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creedslove · 6 months

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WHO KNEW? 💍💔 - PART TWO

No outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader

"You took my hand, you showed me how

You promised me you'd be around (...)

I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me (...)

If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, 'cause they're all wrong

I know better, 'cause you said forever, and ever, who knew?"

Summary: even against your wishes, your bond with the Millers straightens and a series of events causes you and Joel to get closer, enough to spike the fear of falling again for him

• This is the second part of Who Knew? 💍💔 Which was also inspired by this amazing HEADCANON request

Warnings: angst, broken hearts, mentions of divorce, mentions of infidelity, fluff, age gap (Joel is four to five years older than reader and the time skip is 12 to 14 years (Sarah's age) but feel free to imagine whatever you want), house breaking, protective Joel, sexual tension

A/N: so besties, I've been obsessed with this idea, and I hope you enjoy it as well! I mean, I've been writing a little more than 1k words a day, there were some parts I thought were good and some were not so good, as a final result, I don't know, I really hope you all enjoy it my lovelies! It's so hard to resist Joel, isn't it?

10.4k words

If someone told you one day, after a decade of being divorced from Joel due to the huge heartbreak he put you through, your bond with the Millers would straighten once more, you would stand up and punch them out. It was so ridiculously absurd to think you would become closer to the man who chewed you up and spat you out and even if he had indeed changed and was a better person, wasn't enough to make you forget what happened. Yes, you had forgiven him, but not forgotten what went on between the two of you, and even if a part of you desperately begged you to stay away and never talk to Joel again, destiny was pretty ironic at its doings and made you and his daughter, Sarah, become friends. You didn't mean to, and you were sure that if it were up to him, he wouldn't have said yes either, but you never knew she was his daughter and he never knew his daughter's friend was… well, you.

After he did some working at your home, he had asked you out, which you actually considered, but then dismissed the idea completely, there was no way you would put yourself through that again, even if he was even more handsome than when he was young, even if he did make your heart race and pound like you were some inexperienced teenager and even if late at night before falling asleep you closed your eyes and replayed in your mind the last kiss you cherished. Even if you focused hard enough and could still feel his warmth, the heavy grip of his hand on your waist, the way his beard that now was sprinkled with grays here and there scratched your skin and how Joel Miller still had the best kiss you'd ever tried. For a moment it had felt so right, even if it was wrong, and a hidden part of you, the part that just maybe didn't despise Joel that much often allowed you to wonder what would actually happen if you had given him a chance to take you out, would it have been really that bad? You would've gone somewhere to drink or grab something to eat, hang out, perhaps even dance and of course you would end up in Joel's bed, hardly any woman would pass up this opportunity. For a moment you wish it could've been that way, but unfortunately, you and Joel were done. After you turned him down you still shared a last kiss and then you both went back to your own lives, the only thing that connected the two of you in the past was the failed marriage you had just as the only thing that connected the two of you in the present was Sarah.

She was the loveliest girl you'd ever met in your life, so smart and sweet, always kind to everyone, responsible and even if you had had problems with her dad, you couldn't help but feel sorry for her and the fact her own mother didn't want to be around; it sounded crazy to you that woman could give up her chance of being the mother of a wonderful little girl like Sarah, even if Joel had killed any kind of desire of getting involved with someone to the point of building up a family. Not to mention Joel himself, he was a handsome, hard-working man, and he had been a good husband before Angela ruined your life. You knew she wasn't the only one to blame, Joel was a real dick, but now you certainly had two reasons to hate her: the fact she ruined your marriage and that she abandoned her daughter.

After Joel took over the renovations in your home, Sarah continued coming over and even if you felt sort of guilty from keeping the truth from her, you also knew it wasn't your place to tell her, if anything, you and Joel needed to do it together. You couldn't ruin the perfect image she had of her dad, because he was a great father to her and no one could deny that. Overall, you really enjoyed her presence; it wasn't uncommon for her to tag along during lunch time or spend the afternoon reading on your couch. Sometimes you wondered if she didn't have enough friends to hang out with, after all, Joel was busy throughout the day and any teen would take the opportunity of freedom to do whatever shit they wanted with them without having to give their parents the time of the day, but that didn't make any sense, not with Sarah being a sociable girl like she was, so when the realization that she sort of envisioned you as a motherly figure at some level, you felt quite shocked. If life hadn't pulled some unfunny tricks along your way, she could've easily been yours and Joel's daughter. You tried to shake it off and pretend she didn't see you that way, but looking back at your interactions it was undeniable; Sarah opened up to you about things she certainly didn't with Joel, from the pain of periods, to problems with girl friends and boys. It was amusing until Sarah began questioning you about it, asking you about your love life, past relationships and why you were single. You felt bad about not telling her the whole truth, but it was a complicated situation. Especially when she came up with the idea she really considered it to be genius

"Why don't you date my dad?!"

She asked you one lazy afternoon, making you choke softly at the water you were drinking, looking at her shocked and speechless for a while, her sweet smile was impossible to make you get mad at her, and above all it was a genuine question, she wasn't just messing with you.

"What?! My dad looks good, he works hard and he would make you very happy!" She cheered innocently, which caused your heart to sink.

"No… I wouldn't date your dad, he's incompatible… I mean, we are incompatible, I'm sure we wouldn't get along"

"Why?! Is it because you have more money than us? Dad does say you are way out of his league"

And you were shocked and speechless once more. Joel had talked about you to Sarah? And he had told her you were out of his league? This information should have made you scoff and roll your eyes, and not make your cheeks heat up while you blushed.

"No Sarah, Jesus no! It's got nothing to do with money or anything… I mean, your dad works hard and he should earn more than he does, because he is very dedicated and well, an honest working man like Joel can be worth a lot more than a rich guy, trust me" you sighed as she stared at you intently "but the thing is… I've been married once, I was too young, it was disastrous, it didn't work obviously, I got hurt and well… your dad sort of reminds me of him, my ex-husband I mean… It's hard to explain, but no, I wouldn't date your father"

You hated that you lied to her, well, half lies at least, but you wished you could be honest, Sarah was an important part of your life and it would be a lot easier if you three would come clean about everything that happened; on the other hand, you couldn't even imagine the mess you would make in her poor little head, as it was pretty messy and fucked up for you as well whenever you stopped to think you were friends with your ex-husband's daughter, the one he had with the woman he cheated on you with and that simply walked out and abandoned him. It even sounded made up, so you offered her just the piece of information you could. Sarah reached out to you, taking your hand in hers and caressing your knuckles, she gave you a sympathetic look and nodded

"I'm so sorry… I can't even imagine how you must feel, he didn't deserve you anyway, you can be sure you are way better than him, and well, I am just glad dad isn't like that, he's a nice guy, he would never do such a thing to anyone. I just feel like he deserved more too, you know? That woman… my mom, even if she shouldn't be called that, just broke his heart and disappeared. Uncle Tommy told me she never really wanted to have me in the first place and if it weren't for dad, you know…" She looked down trying to hide the thick sadness that fogged her face and it was your turn to reach to her, taking her hand, but seeing it wasn't enough as you got up and walked to Sarah, giving her a hug.

"I don't know, I just wish dad would find a nice girl like yourself and then he could be happy, I mean, we all could…"

•••

Joel groaned at how annoying his brother really was, he didn't get why Tommy would always pry into his fucking business instead of handling his own life, Joel was a grown man and he didn't need anyone trying to set him up with women or just inviting him out out of pity. He could take care of himself; he didn't need to meet women or be in a relationship, he was fine the way he was, his life was already way too hectic the way it was, whenever he felt lonely he could just pick up some woman at a bar and get laid and then go back to his everyday routine. And yet both Tommy and Sarah kept on getting on his nerves, always suggesting him to one girl or another or trying to drag him on double dates. When Sarah had casually told him to ask you out, completely oblivious to the fact he had already done it and you shut him out, Joel was at a loss of words, he tried playing cool but he couldn't deny the mess his feelings had become. He wasn't sure how to suppress them, not after that one kiss. That must've meant something, you wouldn't just give him a speech of how uninterested you were and how you two would never work out again and then kiss him like that, you probably still had feelings for him, if not feelings, at least desire, and as much as he would love to act on it, he didn't want to force things up, to he pushy and make you uncomfortable. He'd hurt you too many times to learn that if you'd asked him to stay away, he should stay away. Not only that, Tommy was completely onboard with everything you had said, to him, the fact Joel was crushing on his ex-wife more than a decade after breaking her heart was a clear sign of madness. He figured Joel still had feelings for you, even if Tommy wasn't one to settle down, he couldn't understand how his brother went from madly in love with his pretty young wife to a terrible husband and finally the asshole who dumped her for another woman. He knew that the passion Joel felt for Angela was strong, but even more than just a burning passion, lay that undying love he'd felt for you, and he was sure it wouldn't simply go away, which didn't necessarily mean that Joel surrendering to that love was a smart move. Quite the opposite, it was probably the dumbest thing Tommy had ever heard in his entire life. How could Joel even keep any hopes of getting with you again?! It hadn't worked, too many people got hurt and all he wanted was that his brother could actually see that, so he simply discouraged Joel from getting anywhere near you, as if it wasn't bad enough Sarah had been dragged accidentally into this story, he didn't want his brother suffering around. So he set his brother up on a date, something that Joel hated with passion but since he was feeling particularly hopeless that night he ended up accepting it.

He was usually very against being set up on blind dates, but Joel had created a depressing ritual of always going out and grabbing a drink whenever he came across the date that would've marked his wedding anniversary with you. Joel often heard men were forgetful and didn't remember important dates, but he had never been like that, always keeping the important dates fresh in his mind was something common, ever since he was a child, especially when they brought him strong emotions, such as the ones he shared with you. He thought it was a little stupid at first, but he found out that it helped him cope with the guilt and the doubts that always clouded up his mind. He would sit at a bar and wonder where you could be, how your life would have been like and if you ever thought of him. It sort of became his thing, but this year, for the first time, he knew the exact answers to his questions, and it was so odd, he decided to take Tommy's suggestions to go out with a friend of his brother's girlfriend, he didn't really care nor paid attention, he just exchanged numbers with her, showered and got dressed after work and headed for the restaurant.

And just as he had predicted, it had been another disastrous date. Not that the girl wasn't pretty, she was, but she was just exhausting; her conversation was tiring, her subjects were boring and overall, she just wasn't you. Joel didn't understand why he was having it so bad for you, he knew he shouldn't, he should forget about it all and focus on something else, but as much as he tried not to think of you, more he thought of you. It was maddening. He couldn't help himself but compare the two of you: you were prettier, smarter, funnier, you dressed and smelled better than that random stranger he saw himself being forced to have dinner with. And he wished with all his heart you could be on that date with him; if only you gave him just one chance to show you he was a better man, he would never hurt you like he did before, give you a chance to redeem himself and make you happy exactly the way you deserved it, he would be the happiest man in the world. Life wasn't gonna make things easier for him, and deep down, he knew he didn't even deserve it in the first place, so he tried once more paying attention to his date, which didn't last very long and the moment he saw the opportunity to leave, he grabbed it like a life preserver in the middle of the ocean and headed to a bar - alone, and only after paying for the check, after all, Joel Miller was still a gentleman.

Your wedding anniversary had always been a tricky date for you; there were years you went completely unaffected by it and years you felt like dying. For the first time, however, you were closer to Joel than you'd always been in the years before, and because of that, you decided you deserved better than just stay home and have some bland dinner by yourself, you would go out and perhaps meet other people… And your plan went really smoothly for a while; you got to a nice bar, dressed nicely, dragging some male attention towards you and even got paid a drink by a handsome stranger who waved from afar. It felt like a promising night, until Joel Miller walked in and looked for a table, and he looked devilish handsome as he did so. You bit your lips feeling the alcohol rushing towards one direction at the same time you censored yourself: no matter how lonely and needy you were feeling nor how handsome he was, you couldn't simply feel the hots for him. As if he'd just read your mind, Joel turned around, his eyes falling right on you, his gaze softened up and you saw him running his tongue through his lips, deciding whether or not to walk towards you.

Of course he did it.

The moment he approached, Joel noticed the sadness in your eyes and he was sure you were the for the exact same reason he was, and it was just another motive to get closer to you; taking the chair next to you, he asked the bartender for a drink and as soon as he had it in hands, he stared at you.

"Happy wedding anniversary, darling" he tilted his glass against yours, as you just nodded and took a long sip.

"Happy wedding anniversary, handsome" you replied in a mockery tone using the old nickname you used for him. Handsome was a word that really described him, your Joel. He had always been a handsome man, but how well time treated him was impressive to say the least. He looked so good, he was bigger, broad and stronger. His dark hair had become a little grayer, just like a few patches all over his beard, and that suited him like a damn velvet glove. The way his shirt hung tight around his shoulders and down his arms, eyes lingering on him for way too long, as a warmth spread through your cheek and Joel chuckled

"Funny how you still blush when I'm around… Exactly like old times" he grinned and took another sip of his drink, which was enough to break you free from the spell you were under.

"What are you doing here? I thought I'd made myself pretty clear, Joel" you sighed and stared down into your glass.

"I'm doing the same as you are, darling… I'm thinking about all the bad decisions I made in life. You have been pretty clear, I ain't going to bother you, but I just missed you… it's so weird to see Sarah getting home everyday so excited over you, talking about how nice and awesome you are and I have to pretend not to know about it"

"Yeah? And you think it's easy for me to spend the whole afternoon listening to her talking about what an amazing dad you are? How you are awesome but very unlucky to have had your heartbroken by her mom?" You raised your eyebrow and chuckled

"She really say that?" Joel's expression showed a slight shock "she said I was an amazing dad?!"

You tilted your head at his surprise and bit your lips, perhaps it was just the drinks you had that softened you up a little, but when you saw it, you placed your hand on his arm and shook your head

"Yeah? Why are you so surprised? You are an amazing dad, Joel… that girl loves you more than anything in the world, she idolizes you, of course, she thinks you work too much and that you could both spend some more time together, but other than that, it's clear you are a great father. I was very surprised when we met again, to see your change, I never really thought you would become a better person, not after what happened, but it's nice to see Sarah changed that" you smiled softly at him, and that just melted Joel's rough heart, he immediately took your hand before you could move it away and caressed your knuckles softly, his gaze still making you pathetically shy, as he pursed his lips and you remembered how good they've always felt on your own and also all over your body.

"You know she also sees you as a mother figure, right?!"

"Yeah, I was reluctant to admit it at first, but she does… I guess she needed that, you know? A woman she could talk to about girl stuff, things she cannot talk to her dad or her uncle Tommy" you smiled "I really like Sarah and I'm very glad you allow us to be friends, I understand it is a really odd situation for you, as it is for me, but I like her a lot… you know, if things had been different, she could've been my daughter… our daughter" you sighed "things could've been different Joel… you know what made so hard for me to forgive you? It's not exactly you falling for Angela, of course, rejection hurts a lot, but sometimes it happens, sometimes you fall for someone you shouldn't have, but what still breaks my heart is that you lied to me, you played with me instead of coming clean. You just kept me around even if you didn't want me anymore, so just you would have a comfortable option in case it didn't work with her, and that was what made me feel worse… it made me feel unworthy, because you could still have been considerate of me and just break things up before it all happened" you shrugged

"Darling, I-" he squeezed your hand tighter but you pulled it away

"I'm not trying to make you upset or anything, all I am saying is that things could have been different between us, they should have been at least, if not staying married, having a child and building a family together, then at least having your honesty…"

"What can I do so you forgive me?" Joel asked, his voice breaking a little as he tried to hide the emotion growing at any minute.

"I've already forgiven you Joel, I already told you that… but I can't forget what happened, it will always haunt me" you sighed "too many things happened and as much as I had loved you, I think I would never be able to trust you"

"Please, I have changed, it kills me to know I've hurt you so much, I wish I could go back in time and undo everything that I did.. please, darling" Joel begged you with those brown soft eyes, his hand cupping your cheek in a warm caress and even if you closed your eyes and leaned into his touch for a while, you knew you couldn't let yourself fall into his touch, because if you did, there would be no turning back.

"If Angela returned today, Joel… imagine if she came back and tried claiming you and Sarah, would you still care about me? Because I don't see this happening, Joel. Honestly, what I think is that you want me because you feel bad about what happened and because you couldn't have who you really wanted…"

His expression was indecipherable and for a second you thought he would say something, but all he did was pull you closer, gluing your lips together in an urgent kiss, you could've fought it, but you didn't; instead, you kissed him back, taking your hands into his curls and tugging at them more and more each time Joel pulled you even closer.

Only when the two of you broke the kiss, he looked into your eyes, his thumb stroking your bottom lip gently

"There isn't anyone I want but you, I never stopped loving you, darling… even when Angela was around, she couldn't compare to you" his words shattered your heart, as much as you wanted to believe that, you still couldn't. You grabbed his hand and sighed

"Don't do this again, Joel, please. You've ruined too many things for me already…" you got up and said goodbye "we can't, you know it"

"What have I ruined for you, darling? Tell me and I'll fix it, please"

You chuckled sad and shrugged

"Joel, you even ruined Queen for me'

You walked away from him, leaving him there with his drink and his thoughts, a puzzled look out of confusion in his face trying to figure out exactly what the hell you meant by that. Just as he saw you disappear out of the door, he realized what meant as he paid attention to the lyrics of the song playing in background:

"Love of my life, you hurt me

You've broken my heart

And now you leave me

Love of my life, can't you see (...)"

And even if Joel wanted to be rational and convince himself he'd lost you for good, his heart still insisted on wanting what he couldn't have.

•••

Your car parked in Joel's driveway was the last thing he expected to see that night, after working excruciatingly and failing his promise of getting home earlier to have dinner with his daughter. He knew Sarah was probably waiting, disappointed but also used to it, full of having some sandwich or any other snack she could find. He cursed himself for getting so caught up at work, he didn't mean to, but he had done it again, after all, he had to attend an important meeting with a possible new client and then he would need to wait for the arrival of a bunch of materials that had been delayed for weeks, and even if he knew his daughter was safe with you, he still felt upset to have not given her the attention she needed. However, you had never been to his house before, that was something that you established from the very beginning and when he kissed you at the bar a couple of weeks ago, Joel was certain that was the end of seeing you, occasionally or not. He was sure you'd never shut Sarah out, you liked her for real, and she reciprocated the feelings; besides, you were a decent enough human being who knew you didn't have to mix things up. So, the fact you were indeed at his home, was concerning to him, who parked and immediately left, getting inside wanting to see what was going on. The moment the door opened in one hard swing, you got off the couch and walked to your ex-husband

“Hey Joel” you said, a little shy, suddenly, the fact you were standing in the middle of his home uninvited made you extremely embarrassed, as it felt you were somehow intruding on his intimacy. Since the divorce Joel had moved into a new house, bigger and cozier, a nice backyard with a decent swimming pool was something that drew your attention; you smiled at yourself, knowing how much Joel loved swimming, so it made your heart warm to see he had accomplished something that seemed quite small, but it meant a lot to you.

At first, when you saw the house, you couldn't help but be invaded by a furious jealousy of the possibility Joel had built that house for her, Angela, instead of you. Luckily, Sarah clarified he only started to build it when she was a toddler and that Tommy helped him, and that's why he often crashed there. You chuckled to yourself, that was typical of Tommy, but overall you felt proud of Joel and everything he achieved, you knew he had potential and it was great that he actually worked on it.

“Where's Sarah?!” He asked with worry and called her name once more, louder this time, frowning as you shushed him.

“I'm sorry I'm here, but she had a fever felt sick, I wanted to call you but she asked me not to an-” you were cut off by Joel simply climbing up the stairs and heading straight to Sarah's room, he felt a mix of guilt and worry weighing in his heart at the fact his baby daughter was sick and he couldn't be there for her. He barged into her room, normally, that would be enough to startle her, but instead, he found her peacefully asleep, clung tight to her pillow, dressed in her regular PJs. He touched her forehead wanting to check her temperature, but luckily her skin wasn't warm anymore. He looked at the door and found you there, arms folded and looking like you wanted to say something else, and then he just realized how rude he'd actually been to you by simply walking away and letting you talk to a brick wall. He placed a gentle kiss on his daughter's forehead and closed the door behind him.

“I'm sorry darling, I was worried and you should've called me…”

“It's okay, Joel… as I was saying, I wanted to call you, but Sarah asked me not to, she said you were having an important meeting and you would be home soon, anyway” you licked your lips as you realized he was extremely late and probably feeling so guilty about it all.

“You know, she was at my place and she was feeling a little down, at first I thought she was just upset because she wasn't invited to Melissa's party an-”

“That girl is a bitch” Joel said angrily and in such a defensive way that it was both cute he was so protective of his daughter at the same time it sounded hilarious to see him cursing another teenage girl. However, you had to agree with him, Melissa was indeed a bitch.

“Yeah, I know right?! Anyway, I noticed Sarah was burning up with fever and since she didn't want me to call you, I decided to bring her home and stay with her. So I asked her to take a cool shower, gave her some tylenol and made her some chicken soup with the things I found in your kitchen…” you both went downstairs and stopped in his living room. You tried not paying attention to how good your ex-husband looked after his long hour shift; his sweaty shirt so tight against his broad chest, his messy hair and that stressed attitude that would always melt away with a very intense orgasm.

“You made soup?!” Joel frowned a little shocked and interrupted your drifting thoughts.

“Y-yeah, why? Did I do bad?”

“No” Joel smiled softly and shook his head “not at all, it's just that… I haven't had your food in so long and you've always been a good cook, that's all” the nostalgia he felt was so big and it also warmed your heart, nodding at him “well, I made some more in case you wanted to have dinner too, it's in the kitchen, you can help yourself if you'd like…” you offered him and grabbed your purse “can you call me tomorrow and let me know if Sarah is better?”

Joel grabbed your arm gently and shook his head

“Don't go, not yet… just have dinner with me, talk to me for a while, I promise I won't try to kiss you or anything. Just keep me company, it's rare to have people over, it's usually Sarah and I and usually Tommy, but when they are out, it's just me” he looked at you with a sad expression, and you understood perfectly: loneliness.

Coming back home to an empty bed at night. Not having anyone to rely on, to hold, to give you support and affection, to make love. So you nodded and smiled at him, sitting down with him at the table and grabbed yourself a plate, giggling at how hungry he really was, eating as if he hadn't seen food in months. He raised his eyes at you and stopped chewing, blushing as you wouldn't stop staring.

“You know, you and Sarah have the same sad puppy eyes when you are sick?!” Joel raised his eyebrow at you and you laughed softly “same red teary eyes, sniffing as someone takes care of you, it's actually adorable”

“You think I'm adorable?!”

“Adorable isn't exactly what you are Joel…” you said letting your eyes wandering all over him and having your ex-husband to smirk at you

“Yeah? You think I'm attractive?”

“You know you are attractive, Joel, now shut up and eat” you frowned softly and had dinner with him; it was a pleasant moment, spending some time together, without any talks about the divorce or the past, just two old acquaintances who perhaps had some kind of feelings for each other and shared a meal together. There weren't accusations, apologies or tears, just mundane, regular conversations and laughter. It was nice to have that moment with Joel, as you both progressed in a conversation about your lives and how things had changed over the years, truly catching up instead of arguing. When the subjected revolved around Sarah again, your ex-husband couldn't contain his curiosity anymore:

“You never wanted kids, darling?”

You looked down at your empty plate, a glimmer of sadness crossing your eyes as you shook your head and stared at him

“Not after you, Joel… I used to want a kid, before, when we were together, but not anymore. I feel it's too late for me now, even if I'm still young, it just feels impossible, you know?”

Joel's hand rested on top of yours, he caressed it very gently and looked at you. He sighed knowing exactly what you meant, knowing you actually meant having a baby together and of course he blew it once more. He couldn't even describe the remorse he felt, even if you had spent the past half an hour having a rare moment of bliss tougher, he knew he would never be able to erase what had happened between the two of you. He wished he had a chance to do so, but deep inside, even if he did, he knew the damage had been done.

“It's alright, Joel…” you said shyly and got up as you picked the plates and piled them in the sink, he immediately walked to you,

“Let me handle the dishes, it's the least I can do, you know… after you took care of my daughter and cooked for us. I'm sure Sarah loved it, we aren't used to having homemade food” he chuckled as you nodded

“Yeah, I figured, that's why I decided to make something else…” you said as you walked to the oven and opened it, showing Joel the freshly baked batch of chocolate chips cookies. He widened his eyes like a child and smiled big.

“This is your favorite, I figured it was Sarah's as well” you said sweetly and got the tray out of the oven, although you mumbled something a couple of times, Joel hadn't replied to you, as he kept washing the plates without interruption. You didn't get why he ignored your question, it made no sense; just a few minutes ago you were both having a nice, sweet time together and suddenly he wasn't going to say anything? That was odd. You placed the cookies on the balcony and called him again, to which you got no reply so you just shook his arm a little calling him again.

He turned around and watched you

“What is it?” He asked with a sweet smile, making you even more confused

“I called you a couple of times and you didn't say anything… is everything alright with you?” And at that question his face fell and it was impossible for Joel to hide his sadness. He licked his lips and nodded

“Yeah… it's just that… I'm kinda deaf in my right ear” he blushed and looked down in shame “I had a work accident some years ago and something blew up when I stood too close to it and well…” he shrugged and you felt your heart sink. Your poor Joel, always such a hardworking man, despite everything between you both, you never wanted him to be that injured. It saddened you to see how ashamed he seemed of it, even if he had no reason to be ashamed of it at all, and suddenly it made all sense to you why he was always subtly tilting his head to the left or standing towards that direction when he talked to you.

“I can hear it just fine, got used to it by now, but if you mumble something on my right it's kinda hard to me” the simple and even innocent way he said that made you so sympathetic of him, but it was way more than just that. It made you want to hold him, to assure him it was fine and he was still nothing but perfect no matter what had happened.

“Oh Joel…” you whispered and held his head in both of your hands, gently, your fingers brushing against his thick beard as you got closer and rested your forehead against his “I'm so sorry honey” you whispered again and closed your eyes. He was determined to respect you and not get handsy with you, but the moment he saw you pulling him closer, he couldn't help doing the same; gripping your waist with large hands, just like he used to, exactly where they fit so well, he brought your bodies close together.

“Don't go, please… stay” he whispered back, his lips were almost on yours, everything felt so right at that moment even if it was wrong. You hated how it felt like playing with fire: it seemed beautiful and appealing but you would get burned no matter what.

“I'm sorry, you know I can't” you said, moving your lips just an inch further and connecting with his, earning a hungry kiss.

For someone who desperately wanted to keep away from their ex-husband, you were certainly doing a shitty job. He needed you as much as you needed him, you both wanted each other, but you broke the kiss. It couldn't happen, your relationship was as complicated as it was and you didn't want to deal with that responsibility later. His heavy breathing lingered on your skin, at the same time he placed a soft peck on your neck, knowing all your sweet spots, that devilish man Joel Miller was.

“You know you can call me, right? Anything you need, anything at all, just call me and I'll come running to you, darling, don't forget that” he whispered into your ear and more than a seducing invitation, it was a plea, from a hopelessly man in love who didn't know what to do to prove his worth.

•••

Joel's offer to call him whenever you needed was so tempting, because you didn't actually need to call him, but you wanted to. It made no sense, you were the one who wanted to keep your distance from him, but due to the latest events you found yourself wanting to see Joel each time more, just the thought of his presence brought you an excitement you tried not reading too much into it; you didn't want to admit you were crushing on your ex-husband, but then, how could you call the fact your heart raced when you saw him? How you blushed and felt sparkles whenever you touched him briefly - accidentally or not? It was tricky, it was a mess but it seemed Joel made you lose that filter that always kept you emotionally distant from everyone. After learning Sarah was alright, you felt relieved for her, and when she stopped by your home and thanked you for taking care of her, you felt that familiar warmth in your heart. It seemed the more your rational part fought for you to stay away, that you had been severely hurt by Joel and you couldn't afford giving him a chance to do the same for the second time, but your irrational side? The one driven by your feelings and desires?! That one only made you dive deeper into the Millers household. Your feelings for Sarah just grew, you were attached to her and she was attached to you, she found in you the female influence it lacked for years and she represented something you never had but wished you could. And her dad was something else… ever since that evening you spent together, having dinner, chatting and enjoying each other's company, Joel had told you you could call him anytime for any reason. It didn't matter if you wanted to talk, hang out or have him fix something at your place, he was at your will.

And then you weren't certain if your faucet was really leaking, or if your door was actually warped or if all of that had to do with the fact you were looking for an excuse to call Joel and see him. You didn't want to hire him and you didn't want to discuss feelings, talk about the past or hear all sorts of apologies, you wanted to have a nice, pleasant moment with him, just like you had the last time. It felt so familiar and yet so new; it was about the two of you being acquaintances but at the same time meeting each other, your older, more mature versions finally getting together and hitting off. That was the kind of interaction you wanted from Joel.

You just didn't know exactly how to initiate it, not without giving him any kind of hope or leading him into it.

So you decided to focus on work, like you'd been doing for over a decade. You liked your job, it was stressful as any other job in the world and the money was great. However, you had got so comfortable and used to working from home, the days you were forced to actually go to the office felt excruciating, but it was part of the deal and you had to do it. So you got up, got ready - not without texting Sarah to let her know you wouldn't be home that day - and went to do your business. It was also when you noticed something was wrong. You didn't know the car that was parked across the street, it was a little odd, as you got used to all your neighbors and it was such a calm neighborhood you simply noticed when there was someone from outside. Still, you shrugged and got into your own car, driving to work.

On your way back, all you wanted was a cool shower and some relaxing hours scattered on the couch, but you tensed up a bit when you spotted the same car you did in the morning still there. It had nothing indicating trouble, and yet, you had a gut feeling telling you it simply wasn't right, however, there was nothing you could really do about it. You thought of calling Joel, but you didn't want to risk sounding paranoid and overall crazy. What could you tell him?! That there was a car parked across the street?!

You groaned when you checked your email and saw you would have to attend a meeting at work in person the next day. You were so sure you'd solved everything up, so why would you have to go? It was probably one of those meetings that could be just a work email and it annoyed you to no end, but still, you had no other option other than attending so the next morning you were there, getting ready when you spotted the same car. You had no idea if it had spent the whole night there or if it had gotten there before you woke up, nonetheless, you were taken by the same feeling you did the day before, no matter if they were irrational or not, it was just overwhelming. After another day at work, you returned home and sighed relieved to see the car wasn't there. Maybe it had been just a paranoid episode, perhaps you were just reading too much into things and all the stress from work combined with your situation with Joel made you lose your grip on reality a little bit.

The fact was that after doing your regular house things, you decided to take a relaxing bath and sink yourself into your tub. Selecting the perfect bath bomb and adjusting the temperature, you got inside, groaning at how the warm water made your tense muscles relax and you could feel the knots undoing themselves; as you closed your eyes and relaxed, there was nothing clouding up your mind but Joel.

His handsome face, his smile, his curly graying hair. He was your Joel, but older, mode handsome, if that was even a thing, because Joel was definitely the most handsome man you'd ever met. You couldn't help yourself but picture him wrapping his strong arms around your body, perhaps a relaxing bath with Joel would feel so good, you wouldn't be able to to turn it down. Just to imagine his naked body holding yours was enough to spike so many things all over you. You didn't know if you'd ended up dozing off in the tub, but it was hard to say if any time had passed or not the moment you heard some noises around your house. You couldn't remember if you'd forgotten your TV on or something like that, you were sure you hadn't turned on the radio, but it was enough to feel goosebumps all over your skin. You left the tub, drying yourself as quick as possible and wrapping a bathrobe around your body, exiting the room as silently as you could, hearing whispering and steps all over the lower floor. You went to your room and looked outside the window, your heart racing the moment you spotted the same car you'd seen before. You didn't know what to do, you could feel the suffocating wave of anxiety taking over completely. You could hear their voices, because apparently there was more than one guy. They were robbing your home, but what would happen if they reached you? You immediately locked your bedroom door, so relieved to see your phone was thrown onto the bed. Grabbing it, you dialed the number you'd never forgotten.

•••

“Come on, darling, open up” Joel's voice was the first thing you registered after you made the call, hugged yourself against a corner of your room and closed your eyes. You had heard footsteps climbing the stairs and how the thieves banged on your door, but you remained as quiet as you could. Just praying someone would show up to save you. You'd called Joel and he called the cops on his way over, he had dropped everything he was doing when he heard the raw fear in your voice. It was horrible you had your home broken into, but it made it even worse to think of what two criminals could do with such a beautiful woman like yourself. So he grabbed Tommy and they both rushed towards your place. Arriving there almost at the same time as the cops did, finding your front door busted open and a lot of valuable things such as your TV and your laptop gone. He had a baseball bat in hands, ready to attack whoever threatened your physical integrity and when he got questioning looks from the cop, he cleared his throat and explained he was your ex-husband - and friend.

“Is that really you, Joel?” You asked in a little more than a whisper, so glad to know he was there. You walked to the door and unlocked it, seeing Joel's worried eyes scanning you to make sure you were unharmed. Only then, you realized you hadn't gotten dressed, still wrapped in your bathrobe, but it didn't matter, all you could think of was looking for shelter into his strong, safe arms, sinking your face into his chest at the same time Joel caressed your back up and down, his lips planted a kiss on top of your head and another one on your forehead, wanting to soothe you and show you how safe you were from now on. He was there for you, it wouldn't absolve him from what he'd done in the past, but that didn't even matter to you or Joel, the important thing was that he was there, he came as fast as he could only for you and he would do it a thousand times more if necessary; you both knew that.

“I got you, baby girl, I got you” Joel cooed at you, tightening the hug around your body and keeping you closer. And you had missed that embrace, you just belonged in it, and you never wanted to let go.

Joel held you through the whole process of talking to the cops, informing them about the strange car that was seen around your home and also listing every item they stole: your TV, an iPad, your laptop and your car. Even if you were safe among them, you couldn't help but feel that nervous, anxious feeling at the very possibility of being alone at home once more. Nothing happened in the end, but it could have happened, and though it sucked to have been robbed of so much valuable stuff, you weren't harmed, and that was what mattered the most to you and above all, Joel.

As the cops talked to Joel and assured they'd get in touch if any of it was found, he walked them to the door and turned back to you, finding you all shy and scared, hugging yourself and looking at him with sad eyes. You didn't want to be alone and you didn't want to have to ask him for company, you didn't want to sound whiny or pathetic, especially not after it was just a break-in without any physical damage.

“Come on, pack your bags and I'll take you home with me” Joel's voice broke the silence and made you stare at him surprised “it can be for a few days, but if you aren't comfortable with that, then let me take you at least for the night, I ain't leaving you alone. Sarah's out at her friends in a slumber party or something, you can take her bed, or mine and I'll sleep on the couch, it doesn't matter, just come…” he extended his hand to you, which you gladly took it, and made his way upstairs, waiting patiently as you grabbed a backpack and shoved a few clothes and accessories you would need. You couldn't even describe how you felt at Joel's kindness. You were so comforted, so glad to see you weren't alone and that he was willing to take care and protect you. It didn't take very long to get your backpack ready, wrapping your arms around his neck in another tight hug, thanking him for being so gentle and earning only reassuring and affectionate words.

Once you got to the truck, you were welcomed by a whiff of his familiar scent, it smelled like Joel, your Joel and your heart warmed. He glanced at you while he drove, still seeing the tension all over you and his hand rested on your knee “you must be hungry…”

“I am” you said, a little anxious and watched as he turned the wheel and changed streets. Even before getting to the address, you already knew where Joel was taking you: your favorite Taco place. You chuckled as you remembered that was your favorite date spot when you were painfully young; when life seemed so promising and Joel Miller was the man who made you stutter and sweat through your hands. Whenever he glanced towards you, your cheeks would heat up and you would feel like bursting into flames. And after you both got married, when things were still good, that was the place where he would stop by eventually, pick up some takeout and take home, as a way of spoiling and thanking you for taking care of him. As he parked, he smiled and cleared his throat.

“You know, this is our spot, I never brought any girl here, with the exception of Sarah, of course, but much to my disappointment, she isn't really into tacos, which makes it exclusively our thing” he winked at you and you nodded, a small, petty side of you felt thankful for the confirmation of Angela never been there with Joel. It was just a taco shop and yet, it was still one thing that it was so yours and Joel's and she hadn't ruined it with her touch. You felt even hungrier at that moment, relaxing to know you could have a peaceful dinner with your good memories and the man who somehow still managed to make you blush, stammer a little and sweat through your hands.

As you both munched on the food sitting down in the back of his truck, just like you did every Friday night more than a decade ago, you chuckled at how things change but somehow remain the same. He tilted his head to the side, wiping a little bit of sauce you had over your cheek, exactly like when you both were younger.

“I know this probably tastes like shit, compared to the food you've had over the years when you traveled all over the world, you know Sarah told me all about it because she really admires you an-”

You took his hand and squeezed it, then placed your hand on his chin making him look into your eyes.

“Joel… this is the best taco I've ever had, the most delicious takeout I've ever tried because you are here with me..” she whispered and smiled, seeing how his face lit up. Neither of you said it, but you were finally having that date he asked you out several months ago, when destiny decided to put the two of you together. As he saw you shivering in the cold wind, he did the honorable thing and took off his jacket, placing it over your shoulder and rubbing both of your arms. You thanked him and looked all over his truck

“We spent quite a while in here…” you shrugged “and to think I lost my virginity here… you've always been a real gentleman” you scoffed and rolled your eyes. Joel laughed and sighed

“Yeah, well, I've come along nicely, give me a chance and I'll show you” he winked, flirting a little as you shook your head in disbelief.

“Are you serious?! Fuck off, Joel Miller! No guy will ever fuck me in the back of a truck, and especially not you!” You slapped his arm playfully, hugging it and resting your chin on his shoulder, feeling the wind against your face and looking up at him.

“Joel? Can you do us both a favor?” He nodded at you wanting to hear whatever question you had to ask him “please don't let Sarah marry the first asshole she falls in love with”

“I'm on it” he replied, laughing softly and pulling you closer. Closer than you'd ever been to him, he just wished that night wouldn't end too soon.

•••

Lying in Sarah's bed was odd, to say the least; especially when Joel's room was just there, a hallway distant from you. After the moment - better saying, the moments you both had shared in the past few days and even more so that night, you felt things would escalate to another level, a level in which it didn't matter to you if it was right or wrong, It was just bound to happen. But once you got to his home, he showed you his daughter's room, the bathroom, and asked if you needed anything else and simply let you be. Which was what you wanted, it was what you had asked him to do the last time you'd shared a kiss, but at the same time you felt disappointed because you wanted more of him, more of your Joel. The sweet moments you'd spent together were weighing so heavily in your heart, and even if you hadn't forgotten about what happened, the new proximity brought a new light in your relationship with Joel; it felt nice and different, a good different and as much as you closed your eyes and tried falling asleep, you were simply taken back to the moment he held you, soothed you, caressed your skin and assured you everything was alright. Tossing and turning in bed while you wished you were somewhere else instead, anywhere really, as long as he was just next to you. At first, when the gentle strumming from the guitar got to your ears, you imagined you had dozed off for a few minutes, perhaps you had even started to dream, but when your eyes were wide open and the beautiful, familiar sound wouldn't cease, you knew that only meant one thing: Joel was playing the guitar.

It couldn't come from his bedroom, the sound was too far to be coming from there, so you knew you would have to get up and explore. Suddenly, you felt a wave of excitement. Not only did you love watching Joel play the guitar, but now you had a pretty decent and reasonable excuse to go after him. You didn't want to make things weird and be that kind of person to leave the other confused, with your dubious signs, but you were just following your heart at that moment.

You tiptoed through his house, doing your best to move in the dark, as you didn't want to startle Joel or make him think you wanted the music to stop. And then your heart skipped a beat when you looked through the window and saw him playing the guitar on his porch. The cold wind that bothered you when you both were out eating tacos seemed to have stopped, and just then you realized it was indeed warm inside the house. He was so relaxed, strumming his guitar and humming a song softly, you've always loved his singing voice, even if he was a little shy about it, you could sit down and watch him play and sing for hours. You opened the door quietly and rested against the doorframe, admiring it quietly the way he looked focused at his guitar. He played calmly and it was the most beautiful sight you could ever think of. You wouldn't be able to tell exactly how long you stood there, but when Joel looked up at you, you were already walking towards him.

“That was beautiful, Joel…”

“Just like you are, darlin'”

You both knew exactly what you wanted at that moment, how you took another step closer, one after the other and you suddenly were hovering over him. Joel placed his guitar down, he wasn't going to be able to hold himself back, not at that moment. In one single motion, he pulled you to him by the hips, a tight grasp around your body and kissing you deeply. You straddled Joel, your hands making their familiar way towards his curls, loving how they always felt under your touch. Unlike the other times you'd kissed, you knew you would both go all the way down, you wanted it, craved it and even if you knew what to do and where to touch, it also felt new, you were both were the same young couple who'd been so in love, newly married and full of hopes and dreams, but you were also a couple who'd lived separately for more than a decade, you had both experienced heartbreaks, passions, you'd tried and touched other people, but eventually, just like home, it you were drawn to each other. There was no way out. When you were shamelessly humping and groaning on top of him, Joel knew it was time to take things inside, to hell with his neighbors, he didn't care if any of them witnessed it, if anything, he wanted people to see what a lucky bastard he was to have you in his arms, that he was going to take you and make you his at least once more. So he got up, lifting you up easily, so easily, and took you inside, climbing stairs with you in his arms, he longed for you, he was hungry for your body, your taste, your touch. He needed you and Joel Miller was about to take it all. He placed you over his mattress and got rid of his shirt - his dark blue one, that looked so good on him - and let your hands wander his body. He didn't take long to undress you, nibbling your thighs in the process, he knew your body like the palm of his hand, with the exception the last time he'd visited it, his palm wasn't as calloused as it was now, just as you weren't so painfully hot as you were at that moment. You'd always been gorgeous, but at that moment, naked in his bed, it was the most beautiful and erotic thing he'd ever seen and yet he wanted it to make it forever. As he got inside of you, he didn't know how long it would last, how long you both would last, you were being way nicer and more compassionate than he would ever deserve it, but at the same time, something within said you shared the same feelings for each other.

Once you both reached your bliss, love bites, kissings, caresses and so much affection between you both, you relaxed into his arms, your head resting comfortably in his chest, and you felt at home. You still didn't know what the next day would bring you both. Perhaps you would stay together, or you would part ways for good, there was still so much to be done, to spoken, you would have to handle the fact and the consequences of not using protection with Joel, maybe that was a good reason to worry about , or not, you didn't want to think of it, just as you didn't want to think of how you both could ever explain to Sarah what happened, or how Joel would explain Tommy and you would explain your family how you got together, maybe even one day Angela could return, you'd learned the hard way life wasn't a bed of roses and you feared that if you agreed to be happy with Joel once more you would get hurt, one way or another, but all that wasn't important, not at that moment. All it mattered was you and your Joel in bed, snuggled up and worrying about nothing but each other. He nuzzled your neck, making you giggle and in return you pecked his lips once more. He wanted to say those three little words, but decided not to, not yet, instead, he wanted to show you it, now he'd had a taste of you, and he vowed himself to make you happy for the rest of his life.

He knew he had broken your heart, it was the worst thing Joel Miller had ever done, but he was going to win you back, because he wasn't going to give up happiness with you, not again.

____

A/N: besties, how did I do? Did you like it? I hope you did! I honestly had planned on writing a sad ending, I was going to make reader move on from Joel once for all, but then, is it even possible to get over him? It's impossible not to fall for him and give him a second chance. A third part is possible but I have no idea when, and feedback is always welcome my lovelies ❤️💕

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diazsdimples · 1 month

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What do u say about these supposed hard core fans that are shipping buck Tommy? They gonna make the writers keep that homophobe around 😰

I am entirely the wrong person to ask about this.

Firstly, I ship Bucktommy AND Buddie. And this is possible! You are allowed to see Buck be happy with a man for the first time (how fucking good!!) but also wish upon the nearest star that he ends up with Eddie in the end. I truly believe Buddie is endgame but at the moment, I am more delighted at the fact that Buck is happy, with a man, experiencing a positive queer relationship.

The reason I ship Bucktommy is because look! at! how! happy! this! boy! is!!! I will ship ANY person that makes my little blorbo as happy and blushy and giggly as Evan Buckley is when he's with Tommy Kinard. He is SMITTEN. Do I think they're endgame? Not at the moment, no. Would I be upset if they were? I'd mourn the fuck out of Buddie, but I would be glad that Buck is finally happy and comfortable in a relationship. His happiness is paramount.

For the reasons why Buck's bisexual arc is more important than a ship, please read this post. It talks about the importance of representation in current media, and my own experiences of coming to terms with my bisexuality just before this arc was aired. What we're seeing with Buck's story is revolutionary, really. We haven't seen this kind of thing happen in media much at all and it is so important to show.

For any issues regarding Tommy, please read this post by the lovely @slightlyobsessedwitheverything. They beautifully go through all his appearances and break them down for us and I would urge you to read it with an open mind.

Now, about Eddie. I am an Eddie girlie (gn) through and through. That is my babygirl and I adore him with every fibre of my being. I would love nothing more than to see him go through a queer arc. However, right now, Eddie is not in the place to do so. We saw from the last episode that he's an untapped reservoir of Catholic guilt, and it's gonna take a lot to work through that, before he can have any kind of realisation re: Buck. He's very much in his comphet days but is starting to take some steps towards undoing some of his old habits, like getting Marisol to move out when he realises they're moving too fast.

With this in mind, I think it would be too rushed and too early for Buddie to get together right now. Yeah they've had many seasons of being married and living out of one another's pockets but given the stages of life they are both in, I feel it wouldn't end as well as we'd like it to. Eddie isn't in the right place for it. Buck is exploring his sexuality. They need time to learn and grow and do some serious thinking and realising before they can even begin to contemplate a relationship together.

Regarding the "homophobe", I am assuming this is referring to Edy Ganem and not Lou Ferrigno Jr. I would like it noted for the record that I cannot stand Edy and therefore cannot stand Marisol. If Meddie were to be endgame, I'd fume. They have no chemistry. They do not suit one another. And I don't believe Edy should be given a platform to spread her hateful rhetoric, and I hope the last we see of her is 7x07. I'm a little mad it wasn't 7x05 but there we go.

However, Tommy and Buck's storyline and Eddie and Marisol's storyline are entirely separate. The only thing that links them are Buck and Eddie, and their friendship. I don't believe that Tommy's existence means Marisol is going to stick around and I find it a little odd that you do. Buck can and has had relationships that aren't Eddie. Eddie can and has had relationships that aren't Buck. Buck being in a relationship does not mean Eddie will also be in one. Tommy's existence does not confirm Marisol's continued existence.

My current best case scenario is Eddie being single by the end of 7x07 (please god), and Buck and Tommy continuing their relationship, so Buck has the opportunity to learn and experience same-sex relationships while Eddie has the time to deconstruct his true feelings, get therapy, work through 30+ years of repression, and then they'll be ready.

ALSO I DO NOT WANT BUCK TO CHEAT ON TOMMY WITH EDDIE. WE ARE NOT HERE FOR THAT.

Best case scenario, sometime towards the end of s7 or beginning of s8, Buck and Tommy decide that they both want different things out of life, have an amicable split that doesn't leave either of them hurt, Tommy sticks around as a recurring character because he's ingrained in the 118 again, Eddie's doing his therapy thing and then maybe mid s8 him and Buck can start coming to some realisations with a potential for Buddie moments towards the end of s8. Honestly anything else would seem too rushed.

The final point I'd like to make is that I find it extremely odd that you call people who ship Bucktommy "supposed hardcore fans". Shipping anything other than Buddie doesn't make you any less of a fan. Actually, I'd argue it shows a bit more commitment to the characters as you're willing to be open to them growing as humans and expanding on the personalities that we love. If Buddie is the only reason you watch the show, I feel you should re-evaluate your motivation. This show has so many great ships, such as Bathena, Henren and Madney, as well as Buddie and Bucktommy, and considering this is an ensemble show, we should show all of them as much love as the other. These characters are so intertwined with one another and that's what makes this show so worth watching. Watching for 2 characters and 2 characters only is not getting the full enjoyment out of it.

I hope this answered your questions and gave you something to reflect on. As I say, I'm not the right person to ask about this as I too ship Bucktommy, currently have 2 Bucktommy fics in my drafts and watch them kiss at least 10 times a day. And for future reference, I will be unfollowing/blocking people who throw tantrums about not getting Buddie so far, or who believe you can only ship Buddie and feel superior for doing so. Have a good rest of your day.

#james answers things #james says things #bucktommy #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #tommy kinard #fandom discourse I guess?#911 abc #911 season 7 #911 buddie #911 spoilers #anon #asks #this ended up a lot longer than I thought it would #but this question pissed me off a little dskjdsk #thank you for coming to my TED talk

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litnerdwrites · 2 months

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So, about Morrigan...

We all know that Morrigan's life was spent with others lording power over her, her body and her autonomy. When she tried to regain power and control over her own fate and body by sleeping with Cassian, she wound up tortured and brutalised at the boarder of the Autumn court, while the first person to find her, Eris, left her there. I don't like Morrigan either, but nobody should have to go through something like that, least of all at the hands of their own parents.

However, we see later in ACOFAS, that Mor's father still holds a lot of power over her.

The fact her father still holds this kind of power over her is a problem to her. So what does she do? Instead of working harder to overcome her trauma, talking about it, trying to face her fears, or doing anything else productive, she decides to become just as bad.

Mor lords power over Nesta, knowing Feyre and Cassian would chose their and their court over Nesta in a heart beat. Instead of empowering Feyre by encouraging her to hash things out with Nesta and take the first step to rebuilding that relationship, or telling Cassian not to disrespect Nesta's boundaries (the way males constantly disrespected her own boundaries), Mor decides to go on a power trip, by helping to isolate Nesta.

She constantly insults Nesta at every opportunity, getting off on the power she holds over her, despite the trauma and pain Nesta's gone through. During her first dinner with them, Nesta refuses their (unreasonable) request (felt more like a demand imo) to share her story at the HL meeting, and leaves the room before strangers who, best case scenario, don't give a shit about her, or worst case scenario, despise her, can peer pressure her into it.

It's been insinuated more than once that the IC doesn't know the whole truth about what transpired between Morrigan and Eris. Cassian, in silver flames, called Eris a 'good male' but also a 'coward' trapped by terrible circumstances (which is another topic I'd like to discuss later on), despite knowing what happened to Mor. It's becoming clear that one of them, or both of them, are lying about what happened. Which, personally, I think is fair, to some extent. Mor is under no obligation to share the truth in it's entirety with anybody if she doesn't want to.

(Although letting them believe a selective truth that paints Eris as a villain and letting her family insult him if that's not the case is so fucked up of her to do, and yet so on brand).

However, one would think that, because of this, Morrigan, of all characters, would understand not wanting to talk about your traumas, much less in front of an audience. Especially given the prejudices between humans & fae, Beron's general disposition, and the NC being disliked by most of the other courts, it seems obvious Nesta wouldn't want to talk to them at all, much less share something so deeply traumatising.

Instead, she passes Feyre a bottle of wine, as if she's the one being the most inconvenienced by Nesta's trauma and her response to it. She does the same in ACOSF, deciding that Nesta should be trapped in the CON while taking immense pleasure in the torture Nesta's going through. She even gloats about it to Nesta when coming to see Nesta being humiliated in Illyria.

Mor has suffered immensely, but as I mentioned in my previous post, trauma is an explanation for cruel behaviour, not an excuse. Much like Nesta, while Mor's actions may, to some extent, be explained by trauma, it doesn't excuse them. It should open a door to empathy and understanding.

Perhap's Nesta's human values, being somewhat similar to the values of the CON, may contribute to Mor associating her with her father. Or perhaps she wanted to feel powerful by protecting Feyre from horrible family the way she wished someone had protected her. Perhaps, in taking away Feyre's agency and power over her own forgiveness and relationship with her sisters, Mor was able to feel powerful. It's possible she see's Keir in her, which may be why Mor feels Nesta would 'thrive' in the CON.

Instead of stepping into her own power by facing her abusers, she faces other victims, takes power away from her own friends, and lords it over other victims. She takes power and agency from her friends, and for all she tells Feyre to stay out of the situation between Elain and Lucien, she continually inserts herself into the situation between Nesta and Feyre.

Mor used to hold power over Cassian and Azriel by using Cassian as a buffer between Az and her, knowing they both would do whatever she asked, pretty much. Now, she now lords power over Nesta and actively helps to isolate her, while also flaunting her relationships with Feyre and Cassian in order to hurt Nesta, knowing that Cassian and Feyre would let it happen without a care in the world. (I mean, what else do you call that scene at solstice where Mor and Cassian happily exchanged lingerie in front of her, while Feyre herself didn't even get Nesta a gift, after forcing her to come to solstice against her will).

TLDR: Mor's on a power trip because she unfairly associates Nesta with her father for no reason and uses it as an excuse to be almost as bad as Kier to Nesta. The cycle of abuse at it's finest people.

(Also, does anyone else come to post, intending for it to be short and sweet, only to end up going on a long ass tangent and writing a whole essay? Cause I do that. IDK how to stop though😭)

#anti acosf #anti ic #anti inner circle #anti rhysand #pro nesta #nesta deserves better #nesta acotar #anti amren #anti mor #pro nesta archeron #anti morrigan #Seriously Mor needds to take her own advice and mind her own business.#cycle of abuse through and through

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ordinaryschmuck · 1 month

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*Sighs*...Okay, yeah, Wish really IS bad

And I didn't want to go in thinking that. I went in with the most optimistic view possible. Because with EVERYONE treating this movie as the worst thing possible, a POX upon the house of mouse itself, I went in thinking that there's no WAY it's THAT bad. So when I finally watched, I decided...I was right. It's NOT that bad. But...Well...Let's get into it.

This is the part where I'd say "Positives First," to show off what worked before picking apart what didn't. Except that, aside from a few little moments and easter eggs that made me go, "Aw, that's cute," I'm coming up EMPTY. Every single thing--And I do mean EVERY SINGLE THING in this movie, from the animation, songs, characters, story, themes, ideas, and even EXECUTIONS...is ALMOST good. Every single aspect of this film ALMOST worked. The pieces are there and I can see just how this film could have been the masterpiece that was a CENTURY in the making. The problem is that there's ONE THING holding it back: Not enough time. And I don't just mean that the movie should have been longer. No, I mean that this movie needed another YEAR of production to tighten up EVERYTHING. Why's that? Well, let's go in order of the things I mentioned.

The animation is clearly trying to go for this mixed-medium style that movies like Puss in Boots: The Last Wish or Spider-Verse popularized. Those movies mixed hand-drawn animation with 3D models, making storybook illustrations or comic book art feel ALIVE. That's sort of Wish is going for. I hear people say that Disney's 100 year celebration should have been completely hand drawn to call back to their early years, but I tend to disagree. I think Disney making a movie that's mixed-medium is a better way to honor its one hundred years, taking the animation that made Disney huge and mixing it with modern CGI as a way to make it feel like a celebration of the old AND new. EXCEPT that it doesn't really look good, aside from certain screenshots. There are SOME still images where if you paused the movie at the right time you can get something that looks like a 2D image with CG touch-ups. For the rest of the movie, it looks like a modern CGI Disney film with a storybook filter slapped on it. It doesn't look TOO BAD when your eyes get used to it, but it doesn't stop the movie from feeling like it ALMOST hit the right mark. The only times it REALLY works is with Star.

Wha--No. No, not that one. That's the wrong Disney character named Star.

There he is. There's my little guy.

But look at him. He's a 3D character with hand-drawn touch-ups that really makes him feel like a 2D character brought to life. If the whole movie looked like HIM, then it would have been a revolutionary achievement for Disney. But it doesn't. Instead, it feels like a missed opportunity that would have worked better if they had more time to animate this film instead of leaving their animators scattered to the winds to make half-assed sequels or forcing out one to two projects every year.

There should have also been more attention given to the songs because...Oh my gosh, they're bad. They SOUND nice, I love the instrumentals and the POWER these people put into the vocals. "This Wish" and its reprise successfully gives me chills through how well they're sang and how epic the instruments make them. But the LYRICS...are messy. When you sit down and actually LISTEN to what's sung, it all just...BLEH. That's the best way I can describe it, I'm sorry! It's BLEH!

Why would a king in a fairytale kingdom in the distant past sing, "You're sure you're not the prob?"

"Throwing caution into every warning sign" doesn't come across as a person freeing herself from her insane king's vague warnings but ADHERING to them.

The way that Asha and King Magnifico sing about protecting wishes makes it sound like they're singing to EACH OTHER.

And "You're A Star." OH BOY! The song that's meant to explain how these animals can magically talk is just filled with allegories and allusions that think they explain EVERYTHING only to explain NOTHING. It's just vague nonsense that, again, SOUNDS nice, but offers no real substance. On its own, I guess I can get into it, but to tell a story, it falls apart. Because that's the difference when it comes to writing a regular song and writing a musical: You're not just making a good song, you're telling a story through MUSIC. Wish's soundtrack is one that's filled with catchy songs, but not ones that properly move the story forward. Not to mention how they're so jarringly out of character in cases like "This is the Thanks I Get." When Disney released the soundtrack, that was my favorite song because I felt like it perfectly fit this smug, egotistical prick who thought he was the best person alive. Turns out that's not what Wish was going for...Not entirely.

Magnifico feels like he's meant to be a mix between Gaston and Maleficent. A character that has a huge ego and loves himself more than anything, but has an incredible amount of power to make himself a threat. If done right, a villain like that could stand up to be with some of Disney's best. And, yeah, like everything else in this movie, he ALMOST works. When he's finally a villain, he's campy and over the top, making him entertaining...But notice how I said "When he's finally a villain." That's because Magnifico doesn't really become what he's meant to be until halfway through the movie. He starts off as a King with good intentions but paranoid ideals that doesn't make him evil, it makes him feel like a guy who needed evidence to prove that other magic isn't a threat. By the time he finally acts more like a Disney villain, it was such a jarring left turn that his sudden switch-up made me feel like it was somehow a nightmare sequence from Asha. He's NOTHING like the guy he starts out as, and it's not a natural change that flows well throughout the film. That's mainly because the story has a pacing problem worse than any movie I've seen. If King Magnifico's path to the dark side was slow and gradual, showing signs of his worst qualities first and make them more apparent as the film goes on, he would have worked INCREDIBLY. Instead, it comes across as his villainy was activated like someone flipped a switch in his brain that says, "Be evil now." It's the absolute REVERSE of a bad redemption story, mixed with a lazy explanation that it was dark magic that made him more corrupt when he should have been evil since minute one. And you want to know the worst part? He's probably the best character in this.

Asha...isn't bad. She's your standard quirky nice girl protagonist that Disney just LOVES to use, especially lately. It's just that Asha doesn't have that "Gets stuff done" attitude like Moana or Mulan, nor does she have the infectious charm like Maribel or Anna. Asha, instead, is a lot like her breakout song: Nice and enjoyably, but doesn't stand out from the biggest hits. As for her animal sidekick Valentino...He's not annoying, but he's not funny either. Honestly, his comedy peaked when it was revealed that this cute baby goat sounded like Clayface from that Harley Quinn cartoon. A joke, by the way, that got spoiled by the trailers, so it's not really AS funny in the movie. Honestly, Asha's SEVEN FRIENDS are funnier at times. Speaking of, those characters are very clearly meant to be the Seven Dwarfs. And it is VERY distracting because not only does it feel like only two or three of them are necessary to the plot, but they're the ONLY major reference that the movie shines a light on when it comes to Disney's history.

Would I have wanted this entire movie to be nothing but references of past Disney movies? Of course not. That's not how movies work. But Wish seems to have this problem where it doesn't really COMMIT to honoring Disney's legacy. The most it does is give the Seven Dwarfs human OCs, make them supporting characters, and throws in tiny little easter eggs here and there. Again, some of them are cute, but it's not enough. The same goes for when Wish tries to honor some of the tropes and cliches that Disney popularized. It's an animated musical with talking animals, a campy villain, an objectively pretty protagonist, and goofy sidekicks. But it takes more than ADDING that stuff to your movie in order to honor them. You need to look at what made those tropes and cliches work in the first place and make something that calls back to those classic films while still having something new to say. And Wish almost--ALMOST--has something new to say.

With everything surrounding King Magnifico and how he got more power with people's wishes, I almost thought Wish was going to be a film that called out modern Disney. At least, modern CORPORATE Disney, a company that takes ideas and thoughts created by dozens of talented people, twists them into something unrecognizable, and refuses to give those ideas back when choosing to do NOTHING with this great idea leaves them free of competition. And to stop something evil like that, you must make something of your own and work hard to make your idea yours instead of letting someone more powerful take it from you. I thought that would have been a GREAT message...But of course DISNEY wouldn't want a movie calling them OUT for their one hundred year victory lap. So, instead, we have a message that tries to get the same idea across, but in a simplified way where the wishes are taken LITERALLY and that the only way to get what you want is to wish hard enough for it. That is...NOT the message I want kids to learn from this as it often leads to bad expectations. If this movie tried an ironically anti-Disney message in ANY OTHER year, it would have a better chance of getting away with it. But for a hundred year celebration, there was no chance in hell.

Wish is NOT Disney's worst movie, but it's nowhere near the best. I love SO MANY of the ideas and what it TRIES to do, but there's a difference between good ideas and good executions. It was ALMOST good, but Wish was not the movie anybody was really wishing for...

#disney #wish critical #quick thoughts #what i thought about

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okkotszn · 2 years

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◡̈⋆ʜᴇʟʟᴏ(●’◡’●)ﾉ

I'd like to request Kaidou and Saiki separately (headcanons, one shot, ect. Whatever form you want) with a gender neutral reader.

Senario: He gets assigned to a project with his crush(reader) as his partner and gets stuck in the closet with them while getting supplies

Note: for Saiki's they don't know about his special abilities

It's ok if you don't accept my request. Best of wishes,

-Zell

in the closet

characters ; saiki kusuo, kaidou shun (separately)

tw/cw: fluff!

requests: closed

a/n: as it’s summer, i will be slowly going through more and more of your requests :D

saiki kusuo

he obviously knows about your little crush on him beforehand

doesn’t want to admit it but thinking about it makes him smile a bit

he never got the chance to ask you out though because every time he gets the chance, either nendou or kaidou are dragging him away

rip saiki 🪦

so you guys were partners for a project and decided to go into the closet and get some supplies…

the door locks behind you guys!

we all know kusuo could unlock it in a second, but he doesn’t want you to find out about his powers

plus he kinda enjoys being alone with you without having kaidou and nendou bother you two

makes an idea pop into his head…

you’re at the door, trying to unlock it as you bang on it while trying to alert someone that could be passing by

you give up after a while though

now you two are just sitting in silence

he sees this as an opportunity!!

“do you wanna get something to eat after school?”

you’re pretty caught off guard at this but accept his invitation

he can also hear you freaking out in your head

the room is dark, but if you shine a dim light on kusuo’s face, you’d be able to see a light blush on his face

he finally did it!!

suddenly the door opens

who opened it?

nendou and kaidou.

they drag saiki away, but not before he quickly exchanges his number with you

kaidou shun

he always acts nervous around you, it would be super surprising if you didn’t already know of his crush on you

when you two get stuck in the closet together, he goes absolutely nuts on the inside

he pretends he’s super chill on the outside

but on the inside his heart is going into complete overdrive mode

he can’t believe he’s going to be this close to you for god knows how long

the darkness of the room is working in his favor because his face is as red as a tomato

here, he’s the one banging on the door because he doesn’t think his heart can handle being so close to you for more than a second

he eventually gives up and sits against the door

you ask if he’s okay because he just won’t look at you

comes out as a shaky “yeah, im okay”

his crush cares about him???!/11//?!?

“you wanna get coffee or something sometime?”

his heart stops

did you just ask????? him out???!/1/1

his brain malfunctions but he manages to let out a coherent “yeah, sure”

suddenly the door opens and kaidou falls flat on his back since he had been leaning on it

“there you are, pal!”

decides to talk to you the next day about your little date because nendou ruined the moment

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my-rose-tinted-glasses · 2 months

Text

@lurkingshan Ok. So I haven't really been in QL land long enough to have watched a lot of under the radar ql stuff to be honest. The OJBL journey is the thing that really is helping me discover more stuff or when someone else recommends something.

Also before I start a couple of things. I don't really know if any of this is obscure or not to be fair. I guess these are things that I had to go look for because I'd never heard of them. But that's me. Second thing. Outside tumblr I don't really know what's ql or not. The only distinction I really make is asian queer media or western. So, sorry for my ignorance in this. This is just some of the ones I watched not too long ago I guess.

Speaking of my ojbl journey. You already talked about No Touching at All recently. But I'll take this opportunity to plug another one that I really like and I wish more people watched was

Ai no Kotodama

The wonderful @twig-tea is my guide through this endeavour and when she told me about this one she also said that it was left out of a lot of rec lists at the time for a couple of reasons.

I'm gonna try to not spoil anything but I really don't understand. I loved the editing in this and how they used everything around the couple to mirror them and work for the love story. Everything serves a purpose here and it's all very deliberate. Sure it's a bit older (lol) and maybe some people are turned off by superficial factors but I really liked it and I loved the progression of these two idiots obviously in love.

Silhouette of Your Voice

I adored this one. Think Last Twilight but Japanese and they didn't screw up anything. One of them is losing his hearing and the other is just a sunshine that will work for his lunch. They are precious. And I think this one might qualify as bl. A warning to anyone who might see this: If you have sensitive ears, do not watch this with headphones. Because at times the sound we hear is the sound Kohei hears and it's not pleasant.

Twilight's Kiss aka Suk Suk

I love when I get to watch love stories between older people. It's just a great reminder that there's life as long as you're living. And life doesn't end at 30, or 40, or 50 or whatever it is that you've been been told to believe. Also queer older people is even rarer so when I found this one I had to watch it. I loved it so much. There's so many great moments, I love the tenderness of the mains, and the conversations around the gay retirement home and the music, I loved the music so much.

Another caveat (because obviously I have issues and need to explain myself a lot). I love my rose-tinted glasses but at heart, I live for the sad stories.

In Between Seasons

I cried so good during this one. It's a story about waiting and about using time to accept, and forgive and heal. It's about family and coming together. And it's beautiful. But it's no bl and it's sad, so fair warning.

That's all I got for now. If I remember more I'll share. I might need to start posting more about films I watch if for no other reason that I would have gifs to use on my own posts. 💜

#thanks so much for this ask #i took me a while to answer #but I made it #Rose's Day of Asks #has become #Rose's Day of Answers

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yorshie · 4 months

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YOU! *waddles into your inbox and t posts threateningly* I've got a bone to pick with you.

*starts pacing as I proceed to rant* There's a small theme that y'all keep low-key mentioning that I wanted to pick your brain (affectionately) about if that's alright with you.

And that theme is the importance of being soft in special regards to the turtle boys.

I wanted to ask why you think that's important to them? Why is being “soft” considered important? What does it even mean to be soft?

As a lady myself, I've personally always struggled with appreciating and accepting the so called soft parts of myself because I live in a very…intense family where I feel like I have to fight for my voice to be heard. And softness while it isn't necessarily considered a weakness in my home, it isn't exactly a celebrated strength either.

I personally struggle with that because I feel like we need more tenderness in this world. In fact, I will fight hand tooth and nail to defend and encourage the right of others to be soft (especially men) but I feel like that's privilege I can't indulge in because then I would not be taken seriously as an individual and therefore make my argument or statements noid.

So when I read your works about “soft and sweetness being desired” it literally had me stop and think because it was just so surprising me. Like “People want this? People appreciate this?” I was just so intrigued about this line of thought, that I'd very much like to hear your insights in this regard if your up for a physcological anon conversation.

If not, no worries, just know that your work makes me stop and reconsider and I'm very grateful for that! 🧡🙏🏼

Ok. Ok. I'm gonna preemptively tag @desceros and @luckycharms1701 cuz I feel like this ask is aimed at more than just me, but if you guys wanna add your two cents feel free please. Also, I'm gonna stick this underneath a read more tag just cuz it's gonna get long, I can already tell.

first off, I want to say I'm sorry you feel like you wouldn't be taken seriously as a person or judged for being soft. I hope that you can reach a point (if you wish) where you are more comfortable expressing yourself. I agree that we need more tenderness in the world, regardless of the gender of the person expressing it.

Ok, now to delve into "softness" and the turtles especially. I guess I'll start this off by saying a lot of the times when I go on about "soft turtles" or "being soft for them" I don't mean literally. But I do think as humans we are in general soft compared to them. Our skin is softer, we have no shell, no scales, we're a lot more breakable compared to them. We probably feel like little hairy marshmallows to the turtles.

Metaphorically however, is a lot of what I play with when mentioning softness. (Desceros said it perfectly as a metaphor for comfort). But these turtles have had to shun a lot of social interaction. They don't have anyone to really open up to, be that in a platonic fashion or a romantic fashion, and so I personally project a lot of what i desire for them onto them. I want them to have that tenderness, I want them to be able to have someone they can let their guard down around, and so that's why I fixate so much on using my writing to give them that opportunity. They don't get a lot of someone just being nice to them to be nice to them.

It's probably my own love language of being tender to show affection bleeding through as well, but whenever you see my flailing about soft turtles, this is what I mean. I'm just talking about them finally getting to express affection and have it returned, not actually craving something literally "soft". And... well... softness itself is a nice feeling. If you have a really soft blanket, do you like it cuz it's soft? or cuz its comfortable and warm? Kinda just tangles back on itself over and over.

So if I wrote the line about “Raph pressed his beak against your temple, and with a soft sigh you tilted your head upwards to chase the sensation” that’s. So soft. But beyond just being physically soft and tender, there’s the emotional release of leaning against someone (metaphorically or physically) and having them lean back. Having them turn into the comfort. Accepting it.

Yea. That’s what goes through my head. That’s why I’m so obsessed with writing the turtles giving affection and having it received full heartedly. They lead ugly, silent lives. They need a little bit of affection.

#ask away!#long #turtle talk 🐢

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writtenbymisunderstoodnerds · 1 year

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It's time they knew (Tobin Heath x Reader)

Based on this request. I'm sorry for how long this has taken me to finish, but I hope you like it!

I'm slowly working my way through my requests. Things might take a little while now that I'm studying for the next couple of months and it's getting closer to winter which is the busy season at work. Please bear with me!

Words: 1.6k

Tobin and I were kicking the ball around as I told her about my plans to reveal my identity. I was predominately a soccer player, but I was also a singer. No one knew who I was, no one knew I was the person behind anónima. We did songs ranging from pop to country, millions of people followed us, came to our concerts and bought our music, but no one knew who I was, who my band was. It had started as a way to put my music out there without drawing attention because I had massive stage fright. However, I was starting to entertain the idea of revealing who I was.

"Are you sure about this baby? It's going to bring a lot of attention."

"I think so, I mean I already get attention and I'll get even more once I start with the team and when we go public. It feels like it's time, but I'll decide for sure tomorrow."

"Whatever you decide, I'll support you 100%. Can I bring the team? I know you're starting with us next week, but I would love for them to finally meet you as my girlfriend. If you decided to reveal yourself that it. Also they love you."

"Of course you can Toby. I would love to finally meet the team properly." Due to mostly playing internationally and only recently deciding to return to the US, I hadn't been called up until now. Not that I really minded too much, I was only 26, there would be the opportunity for plenty more camps in my career. It did mean I hadn't really met any of the national team. I guess it would be good to meet them before camp.

My concerts had always worked on a trust sort of system. I didn't wear a mask or anything. The stage was dark, only just light enough that my band could see, but no one could see them. I stood at the back, away from the light. All it would take was a torch or light source to reveal our identities. Over the years I had gotten more comfortable on a stage and with my fans. Moving around and interacting with them more. I still hadn't decided if I was going to reveal myself, but the stage crew knew that if I moved to a certain point on the stage then they would turn the lights on. Of course I had also discussed it with my band since they weren't known either. They had left it up to me to decide which made it even harder.

As I sung the first couple of songs, I watched the crowd dance and sing along. Seeing the happiness on peoples faces and knowing it was because of us was my favourite part of concerts. I found myself wishing I could join in dancing around and interacting with them more, instead of trying to stay in an area they wouldn't see me.

Once the song ended, I spoke up, "Let's talk for a minute. I wanted to thank each and everyone of you for coming out and supporting us even though you have no idea who we are. None of this would have happened without you guys. So, as a way of thanking you, here's a new song I've been working on."

I always thought I'd be a rambling girl Living in the moment, never making plans Finding love was just a dream I was having Written in the movies, never thought it would happen

I try to fill my loneliness with whiskey And empty nights with different girls that never missed me Funny how when you least expect it Everything can change

Baby, it's you I've been looking for I knew right from the second you came walking through that door It feels so right when you're in my arms Darling, it's you I've been looking for

During the brief instrumental, I took a deep breath, moving forward on the stage. As I started singing the next line the stage lit up, cheers and screams louder than I had ever heard filled the stadium.

You know I love it when your hair's a mess The way you shine when you wear that dress Girl, I don't think that you understand You make me a better person

Baby, it's you I've been looking for I knew right from the second you came walking through that door It feels so right when you're in my arms Darling, it's you I've been looking for

Just like blue on the sea Our love won't fade, it's evergreen Girl, the best part of me Is you

My attention was solely on Tobin as I sung the last verse. None of this would be happening if it wasn't for her. My first concert would never have happened without her encouragement and support. The many nights spent with her sitting quietly beside me as I wrote new songs because she knew it helped calm my mind enough to let my ideas flow. She had been by my side through it all, without hesitation or judgement.

Baby, it's you I've been looking for I knew right from the second you came walking through that door It feels so right when you're in my arms Darling, it's you I've been looking for I sat down on the edge of the stage, taking a moment to compose myself as the cheering started to die down. "Surprise! That happened. Honestly, I was kind of torn about doing this. The secrecy behind it makes it fun, it keeps things interesting, but I also wanted to do something to thank you for the unwavering support I receive. Enough of my droning on though, I think it's time to introduce myself. I'm Y/n, behind me I have my amazing band. Guys, give a wave with your name so they know who you are. We've got Jason, Mason, yes they're twins, last but not least we have Abby. Thank you for coming to our show. Stick around because we're just getting started."

---

The show had ended a little while ago. The band and I had finished our post show debrief and showers. They had gone to pack up their gear while I waited for Tobin. She was going to wait for the crowd to calm down before making her way out the back with the team. I had played with or met a few of them through club matches in the limited time I played in the states, but a lot of my professional career was international.

Before my nerves could grow any further, voices from down the hall caught my attention, "Tobin what's going on? I don't think we're allowed back here."

"Just wait and see."

I laughed to myself at the irritation lacing Tobin's voice before the nerves started rising again. I could sing in front of thousands of people without worrying, but I was terrified to meet them. They were important to her, they were going to be my team soon and I wanted to make a good impression. I took a deep breath, before putting on a smile as the numerous girls walked through the door, most of them freezing when they saw me.

Tobin wrapped her arms around me, placing a kiss on my lower neck, "You did amazing, I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you my love."

"Wha-" One of the girls started but cut herself off. I chuckled quietly, pulling away from Tobin.

Christen hugged me quickly. With her being Tobin's bestfriend, I had met her pretty early on in our relationship. We got along great, but she also didn't know about my singing career, "Well this is a surprise."

"Yeeah, sorry I didn't tell you soon-"

"You don't need to apologise Y/n. I get it."

I was reminded of the people behind me when the sound of slapping started. Many of the girls still looked stunned, while a few of them were hitting each other and pointing at me. It was actually quite entertaining, but I decided to speak up and put them out of their misery, "Hey, I'm Y/n."

"Don't just stand there, introduce yourselves." Tobin spoke up making some of the girls snap out of it and introduce themselves one at a time. Then they launched into multiple different questions, "Slow down, you'll be seeing Y/n often. You don't have to ask a million questions right now."

"Wait what? How? Why?'

"Y/n is my girlfriend and she's the newest addition to the team as of next week."

"She is?" Emily asked still looking like a deer in headlights, "You're a soccer player?"

"Yes."

"You've known who she is and you didn't tell us? We talk about her all the time."

Tobin shrugged, arm wrapping around my waist, "It wasn't my place to tell you who she was. I know you love her music, but just remember Y/n will be your teammate and friend, don't just treat her like the singer you love."

"We will, it's great to meet you Y/n. Although I think we've played against each other a couple of times."

"You too Ali. I'm pretty sure we have, quite a few years ago now."

We talked for a while. The girls getting all the questions they had about me as a singer before moving on to questions about Tobin and I, my soccer career and anything else they could think of. I was a bit surprised how fast they went from being amazed at meeting me to just treating me like someone on the team. Honestly, it was a relief. I had been worried about how they would react and treat me if they knew who I was. I guess that was another thing I should be thanking Tobin for. The band had come and talked with us for a while before we all parted ways. There was only so much social interaction I could handle. With the show and meeting the team, I was exhausted.

I crawled into bed as soon as we got back to our apartment while Tobin went to shower. Arms wrapped around me from behind as I was on the verge of sleep. "I'd say that went pretty well."

All I could do was mumble out a 'it did' before pulling Tobin closer. I could feel Tobin laughing as she placed a kiss on my cheek, "I love you baby."

#uswnt imagines #uswnt imagine #uswnt x reader #tobin heath x reader #tobin heath imagine #tobin heath

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jgroffdaily · 18 days

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How does it feel to be nominated alongside Daniel and Lindsay after doing Merrily together for nearly two years?

I'd known Lindsay forever; I didn't know Dan. I knew his work, but I didn't really know him personally. And I remember feeling, the first day when we walked into rehearsal, that so much has come for free, like when you go on a good date and the conversation is flowing.

It's really emotional because now, we're actually friends in a deep way. We've seen each other go through so many different things. We were at Lindsay's wedding; Lindsay's pregnant; Dan had a baby with his girlfriend — all in the last two years.

So much life has happened. We've lived the experience of doing the show both personally and as characters. There's so much real feeling that now I don't know where one of us begins and the other one ends. It's such a symbiotic relationship at this point, and to be here celebrating a show like this is phenomenal.

Did you have a connection to Merrily before joining this production?

[Actor] Gideon Glick, who I did Spring Awakening with, texted us all on the Spring Awakening chain years ago and said, "Oh my god, you guys have to see this Merrily documentary. It's us. It's reminding me so much of us."

In 2021, in November, we did a 15-year anniversary reunion concert of Spring Awakening. I invited [production company] Radical Media to come and record the concert and do a documentary that was, in large part, inspired by that Merrily documentary because I wanted to capture us from 15 years before and us now.

A couple months later, I got asked to be a part of this production. I watched Maria's British production of Merrily on YouTube, which is still there. When the character of Frank [...] said, "I've only made one mistake in my life. I made it over and over and over again, and that was saying yes when I meant no," that was the moment where I was like, "I have to play this part." I feel that so deeply.

Is there anything you wish Sondheim could know about this production?

I feel him talking to us every night. A gift that he left our whole community is his work. Between Off-Broadway and Broadway, we've done Merrily over 300 times. As a performer, that's really kicking the tires of the material if you still feel, over 300 performances in, like there's still so much more to learn. In his work, in his music, in his lyrics, honestly, last night — I'm feeling new things that I've never felt before.

Great art, when you get the chance as an actor to perform it, changes you from the inside out. I feel like I'm learning every day. It's like free therapy to do his work because it's so poetic and so thoughtful and so emotional.

What was your first experience with Sondheim's work?

[My] Sondheim gateway was a VHS from Suncoast Video at the Park City Mall of Into the Woods when I was in seventh or eighth grade. I brought it home. I was like, "What is this? I love musicals. I love fairy tales."

I watched it in one sitting and then I rewound it and then watched it all a second time.

What did theatre mean to you when you were younger?

Getting the chance to do theatre in [middle] school was life-changing for me. Same thing in high school.

[I had] the opportunity of being on a stage and getting to express myself as a teenager, and then going to see theatre and [discovering] that's it's so easy to understand the medium because you can perform it at school and then also see it. It's the actor's medium — you see people out there doing it live, and there's a real communion with the audience.

Being closeted when I was in high school — as I look back now, I didn't realize it then, but theatre was where I went to express myself, express joy, express sadness, express love, express myself physically, just even the act of singing. When I look back now, I realized that theatre, as a teenager, completely saved my life.

Do you have a favorite memory associated with the Tony Awards? The annual broadcast is many people's introduction to Broadway.

Oh my God, so many. I would record the Tonys on a VHS, and then I would bring them into school and show them to my fellow students in math class.

I taught a unit on the Tony Awards at York Little Theatre summer camp in 2004 with a bunch of 10-year-olds. It was the year of Wicked and Avenue Q and The Boy From Oz and Caroline, or Change. They all held a vote on who they thought should win Best Actress.

Probably the Tony performance I've watched the most is Sutton Foster doing "Forget About the Boy" [from the musical Thoroughly Modern Millie in 2002]. I was in high school. I saw the show six times. The heat coming off her as [...] she's playing this character of moving to New York and wanting to make her dreams come true — I was just lit on fire by her and that performance.

#jonathan groff #daniel radcliffe #lindsay mendez #merrily we roll along #merrily promo #tony awards #tony awards 2024 #Gideon Glick #spring awakening #sutton foster

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self-indulgent-paw-patrol · 2 months

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If you could rewrite the paw patrol movie and give more characters screen time and make it as in where Chase doesn't fully get over his fears how would you all do it

Despite being a great movie YOU GET IT, YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH THAT MOVIE, THANKS FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY, I love writing stuff so I just hope it'll be to your liking too XD

Under the cut for more than obvious reasons- very VEEEERY LONG post ahead. Don't say I didn't warn you. Let's GO.

There's not many things I'd change by the beginning of the movie to be honest. Even the short talk Ryder had with Chase to convince him to go with them to Adventure City was okay enough for me. Plus it shows just how much Chase puts his trust in Ryder, above his fears and trauma, which is a VERY IMPORTANT POINT later down the road. Also, we did get to see Chase was uncomfortable upon arrival, which is important as well. Slowly, it gave way to curiosity and wonder, thanks to seeing their new headquarters. I would ignore my fears too if it meant I'd get to go into such a cool place and be allowed to call it my home far from home.

The things I would possibly change... Maybe Mayor Humdinger. There was something REALLY OFF about him in this movie. I mean, it's not THAT MUCH DIFFERENT from the show, but I feel he went a bit crazier than usual on his ideas. I can't put my finger on it... He seemed more like a bad guy for the sake of being evil, and not like someone who came from a sad town and just wishes for recognition and praise.

Now there are four main points about the pups I'd probably have worked a bit differently: Chase, Marshall, Zuma and Skye.

First, let's go about Chase.

I agree his panic attacks were greatly addressed and handled. There was no exaggeration, there was no "let's make it seem way bigger/impressive than it is" kind of thing. Some shows or movies, when going about a character panicking, like to make it look SO DEEP, with so many thoughts crossing their mind, and so many scenarios, and things looking more threatening or bigger and-- most times it's nowhere near like that at all. That would be more like an anxiety attack, actually. For panic attacks, there's nearly no thoughts at all, we don't process what's happening. It can be a little different for everyone, given we're all not the same people, but I can say by personal experience, when I had panic attacks, I literally BLANKED. All I can remember is my body tensing so hard I was unable to move, so I just cowered in my chair, my eyes were darting everywhere totally unable to focus and both my head and my chest felt like they could explode any second. I stayed like that until I could hear my father talking to me and taking me away from the place where I was, taking me back home to my bed. That was almost exactly how they made it in the movie: Chase tensed, froze, was unable to act, and then he cowered away, closing his eyes and hyperventilating until he heard Skye talking to him and then she took him away from that place.

As for his trauma, though... At the beginning, yes. It was nicely addressed too. From all we've seen in the show, Chase tends to literally blindly follow through with Ryder's orders, no matter what. That pup has in Ryder not only a leader, but also a best friend he would go through hell and beyond for. He would do ANYTHING for Ryder. And so, he puts his trust in Ryder once more and accepts the fate of being taken with them to Adventure City, despite his own wish of not setting a paw in that place ever again in his life. Because he trusts Ryder more than himself. And when he felt his trust was broken, Chase was devastated. We know that was not the case - while Chase felt like Ryder was benching him because he was unable to act (for being scared/a failure), Ryder was actually benching him because he was worried about Chase's mental health. He KNEW Chase was panicking badly, what Chase had to go through in that very city was traumatic, and Ryder KNEW all that. But Chase thought Ryder didn't trust him, so he ran away.

Everything handled pretty okay up to this point. And then, there's the one thing I'd change about Chase in this movie:

Later down the road, they (probably unintentionally/mostly due to the movie timing) made it look like Chase was able to just overcome his trauma with that city with just some small talks- I'm not saying those talks were NOT important, ON THE CONTRARY, they were VERY WELL DONE AS WELL. The issue is just the simple fact that these kinda things don't go away SO FAST. Of course, we needed him to be able to literally jump into action because the movie needed to end XD But still... He didn't need to do that ALONE either.

What I would change is literally THAT. Chase didn't need to go rescue Ryder ALONE, especially when he KNEW he could end up freezing in panic. He's still in Adventure City, he's still pretty much EVEN MORE TRAUMATIZED. He wanted to prove a point, fine. He wanted to prove that he is able, to prove that he is a hero like everyone believes him to be. He wanted to prove he CAN BE TRUSTED. But he didn't need to do the rescue ALONE to prove that.

Personally, I think the scene when Chase rescues Ryder could/would have gone differently if the other pups would have joined him - for example, we probably wouldn't have that dramatic leap of faith, sure. That works when the character is alone or carrying someone else. Not in a group. But can you imagine if Chase's first thing was to contact the other pups to let them know the tower collapsed with Ryder still inside it? They all would go there and they would work TOGETHER as the team they are, to reach for Ryder, rescue him and successfully bring him back down to ground level, safe and sound. And they would all support Chase as they do so. Chase doesn't need to deal with his trauma alone, he doesn't need to fight his fears alone. He's got his team, his friends, his family with him. In my opinion, they should have worked together to rescue Ryder and the impact of the "you don't need to deal with your fears alone" message would be more special than "overcome your fears on your own".

Now, about Marshall.

I actually liked the fact Marshall was the one taking over whenever Chase was unable to act for one reason or another. It literally makes sense, not because they're close friends/best friends or whatever, it's literally because of their jobs. Cops, firefighters and paramedics (I know he's an EMT, shush, let me generalize the thing here) are the jobs among all the pups' jobs that ARE to deal with crowds, to deal with people more directly during rescues. They're the ones to talk to people, they're the ones to give instructions, ANYWHERE, anytime. They are the authorities there. So, whenever Chase is unavailable, Marshall is the logic choice to take over and I'm glad they did so.

What I would change, would be two small things: I'd give him some time WITH CHASE, and our old fandom beloved main complaint, I'd let his clumsiness show more.

Marshall should have had a talk with Chase at some point- any point at all. The show portrayed these two as best friends in the beginning, they always did things together, be it for work or for play time. Marshall should have been there for Chase too, and I'd do that after that first incident when Marshall had to go put out the fires and make sure Chase wouldn't get burned while he was lowered back to ground level. Y'know when Chase was unable to sleep and went to the main room to look out to the city in the middle of the night? That could have been a good moment for that, maybe right after the song played.

As for Marshall's clumsiness, I don't have much to say. It was badly portrayed, as in he was clumsy in a way that it wasn't HIS clumsy way- any of the other pups could have been put in his place and be just as clumsy. I'd give him at least two scenes where he would "be himself" in a way we'd be like "YEP, that's our Marshall!" I don't have specific ideas right now but I could think of some, given some time.

Surprisingly, I wouldn't change much about Zuma.

When I saw complaints about his lack of screentime in the movie, I honestly thought it would be worse. Like my father commented on my post with his reactions to the movie, to take Zuma - a pup specialized in WATER RESCUES - to a big city, it's SO NOT his "natural habitat". Zuma is literally a fish out of water there. I wasn't expecting him to have any water-related rescue AT ALL, maybe he'd just do a regular ground rescue. To have him go in the sewer/river canal to rescue that car was legit a pleasing surprise for me.

But then, why is he in this post, Lary?

Simple: All of Zuma's moments of "important" screentime in this movie only happened because Liberty was there with him. I feel like he was the one riding on her for screentime, rather than the other way around, which is kinda disturbing as he IS one of the main six and she's a literal newbie there.

Pulling her little cart;

Later when they were being deployed, Liberty was there watching as they all launched and was the most excited to see Zuma's hovercraft being deployed (ngl I'd be as excited as her, seeing a hovercraft up close like that IS AN EXPERIENCE);

And then, they worked together to rescue the family from the car which fell in the water. This last one is important: Zuma wouldn't have been as successful with this rescue if he didn't have someone else to sail his raft down the stream following his sub. And who was it? Liberty. Even with the convenience, they paired those two so both could have screentime at all.

So I'd find another way to give Zuma screentime without relying it on pairing him with Liberty at least once. I'd probably make it happen for the group rescue on Ryder. He could have some moment there, as well as all the others.

And last but not least, there's something about Skye that bothered me a bit.

It's not about her character or anything like that- she was alright for the entire movie, really. The one thing that bothered me wasn't her, but something that happened WITH/BECAUSE OF her. Namely, the clouds dispersing instantly after she dive-bombed the shit out of that cloud-sucker machine.

I'm sorry but they spent the whole movie building up the tension of that machine getting too stuffed with clouds, the density going nuts, and then the machine releases the clouds creating a huge storm... Only for all of them to magically DISAPPEAR once the machine is no more? They were already OUTSIDE of the machine. Maybe the storm itself would stop, nice, but that thing was literally a high pressure pan ready to explode and Skye did just that. She exploded the high pressure pan. It should've released ALL THE CLOUDS, maybe the air displacement would PUSH THEM all over and beyond the city, and only then the winds would take them away, but that wouldn't happen instantly. For fucks sake Skye literally exploded a ticking high pressure bomb LMAO let it have SOME effects! Give us some sky spectacle of clouds going all over, being pushed away and only then slowly opening up the sky once more.

So, yeah, these are the things I'd change in the first Paw Patrol movie. Nothing too drastic really, just small but important details, the only BIG change would be how Chase got to deal with his trauma in the end.

Whether he and/or Ryder like it or not, that city will ALWAYS bring Chase the memories of the worst times of his life - being abandoned as a baby, all alone, later also the memories of his panic attacks and the memories of the panic he must've felt once he saw the tower collapsing knowing Ryder was still in there - even if it ALSO brings now the memories of the best thing that ever happened to him: Being found and rescued by Ryder. We could've added now the good memory of Chase finding out he's not alone with his fears, finding out he doesn't have to suffer alone, finding out his family will always back him up no matter what, just like Ryder said, that's why they're a team, to support and back each others up in their times of need.

I swear it took me A WHOLE DAY typing this (in between teaching classes). You guys love to make me work my brain out, huh? Hope you'll like it, these are my points of view in this whole thing, my PERSONAL ideas. If you have different ideas, NICE! If you agree with mine, NICE TOO! Everyone thinks differently and let's go XD I need some food now, need to go make my dinner after teaching this night's class, see ya XD

#Make me write a whole book on it why won't you LMFAOOOOO #ONCE I START TYPING THERE'S NO STOPPING OMG #Paw Patrol #Paw Patrol The Movie #Chase #Marshall #Zuma #Skye #Paw Patrol Chase #Paw Patrol Marshall #Paw Patrol Zuma #Paw Patrol Skye

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ask--eggman · 2 months

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if it isnt too sensitive a topic, would you be willing to talk about your grandfather? were studdying his work in my collage course and id like to know more about what role he played in your life

Hrmm. Well... I suppose I can appreciate the interest and how you've come to me as the best source, instead of haughty old historians that have written some silly books you might've read, who may dare claim they know as much about my grandfather as I do or feel they have anything interesting or valuable to say!

Now that the thought of all of you on that course learning about him through such ridiculous means is getting me all riled up, I feel like I can't NOT say anything now.

I never met him, I was born a little too late for that. It wouldn't have been possible as he spent most of his final years stationed in a top secret research center in space and they weren't letting just anyone up there without a good reason. MY reason obviously should've been a good one and if they wouldn't have thought so, they'd be wrong!

If only I could've been the one on the ARK with the honor of learning directly from the man himself, instead of that other member of the family who took it for granted because as far as I know, she didn't even want to be a scientist, so she was around all that knowledge and opportunity and never even took advantage. Ugh.

Anyway. For as long as I can remember, he was a part of my life, through the words of others. Being the greatest scientist of his time and therefore the most important and notable member of the family at the time, naturally he was going to be the common subject!

Especially being that I was lucky enough to be born as the son of his son. That's something I was proud of from the moment I learned, as early as I became an actual sentient being with thought. Which was earlier than the development of your average child of inferior intelligence, by the way!

So of course, I was immediately fascinated. His long, impressive, successful career as a scientist, making many groundbreaking advancements in the world of science and always striving to accomplish more immediately became one of my greatest fixations.

My father's past and business was such a bore in comparison, even if it did end up becoming useful to me later as a source of income for me to get myself off the ground and pursue better, far more interesting and valuable things. Anyway, let's not get too off topic here.

Naturally, I wanted to learn more about my grandfather in any way I could, through reading about as many of his recorded ventures and accomplishments that were made available to the public and that I could access.

A lot of it was from the news and much older books than later published garbage out there today. I was very precise and careful with my sources, only getting them from those who got their information directly, observed his work themselves and the most important and valuable of all, the things that were published by himself!

This was only as much of what was revealed to the public about his work, mostly pre-the-ARK-type-stuff because they obviously weren't sharing any of the top secret operations going on up there to the outside world. I didn't get any more access to it than anyone else, though I certainly would've deserved it.

I also had a more personal look into him with a couple of photos, though not as many as I wish. Most were from being a parent to my father and uncle but the rare few outside those fascinated me most. He had also written letters to my father, though they were quite a bit older because contact was very rare.

They didn't tell me as much about what he was getting up to on the work side of things but I was interested in learning about the person he was too. I'd perk up whenever I did find him mentioning or at least alluding to things he was working on. Or the rarest but most valuable parts of him documenting a day or two of life!

It wasn't that long until I learned of his passing. I didn't know the details, nobody told me and now I understand that it's because they didn't really know themselves, obviously, but I just assumed it to be because of old age at the time. I was disappointed that it sealed the fact that it was absolutely impossible for me to ever meet him.

Anyway, then I got access to some of his lecture tapes! I'd try to put myself there and imagine that I was his student as I watched. It really did feel like learning directly from him, the closest I could get to the real thing. It was very informative in a few areas I was interested in and very inspiring. I still hold a lot of valuable knowledge from them today.

There was nobody else in this family I felt connected to the same way. He was my hero for being a man who was passionate and devoted to science and made a name for himself by leading an impressive successful life, making an impact and being praised for his brilliance worldwide. I wanted the same! To be recognized and hailed for my own intelligence and potential I already started to recognize in myself at a young age.

He helped me realize my passion and who I wanted to be, I knew I needed to be a brilliant scientist too! If he could do it and become so famous and renowned, so could I! Finally, people would focus on and talk about me in the way they really should, remember my name and hail me for my genius and skill as I deserve! He gave me the hope and the desire to work hard and achieve my goals.

And so I started setting my own goals and trying to create my own things. I wanted to be a great scientist just like him but of course I had to eventually stray from the trail of his footprints and take my own path, to prove my independent genius and potential. It allowed my intelligence, knowledge, and experience to continue to expand. And look where I am today, now I'm the greatest scientific genius of all time!

But decades later we would cross paths again when I recovered his diary. I was thrilled to get my hands on something so precious and valuable and finally learn from him on truly the deepest most personal level, where I'd learn about the research facility and a top secret project he was working on and decided to get some use out of it!

That didn't quite go as planned in the end and I ended up finding out things I wish I hadn't as he'd planned to destroy the world, including his own grandson... To find out after all those years that the very person you held such deep admiration and idolization for was almost the one who caused your destruction... I don't want to talk about this any more.

Well, there you go. Some information from someone much more knowledgeable and actually equipped to speak on the matter.

#ask #doctor eggman #roleplay ask blog #sonic the hedgehog #doctor robotnik #rp #sonic #ask blog #dr robotnik #sth #sth fanart #sonic series #Dr Eggman #Dr robotnik #roleplay #doctor Eggman #professor gerald robotnik #robotnik family #past

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utilitycaster · 2 years

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Hi! I'm sorry if you've already talked about this, but I was wondering what your thoughts were on Caleb's becoming a professor at the Soltryce Academy? As compared to what some fans thought he would do (going rogue and taking down Cerberus Assembly)

Hi anon,

I don't know if I've talked about this, and I don't think I have at length if I did, so I'd like to thank you for asking me and providing the opportunity for the rant below. If you were simply looking for a brief answer that is only about Caleb, then I do have to ask whether you are familiar with this blog and my whole deal. But also the brief answer is "I think it's beautiful that Caleb carves out a place for himself that harkens back to his childhood dreams, in a world he once thought he would have to remake entirely in order to ever feel at home. The idea that this is somehow a failure, and that the secret good ending is him turning into Batman or perhaps a moderately sympathetic Agatha Christie villain seems unfathomable if you are not stupid and lack all media literacy. Unfortunately being an idiot with no media literacy is somewhat in vogue these days. In this essay I will - "

(and here's the essay)

The ending of Campaign Two felt horribly abrupt when announced: I was among the people who thought so, and who thought so loudly. Yet it finished, after a marathon session, with an ending that, at every turn, showed how profoundly the cast cared about and understood the arcs of the characters they had built and the story that they had told. They truly did, as the advice Brennan repeated recently goes, surprise us with the inevitable. I would not change a thing.

Caleb Widogast, like any good character, was more than the sum of his parts. Yes, he was a sensitive portrayal of a character who had undergone traumatic child abuse and who still was dealing with the aftermath. Yes, he was an equally sensitive portrayal of someone who is primarily speaking in one's second language. Yes, he was a wizard, which rules, and bisexual, which also rules, and he had a magic cat and a great sense of humor. But most of all Caleb was the realization of a coherent goal that was deeply tied into the setting not just of D&D 5e but of Exandria, of Wildemount, of Zemni Fields, and of the Soltryce Academy.

He was once a young man who dreamed of something better and who had a gift for the arcane, and he managed, so he thought, to find a way to rise above his humble origins. His dream was to become a teacher. Trent had other plans, you know the rest, and he woke up in his late 20s, a fugitive, with the magic powers he'd had in his mid-teens, and a life he felt he had nigh irrevocably destroyed. For a time, he lived mostly not because he wished to be alive, but because he felt his death would not serve his goal: his moonshot, to undo the mess he'd made of his past. Along the way, he met a goblin, and then he met a few people more. He started to laugh again, and to become more powerful, and encounter new ideas, and fall in love, and inch by inch, begin to heal - all without yet undoing his parents' death. He made arcane breakthroughs that had nothing to do with altering time and all to do with helping his closest friend. He tentatively found that there were other wizards he could trust, and learn from, and perhaps even care for.

And also, along that path, he learned there were others who pursued secrets about time, and possibility; there were wizards he could not trust but from whom he might have been able to learn. And he sometimes chose not to do so, because somewhere along the line, the plan changed. I don't think Caleb even realized it had until he was faced with his chance. It is worth noting that Caleb's murderous rampage through Vergesson Sanatorium, and his decision to leave Trent Ikithon alive, were separated by no more than a week.

Caleb did not end the campaign fully healed. That's not how this works; that's not even a meaningful or measurable statement. But he did end the campaign having told himself, inch by inch, that moving forward cannot happen while also moving backward. He let go of so many things, recognized they were not to be, and then he finally stood in a room with Essek with an ancient machine that said "you can do it. You can have what you've wanted for so long." And Caleb had planned this, planned it carefully, no paradoxes for him, just his parents living a quiet life half a world away, and he could have done it. In a way, it would have felt inevitable too. And he hears Essek say "Will you do it? I will help you." And he hears Essek say "But I accept my regrets, my thoughts now, and I'm here today with this knowledge, in this moment with you, because of those mistakes." And he hears himself say "Because you're not my cat. My cat is dead." And he sees himself with Frumpkin around his shoulders like a scarf in the tiny hut in the middle of the tundra. And he hears himself say "Yeah, he's always been one to control narrative. And that is a big part of holding onto power, controlling narrative." And he drags some dust up his arm, and disintegrates everything in the room, and burns what's left.

***

My brother works in a middle school (I promise this is relevant). My brother is also an openly gay man with rainbows plastered prominently on various laptop and backpack surfaces. As one might guess, he's had multiple kids come out to him. I think about this when I think about what Caleb said, about how, when the guard changes, will he and Astrid "mangle more children to feed the fields of Wynandir." And I think about what it means to the Assembly, who we know benefited from Trent's actions, who in some cases were well aware of them, to not only have one of his former victims among their number, but to have one in the very school they used to recruit. What it means that both these people publicly gave testimony. What it means to the Soltryce Academy students that there's a teacher they know will believe them.

Caleb has already struck down what he needed to of the Cerberus Assembly.

It's simple. Sometimes happiness looks like a return. Sometimes happiness looks like a boat heading towards the horizon. Sometimes happiness looks like a place to rest. And I think that it's not out of the question to say that to some, happiness does come after a righteous round of revenge. But does not look like that for Caleb, and what's more, while he took the whole campaign to discover how it might look for him - to even believe that it was a thing he could still perceive and one day have - it never, at any point, did.

#did i go perilously close to You Are Jeff by Richard Siken in one portion of this essay? yes.#did I hold myself back from writing parallel essays about the other 6 long term members of the nein? yes.#critical role #caleb widogast #oh the paragraph about destroying the t-dock: direct references to c2 episodes 141 130 120 110 and 141 again in that order #long post

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ashleywool · 2 months

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"I LOVED THAT SHOW"

I wore my How to Dance in Ohio hoodie to church today. It's Palm Sunday and we did our customary palm procession from Duffy Square into the building, which is nice and all except winter decided to come back and bite my skin off again...so that sweatshirt seemed like the best choice as warm enough for the weather + can fit under my choir robe + won't get swelteringly uncomfortable once we're inside at the service. It did the job. Truly the ultimate transition piece. Get yours today while supplies last.

At fellowship afterwards, someone from the congregation that I didn't know--she's only in NYC part of the year--pointed out my sweatshirt and said "I LOVED THAT SHOW!"

It took her a moment to recognize me (she initially confused me for Madison, which, yeah that happens, I'll never be mad about it), and we had a lovely chat about the show. And what I noticed after walking away was...the subject of autism, or me being autistic, didn't come up at all.

I love and cherish the advocacy aspect of my work on HTDIO. I love and cherish the opportunity it gave me to be the autistic representation I wished I'd had growing up. But I have to say, it was SO nice to have someone, a total stranger, talking about the show and loving the show independent of The Autism Part.

It was wonderful being part of discussions about diverse representation, and I will never turn down opportunities to eagerly participate in those conversations. But I really wanted us to stick around long enough that the "novelty" aspect of "autistic characters played by autistic actors" (or even "canonically nonbinary/genderqueer characters") would wear off sufficiently for more people, so they could focus on the story and the characters and the music and all the other things that make our show great irrespective of the Representation aspect.

I've had a ROUGH few weeks, y'all. Truthfully, I've been going through one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. Aside from the obvious grief factor and logistical stressors, it turns out that post-operative depression is absolutely a thing. While I'd like to think I'm cognitively and emotionally mature enough to handle this level of change, especially considering how lucky I am to have robust support systems in family, friends, and healthcare practitioners, my very autistic nervous system has had a difficult time letting the sympathetic part cooperate with the parasympathetic part. So I've been a ball of tension, exhaustion, and worst of all, that soul-sucking apathy where nothing seems enjoyable or interesting, but maybe it would be if I had the energy to be interested.

It's helped to find a great physical therapy clinic that is giving me comprehensive, multi-pronged care and NOT charging me copays (because apparently my insurance pays them excellently--thank you, Equity-League and Cigna). It's helped that I got back in touch with a therapist I had seen years ago on BetterHelp (she's since left the platform and honestly, GOOD FOR HER). It's helped that I have parents with the means to help me out financially--and, crucially, the means to keep me accountable without resorting to pressure and guilt-tripping. It's helped to still live in a city where financial assistance isn't excruciatingly hard to come by if all else fails (at least compared to other states). It's helped to have agents submitting me for tons of exciting projects, and having several cabarets and readings to look forward to in this time of transition. It's helped to have a really chill, supportive church community keeping me spiritually grounded without buying into the yt American evangelical toxicity. It's helped to have my cats.

But sometimes, what makes me the happiest of all, is hearing "I LOVED THAT SHOW!"

I'll never not be proud to be known for How to Dance in Ohio and everything we stood for. I'm proud that the love was real, and the quality of the material reflected and reverberated that love. I'm proud of the representation aspect, and I'm proud that it wasn't just about that. And people who saw it, saw all of that.

It's so comforting to know that we shared this show with enough people that it's going to continue to matter.

People aren't going to forget.

I love that for us.

By the way, it was too cold to really show it off, but this is the shirt I wore underneath the sweatshirt. :)

#how to dance in ohio #htdio #broadway #musical theatre #spectrum club 7 #htdio musical

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7grandmel · 5 months

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Todays rip: 30/12/2023

The Paragoomba and the Wiggler

Season 7 Featured on: SGFR Presents: RIP²

Ripped by 601billionlazer Performed by vvslogs

youtube

Hey, look - its close to the new year, its past midnight as I'm writing this, and I'm feeling sentimental. I know I could be putting more delicacy into my choices for these last days of the year, but please allow me to be be a bit vulnerable today.

I started making these posts seven months ago. A month later, I made the full commitment into making it a full-on BLOG-blog. That is, a blog to truly let me spill my heart over, beyond just writing one or five sentences per rip, to ensure none of my feelings get left on the drawing board. It was never something I did to catch a wave of fame, or to show off on a resume: top to bottom, this blog began as a distraction from work, and has turned into a full-scale love letter for a project that has helped shape me into the person I am today. Now, with *this* project, I've found motivation and confidence: I've had the opportunity to reignite my passion for writing, satiating my lust for analysis and discussion, and most crucially providing a thank-you to a group of creators that have always felt woefully underappreciated.

What I never really expected, was to have those same wishes returned back to me.

From the ask box, to the messages, to the Rippers' Commentary reblogs, to the discussions held in the SiIvaCord and on Discord DMs themselves, its those heartfelt words, that gratitude and joy, that keeps me driven to continue this blog until I'm all wrung dry. I've long considered myself terrible at maintaining connections, yet with each message I receive it feels as if I've made a new friend, their words of support and love never leaving my mind no matter how much time passes. It still feels like I'm somewhat of a shut-in, yet I've had the ability to talk to so many more incredible people in the back half of this year alone than I have for so much of my life before.

So, with all that sappy shit said - The Paragoomba and the Wiggler goes out to one of those people. It was only a few weeks ago this month that I covered vvsvlogs' prior work on Wham! Into Dreams, and just how much her singing truly resonated with me. As soon as that post was done, I just...felt a need to know, if she'd done any more singing work for the channel, and she was kind enough to point out her contribution to RIP² that I'd somehow completely missed. A rearrangement of an immensely simple but effective Season 1 rip, The Paragooma and the Wiggler is still a mashup of a Super Mario Bros. 3 theme and an Owl City song, yet now with a far more lively, dynamic instrumental thanks to 601billionlazer's arranging, and with vocals wholly redone by vvsvlogs, as mentioned before - and, indeed, just like Wham! Into Dreams, I connected with the rip almost immediately after listening to it. There's of course also new life injected into the non-vocal half of the song through the rearrangement, new sound effects added to punctuate lyrics, an ebb and flow maintained with the instrumentation alternating between the original chiptune sound and a plucky piano. With all that said, its an incredible rip top to bottom, showing just how talented of a singer vvsvlogs is above all else - I daresay the new vocals full-on crush the originals for me.

Yet, there's a reason I wanted to put that big sentimental introduction to this post in particular. Because back when I first discovered Wham! Into Dreams years ago, I may still have been a devoted fan, but I was a wallflower althesame: barely in the SiIvaCord, barely in discussions with anyone other than the occasional YouTube comment. It's only through all of the aforementioned outcomes of running this blog, the people I've met and the messages I've received, that I finally feel truly at home with this community - that I found the courage to reach out, talk to, and send my sincerest thanks directly to these incredible creators, with at least SOMETHING to show for it. vvsvlogs is just one of a dozen or two people I've gotten to talk to through doing this blog, and it never ceases to warm my heart - both finally getting to talk to people who've indirectly pulled me out of dark times through simply doing what they love, and through knowing I've been able to make so many of them smile from the words I'm putting onto this darn page on a daily basis.

Happy new year, SiIvaGunner team. To all of you in the team reading silently without accounts to reply with, I hope you know just how much I love you.

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icey--stars · 1 year

Text

Stories To Be Told: PART 9

Series Index

A shadowsinger, a warrior, an Illyrian, that's what she was. Trained by one of the most formidable female warriors. Escaped the Illyrian camps and her clipping when she was barely sixteen and is now the holder of 6 siphons. What happens when she tries to sneak into the City of Starlight? And starts down a whole new road of chaos?

A/N: the next part will be out MONDAY! and next week, it will be posted every other day instead of every day, just because I need time to catch up on writing this, so ya'll dont have to wait like a week or something lol BUT! requests are open, and i might pop out a few of my own oneshots on the other days <3

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The next day, Azriel wasn’t at training. My cough had gotten worse, but the weird feverish symptoms had mostly gone away. I still felt clouded in the head, but asked Cassian if he wanted me to take over Azriel’s group for the week. He nodded and thanked me, electing to not notice when I coughed into my elbow. Smart decision on his part.

The priestesses were a bit concerned, but none commented on it as I led them through their work for the day.

The rest of the week went about the same. The day before my off day at work though, my boss asked me to fly out and retrieve more boxes that had been dropped.

I didn’t mess up too bad, but I did drag a wing tip under and almost ended up in the harbor. Something did go wrong though. When I landed on the dock, near the edge, a guy, just some random High Fae I'd never seen, came over to me.

“What are you doing here scum?!” He yelled.

I narrowed my eyes, setting down the box. “Sir, what is the issue?”

“The issue is you! Your pathetic kind!” The male said.

A few dock workers glanced over as they walked on and off ships.

“You’re all warmongering idiots! Disrupting the hard earned peace of this realm!”

I took a deep breath. “If you have an issue with how things are being handled regarding Illyria, don’t talk to me. I have no control over anything.”

“Sure you do,” he insisted. “We see you flaunting your steel everywhere! Don’t you realize that the war is over with?! It’s only ever your pathetic asses who can’t seem to accept that!”

Then he stepped forward, shoving me hard toward the water’s edge.

I rebalanced myself, spreading my stance. “Don’t,” I warned.

“See! There you go again! All war and fighting! What, you going to punch me scumbag?” He shoved me again, harder and then kicked in my knee.

I stumbled back. It was embarrassing, losing my balance to something like this, but as I pulled my soaked ass out of the water, I glared down the male.

“Take it up with the High Lord then,” I suggested, angered now as I stepped forward. Water dripped off my brow into my eyes as I blinked. “If you have a problem, sir, with how I’ve been forced to deal with the enemies in my life, then you can start the fight. I’d rip you to shreds.”

“As if, I’m trained too, breeder.”

I lunged forward immediately, grabbing his arm and swinging him around and throwing him straight into the harbor. Then I took flight.

“I am stronger than you’ll ever be. Don’t you dare refer to me in such a way. And don’t force me to draw a weapon.”

“You can’t even hit me unconscious without a weapon?! Weak!” He yelled as he climbed out.

I then took the opportunity to grab him by his tunic and fly at least 50 feet in the air about 200 feet from the docks.

“What was what you were saying asshole?” I growled. “If I drop you, you’ll break bones on the water. If I decide to be nice and let you off, then you’ll live. Choose.”

He seemed a bit more fearful now.

A beat of silence and then I dived down towards the water, skimmed it and then dropped the male, letting him swim back as I landed, still soaked on the docks.

A few claps. “Thank you for dealing with him,” one male said. “Asshole was bugging all of us. He's dead?”

“Out about a 5 minute swim, so no,” I replied. “I almost wish so.”

I went back to my room, once again freezing. My fever came back overnight. And what great timing, I thought with a groan. Azriel was back today.

I wobbled a bit as I landed on the training grounds, walking to Nesta for a bit of protection from Azriel who I saw look at me out of the corner of my eye.

“Wowwww,” Nesta said. “What happened to you?”

“Asshole at the docks,” I said. “Shoved me in the water again.”

“Ah, he get what he deserved?” Gwyn spoke up.

“Not really,” I replied. “But enough of a scare.”

“Good,” she said. “Better than nothing.”

Nesta and Emerie nodded in agreement.

I ignored Azriel. Or tried too. He came over again after training.

“Heard there was a fight at the docks yesterday between an Illyrian and a High Fae, how’d that go?” Azriel chuckled.

“He’s not dead,” I simply said.

“Well I suppose that’s something. How are you feeling?”

“Don’t you dare try this again,” I growled as I met his eyes.

“Alright then,” he backed off. “A male said to give this to you.” He handed me a letter. I eyed it with distrust.

“Which camp?” I asked, not taking it.

“Ironcrest. Just said he knew I could find you. Seems rumor has spread that you're still alive in the camps. Take it,” Azriel said, holding the letter out farther. I took it hesitantly from his hands.

“I’ll be off. Enjoy,” Azriel said, flying off.

I opened the letter.

Dear Sister,

I’ve been waiting to hear the news of where you were. I heard from the male I handed this to about you. Some rumors. I knew you were alive. You were too spiteful for a death in the wilderness.

How have you been? I’ve been promoted to head guard of the camp, and Mother remains in her home. She misses you dearly. She wants you to visit! I told her you’d come in two weeks. Don’t fail me.

Best,

Your Brother, Faxon.

I felt my lip curling in rage. How dare my brother try to contact me? After everything he did to just ignore me in the camps?! And Mother. Merle. Whatever she claimed about me was false. She didn’t miss me. She missed the little girl doing chores. She missed the obedient me. But if I didn’t obey the summons, who knows what might happen. My brother might very well come to visit.

“You alright?” Nesta asked beside me.

I crumbled the letter. “My brother,” I sighed.

“Ah, old family issues. I understand. What does he want?”

“After figuring out I’m alive, he and my mother want me to visit my nightmares. Likely to just be annoying, but I can’t not go.”

“Why not?” Nesta asked. “You don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to.”

“My brother will come to find me. He knows of Velaris, as does everyone else. He gave this to Azriel of all people, so he knows where I am. He could probably work past anyone to get in, claiming to visit a family member.”

Nesta sighed. “Good luck then. Don’t let them control you. Rhys could probably ban him from entering if you wanted, you’d have to speak to him about it though.”

“I’ll just go. A few days will keep them at bay for a month,” I sighed. “Then I’ll figure something out.”

Nests nodded. “Let me know if you need me to help kick any ass.”

I nodded.

“Oh- and use those shadows of yours,” she mentioned. “They’ll intimidate them.”

I nodded, waving her off. The shadows might work. But they also might not.

-----

My sickness, despite my drop in the lake, did get better. I was completely healed by the time I was set to leave for Ironcrest.

“You’re going where?” Cassian breathed. “And why again?”

“Ironcrest, to visit my family,” I stated.

Cassian sighed. “Alright. Stay safe. Kick ass. And don’t get hurt. Keep your head.”

I nodded. “I’ll see you in about a week.”

Then I launched into the sky. I had some funds and extra knives in my bag.

I spent the first day flying. I needed the time to think. And plan for all the likely scenarios to happen with my 'family.'

I landed around sunset, walking in from the forest I still recognized and walked to my childhood house.

I knocked.

The door opened. My mother revealed herself as she gasped and fully opened the door. “Fax!” She screamed for my brother. “Faxon she came!”

There was male rushing down the stairs within moments. My brother didn’t look the same, but he also was similar in certain aspects. Older... burlier, and stronger.

“Y/N,” he breathed.

I leveled him with a glare. “Whatever you think we were, think about the time between. What you are Merle and Faxon to me. I visit you because I need to make that clear.”

Merle’s face fell. She still walked toward me though, grabbing my hand and putting it on her chest. “You’ve grown so big. And your hair! Why is it so short? I loved it long…”

“And strong too,” Faxon commented, looking at my arms. “What have you been doing? And why-“

He noticed my daggers.

“Why do you have daggers on you?”

“If you’re stupid enough to think I wouldn’t have taught myself to fight, you’re dangerously wrong,” I replied. “And I’m not telling you about myself, just so you’re aware. I come here merely to make sure you both understand who I am now.”

I let the shadows come to me then, wreathing around my neck and wings. “I’m much more powerful than anyone realized.”

“Are- is that magic?” My brother breathed. “Are you really a bastard?”

I chuckled. “This isn’t magic Faxon. It’s shadows. Just like the shadowsinger you gave that letter to.”

“You’re a shadowsinger?! How come we didn’t know?” Merle burst out.

“It didn’t develop until after my escape,” I answered. “I am more powerful than even you, Faxon. Wings, siphons, my powers- all of it.”

“You only have the one you stole,” Faxon argued, looking at my neck. His eyes widened at the sight.

I turned my neck up slightly, just to let him see the true siphoned power I possessed.

“6?” Faxon breathed. “How did you get such killing power? I use 2!”

“And how is my daughter a shadowsinger?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. So don’t ask. If you want me all to like you, and maybe come to visit more, you’ve got 4 days before I return to where I’ve been training.”

-----

“Rhys, how did I fuck it up so badly?” Azriel groaned as he sat down in an armchair.

Rhys laughed. “That’s for you to figure out. My best guess is you assumed too much or just gave too much too fast.”

“She was sick! I was trying to help!”

“By ordering a female who’s been on her own rules to bed rest? She’s independent Az. Don’t take that way.”

“I tried gentle advice Rhys. She took almost an entire 2 weeks to get better!” Az complained.

“You forced it too much though,” Rhys said. “If she says no, then it means no.”

“And if she’s endangering herself?”

“Help in subtle ways then,” Rhys replied. “Don’t order bed rest. Send soup with a note. She seems to be polite enough to at least take a gift.”

“Goddamn it, I’m bad at this,” Az groaned.

“Finding it hard to seduce females Az? And to think I thought you had a reputation.”

“Yeah yeah. It’s hard when they don’t want to be seduced, Rhys," Azriel said, looking utterly defeated as he slumped in his chair.

“I’m aware. Feyre threw a shoe at my head the first time I took her to the Night Court. With all that wonderful new strength.”

Az sighed. “I’ll try to be gentler,” he said. “Hopefully when she comes back from this trip she’s apparently on, everything will relax."

"Good luck," Rhys hummed, looking back to his paperwork.

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TAGLIST: just comment to be added! in the future, i'll work on a taglist for all my works, but for now, its just this story

@mis-lil-red, @bunnymallowo, @judig92, @biblophilefox82, @azzydaddy, @thegirlintheshadows101, @whatupmydudes01, @feyres-fireheart, @elizarikaallen, @xenlynn, @panzees-bizarre-adventures

#azriel #azriel x reader #azrielxreader #acotar #acotar fanfiction #acotar fanfic #rhysand #cassian #bat boys #nesta #gwyn acotar #mywriting

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