heybatterbats

[heybatterbats]

“Hey, baby bird,” Harley says firmly, and holds out the cup. Jason’s gaze snaps to hers, still keeping his eyes down, but focused on her nonetheless. Harley keeps going. If he’s afraid of her, then she can use that to their advantage until they manage to fix it. “This is water, and it’s got medicine in it to help you sleep. If you let Ivy get you onto the couch, you can have it, okay?”

She’s careful. She’s so careful not to phrase it as an order while still phrasing it as a deal, a game. Because that’s what Jason knows now. That’s familiar.

“Harley-“ Ivy says, sounding worried.

Harley shakes her head. “Trust me.”

Jason’s face has changed, gone from confusion and fear to something almost like relief. He knows what’s happening now, knows how to play the game. He nods his head, and Harley sees just a tiny spark of Robin’s determination still hiding behind his eyes.

#harley quinn #poison ivy #jason todd #harlivy #batfamily #dc comics #dc #batfam #bat family #my writing #all heaven in a rage

[heybatterbats]

the vampire bats series is amazing. have you ever considered the canon bruce meeting this aus bruce and him just. giving up because apparently there is a universe where he is actually a vampire and the rumours ended up being kinda true

Thank you!! I’m working on the next installment!

Poor Bruce, he’d just be like *deep sigh*

If I remember right it’s Clark who often has something to do with those vampire rumors so he’d be like “darn, he was right”

#batfamily #dc comics #dc #batman #bruce wayne #batfam #bat family #clark kent #superman #vampire bats

[heybatterbats]

That time Tom Holland did Rihanna’s “Umbrella” in drag, except it’s Dick Grayson

#dick grayson #nightwing #batfamily #dc comics #dc #batman #batfam #bat family

[heybatterbats]

Harley realizes, in a distant sort of way, that her face is wet, and wonders when she started crying. It’s ridiculous, really. She used to be feared as the Joker’s right hand, and now she’s sniffling in a store aisle surrounded by overpriced detergent. “I’m such a mess,” she croaks to the nearest bottle. It responds with nothing but a promise that it cleans twice as nice!

“Oh, don’t say that, you’re not a mess, honey,” says a warm voice behind her. Harley jumps (and maybe screams a little) and whirls around.

The woman immediately fishes out a Kleenex from her purse and hands it to her. “Oh, baby,” she says soothingly. “What’s wrong?”

And in the middle of a detergent aisle, in front of a complete stranger, Harley Quinn bursts into tears.

#all heaven in a rage #batfamily #dc comics #dc #batman #harley quinn #jason todd #batfam #bat family #my writing

[heybatterbats]

finished invictus. that ending hurt

Oh thank you so much for reading! It’ll get better…eventually.

#answered asks #vampire bats #bruce wayne #jason todd #batfamily #dc comics #dc #batman #batfam #bat family

[heybatterbats]

“Beloved, I could not bear to see you become a man like my father,” Talia says. “And I could not allow your son to see his father become like mine.”

Bruce’s hands clench on the edge of the roof. “Jason saw what I became anyway,” he says.

“I was not speaking of Jason,” Talia replies evenly. She moves to the little utility building on the side of the rooftop, opening the door and speaking in what sounds like Arabic, too soft for Bruce to make out.

When she approaches him again, she is holding a small boy by the hand.

#batfamily #bat fam #bat family #damian wayne #bruce wayne #talia al ghul #batman #dc #dc comics #batfam #dc comics fanfiction #batfamily fanfiction #dc comics fanfic #fanfiction #my fanfiction #writing #my writing #my fics #ao3 fanfic #vampire bats

[heybatterbats]

Cass: *has absolutely no idea what the word spurious means*

#cassandra cain #stephanie brown #batfamily #wayne family adventures #batman wfa #batman wayne family adventures #wfa #dc #dc comics

[heybatterbats]

Cass is quiet, and shy, and withdrawn. She speaks very little, and her sentences string words together in odd ways. But she has pushed through past how she was raised, and she is more than the man who made her, bigger than he will ever be. And when David Cain dares show his face again in Gotham, demands Cassandra’s loyalty, shouts at her that he is his and she will obey him, she stands unflinching beside the Bat and says, “No.”

It’s one word. But it is enough.

#batfamily #bat fam #bat family #cassandra cain #barbara gordon #bruce wayne #tim drake #batman #dc #dc comics #batfam #dc comics fanfiction #batfamily fanfiction #dc comics fanfic #fanfiction #my fanfiction #writing #my writing #my fics #ao3 fanfic #vampire bats

[heybatterbats]

The shadow knocks the man into an alleyway, leaping after him with the grace of a ballerina and the ferocity of a leopard. The man’s eyes go wide as the shadow crouches over him, and the wide eyes say terror.

The shadow hesitates. But there is a heavy thud behind it, and it remembers what it must do. It bends its head and buried sharp fangs into the man’s neck, opening the artery in his throat and spilling the blood inside. The man gurgles his life out into the pavement, and the figure in the alleyway laughs.

And the shadow makes no sound at all.

#batfamily #bat fam #bat family #cassandra cain #barbara gordon #bruce wayne #tim drake #batman #dc #dc comics #batfam #dc comics fanfiction #batfamily fanfiction #dc comics fanfic #fanfiction #my fanfiction #writing #my writing #my fics #ao3 fanfic #vampire bats

[heybatterbats]

I laughed so hard at the Nailed It one I fell off my bed

Battinson Guest Starring on TV Shows

SO

For someone who holds the title of Richest Man in the World, Bruce doesn’t do a lot of traveling.

Which is to say he does a LOT of traveling, but he always tries to find a way out of it.

(Are there bat-related reasons for this? Are there people-related reasons for this? Are there anxiety-related reasons for this? Who knows?)

But partners and sponsors aren’t always going to tolerate his hermit-like tendencies. So once every month or so, Alfred wrangles Bruce into a private jet and sends him off to who knows where so he can represent the company.

Usually, it’s somewhere close on the East Coast, maybe it’s across the pond, even Asia isn’t off the table, but the rarest place to spot Bruce Wayne is actually the West Coast of the US.

One day, it is announced that Bruce Wayne will be spending two (count ‘em, 2) consecutive weeks in California with his kids for some grand business convention.

The West Coast media goes feral with the news, ESPECIALLY interviewers. And because Bruce kicks up such a fuss this time, Alfred has the gall to sign him up for FOUR TV appearances.

Here are these appearances :)

RuPaul’s Drag Race

Drag Queens, especially Drag Race all-stars, contribute to a wide variety of charities

So on a new episode, the queens are challenged to design and shoot a promotional ad for their own charity

And who better to act as a guest judge for this episode than the show’s largest benefactor, CEO of the Wayne Foundation, Bruce Wayne?!

Physically? He’s older than half of the contestants. But spiritually? He screams Baby Gay.

Fifteen minutes into the episode, Bruce is welcomed into the werkroom where he gives them pointers on their campaign. He’s in his cute little three-piece suit (Alfred’s idea) with the intention of looking put-together and knowledgeable. But that’s not the only outcome.

They all flirt with him. Everyone, single or taken. The confessionals are so thirsty.

“He’s lucky the cameras are on. Otherwise, I’d eat him up faster than a bachelorette party in a buffet line.”

“My celebrity crush is talking to me, and all I can focus on are his gorgeous eyes. How am I supposed to know what he's saying?”

Of course, they shoot their shot, but most of it is joking since they don't know he's bi yet.

“Are you single, honey?” Bruce blushes. “It’s complicated.” “Well, I’ll make it simple for you.”

We all know this man can't handle being flirted with. We saw how he froze when Selina did it. It’s like he mentally bluescreens when someone calls him a pet name.

Only THEN do they learn he's bi

One of the queens jokingly asks him, “Ever been with a man before?” thinking it would be a firm no, but Bruce says, “Actually, yes.” “Oh shit, really?” And to Bruce’s embarrassment, the whole room hears him.

The flirting is thus taken up a notch.

On the main stage, Bruce has a lot of great constructive criticism. He talks about how to find the right audience, the importance of a good slogan, and even goes on a little rant about logo design.

(You cannot convince me that Bruce hasn’t hyperfixated on the business of charity work before. Or the science of marketing. They’re his favorite business topics.)

After about three minutes of him complimenting one contestant for their Drag Library pitch, he stops himself mid-sentence and says, “Oh sorry, am I talking too much?” “No, please! Keep talking, sweetheart.” Bruce covers his face to hide his blush. “Why is everyone flirting with me?” “Baby, have you seen yourself?”

While the judges deliberate, RuPaul mentions Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent. Bruce nods along for a while then suddenly just blurts out, “Wait, does it spell ****?”

The judges pause then burst out laughing. “Oh no, we’ve traumatized him!" Bruce is blushing up a storm. “I just never thought about it like that!” “Sweet, innocent Bruce. We’re so sorry.”

It’s later revealed that Bruce offered to help some of the queens launch their charity projects through the Wayne Foundation.

It’s v cute 🥰

Nailed It!

I love Nicole Byer.

She is Mother.

In all seriousness, she’s so fucking funny and she’s personable enough to pull Bruce out of his shell a bit.

The theme for this episode is Found Family. Three pairs of family members compete together—a gay father and his adopted son, an aunt who adopted her niece, and a stepfather and stepdaughter.

Because Bruce Wayne famously adopted two children, he is invited to guest judge.

So Nicole opens the episode with a zinger, the contestants are introduced, and Bruce is welcomed onto the judge’s panel beside Nicole and Jacques.

(Yes, Bruce does speak French. Yes, Nicole makes a joke about it being hot.)

Nicole: “We were surprised you accepted our invitation, Mr. Wayne. You’re notorious for staying on the East Coast. What brought you to the Nailed It! Studio?” Bruce: “My children love this show. They always tell me I should be on it since I’m so bad at baking.” Nicole: “Really? Maybe we should do a celebrity season of Nailed It! and have you compete.” Bruce: “No, you should not.”

Nicole: “So, Bruce, I know you have a butler at home who bakes for you. But what’s the grossest thing you’ve eaten? Escargot? Bad caviar?” Bruce: “I drank olive oil straight from the bottle once.” Nicole: “…What?”

The problem for Bruce is he can’t say anything bad. It just feels mean :(

(And he would rather jump into oncoming traffic than gamble with a social interaction)

For the first challenge, the contestants make cake pops. But when Bruce tries the first one, there is a sickening crunch. Bruce’s eyes widen for a second and he slowly chews.

Nicole: “What was that? Bruce, are you okay?” Bruce, clearly struggling: “It’s…good.”

“Bruce, you can spit it out. It’s okay.” “I already swallowed it.” “Oh, you poor thing.” Bruce chokes for a second, and Nicole pats his back. “Please don’t die. We can’t afford it.”

For the big challenge, production has a surprise in store for Bruce.

Dick (9) and Jason (7) run onto the set and smother Bruce with a hug.

It’s adorable. Bruce no longer cares about paying attention, okay? His kids are here :D

The two boys read from cue cards to announce the second challenge: a three-tiered Gotcha Day cake. And as per tradition, the winner of the first challenge gets a leg-up.

This time, it’s a Helping Hands Button. When they hit the button, Dick and Jason will run over and help them for three minutes. (While being supervised, of course.)

As the contestants bake, Nicole says hello to Dick and Jason, who are clambering all over Bruce like a jungle gym. They both shake her hand and talk about how they love the show.

Nicole looks pointedly at the two empty chairs beside Bruce. “You know, we brought these chairs for you two to sit in.” Dick, on Bruce’s shoulders: “We’re fine, Ms. Byer!” Nicole: “Ms. Byer? Oh, you’re a cutie, aren’t you?”

Just ten minutes before the challenge is over, the Helping Hands button is pressed, and Dick and Jason are given stools so they can help the aunt and niece stack their cake tiers.

Two minutes in, the aunt instructs them to let go of the cake. But the moment Jason pulls his hands away, the cake topples over and covers him in frosting. Jason, whispering: “Oh f*ck.” Bruce: “Jason!” Jason: “I didn’t say that! Dick did!” Nicole: *cackling as Bruce buried his face in his hands*

Jason gets cleaned up, and Dick helps them stack what can still be salvaged.

When Wes brings out the trophy, he’s dressed as Batman. Dick and Jason gets a kick out of that.

Celebrity Family Feud

Bruce was invited to the show after his SNL skit went viral a few months ago

This episode, the teams are split up by cities they grew up in. Gotham v. Star City. Naturally, his team is playing for the Wayne Foundation.

It’s a pretty odd cast of people, most of them having moved to LA or Hollywood. Bruce is the only one to still live in Gotham.

They have fun, though, despite their limited common ground. The audience has a few good laughs.

(Some at Bruce's expense)

Harvey: You're a very wealthy man, Mr. Wayne. What do you really do in that tower all day? Bruce: I, uh…business? Harvey: …You business. Bruce: ……Wait-

All in good fun. Bruce just vibes in his little corner until he needs to answer a question. It's pretty chill.

For exactly half of the episode.

Then it happens.

Steve Harvey takes two people from each team up to the buzzer and says, “We asked 100 people: Name something your parents always told you as a kid.”

What the production failed to consider is how this particular question might be a sensitive topic for some contestants.

Bruce’s team gets the question, and Steve saunters up to Bruce, completely oblivious.

“Alright, Bruce Wayne!” Bruce nods awkwardly. “Hi, Steve.” “Bruce, what’s wrong? You’re looking a bit uncomfortable.” “…I don’t like this question, Steve.” “Why not?” Bruce just gives him a desperate look, and it clicks. “Oh! Oh my gosh!”

Let’s be real. Bruce is awkward enough, but Steve Harvey cannot save an awkward moment for his life either.

But he tries his best anyway and asks, “Are you okay with answering this question, or would you like to pass?” Bruce nods frantically. “I can answer. ‘I love you.’” “I love you too, Mr. Wayne.” “No, uh, my answer is ‘I love you.’” “Oh! That’s a good one.”

Thankfully, the audience erupts in laughter. That little interaction cuts the tension, and Bruce’s answer ends up on the board.

And by god, the memes

“I love you too, Mr. Wayne” is the new “Enjoy your meal.” “You too.”

The audio clip of “I don’t like this question, Steve” goes viral on TikTok

Someone gets a pic of Bruce and Steve looking at each other with palpable fear in their eyes, and it makes its rounds all over Twitter

10/10 never again

Running Wild with Bear Grylls

Now this is the most challenging. Not because it’s difficult, of course. But because Bruce has to look stupid enough to maintain his Brucie Wayne persona but smart enough to keep himself safe.

For this episode, Bear takes Bruce to the California desert.

“How much do you know about survival, Bruce?” Bear asks. Bruce nods carefully. “I did some survival training once with a friend from boarding school.” “Oh really, how did you do?” “Fine, I think.”

This is, of course, his way of saying I trained with a league of assassins for years, but Bear can’t know that! And that’s how most of the episode goes.

Thank god Bruce's fear of being caught is mistaken for being scared of the physical challenge because every time Bear points out how well he’s doing, he breaks into a sweat.

Bear: For a businessman, you’re surprisingly fit. Bruce, sweating bullets: Oh, this is all just for show.

Bear: Wow, you’re a natural. Are you sure you’ve never set up a zip-line before? Bruce, gripping his equipment so tight he gets rope burn: I think it’s just the survival instincts.

Of course, he pretends to be out of breath a few times. The Drama.

Bruce, pretending to slip and fall: Ouch! Who knew the outdoors were so dangerous? Bear, you are crazy. Bruce, internally: How much longer are we doing this?

Bruce being a vegetarian is actually a point of contention. You see, Bear always makes their celebrity guests do something crazy for food like skin a snake or eat a mouse. Scavenging for berries just doesn’t grab the audience’s attention.

But do you know what is vegetarian?

Bear: Now, in extreme cases of survival, it’s not rare for humans to resort to drinking their own pee. That’s what we’ll be doing in a moment. Are you up for it? Bruce, visibly repulsed: I’ve had Gotham tap water. I’ll be fine.

How on God’s Green Earth did Alfred convince him to do this?

To get to the extraction point, Bear takes Bruce down a cliffside.

Bear shows Bruce the meticulous process of properly belaying from the top of a cliff, and Bruce, who has done this over 100 times is like, “Wow that’s so dangerous :( Will we be okay?”

He really tries to ramp up his acting skills this time.

(Little does he know that’s not necessary.)

Bruce goes down first as Bear belays with a cameraman filming from the top. Halfway down, Bruce hears a scuffle, and the cameraman yells, “F*ck!”

Bruce looks up, arms already out for protection, and he sees a small disk falling towards him. It’s the lens cap. He catches it on instinct.

For a second, he thinks, “Shit, was that too skilled? That’s not enough to make people think I’m Batman, right? I just caught it in midair while dangling from a cliff. That’s totally not weird and suspicious. Normal people do that—“

Then Bear yells, “Bruce, drop it!” Bruce looks up at Bear, confused. “Why?” “There's a scorpion!” That’s when Bruce looks at the lens cap and sees a black scorpion perched on top with its tail ready to strike.

They don’t have those in Gotham.

Bruce jumps in his harness and flings the cap at the rocky cliffside. He hears a crunch, and the scorpion and cap tumble to the ground. Bruce frowns. Can a scorpion survive that drop?

“You just killed a scorpion, mate!” Bear cries. Bruce looks up in horror. “I killed it?!” “Hell yeah!” Bruce’s face falls. “No!”

Because oh. shit.

Bruce just killed something. The sad, orphaned vegetarian just killed a scorpion.

Bruce has a meltdown.

He didn’t mean to kill it!!!! Oh no, he just killed an innocent little creature. Yeah, he punches people for fun sometimes, and he definitely put a few violent criminals in the hospital, but he’s never committed MURDER!!

This poor little scorpion died due to his own negligence, and he feels so so so bad about it.

Bruce is a mess as he climbs the rest of the way down.

Bruce, cradling the scorpion’s body: I don’t know how to perform CPR on a scorpion! Bear: Bruce, you took its head clean off. Bruce: *sad noises*

Legit inconsolable. To him, it’s like he just murdered a puppy

Once they're out, Bear is trying to cheer him up. Bless him.

Bear: We’ve conquered the wild! Haven’t we, Bruce? Bruce, head between his legs, still mourning the scorpion: I’m never going outside again.

Yeah, no one’s going to think he’s Batman after that.

And that's all four of Bruce's TV appearances from the West Coast :) Dick and Jason never let him live any of it down. Alfred is almost sorry. (He is not sorry.)

Let me know your thoughts! What other TV shows do you think Battinson would appear on as a guest?

Okie dokie :D Love y'all! Have a good day <3

#reblog #batfamily #bruce wayne #bruce being lovably dumb #batman

[heybatterbats]

Out of all the characters I have no sympathy for whatsoever, this guy takes the biscuit.

People really need to stop making Joker tragic. He’s just pure evil. He isn’t broken, he doesn’t have a sob story. He doesn’t even know who he was who his life before Joker. He’s does what he does for Batman’s attention and because he finds entertaining. He’s not a fucking sob story he’s a maniac.

#I will never understand people who genuinely like this man #or think he’s sympathetic #he’s just evil guys #dc universe #dc joker #joker #dc comics #batman #reblog

[heybatterbats]

I am 100% here for Jason and Dick arguing over who’s the better uncle to Lian.

But also Roy looks so good in this panel?! This design for him just- he looks like such a nice young dad and I’m so happy about it.

#dick grayson #jason todd #roy harper #lian harper #batfamily #wayne family adventures #batman wfa #batman wayne family adventures #wfa #dc #dc comics

[heybatterbats]

HEY if you like vampire Batfamily read this immediately, I was making audible noises of delight

Not part of the ask game but could I please have a link to your vampire fic?? (I LOVE vampire Batfamily)

Of course! Here you go.

#reblog #fic rec #vampire batfamily #bruce wayne #batman #batfamily

[heybatterbats]

Jason Todd pulls himself to his feet in the middle of a graveyard. He runs his tongue over his teeth, pricking it on the new fangs. Blood fills his mouth, and he spits it out onto the now-empty grave.

You remain unavenged, says the whisper in his mind.

“Not for long,” Jason hisses to the gravestone, and turns his back on it.

#batfamily #bat fam #bat family #jason todd #bruce wayne #joker #dc joker #the joker #tim drake #batman under the red hood #under the red hood #batman death in the family #death in the family #batman #dc #jason todd fanfiction #dc comics #dc comics fanfiction #batfamily fanfic #batfamily fanfiction #dc comics fanfic #dc fanfiction #fanfiction #writing #my writing #my fics #ao3 fanfic #vampire bats

[heybatterbats]

“It was better,” Tim presses on, “when you had a Robin.”

Bruce’s hands fall still on the keyboard.

“Robin kept the Bat in check- kept you in check. You gave vampires a clean death and sent mortal criminals to prison with nothing worse than a couple bad bruises and maybe a broken bone, because Robin was there and he kept you from getting too dark. Now, you let vampires die in agony and mortals take months to heal enough to stand, because you don’t have Robin looking out for you anymore.” Tim gets the sense that he’s losing ground to stand on, and hurries up before his little island of hope sinks entirely. “I can’t fight. I really can’t. I’ve never been trained. But I can keep you in check the way Robin did- both of them.” Tim stands up, pushing his chair back. “The Bat needs a Robin.”

Bruce is silent for so long Tim wonders if he might have fallen asleep. And then, almost suddenly-

“No,” Bruce says, in the voice of the Bat. “It doesn’t.”

#batfamily #tim drake #red robin #bruce wayne #alfred pennyworth #bat family #batfam #bat fam #dc #dc comics #batman #batfamily fanfiction #dc comics fanfiction #dc fanfiction #dc fanfic #fanfiction #writing #my writing #fic writing #my fics #ao3 fanfic #vampire bats

[heybatterbats]

My headcanon: Clark actually likes circus peanuts, and Diana doesn’t seek them out but will eat them if they’re there. Bruce, however, hates the taste and texture and everything about them. BUT he pretends that he loves them, because Dick loves them, and it makes him happy to see Bruce enjoying something he enjoys. So Bruce pretends that he LOVES circus peanuts, and Dick is absolutely delighted by this.

Later, when Dick is an adult, he catches on to the fact that Bruce has been faking liking them and assures Bruce that it’s fine, it’s okay to have different tastes, he doesn’t have to keep pretending he likes them just for Dick, it’s not that important, B, really.

Bruce makes sure that the next day Dick sees him eating his way through the biggest package of circus peanuts he could find. Dick cries a little bit.

#look at me completely derailing a random poll #had thoughts sorry #batman #wonder woman #superman #bruce wayne #clark kent #diana prince #dc #dc comics #batfamily #polls #reblog

[heybatterbats]

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL BUT IT HURTS

Ever since I saw that *one* panel, I couldn't stop thinking about the sad scared baby girl.

#😭😭😭 #jason todd #reblog #red hood #batfamily #bat fam