#and she’s autistic too and doesn’t understand hints at all so I’d need to just State it and that feels so incredibly mean but. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

renohasbigtits · 3 years

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Could you do the bros trying to woo their comically oblivious crush? Like the boys are trying to drop hints but SO just does not pick up on it unless the boys straight up say something like “I want to kiss you. On the mouth. Romantically.” (I just get a kick out of the “oblivious love interest” because I also don’t understand subtle hints lol)

This is sooo me. I’m Autistic so I miss when people are flirting with me 😅

Also you’d be surprised how many people how already done a Chocobros with a oblivious crush.

I almost denied this request because so many have done it already but why the hell not?

Here we goooo!

Noctis

He doesn’t know how much patience he has left. Your a lot more clueless than he thought...

He’s tried to flirt with you, but you just don’t pick up on them! He’s getting a bit frustrated.

“Is she/he/they doing this on purpose?!” he thinks.

Eventually, He turns to Ignis for help.

Ignis suggests that he should just straight up tell you how he feels.

It takes awhile but he finally builds up the courage to confess to you.

He invites you to his place and you curiously walk inside, unaware of what’s gonna happen.

“Noct... you said that you wanted to talk to me about something, is everything ok?”

Noct thought for a second before starting.

“Y/n...I really like you.”

“Aww! I like you to Noct!”

He annoyingly sighed.

“Seriously?” He said annoyed.

That caught your attention. Why was he annoyed?

“What’s wrong Noct?”

He turned to you and sighed one more.

“I have feelings for you.”

“I-

“I’m IN love with you Y/n.”

You were so shocked. You literally had no idea!

“Noct I-

“It’s fine. I know it’s sudden and probably weird and-

You stopped him mid-sentence and held his arm, tightly and lovely.

“I love you too, Noct.”

Poor baby. Frozen up like a scared kitty.

But it worked, so it was worth it.

“Me too Y/n.”

Prompto

He’s always had a thing for you but you didn’t seem to noticed.

Not like it was completely your fault.

Prompto has a very bad habit of self sabotaging himself, before he can tell you how he feels.

Until today!

He invited you to a photo shoot at the river and you were the model!

You were so excited to be his model but obviously, he planned to confess his feelings to you.

Once you both reached to the river, Prompto awkwardly turned to you and tried to make conversation.

“So uh... pretty weather today eh?”

“Yeah! Perfect day for pictures!” You smiled.

That smile. That smile he fell in love with.

He started blushing hard and you noticed it.

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling ok?”

“Oh uh..y-yeah! I’m just uh damn.” He swerved away. Ashamed that he failed again.

You didn’t understand what was wrong with him but you wanted to help him.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Uhhh..” Oh my god, his face was red as a tomato.

“Listen, I don’t know what’s going on but I want you to know that it’s ok if you want to talk to me to about it. I’m all ears.”

“...”

“C’mon Prompto. Silence isn’t going to make me underst-

“WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?” He yelled out.

The sudden confession caught you off guard.

“Uh sorry! F-forget I said anything!” He awkwardly tried to playing it cool. Oh Prompto.

“Prompto.”

“...Yeah?”

You gave him a small peck on his freckled cheek.

“I’d would love to go out with you.”

Ignis

He said he would never fall in love. He dedicated his whole life to Noct. He didn’t need anyone else.

Well that was... until he met you.

You were so delicate. Did everything at ease. Calm and sweet, you were a beam of light.

A beam of light that went into Ignis’s heart. He fell in love.

He tried for so long to keep his feelings under wrap. He didn’t wanna come off as “unprofessional”.

But he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore. True love was a rare thing you see, and it shouldn’t be wasted.

He didn’t wanna lose you.

He made a plan. Make a fancy dinner with your favorite food, drink, and most importantly,

Confess his feelings towards you.

Since he was very aware of your nativity, he thought that a direct approach would help.

You entered his small but nice little apartment, smelling the delicious food cooking.

“Ah! That smells so good!”

Ignis giggled. Your positivity was something he deeply admired about you.

“Why, thank you darling. It’ll taste good as it smells.” He smiled back at you.

20 minutes passed, it was done and your both sat done to eat this wonderful meal.

It was delicious! Every taste was like heaven! You loved it so much.

But one thing was confusing you; what was this for?

Ignis didn’t speak to you much. And when he did, it was professional and monotone.

Tonight was different. He was smiling and seem beaming with happiness.

It was a different side of Ignis. A side that was rare but you were lucky enough to see it.

“Ignis..”

“Yes Y/n?”

“This was such a great meal.” You started “I’ve never had such a great meal until now.”

Ignis nodded contently.

“..But...” That ‘but’ got Ignis’s attention. “But what is this for?”

Although you his face didn’t show much emotion, his eyes does all the talking.

His eyes basically said “There on to me.”

Ignis coughed before saying,

“I made to show my feelings towards.”

“Oh.” You said. Thinking he was just being kind and wanted to share his feelings about you in a ‘friendly’ way.

“Well, thank you for for meal. I’ll be going.”

Ignis’s eyes deepen. “They didn’t get it, did they?!”

Ignis realizing his plan was failing and not waiting to wait anymore, he got in front of the door.

“Y/n. Perhaps I should be more direct.”

“What do you mean? I thought it was-

“I have feelings for you, darling. For awhile, I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“...Ignis..”

“I wanted to show my feelings through food but that didn’t work.” He chuckled a bit. Laughing at his own “failure”.

The realization hit you. The Ignis Scientia was in love with you?

“Ignis I-

“You don’t need to say anything darling. I was-

You interrupted him by giving him a big hug.

Any affection was foreign to Iggy and usually, unwanted. But this was the few exception.

You snuggled to his clothing. It was warm and comfortable.

“I love you Iggy.” You whispered to his chest.

Oh his heart was on fire tonight. His plan was a success.

“I love you too, Y/n.”

Gladiolus

This man was a known womanizer.

Every woman loved him and every man wanted to be him.

Who could blame them? He was strong, had a cool hawk tattoo, beautiful eyes and hair.

But he was also feared.

He looked intimidating. He could fight anyone if he wanted to.

But that’s a front.

Deep down, he’s a gentle giant underneath.

He wanted to love anyone just as anyone else wanted.

You saw the true Gladiolus.

A kind, smart, book reader, strong of course but more than his strength.

That’s what Gladio loved about you. You knew the Real Gladio.

He couldn’t help but fall for you.

But he was frustrated with his lack of progress with you, due to your lack of awareness to his feelings towards you.

He was sure he was so obvious but you mistook as “friendliness”.

He finally had enough and was going to tell you straight up, that he was in love with you.

“Y/n!” He called to you.

“Oh hi Gladly! What can I do for you today?”

“I love you.”

“Aww.” You touched. Gladio was never known to say ‘I love you’ especially to the people that were closest to him. “I love you to!”

“Really?!” He said suprised even that didn’t work!

“What?”

“You don’t get it do you?”

“What? What’s up?”

“I’m in love with you!” He looked at you with a little smirk seeing your shocked and embarrassed face.

“I didn’t know.” You whispered.

“I thought I was being kinda obvious!”

You stood there awkwardly and having a hard time looking into his eyes.

You felt embarrassed for not knowing sooner.

Gladiolus smugly said “it’s ok, just say you’ll go on a date with me.”

You giggled. His blunt humor seemed to calm your nerves.

“I would like to go on a date with you, Gladio.”

A/N: This is different eh? I want to try something new.

Hopefully you like it!

Also sorry this took so long! Depression is a real bitch :/

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vickyvicarious · 3 years

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Leverage Redemption Pros/Cons List

Okay! Now that I've finally finished watching the first half of Leverage: Redemption, I thought I'd kind of sum up my overall impression. Sort of a pro/con list, except a little more just loosely structured rambles on each bullet point rather than a simple list.

This got way out of hand from what I expected so I'm going to put it all under a cut. If you want the actual bulletpoint list, here it is:

PROS

References

Continuity

Nate

Representation

Themes

New Characters

General Vibe

CONS

'Maker and Fixer'

Episode Twins

Sophie's Stagefright

Thiefsome

You might notice the pros list is longer, and that's because I do love the show! I really like most of what it does, and my gripes are fewer in number and mostly smaller in size. But they do exist and I felt like talking about them as well as the stuff I loved.

PROS

References

There is clearly so much love and respect for the original show here. Quite aside from the general situation, there's a lot of references to individual episodes or character traits from the first show. For example, Parker's comments on disliking clowns, liking puppets, disliking horses, stabbing vs. tasing people. The tasing was an ongoing thing in the original, the stabbing happened once (S1) but was referenced later in the original show, the clown thing only had a few mentions scattered across the entire original show. The puppet thing was mentioned once in S5, and the horses thing in particular was only brought up in S1 once. But they didn't miss the chance to put the nod to it in there; in fact with those alone we see a good mix of common/ongoing jokes and smaller details.

We got "dammit Hardison" and "it's a very distinctive..." but also Eliot and Parker arguing about him catering a mob wedding, and Eliot being delighted by lemon as a secret ingredient in a dish in that same episode (another reference to the mob episode). Hardison and Eliot banter about "plan M", an ongoing joke starting from the very first episode of the original show. We see Sophie bring up Hardison's accent in the Ice Job, Parker also makes reference to an early episode when describing "backlash effect" to Breanna, in an episode that also references her brother slightly if you look for it.

Heck, the last episode of these first eight makes a big deal out of nearly reproducing the iconic opening lines of the original show with Fake Nate's "we provide... an advantage." And I mean, all the "let's go steal a ___" with Harry being confused about how to use them.

Some of the lines are more obviously references to the original show, but they strike a decent balance with smaller or unspoken stuff as well, and also mix in some references between the team to events we the audience have never seen. If someone was coming into this show for the first time, they wouldn't get all the easter egg joy but most of the references would stand on their own as dialogue anyway. In general, I think they struck a good balance of restating needed context for new viewers while still having enough standalone good lines and more-fun-if-you-get-it callbacks.

Continuity

Similar to the last point, but slightly different. The characters' development from the original to now is shown so well. I'm not going to go on about this too long, but the writers clearly didn't want to let the original characters stagnate during the offscreen years. There was a lot of real thought put into how they would change or not.

It's really written well. We can see just how cohesive a team Parker, Hardison, and Eliot became. We get a sense of how they've spent their time, and there's plenty of evidence that they remained incredibly close with Sophie and Nate until this past year. The way everyone defers to Parker is different from the original show and clearly demonstrates how she's been well established as the leader for years now - they show this well even as Parker is stepping back to let Sophie take point in these episodes. Eventually that is actually called out by Sophie in the eighth episode, so we might see more mastermind Parker in the back half of the show, maybe. But even with her leading, it's clear how collaborative the team has become, with everyone bouncing ideas off one another and adding their input freely. Sometimes they even get so caught up they leave the newbies completely in the dust. But for the most part we get a good sense of how the Parker/Hardison/Eliot team worked with her having final say on plans but the others discussing everything together. A little bit more collaborative than it was with Nate at the helm.

Meanwhile Sophie has built a home and is deeply attached to it. She and Nate really did retire, at least for the most part, and she was living her happy ending until he died. She's out of practice but still as skilled as ever, and we're shown how much her grief has changed her and how concerned the others are for her.

There's a lot of emphasis on how they all look after one another and the found family is clearer than ever. Sophie even calls Hardison "his father's son" - clearly referring to Nate.

Nate

Speaking of Nate! They handled his loss so, so well. His story was the most complete at the end of the last show, and just from a narrative point, losing him makes the most sense of all the characters. But the way he dies and his impact on the show and the characters continues. It's very respectful to who he was - who he truly was.

Nate was someone they all loved, but he was a deeply flawed individual. Sophie talks about how he burned too hot, but at least he burned - possibly implying to me that his drinking was related to his death. In any case, there's no mystery to it. We don't know how he died but that's not what's most important about his death. This isn't a quest for revenge or anything... it's just a study of grief and trying to heal.

Back to who he really was real quick - the show doesn't eulogize him as better than he was. They're honest about him. From the first episode's toast they raise in his memory, to the final episode where Sophie and Eliot are deeply confused by Fake Nate singing his praises, the team knows who he was. They don't erase his flaws... but at the same time he was so clearly theirs. He was family, he was the man they trusted and loved and followed into incredibly dangerous situations, and whose loss they all still feel deeply.

That said, the show doesn't harp on this point. They reference him, but they don't overwhelm new viewers with a constant barrage of Nate talk. It always serves a purpose, primarily for Sophie's storyline of moving through her grief. Anyway, @robinasnyder said all of this way better than me here, so go read that as well.

Representation

Or should I say, Jewish Hardison, Autistic Parker, Queer Breanna!

Granted, Hardison's religion isn't quite explicitly stated to be Jewish so much as he mentions that his "Nana runs a multi-denominational household", but nonetheless. He gets the shows big thesis statement moment, he gets a beautiful speech about redemption that is the emotional cornerstone of that episode and probably Harry's entire arc throughout the show. And while I'm not Jewish myself, most of what I've seen from Jewish fans is saying that Hardison's words here were excellent representation of their beliefs. (@featherquillpen does a great job in that meta of contextualizing this with his depiction in the original show as well.)

Autistic Parker, however, is shown pretty dang blatantly. She already was very much coded as autistic in the original show, but the reboot has if anything gone further. She sees a child psychologist because she likes using puppets to represent emotions, she stims, she uses cue cards and pre-written scripts for social interactions, there's mention of possible texture sensitivity and her clothes are generally more loose and comfortable. She's gotten better at performing empathy and understanding how people typically work, but it's specifically described as something she learned how to do and she views her brain as being different from ones that work that way (same link). Again, not autistic myself but from what I've seen autistic fans find a lot to relate to in her portrayal. And best of all, this well-rounded and respectful depiction does not show any of these qualities as a lack on her part. There's no more of those kinda ableist comments or "what's wrong with you" jokes that were in the original show. Parker is the way she is, and that allows her to do things differently. She's loved for who she is, and any effort made to fit in is more just to know how so that she can use it to her advantage when she wants to on the job - for her convenience, not others' comfort.

Speaking of loved for who you are.... okay, again, queer Breanna isn't confirmed onscreen yet, and I don't count Word of God as true canon. But I can definitely believe we're building there. Breanna dresses in a very GNC way, and just her dialogue and, I dunno, vibes seem very queer to me. She has a beautiful speech in the Card Game Job about not belonging or being accepted and specifically mentions "the way they love" as one of those things that made her feel like she didn't belong. And that scene is given so much weight and respect. (Not to mention other hints throughout the episode about how much finding her own space meant to her.) Also, the whole theme of feeling rejected and the key for her to begin really flourishing is acceptance for who she is, not any desire for her to be anyone else, is made into another big moment. Yeah, textually that moment is about her feeling like she has to fill Hardison's shoes and worrying about her past, but the themes are there, man.

Themes

I talked a bit about this yesterday, so I'm mostly just going to link to that post, but... this series so far is doing a really good job in my opinion of giving people arcs and having some good themes. Namely the redemption one, from Hardison's speech (which I'm gonna talk a little more about in the next point), and this overall theme of growing up and looking to the future (from above the linked post).

New Characters

Harry and Breanna are fantastic characters. I was kind of worried about Harry being a replacement Nate, but... he really isn't. Sure, he's the older white guy who has an angsty past but it's in a very different way and his personality and relationships with the rest of the crew are correspondingly different. I think the dynamic of a very friendly, cheerful, kind, but still bad guy (as @soundsfaebutokay points out) is a great one to show, and he's got a really cool arc I think of learning to be a better person, and truly understanding Hardison's point about redemption being a process not a goal. His role on the team also has some interesting applications and drawbacks, as @allegorymetaphor talked about. I've kind of grown to think that the show is gradually building up to an eventual Sophie/Harry romance a ways down the line, and I'm actually here for it. Regardless, his relationships with everyone are really interesting.

As for Breanna, first of all and most importantly I love her. Secondly, I think she's got a really interesting story. She's a link to Hardison's past, and provides a really interesting perspective for us as someone younger who has grown up a) looking up to Leverage and b) in a bleaker and more hopeless world. Breanna's not an optimist, and she's not someone who was self-sufficient and unconcerned with the rest of the world at the start, like everyone else. She believes that the world sucks and she wants it to be better, but she doesn't know how to make that happen. She outright says she's desperate and that's why she's working with Leverage. At the same time, Breanna is pretty down on herself and wants to prove herself but gets easily shaken by mistakes or being scolded, which is a stark contrast to Hardison's general self-confidence. There are several times when she starts to have an idea then hesitates to share it, or expects her emotions to be dismissed, or gets really disheartened when she's corrected or rejected, or dwells on her mistakes, or when she is accepted or praised she usually takes a surprised beat and is shy about it (she almost always looks down and away from the person, and her smile is often small or startled). Breanna looks up to the team so much (Parker especially, then probably Eliot) and she wants to prove herself. It's going to be so good to see her grow.

General Vibe

A brief note, but it seems a fitting one to end on. The show keeps it's overall tone and feeling from the original show. The fun, the competency porn, the bad guys and clever plans and happy endings. It's got differences for sure, but the characters are recognizably themselves and the show as a whole is recognizably still Leverage. For the most part they just got the feeling right, and it's really nice.

CONS (no, not that kind)

'Maker and Fixer'

So when I started writing this meta earlier today, I was actually a lot more annoyed by the lack of unique 'maker' skills being shown by Breanna. Basically the only time she tries to use a drone, the very thing she introduced herself as being good at, it breaks instantly. I was concerned about her being relegated into just doing what Hardison did, instead of bringing her own stuff to the table. But the seventh episode eased some of those fears, and the meta I just wrote for someone else asking about Breanna's 'maker' skills as shown this season made me realize there's more nuance than that. I'd still like to have seen more of that from her, but for now the fact that we don't see a lot of 'maker' from her so far seems more like a character decision based in Breanna's insecurities.

Harry definitely gets more 'inside man' usage. His knowledge as a 'fixer' comes in handy several times. Nonetheless, I'm really curious if there are any bigger ways to use it, aside from him just adding in some exposition/insight from time to time. I'm not even entirely sure how much more they can pull from this premise in terms of relevant skills, but I hope there's more and I'd like to see it. Maybe a con built more around him playing a longer role playing his old self, like they tried in the Tower Job? Maybe it's more a matter of him needed distance from that part of his past, being unable to face it without lashing out - in that case it could be a good character growth moment possibly for him to succeed in being Scummy Lawyer again down the line? I dunno.

Episode Twins

This was something small that kind of bothered me a little earlier in the season. It's kind of the negative side to the references, I guess? And I'm not even sure how much it annoys me really, but I just kinda noticed and felt sort of weird about it.

Rollin' on the River has a lot of references/callbacks to the The Wedding Job.

The Tower Job has a lot of references/callbacks to The White Rabbit Job.

The Paranormal Hacktivity Job has a lot of references/callbacks to the Future Job.

I guess I was getting a little concerned that there would be a 'match this episode' situation where almost every new Redemption episode is very reminiscent of an old one. I love the callbacks, but I don't want to see a lack of creativity in this new show, and this worried me for a minute. Especially when it was combined with all three of those episodes dealing with housing issues of some kind. Now, that's a huge concern for a lot of people, and each episode has its own take on a different problem within that huge umbrella, but it still got me worried about a lack of variety in topics/cases.

The rest of the episodes failing to line up so neatly in my head with older episodes helped a lot to ease this one, though. Still, this is my complaining section so I figured I'd express my concerns as they were at the time. Even if I no longer really worry about it much.

Sophie's Stagefright

Yeah, I know this is just a small moment in a single episode, but it annoyed me! Eliot made a bit of a face at Sophie going onstage, but I thought it was just him being annoyed at the general situation. However, they started out with her being awful up there until she realized the poem was relevant to the con - at which point her reading got so much better.

This felt like a complete betrayal of Sophie's beautiful moment at the end of the original show where she got over her trouble with regular acting and played Lady Macbeth beautifully in front of a full theater of audience members. This was part of the con, but only in the sense that it gave her an alibi/place to hide, and I always interpreted it as her genuinely getting over her stagefright problems. It felt like such a beautiful place to end her arc for that show, especially after all her time spent directing.

Now, her difficulty onstage in the Card Game Job was brief and at the very beginning of being up on stage. @rinahale suggested to me that maybe it was a deliberate tactic to draw the guy's attention, and the later skill was simply her shifting focus to make the sonnet easier for Breanna to listen to and interpret, but he seemed more enraptured when she was doing well than otherwise in my opinion and it just doesn't quite sit well with me. My other theory was that maybe she just hasn't been up on stage in a long time, and much like she complaining about being rusty at grifting before the team pushed her into trying, she got nervous for a moment at the very beginning. The problem there is that I think she'd definitely still get involved in theater even when she and Nate were retired. I guess she could've quit after he died, and a year might be long enough to make her doubt herself again, but... still.

I just resent that they even left it ambiguous at all. Sophie's skills should be solid on stage at this point in my opinion.

Thiefsome

...And now we come to my main complaint. This is, by far, the biggest issue I have with the show.

I feel like I should put a disclaimer here that I had my doubts from the beginning about the thiefsome becoming canon onscreen. I thought the famous "the OT3 is safe" tweet could easily just mean that they are all still alive and well, or all still working together, without giving us confirmation of a romantic relationship. Despite this, the general fandom expectations/hopes really got to me, especially with the whole "lock/pick/key" thing. I tried to temper my expectations again when the character descriptions came out and only mentioned Hardison loving Parker, not Eliot, but I still got my hopes up.

The thing is, I was disappointed pretty quickly.

The very first episode told me that in all likelihood we would never see Hardison and Parker and Eliot together in a romantic sense. Oh, there was so much coding. So much hinting. So much in the way of conversations that were about Parker/Hardison's relationship but then Eliot kept getting brought into them. They were portrayed as a unit of three.

But then there was this.

I love all of those scenes of Parker and Hardison being intimate and loving and comfortable with one another and their relationship. I really do. But it didn't escape my notice that there's nothing of the sort with Eliot. If they wanted a canon onscreen thiefsome, it would by far make the most sense to just have it established from the start. But there aren't any scenes where Eliot shares the same kind of physical closeness with either of them like they do each other. Parker and Hardison kiss; he doesn't kiss anyone. They have several clearly romantic conversations when alone; he gets important conversations with both but the sense of it being romantic isn't there.

Establishing Eliot as part of the relationship after Hardison is gone just... doesn't make any sense. It would be more likely to confuse new viewers, to make them wonder if Parker is cheating on Hardison with Eliot, or if they have a Y shaped relationship rather that a triangle. It would be so much clumsier.

Still, up until the Double-Edged-Sword Job I believed the writers might keep it at this level of 'plausible hinting but not quite saying'. There's a lot of great stuff with all of them, and I never expecting making out or whatever anyway; a cheek-kiss was about the height of my hopes to be honest. I mostly just hoped for outright confirmation and, failing that, I was happy enough to have the many hints and implications.

But then Marshal Maria Shipp came along. And I don't really have anything against her as a character - in fact, I think she has interesting story potential and will definitely come back. But the episode framed her fight with Eliot as a sexyfight TM, much like his fight with Mikel back in the day. And then his flirting with her rode the line a little of "he's playing her for the con" and "he's genuinely flirting." The scene where he tells her his real name is particularly iffy, but actually was the one that convinced me he was playing her. Because he seems to be watching her really closely, and to be very concerned about her figuring out who he really is. I am very aware though that I'm doing a lot of work to interpret it the way I want. On surface appearance, Eliot's just flirting with an attractive woman, like he did on the last show. And that's probably the intention, too.

But the real nail in the coffin for me was when Sophie compared herself and Nate to Eliot and Maria. That was a genuine scene, not the continuation of the teasing from before. And Sophie is the one whose insight into people is always, always trustworthy. She is family to the thiefsome. For this to make any sense, either Eliot/Parker/Hardison isn't a thing, or they are and Sophie doesn't know - and I can't imagine why in the hell she wouldn't know.

Any argument to make them still canon leaves me unsatisfied. If she knows and they haven't admitted it to her - why wouldn't they, after all this time? Why would she not have picked up on it even without an outright announcement? Some people suggested they wouldn't admit it because they thought Nate would be weird about it, but that doesn't seem any more in character to me than the other possibilities. In fact, the only option that doesn't go against my understanding of these people and their observational abilities/the close relationship they share.... is that the thiefsome is not a thing.

And furthermore, the implication of this conversation - especially the way it ended, with Eliot stomping off looking embarrassed while Sophie smiled knowingly - is that Eliot will get into another relationship onscreen. Maybe not a full-blown romantic relationship. But the Maria Shipp tension is going to be resolved somehow, and at this point I'm half-expecting a hook-up simply because of Sophie's reaction and how much I trust her judgement of such things. Even if she's letting her grief cloud her usual perceptiveness... it feels iffy.

It just kinda feels like I wasn't even allowed to keep my "interpret these hints/maybe they are" thiefsome that I expected after the first couple episodes convinced me we wouldn't get outright confirmation. (I mean, I will anyway, and I love the hints and allusions regardless.) And while I'm definitely not the kind of fan who is dependent on canon for my ships, and still enjoy all their interactions/will keep right on headcanoning them all in a relationship, it's just.... a bummer.

Feels like a real cop-out. Like the hints of Breanna being queer are enough to meet their quota and they won't try anything 'risky' like a poly relationship. I dunno. It's annoying.

That's the end of the list! Again, overall I love the new show a lot and have few complaints.

#leverage #leverage redemption #leverage spoilers #leverage meta #my meta #this turned into a BIG ol ramble #i planned to write like a couple of sentences for each point but noooo

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mimicutie · 4 years

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Pit is Autistic - A “Brief” Analysis

Kid Icarus: Uprising is my favorite game of all time, and one thing I love about it is the characterization of Pit. Specifically, I see him as autistic. Of course, this is just a headcanon of mine, but I wanted to write out a little discussion explaining why I see him as such as well as show some of the autistic traits he demonstrates in Uprising (and the occasional reference to the Guidance conversations from Smash).

(fair warning, this is not very brief)

Difficulty Understanding Words and Jokes

It’s made abundantly clear that Pit isn’t the best at picking up sarcasm or jokes. At times, he struggles with understanding words, phrases, and context. Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 11.

Pit: Good! There are survivors! Palutena: They’re a stubborn bunch hanging on like that. [...] Pit: Uh… stubborn? Palutena: Oh, I didn’t mean it like that.

Here, Pit doesn’t understand what Palutena means by “stubborn.” It’s pretty common for autistic people to struggle understanding parts of speech, such as words being used in different contexts than what they’re used to.

Medusa: Hmm… Now this is a little… bizarre. Pit: I know right? The mouth on that guy! I’d never talk like that! Medusa: That’s not what I meant. Palutena: Sorry. He can be a little… thick.

Once again, Pit is misinterpreting the situation. He doesn’t understand what Medusa is alluding to, thinking that she is talking about Dark Pit’s brash behavior. Palutena’s last comment hints that it’s very common for Pit to misunderstand people like this.

Pit: I’m Pit, servant of the goddess Palutena. I’m here to defeat Dark Lord Gaol. Magnus: So you’re here for a slice of the pie too? Pit: Huh? Pie? Where?

Chapter 2 has several examples of Pit not picking up on obvious jokes or idioms, and here’s one. Pit takes the idiom literally, not understanding what Magnus really means at first.

Viridi: Pit certainly is devoted to you, Palutena. Hades: Only because she squeezes his head wreath when he doesn’t follow orders. Palutena: You mean like… THIS?! Pit: No no no no no! You’ll squeeze my brains out! … (sigh) Why do I always fall for that?

In this example from Chapter 15, Palutena is clearly messing with Pit, but as he stated, he always falls for her jokes. Even though it’s clear she is just teasing, Pit can’t pick up on the fact that she isn’t being serious. He consistently struggles with understanding tone.

Pit: This is so annoying. Lady Palutena, help me out here! Palutena: Deploying the Palutena Super Sensor… Pit: I didn’t know you had a super sensor! Palutena: Hee hee. I don’t. You know I like to make stuff up. Pit: I can’t believe you’re messing with me at a time like this!

This dialogue from Chapter 13 is just another example of Palutena clearly joking while Pit does not pick up on it. Even though Palutena has done this time and time again, Pit still struggles to tell when someone, even a person he is incredibly close to like Palutena, is just messing with him. These are just a few examples. Pit commonly struggles with understanding language and tone throughout the game.

Using Words Differently

We can see that Pit has his own unique vocabulary with his own creative phrases like, “Calamaried!” “Re-defeated!” “Pulverazed!” and so on. Pit also makes LOTS of noises throughout the game, all of his “woohoo”s and “woah”s and whatnot. It’s just how he communicates, even if it's a bit particular or different.

Expressiveness

Pit is excitable. Like, really excitable. Sure, he’s a fun video game protagonist, but he’s always very happy-go-lucky and upbeat in a way that reads to me as autistic. Just look at how he jumps in excitement!

And when he gets the Three Sacred Treasure?! Gifs can’t really do the excitement in this scene justice. (link in case tumblr embed isn’t working)

youtube

Additionally, while Uprising doesn’t have a lot of cutscenes with Pit just standing around talking, in the ones where he does he is usually very expressive, using his hands to talk and whatnot. Added with his excitability, I feel that this shows us that Pit is so expressive and emotional because he’s autistic!

Extra Help

Pit needs more help with understanding things in comparison to others. Palutena often goes out of her way to guide Pit, whether it be giving him directions or explaining how to defeat an enemy. While Palutena’s advice does work as a guide for the player, it’s clear that Pit needs the help more than someone else his situation might. The clearest proof we have of this comes from Chapter 22.

Palutena: Watch out for that heart-shaped crystal barrier! You see, it’s— Dark Pit: Reflecting my shots back at me, right? Palutena: Well… yes. Dark Pit: I got it, so stop telling me what to do!

Palutena is expecting Dark Pit to be like Pit, where she needs to explain to him what’s going on and offer her guidance. However, Dark Pit was able to figure out a strategy to defeat Pandora all on his own. Palutena is very aware that Pit needs a bit more help and prepares accordingly for him.

Accidental Rudeness

Many times throughout Uprising, Pit is shown speaking “rudely” towards gods or characters who have authority over him.

Pit: Oh, great! You’re the guy I’m looking for. Listen, I have a favor to ask you. Would you mind if I borrow your chariot for just a little while? Chariot Master: Your foolishness is matched only by your rudeness. How dare you charge in here, flinging unreasonable requests at me? [...] Viridi: You can’t really blame him for being upset. That was kind of rude.

Here, Pit is talking to the Chariot Master very casually, treating him like a friend despite the fact he is breaking into the Chariot Master’s tower and asking him for a precious artifact. Pit doesn’t see it as rude but Viridi and the Chariot Master clearly do. He is breaking an unwritten social norm by talking so casually to someone of high authority. Autistic people often misinterpret social situations or don’t act appropriately, sometimes resulting in “rude” behavior. There are several examples of this throughout the game, such as in Chapter 24…

Pit: You know, the Three Sacred Treasures weren’t exactly durable. Can you please make sure that this new weapon won’t just fall apart? Dyntos: Palutena, you’d be wise to put a muzzle on your chicken. Palutena: I apologize for him. Again. Pit: I… I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to be rude.

To Pit, he is just stating a fact. However, it comes off to Dyntos as Pit being rude or even insulting his work. This is something that autistic people often do; they are blunt or honest about something, which is again mistaken as being rude.

Pit is also seen being more blunt when under emotional stress, such as in Chapter 20.

Pit: I trusted you because I knew you were on the side of justice, and… and light! But something is blocking that light now. This isn’t the real you. Viridi: Someone cue the strings… Pit: Would you mind holding the commentary for two seconds, Viridi? Phosphora: There are goddesses you’re talking to here, Pit. Watch your tone. Pit: Butt out, Phosphora! The goddess of light has turned dark. Skyworld is destroyed! Everything is wrong, and it’s up to me to make things right! Palutena: Oh, Pit. You’re just as naive as ever. Pit: I’m not naive!

Phew. This scene is pretty noteworthy to me because throughout the game, Pit is never really that angry or upset. He does show hostility, but he never really snaps at anyone, much less gods, like this. But when his home is destroyed and Lady Palutena is not herself, his emotions get the better of him. He doesn’t even seem to care that he is being “rude” to Viridi. I definitely see this moment as Pit having an outburst because of the stressful situation he is under.

Scripts / Scripting

The most obvious example of Pit using a script is with his “rally cries” that he prepares before fighting enemies. Look at the idol description for this AR Card.

He practices his rally cries a lot in order to be prepared for battles with bosses. Pit even mentions practicing his rally cries in a later chapter.

Pit: Cells of Hades, hear my words! And, um… see my actions! Uh… something, something… I’m going to rain death on you! I can’t remember all the words, but that’s the general gist. Hades: My innards have so longed to hear your battle cry. How could you forget the words? Pit: I didn’t have time to rehearse. I’ve been busy fighting evil, okay?!

While some may see the rally cries as meaningless fun, I think it could be seen as Pit having a script that he likes to fall back to when facing enemies.

His many references and quotes to video games could be seen as scripting, too. There are lots of instances in Uprising, and especially in Palutena’s Guidance, where Pit quotes famous video game phrases or imitates sounds. Which leads me to…

Special Interest

Pit’s special interest is video games. While Pit’s very vast knowledge of video games could just be because of Uprising’s fourth-wall breaking style of humor, I think it could also be seen as Pit having an intense interest in games. He references various video games such as Metroid, Nintendogs, and Super Smash Bros. in-game. He seems to enjoy bringing up video games or referencing video game mechanics whenever he can, which is very similar to how autistic people enjoy bringing up their special interests in conversations whenever possible. Additionally, while the Palutena’s Guidance conversations aren’t 100% accurate to canon, Pit constantly references and alludes to various video games in them, such as quoting Reyn in Shulk’s conversation or Peppy and General Pepper in Fox’s (which ties back to him scripting). It’s clear that he loves video games and talking about video games!

Pit: Those Aurum troops are doing their best Game and Watch impression! Viridi: Check out the gaming IQ on this guy! You’re a regular video game historian!

See, even Viridi is impressed with his video game knowledge! :D

Sensory Issues

Throughout the game, Pit seems to have an obsession with hot springs. It is never outright explained why he loves them so much, but I’m led to believe it is because of sensory reasons. Many autistic people use extreme temperatures to help soothe or calm themselves, such as cold showers or hot baths. It can often help with sensory overload. Hot springs, similarly to hot baths, may be a way to help soothe Pit and keep his sensory issues to a minimum.

Pit’s habits with his tunic seem to hint towards sensory issues, too. He doesn’t like to be without his robes, stating that he keeps them on even when he’s in the hot spring. When his clothes seemingly get messed up in Chapter 21, he gets upset, exclaiming that it’s his only tunic. Wearing the same clothes or same types of clothes/fabric is pretty typical for autistic people, and Pit wearing the same tunic everyday is similar to that.

Additionally, Pit’s habits with food could be because of sensory differences. He very well could be hyposensitive to food and tastes, which is why he eats a lot and doesn’t seem to care about what he eats (as long as it isn’t vegetables, according to the Revolting Dinner short ;D ) .

Small Social Circle

Pit doesn’t have a whole lot of people he can rely on. Before Uprising, the only person he seems to have any affinity for is Palutena. Other than that, he doesn’t seem to talk to anyone else. We don’t have a clear picture on what his relationship with the Centurions is like, but based off of the Revolting Dinner short and Chapter 17, he only really talks to them when he’s working as the Captain of the Army and not as a friend.

While yes, Pit is the only angel left in Skyworld, I still think it’s important to bring up that Pit only really has Palutena to rely on. By the end of Uprising, he has Viridi and Dark Pit as well, but his only clear and completely positive relationship is his mother-son bond with Palutena. I see this as Pit struggling to really befriend others. He’s had over two decades between the original game and Uprising to befriend the Centurions, but again, he only really has Palutena. It’s pretty typical for autistic people to have very small social circles, consisting of just one or two friends. Palutena seems to fit the role of mother and best friend for Pit, and she even remarks that he should make more friends in Chapter 4.

Working Alone

This is a small one, but still something that I think is worth pointing out. Pit seems very adamant on accomplishing his missions on his own, telling Dark Pit on two separate occasions (Chapter 9 and Chapter 21) that he can handle the situation by himself. Similarly, it’s common for autistic people to prefer working by themselves rather than with others. Paired with the previous point about having a small social circle, this just reads to me as Pit not feeling too comfortable in situations with others.

Conclusion

There’s a few other points that I feel I could bring up but overall I think these are my main points summed up (and yes, I said summed up. this used to be over 2500 words) ! Thanks so much for reading! If you have any other traits that you think Pit has that I didn’t mention, feel free to share them, I’d be more than happy to hear! ^_^

#kid icarus #kid icarus uprising #pit #kiu #autism headcanon #autistic headcanon #LOL idk what else to tag this as #thank u to anyone who reads ; __ ; this is .... a Lot

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ladyautie · 4 years

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Is it okay that I get annoyed by my autistic brother-in-law who I'm currently living with and who physically can not stop talking about Sonic the Hedgehog? I understand that it's his special interest, and I don't ever tell him to stop, but it get irritating. Everything gets related to Sonic, any time somebody is watching something else he asks if you're watching Sonic, he makes painfully unfunny "jokes" about Sonic, and I have to walk away occasionally.

Hello!

So, first of all, I think you have good intentions, but you’re a little bit misguided. By not ever telling your brother-in-law to stop, it’s very possible that he might not notice that you’re actually annoyed by his behavior and just keeps on talking because he thinks his special interest is as interesting for everyone else as it is for himself. I can be myself very heated and chatty when it comes to my special interest. I once spend 45 minutes talking about various tv shows to someone who, according to my mother who was nearby, was getting extremely bored and awkward as time went on, but was waiting for me to pick up on her “subtle hints”. Which I didn’t, obviously. If she just told me that she’d like to talk about something else, I would have changed the subject, no problem. One of the first things I tell to people is to be frank with me and tell me if I’m being too much or if they’d like to talk about something else, because I’m not really good at perceiving this stuff. So, I’d suggest you to have an open conversation with him on the subject. No need to be needlessly harsh, but don’t mince your words either. I think the best way to make him understand that you’d like to hear him talk about something else than Sonic sometimes would be to help him put himself in your shoes.

Is there a subject that you like and that he doesn’t have any interest on? If that’s the case, ask him if he would be annoyed if you talked about this particular subject all the time, even when he tries to enjoy his own special interest and your thing is not related to it at all.

If you’re willing to do so, you can watch his stuff with him from times to times, I’m pretty sure he’ll enjoy it. Otherwise, does he have someone he could talk to about this stuff? I’m mostly using Tumblr as an outlet for my special interests, it allows me to get my sweet dose of endorphine and to interact with people who are just interested as I am by the same subjects. It might be good for him to find something like that. I think it’s very important to be sincere when it comes to this kind of stuff. I lost countless of friendships and precious relationships because no one ever dared to tell me that they were getting annoyed because I talked way too much about my special interests (besides other stuff).

Without belittling his interest or getting pissed off, I think it’s possible (and a good thing) to be upfront about your feelings on this subject. Given what you said, I’m guessing that no one might actually ever have told him that he was talking too much about his special interest and that it might be a good thing if he toned it down a little, so that everyone can have their own space to talk and enjoy what they like. I hope it helped you and that everything will be okay with your brother-in-law. Sonic’s not a special interest of mine, but I watched a few let’s play (currently watching “Shadow the Hedgehog” by Game Grumps) and I can see the appeal. I hope he’ll find people to talk about the subject, it’s always better when you get to talk about this stuff with people who are actually just as passionate as you are :D.

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #autism #special interests #sonic the hedgehog #Anonymous

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thesaltyace · 3 years

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big rant/ramble below, you can safely ignore and move on to the next post in your feed.

Urgh

I shared the results of that autism screener with a quasi-friend who I thought would be "safe" (we used to work together and we connected over his being gay and me being visibly queer) but his response was blergh

Everyone has hints of autism.

okay yeah but this isn't just *hints* of autism. I'm answered yes to symptoms I've had since I was a kid that I've learned to mask or work around as an adult. But I still struggle with them.

He pointed out that he sees me as more ADHD than ASD.

Yeah, fair, and I'd need to see a professional to try to distinguish if my symptoms are ADHD, ASD, or both.

You don't hit the three prongs needed for a diagnosis.

But.... but I do. And the stuff I dealt with as a kid is still stuff I deal with today. I just mask it better. A short and not exhaustive list:

As I kid I had trouble interacting with peers. I didn't have friends, really. I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't try terribly hard to. I acquire friends when someone else "adopts" me and decides that we are friends. And once I became an adult, I have almost never had friends of my own - I share a friend group with my spouse who we're primary connected to through him. I'm okay with that. Maintaining a friendship entirely on my own power sounds impossible and exhausting.

I was okay with not having friends, I liked being alone, but my mom insisted on me being social. She made me join things so that I would have a list of people to invite to parties. I'd honestly have preferred a day of doing stuff I like or just a couple friends. As an adult, I want to be alone on my birthday. I will celebrate with certain friends, separately, usually over a quiet meal. That's it.

I had trouble understanding sarcasm and figurative speech. Like, I understand it now but I still think most figurative speech is annoying. I've been told the way I deliver sarcasm is weird, too.

I liked memorizing movies and quoting them start to finish, I thought it was fun but everyone else thought it was weird. I continued to do this into adulthood but I only quote aloud when I'm alone. Alamo Drafthouse quote-alongs are the BEST. I don't do this with every movie, either, just ones I really like.

Okay actually I also liked to listen to the same album or, in some cases, the same song over and over until I was sick of it (and sometimes even after that point). I mean, just endlessly looping on repeat. Not interspersed with other songs. I do this as an adult a LOT because it's easier with headphones to do this without annoying everyone else around you. Like, often it's fine for me to just put a playlist on shuffle, but I get into Moods where I just want the one album/song over and over. Yesterday I listened to Wellerman about 50 times in a row and only stopped because I had to get up and do something else and that song wasn't "good" for whatever I got up to do.

My special interest as a kid was cats. Literally everything cats, all the time - I sought out obscure facts and could tell you the difference between similar species, and wanted cats involved in literally everything I did. Adults laughed it off as childhood obsession. I was also pretty obsessed with the solar system. I thought asking my peers, as a trivia question, which of Jupiter's moons had its own asteroid (Io, in case you were wondering) was appropriate and interesting and was confused that they didn't know that. That was in fifth grade.

I watched the weather channel for fun. I would watch it for hours and absorb the weekly forecast info just... for fun? I never used it, could never tell you if you should dress a certain way or bring an umbrella or whatever. Everyone thought it was weird.

I was a know-it-all and literally could not stop myself from bluntly correcting people who were wrong. Didn't know or care that it was "rude". I'm still that way but I've learned how to sometimes swallow the urge long enough to find a more tactful way to point it out (but often fail).

I could read on my own before kindergarten, used vocabulary beyond what one would expect for my age, and had a special interest in spelling and grammar throughout my school years. I did not understand how other people weren't interested in learning about it and getting it right. I read at an undergrad level by 4th grade.

I hated loud noises and often covered my ears to block out irritating sounds. I could also hear high pitched noises that even other kids didn't seem to hear (or at least weren't bothered by them). Too much noise sent me into an internal meltdown, I'd just kinda shut down because I couldn't deal with it.

Textures and pressure on my skin bothered the absolute fuck out of me - sock seams, certain fabric materials, socks that weren't equally elastic, one shoe tighter than the other, tags.... all of that. (Also, fun anecdote I just unlocked - when I was 4 or 5 my grandmother started letting me use the soft silk sleep shirt she had as a young woman because I preferred it to anything else. Soft, smooth, no irritating qualities. Bliss. I wanted to wear it all the time.)

Don't get me started on food. Until I was in COLLEGE I mostly subsisted on pasta with either butter or alfredo sauce and chicken. I would eat other things, but pasta and/or chicken was (and still is) my biggest safe/comfort food. I'd eat other stuff mostly if I could control the balance of ingredients, get it made plain, or could confirm the texture wouldn't be offensive (so, like... plain burgers, plain cheese pizza, grilled cheese, mashed potatoes, etc.) I cannot stress this enough - from childhood through COLLEGE I did this. As a kid my mom had to make me a completely separate dish most nights to get me to eat something. My spouse was horrified at what little variety I ate. The only reason I eat so much variety now is that he knows what I do/don't like and tells me in advance if I'll find a texture or taste offensive. Of course, rather than wanting consistent texture like I did when I was younger, I now seek as much texture as possible (so long as they aren't Bad textures) so.... that's fun. But yeah most of my objections to Yucky foods is due to T E X T U R E. Even if I like the taste, the texture overrides it all.

I prefer animals to people. I will seek out animals and interact with them instead of people in the same room. And will pointedly focus on the animal to avoid interacting with people.

I'm perfectly happy with only myself for company. Being with just my spouse counts as me being "alone" though. Always has. I just realized last night that it's because I do minimal to no masking around him because he's a safe person to unmask with and always has been. Never batted an eye at the weird shit I do beyond asking questions about what I was doing or why. And then just "Okay."

Okay honestly just the fact that I want to vent into the void of tumblr instead of actually discussing this with a person - even my spouse! - pretty effectively shows how little it occurs to me to interact with other people directly. o_0

And there are so many more things that I won't list here because I could just go on and on. And like, sure, some of this may certainly overlap with ADHD but my point is that I have enough to point to ASD that it doesn't feel like having a "hint" of autism. And who knows - maybe it is mostly just ADHD and CPTSD stuff interacting in weird ways. Could be!

But just because I can make small talk and make eye contact and do the "normal" shit and I can interact "normally" doesn't mean I LIKE it. I had to LEARN to do those things to avoid having bad social interactions. When I'm by myself or with my spouse, I behave very differently than I do around anyone else. ANYONE. It's not just slightly changing my behavior depending on who I'm with - it's completely suppressing how I naturally would do things if left to my own devices.

Like, the things we recommended to our autistic students who wanted to know how to interact in ways that would help them blend in/be accepted by others ARE THE EXACT THINGS I ALREADY DO. Like, it did not occur to me at the time that neurotypicals literally do not have to think about doing those things. I thought, ah, these students just need to be told what the tricks are. Other people figure these tricks out on their own. It did not occur to me that other people, in fact, do not learn these tricks because they naturally do that behavior. They do not have to actively think about learning the trick, period. I literally thought other people also have to think as hard as I do about interactions. Evidently not.

So yeah, I'm feeling a little upset about the reaction I got from him because I'm like.... honestly, a diagnosis of ASD wouldn't change a lot about how I do things or think of things. But it would make me feel better about interacting with and participating in autism-related stuff if I am actually autistic. I realize I can use the resources and supports meant for ASD regardless, and for formal supports anything I can access due to my ADHD diagnosis likely covers anything I'd need for ASD. But having a diagnosis opens up more community. Right now I'm like yeah I'm ADHD but I totally relate to this ASD content. But I'm not going to interact much because I feel like I don't have the right to join in since idk if I do have ASD.

idk I have a lot of feelings. I had a bad email about the trans insurance coverage thing yesterday and I'm not in a great headspace, but finding out me and my spouse both scored very high on the autism screening stuff was honestly a high point because we ended up sharing a lot of how we view and interact with the world that was very eye-opening about why we interact the way we do, how we relate to others (and how other people think we're weird for how we relate to others), and just...everything. And having someone be skeptical after I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I DON'T have ASD only to conclude that at the very least, I should probably be evaluated because I can't reasonably rule it out. Like, most people do not wonder if they have autism. The fact that I am spending this much time looking into it and trying to find examples to disprove it only to find I overwhelmingly can't in virtually every single diagnostic category.... just..... dismissing it outright is kinda hurtful.

Like, I recognize that ADHD symptoms overlap a fair bit, but seriously. My spouse (who definitively does not have ADHD) scored almost identically to me and we vibed on almost everything when we compared answers. We see most things similarly. We have similar areas of confusion about other people and for fundamentally similar reasons. I can't imagine all of the stuff that points to ASD for me is just ADHD in disguise, not when I vibe THAT HARD with someone else. Spouse does not vibe with me on ADHD content. At all. He can appreciate it since he does live with me, after all, and observes whatever's being discussed. But he doesn't vibe with it. He vibes with autism content, though. And I vibe with both.

idk this rant ended in rambling and I'm just going to go listen to Inside on repeat for a couple hours while I try to calm down a bit. o_0

#rant over #for now #I've actually been listening to Inside for the last twenty minutes already lol #maybe I'll try to nap #idk #blergh #yay Shit is playing now and I'm like LOL cause I did wake up at 11:30 feeling like shit #woot #what a bop #I'm like hell yeah you get it #let's vibe

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aroworlds · 4 years

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Those With More, Part Two

When Mara Hill's magic results in her brother's impossible, wondrous transition, of course Suki wants to know how she did it! What if Sirenne's magic workers can help others find euphoria? What if this magic can heal Suki's hands—or at least lessen her pain? But Mara, distrustful of priests after their failure in protecting Esher, won't share her power.

A senior priest must bear responsibility, but Suki suspects her problems lie deeper than lack of oversight, and her reluctance to discuss her aromanticism with a woman who needs support only proves it. Would she have preserved Mara's faith and Esher's health if she hadn't first avoided revealing herself to her aromantic kin? If she'd faced their expectations that she shoulder their pain and grief as well as her own?

Suki has lived her life by the Sojourner's second precept, but how does she serve when she doesn't have more to give—and never will?

Contains: A disabled, non-partnering allo-aro woman struggling with the expectations of her young, fledgling aromantic community; an autistic, aromantic priest reconsidering their expectations of their community's leader; and an allo-aro woman in need of support as she struggles with her non-partnering, aro-ace brother's illness.

Content Advisory: Please expect many references to or depictions of aro antagonism, allo-aro antagonism, amatonormativity, familial abuse, mental illness, suicidal ideation, death, gender dysphoria, chronic pain, ableism and ageism. This piece contains non-detailed, non-specific reference to a character's past suicide attempts. This section includes characters embracing and touching.

Length: 4, 691 words (part two of two).

Note: This is the last story in my Suki mini-series, but it refers to characters introduced in The Sorcerous Compendium of Postmortem Query and is best read following the stand-alone story What Makes Us Human. You can find links to all on my pinned post or on this Tumblr master post.

Some scars are long years in the fading, if at all.

***

She isn’t surprised when Moll strides, their braid and girdle book swinging with each step, down the path to her garden. Sirenne rarely leaves its rules unsaid, an admirable quality to Suki’s way of thinking, but one needn’t long elaborate to impart the expectation that junior priests arrive promptly when summoned. Moll, despite the lifetime of alienation that leads to questioning rules and a habit of interaction best described as “restrained”, hasn’t dawdled upon hearing her request. A problem, that.

She understands, though, in the way of a woman once a girl who couldn’t have understood at all.

Obedience to conformity isn’t something she feels in the heart; Suki responds to being haltered with sharp words and loud arguments. Amadi, knowing this, kept her with em for a year before taking her to Sirenne, a year of learning to accept reasonable restrictions before facing the greater challenge of an acolyte’s service. That bitter, aching, defiant Suki would have scorned Moll’s flushed face and hurried pace, not seeing that she reacted to the same set of weighty, dehumanising beliefs and demands.

Submission and rebellion are just two sides of the same coin.

She doesn’t approve, but she understands.

“Don’t you even think about it,” she says, gleefully irascible, as Moll opens their mouth. “No clucking allowed. Sit down. The food’s safe, but it’s been half an hour. The tea’s probably cold.”

Moll nods and settles themself on Mara’s recently-vacated bench, the tea tray resting between them and Suki’s chair. As always, they move slowly, carefully, cautiously—like a wolfhound sniffing a newborn kitten or a man allowing a butterfly to alight on his finger. Like a tall, broad, boulder-shaped priest attempting to avoid threatening or scaring, however inadvertently, those around them. Like a puppy lying on its back, belly bared and paws tucked under its chin, its defencelessness a performance made before all would-be predators.

I won’t hurt you, so don’t hurt me.

They look more like a fig tree towering over the world’s seedlings than a puppy, but while a fig possesses an ancient, confident majesty in its quest to subsume another life in its great roots, Moll is … Moll. Shy, awkward, hesitant, uncertain. Rarely does she see them widen their arms or roll their hips, as if forever working to make their immense body appear smaller, softer, lighter. Just as a fig, for all its grandeur, lies vulnerable to any woman wielding an axe, Moll lies vulnerable to the wounds wrought by tongue, expression and gesture.

She wants to, simultaneously, swathe that nervous puppy in a warm blanket while taking a sharp blade to that fig’s trunk and daring Moll to defend themself.

Some scars are long years in the fading, if at all.

“Do you … mind, if I heat the tea?”

“Clucking,” she says, fighting to bite back her impatience. She doesn’t want to be the kind of old woman who moans about the young’s blathering, but sometimes they make her silence difficult! “If I objected, couldn’t you cool it down? Or tell me to pour a cup and let time have its way? I’d tell me, personally, to stick my head where the sun never shines. Try, if you want.”

Moll’s deep-set brown eyes put her in mind of shadowed pools—their fathomless serenity now disturbed by a crotchety priest’s thrown rock. Wordlessly, they pour a small amount of tea into a saucer before resting one hand on the teapot’s handle. The other guides a finger to the saucer, dampens a fingertip and traces, with careful delicacy, evaporating glyphs atop the tan glaze.

Many magicians speak loudly or write in great looping script, their magic become another performance of wordplay and artistry—as if, Suki always thinks, they find adoration for their art more useful than magic itself. Moll works in gestures and murmurs, collected and subtle. Everything must be reduced, depressed and lessened for safety, and she sighs, for even she recognises that they’re no casual magician. Why shouldn’t the world outside a small, backcountry monastery welcome or accommodate such ability?

Why shouldn’t Freehome welcome Suki’s free, unrestrained, honest self?

Such pondering, when she knows the answers to both questions, provides only one thing: delay.

“How old were you,” she asks, “when you learnt the word for your aromanticism?”

A slight frown, more the suggestion of expression than the actuality, shifts Moll’s brow. “I know exactly,” they say in their slow, deep voice, “because I learnt five weeks and two days after my acceptance as acolyte.” They purse their lips, studying the movement of their finger across the teapot. When a breath of steam issues from the spout, they pull back their hand. “I knew what I was since childhood, but knowing that I am loveless isn’t the same as a more … academic term. Loveless … people have other ideas about what that means.”

She always knew whom and what she was, clinging to a truth so obvious part of Suki still finds it absurd that Mama Lewis persisted in her stubborn obliviousness. Knowing, though, isn’t recognition, isn’t identification and permission; knowing isn’t the certain categorisation of the self as a different, acknowledged, communicable manner of ordinary.

Knowing isn’t pride.

“When do you think I found the word?”

Moll shakes their head, pouring now-steaming tea into a clay mug, the glaze chipped about the rim from years of use, the handle too small to fit all of Moll’s fingers. Their expression shows not the slightest hint of curiosity towards her questions. “I wouldn’t begin to guess, sir.”

Given Moll’s newness to the red, they can easily rough-reckon the numbers, so she answers as they did. “One and a half years before you, and leave off the ‘sir’! What are we, Astreuch?” Suki draws a shaking breath, her voice undeservedly sharp, but how can she fight both her acid tongue and the awful surge of hurt? How can she fight both her acid tongue and a nebulous tension that only fuels and strengthens her aching joints? “I was accepted, in a ‘some people don’t like relationships’ way. My mentor, Amadi, was like us. But the word? I didn’t know words until a cluster of young priests brought books from Khaloun. I found it, unexpectedly, while reading. So I made it my life’s work to have, here, our library.” She pauses, rueful. “Or the rest of my life’s work, since…”

Moll has given only patient, considered answers. Moll hasn’t asked questions coated in that dread mingling of need, hope and dismissal. Moll has done nothing to deserve her mood beyond asking one question, in the vegetable garden, that they had and have every right to voice.

Anticipatory fear and aching memory, poisonously entwined, have ever raised her hackles.

Suki counts backwards from ten, breathing long and slow, before realising that the Stormcoast’s culture of tiptoeing around advancing age—one daren’t observe that another approaches a state of “elderly” or “ancient”—has left Moll dwelling in a stone-faced, finger-entwining, staring-at-the-ferns silence.

“Which relative told you off as a child for calling another relative ‘old’?” she asks, grinning. “You think I don’t know I’m over the bloody hill and rolling down the other side? Yes, it’s the rest of my life’s work, because most of my life happened beforehand! Why pretend otherwise?”

“Many.” Moll rolls their shoulders back, softening. “How old were you?”

“Seventy-nine.” Suki silently applauds them for avoiding the tired “may I ask how old were you” approach and leaves the rest of the reckoning to Moll, carefully shifting her hands. Too often, these days, she earns nothing for her restful efforts but more time yearning for the work around which she has anchored her life. “Sometimes I feel like I was alive when the Sojourner supposedly lead hir band of survivors from the Change-ravaged North. Sometimes the world feels impossibly different, from then to now. Mostly, I feel the same as I always was, and the world's less different than people think, but people treat me like a ... a relic. Fancy attempting to educate me about theories I promoted because the old can’t understand the new!” She sighs. “Pour me a cup of plain tea, please, and put a pill on the saucer. The rats are gnawing today. Bloody rats.”

If her pain becomes unbearable, she’ll ask Thanh for hir set of nerve-blocking spells. She won’t be able to move or feel much of her body, but since she’s already remaining still, the real difference lies in consideration for Thanh. Ze’s had enough on hir metaphorical plate over the last week without Suki’s adding to hir work—and she hates to call on hir when she unnecessarily provoked at least half the throb in her hands, knees and ankles. Thanh has never made her feel as though she shouldn’t, but she does nonetheless.

She’s learnt the hard way how much her mood, and her guilt over wishing for relief, stokes and banks her pain.

Moll sets down their mug and pours another. “Can I do anything for you?”

Suki laughs. “I don’t suppose there’s the slightest chance you’ve figured out Thanh’s nerve blockers?”

They shake their head with speed enough that she guesses this a source of some frustration. “I don’t know how! There’s so much grafting onto nerve points, and in trying to describe it all and then shell … I make too many mistakes in the spell compression. It isn’t something in which you want mistakes.” They stop, breathing out long and slow. “I’m sorry, s—I’m sorry.”

Suki considers asking why, since she can’t expect a former quartermaster to reveal mastery of an art for which Thanh spent years studying at Eastern universities, but isn’t all this another distraction? “Don’t be. Thank you. Can you put the tray, just the cup and saucer, on my lap?”

Moll shifts the teapot and plate of corn muffins onto the bench before, as carefully as if handling fragile porcelain, arranging the rest of the tray on Suki’s lap. “Do you want to eat?”

“No.” Once, she could clasp a cup without provoking or worsening the pulling, throbbing pain in her wrist and fingers. So simple a thing to hold a cup, to drink, to return it to her tray! The tea’s heat doesn’t ease her pain, but the warm, tingling sensation distracts her somewhat, so she cradles the cup in both hands before raising them to her face. Now, at least, she needn’t waste her time in hope. As much as she yearns for Mara’s unlooked-for shape of witchcraft, there’s no reason to think her magic anything but sorcery, distant and unattainable. So be it.

She has blessings to count: a home, acolytes to help her wash and dress, purpose.

The bitter pill sticks to her tongue before she swallows it down.

“I can imagine,” Moll says, settling themself back onto the bench, “but in that way of theory. I can’t know, in the heart, the longest rhythms of time unknowing or half-knowing, given all denied us because we lack comprehension’s authority and…” They trail off, taking up their mug and, likely unconsciously, mirroring the position of her hands. “Place. That sense of place in time, in space, in community, in family, that … existential assuredness. Place. I know separation, distance, but I won’t pretend that I know that deeper shape.”

That Moll thinks their service should encompass only the safety of the vegetable garden is both tragedy and metaphor, but their still face suggests they don’t realise the contradictory echo of old words behind the new.

Mara wanted her kindred’s acknowledgement of her pain, someone to help her shoulder the weight of her agony in the validation and sympathy offered only by one who understands. Was Suki wrong to think, for so long, that she can’t risk seeking comfort? Does Moll’s rare consideration, offered unprompted no less, betoken safety enough for her to try?

“Do you have place, now?”

Moll cocks their head to the side, tapping one finger against the mug’s brown handle.

Suki waits.

“I don’t know that I will ever have that … neat, puzzle-piece sense of fitting into any time or space shared with others. Just autism alone, just aromanticism alone, just genderlessness alone … possibly. But they can’t stand alone, even if others want them to.” Moll exhales, hissing their breath over their lips in the loud, habitual easing of a priest performing and, through performance, encouraging the behaviour. “Sometimes … I want, so much, the ease of that fit, the confidence of an unquestioned place. And always … not, never, at that price.”

It shames her that, for all she has long held Moll at arm’s length, they are so willing to share.

“Burn the whole damn puzzle,” Suki says through a terrible, crooked grin.

Moll nods, a slight frown creasing their lips.

Do they realise? The shock of their first conversation in the vegetable garden, followed by an induction into the events surrounding the Hill siblings, may have seen them miss or put aside the obvious, for all that they touched upon it in their question of her. Moll owns too much perception to remain in acceptance of the thick paint covering the wallpaper beneath, and priests must do just that: question.

No thought or word can be worth anything if crumpling under curious, inquisitive challenge, so the question remains: have they the courage to ask?

“Do you know,” she says in a would-be conversational voice, “that the best thing about being a priest is that you can, amongst other priests, speak your mind? The trick lies in only having something worth speaking. Try it.”

With the speed and presence of a glacier, Moll turns their head to look Suki in the eyes. Their brow sits low and heavy, their controlled voice too tense for indifference: “What is this, then?”

Suki shakes her head. “No, try again.”

Moll’s lips shift, as if they mean to mouth a word before deciding otherwise. “Do you want honesty?”

“Your own mind will tear you apart if you say anything less, so why should I expect otherwise?”

A slight crease of Moll’s brow may suggest amusement—or consternation. Both, perhaps. “You’re discussing,” they say with painful slowness, “aro—” They hold up a hand, stopping her from remarking on their woeful statement of the obvious, and Suki, despite her anxiety-fuelled throbbing, works to hide a smile. “When you’ve had five years to start a conversation, why now?”

Their breath hisses over lips and teeth, one hand sketching lines on the meat of their robe-covered thigh.

Suki nods her encouragement.

“I did think that if this were well-known, I’d have heard. Someone would have said so in explaining to me? I also thought that your answer to my question … undermined your sense of the importance that we guide our own, especially now.”

“Do you feel that with Esher Hill?” Suki asks, wondering if they’ll dare put damning thought to voice. “Importance?”

"Yes." Moll shifts the girdle book and the bunched-up length of brown belt fastening said book to their waist. Their robe spills over thighs and knees, leaving ankles and shoulders bared; unlike Suki, they don’t appear the least bit cold. “He doesn’t trust me, but I think seeing himself reflected in that tangle of sharedness does more to help him survive than anything else. It matters.” They draw a breath, their voice firming and harshening: “So why do you talk sharedness now?”

Good! Only pain and the fear that Moll will take a somewhat-deserved offence keeps her from clapping. If she spends her remaining months or years helping Moll craft a more intentional relationship to obedience, even the Sojourner must reckon this time well served.

Easier to think about that than her own fear of an unvoiced answer.

Easier to frame this as a lesson or a guiding, her conversation possessed of another’s purpose.

Easier to think of anything but guilt and the damning thoughts an old woman must dare speak.

“Why do you?” Moll sips from their mug, their body angled towards her, their soft tone less a question than a prompting. “Isn’t that it?”

Only then does Suki realise that she embodies her own lingering, encloaking silence.

Her eyes rest, fleeing Moll, on the fern-encrusted garden wall and its uneven rows of red and yellow orchids. Her plants, fronds and leaves stirred into bobbing by the evening breeze, appear peaceful and fearless, but even allowing for flora’s unknowable sentience, that can’t be true. What stops a priest from consigning her flowers to the compost heap? A swarm of thrip from devouring the vegetable garden? Ferns, too, live their lives at the whims of the weather, the season, the denizens of the land upon which they take root. Plants grow, flourish, sicken, die. Peaceful?

What is peace but illusion: the hope of a perfect shelter from nature’s whims, ways and hurts?

“It goes the same way,” she says, now staring at her lawn and its mushrooms, those glistening fruits of the fungus conquering the soil beneath. “You learn something you didn’t know existed: the word. Once you find it fits, you feel the betrayal, the ache of once not knowing something fundamental, the deep cuts left by ignorance. You want sympathy, reassurance and validation to heal, and where are they when most don’t understand?”

Deep creases form across Moll’s brow as they thread their fingers together. “Yes. Esher needs it from me.” They hesitate, lips parted. “He needs it. So does Mara.”

“You can say it,” Suki murmurs, wondering the cost of standing, stepping onto the lawn and pulling the closest mushroom … with her back, conveniently, facing the priest beside her. Perhaps she and Moll aren’t so dissimilar if she wants to turn her hurt to fighting fungi. Perhaps this only crosses a mind looking to find a replacement for her knitting. “Please.”

“And I needed it from you.”

They may be referring to that first vegetable garden conversation. They may be referring to the years that passed between Moll’s learning the word “aromantic” as a descriptor and discovering that another priest is also aromantic. Both are truth.

“Nobody but Amadi had anything close.” Suki yawns in the first touch of medicine’s giddiness. Pity, as always, that she feels the effect in her head long before her joints. “Given nameless, remaining nameless with eir last breath.”

Only the stirring of hair and robe by breeze and breath mars Moll’s quiet stillness.

“Those with more,” she says bitterly, “serve to guide those with less. How doesn’t aromanticism apply? But we know the other side of its truth: a priest must have more to serve. More knowledge, more support, more sense of place, more safety, more community. A priest offers sympathy, provides reassurance, validates feeling, illuminates direction. A priest does what the world so often can’t in telling the different that we aren’t wrong to exist as we are.”

Mama Lewis wanted Suki to be safe, happy, loved. Mama Lewis never valued the daughter she had over the image of the daughter she thought herself entitled to have.

The part of Suki still yearning for the promise of her mother’s love can’t surrender one tainted, maggot-ridden idea: that a concept bearing an academic-sounding, official name must have made a difference.

Or will she still exist in this same circumstance, a trailblazer struggling with the full and challenging consequences of being this path’s guide?

“You think that I’ve known our word for years. You think that age means my hurt no longer throbs and I will carry your pain. You think I have more.” She presses her lips together, fearing the tears threatening to burst their dam. No, Suki takes pride in being the human equivalent of a splinter under a fingernail! She doesn’t weep. She rebels. “I have more knowledge only! You’ve … thirty, forty, fifty years of knowing ahead. You won’t find the word when you’re at death’s doorstep. You won’t bear the pain of a word unknown for eight decades. Your guide came delayed, but your guide still came!”

Suki learnt her words from books, not other priests. Moll had Gennifer, who’d learnt of aromanticism from her and affirmed in person the name of their identity and human worth. Moll, now, has Suki, even if five years later than right or deserved. Mara and Esher Hill have the wonder of identified validation provided by other aromantics, but Suki lived in a time when even the best affirmation went unnamed.

She tried openness for a year. She tried talking, despite such guiding never being her strongest art, to those guests who showed signs of aromanticism. She tried to find and connect with her own.

Easier, so much easier, to withdraw, to leave nurturing the younger aromantic starting their novitiate to other priests, to trust that Moll’s future will achieve what hers can’t.

Easier, so much easier, to avoid the young’s self-involved cruelty in relegating her only to their mentorship: the provider of their needed validation and support, the priest with more.

Easier, so much easier, to avoid speaking of her named identity with her aromantic kin … until a man almost died in part because of how he took a priest’s careless words, a situation that may not have existed if everyone knew “aromantic” described her and understood its context. Her failure, her cowardice, her unwillingness to build aromanticism more obviously into all her priests’ knowledge and service. Her inability to survive the bruises dealt her by others in pain. Her rebellion offering no direction or answer.

“You want me to strengthen you, shore you, shelter you. I can’t. I can’t when even thinking of sharing your agony reminds me of mine. I can’t when listening to you…” She sucks in a harsh, shaking breath, her throat tightening like a python’s jaws around a struggling rat. “I don’t have more. I’ll never have more. But acknowledging that isn’t enough!”

No lie slipped from her lips when she spoke to Moll in the vegetable garden, carefully dealing in careless and shallow words: how can a priest best guide someone when that guiding means taking further injury to damaged flesh? How can she serve their guests and her belief when she fights to keep back her screams, when pain and defensiveness sharpen her words to cruelty?

How much did the ostensible Sojourner struggle in leading hir collection of rent and ruined survivors along such a frightening, untrodden road?

She wishes herself able enough to march into the kitchen, grab a stack of the cracked plates she kept aside for such purposes and find a private courtyard where she can hurl them at a particularly offensive wall.

“I’m sorry,” she rasps, “because you needed. Because what happened to Esher wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t retreated. I didn’t question. I didn’t try to find an answer. I used the precept as a shield; I failed it. I’m sorry, I—”

She doesn’t realise she’s weeping until Moll slides towards her, closes their warm hand about her bony shoulders and pulls her into their chest, her tears soaking their red linen robe. They don’t speak. They don’t do anything but sit, awkwardly leaned over the arm of her chair, and hold her like a fresh-hatched chick in a pair of sheltering hands.

Guiding priests don’t, by custom, embrace their guests.

A lifetime’s grief spills from her eyes, stinging creased, dry cheeks. Not until the evening’s chill increases to something unignorable does Suki find again her composure. She sniffs, draws a shaking breath and speaks in her ever-readily barbed tongue: “Ten years ago, before your novitiate, I’d have asked if you were interested in bedding. Or even just sleeping, because you’re better than a dog and a hot brick for keeping an old woman toasty.”

Moll sits upright, only a strained shift of shoulder suggesting any stiffness or discomfort. Their wet eyes glisten even in the dim light, an odd contrast to their twisted lips and crumpled chin—and then a noise between a hoarse laugh and a snort explodes above the breeze’s whisper. “Don’t distract!”

They sound like Suki does when objecting to the young's woeful blathering.

She straightens, wiping her face on a corner of her shawl before smiling in pride. “Yes. I…”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to share.” They’re priestly words, taken right from the instruction manual, but Moll’s following sentences aren’t: “You said my guide came delayed, but she came, she showed herself when needed, she served. She’s here. I don’t know … how people reacted, what was asked, all of what you feel, how you bear the weight. I want to know. Your guide came delayed, so delayed … but they’re here. Even at the last.”

Emotion cracks and shreds her voice: “I’d rather not cry again, thank you very much.”

Moll doesn’t dilute their blank stare with speech or gesture.

“What path, then?” she croaks—tired, giddy, shivering, relieved.

Part of her, the wary woman once a distrustful girl, feels it ludicrous that Moll, so junior a priest, can answer something she can’t. The girl does them no justice: Moll hasn’t asked her to carry their pain. They’ve shared only at her prompting. They’ve treated her with a friend’s warmth and courtesy. If she holds no faith in their sacred service, is there anything left of Suki but damaged bones in an aching body? Isn’t this the same old difficulty: a woman fighting herself to trust another person, simultaneously needing and fearing?

Moll rests a hand on the arm of her chair, fingers half curled in invitation.

Suki nods and rests her stiff hand in their soft one.

“Someday,” they say slowly, “as how it seems incredulous to question one eschewing gender, we will be history. My school, years ago, taught that: the tears and blood spent to make a world where I can shrug at gender. Not just as a past to avoid repeating, but as … respect for the pain that birthed the now.”

They motion with their other hand, fingers curled inwards—the mug and teapot sitting, long abandoned, on the bench.

Suki yawns, presses her trembling lips together and waits.

“We need books of names and definitions, and we need books of stories. Our futures and hopes written on the page. Stories of the past that we’re hoping become … incredulous. We need the stories of those who wept. We can’t forget.” They turn to glance at Suki before speaking in a voice marred by quivering: “May I write down your story? So I can understand—so we can understand, all those who come after?”

They won’t offer power. They can’t violently remake a world so wrought against her. They don’t provide resolution to the ache felt by a woman struggling with the community who need her to help them bear and understand theirs. They haven't a solution.

They offer direction, one balancing their hopes for the future with the harms of the present. A direction that doesn’t make her feel like a relic to be cast aside but a paving stone at the road’s beginning, one small part of ensuring the steady, continuing passing of feet and wheels.

Moll’s suggestion is why she believes in the concept of the Sojourner, even though she can’t make herself ascribe to certainty in god.

“I don’t mean to be impudent—”

“Never cluck when you’re doing a bitchy old woman a kindness.” Suki draws a shaking breath of her own. “I’d … like that. Very much. Thank you.”

At first, she thinks Moll’s expression—a slight curve of lips, only a smile by comparison—speaks more of relief than happiness. No. Don’t they also straddle a complex and confused struggle to build their place? Don’t they also feel the sacred power in their service? Aren’t they also in need of friendship?

“May I ask—” Moll stops themself, raising a palm. “Why did you talk to me, at the beginning, as though guiding a priest? Why didn’t you talk about this straight out?”

Suki grins at both the correction and the question. “I’m the Guide. What else do you think I’m going to do?”

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drummergirl231-2 · 5 years

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hey i saw ur post about violet and i thought i’d share that i headcanon her as autistic! autistic people usually are really blunt/have trouble showing emotions so i thought it would make sense if she had autism (obvs it’s just a headcanon and ur idea is good too! i just thought i’d share dhdhdhdh)

I’m familiar with Autism since I have it, and have written extensively on Autism headcanons for DT17.

I’ve noticed some traits of High-functioning Autism in Violet, too (high intelligence, obsessive all-consuming interests, etc.).

Not all autistic people have trouble showing emotions (which I see you know, using the word “usually,” so props to you). Many others can’t keep their feelings inside. But some do have a comparatively inexpressive countenance, and others report getting asked, “Are you mad?” frequently when they’re not. (People are always laughing at me at work, telling me how serious I look or telling me to smile even though my coworkers aren’t walking around with smiles all the time, either.)

As for Violet, getting to the point where she feels she’s better off not showing her emotions seems like a conscious decision based on some sort of pain from a past experience. I do wonder if she could be an adopted foster child, but someone else mentioned she could have been bullied a lot, which could definitely be the case. Neither of these options would rule out Autism.

Not all autistic people are blunt either of course (again, I saw your use of “usually” so this isn’t a call out by any means, but a chance to raise awareness), but bluntness is definitely more common with autistic children due to struggles with cognitive empathy (though it’s a complete and utter myth we lack affective and compassionate empathy).

Bluntness is something many grow out of later the more they learn (we’re behind socially, but not incapable of learning social skills). This is especially true of autistic girls, who tend to be chameleons.

While Violet certainly sets off my autistinct, the reason I haven’t talked about that until now is that her Autism traits are so obvious, she’s not an entirely accurate portrayal of the average autistic girl. That was my problem with the aspie girl in Girl Meets World. Autistic women and girls are so good at faking normal most of the time and picking up on social cues that we’re terribly under-diagnosed, and while boys are typically diagnosed as small children, girls fly under the radar and many don’t get diagnosed until adulthood... sometimes in their 20s, sometimes as late as their 50s. Most literature on Autism describes the autistic boy. When doctors learn about Autism, they’re basically just told to look for the traits common in boys. They look for the Sheldon Coopers and ignore the Laura Wingfields.

Our higher social awareness makes us shyer than autistic boys, because we pick up on people’s you’re-weird-and-I-don’t-like-you cues more easily (we can take a hint, even if we don’t know what to do with that hint), and our interests aren’t always seen as strange ones. We’re very quiet with new people, and Violet is not, though it’s possible she hasn’t gotten to the point yet where she feels she can’t talk in a new group. That may start to be more of a thing in her teenage years.

That’s not to say I’d rule out the possibility of her having Autism by any means, and we’re going to see more of her in Season 3, which is Huey’s season, and Huey definitely gives off some strong aspie vibes. Both of them having High-functioning Autism could be another thing for these book buddies to bond over.

Despite this show having multiple characters who could be autistic (some being more accurate representations than others), part of me doesn’t want to hold my breath for confirmation.

When people asked Frank if there’d be representation of adoptive fathers who aren’t related, he was quick to say, “We’re working on something.” Last year when someone asked Frank if there’d be representation for people with physical disabilities, he said he understands the need for this representation and to check back in a year or so. And when someone asked him if there’s going to be lgbt representation, he quickly confirmed that, too.

But all the times I, or my friends at DuckTalks, or other fans have asked Frank about Autism representation or other cases of neurodiversity in the last year, he’s been completely silent on the matter.

On the one hand, he could be keeping it under wraps because it’s such a big spoiler, but considering he at least confirms representation is coming for so many other groups but refuses to for this, it makes me think there never will be confirmed representation... which is a shame considering how bullied we are by our peers, how abused we are by parents and teachers, and how much we’re discriminated against in the workplace.

#ducktales headcanon #ducktales violet #ducktales 2017 #ducktales #autism representation

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shrikeofficial · 4 years

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📌✨🏳️‍🌈🎥💎

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation?

TUC: I actually found out about tuc after finishing the hunger games trilogy when I was about 10 or 11. I loved that trilogy so I was just HUNGRY for more good books and I really hoped the author had written other series that could hook me. Of course I saw tuc was ~for kids~ and had giant talking animals so I almost didn’t give it a chance but um. IM SO FUCKING GLAD I DID. Bc this series is damn BRILLIANT. Wouldn’t unread it for anything!!! I love it so so much.

Hanako: just found it recently actually!!! Right after episode 1 aired. I saw the anime’s art style and was immediately enraptured. Decided I would watch it even if the story ended up sucking bc the art was so gorgeous (and hanako’s seiyuu is megumi ogata). TURNS OUT I love aidairo’s art style even more than the anime’s (but they’re both amazing don’t get me wrong) also the story is SSOOO GREAT AND THE CHARACTERS ARE AWESOME SO I WAS IN FOR SUCH A TREAT. I’m so lucky....

✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?

TUC: there are honestly so many things I love about TUC. The characters are so lovable and dynamic. The plot is engaging and paced well. The story integrates lots of dark, important and deep themes while also being innocent enough to be marketed as a children’s book. You WILL be shocked at how dark it gets, I will just let u know. It’s so memorable and really leaves a unique feeling in your mind. The ending is one that I can never quite forget. But I think it really ended perfectly for the point it was trying to get across. (As painful as it is.) I could go on and on. I love the blurred line between “good” and “evil” and the very ambiguous characters on each side. Who is the REAL villain of TUc? Well I have my own theories, but you’ll just have to read it and find out for yourself. (Also, I love the progression of Gregor and Luxa’s relationship. It is so sweet and soft and pure and very comforting for me, and has been since I read the books when I was 10. ;W; ❤️)

Hanako: (I was first drawn to this series by the art, so I gotta just say that I am OBSESSED with aidairo’s art style.)

But I stayed for characters I absolutely adore, (all of the main four are my kids and I would do anything for them), and a really fun plot full of wacky hijinks, some time travel, fun comedy. And of course, (my favorite), an overlying plot of darkness, murder, and tragedy. I love the mystery of hanako and his past. The way they tease u with little hints and set up foreshadowing of future chapters and revelations is just //chef’s kiss// I love the way comedy is integrated through the story, so while it gets progressively darker, you can still have brief moments of reprieve and humor. Overall I find myself tearing up in one way or another almost every chapter. It really hits hard, honestly.

🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

God I’ve got so many favorites I don’t even know how to choose. Also a lot of them are spoilers. So I’ll just try to pick moments from early on (like book 1 of tuc) to minimize that

TUC: Luxa’s entrance scene. Including getting out-smarted by a 2 year old.

When Luxa drinks the root beer “weapon”

Every instance of Gregor taunting Henry and Luxa. (I love him so much? He’s so realistic. I love that he has such a gentle heart but he WILL NOT let u mess with his friends and family. He can and will snark at u with deadly precision)

Honestly like every scene with Luxa in it. Luxa and Gregor slowly learning more about each other and coming to an understanding of each other’s differences? I.... love them so much ;;;

Speaking of, the scene where Luxa opens up about her trauma and Gregor thinks “he forgave her for everything in that moment. He even forgot why he needed to forgive her.” Why is he such a good boy? Anyway I’d do anything for them,

Hanako: hhdndndndmndhd like every moment? Uhhhh I love all of the moments when Hanako opens up about himself/his feelings. We need more of them.

Can’t say that one bc spoilers.... OR THAT ONE.... OKAY I GIVE UP JUST READ THE MANGA PLEASE

Also I love... hananene so like all their interactions make me tear up.

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

TUC: I have SO MANY headcanons. But I’ll stick to a few. I love African American Gregor. I’ve also seen mixed race hcs for Gregor which are great too. Also Luxa has ADHD. I’m certain of this but I forgot what made me so certain. Just trust me on this tho

Hanako: My autistic Hanako hc is so important to me omg.... like I would go down with this hc

I have LOTS of headcanons ttho. About random things like Gregor’s amateur family band, Luxa’s hatred of airplanes, all Gregor’s overland friends infuriating Luxa with Rick rolls, and more

💎 are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

A lot of the ones I can think of have spoilers so I might skip out DJDNDNNDNCJC BUT

TUC: Luxa’s name comes from the word “lux” meaning “light” which is so coincidental bc she’s the light of my life. (Yeah I’ve made this joke like 20 times but it still hits for real)

Bats run into each other a lot, also, so u can just imagine Gregor and friends constantly crashing into other bats.

I lowkey wanted to call Chillie (stray cat I’m feeding) “ripred” but Chillie doesn’t have a very ripred-like personality tbh. I one day wanna have cats named Ripred and Twitchtip

Hanako: I can’t really think of any off the top of my head that aren’t spoilers IM SORRY. But my friend and I did come up with a whole warrior cats AU for hanako-kun so there’s a fun fact for u. Yeah we’re the most valid tbh

#spoilers #just in case!!!!#shrike shrieks #ask shrikey #ask games #thank u udonnn this saved me while i was on the plane

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itsclydebitches · 5 years

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RWBY Recaps: Vol. 5 Rest and Resolutions + Alone Together

This is a re-posting from December 8th, 2017 in an effort to get all my recaps fully on tumblr. Thanks!

Hello, everyone! I apologize for the two week gap between reviews. Academia caught up with me in the worst way possible, but that is behind us now, hallelujah. There's a lot to cover in our last two episodes, so let's dive straight in.

First off, Ozpin is the Wizard theory confirmed.

We all knew it was coming, but it's still nice to finally have validation for that idea. Often times writers will deliberately askew what the viewers expect to happen in a failed attempt at originality (see Sherlock's season 3 premiere), but if you've planted the hints there's every reason to follow through with them. In true RWBY fashion though, this information leads to even more questions. I'm particularly interested in this balance between history and storytelling. That is, the version of Ozpin-as-Wizard that we hear about is explicitly a fairy tale and we all know that time has a tendency to twist events, especially when people begin to view them as just old wive's tales, rather than actual truth. All we really know is that Ozpin indeed gave much of his power to four girls, creating the original Maidens. However:

Did he really isolate himself like the story says? Honestly, if I'd been dealing with all Ozpin's shit I'd probably hide in the woods too.

How soon after receiving the curse did all this go down?

Depending on that timing, did Ozpin have reincarnations before he was the Wizard? Or is that his original form? A lot of fans still assume that he was also the King of Vale, though where that fits into the timeline is a little unclear.

Did Ozpin know at the time that his magic was finite? Or was this the event that clued him in?

Did he give the four women magic in a deliberate attempt to stop Salem? Or, like the story implies, was there a broader reason, the desire to give these women the power to continue spreading hope? That would certainly fit with the show's "honest soul" theme (and perhaps an indicator that characters like Ruby have something to teach Ozpin even as he teaches them, just as the original Maidens did).

Are the Maidens' powers connected to their original gifts? Winter is the Maiden of creation and encouraged Ozpin to meditate and reflect. Summer is destruction and, interestingly, told Ozpin to "step outside and embrace the world." Spring brought food and flowers to revitalize his garden and is the Maiden of knowledge, while Fall is choice and reminded Ozpin to be thankful for what he has. I can see some similarities among all that...

We might not ever get answers to questions like these. Unlike other fantasy series, RWBY is rather restricted by its medium--you can't spend page after page explaining nuanced world building as you would in a novel; we've only got about fifteen minutes max each episode and plenty of more important issues to tackle first. Still, it's something.

Besides that confirmation, "Rest and Resolutions" really lives up to its name. We have all the kids enjoying a happy meal together, with only Oscar noticeably absent. (I know, I know, he's housing Ozpin's soul and Ozpin needs to have Important Conversations with Qrow about the missing huntsmen, but let the kid hang out a bit with people closer to his age, yeah?) Much of this volume has been recap of one form or another, so as to make sure that each character is caught up on what everyone else has been doing and are aware of the information that others/the viewer already knows about. Ruby and co.'s conversation works similarly, only these callbacks are meant to induce a sense of nostalgia rather than act as firm plot foundation.

Jaune recounts "loosing" the map on their travels. Jaune. You literally threw it away when you realized that an entire town had been besieged by grimm. Like, I get that losing their map isn't great, but at least the guy is really invested in the welfare of others?

(cough--comforting Pyrrha instead of watching the door--cough)

(It's actually a personality "flaw" that, as we've seen twice now, can cause some serious consequences.)

The kids take turn complimenting one another (aww) and Ruby says that Ren was "out of control" during the fight against the Nuckelavee. I've seen a few autistic!Ren headcanons over the years and this perhaps can be read as evidence to support that. Ren drastically misreads the tone and intention of Ruby's comment, apologizing quite sincerely for his behavior and personal investment in that fight. It's only when Ruby clarifies that she meant it as a compliment that Ren understands... and thanks her. There's a lot of acceptance and support in this moment.

Weiss alludes to summoning her boar during the party (Ruby: "You did not!") and when Nora doesn't believe her Weiss summons the boar right next to her, startling the hell out of poor Nora. This really shows how much Weiss has improved. There's no hesitation, no need to concentrate--she just summons it up with pure ease right in the middle of a conversation.

I was actually rather surprised by Nora's reaction. Yeah, the jump scare was played for humor, but that combined with her horror at Yang detaching her arm... Nora seems a little... skittish to me? I might be reading too much into things (I almost certainly am), but between these two moments, the joke about her eating, watching her sneak food last episode... they all read as not so subtle indicators of stress to me. And who can blame the girl.

Other nostalgic moments include our Vol. 1-3 nicknames: Ice Queen and Vomit Boy. The group has a long-overdue acknowledgement of how much they've grown since they were at school, with Ruby in particular delivering the iconic line that she tried to "1v1 a Nevermore on our second day of school." And the Death Stalker, Ruby. God bless this trigger-happy child.

There's also talk of Yang's arm. It did my heart good to see Ruby ooo-ing over the mechanics and Yang looking damn proud of it for once. The arm wrestling contest between her and Nora was, of course, fantastic. Yang's not just embracing this new part of her but actively using it to her advantage... that's exactly where we all knew she'd end up. Can't hold this girl down for long.

Yang: "It's no replacement for the real thing, but I'll make good use of it."

There's a radical tone change once dinner is over and Ozpin rejoins the conversation. Yang is clearly distrustful of him after her talk with Raven (despite the fact that Yang has no reason to trust Raven...) and in true Ozpin style he tries to console her with wisdom and compliments: "Your mother must trust you a great deal" if she told you all that.

Yeah. Sorry, Oz. You know as well as the audience that Raven told those secrets to manipulate her, not because she trusts her. That little strategy fell flat.

Ozpin confirms most of what Raven said though, including that he turned her and Qrow into birds. What Raven of course failed to mention was that they both agreed to the transformation. Whether that agreement was a strong and enthusiastic "Yes!" or the kind of consent that Pyrrha gave--a very complicated scenario with no good choices on the table--is hard to say. My own assumption is that Raven was probably thrilled to be given such a useful power, especially when she intended to turn it against the very community who gave it to her. She only regrets it now that her life hasn't turned out quite as planned. She, like others, is looking to use Ozpin as her scapegoat.

In fact, we're given no explanation for Raven or Yang's anger here. Raven I can conceptualize--she's the type to blame others for her problems--but Yang? What exactly is so horrific about being turned into a kick-ass bird? As Ozpin describes it, this magic allows Qrow and Raven to "see more" and to be "unburdened" in ways that the normal huntsmen or huntress is not. This ability allows them to spy on Salem rather inconspicuously and, as we've seen in the case of Qrow, is useful in terms of keeping track of other people--like your wayward niece who goes off to try and take on the forces of darkness alone. As far as we've been told there's no downside to this ability beyond the fact that Ozpin's magic is finite, but that hardly effects Qrow. He transforms when he chooses, it doesn't seem to cause him any pain, it grants him an ability outside of his bad luck semblance, he already lives in a world where half the population has animal traits... seriously, where's this anger coming from? Just the fact that magic is an unknown to Yang and therefore scary? It's really unclear and frankly worrying considering how much Yang is basing her accusations and demands around that anger.

Because the irony is that Yang demands no more secrets from Ozpin. He insists he doesn't keep secrets from them, just plays certain pieces of information close to the chest, but Yang says 'tomato tomahto’ even though, as we’ve just established, that wasn’t Ozpin’s secret to tell. And it has no repercussions that impact the rest of the group. Certainly not the girl who just showed up. I mean, maybe there is still a downside? They’ll definitely be a real backlash if the kids discover there is some horrific consequence to Qrow and Raven's ability and Ozpin didn’t say anything... but again, that’s not fair to Ozpin. Isn’t anyone going to ask Qrow why he kept this from his family? Or ask Yang why she’s suddenly on the side of the mother who abandoned her and is a known killer? Putting all this on Ozpin is, again, pretty worrying.

Perhaps the most moving moment of the episode though is when Ozpin tells the kids that they can still leave. (Except Oscar of course. This poor kid. He got dragged into this fast and is the only one who's truly stuck with it.) He emphasizes that abstaining from battle is not the same thing as retreat and reminds us that these are just kids and they can't be expected to shoulder it all. No one stands except for Yang... but she's not leaving, just making it clear that whatever Ruby decides to do she'll follow her lead. It re-emphasizes that Ruby isn't just a strategic leader like Jaune is. She's the moral compass of the group. Once Ruby decides to keep fighting--and we know she always will--the rest of her family follows. That’s... not always a good thing though. Everyone needs a reason for fighting this kind of war and I don’t think ‘because Ruby is fighting it too’ is powerful enough to carry them through whatever new hardships they’ll face.

Because you can’t keep the peace for long. We're left with one hell of a cliff-hanger as Emerald, Mercury, Cinder, and Watts approach Raven's camp, the whole gang demanding an audience--or more likely a Maiden. Every fan who cried over the fact that Emerald isn't in the opening finally got to see their fave prepping for a fight and I for one am looking forward to a real battle this Volume. None of the measly stuff we've seen with Blake or in training. For the first time this will, presumably, be Maiden vs. Maiden and I expect something epic.

Luckily the episode airs soon!

Before that though we have the heart-wrenching episode "Alone Together," wherein three fourths of Team RWBY finally get some downtime together. Ruby is up very early due to difficulty sleeping (who can blame her) and she soon realizes that Weiss and Yang are in the same boat. Loved Yang's sisterly "Boop" with her hair (pick that up from Nora, did you?) and Weiss knows her friends well, dumping an unholy amount of sugar into Ruby's coffee to make sure she likes it. "Nice Weiss strikes again!"

I'm quite liking Nice Weiss this Volume. What a step up from Ice Queen.

There's a bit more recapping--Ruby is called out on her priorities. That fact that they're all together at Haven Academy; that's what she can't believe?--before the conversation quickly turns to when they'll see Blake again. We've watched Yang deal rather well with the loss of her arm this past Volume and she kept a comparatively cool head around her mother. This though... this is what's really been festering.

Yang says that Blake "made her choice" and expresses very little interest in seeing her again. Weiss and Ruby are, understandably, shocked. With shaking hands and a flash of red eyes, Yang finally reveals what's truly been holding her back. Not her arm, not Raven, not any anger at Ruby, but the fact that Blake ran from them. Again.

It's an understandable flaw on Blake's part, and it's equally understandable that this would nevertheless frustrate and upset Yang. I love that it's Weiss who helps her see Blake's perspective in all this: that after finally opening up to them, everything she'd feared actually did come to pass. The family she'd found was torn apart. Beacon fell. Adam hurt Yang in the worst possible way. She brought down the metaphorical walls around her heart and the literal walls of Beacon crumbled. As far as Blake is concerned, getting close to others really did bring nothing but misery. It's not logical, but emotions rarely are. Of course she's going to try and get as far away from them as possible after that, as well as return to her parents. It was a move born equally from a desire to protect herself as well as others.

It says a great deal about Yang's maturity that she does understand Blake's perspective rather quickly (even if, interestingly, she can’t understand Ozpin’s. A difference in who she actually cares for). Notably this is done through Weiss' own experiences, her admission that they've all experienced their own versions of loneliness. Yang says she doesn't blame Blake for the decision any longer; she's just upset that Blake hasn't realized yet (as Yang herself has) that things are easier when you stick together. That she, Ruby, and Weiss could have supported Blake through this... and that they need her support too. Yang resolves to be there for Blake just as soon as she's ready. The girl has a wealth of love within her. And yes, a lot of that stems from adopting the role of caretaker early, looking after Ruby as a big sister, but the fact that Yang can separate her current desire to protect her friends from that difficult childhood is huge. She knows how trauma has shaped her and she's prepared to make the best of it.

Ruby finally does check up on them and lets out a heartfelt sigh. Everything's okay.

Now, I'll be real interested to see if Yang's shaking lessens after she's reconciled with Blake...

Meanwhile, there's Ilia. And you all know what I'm going to discuss here.

There's a lot to say about her meeting with Blake--the well-played betrayal; our look at how Blake might end up in Mistral; the introduction of a very cool spider faunus; Ilia's speech about how there's no right or wrong, no innocents, just doing "what's best for us" that reminded me strongly of Roman's own speech--but for now, especially given how long this review already is, I want to focus in on her sexuality.

(FYI what I have below was originally written as a separate post, so apologies for the repetition.)

In the past week I've seen numerous complaints about how the fandom is “whining” about finally getting what they want. I’m one of the “whiners,” and this, to be frank, is not what I asked for.

Let’s start with the acknowledgment that yes, no matter who Rooster Teeth chose as their first LBGTQIA character, some people were going to be disappointed. Either because the choice doesn’t fit their ship or because of the dichotomy we’re seeing now: the Good vs. Evil gay character divide. It’s a simple disagreement on the surface that nevertheless houses a lot of important questions and concerns: should you make your gay character one of the Good Guys in order provide positive representation, or should you make them one of the Bad Guys in order to provide diverse representation? Do you send the message that being gay is wonderful by associating it with the heroes, or something that’s natural by associating it with the villains--making a statement that anyone can be LGBTQIA, not just the ones you’re rooting for?

The answer to this dilemma is that you do both. You provide variety in order to likewise provide true, diverse representation. However, the reality is that we haven’t reached a point in most media where you get lots and lots of gay characters to provide lots and lots of diversity… so therefore I feel rather strongly that the first character should be a positive portrayal.

Why? Because we’re not living in a positive world. Because we’re still a part of societies where LGBTQIA people are ridiculed, discriminated, and murdered. Because the idea that it’s not just okay, but fantastic to be gay is FAR from universal.

Because we have a very long, awful history of villains associated with gay stereotypes. Because there’s literally a Psycho Lesbian trope with plenty of examples to choose from. Because we don’t live in a culture where you can casually throw out ‘gay’ + ‘bad guy’ and expect your audience to separate the two critically.

Which brings me back to Ilia.

For all these reasons I was truly disappointed to see that she was our first LBGTQIA character. Out of a wealth of women in this show who love each other in healthy and nuanced ways, they were all bypassed for a character who is currently one of the Bad Guys.

Is Ilia pure evil? Of course not. I’ve mentioned previously about how much we see her struggling with her choices, but she’s currently not on a good path either. More importantly, the way her sexuality is revealed does nothing but position it badly. Let’s break that scene down just a bit. The first LGBTQIA content we’re given is:

A woman who is working for an extremist group that in turn is working for the Big Bad

Ilia reveals her sexuality after having her henchmen abuse Blake, attacking her, forcing her onto her knees, and announcing that they’re currently attempting to murder her parents

Ilia says that she wanted Blake to look at her like she once looked at Adam, intentionally or not drawing parallels between her love and Blake’s abuse

She positions her sexuality as at least partly a justification for her actions. Illia is subtly blaming Blake: if you’d paid more attention to me, maybe none of this would have happened. It actively positions all this horror as at least partly a consequence of same sex attraction

Does all of this craft a rather complex, LGBTQIA character? Absolutely, but it’s also one that left a rather sour taste in my mouth. Overt, same-sex attraction is still so rare in our media and frankly I’m sick of it. I’m sick of vague comments, queer baiting, or promises of something “coming later.” I’m equally sick of burying our gays and having same-sex attraction presented as something that only those who are otherwise sick in their morals would experience. Is it so much to ask for something reaffirming in a series that keeps growing in popularity and influence?

Will there be more LGBTQIA characters in RWBY? I assume so, I hope so, but for now all we have is Ilia. A character who, I’d also like to point out, we barely know. I’m sure she’s lots of fans’ fave, but I for one have little interest in this side character… and her position as a side character makes me nervous for her survival. Her sexuality only compounds that.

Rooster Teeth had a huge opportunity here. LGBTQIA viewers have waited five years to see someone like them in this series and it could have been a really magnificent reveal. It could have been Yang realizing her feelings as she worked through her anger at Blake. Or Weiss realizing hers for Yang as they get closer this Volume. Or Ruby for Weiss. Or Weiss for Blake. Hell, give us a throwaway line about Port and Oobleck being happy husbands, or let Ren be pan, or let Oz admit to same-sex attraction after having lived thousands of years…. I don’t care. I’ll take any ship wars that develop as a consequence. All I wanted was to see a character I know and love embracing their sexuality in a way that reaffirmed how proud I am of my own.

Instead it’s Ilia, admitting feelings for Blake while she plots to kill her parents. While she hurts her and betrays her. Sorry if I find that a little difficult to watch. Sorry if I need to “whine” about it just a bit.

So yes. Needless to say I'm disappointed. After that I couldn't really appreciate Ghira's transformation and concern for his wife, or Kali's badass, "Get out of my house!" As said, the whole scene with Ilia left a bad taste in my mouth. I know Rooster Teeth can do better.

Hopefully we do get better. Preferably soon. This is the perfect, filler kind of Volume to set up more characterization, including queer sexualities, and we've got four more episodes until the hiatus.

Tick, tock, RT.

Other Details of Note

Nora, what exactly happened with you and that punch?

I liked the gears on the wall clock. Which begs the question: where did this house come from? Is it a safe place that Ozpin had set up long before Beacon's fall?

They ate ALL that food. Everything they'd prepared while expecting who knows how many huntsmen/huntresses. Never underestimate the appetites of a group of teenagers.

James and Glynda get mentioned this volume! Everyone rejoice! Now if only we got to see them on screen...

Nora exclaiming about how Qrow and Raven are named after birds was pretty hilarious. It's not like we weren't already thinking it. Despite all the jokes on tumblr though, there's no way Ozpin chose those forms specifically because of the Branwens' names. If anything, this seems to act as evidence that a person's semblance/abilities draws on their personality, rather than the other way around.

There are a number of bird motifs throughout "Alone Together," including our opening shot of Ruby watching them fly overhead and a pair of carved ducks on display in the bedroom where Yang and Weiss chat. It's a nice nod to one of this Volume's major themes. (Or, if we buy into this headcanon that this place is a safe house purchased specifically for Qrow, then Ozpin needs to get called out on his on-the-nose decorating lol).

Yang staring at the team photo hurt in so many ways. Excellent touch there.

We have that acknowledged parallel between Weiss and Ruby, in which Yang (and the audience) expects it to be Ruby knocking on the door, trying to talk. The difference is that now, months later, Yang is actually in a position to open up to someone and that someone is Weiss, now just as much a sister to Yang as Ruby is.

Confirmation that Weiss' mom is an alcoholic. We knew that was coming too...but still. Yikes.

Yang cries! Let all the children keep crying! It's good and natural!

There's a "nocturnal section" of Menagerie. Of course there is. God I can't believe I didn't think of that.

Ilia can completely blend in with the shadows. It's official now: all Volume 1-3's shadow people are just really, really shy chameleon faunuses. Spread the word.

That blow Blake took seemed to hit her pretty hard. Kind of like how Oscar staggered when he got hit without his aura... could Blake really trust Ilia enough to attend this meeting without proper protection? She might, which makes Ilia's betrayal all the worse. In the episode where Yang talks of letting Blake support and be supported by others, she was finally willing to do that with an old friend. Obviously having that backfire won't help Blake to open up any further.

GIF credit: http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/841077-rwby

#rwby #mymetas #RWBY Recaps

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golden-witch · 6 years

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Rosa, Rosa, why are you such an idiot?

Hey! I wrote up a long character analysis of Rosa for fun. I hope you enjoy it.

[Read the full post under read more]

The narration mentions in Episode 2 that Rosa still feels like a child because she can’t accept and overcome her trauma which makes her an incapable mother. The banquet scene during the Tea Party has always been one of my favorite scenes in Umineko for its more somber aspects, something both the manga and the anime neglect in order to focus more on the horror themes. I’ll link it here because it’s the most important point of consideration when analyzing Rosa’s character. It certainly leaves an impression of what her childhood was like.

Some people were surprised to learn that Krauss and Eva were full fledged adults when they abused Rosa. If Eva and Krauss are in their 50’s and Rosa is In her early 30’s, that puts about a 20 year age difference between them! This isn't a case of sibling rivalry such as Eva vs. Krauss-- this is the abuse of a child by her adult siblings. We don't know the exact numbers, but we can assume Rosa is closer in age to the cousins than her eldest brother and sister. They suggest this several times in the story when Battler notes her odd position in the family. Rosa is treated as neither an adult nor child and is continuously forced out of conversations with her siblings. (Think of the scene in episode 2 where Kyrie manipulates Rosa to leave the room by gently reminding her that she's left Maria outside.) She acts submissively towards them and follows their guidance. This is likely why 12 year old Battler got the impression that she was “sweet”.

There's also the issue of her parents, who we can assume were neglectful if not equally abusive. I would imagine Kinzo would want as little to do with her as possible; he would have little incentive to raise her as she was a girl and because he was already committed to Beatrice II (who grew up alongside her). Rosa’s relationship with her mother is suggested to be strained (when Rosa talks about running away from home because she did badly on an exam), and I think-- as is the case with the other adults-- that she doesn’t remember the woman fondly.

The way Rosa behaves supports my impression that she grew up in a household where she was undervalued. It’s reasonable to assume she threw herself at the first man who treated her with the slightest bit of compassion and who offered her an opportunity to leave Rokkenjima. His character ended up being flimsy, but someone of Rosa’s background wouldn’t be able to notice the warning signs of abandonment. Rosa believes he left because of her pregnancy, but you could make the argument that he purposefully conned her and dumped her once he had the money Kinzo lent him. Having never been wanted before, Rosa would accept his behavior to feel desirable.

The relationship Rosa had with Maria’s father is one of two romantic relationships mentioned in the story, the other being her fling with the married man in Maria’s book (classy). I don’t know how accurately I can say this reflects all of her romantic endeavors, but we do know that Maria never makes note of any men who might have come in and out of her life. It seems that Rosa doesn’t bring her lovers home out of fear they will leave her due to Maria (as she believes her ex did), so I think the relationships were very shallow. Bringing a boyfriend or girlfriend home with her would have been a step in deepening their bond, but Rosa pushes them away perhaps out of fear they will one day leave her (#abandonment issues). She is in favor of short-term romances with a low level of commitment. This is why I can’t stand when people try to argue that the scene of Rosa in bed with her lover in episode 4 is just “Ange’s fabrication”! Everything about Rosa screams that was the truth of the situation.

“So Rosa sacrifices her time to have passionate one-night stands with guys she doesn’t even care about?” Sort of-- she feeds off of the attention they give her. It’s not very important who her lovers are so long as they acknowledge her as her family did not. She craves the external validation she was denied in childhood. There’s also something to be said about sex as a means of claiming adulthood. I can totally see why someone so insecure of their maturity would go so far.

I could talk a lot about what I make of Rosa’s relationship with other adults. If you want to discuss that further, totally send me an ask, but I’d like to dedicate the later half of the analysis to Maria. This is where I have to give a major content warning for discussions of violent child abuse.

The story alludes strongly to the idea that Maria is most likely on the autism spectrum. I don’t know if it’s canon, but after hearing from autistic fans that Maria resembles their experiences, I feel comfortable saying that she’s neurodivergent. It’s not my place and not within the scope of this essay to make claims about Maria’s mental health, but we should take into account how her behavior affects her relationship with her mother. Nothing Maria does is “abnormal” for a child (I would argue there are no abnormal children); Rambler once answered an ask about a “what if” scenario where Maria was neurotypical and gave the answer that it probably wouldn’t matter in terms of Rosa abusing her. Rosa vents her anger towards Maria. It doesn’t matter if she is a “problem child” or not.

Maria is continuously said to be different from her peers, and differences breed scorn. Rosa wants Maria to be “normally” behaved so she will be acknowledged as a good parent and an adult. Kids are seen as reflections of their parents, and she sees Maria as a threat to her reputation-- especially in front of her siblings, who openly mock her. Ironically, Rosa plays into this expectation; she was considered incompetent as a child and incompetent as an adult. She wants to defy that expectation so badly that she ends up beating her child. It’s a cycle she puts no effort into breaking. For that she should be seen as a deplorable character and an abuser. I believe Ryukishi wanted it to be obvious that Rosa is a neglectful and irresponsible, sometimes violent mother.

Let’s break down their relationship.

Rosa-- at her heart-- cares about Maria’s wellbeing. She acknowledges she should have been a more accepting mother and recognizes that her actions were wrong-- Most notably in episode 8 in the Golden Land. Unfortunately, she is only able to consider mending her relationship with Maria in retrospect since she is, of course, at that point dead. I believe this indicates that she had the capacity to change her behavior, and it a better universe, she would be able to become a good parent. This is all hypothetical, though there is enough in the story to hint that this was a strong possibility had Sayo not given up on the family. If only someone had intervened successfully…

Ryu also wants us to consider that Rosa is protective of Maria against outside threats. He refers to her as both a mother bear and a mother wolf who will bear fangs when her child is in danger. The story supports this in episode 2 when Rosa fights to protect her daughter from the goats. On the contrary, it is suggested that Rosa’s abuse of Maria stems from how others interpret Maria’s behavior. I don’t really understand how Rosa can both be “protective” of Maria and brutal towards her daughter depending on external threats. I think this is supposed to be further evidence (intentional or not) that Rosa is unbalanced and acts inconsistently.

It was exceedingly difficult for Rosa to manage raising a child. Her polarizing behavior was what led Maria to come up with the “white witch/black witch” concept since a child couldn’t make sense of something so complex. Rosa explains during episode 2 that she often spoiled Maria, and this is seen in episode 4 when she takes Maria out for dessert at a restaurant she can’t afford. This is exemplary of Rosa’s genuine feelings of affection for Maria which she is at a loss for ways to convey. A girl who grew up rich and neglected may see objects as a means to soothe wounds. Her lingering guilt causes her to feed into Maria’s material wants without considering her emotional needs. She overcompensates with gifts. Maria would cry and demand presents, and Rosa would either buy into it to satisfy her or beat her into submission. Neither of these are good parenting!

The reason why CPS is notified about Rosa’s behavior has to do with parental neglect; Rosa left Maria by herself for too long for too many times. We know from Maria’s diary that Rosa was often absent and used the excuse that she was working late into the night and for days at a time, and we know of one instance where Rosa lied and instead went on vacation. However, we can’t say that Rosa was always on vacation when she left Maria alone. I personally believe that Rosa would engage in some unhealthy working habits to offset the cost of her frivolous lifestyle.

More headcanons that I have are that these bursts in irregular behavior for Rosa happened clustered together. Basically, Rosa would irresponsibly work for multiple days straight and then impulsively abandon her daughter to go on vacations in a predictable pattern. I believe Rosa suffers from bipolar II-- the sort of self-sabotaging behavior she engages in is evidence. She wants her business to succeed, but risks its stability. She wants to be a good mother, but she abuses Maria. Her sudden fits of rage and violent mood swings could be connected to this because it's a common symptom for those with mood disorders. I don't think it's out of the question to say that she was suffering from a manic episode during the period Maria writes about in her journal. This isn't to say that people with bipolar II are abusers, I'm just suggesting some of her behavior can be explained this way. This comes from my own experiences and observations, so please don’t take my word for it. I’m just offering up an interpretation.

Anyway, if you want to hear more about Rosa as an abuser, and why she’s responsible for her actions, check it out here!

#my posts #analysis #Rosa Ushiromiya #umineko #Umineko no Naku Koro ni

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orrtala · 7 years

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Post-season 1 mini-analysis of the characters

It's a liveblog! I only finished season one, please no spoilers in the comments/reblogs!

I won’t be going into details here; the proper character and relationships analyses will be written after S2. But, since few people did want to see my opinion about character after S1, and to help collect my thoughts, here’s this little thing.

I’m going with alphabetic order cause why not.

Hunk

First impression: Please tell me he’s not going to be that fat best friend comic relief. He definitely lives up to his name (nickname?) though.

Actually: Sweetheart genius pun-making big beautiful yellow child. Team’s tank and support. Had a really nice character arc. Gut feeling power. Great chef and mechanic. Anxious and nervous, but also strong and ready to be here when needed by space family and Zarkon’s victims.

I don’t really know that much about him? Nothing about his parents, potential siblings, etc. Heck, I don’t even know if “Hunk” is actually his name! DreamWorks I demand justice, give me his backstory! His family, how did he become friends with Lance, just give me something!

At first he was a cowardly lion (…pun not entirely intended,) and didn’t really have a motivation for being a Paladin except, you know, the whole “universe will be destroyed if I won’t do something” thing. But once the things are calm (before the storm) and Pidge wants to leave the team he expresses a desire to leave as well. So he gets an arc. First of all he gets motivation to save Lance, which is personal to him. Then gets to meet Shay, learns how life looks like on the Balmera, what does it mean to live under Zarkon’s rule. And only then it also gets personal for him. Basically if you want this guy’s help you need to shove the rightful issue right under his nose. And boy, the help he delivers. I’m so proud. Hunk used to be an engineer back at the Garrison; he’s quite knowledgeable when it comes to technology. In addition he’s a good cook, so let’s hope Paladins won’t have to deal with green goo all the time in the future. I’m not exactly sure what writers are planning to do with him in a future, since he does have a motivation and means to continue being a Paladin. The continuation of his arc, I think, will need some big event that will result in things for him to overcome. What it’s going to be? No clue right now. On an ending note: he loves puns. And I don’t think there’s a faster way to worm into my heart than being a pun lover.

Katie “Pidge” Holt

First impression: Okay, so is that a boy or a girl? What kind of name is Pidge? Ah, apparently a guy. A guy that gets angry when Kerberos mission is involved. Hmmmm.

Actually: Poor kid who lost half of her family and is determined to get them back no matter what. A genius, a nice kid, MVP who almost single-handedly managed to save the Castle, the Lions, and her space family.

The character with most known background; we know her family, we know that her father and brother were taken by Galra, we know she has a dog, we know her full name, we got some flashbacks about her life for a last year, when she wanted to find out the truth about her missing family. It’s also implied that while she’s a prodigy two captured Holts apparently were also good enough to be chosen for Kerberos mission. Must be genes.

Pidge might be a prodigy, but is also a little kid who just wants to get her father and brother back. An awkward kid, who rambles when she gets nervous and overthinks things, and, similiary to Keith has a little problem with handling other people. At first solely motivated by rescuing her family “I’m not here to make friends” Pidge initially refuses Lance and Hunk’s friendship at the Garrison, but they got through to her, at least partially. When she wants to leave she’s stopped by Lance getting hurt and decides to stay after seeing how much the team (and by extension the universe) needs her and because she actually cares about her new family. As the season went on she got close to Shiro and Hunk, finding a support in them, just like she had with her family back home. She trusts all six of them and they trust and respect her in turn. The future? Working with Voltron and saving all of them multiple times. Won’t stop searching for her family until she finds them.

Keith

First impression: What is mullet. Why does this kid look like Shadow the Human. He’s going to be one of these edgy kids, isn’t he, he has motorcycle and everything. Also he looks too similiar to Lance from Sym-Bionic Titan, let’s hope I won’t have any problem with mixing their names, that would be awkward.

Actually: My poor isolated red kid not used to relying on others. Good instincs, good fighter, bad at socializing, touch-starved, probably autistic. Survivalist who doesn’t really think much of his safety and is ready to be sacrificial when he thinks the situation calls for it.

His background isn’t explored, but I’m pretty sure it was purposeful. He lives alone in a shack after being thrown out of the Garrison and knew Shiro. Most probably an orphan (or at the very least his parents/one of the parents disappeared and we’ll know more about it later). Too many hints made me believe he’s part Galra. And perhaps even has some space magicks?

The right arm, a pilot prodigy, sadly didn’t get an arc yet. If I’d have to guess it will tie-in with his heritage (*cough*Galra Keith*cough*) and finding answers about who he is. He’s not… great with people; he can’t understand some jokes, he yells at Pidge instead of properly reasoning with her in a calm when she wants to leave, and while he’s not bad at coming up with plans, he usually carries them out alone (though he does have his moments of being Shiro’s substitute when he’s indisposed like in the “Return of the Gladiator”, he is a lancer of the team after all.) Dude lived on a desert for a year and was somehow fine with, I presume, very minimal human contact. Self-sufficient person who now has to learn to work with others. And he tries! …Sometimes. One of the things that confuses me about him is his sword training. Where exactly did he get it? He was being trained for pilot in the Garrison, I doubt they thought he needed such practice. Another thing to add to his secret past? I guess so. From what I’ve seen Keith is a person who relies mostly on his instincts and feelings. Once he sets his mind on something he’s going to do it, unless you’ll give him a good reason (good enough for him) to act differently. He does spend at least a few months in the shack, searching for the source of some energy connected to Blue Lion. And he can’t even explain why he does it. However he is thorough with his search, as his cork board has shown. Has an eye for detail and at times can be inquiring. Knows his faults (when Lance calls him out on the actual mistake on his part he backpedals and agrees,) tries to focus on a bigger picture (Voltron vs Allura in the finale, Pidge leaving the team,) ready to sacrifice himself if he thinks the situation calls for it (stalling Zarkon in the finale.) He is loyal to his team, frequently tries to bond with them despite being a loner (pretty much every free time he spends with a team he’s smiling,) and his actions are focused on helping others and, by extension, saving the universe.

Lance

First impression: An embodiment of DreamWorks Eyebrow™, full of false over-confidence, ruins everything with his actions and- did he just protect his teammate and then took the Sergeant Drill Nasty’s ire on himself and was reminded that he wasn’t supposed to be there? Ohkaaaaay. Also really, really pointy chin.

Actually: Child with self-confidence issues, trusts easily, everyone’s friend (unless you’re Keith and only at the beginning, they’re good-ish now!) team’s heart, relies on his eyesight a lot, self-proclaimed laaaaaaadies man. Probably a hipster.

He’s a Cuban with a family he misses very much. We even get a look at them during the mind-melding scene. Tried to be a fighter pilot and only became one after Keith dropped out.

Ah, Lance. Kid doesn’t really know who he is. I mean, if I was compared to Keith so much and then started to compare myself to him too I’d also get confused. His arc, amusingly, is similiar to Keith’s as in it’s also a quest for identity. Except Keith has some knowledge about his abilities and doesn’t feel overshadowed by anyone, but he has no place outside Voltron. Lance meanwhile has a family back on Earth which he dearly misses, but doesn’t know who he is in a team, can’t recognize his talents. And here’s a thing: not only he’s confused, the audience is supposed to be confused too. It’s really weird how these little things point Lance into different directions, when, ultimately (I think,) he’s Blue Paladin. He likes people, he likes paying attention to them, he’s perceptive, observes their reactions. Easily befriends everyone, even when they refuse his friendship (Pidge.) The only exception being Keith, though before S1 ended they became friend-ish despite initial petty hostility (but didn’t really have that much problem with working with him when the situation calls for it from the very beginning - they did carry Shiro out of the tent together after all.) It’s not a coicidence that he’s a person who gets to interact with everyone first - with a sole exception of Shiro, though even their handshake was a focus for few moments. He’s a team player, something that Pidge considers a dangerous trait. I think the moment that showed best how important and valuable he was to the team when he was out of commision. Literally right after he leaves the party Allura learns that Pidge wants to leave Voltron and can not be deterred by anyone else. The fake Rover blows up, he saves the life of a guy he only just met, and everyone are suddenly working together cause Lance is injured he needs a pod, they need a crystal, Pidge doesn’t even hesitate at offering help, and essentialy it’s a Voltron’s darkest hour so far. He’s a heart, he’s a glue to a team. I don’t really want to think what would happen if he got seperated from space family for a long time; nobody would handle it well.

Takashi “Shiro” Shirogane

First impression: Protagonist’s voice. Also nice eyeliner, man! … …Oh no, poor guy.

Actually: Poor guy. Taken by aliens, forced to fight in the arena, has been experimented on, developed PTSD. And yet despite his experiences he’s a good man with a sense of morality. Deep-rooted issues about him being a Paladin and protector of all these children. Doesn’t fear death, not anymore.

We know his full name. We know he is a great pilot, he can be seen wearing a medal, good enough to be chosen for Kerberos mission. Captured by Galra he essentially lost a year of his life and forgot most of it, only recalling bits and pieces. There are no hints about his family and he didn’t think about them when Paladins were looking into each other’s headholes. Could it be that he doesn’t really have anyone? Might be an extra reason how ge got along with Keith pre-show.

Shiro’s a perfectionist, who tries not let others know about his problems, but is ready to solve everybody else’s. And, sadly, he’s not handling his issues very well, choosing to internalize them instead of talking about them to somebody. It makes sense though, not only he tries to look as a steady figure who’s always in control of his actions, not when these kids rely and look up to him, but also when you consider the nature of his troubles. After a year spent fighting, being experimented on, losing his arm, having his appearence changed (and now I’m imagining how he must have felt when he finally looked into mirror and saw all the scars for the first time brain stop please) he’s not sure who he is anymore. And to add to that he doesn’t know what exactly he did during that year. Who knows, maybe he commited monstrosities for the sake of survival and he just doesn’t remember it? Is he enough to be a Black Paladin? He has PTSD, isn’t that a good trait for a leader. And what could they even say if he did spill his problems to them? They wouldn’t even know how to help him, right? Or worse, Sendak was right all along and they actually don’t need him. Despite his inner turmoils Shiro tries, and tries to be a good leader and wants his new family to survive the war, and for the most part he succeeds! He comes up with good plans on a fly, he knows when teammate’s ability is needed, he’s charismatic, he has commanding presence, he helps others and is always willing to listen to them. The only times I can think of that his ideas weren’t that great were a) letting Pidge leave the team and b) I agree that saving Allura was a Right Thing but in the end it did put everyone in danger and if it wasn’t for Thace’s intervention, well… What really gets me when it comes to Shiro, that despite his experiences he’s a good guy. Yeah, I know that all our heroes are the good guys but Shiro? Shiro was put through unspeakable pain and suffering, and yet he has his morals and sticks to them. He’s also the only person who knows how laser guns sounds like. Good on you, Shiro!

Allura

First impression: !!!! She’s so pretty! And will kick your butt. Effortlessly.

Actually: Do you have any idea how much I wish Allura existed when I was a kid? Hands down favorite Disney DreamWorks princess. Headstrong, brave, kind, strong, sad but tries not to show it, lost everything and instead of wallowing in sadness she wants to fight back the best she can.

Her backstory is pretty straightforward: only child of the space elf alien king, her planet and people were destroyed and she spent 10 000 years sleeping. Not much is known about her mother, but I’m gonna go ahead and assume she died before Zarkon turned out evil. Allura remembers her though.

Allura’s not your usual Princess. And I made no secret of how much I love her character. She lost everything thanks to Zarkon: her father, her people, her planet; the only Altean alive besides her is Coran, there are also her pet mice (to whom she is connected, and, uh, I guess it’s a space magicks explanation for her having an animal companions she doesn’t have to sing to; shame, I’d really like to hear her singing,) the Castle and Voltron. That’s it, that’s all she has. Oh, she used to have her father’s AI as a companion but… But… I’m not going to cry again. Our Princess is terrified of the war, but it doesn’t stop her in her quest of not letting Zarkon destroy any more worlds. She’s sad beyond belief, but she puts a smile on her face in front of others. She’s there to have your back, she’s there to fight when she has to, she’s there to save you. Allura has shown on more than one occasion, that she’s ready to die for others (getting captured by Galra so Shiro could be free, healing Balmera though she knew very well it might have cost her her life.) She’s very strong, and very capable in close combat and using her surroundings. …Not much luck with distance weapons. Unless throwing poeple at others can be called figthing at distance. Also she shows promise in using space magicks, and I’m not sure how much it ties to being an Altean, being an Altean royalty, or something else.

Coran

First impression: Nigel Thornberry. A comic relief, bigger than Lance and Hunk.

Actually: Team’s support, probably smarter than everyone else combined, full of pent up anger at Zarkon that we finally got to witness in the season finale. Knowledgeable about many things. Very old, very sad.

Similiary to Allura he lost everything (besides the Princess) after Zarkon destroyed Altea. But I don’t really know the extent of his loss - did he have any family? Spouse, children? Alfor trusted him and Allura apparently was alway close to him. I’d really love to see some kind of backstory episode for this guy, I bet it’d leave us all in tears.

Coran is a tricky case; he’s the least prominent part of the cast, most of the time spent on being a team’s support. And that’s exactly his role, it’s apparently what he was doing most of his life: serving the royal family. First it was Alfor, now it’s Allura. Trustworthy and capable enough to be left with a Princess, a Black Lion, and a quest on flying a Castle to Arus and then freezing himself up as well. That picture above? It’s a first expression he makes, sad, but solemn in his duties. And it last barely a second before starting some background shenanigans with Lance. And since he is an Altean, experienced at that, I don’t think he’d have that much problem with handling down a teenager. He took a look at the situation, saw that Allura isn’t actually in any danger, but just in case presented himself as harmless, so the newcomers would underestimate him. And, I guess, it was also supposed to be audience’s reaction as well: “Oh look, haha, a comic relief.” He actually is a comic relief, but non-offensive, quite astute, with vast knowledge. Treats his duties seriously, and, unsurprisingly, is very protective when it comes to Princess, trying to not let her step right into danger. Also trolls Paladins while trying to teach them something in a process. It’s also suggested that he’s 600 years old (the Castle is 10 600 and Coran’s grandfather took him to see it being built) and while we don’t really know that much about him it’s not out of reach to think he had family on his own before the war. He definitely has paternal instincts towards the Paladins and especially Allura. So yeah, Coran’s there for you whenever you need him, but he’s not going to step into spotlight, rather choosing to help others in achieving their goal.

Tl;dr: I love them all so much.

#hunk #pidge #shiro #lance #keith #not liveblogging #orr blogging #non episode #coran #vld character analysis #allura #questions #voltron #vld #voltron legendary defender #it was supposed to be short what happened #but i did keep it to minimum really #anyway it's done and i can sleep peacefully

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malenkaya-glosoli · 7 years

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Stuff I’m tired of hearing as an autistic person

This is a list of things and variations of things I hear from three family members (who shall remain anonymous, keep in mind that they know I’m autistic) that are offensive to me, even if it’s said in a joking manner but especially if it’s said in frustration or anger, and I hope I NEVER EVER hear any of the following responses from any significant other I may have in future. Some of these things I hear a lot in the situations listed below or otherwise rarely happen or have happened only once so far (Warning: Some of the responses I’ve listed here may be triggering for some people, and a massive trigger warning for occasional use of ableist slurs):

1. Response when I tell someone to go away or leave me alone: “You’re being rude” or “Quit being rude”

2. When I’m rocking in public, I hear this: “Stop doing that” I keep rocking; response to this: “You’re being defiant”

3. Another stim I have is picking at my acne and plucking out my eyebrows and eyelashes. The response: “Stop picking” *they even move my hand away from my face even if i wasnt going to pick at anything. On one occasion they started teasing me about it and they said they would tie my hands and then they all got out their phones and started photographing and videoing it. And we were in public, in the middle of a restaurant, but nobody seemed to notice...*

4. Responses when I get very angry about something or if I try to defend and/or justify my need for alone time or if I continuously keep asking to go home from someplace far away: “You know what, you’re selfish”, “You’re such a homebody”, or “You’re acting like a two year old”

5. Response to when I pace around the kitchen: “Stop pacing”

6. Response to me explaining that me being autistic is the reason why I don’t want to talk and/or why I like to stay alone in one room for hours: “I think you’re just making excuses”

7. Occasional response to when I get out a shirt or pair of shorts that I feel like wearing or if I want to leave the house in a shirt that I’d been wearing for a couple/a few days before: “Oh, uh-uh” or “You look like a slob”

8. Response to me saying “I don’t want to talk” and/or me wanting to go into the bedroom for alone time: “You never want to talk”, “You never want to spend time with us”, “Don’t you want to talk?”, “You always have privacy”, “You’re so antisocial”, “Do you love me anymore?”

9. Response to me trying to tell someone the difference between the words “asocial” and “antisocial” and advising for use of the former: “I don’t care!”

10. Response to me leaving the bedroom for a snack or water or to ask something: “Do we know her?”, “Who are you?”, “*overly dramatic gasp* She’s come out of her hole!”

11. Response to my mostly lifelong inability to tie shoelaces: “Even three year olds can do it”

12. Response to me not being able to see something physically obvious that’s being pointed out to me and the person and their tone of voice is getting more and more frustrated when I keep saying I can’t see the thing: “You’re acting retarded”

13. Response to me rage shouting about something: “Quit acting psycho”

Other stuff: They don’t believe that “I don’t know” or “Nothing” is a valid answer but they let it slide anyway, they keep poking me when I tell them to please not touch me, them (one of them) having a frustrated tone of voice when they tell me to “speak up” if I’m talking too quietly...

EDIT 8-11-17 (Trigger warning for an ableist slur) - A few weeks ago I called my mom’s mom and asked her questions about what she thinks about my autistic traits, autism, and autistic people in general. She said that she sometimes thinks it’s “annoying” when I don’t want to talk to anyone and spend hours alone in the bedroom but she also claimed that she’s been trying to understand me better; she also said that she doesn’t think it’s sad for a person when they get an autism diagnosis. But this turned out to be hypocritical because when I asked her if she thought that there should be a cure for autism, she said yes. I felt very disappointed and even betrayed. But I tried not to let on that I was angry and disappointed and I told her that people like Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson were autistic and that if I weren’t autistic or if there weren’t any such thing as autism, I either wouldn’t exist or I wouldn’t be the same person I am. I asked her again if she really believed that a cure for autism was necessary, and she insisted that it was.

And last night, while I was getting ready for a shower, my mom called me a “retard”, and she kept asking stuff like “why are you being so disrespectful to me, what’s gotten into you lately?”. If you ask me, I’m only defending myself. She wanted me to brush my teeth, but I’d been eating some food and if I brush my teeth before I eat, then it’ll make the food taste bad until it wears off, my sensory problems make it hard for me to deal with that, so for me, it’s only logical and better to not brush my teeth before eating anything. And in the shower she grabbed my wrist pretty hard and she slapped me, but I don’t remember if it was on my face or my shoulder, but I’m pretty sure it was on my shoulder. She apologised later, and the apology was genuinely sincere, but she has similar complaints when I can’t do basic things that most people take for granted. When I was in the shower, she said ”even your five year old cousin can bathe herself.” Said cousin is neurotypical. I was deeply offended.

EDIT 9-7-17: Here’s a hint as to what I’m going through atm. I have been feeling stressed and exhausted and the source of it is not stopping anytime soon. A mix of intentional procrastination and natural executive dysfunction is worsening it, and I don’t dare try to explain the concept of executive dysfunction to my mom because I just know she won’t understand or even care. I once read aloud these posts to her:

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/143950944846/strangelyschizotypal-neurodivergent-people

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150231283186/autisticliving-friendly-reminder-that-its-okay

and in response to the second one she said “no, it’s not okay”, so I’ve learned that it’s better for me to just stop trying with her.

I’ve tried to tell her that there are some things that I’ve accepted that I might never be able to do without help (washing my hair because the feeling and sight of wet, stringy loose strands of hair on my skin and hands/fingers is a mix of scary and disgusting and shaving because I’m too gentle with the razor) or at all (driving because too overwhelming), and when I talked with her about this yesterday she was like “how the h*** can you say that when you haven’t even tried, i don’t accept that, you’re just limiting yourself”. I can’t even describe how enraging and hurtful that was. I already know I’ll never be able to do those things without help or at all because just thinking about them and imagining myself in the driving scenario makes me feel overwhelmed. While I was in the shower she was saying stuff like “you should be doing this stuff yourself already, do you expect me to do this for you the rest of your life?” and i said “no, my husband will have to do it” (i meant future husband, whoever that’ll be) and mom was like “it gets me angry when you say stuff like that”. stuff like that is a common refrain during showers: “you’re seventeen, you should already be doing this”. Why is it like this for me and lots of other autistic people out there? Why is it that as we get older our families usually get more and more frustrated and impatient with us when we still can’t do basic things that most people take for granted instead of just getting used to it and accepting it like we (or at least some of us) have? This is exactly why I feel very strongly that you should NEVER EVER use a person’s age as a reason for why they should or shouldn’t already be doing something that most people can do without help or at all. It’s ableist and invalidating, not to mention emotionally abusive, whether you mean it that way or no. STOP. IT.

Sometimes I want to leave them, but that’s where I feel trapped. I rarely use money as I rarely buy anything alone and I have no wallet, I don’t drive, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t know anyone who I could go stay with, and it’d feel wrong to leave them because it’s my family, the only family I’ve ever really known. I can cook simple meals that are already cooked and only need to be reheated and I rarely use the stove because the hissing noises freak me out and that frustrates mom. My dad is autistic too but if you think he’d understand my inabilities, prepare to be disappointed. He wouldn’t get up and help when I asked him to get some chicken in the oven for me, to the point where a couple times he wouldn’t even respond at all when I asked him to get up and help, which was all i said “Get up and help”. Things have gotten easier in the past year but growing up I never had a really good relationship with him because he would spank and pinch me a lot when I was little, and on two occasions after two upsetting arguments that got physical, the police got involved, although there was never any arrest. He grew up with a dad who abused the entire family and plus he grew up in a place and culture where corporal punishment is seen as discipline, not corporally punishing your child is considered worse than not raising the child properly, it’s considered completely acceptable to spank kids who aren’t yours, and even toddlers aren’t thought of as too young to receive corporal punishment (also that place and culture is VERY openly and devoutly Christian, I have nothing against Christianity and I’m a lot more spiritual than religious but I do believe in God and the whole shebang and I do pray for people, and the culture and place is very homophobic, I’m straight but I’m supportive of LGBT+ people and my favourite couple is a gay couple so when I see any homophobia I still feel hurt and offended). Although the following doesn’t happen often, he does sometimes imply that I need to just stop talking if the person I’m talking to about a certain thing seems disinterested in the subject or has reached their limit, so I can’t say I find much support there. And my mom says that she thinks my autistic friends and I are defiant in the negative way and that we bully people into accepting us and our traits, behaviours, etc. and that I want to be accepted but, as she believes, I won’t accept how others are. Unbelievable.

This is exactly why I wish it were possible for children to be able to pick and choose their families. Because of my troubled relationship with my dad, I started wishing that the couple I mentioned (Jónsi and Alex) could adopt me, even though I knew that would be impossible for multiple reasons, I even wrote a few fantasies about it. But now it’s for another reason: because of the treatment I mentioned. I know that Jónsi and Alex would be awesome dads, if and when they ever choose to adopt a child (they’re not married yet tho), and also because I believe they’d be more understanding, patient, supportive and accepting because they know what it’s like to be different. Also: back in January I got a big crush on Ivar from the show Vikings, and I quickly started work on a modern AU author self insert fanfic about him (I wrote it as an outlet for my crush and my feelings and problems) which, at the time of this update, has 1,149 views and counting, and so far it has five sequels. I quickly discovered that I felt that I could relate to Ivar because:

1. We’re both disabled (I’m autistic, of course, and Ivar was born with his legs deformed)

2. We both feel sad, alone, and mad at the world, I had violent urges when I was younger (even then I knew better than to act on them) and if I’m provoked enough I can get as rageful as Ivar does)

3. We both have to deal with ableism from a relative (the above says it all for me, and Ivar has been emotionally and verbally abused and harassed by his brother Sigurd. He’s dead now because he was abusing Ivar and he mentioned their mother and Ivar just lost his temper and killed Sigurd)

So yeah. Ivar is SUPER angry and violent but he is also sad and he feels alone and unloved. Through my stories I am able to improve his life and love him and I have gained his trust and he always protects me. When I myself am being scolded or whatever, although I understand the difference between fantasy and reality, I silently beg Ivar to help me and sometimes I get teary eyed because it’s impossible, for obvious reason. I’m pretty resilient and I don’t think I’m vulnerable to becoming clinically insane or whatever, it probably depends on the person and how well or not well they’re able to cope with being in this kind of situation, but sometimes I feel like I genuinely want to be with Ivar and I feel like I love him in every way a person can be loved, I can tell from both his canon personality on the show and his fanon personality in my stories that, since he’s lost both of his parents, Ivar would be VERY protecive of anyone he loves, and in my stories, that anyone is me.

If anyone would like to read the story I mentioned, here it is:

https://theeclecticone.deviantart.com/art/Vikings-Modern-AU-fic-Ivar-Finds-Love-661877797

That’s all for now. Again, please feel free to reply, comment, like, and/or reblog.

Posts I’ve reblogged that elaborate on all this (WARNING LONG):

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159857814936/ndgirlfriends-so-to-all-the-girls-who-constantly

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856353686/when-they-say-your-autism-is-not-an-excuse-for

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856337041/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-other-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856320506/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-other-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856301231/sbroxman-autisticquestions-dont-laugh-at-or-mock

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856273001/sbroxman-autisticquestions-sometimes-it-feels

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/158125804696/sbroxman-autisticquestions-that-autistic-problem

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157809830756/cosmicautistic-why-do-people-insist-on-touching

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157808877166/ableist-why-do-you-act-this-way-autistic-person

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157808675211/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-other-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856232176/happy-stimming-is-such-a-nice-thing-to-see-and-it

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159724609526/introvertunites-if-youre-an-introvert-follow

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159668391651/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-the-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/158691542131/on-using-autism-as-an-excuse

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/158691153136/but-how-can-you-knooooow-you-dont-like-the-food

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157784200641/do-people-get-annoyed-by-stimming

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157403112936/trans-mom-stimming-is-normal-stimming-is

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157332198686/sbroxman-autisticquestions-i-hate-it-when-people

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157174323231/autism-problems-2

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156807367896/introvertunites-if-youre-an-introvert-follow

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156718532431

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156505810611/ndgirlfriends-you-dont-deserve-the-invalidation

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156178091191

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156178055291

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156178041551

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156178024041

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156176025301/radsturbate-i-hate-ppl-who-get-personally

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156045245181/rentboy-tony-shout-out-to-people-who-have-a-hard

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156011656186/serenavampire-neurotypical-voice-stop

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934926521/autism-problem-717

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934918486/autism-problem-608

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934909651/autism-problem-637

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934902666/autism-problem-411

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934895996/autism-problem-588

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934884411/autism-problem-584

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934876216/autism-problem-290

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934210941/muted-serendipitybubble-ignorance-isnt-bliss

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155933220616/autism-problem-755

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155931816041

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155925440681/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-other-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155859175671/messatmybest-janeysprings-due-to-sensory

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155859150906/parents-we-need-to-talk

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155689458176/reasons-to-avoid-accusing-someone-of-blaming

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155659677701/digitalufo-autistic-ppl-who-get-flappy-and-bouncy

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155426144511/theconcealedweapon-allistic-person-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155425409931/theconcealedweapon-i-hate-when-people-tell-me

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155425281356/theconcealedweapon-theconcealedweapon

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155425121666/theconcealedweapon-autistic-people-are-too

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155424530461/theconcealedweapon-neurotypical-people-you

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155424322271/theconcealedweapon-allistic-people-its-funny

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154841269766/ladyautie-im-sorry-if-i-didnt-post-anything

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154841055036/ladyautie-keelan-666-seriously-dont

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154727816316/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-everyone

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154721632341/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-anytime

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154655907631/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-people-with-autism

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154647497556/things-to-never-say-to-any-autistic-people

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154645929986/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-other-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154629619396/if-someone-ever-accuses-you-of-blaming-autism

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154629164341/butterflyinthewell-sbroxman-autisticquestions

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154628953381/me-doesnt-talk-person-you-really-need-to

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154594676751/autisticliving-if-a-disabled-person-tell-you-they

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/153636602021/npdfox-not-a-lot-of-people-really-understand-how

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/153636586631/little-autism-things-1

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/153636327551/little-autism-things-84

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/153636274181/little-autism-things-96

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150299063241/another-autism-feel-41

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150299046296/another-autism-feel-3

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150298550331/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-you-have

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150296089161/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-nobody

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150296051946/ladystoneshield-that-autism-feel-when-youre

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152172013261/disabilityhealth-excuses-shouldnt-be-seen-so

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152483526466

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152482579361

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152482495726

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152480786081/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-you-do

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152480760611/autisticliving-that-autism-feel-when-youre

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150220918916/jaunepois-when-you-come-out-of-your-room-and

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/145819797276/runningfromomelas-them-look-at-me-when-im

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/137690666961/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-you-feel

EDIT 9-7-17:

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/165091980636/how-to-hold-back-the-tears-when-youre-being

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164655304111/do-as-youre-told-stimmyabby-sometimes-people

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164192864721/never-trust-a-man-that-agrees-with-anything-trump

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154647497556/things-to-never-say-to-any-autistic-people

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164654794431/vashti-lives-jemthecrystalgem

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/162875121331/spanking-your-children-is-abuse

And here are some excerpts of diary entries I’ve written about my autism and stuff (most are in foreign languages but they have English translations):

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164783034161/%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%87%D0%B8%D0%BD%D1%8A%D1%82-%D0%BF%D0%BE-%D0%BA%D0%BE%D0%B9%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%88%D0%B5%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%BE%D0%B1%D1%89%D0%B5%D1%81%D1%82%D0%B2%D0%BE-%D1%81%D0%B5-%D1%82%D1%80%D0%B5%D1%82%D0%B8%D1%80%D0%B0%D1%82-%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%81

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164782715106/%D1%82%D0%BE%D0%B2%D0%B0-%D0%B5-%D0%BC%D0%BD%D0%BE%D0%B3%D0%BE-%D0%BF%D0%BE-%D0%BB%D0%B5%D1%81%D0%BD%D0%BE-%D0%B8-%D0%BF%D0%BE-%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%B1%D1%80%D0%B5-%D0%B4%D0%B0-%D0%B8%D0%B7%D0%BB%D0%B8%D0%B2%D0%B0%D0%BC-%D1%87%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B7

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164781794476/thuis-is-er-niemand-die-me-begrijpt-niemand

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164781637616/zal-ik-ooit-vind-iemand-die-zullen-begrijpen

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/163547046451/%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%B4%D1%8F%D0%B2%D0%B0%D0%BC-%D1%81%D0%B5-%D1%87%D0%B5-%D0%B5%D0%B2%D0%B5%D0%BD%D1%82%D1%83%D0%B0%D0%BB%D0%BD%D0%BE-%D1%89%D0%B5-%D1%81%D0%B5-%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%BC%D0%B5%D1%80%D1%8F-%D0%B3%D0%B0%D0%B4%D0%B6%D0%B5

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/163547032441/%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%B2%D0%BE%D0%BB%D0%BD%D0%B0-%D1%81%D1%8A%D0%BC-%D1%87%D0%B5-%D0%B8%D0%BC%D0%B0%D0%BC-%D0%BF%D1%80%D0%B8%D1%8F%D1%82%D0%B5%D0%BB%D0%B8-%D0%BA%D0%BE%D0%B8%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%B3%D0%B8

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/163546629581/%D0%BF%D1%80%D0%B8%D0%B5%D0%BC%D0%B0%D0%BD%D0%B5%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%BF%D0%BE%D0%B4%D0%B4%D1%80%D1%8A%D0%B6%D0%BA%D0%B0%D1%82%D0%B0-%D1%83%D1%82%D0%B2%D1%8A%D1%80%D0%B6%D0%B4%D0%B0%D0%B2%D0%B0%D0%BD%D0%B5%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%B8

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/163546363491/terwijl-ik-meer-heb-nagedacht-over-mezelf-en-hoe

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/163158549021/jeg-h%C3%A5ber-at-jeg-vil-m%C3%B8de-nogen-der-vil-v%C3%A6re-den

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/161902733031/postoji-previ%C5%A1e-ljudi-u-svijetu-koji-su-okrutni-i

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160169300336/%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%BD%D0%B5-%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%B3%D0%B8-%D0%B5-%D0%BB%D0%B5%D1%81%D0%BD%D0%BE-%D0%B4%D0%B0-%D1%81%D0%B5-%D0%B1%D1%8A%D0%B4%D0%B0-%D0%B0%D1%83%D1%82%D0%B8%D1%81%D1%82%D0%B8%D1%87%D0%BD%D0%B0-%D0%B7%D0%B0%D1%89%D0%BE-%D1%85%D0%BE

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160167659301/jag-kommer-aldrig-att-f%C3%B6rst%C3%A5-varf%C3%B6r-vissa

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160167270051/zelfs-toen-mijn-gezicht-dwingt-mij-om-met-tegenzin

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160166845626/en-het-is-nooit-fout-om-te-willen-met-rust-gelaten

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160166658026/ik-ben-niet-ego%C3%AFstisch-of-ondankbaar-ik-ben

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160166447661/daar-ik-ben-autistisch-kan-mijn-emoties-zeer

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160166273081/alleen-mijn-vrienden-zijn-bereid-om-mijn-problemen

Please feel free to comment below or add a reply to this post if you want to.

#autism #i know exactly how it feels #stop being ableist #actuallyautistic

152 notes · View notes

writerproblem193 · 7 years

Text

Okay so here’s a long and probably rambling meta on Julian Bashir because I have a lot of opinions and emotions about the genetic engineering plotline and I want to sort them out

if any of you haven’t watched Star Trek: Deep Space Nine then you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about have a great day whoo

Specifically right now I want to ramble about what I feel over his (apparently controversial) “I was actually genetically engineered” plot line.

It’s been the major focus of two episodes so far — Doctor Bashir, I Presume where it was introduced, and a season six episode where he works with other genetically engineered people. I just watched that episode today, it’s the most recent one I’ve watched. After both those episodes, I had to pause watching for a while just to ruminate on the episode. I do love all of Deep Space Nine’s complicated complicatedness.

Honestly, Julian is one of my favourite characters on the show. I’ve tried to describe why before, but it really hit me during an episode ostensibly about Jake Sisko — he was reporting on how Bashir was being a doctor in a war zone and he was having Problem. Anyway, Jake’s great, but there was a little cascade of moments with Julian in the episode that really hit me.

the complete transition from goofy to professional with brushing Jake off when the casualties started coming in

and him sitting on the floor with the other medical personnel after everyone was stitched up and jokingly (and kinda not jokingly) asking Jake to carrying him to the replicator to get something to eat

Because before he’d been totally relatable with his general failure at life. He’s a total dork. His favourite pastime is like, dressing up in furs and reenacting weird history stuff with his best friend. But there’s something else about him, too.

I described it later as “being able to stand on his own, but not having to”.

That’s something that I very much want in my own life. The ability to not need the support from people around me (my mother is flaming hellpit of emotional abuse, that’s gonna be relevant later). When the casualties were flooding in, he knew exactly what he was doing. He was an expert. He didn’t have to rely on anyone. He knew what he was doing.

But then, after, he sat in a pile on the floor with friends and was clearly metaphorically leaning on them too. And again, I wish I had that too. The network of support around me when I need it. That’s not a dig at any of my wonderful friends — I just wish there were more of them, and that they were physically all around me too.

Anyway now that I’ve gotten incredibly personal, time for Doctor Bashir, I Presume?

I have to say that I knew that he was genetically engineered going in, and so I was able to wince at all the hints as it went along, instead of being confused.

Julian had troubles with his parents. For a good reason, it turned out. He legitimately feels like they murdered him, replacing the (implied autistic/developmentally disabled) ‘Jules’ with the person he is now. And that’s a hell of a lot of baggage, alright?

I was uncomfortably feeling with him all through the episode. Here’s a quick bullet list.

when his parents came to see him in Sisko’s office and he had to hug them and make nice and he looked so awfully uncomfortable and Sisko didn’t notice at all and cheerily gave him some time off to have them around

the dinner they had together that was so awful and it was meant to be a little but since my mother is fucking horrible it was hitting way, way too many manipulation and icky buttons with me. The don’t-talk-about-it. The don’t-speak-to-us-like-that. The I’m-an-adult-why-won’t-you-treat-me-like-one. The way he was holding himself, with them in HIS home. The way they berated him for moving so far away from home so they can’t come see him

when he went out into the hall because he couldn’t stand talking to them anymore — out of his own space because they’re in there and he has nowhere else to go — and slid to the floor with his head in his hands. I’ve been there. Achingly, been there.

And though I enjoyed the fun parts of the episode (the spliced interviews were amazing), near the end it started hitting wrong notes for me. Whatever, they had to keep him on the show I don’t care but

He hugged his parents. He agreed to visit and to keep in touch. He basically forgave them. And it infuriated me. So much of the episode was showing and implying the emotional (and you could probably argue physical with the whole ‘rewriting his genetic structure to the point where he feels like the child he was no longer exists’ thing) abuses that he endured at his parents. The whole episode, his interactions with his parents felt like a SciFi Scaled Up Metaphor™ interaction of me with my parents.

The way they’ve ‘built’ me. How my mother takes responsibility for the fact that I write so much and so well because she read to me and instilled a love of reading and that gave me the tools to start writing. She believes that she was my ‘architect’, to put it in Julian’s words, and it is painful. Just like Julian. And that’s where I got angry with the episode, for dismissing what for me was a nuanced depiction of emotional abuse with a haha he forgives them everything is happy!

Most of the rest of what that episode dealt with in terms of his genetic engineering, I liked. I liked the way it built another level to him. I am all about this character in so many ways.

(Also I appreciated O’Brien’s reaction being “hey! Play at your actual level! ….in the corner so it’s fair then asshole”. Because he just accepted it and made their interactions more genuine and agh)

Side note: my sibling is autistic, I probably have autism and/or ADHD, and I’ve been categorized as ‘Superior Gifted’ so everything else w/Bashir’s intelligence/outsider status thing also resonates with me. You know, because he wasn’t hitting literally every other button I had.

My problems with the second episode was more about the writing and the actual show than it was my personal issues, though those are never gone lmao.

It started off pretty cool, even if the ‘mutant’ characters were a little too mental illness coded for my taste. Everything can be done well — and for a while, it looked like they might have been going there!

Bashir had some awesome moments connecting to those other characters, and actually getting to be understood. He was able to bounce ideas back and forth with them in a way he was never able to do with anyone else (*cough* me and my sib *cough*) and generally got to know himself better and unwind. And that was cool.

Something probably about halfway through really dinged all those little sensors in me though. Like his parents. Without warning, super subtly, the framing of the episode changed. Instead of the ‘mutants’ being super cool and #relatable and helpful, the narrative had stopped endorsing it and was showing them as hahah off the rails.

Oh boy, did that bug me. Ohhhhh boy.

And it was lumping Bashir in with them too. And even besides my immense problems with that (and even setting aside the gross ableism with all the mental illness coding), the way he was throwing in with them? Completely out of character. This is a guy who has-

Listen, if you’ve watched the show, you know. Bashir will 100% throw himself into danger against awful odds. He’s brave. His entire character development up to this point has been about that! What the fuck ds9!!!!! Why are you suddenly making him say ‘we should surrender to The Great Evil™ bc Stats Say So’. Besides all the icky ableism and reframing the narrative to make him look like he’s in too deep with the off the rails mutants, it’s literally nothing like him!

I am still really bitter about this, if you couldn’t tell.

And then, the episode framing gets even shittier as all the mutants decide to commit treason. Except Julian, who has suddenly regained his senses, and is like “um. NO??????”

And here the narrative flips again. It’s showing off how Bashir is the exception to the genetic engineering rule, how he’s better than all these crazy people around him, that he’s Not Like That, he’s Better. And I’m just so furious because that’s so clearly how the narrative was positioning him, and it could have been done so much better.

And then in the end, he stops them, is the Neurotypical Passing Hero™, and then just ushers them off to be somebody’s else’s problem again, basically. And doesn’t get that sweet, sweet feeling of belonging and understanding again.

(I did like the one moment where he’s trying to explain the super science analysis reports to his friend and genuinely offers “I-I-I’d love to explain it to you if you didn’t understand it!” and O’Brien is so offended and thinks it’s because Julian thinks he’s stupid. I’ve done that a thousand times and it’s not because I think people are stupid — I just like knowledge and facts and sharing them so much I want to explain it over and over and make sure everyone is on the exact same page. It’s not that I think you’re stupid, it’s that I recently didn’t know this myself and want to share it! And I could see that in his tone and expression and this is why I love him.)

I’m still so furious at the way the episode kept flip-flopping on how it framed the mutants and Bashir’s actions and everything. Super manipulative. Super shitty. I know the show could have done better. I was extremely disappointed.

So anyway. That’s what I think of Julian Bashir, in excruciating detail. I love the plotline, I wanna fight some of the details. tl;dr: I love him and this plot line on my own terms, in my own biased and revisionist interpretation, but the way the show treated some of it was disrespectful, ableist, and ignorant. I am glad to have had the experience of watching and thinking about it, though. Because now I can articulate some things that I experience with examples, and also I have a new life goal. To be able to stand on my own, but to be supported if I want it.

#star trek #ds9 #deep space nine #star trek deep space nine #mine #personal #abuse #emotional abuse #I mention it so I should tag it #Julian Bashir #meta #its midnight I should sleep #but I'm awake #and as far as I'm aware this is coherent #as much as I ever am lmao #anyway if anyone's watched the show and has Opinions about this plot line or whatever #hit me up #ableism #my meta

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