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#Look Ugly And Built Wrong And Fat

mykoreanlove · 9 months

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fitting room.

“Wait – you want to come inside with me?!”

Panic flooded your whole body as you realized that Felix was about to enter the fitting room with you. He smiled at you broadly: “Of course pumpkin! I want to see how you look in those clothes.”

Your boyfriend, whom you started dating a couple of weeks ago, took you out shopping on this warm summer night. You welcomed the idea as you loved spending time with him, but you dreaded the thought of him seeing you change.

“Wait… don’t you want me to come with you?”

His pained expression tore your heart apart. Of course, you wanted to be with him. If it was up to you, you would spend every minute of your day with him. This dark-haired personification of sunshine stole your heart the minute he smiled at you.

But you were hesitant at the idea of him coming with you into the monstrous invention that were fitting rooms. Those small spaces always made you feel insecure and ugly. The bright lightning highlighted all the parts of your body that you wanted to hide so badly. You had no intention of taking him with you in there.

Felix noticed the war you fought internally, so he grabbed your hands and squeezed them, hoping to distract your inner monologue. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

His eyes held so much compassion for you, he was dearly worried about your well-being. Realizing how much he cared for you made you beyond happy. You took a deep breath before confessing your insecurities to him. “I don’t want you to see me change…”, you mumbled silently.

Felix frowned as he did not understand your discomfort. “But why? It’s nothing I haven’t already seen, pumpkin.” He smiled again, hoping you would make it make sense to him.

You huffed out in despair: “Lix, those fitting rooms are every woman’s worst nightmare. They are super narrow so of course you naturally feel like a fat giant. And that hospital lightning – I mean you will see every lump, every dimple and all of my stretch marks. I don’t want you to see my flaws.”

Felix had wondered why you would always turn off the lights when you got intimate with him, but he never dared to ask. He fought his own self love battles a long time ago, but the memory of the shame that came with it was still fresh in his mind.

He never wanted to rush you, but he just did. Guilt was flooding his body as he saw what his careless remarks did to you. Felix squeezed your delicate hands again and apologized.

“Pumpkin, I am sorry. I had no idea you felt that way about your body. Just so you know I don’t agree with you, but I don’t want to pressure you into anything you don’t want. Go ahead and change, I’ll wait over there with the other boyfriends.”

He was about to turn around when you stopped him. “Lix, wait!” Felix turned around and looked at you guessingly. You had never been with someone like Felix before – someone that understood you and let you breathe. You were used to guys that criticized or ridiculed you for your body, so you never had the courage to open up to them.

But not with Felix – it was as if he grasped your every concern with his whole being. You felt safe with him, so you tried to show him more of your vulnerable side. You grabbed him by his hand and ushered him into the next dressing room.

It was just as you had dreaded – narrow, brightly lit and full of mirrors positioned on every side. You watched yourself mortified before your gaze landed on Felix.

Felix, who was looking at you as if you put the stars in the night sky. Felix, who hugged you from behind and whispered into your ear: “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, pumpkin. Because you’re marvelous.” He placed a sweet kiss on your cheek. His love gave you the courage to undress in front of him.

And now you were standing in this small space, exposed in nothing but your underwear, displaying all of your flaws to your godlike built boyfriend. Your bravery ended at stripping down though; you couldn’t face him right now. You felt Felix’ hands caressing your hips and crossing in front of your stomach as his soft lips found your ear. “Now tell me, baby, where exactly are all those flaws you mentioned?” You felt your cheeks fill with heat as you sensed his hot breath on you. “Well for starters, you’re holding one of my flaws right now.”

This was killing you. Your insecurities were eating you from the inside. You already started imagining the worst he could say. “You’re right, y/n. Your stomach is horrific. Why won’t you lose some weight? It’s not that hard.”, followed by him looking at you disgusted and leaving the fitting room.

Felix’ snort let you come back to reality.

“You think this”, he was applying pressure on your stomach as he was talking, “you think this is a flaw?” You nodded your head in agreement. “Oh pumpkin, you little fool.”

Felix turned you around and got down on his knees. Looking up at you he flashed you a warm smile before pampering your stomach with sweet kisses. His actions made you laugh, so you ushered him to stop. “Lix, what the hell, stop.”, you giggled in front of him. He had a devilish smirk on his lips as he looked up at you again.

“I love your stomach, y/n. I love how it holds all of your organs for you. I love how it lets you eat and digest and breathe in deeply. I love how it looks. I love your little navel. I love to kiss it. I love to lay my head on it. I love feeling it rise with every breath. I really, really love your stomach, pumpkin.”

Tears started to form in the brink of your eyes. No one had ever adored your stomach like that, not even yourself.

“What else?”, he whispered. You took a deep breath before pointing out the stretch marks on your hips. “I hate them.”

Felix’s hands landed on your hips again. He was tracing the outlines of your stretch marks, touching the skin cautiously. “Maybe I shouldn’t call you pumpkin anymore.”

Panic arose in your body once more. You knew it. You were disgusting. Of course, he wouldn’t want to be with someone like you. The tone of his voice getting more playful with every touch: “Maybe I should call you tiger instead. Look at the swings of those lines, they are impeccable!”

You felt like an idiot. Here you were being worshipped by your perfect boyfriend, yet you played out one worst case scenario after the other. You looked down at Felix as you grabbed his dark hair, pulling at it lightly. His eyes sparkled with desire for you, they always did. “Where else, baby?”

With a heavy heart you turned around. You grabbed your ass and squeezed it lightly for him to examine. “Do you see all this cellulite?” Due to the many mirrors in the stall, you were able to see Felix’ expression firsthand. His eyes wide from excitement, his tongue licking his lips and hands ready to grab your ass, as well.

“Babe, all I see is your fantastic bubble butt. Do you really think I care about cellulite?” He squeezed your butt eagerly which caught you by surprise. You squeaked and jumped up, only to land in his arms again. He joined in on your laughter and held you close.

“Y/N, I think you’re beautiful. Like all of you is beautiful. I understand that it’s hard to see your body go through changes as you get older but that’s not a bad thing. Baby, you get to get older, not everyone does.” You shared an intimate look with each other in the mirror in front of you.

„Why don’t you think of age as levels? With each passing year you get up one level in the game of life. And getting dimples or stretch marks means you get to wear a new armor. Isn’t that exciting?”

You loved the way he saw life. You knew that his mindset was built on many hours of struggle and hard work, which made you love him even more. You still looked at him in the mirror, but this time you smiled. A whole genuine smile, one that reached your eyes, as well. Felix smiled back at you before ushering you to move your head. “Gimme a kiss, pumpkin.”

You two kissed, tenderly and sweet, while being embraced in the small confines of the dressing room. “Now, will you put on the clothes we’ve picked out for you? I wanna get out of here and show you how much I adore your body in private.” He smirked one last time before kissing you again.

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coilovesskz · 6 months

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Perfect - LEE KNOW

pairing: idol!minho x fem!reader

word count: 0.9k

warnings: insecure reader, hurt comfort, lots of crying, cursing, pls dont let this make you think things about yourself 🙏🏾

A/N : I actually, love this?!?! Incredibly self indulgent! PS : YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! Despite anything anyone says please know you are perfect the way you are, even tho it may not seem like that.

“You could have anyone you want, why would you want to be with me? I’m nothing special..” - Jealousy- eye dress

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

You were having a hard time recently. You and your boyfriend had finally gotten the go ahead to make your relationship public from his company. You wanted this, to let everyone know you were his, and you had gotten tons of support from fans, but there was still the hate.

The hate was small at first, a negative comment here and there. You knew this was going to happen, you just weren’t prepared for how much it would actually affect you.

You went from laughing it off, to it making you insecure, to crying. The post about you, the comments about how “ugly” and “fat” you are. The numerous tweets that criticize every single thing you do. It made every last day feel like hell.

Now you were here, reading the comments you swore that you would stop reading as streams of tears ran down your face. You know you shouldn’t be doing this, that it’s not good for you. But you can’t help but feel like you somehow deserved this.

“Y/n, im home!” You heard Minho’s voice say. Fuck. He must have gotten off of work early, he’s not supposed to be home for another hour.

You quickly try to gather yourself as you hear him put down his bag, walking towards the door. You tuck your phone away, before looking for someway to cover your face, but he was already at the door.

“Y/n, how was your d-“ he stops as he takes in your expression. Your eyes were puffy and red, and you just had a genuinely tired look on your face.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” He asks, trying to find out why you appeared as if you had been crying, and most importantly, why you were trying to hide it from him.

“N-nothing.” You lied, and he knew it. Before you could protest he was already sitting on the bed, pulling you into his arms. Minho looked at you with gentle eyes, silently coaxing you to speak. And like a chain reaction, you started sobbing, hiding your face in his shirt.

He immediately started running his hand up and down your back, making you cry even louder, if that was even possible.

“I- I just-“ you tried to say, but the tears made in sound like pathetic chokes as all the emotions you were trying to keep from him, desperately left you.

“It’s ok, take your time.” He whispers, trying to soothe your crying whilst also allowing you to finish. He knew that you needed to get all of this off of your chest.

After a few minutes, you finally stop crying. You peel your face away from Minho’s now soaked shirt, not that it mattered to him anyways. His soft and glossy eyes met yours, giving you all the freedom to speak up when you were ready.

“I was reading comments about me, and it made me start thinking. I don’t deserve you. You deserve better than me, you could be dating any other person, but you’re dating me. I’m not pretty, I’m not that smart, I’m just everything that you aren’t. You’re beautiful min, you’re so talented and smart. I’m nothing, I’m not special at all.” You choked out, letting everything that was pent up in your mind free.

You reconnected your eyes with his, feeling a little guilty when you saw a fresh tear roll out of Minho’s eyes.

When he didn’t respond, a pit of worry built in your stomach. You thought this was the moment that he was going to admit that everything the comments said were in fact true.

You tried to pull away, but his firm arms kept you in place. You looked away, ashamed to even be in his presence, but he brought up a hand and turned your face towards his.

“How did those thoughts come into that pretty brain of yours, hm? You’re so smart y/n, you’re the smartest person I know. You’re incredibly talented at what you do as well. Don’t even get me started, on how beautiful you are. You’re so fucking beautiful that it makes my head spin. You drive me crazy, you know that? You know how hard it is to keep my composure when you wear that dress of yours, how quick my heart races when you simply look at me, and how you make me feel like I’ve ascended to heaven when you simply flash your gorgeous smile at me. God, you’re so intoxicating. I can’t even imagine how these thoughts appeared in your mind when you’re so perfect.”

You were not sure when you began crying again. You thought he didn’t love you anymore, that he was just keeping you around because he didn’t have the heart to tell you. But his confession was anything but that.

“I love you so much, I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. You mean everything to me ok? Let me love you so much that you never think of anything like that ever again.” He asks gently.

“Okay…” you stammer timidly. The things be said repeating in your mind, coaxing your brain like honey and making anything negative thoughts scatter.

“I’m going to run a bath for us now, ok?” He suggested, and you nodded yes before he walked away, starting the water.

Your eyes watered again, this time not out of pain, but out of love. You no longer had to second guess how much love he had for you, you knew now.

You knew that no matter what you were going through, he would always be there for you. No matter what.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

back to the surface..🌊🫧

#stray kids #straykids x reader #skz fluff #skz #skz x reader #lee know #lee minho #lee know x reader #skz hurt/comfort

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pumpkzsafeplace · 6 months

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anon asks 💌 : being a bigger body in a small world (dealing with weight issues)

weight is such a big security of many people and can take so much time to overcome! so here are some pumpkin tips & facts to hopefully help in your body positivity journey 💗

❀•°❀°•❀

no perfect size.🌸

despite what social media would want you to believe- there is no perfect size.

each body is built differently & holds different insecurities. what someone hates on themselves, others may be envy off.

the media over time has managed to influence all genders into thinking you need to be a specific way to be deemed attractive, when that’s simply not the case.

each person’s preference is different & if you’re looking for that in the future, i can promise there will be someone out there who loves & adores you for you.

with spots, stretch marks, scars, tummies, chubby cheeks, thick thighs, patchy beard n all! <3.

❀•°❀°•❀

being bigger /= ugly 🎀

being a bigger size doesn’t equal being ugly.

there is so much beauty that surrounds bigger figured people, take the greek statues for instance. the women are carved with full tummies and chubby faces- would that deem them unattractive?

you can still dress beautiful, feel beautiful & look beautiful in your size. you just have to go with what feels & looks right on you! <3

❀•°❀°•❀

shop for your body, not your mind. 🌸

sometimes we deem ourselves 10 x bigger in our heads then we actually are in reality, believe me i know <3.

but i recently came to the realisation that buying clothes that don’t fit our body- just make the inner demons worse.

there is nothing wrong with having a tummy pouch, there is nothing wrong with having hip dips, there is nothing wrong with having baggy upper arms.

so stop dressing like you’re ashamed of yourself because of other peoples opinions. they’re not you. they don’t know how you feel, they don’t know how much you fight daily, they don’t know the struggles you face.

so don’t give them the right to verdict what you can and can’t wear. wear whatever makes you comfortable, whatever makes you feel your natural self & be proud of that <3

❀•°❀°•❀

ignore people 🎀

i’ve been called fat my entire life, even off my own family.

if it was up to my mum, i’d be 24 & have the same body type i did when i was unwell at 14- but i don’t.

you want to know why? time moves on, life changes.

my body matured. i grew into my features! and i blossomed into the body i have today. and honestly, that in itself is a gift- so don’t let anyone take it away from you.

be whatever body type you are & be proud of it! 💗

you only have one body, love it & it will love you back in return! 💗

gif isn’t mine

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gayvampyr · 2 years

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like honestly i’m sick of skinny people thinking that it’s okay for them to be incredibly, horrifically fatphobic as long as they have an eating disorder, esp considering most people who make fat peoples lives a living hell ARE THESE EXACT PEOPLE. you are not exempt from criticism for your bigotry because you have an illness that’s literally romanticized by most people. it doesn’t matter if you think you’re fat because you’re still making actual fat people feel like shit. we have such a high rate of suicide because of y’all so i really don’t give a shit about what you think you look like. y’all will say such hurtful things like “i can’t wait to go back to starving myself so i don’t look like a fat pig in public and so people will think i’m pretty again” and think that it only affects you because none of you give a single nanometer of consideration to actual fat people, especially fat people with eating disorders. you are the kind of people who would bully us in school, who would ridicule and humiliate us by saying that if you looked like *that* you’d kill yourself, and then in the same breath say that your thighs are too big despite them being half the size of ours. you are the reason fat kids and teens get depression and grow up thinking that they are horrible and ugly, and that they must’ve done something wrong to be so fat.

we go back through our history, trying to find the reason we’re fat and what we can change so we aren’t, but we can’t find anything because we were born this way, our bodies are naturally built this way. and because we can’t find the source of the problem, we start blaming everything— our diet, how much sleep we’re getting, how much exercise we’re doing, and suddenly our whole lives become centered around getting thinner. so we starve ourselves and push past our bodies’ limits, and when this work ultimately amounts to nothing because our bodies return to their natural state, then we think, “maybe i’d be better off dead because nothing else works and im still worthless” because you skinny people drilled that idea into our heads. and you believe it. you wholeheartedly believe that we are people who failed at being skinny, and that because we aren’t working hard enough to lose weight, we’re lazy and useless and don’t deserve to live a fulfilling life. and you internalize this idea which skews how you view yourself and the people around you, and you develop an eating disorder, which you think justifies your hatred of fat people. (spoiler: it doesn’t).

i am fat. have been my whole life. and my doctors congratulated me when i was starving myself and even then i was still overweight and no one noticed or cared when i was anorexic. because fat people are not seen as equals, no one thinks of us when they hear “eating disorder,” everyone assumes we’re just gluttonous over-indulgent lazy hedonists who lay around and “pig out” on cakes all day like we’re 18th century nobles or some shit and im sick of you all exempting yourselves from discussions about the issue as if you’re not the primary perpetrators of fatphobia

tl;dr: if you’re skinny and have an ED you’re just as capable of fatphobia as everyone else and im sick of you pretending you’re not

#ed tw #fatphobia #text post #pin

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twst-random · 2 years

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Ace is definitely that one friend that defends his friends when they’re being made fun of

—

“Epel, are these the guys?” Ace asked

“Ace— It’s fine really, you don’t have to do anything-“ Epel tried

“Nono, I just want to talk to them 😇” Ace innocently said

Epel knowing that innocent tone tried to stop Ace

“ACE NO—“

Epel couldn’t do anything to stop Ace

—

“Uhh.. what’s happening here??” Deuce asked confused on why Ace was yelling at 3 second years

“Apparently Epel got insulted by those guys and now Ace is going off on them” Jack replied while eating popcorn

“Oh okay”

“WAIT WHAT?? DO YOU NOT REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WHEN ACE LAST DID THIS??” Deuce yelled

“Yeah, but they deserve it tbh” Answered Jack

“Oh? What’s happening and why is Ace yelling at those 3?” Vil suddenly approached as he happened to walk by

Deuce yelped as he heard the pretty mans voice

“Oh uh- uhm.. mm…—“ Deuce tried replying but got interrupted by Aces shouting

“YOU DO NOT MAKE FUN OF EPEL YOU NASTY MUSTY DUSTY SMELLY DIRTY CLOWN ASS—“

“Hmm.. all because of my sweet potato? Interesting..” Vil mumbled

They then immediately switched their attention to Ace violating the 3 second years

“ALL OF YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A PART TIME JOB AT A CARNIVAL, YOUR DADS PROBABLY NEVER RETURNED FROM GETTING THE MILK, AND ALL OF YOU HAVE NO BITCHES.”

One of the second years was about to open their mouth to defend themselves but quickly got silenced by Ace

“NUH-UH, YOU DONT GET TO SPEAK. Oh you… you were the one who told Epel he’s girl and will never be a boy.😐”

Epel looked down when Ace said that. Some people would make fun of him for being trans and pick on him for that reason

“Since you can’t shut your transphobic mouth i’ll fucking super glue it. If i hear your mouth ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I WILL LITERALLY PUNCH YOU.” Ace angrily said

“Well my bad I wanted to point out that shes a girl pretending to be a boy!” One of the second year yelled

Ace got real mad after hearing that.

“shut yo skin tone chicken bone google chrome no home flip phone disowned ice cream cone garden gnome extra chromosome metronome dimmadome genome full blown monochrome student loan indiana Jones overgrown flintstone x and y hormone friend zone sylvester stallone sierra lain autozone professionally men silver patrone suck my ding dong head ass pubg fortnite flip phone remote control dreilly auto parts silver bronze ash amiibo uv light pen sushi ramen harrison ford gamer bitch ass virgin lamp thermometor lean mean string bean charlie sheen limousine canteen trampoline serpentine antihistamine wolverine submarine unclean nectarine broken gene halloween defective spleen smokescreen lames dean putting green tiny peen anti vaccine aquamarine eugene extra green nicotine vamline jellybean magazine protein lightnings mcqueen vending machine wharchu mean Ocean Man by Ween head ass with hisuglybass snag a toothass bitch fucking rat ass bitch breath smell like fucking metal and toxic gas fuckign uglybass hoe bitch get yp and make tour own sandwich im toed of this bitch looking like a fucking lob chopper with hs ugly ass you fucking ugly ass coco nut ass built bitch you fucking iphone 11 built like ass hoe built like a stuffed fucking purse fat ass bitch looking like a white little boys fucking hairline fucking annoying ass bitch, looking like that bitch Rom ratatouille ugly ass bitch you fucking no for nothing ass bitch smelling like fucking acid dirty ass bullet bag ass hoe built like my none existent ass bitch BUILT LIKE A WHOLE MCDONALDS MENU BOARD IN THE DRIVE THRU CUBE ASS BITCH UR BUILT LIKE AN !PHONE 11 CRACKED BITCH ASS BROKEN PHONE ASS BITCH LOOKIN ASS BITCH LOOK LIKE THAT MONA LISA ASS BITCH FROM RATA-RC/UWE BITCH LOOKING LIKE A MONA LISA GONE WRONG U LOOK LIKE KIRA WHEN HE GOT RAN OVER STUPID BITCH ASS LOOKIN LIKE ASS OF UP BEFORE I WILL PERSONALLY SEND MY FUCKING FISTS TO YOUR FACE. And i swear to FUCKING god why the fuck is your bubble gum dum dum belt buckle banana truphle Huned Knuckle knuckle Jones underground flint stone x and y friend zoned Sylvester Stallone Sierra Leone auto zone professionally seen silver Patrons stone cheek bone alone cyclone homegrown jawbone postpone unknown megaphone un grown hydrozone moricone muscle tone safety stone microphone progesterone mountain anemone bone grown allophone cyclone ankle bone leave me alone tik tok knock knock 12 O'Clock Plug walk Millie walk night hawk peacock moon walk engine block interlock penny stalk after talk alarm clock interspawk sour dock down the block poison hemlock jay walk chalk walk hawk squawk electrical shock metamorphic rock sedimentary rock my glock has a lock lack sack six pack lack around the track pack the snack in a crack Kodak black backpack feedback attack a kodiak asma attack in my back data track maniac telephone rack in my stack bushwhack dentist plaque bumper track heart attack hack tac quack quack flack pack in rack tippy tap slap the baseball cap frap trap crap nap gap zap trap lap whack back lap tap handicap weather map hair air sac track comeback halfback knickknack bounce back hatchback look back extra tax macaque pack back unstuck clack lunch snack or treat smell rycovenantmustdie feet tweet tweet on the street so fucking annoying. 😐😐” Ace finished his 5 page 20 paragraph per page, and he said that in ONE breath gawh lord lordy

—

“Ace I understand that you wanted to defend your friends, but did you really have to say that?” Riddle scolded his favorite dorm mate

“They had it coming smh”

I am literally cryingI WROTE THIS AT 3:43am and i have school RUHGAHHHJAJAJ

THIS FANFIC FEELS AND LOOKS SO ASS

#twisted wonderland #ace trappola #deuce spade #jack howl #vil schoenheit #epel felmier

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acourtofthought · 1 year

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First, love your content and positive energy.

I totally agree that it's ok to be passionate and root for your ship, it's even ok to debate and disagree. But when one starts to harsss, make death threats, take screen shots of individuals and call them ugly, fat, etc., it truly says a lot about them. How did we forget those characters aren't real, but the person being attacked is. Social media has made it so easy to be ugly to one another.

I'm just glad SJM doesn't and will never write fanservice, so we know whatever direction she goes in, will be authentic to HER. Not what readers demanded of her. Besides, she has already told us why Elain and Lucien are mates, in both the books and in interviews.

She has never, as far as I'm aware, spoken about Elain and Az as a romantic pair. Whereas Elain and Lucien have been in the same conversations as Cassian + Nesta, Rhys + Feyre. That alone is all the evidence I need. Aside from it being CANON.

TBH, when I watch her interviews since ACOSF, she looks annoyed when Elriel questions come up, it's almost as if she's like - do I really need to explain once more Elain and Lucien are mates? I think BB simply wanted to profit off the warships and have asked she no longer speak on endgames until books are published. And it's not just applicable to ACOTAR, she couldn't say much about Bryce and Hunt, when it was so obvious they were mates. So, in terms of elucien, as obvious as it is they will be endgame, as it goes without saying they are MATES, she can't speak to it anymore until the book is out, even though she has. But just because she's likely contracted to remain silent, doesn't change what she's already gone on record saying.

She also has stated Lucien is one of her faves, so I really doubt she'd drag him through hell and break his heart a second time. I think he is going to have one of the biggest payoffs in the series. Others are starting to sense his power, which imo is stronger when he's near Elain, just as, as far as we know; her visiosn were triggered by his presence. We already see signs at how, as unaware as both are about it, bringing out their full potential. I truly believe they are destined for something big, in the way that Feysand, as potential high king and queen and Nessian, leading the Illyrian and Valkyrie armies. SJM doesn't mate characters for solely romantic reasons, they compliment each other in ways they also benefits the greater good of their world.

Besides, what has Azriel done for Elain in two years? Has he helped her get a grasp of her visions. Get to truly know her, help her embrace being fae? Lucien can't because he is respecting her boundaries, but if given a chance I know he'd do anything to build her up and give her a voice. Azriel HAS had the opportunity for 2 years, they basically see other daily if they choose to, she hasn't closed herself off to him, yet SJM made it very clear despite all this time, they still barely know each other and both characters are stagnant, they are simply going about their duties or simple life. And, by the end of ACOSF, as far we know neither have spoken since winter solstice and Azriel has built a foundation for a friends to lover trope with Gwyn. It is Gwyn who's music he hears, Gwyn is the reason his chest sparked. All mate clues since TOG! Anyone who denies it are kidding themselves. Just as Elains eyes sparked upon seeing Lucien. It is HIS heart she hears.

I think it is SO obvious and none of these characters have to be rewritten to make it work, SJM had already laid the pieces to their puzzle and how they fit. Once Elain was mated to Lucien, SJM has been telling us he's the sun to her need of sunshine. Gwyn, she is the one Azriel never saw coming after years of longing for the wrong females. What's that saying? When you stop looking for love, it finds you. I think that's exactly what Gwyn will be for Azriel. And Lucien is everything Elain dreamt off once she gets to truly know him. He'd give her everything and more. We already know Lucien loves passionately and fiercely, imagine when he and elain truoy get to know each other and fall in love, the lengths he'd go for her. He will be elains greatest love, because there is nothing stronger than a mating bond in SJMs world.

Thank you for your message!! ❤️ You'd think anyone that cries "fanservice!" would realize how little that makes sense.

This is an author who says she plants seeds for future stories books in advance which equates to years of planning. And anyone arguing that E/riel was meant to have a relationship because of all the hints she placed for them throughout is purposely ignoring the fact that she placed just as many hints as to why they were never going to be endgame. Of course there were romantic hints for E/riel because she did in fact write the Az POV Bonus Chapter showing us that E/riel were about to engage in a little "romantic" fun (though romance isn't really the right word here). And I think they're missing the fact that any "Mate like coding" was never really Mate like coding at all. It was Az convincing himself that maybe he should have been Elain's Mate for all the wrong reasons. You can't look at a book and say, "but these words right here are words similar to so and so used and they're endgame!" without looking at the circumstances surrounding it. The similarities are just as important as the differences. That's what happens with obsession. It sounds like love, it feels like love to some, but at the end of the day, it's not really love and is quite problematic. It's not like Az hasn't done anything at all for Elain but if you pay attention, you realize that everything Az did was based off him watching how others acted with Elain and him copying that behavior. None of it was driven by his own strong need to reach out to her. And everything about Gwyn and Az is refreshing. I'm not saying they won't have their own angst and drama because SJM isn't a cotton candy kind of romance writer but you can already tell their relationship feels right. It's not wrapped in a cloak of Az's self loathing and worthlessness. And YES! Why do people want to downplay the fact that SJM really likes Lucien? He has played a pretty important role in every single ACOTAR book, she based him off Sam Heughan's portrayal of Jamie Fraser (and that man is just HOT in that), she always intended for Lucien to have a love interest (first Nesta until she realized that would fail spectacularly). And if Nesta was not right for Lucien than means Lucien's person would need to be opposite of Nesta and there are not two characters more different than one another than Nesta and Elain. In the SJM world, Mates are the peak of romance. Why in the world would she reduce Lucien (one of her favorite Males and someone how already lost his first true love) to being given an unfulfilled Mating bond? Why would she make Elain, a character she said would be her best friend because they have matching energy, the only sister to be given a poorly matched Mating Bond? I'll never understand why people can't understand that she had to create conflict between Elain and Lucien until it was time for their book. I loved everything you said, thanks again for the ask!!!

#gwynriel #elucien #pro elucien #pro gwynriel #anti e/riel #elain archeron #lucien vanserra #pro lucien vanserra #pro elain archeron #mating bond

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cavalierious-whim · 1 year

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Sylvain struggles to settle into his role as Margrave and writes a letter to Felix, an olive branch he isn't sure will receive a reply.

This was a commission. Be sure to check out the fic here on AO3 and if you'd like, follow me here on Twitter!

Post-war life is a strange thing.

It isn’t that Sylvain expects it to be easy. Reconstruction is a bittered thing with too few resources and people left to do the heavy lifting. He doesn’t miss war but he isn’t quite equipped to handle the aftermath, either.

This is what he thinks when he looks at Gautier Manor rising high before him. It is in disrepair. Still in one, solid piece, but patched in areas that he doesn’t remember. Boards on the windows, tarps over broken roof tiles to keep out the rain and snow. The steps that lead to the double doors are pitted and chipped.

Sylvain feels as though he’s looking at a ghost. He stands there, staring, a bag slung over his shoulder and his horse pawing at the ground behind him.

“Margrave?” A quiet voice to his right, meek and trembling. The servant girl keeps her head bowed and wrings her hands in front of her apron.

It takes a moment for Sylvain to realize that she is talking to him. Margrave, she’d said, the question rolling off her tongue softly.

Feel wrong. Sylvain shifts awkwardly, dragging a gloved hand through his hair. Winter has not fully settled in, so the air is crisp but still warm enough for only a thick woolen cloak and the barest essentials.

“I’m…” Sylvain stops, words refusing to form because his tongue feels fat in his mouth.

Sylvain is a man who has always cared for himself, mostly ignoring the whims of others. Always told his father to fuck off, slept with both men and women to satisfy the void in himself, and never wrote to his mother despite knowing it’d be good for her.

And now, he’s come back to a home full of ghosts and even his title to haunt him.

“A Margrave is meant to serve his people,” his father once said. The only good advice he ever gave him.

“The work of a Margrave is tiresome and grueling, but you are built for it.” Sylvain never listened to his mother, not even when it counted. He still wouldn’t listen to her now, his own self-deprecation his worst enemy.

He very nearly didn’t come back home.

But he did because if there’s anything Sylvain does not do, it’s let things sit stagnant and unresolved. Besides, the people here have done nothing to warrant an absent lord. They’ve done their best to get by in the midst of war and famine. Even the girl that stands next to him seems strong despite her thin frame.

“We are Gautiers,” was another thing his mother once said. “We are the people of the bitter north winds, hardened by our lives here and made better for it.”

“What is your name?” asks Sylvain.

The servant keeps her head down. “I’m—”

“No, look at me.” He isn’t unkind. He says it quietly, carefully, even, like he’s addressing a hatchling not yet out of the nest.

When the girl looks at him, though, Sylvain finds not a hatchling. Her eyes are sharp, glinting with measured and underhanded intelligence. Like a magpie, he thinks, in the way that she regards him as though he’s a text to be dissected.

“Rhesa, Lord Margrave,” she replies.

“Well, Miss Rhesa—” She starts at that, her head tilting ever-so-slightly. “I can’t promise that I’ll be a good Margrave, but I’ll be a better one than my father.”

She snorts. Tries and fails to hide it behind a carefully placed cough. It is funny—truly it is, but it is funny to them for different reasons.

For Sylvain, it’s a hope and mostly a dream, but he makes no promises because he’s never been a good man. And the one person who helps him, who makes all the difference in the world, has fucked off to Seiros knows where because playing a mercenary is easier than being a lord.

Felix is the man that forces Sylvain to face his ugly parts, but without him there, Sylvain is bound to fall back into his old habits.

“Keep me on my toes,” he says to Rhesa. “That’s an order.”

Rhesa gives him a once-over and an amused glance. “Is that permission to speak candidly when I see fit?”

Sylvain barks a laugh. “Yes, I suppose that it is.”

“Well then, Lord Margrave, you’re already off to a good start.”

He is lost without Felix. But, as Sylvain trails behind Rhesa to the manor he thinks that he might remember how to survive in the cold.

“We Gautiers never forget. We are born of the permafrost and ice runs in our veins.”

Sylvain wants to think that maybe his mother would be proud.

Truth be told, everything goes pretty well until Sreng hears of a new Margrave and sends a party to investigate the border.

They do not launch an attack. The party is small and all they do is reconnaissance, riding the edge of one end of the border to the other, taking note of rumors and stories of just what kind of man Sylvain is. The rumors must be dismal. Sylvain knows that his reputation precedes him, even here in the far corner of Faerghus.

One morning, he is surprised by a letter.

Rhesa doesn’t bother knocking before she slips into his office. She’s loud, heavy-soled shoes loud against the floor instead of the dainty sneakers his father would have expected her to wear. Rhesa doesn’t bow her head. She doesn’t present him the letter, laid flat on a silver platter, bowing politely as she holds it out.

She dumps it onto his desk next to the rest of his paperwork before crossing her arms. “It’s from Sreng,” she says curtly.

Sylvain looks up from his current headache. Accounting reports from sheep farms to the south. He rubs the tension from his eyes, turning to the new letter instead. “You opened this,” he says, thumbing the edge of where the envelope has been sliced open.

Rhesa sniffs but doesn’t apologize. “Would you rather be poisoned?”

“What? No?”

“The last time they sent a letter to the Margrave, it was dipped in something that made him bedridden for two weeks.”

Sylvain’s lips part. He tilts his head, considering this. “I—well, I had no idea. Mother never mentioned—”

“And why would she have?” Rhesa snorts. “You were off playing hero with the would-be king of Faerghus. Of course, she didn’t distract you with something like that.”

“I wouldn’t have come home.” He says it bitterly, tongue twisted by the distaste for his father that curdles his gut.

Rhesa’s expression softens and her next words are quiet. “Yes, I know. You would have just wanted to know, yes.”

Sylvain actually isn’t sure. He sits there, elbows against his desk, fingers steepled and brow furrowed as he thinks. He and his father were wholly hostile with each other, and for many reasons. Knowing he’d spent some time sick wouldn’t have changed a damn thing.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned, Lord Margrave, it’s that we don’t always get the things that I want. Do you think I prefer to be here, doing as you ask?”

He laughs at that, a soft chuckle. Keep me on my toes, he’d asked her. Nothing could have prepared him for how perfectly Rhesa settled into her role. She’s quick-witted and sharp-tongued. Over the weeks he’s come to appreciate her blunt honesty, whether he wants it or not.

“No,” he finally says.

“And yet, here I am, caring for your sorry ass. I deserve a raise.”

“Yes.” He means it. Rhesa can hear his genuine tone and she sighs, hackles dropping. “Are you going to read the letter or not?”

“Oh, so it’s interesting?”

“Probably the most interesting thing to walk through those front doors in a decade.”

Sylvain pulls the letter from the envelope and spreads out the thick, uneven parchment paper. “‘To he who sits on a would-be throne of his making—’” Sylvain pauses, choking back a laugh. “Wow, what an entrance. Does this clansman think I run a monarchy here?”

“Your father certainly thought he did.”

Right. It isn’t a surprise that they think he’s more like his old man than not. The stories about him that circulate certainly don’t help. The fact that Sreng hasn’t attacked the border since he came back means they’re curious enough to stall their advance, but Sylvain isn’t a fool to think that’ll last.

“What does he want?”

“He—” Sylvain skims the letter and then rears back, surprised. “Er, she—”

“She?”

“‘I’m unsure that we can come to an agreement but maybe you’re more of a man than your predecessor. Time will tell.’”

“That sounds ominous,” drawls Rhesa.

“It’s signed Ulla, Twenty-Ninth Chief Clan Dahl.” Sylvain raises his brows. “That’s a title. And I thought mine was long.”

Rhesa sits on the edge of his desk, uncaring that it’s improper. “And so, what? They want to visit?”

“She expects me to come to her, actually. Make peace, or so this letter says. She doesn’t seem very confident about it though. I think she’s mostly curious.” Rhesa’s nose scrunches at that. Sylvain’s mouth tenses and he leans back in his chair. “Hey, now, I take offense to that look.”

It’s gone the moment Rhesa rights herself, back onto her feet, and ready to go back to her chores for the day. “If I may say—”

“You always do, whether I want you to or not.”

Her expression thins, curdling slightly. Rhesa huffs and continues. “I was going to express concern for you visiting yourself. We have no extra men here, so I know that is your plan.”

She’s right. It’s too much of a risk. Sylvain has no progeny he’s aware of and it would be utterly stupid to march into enemy territory alone. If this was the war, the answer would be simple: he’d do what was needed, no matter the cost.

But the war is over. It isn’t so easy to turn back the clock and think before those times. Matters during reconstruction are handled differently, with a sort of tenderness that Sylvain isn’t sure he holds. His hands are too rough, too soiled, tainted black with the bitter darkness in his soul.

It’s a learning process. Sylvain spends every day telling himself that he’s more than what he thinks he is but he’s alone this far north, even with the friendship he’s found in Rhesa. The others walk on eggshells around him. He has no family left.

“I… there’s someone I could…”

Ingrid sent a letter unexpectedly a few weeks back, citing that she’d shared a meal with him. Told Sylvain exactly where to find him and demanded that he clean up his damn mess.

“A pen and paper, Sir?”

Sylvain’s already pulling out a fresh sheet of parchment. “He won’t answer,” he murmurs, dipping a quill into his inkwell. He shakes it slightly, letting the extra slip off before penning a rather blunt letter.

Felix won’t want platitudes. Insults have always been his language of choice.

The letter goes entirely unanswered until Sylvain wakes up one morning, nearly a month later, to a glass of cold water being dumped over his head.

He yelps, jolting up in the bed. It’s the beginning of winter, so the room is bone-cold and his sheets are now soaked. Sylvain shivers, curses, and jumps from the bed, feet smarting against the frozen stone floor. “Fuck, fuck. Rhesa—”

It is not Rhesa. Felix stands opposite him, covered in furs, a mug in his hand. Rhesa stands in the doorway behind him, hiding a grin behind her palm, choking back a laugh.

Sylvain stares. Stands there like an awkward vulture, curled in on himself, shoulders hanging as he wonders, What the absolute fuck.

Felix knows that look. He snorts and his stiff stance loosens, like a cat shaking itself out. “You’ve always been a lazy lout.”

“I’m not—lazy?”

“It’s midday.” Felix’s voice is prim. Matter-of-fact as always, the words crawling from his mouth as though it pains him to speak.

“I’m the Margrave. I can—”

“Do what you want, no doubt,” cuts in Felix, finishing before him. “Didn’t you come here to make a difference? To be something more than your old man? Instead, I find you lazing in bed into the late morning. Not a damn thing’s changed.”

Rhesa still watches from the doorway, eyebrows drawn high on her forehead. The look she hides behind her hand is one of both shock and amusement.

“Felix—” starts Sylvain with a wince.

“I’m the fool, of course. I should’ve known better.”

“Why are you even here?”

Felix rolls his eyes and growls with impatience. “Your letter,” he snaps. “That’s why—midday, Sylvain! Isn’t there somewhere you’re supposed to be in two days’ time? I pushed my horse to get here early because I knew you’d need help, but I didn’t think I’d have my work cut out for me.”

The letter, one penned in Sylvain’s neat penmanship. He’d nearly forgotten.

Felix, I know you owe me nothing, but I need your help, Sylvain wrote. To anyone else, Felix would deny it. Even if everyone knew, even if they still know he’d come to Sylvain’s rescue, Felix will insist until his dying days it wasn’t for him.

“I’m not here for you,” says Felix, as if on cue. So stubborn. Sylvain nearly laughs at the utter predictability. “In any case. Get dressed and meet me in the kitchen. There isn’t time to plan.”

“Plan?” asks Sylvain, finally righting himself and sitting on the edge of the mattress. It’s hard to look proper wearing nothing but his night clothes and he pulls at his sleeve nervously.

Felix sneers at him. “Don’t be daft.” He turns on his heel to leave. “Ten minutes,” he finishes, punctuating his words with a rude gesture that leaves Rhesa snickering in stitches.

“Sir—”

“Don’t start.”

Rhesa chuckles as Sylvain shrugs out of his dressing gown. Ten minutes means five with Felix. Sylvain doesn’t have time to dodge her well-intentioned and teasing jabs.

“I was surprised, you know. He was somewhat presentable there, but—” Sylvain howls with laughter. Felix is never presentable. Rhesa clucks her tongue before continuing. “You should have seen him when he rode in. I made him at least clean his boots.”

“I’m sure he loved that.”

“About as much as he loved the way that I wouldn’t let him in at first. That’s the Duke of Fraldarius?”

Sylvain is still laughing as he slips on a clean shirt. “In the flesh.”

Rhesa rounds him, buttoning up the front with quick and deft hands. “Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised. It takes a strange man to love another, I suppose.”

Sylvain freezes against her. His heart thuds in his throat. “I—” He knows he can’t lie. About anything else, sure, keen, well-cultivated words tumbling from his mouth like perfectly composed verse, but with Felix. “I’m not…”

There’s a look that Rhesa gives him. Something stern and stoic, a little bit cross-eyed, her lips tugged into a severe frown. But then it softens and she sighs. “That’s how it is, isn’t it? The ones we want to make it work with are always the hardest.”

“Like you’d know.”

Rhesa shrugs.

Sylvain finishes dressing in the quiet, the brush of Rhesa’s fingers the only sound as they slide over soft wool. “It isn’t my place—”

“Yeah, it isn’t.”

“—but you told me to keep you on your toes.”

Sylvain shoots Rhesa a pointed look. “This isn’t exactly what I had in mind.”

A smile curls across her face. She reaches out and straightens the lapels of his waistcoat. “I am only doing my job, Sir.”

“I don’t pay you to tease me.”

“No, but you do pay me to take care of you.” She pats Sylvain’s chest with friendly affection. “I’ve heard the stories, of course. Rumors of a mighty romance between a Margrave and a Duke. When love is that strong it’s hard to hide. At first glance, it was hard to imagine. He looks rather like a drowned cat and you have… well, taste, at least.”

Sylvain scoffs. “Flattering.”

“But watching the two of you… Love isn’t just about romance, you know, it’s also everything in between. It’s knowing a person, both the good parts and bad. That man—” Rhesa points to the door. “We all know your bad parts but he’s the only one to look at you like they mean nothing.”

Sylvain feels her words deep in his gut. “I… he’s… It’s complicated.”

Rhesa snorts in a silly, pig-like way. “Yes, well, complicated means that it can still get sorted out.”

“It’ll be better for everyone else if you settle shit here at the border,” is the first thing Felix says when Sylvain appears in the kitchen a half-hour later. He’s annoyed, tapping his boot against the tile floor. Sylvain took a half-hour thanks to Rhesa’s unwanted advice. “This woman—”

“Ulla,” supplies Sylvain, settling in at the table and going for a piece of toast. He slathers butter and jam across it messily, and Felix watches in disgust.

“Right.” Felix’s voice is so flat, it’s damn-near bored. “UIla. Are you sure this isn’t a ploy to get you alone and do some damage?”

“Well, that’s why I wrote to you, isn’t it? I’m not so stupid to ride into Sreng alone.”

“You have men.”

“I do not.”

Felix’s gaze narrows and his head tilts. “What?”

“When Father died.” Sylvain shrugs nonchalantly even though it still stings. “Most of the household left. What’s less than a skeleton crew? Either way—”

“That’s why you called me here? Because you scared everyone off?”

Sylvain frowns, offended. “I’ll have you know—they left before I arrived.” Rhesa leans in to pour him fresh coffee, not even bothering to hide her laughter. “Don’t you nag me too.”

“I said nothing, Lord Margrave.”

Felix regards her with a cool glance. “She talks to you like you’re a bug underneath her shoe.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll get a handle on her.”

“No, I like her.”

Oh. Both Sylvain and Rhesa pause, surprised by the off-handed compliment.

Felix turns back to his food, shoveling in a few bites like he’s a man starved. Judging by his thin shape, he is, just this side of hungry. He was wandering, said Ingrid in her letter. You know how he does, bothering others and forgetting about himself.

Rhesa bows, a neat little curtsey that is certainly mocking. “Why thank you, Your grace.”

Felix’s expression sours. “I’ll stop liking you if you keep calling me that.”

“Oh, leave her alone. She’s just doing her job.” Sylvain shoos her away and Rhesa leaves, giving him the same teasing bow. “Back to the matter at hand.”

“How’d you manage to get one of their Chiefs to write to you?”

“I didn’t. She reached out to me personally. It was odd—”

Felix’s mouth purses. “It stinks. She’s planning something.”

Normally, Sylvain would agree, but so far Ulla hasn’t done much other than watch. There’s been ample opportunity to launch an attack. “We’re barren here at the Manor. If she came on us, we wouldn’t be able to fight her off. She knows that.”

Felix hums, drumming his fingers against the word kitchen table. It’s less fancy than the dining room and a little more like home. They’re so used to roughing it that the glitz and glam of a proper dining set puts Sylvain’s teeth on edge. It’s warmer in the kitchen. Homier. Reminds him a little of Mercie, and other friends Sylvain’s surprised he misses.

“Marriage?” asks Sylvain.

It would make sense. Peace treaties are often drafted through a lens of land sharing and cultural exchange. The idea of it is awful but he could put together a dowry—

“You aren’t actually considering that, are you?” Felix’s face says it all—it’s an idea he despises.

“Why would you care? Aren’t you going to fuck off again once this is said and done?”

“Sylvain.”

“Ingrid told me, you know.” Sylvain’s tone is a little too proper. He pulls back, steeling himself for Felix’s ire because this is a conversation that is often started and never finished. What are we and where do we go? Sylvain’s been wondering for over a decade by this point. “You’ve been wandering around. The Meandering Swordsman—”

“It’s not as though there’s anything at Fraldarius Estate for me. We don’t guard the border.”

It’s a useless argument. They both know it, so they fall stagnant and turn back to their food. Sylvain munches at his toast and Felix pours another cup of coffee.

“It’s a two-day ride to their camp. She just wants to talk. Go with me and when we come back, you can do whatever you want. I won’t care.”

Felix’s expression is unreadable. He waits, almost as if he wants Sylvain to say something else but when he doesn’t, Felix just sighs. “Alright then.” He pauses, rubbing at the table again. “My horse. I pushed her too hard. She’s in no shape to ride.”

“That leaves you two options, then. You ride with me, or you walk.”

Ah, thinks Sylvain when Felix’s lip curls. There’s that annoyed look I love so much.

Felix chooses to ride with him which is both a blessing and a curse.

“You smell better, at least,” teases Sylvain, mouth near Felix’s ear as he leans over his shoulder. “Did Rhesa make you bathe?”

“I’ve been on the road for weeks. Do you think I like being dirty?”

“I think, given the opportunity, you’d live in your absolute funk for years—especially if it kept people away from you.” Felix’s silence in return speaks volumes, leaving Sylvain laughing into his neck. And maybe—just maybe—Sylvain thinks he relaxes just slightly, giving into the lighthearted teasing.

It’s a step backward. War was shit but Sylvain liked that it brought them close. He and Felix shared tents, food, and even cots, and blankets. Wandering hands, too-soft touches that Felix will deny if ever asked. But it happened, they happened.

Sylvain misses it.

Felix squirms.

It’s half a day into their travel and he won’t stop moving, sliding over the saddle, stimulating parts of Sylvain that he thought were dried out and useless. It’s just been him and his hand since the end of the war—and barely that.

The only other time they’ve ever shared a horse was after a battle one day where Sylvain was nearly dead. Felix found him in the nick of time, threw him over the back of Sylvain’s horse, and settled into the saddle before riding like the wind back to camp.

A close call. Too close.

This though—

Felix squirms, wriggling in his lap just so. Heat settles in Sylvain’s gut. This is too close, as well, Sylvain practically plastered against his back, arms loose around Felix’s waist to reach the reins. His forearms brush against Felix’s cloak, cinching his torso.

“Felix—”

“I can’t get comfortable. What kind of saddle is this?”

It isn’t built for two. Sylvain’s about to quip that when Felix shifts, slipping back over the hard leather of the saddle, ass meeting Sylvain’s groin.

They both freeze. Sylvain’s fingers tighten around the reins, pulling them taut. Even Felix is on high alert, cheeks flush. Oh, this is bad.

“Sylvain,” starts Felix. Even. Measured. “Are you—”

Sylvain’s definitely half-hard in his trousers. Has been for an embarrassing amount of time. “Can you blame me? Felix, you’re… and we’re—”

Well, they’re something. The what is up in the air, but there’s enough history for Sylvain’s dick to harden at the thought of the man, let alone his ass within reaching distance.

“You know how it is,” finishes Sylvain. He ignores the ache of his cock, willing his erection to go away. It only throbs harder.

Felix’s throat bobs as he swallows. His mouth parts but he’s slow to respond. “I—Yes. That’s—Sylvain.”

Sylvain didn’t realize one of his hands dropped the leather strap to rest against Felix’s thigh instead. Palm, flat against the lithe muscle, gloved fingers digging into the thick material of Felix’s trousers. “Sorry,” murmurs Sylvain. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to. It just… look, I’ll—”

He moves to pull away but Felix’s hand is quicker, snapping out to wrap around Sylvain’s wrist. He holds Sylvain’s hand there. The movement is subtle, instinctual, as he pulls Sylvain’s hand to his trousers instead.

“Oh,” breathes Sylvain. “Well. That’s—”

“Familiar,” mutters Felix. “Gods, it’s—I didn’t want to fall back into these habits so easily, but—”

“It’s hard not to.” Sylvain drops his chin to rest against Felix’s shoulder. “Honestly, I feel more stressed than I ever did during the war. It’s because I don’t know what to do with myself. But with you—”

“Are you going to keep yapping? Or are you going to take care of the problem?”

That surprises Sylvain. “Felix,” he says, voice tipping into something sultry, “we’re on a horse.”

“So the years of talk about your riding skills mean nothing, then? Put your hand where your mouth is.”

Sylvain puts his hand elsewhere. Takes little effort and no time to undo the front of Felix’s trousers, wrapping his fingers around his cock. A soft sound falls from Felix’s mouth, and shit, Sylvain’s missed this.

“My glove—”

“You’ll get frostbite.”

“I’d rather feel your cock.”

“The glove is fine.”

Sylvain keeps his eyes on the icy path, letting the lilt of their horse’s gait drive them. All the while, he strokes Felix’s cock, sighing at the familiar heft of it against his palm. Precome already dribbles at the tip, leaking down the side. Sylvain sweeps his thumb through it.

“How long were you hiding this?”

“I wasn’t—”

“Is this why you were squirming?”

“No.”

Oh, it is. He can tell by the way Felix’s body goes taut, pulled straight as a bowstring, tight with tension. Sylvain chuckles, squeezing his cock tighter as he jerks it. “Oh, that’s cute.”

“Idiot,” snaps Felix. “Imbecile. You—this is your fault.”

Sylvain hums at that, moving his hand lazily. His own cock twitches in his trousers, desperate to be relieved, but he’s enjoying this too much. Felix tries to keep quiet but a moan slips loose. Delicious. Sylvain feels his gut swoon at the soft whimper.

“Shh. Can’t spook the horse.”

“Fuck you,” bites out Felix. “Fuck you, and—oh.”

“Like that?” A twist of his fingers around the tip of his dick. His thumb settles underneath the crown, tracing the vein on the underside. “I haven’t forgotten what you like.”

As if he could. The sight of Felix in his bed is seared into his brain. It keeps Sylvain company on cold and lonely nights or bath times or the sheets in his bed. Anywhere, really. He shoves his nose into Felix’s nape, inhaling. Sweat and soap. Crisp, brisk winter. Felix.

Sylvain moves his hand faster, using Felix’s precome to slick his hand. Still a little dry but he knows that Felix likes the friction. His hips move, bucking ever so slightly into Sylvain’s hand, chasing the heated touch of his glove.

“I’m—”

“Are you close?” Sylvain kisses the juncture of his jaw, right where it meets his neck. “So quick. Mhmh, I would be too.”

“Get on with it.” Felix’s voice is pinched. “I don’t want to hear you prattle.”

“You want to come?”

“Yes.”

Sylvain laughs and moves his hand faster, stroking his cock with a well-practiced touch. Felix whines, wiggling in the saddle. His hips move, meeting every downstroke of Sylvain’s fingers with an aborted thrust. It takes no time until he’s spilling into Sylvain’s hand with a groan.

“There’s a good boy,” says Sylvain into his ear. He wipes his hand on the rag in his saddlebag.

“Shut up,” is Felix’s acerbic reply. Still, he shudders, still coasting the high of his orgasm.

Afterward, they fall quiet. Felix closes his trousers and the horse continues on, entirely unaware. Sylvain's chest is pressed to Felix’s back. His cock is still hard against Felix’s ass, aching with the need for release.

But Sylvain behaves. Takes hold of the reins properly and wills himself to just hold Felix close.

Felix doesn’t push him off.

Later, when the moon is high and the fire dulls to burning embers, Felix slips into Sylvain’s cot.

“You can tell me to leave,” he says in a hush.

Sylvain pulls Felix close, an arm around his middle, hand pressed flat against his stomach. He smells like outside when Sylvain leans in close, nuzzling the back of his neck. “You’re cold.”

“Yeah.” A pause. Sylvain yelps slightly when Felix presses his cold, socked feet against his shins. “Earlier…”

“Earlier?”

“You—” Felix “You didn’t… It was just me.”

Oh. Sylvain chuckles and kisses the base of his neck. “It’s fine. I know I teased you but I did as I wanted. I’m perfectly fine like this.”

“And if I’m not?”

Sylvain stills. “Do you regret—”

Felix’s response is immediate. “No.” Another pauses as he rubs his face, embarrassed. “I want… You said you missed this. I do too. I didn’t… I know that I’m not good with words, but this—this is something that we do well. Being just us.”

“Us,” murmurs Sylvain. “Against the world, right? I think we said something like that when we were kids.”

Us against the world. They’ll have to pry us apart.

It’s funny what time can do to a friendship and how love can pull two people apart. But it can bring them together. War was complicated but losing themselves in each other helped them through the hard times.

Still.

“You left,” says Sylvain into the hair at the base of Felix’s neck. His hair is loose, around his shoulders. Sylvain drags a hand through it, petting the silky strands.

“I didn’t know what to do. With my father gone and the Dukedom… I just—” Felix grunts. “There isn’t use in talking about this.”

“Felix—”

Felix moves, sitting up and turning to lean over Sylvain. “Your hand isn’t enough. Sylvain, I—I missed this. I missed you.” He hovers there, over Sylvain. Drags a hand down his chest, fingers dipping into the open collar of his shirt.

Sylvain’s tongue is thick in his throat. There are a thousand things he could say, but what spills from his mouth comes unexpectedly. “I love you.”

Felix snorts, his expression crinkling. “I know.” Then he dips low, crossing the distance, and it’s like falling back in time.

Sweet, staggering kisses. Heated touches and the soft slide of fabric as they shuck their clothing off. It’s too cold to get undressed, but it’s enough, opening Sylvain’s shirt and tossing their pants to the side. Felix’s skin is searing hot against Sylvain as he straddles his hips.

The thing is that Sylvain doesn’t need to hear Felix say those words back. Sylvain knows it and feels it in the way that Felix presses against him. In calloused fingers that drag down his bicep and across his chest. Nails that dig into his chest hair, scratching through it.

The way that he kisses him, all tongue and lips, and how he slots their hips together. Sylvain’s already hard, cock twitching as it leaks against his stomach. Felix’s hand is frozen, icy against his heated length.

“Sylvain,” he mutters against his mouth. Sylvain bucks into his hand with a whine. “Sylvain,” repeats Felix, kissing the sharp line of his jaw next.

It’s too soft but perfect. War isn’t lingering at their backs, ready to strike. They don’t have to be quick and quiet, they can drag this out and do as they wish, which they do.

One finger first, pressed into searing hot heat.

“The fucking saddle oil,” hisses Felix, as if they haven’t used it before. “Fuck.”

“Easy does it,” says Sylvain, laughing against Felix’s throat. Felix hangs over him, rutting back against his hand. “Slow down, for fuck’s sake.”

“Goddess, you’re—oh, that’s—”

Sylvain fucks him lazily on several fingers until Felix is a sweaty mess, chest heaving and cheeks pinched pink. He’s flush down to his sternum, reddened skin on display in the split of Felix’s shirt.

When Felix finally slides onto his cock, it’s too tight. Sylvain looks skyward and counts the stars. His nostrils flare as he tries not to immediately bust. So, so good.

And Felix—the way he hangs over him, the tips of his fingers pressed into the meat of Sylvain’s chest. How he immediately moves, rolling his hips, trying to force Sylvain’s cock deeper. Takes him at the right angle and then he’s seeing stars, crying out as they push and pull at each other.

It’s quick. Lasts barely moments, Sylvain holding Felix tightly around the hips as he’s ridden. He pulls Felix into every thrust, back arching up from the ground. The slick slap of skin. Felix’s soft, biting curses. Sylvain tumbles over the edge first, coming into Felix’s ass, and painting his insides white.

Felix drops his hips, grinding against him. Fucks his cock into his own palm until he’s spending himself all over Sylvain’s abs.

Sylvain laughs, wiping the sweat from his brow. “No better than fumbling teenagers having their first roll in the hay.”

“Surely better than that.”

“What, is it bad otherwise?”

“What? No?” Felix looks offended.

Sylvain laughs again, his smile warm and affectionate. He pulls Felix’s hand to his mouth for a kiss. “Thank you,” he says.

“For fucking you?” Felix scoffs.

“For coming back to me.”

Felix is quiet as he slips off his cock. Minimal clean-up, wiping at themselves with a dirty, soiled shirt. Felix pulls on a fresh top and slips back into the cot, slotting against his side.

“I didn’t come here for you,” he says, just as he always does.

“Yeah, I know. You came for yourself.” Sylvain presses a kiss on his forehead and Felix sighs.

They don’t talk much after that, they just count the stars in the sky together until their eyes are drooping. It’s the best sleep Sylvain has had in a year.

Sylvain and Felix find the Srengese Clan of Dahl two days from Gautier Manor, just at the border.

They are led into the center of the camp where a cookfire is blazing and meat is slow roasting as it's turned on spits. Sylvain’s back is sore from their late-night romp on the hard ground—and then a second in the morning. Felix let him fuck his thighs, still half asleep and dozing before spilling himself into Sylvain’s awaiting palm.

“Is this your husband?” Ulla asks it without judgment despite expecting an entourage, not two tired men and day-old clothing. She is a serious-looking woman, tall and muscular. Her dark hair is pulled into a thick braid that rests over her shoulder. Green eyes bore into Sylvain, dazzling with intellect.

“Not yet,” says Sylvain cheekily. Felix hisses, shoving an elbow right into his ribs. “Ow—fuck—”

Ulla bursts into laughter. Then, she extends a hand. “Humor,” she says. “I can’t say I expected that from you.” Sylvain shakes her hand firmly, wincing slightly at her tight grip. “Now, tell me about your husband.”

“I’m not—”

“Yet,” cuts in Ulla with a wink.

Felix, for all his snark, does the unthinkable—he doesn’t correct her. He just rolls his eyes and lets the idea sit. “Your mother’s ring,” he says, turning to Sylvain. “That’s what I want—the plain band. It won’t get in the way of a sword.”

Sylvain has only a moment to be stunned before Ulla drags them over to the fire pit, shoving them down. Later, he thinks. Later, I’ll—

Felix sits next to him uncontested. He knocks their knees together, leaving them together for a grounding touch. They meet gazes for a tender moment. Ulla watches but says nothing as she spoons a savory stew into a bowl.

Sylvain finds that he doesn’t have a care in the world. His chest is light. Giddy.

Yeah, later.

#fe3h #sylvix #Sylvain/felix #fe3h fanfic #fe3h fanfiction #smut

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mermaidsirennikita · 9 months

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do you have any recs where the hero is not conventionally handsome? Like maybe his a bit chubby or something? There’s not a lot of rep for men other than being Tall and jacked and sometimes he thinks he’s ugly because his face is craggily or something.

I have some, but I will say that I think this is easier to find in contemporary romance because a lot of heroes in historical, fantasy, PNR, tend towards being hyper masculine. Which means that even when they aren't conventionally hot, they do get that "craggy" description, or "almost handsome" in a way that suggests he's even hotter than he would be if he was conventionally handsome. Like, Derek Craven in Dreaming of You has snaggly teeth, but he's so competent and masculine (and built) that he is. HOT. Even if he's not described as being conventionally handsome.

But I will also add that many of the ones where there's a specific callout towards things like the hero being fat or short (things we don't associate with .02% body fat 6'4" romance heroes) somehow? Are cinnamon roll hero books? Like, I don't think I've read a book where the hero is described as a true bad boy or alpha who's also fat. Or short. Which is honestly fucked, like you don't have to be 6'5" with a nine pack to consensually throw someone around the room like a rag doll. And my thing is, I hate cinnamon roll heroes nine times out of ten, so. It's hard out there.

Xeni by Rebekah Weatherspoon is a cute book with a fat Scottish hero. I'll be honest, it's a bit CUTE for me, but if you like cute (and pegging) the book totally works.

Sworn to the Shadow God by Ruby Dixon is a fantasy romance I find quite enjoyable in which a gamer girl becomes bound to the God of Death in a parallel universe. He's described as being kind of like... too much? All over? In a way that isn't conventionally handsome. (Adam Driver. He's Adam Driver. But the heroine has nothing to do with Daisy Ridley, as she's Latina among other things, and I wouldn't call this a Reylo book.) Like all Ruby Dixon books, this is very fun, the heroine spends a lot of time being like "this is just like a DnD campaign!!!" only to be proven wrong. And she does get her period and he does prove that Fear is Not A Factor For Him which is something you really don't see enough of in romance.

The Raven Prince by Elizabeth Hoyt is like... Jane Eyre if Jane was a widow and also a secretary instead of a governess and there was masked sex. The hero is described as ugly like, all the time, lol. He has smallpox scars that are disfiguring to the point that he has a hard time finding a wife. I will also add that Hoyt often writes heroes who are unconventional looking. I don't think the hero of The Leopard Prince is described as much besides "nondescript". The hero of The Serpent Prince, however, is flash as fuck.

Westcliff, the hero of It Happened One Autumn by Lisa Kleypas, is famously described as like... kinda short and box-headed, but there'S SOMETHING about him. Something bitches (Lisa Kleypas is bitches) CAN'T RESIST. Something that COMPELS HER SO.

The Taming of a Highlander by Elisa Braden has a hero who was handsome, but after being tortured in prison for months he comes out with a bunch of disfiguring scars, missing an eye. Personally I find him super hot, but it's something a lot of people find scary in the book.

Twist by Kylie Scott is.... not my favorite Kylie Scott, but it's cute if you like a small-town romance. The hero is described as not being super toned, and he's a Big Boy. He's the less attractive brother and he basically catfishes a girl who was talking to his brother online. Lol.

In Something Fabulous by Alexis Hall (m/m) Bonny is described as being on the plumper side. He's like, CURVY.

Ship Wrecked by Olivia Dade is one that didn't super work for me, but it's a celebrity romance in which both the hero and heroine (costars on a Game of Thrones type show) are fat. They hook up right before they begin working together, and then they can't do anything for YEARS until the show is over.

The hero of The Intimacy Experiment, another contemporary that was fine but not great for me, has a hero who is hot but noticeably short. He's also a rabbi, which I did love.

#romance novel blogging #book recs

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dear--charlie · 2 years

Text

Dear Charlie,

4/28/2022 4:26 AM

I feel incredibly sad right now. I keep feeling this massive sadness from time to time and I can’t explain why. I keep having thoughts that I don’t want to be here anymore. Like, I have no purpose in being alive. That no one would even bother looking for me when I’m gone for hours or a day, no one would shed a tear and no one will miss me or feel empty at all. What have I been doing wrong, Charlie? Was I living the wrong way? Why did it come to this? Or, being me was the mistake in the beginning?

I feel so lonely, Charlie. It’s all my fault, but I can’t help, but feel it. I’m the architect of my failure. I built this. I piled it up. I’m just so afraid, Charlie. I can’t do it, I can’t take the first step. A big part of me thinks I don’t need anyone, that everyone who wants me is because it’s convenient for them.. that’s how it was in college, Charlie. That’s how I felt the whole time, no one wanted to be friends with me if I was a loser. No one wanted to be with me out of friendship.

I do have a few friends who stuck with me, Charlie. But, most of the time, I can’t bring up a decent conversation or even keep up with them and I ended up being socially exhausted. I’m pathetic that’s why I’m lonely. It’s all my fault again, Charlie.

I feel dumb and useless, Charlie. I honestly believed I was a hard worker in high school, I always stay up late and always do my best on projects. I always believed I can do it even if I had a weakness. But, when college came, I fell into the darkest pit and I gave up. I lost everything, Charlie. I changed and my brain suddenly stopped working. I lost all my motivation and I can’t understand simple things now. My body started becoming weak and I can’t keep up with everything. I lost my passion for art, books, poems, and design. Again, it’s my fault for being like this, Charlie.

I’m a failure, Charlie. I have no dreams. I don’t know where my career is going. I’m lost and I have no motivation. I don’t know how I’ll be successful. I don’t know which path to take. I’m so bad at making decisions, I get burned out easily. Everything seems so bad and I’m not good at anything. It’s my fault I’m going nowhere, Charlie.

I’m so ugly, Charlie. My relationship always ends up bad because I’m not attractive enough and my personality sucks. I’m fat, my skin is dry and dark, I am no one’s type and I’m toxic. I can’t make them stay. I can’t make them love me. I can’t make them faithful to me. It’s my fault I’m not good enough, Charlie.

I’m sorry for venting this out to you. You’re the only one who I can trust. Thank you for listening.

But, I want to disappear, Charlie. I’m so tired.

Your friend,

SML

#dear charlie #SML

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sunkern-plus · 2 years

Text

street fighter body type headcanons (for the main three and also for the characters i like)

ryu: wide and muscular but not like...not like steroid level like in the games. more like “average extremely active guy with a well balanced diet who works out a lot”, so he’s not gonna exactly look dehydrated though you can see like hints of abs under there. squarish body build with wide shoulders, a slightly blocky waist, and blocky muscular thighs. basically what people who don’t know even one fat person would call a dad bod even though he’s solidly muscular

ken: built like the average muscular bishonen or movie star. has visible abs. tends to lose weight under stress so his facial bones or ribs tend to show when he’s going through rough times. basically looks like “dehydrated chicken anime baryl in the rockman exe stream scene where he’s naked” (if you know you know) during vi (for whatever reason. i actually kinda think mel died instead of “they took the kids ryu’ because that meme is kinda dumb and i hate neglectful fathers).

chun li: slim and curvy, but naturally so, unlike 99 percent of instagram models who have chun li’s in game physique. (though in my headcanon she has a more realistic version of her in game physique.) has average to large breasts, around 38ddds in us sizes, a sloping waist that’s healthy, but not taut and flat, and, of course, wide hips and thighs. she basically looks like the non-exaggerated version of a butch hartman mom in my headcanon.

abel: strongman’s build, with a little bit of a tendency to put on weight if he’s overindulging in heavier meals (aka the stuff he likes, the meat and potatoes stuff). imo he’s never had visible ribs or abs despite being seth’s genetic copy and he tends to go between insecure about it to pretty neutral about it (as in “that’s how my body is and i don’t have to freak out about changing it if i’m healthy and my body is working the way it wants to work”). large thighs (like his genetic copy) and a broad chest that’s big enough to fit into most specialty made big band big bust bras. just over all strongfat imo but not like how i depict dan, more like what you typically associate with a strongfat build rather.

seth: seth can change into whatever body type they want, but the body types they prefer are “on steroids”, “strongman’s build”, and “colonel.exe from megaman battle network”. in fact, the idea of changing into a build that’s feminine and dainty and thin is torture for them; it’s like forcing them to be a doll again.

poison: my poison is actually kinda contrary to how she looks in the games, but don’t get me wrong she’s still attractive. from final fight to the beginning of v she has an athletic build with a small but broad chest, wide shoulders, a thin waist, and proportionately wide hips, but from sfvi onward she puts on a lot of weight from much needed bpd and depression treatments, and has an apple shaped figure, though with larger hips than the average apple shaped woman. she has a hard time dealing with it and often asks lucia or hugo for reassurance that “she hasn’t lost her looks”, but hugo and lucia don’t think she’s ugly at all and think she’s the most beautiful woman ever. as poison embraces her “butch trans woman” identity, as well, her anxieties about her weight and figure subside and she gains her typical confidence back again.

dan: basically has my build. you know, big arms, wide shoulders, 52-48-53 measurements, the works. dan thinks it makes him ugly sometimes and definitely compares himself to “prettier people” like ken, but he still wants to be a beacon of body positivity, especially to yuriko, who also looks like him, and he wants her to feel reassured that she can look like that and still feel good about herself.

that’s all i have but...i hope these aren’t too dumb

#francis' headcanons

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femalenough · 2 years

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Omg 3, 10, 22 from the shitty discourse ask !!

3- fatphobia

I used to struggle with an ed and still kinda do and I used to be terrified of gaining weight and being ugly or unfuckable but the radfem community helped me alot in finding worth outside my looks and realizing skinny isn't the only way to be beautiful. Not to mention womyn are literally built to hold fat and survive. I love my fat and cellulite and skin and body and anyone who is fatphobic is grossly wrong. Also notice how dadbods are often praised yet womyn, even after birth, are asked when they're gonna bounce back or start a diet?

10- do agereg blogs glorify pedophilia&ddlg?

Kid friendly content and bright pastel colors are fine, sfw age regression I feel is safe and used to cope. People who take advantage of these people (read, daddy doms) are predatory and should die. Coping is fine, regressing at home and coloring and watching cartoons and hell even using a pacifier *granted watch your teeth* are all fine if you wanna vent about it I understand but to me the dominant side of ddlg is whats harmful the men who are attracted to this vulnerability and want to recreate trauma out of it. I think calling it "pedobait" and all is a bit harsh for sfw blogs, which I've seen before. But granted I don't think men sexulaizing something makes it inherently sexual otherwise everything would be. In short, nonsexual blogs no I don't think it promotes pedophilia but sexual ones yes.

22- drag queens

I've never cared for drag queens. I went to one pride event a few years ago and saw one and it just made me very uncomfortable. At the time I thought maybe it was internalized homophobia, maybe a feminine man made me uncomfortable. But seeing womyn in the same outfits made me feel gross too. The outfits they wear are designed to be uncomfortable, the makeup dramatic and unhumanlike to a point, it's a mockery of the suffering womyn are forced to go through everyday. Their catchprases ('serving cunt') don't help either. It's a gross portrayal of womynhood. It's offensive at best and dehumanizing at worst.

#thank you for the ask #im glad it didnt completely flop #i always see your name in my notifs #hiiiiiii #you make me smile #sorry for the long post #asks open #detrans #gender critical #radfem #terf safe #terf #female #swerf #terfs pls touch #ftmtf

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theorist-influencer-untitled · 3 months

Text

1.23.24 Tuesday

8:34 am

In the house now, travelling with Mr Turtle... Thank God, we're done on nesting... Next phase again on Wednesday... It is my off today and will stream later...

Thanks to Boss Sho for the trainings and the rest for being professional. There is no perfect relationship but there is professionalism and being responsible to the situation.

Huh? This tumbler will be dismissed??? That is totally unfair... I will definitely leave Cavite if that happens... I will stay away from human most specially human behind this... According to the post Tumbler will be closed by tomorrow, that is totally unfair... How can I transfer my entries in 1 day?? My details are all important here, angels...

8:49 am

Anyways, I will stream to get dates but I'm really having a hard time to like someone... Liking someone for me it is timing and feelings.

Like the Black American Man that I saw in Conduent from the past days... I told him here and on some classmates then Ray said why didn't you approach him. I said coz it will not work that way... I mean he must reciprocate if he likes me but I told them that man is my type these days on being black...

Why, I like him coz he looks mature and I know he is an adult... He looks very manly... I find him cute when he slightly smiled at me... My past bf's were somewhat same body built or same height. He looks manly that he can protect me... I told Ray, you think that black american man is just here in Conduent? Probably,working here as well... Ray said it is possible coz the vicinity of Conduent is big and it is like a maze... Probably one of the upper leaders or client in Conduent...

From the past months there were so many black american and arab men there in Conduent but just simply working as an agent and one of them is also a big boss... I got this information from ate Wena, one of the securities in Conduent.

Where can I get a Daddy-bf? Someone who can be mutual with me,someone who can accept my ugly situation and someone who is truly into me or likes me... Oh! Daddy,where are you??

youtube

9:18 am

Meet Mr Turtle... If I can't find a Daddy-bf then will be with Mr Turtle or Snoopy...

9:54 am

For Daddy....

youtube

6:29 pm

Done,eating dinner later night will stream... Will do some task here... Hoping I can set it up easily,oh angels help me...

For Daddy who likes me... Still missing? I'm self-pitying, somehow... But I'm glad I have a job that I need to keep until June and hoping I can save money... I don't know if I can get the regularization, anyways if not I hope I can get in easily again on other call center. Hoping for money and career growth...

I wanna travel and for my son-dog our dog show and vanity. I need to save money...

But for my Daddy who is still missing... Hopefully to meet him, in a lil while...

I need to diet and exercise my abs coz other people in Conduent are exercising in the gym. I have no extra for gym and no time to go to gym, no car as well...

youtube

I need to diet.... Will find my Daddy...

6:50 pm

I still have windblow... I want Daddy to know me better that I'm looking for a bf who is tall, black and handsome... But it is hard to find the one I want like last week but I know there will be more Daddies along the way...

It is important to keep a job...

I want black this time,angels... I want someone who can speak English or really american....

6:59 pm

I still have windblow... About Mitch, did she give me a simple battery??? I don't have any guilty emotions on her.

What did Mitch do to me since 2007? A simple battery? Mingling with people???

I'm gonna put here if I like someone like I like someone a black from last week... It is hard for me to like someone...

I feel bitterish coz of my situation... 17 YEARS I feel so ugly and fat and in a lil while I wanna be Manila Girl!

7:22 pm

I feel that something is wrong on Mitch... Why? Why,Mitch?

Why, you have a group? It is a weird windblow... What did she plan on me,that Mitch???

7:34 pm

I want my own crew... I don't want them to change me... Why, Mitch is creating her own group? Is it against me??? I have windblow...

Is Mitch will be an artist there, that I don't know??? Did she give me a simple battery???

7:41 pm

Did Mitch give me a simple battery?

You owe me Mitch... Is she famous somewhere here in Cavite, her own group that they gave me a simple battery??? Am I a victim here?

I don't like the cheap cavitenyos... I don't like their crew that they will make me cheap or they chose Mitch to be their actress here in Cavite? 17 years Mitch... You created a group without me...

8:58 pm

I really wanna be Manila Girl again... I have windblow here in Cavite.

I feel self-pityish.....

#Youtube

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i-will-be-happy · 4 months

Text

I'm rewatching Euphoria and it's so weird how I'm changing as a person

I watched it when it first came out, I watched it when it gained popularity, and I rewatched it over the course of the past three days because my sleep schedule has turned me nocturnal

I used to think I was Kat because of how I perceived myself and the shared experience we had being fat and writing fanfiction for an audience who would never know the real me

but three years later and i'm her for different reasons

i thought i found my power flirting with guys that idealized everything I wanted in life

white and blonde

people who wouldnt bat an eye at me the short brown girl who said the wrong thing at the wrong time and wore glasses and had braces and probably had weird as fuck BO

and i got it in my head that no one would ever love me properly because why would they I'm the opposite of what people around me wanted

they wanted skinny girls who wore makeup and were athletic and danced and were educated and smelled like flowers and looked pretty and didn't look like me

and i couldnt help but want the boys that were masculine and mean to me and treated me like I wasn't even there and played football

everyone ive ever been friends with outshone me in a way I could never compare to because who was I next to them?

no one!

i know im not supposed to think like this but maybe I surrounded myself with ugly people to look better

thats mean

my friends are gorgeous

and friendly

and amicable

i want to be something so badly

i want to make something out of this short life I know is going to end soon

everyone says high school isnt everything but when you have such a limited warranty it matters I want to be popular and pretty and have people like me and I don't want people to think of me weird

sixteen years and ive messed it up already

i cant even say i want to start over

i wouldnt know what to do

i dont know how to do better

i realized why im kat from euphoria when I watched her close that computer screen

my silly short life has built up to monumental failure

random people on the internet have seen my body in places no one in person will ever see

im so pathetic and worthless i dont even tell anybody anything anymore cause ITS SO DUMB

ive ruined my self image now because I think people only want me to get something

like my boobs

which arent even that great

i cant even say im tired

what am i tired of

i did this to myself its all my fault I am the reason its all gone wrong I need to fix myself I will fix myself I will be better I will be better I will be happy

#euphoria

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a-god-in-ruins-rises · 5 months

Note

What's your favorite airplane or vehicle?

oh man too many to pick just one.

the f-35 is my beloved. always has been. from the moment i first laid eyes upon it. i never doubted it. not for a second.

i also love the f-22. (yf-23 is an honorable mention.)

when i was a kid, before i knew about the f-22 and f-35, my favorite jets werse the f-16 and f-15. oh and the harrier. that was a favorite as a kid.

the sr-71 (and the preceding a-12) also always had a special place in my heart. i thought that shit was the coolest when i was a kid.

oh and the b-2 spirit. oh my god i was enthralled by this aircraft as a kid. i really believed it was like an alien spaceship or something. i still think this is one of the coolest looking aircraft ever created. all of the same can be said for its successor, the b-21 raider. i love this thing.

i think the xb-70 valkyrie is really cool.

but i also think you can't go wrong with the fucking b-52 /stratofortress/ (one of the coolest names of any aircraft that i can think of). this big ugly fat fucker is iconic. began in the 50s, still used today, and planned to continue to be used for another 30 years.

the c-130 for many of the same reasons. not only has this thing been in service for a long as time but it's still being actively produced, unlike the stratofortress. and just in general this aircraft is seeing a lot more action and is more pragmatic and fills multiple roles. such a great plane. also iconic imo.

a-10 warthog. brrrrrrrrrt.

i think the ea-6b prowler is a neat little guy.

spitfire. p51.

apache. black hawk. super cobra. chinook (and the sea knight). comanche (really cool looking).

many drones. reaper. global hawk. triton. wraith. stingray.

oa-1k sky warden.

osprey. really cool concept.

e-3 sentry and e4 nightwatch. i'm a big fan of big, command and control planes. plus i just think they both look really cool with their respective radomes.

also the vc-25 of course. tbh just the 747 in general is an amazingly built aircraft. really excited to see the 777x!

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