melalot

[melalot]

I've been working on a new multichapter fic consisting of a huge ensemble, meaning various ships, various POVs, including characters I never thought I would try to emulate, various plot lines which occasionally overlap and I am terrified.

But I'm also very excited.

A story with a large cast has always been something I admired in writing and something daunting that I've wanted to try to tackle. It might not really get reads (after all not every ship will be everyone's thing, the shifting plot lines will probably annoy anyone who wants the focus on one couple), but it's something exciting for me as a writer.

I know what I do well. I know I do insecurity, tentative vulnerability, communication, within love stories pretty decently. It's practically all I've done. This, though. This is scary and new. It's still a series of love stories, but it's refreshing to force myself into the minds of characters I've never tried to tap into. And it's exciting to push myself.

This is a reminder to myself, so that after the first, the second, the third, the fifth chapter I don't give up. This will be a challenge, and I need to remind myself of the excitement I felt when I started brainstorming it or when I finished the first chapter. I want to remember it and tap back into it when it all feels pointless.

And if you made it this far, without being me, thanks aha hopefully you'll give the story a chance ♡

#mha fanfic recs #mha fanfiction #kiribaku #erasermight #dabihawks #tochako #rodydeku #seroroki #cupioromantic #mina ashido #kirishima eijirou #bakugou katsuki #todoroki shoto #hanta sero #deku #bakusquad #izuku mydoria #rody soul #toga himiko #ochako uraraka #aizawa shouta #yahi todhinori #denki kaminari #shinsou hitoshi #kyoka jiro #denkikyokashinsou #touya todoroki #todoroki family

[melalot]

New MHA Server!

Hey friends! So in light of me getting into the MHA fandom as of recent, and not really finding a server that really fits my vibe - I have decided to make my own!

I have been working pretty hard on it, and in a lot of ways it is a WIP, but I've done a lot of good set ups with channels like fanfiction recs, sharing art, tik toks, talking about the manga, character analysis, sharing theories, anime discussion, manga discussion, talking about pairings, all the things that makes enjoying MHA a lot more fun ~

Remember this is a BABY server, this is the first time I'm publicating the server link, so getting members in might take a while but bare with me! I will chat with you :)

Here is the link! UA Hub and if you just wanna copy and paste: https://discord.gg/EgKzusMGdK

[melalot]

New MHA Server!

Hey friends! So in light of me getting into the MHA fandom as of recent, and not really finding a server that really fits my vibe - I have decided to make my own!

I have been working pretty hard on it, and in a lot of ways it is a WIP, but I've done a lot of good set ups with channels like fanfiction recs, sharing art, tik toks, talking about the manga, character analysis, sharing theories, anime discussion, manga discussion, talking about pairings, all the things that makes enjoying MHA a lot more fun ~

Remember this is a BABY server, this is the first time I'm publicating the server link, so getting members in might take a while but bare with me! I will chat with you :)

Here is the link! UA Hub and if you just wanna copy and paste: https://discord.gg/EgKzusMGdK

#mha #mha fanfiction #mha fanfic recs #boku no hero academia #todoroki shoto #bnha fanfiction #bnha fanart #boku no hero #bakugo katsuki #kirishima eijirou #bakusquad #dekusquad #urakara ochako #midorya #izuku mydoria #hanta sero #shoto todoroki #anime and manga #tik tok #discord server #mha discord server #bnha discord server #denki kaminari #multishipping #multishipping server #shota aizawa #mr aizawa #eraserhead

[melalot]

TSATS BOOK REVIEW/ANALYSIS (aka i go over things i feel was misinterpreted in the book)

So I read TSATS book, and I’m realizing that a lot of stuff in the book was misinterpreted so I’m just gonna write this here to drop my 2 cents. 

Beyond this point there is spoilers

So personally y’all I loved the book, mainly because of how different and refreshing it is from other books.

I know this book had a co-writer, and honestly I’m glad there was a co-writer because I think the co-writer understood something that I felt like Rick has underplayed in many of his books.

How trauma affects people.

I mean this book was FULL of it, and I think it really flew over a lot of people’s heads as to how crucial Will and Nico’s past experiences and trauma’s shape them as they are and their whole relationship - now let’s go into more detail. 

First I want to say - to me this wasn’t a book about them going on a quest to Tartarus to save Bob. To me this was the story of Solangelo. I mean we literally have the nymph ask them both to tell them the story of them. And the book shifts between their current conflicts, while showing the past of how they came to be, how that led up to them now.

And I also want to remind you guys that they’re both 15 year olds, and that they’ve only been together for almost a year. Their relationship is still developing, but for what already is there? I am so surprised and honestly amazed and proud of how strong they are together, they balance each other out perfectly.

Let’s start with Will. 

I keep hearing about Will being shown as a chill guy that is laid back and stuff - but I feel like you guys are literally forgetting BOO Solace who literally made it his point to be adamant about having Nico realize he wanted to be his friend, and how he takes on the burden of healing every camper that comes to his infirmary. Like this boy ain’t chill - he’s got fucking anxiety y’all!!!!

But I loved reading Will’s POV and I loved reading the way he viewed himself and his relationship with Nico. Will is a son of Apollo, and he hasn’t been out in the real world as much as other demigods have like Percy and Annabeth and Nico, and the other 7. Sure he was at the Battle of Manhattan and he went through some things in the Gaea war, and some with Nero BUT actually going into a quest willingly like that? He never has, so he may not have as much of an understanding as other demigods will about their time in war and their struggles.

Will also didn’t have the same upbringing as Nico. He is a completely different individual. And I’m bringing this point because of the moments in the books where Will would talk badly about the Underworld and where he didn’t seem to understand it the way Nico did. 

Of course he wouldn’t understand it the way Nico did - he wasn’t Nico, but also he was surrounded by people who viewed the Underworld as a creepy place, so yeah Will kinda got roped into that stereotype. But you know what I admire about Will? That he recognized that he didn’t understand, and that he tried to view it the way Nico did, and eventually he did. Like sure he realized Nico would get irritated with him at times - but also they weren’t talking about what was really bothering them in those moments - so both of them had a right to be upset. 

I think Will was just also afraid of Nico going back to his old ways. We saw throughout the book that he was afraid of Nico leaving him, that he’d realize they’re too different - his insecurities about it. Because Will hasn’t gone through what Nico went through, and by the book, they’re supposed to be polar oppostites, but he didn’t let that stop him from from trying to understand his boyfriend. 

Will also had trauma with feeling like he had to fix everyone. He was a healer, he was the son of apollo, optimism and fixing things was his thing. I think the important thing towards the end of the book is him realizing he didn’t need to fix anyone, especially not Nico. Because Nico didn’t need fixing, he just needed someone who accepted him and understood him as he is. And Will came to understand that when he said he didn’t want to keep a version he made in his head of Nico, because he recognized that he was trying to fix him all along and was going about it the wrong way. Will allowed himself to accept some of his own darkness, which in turn gave Nico some of his light. Honestly it was truly beautiful that they added that part about love isn’t about people coming to save you from your tragic life and make you sudddenly love yourself. As per will and persephone’s convo - love is a choice made everyday. to understand and accept the person you want to be with. 

Now with Nico

Honestly it felt so refreshing to read Nico that was a lot happier and more himself and comfortable in his skin. To read about him accepting himself and being proud of it and being so openly affectionate with his boyfriend and vulnerable, is a complete 180 - and it goes to show how much he has healed because he himself DECIDED he didn’t want to shut people out of his life anymore

The patience Nico also had with Will in understanding that will was a different person so it would be harder for him to understand his second home was incredibly important, bc even tho he got irritated at him for it, he also recognized that he couldn’t be mad about something that someone didn’t understand. but he also saw how much will was trying, and will came around towards the end. they talked about what bothered them, they had their fights, but they RESOLVED IT.

another thing i loved about nico is his ability to want to understand another person and see their perspective. he did it with nyx and i thought that was so powerful, because it showed how he doesn’t see things in black and white, that he understands that the way people were brought up affect how they are in the real world, why he is the way he is. but he also doesn’t let it excuse them for their actions.

this whole book was about changing your life because YOU wanted to. understanding and accepting your past and trauma and learning to live with it BECAUSE you wanted to. Understanding one another to make a better relationship BECAUSE love is a choice.

the message is right there!!

so yeah, this book wasnt about a quest to save bob

it was their story, and it was absolutely amazing

the story of how they got together, their first kiss (which hello even if it was after the death of jason, they had gone months dating each other and let me just say the gays have a way of being impulsive mfs lollll, i still thought it was so them) the way they took care of each other, and the kisses, and the jokes, and the ways they understood each other so well and their train of thoughts and the sun lamp and the tokens and the ring and just them 

they’re soulmates

anyway ty for coming to my ted talk, this book was amazing and i loved it

#tsats spoilers #tsats #TSATS review #the sun and the stars #the sun and the star #nico di angelo #will solace #solangelo #will and nico #spoiler

[melalot]

Hey do you read The Sun and The Star?

Can i ask your opinion on the book?

Thank you so much

Hey! do u want a spoiler kind of opinion or like, no spoilers?

[melalot]

anyone who has read the sun and the star hit me up so we can chat on discord or some about the book, because i need to release these thoughts from my brain b4 i spontaneously combust

#the sun and the star #tsats spoilers #tsats #solangelo #nico di angelo #will solace #nico and wil

[melalot]

tfw when u see this after re-reading LAD 😭 - i think if something can bring the fandom back roaring it will be this fic lmaooo

lad 14 snip

[melalot]

everything in my life seems to be working towards my favor. me getting into a career i love already, being able to pursue a job with it in the upcoming months, having the ability and desire to open my own business with it, and yet i can’t help this feeling that there is a part of me that still feels fucking empty inside. 

i have new family that has entered my life, and i’ve reconnected with old friends, and i’m starting to do things i never did before which was go out, and do things that are fun, but i don’t have that deep connection and level of understanding that i previously had anymore. and honestly its pretty lonely, not having anybody that understands you for you and just accepts that? 

my friends and family are all the type to in a way just be like “you’ll get over this soon, just move on, live your life, etc” and not truly sit down and just listen to u and be like “yeah its understandable that u feel that way”

im just not like most people my age. i’ve been hurt way too many times, and have been through shit i probably shouldn’t have even been exposed to in my age, and have dealt with constant let downs and disappointments, have piled up with the hurt until suddenly i can’t handle it anymore and its either taken away from me or i decide to make a change. and i feel like what if there are just no more chances anymore? what if this is it? am i always going to feel like this about everybody that enters my life now? am i just not going to trust, am i just not going to let things get too intimate because “i’ve seen this film before and i didn’t like the ending?” (TS reference, but anyway)  thinking like this is doing a disservice to myself, but honestly, connecting to people, more so on a romantic level is the most triggering thing in my life right now. i can’t go one day without being triggered by something that i’m either reading, that someone mentions, that i see, or that i listen to through a song. and i’m so tired of being so broken over it. i just want it all to be gone, and do shit i’ve always wanted in my youth, meeting new people, and not feeling so fucking guilty and gross over it, listen to songs and not feel so triggered about it because it feels all to real. i’m just so tired. and i’m so tired too of being told to get over it, and that a time will come when i don’t feel this way anymore. i know that day will come, and it will come in its own time, but right now i’m hurt and im scared for when that day comes, that i will fuck it up.

gotta stop preventing myself from living

#vent

[melalot]

A lot of the times I get worried about if I’m ever going go live the life I want.

Will I be in love again? Will they love me in all the ways I want to be loved and more? Will we have a family? Will we have kids, adopt, travel, do all the things I never had like family game night, bake together, be so grossly in love we go on dates whenever we can?

I guess after I get hurt after each and every time in the love department a little more faith gets lost. But I’m hoping on everything happening for a reason and that the universe is holding onto something great for me

#writing #thoughts #vent #love #life

[melalot]

So “Enough For You” by Olivia Rodrigo came on while I was driving yesterday, and I realized how much the song reflected about how I felt during the downfall of my last relationship in the past couple months. It is something I have healed a lot from, and I’ve gotten some sense of closure on it, but works of art comes from experiences and the pain right? So inspired by the song, I wrote like a poem? or a song? Idk, but it was inspired by it and I just want a platform to share it on!

(Start)

I tried so hard to love you like you never have been before

Cause I wanted to water back all the love that others have stolen before

Just for you to cast me aside and break my heart every night

But, I paid attention to the little things

Like the scissors and the quirks

I listened to you ramble about your interests

Cause I loved you and wanted to just know more

Stupid, emotional, obsessive little me

Of course no one would love me as much as I could love someone else...

I gave you everything

 And you left me in the dust

Said your final words all so you could run away

Left me angry, wondering if you’d even ever come running back

But then I realized that all the love I poured into you

Was draining me of my whole sense of worth

I gave you everything...

 and yet it was never enough for you

And all I ever wanted was to be enough for you...

And maybe you were just afraid

About the feelings when I came too close

But God, you could’ve told me you weren’t ready

Instead of go lead me on and break my heart

Not only once

But on three separate times

Now I don’t want to wait anymore for someone who can’t love me like I deserve

I just want back the me you stole before we ever started

And now I’m angry picking up

All the pieces that you left

And then I finally realize

That you were not worth all those times

I tore myself a part just to be left all behind

And all I ever wanted was to be enough for you..

I loved you way too much to be lead on and set aside

How could you  say you loved me and then run so far the next day?

But I don’t need you to say you’re sorry

I’m sorry for you instead

Cause one day I’ll be everything to someone else

And they’ll think that I’m worth trying for

And they’ll love me and  all my quirks

They’ll listen to my rambles

And comfort me on my nights I feel my worst

You say you needed more time

But all my time’s run out

All I ever wanted was to be enough for you

I can’t wait any longer 

To see what you choose

I can’t stand here waiting, to be enough for you

So I hope you all the best, but

I can’t stand here waiting.. to be enough for you

#poem #song lyrics #enough for you by olivia rodrigo #writing #vent #heartbreak #heartache #breakup

[melalot]

i just realized how fucked up it is that the years pass, change happens, and u then realize how much of your life you spent hating on yourself, to then look back on some moments of your past, things u took for granted of about yourself, and look back at it so fondly? because im in a point of my life right now where everything is confusing, and i’m rewiring my brain and all this trauma shit right now, and everything feels like such a *low*, that i’m forgetting things that are a part of me like i’m actually really fucking funny if i just let go a bit and didn’t care what people think cause i was starting to feel like the past few months that i started taking life too seriously and was beginning to lose my humor, and like its not lost?? i just need to create a sense of safety within myself again

anyway, can’t wait to start learning how to be me again and not being ashamed of it or like i’m wrong or some shit cuz being mean to yourself is exhausting 

#vent #anxiety #healing #trauma #today is a more clearhead day #or stable day as a therapist would say lol #hoping to keep it up and stick to my routines and shit

[melalot]

it is not an evil thing to look at yourself with kindness. your life was never meant to be a punishment

[melalot]

i want my friends

but ill never say it

i want my own place

not yet

i want my own family

but its not meant for me

i want love

but im too much for it

i want to be happy

but its not in the cards for me

i want to stop beating myself up

but its just so easy

i want to say how i feel

but its better for everyone that i dont

i want to scream

but i got to act like nothings wrong

i want to cry

but ive already cried it all

i want to be free from myself

but my mistakes hold me hostage

#writing #anxiety #depression #healing #trauma #writing used to be my outlet #hopefully it can become it again #anxiety is exhausting #trauma is tiring #i feel so fucking alone #its 3 am and i cant sleep because memories

[melalot]

who’s got a lot of trouble expressing their needs and feelings in fear of looking stupid or them not being met, and instead pushes everyone away and grows resentment because your mind can’t be read, but also you’re the one that pushed people away to begin with, so now you’re in your own vicious cycle of isolation you’ve dug yourself down a deep hole that feels just too late to climb out of now?

✨this dumb bitch right here✨

[melalot]

I had probably the best therapy session with my therapist ever today. 

All of December was really hard, and I wasn’t able to reach out to my therapist during that time, so I was bottling up a lot, but also was not in a place in which I could reach out much either. 

But I’ve been doing a little better lately about expressing my need for help, and today we talked, and I had never felt a conversation align more with me until today. 

(its just a short story down, just don’t want this to clog up anyone’s feed if they don’t wanna read it) 

My therapist has been seeing me since I was 16, so for 3-ish years now. I went into therapy as a person that had super paralyzing anxiety, and did everything I could to shut out the world. She mentioned how back then, she had been writing notes to my teacher so that I wouldn’t have to interact with others in projects because of the amount anxiety it gave me. 

But now, I’ve been wanting connections. I realized I’m actually a lot more extroverted than I realized, I’m working in jobs in which I have to interact with people, and I actually enjoy it, and it just shows a lot of growth in the ways I’ve changed over the course of the past few years, and how my needs have changed. 

I told her all that was weighing down on me for the past month. How hard it’s been. How these are different feelings I don’t know how to cope with. How my anxiety is becoming paralyzing again and is taking me hostage. 

She told me how anxiety is not in the present moment. And sure, I knew the feeling of anxiety is about the past or the future, but when it was put in that way, it really did make me realize, that nothing I’m panicking or worrying about, is happening in the present moment (which is why it is important to redirect self into the present) and how you can’t breathe and have anxiety at the same time. Which is why the first thing someone tells you when you have a panic attack is to breathe, because the brain can’t do both. 

She also told me about how the things that screw up relationships, are expectations and memories. Our memories are our experiences. Expectations, are things we/society places on us, on how things should be, and it really had me put into perspective the ways in which wow, it really does fuck up a lot. 

When we percieve things as a threat, we go into survival mode. Because we have memories, we have experiences. I constantly live in a state of survival, to the point where I don’t know what calm feels like. And when there’s calm, it feels like there’s something wrong, because my body is not used to feeling *safe*

It really made me look into and realize that my patterns of knitpicking and finding things wrong in my relationships are ways in which I’m unconsciously trying to find familiarity. 

Near the end of our conversation, she asked me if I knew what was the common thing every person needs and seeks for, and I kinda just laughed and said “what, love?” and she told me “No. To feel safe.” 

And when I tell you that *hit* 

Anyway, I just wanted to share this and put it out there. I’m learning a lot about myself. And yeah, I’m in a stuck place, and I feel pretty alone, but this is my season to learn and grow. To reconnect to my body and create the safety no one else ever did. To provide that for myself, because its what I need. 

lol, peace

#vent #tw mentions of panic attacks/anxiety #healing #growth

[melalot]

Vent

I cry over everything now lol, I don’t mind it but its so weird feeling emotions after being numb for so long (thanks anti-depressents for that) 

i have cried so much in the past 6 months than i have in my whole life i think. im in my room, i cry. i’m out going for a drive, i cry. i’m in the grocery store or at work, i cry. just lots and lots of crying. 

the past few days have been difficult. because it washed over me just how lonely i really am. i don’t have family members i can just chill with without them expecting much from me or wanting me for something. i can’t go and talk to anyone in my family without being bombarded with intrusive questions, or being criticized for the way i do things, my eating habits, my body, my life, simply for just breathing air. 

and i don’t have any friends who just enjoy my company or get me. my friends are people that always want to do these fun things, talk about their boyfriends, and gossip, and i just want to lay down in the park and have a fucking picnic or something. 

all the people i do want to hang out with, are unreachable. and i’m just stuck in this viscious cycle of lonliness, wanting so badly to just be seen for me. sometimes i honestly just feel like i’m an unlovable person - but that’s abandonment issues speaking there lol 

its just not a good time. i haven’t been able to see my therapist this whole past month, and i won’t be able to til next month. its just a whole lot of emotions im forced to keep to myself.

#vent #this is just an outlet #i title these posts as vents so people know that's what they are #i number them to keep track for myself lol

[melalot]

Vent

i’ve felt like shit today, the holidays are a constant reminder of all the things i could possibly ever want, but just don’t have, and not in a gift type of way. 

i woke up today and my social media was flooded with posts from my father’s side of the family (who i’m not as close to or celebrate any holiday’s with) and i’m always just filled with such pain and jealousy whenever i see those things. because they form all the traditions i wish i had. i wish i could wake up with Christmas PJ’s on Christmas morning, i wish it was my whole family with my cousins together, eating breakfast, taking turns giving gifts, seeing the little ones overjoyed, sharing a holiday with a partner

and then i spiraled and got angry with myself simply just because. 

because its not just christmas, its not just family, and its not just jealousy. its this emptiness i feel inside all the time, wanting all the simplest things in the world, just wanting to be a part of something, wanting to share something with someone

and its just, not my reality, not what is in the cards for me

so i spent today just jealous of everyone, everyone who has that, feeling like shit because why can’t i have that

and i start to think i’m too much. i’m simply just too much

and thats my take on Christmas. 

#vent #my outlet #had forgotten how shitty these days make me feel