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To Love, & To Be Loved

Well Hello There!

To whoever is reading this, welcome to my blog!

With Valentine’s day being today, in the spirit of love and light I bring you this short piece: to love, and to be loved. <3

Love.

It’s a complex thing, isn’t it? Something I think no person on earth can exactly pin down for a definition. But one thing I hope we all can agree on is above all, it is definitely a strong feeling.

 And when it is genuine, it honestly feels great.

Now, I’m not just talking about love in a romantic sense, because we all know that isn’t the only type of love available to give and receive. The love you have from your family, your friends, your dog or cat. Your kids, your coworkers, hell maybe even your classmates and teacher too. Or even love being thrown at you from a stranger on the street. All these things can fall under the umbrella of what types of love you can give and receive. There are probably many more, too.

I think one of the most important types of love is loving yourself, and learning to love the life and world that surrounds you. But in spite of the fact that this celebrated day of love is beautiful and whatnot, over the years I've had a serious love-hate relationship with it.

I love, love. this is a fact. But it’s something about spending it alone that seems to always brings a wave of sadness over me, and I honestly don’t know why. There could be plenty of reasons for it I’m sure; and I always thought that stuffing my face with my favorite treats and watching my favorite romance movies would do the trick. But not this time. 

I don’t think it is the sadness that’s the core issue, but mainly the fact that I am having a hard time overcoming it. That’s the part that I’m having a hard time understanding. It was as if I was yearning to love, and to be loved, on the day that everyone else was. 

Yes, I did eat my favorite chocolate treats; and though they were delicious they were not enough to soothe the sudden pain that has come over me. For the first time in my life, I cried. Cried, and cried, and cried until my pillowcase was nothing more than a puddle of tears. Every overwhelming feeling in my body that I felt, I released it. As I felt my body calm down I just focused on me feelings. “This is completely normal”, I would tell myself. And it is.

Today helped me to realize even more now than ever before this fact: that Valentine’s day isn’t always an easy nor happy day for everybody, and that’s okay. The main thing is that we are allowing ourselves to go through the motions, whatever they may be, as the arise. Then moving forward. It’s going to be alright in the end.

With that, I bid you all farewell. I hope that this Valentine’s day has treated you well, and if it hasn’t, just know that you are not alone in the feeling.

Until the next one. <3

All my love,

- K

#vday #love #sad #cry #crying #smile #take your time #patience #heart #valentines day #valentine #valentines #love day #<3 #ily

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Finding My Way Back...

Well Hello There! Longtime No see..

To whoever is reading this, welcome to my blog!

It has been a long time since you’ve seen (or read) from me last. For this, I truly due apologize. But to me, my unexpected hiatus was not the end of this blog, but the process of beginning something new — transformative if you will. I big part of myself had to die in order for me to turn into the new version that I find myself today. I hated to see her go, and I mourned her with all my heart. 

But, in order for growth to happen, you must let go. 

So, over these past eight months, I had to take a step back and re-evaluate how I wanted my life to be. I suffered through some traumatic things and instead of facing them head on, I pushed them away and continued on with my life. Just as an FYI, I do NOT recommend doing this! Not addressing your feelings and the things that you are struggling with will only cause you more pain in the long run, trust me I know.

Someone long ago told me that throughout this life, you will go through many phases, and that you should always be able to learn something from each of those phases along the way. So what have I learned?

#1: Be gentle to YOU.

For the entirety of my life, for as long as I could remember, I have always been hard on myself. On top of having strict parents with high expectations, I would add more pressure on myself to succeed in everything that I did. I still have this mentality today (to a certain extent). It didn’t matter if it was getting good grades, perfecting my dives during dive practice or cutting time during swim practice. It could be a simple as doing my chores, whatever I was doing, I had to do it well, or not at all. It was almost inspiring at first, my parents seemed to be proud of me, along with everyone else in my life. But around the time when I started high school I began to see the effect it took on me. I stopped eating, I was always stressed out, and overall I was not happy in my life. This continued into college and saw itself at it’s worst at the start of the pandemic. Once those expectations are met, there are higher ones set to achieve. This never-ending process is very draining, taking the life out of me to the point where I could barley function. 

But, at the beginning of my third year of college, I made the decision to just take life as it is. I take a full credit load of classes and work two jobs, the last thing I needed to stress about was being perfect in every aspect of my life. As long as I pass my classes, it’s okay. If I decide to watch a movie, or hang out with my friends instead of spending every free minuet of my life on school, that’s okay! 30 years from now no one is going to give a flying fuck if I was perfect during the years I am currently living now. So, in part I choose me, I choose my well-being and I choose to be gentle to myself. 

Take it one day at a time, and everything will sort it self out eventually.

#2: Do things that make YOU happy.

In this life, sometimes we are expected to just put aside our wants and needs at the expense of others. This can put us in a cycle of always putting people first before ourselves. Yes, in theory this is not necessarily a bad thing (for the sake of being empathetic) but when it becomes a repetitive thing there in lies the problem. There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping people, but if it involves you to put yourself at risk, you probably should stray away from doing so.

For me, it caused me to become distant with myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I did something that I loved or that I cared about; like watching a movie, crocheting or even riding my motorcycle. Once I realized I was sacrificing my own happiness to make someone else happy I had to take a step back. Once I did this I saw the big picture, and I’ve been putting myself first ever since.

Never stop doing what brings you joy, because isn’t that what life’s about?

#3: YOU are the priority. Focus on YOU.

“Focus on yourself!” they say. “Oh my god I’m sick of this phrase! What does it even mean?” Is what I would think to myself almost everyday. During the months after I got my heart broken, I was lost. Like, really lost. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, and honestly, I didn’t even know who I was. I was hurting bad, and the confusion was real because what do you even do in this situation? How do you start again? Hell, how do you move on? All these questions were driving me nuts, and I lost sight of myself, which caused me to fall back into bad habits. But through the pain, I eventually saw the light, at least that’s what I told myself. But in reality it was still struggling, and I let this energy out through my writing, focusing on my job and my schooling. But I forgot to focus on the most important thing, ME!

By focusing on everything else, I let myself fall into the shadows. I was so hurt, and I did not see the point of anything at all. This is part of the reason why I began to neglect the very thing that was helping me through, this blog. As painful as it was to step away, I knew it would blow up in my face if I didn’t take a break. This was applicable to every aspect of my life. So I slowed down on everything, wrote down things that I wanted to do, and I did them. 

If it was spending more time with my friends, eliminating men out of my life, going on more motorcycle rides or spoiling myself with whatever I wanted; I made it happen. I knew I need to find myself again otherwise the misery would linger on, which is the last thing I wanted.

So, let this be a reminder...

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

I know, it may sound cheesy but I am coming to find out that there is some truth to this. Life is.. well, life. It’s unpredictable and you never really know what it will throw at you. But as long as you stay grounded in who you truly are, everything will sort itself out in due time. Believe in yourself, you’ve got this! Best of luck.

Until the next one,

- K

#lemons #lemonade #life #love #you can do this #trust in yourself #do not give up

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top 10 photos taken before disaster

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Photo by YUKA

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A Feeling Words Can’t Describe

Well Hello There!

To whoever is reading this, welcome to my blog!  —

In this blog post, I will attempt to put into words how I am feeling right now, and how life as changed drastically since the start of the pandemic. I have been taken on a rollercoaster, but now I think it can try to put it into words.

WARNING: Mention of suicidal thoughts.

Wow.

We’ve really been living through a pandemic for a little over a year now. Just to say those words out loud is absolutely bonkers to me.

Overwhelming is one of the many words I would use to describe how life has been for the past year. With the violence, constant death, worry and oh yeah— can’t forget to mention the dangerous air-borne virus that is the root cause of all this pain and misery.

But above all, we are just expected to ‘keep it pushing’ and live our lives with the same sense of normalcy as before. This asks the question, what even is normal, anymore? I feel as though I’ve long forgotten what that version of my life was like, as the next version continues to take over. 

Because how can life ever be normal again, when the threat of a virus surrounds you every, single, day?

Though I feel like life will always throw some challenges at you, to help you grow and maybe even change who you are as a person — putting a pandemic on top of that seems to have sped up the process for me.

When this entire thing started, I was in the final days of being an eighteen year old, then having a pandemic birthday while in lockdown. Now, I’m twenty. Entering an entirely new decade, while still limiting how often I go outside and see people. Well, as much as possible that it.

I remember in the beginning, when we were only in lockdown for two months (not a year, as some people claim to think..) I swear to you I was losing my ever lasting mind every. day. If it wasn’t for my dogs needing to be taken on walks, I probably would have never left my house at all. I was struck by the fear of dying before I was old enough to drink (legally), that tied with seeing the death toll rise day by day. It was one of the scariest sights to live through in my young life.

Next thing you know, they opened the doors again, and if I’m being quite honest, any chance to contain the virus in the states and move forward, pretty much went out the window.

Out of fear, and maybe a bit of common sense, I still chose to stay home for a while longer. Even when I did decide to see people again, I did my best to do so in safe parameters. I really thought I was doing a good thing as if COVID-19 had suddenly disappeared just because it was summer. Good on me huh.

Simultaneously to my new reality, that of others hadn’t changed much at all. The parties continued with no mask in sight, and as the number of positive cases rose, for most life moved forward. 

With numerous deaths, evictions, protests, job losses and so much more; I think I was just so surprised that these daily occurrences didn’t seems to phase many people at all. Like man, people are dying! How can you not care at all?

Between anti-maskers, anti-vaxxers, and the number of people not giving a damn continuing to grow; to this day I am still confused. 

Not to mention all of this was taking a BIG toll on my mental health, on top of the many things that I was already struggling with. To be quite honest, I don’t think I noticed just how severe it was until school started back up again. Online school was already beating my ass when our ‘extended spring break’ ended, but it was a new battle come September 2020. For some reason, I thought it would be a smart idea to take more than fifteen credits of fully online. Throw in getting a job, and other life problems — I was basically doomed from the start.

If I wasn’t sad everyday, and crying on others, I was seriously thinking about to many ways that I could just leave this earth. Not a day went by where I didn’t feel like this. Granted, I had been burdened with this daily feeling for years now, but it had only gotten worse since the shitty year that was 2020.

The worse part, I felt like I could barley keep my head above water. I wanted to just drown, because not many would notice that I would be gone, submerged under water as I sink down to the bottom of an abyss.

Lucky for me, I did reach out for help. Though it ain’t no cure, it is surely better then sitting in your dark thoughts alone; and I am so glad I took that step because I am all the better for it.

Time passed, and I did have some positive moments. I got my motorcycle license, finally finished that dreadful semester and filled a void, which was working which children — something that I enjoy greatly.

When new year’s eve came around, I was more than happy to put this painful year behind me. I had gone through a great deal of things, most of which I did not think I would be able to survive! But I did, may not feel like much but I made it through. Now, I knew all of my problems would not disappear when the clock struck 12, but when 2021 began for the first time in my life I felt something that I have truly never felt before.

Optimistic.

Like baby, I’m a natural born pessimist. So when optimism and positivity started to take over, I let it. Welcoming it with open arms. Ever since we had to stay in our homes a year ago, I already knew that life would never be the same. But if I’m gonna be stuck inside for the majority of the time, I might as well enjoy it.

To be quite honest, the entire month of January was a great month for me (which has never happened.) I’m usually lucky if I have a good couple of days, but an entire month?! That was something else. Yeah, I had a few bumps along the way but I didn’t let those small things ruin my life.

A big part of bringing in the new year for me was trying to change my mindset, and how I view life. Not saying it is the end all be all of my problems, but overall I did feel generally happier because of it. Then February/March hit and definitely reminded me that life’s a bitch. 

But now, it’s Aries season (yeah!), spring has sprung and my birthday month has officially begun. I’m feelin’ good, but maybe entering a new decade does that to you. Hell if I know.

Throughout the course of this pandemic I have gone through a whirlwind of emotions and situations that have challenged me, broke me all the way down and brought me back up. I have gone through so many versions of myself to get to the stage that I am currently at. Despite the fact that it was rough as fuck, I would not change anything. 

Everyday, I am loving the person that I am becoming. I am not the same person I was last week, last month, and sure as hell not a year ago! It’s really turned out to be a good thing.

I have realized that I am always growing, constantly evolving and changing day after day after day. I am learning to embrace this truth, and to stand in it. To spend more time with myself, doing the things that I love to do. Focusing on achieving my goals and making my dreams a reality. Because no one is going to do it for me, so I might as well get off my ass and do it for myself.

Life’s a bitch, I said it once and I’ll say it again. Not everyday is going to be a walk in the park, but just because this is a fact, doesn’t mean you have to settle for it.

“Neva settle!”

This life is OURS and it belongs to US. It will be what we make of it and that much, I do believe in. 

I cannot predict the future but I do know that I will — I WILL! have a good life whatever that personally looks like to me. 

Seize the day! or whatever they said. But when it comes to the smaller things (hell maybe even the big ones too), only worry about what is in your control. 

#thank #you #in #advance #feelings #pandemic #jesus man #neva settle! #optimism #april #9th #2021 #april 9th 2021

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Women’s History Month

To whoever is reading this, welcome to my blog!

As you all know, it is  March which kicks off Women’s History Month!

Throughout this month over at my Instagram (@insidethemindofk) I will be highlighting some historic women in history, some that may be familiar and some that you’ve never heard of at all!

I hope you all enjoy!

- K.

#march #women #black women #woc #women of color #womens history

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Heartbreak is a Motherfucker

To whoever is reading this, welcome to my blog!

For this blog post, I share with you an excerpt I simply like to call Heartbreak is a Motherfucker, because that's exactly what it is.

As a note, listen to Drew Barrymore by SZA as you read. Lyrics are mentioned in italics.

Enjoy!

Won’t you shut up, know you’re my favorite, 

Am I?

Warm enough for ya, outside baby, yeah..

Is it, warm enough for ya, inside, me, me, me, me..

Warm enough for ya, outside baby, yeah..

Warm enough outside, inside, me, me, me, me..

As the lyrics of Drew Barrymore by SZA played, making its way through my headphones into my ears, I cried so many tears of sadness, it seemed never ending.

Never in a million years did I think I would be able to experience a pain such as this, yet, here I am.

Heartbreak.

For lack of better words, it's a motherfucker.

I guess this is the cost of vulnerability, and taking the risk of putting your heart in someone else's hands. Because when you take such a brave step, you do so in the strong hopes that the person you gave it too, won't fuck up and break it.

Sorry, I just need to see you, I’m,

Sorry I’m so clingy, I don’t mean to be a lot..

You wish that such a horrible thing could be unavoidable, but with every risk there is a consequence. Is this mine?

Now, at this point of dwelling in my agony, I start to blame and question not only myself, but everything. Every moment, every memory, every. single. intimate detail that has transpired between us. Wondering if it was all just a lie. A big waste of time.

I'm sorry I'm not more attractive,

I'm sorry I'm not more ladylike,

I'm sorry I don't shave my legs at night..

Was I at fault? Did I do or, say the wrong thing? Why wasn't I enough? What about me wasn't good enough for you? Did you mean all those things you said to me? Or was this another episode within the figment of my imagination where I pretended this was my reality.

Do you, really wanna love me down like you say you do?

Give it to me like you say you do?

I sit in my room for hours on end, not bothering to check the time that feels as though it does not exist. I feel a sharp pain in my chest, is that my heart breaking perhaps? 

I mourn what once was, saddened that it was in fact, too good to be true. I wish the happiness you once gave to me could have lasted a lifetime, oh my god, I was truly mistaken to hope for such a thing! 

Now what has replaced those smiles and joy is a blank face, staring into the darkness of my room feeling empty, shocked & numb. 

I was caught in your grasp, totally unable to free myself from you. I knew the day would come where I would be able to fly away, as free as a bird. But who knew that escaping the strong hold you once had over me would put me in such a place of despair and misery?

Do you really love me?

Or just wanna love me down?

As I struggle to go through this gut-wrenching experience, I am once again reminded of all those in the past who have hurt me, such as you. So many feelings are swarming in, rattling around in my brain. Fighting for the top spot of controlling my range of emotions.

I get so lonely I forget what I’m worth,

We get so lonely we pretend that it’s worse,

I’m so ashamed of myself, think I need therapy..

Inadequate. Worthless. Unlovable. Unattractive. Sadness, Hurt and Pain.

The whispers start to come in, and my head aches as I try to fight them out.

"They never would have loved you, and can you blame them? Most people don’t care about black women anyway."

"They only got close to you so they could use you, and dispose of you once they were finished."

"Nothing that happened between you both was ever real anyway. It was all in your head!"

(God, I wish I had a pint of ice cream to chow down on, but this writing will have to suffice.)

When hurtful things happen to me, my brain can be quite harsh to me. Considering this, on top of the fact that I am already suffering, this heartbreaking experience beings to become unbearable.

'Cause it's hard enough you got to treat me like this,

Lonely enough to let you treat me like this..

Going through a heartbreak is different for everyone. For me, the pain is right up there with losing a loved one. I say this because it hurts so much to the point where I can physically feel it manifesting inside of me. The pains in my stomach, and in my chest feel like daggers being thrown, and I am the target.

I’m sorry you’ve got karma comin’ to you,

Collect your soul, get it right..

Slowly falling into a pit of despair, I begin to wonder if it is even possible to survive a blow such as this.

But, it is in this moment that I must, I must remind myself of the strength that exudes itself from within me.

I have been through a great deal in my short life. I have lived, LIVED, through my fair share of grief and pain. In the end, I always come out on top, stronger, smarter and better than before.

This time will not be any different.

A wise person once told me "it's gotta hurt before it can heal!" They're right.

As the hours turn into days, and the days turn into weeks; which in part turn into months and then years.. I will look back on this moment, and at that, with a smile. Because sunshine always comes after the storm. While the time passes, the pain will subside as I return to the new improved version of myself. One who has dealt with all sorts of pain, sorrow and hardships and despite it all; overcame.

Heartbreak is not forever, only a temporary (yet painful) feeling. Since it is temporary, that simply means that it will pass. 

It. Will. Pass.

Warm enough outside, inside, me, me, me, me..

#heartbreak #is #a #motherfucker #men are unhinged #pain #hurt #sadness #sorrow #tears #crying #perseverance #overcoming #you will be okay #you will be loved #it will all be alright #love you #heartbroken #sza #drew barrymore #drew barrymore sza #ctrl sza #february #2021 #february 28th 2021

[insidethemindofk]

I was watching a compilation programme called Queens of Soul (above) which showed some of the great soul singers from the 1960s to the early 2000s. Brilliant artists singing brilliant songs, and I was watching the singers before the mid 80s and it occurred to me that most of the singers in that section would not get signed today. Despite being amazing singers and performers, they would not be signed because the majority of singers being signed today are light-skinned. 

There are artists like Laura Mvula, Angie Stone etc. but the majority being pushed today are not mid-dark-skinned with broad noses like the ladies above. We are missing out on so much amazing talent, thank goodness this strait-jacket wasn’t in place years ago or we wouldn’t have such amazing artists to look back on. 

It must be heartbreaking to be a mid or dark-skinned, talented singer trying to make it today and seeing that some of the people being signed are not as talented as you. Even with social media and the internet the music industry, which has become smaller due to the internet, seems to be able to control the market more than it’s ever done before.

[insidethemindofk]

➤ BEYONCÉ adidas x IVY PARK ICY PARK (FEBRUARY 19, 2021)

[insidethemindofk]

Bob Marley, February 6, 1945 – May 11, 1981.

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Love is A Lie!

Well Hello There!

To whoever is reading this, welcome to my blog!

For this week’s blog, if it wasn’t obvious enough from the title, we’re going to talk about love; with all it’s variations, complications, beauties and imperfections.

My experiences shared are my own, but I hope that they may resonate with you.

And brace yourself, because it’s a bit of a long one...

Love...

What the hell is it? Most do not have the slightest idea, but one thing is for sure; there are about a million ways to interpret it. To feel it, to share it, to imagine it, and to extend it onto others.

But sometimes, one may wonder if the thing even exists at all, more specifically in romantic contexts. Because sure, you might feel love from your family, and you might feel love from your friends too. But it’s not exactly the same as giving and receiving love romantically, no matter what that may look like for you.

For the longest time, I struggled with that concept of love. Even as I write this entry and inevitably share it with the world, I am often unsure if such a thing exists. Meaning, in the form that I would like it to be for me.

Growing up, I feel that, I’ve never seen any healthy romantic relationships, key word being healthy. Because sure, I guess these couples had their happy days along with their sad ones, the stereotypical ‘ups & downs.’ But some aspects, maybe most, certainly did not represent something that I wanted for myself in a relationship. I found myself feeling stronger about this as I grew older, and with reflection often comes change. My entire perspective of love was modified as I checked in with myself. Finding out what my values were, what I really wanted, and most importantly what I did not want, along with the things I refused to tolerate.

Figuring the basics of this before I even turned twenty was very helpful. Though it may not have seemed like it in the moment, looking back I ended up saving a lot of time by standing firm, and not backing down for anyone or anything.

At least that’s what I thought.

When you don’t see love being displayed in an ideally positive way, you may look elsewhere in the hopes that you’ll find it. For me, it was typically in books, art, and movies; which are the prime reasons why I’m such a hopeless romantic today!

I don’t know, I just love, love! Even if I wasn’t really getting it myself, I’ve always found joy in seeing other people happy and in love. I believe that everyone deserves to experience that, at least once in their lifetime.

Now in high school, I guess you could say I ‘missed out’ on the typical milestones a teenage girl may experience. In retrospect I don’t think I missed a damn thing. But, I never had a boyfriend (still true, to this day lol). I never had a guy ask me out to any school event, not homecoming, not prom, nothing lol. I never had a guy confess his undying love for me— or in simple terms, admit that they were crushing on me. I’ve never been asked out on a date, or one that I would consider a date I guess.

But above all, outside of my family, I’ve never had a guy tell me that he loved me.

As a young black girl, who has now grown into a young black woman, it was difficult in the love department for me for most of my life. But I didn’t realize just how hard it was going to be until I started high school.

Going to a school with more than one white person for the first time (another story for another time) it was made painfully clear who was deemed desirable and who wasn’t. It didn’t matter who you were, what you may have achieved etc. If you were not a skinny white girl who aligned with the socially acceptable standards of beauty, you could kiss any chance of romance good-bye.

Now every once in a while, you might’ve seen a few exceptions to that rule, but it was rare. So trying to navigate through that on top of so many other things was hard in all honesty. But with all things, you learn from it, and hopefully you grow from it as well. I’d like to think that I did.

One of the biggest things I learned, especially my senior year, is that high school literally does not matter. It is the most irrelevant part of life a person must go through; and though it may suck pure ass you will get through it. So upon graduation I thought the hardest part of my love life was behind me, and that college would turn a new, positive chapter in my book. One that would be full of love and happiness, or something close to it.

Now, pre-pandemic season, I’d have to say for the most part my first year of college was that. I met some amazing people, had some unforgettable experiences and mostly happy memories. But as for the ‘love’ thing, well.. it still brought out its own issues.

Amidst all this joy of starting something new, this was also around the time were I put myself out there as far as one could. So I decided to make a Tinder for the first time, and it’s safe to say that God would have to come down and strike earth themselves before I use that godforsaken app again! Now, before I made the grave mistake of boosting my ego and using this app, I swore that literally no guy on earth took any interest in me. But boy was I wrong. I don’t think I really understood how much of a ego-boost it really was to get so many matches. Like it really does make you feel some type of way! I wasn’t really looking for anything crazy, just trying to test the waters since I never used anything like this before.

But after many meaningless conversations, and dealing with concerningly horny men who’s only personality trait was to send unsolicited dick pics before saying hello... I think it was safe to say that my time on Tinder was over. It had it’s run, but yeah. Never again.

Anyway, once I got a bitter taste of that, I was determined to take a much needed break from dealing with men. But once again, I thought wrong.

Only a couple months after deleting that devil app, something positive finally happened to me. One of my friends, who I had liked for a while now, was back in town and wanted to hang out with me. This might not seem monumental for some, but I’d been avoiding seeing this person for months, and it seemed like I was going to continue on that trend; as I declined to see them.

I guess I really hadn’t come to terms with the fact that I had a crush on them, but I knew that it became increasingly awkward seeing them face-to-face, so I just stopped all together. This was easy, because they went to school out of state, and we barley spoke to each other because we were so damn busy. But for some reason, though I didn’t know it yet, this summer and the months to follow it were going to be different.

Towards the end of June I finally buckled down and agreed to see them. School was done and neither of us were working, so it seemed that time was all that we had. That beautiful day, we talked and talked for hours, about damnnear everything under the sun. This was something that I particularly loved doing with them.

One thing led to another, and they brought up the topic of love and relationships.

I felt like my heart had skipped a beat, because even though the conversation was open and fairly nonchalant, there’s always this possibility that they could be referring to you.

As the day progressed, so did the things we talked about. Towards the end, they ended up bringing up that topic again. Asking things like, did I find them attractive when we first met or, if I had my first kiss.

Though I doubt you could see it, at this point I was so sure that I was blushing. I only ever had these talks with my gal pals, let alone someone I was crushing HARD on. But, in some ways, it was nice.

Even nicer when they eventually kissed me.

Yeah, I finally had my first kiss! Whoo-hoo!

Contrary to popular belief, it was a really good one, too.

When your having these experiences for the first time, especially with someone you have a crush on, the feelings are as strong as ever. By this point, I knew that I could no longer stand behind the line between us only being friends, and that I could no longer downplay how I had been feeling about them. Because the boundary had already been pushed, and there really was no turning back from that.

As the summer went on, I kept on seeing them, falling more for them each time more than the last. But I wasn’t really processing the fact that I was falling for them because I was fooling myself into thinking that us kissing didn’t mean anything anyway. Even though after the fact I was bombarded with all these compliments & sometimes a few sweet nothings as well. Looking back, it was all a bit overwhelming because never in my life had I found myself in a situation like this, and it was actually going well. This totally went against all my expectations that I pictured in my head.

With each kiss, with each compliment and sweet thing told to me, I felt nothing but happiness, for the first time in a while.

And for a very brief moment, I actually believed that I was falling in love with this person! Crazy right?! Can you believe it?

Well, I didn’t. Not for long at least.

As I mentioned before,  I’ve struggled with my own meaning of what love really is. If it exists or if it’s just some myth Hollywood uses to make good movies and shows. But for starters, I at least have a solid idea of what I want it to look like, function and feel. How that turns out may not directly correlate with the definition of what it really is, but it is a first step.

As the summer came to an close, all this happiness I felt being with them was growing more and more within me, like putting air in a balloon. But when there is too much air, the balloon is destined to pop.

In my case, and maybe most, with reflection I noticed something kind of big.

When you like someone romantically, often times you may find yourself living in the fairytale land, which can cause you to view this person how you imagine that they’d be; as opposed to how they really are. Flaws and all.

This is something I wished I would’ve realized early on, but hindsight is always 20/20 I guess. So yeah, I eventually got the opportunity to see them for how they really are, and also seeing that I’d wasted so much time and energy into thinking that it may possibly ‘blossom’ into something. Little did I know, that would never happen.

And God, did that hurt like a motherfucker.

It was kind of weird at first, because I couldn’t really process what the fuck just happened. Mainly because I didn’t want to, because that would go against the very image I created of them in my head, which was a false one after all. I ended up hurting in reverse I think. Because once the conversation came along about being in a relationship and the answer being a simple ‘no’ it was as if a light switch went off in my head. All the sadness, hurt, pain and tears cried vanished as if I never went through that at all.

Months have past since this, and somedays it still feels raw. But it was necessary for my growth, and honestly, I don’t regret anything about it.

Do I still like them? My friends would be screaming ‘YES’ at this question, but honestly I’d say, no. Yes, I’m still very much attracted to them because they’re hot as hell. But genuinely speaking, I had to come to terms with myself that they were simply not the person for me. Not in the form of a lover nor a friend. I learned that from the moment we kissed, we’d basically hit the glass ceiling in our relationship weather either one of us realized it or not. From that point on, you either date, or become fuck buddies eventually.

For a while I chose the latter. Because it was as close as I was ever going to get with what I truly wanted with them. I thought I could handle it because I’d seen their flaws that turned me off from dating them, but I soon came to the conclusion that this wasn’t going to help me in any way shape or form in moving on from them. So, for a final time (hopefully) I made up my mind and decided to keep my distance. I never reach out first anymore, and soon I diverted back to avoiding plans to see them, ever. Luckily they are a shit communicator, so this isn’t so hard for me to do anyway.

Now that my long-winded love story is over, I guess the biggest takeaway is that for the first time ever, I felt so strongly about someone that I almost considered it to be love. I don’t think I’ve had a first love yet, but if I did they’d be a close runner up.

When emotions run wild they can have you doing some crazy things, and thinking even crazier. Love and all the things that accompany it are not always a walk in the park. You will feel happy, sad, angry, and sometimes like you’re loosing your goddamn mind! Because it can be scary, and for some even scarier because it’s all so new.

But no matter how it all turns out I will recommend this. Take love, crushes and everything in between, including the person you’re receiving it from; for what it is. Not for what you’ve imagined it to be. Sit in it, and enjoy it as if it could all end tomorrow; and if it does end, try your very best to walk away from it regretting nothing, but learning everything. Because it is this that will help you to create something bigger and better in the future.

Does love exist? Is Love a Lie! (?)

“YES! It does! Maybe. Or well, hmm. I don’t know.” as they’d say.

But in all actuality, who really does know?

Here’s a song that reminds me of this experience. (The Winner Takes it All, by ABBA) 

Be well, Happy Valentines Day, and most importantly, strive to find a love that is fit for you :) 

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As always, thank you in advance for reading my writings. Be safe, and be well. Until the next post!

#thank you in advance #valentines #day #valentines day #love #life #relationships #experiences #heartbreak #sadness #pain #moving on #moving forward #love life of a black girl #be safe #take care #february #14th #2021 #february 14th 2021

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Whitney Houston (1995)

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What The Heck is Goin’ On? - The Rise & The Downfall

Well Hello There!

To whoever is reading this, welcome to my blog!

As a part of my shorter writings that I plan on sharing, some of those will be under a series entitled ‘What The Heck is Goin’ On?’ which will simply be my brief interpretation of some of the many, crazy, wild and mindboggling: current events. (In the US at least)

As always, these words that I’ve written are purely my own, true to myself and myself alone. Enjoy!

As we near the end of January as the first month of this new year comes to a close; one can’t help but acknowledge an important event that took place last week — the inauguration.

Many people tuned in on their screens to witness the swearing in of President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris. Some may have even considered it a ‘Historic Day’ In that sentiment I would have to agree. Because never before have we seen a woman hold the position of being Vice President, so that is definitely something important to note. As the morning of January 20th came to a close, you could somewhat feel a shift in the air — that change was definitely present.

But you simply cannot talk about the inauguration without mentioning Bernie Sanders. Dressed in regular clothes are folded as he sat in a chair, he was instantly turned into a meme that is still making headlines almost a week later.

With a new administration underway, some people are feeling a sense of hope is on the horizon and hell, maybe good things may come of it after all. But others, are not feeling the optimism of the new president at all. With shaky histories behind both  President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris, some people are not convinced that they will be any different than those who came before them.

But, time will tell, won’t it?

In other news along the lines of heartbreak, the Green Bay Packers lost their one shot and getting a ticket to the super bowl, and I’m sure that Packers fans everywhere (myself included) are heartbroken and upset that our favorite football team will be sent home, yet again. Not having won a super bowl in 11 years.

The game in itself was visibly rigged as some fans may put it. Probably in favor of a certain player on the opposing team, who shall not be named. But now we can only hope that the Kansas City Chiefs win this years super bowl, which would be their second win in a row. Fingers crossed!

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As always, thank you in advance for reading my writings. Be safe, and be well. Until the next post!

— K.

#packers #nfc championship #kamala harris #joe biden #vp kamala harris #president joe biden #vice president kamala harris #inauguration 2021 #inaguration #us politics #bernie sanders #january 26th 2021 #thank you in advance #what the heck is goin' on? #reading 2 #super bowl #green bay packers #nfl #football

[insidethemindofk]

2013-12-29

Instagram  |  hwantastic79vivid

Ulju-gun, Ulsan, Republic of Korea

Nikon D4 + AF-S NIKKOR 85mm F1.4G

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What The Heck is Goin’ On? - Capitol Hill Criminals

Well Hello There!

To whoever is reading this, welcome to my blog!

Cheers! This is the first writing of the year!

As a part of my shorter writings that I plan on sharing, some of those will be under a series entitled ‘What The Heck is Goin’ On?’ which will simply be my brief interpretation of some of the many, crazy, wild and mindboggling: current events. (In the US at least)

As always, these words that I’ve written are purely my own, true to myself and myself alone. Enjoy!

Now, we are not even two weeks into the new year, and it seems as though 2021 is already starting to show is what type of year it will be. Most people brought in the new year in various ways: either passed out drunk with friends, (how was that hangover?) or a enjoying a quiet evening alone. Oh yeah, can’t forget that we also brought in more COVID-19 cases with us as well... (sigh).

Then the next thing you know, the first Monday comes knocking at our doors and it seems as though everything has gone back to “business as usual.” If you are fortunate enough, there was a job for you to go back to; knowing that the vast majority are currently unemployed due to the large number of job losses during this pandemic. For some, you probably started another semester of school. But while we are all doing are best to live our lives with some sense of normalcy day to day, we are also forced to simultaneously consume what is going on; locally, nationally and even globally.

In most recent news, as we all know, on January 6th, a large group of enraged and quite frankly unhinged white people (specifically T*umpies) stormed into Capitol Hill going batshit crazy; per usual over something completely unnecessary and pointless. 

We weren’t even seven days into the new year, but have already been greeted with insanity.

The whole thing, being broadcasting on news stations everywhere, was something absolutely bizarre to be able to witness in real time. While I viewed what was happening, whether on my TV screen or via social media; I was equally humored as I was terrified that in the big ole year of 2021, crazy things like this were still possible, and of course thanks to white privilege, would have little to no repercussions on those who participated in such foolishness.

Above all, what I don’t understand is how people were so riled up in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon! Like damn, don’t y’all have jobs, kids or even a pet that you should be worried about? Especially to some of these individuals who flew from all over simply to be involved in such a mess. A shame, really. But again, nothing new.

One thing that I noticed a lot of people observe, were the obvious comparisons of how the police treat white people having an extreme temper tantrum — I mean “protesting” THE dumbest things; versus any other minority group who were actually protesting the many injustices that their communities go through on a daily basis.

As the majority of people may know, until white people (especially t*umpies) realize that the world does not, in fact, revolve around them and some of their horrible beliefs (along with a million other things) change is going to take a while. 

But just because something takes time, does not mean that it is impossible to achieve. 

This, I strongly believe.

Nevertheless, amidst the chaos their is always the possibility that something positive may happen as well. 

On January 8th, after months, if not years of pleading from many twitter users, Twitter finally suspended that man’s twitter account, (you all know who I’m talking about..) permanently banning him from the social platform. So at least as far as his crazed tweets go, for the time being you won’t have to worry about seeing that anymore.

Hopefully, the rest of January will be kinder to us, and that it will be filled with a little less madness. Because 2020 was hard enough on everyone, and I think we at least deserve a small break during this pandemic, among other things.

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As always, thank you in advance for reading my writings. Be safe, and be well. Until the next post!

— K.

#january 10th #2021 #current events #crazy white people #capitol hill #washington dc #dc #capitol #hill #january #10th #tr*mp #new #blog #post #new blog post #new post #share #covid #be safe #thank you in advance

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[insidethemindofk]

Blog Post Masterlist #1

Here you will find the master list for all my blog posts, stand alone or series, right here in one place!

Welcome! [1/6/2021]

Happy New Year (2021) [1/3/2021]

What The Heck is Goin’ On? - Series [January 2021-]

Love is a Lie! (?) [2/14/2021]

Heartbreak is a Motherfucker [2/28/2021]

A Feeling Words Can’t Describe [4/9/2021]

Finding My Way Back... [12/30/2021]

To Love, & To Be Loved [2/14/2022]