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ingek73 · 1 year

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The palace DID brief against Harry and Meghan - what's the point in denying something so obvious?

Omid Scobie·Royal Executive Editor

Mon, 12 December 2022, 6:30 pm·9-min read

There was a moment that took place before the Sussexes’ docuseries Harry & Meghan went live that, while I sat watching the first three episodes, I couldn’t get out of my mind.

It's not that there wasn’t enough interesting material to digest. The show had emotional stories, sweet anecdotes and interesting historical context that made it a fascinating watch. But you don’t need a journalist — especially one who is far too in the weeds — to tell you what they thought of it. Best to see it for yourself (if you haven't already).

No, what had consumed my thoughts was a response to the first trailer for the six-part series, where Prince Harry is heard talking about the culture of briefing and leaks within the Palace. “There's a hierarchy of the family,” he says. “You know there's leaking, but there's also planting of stories. . . It’s a dirty game.”

Though it was just a few words (and only a preview of what’s to come), it was the first time since Princess Diana’s Panorama interview that a member of the Royal Family had so openly lifted the lid on one of the most toxic practices going on behind palace walls.

Though racism and lack of support are both important to the couple's story, the damaging stories leaked by individuals within the House of Windsor were also one of the main reasons the Sussexes felt a need to find a different path. A place to thrive, not survive, to borrow Meghan's words.

Private photos of the Harry and Meghan are used in their documentary. (Netlfix)

So when I saw a British tabloid article quoting a “royal source” (that’s usually code for someone at the palace who doesn’t want to go on the record) insisting that it was “absolutely wrong” to suggest the Sussexes had been briefed against, I had to reread the sentence a second time just to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating. It was gaslighting to the extreme.

Remember the 2018 tabloid stories moaning about Meghan’s 5am emails? The drama around her tiara? These reports, and many others, included anonymous quotes from palace sources and aides.

Yet some of the more royal-friendly members of the press have been quick to express outrage at Harry suggesting such a thing took place. But then, as is often the case, mirroring palace outrage is nothing new round these parts.

The reality is, people working at the Palace did brief against Harry and Meghan while they were working royals. Regularly. And it was hardly a secret, either. While writing the book Finding Freedom, a number of the staff I spoke to complained about the culture of leaking and negative briefings within the institution. Some felt it was out of jealousy of the couple’s unrivalled popularity at the time, others shrugged and said that’s just how it goes, and a couple believed that much of it came from a place of disliking Meghan.

Palace aides also brief against other royals. With three different households back then—Clarence House, Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace—all with their own teams, it wasn’t (and still isn’t) uncommon for an aide to look out for their boss by using information about another member of the family (from a different household, and usually less senior) as currency to curry favour with the outlets you never want to be on the wrong side of. This doesn’t really happen with TV media, but is common with print and online press.

Briefing off the record or as a quotable source is by no means a bad thing and is often used by journalists, including myself. Publicists and representatives for the likes of celebrities, sports stars, politicians, companies and governments all rely on being able to quietly speak to journalists about stories or issues they may not want to go officially on the record for. In the palace's case, it can be a useful way of sharing useful or sensitive information to journalists ahead of an engagement or important moment, or simply to deny or address a story they may not want to give oxygen to.

Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, arrive at the 2022 Robert F. Kennedy Human Rights Ripple of Hope Award Gala at the Hilton Midtown in New York on December 6, 2022. (Photo by ANGELA WEISS / AFP) (Photo by ANGELA WEISS/AFP via Getty Images)

Over the years I have written many times about the darker uses of this tool, and how it affected the Sussexes. But it wasn’t until last year that my reporting saw the Palace hit back.

On a 2021 primetime royal documentary, I suggested that it was no coincidence that stories of Prince William’s “fears” for Harry’s “fragile” state of mind had appeared in newspapers less than a day after the Duke of Sussex revealed the growing distance between the brothers during a TV special. The fact that a senior member of the then-Duke of Cambridge’s staff had used supposed concerns about Harry’s mental health as an opportunity for positive press about brother William was very much noticed by the Sussexes, I added.

Kensington Palace quickly intervened. And producers behind the show were put under pressure to remove my words. Aides for Prince William warned that it was “potentially defamatory”.

The tug-of-war went as far as executive level at the network until an 11th hour agreement to mute the audio of my voice for several seconds in the airing of the documentary was made. Certain journalists were then briefed by Kensington Palace—who did not reach out to me beforehand—that I had “no evidence” to support my claim.

“It provided a vivid example that Kensington Palace is certainly more prepared to wade in to influence media coverage when it chooses to,” says director of the William and Harry: What Went Wrong? documentary, Richard Sanders. “On the day of transmission, the Palace demanded that we remove [the] quote. People more important than myself acquiesced, although it seemed to me perfectly legally defensible.”

Defensible, indeed. In fact, what was not pointed out by outlets at the time were the original articles containing said briefings, which were published immediately after Harry & Meghan: An African Journey was broadcast in October 2019. They’re still easy to find online and, clear as day, quote a source at Kensington Palace.

“WILLS: MY FEARS FOR FRAGILE HARRY”, was The Sun’s October 21, 2019 front page. Inside the paper, a senior royal source revealed that William was worried about Harry’s “fragile" state of mind. Another source in the story added, “Harry is not in great shape. . . I’d say he’s not well.”

Front pages of British newspapers purported to tell William's side of the story after Harry had disclosed in an interview he and his brother were on "different paths". (Getty Images)

And a Kensington Palace source was also quoted by BBC News on the same day, revealing that The Duke of Cambridge was "worried" about his brother. Harry and Meghan, they add, were in a “fragile” place.

Similar language appeared in a number of other outlets, including the front page of the Daily Mail: “WILLIAM’S FEARS FOR TROUBLED HARRY”.

For full transparency, these articles were not my confirmation on the origins of the original briefing. I was briefed by a senior aide at another royal household. The individual—who, at the time, felt strongly about a line being crossed by someone working for William—had sent me text messages about the briefings relating to William’s concerns for Harry’s mental health the night the newspaper stories went to print with the information.

This is just one example of the games that have long gone on behind the scenes at the palace. And what so many there, including some of the family, get dragged into, no matter how much they resist. For Harry, it’s what he says he wanted to get his family away from. Princess Diana was not so lucky.

In the past I have called the relationship between a journalist and the palaces a delicate dance, a game that needs to be an almost equal give and take to maintain access. But—as the example above illustrates—when the stakes are high, that dance can turn into something altogether more dangerous. Facts can be distorted, reputations damaged, mistruths can easily be put out into the world in seconds.

Viewers of the documentary are treated to intimate glimpses of their early romance. (Netflix)

The next three episodes of Harry & Meghan will tackle this subject and the Royal Family’s relationship with the media. A new trailer released on Monday features the Duke claiming, "They were happy to lie to protect my brother. They were never willing to tell the truth to protect us". As I write this, Kensington Palace have no comment to make on the series and also declined to comment on the story I share above, but I can imagine when the second batch of episodes is released it may be different.

These first three episodes saw very little reason for a peep to come out of The Firm. In fact, the only drama to emerge was over whether or not the Palace had been given the right of reply to claims made in the Netflix series.

After a full-screen card at the start of Harry & Meghan read, “Members of the Royal Family declined to comment on the content within the series”, both Kensington Palace and Buckingham Palace quickly denied being given a heads-up. Sources at both anonymously claimed they were not approached for comment (instead, they say, an email purporting to be from a third-production company was received, but no one replied when they attempted to verify its origins). A Netflix source, however, insists the communications officers of both King Charles and Prince William were contacted in advance. This is by no means the last we will hear of this story, but that’s as far it goes for now.

As is often the case, these back-and-forths quickly get messy. And it’s a shame, because so much of it could be avoided by simply not being so compelled to respond to and brief on every little thing. For a family that pretty much owns the term “never complain, never explain”, it’s almost laughable that the majority of them—and the people they keep close to their sides—have yet to actually master it.

#meghan markle #prince harry #prince william #brf #omid scobie #abolish the monarchy

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mebiselfandi · 11 months

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i hope this is not gonna annoy you but i was reading your rant about your writing and i was like😔 because goddd i adore them so much the way you write them characters, dialogues or try to explain how they feel in such situations always make me😞 even when you write smut bc dang do you know how much i reread strawberries and cream (it should be illegal) it just the way you always portray them so beautifully it's crazy (like how did u make c*m eating so sweet i cried and horny everytime i remembered that) also i sent this ask bc i just remember your newest neymessi fic and I'm devastated thinking at the possibility of you deleting that work bc goddd i remember the first time i read it i was crying so hard literally need to weep the tears out so i can read the next paragraph and then after I'm done i was pacinf around my room thinking about the next chapter bc u tagged it as it will be sweeter and how i was just so excited to read that bc if i have to live with the possibility of them just ending like that and not talk it out and have a heavy makeout session after just throw me to the ponds full off crocodiles in florida it would hurts less, you make me so attached to these characters that the possibility of neymar hurting bc leo leaving him after the heart wrenching love confession makes me☹️☹️☹️

i hope you'll find your joy and to not feel pressured to writing again because you have such a talent and i will always be happy to read every works you put, finally just wanted to say so glad to have such a talented writer in this fandom🫶🏼

Hi nonnie👋💕

When I got your ask I was like hm what’s this? Only to be hit straight in the feels with a truckload of bricks. ‘Annoy’ me you say. Something like this could never annoy me. This was legit me reading your ask holding back tears:

Tbh I was in a massive writing slump since like end of April. Idk what happened. I got a lil sad, then sick, then even more sad, then my birthday came up, then I got burnt out, next thing I knew it was June and my writing skills just switched off. Nothing all of May(except that one fic I barely remember writing while sick and fueled purely by spite). So when I wrote the last Neymessi fic, I was like not doing great at all. But idk I felt like I had to write something and the idea had been swimming in my head. But writing too sad fics when you’re already sad just = feeling shit about your work. Plus I felt so bad about writing, I thought it would be my last fic ever.

But I mean now I’m no longer feeling weird about writing and I can see the fic from an objective pov. I made a ton of typos and used the same words like twice in one sentence and just cringe phrasings. I could’ve done it better. However, I managed to write 4000 words when I thought I couldn’t. So I won’t delete it cause I can be at least proud of that fact. Also I’m not a quitter, if I delete the fic, the knowledge will haunt me forever. But I will be writing the second chap and I have ideas.

Now I feel kinda bad about it cause I know I said chap 2 will be sweeter buuuut I think it might still be sad. But only because I wanna write a 3rd chapter which will be sweeter. However keyword is sweeter…not sweet. Uh it’ll be a bittersweet ending cause either way Leo’s still leaving but I could never bring my heart to be entirely miserable like that. So don’t worry, it’ll end wellness 😌 but chap 2 is mostly just gonna be Leo’s pov and thoughts then chap 3 will be them finally talking after we hear what Leo’s thinking.

Also…about strawberries and cream though I logged into my ao3 for the first time a couple weeks yesterday and I was so shocked? Last I checked it was at 400 now it’s almost doubled😭😭 I’m so shook. But I’m glad you liked strawberries and cream. It’s one of my fave fics I wrote too.

You’re so sweet anon🥹🥹 like not to be like annoying about comments or wtv. But it always helps to know there is someone who likes your story and you aren’t just writing to the air. And to know I made you react so strongly to it is insane to me. But seriously, thank you so much for this, I’m legit gonna think of this message whenever I feel like I can’t write🫶

#fwis #anon asks🥰#more like anon makes me sob #I actually now have the opposite problem #too many fics to write not enough time in the day #I am writing 6 different chapters at the same time rn it’s insane #hopefully chap 1 of my new fic will be out tomorrow then I can do chap 2 of the angst fic #I actually don’t even remember what I named the fic???

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screadingchallenge · 2 years

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Behind the Keyboard Volume 29

Behind the Keyboard is a series of interviews with different Schitt’s Creek fanfic authors. The series will last as long as there is interest (from authors) and capacity (from me). If you are an author from the Schitt’s Creek fandom who would like to participate, send a DM to this account.

Each author was given ten questions. The first five questions are the same for every author, the last five will vary.

Let’s meet our next author:

@fictasticvoyage / coffee_and_glitter

How many fics have you written?

I have 44 published works, and a notes app full of ideas, song lyrics, and gibberish!

When did you publish your first fic on AO3?

I published my first work on April 16, 2021 and never looked back.

Describe your writing process from “Oh, I have an idea” to pushing publish on AO3.

I get so many of my ideas from songs I hear, so a lot of those start with listening to that song over and over. They don’t necessarily turn into a songfic, but I do love those. I like the fests and prompts I’ve done because I can take someone else’s idea and put my own spin on it. I also love doing location research for my setting- I’ve given myself the travel bug more than once this way.

Anyway, many of my works are fairly short, so once I start actually sitting down to write I just bang it out if I can. 5+1s, which I am a huge fan of, take a little more thought, usually I start a doc with a list of what the parts are and then sometimes go out of order writing them. Once something is done, I reread it like 4 times in a row and then ignore it for a couple days before I give it one last look over for editing and then I send it into the universe when I hit post.

Tell me about your most recent fic? What do you love about it? Is there anything you think you could have done better?

My most recent was Watch Me Unravel for the Rare Pairings fest. It’s about Patrick and Alexis, and I adore any time people write about their sibling-ish relationship! I see a lot of myself in Patrick, and think I write him pretty well, especially in daily life kinds of things. As far as ways I could have improved this one, I might have gone a bit further into David’s reaction at the end, but maybe not, because I wouldn’t want to take away from the Patrick&Alexis of it all.

What advice would you give to someone who’s thinking about publishing their fic for the first time?

DO IT!!! I think a lot of us write based on things going on in our own lives, sometimes to help process things, sometimes just to reflect on things, and maybe writers think ‘oh who wants to read about this dumb thing that happened to me?’ but I promise we do! In fact, that personal element of writing what you know often leads to a more authentic voice for your characters, so it may just improve your writing. At the very least, it will get things out of your own head.

What is the favorite scene you’ve ever written?

In my fic The Promise of a Coming Day, there’s a bit where Patrick accidentally asks David out and then gets all nervous and starts backpedaling, but David ‘makes it all okay’ and I am really proud of the dialog in that bit. Actually, that’s one of my favorite fics that I’ve done. It's set on a boat in West Palm Beach, and I’m very excited to write the follow up, as soon as all these fests are done!

What parts of writing are easy for you? What parts are hard?

I think the easiest is writing dialog. I sometimes overthink the more descriptive parts and think they get too wordy, but as long as I can stay in the character’s headspace, their dialog comes pretty easily. The hardest part for me is the first and last couple sentences. I often feel like my fics just throw the reader into the story and then out too abruptly, but when I try to rework those parts, they get too messy and it seems obvious, like I’m just adding random words. So then I just go back to the original way and try to let my doubts go. I’m generally happy with them by the time I publish.

Tell me about your current WIP if you have one.

Right now I’m working on my claim for Passions and Pastimes. I don’t want to say too much but it’s food related, but also with lots of family feelings as well. I must have a theme- last year’s Passions and Pastimes I wrote about Patrick making homemade ice cream for the town contest! No ice cream this time, though. [Editor's note: This is Comfort Food, published last month.}

Alexis is trapped in a drug lord’s palace and you have to convince her captors to read your fic in order to free her. What’s your best sales pitch for your favorite fic?

Probably my favorite thing I’ve written is More Than Words.https://archiveofourown.org/works/32782474 , a 5+1 with Patrick playing guitar for David. SO… “Please, Mr. Drug Lord, let my friend go! I have this delightfully sappy story for you, but really it’s a bonus because it’s actually six stories, and there’s some Ed Sheeran in there, and a really sweet bit about David when he’s sick, but there’s a bit with some Taylor Swift, and… oh, you’re a big fan of Taylor, well, this is perfect for you, you just take it and enjoy it! OK, Lex, he’s busy, let’s get you out of those zipties and get the hell out of here!”

What’s one thing that you’d like to say to your favorite Schitt’s Creek character?

I’m not sure he’s my favorite, but I’d love to tell Ray that it’s so awesome how he is just absolutely his unapologetic weird self, and into all his crazy business endeavors, but also a really good friend and I love that! Oh, and Ray, I’m working on bringing your girlfriend Felicia back again, so you’ll be seeing some action soon!

#behind the keyboard #meet the authors #sc fanfic #schitt’s creek #schitts creek

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xbaepsae · 4 years

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prove it (m)

“How could he not see how this was all affecting you? Why didn’t he realize you needed him to be present in your life? But as much as you needed him to be one hundred percent here for you, a part of you would just rather have him one hundred percent gone.”

[boyfriend!jeongguk x girlfriend!reader]

genre: estranged relationship!au, smut, some angst

word count: 4.9k

rating: mature

warnings: mutual masturbation, jealousy, language

a/n: this is another reupload! i went back and reread this and, honestly, it’s not too shabby. granted, it’s not that complex, but i enjoyed writing this estranged relationship between jk and the reader. kind of want to write a follow up. let me know lol. xoxo

Long distance relationships suck.

Even for the strongest of people, separation is never easy. Ideally, everyone wants to believe that not being with the person they love all the time isn’t a big deal. However, after a while, there are different factors that cause major stress in a relationship.

There’s a lack of communication sometimes; you can’t physically see them often, so you resort to the basic text and phone call. Still, it’s not the same. Seeing someone through a phone is vastly different than physically being with them. There’s a lack of intimacy too; no holding hands, late night cuddles. Your toys and hands can only do so much, unfortunately.

Being long distance wasn’t always the case for you and Jeongguk, but it became a reality when you both decided to attend different universities.

Early in your relationship, you both avoided talks about the future. In the back of your mind, you already knew that you both had different plans for college. But you didn’t want to admit it out loud—not even to him.

A part of you was afraid about the longevity of your relationship. Most long-distance relationships, and even more so with high school relationships, don’t really make it. But you loved Jeongguk; you don’t think you’ll ever be able to love anyone else as much. As cheesy as it may sound, he’s your other half. You knew that there were others out there, but you didn’t want anyone else.

“You’ll call me every day, yeah?” you asked him the day you both graduated.

“Of course,” he caressed your arm. “Every day.”

The first semester at college, you both talked nearly every day. And you were happy; so happy that despite the distance, not much had changed. Even with your different schedules, you both still made time for each other. You both even visited each other—you went to see him during Halloween, and he surprised you before your finals.

But of course, life gets in the way.

After the first winter break, the communication between you two dwindled. And after that first summer, everything changed. Even when you both did happen to be home, you barely had the time to talk let alone hang out. You found out more about Jeongguk’s life from his Instagram account than you did directly from him. Every time you scrolled onto his page, countless pictures of him partying and hanging out with his friends filled your screen—and yet, no time to give you a quick phone call. It was frustrating.

You considered calling it quits multiple times—what is the use of being with someone if you both don’t act like a couple? It was so bad; you couldn’t even remember the last time you two were in the same room. But every time you brought up the issue, Jeongguk did some redeemable act and you forgave him instantly.

It seemed to be a never-ending cycle.

And now, even though you both were well into your third year in college, Jeongguk was still tethering you on a string. How could he not see how this was all affecting you? Why didn’t he realize you needed him to be present in your life? But as much as you needed him to be one hundred percent here for you, a part of you would just rather have him one hundred percent gone.

***

3:14 PM | Jeongguk: I’ll call you later

3:15 PM | You: for real?

You watched the text bubble pop up for a few seconds before disappearing. And when it disappears, it doesn’t pop up again. A sigh leaves your mouth as you drop your phone onto the table.

“Are you texting him?”

Looking up, you make eye contact with your friend Taehyung. “Yeah…”

“And?” Taehyung prompts you to finish your sentence.

“And…he said he’ll call me later,” you say, “but these types of texts from Jeongguk are pointless and disappointing.”

You met Taehyung your first year at college, and immediately hit it off. You helped him with his math homework, and he paid you back by listening to all of your Jeongguk drama. Sometimes you wished you could fall for Taehyung—a relationship with him was bound to be easier than the one you had right now—but he was already in a deeply committed relationship with the cute librarian assistant, Jimin.

“I mean, at least he texted you, right?” your friend attempts to make you feel better, but you feel anything but that.

“I guess.”

“Well don’t be too hard on yourself, buttercup,” Taehyung smiles, “because today is not the day to be down in the dumps!”

Half the time, you have no idea what the words that came out of his mouth even mean. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t you remember?” You have no idea. “It’s Hoseok’s birthday tonight!”

After a few moments, the gears in your head begin moving and you remember Taehyung mentioning something about it last week. You aren’t really close with Hoseok though; he’s Taehyung’s friend and a member of the soccer team, so it slipped your mind.

You have only chatted with Hoseok twice; once was at a party freshman year and you were wasted, and the second was in line for coffee at Starbucks; but you were pretty sure he had no idea who you were. “But I don’t really even know him.”

“Y/n, he doesn’t care who comes; hell, I think he invited the entire school. Besides, I already told him that you’re my plus one since Jimin can’t make it.”

Even though it was a Friday, you were not in the mood to do anything. All you wanted was to return back to your apartment and sleep until Monday rolled around. “Tae…”

“It’ll take your mind off of Jeongguk,” he says in a sing-song voice.

And he’s right—it will be a distraction from your issues in the love department. You think about it for a moment before deciding to hell with it; you’re going to allow yourself to enjoy tonight. “Okay fine, I’ll go.”

Taehyung gets up in that moment and engulfs you in a hug, which attracts the stares of many people in the room. “Thanks y/n!”

“I think you can let me go now,” you pat his back and he lets you go with an airy oh.

“Okay, well, I’ll swing by your place at around seven and then we’ll goooooo!”

You laugh at his enthusiasm and bid your friend goodbye as you both leave. You’re pretty sure Taehyung has a class, but he’s going the opposite direction…so you’re not sure what he’s doing. But you don’t think too much about it and make it back to your apartment. There, you greet your roommate, Nana.

“Hey, girl hey,” she smiles, and you’re struck once again by how pretty she is.

You and Nana have been roommates since you both started going to school here. Most people don’t end up living with their first roommate their entire stay at college, but you both got along well and there has never been a problem. Also, you two just knew too much about each other’s living habits at this point to live with other people.

“Hi,” you smile back, setting your things down before falling down onto the couch beside her.

“So, how was your day?”

Since you both are juniors and have busy schedules, it seems like you never really get to see each other. Which sucks because you honestly consider Nana to be your best friend, besides Taehyung of course.

“It’s been okay,” you begin, “I barely passed my exam in history and managed to turn in my paper for lit right before the deadline…and Jeongguk texted me.”

“Jeongguk texted you?” she only seems to pick up the last bit you said.

“Yep,” you pop the end of the word.

“How’d that go?”

You give her a look, “Horrible.”

Nana gives you a sympathetic smile, “Sorry boo that you have such a shitty boyfriend.”

“He’s not shitty…he’s just…” you try to get the words out about how loving Jeongguk really is, but your mind fails you. Maybe she’s right. “Okay, maybe he is being a little shit right now.”

“You know, I really liked Jeongguk when I first met him,” your roommate says. “But then he just stopped coming to see you.”

You sigh and burry your head into a pillow, “I know.”

“What did he even text you about?”

“He said that he’ll call or whatever—but I’m not even sure if he’s serious, or just messing with me,” you lift your head up. “Do you know that we haven’t talked since school started again?”

Nana gasps, “That was almost two months ago.”

“Exactly.”

“Y/n!” she screams your name. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m actually going crazy, Nana,” you feel defeated; what kind of relationship is this? “But maybe tonight will get this shit off my mind.”

“What are you doing tonight?” she asks.

You explain how Taehyung has basically dragged you to Hoseok’s birthday party and even though you don’t want to go that much, you need to forget about Jeongguk for one night. Nana thankfully agrees with you. She even says that you can borrow one of her dresses since you don’t, in her words, own anything nice.

“Wow are you saying I have no style?” you pretend to be hurt.

“I’m saying you don’t have clothes appropriate for nights like these,” Nana laughs and tells you to follow her to her closet.

When you walk into her room and open her closet—you let her have the bigger closet because she has more clothes than you anyway—you’re not surprised to see a variety of mini skirts and dresses. Nana definitely goes out more than you ever do and proclaims that she can never wear the same outfit twice. “What shall we put you in?”

You shrug, “I’m down to wear anything.”

But maybe you’re giving Nana too much free reign because as she begins to dig through her closet, she pulls out the most revealing dress you’ve ever seen. She tosses it you before you can blink and demands that you have to wear it.

You nearly fall over from the force of the dress, but somehow manage to catch it. Pulling it away from your body, you immediately begin to shake your head. There was no way in hell you can go out in public like this—you don’t even want to wear it in the safety of your apartment. The dress is black with a plunging back and an equally plunging front. And with its short length, it leaves nothing to the imagination. “Hell no.”

“Come on, y/n!” Nana whines, mouth dropping when you fling the dress onto the floor. “This dress will look so good on you!”

“I don’t think anyone can wear this dress,” you frown as she hands you the dress again.

Your roommate rolls her eyes, “Please—I wore this! And I got a ton of male attention that night…you will too.”

But you don’t want the attention of multiple guys, just want the attention of one. “I don’t know, Nana. I’m not one to wear this kind of stuff…”

“Just this one time! Trust me.”

And even though you’re completely out of your element, you succumb to Nana’s demands and trudge into the closet to try the dress on. You let your clothes fall onto the carpeted floor and slip the revealing dress on. Surprisingly, even though you and Nana aren’t necessarily the same size, the dress seems to fit; you just hope all your precious body parts aren’t hanging out on full display.

When you step out for your roommate to see the dress, her jaw drops, and she lets out the loudest ear piercing scream you’ve ever heard. It’s so loud, you’re positive the neighbors heard it.

“Oh my god, y/n! You look so fucking good,” she pushes you towards her full-length mirror and the air seems to leave your lungs.

“I…” you’re at a loss for words, “I…actually like it?”

Nana screams again and proceeds to hug you, but you can’t stop staring at the mirror. You hated the way the dress looked on the hanger; now, is it crazy for you to say it makes you feel like a bad bitch? It feels like you can conquer the world.

“I told you!” Nana exclaims. “God—you look so good; you can just keep the dress after this. I don’t think I could ever wear it again after you just slayed my existence.”

“Okay, you’re just being dramatic at this point.”

“But no seriously, you look amazing and fucking Jeon Jeongguk is missing out,” she says hugging you again. “Can I do your hair and makeup?”

A few hours later, the doorbell rings as you slip your shoes on. Nana runs to answer the door and you smile as Taehyung walks in. The moment his eyes land on you, he stops in his tracks and brings a hand up to his mouth. “Y/n?”

“Don’t look so shocked,” you roll your eyes.

“Who are you and what did you do with y/n?” he runs up to you, inspecting your body from head to toe. “Who knew you had this side in you?”

“You can thank me for that,” Nana slides beside you, offering a bright smile.

After a little convincing, you managed to bribe Nana in coming out tonight too. Your main argument for making her go out too is that you needed someone to last the night with. Even though you are technically Taehyung’s date, he never stays out long and you didn’t want to be left alone with Hoseok and his friends. And you promised that all the drinks were on you, which made her agree in a heartbeat.

“I’m actually blown away,” Taehyung rubs his eyes.

You feel a bit of pride flare up inside of you; if your friends were already so blown away, you can only imagine the reactions from other people.

“You guys are so nice,” you smile before Taehyung makes it known that you all have to go before the party begins.

The three of you hop into his car as he drives to the place where Hoseok’s hosting his party. It’s at a local bar just down the street from school and when you get there, you see a huge sign with the words ‘Happy Birthday Hoseok’ in bold letters. Well, that’s one way to let everyone know. As Taehyung parks, you realize just how many people are here; birthday boy must’ve really invited everyone.

Walking inside the bar, Hoseok stands front and center and immediately greets you guys.

“Taehyung!” he excitedly says, a bright smile om his face. “Glad you could make it.”

The two of them shake hands before Taehyung wishes him a happy birthday and points to you, “You know y/n and Nana, right?”

“Of course,” Hoseok turns to you and immediately takes in your appearance. You notice his eyes widen at your dress before they meet your gaze. “Glad you guys could make it.”

You redden under his heated look as he reaches a hand out and you return the favor by extending your own too. Taehyung quickly suggests that you all take a picture together before the night gets too crazy and Nana forces you beside Hoseok. You give her a wide-eyed look, but she just smiles. You offer your phone to someone nearby and they tell you four to get into position.

The phone camera flashes while you offer your biggest smile. A few more flashes go off before the phone gets passed back in your direction. You swipe through the pictures, because one is simply not sufficient, and are pleasantly pleased with yourself. You have to admit it, you look pretty good.

“Damn, y/n!” Nana brings the attention to you and everyone begins to ask to see the pictures. But before Nana can pass your phone around, Hoseok tells you that he has to attend to the rest of his guests. At that, you quickly send everyone the pictures.

“I’ll catch you later?” he asks, and you realize he’s talking to you. Heat creeps up your face as you reply with a tentative sure and watch Hoseok walk away.

The moment he’s out of sight, Taehyung and Nana turn to you simultaneously saying that he definitely likes you. And while you’re flattered by the attention, you’re not interested. So you just brush your friends off and walk deeper into the bar. You order the three of you drinks and look at the pictures again.

“I think you should post the pictures,” Nana says sipping her drink.

You raise a brow, “Why?”

“Because you look good,” she talks like it’s the most obvious thing ever.

“Isn’t it a bit scandalous?”

“No?” Taehyung’s words come out like a question. “I’m posting one of these too.”

“Yeah but it’s normal for you to post stuff like this.” You honestly aren’t one to post suggestive pictures. Your feed is rather plain and simple. Also, you don’t party much either so might just look weird, or are you thinking way too much about this?

“Maybe it will elicit a reaction from that boyfriend of yours.”

Your ears perk up at Nana’s words. “I don’t think he even checks my social media…”

She raises a brow, “Girl, all men check their girls social accounts whether they like to admit it or not. Besides, he posted up pics with his boys earlier…why can’t you?”

She has a point. As the two of you were getting ready before, you scrolled through Jeongguk’s profile and saw that he posted a picture from last night. And it was the same pictures he was always posting—him and his friends with those damn red solo cups. If Jeongguk can post pictures of him at parties, why can’t you?

And at the end of the day, they are just pictures—completely harmless. You quickly scroll through the pictures again and pick the one that you look best in. After editing the picture and adding a witty caption, you press post. As you watch the page load, your heart races. Soon, a text bubble pops up signaling that the picture has been posted and you internally scream.

“Did you do it?” Nana asks, looking over your shoulder.

All you can do is nod and shove your phone away from you. “Can we just forget I did that?”

Taehyung and Nana don’t need to be told twice before ordering a round of shots for you, which you down without a fight.

***

As the night progresses, you actually do forget that you posted the picture.

With your phone on silent and your body a little more than slightly buzzed, you let the music and atmosphere of the bar take you away. By this point, you aren’t sure what time it is or where Taehyung went. You’re betting that he already left, but you’re too absentminded to really care right now. Beside you is Nana, but she’s rather preoccupied with a guy.

You try to grab her attention, to let her know that you need to run to the bathroom, but it’s fruitless so you just leave. In the bathroom, you push open a stall and let out a cry when your phone falls and narrowly misses the toilet. Thank god. Picking up the phone, you suddenly realize how many unread messages and missed phones you actually have…and they’re all from Jeongguk. You briefly run over the messages and see that he’s been leaving message after message for you to call him.

As if the ten missed calls weren’t enough.

Quickly doing your business, you run out of the bathroom and tell Nana that you need to go back to the apartment. But instead of the both of you leaving, she tells you that she’s more than likely not coming back tonight, and you catch the look in her eyes. Before calling an Uber back, you make her promise to text you and then you’re off.

The moment you step through the threshold of your place, you call him. And surprisingly enough, he answers on the first ring.

“Y/n.” As much as you hate to admit it, you’ve missed his voice.

“Hello to you, too,” you dismiss such defeating thoughts and try to remember your anger towards him.

On the other side of the phone, he sighs, “Where are you?”

“At home,” you tell him, kicking off your heels and walking into your bedroom.

“I see…” he says. “So, you’re not out at a party? I saw the picture you posted.”

You release a deep breath. So that’s what this phone call is about.

“Did you just call to chew me out?” you fall onto your bed. “Because if that’s the case, I don’t want to hear it.”

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“Why the fuck do even you care?” you retort. “I see you partying every week too, and do I make a big deal out of it? No. You’re such a hypocrite.”

Jeongguk is quiet for a moment. He’s so quiet you almost think he’s hung up on you, but before you can say anything else, he asks, “Are you still at the party?”

You roll your eyes, “I told you I’m at home already.”

“Prove it,” he says.

You don’t even know what he’s asking for. How are you supposed to prove you were at your apartment? “What?”

“Skype me.” Oh.

“Isn’t it a little late,” you say, peering at the clock on your wall that reads a little after midnight. “Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

Even though you’re angry at Jeongguk ninety-five percent of the time, that doesn’t mean you don’t care to know what goes on in his life. You know that he has practice every Saturday morning and if he doesn’t sleep, he’ll be a cranky little baby.

“Practice is cancelled tomorrow.” It’s like he’s read your mind or something. And after much contemplating, you tell him you’ll skype him.

Grabbing your laptop from the floor, you can’t deny the anxious excitement you feel. You also can’t deny the fact that you miss Jeongguk desperately, even though he can be an asshole. It’s honestly been so long and you want nothing more than to see his face again. Logging onto your skype account, you click on his little icon and watch as the screen begins to make a call. As it loads and connects, you situate your laptop away from you.

And the moment Jeongguk appears on your screen, you feel an array of emotions. He’s in his room, you can tell from his blue pillows and the posters that line the wall behind him. A part of you wants to cry as dumb as it sounds; it just feels like you haven’t seen him in so long. Your eyes run over the softness of his features before meeting his piercing gaze.

“Hey,” you offer a half-smile.

“Hey.”

“So,” you clear your throat, “as you can see, I am at home…in my room.”

He nods, not looking away from you, “Sorry for doubting you. That picture…just really fucked me up.”

“Why?” you question, shifting your position.

“First of all, you look fucking amazing in that dress,” Jeongguk smirks and you remember that you’re still in Nana’s revealing dress, face heating up. “Second, that guy’s hand on your body was literally too much.”

You’re not sure what he’s talking about, so you look back at the picture and notice that Hoseok’s hand was wrapped rather tightly your waist. “I didn’t even realize.”

“Sure.”

“No, I’m serious,” you look back at Jeongguk. “I barely know the guy. It was his birthday tonight and Taehyung invited me.”

“And you still let him put his hands all over you?” he asks.

Why is he getting so angry about the picture? It was just a photo. Never in all the years you two have been together has he ever been like this. Is he jealous? You haven’t thought to pin him as the jealous type, but perhaps it’s finally showing.

“Are you jealous?” you narrow your eyes as his own widen.

“Of course not,” he brushes you off. “I just don’t like it when guys put their hands all over other people’s girlfriends.”

He’s totally jealous and your heart begins to warm at his words. “I’m your girlfriend?”

You’re teasing him and he doesn’t seem to catch on. “Are you not?”

“I don’t know,” you shrug. “Doesn’t really seem like it sometimes. I mean, you never call me. Aren’t people supposed to call their girlfriends? And I just feel neglected, you know? Like you’re living a completely different life from me—like we’re not even dating.”

“I’m sorry,” he immediately says, wetting his bottom lip. “I just—I’ve gotten caught up with life lately. I mean it when I say I’m going to call, because I really want to, but it doesn’t always happen.”

You’re a bit shocked at his apologetic confession because you were not expecting it. Jeongguk is not usually the one in your relationship to cave in first; you’re usually the one who comes running to him. Maybe he does still care about you in the same way he did all those years ago.

“You’re sorry?” you ask. “Prove it.”

His eyebrows raise at your repeated phrase. “What?”

“If you’re so sorry…show me.”

Where these words are coming from, you literally have no idea. While you cave in first, Jeongguk is way more forward about his intentions. It’s like your roles have switched and you strangely love it. His eyes stare into yours with so much intensity, it almost feels like he’s right here with you and not just on your laptop screen.

You wait for him to say something—do something; the anticipation of his actions have you squirming on your bed.

“Take off the dress,” he suddenly says, voice much lower than before.

Your insides clench as you raise your body to kneel on the bed and unzip the dress, letting it fall into a pile around your knees. Jeongguk lets out a deep breath as he takes in your smooth skin, body only covered by your flimsy underwear.

“I couldn’t wear a bra with the dress,” you smile at his reaction.

“Fuck, y/n,” he swears. “Take off the underwear and sit back on the bed. I want to see you.”

You oblige and fling your last item of clothing onto the floor. You’re about to do as Jeongguk wishes and lay back, but you stop. “I want to see you, too.”

His eyes darken as he pushes his laptop forward to reveal more of himself and peels the white t-shirt off his body. Your eyes drink in the muscles that adorns his body—god, it’s been so long since you’ve seen him like this. You’ve missed this all terribly. After chucking his skirt to the side, he pushes the waistband of his sweats down and reveals his already hard cock.

“Commando?” you smile, body heating up with desire. As you say this, he begins to slowly stroke himself and you swear that nothing hotter has ever graced your eyes.

“Lay back for me baby,” he whispers, and you follow his instructions, leaning back onto your headboard so you can still see him. “Touch that pretty pussy of yours for me.”

And you begin touching yourself, hands rubbing your sensitive clit. The first touch already has you moaning Jeongguk’s name. Fuck; you wish he was here with you right now. You wish it was him whose hands were touching you instead of your own. So you imagine his hands on your body instead and your eyes nearly roll to the back of your head.

“It feels so good,” you moan, watching your boyfriend as he moves his hand up and down his hard shaft. You can see the bit of pre-cum that has already leaked out of his head and you want nothing more than to lick it off. “Jeongguk…”

“You’re so hot,” he forces through clenched teeth. “Stick a finger inside baby. I want to see you fuck yourself.”

You do—you stick one and then another, pretending Jeongguk is actually entering you instead of your fingers. You start with a steady rhythm, slowly moving in and out before going a little faster. Jeongguk begins to match his pace with you and you feel yourself getting close. Your hips begin to buck up into your hands and your palm rubs against your sweet spot.

Sweat begins to bead along your forehead and you use your other hand to rub little circles into your clit again. “I’m so close.”

Jeongguk groans at the image he’s seeing, you desperate for relief. “Cum for me baby; I need you to cum, okay?”

And you can’t help it, you cry as your orgasm hits. It sends waves of pleasure throughout your body, causing your legs to shake. The entire time you ride the high, you’re saying Jeongguk’s name and it isn’t long before his own orgasm arrives. You watch as his face contorts, brows furrowed together and mouth slightly parted, and his load shoots onto his abdomen.

His dark hair is drenched in sweat, and chest rises and falls with each heavy breath. Jeongguk brushes his hair back and grabs his discarded t-shirt to wipe himself. You sit back up on the bed after you catch your own breath and brush your hair to the side.

“Thanks for that,” you tell him, and he laughs.

“Thank you, too,” Jeongguk smiles. “I needed that.”

“Same,” your eyes bore into his and silence passes between the two of you. You know this moment doesn’t change much; there is still a lot of work that needs to be done in your relationship. However, what you do know is that Jeongguk still cares and that give you hope. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you more.”

#armiesnet #btsbookclub #bangtan bookclub #bts fic #jungkook fic #jeongguk fic #kpop fic #bts smut #kpop smut #bts #bangtan #jungkook #jeongguk #smut #angst #prove it #xbaepsae

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residentlesbrarian · 3 years

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The Fourth Book I Read In the Dark: Of Expectations and Other Relatabilities

Of Gryphons and Other Monsters by Shannon McGee

Hey, guys, sooooo...this is aaaawwwkward. I wrote 95% of this review when I wrote the other Books I Read in the Dark series for the blog, but the ADHD hit me and COVID was still you know...a thing! So I am gonna post this review, finished of course, OH, but also pay extra close attention to the conclusion alright! Hmm...this is a bit like a time capsule...here are my concentrated thoughts from 6 months ago while I was slightly delirious on books and darkness. So go forth and uh yeah this one is...you can just feel the feral “I haven’t had access to proper internet so I’ve been curled in the corner like Gollum with my books” energy coming off it so...enjoy?

Okay, so yeah, I really didn’t have a reason to end my last review that way I just wanted to, so sue me for injecting a little excitement into a series of posts about me literally sitting in my house reading nonstop for 2 ½ days, my reviews my rules. Back to manufacturing my own excitement shall we!

It’s Day 2! I’ve just finished my last library book, whatever will I do! I could always reread The Neverending Story for the 1,273rd time, but I have a need. A need for GAY! I rack my brain, there has to be a solution. My town is without power, my local library won’t be open, but then it hits me. It’s so simple! It’s meant to be really! Like the universe knew this was coming and it made sure I was prepared! Like a prepper stockpiling mental SPAM for my stimulus needing ADHD riddled brain! I have an entire shelf of books that I haven’t read yet! Way back in Clexacon 2019 my best friend (Lookin at you @justalifelongphase) gave me way too much money from missed birthdays and Christmases all at once before the con started because the world has deemed it impossible for us to live geographically close to one another. Anyway, I went a little book-buying-crazy and have not had the time or opportunity to read any of them since then. Their time has finally come!

I figured after going full whimsy with The Lost Coast and sci-fi superhero with Dreadnought and Sovereign why not take a dip into more traditional fantasy, also this one was first in line on the shelf, yay for not having to actually make a decision! No more dawdling, let's get right into the review!

Unicorn Rating:

Blurb: Taryn always loves and hates gryphon season. She finds the lesser gryphons more cute than anything but the ever present fear that a greater gryphon might be just out of sight is terrifying, and this gryphon season proves to be the one that will change her and her families lives forever! Just let a girl herd her sheep in peace!

Disclaimer: I will try my best to not spoil anything from the book, but my book loving rambles may give more away than a traditional review. Here we go! Ramble time!

Review:

I genuinely enjoyed this book. It took me a bit longer to get through it than the others, but I think that was a combination of three things: A. I was starting to feel the fatigue of reading so much in such a short amount of time. B. Our local Wal Mart had power restored on Day 3 and our entire household went on a trip to buy non-perishable food stuffs and I was like a solitary confinement prisoner being let out into the yard for the first time in months when my phone picked up a wifi signal and it was a bit hard to get back into the swing of reading after talking to other humans, even virtually, that weren’t imaginary or in my head. C. Our power was finally restored on the afternoon of Day 3 so yet again I was inundated with the draw of technology and all of my friend-os I hadn’t talked to, but the book had drawn me in enough I did the most unmillienial thing and left my phone in a different room to charge while I finished this book before going back to the land of technology and interwebs. That should tell you something.

McGee was able to write this story in a way that pulls you in so you care about what happens to these characters and this little mountain town. You learn just enough about the world to understand where they fit within the overall weave of it, but you aren’t given a Tolkein-esc dissertation on the world lore. I felt the worries and the fears. I was concerned when the routines had to change. I mean she made me care about the freaking sheep! Sheep, people! One of the reasons I think this works so well is we are so firmly rooted in the head of our protagonist, Taryn. Imma use that lovely bridge I just built to skip right on over the plot section of the review to get to the characters first, don’t worry we’ll circle back round to the plot. I always do, but I just wanna talk about my newest set of brain babies.

Taryn is a character that, if the title of this post is anything to go by, I found very very relatable. Now I know relatability can be pretty subjective, some people can latch onto something with the all consuming, “It me!” While others just stare on dead eyed not understanding the appeal. I feel like Taryn could be that kind of protagonist. You are either going to really relate to her or you won’t understand where she is coming from at all. I obviously fall in the former category. I was the quintessential middle child, still am really, though my relationship with my parents has shifted now that I’m an adult. More mutual respect and friendship than parent to child. I always did my best to pick up the slack, if ever there was any, and just tried my best to be as little of a burden as possible to my parents. I see so much of that aspect of myself in Taryn and how she sees her place at the farm and even in the town, she has her place and her role, but those expectations are heavy. One of those expectations being that she will inevitably get married and help take over the farm from her parents and have kids to continue the line. The fact she finds the lesser gryphons that flock near the farm far cuter than any of the local boys that she will eventually have to choose from to fulfill that inevitable expectation is just...sad at best and down right tragic at worst. And her family doesn’t help matters either. They won’t let her forget that she will have to settle down with one of these local boys, a boy who would make a good husband and take good care of her and the farm. She knows that, logically, but she also wants to be in love, like her parents, and she just doesn’t feel like that for any of the boys in town. She doesn’t know how to make those two things line up. It’s a struggle between her head, the obligation of what she has to do, and her heart, what she really wants for her future, to be happy in doing what she has to do. Wow, I went off a little bit there, but this was my long winded way of saying I have never read a protagonist that really captured the utter confusion of being raised in a heteronormative environment without it being drenched in internalized homophobia and fear. Protagonists like this seem to always know something is off but just don’t have the words for it so they just hide it because they know it’s “different” and out of the norm, but Taryn is just livin’ her sheep herding life and ain’t got no time for these boy crazy fools. She knows her mom wants her to find a good boy to court her so she can marry someday but she’s still young. She’ll think about that tomorrow, and she just repeats that ad infinitum. The thought that maybe she doesn’t fancy any of the boys because well...girls...never even occurred to her. It's not how things are done in this small mountain town, not because of homophobia reasons, but just stubborn tradition reasons. We are even told there is a gay couple living in town who are staples in the overall dynamics in town, instrumental even, but the idea of having a lineage, being able to pass your land down is so ingrained no wonder poor Taryn was so in the dark about her own probable gayness till it slapped her in the face. As someone who was raised in a medium sized Oklahoma town...girl I feel you. I was 22 and in the middle of Appalacia, way up in the mountains for college when my gay awakening popped up and said “Hello!” Everything that never quite made sense in my life came into perfect clarity. Not quite what happened with Taryn, but the arrival of Aella surely helped, as pretty girls are want to do. Oh look a segue, good, cause I could talk about Taryn for literal hours and I’ve already gabbed about her too much for this review.

Aella, you smooth motherfucker. Like I wish I could possess a quarter of the smoothness that you do. Like I’m lucky to string sentences together around a pretty girl, but here you are just strutting about being the smoothest of smooth. Honestly, I just...I can’t with you Aella. On a serious note though Aella is a character that served as showing Taryn a glimpse at the world beyond her small mountain town, as much as she had no desire to leave, unlike her brother. Nope, sit down, we’ll get to you, Michael! Oh, we’ll get to you. She’s traveled and has stories from all over and she is fairly open about the fact that she only likes girls, but she doesn’t have land, responsibilities, and a family line to continue. She just gets to live her life the way she choses. And y’all know I am a sap for the hard dark characters that are totally softies underneath that rough exterior. I think Aella was a great foil to Taryn and great at showing her what she could have if she was willing to leave, to stretch what she was allowed to wish for, but of course the biggest issue with her wishing for anything was...Michael.

Michael was such an interesting character. I loved him. I hated him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to punch him. Again as with the town and the people of the town I was so deep seated in Taryn’s head and feelings that her conflicted feelings about Michael and how he was acting became my feelings on the matter. Not enough to not separate a tad and see what was coming or at least try to predict it as I always do when reading, but emotionally I was right with Taryn the whole way. The one thing that really pushed Michael from just a character I was conflicted about to one I really wanna give a swift kick in the nads to, is that he knew. He knew all about Taryn’s absolute lack of romantic inclinations toward any of the boys in town and her doubts that she would ever find someone to love and marry to take over the farm. He was the only person she confided these fears in and he still selfishly followed his own pursuits with little regard to her or her worries. You sir, are a terrible brother and overall a shit human, so sit your ass down and shut your mouth.

The plot for this book was so embroiled with the characters and their journeys that I can’t talk on it much but the twists at the end and the final climax was very satisfying for me and left me excited to dig into the next book. Also something of note that I didn’t talk about in the character section cause I felt it was dragging on a touch, I really only talked in depth on our three biggest players but there is a very colorful cast of side characters ranging from Taryn’s nervous pony to the boy-who-cried-gryphon neighbor no one can stand to the troupe of hunters led by Aella’s mother to Taryn’s best friend Nia, all of whom play important parts in building that sense of caring about the people of this town and the town itself, which in turn made me deeply care about the outcome of the plot at the heart of the story. And the sheep! The god damn sheep!

One thing I do want to say before my final thoughts is that whoever designed the cover of this book in a genius because as I dug into the story I found myself constantly closing it to spout off about theories of what I thought was happening on the cover and what it all meant, I was kind of reader fatigue delirious for most of those theories but some of them I was right! I might have reenacted the Captain Holt “Vindication” gif IRL just because it felt too good not to. I just love when a “cool” cover turns out to be so much more than that once you’re “in the know”. So yeah, now y’all know to pay attention for that.

My final thoughts on this book are pretty positive. I can tell the author is building us toward so much more, hence the name of the series, Taryn’s Journey, and it feels like it. This is only the beginning and I honestly can’t wait to take the next steps with her.

Queer Wrap-up:

Hey it’s me from the future...present...whatever...so, this is when I stopped writing the review six months ago and there is a reason for that. I, kind of, agonized over what to rate this book on the scale. Multiple times having to call my brother and go back and forth just to then repeat the same arguments with myself as soon as I got off the phone. Now why was this such a hard terrible no good awful back and forth well...SPOILER WARNING...seriously anything past this point will be spoiling some character beats for the majority of the book...okay? We understand one another. DANGER ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE...or you know scroll on.

So, Taryn is never confirmed to be queer in the text of this book. Now you would have to be wearing the tightest hetero goggles in known history not to see the heavy HEAVY subtext saying THIS BITCH GAY! It’s basically a full grown elephant painted sparkly rainbow trying to hide behind a dead shrub aka not hiding at all. I so desperately wanted to give this book four of those darling unicorns but in this rare case I just don’t think I can justify it. We have a protagonist that is still figuring herself out, which is amazing that we get to see that and go on the journey with her. Some of the things Taryn does and thinks are queer coded as hell, especially if it involves Aella who is explicitly gay on the page, but Taryn herself never express whether she herself is queer. Which, fair, other really important and traumatizing things were going on and I love that about her as a character, she didn’t meet Aella and suddenly that was all she could think about. Aella, of course, is representation who I’m counting because even though she shows obvious interest (you smooth motherfucker) in Taryn she is so much more than just a love interest and her character isn’t just boiled down to her sexuality. Now in this wrap up I’m also including the doctor and his husband in the town. They are very minor characters but they give us interesting insights into the town and the people. They are accepted and treated well in town even if some do almost, pity isn’t the right word, but they seem sad that they won’t be able to have any kind of legacy or lineage. As I said in the review it’s not homophobia it’s being stuck in your ways and it’s an interesting take.

Links:

Shannon McGee Website

The Storygraph

Okay so this one is a bit of a mess. Pieces of it were written 6 months apart and most of it was written while I was kind of delirious but hey at least I can say it’s honest. I still stand by everything my past self wrote and I still really enjoy thinking and talking about this book and am excited for whenever I get around to reading the sequel to continue on Tayrn’s journey with her. This is a book I probably would never have known even existed without ClexaCon and trolling through artist alley for literally every table that had books on them. I guess, moral of the day is maybe you won’t just find great books on library shelves but on unassuming convention tables too and it never hurts to look. Trust me, I’m a lesbrarian.

Oh bet you thought this post was over. I did the sign off and everything but oh no no! I have some info and such to impart. I am WELL AWARE these reviews have been fairly inconsistent to down right sporadic. Well, this is just a little info dump letting you guys know I am gonna be putting up one more review after this one that I wrote ages ago and I mean AGES (think years, as in multiple) and just never got around to posting and then the old blog is probably gonna be going through a PLANNED dormancy while some pretty big stuff is coming down the pike. You may notice visual changes and other stuff before anything else is announced but just keep an eye out. To quote the Fates from Hercules, “It’s gonna be big!”

Okay now for the actual sign off, I got shit to do! No one look behind the curtain, it’s a surprise!

#Of Gryphons and Other Monsters #Shannon McGee #resident lesbrarian #3 unicorns #questioning girl #lesbian #heavy wlw romantic subtext #ya novel #ya fantasy #go to your local library #but wear a mask #and wash your hands #and stay 6 feet apart #be safe out there guys gals and nonbinary pals

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virtueangel · 3 years

Text

limitless.

chapter seventeen.

wc: 2,176. original publish date: november 9, 2020.

"Jack!" Van Gogh yells.

JFK rolls over in bed, rubbing his eyes. "Hm?"

"Come here and look at this!"

John sits up, pulling his red and white sweater over his head before standing and crossing over to the bay window.

"What are we looking at?"

Vincent points. "Look, we can see the sun!"

JFK smiles. "It's rather pretty, isn't it?"

The smaller boy turns around to face his boyfriend, an eager grin plastered across his face. "It's such a nice day. We have to do something."

"We do something every day."

"Is that a problem?"

JFK grins now. "No."

Van Gogh reaches up to kiss the taller boy on the cheek. "Let's go on a road trip."

"Darling, we are on a road trip."

"Well, I've already got a destination picked out for us. But I think it's a couple hours away."

Kennedy raises an eyebrow. "I thought we weren't using our phones to pick locations."

"Well, it isn't specific..." Van Gogh shrugs. "It's just... logical?"

JFK takes a minute to think this over. "Did you use your phone to find it?"

Vincent shakes his head. "No. I don't know how that would be useful, considering I don't even know which state we're in."

"I think we're in Utah."

Van Gogh scrunches up his nose. "We are not!"

JFK laughs. "No, we're not. We drove in the opposite direction."

"I thought we weren't looking at GPS," Vincent replies, but he's wearing a playful smile.

"No, I just know basic geography."

"Touché."

***

"So, what is the secret destination, exactly?" JFK asks, spreading some cream cheese onto his bagel.

"It's a secret."

"But I have to drive us there."

"I can drive," Van Gogh offers casually, looking down into his glass of orange juice.

JFK quirks an eyebrow. "Vincent, you don't know how to drive."

Gogh shrugs. "You could teach me."

"My car is a stick shift. Most people learn to drive automatic first."

Vincent swallows his orange juice and wipes his lip with his napkin. "I'm not most people."

Kennedy laughs nervously. "Minivan," he stops, waiting for Vincent's objection to the name. It doesn't come. "Of course you're not most people. But do you really think I could teach you how to drive? I mean, you remember the accident I got into from driving over a rock earlier this year, right?"

Vincent sips his orange juice. "Okay, but you're careful now. You hate getting scratches on your car."

"Darling," JFK waits for Van Gogh to pick his head up. He opens his mouth to add onto the sentence, but thinks better of it. He changes his thought at the last second. "Someday, okay? I'll drive today. I can't teach you to drive in a day and you can't get a license in a day, either, but I'll teach you. I promise."

Vinnie sighs. "Okay."

Kennedy flashes his model grin again. "Okay, perfect. Now, will this trip require packing?"

"It's only for the day, JFK," Van Gogh responds, smiling at the boy's enthusiasm. "But I guess there are a few things you need... Did you pack a swimsuit?"

JFK's jaw falls slack. "Vinnie, it's April."

"April isn't winter in every part of the world."

"But it isn't summer in any part of America."

Vincent gestures to the window over the kitchen sink. "If we can see the sun in Marshtown, you can bet your ass the skies will be cloudless everywhere else."

Kennedy laughs at the boy's subtle swearing. "Yeah, okay, I'm down. But you know you actually have to tell me where we're going since I'm driving, right?"

Van Gogh finishes off his orange juice and holds up a finger excitedly. "I'll be back in a second," he says before pushing his chair out from the table and running up the stairs. JFK leans back in his seat, giggling and shaking his head. How can a boy like Vincent exist? Someone so smart and talented, who also likes to have fun? Granted, Kennedy has never seen Van Gogh smile with anyone besides himself, but John is glad to play along with his "secret destination."

Vincent comes back into the kitchen two minutes later, holding a pad of Post-Its and a pen. He slides into his chair, one leg tucked beneath him and the other planting its foot on the floor. The boy begins to scribble something, but even his scribbling comes out in elegant loopy cursive. After thirty seconds or so, he peels the Post-It off from the rest of the pad and sticks it to JFK's forehead.

John reaches up to detach the Post-It from his skin. He reads the handwriting scrawled in the middle, perfectly centred across the hideously bright green paper. "What's this?"

"That's where we're going. I didn't want to say it out loud because that ruins the surprise, but you still have to know. So boom. A perfect middle."

Kennedy laughs. "I don't think this is a perfect middle, but I'll give you points for trying."

"Gotta get my approach grade up," Vincent replies.

JFK gazes at his boyfriend, his face soft. He smiles affectionately, and Van Gogh searches for a telling look in his eyes. He looks like he wants to say something, but no words come out of his mouth. Vincent smiles back.

"Well," he says. "If we want to get there at a reasonable hour and still get home before too late, we should go soon."

"I'll wash the dishes," JFK offers, but Van Gogh slaps his hand away when he tries to pick up the plates.

"No, silly! You made breakfast. Give and take, okay?"

John nods and retreats his hands. "Give and take," he agrees.

Van Gogh clears the table, humming to himself the whole time. JFK is gone from the kitchen, making the bed upstairs. When he's done, he walks over to the bay window and slides it open to step out onto the balcony. He holds the railing, gazing out over Marshtown and marvelling at what little sun manages to break through the heavy fog. Today is one in a million.

Kennedy's thoughts are interrupted when he hears footsteps behind him. He turns around. Van Gogh is crossing the bedroom and stepping through the bay window to join his boyfriend.

"Ready to go?" He asks the taller boy.

JFK can't help but smile when he makes eye contact with Vincent. His brown eyes seem deeper today, fuller with... something. A secret, but the kind he wants to share with John, so they can have something just for the two of them.

Kennedy reaches out for the boy's hand and gives it a squeeze. "Yeah," he says. "I'm ready."

The boys walk through the house and out to the car side by side, never dropping hands until they have to split to climb into their separate sides of the vehicle.

"Are we allowed to use a map?" JFK asks after they're out of Marshtown.

Van Gogh thinks for a minute. "Well, I guess that's not a cell phone..."

"Just because I need to know which highway to take."

Vincent nods, opening the glove compartment to get the map that the girl way back in Blackbox had given them. "Yeah... Looks like we keep following the one we took to get here."

JFK activates his turn signal. "Rad."

"Can we listen to the radio?" Van Gogh asks after a while.

Kennedy glances at the boy. "Really? I thought you liked radio silence."

Vincent shrugs. "Maybe there'll be something good on."

John smiles. "All right. I think that would be okay."

Van Gogh flips through some channels, not satisfied with anything playing until he finds a song that he knows is by Queen. He hums along, knowing some of the lyrics, but not the title of the song. JFK hums along too, and for those five minutes, they are the only two people in the whole world.

"Can I ask you something?" JFK asks once the song is over.

"You may."

Kennedy hesitates, phrasing the question. "You've been old enough to drive for a while now, so how come you never learned before?"

Van Gogh scoffs. "You really think my parents would've taught me?"

Jack shrugs. "You could've asked me."

Vinnie shakes his head. "No, there's a reason I never tried to before."

The question lingers in the air, the silence charging it until the electric shock burns into JFK.

"Are you going to tell me?"

Vincent takes a deep breath, pondering. He'd never said it out loud before. He'd only ever written it down in journals. He has a rule when he writes about himself: he doesn't start on the first pages of the journal, because then anyone could flip the cover and learn his deepest secrets. He always opens to the middle of the book, a random page that nine times out of ten would go unnoticed. Sometimes it trips him up when he chooses another random page and the entry is so long that it bleeds into another one, but that's okay. He never rereads his journals. He doesn't need to be disturbed by thoughts that are already in his head.

This is the first time he'll ever speak one of those thoughts out loud.

"I can't drive a car because I'm afraid -- no, it's more than a fear, it's just knowing -- that I'll go right off the edge of a cliff and you'll never see me, or the car, again."

JFK goes silent. "I know a lot of people get into accidents, but cars are made to be safe. The only reason why crashes are so popularised is because no one talks about the safe drivers. That's not a story. 'Oh, look at this population of people who follow all the driving laws and never get themselves into dangerous situations!' That's not newsworthy. Accidents are something to report. Everything else is... mundane."

Van Gogh blinks, thinking. "That actually makes a lot of sense," he says.

Kennedy smiles. "Yeah, it does." After a second, he asks, "But what changed your mind?"

"Hm?"

"Why is driving suddenly okay now?"

Vincent shakes his head, laughing at himself. "It's stupid."

"Tell me," JFK smiles assuringly. "You can trust me."

Van Gogh blushes. "I feel bad that you're always the one... doing stuff. You're the one who cooks, the one who drives..."

"But you're the one who remembers to lock the house and put away the clean dishes."

Vincent giggles. "Our house doesn't lock, Jack."

JFK grins. "I know it doesn't. But you always go back to check. I hear you walking down the stairs at night, right after we've turned off the light to go to sleep. You go back through the house and make sure all the lights are off and the door is locked."

Van Gogh looks away, suddenly embarrassed. He pretends to be fascinated by the plastic bags and styrofoam take-out containers strewn about the highway shoulder. "You know that I do that?"

"Vinnie, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's good practise."

"Yes, but it isn't normal practise."

JFK has no verbal response to that. Instead, he extends an arm and cups his hand around Vincent's shoulder. He rubs back and forth comfortingly, and Van Gogh reaches across his body to rest his hand on top of the boy's. He suddenly feels at ease, unashamed of the way he needs to go back through the house and make sure everything is the way it's supposed to be before he can fall asleep. He takes a deep breath and settles into his seat. This is exactly where he's supposed to be.

But then he remembers something.

He sits up and turns abruptly, throwing JFK's arm off of his shoulder.

"You okay, Minivan?"

Vincent glares. "One, don't call me that. Two, have you seen my sketchbook anywhere?"

Kennedy scrunches up his face and shakes his head. "No, I don't think so... You can't find it?"

Van Gogh frowns. "No. It's so funny. Everything else is sprawled out on the vanity -- my coloured pencils, my watercolours, the books I brought to read on this trip... but I can't find my sketchbook anywhere! I was drawing in it one day and now I have no idea where it is!"

JFK twists up his lips in thought. "That's so weird... maybe you put it down somewhere?"

"I was on the balcony. I don't remember anything after that."

"Hmm..."

Gogh sits back in his seat, plunging his fists into the pocket of his letterman jacket. "Keep an eye out for it though, okay? I was working on a drawing in there."

Kennedy grins at the boy's reflection in the rearview mirror. "Of course you were."

Van Gogh looks down at the map on his lap, changing subjects but not forgetting his sketchbook. "Ugh, still one hundred fifty more miles?"

"God, why'd you pick a location so far away?" JFK fake-whines.

Vincent shakes his head, but he's wearing a smile. "Because we have to tour the whole damn world."

John flashes his blindingly white grin. "I'm in."

#clone high #clone high jfk #clone high van gogh #jfgogh #limitless.

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illegal-spiegel · 4 years

Text

Firsts with Hikaru Hitachiin Headcanons

Pairing: Hikaru Hitachiin x reader Genre: Fluff, angst Warnings: Light making out A/N: I just finished OHSHC for the second time and I just couldn't help myself. this is already kinda long but I highkey wanna write more but idk if people will read this. Let me know if I should write a part 2 :) also omg this has been sitting in my drafts for a hot second cause I had to reread all of this it’s 5,830 words give or take to edit any mistakes and I’m like 78% sure I still messed up but it’s fine. anyway, enjoy! Just realized I haven’t posted in like a year sorry bout that

First meeting:

y’all met through, you guessed it, The Host Club

it wasn’t your idea to go

but

Haruhi, poor, sweet, innocent Haruhi, was about to lose her marbles

she practically got onto her knees to beg you to keep her company

and what kind of friend would you be if you declined?

(you mainly just went because she bribed you with free tea and desserts)

when you showed up to Music Room #3, it was all that you were expecting and not at all what you were expecting at the same time

you eventually spotted Haruhi through all the people and eventually made your way over to her

the look on her face was almost comical

she bid her guests she was entertaining farewell and they left with watery eyes

you covered your mouth to hide your giggles as you took a seat on the soft couch across from her

“Thank god you showed up,” she groaned as she slumped back into her seat

you let your giggles out freely, studying her tired form

“Awe, is Haruhi tired of flirting?” you teased

she only grunted in response, closing her eyes and letting out a content sigh

you hummed in return, picking up a cookie that was on the table and starting to munch on it

you two had a few minutes of silent peace before it was rudely interrupted

“Oh, Haruhi!” you hear two voices shout from behind you in unison

you swear you saw an irk mark appear on her forehead

you raise your brow and go to turn around to see who was causing her so much trouble just by saying two words when two people were suddenly leaning over the back of the couch you were sitting on

you looked to your left and saw a boy your and Haruhi’s age

you turned to the right and had to do a double-take when you saw the same face

these must be the infamous twins, you thought as you studied them

“What?” Haruhi groaned with dead eyes

you could see the smirks come onto the two boys’ faces

“What are you doing slacking off-” the one on the right started off

“-when you have a guest?” the left one finished you raised a brow at them as you pursed your lips

“She could ask you two the same thing? Why aren’t you tending to your guests?” you defended

the twins’ eyes widened as they turned to look at you, both silently studying you for a moment

“We got bored-”

“-so we came to see what Haruhi was doing.”

your brows furrowed as you look to the one on your left

“You just left your guests?”

Haruhi was the one to respond

“Kaoru probably ran out of fake tears,” she said with a smirk

the twins’ attention went back to her, the one on the right’s eyes widening

“Fake tears? My tears are real!” he defended

you took a mental note that the one on your right was Kaoru. Haruhi may have told you about them before but you were terrible with names

Haruhi only grunted in response before closing her eyes again

you saw their mouths open, ready to bother her some more

so, being the good friend you are, you quickly said something before they could

“Just leave her alone, okay? How about you entertain me?” you offered

from what Haruhi has told you, the twins liked to mess around with people. Whether it is playing pranks and tricks or just annoying them

so, you figured they’d happily take you up on the offer to ‘entertain’ you

as soon as you finished your sentence, a smirk was curling up on their lips

“Entertain you?”

“Why, we’d be honored!”

they ended up trying to actually do so at first, using their little brotherly love act

you quickly shut that down

once they realized you knew all their secrets, including Haruhi being a girl, there was a sudden shift in the way they acted towards you

they were more open suddenly

First hug:

it wasn’t long until you became close to everyone in The Host Club

especially a certain auburn male

along with Haruhi, of course

you two grew closer by you becoming friends with her other friends

everyone, especially Kaoru, knew something was up

you both just acted friendly, a little too friendly at times, but friendly nonetheless

you ended up leaving for a week to go on vacation with your family

you, of course, kept in touch with everyone

mostly through the group chat that someone probably Tamaki made

you sent pictures of everything you thought would be cool enough to show them

everyone was enthusiastic for the most part that you were having fun and spending time with your family

except for you know who

he acted perfectly happy in the group chat but a lot of times sometimes he’d message you privately

you didn’t know why but his texting tone sounded off

he’d talk like he would in the group chat but it just sounded off

you never pointed this out but you could tell something wasn’t right

you soon enough came back and were excited to see all of your friends again

you decided to surprise them when you came back

you came back on Friday instead of Sunday just to see them earlier

you had quickly dropped off your stuff at home before racing to Ouran Academy

The Host Club hours were coming to a close so it was perfect timing

you stood out the door and took a couple deep breaths, trying to get some air into your desperate lungs from all the running you just did

the door opened and you heard Tamaki saying goodbye to the two girls who were leaving

you slipped in through the open door, wanting to surprise attack them

you saw them all lounging around one of the couches

of course, Takashi, or Mori as he allows you to call him, with his spidey like senses, knew you were there right off the bat

you brought a finger to your lips to show him to be quiet, which shouldn’t be a problem for the usually quiet male. A small smile came to his lips as he watched you creep closer

you tiptoed towards the others, most of their backs being to you

Kyoya was the next to see you, a sly smile came to his face but he remained quiet

the twins and Haruhi were sitting with their backs to you on the couch, Honey was sitting his back to you in a chair at a table with Mori eating some cake, and Tamaki was standing in front of Kyoya ranting on about whatever it was he was ranting about, his back also being to you

you smirked as you crept up to the couch, raising your hands above you

Haruhi wasn’t an easy one to scare but surely you shouting out of nowhere should get to her

“Haruhi!” you screamed while slamming your hands down gently onto her shoulders

a yelp shot out of her mouth as she jumped

the other boys, besides Kyoya and Mori, also jumped and turned to look at you

once Haruhi’s brain caught up with what was going on, she let out a small gasp as she turned around on the couch to face you, going up on her knees to do so

“You're back!” she called happily as her arms wrapped around the back of your neck to hug you

you chuckled as you happily returned the hug

as you two hugged, the other boys got up and swarmed around you

you pulled away with a bright smile, seeing Haruhi’s was even brighter than yours

before anyone could do anything, someone wrapped their arms around your waist and pulled your back to their chest

your eyes widened at the sudden hug, trying to turn to see who was being so affectionate

you blushed when you saw auburn hair resting on your shoulder, feeling his breath fan across your neck

you looked up to see Kaoru staring at you two with a smirk, his arms crossed over his chest

you smirked back at him, one hand resting on one of Hikaru’s arms while the other goes to gently comb through his hair

“My, my. I didn’t know you liked me this much to miss me this badly, Kaoru,” you teasingly joked

Hikaru let out a huff as he squeezed you closer to him, his face pressing into you neck

“Oh, whatever,” he grumbled against your skin

goosebumps raised on your skin from feeling his lips on your neck

“Who would’ve thought you were so affectionate,” your teasing continued as you turned around in his arms to look at him

he picked his head up long enough to let you turn around and to study your face for a moment before his face went right back into your neck

you giggled and wrapped your arms back around him, weaving your fingers into his hair with a smile brighter than the sun

you both tried to ignore how fast your hearts were racing at being so close to one another

“I want to hug Y/n-chan too!” Honey suddenly shouted

you laughed a bit at Honey’s whining, feeling Hikaru’s grip tighten even more

it took a while to get the clingy boy off of you

First time holding hands:

it was the weekend and you were currently at Haruhi’s house just hanging out

it was around noon when she said that she’d make you two lunch

you accepted the offer gratefully, going back to reading your book

your brows furrowed when there was a knock on the door

you bookmarked your book and went to set it down when you heard it

“Haruhi! Are you home?” Tamaki’s exuberant voice shouted loud enough for you both to hear

she perked up and deadpanned at the same time somehow

you chuckled as you went back to your reading, letting her get the door since she was already there by it

she opened it and started talking to Tamaki

you then heard many other voices

of course. Who would they be if they didn’t travel like a pack? you thought as you smiled

six pairs of feet made their way inside, all chatting amongst each other

“Y/n! I didn’t know you were here!” you heard Hikaru shout joyfully before making his way over to you and sitting down beside you

“But, Hikaru, isn’t that the reas-”

“Kaoru! Why don’t you come sit by me!” Hikaru shouted, quickly cutting his twin off

Kaoru snickered as he walked over to his twin, taking a seat by him

“Actually, if you’re all going to eat, I need to go to the store,” Haruhi said as she gave the boys a slight glare

you smiled as you closed the book you were reading, setting it on the table as you stood up

“I’ll come with, Haruhi,” you said with a smile as you walked over to her

Hikaru instantly popped up from the ground as he followed after you

“Me too! I want to see the commoner market!”

Haruhi doesn’t even try to argue as the other boys chimed in saying they wanted to go

you only chuckled as you slid your shoes on and walked out to wait for the others

of course, Hikaru was right on your tail

you leaned against the railing as you took in the scenery, smiling when you saw some kids playing with a ball

unknowingly to you, Hikaru was appreciating every second of that smile

once everyone was out, you walked up front with Haruhi to lead the way

you both chatted the whole way there, debating on what you both should make

as you guys shopped, some of you would wander off but eventually, y’all would group back up together

at one point, y’all were passing by some books for sale and you just couldn’t help yourself

you steered away from everyone and ended up looking at a few

you looked up from the book you were currently checking out when you felt someone’s eyes on you

you smiled when you saw Hikaru holding a book

when he realized he was caught, he quickly snapped his gaze back to the book he was holding

you giggled as you sat the book you were holding down, casually strolling over to him with a smirk

“I didn’t take you much as a reader,” you teased

the pink hue in his cheeks worsened, his eyes stared down at the back of the book unmoving

“What are you talking about? I love to read!” he argued

you chuckled as you plucked the book from his hand to look down at it

“I didn’t think you were into mermaids,” you teased as you held the cover of the book up for him to see

the book’s cover had a mermaid on it, upon with the title that clearly states it’s about mermaids

his blush went scarlet and you can’t help but laugh at how cute he was being him

he tried to stutter out an explanation but he seemed to not be able to find any reason as to why he’d be holding that book that wouldn’t worsen the situation

you sat the book down and grabbed his hand, still laughing

you then lead him back to the others, his hand clutching onto yours a bit

you two stayed in the back of the group, not bringing any attention to yourselves as you just followed after them quietly

you two never stopped holding hands until you left the market

First kiss:

by now, everyone and their distant cousins knew that you two had a thing for each other

even the girls that would come to The Host Club knew and even encouraged it

so, yeah

y’all would flirt and all that good jazz

but

Hikaru is an oblivious fool

he knew he felt differently with you then he did with others but he couldn’t put his finger on why

that was until Hikaru was walking to the library to meet you to study when he sees it

you were against the wall and a guy was talking to you, too close to be friendly

Hikaru debated what he should do

does he charge in headfirst and shoo the guy away?

but what if you two are friends or something?

that thought vanishes when he sees you glare at the guy, a scowl on your face

this was a ‘shoot first and ask questions later’ kind of situation

Hikaru did what he initially thought he should do

he gently (not really) shoved the guy to the side, smiling down at you

“Babe! There you are! I was starting to wonder where you were!” Hikaru said as he pulled you into a hug

your eyes widened at his sudden appearance, gawking at him a bit

you both heard the guy that was talking to you scoff, his arms going over his chest

“‘Babe’? Yeah, right. Y/n doesn’t have a boyfriend, so piss off,” the guy said lowly to Hikaru

Hikaru loosened his grip on you a bit to turn and look at the guy, raising a brow at him

you held your breath as you watched the two of them

you know how bad Hikaru’s temper can get

what if he fights him?

what if he gets expelled?

all sorts of worries and questions filled your head

Hikaru smirked at him and gave a light chuckle, turning to look at you again

he stared into your eyes for a long, silent moment

your brain paused all thought when you met his eyes

your proximity made your heart race and brain start working again, filling with ideas ideas you probably shouldn’t be having

it seemed that Hikaru was sharing one of your ideas since his lips were suddenly on yours

you weren’t surprised that your first kiss with him wasn’t romantic or cliché

it sounds just like him to get jealous and to kiss you like there’s no tomorrow

you two just kept on kissing too

not bothering to pull away from each other’s hold

the guy eventually scoffed and marched off

that didn’t stop you and Hikaru though

you both kissed until your lungs were begging for air

you pulled away from each other and pant, staring into each other’s eyes

Hikaru then smirked and you just closed your eyes, breathlessly giggling

you were just waiting for him to say something smart or dirty

First Date:

once you both realized that you two were going to have to be official after that kiss, you decided to go on a date

Hikaru was a blushing mess while he was asking you to go out with him on a date

he’d barely look at you

you, obviously, agreed

he ended up taking you pretty much everywhere

he used his wealth to help make it the best date ever

you honestly felt bad since he was paying for everything

you tried to tell him to stop

but did he listen?

he was making it out as if it was his life mission to spoil you

you both shopped at the mall, went bowling, played laser tag, got food, and ended the night by seeing a movie which most of it was spent making out

you have no idea how you found time to do all of this stuff in one day

but it was magical

as close to perfect as it could get

he held your hand whenever he could, even while you were bowling and playing laser tag

it was kind of funny to see the playful trickster be so soft and caring towards someone

don’t get me wrong, he was definitely still his playful, trickster self

he’d tease you any chance he’d get and if he ever took anything a little to far, he’d be sure to put a smile right back onto your face

like when you both were playing laser tag

you ended up chasing after him, even though there’s no running allowed, and ended up falling

he was by your side in a second

literally

he apologized repeatedly even though it wasn’t even his fault

eventually, to make you feel better, he grabbed your hand holding the gun, pointed it to his chest, shot himself a couple times, before dramatically collapsing to the ground

a smile instantly came to your face

when he takes you back home, you both are reluctant to leave the other

you end up just hanging out in the back of his limo, talking about anything and everything for hours

the only reason you two parted is thanks to your parents who started to question where you were with worried texts

you texted them back and reassured them you were alive and that you were even outside the house

they were still breathing down your neck about getting inside, so you reassured them that you’d only be a little while longer

you put your phone away and focused back onto Hikaru

Hikaru was already staring at you when you turn your attention back to him

the moonlight shined down on him through the car window, making him look ethereal

he really is the epiphany of perfection, you thought

you ended up kissing some more, not being able to keep your lips off of each other

you kissed until your phone started vibrating repeatedly

you already knew it was your parents freaking out over your well being

you told Hikaru goodnight and to text you when he gets home

you force yourself to only kiss him for a few seconds, knowing if it was any longer, you wouldn’t want to leave

when he texted you he was home, he ended up calling you to talk to you

you stayed on the phone together until you both fell asleep

First “I love you.”:

the way it happened was so cute and precious and just SIMPLE

it was also kinda cliche but that’s completely fine

you both were having a movie night at his house (seeing as how they had one of those projector things in a big room so it was basically like one big, empty movie theater)

you both made a huge blanket and pillow fort

you were the one to bring snacks since his mom doesn’t like him eating junk (”tO KeEp HiS fIgUrE”)

you’ve never seen someone eat so much food in one sitting

you’re pretty sure he almost cried when you made hot chocolate

the movies themselves ranged from cheesy romances to heart-stopping horrors

all the movies were good options

the scary ones gave you two an excuse to cuddle

the funny ones had you both ugly laughing

you know, the laugh that few get to witness and when they do, it’ll never leave their memory and they’ll taunt you for it for the rest of your life

yeah, the ugly ugly one

for some reason, when you both would calm down, Hikaru would stare at you like you were the most precious jewel he’d ever seen

now

the romances

your reactions varied

for the ones you’ve never seen, you actually paid attention

and mostly blushed at the scandy scenes

but for the ones you have seen before

you guys were the ones making the scandy scenes

at one point, it started getting a little too steamy between you two

once you pulled away for air, you realized you were on his lap, his hands on your waist and thighs, your hands up his shirt, resting on his abdomen

your heart was trying to force it’s way up your throat to come up to show him just how fast it was beating

“I love you,” he whispered in a breathless tone

you’re surprised that your heart didn’t come out right there and then

his face got darker than it already was, his eyes wide as he stared at you breathlessly

he then started stumbling over his own words trying to explain himself

“Sorry! It slipped out! You don’t have to say it back!”

he then went on a tangent

you tried to let him get it out of his system but eventually, he started to feel self conscious and wanted to take it back

you, like anyone else in that situation, connected your lips again

you ran your hands over his chest soothingly, bringing your hands to his hair to run your fingers through it

“I love you too,” you reassured

First time getting jealous (as a couple):

you were standing in the hallway with your books lightly clenched to your chest

a red-faced boy was in front of you, staring at the ground

your brows were furrowed as you studied him, your mind seeming to short circuit at that moment

Hikaru hid behind the corner to listen in on what was going on

“Please consider it, Y/n! I’ve liked you for so long! Please allow me to take you on a date!”

you frowned a bit as you stared down at him, biting your lip

you didn’t know this guy

you were pretty sure this was one of those moments where the person just admires the other person but doesn’t actually know anything about them

before you could even reply though, Hikaru came swooping in out of nowhere

“Hey, man. Hate to be the one to break this to you but,” he wraps his arm around your shoulder, “she’s taken,” he finished

he didn’t sound remorseful at all to be the one to break the news to him

the red-faced boy stared at him with wide eyes before quickly nodding his head and taking off down the hallway

you watch him go, gaping a bit as you try to process what happened

you then turned to Hikaru with a smirk, feeling his other arm wrap around you as well

“What?” he asks when he saw the look you were giving him

your smirk turned into a smile, beaming brighter than the sun

“You were jealous!” you teased, poking his nose

his nose wrinkled in response to your touch

“What? Was not,” he argued, dropping his arms to his sides before starting to walk away from you

you chuckled as you chased after him, walking alongside him once you caught up to him

“Don’t lie! It’s cute!” you teased further

his cheeks dust pink but he said no more, simply just taking your hand in his as you walked alongside one another

“I love you,” you cooed

his face grew darker in color, turning his head away from you

“I love you more,” he replied

anytime you two have a ‘fight’ or anything of the sort, you always tell the other “I love you” and when the other replies with the same words, it shows that everything is okay

it’s like a reset button, in a way

first fight:

you came to the host club after school just like any other day

members of said club were just lounging around until it was time to open up the doors to guests

your eyes roamed the room, looking for a certain favorite boy of yours

your eyes finally spotted him

you only saw the back of his head but you knew it was him from the shoes he was wearing

for your six month anniversary, you decided to buy these new shoes that he had been ranting about

you didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just buy them for himself (something about his mom being mad that he bought clothes from someone who isn’t her?)

so, you bought them yourself and gave them to him

he felt guilty for having you buy him such an expensive thing when he had the money to buy it himself

so he ended up spoiling you for a whole week (and I mean spoiling since he usually spoils you anyway against your commands to stop)

he was planning on spoiling you for a month but you finally told him you’d feel so guilty if he just wastes his money on you

it took some convincing but he eventually agreed

anyways

you quickly headed over to him, wrapping your arms around him

“Hey, baby,” you greeted as he spun around, quickly pressing your lips to his

your lips had touched for less than two seconds before Hikaru was ripped away from you

Kaoru was suddenly punching him in the face, sending Hikaru spiraling to the ground

“Kaoru!” you screamed, watching him mount Hikaru and start to repeatedly hit him

Mori and Tamaki ran over and pulled them apart, pulling them several feet away from each other

you instantly ran to Hikaru, accessing his injuries

“Ka-” you began to shout at Kaoru before realizing something

Kaoru stared at you, face red with anger, jaw clenched tightly, a vein popping out of his forehead

it dawned on you then that Kaoru was actually Hikaru

which meant...

you turned to look at Kaoru who Tamaki was holding up, wiping away blood that came from his mouth and nose

you all stayed deadly silent, everyone else in the club turned to look at what the commotion was all about

you stared at Hikaru, feeling his gaze burning on your lips

he then turned to Kaoru, his clenched fists starting to shake

“I don’t understand...” he started off quietly

Kaoru stared at the ground as he waited

“You...we share everything. We share the same house, the same last name, the same classroom, the same club, the same friends, and even the same face. Y/n is the only thing I’m not willing to share with you,” he spat out at his brother, his tone straight venom

“Hikaru,” you began before deciding against it as he looked at you

“And you...” he started

his face suddenly morphed into despair, his eyes watering quickly

he pulled away from Mori and slowly walked towards you as he spoke

“You...” he trails off, “I don’t...” trails off once more, “why would you do this? How could you do this? You know how I...” more trailing off, “you are—were mine. No one else’s,” he spoke softly

your own eyes started to water as you shook your head, your chest feeling heavy

“No, Hikaru. You don’t understand. I thought it was y—”

“Don’t lie to me!” he shouted, cutting you off which caused you to jump

you’ve never heard him scream before

well, you’ve heard him shout while laughing, or scream whenever you two would be outside and seeing who could scream the loudest, and innocent times like that

but you’ve never heard him angrily shout like he is now

he turned his back to you as tears started to fall, quickly wiping at his face

“We’ve all known you for,” his words get caught in his throat, “for too long for you to not know the difference. You,” his voice shakes, “you’ve never been wrong about that before. So,” a small whimper escaped him, “so, don’t lie.”

the last word came out as a croak

you shook your head, trying not to sob in front of him as you gently grabbed his shoulders

“I love you,” you whispered

before you could say or do anything else, he ripped himself away from your grip and took off

he didn’t say it back

that’s how you knew it was serious

well, I mean, obviously it was serious but this time...

you didn’t know if you could fix it...

it was an honest mistake

really

it was

you felt so terribly guilty

you didn’t really ever think this was going to happen

how could you make such a careless mistake?

he’s opened up to you before about how insecure he is about the whole twin situation

and here you were kissing his brother

putting the cherry on top

first time making up:

it’s been at least two weeks since the whole kissing incident

you’ve tried to stop by his house but he refused to see you

you’ve tried going to his class but he was either never there or he had someone escort you away

you’ve tried going to the host club but he was either, once again, not there or he was too busy to talk to you

not like he would anyway

you mostly steered clear of Kaoru, feeling beyond guilty for bringing him into your fight

the one time you did try to talk to him, he remained quiet and couldn’t look at you

the other host members still talked to you, just not as much

they knew something wasn’t right, even if they did see with their own eyes what you had done

it didn’t make sense for you to openly kiss Kaoru in front of Hikaru

they let you explain yourself and they were very understanding

they wanted to help you somehow but you didn’t want them to get involved

you didn’t need Hikaru hating them too and ending up with no one

nearing week three, you had had enough

ten minutes before school got out, you went outside

you found the Hitachiin limo and knocked on the driver’s door

he recognized you from how much you and Hikaru used to hangout

he asked where you’ve been, which you gave a vague response to, before asking him for a favor

Hikaru walked out to the limo, loosening his tie and undoing the first button

he got inside the limo, shutting the door with a heavy sigh

the limo started to move and this was when your plan kicked into action

the driver starts to roll down the window that seperated the back and the front, Hikaru becoming confused

he frowned when he saw you in the front, gasping when you started to climb through the window

“No! Stop! Get out! Stop the car!” Hikaru shouted

the driver didn’t listen and you continued to climb through

Hikaru attempted to open the door but it was locked, automatically locking every time he tried to unlock it (thank god for his overprotective mom who was afraid he’d accidentally open the door and fly out into the road or whatever)

he growled and looked up at you, watching you situate yourself across from him

the driver rolled up the window once he saw you were through, giving you two the privacy you’ve been wishing for

Hikaru crossed his arms over his chest and looked out the window, planning to not give you the time of day

you frowned as you studied him, leaning forward

you took a deep breath, prepared to recite the speech you’ve been practicing for weeks now

“Hikaru, listen,” you start softly

he didn’t respond in any way; he didn’t even blink

you sighed a bit before taking another deep breath

“Hikaru, I love you more than words can describe. It was a honest to god mistake what happened. I saw him wearing the shoes I got you and just assumed it was you.”

you trailed off after that, waiting for him to reply

he didn’t reply

nor did he say it back

“Think about it. It doesn’t make sense for me to kiss him. If I was cheating on you, wouldn’t I try to be sneaky and for you not to find out?” you continued, trying to use logic on him to get him to understand

at this, he turned to look at you finally

he had tears in his eyes once more

“Hikaru, please. I don’t know what I can do to prove to you that it was a mistake. I would never do anything to harm you in any way, you should know that.”

Hikaru wiped at his face as he started to cry, shaking his head

“I'm not sure what to believe,” he replied in a whisper

you sighed and nodded your head as your own eyes started to water

you gently grabbed his hand, seeing him flinch a bit at your touch

you then brought the hand to your chest, right above your racing heart

“Believe in this. This bloody organ in my chest that solely beats for you,” you whispered, hoping he could understand you through all of your crying

he, once again, didn’t reply

“I don’t know what I can do to prove to you tha-”

you were surprised when his lips suddenly crashed against yours

you returned the kiss immediately, feeling all of the emotions you both have felt during this rough patch

anger, frustration, disappointment, confusion, betrayal, guilt, sorrow, remorse, acceptance, forgiveness

love

“I love you. Please, accept my apology. I miss you. It hurts me to know I’ve caused you pain,” you cried softly, holding onto him for dear life in fear that this was just a dream and you’d end up waking up to find that he still hated you

“Shh, it’s okay. I love you more. I’ll love you ‘till the day I die. Just, please, never do anything like that again.”

you laughed breathily and nodded your head, connecting your lips once more

he pulled away after a while of kissing to mumble, “I’m going to kill Kaoru for stealing my favorite shoes.”

⊱ ────── {⋅. ♪ .⋅} ────── ⊰

MASTERLIST

More with Hikaru

⊱ ────── {⋅. ♪ .⋅} ────── ⊰

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rewolfaekilerom · 3 years

Text

why reread books?

//NOTE: This was originally posted to Wordpress on 04.24.2021//

I didn’t write last week. Whoops. I could come up with an excuse, but I don’t need to. I spent 7 years in grad school, and some 17 years before that in regular school; this blog is my way of reconditioning myself to love writing for the sake of writing and not to write out of some obligation or feeling that I’m not doing enough.

I work 40 hours a week, and most of that’s with writing in some way, shape, or form. I’m doing plenty.

So, today’s post.

I started reading P. D. James’s Death Comes to Pemberley today. (I promise I’ll write about the Sookie Stackhouse series. I finished it last week and have so many thoughts, but I’m not quite ready to share them.)

The first few pages of Death Comes to Pemberley (this is about as far as I’ve made it) are a clever retelling of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, because that’s what James’s book is based on. I read Austen’s novel ages ago–probably as a teenage and probably next to a pool. I think I was made to get a PhD because one of the challenges I set myself one summer as a teenager was to read all of Austen’s novels. I think I got through most of them, but I don’t really remember. I was a bit of an oddball and a nerd. My dad and I would go to the public library every weekend, and I went through a phase where I’d take out a stack of poetry books just . . . to read in study hall. Like I said, weird kid. I thank my parents for indulging my love of books, even if it meant that I was an overgrown child in grad school for too many years and filled their lives with sympathy stress.

Anyway. I think I mentioned in my previous post that I like to reread books. What I mean by this is a few different things, actually–or, rather, this rereading can come in a few different forms.

I, of course, mean it in the straightforward sense. I’ve reread Rebecca many times, and I’ve reread Barbara Michaels’s oeuvre many, many more times than I’d ever be willing to admit.

But by “I like to reread books,” I also mean “I like to reread books–sometimes immediately after I’ve finished them.”

I’m definitely not proud of this, but I reread both the After series by Anna Todd–you know, the One Direction fanfic that’s actually a really gross (in every sense of that word) depiction of a tremendously abusive and toxic relationship–and the To All the Boys… series by Jenny Han immediately after I finished them. Ironically, I wouldn’t have ever picked either series up if it weren’t for a podcast I started with two friends that will likely never see the light of day. In any case, Han’s series is genuinely good; I relate to Lara Jean’s character in the sense that she’s quite similar to how I was as a teenager; there’s a comfort there that’s coupled with a forced humility–I like laughing at myself, even when someone else is also laughing at me. And Todd’s series is . . . trash, which is probably what makes it compelling. It’s not a series you read to feel good about yourself or other people; it’s a literary car wreck, something you want to look away from because it’s terrible and you know it’s bad for you, but you also feel some inexplicable compulsion to stare it directly in the eyes and engage.

For all my bravado, I’m usually pretty good at picking my battles and not engaging, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t help but engage (and reengage) with the After series. Maybe I’ll delve into that in another blog post, though I’m thinking that’ll have to be something akin to a therapist visit, and it’ll most certainly be something I’ll have to work through repeatedly.

The most straightforward reason I can give for why someone might immediately reread a book is that they feel like they devoured it too quickly the first time so they need to go back and pay closer attention. I’ve done this with a few mystery books–Tana French’s The Witch Elm, for instance–because I’ve finished the book feeling a bit like I didn’t read closely enough and so missed out on some of the author’s brilliance. I immediately begin rereading in hopes of really appreciating what the author has to say and how they’ve said it.

I might also immediately reread a book because I feel like the ending came too soon–like I maybe didn’t get to spend enough time with the characters or in their world, like maybe I’m not ready to leave that fictional universe or to let go of that story. I think this is fairly relatable. I’ve read heaps of tumblr posts and heard from many friends that sometimes finishing a book is a sad experience because, as with any ending, there’s a certain degree of mourning that has to happen for the thing that has been lost. In the case of finishing a book, you might feel compelled to mourn the loss of a particular experience, world, space, or set of characters. Those things still exist on the pages of the book–hey, we write about literature using the present tense because those things continue to exist even after we’re finished with them–and they also exist in our minds. But the thing about finishing a book is that, though the memory of that reading experience stays with us, the experience of being guided through that fictional world ends. The author is, of course, our guide through their fictional world; when we finish a book, we lose that guide. Depending on how we feel about the author’s voice–or, perhaps more appropriately, the narrator–we may feel a greater or lesser sense of loss.

I don’t really Elizabeth Bowen’s or Alix Harrow’s writing styles (these are honestly the first two authors who came to mind; I know they’re very different–so, see, I’m well read!), so I don’t feel a great sense of loss when I leave their fictional worlds, however compelling they might be. But I do tend to like the types of narrators Emily St. John Mandel, Octavia Butler, or (the Janus-faced–multi-faced?) Carolyn Keene offer readers (again, it’s like I’m trying to pick completely unsuitable pairs, but I swear I’m not), so I feel a sense of loss when I’m forced to separate from those narrators because I’ve finished experiencing their physical manifestations–the bound collection of pages on which they live their finite lives.

Someone might argue that those narrators can live on in the reader’s mind just as the fictional world they inhabit gets taken up and finds new life in the reader’s imagination. I like that argument, but I think it overlooks the simple fact that the narrator’s voice isn’t all that matters here. That narrator is a puppet, and the author is the master puppeteer who directs what the narrator does, says, and conveys–that is, how the narrator guides us, the readers, through the story. So, again, when we finish a book, we lose our guide through–sometimes even our friend in–the fictional world.

To wax poetic for a second, when we finish a book, we get to move forward in time while the narrator is stuck back in time. There’s something so sad about leaving someone behind, and it’s especially sad when we have to leave someone in a not-so-pleasant world–even if it’s fictional. It’s the reason a story like Peter Pan is so sad–Peter is a nasty little tyrant, but we (or maybe just I) can’t help but feel bad for him because he’s left behind while everyone he loves and who loves him grows up, because that’s the natural course of action. As one of my grad school peers once pointed out, Barrie’s narrator begins the book by marking Peter as exceptional–as the exception–because he’s the only child who doesn’t grow up.

So, to get back to my point, when we reread a book, we’re trying to recapture and reunite with that guide, that friend, who we’ve had to leave behind because of the simple fact that we outlived them. After all, our lives continue to go on after theirs have ended. The operative word in that first sentence, though, is “try.” There’s a saying about how you can only experience something for the first time once, and I think that’s very true for reading a book. You can only be fully immersed in a narrator’s present moment and fully subject to the will of a narrator one time, and that’s the first time you go through their story with them. In every subsequent journey, you have the advantage (or disadvantage?) of knowing exactly where the story will take you, and so a bit of the mystery–or helplessness, or naiveté, or whatever–is gone.

That said, though, I’m not sure I’d go so far as to argue that you can only experience the story “as it’s truly designed to be experienced” one time–that first time. I’m sure this perspective has something to do with some deep-rooted prejudice I have against attributing meaning or intention to an author. I don’t want to probe that prejudice too much at the moment because I suspect it’s coupled with layers of anxieties that are all somehow connected to four years of graduate coursework spent feeling a bit like the dumbest person in the room.

I’ve read a lot of books (#humblebrag), so, naturally, I’ve read books in a lot of different environments, for a lot of different reasons, and in a lot of different states of mind. I like to think of myself as generally a pretty “good” reader–that is, in the sense that I’m able to appreciate stories for what they are and to suspend my disbelief, sometimes while a very distracting “real world” goes on around me. Again, that’s probably partially because of my training. I’ve read in silent libraries, backseats of cars and on crowded buses, at pools, in bed, in fields, at busy airports, in cabs, at bars and coffee shops, at house parties–and those are just physical places. I’ve also read in diverse situations, including while immensely happy, having just had a fight, while crying, because it’s assigned reading, while heartbroken, while trying to also keep a conversation going, during class, because this book reminds me of something else, while anxious, when very tired, during the middle of an argument, out of curiosity, while waiting, and the list goes on. The sheer volume of reading one has to complete (or at least try to complete) to keep up with a grad-level literature course means that one has to be okay with reading whenever and wherever. I’ve literally carried a book with me on a date and to the grocery story “just in case” I had some extra time.

To get closer to my point, this is all a very long way of saying that there are so many circumstances that can affect our reading experience that it’s impractical for an author or a reader to think that there’s only one way to read a story. Take a relatively broad circumstantial reading category like “beach reading.” There are so many different beach scenarios that an author–even one who’s willing to settle for a very broad interpretation of “beach reading” like “reading near a large body of water with some level of distractions but in a generally relaxed mood”–can’t attempt to predict. I’d honestly be surprised to hear that an author aiming to write “beach reading” would even try to get more specific than that. After all, we don’t really have categories like “tropical beach vacation with friends reading” or “rocky Maine beach on a solo vacation reading.” I doubt an author would attempt to get that specific because, after all, writing is a career and those who do it need to create a product that will be marketable to enough people to make it worthwhile and to secure a living. And for an author who isn’t writing professionally, it hardly seems worth it to even attempt to take the time to try to predict the circumstances that might surround their audience’s experiences with the finished story. There are simply too many variables, so the goal must be, to some degree, at least, to write a story that conveys something to someone in whatever circumstance they happen to be in at the moment they’re reading. That’s a monumental task. An author might, then, have an “ideal” reader in an “ideal” scenario or state of mind or whatever, but they can’t ever write to that “ideal” alone–and that’s even if they’re writing for themselves, since they don’t know what frame of mind they’ll be in when they experience the story again (unless, of course, they don’t intend to experience the story again, in which case nothing matters except the present, which is pretty interesting in itself but not what I’m talking about right now).

But something I’d also like to note is the simple fact that sometimes stories are better–more interesting, more effective, more whatever–the second time we read them. I’ve read books with perfect focus–in a quiet library, for instance–and not found them all that compelling; I’ve also gone back to those books later–once I’m in a slightly different place (mentally, physically, emotionally, without the pressure of reading for class, whatever)–and genuinely enjoyed them. I’ll readily admit that sometimes I’m just a better reader, and sometimes I’m a better reader of a particular type of book than I might be otherwise. As humans, we’re perpetually in flux. Books are more or less stationary objects that don’t really change. We’re what changes, so we might be in a better position to appreciate a book at one point in our lives than at another point.

So, I might reread a book to recapture that first reading experience. But I might also reread a book to have a different reading experience, to meet the narrator when I’m a slightly different person. My goal might be to relearn or refresh myself of the lessons I learned through reading that particular story, but it might also be to gauge how I’ve changed. Each time I reread a story, I have a different reading experience: I notice different things; I feel different feelings; I appreciate different characters or appreciate the same characters differently; I take away different ideas about my current world based on not only how my current world compares to the fictional world but also how my current world compares to the current (now past) world I lived in the previous time(s) I experienced the fictional world.

Oy, that was a lot. And I could complicate this all further by delving deeper into why we read at all–why we sign on to read a story, what we how to get out of the reading experience, and what reading actually does for us. But I already wrote a dissertation, so I’m not going to do that again. Also, we all read for different reasons and we each read different types of stories for different reasons, so there are so many variables that it’s hardly worth it to explore that topic in a really broad sense. Maybe a narrower sense would be more productive, but I’ve already written enough for today.

What I want to say is that I’m definitely not alone in rereading stories. There are ample reasons to reread stories, the most straightforward of which being that it can just be enjoyable to do.

And to think that this post grew out of the idle thought that I’d like to reread Pride and Prejudice. And I’m still only three pages into Death Comes to Pemberley! Well, okay, onward.

xoxo, you know.

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alwaysmychoices · 3 years

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This is the embarrassingly long rant on my favourite passages attached with a few questions.

A Weekend with Dr. Ramsey

Unspoken

Tonight, under the soft moonlight glow, Ethan didn’t look like the confident doctor she’d met in Edenbrook. Concern etched itself into his handsome features, and a lingering air of defeat and disappointment followed him like a cruel haunting.

For me, this passage is a trigger. Ethan definitely cares for Charlie and he would bulldoze the town looking for her when she’s drunk and alone in a bar. But he would refuse to act on his feelings when she’s sober. But the realisation that Raf or Bryce might think differently strikes him and sets into motion a series of incidents that culminate in the chapter "Blind Date". How strategic was Naveen's plan to bring up Bryce?

Goodbye

This was the last time he would have Charlotte Greene in his bed. He wouldn’t wake up again to her wild, blonde curls in his face...

...

“Stay the night,” he whispered. He couldn’t let her go now…

I love him.

The realization hit Charlie with enough force to knock her down. And then the tears came, and the desperation was complete.

Charlie Greene loved Ethan Ramsey, and she had already lost him.

...

She wouldn’t… he tried to calm himself as he moved back to the bedroom. She must have gotten dressed and gotten coffee or something. Surely, she would be back. She wouldn’t have gone without a goodbye, and this couldn’t end with a midnight dash out of his apartment. It was too meaningful. It deserved a proper send-off, a proper discussion.

But Ethan didn’t have to look for an answer for long.

...

He never left Charlie because she left him first.

To be very honest, this chapter did things to me that I was not prepared for. I had to take a break before I came back, reread it and wondered if I could accept it. It hurt me, it reminded me of incidents that I didn’t even know I still carried in my heart. The fact that Charlie, and not Ethan left first, jolted me into the realisation that unlike PB’s conclusion, you just don’t go back to being an attending and an intern after that. But now I believe, that was necessary. They had to grow as people. How difficult was the decision to make her leave on your part (especially when the canon provided an easier alternative)?

With and Without

Blind Date

Once his eyes landed on her, he couldn’t tear them away. He’d seen Charlie at varying states, some more vulnerable or confident than others. He knew her worst and best. She was never more beautiful than she was peacefully asleep on his bed, but surely, this came close.

But she wasn’t made up for him.

Could I assume that this chapter is the fulcrum on which the series rests? I think it is the culmination of the reactions elicited for the first time in Ethan in “Unspoken”. Further, the story could have gone very differently at two points- firstly, when Ethan decided to join Baz and secondly, when Charlie decided to leave her date to take care of Ethan. Their choices, especially Charlie’s in the end, established that they were too far gone to return at this point.

Ethan shook his head, “She doesn’t want to be around me. I hurt her. I meant to hurt her. I want her to find better than me.” His voice wavered, thick with emotion.

“She misses you, too,” Charlie professed breathlessly, suddenly aware of every missing piece she’d been looking for with David.

She missed Ethan. She’d missed Ethan from the moment she lost him in the spring.

I cannot even begin to explain how beautifully sad this was!

Hangover Cure

Charlie was lounging comfortably on the couch, Jenner draped across her lap as she scrolled through menus on her smartphone. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a haphazard bun in stark contrast to the sleek, sophisticated dress that hugged her frame. Ethan realized, with a deep sigh of relief, that he was the one who got to see her like this, not the one who had touched her knee at the bar last night.

...

They neared the end of the season when Charlie’s eyes grew heavy, and Ethan watched her squirm out of the corner of his eye as she tried to stay awake. When Jenner joined them on the couch and cuddled into Charlie, any hope of evading a nap was lost.

I love domestic scenes of Ethan and MC. But what you did here is exceptional. I think you have turned Ethan’s apartment into this sanctuary, where they can be everything they want to. Primal, elemental, unbridled and honest.

“You’ve been wearing that dress since 8 pm last night. You deserve a change of clothes, Charlie,” Ethan was as he sat on the edge of the couch, massaging his temple as if giving little thought to the act.

...

Maybe that’s what made the gesture so startling.

...

It was ridiculous that she was so moved. She’d left David in the cold last night just to make sure Ethan was alright, and after dragging him home, she’d stayed with him as he stumbled and vomited. She’d waited all night, in fact. In contrast, he offered her a pair of sweatpants.

But there was a sense of familiarity and intimacy that she hadn’t expected.

She’d only worn his clothes after having sex with him. Now, she got to wear them just because he was worried about her comfort.

I know you ease into angst right after that. That isn't fluff in its conventional sense. And you maintain that you generally don't write fluff. But those lines just warmed my heart in ways I cannot explain. How do you do this?

“I’m sorry you had to leave your date to take care of me,” Ethan may have hated that she was having a good time with someone else, but he did regret ruining it. He didn’t dare tell her why he’d been so reckless at the pub, but deep down, he suspected that she knew that it was his jealousy.

...

“I didn’t have to,” Charlie chuckled softly, much to Ethan’s surprise...

...

“I went because…” Charlie stopped herself before she could say something regrettable. He noted the abrupt stop and waited with bated breath before she explained, “I came to get you because I care about you, and I was worried. I wasn’t running from a bad date or forced to see you. I decided to go.”

I know from experience it’s the absolute opposite of easy to be in a relationship without label. This scene is them treading that path, without even knowing that they are already doing it. “They didn’t need to explain what they were doing or why they were there. They just let it happen.”

After Hours

I (literally) love every sentence in this chapter.

There was a profound, blissful moment of clarity where Charlie suddenly understood that this had been inevitable. This kiss – as surprising as it felt – had been coming on from the moment she picked him over David. It had been written in stone the second she made the decision to stay with him, and their bumbling attempts at friendship had been merely a stepping stone.

One more reason I felt “Blind Date” is the fulcrum of this entire series. I would love to know if you think differently. Do you think David had any remote chance for even a couple of dates?

“The ethical and professional dilemmas are not lost on me, but I want you more than I want to be right. We can’t be open about it with the people around us, but I want a relationship with you, Charlie.”

Finally we have the manifestation of the growth that has been taking place. A few months ago, he would have been apologetic, if not already buying his ticket to a different continent. It has been difficult, it has been messy, and yet he is finally there, which is what matters.

His thumbprints marked her body and mind, and his constant presence in her mind morphed him into a fantastical beast – elusive and distant. She manipulated the image in her mind, painting him as a hero and a villain, but just before she could be convinced of either, the mirage slipped away to her barebone memories of tender smiles as he pulled her close and apologetic eyes as he distanced himself.

This was “chef’s kiss”. It was like something out of an Anna Karenina or a Wuthering Heights. Would love to hear your thoughts on this passage.

Further, the scenes in the hospital, where Charlie constantly avoided Ethan, unfold before me as unending passages and hallways, almost like the long takes in some of my favourite movies. It added to the indecision in Charlie’s mind and the endless interlude in Ethan’s.

Ethan stood in a state of shock, all of the hopeful warmth replaced with the bone-chilling absence of it. He failed to comprehend the devastation he felt, running just as she did back into his head.

I knew it wasn’t the end. And I also knew it shattered my heart into a million pieces, just as when Charlie has left in “Goodbye”. However, completely understand Charlie’s fears and vacillation.

Crying in the Rain

Loving Ethan was inescapable.

She’d fallen in love with him a million little times over hundreds of days, and despite her best attempts, she was always just a little more in love with him. He was an unreal figure in her world, so shrouded in her own folklore of him that every peak of him being a real, vulnerable human being only endeared him more to her.

...

The starry-eyed, ambitious student reading his textbooks couldn’t have imagined that, with every small choice she made in his favor, she would tie herself irrevocably to her hero.

This is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. It has the tone of an old world romance where the knight must inevitably have his heart broken by that ideal woman. Here we have a reversal in the trope.

“You are a risk. I’m terrified of getting hurt. When we ended last time, I was devastated. I cried for days and spent weeks trying to feel okay again, and that was after just one weekend,” Charlie’s words tumbled out of her mouth, rushed and eager. She felt like she needed to tell him everything, like unburdening herself and her insecurities was the only way forward, “I went on a date with someone and spent the rest of my night taking care of you just because I would rather be with a sick, drunk you than anyone else. I keep telling myself to stay away from you, but I always end up at your front door.”

...

“When I actually almost lost you, I was so devastated that I wasn’t afraid anymore,” Charlie confessed, “I understand if you changed your mind,” she added with a crack in her voice because, really, she didn’t understand.

I don’t think I have to even explain the inclusion of this in my list of favourite passages. As this scene unfolded, I was tense, euphoric, I was Ethan and Charlie at the same time.

I really appreciate this chapter and the one before for how you have held your readers’ attention throughout. I gobbled them up first and then came back to savour them. And yet, never for once did I find them dreary. I think these were your best in this series.

And I have one last question. Who do you relate with the most (Charlie or Ethan) when you speak of their fears and dilemmas? I mean, is it even possible to choose one?

No, no, no – it is absolutely not embarrassing. If anything, my excitement for getting this was embarrassing.

I’m going to be honest. You actually picked up narrative elements I hadn’t really paid attention to in the aggregate, so I had to think about them and really appreciate the work as a whole (which I rarely do when I’m writing chapter by chapter). I ended up rereading some chapters to refamiliarize myself and put myself back in that headspace, and that was super fun.

So, for your first question about “Unspoken,” Naveen certainly didn’t anticipate inadvertently starting an on-and-off again love affair, but he absolutely intended to rile Ethan up. Naveen is very observant, so when Ethan and Charlie were secretly treating him, he noticed a lot about the pair. In my mind, he was the first to think they were compatible and the first to realize their relationship had the potential to be meaningful and long-lasting.

When I wrote A Weekend with Dr. Ramsey, I did not plan on writing With and Without. Towards the end, I had ideas, but the storyline was so jumbled that I wasn’t sure if I would take on such a long, ambitious project. Instead, I thought I would publish those individual ideas as their own work that formed a semi-series. So, while Ethan’s jealousy triggered his behavior in WaW, it wasn’t necessarily my intention.

However, Ethan realizing that Charlie had other romantic options sparked their relationship because Ethan suddenly realized that this thing he had with Charlie wasn’t safe. Up until that time, their relationship had limits almost entirely set by him, and it was well in his comfort zone. There were blips like Miami, but overall, Ethan controlled that part of him that wanted more of Charlie.

But really, their relationship didn’t make sense. They were too comfortable, too familiar, and frankly too connected for mere coworkers. They spent a lot of time behaving like they had a romantic relationship only to snap out of it and remember they were “platonic.” Unconsciously, they were committed to each other, and there was comfort in mutual pining. So, when Ethan realized that Charlie wasn’t on the same page as him and could replace their relationship with a real romantic partnership, things changed. The illusion that Charlie would remain stagnant with him shattered.

First, he had to acknowledge that he hated learning that Charlie had other suitors, and if he did that, he had to acknowledge that he hated them because he wanted to be them. That breaking of barriers allowed them to investigate their relationship and act on repressed feelings, which they’re still doing 24 chapters later.

Now, for the ending of A Weekend with Dr. Ramsey, I never really considered any other ending for several reasons. Firstly, I knew that the relationship had to end because, while Ethan had grown, he hadn’t grown to a point where he could accept a relationship with Charlie and work at Edenbrook. If Naveen hadn’t survived, I think they could have made it work. Ethan wouldn’t have gone back to work as quickly, and they would have had more time to figure out where they stood. But Ethan would have always gone back to work, and there would always be a strain because of that. At the end of A Weekend with Dr. Ramsey, Charlie was not enough to stop him, and she knew that.

That brings me to my second reason which is that I just didn’t think they could have a casual ending. Don’t get me wrong, I love the angst of Book 1’s ending, but in canon, they had one night together knowing they had a time limit. It was a very different situation. In A Weekend with Dr. Ramsey, they were at the start of a relationship without an expiration date. They were romantic and hopeful, and then it was ripped away. And notably, it was ripped away by Ethan. Charlie couldn’t just blame fate because she watched Ethan make that decision.

Both characters were in pain, but they experienced it very differently. Ethan made the choice, and though he expressed self-hatred, he didn’t really consider staying. For him, their last night is bittersweet but necessary, and he asked Charlie to stay the night so that he could get closure and mark the significance of their relationship. But Charlie didn’t make this decision. She wanted to stay together. Exchanging awkward, sad goodbyes in the morning would have been extremely painful. They couldn’t both get what they wanted or needed from their breakup, and Charlie got to pick because she acted first. This was vaguely hinted to earlier in the series when Ethan promised her that he wouldn’t leave.

Ultimately, I think it’s the lack of closure that prompted the follow-up series. If they had mutually agreed to end things, Charlie wouldn’t have gone to him on the night of “Just Tonight.” There’s also a lot of unresolved pain and distrust because of that night, which Charlie and Ethan haven’t touched yet. Now that we know that Ethan’s mom left him at a very young age, there’s a new dynamic to Charlie leaving that I didn’t even consider at the time but hope to bring up later.

100%, without “Blind Date,” the rest of the series could not have happened. Now that I’m writing it out, I see that Ethan only knows how to act when what he wants is threatened. “Drinking Games” established that Charlie and Ethan couldn’t go back to the relationship they had Pre-A Weekend with Dr. Ramsey. It only took one night as friends to put them back in danger. When Ethan decided to push Charlie away in “Midnight Call,” they had to live without each other again (which they both hated). Charlie doesn’t have Ethan’s skill for wallowing in longing and disappointment, so she had to do something.

David certainly had the potential for a handful dates – maybe more if she was determined enough. But no, he would never be comparable to Ethan. If Ethan ever found out, he would have been just as hurt as in “Blind Date,” but it still would have taken another catalyst to actually push him to Charlie. Truthfully, I think it would have happened. I think Charlie and Ethan were constantly escalating their behavior, and at some point, they would reach a point where they had to try again or had to sever ties.

Coming into this, I knew that there was a problem with the pattern of Charlie always trying for him and Ethan not being in a place where he could try, too. That wasn’t sustainable, and if they started another relationship in that state, an epic meltdown would follow. Ethan had to reach a point where he was capable of taking the risk, and a lot of that growth happened in “Blind Date” and “Hangover Cure.”

I’m really happy you noticed that they’re so free and happy in Ethan’s apartment. Especially in the next few chapters, that will be even more prominent. Domestic/borderline fluff (because, if I try fluff, it just gets sad in the next paragraph) is so much fun to write, and I’m excited to touch on that more.

Also, yes, I don’t even think I know how to explain Ethan and Charlie’s relationship. At that point, they were in a very messy, complicated and unlabeled relationship. Early on, Charlie’s friends warned her against pursuing Ethan again, and I would do the exact same thing. But there was no way Ethan or Charlie would ever stay away from each other permanently.

For your last question, I relate to both, but if it had to be one, I would relate most to Charlie. She leans much more into the anxiety and complexities of her problems, which I do as well. She feels them very intensely whereas, to some extent, Ethan’s monologues are a bit more removed. Even when he’s making devastating decisions, he separates his duty from his emotions, and he decides which of the two to act on. He also has a penchant for blaming himself, which is something I’m trying to stop doing. Like Ethan, I have a tendency to remove myself from situations when I feel I’m going to make a mistake or am afraid of intimacy/rejection/etc. But most notably, they both keep those fears and dilemmas inside (I’m very guilty of doing that), and that’s what they have to change. When I’m writing Charlie, I like to use stream of consciousness and tap into anxiety. I pay much more attention to the physical/emotional reactions of a thought or action, but for Ethan, it’s more thoughtful and retrospective. Charlie’s reactions are the ones I have in the moment, but Ethan is who I am when I am mulling over something later or have to compartmentalize and function in a painful moment.

I love all the passages you picked out! I actually ended up putting one of them on my whiteboard above my desk because I remembered how much I liked it. A few times, I read them and genuinely thought, “I wrote that???” I’m sorry that this response is so long, but once I started, I couldn’t stop myself. I actually had a lot of fun doing this, and I think stopping to appreciate the work in its entirety helps me plan for its future. If you have any other questions or anything, feel free to reach out again!

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captain-of-the-historicfuture · 3 years

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~hello~ !! For the meta asks!: 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24, and 25 :))

Hello!! Thank you for sending these; I was really excited to see that ask game and I was hoping somebody would send some in. It still took me a while to actually answer them though, and for that I apologise. But without further ado! Some meta answers (under the cut because they ended up being fairly long, whoops):

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (Consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway.)

I thought of a few examples, but they could basically be grouped together under a common theme: whumpy/angsty scenes that were self-indulgent as all heck. The whole self-indulgent aspect often required the characters to be just the teeniest, tiniest bit OOC and/or necessitated rather unrealistic plot circumstances. So it was simply easier to keep such scenes as maladaptive daydreams, rather than trying to think of explanations for the character/plot issues…or exposing myself to judgement for them LOL.

Receiving permission to write/share one such scene anyway is an opportunity I can’t let slip by though. It might be because I’m writing this while running on zero (0) hours of sleep—let’s hear it for insomnia, y’all!—but I suddenly couldn’t remember any of my newer ideas under this category. However, I did recall a one-shot I had started writing a couple of months ago that sort of counts? “Sort of” because I could actually be arsed to write it since I was, ya know, writing it. Only got about six hundred words down though.

…should I share those six hundred words…?

………nahhh. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet.

But here’s the gist of it: Coulson and May (because of course it’s Philinda) were married for quite some time before the Attack on New York. But then Coulson DiedTM and then got ResurrectedTM. But gasp of horror, he had to lose his memories of his romantic relationship with May because reasons. (I actually did have some ideas for those reasons but sshhhh this is about me yeeting context and setup.)

The first half of S1 still happens as normal (except MayWard doesn’t happen because??? Vows) and it’s now post-E20 “Nothing Personal”. The morning after (or a morning soon after, whatever) the T.A.H.I.T.I. reveal! May’s mom—who doesn’t know about GH.325 and whom May fed a cover story about Coulson divorcing her or something equally as oof, IDK—shows up at the hotel and starts ripping into Coulson for breaking her daughter’s heart, then dragging her back into the field with her ex-husband (him), then accusing her of terrible things and forcing her away again.

Poor guy’s confused as heck, and so is the team, and soon enough so is Lian. The only one who understands what’s going on is May, and she’s freaking dying off to the side like why is this happening to me and eventually everybody’s like! Explain??? (Was thinking about including something from Coulson like, “Are you still keeping things from me?” Just for that extra smidge of angst, yay!)

So yeah then May gives a, like, two-sentence debriefing that elicits more questions than answers. Coulson decides to take May aside and they have a heart-to-heart. Lots of feelings and angst and hurt/comfort and at some point plenty of kissing too. Just! May hiding her feelings for Coulson’s sake but really magnified, plus some actual apologies and consideration of the grief May’s been through on Coulson’s part.

And uhh yeah that’s basically it I dunno hdsjncjshd. I warned y’all it’s OOC, plot-bendy, and very self-indulgent!

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

I don’t think I could name a single character for this. I get different things out of taking on different voices, you know? I guess recently I’ve found myself gravitating towards more taciturn and introspective points of view, like JQ from my original novel Rosewood or M. Yisbon from my…other original novel Temple.

Generally, however, I like tackling stories from an outsider’s perspective. That’s why I so rarely write my more “substantial” (serious? demanding? for lack of better words?) projects from the PoV of my “preferred” character. This usually means writing from their love interest’s perspective, but not always. With shorter fanfic, using a more removed/unconventional/niche PoV can be really fun. Like, I once wrote a canon compliant ficlet purely(-ish) about Philinda from Tony Stark’s perspective. That isn’t always sustainable with stories that demand more character development or closer character studies, however, which is why it’s a good thing I like writing drabbles!

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

My word counts tend to run long, but I usually only write one-shots for fanfic. If I’m even inspired with a novella- or novel-length story idea for a fandom, you already know I’m in deep with them. And if I actually find the motivation to plan and execute that idea? Dangg. That’s only ever happened…twice, maybe thrice, and I’m in a lot of fandoms.

At times, I wish I could go for more of a middle ground ’cause, like, you know what I love to see? An AO3 dashboard with several completed novellas for my ship/character of choice. I mean yes, I hecking love >90k fics, but sometimes I’m in the mood for quick reads…and what am I supposed to do when I burn through all the drabbles and 2k one-shots? (Besides despair and/or reread my faves desperately.) Novellas are basically always safe for me LOL, and I’d hope to be able to give as much as I take.

Ultimately though, I think I’m okay with where I am with regards to that. I wish I could write more in general, but I’d be okay with “writing more” just meaning “writing more one-shots”, ya know? More than okay, really. I have mad respect for fic writers who have, like, a hundred or more one-shots under their belt for this one ship. The fandom ecosystem would be incomplete without them (as well as every other type of writer, but sshhh that’s the type of writer I’m closest to being right now).

I’m definitely a plotter, and I definitely prefer it that way. It’s cool having such a detailed record of my process. I like feeling like a frazzled genius on the brink of a major discovery with all of my different outlines and colour coding and many drafts and various websites.

12. Do you want your writing to be famous?

Not exactly. It might be cool if my original works were recognisable in the world, but I don’t think I’d want to be recognisable. As for fanfic, I’d low-key enjoy gaining a place in that fandom’s community as a fic writer. Like someone who gave and got fic gifts from fic writer friends, who participated in challenges and GCs, who received writing prompts on Tumblr, whose name was known for doing a certain trope/genre a bunch of times… Ya know what I mean?

Unlikely to happen when I’m so hecking hesitant to publicly (i.e., outside of AO3) claim credit for my writing, but fjnskfsjhfjs. A writer can dream, right?

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

Of those three, tags are the easiest for me, for I have a reliable system for figuring out those.

Next easiest would probably be titles. For fanfiction, I like to use titles that are a quote from the source material. You should have seen all of my old Hamilton fanfic… I was really proud of some of those titles. And I don’t mean, like, whole lines—usually only two to five words. It’s a unique type of wordplay that I just love dabbling in.

And lastly, summaries. Sometimes inspiration strikes me and a snappy and intriguing synopsis just jumps out—one that I’m quietly pleased with—but most of the time I’ll spend way too long trying to think of such a synopsis and eventually just go with whatever I’d come up with so far. And live with my quiet dissatisfaction for the rest of time.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (Plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations...?) Tell us about them!

Typically, no. If I have deleted scenes, I save and publish them separately, but that’s about it. I sometimes think of AUs for my own work and might talk about them in my author’s notes—might even talk about writing them—but I never really do anything with them.

Although…

It’s not uncommon for me to decide a plotline isn’t working for a certain story or to think of an interesting but undoable arc for a certain character, but what I’ll do is make a whole new story for those ideas. Once I’m done developing the original idea and the branched-off one, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell they grew from the same roots. Does that count?

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as (film, webcomic, animated series, etc.)?

That depends on the story. I’ve actually written stories in other mediums—movie screenplay, musical stageplay, poetry, TV show scripts, play scripts, roleplay—but the novel does tend to be my comfort zone. Sometimes, if I have an idea that I think could work, or would even work better, as another medium, I’ll label it as such in my folder of ideas and decide not to write it as a novel.

Most of the time, my non-book projects are collaborations. I’m working with five different people on six different story ideas: two webcomics, one stage musical, one anime, and two animated TV shows. Little concrete progress has been made in any of those, mind you, but they’re still fun to discuss!

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

Absolutely. But I’ve been writing stories since I was five years old, so we would hope so, huh?

I wouldn’t say my writing’s changed completely, though maybe that’s just my insider’s perspective.

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

Oh gosh, I can’t believe you’d make me choose. Writing is just such a wonderful experience for me; I love just about everything to do with it. Admittedly, not all the time, but. Since that barely qualifies as an answer, however, I’ll give you this—

The endings. Not only that intense feeling of rightness when you wrap up that last sentence, but also the moments before. The adrenaline of knowing you’re almost there but you gotta push just a bit more to actually get there. And also the part right after—the real wrap-up, honestly: the revision and the editing. Heavens, I love revising and editing my work.

Which is not to say I don’t like writing it out for the first time, too—there’s nothing quite like seeing your cursor scroll to the next page, like going from a blank expanse to a Oh man, how many more lines are even going to fit on this page?, like watching that page counter tick up another number. However, there’s something cathartic about finally ironing out those problems I had to force myself to stop worrying about earlier because “just finish the first draft dangit”.

I guess that’s not really the end of the writing process, but whatever. Close enough (as fic writers are wont to say).

Another thank-you for these asks, and feel free to come back with more at any time! ;P

Send in fun meta asks for your friendly neighbourhood writer!

#thou canst not then be false to any man #ask game #invictusmaneo #to write and read comes by nature

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celosiaa · 4 years

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Hi! I am back once again, and I was wondering if you had any advice for new writers? You and Taylortut are my icons for sickfics and writing!! I’ve posted a few fics, and was wondering if you had any advice on how to get people to notice them and such?

Oh hi!!! This is the sweetest thing ever!! I am extremely flattered to be asked about writing tips,,, that is so surreal to me since I have only just returned to fic writing for the first time since middle school :,) thank you so much! I also didn’t know you were writing fics--that’s really exciting, and I’d love to read them! Here’s a couple things I have figured out along the way—I hope it’ll be at least a little bit helpful. And @taylortut please feel free to add on as well!

Think about what you are trying to say, and write it down. This might be a little specific to the way I write, but I always want to keep a focus on what my larger ideas are in the fic—whether it’s just sort of a fluffy sickfic, in which case the sticking point is the comfort, or if it’s a more angsty, in-depth character study. In the case that it’s a longer fic, I try to think more in the abstract. I’ll usually write down something along the lines of “Focus: learning to care for someone how they need to be cared for after a traumatic experience” or “Focus: accepting the love and care of other people when you feel like you don’t deserve it.” I think if you start with your goal in mind, it will carry your writing forward in such a way that the reader can feel you building up to it.

Outline. Again, this is just something I find helpful. In addition to the above tip, I like to start with laying out the order of scenes I want to have in the fic/chapter. After that, I fill in, adding bits of dialogue or description I really want to put in, or any specific details that I want to add. I usually spend an hour or two on this, coming back to it several times to give my brain awhile to mull things over.

Think about the personalities, motivations, and backgrounds of your main characters. For example, I always write Martin as trans, and I usually have some bit of this filtering into the language or description I use in the fic. I think this adds a nice amount of detail to help your readers connect with your characters. It doesn’t have to be anything big! For example, when I write Martin as trans, I will usually let it filter through in either a mention of binding, some discussion of dysphoria, or a mention of taking T. If you are writing a character with identities that you do not hold yourself, it’s important to do some research! @writingwithcolor is an extremely helpful resource, and I HIGHLY recommend checking them out.

Think about tone. This can depend heavily on your subject matter. I like to set tones through writing the from one POV and explicitly writing that person’s inner thoughts as part of the fic. The content of their thoughts can often determine whether it’s a sadder fic, an angst fic, or a fluffy fic. And you don’t have to use this style in order to do that! You can indicate the motivations of the characters by describing their physical actions or expressions as well. It’s all up to you and your style preferences!

Specific to sickfics, do some research on the illness you are trying to represent. Some things you may know better than others, such as cold symptoms, but it honestly never hurts to look it up again! You might find yourself intrigued by a symptom that you hadn’t thought about, or a complication that might make for a great second chapter. If you’re not as familiar with what you’re writing about, I would recommend reaching out to others about their experiences. I did this before writing fics about migraines, because I have no personal experience with them, and so many wonderful folks were more than willing to share what migraines are like for them. This REALLY influenced and strengthened my writing! Also think about how each symptom you want to portray will impact the character, as well as their own responses to being symptomatic. Are they embarrassed? Whiny? Weepy? It’s all up to you!

Take your time. This might be because I’m a bit of a perfectionist, but I will spend time rereading and editing everything I write to make sure the dialogue sounds natural, I don’t use the same descriptor words within too close a proximity to each other, I didn’t accidentally change POV, etc. For dialogue editing, I really try to hear the voices of the characters in my head as saying the words I wrote, and if it doesn’t sound right, I take it out or change it! Also, I would try to change up the order and length of your sentences--it will make it sound more flowy and less choppy. :)

As far as getting others to read your works, I would spend a while making sure you write a catchy summary! That has been helpful to me for sure. I would also reply to the comments you receive, as this will tend to keep people coming back since they know you appreciate their readership. I would link things that you write on ao3 back to your Tumblr, so people can come talk to you more informally, get to know you, and send you prompts.

From a logistics standpoint, I usually reblog my own works at least once at a different time of the day, so I’ll catch more readership. Additionally, be careful of the tagging system here--the first five tags that you used is what is indexed on Tumblr as a whole. The first 50 tags will be indexed on your blog. So put your most important tags first, because then your post will show up to people who search for those tags! Also, external links on tumblr are ~wack~. Tumblr eats things with external links to ao3. That’s why I will post the entire text on Tumblr separately from my work on ao3.

Lastly, I would look for ways to connect with other writers. Like you’ve just done here! Pick up a prompt from them, write a collaborative fic with them, or send them a prompt to write! It’s a great way to make friends, get inspired by other works, and share the fic-writing love <3

Wow this was so long!! I got a little carried away lol. I hope you find this a little bit helpful, and good luck with your writing!!!

#asks #writing tips #long post

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jonryatrash · 5 years

Text

ADWD + Jon’s Heart

What do you know of my heart, priestess? What do you know of my sister?

I know among Jonrya shippers that this line from Jon VI in ADWD is iconic and further evidence that the good ship Jonrya is sailing strong in ASOIAF (as GRRM originally intended). I also know that there’s been some, err, tumblr discourse about the use of this line for other ships, and this is not a response to that in anyway; I’ve honestly missed 95% of that particular skirmish.

As I was working on another meta tonight, I ran across a very curious line much later in ADWD that parallels Jon VI beautifully, so I thought I would put these two scenes together and discuss how they build upon one another.

Jon VI is the chapter in which Jon finds out about Ramsay’s marriage to fArya, and it marks an important turning point for Jon for the remainder of the book (and arguably the series itself). The quote that follows occurs after Jon reads Ramsay’s letter and has presumably been reflecting on it all day. We find him talking to Mormont’s raven and listening to Melisandre’s worship from inside his chambers.

Jon felt as stiff as a man of sixty years. Dark dreams, he thought, and guilt. His thoughts kept returning to Arya. There is no way I can help her. I put all kin aside when I said my words. If one of my men told me his sister was in peril, I would tell him that was no concern of his. Once a man had said the words his blood was black. Black as a bastard’s heart. -Jon VI, ADWD

This particular line feels important since it’s the first time that Jon thinks about his heart in the chapter. Earlier, his heart stops for a moment when he discovers that Ramsay is to wed fArya, but that’s not quite the same thing as I’m trying to get at here. This line shows that Jon is a sworn brother of the NW--his blood has turned black and black is the color of the NW. However, his heart has remained uncolored by his oath to the NW’s. His heart remains black because it’s always been marked dark/bad/base due to his bastardy. I think the blood vs. heart here is worthwhile of our attention because we know that Jon ultimately decides effectively to betray the NW for the sake of his sister; his bastard’s heart proves too much for him to overcome. We’ll also see the phrase “bastard’s heart” appear later on, so keep that in mind.

Just after this mini-scene in his chambers, Jon leaves and eventually runs into Melisandre. At first he mistakes her for Ygritte (and idk what to make of that) and then notices that her hands are uncovered. Jon tells her that her fingers will freeze off, and this iconic exchange follows:

“If that is the will of R’hllor. Night’s powers cannot touch one whose heart is bathed in god’s holy fire.” “You heart does not concern me. Just your hands.” “The heart is all that matters. Do not despair, Lord Snow. Despair is a weapon of the enemy, whose name may not be spoken. Your sister is not lost to you.” “I have no sister.” The words were knives. What do you know of my heart, priestess? What do you know of my sister? Melisandre seemed amused. “What is her name, this little sister that you do not have?” “Arya.” His voice was hoarse. “My half-sister, truly …” “… for you are bastard born. I had not forgotten. I have seen your sister in my fires, fleeing from this marriage they have made for her. Coming here, to you. A girl in grey on a dying horse, I have seen it plain as day. It has not happened yet, but it will.” -Jon VI, ADWD

First, I appreciate how Melisandre can see right through Jon’s pitiful attempt at pretending he doesn’t care and doesn’t have a sister. He tries to distance himself from Arya, yet it’s a struggle to even say her name with his voice “hoarse” and his thoughts totally occupied with her all day.

Second, I’d like to linger on the parallel structure of the “what do you know” lines. As someone who has taught her fair share of composition and public speaking classes, I can assure you that parallel structure plays an important function in writing/speaking. The purpose of parallel structure is to elevate ideas to a higher level of importance and to demonstrate equal importance between the two parallel statements. It also functions to make statements clearer and easier to remember. Long story short, Martin is waving a giant red flag to tell the reader that these two things (Jon’s heart and his sister Arya) are incredibly important. Also, because the sentences are worded exactly the same in terms of subject and verb, “heart” and “sister” are interchangeable; you can switch their locations and the meaning of the sentences stay exactly the same. I offer this up as evidence of the claim that Arya is without a doubt Jon’s heart.

Having explained that, the line that comes before it--“The heart is all that matters”--takes on another meaning. Arya is all that matters to Jon, particularly because Arya is the only one who could ever love this bastard brother. Arya knew that being a bastard was not a good thing to be (hence the mention of Arya fearing she was a bastard because she looked just like Jon), but she still loved Jon despite him being insert the long list of beliefs about bastards here. And it’s ultimately his heart makes Jon break from the NW in his final ADWD chapter, both his bastard heart’s traitorous ways (according to Westerosi society, that is) and his incredibly strong love for Arya, who is also his heart.

Jon XIII is Jon’s final chapter in ADWD, and I was surprised when I reread it just how much content is packed into this chapter. There’s also many thematic parallels to Jon VI, which against serves to mark those themes as important in a variety of ways.

In Jon VI, we first hear about the letter from Ramsay. In Jon XIII, we finally get to read the whole thing. A lot of Jonrya fans rightly comment on the importance of “I want my bride back” from the letter and how Jon echoes it in his own quest to get Arya back. When he echoes Ramsay’s sentiments (hello, parallels!), it becomes I (Jon) want my bride (Arya) back (from you, Ramsay), and offers a strong explanation for why Jon throws everything away to save Arya. Well, that coupled with GRRM’s Waterstones Letter, at least.

At the end of the letter, Ramsay writes:

I want my bride back. I want the false king’s queen. I want his daughter and his red witch. I want his wildling princess.

I want his little prince, the wildling babe. And I want my Reek. Send them to me, bastard, and I will not trouble you or your black crows. Keep them from me, and I will cut out your bastard’s heart and eat it. - Jon XIII, ADWD

In these lines, we once again see black + bastard + heart appear together. GRRM emphasizes again that Jon’s allegiance is to the NW, but also that he has a bastard’s heart that marks him as deceitful/traitorous/lustful/etc. I think all of this is to prime the readers for what comes at the end of this chapter.

(Also, as a side note, I’m inclined to read the consuming of Jon’s heart aka Arya very sexually, which makes sense with the whole echoing of I want my bride back. Coincidentally, that echo occurs with a page of his quote).

In the next scene (again, paralleling the shift from the letter right to Melisandre and the heart quote), Jon enters the Shieldhall and announces that he’s going to make plans to save Hardhome. These plans happen to not involve him. When he’s called out, Jon explains:

“No. I ride south.” Then Jon read them the letter Ramsay Snow had written. The Shieldhall went mad. Every man began to shout at once. They leapt to their feet, shaking fists. So much for the calming power of comfortable benches. Swords were brandished, axes smashed against shields. Jon Snow looked to Tormund. The Giantsbane sounded his horn once more, twice as long and twice as loud as the first time. “The Night’s Watch takes no part in the wars of the Seven Kingdoms,” Jon reminded them when some semblance of quiet had returned. “It is not for us to oppose the Bastard of Bolton, to avenge Stannis Baratheon, to defend his widow and his daughter. This creature who makes cloaks from the skins of women has sworn to cut my heart out, and I mean to make him answer for those words … but I will not ask my brothers to forswear their vows. “The Night’s Watch will make for Hardhome. I ride to Winterfell alone, unless …” Jon paused. “… is there any man here who will come stand with me?” -Jon XIII, ADWD

Again, the letter is read. Then Jon explicitly states that what’s about to happen is not about Stannis and the politics of Westeros. This is a really weak out for Jon, but a nice work around based in a technicality. But, Jon explicitly says what it is about: Ramsay swore to cut out his heart. And we know from Jon VI that GRRM invites us to understand Jon’s heart to be the same thing as Arya. Therefore, Jon is riding to Winterfell because Ramsay swore he would keep Arya away from him forever--forcibly and gruesomely removing her from his life--and Jon isn’t having any of that.

I don’t think that it’s a radical claim that Jon went to war for Arya. Even non-shippers can see that much, I’d say. But Jon isn’t just riding to save his sister, he’s riding to save a vital, life-giving part of him, Arya. He has never spoken about any of his family in such a way, except for Arya. I’d argue that based on his commitment to throw it all away (the past several years of his life and his honor) for a girl who is his heart (again, a strange comparison for siblings who aren’t Jaime and Cersei), GRRM is still planning on moving forward with his original plan for Jon and Arya. I also think Jon 2.0 is going to make Ramsay pay to a degree we haven’t yet seen.

#jonrya #suppleassin #asoiaf meta #arya stark #jon snow #my asoiaf meta #meta worth reading

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feralaether · 5 years

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LOOKING FOR LONG-TERM ROLEPLAY PARTNER(S)

Hello! You can call me Aether. I am a 20 (almost 21 — July 10!!) year old male (FtM) who is currently looking for a long-term, active, and engaged roleplay partner(s) who have (relatively) consistent muse, and is also looking for a friend! I’m inching on 11 years of written roleplay experience; I started doing Warrior Cats on an old forum called forestpeltsden, and moved to a blended OC + Canon characters based website with the same group. When the group dissipated besides one friend, I started looking to Discord based RP’s and unfortunately found very few servers of interest — especially ones with individuals who are consistent, and/or with a server that doesn’t die due to the server owner shutting it down unexpectedly. I live in West Coast Canada. Post times correlate best for me with individuals who are PST, CST or EST, but any timezone or place works. I only roleplay in English since it is my only language.

What am I looking for?

While I’ll do any of these universes, I’m mostly looking for a partner who is interested in Marvel RP. Specifically, I’m looking for someone who’s willing to do an AU that takes place directly after Avengers 1, but differs in that Loki was kept at SHIELD on Earth, granted “freedom” in exchange for his continued alligence, or whatever they can get from him. “Freedom” and “alligence” is used sparingly here. Really what I mean is they force his stay. The Loki in this universe is schizophrenic.

I also do 1 on 1 character threads, but I would really prefer for us each to have a handful of characters we always play so we can keep things fresh and interesting.

I’m mostly looking for a singular partner, but if this sounds like something that a group would be interested in, please let me know and we can definitely make it work. I’m always looking for close-knit, group based RPs as well.

Be active, and let me know if you will be MIA. Real life comes first, obviously, but at least mention it? I’m looking for someone consistent who will be in on this for awhile. The longest consistent RP I’ve done is one that’s lasted 7 years. I won’t give up on you if you do not give up on me.

Some general things that are required:

- You must be okay with very descriptive and long posts. One-liners don’t do it for me; you must write 3+ sentences with enough to work with. One-liners are ok if we are going back and forth very fast, but I am a literate multi-para roleplayer and do not enjoy short reply posts.

- Correct grammer, please and thanks. Please reread what you write. Obviously I don’t mind the occasional error and typo in a post, but care about what you’re writing and use please. Quality over quantity, ALWAYS.

- You must be okay with roleplaying some difficult themes such as death, illness, mental illness (this will not be made to look cool or romantic), and others. I will discuss what these are with you beforehand. If you have specific triggers or concerns about anything, please let me know. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. :)

- I will never roleplay child abuse or incest and if you DM me asking I will ignore you. Vore, scat, and others are also big yikes.

- I’m looking for someone active! I would prefer daily posts to a couple posts a week, but I totally understand if something comes up — just please let me know because I’ll worry about you! 🙃

- Be okay with the inclusion of OCs and roleplayed canon characters with personal interpretation, especially if they are from mythology, even if you do not not play those kinds of toons as well.

What can YOU expect?

You can expect between one to multiple multi-paragraph replies a week. If I am not busy, I may even reply several times a day (depending on your availability as well). If you want to gush over our characters, I’m down for that 100% of the time PLEASE GUSH TO ME ABOUT OUR CHARACTERS!!

I do prefer Discord for RP, whether just in DMs or even to make a server for it. That way, we can have a place for faceclaims, character sheets, and even art. I will give my Discord tag to anyone who is interested.

I will be mindful of any triggers you mention.

How about sexual roleplay?

I will write smut. Actually, I will write very detailed smut. I will basically do any pairing so long as it happens naturally. Please understand that I prefer roleplay to be an 80-20 distribution. This is not a call for a sex-based roleplay. Also, if a thread becomes sex-related I’ll immediately label it nsfw in case we are doing multiple in the same universe. I do not respond to smut as fast as regular roleplays. This is for individuals who are 18+. Minors must be kept safe; if I catch you lying to me about your age, I will immediately block you. Seriously, if I suspect you have lied to me, I will block you. Secondly, I will never RP child abuse, incest, vore or scat. I might consider certain other things, but you will have to ask.

Okay, so what kind of roleplays do you do?

I’m really open to anything, to be honest. Gonna put a big no on anime, but other than that I love all kinds of roleplays. These are the fandoms that I have experience writing AND would be interested in. I am also extremely interested in blending multiple of these fandoms together if we can make it work:

Marvel +++++

Mythology (especially looking for a Hades for my trans Persephone) +++

Supernatural +++

The Vampire Diaries +++

World of Warcraft ++

Lucifer ++ (three stars if blended with above)

Blended RPs:

Marvel + The Vampire Diaries

Marvel + Supernatural

Marvel + World of Warcraft

Marvel + Supernatural + Lucifer

Supernatural + Lucifer

Mythology of any kind + any of the above

original characters (of any kind) + any of the above, and/or TV characters (like Lucifer) who are played as mix of personal interpretation and based off Supernatural or Lucifer

All of the above put together

I’m pretty liberal with pairings (I will write any) but I do tend to lean towards M/M. Again, I don’t do child abuse or incest. As as long as it’s consensual between two adults it is okay. I will do MPreg in certain situations (such as LokixAnyone since the Loki I play is genderfluid pansexual), but that’s something we can discuss.

Aaaaaand anything else please ask!!!

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otomates-a · 5 years

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Most people are out there reflecting on their lives like normal people on their birthdays, but I’m over here writing a candid ‘letter’ to @deusvolent in a once in a lifetime display of me making a heartfelt post without the use of a single meme. I’m gonna make this so honest and sappy even you can’t find anything to turn into a joke, are you ready. I told you I wanted to do some shout-outs on my birthday to friends and mutuals so I can spread positivity, but everyone else I can do in a mass post. Yours I can’t because you’re extremely important and I have 983745983745 things to say to you at all times, you’d take up the whole post. This will be the only time I say them without a single keysmash or backtracking, SO TRY TO HANG IN THERE WITHOUT DYING. Despite trying my best, I’m sure there are still points I’ll rehash that I’ve said a million times and stuff I’ll STILL forget to say, but that’s how it is.

I find lots of ways to minimize the effects of my words / feelings when I talk to you because I get shy and I know you don’t do too well with emotions yourself, unless I’m doing some gushy meme for you, but I really want to take a moment and seriously state that you’re very special to me and honestly one of the closest friends I’ve ever had, period. I hold you to the same standard that I hold my childhood friends I’ve known in person since I was in kindergarten and if I’m gonna go the extra sentimental mile, you actually know more about me as a person than those friends do in a lot of areas. You aren’t physically here and I can’t hug you or stain your shirt with mascara while I cry on you for the 40th time that day, but you’re just as important and real a friend to me as those who are here and have to put up with my ugly sobbing in person and not keysmashes.

I’ve gotten mushy about how far we’ve come since we first started talking 4 years ago when I was a mess plenty of times and I don’t intend to make you reread the same stuff I’ve typed a over and over before, so I’ll hopscotch over that, but I do want to bounce off that and say that it’s because of those early interactions that I honestly trust you more than anyone. Which probably sounds like a silly, small thing, but when you’re an anxious, dying wreck like me, IT FEELS LIKE A BIG DEAL. You never stopped reaching out to me and actively keeping our friendship alive when I was going through hard times, and even more than that, you cared about me enough to forgive me and work with me through any problems we had. And that was genuinely as helpful and important to me as my family and friends around me helping me get out of the dark place I was in back then. Truthfully, you’ve played a really, really huge part in helping me start to stabilize my mental state, which is something I usually kind of dance around saying outright because I feel like it sounds stupid, but you know. You’ve been the biggest influence in helping me learn to cope with anxiety and depression when it involves friendship and learning to trust and sustain positive relationships with people I care about. Which is a big deal!! Like two years ago I would’ve broken down and isolated myself over every little misunderstanding, but now I’m able to talk to you and my friends and even my family sometimes and YES that particular social skill started with you, so thank you!! Because of you, I’m actively a better person both online and in person when it comes to handling people. And even though I still stumble here and there, as you know, I do it A LOT less than I used to, and I usually pick myself up far quicker than I did back then.

I trust you so much that I’m able to overcome most of my anxiety and self-doubt when it comes to interacting with you, even though I apologize a lot for silly things or still lack confidence here and there. And I don’t know if you really understand how huge that is, but it’s incredible to me because I can count the number of people I feel comfortable and safe with on one hand. Like I’ve said before in more joke-y ways, there’s a reason you’re the person I talk to the most on here and you’re the person I always ramble to when I have something on my mind. I feel like I can count on you to be there for me and stick up for me, but also tell me when something is wrong rather than worry about you suddenly hating me without ever saying anything.

All of this rambling is context to me making the point that there’s a very small group of people I consider people who quite literally save my life every so often and give me a reason to stick around when I go to bad head spaces. You’re one of them!! Shocking!! I’ve literally had times where I’ve been like “I want to die” and then seconds later I’m like, “...but I’d miss Bianca if I did.” If you ever need to put into perspective how much I care about you whenever I’m done writing this disgustingly honest shout-out to you and return to memes in our conversations, just remember that you are actively one of the reasons I am literally alive and you HAVE been for a good couple of years now, this isn’t something that just SUDDENLY developed.

This is where I’d put clap emojis to re-emphasis if I weren’t being really serious, YOU’RE SPECIAL TO ME. This is a very nerdy sentence, but I’ve been roleplaying literally since I was 7 years old through many websites and fandoms and no friend I’ve ever made throughout those years on internet hell has ever been as important to me as you are and us only being able to interact online doesn’t diminish that at all. And you may have noticed this is the one time I haven’t complimented your writing and that’s because you’re more to me than just a writing partner or someone I met on the dismal RP community on tumblr. Discussing muse and RP stuff with you is just as fun as you telling me what the weather is like in Romania today. I would talk to you for hours about the most mundane, unrelated stuff and it’d be just as interesting to me. If you ever tell me you need some strange artifact from America that isn’t available in Romania for some kind of adventure or if you just want a box of questionable cereal to try out, guess my ass is booking a plane over to Europe to fulfill my duty as your friend, no questions asked.

I’m closer to you than I am with the entirety of my family and that’s not even an exaggeration. YOU PROBABLY CAN’T TELL, but I’m not a very affectionate person and I very rarely show open and deep affection to people, THESE ARE RARE CASES. So you know and understand me better than people I’m blood related to and have known my whole life, which in mushy logic means you basically are my family. You may be in a completely different country on a completely different continent, but as any cute movie would say at this point, (corny voice) you’re here with me in my heart. And if this were a story where people were reincarnated with soulmates every lifetime, you’d be my platonic soulmate in every single one... we’re absolute opposites, but you complete me... If you feel warm and fuzzy and gross that’s because I’m hugging you in spirit. I hope your day is as wonderful and happy as you’ll have helped contribute to making mine.

I know your memory is absolute garbage, but I’d be happy if you could remember at least this much: Te iubesc, Bianca ❤️ 💗 💓 💕 💖 💛 💙 💜 💚

And thank you again for the birthday wishes, I’ll see you on May 27 with a great gift!! ♥♡♥(ꈍᴗꈍ)ε｀*)♥♡♥ 💞 💘 💝

#a once in the lifetime post free of meme'ing and jokes ....... don't get used to it ........#(Ɔ ˘⌣˘)♥(˘⌣˘ C)#I PROMISED I'D EMBARRASS YOU TODAY AND I HOPE I SUCCEEDED LMAO ... have a good rest of ur morning #deusvolent #* . °◞ ❤ ooc.#* . °◞ ❤ positivitea.#* . °◞ ❤ happy tag.

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youremyplayground · 5 years

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The Journal Chapter 6

I sighed as I sat down at my desk. Grabbing a pen, I opened my journal to add Hwanwoong’s name to the list.

Yeo Hwanwoong: Success

I smiled tiredly at the word. I never knew how it could lift my spirits so much. Then I reread the entire page again and something caught my eye. One of the first sentences.

Hey, it’s me. You. Whatever. So we can see death. Or well…dream it

So then what were the visions I had earlier then? Was that a new thing? Furrowing my brows, I stared at the words. Could I have just forgotten to add that part? Shaking my head, I turned to an empty page and began to scribble down words.

A couple of things happened today that I need you to know. I saved a guy today, but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that I had a vision. Two actually. Now, I don’t remember if this is a normal thing so I’m writing this down to ask you to keep track of it. Also, I think I remembered something about Mom and Jinho? It seemed like the morning of when we went to Busan?

Jinho and I talked about my room being dirty then I asked him if he wanted anything. I’m still so confused by all of this. Just..do me a favor and start writing down any of the memories. Even if they end up being like dreams or something. Maybe we can start to piece this all together. Find out what happened to Mom.

With that, I sighed and got into bed. Hopefully, I get my memory back soon. Something just isn’t sitting right that the boys don’t know what happened to her. It’s possible that Jinho just didn’t tell them, but you’d think Jinho would at least bury her somewhere close.

---

“Alright, then I want some of that raspberry wine that’s really popular there. The cave one?” Jinho said, smiling before he stuffed his face with breakfast.

“Wow, okay.” I laughed.

We finished eating then Mom and I got our things. Jinho came over to watch our kitten while we were gone. I mean the drive to Busan alone is about 5 hours. Not a very good idea to leave a kitten unattended.

“He better not poop on me again.” Jinho glowered at the tabby playing with his mouse toy.

“He hasn’t done that in months! He was a newborn what do you expect?”

“No, he planned it! He did it like 5 times. Only when I was holding him!”

“Then he just hates you.” Mom laughed, “Come on Jinkyung.”

I hugged Jinho before walking out of the house. As soon as we got into the car, my stomach started to turn. It was probably just excitement. Halfway to Busan, we pull over to get gas. I stay in the car while she goes and gets snacks and pay for the gas. My stomach turns again. When I look up I see a man in all black leaning against the gas station building, his foot resting up against the wall. He was super handsome. Could be an idol honestly.

“Okay, so they didn’t have any good food this time. We’ll just get something in Busan. Deal?” My mom asked, getting back into the car.

“Deal.” I laughed, looking at her. Glancing back at the handsome man as we pulled out of the gas station, I noticed he was staring at Mom. “Oooh, Mom. A really handsome guy was just staring at you.”

“Hey, your Mom still has it. Where do you think you and your brother got it from?”

“See, now I agree with you about me, not so much Jinho.”

“You’re right he takes more after your father.”

“Are you sure about that? Dad was really handsome. Jinho looks like you found him under a rock.”

“You’re horrible.” She laughs, turning on the radio.

We spend the next couple of hours listening to music and laughing about random things. Pretty soon, we’re about half an hour from Busan and my stomach lurches. Something feels wrong. Looking around, I noticed black storm clouds gathering in the sky. It was just sunny without a cloud in sight. What’s happening?

“You feeling okay?” Mom asks me as I frown and put a hand to my stomach.

“Yeah. I think I’m just getting motion sick.”

“Aww, do you need me to pull over?”

“No, I’ll just go to the bathroom when we get to wherever we eat.”

“Alright.” She said, putting her hand on my arm and patting.

5 minutes pass and I suddenly feel like puking. I put my hand to my mouth and motion for her to pull over. She nods then looks around for where to pull over. As the car stops at a pull out I jump out and walk a little away before bending over and emptying my stomach. Just as I finish a sudden crack fills the air. I turn around to see…

---

Lurching awake, I look around confused. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I realize I’m in my apartment. And there’s someone knocking on my door. I calm myself some more, wiping the sweat from my forehead before getting up and seeing who it was. Before I’m even to the door I know who it is. I open the door and let them in before sitting on my bed.

“You guys have no idea the weird ass dream I just had.”

“Wait..you remember us?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I-….oh my god…” I whisper.

“What else can you remember?” Seungmin exclaimed, sitting next to me.

“I remember saving a guy yesterday.”

“Holy shi-!”

“This is amazing!” Chan yelled, clamping a hand to Felix’s mouth.

“Do you remember anything else? Jinho? Your mom?” Seungmin asked, putting his hand on my arm.

“No. I mean…I had a dream of us going to Busan and then I got really nauseous when we were almost there and there was this really loud crack. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Could that have been a memory?”

“I don’t know? Maybe?”

“Anything else?”

“No, that’s all it was. I ate breakfast with her and Jinho then we left. We stopped at a gas station halfway to Busan then got almost there and I had her pull over so I could puke and then the sound happened. I mean the clouds turned black? A storm could have rolled in.”

“Is there a way we can look it up?” Felix asked, pulling out his phone.

“Why does it matter? It was a storm.” I laughed. He shrugged and put his phone away. “Anyway, what did you come over for?”

“Oh, we were talking about your doctor after we got home and found it weird how that desk dude acted. Like you’re his patient, should he always be willing to see you?” Chan said, motioning for me and Seungmin to move over so he and Felix could sit on the bed.

“Yeah, I thought it was weird too. I don’t know, maybe I was really rude to him or something?”

“I guess that’s possible? But now that your memory is sort of back, shouldn’t you go see him?”

“Yeah, I probably should,” I said scratching my head.

I walked over to the fridge and got the number from it. Dialing his number, I put the phone to my ear to hear “We’re sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.” Frowning, I look at the number I dialed and compared it to the number on the paper. I put it in right.

“The number is disconnected,” I told the boys.

“What’s his name again?”

“Uh, it should be on the pill bottle by you guys. Wait a second. The pill bottle. I forgot to take my pills yesterday.”

“Really? Is that a bad thing?” Felix asked, grabbing the pill bottle and his phone, looking the doctor up.

“According to this, I’m not supposed to miss it. I feel fine though?”

“Huh..maybe you don’t need to use them anymore?”

“Maybe?”

“Uh…guys? This doctor doesn’t exist. There’s no one with his name and there’s no doctor’s office at this address. It’s an old office building that’s for lease.”

“What?!” I exclaimed, “Then who the hell was that yesterday? What the hell are those pills then?!”

I quickly walked over to him to look at his phone. He was putting in the pill name and nothing popped up. We looked at each other and my stomach just turned over in my stomach. If they were a placebo then…what the hell was happening.

“Um…Jinkyung? Come look at this.” Seungmin said, looking at his own phone.

I took it in shaking hands and looked to see an article.

THE PERFUME KILLER STRIKES AGAIN, THIS TIME LEAVING A VICTIM’S CHILD ALIVE

He’s been terrorizing many women in the Busan area for years. All that we know about him is that his M.O. is to shoot his victims in the head then spray their bodies with perfume and light them on fire, leaving the perfume bottle lying next to him. They’ve yet to figure out how he chooses his victims or even who he is. The police currently have no leads, but the latest attack may help.

Reports to a burning car just outside of Busan led to another victim’s body, however at the scene was the victim’s daughter. Her daughter, hereafter referred to as A was visibly shaken up. No signs of injury, however, was unconscious. When she awoke, she was suffering from amnesia. There is a chance she saw the killer’s face and a chance she may remember. The police, however, are doing everything they can to track down the killer. Unfortunately, there was no CCTV’s in the area.

“What..?” I whispered.

“Could that be.. your mom?”

“No. I mean…it’s not possible. My mom couldn’t have been murdered. If she was then why wouldn’t they have killed me?”

“Maybe.. they didn’t want you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous Seungmin! She wasn’t murdered!” Felix exclaimed.

“How do you know Felix? I’m just saying it’s possible!”

“Jinkyung? Are you okay?” Chan asked as I stood in shocked silence.

“I…” I trailed off before setting my jaw. “I need to find out for sure. I need to find out if my mom was murdered and if I was a witness then it’s my duty to remember what the killer looked like. I need to get justice for my mom.”

“Okay, that’s courageous and all..but how?” Felix asked, looking uncertain.

#stray kids #bang chan #chan #lee felix #felix lee #Felix #kim Seungmin #seungmin #youremyplayground

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