#...and obviously i'm not saying that mentally ill people doing self-care is the only way it looks...

[uncanny-tranny]

Hey, gentle recognition for the people who are taking care of themselves in "not aesthetically-pleasing" ways. To the people who have to do things they don't want to because they know they would suffer more if they didn't, to the people who have to brush their teeth with their fingers, to the people who have to use washcloths to bathe, to the people who need to punch pillows or scream into them to express their intense emotions, to anybody ashamed about the way they need to live and take care of themselves.

You are doing the very best you can with the hand you've been dealt. It's not easy, it's not pretty, but it sure as fuck takes so much to do these things. You are doing what is best for yourself, and I, for one, think you deserve to be proud of that. Self-care isn't easy. It isn't pretty, often, but it's something you shouldn't be ashamed of or hide away because it's deemed "grotesque" or "not really self-care (because self-care is pretty and non-threatening to 'normal peoples' senses)"

#mental health #mental health support #self care #like when i was still in school i would end up forcing myself to go because i knew i would feel worse if i hadn't... #...and i don't think people get how difficult that is. it isn't like you choose to be difficult when you struggle #and feeling ashamed about doing these things only makes the situation worse for them (the person struggling) #something i've just been thinking about #i hate this idea that self-care *only* looks like the 'healthy' person's treat days... #...like lighting candles around your bathtub and putting rose petals in the water... #...because that isn't the only aspect to taking care of yourself. sometimes it looks like forcing yourself to bathe and grieving... #...and using rough washcloths because you can't stand the feeling of your own skin and you can't stand how dirty you feel... #...and obviously i'm not saying that mentally ill people doing self-care is the only way it looks... #...but that it really doesn't help us when self-care is almost made into a 'non-threatening' activity that is pleasant and nice-looking #and of course the examples i used in this post were examples and aren't the end-all-be-all

[angiethewitch]

So, I'm also mentally ill, and I really don't understand why you think it violates your personal rights for you to be held accountable for taking the medication that keeps you stable, safe, and functional.

Do you think you should be allowed to act inappropriately because of your illness? Do you think you should be allowed to possibly hurt yourself and others? Do you have delusions about the healthcare system or medication? Do you dislike being stable or lucid? Like, why do you think that it's okay to neglect your mental health conditions and make people around you feel concerned or scared for your safety? Do you think that people shouldn't take meds in general, or just you?

Personally I enjoy being stable and healthy and I don't understand why you want to put yourself and others through distress. It seems like internalized ableism mixed with self harm tbh. I hope you get better someday and learn to love yourself when you're stable instead of hiding in your psychosis and hurting yourself and others.

it's actually ableist to come and assume that I'm violent and unsafe simply because im schizophrenic. ive been off my antipsychotics for nearly 2 years now, under the supervision of my doctor and psychologist, I have no such delusions about the healthcare system - once again, it is ableist for you to say a schizophrenic MUST be delusional for not wanting to go on medication. it is ableist for you to assume I MUST be a danger to myself or others because I am schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to come in here and be so fucking condescending, explaining things to the obviously insane schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to say I MUST not be stable or lucid. it is ableist of you to say I MUST be acting inappropriately. bro im just in fucking work. it is ableist of you to say i MUST be neglecting my mental health when I'm not on medication when I thought it was widely understood that medication is not the only answer.

I am not in distress and I do not cause distress. you've completely misunderstood my stance, just because medication works for you does not mean it works for everyone. my stance is that it violates bodily autonomy to force medication down my throat or strap me down and inject me with medication I did not consent to taking. either you did not understand that or you don't care, and you think people with mental illnesses should be stripped of their autonomy.

absolutely nobody is scared for my safety. I was discharged from the psychosis intervention services with my psychologist saying he feels incredibly positive about my recovery. I am a supervisor in charge of a team of people in my work and im on my way to a management position. for the record, I may still have periods of instability, but therapy and learning healthy coping mechanisms has been far more helpful than 5 years of a medication that gave me amnesia. and the medication didn't even stop the symptoms, they just put me in a chemical straitjacket.

how dare you come in to my inbox and spew ableism and assume things about me. get off my blog.

#anonymous #and this? harmful to my mental health too

[suchawrathfullamb]

things that are irrelevant and stupid but get on my nerves because I'm mentally ill and too invested in this show and need to be told in a kourtney kardashian voice that "people are dying, lamb":

people on tiktok going on and on about "lolol how did Will payed for Hannibal's therapy?? there's no way he could afford that lolol" WILL HAS MONEY WILL IS NOT POOR. He grew up poor but excuse me you??? he is not only a professor in the fbi academy but also a special fucking agent who solves crimes like no other. also he DID HE PAYED FOR THE FUCKING SESSIONS HANNINAL LITERALLY SAYS THAT ON THE SHOW did you not fucking watch it?

"hannibal is sooo mean he would judge me for being poor" are u insane that man is extremely polite? he would never judge someone for shit like that, what show did you even watch? Will would probably judge you a lot more than Hannibal, he literally hates everyone and doesn't hide it.

"Will would've been such a great dad to Abigail" my god stop projecting your desire to be Will's lolita type daughter unto something that has nothing to do with that. Will was a terrible father/caregiver to her as well as Molly's kid. ARE U WATCHING THE SHOW OR JUST READING HEADCANONS??

"Will is so smol bean he is a picky eater and he hates the big light and and" MY GOD we get it, you're autistic and you wanna force Will to be just like you, but that's not canon, you wanna headcanon about it? great go ahead but don't act like this isn't a personal delusion of yours. Yes obviously they are both on the spectrum but no, Will does not have any of these traits, you're basically describing Hannibal like why ignore that and just project unto a character that has a completely different type of autistic trait??

"Hannibal isn't tender, you were brainwashed by him" are u fucking dumb this is literally the opposite. YOU were brainwashed by him if you think he's a big scary monster with no feelings boo 👻 . have media literacy. his character is literally all about creating a mask that protects him from his tenderness. y'all are the same people who think Will is a smol bean.

don't get worked up in the comments and reposts, I am self aware and literally wrote in the goddamn post that I know this is stupid and irrelevant and who cares bc it's just a tv show and blablabla so don't bother, I'm aware, I just don't care and wanted to whine

#lamb whines #hannigram #nbc hannibal #hannibal #will graham #murder husbands #hannibal lecter

[mirroredmemoriez]

Amanda's misguidance.

I was doing bad- Then I saw a THIRSTY ass post and began giggling (if you can assume who you are, thanks I guess!) but I'll still speak my weewoo brain. (Ok! I never posted this back then, this has been sitting for maybe a week, but the thirsty post was someone's dream.) (WEEKS NOW) I think uh, one of the things that really gets to me about Amanda's character is truly how misguided she was. I know a lot of what I'm going to say has been talked about and all that jazz but I don't really care... This is my rambling not yours. Anyway, she didn't have any solid parental figures even before John. We know that her dad was abusive/neglectful and her mother is never mentioned, not to my knowledge. I've kinda headcannoned her parents as addicts as well, obviously addiction and things such as it can run through families. (Saw X has now highlighted how terrible her father is even more) The wiki page for Amanda Young

This is where her self destructive nature began developing, the lack of care and love but an abundance of neglect and abuse resulting in her not really knowing how to take care of herself or others. I'm not saying she can't love or care for things either, but she doesn't know the correct way of doing so. Amanda loved John, that is a very clear thing. I don't think she knows how to handle her love or where to pinpoint it however. In the sense that she's not experienced parental love, friendships or romantic relationships- Not ones at least that weren't with people who were as down under as her, so I don't count Cecil.

She sees John as a father figure, a leader and a teacher. John is her only guide to life, somebody who set her on a path, even if it wasn't the right one. Amanda is indebt to him for ''helping'' her, even if it's up for debate whether he truly did help, Amanda's drug addiction was by far not her only issue if you look at the bigger picture. She clung to him like a lifeline, even when he hurt her, made her do things she didn't truly believe she could. We know she feels guilt for killing Adam due to the deleted scene where she has a nightmare about him and we also have the fact it was a ''mercy'' killing in the first place. Amanda is tested repeatedly and we also have to acknowledge around the start of her becoming an apprentice, she was going cold turkey, which the symptoms for are horrible. However, she still kept loyal to John and his cause, other people going through such a thing are quick to tell their closest family members they hate them or even ''backstab'' them in pursuit of a fix. Amanda doesn't. Even later on, she never turns back to drugs, instead going back to using self harm as a coping mechanism. I don’t believe the ''love'' she has for John is one sided either, I think he does care for her in his own way, but his self righteous nature at times doesn't let him fully give the support and tenderness Amanda needs.

It makes you wonder what Amanda could of been had she found somebody else who could give her direction, a cause. Somebody prepared to have her as a first priority over their ideology. Where would she be? Could she function in society or would she crush under the pressure. She's never been ''evil'' to me or a cold hearted villain like other horror icons. Amanda is a severely traumatized mentally ill woman, one who kills and tortures due to the fact the only person she has in the world is telling her it's the right thing. Of course, some people will argue that she purposely makes her traps basically impossible, so she isn't even fully listening to John and his beliefs but that's because of how misguided she is.

She DID survive her trap and look at her. Obviously, it also comes from the fact she believes people can't change but you can't really blame her for that either. The amount of death and torment she's been subjected to lasted her a lifetime and was her death, no peace. And even in death? She was reaching for John. Because even with all the pain he put her through, mentally and physically, she loved him. Her saviour who caused so many of her wounds and left others to get infected.

Misguided to the very end.

#their relationship is my roman empire #father and daughter bonds like #stab me right in the chest #do i have daddy issues? now i dont want to be the cliche.... #yes #amanda young #john kramer #saw #saw franchise #saw movies #sawposting #saw 2004 #saw 2 #saw 3 #saw character study #character study #headcanons

[ineffectualdemon]

I am pro mental autonomy

People with mental illnesses deserve to have control over their mental health care and that includes whether or not they seek treatment or medication

By this I mean being openly mentally ill shouldn't be stigmatised against or forced treatment on if no one else is being harmed. Even if they make other people uncomfortable because discomfort is not harm

The rare instances where mental illness can contribute to harm against others is a complex matter and even then they should have a say in their treatment

And I say this as someone who has been situations where someone else's mental health has made me fear for my safety/life

But I have also been in many more situations where someone else's mental health made me uncomfortable. And I can tell you the way the people who merely made me uncomfy were treated by society was disgusting

(for the record I tried not to show my discomfort and either help or ignore them depending on the situation, my age, and what I felt was more appropriate at the time)

This is all to say I am against forcing treatment

That being said I am also really pissed off that the metric of who receives treatment is based solely off if they make other people uncomfortable/pose an obvious risk to themselves

I cannot tell you all the harm my religious delusions caused as a young person and why I have had to fight to find my own ways to protect myself. The distilled version is it drove me to self harm both physically and mentally and it would have gotten worse. There were times I was close to cutting my hands to mimic the stigmata and the only reason I didn't was because I was sure it would start on its own. I understood why people in the past had whipped themselves bloody in the name of God

I was in it deep

And I don't think anyone I lived with or knew knew about this at the time because a symptom of my delusions is that I can't tell people or bad things happen. Extreme secrecy is a by product of my delusions. And the religious delusions are only one of my delusions

I figured this out during a clear period in my early twenties and that's when I became someone known for oversharing. Because if I didn't have secrets I couldn't create elaborate realities in the same way. It hasn't ended the delusions but it has kept me safer and away from certain things but I know how easily I fall back into old delusions. I know religious delusions are just lying under the surface. Hell I listened to a song last year that had a Christian message and that alone very nearly pulled me back in. I had to stop myself from listening to it and it was difficult*

But I am not obviously mentally ill to most people. I don't show my symptoms very much because of the extreme secrecy part of it and generally other people aren't uncomfortable around me due to my delusions because they don't know about them

So when I went to the doctor during a lucid period and said "I have these issues and they cause me this kind of harm and I need help" and because I wasn't actively and obviously delusional in the moment and I was not making anyone else uncomfortable I was told "those aren't delusions" and denied treatment for them

Same for my hallucinations. Who cares if it scares me and keeps me from sleeping if I know they weren't real by the time I talked to a doctor and it didn't bother other people around me

I only ended up on an anti-psychotic and got therapy by emphasising my mood swings...you know. The thing that bothers other people

I'm off my anti-psychotic now for many reasons and the only reason I'm doing okay is because my in-laws paid for a private therapist for a year who actually believed me and helped me with my delusions and hallucinations

I am just so angry that people get treatment they don't want forced on them because other people find them a bother and people who want treatment can't get it because they aren't enough of a bother to other people

*and I was only able to do it because of my last therapist

#psychology #mental health #delusional #religious delusions #mental illness #mental autonomy

[ozmatippetarius]

The Nembutal wasn't Henry's first attempt to poison Charles

Pretty late in the novel, Charles shares that Henry gave him a bottle of Nembutal capsules; Richard immediately recognizes this as a poisoning attempt and is horrified. (If you google "nembutal alcohol", like I did when confirming my understanding for this post, every result that comes up is a suicide hotline: that's how well-documented this interaction is.)

This isn't Henry's first attempt to poison Charles, though, although it's the first one recognized by the characters. Charles's "infection" that lands him in the hospital is. This one is a lot better planned-out and executed, and as a result is a lot less obvious to everybody. At this point Charles's mental health is in such a bad state that it's easy to believe that he could land himself in the hospital through poor self-care alone. I'll call out below a number of points that are pretty damning to Henry, though, from a narrative standpoint.

The hospital can't diagnose Charles's illness, and it resists treatment.

The doctors couldn’t figure out quite what was wrong with Charles. They’d tried two antibiotics over the course of the week, but the infection—whatever it was—didn’t respond. The third try was more successful.

If you've ever heard anything about poisoning cases, this will sound familiar. Even today, "It is difficult to determine whether a patient has been poisoned and, if so, what toxins caused the poisoning."

Henry discourages Richard from bringing Charles to the hospital.

After Richard picks up Charles, he tries to call Francis, who isn't home. Afterwards he calls Henry and is surprised when Francis answers the phone. Francis is clearly uncomfortable.

“Francis? What are you doing over there?” I said. “Oh, hello, Richard,” said Francis. He said it in a stagy way, as if for Henry’s benefit. “I guess you can’t really talk now.” “No.”

When Richard explains the situation, before Francis can give any sort of response, Henry takes the phone.

“Did you give him some aspirins?” “A few minutes ago.” “Well, then, why don’t you wait and see. I’m sure he’s fine.” This is exactly what I wanted to hear. “You’re right,” I said. “He probably caught cold sleeping out of doors. I’m sure he’ll be better in the morning.”

I'm obviously not suggesting that it's criminal for somebody to say the answer to a fever is "give him an aspirin, wait and see". I am suggesting, though, that narratively it's suspicious that Henry has apparently coerced Francis (the one person we know would be certain to say "go to the hospital") to come to his place, where he is clearly uncomfortable for reasons that are never explained to us, and takes the phone before Francis can make that recommendation.

Henry had opportunity to acquire poison.

“I mean,” he said, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose, “that strictly in terms of virulence there are any number of excellent poisons, most of them far superior to this. The woods will be soon full of foxglove and monkshood. I could get all the arsenic I needed from flypaper. And even herbs that aren’t common here—good God, the Borgias would have wept to see the health-food store I found in Brattleboro last week. Hellebore, mandrake, pure oil of wormwood.… I suppose people will buy anything if they think it’s natural. The wormwood they were selling as organic insect repellent, as if that made it safer than the stuff at the supermarket. One bottle could have killed an army.”

Henry had access to poison Charles.

Just days before Charles ends up in the hospital, Henry has been in his apartment moving Camilla out. The novel actually goes out of its way to remind us of this, and call out that Henry has had his hands not only on Camilla's things but on Charles's that were left behind, by telling us that when Richard goes to the twins' apartment, "The place was ominously neat." (We've been previously told that both of the the twins are quite messy.)

Henry had motive to poison Charles.

Just a reminder: Charles and Francis were 100% not involved in the farmer's death, and serve as each other's alibis. I've written about this elsewhere, but I think it's clear that Camilla implicated herself intentionally to protect Henry (believing that Charles would never go to the police to report Camilla, when he very much would have reported Henry.)

We know that the twins' estrangement begins during the visit to the Corcorans' for the funeral. Francis speculates that Charles learned about Camilla's relationship with Henry during this time, and Richard is reminded that Cloke told him about a conversation between Camilla and Henry that he overheard on the phone, while Camilla thought he was asleep. Richard never gets more details of this phone call from Cloke, but Charles (who spent this entire visit hanging out with Cloke) certainly did.

I feel certain that whatever it was that Cloke overheard and shared with Charles was badly incriminating, and exposed that Camilla had been disingenuous about her involvement in the farmer's death. Imagine how shocking and awful that would have been for Charles to learn: instead of having participated in the murder of his friend to protect his sister, he actually did it to protect a man he actively hates.

I mean, this isn't jealousy. This is a more deep-rooted anger about a very serious betrayal.

“Have you talked to my sister?” he said to Francis. He said it in a very cold way, as if he were saying Have you talked to my lawyer? “Yes,” Francis said. “She’s all right?” “Seems to be.” “What does she have to say for herself?” “I don’t know what you mean.” “I hope you told her I said go to hell.”

(And I mean, if you do think that Charles is just jealous about their relationship here... this actually becomes quite funny. He was expecting Camilla to have spilled her guts to Francis about having left her incestuous relationship for another lover? Absurd.)

Anyway, this is all to say: at this point Charles is furious and no longer has as much reason to shield Henry for the farmer's killing. He's now a liability who could go to the police at any time.

This conversation between Richard and Henry while Charles is in the hospital.

As he said this, he trailed away. “There,” he said at last. “Does that look all right? Or do I need to open it up more in the middle?” “Henry,” I said. “Listen to me.” “I don’t want to take off too much,” he said vaguely. “I should have done this a month ago. The canes bleed if they’re pruned this late, but better late than never, as they say.”

#i actually have more on this but i'm attempting to practice self-control #the secret history

[motherhenna]

am I the only one who's starting to feel like self care culture and therapist speak has lowkey done some serious damage to a lot of mentally ill young people over the last 8 or so years? It's literally the perfect vehicle for justifying insanely unhealthy coping mechanisms and addictions but I haven't heard anybody talking about it on here. Instead, I keep seeing posts that are like "be gentle with yourself: go at whatever pace is comfortable for you" and "it's okay to say no to things you don't want to do" but like...what if that thing you don't want to do is taking a shower or leaving the house or cooking your own meal at home? What if moving at a pace that is "comfortable" for you means you still haven't stopped smoking for the last decade because nicotine withdrawal and anxiety are not "comfortable"? And hey--at least you're only smoking ONE pack a day instead of two now, so that's almost as good as quitting entirely!

I'm saying all this as someone who is only just now coming out the other side and realizing how much of my late teens and twenties I've wasted because of my lack of accountability and aversion to the hard work that's necessary for recovery from addiction, eating disorders, and depression...and the whole time, I thought I was just practicing self care. But a lot of us should probably take a closer look at our behavior and ask ourselves, "is this really self care? Or is this just complacency, fear of failure, and denial?"

There's a word in addiction treatment that's used to describe family members, friends, or partners who give into their deeply disordered loved one's every demand--even when they know it's hurting them: enablers. I've seen a documentary of a 700 lb immobile man who was still managing to pile on weight because his wife went out every day and brought him every kind of junk food he asked for, all while claiming to love him more than anything else. But genuine, healthy love isn't watching your partner literally waste away before your eyes because you'd rather make him happy in the short-term: it's being fucking honest, and helping them get the assistance they need to get better even if you have to drag them kicking and screaming into rehab. And I'm of the belief that a lot of you out there end up confusing self-love / self-acceptance with self-enabling. One is easy while the other requires you to wake up and do the work every single day, even when it's ugly and messy and painful.

And listen--if your therapist has given you the full go-ahead to take the whole "gentle" route, or it's clearly working out really well for you, then by all means: keep at it. But more often than not, I think we need to stop wrapping ourselves in cotton. The way we treat ourselves should be how we'd ideally parent a child: obviously the overly harsh, critical, strict route rife with threats and punishment is a recipe for disaster, but the other extreme can be extremely damaging too. An overly compliant, indulgent parent who gives into their kid's every whim is likely going to produce selfish, entitled brats who have no concept that their actions have consequences. Neither approach is going to do their children many favors in the long run.

While I'm not fond of the boomer bootstrapping rhetoric, as I think a lot of it comes from an extremely skewed perspective of reality and the expectation that "if I can do it, everybody else should be able to do it just as easily", I also can no longer stand by the victimhood mentality so many fellow young millennials / gen z'ers seem to be living by. Because I spent the last ten years wallowing in it and all it gave me was lowered standards, a million excuses, self pity, and obesity. And it fucking sucks to confront the fact that you are ultimately the one who's responsible for your own behavior as an adult: it means you can't just blame it on society or your parents or your illness or whatever 'ism or 'phobia applies. Are all those things contributing factors that should be taken into account? Absolutely. Should you compare your progress to more privileged people's and feel shame that it's taking longer? No. But that doesn't mean you have no control of your life and choices--that you're powerless to do anything but wait for someone else to save you. Unless you're literally being held hostage at gunpoint, there are always things you can do to `improve your life and yourself. So next time you want to give up on a dream of yours, or justify not changing out of your pajamas for a fortnight in the name of self care, maybe ask yourself what an enabler would do vs. what a true friend would do

#more rambling #this has just been on my mind a lot lately #as I feel like I've finally woken up from a decade's long nightmare #and maybe I could help somebody else in the same place wake up too #you're so much more resilient than you think you are: you don't need to be handled with child gloves to thrive #not to be catholic but the prayer for serenity is super relevant here #'grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change #the courage to change the things I can #and the wisdom to know the difference.' #personal

[katsudondom]

I need to vent, sorry

long post incoming :)

↓

Yeah, I feel that I was born in the wrong generation

And no, I don't think I'm special or anything for saying that.

Like, do people think I want to feel like an outcast whenever I'm around a group of people that are the same age as me? Because I'd trade my interests and niches any day if it meant I could finally feel what it's like to have a group of friends by my side, or a partner holding my hand.

And yes, I do have many criticisms about certain aspects of modern technology and social media, but I don't downright hate it or dismiss the good that came from modern technology/the Internet entirely. If anything, I'd love to be born when the Internet was just starting to walk, when it wasn't as popular yet and when you were considered a nerd for even owning a computer. That'd be an amazing time to be alive, until "normies" (cant find a better word sorry I know it's cringe) started making the Internet more mainstream and later on it being the #1 reason why Americans are more stupid and self-centered then ever (in my personal opinion).

I'm more so disconnected with my generation because of the culture, not modern technology.. A generation where we believe in anything without doing any research or seeing different perspectives first, a generation that's easily brainwashed into believing anything, a generation that's so sure that their opinion is right that they'll even ruin someone else's life or ridicule them into oblivion just because the other person thinks differently. That's the reason why I feel like I don't belong with my generation, not because "ew social media".

Actually, that's not the whole reason why-

I also really just love the grunge/rock culture of the 90's, and the scene/emo culture of the early 2000's. It all felt like a community back then, like wherever you were at there'd be people accepting you with open arms, no matter who you were or what you looked like, ready to have you join their clique people that just liked the same shit as you do.

Nowadays, there doesn't even feel like a community anymore, even within your own culture. Everyone's divided, everyone's prejudice, and everyone can't put their differences aside and at least co-exist with each other. This "you're with me or against me" mentality is getting old real fast. Instead, let's have thoughtful and provoking conversations with each other, instead of being quick to go on social media and wishing ill to the white kid in your History class just because he wore a red hat that you happened to disagree with.

Idk, it's all just really silly.

I was just scrolling down watching YouTube when I saw a video calling people like me who think they're in the wrong generation "annoying" and I had to vent since it actually triggered me a bit, ngl, because just by looking at the thumbnail where they put a bunch of modern technologies and had "modern" in bold letters with the word being crossed out, I knew what points they were going to make, and I just needed to vent about how not everyone who feels like an outcast is trying so hard to be different.... It's 99% the complete opposite and I just always hated that stereotype from people who obviously have it way better in life, from people who clearly don't understand what it's like to be almost invisible even when you try so hard to be liked/seen to the point where you fantasize about a time you weren't even born in because "what if?".

Shit, I'm done, needed to get that off my chest and the only way I'd feel good about it is by posting it online. Scared to put tags on this because half of the criticisms about Gen Z that I wrote about relate to about 99% of Tumblr users, so I might piss someone off but fuck it, I want my voice to be heard and no one will probably care to read this anyway.

And yes, I know there's other teens/young adults out there like me, who has the same mindset as I do. I don't think that I'm the only special snowflake that feels this way, but it's so fucking hard finding someone who sees the world the same way as I do, that it does make me feel a bit like I am the only one.

Anyway,

Goodnight 🖤

#long rant #just ignore this #i'm just so tired #honestly #born in the wrong generation #more like born in the wrong universe

[fernlessbastard]

Turns out I had some time today lmao

Ok so first off, the following will be described in a language as though stating the canon, but that's just for simplicity's sake. It is, in fact, purely the way I personally interpret canon in a way that gives it more of a visual representation - as I'm primarily a visual artist, and obviously my art thrives off visual design, able to portray a story in image alone. It also obviously concerns only the characters of dsmp, and not the content creators, but I hope I don't need to disclose that and it's quite the logical conclusion to draw.

(tw for dermatophagia i suppose??? Picking at scabs and stitches)

That being said: Wilbur.

He has stitches, yeah? He was decomposing for quite a while and likely had multitude of wounds at the time of his death either way. Now, we can talk about the skin eroding all we want, but let's make it less gory and say all he needed were stitches, and his body once revived resumed processes of healing, ect.

So he gets stitched up, likely by Phil, who probably has the most experience in that sort of thing, alongside maybe Techno. But it's a spontaneous thing, and even if they had the sort of stitches which dissolve, they'd have to prepare them fresh, most likely, which would only take up time. So ultimately Wilbur's stitches would have to be manually removed once the wounds healed.

It's been over a year now, he'd have the stitches removed by now no problem.

The issue is

Wilbur doesn't care enough to have that done, and most importantly doesn't feel like he deserves to have anyone do that for him - his obvious self-hatred preventing himself from getting close to anyone enough where they'd offer to do it anyway.

But he has a different use for the stitches: he picks at them.

The scars are mostly healed now, and so he removes some of the thread when anxious or self-destructive - it's become a soothing behaviour of sorts for him.

He's opened some wounds like that, though most were left to heal.

But not all.

At the beginning he proceeded to pick at the scabs forming on his left upper arm - that's where the bloodied up bandage came from. Not that it was so bad it seeped through his thick coat - the bandage placed on the outside of his coat was never meant to stop the bleeding, he's not dumb - it's always been a cry for help. But that's where the blood was initially from at least.

He soon moved onto his stomach. The wound has obvious deep significance, and feeds perfectly into his self-punishing sulking, reminding him of his own mortality in both a soothing and a distressing way.

Nonetheless, most of the stitches remain, though not entirely.

The person perfect to remove the stitches that are left and help Wilbur's disrupted wounds heal is Quackity.

It's not even about the romantic implications of the action, but rather with him as Wilbur's foil it only makes sense.

Wilbur hurt a lot of people. Namely Tommy, Niki, Ranboo, Tubbo, Fundy - they need to forgive him. Well, not need - can, if they feel it's adequate. But the forgiveness is something they can give - not the other way around. There was a power imbalance in those relationships, and so they can't be equals now either - not entirely. Wilbur, no matter now mentally ill, has to be the one to make up for hurting those people.

With Phil I believe it's Wilbur who'd have the right to forgive. I will remain a c!Phil apologist to a degree - he never wanted to hurt his son, he didn't have the whole story, but that doesn't excuse negligence, only explains it, and nonetheless there's clearly some deeper issues that - as the father - he has the responsibility to address and reach out to Wilbur first.

But Quackity?

With Quackity he's on equal footing.

They both did shit they shouldn't have, but their "hurting and being hurt by" narratives don't revolve around eachother the same way they do around other people. They reflect eachother's deepest issues and pain, and more than anything treat eachother as autonomous human beings, rather than whatever figures they're viewed as by the rest of the server. They undeniably know eachother the best out of the server, or rather on a deeper level than other people. One could argue Charlie and Tommy know them best instead, and that wouldn't be entirely incorrect, but they still don't ever see them in their entirety.

Wilbur and Quackity are for eachother the only ones with whom the other can be truly honest, with all the vile flaws, and still be accepted as human.

Because they're equals.

They mirror eachother.

They don't need to forgive eachother as much as forgive themselves, through one another.

And that's why I believe that the moment Wilbur starts getting better must be sealed with his reconnecting with Quackity, and vice versa.

Only then, as Wilbur begins to heal, he can have the person who reflects his own self doubts but also represents his potential to heal to remove all the remaining stitches, and let the wound on his stomach heal.

#wilbur soot #wilbursoot #wilbur #cwilbur soot #c!wilbur soot #revived wilbur #revivedbur #revivebur #tntduo #dsmp #tnt duo #quackbur #quackity #dream smp #tntblr #dermatophagia #fernless rants #fern writing

[furiousgoldfish]

My parents have severely emotionally neglected me and my siblings to the point that all of us are battling multiple mental illnesses and struggle to cope with everything. And any time I try to talk to them about it, they insist they're horrible parents and that it's my duty to tell them what to fix so they can be better. My older sister developed bpd because of this and has been emotionally abusing me/also forcing me to deal with her emotional blowups at the threat of suicide or self harm for years. She also physically assaulted me when I was younger as my dad watched and did nothing. I learned recently that my parents have known about how traumatizing my sister's reactions to everything can be and haven't done anything for years and it really stung even though I've wanted them to have noticed something. My dad has always told me to be more sympathetic and change my attitude about my frustrations but he is also angry with my sister and just won't say anything. It feels like he and my mom are allowed to be upset about her but I'm not. Does sibling abuse count as abuse? Should my parents have stepped up when they knew something was wrong? Does it count as parental abuse if parents know someone is harming you and don't do anything about it? Because it feels like my fault for not saying anything about my sister. Like I should have screamed from the rooftops that I was upset instead of talking, which I tried over and over. Like this has to be my fault just a little bit.

Also, thank you so much for your blog. It's been very helpful for figuring out stuff about my parents.

I am so sorry you're dealing with all this, it's absolutely dreadful.

Sibling abuse counts as abuse, absolutely. It's particularly devastating when a sibling turns against you, when they're supposed to be your ally against the abusive parents.

You're not at fault for not 'screaming' or expressing more of what's going on. Your parents live with you, there's no way they wouldn't have noticed a strained relationship or outright abuse from your sibling. It's possible they ignored it on purpose, or that even after you told them, they decided to not do anything, and allow you to continue being abused. This is abuse as well. Your parents are responsible for protecting you from any harm, siblings included.

It is also normal and human to get involved when you notice your own children are harming each other, it's normal to step up and make sure one child is not harming another, or causing significant distress to another. It's normal for parents not just to notice, but to question, to check in, to make sure everything is okay. If you even said something and they still didn't do anything, they willfully ignored their duties towards you, and refused to be your parents.

You even mentioned your parent watching you get physically assaulted and do nothing. That is horrendous. Not only did they fail to protect you, they're telling you that they don't care if you get hurt, and that you don't matter enough to them in order to be protected. It's far from parenting, it's outright hatred. A normal person would help anyone who is getting assaulted, save their own child.

What made me the most mad about this message is your parents saying 'we're horrible and its your duty to make us better', this is bullshit. This is outrageous and disgusting victim blaming and it makes my blood boil. You have zero duties towards your parents. No children are put on this earth to make grownups better people, especially not their own abusers. It shows they even know they're horrible, but somehow you're supposed to fix it! How! You have zero authority, power, control, experience, or ability to enforce anything on them! Obviously they'll just do as they please, leaving you helpless to change anything! You have absolutely no way in hell of controlling what kind of parents your parents are, but also you shouldn't have to. You should be able to count on your parents figuring this out BEFORE they're trying to have children. This is so inhumane and vicious, you do not abuse your children for ages and then go 'well, its your fault for not making me better', that is repugnant. They should feel so much shame, they shouldn't be able to look at themselves in the mirror.

You also correctly noticed that there's a lot of double standards going around. They're allowed to get mad, but you are not. They're allowed to blame you for their behaviour, but you are not to blame them for your, and your sibling's mental states. They're allowed to do whatever is convenient, and your suffering is blamed back at you. This is also abuse. You are as much of a human being as they are. You're allowed to point out when they hurt you and your siblings so badly you all have disorders and are struggling just with being alive. You're allowed to be mad. You're allowed to point out that you're not their caretaker or responsible for their behaviour. They're infringing on your human rights, when they forbid you to do this.

#child abuse #this is just so awful #i'm so sorry anon #i hope you get away from these people #they will never admit fault and will blame everyone and everything else #they have no love in them #you need to get safe from all this abuse #none of it is your fault #you deserve love and freedom

[vividaway]

my thoughts, and reiterations about gabbie from twitter.

i'm saying this as a fan of gabbie, AND as someone who's been in bipolar psychosis before: hate her all you want. But whats happening with Gabbie Hanna right now has NOTHING to do with drama, NOTHING to do with attention, and NOTHING to do with her music. people spreading that rumor are genuinely bordering on ableism and refuse to do their own research. 1. gabbie's been diagnosed for a little under a year, so she's still trying to find stability.

2. gabbie is PERSONALLY anti-pharma (she gets paranoid about what she's putting into her body, but has no opinions about others who medicate)

3. gabbie's album came out a month ago, and she was one of the first female independent artists to hit the top of the rock charts. gabbie doesn't NEED drama for her music to succeed, nor would this benefit her in any way HAD it been staged.

4. gabbie's BIGGEST, BIGGEST fear is (in her own words) "to go crazy, and not realize it". anyone who's up to date on her tiktoks knows EXACTLY why that statement is beyond terrifying, and how it BEYOND applies to this situation. 5. the argument that "gabbie has done this before" is just plain wrong. gabbie has published a MULTITUDE of videos about the depressive side of her bipolar, but she has ALWAYS gone offline when she got manic.

6. the argument that "gabbie admitted that she's just trolling" is also incorrect. in 2020-2021 gabbie started posting tiktoks (which are now viral) which were taken as her being in a manic state. gabbie tried to tell people a MULTITUDE of times that she wasn't manic, and people refused to listen. this is different from gabbie saying she isnt manic NOW, because gabbie wasnt in PSYCHOSIS in 2020-2021 like she is now. she wasnt DELUSIONAL in 2020-2021 like she is now.

the tiktoks in question were the ones of her in the car, shouting. her "i'm back, bitches" tiktok, and her tiktok where she was dressed like this:

---

i want to include some words copied DIRECTLY from twitter, because they are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

the gabbie hanna thing is making me realize how many of y'all have zero understanding of mental health beyond depression and anxiety (if even that) "if she wanted help she would get it" during a psychotic episode/hallucinations you don't think anything is wrong and often refuse

mental illness is considered an illness for a reason. it’s suddenly no longer offered sympathy when it does not present in a way that’s acceptable or pretty and “quirky”. gabbie hanna is literally not well, hold her accountable when she’s in the headspace to realize her wrongs

“hold gabbie hanna accountable” you cannot hold someone going through actual fcking psychosis accountable for anything. this is not just mania. this is a psychotic break. she is entirely disconnected from reality.

every time gabbie hanna starts trending, it reminds me how most people only care about mental health if it's romanticizable, and not self-destructve and ugly like a lot of issues are

fun fact, you can be worried for gabbie hanna's mental state atm and still be pissed that she's saying racist shit like this isn't mutually exclusive. is she saying terrible things because of her psychotic episode? yeah most likely. am i still upset she's saying these terrible things? obviously. am i still worried for her health and hope someone helps her quickly? she's still human, of course i want her to get help

yeah, regardless of how you feel about gabbie hanna and all the shit she's done in the past, can we please stop saying that people reveal their true, "deep down" feelings when they're manic? it's inaccurate and unhelpful

the way y’all are talking about gabbie hanna rn proves that the majority of you really have no clue what real, severe mental/psychotic breaks look like. y’all are so “mental health awareness!” until said mental health manifests in a way that makes you uncomfortable……

The thing some of y’all need to remember about this gabbie hanna situation is that even bad people deserve mental healthcare. Let her come through the other side of this episode before you expect her to address it and apologize. It might be a while. Be patient.

the gabbie hanna situation is a good reminder that we as a society lack the proper skills and resources to support people in psychosis (as it appears she is in) if you find yourself helping someone experiencing psychosis, here are some tips:

-do NOT try to rationalize delusions/beliefs. you’re not gonna convince them, and it’ll strain your ability to communicate -speak in calm and short sentences. don’t freak out. don’t laugh at them -empathize and validate their emotions. psychosis can be absolutely terrifying

-if possible, pull them aside to a safe, comfortable place. offer water/snacks/etc -discuss resources. offer to take them to the ER or call a crisis support line for them. however, if they refuse treatment do NOT threaten or coerce. only call 911 if they are in immediate danger

-they may refuse help at the moment. allow them to do so. they still have autonomy. tell them that the offer stands and that if they ever change their mind you are there for them. coercion and threatening may ruin your chance at helping them, paranoia is common with psychosis

-lastly, remember that people in psychosis are MUCH more likely to be a victim of violence than the other way around. they are in an extremely vulnerable state that is easily taken advantage of

on calling 911: -it’s not helpful, and can be harmful, if you call 911 on someone in psychosis with no risk of harm to themselves or others -determining level of risk as a layperson is hard. if there is not immediate danger (i.e. standing on the edge of the roof) a crisis line

may be more suitable. they may tell you to call 911 -just bc you call 911 doesn’t automatically mean the person will be involuntarily hospitalized. there are people in ERs who are trained in determining risk of harm -IT IS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY! when in doubt, call 911

resources available: -911 -988 (a US national hotline for mental health crises) -local community mental health centers -local crisis hotlines -ERs. if you live by a psych ER that’s even better -mental health crisis centers (if there are any around) -their therapist/psychiatrist

#bipolar #bipolar 2 #bipolar mania #bipolar psychosis #mania #psychosis #gabbie hanna #alyssa posts

[angstics]

i couldn't agree more with the heart of your post earlier about being "gross" and struggling with mental illness (obviously i would never argue with the more personal aspect of it, that's not the focus of this message) and i deal with the same stuff all the time lol.

however, i would say fully attributing gerard smelling bad to his nebulous Mental Illness in a way gerard himself has never actually ascribed to it is a little questionable, you know? (even saying he "wasn't taking care of himself" is more perspective than a random fan can really have, though i'm not sure what specific time they're referring to so maybe it is more substantial than the fact that there were no showers on warped tour and i'm just rambling for no reason haha) there's SO much of what i can only think to call editorializing. but that is probably not the right word? of mcr history in the fandom, and making connections like that where it's maybe unwarranted and assumptive to make them. not that that's what you did, and honestly you're one of the best mcr fans i know wrt to NOT doing that lol. it's very easy to get caught up in it though; you start seeing it everywhere when you realize you have to look for it.

this is not at all malicious, and i know that wasn't the point of your post anyway! i would genuinely love to hear your thoughts on this one and i'm just sharing my perspective :)

first off, this is a nice message and im glad you brought it up. it’s good to be challenged.

i was being vague because it was more of a personal observation than it was about gerard. to be clear, i was talking about 02-04 when gerard was often described as a permanently rancid leather jacket by himself and interviewers (ie. tom bryant, andy greenwald, LOTMS).

maybe im victim of both fandom and media attributing Single Characteristics to people (“ha ha bullets shows would stink!”). for unknowable reasons, this prevalent description disappears after 04. maybe his hygiene got better. maybe it stayed the same. maybe “gross” was swapped out for “emo”. he’s sexy now, sexy cant be gross. it all is just a portrayal.

i also dont like how narratives are constructed from disconnected pieces of information, especially when the narrative becomes "fact". but i doooo think it's a part of being invested in any public figure. you dont know them but you like them a lot, so you create a person in your head from whatever you scavenge. whatever you NEED. i wouldnt care about this self-care/mental health connection if i didnt need it.

i never want it to seem like im psychoanalyzing this guy because it is rarely About him. when im talking about other people, im really talking about myself. it’s all projection. i should be more careful about that.

#thank you for this!!! it really made me think. #helps to not make the same mistake when you know you HAVE made a mistake #ive always made it a point to not take what isnt given. i dont think i overstepped there #ask #anon #edited my answer far too many times

[symptoms-syndrome]

UGH and now there's fucking DRAMA with birth parents!!!

My birth dad is taking my birth mom to court AGAIN. It's like his favorite activity. He just takes her to court on baseless bullshit because he has a lot of money and she doesn't.

Apparently this time it's about my little sister's college stuff. He's saying he needs total control over her college decision and that birth mom has to pay for it. What the fuck ever.

My like. Perspective on both of them has definitely changed as I've gotten older. I feel...pity, for my birth mom. She's a very, very mentally ill woman who had one kid by accident and one in an attempt to save her failing marriage. She wasn't ready to have kids and wasn't able to take care of them. She's been dealing with my birth dad, which got worse after he divorced her, and is too proud to accept help financially, medically, socially.

My birth dad...is a bad person. I hesitate to call people "bad people" but I'm obviously biased here. He's manipulative, self centered, and needs to feel important and powerful and admired above everything else. Everything he does is solely for his own gain. He doesn't care about anyone else except as stepping stones to greater and greater things. He's told me so himself, he told me to think of people like that. To him, it's a dog eat dog world and he needs to be seven steps ahead. I see some of the worst parts of myself in him. He takes advantage of my birth mom despite her being less powerful, less wealthy, and less capable than him. Maybe because of it. He needs total and ultimate control over his children because his children are part of his image. That's another thing that's straight from the horse's mouth. Every time there was some minor infraction, that was the scolding. "The way you behave and present yourself reflects on me. You need to act proper or people will think I'm a bad father."

That's the only reason he keeps trying to be nice to me, I think. It looks bad on him to have an estranged kid. He keeps trying to get me back. But I wonder why he hasn't given up on me. Just erased me from his perfect existence. One time he told me a father's job is to "keep his daughter off the pole." Now I'm like. Doing drag that involves stripping. So. I'm not sure how much he knows about that though.

Individual parts (big or little p, not sure, probably both) have varied feelings. Some are scared of him. A lot of them are, I think. Some are neutral. There's also the opinion that I should keep some sort of loose connection. Which is where I am now. There's the very strong but not very popular opinion I need to cut him off entirely. But that's counteracted by the fear. Lots of fear. But there are still parts that desperately, desperately need his love, approval, affection.

IDK. I have a lot of "daddy issues" TBH. Freud would love me.

There's also the issue of. My little sister. She's still... IDK. I can't blame her for anything. She's in a really traumatic and scary situation. I cut my birth dad off (though I don't remember it) around 15. She hasn't done that yet and she's 18. She's scared to. Part of me feels angry at her. She doesn't have the courage to do what I did. But I can understand. She's scared to be on her own without support. She wants him to help pay for her college. All this sort of stuff. But I'm like... you're an adult now, legally. You don't need to do anything he asks of you. You don't even need to live with him anymore if you don't want to. But she's just... IDK. Compliant. I was too. It's like he makes you into a robot that needs to follow orders. He frames it in a way that makes it feel like if you don't do what he tells you to you'll doom yourself to a shit existence. Which I guess. IDK I fell into the doomed shit existence. Things probably would have been easier, in every way except mentally, if I had been compliant. But I didn't make that choice. I couldn't be compliant so I was thrown away. And now he thinks he can fix me, I think. He regrets throwing me away.

I can't blame her for her decisions, or lack thereof. But it does make me angry. I want her to have the courage to stand up for herself. She's so trained by him she can't even tell me what she wants or doesn't want to do. She can't make any sort of decision without three hours of reassuring her that it's her choice and I won't be upset with whatever she chooses. And sometimes that doesn't even work. I can understand it but that doesn't make it less frustrating. Less infuriating. I don't understand even though I do. Just do it!!! Just have the courage and make even the smallest choice to distance yourself!!! What is she going to do when she's living by herself, or in college? If I were to be mean, I'd say it's pathetic. She's pathetic. I can only hope that she toughens up.

[fairycosmos]

having a plan to kill myself that i know for sure will work at hand is so soothing and calming bc i can literally leave any time i want and i'm not afraid of anything anymore lol everything is under my control i love knowing i'll be dead soon i deserve my rest

hey, i'm really sorry to hear that you're in this position. it's not fair that you have to think this way and i'm sorry things have been so hard that you feel like it's your only option. obviously i can't say anything as an outsider that'll even put a dent in the pain you're dealing with, and i'm really aware of that. there's clearly deeply rooted underlying issues and mental distress that needs specialized support, and i hope i don't sound ignorant to that. feel free to eye roll your way through this if you want to, i totally get it - but i still feel the need to offer at the very least some understanding and recognition of how much you're hurting, and some alternatives to it.

having to cope with extreme suicidal ideation like this is an indescribable experience, and i'm glad you're still here to any extent despite it. though i know it's completely fucking exhausting, and i know that it doesn't seem worth it at all most of the time. unfortunately i think a lot of people can relate to feeling like they need to have a way out, and actually feeling better once they've solidified one. it's a really common part of mental illness and depression, and while we should recognize that that obviously means the thought processes that have led you to this conclusion aren't exactly reliable, i think it's also ok to just let yourself be at your fucking wits end with everything, without any-self judgement. or even self-praise i wanted to say it'd maybe be a good call not to put too much stock into the future, not to treat any plan like it's definitive because like - focusing on coping with surviving the day is much more manageable, and it's the only thing that's fully in our control anyway. the present, i mean. but if it's a comfort you can't let go of, i understand. i had this thought when i was reading your message that it's alright for two things to be true at once. obviously this isn't how you're going to see it right now, but i mean ideally - it'd be great if you could find the help you need to not have to feel like suicide is where you're headed. that should be the goal, even if you don't want it to be. and i think that's ok. and so is accepting your need to keep an escape route in the back of your head. accepting it, not acting on it, not taking it as gospel. just knowing why it's there and letting yourself feel the relief of it, if that's what you need to do to get through the moment. i think that's what it boils down to.

i hope eventually you can really internalize the idea that just because you have this exit route ready, that doesn't mean the life you're still very much alive in should be cast aside or given up on. the awful trick with being suicidal is that people kind of expect you to be able to fight for yourself, to care about whether or not you stay alive, when the whole issue stems from the exact opposite of that. there's this lack of understanding about how fucking tired a person must be, to feel the way you do. and it's bullshit lol, so i'm not saying you need to get up and take on the world or to fix yourself, whatever that means. but i think it's be healthy to work on coming to terms with the fact that you're still alive, even if you don't want to be, and you still deserve to make it feel bearable for as long as you're here.you still deserve and can utilise professional help, self-help or a support system - if you're worried about cost, a lot of places offer a sliding-scale price. you say you're not scared of anything anymore, but there's also a lack of fear to be found in embracing and implementing positive coping mechanisms, and in talking to others about what's going on, and in trusting the process. even if the whole time, you still know how and when you want to die. even if the whole time, you resent it and think it's pointless. or even just making very small steps toward reaching out / staving off the suicidality daily, if the other option feels impossible right now is a great place to start. it doesn't have to be a linear or easy process, it doesn't have to be anything. i'm just saying that while you're here, you don't deserve to go through this alone.

i know how this is coming across lol and i wish it wasn't. it's cool if you wanna scream and reject it all, i know what it's like. but i promise i'm not saying any of this just to say it. and if it's not compatible with your experiences then feel free to disregard it entirely, ofc. or return to it whenever you feel like you're open to accepting narratives outside of the one your brain is spewing at you. but at the very least i hope you can take away some reassurance from this, a gap in the isolation of being suicidal. know that there's someone out there who is rooting for you and who cares about you, and your well being and your future, even just in that weird distant "stranger online" sort of way. i believe in you and i think your existence is so much more than the way you perceive it right now, including the concept of the end of it. i'm going to leave a few links that will always be there for you to come back to, even if you can't be bothered with them right now, and i hope you're able to check them out sometime. oh i also wanted to add that my inbox is always open if you ever need a friend or just someone to talk to, could be about anything you want - just know that there's always a chance for you to get out of your own head and find some connection on here. sending you so much love, please take care. just focus on one step at a time, minute to minute. that's more than good enough. x

suicide hotlines

resource 1 / resource 2 / resource 3

#tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #long post #anon

[crippledwithrage]

Imma get flamed for this but...

Don't self diagnose because you don't know if those are the right reasons why you feel that way.

For example: you hate being touched and feel very uncomfortable when it happens. You assume it's a sensory issue.

You diagnose yourself with autism based on other traits such as antisocial behavior. Little do you know, the reason all these things happen is because it's all a trauma response. You feel terrible because of trauma.

That does not mean to stop self care or treatment though.

You don't need a diagnosis to get help.

If you need help, go find it. Ask doctors, teachers, your boss, anyone. Self care isn't just for neurodivergent people or mentally ill people.

I understand doctors are expensive and horrible sometimes (I'm chronically ill and have multiple mental illnesses). I've been I and out of the hospital and I can barely afford treatment most times.

It's a terrible system and it needs to be stopped.

However, advocating, educating, and trying to make changes is a better method than self diagnosing.

These doctors are still doing this shit even if you self diagnose. It changes nothing if you simply avoid them. They get paid and get business regardless.

You can still get help without a label.

If the treatment you need is something only doctors can prescribe, find some resources for it. I'll even help you!

I'm currently playing their stupid game of "you're lying and you owe me $999,999,999" I hate it. It's humiliating.

But... I found people to help and a community that accepts me. I'm doing that without a label.

(Also note that the internet is not the same as 8 years of medical school even if doctors discriminate against people)

If you feel like self diagnosing, remember that you can find help regardless.

You're also not a professional and can only see yourself from one perspective.

Professionals are not supposed to be biased either, which, if you self diagnose, you're obviously going to be biased about it all.

Y'all hate misdiagnosis on account of bias and misinformation, so why wouldn't that apply to you too?

You don't know if that treatment or diagnosis is harmful to you either. It's best to make sure that it isn't because being safe and healthy should be your no.1 priority.

You don't need a diagnosis to get help. I will never stop saying that.

#menatl health #mental illness #autism #diagnosis #neurodivergent #neurodiverse #neurodiversity #did community #dissociative identity disorder #adhd #add

[decaffeinatedchaosdemon]

I can feel the downward spiral into a depressive funk.

My chest hurts, and I can even feel it in my stomach. It hurts to exist. But I can't cry because there are too many things going on for my family, and really crying just to cry would be a little self centered. I still live with my parents. My mum is absolutely calculated and cutting when it comes to mental problems. Most of the time, yeah, she is a good mum, and I do love her. But I don't enjoy being around her anymore. I do it out of obligation. I like hiding away in my little apartment when I can.

Scratch that. I don't really.

My dogs are in the main house. So is running water and trash bags so I can clean in here.

But I constantly feel scared waking up whether I've slept too late or am being lazy already. She swings between being very compassionate towards my disability and understanding that it affects my sleep schedule and energy, to just saying that I'm lazy and unmotivated, hiding behind my illness. I never know who I'm going to get when I go out there, and these issues go beyond just my energy levels. She will be either sweet as butterscotch or picking apart every bit of my interests and personality and existence.

Today she told me that she wanted me to think of an idea for dinner, so I started asking what she was in the mood for and making nervous small talk. She said "I don't care! I just need something solid for the first time in a few days. Think of something." Granted, we have been fighting lately to find out if my sibling has a child from a one night stand, and their ex partner has been horribly toxic every step of the way. But today we have found out niece is in fact my niece. The whole ordeal, however, has been a legal fight of bushwhacking through lies and stalling tactics. She's likely just overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to break the news to our rather large family that we now suddenly have a seven month old out of thin air.

Anyway, keeping that in my mind, I went downstairs and got a box of chicken tenders and a box of onion rings, thinking it'd be a fun supper, and she seemed delighted. But her fridge was so freaking full of things that should have been thrown out. So I as I try to help her out with this, she tells me what to do, as I'm doing it.

"Obviously you can't fit that in there, you need to rearrange things." As I'm assessing the entire mess of things.

"You can't just move stuff, things need to be thrown out." As I was already getting up to get the garbage.

Finally I brought up my worries about my disability and whether it would hinder my siblings custody case. Ideally I would have done it later, but I knew that my brain would forget if I did, so I tried to get it out of the way. She just grew more and more exasperated. But I'm excited to be an auntie. We never grew up knowing our own, just because they decided that they wanted nothing to do with my father, their half brother. I want to be better than that. After she brought up a few good points, I thanked her and just let her know that I had been worried, because I never thought of these things, but it was met with a pointed "It's fine, but I'm not really in the mood to talk right now. I'm a bit busy posting about [sibling's] new baby."

Usually, I try not to have my phone on me. She only messages me personally to tell me to do things. My partner regularly brings up the concern that she uses my being housebound as a reason to use me as a free housemaid, even though I don't fully agree with him. But somedays she does bring up that it's the least I can do since she regularly "drops everything to drive me everywhere" and that she "built an apartment for [partner] and I to live in". He also brings up that she will regularly use my medical issues as an example or a "hey I'm a disability ally" in media posts, even though I dislike talking about my own disability around people I know.

We are saving up to move out. But days like today, and everyday really, are a cycle of tamping it down until every bit of my soul aches and I'm dysfuctional. But god forbid I should say something, because "I'm the spoiled child, and I don't get to complain if I have it this easy." Years ago I used to be suicidal, but I now talk myself out of the thoughts because a funeral would be to expensive, and I do have a partner and friends who need me as much as I need them. I live fairly remote, so my friends aren't nearby. Visiting them is a whole day, so we try to do it once a week. My partner works a nightshift, so he desperately needs to sleep during the days. I feel alone, and I've tried joining online communities. I can't get therapy because getting mental help is met with shame here.

But I feel like I live with a martyr. I'm not her daughter, just a tool for media and household maintenance. It hurts emotionally. To my very soul. I'm temporarily the only unemployed resident for the moment. She works from our home as a small business crafter and marketing consultant, and I'm proud of how far she's come. She's awesome at what she does. And I'm very happy to pull my own weight in the house, and to shut up while doing it. But I'm tired of playing the game of "Mary, Mary Quite Contrary". I'm tired of guessing which mother I'm holed up with for most of my day, everyday.

#help #i need somebody #not just anybody #mental health #mental health support