#also if i end up modeling her i think i should give her pride flag pins just to make her cooler :)

[antirepurp]

so how we feeling about vaguely older amy

#amy rose #sonic #sth #purp doot #i considered changing her quills but i think it would've been a bit much #this is more just a new outfit than anything and i think it's more fitting for her than large-scale changes maybe #not sure abt the overalls color tho. i don't wanna make it red/pink but hmst've #might need more green in some places perhaps #also if i end up modeling her i think i should give her pride flag pins just to make her cooler :)

[1-800-deactivatednearu]

woag character design notes

[i.d.: a drawn line up of the half life vr ai characters, from left to right, gordon, dr. coomer, tommy, bubby, gman, and benrey. /end i.d.]

yeah i skipped some guys , i dont draw some of them enough to have much unique designs and some of them are a png of a dog

trust me i am just surprised as the rest of yall that i am doing hlvrai art . design notes below (very long, mind your step)

gordon:

wow this guy dont got no head

i didnt want to give gordon a face because of how unexact the person is as the fandom engages with it. is it wayne rtvs? (well as presented to an audience, yes) is it gordon freeman? (well as seen from an in game perspective, yes) is it a whole new guy entirely? (well as

i cut the confusion and took it a whole new direction: guillotine

hlvrai being treated as a very broken game is fun to me as a design perspective, so if you (the audience) are not supposed to see his face, what happens when you see it anyways? missing texture time

there are eyes drawn over because i did not have confidence in my expressions at first and then it grew on me

i think if i were to draw (and i have drawn) an actual person under the mask i would still censor the eyes because that is where the vr headset sits!!

(i do not like putting an actual flesh to gordon though)

though i really like seeing how other people interpret gordon hlvrai it is not . my gordon ? we are talking about the same guy . but this is my gordo . i made this one . this guy my guy . maybe i should draw other gordon designs

i can draw the hev suit from memory and it is also the entire reason why i can render metal confidently

i liked how people changed the lambda to read ai :] i also have no clue if i wrote the lambda correctly

(i did, i just checked)

dr coomer:

as much as i draw/drew him i find it more fun to not stick to one set design :)

so a lot of my takes on dr coomer tend to jump from idea to idea, especially from what other people are doing, though they could be fitted to the left and right designs!

the left design is mainly based off what i saw in fandom spaces

we see rounder shapes, making for a more friendly and welcoming appearance

i think of this as straying from the more professional uniform of the actual scientist models

enter swimming shorts and bright yellow socks, for some reason

so now he kind of looks like a cool science teacher :)

it might be the lab coat

the right design is mainly based off thumbnails for hlvrai itself

these use a more angular appearance

i want to push how comically buff he is because of strength he shows at times, especially since his left design seems to completely down play it as a comically not buff man who is still very strong

the shadows on right design coomer get so much more harsh and exaggerated because i have comic books on the mind :)

he really does look like a dehydrated comic book character huh

tommy:

stick bug (he gets it from his dad) (this thought process is explained at gman section)

i pushed a lot of the saturation of colours in her design because i think tommy gets to be a little silly with it

fun art story of the day! when you color, try messing with hue! you might notice you can get away with a lot as long as your values are about right

i like pushing this with white because you can get away with a lot of things reading as “off white”

old faithful for me is cool shadows with a warm transition colour to keep things visually interesting

i keep making white objects the trans flag

happy pride

tommys design looks a little like a school boy, with the tucked in button up shirt+suspenders+shorts+jacket tied around the waist . and the primary colours . but like it is really fun to dress up so brightly

i actually was strongly inspired by medieval babies if that is a weird descriptor? i wanted him to both be a middle aged man but also a young adult

do not be like tommy, who has their finger on the trigger of the gun while not even looking at where it is pointing and good god he is squeezing the trigger . top ten firearm safety of all time

bubby:

the absurd part is that i think bubby is tall . he is just between tommy and gman who are exaggeratedly lanky .

i wanted to make bubby a pointy kinda guy, so he is the only one actually wearing the lab coat proper . and the only one actually wearing dress socks but not even wearing dress shoes

i wanted to give him a novelty tie but i was running low on ideas and running high on boreds so we dont get a tie

he does have crocs though!! in attack mode!!

i do think we all kind of saw his model and collectively decided it works for him because i have honestly not seen major divergences from his model?

gman:

stick bug

i wanted to stress the more spooky and unknowable nature of him and took it in the dark souls direction of “make bigger than player character”

maked too bigger

he cannot walk through any doorways but you will have to crane your neck to look up at him

in the opposite direction of tommy, i pulled a lot of the saturation in gmans design

it feels important to make them both not fully match the rest of the slightly less broken npcs because there was so much work to make them look cool so i have to respect that

actually a lot of gmans and tommys designs are made in opposite to one another

gman has a largely stationary face and very stiff line work

while tommy is pushed to expressive as possible

thats pretty fun, way to go me

benrey:

benrey also has two designs

and in both of these i keep getting too lazy to use a reference so  the vests are super plain (forgetting the badge and black mesa logo) . i think the helmet is supposed to be darker actually .

the design ethos of benrey was “built like a brick shithouse”

a friend of mine took this cooler and interpreted it as a shield/wall/barrier as a physical (and narrative) obstacle

again the first uses fandom designs

most notably the overcast shadow (seen in video thumbnails but i never noticed it or understood why so many people did it until someone pointed it out to me)

i think hlvrai is such a great medium because it acknowledges it is a game and is able to play into that to great effect! i think the shadow is fun to imagine as solid black as a small reminder of the impossibility of the space :]

benrey is a smug cat in the body of a human . to be honest . and this is the full range of emotion i have ever drawn him with

the second was mostly because as fun as taking creative liberties are, i just really wanted to see benrey as is: the half life security guard model in all its slight wonk :]

i actually do prefer this design . it is a little more uncanny because i choose the worst translations of the model . i like it because it is a little more uncanny !

that can be said for like . every single design in this line up huh .

#hlvrai #my art #gordon feetman #dr coomer #tommy coolatta #dr bubby #gman coolatta #benrey #half life vr but the ai is self aware

[torreshalstead]

I’ll show you mine - part 8

Summary - He didn’t fit. His clothes were too nice, his hair too neat, he was raising all the red flags for Hailey. She didn’t think he was part of the crew she was trying to take down, but why else would he be in such an establishment on a random Tuesday night? But then he muttered the words into her ear that she had least expected - ‘I’m police’.

Chapters - 8/?

Notes - thanks for the love on this story! The next update will be October 17th ❤️ AO3 Link

‘So how’s things upstairs?’ Trudy asked with a warm smile, her hands wrapped tightly around the steaming mug of coffee in front of her, the blueberry muffin sitting on the plate next to it remaining untouched at that moment.

‘It’s good,’ Hailey said, picking a piece off her own muffin and popping it into her mouth before continuing. ‘Voight’s got his own way of running things but the team works seamlessly together and it’s nice to finally feel a part of something bigger.’

Trudy nodded whilst she sipped on her coffee. ‘He appreciates his team, won’t let anyone say a bad word about them or treat them without the respect they deserve. You’ve landed on your feet up there Upton.’

From anyone else, the words could be tinged with a sense of judgement, that maybe it wasn’t a deserved promotion, but Hailey knew differently. Platt had a tough exterior sometimes but Hailey knew that she was proud of her and she was grateful after all this time to finally have ended up in the same district as the formidable desk sergeant. She wasn’t under her direct supervision but had heard from Kim that if patrol was needed to assist on a case then they got to work alongside Platt. Hailey clearly wasn’t the only cop who Trudy had had an influence over judging from Kim’s tone when she spoke about her.

‘Don’t I know it Sarge,’ Hailey smiled. ‘I think the guys are learning a lot too,’ she added, thinking of how she had never seen Adam work as hard or as intently as he did when Olinsky was peering over his shoulder. She had also heard directly from Jay just how impressed he was with Kevin - Hailey had made sure to tell the young cop directly, it was always nice to hear when someone had something positive to say about you.

‘Al says that Ruzek is a bit of a handful,’ Trudy cocked an eyebrow and Hailey chuckled with a little nod.

‘Yep, he’s definitely due a little polishing but Al seems to have the measure of him and isn’t letting him get away with crap, not that I did either,’ she tacked on quickly, not wanting it to seem like she had let any of Adam’s indiscretions slip through. But training two new members of the team without any support from the higher ups had been difficult on her own and she hadn’t been in the position to give either of her officers as much time as she would have liked.

‘Al also said that Ruzek had clearly had some very good habits drilled into him and he said he was impressed by the level he was already at,’ Trudy said with a hint of a proud smile.

Hailey’s shoulders deflated after the momentary need to defend herself and her actions, she should have known neither Trudy or Al would put in a dig like that - they weren’t like that.

‘That’s nice of him to say,’ Hailey said, concealing a grin behind her mug as she took a long gulp.

‘There’s not many detectives who would have put their own chances at a new assignment on the line for the sake of officers lower down the pecking order Upton. You did a good thing for those two,’ Trudy said and Hailey felt a surge of pride through her chest.

‘I had a good role model,’ she said, not needing to say anymore when Trudy’s cheeks reddened slightly when she realised Hailey had been talking about her.

‘But you’re getting on with everyone up there? Burgess can be a bit of a chatterbox but she’s got a good heart.’

‘Kim’s great,’ Hailey said, tugging on some of the memories of riding alongside the young officer over the past couple of weeks. ‘It’s nice to be able to impart some of my wisdom for want of a better word, onto another female cop. It’s not easy for us but that doesn’t mean we still can’t do a good job.’

‘Exactly,’ Trudy said, finally taking a bite of her muffin in between sentences. ‘And you and Halstead?’

Hailey almost choked on her coffee, the blood rushing to her cheeks and her palms suddenly sweaty as if she had just run a marathon. ‘What?’ She said, eyes wide.

‘Well he’s the other detective up there we hadn’t mentioned,’ Trudy said calmly but Hailey could spot a glimmer in her eyes and the slight tilt to her head. ‘And he’s close to your age so figured you’d have a lot in common.’

‘Oh, well-’ Hailey stammered. ‘Yeah, he’s a great cop. Ummm…’ she was struggling to find the words but not discussing Jay would make it even more obvious that they had something to hide rather than talking about him normally as a colleague. ‘We worked well together on the Harrison case and I know he’s a great guy for Atwater to learn from too.’ That was all true, and Hailey hoped it had been enough to convince the desk sergeant to move onto another topic of conversation. But no such luck.

‘And he’s not bad to look at either,’ Trudy said nonchalantly, looking at Hailey over the rim of her mug, eyes sparkling with knowing.

‘Well I guess not,’ Hailey said, flustered. She wsan’t wrong and denying Jay was good looking was a foolish endeavour. The man could stop traffic.

‘I heard he’s single,’ Trudy added flippantly.

‘I wouldn't know,’ Hailey said calmly. ‘But I’m focused on the job right now. Adding a man to the mix would only complicate matters.’

‘Men do that,’ Trudy said. ‘But sometimes complexity is worth it.’

And with that, she downed the last of her coffee, took a final bite out of her muffin and stood up. ‘Thanks for the coffee Upton,’ she said before heading towards the exit leaving a bewildered Hailey in her wake. Was Platt trying to play matchmaker or was she just letting Hailey know that she had seen through her and Jay’s little facade? The woman was harder to read than Ulysses.

——————————————————————————

They had been sitting in the car for over 3 hours and there hadn’t been an inch of movement within the house. It had been a long shot this stakeout, they only had it third hand that this was the location that the brother of their suspect was squatting in. It had been Kevin’s idea that he might contact his brother, they had been caught together on multiple occasions previously so it had been a good idea initially. But 3 hours later, Hailey’s arse had gone numb, she could go a coffee and was desperate for something to eat.

Kim had kindly shared the bag of cashew nuts she had been nibbling on but what Hailey really fancied was chocolate. She made a mental note to pick some up on the way to Jay’s later. They hadn’t spent every night together for the past few weeks, but Hailey could count on one hand the number of times they had slept apart. They alternated most of the time, although Hailey’s apartment was a little further out from the district so less chance they would be caught together, so they frequented it slightly more often.

They had planned to order takeout that evening and there wasn’t much more of a plan than that but Hailey imagined their clothes wouldn’t stay on for very long. She couldn’t help it, if she spent longer than 10 minutes in the same room as Jay, she was longing to feel his skin against hers. She was insatiable, like a teenager who’d been hit by the hormone train and discovered the wonders of the opposite sex.

‘So how frowned upon is it to date another cop?’ Kim asked abruptly, pulling Hailey out of her Jay filled daydreams.

‘I mean technically it’s allowed,’ Hailey said, treading carefully as she wasn’t sure where Kim’s question had appeared from. ‘There’s issues involved if there’s a difference in ranks or it affects your ability to handle yourself on a case.’ Hailey glanced over at her partner and noticed that Kim was chewing on her bottom lip nervously. ‘What makes you ask?’

‘Well, I think Adam likes me,’ Kim admitted, blushing slightly but Hailey could see the bashful smile peeping through. ‘And I just didn’t know whether to do anything about it.’

‘Do you like him back?’ Hailey asked, suddenly feeling like she had been thrown back into middle school. It was adorable though, she had clocked Adam’s crush on Kim from the moment they had started working together.

‘Yeah,’ Kim said, looking over at Hailey with a smile before turning her attention back to the house they were watching.

‘Then if you want to go for it, go for it,’ Hailey said. ‘But just remember, you’ll have it harder than he will,’ she added honestly.

‘Man’s world,’ Kim huffed and Hailey nodded in agreement.

‘Unfortunately, we get branded differently for doing the exact same thing. But if you think he’s worth it, then sometimes you have to deal with the repercussions,’ Hailey said, but a small part of her wondered if she was talking about Kim’s situation, or her own.

‘Voight’s not a fan of in-house relationships,’ Kim said, her previously happy demeanour vanishing and her shoulders sagging.

‘From what I’ve heard, he’s not a fan of relationships that impact the team or the work we do. If you can prove that yours and Adam’s relationship isn’t detrimental to the unit, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on if he wants to argue about it.’ Now Hailey was certain she wasn’t just talking about Kim.

‘I guess you’re right,’ Kim said. ‘I think he is worth it, he’s so sweet.’ Kim continued to ramble on about Adam and all of his positive attributes for the final 30 minutes of their stake out. It was cute to hear really, Kim was clearly infatuated by the young officer Hailey had brought over from Narcotics. And from what Hailey had seen, Adam felt the same. She would need to have a word with him though. For only having known Kim a short while, she felt unusually protective and she wouldn’t have Adam messing her around. Somehow she didn’t think he would though, kid was like a giant teddy bear.

—————————————————————————

‘How was your day?’ Jay asked when she finally appeared at his apartment that evening, a bag full of chocolate bars from the store on the corner tightly clutched in her hand. They had barely seen each other all day, when she and Kim had returned from their stakeout, he had taken Kevin down to the gym at the academy to teach him some hand to hand combat. He had thought Kevin could benefit from it and Atwater had jumped at the chance for some one on one instruction, especially from a decorated detective like Jay.

‘It was good,’ Hailey said as she kicked off her shoes and dropped down onto the couch with a soft thud. ‘Kim and I had a good chat in the car, turns out she’s got a crush on Adam.’

‘Oh really,’ Jay said, intrigued.

‘Yep, asked me about dating another cop. I couldn’t exactly stand on my soapbox mind you, when you and I almost got caught feeling each other up in the break room,’ she chuckled as she accepted the beer that Jay passed her. Clearly he had been waiting to open them until she got home, she appreciated the small gesture.

‘Well, you looked so good in your jeans. I couldn’t resist,’ he said with a smirk.

‘I wear my jeans everyday Jay,’ Hailey shook her head, still grinning.

‘And I can’t resist everyday,’ Jay said, reaching over to tug her legs into his lap so she was facing him on the couch. She smiled as he ran his hands up and down her calves slowly, his eyes sparkling with desire.

‘But seriously Jay,’ Hailey said, tilting her head slightly to indicate the change in tone in conversation. ‘She said Voight hates in-house relationships. How much shit are we going to be in when he finds out?’

Jay sighed, pulling her legs just a little closer to him. ‘Not enough for him to do anything apart from grumble about it and maybe throw his toys out the stroller.’

‘Really?’ Hailey asked, Jay knew Voight better than she did after all.

‘Really,’ Jay said seriously. ‘Just got to show him how our relationship doesn’t have an impact on our ability to do out job and how valuable you are to the team.’ Jay winked and Hailey felt a small amount of the dread that had been sitting on her chest since her talk with Kim lift slightly.

‘How valuable I am, what about you?’

‘I can hold my own against Hank, I’m not worried,’ Jay squeezed her leg. ‘And we still have one ace up our sleeve.’

‘And what’s that?’ Hailey asked curiosuly.

‘It’s a pre-existing relationship Hailey,’ Jay said, with added dramatic flair and Hailey had to laugh. Somehow even when she started to spiral, Jay knew exactly what to say to bring her out of it.

‘For all of 24 hours,’ she poked him in the side but the smile didn’t shift from her cheeks.

‘And what a wonderful 24 hours they were, do you need me to remind you?’ His eyes darkened and Hailey clenched her legs together subconsciously.

‘I could do with a refresher I guess,’ she flirted back, sliding herself into his lap, threading her hands through his hair and pulling his mouth to hers in a fierce kiss.

#upstead #hailey upton #jay halstead #chicago pd #upstead fic #one chicago #chicago pd fanfiction #upstead fanfiction #hailey x jay #chicago pd fanfic #chicago pd fic #upstead fanfic

[connorandersons-blog]

The Perfect Interview

Connor is offered an interview with an elusive CEO of an upcoming company. He expected many things but not for the man to be absolutely gorgeous and the company to be perfect for him. Hopefully he can keep himself in check for the interview.

Or: You’re interviewing me for a job at your company, but you’re distractingly attractive and all I can picture is us making out on your desk.

(A RK1K fic!)

--------------------------

Connor straightens his tie for the fifth time since he had gotten dressed. Which was an hour and a half ago but he still felt his outfit was a bad decision. It wasn't like he even had that much to pick from, but still. A white button-down, nice slacks, and a tie seemed a bit too plain now.

But he couldn't go back now or he'd be late for his interview. His interview with a very prestigious CEO of a major upcoming company. Connor had heard so many things about the man but never had actually seen him. No one had, it was actually a pretty big mystery.

Connor assumed he'd be an old white man like every other CEO, but he wasn't going to judge. Hell, he was being offered the job interview, no way he was turning this opportunity down. To be head of security and even a possible bodyguard for said CEO was a massive opportunity. He knew he wasn't the only one to have gotten the offer but he had to make a good first impression.

Yet his hands shook as he stared up at the tall building he had arrived at. Connor actually adored the city, he loved having so many places he could go and most within walking distance. He had passed this very building plenty of times but never thought he'd work there.

The skyscraper towered above him as great monoliths of concrete and glass. But there was something rather unique about this one. It has balconies with plants and solar panels, but on the ground held even more green. It had an abundance of flowers meant to attract bees and Connor smiled.

The CEO may be allusive but he certainly cared about the planet, his customers, and his workers. That's what made this so incredible, it was a perfect company to work for. It has gotten threats because of its strong views, hence the need for more (new and improved) security for the company as a whole but also for the CEO.

He took in a slow deep breath before walking into the building. His breath was caught at the enormous tree growing in the middle of the large room. He hasn't expected that, but the tree was definitely real and looked rather healthy too. Comfortable benches with cushions let those sit and relax around the tree. Connor noted a coffee and tea stand that many stopped by. Most also handed over an identical card, while others used cash or something else

Many people roamed around and he was pleasantly shocked at the diversity. He even saw several people with mobility aids moving around as well. He felt his heart stutter at the very visible rainbow flag that said 'Love is Love'. Damn, he really wanted to work here.

Now to meet the CEO, well the receptionist who would send him up to the CEO's secretary who would then let him see the CEO. So, two people, he was guaranteed to meet first.

He walked up to the counter with a confident and friendly smile on his face. Though, his father had said he had a 'derpy smile and should stick with a indifferent face'. "Hello, my name is Connor Anderson and I'm here for an interview." His voice didn't even shake!

The woman looks up and smiles gently at him. That's something odd about her. No, not odd, different, and inquisitive. It's almost like she can see into his soul, it kind of makes him want to turn tail and run.

"Hello, it's wonderful to meet you. You will do well, Markus is on the top floor, you're free to go up now." She nodded towards the elevators and Connor couldn't help but give her an awkward smile.

That was a bit ominous but he shrugs it off as he makes his way to the elevators. There aren't many people in there but none seem too shocked he's going to the top, instead, they seem curious. Not in the cruel way some older adults are, but simply wondering who he was. He was a new face and it seemed plenty of people knew each other as they talked softly.

The elevator ride isn't long but it still feels like an eternity before he reaches the top. The top floor doesn't even have that much in it, not that Connor can see. There is a meeting room, which Connor assumes holds the most crucial meetings. There is the room where assumes the CEO will be behind, and three others that he can see.

There is also the secretary's area which is as large as a room but without a door. He walks up, and the woman sitting there looks up. Her face is fierce and almost stern as she looks him over. If he didn't know any better it would look like he was meat and she was deciding if he was good enough to eat or not. Not in the sexual way, though, he got massive lesbian vibes off her.

Her name tag said North, that was a unique name but oddly fitting and rather pretty too.

She is stunning, frown and all. Her strawberry blonde hair drapes over her shoulder in a loose braid, one perfectly shaped eyebrow raised. "Anderson. Connor Anderson, right?" She asks.

"Yes, that's me. I'm supposed to have an interview at 2?" He didn't lean on the counter, simply stood with his arms by his side, trying to appear open.

She nods and types something on her computer. "Alright, you can go in." She nodded to the door and Connor beamed at her.

"Thank you." She gave a small nod, watching him attentively. Damn, she could be security with the intensity of her stare. He definitely wouldn't fuck with anyone behind that door.

He knocked before entering, closing the door behind him. Oh shit. He would gladly fuck the man sitting there, though. His skin was a beautiful color, making his two-colored eyes stand out even more. He wore a wine red, slim-fit, three-piece suit. He had a black button-down making him look even sharper. He sat there in the aristocratic cutting lines of a great tailor, showing off the best parts of him.

The man had shoulders for days and when he stood up with a smile Connor was ready to melt. Or even drop to his knees. He was most definitely not a white old man.

Hot CEO who cared about people? Yeah, Connor was swooning. He also had a small scar over one of his eyes that had Connor transfixed. "H-hi, my name is Connor. I'm here for an interview." God, he was gay. So very, very gay. He was actually bi, but right now he only had eyes for the man in front of him.

"Markus Manfred, it's wonderful to meet you, Connor." He offered a hand that Connor readily took. It was so warm and a bit thicker than Connor's own. He didn't want to let go, but holding on too long could be a red flag. "Please sit."

Connor nodded and sat down, feeling spectacularly undressed. Though, he'd love for Markus to undress him even more. "Thank you for having me. I must say, I was a bit surprised at the offer and the fact my interview would be with you personally."

He expected a manager or someone for HR at least. Not that he wasn't absolutely thrilled at this, he'd gladly meet Markus again and again.

Markus's laugh was what he assumed angels sounded like. "It is a bit different, but I think that's how most see the whole company. Since we would be working so close, I prefer to get a feel for you myself."

'Please feel me up,' Connor thought, his face flushing at the thought. He needed a cold shower and a slap to the face. "I think what you've done is admirable, it's far more than most would do."

"Far more? You believe there is more I could do?" Markus leaned forward on his desk, a small upturn to his lips. Those lips probably would feel so good on his own, or kissing down his neck.

Right, he needed to focus. Connor wasn't one to stay too quiet about his opinions even in the face of very powerful men. "Yes, you are very secretive, which I can understand. But there aren't nearly enough men of color in power that is shown. I believe you could do a lot of good as a role model for youth of color."

He himself was white, but he tried to stay up to date on the world and attempted to use his voice to amplify those who were silenced.

Markus's eyes widen at Connor's words. "I'm… I have thought of that. Thank you for your honesty, it's definitely refreshing."

Connor smiled and gave a humble nod. "Of course. If anything, I pride myself on my integrity." So being blunt played off, thank god.

Markus gave a deep hum. What would he sound like getting sucked off? Was he the loud type or was he silent? This was so inappropriate, but Connor couldn't seem to stop. "I can see that. Now, I've read over your resume, your qualifications are… impressive. May I ask why you quit your last job?"

And there it was. Luckily he doubted this would actually be too much of a problem. "My boss was manipulative and was known for sexually harassing female workers. I confronted him about it and he denied it, of course. The women are currently in the process of filing reports with the police." He was still in contact with multiple of them. Echo and Ripple were sweet girls and didn't deserve what happened to them.

Markus frowns and leans back into his chair. "I see. I can promise that will not happen here. If it does it will be handled and sent to the police as well. We have a zero-tolerance policy." He smoothed his hands over the desk and Connor followed his hands. They'd feel so excellent holding Connor, maybe even have Connor sit on the desk.

Still, they went through the normal interview questions. Before each question Connor paused, head tilted to one side just a smidge, and then he delivered an articulate answer. He honestly thought it was one of the best interviews he's been in. Other than the whole fantasizing thing. It was almost natural, their back and forth.

Connor ended up learning a lot about Markus, including that he didn't like being called Mr. Manfred, and he really wanted to get a pet at some point. Connor talked about himself, saying how he had a dog he snagged from his father every other week. It was almost like a date, and a really good one too.

Still, the urge to lean across the desk and kiss the man senseless was powerful. So strong he couldn't stop biting and licking his lips. He knew he was being obvious, but Markus hadn't called him out on it.

There were pictures on his desk too. A few caught his eye. The first was a picture of Markus in plain clothes with North and two other people. They were all grinning widely and leaning into each other.

Another was of Markus and one of the men in the pictures, he was pale with blonde hair, he was leaning into Markus and placing a kiss on his cheek. Markus was laughing in the picture and someone with dark skin, Connor assumed the other man from the first picture, held up bunny ears behind both of their heads.

It was oddly adorable, seeing Markus so relaxed with his friends. Connor hoped to see that side of him too one day, even if he didn't get the job.

"I will say," Markus grinned, cocking his head to the side, "you are the best I've spoken to so far." Connor didn't think he was lying either. That bode well for the job, which could lead to a friendship then maybe even more. "It has been absolutely wonderful meeting you," he handed over his card, "I'll give you a call when we've made a decision."

Connor took it as he stood, looking it over. It was a simple card, it wasn't one you'd give out to everyone. If Connor's instincts were right, then the number printed on it would be Markus' personal cell. "Then why are you giving me your number?"

"In case you want to call me." Markus tipped his head, his eyes seemingly sparkling.

"Oh." Connor bit his lip, flushing a deep red. Perhaps Markus was interested too, in more than Connor getting the job. It would be far from professional, but Connor knew how to keep the two separate. Hopefully, Markus did too. "Ok, thank you."

Markus offered his hand again and this time they both lingered, staring at each other. Connor broke away first, chuckling. "I, yeah, ok. I guess I'll hear from you or you'll hear from me." Either way, they would talk again.

He couldn't help the smile that was covered his face as he left the office. He glanced at North who raised an eyebrow at him again before snorting. "Oh thank god, he needs to get laid," North muttered but Connor still heard. He hid his smile before walking back to the elevator. Best interview ever.

#dbh rk1k #rk1k fic #rk1k dbh #rk1k #dbh rk1000 #rk1000 fic #rk1000 #RK200 #markus rk200 #dbh rk200 #rk200 x rk800 #rk800 x rk200 #connor rk800 #rk800 #RK800 Connor #detroit become human rk800 #rk800connor #dbh markus #detroit markus #markus x connor #connor x markus #markus #markus manfred #detroit become human markus #Connor Anderson #connor army #Connor #dbh fanfic #dbh fandom #dbh fic

[lbat1901]

Rantception S1•E1 - princeofmints exposed | ft. TatSquirp

(I am about a month late on posting this here)

Welcome to the first episode of my brand new series titled Rantception where I talk about a topic or some unfortunate soul who became a total jerk as of recently. I am starting this series off by talking about the user by the name of princeofmints.

princeofmints is apart of the Eddsworld community and they are apart of the official EW Amino, Tumblr, and Instagram. Unfortunately princeofmints is in some hot water right now.

Oh and before I get to that, I just want to make this clear, the princeofmints that I am referring to isn't the one who made tomtord p*rn. This princeofmints is actually accused of tracing and being a total d*ck.

Also they got banned from Amino, but they are still going strong on both Tumblr and Instagram.

One more thing: don't harass them. Instead I want you to stop supporting them. Don't not praise them.

With that out the way, let's get into the news.

I unfortunately didn't know any of this drama that happened till seeing callout posts about it. But I used to like princeofmints's posts until what happened recently.

I decided to to take a look at their wall after seeing a few callout posts on them before they got taken down.

Annnnnd yeah.....they are such an arsehole. Just...just look at these screenshots....

(the third one is my favorite in terms of arsehole energy that's being radiated from it)

I'll be honest with you, the third is the one that show the bitterness of princeofmints. Trying to guilt trip you. I'm sorry to say this, but it's not working. Nice try.

Now I'll handing the rest of this over to the one and only Squirp/TatSquirp who've agreed to be on the show and I certainly didn't kidnap them.

Squirp: ...Why am I here? Why am I tied u-

Lbat1901(me): Shhhh! Just give the audience your side on this

Squirp: Ok, fine...*clears throat*....so a week ago, I've made a callout post exposing princeofmints titled "Dethroning a Prince". It took me awhile to everything and not too soon after posting it on Animo, I've also posted it on Instagram.

Oh boy...it got taken down. No actually I got told by a model on Animo to take it down which I did while on Instagram it got flagged for harassment. I eventually reposted it.

princeofmints (or what I like to call her, Prince) is a 15 year old artist who mostly draws Tom, Tord, and the ship TomTord. She was on the EW Amino since January 13th of this year before getting banned. S

Alright with that out of the way, I'll try to make this brief

She also has been known to cause quite the trouble.

I have been caught up to speed on what Prince has done even learning th as t she had actually scammed someone.

I believe that Lbat told you this already, but Prince's name was stolen by someone who has the same name, but let's dwell on this.

Part 1 - Tracing:

Squirp: Ok so, a few days ago some of my friends and I looked at one of Prince's art and discovered that it was traced from an already existing drawing made by P-Nim. Of course Prince denied this and claimed that it was her own art.

Ok I'll make this clear, Prince didn't draw it for a DTIYS. If Prince didn't trace it then she shouldn't be claiming it as her own.

Also if you want to compare posts or have a look for yourself, you can't cause she deleted it. So much for being reasonable which goes into this next part....

Part 2 - Blocking those who've cornered you for being unreasonable:

Squirp: Oh yes, just like TBATF, Prince also blocks people for calling her out. Unlike TBATF who only block people for giving them criticism and calling them out on their behavior, Prince blocks people for many reasons.

One of them being totally unreasonable. She blocked one of my friends who called her out for tracing. Prince even deleted several comments when trying to defend herself for being called out before deciding to hit the block button.

She even blocked me after I tried to call her out on her wall. I did PM her a few days later about and guess what her response was. The reason why she blocked me was because she didn't like me.

My god....that has to be most stupidest as all hell reason to block someone and folks, we're on the second part on this and things are already getting heated.

Part 3 - Being a b*ch isn't all that cool:

Squirp: Hold on a minute, why is b*ch censored?

(Editor: that's because it's Lbat's show and I am meant to help with anything that Lbat puts out for everyone to see)

Squirp: Yeah, but why? Who cares anyway?

(Editor: well you're probably have a point, but it's my job. Now are you going to continue to argue or are you going to keep going with your side of the story?)

Squirp: I am...geez! I've never meant an editor that's who picky. This isn't YouTube with the whole COPPA thing you know.

Anyway..... pt 3....Prince has to be one of the biggest d*cks that I have ever talked to and- oh my god, why would you censor the word- forget it. Forget it...

Erm...yeah....she cursed at some many people that it's just mindboggling. She's not the most pleasant person to talk to on Amino or anywhere else.

Before you say that she probably has some mental health issues, don't even bother. Well I know she does has some issues, but it doesn't give her the excuse to not be a total d*ck. People who do have issues are at least well spoken and are respectful to others.

But Prince on the other hand, not a freaking single chance.

Part 4 - Stop acting sad:

Squirp: You're probably thinking to yourself, "Wow, Prince is a jerk" and you'd be right. But to make matters worse, she likes to guilt trip people.

How? Well she tries to make you feel sorry for her by giving you a sad sad tale before deciding to cuss you out.

That's right, it's pretty low for her. I don't need to explain why this is bad just because it is. It's really scummy especially when she's in the wrong here. Next!

Part 5 - Don't let Prince do commissions. EVER:

Oh yeah, she actually did this. I did found the person who got scammed and they are a person known as BadBoy.

You see BadBoy commissioned Prince to do a drawing for 92 coins. Unfortunately for BadBoy, Prince said that the price was actually lower than that. But it gets much much worse than that.

Prince got wicked with them and refused to give other pieces of art to BadBoy. Eventually BadBoy had enough and asked for a refund. That's when things started to escalate really fast.

Prince told BadBoy to piss off. After a long battle, Prince gave BadBoy 72 coins back when BadBoy asked for a full refund.

Squirp: I have been saving this part for last and it gave me a reason to make a callout on Prince in the first place. She literally scammed someone over 72 coins.

In summary, Prince just stole BadBoy's money and was a total d*ck towards them.

And that should do it for now, but I one final message to Prince. If you're reading this now while getting harassed for being callout for your crap: none of this, and I stress this a lot, none of this wouldn't have happened if you were to just act a tad bit kinder and a whole bit wiser.

Oh and maybe if you would've just listened. Also running away from your problems, lying, and pretending that they didn't happen makes you look like the bad guy here.

You know, I wouldn't mind you being on Animo at all if you just shallow your pride and try to do better by apologizing to everyone.

I didn't mean to make my callout post to hurt you in a way. In fact, I still believe that you can change. But atlas, your problems need to be addressed to make that happen.

All you need to do is try. That's it. That's all I ask for.

Lbat1901(me): *claps* Nicely done, Squirp. Nicely done.

Squirp: Thanks Lbat. It's been a pleasure being on here. Now can I go home now?

Lbat1901(me): Uhh.....*walks away from Squirp and walks out of the room before shutting the door*

Squirp: Lbat? Uh Lbat? Lbat? This isn't funny! Untie me! Hey cameraman, you're still here. Untie me, please

Camraman: *shrugs before shaking their head*

Squirp: What do you mean no? Ugh!

{screen cuts to Lbat sitting in a chair}

Lbat1901(me): Well that's the end of the first episode of Rantception. I want to thank TatSquirp for coming on and helping me out. Please check them out on the EW Amino and possibly their Instagram as well while you're at it.

#lbat rambles #lbat rants #rantception #rantception season 1 #rantception episode 1 #princeofmints #princeofmints exposed #callout #callout post #tatsquirp #lbat1901's channel 7 lucky hour

[thechildoflightning]

The Kübler-Ross Model Ch2- Anger

Title: The Kübler-Ross Model [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: background LAMP, Elliot/Mitchell

~~~

Chapter Title: Anger- Chapter Two

Summary: 

Stage Two: Anger- Characterized by high energy and coped up frustrations that begin to pour out by lashing out at others or yourself.

In which Remy is angry about everything.

Warnings: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Verbal Fights, Toxic Relationships (hinted at), Transphobia (mentioned), Exclusionary Rhetoric (mentioned), Ableism

[ao3 link]

~~~

Anger- Chapter Two

“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone says, sounding almost bitter. Remy sighs, at this point already knowing who it’s from. He puts his finger to the screen, sliding it around as he searches for the desired section.

“Voicemail.”

One finger down.

“Daniel Zurko. M-”

Double tap.

“Remy. This is childish and has gone on way too long. I canceled the credit card. I expect you to call me so we can get you home. I get that you’re upset, but this is not the way to deal with it. You think I’m the bad guy but I am doing what’s best for you Remy, I always have. You need to grow up. You’re an adult now, act like one. Call me. Come home. Now.”

-

Moving into the dorms is a surprisingly low-key event. Remy gets to move in early, as does Kai, so they're not trying to get things done in the time most of the freshman are piling in. It’s a lot nicer that way. They don’t have people on top of them- actually they have pretty much no one on top of them- and that lowers Remy’s stress by a lot.

Except, this definitely wasn’t something he’s stressing about.

Okay, maybe he's been stressing about it a little bit.

It’s well- it’s just this an entire new place and the campus is huge. He’s visited a few times now to start getting a layout, but he knows it’s going to take weeks before he can find his way around with ease. It’s nice to start on that when no one else is here yet. It gives Remy space and he feels a little bit less self-conscious.

(It’s stupid that he feels self-conscious at all, he shouldn’t, but he does, so there’s that).

Kai and him get their dorm set up and decorated as well.

Or well- it’s mostly Remy setting things up while Kai comments snarkily from the corner that the bed doesn’t line up perfectly. (They had to move everything a bit to make space for Cha-Cha). Remy doesn’t really mind because it’s nice to see Kai relaxing. He seemed uncomfortable and unsure when he admitted that he couldn’t do any of the heavy lifting, so Remy takes the return to teasing as a good sign.

They decorate the dorm next and it’s fun and it’s easy and Remy’s really thinking he’s found a friend in Kai. 

Then Kai falls silent.

“Kai?” Remy asks when he stops making comments every two seconds.

“Yeah?”

“You good?”

Kai hesitates and Remy frowns. Remy’s about to ask a follow up question, but Kai beats him to speaking.

“Hey so, I brought two pride flags. I was hoping I could put them up in our room.”

Oh.

“Of course,” Remy says easily.

“I- yeah?”

“Yeah. Kai we’re literally in gender-inclusive dorming right now. But I mean, even if we weren't, yeah of course you can,” Remy insists, voice firm and even.

“Okay,” Kai says. He relaxes. “Okay.”

The tension in the room evaporates and Remy breathes out.

“Which flags?” he asks, curiosity peaking.

“Trans and demiboy,” Kai tells him.

Remy didn’t know you could be both trans and a demiboy. But that's probably better to google than to bug Kai with right now.

“I didn’t know there was a demiboy flag,” he admits.

The comment seems to perk Kai up and he explains to him the dark grey-grey-blue-white-and reverse of the demiboy flag. The two of them hang the flags up together. 

Kai gives him a hard time about hanging one up the wrong way and it takes Remy a solid minute to remember that both flags are reversible. He flips Kai off and scowls. Kai just laughs. The conversation turns casual once more.

“Oh!” Kai says at one point, moving quickly to sift through a bag on the other side of the room, “I got a thing and you can tell me if you hate the thing and if so I can return it, but you said that you have some light perception so…” he trails off.

There was a pause for a moment where neither of them said anything.

“Thoughts?” Kai eventually asks again.

“On?” 

“Ah man- you can’t see it?”

“Don’t know if we’ve talked about this yet but I’m blind actually,” Remy snarks back.

Kai groans.

“No just- okay catch.”

“Please tell me you’re not about to chuck something at a blind person Kai.”

The object lands softly next to him on the bed. Remy doesn’t know if that was intentional, or if Kai just failed to hit him. Either way Remy sighs and picks it up. The object is a box and has a thin circular button at one corner, but he still has no clue what it is.

“They’re fairy lights,” Kai explains, “Sorry. You said that you liked light and I thought you’d be able to see it because you said that you could see light.”

“Some light,” Remy says. He holds it up to his eyes and now he can barely see little tiny specs of light. “And I can kinda see it now. Is the box completely clear?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Uh…”

“I told you I liked light. You went out of your way to get fairy lights for our dorm. It’s an awesome idea, not your fault my eyes don’t work.”

“Yeah but the gift kind of failed.”

“Well if you like them we can still keep them. And if not- well you said you can return them? Depending on where they’re from we can see if we can find fairy lights I can actually see,” Remy suggests.

“Oh my gosh we could- there was a ton of options.”

Remy nods and stands up.

“Okay, where too?”

“Right now?” Kai asks.

“I mean it depends on where you got these, but yeah? I mean we have the time.”

That they do, now that they’ve mostly finished.

“Target. So there’s gotta be one locally.”

They spend a few minutes online, figure out the address, and then Remy’s getting up to go. He gets Cha-Cha in her harness and grabs his things before opening the door for a swing and waiting for Kai. Kai joins him at the door, hesitates for a second, and then grabs something right next to the door. At first Remy thinks it’s the bag, but Kai’s already holding that. Remy exits after him.

“I have a cane,” Kai says quietly. Which okay- that was the object by the door.

“Okay,” Remy says. “Do you want to take the bus?”

“No.”

Remy listens. He knows if it were him, he would just want somebody to listen.

“Okay. Where’s the Target?” 

Kai takes the lead and they’re off.

The Target is massive. But also Remy’s depth perception is shit so maybe it’s that but he’s pretty sure this is the largest Target he’s ever seen. By a lot.

“Holy shit this place is huge,” Kai remarks.

Remy murmurs his agreement. He hadn’t really known what living in a college town would mean. He’s starting to think he understands.

They make a beeline for the fairy lights which take up almost an entire aisle. They mess around, pressing all the buttons to light them up and see what their options are.

“I can’t see any of these,” Remy admits after a while, “The lights in here are too bright. But brighter and bigger is better, so if you find something that-”

“Remy there’s rainbow ones. Come here, come here, they’re shaped like rainbows.”

“We’re getting those.”

“They’re not that bright.”

“I literally do not care.”

They get the rainbow-shaped ones.

They head back- both a bit too excited about the rainbow-shaped lights to be considered socially acceptable. But also fuck socially acceptable so whatever. They’re adults and they can enjoy fairy lights. Step off.

Kai and him are talking when he suddenly stops and leaves Remy’s side.

“Hi,” Kai says, “Are you moving in today too?”

“I- uh- yeah- hi,” a person stutters.

“Oh cool! I’m Kai. He/they pronouns but he right now.” The jingling noise that follows is indication that Kai holds up his pronouns necklace. “And this is my roommate.”

It takes a second to long for Remy to realize he’s supposed to introduce himself. 

“I’m Remy,” he says, turning to face the stranger. “He/him.” 

Something inside of him clenches hard when he says those words. Clenches hards, grips his heart, and burns. It burns so much, choking Remy that he almost misses the strangers next words.

“I’m Elliot,” the now not-stranger says, “They/them.”

“Nice to meet you Elliot,” Kai says.

They don’t get must further in conversation because another person speaks up.

“El, hon? Who’s this?”

“I’m Kai, he/they, he right now. This is Remy, he/him. We just moved in here across the hall.”

“Oh you get to do that whole move in early stuff too? You’re blind, right?”

The second question is obviously directed at Remy, so he answers both.

“Yeah and yeah.”

“Huh. Well I’m Mitchell, I’m his boyfriend.”

A boyfriend who just misgendered their partner apparently. But Elliot doesn't say anything and Remy just met them so he doesn’t say anything either.

“Uh, nice to meet you,” Remy offers. Kai offers the same pleasantries.

“Okay. Well Elliot, we should get to finish moving you in. You still have a lot of stuff and if you’re going to make me help you I don’t want to be here all day.”

“If you need to go you can,” Elliot says.

“What, you trying to get rid of me already? Plus come on, you’re not going to be able to do it all yourself. And you’re wasting time. Let’s go.”

“Okay,” Elliot says, “Yeah.”

“He’ll talk to you later,” Mitchell tells the two of them.

“I- Right,” Kai says, “Well, Elliot I- we’re just down the hall. 204. So, anytime, pop by, yeah?”

“Yeah alright I-”

“Yeah he might, bye.”

“Elliot seems nice. But Mitchell doesn’t seem like the nicest guy,” Kai comments when the other two have presumably exited earshot. Remy gives a shrug and a slight nod in response. He pulls out his key and finds the lock on their door before pushing it open with a swing.

“Fairy lights?” he asks.

“Fairy lights,” Kai agrees.

Remy still ends up not being able to see them all that well- though they were certainly better than the first set. But rainbows, so he counts it as a win.

When they’ve finished decorating their room, Remy relaxes on his bed and pulls out his phone. He plugs in his headphones and opens google. Kai had both the trans and demiboy flags. Remy wants to know what that means.

He researches a lot about being non-binary and trans and he reads a lot about the exclusionist who demand you have to be identify as binary and experience crippling gender dysphoria to be considered trans. Everyone else is just faking or special or being dramatic. He thinks of Kai and he frowns. He ignores the exclusionists.

He finds celebrations of being trans and non-binary and being happy that way. He finds non-binary people who consider themselves trans and others who don’t. He finds the range of non-binary from androgynous presentation to falling to the extreme sides of masculine or feminine. He learns that people can also be assholes about that, about how many people expect non-binary people to look “watered down male.” He learns that non-binary looks like anything and everything. He finds people who are trans that use all sorts of labels. He finds people who are trans and are binary. He finds people who are trans with all levels of fluctuating dysphoria, stages of transition- including not transitioning at all, and more.

He learns that there’s so many more ways to be trans than he previously thought.

He hates it.

He hates it because it means something to him, means something to him more than just being an ally. 

The transgender umbrella is amazing and beautiful and there’s so many people who have so many experiences, some they share, some they don’t. It’s a wonderful community and it’s gorgeous and Remy-

He’s angry.

He’s so fucking angry. Because he’s Remy and he’s a boy and he’s eighteen and he’s lived this way his entire life and this is who he is he’s Remy and he’s a cis guy and-

And what if he isn’t?

He squeezes his phone tightly in his hand. Hard enough apparently that Kai asks if anything’s wrong. He starts to answer no when he gets a phone call. From his dad.

He hits ignore angrily and stands up, shoving his phone in his pocket.

“I’m going for a walk,” he announces, and barely takes the time to grab his shoes before he’s slamming the door behind him. He doesn’t even bother with Cha-Cha, grabbing his cane instead.

-

That first week goes fast and soon enough everyone else moves in. They meet a few people, and start talking to Elliot. When Mitchell’s not around Elliot’s really funny. When Mitchell is around they short of shut down and Remy hates it. A little fire burns in his chest each time it happens. 

They go to the freshman movie night and both Elliot and Kai are already learning to give a shitty description of what’s going on on screen and they all laugh and the people next to them hiss at them to be quiet. It’s okay. It’s nice.

Before long, classes start and Remy remembers how frustrating it can all be.

He’s been working with disability services since he committed to the school. Over the years he’s learned that early is almost always better, because everything just takes time and then there’s issues and delays,  it’s a long process. 

It’s also Remy’s first time doing this alone and he makes mistakes and he feels like an idiot and he can’t help but hate his dad a little bit because he’s been asking to do some of this himself for years now, to get used to it, get some practice. His dad had always refused and now Remy is woefully underprepared. 

It reminds himself of when he was first going blind. When everything was new and confusing and he constantly felt lost and alone. 

It’s been years since he felt like that. 

He doesn’t like feeling like that. 

He figures the accommodations out in the end and gets the things he needs to set up. Note taker, permission to record, extra time, accessibility devices approved, and requests to all his professors to have things ready and accessible. It should all be good to go. But, there’s of course hiccups because there always is. And a week into school, he still doesn’t have notes from one of his classes.

It’s absolutely infuriating.

Because now he has a paper to write and he has to listen to the entirety of three separate lectures to find the things he needs.

It sucks and it’s unfair and time consuming and Remy hates it. He clenches a fist as he pauses the recording and goes back once more. 

It’s something so small but it makes him so goddamn frustrated.

He plays it again but he can’t hear it this time because at that exact moment Kai laughs from his corner of the room where he’s skyping his girlfriend.

He pauses the recording.

“Can you be quieter?” he hisses out, “I’m trying to write a paper.”

“Yeah. Sorry Rem. Want me to put in headphones?”

It’s a nice offer.

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Kai agrees. He gasps a bit when he stands, pauses for a moment. Remy doesn’t restart his recording and listens, slightly concerned. But Kai moves after a moment, grabbing his headphones from the desk next to Remy. He’s limping slightly.

When he returns to his bed and has the headphones in, Remy takes a breath and presses play.

And pauses a moment later because Kai’s a bit too loud again. It’s unfair- Remy knows it is- because Kai’s really not that loud. But it’s loud enough to be distracting and Remy cannot deal with this tonight.

“Can you shut up?” he snaps.

“...I ...Uh?”

Remy is so angry.

“Whatever. Forget it,” he huffs. He saves his work and shuts his laptop with a snap. He shoves it, his braille display, and the recorder in his bag. He grabs his phone and shoves it in his pocket. Grabbing his bag he heads for the door. He barely spends the time to get Cha-Cha in her harness.

“Remy- come on- wait-”

“I’m going out,” he hisses. The door slams behind him. It seems to be doing that a lot lately.

“Oh hey Remy,” Elliot says almost the moment he’s out the door. 

“I’m going to the library,” Remy grumbles and moves past them. 

“Okay,” Elliot says, running a few paces to catch up with him, “Can I join you? I have this thing for religions and-”

“No. You can’t join me,” Remy snarls, and pulls away. 

Elliot stops, stumbling for words behind him. Remy leaves them behind. He doesn’t feel bad. He doesn’t.

He goes to the library and finds a corner that’s empty. He sets his things up and tries to focus. 

He still can’t. 

He had to keep rewinding and replaying the lecture because he still doesn’t have the notes even though he was told he’d start receiving them a week ago. He checked again the other day and he was told he’d definitely have them by today. 

He doesn’t have the notes. 

He doesn’t know what to do. 

He’s mad and he’s angry and he’s frustrated and he’s so pissed and he thinks it’s a bit extreme but definitely not unreasonable. He hates this. Hates it. 

He used to hate being blind. Over the years he’s learned that’s not the part that frustrates him. It was scary at the time, sure. But losing his sight wasn't the upsetting part- the upsetting part was being in a world who wasn’t willing to meet his needs. A world that was certainly able to meet his needs, or attempt to if they really couldn’t, but wasn’t willing to even try.

It’s ableism that he hates, not being blind.

With a sigh he packs up his things. He’s not getting anything else done tonight. He pulls out his phone and messes around with it a bit, trying to ward off the creeping frustrations that are starting to overwhelm him. He feels choked up and he’s not sure why. 

Then he gets a call.

For a millisecond he thinks it might be Kai. 

God he was a dick to Kai wasn’t he? If Kai’s calling him Remy can apologize. He can make things right and things will be fine. It’s fine. 

It’s his dad. 

Remy chucks his phone. 

It’s extreme and so fucking stupid but he’s suddenly furious and he doesn’t know what to do about it. His phone goes skittering across the floor and the two people quietly murmuring near him fall silent. Remy sighs and hates himself a little bit.

He takes a breath.

It doesn't help.

He takes another.

It doesn’t help. Nothing’s helping.

He has Cha-Cha get his phone.

When she brings it back to him he checks it for cracks and then goes to his contacts. He finds the one he needs and double taps to call.

The phone rings twice before it’s answered.

“Hey,” Remy saus, “I- can I spend the night at your place?”

“Yes,” is Virgil’s immediate response, “Are you safe? Do you want a ride? I’m not home right now but I can text Patton.”

Remy checks the time. It’s not too late. The cool air will probably do him good anyways.

“I’m safe,” he confirms, “No to the ride. I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay,” Virgil says. He pauses, “Love you Remy.”

Something burns in his throat.

“Okay. Okay yeah,” Remy chokes out. He hangs up and blinks back tears, refusing to cry. He wants to scream. He doesn’t- everything’s just so much right now and he doesn’t know what he’s feeling anymore.

He packs his things up. Grabs Cha-Cha. Heads to Virgil’s apartment.

On his way there a random person grabs him by his shoulder and asks him if he needs help. He grits out a terse “no.” He gets a “well you don’t have to be rude about it. I was trying to help!” Remy’s teeth grit further, making an odd little screeching noise and causing pain to run all throughout his mouth. He doesn’t risk saying anything more, and just pushes past the stranger.

He knocks on the door when he arrives. He still has a key, but doesn’t really feel like digging through his bag. 

It’s Patton who greets him.

Remy shuffles off his shoes at the door, mind blurring. He hears Patton say something about Virgil and the library, he should've texted you- but Remy misses all the details.

“Hey Remy, are you okay?”

Remy is not.

He’s going to tell Patton he’s fine. He is. He promises he is.

He doesn’t end up saying that, but even he isn’t expecting what he says next.

“Patton, how did you know you were trans?”

“Oh,” Patton says, “Oh.” 

And that’s when Remy finally bursts into tears.

~~~

taglist below

-ask to be added or removed-

@mewithanie @eddies-spaghetti @lemonyellowlogic @savioursailor @goldteethandacurseforthistown @you-betcha-weirdo

#ts remy #ts sleep #ts sides #sanders sides #kai #elliot #mitchell #cartoon therapy #ts virgil #ts patton #colupdate #jksf #grief cycle #angst #fluff #hurt/comfort #fanfiction #fan fiction #mywriting #my writing #ao3 #ableism #blind remy #anger #transgender #queer

[vgckwb]

ML: Are They Worthy? Chapter 54: Paris Needs.../Secret Keeper (A Hero Like Chloe, Part 1)

The day had finally come. Paris Pride. The whole city was buzzing with energy. Of course, there was school, which was relatively uneventful. Beyyo managed to inform Mylene, Marc, and Ivan that they passed throughout the day. Once school was done however, everyone was planning the rest of their day.

Adrien was waiting outside with flowers for Marinette. Marinette ran up to him. “You shouldn’t have,” she said.

“Well, you sounded so upset” Adrien said. “I just wanted to cheer you up.”

Marinette took the flowers. “Thank you.”

Adrien got a tap on the shoulder. It was Chloe, and she looked nervous. “Um, Adrien?” She asked. “Could you come over? I need your help with something.”

Adrien was concerned for Chloe, but also Marinette. He looked at Marinette and Marinette said “Go ahead. We have tomorrow. See you at the parade” Marinette said, walking home.

Adrien looked at Chloe “Well, should we get going?” he asked.

“You know, you shouldn’t let your girlfriend control your life” Chloe said, as the two of them headed to Chloe’s limo.

“I wanted to be with her” Adrien said. “She’s been feeling stressed out lately.”

“No kidding” Chloe whispered under her breath.

“What was that?” Adrien asked.

“Nothing!” Chloe said. They went to Le Grand Paris.

Vlad caught Marinette walking alone. “Is everything alright?” he asked, catching up with her.

“Yeah” Marinette said. “Chloe just needed to talk to Adrien is all.”

Vlad thought about it. “I bet it’s about Chloe’s plans for this evening.”

“Care to inform me?” Marinette asked.

“I don’t want to ruin the surprise” Vlad said. “So, since you’re free, how about we take these back to your place and then you can help me sell shirts until the parade starts?”

“I’d love that” Marinette said. The two continued to Marinette’s.

The limo arrived at Le Grand Paris. Adrien and Chloe walked out and made their way to the elevator. “So, what's this about?” Adrien asked.

Chloe shushed him. “Not here” she said. The elevator dinged and the two walked to Chloe’s room. Chloe made sure to lock the doors and windows.

“This seems pretty serious” Adrien said.

“It IS pretty serious!” Chloe said. She sat down. Adrien sat across from her. “So, I had the idea to tell all of Paris I am gay.”

“Wait, ALL of Paris?” Adrien said. Chloe gave him a snide look. “Sorry. I guess that is a big deal.”

Chloe regained her composure. “I had made a secret plan with Vlad to make a big speech at the end of the parade as a secret guest speaker. But now, I’m starting to have doubts…”

Adrien looked his oldest friend over. To him, she was a lot of things. Fragile. Brave. Timid. Bold. Despair. Hope. She was all of this. Chloe has made a lot of mistakes, but she has become a better person for it. Otherwise, Vlad wouldn’t have given her the miraculous that sits on her head. To see her like this? Adrien couldn’t stand it.

“Nonsense” he said. Chloe looked up at him. “You’re Chloe Bourgeois! You’re one of the bravest people I know. You were there for me when no one else was. You can do this!”

Chloe smiled. “Thanks Adrien.”

“I think this idea is great” Adrien said. “It’s so you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m just glad I can finally take Sabrina out on dates in public” Chloe said.

“If you’re having one tomorrow, don’t go to L’Arcane” Adrien said. “Unless you want to double up with Marinette and myself.”

“Pass” Chloe said. “You two deserve some time alone together. As do Sabrina and I.”

“Very well then” Adrien said. “Do you want me to stay here until you’re ready?”

“Nah” Chloe said. “You go on and meet your girlfriend to watch the parade.”

“Actually, we’re in it” Adrien said. “Marinette’s bi.”

“Oh” Chloe said, taken by surprise. “I see.”

“You OK?” Adrien asked.

Chloe nodded. “Now more than ever. Thanks Adrien.��

“I’m always here to help” Adrien said. He left the room.

Chloe was giddy. If Ladybug is not straight, then I don’t need to worry about a thing! She thought to herself.

Meanwhile, Marinette and Vlad were selling shirts. “So, how is Pride back in Toulouse?” Marinette asked.

Vlad looked at Marinette. “Toulouse Pride is great, but I have a feeling Paris Pride will be better.”

“I see” Marinette said.

Vlad sighed. “I just hope they’re doing alright.”

Marinette put her hand on Vlad’s. “I’m sure that they’ll be fine.”

Vlad smiled. “You’re right. Although, I’ll be sure to check on it tonight.”

“Sounds great” Marinette said.

Mylene and Marc walked up to the stand. “I’ll take a ‘My Boyfriend is Bi’ shirt” they both said. They looked at each other slightly embarrassed.

Vlad smiled. “Sure things. Marinette?”

“Oh, right” Marinette said, getting shirts for the two of them.”

Mylene smiled. “Thanks” she said.

Marc, who was still slightly embarrassed, shouted “Thank you!”

“It’s fine” Nathaniel said, walking up to him. “Don’t worry so much.”

“I know” Marc said. “I just don’t want to ruin this.”

“You won’t” Nathaniel said. “You’re amazing. Just be yourself.”

Marc nodded. “OK” he said.

“Now, let’s head over to the parade” Nathaniel said.

“Alright” Marc said. The couple walked off.

“Ready to go Mylene?” Ivan said, coming over.

Mylene dragged Ivan over. “You should get a shirt too” she said.

“Well, OK” Ivan said. “Do you have just a Bi-colored shirt?”

“Indeed we do” Vlad said. He got one out and gave it to Vlad.

“Thanks” Ivan said. He put it on. Mylene put her shirt on and then put her hoodie back on over it.

“Well, seeya” Mylene said. They left.

Kim and Ondine walked over. “Kim? Ondine? What are you doing here?” Marinette asked.

Onidine seemed nervous. Kim put his hand on her shoulder. “It’s OK” he said.

Ondine smiled. “I’ll take a trans color shirt” she said.

“And I’LL have a ‘My Trans Girlfriend is Cute’ shirt,” Kim said.

“Sure thing” Marinette said.

“Something about you shirt Kim” Vlad said. Kim looked confused. “It also says ‘And You Can’t Tell Me Otherwise’ written on the back.”

Kim lit up. “Cool!” he said. They put their shirts on. “What do you think?”

“It looks great on you Kim” Ondine said.

“Thanks. So does yours” Kim said. The two walked off.

Soon after, Adrien walked up. “Hey Marinette. Ready to go?”

“Sure” she said.

“I should head out as well,” Vlad said. “It would be embarrassing if I wasn’t there.”

Marinette giggled. “So, who’s taking over for us?”

“I just texted the group, and someone said they’re on their way. Let’s go!” Vlad said. The trio made their way to the Parade.

On the screens around town, the mayor addressed the city from Town Hall, where the parade was ending. Chloe was inside City Hall, waiting for her moment. “Citizens of Paris” Mayor Bourgeois called out. “I declare that the Paris Pride Parade begins NOW!”

The parade started. People with an assortment of flags, shirts, and other identifiers took to the streets. There were some floats, and atop one of them, representing the modeling agency he works for, stood Vlad. Vlad was greeted with many cheers.

“Well, he certainly love attention” Adrien said, walking in-step with his bi girlfriend.

“Yeah” Marinette said. “I think it suits him.”

“I know I wouldn’t want to be up there right now” Adrien said.

“I wouldn’t want you up there either” Marinette said. “You’re place is right here, by my side.”

Adrien smiled. “Of course.” Marinette leaned on him.

However, in the city skyline, a villain was waiting in the wings. She had long, wavy, purple hair, was wearing an orange trench coat, black gloves, black shoes, a silver locket around her neck, a white mask with three keyholes, two to resemble eyes, and one for a mouth, and she was holding a giant key. She looked down on the parade, simmering with anger.

“Secret Keeper” Hawk Moth said, contacting the villain. “If you want to take your vengeance, then maybe you need some help. My associate Mayura is on her way.”

Mayura had made her way to the building across from Secret Keeper. She plucked a feather, fused energy into it, and blew it over to Secret Keeper. It fused with her locket. “Hello, Secret Keeper. I am Mayura. I can sense you feel frustrated.” Secret keeper gripped her key tighter. “With your permission, I can create a being to help you sort out your frustration.”

“Do it” Secret Keeper responded. Mayura smiled and out of her locket, a blue-black cloud formed.

As the parade continued, loud stomping noises could be heard. Everyone was looking for the source. Coming around the corner was Secret Keeper, riding on the shoulder of a sentimonster who had a yellow door for a head and a giant body, with sharp fingers and toes. The body was primarily yellow, but had a multicolored pattern running across its body. “RUN!” Vlad called.

The parade and the surrounding crowd ran amok. Secret Keeper jumped off of the sentimonster. She started hitting people with her key. However, instead of causing any sort of injury, these strange orbs flew out of people. Secret Keeper told everyone “Don’t worry. Your secrets are safe with me.” She was juggling the orbs in her free hand. “Closet Monster! She called. The sentimonster turned its attention to Secret Keeper. Secret Keeper threw the orbs to Closet Monster, who then opened its door-mouth and swallowed them. Secret Keeper and Closet Monster kept going with their attack.

Adrien and Marinette were running away. Secret Keeper had caught up to them and was about to attack. However, Alay jumped in the way and got hit instead. Secret Keeper took hold of the orb Alya produced. “Huh.” She said.

Marinette and Adrien grabbed Alya and ran off. Secret Keeper was about to give chase when Judgement Wolf shouted “Hey!” Secret Keeper’s attention turned to him.

“Well well” She said. “I know you’ve got some secrets. Have at you!”

Meanwhile, Marinette, Adrien, and Alya hid. “I think we’re safe” Marinette said. “Alya, are you alright.”

“I think so” she said. She looked at Judgment Wolf fighting Secret Keeper and took out her phone to record.

“Alya! There’s no time for that!” Marinette said.

“Yeah, but Ladybug might show up!” Alya said. “I can’t miss that.”

“Alya, what are you doing?” Adrien said.

Marinette had a grave realization. “Oh no. Remember when the villain said ‘Your secrets are safe with me.”

“You don’t mean?” Adrien said.

Marinette nodded. “That orb contains all of Alya’s secrets.”

Adrien’s mouth hung agape. “Alright. You jump in. I’ll give Nino a call and see what we can do.” Marinette nodded, and left.

Meanwhile, Chloe was watching the attack on TV. “Of all days” she said, furiously. This was supposed to be a day of peace and unity, and Hawk Moth was turning into a day for fear and chaos. “This is ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous!” She looked around and made sure nobody was there. “Pollen!” she called.

“Yes, my liege” Pollen said, popping out.

“I think it’s time” Chloe said.

“Your word is my command” Pollen said.

“Pollen! Buzz On!” Chloe called. She transformed, but something felt different. She went to the mirror and took a look at herself. He legs looked the same as Queen Bee, but everything else was different. She these honey-colored gloves that extended to her elbows. She had three stripes on each side of her torso that grew thicker the further back they went and eventually joined on her back. Also on her back were four designs in the shape of wings. The black streak in her hair was joined by a streak of golden honey. Finally, the biggest difference was that instead of a domino mask, she had a pair of goggles that were in the shape of honeycombs and also honey-colored.

“This… wasn’t what I was expecting,” she said. “But no matter. I still have a city to save!”

Just as she was about to leave, Sabrina burst into the room. “Chloe, are you alright?!” she said. She looked at this hero that was new to her. “Who are you?”

Chloe was confused. “I...I am Honey Bee!” she said. “I am the new user of the bee miraculous.

“Oh,” said Sabrina. “Is Chloe alright?”

“Chloe’s fine” Honey Bee said. “You need to hide as well!” Honey Bee pushed Sabrina.

“WAIT!” Sabrina called. “Where is Chloe?”

Honey Bee panicked. “There’s no time. You need to hide!” She shoved Sabrina in a closet. Honey Bee was on her way out when she whispered “I’m sorry Sabrina.” She left.

Judgement Wolf and Secret Keeper were dueling it out. Judgement Wolf saw Mayura out of the corner of his eye. “Mayura!”

Ladybug tied up Secret Keeper and dragged her into a punch. “Ladybug! So good to see you” Secret Keeper said.

“Give everyone their secrets back!” Ladybug said.

“Secrets?” Judgement Wolf said.

“Those orbs contain people’s secrets” Ladybug informed her colleague.

“I see” Judgement Wolf said. He glanced at Mayura again. “Ladybug, do you have it from here? I’m going to try and track Mayura!”

“OK” Ladybug said. Judgment Wolf jumped off. “It’s just you and me!”

“I think you’re forgetting someone” Secret Keeper said. Closet Monster walked up behind Secret Keeper.

“Oh” Ladybug said. Secret Keeper fed Closet Monster Alya’s secret orb. “HEY! Give that back!

“Why should I?” Secret Keeper said. “Secrets give people stress. I’m simply relieving them of their stress.” Ladybug growled. “Of course, as a hero, I’m sure you have plenty of secrets. No matter. They will be mine, soon enough!” Secret Keeper charged Ladybug, but Ladybug dodged.

“You mean, Alya doesn’t know she’s Rena Rouge?” Nino said.

Adrien nodded. “I don’t know what we’re supposed to do,” he said.

“Well, I have an idea.” Adrien and Nino turned their heads to the voice to see Trixx. “Let’s just tell her this is her first time, or that she lost her memories, or something. She’s still Alya underneath all of it!” Adrien and Nino nodded.

Alya was filming Ladybug vs Secret Keeper when her batteries died. “Stupid phone” she said.

“Alya” said a voice Alya turned around to see Cat Noir and Carapace. Cat Noir continued “This may be hard for you to believe, but we need your help!”

“Are you KIDDING?!” Alya said. “I’ve always wanted to help. I mean, there was the time I was Cardboard Girl, but like REALLY help!”

“Ummmm, here’s the thing” Carapace said. “You have helped before.”

“What?” Alya said.

Trixx popped out. “You’re Rena Rouge,” she said.

“I am?” Alya said.

“Yes!” Trixx said. “And that villain took that information away from you!”

“Oh no!” Alya said. 

“Don’t worry. We’re going to get it back” Trixx said. “But we need you out there!”

“But how?” Alya asked. “If I’ve forgotten…”

Trixx gently touched Alya’s hand. “You’re still you,” she said. “And THAT’S what makes you a hero.” Aya smiled. “Now, all you have to say is ‘Trixx! Let’s Pounce!’”

“Trixx! Let’s Pounce!” Alya called out. She transformed into Rena Rouge. “Woah! I really am Rena Rouge!”

“Now let’s go!” Cat Noir said. “Ladybug needs our help!” Cat Noir leapt into the fray.

Carapace held Rena’s hand. “Don’t worry. We’ll help you every step of the way.” Rena Rouge nodded and the two joined the battle as well.

Ladybug kept dodging attacks from Closet Monster. Just as Secret Keeper was about to hit Ladybug, Cat Noir blocked it with his staff. “Sorry, but I’m the only one who’s allowed to have the key to her heart!” Rena and Carapace also arrived.

“Rena?” Ladybug said.

“Don’t worry about it!” Carapace said. “She’s still Rena.” Ladybug nodded.

“Well well. It appears that I am outnumbered” Secret Keeper said. “No matter. I can distract you all. Closet Monster!” The sentimonster looked at Secret Keeper. “Go eat whoever you can find.” Closet Monster turned around and started grabbing and swallowing people. “Oops.”

Ladybug scowled. “Come on, we gotta go! Cat Noir, take care of Secret Keeper while we save everyone! Rena! Carapace! Follow me!” The three left to follow the sentimonster.

“Looks like it’s down to the two of us!” Cat Noir said.

“Indeed” Secret Keeper said. The two locked weapons and continued to fight.

Suddenly, a zipping noise was heard. Secret Keeper looked over her shoulder. “Huh?” Honey Bee was propelling herself with her top and kicked Secret Keeper in her mask. Honey Bee landed safely.

Cat Noir jumped to her position and said “I know that’s you in there, because Judgement Wolf told me,” he said, “but what’s with this? Wait! Did Chloe give it to someone else?”

“No!” Honey Bee said. “It’s me, like you said. I don’t know what happened either.”

“Well, whatever the case, thanks for showing up” Cat Noir said.

Secret Keeper got up and saw the two heroes. “A NEW bee miraculous user! What fun” Hawk Moth said. “Secret Keeper! Subdue this impostor bee and take her miraculous as well!”

“As you command, Hawk Moth” Secret Keeper said. “Cat Noir! Miss Bee! Have at ye!”

“It’s Honey Bee!” she shouted.

“Honey Bee?” Cat Noir said.

“It slipped out and I’m sticking to it” Honey Bee said.

“Just like honey” Cat Noir said.

“Whatever” Honey Bee said, rolling her eyes. She leapt into action, as did Cat Noir.

Judgement Wolf was catching up to Mayura. “Reveal Claw! Reveal Your True Form!” Judgement Wolf tried to strike Mayura, but Mayura got out of the way. Judgement Wolf doubled back and tried again, but Mayura dodged again. Judgement Wolf kept trying to hit Mayura, but Mayura kept getting out of the way just in time.

“What’s the matter? Can’t keep up?” Mayura taunted.

“I’m surprised you can” Judgement Wolf said. “Considering what that miraculous is doing to you.”

Mayura’s expression soured. “Did Hawk Moth tell you?”

Judgement Wolf nodded. “If you let me do this, I can save you.”

“Funny” Mauyra said. “If you do that, then I can’t save Hawk Moth!” Judgement Wolf kept trying, but Mayura kept getting out of the way each time.

Eventually, Judgement Wolf’s miraculous started to beep. He also lost sight of Mayura. “GAH!” he said. He left the area, having failed what he came to do.

Once he was safely away from prying eyes, he let his transformation go. “It’s OK” Beyyo said. “We’ll get her next time.”

Vlad smiled. “Eat up” he said, giving his kwami some food. “We’ve got a villain to stop.” Beyyo chowed down on his jerky.

Ladybug, Carapace, and Rena Rouge caught up with Closet Monster. Closet Monster kept eating people. “We’ve gotta stop them!” Ladybug said.

“But how?” Rena asked.

Ladybug thought. “Well, this always helps” She said. “Lucky Charm! A lock pick?” Ladybug noticed the keyhole on the door. “Got it! We just need to lure it to us.”

“That, I think we can handle” Carapace said. “Rena.” Rena turned to Carapace.

Carapace whispered a plan into Rena’s ear. “That’s a great idea!” she said.

Meanwhile, Cat Noir and Honey Bee were holding their own against Secret Keeper. “This isn't working” Cat Noir said. “We need to find the akuma, and fast!”

Honey Bee thought about it. “Ah! Cat Noir, you go on the offensive. I’ll use my power while she’s distracted. Then we can search her!”

“Good idea!” Cat Noir said. Cat Noir drew his staff and charged at Secret Keeper. Honey Bee ran around to her side.

After trading a few blows, Secret Keeper and Cat Noir were once again locked in combat. This gave Honey Bee the perfect opportunity. “Venom!” she called out. She rushed up and stuck Secret Keeper. This caused her locket to fly up. Honey Bee saw this, and grabbed it off of her. “I think the akuma’s in here!”

“Well, let’s get it to Ladybug!” Cat Noir said. The two ran off.

Carapace stood to the side of Closet Monster. Rena Played her flute and called out “Mirage!” An illusion of secret orbs covered Carapace. “Yoo-hoo! Monster-thing!” Closet Monster looked at Rena. “There’s this big juicy pile of secrets just for you.”

Closet Monster bent down to munch of the secrets, but that’s when Carapace called out “Shell-ter!” Closet Monster’s door-mouth was now clamping down on the Shell-ter. “Ladybug, NOW!”

Ladybug nodded and ran up on the Shell-ter and jumped on the door. “Alright, let’s see what happens if I unlock you” she said. She used the lock pick to unlock the keyhole on the closet door. Closet Monster looked shocked, let go of the Shell-ter, got up, and started stumbling around. It then started vomiting up people and secret orbs. Once it was done, it fell to the ground.

Carapace let down his shelter, and saw Rena’s secret orb. He rushed over and grabbed it. “Rena, catch!” he said, throwing it.

Rena was confused, so she didn’t catch it with her hands, but once it hit her, she absorbed it. “I remember!” she exclaimed.

“It’s good to have you back” Ladybug said.

“Ladybug!” Honey Bee shouted. The heroes turned and were shocked to see a new bee-themed hero with Cat Noir. “The akuma’s in here,” she said, throwing  the locket.

Ladybug didn’t have time to question it. She caught the locket and destroyed it. However, only the amok was in there. “That’s odd” Carapace said.

“Well, at least that eliminates one of our problems” Ladybug said. “No more evildoing for you, little amok! Time to de-evilize! Gotcha! Bye bye, little feather.” Closet Monster disappeared.

“Wait, so where’s the akuma?” Honey Bee asked.

At that time, the Venom was wearing off on Secret Keeper. She ran toward the heroes. “Ladybug!” she shouted, getting the attention of all the heroes. She raised her key, and was about to strike, but Judgement Wolf came in, and knocked the key out of her hand.

Ladybug looked at the lock pick, the locket, and the key flying through the air. “That’s it!” She used her yo-yo to grab the key. “Cat Noir! The akuma’s in the key!” She flung it toward him.

“Got it! Cataclysm!” The key flew to him, and he hit it.

The akuma flew out. “No more evil doing for you, little akuma” Ladybug said. “Time to de-evilize! Gotcha! Bye bye, little butterfly. Miraculous Ladybug!” She threw up the lock pick, and the magic Ladybugs fixed all of the damage caused by Secret Keeper and Closet Monster.

Secret Keeper reverted to a young girl with purple hair, an orange hoodie, a purple shirt, a dark blue skirt, white socks, and black shoes. “Ugh…” she said.

“Pound it!” said the six heroes.

“Secret Keeper wasn’t the key to your defeat, Ladybug” Hawk Moth said. “But one day, I will learn ALL YOUR SECRETS!”

Rena’s and Carapace’s miraculous started to beep. “We gotta go” Rena said.

“Seeya” Carapace said. The two left.

The remaining heroes approached the young girl. “Are you feeling alright?” Honey Bee asked.

“I think so” she said.

“What happened?” Judgement Wolf asked.

She sighed and took out her locker. She took out her key and opened it, revealing a girl with long blue hair and an orange headband. “This is my friend, Jasmine. I kind of have a crush on her” she said. “I’ve been too afraid to ask her, because I don’t want to lose our friendship. I was thinking about telling her today, because it was Pride day, but I got scared and ran off. I was so frustrated with myself. I guess that’s when Hawk Moth got me.”

Ladybug was surprised. She then smiled. “Don’t worry” she said. “I’m sure you can do it!

“In fact, I know you can!” Cat Noir chimed in

“How?” the girl asked.

Cat Noir whispered into Judgement Wolf’s ear. “I getcha” he said.

“Don’t worry. Judgement Wolf and I will find someone to help you out” Cat Noir told the girl. The two left.

Ladybug and Honey Bee’ miraculous started to beep. “We should get going soon” Ladybug said. “Are you OK by yourself?” The girl looked scared. “I guess not.”

“I’ll stay” Honey Bee said.

Ladybug shook her head. “I have more time. You should get back to what you’re doing.”

“Are you sure?” Honey Bee asked.

Ladybug nodded. “Go.” Honey Bee left. Ladybug met the girl. “What’s your name?”

“Abrial” she said.

“Well Abrial, what kind of things do you like?” Ladybug asked.

“I like nature” Abrial said. “I like going on hikes. Whenever Jasmine and I go out, she has trouble sometimes, but I always help her.”

“That sounds fun” Ladybug said.

Cat Noir returned with Vlad. “This is the guy I was telling you about earlier.

“Sup” Vlad said. Ladybug was confused.

“Well, we should get going” Cat Noir said, putting his hand on Ladybug’s shoulder. He winked at Ladybug. Ladybug nodded and the two walked off.

“So, Cat Noir tells me you’re nervous because you have a crush on your friend and you’re afraid to tell her” Vlad said. Abrial nodded. “Well, as it just so happens, so did the mystery speaker. If it’s alright with you, I can take you there.”

Abrial looked down. “Maybe we should call my parents,” she said.

“Good Idea” Vlad said. “Maybe we can meet them at city hall.” Vlad and Abrial set the plan up.

Vlad walked Abrial to his float, and snuck her into the car driving it. “This is Abrial, Joshua” Vlad told the driver. “She got lost during the attack, and we’re taking her to city hall to meet her parents. Got it?” Joshua nodded. “Good. Now let’s roll.”

The mayor appeared on the TV again. “After the delay, caused by the super villain, I declare the parade to be re-opened!” The parade resumed. Despite the attack, people were still having fun.

Abrial looked out the window. She could faintly make out the crowd cheering and supporting those in the parade. Despite the fact that they didn’t know she was there, she felt appreciated as someone who likes other girls for the first time.

Honey Bee returned to City Hall and de-transformed. She nervously rushed out, but then remembered Sabrina. She opened the door and found her, holding onto an old hat she found in the closet. “Thank goodness you’re alright,” she said, hugging her.

“I’m just glad you’re alright” Sabrina said.

Chloe let go and looked at the time. “AH! I’ve got to give my speech. Are you OK to come with me?”

“You go on ahead” Sabrina said. “I’ll catch up with you.”

“Great. Thanks” Chloe said, rushing out the door. Sabrina looked upset, but she smiled.

The parade ended, and everyone was gathered at City Hall. Vlad got off his float and opened the door to get Abrial. Ready Abrial?” he asked. She nodded and got out of the car.

“Abrial!” her mom cried out. She ran up to her daughter and gave her a hug.

“Thank you, young man” her dad said.

“Don’t mention it” Vlad replied.

“I now present to you, the mystery speaker!” the mayor said. Everyone clapped. Mayor Bourgeois was surprised when he saw Chloe walking out. “Chloe?”

“Move!” She demanded. She approached the podium. She gulped. She was still nervous. However, her eyes spotted the girl who was akumatized. She knew she had to do this. For people like her. “Good evening Paris!” she said into the microphone. “You might know me as a brat who demands everything, and cares for no one. However, I was only like this to avoid my true self. When I was ten, I discovered I was a lesbian. I was afraid of what people were going to think. I was afraid my parents would reject me, and the people would only pretend to be nice to me because of my power and influence. So I became mean, because I didn’t want people pretending to be nice to me. However, I recently came out to my classmates, and they have been nothing but kind and supportive to me. I have learned that being myself yields the best results.

To those of you who are hiding who you are, I say this: Tell someone. It will make you feel better. There are plenty of supportive people. People will be willing to help you. And to those of you who are out, I’ll say this: You are absolutely perfect, just the way you are!” Chloe flashed a genuine smile. The crowd applauded and cheered.

“Is it just me, or does Chloe seem kind of cute like this?” Marinette asked.

“I’ll say” Adrien said. The couple giggled to themselves.

Abrial looked at Chloe with awe. If someone like the mayor's daughter struggled through this, that means I’m not alone. She looked determined. Alright. I’m going to tell Jasmine! Vlad looked at her and smiled.

“Chloe, I had no idea” mayor Bourgeois said.

“Do you still love me?” Chloe asked.

“Of course I do, princess” the Mayor said. The two hugged.

Suddenly, City Hall was covered in a purple-black aura, and everyone gasped.

#miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug fanfic #Vlad #Beyyo #Marinette #Adrien #Chloe #Pollen #Sabrina #Alya #Trixx #Nino #mayor bourgeois #Mylene #Marc #Nathaniel #Ivan #Kim #Ondine #Hawk Moth #Mayura

[juistheseminarian]

Eccentric, part 2 : now I’m here

I was planning to be done with this by now - both with this article and with the illness. I can’t believe that it’s been almost 15 years and I still get people congratulating me for acknowledging that I have an issue and going it’s-the-first-step-to-recovery, which they’ve learned was an appropriate thing to say since you don’t want to stand there and be embarrassed like I do with my boyfriend’s mom when she starts crying (which she does a lot). I’ve stirred things and realized things and I intended this to sound like a sort of retrospective from a place of unadulterated success. But guess what! 

I ended the last bit on my return from anorexia and lasting relationship with a psychologist I described as abusive, although that may be excessive and may come from the resentment of a long therapy seemingly not having “worked”. I started seeing them around age 12, before the eating disorder really declared, and i was referred to them at the end of an endless session of musical chairs through which I met many, many ‘emergency’ professionals whose schedules couldn’t accommodate another patient. I had to tell the whole story every time as if I were filing a police complaint or justifying an ailment that had long thinned beyond recognition, losing more of its meaning every time; I worried often, and I still do, about making myself sound ill enough to be considered, knowing I was taking their time when they could be curing people with actual issues. 

Having been sent to therapy after the school phobia I developed as a 5 or 6-year-old, and then again as a 12-year-old, and on and off ever since, means I’ve barely lived without framing my every breath as something to be treated and fixed, analyzed and made normal, insufficient, dependant, bending the wrong way. I entered this longest bout of therapy as a child and left it a decade later as a child. I believe for the first few years the psychologist was reliable if a little too set in her ways: there was no talk of medication outside of an apparent agreement to exclude it, which comforted my irrational fear of treatment with just as little medical basis as I previously had. However, her patient-based approach helped me feel like this time around it wouldn’t be an issue if I wasn’t “really” anything, or that’s how I viewed it at first. I don’t mean to dismiss the entirety of what happened there, only, you know, the bits where a refusal to diagnose me lead to a refusal to treat me, which in turn lead to desperation to fit me into the superstitious ramblings of an unstable person who refused to treat herself. Fuck that person. Call it what it is. 

I resented the amount of information she gave me about herself, the description of her previous marriage leading up to ten years of unhappiness she couldn’t get out of, the description of her current partner’s superior attitude, the way her life was a mess and the way I viewed her as honest instead of genuinely intrusive. She’d offer to pay me to iron her clothes, she’d talk to my teenage self about her finances, about her gynecological health, and I listened, and my mother became concerned. By then she had framed my parents as unable to understand me the way she would, she whose child had run away from home and I had to know all about it, apparently. I defended her. 

After the anorexia bit I grew alright for a while. I went to high school, I had a boyfriend, I neglected my own friends in order to make him my first priority at all costs, in short I was playing my role very well. My writing got noticed, as it should be, and I was exempted from english class, as I should be. I was bad at maths, I was good at history, I enjoyed latin class, I had friends I looked cool to because of the whole having had sex thing. Over one year my boyfriend and I had split up and I saw a few boys from my grade, most notably a wreck of a teen who regularly said he could be doing this with any of my friends and prided himself for using me “as an experiment”. When I broke up with him to go have the world’s least satisfactory sex with a friend of his, he called me crying hundreds of times. He had read somewhere that cool people had open relationships so he wanted one: when I took him up on that he said I disgusted him, turned around cause he “couldn’t look at me”, and masturbated in my bed. It was terrific. I was a sheep in shame’s clothing. 

There were the “can we do this without a condom”s and the “I want to see you shove that shower up your vagina to clean out the danger and I’m watching you”s and the “I can’t believe you cheated on me”s (he was kind!) and the “I’m storming out of your birthday party because you and your friends are little bitches”s. I don’t like how this is taking the same turn my life took - revolving around boys and men the second it got the chance, which is something I still haven’t worked out today as I live under the constant scrutiny of my several imaginary sugar daddy-leaning role models, but I’m keeping that topic for next time. This is, of course, she says in a white girl voice, about me. 

During the last year of high school, the boyfriend and I broke up for good because I had fallen in love with a guy we had met at a music festival and had pursued email after email. I felt glorious cracking the shells of emotionally unstable dudes and making them rely on me for subcontracting introspection: now I take “you’re the closest friend I’ve ever had” as a red flag, poisonous edible paper that dissolves in my water tank and kills me. It seems I do know better now, and it seems no woman ever told me that, and I keep being scared of them, and I keep being gay too, that’s my life’s familiar ghost. I’ve never gone far enough to confront the very real fact of loving women: I saw it as a kid when female nudity made me react, when I didn’t feel any sense of belonging with either boys or girls, when I felt like a monster. That desire is different because I don’t let it exist. Funny i’m only mentioning it now. What’s it like to be out to yourself? 

Do you relate to princesses? To female leads? Sometimes I can’t allow myself to replace fictional characters cause how realistic would it be to have the man of the story want to fuck me when my buttcrack isn’t even shaved? Obviously that would never work. Obviously cinderella’s ass is smooth. I never feel polished enough, or good enough an actor, or intelligible enough: expanding like a red giant, I feel like a stomach with needs, and the picture is grotesque - nothing like those Degas ballerinas. Dripping, eating itself, round but not motherly, the hunchback from Ken Russell’s the Devils is too feminine next to me. Suppose i’m fattening from storing all that shame. 

***

These days I resent the other diseased. Everyone hates my uncle cause he’s got it too and he drinks and he takes medication that people view with contempt; he lets himself die but it never seems to work even though he acts like it. Somehow something is still barely holding his limbs attached, miraculously, precariously. And my friend’s mother too, brain locked in a hamster wheel, hanging on to people like smeagol consumed, no longer in touch: filtering words like a beekeeper, only letting the crazy in. She makes me afraid to give birth. Would my children grow with a devolved being, Lovecraft’s blind cave-dweller, who once was human and is now condemned to live? Avoiding it in hallways, fearing it under their bed? 

By the fourth year of the relationship with festival boy my anxiety had become the decisive factor in every single move I made. I could no longer travel, be spontaneous, laugh, orgasm or breathe. The lump in my throat had grown bigger than I was and my face felt numb, I evaporated, I had emergency doctors drive a camera through my nose only for them to confirm I was choking myself this whole time. It really felt strange: like you’d have tried to swallow turkish delight but it piled up in your throat, invisible. The doctor wrote: patient known for anxiety. I thought: great, now when I die for real they’re gonna think i’m crying wolf and also they’re gonna be right. Fortunately enough, I then was relieved from the constant imminence of choking, you’d never guess how. 

I called a therapist my mom had taken me to when i was about 12 and we both liked her a lot - serious and a little intimidating in just the right way, a little soft yet clearly not one to let me bullshit my way out (my mom liked those). I was in the uni hall with some friends when her assistant called me back and scheduled an appointment for me later this same week: it was a huge deal. She remembered me. I suddenly felt safe, suddenly felt myself slip from my own consciousness like the narrator in Janice Galloway’s depression book when she enters a clinic: she’s no longer her own problem, or so she thinks at first, before realizing care never comes in the shape we expected. 

I started treatment almost immediately and was in shock at the realization that I did not need to suffer any more. I wasn’t aware, I didn’t KNOW of the existence of medication that would prevent me from spending hours and hours in inescapable pain, contorting my body between screams and frantic sobs, persuaded I was about to die a solitary death that’d leave me to witness my loved ones moving on in relief. Everything around me felt temporary and fleeting and treacherous. And most of all, each of these occasions were a trial for my failure to live, and I sat accused as my chrysalis life developed before me, never free, never daring, hidden, waiting. Every time, I realized how much I was missing out on. Every time I was too tired to seize the day after recovering and just dozed, scrutinized always, for a respite I knew would be short. My idea of living was a xanax in front of any distracting tv show: suddenly sleep was warm, and I wasn’t dying, and things lifted by the tornado gently fell back into place, and disappeared. 

(river) Oh, I got plenty of help. Therapists and medications and EMDR and - hypnosis and transcendental meditation. Nothing made me feel better (...) I feel everything. There just wasn’t enough positive emotion to balance me out. (payton: so it wasn’t because of me?) (river) no. you were my only relief. (“the politician” (2019) ep.6) 

My trust in festival boy was broken: I felt that if I was ever overcome with the looming fear and froze, he wouldn’t help. I have no idea if it was true: I’m very prone to blaming others for my feeling abandoned, often with no relation to their behaviour. I never could learn his language (i’m sure I can now) and the required travelling to see him became too much, even though we had met through travelling and didn’t feel at home anywhere. This continent of my life was infected and we steeped in sepsis for months and months, resentful, picturing other people when we touched, searching for admiration elsewhere. It’s the worst thing you can do to a bond, demand things from it when it’s dead, as if it was gonna answer. You know it’s been dead for months but when you try and bury it, you can swear you saw it squirm, and then it’s gone, and you took out the doubt. 

In this case I didn’t, Martin did. Martin was an old friend I knew through my first partner, and he came back into my life with an exact timing, like he was taking up an offer I was about to throw at someone else. It was all i wanted, car rides at night, feeling desired, watching him on stage, not being shamed. Comfort and help and reassurance, feeling small next to him, and knowing for certain that he understood: everything he says I take seriously, because there’s no way he doesn’t know, I could never lie, and I don’t want to. Well - I omit a little bit since that’s what it takes for me to grow guilt-free: I’m a fangirl and have never felt the need to stop, I let the obsession continent drift and crash, and perhaps it will become submerged and perhaps it won’t. Point is, I can defend it now, all the pieces I feel,I’m no one’s moodboard. 

I took a step back and realized I had no way of relying on the trope of a positive ending to this,  since there isn’t one. I see no perspective for myself, and I recently understood why antidepressants were considered a risk factor for suicides. It did make me indifferent to things that used to be matters of life and death: school grades, my weight… I care, and I don’t. I gained over 10 kg that sports don’t affect at all: I run all the time, cycle all the time, and it piles up forever, and I don’t recognize myself. I don’t fit in myself anymore. I don’t want to celebrate this thing i haven’t chosen and that I can’t deal with, and when I start thinking about it I end up in a frenzy. I just pretend it’s not there, but I feel so heavy carrying all that me. 

It’s a good time to be lost, if you’re okay with it. I’m not. I’m not free enough to be lost: I’m merely pulling on my leash and choking myself, looking at the shop displays, window shopping for life, shiny presents in a snowy christmas street, the others singing while I watch. I watch, I drift off, they see me lose focus, we’re too tired to get me back. There’s so much to experience and when I look back, so much I’m glad I’ve done before realizing I was doing it, because clearly it would be too late by now. I’m not a recluse by choice: I’m one of the weak ones, the eternal witness, or a loser, depending on how you see it. I like both. I think taking myself as seriously as i do now is both a symptom and a cause of why I’m such a bore: what’s so bad about looking stupid? I do it all the time while trying to not look anything at all. It’s not that deep, if I do say so myself, and as you’d expect, I never do. Ah the clever girl’s burden, say the adults, and together we mock the monster we’ve created and the monster takes it personally. 

So see, that’s where I’m at: no longer can I lazily bask in the excuse of a shitty partner, this time it’s on me, it’s on being sick, it’s on being sick without an excuse. My parents support me. My partner supports me. My friends would support me if i let them anywhere near me. But I take the crazy and I give it an incubator, I show it films with role models of crazy so it can grow and grow and finally make me special, isn’t this what I do? Look at joaquin phoenix and lose weight, I tell it; you’re not very good at the crazy, looking so plump and healthy. At least show your scars: they’re fading, it’s been over a decade, so now what, we’re just gonna look like someone who should get a makeover without the moving story of why they’re neglecting their appearance? What’s funny is, I’m actually a very ambitious person, mediocre is my rock bottom - listen to me when I tell you. There’s no such thing as effortless when effortless is a mountain.

(payton: i’m scared.) (river) don’t be. There’s more honor in defeat than there is in unused potential. (“the politician” (2019), ep.8) 

My therapist recently told me that if I was catholic I’d be in trouble. Duh, right? Jokes aside, she went: then people would see you as a waste because you do nothing with your force. You wouldn’t be allowed to just have that and not live it. I pondered: don’t you think I know that? Is more guilt really the solution? 

I know i want things. I know I love things, and people, and sounds, and places, and smells, and being alive. But do you see the difference between ‘knowing’ you shouldn’t be doing something, and understanding it in your very flesh, by experience, growing from it with the intimate conviction that it’s something you must stay away from? I know those things, and I don’t feel them really. I’m a fast learner, I’m a semi competent person, I can almost seem okay in a group. But I have shackles for lungs and I have concrete for breath. It’s got brutalist charm and warmth almost doesn’t spread. 

So that’s where I am with the dreams I have and the love I feel and the way it won’t come out. I suppose I’m awake but I’m not quite there. Martin feels it first: the pain on his face when I disconnect is breaking my heart. He’s just trying to bring me back. I’m loved. I’m locked away. And once my arms break I’ll dig my way out with my teeth if I need to.

#my writing #mental health #juistheseminarian

[wethesoc-i-ety-blog]

List of LGBTQ+ Media

Feel free to add on to this! Please, if you do, put the name of the source down, and if you want, where you can find it, and some thoughts on it! To clarify, I’m listing pieces of media with:

- Healthy representation - please, no 2018 LeFou. No-one needs that.  - ‘Real’ representation - i.e. not queer-baiting (which is why Voltron should not be added to this list) - Present representation - no gay side characters who are solely present for the purpose of being gay and providing writers with a chance to look diverse, in hard quotations. 

Video:

The Politician (2019)

I binged this on a Tuesday, and I’m an IB Student, so you know it’s gotta be good. 

Starring Ben Platt, the former star of the revolt of a musical Dear Evan Hansen, and his co-star Laura Dreyfuss, this show is absolutely magnificent representation in the sense that it is completely normalising, in a way that made me tear up and laugh and feel deeply inspired throughout and after I was done with it. This show is gorgeous, with a rich colour pallet and a deeply intense sense of fashion; if that’s not enough to make you watch it, it’s basically a run of a US election scaled down to a high school, and at this point (October 26th, 2019) scaled up to a localised senate election, which it does hugely well at representing. 

When I talk about the show being normalising, I mean this: you know character tropes? Twisting, turning plot lines of romances that are usually confined to straight folks? This show throws forth multiple fleshed-out, informed, refined romantic and non-romantic relationships between queer characters, never parading its LGBTQ+ themes for the media but nonetheless including them in a way that I have never seen so whole-heartedly done before and I was deeply impressed by. I won’t spoil too much, but here’s the thing: a wlw relationship, a mlm relationship and a relationship between a non-binary character and female character are all included, and all of them are well fleshed out, meshing well with the story and not just ‘there for the sake of it’, as I know can become an issue. There’s an LGBTQ+ person of colour, too. And I know this shouldn’t be something I have to say, but all the queer characters are played by queer people, and that’s pretty great for media repping. 

I love this show, can you tell? No spoilers - but the first song is a miracle. 

-----

Steven Universe (2013)

She says, running away.

Steven Universe follows, funnily enough, Steven Universe, on his quest to develop the powers he derives from the magical gem on his bellybutton, in order to become a better help to and eventual member of the Crystal Gems, a group of gems taking human forms who fight against the gems of Homeworld, the gem home planet, to defend the Earth, an organisation set up by Steven’s mother, Rose Quartz, whose gem he now possesses. Wild, I know. It gets wilder.

This show started airing in 2013, a relatively-early time for LGBTQ+ media with proper representation of healthy relationships as well as unhealthy ones. It is a kids’ show, fundamentally, so some issues are oversimplified, but in my experience, growing up with this show was fundamental not only to normalising my own sexuality for myself but to understanding what constitutes a healthy relationship. The show is very much central around this concept; what is ‘healthy’, and in turn, what represents ‘unhealthy’ relationship dynamics? On top of that, it also deals with a traditionally feminine protagonist who is male and, from what we understand, straight, combatting masculinity stereotypes which are particularly damaging. A great show to hand your kids or younger siblings, because it’s got a huge plot line, and now that the show’s finished, it lacks the issues of upload schedules which it had had before when new episodes were constantly being produced.

The gems are all ‘feminine’ (though they avoid some criticism, I think, because they’re literal rocks and therefore cannot be gendered) and are referred to as she/her for the length of the series; they undergo a process called fusion by which they can combine their bodies to create a product larger than both their parts, an oversimplified but useful framing of a relationship. These fusions can be forced - unhealthy - or desired - healthy. In this way, gems commonly match up, giving good representation, even if it is slightly forfeited by the fact that they’re not human, to wlw relationships, and in ways that address unhealthy dynamics as well as healthy ones that can also apply to straight relationships. 

The show is heavily left-wing, so if that’s not exactly your thing, be wary. I’m not here to argue about what’s right and wrong about the show - just to say that it’s got good representation, and if you’re down for a little suspension of belief, this is the way to go. 

-----

Love, Simon (2017)

One of the most mature pieces of coming-out story fiction I’ve ever seen. It gets flack because it’s popular, but it’s popular for a reason, and many many many of my friends have had a personal experience with themselves in watching this film. Simon is a teenager struggling with an undercover mlm relationship and with coming to terms with his sexuality while also being a high school student. When word gets out about his sexuality at school, he has to deal with that on top of everything else, too.

If you’re going to watch a teen movie, this is the one to take a stab at. The material is sensitively handed; the show deals with a troublesome parental situation in terms of Simon’s eventual coming out, as well, which is unusual for these types of movies. Usually it’s either radically ‘you’re gay so we want you out of our home’ or ‘you’re gay and we accept you’ but here there’s a good balance between the two that still resolves itself non-problematically, with a great conclusion to the undercover relationship that will appeal to theatrics. This movie also deals with the issue of outing, which is something that surprisingly few people understand well, in a context that is terrifying for the protagonist. He is not prepared to come out, and deals with positive and negative consequences; the movie does a good job at giving both sides equal time, and at producing resolutions to those situations that aren’t unbelievable.

-----

Adventure Time

I have to confess that I stopped watching AT in the same religious sense that I did as a child early on, but I resumed my watching when I reached that queer milestone of recognising characters as gay and seeing Marceline and Bubblegum, as I think they were always intended to be, as those two lesbians we can all relate to. I don’t feel like this is a spoiler because most people know already, and because there are hints from the beginning - it’s just a question of whether or not it’ll be properly fulfilled.I love how they finished the series, because it wasn’t a Voltron ending where the ‘will they or won’t they’ ends in ‘they won’t, because of our producers’, as opposed to ‘they will, because we’re finishing what we started’. No spoilers, but there’s gayPDA, which is important, especially in kids’ shows, because it shows that yes, we do kiss each other, and yes, it is possible. Our faces don’t repel like opposite sides of a magnet.The queer characters are archetyped stereotypically as goth and geek and not as the typical butch and prep thing you see with lesbian representation, which is great because the show is focusing on the people themselves and recognising the LGBTQ+ part of those characters as factions of their personalities, not the other way around, the best way to normalise. Great times.

Youtube:

Thomas Sanders

I, I think like many other older viewers, started watching Thomas Sanders because of his web series, Sanders Sides (which is a whole other boat of representation for mental health considerations, but we won’t get into that), and fell in to his other contact like a little queer magpie clicking on rainbows. 

His video on Pride discusses a lot of useful stuff, in a lowkey fashion, for people all over the spectrum and for those not really sure what the spectrum is. How can I stress that he needs to be shown in schools to groups of young people? He’s all about positivity, respect and being openly proud, not just LGBTQ+-wise but also generally - and his channel features a very diverse group of invested people, so if you’re looking for down-to-earth, unstrained representation, this is where it is. 

mackdoesit

Basically a big ???

Hosting such great video titles as REACTING TO ANTI-GAY COMMERCIALS BECAUSE I’M GAY, Mack is one of those Youtubers you watch when you’re comfortable with yourself and just want to enjoy some gay shit. You can’t go anywhere on his channel without seeing a rainbow flag. If nothing else, he’s great because he is so openly embracing of his sexuality without even needing to state that he is; it’s so evident in how often and how well he talks about it that he’s comfortable and it sets a great example of where you should want to be in terms of yourself, especially if you’re young and uncertain of where you are on the spectrum. 

Miles McKenna

Ah!!!

Miles started his (now completed) transition (ftm) in early 2017, with a video entitled ‘So I’m Trans’, having previously identified as female and a lesbian. I started watching Miles, then Amanda, early on in 2015 because he was deeply constructive as an image of a lesbian role model for me, when I thought I identified the same way; since then, there have been a few changes and I now watch him as a queer icon and as an excellent educational tool.

Miles posted this great video in April of 2018, I AM MILES, showing snapshot clips of his transition over the year since he started T, and it’s honestly deeply emotional, personal and, critically, a great demonstration of transitioning, its struggles, and its benefits for the person going about it. I have learned a lot from Miles - generally and also about myself - and I would recommend his channel to anyone off the bat. There’s some good stuff in there - including a classic ‘things get better’ scenario, because his deeply religious mother, who had rejected him for years on the basis of his sexuality and then transition, has recently started participating in Miles’ videos. 

Eugene Lee Yang (another Youtuber, attached to the Try Guys)

Watch I’m Gay by Eugene. I’m serious. That video didn’t change my life, but it changed my perception of what I needed from queer media icons, and this fulfilled some part of me never touched before.

Eugene is openly gay, and has been for some time; his videos have also centred around his experience as a drag queen, which is a very rarely well-represented field and should be exposed more by people accessing young audiences. Go, watch. He’s good for the soul. 

Books:

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, Benjamin Alire Sáenz

My favourite book. I actually picked this up because a Youtuber I used to watch, John Green (who wrote Will Grayson, Will Grayson, another LGBTQ+ staple which I haven’t personally read yet but intend to) recommended it in a video list. It follows Aristotle (Ari) and his life in Mexico in friendship with a boy he meets at a swimming pool, Dante. They bond over their unusual names and Dante’s proclivity for reading, poetry and swimming; the book follows their friendship’s progress after he moves to Chicago and has to write rather than talk to Ari.

Without spoilers: Aristotle and Dante is this tremendous achievement because it describes a person’s struggle with their sexuality in the frame of international content and masculinity, two things which pose a huge threat in some circumstances to a person’s journey with their sexuality. Both of the titular characters witness a sharp, studied detailing of their progress into accepting themselves, in the context of their lives and stories, in a way that is deeply touching and, on your first time reading it, so cleverly executing that when the moment comes it’s genuinely surprising. I lay down and thought about my life for a few hours after finishing it in one go. It’s not a difficult read - Sáenz writes beautifully - but it is emotionally challenging, so watch yourself.

Please go read it!

-----

Simon versus the Homo Sapiens Agenda, Becky Albertalli

This is the origin story for Love, Simon, so everything I said about her applies the same for this one. I have to betray my book-loving instincts and say that I didn’t actually enjoy the book all that much, at least not as much as I adored the movie - by the time I finished this one, I had already read all the other books on this list and come to the conclusion that I was sated with representation for a while, so I wasn’t really wowed until the movie came out. That being said, if you’re not a fan of movies, the book is just as well-written as the others on here, and honestly provides you with a better-developed story just simply because of the fact that it’s a book. 

-----

They Both Die at the End, Adam Silvera

Before Aristotle and Dante, this was my go-to recommendation for queer reading. Adam Silvera is a beautiful person and writes a lot of good LGBTQ+ stuff, but They Both Die in the End has that quality of life-ending-ness and inevitability about it that makes it devastating to you as you’re reading up to the end, because, obviously, you already know what’s going to happen.

How do I describe this book? Two boys meet each other on their death day, something predicted by a mysterious agency who can’t tell you when, where, or how, except that you will die within the next 24 hours, and it could be in 30 minutes or in 23.5 hours. It isn’t the type of book I’d normally read, and it also isn’t the type of book that has what I like to call ‘the queer outset’, which is nice, because Silvera isn’t baiting his readers. It was this pleasant surprise in the end when you uncover the LGBTQ+ part of it that justifies its classification under the LGBTQ+ shelf at Waterstones. 

It changed my life completely outside the realm of LGBTQ+ stuff, just because I consider every moment more precious, now - but in truth the representation of a mlm relationship here is excellent, and I was and am struck to the core by it.

-----

* I want to put C. N. Adichie’s wonderful (hah) book, Americanah, down. The first use of LGBTQ+ characterisation is in a character from Nigeria connecting a gay man she meets at an event to witnessing the beating of a gay boy at her school in her youth. This is said in passing, but it can be triggering. There is more representation as the book goes on - I include it because it is one of those rare novels where LGBTQ+ people are side characters, but in a way that is incredibly normalising, and not for that ‘diversity’ factor. 

Shows and Theatre:

Everybody’s Talking About Jamie

I have to confess, I haven’t seen this show. I’m asking for tickets for my eighteenth.

That aside, I heard from my friend, who recently transitioned, that it was great. The show follows an aspiring drag queen, Jamie, in a British state school - that in itself is great for us Brits, who don’t often have that LGBTQ+ representation in our media except for if its transitioned over from the States, but drag queens don’t get much representation in the media either, especially few cases that are healthy and constructive. 

History Boys, Alan Bennett

I put this play on last year with a group of English Literature students who read the play and loved it; unsurprisingly, all those students are now a part of SOC(I)ETY, my school’s GSA, which speaks to the nature of the text. It follows a group of state school students in the UK (again, go Brit representation!) who are applying to Oxbridge for History and return to school for a seventh term after their A-Levels to be coached on how to pass the exams. The boys are strung between the new substitute Oxbridge tutor, Irwin, who is regimentally focused on pass marks, and Hector, their longtime English teacher, with a more nebulous style of teaching. The boys progress through the preparation time taking sides with these teachers. 

Here’s the thing. There are four queer characters in this play: Posner, a young Jewish (!) boy who is openly gay for Dakin; Dakin, another student, arrogant and who is later revealed to be attracted to (although this can be challenged) Irwin; Irwin, who exhibits a level of attraction towards Dakin but is morally resolute-ish; and Hector, a homosexual and arguably a paedophile, who gropes the boys when he brings them home on his motorcycle, which they take with a good-natured grain of salt. 

These characters are not necessarily healthy characters in terms of representation. Dakin represents at least a bisexual character, which is great, and Posner a relatively unproblematic Jewish LGBTQ+ figurehead; but Irwin and Hector openly discuss potential relations with the boys in one of the final scenes, and although nothing ever happens, there is the sense that it would have done had it not been for a major event in the play.

Read it if you can stomach the material. It never gets explicit physically; but there are a lot of swear words, so if that’s not your thing, be careful.

Some further ones that aren’t really great for representation, but for one reason or another deserve a spot:

High School Musical

I know this is meme’d to high hell at this point, but Chad and Ryan and I Don’t Dance are seminal moments in LGBTQ+ media representation, and quite frankly, at least in my opinion, considering when it was made, one of the best shots at introducing LGBTQ+ related concepts to young children that didn’t threaten its widespread takedown in the early days of the 2000s. As a young queer I watched every High School Musical movie the week it came out, once on the actual day and once on the weekend with my family. Looking back on it, it’s pretty insane to see how we all missed that one and yet still learned a lesson from it.

For those who haven’t heard, the song I Don’t Dance has been reconsidered recently because it hints heavily at something (loosely-defined) going on between Ryan and Chad. The main thesis of the song is this: Chad, a stereotypical high school basketball player, wreathed in typical attitudes, is confronted with Ryan, one of those early ‘meant to be LGBTQ+ characters’ from a time when it was more acceptable to represent gay men as pink-wearing, song-singing musical theatre people, and assumes that Ryan is not able to play baseball, his sport of choice at this time. Ryan smashes it, of course (we stan a queen), over the course of the song, proving him wrong while also doubling back on the idea that Chad himself says that he doesn’t dance. 

Note the wording here: not I Can’t Dance, it’s I Don’t Dance. The implications here are clear. The song, at the very least, works with defeating stereotypes associated with masculinity, which is a hugely-pressing issue to this day and deserves more appreciation like this in the media; but the undertones of LGBTQ+ presence in both of these characters is there and important. Ryan himself is one of the less offensive, at least in my opinion, versions of this ‘flamboyant man’ archetype and therefore has some credit as a character for introducing that concept to young kids anyway, but Chad hits differently. Because he’s a jock. Because he’s a high schooler, a sports player, and, clearly, was intended to be LGBTQ+. And don’t we need more representation like that?

Lil Nas X

Please follow this man’s Twitter. That is all.

As I said, please do add to this! I hope you all indulge. 

#lgbt #lgbtq+ #gay #lesbian #bisexual #transgender #cisgender #bi #trans #cis #GSA #gay-straight alliance #healthy representation #unhealthy representation #steven universe #voltron #vld #su #lil nas x #i don't dance #high school musical #hsm #history boys #alan bennett #everybody's talking about jamie #musical #play #twitter #the politician #netflix

[emilyplaysotome]

DTRH - Part 29 - All the Feels

My post got flagged for some reason...thanks to @full-of-obsessions for the heads up. I’m going to change the link on my master post so it’ll link to this one without shirtless cartoon man pics that flagged the algorithm 🤦🏻‍♀️

I noticed that Zyglavis was a bit red upon approach, but couldn’t figure out if the color in his cheeks was from the heat of the bath or some latent attraction towards me that caused him to be bashful. I obviously hoped it was the latter, but with the words of the fortune teller still fresh in my mind, I told myself not to read into things.

He did not seem rustled in the least to be sharing a bath with a woman who wore nothing but a towel, and took a seat next to me a comfortable distance away. He gently splashed water on himself, without a thought as far as to how it could be interpreted, rubbing his chest and biceps while speaking to me unfettered.

“No one at Sanno or Long Island recognized you, nor did they find a girl. How was it at the matchmaking event? Did you stick to the plan?”

“I did.”

“And?”

“No leads.”

I was trying to be as professional about this as Zyglavis was, but unlike him my face was burning and it was obviously not due to the heat of the bath.

I tried to keep my eyes locked on his, and not allow myself to be overtaken by the lascivious thoughts swirling around my head but it was short lived as I found myself glancing down when he finally broke eye contact. It was the moment when he looked away from me, and spoke about what our next steps should be that I gave into my baser instincts and realized that he was as naked as the day he was born.

Upon realizing this, I immediately became dizzy and backed away from him towards the edge of the bath. I attempted to excuse myself under the ruse that I had merely overheated and needed a moment to myself. Even though the water in the bath provided some coverage, it surprised me how little Zyglavis seemed to care, which only hammered home the point that he was so utterly uninterested in me that nothing about this situation was remotely sexual to him.

As I climbed out, I hoped that he would let me leave in peace, but instead he snapped his fingers and got out of the bath with a towel now covering him from the waist down in an attempt to help me. Even though the gesture was sweet, I cursed him under my breath.

For a God he was such a clueless idiot, but not wanting to give myself away, I forced myself to try and play it cool.

“Just let me sit here,” I said fanning myself as I lay down on the marble tile, “I just need a moment. I’m fine...really.”

“You do not appear to be fine Ami Mizuno and I will stay with you until you are feeling better. It is no bother. We have much to discuss.”

“No, no! I think you should go!” I urged. “I’ll get to bed on my own and we can speak about everything in the morning.”

“Absolutely not! I insist.”

I sighed, realizing that Zyglavis truly had no idea what I was thinking or feeling. Despite the inklings I’d had earlier on in the day (where I suspected that he might be aware of how I felt and was trying to let me down easy), at the moment he was insisting on staying by my side. He kneeled down beside me and pressed his fingers to my wrist, taking my pulse which I’m sure accelerated upon feeling his touch.

The room spun thanks to a combination of exhaustion, alcohol, and anxiety, and to make matters worse Zyglavis was not leaving my field of vision. Being blissfully unaware of what I was thinking, he continued to rile me up as let go of my arm and casually went to tie his long hair back up, all the while droplets of water running down his picture perfect body.

All the men in this world had muscular, male model-esque physiques yet somehow I was always caught off guard upon seeing them in the flesh. With Zyglavis, I hated how casual he was about it all, continuing to speak with me uninterested in the fact that our bodies were very much exposed to each other.

The towel that currently kept me decent, covered me starting at my breasts and ended a few inches below my butt. It was shorter than even the shortest miniskirt, and with only a thin piece of fabric around his waist, I couldn’t believe that he was so unaffected by it all. His cavalier attitude towards the situation only made me feel ashamed at that fact that I couldn’t seem to control my lustful thoughts towards him.

To make matters worse, he kept touching my forehead intermittently as he tried to determine if I was feverish or not. Every time his hand came in contact with my bare skin, I felt a my temperature spike once more and my heart rate increase. I felt as if I were being punished for my misdeeds with the men in this world, and after what felt like an eternity, I finally had to put a stop to it.

“Dear God, please stop touching me!” I exclaimed, not being able to endure his platonic touch for a second longer.

I’d meant “Dear God” in the sense of “Jesus Christ” or “Good Lord” as I’d often said back home, but my outburst was interpreted incorrectly by a man who was in fact a God.

His eyes widened and he pulled away, clearly blushing as a result of what I’d said. It was as if he finally saw things the way I did, and with a snap, we were both fully dry and clothed, and with another we were back in his room.

“I apologize Ami Mizuno,” he said standing over me as I lay in his bed. “It did not occur to me that you consider me so dear that my touch would trouble you.”

“I didn’t…”

He ignored my attempt to cut him off and continued to chastise himself, “I’d all but forgotten about your confession the other day. It was cruel of me to toy with you like that but I was truly unaware as to how you felt.”

He bowed before me and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

My poor choice in phrasing had caused me to accidentally confess my love for him. I figured that since it was out in the open, there was no real point in backtracking. Even if I were to deny how I felt about him, it wouldn’t really accomplish anything. I did in fact like him, and at least now maybe he’d exercise a bit more restraint in my presence, at least for my sake.

“It’s fine,” I said. “I know you’re not interested in me.”

“You’re a human. I’m a God.”

“I know,” I said sadly as he confirmed everything I already knew, “and soon enough we’ll be out of each other’s lives. Let’s just forget this ever happened and we’ll talk in the morning.”

I couldn’t bear to look at him, so I just rolled over and squeezed my eyes shut.

I heard a snap and the light in the room faded, followed by another snap which indicated to me that Zyglavis had left the room without saying so much as good night.

I couldn’t help but feel a bit lonely knowing that the night before he’d stayed with me until I’d fallen asleep, and in the course of a day I’d managed to ruin everything. It was comical, really, that it had only taken me a day to fall for him the amount that I had. If a day of ambiguity caused me to like him this much, two or three days would certainly have led to heartbreak.

It was for the best that I knew how he felt, even though my stupid heart didn’t seem to know that.

The speed in which this world caused me to fall for the men who inhabited it had me tossing and turning into the night.

Truthfully, my pride was a bit wounded, and I was incredibly embarrassed by my sophomoric behavior towards Zyglavis. I’d handled the situation immaturely, and I tortured myself by replaying the events of the day over and over again in my mind as I forced myself to relieve my own bad behavior. I couldn’t imagine how Zyglavis must have felt when he realized how much of a lech I was. I’d been so overtaken by lust that I couldn’t handle having him touch me (albeit completely non-sexually) while engaging him in simple conversation.

I let out a loud audible groan as I covered my face with my pillow, not wanting to think about how he viewed me, yet unable to escape my negative thoughts.

Finding myself wide awake and wanting nothing more than a distraction from how utterly humiliated I was, I sat up and took out my phone that was in my clutch on the nightstand beside me. I hadn’t checked it for hours, and was surprised to find that I had TalkTime messages from Sakiko and Shunichiro.

Sakiko’s message informed me that Eisuke had been asking about me, and that she had let him know about the event. She apologized in advance, clearly worried that she had caused a bit of trouble for me. Her text also indicated that she was under the impression that Eisuke and I were romantically linked, which caused me to chuckle as I thought about how obviously incompatible we were with each other.

I responded by squashing any lingering ideas surrounding Eisuke and I being affectionate with each other, and let her know that I appreciated the heads up and hoped to see her again soon. Considering it was one in the morning, I wasn’t surprised that my message went unread, and opened Shun’s next.

“How was your matchmaking party? Did you meet prince charming?”

I couldn’t help but smile. If only Shun knew the disaster my night had been.

That said, I obviously wasn’t about to tell him anything and instead wrote, “Boring. How was the rest of your night?”

I was going to open FriendFind, under the assumption that he too was asleep, but saw that he was typing a response and waited patiently, happy to finally have a distraction from the horror film that was currently looping in my mind.

“Boring,” he replied. “I’m selfishly very happy to hear that no one swept you off your feet.”

My deflated ego was starting to recover, and I found myself holding my breath as I waited for his next message.

“I guess that really does make me a bad boss…”

Shun had skillfully left the ball in my court as he danced around what we both knew he was saying.

That message was the kind of message a man sends early in the morning, when his bed is empty and he’s looking for someone to fill it. The ellipse in his message was an open invitation to make him the bad boss he was implying he already was, and admittedly, the part inside me that currently felt undesirable was urging me to play with fire a bit in attempt to feel better about myself.

My impulsive side took over for a moment, and I found myself standing at my underwear drawer looking at the tiny, silk thong Tauxolouve had gifted me a few weeks back. I could change into this, call a cab, and spend the night in a room that was void of the man who moments earlier had wounded my heart.

Conflicted, I stood there holding the thong, and had it not been for that stupid knit hat, I probably would have gone. After all, Shun was incredibly attractive, but seeing that dumb hat I’d brought with me to this world reminded me that I had to resist his advances.

Tonight was simply not the night for that.

Regardless of how bruised my ego was, I’d made myself a promise to try and get home before I resigned to living the rest of my life here. Part of that meant following through with my plan, and if I were to bed Shun it would no doubt distract me from my main purpose.

I still didn’t know if Iori had been the one to find me, nor if the place I’d arrived in this world could help me get home. There were still questions that I needed to answer, and until I did that, I had to behave myself. After all, should it become clear that I was indeed stuck in this world, there’d be plenty of time to engage in a downward spiral with as many men as I pleased.

I put the thong next to the knit hat, so I’d be reminded of what mattered the next time I wanted to pursue a bad idea, and decided to send an ambiguous reply back to Shun that walked the line of flirtatious but also polite.

“Don’t you have work tomorrow? You really will be a bad boss if you don’t get enough sleep...”

I half expected him to reply with some over the top response about how if we spent the night together there’d be little sleeping, but instead he just sent, “You’re right. Very responsible ;) Good night.”

I wished him a good night as well, and put the phone away before I could change my mind.

In addition to not pursuing things with Shun until my future was a bit clearer, I still clung to the one in a million chance Zyglavis might one day feel the same way I did. Since getting home was my first priority, I planned to work with him as professionally as I could with the hope that if I did end up stuck here, I’d have weaseled my way into his heart during our time together.

I had decided that I would not push him to like me, or try and be someone other than the person that I was. I promised myself that if I did end up finding my way home, I would try and remember all of this fondly and settle for whatever the reality was between us upon my departure from this world.

As I crawled back into bed, the worst case scenario flashed through my mind.

I closed my eyes and pictured a life where I was trapped in this world, working at Addison & Rhodes, and using the severance from Soryu in order to move out of the God’s mansion. Being apart from him would help me get over my crush on Zyglavis who (worst case scenario) saw me as nothing more than a friend. As I realized that this potential future didn’t seem that bad after all, I found myself feeling surprisingly peaceful.

It was yet another reminder that no matter what happened, I would be ok and before I knew it, the fatigue I felt earlier in the night returned, and I was fast asleep.

“Ami Mizuno.”

I groaned, not wanting to wake up.

“Amy Mizuno!”

“Go away…”

I kept my eyes shut, as I rolled away from his voice and heard him let out an irritated groan. I listened to his footsteps which came closer to the bed. I opened my eyes a crack and in my peripheral vision watched as he reached out to touch me, before pausing and then retracting his outstretched hand. He sighed once more and his footsteps retreated.

“Five more minutes,” he muttered, “but then I’m expecting you to get up.”

He snapped his fingers, and I knew he was gone.

Even in my partially conscious state, it was clear that Zyglavis was worried about touching me. His actions made my heart hurt a bit, and I felt more grumpy than usual after not getting enough sleep. Involuntarily I found my bottom lip was quivering as it sunk in that I still really liked someone who didn’t like me back.

Using the five minutes of solitude that he’d gifted me, I fought the urge to cry and made the decision that I was going to be mature about the situation. I would be on my best behavior, and would dedicate myself to getting the answers I needed.

I quickly got dressed in the clothes that I’d arrived in, including the knit hat which had acted as an anchor of sorts when it looked as if I were about to lose my way in this world.

Zyglavis returned exactly five minutes later and seemed surprised when I’d greeted him with a cheerful, “Good morning”.

He watched on with a dubious expression as I excused myself to go to the bathroom and freshen up. Upon returning, I managed to keep the charade going, happily accepting another of Zyglavis’ lattes before sitting with him in Operation GTFO HQ as we filled each other in on what had happened the previous day.

Before long I found that I’d forgotten I was pretending, and just spoke with him normally like I had in the past.

I filled him in on Eisuke crashing the matchmaking party as well as the note and check Soryu had left me. I made it clear that none of the liars at the party should have any inclination that I liked them in return, and that I had done as he’d instructed and rejected all of them from the onset.

The last thing I knew I needed to confess was the fact that I’d run into Shun and the other men from Addison & Rhodes. I assured him that while I had in fact engaged in a bit of harmless flirtation with Shunichiro, I hadn’t allowed it to escalate. I even went so far as to offer to show him our TalkTime messages from the early morning in which I’d managed to gracefully remove myself from what was usually a precarious situation for me.

He seemed to be pleased and he expressed that he appreciated the fact that I was cooperating with him to the extent that I was. I was just about to reveal the fact that I suspected Iori Enjo was the key to finding out where I’d appeared in this world when he changed the subject to a topic I was certain he’d avoid entirely.

“About last night,” he said avoiding eye contact.

“I’m sorry,” I said, quickly cutting him off. “I meant what I said though - let’s pretend it never happened. After all, we’re trying to get me home. That’s what matters right now.”

Zyglavis smiled at me in a way which indicated he saw right through me, but appreciated what I was doing nonetheless.

“That’s surprisingly reasonable of you.”

“Hey! I can be reasonable.”

He continued to tease me, but forgetting his concerns earlier, reached out and gently removed my knit hat so he could tousle my hair affectionately. I was happy that he touched me once more without trepidation, and I selfishly knew that even though it would soon come to an end, I wanted just a little more time with him like this.

So with that in mind, I held out my hand and said, “Shall go to Maison du Mont?”

I could tell him all about Iori Enjo and Revance later.

At this point, so much time had passed since my arrival that I found it unlikely a day or two would be the reason I was unable to return home. I would stand beside him, until ever suspect (excluding the men of Revance) was checked off my list, clinging to the hope that he might change his mind about me during our time together.

Zyglavis put my stupid knit hat back on my head with a small smile. From there, he gently took my hand in his, and with a snap we were on our way.

[arotechno]

Aromantic-Official’s Pride Month 2018 Questions!

It’s time for me to finally answer the weekly pride month questions set up by @aromantic-official! I realize it’s the last week of pride month and I’m only doing these now, but I’m a mod. So I get to break the rules. ;)

I apologize in advance, as this post is going to be a monster.

June 1-2: Pride Month Kickoff!

1. What aro pride merch do you have and/or want?

As of right now, all I’ve got is an aro bracelet that my friend made me for my birthday and a green aro ring that I got for a dollar. I would like to get my hands on an aro flag, and some pins or something... but I don’t have the money to throw at pride merch right now! Subtle merch is also good, as I’m out to precisely 3 people offline.

2. What are some of your favorite aro-friendly songs? (Feel free to make a playlist!)

Here. Or for more aro playlists besides mine, my aro jams tag.

3. What are your favorite arospec symbols?

I guess just the flag (the version that I use in my icon)? Arrow symbolism is also cool. Or, if you’re from the arocalypse crowd: papos. Although that might be a dated reference now...

(weeks 1-4 under the cut because I’m nice)

Questions for Week One (June 3-9):

1. How did you realize you were aro/arospec? How long have you known?

It was the spring of 2014, when I was a freshman in high school. For most of my life, I never really thought about or questioned my orientation. I figured I would know what I was when I felt it. But I always knew I didn’t get crushes, and figured that wasn’t weird and that I’d get them eventually... That didn’t end up happening, as you might imagine. I was never ashamed of who I was, though--not until people made me feel that way, and I realized maybe I really was different or weird. Thankfully, I had stumbled across asexuality, and consequently aromanticism (this was 2014; if you think it’s hard to find information about aromanticism outside of ace spaces now, think about how it was back then), before that point. It just didn’t really click until somewhere down the line. And even then, I waffled on aromanticism vs. asexuality for quite a bit, feeling more drawn to the ace community due to its size and its exposure, and frankly I couldn’t tell which one I was, though eventually I realized that was because I was both! It’s been several years and I’ve grown a lot, and I’ve become more in tune to my aromanticism apart from my asexuality.

2. Have you come out to anyone? Share a coming out story (coming out to yourself also counts)!

It’s funny, I was just thinking about this yesterday. I’m out as aromantic to three people irl, but I’ve never actually properly come out on my own terms. Two of my friends were peripherally involved at the time that I realized I was aromantic, so they were kind of a part of the realization and I never had to explicitly tell them that I had figured out this part of myself. The third friend came to understand my feelings about attraction before I eventually told her the words. But I’ve never had somebody in my life who presumed I was straight that I was able to explicitly decide I wanted to tell that I wasn’t.

In terms of coming out to myself, it took me about a year after realizing I was aroace to say the words out loud to myself. Sophomore year of high school was when I really began to fully accept that this was who I am and that I could say it and be proud of it, rather than it just being a peripheral aspect of my life that I had to pretend didn’t affect me (because we’re so often taught that we’re supposed to be just like everyone else despite our sexuality, but I have always felt that it made me explicitly not like everyone else, and that was the problem). So I said to myself, in the mirror, “I’m aromantic and asexual.” And I started writing it in my journal. At this point, I was in a weird place where I wasn’t even sure my two closest friends knew I was aroace and that it wasn’t just something I had speculated. It took me until the end of that school year to start using the word not only to myself, but to them as well. Even now, I still talk circles around it sometimes. Internalized aphobia is a real pain in the ass.

3. How/Why is your aromanticism important to you/your identity?

My aromanticism shapes how I see the world in a lot of ways. It affects me every day of my life. It influences my views on philosophy, relationships, my experiences with gender... I can’t relate to the majority of the world’s population on such a basic level that I’m often left wondering what my place in the world is and feeling like I’m living in a different universe altogether. It’s frustrating, but it can also be exciting. I’m proud of the way being aromantic has shaped me. I think the ways I view the world make sense, and being aromantic has a lot to do with it.

I consider myself to be an existentialist, and accepting that my emotional wants, needs, and experiences didn’t line up with the marriage/kids/white picket fence narrative that I was always expected to follow really helped me realize that if I don’t have to follow that narrative, then I don’t have to follow any narrative at all. I can do whatever I want with my life, and there’s no cosmic reason for me to do anything else. That’s voidpunk, baby.

4. What are some misconceptions about aromanticism that bother you?

That we’re heartless. That we don’t feel less emotions/weaker emotions than alloromantic people, or generally equating romance with emotions. That we need a QPR or other type of non-romantic partnership to fill a void where romantic relationships “should be.” That aromanticism must modify or be secondary to one’s sexual orientation. That we don’t risk being dehumanized or cut off from people around us when we come out. Arophobia in general.

5. What’s something you like about being aro/arospec? Something you dislike?

I love the arospec community first and foremost, and as I mentioned above I love the way aromanticism shapes my view of the world. I love that the aro community, though we are stereotyped as being heartless, is so full of love and compassion for one another that we can’t even argue with each other, we just have pleasant, generally civil discussions and often end up reaching mutual conclusions. I love that I can make this entire long-winded post about my experiences and not only will people read it, but they’ll appreciate it and respect it.

I hate not being understood. I hate the fact that I don’t want to come out because I’m afraid I’ll have to give an emotionally taxing vocab lesson and/or be dismissed or ridiculed and/or be called a heartless monster. I hate that we don’t have any mainstream representation that doesn’t get ripped from our hands by people who claim we do not deserve it. I hate that there are no aromantic role models in the public eye living happy lives for us to look up to; but then again, I have a secret fondness for being part of a generation that future aromantics will be able to look up to.

Questions for Week Two (June 10-16):

1. What aro-spectrum labels, terms, descriptors, and identities do you identify with?

I identify as aromantic. I also use nonamorous as a descriptor a lot of the time. That’s pretty much it. The term arogender kind of speaks to me in a way (I was there when it was coined!), as my experience with gender does feel influenced by my aromanticism, but I don’t know that I’m particularly inclined to use it for myself. I like to keep things simple, I guess.

2. Talk about other aspects of your identity that are important to you, that are meaningful parts of you like your aromanticism, such as ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, neurodivergence, mental illness, chronic illness, disabilities, etc.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m asexual as well as being aromantic. They kind of go hand-in-hand for me, but I’m much more open about being asexual if only because it’s more commonly understood and accepted. Several years ago, I was much more connected to the ace community than the aro community, but in the last couple of years that dynamic has completely flip-flopped. I feel more at home in the aromantic community, as the ace community often feels to me more focused on navigating romantic relationships while asexual, and as an aromantic I really don’t find any solace in that. The ace community has also thrown me and my aro and aroace siblings under the bus multiple times, which often makes me feel unwelcome, unfortunately.

3. How do other aspects of your identity intersect with or affect your aromanticism?

Other aspects of my identity don’t affect my aromanticism that much. On the contrary, my aromanticism affects my gender. I identify primarily as a cis female, but even saying I identify that way feels too strong, as it’s a pretty loose identification. Because of the ways in which misogyny, heteronormativity, and amatonormativity intersect, so much of traditional womanhood is based around finding romance, 99% of the time with a man. There isn’t really a subversive narrative for aro women. And femininity often feels like a costume designed to make me appear straight and allo and proper and headed for marriage. tl;dr gender machine broke.

4. Have any of your identities impacted you realizing you were aromantic, your questioning process, or coming to terms with it?

If you want to get obvious, asexuality directly helped me realize I was aromantic in that I would not have known that aromanticism existed without it. So thanks, ace community. You did do me a solid at one point or another.

Questions for Week Three (June 17-23):

1. What is your favorite aspect of the aro and arospec community?

I mentioned this earlier: I love how open, inclusive, accepting, and willing to have civil and productive discussion the aro community is. The aro community has also given me basically everything, especially the arocalypse gang (hi, guys). Without a community behind me, this blog would not exist, and I would feel devastatingly alone.

2. Are there any notable differences in your experiences in this community and other LGBTQIA+ spaces you have been in?

In general, compared to larger LGBTQIA+ spaces, the aro community on tumblr is obviously a lot smaller and more tight knit, which makes for an inherently different environment. Smaller voices somehow still speak so loud. That’s symptomatic of its size more than anything, and I haven’t been active in enough larger spaces to say much else.

The only other specific LGBTQIA+ spaces I’ve been in are asexual ones, and while there is some overlap between the two, aromantic spaces feel much more inclusive to me. Though that is likely due to the fact that asexual spaces do still put a focus on romance, while aromantic spaces certainly wouldn’t. The aromantic community is one of a kind and an absolute treasure, I guess is what I’m trying to say.

3. What’s one way that the aro community could be better or more inclusive? Do you have any tips on improving in this regard?

I think the aro community could take further steps to improve accessibility (I mean, look at me, I’m writing out this long-ass monster of a post. I’m part of the problem.). But I don’t really have any tips, considering I just broke one of my own suggestions... Don’t listen to me, I’ve got no idea what I’m talking about.

4. Do you think there are flaws in the way that different types of attractions are navigated, discussed, and defined in the aro community?

Yes. I talk about this from time to time on here... This is probably a hot take, but to me, defining types of attraction too rigidly, while it is helpful for tons of people, can often lead to an accidental hierarchy of types of attraction or relationships. For example, putting alterous attraction over platonic attraction, or queerplatonic relationships over more traditional platonic ones. I’m not saying anyone does this, at least not on purpose, but I think it’s at least a potential issue.

5. Do you consider yourself nonamorous, amorous, aplatonic, experiencing queerplatonic attraction, etc., or do you not use those terms? Are you romance positive, neutral, repulsed, or don’t use those labels? Do these answers intersect?

I’m nonamorous and romance repulsed. I’m not sure if they intersect, to be honest.

6. Have you ever been in a relationship you would consider committed, such as a queerplatonic/quasiplatonic, romantic, soft romo, friends-with-benefits, or others? How did being arospec affect that and the boundaries you set?

Nope. Again, nonamorous.

Questions for Week Four (June 24-30):

1. Have you ever participated in any pride events, such as parades and festivals? If so, do you feel welcome at these events? If not, would you want to go?

I haven’t. I would go, but I don’t really know how welcome I feel... And I’d need to go without being suspicious, which is pretty much impossible.

2. Do you celebrate pride month? If so, how do you celebrate? If not, why?

Hell, I’m doing it right now! I’ve been working on these questions with the other mods all month. Thaaaat’s about it, as there isn’t much to do around me except for go to pride, and I already explained why that was off the table.

3. Do you have any creative contributions to the aro community (art, comics, writing, moodboards, music, zines, informational posts, etc.)? Which do you like making the most? If you instead support aro creatives, what category of aro creations do you like best?

Hi, yeah, this blog. Shoutout to any of my followers who have been here since last year when all I posted on this blog was my writing... I guess you got more than you signed up for.

I write primarily short fiction for the aro community. I take soulmate prompts and spin them to be aromantic, and usually sad. Soulmates are a concept I hate with all my cold aro heart, so starting this blog was a mean of reclaiming that idea and making it a little less painful for myself and hopefully other aros. I’ve posted about this a thousand times, so I won’t go into more detail.

4. How do you feel aro creatives have impacted the community? Show some love to your favorite aro creators by @’ing them in this post and reblogging a bunch of their stuff. If you don’t have any favorites, now is a good opportunity to find a few!

Without aro creatives, we would have pretty much 0 content in general, as no one else seems to care about creating anything for us. @aroworlds is doing amazing work not only creating wonderful aro content but connecting other aro creators with one another and spreading the word. @aroacearborvitae makes moodboards and edits that brighten my day every time I see them. @arotryinghisbest is writing a novel if you want to go show him your support!

5. Is representation in mainstream media important to you? What about smaller, niche media? If so, why, and in what form would you like it to take?

Both are important, but for different reasons. I’m so thirsty for mainstream aromantic content that I would sell my soul for just one canon aromantic character on television. We need visibility, and we need people to know that we’re out here and that we exist and that we’re not broken or messed up or lying. But niche media is also important, as it often supports aromantic creators directly, and supporting small creators and media outlets is really important. Niche media can even sometimes be a gateway into mainstream media, if it picks up enough steam. Give me aro characters, please!

And that’s that. If you made it this far, congratulations, and thank you. Happy pride month! See you in the future when I hopefully start posting some more actual content...

#aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #aro pride month #long post #sheesh this is a monstrosity

[coloringthegreyscale]

Hi, despite my body’s popular belief, I am in fact still living

So this counts as me surviving my first Pride, motherfuckers!

I’m eating pizza, listening to music, and contemplating life’s questions like “Why the fuck am I still awake?” but for those who want to hear about this, here it is:

So Friday, we got there at around 3. Doors didn’t open until 6, so that meant we could wander around the Short North for a few hours. There wasn’t much to do other than wander around the shops and make friends with the staff at Pressed Grill while we ate loaded cottage fries and waited for my phone to charge. Spoiler Alert: Phone didn’t actually charge and in fact the battery died while it was off and plugged in, so fuck everything for about five minutes until I decide that I’m not going to let my bitchy phone ruin my fucking night.

Then, it’s what every single person who ever purchased a ticket to an event with general admission - it’s the standing game.

Standing game that lasts 3 and a half fucking hours.

So we used this time wisely by making friends with the people around us. I, miraculously, without the aid of my phone, managed to run into @dottiethunderfuck​, but we couldn’t talk very well because we were about two rows of people away from each other. Thank you, Dottie for giving me more encouragement! I wish we could have talked more. You’re a gem of a human being.

So everything started an hour and a half later than it was actually supposed to. First it was the underwear fashion show put on by one of the local gay businesses, hosted by our very own  Virginia West and Crystal Something Something. (Nina West was billed to host with Virginia, but is out for five weeks due to an expensive foot surgery that keeps her off social media, and no one is buying this story, what the fuck guys?). They talked about the rally Virginia headed because Pence was in town that day, and this is pretty much an excuse for me to say I love our gay city and drag queens. Also, turns out my roommate was high school friends with one of the models. Surprise!

Then, after what I think it was probably 5 hours at this point, after the fashion show and the opening music act, The AAA Girls came on and they were all gorgeous. They performed four or five songs I think? The banter was hilarious, the uncoordinated choreography was great. I loved watching them.

After was a lightning round of a meet and greet, so if this story doesn’t seem very detailed, it’s because I literally had about a minute to meet three queens. Went like this.

So first off, I need to mentioned that the art that I made was small in scale, but because of the wood and the watercolor paper, and the fact that I knew it would probably get jostled around a lot, I had wrapped them in tissue paper.and wrote which belonged to who so I wouldn’t get them mixed up. I neglected to unwrap them before I handed them out and I probably should have, but you live and you learn. I still fucking gave them the thing when I almost forgot to bring them twice.

So Courtney was the first in the line, so I struggled with the art being like “hold on, I actually have gifts for you guys!” and I handed them off to each of them. I vaguely remember Courtney saying something like “Oh thank you” and then “Oh, it’s beautiful!” but I dunno. I could be making that up? I know she said something. Did I say this was fast and I was super nervous?

So Willam actually gestured me back and asked me my name and then introduced herself (thanks Willam, for speaking to me like we were just normal strangers who met for the first time and not like I’m a nervous idiot fan who can’t properly speak to people - that’s not sarcastic, that’s entirely serious). She asked me if I wanted a photo and then said something like “Come, settle into my sweaty armpit” and then wrapped her arm around me. Photo taken, she wished me a happy pride, thanked me for the gift, I’m pretty sure I got a hug at some point and then I was passed off to Alaska, who hugged me, thanked me for the art and said it was beautiful. Over, done. I’m shaking. But fuck it. Done.

Apparently the roughly 45 seconds I got with them was lucky because we found out the next day that about 40 people were turned away. There were a lot of rumors hopping around and people were admittedly incredibly upset and bitter, but guys - do not blame the queens. I am certain that if they’d known there were people still waiting, they would have stayed. The whole event seemed to have hit a huge hitch somewhere and it wasn’t very well laid out. So be mad and what not, just try to keep a level head if you can.

Anyway, we walked back to our car, went home, got about three hours of sleep, woke up at around 7 to get ready and head back down so we could get a decent place for the parade. Which was two hours long. I got hugs from my coworkers who were marching in the parade and then at some point ended up just sitting on the street with my new #lovewins flag that we need to figure out where to put it.

Another long walk down to the festival, passed out on the grass, wandered, and then caught a ride back up to Short North so we could eat proper food at Pressed Grill (if you guys are ever in the Short North in Columbus, this is one of those places you need to try. Food is decent price, staff is super friendly, and everything is delicious). Then cue another walk, back to the car, said goodbye to friends we met up with, and then back to Axis.

Sidebar: On our way back, we were going to cut through the convention center because it provides a bit of relief from the heat and also bathrooms. Origins was happening the same time, so there was a crowd of people. As we were passing, an older guy looked at me and said “You need to drink some water. You look bad.” My roommate commented that that was a rude thing to say, to which he adjusted his wording to say “Oh, I just meant she looked tired and probably should stay hydrated to stay healthy.”

Yes, hi. Not sure who died and made you my dad, but I’ve been walking for like twelve hours with minimal sleep. I’ve been drinking all day. So kindly go fuck yourself.

Anyway! Back at Axis, we keep getting conflicting stories on what is happening with Adore’s meet and greet. The irritating part about this, is that it’s before her performance and during the giant drag show that’s happening before it, and we keep getting different information. @dottiethunderfuck​ comes to the rescue again, finds me, and tells me that it’s definitely inside the club in the VIP lounge at 9 pm, but capacity for the lounge is only 50 people, so it’s best we get there early. So we book it to the upstairs because fuck taking chances at this point, and also fuck standing and double fuck being in the heat.

So we chill for the next hour, sitting, chatting, people watching, etc. Until we start to line up for the meet and greet that Adore DEFINITELY had, do not let any trolls on Instagram try to convince you otherwise.

So here’s the twist of the fucking story. Roomie is usually the bold and collected one of the two of us, while I’m the one riddled with social anxiety. I felt like I was actually doing a pretty good job at keeping my cool, up until Adore walks past and says hi to everyone and then I look over to realize that Roomie has completely lost all of her cool and is like “Holy fuck, I’m meeting Adore, what now?” and I’m standing there like “well if your going to panic, what the fuck am I going to do?”

This time I at least had the conscious thought to unwrap the gift before I give it to her. But here we go:

Roomie had me video her meeting Adore. While doing so, suddenly Adore is smiling and waving at me. Apparently, Roomie had told her that I was excited to see her but I’m very shy and nervous, so I might be very quiet. She steps off after getting her photo and second hug and now it’s my turn.

So I’m greeted with an instant hug. She didn’t even wait for me to get to her, she met me halfway, and I handed her the art saying I had a gift and she looked at it in disbelief, the conversation went a bit like this:

“Wait, this is for me? I can keep this?” “Yes.” “This is beautiful! What is it? Watercolor? I love it!” “Yes.” (it’s also got a bit of charcoal but I digress)

At this point, she was fiddling with it to try to stand it up on the table and she turns and looks at me and asks me if I’m alright. I tell her I’m fine, I’m just a very nervous person. But I’ve got her attention now so I conjure up every single bit of courage that I have to tell her what I kept forgetting to say to Bianca and Courtney and Willam and Alaska.

“I wanted to make you something to say thank you, because you made me smile when I really really needed to.”

It’s a very simplified statement on what kind of mindset I had been in about 10 months ago, but she hugged me again and said something to the effect of “That’s incredibly sweet. Thank you so much. You’re too sweet.”

She said something about how she couldn’t wait to show it to her cousin, that he’d love to see it because he’s an artist too. We got our photo together, she thanked me again and wished me a happy Pride, I told her to have a good night and we parted ways.

So yes, guys. For those who think that Adore didn’t have a meet and greet, she did. If you didn’t know about it, that’s the combined fault of yours and the coordinators who didn’t explain things to the staff. So that clusterfuck, again, is on them and not on the queens.

Anyway - back down to catch the second half of the giant ass drag show going on outside.

Yeah, hi. We’re Columbus, OH and our drag scene is fucking a-maze-ing. Hi. Motherfucker. Stage nearly broke down it was so shook by all that talent.

We also knew one of the queens and we were SO PROUD to be able to tip her on a stage with this kind of a crowd. She’s come so far. She fucking worked it.

I got my fingers sucked on by one of the queens taking my tip. So there was that.

I ended up next to @dottiethunderfuck​ again and we both kept shooting heart eyes at each queen and king that came up on that stage because hi, did I mention that Columbus has a fucking great drag scene because it definitely does. I love them.

Then Adore was announced, she got up on stage and did her set, which was very short, but she was absolutely hypnotic. When I could see her. Some asshole decided he was going to try to tip her and wouldn’t move. Roomie at one point tapped him on the shoulder and was like “She’s not going to take your tip. She’s not that kind of performer.” He tried to start a fight with her. It was stupid. She’s a presence, though.

Second she left the stage, we had to bounce because we were about to pass out.

AND THAT WAS MY FIRST PRIDE!

I don’t have pictures of the meet and greet yet, because those were taken by the club and are to be posted on Facebook later. Thank you everyone who helped me through my random breakdowns leading up to this. It was probably a good thing that I didn’t finish the Bianca costume, but I at least got to make some art that I was relatively proud of and managed to give it away (which is a problem for me, if you knew me).

I’m going to continue to lurk in my dark room now and cuddle my dogs because I have to work tomorrow and I definitely don’t want to.

#pride 2018 #sometimes I meet drag queens apparently #columbus pride 2018 #adore delano #alaska thunderfvck 5000 #courtney act #willam belli #long post is long

[spaceorphan18]

Changed For The Better 1 [Klaine Advent Day 1]

Rating: S for Shenanigans Word Count: 1624 Summary: AU - Kurt’s a struggling actor living in New York, and is currently working on a Made-for-TV movie starring Cooper Anderson.

A/N: Written for (or really should say inspired by because this is not a drabble, lol) Klaine Advent Day 1: Attachment.  

///

Changed for the Better - Part 1/24: Empire State of Mind

Cooper Anderson was pointing in his face again.  Not at him. Not near him.  Literally in his face.  Every scene. Every take.  Kurt Hummel, no longer bewildered by his costar, blinked slowly and took a resigned step backwards.  Cooper didn’t even notice.  

“There she is, my one true love,” Cooper exclaimed.  He was not a real person.  He was a cartoon character come to life, shouting all his lines, never following any kind of direction, and of course, pointing.  

“Then you should go get her.” Every time Kurt recited the line, it was with less enthusiasm.  He was trying.  He really was.  But after fifteen takes, it was getting harder.  He almost choked on the cheesiness.  “If she is your one true love, and you know that she is, you have to tell her, show her even. You need to do something big – like propose!  And oh my god, if you’re really going to propose you better bring the bling because there aren’t two lovebird soulmates in this world as glorious and fabulous as the two of you.  And you know if you like it you have got to put a ring on it.”

Oh, god, did the writers have Beyonce on repeat while they came up with the screenplay?  

“You’re right, Julian,” Cooper suddenly grasped his arms then paused and gave him a confused look.  Kurt wasn’t sure if Cooper was trying to pause for dramatic effect, or if he had just forgotten his next line.  Kurt leaned in, waiting.  “Darla has to know how I feel.  And what better day to propose then on Christmas?”  Cooper whipped around him, nearly knocking him over in the process, as he ran off screen.  

The director yelled cut.  And thankfully, they didn’t have to do the scene again.  

Two months ago, Kurt had been thrilled at the idea of being in a movie.  Sure, it was one of those cheesy, made-for-tv Hallmark Christmas Specials - Love On The Page - the story of two abscent-minded people who met at a bookstore, and fell in love over their shared love of reading romance stories - but it was a movie.  And in the five years that he had been out of college, roles hadn’t exactly landed in his lap.  So when there was an audition came up for the role of Julian Harper, the very flamboyant (and ridiculously stereotypical) gay best friend who helped get the main characters together, he took it.  Hey, he was in a movie.  Neither Rachel or Mercedes could say that.  It was also a job - one that he needed if he wanted to keep living in New York.

The bonus, at first, was working with Cooper-body of a god-Anderson.  He knew of Cooper his many insurance commercials.  The commercials didn’t do him justice.  Cooper was one of the most attractive men he had ever seen in real life.  He was also, Kurt learned soon enough, one of the most annoying.  After two months on set, Kurt didn’t feel so lucky anymore.  

“Kurt,” Cooper placed an arm around his shoulders.  Kurt rolled his eyes - here we go again.  “The director seems to think your performance was fine.  And it is, it is…”

“But…”

“But,” Cooper clenched a fist.  “I’m just not feeling the intensity from you.  Where’s your passion, Kurt? Look, I know you have an attachment to the methods you learned in that radio school-”

“Musical theater.”

“Same thing.  But you’re all in your head.  And real passion comes from here.”  Cooper slapped him on his chest.  “That’s your heart, Kurt.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Also, I think you can play the part a little, I don’t know, gayer.”  

Kurt raised an eyebrow.  The only way role of Julian Harper could be any gayer was if he literally fucked a dude on top of a Pride parade float while singing Judy Garland, with RuPaul and a bunch of drag queens swirling rainbow flags behind him.  

“Wait,” Cooper paused again.  Kurt couldn’t tell if he liked being that dramatic, or if it really took him that long to process a thought.  “Are you really gay?

Only Cooper Anderson would ask that.  

“Yes…”

“I should introduce you to my little brother.  He’s not quite the talent that I am, and only half as good looking, but some say that we’re twins.  Only, we’re not…twins.  He’s also gay, and…”

“Nope,” Kurt didn’t even want to imagine what a less attractive Cooper-twin would be like.  “I’m good.”

Kurt managed to slip away before Cooper could try to give him any more advice, or try to set him up on a date.

On his way out of the studio, Kurt bumped into one of the producers, who happened to be escorting a very attractive blond man into the studio.

“Oh, hey, Kurt, glad I bumped into you,” the producer said.  “Seems we found you a boyfriend.”  

Kurt did a double-take.  “What?”

“Meet Sam Evans, we just cast him as Julian’s boyfriend.”

Oh right, the last scene where everyone ends up happily-ever-after in a flashforward.  

The blond man held out his hand.  “Hi, I’m Sam.  Sam-I-Am.”  

Kurt shook it “Hi, I’m Kurt.”  

“It’s so nice to meet you,” Sam grinned. “I mean I’ve never really done a movie before.  I’ve been on a set but mostly for modeling.  My agent said it’d be a good role to take if I wanted to do a little more with my skills.  I’m still not sure, but I can’t believe I’m on a real movie set.  This amazing, right?  Wow.”  Sam continued to shake his hand as he spoke, and for a moment Kurt couldn’t help but crack a smile.  It had been a long time since he met anyone with such genuine interest in what was going on.  It was a nice change - infectious almost.  “Looking forward to working with you, Kurt,” Sam said as the producer ushered him away.  

“Yeah, same.”  

/

It was Friday night, and unlike most people in New York City, Kurt had nowhere to be.  He wasn’t ready to go home yet, despite the six hours of the Facts of Life waiting for him on DVR.  The apartment felt too lonely since Adam had left.  And as much as he was glad that was over - as much as he was glad he had his own space again - the ache of loneliness was beginning to creep up on him again.  It didn’t help that Mercedes and Rachel were always busy with their own lives.

“Kurt, I’m so, so sorry I can’t make it to dinner tonight, sweetie,” Mercedes said over the phone as he walked to the subway. “I have to get this track finished.  The album’s on a deadline - and if I don’t get it complete, they’ve threatened to use autotune.  And you know my voice doesn’t sound good autotuned.  We’ll have dinner tomorrow, I promise.”  

At least Mercedes had a legitimate excuse.  Rachel seemed to be all over the place lately.  “Kurt, Jesse’s taking me out to dinner tonight, and I really think it would be beneficial to my career to go,” Rachel had said that morning when they met for breakfast.  

“Jesse? What happened to Brody?”

“Brody and I just weren’t connecting,” Rachel had said.  “Plus, I found out that he was sleeping with half the city.  But it’s fine.  It’s fine.  Jesse’s great and we’re connecting much better.  It probably helps that we’re costarring in the same show.  Think of the publicity we’ll get if we’re dating - people will just line up to see if the chemistry is real or not and it is. And the show will be a huge hit.  And then guess who becomes the star? Me.  And then I’ll be getting plenty of offers and next thing you know, someone will be writing a musical based on my life - and if Jesse and I have such a great connection, he can star in it, too.  Don’t you see?”

He was used to Rachel’s brand of crazy, but what he really saw was his friends succeeding when he felt stuck.  Just stuck.  

He took the long way home that evening, stopping to check out a new music store, and grab some takeout on the way home, delaying the inevitable return to an empty apartment.  

But when he arrived home, someone was waiting for him.  

That someone was dressed like a glittery, steampunk love child of David Bowie and Lady Gaga.  “Hi, I’m Elliott Gilbert.  I’m supposed to be meeting a Kurt Hummel here - I answered an ad about needing a roommate?”

Oh, god, Kurt had completely forgotten.  “Oh, right, right,” Kurt said fumbling for his keys.    

“Sorry, I don’t usually look like this - well, mostly of the time anyway, I just got off a show.”

“A show?”

“Yeah, I’m in a band,” Elliott gave an easy smile.  “But don’t worry, I won’t practice at home if you’re not into that.  I just – really need a place to sleep, and keep my stuff.   See, my last roommate just got married, and this other band I was in, I stayed a lot at their place, went out to the LA scene, but I’ve been in New York for, I don’t know, ten years now, and it feels too much like home, you know?  Anyway, they’re raising rent at my old place, like, a couple grand, which I can’t swing even with a roommate so I’m really hoping this works out because it’s either this or moving in with my current band - which means a single loft with six people in Bushwick, or I guess moving back to New Jersey.”  

For the second time that day, Kurt gave an honest smile.  Maybe things were looking up.  

#klaine advent 2017 #though I feel bad about tagging it as such since it is not a drabble #oh well #s.o. writes things #klaine advent: attachment

[fulloflesbeans]

Hazel Eyes &Cake Pops [Ch. 13]

Read on Ao3 here

The next morning, I woke up with a stiff back and a minor headache. It might be from being on my laptop at three AM with the brightness all the way up in complete darkness. I checked my phone first and, to my relief, there was no text from Kate—or text from anybody, for that matter. It was almost seven. I stood up, my ankles and knees cracking, and went into the kitchen to grab a water bottle. As I chugged the water down, Chloe walked in, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, and seemed pretty happy.

"Morning, borMax, did you sleep at all?" Chloe also grabbed a water bottle.

"For like three hours, but I'm okay, actually," I leaned on the counter, "You slept for a long time."

"Dude, I feel great. I'm ready to wreck some shit up." Chloe hopped in place. She was full of energy and smiling, ready for her day.

Chloe continued to talk, "I remember you saying that you're saying Kate today?"

"In the afternoon. We're going to your work."

"Awesome, but if someone hits on Rachel again, it’ll be the last straw. I held it together yesterday for her sake, but all hell will break loose today."

"I don't doubt you on that."

"Are you coming along with me now or pick you two up?"

"Rachel said something about getting ready, so we might just get an Uber." I felt another fashion show going to happen.

"Got it," Chloe nodded and started to walk away, "I'm gonna shower now."

I sat down on the couch again, grabbing my phone to see any notifications I had. I had some text messages from some classmates, one being Kate, and lots of notifications from Tumblr. I looked at Kate's first, Good morning, Max! Did you sleep good?

I could feel her joy through the blue text box. I felt my lips curl at the ends. Hey Kate, I only got three hours to be honest. Did you?

I got up and started to fold my blanket, which I've never fixed before, and made the couch look slightly more presentable. I got my backpack ready with my Nutrition textbook and notebooks, taking any loose papers out and other useless things. I heard footsteps behind me; Rachel strutted in, glowing and also in a very good mood.

"Good morning, Max," She pulled me into a tight hug and then kissed me on the cheek, "Today is going to be exciting!"

I blinked a few times, but didn't question the sudden positivity in the room, "Studying is exciting?"

"You're studying with Kate." Rachel emphasized.

"It's still boring college stuff."

"I want to know what that's like! I don't know if I'm ever going to go to school again, so I want to see you guys be all studious and whatnot."

"Right," I nodded, "Well, how are you going to get me ready for today?"

"Uh hello, pick out some of the clothes. We're doing another fashion show."

"Until noon?"

"If that's what it takes."

I could only laugh, but she was not messing around at all. She dragged me into the bedroom, pulling me by the wrist, "Come on, you have to pick something! Don't make me pick something for you."

"Alright, but don't judge me too hard."

As she let go, I checked my phone. I was actually able to sleep earlier than usual. We're meeting at one, right?

Yup. Really can't wait to study.

I could hear Rachel sliding the dresser drawers open. A lot of my clothes were replaced inside, but if I dig deep enough, my other shirts were still in there. She was looking into them, one hand on her chin and other hand on her hip.

"What do you want to wear?" Rachel asked first.

I started to grab at shirts of different colors and digging into my drawers, but there was none that really liked. A pink shirt would be nice, something to match the springtime’s bright colors, to get away from the black-and-red I wore yesterday.

"Do you have any ideas?" I countered. As she went grabbed some black shirts, I went back into my phone.

Don't you have Nutrition tomorrow? Studying is needed, Max.

Fuck, she was right. As much as I didn't want to go, the end of the quarter was right there so I couldn't give up. When I looked up, Rachel was holding a pale pink shirt, another one she bought from Vans, with a big print of mountains on the back. They really reminded me of the Paramount Pictures logo.

"You really like your Jane shirt and that's great, but this one looks better."

Rachel held it up to my torso.

"I was considering it."

We heard a hard knock on the door. We turned and Chloe was dressed for work, twirling her keys around.

"I'm gonna go now, you're good on the Uber or Lyft shit thing?"

"Yep," Rachel went up to her and kissed her cheek, "We'll see you later, okay? Don't fuck around too much."

"Yeah, sure, Rachel." Chloe said noncommittally and then left.

Rachel turned back to me, now trying to dress me up and help me look my best. I did like the shirt, but it's just Starbucks, it wasn't like the fancy places Rachel keeps taking Chloe. I didn't want to tell her what to do, but I didn't want her to go super overboard.

"Hey, when is that interview going to come out?"

"Tomorrow, I think." She replied offhandedly.

"You're not worried?"

"Chloe is someone I didn't want to hide in the first place, so I don't really care if people started hating me. I already know what I'm going to do after it airs."

"Oh yeah, what is it?"

"I'm going to put pictures up of us on whatever social media thing I got and never stop. I'm going to change my picture on Instagram for sure."

"Will Chloe suddenly become super famous and then I'm stuck living alone?"

"If people want to get to Chloe, they're going to have to get through me first," Rachel said hotly, "And no, Max, we're going to move altogether and you'll be going through school without having to worry about debt."

"That's the dream. The second part, I mean. I wouldn't want you and Chloe gone all the time. What if Chloe turns into a model too?"

"She's probably going to do one photoshoot with me and that's it. She would prefer to stay out of the spotlight."

"She seems annoyed enough from being hounded by everyone."

"You should have seen her when we left the restaurant."

Rachel held about five different shirts up to my body, but she stuck with the pink one.

"You know what, if we ever do one together, I'm going to beg for you to be the photographer."

"You trust me enough?"

"Max, I've seen your pictures. They're beautiful and they're professional. I'm going to beg and cry until they let me."

We both laughed, but I was going to keep that in mind. Rachel paired the pink shirt with khaki pants. I decided to finally reply to Kate: I know. I will try to stay focused.

"You should try the new shoes." Rachel tossed the clothes onto the bed.

"I haven't used them yet, huh? Alright, I'll do that," I nodded, "You should shower now. Let me choose an outfit for you while you're in there."

"That's fair. I expect another flannel." She went to the other side of the bed, pulling up a very large suitcase.

"When did that get here?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I forgot, but there was one night that you slept earlier and you were out cold, so I got this from my manager's assistant. I'm never going to be ready for that phone call that I have to leave."

"None of us will," I shook my head, fiddling my phone in my hands, "Anyway, grab what you need, I'm going to get you the perfect outfit."

"Alright, alright," she threw her purple bra at me, "Pushy, much?"

It hit me right in the face, "You're the one still wearing the same clothes from yesterday."

She walks by me, snatching her bra right back, "I blame Chloe."

I went right to her suitcase, already knowing that a majority of her clothing were flannels and tank tops. I grabbed her usual ripped jeans, but I went into Chloe's side of the dresser and grabbed one of her white tank tops and a black-and-white flannel. I wanted to see if she'll notice or not. I just left it on the bed and grabbed my clothes.

I paced around the living room as I text Kate. We went on a conversation for an hour.

I'll show you the picture I took when we meet. I totally forgot.

I bet it's amazing. I could show you the story! It's completely covered in red pen from changing so much.

I'll still read it. I'm interested in how much it has changed.

I heard the bathroom door open and then the bedroom door close. After a minute, I heard laughter from her. I guess she recognized it right away.

"You think you're real slick, don't you, Max?!" Rachel exclaimed, muffled by the door.

"It's still your style!" I yelled back.

It's a mess, but I'll commend you for trying.

I got this, Kate!

Fifteen minutes passed, Rachel strutted out of the room in her baggy clothes. I didn't realize it was Chloe's gay pride shirt, so Rachel had to flaunt around a rainbow flag with the words "GAY AF" over it across her chest for the day.

"Looking good, Rachel." I nodded at her and applauded. She did a spin and got into a pose with her hands on her hips.

"I can make this work." Rachel buttoned two in the middle and then took one shoulder off her flannel. Because the top was so oversize, her bra was all there.

"Chloe is going to notice you for sure now."

"Good, that's the goal."

"What about other people?"

"Fuck them, I know I look good as fuck right now," Rachel flipped her blonde hair, "Go shower and change already, we need to eat breakfast."

I took another hour to get ready. I wore the outfit and the new shoes like she told me and I was ready to take on the day. I reached another level of gay I didn't know I could reach. I put my hair up again in the pony tail and put my messenger bag on. I found the shoes really comfortable; it was the black ones with the white line on the sides.

We finally left the apartment, taking an Uber all the way to a Denny's near the Starbucks. It was a quiet drive, only because I was still talking to Kate.

No, I'm still home. My roommate ordered food for us. Kate's responses were starting to become more spaced out.

Nice, do you guys do that a lot?

She does it all the time. Even before she started talking to me, she just leaves it out for me with a note.

We went into the restaurant and were seated right away. We were eating breakfast at nine, but neither of us questioned it. We looked through the menu for the sake of looking, rather than choosing, because we ordered coffee and the same breakfast plate.

"Is Kate eating?" Rachel asked as she put her menu down.

"Yeah, her roommate ordered for them."

"You've been talking to her for a long time."

"I really like talking to her." I took my camera out and pointed it at her. She stopped as she was taking a sip of coffee and looking out the window. I took the picture; she was unfazed by the flash.

Now that I think about it, I haven’t felt any anxiety attacks or shutting down. Peaceful was a good word to describe it.

"It's nice to see you happy." She put her cup down.

"You're such a mom."

"I've never seen you all lovey and romance-y. I can't help it!"

We went on a full conversation about us and relationships, but she spoke more about hers. After what happened at the store, I was over even acknowledging his existence. The both of us ate and conversed about the past and even Arcadia Bay for a little bit. Neither of us had anything huge to talk about on that, so that subject didn't last long. It eventually went to Rachel's time in Brazil and China and I listened to her closely as she went on and on. In the end, we stayed there a little longer to talk more. It was about ten-thirty when we left.

"Can I see that picture you took of me in there?" Rachel asked, brushing her fingers through her hair.

"Oh, yeah," I reached into my bag and handed the film to her, "I hope it's up to your standards."

"Bitch, it's more than above my standards," Rachel stared at it, "You have to do my photoshoots for the rest of eternity."

"They're not that good."

"Excuse me, don't talk about yourself like that."

"You're too kind."

"I'm not kind enough. You make me look better with an old camera than some guy with the fanciest equipment in the world could ever."

I could only smile. Was I really?

"Come on, we're doing a shoot, right now."

"What?"

"Come on, we could walk around and then if you want to take some pictures. We need to pass the time!"

We walked down the sidewalk and I stayed a little behind Rachel as she continued to walk aimlessly. She was stopped by fans and followers once in a while; I could only hope she won't get stopped by TMZ or other paparazzi. I only ever took pictures when there weren't many people around her and the lighting wasn't overpowering or not enough. Rachel was having a blast, she was grinning so wide and she was laughing out loud, she clearly loved this moment. I was running out of film quickly and when we arrived to a stoplight intersection, I caught up with her.

"This is the last one." I said to her, shaking the film.

"That's the most fun I've had taking pictures in a hella long time!" Rachel squealed excitedly.

"You don't have fun doing professional ones?"

"Not as much as this, I didn't have to do specific poses or make specific faces, I was just me, you know?"

I checked my phone. It was almost noon.

"We should get going."

I have to see my friends again. I might be a little late! Kate text about thirty minutes ago.

"She's going to be late." I told Rachel, showing the text to her.

"Then let's go. Chloe would want the company anyway," Rachel looked closer at my phone, "Why didn't you answer to the other text?"

"We were eating and we were doing this."

"At least tell her you're doing something next time."

She scolded me for a moment, but she was back to her normal self when we passed Denny's again. For the whole stroll, Rachel was giving me advice and naming all the fights she and Chloe have done in their past. There were some that were serious, but most were silly. I kind of already knew it was okay to have fights, but her perspective was helpful.

We walked into the Starbucks and saw that it was actually very empty. Chloe and the other employees were talking behind the counter. Chloe was the first to turn around, as she was the cashier, and then released a bray laugh.

"Those are my clothes!" Chloe leaned over the counter, trying to look at Rachel.

"Thank your best friend, she chose it." Rachel lightly thumped my shoulder.

Chloe smirked at me and then looked at Rachel again, "You look better in them. I wish I could pull that off."

"You can later."

"What?" Chloe's eyes widened and her smirk disappeared. I nearly missed her saying that too. It was like her to be direct. Rachel swaggered away, winking at her, and sat at a four-person table.

Holy shit, Chloe mouthed out. She held her fist out and I bumped my knuckles against hers. I went ahead and went to the table.

"Why are you facing away from the entrance?" I asked as I sat down across from her.

"I wouldn't want my famous face ruin your date. I already tried going to the back before and I couldn't. I hope sitting over here will make me unrecognizable."

"We're in the corner so, maybe?"

I placed my bag on the table and took out all the pictures I took of Rachel from outside. I laid them all out in front of her.

"Here, maybe you could make some cool Instagram pic with these."

She placed her elbow on the table and rested her head on her hand. She exhaled happily.

"You're hella talented, how did you do this?" She grabbed some of them to hold them closer.

"Patience, I guess." I chuckled, but I felt awkward being praised by her.

"Hell yeah, this is going on my Instagram."

She moved the films around and then took her phone out. I watched as she stood up, took pictures of the covered table, and then sit down again to type.

"Look at my talented friend," Rachel read her description, "That's the perfect thing to say under something like that."

"They're not that great..."

I mumbled as low as I could, but she heard it regardless.

"I swear to god..."

For the next hour and a half, I watched and talked about the people who were walking in and out. It was a little game Rachel wanted to play. I gave her a piece of paper and a pencil and I tried to describe the people as best as I could as she drew them. Her art skills were okay, to say the least. Chloe then came out with two coffee cups and placed them in front of us.

"They're on me," Chloe said, "Do you want the little, uh, shits?"

"Yes, for Kate." I replied with a snort. Chloe left again and when I looked back at the door, Kate walked through with her little backpack and sketchbook in hand.

"Kate!" I said way too excitedly.

"Hi Max!" She said back, waving her hand, "And Rachel, you're here! I'm so sorry about being so late."

Kate sat down next to me, placing her bag next to mine.

"It's okay, what did your friends need you for?"

"More brainstorming and finding actresses," I opened her sketchbook, "I like your shirt."

"Oh thanks, I like yours too."

A lot of her shirts have been plain and solid colors, but today it was a black short-sleeve button-up covered in different flowers. She certainly rocked flowers better than I did. Again, I could see a gold chain necklace around her neck.

"No braids today, huh?" I teased.

"No, but my roommate criticized my other outfit and then chose for me."

"Wow, we chose each other's outfits today, actually." Rachel added.

"You two know each other's tastes very well. My roommate will never let me dress her."

"Do you even like her doing that to you?" I asked.

"I like it. I know that's how she bonds with me, so I don't mind it." Kate was practically glowing.

"What's your little brainstorm, actress thing about?" Rachel was clearly interested.

"Oh, my friends are making a short film and they keep asking for my help about it. Speaking of," Kate flipped through her book and took out a single lined piece of paper, covered in writing from top to bottom, surrounded by red markings and corrections, "This is what I wrote."

I stared at it, distracted by all the red, but I tried my best to read it.

"A girl sits in a library, reading and distracted, until she sees a flash of pink zip past in the corner of her eye. She looks, but nothing was there. From her desk, she can see someone with a book held a little too close to their face standing in an aisle..."

"There's a lot being taken out. Do they not like it?"

"They love it, actually. They just want it to be a little shorter." Kate leaned over. Our arms were pressing against each other.

"Hey Kate," Chloe came up and dropped a white box in front of us, "Do you want a coffee too?"

"No, thank you. You're Chloe, right?"

"Yup, nice to meet you," Chloe smiled and nodded, turning back to Rachel, "Babe, I'm on break, do you want to go somewhere?"

Rachel grabbed her coffee and stood up, "Sure, I'll watch them later."

Kate and I laughed at that. Those two left, leaving me and Kate alone. I reached into my bag, digging around the many books I had in it.

"Since you showed me this, I have the picture I took of you."

I gave it to her and she gasped. She had her hand to her mouth and her eyes were wide, taking a moment to admire.

"Wow, this is very cool!"

I could only blush. I appreciated her compliment more than anyone else's. I looked back to her story and looked right at the end: "She finally kisses her. Finally letting her feelings become clear as day and stopping the sorrows she felt."

I tried so hard to read those lines. I would ask her about it if a huge red squiggle wasn't covering most of it. Technically, the story stopped at "they went on a date, but in her mind, she convinced herself it was one-sided."

"Oh," I grabbed the box and slid it over to her, saying, "These are for you. I remember you said you liked sweets.” Chloe told me that she liked them, but I thought it would have been weird to mention that I knew she liked them already. I felt my heart race as soon as I gave them to her.

"Thank you! I love these.”

She opened the box and they were all the chocolate ones. She grabbed two: one for me and one for herself. These ones were especially sweet, but I took the one she offered.

“Thanks,” I bit into it and held back making a face from the sweetness, “How did meme drawing go?”

She bit off a little piece, "I had to look up most of them, but I have them."

She went a couple pages back and showed me all of the old, outdated memes I made her draw. I saw so many frogs, SpongeBob, Arthur, and Kermit on one page, I felt woozy.

"Oh, my dog," I started to laugh so hard, my side started to hurt, "I can't believe you actually did it!"

"I can't believe I took the time to do this. Are you happy, Max?"

"Absolutely," I nodded, "You did a good job drawing the frog."

"Thanks, I spent way too much time on it."

She went back to a blank page. We finished our pops and grabbed another one simultaneously. I gave back her paper, muttering “thanks” as she tucked it back into her book.

"Ready to start studying?" She suddenly asked.

I groaned, "I was hoping you forgot."

She giggled, "Nope, I'm determined to help you pass your next tests and hopefully not see you slamming your forehead into a table again."

"I was only doing that because I spent nearly all week studying for it and then I bombed it hard."

"And I don't want you to do that again," she placed her hand on my shoulder, "So, for the rest of the time, you’re going to do your Nutrition work and I’m here to help you, okay?”

I sighed and slouched, "Okay. Can't wait to learn about all these kilograms and how to identify complex and simple nutrients."

"You're going to be fine," Kate took a pencil out of her bag, "You brought your book, right?"

"Yeah," I took the thick bright orange book out, loudly setting it down, "This already sucks."

"Only a couple more weeks," Kate reassured, "What do you have the most trouble with?"

"It was a lot of the math stuff and... pretty much all the numbers. You know what, pretty much everything."

"Okay, so you need to read this again and try to answer those little analysis questions at the end of every chapter. If you feel like you can't answer it, ask me."

The entrance opened again and it was Chloe and Rachel, walking in hand-in-hand and separated as they passed the counter.

"I'm back," Rachel huffed as she sat down again, "I never met so many people in such a small amount of time."

"Are you getting to that point of needing a bodyguard?" I pushed the cake pops towards her.

"I don't need one, but... maybe in a few months." She grabbed two.

"Maybe watching us will help you relax."

"Yes. I want to learn about vegetables." She perked up again. That wasn't so hard.

"Alright, let's begin." Kate smiled at me.

It wasn’t so difficult in the beginning. Most of the questions were pretty easy! After chapter three, I felt like I was going to fall asleep about a million times. I wrote the answers down into my composition notebook, skipping some because I didn't know them. I could hear Rachel and Kate talking to each other, which kept me awake.

"Have you ever sat down and was like, "hmm, do I really believe in God?" I don't mean that rudely, but it's a thought I've had."

"No, I never really thought about not being Christian. It's something I've known since I was little; It's something I'm comfortable with."

"You're hella devoted? I don't think I should word it like that."

Kate snickered, "It's fine. I was until a year or two ago, I'm not sure."

"What do you mean?"

"I used to wear a purity ring."

"Wow, for real?" I felt the shock in Rachel's voice.

"Yeah, but... I don't wear it anymore, obviously."

Rachel was quiet after that. I was shocked too. There were many questions I wanted to ask. But it was a very personal and I wouldn’t want to creep her out or make her uncomfortable. I let to let the questions dance around in my mind until I continued to write my answers. It wasn’t important, not right now.

"Hey, we should stay here to eat something. Would you mind a small dinner with us?" Rachel changed it quickly.

"I would love to! I need to make up to her about leaving so early yesterday."

"Good, you hear that, Max?" Rachel slapped the table to get my attention.

"Huh?” I lifted my head up, “Uh, yeah, you don't have to though, Kate."

"I want to. Plus, most of our time is for studying. I wouldn't want you to leave groggy." Kate got closer to look at my paper.

"I left some blank so I can ask you later."

Kate nodded, "Good idea."

And that was all that happened. Rachel and Kate talking, Chloe coming by periodically if we needed anything, and me, suffering. I overheard Kate saying she was already finished with her assignments and that her time was used to help her friends' short film. I eventually asked for Kate's help and I could feel Rachel just watching us.

Even though Kate told me she never took the class, I learned more from her in this one sitting than I learned from my teacher all quarter. I was more engaged and everything somehow made more sense. I didn't realize it was about to be seven when we finished.

"Damn, you're really good at teaching." I wiped my forehead.

"I've been told," Kate folded her arms, "I have a little sister and she asked for help all the time."

"Aw, you have a sibling?" Rachel placed a hand over her chest.

"I have two. I have younger sisters."

"What's it like to have siblings? All three of us are, like, single children."

"That's crazy. Um, the best way to describe it is siblings will always be the ones you love yet hate the most. There were lots of times that we did not get along, but I still love them."

"Do you talk to them?"

"I haven't in a while. I've been so busy." Kate tapped her pencil against her now filled page of sketches.

"I'm finally done." I interrupted. I dropped my pencil down and ran my hands down my face.

"Good job, Max." Kate held her hand out for a high five. I gave her one, weakly, and then slammed my head down on the book.

"What did I say about doing that?" Kate whined.

"Don't do it because you don't want to see me get hurt."

I said that while looking down, but I lifted up as fast as I fell.

"I think this calls for dinnertime!" Rachel clasped her hands together. The Starbucks was surprisingly empty, but I could see Chloe's face that she was very happy with that. I lifted my arm and waved her down.

"Yeah?!" She acknowledged. She didn't move an inch.

"We want food!"

Chloe went towards the kitchen.

"Who is paying for this?" Kate asked.

"Me," Rachel replied right away, "And please don't be "I insist," no, I got it."

Kate looked at me and I looked back. I could only shrug, "She pays for nearly everything."

Chloe came back out with four bags, sitting next to Rachel.

"Since I'm not doing anything, I'll join you," Chloe started to pass out the food, "I got the BLT, I got Rachel the turkey thing, I got Maximus Prime the bacon shit, and I got Kate a different turkey one because I didn't know what you wanted. Shit, I forgot drinks."

Chloe left again. All of us thanked her before she was completely gone and started to dig in. It was really quiet; I didn't know we were this hungry. I tried to eat slow, but I was ready to inhale it. I saw Chloe come back, but with only two cups.

"You guys can share, right?" She asked with a smirk.

Kate and I stared at the cup, but Kate replied, "Only if she's okay with it."

"Um... my cup is still full, actually. It's really cold, but I’ll keep drinking it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah!" That was a lie. My coffee cup was completely empty, but I wasn't prepared for such a direct question.

We all ate and conversed once in a while, talking about our favorite movies and what we do in our spare time. I only listened, but everyone always looked at me in case I had something to say. Kate, Rachel, and even Chloe were getting along together. I finished my food first and pretended to drink out of my cup in very tiny sips. After I put the cup down, Chloe snatched it from my side and shook it around.

"This bitch empty!" She exclaimed. She threw it across the empty shop, echoing and bouncing off the tile. Great, now I was exposed.

"Max, it's okay, we could drink from the same one." Kate slid her cup to me. I hesitated, but I took the cover off and drank from the rim. I could hear Chloe and Rachel scoff in disbelief.

The other three eventually finished and we were the last ones to leave. Chloe had to get up early tomorrow to open the place again.

"My friends need me. Again," Kate announced as she took her phone out, reading off a text, “They’re at a theater. I need them to pick me up.”

"Kate, we could drop you off. Chloe has a car." I pointed at the gray matte car on the side of the street.

"It's fine," she started to type in a number, "You three already did a lot for me."

"We could take an Uber instead," Rachel suggested, "Or Max could."

Kate put her phone down. Her face was full of thought. I watched as looked around, pressing her lips together, and swinging her foot around. She eventually put her phone back in her pocket.

"Could we go together?" Kate asked Rachel.

"Of course," Rachel turn to me and Chloe, "I'll see you guys later, okay?"

"Yeah, we'll hang outside," Chloe grabbed my arm, "Let's go, Maxsacre."

We separated and, as soon as I closed the car door, Chloe punched me in the arm.

"What was that for?" I grabbed and rubbed my arm.

"That's for chickening out on indirectly kissing her."

"There's next time!"

"Okay, yeah, what the fuck ever." Chloe started the car. I just knew that I was going to get lectured at home.

#life is strange #max caulfield #kate marsh #marshfield #my fanfiction

[junjunkii]

for the sapphic flower asks meme: daisy, campanula, poppy, lilac, violet, forget-me-not, sunflower, peony, daffodil, magnolia! sorry this got so long!

daisy: are you in love/have a crush rn? uhhh well i like @21deep and i think everyone knows that by now but honestly idk?? if it’s a crush?? or even romantic at all?? i just like her a lot

campanula: what’s your favourite thing about being sapphic/a wlw? girls are soft and good and nice to hold and i just love that i love girls so much ahhh

poppy: are you nonbinary? if yes, how did you realize? Yes I have floated around as demiboy and demigirl in the past but right now I’m at a comfortable agender state. I don’t really know how I realized? I think I followed a webcomic on Tapastic about a non binary person and the exposure just kind of had a domino effect until the point I realized I myself was non binary. But I don’t know when that was either!!

lilac: do you have any coming out stories? if yes, talk about them! Ahhh I don’t think I have any that I want to share in detail… it’s never been anything dramatic. Coming out to my parents was the most nerve-wracking but they’re very accepting so the nerves were over in like a few hours. Idk these days people my age will just ask me right out and I’ll confirm, no one’s ever made a fuss or anything over it.

violet: who are some of your sapphic role models? I… I don’t have any… ;-; someone recommend me some sapphic artists please my crops are dying

forget-me-not: is there a girl who made you realize you were not straight? if yes, talk about her! Well she was my best friend since seventh grade up until nearing the end of tenth grade. She was also my first girlfriend. I probably liked her from the moment I met her but I wasn’t really aware of the whole concept that I myself could be gay so I didn’t realize it until the summer before ninth grade. Ninth grade was probably the hardest year of my life, trying to keep it together, since she had a boyfriend. But they broke up and we got together like right after, which should have been a huge red flag to me, but this was my first girlfriend and I was so desperate and depressed from waiting so long that I just went along with it without thinking. Looking back, that was probably the worst relationship I’ve ever been in, all the way back to seventh grade. Being called names and made fun of constantly, past the normal amount between friends, has probably damaged me pretty badly. And then she sealed the final nail in the coffin by cheating on me with a guy and then having the absolute audacity to dump me. So yeah. First girl I loved was not great. But I am glad to be working past that, and that it has not affected too terribly much my pride in being sapphic.

sunflower: are your best friends sapphic/wlw I’m friends with a wide variety of genders but… I have my suspicions about a few of them…

peony: what’s your favourite sapphic-themed artwork? Dude I dunno… that one vintage poster of the mermaid looking up girl’s skirts as they ice-skate is a good one lol but I’m not really exposed to much sapphic artwork seeing as I’m the biggest fan of sports anime and their respective fanworks, which are mostly mlm. But any saphhic-themed artwork in those fandoms is automatically my favourite I think…

magnolia: are you butch, femme…? (Switching the order bc I want daffodil to be last) uh well it’s kind of funny but when I’m single I’ll lean towards wanting to be more butch but it’s my dream to find a buff butch girlfriend and be her ass-kicking femme partner haha… it’s… kind of embarrassing actually… (that being said I do also kind of become more femme no matter what my girlfriend looks like so there’s also that.)

daffodil: what advice would you give to a younger sapphic/wlw dwelling in self-hatred and loneliness? Where you are now is not where you will be forever. Even if you are paralyzed where you float, the river will keep flowing. You will move. When you are ready, you can swim. But it is ok to just keep your head above water for now if that is all you are capable of doing. Look at you. So beautiful. I’m so proud of you. I can’t wait to see you swim, but I will wait as long as I have to. Just promise me you won’t give up and drown, ok? There is so much more than these rapids and rocks. You have no idea what rainbows over waterfalls look like yet, do you? They are nearly as wonderful as you.

#this was so long but so worth it #ask meme

[endenogatai]

Omers Ventures outs €300M European fund — Q&A with Managing Partner Harry Briggs

Omers Ventures, the venture capital arm of Canadian pension fund Omers, is officially launching a new €300 million fund aimed at European technology startups.

Headed up by Harry Briggs, who was previously at BGF Ventures, Omers Europe will back companies at Series A to B stage. The new fund will typically invest between €5m-€10m per round, while also having the capacity to follow on in future rounds for the most promising portfolio companies.

Prior to his time at BGF — which ended rather abruptly due to “strategic changes” at the U.K. firm — Briggs was previously at Balderton Capital. His investments are said to include UK unicorn The Hut Group, Magic Pony (acquired by Twitter in 2016), GoCardless, Paddle, Touch Surgery, Appear Here and Revolut.

He also has decent entrepreneur stripes, having founded and exited Firefly Tonics, a health drinks company, which he expanded to 35 countries, before selling to private equity firm Langholm Capital.

Meanwhile, according to my sources, Briggs joined Omers some months ago and has been busy recruiting a small team for Omers in Europe.

Joining him at launch is Tara Reeves, who was most recently a Partner at LocalGlobe and is said to have led investments in Bricklane, Cleo, Cuvva, Floodflash, Tide and Trussle, providing her with insurance tech and finntech expertise. Tara also co-founded Turo, a car-sharing marketplace that has raised over $200 million.

Also joining Omers in Europe is Henry Gladwyn, who previously managed seed investments for the founders of DeepMind.

Below follows an email Q&A with Omers Europe Managing Partner Harry Briggs where we discuss the new fund’s remit, why Omers is different to other funds in terms of how it is financed, the influx of U.S. capital into Europe, and Briggs’ advise for dealing with VC (and journalist) egos.

TC: Omers Ventures in Europe plans to do Series A and B investments, typically writing cheques between €5m-€10m per round, as well as following on. Can you be more specific regarding the types of companies, technologies, business models or sectors you are focussing on?

HB: I’d summarise it as “consequential companies that will have meaningful impact on society”: we’re unusual in that our funds don’t come from wealthy family trusts – they’re the retirement savings of 500,000 municipal workers – people who make Ontario society function. OMERS’ other assets follow a similar theme – OMERS builds and owns the airports, utilities, railways, hospitals and commercial and residential buildings that make up the fabric of major world cities. So in OMERS Ventures Europe we want to invest in the companies reshaping how we live and work: for example, Health-tech, FinTech, PropTech, Mobility – obviously because we think there will be huge European successes in those areas to make great commercial returns for the retirement plans of the OMERS members; but also because they’re areas we’re passionate about, that OMERS members care about, and where there are obvious synergies with the other parts of OMERS.

TC: You’ve recruited Tara Reeves from LocalGlobe and Henry Gladwyn, who previously managed seed investments for the founders of DeepMind, but I gather you’re not done yet. What other recruitment plans does Omers Ventures have in Europe, either in the investment team or operations?

HB: We plan to build gradually to a team of 7 or 8 investors – from managing partner to associate level. We’re particularly looking right now at investors and operators with strong Continental European connections, and people with health-tech and deep-tech experience. But we’re in no rush. Toronto already has a superb operations team helping portfolio companies on talent and marketing, who are on hand to help our companies here – but in due course as our portfolio grows we will add operations support here too.

TC: What can we expect Omers Ventures to bring to Europe that doesn’t already exist, aside from another €300 million of venture capital?

HB: First, how many European Venture funds can tap into colleagues on every continent, and connections to giant assets under the same roof like Thames Water, Associated British Ports, US healthcare chains or a $50B property portfolio:- if you’re a health-tech, FinTech, Mobility or Prop-tech company, OMERS Ventures can offer a different level of experience and connections.

Second, I see founders and consumers as increasingly ethics-conscious: and in that environment it matters where your funds come from, and what else you’re investing in. Founders can know that if they build a giant business with OMERS Ventures money, they won’t be making billionaires even richer – they’ll be improving 500,000 Canadian workers’ retirement plans.

Technology will always have positive and negative impact, but in recent years we’ve seen tech giants become instruments of mass surveillance and mass-manipulation, undermining democracy and societal cohesion in the reckless pursuit of power and profit. The tech backlash is, finally, coming, and I think being a fund that questions the longer-term societal impact of our investments could help set us apart for the next generation of founders. Easier said than done, of course.

Lastly, our set-up means we’re 100% aligned with long-term value creation – OMERS needs to fund pensions 50+ years out – so founders can trust that we’ll always be pushing for the long-term great outcome, not short-term profits.

TC: In your announcement blog post you write that more and more VC firms are using data and technology to source deal-flow and reach beyond location and investment team size. How is Omers Ventures in Europe planning to use technology?

HB: We’re already working on building this with a fantastic team: Europe is a really unusual ecosystem, because talent is spread across so many different cities with so many different languages and cultures. That poses a big challenge to funds trying to find the biggest opportunities across the continents through network alone. But increasingly the data is there to flag many of the most exciting companies at an early stage, even if they’re outside the major hubs. This can be an advantage for us in the short-term, but we believe this will be table stakes in the future of VC.

TC: Related to this, you say that even though the “big four” Series A firms in Europe — Index, Accel, Balderton and Atomico — have managed to remain dominant over the last ten years, U.S. funds like Sequoia, Benchmark, Bessemer, and A16Z are threatening this dominance. Is this a good or bad thing for the European ecosystem?

HB: Undeniably this is a great thing for founders: more money for good companies, more competition among funds to provide the most value to founders, and more great funds to coinvest with. There may be some fair-weather tourists among the US funds, who disappear when times get tough – but generally we have much to learn from the top US funds and it should raise our game.

TC: You also write that switching VC jobs is “complicated” and then ambiguously refer to “half-truths” and “soul searching,” amongst other things. It’s hard not to interpret this as a reference to your abrupt departure from BGF after the firm had a change in strategy. Perhaps you can clarify?

HB: I’m usually a pretty frank / candid person – but during a job-change you always have to keep that tendency in check: trying to keep my plans from journalists has been a particular challenge, as you know Steve :-) Also, life is short, the pace of VC makes it best-suited to the young, and VC works best in long stints (it takes years to see investments through, and carry typically vests over many years), so one can’t make too many mis-steps… What mattered most to me was being able to have substantive impact, working with super-smart, high-integrity people: and I feel I’ve landed in the perfect place.

TC: In the same blog post you write that “The ego’s of VCs still largely exceed our value,” which is something that is bound to resonate with some of our readers. How much is VC ego a problem and what advice would you give to founders with regards to managing a VC’s ego?

HB: Most of the VCs I know are impressive, thoughtful people whom I look up to. But we’re all vulnerable to pride and insecurity and ego – it’s human nature to give ourselves too much credit when things go well, and cast about for someone else to blame when they don’t. VC egos only really get tested in the tough times – so we’ll learn much more if and when the correction comes. My advice to founders would be, test VCs for how open they are about their mistakes, how much they seek to learn and grow from them rather than divert blame for them; ask when they’ve changed their minds about something important. And see how they talk about founders:- to quote Anton Ego in Ratatouille, “We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment.” – good VCs should have the humility to admit that whilst this job is in so many ways a huge privilege, we remain mere parasites compared to the people doing the real work of building the businesses.

TC: Finally — while we’re on the subject of egos — do you have any advice for founders on how to manage journalist egos, too? My friends tell me they can be pretty huge.

HB: Ha! Insecurity breeds ego, and journalism has been a pretty insecure profession for some time… But thankfully there are diamonds in the rough!

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8204425 https://ift.tt/2CDRcdd via IFTTT

#IFTTT #RSSMix.com Mix ID 8204425