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doitwritenow · 4 years

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IronStrange Starter Kit - Master Fic Rec List for all Y’all Because You’ve been Asking and I’ve been Avoiding

Hi! All you anons and askers, I made a list!!! Hopefully some of these are what you’ve been after. :D

(Please reblog this, lol, I spent too much time on it...)

General rules: These are complete unless indicated otherwise, and end happily unless indicated otherwise. There’s a variety of ratings, as I have no qualms against smut, but I don’t usually read it outside of a larger plot. So I don’t think there’ll be many explicit stories on here. Word counts vary; I indicate general length but don’t go into specifics. What else, uh... Bold stuff is the headers and general subjects. I link the titles. Block quotes are author summaries. Enjoy!!

Okay so first off, there are a couple of Fandom Staples who just have leagues worth of good short stories, and if you haven’t read them, then definitely treat yourself to the array:

A Thousand Futures of Me and You - VisionaryGalaxy (Vishanti, what a legend, ily so much). This is a series of unconnected one-shots, each their own and covering a variety of tropes and moments and themes and AUs. They’re so fun (and/or painful and/or thought-provoking and/or tense and/or sexy)! In-character and amazing, consistantly.

Prompt Collection - amethyst-noir (Arbonne). (Also a legendary human). This is exactly what it sounds like: a series of prompt fills in all sorts of tones. You’ll almost certainly find something here that feels like it was just made for you!

Alright, onto the individual stories and series!

Long fics/series:

The of overqualified hands and pi figures series - lantia4ever. (This was my first Ironstrange story, and it is no less magical now.)

A series of one-shots, all set in the same alternate verse in which Tony and Stephen first meet following the events of the first Avengers and then continue to meet after that throughout the canon up until Infinity War and eventually beyond it. Becoming friends - and more along the way.

Time After Time - fancylances. (I love love LOVE this one. Highly recommended.)

Tony Stark is unstuck in time. Stephen Strange might just be the only person in the universe qualified enough to help.

Citizen Erased - Imagined. (This author. Just... such a wonderful, talented, stunning person who makes wonderful, talented, stunning works. This story is masterful.)

What do you do when no one in the world ever manages to remember you?

Anyone who sees Tony Stark promptly forgets he ever existed after mere seconds. When everyone he has ever cared about has lost their memories of him, he goes to Stephen Strange, possibly the only one who can help him lift the curse. But a terrifying danger is coming, and saving the world isn’t an easy job to do when no one can remember who you are.

if only the gods had mercy on us and it’s sequel a soul too deep - orphan_account. (Vishanti, this series... It’s so beautiful and emotional and heart-breaking and heart-warming. And it has so few views for so many words! One of my absolute favorites, VERY highly recommended.)

Tony Stark loved Stephen Strange. He loved him more than anyone could ever imagine. But then a terrorist group attacked the convoy. Then there was a car accident. In the middle of it all, there is tired, battered love. (And, maybe, a little bit of genius)

From the Top - lucifersfavoritechild. (Everyone reads this fic. Written by the blogger Monarch Of The Ironstrange Ship, it’s an MCU rewrite around the relationship. Very fun.)

“Stephen, if you’re . . . there somewhere . . . when I drift off, I’ll be with you again. I can’t wait.”

|| Personally, I think the MCU would be much better as a love story between Stephen Strange and Tony Stark. Don't you?

Starting from Iron Man, and going all the way to Endgame, with all the appropriate stops in between. Let's take it from the top.

UNFINISHED: Skin Deep - Mystical_Magician. (Super cool premise, and super interesting to read! The dynamic here is very fun.)

A battle that should have finally killed Stephen instead launches him into a parallel universe. Exhausted from centuries as Sorcerer Supreme, he chooses instead to explore this new world in any animal form except human. Having hoped for peace at last, he can't stand to be looked up to, to be responsible for others, to have the world on his shoulders.

If he'd hoped to avoid excitement, however, he really should have stayed away when he noticed an enormous explosion and a falling metal suit of armor as he passed through Afghanistan.

UNFINISHED: The End of Infinity - FriendlyNeighborhoodFangirls. (Self rec. Very long, very slow-burn. Canon-compliant Endgame fix-it. I’m trying so hard, lol.)

In 2023, the battle for the universe has been won. At a cost no one can forget, the fight is over—for all but one. Stephen Strange has an idea. An impossible idea spanning dimensions and timelines, life and death, and the lines of good and evil. But he's played impossible odds before—perhaps he never stopped.

All that Loki wanted was to fight, one last time, for the fate of his universe. So when he finds himself fighting for another, crashing into the past, he has a few intended words for the wizard that forced him there. But not before he finds a boy. Or, more accurately, before the boy finds him.

Peter Parker had been waiting for the next mission. He just doesn't expect it to come from the future, armed with a ridiculous story demanding a ridiculous quest. And he doesn't expect not to be able to tell Mr. Stark.

Tony Stark is trying to rebuild from the Civil War, knowing that someday, something will come that he needs to be ready for. And he doesn't know it yet, but two universes are trying to rebuild around him, and that something is already here.

Seven Stones. Five dead. Two universes. And one impossible quest to tie it all back together.

UNFINISHED: Sunrise in Exile - Ragdoll (Keshka). (Another fandom favorite! And for good reason. This is really really good!)

Tony does the math and realizes their best chance to save the universe is by... not confronting Thanos on his own turf.

So he steals a wizard and a spider and a space ship. And he runs.

(Three humans and an A.I in space, the alien friendships they make along the way, and discovering how science and magic might coexist in a universe where they can be one and the same.)

Shorter plotty ones:

Out of Suffering - Mystical_Magician. (So this author??? THIS AUTHOR??? Very very good, much yes, very good.)

Stephen Strange does not like people, but 14,000,605 lifetimes of fighting and dying alongside this small group have worn down his walls. He likes them, gods help him. He might even consider them friends. It’s really for the best that they all go their separate ways once Thanos has been defeated. In their eyes, he’s barely even an acquaintance.

Now if only Tony and Peter would stop surprising him.

moros - spookykingdomstarlight. (Almost got a spot in the angst section. Very good).

There were fourteen million universes Stephen had birthed into existence and let die and, in far more than he cared to count, the visitor standing before him had become something… dear.

Shaking is Caring - mariadperiad20. (This is just STUNNING. Highly loved.)

5 times Stephen's hands would shake, +1 time they didn't.

It's Kinda Chalky - DestielsDestiny. (This one’s pretty short, but definitely worth it.)

You can live an entire lifetime by looking into someone’s eyes. His sister used to say that all the time. Stephen never gave it much thought back then. These days, he can think of little else.

Something Magic - Imagined. (Beautiful!)

There is only ever one rule that matters:

do not fall in love with the enemy.

An Idiotic Theory - FriendlyNeighborhoodFangirls. (Self rec! I tried to be funny.)

His wizard has been cursed, again, and Tony's already used up his luck for the day.

(Stephen says it's not a curse. He says Tony's whole daily-allotted karma-based luck theory has minimal merit, citing the fact that Tony had come up with it while he was drunk.)

Tony really should have saved his miracle.

Love Through Time - babywarg (morphaileffect). (I love this one. It sticks with you.)

Tony discovers an old drawing of, and finally remembers, his invisible friend Stephen from when he was a child.

Alternates - doobler. (Super cool!)

After being punked by a lowbrow magician, Stephen finds himself falling through doors to otherwordly dimensions. How will he ever get home?

132 - 28ghosts. (Soulmate AU! Very fun, incorporates Stephen’s time-loop with Dormammu.)

Ninety-nine point eight percent of humans have a soulmate mark that tells them the age their soulmate will be when they meet them. Tony Stark has a mark. It's just that his is...different than most people's.

(Or: six people who aren't Tony Stark's soulmate, and one who is.)

and when the world falls (I will fall with it) - HeavenChild. (Another multichap soulmate AU. Absolutely lovely.)

Tony will give anything to those he loves.

People will take everything he gives before leaving him in shambles.

Rhodhey, Pepper and Vision have had enough.

Or the five times Tony had his heart broken and the one time he didn't.

i saw the end of the world - JumpToConclusions. (Why has no one read this fic??? It’s so good!!! Stephen knows the future since he saw it on Titan, and things grow more complex from there.)

Tony and Strange are trying to make this work, this being remaking The Avengers. ...And maybe they'll stumble into something else along the way.

Tiresome heart, forever living and dying - Mystical_Magician. (R e a d t h i s p l e a s e. The mythology is so cool and the symbolism is so beautiful and the prose is so satisfying. One of my absolute faves.)

As a fledgling crane, Stephen was too curious for his own good, and it was this curiosity that led to Eugene Strange finding and stealing away his feather robe. Trapped in human form, cruelly forged into the perfect son, not even his father's death freed him when his robe was so well hidden. He only managed to break his father's mold after breaking completely in the aftermath of his accident, and slowly gluing those broken pieces back together at Kamar-Taj, but not even magic could find what had been hidden. Enter Tony, after the defeat of Thanos.

Fluffy ones:

From The Outside - Live. (Hilarious.)

Being a sentient life-form surrounded by humanity can be hard. Especially when said humans just can't admit their feelings for each other.

Sleeping Iron Man - Golden_Asp. (Another fun one. Perfect balance of ridiculousness with a touch of angst to make it interesting.)

Stephen Strange stared at the Avengers on his doorstep, Tony Stark flung over Steve Rogers' shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "He touched something, didn't he?" "Yuup." or The one where Tony touches Sleeping Beauty's spindle, is put into an enchanted sleep, and everyone, even Rocket Raccoon, take their turn kissing him. But Tony only has one prince charming.

Doctor Ob(li)vious - lantia4ever. (One of my very favorites. So cute.)

Stephen starts getting some weird looks from the Avengers, spanning across disturbed, confused and even scared all the way to curious. He dismisses it at first until weird turns into knowing.

And knowing turns into realizing...even if the scheming teenagers had to all but paint it on the walls for him to do so. Oh wait...

Applied Combinatorics in Two-Player Games - 28ghosts. (Short and fun and full of snark.)

After a battle, Tony Stark and Stephen Strange argue about games.

“Chess is not a solved problem.”

“Has been since ‘97, Kasparov versus Deep Blue. Kasparov, 1; Deep Blue, 2; three draws.”

“Chess is a game, not a problem.”

The Courtship of Peter Parker's Father (Figures) - flyingonfeatherlesswings. (Peter plays matchmaker! Adorable.)

Peter couldn't stand to sit by while Tony and Stephen danced around each other any longer. Something had to be done.

Speaking Eyes - Vrishchika. (Not Steve Friendly. Tony is amazing in this. And Stephen is so fantastically dramatic.)

Tony has always had expressive eyes.

The Signs of Sleep Deprivation - FriendlyNeighborhoodFangirls. (Another self-rec. <3)

"Tony said to put the potato in the dishwasher, so that's what I did."

Sometimes, Avengers just show up to say hi. Sometimes, they all show up at once, and Tony makes an party out of it. Sometimes, he invites the snarky, oblivious, somewhat insecure wizard because, and Peter quotes: "everyone else is coming".

Sometimes, something needs to be done.

Show Me Your Scars (And I'll Show You Mine) - Imagined. (Adorable. Lovely. Imagined does it again.)

The worst part is that Stephen keeps tucking his hands away, just as Tony wants to hold them. He keeps hiding them, surreptitiously, no matter what they’re doing. It’s only when Tony kisses Stephen, or hugs him, that he feels the hands settle on his back, uncertain, ready to pull back within seconds.

It only makes him want to cuddle up to Stephen even more, but he backs away, not sure if it’d be welcome.

Promise? Promise. - sharonscarters. (AU, kidfic, absolutely adorable.)

A four year old Tony Stark runs away from home and finds his Guardian Angel.

What The Doctor Ordered - wakandan_wardog. (Post CW. Kind of not Rogues friendly? So fun, makes me smile. I re-read this one a lot.)

The Rogue Avengers are called back to New York because the heavy hitters are going to be needed against Thanos. Of course, there are some truths that Steve Rogers will need to accept sooner rather than later. Tony Stark has moved on and Stephen Strange will not suffer fools lightly.

Hurt/Comforty ones:

Among The Chaos of The Stars (You're My Safe Harbour) - ShootMeDead. (Oh my vishanti. OH MY VISHANTI. So so so so SO good.)

Stephen has always been able to hear the stars. Tony is the only one who can silence them.

each night like a white noise frequency - Phierie. (I ADORE THIS FIC. OKAY. I LOVE IT. READ IT.)

Stephen is no stranger to making hard choices. He doesn’t regret his actions on Titan, but months later they weigh on his mind heavier than ever; the cracks begin to show.

Just An Accident - CucumbersInGold. (I really like fics with Stephen’s hands and the difficulties thereabout. Idk, just one of my favorite things. This is beautiful).

Stephen's hands act up.

Learning, Unlearning - Caaaaaaas. (More character study than anything else. Really good.)

Whatever Stephen wanted with life, life just didn’t seem to know what to do with him.

In which Stephen learns and unlearns some very important lessons.

your eyes have their silence - doctortwelfth. (Oh look it’s another scars fic. I told you I liked them.)

Tony is gentle with Stephen’s hands even when Stephen forgets to be.

Burning Lines Into The Snow - petroltogo. (Not very Steve friendly. Short and sweet.)

Post CW: It's not just the team that's so broken they are barely able to comprehend how many parts they're missing now, how many have been ripped and twisted and torn. It's Tony as well, right down to the core, the damage so far-reaching even he doesn't know how to fix it.

And then there's Strange, who has his own way of covering the cracks.

Old Bones - CJtheWeeb. (Owch. Dumb geniuses trying to be invulnerable.)

Sometimes Stephen Strange has great days, where he was nearly pain free and his hands still enough to where he could pick up a cup of water and barely spill a drop.

Today was not one of those days.

something taken, something new - meowrails. (So in-character. The premise was a little off to me, but I’m so glad I decided to read this one. I really really like this fic.)

The ChronicConnection implement and app allows a person that lives with chronic or illness-induced pain to transfer their burden temporarily to a willing loved one.

Tony and Stephen sign up as beta testers.

Angsty ones (happy ending unless otherwise mentioned):

day one - days4daisy. (THIS IS SO GOOD OKAY IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE ON THIS LIST READ THIS).

Three days in Stark Tower. Stephen must be in bad shape if he just agreed to this.

His Merlin - babywarg (morphaileffect). (This author keeps showing up on this list because they are A LEGEND. A LEGEND I TELL YOU.)

As a child, Tony imagined himself a Knight of the Round Table. Little did he know he would grow up to be a king. And that he would have a wizard by his side to lead him to either glory or destruction.

there is no heart for me like yours - turtle_abyss. (Soulmate AU! Wonderful. <3)

Being able to feel your soulmate - a phantom touch, a bone-deep awareness - is a divine torture. To know, but not see. To seek, but not find. To feel someone holding your hand and not be able to hold theirs.

Grace - StrangeMischief. (*cries in beautiful fic* Happy ending!)

“Pain’s an old friend.”

Us...Me - StrangeMischief. (This will hurt you. So melancholy. Pepper and Tony live their life, and Tony remembers. Not a happy ending.)

“I don’t believe in happily ever after.”

One-Thousand Cranes - FriendlyNeighborhoodFangirls. (Self rec, sorry. Hopeful ending.)

After it all, a man with shaking hands makes a wish.

courtesy - deathofglitter. (Dealing with the fourteen-million futures. So good.)

Stark looked at him like he looked at the amulet that rested on his chest like a steady promise - dutiful, a bit burdened, and trying to hold a profound lack of personal emotion whatsoever, still personal enough to protect as anyone would a precious object.

La Douleur Exquise - BananasofThorns, StrangeMischief. (More pain. Pepper and Tony, and Stephen watching and trying not to wish. Very good, no happy ending.)

The before was easy. There were fewer boxes in their minds and no chains around their hearts. There was no hurt. No tears. No dreams.

But those days were long gone.

Stigmata - babywarg (morphaileffect). (AU! Soulmates again. Very interesting, beautifully done.)

Since Stephen was little, mysterious wounds have appeared and disappeared on his body, leaving mysterious scars. His mother says it's because he's one of a Pair, and he's absorbing pain meant for someone else.

*wipes brow* PHEW! That gotta a little more in-depth than I first intended... Have fun, my MysticIron friends. Happy quarantine.

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fymagnificentwomcn · 4 years

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What are your thoughts about Silhatar Mustafa?

Mhm pretty much indifferent to him, but as many, deserved so much better?

I mean later on he was horrible, but he wasn’t himself anymore following Gevherhan’s death and his disastrous marriage to Atike.

When we meet him we know he’s Murad’s best friend and has a reputation as ladies man, seems like a guy seriously devoted to his work, but having a messy private life lol.

The person he seems most attached to was Murad, we see he is very much concerned about his well-being and happiness, for example he is very glad seeing Murad being happy after a ride with Farya (later changes his attitude towards her after the pig incident). He also has a soft spot for Ayşe (in platonic sense), which mirrors Ibrahim’s fondness for Mahi due to being treated as part of their family (and this relationship stays strong until the end, even in her last episode, he pleads on her behalf with Murad).

It’s clear he and Kösem aren’t great friends, but they both have learned how to co-operate with each other for Murad’s sake, he also seems to have similar relations with the rest of family – there doesn’t seem to be exceptional closeness between him and the rest of the family other than Murad, but everybody manages to get along.

The show starts when Mu/rat loses his previous main male favourite (and I don’t intend here any romantic undertons either ahaha) aka Musa, and Silahtar is given his position. In later flashback scene we see what Mu/rat expects of him – absolute loyalty. Obviously Musa has left big shoes to fill in and Silahtar is undoubtedly aware of this.

Suddenly Silahtar’s professional life and his messy private life intersect because he gets caught between two sultanas – one which he begins to have feelings for and the other who begins chasing after him for a change.

He was well aware Gevherhan might be too far above him and perhaps got scared about having for the first time real feelings for a woman, so he entered into what he thought a casual relationship with Ester. However, he could have sensed that Ester wanted something more, she was pretty vocal about bearing her loneliness aka widowhood badly and wanting to have someone by her side long-term. Then he actually did decide to pursue Gev and like he said start a new chapter with his life, close the previous messy private life and start anew with the woman he truly loved. He also intended to immediately come clean to Mu/rat and ask for Gev’s hand, even at the risk of being executed.

Ironically, what proved to be an obstacle was not where he actually was at fault (Ester), but where he was innocent (Atike).

As I said, Ester serves here as foil to Atike – she has much better reasons to be bitter and want revenge, but ultimately she draws a line and leaves the matter. And LBR nobody would have cared so much about her as about a sultana… but this sultana is lying, even if she herself believes in her delusions.

The whole situation truly gives me Atonement vibes, and as in Atonement it has a bad ending, but here it gets a bit more complicated because of Silahtar’s love and loyalty being connected also with another person – Murad.

I said it multiple times – in the end the real love triangle is Silahtar-Gevherhan-Murad.

As I mentioned in the beginning, from beginning Silahtar is very protective of his friend and sultan and also wants to do as best as he can in his job. He is also a bit naïve about Murad – during the Kasim matter, he scolds Kemankeş for having helped Kösem hide the truth, but he himself has no bad intentions and does not want Kasim hurt – he believes Murad will not pursue the matter as far as he ultimately does.

Similarly, he makes digs at Kemankes to not switch sides for Kösem’s.

When he asks Murad for Gev’s hand, he is sure his friend will treat him at least justly. But boy he was disappointed. Murad doesn’t even ask him about the whole matter and trusts Atike blindly. Then puts him in that praying cell to make Silahtar understand that the most important thing in his life is his padişah and absolute loyalty to him.

To make matters worse, once Silahtar is released from prison, his “friend” decides to complete the “lesson” with “absolute loyalty test” – marry Atike.

Murad is well aware Silahtar does not love Atike and does not want to marry her. He actually uses his beloved (?) little sis and traps her in marriage that has no chances of being ever happy to test Silahtar’s loyalty.

And Silahtar, traumatised and brainwashed by everything – chooses loyalty to Murad. Of course if he had said no, he would have been executed (though Gev would have more strength to live seeing he didn’t abandon her), but he still chooses a sad life trapped in his private life with a woman he now despises… what is left is truly only Murad and his service to him.

In a way, it’s strange that following Gev’s demise Silahtar becomes obsessed with the person who caused him this misery – but at the same he lost everything, all he has left is Murad, he made his choice, chose Murad, so now all he can do is stick to his choice and save what he still has.

When Murad comes to Silahtar when the latter is mourning Gevherhan we see he has learned his lessons by now – Murad is distraught because his mother told him he was guilty of his sister’s suicide, so Murad (as always) makes his friend’s pain be about him and asks whether it’s true. Silahtar now knows what answer Murad expects and states that “all our lives and our paths, life and death, belong to you” and remarks that if Gev had accepted Murad’s will as we all should, she would have been alive. It’s deeply sad to state, but Silahtar knows Murad truly wants no other answer than this. However, before Murad’s appearance, Silahtar recalled telling Gev that only she made him feel alive and now he tells Murad he is practically dead and trapped in his life, and that he needs to live with his pain and regret forever. He actually says similar thing to Atike - yes, he chose loyalty to Murad over the woman he loved and now has to bear the consequences for the rest of his life. Atike, of course, does not get it and still belives they might have a happy ending.

It’s a very dark reality for him now, no wonder he pretty much loses his mind out of this grief, and it only gets worse because he realises Atike will never divorce him and will not even rest until he tries to be a husband to her.

When he comes to her and they “kiss” he taunts her to divorce him and sees that even when he mocks her she’s so obsessed with him, she won’t go let go no matter what. Kösem actually would be happy to see Atike divorcing Silahtar because we know she never liked him, the only obstacle is Atike’s obsession. So later he tries to play the husband part even though it’s clear he continues to despise her.

Ironically, he develops sort of his own obsession, but with Murad. Pretty much tries to remove everyone around Murad and most sadly tries to turn Murad against his mother and brothers. He suggests both changing the law and putting Murad’s brothers to kafes, which is an action very uncharacteristic of his old self. Still, it’s clearly not a vendetta against Murad because we see he still clearly cares about him, e.g. when he hides from him the fact that Farya (whom he strongly dislikes) had connection with Murad’s children death. He does confide it in Kösem though because he knows that while she will scold Farya, she will also keep quiet not to cause Murad any more pain. It again proves that while these two never liked each other much, they were able to set their differences aside for Murad’s sake.

This is not just restricted to his family, but also to Murad’s other men – Abaza, Kemankeş – because he shows Murad the letter from Kösem to Kemankes not only to strike at her, but to make Murad doubt Kemankeş too and he taunts Kemankeş with being Kösem’s spy (which is true because now Kemankeş is reporting Kösem Murad’s tyrannical behaviour, the opposite of what he was sent to Kösem, I love this irony sm ngl)

Kemankeş however is not interested in becoming Murad’s male favourite, but a new serious rival pops up – Yusuf. And a new triangle emerges 😊 Silahtar cannot hide his jealousy at all, even Atike notices it, though as always she mistakes it as him being jealous of her, same with Kemankeş who taunts Silahtar that Yusuf’s relationship with Murad curiously resembles his relationship with “someone else”.

I really despair we didn’t get more of Silahtar/Yusuf/Murad thing NGL, but I’m sure it would have gone this way if Caner had not left the show, I doubt Silahtar would have ever abandoned Murad at that stage, especially since historically he was his most loyal man until the end (“the person who was always loyal and genuinely attached to him since his youth” as Du Loir suggests) and was even in terrible despair upon Murad’s death, sooo.

In short again, he’s not among my fave characters, but he truly deserved so much better because he was living in actual hell and dark place later on, and ironically Murad was well aware of this as he remarked over his body that “for some people living is so painful, they feel trapped and in chains, death is actually relief for them, and only those who remain suffer” (aka exact repetition of what Sil told Murad about Gev following her death).

- Joanna

#Anonymous #answered #silahtar mustafa pasha #magnificent century: kosem #murad iv #gevherhan sultan #atike sultan #ester kira #muhteşem yüzyıl kösem #mck #mods opinions

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rikorene · 4 years

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𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮? // Lev Haiba x reader

[ a/n : i’m so sorry for posting this late @thegreatoikawa huhu but i do hope you appreciate it. this is definitely one of my fave works hehe. thank you for requesting! <3 ]

genre: fluff.

warnings: just a few curse words.

it was just like a dream. you sat up still a bit sleepy and looked around, when you noticed that you were in your own bedroom you breathed out a sigh of relief.

strangely, you've been having this hyper-realistic dreams that freaked you out, you were inside of a body of a very unfamiliar and foreign looking boy. he was tall, pale, had these cat-like emerald eyes, he someone that you didn't know.

at class, the whole room stared at you for a couple of moments and you wondered what did you do for them to stare at you like you just sprouted another head.

"hey, you alright now y/n?" your friend yamaguchi asked you, and you tilted your head to the side.

"huh??"

"you were acting awfully strange yesterday, like you were completely out of it! you didn't even remember my name." yamaguchi explained to you, and in return you just stared at him with a confused expression on your face.

"HUHHH??"

"it was like you were somebody else." tsukishima, another friend of yours, stated. his golden eyes staring into yours with his usual poker face on. and with that, yamaguchi nodded in agreement to what tsukishima said.

you scratched the back of your head, now that they've mentioned it, you didn't think that you remembered clearly what happened yesterday. the teacher walked in and all of you returned to your proper seating arrangements. you were still weirded out by the fact that you had this weird dream and was even more confused on what tsukishima and yamaguchi pointed out.

you took out your notebook and opened it, there it was, several drawings of cats on your perfectly clean notebook. and you didn't even doodle nor did you like cats THAT much. you flipped your notes over and over and saw more cats and random doodles of a volleyball. you thought that maybe tsukishima and yamaguchi was pranking you, saying stuff that would further confuse your mind. then you came across a page, there was a question there written in big letters.

" あなたは誰？" (who are you?)

okay now this was definitely weird. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ "HUH? I never did any of those!" Lev pointed out to kuroo who just stared at him with his arms crossed, it was a regular practice at nekoma. but this time, kuroo and yaku was talking to lev about yesterday's practice.

"uh huh... you were like a whole new person yesterday. you were weirding everyone out with your shy and timid attitude. even the coach was worried about you!" yaku explained and it made lev tilt his head with a very confused expression, he furrowed his eyebrows as he squinted his eyes at yaku. not believing a word he said.

"i think that all of you are pranking me! even alisa was saying how weird i was 'yesterday'!" he replied, looking down at them as he crossed his arms against his chest. yaku, in reply, kicked lev on his shin making lev lose all the feelings in his legs and drop down, and yaku stomped away huffing at lev.

"as fun as it may sound, it's basically pranking you. so you better get your shit together, lev." kuroo said and walked away with his hands on his hips, lev grunted as he sat down.

just what on earth is exactly happening right now? ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ you opened your eyes and realized that you were in an unfamiliar room. you were having the same dream once more, you sat up and looked around with a sigh. you thought at how ridiculous it was and pinched the bridge of your nose.

you stood up and went into the bathroom, looking at the mirror, just as you had thought. you were in a dream once more, trapped in a body of a boy with dark emerald eyes and silver hair almost similar to the color of your upperclassman's hair. with a deep sigh you went and got ready for school without looking as a deep blush made it's way to your face.

'oh gods, when will this dream end?'

at school, you had a difficult time going there, bumping into a raven haired man once more who greeted you.

"lev! don't be late for today's practice, yeah?" he said, wrapping an arm around your tall figure and you nervously played with your bag strap, nodding in response. kuroo laughed at you and slapped your shoulder, leaving and went with his friends to go to their class.

classes were boring, to pass the time you wrote in a your experience at school. 'i have no idea why am i having this dream and why this feels extremely realistic. this is officially the weirdest dreams that i have ever had, hoping to wake up soon. i'm tired of smiling and talking to people i don't even know.

then the bell rang, signalling you the end of your class, you started to pack up and a brown haired boy that had it styled upwards with dark brown eyes went to you. it was inuoka, you presumed.

"lev! let's go to practice together!" he said cheerfully making you laugh sheepishly as you scratched your cheek. you didn't want to go to practice, a small salmon haired boy made your life a living hell and the raven haired upperclassman that you had literally pushed you to your limits then there was that really mean pudding head who kept on insulting your skills.

to be honest, you just really wanted to wake up. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ after spending a week in switching bodies of whoever this lev haiba person is, it started to make sense to you both. it wasn't a dream. you guys were literally switching bodies every other day.

you pieced together the notes and led to the conclusion, leaving a piece of paper with your explanation on the desk for lev to read. and he did, he replied with a confused response saying that it was almost impossible for it to happen. but it somehow made sense, not being able to remember what happened on the day before you two were returned to your normal bodies.

but it was the only logical explanation that you had to except. and so, you and lev came to an agreement on setting rules for each other, what to do and what not to do. but somehow, the two of your got on each others nerves on a daily basis by breaking the rules for each other.

'ABSOLUTELY NO SWEETS AFTER 6 PM'

'NO SPENDING MONEY'

'MIND YOUR SKIRT'

'ALWAYS GIVE ALISA A KISS AND A HUG EVERY MORNING'

'DO YOUR ASSIGNMENTS'

it was frustrating at first, once you found out that lev made a mistake by breaking a rule you sought out to get revenge on him. then it became a full out war between the two of you, constantly drawing and writing words on your bodies as a reminder for each other before going to bed.

you once drew a dick on his forehead with a permanent marker and you threatened him that if he drew one on yours, you'd ignore his sister for the whole day, so you had the upperhand knowing how weak lev was for his sister.

but despite all that, he also wrote you notes on what you should do to take care of your body better, and in return you would bake sweets before going to bed so that he and his sister can have something to snack on in the morning. and he enjoyed your cooking skills.

and slowly, the war had ended and both have respected each others rules. you two would write each other letters on how the day went and what to remember and such, and slowly, lev thought that you weren't a bad person after all. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ "lev, you've been glowing these days."

lev whipped his head around to see yaku standing with a water bottle in his hand, the team looked at lev and said their own opinions on yaku's statement.

"now that you mention it, lev does seem to have this kind of glow, like something good has been happening to him these days."

lev looked around his team, confused with a smile on his face. "i'm not sure that i'm quite getting what you're saying." he said, putting his hands up. kuroo smirked and stepped closer to lev with yaku.

"mhmmmm... there's been a skip in your step these days and a different look on your face." kuroo started, closing in on lev with yaku.

"could you be... in love?" yaku continued which caused yamamoto to laugh loudly, finding it completely ridiculous for lev to like someone and lev paused for a moment, holding his chin on one hand.

looking back, he thought of how your face looked, you definitely had a pretty face, round e/c eyes, soft and silky (skin color) skin, (long/short) soft (hair color) hair. not to mention your shy and timid yet friendly and fun personality that he adored, constantly biting back when he barked.

then he thought of the times you would leave him notes to always take care of himself after practice and all the snacks you would prepare before he went back to his body. he did the same to you, but you would outdo him better.

and realization hit him like a truck as a red blush crept on his face while yaku and kuroo's grinned wider at lev's flustered expression.

"holy shit."

#lev haiba #haiba lev #lev x reader #lev haiba x reader #lev haiba haikyuu #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu lev haiba #haikyuu one shot #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff

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thewolfisawake · 3 years

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Since I’m in this brainrot alone, of course I’m just gonna end up thinking of a Hypmic AU with muses and their friends because I’m trash like that. Anyway, to avoid spamming my discord with the ideas, I’m just writing it on here. So a couple muses and those from @arcxnumvitae and @shxtteredillusions.

Starting with Kesil just because he honestly doesn’t fit with the rest. His actually came first as I thought of him with his friends from a different platform. He would be rolling with his delinquent/probably doing some illegal shit friends. Their style is more like MTC with the rough and tumble, down and dirty sort of thing. His MC name is actually Shinigami because I gotta stick with his ‘thing’ no matter the AU! I do not know what his mic nor speakers would end up like. I think most of his themes are related to him as a killer as he in this verse likely only learned and became good with a hypmic just because it’s the only weapon he could have. I mean...he probably could sneak one regardless but since most weapons were phased to mics, he probably learned. His rap ability would probably be something like Death Reversal, basically he could deny himself or his comrades of being knocked out as it fits with his actual ability of death force manipulation. Of all the guys I think he’s most like, it’s probably Rio as I don’t feel he’s overly expressive. Not because of lack of feeling but just that cool under pressure sore of thing

Anyway onto the Bastion Kids because they’re my faves to mess with

Ofc Lucien’s the easiest to think of this crap for. I do not have a MC name because unlike the creators, I have shame. But probably something wolf related. I feel his mic would be pretty old so look like a carbon microphone (because I think I’m funny) and be pretty simple. Don’t know what his speakers would be like. I think his themes are actually rather mundane when outside of battle. But in battle, cutthroat bastard. He’s like absolute annihilation of his enemy, his words are like the maw of a beast, he’d rip you to shreds. His ability is Cornered Counter, basically as his energy dwindles, his attacks get more powerful. Basically you gotta be decisive with him because the longer he lasts, the more dangerous he is. So obviously his is most like Samatoki’s as it fits his aggressive tone and no back down attitude.

I have a feeling he probably pissed off the Party of Words and thus if they had the chance to deal with him, they would’ve. Maybe he and his fam had differing views as to how to take this change in the world. I feel like he preferred the old ways but had to adapt to using a hypnosis mic in order to survive. And survive he did.

Katarina’s was somewhat easier to do because she’s very clear in her presentation. I debate if she’d just straight up use her name or if it’d be something like Prima (either by itself or being Prima Donna), something denoting her regality. Her mic is likely a stand one fashioned like crystalline ice. Her speakers kind of hard to describe other than like a metallic feminine figure that kind of looks like a warlord, armed to the teeth with swords. Her themes are of betterment of the state of her surroundings, how she’ll change it with her own hands and utmost confidence of herself. Her rap ability I am still working on since while the idea currently works with her actual ability...what it ends up doing runs counter to her personality. It’d be called Dazzle and would basically redirect an opponent’s attack to someone else. However the issue is Kat can’t choose who it goes to. Since there’s not much I can draw from with the ladies of hypmic, I would go with CL for her sound although I found Chanmina while searching and thought this hits me for Kat. But if I had to choose a character, it’d be Ichijiku.

I actually think her mother might’ve been a good soldier for the Party of Words but then she kinda sorta ended up falling in love with the enemy. Whoops. Except like the Party of Words didn’t know she did (supposedly). And so she left and went to be with Kat’s dad, who was a resistance member but wasn’t able to use a mic. So Kat is like the kid that was like...y’know we could live in peace if we’re not super oppressive. I feel like Petra taught her how to rap as it’s the only viable weapon for Kat so that’s what she uses.

Crowe’s is a pain because he’s a pain. I don’t have a MC name either maybe Shadow? Too basic? I dunno. His mic either a headset or futuristic kind of shades he wears. I’m sure everyone finds it odd. His speakers look more like cameras and briefcases with like a dicey looking umbrella. It’s huge frickin’ homage to spy stuff y’all. And you’ll figure out the function of them when he turns his speakers on you. Electric volt briefcases, umbrella gun, that kinda stuff. His themes are pretty pessimistic, the secrets of others, the ability to get his hands dirty and what those dirty hands can and can’t do. His rap ability I feel would be based on his gorgon blood so likely named such (Gorgon) or Eyebite and would work where he paralyzes an opponent from taking their turn. Who I draw most for him is actually Jakurai although obviously his voice is no where as deep.

If there had to be a traitor, it’s probably Crowe. He isn’t particularly happy about it but at the same time, it’s not like he’s brave enough to deal with his overlords. Not when he knows the things they COULD do. Or maybe he’s doing spy stuff on Chuuoku and is in a continuously perilous position but can’t or won’t talk to anyone about it. Basically he still has his paranoia but for a different reason.

Hmmm Taylor’s giving me a lot of problems because I just can’t pin down a lot for her. I don’t have a name for her nor any idea what she’d go with. Maybe something food based? The only ones coming to mind are Red Velvet and Matcha. Her mic? I think she’d use a hand held mic. Kind of like the ones you do karaoke on in terms of shape. Her speakers? * confused noises * Her themes mmm....I think hers are rather upbeat although not without bite! Her rap ability still eludes me. If I’m thinking of sound, I would put it as something like Calliope although again her words are lighter than hers.

I feel like Taylor’s family ended up with her parents not surviving the war and thus was left with Rhett to try to keep his siblings from being separated from him. She didn’t view a need to learn how to rap--after all a lot of the population doesn’t seem to--but her mind was changed after being kidnapped for ransom and subjected to the effects of a hypnosis mic. She ended up saved by then then ragtag kids and wanted to learn so that she was never in that position again.

Hooo boy, Emil has that instinctual attention to tone shift going mad. Oh god. I do not have a MC name for him either. I feel Prince would be far too on the nose. So something else. I think he’d have a stand mic, I think his would be like I think it’s a certain kind of ribbon mic? Like this? Makes me think of like old school announcers that fits with his lively personality. I feel like his speakers would be more like ice fragments that feels like they should be falling but don’t. His themes are like half light-hearted and inviting, about having a good time with others. But the other times it’s about masks and charades. He is the kind that has that tone drop and you can tell it’s another ‘presence’ to Emil. One that is vicious and will have you sinking. His rap ability is Frostbite, which would essentially have any battle of his become a race against time. His ability starts sapping the energy of his opponent and of course if they drop...it’s game over for them. His sound when light-hearted is more like Hifumi in like vocal tone but with Ramuda’s flow. Yet I feel like the perfect sound for his is Gentaro’s verse in Stella (Emil, I hope you know you are the biggest pain in terms of style) in terms of like how he sounds in alternating between cutting and light.

I feel like his mom had stayed in the Chuuoku under the Party of Words but had seen Emil’s dad while outside of the ward. And then she fell pregnant and was in love with Emil when he was born despite him being a son than daughter. And when faced with either handing Emil over to his dad or leaving Chuuoku, she chose the latter. This was her baby. Emil had grown up with both but his mom passed away...his father suspecting it to be Chuuoku’s doing, moved away far from the ward. However Emil grew curious of the hypnosis mic that his mother had used when she was alive and so he ran off near Chuuoku, where he met a...unkind mentor (basically his grandma in normal verse stuff) that did teach him but did affect his candor.

Cipriana I have also am having some trouble thinking things of. I do not have a MC name but I think it’d be cool if she chose one that’s like...reclaiming and being proud of her ‘runt’ status. Also am not sure about her mic. I think she’d have a handheld one though. As her mic, maybe they’re in the shape of spools with like threads all around and at least one connecting her her mic. Her themes I feel would be a bit like that somber hope? Like it sounds a little sad but it’s ultimately about a better day eventually. Which contrasts to how she is in a battle as I imagine she is very loud in presence since this is more or less a fight and she isn’t getting knocked down again (her mindset of chasing down Lucien absolutely frightens and intrigues me). I just thought of her ability being like By a Thread, where she essentially she cannot be ringed out and can be a little harder to knock out. Her set up kind of makes like a net or wrap around her to keep her from falling (also makes her look like a doll in some aspects, oooh callback). I think of her sound very much like Nemu.

I do not know how she runs in this story except maybe that she was normal and just simply ended up in the whirlwind of hypnosis mics. Although sitting here now, I’m thinking if Arsenio had a mic and had used it against her--since it’s basically inflicting psychic damage--on her even though she didn’t have one (which is illegal btw). And Vini had it with his shit and used his own and having the same mindset as in her original verse, she actually took one of their mics and used her words against Vinicio, still causing their original rift...just worse. A lot of the same plotting from there maybe? Eventually she meets the rest of the kids.

Aspis has been rather hit or miss. I am still thinking on his MC name but Yaksha has been in there. I am thinking of his mic to be handheld and I can’t think of anything particular for its design. I think of his speakers looking like demon masks with the speaker part within the mouth. It’s kinda intense looking especially since you know he’s so sweet. Gotta keep his contrasting aesthetic somewhere. His themes are usually about mundane things as well. Musings about those of his past and present. I feel he’s the least biting towards others in battles? Like a lot of battles are attacking something about your opponent or about one’s own ability. I think Aspis would rely less on tearing someone down. Not saying he can’t but I feel like it’s gonna be a bloodbath if he does. His rap ability would be called Katashiro, where he links to another person (usually an opponent) where when he is injured, that damage is shared between him and the opponent. Which coupled with his odd endurance, could drop whoever he linked with before he falls. If I think of his sound, I think of Kuko’s flow but also Ichiro’s lyrical way.

I feel like Aspis gonna have all the crap things of being a war orphan for himself. Pretty self-reliant and not one to take help because he kinda doesn’t know how to. But I think music saves him, I think Daza might be a DJ who even if she didn’t have a mic, she got him understanding of flow and the like. And it was just a comfort for him. She probably helped him obtain a mic. And he was friends and the like with Yukina until she went with the Party of Words.

Aya’s is like Aspis’ hit or miss in terms of what I can think of. MC names are harrrrdddddd. I feel like her mic I alternate between it being the kind you see a cabaret singer use or a handheld. Maybe one of the first that does both??? I can’t think much in design other than ‘shimmery.’ Not like gaudy but like you watch her move or light hits just right and you see it shine...like her. Her speakers looks more like a theater. With like velvety curtain backdrop and everything. And her attacks look pretty until they hit you. I’m thinking like razor flower petals sort of thing. Her themes...mmm, I feel like overall it’s just ‘pop-y’ and light. It’s nothing like her battling. I feel she just sounds pleasant but then has some serious cutthroat bars. Despite this, I think of her rap ability being Renewal, being able to make others’ attacks stronger and cutting the damage they take. Super supportive skill which she probably took a while to figure out about. I actually found her sound while looking at other stuff. Which I think is Jeon Soyeon easily.

Also not quite sure where she would be in the story other than I think Meg would’ve procured her a mic for her protection. And I think she cultivated her rapping to have a rap ability. And I feel like Meg was worried about it and wanted Aya away from eyes that would witness it. Because although it has no offensive power for Aya herself (at least not that anyone’s made her come to that point), it is useful for like...a team or ally situation. So useful for the Party of Words and what Meg wants to avoid. But she can’t really stop Aya from doing what she wants with her mic.

#long post #oh god #so long #and there's still holes #{Hypmic AU}#probably gonna come up with snazzy name later #but for now it's done #;wishlist

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tothe8andbeyond · 4 years

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D-8 SVT 5TH ANNIVERSARY: FAVORITE GOING SEVENTEEN EPISODE - MT SVT REALITY, GOSE 2019 EP 3-4 & 7, DEBATE NIGHT, SVT PLAYGROUND, DON'T LIE, BOO SEUNGKWAN'S PAST LIFE DESTINY, INSOMNIA ZERO (#2), AND MORE

Season 1 began in 2017 (another reason 2017 is ironically Seventeen's year) and SVT content was changed forever.

It began as more of a behind the scenes with everything from Don't Wanna Cry, Diamond Edge, Clap promo, and all the fansigns inbetween. This season just made me really sad I wasn't a carat sooner but it was a cool vlog for the boys and they were so excited to be filmed, precious bubs. I don't really have a favorite episode but here are some iconic/favorite moments

"Goiiiiing.. SEVENTEEN!" "goinggoing~~~"

Covering the camera with Hoshi's hand

"What if I die?!" "Then you die!"

SVT Energy Skincare™

Jun leaving people "frozen"

Angry MC Santa Wonwoo

Asking for the unicorn frap at Starbucks and having the order total turn out to be $17 thus triggering the members

Minghao flexing on everyone's life (again) on the trampoline

Hoshi being depressed about not getting bday wishes

Dino's "fanboys"

"Americano, aMEricano, ameRIcano, ameriCANo, americanO"

Make It Shine blooper

The dog from the concert poster photoshoot

Dabhao was thriving

My I behind the scenes 🥰

Any Junhao moment bc I'm whipped

Little 8 practicing his singing 🥺

Trauma (Seungkwan remix)

Spin-Off started introducing us more to GoSe in a variety format

We got variety-esque episodes like with the members cooking, writing letters to themselves, making flower crowns, drawing, and the arcade episode! But it was still mostly vlog-esque where we got to see behind the scenes of Thanks, Ideal Cut Concerts, Japan Arena Tour, 3rd Anniversary, their exhibit, Oh My/YMMD, and BSS promo. Again making me emo I wasn't a carat earlier missing all these iconic moments 🥺

My favorite episode is easily MT SVT REALITY and Hoshi yelling out the window still might be one of the most iconic moments ever, PERIOD. My other fave moments include

DK and Jeonghan fake laughing for like 5 mins straight

Minghao's mullet, period.

Driver Minghao for TTT

Jun abandoning DK to help Wonwoo with his apron instead

The birth of the legendary "T H E to the 8" rap (feat. the return of imma)

Producer Woozi

Episode 20 (yes I have that memorized) when Minghao hosts a cute little hotel date 🥺 he tells fans not to think of him romantically and then pulls this shit pretending to feed us and everything which is why I'm sad lol

Minghao's giggle when he did the bottle flip 🥺

Vernon full on losing it during an arcade game while Hao who's playing with him is dead silent

V8 vs. older bros

"you're over, Yoon Jeonghan"

Junnie winning at the fighting game uwu

The iconic Thinkin About You looks

That pose Jeonghan does that screams "your crush is coming, act natural"

Mingyu getting too excited and spitting on the cake so the members cover it but Mingyu thinks they're doing a team cheer

Hoshi screaming "2 captains!" repeatedly while Woozi regrets his life's decisions

Killing the8 in mafia just for returning from China

GoSe 2019 was the birth of the true variety show. They even made a theme song and everything 🤣😭 SVT are such natural entertainers ohmygod (and the editors really stepped up their game thank u staffs)

There was still some behind the scenes like the 4th Anniversary, Japan concerts, and Minghao instructing for Chinese Ver. of home, but they kind of started transitioning behind the scenes content to a different spot on the channel and honestly carats are so well fed with content #blessed. ALSO THIS WAS AROUND THE TIME I BECAME A FAN IM EMO

My absolute fave eps are the ones when they were brainstorming their own ideas for the show (3-4), the making of the intro/theme (7), debate night, and SVT playground but honestly the whole fucking season has so many iconic moments

Vernon not being able to read red marker bc of his red glasses

Jun's 1+1

Honestly it's so entertaining hearing them talk about their ideas even without them implementing them yet, they're seriously so creative

They do skits/roles so well like Jun pretending he's from the Chinese restaurant next door and Woozi being CEO of Going Entertainment dndkdk I cannot make this shit up

"Jeonghan act tired" Jeonghan: *fully falls to the floor and drags his body to the couch djdkdkdkkdld he's so fucking dramatic I'm still dying at this

Wonhao running around dead S.Coups

Minghao doing the going dance down the stairs (flexing again)

Pabo latte

Enthusiastic Minghao in Japan 🥺

The MBTI hidden camera

Diva Boo being pissed he didn't get Beyonce's MBTI but someone else did

Monsta X saving them at karaoke

Pigeon DK thriving during debate night

Geppetto Minghao looking fine af during debate night "I said so many nonsenses, I hope you liked it"

TTT fun - meerkat line rise, Jeonghan and Hoshi catching bugs but screaming the whole time, network love unit playing except Hao and he just gives them a cute "fighting!" Like they're his kids but he's just trying to relax lol, more mafia, Jun being hilarious during try not to laugh, S.Coups wanting to kill the staff (as usual), THE MEMBERS PLAYING WITH KITTENS

Froghao was thriving during svt playground

Bothering Woozi during secret santa

Hao's face when Jeonghan took the iPad

Dino literally got gifted a brick??

Junnie's light up grills

GoSe 2020 continues the variety so well and each member gets a month! So sad they shortened the theme but they gave us subs! Also the previews for next episode are great! They also stepped up the editing too. They are all working so hard for this and it really pays off

My favorite episodes so far are Don't Lie, Seungkwan's Past Life Destiny, and Insomnia Zero (especially part 2). I'm so damn hyped for Debate Night 2. Again so blessed for this content 😭🙌

It's harder to list moments when the entire episodes are iconic!!

DK failing at his own mystery food game

Minghao literally lucky number 8

The saga of Minghao being amazed at Mingyu's eating continues

Hoshi singlehandedly admitting he's mafia then getting Mingyu killed instead then openly killing the citizens at night without needing to hide and then winning the game ohmygod I cannot at how fucking wild and hilarious this episode was

Sleepy Jun during Seungkwan's Past Life Destiny

Junhao, evil twins, seoksoon, mingyuzi rise

Dino rejecting Mingyu with a moonwalk

The overall betrayal of couples omg

SA DALLA

Jun showing the Made in China tag djdkkd

Limbo was fucking wild

The members are all whipped for Woozi that shit made me soft as hell

Talking shit when other members are trying to sleep

Woozi loves dad jokes so much omg

They are so damn dramatic for the ASMR in Insomnia Zero pt 2 omg

TASTY

Jeonghan purposely not answering Hoshi's call to come back

Hoshi giggling that Woozi lost and Woozi fully having a crisis

Wonwoo identity crisis as one of the chill members

Brain Survival and Escape Room made my brain hurt but they're so smart

Minghao jump scare poor bb

Kicked out members becoming audience reactors

DK and Jeonghan fucking around with the props instead of helping

Their delivery food episode just made me hungry

S.Coups not flinching one bit at arm wrestling Hoshi

Trying to act cool when the move spots on the chess board

Seungkwan's wipe out

Getting debate night 2 really saved my life I can't wait for the rest of 2020

I typed way more than I should have but I just love Going Seventeen and all Seventeen content, being a carat really is a blessed life!

#seventeen #svt #challenge #im behind bc of finals #gose #going seventeen #WATCH IF TOO #IF IS SO FUNNY #i know i wrote way too much #if anything this is for my own record lol

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bigskydreaming · 5 years

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So this is kinda a Bobby Drake post but its also kinda not because its more of a just in general musing on characterization and what distinguishes between a character being written as in character and as wildly OOC. So its actually rooted in a lot of Dick Grayson thoughts I’ve been having lately, as well as being relevant to some Scott McCall musings.

Its a Martha Stewart Home Living pot-pourri thingamabob! Something for everyone! I think. I don’t really know what pot-pourri is or even how to spell it and I don’t really know why the fuck I pulled a Martha Stewart reference out of my ass in the year 2019, like, none of these things are like any other thought I’ve ever had ever, like...who am I right now. Whatever. Shut up. My metaphor absolutely works and this isn’t just my brain on sleep deprivation. I like, totally get symbolism.

OKAY! RIGHT! ACTUAL CONTENT OF THIS POST:

So, the only adaptation Iceman’s had just a very minimal presence in was the 90s X-Men animated series. He only appeared in one episode, in one of the later seasons, and most people talk about that episode as though Bobby was wildly out of character because he told no jokes, yelled quite a bit, and told Scott to fuck off a lot, which is also what he did in a flashback scene to when he quit being an X-Man years before the show started, and retired from the hero life to settle down with Lorna.

Except the thing is, that episode is actually WAY more true to his overall characterization than Frosted Flakes in the X-films ever was, or also, pretty much any time Bendis writes him or other writers use him in similar ways to him - like that thing where Bobby stands in the background and says one-liners and also occasionally does something with his powers whilst monologuing about what he’s doing and how.

Because Bobby absolutely is that cheerful, determinedly optimistic heart of the team at a lot of times (sound familiar, lol)....but like.....he also historically has a decades long history of being written as the team hothead when for instance its just the original five and there’s not one of the X-Men’s other resident hotheads available to fill the role of the impulsive troublemaker who second guesses Scott’s decisions in order to make Scott actually think things through. Like the thing in the cartoon about Bobby quitting the team and storming off because he was fed up with Xavier constantly lying to them all and keeping secrets from them - that was lifted STRAIGHT from the original run of the comics, where he did precisely that, for precisely those reasons. Bobby was actually the X-character calling Xavier on his bullshit long before Scott started being written that way, ironically enough....

In fact, during Simonson’s original X-Factor run, it was pretty much ALWAYS Bobby filling that role going against the grain and questioning their official decisions and making everyone else think things through. Because at the time, Warren was pretty much entirely focused on his Archangel issues, Hank was dealing with his continuing physical mutations, that also had a side effect for awhile of giving him a host of mental health issues that interfered with his ability to reason through things as intelligently as he usually did....

And Scott and Jean were of course constantly getting bombarded with Sinister drama and trying to raise their kid except oh no, an evil fox person from a thousand years in the future has kidnapped him and infected him with Minecraft and now this giant asshole who looks like the bastard lovechild of a Transformer and a Smurf is quoting the Book of Revelations like he’s standing on a NY street corner wearing a sandwich board and ringing a damn bell. They all had shit going on, so it was actually Bobby who the kids staying with them (Rictor and Tabitha and Rusty and Skids and Wiz Kid) usually went to first when they had problems or like, Julio got kidnapped again or shit like that.

Point being, there are many many instances and entire runs of different books between the 60s and the early 90s where Bobby is a happy go lucky jokester, its true....but he’s equally depicted as this guy who runs pretty hot and he’s not going to blindly follow orders that sound fucking dumb to him, he’s going to ask Scott to break it down for them or go back to the drawing board because “why are we pretending to hunt other mutants again and just leaning into the anti-mutant hysteria? Guys? Is it just me or does this all seem really fucking dumb and counter productive?” Like he makes jokes when he can afford to spare the spoons for that, but he knows how to be serious when the occasion calls for it.

Its just after the big Blue/Gold relaunch in the 90s, writers just....stopped writing him this way. But given that the cartoon was written and aired....in the early 90s....those previous decades of Bobby being written this way WERE the source material they were going off of at the time.

So that character most fans EXPECTED to see when they watched the cartoon in later years and saw he was guest-starring in an episode - like yeah, that is very much his characterization and always was.....on his good days. But like everyone (and certain other faves of mine, lmao) he has his bad days too, and guess what counts as a bad day?

Coming home to find out that secret government agents have kidnapped your girlfriend and when tracking her down to rescue her discovering that no, wait, actually she was not kidnapped at all, that was a job offer and she accepted and just....did not tell her live-in boyfriend that hey, I’m gonna go be a superhero again but like...for the government which is completely the opposite but whatever, look the point is don’t freak out or think I was abducted or anything because that’s definitely not what happened here, I just dumped you and started dating my new team leader Havok and forgot where I put my Dear John letter. (You want to talk OOC in that episode, it wasn’t Bobby that was unrecognizable, it was Lorna).

But like, that’s a BAD FUCKING DAY. That’s a day where it would be utterly bizarre for Bobby to be acting the way he often does, like he doesn’t have a care in the world, trying to make light of situations and buoy spirits, which he can AFFORD to do, because usually he is not the central focus of big team-encompassing plots....its rarely him tied directly into the angst of the story, freeing him up to be the guy who focuses on making sure the morale of the teammates more directly affected by the angst doesn’t like....dip into the negative integers.

But you just flat out can’t do that with him in a story where THE ANGST IS ALL HIS, its CENTERED around him, because if he was right in the thick of all that and wisecracking and acting like this was any other mission, its no big deal....he’s going to come across as the world’s most immature, shallow and emotionally insensitive dumbass, because there is a time and a place for that, and that time and that place is not when you think your girlfriend has been abducted by the government and then find out that nah dude, she just disinvited herself from your relationships, whoops, sux2BU.

So if you take any given scene from that one episode and hold it up for comparison against say, a comic written in the last five years where he himself has relatively low stakes in whatever adventure he’s having.....those two characterizations are going to look COMPLETELY at odds. Like one or the other has to be WILDLY OOC because like, the two depictions seem like they’re depicting two entirely different men.

But they’re not. They’re just depicting one man in two entirely different contexts. We all take our cues from the situations we find ourselves in and our physical and social location and environments. We’re all totally different people on our best days than we are on our worst days. But these are all just....different facets of any given individual because we’re all fucking complicated little contrarians who often don’t even make sense to OURSELVES let alone outside perspectives. We each contain freaking multitudes. We are a million different things over the course of our life, and snapshots taken twenty years apart often are gonna look like we got a personality transplant between now and then...because we’re not MEANT to skip over twenty years of in between continuity and act like that doesn’t make all the difference in the world. The journey IS just as important as the destination.

And I guess the point of this particular post is that....IMO the key to strong characterization is recognizing that any character can theoretically be capable of just about any response or action or choice....in the right situation. None of us, no matter how well we know ourselves, can actually say we know for sure how we would react if suddenly dropped in a situation we had zero prior experience with. So I think where a lot of writers get turned around when writing characterizations is they go into a plot, an outline, a narrative, with their mind focused on the characterization they want to show, the way they want to depict a certain character.....instead of letting the situation, the scene, the narrative, inform that character’s actual characterization in this specific context.

If you try and FORCE a certain behavior with a character because you’ve rounded up and that’s the over-all characterization you personally enjoy best with that character, so that’s what you want to write....without fully taking into consideration how the stressors and other aspects of the situation they’re in that are UNIQUE to that situation, that are things they perhaps haven’t encountered before or dealt with often...and thus are things that would be MOST likely to prompt or provoke an unusual or more extreme response from a character than they would normally show in most other situations....that’s when characters get bent out of shape and end up most OOC, I think.

Because writers try and squeeze specific attitudes or reactions or behaviors out of characters caught up in a scenario where those attitudes are just....not appropriate responses to what’s happening around them. And thus they end up coming across as 2-Dimensional, more aggressive than the actual situation calls for, or more immature than the gravity of the actual situation warrants...they end up coming across like they’re a name card placed on top of a situation rather than a character immersed in all three dimensions and existing fully as PART of the situation...because the writers aren’t LETTING them. They’re not letting the character actually engage with what’s happening, react in the moment, have an unexpected response....because they’ve already decided what they want the character’s overall ‘feel’ to be before the actual situations were even written in the first place.

And written like that, a character is never going to feel real. They’re always going to feel like an afterthought, like something hastily thrown on top of the otherwise completed project as a last minute addition you want to at least make sure is THERE because it just occurred to you that crap, I totally forgot to include this totally crucial element, and you don’t want it to seem like you just completely forgot that thing existed.....but that slapdash shot taken from halfway across the court when the buzzer’s already started ringing and you’re late to school with absolutely no more time to make changes...like....its still usually not gonna do anything to help improve your grade, because just because you threw it in at the very last possible second doesn’t mean that its presence is actually contributing anything to the entire project...especially not when compared to all the other elements you took your time thinking through and carefully integrating into their proper places.

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vermiculated · 6 years

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books 2017 finale

this is almost brief.

december: The Lying Game - Ruth Ware Every Heart A Doorway - Seanan McGuire Saving Morgan - MB Panichi Call Me By Your Name - Andre Aciman City of Fallen Angels - Cassandra Clare City of Lost Souls - Cassandra Clare (see below) Barry Lyndon - William Thackeray Into Thin Air - John Krakauer

that was the brief part, this is the ‘almost’ part. 279 for the year, up from 188 last year.

Why Did I Ever - Mary Robison fiction, re-read, it is a delight always.

Binti - Nnedi Okorafor fiction, I read a couple of other interesting explorations of "what does it mean when I am more like the monster than the hero?" which is pretty astoundingly generative as a genre, this was my fave. Binti herself explores two alien cultures, and reacts in practical ways to the unexpected, which is always a delight in a heroine. Space is strange; let us not dwell on realism, it's a different real. This willingness to abandon what does not work is characteristic of young women. Young women are great sff protagonists, and young women of historically-disadvantaged backgrounds who are incontestably heroic are the greatest sff protagonists of all.

The Thrilling Adventures of Lovelace and Babbage - Sydney Padua art, complex and excitingly rich alternative history, which not only explains computing history but also, at the last page, yanks at the heart of anyone who has ever yearned. The art is propulsive and antic, and the visual puns are very good. (not to be missed: the encounter with Queen Victoria!) Even I, a person who is bad at reading graphic novels, loitered over the drawings to understand them rather than reading the words and flipping the page.

IQ - Joe Ide fiction, what Sherlock Holmes would actually be like in a modern novel. A loner in a big important city who feels that he has much to make up for, check the convincing depiction of depression, and the real nightmares who actually do fall short in the world's estimation, except that the world is too busy to notice them at all. The main thread is a fun romp, and the minor characters are so exquisite that it is almost a picaresque. I was talking about this loudly on a train, and when I and it stopped, a man came up to me and asked if I could give him the title again as he wanted to buy it. TRUE.

Hild - Nicola Griffith fiction, on the recommendation of @inclineto This is what historical fiction should be like: it's not that this was somehow better than everything else, it was merely relevatory. Historical fiction can be about religion, power, families, war and how to card wool. (You don't have to pick if you are an inside or outside person! Girls, you can be both Thayet and Buri!) The protagonist can be cheerfully bisexual, too. It's as though all of the novels we have determinedly pretended were about gals being in love with other gals came true, and also the heroine gutted bad guys and was eventually canonized.

Everything is Teeth - Evie Wyld and Joe Sumner art, teeth were a big theme this year (as ever) and this is the one where a) no one talks about the shameful inequalities in provision of dental care to children in the United States and b) no one fucks a fish. just letting the distinguished reader know that I have a selection process for what I read, I can see how that might not be clear. I would be delighted to talk about a) and b) mentioned here, or anything else I read this year.

Water Dogs - Lewis Robinson fiction, re-read, always always. the person who loves novels about well-off and unusual families falling apart in opulent squalor either literal or metaphoric and maybe murder? that person is tuv. Inexplicably, no part of this was ever published in The New Yorker.

Margaret the First - Danielle Dutton fiction, on the recommendation of @elanormcinerney The subgenre of “garrulous historical person in his or her own words" is becoming something of a crowded field (Ruth Scurr's book on/with John Aubrey is the other best entrant, there are others) and the artistry involved in this example is particularly fulfilling. This is smart and I remembered all the stuff about science and poetry that Arts & Letters Daily is always trying to teach me. That's why to read women, among other reasons. The smarts.

Blood in the Water - Heather Ann Thompson non-fiction, persistent mismanagement, gross racism, and inadequate communication turn out not to be the way to run an organization. This is really a masterpiece of microhistory, about the Attica Prison Uprising, and the ways in which people in power blind themselves to consequences of their actions, while the people who suffer the consequences of those actions suffer and continue to suffer.

See Under: Love - David Grossman trans Betsy Rosenberg fiction, goes well with the Quay Brothers' "Street of Crocodiles," while we are talking about Bruno Schulz. I read parts of it in my head to the neighbors' dog. the dog understood. my voice would have shredded with sadness if I had spoken. thanks, Astro, for being there.

Sarong Party Girls - Cheryl Lu-Lien Tan fiction, this is the novel that Kevin Kwan isn't tough enough to have written. It's about how grown-ups deal with the consequences of their actions, and also about drinking with pals. A person can be both of those things, and Jazzy is that, and more.

Emotionally Weird - Kate Atkinson fiction, a strong taste for the picaresque, and a crystalline capture of youthful aimlessness and disorder even as it is being shaped by larger forces. Effie wanders through words and life, and I had a wonderful time with this one summer afternoon. No one else appears to have much liked this book, other people are wrong, it's funny. It is profoundly show-offy and unrelateable to play parlor games in the car, say book reviewers with terrible personalities -- sounds like someone lost a game of fives recently. (I’m very good at the game of fives, and I did not quite feel personally criticized when this book was unpopular, if only because I have my expertise at ‘name five mountaineers who did not climb Mount Everest’ to console me.)

A Line Made By Walking - Sara Baume fiction, I just really love books about depressed women acting as they see fit.

Chemistry - Weike Wang fiction, I just really love books about depressed women acting as they see fit.

The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue - Mackenzi Lee fiction, recommended by @mysharkwillgoon see "Hild" above, books are just better when the main character solves problems and kisses everyone. This is how historical romances should be, this is what we have all received for those years of crossing our fingers under the cover of a Heyer and hoping 'maybe he'll love his best friend! maybe she'll tell her cousin what she really thinks!" and they DO. and then they escape from pirates, “The Monk,” and robbers.

Raven Rock - Garrett Graff non-fiction, read this first and then think about how we all got from there to a study of underground bunkers and the places where some of us were going to go when the rest of us died. Offutt AFB is along the way, which only served to remind me that I have family in Nebraska and I live in fear of the day when one of them does some casual genealogy and we have to talk; "so. your state. big in the planning for our forthcoming and yet reucrring nuclear crisis, howdoes that feel? feels powerful and also sickening, yeah? anyway, your great-aunt's ashes aren't scattered in the Lincoln Tunnel, but we thought about it."

The Art of Charlie Chan Hock Chye - Sonny Liew art, here is what we are up against. The theme this year appears to have been "weeping at what could have been." This is a first rate textbook, and a cunning subversion of the whole notion of textbooks. I learned a great deal from this; had I learned nothing, my eye would still have wandered along, marvelling at the layout. There are several overlapping stories about narrative, success, and Singaporean history, yet the metatextuality (horrible word, apologies) is never confrontational. Which is truly a pleasure.

The Story of a Brief Marriage - Anuk Arudpragasam fiction, this is the book I've been telling everyone about as my fave book on the year. Only the most literary of adjectives will suffice: brutal, lyrical, lambent, noctilucent, I'm just typing words.

The Unwomanly Face of War - Sveltana Alexievich trans Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky non-fiction, more incisive than more recent collections, and in a shimmering translation. Pevear and Volokhonsky have tossed words out like diamonds on black velvet. The rare wartime history that is more appealing without a map.

City of Lost Souls - Cassandra Clare oh give me a fucking break, Jonathan nee Sebastian brainwashed Jace nee whatever while they were in the magical flying Gormenghast pied a terre, they absolutely schtupped.

#books 2017

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adscititious-cacoethes · 7 years

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Sometimes it’s Confusion (Sometimes it’s Fate)

Pairing: Trevor C./Reader Warnings: Swearing, worry, internal turmoil, fluff, this is mostly cute stuff? (PG-13? There’s too many fuck’s for it to be PG) Word Count: 5,603 A/N: Hello! This is alternatively titled “Soulmate AU where no one fucking knows shit until after they meet them cause I feel like that’s more true to real life.” Thanks @chefgeofframsay for letting me scream at you. The group chat named is one of the ones that I’ve had with my friends because I’m not creative enough to think of a new one. [Y/F/N] = Your friend’s name Please note this fic takes place at RTX. I have never been to RTX. Therefore, I am basing all info off of things Em told me, watching livestreams, and conventions I have been to. I’m sorry if there are any discrepancies. I take prompts/requests now! (see here for details). Feedback is appreciated! Please enjoy!

You hadn’t realized just how big RTX was until you were there (finally!!!) yourself.

As someone who spent more time staying at home than interacting with others, you had foolishly told yourself that RTX couldn’t be that big – you still remembered when they had done that first RTX six years ago, and while aware of the fact that it had grown, you also were, apparently, completely unaware.

But, this was your first (and probably only) RTX, ever, because first college sucked and then after college you realized that you actually had to manage your own money, so you had splurged on that VIP badge and utilized your online and real-life friends’ experiences to masterfully plan your trip for maximum fun without accidentally killing yourself.

Hopefully.

Regardless, as you followed the throngs of people into the convention center, you took a deep breath and reminded yourself that no matter what happened, you were going to roll with the punches, with any luck meet some of the AH crew, and enjoy yourself no matter fucking what.

Because there was, yanno, that other thing that was ever-present in the back of yours and everyone else’s minds. RTX was a big convention – sixty thousand people big – and that meant that there was a significant increase of meeting your soulmate.

You were one of the undoubtedly many people that had that thought on their mind, wondering if you were going to wake up tomorrow with a symbol somewhere on your body. Wondering if today was the day that you would, by chance, meet your soulmate.

You idly wondered how many people you were going to see frantically running around shoving a body part into peoples’ faces tomorrow. How many pictures of soul-marks were going to be posted in the subreddit, tweeted with the hashtag. You knew that a few years back they made their own unique hashtag for twitter just for RTX couples.

You were hoping you wouldn’t be one of them.

(You were so, desperately hoping you would be).

But instead of checking twitter every thirty seconds and saying ‘hi’ to just about everyone you walked past like you saw others doing (like you wanted to do), you forged ahead, determined to see the sights and hear the sounds and smell the smells.

…And you promised some online friends of yours that you’d meet up with them at a certain time and place and you were not one to be late.

As you wandered towards the pre-determined meeting place (or what you thought was the pre-determined meeting place, who knew big convention center buildings had lots of areas that looked very similar?) you idly wondered if any of them were going to be your soulmate. It didn’t work via the internet. It was entirely possible.

You had a strong gut feeling that none of them would be “the one,” though. Each other, yeah, maybe, but you were the one that made your “group” an odd number, the last one to join the friendship Squad, so if everyone was going to be soulmates with someone else except one person, that person was going to be you.

By the time you looked at your watch again (after all the activities and fun and panels and lines and meeting people), it was nearly four in the afternoon and you and your best-internet-friend decided to break off of your little pack and head towards the show floor, content to wander around for an hour or two before going to get ready for the festivities that night. As you were walking past the bathrooms, a shock of white-blond hair caught the corner of your eye and your friend suddenly had a death grip on your arm.

“Trevor!” She half-squealed, half-whispered to you, shaking your forearm vigorously. You loved your friend, but she was definitely not good at the whole ‘they are people, too’ thing.

You patted her shoulder with your free hand placatingly, trying to wrench your arm out of her grasp. This, of course, caused you to fail to notice Trevor stop at the sound of his name and start walking back towards you two, Guardian in tow. The death grip getting impossibly tighter, however, combined with the barely-audible sharp inhale coming from the human being next to you did prompt looking up to find Trevor waving and striding quickly towards the pair of you.

“Hey, there!” He said, coming to more of a pause than a stop in front of you, Guardian looking a little frantic and fiddling with their watch.

You looked to your friend, expecting her to say something, but she just dug her nails into your skin with one hand and waved uncontrollably with the other.

You sighed heavily, “Hi, Trevor. Sorry she’s…being weird.” You gestured vaguely to your friend, feeling bad for about half a second before remembering that there was a possibility she was drawing blood at that moment and feeling very much less bad immediately afterwards.

“It’s fine. I just heard my name so I figured it’d be rude not to say hello. I’m actually about to be late to a panel, but it was nice meeting you both, and hopefully we’ll see each other again sometime this weekend in a less time-sensitive scenario?” Trevor said, rubbing at the back of his neck with one hand and already taking a step backwards.

“Yeah, go have fun! See you around!” You said cheerily, waving him away. It wasn’t until he turned the corner that you managed to get your friend’s hand off of you.

“[Y/F/N], you have got to chill. That’s like the sixth time today you’ve done that, my poor arm is going to fall off because of you!” You teased lightly, rubbing the sore spot with your opposite hand. She smiled at you sheepishly.

“Sorry, [Y/N], I’m just so excited! How can you be so cool about it? Isn’t Trevor like, your fave, too?”

She was right, of course. Trevor was your absolute favorite. He was charming and funny and handsome and even with stupid blond hair you couldn’t help but have the tiniest (read: not very tiny) crush on him.

He was also way out of your league, and you were acutely aware of that.

“I mean, yes, but he’s also a human being and should be treated that way? I dunno, my parents just always taught me to treat everyone I meet the same way until they give me reason not to. I guess this applies?” You finally responded, leaning up against the wall while your friend texted the group chat about the Trevor encounter.

“I guess you’re right, [Y/N]. We’re just opposites, I suppose. It’s really hard for me to see past the ‘these people are my idols’ thing. Maybe tomorrow reality will sink in a little bit and I’ll be better about it.” She said as she pocketed her phone and led the way towards the exit of the convention center.

“Regardless, you need to invest in some nail clippers, girl, those babies are fucking sharp.” You said, making both of you laugh as you joined the crowds.

You pushed the thought of Trevor from your mind, and instead looked forward to all the people you were going to meet and fun you were going to have at the party you and your friends were going to be attending in just a couple hours.

You woke up just the tiniest bit hungover, so you fell out of bed and grabbed a water bottle from the mini fridge before you moseyed on into the bathroom. You turned the water on in the shower and took your time, letting the water start to get cold before stepping out and wrapping yourself in a towel. You were halfway through brushing your teeth when you heard your phone ring from the other room.

Brrrrrring! Brrrrring!

You spit and rinsed as quick as you could and rushed out into the bedroom, swiping to answer the call milliseconds before it went to voicemail.

“What?” You grumbled, putting it on speaker and carrying it back to the bathroom with you.

“Woo!!!” Was the collective response – you could pick out at least four distinct voices – and any doubt in your mind about who it was was cleared when one of them continued with “You ready for today, [Y/N]? AH panel!”

“I’d be more ready if you’d let me finish getting dressed and shit.” You responded, making sure to keep your tone light so that they knew you were only joking.

“Alright, we’re down at breakfast, so just hurry up and join us!” One of your friend half-shouted into the phone before you heard the tell-tale beep beep beep of the call ending. Ignoring the fact that [Y/F/N] was probably violating hotel policy by letting people not staying in this hotel eat their complimentary breakfast, you did your best to work quickly, and you felt rather proud of yourself when you’re out the door and heading to the elevator within fifteen minutes of the call.

You were reaching out to press the call elevator button when something caught your eye. Looking down at your arm, you saw the corner of something dark blue on your skin that you hadn’t noticed before.

Huh, don’t remember anyone writing anything on my arm at the party last night. You thought as you turned your arm over so that you could better see the inside of your forearm.

“Holy fuck.” You gasped, stumbling backwards in shock.

There, in the middle of the forearm of your nondominant hand, were a trio of dark blue stars, collectively about as wide and as long as your palm. When you ran your thumb across them, they didn’t smear or smudge, in fact it sort of tingled, just a little bit, and your heart skipped a beat.

At some point the day before, you had met your soulmate.

There wasn’t a doubt in your mind – you weren’t sure how you missed it in the shower (you were absolutely sure, the answer was you had your eyes closed the whole time), but it wasn’t Sharpie, it was real, and you were absolutely, without a doubt, one of those people who met their soulmate at fucking RTX.

You deserted the idea of waiting for the elevator, instead barging into the stairwell and practically flying down the stairs. You sped down the corridor and into the dining area, spied your friends all sitting at one of the tables, and sprinted towards them.

“Hey, [Y/N], what’s the rush? Convention center doesn’t open for another hour and a half, we’ll have to wait regardless of how soon we get there.” One of your friends said, spotting you first, panting and out of breath.

“Look.” You gasped out, shoving your arm over the table and waving it in their faces. They all looked confused for a moment, but soon enough, you could see recognition dawning in their eyes, one at a time.

“Holy fuck – you have to post it to the subreddit! And tweet it! And put it wherever the fuck you’re allowed!” One of your friends shouted, your best friend pulling out her phone as he spoke.

“No, wait, no!” You drew your arm back to your chest so that the tattoo was safely pressed against your chest.

“Why not?” Another one of your friends, offering you some toast as you took the empty seat at the table.

“I don’t know…I feel weird about it. And I don’t want to get my hopes up, if I don’t find them again, or if, you know…there is no match.” You nibbled on your toast and stared down at the table, cheeks heating up. It wasn’t that you weren’t thrilled but you knew that these things sometimes just didn’t work out, ‘missed connections’ and all that jazz.

It was selfish, but you didn’t want that to happen to you.

You were jolted out of your thoughts by a hand landing softly on your shoulder. When you looked up, all four of your friends were smiling at you reassuringly.

“Hey, it’s no big deal. We’ll just be your scout team, instead. No social media about it until after RTX, and then you can reassess and make that call, yeah?” Your best friend said, her thumb rubbing little circles on your shoulder blade.

You nodded, “Yeah. Sounds good.”

“Great! Now give us a good gander so we can keep our eyes peeled today!” She exclaimed, removing her hand from your shoulder in favor of making a grabby-motion at the arm still tucked against your chest. You rolled your eyes and presented her with your soulmark again.

She snapped a quick pic (“For referential purposes only, I swear!”), you finished your toast, and in no time the five of you were out the door and on your way to the convention center.

The day went on, and while you were having almost as much fun as you had the day before, it was overshadowed by the phantom heat of the soulmark on your arm.

It didn’t help that your group chat had devolved into sneaky pictures of arms and a whole bunch of texts that just said “Nope :(“ in various ways.

So it was a very welcome moment when you realized that you were about to file in and sit down for the AH panel, which meant a prolonged period of time where you were not using your phone. You could even turn it off, if you wanted to – all the people who were important would know where you were.

You were fortunate enough to score some seats towards the front (thank fuck for having nothing to do and aching feet – you and your best friend had gotten there uber-early) and the two of you settled in, munching on snacks hidden in your bags and chatting amicably with all the people sitting in your immediate vicinity.

[Y/F/N] had already checked, and none of them had soulmarks that matched yours.

Soon enough, people were walking onstage and everyone was jumping out of their seats and cheering, loud as they could. You were quick to join them, hooting and hollering and only settling back down into your seat once Geoff grabbed a mic and shouted a cracking, “Sit down, dickheads!” into it.

You spent most of the first bit of the panel looking at Trevor – and then telling yourself it was just because he was right in front of you. It didn’t work, but still. You gave it the good old college try. There was just something about him that you were drawn to, like a moth to the flame. Something in his smile, or the sparkle of his eyes.

Just…just something.

It was almost halfway through the panel (you were guessing – your no phone policy was still rigorously in effect), your focus on Ryan down at the end of the table stirring up some sort of argument, when your friend started tugging insistently on your sleeve.

“What – what?” You asked, trying to keep your voice down.

“There’s something on Trevor’s arm! He’s been keeping it under the table the whole time but he just pushed his hair out of his forehead with his hand and there’s something there. Trevor doesn’t have a soulmate yet, [Y/N]. That could be you!” She squealed excitedly in your ear, gesturing wildly.

“Please, [Y/F/N], as if. Even if he did meet them yesterday – good for him, by the way, he deserves to be happy and shit – the probability of it being me is low and the probability of him wanting me is even lower. Being soulmates means nothing but ‘maximum compatibility,’ remember. Doesn’t mean happily ever after.” You weren’t sure if you were trying to convince her or yourself, if you were honest.

Because really, Trevor was cute. And smart. And funny. If his real personality was within throwing distance of being like his internet one, then you knew that the two of you could work out well. But you had read the stories, did your research, you knew as well as everyone else that soulmates – especially when one of the parties involved was in the public eye – could imploded just as well as normal relationships.

You didn’t want to implode. You didn’t want to experience unrequited-ness (or whatever). You just wanted to exist in at the very least ambivalence for the rest of your life, soulmate or no soulmate.

But the thought of Trevor being your soulmate…

Your friend continued to spend the next several minutes craning her neck and trying to get a good look at Trevor’s arm – still curiously hidden under the table. You, on the other hand, were rather deep in thought in a way that you knew you’d regret in retrospect because it meant missing part of the panel but at the time you couldn’t bring yourself to care enough to pull out of it.

Trevor as a soulmate. Would you even want that? Fucking please. You had already started internally waxing poetic about the guy as soon as he sat down at the goddamn table. Of course you’d want that. Would he want you? God, you hoped so. For all of your insecurities, despite all the negative thoughts and opinions you (sometimes more often than not) had about yourself, you would certainly fucking hope that your soulmate would be able to look past those things better than you could; see beauty, something wonderful, where you couldn’t.

It would be hard, being in the public eye. You’d have to move to Austin, most definitely. You’d have to deal more directly with internet trolls. You’d be in a whole different sphere of existence, because even if Trevor kept you mostly private and under wraps, soulmarks are telling and people are insistent and persistent when behind the safety of a screen.

Would you do it? Could you do it?

You knew the answer without really even thinking about it.

“Fuck, [Y/N], [Y/N]!” You arm was suddenly being slapped wildly, and you were roughly pulled out of your thoughts, focusing on the stage in just enough time to see Trevor’s arms spread wide in front of Michael and Gavin, and there was something blue and star-shaped on his forearm and –

Well, his arms went down as soon as they went up, but something in your chest tightened in anticipation. If you and your friend saw it, then most of the rest of the audience probably did, too, so when Q&A time rolled around, undoubtedly someone would come up and ask about it, have him describe it. And if he did, and if it matched yours.

Well, you weren’t sure what the RTX Guardian policy was on it but you’d rather walk up to Trevor and say “Hey dude we met for like sixty seconds yesterday because my friend completely freaked when she saw you and I think we’re soulmates?” after the panel and not in front of who-knows-how-many thousands of your closest friends.

So instead, you just sat and waited.

Surprisingly enough, the question never came. Which fucking sucked because that meant you weren’t sure if it was him. And you weren’t about to do something as public and potentially embarrassing as tweet at him (he didn’t follow you so DMs were off the table) or post on the subreddit or whatever.

So, despite the disappointed glances from your friends, you decided to head off on your own for a while – call it a “hunt for Trevor,” if you will. You weren’t sure departing from your friends was the best thing to do, but once your best friend texted the group chat “I am like, 85% positive that Trevor has a matching mark to [Y/N]!!!” they had been excited, loving, and…insufferable.

Which logically left you little choice except a “hey, guys, I know we’re supposed to go to this panel now but I’m not feeling it so I’m going to go find a quiet corner to hang out in for a while.” Your friends were concerned, but you insisted, which brought you to where you were now – sitting up against a wall down a surprisingly empty hallway, scrolling through your phone for any tweets about Trevor you could find, hopelessly, desperately trying to figure out if he is The One, so to speak, so that you wouldn’t make a fool of yourself for assuming.

For all you knew, the mark on his arm could’ve been residual Sharpie or something.

After an hour of that with no luck (typical), you decided to walk around to see if you could either catch sight of the tall, newly-blond man or catch wind of someone who had seen him at some point today.

You circled the show floor twice. Then you went over to the autograph area (as far in as you could go without a signing ticket thing for that time, anyway), asking the Guardians and Security Officers if anyone had seen Trevor yet that day (spoiler: they hadn’t). You slowly snaked your way around the lines for all kinds of panels, dropped by near the Fake AH escape room – didn’t see Trevor there, but Jeremy was full-on Rimmy Tim-ing it and you were in hysterics about it – and then circled back around to the front of the building. You even sighed and went to the other buildings that were holding panels and things. You scrolled through twitter and discovered a couple of meetups happening nearby so you went and crashed those, too.

Fucking.

Nothing.

No Trevor. You had no idea where he could’ve been, unless he was, like, seventy feet behind you that whole time. You had literally gone everywhere he could’ve been!

Well. Almost everywhere. He could have been hiding out in the Staff Only areas, or he could’ve left to go get some food, or he could’ve went home/to his hotel for the day (you weren’t sure which, nor would you take the time to be creepy enough to figure it out).

Yeah, on second thought, there were a lot of places you couldn’t look that he could’ve been. You were about to accept defeat, go meet up with your friends, and re-assess for the next day, when your phone chiming interrupted your thoughts.

[Chat: #SQüID] [From: [Y/F/N] 5:07:23 PM] [Y/N], check it out!!!! 😊 😊 😊

The text was followed immediately by another, containing a twitter link. You sighed heavily and clicked the link before it could fully load and show you a preview in the chat. Your phone was buzzing with notifications from the rest of your friends (probably yelling about something – you didn’t have previews on for your notifications) and you paused, moving to the wall to wait for twitter to load. Stupid slow phone with the stupid slow internet because of all these people, you grumbled internally, tapping your foot impatiently.

Fuck.

You sucked in a sharp breath, sucking your bottom lip in between your teeth when the tweet finally loaded. The picture attached still was only halfway there, so all you could see was part of Trevor and some random person’s face, but in the meantime, you read the tweet. Again. And again. And again.

@_TrevorC Thanks for taking the time to take a picture with me – hope you find your other half! (Close but no cigar)

You swiped down on the next notification for your group chat, trying to figure out what was going on without risking actually leaving twitter which would mean waiting even longer for it to re-load, but everyone was just incoherently keyboard-smashing and sending excited-looking emojis back and forth.

You cleared out of the chat preview to see that the picture was almost loaded just a little more, fuck slow internet it’s literally been less than a minute but it feels like yeARS –

“Excuse me?”

Your head shot up from your screen. You knew that voice.

Sure enough, Trevor was standing in front of you, a respectable distance away but still rather close, rocking on his toes a little with his hands clasped behind his back.

“Hi, sorry, am I blocking something?” You asked, looking left and right. You were pretty close to a water fountain but you weren’t in the way, necessarily, and the bathrooms you had stopped near were a couple feet away from you, still.

“Uh, no, you’re fine. I just wanted to ask – we met yesterday, right? You had a friend with you who was very excited?” He rocked back on his heels, and you could see out of the corner of your eye that there were a couple of Guardians off to the side, and as Trevor spoke they seemed to be intercepting people and – directing traffic around the two of you? At least, that’s what it looked like.

You were very confused.

“Yeah, that’s a nice way of putting it but that was me. It’s nice running into you again.” You chuckled a little while internally cringing at your word choice.

That sounded a lot better in your head.

“Definitely!” He said, beaming at you, and you watched as he went to do something with one hand, aborted the motion, and then lifted his other hand to push his hair back a bit.

Your phone was buzzing incessantly in your hand, even more so than before, and you went to look down at it to see what the fuck was going on, surely this explosion wasn’t still from that tweet that [Y/F/N] had sent, but as soon as your eyes started to drift to your phone Trevor cleared his throat and you snapped back up to look at him.

“Sorry if this is weird, but I’ve been trying to retrace my steps from yesterday because I didn’t want to be all public about it and then get people like, freaking out and trying to Cinderella this shit but I know we spoke briefly yesterday – in this very spot, ironically – so did you happen to wake up with a mark that looks like this?” Trevor finished his sentence by awkwardly jabbing his arm out, palm up to face you.

There, in the center of the inside of his forearm, about the size of your palm, were three. Blue. Stars.

You gaped like a fish, opening and closing your mouth for a couple of moments, and you knew that Trevor was waiting a response but you couldn’t quite get one to come. Instead, the still-functioning part of you jumped into action, and you took a step forward, holding your own arm out for him to see, lining your forearm up next to his.

They were a perfect match. Same size, same shape, same color, same spot on the same arm – everything. You stared at your arms, reveling in the strangeness of it all, and beyond that, in the warmth that was flooding your chest like you had a campfire burning inside you.

“I’m [Y/N].” You blurted out, finally looking up from your arms to meet Trevor’s eye. He beamed at you, and his soft brown eyes crinkled in the corners, and by damn if you didn’t think that he looked like the sun – all bright and warm and happy.

“Hi [Y/N]. Would you like to, uh, go somewhere that isn’t a hallway and talk, maybe? I’d like to get to know you. If you want that, that is. I just realized that this might be weird for you.” Trevor rambled a bit, gesturing with his other arm and leaving the tattooed one next to yours. It was almost like he was afraid that if he moved it, he would wake up and it would’ve all been a dream.

Hell, you thought that way, too.

“Why would it be weird for me?” You asked, even though you knew the answer – you had been thinking about it all fucking day, of course you knew the answer, but you wanted to know what Trevor thought, first, almost like some kind of test to make sure the two of you were on the same train or whatever.

“I mean, soulmates are kind of scary to begin with, and then I’m in the public eye, and you’re not, so there will always be jealous trolls making shitty comments, and I’m sure you’re not from around here, so that’s another hoop to jump through, and while I could probably, literally squeal with excitement right now because you’re pretty and also my soulmate and if I’m honest all I want to do in this moment is hug you and kiss you and never let you go, you’re also my soulmate and I’ve thought about how I’d deal with a situation like this since I started working here and above all, I just want you to be happy. With or without me.” Trevor grabbed your still-outstretched hand with his free one as he spoke, soft and earnest and as the words came tumbling out of his mouth you could feel yourself tearing up a little.

Because the campfire in your chest was telling you that you, too want to hug and kiss and never let go, but the fact that he had thought about this for literally years and his conclusion was he just wants you to be happy – that made your heart melt a little bit.

As soon as he finished speaking you surged forward, burying your face in his chest and wrapping your arms around his waist. His arms went around you without hesitation, and you felt his lips brush against the top of your head and somehow you felt impossibly warmer and sighed into his shirt.

“Is that a ‘yes, Trevor, I’d love to go somewhere more private and get to know you,’ then?” He asked, voice muffled against your hair and you could feel the soft reverb in his chest against your face.

You nodded, at a loss for words, and he pulled away with one more soft kiss to your head, grabbing your hand that wasn’t holding your phone and lacing your fingers together.

“I’m glad I ran into you, [Y/N].” He muttered, and you were suddenly aware of the small crowd of people who had gathered around the two of you (at a respectable distance, which was nice).

“Me, too. I have to admit, when my friends and I caught a glimpse of something on your arm at the AH panel today and I started thinking about it as a possibility I was kind of worried, about the things that you said, but I’d like to at the very least try,” You gestured to your mark, “these things don’t just show up for no reason, after all.”

Trevor nodded and hummed in understanding, “Yeah,” He stared at you for a long moment, “You’re really pretty, and easy to talk to. I like you already.” He told you, smiling cheekily while you hid your now-tomato-colored face with your free hand. He called out someone’s name, and one of the Guardians nearby (who you later would find out that they had been directing traffic around the two of you, and that Trevor had rounded up all the Guardians he could find besides his own to help him retrace his steps throughout the day to find you, which you thought was very romantic and sweet and flattering) turned and led the way through the crowd for the two of you.

Trevor held tight to your one hand, and you unlocked your phone with the other, sending a quick text to your friends as you walked, telling them that you had ran into Trevor and your marks matched and you were going with him to talk and hang out for a little while and that you’d let them know when you were heading back to your hotel so they knew you were safe. You laughed and showed Trevor the slew of emojis and well-wishes they sent in response.

Later, you would find out that while Trevor was not a perfect human being – those didn’t exist – he was pretty fucking close to perfect for you.

Later, you and Trevor would watch a video that someone had tweeted at him of the two of you showing each other your tattoos and discovering that they match. You would blush at the way that Trevor looked at you like you were the most precious thing in the world, and Trevor would apologize because there was no way that you could be a secret or keep the situation private for even a little bit due to how publicly he went about it, and you would smile and stretch out your neck to peck a kiss on his cheek – the very first kiss you gave him ever! – and tell him it’s okay, at some point in your relationship it would have to be made public, so why not from the start.

The next day, at a panel, Trevor would get you and your friends in in the front, and someone asked him a question about you because the hashtag and RT subreddit had been flooded with the news overnight, and he would look at you with this soft smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes and tell the questioner that My favorite thing in the world right now is every second I get to hold her hand.

And yeah, it will be hard. And yeah, you and Trevor were too busy getting to know each other to talk about logistics and moving and things like that.

But by god, in that moment, listening to Trevor talk about you and smile at you like you were the moon to his sun, you knew in your heart that it would all work out just fine.

#ragehappy #rt reader insert #rt imagine #trevor x reader #trevor c x reader #soulmate au #fluffy soulmate stuff #someone tell me how to tag

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maddiicake · 4 years

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A Decade in Review

I actually wrote this at the beginning of the New Year--and, technically, New Deacade--, but I figured I’d also have it here for those who follow me on Tumblr and not on DeviantART

So, heads up, this is going to be a super long post, so I will put the extent of everything under “Read More” below, if you’d like to continue.

Thanks for your time

A Decade In Review

Well, the more I think about it... the title should be: "The deterioration of an individual through their slow painful spiral into the fiery pit of failure". Anyway... I don't really do the "Art Progress" meme things that people make for New Years Eve/Day, mainly because, for me, there wouldn't be a point. For other artists, yes, I'm sure it helps very much to show where they started off and where they are now. (Though, I did make this one way back in the day, but haven't made any since then). But, for someone like me, whose had a stagnant art quality for half of this decade now, all the pieces I would put together would just look exactly the same quality-wise xD So, I just like to take the time and write out everything together in a Journal. All in one go; no drafting or edits (unless, of course, there's grammatical errors that I spot after posting). I don't have any Resolutions for this upcoming year, especially since I didn't complete any of my resolutions from last year (except for the "save your money" one). But, very rarely do people follow through with their Resolutions--and, of course, it's awesome when they do. But, since a decade has passed... and since I've been a figure on the internet for a decade now, I'd just like to take the time and reflect on everything that has occurred since 2010:

2010

I actually wouldn't exist on DeviantART for another year (and wouldn’t be on Tumblr for another year after that). However, I got my start on Ye Ole FanFiction.Net. Yes, I was a writer before I was an artist. In fact, even before our home was wired with the internet (which was around 2008/2009), I would do nothing but stay up late and write. Before I got my first computer, I would have tons of notebooks with nothing but fan-fictions written in them. And, after getting my computer, I would transfer those written works to be a little more polished in a Word Document; and, from there, I would continue on with the story I was working on. You don't have to worry about killing trees when everything is on a file xD Of course, dumb little me didn't think to separate each chapter into different Documents. So, now there is a 800+ page document still on my computer of a "saga" of a Pokemon Mary Sue. That story was never posted, and will never see the light of day, unless, of course, I hit some special Milestone (probably a YouTube Subscriber because me going through it could only properly be done in video format--with my commentary and cringe over top of course xD). But, you know what was posted? My Ouran Host Club fan-fiction: "Fitting In". Still in that "Mary-Sue"-ish OC, phase, but I wanted to make this character more interesting and believable. So, with my anime crush, Kyoya, paired up with my Ouran OC, I set out to form my story. Completely unbeknownst to my parents, because they (specifically Mom--go figure) frowned upon me just reading fan-fictions. Because, in my mother's own words: "It's other people's fantasies". (Looking back on that now, her reason makes absolutely no sense). But, I enjoyed writing and enjoyed the series. So, after my parents had fallen asleep, I would write a chapter through the night and then posted it. Somehow, after a few chapters... my story got pretty big: tons of faves, followers and reviews--it was insane! Here I was, just being a geek, like everyone else, and enjoying the fandom. And yet, for the first time in my life... I felt what it was like to be truly supported. It wasn't support for something I didn't have interest in or was coaxed into doing (like with my parents). This was something that I enjoyed, even if it was just for fun. And people actually liked it. They actually supported me for what I liked. From there, it just continued to help me press on and keep moving forward. So, while balancing out my last year and a half of high school, I challenged myself to upload a chapter every week. And, I succeeded. I remember one Review from a user that said: "I literally got home from school and rushed over to my computer, because I knew there would be a new chapter!" Little did they all know that I actually would write the chapter all in one sitting. Yep, pulled an all-nighter the day before just to write out the chapter and then post it. I eventually did tell my parents. This was after my story had gotten a pretty good amount of following and faves to be considered--in the Fanfiction.net society--a Fanfiction worth the time to read. Dad was actually really happy and proud, even going to tell my mother about it just to "show me off". It felt nice to have his support--awkward, yes, but still nice. Mom, of course, didn't care; not that I was surprised in the slightest. But, even if I had one parent's support, the whole mass of support for individuals over the internet was able to compensate for the lack of support I received from my maternal unit.

2011:

Still writing early into the following year. I had attended my first anime convention at the beginning. mostly because J. Michael Tatum--the English voice for Kyoya--was a guest, but also other Ouran English DUB actors, including Vic Mignogna. While I was aware he played Tamaki, it wasn't until I sat in on one of his panels that I realized how popular he was among the anime community. He got many questions regarding this series called Fullmetal Alchemist. Because of how everyone seemed to know of this series (except me, of course), that was the first thing I would look into after crashing at home at the end of that weekend. Like with everyone starting out, the search results provided me with the original Fullmetal Alchemist series from 2003, so I started with that. Needless to say... it was definitely a 180 turn from Ouran, with how dark and depressing that it seemed. By the time I got to the episode with Lab 5, I didn't watch another episode for months. Long story short: Chimera!Tucker scared the absolute sh*t out of me--didn't help that I was watching the episode at night either. Parallel to those months, however... I was writing my newest Fan-Fiction, "Fire and Ice". Completely taken full interest in the Fullmetal Alchemist series, I created my newest OC, Danielle. Now, I made the mistake of jumping the gun with her creation as well as her story. Because I was still very very new to the series, and didn’t quite get a grasp on the canon character's personalities to be able to portray them In-Character well enough. Not to mention that I didn't quite understand the "Rules" of the FMA universe when it comes to creating an OC. But that's where DeviantART comes in. I made an account in the fall of that year and would post every so often. I used dA more as a secondary account just for the more visual references of my stories. So, in other words, I was promoting my main account (FF.net) by broadening expanding myself to other sites. dA being more visually oriented for creators, while FF.net was more for the story/world-building end. So, with two accounts on opposite spectrums of one another, I continued to create my stories and characters. Of course, Fullmetal Alchemist was a very popular fandom, and with the Brotherhood series being new, the fandom was more hyped up than ever. I kept to myself mostly, because I was more on FF.net than dA. However, after a while, I wanted to interact with the audience I had gained from being on dA. So, I would draw my characters and scenes from my story more often. Granted, I didn't have a tablet at the time, and would scan my sketchbook drawings in to post them. I would even try to go the extra mile to scan them in and re-purpose them digitally with GIMP (the only program I had at the time); again, though, no tablet, just a mouse. I started talking with other newbie artists and writers in the fandom, and we all started to become really good friends. The majority of us, of course (even myself at the time), looked up to the "FMA OC Matriarchy". Not naming names, but I'm sure a lot of you know the individuals I'm talking about. Inspired by their own detailed digital works, my fan-fiction was put on a hold as I began to become engrossed in drawing.

2012:

The year that marks my actual start as an artist here on dA. Or, if you want my actual take on it: The year that marks the beginning of my "downward spiral into the pit of no return or reformation". At the beginning of the year, I had purchased my tablet with my own money: A WACOM Bamboo Connect. In fact, it's the same tablet I use to this day, even though I have downsized to a much smaller version. Because my mindset at the time (and, to this day, still is): "You can have the most expensive equipment, but it's the artist themselves that makes the quality of the work." From there, along with a pirated version of Easy Paint Tool SAI, I was ready to take the next step into improving myself as an artist. (If anyone is curious... THIS was the first thing that I drew with my tablet). But, despite all that.. 2012 was rough. I picked A LOT of fights, even having the audacity to stand up to the "FMA OC Matriarchy" when there was a fight between the FMA OC groups. I saw their leader and the rest of them for who they truly were. Individuals, who still to this day (based on what I've seen from the 2nd-in-Command), that put on an act to make themselves appealing, welcoming, and "friendly" to their audience, while they're actually nothing more than self-entitled individuals who get upset because someone so dares to not like the pairing between their figment of their imagination and a fictional character. And that's when I vowed: "I will knock [her] off her throne." This said in regards to the leader of the Matriarchy. Because people, who are looked up to, shouldn’t be behaving in that sort of way! They shouldn't be acting like their word is law and whoever goes against them or disagrees with them should get their head chopped off, metaphorically speaking. Outside of the internet, they're nobodies. They don't have power over anyone when they're no longer hidden behind a keyboard and screen. The number on their profile is just that--just a number. It doesn't mean anything. And, in my mind, they all needed to be taken down a peg and realize that OCs, art, fandoms--whatever--should NOT be taken so seriously! We were all here to enjoy the same thing as them, and they had no right to treat themselves like they were queens, who governed what went on in the fandom. Of course, being a petty teenager... I did (and even drew) some things that I shouldn't have (i.e. making a satire of the Matriarchy as "Mean Girls" at the lunch table). And, I didn't really explain myself to anyone when said: "I'll knock [her] off her throne." I wasn't (and still am not) very good at explaining myself or feeling (or even understanding other's feelings and social cues). All in all that entire year was a roller coaster with on and off fights between myself and the Matriarchy--namely their leader. By the end of it all, I just wanted to quit and give up drawing all together. All I could think about was "There's no way I'll be able to surpass them and knock them off their thrones..." I always have, and still do, believe that I'm not one to be worshiped or put on a pedestal. I make it a habit to tell others that when they gush over me or my art: "I'm just a geek like you ^u^ There's no difference between us." Because I don't want to be treated the same way the Matriarchy was/is treated. I don't want to be seen like them at all, because I was nothing like them. I didn't take things seriously, I didn't treat others like they were lower than dirt to me--I wasn't an "Art Thot". I wanted to be the person that could actually BE A PERSON to my audience; not some high-and-mighty white-tower dwelling jerk like the Matriarchy. But, yet, there I was... dragging out the last of the year; trying to figure out how to not be like any of them, when it seemed like the only way to take them down a peg was to be like them. At least, to be able to surpass them. My mental state took a drastic turn for the worst as I began to become obsessed with these girls. I couldn't stand seeing them. I couldn't stand my friends talking to them (and I still can’t), because I felt like they had no idea what the Matriarchy was like--the way I knew them to truly be. I would constantly tear apart my art and look on it with disgust, because all I could see was just a big comparison between my work and theirs. I wanted to give up. "There's no way I'll pass them". I wanted to show everyone else so badly that there's someone out there that they could truly look up too. Not just as an inspiration for art, but as someone who actually cares about them and others. The days were so bleak, hopeless, endless... ending it all would have been too easy, and giving up seemed too cowardly. I was stuck. ...But, then I met AAV-sama. I had never seen them before at all. They weren't a watcher, didn't fave my works, didn't comment--nothing! It was just an out-of-the-blue comment on my profile: "Hey, wanna RP?" Now... I hadn't RPed on dA for a long while since then. But, I figured that getting back into writing would help take my mind off of everything art-related. So, we talked over what to RP, and they sent the starter. Little did I know that the beginning of that RP would be the start of something amazing.

2013:

The start of my last year in high school (graduated that spring), and would start my first year of Community College for an Art degree. I knew what I wanted to do with my life going from there. It's just, when you have little to no support system in real life, it's very very difficult to get on your feet from there and keep moving forward. Meanwhile, in the world here on DeviantART, I was still drawing little things here and there; working more on improving my ability to draw backgrounds as well as composition. I would still only post occasionally--about once a month or so--, because I was completely engulfed in the world of writing in the Notes section of dA. :devaav-sama: and I were still acquaintances and nothing more than RP Partners at the time. But, she would often share what was going on in her personal life, and, eventually, I would open up as well. From there, our acquaintanceship took a turn into friendship. She helped me find inspiration and creativity, and helped me remind myself of the love for the Fullmetal Alchemist fandom. And that would come the start of our little passion project: The Mustang Conspiracy. New OCs were made and had their own story in Next Gen of the FMA03/Shamballa universe. All the while, AAV, and I became closer and closer while excitedly gushing over scenes we made and even episodes and characters in the FMA series itself. A year after we started creating out series, I created the first picture of our own "Golden Trio". And, with the creation of these new OCs, I met other individuals, who I would become friends with. With these new friends, we all cooed and gushed over our OCs, and even made AUs of our OCs interacting with one another. Like with my Ouran story, I once again felt that love and support--support I knew I would never be able to have outside of the internet (parents/mother). I didn't (still don't) have any friends outside of the internet, so I would often have a tendency to be possessive or overprotective of my friends here online. I liked the feeling of being loved and having friends, and I didn't want it to go away. ...But, ultimately, it did.

2014:

Like with the other years, this was no different of a roller coaster. In the real world, I was passing with 90s and A's in my classes. Of course, Mom's response to my Math final grade, which was a 92%, was a big: "You can do better". (Mother, we're not an Asian family, could you PLEASE let up on the high standards...? -___- ). Anyway... Like always, I found my escape from my toxic family life to the love and support from people who liked me for who I was online. Of course... There were the same emotional disputes between I and the Matriarchy, mostly brought up because I couldn't stand to see my friends interacting with them. What took me by surprise and baffled me the most is that one of my friends became friends (and still is to this day) with the Matriarchy's "2nd in Command". My friend's art was less to be desired, and was far from being among the ranks of the Matriarchy because of it. So, needless to say, I couldn't wrap my head around the reason why the Matriarchy would allow someone like her to be friends with them when they were out of her league art-wise. The Matriarchy didn't ever do that. it was just them, and if you're not in their league, then you're not one of them. There was only one logical conclusion to all of this... They were taking my friends by lulling them into a false sense of security and making them their "friends" just so that they could turn my friends against me. Ultimately, planning to leave me in abandonment and cutting off my support system online so that I would be left with nothing. My friends didn't know them the way I did. I KNEW those people weren't to be trusted, they never were, but I didn't want to make my friends up-happy. Yeah, I can be possessive because of my over-protectiveness for my friends, but... I didn't want to be the one to make them feel upset. So, I kept to myself the majority of the time and bottled it in. And we all know what happens when you bottle things in.... you become a ticking time bomb until you eventually explode, even on the smallest of things. Sometimes, like how it was with me, the bouts of intense anger were in scattered spurts. Now, many of you may remember the time over the summer of the Ferguson shooting, which lasted until the end of the year. Being raised by an extremist (mostly the maternal side) Conservative/Republicans, my family, of course sided with the Cop. Me, not wanting to be kicked out on the streets, I did what I always did when politics came up in my family--which is 90% of the time. I agreed with them and let it absorb me to the point that I had to be like that and think that way to appease them. Clearly, the internet didn't seem to agree, and I was called a "racist" and all but one friend left. She wouldn't last long, but I cherished the fleeting moments we had together. Meanwhile, I continued to draw FanART, OCs, and such for the rest of the year, as well as continue working on The Mustang Conspiracy.

2015:

AAV was all I had during this year. Our friendship had grown to the point that I couldn't imagine a day where I don't talk to her. We had gotten to the stage where we exchanged personal contact info, and have messaged each other little "Good Morning" messages every since day since then. She was my everything. She made me feel like I was everything. If I didn't have her, I probably would find the nearest overpass to jump off of, or work on finding a good sturdy tree in the middle of the woods to tie a noose to. All in all, life wasn't worth living anymore without her. After everyone else had left, she became my one and only, and... it got to the points where I would unhealthily obsess over our friendship because of the constant fear of abandonment nagging the back of my head every single day. Even while working on our story, we took the time to set up a separate Note just for a "Creative Workshop" to further build our characters and make them more well-rounded. Now, during one of my "bleak" moments, I recall the very first time I came across the a certain Community on YouTube (not naming what kind, because I would like to keep myself and my family safe). No joke, I had searched "terrible people on DeviantART", not because I want to find other people deemed "terrible" just to laugh at, but because I was feeling like I was the terrible one. The Community was still in it's early days with only a few channels that would talk about pedos and bullies on the internet--though most of the videos at the time were just talking about pedos. Seeing those videos and watching these users deliver calm and collected speeches about users committing crimes towards children on DeviatnART, among others just laughing at lol-cows doing dumb things, it gave me a light of confidence and inspiration. They handled themselves so well, and were well respected within the Community. So, I made my first videos--not the best, just screenshots of anime characters used as expressions set to my voice reading from a script along with music, all thrown together and edited on Windows Movie Maker. Like how I got big trying something new to a new audience the last few times... this was no different. Except, well, I didn't really feel the love and support as much. However, I did start to realize that the majority of my audience really enjoyed my jokes and the way I handled situations. And, it made me reflect to the days where I would do theater. Being on stage and performing for an audience, making them laugh or impacting their lives just because a character I played happen to inspire them... it was the best feeling in the world. Up there in front of hundreds of eyes watching you, and entertaining them... it's the greatest feeling in the world. Performing was my life, it was (and still is) where my heart is and what makes me truly happy. So, while I couldn't do theater as often, making YouTube videos was close enough, and I could work on those and post them at any time; not having to worry abut a weekend-only schedule or any other time constraints. So, I started small by making jokes about bratty teenagers stirring up trouble on DeviantART, and even clicked with some of the minor channels; doing some collaboration videos with them as well. Of course, there was a group on YouTube called the YTTrollPolice. In reality, they were just kids stirring up trouble, but they would go far beyond random trolling to DoX threats. I was their first target, and, through the collabs with the others, they went after them. I shut my channel down--the others in the community did as well--, just to avoid the target and threat to our personal safety. Kids or not, we couldn't take any risks. The YYTP kid eventually found me dA and stalked me there, even after his account was banned. Taking my mind off of everything, I went back to drawing and interacting with AAV. Then... I met another user in the FMA fandom. It was a rarity these days, especially since the FMA fandom was slowly starting to die out (mostly because of me, since I was the one who made everyone--including the FMA OC Matriarchy--leave the fandom, never to return again). While I was still hesitant, as well as having those "abandonment fears", I decided "What the heck? It could just be a one-time conversation." Well... it wasn't a one-time conversation. We started talking and chatting on and off from there, and even became friends. I did my best to encourage her, because, well, I was just like her starting out. And, with practice and effort, she'd be flying on her own. Seeing every new piece she made--a HUGE improvement in such a short amount of time--, I felt what I believed to be pride. Not the selfish kind. No, I was proud of her. She looked up to the Matriarchy just like I once did. But... instead of saying anything against them around her, I encouraged her. I made sure that she didn't follow the same path that I did. And, one day, she sends me this excitement-filled note about how the Matriarchy's 2nd-in-Command +watched her and they started getting close. She had done it, and with my recommendations, she became friends with my former friends. Because despite what had happened, they were good people (or so I thought until 2016). Not only that... she also gave me hope. By giving me the name "Saki", she helped me find hope that I could turn around and become better. And, with that hope, we became closer and our friendship grew from there. Of course, with that fear of abandonment still at the back of my mind, I enjoyed our friendship for as long as the amount of time the bomb had on it. Because, at that point, my mind always saw all friendships that way--they were all the same and ended the same. So, it was best to enjoy the present until the inevitable moment when that bomb would go off. Near the end of the year, I received a Note on dA from a user I had never met, seen, or interacted with before. They and their friend had a Joined-channel that talked about brats on DeviantART and made fun of them. This user said that I was one of the ones, who inspired them to get in to the community. I let them know about the situation and why I left; they understood, but we started to chat, and they welcomed me into their group of friends. (For the sake of continuity through this journal, we'll call them "The Group"--Again, keeping it vague for my and my family's safety). We would just have fun chatting, geeking-out, and having streams reading bad fanfictions. During one of those streams, I got a message from a user, who was helping me with updates from the YTTP. According to them, the kid that made the DoX threats and stalked me and the other old users form the Community had the real police called to their house, and they ceased all intent with their "Troll Police" habits. And, like I said in that stream: "Now that they're gone, I think I'm going to start making videos again."

2016:

The beginning marked the year of when the story of The Mustang Conspiracy was put on a hiatus. I had finished Community College with an Associates in Arts and was working on where to go from there, and AAV was in the process of going back to school for her own degree. So, with personal life taking up a bit more of our time, we put the story on the shelf; however, we still worked in our "Creative Workshop" for our characters, for when they would eventually come back. Aside from that, I was working on starting up again on YouTube. I had made two accounts this time: one for my Art/Speedpaints, and the other strictly for "those videos". Posting my drawings, as well as the quality of my art, was an an all-time low; and it would be that way for another year and a half. Had I known that becoming absorbed in the Community at the time would take a huge strike to your art, I wouldn't have thought twice about going back. But, I felt like I could be someone within that Community. After every video, I felt just absolutely amazing. It was like everything I had bottled up for years could all come out full force just in one video. People liked me and supported me, that's what mattered the most. Sure, it wasn't the same like and support I used to feel, but it was support regardless, right? It was best not to complain and be happy with what I had. So, from there, I continued on with making videos. Meanwhile, on DeviantART, I decided to open up commissions. I had only done so here and there when people asked about how much I would charge for (X kind of picture) back in 2013. I wanted to make it more like a professional info sheet, since I was nearing the point where I would be seen as a "professional" (quote unquote; because I didn't--still don't--see my art anywhere close to be seen as "professional" ^^; ). But, I digress... I set up my sheet, and some people from The Group even commissioned art from me. Until mid-May when one of my former friends (one of the ones that left in 2014) began going to my commissioners and saying that I "traced" my commissions. How did I find out about this? One of my "friends" form The Group sent me a message asking if I could get in a call, and she laid out what was going on. My "friend" from The Group was also friends with my commissioner, and they (my "friend" from The Group) was in a message with my former friend via Notes. I explained to my "friend" from The Group about the situation from a few year ago, and (during this time) they had my back (note from present me, this was a bad mistake to do. You DO NOT divulge any information like this to people from The Community. This reason will be explained in the later in this section as well as the 2019 section). Of course, what was I to do? I was a small DeviantArtist with an even smaller YouTube following on both channels. But, I had enough of being treated this way and made a video about my former friend and what was going on presently. To my surprise... the video blew up in just a short amount of months. Many of my other friends came out to say that they agreed with me and had disliked this individual's behavior even before this occurrence. Though, had I known about it at the time, I wouldn't have made a video, I would have filed a lawsuit. Because, in terms of legal definitions, what my former friend was doing was a form of Tortious Interference. Of course, that was a term I didn't know about until early 2019, so there was no way for me to know that what my former friend was doing was a liable court of law offense. But, what was done was done. Of course the Matriarchy found out (go figure; they're all connected to each other). But, regardless of what happened to my former friend, I didn't care. At the time, I felt like she deserved it. Little did I know that that unsympathetic callous feelings was just the beginnings of the toxic environment of the Community getting to me. My channel started to get big really quick, and, looking back now, I see that many of The Group were more than likely upset or jealous of this. Because, in August of that year, they were quick to turn on me instead of sit down and talk things out like friends are supposed to do. They quickly dropped me, started spreading rumors, even went so far as to tell my former friend that I was going to make another video on them. I was labeled as "toxic", had hate-art made of me defaming my character, and they even made an alt account to spam my name in the comments and notes of one of their former friend (because "Saki" is such a "mean-sounding word" apparently...). The time bomb had gone off, but, unlike the other times, I wasn't even ready for it. And, up until the end of the year, I was a mixture of mad an upset, going through all sorts of emotions on the spectrum. How stupid I was to not see that I was falling in with the "Wrong Crowd". How I shouldn't have even attempted to restart my channel. How I shouldn't even have grown close to these groups of people. It would all end the same. It always did. Yet... I wasn't ready for it. Now... 2016 is a year that the majority of people despite, mostly for the results of the USA's Presidential election. Personally, I don't care for politics, but there were other things on my mind that day. See, that morning, the very same day as the election results, I had received a call from my doctor about my recent biopsy's results: Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma--Thyroid Cancer. Sure, it's not as serious a cancer like Breast or Brain, but it was cancer nonetheless. So, I was scheduled to have a total thyroid removal at the end of November, and would be put on a super restricting "iodine diet" for the majority of December that would last through the entire holidays. Christmas Dinner was torture; only able to eat a very small selection of things, while watching my family eat such amazing and delicious foods. The following week, I was quarantined in my room because I was completely radioactive. Despite craving that delicious food from Christmas, I felt like I would throw up if I ate just a cracker. My week of quarantine was was literally nauseating, completely miserable, and, above all else, absolutely boring. I could only entertain myself with my phone, because I didn't want to touch anything else--it would just be more to thoroughly clean immediately after use. January 1st Midnight of 2017 was spent in my room listening to my family excitedly cheer "Happy New Year". Needless to say, out of all the years this decade, 2016 was the worst.

2017:

With the residuals of what occurred between The Group and I gradually sputtered to stop, I took the time to stay off the internet a little and focus on my real life. I had to do something with my life. I know what I wanted to do with it. But, the thought of my parents not agreeing with my decision and not being proud of me held me back far too much. Despite having an Associates in Arts and wanting to go in a field that was about The Arts, my parents' (mother's) constant comments of: "Digital Art Degrees are a hit or miss when it comes to getting a job", "You'll never make it out in the Art field", "They're called 'starving artists' for a reason", and then she would proceed to offer ideas for jobs that required either a Science degree or a Medical degree. And... I believed her. Through her constant comments, she had coaxed me to reluctantly work to something she wanted me to be. I mean, she was right: I needed to find a job that would support myself financially, and if getting a Graphic Arts Degree wouldn't do that, then, well, I wasted 4 years of my life in Community College. So, with my mind thinking "Back to Square One", I set out to look for a part-time job. And, in February, I did. It was a short-shift job, but it paid a decent amount to get by for a while. Meanwhile, I paid less time online; only making a few videos for my channel now and then, but also wanting to get my Art/Speedpaint Channel off the ground with videos that are years old (and videos that, to this day, I still have yet to edit and post), as well as posting art when I could (once or twice a month). There wasn't much else that was eventful for the rest of the year; not until a week before Christmas. On our home's doorstep was a package from Amazon that contained an "Adult Coloring Book" titled: Calm the F*ck Down and a pack of Prisma Coloring pencils (which, by the way are not a cheap brand of pencils). Who had sent it, we weren't sure. I know I hadn't ordered it, and I didn't have an Amazon account at the time, so the assumption of it being on my "Wish-list" was out of the question. But, it was a week before Christmas, so it was probably from an out-of-state relative. Little did I know that the individual, who sent it was not either of the two, but someone who I had known, yet hadn't met in real life. And their reasons for sending me the package? Malicious, devious, and text-book level of a psycho. I wouldn't know the identity of said person for another two years. All in all, this year brought new people for me to befriend and meet as well. Of course, after everything that happened, I was very very hesitant to pursue friendships with them. What was the point anyway? They would all end the same. At this point, I had already begun to accept who I was: A narcissistic, selfish, heartless, backstabbing, toxic, indifferent annoyance, harassing, ungrateful, apathetic, hurtful, manipulative, bullying, dramatic, sensitive, arrogant, petty, spiteful, over dramatic, drama whore, lying, shady, sociopathic bitch. People don’t change. I can't change no matter what. But, that’s okay. I’ve come to accept it. And I'll keep doing my best to protect everyone else that I care about—those very VERY small few that are left. The more I can protect from getting close and affected by the monster, the better. Nobody in this world deserves more of that. I tossed those Placebo-Effect pills away, so I could stop lying to myself once and for all that "I changed" and "I'm a better person now". There was no way that, after all that happened, that was true. There's no point in denying it or hiding anymore. I am who I am. I don't like it, but that's just the way things are, and I will forever be that person--No. I'm not even human after all that I've done. I'm a monster, and I'll be that way forever. My Cancer wasn't able to get rid of everyone else's suffering--suffering by the fact that I exist--, and I wouldn't be able to give them that release and make things right once and for all.

2018:

At the cusp of this year around January-February, I had noticed that the friend in the FMA fandom (the one who had given me my new name as well as hope to become better), hadn't been interacting with much as she used to. I found it strange, and I didn't want to assume anything, so I messaged her via Tumblr and asked if I did anything to upset her. Because, after the knee-jerk reactions of the Community, I had come to prefer talking things out with an individual and fix problems in a civil manner. Well, we did talk things out in a civil manner. But, long story short, she didn't want to be friends with my anymore. Her reason: Because she didn't want me to make a Video about her. Where did she come up with that reason? I never made any mention of it to her, and the only reason why I made the videos on my former friends because they actually did something to me and were going out of their way to commit Defamation per Se and Tortious Interference--among basic libel and slander. She had done nothing to me that would make me want to even consider making a video on her. However, despite my best efforts of trying to reassure her, I eventually had to reluctantly respect her wishes and let her go. We un-watched each other, and that was that. But, something was odd... Not only did he un-watch me, but also blocked me. Un-watching, I could understand. But blocking as well? That didn't make any sense... After months of having the worry drive me insane, I eventually came to the realization that tore my apart. I didn't want to believe it, but, after analyzing everything that occurred, nothing else made sense except what I had realized. She was USING me. She was only friends (and "litter sister" to the 2nd-in-Command) with the entire Matriarchy because of me. And what thanks did I get? NOTHING! She gave me false hope that I could change and be better--lying through her teeth the entire time. Not only that... she PRETENDED to be my friend. Like everyone else, she knew my weak spot: Friendship. All that mattered to me. Having the support group to escape to when my parents (mother) didn't give me any and tried to drag me away from the things I loved and enjoyed. They knew it. She knew it--it was her plan all along, wasn't it?! She used me. She. USED. Me. Slept her way to the top, so to speak, without any effort; just rode along on my coat tails until she had no use for me anymore. ...And I was stupid to fall for her feigned innocence and let her get away with it. I stupidly turned around, thinking nothing of the situation until she plunged her knife deep enough to the hilt right through me. ...I know that's an extreme jump to conclusions, but what else was I supposed to think? I thought I was numb after all the other things I had to go through in the previous years. But, after what she did... I couldn't remember a time where I went through that much pain; pain that lasted for months afterwards. Meanwhile, in the real world, I was taking each day by day and doing my best to act as normal as I could around family, despite everything that occurred/was occurring online. I quite my part-time job, and spent the summer looking for a better one; eventually landing a full-time job (my current one) that paid really well and had good benefits. Sure, it took a lot of time away from working on art, especially when the Holidays came around and there was so much overtime I was working between 55 and 60 hours per week. I tried to manage as much as I could with my online status and stay as active as I could though, even if my quality of art never increased because of the lack of motivation and little time I had in between with work in order to put some art together.

2019:

And, now we come to the final year of the decade. I focused more and more on my art and developing it enough to where I became a better Mimicker Artist. Even though there have been many more times where I had to politely put others down when they remarked about "[my] style"; it was a similar reply I would have to make to comments like those before. Other than that, though, there were many ups and downs, like there were every year. Midway through 2019, I met some new individuals, who had left when the Community became too toxic, and got in a call with one of the former friends of The Group (We'll call this individual "J"). Through the call, which lasted about 3-4 hours--there was a lot they had to unpack and let me know--, J informed me of everything The Group was saying and doing behind closed doors on Discord. Even going so far as to get their (former) connection, who had easy access to the Deep and Dark Web, to go after people they they didn't like. One of those people, included myself. Remember when I mentioned that Amazon package I received during Christmas of 2017? It was them. Their reason: "Make [me] so stressed out to the point that [my] cancer comes back in a more severe case and kills [me]." The moment J told me that, I let everyone in the call know that I had to step away for a minute. Then, I muted my mic, and promptly went to the bathroom to throw up. Even if it was way passed midnight after the call ended, I couldn't get any sleep because I was shaking so bad. These people--people, who third-party viewers call "drama whores"--, were more than just that. "Drama whore" was a huge understatement. These people... were psychos. Thankfully, they hadn't done anything else since then (Especially since their little Deep Web friend stopped interacting with them and The Group is against him now). But even so, the fact that these people went out of their way to have me killed just because I was making fun of them for being immature and stupid... it was more than just the epitome of "insane". Who does something like that? Who thinks that the way to "get back" at someone for making fun of you on the internet is to have them killed? Again, thankfully, nothing else has happened since then; but, of course, if it does, I'm calling the police. Back in the real world, I managed to sway my parents to let me go to an Art-Collage. Sure, had I let in on the fact that I wanted to go into Theater or Graphic Arts, they (Mom) would have shot it down immediately and gave me the speech I always got. So, I managed to settle on a Film Degree, which was more like my Plan C (a field that still interested me, but not 100% what I loved), still mostly out of the fear that they wouldn't accept me for a field that I actually wanted to go into. And, for the majority of 2020, I'll be working on saving up to attend that school; hopefully able to get some grants or scholarships so that I won't have to worry about paying the rest of my share after the FAFSA amount is taken out. At the end of the day, and year, at least AAV and I are still as close as ever, and I wouldn't trade her for anything else in the world. I've said it before and I'll say it again: life isn't worth living without her. She's all that I have left in this world that matters. She's the only one I can trust that won't leave or abandon me. To this day, it still baffles me that she didn't drop me and leave, like the others had, when we had our first petty spat. So, if anyone could be considered a "true friend", it would be her. Of course, I still can't get close to others, and I wouldn't even dare try to attempt a new friendship. I try to be nice and civil when others ask: "Can we be friends?" I give them the short explanation of why I can't get close to others anymore, and, luckily, they understand. I know it's wrong, and I should give people a chance, but, after all that's happened, I can't risk anything.

Anyway, so that's my entire Decade in review. It's crazy to think how long it's been since then and how much has happened... The years and events may have changed, but I and everyone else haven't. I know I certainly haven't. Like I mentioned in 2017, I began to accept who I was, and eventually fully accepted it through the entirety of the next year. And, like they have been for almost 10 years, my thoughts never changed on the Matriarchy, and it absolutely disgusts me whenever they (especially the 2nd-in-Command) acts mature and friendly for "brownie points", and saying lies like: "...inspiring others from a healthy approach to pursue whatever they aim for, because it can definitely be achieved. ..." (Not to mention that she has no idea what having an actual reason for anxiety feels like). Well, there's one thing I can agree with her on... there's people that I used to look up to that I shouldn't have. That includes her and the rest of the FMA OC Matriarchs. Because those people are nothing more than self-entitled, immature, holier-than-thou individuals, who act like their word is law, everyone else is lower than dirt underneath them, and use their mob mentality on others for some stupid petty "block brigade" on Tumblr just because someone doesn't like their OC with Ed. Even when I was a small barely-100-watcher DeviantArtist, I saw them all and their true colors and thought that way of them. 10 years later, and my mind still hasn't changed. Because people don't change, no matter how badly they want to--I'm a bright and shining example of that. My goal concerning them is the same that it's always been: "Knock [them] off their thrones." My mind hasn't changed about them. And I still wholeheartedly believe that what they did, have done, are doing is NOT the right thing to do. And I will keep working my tail off until I surpass them and take them down a peg. No one that "looks up to" you should be treated in the ways that they have done over the years. If you're looked up to, be an actual adult for once as well as a good role model. Of course, I am far from being the latter. Little me from 2010 might look at my art and say: "Wow!" But, I just have to say in response: "Kid... forget all you know about art. Go get a degree in the medical or science field. You don't want to go down the path I had to take." Present-Day "Me" isn't someone that 2010 "Me"--or anyone else for that matter--should look up to. I'm not worth anyone's time. I'm a "lost cause" after all, and I'm not someone that should be seen as "inspirational". Not after the things I've done and said over the years. And, through this entire decade, I began to see that the world is nothing more than a dark and cruel place full of people, who will turn against you the moment you disagree with them or abandon you when they have no use for you anymore. (That's not me being "edgy" -__- That's me being realistic). But, then again... had I not pursued this path and found the FMA fandom, I never would have met my best friend, AAV. She's the highlight of every New Year in my life, and, while the world may seem bleak to me the majority of the time... she finds a way to light it up in her own special way. So, even through these ups and downs, I'm happy to have her in my life. She means everything to me, and I wouldn't trade anything else in the world for her. No, we're not a couple--like many have assumed and publicly stated on that rumor--, she and I are just friends. Best friends, yes, but friends nonetheless. But, other than that, I'm going to keep working on art here on dA, because, with this new decade, there will be a new batch of up-and-coming artists. And, while I don't really think I'm someone worth looking up to, I still want to help them work on their craft and make something of themselves. Even if that one former friend used me for her personal benefit... I still enjoyed seeing how happy she was once she was able to start flying on her own, so to speak. It was an amazing feeling, and, knowing that I helped someone achieve that, I just can't help but feel so proud of them. And, I really want to help other beginner artists out and climb up their own mountain. It's okay if some aren't as fast learners as the others; it's the lessons we learn along the way and the mistakes we make to learn from. Anyway... here's to 2020 everyone!

#long post #You Know Who You Are #ironic how within just the few first months of this year.... everything goes downhill xD #Welp. It's always best to get the negative stuff done and over with at the beginning #better to start bad than end bad #madiis musings

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