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#LISTEN JUST LET ME ENGAGE IN ACTIVE SELF-HARM

waltzingwithspirit · 6 months

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PICK A CARD: MESSAGES FROM THE COUNCIL OF LIGHT

LEFT : 111 ; RIGHT: 333

Disclaimer:

🪈Disclaimer in highlights applies here

🪈Take what resonates and leave the rest

🪈No one is allowed to copy my work under any circumstances

🪈All personal readings are paid. DM to book a personal tarot session.

🌙111🌙 “Better to wait than force things to happen” “I want my life to be beautiful, wild and filled with things I never imagined so forgive me if I ignore everything you think is important and get right to it” “Stop Complaining and Start Doing” “Fulfill your duties towards your body, self, and family, even society, do your part.” Patience is virtue that needs to be restored within you. You want your life to look a certain way, beautiful and wild and like your Pinterest mood baords and for so long you haven’t lived that, you have been engulfed with the noise and drama of the outside world, you waited so long for things you didn’t want, why not be patient for the things that you do, it takes time to undo the social conditioning and live truly free, give yourself some grace. It is not your job to be likeable, your job is to be yourself and the right people will find you. The council of light is reminding you that while you are on your way to fulfil your dream, do not forget to give back. A lot of being gave you comfort in your journey. I can see someone talking to street or colony dogs, and just sitting beside them and telling them about stories of their life, and playing, don’t forget them when things get better, they listened to you when you were in need. Do not forget your roots, sometimes we fly so high we can’t pinpoint where our home is from the clouds, do not forget your home, where you came from, your lineage, your villages, these things matter. They are your anchor. Connect with your loved ones, do some gardening. For some of you: Rescue Animals, help them in any way you can. Comment ‘111’ to claim. 🌙 DM TO BOOK A TAROT READING 🌙 🌙333🌙 “You came with nothing, you will go away with nothing” “You are not aline no matter how you perceive it to be. There is someone praying for you” If you are facing difficulty in making a choice: the council of light says: Make the choice that sets you free, that makes you feel lighter. Check your feelings, does it feel a weird hesitation or disappointment or sadness, even though logically it makes sense? Do not choose that path, please! Let lightness, freedom and joy be your guide in making decisions and you’ll be happy how things turned out in the end. Love yourself more, your day starts when you wake up so create a solid morning routine for yourself, take care of what you are consuming in different aspects like food, water, virtual content, engaging in conversations, everything. Assess this, eat good food that gives you energy and life, engage in manful conversations instead of gossip. Everyday for an hour do something you love, actively. Like you like to draw? Transfer half the time you spend following art content into making your own drawings, they don’t have to be the best, just start doodling even. You have all that you need to become wealthy in the most holistic sense, use them, There is no harm in writing in a pretty journal but you can just start journaling in any dairy whatsoever, sometimes just taking the first step is good enough, do not go in the mindset that I don’t have this so I can’t do this, use the resources you have currently. Comment ‘333’ to claim. 🌙 DM TO BOOK A TAROT READING 🌙

- EL TAROT

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at-your-service-guys · 2 years

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Critical Thinking for Children

There is no doubt that the decisions we make have an essential impact on the quality of our lives. Furthermore, if we want to make sure that we live our finest, most prosperous, and most joyful lives, we need to take deliberate steps towards making these decisions. The word critical thinking is one of the most common terms we hear every day. Nevertheless, perhaps we are not entirely sure what it really means; we think of it as a process of analyzing facts in order to form a judgement. In simple terms, it is described as thinking about thinking.

During the course of her career, Bell Hooks, a renowned cultural critic and liberal educator has been recognized for her essays that examine feminism, class, and racism (Wikipedia Contributors). As Hooks' writings demonstrate, her main concern was to show how race, capitalism, and gender interact to maintain oppressive institutions and systems of ruling dominance. Throughout some of her books, she discusses several issues teachers face inside and outside the classroom. One of the topics in her book particularly entitled Teaching Critical Thinking, focused on the topic of Critical thinking.

Photo by the UW Archives

Bell Hooks argues that in most cases, children are taught that thinking can be harmful from an early age, which results in them no longer finding it enjoyable to think and instead frightening by it. In many homes where parents teach children that obedience is preferred over self-awareness or in schools where it is not acceptable behaviour, children tend to suppress the memory of thinking as a passionate, enjoyable activity (8). As for me, when a child loses his or her drive to think, it can result in withdrawing from the tasks set and constantly complaining of boredom and losing motivation to think to solve things. Moreover, if it continues, they will lose the will to do or believe because they do not know where it will lead. They can't see the relevance of thinking.

Back when I was young, at home, I contemplated a lot because of what I read, saw and watched, to the point where I wanted to know what was next or what the answer was to what I was thinking. One time, I watched something about cooking on television, but I couldn't continue, and the next day I thought critically about what will happen when you add water to hot oil. Of course, I was young then and didn't know what would happen when the two liquids were mixed, so I did it without any guidance. My mother suddenly stopped me when she saw that I was going to do that and scolded me. She didn't tell me what would happen if I did that, so I slowly thought and thought to the point that it was tiring to think, so I stopped. After that, I just played games with my friends and didn't let myself believe anything. That's a child for you. They have a lot of questions and curiosities because of their thinking.

In school, I did not experience a teacher who didn't ask if we had any questions. On the contrary, they were the ones who made us feel comfortable to ask anything and incorporate different types of views. It gives us students a chance to share our own viewpoints while listening to and learning from others, which helps to practice our critical thinking. Additionally, by allowing us to ask questions, mainly open-ended inquiries, teachers allow us, primary school pupils, to apply what we have learned to their lessons and to build on prior knowledge. In addition, it improves our self-esteem and allows us to express ourselves in front of our peers, enhancing our ability to think quickly and solve problems.

Photo by Laowisit, Khunkorn

Based on my experience, what do I want to convey in relation to Bell Hooks' passage on critical thinking? A child's inherent curiosity contributes to the development of their critical thinking skills, and it is imperative that these skills are taught and practised. We must use creativity and curiosity to engage in critical thinking, which requires us to absorb information, analyze it, and make judgments. Children's brains function similarly to libraries, growing as they acquire new knowledge. They must consider how the new information relates to what they already know if any of their preconceived notions are altered by the new information.

An approach to learning that emphasizes critical thinking can enhance children's and student's analytical and logical reasoning skills. Besides improving one's ability to be objective, critical thinking also assists in reaching the right conclusions. When kids are young, they have the potential to learn skills that will last a lifetime. In this way, children can benefit from being exposed to the critical thinking process in school and applying it to all aspects of everyday life.

Allen, J. “Gender, Race, and the Freedom of Ideas.” Wisconsin Alumni Association, 21 Dec. 2021, www.uwalumni.com/news/bell-hooks-obit.

Hooks, Bell. “Critical Thinking.” Teaching Critical Thinking: Practical Wisdom, 1st ed., Routledge, New York, NY, 2009, p. 8.

Laowisit, K. “Asian Student Girl Is Writing Homework and Reading Book at Desk.” Vecteezy, www.vecteezy.com/photo/10110879-asian-student-girl-is-writing-homework-and-reading-book-at-desk.

Wikipedia Contributors. Bell Hooks. 2 Nov. 2022, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell_hooks.

#education #educational #critical thinking #bell hooks #education matters #critical thinking for kids #Critical Thinking Is A Must #critical thinking skills #critical thinking for students #english

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onetimetwotimesthreetimess · 2 years

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Thinking about the whole Alec doing something self sacrificial…..can Alec go live/work on the base in NY? I think that might be something guilty!alec would decide. Somewhere Magnus can’t reach him at all. (kinda like him moving to alicante, where warlocks can’t enter). I mean the man was going to ask to be deployed to have space away from Magnus when they were together. I agree he might cut all contact with Magnus and ask his family not to mention anything about Alec to Magnus? (I doubt they will fully listen). I’m undecided if he will tell Imasu about Magnus cheating (unless Magnus does first?). I think though he will want to ‘make things right’ (like clear his conscience). So he will maybe decide to just let Magnus be happy the way he wants to (with Imasu or not). At the end of the day Magnus went to rehab and everything so he has been trying to better himself and spend time healing (and going grocery shopping or was that just foreplay?!)

You said Alec’s heart can’t take anymore so maybe now he’s just like done (okay…). Probs wants some time away where he doesn’t have to worry about running into Magnus or hearing about him from people or seeing him (and Imasu) trending and the guilt of what he/they did. he will need to apologise to Magnus for saying so many mean things in the next fight? So maybe he will write him a super angsty and sappy letter? Give it to Imasu to give to Magnus? Magnus will find it a few days later in Imasu’s jacket or bag and break down and go look for Alec at the loft …….but it will be empty and the only thing on the counter is the engagement ring Alec never gave to Magnus.

What did i just write. Why does this feel like a scene straight out of ‘the notebook’. My brain is too active. I thought about this too much 🤷😭🥸 help please. I am very aisibsishsbs right now hhahaha.

I AM LOVING THESE THEORIES LMAO Y’ALL TRULY OUT HERE GOING OUT OF YOUR MINDS RIGHT???

I respect the dedication.

And this seems straight out of a novel lmao this is such an Alec thing.

Alec’s self sacrificial tendencies are a big problem. I think it’s a good quality but only to a limit. You can’t keep sacrificing your happiness for other people. Alec needs to understand this too. That’s a big part of his character arc in LRHWY.

So no, Alec won’t run away. His family lives here. His home is here. In the last chapter, Alec refrained himself from self-harming right? He’s trying to work on his self harm/self sacrifical tendencies. But he’s obviously not perfect at that. He is learning. So he won’t be running away. But he’s Alec so he will still do something stupid lmaoooo (I said he’s learning. He’s not fully there sksjsksk)

me after reading this ask -

#y’all are truly spiralling down huh #LRHWY

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plannedparenthood · 3 years

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8 Conversation Tips on the Importance of Sex Education

We each bring our individual sparkle to video gatherings. So, make a commitment to let your advocacy shine during Zooms with friends and family! Support the movement for bodily autonomy by illuminating your next video chat with insights about the state of sex education in America.

We know — starting a conversation with your family (or with anyone over video) can seem awkward. Don’t worry! We’ve got 8 tips to sail through the convo.

Tip #1: Get the conversation going in a way that’s welcoming.

If you’re at a virtual hangout, share how important education is to you. Encourage each person to share the topic they believe is essential for young people to learn.

When the time is right, say something like: “For me, sex education is one of the most important forms of education a young person can have today.”

Tip #2: Take Time for Q&A

Ask the adults:

“What do you remember about your own sex education?”

“If you received sex education, what would have made it more helpful?

“If you have kids, how would you like sex education to be taught to them?”

Ask any young people on the call: “Do you have thoughts about or experiences with sex education that you feel comfortable sharing?”

Ask everyone: “Would you like to hear some facts about sex education and where we are as a country with it?” If people seem engaged, then move to Tip #3.

Tip #3: Explain what sex education is and why it’s important to talk about.

Sex education is more than just putting condoms on bananas. It's even beyond sexually transmitted infection (STI) prevention and avoiding unintended pregnancy! Sex education is a foundation for our development as people.

Sex education helps young people make healthy decisions about their bodies, relationships, and how they express their gender and sexuality — without fear or shame.

Sex education covers a wide range of age-appropriate topics, such as:

Physical dimensions of sexuality, like puberty, pregnancy, and STIs

Emotional dimensions of sexuality, such as feelings of connection and self-esteem

Identity and sense of self, including gender identity and personal values

Healthy relationships, including platonic relationships, intimate relationships, and dating

Communicating boundaries, including both listening and speaking up

Tip #4: Drop some knowledge about the benefits of and public support for sex education in America.

The benefits: Sex education is proven to increase safer sex and help young people prevent unintended pregnancy. It’s also linked to reducing transphobia, homophobia, and sexual assault.

The support: Public opinion overwhelmingly supports sex education across geographic and political lines. Among parents of middle and high school students, over 80% believe sex education is important for middle schoolers, and 98% believe it's important for high schoolers.

The problem: Too few young people get the sex education they need and deserve.

Tip #5: Explain what’s getting in the way of sex education at the state level.

Almost every state has some guidance on how and when sex education should be taught, but decisions are often left up to individual school districts.

That means state and local politicians decide whether or not educators can discuss birth control; how educators can talk about LGBTQ+ experiences (if at all); and how much educators must stress abstinence until marriage.

Only 30 states and the District of Columbia mandate sex education. But just because a state mandates sex education doesn’t mean that it’s good or comprehensive! Of the states that mandate sex education, very few have high-quality standards:

Only 20 states and DC require information about contraception.

Just 17 states require what’s taught to be medically accurate.

Merely 11 states require sex education to have LGBTQ+ content and inclusive language.

Tip #6: Explain the problems with abstinence-only-until-marriage programs.

Abstinence-only programs:

Focus on deterring students from having sex, often by scare tactics and withholding information

Often blame survivors for their own sexual assaults and ignore the needs of LGBTQ+ teens

Leave a population of sexually active people uninformed and vulnerable

Studies show that abstinence-only programs are ineffective — they don’t decrease STI or unintended pregnancy rates.

Studies also show that abstinence-only programs are harmful — they reinforce damaging gender stereotypes, stigmatize or exclude gender nonconforming people, and violate a basic human right of young people to access accurate health information.

Despite all this, Congress poured $2.1 billion taxpayer dollars into abstinence-only-until-marriage programs between 1996 and 2018.

Tip #7: Say what people can do to help.

Encourage your friends and family to share local and national news about sex education on social media, along with what they may have learned in this conversation.

You can also encourage people to contact their members of Congress and advocate for sex education, such as by:

Ending federal funding for programs that promote abstinence-only-until-marriage, gender stereotypes, and medically inaccurate information

Supporting initiatives that promote sex education and access to sexual health services for young people — like the Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program, the Personal Responsibility Education Program, and the Real Education for Healthy Youth Act

Tip #8: Thank everyone for having the conversation with you.

Express heartfelt gratitude for each person who joined in the conversation, and any person who just listened.

Whether the conversation was challenging or a breeze, remember this: It could be a gateway to other meaningful interactions about issues you care about.

Pat yourself on the back for taking this big step!

#sex education #let's talk about sex #sex ed #conversations #abstinence #abstinence-only #abstinence-only programs #Sex Ed for All

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venhedish · 3 years

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In light of a certain wincest-adjacent blocklist making the rounds and some friends of mine getting smacked with the purity hammer, I have things to say for anyone who would like to listen!

In my experience, antis are more concerned with the rush they get from being angry and feeling morally superior than they are with actually engaging critically with us, the text, or themselves to understand why they feel the way they feel.

This is not actually about the incest thing and it never has been. Incest in the SPN fandom is being used as a dog-whistle to draw a dividing line between us and them, and it’s that shitty black-and-white thinking that tons of young people are falling victim to because it’s wrapped up with a bow that presents a neat little package: incest bad. We can all agree on that, can’t we? But what’s so insidious is that this new-Victorian purity movement is only cloaked in a signifier of moral purity. What it actually is is a giant, authoritarian flag waving in the air, inviting the anti-intellectual to join together behind a concept that sounds righteous on the surface but is actually being used to bully, harass, and harm people who are often already marginalized out of their own communities.

One thing to look out for in particular that absolutely fascinates me is the way language is used as an exclusionary, self-selective force that reinforces these boundaries. Go to any one of the big heller/anti-wincest blogs and look at the way they talk to each other. To be clear, almost all groups will eventually start developing a shorthand that makes them easily identifiable to each other, but sometimes I’ll check out that side of tumblr and legitimately feel like we’re speaking two different languages.

This is a really common thing that happens with political and religious movements and it’s happening here for similar reasons! If you’re on the fringes of fandom and you like destiel and you join tumblr or twitter or wherever these communities are active and you do a search for your ship, you’ll find some blogs that seem really cool and have interesting stuff to say, but they’re full of in-jokes and weird terms and meme language. And because you want to fit in—to understand the community you’re joining—you dive deeper, you search back through history and pick up pieces here and there until you finally get it. And by that point, you’ve basically indoctrinated yourself. You’re doing their work for them, essentially.

This kind of thing is done on purpose for two reasons: it helps to signify that people using this language have passed a litmus test that proves this person is one of us, and it makes it harder for the outsider to engage with you on even footing. I mean, this sounds fucking ridiculous, but how the fuck is an intellectually honest person supposed to engage critically with someone who attacks them by calling them J*red-kin??? (I just made that up but I can 100% imagine a heller using it as an insult). I’m not saying this is done on purpose in the SPN fandom. I mean, maybe a little by people who are shit-stirring on purpose, but this kind of thing just happens and it’s very hard to catch on to. We’re all guilty of it. Language is crazy flexible and always shifting and we flex and shift with it as popular phrases come and go.

Look, all I’m saying is that if you actually think about the response to wincest from the heller community, you realize how flimsy their platform really is. Reading and writing about fictional brothers fictionally fucking each other harms no one, and anyone with a brain who actually cares knows this! That’s why the anti-wincest crowd isn’t citing articles or research about the dangers of portraying incest in fiction – because they don’t exist! We can, of course, talk about the impact that uneven power dynamics in real life incestuous relationships have on victims of such abuse, how most people who are sexually abused are abused by a family member, how to be aware of grooming techniques and watch out for red flags that point towards abusive behavior. But we don’t! Because that’s 👏 not 👏 what 👏 it’s 👏 about 👏

Instead, it’s just an overflowing bandwagon jammed full of empty ideas and a lot of people getting hurt because of it. Innocent – let me say it again: INNOCENT people who are exploring sexuality, trauma, relationship dynamics, and just plain old having a good time minding their own business in an ethically safe and victimless way are being threatened and harassed and told to die. Wonder which one is actually more damaging and morally bankrupt. 🤔

Anyway, imagine a world where the purity police got their way. There’d basically be no safe literature left. Nabokov? Cancelled. Rushdie? Salinger? Ginsberg? All cancelled. Imagine antis whole-cloth discarding hundreds of years of religious tradition because of all the shit the gods got up to! This is the same line of thinking that made a generation of moms believe that violent video games led to real-world violence. Fiction has never, ever, been meant to only tell pure stories. The whole world of literature would be narrowed down to, like, a couple cautionary tales and picture books if anti culture could somehow actually reach the inevitable praxis of its desire.

Taboos have always been sexy. It’s okay to explore them through the medium of fiction. It’s literally the safest, most ethically responsible thing you can do. Please, please don’t let a functionally illiterate hive-mind convince you otherwise!

For an amazing resource to learn more about anti culture and how troubling it is, check out @freedom-of-fanfic. It’s an awesome blog to browse if you’re even a tiny bit interested in this kind of thing!

#ven creates #anti culture #purity culture #wincest #fandom wank #spn #supernatural #my thoughts #long post #thanks for coming to my ted talk #feel free to reblog

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xthunderbolt · 3 years

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Why do you think that Sloth is so aggressive toward Kuro? Both him and Gear hinted at the fact that he's always been violent with Kuro. For him representing the sin of sloth, he acts more into the sin of wrath. Even when Kuro goes into his inner world to take the power back, Sloth tells him that he's able to hit him /again/ ("hit" in furigana/see the notes Kitty posted for that translation). The other inners aren't like this with their hosts, so why do you think Inner Sloth is with Kuro?

Because his host is destroying himself. Because his host is working against him instead of working with him. Because his host is drowning in self hate instead of accepting them.

And now that y'all know about my alters I can go a little bit deeper into the whys and the hows related to this.

But putting it under a cut because there will be mentions of s**f ha** and triggers related to it.

A host and an alter are and feel like two (or more) people sharing one body. When one takes over the body (in our case Inner Kuro) they take over everything that body has. The feelings, the thoughts, the scars and the wounds. The needs, the pain and every. little. thing. they have.

This means that both of them are affected by the state of the body.

And Kuro was neglecting himself to the point that their body was giving up. Remember how Mahiru found him?

Who knows for how long he stayed in such a weak state before Mahiru found him... And by weak I'm meaning both physically and mentally.

Because as fragile as servamps seem to be, they are not weak. If Kuro killed Sensei 200 years ago, then chances are that he spent all those 200 years without the blood he told Mahiru he needs. And he also spent 200 years in pure agony born from his regrets and the conditions he was forced to tolerate as a stranger and as a stray cat.

They were 200 years in which he forced Inner Kuro to suffer too.

Also sharing this picture too because it's cute and I love it.

Now, how can we expect Inner Kuro to act calm, to act slothy, when Kuro forces him to live like that too? Of course he'd get angry. Or wouldn’t he?

A few years ago, when I struggled with self hate and self disgust, I engaged into severe self harm and self destructive activities - and hell if my alters (I only had Thunder and Storm at that time) didn't make me live through an even bigger nightmare than I was already living in. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

They were angry, they were furious, insulted me, hit me, took control over me without asking, even refusing to let go sometimes - everything just to make me stop hurting them too, as Storm put it. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

It's. The exact. Same thing. With Kuro. And Inner Kuro.

Kuro doesn’t listen. Kuro doesn’t want to hear, to see, to understand. So Inner Kuro has to force all these on him, and we have seen the effects it has on Kuro. And there's more. Wanna know what else happens to those alters when you lose control over yourself and that inner pain? They take over your body. Literally.

And it's because they're scared. They're as scared as you are in those moments. It's because they want to protect both of you.

Inner Kuro punishes him, yes. But Inner Kuro also forces him away from the self destruction. It's a twisted way, but it's the only thing alters can do when their hosts ignore them. It's the only thing they can use. It's practically like when you slap your friend for being an idiot.

Inner Kuro is protecting Kuro even if that sometimes means that he has to knock him down and take control over the body. It's just to protect them both from farther abuse and farther danger.

Now you might think: "bUT ThunDEr! WheN Inner Kuro tooK oVer Kuro, hE tRied to kiLL everYOne."

I know. It's because he was scared and angry. For now I say this.

Now, the way he teases him? The way he mocks him anytime someone seems to push him away from the darkness he's in?

Because it's what he too wants from Kuro. It's what he too needs from Kuro.

See the way he talks to him?

He's asking Kuro to tell him that he needs him. He's making him ask for his collaboration, for his help, for his guidance. Why?

This is why. Because alters also want to be useful and needed. Just like we do.

In the second one, he wants Kuro's attention. His affection.

Because alters also need affection and their freedom as much as you do.

Since they're personalities, persons, identities or whatever you wanna call them, they will need you to not ignore them, they will need you to collaborate, they will need you to be their friend not their enemy, they will need you to let them feel useful, to let them feel alive and free too.

When I used to ignore Thunder and the others, they did everything to get my attention, to make me accept them, and to win me over. And you know how?

They made me do messed up things "for fun" because that "fun" for them was the only time I didn't ignore them. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Sounds like Kuro and Inner Kuro, doesn't it?

They also made me lose friends. They criticized me. Teased me. Abused me. Isolated me when my fears would kick in instead of helping me the way they do now. Again, sounds familiar, doesn't it?

And why? Because I used to deny them. I used to ignore them, to push them away, to act as if they're not real. And what does Kuro do to Inner Kuro? And what does Inner Kuro do to Kuro in return?

It's. the exact. same. thing.

Inner Kuro is being aggressive with Kuro because Kuro doesn't accept him.

He's being aggressive with Kuro because Kuro doesn't understand that they're a team. He doesn't understand that they're one and that they need each other.

I also talked about people not understanding the concept of the seven sins here.

We have the same story here, about Inner Kuro "acting like wrath", as you put it.

With all this, is Kuro giving Inner Kuro a reason to be slothy? Can he act slothy when he has to watch, and to feel, Kuro destroying them both?

What do you do when you see someone not eating, not fighting, someone who hurts and neglects themselves? Don't you take action? Don't you get scared and angry to watch them slowly fade away before your eyes because of their acts? Don't you make them eat, don't you pull the poison or the blade out their hands, don't you try to talk to them?

And what about when they ignore you? What about them ignoring your terrified screams and yells? Can your actions still remain on the slothy side? Can you still tell them "let's go and watch TV"? Can you still tell them "go and take a nap"?

This is how alters are too. This how Inner Kuro is with Kuro. Kuro doesn't listen to him, so Inner Kuro has to use other methods to save their body. He has to use other methods to push Kuro into that self care and self protection that we learned as laziness.

Because it doesn't matter if that body is immortal, it can still suffer. And it makes Inner Kuro suffer too.

And now add to that suffering the pain of being pushed away and abandoned with one single insignificant part of you blocked within that self destructive body, unable to fight again with more than just some stupid words. Add that pain to the fact that all you wanted was to have a connection and be useful and all you got in return was the anguish of watching your host replace you with mental illness and other people.

Can he still act slothy?

#servamp #servamp manga #sleepy ash #kuro servamp #servamp of sloth #inner kuro #inner sloth #thunderask

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ebp-brain · 3 years

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the wolfstar fandom and the problem of gender policing

To begin with: some gay men are femme, and that’s okay. Some are not, and that’s also okay. When someone is telling you that only a certain gender presentation is allowed from a fictional character, that’s not activism or advocacy; that’s gender policing. Even if you’re a woman or nonbinary person writing about cis gay men, it’s still gender policing—you are allowed to explore the full range of gender and sexuality in your own life and art. It’s easy to be taken in by statements on Tumblr about How To Write Good Queer Representation, because we want to be good people, and we understand that the language we use and the stories we tell are important. But our desire to be good people can be manipulated until we don’t recognize that we are participating in harmful behavior, or that we are being impacted by bullying.

If you’re in the Wolfstar fandom and you’re feeling alienated, lonely, confused, hurt, or angry because of things you’ve been hearing about what Sirius’ gender presentation “should” look like: you are not alone. There has been a longstanding problem in this fandom (for at least two years as of early 2021) with some vocal, active, popular fan writers telling other people how they should depict Sirius’ and Remus’—especially Sirius’—relationship to gender and sexuality. Generally, they suggest that depicting gay men as femme or feminine is homophobic. In particular, they say that writing/drawing Sirius as femme, feminine, flamboyant, short, “whiny,” or a sub or bottom is Bad. The logic is that because there’s a stereotype about gay men being feminine, all depictions of feminine gay men are homophobic. Because these voices are so loud and have such intense, aggressive support, it is easy to feel that you are Bad if you disagree with them, or to think that you’re alone in your disagreement. You’re not.

It’s important to recognize that this group of people is engaging in bullying. Not “wank,” not “discourse,” not “drama”—bullying. When you see them targeting other people’s work, it may seem like a petty personal dispute, or on the other hand like a legitimate conversation about gender and sexuality; it is neither. These folks are friendly, welcoming, and supportive right up until the moment someone disagrees with them—and then they attack that person and demand an apology. Because they use the language of social justice, and because they’re only antagonistic to people who question them openly, it’s easy to think they’re courageously protecting vulnerable people and standing up for what’s Right. But they aren’t. They are using their own identities and feelings to dictate how everyone else should behave while disregarding other people’s identities and feelings.

They claim that Sirius shouldn’t be written as “stereotypically gay” (i.e. feminine) because it hurts gay men; they claim that they are fighting homophobia. What they are really doing is gender policing. Awhile back, they started off by saying “Sirius shouldn’t always be feminine or always bottom in all fic.” Sure, true enough. But then it became “Sirius should never be feminine and never bottom.” And then it became “Sirius should never be short and whiny” (because those are apparently feminine traits). And now it seems to be “no one should ever depict cis gay men as feminine.” Allegedly because that’s “stereotyping,” but in practice this idea shames femme gay men, nonbinary femme folks, and any trans men who can’t or don’t want to present as masculine. It is gender policing disguised with social justice language.

Here are some red flags to look out for in the Wolfstar fandom—phrases that signal that you might be reading something that’s participating in gender policing, even if it doesn’t seem like it on the surface. They include:

“short, whiny Sirius”;

“let Sirius top”

“stereotypical gay man” (in the context of men being written as femme, not in the context of like…shitty mass media representation from the 90s)

“let men be men”

“women writing m/m” used in a derogatory way

and a couple that seem totally innocuous, even good, but mean something different in this context, like:

“being gay shouldn’t be your whole personality”

“topping or bottoming shouldn’t be your whole personality”

I’ve heard quite a few people talk about their feelings of isolation, confusion, self-doubt, frustration, and shame as a result of the bullying that’s been happening over the past few years in this fandom. Lots of people have left Wolfstar or Tumblr because of it. The good news is that a lot of Wolfstar folks are still out there: much of the fandom is flourishing on Discord, on Ao3, and in private messages. You can find your people! They’re the ones who actually listen respectfully to what you say, don’t shame you for mistakes or disagreements, and practice kindness and care.

And please look out for yourself. Try to recognize when your feelings of shame or guilt are a result of coming into contact with bullying and manipulation. Try not to accidentally spread transphobic and effeminophobic (anti-feminine) ideas and language; really think through what a post is saying before liking or reblogging it. And if you’re feeling hurt by what’s been said about gender expression within this fandom, know that you have lots of support and solidarity. We’re still around—we’re still around, and we love all your gender-related headcanons: we love a burly bearded biker Sirius; we love a five-feet-in-socks Sirius with a tendency towards dramatic temper tantrums; we love Sirius in lipstick and Sirius in crop tops and Sirius in ripped jeans. We love power bottom Sirius and ace Sirius and dom Sirius in high heels and Sirius who doesn’t care about how he has sex as long as it’s with Remus. We love Sirius who thinks being a trans man is the most important part of who he is and Sirius who thinks being a trans man is simply a basic fact of life. We love your fics and art and posts that explore your own weird complicated messy queer relationship to gender and sexuality. Of course we do. <3

(Also: I’ve got Big Anxiety and may or may not respond to comments on this post. I definitely will not respond to comments purposely misrepresenting my argument. I feel no particular need to defend myself; everyone can decide for themselves whether they think what I say is valid, and if I’m silent in response to criticism it’s not because I can’t think of a solid response—it’s because I don’t think responding is going to help myself or anyone else have a better experience on Tumblr and in this fandom. I’ll try to answer genuine, in-good-faith questions if I have the wherewithal to do so, and if you want to just message me and chat or say hi or share headcanons, I’d love that!)

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kkoumiii · 2 years

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Hii hru? Could i please request a personality reading for itzy yeji please?

Thank you in advance❤

P.S. I love your blog/page sooooo much and i think that you're a very honest person.I hope the future is bright for you and whatever you wish for comes true😘

Hiii dear anon! I'm finally back after a looong time! Thanks for your patience and for your sweet words, you can't imagine how much they mean to me 🥺 I wish you the same, with many blessings ❣

/!\ Friendly reminder that my readings are not to take at face value, I do not mean any harm to this idol, it’s only for entertainment purpose. /!\

✧ 𝐇𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐘𝐞𝐣𝐢 ➵ 𝑃𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦 ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-

✾ ᵖʳⁱᵉˢᵗ (ˡⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵃᵗᵗʳⁱᵇᵘᵗᵉ), ᵐᵉʳᶜᵘʳʸ, 7 ᵒᶠ ᵖᵉⁿᵗᵃᶜˡᵉˢ ʳˣ

⇝ Yeji is not the type to worry a lot, she just trusts the process. She may think that the most important is to work hard and she’s aware that she can’t control external events, so she lets things unfold naturally. That’s why I will say that she’s pretty laid-back, but it doesn’t prevent her from being worried from time to time. Whenever this happens, she tries to not think too much about it and focus more on the future. She won’t stay stuck on it, she knows it’s only a difficult phase anyway. She relies a lot on her intuition to take decisions, specially when it comes to new projects. I think she is reasonable but sometimes she feels unexplainable things that push her to go in a certain direction, and that can make her appear like a risk-taker and an impulsive person when all she did was trusting her intuition. And generally, when she does follow it, good things happen to her, that’s why she may have learnt to trust it more. She also listens to her needs and thinks about the consequences of her decisions and actions. I can tell she’s really self-aware, body and mentally-wise. Once she engages into something, she will give her all to make it work.

✾ ˢᵗᵘᵈᵉⁿᵗ (ˢʰᵃᵈᵒʷ ᵃᵗᵗʳⁱᵇᵘᵗᵉ), ˡᵉᵒ, ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵒᵒⁿ ʳˣ

⇝ I sense like she may be seen as a bossy and know-it-all person sometimes. She likes to lead and she learns quickly, so she’s able to adapt to others to help them and teach them what she learnt. If I can picture this, imagine ITZY are taking a dance lesson: if we forget that she’s already the leader of the group, Yeji would naturally and easily learn the choreography as if she already knew it, and since she would be in advance, she would help her members as best as she could with it. Even if she means well, sometimes it’s probably not really appreciated if the related person didn’t ask directly for her help. She might give the impression that she looks down on them and that she knows better than everyone else even if it’s not the case. Her confidence can sometimes be mistaken as arrogance whereas she’s just aware of her capacities. Yeji seems to be confusing and hard to grasp for people who don’t know her, they many have many unjustified prejudices. In reality, she only does everything in her own way, she pours her heart into her activities, and she naturally has a lot of charisma. For this reason, she may attract a lot of jealousy, and people might think that she’s cocky and she thinks highly of herself. She doesn’t really care about what others might think though. Actually, she might hide behind this “know-it-all” and “master” mask to protect herself, but it’s only a façade.

✾ ᵐᵒᵗʰᵉʳ (ˡⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵃᵗᵗʳⁱᵇᵘᵗᵉ), ˢᵒᵘᵗʰ ⁿᵒᵈᵉ, 8 ᵒᶠ ˢʷᵒʳᵈˢ

⇝ Typically, Yeji isn’t here to make friends, she wants to go directly to the point and do things in her own way without worrying of what is expected from her. She knows why she’s here and she’s focused on her goal but one more time, this can be seen in a wrong way. Many people might think that she willingly puts some distance and she’s haughty. The way I see it, I feel like she learnt at a young age to take care of herself, because she understood quickly that no one would do it for her. That may be why she developed her intuition a lot and takes her decisions without worrying about others’ approval or opinion. In this way, she helps other people trust the process and keep moving. She’s okay with the fact that everything doesn’t always happen as originally planned, but that it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s something bad. She knows that nothing is set in stone. Yeji’s resources aren’t very much material but more internal ones. She takes care of herself first so she can provide for others as best as she can. Even if her priorities might be perceived as egoism, she thinks about her well-being first (as everyone should but that’s another subject-). She doesn’t let her fears get the best of her, she overcomes every obstacle and relies on what she has already been through to move forward. Overall, I can tell Yeji is very guarded-up and independent, and you have to break through her shell to see her more caring and reassuring side. She’s very much like a guide, and she encourages her loved ones to step out of their comfort zone. It might seem uncomfortable and scary at first because she isn’t the type to butter people up, she just tells things the way they are, but she pushes others to become the best version of themselves. She’s able to see everyone’s potential and encourages them to take actions.

She's really inspiring! Wish her the best <3

My exams will be over soon, so I will be more active! Thanks for your request anon 🥰

Bye 🍒

- kkօմตííí ❁

#itzy tarot #itzy reading #itzy yeji #personality reading #tarot reading #itzy #kpop tarot #yeji tarot #yeji

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thedreadvampy · 3 years

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talking to my mum last night and getting fucked up about the degree of trauma my grandparents' generation faced and how. unwilling and ill-equipped the care system is for the obvious fact that there's a huge incidence of PTSD and complex lifelong mental health issues in those generations

grannie was 17 when she became a nurse and she was working immediately in London at the height of the Blitz. her first day she saw blown apart children and had to comfort their parents. she was almost hit by a rocket cycling home.

grandpa spent the whole war in labour camps before being trapped behind the Iron Curtain in the ruins of Dresden, almost dead from starvation from the camp, for another 3 years before making it back to Blackpool to find out his parents had died in his absence.

granny got radiation sickness at 13 from being put under an X-ray with no protection and forgotten about for hours; she lost all her hair and developed chronic pain and health problems. after years of severe physical, emotional and sexual abuse from her family and the men around her, she got engaged to an American pilot who was shot down and killed in the last month of the war. her former boyfriend came back a dissociative shell of his pre-war self and she ended up trying to raise three small children on her own, with her family at the other end of the country and her husband often having violent flashbacks and outbursts of rage. she was suicidal and had violent psychotic breaks and got institutionalised and medicated on and off her entire adult life.

like. it isn't just the war. people born in the early-mid 20th century, especially women, have been subject to so much sexual trauma, domestic and social violence, bigotry, and grief on grief on grief.

with my granny, it's entirely understandable that she was 'mad'. when I knew her, she was on heavy daily dosage of lithium - she stopped because it was destroying her gut after 30 years and she became violently aggressive, vindictive, scared, psychotic, paranoid, frequently delusional and extremely abusive. She was terrified of doctors because of her repeated experiences with medical abuse, she was furious with everyone around her, she coldly hated her husband and seemed actively happy when he died, and the thing is all of that makes perfect sense because she was profoundly and repeatedly traumatised for at least the first 50-60 years of her life.

but the thing that worries and answers me is that the elder care system and the mental health system are completely unwilling to engage with the fact that many many many old people have severe pre-existing mental health conditions. after all, how many of us have PTSD or psychotic episodes or bipolar or BPD or special care needs related to autism or OCD or ADHD or whatever? those don't just Cease To Exist after a certain age. and our parents and our grandparents grew up in times with much less support for mental health and much less awareness of trauma. granny's early traumas were familial but she was institutionalised repeatedly and treated appallingly throughout her life and that's in itself traumatic.

when granny was 82 and she stopped taking her lithium, she was frail, ill and a danger to herself and others.

they put her on a dementia ward when she was sectioned because she was Old, and Old Mad People Are Demented. but she didn't have dementia! she had chronic PTSD and paranoid delusions but she knew who, where and when she was and she was perfectly sharp, she just wasn't coping. when we went to visit her she'd say furiously 'they think I'm like the other people in here but I'm not, I'm not losing my marbles, I've always been this way'

none of us got any support looking after her while she was in hospital or after she left the inpatient ward - nobody checked in on grandpa while she was in hospital or on weekend release, and after she was released Dad looked after her single-handed while trying to deal with his dad's death. (she may have murdered grandpa while on weekend release, or he may have died of heart failure - either way when she went off the rails after 20 years stable, he gave up on life and I me and my sibling (for the record we were 10 when she left hospital) listening to her trying to continue unpicking her past trauma was I think the most therapy she got after she left.

she couldn't go into a regular elder care home because she was too unstable, she needed specialist mental health care and she sometimes needed to be constrained for her own safety and that of other people. residential mental health care facilities weren't equipped to deal with her needs as a woman in her 80s. she couldn't go into dementia care, which is about the only residential care available for old people with serious mental health needs, because she didn't have dementia and it would have been utterly inappropriate and harmful for her and the other residents. she lived to 93 and for the last 11 years of her life it was up to Dad and us to look after her in her home because there was simply nowhere else for her to go.

and what really fucks me up is that she wasn't past help. a lot of people thought she was but when she left hospital she was trying really hard to continue therapy on her own without a therapist, she drew and wrote about her life and memories and she used to sit opposite me and open up in a way I now utterly recognise as trauma therapy, she would try to find ways to talk about what had hurt her and state into the middle distance for tens of minutes trying to get it together enough to continue. she wanted to do the work. but the only people there for her were her son who was shellshocked from losing his dad and traumatised from effectively losing his mum again and who was spending all his energy just trying to get through work and home and get her physical needs met, and a couple of preteen children who had the will but not the capacity to help. we were barely holding ourselves together (mum drove granny places but mostly her capacity was being spent being about the only support Dad or us could get) and we just couldn't meet the work of a trained therapist. and eventually she gave up on getting better and got angrier and more bitter and more abusive to everyone. but she wanted to feel better. she wanted to deal with her shit. but there was no support.

and there must be thousands of people like her. older people with lifelong trauma and mental health issues who are too mentally ill for elder support and too old for mental health support. and the MH system doesn't think they're worth the resource cost because after all they're old, they'll die soon. but where are they meant to go? and how much harm does unsupported home care do to the person in need of care and to the people carrying for them? it just multiplies trauma down the generations. you can't just expect mental illness to only affect the young when the old have been just as traumatised and you can't treat them as separate issues when old people need carers who are qualified to deal with both their age and their mental health issues.

like yes many people develop late life mental health issues like Alzheimers and dementia, just as many people become disabled for the first time by age. but a lot of people are disabled or mentally ill for decades before they reach anything approaching elderly, and those things don't suddenly go away and don't have the same support needs as late-life issues.

idk. I'm very angry. if there was recognition of the need to support older people with lifelong trauma then my grandpa wouldn't have died hopeless and unsupported, my granny might have got her life back and got some healing after 80 years of living in fear, my dad wouldn't have had his own mental breakdown and slide into paranoia and conspiracy theory, and me and my siblings wouldn't have lost our whole adolescence trying to shore up two badly neglected adults' catastrophic mental health while under constant fire.

literally a ten minute weekly phone call with grandpa while granny was in hospital and weekly follow-up talk therapy for her after she was discharged could have made so much difference but nobody fucking cared. because she was Old. she was in the hospital because she was a danger to the people around her and they discharged her for the weekend as a trial run and her husband died suddenly while she was in the house and she seemed totally unbothered and they still. let her out for good two weeks later with no followup care or therapeutic follow-up and no support or advice for Dad on looking after her. they started talk therapy in hospital and then dropped her abruptly and left her raw and cracked open without any way to put herself back together. and she isn't unique it's just. Careless. and so destructive.

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daily-dose-of-imagines · 3 years

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ꜰᴏʀɢᴇᴛ ᴍᴇ ɴᴏᴛ | ᴋᴀɪ ᴄʜɪꜱᴀᴋɪ x ꜰ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ | ᴏɴᴇ-ꜱʜᴏᴛ

Y’all thought it was oVER? lolol Blame Admin T--- I asked her who I should write for BNHA and she said this SO ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ As always, thank you all so much for the love and support for this blog~! I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did with writing it~!

I do apologize if I don’t capture his character the best ;;”

I won’t lie, I was listening to Might U as I was writing this.

» » Admin Ko

Tedious. At least, that’s what it should’ve been. Yet instead of feeling the normal bouts of irritation at the lack of control he had over the situation at hand, he felt...unnerved. The imaginary seed that was implanted in his stomach all those months ago seemed to only gain in mass.

“...Who are you?”

He shouldn’t have allowed himself to grow these...feelings. Not only did he feel contaminated and utterly sick to his stomach, but the strange ache in his chest did nothing to help soothe his frazzled nerves as those curious yet dim (e/c) hues peered into his sorrowful golden ones.

“...My name is Chisaki Kai...”

“Oh! Hello Chisaki.”

A bout of coughing and another grimace as the pain in his chest amplified tenfold at the horrifying sound. It disgusted him. It truly did, yet instead of feeling the need to get away, he wanted to get closer to her. To comfort her-- hell to shake some common sense into her. Even if it meant he would break out, he just had to do something.

“I...apologize if this seems rude...”

“What is it?”

“...what happened to your arms?”

“...I lost them because I was careless. This...I suppose, is my punishment.”

Her curious stare continued to wash over him as he felt the prickle of goosebumps rise on his shoulders. Turning away, he kept his gaze on the vacant wall of the hospital ward. This was torturous. She was torturous.

Yet still she managed to worm her way into his heart, and he didn’t know whether or not if he wanted to ask for cardiac surgery or to embrace this newfound emotion.

All he really knew was that if he had only been smarter-- hell maybe even faster at coming up with the quirk-destroying drug he could’ve prevented this. He could’ve gotten rid of the parasite that lurked in her veins.

➽───────────────❥

6 Months Ago

“Patient name: (y/n) (l/n). Quirk: Amnesiac.”

Trudging down the corridor, the man once known as Overhaul, walked in step alongside his parole officer / attending doctor. It hadn’t been too long since his arrest and...amputation. In all honesty, he wondered why he was being granted this rare privilege.

An assistant for a patient. That’s all they had told him. Of course Kai had to scoff. How on earth was he supposed to help? With the lack of usable limbs and knowledge limited to that of basic medical needs he didn’t really find a real necessity in this patient’s apparent ‘recovery’.

“...Amnesiac?”

“As it’s name implies, it’s a quirk that deals the user amnesia--- yet in our patient’s case it not only forces her to lose her memories, but practically breaks down her body’s physical state.”

“...In simpler terms?”

“In short every time she loses her memory her body deteriorates along with it. It’s as if her body is, in a sense...rewinding itself forward to make up for the fact that she lost those memories.”

A grimace. If he could, he would’ve spat out that he had been right in his assumption that quirks were just an infestation to the world, this patient clearly being a poor victim of it.

“...And what is my purpose of ‘assisting’ you?”

“As far as I’m aware, you’re pretty damn heartless and selfish. So it should be easy for you to not catch feelings for her whilst being a constant in her life right?”

“A...constant.”

“Yeah, just someone who she sees everyday until well...”

“She passes.”

“I mean...yeah. Damn you really are heartless.”

“Tch. This is a waste of my time is what this is.”

“Hey, you’re helping me whether you want to or not man. It’s just a visit everyday for like, an hour or two at most.”

Another grimace was given as Kai felt a shiver run down his spine. Despite the place he would be in was a hospital, it still brought the ex-yakuza boss a sense of dread. Especially with the amount of infested bodies that littered the place.

“...how long?”

“Holy shit dude, I get that you don’t want to do this but seriously---”

“How long until she loses her memory you dumbass.”

“..Oh. Well, from what we gather they can last from a day, to a couple of months. Though the longer she stays in a...well, let’s call it a session, the more it harms her body.”

“So say she forgets me tomorrow.”

“Then her body moves forward a day.”

“....After a month?”

“She lurches forward a month.”

“Thus leading to a quick progression in her deteriorating health.”

“...Exactly.”

It was, to say the least, unsettling to hear. Never had he heard of such a sickening twist for a quirk. No matter, the deal was simple. If he was lucky, this would last a year-- as fucked up as it sounded, the sooner she passed the less she would suffer in the long run.

As they neared the door, the clear unease that settled on his features was one that his parole doctor could see from a mile away.

“Chill dude, it’ll be fine.”

With that, the door cracked open, and there seated quietly whilst reading a book was a woman. By any standards she was normal, average, easy on the eyes with a slight fae-like feel. Though really it was most likely the early evening glow that cascaded into her room the moment they entered.

All Kai really knew was that it was the moment when gold met glittering (e/c) hues that a seed lodged it’s way into his stomach.

➽───────────────❥

It had started off easy-- well in Kai’s opinion it had. Every other day seemed to be a new start to the ritual that was re-introducing himself to her and making small talk.

In all honesty, he wouldn’t admit it, but the simplicity of being able to have a normal conversation with someone brought a sense of peace in him. Of course this didn’t mean his usual snark and calculating ways-- or so he says.

For Kai, this change in routine was oddly enough, welcomed. With everything he had gone and the collogues he had imprisoned god knows where, the opportunity to engage in small talk was to say the least, enlightening. It had surprised him. As someone who sought out tactical moves in reading his opponents, he found himself at ease with the simplicity of where he was at.

Granted it was albeit dull in comparison to the interrogations he goes through, it was still a part of his routine that he refused to change. Not when he’s been so invested in it.

That changes when the day he enters her room to find that instead of having to reintroduce himself to her, she remembers him. She flashes him a gentle smile with an endearing, “How are you?” and that in itself has the former yakuza leader lose his breath as he can only comically blink at her before forcing himself to adjust to this strange change.

No later did another change occur that brought a wave of new emotions in him. She had touched him. A caress to his cheek, and unsurprisingly in that moment he broke out in hives. His sight blurring as panic shot through his system at the abundance of thoughts that struck his head as the irritation from the hives had him reeling away from her.

He didn’t see her distressed face. Nor did he see the tears that streamed down her cheeks as she desperately sought out someone to help him. Instead, he awoke to his room laying down with his hives treated.

He felt violated. Disgusted, yet still. Even with that he found himself at her door a week later. Prepared to start a new with her and a possible replay of what had happened a week prior. Instead, he found her bowed deeply at the waist as she tightly clutched at the thin fabric of her hospital gown.

“I’m so sorry Chisaki! I didn’t know...I deeply apologize for what had happened!”

“...You...remembered?”

“Of course! You’re someone I can never forget.”

The pit in his stomach grew tenfold as his feet began to walk towards the awaiting lounge chair. Golden hues met truthful (e/c) ones as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat before once again bowing.

“I really am sorry...I shouldn’t have reached out to you like that...”

“...just be more aware next time.”

And like that, the pit in his stomach continued to grow. With each passing day she retained her memories, the more the pit swelled in size, and the more she began to work her way into his heart.

➽───────────────❥

Present Day

He didn’t know why he felt an overwhelming pressure in his gut. The lack of food he ate was odd enough, but to actively avoid something out of his daily routine? It was unheard of. He even made that stupid request to ask his parole doctor to grab (y/n) that stupid drink she liked.

Mentally shaking his head, Kai lightly tapped his shoe against the door before sliding it open.

The sight bestowed upon him though was one that could’ve brought him to his knees as the pang in his chest seemed to duly ache as he dragged his feet into the room.

“...(y/n)?”

It was quiet. The warm beams of the spring sun settled on her pale features as dim (e/c) orbs glimmered at the sight of him. He should’ve seen this coming. Especially after she had remembered him the day it set everything out of pattern. Instead, he turned a blind eye. Out of pure ignorance? He wasn’t remotely sure anymore. All he knew was that she shouldn’t be like this.

She should be her stupid lively self, cracking jokes and sharing her stupid stories with him. Not laying there like a corpse.

“Ah...Chi-- Kai, sorry you caught me waking up from a nap. I’m sorry I don’t look more presentable...”

“Nonsense. Now, tell me what you’ve done today.”

“Straight to the point huh? Sometimes I wonder how you’d ever date anyone.”

Though weak, the teasing tone she held in her voice was one that added more weight to his chest as he seated himself in what she declared the ‘(y/n)’s best friend’s chair’. A stupid name if you asked him, but he wouldn’t tell her that.

And like that, she spoke of her day, simple tasks and duties she’s done during her stay at the hospital while Kai listened to her as the best friend she claimed he was.

As for the new name basis, Kai couldn’t tell anyone when it picked up. All he knew was that it didn’t piss him off as much as it should’ve.

As the time neared for him to leave, she stopped him. A look of hesitance on her face as irritation seemed to grow on his own.

“What is it?”

“....Can I hold your face?”

“What?!”

“With gloves on!”

The statement caught him by surprise. Already he felt the disgusting voices in the back of his head whisper at him yet instead of acting on those voices he found himself mutely staring at her as she fumbled over her words.

All he could really pick out was the light blush that was on her cheeks. The spark of color that brought his feet towards her bedside as she stared up at him with shock in those (e/c) eyes.

“Tch. What are you waiting for?”

Caught off guard, she could only stare at him for a moment before giddily shifting herself to get off the bed. A noise of distaste left his throat at her motion as she merely rolled her eyes and shushed him as she went to fervently clean her hands before snapping on the gloves.

Yet as she did this he couldn’t help but feel the ache in his chest grow even more at the sight of her frail hands and the subtle appearance of a bruise around her wrist at her careless motion of snapping the gloves on. This was immediately forgone as she walked up to him, mindful to keep a distance before she hesitantly held her hands out in a flower cup motion.

At first, Kai had no idea what she was doing, but as he grew to analyze the situation-- as well as remember the odd videos and photos she decided to show him as she sought a sort of relationship herself-- he carefully put his chin into her hands. The hesitancy of her fingers brushing his cheeks pulled a new sort of fondness in his chest as he finally relaxed his cheek against her shy hand.

Golden eyes peered deeply into glimmering (e/c) as he watched her face light up with the most color he had see on her that day. Satisfied, he waited until she finally let go.

“...Thank you, Kai.”

“No problem.”

“No really...thank you...for everything.”

Unease quickly overtook the fondness in his heart as he straightened himself out. Confusion was clearly matted onto his features as he stared down at her.

“...Why are you saying that?”

“What? I can’t say what I want for once? You let me all the time so just let me say this too!”

Finding the whole situation uncomfortable, Kai made his way to the door once more. Though before he left he motioned with his head for her to get back into bed. In response, he got her usual snark as she stuck her tongue out before carefully getting back into bed.

“If you’re on good behavior tomorrow, I’ll have your doctor bring you that drink of yours.”

The light in her eyes was enough to satisfy him and his worries as she nodded quickly before giving him a mock salute as she excitedly got herself comfy in the bed.

“Alright, you promised Kai~!”

➽───────────────❥

“Who are you?”

It should’ve have hurt him as much as it did, but after 6 fucking months. 6 months of her being a daily part of his life where she did not forget him for a single moment came crashing down. The tremble that clutched tightly to his words as he re-introduced himself went unnoticed as he slowly made his way towards the lounge chair that was once considered to be (y/n)’s best friend’s chair.

“...My name is Chisaki Kai.”

“Oh! Hello Chisaki.”

He could tell she was straining with keeping up a happy front. Her appearance was frail. So delicate that he feared anyone who touched her would be the cause of her disappearing before his eyes. The drink he had requested for her sat innocently on the bedside table as she gave him a reassuring smile.

“It’s going to be okay...”

“...what?”

“You look...distressed, I wanted to just reassure you things will be okay.”

No they won’t. He wanted to scream it at her, that the rasp in her voice was punching holes into his gut. That the frail breathing she had was worse than his quirk being taken away from him.

And in that moment, they stayed in silence. Merely watching one another with mixed emotions before he broke back into the routine he once thought would be meaningless.

“...What did you do today?”

Her words, though slow, told him of a peaceful day. One with little adventures and many simple moments that he’s come to slowly appreciate in his own life.

Though as the hour of his leave came, he found it hard to get up from the chair. His feet staying practically cemented to the floor as he watched her peer out the window as the warm rays of the early evening sun cascaded over her. Much like it had that day he first saw her.

Forcefully pushing himself up from the chair, he made his way towards the door. Yet each step he took towards it the more the aching feeling in his chest grew as the fear of his last day in that room came to it’s due date.

“...Kai? Can you turn around for me...just once?”

The words caught him completely off guard as he turned to face her. Those eyes no longer were filed with guarded walls. Instead he was met with the face of (y/n). The woman he came to slowly adore within the past 6 months.

He didn’t even think. Instead he surged forward, practically bruising his legs at the force he decided to stop himself with. Though he didn’t care. The bruises be damned, she remembered him.

“...Can I hold your face? One more time? I promise I won’t ask again. I’ll even wear gloves!”

“...No need.”

The aching in his chest grew tenfold as he found it hard to speak. The overwhelming emotions that sat in his chest were ready to burst out of him. Though he wasn’t sure how. Instead he bent down slightly, finding her confused face even more endearing before he rolled his eyes.

“Well?”

“B-But...the hives---”

“I don’t care. Hurry the fuck up.”

Like that, the confusion vanished as she gently put her hands together in that familiar flower cup motion. Worry was clearly evident in her eyes as she looked at him, but before she could even question again he placed his chin into her awaiting hands. Already the prickly sensation of the hives began to pool as he could feel them form across his skin.

“K-Kai--”

“It’s fine. Shut up. You said you won’t ask again.”

“T-That’s true...”

“Tch. You can make it up to me by getting better so I can show you the world.”

“...when you’re not in prison anymore, right?”

“Right...”

It was hard to speak now. The lump that once was in his stomach had traveled to his throat as he watched her warm (e/c) glisten with unshed tears as she gently caressed his cheeks, ever so mindful of his hives as she tried to at least move her hands. Instead, the male pressed himself further into her touch as the tears began to fall. If anyone noticed the strain in his voice, they didn’t mention it.

“...If you’re gonna be greedy that do what you’ve been wanting to do you romantic obsessed moron.”

With that, she shifted forward before pressing a sweet kiss to his forehead as the tears came down harder. The lump in his throat making it almost unbearable to talk.

“...Thank you Kai...thank you so much for these six months...”

“.....”

“Don’t forget me...okay?”

“Idiot...as if I could even forget the one dumbass that made me breakout after my imprisonment.”

A weak laugh was given as she finally pulled away. With her eyes rimmed red, she shifted to make a call for a nurse, though that was cut short as Kai surprisingly climbed into her bed. No words were exchanged as she reluctantly shifted herself down into the bed-- though it did take time, she managed to curl herself in a way where she left distance between them.

“...aren’t you supposed to go?”

Featherlike and faint, he strained to hear her as he shifted himself down to properly face her as he melted in her (e/c) gaze. The slow dimming of life in her eyes was enough to tell him that it was time. However, he refused to believe it. If anything he’d find her awake the next day with that silly smile on her face. Yet even as he thought about this, the tears that he once thought were impossible for him, slowly began to stream down his cheeks as he nestled himself closer to her.

“....one day won’t kill them.”

“...mmm...”

“....go to sleep angel, I’ll be right here...”

“...and...you’ll be next to me?”

“...always.”

➽───────────────❥

Patient Name: (y/n) (l/n) Chisaki Quirk: Amnesiac

Time of Death: 6:05PM

#bnha x reader #mha x reader #overhaul x reader #kai chisaki x reader #chisaki kai x reader #chisaki x reader #mha scenarios #bnha scenarios #mha imagines #bnha imagines #chisaki angst #we about to drop more angst in this bish #i know i should be working on wips and requests but i can't help it ksksksk

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 4 years

Text

(Un)Wanted Part 4

Read on Ao3

(Un)Wanted Masterlist

A child that sees demons in every dark corner is not a child that is wanted.

A child that cries and freezes and mumbles of terrible things is not a child that is wanted.

A child that jumps and startles and hisses is not a child that is wanted.

Unwanted things are purged from the Earth.

So Virgil runs.

In other words: Virgil is an outcast, ostracized and shunned for how he was born, forced to flee an angry mob only to stumble right into a fae garden.

Pairings: LAMP, DLAMP, DLAMPR, can be platonic or romantic you decide

Warnings: Implied/Referenced torture, child abuse, and self-harm, nothing super explicit. Sympathetic Deceit and Remus. Panic attacks, anxiety attacks.

Word Count: 9,617

Logan isn’t nearly as sentimental as the others, nor is he prone to emotional attachment in short periods of time. At least that’s what he’d have you believe.

“Duke, no!”

Just ignore them. Just ignore them.

“Why not? It’s not like I’m hurting him!”

“Mortals are fragile, Duke!”

“Oh come on, he’s not even bleeding!”

That gets Logan’s attention. He stands up, tucks his notebook back into his pocket, and turns in the direction of the yelling. It’s coming from the lake. Sure enough, he barely has to come around the treeline before the reason for the yelling is made…quite apparent.

“Duke,” Logan says slowly, adjusting his glasses, “why is V currently being held by Oliver?”

Indeed, the Duke’s Kraken, affectionately named Oliver, has an arm wound tightly around V’s waist, holding him over the lake. Patton stands at the water’s edge, hands on his hips, engaged in a staring contest with Remus. Remus, perched indignantly on Oliver’s head, sticks out his tongue.

“We’re playing fetch.”

“V is not a stick, Duke!” Patton looks frantically at Logan. “L, please tell the Duke V isn’t a stick.”

“V is not a stick, Duke.”

“You can play fetch with something other than a stick.”

“No, you can’t!”

“Not with that attitude you can’t!”

Logan pinches the bridge of his nose and leaves Remus and Patton bickering in favor of walking a little closer to V. V, despite being held several feet above the water’s surface by a kraken, does not appear to be nearly as distressed as Logan would anticipate. Instead, he looks almost bemused.

“V?”

“H-hey, L,” V says, “didn’t mean to drag you into this.”

“It’s quite alright, V,” Logan assures, glancing over at Remus, now standing proudly on Oliver’s head, “although I do have questions.”

“Do I have to come down?”

“It might be helpful so that we can hear each other better.”

Logan expects V to holler to Remus to get Oliver to lower him or to try and get out of the kraken’s grip himself which would…not be ideal, but Logan is here to catch him. But instead, V simply pats the arm around his waist and Oliver lowers him neatly to the ground, keeping a light grip on V. Logan’s eye widen.

“…interesting.”

“Thanks, Ollie,” V mumbles before looking back up at Logan. “What’s up?”

Logan blinks. He was going to ask if V was comfortable with Oliver holding him and that he was an active participant in…whatever version of ‘fetch’ Remus is proposing, and yet V’s interaction with Oliver has rendered that question useless.

He relays as much to V who nods shyly. “I like Oliver.”

“I am no expert, but I would say that Oliver likes you too.” Logan allows himself a small smile at V’s eager expression. “What game are you playing?”

“Duke explained that Oliver likes playing fetch and uh…”

“Is fond of throwing the Duke across the lake?”

“…yeah.” V fidgets with his hands and mumbles something.

“What was that?”

“…wanted to try.”

“Being thrown?” V nods. “I see.”

“Then, uh, Pat came by the lake and—“

V gestures to the others still arguing, even though it no longer sounds like they’re on a completely different topic. Logan shakes his head slowly, more inclined to agree with Patton on this subject, and yet…

As he looks at V, something changes.

“L!” Remus sprawls across Oliver’s head as opposed to simply turning around. “Tell Pat-Pat that there’s no point in having a giant underground lake full of creepy shit if you don’t use it!”

“That’s not what I said!”

Logan raises his voice to cut them off before they lose their trains of thought again. “As long as you are careful, there is no reason why V can’t join your game.”

V’s wide eyes make him smile.

“In fact…there may be benefits to it.”

“Benefits?”

“May be?”

“Proper development of the vestibular sense is crucial for mortals,” Logan explains, “it encourages connection with the other senses and an understanding about where the body is in relation to its surroundings.”

Remus tilts his head. “…so you gotta toss ‘em?”

“It doesn’t have to be tossing, no, but temporary disruptions to their balance are necessary, yes.” Logan glances at V. “Without it, it affects the function of other senses, leading to fidgeting, problems focusing and listening, among other things.”

A look of realization slowly dawns on V’s face, one that’s quickly followed by a flash of something that passes too quickly for Logan to catch. He frowns, making to ask V what’s wrong before Remus yells delightedly and Oliver scoops V up again.

“You heard the teacher! Toss!”

“Wait!”

Too late. V’s already in the air. Logan pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Duke, I specifically told you to be careful.”

“We’re being careful!”

“That was similar to how Oliver would throw you, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, so?”

“Tell me, Duke, what is V?”

“A mortal?”

“…so?”

Remus’s eyes widen and he curses. Oliver seems to get the message, taking off so quickly it knocks Remus off his head, sending him splashing into the lake. Logan watches as Oliver swims across the lake so quickly he can catch V before V hits the water. Judging by the Kraken's pleased rumble, perhaps this new game is even better than the last one. Remus yells out once more before he speeds across the lake to join them, narrowly avoiding showering Patton and Logan with the spray.

“Be careful, kiddos!” Patton shakes a few drops of water out of his cloak.

Logan removes his glasses, cleaning them. “They will be,” he assures, “I do not believe even the Duke would intentionally hurt V.”

Patton huffs. “You say that like you don’t know that he’s the most protective one.”

“I believe both you and J could easily compete for that title.”

“He came to you for help about going feral,” Patton says softly, “he’s never done anything like that before.”

They watch the three of them from the shore, smiling at the faint echoes from the other side of the water.

“…V is special to the Duke,” Logan says finally, “it’s not surprising that he wants to help.”

Patton gives him a look. “He’s not the only one.”

Before Logan can ask Patton what he means by that, he disappears into the forest.

Logan brushes it to the back of his mind, getting back to work. The growth rates in this part of the forest have altered lately, almost as if the aura was changing due to the influx of a new magical presence. Perhaps the proximity to the lake and thus a convergence of the Prince and the Duke’s influence affects the relationship the plants have with the earth…

He quickly loses himself in his observations, making careful notes as he walks along the paths. Time passes without his awareness until he realizes he’s been squinting at the flower in front of him. He cleans his glasses and starts back to the clearing. Typically he would simply sink into his realm. Yet he has to admit the doors do help to separate the time he spends working from his leisure time. Plus, the walk through the forest in the twilight is pleasant.

As of yet, he cannot explain how the fog that curls around the lake relates to the blending of the twins’ influence, but the magic that holds the mist intact as it moves through the trees is stronger than the ambient magic of the forest. If he were a different person, he would say it feels like a thin sheet.

Logan enters the clearing, about to walk through his door, when he catches sight of a silhouette perched on a tree stump. A few paces closer and V’s form resolves in front of him.

“V?” V jerks, relaxing when he registers Logan’s form. “It’s late.”

V nods, glancing around. Darkness settles over the clearing gradually. “Can’t sleep.”

Logan simply nods. “May I join you?”

“I-if you’re going somewhere you don’t have to—“

“I would like to,” Logan interrupts softly, “may I sit with you?”

Glancing at the stump, V shifts. “…dunno if there’s room.”

“That’s quite alright.” Logan waves his hand and a small group of the vines forms a swing.

“Whoa…”

“Would you like to sit with me?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

The swing is large enough for them to sit side by side without touching. V pulls his legs up, loosely wrapping his arms around his knees. Logan crosses his legs, keeping one foot on the ground to rock them gently back and forth.

“Are you alright, V?”

For a few moments, there is nothing but the soft breeze and the creak of the vines.

“…I don’t know.”

“That’s okay,” Logan says quietly, “you don’t have to know.”

“Shouldn’t I, though?” The bitterness in V’s voice makes him look over, brow furrowing when he sees V’s mouth drawn tight. “It’s…it’s me, shouldn’t I know what’s going on?”

“Have you been taught how mortal bodies work?”

“…huh?”

“Have you received any formal education about mortal bodies?” Logan tilts his head. “Or any education about them for that matter?”

“…no?”

“Then how can you be expected to know?” V’s face twitches. “You are not expected to know things that no one has ever told you.”

That flash appears again as V looks away and mumbles something.

“V?”

“’S not true.”

Logan tenses. “What do you mean, it’s not true?” He softens immediately when V stiffens at the unbidden anger in his voice.

V shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter.”

Don’t push; it will only make it harder for him to decide to open up to you.

Logan tilts his head back, looking at the trees. The sky is alight, letting the leaves stand out as the inky blackness. The breeze rustles through them.

“Thank you.”

He turns. V’s staring at him, worrying the edge of his tunic between his fingers.

“You’re welcome,” he says softly, “may I ask what specifically you’re referencing?”

“Earlier,” V says, “at the lake…the…vestibular sense thing. Made some things make sense.”

Logan waits.

“…is…is that why I’m like this?”

The shake in V’s voice makes Logan want to say yes, that’s all this is, a little while of being tossed around by Oliver and Remus will fix everything but…

“No,” he says quietly, trying to soften it as much as he can. V’s shoulders slump. “It’s part of it, albeit a small part, but…it’s not everything.”

V’s head drops to his knees and a tremble makes the swing shudder lightly. Then he rests his chin on his folded arm.

“…you said it messes with focusing, right?”

“It can, yes.”

“Is it for everything?”

Logan frowns. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“I need—“ V cuts himself off.

“Go on,” he encourages, “you may tell me.”

“…I can’t…it’s too much nothing.” Logan waits, still swinging them gently back and forth. “I don’t…I still don’t know what you want.”

Ah. “You need something to do.”

V nods. “I just don’t want to be a problem.”

“You’re not a problem, V,” Logan assures, “but I understand needing something to do.”

“You do?”

He nods. “Structure can help you adjust to a new environment, especially amidst times of high stress. Additionally—“ he glances over at V— “it may serve to…’pull you out of your head’ a little, so to speak.”

“Yeah…” V seems to relax a little more into the swing. “…yeah.”

“Do you know what you would like to do?”

V shakes his head. “Sorry.”

“You needn’t apologize, you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s a big question.” Logan taps his fingers idly against his knee. “Though perhaps it would do to remember Pat’s suggestion. If you cannot say what you do want, try saying what you don’t want.”

“I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Good…anything else?”

“I don’t…” V swallows. “I don’t want to…”

He raises his chin. “I want to help.”

Logan can’t help the proud smile on his face. “Good job.”

“…for what?”

“You said what you wanted.” He tilts his head. “Would you like to help me?”

“With what?”

“An experiment I’m doing on the plants near the lake.”

“..sure.”

“Wonderful.” Logan stands up, offering a hand. V takes it and he pulls him gently to his feet. “Do you think you can sleep tonight?”

At V’s look of confusion, Logan clarifies. “You need rest, V, and establishing a regular sleeping pattern is going to be helpful. If you truly do not think you’ll be able to sleep, we can work with that, but you should try.”

V glances toward his room. “I, um, I’ll try.”

“Okay. Thank you.” V nods. “After you’ve eaten tomorrow, knock on my door, alright?”

When Logan shuts his own door behind him, he sets his notebook carefully on the table and leans against his desk.

What…what just happened?

He just invited V to help him with his work, that’s what happened. Something he has never trusted another living being with and V…V didn’t have to ask. It was simply the logical solution.

Well.

He has some other work to do in the meantime, then.

He should also try and get some rest, if only to make sure he’s not being hypocritical. Even though he is not mortal…it wouldn’t do to present V with conflicting influences.

By the time the timid knock comes to his door the next morning, he’s got another notebook, purple next to his dark blue, ready on his desk. He opens the door.

“Good morning, V. Have you eaten yet?”

He moves aside to let V in. “Just came from Pat.”

Logan can’t help but notice how V’s eyes dart around the space. More than the others, perhaps, Logan’s room is the most separated than what V may be used to. His is a study, with a large bookshelf, a desk, and a window that looks out into a part of the forest. V hovers a few paces away, looking around.

“Take your time,” Logan says, walking toward the desk, leaving the door cracked the tiniest bit, “an adjustment period is to be expected.”

“I know.”

“Have you been in rooms aside from your own and Pat’s as of yet?”

V shakes his head. “Just those two.”

Oh. Oh, that’s…well, Logan didn’t expect that. Patton, of course, was a given—V had fallen asleep there, after all. Remus…well, given V’s heightened stress levels it was for the best that he had recognized that perhaps limiting their interactions to this layer was the best.

But…none of the others?

The prince…the prince never passed up an opportunity to show off. Surely in a realm where his power increased almost exponentially…then again it might serve to overwhelm as opposed to impress.

As for J…

Well. Attempting to decipher his motivation was an undertaking all its own.

Logan tucks the little bit of warmth that rushes through his chest at this new bit of knowledge away to be analyzed later. For now, he simply watches V look around his room a few more times. The tension in his shoulders seems to disappear the longer he stays.

“V?”

“Huh?” V turns to him and Logan blinks. He’s…he looks…

“You look calmer,” he observes, “do you…feel different?”

“Yeah…yeah I think I do.” V opens and closes his hands, looking at them like he’s never really looked at them before. “I feel like I’m…not in my body? Like there’s a…a sheet of glass between me and…the bad stuff.”

Logan nods. “My room—my realm, in its entirety, is a little more removed from…emotions.”

“Why?”

Smiling a little at the first question V’s asked without being nervous, Logan gently raps his knuckles against the desk. “It is connected to me. Thus it behaves differently.”

V glances around again. “Is that why it feels…clear?”

“Clear?”

“Like it’s easier for me to think…less fuzzy.” V closes his eyes. “Like in the garden.”

“I suppose that is a good word for it,” Logan muses, tilting his head to watch V open and close his hands again, “clarity.”

“Is that what you do?” V looks at him. “Pat’s the heart…you’re clarity?”

Logan smiles. “That is an excellent way of describing it.”

V’s mouth quirks up before his gaze lands on something over Logan’s shoulder. His eyes widen.

“What is that?”

Logan beckons him over to the large glass bottle, unable to stop his smile growing wider as V stares at the plants inside. He is quite proud of this project, if he does say so himself.

“It’s what you’re going to be helping me with,” he says as he joins V, “at least in part.”

“What…what is it?”

“It’s a bottle garden.” Logan reaches out to tap the seal in the bottle’s neck. The bottle is about two and a half feet in diameter at the widest point and around three feet tall. “An isolated ecosystem.”

“A what?”

“An experiment.” Logan points to the green leaves that curl and press up against the glass. “This plant is called spiderwort. See the little drops of water?”

V nods.

“Those are condensation from the plant as it transpires. The water will run down into the soil to help sustain the plant which means I don’t need to water it.”

“Wait, wait…” V tilts his head. “You…you don’t water it?” Logan shakes his head. “Then how does it survive?”

“Because plants are autotrophs, the only external input it requires it light.”

“Plants are what?”

“Autotrophs. It means they can produce their own food.” Logan holds out his hand for V to take, carefully pulling him toward the side with more light. “Have you ever wondered why plants are mostly green?”

“Mhmm.”

“There’s a chemical in plant cells called chlorophyll. It’s what gives it that green color. That chemical helps plants turn a gas called carbon dioxide and water into food. All it needs is light”

“Whoa…” V reaches out to touch the glass. “Wish I could do that.”

You can have all the food you want, V. No one will ever take food from you or starve you ever again.

“Where does it get carbon dioxide from?”

“It’s the gas we breathe out,” Logan says, “produced as a waste product from respiration.”

“Respi-what?”

“Respiration. That’s the process most living things do to survive. It involves breaking down the food you eat and the air you breathe in to give yourself energy.” Logan taps his own chest. “You need food—or more specifically, glucose—and oxygen to respire, and it produces water and carbon dioxide as waste products.”

V raises an eyebrow. “I’ve got water in me?”

“Technically, yes, mortals are at least 70% water, but the waste water from respiration comes out in your breath.”

“It does what?”

“When you go outside in the winter,” Logan says, “and you can see your breath, that’s the water vapor condensing in the cold air.”

“Condensing?”

“Turning from a gas to a liquid.”

“Oh.” V looks back at the bottle. “Is…is that what’s happening here?”

“When the water droplets form on the inside of the glass? Yes.”

V nods, although it looks hesitant. Logan steps forward to ask what’s wrong when V’s head droops. “Sorry I’m asking so many questions.”

“Questions aren’t bad, V,” Logan says gently, “I’m pleased you’re asking so many.”

“Y-you are?”

Logan nods. “It shows you’re interested and you want to learn. That is always something that pleases me.”

“Can I ask some more then?”

“Of course.”

V points to one of the leaves nearer the glass. “You said that plants only need sunlight, water, and carbon…dioxide?” Logan nods. “How does it get the carbon dioxide?”

“All living things respire. The carbon dioxide from the respiration is used for photosynthesis.”

“Then what does it need to respire?”

“Food—glucose—and oxygen.”

“Where does it get the oxygen?”

“Photosynthesis produces oxygen as a waste product.”

V frowns. “Wait…you need carbon dioxide and water to make photosynthesis happen…which gives the plant food and oxygen…”

Logan nods.

“But the plant also needs to make respiration happen…which needs food and oxygen…and makes carbon dioxide and water?” When Logan nods again, V’s face makes him chuckle. “So are they both just…not happening?”

Logan fetches the two notebooks from his desk and returns to V’s side. “Let’s say that this—“ he holds up his blue notebook— “is one set of ingredients, and this—“ he holds up the purple one— “is the other.”

He passes the purple notebook to V, smiling a little at the careful way V holds it. He places the blue notebook in his left hand and holds out his right.

“If you give me your set of ingredients—thank you—I undergo my process and I produce the other, which you need to complete yours.” He passes the blue notebook to V.

“You,” he continues as he switches the purple notebook to his opposite hand, “then undergo your process and produce the first set of ingredients again.”

“So…” V cautiously holds the notebook out for Logan to take.

“Thank you. And I believe you need this.” They switch notebooks again. “It works as a circle,” Logan says as they begin passing the notebooks back and forth faster. “As one process is completed, it gives its waste products to the other so that the plant can live.”

They pass the notebooks around a few more times as V chews on his lower lip, brow furrowed in concentration.

“…okay,” he mumbles finally, “okay I got it.”

“Wonderful.” Logan sets the notebooks aside carefully. “Anything else?”

“What happens when parts of it die?” V points to a few brown leaves near the bottom of the bottle.

“The bacteria in the soil help break down the leaves and release more carbon dioxide.”

“What happens at night? When there’s no light?”

“Some of the food doesn’t get used right away. It gets stored inside the plant. During the night, the plant breaks it down to sustain itself.”

“Is that what happens with the water too?”

Logan nods. “The water drips into the soil, where the plant’s roots soak it in. After the plant is done with it, it gets released into the air through transpiration and the cycle begins again.”

“That’s really cool,” V murmurs, still staring at the bottle garden, “that’s…really cool.”

“It was watered once,” Logan says, reaching out to trace the bottle as well, “when I first planted it. Then it was sealed and…it’s been doing perfectly well ever since.”

“Because…it makes its own food through photo…photosynthesis,” V says carefully, “which makes the things it needs for respiration…which then makes more stuff it needs for photosynthesis…and it needs light but at night it can use the food it’s stored away…and you don’t need to water it because it…reuses the water?”

Logan can’t help patting V’s shoulder proudly. “Excellent.”

Oh. Oh, V must not be used to being praised. He may have guessed.

V’s cheeks flush a light pink and he fidgets.

The Prince can help with that.

“But if you don’t need to do anything,” V says hurriedly, “then what do you need my help for?”

“This,” Logan says, patting the bottle affectionately, “is a small-scale experiment. I need your help with the full scale one.”

He nods toward his desk. “Would you please grab the notebooks?”

V cradles them carefully as Logan opens another door, leading out to a different section of the forest. He closes the door behind them and makes a note to give V a passage to this section without having to go through his room.

“This,” Logan says, gesturing around, “is the full-scale experiment.”

“Are we in a bottle?” V blurts out, only to immediately wince and try to hide his face.

“In a way.” Logan holds out his hand and the barrier around the garden shimmers faintly. “We are in a closed system, but no, there is no literal ‘bottle’ in this sense.”

V nods, still looking around. He sticks by Logan’s side, despite Logan’s gentle encouragement that he’s allowed to walk around a little, it’s alright.

“Don’t wanna step on anything important.”

“I can assure you, these plants are quite resilient. You cannot hurt them.”

V still seems a little apprehensive. “So…why is this one different?”

“The bottle garden is composed of only one plant. It’s a very controlled ecosystem. I’m curious if the same principles will still work practically with multiple species.” Logan holds out his hand. “May I have my notebook, please?”

V makes to hand both of them over when Logan stops him gently.

“The purple one is for you.”

V’s eyes widen. “W-what?”

“For you,” Logan repeats, smiling gently. “I find it helpful to write or draw things when I’m working. It may help you too, especially if you have questions or things you’d like to talk about when I’m not here.”

V, still holding the notebook like some precious artifact, almost drops it in shock. “Wait, you’re okay with me being here when you’re not?”

“Yes.” Logan tucks his notebook into his pocket. “Are you comfortable with being here when I’m not?”

Judging by V’s trembling hands, that’s a ‘no.’

“V,” he calls softly, waiting for V’s gaze to snap to him, “can you tell me what’s worrying you?”

“I—I—“

“Take your time,” he murmurs, “take your time and breathe.”

V breathes. He hunches his shoulders and draws a few shuddering breaths. Distantly, Logan thanks the part of himself that made sure this garden is completely sealed off from the outside.

When V raises his head again, Logan reaches out and lightly touches his shoulder.

“Sorry.”

“It’s quite alright, you needn’t apologize.” He takes a small step closer. “Would you like to tell me what’s wrong?”

“’S just…too much.”

“Too much light? Too much scent?”

V shakes his head. “…too much.”

Logan thinks. “…too much to do?” V nods. “I see.”

“D-don’t take it away,” V blurts, “please, I—“

He shushes V gently. “I’m not taking anything away, you have my word. I believe I have not been as clear as I would like to be.”

“I think you’re doing great.”

It’s muffled, not meant for him to hear, and yet it sends a rush of warmth through him all the same.

“For the most part, we will be working together,” Logan says instead, “but there will be times where I must step away for a moment or you will want to step away for a moment. If you think of something, the notebook is to help make sure you will not forget it.”

He moves his hand to rest on V’s arm. “Does that sound alright?”

V nods jerkily. “Can…can I write down what you told me about the bottle garden?”

“It’s your notebook, V, you may write down whatever you like.”

Logan turns away, moving a few paces to examine one of the blooming plants to give V some privacy. After a few moments of the scratching sounds of writing, he hears shuffling footsteps beside him.

“Shall I show you around?”

“Yes please.”

They walk slowly around the garden as Logan points out the different species of plants, how they work together, and V makes notes as they go, occasionally asking for Logan to repeat what he’s said or to clarify his last point. Logan makes note of which plants seem to be V’s favorites.

“Why these plants,” V asks as he scribbles something else down, “why not others?”

“Plants are very good at ‘scrubbing’ the air, so to speak.” Logan adjusts one of the branches so it doesn’t hit them in the face. “These are adept at both the physical air and the magical aura. In order to maintain the gateway garden, I want to investigate the best plants for it.”

“Is that the one I fell into?”

“Yes.” They round another corner. “J and I share responsibility for most of it. The prince and the Duke control the parts we do not.”

“What about Pat?”

“Pat takes care of the portal itself.”

V scribbles something else down, then he looks around at the garden and frowns.

“Is there something wrong?”

“With the bottle garden,” V says carefully, flipping back and forth over a few pages, “the whole thing is small enough to kind of…sit in the window so all of it gets light, right?”

“Correct.”

V points to the shadow cast by the walls. “What about them? Do they need less light or something?”

“They do,” Logan nods, “very well done.”

“But…” V frowns again.

“But?”

“In the gateway garden, there…aren’t walls.” V looks up at him. “If…if you need those plants to do things but they need less light, where will you put them?”

Logan smiles. “Very well done.”

“...so?”

Logan shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about that.”

“O-oh.” V looks down. “I didn’t mean to—“

“V,” Logan interrupts gently, “I’m not angry. Quite the opposite.”

“Really?”

“Never be afraid of asking questions,” Logan encourages, “especially not with me.”

V’s nervous smile is enough to make Logan spend the rest of the day trying to keep it there.

It works. Logan made it clear that this isn’t a rigid schedule, V needn’t spend every waking second here, this was here as an option for him. And yet, he still finds V with his notebook in hand quite often as they walk around the garden, keeping track of what’s growing well, what needs something, and which plants aren’t growing as compatibly as they could be. And V grows more comfortable.

“What makes the flowers different colors?”

“The different pollinators they need to attract respond to different colors due to coevolution.”

“What’s coevolution?”

Or:

“I saw this plant by the lake yesterday, Oliver tried to eat it.”

“Well, Oliver tends to try and eat a lot of colorful things.”

“Why?”

“Most of the food he eats underwater is distinguished by its bright colors.”

Or:

“How do you…find these plants?”

“The prince and the duke can create most of them, or at least seedlings from them. The others we can find by exploring the forest.”

“…your forest or…?”

“Mainly our forest, yes, because of the magical aspect. You needn’t go into the mortal forest ever again.”

“…promise?”

“You have my word.”

After that, V starts asking broader questions. About the nature of the forest, about the barrier between the rest of the forest and the garden, about how the link between the different ‘layers’ works.

Logan answers each one to the best of his ability, suggesting which of the others V should ask if it’s outside his area of expertise. When V asks about why Logan’s letting him help, it’s the first time Logan has to pause for a while before answering.

“The others are good companions but we have…different working styles,” he settles on eventually, “and I’m not sure my garden would survive all of our…disagreements.”

He doesn’t notice V freeze until he hears the notebook hit the ground. At the soft thwap, he turns around and is by V’s side in an instant, quietly asking what he can do.

“…you…fight?”

“Occasionally, why does…” Logan’s eyes widen in realization and he quickly crouches down around V. “We do not hurt each other, V.”

“But if you fight—“

“We fight with words, with ideas,” Logan says softly, “but we still care for each other. Do you remember when Oliver first tossed you, how the Duke and Pat disagreed over whether or not it was a good idea?”

V nods.

“That is the type of fight I refer to. It’s harmless, for the most part, and no one is hurt.” He leans a little closer. “And we will never hurt you.”

“Then why…why would the garden get hurt?”

Logan sits on the ground next to V. “The important part of an experiment is controlling all the variables you can, yes?”

“So you can keep track of what’s causing what.”

Logan nods. “The others have different magical auras.” He holds up his hand and lets it glow dark blue. “If they enter another realm, or another room, they can keep their auras under control to a certain extent, but only for a short amount of time.”

V’s breathing evens out. “So…it would throw off the experiment, not…not hurt it.”

“Yes,” Logan murmurs, “nothing would be hurt.”

He leans onto his hand to catch V as he lists to the side, weary from the emotional onslaught. As he does, his head lolls back against Logan’s shoulder. His eyes widen and he exhales sharply.

Logan follows his gaze upwards to see the starry sky.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” He feels V nod against him. “Not used to it yet?”

“…never really looked up before,” V confesses, “couldn’t.”

Mm. Looking at the sky when one doesn’t feel safe is…not common. Logan moves so he can support V’s head a little better. He glances around. They’re not near any delicate plants. They have enough room…

“The best way to stargaze,” he murmurs, “is to lie down so you don’t hurt your neck.”

He expects V to shake his head, to say he’s perfectly alright like this, and it would be understandable. Instead, V shifts, moving his notebook out of the way and easing himself down onto his back. His hands twitch and he swallows heavily, but the trust in his gaze makes Logan a little light-headed.

He lays down too, close enough the V can reach out and find him if he needs to, but not too close that they’re touching. There are a few rustling noises as V shifts.

“C-can you talk?”

“Talk?”

“I—I can’t hear you, I don’t—I wanna know where you are.”

“I’m right here,” Logan says instantly, “I’m not going anywhere. And I’m happy to talk. What would you like me to talk about?”

“…how do the stars work?”

“What do you know already?”

“…not much.”

Logan takes a deep breath. “Stars are…fascinating things. They exist for billions of years and provide so much to the universe.”

He talks about hydrogen fusion, about the CNO cycle, about the different types of stars, and how they burn at different temperatures and different colors. As he talks, he feels V relax slowly into the grass.

“What…what happens when a star dies,” V mumbles after Logan finishes explaining the forming of constellations—which aren’t really formed, they’re simply one perspective of the night sky—“where does all the energy go?”

“Back into the universe.”

“…how?”

“There is a rule,” Logan murmurs, shifting a little to get more comfortable, “in the universe, that no energy is created and none is destroyed, it simply changes forms.”

A light breeze blows through the garden.

“That means when a star dies, when anything dies, every little piece that makes it up will go on to be part of something else.” He tries to think of an example V would know. “Like with the parts of the spiderwort that die. Those parts are broken down and remade into something new.”

“…that happens with everything?”

“Yes, V, everything.” Logan turns his head a little, just enough to see V’s silhouette against the dark. “Every plant…every animal…everything.”

V’s whisper is so quiet he has to strain to hear it. “Even me?”

“Even you.” Logan looks up at the sky. “A part of you may be part of a thundercloud, rain down on the lake. A part of you may be the lake or the breeze that sends ripples across the surface.”

The night is quiet.

“A part of you may be a plant,” Logan murmurs, “and grow for years. A part of you may be one of the animals in the forest.”

He looks up into the sky full of distant lights.

“A part of you may even be part of a star, burning brightly so far away.”

A sharp exhale from next to him and he looks over, seeing the way V’s mouth parts slightly.

“You are a child of the universe,” he whispers, “and you always will be.”

Something brushes his hand. Then it does it again. Logan turns his hand over and lets V slip his hand through. He squeezes once, gently. Smiles when V squeezes back.

V stays closer to him for a few days as they work after that, before finally beginning to venture a little further away, then a little further, until one day Logan walks into the garden to see V already there, huddled around a plant. He looks up and waves before getting right back to work. Logan smiles for a while after that.

Then Logan asks V to fetch something from inside and he’s only gone a few minutes before there’s a loud crash.

Logan’s on his feet in an instant, dashing inside, only to see V huddled in the corner, his eyes wide, staring at the broken glass on the floor. His head jerks around when Logan appears in the doorway, scrambling back.

“Easy,” Logan says instantly, coming inside and crouching so V can see all of him, “easy, little one, it’s alright.”

“I’m—I’m sorry—it just—I couldn’t—I’m sorry—“

“Shh…shh, little one, it’s alright, I’m not upset.” Logan watches as V’s hands start moving to his hair, pulling. “Focus on me, little one, focus on me.”

V squeezes his eyes closed but nods his head.

“I need you to breathe for me,” Logan says, reaching out and placing his hand on the floor, trying to make his realm settle, block out everything and focus on calm, safe, quiet. “Just like that, good.”

It takes much longer than he would like for V to finally look at him properly. “…you’re not mad?”

“No, V, I’m not mad,” Logan says, “are you hurt?”

He shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. As long as you’re not hurt. That’s what I’m worried about.”

“B-but it’s yours,” V manages, “and—and I broke it.”

“It’s just an object, V, you’re more important than that.” Logan stands slowly, waving his hand to vanish the shards of glass. “No harm is done. There’s an extra glass over here.”

As he takes it down from the shelf, he notices V still curled up in the corner. He frowns, setting it aside and holding out his hand.

“Will you come here for me?”

V flinches.

“I won’t hurt you,” he soothes, “I won’t even touch you if you don’t want.”

Standing is a battle; Logan can see it. Walking over is another one. He keeps himself open, doesn’t move, leaves his hand there if V wants it. When V takes it, he moves closer, gently cupping the back of V’s neck. He rests their foreheads together.

“Do you believe me,” he whispers, “that I’m not angry?”

He’s rewarded with a small nod.

“You’re allowed to make mistakes, V, we all make them.” He draws back. “No harm has been done. And I won’t hurt you, none of us will.”

They go back to the garden, and if V hovers a little closer and prefers to write in his notebook, Logan doesn’t comment.

There are a few more bumps. V spills one of the new seedlings and the soil gets all over their notebooks. He oversleeps one day and shows up out of breath. He accidentally works on the wrong side of the garden for a shift.

Each time, Logan talks to him calmly, assures him that nothing’s gone too wrong, they can fix it, that it’s alright. And each time, V calms a little bit faster.

One day, he comes in to see V crouched in the corner.

“Good morning,” he calls, stooping to pick up his own notebook, “did you rest well?”

He frowns when he realizes V’s in the same position he left him last night. There was a new plant that had been having some difficulty; its stem had torn during transport and had to be monitored. V had volunteered to watch it for a little longer. Has…has he stayed out all night?

“V,” Logan says, approaching slowly, “it’s alright, you can leave it for a little, I’m happy to…”

He trails off, the rest of the chide catching in his throat as he looks down.

V is asleep, still curled protectively around the plant. As Logan bends down, he notices a small stick strapped to the stem, splinting it in place as it grows. V’s hand reaches out for it, almost in offering, as if the plant would reach out if it needed comfort in the night.

“Oh, V…”

Logan takes V’s notebook and his own and sets them aside, carefully unbuttoning his suit jacket and draping it over V. Curled up as he is, it covers him completely. He smooths the material over V’s shoulders.

“How sentimental.”

Logan turns. J stands at the door, leaning against the frame. He raises an eyebrow and looks Logan up and down.

“What would the others think,” J muses as Logan stands, dusting himself off, “about you acting so…emotionally? Surely the logical thing would be to wake him up, send him to his room. And yet he is allowed to remain…covered with something that is not designed to be used as a blanket.”

He smirks when Logan shoots him a look.

“And such tenderness too.” He covers his mouth with a gloved hand in a mock gasp. “From someone who would be perfectly content to never experience physical contact every again, from someone who prefers refraining from physical contact.”

J chuckles when Logan rolls his eyes.

“As if you have any right to talk.” Logan gives V one last glance before turning to J. “You made a claim that carried such a weight that it dragged up the portal before Pat made it visible. Out of all of us, you have been the gentlest with him. And as for physical contact…”

Logan folds his arms.

J looks down at V, his expression softening, the fingers on one hand absentmindedly toying with the seams on the glove. He doesn’t try to argue—good, he would lose—and simply sighs.

“How many times,” he murmurs finally, “have we stopped the others from trying to adopt a mortal?”

“14 times in the last century.”

“And how many times have those been justifiable, perfectly argued with the rules that we have all agreed on?”

“Every single one.”

J straightens, looking at V with such an open expression of concern that Logan winces in sympathy.

“Then how is it that this one appeared and we melted?”

Logan does not have an answer. Neither, it seems, does J.

“Did you need something?”

J tilts his head. “Not specifically. Simply curious.”

“About?”

He knows he’s in for it when J’s smirk reappears. “Surely it can’t have escaped your notice that V has been spending a considerable amount of time with you, in your room.”

Logan adjusts his glasses unconsciously.

“The rest of us are quite bereft of our little V,” J continues, smirk widening, “you’ve been hoarding him all for yourself?”

“V is free to make his own choices,” Logan says firmly, “it is not my fault if he chooses to spend his time helping me.”

“Oh, of course, it’s not.”

“Perhaps you should think of your own ideas then, instead of being envious of mine.”

“Me? Envious? Never.”

Logan just gives him a look. J chuckles.

“Alright, alright.” He waves his hand. “That’s enough.”

“Mm.”

“It is odd though, isn’t it?” J gestures between them. “That we have become so…changed.”

Logan looks down at V, still tucked underneath his jacket. Despite his teasing, J is right. If someone had told Logan he would be inviting a mortal into their realm, into his garden, letting them sleep with his suit jacket draped over them…he would have shut the door in their face.

“Oh how the mighty have fallen,” he hears J murmur distantly, “brought down in the face of one lost, scared child.”

They freeze when V mumbles in his sleep, shifting slightly, only to ball up one of the jacket sleeves in a loose fist and snuggle into it.

“…despite how much of a departure it has been,” Logan says, unable to stop smiling, “I’m not at all incentivized to change.”

“No,” J agrees, “neither am I.”

And they don’t. None of them do. Patton still eats and bakes with V, Remus still spends time with him at the lake. J will curl up in sunny spots in the forest with V nearby. The prince will go on walks around the forest with V at his heels. Logan works in the garden, side by side with him.

It’s pleasant.

Then Logan walks into the clearing one morning and has to brace himself against the door. Something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong.

Patton appears a moment later from inside V’s room, catching Logan’s gaze in the window. He shakes his head minutely. Logan clenches his jaw and stays put. A few seconds later and the prince’s door whips open so far the air whistles.

Logan reaches out and grabs his arm. “We can’t.”

“I know,” he mutters, grabbing Logan back, “I know we can’t.”

They stare at V’s room, holding each other still. Remus tears into the clearing a few moments later and grabs them too, not feral but close.

“Where’s J,” Remus growls after a moment, “where’s J?”

“Is he inside?”

“I haven’t seen him.”

I’m at the Gate, comes the message, making all of them relax a little, at V’s request.

Logan turns toward the portal. Anything?

No.

A few seconds later and Patton emerges, shushing their questions and guiding them into his room before sighing. The prince pulls him into his arms immediately and Remus hugs him from behind. J arrives and leans against the wall.

“It’s just one of those days,” Patton mumbles after a moment, letting the prince run his hand through his hair, “nothing we can do, really.”

The knowledge doesn’t make the situation any easier.

“Healing is not a straight line,” Logan murmurs as the prince helps Patton to the couch, “it’s…complicated.”

“I know. I just—“

Patton sighs, leaning further into the prince.

“…to take it all away,” he mumbles, “and make this easier.”

“We could always—“

“No, Duke,” J says firmly, cutting Remus off before he can propose burning down the village again, “that would not help.”

Remus pouts and snuggles closer to Patton’s back. Patton reaches back and awkwardly pats his arm.

“Someone should keep an eye on him,” he says quietly, “just in case…”

“We’ll take turns,” J says firmly, “it’s not fair if it’s all on you.”

They do. J takes the first shift as the rest of them help Patton recover. Then Remus, calling up one of his newest creations and toying with it on the stump. Then the prince, with his back against the tree, idly helping the vines grow stronger.

As the sun begins to hide behind the trees, Logan gently taps Roman’s shoulder and the prince gives him a nod. As the red door closes, Logan makes another swing, leaning his head back to look at the clouds.

Movement.

He looks, catching sight of V coming out of his room. V glances around, seeing Logan on the swing. Logan pats the empty space next to him. V sits, pulling his knees up to his chest.

He doesn’t speak. Logan doesn’t push. Instead, he rocks the swing gently, tipping his head back to watch the clouds. V wraps his arms around his legs and holds tightly. A couple of times, more movement draws Logan’s attention; V will open his mouth and close it without saying anything, his hands will ball into fists, his forehead will drop to his knees. Each time it becomes a little harder to stay still, stay quiet.

When V reaches up to his face, his hand a claw, making to scratch his skin, Logan breaks, reaching out to intercept it before V can do it and gently tangling their fingers.

“Don’t do that,” he says softly, “please.”

He can’t help the soft noise he makes when V turns to him, eyes rimmed red, jaw shaking. Slowly, slow enough that V can pull away if he wants, he reaches out to wipe the lone tear away from his cheek.

The hand in his tenses. A dull ache blooms in his chest as he watches. V’s shaking against his palm and so unsure of whether he’s going to pull away. Then his eyes squeeze shut and forces himself away.

“Hey, hey,” he calls, concerned, “where’re you going?”

“S-sorry.”

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” he assures, keeping a hold on V’s hand, “but you don’t have to pull away if you don’t want to.”

“This is so stupid,” V hisses, “it’s so stupid, it’s so stupid and I—I can’t do anything and I keep crying and—and I don’t just wanna cry all the time and it’s so fucking stupid—“

“Shh, shh,” Logan murmurs, reaching out to cup V’s face in his hands, “you’re not being stupid, little one, it’s alright.”

“But I’m still doing this and I shouldn’t be and I—“

“That’s enough,” he says when V tries to scratch again, “hush now, come here…”

V buries his head in his hands—not scratching, thankfully—and whines. Logan rests their foreheads together, pushing easy, easy…breathe…settle…safety.

“You’re healing, V,” he murmurs, “and this is how. Shh, shh, it is, little one. Your system knows it’s safe, now, or at least it’s starting to, and it’s letting itself start trying to figure everything out.”

“It—it hurts.”

“I know, little one, I know.” Logan rests his chin on top of V’s head. “I know it hurts…but you can’t stop here. Healing isn’t a straight line, little one, it’s going to feel worse before it feels better.”

“Why can’t it just stop?”

The plea in V’s voice aches as he pulls V closer, rubbing his head gently with his fingertips. He keeps murmuring gentle encouragement, soft reassurances, until V slumps into his hold.

“You’re doing very well,” Logan says quietly, “I’m proud of you.”

“…you are?”

“Yes, little one, I am.” He gently lifts V’s chin and wipes away another tear. “So proud.”

V swallows. “C-can I ask you a question?”

“Of course, little one, you needn’t ask.”

“Why…why are you being like this with me?” At Logan’s head tilt, V stammers: “I—I just—you…you’re not…normally?”

“Like what, little one,” Logan asks gently, shifting so he’s facing V properly.

“The others…they say you’re not normally so…”

Ah. “You were awake that morning,” he murmurs, “weren’t you?”

V nods.

“J has a point,” Logan admits, “and I presume the others have made similar comments?” V nods. “Then they all have a point. I am not typically so…openly affectionate.”

V mumbles something. Logan chucks him lightly under the chin. “A little louder, please?”

“…said you went soft.”

“Was that the prince?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he at least is in a position to talk,” Logan mutters, “J, on the other hand…”

It makes V giggle which is the important part.

“And you’re curious as to why I am so…soft with you?” At V’s hesitant nod, Logan smiles. “What if it’s because I should be soft with you?”

“…what?”

“You have survived terrible things,” Logan says quietly, “and you are just starting to heal from them. Healing things must be treated gently and with care.”

V’s breath hitches. Oh. Oh, dear.

“The flower you feel asleep protecting, it was healing, wasn’t it?” V nods. “In many ways, this is how I feel about you.”

Logan takes a deep breath, leaning forward to touch their foreheads again.

“I am…protective of you,” he confesses, “you mean a great deal to me. And you, you are so…so ready to be hurt and I will never hurt you. So yes, V…I’m being gentle.”

“…fuck.”

Logan lets V bury his head in his shoulder and cry.

“Hey, L?”

“Yes?”

V looks up at him from his spot on the swing. “What’s a family?”

Logan blinks. “A…a family?” V nods. “Well, in terms of some scientific classifications, a family is the name for one of the groupings of living organisms.”

“I mean like—like people family.”

V shifts to listen properly as Logan turns to him, brow’s furrowed.

“Well…technically speaking, a family is a group of people that share a biological relationship through genetic material, but—“ he lays his hands in his lap— “in a broader sense, a family is a group of people that care deeply about each other. They support each other and form an environment that feels safe for the people involved.”

“W-what else?”

Logan sighs. “I believe Pat would be a better person to ask about this, my expertise in this area is limited.”

“Pat was telling me a story,” V mumbles, “mentioned a family. I, uh…wanted to know…I wanted to ask you.”

Logan adjusts his glasses. “I see. Well…I would say a family is…a family is home.”

“Home?”

“Somewhere you feel safe, where you know you will be cared for.” Logan looks at V. “Where you know you won’t be hurt, and you will be surrounded by people who love you.”

V swallows heavily. “A-are…are you my family?”

Oh.

“If you would like me to be,” he murmurs, “I would be honored to be part of your family.”

“Can the others be too?”

“If you wish, I—oh.”

V all but throws himself into Logan’s arms, making the swing falter. Logan hugs back tightly, unable to stop the smile spreading across his face. He feels it start to seep into the bond and he bends down.

“I think the others heard you,” he whispers, “and I imagine they will also want to hug you, if that’s alright.”

“…we should get off the swing, then.”

Logan chuckles, helping them to the ground and waving his hand to let the vines disappear. Sure enough, not a few seconds later, Remus drops from the trees and wraps his arms around the both of them with an excited squeal.

“Aww! I love you too, little monster.”

Then comes the prince, who gasps at the fact that Remus got here first, that’s rude, don’t tell him he should’ve been faster, he was working, move over!

Then Patton, dashing out of his door and almost skidding into them, wrapping his arms around V and letting him rest his head against his collarbone.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

“Oh, come off it,” the prince huffs, “we know you want to hug him just as bad, get down here.”

“Rude,” J mumbles, somehow managing to wrap his arms around all of them. Well, he does have six. He chuckles when V bonks his head affectionately against his. “Hello, little mouse.”

“Hi,” V mumbles, his speech becoming more slurred. “‘M tired.”

“You go to sleep then,” Patton says gently, “we won’t go anywhere.”

“Damn right,” Remus mutters, shoving the prince over. Logan rolls his eyes and pulls V more fully onto his lap. “Hey! Stop hogging him!”

“Shh! He’s trying to sleep!”

“You shh!”

“Kiddos.”

“Sorry.”

J chuckles, stroking through V’s hair. He whines softly and the prince gasps.

“Oh, he’s adorable!”

“Isn’t he?”

“Wait, do it again.”

He does, gently scritching his fingers around the crown of V’s head. Then he gets a gleam in his eye and Logan tenses. A second later, the others are making their own noises of contentment as one of J’s hands stroked through their hair.

“I regret to inform you,” Logan says quietly, “that you are all adorable.”

J chuckles in agreement. Then, of course, V decides to flop onto Logan’s shoulder and on instinct, Logan rests his head against V’s. J smirks.

“Oh, dear…”

“Hush.”

“I hardly said anything.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“Mm.” J’s fingers tap lightly against Logan’s neck, working their way between his head and V’s. It sends a shiver down Logan’s spine.

“You talk a big game,” J murmurs back, giving Logan’s head a gentle flick, “about the others being overprotective and prone to emotional choices, but you…”

He smirks and motions to V, dozing on Logan’s shoulder.

“You know you’re just as bad as they are, don’t you, honey?”

“As are you.”

“Oh, did I say that I wasn’t? I missed the part when I said that.”

“Again, you didn’t have to.”

J huffs, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Oh, please. I’m not the one who believes I don’t have emotional decisions, only logical ones. I haven’t rationalized my emotional decisions as logical ones, only making me more susceptible to them.”

He chuckles when Logan elbows him half-heartedly.

“I know why my behavior has changed,” Logan murmurs, too low for any of the others to hear, “do you?”

It wipes the smirk of J’s face, that’s for sure. He looks at V, then back to Logan.

“Mortals are meant to be separate,” he whispers finally, “they are not meant to stay. We are not meant to care for them.”

“And yet—“ Logan cups V’s head protectively— “here we are.”

“Here we are,” J agrees, “sleep well, little mouse.”

And…if this is what a family is, then Logan firmly believes that everyone should have one.

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hopeshoodie · 3 years

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I can’t believe it took me until part 8 to do my favorite boy but

Here are the pros and cons of dating

Noah

Cons

Noah is really non confrontational, so he tends to let issues fester. It’s not that he’s trying to let things build up, it’s just that he doesn’t think they’re important enough to bring up. He won’t start a fight about them when they’ve built up, but if MC is angry about something he’ll mention that there’s a bunch of things he’s let go but not have specifics. It ends up coming out like ‘yeah well what about all the other things?!’ ‘what other things!?’ ‘I don’t remember!!’. He’s not actively keeping track of all her mistakes, he genuinely does forgive and forget, but then when tensions come to a boil he needs to point out that there has been conflict that he just ignored. He’s not trying to guilt or gaslight MC, but sometimes it feels like it. If she thinks especially little of his intentions, it feels like he’s just pulling things out of thin air to be mad instead of focusing on the issue. That’s not what he’s doing- he just doesn’t address little things until they feel like big things. But of course he hasn’t done the introspection to truly understand how doing this is hurtful or articulate that he doesn’t mean it to be.

When he and MC disagree, he lets things go wayyy too easily. This is fine if MC is a really mature, self-reflective person who can see that she’s crossed a line after the fact. But if MC is a little more selfish/immature, like Lottie, this is a huge con because he doesn’t give her accountability that would help her grow. We saw this with Hope- she wasn’t able to recognize how harmful her temper was when she was dating Noah because he never pointed it out, he just rolled over. If there’s a genuine problem- financial, emotional, logistically, he’ll ‘let it go’ until it’s a way bigger problem (and much harder to solve).

Sorry that most of these cons are about how he fights with people, but that’s what we saw in-game lol. I’d love to know more about how Lucas or Rahim fight with their partners. But when you’re arguing, Noah tends to focus on really little details of what you said instead of listening to the whole thing and getting a sense of the bigger picture. So let’s say the issue is ‘Noah, I need you to tell me when you’re borrowing my car because you took it to the gym and then it went from having enough gas to get me to work in the morning to being on empty. This morning I had to stop for gas and that made me late.” The issue there is actually ‘please tell me when you’re using my car”, but he fixates on the gas part and says “well fine I can fill up your tank”. So he focuses on little details that he can fix instead of acknowledging the actual problem.

He internalizes things so fucking hard. Yes he intellectually knows that when MC gives him feedback on things she’s talking about his BEHAVIOR and not him as a person, but he definitely feels like shit about himself if he makes a mistake and MC calls him on it. He’ll definitely beat himself up about things for weeks after it happens, and his internal dialogue in general is pretty toxic.

I can see him being a bit of a workaholic. Not in the same sense that Camilo is in Boat Party, but Noah definitely will go into the library on a day he’s scheduled to be off if he has projects to work on or will stay late because he got engrossed in research. Same thing now that the library’s closed because of COVID- it takes him two times as long to put everyone online and work from home, so he’s spending more time working than ever. He views it through the lens of the ‘greater good’- getting that display set up for the patrons is more important that seeing his wife two hours earlier because many members of the community outnumber one person. Plus he just cares so much about his work that he has a hard time seeing it as an inconvenience to other people.

He loves his family so much. Even when MC and he get married and have kids, he struggles to prioritize them over his siblings and parents. So if his little brother Arlo needs money, Noah won’t hesitate to give him a loan even if he and MC are struggling financially. If his aging mom or dad can’t live alone anymore, Noah will invite them to move in with his family, even if their house isn’t big enough to accommodate more people. I can see this being a huge point of contention, especially in that second scenario where MC would have to take on a caretaker role as well. Noah just wants to help people so bad and has a hard time saying no, so that can sometimes impede his partner.

He’s really used to living on low income, and so he has a lot of frugal habits and concessions that he thinks are normal that someone more middle or upper class might find irritating. These are all coming from my experience and things partners have complained about- but think things like only eating out once a month or refusing to turn the heat on until it’s dangerous or making his own laundry detergent. He grew up doing them out of necessity (and still does, student debt on a public librarian’s budget? I couldn’t do it), so he doesn’t realize how strange or frustrating his habits might be to someone who isn’t used to it. He also has a really hard time justifying spending excessive amounts of money, so if MC has lavish taste there’s going to be some conflict.

He doesn’t like initiating anything. Conversations, activities… you know *smirk emoji*. He will, but the ratio of when Noah suggests something to when MC does is like 1:8

My boy is beautiful, and his clothes look lovely, but he has 7 outfits that he rewears all the time. The closest thing to fashion is him putting a different button up shirt underneath his vest. It’s definitely a joke at work that he wears the same sweater, button up, and quarter length shirt just in different colors. You know that vine where the teacher walks into the room wearing the same shirt in different colors, saying the same ‘hello’ for like a million days. Noah’s coworkers remake that with him, because that’s exactly what he does.

He’s a bit of a homebody, and loves routine. For me, massive plus, I love that. But for someone who wants to party regularly or be spontaneous, I can see constantly changing plans and going out with people being really draining to Noah. He has a small group of close friends, so he’d struggle to remember MC’s friends' names if she has more than five. Don’t get me wrong, Noah will take MC to galleries and dates at least three times a month, but it has to be discussed and scheduled in advance.

Pros

Honestly, what isn’t a pro about him? Noah is a steadfast, thoughtful, and kind person. His politics are about taking care of people, providing them dignity and respect, and building community. He loves his family and is incredibly patient. He’s incredibly smart but not at all classist or condescending about it. I know this is supposed to be about how the islanders affect the person they’re dating, but oh my god he’s such a good person I love him. Let’s just say the pro for this is his positive aura.

He’s really good at group dynamics and listening, so he goes out of his way to make everyone feel heard and valued. If someone says something and no one acknowledges it, he’ll specifically engage with them so they’re not left hanging. If someone’s trying to get a word in but can’t, he’ll get everyone’s attention then say ‘so and so had an idea’. He’s not one to boisterously laugh in group settings, but he always makes eye contact and smiles if you make a joke that flops or say something he agrees with. If people are teasing about something, he picks up if it’s gone too far really easily and will gracefully change the subject/tell them to knock it off.

He’s super conscientious about respecting boundaries and ensuring the people around him are taking care of himself. If MC and him are long distance and texting after 10pm, he’ll be like “I love you, but we’ve both got to sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow”. He’ll always check and make sure people have eaten when meeting up with them, and if they haven’t he’ll insist they get food from somewhere. 100% gives you his jacket, brings you water bottles, in general just wants you to take care of yourself.

Above all else, Noah just always ensures the people around him feel safe. The last thing he’d want to do is make people uncomfortable, so safe driving, safe spaces, safe sex are all musts. He’s really good in crisis situations because he can calm people down and encourage them to think critically.

Building off of that, he’s really aware of how much of the housework is being done by who and always tries to ensure he’s doing his part. I bet that was a big thing he ripped on Rahim for- Rahim expects his woman to clean up after him and do the bulk of the domestic work, and Noah knows that’s bullshit. I think Noah likes cleaning, anyways, and will usually take laundry/disinfecting bathrooms/cleaning dishes over cooking or running errands. But the mental load of keeping track of recipes/groceries that need replenishing and keeping up with kids needs, he’s aware of the imbalance and does his part. Obvious plus, because it sounds fucking exhausting to date a man. He fucking hates vaccuming though, and will splurge on a roomba.

He has a dry sense of humor that’s very based in puns and hyperbole. Sometimes it’s hard to know when he’s joking or not, but he never makes you feel bad for missing a joke or dwells on something for too long. He absolutely subscribes to the Mcelroys’ No Bummers rule, there are some things you don’t joke about and he’s happy to shut down inappropriate comments or ‘jokes’. He definitely prefers physical gaffs and dumb ways of saying things, so his favorite comedians are John Mulaney and Chris Fleming. While humor isn’t an important part of how he relates to other people, Noah enjoys being around funny people and won’t shut down their energy like Rahim, Marisol, or Hope.

This is just me projecting again but Noah is generoussss. Even though he doesn’t make a lot of money at the library, he still has a ‘mutual aid’ budget each month (and goes over it often). He’s the first one to give money to panhandlers, donate to gofundmes, and give friends/family personal loans. That definitely gets him into sticky situations sometimes, because he has a hard time saying no and can get taken advantage of, but ultimately I think it’s a pro because he’ll never forget where he came from and always prioritize helping other people.

He has a really pretty, deep singing voice and this is a pro to me because fuck I meltttttt.

The shit he says to his partner or spouse? THE most romantic thing in the world. You think Mr. “you’re made of stardust” doesn’t shower his lover with the most meaningful lines at random times? You think he’s not quoting sappho and jane austen when he’s at a loss for words? You think he’s NOT going to turn over in bed on a lazy Saturday and say ‘this is the most perfect my life will ever be’? It’s not even prompted either, yes he’ll compliment Bobby or MC when they get all dressed up for date night, but more often he’ll profess his adoration in the middle of dinner, then take another forkful of food.

Fantastic with kids, and this is a huge pro because people who can work with kids and be patient/positive with them make me so fuckim soft. But if/when (hopefully when because if MC didn’t want kids I don’t think it’d last) they had kids, Noah is happy to be on bottle duty, wake up early to the baby, and generally be a really involved parent. He’ll take a big chunk of paternity leave, and generally be there as much as humanly possible. Even when they have multiple little tyrants running around, he always makes time to be alone with MC and make sure she’s not taking on too much.

He’s basically a lesbian, which is definitely a reason I love him so much. Hear me out- loves milfs, loves 80s music, communicates affection through meaningful glances and playing with hair but will die before explicitly saying any of it, crushes on his best friend for the longest time but never makes the first move, puts way too much emotional meaning and personal metaphors into objects and then presents them as gifts, is into fandoms and actively collects pop figures, is attracted to assertive/powerful women, wears beige skinny jeans, wears VESTS….. That’s a lesbian. He’s a bisexual man, but he’s also an honorary lesbian.

A really good confidant. Noah’s an amazing listener and never judges people harshly- his life philosophy is as long as you’re not hurting anymore or yourself, everything else is details. So you can definitely tell him secrets and confess regrets to him and he’ll listen with those soft eyes and gentle nods. Talking to him about mistakes always feels like unburdening yourself. And he’d never tell your secret to anyone. Doesn’t matter if you cheat on him, lie to him, or die, he’s never going to tell anyone your secrets.

#litg #litg noah #pros and cons

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sunshinereversed · 4 years

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𝙙𝙮𝙡𝙖𝙣’𝙨 “𝙛𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙡𝙡”: 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙮𝙨𝙞𝙨

I think it’s eerily prophetic how the song “Flowers on the Wall” (performed by the Statler Brothers) radiates so strongly with Dylan Klebold. The country tune has already been associated with Dylan because it appears in the background of the video where he and Nate are driving to school. But if you really listen to the lyrics and reflect on Dylan’s inner struggles, they coincide strangely well.

Let’s take the very first line of the song.

I keep hearin' you're concerned about my happiness.

The constant ‘Are you okay? Are you sure you’re okay? You seem so down lately’ from his parents, especially Sue, is reflected here. His mother sees that Dylan is ‘moody and irritable,’ often withdrawn, spending time hauled up in his room. She notices the tightness of his voice, which is unlike him, and she offers to make him French toast or an omelet. This must be about something small, she thinks. Yet his sullen demeanor stays as days turn to weeks, and she must ask again in vain, ‘Are you okay?’

But all that thought you're givin' me is conscience, I guess.

It doesn’t even cross Sue’s mind that her son may be unwell. She is simply asking out of concern for him looking unhappy, believing whatever it is will solve itself out. His mother wears her heart on her sleeve, and it pains her to see him so sad. But what can she do if he refuses to talk about it? All she can do is ask and wait for it to pass. He’s a good kid, after all. He’ll do the right thing because she’s worked hard to instill her morals into what he does.

If I were walkin' in your shoes, I wouldn't worry none.

Dylan reassures her repeatedly. ‘I’m only tired. I have a lot of homework. Nothing’s wrong. No one gives me a tough time, I’m 6’4”.’ He wishes she would leave him alone. He thinks she wouldn’t understand; she wouldn’t listen. He tells his parents not to worry. ‘You can trust me,’ he tells his mother one evening after the prom. Dylan goes out of his way to prove that he is the golden child. It works, and they worry none.

While you 'n' your friends are worried about me I'm havin' lots of fun.

Dylan’s social life serves as a mask for what is going on in his mind. He goes over to his friends’ houses, bowls on Friday nights, makes videos after school, plays catch with his dad, and even watches old movies with his mother. He has pictures of good times with friends. Outwardly, he is smiling; life is a dream. This makes his parents rethink their concerns. He’s a happy kid who does normal teenage things. What is there to worry about? He’s assuring those around him that he’s fine.

Now here comes the chorus, which is a bit tricky but makes sense when you consider these things:

Countin' flowers on the wall.

If anyone is familiar with the book The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, this might be a clue. Like the protagonist in the book, Dylan is trapped in his four-walled cell (his bedroom) which is where he does most of his thinking and spiraling downwards. This is where he writes in his journal and vents his frustrations. It’s a toxic environment for his brain. His room is where he cries himself to sleep; hugs his pillow in loneliness; gets drunk by himself. Most importantly, it’s where he blurs fantasy and reality. While not as plainly mad as the poor woman from Gilman’s novel, Dylan is mentally tortured by what he perceives to be ‘an unfair/miserable existence’ and being ‘stuck in humanity.’ He rejects both, and often retreats into his fantasy where he is with his love and away from the world. The ‘flowers on the wall’ symbolizes his own deception of life when he is alone, and might not only symbolize his bedroom, but also his brain.

That don't bother me at all.

Unlike the real world, Dylan very much prefers to live in the fictional one he’s conjured within his mind. It’s his safe place. Paradoxically, his mind is also where he tears himself down and others around him. It’s a poisonous escape. Yet he is already so far gone in that escape, he can’t see the damage he is doing to himself. And he continues to do so, unbothered, and unaware.

Playin' solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one.

‘Playing solitaire’ could be a metaphor symbolizing his isolation and loneliness, his solitude. Solitaire is a single-player game, and Dylan feels alienated most of the time, especially when he is sulking in his room. Thinking, always thinking. Sometimes, as the line implies, until dawn. He is a night owl who cannot sleep because his mind is constantly awake. Playing music, conversing in chats on the computer, formulating poems in his notebooks, doodling, or just thinking (negatively). He oversleeps often because he is up late doing these things. He is alone, in the middle of the night, consumed by his own sadness. Something is missing inside him, and that is why he plays with ‘a deck of fifty-one.’ He thinks a significant other is the thing that is missing, and if he finds her, he will finally be playing with fifty-two cards, figuratively.

Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo.

For Dylan, this is a dichotomy. An everlasting contrast. The balance between two things, lightness, and darkness, good and evil, etc. He’s doing grown-up things like holding a job, applying to colleges, driving a car, and as the lyrics say, smoking cigarettes. Marlboro, preferably. At the same time, Dylan is caught between acting his age and longing for simpler days. This is where ‘watching Captain Kangaroo’ comes in. It’s a kid’s show and is intended for such an audience. Dylan thinks back with nostalgia for his childhood, when life wasn’t full of disappointments, stress, high school bullies, responsibility. He hangs onto items that remind him of his youth: his stuffed koala, origami, classic movies, his trademark baseball cap, his love for fixing old cars with his dad. Dylan is stuck somewhere in the middle of the two, never truly satisfied with one over the other.

Now don't tell me I've nothin' to do.

Again, Dylan tells those around him that he is perfectly fine by engaging in normal teenage things. He hides how depressed he feels. Dylan becomes increasingly irritated the more people ask if he’s okay. The repetition of this line throughout the song is more like a cry for help than a reassurance.

Last night I dressed in tails, pretended I was on the town.

This could symbolize several things, but what comes to my mind is Dylan’s prom night. The fact that he even goes to prom is a pleasant surprise to his parents, confirming that there’s nothing abnormal lurking on the horizon. His father helps him get dressed in his tuxedo, struggles to figure out how the bow tie works, and he pulls his newly washed hair back into a neat ponytail. His mother thinks he looks quite handsome, comparing him to a character in a movie they are both fond of. For a moment, he is just a normal high school kid going to a dance. Nothing out of the boring ordinary.

As long as I can dream it's hard to slow this swinger down.

For one night, at the prom, Dylan pretends this is his life. He is good at blocking out what he considers evil, and Dylan allows himself to enjoy the moment. He’s had a lot of practice at ignoring his pain. If he can retreat into the fantasy he’s created in his mind, he is capable of anything, good or bad. It’s like an out-of-body experience. He’s not there when he’s there. Nothing can stop him. He has two settings at this point, 0 and 100. An unhealthy dreamer can be deadly not only to others, but to the dreamer himself.

So please don't give a thought to me, I'm really doin' fine.

As mentioned previously, Dylan flies under the radar to not be asked about his well-being. He holds out his arms to point to all these social activities he’s engaging in with his friends as if to say ‘Look what I’m doing. I’m fine. Do not worry.’ It’s a cruel deception, and he doesn’t even realize he is being deceived as much as those around him are. Dylan starts to believe what he’s telling others. He doesn’t think he is worth the worry.

You can always find me here; I'm havin' quite a time.

‘Here’ can mean one of several places: his bedroom, his mind, or perhaps his existence. Either way, ‘I’m having quite a time’ is a sarcastic remark. He’s drowning in his harmful thoughts, yet that’s where he feels the safest. It’s his protective shell that he puts up against the world. Dylan entertains the idea over and over in his mind that his love is waiting for him in another existence. No matter where he physically is, he’s ‘always there’, lost in his thoughts.

The chorus repeats. Dylan outwardly seems okay. Left to his own devices, he is not.

It's good to see you, I must go, I know I look a fright.

This is a goodbye. Even though it is a casual farewell, it has deeply painful undertones. He says he didn’t like life too much but hopes he will find peace in the next one. He offers a final goodbye to those he loved, family and friends. ‘It’s good to see you’ displays how detached he feels toward the end. These are no longer people he knows fondly; it was simply good to see them. The thoughts must end, and he must leave before they worsen. Like the lyrics suggest, he doesn’t want to stick around and knows he must go. A big part of his self-esteem had to do with his self-image. The line ‘I know I look a fright’ symbolizes how negatively he thought of his own appearance. Dylan couldn’t see his own attractiveness. He felt awkward due to his height, long facial features, shaggy hair, and the way he dressed.

Anyway, my eyes are not accustomed to this light.

This is the trademark dark sunglasses that Dylan wears almost everywhere. He hides behind them, shielding his tears from the world. The light comes from the sun, and he cannot withstand the same light that others can, a nod to him feeling isolated from humanity. Though he is called the ‘sunshine boy,’ his eyes are not meant for its light. So, he dawns the shades to (metaphorically) keep it out.

And my shoes are not accustomed to this hard concrete.

Unlike the sneakers worn by the jocks at his high school, Dylan sports black combat boots. They are unusual among the other students, but Dylan feels comfortable in them. Again, he separates himself from the rest of humanity. He is not meant for it. He knows he must go somewhere he feels free.

So I must go back to my room and make my day complete.

By the end of the song, it becomes clear that Dylan now lives inside the world he’s created in his mind. It almost becomes odd for him not to retreat there at least once a day if not all the time. But like the final lyrics, he goes to stay there forever and never to return.

The final repetition of the chorus only emphasizes the truth. He was not ‘doing fine’, despite all the work of convincing others the opposite.

The last line loops again before the song ends. The upbeat and happy tune only makes the message more haunting.

Don't tell me I've nothin' to do.

And no one did.

#analysis #flowers on the wall #dylan klebold #american tragedy

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