#I’ve had a cyst for like a year now but every doctor I go to is like 🤷🏽‍♀️ it’ll go away on its own

[darlingfreddie]

It’s so frustrating when doctors don’t take you seriously like I’ve been in and out of pain for a while now and it’s always brushed off as nothing but like hello!!!!! I’m in PAIN!!!!!!!!!

#especially reproductive health like doctors just do not care #I’ve had a cyst for like a year now but every doctor I go to is like 🤷🏽‍♀️ it’ll go away on its own #it’s FRUSTRATING!!!!! #and I’ve been having bad stomach pain for a while that’s just been brushed off too #but like I can’t really eat food the way I used to and doctors still don’t think it’s a problem 🙄

[linos-luna]

Hi there this is my first time requesting but recently I’ve found out that I have a large cyst on my thyroid. I’ve struggled with hypothyroidism for about two years now but this is new and overwhelming to me 😞

I’ve been putting on a lot of weight and losing hair so I just don’t feel beautiful anymore. Not to mention the large cyst is making me have a double chin which girls point out at work and school…

Could you possibly write ot8 skz x fem reader comforting the reader with their health struggles? Im in need of a serious pick me up 🩷

I’m so sorry to hear. My sister has had hypothyroidism since she was a baby so while I haven’t experienced it, I’ve seen how it affects her. I hope you’re alright. Message me if you ever need to chat 🩵

——————————————————— 🩷

Health 🥀

OT8 Skz x Reader

Warnings: angst?, health concerns, insecurity

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Chan

He would be extremely comforting and supportive of helping you get through the day. To him, you’re beautiful and amazing no matter what and it’s his job as your boyfriend to love and take care of you.

“Baby, I have your medication ready.” Chan said while going to you with a pill and water.

“I don’t want it…” you frowned while looking down.

“Don’t want it? But it helps you.”

“It makes me drowsy!” You yelled out. “… and ugly…”

“Ugly??” Chan said while putting the stuff down. “A pill can’t make you ugly.” He teased.

“It made me heavy…”

“That doesn’t mean you’re ugly.” He sighed while rubbing your sides. “You’re as beautiful as ever…”

You shook your head and crossed your arms.

“No? Well it’s too bad you don’t believe that. But I believe it.”

“Y/n…” Chan said with his hand on your cheek. “It’s not forever. It’s just a rough patch. With your treatment it’ll get better. We’ll figure out a health plan so you can take the medication and still feel beautiful okay?”

You only looked at him with a frown.

“Hey, I don’t like seeing my baby sad.” He said with a teasing pout.

You chuckled under your breath and smiled a little while a tear rolled down your cheek.

Minho

He knows how hard it can be for you. He tries not making your issues a big deal in fear of embarrassing you but will still do anything for you.

Today was one of the bad days. You felt awful as you laid in bed.

“Hey, kitten.” Minho said with a smile, coming in the room with tea. “What would you like for breakfast?”

“I’ll go get it…” you mumbled while starting to get up, only for Minho to stop you.

“No no it’s okay.” He said with a soft smile before putting your tea on the nightstand. “I’ll make you breakfast in bed.”

“No…” you groaned. “I can—”

“Y/n, it’s okay.” The said while putting his hand on your shoulder. “I want you to rest.”

You sighed, finally giving up and laying back against the pillows. “Minho… I can’t do this anymore…”

“What do you mean?”

“I hate living like this…” you groaned. “I hate being sick! I hate struggling like this!”

“Kitten, it’s not forever.” He sighed. “You’re actually doing better. I think the medication is working.”

“But I feel so useless! I don’t go out much or even work!”

“You’re sick and recovering.” Minho said while rubbing your cheek. “And im happy to take care of you.”

“But—”

“Like I said, it’s not forever. But if you insist, you can return the favor later in the future okay?”

You nodded before Minho kissed your forehead and hugged you tight.

“I love you, Kitten…”

Changbin

Changbin admires how strong you are. With all you go through, you’re still powering through it and it amazes him. He’s sure to remind you of that every day.

After getting back from the doctor’s office, you found yourself on the bed, lying in silence with tears rolling down your cheeks. Changbin walked in after you and took a seat while rubbing for side.

“Y/n…” he sighed. “Are you okay?”

You only shook your head.

“Baby, it’s okay—”

“No! No it’s not!” You snapped, still not looking at him. “I’m not getting better! The medicine doesn’t work!”

“Well that’s why they prescribed you a new—”

“No! They never work!” You cried, only for Changbin to scoop you in his arms. He felt awful. You were so good at putting on the strong front, but now you’re letting it all out.

“Why are you still here?!” You cried. “You could have someone better… someone healthy and pretty…”

“I’m still here because I love you.” He sighed. “Baby, you’re beautiful. And while you may not be the pinnacle of health, you’re very strong.”

“You’re just saying that…” you mumbled.

“I’d never lie to you.” Changbin said while holding you tight. “You’re very strong. Not everyone can do this and still keep going. You fight every day. And I’m proud of you…”

Hyunjin

Very empathetic. Pisces are known to be extremely empathetic to people’s feelings and this is especially true for you.

Hyunjin hates to see you sad. He wants to do everything he can to cheer you up.

You were in the restroom, crying. Hyunjin came in quickly, worried for whatever made you so distraught.

“Baby what’s wrong?!” He hugged you tight, looking around to make sure that you didn’t hurt yourself.

“I keep gaining weight!” You sobbed into his chest. “I’m not even doing anything!!”

“Baby…” Hyunjin sighed while wiping your tears. “It’s okay. It’s the medication. It’s temporary okay?”

“No! I feel disgusting!!”

“You’re not disgusting. He said with a frown. “Just because you’re a little bigger, doesn’t mean you’re disgusting or ugly.”

“Yes it does!”

“Being skinny doesn’t automatically make you beautiful. You’re beautiful at any size.”

Hyunjin hugs you as you continued crying.

“After this little rough patch, we can do something about it.” He said while rubbing your back. “My love, if it really bothers you, after you finish the treatment, I’ll work with you to feel good again.”

You only buried your face in his chest.

“We’ll set up a plan with a doctor for your desired weight… go to physical therapy… anything and everything you need… just promise me something.”

“W-what…?”

“Don’t starve yourself…” he sighed. “I know you’re doing that. It’ll only make things worse.”

“O-okay…”

“I love you, y/n.” He said, kissing your lips softly.

“I love you too, Jinnie…”

Han

A little frantic and has to remember himself that you’re not made of glass. He gets so protective and is often afraid of what could happen or others would say. He just wants you to feel happy.

You wanted to go grocery shopping but your boyfriend insisted that you stay home and rest.

“Please, stay here.” Han pleaded. “I do it and I won’t be long.”

“Why can’t I go out?!”

“You’re sick! You just came back from treatment.” He replied.

“That was 3 days go!”

“Yeah but… we need to be careful…” he sighed while holding your hands. “I don’t want you to strain yourself…”

“Hannie…” you sighed. “I’m not gonna strain myself…”

“I’m just worried… not just physically but mentally too.” He frowned. “I know how anxious you get.”

“Yeah, you’re right… but—… I just don’t wanna be useless.”

“You’re not useless.”

“I haven’t done anything! Just sit at home!” You snapped.

“Baby…” he sighed while hugging you. “Is that what this about?”

You didn’t answer, only huffing.

“You’re not useless. There’s nothing wrong with me helping you… but—” he paused. “I-I shouldn’t treat you like you’re made of glass…”

You looked up at him, surprised by what he said.

“We’ll go together. I’ll take care of you okay. Please let me take care of you.”

“Okay…” you nodded before he gave you a quick kiss on the lips.

“You’re so cute, you know that?” Han said with a smile. “Cutest person I know.”

Felix

Felix wants to take care of you all the time. Sometimes it’s too much but you know he means well. He will also do anything to cheer you up.

As you watch tv in the living room, your boyfriend Felix comes in holding something.

“Hey I made something for you!” He said happily while holding out what seemed to be a hat.

“You made it??” You replied, impressed at how well put together it looked.

“Yeah I learned how to crochet.” Felix said with a smile. “I wanted to show you too. Then we can make more pretty hats!”

You couldn’t help letting out a small chuckle at his enthusiasm. He knows how insecure you were about your hair falling out. You mentioned in a heated moment that you can’t go out with covering the thinning spot. Well he must’ve taken that literally.

“You wanna teach me to crochet?”

“Yes. It’s a good way to keep you busy.” He nodded. “Then we can spend more time together!”

You smiled at him, finding him so adorable. “Thank you, Lixie.”

Felix kissed your cheek before leaving to get the hooks and yarn.

Seungmin

Seungmin is constantly concerned for you but loves and supports you by taking care of things so you can relax. He’ll be the one to do things like make your appointments and remind you to take medications. He’s a little awkward when it comes to emotional support but he tries his best.

“Alright y/n, we’ll be leaving in 20 minutes. We can go to the appointment and check in early.” Seungmin said while packing up your purse. “Then maybe we can get Starbucks after—… Sweetheart?”

You had been quiet this whole time as he spoke, only sitting on the couch, lost in your thoughts.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Seungmin asked while standing in front of you.

“Nothing…” you mutter under your breath.

“Y/n… don’t lie. What’s wrong?”

“I just… I don’t…” you weren’t sure how to describe your frustrations without crying so you only looked down.

Seungmin rubbed your hair as he had an idea of what was bugging you. “Y/n… it’s okay—…”

“I don’t wanna go!”

“What?”

“I don’t want to go to the appointment!” You frowned.

“Why?”

“I-I don’t— my body hurts and I don’t wanna go outside!” You said as the tears finally started coming down. “I don’t want people looking at me! Th-they— don’t look at me!”

Seungmin sighed as you suddenly hid your face and sobbed. This had been getting worse lately.

“Okay, baby…” he said while taking your hand. “I’ll reschedule… and we don’t have to go out.”

You pause and look at him.

“We’ll spend the day at home.” He smiled and rubbed your cheek. “I’ll order foods and we can watch movies and cuddles. How’s that?”

“R-really?”

“Yes really.” He nodded.

… thank you, seungmin…”

“Anything for you, baby.” He said before kissing your forehead.

Jeongin

He always does is best to cheer you up. Sure he doesn’t understand how you feel exactly, but he doesn’t want you to be down. He’ll buy you food, gifts, and even physical affection (if you want) which is surprising because he’s not the most into physical affection.

You were just exhausted. After a day of doctors appointments and testing, you felt weak as you lay in bed. Your boyfriend was cooking for you in the kitchen but you wanted to see him now.

“Jeongin!” You called out weakly. “Jeongin!”

Your boyfriend came back from the kitchen, a bit concerned. “Yes?”

“I-I… I don’t like being alone…”

“Oh okay.” He replied while rubbing your cheek. “Don’t worry. I’m still here.”

You held out your arms, indicating a hug. You just wanted him to hold you at this moment.

Jeongin was happy to oblige and wrapped his arms around you. He was about to let go but you clung on tight.

But Jeongin didn’t mind. He would lay down with you and hold you for as long as you wanted.

You felt so loved and safe in his arms. No words needed to be exchanged.

#kpop #kpop x reader #fanfic #kpop imagines #stray kids #skz x reader #stray kids x poc reader #stray kids angst #stray kids chan #stray kids Minho #stray kids changbin #stray kids hyunjin #stray kids han #stray kids felix #stray kids seungmin #stray kids in #skz minho #skz chan #skz x poc reader #skz scenarios #skz angst #skz headcanons

[defilerwyrm]

Thank you for posting so authentically and tbh poetically about your transition. I was wondering if you have any gems of wisdom to share about your total hysto.. I was born with a malformed uterus (it is bicornuate) I've always had problems from it and I just want it gone. How was the process? And healing? How has the removal affected you in the years after? I appreciate you bro.

Heya, first off, sorry for taking so long to reply, and thank you! It’s been really rewarding to get to share my experience with others, answer questions, and hopefully dispel some myths. Bottom surgeries for trans men & trans mascs are too often maligned or erased and I’m grateful for the opportunity to fight against that with facts and experience.

The process was kind of funny. The admission and all such were your typical surgery stuff. They kept me overnight in the hospital pumping me full of saline with two jolly nurses watching over me. More or less every hour I woke up needing to piss like a racehorse, and the nurses would gently make fun of my woozy attempts to get up in these marvelous Georgia accents while helping me do so and disconnecting me from the drip, and I’d shuffle off to pee like half a liter (like…literally). This pattern continued until I was able to pass a certain threshold of how much I peed at one time. The purpose of this was to make sure my bladder was working correctly. After that, they let me sleep a bit and then I was released.

Before the surgery I had asked my surgeon if I could see the parts she was taking out, so she took photos for me of my insides during surgery and the whole kit & caboodle after it was removed, and printed them out on nice glossy paper for me. I was frankly astounded by how tiny the uterus actually is. Diagrams make it look like it’s the size of both hands put together or something but it would have easily fit in the palm of one! Also my liver is kinda cute. I still want to frame those photos.

I went home and mostly slept in a recliner a lot for the first couple of weeks. I wore sweatpants and kept an ice buddy (a penguin full of rice my friends got me) on my belly much of the time. I am pretty good at staying ahead of the pain with my meds without taking it more frequently than is safe, so I was only really a little sore and very, very sleepy. Bathing was a matter of wet wipes and dry shampoo for a while. I think I was off work for somewhere between four and eight weeks, and once I was past the first two or so, I spent a lot of time still in the recliner with the ice buddy, but this time binge-watching Critical Role and playing Stardew Valley. My cats stayed as close to me as they could the whole time. I think 4 weeks after the fact I was more or less fine.

Shortly after my spay, I started having hot flashes: since mine was a total hysterectomy (they removed the uterus, both ovaries—which, sure enough, turned out to be absolutely riddled with cysts—and the cervix), my estrogen level went from low to fuck-all, so I basically went through Menopause Lite. The hot flashes weren’t miserable. They were just stretches of time when I looked around and went “Is it just me or is it hot in here all of a sudden? Is the A/C on?” and it was, in fact, just me. Those came and went for maybe 3 months.

(A note for cis women and for trans/nb guys who aren’t on T: I attribute the mildness of my menopause symptoms to the fact that PCOS and HRT were already suppressing my estrogen production. If you have “normal” estrogen levels, there is a non-zero chance that yours will be worse. Ask your doctor for more info about this. If you don’t have your ovaries removed, you won’t go through this in the first place.)

Obviously I am now forever free of the misery of menstruation and the unacceptable risk of becoming pregnant. Both of those things are extremely awesome and I love them forever. Being sterile fucking rules! I’ve wanted this since I was 6 years old and no one can ever take it away from me! \:D/

This last section is about peeing so it goes under a cut!

The one and only downside is that I need to pee, like, all the time. Granted, the fact that I drink about a gallon of water every day does have a lot to do with that. But I’ve found that the sensation of needing to piss urgently comes a lot sooner than it used to. On a normal day, with me sitting here guzzling sweet, unchlorinated, high-quality well water all the time, I have to hit the head every 1-2 hours. If I stop drinking liquids about an hour or two before a road trip I can make a 3-hour drive without needing a pit stop. I asked my mom and a friend, both of whom have also had hysterectomies, if they go through this too, and they confirmed that yeah they do need to pee a lot more frequently than before the surgery. Just, y’know, not as often as I do because they’re not drinking 3-5 L of water daily.

The upside to THAT, actually, is if I need to wake up early, I can just drink a glass of water before going to sleep and I am guaranteed an early wake-up. I am an extremely deep sleeper, much to my own detriment—except where my bladder is concerned.

An odd little thing I’ve found, since my uterus is no longer helping to control where my bladder sits in my torso, is that how I urinate is a little different. Before, it was just the normal muscle movements I’d been doing all my life. Now, I find that urine comes in “waves”: it starts out normal, but then—it’s hard to explain, but I use a slightly different sort of muscle movement, a Kegel type thing, to…it feels like repositioning my bladder a little(???), and then I can feel the rest of the urine pouring down to my ureter, and then it’s normal pissing again. I mean…I’m just guessing at what’s actually going on in there based on what I can feel happening, so I could be off, who knows. It’s a little strange, but it’s not at all painful or anything, it’s just a neutral thing.

I very strongly recommend starting Kegel exercises as soon as you can if you plan on getting a hysterectomy, if you’re not doing them already. These can go a long way to making sure you don’t have problems with incontinence afterward. They were a standard part of my daily life for quite a few years leading up to my spay and so far so good.

#ftm #hysterectomy #bottom surgery #transgender #though tbh most of this is perfectly valid for cis women too! #queerdom #trans matters #replies to things

[shit-posts-and-trauma-thoughts]

When I was in middle school I started getting random sharp pains in my right side, it wasn’t so bad at first, the pain was sharp but it didn’t hurt too badly and it only lasted for a couple seconds at first, I told my parents but since it wasn’t on my left side they said they was no reason for us to take me to the doctor. The pains didn’t go away though, the pains got sharper and started lasting longer, in the next few months they started lasting multiple minutes at a time of pain that started in my sides and left me unable to move in certain cases.

I tried to tell my parents, I was terrified that something was wrong, I didn’t know what was happening and it was terrifying, I wondered more than once if whatever it was got bad enough if it could be fatal, I started wondering how many people would comfort my parents and tell them there’s no way they could have known cause after all no one would know that I’d begged to get it looked at.

The pains only got worse for a while after that, until one day in Ag when I went to raise my hand sharp pains when through my body so strong that I couldn’t move, it hurt worse than anything I’d ever felt before, it hurt worse than getting a concussion and worse than being ran over, I couldn’t even move my arm that froze midway up, the pain was going out in waves from my abdomen and I couldn’t move, I couldn’t cry, the teacher didn’t notice that my hand was halfway up and I couldn’t even move. It stayed like that for about fifteen minutes before the pain left suddenly like it was never there. I tried again to tell my parents but they still didn’t believe me.

It happened again in the same class a couple of weeks later, that time a few minutes longer, again it felt like someone had doused every nerve in my body with gasoline and set them on fire, but eventually it stopped as soon as it came, again I told my parents and again they thought I was making it up.

Around a month later the school had a pep rally, it was loud and the sets were uncomfortable but it wasn’t the worst, that’s when it happened again accept that time it didn’t stop after around fifteen minutes, it hurt as bad as the past two times combined, that’s when I can honestly say that for the first time in the life I felt sure I was going to die, I accepted it relatively quickly, I wondered how people would react, I wondered if my parents would wish they’d believed me, I wondered what it actually was that was causing me so much pain, I can honestly say that I didn’t expect to still be conscious at the end of the pep rally. I stayed like that for about little over an hour, the pep rally was about to be over when the pain started to fade, slowly unlike the other times and it hurt to walk when the pep rally ended but eventually the pain went away again, I went to the bathroom and cried once I could walk well enough again, I never wanted to feel like that again.

After that the pains started to happen less and not as strongly, they still happened for a few more months but never as bad as before, my parents never did take me to the doctor for it though and for years I was terrified of it coming back, I had to pull over when I was driving on more than one occasion because I felt a sharp pain that caused me to panic and start crying hard enough that It inhibited my driving ability.

It wasn’t until around a year ago while I was out from college that a doctor finally told me that it sounded like I’d most likely had ovarian cysts that had eventually ruptured, but he couldn’t be sure since it happened years ago.

For years I’ve been afraid of it coming back, my mom said that I needed to get over it because it happened years ago (8 years ago now) but it still scares me. Then two months ago it happened, I started getting sharp pains in my chest, at first they were small but they’ve started to last longer, the last time lasting several minutes with my chest staying sore for the rest of the day. In the beginning I was too afraid of my parents getting mad at me if it turned out to be nothing, but it’s starting to really scare me.

That’s why I finally did it, I booked a doctor’s appointment for myself tomorrow. I’m terrified about how it’s gonna go but I finally did it, I’m so scared that it’s gonna be just like last time and my brain is convinced that it’s come back to finish what it started and kill me, I’m terrified of what I’m going to find out at the doctor tomorrow but I’m finally going, my parents tried to convince me not to go but I want to know this time, maybe this time someone will believe me.

#trauma #childhood trauma #depressing shit #abuse recovery #medical negligence #mother issues #neglect #gaslighting #tw depressing thoughts #medical neglect #maybe the doctor will believe that I’m not crazy #I just want someone to believe me #child abuse #child neglect #trying to tag everything #ovarian cyst #how tf am I not dead yet

[newhologram]

In 2022, I had an estimated 129 medical appointments. Many times I had 5 appts a week, 3 in a day even.

Here is some of the necessary care I fought for all year but still can’t access:

❌ Surgery to address upper cervical instability and 2 bulging discs in my neck ❌ Physical therapy to address my thoracic pain (it took 13 months to get an MRI) and being unable to sit up for long, as well as for my right arm nerve abnormality. Every referral for PT was over an hour away. I can't sit up to drive that long anymore. They can send the disabled shuttle to pick me up, but that's actually even longer sitting up so it's not helpful. ❌ IV ketamine to manage my depression, C-PTSD, autoimmune disorders, and chronic pain (ended up going with at-home ketamine thanks to GFM donations, but IV would be better distribution for inflammation/pain) ❌An updated sleep study since it’s been nearly 10 years since my type 2 narcolepsy diagnosis and some of my other symptoms such as frequent painful myoclonus and choking in my sleep are now making it even harder to get consistent shut-eye ❌Disability benefits and Medicare as I’m now officially considered a “complex” case and have been dropped by doctors who didn't feel they could help me ❌Endometriosis excision surgery + getting my blood-filled ovarian cyst (red thing in photo) dealt with. After several months of going to multiple specialists to rule out other things, including cancer (being monitored for lymphoma/leukemia now), I was sent to a gynecological oncologist surgeon who does the complete wrong outdated terrible no good surgery. She wanted to just do a full hysterectomy and ablation of endo lesions. ❌An updated 1 year colonoscopy after my disastrous 2021 ulcerative colitis/endometriosis flare up that landed me in the hospital. My mesorectal lymph nodes are a little enlarged and there’s a mysterious lesion in my colon, which is why they sent me to a cancer doctor for bloodwork and PET scan—but I strongly believe it’s just endometriosis invading my bowels, which is why I need the endo surgery so bad as well. I'm at the point where my colon will completely go on strike and the pain from the constipation is ER-level (especially when my period from hell comes). It's also just dangerous. I've never had this problem so intensely before, so I'm being even more careful with food and supplements. ❌Pelvic floor physical therapy to help with debilitating pelvic pain caused by endometriosis and other things ❌ A pain management doctor who can prescribe me Tramadol, which helps keep me out of the ER every month, and that has minimal side effects. Something I’ve taken safely for 6 years with no complications. Instead, they'll only Rx Suboxone, which makes it hard to function and has side effects that can cause colitis or narcolepsy complications. I have to take 1/8 of a dose and I still pay for it later.

I had so many arguments with doctors to correct them when they brought up the wrong treatment, wrong surgery, etc. Not only did some of them already know it was bullshit, but others wouldn’t even try to have an open enough mind to keep learning past medical school.

This year was a lot of disappointment and frustration. I feel so worn down. This kind of medical trauma erodes hope and optimism. When intuition about our own bodies and the hours we put into research means nothing to medical professionals or insurance, it feels like we're at the end of the road. I wouldn’t wish the necessity for this kind of resilience on anyone. I wouldn’t have been able to withstand this year without the ketamine therapy or support from friends and followers. I cannot express what it means to have that, especially when I'm still pretty isolated day-to-day. To manage things on my own, I paid out of pocket for acupuncture, cryotherapy, red light therapy, ketamine, many new supplements, all kinds of new massage/trigger point/gua sha/acupressure tools. I went hard on a self-care/pain mgmt routine that I’m proud of, but I’m still very much disabled by persistent, impenetrable chronic pain/fatigue. I was thankfully able to get some prescriptions that help with flare ups, such as Xanax and Toradol. This is one of my many blessings in 2022. My fight is far from over but I want to go into 2023 with softness.

No more pushing through 16 appts per month while also forcing myself to constantly record and edit new content. I want to recline my floor chair and rest my back while I focus on editing older stuff. I have no idea how long it will take to get through my backlog of projects but I’m going to be putting certain things on hiatus so I can just take it slow.

If you enjoy any of my content at all, please share it and consider donating. Your support helps me afford my supplements and medication to keep managing my symptoms even when I'm not able to work that much. GoFundMe: Help New get relief from chronic pain & illness Ko-Fi: Make a micro-donation (name in YouTube endscreen!) Patreon: Monthly support and access to Hologram Discord server (name in YouTube endscreen!) Thank you for helping me be strong this year, Holograms. I love you all very much.

#spoonie #disabled model #disabled artist #endometriosis #chronic illness #mri #medical imaging #long post #alt text

[larjb3]

Medical Gaslighting

To be honest, I don’t know if I’ve been medically gaslighted. I think I probably have, because here are some interactions I’ve had, dating back to childhood:

Me: *complaining of joint pain, especially in my knees*

Pediatrician: You just need to swim more and take fish oil

*joint pain doesn’t end, swimming consistently throughout the week*

Pediatrician: You’re just not doing it well-enough

-------

Me: I’ve been having knee pain for over a year now

Doctor: Have you tried physical therapy?

Me: *lists everything I’ve done, including PT*

Doctor: Well you need to do PT again if you want injections

(Note: I did not want injections - I want pain relief and to know why my knees are in such pain)

-------

Me: *meeting with a new doctor* Oh, and my platelets have been chronically high

Doctor: Why is that?

Me: I don’t know

Doctor: Huh. *doesn’t do anything*

-------

Me: *going to urgent care* My knee has been acting up. It gets really tight on the sides, and on the back of my knee, especially when I workout. And there’s a super sharp pain under my kneecap, like, just below it, especially when going up and down stairs.

Doctor: It sounds like it’s muscle-related. Here are some muscle relaxers *does no imaging*

*over 1 year later, that knee was diagnosed with a frayed meniscus, runner’s knee, mild effusion (swelling), and a moderate baker’s cyst*

-------

Me: I’m experiencing chest pain. It’s really tight, and it hurts

Doctor: It’s just your fibromyalgia

-------

Me: *going in after an MRI of my left knee*

Doctor: Well you have some swelling

Me: So what’s causing the swelling?

Doctor: I don’t know. So I don’t know why you’re having pain.

-------

Although these instances may not seem super ridiculous or wild, when they accumulate in number, the amount of times I have heard something related to something “just being” my fibro or something else menial, it gets ridiculous. It gets me not trusting the medical profession. It gets me scared every time I see a new doctor, because what if they don’t believe me? What if I have to go through the same tests that I’ve done before, and nothing new turns up? Do I have to blame it on my fibro again? Medical gaslighting is a thing, and maybe it speaks to the fact that it’s so prevalent where I have to ask myself if I have actually experienced it. But regardless of if I’ve experienced it or not, I know others have, and that seeing doctors can actually be SUPER triggering to someone whose life has revolved around not being believed.

#medical gaslighting #medical #fibromyalgia #fibro #fibrofighter #chronic illness #larjb3

[the-technicolor-whiscash]

God fuck the only reason I haven’t been to a doctor about my cyst problem is because I don’t have a pcp since we fucking moved 1200 miles and it’s so hard to find a doctor and when you do find one it’s such a bitch of a time to become a new patient and if I hadn’t fucking moved I probably would’ve had the ass surgery by now but no instead now I have to live in hell

It’s gotten worse too I think cause I now work in an office sitting on my ass for most of the day so I’m lucky if I can go a month period without getting a cyst on my tailbone. And I have to constantly keep an eye on it because I Cannot have that shit getting nasty when I’m at work cause I had that happen once when I worked at disney and it was an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And I have like a tailbone pillow thing for it but that only goes so far like I’ve done literally everything I can to try and prevent it from happening but it’s just like, I’m predisposed to them and it’s a known family issue and it’s just like, it’s one of those problems where you can’t really talk about it cause it’s gross and embarrassing so yknow like. I joke about having to get ass surgery but every time I check back there and my ass is bleeding I’m ready to kill. It’s not like surprising or scary anymore cause this shit has been going on for years but it’s just frustrating.

#the whiscash administration #unsanitary

[splitting-infinities]

ok long, angry essay incoming. cw for endometriosis, surgery, and american healthcare.

i hate that i have to stand up for myself when making appointments for my chronic condition. if you need a reminder that in 2022 people with chronic illness are STILL not listened to, take the following story.

basically, i need a doctor in my area who know how to treat people with endometriosis. simple, right? NOPE.

here’s what it’s like to have a disease where tissue similar to what normally lines the inside of a uterus grows where it’s not supposed to. in good ol’ modern times.

(more under cut)

need to see a specialist? they’re 3 states away with a year of booking full. want a diagnosis? average diagnosis takes between 4 and 10 years, and is done exclusively by a surgery few perform - either due to lack of trained doctors who can do the operation, cost and insurance limitations, misdiagnoses, or lack of doctors listening to you. plan on having kids? 30-50% of endo patients struggle with infertility. maybe you’re lucky and your endo is caught early enough to prevent scar tissue on important places like your fallopian tubes. but not everyone is lucky. and you know what would catch scarring, lesions, and chocolate cysts in time? THE SURGERY.

(don’t get me started on the inaccessibility of the gold standard excision surgery, or the fact that having one ablation laparoscopy surgery is often only effective for 2-5 years before endometriosis returns and more surgeries are needed. this condition is NOT CURABLE.)

it took me 12 years to get a laparoscopy to diagnose me, and only then could i get access to treatments insurance covers for people who can prove they have it (like acupuncture, for instance).

to sum up that whole mess, sending me to a regular gynecologist without specific training on how to handle endo is like... like handing me a plastic toy knife when I need a swiss army tool. will it do the job? maybe, but it won’t do enough. not by a long shot. and on top of that, it just feels mean.

i have never had a consistent doctor i trust who is familiar with endo. every good one i’ve had has retired or left with no notice. the bad ones didn’t take my symptoms seriously and/or injured me while trying to do an exam.

with each change to a new provider, i always get impersonally shunted to a random doctor who doesn’t know me or all the decisions i’ve had to fight with every single one of their predecessors over. i have to tell them the above sob story. explain why i don’t want kids. vaguely dance around sex-repulsed asexuality a bit if i can be sure they’re not going to pathologize me. explain my treatment plan. convince them to give me prescription renewals. this is all assuming they’re one of the good ones who will listen to all that and care.

it is EXHAUSTING. regurgitating this is nothing short of Sisyphean.

and then today. i just tried to make another appointment and it went something like this:

me: hi, i need to make an appointment, i’m a patient of Dr. X

reception: yeah they’re not with us anymore, Dr Y is free though

me: ok but I need someone who knows specifically how to treat endometriosis, can Dr Y do that?

reception: all of our providers do that.

me: no, they don’t. it says on your website that maybe 3 or 4 are familiar with the condition. and half of your staff aren’t even gynocologists. they do only obstetrics. I’m looking at it right now and it even says Dr Y is focused on obstetrics. i am not nor will i ever be pregnant. is there someone else who would be a better fit?

reception (about to hang up): k we put you in with Dr Y!

me: UM NO? I need someone who can treat my CONDITION?

reception: Dr. Y will be fine. all you need is a pap anyway. don’t worry!

me:

reception: bye! <click>

so that brings me to where i am now, still thinking about this interaction. i’m totally fine. great even! just sitting here in pjs. thinking about, like, do you ever get tired of being strong and high maintenance and shouting your needs into a hurricane? do you ever want to climb the walls of your doctor’s office waiting room like a prehistoric bird-lizard and tear chunks from the drywall with your teeth?

yeah.

anyway, i just bought halloween oreos.

Sources:

https://www.healthline.com/health/endometriosis-diagnosis#takeaway

https://www.endofound.org/infertility

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5635831/

#endometriosis #vent #delete later #chronic illness #maybe i should eat an oreo and then i'll CALM DOWN

[gender-homework]

I guess I shouldn’t be trying to hold it in. But I just feel so scared about this cyst pain. It feels wrong - something in my abdomen feels wrong. And idk if it’s a giant ovarian cyst or something else. Or just healing after the cyst ruptured but it feels very uncomfortable & painful at times

1. I’m worried about unknowns that I’m trying not to predict - or jump to worst case scenarios

2. But I’m also upset because it feels like once again I’m inches away from starting HRT & something else has popped up to very likely delay it.

And I just it hurts more and every time I get my hopes up & let myself acknowledge and feel how important it is to me- only to have it pushed back further and further.

It hurts so much - because I knew it was something that hurt for so long - so I didn’t let myself feel it. Because at the time I didn’t realize I could do anything about that pain that I was so afraid to address. But there is a solution, there is something I’ve let myself want- need. And it’s keeps getting pushed away.

I keep waiting one month at a time. Because of that fucked up doctor who literally had me on an emotional rollercoaster.

Starting with- I don’t think it’s healthy for you to start T yet you need to have your hormones balanced first.

it sounds like the (female) hormones I prescribed are working wonders come back next month and we can discuss starting testosterone.

I can’t do anything for you right now we need to wait for the hormones you’re currently on to start working it could take a while because it’s odd that you had a breakthrough period so, you should come back next month and you’ll be ready to discuss starting T

ok here is all the reasons why the female hormones are working wonders for your body I’m worried I wish all my patients had success stories like yours. You can come back next month can run some blood work to finally start testestrone. Aren’t you excited!

actually I don’t think you’ll ever be able to start testestrone because of your other health problems but if you come back in a month I can order bloodwork to check your testosterone levels to talk about starting T. But don’t get your hopes up.

So I found a new doctor & I’m waiting for my new appointment in a month. And now this pops up & I just can’t take it anymore. If it gets delayed again-

It’s not a race. There is no timeline. It’s a journey. And I’m growing and loving myself more as I go. It’s good that I’m feeling my emotions now instead of repressing them even if they hurt. Because pushing them away for so many years made things dull. It made me feel like I had no choice but to feel bad.

My health is important if there is something wrong with me that needs to be addressed regardless. People deal with health issues all the time. People have surgeries all the time, people have to wait for things they want all the time.

It could literally be nothing to worry about at all cysts reabsorb all the time. It could just be irritated from rupturing & because of my hyper awareness with my medical PTSD I’m noticing it more.

I’m doing all the right things to best of my ability. I realized my doctor wasn’t good. So I left her & found a new one. I made an appointment & this time they had availability withing 6 weeks instead of the 4 months I had to wait to see my last terrible doctor. In about a month I will have my appointment and I will talk about how important it is for me to start T- I won’t minimize it. (Because that’s what I tend to do)

I will ask for her to order an ultrasound for my cyst and a referral to a gyno who will be in their system because it’s not a private practice it’s a whole network of doctors. And I will figure out what’s going on

[luminescentwind]

1008.1

Every year I convince myself I have some form of cancer or other common disease. I have occasionally wondered if I could be a hypochondriac, but I’m not entirely conviced that I am. My reason for believing this is that I do experience one or two symptoms that raise my initial concerns. However, I also know that this sounds like a rationalization.

In any case, I noticed a slight redness in my left breast some time ago. It coincided with my yearly checkup, which includes a breast ultrasound. Turns out I have a small cyst in that area, but I’ve had them before and I know they are not dangerous. There were no other anomalies and my doctor, who is very patient with me, told me that everything is good as usual.

However, the redness worries me. I have tried not thinking about it but everytime I have a shower or I go to sleep, I check to see if it’s still there. There more I think about it the worse I feel. Because of this I have decided to go see my doctor next week.

It won’t be the first time I’ve showed up at her office asking for reassurance. Every single time it has been some misinterpretation of symptoms on my part. Fair enough, I prefer being told I’m wrong rather than waiting it out and developing some disease. Again, this sounds like a rationalization from a hypochondriac.

Last year I had good reasons to think there was a serious problem with my eyes. I kept getting pink eye, and after some time it wasn’t even pink eye, it was an awful redness and tiredness in my eyes. I was worried sick. No one really seemed to know what it was or how to treat it properly, since every time it was cured, it came back not long afterwards. I always thought it may have been the swimming pool I was going to. People said to me that I should wear goggles, but I was already doing that. I wore them so tightly that not a single drop of water could get into my eyes.

That all lasted until one day I could finally have an appointment with my ophthalmologist, and he said that whatever I did I shold be very careful because I was really risking my eyes. I decided not to go to the pool for a few weeks. My eyes got better and I decided to stop swimming. I felt awful because it was the first sport that I actually enjoyed, but I was so relieved that my eyes were better that I never looked back.

There was also a time, quite a few years ago, when I went to see my doctor, who recommended a dermatologist, and then I went to see her because I had some mean bruise-like spots on the back of my legs. I had no idea what it was and I thought it may have been some circulatory problem. Nope. It was winter, and I’d been standing in front of the heater, my back turned to it, for long periods of time. The spots were the result of my skin reacting to the heat, simple as.

Coming back to the breasts, not long ago both of them were very itchy, which also worried me. I decided to start washing my bras way more often and the itches almost disappeared. I think wearing a bra all day does come with some small issues, even if it’s only some mild skin discomfort. So now they don’t itch or anything, and this had led me to think that maybe the redness is a result of scratching or simply skin irritation, which would be a much more commong explanation.

Guess I’ll find out next week. Can’t believe I wrote all this about diseases. What’s more, I can’t belive I my memories about this are this detailed.

I feel better now though, having removed it from my system.

A friend of mine says I worry excessively and I know she’s right, but I only get true comfort from a professional opinion, and sometimes my own writing.

#writing #journal #diary

[shammyb]

My mama called me yesterday morning, telling me she had a mole on her face checked out and it is melanoma. They sent out a biopsy to find out what stage it’s at, and we’ll be talking soon, as she shoudl hopefully know within the next couple days tops. We had a really nice, long talk, but every time I think about what she said to me and that my literal creator may be dying (which ya we are always all dying technically but theres something different when you find its caused by cancer), I break into choking tears. Today I took the day off work, road my bike all the way out to the sandy river, wrote a lot about her and other little things, but bringing it back to her, while tears dripped on my pages, and birds flew over the water I was laying infront of, with joy.  I biked over to a target nearby after that, to try on a couple bathing suits, because i figured why not, and I was feeling extremely body dysmorphic, not liking how I look at the moment---then it all bringing me back to being a child in the dressing room with my mom, as she looked at herself in the mirror, crying at how she looked, though i always thought she looked so perfect; my creator, my god.  I’ll probably have to call out of work again tomorrow, which i’m not looking forward to, as I don’t have that much money these days since I quit dancing, and so much of my money went into fixing my car, literally only for my car to get a mold problem when we had terrible rainfall and make it undriveable (i found out i’m allergic to mold).  I also so a doctor the other day at Planned parenthood, after waiting for literally an hour after when my appointment was scheduled, and was referred to an ultrasound tech to check out my uterus, because sounds like I may have an ovarian cyst. I’ve known somethings going on in my body for a long time, and recently I’ve been having my period every 2 weeks. Being on OHP has been frustrating, as it’s already difficult to make doctor appointments for me, as last time I went to get an ultrasound, like in December or something, I never got a call back from the doctors who said they would call me back after my imaging was complete to follow up/make next steps. But this time its with planned parenthood, and they have a more thorough,  caring process when it comes to that stuff, so I’m hopeful that this time we’ll figure the fuck out what's going on inside my body. I’ve been wishing I could be held these last couple days. I don’t get to see my partner until Monday, and my parents literally live on the other side of the country, and I just want to curl up and be in safe, loving, arms. It’s difficult to picture life without my mom in it. She’s so sweet, so caring, and I will have to write an entire separate post sometimes about how big her heart is. I held so much resentment for things she wasn’t able to do out of fear in my past, but shes shown me for a while now (since my parents moved away) how shes been trying to be there, and send me post cards about things that reminded her of me, silly little gifts like a mug covered in bees (because I love bees), and just always calls and texts me that shes thinking of me and loves me these days. Shes been actively showing her love and she literally created me, and is just such a compassionate person...I dunno. I feel like I’m going through my 6-year breakup all over again lol, because of how headachy this is making me. For all I know, it could only be stage one and easily removed, but it also could be anywhere beyond, and time is just feeling extra extra valuable now. Lowell hasn’t said much and said he wont be available until monday and im trying not to think too much into that but I feel sad that I can’t be in his arms and that he isn’t willing to be more immediately available. We’ll see how all that works out and what he has to say/how he’ll be there on Monday.. Anyway, ya. scrambled but, after returning home from my bikeride, I decided to walk to the climbing gym, since I’ve not been making the time to go over the last couple months, frequently...But something in me told me I need to start being better at going again, for my mom. Because I love it, and she knows I love it too, and its def a form of self care for me. I’m glad I went, because I ran into a long time climbing pal, Sergey, and told him the news I just found out, and he started tearing up because it reminded him of how his mom passed and we hugged for a moment and it was very comforting and he wanted to give me some strength and yeah, i’m just glad I got to see a trusted community member who was able to give a supportive gesture. Anyway, I walked home after that with a big headache, got home almost an hour later (not a short walk lol), and made myself some ramen and had an apple w peanut butter for desert. My stomach has been in knots the last two days. I have always had bad IBS stuff, but I think its also related to both my maybe-cyst, and def my moms news.  Like I’ve said before, when it rains, it pours.  Feel free to send any kind words my way. Thanks for reading, if you took all that time to. Writing saves me. Goodnight, maybe.

#melanoma #skin cancer #journal #rant #ramble #ibs #grief #grieving #depression #myself #my mom #I love my mom #My mom is my god

[ayushaktiayurveda]

Let's dedicate this International women's day 2023 to discovering inspiring recovery stories of women's getting effective relief from their chronic health problems (PCOS-PCOD, Infertility, Endometriosis, and Irregular periods) – by choosing Ayushakti Ayurved Treatment!

International Women's Day is celebrated every year on March 8th to celebrate women's social, economic, cultural, and political achievements.

This day also provides an opportunity to raise awareness about women's health issues.

In this competitive world, women are working hard for equality and undoubtedly doing impeccably in their respective fields.

But as time and technology evolves, we get less time to ourselves and certainly no time for our health.

One of the many reasons for our bad health is eating whatever is available on the go and having a sedentary lifestyle.

According to Ayurveda, human bodies are governed by three doshas, or energies - Vata, Pitta, and Kapha - which must be balanced to maintain optimal health.

Ayurveda recognizes that women's bodies undergo notable changes throughout their lives, from menstruation to pregnancy to menopause.

As such, it emphasizes the importance of a holistic approach to health that considers physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

From menstrual cramps to menopause, Ayurveda offers a holistic approach to treating a wide range of gynecological issues.

In this blog, we will discuss some common women's health concerns like periods, PCOS-PCOD, infertility, ovarian cancer, and Endometriosis from an Ayurvedic perspective, with a touch of humour.

PCOS-PCOD:

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD) are common hormonal disorders that affect women's reproductive health.

In Ayurveda, these conditions are caused by an imbalance in the body's doshas or energies.

Ayurvedic remedies like Triphala, ashwagandha, and Shatavari can help balance the doshas and manage symptoms like irregular periods, weight gain, and acne.

NEVER GIVE UP is not just a Phrase! – Naura Proved it by being Strong for 8 years! Read here to know how she got relief from 8 years old PCOD Naturally!

Hi, My Name is Naura. I've been suffering from PCOD for 8 years — With Ayushakti Treatment, and I can see 90% improvement in almost 2.5 months, I guess!

"I was suffering from Polycystic ovary and hormonal imbalance for 8 years and also some back pain. I have done surgery to remove cysts and right after the surgery my hormone got messed up again and the polycystic ovary went on and on never went away. Ayushakti's treatment for 2.5 months gave me 90% relief. I have no polycystic ovary and my hormones are all balanced now. Menstrual pain is also relieved."

- NAURA, SAUDI ARABIA

Irregular Periods:

Let's face it, and periods are not the most pleasant experience for women.

Ayurveda recognizes periods as a natural process and recommends specific herbs and remedies to ease discomfort.

For example, ginger tea can help reduce cramps, while jaggery can help replenish iron lost during periods.

Additionally, avoiding cold foods and drinks during periods can help reduce bloating and discomfort.

Decision, Determination, and Dedication are some of the words for our Brave Sumukhi Mhatre – With Ayushakti treatment, and her periods got back on time!

Ayushakti changed my life! I got my periods regular thanks to Ayushakti!

"My name is Sumukhi Mhatre and I am 20 years old. I was going through painful periods and sometimes irregular periods, mainly after a gap of 3 months. During my periods I used to menstruate blood clots and have severe abdominal pain plus weakness. Then I had a USG Pelvis done and in my report, it stated heavy bulky ovaries. I met Ayushakti's doctor and they recommended a lifestyle change and a customized diet plan. I followed it with Ayushakti herbal remedies and within 60 days I got results. I felt energetic, and the periods were on time naturally. I continued with herbs and diet and within 6 months I got 80% relief from irregular periods, relief from abdominal pain, and improvement in weakness."

- SUMUKHI MHATRE.

Infertility:

Infertility is a challenging issue for many couples trying to conceive.

In Ayurveda, infertility is often attributed to a disturbance in the reproductive system's balance.

Ayurvedic remedies like ghee, sesame seeds, and ashwagandha can help balance the body's energies and promote reproductive health.

Yoga and meditation can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being, aiding fertility.

With diagnosis comes hope, and with hope comes Ayushakti — Discover Devika's journey from being unable to conceive to giving birth baby boy! Complication-free pregnancy under the guidance of Dr Smita Naram.

I am Devika from USA. After 4 years of marriage, I got pregnant but had a miscarriage after about 3 months. I got to know about Ayushakti from one of Ayushakti client Devi param as she was visiting Dr. Smita Naram and she had experience of many people who have difficulty conceiving or difficulty in pregnancy who got great results with Dr. Smita Naram's herbs and treatment. I sent her the details which I have been given about seven years back when I was a teenager.Dr. Smita Naram looked up my records and without even meeting me at all, she sent the herbs for me which I took before conceiving, fully during the 9 months of pregnancy, and as well as 3 months after delivery. And I delivered a healthy baby boy without any complications during the pregnancy or delivery. So definitely for couples who were wanting a child for many years, I would recommend to come and consult Dr. Smita Naram and Ayushakti.

Endometriosis:

Endometriosis is painful when the tissue lining the uterus grows outside of it.

Ayurveda recommends incorporating herbs like ashwagandha, Shatavari, and Triphala into the diet to help balance the body's energies and reduce inflammation. Practising yoga and meditation can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being, which can also help manage endometriosis symptoms.

A reminder of living life to the fullest– Fight Back!… Watch Ayushakti's founder and renowned Vaidya Smita Pankaj Naram Revealing Ancient Secrets of Ayurveda treat Endometriosis. Click here!

Self Care

And last but not least, let's talk about self-care. As women, we tend to put everyone else's needs before our own. But it's important to remember that we can't pour from an empty cup.

So take some time to do things that make you feel good - a bubble bath, a yoga class, or just binge-watching your favourite show on Netflix. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

So there you have it, ladies. A little humor, health, and a lot of girl power. Happy International Women's Day! Let's continue to lift each other and take care of ourselves along the way.

Takeaway:

In conclusion, managing women's health issues like periods, PCOS-PCOD, infertility, and Endometriosis can be challenging.

However, Ayurveda offers a range of remedies and practices that can help manage symptoms and promote overall well-being.

So, this International Women's Day, let's celebrate women's achievements and raise awareness about women's health concerns with humour and positivity. After all, laughter is the best medicine!

Ayushakti's mission is to help people in every possible way. You can consult our experts on phone or video. We will suggest diet & home remedies for maintaining your well-being in these difficult times.

Book your consultation here  - https://bit.ly/3XiG50D

For more information write to us at [email protected]

You may contact us on our toll-free numbers - 18002663001 (India) & [phone] (Global)

Author of the Blog: DR. RAJASEE PATADE

Expert Review By: Dr Smita Pankaj Naram

Co-Founder, Ayushakti Ayurved Pvt Ltd

FOR MORE INFO VISIT - https://ayushakti.com/symptoms-and-illness/category/w/women-health

#women #womensday

[marctheshark9]

Rain showers bring flowers. January, February, March and April, were tough. May and June were filled with highs and lows, but growth isn’t all smiles and rainbows. There’s pain and suffering. They’re accompanied by loneliness and constant worry. You are not alone, God is with you. Seek him and he will guide you through the showers and to your flowers. 

I started writing this on May 10th. I thought I was going to be done by June 1st, but my laptop charger broke. I couldn’t work like I wanted to. My deadline is July 1st. Yesterday was hella busy so I’m dropping right now on July 2nd.

Plans change, but my goals remain the same. I want wealth, health, and security in all aspects. Freedom is what I’m after. I will have complete control of my schedule. I will go on vacation when I want. I will be able to go to all my son’s events and everywhere else I’m invited. I’ve missed out on so many weddings, birthday trips and other things cause my pockets were tight. I will have complete financial freedom in the next few years. I’ll be able to afford everything I want and need. 

People grow together and grow apart. Last year at this time my relationship was about to start. We had no idea what was about to happen. It almost came to an end, but we’re working and growing together. Also, we’re growing separately to become the best versions of ourselves.

 Things were rough at the top of the year. Now things are looking swell. I got a new job and a new car. On top of all that my son lives with me full-time. These are the flowers I was speaking of and they’re beautiful. I prayed for all these things for over a year. I spent countless nights with negative emotions. Dark thoughts crossed my mind, but God’s timing is perfect. Every time I thought I couldn’t make it God came through in the clutch.

In early January I got my cyst removed. This isn’t the first time I’ve had the procedure done. It was the first time I got it done like this. They numbed my head, but it was still painful. It wasn’t unbearable, but I felt the pressure of the doctor pushing and pulling inside of my head. It was gruesome. Blood dripped down my forehead and on to my California fishing shirt. I remember looking to the left and seeing a large pile of bloody napkins. I had to wear the head bandage for a couple days and I was out of work for 2 weeks. 

I bounced back strong, but I wasn’t prepared for this next hurdle. In late January my Uncle Leroy died. My maternal grandfather died in late October. I’m still recovering from that. People who really know me know how much they meant to meant to me. I’m holding tears back and I have chills as I type. Those were my guys. My two multiple sclerosis warriors are gone. Losing them back to back has been indescribable. I have both of their obituaries in my car. I take them with me everywhere I go. 

These two are the main reason that I’m such a health nut. My maternal grandfather and my paternal uncle both had multiple sclerosis. I watched them suffer for most of my life. I was 9 years old when I started to help take care of my grandpa. I’ve fed him, changed his diaper, taken him to the doctor and everything in between. It was gross as fuck at times, but If I could have one more chance to do anything with him, I would take full advantage of it.

 On the other side Uncle Leroy was only 48 years old when he passed. He’s been sick since he was in his mid 20s. He was the cool uncle that lived out of town. My family oozed a contagious joy when Big L came down from New York.

My mom always spoke highly of Leroy. She said he was always nice and respectful. She and a lot of my relatives say I reminded them of Leroy because he wasn’t in the streets or a tough guy. The Betancourt boys we’re always involved in some foolishness, but Leroy was never that type of guy. 

Leroy was a twin. On the night he passed his twin brother Leon screamed at the top of his lungs, “Why God? He was the good one you should’ve taken me. “He fell to his knees right in front of me. I was sitting on the couch and I couldn’t do anything but cry. My dad has four brothers and two sisters. The family tree lost a branch. Things will never be the same. 

Burying my uncle was one of the hardest things I had to do. I had to pull myself together and help lead the family. That night I walked up to dad and said “You’re the captain now. Grandma and Grandpa are down bad and they have to process this. You have to steer the ship. These next few days are going to be tough, but I got your back.” 

The next week was spent planning a funeral. I didn’t think I would be adding this to my resume so soon but it happened. I knew in my early 20s that I would have to step up and be one of the patriarchs of my family. I didn’t know exactly how it would happen, but I knew I would step up when the time was right. 

The next few weeks we’re tough but I made it through. I had to stay strong for my son. He’s seen so much death for an 8-year-old. In late May I was taking him to school and he broke down crying. He told me that he was thinking about all the relatives he lost over the past few years. 

I fought depression daily, but things we’re moving in the right direction. Then some more wild ass shit happened. In early March, I was playing kickball with my high school students. As I rounded second base I fell. My ankle was little stiff, but I got up and walked it off. An hour later I was in Walmart with one shoe on because my ankle swelled up. It looked like I had a grapefruit in my sock. I couldn’t put any weight on my ankle and I was on crutches for a week. The pain was throbbing and it felt like my ankle weighed 1,000 pounds. I was thinking take my whole ankle away. I don’t even want it anymore. I was in so much pain. I would’ve let somebody cut it off.

I tried to go to work at Nike the next day, but they sent me home. I’ve never broken a bone or had any serious injuries. I had neck surgery before, but never any injuries that limited my mobility. I was down bad. I didn’t do any fitness related activities for two weeks. I didn’t do any weighted exercises with my legs for like a month.  The injury sucked but it made me realize that I’m getting older.

Once I healed, I had a great opportunity to show my bounce back. I started coaching track in January. Life was throwing hurdles at me. I jumped each one and still made time for the kids. Sometimes at the track meets they have coaches’ races. I competed in a few and did very well. Now the team expects me to run at every meet. At a track meet in March I smoked the competition. Our head coach told me that he was going to enter me in the open 100m with some real competition.

 I started practicing with the team to prepare for the race. I saw the qualifying times. Dudes we’re running under 11 seconds. I think I could break 11 seconds with proper training. I was doing pretty well with my training until I pulled my hamstring. When I pulled it, I thought I was going to collapse. My legs were trembling and my head started spinning.

I thought to myself damn Marc you’re old.  I just recovered from sprained ankle, now I pulled a hamstring. Everyone told me I needed to slow down a little bit. I don’t think so. I just have so stretch more and train smarter if I’m going to compete. I turn 30 in late July. I figure I have 5 more years of prime Marc if I train hard and stay fit. That way when I start declining, I will be in peak physical form. Then I can just maintain it from there. 

After a couple weeks I began to work on legs again. I was doing pushups and upper body work because of the injury. I’ve already missed a month of fitness because of my cyst and my ankle. I couldn’t afford to miss any more time. The gym is one of my happy places. I find so much peace in there and when I’m playing competitive sports. Once I have a better grip on my schedule I’ll began playing again. I’ll start by hooping and see what else my schedule permits.

 Speaking on scheduling my son moving here completely changed my schedule. Plus, I got a new job and I quit working at the school. Also, I quit working at Nike in late June. I was planning on staying for 5 years and getting my lifetime discount, but it wasn’t in the cards. I might be able to go back and finish out but we will see what happens.

 Anyways on to the new job. I applied for this job in January. I interviewed in late February and was offered the job three days later. They told me the process would take a couple weeks. They just had to get some contracts finalized and they would bring me on. I waited patiently, but weeks began to pass. Eventually a month passed. I was uneasy and I had no idea what to do.  I called and emailed to the point where one of the owners got spicy with me via email. I felt some kind of way, but I didn’t care I needed this job. One month turned into two months and still no start date in sight. I finally got the green light in late April.

My start date was May 2nd. I was ecstatic, but I had other things on my mind. Before I started my new job my mom Lil Marc and I traveled to Boston for Carlos’s heart transplant anniversary party. In 2020 my 6-year-old nephew Sean died in a car accident. After he passed his parents decided to donate his organs. Seanie was able to save six lives. One of those lives was a little boy named Carlos. Carlos’s family got in touch with my family via Facebook.

 A year after Carlos got his new heart, he and his family came down to Orlando to hang out with us for the day. We had a BBQ/pool party. It was a grand time. This year Carlos’s family wanted us to come up and hang out in Boston for a celebration. We went but my emotions were heavy. My nephew’s death is a messy situation that still hasn’t been resolved, but that’s a different story. My brother and his baby mama are at odds and he wasn’t able to go. I didn’t want to go for various reasons, but I couldn’t let my mom and son navigate that terrain alone. 

I was in Boston with my favorite people, but I was surrounded by fake people and strangers. I kept thinking to myself, why am I here? How did I get here? None of my direct decisions bought me to this point, but I had to bare the weight. Like I said earlier I knew I would have to be the patriarch of my family and here’s a concrete example.  I was angry when I was in Boston, but I was excited to travel and see a new city. I did make the most of it. I didn’t want to be there under those circumstances. Being around people who I didn’t like made it even worse, but I saw the bigger picture. Lil Marc really loves Carlos and even though Sean is gone it felt good to see Carlos’s family happy. 

The trip was cool, but things got interesting right before I left Boston. I got to the airport at 4:15 a.m. to check in for my 6 a.m. flight. I was at the kiosk entering my information and it said my flight was canceled. I put my info in like 3 more times to see if I was tripping, I was not! I tried to switch flights but I was unable to because I fly on standby. I had to call my dad and have him put me on another flight. After about 30 minutes he was able to get me on a 7:15 flight to Washington D.C. I would have to wait there till about 4 and catch another flight to Orlando.

When I finally boarded the plane, I was exhausted. I put on my seat belt and fell asleep. When I woke up then plane was completely empty. The flight attendants had to wake me up. I thought it was all a dream, until I looked at my boarding pass and it said Ronald Regan Airport not Orlando International.     

As I walked down the aisle, I wondered what the hell am I going to do in DC for 5 hours. I pondered on this as I walked to baggage claim. I don’t know how long I was asleep, but when I got to baggage claim everyone was gone. My bag sat all alone, waiting to roll off with me. I called my dad and let him know I made it. It was 9 a.m. and my flight didn’t leave until 4:30. I had a lot of time to kill.

After I got out my feelings I went through my Rolodex and looked for my D.C. contacts.  The first person that came to mind was my guy Nolan. If you don’t know Nolan, he’s low key famous. My boy covers congress for the Los Angeles Times. The night before he scooped me, he attended a White House Gala with some important people. He said he saw Kim Kardashian and was able to get pictures with Emmitt Smith and Adam Silver. I shot him a DM on Instagram and he messaged me back and said he would be at the airport in 20 minutes.

We went back to his spot caught up and played the PS5 a for a little bit. We made reservations for brunch. The only down side was that all the lit brunch spots were booked. We went to a Mexican restaurant and had some breakfast tacos. They were pretty fire. The whole situation was ass, but I’m glad I have good friends. Nolan said he was just returning the favor. He did come hang with me in Orlando earlier this year. 

When I finally got on the plane, it was just like the morning plane ride. I fell asleep before the plane took off. I did wake up right before we landed this time.  When I touched down, I had moves to make. I had to get ready for my first day of work and little Marc had school. Marc flew back with my mom, so I had to go get him when I got back. 

Once I got back home, I began preparation for the big day. I picked out my clothes, packed a lunch and went to bed early. My lady took Marc to school for my first day. I was able to get there 15 minutes early. The new job is pretty cool.

The company I work for is called Global-5 Communications. We do public relations for the Florida Department of Transportation.  My two months of work have been awesome according to my supervisor Gabe. My title is Public Relations  Community Outreach Specialist.

My duties include finding events for us to spread information about what the Department of Transportation is doing in community. Also, we maintain their website and handle most of the interactions with the public.  It’s your standard office jobs with major perks. I get out of the office at least two days a week to network or do outreach. Our main goal is to let the public know about what’s going on with the roadways. I am on the Interstate 4 (I4) express team. We do business with most of the major roadways in Florida. 

This job is going to be my stepping stone into another major gig. My goal is to start doing PR for a musician or for a major sports team.  I am a sponge at my job. I take advantage of every opportunity to network and grow as person and as a professional.  Also, I started doing PR for a local artist stay tuned.

Remember when my hammy gave out? My car died that same week. The transmission on the Pontiac went out sometime in late March. I been having car issues since 2016. I think I’ve had 5 cars since 2017. I drove my grandpa’s van until I got a new car in early May.   

It’s a 2014 Chevy Cruz nothing crazy, but it’s pretty reliable. Except for when the battery started acting stupid. I bought the car on a Monday and I was having issues with it on Saturday, five days later. I was livid! On that Saturday I had my first event for my new job. I set us up at a car show. On top of all this my son and I had a track meet to attend. His mom came to the meet as well. 

I had a mini panic attack, but I had no time to sulk. I had to come up with solutions. Coach Richie came and scooped Marc. I had Triple A come and give me a jump so I could get where I needed to be. The event was cool. We just posted up at the table and informed the public about what’s going on with the major roadways in Central Florida.

After the event I was able to get a jump start and get back home. The next day Triple A came to my house and I bought a new battery from the tow truck driver. He installed it in the driveway. I was tight, but I was able to get the situation handled. I didn’t want to spend that money, but I had it so it had to be done. My grandpa’s van had broken down the weekend before and I spent $400 fixing that.  The worse part about that was I was at a car dealership looking at cars.

Again, I was tight about spending that money, but at least I had a few dollars saved up for emergencies.    Other than that, I been getting ready for football season. I’m going into my second year of coaching for the Orlando Outlaws.

This is our REPO season. We lost last year in the state championship game and we’re coming back with a vengeance. We bringing the smoke next year to. The team we lost to lost a lot of their kids because of age. We lost a few kids as well.  

Tough times don’t last tough people do. Last year at this time I was depressed broke and I hated almost everything going on around me. The only positives I had was my son living with at the time, but I was stressful cause I didn’t have a car and I was broke.

My girl and I were getting closer but we didn’t know that casual sex would turn into a full-blown relationship. Also, it was my first-year coaching youth football. Look at how much things can change in a year. I didn’t know how it was going to happen, but I knew great things were coming. It all happened so fast.

 My life went through some major wholesale changes in sense March. I’m now a full-time dad, I got a new job, new car, I quit two jobs. So much change mostly good, a little bad, but I’m here for the growth. I’m completely out of my comfort zone, but that’s where the growth is.  I only have one source of income right now. It’s cool cause I’m going to turn it into three by September. 

[meso-mijali]

Endometriosis

I am going to be making a post that discusses medical procedures. Specifically medical procedures that involve the uterus, ovaries and other such organs. If this is not your jam, I’d recommend not continuing, but if you have any of those organs and get a period, please consider reading, as I don’t want you to suffer like I’ve suffered.

I got my period at 11, and from the time I can remember, they were awful. Truly just atrocious. Back in middle school, I was curled up on the floor in band and was in so much pain a boy I never got along with sat with me to make sure I was okay. I routinely bleed through the heaviest pad available in stores, my underwear, my PJs, my sheets and into my comforter.

I get cramps so bad that I take 8 advil on my first day, and it barely cuts the pain. I get headaches, fatigue, stomach issues, terrible mood swings, back pain and every other symptom of PMS you can imagine.

I brought this up to my doctors (whenever I had insurance) but never went to see a gynecologist because a) insurance was far and few between and b) at the time I lived in the Hamptons, and everything was insanely expensive.

I mention all of this because, if it sounds like you even a little bit GO TO THE DOCTOR. GO NOW.

I have to have a full hysterectomy, and will be down to approximately half to 3/4th of a single ovary. And all of this is because of endometriosis and the fact that it went unaddressed for twenty years.

Endometriosis has been mentioned on this site a lot, and I’m sure most of you are familiar with it; but in case you aren’t, the gist is that the uterine lining crawls out of the uterus itself and grows throughout the abdomen.

In my case, it has glued my ovaries to my uterus and that entire mass to my bladder, and THAT mass to the front of my abdomen. It’s also glued itself to some of my bowels.

I lucked out a little, in that it seems to mostly be scar tissue, so my dr can hopefully avoid doing a bowel resection.

And as far as my ovaries are concerned, they’re supposed to be about 3cmX2.5cmx1.5cm, but mine are a solid 7.5cm square. They’re filled with old blood and uterus lining, and it’s been explained that there’s very little functional ovarian cells left in my right one. If you want nightmares, look up “chocolate cysts”, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If this had been caught earlier, I could have been put on a continued birth control years ago (I am now on nexplanon, which is a progesterone only BC which is implanted in the arm and lasts about 3 years) and maybe saved my ovaries (which are critical until you go through menopause, as not having them to produce estrogen can lead to heart disease, osteoporosis and DEMENTIA!; synthetic can lead to clots and stroke)

Please, please get it looked at if you think this sounds familiar. I had to get a CT scan and an ultrasound, then after they saw the cysts, they preformed an exploratory surgery and confirmed that I have it. I will be having the full hysterectomy in the fall.

The surgery hurt less than my period.

Please see a doctor.

#endometriosis #hysterectomy #medical #surgery #doctor #womens health #period #uterus havers health #uterus #menstruation #pms #sorry for the womens health tag i just want this to get to as many ppl as possible #this is obv applicable for anyone with a uterus

[juuls]

So the good news is I’m not dying (well, let’s give it another 50 or so years then check back on that 😋)

I told a couple people but mostly kept it between my dad and I; at least, I told him stuff before my besties because I’m a daddy’s girl and I wanted comfort and hugs and someone physical to cry on.

And okay, look, what I’ve been experiencing is nowhere near as bad as others have it, but this was the worst case of nauseating gastrointestinal distress I have ever experienced to the point I woke up at 3am this morning, threw up for the 10th day in a row, clutching at my upper abdomen and barely able to walk (no one else was around to help me get there). Anyway, no one wants cramps where they’re not supposed to be on women—felt like when I ruptured an ovarian cyst a few years ago along with kidney stones another time, just felt higher up the abdomen.

Two points about the personnel at hospitals and how people with fibromyalgia get treated. One bad, and one surprisingly good.

The triage nurse told me I shouldn’t be wasting hospital time (there was no else in the waiting room because it was goddamn 5am) and that all ‘normal visits’ should be conducted through general practitioners/family doctors. Never mind the fact that the 2018 census showed 241 doctors for every 100,000 people. Which is abysmal, and I’m so lucky to have the same one for 20 years now. Anyway I told her in a snippy tone (I get bitchy when people imply I’m a hypochondriac or wasting people’s valuable space and resources as a disabled person) that a) it currently takes 6 weeks to get an appt with my doctor and that’s why I book two months in advance, but am shit out of luck if something pops up between all that. Like, I get a d understand and take precautions with Covid. But like??? Sometimes people need to have their abdomen poked and prodded which…

Might actually save my life/or from a long recovery surgery, or a lifetime of having to plan his and grandma’s days around his (I’m now learning: hereditary— thanks grampy) disease. But yeah this female doctor in probably her late thirties comes in and actually TAKES ME SERIOUSLY. I did also start the meet and greet by expressing concern over her doing what countless others have done…. Blame it all on the Fibromyalgia (oh you have a concussion Tommy?? Keep playing, it’s just your fibro!” Bitch please. Anyway. She said she absolutely understood and would help me figure out what feelings were fibro, and which were abnormal for anyone. Reminds me of this tweet I found around this hellsite:

But I’m so grateful she listed and she actually ordered all the blood panels they have available at this rural hospital, took x-rays, did a physical exam… and after all that and the tests she semi-smiled at me and said “well it’s not fibromyalgia” and I about cackled.

But yeah, if you start throwing up for no reason for 10 days in a row (plus some other gross things I shall not mention), please go to the hospital. Apparently I have something fucked up going on in my large/small intestine and perhaps colon. She was worried enough about me, since they don’t have the tech there except x-rays, that she said she’d bully my do tor into seeing me sooner so he can arrange some, uh…. Well; some not bad; some uuuugh…. tests to figure out wtf is going on.

I didn’t even know what was going on! So hard to explain pain when you’re in pain every day. Bah. But she helped and had excellent bedside manners and took me seriously. One of the best feelings as a fibro patient.

Only problem with it not being fibro… is you only have deductive reasoning and tons of tests to do. She told me if I don’t vet these tests done, I could die from a rupture or whatever term she used. Though I do know what sepsis is! Yay! *rolls eyes*

I’m just glad I didn’t talk myself out of going to the ER, because I was worried it ‘wasn’t serious’ enough…. Yeah well, your body can lie to you! Jerk body.

So yeah now I have a plan of action, new medications to hopefully last me until the more thorough tests are conducted.

I don’t want to be (more) sick, but I’ve always believed in knowing what can happen to your body even if it’s a bad thing. And maybe we caught this early.

All I can ask for now is this, though: please please please no more upchucking every day, or at leat only for a few days.

God, it’s been a miserable 10 days, but I still somehow feel better. Knowing does that. :)

(P.S. I’m not intending this as a ‘woe is me’ thing because sometimes people do care about how their friends are doing, and also because I am a hug supporter of listening to your body and judging WHEN not IF you go to the doctor about it. I hope this post helps that attitude somewhat.)

Anywho, we’ll see how the tests do (whenever that may be, because of Covid) and treagmt with meds a d adjust food until I learn more.

Take care. Be safe. Stay well!!!! ❤️

#personal #about me #fibromyalgia #spoonies #chronic illness #doctors #hospitals #stigmatized #aiight i’m exhausted #long day already #almost 12 hours oof and more to come #and i’m already tired just thinking of the changes to my meds and diet #blech #but whatever she gave me at the hospital is nice so far for the nausea but they didn’t give me a script for it #too bad #gastroenteritis #ulcerative colitis #all sorts of ulcers #all possibilities #grrrrr

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Five

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

***

Nesta hates loud noises. She hates loud thunder and loud people and loud machines and loud music, but no one ever understands her when she tries to explain how certain volumes of sound are a direct assault on her senses.

She especially hates yelling, at least when other people are doing it. It’s big and scary and reminds her of Tomas— where her own shrieks feel powerful, being yelled at makes her feel weak.

Except when Cassian snaps at her, it feels different. So different that she can only blink in confusion and say, “Fine.” She’ll go to the stupid doctor.

He didn't scare her. That's what Nesta's still thinking about as she sits in the fluorescent-lit doctor's office with Cassian. He was loud and he was angry, but he wasn't scary. There was the moment where she waited for fear to kick in, and it didn't.

Maybe it's a sign Nesta is finally evolving. Maybe she’s starting to become normal, and she doesn't have to cower every time someone raises their voice at her.

Or maybe it's just Cassian.

The door opens and the doctor returns. “I have your birth control prescription right here.” She waves a slip of paper.

Nesta can't look at Cassian. The worst part of this whole useless doctor's visit was having to discuss her nonexistent sex life in front of him, including why she hasn't bothered taking birth control in years.

The doctor keeps talking. “Birth control isn't the end all, be all. I didn't find anything during our pelvic exam, but I want to schedule you for an MRI anyway.”

Cassian perks to attention at that. “An MRI?”

“It might seem extreme, but I don't want to miss any spots. Ultrasounds can pick up cysts, but there's a chance that whatever is causing your pain is less severe than that. Considering your symptoms and how long this has been going on, we want to save time when it comes to finding answers.”

Cassian turns to Nesta, clearly looking for her reaction. Nesta only sits on the patient bed in silence. All she can think is that she shouldn’t have come to the doctor.

The drive back home is silent, and Nesta doesn’t know whether to be grateful or scream. She both longs for Cassian to say something and never wants him to speak to her again.

A part of her knows what it is. A part of her has always known that there was something fundamentally wrong with her body, but she can’t even think the idea to herself without confirmation.

The snow has just started to melt enough to drive safely back to the house, but Cassian still goes too slow for Nesta’s liking. As soon as he’s parked in the driveway, she’s throwing his truck door open and storming for the warmth of the cabin. She’s in her room for the rest of the day.

That night, Cassian brings a box out to the living room and drops it with an unceremonious thud on the coffee table in front of Nesta. She glances up from her book to eye his gift.

An idyllic countryside landscape graces the lid of the box. It’s a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. She flicks her eyes up to Cassian.

“I’ve always wanted to do it,” he nods to the puzzle, “but it was too big for me to take on alone. Wanna help?”

“No.”

He makes a pleading pout that Nesta knows is entirely for her entertainment. “Please,” he whines. “There’s snow outside and the fire’s going and I just made hot chocolate. The only thing that would make this perfect is a puzzle. Do you hate perfect things?”

“Me reading alone is perfect.” Nesta moves to return to her book.

Cassian’s face is then right before hers. He’s dropped to his knees in front of her. “Nesta,” he says very lowly. “I won’t beg.”

The room is suddenly too hot, and Nesta has to rub a hand over her face to relieve the burning. “You’re begging right now,” she observes as flatly as possible.

He gives her a smile and squeezes her knee. “You might be right. Put me out of my misery.”

Nesta hates him.

An hour later they are hunched over the coffee table together, in complete silence as they search for the final edge piece. They’ve already had three fights over this stupid puzzle, mostly because Cassian is certain that Nesta has all the pieces to his side of the puzzle, and Nesta is certain that Cassian is the worst puzzler ever.

“I hate this,” Nesta mutters as she keeps searching. Her eyes are strained from all this staring and her muscles are starting to ache. “Why did you tell me this would be fun?”

“I don’t know,” Cassian admits as his eyes rove over hundreds of puzzle pieces. “I wanted to make you feel better, but now I feel like shit.”

Nesta is about to reply sardonically when something catches her attention. She gasps. “There, I see it!”

She grabs for the edge piece at the same time Cassian does, and they briefly fight over it before Nesta rips it out of his hand.

“Ow.”

She victoriously fits it into place, completing the border. They sit back, proud of their work.

“How much is left?” Cassian asks.

“Nine hundred pieces.”

“Oh.”

***

The MRI appointment comes and goes. Nesta doesn't note much of it except having to drink a bottle of thick, disgusting liquid before getting scanned, and having Cassian talk her through not throwing it up the entire time.

And then she waits. Or rather, they wait.

It's obvious that Cassian is subtly worried for her, and this paired with Nesta's own worry makes for an uncomfortable, tension-wrought environment. So Cassian does his best to keep her occupied.

He returns to the puzzle with her every night. Even though it leaves them both with headaches and lost arguments and a desire to get away from each other, they have a silent agreement to never skip out on puzzling time. Sometimes a whole chunk of the image gets done; sometimes they only find two pieces after thirty minutes and call it a night, turning a TV show on instead.

It's on one of these ordinary nights that Nesta notices something new.

“How have your sisters been?” Cassian murmurs while hunting for a green piece.

Nesta frowns as she tries and fails to fit her own piece into the puzzle. “You're telling me you don't already know?” Cassian is closer to Feyre than even Nesta is. As for Elain, sometimes Nesta goes weeks without contact with her, not for loving her any less.

He shrugs, but is staring intently at the coffee table. “I haven't talked to Feyre in a while. I’ve just been busy, I guess.”

“Doing what? I see you on the couch every day.”

When Cassian doesn't respond, Nesta feels the need to press. She doesn't consider herself nosy, mostly because she can't be bothered to care about other people's lives, but this is Cassian. And ever since he helped her through her period and sat beside her at the doctor's, she's been open around him in a way she’s never been with anyone before.

“Why aren't you talking to Feyre? Did you guys get in a fight?” She sounds demanding, but Cassian knows by now that's just how she talks.

“No, we didn't fight—” He makes a frustrated noise and rolls a puzzle piece between his fingers. “I don't know,” he finally says. “Do you like your sister?”

Nesta hooks her arm around her bent knee and decides to be honest. “It's complicated. I can't say that if she wasn't my sister I would be able to have civil conversations with her.”

Cassian pulls his knee up and nods, thinking. “Well, it's sort of like that. All these years, I’ve looked at her as my sister, but now I know you better, and… I feel like I know her less.”

“So she's not your sister anymore?”

“No. She's yours.”

Nesta finds this funny, because whatever it is real sisters have, she and Feyre just barely have it.

She drops the topic after that and they keep working, until she finally notices it.

Whenever Nesta shifts her leg, he shifts his leg. Whenever she worries at her lip with her thumb and forefinger, a few moments later he does the same. When she reaches for a puzzle piece, he reaches for a puzzle piece. It seems to be subconscious, but eventually she has to say, “What are you doing?”

“Hm?”

“You’re copying me.” She crosses her arms.

Cassian straightens up. “Am not!”

His gaze follows hers to his arms, which are now also crossed. He drops them quickly. “It’s not intentional,” he insists.

Nesta narrows her eyes at him. She’s done her fair share of mirroring before, usually when she’s trying to manipulate a professor into giving her a better grade, but Cassian doesn’t want to manipulate her. She’s pretty sure. “I believe you,” she states. “Just don’t do it anymore. People might think you’re turning into me.”

He huffs a laugh and turns back to the puzzle. “Take your hair down if it bothers you so much.”

She reaches up to touch her hair, not getting it at first, when she notices her hair is done up the same way as Cassian’s: in a little half-ponytail. Her fingers fiddle with her hair tie as she genuinely considers pulling it out, but in the end she drops her hand.

They match, just like mirrors.

***

Nesta’s spends all of the next day waiting for her MRI results, but when her phone finally rings, it’s not her doctor.

“Lorene?” she answers.

“Today’s your lucky day, hun. It looks like the apartment is gonna be done by the end of the week!”

“Oh.” Nesta doesn’t know what else to say.

“Isn’t that great? You can move back in soon!” Lorene’s enthusiasm doesn’t match up with the storm of feelings going through Nesta right now.

She doesn’t want to leave, she realizes in half-horror. Especially not by the end of the week. “Um, that’s great Lorene,” she says quickly. “I’m really glad, but I have to go now. I’ll call you later, okay?” She does not plan on calling Lorene later.

After a rushed goodbye, Nesta throws her phone on her bed like it’s poisonous. She doesn’t want to think about her old apartment or going back to not having someone to talk to every day, not right now. The puzzle isn’t even halfway finished yet.

Once again, her phone rings. Nesta’s about to ignore it, thinking it’s her landlady again, when she realizes it’s an unfamiliar number. Snatching up the phone, she clicks the screen with nervous thumbs. “Hello?”

“Nesta Archeron?”

“Speaking.”

“This is Doctor Forbes. I have the results of your MRI scan right here and I wanted to go over them with you. Are you free right now?”

***

Nesta doesn’t tell Cassian about either of the phone calls she receives that day. The doctor call isn’t really his business, nor is it important, and as for her landlady’s call…

She doesn’t want to tell him about that call. She doesn’t want to tell him that she has to leave soon, because she doesn’t want to leave at all. So she goes on as if nothing has changed.

This lasts less than twenty-four hours, when Cassian’s attentiveness catches up to her the next morning and he asks if she’s gotten her MRI results yet.

“Yes,” she says flatly as she spreads peanut butter on her toast. Luckily for Nesta, this is something she can handle discussing. There’s nothing for her to be ashamed about.

Cassian straightens up and sets his coffee down. “Well?” he prods. “Did they find anything? Is anything wrong?”

“Yes,” she says again. She takes a bite of toast and says while chewing, “I have moderate endometriosis on my uterus and both ovaries. That’s it, though.”

Something clatters in the kitchen as Cassian drops it. “'That’s it'? Nesta, that’s fucking serious.” He sounds more intense than he’s ever been with her before.

Nesta scoffs, trying to deflect from how quickly the mood dropped. She should have expected his concern, should have known how deeply uncomfortable it would make her. “At least I don’t have cysts. What’s the big deal?”

“You might be infertile.”

There it is. He's such a bastard, always shoving her face into things she isn't ready to face.

On the outside, she lifts a hand sharply to shut him up. “I don't know what makes you think a week’s worth of Google searching makes you a gynecological health expert, but it's none of your business, Cassian. I said I’m fine and I mean it.” Well, everything but her wallet is fine. She can't even think about things like having children when she can barely afford treatment for her endometriosis.

Cassian moves without a word, and then there are two strong arms wrapped around her, holding her so close she can barely move. She makes a sound of protest but stays there, face squished into his chest. Jesus, he’s tall. He nearly has to hunch to put his chin on her head.

Nesta's arms remain stiff at her sides, her hands flexed outwards. “What the hell is this?”

“Just in case you're not fine.”

She is frozen.

When Nesta was little, she used to believe that if she talked about someone enough, they would eventually become real. After all, what more did a mythical king need to exist beyond being talked about? As Nesta grew older, she couldn't help but take notice of the fact that no one ever talked about her. She became ghostly, unsure of whether she was real or not. Who’s to say she exists when she can barely get a word in during a conversation? When at every party, she’s met with unfamiliar eyes that glaze over her like a background character?

She has felt paper-thin and hollow as fiction for so long. But she’s always wondered if someone would just reach out and hold onto her tight enough, if she might become real.

This feels a little like that.

Hesitantly, she lets her arms loosely encircle Cassian’s waist. He's so warm, and a shuddering breath escapes her.

She's fine. She's fine.

***

a/n: *narrator* she was not fine.

i was gonna add more to this and give cassian a pov this chapter, but this seemed like such a good place to leave off and i didn't wanna ruin it. next chapter is going to be more cassian-centric to restore the balance, and if i don't keep changing my plans we’ll see nesta make a friend who isn't cassian (bc she deserves a social life too)

tagging: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @sensitiveillyrian @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @royaltykxx

some tags are refusing to work, sorry :(

#a favor #ncssianwrites #nesta archeron #cassian #nessian #nessian fic #nessian au