24 Days of Satosugu 2023 Day 13 - Blue fire
Satoru watches Suguru with worry. Suguru is staring at the people in front of him with nothing but detached disinterest and the heart in Satoru’s chest beats painfully.
It’s not right; it’s not right that Suguru looks like that, that Suguru feels like this and it’s all Satoru’s fault, in a way.
If he hadn’t taken Suguru’s heart—
“Suguru,” Satoru quietly calls out and it brings Suguru’s eyes to him. Satoru is relieved to see at least a little bit of a spark in them, even though it’s only ever directed at him these days.
“Satoru,” Suguru warmly gives back, as warmly as he never gets with the humans around them and Satoru feels that painful feeling in his chest again.
Some days he wonders if it’s Suguru’s heart screaming out to him, or if it’s Satoru’s own feelings that make it hurt like that.
Only one way to find out, Satoru guesses, not for the first time, even as he gives Suguru a careful smile.
“Let’s go back home, alright?” he asks, and Suguru’s eyes briefly flit back to the humans, going hard and cold and the ice only melts when Satoru tugs on his hand, gets Suguru’s attention back to him.
“Alright, Satoru,” Suguru agrees after a moment, and Satoru teleports them back home between one blink and the next.
Things are better at home, almost normal, but today, Suguru turns to him with a frown on his face.
“You’ve been doing that, Satoru. What is going on?”
He doesn’t have to elaborate on what exactly it is that Satoru is doing, because they both know. Satoru keeps trying to divert Suguru’s attention away from the humans, lest Suguru does something he might regret one of these days.
Satoru has seen it in his eyes; Suguru wouldn’t feel a thing if he killed one or even many of them and the thought scares Satoru.
Which is hilarious, given that between the two of them, Satoru is the demon.
“Nothing,” Satoru says and gives Suguru a smile, draping himself across Suguru’s back.
Like this he can almost pretend the heartbeat he feels comes from Suguru’s chest instead of his own.
“You’re such a bad liar for a demon,” Suguru chides him fondly, carding his fingers through Satoru’s hair and this is almost as if nothing at all has changed.
Suguru has been affectionate like that with him from the very beginning and Satoru always thought that as long as that doesn’t change, he can be happy but it turns out he was wrong about that.
It’s not longer enough that Suguru is like that with him.
Suguru doesn’t follow his statement up with anything else, doesn’t call Satoru out on his more than obvious lie and that too, only serves to show Satoru just how wrong everything is going.
Suguru doesn’t even care enough to inquire further it seems, and Satoru avoids his face. Not that he needs to, because Suguru is no longer looking at him, anyway.
“I think we should sleep,” Satoru says, infusing his words with a little bit of magic, making Suguru just sleepy enough that he agrees without a second thought.
“Stay with me,” he says, like he always does, as if he’s afraid of going to sleep alone, as if he dreads waking up alone, and Satoru presses his lips together.
“Always,” he says, knowing that it’s a lie, that he’ll break the one promise he made to Suguru, but still, he follows him to the bedroom, watches how Suguru gets ready for bed and then holds vigil at his bedside when Suguru falls asleep, aided by Satoru’s magic.
Satoru still remembers the day he met Suguru, remembers how his tiny hands caught him right out of the sky, cradling him so carefully despite the appearance of flames. Back then, Satoru had made great promises, could read Suguru’s deepest desire right out of his very being and Satoru knew then that the only acceptable price would be Suguru’s heart.
He never expected it to turn out like this.
Satoru still remembers how willingly Suguru had swallowed him, how Satoru’s blue fire had engulfed Suguru’s heart fully, completely, before taking it out of his body and Satoru wants to laugh at his own foolishness.
Of course it would change Suguru; of course it would not be as easy as simply taking an organ and hoping that nothing more was lost.
“I’m so sorry,” Satoru mutters, brushing a stray strand of hair out of Suguru’s face. “I should have known better.”
The truth is that Satoru never gave much thought to what it would do to a human to lose something as essential as a heart before. He’s a demon; it’s not in his nature to wonder about something like that.
At least not until he came to know Suguru.
Satoru knows that he would have died if Suguru hadn’t caught him, knows that only the pact they made and the human heart in his chest keep him alive even now, but he thinks it might not be worth it.
Suguru looks at people who used to be his friends, his family with ice in his eyes, with a detached interest that unsettles most of them and Satoru doesn’t want that for him. He only ever wants Suguru to be happy, but even that seems beyond him at the moment.
And Satoru can’t stand it.
He’d rather die than have to see Suguru like this and for all that he knows he’s going to, should he go through with his plan.
Satoru is tied to the heart in his chest; should he give it back, there’s no knowing what will happen to him, though Satoru can guess.
There’s no life without a heart after all.
He briefly wonders what it will do to Suguru, once he gets his heart back, once he loses Satoru’s power, but that really shouldn’t be his concern.
Suguru was strong and kind even before Satoru came along and he will continue to be so once Satoru has left, of that Satoru is certain. It might take him a while to adjust, it might mean Suguru will no longer be the strongest but he’ll still be strong enough to take care of himself.
And that is truly all Satoru wants for him.
It only takes a thought to make the heart manifest in his hand, the tiny fluttering thing Satoru has protected with all his might for the last seventeen years and it hurts to know that he can’t continue to do so, but at least like this he’s certain that Suguru will be able to give a truly heartfelt smile again.
Satoru has missed seeing him smile these past few years and he chides himself.
He should have noticed Suguru’s spiral much sooner than he did.
“What are you doing?” Suguru’s sleepy voice reaches him and when Satoru looks at him he finds that Suguru’s eyes are on the heart in his hand.
He doesn’t like to see the panic there.
“Giving back what’s not mine,” Satoru easily says, watching the heart beat in his hand, engulfed in blue flames as it still is.
Satoru wonders if Suguru will find it a heavy burden or something to cherish once he gets it back.
“No,” Suguru breathes out, and he sits up, scrambles as far away from Satoru as the bed allows him to.
“Suguru,” Satoru says but he doesn’t actually know what else to say.
“I don’t want it back,” Suguru vehemently says. “You can’t give it back. We have a deal. We made a pact!”
“And I’m breaking it,” Satoru tells him with a sad smile. “I’m no longer getting out of it what I want, so there’s no need to hold on to this anymore.”
The pain that flashes over Suguru’s face is the most emotion Satoru has seen on him in months and it only serves to cement his decision.
This is the right thing to do.
They might have started this as something mutually beneficial; Suguru’s heart to keep Satoru alive in exchange of Satoru’s power for Suguru, but somewhere along the line things changed for Satoru.
He only wants to see Suguru happy, wants to see him live freely and laugh and love, and he won’t be able to do any of that as long as Satoru keeps his heart hostage.
“Satoru, no,” Suguru desperately says and comes close, wrapping his hand around Satoru’s wrist. “I don’t want it back.”
“You don’t even know what you want anymore,” Satoru replies, because that much has become painfully obvious over the last years.
Suguru goes along with what Satoru suggests, but there’s nothing he wants anymore, nothing that interests him like it used to.
Suguru is living an empty life and Satoru can’t bear to watch it anymore.
“I don’t want my heart if it doesn’t belong to you,” Suguru whispers, seemingly certain of that and Satoru smiles at him.
It’s not as if he has a heart of his own as a demon but if he had—
“My heart will always be yours. Isn’t that enough?”
“Is—my heart lacking somehow?” Suguru carefully asks, tightening his grip around Satoru’s wrist as if he could stop him from moving that way.
“It’s not your heart that’s lacking,” Satoru says. “But you’re missing it, and I can no longer bear to watch you go around like an empty shell.”
“What will happen to you?” Suguru asks and Satoru is surprised to spot tears in his eyes.
He didn’t know Suguru could still feel deeply enough to cry.
“Who can say?” Satoru gives back with a shrug.
He doesn’t have an answer for Suguru; Satoru has never heard of a demon willingly breaking a contract. Satoru knows that his kind dies should the contract be found out, should the exchanged part be taken by force but with this? With him giving it back willingly?
Something like this has never happened before so everything is possible. Satoru isn’t hoping for much, though.
“If it means you die, I don’t want it,” Suguru decides as if that’s his decision to make and Satoru laughs.
“It’s my life and my choice,” Satoru tells him, easily breaking out of Suguru’s grasp.
Suguru might be the strongest sorcerer but he is only that due to Satoru’s power, so there’s nothing he can do to him.
“I know it doesn’t mean much to you, not at the moment, but thank you for allowing me to love you,” Satoru whispers as he leans forward to press his lips to the corners of Suguru’s mouth.
It seems to take Suguru off guard, because he freezes where he sits and Satoru takes that moment to push the heart in his hand back into Suguru’s chest.
Suguru sucks in a painful breath, and when his eyes fly back to Satoru’s there is so much life in them already.
Satoru knows he made the right decision, even as he can feel himself fading.
“Satoru, no,” Suguru brokenly whispers out, one hand clutching his chest and the other reaching for Satoru, but it’s already too late.
Satoru is rapidly losing his physical form and Suguru’s hand passes right through him.
“It was my pleasure to stay at your side all this time,” Satoru tells him and he means it with everything that he is. “I will miss you.”
Suguru’s eyes fill with tears and even though it’s hard for Satoru to watch, he can’t help but to delight in the way Suguru seems to feel things again.
If Suguru can cry and laugh and mean it, then Satoru can’t find it in him to regret his decision.
“Laugh for me, okay?” Satoru asks with his last breath and even though Suguru nods, the last thing Satoru sees are the tears spilling down his cheeks.
~*~*~
Suguru hasn’t left his house since Satoru died. He flinches away from the thought, wonders if it will ever stop hurting like it does, and he curses the heart in his chest.
It’s not supposed to be there; his heart was supposed to belong to Satoru for all of time and the fact that it’s weighing Suguru down again while Satoru is gone makes him want to carve his chest open and tear it out all over again.
But he can’t do that, because Satoru died to give this back to Suguru and he could never bring himself to disregard Satoru’s sacrifice like this.
Suguru has tried to understand what made Satoru do something so rash, so reckless but he can’t concentrate enough to figure it out; all he can think of is that Satoru is gone.
Satoru has asked him to laugh but Suguru doesn’t know how to do that without Satoru by his side.
He’s wandering aimlessly through the house, noticing all the places where Satoru should be and isn’t, when someone knocks on his door.
Suguru ignores it, or tries to, but when the person at the other side stays persistent he lets out a deep sigh.
“We’re closed for business,” he yells out of habit and almost doubles over in pain when he realises that there is no longer a we to speak of.
“I should fucking hope not!” a voice calls back to him and it can’t be.
It sounds like Satoru, but it can’t be, because Satoru died when he gave Suguru his heart back.
“This is not funny,” Suguru mutters, clutching his chest when his heart acts up, beating wildly and almost painfully. “How dare you.”
“Come on, Suguru, let me in already,” the voice says and it’s so Satoru that tears spill over again.
Suguru hates how much he has been crying these days when all Satoru wanted of him was to laugh but it’s not as if he can change it. He’s out of practice of dealing with all these feelings inside his chest.
He somehow makes his way over to the door, ready to blast whoever it is who dares to impersonate Satoru into the next life but when he yanks the door open he comes face to face with a smile too big, with eyes too blue and hair too white he stills completely.
“Took you long enough,” Satoru grumbles, even though he’s still smiling and it can’t be.
Satoru died.
“Who are you?” Suguru demands to know and Satoru sucks in an exaggerated breath.
“Rude, Suguru. I leave for three days and you forget all about me? Very rude.”
“You died.”
“One would think so,” Satoru says with a nod. “But I woke up where we made the pact all those years ago. It seems I might be human now? Or something close to it, at least, teleportation is out of the question, anyway, so it took me a while to get back. Have you laughed yet?” Satoru rambles and Suguru can do nothing but stare at him.
“Have I—Satoru, you died, and you’re asking me if I’ve laughed yet?” he demands to know, completely appalled at how callous Satoru is.
“Perfect, I was hoping to see it,” Satoru gives back and claps his hands together. “Come on laugh!”
Suguru punches him in the face.
“Well, I guess I should have seen that one coming,” Satoru mumbles from where he holds his cheek, but Suguru can still see the way his eyes are crinkled and he just knows that Satoru is still smiling.
“You absolute asshole,” Suguru seethes out and Satoru nods.
“Anger, that’s good, too. You were missing so much,” he softly says and reaches out to cup Suguru’s cheek in his hand. “I forgot how expressive you are.”
“You left me!”
“I gave you back your heart!”
“And you left me for it! I would have destroyed my heart myself if it meant you’d stay with me!” Suguru yells at him and Satoru blinks at him, clearly surprised before he shrugs.
“Well, no need for that now? I mean—I’m here, your heart is where it belongs and all is well?”
“I can’t believe you,” Suguru mutters, dragging his hand over his face before he pulls Satoru close, crushing him to his chest. “Never do anything like that ever again.”
There’s a very suspicious silence from Satoru and Suguru pushes him away to glare at him.
“What?”
“I was kind of thinking of giving my heart to you, but I guess if you don’t want it—” Satoru trails off with a shrug and now this finally makes Suguru laugh in disbelief.
“I cannot fucking believe you,” Suguru chuckles out, relieved and happy, and so in love it hurts. “What would I do with your heart if you won’t accept mine?” he asks but Satoru is only staring at him, a look of wonder on his face.
“You laughed,” he breathes out and Suguru rolls his eyes.
“Because you’re ridiculous. I ask you again: what would I do with your heart if you won’t accept mine?” Suguru wants to know again and Satoru smiles cheekily at him.
“As long as I don’t have to carry it around with me anymore, I’ll take whatever you’ll give me.”
“Then it’s yours,” Suguru rushes to say, afraid that Satoru might change his mind, but he knows his fear is unfounded when Satoru’s face lights up.
“Like mine is yours,” he solemnly replies and then leans in to kiss Suguru.
Suguru’s heart is beating hard and fast in his chest, almost painful with how much feeling it’s holding but Suguru feels Satoru’s heart beat in his chest in turn and he thinks if they both have to suffer this, then it might be okay.
As long as their hearts beat in tandem, everything will be fine.
21 notes
·
View notes