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wardenwyrd · 8 months

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Writeblr Introduction

Dotted in secret stars and whispered moons lies The Warden O' Wyrd; too bright smiles and sharp eyes linger on her skin, miasma orbiting their visage. When dusk's hands sweep fluttering eyes closed her shackles, in turn, loosen.

Greetings and welcome all, I am Wardenwyrd - connoisseur of messy queers, the freaky & occult, and all things speculative fiction! I am freshly new to Writeblr and am keen to dig my claws so fellow denizens of Writeblr interact if you enjoy my vibes < 3

Open to ask and tag games !

◈What I write ◈

Anything and absolutely everything speculative, weird horror, all shapes and forms of queerness, and a metric ton of worldbuilding.

Genres: Fantasy (Low, high, dark, fairy tale-esque, etc), Sci-Fi, Paranormal, Romance, Horror, Mystery

Fantastical, often ethereal and treacherous worlds flavoured with flowery prose

Queer, neurodivergent, and disabled characters and themes. All kinds of diversity really. Always looking to broaden and grow my noggin' with wisdom

Gender queer characters. An UNBELIEVABLE amount of dyed hair and pronounces.

Body horror: elegant body horror; gross, grimy body horror; wonderfully queer body horror 'til I burst at the seams; all sorts. Twisting of the body into something other than human as a form of beauty my beloved < 3 < 3

Characters who desperately need therapy (That would be my fault)

Rich settings and worlds. Give me intricate magic systems !!! give me ecology that could be shown in a nature documentary !!!

🌔About Me 🌒

Goblin in my (late) teens. I've been writing for a whiiiile but started really getting into it about half a decade ago. I will ravenously consume all forms of creative media.

⭐Likes ⭐

Favourite colour: Purple my beloved Favourite band: Mili (I'm so normal about them) Favourite genre/s: Gothic lit, Fantasy, Horror romance, whimsical fairies Fav insect: Moths/Butterflies

Stats:

Creative writing college student

Panromantic Ace | Queering my gender to the max

English (Regrettably)

Autism kreachure

Revolving door of hyperfixations on science-y stuff

Purple hair (Not beating the stereotype allegations)

WIPs

[Note: I am very bad at deciding on WIP names]

Prisma

My surreal fantasy WIP comprised of a collection of different stories linked by a unifying setting.

Colour-Coded to the max. Each central story focuses on a character assigned a colour, differing in tone, POV, and focus. Main three are purple, blue, and red.

Literal becomes figurative, and figurative literal

Charms and incantations of old swirl in from afar, weaving our hands together with something much deeper than flesh – a curious sentiment oozing from the recesses of Damsel’s cloak as the feeling of moss and stone wove through my veins; cold and refreshing.

◉

‘What absurdity’, The Arbiter would think to himself. After all, those carmine red eyes of his delve into the primaeval madness: in their muddy depths lies the shivering madness - Fear. From fear is the knowledge wrenched from uncertainty and bloodshot eyes. Dread is the light; tugging on world-weary watchers.

Sort of portal fantasy, sort of not. The stories in this WIP span across many eras and places, yet often find themselves connecting and mingling. Incredibly queer.

Main characters:

MC of Red, Jack Pronouns: He/Him Bnuuy ass trans Victorian boy. Pasty and WILL combust in the sun. Autism creature. He gets a himbo bf and sick asf t-surgery scars as a treat < 3 Character Playlist

MC of Blue, Hel Pronouns: Any/All seemingly innocent girl but remove the innocent and girl part. Kind of an eldritch horror after a character arc but like, that's the good ending. So old surnames weren't a thing in the era they're from. Character Playlist

MC of Purple, Dorothea Pronouns: She/They Gatekeep, Gaslight, Girlboss. Autistic adhd precocious mess who WILL make it your problem. Genuinely manipulative but has great hair so it's fine. Character Playlist

Other notable mentions

[Note: I will elaborate on all of these later]

Witch WIP

My beloved blorbos < 3 Once I figure out how to frame and present it in a more refined way I like I shall be posting about this.

Personal & Cultural struggle within a fantasy context | Disability & Identity as a main theme | Aroace protagonist and Queerplatonic relationship | Magic inspired by folklore and myth | Found family

Low Fantasy setting in a somewhat alternate earth

Sprawling magic system

Conventional fantasy groups but with a spin: revamping those vibes

Witches aren't just funny flying women but genuinely inhuman creatures with spicy shit going on

Demons and angels but: demon is the colloquial term for a class of magical beasts characterised by dense essence, not like hell demons. Angels are living algorithms born from patterns and don't have an actual association to any gods.

MC Playlists:

Branwen | Ingram

Five Steps From Hell

Biblically Accurate Angelic-Flavoured paranormal apocalypse

Autistic MC

More horror oriented than action

Lots of vibes.

MC becoming something not very human, but they're more worried that they aren't worried too much about it

I've got some dastardly plans for this one. Vibes and atmosphere whilst the world falls apart and neurodivergence is a great combo.

#writeblr #writeblr introduction #writeblr intro #writeblr community #queer writers #trans writers #writer #writers of tumblr #fantasyauthors #fantasy writing #creative writing #Connoisseur of messed up queers #Feral gays all day

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constantly-questioning-reality · 1 year

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neil when he realised he had no interest in performing the quiet-kid act:

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doitforadamparrish · 1 year

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I don’t care about your zodiac sign tell me who do you ship Kevin Day with. that’ll tell me all I need to know actually

#aftg #all for the gay #all for the game #kevin day #personally I ship him with an exy raquet that bit is ace and has zero tolerance for bs.#but I would ship him hard w Jeremy if I wasn’t so insane about jerejean #but tbh he’s the one I’m most flexible with I love to see what you’re feral about. so many options #like y’all are so creative. Kevin and Allison. kevin and Aaron. Kevin and Jeremy. Kevin and Neil. kevin and Andrew.#kevin and andrew and Neil.. like no limits here.#personally andreil are untouchable to me and I don’t understand when ppl ship them with Kevin bc Kevin & Andrew are absolutely incompatible #TO ME like those are my views I have a post explaining why Andrew & Kevin make no sense TO ME #all for the game series #kandreil #kevaaron #kevneil #etc #tkm #trk #the foxhole court

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aftg-random-fun · 5 months

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Had a dream where I found prints of gorgeous AFTG art in the wild at an art market and woke up to only feel disappointed it wasn’t real.

#all for the game #aftg #all for the gay #the foxhole court #tfc #aftg fanart #dream #twas a sad occasion #disappointed by reality #maybe one day #if i find aftg art in the wild i would probably be a bit feral #that dream made reality depressing #it was so pretty

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fisheito · 7 months

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your art has such fun and expressive shapes i love love LOVE!!!! TO SEE IT!!!! you can see the joy nucarni brings you and it's so funny thank you so much for sharing. i say this with the most love and kindness and sincerity possible but your they were both service tops yakublade looks like an adult swim break screen (i think it's the font) and it's genuinely one of my favorite things to look at ever. i think you could send it in and they'd air it. anyway thank you fish you make my very sad days much better

Abb. Bau.. abhhbbubbuhauuububbbbhuaaaaaaaaaaa

#asks #how dARE......#who taught u to give compliments like that #with the extreme specificity and every line that hits me like i got solar plexi all over my body #cRITICAL HIT XOMBO #this surprised me and filled me with Big Joy in the ded of night #legit paced around for a day wondering how I'd respond to this with appropriate Emotional Magnitude #thank u!!!@@#i AM having fun!!!!!#often i forget what fun feels like #perhaps unleashing my brand(?) of feral ghorny (gay horny) was a good psychological move after All!!#solemnly removes jester cap #i... made u have a little giggle...#that's all i could ever ask for.......#stay giggling. Anon... what else are we to do on this planet

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wanderingchocolateeclair · 1 year

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roleswap au?

:o!!! Why, of course >:)

CW: slight mentions of death, murder and scars

Here are the designs for edgejeanist in my roleswap au!!!

I will give details under the cut (and also will write out what i wrote in case my handwriting isnt clear lol):

Roleswap au is basically: the villains in canon are now heroes, the heroes are villains. Their backstories are different, either completely, or theres just a divergence from the original (headcanon)

Jeanist: (in italics is from the image)

'The Bloody Puppeteer' - Tsunagu Hakamata

Extremely dangerous villain

Strikes mostly during the quiet hours

Unpredictable

Has been known to influence + recruit those who have gone through similar experiences/tragedy

Takes them in and treats them like puppets to play out as a "family"

Or, leaves a messy crime scene, only taking the parts he needs from victims for his puppets

Hideout unknown. Boss of a fashion company

Is protected by a very notorious Parisian Mafia

Uses his puppets as mannequins

Has a long standing rivalry with a known assassin Shinya Kamihara

He became a villain because he was abandoned by his parents and society when he had a quirk malfunction and so he killed them and realised he enjoyed the feeling of freedom.

He acts insane, is incredibly scary when angry, but actually is a lot more clever and collected than he seems.

His scars are no longer healed and faded, he constantly makes them worse.

Edgeshot: (italics = image)

'Edgeshot' - Shinya Kamihara

Goes by many names

Extremely dangerous villain

Head of an organisation that trains assassins. Is an assassin himself

(sort of like yakuza but not quite i guess) [talking about vibes and style of thing]

Deals with things quickly and neatly

Created a massive base within the mountain behind his village. Has many branches

Rivalry with Tsunagu Hakamata

He became a villain after his village incident, after seeking immediate revenge and -at age 15- hunting down and killing the entire organisation behind the attack.

He gathered survivors from the attack/friends/others who have been wronged, and they formed a sort of. Group that trained and killed for money to survive.

Acts silent and deadly, is actually a lot more chaotic and sadistic than he seems.

His quirk has been overused many times, he has started to develop crease-like scars from where he has overused it (and almost died from)

Some other notes:

I'm sure it's obvious by now, I love a classic enemies/rivals to lovers dynamic. And the whole 'couple that tries to kill eachother but in an endearing way....sometimes...maybe'

But this one's a slightly different flavour

They have a past together, with them turning from enemies to besties-in-the-quiet

and then there was a big miscommunication where one of them disappeared for ages and came back and tried to kill the other for real

and now they are back to being rivals who regularly try to kill each other...but with a hint of:

Divorced couple dynamic, except they were never officially together and they actually still like each other

Basically, they hate each other but they don't hate each other

They have aspects in their designs that were given to them by the other in the past as a promise of their equality and acknowledgement of each other's strength as rivals

Shinya's is his dagger, given to him by Tsunagu and the case was stitched carefully by him- and also his lil arm guard things

Tsunagu's was his gloves and the flowy fabric wrap around long almost skirt thing, Shinya actually made them both from fabric from his family.

anyway. yes. they are insane and dangerous and bloodthirsty :)

(this was my original villain au, but then my actual villain au idea came and i changed this slightly to fit as a separate kind of villain au)

But thank you or asking!!! This is one of my favourite aus to think about their dynamic for some fun lol

Can't believe you'd come in and attack the pastry brain like this...betrayal.... /lh /j

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ferallester · 4 months

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fun fact if you look into my brain there’s a high chance that you’ll see d+p as magical catboys

I should probably do something with this concept, but for now:

precure au

I have had extensive thoughts on this au for a while but it’s a quarter past three in the morning, so I’ll hold off

For Now.

#the feral speaketh #I’ll spare the main tags LMAO #basic premise is they’re cure black and white 3.0 as night and day and it all starts in 2009 #I have the drawing skills of a tipsy manatee but maybe I’ll draw em… I just Know dan needs his gay sequin shirt

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maggiecheungs · 1 year

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hbd mr rahul @petekaos

the gifted graduation ep 12 x eden, ‘interlude’ || brokeback mountain 2005 x lemony to beatrice, the beatrice letters || dark blue kiss x goethe, ‘willkommen und abschied’ || thalapathi 1991 x செம்புலப் பெயனீரார் || moonlight 2016 x stray kids, ‘grow up’ || malila: the farewell flower 2017 x paper planes by gaystcr x ocean vuong, night sky with exit wounds || beyond evil ep 16 x krishna to arjuna, the mahabharata

#HELP this wasn’t what I was going to make 😭 it just kept growing by itself #just wanted to make you a silly little gay web weave and it turned into an angsty quadlingual nerd explosion 😔#which says a lot about both of us i think #it is an unfortunate fact of life that most of the things that make you go feral also make me go feral (:#also sorry I’m a few days late i was still really busy with REDACTED #😚😚😚#also for the last one i was going back and forth between different translations but i feel like grief and fear sre basically two sides of #the same coin and anyway the subtleties of the precise wording are overshadowed by the overwhelming love and devotion they contain......#hmmmm. feral! anyway #ANYWAY . happy belated birthday caro! may you always be happy healthy etc etc etc #your sheer enthusiasm for things and media is always inspiring and contagious and makes me :')#i love u lots and value ur presence in my life etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. despite all the bullying :/#this year pls remember to take care of urself as well as looking after other ppl 🔪#and say hi to ur mom for me ;))))#ellisedits #rahul tag

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theinfinitedivides · 5 months

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someone more coherent than me needs to write up a piece about the mirror imagery in Do Ha and Ri Ta/Young Hwa's relationship bc i am seeing it but i cannot make it make sense on paper

#tv: moon in the day #moon in the day #pyo ye jin #kim young dae #kdrama #local gay watches MITD.txt #local gay watches k-dramas.txt #there are so many mirror shots for them. so many mirror shots!!!!!#whether it's together in the actual mirrors (Silla ghost shots from childhood and mirror shot after the ramen in ep 11 you are everything #to me) or in water (pond!!!!! all of the pond shots) it's just. my brain is broken rn trying to describe it but it's there and it #makes me go feral

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ohmyoverland · 8 months

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fuck I had no idea I would feel so nostalgic rewatching Yuri!!! On Ice like 🥹

#personal log #the memories…#watching episodes week by week and talking about them the next day with my friend #going insane over the canon gay kiss when we all thought it would stay subtext #WHEN THE BANQUET TWIST WAS REVEALED. AND WE WENT FERAL #god hearing the theme song get plucked out on the piano in the hallway…#😭😭😭

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meetmeatthecoda · 9 months

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#hi #i know i'm not on tumblr much - or at all - anymore #and i hereby endeavor to change that!!#i'm committing to no longer just hopping on to silently scroll & instead actually blogging at least a little every day #by reblogging happy funny things that masquerade as 'content'#cause my blog is a silly little 'please touch' museum that i want to reopen #and also i WILL make my way back to lizzington soon!!#i swear!!#bc i want to.#but right now???#........i finished good omens season 2 #and surprise surprise i'm going FUCKING FERAL over those two gay men #soooooo u know #prepare for a barrage of that on your dash #and bear with me while i work thru the Glorious Feels #or enjoy bc you're also Suffering #and if you haven't watched the show & want to feel things??#don't hesitate #take the plunge #it's beautiful #thank you neil #<3 #good omens 2

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unmeiha-arc · 2 years

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❝ I wanted you to understand how I felt. 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦. But everyone… everyone keeps 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘺!

#❀ DYN ¸ FRAY 「 ♡ 」 more than you will ever know.#❀ VISUALS 「桜吹雪」 oh ¸ to die under a cherry tree in spring.#❀ VISUALS 「桜吹雪」 gpose.#❀ VISUALS 「桜吹雪」 all.#fellas is it gay to kiss the physical(?) manifestation of the darkness in your heart #day 34764295 of cece being feral over jp fray's dialogue

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dxringred · 2 years

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Who’s Lisa and Claire?

my [clenches fist] amazing, stupid ocs.

short answer: the lesbian protagonist (claire) of my book, and her self-loathing bisexual love interest (lisa). they're pulling the ultimate "oblivious mutual pining" angsty slowburn.

long answer: claire and lisa.

#ask #high tide #i could go feral over these two #could talk about 'em all fucking day #the gay losers

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terresdebrume · 2 years

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You wanna know why my knee jerk reaction to the "stop making everything gay" discourse that pops up on this site every now and then is to go 'fuck off and fuck you'?

It's because I have this friend who, most likely without particularly meaning to, almost always responds to me mentioning two guys on a show may have a smidge of a chance of becoming canon by saying it would be weird, or inconsistent, or by finding an article where the actors hem and haws about characters sexualities and 'you can see it both ways'

And you know what? A lot of the time shipping stuff is just wishful thinking because most tv doesn't go there but it's just... The automatic shooting down of the idea that frustrates me. At best it feels like this is is completely impossible in their mind, at worst it feels like they're looking for arguments to prove I can't possibly be right about characters being queer because... I don't know.

And like... It's not like they're the only one, is the thing. It's the way we'll meaning people try to explain that this is never going to happen in popular shows that isn't specifically about queer characters from the get go. That I'm delusional for daring to think that maybe, some days, the relationships that are built up with everything you need to make a good romantic relationship will actually have a romantic ending and it'll be about main characters and it'll be okay, even if they weren't established as queer from the start!

And frankly? That attitude is just hurtful and frustrating.

It's not even really about shipping--I have plenty of ships I have zero hope or expectation for them becoming canon, but it would be fucking nice, for once, to be able to say 'hey, this one actually might' and not be immediately met with disbelief and denial. Like. Sorry to the (few?) people on Tumblr who tried to use 'stop trying to make everything gay' as a 'there are other identities out there' (a completely valid sentiment) but that is overwhelmingly not the feeling behind that phrase as soon as you step out from behind the screen.... so yeah, I'm really, really not ready to perceive this specific phrase, or its behavioral equivalent, in any way other than a rebuttal for being too queer or too obsessed with queerness, at best.

#Matt has a life #Shit from home #I know I know queer coding still has its place #still will for a long time #It really does!#But it's still 2022 and I'm fucking tired of being met with resistance #every time I dare to say I think a m/m relationship could maybe possibly become canon #I mean FOR FUCK'S SAKE look at how people reacted to OFMD!#It's intensely and obviously framed as a love story from the beginning and the ONLY reason I didn't hold my breath #until Lucius said 'this is happening' is because I ALREADY KNEW Stede/Ed got canon #That's literally it #Otherwise it would hav e taken me THAT LONG to really believe the show intended to go down this road #So yeah the day I stop hearing 'stop making everything gay' and immediately go into feral cat mode is DEFINITELY not there #Urgh #I'm just.#Frustrated and annoyed #and also frustrated and annoyed at myself because I can't figure out if I'm overreacting like I know my family would say #or if this is a cumulation of things just exploding because I'm tired and bleeding from my fucking vagina #All I know is that it hurts even more during pride month and it stucks #ARUMPH GRUMPY GRUMP GRUMPING

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coolshadowtwins · 2 months

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I really like “Truth Serum” trope in fanficion, particularly in Svsss fanfic because I think it’s can be a number of things- funny, angst, sweet.

HOWEVER, I feel like there isn’t enough where SY gets Truth Serum-ed, and his romantic partner, martial siblings and/or disciples get to see his absolutely unhinged thoughts.

Like, sure, you get a system reveal out of this, but I also think this is funnier if the bit where SY isn’t SJ isn’t revealed makes this so much funnier.

It’s the trial and SY is made to tell the truth, except it’s his whole thought process tumbling out and he just can’t help ‘Peerless Cucumber’ ranting and tearing apart OPM in front of everyone like the internet troll he still is deep down. Yue Qingyuan is just letting this happen.

It’s post canon and Luo Binghe is subjected to his husband’s feral thought process about him, and how great he is, and how he is definitely not gay for marrying him because come on. Look at Binghe.

It’s during the years after the conference and Liu Qingge is having to hold a ranting SY back from making the demons who got them in this mess cry, because SY isn’t going just a little too hard in his rant. Also he keeps saying how pretty LQQ is but how everyone must think that jeez, which is not helping the situation.

It’s at any point and Mu Qingfang is pretending to have a normal conversation with SY, under the cover of getting this truth serum nonsense fixed. Except SY just keeps saying the wildest shit about his health and what he does to manage it and Mu Qingfang just wants him to keep going at this point to learn the medical things that SY would never admit on a normal day.

I know this might sound like a normal fanfic with this trope, but I just feel like I have never seen one where the people who care about SY are forced to witness him being a bastard internet troll that we all know he is.

Anyway if anyone had some fanfic recs, I would love some lol

EDIT: I made a post with the fics that have been rec’ed that can be found here!

#svsss #shen yuan #shen qingqiu #luo binghe #liu qingge #yue qingyuan #mu qingfang #scum villian self saving system #truth serum #fanfic

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emo-batboy · 6 months

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Battinson Guest Starring on TV Shows

For someone who holds the title of Richest Man in the World, Bruce doesn’t do a lot of traveling.

Which is to say he does a LOT of traveling, but he always tries to find a way out of it.

(Are there bat-related reasons for this? Are there people-related reasons for this? Are there anxiety-related reasons for this? Who knows?)

But partners and sponsors aren’t always going to tolerate his hermit-like tendencies. So once every month or so, Alfred wrangles Bruce into a private jet and sends him off to who knows where so he can represent the company.

Usually, it’s somewhere close on the East Coast, maybe it’s across the pond, even Asia isn’t off the table, but the rarest place to spot Bruce Wayne is actually the West Coast of the US.

One day, it is announced that Bruce Wayne will be spending two (count ‘em, 2) consecutive weeks in California with his kids for some grand business convention.

The West Coast media goes feral with the news, ESPECIALLY interviewers. And because Bruce kicks up such a fuss this time, Alfred has the gall to sign him up for FOUR TV appearances.

Here are these appearances :)

RuPaul’s Drag Race

Drag Queens, especially Drag Race all-stars, contribute to a wide variety of charities

So on a new episode, the queens are challenged to design and shoot a promotional ad for their own charity

And who better to act as a guest judge for this episode than the show’s largest benefactor, CEO of the Wayne Foundation, Bruce Wayne?!

Physically? He’s older than half of the contestants. But spiritually? He screams Baby Gay.

Fifteen minutes into the episode, Bruce is welcomed into the werkroom where he gives them pointers on their campaign. He’s in his cute little three-piece suit (Alfred’s idea) with the intention of looking put-together and knowledgeable. But that’s not the only outcome.

They all flirt with him. Everyone, single or taken. The confessionals are so thirsty.

“He’s lucky the cameras are on. Otherwise, I’d eat him up faster than a bachelorette party in a buffet line.”

“My celebrity crush is talking to me, and all I can focus on are his gorgeous eyes. How am I supposed to know what he's saying?”

Of course, they shoot their shot, but most of it is joking since they don't know he's bi yet.

“Are you single, honey?” Bruce blushes. “It’s complicated.” “Well, I’ll make it simple for you.”

We all know this man can't handle being flirted with. We saw how he froze when Selina did it. It’s like he mentally bluescreens when someone calls him a pet name.

Only THEN do they learn he's bi

One of the queens jokingly asks him, “Ever been with a man before?” thinking it would be a firm no, but Bruce says, “Actually, yes.” “Oh shit, really?” And to Bruce’s embarrassment, the whole room hears him.

The flirting is thus taken up a notch.

On the main stage, Bruce has a lot of great constructive criticism. He talks about how to find the right audience, the importance of a good slogan, and even goes on a little rant about logo design.

(You cannot convince me that Bruce hasn’t hyperfixated on the business of charity work before. Or the science of marketing. They’re his favorite business topics.)

After about three minutes of him complimenting one contestant for their Drag Library pitch, he stops himself mid-sentence and says, “Oh sorry, am I talking too much?” “No, please! Keep talking, sweetheart.” Bruce covers his face to hide his blush. “Why is everyone flirting with me?” “Baby, have you seen yourself?”

While the judges deliberate, RuPaul mentions Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent. Bruce nods along for a while then suddenly just blurts out, “Wait, does it spell ****?”

The judges pause then burst out laughing. “Oh no, we’ve traumatized him!" Bruce is blushing up a storm. “I just never thought about it like that!” “Sweet, innocent Bruce. We’re so sorry.”

It’s later revealed that Bruce offered to help some of the queens launch their charity projects through the Wayne Foundation.

It’s v cute 🥰

Nailed It!

I love Nicole Byer.

She is Mother.

In all seriousness, she’s so fucking funny and she’s personable enough to pull Bruce out of his shell a bit.

The theme for this episode is Found Family. Three pairs of family members compete together—a gay father and his adopted son, an aunt who adopted her niece, and a stepfather and stepdaughter.

Because Bruce Wayne famously adopted two children, he is invited to guest judge.

So Nicole opens the episode with a zinger, the contestants are introduced, and Bruce is welcomed onto the judge’s panel beside Nicole and Jacques.

(Yes, Bruce does speak French. Yes, Nicole makes a joke about it being hot.)

Nicole: “We were surprised you accepted our invitation, Mr. Wayne. You’re notorious for staying on the East Coast. What brought you to the Nailed It! Studio?” Bruce: “My children love this show. They always tell me I should be on it since I’m so bad at baking.” Nicole: “Really? Maybe we should do a celebrity season of Nailed It! and have you compete.” Bruce: “No, you should not.”

Nicole: “So, Bruce, I know you have a butler at home who bakes for you. But what’s the grossest thing you’ve eaten? Escargot? Bad caviar?” Bruce: “I drank olive oil straight from the bottle once.” Nicole: “…What?”

The problem for Bruce is he can’t say anything bad. It just feels mean :(

(And he would rather jump into oncoming traffic than gamble with a social interaction)

For the first challenge, the contestants make cake pops. But when Bruce tries the first one, there is a sickening crunch. Bruce’s eyes widen for a second and he slowly chews.

Nicole: “What was that? Bruce, are you okay?” Bruce, clearly struggling: “It’s…good.”

“Bruce, you can spit it out. It’s okay.” “I already swallowed it.” “Oh, you poor thing.” Bruce chokes for a second, and Nicole pats his back. “Please don’t die. We can’t afford it.”

For the big challenge, production has a surprise in store for Bruce.

Dick (9) and Jason (7) run onto the set and smother Bruce with a hug.

It’s adorable. Bruce no longer cares about paying attention, okay? His kids are here :D

The two boys read from cue cards to announce the second challenge: a three-tiered Gotcha Day cake. And as per tradition, the winner of the first challenge gets a leg-up.

This time, it’s a Helping Hands Button. When they hit the button, Dick and Jason will run over and help them for three minutes. (While being supervised, of course.)

As the contestants bake, Nicole says hello to Dick and Jason, who are clambering all over Bruce like a jungle gym. They both shake her hand and talk about how they love the show.

Nicole looks pointedly at the two empty chairs beside Bruce. “You know, we brought these chairs for you two to sit in.” Dick, on Bruce’s shoulders: “We’re fine, Ms. Byer!” Nicole: “Ms. Byer? Oh, you’re a cutie, aren’t you?”

Just ten minutes before the challenge is over, the Helping Hands button is pressed, and Dick and Jason are given stools so they can help the aunt and niece stack their cake tiers.

Two minutes in, the aunt instructs them to let go of the cake. But the moment Jason pulls his hands away, the cake topples over and covers him in frosting. Jason, whispering: “Oh f*ck.” Bruce: “Jason!” Jason: “I didn’t say that! Dick did!” Nicole: *cackling as Bruce buried his face in his hands*

Jason gets cleaned up, and Dick helps them stack what can still be salvaged.

When Wes brings out the trophy, he’s dressed as Batman. Dick and Jason gets a kick out of that.

Celebrity Family Feud

Bruce was invited to the show after his SNL skit went viral a few months ago

This episode, the teams are split up by cities they grew up in. Gotham v. Star City. Naturally, his team is playing for the Wayne Foundation.

It’s a pretty odd cast of people, most of them having moved to LA or Hollywood. Bruce is the only one to still live in Gotham.

They have fun, though, despite their limited common ground. The audience has a few good laughs.

(Some at Bruce's expense)

Harvey: You're a very wealthy man, Mr. Wayne. What do you really do in that tower all day? Bruce: I, uh…business? Harvey: …You business. Bruce: ……Wait-

All in good fun. Bruce just vibes in his little corner until he needs to answer a question. It's pretty chill.

For exactly half of the episode.

Then it happens.

Steve Harvey takes two people from each team up to the buzzer and says, “We asked 100 people: Name something your parents always told you as a kid.”

What the production failed to consider is how this particular question might be a sensitive topic for some contestants.

Bruce’s team gets the question, and Steve saunters up to Bruce, completely oblivious.

“Alright, Bruce Wayne!” Bruce nods awkwardly. “Hi, Steve.” “Bruce, what’s wrong? You’re looking a bit uncomfortable.” “…I don’t like this question, Steve.” “Why not?” Bruce just gives him a desperate look, and it clicks. “Oh! Oh my gosh!”

Let’s be real. Bruce is awkward enough, but Steve Harvey cannot save an awkward moment for his life either.

But he tries his best anyway and asks, “Are you okay with answering this question, or would you like to pass?” Bruce nods frantically. “I can answer. ‘I love you.’” “I love you too, Mr. Wayne.” “No, uh, my answer is ‘I love you.’” “Oh! That’s a good one.”

Thankfully, the audience erupts in laughter. That little interaction cuts the tension, and Bruce’s answer ends up on the board.

And by god, the memes

“I love you too, Mr. Wayne” is the new “Enjoy your meal.” “You too.”

The audio clip of “I don’t like this question, Steve” goes viral on TikTok

Someone gets a pic of Bruce and Steve looking at each other with palpable fear in their eyes, and it makes its rounds all over Twitter

10/10 never again

Running Wild with Bear Grylls

Now this is the most challenging. Not because it’s difficult, of course. But because Bruce has to look stupid enough to maintain his Brucie Wayne persona but smart enough to keep himself safe.

For this episode, Bear takes Bruce to the California desert.

“How much do you know about survival, Bruce?” Bear asks. Bruce nods carefully. “I did some survival training once with a friend from boarding school.” “Oh really, how did you do?” “Fine, I think.”

This is, of course, his way of saying I trained with a league of assassins for years, but Bear can’t know that! And that’s how most of the episode goes.

Thank god Bruce's fear of being caught is mistaken for being scared of the physical challenge because every time Bear points out how well he’s doing, he breaks into a sweat.

Bear: For a businessman, you’re surprisingly fit. Bruce, sweating bullets: Oh, this is all just for show.

Bear: Wow, you’re a natural. Are you sure you’ve never set up a zip-line before? Bruce, gripping his equipment so tight he gets rope burn: I think it’s just the survival instincts.

Of course, he pretends to be out of breath a few times. The Drama.

Bruce, pretending to slip and fall: Ouch! Who knew the outdoors were so dangerous? Bear, you are crazy. Bruce, internally: How much longer are we doing this?

Bruce being a vegetarian is actually a point of contention. You see, Bear always makes their celebrity guests do something crazy for food like skin a snake or eat a mouse. Scavenging for berries just doesn’t grab the audience’s attention.

But do you know what is vegetarian?

Bear: Now, in extreme cases of survival, it’s not rare for humans to resort to drinking their own pee. That’s what we’ll be doing in a moment. Are you up for it? Bruce, visibly repulsed: I’ve had Gotham tap water. I’ll be fine.

How on God’s Green Earth did Alfred convince him to do this?

To get to the extraction point, Bear takes Bruce down a cliffside.

Bear shows Bruce the meticulous process of properly belaying from the top of a cliff, and Bruce, who has done this over 100 times is like, “Wow that’s so dangerous :( Will we be okay?”

He really tries to ramp up his acting skills this time.

(Little does he know that’s not necessary.)

Bruce goes down first as Bear belays with a cameraman filming from the top. Halfway down, Bruce hears a scuffle, and the cameraman yells, “F*ck!”

Bruce looks up, arms already out for protection, and he sees a small disk falling towards him. It’s the lens cap. He catches it on instinct.

For a second, he thinks, “Shit, was that too skilled? That’s not enough to make people think I’m Batman, right? I just caught it in midair while dangling from a cliff. That’s totally not weird and suspicious. Normal people do that—“

Then Bear yells, “Bruce, drop it!” Bruce looks up at Bear, confused. “Why?” “There's a scorpion!” That’s when Bruce looks at the lens cap and sees a black scorpion perched on top with its tail ready to strike.

They don’t have those in Gotham.

Bruce jumps in his harness and flings the cap at the rocky cliffside. He hears a crunch, and the scorpion and cap tumble to the ground. Bruce frowns. Can a scorpion survive that drop?

“You just killed a scorpion, mate!” Bear cries. Bruce looks up in horror. “I killed it?!” “Hell yeah!” Bruce’s face falls. “No!”

Because oh. shit.

Bruce just killed something. The sad, orphaned vegetarian just killed a scorpion.

Bruce has a meltdown.

He didn’t mean to kill it!!!! Oh no, he just killed an innocent little creature. Yeah, he punches people for fun sometimes, and he definitely put a few violent criminals in the hospital, but he’s never committed MURDER!!

This poor little scorpion died due to his own negligence, and he feels so so so bad about it.

Bruce is a mess as he climbs the rest of the way down.

Bruce, cradling the scorpion’s body: I don’t know how to perform CPR on a scorpion! Bear: Bruce, you took its head clean off. Bruce: *sad noises*

Legit inconsolable. To him, it’s like he just murdered a puppy

Once they're out, Bear is trying to cheer him up. Bless him.

Bear: We’ve conquered the wild! Haven’t we, Bruce? Bruce, head between his legs, still mourning the scorpion: I’m never going outside again.

Yeah, no one’s going to think he’s Batman after that.

And that's all four of Bruce's TV appearances from the West Coast :) Dick and Jason never let him live any of it down. Alfred is almost sorry. (He is not sorry.)

Let me know your thoughts! What other TV shows do you think Battinson would appear on as a guest?

Okie dokie :D Love y'all! Have a good day <3

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