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batmansymbol · 3 years

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hi riley! read this recently and would love to get ur perspective on this as a YA author https://tinyletter.com/misshelved/letters/did-twitter-break-ya-misshelved-6

hi anon! yeah, i read this the day it was posted. thoughts/supplementary essay below.

firstly, i'd put a big "I AGREE" stamp across this essay. i think it's well-cited and thoughtful, and i agree with pretty much everything in it. i especially appreciate it for introducing me to the terms "context collapse" and "morally motivated networked harassment" - seeing internet sociology studied and labeled is ... odd, but useful.

i left twitter in 2017, but i keep an eye on things, which seem similar now to the way they were four years ago. the essay describes the never-ending scrutiny, the need to seem perfect, and the pressure on writers to out themselves. all of that is spot-on. twitter is an outing machine. there is so much harassment and anger on the platform that in serious conversations, good-faith engagement becomes something that must be earned, rather than something that's expected. and in order to earn good faith, strangers expect you to offer up an all-access pass to who you are. otherwise, things might take a swift left turn into verbal abuse.

obviously twitter is a cesspit of harassment from racist, homophobic, and transphobic people, but i think the most painful harassment comes from within the community. i, and most people i know, wouldn't give a single minuscule little fuck if ben shapiro's entire army of ghouls came after us and told us we were destroying the sacred values of Old America or whatever. but the community at large does care about issues of racial justice and queer liberation and economic justice. which is why it's painful to see this supposed "community" eating its own over and over again.

how cruel can we be to people and pretend that we are their friends? that's the emotional crux of the essay to me. what we're doing to ourselves - people who do share our values and want to achieve the same goals - because this one platform is built on rewarding the quickest, most brutal, and most public response.

god forbid you don't have your identity figured out. god forbid you have an invisible disability, or are writing a story about something sensitive you've personally experienced but had an off-consensus reaction to. on twitter, if you are not a paragon of absolute and immediate clarity, you may as well be lower than dirt morally, because you're unable to do what the platform requires of you: air every private corner of your identity, up to and including your trauma, to justify not only your everyday actions and opinions but also your art.

(this is all honestly incompatible with interesting art, but i'll get to that in a bit.)

it doesn't take a genius to see how troubling this environment is when combined with twitter as a marketing tool. i remember that around the time of my debut, i'd tweet out threads of private, painful, personal stuff, which felt terrible to recount, but i'd watch the like count increase with this sense of catholic, confessional satisfaction. all of this was tied to the idea of my potential salability as a writer.

i was around 21 at the time. i felt a lot of pressure as a debut. i wanted people to like me and think i was exceptionally mature and confident. i wanted to do my job and build buzz for my book. i saw that all these publishing professionals and authors spent day in, day out angry and exhausted on twitter. every few days, a new person fifteen years older than me would say, "i can't take this anymore, i'm so fucking tired of this, i'm logging off for a while." i thought, well, this must be how online activism feels: like running on a sprained ankle.

i can still remember book after book after book that inspired blow-ups, big explanations, and simmering resentment: carve the mark (whose author was forced to admit that she suffered chronic pain after relentless criticism of that element), the black witch (a book explicitly about unlearning racism that was criticized for depicting ... racism), ramona blue (a book about a bi girl who thinks she's a lesbian but winds up in an m/f relationship, because she's still discovering her identity) ... etc

each book, each incident, followed the same pattern. firestorms of anger, a decision of where to place blame, the desperate need for a single consensus opinion in the community. i think a lot of people on book twitter see these as bugs inherent to the platform, but really, in twitter's eyes, they're features. the angrier and more upset twitter's userbase is, the more reliant they are on the platform.

i wound up leaving around the time i realized that not only was twitter making me anxious - NOT being on twitter was beginning to make me anxious, because of vaguely dread-infused tweets all around like "i'm seeing an awful lot of people who are staying silent about X. ... why are so many people who are so loud about X so silent about Y?" etc.

that shit is beyond poisonous. people will not always be logged on. the absence of someone's agreement does not mean disagreement. actually, someone's absence is not inherently meaningful, because it is the internet and silence is everyone's default position; internet silence in all likelihood means that that person is out in the universe doing other things.

this is already a ridiculously long response, so i'll try to wrap up. firstly, i think that progressive writers and readers have GOT to stop thinking that a correct consensus opinion can exist on every piece of fiction, and on every issue in general, and that if someone diverges from that consensus, they're incorrectly progressive.

secondly, i think that progressive writers and readers have got to uncouple the idea of a "book with good politics" from a good book, because 1) there are books about morally grimy, despicable subjects that help us process the landscape of human behavior, and

2) if, in your fiction, there is only one set of allowed responses for your protagonist, you will write the same person over and over and over again. you see this a lot in religious fiction. the person is not a human being but an expression of the creator's moral alignment. (not entirely surprising that this similarity to religious correctness might crop up with the current state of the movement. i read this piece around the time i left twitter and it shook me really, really deeply.)

i understand that in YA, there's a sensation of immense pressure because people want to model good politics and correct behavior for kids. this is a noble idea - and maybe twitter is great for people who want to be role models. but i've become more and more staunchly against the idea of artist as role model. the role of the writer is not to be emulated but to write fiction. and the role of fiction is not to read like something delivered from a soapbox, or to display some scrubbed-clean universe where each wrong is immediately identified as a wrong, and where total morality is always glowing in the backdrop. it's to put something human on paper, and as human beings, we might aspire to total morality, but we fall short again and again. honestly, that's what being on twitter showed me more clearly than anything.

#reply #ya lit #personal #the discourse tm #essay

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phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess · 3 years

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What is your opinion on straight passing privilege? I (bi) don’t think it exists, but a close (lesbian) friend of mine insists that it does bc “You can hold hands with your SO (nb cis passing man) in public without risking being the victim of a hate crime.” I have been researching but keep seeing this same argument coming up, and I’m unsure and don’t want to be making anyone upset if I’m being ignorant here.

I think that there's a lot of fucked up internet politics around who is and isn't allowed in the community. Which is ridiculous.

Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Pan, Poly, Ace, Aro, Trans, Intersex, etc.

The only people who shouldn't be in the community are cishets, and pedos, none of that 'it's a sexuality' nonsense, it's predation.

The concept of straight-passing is ridiculous, primarily because it's all based on assumptions. If you're in an m/f relationship, and you are both cis and heterosexual, it's straight.

But here's the catch, if you identify as any LGBPT+ then it's not straight.

Two trans people in an m/f relationship is not straight passing.

Two bi people in an m/f is not straight passing, it's queer babes, it's in the name. If you're bi and your partner is like, straight, it's still queer from your side of the fence.

It's the 'pick a side' argument from another direction, this straight passing nonsense. Where you are villified by the straights if you have a same-sex relationship (or fetishised, let's be real, every part of the acronymn has it's own p*rn category aimed at straight people with a kink), and if you have a relationship with the opposite gendered person, the queer community gets cranky.

Two things:

1) Is this friend between 13 and 25? Bc they could still be working this out or being mentored by t*rfs, or had some bad info. IT could be jealousy or fear of being open where you live. Perhaps you could question what makes her say that; has she had a bad experience, or did someone say this to her. where are you Are you in america? are there snake wielding jesus warriors near you? Blink SOS if you need an escape route, child

2) Who wins when everyone in the queer community is divided and policing one another? Telling everyone off for dating this person or that person or not at all

I didn't get an invite to the big queer conference to make these decisions, so like, they're not valid. It's some pocket of internet active idiots who think they can speak for everyone.

What we need to do is stop pulling this bullshit on one another and get back to asking just why the fuck it's not okay for people who are perceived as not-straight or cis etc to hold hands in public.

There's a problem for every facet of the acronym, babes and dudes and theys. Lesbians are heavily sexualised by straight cis dudes. Gays are heavly fetisihed by straight cis women. to the point where even saying 'I'm gay' is considered to be an obscene, sexual act that you should not let children be exposed to.

And there's always someone from the opposite gender who thinks they 'are confused' or 'haven't met the right (gender) person yet', or 'they could fix them with their magic genitals' or mumbled religious nonsense. There's such intense stereotypes that people can't stand women who look butch, but also you can't 'really' be a lesbian unless you are' or gay men can't just be, like, a normal dude, instead of some flamboyant in-your-face charicature.

Of course people who match the stereotype exist, too. And they get no respect for fitting into the stereptypes either, it's just another reason for disrespect. There's no winning.

Bi's can't talk to anyone without hearing a question of a threesome come up or being attacked from either side for coice of partner.

Pans, same, but also kitchenware jokes. Both Bi and Pan are considered sluts and whores and can't decide or are going to cheat, etc. Or the 'you're being special snowflakes', 'choose a side', 'you're secretly gay and won't admit / you're secretly straight and want attention' etc.

Ace/Aro - everyone under this banner gets the whole 'you just haen't found the right person' or 'when you're older/you're a late bloomer' or 'how do you know?' or 'maybe you're straight/gay and haven't worked it out yet?' invalidating them completely and trying to push sex onto them. The queer community has always let Ace and Aro in under the Bi banner, and they are welcome. But the internet community, usually young people, are tearing each other to shreds over it lmao.

Chill.

Non-binary, trans, intersex. They have been here for ages, but people from one community try to destroy their credibility, despite them existing since humanity has. It's big on p*rn and fetish sites too, lot of straight dudes think these things are hot and sexy, but would spit on trans people in the street. Hypocrites (I mean, every second low-brow comedy movie out there makes a thai-l*dyb*y joke, and how it 'doesn't count' like yikes).

Nb has only just been recognised, which is funny bc society literally made up gender and the rules and pretended that was how its encoded in DNA lmao.

Transpeople have it bad though. Between the cis straights, the cis queer community (primarily t*rfs and those who fall for misinformation) and the fetishists, and the medical community who treats them like an illness rather than people. Like, they are afforded respect if they 'pass', but even then it's still an EW factor.

Transwomen are seen as 'men in dresses who want to break into women's spaces' and treated horrifically; assaults are very high. Transmen are seen as butch women, and 'gender tr*itors' by the Crazy Motherfuckers we mentioned before; their assaults are high. They're not considered Real People unless they meet the ridiculously high standards for each gender; unless they perform Right.

I remember, but did not understand at the time bc I recall i was little, that there was a gameshpw bachelorette style and there was a big twist. You know what the twist was? That the bachelorette they'd been dating and trying to win over... was trans. I don't think that she knew it would be the big twist, either; of the two men remaining, bother were angry and one might have been sick. Might be on youtube.

But like, that's funny to the non-queer community. They put a huge fucking target on this woman's back, put her in danger of being hurt, abused, killed, by anyone who watched it. By the men who she had 'lied to' as they chose to frame it, of their weird white american families who could have sought revenge. Like yikes.

And intersex people (called h*rmaphrodites for a long time even by medical personnel) were also a p*rn category and/or medical curiosity for centuries. Not to mention all the cases of parents who just went with 'make them a (specific gender)' if there was mixed presentation, at birth, and got mad at the kids for being like "Hey so, you flipped the coin wrong and I'm ___" even thought the potential for this was always on the cards.

And the parents often make a big messa bout how their baby ___ is dead and gone, even if they DO accept the person/child as who they really are. It's like, I get it they have changed but you didn't mourn their first haircut or lost baby tooth like this and that was change too, chill.

Straight-passing is a projection and a weapon. Like, is it the people in the relationship's fault that society looks at the pair and decides they are m/f, straight and cis? Nah, it's what people are conditioned assume and that's on them.

We can't bring it into the queer spaces and keep perpetuating that shit, because it's nonsense. Queer people are dying in other countries and your friend wants to being smart-assed about the fact you hold hands with your nb datemate in public?

Nonsense. That's right up there with t*rfs and the gold-star bullshit that was going on for a few years there. Probs still is among the younger people lmaoooo.

'Passing priviledge' is a myth, and it is used to hurt people. Vulnerable people and those who need support / guidance and assistance from their queer communities more than ever. So try to talk to your friend or try The Whole Friend disposal services, either way, chill.

The real issue here is that any of us are at risk of a hate crime for daring to even show affection in public. That even in safe spaces, 'allies' and those wise enough not to be openly homo/trans/bi/pan/ace/aro/other phobic are still side-eyeing you and wanting to talk 'for you' without listening to the community itself.

We have bigger issues than this, and your friend (and some others on the internet) need to get a grip and prioritise.

[Insert strained analogy about being pro-child but childfree in a suburb where everyone got married out of high school and anticipates you and your partner will too, no matter how often you remind them No Thanks. But you babysat the other day and people thought you and your partner looked like 'naturals' when you took child to the park and played with them. And you remind them, hey, chill, we like kids too but it's not for us. And they get pissy and pushy.]

---------

I can only point it out from my perspective, I'm certain there other queer people from the above acronymn community who can present their thoughts on the matter to and what it means to them.

Thanks for the question, good-bi.

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radfae · 2 years

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I have a question for you.

So a lot of people have told me “if you feel like a lesbian or are more comfortable identifying that way then that’s fine!” But I feel that is very disrespectful because lesbian has an actual definition and it’s not “feeling like one.”

Anyways, I do identify as lesbian, because that’s what I’ve (almost) always thought I’ve been. However I have “liked” a couple boys (I’ve probably liked 5% boys and 95% girls) in my life, but it never felt the same as when I liked girls. I feel like the feelings I had for boys stemmed more from “what can they give me” and less from “I really like them.” It actually took my 10 year old sister coming out to me and telling me something similar to this (in her 10 year old language) for me to understand this.

Does this sound like I might be lesbian? Or am I just a bi girl in denial because I hate men as a class? I don’t want to disrespect lesbians by not fully figuring out my identity and just defaulting to that orientation!

hi anon ! i agree with your initial statement that lesbian definitely holds meaning and you shouldn't identify with it just because it's comfortable. to me, it sounds like you might be a lesbian with comphet, since i've had similar experiences. however, i can't tell you how you feel and what your attraction is, so i'll just tell you a little bit about mine, since it sounds like you might be going through what i have in the past, and i'll let you take from that what you will.

i always knew i liked girls. no question about it. i never had this big, revolutionary moment where i found out i was attracted to women, and i honestly never remember a time when i didn't like girls. that being said, i did have a period of time when i was confused and identified as bisexual. i had 'crushes' on boys growing up, and now that i reflect back on it, i realize that i either just wanted to be friends with them, liked them because everyone else did and i wanted to fit in, or i felt nervous around them because they made me uncomfortable and i mistook this feeling for the 'butterflies' experience.

i also never wanted the attraction reciprocated. i don't want this to sound braggy, but i've been considered somewhat attractive, and i've had a lot of men hit on me and ask me out before. i always, always said no, because i just... didn't want to go out with them. they never really appealed to me. (this never happened with girls that asked me out, by the way! it was a completely different feeling) i was always interested in befriending them, but i rejected every boy who asked me out, no matter what. i thought this was normal and fine (which it is, to an extent!). one time when i was in middle school, i did try to ask out a boy i thought i liked, and pretty much immediately became disgusted when he accepted. this is really funny to look back on, but he asked me if he could hug me and i said no because the concept of being held by a man sounded HORRID and then i didn't talk to him for like a week straight LMAO. i just like. could not physically handle being in a relationship with a man. my 'crush' on him pretty much disappeared completely after that interaction.

mild nsfw under the cut

when i 'liked' boys, i also had to actively try to get myself to fantasize about them. i would try to imagine being held by them or being in sexual situations with them, and it really was uncomfortable. i would *make* myself imagine having sex with a man, and it was an immediate turn off. i would literally get upset thinking about it. this led me to me thinking that i may be on the 'ace spectrum' for a short amount of time, but it's never been this way with women. i am very much not asexual, i just don't want to have sex with males, and i never have.

i hope this gives you some insight into compulsory heterosexuality and my experiences with it and i wish you the best in exploring yourself and your sexuality! i know that you said that you shouldn't self-identify as a lesbian just because it 'feels right', and i agree, but in my personal opinion its okay to try out labels to understand where you fit while you're figuring things out. everyone is different, but labels and being able to fit into a box with a certain definition REALLY helps me feel comfortable with myself and understand who i am. anyway good luck! anyone who wants to add onto this post with advice or their personal experiences can! ^^

#anon #ask #radfem #im not sure if this is a new ask bc it was kinda out of order..?#tumblr tweakin #anyway i hope this got to u quickly

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the-queer-look · 3 years

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Couple Theory

Name: Lucy Age: 24 Location: Glebe Occupation: Bush Regenerator Sexual Orientation: Lesbian Gender: Female

Name: Aisling Age: 21 Location: Glebe Occupation: Customer Service Sexual Orientation: Queer Gender: Female

Lucy – I feel like I’m still figuring out how I’m comfortable presenting because I didn’t come out till I was twenty, which was quite a time after I realised I was gay at sixteen. When I moved to Sydney I really wanted to show people that I was queer, and with much of my influence being from the internet, I wore a lot of the stereotypical lesbian clothing I saw on there – mostly sporty sorts of clothing – but as I’ve gone through, whenever I find something that I don’t hate myself in I wear it over and over again until something new comes along. Recently I’ve been vibing with the look of boots, singlet tops, and making my tattoos very visible. I make myself look somewhat unapproachable with my resting face being a frown, and my outfits being if not aggressive, then non-welcoming, but if people do actually come up to me I really want people to like me, so it all falls away.

Aisling – My daily presentation is just the easy T-shirts and jeans, lots of bouldering merch, maybe a button up if I’m being a little fancy, just a classic chapstick lesbian.

Lucy – Where did your inspo for that come from?

Aisling – What? Jeans and a shirt? Does that need inspiration? I guess I tuck my shirt in to make sure its queer? I have a lot of Vans, and a milk crate full of socks I guess. I used to save up money when I was in high school to put towards my first pair of Vans and I was so excited. I think I have twenty pairs now? Lots of converse, runners, and climbing shoes as well. Colourful socks and shoes are my thing I guess.

Lucy – I remember I was sixteen when I realised I liked girls, but I don’t know what triggered it. I think it was something on TV? I think it was an NCIS episode and they had a really awful portrayal of lesbians, who were identified as gay because at the end of the episode they held hands, and that triggered some kind of twinge in my chest that I’d never felt before.

Ailing – That was your gay bone

Lucy – My gay bone?

K – Yeah, your sternum is your gay bone

Ailing – I’ve torn that twice from being too gay

K – you need to remember to stretch before going out and being gay all night.

Lucy – It was a really weird feeling, I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I went and found out about the episode, and it was of course one of those “oh no homosexuals are evil” sorts of plots. I think that negative portrayal contributed to my negative feelings about being gay, and being so scared to come out. I don’t know where else that would have come from because my parents never expressed any opinion about homosexuality. Those feelings were confirmed when I had my first crush on a girl in my school. I was nauseous more than anything when I realised it, and I just ignored that feeling for years which isn’t healthy. What helped me overcome it though, as I’m sure helped a lot of people from small towns with not much queer representation was the internet, and YouTubers, The Legend of Korra, and Tumblr. (The ending of Legend of Korra) was ust so beautiful, and so revolutionary as well. I remember seeing the ship of Korra and Asami come up on my tumblr, but it was years before the end fo the show, when it actually happened. I remember watching it on a family holiday trip and had to leave the dining table and I was shaking and crying because it was such a huge, beautiful moment that was probably one of the most significant moments of accepting myself. Looking back I definitely associate that final image of them holding hands before going to the spirit world together with my final stage of accepting who I am.

Moving to Sydney was my time to finally come out and explore. I came out to one of my Canadian exchange friends who was here, and they took me to Birdcage (lesbian nightclub in Sydney) where I met some of my friends. My first time in a queer club was like being surrounded by a family who I felt like I knew even though I hadn’t met any of them. That was also the year that the marriage equality vote was passed, So I took that opportunity to find out what my parents thought about homosexuality by asking them what they were voting for. They both said they were voting yes, which made me feel comfortable enough to come out to them the next week.

I’m still learning what are the most appropriate ways to describe myself and my relationship with myself, and how to present myself to the world. The more I learn, the more I will change the way I present myself, and there is a lot more of myself to explore.

Aisling – I think I was around thirteen or fourteen when I saw the show “faking it” - a show about a girl in high school figuring out her sexuality – and I just noticed that I was relating to every situation that the character was going through, and suddenly realised I was questioning my sexuality. I mentioned it to one of my friends that I used to walk to school with, and she would just keep egging me on with “come on just say it, just say you’re gay its fine”. I came out to her as bi at one stage, but I didn’t like that term, I didn’t like the term lesbian either, and still don’t, I prefer to think of myself as queer, or just gay.

When I actually came out two or so years later, I remember telling my close friend group that I was bi… and then later that week just said “nah I’m gay actually”. It was about 7:30pm, on a Wednesday night, after basketball, in the shower talking to myself saying “im gonna do this, im gonna do this”. Just me and my dad home, I psyched myself up for ages and then walked in and out of the kitchen about five times before going “Dad, I have something to tell you” sweating bullets “Dad, I’m gay la di da.”

Lucy – La di da?

Aisling – yes, Father, it’s la di da for me I’m afraid

Lucy – please put my sexuality down as la di da

Aisling – The first thing he said to me was “yeah I always thought you had a bigger obsession with the female tennis players than the men.” and yeah damn he had me there. I hate that I remember the day and everything… like the first of September 2016?

I moved out from my mum to my dad’s mostly because my mum’s partner at the time was very homophobic, and any dinner conversation would turn to him deriding gay marriage, or coming out with some racist shit. Eventually I decided “this bothers me too much, I’m going to have to say something” and it was… really upsetting when he didn’t agree. So of course I came out to my dad first and made him tell mum, which was then an interesting conversation…

“Your father tells me you’ve told him you’re gay?”

“yep, that’s it”

She contacted my school supervisor that night and told all of my teachers to look out for any homophobic acts towards me, letting them know that I was gay and to look out for me.

Lucy – I feel like together we tick a lot of stereotypes

Aisling – We really do

Lucy – We moved in together really quickly

Aisling – We own a cat together

Lucy – Theres that Subaru…

Aisling – I also had a lot of influence from those same queer YouTubers, and seeing their coming out videos and how free they felt afterwards made me really want to share it.

Immediately after I came out everyone at school was very supportive, like they already knew and assumed I was gay because I was just that sporty chick, so being gay just sorta went with it?

Lucy – I think I looked for validation from my parents. When I came out to mum there was no huge deal made about it, butI think validation from them comes in small snippets. Every time mum sends me something, like recently she arranged her coloured chopping boards into a rainbow and sent me a picture with “these are for you!” it’s very small, but its very significant. When I had a really big hickey on my neck, my dad said

“oh who gave you that on your neck? Does he sleep in a coffin?”

“it was a she actually”

“oh does she sleep in a coffin then?”

he just wanted to channel it into a dad joke, but it was a weird way to come out to him actually.

Aisling – To me the term Queer means “everyone included” even just an ally of the community, or a parent of an LGBT person doing your best to make them feel safe and welcome, you’re welcome in the community you know? By properly supporting something, you become a part of it.

Lucy – For me it’s very similar with those lines of community and family. It can be a label, but I feel that its evolving more into a term that indicates embracing all people. I use it sometimes to refer to a collective group of… well queer people. I refer to my close friends as my queer family.

Aisling – It feels better to use than assuming someone’s sexuality or gender without knowing the specifics.

Lucy – Individually I wouldn’t refer to any of my friends as queer. I know one friend refers to himself specifically as a bisexual, man, rather than a queer person. So I definitely like its a more family, community term, rather than a specific label, though It can still be used as one.

Aisling – I like the term because when I first came out I identified as bi, then gay, then bi, then gay, than they? And it feels more appropriate to use for myself because I’m still working it out, and it can cover a lot. For example I don’t think of myself as completely feminine, but I also don’t like the term non-binary to refer to myself, but the idea of “They” still, rather than just being she/her, I like the idea of she/they. And referring to myself as queer feels more of an accurate description.

Lucy – Ever since moving to Sydney and coming out and going to that first club night I’ve always thrown myself into as many queer events as I possibly could. I want to be able to contribute more to the community rather than just be involved in it, a lot of my friends are very engaged in the queer community, and I feel like I don’t have that level of involvement. I love that I’m never scared or intimidated to go to queer events, by myself or with my friends. Whilst I feel very connected to the queer community, I wish I could be more involved. I’m scared that since my friend group is all finishing university and looking to the future, that I’ll lose that sense of connection as everyone moves away, even though I’m sure we’ll all stay in touch.

Aisling – I feel little to no involvement in the queer community at the moment because I’m focusing so hard on my training. I’m involved with Queer Climbers Sydney though, and am looking to get more involved in the future, as soon as I have the time to do stuff.

Lucy – Challenges facing the queer community here isn Sydney… I feel like we need to create a wider variety of safer spaces in more areas. There’re certain areas of Sydney where queer people I know just don’t feel as comfortable. And the ones we do have are always pubs and clubs. Not to detract from queer nightlife; but having so much of queer culture based around adult only areas reinforces the idea that being gay, or trans, or whatever is an adult thing, and makes it easier for people to excuse restricting education about it to kids, which can be so harmful growing up and not having the education to understand yourself.

Aisling – I feel like theres more acceptance towards gay, lesbian, and bi people. But there’s less of an acceptance of trans people, like they can understand being gay, but they cant seem to understand what a trans person even is, much less how to approach them. Probably need more education about it in schools. More comprehensive sex ed instead of just how to put a condom on a fucking banana.

full gallery on facebook

please contact us if you would like to be involved

#lgbt #lgbtqiaplus #thequeerlook #the queer look #fashion #photography #couple #cute #girls #portrait #interview #identity #culture #cat

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thedreadvampy · 3 years

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Like idk what you want from me here. If you want to engage me in a specific question about ace/aro identities, as I've said several times and nobody has ever actually done, then ask me the specific question. Don't fuck around with vague gestures at Points of Discourse and then get cross with me because I haven't answered the Exact Question you Didn't Ask But Expected Me To Intuit.

Preface: If you don't want to answer any of these because you are allo/allo and don't have a say because its not your place, say that. In fact, I'm asking these because you seem to do have opinions on things you shouldn't based off things you have said in the past.

I also want to state that I agree fully with your points about Martin- minus the blatant aphobia. Not just acephobia, arophobia as well.

1. Do you think qprs are problematic? I believe you once made a post saying roughly that qprs are just normal friendships, or something like that, that has since been deleted. What is your current opinion?

2. Are het aros lgbt?

3. Are het aces lgbt?

4. Cis aro/aces lgbt?

5. Cishet aro/aces?

6. Do the spectrums and micro identities exist? You've implied in the past they don't, in the post about how they were supposedly created from sex positivity

7. Can aros be in or desire romantic relationships?

8. Can aces have or desire sex?

9. Does the split attraction model exist and does it benefit people?

10. Can teenagers identify as aro/ace or do you think they're too young?

11. Can you be, say, an aroace lesbian, or an aroace gay, aroace bi, etc. Idk how to phrase this one but like can you be aroace and still id with another orientation?

I could send another anon detailing the aphobia in the post, because I at least am certainly not upset about Martin being sexual, rather it was the very blatant aphobia. It could have stemmed from ignorance, and if that's the case I don't mind explaining it.

Ok this is a lot of questions, some with quite involved answers, so I'm gonna answer them chunk by chunk so it's a bit more manageable, and then I might come back to some of the surrounding message. This isn't gonna be an immediate bang bang bang, but I'll try and work through them over the next couple of days.

Question 1

1. No, I don't think qprs are problematic. I don't necessarily understand them but I don't need to understand them to understand and respect that they're a thing that's important to a lot of people. I don't know what post you're referring to, but I'm surprised that you say it was deleted, because I very rarely delete posts except, occasionally, reblogs where people have flagged up misinformation or dogwhistles or which I reblogged by accident. tbh I'm the messiest online presence I'm way too lazy to delete past posts or block people even when I probably should bc I don't like to feel like I'm ~hiding evidence~. So I'm not saying you're wrong, you're probably totally right, but I'm surprised.

I'm thinking about what posts I've made that you could be thinking of, and obviously I don't remember everything I say on here bc I say A Lot and I actively post to get things out of my head so 🤷‍♀️ but I do remember making a post a while ago where I said that it was a normal expectation of friendship to have some friends close enough that you'll live with them, raise kids with them, etc, and I'm wondering if that was the post you're thinking of? I did have qprs in mind while writing that to a degree, but only because I think 'you wouldn't do this with your friends' is a very common argument people put forward about qprs and I think it's a weak argument, because many people have different definitions of friendship, and the only argument I think is needed for any sort of I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing is...I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing. Like you can't offer a universal materialist definition of the differences between romantic, queerplatonic, sexual and platonic relationships, because the boundaries are very personal and it's really an emotional and experiential difference. so if that is the post you're thinking of, I wasn't criticising The Concept Of QPRs as much as saying that I thought trying to put hard lines around What Friends Do Vs What QPPs Do was a) counterproductive when arguing with someone who thinks QPR is Just Normal Friendships bc. if they do those things with their friends then saying NO THIS IS A QPR THING just reinforces their existing belief that you're talking about the same thing as they mean by friendships and b) to me seems to set a painful expectation to young people that you can only get these kinds of close friendships occasionally and in the form of a QPR and it will be stigmatised and misunderstood (and depending on how people talk about it, is only accessible to aspec people and allo people should only expect it to come through romantic/sexual relationships), when in fact most people of most ages I know have friends with whom they can share things like housing, deep feelings, futures, finances, who they miss if they don't see for a few days, who are mutually supportive and vital to their wellbeing. I don't think that's mutually exclusive with the existence of QPRs though - like I personally don't know what the difference is between a QPR and a close friendship, but I also don't know what the difference is between a romantic relationship and a close friendship but I know there is one and I know it's not a question of What You Do but a question of How You Feel And Interact, and that's pretty hard to define in unambiguous terms.

Like generally I don't Not Think QPRs exist, and I think it's a dick move to try and tell people they're wrong about how they experience and define their relationships because???? how are you meant to know that better than the person whose relationship it is??? but I do think the way people talk about QPRs (both from the perspective of defending them and from the perspective of attacking them) is pretty rife with problems and I don't think it's invalidating the reality of QPRs to talk about where the arguments and language around them potentially falls down or has unexpected consequences.

On the other hand, I don't know if that actually is the post you're referring to - the reason I'm calling back to that is that that and a few resultant asks are the only time I remember talking about QPRs on here in the last year or so. So like, several of these questions reference past posts, which is very fair, but I do need it to be clear that, since I don't really tag anything and I don't have a great memory, I can only really speak to What I Think Now In This Context, not to what I posted in the past and what I was thinking when I posted it. Like, this isn't too deny responsibility - I reckon I'm responsible for what I post even if I don't still agree with it, which is why I don't tend to delete my own posts on purpose - but just to deny capacity, I guess? I don't really KNOW what I've posted so if you talk about it in vague terms (and I do understand that if it's been deleted there's not a lot you can do but that) I may not necessarily be responding to the part of it that's worried you, so if I'm not speaking to something specific I've said or done, it's not because I Don't Want To, I just don't necessarily know to.

I'm waffling about this because looking through your messages there's a lot of "you said X" and like. given that the intended message of the post that's kicked this off was very different to the message people have taken from it, it feels important to me to know whether if I looked at the posts you're referencing I'd be like "ah yeah I did believe that but now I believe X" or if it's more a situation of "oh right I can see how you took X from that but my thinking was more Y".

(also sometimes when people say "you made a post" they mean "you reblogged a post" and I am a compulsive discourse scroller so sometimes I reblog a random post to bookmark my place on someone's discourse blog or I accidentally longpress the reblog button while scrolling - I try to delete reblogs that I don't agree with but sometimes I miss some, all of which to say if there's a post on my blog that doesn't seem to reflect what I say in my original posts then it doesn't necessarily mean I'm a crypto-whatever so much as I'm very lazy and messy with my blog. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be held accountable for reblogs but it's useful to know if we're talking original content or reblogs bc I'm unlikely to fully accidentally make a post. but I quite often accidentally reblog stuff. I doubt this is the case with this sitch just bc of your phrasing but I want to cover my bases)

anyway tl;dr: no I don't believe that QPRs themselves are inherently problematic, nor do I think I have at any point believed that, but I do think that a lot of the language and ideas used to talk about them are based in miscommunication or absolutist ideas about relationships and can have damaging knock on effects.

#i recognise that your past ask implied that it was somehow evasive to answer in long form #so sorry but this is gonna get loooong #but I'd rather be long and honest than say something snappy and absolutist that doesn't reflect what i actually think #so yeah this is gonna go ooooooooooon

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vtori73 · 3 years

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Okay so... I'm making another post again about this (CW for mentions of Biphobia and transphobia):

Only it's not ABOUT this but it's about what I as a queer ACTUALLY care about in terms of rep and such. Real quick I will say that as much I do agree with SOME of these being bad fancanons for being negative/stereotypical whatever I ALSO think claiming some of these as outright harmful is a bit much & grasping at straws a bit.

Anyway moving on, right now I'm seeing specific Lesbians are harassing the writer of the new Harley Quinn Comic eat, bang, kill tour because they wrote her as Bisexual... not a decision the writer made herself but something that was WRITTEN into the original show that the comic is following.

Like... I'm sorry but first things first based on facts if you know anything about Poison ivy before recent depictions she has been heavily represented/written/depicted as straight, I don't believe if she's ever 100% stated as such but... come on, no straight people were back then, media still doesn't feel the need to state characters as hetero because our society very much does the whole "assumed straight unless stated otherwise." And Poison ivy, in certain depictions ive seen at least, comes off VERY much as for the male gaze and I know lesbians are used this way often BUT this isn't as often in certain media like comics (or wasn't common) where they usually would prefer them be open to men so the demographic they care about can fantasize about being with the character.

Second, this IS definitely being fueled by racism since the writer is Black woman (not mention also queer & disabled) and so far the people responding have been white or at least one of the main ones is.

Third, this is just another one those things that to me REALLY shows how Biphobic certain parts of the Lesbian community can get.

Like I'm sorry, what I'm about to type of probably going make some upset and scream "lesbophobia" but I HAVE to share because I can't be the only one who feels this way... I feel wary around Lesbians online sometimes, not because of any stereotypes but because I've SEEN how openly, some Ive followed even in the past, are to complain about us (Bi+) people and openly explain how they DONT want to share spaces with Bi woman. Look I get wanting to hangout with people just like you, BUT its weird how quickly some Lesbians are to want to discard us and not relate to us because we possibly may like, talk about, be in relationships with men and it's even MORE weird that that's a determent to y'all even though these same types of lesbians make their whole identity/community dependant on men (I'm sorry but even if it's specifically about hating men ur still at the end of the day... making it seem like ur sexuality/community hinges on men) and not you know... loving woman.

I've seen some Lesbians complain about how they need Lesbian ('only' heavily implied) bars and how its annoying that bi woman go to them. And countless of stories of Bi woman being shunned, turned down for being Bi, no I'm not saying that is so awful Lesbians don't want to "sleep" with us (why the parentheses? eh just that I'm not going to assume ALL anyone wants to do after meeting in a bar is to fuck it's probably a good chunk of the time but not 100%) I'm saying it's pretty Biphobic, bigoted, etc to turn someone down JUST for being Bi, you obviously only have a problem with Bi people being Bi.

And also yes we do get hurt because duh its Biphobia but we also are ultimately glad to know because we wouldn't want to sleep with Biphobic people anyway we just want y'all to acknowledge it for what it is, a bigoted prejudice, no not a boundary but a Biphobic preference. I know a lot won't get that and scream "it's a boundary, it's a boundary!" and I don't know if they do this to Bi woman who say it but if this was about Trans woman they would also add "you just want to rape, coerce, harass Lesbians into sleeping with you" & usually paired with plenty of misgendering. I feel like I have seen it but only more so in terms of gold star lesbian rhetoric instead of terf rhetoric.

Either way, it just kind of sad, frustrating and annoying that Bi+, trans, etc can't DARE to bring this stuff up without being called Lesbophobic (just using this term would get me harassed & called a bigot on Twitter because it "contains a slur") because we SHOULD be allowed to bring up stuff that hurts us but we can't because LGBTQIA people seem to have this unspoken hierarchy of who gets cared about, believed, listened to first and it's definitely seems based on the order of the letters in the alphabet soup.

But anyway yeah, I have a hard time taking the post I shared an image of above seriously when stuff like I wrote above is going on. Yes I do think being critical of fandom in terms of bigotry is important, ESPECIALLY racism because that honestly is one of the BIGGEST problems since fandom is dominated mostly by white people (specifically women & queer people) however... I don't think the above is a decent example of that, it condenses the issues and leaves out so much needed nuance and such (yes this is cropped so it doesn't include some of the other additions to it but tbf from what I remember it didn't really add nuance, just clarifyed what the first post was doing).

For example, a Bi person headcanoning a character Bi a majority of the time should not be considered Biphobic, even if the character is a negative stereotype PLENTY of people do this as a way to reclaim the character from the bigotry that was written with it. Or the above, if someone hc's a character who is a badass as Bi there shouldn't be an issue. Now if a Bi person hc's others like the above there MIGHT be an issue then. Also, not to mention that identities intersect, if a pan ace person want to hc certain characters a certain way that could be stereotypical should we label them xphobic regardless of their identify?

I just think the original post it too vague and paints all fandom hc the same regardless of who is making them and like I said before, while this can be a problem I have more of an issue with this new trend of shutting down others hc because others claim the character even though the characters specific id is never said & thus should be open to anyone (example: Lesbians claiming its bigoted or get upset at others for hc a character as Bi that they hc as Lesbian even though the character was originally written straight or is very heavily straight coded and/or had relationships with men). Also fandoms erasing characters identities that are outright stated or implied is ALSO a huge thing I find to be more of a problem then the above post (examples: Luz Noceda from Owl house is stated by the creator as being Bi but people are calling her/them (her & her girlfriend) lesbians; another one that I feel is SORT of a problem but I also can't 100% condemn people who do this because the show doesn't help with continuing to be vague about it is Bob Belcher & him being hinted at being Bi but is erased by straight and gay(LG) fans as being straight).

Also I don't apologize for all of my examples being about Bi people, biphobia, etc because I am Bi so that is what I know and experience first and foremost!

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alchemist-shizun · 3 years

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have you ever do coming out? how it was?

I did, and let me tell you, I'm really really lucky, even if not every one of them was a good experience.

I've only fully come out to my other LGBT+ friends, online or irl, who are of course very accepting of everything.

I've come out about my sexuality only (the one I identified with at the time, which actually I realized wasn't for me this year) to a very few number of irl non lgbt+ friends in different occasions, it went really well in both, one quite literally made me feel like it was the most normal thing in the world since I was telling a story and he was completely unfazed when I mentioned I had a gf. The other two were really happy I could open up and trust them and were really supportive and would always ask me how it went with the girl I was with at the time. (these two were around 2018)

Then my family. Well.

This one's a little complicated because it's not that they hate me or kicked me out or anything I just kinda.. Feel like they don't care. And it's the type where you would be scared to bring up anything about the community because you're convinced they wouldn't care nor want to know anything. It's the type of "as long as you don't bother me I don't mind." which is the type of mindset my dad has a lot in regards to my sister's bf (just fyi, she's 21 and he's 23 so like... Wow thanks. Sometimes I feel bad for how he treats her about her bf.)

So when I came out about my sexuality to my mum, she was fine with it, we just talked about some lighthearted stuff.

Then she asked me something where I made a huge mistake, she said "do you want me to tell dad for you?" and I said yes, since I'm too scared. Well in hindsight I should've kept my mouth shut about it: see basically at the time I had an online girlfriend who was a couple of years older than me, and I mentioned that to mum, and basically when my dad confronted me, he did it in the worst way possible.

He was mad I was in a relationship with this person and he claimed she promised me something out of it?? Like I was with her only because of something and not because we liked each other. He hated (I think he still does, softened up a bit because my sister has had a long distance bf for 1 year) internet friendships or relationships and my mum lowkey did too because she kept saying how basically it's not real because it's all digital and digital life isn't real. (this really upsets me because what, then you would excuse cyber bullying with that type of reasoning? But whatever, not the topic)

So he was really mad at me and demanded he looked through my phone, to which I couldn't say no or else he would think I was hiding something (and anyway, if I said no he would've done it anyway), and he started looking through the entire chat (and other ones with my friends) and read thousands of texts.

Now at the time I had only said I liked both boys and girls cause I know the concept of nonbinary is already too complicated for them to understand and unfortunately my dad came across the label pansexual (since the gf at the time was pan), I explained it to him and he just said I read too many things on the internet.

Imagine how hurt I was because that was actually how I used to identify back then.

Things escalated during those months, everytime he got mad at me, he would randomly take my phone and read conversations I had with this girl and he would comment on them just because and make me feel even worse, he basically hated her and lowkey hated the fact that I was with her.

The worst thing was that I sadly vented to her about him sometimes and he would basically prohibit me to vent and that's how I ended up deleting every single vent moment I had right after we talked. Years later I come to know that my sister had actually access to my chatting app and would tell my dad what we said, which is why he told me back then "I know you're deleting texts".

My mum wanted to send me to therapy because she didn't understand a single thing of what I said when I said I wasn't sure whether I liked boys girls AND more or just boys and girls. She thought I meant I didn't know if I was straight or not, I meant I didn't know if I was bi or pan, which is why I never mentioned gender identities to them and why I am closeted about me being nonbinary to them. (btw this was the understanding of the difference between bi and pan at the time, I was 15, I now know it's more complicated than that.)

About my sister, she came to know in the worst way possible too. For some reason I was afraid she would be homophobic and after I told mum, there was this one time I was at a restaurant with family friends and my cousins, aunt and uncle.

May I say I was sitting right between my cousin and my sister and in front of my aunt.

Unprompted, she asks me if I'm gay, but like she used this Italian phrase that I really don't like much, since it's usually used to make jokes by straight people about someone being gay.

I was there like GOD FUCKING DAMN IT we're LITERALLY next to our cousin and aunt COULD U SAY THAT LOWER. I told her I wasn't straight and, I don't remember much really, but she was offended I didn't tell her first. Like, wow, okay, coming out is difficult as fuck, but go on, be offended.

I had to go to the bathroom right after because I had an anxiety attack.

After things quieted down with my parents (as in my dad wasn't taking my phone as much), things started escalating with the girl I was with, she assumed a rather toxic behavior and I ended up dumping her.

Can still remember how my sister told me dad had said "thank goodness" when he learnt I wasn't with that girl anymore.

How also my mum said "cmon maybe next time you'll get a boyfriend". Wonderful comfort mum yes I already had a bf before, he dumped me one month after because he liked someone else not sure I want to try the experience again!! :)

Anyway, this is the reason why I do not talk about my relationships to my parents anymore. I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years and my dad knew nothing. My sister did because she actually grew a little bit better about this stuff (she's the embarrassing questions type, but at least she's not a bitch) and my mum knew around 6 months in, because she asked and we were alone. (I still think she thinks I'm a lesbian)

Also the reason why, when I got a pride flag while on school journey in the UK, I hid it in my drawer. And the reason why I'm terrified of asking of going to pride.

As of now, I have a lovely partner and yes, my entire family absolutely doesn't know and will not know if not strictly necessary. Maybe I will tell my sister, I was thinking about it, because that could probably make some personal stuff less difficult to do.

See, technically it's not that bad now, we just never bring it up at all and I never think about the clusterfuck of things that happened in 2016.

#long post #purp and anons #panphobia #coming out story #tw bad parents #tw toxic relationship

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imythology · 4 years

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Over my years on tumblr I’ve seen so many posts about how harmful the split attraction model is and I’m not sure...it’s the problem. And this is probably going to get people on all sides upset but here we go

The split attraction model was created by aspec people FOR aspec people. A lot of aspecs I know use it or have used it at some point and find it very helpful— it helps us further understand and describe complex attractions that can be difficult to navigate when part of the feeling is not feeling. Also, it can help other people understand what our attraction is like. Not every aspec person uses this model and no one has to or is forced to, it’s something that’s there for those who’d like it

But that doesn’t mean people haven’t taken it too far. Of course there have been people who have pushed this labeling system on people who do not want it or who it does not apply to, aspec or not. I remember my first queer studies class, on the day we talked about asexuality, one person talked about how their friend had been repeatedly harassed for not using th split attraction model and people demanded she identify herself with it, which is absolutely not ok

But I don’t think the split attraction model is inherently bad

No, no one should police how people define themselves, but that goes both ways. Aspec people who use the split attraction model can’t tell others they HAVE to use it, but non aspec people can’t tell those who do that they can’t

I’ve read plenty of posts about how the split attraction model was a barrier to people realizing that they DID feel sexual attraction. One example that I’ve seen being lesbians who identified an ace lesbians for a long time before realizing they were sexually attracted to women, because they had internalized the the idea that lesbian sex was bad. That sexual attraction to women was bad

But is that a problem with the split attraction model itself? A lot of people, myself included, have gone through multiple labels for their sexuality trying to find out what was the most accurate. Just because one didn’t work for you didn’t mean it was bad. Instead of these posts convincing me the split attraction model is bad and harmful, they’ve just reinforced how much internalized homophobia we learn from society. The option of being ace doesn’t seem to have been the problem, it’s the fact that we’ve been taught that gay sex is dirty

I’ve seen this argument applied to aspec identities as a whole as well, but just because someone thought they might be aspec and weren’t doesn’t invalidate the identity. And saying the split attraction model is harmful goes against all the people who use it who ARE bi aces or demi lesbians or any of the combinations that could exist, because sexuality and attraction are complicated

YES there are concepts and theories that are harmful or problematic at their roots, I just haven’t been convinced that this is one of them. There are people on both sides of the discourse who have gone way too far — I won’t deny that some aspec people have said really awful and homophobic things — but pointing at the split attraction model and saying it’s inherently harmful... I don’t buy it. It’s just a labeling system, one that I personally rarely see non aspec people use, because for non aspec people, it’s just not as relevant

The split attraction model existing isn’t harmful or homophobic. It’s OKAY to use it as a stepping stone to better understand yourself and your sexuality, especially if you’re unlearning internalized bigotry. It’s ok to change labels. We’re all allowed to do that as we better understand ourselves and how we relate to others. But this model I don’t think is to blame for the things we’ve internalized, and it’s also harmful to say to aspec people that their way of understanding their attraction is dangerous and invalid

So the split attraction model is fine. Take it or leave it, because it is your choice, but don’t invalidate those who do use it

#t #rosebay.txt #aspec discourse #split attraction model #aroace #asexuality

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dreamonminecraft · 4 years

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oh yes, tell me more about this beautiful lesbian slowburn. I’m a sucker for a good love story

Okay so to start off, My sexuality fluctuates greatly throughout this story, but as of now I identify as a Bisexual lithsexual lesbian, which means that I am attracted to lots of people but lose attraction when the feelings are reciprocated, and I'll only date girls.

The story starts off August of 2018. I was starting 6th grade (middle school) and didn't really have any friends aside from a few people that I had last talked to in 3rd grade.

It's important to know that I'm a GT kid and so I almost always have the same group of about 20 kids. This started when I changed to an all GT class for 4th grade.

While it's nice to have a comfortable learning environment, it also means that there's no escape from any drama, and you get to pick friends from the very small pool of kids that you'll spend the rest of your education with.

This is a pretty long story as well and I'm not sure I'll be able to accurately retell many of the things because dates get mixed up and stuff. Anyway, I'm gonna try my best to explain but these are really only the things from my point of view and I don't remember a lot of the things. (This is also gonna be written like a fanfic because that's all I know how to write, I apologise)

So start of sixth grade, I don't really have any friends, I'm kind of this awkward nerd, there's 2 people in my class (we switch classes like normal middle school, but I'm with the GT kids for most of the day so that's what I'll refer to them as) that I've known for years, a few I've met before, but mostly new people.

I sit by some old friends from volleyball at lunch for the first few days but begin to feel unwelcome. One day I decide to sit by these two people that I know are in GT but haven't talked to before. I don't say anything, but I sit and they don't mind.

The next day we get new seats in English. I'm behind a boy named Owen, Inara, who is one of the girls I sat with at lunch, is to my right, and in front of her is a girl named Emilyse.

Inara and I hit it off immediately.

It's kind of crazy because we're both crazy anxious introverts, but we gel nicely. I'm a boyband-obsessed 11 year old and she's a mature and mysterious 11 year old.

She's a lefty. I'm a righty. The way we've been placed makes us bump arms everytime we try to write anything.

We have every class together. Somehow, we sit next to each other in every class as well, even in the ones where we didn't pick our seating chart.

It's September. I cry over boybands. She watches curiously.

For the next couple of months we casually talk. She spends every lunch period in the library. We text occasionally.

I have another friend who takes priority. His name is Logan. We got introduced by his friend Lennox when she asked for my phone number to give to him.

Lennox and I don't talk. Logan and I text nonstop for months. We discuss possibly dating in the future. I identify as bisexual and biromantic at this point.

I've been in this position before. Having mainly guy friends growing up puts me in a lot of awkward friendship/relationship situations. They always end the same.

I have an issue with dating in middle school. You're not dating if you don't go on dates, hold hands, kiss, or cuddle. But you can feel like you are.

In December Logan starts being mean. We start a game where we step on each other's shoes at lunch or in the hallway. It's fun.

Eventually, he recruits his friends to do it to me, too. It's a joke a first, but eventually there are 10 middle school boys chasing me and trying to hurt me.

I get kicked in the hallway and fall. Someone steps on my arm and people laugh. Logan watches. I tell Inara and she steps on his shoe for me.

Logan and I stop talking. Inara and I hang out more. By early January, Inara has stopped going to the library at lunch. We hang out with Emilyse in the field instead.

I text Logan one day in mid January and ask why we fell out. He says that I told someone that I was going to punch him in the face.

The person he said I told, only talked to me at the bus stop, and he didn't ride my bus. I had never said it in the first place, but his logic made it even more frustrating.

I tell him I got scared because I had a crush on him and didn't want to make things weird. It was a lie.

In February I came out to someone for the first time. They asked if I was bi and I said yes.

By March I had accepted that coming out didn't really make a difference. Inara and I hung out at school but not really anywhere else.

My birthday's in April. I invite her, Emilyse, and Rebekah. We paint rocks and draw on a table cloth. Emilyse feels distant.

Emilyse is homophobic. We find out in English one day. I don't remember how. Inara and I look at each other. We know we're both queer but haven't come out to each other.

I ask Emilyse if she would hate someone in GT for coming out. She says yes. Inara and I stop talking to her.

By May I've become obsessed with Marvel. Inara's interested in it and I decide to be, too. We talk about the movies. It gets awkward. She's not as interested when I get in on it.

By June we're best friends. We hang out fairly regularly, have all our classes together, and text all the time. Logan is forgotten.

School lets out at the start of June. We keep texting regularly. We make plans to see the new spiderman movie in early July with one of our other friends.

I have a complicated relationship with said friend. They're non-binary, although I didn't know it yet, and I've known them since Kindergarten. Inara met them in an advisory this year. I get jealous easily.

The day of the movie I shop at Kohl's. I buy the two of us matching shirts. We meet at the movie theater and it's awkward. I pay for popcorn and sneak in snacks that we share. Our friend's dad is there, but Inara and I don't have parents present.

We sit next to each other during the movie. At a certain scene, I start to get anxious. My stomach hurts and I can't breathe, I start to get sweaty.

I get up and rush out of the theater. I get to the women's bathroom and sit down on the floor of the very last stall. I'm panicing, dry heaving into the toilet, and trying not to cry. I try to text my mom that I'm having a panic attack but don't have reception.

I go back into the theater room after a few minutes. I'm still anxious, but better. Our friend is highly concerned, Inara just glances at me worriedly.

It's my first panic attack, and it sucked.

We leave awkwardly after it ends, trying to avoid the obvious elephant in the room. My mom is concerned when she picks me up. We don't talk about it. My dad and brother are watching it illegally when I get home.

We don't see each other until August of 2019, but continue to text through the rest of the summer.

When 7th grade starts, I'm still into Marvel. I've seen all the movies at this point, but there haven't been any new ones (even now) since FFH. Inara's interested, but not fully.

In late August/Early September we take BuzzFeed quizzes for fun and text each other the results. I take one about soulmates. I get her initials. I send her the link. She gets mine.

We take more and they all point to us being soulmates. We propose by sending pictures of rings over text. The wedding date is set for September 28th, 2019.

The time comes. It's Saturday and my brother has a double football game. We've planned to pick her up and take her there. It's a Christian league, so the games are at a church.

We go to the garden. There's a small white bench in some rocks, surrounded by flowers. We joke that we've had our ceremony. We wander around for a while longer.

My dad suggests that we go to the taco bell across the parking lot. We do. When we're done, we walk back to my house. Its not far, but we're alone. I carry her halfway back.

When we get to my house we pick things from my garden. We're barefoot and I'm wearing overalls. I joke that we're gonna get a farm one day when we're older.

She picks things while I stand back and watch. The sun hits her dyed-red hair just right. I vividly remember smiling at thinking "holy fuck she's pretty" you would think I'd put together my crush by then.

October rolls around and she cancels plans to go trick-or-treating with me. I'm upset but understand.

We "work" on a school project at her house. We don't actually get anything done before cuddling up on her bed and falling asleep to black panther.

In November, it's Emilyse's birthday party. We've gotten distant but still talk occasionally. Inara and I both go to the party.

We're watching Spiderman Far From Home because that's what Emilyse wanted. I've seen in twice, Ianra has too.

We're given candy and popcorn and then curl up on the couch. Inara and I sit next to each other.

(I forgot to mention this but at some point she stayed the night at my house. She slept on the floor in her swimming suit even though I asked if she wanted to sleep on the bed. Swimming was fun though. We also go to an arcade. We mini-golf and play laser tag. We also danced in the rain together at some point that day.)

Once we're no more than 15 minutes into the movie, I'm cuddled into her chest. It's important to mention that at this point I'm 5'6 and she's no more than 5'0.

We cuddle the entire movie. We share candy and pretend no one else is there. It feels great.

We don't talk about that night for months. Nobody brings it up. I come out to Rebekah around this time, saying no more than that I like girls. I still haven't told Inara.

By December, I've brought her to church a few times. I don't enjoy going to church, but my parents always encouraged it.

(I'd like to say at this point as well that I have been raised Christian and identify with the faith despite the fact that I despise Church and disagree with many of the common teachings. If I ever had to choose for some reason, my sexuality matters more to me than my religion. Regardless, I respect your beliefs if they differ from mine :) )

Inara's birthday is in mid December. Her party consists of us making gay jokes with our enby friend despite not being technically out to each other.

My church youth group plans ice skating. I invite her and she accepts. I'm worried about it. It's essentially a date. Neither of our parents will be there.

We carpool with the youth leaders, who are actually pretty cute for a hetero couple. Inara and I share awkward glances the whole time.

When we get there I learn that Inara took ice skating lessons as a child. She's much more confident than I am, but pretends she doesn't know what she's doing. I skate about once or twice a season, but also rollerblade.

There's a wet, sloped, melty part of the rink. I get nervous and grab her hand. She holds it until we're out of the melted ice.

Every lap around I grab her hand at that point. Eventually, we just keep holding hands for an entire lap.

By the end of the night, we've both fallen a few times but held hands the whole time. We drop her off and I say goodnight.

That night, I rant about the adventure to one of my (ex)friends, who excitedly listens to my talk about holding hands with a girl.

There's a GT Christmas party at Hannah's. Inara and I carpool there. It's an all together boring party with the exception of a few interesting truth-or-dare questions.

(side note, remember Owen? Well he's one of Inara and I's best friends and we were actually close enough that the three of us were basically cuddling on the couch during part of the party. Also the whole class knows about Inara and I's wedding and calls us wives.)

Paislie asks me if I wanted to "marry" Inara before we got "married". I mumble an answer that nobody hears. I don't repeat it. When it's time to leave, Inara and I have our legs intertwined on the couch. We don't mention that, either. We drop her off and I say goodnight.

January is good. There's a night, the 4th I believe, that we really connect. We officially come out to each other for the first time on that night, and it gets really real, really fast.

She says she's pan, I say I'm bi but confused.

In mid January she texts me that she's crying because one of her favorite YouTubers finally hit a million. She cries for hours but never tells me who. I pay it no mind.

A few days later, she mentions a YouTube channel called Unus Annus and tells me that it's super interesting. I text back but don't look it up.

A few more days pass and I'm randomly on the trending page for YouTube, which I never do. I see a video trending called "Mark and Ethan go casket shopping". The thumbnail is interesting enough that I check what the channel is. I notice it's the one Inara told me about.

I watch the video and subscribe within 5 minutes. I text Inara quotes from that video, Ethan Finally Becomes a Man, and the Lie Detector test videos, until she responds and is surprised that I found the channel.

I obsess quickly and depend on her to know the new video at 1pm everyday. She gets annoyed and we drift apart slowly.

In February things get rocky. We fight often. If I win a small argument she doesn't talk to me for hours. She gets pissed at refuses to tell me what the Unus Annus video is called if I ask too many times.

At some point I get fed up and confront her. I don't remember what about, but we stop talking all together.

Friends pick sides. I'm left alone. We don't talk for a month. She tells me that she pushed me away because she thought I'd react badly to her telling me she loves me.

I confess my crush. She tells me she feels the same.

We finally make up at about 8:30 on a Sunday night in March. It's not fixed but we plan to talk. And 9:00, the school district announces that it's shutting down until least after spring break.

We stopped trying to communicate, but eventually, slowly we started talking again. We text a few times a day now, mostly about UA and anxiety, the best combo.

We haven't seen each other since. We're probably going back to school in person in about a month, but I'm not sure. Nobody is.

I've called her my girlfriend on here before, simply because I don't know what we are. I joked the other day about how the youth leaders would react if I said I was texting my girlfriend.

Here's how that went:

So we're just jokingly married for now! It's a confusing pile of garbage but we both came out as lesbians the other day so that's a new development.

I don't know if any of that makes sense but I'll answer any questions anybody has :)

#asks #elle has girlfriend issues #unus annus #crankgameplays #markiplier #yes the guy who hit a million was ethan #thank you kait #im sorry this is so long #lesbian #wlw post #wlw culture #LGBTQ

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wild-at-mind · 4 years

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TW internalised misogyny, internalised biphobia, self loathing

I remember a time on tumblr when people other than gender critical variety TERFs used the phrase ‘identify out of womanhood’, believe it or not, that was a thing said by decent people once. Anyway the reason I identified out of womanhood, or am currently trying to at least, was nothing at all to do with me thinking being a woman is bad. It was being a bi woman, specifically a bi woman who has never and will never date a woman due to already being committed to a man, that was the hardest thing for me. This isn’t about lesbians vs bi women at all, I won’t have any of that. It is about ‘people who understand why acknowledging that they are into women matters to bi women dating men, and people that don’t’. (Acknowledging could mean: expecting to be treated like someone with a stake in wlw matters even if they are dating a man, or just using their identity to describe themselves openly, or many other things.) I mostly encounter these things online, often in places that pretend to be supportive of ALL bi women, which is what makes it so painful I think. The stereotype is that the bi woman will bring her horrible, misogynistic boyfriend into queer spaces. She will predate her fellow wlw for threesomes. You’ve heard these ones. She probably is not even bi, really, she kissed a girl at a party maybe, every straight girl does that, why she decided suddenly it was important enough to her to form an identity around you have no idea. The fact that she and her boyfriend may talk together about women they find attractive is very offputting to you, almost despicable, and infinitely more disgusting than the prospect of a man finding a woman attractive just on his own. Because that’s to be expected, no, but a bi woman should know better than to indulge a man in that sort of thing!

A community that well recognises the importance of belonging suddenly seems to forget when they ask, well why does a bi women with a boyfriend need this kind of space anyway? Your relationship doesn’t define your sexuality but also bi women with boyfriends go in the special category of ‘least concern’, can leave whenever they want, and do. Your sexual history doesn’t define your sexuality, but here’s a list of famous people who we have deemed bisexual based on the list of people they are known to have slept with, regardless of what they actually identified themselves as. Are you looking for community, for history, well don’t you know bi women of every life experience have historically always been treated exactly the same as lesbians? Yes, you who have dealt with repression of your sexuality that caused you to entirely miss out on the opportunity to perhaps date women in the 2000s and 2010s, if you had been around half a century ago you would for sure have been brave enough to date women and join gay scenes! (Anyone who doesn’t find this generalisation comforting will be treated with slight suspician.) Add to that the general suspician any woman into women faces when she dares express sexual feelings towards women that are purely about sex. And that’s a lot. I don’t want any of this baggage. I couldn’t think of any other way to escape it and I feel so much better without it. There were other reasons, of course, but given that for a while on tumblr there was a whole ‘lesbians can essentially undergo a full physical transition and still maintain their essential connection to womanhood through their fierce and dedicated love of women! (info on bisexuals not found)’ movement, it’s no wonder I got a little confused. Who will connect me to womanhood?

You may feel that my problems could be solved by spending more time in irl bi spaces. Thanks for your concern, but I do (or at least I did, before covid). In fact all this baggage was actually hindering me in those spaces- meeting people who have roughly similar experiences to you is great, but it’s not fair to expect new people I meet to suddenly become my confidiant and take on the responsibility for making me feel accepted in LGBT spaces, even specifically bi+ spaces. I would love to socialise without carrying that baggage.

(Sorry if this is upsetting to anyone, I may delete it later, I don’t know. It’s just how I feel and have felt.)

#bisexual #bi woman #bisexuality #nonbinary #depression daze #i'm really sad #self loathing #there are other reasons i've been IDing as nonbinary that are positive #this post isn't about those

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jamiebluewind · 4 years

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Hey so I saw your post about the correct terminology to use when referring to LGBTQIA+ folk and it was really helpful! It made me remember a question that I had so hopefully you can help out with it? It's about Steven Universe and how gems are non-binary but all the gems we see identify as female and are referred to as such by the creator and fandom. I saw a post that stated calling Ruby and Sapphire (two gems) lesbians is wrong because they are non-binary. But if they identify as women (1/2)

Then arent they technically representative of both? Since their species/type of being is non-binary but they identify as women and are in a relationship together? Sorry for the randomness of this question but I saw your post and figured I'd see if you can help. Thanks for any help you can give and I hope you're safe! Cheers! (2/2)

First off, here's the post they are referring to if anyone is interested.

It honestly depends on the person/people and what terms feel right to them! Yes the gems use she/her pronouns and present in a way that conforms to what we consider feminine (save certain fusions), BUT that does not make them any less nonbinary than someone who presents in an androgynous way and uses they/them. How someone presents themself does not corroborate or invalidate their identity. There's no right or wrong way to be nonninary or trans for that matter. You just... are.

Now on to the complicated stuff! Some nonbinary people add an additional identifier to better explain how they feel in their mind and body (think of it like the gender version of romantic vs sexual identity). For example, a nonbinary woman could be someone who is nonbinary acknowledging that they were socialized as a woman OR a nonbinary person who feels the most comfortable presenting as a woman regardless of their birth gender.

When it comes to attraction, the words to describe who one is attracted to can get a little confusing for people who don't neatly fit in the binary, so it is often left to what the person feels most comfortable with. Nonbinary people don't HAVE to like all genders (as many automatically assume). Choosing lesbian/gay over gynosexual/androsexual isn't automatically wrong either (and is actually what some of them prefer to describe themselves with). I have many friends on the nonbinary spectrum that I call home and the terms they use to describe who they are attracted to varies and depends on the person's preferences.

Now on to gems. If I allow myself to assume (which I don't do with real people, but I can't actually ask them so here we are) Ruby and Sapphire seem to be nonbinary women or genderqueer. What words we use for them would normally depend on what they are comfortable with, but using what we know, she/her, nonbinary, woman, or lady should be okay (maybe also boi) until told otherwise. As far as attraction goes, they seem to both be attracted to people within the feminine spectrum, so both lesbian or gynosexual (or perhaps gynoromantic asexual) would be acceptable words until we find out their terms. WLW could also be a possibility. Really, we can only guess and accept that their actual terms could be something we have not considered and words they disapprove of might not be ones we have considered.

For example, I'm nonbinary, my exact term is femfluidflux (I move between female and nonbinary genders without ever getting over to a majority masculine identity) demi-omnisexual (I like all the genders, but I need a bond with someone to feel attraction), I'm good with most pronouns and words except "Miss" (which is upsetting and can make me feel dysphoric), and my female appearance does not invalidate my identity or visa versa. Without speaking to me, you would have to assume a lot of that based on context clues and no matter how good you are at sleuthing, you wouldn't get it EXACTLY right and that's okay! Most of us will correct you when necessary and appreciate people trying.

Tl;dr: We can't know the exact identity of fictional characters unless it comes up in the show/book/movie or the creator tells us (and even then - just like in real life - those words can change when a better one is found). We can only use context clues and must accept the fact that it will be imperfect. As long as the guess is respectful and does not ignore canon, it's fine. With nonbinary characters, you can use the information above to help. When it comes to real people though, just ask. If we want you to know, we'll tell you ^_^

PS: Sorry my reply took so long. Life has been crazy lately!

#bluewind answers #lgbtq+#nonbinary

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liesyousoldme · 5 years

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i identify as bisexual but i’ve had a lot of trouble over the years pinning down how i feel and who i’m attracted to. sometimes even now, i worry that considering myself bi is just a way of including comphet crushes i’ve had/currently have without recognizing they’re comphet. i identified as pansexual for a while, i identified as a lesbian for over a year, but i felt just a little bit off. i can count the number of men i’ve been attracted to on two hands. the majority have been celebrities. two in real life.

and the thing is, i fully 100% understand comphet and i still have trouble recognizing if that’s what i’m actually feeling or not. there have been so many times over the years that i’ve found myself saying “i have a crush on this male celebrity, i think he’s really hot, i love him, etc” and then being on tumblr or whatever and scrolling past his face quickly because somewhere in the back of my mind i know if i look too long i’ll have to admit i don’t actually find him that attractive. and that’s my experience with the huge huge huge majority of men.

but occasionally! even after putting it up to intense examination, i feel like, hey, i think i actually am attracted to this one. and i can’t just ignore that there was a boy i was in love with as a teenager. because after all these years i’m still pretty sure those were legitimate feelings. i craved physical contact in a way i almost never do with men. and i very briefly dated a guy a few years ago that i found myself actually wanting to make out with (rare as fuck for me to feel that about a guy) and actually fantasizing about him and it didn’t work out because he was the most awkward fucker alive but that attraction was real!

but for the most part i’ve had to recognize that a lot of the crushes i thought i had on guys weren’t really crushes. i think back on the amount of times i didn’t think a guy was cute until one of my friends was like “oh i like him” and then it was like.. i picked him as my crush. because when you’re a preteen or teen girl you’re pretty much required to have a crush or people will think you’re a lesbian (at least where i grew up). i remember having to convince myself i thought a guy was cute. i couldn’t look at my crushes in the eyes because part of me knew i wouldn’t be able to lie to myself about it if i looked at them for too long.

so i identify as bi because i don’t want to discount the feelings i’ve had in the past for these few guys and because i don’t want to close myself off in the future in case i again find myself really liking a guy. but the concept of compulsory heterosexuality is incredibly familiar to me, and i think that’s why it upsets me so much to see people write it off. even in a “yeah comphet exists but that’s not what this is” when.... i look at it and i’m like yeah no that’s quite literally exactly what comphet feels like. those mirror the exact thoughts i would have about guys.

#anyone else have a similar experience bc i've always felt really fucking weird #i've had so much trouble figuring out my sexuality #i know i like girls #it's the guys i have difficulty with #i can count genuine attraction for 7 guys in my entire life #and i wonder if that's even enough to consider myself bi #or gay with a few exceptions? who fucking knows?#why is everything so confusing?#i feel like i'm also thinking about this rn bc of the fight i had with my dad #it would just be super cool if my brain could shut up #personal

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writinglionqueen · 5 years

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Something I wanted to share since it was pride month; my coming out story.

For the record, you as an individual do not have to come out if you are not safe/comfortable coming out. It takes a lot to come out sometimes and, sometimes, staying in the closet is safer than coming out. Do so when you are safe. With that, this can be long and emotional for some so put your mental health first if you feel like coming out stories can be triggering for some so please don’t read if it might. There’s not a lot of bad in this story, but I don’t know how others may perceive my story. (Also, as a note, a lot of my language is kinda informal in terms of finding all this out...that’s kinda the point. I was learning who I was throughout the entirety of my life and this is kinda how I rationalized who I was and how I observed everything and how I came to terms with it)

If you didn’t read my header, I’m bi. I’ve been out since 2016. I will explain the process of me figuring it out and how I told everyone.

So, I think I knew I was different from elementary school. I would call myself a tomboy and be “one of the guys.” I didn’t like the things the other girls liked; i.e. Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, and Justin Beiber. Instead, I always played with the boys (this could also be because I couldn’t find a girl who was into the same things as me). I would play kickball (even if I sucked). I would play Pokemon and pretend to be superheroes with the three boys I hung out with. Elementary school was also the first time I remembered WWE being a tiny portion of my life. I would pretend to be Kelly Kelly and pretend to beat up the boys (we obviously couldn’t wrestle on the blacktop so we pretended to fight bad guys as WWE people). But I was always that girl who didn’t like to be girly. Not by a long shot so I associated myself with boys and kinda had the thought process that overly girly-girls had cooties (yikes to little me).

In elementary school, I was pretty sure my art teacher was “different.” What I mean by this, and my twin and I talked about it a little more recently in life than when we were in elementary school, because she had incredibly short hair, kinda like a boy style. My twin had recently told me that she doesn’t ever remember out art teacher ever referring to her SO other than partner. Looking back at her now, I am pretty sure she was/is a lesbian. I liked her though. She was creative and made me laugh during the scathes amount of art classes we had with her. (So she could technically be my first interaction with a lesbian. I can’t confirm or deny since I’ve been trying to find her on social media)

Moving into middle school, this was technically my first real experience around a lesbian. There was this girl who was the only one out. She was very much the “tom-boy” persona. As I knew of her in middle school, she had a girlfriend in the 8th grade who was super femme. During the 8th grade, one of my friends decided to have a sleepover and invite the two girls (even though she kinda grumbled about how she didn’t want the two alone.) So at the sleepover, all the girls were supposed to sleep in the large family sized tent they had set up for us. We hung out in it until the early morning, until then some girls wanted to sleep while others played truth and are. Let’s just say, they dared the lesbian couple to make out, they did and it ended with the tom-boy lesbian fingering her femme girlfriend. It didn’t confuse me, but it did make me really think about those kinds of things. This is when sexuality was technically first introduced to me because I think I remember being turned on by what happened.

In late elementary school to middle school. I had a downstairs neighbor who became my friend since she was a year older than me. I think I developed a crush on her since I would become quite jealous if her time wasn’t spent with me. I also thought about holding her hand and liking her. (I didn’t recognize that I liked her until recently when I thought about how long I’ve been bi.)

In high school, I remember there was this dancer who I technically recognized as being my first actual girl crush. I say this because I remember telling my twin one time that I thought she was pretty and my twin kinda laughed at me. She was one of those popular chicks and she kinda treated me like...I had a mental/learning problem (a lot of people I think did but that was because I was quiet and I think I asked a lot of stupid questions). She was the first I technically and literally thought about in a romantic/sexual way. But I never dated girls (and I still haven’t. I’ve dated two guys but...I wasn’t attracted to either at all)

Within this time, I discovered Tumblr and the ease of finding 18+ content when I shouldn’t have. (Most of us been there). With this content, though, this was the only way I discovered and explored my sexuality. (But with the limitations that I only got the sexual lens of wlw and mlm and not the romantic side of things, but for those who don’t know, many LGBTQ+ individuals struggle explorations due to the lack of resources so most of us figured out things through porn and other 18+ content). It technically helped me figure out masturbation as a woman and what I was attracted to and what I wasn’t but I always felt ashamed by it because I knew if I was caught I’d probably be shamed by my mother (more so for the 18+ content and masturbating but not the sexuality part). I think my twin is the only person I’ve ever told that I had a crush on a girl at this time. A lot of my friend group in high school (mainly those a year older) were queer in a way or an ally. They made me feel loved as I learned new terms within my high school years of the LGBT. So, closer to the end of my senior year, I knew I liked girls and I liked guys.

For me, I never was afraid to come out. My mom/family had never given me a reason to be afraid of having a different sexuality. I’ve heard my mom verbally praise LGBTQ+ people before I came out.

So when I moved to college, grew a little on my own, I knew who I was. During national coming out day of 2016, I made a quick Facebook post saying that “I’m pretty sure I’m bi.”

I didn't feel afraid, but I was nervous about the reactions of my family and friends that I tuned in on the comments and likes and loves my post got. No one was mean or upset or called me names. The reaction of my mom was not something I was thinking about. I wasn’t dreading it. I wasn’t terrified to hear what she had to say. She never had given me a reason to be afraid.

Instead, she told me she was proud. That she wasn’t mad or upset that I was me. And that she still loved me no matter what.

So it was out there that I was bi.

When I went home for Thanksgiving break, closer to that time, we went out to eat sushi closer to the end of it. The topic of relationships and stuff came about. I think my parents were discussing with my younger sisters that they just wanted to make sure my little sisters were safe. I remember distinctly that my mom said she didn’t have to worry about me, but she also didn’t know if I had a boyfriend or girlfriend where I was staying for college. it made my heart full to hear my mom say that and acknowledge it out loud.

During the summer between my sophomore and junior year, something went sour. I don’t know why it came up, why it needed to come up but my mom was talking to my sisters and me about the things she technically found annoying that we do.

My fault in her eyes is that I’m very opinionated and I have the egotistical mindset that I’m always right. (I am opinionated, I’ll give her that, but I never ever said out loud that I think I’m always right. The air that I probably radiate this mindset I will admit to but) In lieu of this...she says out loud, that I am not bisexual. My heart shatters and I close myself off.

Her reasoning for telling me this is to not think of my sexuality as being the only part of me. I didn’t think I ever gave the air that my sexuality is my only identifier but she wanted to talk to me that it isn’t my only identity.

But, she also states that I can’t claim myself to be bisexual because I’ve never experienced sex with either gender (a surprise from your girl, I’m a virgin). She negates my sexuality because she feels as though she has more life experience to tell me that I am not bisexual, just bicurious. Wrong. Big wrong. (During my sophomore year, my mom and my stepdad cheated on each other, which lead to us finding out my mother is also bisexual but she could never be upfront about it because of our family friends) But, in her eyes, I can not claim my own sexuality because of my virginity to either sex and because she, as an older bi woman, says so because of her experience.

Let me tell you, because of her telling me this, I had the worst breakdown I’ve ever experience in my life. We had the talk again with my stepdad (he wasn’t present for the first time) in which case he reiterates what my mom told me. I can’t be bisexual because I never had sex before. But both were trying to just tell me to not let my sexuality be my only part of my identity that I cling to.

But as he was saying this, I got a panic attack and I didn’t want to listen to a word he had to say and I’m muttering I don’t want to hear it as I basically sob in my living room. Yeah...that’s the worst feeling I’ve ever felt in my life and I still think about it to this day.

Because of my parents basically trying to negate my sexuality and not let me identify myself (I would rather not say that I know I like girls because I fantasize about them in various scenarios [pretty sure my mom or my stepdad asked what I’d do if I didn’t like girls as I thought...as if it’ll change]), I basically had shut down that part of myself and being a LGBTQ+ voice in front of them.

On social media, however, I’m vocal about LGBTQ+ related things...but, sometimes, I feel like I’m being/claiming bisexual to spite them. And I don’t want to feel like I am. That’s not fair to me.

Sometimes, I fear wearing my LGBTQ+ Balor shirt in public...sometimes, I still fear my mom will not revert back to the comment she made about me liking boys and girls.

I never confronted her that these emotions are things I still face even though it’s been almost a year since my mom had said that to me. I feel like I overreacted on everything but I’m still stagnant on my sexuality since I get to decide who I am and what I identify as. As I feel that everyone should be able to do.

I wrote this technically for myself, so I can understand that hey, maybe I knew I was bi all along and never really knew it (which….I felt like I figured it out).

To those who are closeted, to those who are out and know the feeling, and to those who are not LGBTQ+ identifying: you never stop coming out.

I still have to remind some people that I also like girls and that my framework isn’t only hung up on men. Sometimes, I have to remind people that f*g and f*ggot are words I will not tolerate being said (even though I’ve never been personally bullied with them). I still have to remind people that EVERYONE experiences their coming out differently and that they are still trying to figure themselves out daily. I have to remind people that there are those who are fluid about their identity and that there are those who are stagnant on how they identify themselves as. These are things I still have to remind people because the world doesn’t necessarily hand this info out to everyone. That needs to change.

I wanted to share my story on the last day of pride months because....why not?

I’ve never shared it before and coming to terms with my sexuality and what it means to me has helped me processed a lot of how my past has shaped my future and who I am as a person today.

By the way, I do love my mom. I really do. I feel like she messes up a lot when it comes to a lot of different things.

Hopefully, I can tell her how much I still hurt when it comes to hearing her words in my head. Hopefully, I can do this soon, because that pain eats away at me sometimes. Her words haunt me and make me doubt myself and make me ask myself if I truly know who I really am or do other people know me better. (They don’t but those are the questions I may bring up to her if I ever want to talk about this)

I’m bisexual and that is not going to change or be vilified by someone else’s experiences on my identity to fit their means or their experiences. And if I’m wrong, hey I’m wrong (I’m not though. Not this time.)

So take my story as you will. Comment if you like if you can compare my story to yours of if you want to share your experiences and hardships, go for it. I just needed to get this off my chest. And, hey, I’m down to hear other people’s life experiences in terms of how they found out they were LGBTQ+ and how others received them. Or if anyone as kind words to me, I’d take that as well.

Thanks to any who read this and have shown me support.

I love you all.

-Your friendly bisexual writer, Bri

#personal #bisexuality #sexuality #my coming out story #eh

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a-room-of-my-own · 5 years

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Have you ever been emotionally harassed at school or at work?

yes, a lot

Were you a “tomboy” as a child / young teen?

yes. The first time i asked my parents if i could ever become a boy i was like 4 or 5.

Was it well accepted by your family?

mostly untill puberty, then my mom started to force me to be feminine

Are you a lesbian, or bisexual?

bi but recently questioning if i may be a lesbian since all women with the same experience as me turned out to be lesbians

If yes, were you out to your family? Was it accepted?

not out, didn't know yet. But I got a lot of homophobic comments froom my parents like "you're going to be a dyke" (said in a mocking or judgmental way) which made me consciously avoid looking at women too much so i would not "become a lesbian"

Did you have an early puberty and / or was your puberty sudden (fast growth spurt, you got “a woman’s body” in about a year)

Did it make you feel uncomfortable? If yes, why?

puberty made me uncomfortable because I wanted to be a boy and untill then there was no difference between me and boys apart from genitals and the way i was treated so i believed that when i grew up i would just need a "penis transplant" (thought that's how transexualism worked) and then there would be no difference between me and men.

People would also mistake me for a boy 100% of the time and when my parent's weren''t around i could pretend to be one. When puberty hit i was stuck with the reality of womanhood.

Are you a victim of any kind of sexual abuse (sexual harassment at school or in the workplace, sexual assault, rape, csa) ?

yes but not when i was a child

Do you suffer from any professionally diagnosed mental illness (hyperactivity, depression, anorexia / bulimia, bipolar disorder, borderline disorder)?

When and how did you become aware of the gender theory (let’s call it GT)? How old were you?

probably 13 or 14, on the internet.

If you were a minor, was it a subject discussed in school? With other students and / or teachers?

Why were you drawn to that theory?

because it gave me an explanation to why i felt like" a boy stuck in a girl's body". Before that I daydreamed that someday they'd find out I had a disease or a genetic mutation of some sort that meant i had been a boy all along and they would start treating me like one.

I must precise that it was at a time when the theory was still : "there is sex and there is gender, gender can be different from sex, transgender people are people of one sex who feel like the other sex and transition to change it accordingly " and not "sex doesn't exist and you are whatever you say you are". Also the options were men, women, both or none, all the fancy shit they claim now wasn't around.

That was american content. I was also reading mainstream french ressources at that time which nowadays would be called "transmedicalist". To me gender identities were different from transexualism.

So it was a bit different from the positions they hold now : I never believed i was LITTERALY a man. I believed i would become one when i transitioned. I considered myself a "future transexual" and "identified as agender" because it was my way to "opt out" of womanhood without claiming i was a man because i didn't considered myself to be one yet.

Were you supported in your transition? By whom?

not directly but since it seemed to be the only alternative besides becoming feminine i still had some for of pressure.

Were you, at any point, encouraged to cut from you life the people who didn’t support your identity? Did you do it?

no, but i wasn't in contact with any activist. There were none in France at that time and i wasn't in online communities.

Did you consult a healthcare professional?

No. Teachers repeatedly advised i see a psychologist for the sole reason i was androgynous (they were not preocuppied with me because i was harassed, only because of my appearence. I want to add that one of them bluntly asked my mom "why is she making herself ugly?" and to this day i still don't understand how you can say that about a fucking 12 years old)

but my parents never took me to see one because they believed that wearing boy clothes was weird but not to the point where i should be sent to therapy.

Were you, at any point, warned about potential side effects of “gender affirming” treatments / procedures ?

Only went as far as binding and was aware of the risk.

I knew of some of teh risks of transition from the begining because i was reading the french medical ressources that used to show up on the first page of google. It's probably far behind the queer-related search results now. I was not upset at the perspective that i would need to see doctors and psychologists and that it would be a long procedure,. It seemed normal to me that you couldn't just ask for HRT and get them.

How did you come to doubt your “identity”?

Started doubting my need to transition thanks to radical feminism and detransitioners

When you started doubting your “identity”, did the people who supported you accepted your doubts? Were questions, in general, accepted?

was only out to few friends, they accepted.

How long have you been “re-identified”?

I would say there was a very first step looong before radical feminism. It was when i realized phalloplasty don't give you a real penis. I was devastated to learn you can't change your sex. But i tried not to think about it and convinced myself i'd be a man if i passed as one even though deep down i knew transition would never be enough. "changing sex" was the main goal for me and transition lost most of its interest when i found out this wouldn't happen.

I also stopped bindinng 4 years ago but it was not linked to re-identifiying.

I really "re-identified" later, upon discovering radical femininism and detransitioners. From then it was a process: I started seeing being a woman as a mere biological fact that would never be changed even if i transitioned.That was about 3 or two and half years ago. I stopped being called he in private about a year ago (don't really remember), am 100% sure about not wanting hormones since...several months? and am 100% sure not to want a mammectomy only since like two days ago.

I still sometimes do conscious things to make my chances to pass as a male higher in order to avoid harassement from men but I think about it as being some sort of "survival cross-dressing" like women have always done through history. I only do it occasionaly when i'm going somewhere where i don't feel safe and without monitoring my behaviour or putting too much effort into it. I don't care if i really do pass or not as long as i don't get attacked.

How do you feel today?

A lot less dysphoric, happier, mad at liberal feminism

Add anything I may have forgotten

I think it's obvious from what i said but i didn't "feminize" myself after desisting. I'm a "masculine" woman, currently exploring the possibility to occasionaly larp as a dude for mere safety purpose.

#submission #detransition q&a #gender critical #Detransition #Transition #Transgender

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yaz-the-spaz · 6 years

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There's a track record of celebs coming out as bi and then like a year later as gay. Example: George Shelly. And even going all the way back to Elton John. For whatever reasons management now thinks bi is the new gay. They may let someone come out as "bi" who's actually 100 % gay to save face on all the het stunting done and protect former beards . That's all my point was. Many fans in fandom are fake bi. They're really straight but pretend to be bi so that the fetishising isn't as creepy?Or?

yes that is true not only in the celebrity community but in the queer community as a whole. lots of people use coming out as bi as a gateway to coming out as gay/lesbian and that’s not at all a new trend or new track record or a new thing at all (for managements nor celebs nor any of those in the entertainment industry nor queer people at large) and while i understand it from a coming out perspective b/c for some they may feel that’s the safer/safest option as a stepping stone to coming out fully b/c they feel they may be more ‘accepted’ by society/straights/homophobic family or friends, etc. that way, it unfortunately does also inadvertently hurt the bi community b/c many people (both straight and queer) have come to view bisexuality as just a halfway point to (and/or point of confusion leading up to) coming out as gay/lesbian (or on the flipside just an ‘experimental phase’) which coincidentally enough is exactly what amandla addresses in the video of question, which again is precisely why i reblogged it. it’s something that bi/pan people need to see and hear b/c unlike others we are in a unique position b/c we have a history of being excluded and/or looked down upon by both straight and queer communities and often face discrimination from our own community in a way that gay/lesbian people generally do not and just because amandla no longer identifies as bi doesn’t make the message any less relevant or important for people to hear if only so that they don’t feel quite so alone or confused or rejected or wrong for being the way they are.

to the point of whether it’s the celebrity’s decision to adopt the bi label or their team’s decision i can’t speak on b/c in my opinion there’s no real way to tell that. whether someone for a period of time felt they identified as bi or not before realizing it was not the case or was simply using it as a stepping stone can only be known by that individual and/or those closest to them and so i don’t feel it’s fair to assume that certain celebrities coming out as bi before later coming out as gay/lesbian was simply a ploy to ‘save face’ or ‘protect former beards’ b/c they and/or their teams think ‘bi is the new gay.’ i also don’t know how you can possibly know whether someone is a ‘fake bi’ or not as you (most likely) don’t know/have never met these people you’re referring to in real life. unless you’re somehow hunting down and stalking these people to see whether or not they exhibit attraction to more than one gender (which still wouldn’t prove anything anyway tbh) or unless they’ve explicitly stated on blog ‘hey guys so just wanted to let you know that this whole time i was just pretending to be bi online, but i’m actually straight, soz’ then i don’t know how you can make that assumption.

all that said, if that was in fact your point in the first ask (assuming you are indeed the same anon from earlier) you might wanna work on your communication skills b/c if you are the same anon your ask came off as extremely accusatory and rude not only to me but to all bi/pan people in the ziam fandom as a whole. to accuse not just one person (me) but a whole community of being ‘lesphobic’ simply b/c i/they didn’t reblog a particular post is extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful and, like i said before, i have a feeling you already know that or you wouldn’t be on anon. i would also recommend doing a bit of self-reflecting b/c a lot of things you’ve expressed in your ask here and the previous one reflect a lot of highly-problematic views of bisexuality and bi people and also judgement of people in general, especially people you don’t know in real life and know next to nothing about. i would never go so far as to say you’re biphobic b/c like i said earlier calling someone something like that (especially without knowing them personally) is extremely disrespectful of them and their experiences as a queer person but you definitely do have some problematic (and quite biased imo) views that you may wanna re-evaluate.

some helpful things to keep in mind:

try to remember that what you see on someone’s blog does not reflect their entire lives nor necessarily who they are irl, how they identify, what they do or don’t do irl, what they believe, who and what they support, what they’ve experienced, or might be going through currently, etc.

try to remember that just b/c someone didn’t reblog/blog about something in particular doesn’t mean they didn’t like it or don’t know about it or didn’t see it or don’t support it, a blog is not reflective of a person’s every thought or experience or beliefs (and even if it were those could all change in a millisecond b/c we’re people not robots and we grow and learn and make mistakes and change)

try to remember that not everything a celebrity does or says is a stunt/stunt-related, especially something as delicate as coming out and that changing their identity/label later on down the road does not mean that they didn’t identify with that previous identity/label in the past or never will again (this goes for non-celebrities too), sexuality is fluid and can be very confusing to figure out and sometimes people may change their label or go back and forth between labels, this does not make their identity at any particular point in time any less true or valid nor does it make them a ‘fake’ gay/lesbian/bi/pan/trans/ace etc.

and most importantly:

try to remember that just b/c someone doesn’t present (or say/do/act/etc.) how you think they should as a gay/lesbian/bi/pan/trans/etc. person does not negate their identity as such

try to remember that when talking to people online you’re still talking to an actual person that has emotions and can be hurt or upset just as easily as you can

try to refrain from making assumptions about people based on limited information, and especially try to refrain from insulting people or calling people names based on assumptions made from that limited information

if you ever need any resources or advice or wanna talk further (whether about ziam/the ziam fandom or lgbtq+ issues or anything at all) i’m always here and i hope this post finds you well

#anons #asks #ziam #ziam fandom #celebrities #coming out #bisexuality #lgbtq #sorry this got way long but there were a lot of things i needed to address

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