#Tumblr is still working poorly for me on computer poor me

[azanaquestionmark]

Wait, so is Pt.5 your favorite Jojo part?

I had to take Part 5 out of the running from its janky scans/translations. But Part 5 has some of the craziest battles and characters in the series, arguably. It’s full of crazy moments, so it’ll be a lot of fun to watch (though to be straight with you, Part 4 is the tops for me. Koichi! Act 3! The beginning of truly thought out stand battles!).

#highdio #Oh! My! God! #Tumblr is still working poorly for me on computer poor me

[thesunicarusfellfor]

Found (Outside the Screen) (CC!Dream x GN!Reader) Part 2

Request: That dream angst fuckin wrecked my heart..any chance for a part 2 with comfort(im not the og requester so if not thats fine its just OUGH my heart)

I have written this three times over because tumblr didn’t save it. THEN. Tumblr doesn’t show it to ANYONE unless they check my account. This happened to my Ranboo fic as well... I will honestly cry if no one sees this.

Once again. This is a completely fictitious story and version of Clay.

TW: Panic attacks, self deprecating thoughts,

"(Y/n)!"

His voice echoed through the house as you scrambled around corners to escape the possible wrath of your boyfriend. Or maybe even soon to be ex boyfriend.

Despite living in this house with him for a little over two years, it was beginning to feel like a maze. You couldn't tell which way was left and which way was right, your head spinning with panic as you gasped for breath.

He's gonna find you...

The house wasn't even that big, and quite an open concept, so you had no idea why you were finding it so confusing. All you knew at the moment was...

Get out.

Once your eyes landed on the door that lead out, you made a beeline towards it and flung it open. Maybe you should've known better than to attempt to run from the manhunt god...

The footsteps pounding against the floor not too far behind you startled you enough to jump outside and slam the door behind you in hopes of giving yourself enough time to run farther.

There were plenty of things failing to register in your mind as you ran down the empty sidewalks. Such as the poor choice (or lack) of shoes you were wearing, or even the heavy night rain pelting down on your shaking body.

Your lungs were burning.. But your brain had thrown itself so far into fight or flight mode that you had no care for anything around you, hardly blinking twice as the signs of unfamiliar street names flew past you.

Eventually, when you physically couldn't breathe any longer, you sat on a bench and took awhile to think. The consistent rain pelting down on your head was actually a decent grounder to help you snap yourself out of it... But that only caused more confusion and another wave of panic to wash over you.

Where... were you?

Doesn't matter. Don't go back.

Oh God... He hates you..

Why wouldn't he..?

He was too embarrassed to show you to his chat!

What did you do that was so embarrassing?

God.. What was so wrong with you that he stayed in his streaming room for days on end!?

Pulling your knees up to your chest, you choked back a few sobs, trying your best to keep what was left of your composure. Very quickly, however, you gave up on trying to hold yourself together and broke down, hiding your face in your knees.

Time seemed to pass by way too quickly but also way too slowly at the same time.. Like time itself was giving you the one finger salute. When you finally stopped crying, you leaned back against the back of the bench and gave a shaky sigh before you decided to attempt to think rationally again.

You had no clue where you were. Nothing looked familiar. What time is it? No clue, you don't have your... Your phone!

You quickly scrambled to your pocket to pull out the cellular device, and stared at the black screen for a few seconds. Anxiety was the reason for your hesitance as you stared into your reflection, frowning slightly. Without thinking twice, you pressed the button and the screen lit up with various arrays of colours.

78 Missed calls from Clay💚

2 Missed calls from George👓🇬🇧

7 Missed calls from Sapnap🔥

Was... He so mad that his friends were trying to yell at you too? You tilted your head slightly and scrolled through the other notifications on your lockscreen.

Twitter seemed to be losing their minds over your boyfriend's stream and wondering who the stranger was. Seeing the headlines flooded you with immeasurable guilt and you almost put your phone down again, if your phone didn't start buzzing.

You glanced down at the screen and say Clay was making call number 79... Man, he was persistent.. and he would probably continue to call until you answered...

Your finger hovered over the decline button, before slowly moving over and landing on the green one instead. "...Hello...?"

"(Y/n)...?" Had... He been crying...? "Oh my god! You're alive!" He gasped out with glee before giving a few sobs of... relief...?

"...You... Aren't... Mad?" You whispered very softly and hesitantly, your voice scratchy and sore from crying.

He sighed and there was a little bit of shuffling as well as a few male voices in the background. "No. Not in the slightest... Where are you? I want to apologize in person.. And when it doesn't sound like you're in a hurricane.."

You lifted your head up to look at the rain that was continuing to pelt down on you before looking around. "..I'm not sure.." You heard your partner echo your statement in question form as you looked for street signs through the rain. Glancing back at your phone, you saw the screen light up again, this time it was a warning label.

Your battery was almost dead...

"C-Clay.. My phone is going to die.." You murmured softly, your heart filling with dread as you turned down your brightness and closed any unnecessary apps.

There was a little bit of clattering and shuffling on the line as Clay hurriedly walked from the windows to the door, trying to see you from the home. "G-give me landmarks! Hurry!" He practically begged as you shot up from your bench, ignoring the burning soreness in your legs.

Spinning around quickly, you began listing off a few company buildings you saw, trying to shout over the rain and a few cars driving by. "Yeah-yeah! There's also that little sushi place beside the restaurant too.."

You heard the furious typing of his computer before another almost sob of relief. "You're on Rosewood Avenue... How the hell did you run that far? Okay, you're going to walk in the opposite direction of the sushi place until you reach a road called Miller Road, got that?" He waited for a verbal noise of agreement before continuing, "Once you get there, turn left and keep walking straight until you get to a steakhouse. I'll meet you half way, if you don't see me there, don't move unless you have to. Got it?" He asked firmly, with a small hint of desperation in his tone.

You rubbed your face as you mentally repeated the directions to yourself. "Yeah.. Yeah.. I got it." You began to walk along the sidewalks, your shoulders beginning to tremble from the water induced shivers trailing up and down your spine.

"..(Y/n)?"

"Yeah?"

"I lov-"

Your phone died..

Pulling the device away from your head, you pressed the buttons a few times before groaning and shoving it into your pockets as you began to walk.

Your mind was blurry but also hyper aware along the walk to the road where Clay told you to go. 'What was he going to say? If... He doesn't hate me... was he going to say- No.. no. He hadn't said that line in over a few months now.. No reason why he would say it now..' You mentally scolded yourself.

The rain didn't seem to be too keen on letting up as you walked through large rippling puddles. Your clothes were soaked, your hair completely drenched and you were pretty sure you were gonna need to buy a new phone with how much your current one was getting waterlogged..

You rose your arm to shield your face from the onslaught of water that a car had caused by driving through a large puddle before running your hand down your face.

Part of you was still a bit.. angry... at Clay... He had ignored you for so long and wanted nothing to do with you.. Then suddenly you spill hot coffee on yourself and then boom, you have the man more focused than when he has a good speed run seed. What about all those times you were begging him to come to bed, or at least eat dinner at the table with you? Did you only matter when you were in pain?

Biting your lip, you shook off the thought as you looked up again to see the steakhouse that you were directed to go to, the signs glowingly and people shuffling in and out through the doors...

Then there was another man, standing under a large black umbrella wearing a damp lime green hoodie...

Only you'd recognize that face anywhere where others wouldn't.. Standing in the street lights perfectly was your boyfriend, Clay.

Your heart trembled but also melted slightly upon seeing that he wasn't paying attention to his screen anymore. You. He was focused on finding you...

As you began to walk closer, you saw him lift his head and stare at you for a few seconds before dropping the umbrella and lunge forward to wrap you in a loving embrace. "I'm sorry.." Was the first thing he whispered, his voice almost as hoarse as yours. "I know.. that a simple apology will never excuse what I put you through... You cared for me, and even after a stupidly ignored you... You still didn't leave, or get angry. I don't deserve you, I know that, and you have every right to be upset, angry or whatever you're feeling right now.. Please, it doesn't matter how long it takes... Just let me make it up to you and let me prove myself worthy of your love again.."

Your lips parted in surprise as you stared at him, the streetlight poorly capturing his normal beauty, but still doing it well enough that you felt your heart soar. "Clay..." Your eyes traced his features, his puffy and reddened eyes and his cheeks stained with tear tracks, "You have a lot to work and make up for... I'm not going to forgive you immediately, but I'm not going to leave you.. We can work things out.. Together, okay?"

He eagerly nodded and gently held your face in his hands before pressing a light kiss to your forehead. "I'll break away from video editing and streaming for a while.. So I can focus on repairing things with you.."

You buried your face into the male's sweater, that was beginning to become soaked as well from the rain and you, and closed your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him.

"(Y/n)?"

"Mm..?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Clay."

#dreamwastaken #dreamwastaken x reader #dreamwastaken x you #dreamsmp #dreamwastaken x y/n #reader insert #x reader #dream x reader #dream x you #mcyt #mcyt x reader

[icarushasfallenfromthestars]

That dream angst fuckin wrecked my heart..any chance for a part 2 with comfort(im not the og requester so if not thats fine its just OUGH my heart)

So both you and the og requester asked for a part 2, which means I'm definitely gonna do it! (I'd do it even if the og didn't ask so lmao) I HAD TO REWRITE THIS 12 GOD DAMN TIMES BECAUSE TUMBLR IS SHIT AT SAVING THINGS

I'm honestly so glad people enjoy my writings! Feel free to request more! My inbox is open and I have no requests lined up yet!

Once again. This is a completely fictitious story and version of Clay.

TW: Panic attacks, self deprecating thoughts,

Part one

Found (Outside The Screen) (Dream x GN! Reader) Part 2

"(Y/n)!"

His voice echoed through the house as you scrambled around corners to escape the possible wrath of your boyfriend. Or maybe even soon to be ex boyfriend.

Despite living in this house with him for a little over two years, it was beginning to feel like a maze. You couldn't tell which way was left and which way was right, your head spinning with panic as you gasped for breath.

He's gonna find you...

The house wasn't even that big, and quite an open concept, so you had no idea why you were finding it so confusing. All you knew at the moment was...

Get out.

Once your eyes landed on the door that lead out, you made a beeline towards it and flung it open. Maybe you should've known better than to attempt to run from the manhunt god...

The footsteps pounding against the floor not too far behind you startled you enough to jump outside and slam the door behind you in hopes of giving yourself enough time to run farther.

There were plenty of things failing to register in your mind as you ran down the empty sidewalks. Such as the poor choice (or lack) of shoes you were wearing, or even the heavy night rain pelting down on your shaking body.

Your lungs were burning.. But your brain had thrown itself so far into fight or flight mode that you had no care for anything around you, hardly blinking twice as the signs of unfamiliar street names flew past you.

Eventually, when you physically couldn't breathe any longer, you sat on a bench and took awhile to think. The consistent rain pelting down on your head was actually a decent grounder to help you snap yourself out of it... But that only caused more confusion and another wave of panic to wash over you.

Where... were you?

Doesn't matter. Don't go back.

Oh God... He hates you..

Why wouldn't he..?

He was too embarrassed to show you to his chat!

What did you do that was so embarrassing?

God.. What was so wrong with you that he stayed in his streaming room for days on end!?

Pulling your knees up to your chest, you choked back a few sobs, trying your best to keep what was left of your composure. Very quickly, however, you gave up on trying to hold yourself together and broke down, hiding your face in your knees.

Time seemed to pass by way too quickly but also way too slowly at the same time.. Like time itself was giving you the one finger salute. When you finally stopped crying, you leaned back against the back of the bench and gave a shaky sigh before you decided to attempt to think rationally again.

You had no clue where you were. Nothing looked familiar. What time is it? No clue, you don't have your... Your phone!

You quickly scrambled to your pocket to pull out the cellular device, and stared at the black screen for a few seconds. Anxiety was the reason for your hesitance as you stared into your reflection, frowning slightly. Without thinking twice, you pressed the button and the screen lit up with various arrays of colours.

78 Missed calls from Clay💚

2 Missed calls from George👓🇬🇧

7 Missed calls from Sapnap🔥

Was... He so mad that his friends were trying to yell at you too? You tilted your head slightly and scrolled through the other notifications on your lockscreen.

Twitter seemed to be losing their minds over your boyfriend's stream and wondering who the stranger was. Seeing the headlines flooded you with immeasurable guilt and you almost put your phone down again, if your phone didn't start buzzing.

You glanced down at the screen and say Clay was making call number 79... Man, he was persistent.. and he would probably continue to call until you answered...

Your finger hovered over the decline button, before slowly moving over and landing on the green one instead. "...Hello...?"

"(Y/n)...?" Had... He been crying...? "Oh my god! You're alive!" He gasped out with glee before giving a few sobs of... relief...?

"...You... Aren't... Mad?" You whispered very softly and hesitantly, your voice scratchy and sore from crying.

He sighed and there was a little bit of shuffling as well as a few male voices in the background. "No. Not in the slightest... Where are you? I want to apologize in person.. And when it doesn't sound like you're in a hurricane.."

You lifted your head up to look at the rain that was continuing to pelt down on you before looking around. "..I'm not sure.." You heard your partner echo your statement in question form as you looked for street signs through the rain. Glancing back at your phone, you saw the screen light up again, this time it was a warning label.

Your battery was almost dead...

"C-Clay.. My phone is going to die.." You murmured softly, your heart filling with dread as you turned down your brightness and closed any unnecessary apps.

There was a little bit of clattering and shuffling on the line as Clay hurriedly walked from the windows to the door, trying to see you from the home. "G-give me landmarks! Hurry!" He practically begged as you shot up from your bench, ignoring the burning soreness in your legs.

Spinning around quickly, you began listing off a few company buildings you saw, trying to shout over the rain and a few cars driving by. "Yeah-yeah! There's also that little sushi place beside the restaurant too.."

You heard the furious typing of his computer before another almost sob of relief. "You're on Rosewood Avenue... How the hell did you run that far? Okay, you're going to walk in the opposite direction of the sushi place until you reach a road called Miller Road, got that?" He waited for a verbal noise of agreement before continuing, "Once you get there, turn left and keep walking straight until you get to a steakhouse. I'll meet you half way, if you don't see me there, don't move unless you have to. Got it?" He asked firmly, with a small hint of desperation in his tone.

You rubbed your face as you mentally repeated the directions to yourself. "Yeah.. Yeah.. I got it." You began to walk along the sidewalks, your shoulders beginning to tremble from the water induced shivers trailing up and down your spine.

"..(Y/n)?"

"Yeah?"

"I lov-"

Your phone died..

Pulling the device away from your head, you pressed the buttons a few times before groaning and shoving it into your pockets as you began to walk.

Your mind was blurry but also hyper aware along the walk to the road where Clay told you to go. 'What was he going to say? If... He doesn't hate me... was he going to say- No.. no. He hadn't said that line in over a few months now.. No reason why he would say it now..' You mentally scolded yourself.

The rain didn't seem to be too keen on letting up as you walked through large rippling puddles. Your clothes were soaked, your hair completely drenched and you were pretty sure you were gonna need to buy a new phone with how much your current one was getting waterlogged..

You rose your arm to shield your face from the onslaught of water that a car had caused by driving through a large puddle before running your hand down your face.

Part of you was still a bit.. angry... at Clay... He had ignored you for so long and wanted nothing to do with you.. Then suddenly you spill hot coffee on yourself and then boom, you have the man more focused than when he has a good speed run seed. What about all those times you were begging him to come to bed, or at least eat dinner at the table with you? Did you only matter when you were in pain?

Biting your lip, you shook off the thought as you looked up again to see the steakhouse that you were directed to go to, the signs glowingly and people shuffling in and out through the doors...

Then there was another man, standing under a large black umbrella wearing a damp lime green hoodie...

Only you'd recognize that face anywhere where others wouldn't.. Standing in the street lights perfectly was your boyfriend, Clay.

Your heart trembled but also melted slightly upon seeing that he wasn't paying attention to his screen anymore. You. He was focused on finding you...

As you began to walk closer, you saw him lift his head and stare at you for a few seconds before dropping the umbrella and lunge forward to wrap you in a loving embrace. "I'm sorry.." Was the first thing he whispered, his voice almost as hoarse as yours. "I know.. that a simple apology will never excuse what I put you through... You cared for me, and even after a stupidly ignored you... You still didn't leave, or get angry. I don't deserve you, I know that, and you have every right to be upset, angry or whatever you're feeling right now.. Please, it doesn't matter how long it takes... Just let me make it up to you and let me prove myself worthy of your love again.."

Your lips parted in surprise as you stared at him, the streetlight poorly capturing his normal beauty, but still doing it well enough that you felt your heart soar. "Clay..." Your eyes traced his features, his puffy and reddened eyes and his cheeks stained with tear tracks, "You have a lot to work and make up for... I'm not going to forgive you immediately, but I'm not going to leave you.. We can work things out.. Together, okay?"

He eagerly nodded and gently held your face in his hands before pressing a light kiss to your forehead. "I'll break away from video editing and streaming for a while.. So I can focus on repairing things with you.."

You buried your face into the male's sweater, that was beginning to become soaked as well from the rain and you, and closed your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him.

"(Y/n)?"

"Mm..?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Clay."

#dreamwastaken #mcyt x reader #dreamwastaken x reader #dream smp #x reader #reader insert #dreamwastaken x you #mcyt

[inkyblacc]

Amazon is Run by Cowards

I have been a victim of an Amazon scam, and then a victim of the American site's worthless customer service (the Canadian customer service was pretty good). The scammers must have targeted my account because it is not eligible to post reviews, which is infuriating considering the shitty product I got as part of a brushing scam is MOSTLY fake reviews that somehow got verified. Because Amazon is run by Beezoos, the most cowardly coward of all, y'all on my Tumblr get to see my review of M35 BT 5.1 Wireless Earbuds. Beware the buds. You shall soon see why.

Note: I wrote this review in character as a good Christian wife (tm), and while I'm not not Christian, I'm deliberately aping the most insufferable kind of Christian alive. Good? Good.

We begin.

If I weren’t a believer in Christ, I would think that receiving a box of wireless headphones I didn’t pay for after loudly whining about wanting wireless earbuds to my dear husband was most serendipitous. However, as I am a believer in both Christ and logic, the fact that someone has sent me a box of wireless earbuds in a brushing scam has left me left with the sneaking suspicion that I have asked and received, but that the Lord protects me and not my data.

Thus there is no other choice than to write a review for these things. If my data is being used to help third-party scammers write fake reviews, then I have no choice but to do God’s work and write an honest review for these earbuds, as it will help keep the balance of paid reviews written with poor grammar and honest descriptions of actual products.

I opened the box of earbuds and immediately saw instructions written in a language I can’t read. This did not bode well. I flipped it over and saw a language I do read, which instructed me on how to charge the earbuds. I immediately dropped the charging case because I was not blessed with dexterity and because the plastic is very smooth and difficult to grip. It is the size and shape of a container of breath mints, and I anticipate popping one of these into my mouth by accident in the near future. It took me a few tries to insert the earbuds into the case, and that didn’t bode well either. The instructions weren’t exactly clear. Then I located the world’s shortest charging cord--it’s half the length of my short little 5'4 forearm and plugged it into my computer. While I was half-convinced it would upload some mysterious virus onto my computer, I am most disappointed that I won’t have the opportunity to clack at my keyboard like a movie hacker in an attempt to stop the virus. I’m assuming that the four dots indicate the level of charge to these things, and the final blue light couldn't quite figure out if the earbuds were adequately charged or not. In an effort to have this out post-haste, I decided to risk not having the full power of my earbuds. Full power = one hour. Sometimes, you really do get what you pay for. The lights on the minty fresh carrying case stay on for a few seconds after the things are pulled out, which seems like a colossal waste of battery for something that only holds an hour's worth of charge.

I attempted to connect the device to my laptop. It appears that my laptop is equally confused about how I came to be in possession of these earbuds because it couldn’t find them. I followed the instructions, which admittedly didn’t have very good grammar, and it still couldn’t find them. I heard “power off” in my ear so the things were on at some point. I had to put both back and then pop one out to see and start the discovery process over again. I’m not sure how they were powered off, as the instructions left no “remarks” (as they put it) on how to turn the earbuds on or off. When I stuck the other one in to evaluate the sound quality, it made a noise of protest, like it resented being out of the warm plastic cocoon and in my ear. I don’t like that. That’s an automatic star docked. I demand respect from my devices and tolerate no talk-back.

In truth, I resent this thing as much as it resents me.

It works. I can say that much. But the sound is tinny. I fear to see the sort of beastly ears these things are designed for because they do not fit in my good Christian ears at all. I suppose this is better for my ears long term, thank the Lord, but in the short term, I cannot hear my anime without cranking the volume on my laptop to the max, as the kids say. It sounds like I’m listening to someone watch Hunter x Hunter in the other room, and I want the sensual voice of Hisoka delivered right into my ear parts, so loud it’s like nothing else but Hisoka exists.

God forgive me, I am but a simple simp.

I disconnected the earbuds from my laptop and heard a voice, like from a garbled DVD rip of a foreign film, telling me I was disconnected. While I appreciated the notice, I couldn’t help but wonder why a robot from the seventies was shouting at me.

I did not have to restart the process of seeking the earbuds on my phone. It just took about seven minutes to do so. It then took two tries to pair them with my phone. Again, this did not bode well. But, I have never been one to acknowledge red flags, which is both how I met my ex-boyfriend and how I got banned from the local go-kart track. I made sure it was connected, though the name had changed from M35 to BTRAVE, like “betray”, and M35 had vanished just like the rum in that delightful pirate movie, and then I went to play the first YouTube video I saw. The earbuds had disconnected without the vintage robot telling me, and I was blasting book reviews for the entire house to hear, as my phone speakers work and these earbuds do not. In the spirit of second chances, just as Lord Jesus would do, I tried again. Once again, the robot voice of a bygone era graced my ears, and I went to Spotify instead. Well, wouldn’t you know it, but they had not connected either, and now everyone I live with knows that I enjoy emo music I should have grown out of ten years ago.

So, in short, the Lord works in mysterious ways and the devil grows ever more powerful. I asked and received diddly fricking squat. They worked with one device and not the other, thus making them slightly useless for taking calls as the poorly written instructions advertise. I have never felt such disappointment, not even when I grew out of my emo phase and realized that this is just my personality and all the adult contemporary in the world couldn’t change that. In short, I received this product for free, and it still isn’t worth what I paid for it. Sometimes, it really do be like that.

Praise be, and have a blessed day.

#amazon #jeff besos #jeff bezos #jeff bozo #beezoos #amazon product #shit posting #but like #for a good cause #shit posting for justice #review #product review #scam #scammers #scammers really do be testing my patience #shitpost #shitposting #funny #maybe #I laughed #scammers dni #scammers take notes #this is what happens #when you mess #with a gremlin

[lestered]

lost in your paradise

m, 9.3k

It’s been six years of surreal friendship, and an even surrealer crush. Six years of traveling all around the world, and wanting to kiss him in every place.

Six years of chickening out every time.

Dan has no reason to believe that Japan will be any different, but anything can happen when you get lost under the Tokyo lights.

read on ao3 or under the cut

written for @starboydjh for @phanfictionevents spring fic exchange! thank you Hadley for giving me such an amazing prompt to work with!

many thanks as well to my beta, irl bff @b-j-e who definitely isn’t reading this because he hasn’t used his tumblr in five years and has probably had enough of this fic by now, but still deserves an mvp award.

He wants to kiss him in Manchester.

60 meters up in the sky, gazing out over Phil’s favorite city in the world. The one he’d insisted that Dan come to visit so that he could really meet his new best friend.

Well... he'd phrased it that way at least, but Dan could’ve sworn that the words ‘best friend’ were laced with something else. Something in Phil’s eyes, in his tone of voice, in the way Dan could see his eyes moving over the screen, flickering from his lips to his bare chest and back into his eyes - that said they were best friends, no doubt, but maybe they could be more. That maybe Phil wants more. Wants what Dan had suspected himself of wanting since before they’d even spoken, and what had been confirmed on that train platform when he’d finally locked onto that ocean-blue gaze in person and been tugged so easily into a warm, tight embrace that had left him flushed and happy and still, hours later, charged with an overwhelming urge to pull Phil in close again, to put his hands on him and kiss that adorable, lopsided smile off his lips. To put it all on the line even though it’s a bit terrifying.

Not even a bit terrifying, actually. Just… regular terrifying. So he sits close and lets their thighs press together and their hands and elbows brush and meets each of Phil’s curious, unreadable glances with something just as unreadable, just hoping Phil picks up on his wanting and leans in and does what he doesn’t have the courage to do himself. But whether Phil’s just as nervous and unsure as Dan, or because he genuinely doesn’t want to, his wish goes unfulfilled.

He doesn’t kiss him on the Manchester eye. He also doesn’t kiss him that night in his bed, or all the other times in Rawtenstall, or in Phil’s crappy first apartment or the first that they share. He doesn’t kiss him all the times they find themselves leaning in too close, holding each other’s gaze for too long, letting little offhand but suggestive comments drift out and float almost antagonizingly in the space between them.

He wanted to kiss him in Manchester.

But he didn’t.

***

Their hotel room in Japan is unreal. From the plush beds to the high-tech toilet to the mirror-TV, it’s by far the nicest room they’ve ever stayed in. It’s cool - too cool for them, frankly, but no one really needs to know that. Dan’s definitely not one to complain.

Personally, he’s a particularly big fan of their jacuzzi tub. It’s big enough to fit his giant noodle body, for one - a luxury that most tubs don’t afford him. And for another thing, he’s found that there’s nothing quite like a nice hot soak after a full day of walking around, exploring, because they can’t miss a thing, because Tokyo’s been their dream destination for years and who knows if they’ll ever get to come back.

It’s a lot of activity.

And it’s definitely worth it; it’s just also a bit strenuous for someone who spends most of his time slumped in front of a computer screen. Some warm bubbles go a long way when it’s time to unwind from it.

He may have stayed in a bit too long tonight, judging by the pruny state of his fingers and toes, but he can’t bring himself to care as he dries off, taking some extra time to towel the wetness out of his hair. The sooner it dries, the sooner he can straighten it.

A puff of steam follows him when he steps out into the bedroom a moment later in just his t-shirt and boxers, causing an unintentionally dramatic scene.

He half-expects Phil to notice and tease him for it. However, Phil’s laid out on his bed, still in the exact position he’d fallen into upon arriving back to their room - flat on his back, fully starfished save for the phone that he’s now holding to his ear.

“No, come on, don’t apologize. Tell him we hope he feels better soon, yeah?”

Dan gives him a curious glance as he flops forward onto his own bed, stretching out on his stomach and sliding his arms around to hug the pillow that he’s smushed into his cheek.

“Right, good luck. And seriously, thanks for everything you guys’ve done for us here, alright? Yeah… talk to you later.”

Phil blows out a breath, sets his phone down and rolls over to face Dan in a position that mimics his own.

“That was Mimei.” He tells him, though Dan figured as much. “They can’t come out tonight, apparently Duncan’s a bit under the weather and she’d feel bad leaving him alone. I guess he doesn't handle being poorly too well.”

Dan feels the corners of his mouth turn down in a small, disappointed frown. “Oh." He shifts to adjust the positioning of the pillow under his head. "That sucks, I wanted to go out one more time. I guess we could get room service, though, and now I won’t have to straighten my hair…”

“What are talking about?” Phil interrupts him before he can finish his thought. “We can still go out.”

Oh, god. Six years later, his heart is still full to bursting with love for his best friend, but he can’t deny that Phil has a tendency to lack crucial self awareness in situations like these. Phil must sense the apprehension on his part, because he quickly follows it up:

"It's our last night, we can't not go out!"

“Phil.” He rolls his eyes. “We can’t go out alone at night. We don't know where we're going, we can’t read the signs... we can’t use data here, so Maps is out of the question if we get lost which, since you have the navigational proficiency of a blind goose with vertigo…”

Phil’s spare pillow lands against his face with a soft thud before Dan can finish whatever hyperbolic insult he was ready to make up on the fly.

He knows what comes next: the pillow falls away and he’s met with big, blue puppy dog eyes and a pout. Phil doesn’t even need to say anything, and he knows it. Pure evil, he is.

(Not really. Pure evil would be if he knew what those eyes really do to Dan, if he knew how desperately Dan wants to make them light up and kiss the pout off his lips. But he doesn’t know. As it stands, Phil just believes himself to be an exceptionally talented beggar.)

“Fuck off.” He groans, and turns his face fully into the pillow before he gets too caught up. “Fine, we’ll go out if you'll stop being an insufferable spoon.”

The giggle he gets in return lets Dan know that Phil’s very pleased with himself, but he doesn’t need to look up to see his smile. He’s got it memorized already.

***

He wants to kiss him in Wokingham.

It’s not the right time, though.

Wokingham isn’t what he wants or who he wants to be; It's everything he wants to leave behind. It's loneliness and confusion and self-doubt - really, it's everything that Phil’s not.

Phil is warmth and support and a genuine hope that maybe he won’t have to define himself by the first eighteen mediocre years of his life. Phil is someone who actually believes in him in a way that he hasn’t believed in himself for years.

Phil’s the future he wants. Their first kiss ought to be in some place that represents his hope for that future, not the place he’s so eager to ditch.

Right.

That’s what he tells himself. Really, it's a convoluted excuse to cover the fact that he’s just scared shitless. Again.  

Having Phil with him in Wokingham is strange. He’s been happy letting these two parts of his life exist completely separate from each other so far. Of course, Phil makes him feel safe, but he’d be lying if he said that having him in his hometown doesn’t make him feel… exposed. Vulnerable. As if Phil would arrive here and immediately sniff out all of Dan’s yet-unspoken baggage - that uneasy balance between stupid teen angst and real, confusing, lonely, amorphous sadness that hangs so heavy in the air of his teenage bedroom that it’s almost tangible to him.  

He thinks, at first, that Phil's not picked up on it. Phil’s just happy to see him, always so happy to see him. Inexplicably so, in Dan’s opinion, no matter how many times Phil tries to tell him otherwise.

He doesn’t realize until late that night, in bed, that Phil’s more perceptive than he’d given him credit for.

“Thanks for letting me come here, Dan.” His voice is laced with understanding when he whispers into the dark, tugging him into his chest and sending Dan's heart into overdrive. It’d be so easy to do it now, to tilt his head up, to lean in just a bit, to brush his lips against Phil’s.

But he's frozen in place because a kiss could lose him this embrace if Phil doesn’t kiss him back. And he realizes he’s not ready to take that risk.

Will he ever be?

“You’re welcome.” He whispers instead, letting his eyes fall shut and releasing the breath he’d been holding. “I’m glad you’re here, Phil.”

He wanted to kiss him in Wokingham.

But he didn’t.

***

“Remember you want the tuna roll to end up in your mouth, and not on the back of some poor unsuspecting lady’s neck across the room.”

Phil kicks his shin under the table, but his blush and bitten-back smile betray any malice he might’ve been attempting.

“I hate you.” He mumbles. “You can't just let me live that down?”

“Do you even know me?” Dan crumples his straw wrapper into a tiny ball and flicks it across the table. It lands in Phil's lap and his mind may or may not be playing tricks on him when he thinks he sees a hint of fondness in the eyeroll that follows. “Of course not.”

They’re sat at the sushi restaurant from a few nights ago. It was their safest bet - the majority of the waitstaff speak at least some English and they know enough rudimentary Japanese food-words to pick things off menu. The overlap is enough for them to order their rolls and an extra side of spicy mayo, which suits them just fine.

Last time they sat at the bar, this time they're tucked into a table-for-two in the back corner. It's clearly not meant for two men as tall as them. They keep accidentally stepping on each other's toes.

(Maybe not always accidentally on Dan's part. Lamely, he knows that it's probably the closest he'll ever get to a game of footsie.)

“Do I get to tell the internet about how you cried at the Ghibli museum, then?” Phil asks, and this time there's definitely a fond glimmer behind his teasing expression.

That earns Phil his own kick to the shin. “Go ahead. They won’t judge me for it, they’ll judge you for being the soulless robot who didn’t cry.”

The look of shocked indignation on Phil's face before he schools his features into a cooler, more neutral expression is incredibly precious.

“Whatever." He retorts. "I was emotional too, I just held it together so I could be there to support you.”

The joking lilt of Phil’s voice unfortunately doesn't tame the swooping sensation he feels by default in the pit of his stomach every time Phil says something that makes him wonder if there's any truth, any genuine feeling behind the bants.

He decides that he's feeling a little too sober for this.

***

He wants to kiss him in Blackpool.

It's a getaway, not quite the way they’d planned it, but it can still be… romantic. Maybe. If he manages to actually do something right.

It’s just the two of them and that’s gotta to mean something. Do strictly platonic friends go on holiday for no other reason than wanting to enjoy each other’s company in a more private setting?

Maybe, but do they? Dan can't shake off the feeling that this trip means something more. He’s sure he senses it in the way Phil’s fingers still for a moment on the trackpad on his laptop, the cursor on the screen hovering between the one- or two-bed options on the hotel website.

The brief silence is excruciating, but no more so than the mouse click when Phil ends up selecting the room with two beds.

He supposes that doesn't necessarily mean anything. It's just that neither of them spoke up.

Blackpool turns out to be a shithole, though, so is it the right place?

Probably not, but… it'd be far less shitty if Dan could muster up the courage one goddamn night to crawl into Phil’s bed with him, instead of his own.

He actually almost does, stumbling into their room giddy and wine-drunk after a too-expensive dinner on the last night, trusting Phil to support about half his weight with the arm slung around his waist, and his arm around Phil’s shoulders.

“Fucking hell, finally.” He doesn't bother untangling them before falling backwards onto the bed, landing Phil on top of him with a surprised 'oof.'

“Shit, sorry mate.” He manages with an indelicate snort as Phil lifts himself onto his forearms. Then suddenly, Dan isn’t sorry at all - not with Phil on top of him, face flushed from the alcohol, eyes half-lidded and searching.

He really, really isn’t sorry.

“S’ok.” Phil mumbles in reply. He stays hovering over him, unmoving, his voice barely above a whisper and Dan swears he sees those pretty eyes flicker down to his lips.

If there’s ever been a go-ahead to kiss him, kiss him right fucking now, this would have to be it.

He just needs to collect himself first. Just a few deep breaths.

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale— oh.

Oh no.

“Uh, Phil. I need you to get off me now.”

All he registers is a glimpse of the confusion in Phil’s expression when he rolls off of him, only for Dan to bolt straight to the bathroom. He makes it to the toilet just in time to collapse onto his knees and empty the entire contents of his stomach.

Perhaps he’d overdone it on the liquid courage.

“...Dan?” He hears Phil’s voice drifting in from the bedroom. “You alright? Can I get you anything?”

He sounds concerned, and understandably not the least bit turned on.  Nice.

“Totally fine.” He rasps in reply, and groans internally over how his voice echoes pathetically out of the toilet bowl while he rests his forehead on the cool porcelain rim.

They go to sleep in separate beds that night.

He wanted to kiss him in Blackpool.

But he didn’t.

***

Phil, in an unprecedented display of chopstick dexterity, manages to actually finish his sushi without accidentally assaulting anyone. Dan is secretly a little bit disappointed. Dumbass moments like those become fond memories and inside jokes and another reinforcement to a bond so unique that nobody ever could manage to steal it away from him.

He'll make a memory anyway, a mental snapshot. Phil looks handsome and the lights are low and the music is soft and the food is good.

Oh, and the scorpion bowl in the middle of their table is very strong, and should definitely be shared by more than two people. But they're not letting that stop them.

In fact, Dan's been sipping a steady stream out of his straw for god knows how long.

“Christ, Dan, you're not eighteen anymore.” Phil nudges Dan’s foot with his own under the table. "Slow down if you don't wanna be hungover on the plane tomorrow. Plus you keep slurping."

“I’ll slurp your mum.” He replies without thinking, still holding the straw in between his teeth. He registers what he's actually said a second too late, just a moment after Phil looks at him with a horrified expression and he sputters before dropping his head down into his hands.

“No, no. I take it back. I didn’t say that, I did not say that.” He tries to insist, but he’s wheezing and his shoulders are shaking with laughter and he can’t take it back. Phil's joined in on the laughter and he's definitely not gonna let him take it back. “Fuck.” He sighs out when he catches his breath. “Don’t tell Kath.”

Phil’s cheeks are flushed a dark, rosy pink by the time he regains his composure and takes a long sip out of their shared drink again.

“As if I’d ever repeat one of your terrible jokes to her. She’d be scarred for life.”

Dan almost points out that Phil’s mum watches their videos, and he’s said worse on camera, but he stops himself.

Because one day of vlogging aside, this vacation has been a welcome escape, a break from the constant thought loop of youtube, youtube, fans, fans, radio, radio, youtube youtube youtube that refuses to leave them alone back in England.

His life could be a lot worse. But that doesn't change the fact that they're here right now in a whole new world where they've not been recognized, not even once, and he's breathing so easy, like a gigantic weight he hadn't even registered before has been lifted off his chest.

It’s amazing. He looks across the table at Phil. He can do that here, where they won't run into anyone, where it's unlikely that anyone's secretly watching - look at Phil for as long as he wants, not bothering to worry about schooling his features into something that definitively does not resemble heart-eyes. Phil catches his eye and stares back at him with an intent, albeit slightly unfocused gaze. He's not used to Phil looking at him this way, but his fuzzy brain can't bring itself to decipher what might be going on in Phil's head.

Whatever it might is, his best-friend-intuition tells him he likes it.

“Hey, Phil.” He says after a final decisive drink, still focused on those sparkling eyes. “Let’s go exploring.”

***

He wants to kiss him in Portugal.

It's what Blackpool was supposed to be after all, vacation-wise.

It can be what Blackpool was supposed to be kiss-wise, too, if he doesn’t majorly fuck up this time.

It’s much prettier here than Blackpool. Much prettier than anywhere they’ve been, really.

Phil especially looks pretty here, even with his pale skin slathered in SPF-one million. He’s pretty at the Zoomarine, where his eyes gleam with excitement and he makes friends with a large turtle. He’s pretty with his face flushed and his smile wide and uninhibited after a bit of sangria, when he tells him his skin looks nice under the blue sun.

He’s so very pretty on the coastline, with his sunglasses a bit crooked and his face turned up towards the sun and his hair tousled from the salty wind, sitting right next to him on the warm rocky ground.

His chest hurts when he looks at Phil like this. He’s scared sometimes of how badly he wants him.

Phil shifts closer to him, and their hands, outstretched behind them, overlap.

...Interesting. Is that more or less scary? He feels hot all of a sudden and he suspects it's from more than just the sun.

But they stay like that, and his heart races, and he has no idea what to do because Phil’s acting like they’re doing nothing unusual even though it’s been a while since they’ve touched like this.

His stupid inner romantic has never fully ruled out the possibility that maybe Phil wants him too.

So is this a move? Is he going to make another? If he does then that’s a lot of pressure off of Dan, for sure.

He waits.

He waits for a long time.

And he probably doesn’t have a right to feel disappointed when nothing happens, but he does anyway.

He wanted to kiss him in Portugal.

But he didn’t.  

***  

Stepping out into the fresh air sobers him up a little bit. Not a lot, but enough that he and Phil don’t need to lean on each other when they walk. That’s good, he doesn’t feel like looking sloppy even though Phil’s seen him at his sloppiest. And wherever they’re about to go, he wants to remember it.

They don’t talk about where they’re going, but head off at the exact same time in the exact same random direction. They walk in silence for a bit and Dan doesn’t mind. Silence is quite alright, especially if he’s sharing it with Phil. His mind is foggy and the Tokyo streets are loud enough and Phil’s right there, next to him like always. That’s enough for him.

He’s actually startled when Phil finally speaks up. “I kind of can’t believe we did this.”

Dan looks over at him and Phil’s gaze is a little distant, his voice a little dreamy, and his lips quirked into a bit of a smile. Dan’s heart swells.

“Came here, you mean?” His voice is barely above a soft murmur, but he knows Phil can hear him anyway. They find a break in traffic and cross the road towards some building he doesn’t recognize with some neon pink sign in the front that he can’t read. “I know. Kinda doesn’t feel real.”  

He thinks back over six years, how many times they talked about Japan. Too many to count, and never in concrete terms, always some vague, faraway goal.

He thinks of the times they’d sit a little too close on the couch and watch anime over breakfast, all the skype calls in the very beginning when they’d spend ages rambling to each other about Pokemon and My Neighbor Totoro. He thinks of standing at their breakfast bar in Manchester and mixing up Popin Cookin sweets, of losing their shit over Bishi Bashi special.

When he glances over to his side, he sees Phil looking right back at him. Dan can’t quite decipher his expression again, and he’s not sure it’s from the alcohol this time. The look on Phil's face quite resembles the one he'd had after spontaneously booking their tickets and following the initial excitement, something softer, but contemplative too. He likes that look. He likes having it aimed at him. He’s pretty sure his buzz intensifies for a second.

“It’s real.” Phil breathes, locking eyes with him and then looking away a little sooner than Dan wants him to. “Definitely real.”

***

He wants to kiss him in Jamaica.

He thought Portugal was pretty, but Jamaica is on a whole new level. And, as with anything else amazing that’s happened to him as of late, Phil is right there with him.

It feels kind of like a dream, if he’s being honest - that anyone would consider him important or influential enough to be on this trip.

The only reason he knows for sure that it’s not a dream is his hobbit hair. In a dream, he’d have it perfectly straightened and under control. But with the water activities and humidity here, any effort he puts in to taming his curls is entirely in vain.

Phil ruffles his hair and tells him his curls are cute. He cares a lot less after that.

What he does care about is filming and jumping off cliffs and tubing and sunset swims where Phil photographs him without his knowledge.

“What?” Phil comments when Dan whines to him about it. “It’s a cool photo. It’s artsy. You look nice.”

He scoffs at that. “It’s just my silhouette.”

“Well, it’s a good one.”

Everything around them is shades of pink and orange and gold. Warm and beautiful. Especially the golden light, bringing out the specks of yellow in Phil’s kaleidoscope eyes. Looking into them, he feels a distinct tugging somewhere in the pit of his stomach, and drifts over to Phil almost mindlessly. Phil smiles when he’s close enough.

“You have so many new freckles.” He murmurs, and taps him lightly on the tip of his nose.

“Ugh, don’t remind me. They make me look like a fucking eight-year-old.”

It’s the least sexy reply he could’ve given and he mentally scolds himself for it, but Phil doesn’t seem to notice or care.

“Shut up, they suit you.” Is all he says in reply and Dan’s lucky that there’s not enough light for Phil to see the blush spreading across his cheeks.

He doesn’t even need to make an effort to get any closer to Phil; the current does all the work for them until their knees touch.

He’s close to leaning in. More than anything, he wants to close the fucking gap.

Just his luck, though, Phil glances up just then and sighs. “Crap, it’s getting dark. We should go back, don’t wanna be late for dinner.”

He can’t find it in himself to muster enough courage after that.

He wanted to kiss him in Jamaica.

But he didn’t.

***

The place with the neon pink sign that they can’t read is some kind of karaoke bar, they realize once they’ve crossed the street and lean up against the wall for a breather and immediately hear the distinct beginning of Get Low by Lil John and two, mildy-drunk sounding voices belting along into microphones.

“Oh my God.” Phil’s eyes are wide. “Do you think they know what this song means? Like, what they’re actually saying?”

Dan holds up a finger and they go quiet.

To the windowwwwww (to the windowwwww)

To the wall (to the wall)

Til the sweat drop down my balls

Til all these bitches crawl

“Definitely not.” Dan snorts, and Phil rests his head back against the wall to breathe out a disbelieving laugh as well.

“I mean… I guess it’s not hurting anyone.” Phil shrugs. “We sing anime theme songs all the time and we have no clue what they mean. For all we know they could be incredibly profane.”

“Yes, Phil. I’m sure the Attack on Titan theme tune is incredibly profane. Come on, you spork.” He pushes off the wall and walks off a few feet down the sidewalk, only to realize that Phil’s not following him.

“Uh, Phil?” He turns around, eyebrow raised when he sees Phil still standing against the wall. “Don’t you wanna go find something to do?”

Phil hesitates, seeming to ponder something for a moment before breaking out into a smile. He pushes off the wall and takes a few steps backwards towards the door to the bar, his eyes just the slightest bit challenging.

“I think we just did.”

***

He wants to kiss him in Italy.

Chris and PJ aren’t stupid. They nudge him, shoot him looks, strategically leave him and Phil alone multiple times a day with fully conspicuous parting winks.

And he won't do it. If he’s going to kiss Phil (which, admittedly, is feeling like more and more of a lost cause), it’s going to be on his terms. It’s going to be when he feels it’s right, not when their well-meaning but idiotic friends decide.

It actually does feel right at one point, when Phil’s chasing him in a tipsy, spontaneous game of tag while they’re alone. Phil catches him and he wants to spin around right then, crash their mouths together, let Phil know that he’s got him in more ways than one. Maybe it’s the alcohol, or adrenaline, or maybe he’s just damn fed up with not having Phil’s lips on his.

Probably a combination, to be honest. But mostly that last thing.

He spins and just like that, PJ and Chris come right up behind them.

Some God that he doesn’t believe in really wanted to fuck with him tonight.

They seem to realize that they’ve come upon something they shouldn’t have, but Phil catches sight of them too, and then the moment’s gone.

He wanted to kiss him in Italy.

But he didn’t.

***

Phil must be drunker than Dan previously thought, because the Phil Lester that he prides himself on knowing extremely well does not just get the spontaneous urge to saunter into a karaoke bar. Yet that’s exactly what he does, and Dan kind of has no choice except to follow him.

The air inside is thick and hot and noisy, with a couple fans whirring on either side of the bar and a floor setup of basic tables and chairs, some mismatched overstuffed armchairs against the far wall, and most importantly a small stage (more like a platform, really) all the way up at the front, complete with a karaoke setup of two mics and a screen that flashes song lyrics in bright, loud colors. Phil leads them to the only empty armchair at the edge of the room, conveniently wide enough for the two of them to squeeze into.

And Dan has to admit it’s pretty cool. The bar may be hot and crowded and loud but it’s entertaining. They hear some regular, innocent songs. They’re quite nice. But they also hear uncensored renditions of Pony by Ginuwine, The Real Slim Shady by Eminem, and a personal favorite of theirs, My Neck, My Back. They contain their laughter for the most part, meaning a lot of the time they’re red faced and shaking. The laughter gets harder to contain when they’re sent a free drink each from a couple older ladies at the bar.

They don’t really need to loosen up more than they already are, but they drink them anyway.

Of course, the best part of the whole thing is being pressed up so close to Phil. He’s warm and smells nice and Dan would very much like to kiss his rosy cheek, but he’s not quite uninhibited enough for that.

“Right, my ass is falling asleep, we can probably get walking around again.” Phil says when he stands up a while later with a stretch and a yawn. Dan follows, and just then the current song ends and the next karaoke slot opens up.

A seed of an idea plants itself in Dan’s mind, and he flashes Phil the same challenging look that Phil had aimed at him earlier. “Or, maybe not just yet.” He grins and pulls a shocked, protesting Phil up on stage. He’d be painfully too awkward to do this sober, but his head is swimming a bit, so he’s alright.

Phil is still looking incredibly alarmed as Dan sorts through the song selection, and it doesn’t take long for him to find the perfect one. He hits play and Phil pales when it starts up. Dan merely gives him a cheeky smirk and picks up his mic.

mmBaby can’t you see, I’m calling

A guy like you should wear a warning

It’s dangerous

I’m falling…

Your turn, he mouths to a Phil who now looks less terrified, more intrigued, and in a sudden show of bravery, grabs his own mic.

There’s no escape

I can’t wait

I need a hit

Baby, give me it

A loud cheer coming from somewhere around the bar puts what Dan could almost describe as a sultry smirk on Phil’s lips. Surely that’s not on purpose.

You’re dangerous

I’m loving it

It sends a rush of blood down in between his legs anyway. He breathes in deep, locks eyes with Phil and joins back in.

Too high, can’t come down

Losing my head, spinning round and round

...

...Do you feel me now?

***

He wants to kiss him in Orlando, Vegas, and LA.

He doesn’t even need an excuse as to why he won’t. More and more, they’ve been keeping some distance from each other. There’s pressure mounting. A rapidly growing fanbase, thousands and thousands of prying eyes.

Thousands and thousands of hopefuls wanting the things Phil said in that damn video to be true just as much as Dan does.

And just as much as he has to act like he doesn’t. The situation may not be that out of control, but he’s living in his own personal spiral of misery. Phil moves further and further out of his reach and it’s not supposed to bother him - hell, it’s partially his own fault.

He doesn’t know if it bothers Phil or not. They don’t talk about it. They still talk, all the time, about everything else. Just… not that. Never that.

He doesn’t hope at this point. Not the way he used to. He still wants, he still wants so bad that it hurts. All he can bring himself to hope for is that their on-camera life doesn’t bleed into their off-camera life more than it already has. He couldn’t handle it.

He wanted to kiss him in Orlando, Vegas and LA.

But he didn’t.

***

They’re giddy and nearly delirious when they stumble out of the bar later, courtesy of a couple more free drinks and the adrenaline from two encore performances after their smashing performance of Toxic.

“Fucking hell.” Dan laughs when they lean up against the outside wall again, right where they’d been leaning before. “That was…” He shakes his head and laughs again before gulping down as much fresh air as he can. “That was pretty fucking epic.”

“It was.” Phil agrees with the same type of laugh, wiping the sweat off of his brow. “We haven’t done karaoke in way too long.”

“We’ve never done karaoke, you dingus.” Dan snorts and bumps his shoulder weakly into Phil’s. “Rock Band doesn’t count as karaoke.”

Phil bumps his shoulder right back. “It does to me, you... you… rude person.”

Phil really isn’t good with the insults in his regular state. Drunk Phil’s insults, though, are simply laughable. “Ouch, Phil." He feigns hurt. "I might not ever recover from that absolute zinger.”

Without thinking, he grabs the shoulder of Phil’s jacket and starts to tug him along while Phil follows along with a weak retort of “your mum.”

He’s not sure how far they walk, arms and hands brushing and shoulders bumping and cheeks blushing, before they come upon a small, well-lit ice cream shop. Dan hadn’t even thought about ice cream, but now the light inside the shop may as well be a beacon of heaven.

They keep walking once they’ve got their cones, and Dan can’t hold back his satisfied groan when he takes his first lick and it instantly hits the spot. “God, why isn’t ice cream like, the most popular drunk food?” He asks around his next several licks. “It’s filling, it’s cold, it’s refreshing… it's literally perfect. We’ve been so blind.”

“It’s definitely better than those kebabs you used to slam with your uni mates after the club before stumbling back to my apartment.” Phil says with a shrug, occupied with his own cone.

Dan thinks that Phil’s teasing might be laced with a bit of fond nostalgia, but he could just be projecting. He has plenty of fond nostalgia over having an excuse to pass out in Phil’s bed, half on top of him a couple times a week. He also has some… slightly less fun memories of Phil nursing him back to health if he woke up particularly hungover.

“Hey, those were good times.” Dan defends, though he’s not referring to the kebabs or the clubbing or even his old uni mates. They walk further into the night, slurping their respective ice creams, and Dan lets himself wonder if Phil ever looks back on those times in the same way.

***

He wants to kiss him in London.

It’s not the first time they’ve been here. But it’s the most important.

It’s the start of something new. A huge step forward in their life, a big risk that they’re taking together, trusting each other to pull through.

There’s actual career advancement on the line. Actual grown-up shit. Actual jobs at the actual fucking BBC. They wouldn’t be here without each other, and he’s so happy. So grateful.

Now more than ever, he appreciates how much he's managed to change his life for the better since meeting Phil. How Phil's been there through everything, stuck by him at his absolute messiest. How he’s cared. So much. More than Dan’s ever imagined, more than he deserves.

They build a crappy wardrobe, and they're definitely a little too proud of themselves for it.

It’s right after that, lying side by side on the carpet next to the only piece of furniture that they currently own, that Dan feels that pull again. He feels it less these days, or maybe he just refuses to acknowledge it. It's hard for now, but he figures ignoring it will get easier at some point.

He’s just not there yet.

He wanted to kiss him in London.

But he didn’t.

***

“Stars are so pretty.” Phil sighs. “You know some of the stars we’re looking at right now are already dead? How crazy is that? They’re just… shiny little... beacons of death. So cute.”

“Oh my God, what are you even on about?” Dan mumbles as he rolls his head to the side. They’re both laying down on a bed of soft, slightly damp grass after happening on a quaint little park 15 or so minutes away from the ice cream shop. Conveniently so, as they were both just about dead on their feet.

They’ve been mostly silent, not talking, not touching. Dan gazes into the dark sky and listens to Phil’s deep, steady breathing. He feels like he’s floating, light and breezy in some space between his reality and a dream. It’s definitely not a bad way to be winding down. He checks the time on his phone. It’s nearly midnight.

“Hey Dan?” Phil’s voice pulls him back to the present after a pretty long while. “Have you got any idea where we are?”

Dan sighs softly in reply. “No clue,” he murmurs, resting a hand on his stomach and letting his eyes slide shut.

“Oh.”

Dan furrows his eyebrows when he hears a bit of an edge in Phil’s voice. It takes him a minute to catch on, but when he does, sits straight up so fast that his vision goes a little bit spinny.

“Oh.”

***

He wants to kiss him in Edinburgh, and New York too.

For no particular reason, except that he still wants to kiss him every-fucking-where they go. But he has plenty of reasons not to.

Firstly, they’re working.  They have a professional relationship now. It doesn’t outweigh their friendship by any means, but it’s there. It’s important. They’re coworkers.

And simply put, you don’t kiss your coworker. Doesn’t matter that you’ve been in love with him for three years.

They make a living off of being friends and nothing more than that. Any failed attempt at love now wouldn’t just put their friendship on the line, but their livelihood too.

Their life is good. He refuses to be the one to fuck it all up.

Secondly, kissing Phil has been off the table for a while, anyway.

Along with self expression, along with anything else that might hint at him being not-straight with a gay-as-hell crush on his best friend.

Not just off the table, even. More like fully out of the question. More like aggressively denied.

Some fans love him for it, lots of them hate him for it. He hates himself for it.

He doesn't really care. He only hopes that Phil doesn’t hate him for it.

He wanted to kiss him in Edinburgh, and New York too.

But he didn’t.

***

Trying to get their bearings and retrace their steps back to wherever the hell they’d come from is by far the least fun part of their night. In fact, it’s not fun at all.

Phil worries his bottom lip between his teeth when they pace across the field in what might or might not be the direction they came from. Dan drags his hands over his sweaty scalp and tugs lightly at his hair that’s almost certainly started to curl around the edges.

“I’m sorry, Dan.” Phil sighs after a while, copying Dan and anxiously fixing his own hair. “I really shouldn’t have made us come out tonight, you were right about getting lost.”

Dan frowns when he notes that Phil seems, well… genuinely upset. This has kind of been the most fun he’s had in… a pretty long time. He doesn’t like the idea of Phil regretting it, much less feeling guilty.

“Hey, I went along with it.” He insists. “It’s my fault too. We just need to… fuck, I don’t know, but this is the direction we came from, right? I’m almost positive.”

Phil stops abruptly. “It’s not.” He says quietly after a moment’s pause. “But… oh my God, look.”

Dan follows his gaze and feels his eyes widen when he sees just what Phil’s looking at.

“Holy shit.” He whispers. “Are we gonna…?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

***

He wants to kiss him in Cyprus.

It’s hard for him not to think about it around Bryony and Wirrow, because with them around it feels like a full-on couples vacation.

Which would be the cringiest middle-class white people thing they’ve probably ever done, if that were actually the case. It’s not, though. It’s not a couples vacation; it’s a couple vacationing with their two lanky, emo, painfully single best mates.

Still, his heart flutters when he watches Phil sip down his colorful, sugary cocktail at dinner, the sunset casting angular shadows over his face. Feels nothing but adoration watching him flail in an unsuccessful attempt to swat away the gigantic, pesky Cypriot bugs.

And to no one’s surprise, especially his own, he does nothing to act on it. Doesn’t even entertain it as a real possibility anymore. It hurts. But it's just a pipe dream now.

He wanted to kiss him in Cyprus.

But he didn’t.

***

Cherry blossoms at night might be the prettiest thing he’s ever seen.

Dan fancies himself a bit of a philosopher. Whether or not that notion actually holds any merit is a different story. Still, he’d like to think that all his hours spent facedown in his bed, at his desk, and mostly on the floor haven’t all been for nothing. He’d like to think that he’s formed some sort of coherent opinion on life - why he’s here, what he’s living for, what it all means in the grand scheme of things.

Really, he hasn’t. He waffles too much, he overthinks, and before he knows it he’s back to square one. But he’s learned a couple of things.

First and foremost, that sometimes it’s easier to think in metaphors, as long as they aren’t painfully contrived. Metaphors break things down into simpler terms, put things in perspective.

Cherry blossoms, he read somewhere at some point, are a metaphor. They bloom bright and beautiful when the time is right, and then two weeks later, all too soon, they fall to the ground. Much like existence, they are transient. Fragile. Gone possibly before you can find the time, the perspective, to marvel at them properly. But their fleeting nature doesn’t make them less beautiful when they’re in bloom. Far from it; they’re precious while they last.

Life, from the wholly optimistic perspective he rarely sees, can be the same.

But funnily enough, he’s not actually thinking of that right now.

He’s not actually thinking of much at all.

It’s hard to think, surrounded by so much light.

“I can’t believe we never knew about this.” Phil mumbles from beside him. He’s got his head turned up towards the tree that’s casting its soft pink glow down over and around them. “I totally would’ve forced you to get lost with me sooner.”

He’d almost forgotten not wanting to come out tonight in the first place. I’m glad you forced me out. He wants to say. I’m glad that I’m here with you. But when he turns to his side, Phil’s not standing next to him anymore.

Before he can even panic or call out to him, he spots Phil up ahead just a bit, ambling along among some of the trees that lead down to a nearby river. He’s looking up still, clearly caught up in the ethereal view - seeing the trees lit up, seemingly on their own in the dark, does look kind of like magic. They could be checkpoints in a fantasy rpg, Phil would probably say. Or something of the sort - Dan can always ask him later what’s going on in his mind. Something interesting and strange, he's sure, because Phil’s like that.

He shoves his hands into his pockets and walks up ahead himself, following Phil from a few feet behind. He has a tendency to lose Phil like this - on the street, in parks, in train stations, when he’s zoned out in his own private Phil world. It’s either endearing or incredibly frustrating, depending on the situation. Right now, it’s definitely endearing.

And it's always kind of funny to see how and when Phil comes back to reality, how he fumbles to regain his bearings and is always startled at himself for having spaced out so long.

Well, this time it’s actually not very long. Phil’s only been walking for about a minute before he trips, stumbling forward a few steps, then righting himself and turning his head to the side, confused. Dan knows it’s because Phil was assuming Dan to be next to him this entire time.

“Smooth.” He remarks with a snicker, coming up on Phil’s other side. “That’s what happens when you’re staring at the trees and not watching where you’re going.”

Phil turns with a startled jump before his face falls into a frown. “You were supposed to be next to me!” He complains. “You could’ve warned me I was about to trip on something.”

“You tripped over nothing.” Dan remarks when he looks down at the ground and sees nothing in the immediate vicinity that Phil could’ve tripped on. “Double smooth.”

“I hate you.” Phil grumbles. “And you’ve got petals in your hair.”

Dan’s cheeks heat up against his will when Phil reaches up and plucks them out. They heat up even more when he smooths his hair back into place for him. They’re on fire when Phil’s hand lingers for a second before he drops it back down to his side, resuming his walking with Dan actually next to him this time.

“The trees don’t even look real, right?” Phil asks, glancing up at them again, briefly and with much more caution this time. “I feel like some NPC from a fantasy game should be living inside.”

Dan has to bite back a grin. Okay, an NPC, not a checkpoint, but still. That psychic connection that their audience, friends and family accuse them of having really is uncanny at times.

“I could see that.”

They stop walking when they reach the edge of the river. There’s a bridge about 20 feet away from them that crosses over and leads to more cherry blossom trees on the other side, but they stay put, watching the lanterns that float along in the water.

When he looks at Phil, he sees the river reflected in his eyes and the warm pink light shining behind him and realizes that actually, the cherry blossoms are only the second prettiest thing he’s ever seen.

He feels something click into place.

“Phil.” He sighs. 

He doesn’t know what he’s doing now besides chasing whatever feeling, whatever tug, whatever heat, whatever rush of courage he’s got washing over him, cementing his resolve. Whether he likes it or not, he’s not backing out this time.

There’s a storm of emotion looming very close in the distance. It’ll remain unnamed and indiscernible until he reaches his outcome here. Right now it’s only adrenaline, his racing heart and sweaty palms tell him as much.

He swallows down the lump in his throat.

“Phil.” He repeats in a slightly steadier tone of voice. “I need to tell you something, I—”

He turns to Phil and immediately can’t finish his sentence. He’s cut off when Phil’s lips are suddenly pressed against his own.

He freezes, his mouth slack and his arms hanging dumbly at his sides while his brain races to catch up with what the fuck is actually happening. Phil’s kissing him. Phil’s right here, right in front of him, he’s cupping his face and kissing him.

The delayed realization hits him like a freight train. His eyes slip shut and suddenly he’s a live wire, hot and electric from his head down to the tips of his toes and his inner voice screams KISS HIM, KISS HIM, KISS HIM BACK YOU IDIOT.

Phil pulls away before he can and Dan can’t breathe. He can’t even bring himself to open his eyes until a few seconds later. He waits for his vision to refocus and then locks eyes with Phil.

Phil’s taken several steps back from him, eyes wide and his expression utterly terrified, color drained out of his cheeks and both hands clasped tightly over his mouth.

“Oh my god, Dan.” His voice is muffled by his hands but Dan can still hear how shaky it is. “I’m so sorry, I’m— I shouldn’t have— I don’t know what—”

Phil, he realizes, is apologizing. Apologizing for kissing him. He feels his heart plunge all the way down to his feet and back up because Phil’s apologizing for kissing him and that’s fully unacceptable. His body feels like it’s running on autopilot when he surges forward, tugging Phil’s hands away from his mouth and just barely registering the desperation in his eyes before he grabs his face and kisses him again.

He kisses him hard and Phil’s reaction speed is far better than Dan’s because he kisses him back immediately, heated and urgent and impassioned.

They break apart technically sooner than Dan would like, but as far as he’s concerned, they now have more pressing matters to attend to.

“Phil.” He rasps, knowing that his pupils are surely blown as big and dark as Phil’s when he looks into them. “We need to get back to the hotel. Right fucking now.”

*

In the end, it's a matter of swallowing their pride and stumbling through a half-coherent conversation with a very patient park-goer, who does eventually understand what the hell they're trying to say and points them in the right direction.

Actually getting back to the hotel is a blur.

What's not a blur is the fact that Phil's mouth is on his again before the door's even closed behind him. That’s when everything turns crystal clear. His whole body’s on fire when they fall in a mess of tangled limbs onto the bed, kicking off shoes and wrestling each other out of clothes.

He straddles Phil once they’re both down to just their pants, their bodies pressing tight together when he leans down and slots their mouths together again

It's not quite the tender, romantic confession that Dan had been planning on.

But it turns out that he’s just as fine with words and half-sentences spoken in haste when they’re panting hot and heavy against each other’s mouths.

Phil scratches his nails lightly down Dan’s back and Dan tells him he wants him, wants him so bad. Phil flips them over and presses him into the mattress and latches his mouth onto the warm, sensitive skin of Dan’s neck and murmurs between hot open mouthed kisses all over that he wants him too, so so much, that he’s wanted this forever, since before they even met.

Dan feels like he could cry.

But he settles instead for an obscene moan when Phil kisses him roughly and slots their legs together and grinds his hips down and Dan notices that he’s just as painfully hard as him.

“Phil, please.” He whispers into one more kiss before Phil latches onto his neck again. Phil really doesn’t hold back, nipping and sucking and biting and there’s no way that Dan’s coming out of this without any hickeys but that’s fine. He wants to be marked. He waits for Phil to pull back a bit before reaching down in between them, hastily pushing down both of their waistbands so that Phil’s hard length is rutting against his and his precum smears onto Dan’s belly.

He feels the blood thrumming hot and fast though his veins, up and down his entire body with every hammering heartbeat. All he registers is Phil’s hot breath against his neck and chest and the sound of skin on skin and the white hot sparks of pleasure that start in his groin and travel all the way down to the tips of his fingers and toes.

“I’m… close.” He moans through gritted teeth when he feels his balls drawing up tight, wrapping one leg around Phil’s waist for leverage and meeting each thrust with his own. His squeeze shut and he sees stars and muffles his moan against Phil’s shoulder when he spills hot and fast in between their bodies. Phil’s hips stutter and he follows right after, and Dan kisses him and clings to him while he rides it out and then promptly collapses on top of him.

For a while there are no words. Just slow, deep breaths and tiny kisses pressed into any available bit of salty skin before Phil finally finds the strength to roll off to the side and halfheartedly clean them both up with the corner of the bedsheet.

They lay side by side, flat on their backs, chests flushed and bodies shimmering with a thin gleam of sweat and then at the same time, turn their heads to face each other and burst into disbelieving laughter.

“Oh my God. Jesus fucking Christ.” Dan manages, tucking his body up against Phil’s side and laying his head on his shoulder. “We actually just did that.”

“We did.” Phil sighs, and reaches over to grab Dan’s hand resting on his chest and lace their fingers together. “We should, uh. Probably talk.”

“In a minute.” Dan whispers.

When they do get to talking, the words exchanged are balm to a burn that’s been scarring Dan’s soul for so many years, for far too long. They talk late into the night, confessions and jokes and apologies and every way of saying I love you without actually speaking the three words, until they both can’t keep their eyes open any more.

They fall asleep tangled up in each other. For the first time in six years, Dan finally rests easy.

*

“Don’t wanna go home.” Dan mumbles, stretched out on his belly with his face mushed into his pillow the next morning. The sun streaming in from between the curtains is an unwelcome presence as far as he’s concerned. Phil runs his fingers lightly up and down Dan’s spine, pauses to rub between his shoulderblades, and taps on his cheek until Dan turns his head and lets himself be kissed.

“I know.” Phil sighs, burrowing closer and nudging his nose against Dan’s. “Me neither.”

It seems unfair, really, that they’re being pushed right back into their everyday grind when they’ve only just made such an amazing, dream-come-true level discovery. They need to go back to England, go back to work. And going back to work means… well, hiding in the closet. The idea of it leaves a bad taste in his mouth.

“Nothing has to change.” Phil tells him, as if he’s read Dan’s mind. “I want you back home just as much as I want you here. We’ll…” He sighs, because he surely knows they’re not in for an easy ride. “I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. I’ll do whatever if you will too.”

“I’ll do whatever.” Dan answers without hesitation, melting into the warm kiss that Phil presses against his mouth. “Definitely.”

Hours later, he falls asleep next to Phil on the plane, letting his head rest against his shoulder with a final, half-conscious thought that sends a burst of warmth blooming throughout his chest.

He wanted to kiss him in Japan.

So he did.

this fic was prompted/inspired by lost in japan by shawn mendes.

also if you don't know what nighttime cherry blossom viewing looks like, look here because it's very very pretty and you can imagine how it might inspire one to finally kiss their crush of 6 years (inspo for the trees in this fic drawn mainly from #3 on the list)

thanks for reading!

#phan #phanfiction #phanfic #fics #* #*100

[mechadress]

Saw a literary challenge to write about one of your average days in quarantine. They picked Tuesday May 12th. Since all of my days keep blending together, I thought it would help me set a benchmark for how I handled quarantine. So here it is-

May 12th 2020,

My alarm goes off at 7am. I roll over to turn it off and promptly go back to sleep. This was a normal practice even before the world shut down. I don't have set hours at work, but I prefer to start around 8am. Since my work computer is only across the apartment, the motivation to wake up before I absolutely have to is extremely low.

8am rolls around and I can't bring myself to leave the bed yet. It all seems so pointless as no one seems to care what hours I keep and I don't have any early morning meetings. I scroll through Facebook and Tumblr on my phone, I check my email more times than I really need to, and pet whichever cat is closest, usually Sierra. I find a post from a page that I follow that talks about Victorian parlor games and I share it to the Steampunk group I administer. There hasn't been much content in the group for awhile. I wonder if it's because steampunk isn't as popular as it once was or if no one has anything to say. It gets a few likes and one 'Care' emoji. I think it's because it indicates that people miss hanging out together.

Around 8:15 I need to use the toilet, which is enough to get me out of bed and sign into my work computer. CY yells out from his work station at the living room table to remind me to buy the camper table and a spray bottle he wanted for grilling. I order them from Amazon and feel guilty about getting nonessential items in the middle of a pandemic. I spend the first few hours of work scrolling through FB or Tumblr and knitting. While I knit I watch an hour and half long youtube video from ContraPoints about different types of second-hand embarrassment or 'cringe'. I identify a lot with what she says.

I am knitting a pair of socks simply because I have the yarn and I've never done it before. I tested out the gauge to make sure I had the right sized needles and I do. They are long dpns that were given to me by CY's mother once she realized I enjoyed knitting. Apparently she used to knit as well, but it would hurt her hands so she gave up on it. I had tried to use the dpns as intended, even looking up a video and practicing a few times, but I kept dropping stitches and getting annoyed with them. I eventually decided to order a circular needle from Amazon to use instead. I felt very guilty about this since there's all sorts of post-people and delivery people out there who are at risk moving all these boxes around, and here I'm ordering a stupid pair of needles that are a duplicate size to ones I own, but I just don't want to use. The circular needles are extremely nice and easy to work with and it is a pleasure to knit the socks. I still use the dpns as a stitch holder while I knit the heel. Today I'm connecting the insole and knitting along the foot. It's easy and enjoyable work especially after already completing the first sock.

I eat a prepackaged ube cake while I drink my tea and appreciate the nice pairing of flavors.

I feel bad about not getting more of my actual work done. However, I can't bring myself to concentrate on anything related to work. I keep moving my mouse around every 10 or so minutes so it looks like I'm active.

An old D&D friend of mine named Sam posts on FB about how he is proud of his company for continuing to let people work from home despite Ohio loosening some of the Stay at Home restrictions. I reply "We were told to expect to work from home until at least August. I'm grateful since it's one less thing to think about." Sam and I go back a forth a bit more, expressing gratitude and an interest in meeting up again once its safe. It's the first I've interacted with him in about 5 years and it makes me glad to hear from him.

I start lunch early because I don't have anything better to do. For lunch I make myself and CY a sandwich. We have some really good Italian bread we got from the grocery store that we can make into a decent replica of a Philadelphia style hoagie. I already chopped up the veggies so I can just take them out of the fridge and start layering them on. CY likes his sandwich with mayo and turkey. I don't like handling either of those things, but it's easy enough. I make his first then make a veggie version for myself. We use the new hoagie oil which isn't as bad as I had originally feared, but it isn't as good as the name brand one we had before. Pity they were out of it at the store when we went.

My 2019 tax refund from Ohio lands into my investment account. I plan to use it to invest in assorted stocks I feel will bounce back once the economy recovers.

After lunch I watch a few more youtube videos while I knit. One is a career review of the one-hit wonder band 'Living in a Box' and another is a recording of 'the world's worst singer' Florence Foster Jenkins. I had found an article that talked about people who had a medical condition which made them unable to percieve how poorly they performed a skill. In her case, she was a renowned as a very poor singer who believed she was very good and people would come to watch her ironically. I try to watch a congressional hearing where they discuss the health crisis with Dr. Fauci, but it's too depressing so I stop.

My anxiety related to work continues to grow. I figure that I'm not able to bring myself to do any investigation on my own, but I'm still able to ask people questions. I reach out through Skype to a colleague who I believe had worked with this business group before. I am surprised by how helpful she is and how quickly she is to respond. We get on a call and she shows me some reporting she did that is similar and directs me towards a table she thinks would have the values I'm looking for. She recommends another colleague to talk to and I schedule a meeting with him for the next day since he was busying for the rest of today. I feel instantly better. My anxiety about my work plummets and I find the energy and motivation to start investigating another task I've been given. I quickly find 1) the task was way easier than I initially estimated and 2) the data I want isn't available where I thought it would be. I even find out a new way to pull code out of Tableau and I excitedly share my discovery with another colleague. Around this time it's getting close to 4pm, my usual time to stop working and just become available for questions, should anyone need to reach out to me. I feel better about myself and allow myself to take more pleasure in my activities.

I start to prepare for the online D&D game I host each week, Tuesdays at 7:30pm. One of my favorite things about quarantine is that it's given me the time and ability to play again. I've missed having a regular D&D game badly. We had a very good game the previous week and I'm excited to make new material for this new game. I decide to include a villain who is a Banksia Man, one of the anatognists from the Australian fairy-tale Snugglepot and Cuddlepie. CY had helped me over the weekend come up with a cool backstory for him. I take notes and save some pictures so I can display them to my players through screen share.

A group of our friends are doing a Plank Challenge while we try to stay in shape while in quarantine. Colette set up a FB group with a list of exercises to do for 13 days. Each day, you do your assigned exercise then you post to the group to indicate you completed your day's tasks. CY and I made a point to work out for a bit each day after work and were already doing a fair amount of planks so the challenge as it was written was too easy for us. We tend to double the amount of time for each exercise or we double up the reps. My tasks for today are 30 seconds each of planks, rocking planks, hip dips, and up downs. I do all the exercises straight through twice with a short break in between sets then post to FB in the group.

After doing planks, CY and I go out to a nearby park to walk for a bit. We go for about 2.5 miles. It's a nice day, nearly 60 degrees. I am happy to see wild flowers starting to sprout up and the leaves coming back to the trees. Most people in the park are polite and keep their distance. It's rare to see people wearing masks while they are walking or running, so it almost feels normal.

We make it back with enough time for me to start getting my notes ready for game. CY offers to make me food and asks what I'd like to eat. We had just gone to Trader Joe's the weekend before and gotten a truly ridiculous amount of frozen food. He insists I pick something from the freezer to eat. In the end we decide he'll cut up the jackfruit crab cakes and make them into 'seafood tacos'. He even makes some sriracha ranch to go with it. The crab cake is surprisingly greasy, but it's very tasty and filling. Not sure I'd get it again though.

I go into the gaming group call and we quickly realize that only Gene and Aaron are going to be able to join game. We don't think it will be enough to continue the campaign I prepared for so I offer to do a one-shot just for them. I show them a cute rpg I found awhile ago called 'Fuck! It's Dracula' and we give it a shot. We have fun but I feel a bit unprepared since I have to ab lib most of the plot and come up with secret plans on the fly so they can be betrayed by their NPCs. The game is much shorter than I initially anticipated and we finish up around 9:30pm, much earlier than normal. I don't feel like Aaron and Gene enjoyed this game as much as they would have enjoyed the larger campaign I made, but at least we got to play together for a bit. I appreciate the social contact at the very least.

We dismiss ourselves from game and I join CY on the couch. He is watching some cooking tutorial videos, trying to teach himself how to smoke brisket properly. I go back and forth between different apps on my phone, not really paying attention to the TV. I try to read for a bit, but we eventually settle down to sleep before I get very far. I feel good about how the day went and I'm proud of myself for getting work done on the sock and researching my projects. I feel better about my life than I did when I first woke up this morning.

#journal writing #quarantine #may 2020

[cryptidwizard]

Okay, I got one: Mikey and April doing a slumber party. Shenanigans.

okay so i actually tried writing this a few times when i was without my computer for two months but then completely forgot about it. i’m sorry for the wait and hope it was worth it. fic under the cut! tumblr is fucky and didn’t space it correctly so heres an ao3 link

April lovedher new friends, how could she not? They had saved her life, helped her findher father, taught her to protect herself, trained her as one of their own,befriended her in a time she had felt so alone, and became family to them. Theywere a little strange sure, but they were her’s. Leonardo was like a loveableolder brother, sort of nerdy but a welcome and reassuring presence. Raphael wasan enthusiastic and passionate brother, a little intense but a great sparringpartner. Donatello was smart, a genius even, sure she didn’t return hisfeelings and saw him more as family, but she still cared about him. (Besidesshe was still struggling to deal with her crush on her best friend Irma.)Michelangelo however, she felt closest to. He was fun and like a ray ofsunshine despite the darkness of the sewers. He was talented and the sweetyounger brother you always wanted to have, mischief and pranks aside. So, whenMikey had nervously asked her if she wanted to have a sleepover with him likepeople always did in tv shows he’d watch, she jumped at the chance, grinningwildly. So, Aprilhad told her father she was sleeping over at a friend’s house, loaded down withsome face masks and other fun sleepover supplies (nontoxic to mutant turtles ofcourse, she had done her own research and had asked Donnie to make sure). Sure,she had gone all out but this was Mikey, he was like a baby brother and he hadnever had a human friend or a sleepover. So, it became April’s mission to makethis the best sleepover ever. The turtles had offered to meet her and walk herto the lair, but she insisted she was okay, feeling confident with her weaponof choice the Tessan and a large can of pepper spray. After ashort trip through the sewers she arrived in the abandoned subway station,leaping over the turnstiles. April knew the others already knew she was here,from Donnie’s security cameras no doubt. Her suspicions were confirmed when anexcited shriek of “APRIL!!” sounded the room and she was pulled into anenthusiastic hug. She laughed and returned the hug, jeez she had gotten a lotstronger since training to be a kunoichi but wow the turtles were strong. “Hi Mikey! Are you prepared for your first and best sleepover ever?” She asked,faking a serious tone as her grinning companion released her from his hug trap.“Hell yeah I am!” Mikey shouted, barely containing his excitement.An annoyed “Language.” came from beloved stick in the mud older brother Leofrom the kitchen. April and Mikey exchanged looks, muffling their giggles. “Right sorry, I meant shell yeah I am!” He shouted again. April snorted atMikey’s attempt to recover from cursing. He took her hand and enthusiasticallylead her to his room, she waved to Leo as they passed by the kitchen, havingalready briefed the three brothers and Sensei on her sleepover plans.April letout a low and impressed whistle upon seeing Mikey’s room, he had cleaned up forher, aww. There were no left-over pizza slices or boxes left around! MasterSplinter couldn’t even get Mikey to clean his room, she kind of felt honored. The orange mask clad turtle noticed her expression and grinned, pretty proud ofhimself, “I know right? That’s how hyped I am.” April snickered and pulled outher duffle bag which had been filled to the brim with fun sleepover things todo, sure it was kind of middle school of her but hey Mikey has never done thisbefore, so she was pulling out all the stops. “Okay so I know you like makeup and pretty stuff like that, so I grabbed someof my makeup kits from when I was younger and some stuff Irma left at my house.I also got facemasks and nail polish along with some of those sleepover gamesmy dad got for me to get to know my friends with. Sound good?” She asked,pulling out some of the supplies, sure she wasn’t that into makeup and all thatbut upon seeing the amount of excited emojis Mikey had sent upon hearing shehad stuff like that in the group chat she just had to bring some. Mikey openedhis mouth to ask a question, but April beat him to it, “And yeah everything is mutantturtle safe I already asked Donnie about it, we don’t want your skin gettingfucky again.” Mikey nodded satisfied with the answer, shuddering at the thoughtof his shellacne.He brightened again, “Sounds awesome! Let’s do this!” April grinned and the funbegan. They put on some cheesy movie Mikey had rented, vowing to watch the actionflick that April had brought afterwards. She was now demonstrating how to paintnails on Mikey’s, thankfully since he had less fingers than she did it got donefaster. When April had asked what colors Mikey answered, blue, red, and purple.She arched an eyebrow at him, a smile on her face, it was no wonder why he hadchosen those colors. Mikey grinned, “Okay they’reaesthetically pleasing colors but I also love my dumb brothers.” He retorted,pretending to pout but not bothering to fully mask his smile. April rolled hereyes with a grin and finished up painting his nails. “Whatdya think?” She asked, she wasn’t the best with painting nails, but shehad nail polish remover packed and cleaned up her mistakes. Michelangelo beamed, “Oooh fancy I approve.” He said in a fake haughty tone ofvoice. April snickered and moved on to his toes, “Once they dry you can do mine if youwant.” She offered, Mikey nodded excitedly. After finishing she held out herhand for her friend to paint, trusting him to do a good job since he was themost artistic of the turtles after all. (Besides she would’ve let him do iteven if he couldn’t paint for shit.) “What colordyou want?” He asked. April thought for a moment and shrugged, “Surprise me.” Mikey grinned and gotto work as April turned her attention back towards the movie, assuring Mikeyshe wouldn’t peak. An enthusiastic “Ta-da!” distracted her from the movie, shelooked down at her nails. She smiled softly, her heart effectively warmed. Thecolors Mikey had chosen were blue, red, purple, orange, and yellow. Judgingfrom the turtle’s expression and her regular outfit, yellow represented her. “Y’know cause you’re like an honorary Hamato now…” He said softly, Aprilblinked rapidly, a grin spreading across her face. “I love it.” She said pulling him into a hug.Mikey giggled, “Hey c’mon don’t mess up my nails!” He complained, obviouslyjoking. The girl began to laugh, “You sound like Irma.” Mikey began to paint her toes when his grin became catlike, “Ooh Irma huh? Is she the goth girl you arealways making goo-goo eyes at whenever we were shadowing you to make sure youwere safe from the Kraang?” He asked, a smug tone in his voice as if he alreadyknew the answer. April’s face reddened, and she resisted the instinctive urgeto kick her friend in the face and bolt.“W-what?! No!” She exclaimed, hiding her flushed face with her still dryinghands.Mikey made a pouting noise sounding like a kicked puppy, “C’mon Apriillllllll,you’re a Hamato nowwww you gotta tell me, your sweet innocent baby brother.” Heprotested. April sent a mock glare at him, jeez now she knew why Mikey had hisolder brothers wrapped around his finger.She sighed, “Okay one, pulling the family card like that is cold. Two, you areanything but innocent. Three, stop grinning like that. Four, y-yeah that’s her…She’s so cute Mikey you don’t understand!”He finished painting her toes looking satisfied with his handiwork before leaningin close, “Tell me everything.” He replied, a serious expression on his face,poorly masking his smug grin.After a long-winded explanation of just how pretty Irma’s eyes were and abouthow they met, and Irma’s kissable lips April let out a loud groan. “I’m so gayMikester, I don’t even know my sexuality yet but I’m so gay.”Mikey giggled, bumping her shoulder reassuringly with his, “Don’t worry aboutit, Leo practically has a heart attack every time he sees a cute boy on patroland he still claims he’s straight. You’ll figure it out.” He reassured. April looked up at him from where he was doing her makeup, armed with aneyeshadow brush. “How’d you get so wise?”“I took a bunch of quizzes on BuzzFeed, I’m pan ace. Close your eyes.” Hereplied, she complied and closed her eyes, wrinkling her nose as she felt thepowder tickle her eyelids. After he finished she looked up again, “Huh, cool. I had no idea.” Mikey grinned, posing almost dramatically, added with the fact she had alreadydone his makeup he looked pretty great. “Of course you didn’t, I’m like anonion. I got layers.” He replied, struggling to keep a serious expression onhis face.April groaned loudly, “You did. Not. Just quote Shrek. Mikey no stop laughingI’m gonna pepper spray you.” She said deadpan, both knowing she was joking.Mikey stuck a defiant tongue out at her. He brightened, “Wait I just had two, (2) great ideas. First, you take someselfies and send them to Irma. And second, we water balloon my poorunsuspecting brothers.”April grinned widely, “Let’s do it.”After taking some pictures together and a few of just themselves April sentsome to Irma. They then loaded up on water balloons, Mikey already having abunch prefilled. She didn’t ask why, he was Doctor Prankenstein after all. Theysnuck out into the lair, keeping their feet light with ease given they both hadsome degree of ninja training. Raph was in the dojo practicing getting out someenergy, Donnie was in the lab, Leo was in the kitchen making tea. “Okay, to get away with an assault of this scale all at once we gotta getDonnie first, he might help since you are on my side. Then we gotta get Raphand we have to flip him, he’ll be so impressed he won’t yell. Then we get Leo,he’ll be expecting my attack with big bro instincts so you gotta get him withyours.” Mikey informed just above a whisper, April nodded seriously. They entered the lab, Donnie was working on something by the algae pool. Theduo had entered via the garage entrance rather than the clunky metal door of thelair hoping to not alert Donnie. He didn’t look up, “Oh hey Mikey I’m justcollecting some sampl- “Donatello began to say before being interrupted by awater balloon colliding with his shell, surprising him and sending him tumblinginto the pool. April let out a startled and soft laugh,“Sorry Don, do us a favor and don’t tell?” She asked, pulling him from thepool. Donnie looked bewildered and was dripping wet, he grabbed a towel from adesk, having fallen in the pool before. He opened his mouth as if to complain before catching a glimpse of the pleadingand gleeful look on April’s face before shutting it and sighing, “Okay but onlyif you are getting Raph too.”Mikey grinned wickedly, “Of course.” They slipped into the dojo, Raph was jamming out to some loud rock music withhis earbuds and hadn’t heard them come in. They gave two quick thumbs up toDonnie who was waiting in the living room with an exasperated expression. Mikeynodded to April wordlessly saying it was her turn and she pulled back and flungthe water balloon to Raph’s shell. Before he had time to react they rushedforward and grabbed both of his arms, Mikey’s leg slipping out and trippingRaph’s using the momentum to flip him over both of their shoulders. He lookedup at them stunned, taking out his earbuds. “…Nice shot.” He said surprised.Mikey and April grinned and high-fived.Last was Leo, but he was going to be the most difficult. Mikey had complainedin the past that Leo had some crazy way of telling every time he was going topull a prank, he’d bested him before but never all three of his brothers in onenight. With April’s help he was going down. Leo was sipping his tea, his Space Heroes marathon just ended so now he wasrelaxing. He swore he heard something, he frowned, narrowing his eyes andunconsciously slipped into a defensive stance. A water balloon whizzed towardshim, he dodged narrowly, it splattering on the wall behind him. “Mikeeeeeeey.” He said in his annoying big brother tone. Suddenly a waterballoon came from the ceiling and landed dead center on his plastron. He made asurprised noise as April and Mikey leaped down from the rafters they hadclimbed in order to get the drop on him, both incredibly proud of themselves.“How- how did you?” He began to ask, slightly incredulous and a littleimpressed. “We’ll never tell! Just another shocking attack by the hands of DoctorPrankenstein and Lady Pranksalot!” Mikey yelled loudly, a wide and satisfiedgrin on his face. April giggled, struggling not to burst into laughter. Donnieand Raph filed in, both still damp before pulling out a pizza from the fridgeand placing it in the microwave.Leo sighed, a fondly exasperated look on his face. “Nice job enlisting April inyour plan.” He scanned their smug faces for a second before frowning inconfusion. “Are… Are you both wearing makeup?” He asked.Mikey and April nodded, “Yeah bro makeovers are a huge part of sleepovers, duh.”Mikey replied, stealing a spare slice of pizza that had just been removed fromthe microwave, not caring the cheese slightly burned his fingers.Leo thought for a moment, “Can… Can you do mine?” The Hamatos sans Splinter who retired to bed early were all lounging on thecouch, wearing facemasks having removed their makeup after plenty ofshenanigans. April and Mikey wordlessly fist bumped, satisfied that they haddragged the others into their fun. Raph grumbled, “I can’t believe you both talked me into this.”Donnie who was blowing on his freshly painted nails to dry them looked over athim, rolling his eyes. “Raph please the second Mikey said facemasks youinsisted on trying some out. Your skincare routine is almost as intense as Leo’s.”The turtle in question made an offended noise at the teasing of his skincare.April snickered, normally she dreaded this kind of thing and avoided sleepoverswhenever possible but with the turtles she didn’t mind and if it meant spendingtime with them all aside from missions and training she’d jump at the chance todo it again. She sighed contently, feeling at home in the abandoned subwaystation of all places surrounded by the mutants who had become her family. 

#tmnt #tmnt 2012 #tmnt april #tmnt mikey #tmnt leo #tmnt donnie #tmnt raph #family nonsense #april o neil #tmnt irma #bonding #sleepovers #shut up dirk #shut up leo #my writing #fic

[bvckystxn]

I Trust You - Bucky x Reader

Disclaimer: GIF isn’t mine, but Tumblr wasn’t working properly so i had to get it off google. All rights go to the creator.

A/N: This wasn’t a request, but an idea I’ve been playing around with in my head. It’s also my first piece of fanfiction in years so I hope it’s decent. Basically, the reader finds Bucky while the Avengers are fighting Ultron in Sokovia.

Word count: 2879

Warnings: one or two swear words.

The Tower was empty and quiet, which was unsurprising as the Avengers had gone off to Sokovia to battle Ultron. I had even begun to miss Steve and Tony’s constant bickering, which was odd as they had only left earlier that day.

I thought I’d be happy to have the Tower to myself, but with my sprained wrist there was only so much I could do. It was safe to say that I was already bored, I had started to walk down random hallways aimlessly.

Around a year ago, when Steve found out that his old friend Bucky Barnes was still alive, he was a victim, a tool for Hydra to use. But after the big clash between Hydra and SHIELD Steve told me Bucky had disappeared. It was just as if  he had dropped off the face of the earth. I promised him I would help him look.

I remembered my promise as I walked past Steve’s room. It’ll give me something to do. I thought as I laid my hand on the cold frame of the steel door and slowly pushed it open.

Steve always kept his room neat and tidy, which marvelled me as mine was always in disarray. I was constantly scolded about this, mainly by Steve, but I was repeatedly running late so I threw items of clothing around in order to find one specific top. Strangely, no one thought this was a good excuse.

I stood in the doorway for a moment, debating whether or not to actually invade Steve’s privacy by using his computer.

Steve was not only old-fashioned, but also naïve when it came to technology. This made my life easier as now I wouldn’t have to sit behind his desk for an eternity, guessing at his password.

I would have felt more at ease if I had been in my own room, using my own computer. But Steve wanted for this private mission of his to be kept on the down-low, so his was the only computer currently tracking down James Buchanan Barnes.

After Natasha released all of SHIELD’s files on Hydra to the public Steve’s system had picked up on several people saying that they had spotted the Winter Soldier shopping for groceries.

Steve now ignored all of these as every single one he had acted upon in the past had turned out to be a cry for attention from the internet.

I ran several different algorithms, searching for mentions of Bucky in the news, facial recognition, cardholder names etc. As per usual, nothing came up. I leaned back in Steve’s chair and drummed my fingers on the wooden surface of his desk.

Out of boredom I moved the mouse over to the section that would scan the internet for any and all mentions of Bucky, and clicked it. All of this was basically white noise. One post said that the Winter Soldier was showing off his moves in a ski resort in Italy and another said he was working out in some gym in Florida.

I let out a large puff of air as I kept scrolling through all of the posts, each one more ludicrous than the last one had been. Bucky was obviously hiding, he would never be at a ski resort or sunbathing in the Caribbean. How daft were some people, honestly? Sunbathing you did shirtless and if this guy did not have a metal arm, how could he possibly have been Bucky Barnes?

As I was about to close the program a picture caught my eye. Hardly any of the other people’s posts featured images, and on the rare occasion when they did they were very poorly photoshopped.

I enlarged the picture which portrayed Bucky across the road from where the photo had been taken. There were cars blocking my view of most of his body and he was wearing a baseball cap, but he still looked like the Bucky I had seen in pictures and vaguely remembered from DC.

To make sure I pushed myself up and looked around Steve’s room. I spotted a picture frame sitting on a shelf with an old photo of him and Bucky in it. I picked it up and carried it over to the desk to compare the two. I squinted and tried looking at it from different angles, but in the end I decided that this might actually be something worth checking out.

The two images were still very different; in Steve’s picture his friend seemed happy and full of life, and in the other one he just appeared tired and there was some other type of sadness that his eyes betrayed. However, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, I hadn’t seen anyone with that kind of look in their eyes before.

As I fished my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans I swiftly ran my eyes over the comment that went along with the image, which mentioned something about a location.

“Steve!” I breathed into my phone’s microphone after it had stopped ringing.

Steve’s voicemail started to sound in my ear. “Cap, are you kidding? The one time I need you?”

I hung up without leaving a message and quickly sent myself a link to the post before I shut down the computer.

I pushed the chair back from the desk and darted down the hallway, to my own room. I essentially flung myself to my knees and reached a hand under my bed.

Part of my training had been to always be prepared to run. I had taken that to heart  and purchased a basic duffel bag, which was now filled with principle essentials for travel.

“FRIDAY?” I asked, addressing Tony’s bodiless assistant.

“What can I help you with, Miss Y/N?”

“I’m sending you a picture of a man in Bucharest, Romania. Can you use the security cameras in the city to track him and figure out where he’s staying?”

“Of course, Miss Y/N.” FRIDAY replied.

I made my way to the garage, got into one of the standard black cars and started to drive in the direction of the airport.

Bucky was Steve’s friend, I knew that. I didn’t know him. I had only seen him once, when Hydra attacked SHIELD in Washington. But the Avengers were fighting in Ultron in Sokovia and I hated missing out on action. On top of that, when Steve would return and find out that I had come across an actual solid lead for the first time and just let it go, he would have my head for that.

I got on the first flight to London and got a connecting flight from there to Bucharest. Everything was taking too long for my liking, but as I had not properly completed my training yet I was not able to fly one of the jets directly to Romania.

I checked into the hotel I had booked during my layover in London very early in the morning and just crashed on top of the bed. Sleep seized me in an in instant as I was incapable of sleeping on planes and thus exhausted.

The hotel hadn’t provided many options for breakfast at all and the coffee was a disgusting watery liquid. I don’t know why I had expected anything else, I had booked a cheap hotel very last minute, of course it was going to be crappy.

Nevertheless, I put up with it, I had had worse.

I downloaded the address FRIDAY had nailed Bucky’s location down to and headed into the streets of Bucharest.

As I neared a shabby-looking apartment block I walked past a beautifully huge fountain. It’s tall structure and gold detailing on the water-spewing lions seemed very out of place in this neighbourhood, but I ignored it and continued on walking.

Bucky Barnes was my mission, I had promised Steve I would help and that was exactly what I was doing.

The building had very poor security, which was unsurprising and allowed me to enter without anybody having to let me in. Strangely, the hallways did have a few cameras, not many, but apparently enough for FRIDAY to locate Bucky’s apartment number.

I cautiously started the walk up the staircase, due to the lack of windows this was no easy task. The only real light came from the skylight, which was incredibly filthy, so that was also obscured.

Bucky’s apartment was almost on the top floor and yet, with all of my training I did not want to appear even the least out of breath, so I gave myself a moment before heading down the corridor.

Every step I took brought me closer and closer to the man no one had been able to uncover for an entire year. If I was going to be honest, it made me feel special, like I wasn’t worthless for once. My lack of training caused me to be left out every so often and I secretly believed that that was the actual reason I wasn’t in Sokovia with the others, not my sprained wrist. It took a lot more for any of the others to be “grounded”.

Finally I reached Bucky’s door, but I didn’t knock on it. I didn’t know why. I just stood there, staring at it, thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong, which included this being just another dead end.

Oh, for fuck’s sake Y/N! I scolded myself and then raised my hand. I tentatively knocked on the door. When I didn’t receive a response I knocked again, a bit louder and surer this time.

Feet shuffled around on the other side of the door and then nothing, just silence and the distant sounds of traffic.

“Bucky?” I asked carefully, “Bucky Barnes?”

“Who are you?” a low voiced replied, slightly muffled by the door.

“My name is Y/N, I’m a friend of Steve’s.”

Silence.

“Captain America.” I clarified.

Silence.

A moment, that felt like an eternity, later I registered a clicking sound, which I presumed was him unlocking the door.

The doorway then slowly opened, creakingly, and revealed a tall man, with dark hair that reached his broad shoulders. The roots were greasy and it appeared as if it hadn’t seen a comb in days.

Bucky regarded me, caution radiating off him in waves, and I didn’t blame him. But I had come here for a reason. “Can I come in?”

The question hung in the air between us for a minute and then Bucky slowly nodded and opened the door completely, revealing a one-room apartment and windows that had been blocked out by newspapers.

I slipped past him and as I stood in the centre of the room I realised that there was also a tiny bathroom adjacent to it.

“How did you find me?” Bucky had closed the door, but was still standing next to it, as if were an escape route. Which I supposed it was.

“You didn’t make it easy,” I admitted, “but we have really advanced technology.”

Bucky looked at me with a blank expression, making me feel slightly uneasy.

“I come in peace.” I blurted out and silently cursed myself the second those ridiculous words left my lips.

The corner of Bucky’s mouth twitched upwards. The smallest hint of amusement and a giant relief for me.

“I’m sorry.” I muttered, ashamed and looked down at my shoes, which had all of a sudden become the most interesting thing in the room. They were simple white tennis shoes and they made me feel as if I was walking on clouds.

“Y/N was it?” I looked up, Bucky had moved from his post next to the door and was now walking towards the kitchen counter.

“Yeah.” I told him, rather sheepishly.

“Did Steve put you up to this? Is he waiting outside?” he questioned me, casting a worried look toward the front door.

“Um.. No, not exactly.” I replied hesitantly, wondering if saying that Steve wasn’t involved was a good idea.

“Is he here?” Bucky repeated his question.

“No.”

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed together as he gave me a sceptical look. “Steve is not here.” I restated.

I couldn’t believe what happened next; it was as if Bucky let out a sigh of relief. He closed his eyes for a second and his shoulders sagged. His whole body just seemed to relax.

I took this as a sign that it was okay for me to loosen up a little bit too, and allowed myself to sink down into his small couch that had been pushed up against the kitchen island.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand. You’re happy that Steve is not here?”

Bucky took a tentative breath as I tried to study his expression; there was still a hint of the relief he had just shown, but now it was mixed with worry and what I believed to be timidness.

“Yes.” he said after a while.

I widened my eyes at him, kindly urging him to explain. I had come all this way to be able to inform Steve I had finally found his missing friend and now that friend was telling me that he didn’t want to be found by specifically Steve.

“If Steve were here…” Bucky started and then stopped, looking down at the kitchen counter.

This time I didn’t urge him on, it had become clear to me that this was not an easy subject for him to talk about. So I just sat on his couch and waited, giving him some time to figure out whether or not he wanted to tell me. I started to think about how disappointed Steve would be when he returned from Sokovia. 

I got so lost in my own whirlwind of thoughts that I barely noticed Bucky sitting down on the arm of his couch. He took a deep breath and started again: “If Steve were here I would have to be Sergeant Barnes, but now I can just be Bucky.”

I watched him as he looked down at his hands, absent mindedly running his flesh fingers along the metal plates. He looked up and directly at me. “Do you understand?” he asked.

“Not completely.”

My answer made a disappointed and sad shadow appear on his face, obscuring his features. I took a chance and reached across the couch with my hand, laying it on top of his as a sign of encouragement.

“But I want to.”

The shadow didn’t disappear entirely, but I did register a faint gleam in his eyes as he looked at me. I tried really hard to maintain a calm and welcoming expression on my face as he did so.

“Okay.” he said after a while, shifting his body ever so slightly towards mine.

“As you undoubtedly know, I lost all of my memories, but now I am very slowing recalling little things. The thing is, after seventy years of having your slate constantly wiped clean there are certain things that you lose for good. From our last encounter I have reason to believe that Steve figures that that’s not true. I remember him never wanting to give up, and no matter how many times he tells me that I’m not the Winter Soldier, I know I am. I know I will never be that Bucky again, the Bucky he grew up with, Sergeant Barnes. But he believes I can be and every time I prove him wrong I remember the disappointment on his face. After what Hydra did to me, I can never go back, it will always be a part of me. Don’t get me wrong, I want to remember, I even document every memory that comes back to me, but I just can’t face his disappointment again. At least, not yet.”

After Bucky had finished talking I didn’t  know what to say, what the right words would be.

“That must have been very difficult for you to admit to me.” I told him after I had let it all sink in, “Thank you for trusting me and explaining.”

“Please don’t tell Steve.” Bucky said suddenly, grabbing hold of my hand, surprising me.

“That you don’t want to disappoint him?”

“No, please don’t tell him that you found me.”

I looked into Bucky’s eyes and for a split second they reminded me of a dog’s. They were big, pleading, full of genuine fear and they looked straight into mine.

I knew Steve would murder me if he ever found out, but Buck’s eyes made me feel so guilty and it was as if I could feel his fear seeping into me through them. I was aware that that wasn’t possible, but yet I agreed to keep it all a secret. I just felt so bad for him.

“I just have one question.” I said.

“Yes?”

“Why did you tell me everything?” I loved the fact that he told me, but I was so confused when it came to why as I was a complete stranger.

“I don’t know.” he admitted, confusion lacing his voice, “I guess I get this feeling that I can trust you.”

Tags: @ravishyourheart

#bucky barnes #winter soldier #x reader #imagine #preference #angst #fluff #avengers #mc #headcanon #marvel #captain america #civil war #age of ultron #shield #hydra #steve rogers #preferences #imagines #infinity war

[dandelliongirl]

Catching up

before winter.

Greetings, blog. It's been a while again.

It’s been an autumn and a half at work. Things have gone very poorly on a lot of fronts, which has lead to a lot of drama and stressed people. I've personally been trying to distance myself from it all but haven't had too much energy to sit in front of a computer after work. I have, however, discovered a lot of new hobbies/interests, so I'm excited to update my blog/diary about them.

Summer cottage season is officially over. In August/September we got to go on a nature hike, collect heaps of mushrooms and bake a delicious pie with them. I harvested lots of lavender, rosemary, thyme and some parsley. We also picked lingonberries and I froze lots of currants from grandmum’s garden for the upcoming winter. We had an official ending to our summer house season in mid-October. My guy came over as well and we spent a cozy weekend doing yard work, appreciating nature and spending time together. My guy went on a trail run while I biked next to him, and in the evening we went to the sauna and sat at a bonfire. We also saw Venetian fireworks from across the lake.♥

So since August/September I’ve started down on a little witchy journey and even started making my own Grimoire. I’m mainly a kitchen and green witch with some wiccan beliefs but as I do belong to the lutheran church I’m not a wiccan. Regardless witchcraft has made menial tasks and tiring chores a lot more interesting and meaningful. It means I now find love and joy in cleaning and cleansing, decorating and baking. Meditating, charging things I do with intent and using "spells" as affirmations are definitely a part of the whole super trendy mindfullness thing that people who have been distanced from nature and natural wisdom pay top dollar to learn from expensive psychiatrists and life coaches. Appreciating nature at any season and being able to cook, bake and decorate with seasonal things gets me excited, gives me reasons to live through the dark months and works wonders in alleviating seasonal depression. Trusting, honoring and living by nature feels right, and learning about the practice of witchcraft has given meanings and explanations to a lot of my own behavior, such as collecting all kinds of magical knick knacks and talismans or creating my own sigils and even rituals since childhood. My respect for history and old wisdom certainly helps. Celebrating Samhain with all it's historical meanings and associations was a lot of fun and I cannot wait for Yule.

So some notable events that have happened since the end of August:

My high school reunion was a lot of fun even though not everyone could make it. Reminiscing about all the weird stuff that happened and things we put ourselves through for a piece of paper was a lot of fun. It was also good to hear how people are doing these days and see what cool adults they have all become.

Me and mum attended an outdoor movie picnic in August. We had grapes, vegetable chips, chocolate and pastries. We watched the movie Shoplifters and it was a nice warm evening with the whole area packed to the brim. It was a really sweet movie, and a fun evening I’ll remember and treasure forever!

In mid-September grandmum had her friends from her social democrat youth group come over for a reunion and me and mum helped her out with the arrangements. She was very tired but happy she got to be reunited with those people once again. Getting old is so cruel and ruthless, and for a while now grandmum has definitely been tying up loose ends and getting ready for the inevitable. It is sad but I don’t want to be selfish and hold on to her just because I don’t want to be left without her. I’ll just hold on to every day I still have her, and when the time comes it will come. My friend just lost her 90 year old grandmum and she’s now facing her first christmas without her...

Other events:

Annual city light event, an autumnal photoshoot for my project with my friend, meeting up with my ballet friends for coffee and mulled wine, playing the Jedi Outcast 2 remaster with my friend and feeling incredibly nostalgic, spending Samhain week with all my closest friends, my friend from kindergarten getting engaged (eeeekk!!! ♥ ♥ ♥), ordering a bunch of physical photos and buying a photo album for them, germinating 3 different kinds of apples and a few plum stones to plant in the next few weeks, having literal tens of kilos of apples to dry and make into delicious apple butter, cakes and pies. Hanging out with my guy’s high school bestie who has moved to our city to study psychology. I’ve also (finally) made some progress with my piano rehearsal and found a bunch of sheet music books that I’m waiting to be delivered. (The mail delivery services are on strike right before Christmas - yikes). I’ve also been trying to get into embroidery and continue knitting. I would also really like to spend more time reading even though I do listen to books weekly.

It is a very rainy week with lots of wet snow. I’ve been collecting dragonflies made with beads and reflective fabric that a local craft store has been leaving out on bikes. (Only from abandoned bikes though!) We took a big bird feeder to our summer cottage and when mum and dad went to check it out yesterday it had tons of birds flocking around it! ♥ Last night me and my guy went to the sauna at my parents' house and had nachos for father's day.

I put up the Christmas tree this past weekend and I'm planning on decorating it this week. I'm still waiting for a Sims sale so that I can get my planned build-a-bundle of city living, realm of magic and romantic garden stuff for the holiday season. Me and my guy started playing kingdom come deliverance on a free weekend and bought it on sale. We've also been playing fe3h, Untitled Goose game and Skyrim (again!) on the Switch. I would really want to play Luigi's mansion 3. Some 130 days until New Horizons.

This Friday it’s me and my guy's 9th anniversary and we're starting our 10th year together. Crazy! I'm so glad that pretty much our entire relationship is saved in these tumblr posts. We're having a lunch date for some sushi on Friday to celebrate, and possibly planning a trip for our upcoming 10th year together.

It's been a beautiful autumn full of new discoveries about myself and enjoying the company of awesome people. Because of all these awesome things in my personal life the difficulties at work cannot get to me (they sometimes do but I try to stay strong) like they did to my poor colleague who had to take sick leave.. 6 weeks until Christmas vacation, and after that I have almost 3 weeks of vacation left for the spring. Whether I travel or spend it at home with New Horizons is still up for debate.

I drafted this post at work. I have very little motivation to do any actual work so I take every quiet moment when I'm alone in our office to do other things and avoid actual work at all costs. Oop. I ordered some warm indoor shoes and a new Oysho blanket in preparation for the long winter in our freezing cold office.

#personal #diary #November2019

[fagkit]

200 thru 1 :3c

bet you didn’t think I’d do it @chqwder @ephraim-o-rama​

200: My crush’s name is: killu @bpdzoldyck I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH!!!!!! 199: I was born in: ontario198: I am really: affectionate, loving, supportive, jealous, drained197: My cellphone company is: freedom196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: 9194: My ring size is: no idea193: My height is: 5′11′’192: I am allergic to: nothing that I know of191: My 1st car was: none, I hate driving190: My 1st job was: peer tutoring through my college189: Last book you read: I can’t remember, but probably a science fiction book for one of the classes I took in college188: My bed is: comfortable and unmade and covered in clothes187: My pet: a precious calico kitty cat named reese uwu 186: My best friend: aria @god-mutt aaaaaahhh god I love my best friend so much like holy gosh damn like I love her with all my heart she’s the best friend ever to exist!!!!! 185: My favorite shampoo is: head and shoulders is all I use184: Xbox or ps3: neither?? I’m a pc gamer… ps3 if I had to choose183: Piggy banks are: kinda helpful I guess182: In my pockets: nothing lmao181: On my calendar: my friends’ birthdays uwu180: Marriage is: I dunno, nothing special to me179: Spongebob can: quench that extreme thirst178: My mom: loves memes177: The last three songs I bought were? all on krewella’s new world album, the first time I’ve bought music in years actually176: Last YouTube video watched: sro playing camille175: How many cousins do you have? fuck there’s a lot of them but I don’t know most of them, my family tree is huge.. I’m close to like three of my cousins174: Do you have any siblings? I have a younger sister173: Are your parents divorced? nope172: Are you taller than your mom? yeah, by a little171: Do you play an instrument? not at all170: What did you do yesterday? I worked and then had a pizza and relaxed[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: not a chance168: Luck: as much as I like to blame luck when things go bad, or say I got lucky when things go well, not really… shit just happens167: Fate: same as before, shit just happens, but fate can be nice to think about sometimes166: Yourself: kinda, I can be a big fuck up sometimes but I’m still alive and kicking165: Aliens: not your traditional aliens out of fiction, but I believe there is other forms of life in the universe164: Heaven: nah, not really, but it’s nice to think about163: Hell: as often as I’ll say I’m going to hell, in particular with my best friend to chill after death, it’s not really something I think is real162: God: no, I don’t really think about it either, nor do I care to think about it161: Horoscopes: they’re fun, but I don’t think they’re real or accurate or hold any value160: Soul mates: it’s a comforting thing to believe in, but it’s probably not real159: Ghosts: not really, it’s possible but I don’t really care either way158: Gay Marriage: of course!!!!! unfollow me if you don’t157: War: war is very much real lmao do I think it should it happen??? it would be nice if it didn’t… but in the world we live in I think it’s always bound to happen156: Orbs: what does this even mean????155: Magic: nope but this is the closest to magic I’ve ever seen[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs153: Drunk or High: high152: Phone or Online: online151: Red heads or Black haired: black hair150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunette149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: summer147: Autumn or Spring: autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: oranges143: Curly or Straight hair: straight142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdicks141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: flip flops138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: obama I guess, I’m not american so my opinion is limited135: Burried or cremated: I want to be cremated134: Singing or Dancing: singing133: Coach or Chanel: lmao I don’t care132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who???131: Small town or Big city: small town130: Wal-Mart or Target: wal-mart, target got shit on in canada for good reasons too129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: adam sandler I guess, only because my favourite movie ever is 50 first dates128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure probably so I can show it off127: East Coast or West Coast: I don’t know??? what does this even mean??126: Your Birthday or Christmas: my birthday125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: never been to either and never will123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither, I don’t care about sports[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: depends on what’s being fought over, human rights is one of the only reasons it should need to happen121: George Bush: I’m not american and I don’t really care120: Gay Marriage: there shouldn’t need to be laws for gay marriage to be legal and accepted119: The presidential election: a losing choice either way118: Abortion: pro-choice, your body your life your choice117: MySpace: dead and gone116: Reality TV: can be fun sometimes115: Parents: my parents are great!!!! others?? not so much… really common to hear about shitty parents114: Back stabbers: shitty people, drop them when you get the chance113: Ebay: pretty useful but I don’t really use it112: Facebook: waste of time and poorly designed and too much data mining111: Work: I’m underpaid, retail is hell, it’s basically adult babysitting110: My Neighbors: don’t talk to them but they smoke a lot of weed109: Gas Prices: inflated and bullshit but luckily I don’t drive108: Designer Clothes: not a necessity but to each their own107: College: unfairly out of reach for most people, should be free106: Sports: boring and exhausting and not fun to me105: My family: I love my family, I don’t really have any complaints104: The future: probably pretty shitty with how things in the world have been lately, gonna enjoy the present while I can[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: a week ago102: Last time you ate: a couple hours ago101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: a while? :3c100: Cried in front of someone: a few days ago on voice chat with my best friend99: Went to a movie theater: around a year at this point98: Took a vacation: around april was the last time I had a week off work97: Swam in a pool: over a year, last summer I think96: Changed a diaper: never95: Got my nails done: never94: Went to a wedding: not since I was a baby93: Broke a bone: never, the closest was a fractured wrist when I was around 1292: Got a peircing: never91: Broke the law: I have no idea, probably the last time I ripped a song from youtube which was almost a year ago90: Texted: less than a minute ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: aria88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: aria87: The last movie I saw: something with aria I can’t remember the name of, it was a bunch of shorts on short stories (she has informed me it was called XX)86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: coming home from work and calling with aria85: The thing im not looking forward to: going back to work84: People call me: loving, supportive, a brother83: The most difficult thing to do is: accept change82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never81: My zodiac sign is: libra80: The first person i talked to today was: grizz @chqwder79: First time you had a crush: when I was around 1078: The one person who i can’t hide things from: aria77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: probably aria76: Right now I am talking to: voice calling with aria 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be best friends with aria74: I have/will get a job: I am a unofficially a manager at a hardware store (I do all the work of one), but only get paid as a supervisor73: Tomorrow: THIS IS SO VAGUE but I’m going to be working and then hanging out with aria72: Today: I streamed with grizz @chqwder and joshy @ephraim-o-rama and voice called with aria @god-mutt while I did this before bed71: Next Summer: I have no idea probably hanging out with aria??70: Next Weekend: hanging out with aria69: I have these pets: a cat that I mentioned earlier68: The worst sound in the world: forks scraping on a plate67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself66: People that make you happy: aria makes me the happiest65: Last time I cried: like a week ago on call with aria64: My friends are: amazing and wonderful and I love them63: My computer is: a beast62: My School: I’m not in school anymore61: My Car: is non-existent, like my license60: I lose all respect for people who: lie and break my trust, cheat, lots of other reasons that are pretty standard and obvious for people not deserving respect59: The movie I cried at was: I can’t remember right now but I cry really easily at movies58: Your hair color is: brown57: TV shows you watch: hunter x hunter and a bunch of other anime, rupauls drag race, and mostly just youtube videos… I don’t have cable to watch tv56: Favorite web site: tumblr and youtube55: Your dream vacation: I hate travel but if I get a chance to meet aria that would be the best54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when I scalded my hand with boiling water a couple years ago53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium-rare52: My room is: kinda messy51: My favorite celebrity is: I really love adore delano50: Where would you like to be: hanging out with aria and looking at stars or watching movies and having a sleepover49: Do you want children: kinda, as long as I can skip the baby phase48: Ever been in love: yes, and then heartbroken but I’m over it now whatever romantic love sucks miss me with that shit47: Who’s your best friend: aria!!!!46: More guy friends or girl friends: guy friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: spending time with aria44: One person that you wish you could see right now: aria43: Do you have a 5 year plan: not die??? even that’s kinda iffy???42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: meet aria41: Have you pre-named your children: nope40: Last person I got mad at: a friend I ended up blocking39: I would like to move to: nowhere, I like where I live38: I wish I was a professional: programmer[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: peanut butter m&ms36: Vehicle: I don’t really care enough to have one35: President: don’t care enough to have one34: State visited: I’ve only been to two states, buffalo (to take a plane to chicago), and illinois. between the two, definitely not buffalo33: Cellphone provider: I’m with freedom and the service is meh but it’s affordable32: Athlete: don’t care31: Actor: don’t care enough to have one30: Actress: don’t care enough29: Singer: adore delano28: Band: krewella27: Clothing store: h&m??? I don’t really clothing shop often26: Grocery store: fortinos25: TV show: excluding anime, it would be rupauls drag race24: Movie: 50 first dates23: Website: tumblr and youtube22: Animal: foxes and fennecs21: Theme park: never been to one20: Holiday: halloween19: Sport to watch: none, they’re all boring18: Sport to play: none, they’re all boring17: Magazine: I don’t read any16: Book: warrior cats ;3 I don’t read… never have the time15: Day of the week: thursday, it’s my day off14: Beach: a beach 3 hours away on lake huron13: Concert attended: three days grace12: Thing to cook: mac and cheese11: Food: pizza and mac and cheese10: Restaurant: a sushi place that closed down almost three years ago9: Radio station: I don’t really listen to the radio on my own, not sure8: Yankee candle scent: I dunno probably something with vanilla??7: Perfume: I don’t know vanilla scents I guess??6: Flower: snapdragons and bleeding hearts!!!!!!!!5: Color: true blue4: Talk show host: I don’t watch talk shows3: Comedian: I have no idea2: Dog breed: german shepherd, husky, border collie1: Did you answer all these truthfully? yep

#ice answers #long post #grizzer

[sentoku]

Holy crap, the GMAT

There's a test called the GMAT, which colleges use to decide which applicants they'll let in to study MBAs. I found out about it a fortnight ago, when a prospective student contacted me via the tutoring company and asked if I could help her study for it.

The answer, I discovered after looking through the relevant material, was a surprisingly emphatic “yes!”. The GMAT seems unusually tailored to me, to the point where I'm literally considering applying for business school based on how well I'd do on the entrance exam*. I bring this up because most of the reasons I'd do well on the GMAT are reasons most rationalist and rationalish blogger types would do well on the GMAT; if you're reading this, have an undergrad degree, and would be interested in going to a fancy business school, I think that's a lot more of an option than I think you think it is.

The GMAT has four sections. I'll break these down below.

Quantitative

The quantitative section is a list of 75 math-based multiple-choice questions. These don't test any knowledge you wouldn't have picked up in the first half of high school, but they use it very trickily and creatively, and only give you two minutes per question. It's less a test of what you know, and more of how intimately you know it.

The questions are split into standard math questions and 'data sufficiency' questions. 'Data sufficiency' gives you two statements, A and B, and asks which of them are sufficient to find the answer to a question (the five options: A, B, either, both together, or none of the above). Highschool math plus rules of inference, basically; any HJPEV-wannabe types will be right at home with them.

Verbal

This section is composed of multiple-choice questions testing reading comprehension, critical reasoning, and sentence correction. These are all what they sound like. I have a special place in my heart for the last one; after years of being pedantic about grammar, my weird obsession is finally useful!

Integrated Reasoning

“Okay, so they can math, and they can words, but can they math and words?” Apparently a lot of people good at Verbal Reasoning and Quantitative Reasoning turned out to be bad at using them in conjunction, so the Integrated Reasoning section was added in 2012 to weed such people out. I love this section; using multiple low-level skills simultaneously is what I was made for.

There are four question types, all of the same format: you get some data, and have to answer several multiple-choice questions about that data. The data can be in the form of a graph, a table, a series of fake news articles, or just a long and convoluted word problem.

It's fairly straightforward. I'd bring your attention to the 'two-part analysis' question type, though, since they're deceptively difficult unless you've become familiar with the genre. That is, they looked easy to me at first; then, I tried one and failed pathetically; then, I tried five more and they became as easy as they'd originally looked**.

Analytical Writing Assessment

This is the only part I might have a problem with. The actual content isn't likely to be an issue: they give you an argument and tell you to critique it, which is what we've all been doing since we got internet connections. But they give you thirty minutes to produce an entire essay. I can write, but I can't necessarily write like I'm running out of time; this post took me like three hours.

The good news is that terrible handwriting isn't an issue, since this section – like all sections – is done via computer. You can use the same skills you've been using to shitpost on tumblr to discourse your way into business school.

If all of those sections sound like things you'd do well at, then you may want to look into taking the GMAT, either as a route into an MBA or an impressive extra line on a resume.

If parts of it sound like things you'd do well at, while others sound like things you'd do okay or poorly at, don't let that put you off entirely. For one thing, the Total - which most people pay most attention to - depends solely on the multiple choice sections. For another, the parts of the test are scored separately; if you get a freakishly high Integrated Reasoning mark and average marks for the other sections, it won’t be averaged out to “slightly above average, in general”, and you'll be able to show off your one good section to employers who desperately need Integrated Reasoners.

And even if something prevents you from taking the test – you can't afford the entry fee, or you freak out under test conditions, or you can't read fast enough*** – it may still be worth knowing about, just because of how fun and lucrative tutoring wannabe MBAs can be.

To sum up: the GMAT is remarkably rationalist-friendly; business school is therefore surprisingly rationalist-accessible; GMAT prep tutoring is also a decent source of part-time work.

*I'm not even kidding. Please feel free to talk me into/out of doing this.

**Actually, that seems to be true of the GMAT in general. Many sections and question types look like they require no preparation, but turn out to need a small amount of preparation. I have a paranoid theory that this is a way to trick people into thinking that they need a large amount of preparation, so they buy prep materials from the GMAT-writers and their friends. Healthy young undergrad looks at example test, thinks it's easy, flunks and drops $500 in a panicked attempt not to fail the resit; many such cases, probably. But they can't actually make success dependent on access to expensive materials, since that would make it impossible for smart poor people who made a decent effort to pass, so they do the next best thing, and make it look easier and more approachable than it is to trap overconfident rich kids.

***I'd look into getting accommodations for those last two, FYI; the GMAT website is pretty emphatic about how it accommodates disabled people, though I don't know how much that translates into actual action.

#sorta notes #tutoring

[icarushasfallenfromthestars]

Found (Outside The Screen) (Dream x GN! Reader) Part 2

Request: That dream angst fuckin wrecked my heart..any chance for a part 2 with comfort(im not the og requester so if not thats fine its just OUGH my heart)

I have written this three times over because tumblr didn’t save it. THEN. Tumblr doesn’t show it to ANYONE unless they check my account. This happened to my Ranboo fic as well... I will honestly cry if no one sees this.

Part 1 

Once again. This is a completely fictitious story and version of Clay.

TW: Panic attacks, self deprecating thoughts,

"(Y/n)!"

His voice echoed through the house as you scrambled around corners to escape the possible wrath of your boyfriend. Or maybe even soon to be ex boyfriend.

Despite living in this house with him for a little over two years, it was beginning to feel like a maze. You couldn't tell which way was left and which way was right, your head spinning with panic as you gasped for breath.

He's gonna find you...

The house wasn't even that big, and quite an open concept, so you had no idea why you were finding it so confusing. All you knew at the moment was...

Get out.

Once your eyes landed on the door that lead out, you made a beeline towards it and flung it open. Maybe you should've known better than to attempt to run from the manhunt god...

The footsteps pounding against the floor not too far behind you startled you enough to jump outside and slam the door behind you in hopes of giving yourself enough time to run farther.

There were plenty of things failing to register in your mind as you ran down the empty sidewalks. Such as the poor choice (or lack) of shoes you were wearing, or even the heavy night rain pelting down on your shaking body.

Your lungs were burning.. But your brain had thrown itself so far into fight or flight mode that you had no care for anything around you, hardly blinking twice as the signs of unfamiliar street names flew past you.

Eventually, when you physically couldn't breathe any longer, you sat on a bench and took awhile to think. The consistent rain pelting down on your head was actually a decent grounder to help you snap yourself out of it... But that only caused more confusion and another wave of panic to wash over you.

Where... were you?

Doesn't matter. Don't go back.

Oh God... He hates you..

Why wouldn't he..?

He was too embarrassed to show you to his chat!

What did you do that was so embarrassing?

God.. What was so wrong with you that he stayed in his streaming room for days on end!?

Pulling your knees up to your chest, you choked back a few sobs, trying your best to keep what was left of your composure. Very quickly, however, you gave up on trying to hold yourself together and broke down, hiding your face in your knees.

Time seemed to pass by way too quickly but also way too slowly at the same time.. Like time itself was giving you the one finger salute. When you finally stopped crying, you leaned back against the back of the bench and gave a shaky sigh before you decided to attempt to think rationally again.

You had no clue where you were. Nothing looked familiar. What time is it? No clue, you don't have your... Your phone!

You quickly scrambled to your pocket to pull out the cellular device, and stared at the black screen for a few seconds. Anxiety was the reason for your hesitance as you stared into your reflection, frowning slightly. Without thinking twice, you pressed the button and the screen lit up with various arrays of colours.

78 Missed calls from Clay💚

2 Missed calls from George👓🇬🇧

7 Missed calls from Sapnap🔥

Was... He so mad that his friends were trying to yell at you too? You tilted your head slightly and scrolled through the other notifications on your lockscreen.

Twitter seemed to be losing their minds over your boyfriend's stream and wondering who the stranger was. Seeing the headlines flooded you with immeasurable guilt and you almost put your phone down again, if your phone didn't start buzzing.

You glanced down at the screen and say Clay was making call number 79... Man, he was persistent.. and he would probably continue to call until you answered...

Your finger hovered over the decline button, before slowly moving over and landing on the green one instead. "...Hello...?"

"(Y/n)...?" Had... He been crying...? "Oh my god! You're alive!" He gasped out with glee before giving a few sobs of... relief...?

"...You... Aren't... Mad?" You whispered very softly and hesitantly, your voice scratchy and sore from crying.

He sighed and there was a little bit of shuffling as well as a few male voices in the background. "No. Not in the slightest... Where are you? I want to apologize in person.. And when it doesn't sound like you're in a hurricane.."

You lifted your head up to look at the rain that was continuing to pelt down on you before looking around. "..I'm not sure.." You heard your partner echo your statement in question form as you looked for street signs through the rain. Glancing back at your phone, you saw the screen light up again, this time it was a warning label.

Your battery was almost dead...

"C-Clay.. My phone is going to die.." You murmured softly, your heart filling with dread as you turned down your brightness and closed any unnecessary apps.

There was a little bit of clattering and shuffling on the line as Clay hurriedly walked from the windows to the door, trying to see you from the home. "G-give me landmarks! Hurry!" He practically begged as you shot up from your bench, ignoring the burning soreness in your legs.

Spinning around quickly, you began listing off a few company buildings you saw, trying to shout over the rain and a few cars driving by. "Yeah-yeah! There's also that little sushi place beside the restaurant too.."

You heard the furious typing of his computer before another almost sob of relief. "You're on Rosewood Avenue... How the hell did you run that far? Okay, you're going to walk in the opposite direction of the sushi place until you reach a road called Miller Road, got that?" He waited for a verbal noise of agreement before continuing, "Once you get there, turn left and keep walking straight until you get to a steakhouse. I'll meet you half way, if you don't see me there, don't move unless you have to. Got it?" He asked firmly, with a small hint of desperation in his tone.

You rubbed your face as you mentally repeated the directions to yourself. "Yeah.. Yeah.. I got it." You began to walk along the sidewalks, your shoulders beginning to tremble from the water induced shivers trailing up and down your spine.

"..(Y/n)?"

"Yeah?"

"I lov-"

Your phone died..

Pulling the device away from your head, you pressed the buttons a few times before groaning and shoving it into your pockets as you began to walk.

Your mind was blurry but also hyper aware along the walk to the road where Clay told you to go. 'What was he going to say? If... He doesn't hate me... was he going to say- No.. no. He hadn't said that line in over a few months now.. No reason why he would say it now..' You mentally scolded yourself.

The rain didn't seem to be too keen on letting up as you walked through large rippling puddles. Your clothes were soaked, your hair completely drenched and you were pretty sure you were gonna need to buy a new phone with how much your current one was getting waterlogged..

You rose your arm to shield your face from the onslaught of water that a car had caused by driving through a large puddle before running your hand down your face.

Part of you was still a bit.. angry... at Clay... He had ignored you for so long and wanted nothing to do with you.. Then suddenly you spill hot coffee on yourself and then boom, you have the man more focused than when he has a good speed run seed. What about all those times you were begging him to come to bed, or at least eat dinner at the table with you? Did you only matter when you were in pain?

Biting your lip, you shook off the thought as you looked up again to see the steakhouse that you were directed to go to, the signs glowingly and people shuffling in and out through the doors...

Then there was another man, standing under a large black umbrella wearing a damp lime green hoodie...

Only you'd recognize that face anywhere where others wouldn't.. Standing in the street lights perfectly was your boyfriend, Clay.

Your heart trembled but also melted slightly upon seeing that he wasn't paying attention to his screen anymore. You. He was focused on finding you...

As you began to walk closer, you saw him lift his head and stare at you for a few seconds before dropping the umbrella and lunge forward to wrap you in a loving embrace. "I'm sorry.." Was the first thing he whispered, his voice almost as hoarse as yours. "I know.. that a simple apology will never excuse what I put you through... You cared for me, and even after a stupidly ignored you... You still didn't leave, or get angry. I don't deserve you, I know that, and you have every right to be upset, angry or whatever you're feeling right now.. Please, it doesn't matter how long it takes... Just let me make it up to you and let me prove myself worthy of your love again.."

Your lips parted in surprise as you stared at him, the streetlight poorly capturing his normal beauty, but still doing it well enough that you felt your heart soar. "Clay..." Your eyes traced his features, his puffy and reddened eyes and his cheeks stained with tear tracks, "You have a lot to work and make up for... I'm not going to forgive you immediately, but I'm not going to leave you.. We can work things out.. Together, okay?"

He eagerly nodded and gently held your face in his hands before pressing a light kiss to your forehead. "I'll break away from video editing and streaming for a while.. So I can focus on repairing things with you.."

You buried your face into the male's sweater, that was beginning to become soaked as well from the rain and you, and closed your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him.

"(Y/n)?"

"Mm..?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Clay."

#dreamwastaken #dreamwastaken x reader #dreamwastaken x you #mcyt x reader #mcyt #dream mcyt #x reader #reader insert #read #self insert #dream smp #dream team

[ramblingsofanobody]

[{Tech Company}] collects user data

No. Shit.

I am baffled by the outrage that people have towards a lot of the recent items in the news surrounding Facebook & Cambridge Analytica. I’m even more surprised when something else comes out and people get all shocked again. Apparently Google collects data on you too, so I reiterate: No. Shit.

And for all of the other news reports that will come out over the next few months regarding Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, Snapchat, Whatsapp, Tinder, Grindr and so on, so on, so on. No. Shit. Doubly-so for any website which insists that you must use their shitty app. Facebook functionality is definitely waning on a mobile browser but you can still use m.facebook.com, you can also send messages through it without installing messenger, for reddit you can use i.reddit.com (or m.reddit.com). Treat anything that doesn’t work at all, like Instagram, with a lot of scepticism. If you’re using Google Home or Amazon Alexa, don’t come crying to me when next year you find out that the camera you placed in your bedroom, and the microphone you placed in your living room have actually been recording everything you say and do.

I know that it’s not helpful from the tinfoil-hat-wearing people like me to say that we told you so, but it’s the equivalent of me trying to hang shelves which subsequently fall down, and THEN being told that I should have used a particular kind of anchoring screw. You’ll tell me that you “told me so” with home DIY, I’m telling you that I told you so on this.

I’m on Facebook, I’m on a number of Google services, and an array of other social media and communication tools. Each time some “news” comes out about how you can download your treasure-trove of data one of these companies collects about you I go ahead and do it, and here’s what I’ve found: they’re only showing me the data which I expected to see. I’m not saying that they’re not still collecting additional information in the background, they most likely definitely are, but the outrage that people have found in this user-accessible data is based on data that people have willingly shared:

The Facebook “Contact Info” section is blank for me (i.e. it doesn’t contain records from all of my text messages and phone calls

My Google Activity section is blank, there’s no search history, there is no location history, no Voice & Audio history. There IS Youtube history, because I turned that on

Instagram has never had access to my location, camera, or microphone. I take a picture, and THEN upload it (I know that they do have access to my internal storage this way)

If there is a perfectly functioning website then there is no need to install an app, if the website functions poorly due to poor code then their app isn’t going to be much better, and finally if the website is pushing you to install their app for a better “experience” then be very wary - nobody wants the overhead of maintaining an app just because it cares about your “experience”.

None if this should be considered to be “new” either, I have little experience with iOS but I know that with Google Play you can see the permissions an app wants (click “View Details” under the permissions). You also have the option to retroactively disable some of this access too, but some things will refuse to work without them so you’ll need to weigh up the importance of the trade between your data and functionality, ask yourself: are Snapchat filters important enough to me that Snapchat can have my location?

Ignorance is not a sufficient excuse anymore, particularly somewhere with strong consumer laws like the EU where websites have to tell you if they use cookies, most companies and services will publish terms of service or user agreements, there are EULAs, apps have to tell you what permissions they need. You should assume the worst with any smart device or service and expect anything you share with them to be shared to a third party.

And when you go to install that app, ask yourself why that app needs permission to X. Does a notepad really require camera & microphone access, does Angry Birds really need your location? All social media collects a shit-tonne of information about you regardless of whether you use an app or traditionally access via a computer, but the app has the ability to collect a lot more information about you than a web page would.

I look forward to the next series of outrage, and the subsequent “No shit” from me.

#cambridgeanalytica #facebook #deletefacebook #privacy #tracking