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junislqve · 3 days

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⟡ stay in my memories

when you had finally started to accept your past, it comes back to haunt you

pairs ex!jake + reader content angst kissing jake being toxic wordcount 1404 — find my other works

note ending is highkey rushed and was supposed to be happy, but this is self indulgent, so! i also listened to memories an ungodly amount while writing this

YOU HUFFED AS YOUR DOORBELL RANG FOR THE SECOND TIME. it was 11pm. a few minutes ago, your friend had just left after picking up her cat from the week-long vacation she had with her boyfriend. you had sensed she’d forgotten something.

when it rang once more, you begrudgingly stood up dragging your legs to the front door. the lights to your small living room was already off save for one that was only enough to illuminate the front door.

you sigh as the door click open, “you really need to stop forget-”

“hi, babyy”

your heart dropped. not because of how the man in front of you accidentally stumbled and now practically has his boy weight supported by you, and also somehow not because of how his hands circle your body and rest on your waist like how it used to.

it was his voice that did.

his voice that you swore on everything you would never want to hear again. hating how it sounded so much you’d bail on any man that sounded similar to him or had his accent.

how could you not when only a few simple words uttered with that voice had your mind reeling? repeating the same heart wrenching sentence in your head over and over again, it engraved itself.

it was pouring outside. you’ve been very stuffed with schoolwork and your finals coming up. papers spread out everywhere on your table and books scattered on your bedsides and floor.

you felt a tickle on your ankle and watched as your dog rubbed its side on your body, begging for attention. you chuckle, dropping your pen and bending down to pick her up. sitting her on your lap as you rubbed its back.

“i’m sorry, i just need to finish this paper and i’ll promise i’ll give you some attention, okay?” you coo at her, it hung her head low but complied, laying her head on your lap.

a moment later, your phone lit up. you stared at the caller and with no hesitation immediately picked it up, a smile growing on your face, “hi, babe-”

“let’s break up”

you stopped. the pouring rain seemed to have hushed in a matter of seconds, the air around you felt constricted. your dog stayed silent, looking up at you in confusion.

“what?”

“it’s just going to be hard keeping up our relationship in the long run. i’m graduating and you still have two years”

“so?”

“so i don’t want to hold each other back” he sounded frustrated.

“so that’s it?” you ask, voice heavy. “you’re going to leave me because you don’t want to wait two years for me?”

“you’re twisting my words”

“that’s exactly what you said, jake”

“i’m sorry”

no he’s not.

“no, you’re not” you say, you wait for a second too long before hanging up. you damn well know he’s not, because if he was you wouldn’t be crying as hard as you are right now. your chest wouldn’t have felt as painful as it does.

there was nothing but confusion that clouded your mind the following days. you were trying to reason with yourself why he’d ever break up with you.

your boyfriend is the sweetest yet most comforting guy you’ve ever known. or at least, was. you thought there must be something wrong with you.

everything reminded you of him. back then, you thought you hit the lottery when he landed as your first love as well as your first boyfriend. you never doubted your relationship, he was always there for you whenever you needed him and you never turned him down if he needed a shoulder.

every waking moment after the breakup felt plain to you. habits and hobbies turned more of a chore, some of the things you did were picked up from his habits.

you were quiet about your breakup. it took a total of 13 days until anyone found out. your friends having to fish it out of you when they felt how quiet and more zoned out you’ve become.

for three months, jake’s name was not allowed to be uttered. it was a rule your friend made. she knew anything correlated to him could tip you off, but what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.

she didn’t know that you’d still visit his old album from time to time just to feel something. to remember all the ways he loved you and all the ways he wasn’t there to, anymore.

you can’t let go the feeling of how he would hug you, all the times he would kiss you giggles filling out every corner of the room. the moments he’d lay on the bed with you, whispering sweet nothings lulling you to sleep.

you still can feel all of that, a ghost of the past you were never willing to let go.

you wished time could heal all of you completely. because now when you swore you have finally started to move on, he has his body slumped on yours, breath fanning your neck.

“jake?” you curse yourself from how quiet it came out. your voice wavering, your breath shallow before you slowly walk in, his body still slumped on yours.

he hummed, “i missed you” he dug his head deeper into your neck, making you physically sick.

you tug him off, stabling him by his shoulders and you wished you didn’t. you could see his state now. his hair was all messed up, face tinted red from drinking and he had that pout. his eyes attempting to blink itself awake as he looks at you through sleepy eyes.

“jake” you say again, finding your voice. that pout of his grew at your tone.

“don’t you miss me?” he asks, voice so soft you almost gave in. his hands still hover on your waist and you’d lie if you said you weren’t fully aware of it.

“i’ll grab you some water” you say, walking out of his reach. the heat from his body slowly seeping away as you walk to grab a glass of water.

you turn back to see him sat on the couch, his head laying on the arm rest, legs sprawled sideways. tapping him on the shoulder, his eyes crease open along with that smile of his. your heart clenched.

he grabs the cup and downs it in one gulp, “thank you” he says quietly.

when you were about to grab it and walk back to the kitchen, jake had tugged your shirt causing you to topple on top of him on the couch.

“you haven’t said you missed me back” he said, head buried in your hair, breathing you in.

you gathered all of you to push against him and stand up, “jake, stop”

“i know you’re sober”

it barely showed, but you could see the slight waver of his smile.

“i miss you” he says for the third time tonight, eyes open but still slightly glazed.

“you’re being selfish” tears start to well up. it’s overwhelming to say the least. how could he just show up at your doorstep months later giving you false hope? after everything he’s made you go through.

“i know” he starts, sitting up slightly, “and i know i have no right to come back here begging for you to come back. but i miss you”

“you should leave” you look away.

“please”

“jake”

“i’m sorry” he says, “but i’ll do better this time”

maybe it was those eyes that convinced you, or the sliver of sincerity you pretended to see in his eyes or maybe once again it was that voice that allured you. but you gave in.

he brought you in for a kiss. one that you’ve undoubtedly miss all these months of being apart. jake just knew how to bring you back into his arms. he held you all night long and between the kiss and the cuddling, you dozed into a sleep you haven’t felt for months.

you shifted, you peek at the light hitting your eyes from the slip of the curtains.

you rolled over, the space beside you, cold.

you sat up, the blanket falling off your body as you looked around the living room. trying to grasp at the hazy memory of last night.

the table in front of the couch is neat. when your eyes focused there was a scrap of paper placed on it.

‘i don’t deserve you, i’m sorry

-love, j’

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rationaliity · 18 hours

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there's a lot of words in here about that one fanart that i saw of ratio having an emo phase, you're so welcome guys for those who say my favorite is welt yang & not ratio,,,, how does it feel being wrong ( i still love welt yang SO much it makes me look stupid )

you swore you remember who veritas ratio was ! that was the guy who went to school at veritas prime on recommendation and absolutely blew through every single class that he attended. shoot, you were sure he taught a few classes himself despite being a student there. he was that unkempt guy, with the messy, slightly wavy dyed indigo hair that he clearly never brushed, the hair dye always overgrown and showing his brown roots, and the tongue piercing. he was tired looking, always having bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, with so much eyeshadow lazily slapped on for the added effect that he undoubtedly slept in for three nights in a row before he finally took a shower. and he always smelled so strongly of weed that it would make someone's eyes water a little bit just by standing around him for a minute or two.

you were sure that he slept through every single class, if he even bothered to show up, anyway. unless it was a test day, or he just wanted to show up and fuck around with the less gifted, you doubted he ever showed up. probably too busy trying to prove to his parents that he was more than his brains, of course. didn't he have a garage band with a few of his friends that went to a different school than him ? what was it called again ? ' irrational piety ' ? was that a joke on his name and pi ? and... god ? edgy, egotistical, and nerdy, exactly who he was as a person summed up short and sweet.

he was that guy who had approached you so many times in veritas prime, asking you about yourself, trying to show off. he was clumsy with it, his manner and the way he spoke made it clear that his family was filled with important people. scholars, doctors, teachers of any type. there was no doubt that genius was simply a way of living at his house, and he was determined at this time to be different.

you had to admit, it was charming in its own way. veritas wasn't your typical crowd that you would hang around with, but he was somehow still sort of down to earth in his own way, although it was silly. you thought it was cute how he bumbled over his words trying to be cool in front of you. you tried to pretend to be aloof and indifferent to his advances, but you leaned into them at the same time, too. you knew that he would listen if you told him to wash the makeup off his face. you told him it was because he didn't need it, but in reality, you were just worried about his skin back then. you weren't downright rude to him, and you found yourself laughing with him more often than you found yourself laughing at him.

you remembered when you spent that night with him in his dorm, and how weird it felt in your stomach for months when he graduated two years earlier than he was supposed to, and left you behind. you knew that he had to go do something important, you knew that was just who he was. no matter who he was going to be externally, you never had any doubt that he was going to be someone so incredibly important to the world around you, possibly to the entire cosmos. you thought that his passion for learning was going to outweigh anything else, and maybe you were right. you had lost contact with him for years, you honestly had no idea where he was now.

so who was this in front of you claiming to be doctor veritas ratio of the intelligentsia guild, and why did he have the same face as that man you knew in school ? there was a pause, a moment of recollection between the two of you, and you opened your mouth to say something, anything, but the words didn't come out. he looked so similar, but so different at the same time. it seemed that despite everything, he decided to keep up with the indigo hair, although he was doing a great job at keeping up with his root touchups. he probably got it done every two weeks religiously now.

" dr. ratio ? " you repeated his official title weakly, finally. you weren't surprised that he was who he was, no, that wasn't it. maybe it was just the nostalgia, coming face to face with the man who had so quickly and unwittingly became your first love, even if you never openly said it out loud to him. " you, err, decided to drop the eyeshadow, i guess ? "

in a moment, veritas' face paled, and he found himself at a loss for words. " ..yes, i did. that was a long time ago, i'm not the same person i used to be. "

" i think you're exactly the same, " you cut him off, shaking your head with a little smile on your face. " i mean, you don't have the dark eyeshadow anymore, and you smell like you shower now. you probably have those fancy baths with the bath bombs and flowers and milk to make your skin soft, am i right ? but you're still you, you know what i'm saying ? pre or post garage band. "

veritas seemed to calm down with your words, although it was clear that he wasn't happy that you still recalled that garage band that he so desperately wanted to erase from everyone's memories. and yet, he found himself chuckling softly, shaking his head. " out of all of the things i've created, i've yet to create something that entirely erases specific memories from people. how i wish i could make you forget all that you saw back then. "

" well, i remember. and i don't ever intend to forget, " you joked softly, tentatively stepping over the big question. did that night mean anything ? did any of it mean anything, actually ? sure, you can say that he's the same man, but is he really ? the man back then would've stumbled over his own feet to get you to look at him, and you found it so cute that you couldn't help but give in and fall in love with him. you'd always regretted not telling him, but here you were, with what could perhaps be a second chance just waiting on the horizon for you. if you played your cards right, if veritas wanted you to play your hand. " what happened ? "

" i grew up, " he responded, as if he had anticipated this question, something that you knew he likely had. " i couldn't just stay that way forever. people.. didn't respect me enough to hear what i was saying. "

" do you miss it ? "

" no, not really. "

you held your cards closer to your chest. that was a pretty clear answer to any of your questions so far, which might hurt if you gave yourself time to think about it, but you wouldn't. instead, you just gave him a silly little grin. " pity, i thought you were rather cute with your fake tattoos. do you still have the tongue piercing ? "

veritas paused for a moment, before opening his mouth, showing off the little ball on his tongue. " i thought about letting it close up, but decided against it. " you remembered so clearly how that piercing felt against your- now was not the moment to think about things like that.

" why do you still dye your hair ? " you asked, trying to think of something else other than his piercing at the moment. " not that i don't like the indigo. i think it suits you. "

" i believe it's just become a necessary part of my appearance. i don't think i look right with just brown hair, but that's subjective. now i have the proper schedule to keep up with care, so i make sure its always taken care of. " veritas doesn't sound awkward any more answering any of your questions. on the contrary, it looks like he's enjoying it, just a little bit. although you knew better than to mention that out loud. no matter what his appearance was, you knew the core of his personality was still the exact same. some things never change.

you felt so stuck in the past, unable to distinct this veritas from the man bumbling over his own feet so long ago. but you had to admit, veritas still made your heart beat so wildly out of your chest. you weren't sure if it was the memories, or just who he was as a person. " well, that's a lot of questions just to say that i think you look great, no matter what you wear or how you present yourself. appearances don't really matter at the end of the day. not to those who really care. "

" thank you, " veritas couldn't stop a small smile from forming on his face, and for a second you saw him again, the golden retriever of a person, hidden beneath layers. " ...would you like to catch up over coffee later ? "

you couldn't stop yourself from laughing a little bit, raising an eyebrow. " veritas, i thought you didn't like coffee ? "

" oh... well, my tastes have changed, too. " what a liar. maybe he really hasn't changed all that much at the end of the day.

— ♡ rationaliity 2024

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asolareclipses · 2 days

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(Previous Part)

“Gods this heat is killing me.”

Will looked back at Jason who was drenched in sweat from the summer sun. “Maybe we should take a quick break.”

“I don’t get how you’re not melting right now,” Jason said as he practically collapsed on the ground.

Will shrugged, “Maybe it’s an Apollo thing. Sun resistance or whatever.”

Jason squinted as he looked up at Will, “Huh.”

Will turned to face the quiet road beside them his face turning somber, “We’re never going to make it there at this pace.”

Jason sighed as he ducked his head in a pointless action to avoid the sun. “I mean we’re halfway there right?”

With a groan of frustration Will turned to Jason, “If only we didn’t breakdown in the middle of nowhere.”

Jason opened his mouth the speak but was interrupted by a loud car horn.

Will watched as a small rusted truck slowly rolled to a stop next to them, the window squeaking as it slid down.

“You boys need a ride?” An old man spoke with a southern twang.

Simultaneously, Will and Jason looked at each other, both with clear skepticism. This had ‘Trap’ written all over it, however they had no other choice.

“Sure,” Will replied with a halfhearted smile, motioning for Jason to follow him.

In no time they were riding smoothly, somewhat, down the empty road in the worn down truck. The inside was no better than the outside either as the seats were clearly old with some tears and stains. Each floorboard was caked with dirt along with scattered pieces of trash or machine parts.

Will scanned each inch of the truck but, apart from its lack of cleanliness, it was perfectly normal. No evil tortue tools or suspicious mythical items. It was exactly what you’d expect from some random southern man. The man himself wasn’t strange either, no third eye or sharp teeth, rather something about him felt oddly familiar.

“So you two off on some adventure?” The man joked as he glanced in the rear view mirror at Jason with a sudden look of melancholy.

“Um we were just,” Will paused trying to come up with something. “On our way to visit our grandparents in Maine.”

Jason glanced skeptically at Will, to which Will read as, ‘In what world are we siblings?’

“Well isn’t that nice,” The man smiled, “Good thing I ran across you two because i’m headed the same way.”

Will thought that ‘coincidence’ should’ve made him nervous but for some reason he felt as if he weren’t in any type of danger.

“How’d you two get stranded?” The man continued the conversation in a relaxed manner.

“The-I mean my car broke down,” Will winced at his own stuttering.

The man shook his head, “Those are some tough roads from manhattan huh?”

Will froze, turning to the man. “I never said where we came from.”

The man’s eyes widened for a split second, “Lucky guess huh?”

Will just stared back, inching closer to the door as if to make a sudden escape.

The man sighed with a frown, “Perhaps i’m not the actor I believed I was. My skills seem to be getting quite rusty.” The southern accent disappeared as he spoke in an eerily familiar tone. “Dressed as an old man. Oh how convincing I am. Yet still I get caught.”

Wills eyes widened as he realized the drivers real identity, “Dad?!”

——

Jason almost got whiplash as he heard what Will said. ‘Dad?’ In no world was this old man Apollo, still there he was, Haikus and all.

“I’m conflicted on whether I should be disappointed in my disguise skills or happy that my child is so quick-witted.” The once old man, now Apollo spoke with a grin.

“Why are you-How are you here?” Will seemed just as shocked as Jason felt.

“I can be anywhere I want of course, and where is better than here?” Apollo words sounded similar to that of riddles. “A good father can give his son a ride once in a while right?”

“Won’t you get in trouble for interfering with, you know, demigod stuff?” Will asked.

“What ‘demigod’ stuff?” Apollo asked his voice pitching a bit higher. “This is just a regular ride with no ulterior motive. At least that’s what i’m going to tell Zeus if he finds out.” He glanced back in the mirror again but as his eyes met Jason’s he quickly looked away with a small frown.

Jason couldn’t help but to remember the last time he’d seen Apollo. He could still feel the coldness of the water, how it felt as he realized his life was about to end.

“So is this your car?” Will’s voice snapped Jason out of his thoughts and back to the current moment.

Apollo shrugged, “Any car can be my car.”

Will raised an eyebrow as his father.

“Okay, I may have borrowed it. But it’s not like anyone will miss this thing, I’ll just replace it with a new one. It’s not like I could’ve used the sun chariot, that would be far too obvious.”

“Right..” Will said, biting back a smile.

“Consider this a favor,” Apollo said his voice suddenly somber. “I know I owe you two far more than just this.” His eyes glanced back at Jason again for only a second.

Will frowned but quickly changed the subject upon sensing the tension, “Do you know what’s going on, if Nico is okay?”

Apollo frowned, “Oh how I wish I could tell you.” His fingers tightened around the wheel, “There is not much I know, just the darkness you all have been so aware of. I can’t predict this outcome and even if I could there would be no speaking it. But you are strong, you are light. Remember that Will.”

Jason could see Will’s face scrunching in confusion but he didn’t say anything, instead he leaned against the window to his side with a distant look in his eyes.

Apollo began to drone on about what he’d been recently doing before he switched over to asking Will as many ‘fatherly’ questions as he possibly could. Jason almost felt left out, he knew his father would never speak to him like that. His father hadn’t even bothered to say anything to him since he came back. Perhaps that was for the best, maybe him acknowledging Jasons existence would mean his end. Or worse, Leo could face consequences too. Jason’s thoughts continued to consume him until he realized that they were slowing down.

Apollo looked at the two passengers hesitantly as the truck rolled to a stop, “This is as far as I can go.”

Will smiled, his eyes without any joy. “Thank you Dad.”

“Anytime Will, I wish I could-” Apollo stopped himself. “Be safe, and bring back Nico.”

“I will,” Will nodded stopping out of the truck.

As Jason turned to exit Apollo suddenly spoke, “Jason.” He paused, “For all that happened, I..I truly am sorry.”

Jason froze for a moment tightly gripping the door handle, he turned to Apollo with a strained smile and shook his head. “Don’t apologize, it was just fate.” He spoke before quickly pushing the door open and stepping out.

Apollo frowned as if he wanted to say something more but decided not to. With a smile and wave he drove off, “Remember who you are Will!” He called out as his voice faded into the wind.

The two of them stood there until the truck was just a spot on the horizon before turning to the rusted sign that read, “Westover Hall 1 Mile Ahead.”

“Well,” Jason turned to Will his voice void of enthusiasm, “We’re here.”

Will bit his lip as he stared at the large school in the distance, “Let’s hope we’re not too late.”

Part Nine?

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wuxiaphoenix · 2 days

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Worldbuilding: Outliving Emperors

There’s a common tendency in a lot of fantastic fiction portraying long-lived races or individuals interacting with shorter-lived types. It often defaults to, “they have a mindset of slow and patient consideration in the face of Problems. After all, they have plenty of time.”

(Until, of course, they don’t, and the Evil Overlord obliterates lots or possibly all of them.)

It’s a valid way to portray a fantasy race, I guess. But I think it misses a critical consideration of sapient life. And that’s pattern recognition.

To boil it down - if you’ve lived a long time, and you pay attention to what’s going on around you, sooner or later you will recognize when things are about to go nastily sideways. The river-folk down there and the mountain-folk up there have had a new generation grow up without bloodshed; sooner or later some young buck out to make a name for himself is going to dig up the old feuds all over again. Or, we’ve had three years of bad harvests in a row, I bet the nomads think we’re weak now, let’s watch for raids. Or (and much worse), this guy is making speeches about a Glorious Past and Restoring the Nation to its Rightful Place in World Affairs... right, time to duck, world war incoming.

If you’ve had time, you’ve seen things happen. If you’ve had enough time, and survived it, and even a little breather afterward, you can sift back through the history leading up to When All The Maps Got Arrowy, and try to see what set the whole mess off. So if you see similar precursors go off again....

Slow and patient consideration might not actually be your preferred plan. Instead, you might opt for, find the bastards and shut them down, fast.

Someone slaps you? Walk out now, no matter what anyone else thinks. Squatters on your land? Find them and toss them out on their ears so hard they bounce. Sabers rattled your direction? Make it absolutely clear there will be heavy weapons firing back - as soon as fired on, not “two years later after we’ve deliberated it to death”.

Because if you’ve lived for a while, and you anticipate living a lot longer - think about it. “I’ll be a slave for a decade, then die,” is bad. “I’ll be a slave for a century, and that’s only if they let me die-”

Yeah. That’s worse.

With a long lifespan, the number of Bad Things that can happen to you automatically increases, just by virtue of your being alive to have them happen. Why would you want to give any avoidable Bad Thing a chance to happen?

Wouldn’t it be possible that an elf, cultivator, dragon, or other creature who might live centuries, might actually be quicker to act than regular humans?

I have found this in one fantasy setting. In Lejentia, by Flying Buffalo Games, the Aelvan Nations finally beat down and imprisoned the Hyl Sudiar (Hellish Seducer) and the demon who possessed him, and breathed a sigh of relief. Some centuries later, said demon persuaded another person to become the next Hyl Sudiar... and the Aelvan Nations declared war immediately.

Human kingdoms: “Whyfor you do that?”

Human kingdoms a few centuries later, after despite all efforts the Hyl Sudiar’s armies have conquered half the world: “...Oh.”

I have to think about this, given I have a story that has at least one nearly three-hundred-years-old vampire, and a somewhat younger cultivator who has still outlived three emperors and is working on a fourth. (Zhengle, Jiajing, Longqing, and Wanli, if you’re interested.) They’ve seen threats to their people. They know, over and over again, what it is to lose people to the actions of evil men. What it is to live on, while those you love die, and it never stops hurting....

Long life might not mean slow and deliberate action. Just a thought.

#creative writing #worldbuilding

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runninriot · 20 hours

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inspired by the song Solitude by Black Sabbath, written for @steddiesongfics june song fics

Memories I Have Remind Me Of You

wc: 1999 | rated: T | tags: modern au, friends to lovers to exes to lovers, marriage proposal, dealing with heartbreak and regrets, Steve needs a little push from a stranger to make it right, sad but with a happy ending

The girl is nice. She’s pretty. Big eyes, plush lips, a kind smile, dimples.

Fucking dimples.

Her hair’s long and curly, doesn’t remind Steve of anyone in particular.

It doesn’t.

He does not think about someone else when the warm colour of her brown irises makes him remember.

Steve tries to listen when she talks, tries to laugh when she giggles sweetly, tries not to jerk away when she brushes his hand in a flirty manner but it’s hard to focus when his mind isn’t where it should be.

Did she just ask him a question?

“You didn’t even listen, huh?”

Steve shakes his head, looks back up at her, tries for an apologetic smile but to his confusion, she doesn’t even seem mad at him for not paying attention.

No, it’s worse.

She’s got that empathic, knowing look in her eyes. Like she can see right through him.

You’re so easy to read, baby.

He was never good at pretending.

“I’m not boring you, am I.”

It’s not really a question. The girl knows she’s a good catch, knows she isn’t the problem – Steve is.

“No, uh. Sorry, I-“

Who is he even trying to fool? No excuse he’s trying to come up with would be good enough because if he looks how he feels, it must be written all over his face. No way to hide the obvious.

I can see it in your eyes, baby. Your eyes always tell the truth.

Steve should’ve known it was a bad idea the moment he saw her picture, noticed the similarities. She instantly reminded him of-

He shouldn’t have agreed to this date.

Not because he doesn’t like her, no. She’s perfect, really. Or she would be.

They matched on a dating app, texted a bit back an forth. She was fun to talk to, made him laugh. And when she asked him if he wanted to meet, he thought that maybe it would help. That maybe this was his sign to finally get his ass back out there. He’d been holed up at home for too long. Sulking, sad, depressed.

Life just hasn’t been the same ever since.

His favourite meal has lost its taste. His favourite songs all sound off-key. Going to his favourite bar just seems like a waste of time - Steve’s life has lost its light, making everything seem dark and grey and dull.

Nothing is right anymore because everything reminds him of Eddie.

And Steve himself is the one to blame for his misery.

“I-“ Steve hesitates. He doesn’t want to bother her with his mess, didn’t come here to whine about things he can’t change. She didn’t come here to listen to him talk about his goddamn ex for fuck’s sake!

“What’s wrong?” she asks and Steve knows there’s no point in trying to pretend that everything’s fine when nothing ever is. Not anymore.

“I’m sorry for being such bad company,” Steve apologises and means it. She deserves better, could’ve gone on a date with someone worth spending her time with.

Someone actually interested in... something. Anything. Whatever it is she’s looking for.

Steve’s not it, that much is clear.

He’s not ready to move on. Maybe he never will be. Because what he had was all he ever wanted, all he ever needed to be happy. Life was good, perfect, before he ruined it all. Let the love of his life slip away because he was too afraid of the what ifs. So he pushed and he fought and he hurt the one that would’ve given him everything.

Now, Steve is just an empty shell of the man he used to be. Because the day Eddie left, he took Steve’s heart and soul with him, left him empty and broken and sad.

So fucking sad.

“You remind me of my ex.” The words are out before he can swallow them back down.

“Oh,” she answers, expression neutral. “Bad break-up?”

Steve nods. He doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to think about the day his whole life fell apart but-

“It was my fault. He left me because I fucked it up.”

The truth still hurts, even after all those months.

“What did you do?”

Steve and Eddie had met through a mutual friend, Dustin. It wasn’t quite love at first sight but close to it.

They quickly became friends, started hanging out on weekends, then, soon, even during the week. Spending the evenings after work at each other’s places, cooking dinner together, watching movies, talking.

Steve had never felt so drawn to another person, had never felt so comfortable in someone else’s presence. Eddie was... he was funny, kind, loud and wild. He had all these big dreams about what he wanted to do with his life. Dreams that were so very different from the small-town life Steve had always resigned himself to. Eddie wanted to travel the country, sleep under the stars, wake up next to a lake, follow the wind to wherever it would take him.

He wanted to be free.

But he stayed.

Eddie stayed because when they shared their first kiss in a weak moment of alcohol-fuelled recklessness, they ignited a fire that became too big too fast, making it impossible to smother the flames before they turned into burning desire that took a hold of them both. Scorching its way into their hearts where it settled, warm and bright, making light in every dark corner of their being.

It was the second first kiss that sealed their fate – a sober, slow, and tentative kiss in the low light of the morning sun that wiped away any worries and doubts Steve had when he woke up in Eddie’s arms after a night spent giving into their unspoken feelings as they took each other apart, not thinking about the consequences.

Knowing what it was like to wake up next to each other made it impossible to go back to simply being friends, to stay apart, to not fall in love.

Eddie and Steve were meant to be.

Together, everything felt right.

Eddie willingly put his own dreams aside for Steve who knew he could never repay him for the sacrifices he made just to be with him, tried to thank him every day by showing and telling him how much he loved him. And things were good, perfect.

Until-

“I don’t understand,” she says quietly when Steve takes a moment to breathe away the ache in his heart and the tears threatening to spill, “that sounds like a dream come true. What happened?”

Steve smiles sadly, sighs.

“Yeah, felt like a dream, too. But the thing with dreams is that no matter how beautiful they are, inevitably you will wake up.”

And a beautiful dream it was. Life was full of love and laughter and happy moments spent together, until Eddie proposed and Steve said No and the world tumbled down.

Because it was in that moment – with Eddie down on one knee, the simple gold ring Steve knew had belonged to Eddie’s uncle held between his thumb and finger as an offer, a promise to be his forever – that Steve realised he couldn’t do this to him. He couldn’t marry Eddie and keep him trapped in a life he never wanted just because Steve was too scared of giving up the safety of his home for a life on the road with no destination ahead and an unforeseeable future.

Steve said no to set him free but even then Eddie kept fighting for him, fucking apologised for putting ‘so much pressure’ on Steve with his question which- was insane because Eddie had done nothing wrong, ever. He had never been anything but wonderful and considerate and perfect. Steve had been the one not willing to compromise, who inadvertently put Eddie in a cage of his own making.

So he pushed and he fought and he hurt Eddie in order to give him back his freedom, thinking, believing he was doing the right thing. It was only when Eddie packed his bags and left that Steve realised he had made the biggest mistake of his life.

The moment Eddie walked out the door without looking back, Steve knew he had lost everything.

“Where is he now?”

“Hm?”

“Eddie. Where did he go?”

“I, uh...” Steve shouldn’t know the answer to this but he does. Because Dustin told him. Tells him whenever he gets a call or another letter from Eddie, ignoring the fact that it tears Steve apart every time. Or maybe he does it on purpose, punishing Steve for hurting his friend. And Steve lets him, never complains, always holds back his tears until he’s back in his fortress of solitude, where he can drown in his pain and sorrow.

He deserves to suffer for what he did.

“He’s in Michigan.”

“Huh.” She cocks her head, smiles. “It’s been what, 5 months you said? Pretty sure he could’ve gotten a lot further by now.”

“What do you mean?”

“For someone who’s always wanted to travel the whole damn country, he didn’t make it that far.”

“Eddie never made plans on where he wanted to go. Maybe he found a nice place to stay for a while before he lets his heart take him somewhere else.”

“Staying conveniently close for no reason whatsoever. Got it,” she scoffs.

Steve looks at her with pleading eyes, needs her to stop giving him ideas, can’t allow himself to let hope bloom.

“He’s free to go wherever he wants.”

“Maybe what Eddie really wants is for you to tell him to come home.”

Her words hit him hard like a slap across the face, ringing loudly in his ears.

“What if- What if he doesn’t?”

“You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

-------

“You left me.”

It’s not meant as an accusation, sounds like one though. And Steve can see in the way Eddie furrows his brows and tightens his lips, that it wasn’t the right thing to say.

“You told me to.” Eddie’s answer is short but calm, not filled with anger like Steve expected.

“I wanted you to stay!”

He knows it isn’t fair because Steve did tell him to leave. What right does he have to want him back, to ask for forgiveness?

“I didn’t want you to leave but I was scared that you’d wake up one day and realise that being with me isn’t enough. That being in love isn’t worth giving up your dreams. You shouldn’t have to give up your dreams for me! I should’ve gone with you. I love you. I-”

Steve is crying, can’t stop shaking. He’s so angry at himself, feels so powerless and stupid. And Eddie just stands there and stares at him confused like he doesn’t know that Steve would do everything for a second chance.

Just when Steve is about to give up, turns to go because if he stays here any longer, he’ll fall to his knees and make an even bigger fool of himself than he already has, two strong arms wrap around him from behind, keeping him from walking away.

“Don’t go,” Eddie whispers into his hair, tightens his grip to emphasise his words. “Stay.”

It’s what Steve should’ve said all those months ago, when he said the opposite instead.

Slowly, Steve turns within the arms holding him until he’s facing Eddie again. Eddie, who is so close now, Steve could bring their lips together by only moving in another inch or two. Could kiss away the tears running down Eddie’s cheeks.

“I can’t live without you, Eddie.”

“Then let me be with you.”

Their third first kiss is an angry one, rough and desperate. Full of regrets they swallow from each other’s lips, drinking them up to make them go away. To make it better. To make it right.

“Marry me, Steve.”

The answer comes easy this time - one word, a promise.

Forever, never apart, wherever it'll take them.

#steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie #steddie fic #steddiesongfics #writing prompt

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rikiws · 12 hours

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꩜ single serving friend.

hyung-line x gn!reader ┆ fluff!!

꩜ The one time when you met someone amazing- arguably your twin flame- until you part ways, never to meet again. Well... mostly.

warnings: n/a (i think)

ps: jakes one lowk hit so hard, my no 1 delusion whenever I go to some random comp I never wanted to sign up to... also my first time doing headcanons like this, please lmk what you think 🙏

under the cut! ⊹

𖥔 Lee Heeseung : a holiday getaway

clinking glasses, loud blaring music, and the feeling of the warm, humid air brushing through your hair: just what you needed to get some well deserved rest

especially with your friends, who seemed to have all disappeared into thin air, considering that you were now huddled around a fire on the beach with a group of unfamiliar faces

what you most definitely didn’t need however, was to see a rather irritated crab scuttling through the sand- it's antennae-d eyes glowering at you, pincers snapping ominously

then the crab started to scamper towards your feet and the SCREAM you let out

good to know that the guy next to you was just as terrified, seeing that he was about to break your shoulders from gripping them too hard

you could hold your dignity for a little longer

....until the crab decided to test your courage again, and the first thing you did was sonic far away from that little thing

guess who followed? your now holiday buddy- who's also super cute

10/10 wingman-ing, crab

.𖥔 ݁ ˖

"I'm starting to feel bad now."

"It's not our problem anymore, survival of the fittest- or something."

As similar screams sounded from the distant flicker of light of the campfire you had left behind, the two of you couldn't help but laugh. Heeseung was the first to speak up, a melodic voice to match his attractive appearance, which you could now admire in its fullest without having to worry about a tiny crab trying to pinch your toes.

"What about we stick together for the rest of our trips, for the crabs- obviously."

"Will you help me fight them off?"

Heeseung grinned at your question.

"I couldn't say no to you."

𖥔 Park Jongseong : a tiresome visit to the police office

as if your day couldn't be any more unbearable, you get "caught" speeding

"caught" as in the car before you was speeding, but the automatic camera only took a photo of the number plate of your, very sensibly paced, car instead

so here you were, standing in a dingy office, aeons of crime-dust spilling into lungs while you tried to convince the half-asleep police officer that it wasn't you who was speeding

"you too?" some MAJESTIC looking man was seated right behind you, his face somehow displaying all five stages of grief at the same time...poor guy though, getting his car towed over nothing

at least he could keep you company, especially while you both bonded over your terrible luck

it looked like the police got the hint, since they ushered the both of you out without any apology

indoor road rage is real everyone

.𖥔 ݁ ˖

Your hand was gently moved away from the direction of the police station by someone else's, middle finger propped up just so you could give those wretched old men a piece of your mind,

"o...kay lets not do that now."

The other hand belonged to Jongseong, who offered you a kind smile to try and calm you down as he was...except for the very obvious eye twitch once he heard the double-doors slam shut in the distance. You returned his kindness with a small pat on his shoulder while Jongseong only sighed out a fraction of his frustrations away.

"I hate this city."

"Tell me about it."

"All this arguing got me a little hungry, though."

You chuckled at his fruitless attempt at lightening the mood, though your grumbling stomach had different plans. Jongseong playfully raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, how about we go get some food together?"

"You have a deal, I'll drive then."

"You won't speed, will you?"

"No promises."

𖥔 Sim Jaeyun : a not-so-boring science competition

sure, you were good at it- sure, you liked it, but definitely not enough to do a whole competition for physics

squeezed between your teammates on a table much too small for a 3 member team, hearing out all the different answers your peers hurled at you at the same time, not to mention the fact that you had to correct them yourself as well, only then could you press your clicker to select the correct option

you kept a mental note to drop out of the team after this competition, secretly of course, since your teammates would start a riot if they found out

at least you could tell that cute guy from some other school about it after all of the academic events while your teammates abandoned you for a bit of socialising

sim jaeyun, bored out of his mind, and very much exasperated over his own teams antics, just as you were

the two of you decided to stick together for the rest of the programs: giggling at the jokes the hosts would make as they bought time to mark all of your mark sheets, making stupid jokes about the kids who participated in the impromtu talent show right after, complaining over the mediocre lunch you were provided with

you both made sure to stay right by each other during the award ceremony as well, with both of your teams neck-and-neck with the awards you had gotten

.𖥔 ݁ ˖

"And finally, its time for the individual quiz results.."

the host fumbled with the laptop opened in front of him. Jaeyun looked at you with a competitive glint in his eye; one which you immediately returned yourself. Though you had won 1st place for his segment 3 times in a row already, ever since you joined the academic team.

Yet, your confidence wavered when you heard your name.."second place" Jaeyun gave you an overenthusiastic pat on the back as you stood up, your eyebrows furrowed and wondering who in the world had beat you.

Only you meet Jaeyun's eye as went up to the stage right after you, a quick raise of a brow as he nonchalantly took his place in the centre, just next to you. He posed awkwardly for photos, you following in tow. You felt him lean towards you, whispering from the corner of his mouth

"You still thinking about quitting after this?"

"Not until I get my trophy back, Sim."

You broke into a smile, and Jaeyun seemed to have been caught in the crossfire, seeing that he harboured an even giddier smile after seeing yours.

𖥔 Park Sunghoon : an energetic concert-show

you lost your friend in a crowded concert, the nightmare.

searching through the jumping crowd, bass-boosted music blaring in your ears as you passed by, you made your way through the swarm of bodies, only to feel an arm grab onto yours

turning your head, you face arguably the most gorgeous man you have seen in your life, far better than the band guy you had bought tickets to fawn over tonight

the boy quickly ripped his hand away from yours with a frantic apology, explaining that he had lost his buddy as well

poor guy was about to trip and your arm was the first thing he managed to grab onto to keep his trip

Sunghoon, as he introduced himself, agreed to stick with you for the remainder of the concert until the two of you could venture out of the crowd to search for your friends

though you ended up leaving the crowd much earlier than you anticipated, just to catch some fresh air after inhaling the stench of random sweaty people and nearly losing your eardrums

.𖥔 ݁ ˖

"You've gotta be kidding me."

"I think they hooked up with each other.."

You and Sunghoon stared at your phones, slack-jawed at the messages the both of you had received. Your friend had stumbled upon Sunghoon's mate, and now they were off to the dude's house to do- you didn't even want to know. You were left to drive on your own, while poor Sunghoon was left without a ride at all.

"It's just you and me then."

"Yeah."

"You want me to drop you off?"

You heard the deafening drums of the concert the two of you had left behind, exasperated at your friends' rash actions. What if the guy was some serial killer, and not just a random college kid's good friend? You were shaken out of your thoughts by Sunghoon grabbing hold on your hand, steering the both of you closer towards the crowd once more.

"Finish the concert at least- with me."

You gave in, obviously.

꩜ want to read more? check out my masterlist

#𓇼 ― rikiws #jaeyun fluff #jongseong x reader #jay x reader #sunghoon x reader #sunghoon imagines #jaeyun imagines #heeseung x reader #jaeyun x reader #heeseung imagines #sunghoon #sim jaeyun #park jongseong #lee heeseung #jay enhypen

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fuck-i-love-october · 1 day

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UPDATING my marauders character list! (Explanations included)

1.James Potter -Hasnt changed, wont change. I love him sm and I don't think he gets enough recognition at all. His entire character is criminally overlooked. I love him for his "Always giving never taking" and his "Pathological people pleaser" and his "them before me. Them before me," and his "I'll run myself dry before you can even look up to the sky and miss the rain." and his "In darkness I confess my sorrow to the moon. In that same darkness I apologize to the moon for wasting her time." and his "I have learned to love everything but my own self." and his "I will bite my tongue clean off before I think to ask for half of what I have learned to give."

2.Barty Crouch Jr. - I'm pretty sure that he was literally the LAST person on my list when I made this the first time but I love the idea that hes just so spontaneous and irrational because hes so hurt and he doesnt want to focus on that. He angers those around them because he expects them to end up angry anyway. His fatherly issues. His secret unconfidence. I love him.

3. Sirius Black- DUH. Hes so silly but also I just love how loyal of a character he is and I relate to him so ridiculously much. Also his terrible abandonment/attachment/ I'll never speak of those things again is premium angst.

4.Mary Macdonald- I dont know I just love herrr. I think she has a destructive personality and like me too girl. This is also so good for angst. I don't typically enjoy her as a main focus or anything in stories but supportive side character yes PLEASE.

5. Remus Lupin- I had him a lot lower last time. He's just so boring.. But I still love his whole "Born a monster, forever a monster will I be" thing because its so heartbreaking.

6. Regulus Black- I was going to put him lower.. But I didn't because..idk. I mean I like his whole "quiet because I fear that to speak will be to remember" thing and I definitely would have liked him a lot more when I was younger.

7. Evan Rosier- Wayy lower on the list than last time. I think he was like..2nd last time. His character has grown more and more dull to me but I like SOME of his storyline, however it feels too similar to regulus for me in the whole overbearing parent thing but I do love his toxicity within his relationship.

8. Marlene- Raging, crazy, messy lesbian. Which I mean good for you I guess but I can't find much good angst past fatherly issues.

9.Lily evans- Don't hate me for putting her so lowww. I just don't find much appeal at all to her character. Sisterly issues sure but like...Super smart girl meets super dumb boy.. I see the appeal but lily just isn't a character I enjoy that much.

10. Peter Pettigrew- IM SO SORRY. I tried SOOO hard to get into his character but I can't. He is massively overlooked in the fandom and I literally have no good angst regarding him that I can conjur up. I hate his canon storyline too because?? Whyyy would he do that?? That doesnt make any sense.

11. Dorcas meadows- I don't have much on her. I don't know.

Thats all I have!! Please note this may change over time but this is where I stand as of right now.

#marauders #james potter #peter pettigrew #regulus black #remus lupin #sirius black #marauders era #james fleamont potter #jegulus #the outsiders #dorcas meadowes #marlene mckinnon #mary macdonald #lily evans #barty crouch junior #evan rosier

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spacejellywrites · 3 days

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i didnt put this in the notes on the actual fic because its quite a long story, but i wanted to talk about it somewhere so ill do it here

my fic, Banter or Bullying, is based on an actual interaction i had with some of my close friends who i live with. our friend group has that dynamic where we all make fun of each other, but one person in particular seems to take the brunt of it. he gets made fun of more often and more harshly than other people seem to, despite being a lovely person (albeit with a few annoying habits, but everyone in this house has some, including me. thats just part of being human.)

basically, i was having a meltdown in my bedroom. i forget exactly what it was about, i think i was just having a bad time and something sent me over the edge. i find that distraction is the best technique to comfort me during a meltdown, so i went downstairs to see if anyone was in the living room and could take my mind off things for a bit, and this particular friend was the only one in there. he was sitting on the couch playing like. a star wars video game. it was like a military tactics simulator or something. idk, not really my thing.

i sat down next to him and he could see i was upset, so he offered to put the game away so we could talk about it but i was like no thanks can i just watch you play? so he said sure, and he let me sit with my head on his shoulder while he explained everything he was doing in the game. i didnt understand most of it, but it made me feel better just to sit with him and listen to him talk

then one of my other flatmates walked past, and she was like oh no hes trapped you in an explanation of his star wars game, blink twice if you need help, etc. and that upset me because i was like, no, i like spending time with him, hes making me feel better right now and actually being really nice to me, and you're just being mean for no reason, acting like im being held against my will or something

and i may be projecting, but i feel like spock gets treated a very similar way, especially by mccoy. it hurts my heart to see an autistic coded character be treated the same way as my friend, and the same way as a lot of neurodivergent people i know when they try to talk about their interests, or even just exist in a way that makes sense for them, and they constantly get negative comments about it.

so i wrote that fic as kind of. a way to express my affection for my friend, and also for spock. and to stick up for spock the way i did for my friend in that moment. no one deserves to feel like their friends dont care about their interests, or even that their friends dont like spending time with them.

i guess, moral of the story, if you have a friend that gets made fun of more than everyone else, make sure to check in with them every once in a while. ask if they're actually having fun when you're bantering with them or if it is hurting their feelings. and if you ever think a joke is going too far, say something. its nice to know that someone is in your corner

#robins thoughts #star trek #star trek tos #fanfic #fanfiction

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angerygoomba · 2 months

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listening to this song i havent listened to in nearly two years at which i was at such a developmentally crucial point in my life is surreal.

#its so strange too because usually when something like this happens i can visualize the memory or whatever i associated with the song #but im only feeling the concepts of that time in my life #like the feeling of almost being free but also the uncertainty of being able to make it #and also like the sense of accomplishment of truly doing work #and its so similar to whats going on for me right now #but on a much larger scale #but also it felt so big back then and it doesnt FEEL as big right now #but there are certainly larger stakes right now #and im just fundamentally a different person now and my relationships have changed so much #and im sure i couldnt even grasp the thought of being in the position im in right now #but im here now but now that song is connecting me back to then #cray #nostalgia? kinda #chinatown #kill bill the rapper #rav #exociety #goomb loves music #goomb thot #Spotify

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mettywiththenotes · 2 years

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Murray: “You, you’re harder to read. Probably, like everyone, afraid of what would happen if you accepted yourself for who you really are

and retreated back to the safety of... Steve.

We like Steve.

But we don’t love Steve.”

Nancy: “What? No, we- I mean, I-I-I do...”

Why are the Wheelers so see-through

#are you kidding me i heard that IDENTICAL three-time stammer and i laughed so hard #they're so see through #its the way murray would tear mike apart if they met now #he'd take one look at mike and go 'nancy's brother right? i can tell. since you have all *gestures vaguely to him + will* THAT going on'#stranger things #stranger things season 4 #st4 spoilers #mike wheeler #byler #stranger things 4 #mettys posts #metty posts #hey girlies i'm struggling with analysis posts so i have resorted to doing Screenshots And Quotes #btw that last screenshot isn't what mike says in response to eleven showing him the letters #i just found it similar to nancy's nervous denial stammer #to me mike and nancy's nervous denial stammers are the same #mike wheeler is not straight #byler tumblr

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melit0n · 7 months

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What does Sleep, as in the deity, look like to you guys? Because as someone who's been around in the Sleep Token fandom for a while, I've seen a lot of different interpretations.

To me, Sleep doesn't really have a set, physical body outside of a person's (perhaps Vessel's) dreamscape. Afterall, why should something that dictates all the odd, horrifying, joyful and (sometimes) meaningful things that happen in your dreams be one thing? Sleep could be the shadow in the corner of your dark room you swear is moving, the tapping of rain as you're about to fall asleep, the creaking of the pipes inside your house/apartment as you slowly dose off at your desk, etc. Outside of a dreamscape; Sleep is only what you need it to be. Hence Its need for Vessel as Its mouthpiece.

However, in the dreamscape, I can see Sleep as a fish. Not a particularly alive looking one, per say, but the scattered remains of one. All bones, empty eye sockets (but are they truly empty?), rotting flesh and scales peeling off bit by bit etc. Specifically, a kind of deep-sea fish; like an angler fish, a sixgill shark or a Greenland shark. But! Along with its bones, Sleep has bioluminescent innards. Viceral that ebbs and flows in multi-colour fashion with each flick of Its tail.

The deep sea fish imagery mainly comes from the fact that the deep sea is almost completely unknown; many of the creatures down there are completely alien to us, like Sleep has supposedly become over the hundreds of thousands of years that It's existed. The deep sea, for the most part, is completely silent. Calm; the perfect place for a nap (if you can breath underwater of course).

It's the perfect habitat for the Unknown, odd and horrifying.

#just a bit of a ramble #I've had this thought for years so I finally thought I'd share it #I know it's completely out of the rink with ideas but I hope someone else sees it #also I swear to the dear God that someone made a comic/peice of art here in Tumblr with Sleep and Vessel as exactly this and I can't find i #I don't know if I'm going mad or not but I SWEAR someone had #if anyone knows or has seen something similar to that please let me know #because it's such an awesome artistic take and I got really excited since I thought the idea was just a me thing #also I just want to hear what other people think #looking at your artists with your funky wonderful brains #like I know Sleep could and would cause inhuman horrors beyond comprehension but Its just a neat little guy #terrifying #but neat #it's really late in the evening right now so I'm sorry if this is incomprehensible #I just want bossman to come visit me at this point #like dawg I've got a paper to finish and hand in tomorrow drag me into the drowsy abyss already #mel's rambles #sleep token #sleep token vessel #vessel #sleep (the deity)

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lwcina · 1 month

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the fact that the us government can continue funding and arming a genocide despite massive public opposition really highlights how inherently non-democratic the united states is

#almost like the idea of a representative demcracy is both historically undemocratic and inherently is incapable of being so #by historically i mean that representative democracies have always meant the creation of a category of ‘citizen’ that is above ‘non-citizen #even the civilization where the term democracy comes from was patriarchal and had fucking slavery #not chattel slavery but (hot take) non chattel slavery is still bad.#also fundamentally one person can literally not represent the wishes of a large collection of people who have only geography in common.#theyre going to want different things!!!#now the idea of if democracy is inherently a virtue is like. another topic. but i will say that like seeing the history of like the #popular sovreignty movement wrt to slavery really made me question it. just because a lot of people want something to happen doesnt #actually mean it should happen. white people voted to legalize slavery #kind of where the old ‘minority’ terminology comes in. just by numbers alone in the states that had these votes it wasnt like in the south #where in the south because of plantations the actual population majority in some places was black.#but in those midwestern new states even if everyone person there could have voted. white people would still be the vasy majority.#honestly to a degree pointing out that none of the societies that have claimed to be democracies have truly been democratic is…#i guess the primary value in it is to challenge people who take state mythologies at face level #a very large population that i often forget exists.#the ‘they cant do that its illegal’ types.#anyways. if we consider that every society in documented history has had some type of violence and oppression #and if we believe that people are NOT inherently selfish/violent #it follows that what we need to do is something different than what we have been doing.#not just different from what we are doing right now. but different from what we have been doing for the past centuries #but also i can imagine that societies and ways of living that aren’t legible to the status quo or just went undocumented for other reasons #may have been more egalitarian. and we dont know due to erasure (either intentional or non-intentional)#both erasure and a fundamental inability of historians to comprehend it. similar to how cishet historians who cant fathom the idea of #transness or lesbianism talk about things.

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bookwyrminspiration · 1 year

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i've been having some discourse thoughts recently and going back and forth, and I don't really have a final conclusion at the moment so I'm just writing it out to try and make sense of it. I am not intending to get into heated arguments or cause problems, I'm genuinely just trying to question thoughts and beliefs I've been holding to that i picked up from others to be certain whether or not they're solid and I want to continue in that manner because reflection, introspection, and critical thinking are good practices. and posting it because consulting and engaging with others and perspectives outside your own is helpful. so don't mind me trying to sort myself out it's a genuinely earnest attempt to properly reason it through

the crux of it is that I realized it seems hypocritical of me to say I firmly believe in shipping and letting ship, supporting fiction's right to be fucked up and unhealthy, controlling your own experiences, for people to do what they want with fiction because fiction is not reality and should be a safe space where you can explore fucked up things, agree that policing what you can and can't do with fiction is a dangerously slippery slope, and then also turn around and condemn wylinh/wylinh shippers

I don't like the ship myself, I've made numerous posts discussing why I find it harmful--the main thing being its an adult x minor ship (Alden and Della's relationship is completely different, do not bring it up here as a counterargument. you can ask me to explain further if you don't understand). But people are allowed to engage with things that would be harmful or predatory or questionable or etc. in fiction; it's fake. People have said it before, but writing about murder doesn't mean you want to commit murder and all that.

So then since its okay to ship fucked up things because this is fiction, the problem with wylinh seems to become that people ship it in the same manner they do other ships without adult/minor dynamics, not with the understanding that it's got questionable elements. That it's okay to ship fucked up things but you have to do it a certain way that I think is acceptable (you have to know its not really healthy irl), and I don't think that's a mindset I want to have? That people's shipping needs to meet a standard I set? Even if I don't like it? I'm not arbitrator I don't get to decide those kinds of things for others, I just get to decide for me

And another big argument that's been made (including by me) is that children/young teens read these books and find fandom spaces even if they're not supposed to be here, and that that exposure could normalize a harmful age dynamic. Because while Wylie and Linh may be lovely people, they're fictional and it's not reflective of how an age gap like theirs would look irl and children could end up missing red flags of predatory people in real life by thinking of it like idealized fiction. But think of the children rhetoric is one that has been often criticized as cover for more malicious intentions (such as in politics) with the convenient safe fail that if you disagree, you must not care about children.

Part of the critique of that rhetoric is also that the actions being defended don't actually help or protect children. So I'm now wondering, does trying to stop (I can't think of a better word at the moment) wylinh shippers actually achieve that goal of protecting impressionable kids from idolizing an unrealistic relationship, or does it just motivate them to hide it and not trust the people who are, to them, unjustifiably criticizing them?

Wylinh is a widely disliked ship in the fandom, and that's okay, we're all allowed our opinions including negative ones. I just feel as though I'm contradicting myself on some points and want to straighten them out for myself. I don't like Wylinh, I don't ship it, I don't engage with any Wylinh content because of the aforementioned reasons. But my personal dislike shouldn't shape fandom spaces and others' actions, and making sure people are shipping things the "right" way feels like a much more harmful slope.

And if the best course of action to align with that is to just focus on myself, not engage with what I don't like, and politely share my thoughts without forcing them on others or trying to control their actions when the opportunity arises (though maybe this isn't the best course of action, there may be others), that makes this whole post feel redundant because that's...already what I'm doing. I suppose this is just to change my internal perspective not my outward actions? My intentions?

There's no real final conclusion to this, it's just me going "hmm, I've been criticizing wylinh shippers for shipping what I think is a harmful ship, but I also believe in shipping and let ship and allowing fiction to explore harmful things and not controlling others. can these co-exist or do I have to rethink something?"

and I think the answer is I have to rethink something? and that something is criticizing people for shipping wylinh. i still maintain my critiques and dislikes of the ship, but that's a separate thing. i find it more important to maintain and respect individuals right to engage with fiction of all sorts how they want to, without control from others

there's probably a million ways to negatively misinterpret things I've said, so just know all of this is genuine reflection made in good faith. i am earnestly trying to figure it out, and if anyone has input or opinions or perspectives they'd like to share you're welcome to, provided its also in good faith.

alright cool that's all, please do not be mean to me as I try to be a better person because I know its a discourse heavy topic :)

#kotlc discourse #discourse #i can't help but feel like I haven't worded this well and its all going to go wrong if I post this #but also. i am not going to let myself be ashamed of questioning things. even if I come to a similar conclusion at the end #so. don't be like 'how could you entertain these ideas--' because you need to think through both sides to best understand your own position #and i'm trying to figure out what that is #i don't want to just go along with what others say I want to understand where I stand and why #and right now its that I think I thought of wylinh shippers in a way that contradicted other beliefs and values I hold #and I want to correct that #so. this post is me trying to figure it out #i keep writing tags to stall because I'm nervous you'll all hate me for this #but like I said. won't be ashamed of questioning things #also am open to other perspectives and changing my mind #i can learn #augh this is. stressful. be nice please I'm trying to be a good person #long post

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