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alatismeni-theitsa · 2 years

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Anon from before who brought up that Iliad retelling with immortal Helen as Achilles's nemesis. This is the full blurb for it, and there are plenty of other... choices the author made.

Drawing on ancient texts and modern archeology to reveal the trans woman’s story hidden underneath the well-known myths of The Iliad, Maya Deane’s Wrath Goddess Sing weaves a compelling, pitilessly beautiful vision of Achilles’ vanished world, perfect for fans of Song of Achilles and the Inheritance trilogy.

The gods wanted blood. She fought for love.

Achilles has fled her home and her vicious Myrmidon clan to live as a woman with the kallai, the transgender priestesses of Great Mother Aphrodite. When Odysseus comes to recruit the “prince” Achilles for a war against the Hittites, she prepares to die rather than fight as a man. However, her divine mother, Athena, intervenes, transforming her body into the woman’s body she always longed for, and promises her everything: glory, power, fame, victory in war, and, most importantly, a child born of her own body. Reunited with her beloved cousin, Patroklos, and his brilliant wife, the sorceress Meryapi, Achilles sets out to war with a vengeance.

But the gods—a dysfunctional family of abusive immortals that have glutted on human sacrifices for centuries—have woven ancient schemes more blood-soaked and nightmarish than Achilles can imagine. At the center of it all is the cruel, immortal Helen, who sees Achilles as a worthy enemy after millennia of ennui and emptiness. In love with her newfound nemesis, Helen sets out to destroy everything and everyone Achilles cherishes, seeking a battle to the death.

An innovative spin on a familiar tale, this is the Trojan War unlike anything ever told, and an Achilles whose vulnerability is revealed by the people she chooses to fight…and chooses to trust.

Apologies for answering this a few days later but I wanted to give the appropriate time to my answer. I know the trend of bashing it has passed but it doesn't mean that we shouldn't talk about it later. I am aware that the author is trans but that doesn't negate any bad writing are they very questionable choices in this book. There is just SO MUCH to unpack here.

I am writing long texts with every too-much-to-unpack media when I see and comment on it for the first time and this is not an exception. It doesn't matter if the author is lgbt+ or not, I judge only their writing choices, their intentions, and the story execution. I take their identity into consideration, of course, but I don't believe any identity excuses 1) bad writing 2) appropriation and misrepresentation.

First of all the plot is a mess. I understand that the author saw herself in the scene where Achilles was dressed as a woman and she wanted an imaginary world where Achilles did it on purpose because he was feeling dysphoric and wanted to look more like the gender he felt like. However, the way the story goes, it becomes more and more obvious that the plot could have been better away from the scenes of the Iliad Epic. "this is the Trojan War unlike anything ever told" No PLEASE stop trying to find "new ways" to write ancient Epics, I beg youuu. The fact that is "unlike anything ever told" is the biggest red flag.

The characters and situations differ so much from those of the Epic that it is a story on its own, merely wearing the shredded skin of the Iliad. Just the statement "a dysfunctional family of abusive immortals that have glutted on human sacrifices for centuries" (yikes??) shows us that zero research on ancient Greek culture. This is gonna be one of these tone-deaf ✨ modern, progressive, feminist ✨American retellings. Brace yourselves.

Had it been a story about an imaginary ancient warrior who was called to fight but felt very dysphoric about everything "being a man" meant, it would make more sense. Heck, it could have been a random warrior in the army of Greeks on Troy's shores, a Myrmidon even! Someone whose story is not already established by a 3.000-year-old folk tradition. But the author wanted the big name, Achilles, to sell the book, not realizing what she did in the process. Yes, it's a new scenario but... who asked for this? We already had 500 of those in the US industry so far, have some mercy on us.

Maya Deane, you didn't do anything groundbreaking. You touched a heritage very out of your reach. I recognize the need to see yourself somewhere but I don't applaud the privileged mindset that enabled you to feel so comfortable with changing an ancient national hero and the whole Epic, and then advertising it and selling it for money. You don't get to insert trans representation in whatever epic of whatever culture you wish because this work doesn't belong to you, but to our ancients - and we don't even get to change such stuff. Not even I don't get to insert my specific queerness in Achilles and it's my heritage, 'kay?

And may I ask, why did the author keep a clearly male name for a trans woman? To my knowledge, Achilles, for most of the book was living and was dressed "as a woman" (pardon me here, I lack the vocabulary to describe it better, but I mean she was not in the closet), and even after her body changes completely, she is still named Achilles. I know that the name issue is not that simple, but I am not sure this was a conscious choice by the author. I think this happened simply because the author was so oblivious to how Greek names work (strictly feminine and strictly masculine) that she didn't think of that implication. (Correct me if her name changes later, but I just haven't seen that so I am commenting on it)

Another implication? We don't know if Achilles of the Epic felt dysphoric or euphoric while in women's clothes or doing women's stuff. He could have been a 100% cis dude and she wrote him as a trans icon. Contrary to the affection he had for Patroclus, which, in a far-fetched scenario could have led the two to have sexual relationships*, the trans identity of Achilles is... not a discussion. (*Men of ancient Greece were seeing male-to-male affection and emotional relationships as good, not sex between them as good! The mtm sexual intercourse was something "deviant" to them.)

And, let's not forget that males feeling comfortable in feminine clothing are not necessarily trans women? Like, these two things don't go hand in hand. Drag queens exist, people (and they are usually gay cis men). Plus, I haven't heard of "transgender priestesses of Great Mother Aphrodite" existing, and Achilles didn't go to live with priestesses. In the Iliad this scene doesn't exist but it could have been an additional story referenced sometimes by the ancients. According to them, Achilles was dressed as a court girl in Skyros. Maybe the writer included the priestesses to invoke a feeling of sacredness for trans people (?) but again, she just couldn't be at least accurate to the "court girls" episode? It's a very simple thing? Another clue for the author not actually liking and would be better off making her own.

Slavery, racism and discourse:

There was a certain negative way that the writer described foreign and darker individuals in this book, so let's get a bit into it. I haven't read the whole book, just excerpts, but to my understanding the author did this deliberately, to show the ancient Hellenic mindset of the era. From what I gather, she isn't racist in her real life. She added these things in the book for extra realism. E.g. she doesn't think that Egyptian women are "exotic" but she believes that an ancient man would describe them as such. And, chances are that they would. (I will leave the analysis of xenophobia different nations had against each other back then but it existed to a large extent.)

Needless to say, I don't enjoy reading about racist and xenophobic characters but it's a fact that most people back then had these biases. The bigger distance most of them went was the three villages away. It would be dishonest to exclude racism and xenophobia from the ancient past just because it can be uncomfortable for modern readers. I mean, the author included rampant transphobia and misogynism in the story and nobody said anything about it because USians expect these ancient people to hold these notions. Guess what, they also had strong racism and xenophobia AND slaves. Achilles probably had slaves. Agamemnon probably had slaves. Odysseus had slaves. If Bronze Age history makes you so uncomfortable you lash out, maybe you shouldn't engage with it. Or maybe some research is due before you start reading the material. This is another culture and another era. It just can't be palatable to us.

It was a weird, though, that the slave in this case was a Black (anachronistic term) person. The slave was Amazonian (aka "European" or "northwest Asian" depending on the migration wave) and the Subsaharan African population there wasn't even 1% at the time. So, the author went out of her way to make sure the slave was a Black person. I am not sure why?? Maybe because she is American and the only people she can envision as slaves are of that "race"? Weird... Tons of people were enslaved at the time and in the centuries to follow and the majority of them in the region had light skin.

The "Twitter discourse" started because of the Black trans person being a slave to Achilles. Sure, different choices could have been made by the author for the author and who the slave was, but I must admit that the scenario of an ancient hero/prince/man/woman having slaves is realistic. Again, if you only accept sugarcoated versions of the Bronze Age, don't expect to not be shocked when the realism hits.

(The person who started the discourse publishes erotica with the Greek gods in the modern era for money so, in addition to the way he spoke, I am not sure he has a good grasp on the ancient Greek culture. He also supported a Greek who supported appropriation while she blocked the dozens of Greeks disagreeing with her. She doesn't know Greek or/and Balkan history and, as he supports her claims, neither does he. The book is a mess culturally wise but he never pointed this out. He was only grossed out by the slavery part, one of the (sadly) most accurate things in the story. I don't want to give more detail about the situation and the person to avoid additional drama or targeting but we are talking about a.... certain type of cherrypicker)

Also, I found the discourse very American, again. (While the slave had been an Amazonian, (Scythian, aka modern Balkan or West Asian)). I understand that the author and the majority of the audience are from the US and therefore draw from their own slavery history but this is (I repeat!) about another culture and about another era. They should be able to see this. That's the point of recognizing cultural diversity! What's the point of accusing an author of something if your critical thinking stops after one element? Lastly, a USian (Black or not) has the credentials to talk about ancient slavery in the Balkan region just by virtue of their skin color. Not the same country, not the same region, not the same era. Shared "race" doesn't mean much in this case, because a "race" across countries and eras is not a monolith.

Aaand more hypocrisy... Don't US Americans always chant "this slavery wasn't that bad compared to the slavery Black went through in the US!" as soon as a European talks about how their ancestors were enslaved for a duration of 20 centuries in Europe, Africa, and the Middle East?? Oh, I guess the European slavery experience is not "mild" anymore now that a Black (Amazonian in this case) person lives it. Despite this person's enslavement actually being typical for the ancient era and with more freedoms and better treatment, suddenly it doesn't seem as fluffy to the Americans. I guess now my recent, medieval and ancient slave ancestors can rest in peace, knowing that the Americans recognized their hardship, ameeen.

That was all I had. I know it was a wall of text but thank you for sticking with me. I didn't dive too deep into the book because even with this epidermic look I had too much to analyze. There might be some things I missed or misrepresented so feel free to add stuff on comments and reblogs.

#Wrath Goddess Sing #retellings #answered #writing

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ambiguousdisorderken · 3 years

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— and every minute without him i waited alone: for my death, for his ghost.

#the way cas feels the passage of time excruciatingly slow. seconds into eternities. he's lived since the dawn of creation-#but the absence of dean is the absence of meaning. what's there to life if dean is not there anymore?#he's meant to live forever but without dean by his side the gift of an angelic lifespan is nothing but torture #and then dean in all his human glory and vulnerability...#without cas there's no hope no light no sun. he drowns in an abyss where time ceases to exist. suspended in an ocean of desperation-#disconnected and severed from life. holding his breath and choking by his own hand.#they became one not by fate but by choice. by love.#im having feelings yall #excuse my rambling #i fangirl my own edits kldja #destiel #deancas #destieledit #deancasedit #12x9 #13x6 #spn #spnedit #supernatural #mine

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quillquiver · 3 years

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no more watchers on the wall

Musings on Cas and love. 15x18 kind of coda. read on ao3

Love—the concept of it, the feeling—had never been a difficult thing to grasp. Castiel was, after all, willed into being by love. What was he if not an agent of such feeling? What was his grace if not the divine manifestation of it? Castiel understood that love was in listening. In following. In obeying. It was steadfast and absolute.

And so Castiel was steadfast. Castiel was absolute.

He painted stars across the black, empty skies of his Father’s Universe and imbued joy into each one; closed his eyes and smiled as he nudged Pluto into place. Castiel dipped his wings in the stardust of Saturn’s rings and left behind nebulas of startling colour. He meditated between binary stars. Overwhelmed by the hunger and emptiness of the first black hole, he opened his mouth and sang with it.

It was not a burden, to love the Universe his Father created. Castiel walked along the sulphurous, scorched shores of the primordial beach and loved the creature of flesh that hauled itself onto the coarse black sand. He leaned over the very edge of heaven and watched pterodactyls fly and felt his own wings twitch. When God sent a meteor for the dinosaurs, Castiel reassured himself that the subsequent genocide must have been borne of love, too.

Privately, he wondered at this; his insatiable curiosity to know all God’s creatures, to fly to the farthest reaches of the Universe—just to see, to know. His passion outmatched that of his siblings, and among the closest of his kin, he became known for it. Though Castiel was not a Watcher, Uriel joked that he may as well have been—but to be teased by his brother was a privilege, and Castiel loved him, too.

The Neanderthals were poets, and Castiel would spend hours reciting their words of love to himself, over and over, marveling at them. Certainly, there were other creatures who loved and loved deeply, but there was something about homo neanderthalensis—their appreciation for beauty, their seriousness in all things—that Castiel saw reflected in his own self.

But the Neanderthals died, and so Castiel turned to humanity with the rest of Heaven. Waiting. Watching. There were rumours that humanity was the Father’s chosen people, and Castiel wondered briefly, treasonously, at all the creatures who had been casualties His divine search. But Castiel was a being of duty, of purpose—and so he set himself to the task of loving them, too.

God created the Garden.

The Lightbringer became jealous and in his hatred, offered Eve a pomegranate. Her own curiosity was too large to bear. This desire—for knowledge, for knowing—Castiel understood, though he kept his thoughts to himself. And as he fought for Michael, as he remained steadfast and absolute, he wondered at the ability of love to twist into something so volatile. Twisted. Wrong. He wondered if perhaps both sides weren’t wrong, in that neither cared about the creatures on Earth and the happenings of their little lives; that two brothers were fighting there, too. That one killed the other and was doomed to a life of wandering.

War waged on. Castiel found he was good at killing, when it was in defense of people he loved. Over time, he even began to see it as a mercy; that to take a life was to save his kin from eternal damnation as well as to protect the glory of the Father’s creation. Here, death and love were intertwined. Both righteous. Both absolute. Castiel’s knowledge of all things—the defense strategies of the parasaurolophus, the hunting behaviours of the sabre-toothed tiger—propelled him through the ranks until he became Anna’s right-hand. There was no doubt that, had the war continued, he would have had been named a leader in his own right.

But the war did end, and by the time it had, Earth had flooded for forty days and forty nights.

Castiel watched, despaired, at how the world had changed while he’d been gone. At the violence. The despair. By the time Moses was desperately hidden in a basket and pushed downriver, Castiel turned away from Earth and refused to look upon it again, heartbroken; so much had changed since he’d flown carefree among newborn stars.

Castiel was one of three called upon to slay every Egyptian first born. He was told to take a vessel and protect a boy named David. He’d heard rumours of the Father’s son—born to a human woman named Mary—and grief and joy echoed across Heaven upon Christ’s death at the hands of the Romans. Castiel remained steadfast throughout—dutiful, loyal, with a love for all things humming a baseline in the depths of his heart. He was devotion incarnate; the Father’s will was good and righteous, and he wielded his first children as instruments of love and light. If he couldn’t see the plan right now, it was because he merely did not understand it. Besides, understanding was beyond his purview. Castiel’s only purpose was love of the highest order. Steadfast. Absolute.

Or so he’d thought.

The angels laid siege to Hell for forty years. It was by happenstance that Castiel was the one to find the Righteous Man; twisted and smirking in front of his rack, his soul still shone with the power of a thousand suns. Be not afraid, Castiel had said, reaching out to touch the hurting thing. Like an injured animal, Dean Winchester shied away, and Castiel felt something within himself, something long-since tightened, unravel. I mean you no harm.

And he’d laid a hand upon the soul of the Righteous Man.

They lost precious time in the single moment of that act—one that lasted a second, an hour, a lifetime. Castiel had no need for breath, and yet he felt breathless in touching this human, this person whose warmth and light, palpable from a distance, was blinding so close. God had lied. Beautiful words about angels as the bringers of love and light—all falsehoods at the feet of his one human being, this righteous man, whose love was so… so steadfast, so absolute it led him to the deepest, darkest hole in the Pit. It had been no hardship to hold Dean Winchester close and fly him out of Hell, to sing for the first time in eons, so loud and clear and joyous it was heard in the Ninth Sphere: Dean Winchester is saved.

Castiel stitched Dean’s soul back into a body of flesh and bone with all the love he possessed, himself. He’d wanted to be his equal. His kin. He’d wanted to understand how such a man came to be, living in the world as it was today. And so Castiel remade his heart and hands and wondered at how one person could possibly embody so much goodness and grace. So much beauty. For Dean Winchester was comely for a human and that was right, too; that the Righteous Man’s love shone through his skin to make him golden and great.

How laughable that even then, Castiel had known nothing.

He understands, now.

Now, Cas has known heartbreak and elation. He has known despair and joy. And he understands that all of that—the good, the bad, the ugly—all of it is love. That love is not steadfast in itself, but a riot of emotion, and it is the ability to remain steadfast in spite of that that makes it sacred and glorious. That hope and love are irrevocably entwined, and it is in this intersection that humans find true strength. True dignity. That they become something greater than themselves when they are true to themselves.

And so, in a concrete room under the ground, Cas speaks his own truth. He pulls the words from deep within his own heart and lays himself bare not because he must, but because there is strength in it. Happiness in it. Because it is a privilege and an honor and this vulnerability, too, is sacred. For the first time in all the eons of history, an angel confesses to a human man—not because he has doubts, but because he is sure. Because he is certain. Because he—a being known for its sameness—has been forever changed by one imperfect, loving human. Because Dean Winchester is love incarnate.

“Cas—”

It’s funny; for all that he has been told he is an abomination, Cas has never felt more holy.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

Cas pushes Dean out of harm’s way and meets the Empty head-on. Ready. Proud.

And his love is steadfast.

And it is absolute.

#15x18 coda #castiel #love confessions #can't stop thinking about it don't mind me #destiel #cas meta but like... in fic form #bc can you imagine what it was like for a being so old #who was literally created to love #to suddenly understand that he had no fucking idea what love was all along #adventures in fanfic

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demonologist-in-denim · 3 years

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Okay, let’s get into this, because I have put off talking about Crowley’s cut monologue from 12x23 for long enough. If you haven’t already, you can read it here, or in this great gifset.

I absolutely see why this was cut. And I’m only acknowledging it here to talk about why I not only think it doesn’t add anything to Crowley’s story or our understanding of him, but how it actually detracts from it. After that, I intend to ignore it and let it fade away into the ether of the spn fandom. That being said, deleted scenes and cut scripts live in a sort of canonical limbo – you can choose for yourself whether to accept them as canon, consider them glimpses from some alternative universe, or do away with them entirely. I’m choosing the latter in this instance.

(This was meant to be a post, but it turned into an essay.)

Whomever wrote this was either unfamiliar with Crowley as a character, or was intentionally twisting the character in such a way as to fit into the convenient narrative that removed him from the show. Blame it on Chuck in text, blame it on the showrunners outside of text, whatever your preference – this doesn’t read like Crowley.

There are very few parts of this monologue that felt in character, that read like something Crowley would say. Not just in the tone or the choice of words, but the openness of it. And that’s coming from someone who writes reformed and/or human Crowley, with his admittance to remorse and shame and love. In this cut script, he is uncharacteristically vulnerable, sharing self-reflections he would never have shared aloud at this point in his character development. His dialogue lacks the layers of meaning or deflection that Crowley would normally employ, that he employed everywhere else in the show, even when being emotionally vulnerable.

That’s not to say that Crowley didn’t think or feel these things – I will argue to the end of my days (in spn fandom) that after the cure, Crowley hated himself. He hated that he was alone and unloved. Some part of that was due to being a demon and the horrible, evil, messy things he’d done, and some of it he believed was due to his inherent lack of worth. And I think this monologue was written in part to have Crowley make that final confession out loud. Final because, if that’s the case and he’s willing to admit it – to his former enemies and now the only people he really has in his life – his story can only take one of two directions: redemption or death. Embrace the desire for change and move forward as a reformed demon and full Winchester ally, or dramatically (and unnecessarily) sacrifice himself.

And there is a way to write that, but with Crowley properly in character and with the emotional complexity we know him to possess, not this blatant declaration. Maybe the line would have worked depending on how Mark Sheppard played it, and it only falls so flat because it’s just a script – I’m willing to allow for that. But this moment, facing down the boys after letting Lucifer loose, in front of an audience of Mary Winchester that he doesn’t know well and isn’t comfortable with, it doesn’t feel like a moment for Crowley to be this open, this vulnerable, about something so personal and so monumental.

I’ve no doubt that Crowley expected the Winchesters would one day kill him, “for good this time.” He was a demon working alongside a pair of hunters; there was always going to be that risk. Crowley was intelligent, one of the smartest characters on the show. He had to know that was how things would play out – either that, or he would die on their behalf, or because of their actions, even if he had ended up leaving Hell and joining Team Free Will. That was what happened to people around the Winchesters. Crowley warned Kevin of that himself. “They use people up, and leave them to die bloody.” Crowley knew. And as he internalized more and more of his blood-born conscience, Crowley had to believe on some level that he deserved it, especially if he hated himself and what he’d done.

But once again, if Crowley was going to say something like that, that’s not how he’d say it. It would be as a dismissive aside, or a knife in Dean’s gut in a moment of intense emotion between the two of them, or as a rebuke that the Winchesters badly deserved. Or better yet, as something remarked between himself and Cas, who Crowley likely suspected would outlast him but also ultimately die in service of the Winchester cause. Words like those have power. And it’s unlike Crowley to lay them down in supplication like this. It doesn’t even feel like a heart-felt confession, like his monologue in 8x23. It reads like someone wrote what was meant to be under Crowley’s words, the intention behind his dialogue, the much-exalted subtext, but failed to add all the layers on top of it, to put it in actual character.

I’m just going to bundle the whole beginning of the monologue together and toss it out entirely. Firstly because I’ve argued more than once that Crowley is an unreliable narrator when it comes to his human life. What we know of it from Rowena comes with an agenda, and what we know of it from Gavin comes from a man who had a difficult relationship with his father. It’s about as reliable as young Dean telling stories to Sammy about their parents’ time together. And there’s canonical errors in this monologue to back that up – we know Crowley wasn’t buried in a pauper’s grave, because we saw it 6x04. The “dying in a puddle of his own sick” is a great detail in terms of storytelling, but it’s almost directly repeated from Rowena, who said it as a belittling comment to a young Fergus. It’s too forced. And we know at least Gavin came to the funeral, because he tells us so in a deleted scene in 12x13 (remember what I said about getting to pick and choose when it comes to cut scripts and deleted scenes?).

But more importantly – and this is the part that really grates – Crowley’s iteration of his human life reinforces the narrative of absolute morality in the spn universe. It supports the argument that if a character becomes a demon, it must be because they were a terrible person. There is no room for human flaws, for characters to have made mistakes – and that doesn’t just hinder characters in terms of backstory, but in character development and emotional growth moving forward. It’s a stance spn takes more than once, and especially with non-human characters, though never in regards to the Winchesters. The Winchesters can become soulless or demons, but they were “always good” before that, so they are deserving of redemption. If Crowley or other non-humans were “always bad,” that absolves the Winchesters from seeing them as people deserving of help, or of their ability to change, or even to be seen as beings deserving of any level of respect or agency. And it absolves the showrunners from writing a character capable of development, of being able to grow beyond their previous flaws.

That’s not to say that Fergus MacLeod wasn’t some or all of those things. But if he was a complex character – if he was a person, as all stories should aim to present their characters – then he was all of that and more, just as the Winchesters are their virtues and their faults all wrapped up in an individual person. And if Crowley had brought this up some other time, in reference to his human life, none of this discussion would be necessary. It would be easy to say: he’s an unreliable narrator, and this provides us with insight into how Crowley feels about himself, and it would be interesting and valuable. But here, it’s used in justification for Crowley’s status as irredeemable – which is not true – and as part of justification for what happens next.

Crowley’s death was written by the showrunners as an excuse to remove him from the show – attribute that to budget costs for the show, or running out of story ideas for Crowley, or creative laziness, whatever you want. And within spn, it can be attributed to Chuck not wanting another character like Cas muddling up his Winchester Brothersᵀᴹ grand narrative. I’ve written before both in posts and in fic about how Crowley’s character-central instinct for self-preservation crumbles into depression after losing Hell and the seemingly-irreversible depletion of his and Dean’s friendship in 12x23. And that this ushers in a desire to End in such a way that achieves revenge against Lucifer (not a significant motivation, in my opinion, you’ve got to outlive your enemies to win against them), earns him the appreciation of the Winchesters, saves the world (proving his capacity for good), and brings about an end to his waiting. Glory through death, redemption in death – tropes that are hard to associate with Crowley unless you buy into his character’s devolvement in the latter half of season 12, but which the writers do their best to smooth into place and the fandom was forced to choke down.

And I won’t argue that Crowley didn’t wanted an end to his waiting – I’d argue the opposite in fact. This blatant preference for suicide, however, is antithesis to everything Crowley. What Crowley wanted in that End wasn’t an end of himself, but an end to existing in a state of perpetual limbo. Be accepted by the good guys, embrace his more human aspects, or return to the full dark depravity of demonkind. An end to the emotional rollercoaster, to continuous and destructive self-doubt, to striving to be both the king Hell needed and the ally the Winchesters refused to admit they benefited from having. That’s entirely different than wanting to end himself. As much as Crowley hated himself, he would never have considered death to be a preferable option – not unless some outside force, be it Chuck or the spn showrunners, decided otherwise for him.

Even if that had been the case, and I am wrong about Crowley’s characterization and his motivations, I still do not think he would have been as open about that motivation as is written in this cut script. It is just not like him. It is too vulnerable, too self-pitying. Crowley was always concerned about the others around him, and especially the Winchesters, thinking less of him. He never would have said something like this to them, not as this is written. Nor would Crowley have gone to the Winchesters with the intention of them killing him. He might have known it was a possibility, once he confessed his actions, (and from his perspective, there was the chance the Winchesters didn’t know of his involvement in Lucifer’s escape anyway), but it would never have been his intention. It’s not unknown for Crowley to encourage abuse from those he’s wronged, and to revel in the attention and emotions of it (here I’m thinking specifically of Kevin beating him in 9x02), maybe considering the punishment just and due. And Crowley at this point likely suspected he would eventually meet his end in some way involving the Winchesters. But death by their hands in this moment would have involved none of the justifying benefits of death by his own hand only a few scenes later – glory, revenge, redemption, a sense of closure.

Compare this cut monologue and its potential death – at the hands of the Winchesters after confessing his role in Lucifer’s escape – to this cut line of dialogue from later in 12x23. “Tell Dean he was right – you bloody fools have rubbed off on me.” This is Crowley. This is emotional complexity, admittance to a change of heart, self-awareness, and a brave act of equal defiance and sacrifice, with his usual smug, snarky dismissal. This isn’t suicide brought on by depression, by an uncharacteristic vulnerability. It is resolved, determined, if reluctant. This is Crowley choosing the greater good and the boys, even if it means sacrificing himself.

For me, this small addition smooths over much of the unevenness in the showrunner’s attempts to justify Crowley’s death. He has lost Hell, he believes he’s had an irreversible falling out with Dean – all of which could be overcome, grown beyond. But then a rift opens, and Lucifer is an immediate danger, and it requires a life to save the day. Crowley knows it can’t be either of the boys – that tends to have world-ending effects – and it can’t be Mary Winchesters or Castiel, because of “Winchester man-pain.” So that leaves Crowley. And having exhausted all immediate alternatives, Crowley does what internalized Winchester logic and conscience tells him is right. It would still require a moment of hesitation, a moment we see him combatting his deeply imbedded trait of self-preservation. But at least that would have been in character and show definitive character growth on Crowley’s part.

So yes, I completely agree with the decision to cut this monologue in 12x23. It doesn’t tell us anything about Crowley that we don’t already know, and is uncharacteristic of him, and provides out-of-character justification for his actions that wasn’t needed. You don’t have to agree with me, obviously. And I’ll end this rather long rant of an essay by saying what I always say: that Crowley deserved better. He deserved better than the mangling of his character’s motivations in the latter half of season 12, and he deserved better than this monologue. I’m glad it was cut from the final script.

#crowley #character analysis #spn season 12 #spn script #crowley deserved better #happy sulphur saturday #this has been your pre-scheduled lunch time rant #not back to your regularly scheduled postings

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deaniebabie · 3 years

Text

I’ll Go With You

Fuck the finale. Dean dies of old age with Cas by his side.

you’ll find: destiel, old!dean, angel!cas, hurt/comfort, fluff, mentions of sam and sameileen

tw: home hospice, death, a scene of brother-related angst

Dean wakes up early and bolstered by a gust of energy he hasn’t felt in weeks, and Castiel knows that means it’s almost time.

He’s not afraid. When Jack resurrected him from the blackness of The Empty, it was under one condition: that Castiel restore Heaven to its glory before going to Dean. And so he bottled his impatience, channeled all of his hope and love, broke down every wall, and lovingly crafted a Heaven worthy of a soul as bright and pure as Dean’s. It remained all this time an unopened love letter. In truth, he can’t wait for Dean to see it.

Jack forbade him from telling Dean or any human of the details of Heaven, although Dean pestered playfully, as if shaking a wrapped present before it was time to be opened.

And then, when Sam died, he begged.

“Cas, please.” In all their years alongside each other, Castiel had never seen Dean so crumpled. He put on a brave face for Eileen and the boys, but that night in the privacy of their bedroom he collapsed in on himself, trembling against Castiel as the finality of it, the sheer uncertainty, threatened to tear him apart from the inside out.

“Just tell me where he went. Please, Cas, just tell me where he went.”

Castiel gathered Dean in his arms and rocked him, murmuring, “He’s safe, Dean. He’s safe,” over and over again while Dean sobbed through gritted teeth, moaning “Please, please just tell me,” like the knowing was the only thing that could keep him tethered to Earth with Sam gone.

Castiel grasped Dean’s face firmly in his hands, and with every fiber of his soul, his grace, implored, “Dean, your brother is safe. He’s free. You will see each other again. Do you believe me?”

Dean’s leaking eyes bored into his with a desperation bordering on rage. Blood red and emerald green.

“Promise me, Cas.”

Castiel’s grasp on Dean’s face softened to a cradle, and he pressed their foreheads together tenderly, cherishing the weight of this vulnerable, breathtakingly human man’s trust.

“I promise.”

Now Dean isn’t afraid anymore, either.

By 11 AM, Dean is complaining about being hungry. He hasn’t been hungry in days.

“Fire up the grill, Cas.” He says, with vigor. “It’s burger time!”

Castiel openly scoffs at him.

“Dean, I don’t think that’s a very good idea.”

Dean throws his head back as much as his limited mobility will allow and scoffs right back, “What, like it’s gonna kill me?”

He has the audacity to wink.

“That’s not funny, Dean,” Castiel chides, hiding a small smile to avoid giving Dean the satisfaction of knowing he’s wearing him down.

“C’mooooon,“ he groans dramatically. “At least let me go out doin’ what I love most.”

Castiel stands and walks toward their kitchen, calling back, “You couldn’t eat a burger right now if you tried. I’ll see what I can find.”

He opens their freezer and retrieves a supermarket key lime pie which he’d been saving just for this. He thaws it gently in the microwave until it’s room temp and soft, and carries a small slice to the living room where Dean lays in his hospice bed. When Dean realizes what Castiel is bringing him, his whole body seems to quiver with delight. Cas thinks he would dance, if he could.

“Shit, Cas. Is that pie?”

Castiel scrapes the light green filling into a spoon, not wanting to chance the crust, and holds it out toward Dean’s mouth.

“It is. Open up.”

Dean’s wrinkled lips close around the spoon, his sparkling eyes never leaving Castiel’s as he relishes each tart bite.

Castiel doesn’t leave his side after that, savoring the hours of lucidity. Their hands rest intertwined atop Dean’s chest while he prattles away, suddenly chatty and wanting to regale Cas with memories from their hunting days. He seems especially fixated on recalling all his many meetings with death, seeming equal parts thrilled and disappointed—but either way, incredulous—that he is finally dying, and a completely unremarkable death at that.

Eventually, Dean’s voice trails off, and his eyes close. His mouth falls open slowly as his jaw relaxes. Castiel counts the growing seconds between each breath.

He cups Dean’s face in his free hand and trails his thumb gently over thin skin, crinkled like tissue paper from years and years and years. Dean always resented aging while Castiel stayed the same, but Cas treasures each wrinkle. He knows that in Heaven Dean will probably choose to look younger, and he wants to remember this face, a map of his lover’s life; of their life together. He sits like this, memorizing each line in Dean’s warm, weathered skin, for hours.

“Dean,” he murmurs softly as day fades to night, and it is not a question or a plea but Dean jostles awake anyway, grappling at the edge of consciousness to crawl his way back toward the sound of Castiel’s voice.

Cas chuckles, and thinks, This astoundingly stubborn man. He never did learn when to quit.

“Dean,” he repeats, this time admonishing him gently. “It’s okay. You can go now.”

That well-worn crinkle appears between Dean’s brows. With what must be a monumental effort, he opens his eyes to pin Cas with a searing gaze before grumbling, “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” A sly grin ghosts across his features, and for a moment he looks just as young as he did that night so long ago.

An immense swell of affection threatens to overwhelm Cas, and he doesn’t fight the fat tears that roll down his cheeks as he beams down at this man he has loved over a lifetime.

“It isn’t,” he assures Dean. “Not this time.”

Castiel squeezes Dean’s fragile hand.

“I’ll go with you.”

#destiel #deancas #destiel fic #deancas fic #fix it fic #15x20 coda #but not really?#this is my first fic ever go easy #I just had so many feelings #dean winchester #castiel #supernatural #supernatural fic #my writing

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amwritingmeta · 3 years

Note

You don't think killing Dean the way they did was contradicting to his character arc and development?

Hello, lovely!

As the initial shock of watching Dean die is wearing off more with each passing day, I can tell you that no, I don’t think that killing Dean the way they did was contradicting to his character arc and development.

Let me explain.

And let me be clear, I’m basing this on my hopes and wishes for the narrative, for Dean, and they, in turn, sprung up from my reading of the narrative.

My reading has always, as all meta readings are, been wholly subjective, though I’ve striven to be objective, trying to base my reading in my understanding of narrative structure and possible production choices as much as possible. The initial shock after the finale came from how the delivery of Dean’s endgame stepped outside of what I wanted and had grown to expect in those weeks leading up to it, due to 15x18 and queer love suddenly being a stated part of the narrative.

Letting go of the idea of a long and happy life for Dean with Cas as a human on Earth, because that was simply the framework my brain invented to give them a happily ever after, I’d like to take a look at some of the other hopes and wishes I’ve had for Dean, in no particular order:

Dismantling the toxic masculinity ideal

Non-performance

Open communication and honesty

Self-acceptance leading to self-worth leading to self-actualisation

Integration

Clear sense of identity

Learning to let go of need for control

Learning to trust

Feeling deserving of happiness and embracing it

Ending the codependency

Teamwork and sharing responsibility/not feeling it’s all on him

Admitting to himself that what he longs for is to love and be loved

Believing in deserving to have a future

The world balanced out (no more firewall)

Putting the past to rest

Letting go of Protect Sammy as predominant purpose

Letting go of fear

No more Butch and Sundance/blaze of glory ending

Now, the more I think about all of these things in relation to S15 in general and the final three episodes in particular, the more those finale three episodes make me feel nothing short of delight for our characters. (sorry but it’s true) (I feel the distress of our family and it’s just horrifying but oh I do feel we need to take a breath together and calm down)

Here’s what I see. And what I see may come off as dismissive of people’s frustration and anger and disgust with the finale, but it’s not meant to be. I’ve always read this narrative how I described above, knowing that it’s impossible not to be subjective, but striving for objectivity.

Striving for objectivity by looking at what’s come before, the threads I’ve seen them pulling on, the overarching themes that have been consistent for fifteen years, the character traits that have been explored and narratively stated over and over again, and basing my analysis in these narrative constants.

So first, let us ask ourselves: was Dean’s death foreshadowed in S15?

The simple answer is that yes, it was.

It was foreshadowed by Amara saying that she wanted to release Dean from his anger, it was foreshadowed by Billie asking if it wasn’t time for the sweet release of death, and it was foreshadowed by the heart symbology peppered throughout the entire season.

Had it been coming for a long time?

Well, yes, it had. There were only two ways that his arc could end: him living or him dying, right? He’s died a lot, which is why I thought it should end in him living, finally, but let’s look at what the narrative tells us living constitutes:

fear (of losing his brother and of what’s around the next bend), as Dean admits in 15x17: he’s always afraid

pain, because the pain of losing Cas will never go away

Has Dean decided to deal with that? Yes, he has. He’s decided, by 15x20, to accept the loss, to look to the future, to not give up, to keep on fighting. He’s not even self-destructively looking for a case to distract him: instead he brings Sam to a freaking pie festival. Yeah? Dean is living his life.

This means that we’re shown him as having let go of toxic masculinity because he’s wholly non-performing at the start of 15x20, he’s openly communicating and being honest about the pain he feels over losing Cas, but as opposed to Chuck’s version of the “perfect ending” which was always tragic, where Dean losing Cas meant that he saw no purpose to living or fighting anymore, Dean takes that pain and is able to handle it because?

Because of Cas. Because of Dean internalising Cas’ view of him. Because of Dean being shown in 15x19 to grieve Cas, to want Cas back, to go through the motions (getting drunk etc.), only for him to realise (and yes the execution is lacking but I’m going to go with the narrative we have for the sake of this reading) that Cas isn’t coming back.

By the end of 15x19, Cas’ words have taken such hold that Dean not only eases up on control and is shown to confidently share the responsibility for de-powering Chuck by working as a well-oiled team machine with Jack and Sam - because he trusts them, he’s also symbolically allowed to fully integrate by refusing to kill Chuck, because his Shadow (toxic masculinity as passed along by John the Bad Father Figure) (John also has a good side but he had a very bad side, for sure) no longer holds any sway over Dean, and because of Cas’ words, because of Cas’ faith in him, through Cas’ love for all that Dean is, Dean is given the sense of self-worth needed to finally be able to move into self-acceptance, allowing him to self-actualise, to integrate.

Cas saved Dean’s life AND saved Dean from his crappy self-view. I mean. It’s kinda fucking remarkable that this reading is right there for the taking.

So here we have the narrative ticking boxes like JAYSUS, yeah?

Let’s look it:

Dismantling the toxic masculinity ideal

Non-performance

Open communication and honesty

Self-acceptance leading to self-worth leading to self-actualisation

Integration

Clear sense of identity

Learning to let go of need for control

Learning to trust

Feeling deserving of happiness and embracing it

Teamwork and sharing responsibility/not feeling it’s all on him

Believing in deserving to have a future

The world balanced out (no more firewall)

And this, all of it, is thanks to LOVE.

Because this is a story about love and... love.

So Dean being able to integrate thanks to Cas’ love is, to me, all about Dean opening himself up to the fact that what he wants, truly wants, and has always wanted (and needed, for that matter) is to be loved for who he is, and to allow himself to feel that very same unconditional love for another.

In the act of letting go of needing Cas back to somehow validate that love or validate Dean actually truly being deserving of receiving and giving love, we get the unconditional aspect of it underlined. There’s no dependency anymore. No fear attached to the emotion. Just the love itself, untouched by death. The healthy side to that profound bond that’s always kind of tripped these two up before. I mean. I think it’s kind of breathtaking.

Also, I’ve been told there’s an application that we see on Dean’s desk for him to get a job as a mechanic, which seems to me an underlining that Dean is looking to the future and in so doing is shown to feel deserving of happiness and embracing it. Something that I feel is established at the beginning of the episode, even without this detail, but is brought into focus thanks to it.

Dean doesn’t want to die. He has no desire to die. The implication being that he’s trying to make the best of what he’s got and is completely honest with himself about what he wants. Not owning a bar, but working on cars. The good side of John getting a nod, or so I would say. Especially poignant in an episode so heavily focused on Good Father Figures.

I haven’t seen the detail of this application for myself though, I just trust my sources. :)

Now we get to the meatier part of this reading: Dean and Sam.

What do we have left on the list of hopes and wishes of stuff to be addressed as pertaining to Dean?

We’ve got:

Ending the codependency

Putting the past to rest

Letting go of Protect Sammy as predominant purpose

Letting go of fear

No more Butch and Sundance/blaze of glory ending

I wonder if you might already be seeing where I’m going with this, but for good measure, let’s discuss the death scene and what it narratively results in for Dean and for Sam.

Dean and Sam end up in that barn because they’re two men who will not stand for harm coming to innocent lives, especially when those innocent lives belong to two little kids. This is who they are at their core.

Dean is killed by a vampire wearing a mask. Yeah. Someday perhaps I’ll make proper sense of it. Point is: Dean is impaled on a rusty nail that imbeds itself in his heart and sort of holds him together until the moment of his passing, giving him time to ask his brother to stay (zero performance and only vulnerability) and tell Sam exactly what Sam has always meant to him.

Which, for Dean, is vulnerability on steroids. Honesty times one thousand. In your face true identity flares of beauty.

This scene is stunning. When I watched it the second time around last Saturday I was blown away. Jensen makes this scene what it is, because it is such an absolute mirror of Dean’s scene with Cas and the differences to Jensen’s acting choices are paramount to the emotional significance of either. (oh Misha was extremely paramount to the declaration of love, don’t get me wrong, but here we have Jensen pivotally impactful, since he’s in both)

And through this mirroring we have two major threads of this narrative on display and effectively highlighted and tied up: the familial vs the romantic.

Because this is a story about love and... love.

The thing that I’ve been turning over in my head a lot is the codependency aspect here. I’ve had issues with it. Could it only be broken by Dean’s death?

And no, I don’t think that’s what’s happening here at all.

This moment is absolutely about the codependency breaking. In part. But it’s also about Dean going out bittersweetly, suddenly, without any glory or blaze, and it’s a very human, very real, very grounding moment to me for his arc: he didn’t expect it to be today, but it is.

*i’m seriously cry*

And Sam’s grief is so raw. I wish Sam had gotten to break away on his own. I’ll always wish that for him. That he could’ve seen his worth as a leader and leaned on that and on his love for Eileen, but Sam’s arc was always, always dependent on Dean’s progression, and this is what Dean’s arc needed in his final moment: clarity, honesty, trust, faith, letting go. A voicing of the fear, of the past, of what got them here, of the dependency - it was always you... and me - and both of them choosing, in the moment, to recognise the finality of it.

The entire show has revolved around these two men’s absolute inability to let go of each other and the stupidity and recklessness this inability has resulted in. Choice after choice serving to bring about the near apocalypses they’ve kept finding themselves in.

And reflecting itself in that has been the dependency Dean has felt for Cas’ presence, his annoyance and worry and fear whenever Cas has disappeared, how Dean’s progression has stopped in its tracks whenever Cas has been removed from the narrative.

So for this scene of the familial love allowing a letting go of that dependency to reflect itself once more so beautifully in how the romantic love allowed for a letting go of that dependency is kind of. I don’t even know. Everything glitters?

Dean finding peace ultimately has everything to do with having met, known and fallen in love with and having been loved by this angel of his.

But is that canon?

I mean, it’s subtextual canon, which is good enough for me, because it was all I ever expected and it’s such a blatant statement through the couples in love losing each other leading into Dean and Cas losing each other that there’s just no doubt in my mind how we’re meant to be understanding what these two men mean to each other, and from that draw the conclusions of what it is that’s influencing Dean’s moment of integration.

Does Dean’s death make a statement that happiness and love can only be found in death?

No. It really does not. Because that’s not what the narrative message is. Because Sam finds love and happiness by living his life. And I sincerely disagree with Sam being depicted as being depressed his whole life (the way Dean was with Lisa) because he lost his brother. Sure, there could’ve been pictures of all the found family when Sam is on his death bed, but he’s also thinking about the brother he lost and that’s simply a visual establishing of this fact. Could there have been more? Sure! But that doesn’t mean that all Sam cares about was Dean for all his life, living it in grief and loss.

Sam loves his son, helps his son, laughs with his son, is a good father figure to his son, and this thread is pulled on throughout the episode: the good father figure thread.

Dean’s goodbye to Sam isn’t just a brother saying goodbye to a brother.

It’s a father bidding farewell to his child. It’s a father gently relieved to not have to watch his son die. To get to go first. And yes, sure, that’s sad, but it’s also very human and real and says so much about their relationship.

Dabb era has hit the father/parental thread so hard that the Good Father thread running through this episode makes perfect sense to me.

Dean goes to Heaven not to find Cas, not expecting Cas to be there, but finding Cas there all the same (reward for letting go and having faith that if he’s meant to, and why wouldn’t he be, then he’ll see Cas again *headcanon*), and more than that, learning that Cas has made Heaven what it is now, moved Heaven away from trapping souls in endless memory loops (which was benevolent enough, but completely missed the point of what it means to be human) and that now there’s discovery and exploration and more life to be lived, because Heaven is overflowing with free will, with choice, with all the possibility for longevity and happiness.

The eternity that Dean deserves.

Created for him by Cas.

Cas ensuring Dean’s death is not an ending, but a beginning. That it’s not a prison for Dean’s mind, but instead a homecoming, filled with the prospect of reconnecting with all the people Dean has ever cared about, ever loved.

I mean, the fact that Cas’ prevailing faith in Jack has enabled all this is like strobe lights for the fucking brain.

And the irony is that while I focused entirely on how Cas needed to be grounded and choose to live a human life on Earth, the narrative had other plans (okay yeah the writers) and instead brought Dean to Heaven, and immortality.

It takes away the final obstacles for giving these two a happily ever after.

It also reflects itself in how Mary, in Heaven, is “complete”. She’s with John. She’s at peace. She’s happy. And who have always been fairly strongly tied (through mixtapes and whatnot) to Mary and John Winchester? Yeah.

Also, Cas the angel will never age and will never die, and him with human Dean, watching Dean grow old and die only to go visit Dean in his little Heaven always made me depressed. Human!Cas took care of that, but left the Heaven conundrum wide open. And now it’s just gloriously fixed.

And, speaking of, Cas got to FIX HEAVEN. And he’s fixing it together with his son. All of that faith, all of that struggle, completely rewarded. And Cas building that Heaven in wait for Dean to arrive, because if Dean hadn’t died in that barn (take me back to the night we met...) Dean would’ve died at some point, and Cas can wait, he just wants to make sure there’s happiness waiting for Dean when he arrives. I’m sorry but OMFG. I’m just so happy for our Castiel!!

Could Dean not know happiness on Earth?

I think he was on his way. I think there would always be that pain and that fear, but he was ready to accept that and make the most of it and live his life. Only... his heart is missing, because his heart went away, and perhaps there’s this chance that he’ll find it again, because he always has before, but he doesn’t know, and he doesn't expect it, and that’s okay, he can wait, and then he’s brought to Heaven, and there it is, and he smiles that smile and Heaven is basically complete apart for one final piece.

Because of course Dean would wait for Sam.

Now. I realise this is my reading of this narrative. No one needs to accept it as the begin all, end all reading. I’m only hoping that it will offer a counterweight to the absolute and utter negativity being bandied around as the only true begin all, end all, because I do not see it or believe that it’s all there is to this finale.

There’s beauty here. And discounting it, at least the possibility of it, even if it’s not exactly what I’ve laid out in this reply, because of frustration of not getting textual Destiel is not doing anyone any good. We got subtextual Destiel, we got subtextual bisexual Dean, and it’s confirmed. To my mind, it’s confirmed.

That’s everything I ever dared expect. And that expectation came solely from how clear the subtext has always been, how invested the writers have seemed in it, and the actors too.

And Cas is canonically queer.

Which is fucking amazing and truly enormous and I’ll talk very gently about why I don’t feel his death was a case of BYG in a separate post, but Cas is alive in the narrative as it’s been presented to us, and he’s in love with Dean and they get to be together in the Heaven Dean deserves, remodelled for Dean by Cas. If that’s not the beginning of a happily ever after, then I don’t know what is!

Thanks for asking, love. I’ve been meaning to write all this down and have spent the afternoon doing so. It’s quite cathartic!

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profoundchaoscomputer · 3 years

Text

As time goes on

Summary:

“I will say this: I’m happy to be here with Jack. With you. And I love you. I love you both.”

This is a short fic Kate(@rathxritter) and me, Trev(@profoundchaoscomputer) wrote for the Destiel Partner Project (@destiel-partner-project). Thank you so much for this opportunity!

Kate, you were an awesome partner, all of our ideas complimented each other so well that that adding stuff and editing from you or me was always a delight, thank you so much!--Trev

Fic under the cut, alternatively you can also read it here https://archiveofourown.org/works/30576530

As time goes on

Late November. Knotty and naked branches tower themselves against the sky, dark outlines in the afternoon sun. The ground is covered in leaves and the grass is barely visible like winks of a long gone summer, spotted amidst the sea of warmer colors - yellow, orange, red and rich browns seem to make the universe that time of the year. It's a breathtaking and ordinary scenery, autumn always is. Everyday beauty is often taken for granted, but for Cas it will always be a new miracle. The sidewalk, on the other hand, is mostly clear, yet there are some areas of it where the leaves remain untouched, rotting away as they are being walked on, cracking under people's shoes as their heels click on the pavement.

Sometimes Cas thinks he is like those yellow checkered rooting away leaves.

...Once had he basked on the glory of a foolish leaf, proud stagnant, evergreen, timeless, aimless, clutching blindly to the tree, rain, wind, snow, only knowing of heaven above, but never about the dirt of the ground...to be still is to be alive?

Only after he fell, he understood, to fall is to become alive, it hurts, unthetered, weightful death sentence, to decide to root away.

And it took too much time to realize, but isn't all life beautiful because it's so ephemeral? so the past is treasured, today is a miracle, and tomorrow is a gift: to become a golden leaf and covered in spots, proof of every breath, copper, orange, red. The leaves fall and Cas falls, wrinkles and lines, aching muscles and tender joints, alone at times, but now trying something, with Dean, Jack, a family found along the way. Dancing along the wind, against tempest and arid times, getting muddy and dirtied, alive, along warm gusts and gentle times, and becoming crumpled leafs, laughing and crying at the mercy of time.

So times moves and flows away and now is a worthy day to note, It's a sunny day, as warm as the later autumn afternoon allows, and the, otherwise clear blue sky, is studded with some solitary clouds - dirty white that verges on grey, they look as if someone painted them on a canvas using the finest watercolours and the most exquisite brushwork.

It's a sunny day and the air smells of rotten apples, oozing resin, and frost. It's the smell of death and destruction, of glimmering hope. A welcoming smell, the smell of life, so lulling and comforting, that fills people's nostrils as they go on with their day. The smell of home, an active reminder that life is to be treasured.

"How does the story end?" asks Jack as he hands Cas a paper bag, the bookshop's logo printed on it with bright red letters.

"How do you want it to end?" Cas asks, smiling.

He knows the stories that Dean tells Jack, the ones he half reads and ends up making as he goes, stuffing in his own share for who knows what reasons. The thing is they both laugh and the red hooded girl surely doesn't have a shapeshifter, last time he checked. Overheard some of them while passing through the small living room in order to get outside and speak on the phone with Sam.

It's their thing and he tries not to cross lines and wriggle in - Dean tells stories and does all the voices, Jack laughs, Dean laughs: a complete picture that doesn't quite need him there, an intimate bubble of two as he has his own with Dean and another one with Jack too and its Dean's "job" to put Jack to sleep. So he doesn't ask, Dean doesn't speak about it. It's healthy for Jack to grow different relationships with them on their own.

Still, he does know about them and listens more often than he would care to admit, from behind the door, feeling like a stranger in his own house.

About the ordinary tales of overcoming evil and suddenly there are Vampires and Djins and it's always about not giving up no matter how scared and angry one may feel. It's about children being allowed to be children even in a world of danger and Dean's voice oozing vulnerability as well as hurt.

There were times he had considered taking his hand only to step away before he could be seen, Dean has allowed himself to be this vulnerable in front of Jack as his own kin. He couldn't mess up this trust and growth with selfishness.

Jack looks down distractedly and kicks some leaves, causing them to rustle, crack and scatter. Soon enough found a clump of leaves and decided it was good enough to swim on them. It's the contrast that makes Cas think and stop a bit, Jack so joyful on a blanket of cracked corpses, life playing with death, handfuls of leaves on Jack's hands, a handful of ashes, ashes to ashes, a pool of dead yet life stills blooms so beautifully and hopeful, death and creation, hand by hand, as time goes by.

"I don't know," says Jack as he picks up an acorn from the mess he just made and studies it attentively before stuffing it into the pocket of his Jacket. Lately, they've been the hiding place of all sorts of hidden treasures - acorns, buttons, funny looking rocks, and empty shells - later taken out and displayed on the shelves in his bedroom, right next to his Paddington books and carved animal statuettes.

He laughs, "Dean always puts a lot of death in them."

"Does he?" asks Cas.

"Sometimes they are all alone. I don't mind, they make me want to live!" he says, his chirpy laughter echoing through the air, soon followed by thunderous stomping: Wellington boots, yellow with a bee pattern printed on them, splashing water from a puddle on the grass.

Castiel sighs and carefully sits down on the battered bench in the small park. Its wood is ruined and the paint is peeling off and soft moss is thriving in those places where the material never quite manages to completely dry off. A wet bench, but still appreciates it with a crack of back bones.

"Well," he says, holding back a grimace of pain. "I think you and Dean may both be right when you say that it's about feeling alive."

Jack nods solemnly in agreement. "And what about the children? They climb trees and drink lemonade, but what happens after that."

"They do everything their own way and they are good at that."

"Dean can do it better." Jack puffs loudly.

"Then you should ask him as soon as he comes back." Cas smiles.

"I think I will. Can I give you something?" asks Jack.

"Yes, of course."

"I'll get it soon," he says and walks away, running around through the leaves, freely, squealing in delight.

A knot forms at the back of Cas's throat as he watches his son play in the autumn scenery. Life and death keeping each other company, effortlessly interconnected in an endless cycle. So loud the sound of his youth, Jack waranders off, bubbling with raw energy, entropic in a contagious way that Cas can't help but melt a bit on this warm brightness and he laughs too. Bittersweet, yeah, that's life for you. Something hopeful, the sound of a child's laughter and his fatherly love, brightening everything - precious and blossoming, always, amidst death and horror preventing the future from turning into ashes and mingling as equal with the past.

"This is for you," says Jack, out of breath, proud, stretching out his arm and handing Castiel a yellow leaf with green edges. "You can press it and frame it like they showed me in school."

"Thank you, Jack. This is... lovely. This is lovely, I like it." He smiles softly, fondness washing over him.

He looks at the gift, studying it as he turns it around, and wonders how much Jack knows about his own state. Does he know he chose to be a rooting away leaf too?

Cas fell, a long time ago, changing so completely, that his former self is nothing but a distant memory. Now Cas can look at the situation with more clarity of judgement, as he clearly lacked for more time than he could care to admit: in falling, he became alive and while it hurt and had at some point felt like a death sentence, life was, is, and will be beautiful with its alternating ups and downs.

But again, being alive is always too much, so stuffed with messy feelings, whirling fiery tempest, it becomes crowded, on edge, flammable as well as vulnerable, scalding in a slow simmering way, such that he would call worse than falling.

Meeting for the first time fear in a not immediate war or easily numbing adrenaline to survive, and thus being laid bare to see himself in the mirror and being bombarded with all the truths he didn't want to hear, scared of being alone, despite having Jack, Dean, and everyone else too; afraid of this too good looking second chance usually so monomaniacally forbidden and his guilt biting so hard he feels like choking on every breath, whispering his worst thoughts, over and over like broken record, all his faults, all his "greater good" soaking his hands in blood, what is to deserve when one has betrayed, what is a right when one has killed and done the unspeakable, what is to have freedom when each breath tastes of regret, what is peace when silence draws despair. On top of it now powerless, his own human body with the aching joints and cold bones… being at the mercy of time rather than being above it.

Because time now moves and flies away, slipping through his finger. Ticked away by clocks. Irrevocable hours leaden circles travelling through the air and ultimately dissolving.

Blinding shrieks of fear and self consciousness slowly started to become a hum and then days turn into weeks and weeks into months, one season following the other and the world changing, subtly at first, adjusting to the rising and dropping temperature and the inclement weather. Too hot and then too cold, and the months of adjustment in between for a couple of weeks with perfect temperatures and no sudden changes. Soon, it will be winter once more: the first frost has already started to beautify the windows, leaving white and translucent intricate patterns on glass, and the weather is changing - rain and strong winds as announced by the weather forecast daily after the six o’clock news.

Some of it, he'll never get back. Those sorry months and years he'd relive by reentering the moment and changing it radically from within by doing everything right are long out of question and he wouldn't risk fate and destiny to make a miracle again to break from Chuck's narrative. This time, he'd do everything right by being less prideful and avoid arguments to grow bigger and bigger until the smallest of things, enlarged in disproportion, left nothing but annoyance and anger in their wake - arguments breaking like thunder, rumbling, filling the air and making it unbearable to stand there and wonder, even for just a moment, whether love may not remain buried one day, out of reach.

The first year had been the most difficult: they had discovered at their own expense that love declarations and dreams of a speckless wonderful future were hardly enough and never actually helped in making things easier. Nothing would ever be enough. One simple truth then, which they had learned the hard way: happy endings did not exist, only endings, and even those were neutral and subject to change. No happy ever afters that tied up all ends at the last page, no sweetly dull every day epilogue. Life simply kept going, as ugly as it was before, as beautiful as it was before. They kept being the same people they were before, with all their faults and virtues, all their nightmares and dreams. Defeating the "biggest bad of the book" did not erase all of their inner troubles, maybe one or two, yes, but how many more were inside of each of them?

Dean's fear of abandonment and Cas' own desperate need to be useful had proven to be the most explosive and dangerous mix. And thing is, they couldn't forgive each other, not a particular one big reason, just too many piled up and carried over the years and while they could forget and move on, deep in their heart they couldt forgive, not really, and the topics they so desperately tried to ignore stood in their way, holding them back.

So twelve months of Castiel repeatedly leaving, he needed to hunt, to be useful, got himself head first into the line of fire so to see that his hands, while bloody, still saved lifes; sound of gunshot to shush his mind out of the accusing mirror, a warrior will always be a warrior and he had been a commander of garrisons, and so he went out and jumped from hunt to hunt with all kinds of hunter strangers until exhaustion could give him a good night sleep, weeks upon weeks and Dean's accusations following him out of the door, you'll always abandon me.

So twelve months of Dean drinking, as Cas's remarks no doubt rung in his ears, you're slowly becoming like your father. Dean didn't know what to do with his life, depression weighing him down so hard there were only some days he could get himself out of bed, tearing at the seams without a fight to pull himself together and so he drank, Cas's words ringing into his head like poison along the bitter aftertaste of a finished bottle.

Neither of them should have said those things although he couldn't find the strength to do anything but hold his refusal to stand on Jack's side against Dean. Dean should have asked him to stay, he should have made it clear that there was no need to be useful in order to stick around. A vicious cycle, separating them more and more, and not quite a trial - had it been one, there wouldn't have been one person who wasn’t guilty.

The second year had no room for openings, just anger as they moved like in a quagmire, the snappiness of the first year replaced with inertia. Dean threw himself into work, dirt on his jeans. Cas went to the bunker with Jack and a duffle bag stuffed with their belongings. The bunker had become some sort of hunter's sanctuary and he enjoyed the work. They did talk, but simply not enough, and refused to show themselves vulnerable - no mutual consolation, no touching, and the frail assumption that they were still on each other’s side crumbling in front of them and leaving them dismayed.

After two and a half years, on a ghastly hot summer evening, Dean leapt for the first time, really, showing nothing but fearfulness and saying, as he looked at Castiel stripping in front of him, were you going to tell me that you almost died or… It had been an accusation, the tone used made it clear, the half healing wound still patched on Cas's side inbeetwen them and their heavy silence, but there had been something else too - genuine worry and affection. They had shared a bullet of a look. Then they had kissed, desperately, hungrily, and had sex - consuming their relationship: They understood it and enjoyed it, but were still out of their depths when it came to the rest: awkwardness settling as soon as they were back in their clothes. He and Jack had left the following morning and the rest of the year had been spent abroad working on helping the international community of hunters to create a network bound to help supernatural creatures rather than killing them.

It had been the year of endless night and unsparing insomnia, wondering how to rebuild a relationship when you were also mourning one? Different versions of themselves are forever lost in time, the angel and the soldier boy, the runaway and the righteous man, the falling and the protagonist. He had spent so much time looking for something, a warning sign that they had somehow ended that loop of misery, to face the present and stop grieving the past, sorrow and unhappiness that he hadn’t actively recognized the beginning of it all, only widening the gap further. Polished surfaces and volcanoes inside - a mess of feelings, a mess of thoughts, and no way to escape them and make sense of it all. They had been prisoners of their own fears and their history had stood between them. They had spent the end of the year, retreating: each question met either by silence or elusive answers that ultimately meant nothing. It had been fake and lacked depth, the peace they tried to build when both lacked courage: they had built up a facade and spent their time together pretending that they could start from scratch. They couldn’t. He was still angry at Dean, Dean waa still angry for a multitude of reasons Cas didn't even want to know, and still for what happened with Jack, Cas didn’t dare breathe a word. And every word that wasn't about the truth, it was another shovel to bury the thing that was between them.

At the end of the third year, they had come back and they had stayed at the bunker for two whole weeks rather than a couple of days.

He had spent some ten months trying to find the right words to tell Dean that he was considering hunting less and less - wounds healed too slowly and he wasn't getting any younger. He had tentatively enquired about Dean only to find out that Dean was doing better - therapy and AA meetings and the Impala had been sold to some teenage girls. They had met, Castiel had asked about Dean’s new lodgings, Dean told him. Dinner. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. On and on like starting from scratch. Things settled, slowly, by falling into place and one night Dean asked him to sleep in his room rather than on the sofa and they talked, opened their hearts, raw and exposed, the darkness making it less awkward and easier: like talking to the idea of a person, depersonalization at its best, a space that had welcomed them and liked them as much as they liked it. Hours passed and in the morning things were different - calmer, easier. They had no more tears left to cry and no more apologies to make.

It seems almost impossible now, four years on, to remember life as it was in all its tiniest details - the bigger picture there, but lacking the intrigue and the excitement there might have been on different occasions. It’s no longer bloody and vengeful, an endless and vicious cycle where violence only led to more violence, spiralling out of control and slipping away, out of fingers, no way out. The feeling of it is familiar yet new, something that he had a long time ago, perhaps briefly, a fading memory that never existed, to begin with, secluded to the realm of dreams and conditionals. Something missing, always and unconsciously so, the feeling of longing always blooming in his chest: for something. Pointing his finger and putting a name to it is easier now as things slowly begin to come into shape.

Castiel closes his eyes, tilting his head back, chin held up high. The sun is warm on his skin, shining in through the naked branches, but his cheeks are reddened by the cold. Wrapped in his winter coat already, all buttoned up and one hand stuffed in his pockets. The sunbeams look golden and create dancing shadows on the ground, and he just stays there, still and motionless, and at peace, as he listens to Jack play in front of him.

Somewhere, through open windows, a song plays faintly though he may just be imagining it, lyrics echoing in his mind for days on end. Come and take my whole life, you are everything I want. You are everything… Mulling over them and wondering, impossible to stop, rolling and rapid. It’s peacefulness as if he spent an entire afternoon crying while sitting on a chair, though he can’t really claim to be an expert on the subject. It’s contentment and residual happiness that sometimes mixes with annoyance and anger, arguments breaking out like thunder, rumbling. Yet, still, love and happiness at simply existing, being alive, being human. The fullest and most satisfying existence, feeling things, and waking up in the morning with the sun shining in through the window, filtering through the curtains and painting the room gold as dust dances in the air in a mesmerizing pattern. Next to Dean too, a couple of moments in amicable silence before the day begins - lying there, mouth filled with the metallic taste of sleep, lazily and whispering, good morning. Time for healing.

When he opens his eyes again, the air is luminous, like St. James’ Street on a summer morning right after a decent drizzle. The light reflects on every surface and makes the air appear bright and filled with light, the edges of reality seem softened and the appearance is almost dreamlike. From down the street, Dean walking towards them holding the bags with the shopping.

“Look at who’s coming,” he says, catching Jack’s attention.

“Dean!” squeals Jack, delighted, as he runs towards him.

“Cas. No need to get up, just make us some space, will you?” Dean replies as he puts the shopping bags down, leaning them against the bench's legs. Then, before taking Jack into his arms, holding him close, he kisses Castiel’s cheek and adds, “Jack, buddy, I’ve missed you too. I’ve got something for the two of you.”

“What’s that?”

“Wait,” He stretches his arm out. “Here you go. First tangerine of the year, not too expensive. Hell, thought we deserve some after everything we went through.”

“I want a segment!” Yells Jack. Jack grabs for the piece of fruit in Dean’s hand, looking at it with fascination and entertainment at the uneven sphere of the citrus, before handing it over to Cas.

“Thank you.”

As soon as Cas starts peeling the citrus fruit, the smell fills the air. He always liked the smell of it - upbeat and cheerful, penetrating and warm. Reminiscing of cedarwood and lavender, clove too. Christmas-y. One of the happiest and most irrelevant things, easily going unnoticed, every gesture is done dismissively, instinctively and without paying too much attention. Fingertips digging into the exocarp, passing through the albedo, and removing the peel altogether - one piece at a time. Dean’s eyes are on him, he feels it, sees it with a sideways glance, studying his every move, as Jack wriggles and gurgles, impatiently waiting for his segment.

“What?” asks Cas without turning around.

“Nothing,” Dean replies as he accepts a segment just as Jack stuffs his into his mouth. “Jack, you’re making a mess of yourself. - a pause, again to Cas - I mean, this… all of it. - Dean looks at the autumn scenery, gestures widely, to the leaves and the threes, Jack, the clear sky, Cas, dazed but in a good way - I don’t know. I like it. Hell, I love it.”

“Selcouth.”

“What?”

“The word you’re looking for, I think. Rare and extraordinary.”

He’d add ‘unexpected’ to the list too, but that one to himself. It’s one thing to say that one wouldn’t be happy anywhere else with anyone else, another thing to make it work. Admittedly it took some time, irrelevant weeks after twelve years of tentatively tip-toeing around the other - this far and no further, deferring and agreeing, evading and never thinking about it, not really, not after the first couple of years. They seem to have the grasp on the ongoing juggling of the time at their disposal and days are uneventful, repetitive: he works, Dean goes to therapy and cares about the house, they play with Jack.

Twice a week Dean attends AA meetings and evenings are spent trying to make Jack sleep without having to read ten different bedtime stories and doing all the voices. And time passes, seasons change. A whole year, he sometimes reminds himself. Unbelievable. Selcouth.

And Cas examines amused these little white threads of tangerine he tears from his own segment, frail as the heart, wonder and fear, with care, like life, weaving silly braids for the sake of it, fingers clumsy, vines lacing fingers, each feels like a promise, for you, for me, feeble yet together so strong, sometimes they break, frustrated, yet not giving up, sometimes we manage a fine work, proud of a miracle yet so natural, a string of hope, a string to life, life is a tangerine and we are leaves along the wind.

Maybe he should marry Dean - Cas distractedly thinks, to which he can't help but feel the corner of his lips pulling.

“What?”

“You’re in a good mood,” says Dean.

“Could say the same thing about you.”

“Oh, look at you,” says Dean looking away, retrieving a clean handkerchief from the pocket of his Jacket and wiping Jack’s face clean.

“I need you to be honest with me, Cas.”

“I am honest with you, Dean.”

“I don’t wanna lose you. I don’t want you to die out there.”

“I’m not going to die out there, not violently.” Castiel nods and smiles fondly, affection and tenderness washing over him in waves. It's a warm silence, a promise, the sun is out and about today. Dean looks at him like the only thing in this world and leans in for a kiss, making him feel as if he swallowed a box of fireworks instead, and this time the kiss has a citric aftertaste. Shooting stars on a summer night, dropping like a thousand suns, speckled fireworks, sunny galaxy to cup in his hands, warm and ticklish, rumble laughter and stubble, soft and rough, sweet and bitter, bliss and life, so alive, for a moment Cas is again grateful of falling: so beautiful, so much like Dean.

“I will say this: I’m happy to be here with Jack. With you. And I love you. I love you both.”

#Destiel Partner Project #DPP #Destiel #Deancas

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gibelwho · 4 years

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Top 5: Best Films of 2019

2019 was another momentous year for me - spent the first half of the year living at my in-laws house while we waited to move into our forever home, then spending the back half of the year doing house projects as we slowly unpacked. We weren’t consistently heading to the cinema, but we’ve done a race to fit in many more films before the Oscars, which was held this past weekend and where Parasite made history as the first foreign language film to win Best Picture. This is my second year in a row publishing my thoughts on ranking the past year in cinema, so despite the many life changes, excited to keep the tradition going.

Gibelwho Productions Presents Best Films of 2019

5. Marriage Story

4. Parasite

3. Little Women

2 Jojo Rabbit

1917

Marriage Story (November 2019): The film, written and directed by Noah Baumbach, explores the unraveling of a marriage, where the two people are navigating their way through divorce and must forge some sort of ongoing relationship for the sake of their son. The story is an exploration of identity - being part of a couple, emerging as an individual, surviving as a parent, and balancing one’s career. Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver shine in their performances, finding the truth in each scene, displaying the humanity of flawed people, and really going at it during their epic meltdown fight. The supporting cast is stellar as well, delivering moments of humor, ugliness, and empowerment - notably Laura Dern’s speech about society’s different expectations placed on mothers and fathers. Filmed on location in New York and Los Angeles, the story casts a devastating eye on how two people who have separated can still retain some love in the face of heartbreaking agony.

Parasite (October 2019): A film that starts off as a comical exploration of a poor family slowly infiltrating the house of a rich family in Seoul, then shifts halfway through to become a suspenseful thriller with sequences of violence. Co-writer and director Bong Joon-ho explores the nature of the upstairs / downstairs dynamic, not only having the story center on those in service of the rich family, but also with the production design of the two houses featured in the film. The rich family lives far above the main streets in a multi-level home, with stairs that lead up to a beautifully manicured garden; the poor family’s living quarters is in the lower section of town, they live below the streets, and must contend with the danger of flooding. Avoiding spoilers, a third set of staircases hold a secret that ultimately spells danger for both families. This film has made Oscar history and has opened more people up to the world of International cinema; as Joon-ho said so eloquently in one of his acceptance speeches: “Once you overcome the one-inch tall barrier of subtitles, you will be introduced to so many more amazing films.”

Little Women (December 2019): Adapting a classic novel for the modern era, especially one that has been relatively recently brought to the silver screen, one must insist on bringing an original take - or why else bother. Writer and director Greta Gerwig not only took on that challenge, but elevated the material to a higher degree than has been achieved in previous adaptations. Splitting up the linear story into two timelines allowed a commentary on the past and present that gave more life to the characters and depth to their journeys. Having never read Little Women, I was enchanted by discovering these characters brought to life by a terrific ensemble, including Saoirse Ronan, Florence Pugh, and Timothee Chalamet. Additionally, Gerwig pens an ambiguous ending that will satisfy book readers who felt betrayed by character turns that Louisa May Alcott felt pressured to deliver for publishers in 1868, but that didn’t feel true to her character’s spirit.

Jojo Rabbit (October 2019): Imagine writer and director Taika Waititi pitching his adapted screenplay to studio executives: a story that centers on a young boy growing up in Nazi Germany, who attends the Hitler Youth camp, and whose invisible friend is Adolf Hitler himself. Oh yes, and it will be a comedy, tragedy, hopeful, heartbreaking, hilarious, and shocking - dancing between the shades of tones and the audience will follow along with each beat. What makes this film succeed is the casting of Roman Griffin Davis, who despite his love for swastikas, steals the heart of the viewer with his earnest innocence and hilarious delivery, along with his interaction with his little friend Yorki (Archie Yates), his Hitler Youth leader (Sam Rockwell), and the Jewish girl he finds hidden in the upstairs bedroom (Thomasin McKenzie). Waititi is a genius filmmaker, who took all his Marvel Cinematic Universe clout and made a film about the dangers of youth growing up in the time of fascism, preaching an anti-hate message that the world needs to be reminded of in these nationalistic times.

1917 (December 2019): A film that centers on one technical conceit - that a full length feature film is constructed as one continuous shot - could fall under the weight of that enterprise, but 1917 delivers on all fronts - artistically, emotionally, and yes, technically. While the film is not actually one long shot, whole sequences are sustained for minutes on end, an environment more accustomed to theater actors than those working in film and one that brings a weight of reality to the character’s journey. Due to the story - two men must cross No Man’s Land to deliver an urgent message to a general that could save thousands of lives - the leads are constantly moving, through trenches, across the muddy no man’s land, through fields and streams, and finally the battlefield. The camera follows them through tight interior spaces and open fields, finding inventive ways to track their movements in the war zone. The two leads (George MacKay and Dean-Charles Chapman) deliver incredible performances as they slog through the countryside, encountering incredible British actors for short, yet powerful, scenes along the way. Co-writer and director Sam Mendes leads an incredible team that achieves cinematic glory and Roger Deakins proves for the second year in a row that he is producing the best work of his career. 1917 is not a traditional war film - through its formal choices, it endeavors to place the viewer directly inside the experience of soldiers in the First World War.

Honorable Mentions:

Knives Out (November 2019): A classic whodunit that involves a twist of all twists - solving the mystery halfway through the film; what can the movie possibly spend the rest of the runtime on? This is the genius of writer and director Rian Johnson - he somehow manages to ratchet up the tension and reveal deeper twists and turns that subvert genre expectations. A stellar cast supports the murder mystery, led by Ana de Armas, a lighthearted Jamie Lee Curtis who is chewy the scenery, and a broad performance by Daniel Craig as the lead investigator. Chris Evans’ winter sweater became the breakout star of the film and the production design included an epic knives sculpture that plays a vital role in the climax of the film.

Terminator: Dark Fate (November 2019): I am not a huge fan of the Terminator franchise - I’ve seen the first and second installments, but have skipped the rest of the sequels and never went for the television shows. I entered the viewing of this film with low expectations, and thus was pleasantly surprised by how feminist this film is. Linda Hamilton commands every moment of screen time, the enhanced human protector from the future was an incredible mix of strength and vulnerability, and even when Arnold enters the picture, he knows when to stand back when the women are in command. Yes, there is a totally ridiculous action sequence in a falling plane that defines reality and physics, but there are more moments of women communicating intelligently and emotionally and also women taking command and driving the action forward that fully impressed for what could have been a throwaway addition to the Terminator canon.

Avengers Endgame (April 2019): With this film, the MCU has concluded its first major story arc, wrapping up a 10 years long buildup of the Avengers and affiliated heroes fighting the Mad Titan Thanos in an epic battle. Yes, the film does build up to a climactic final battle, but it takes it’s time getting there, choosing instead to focus on how the character’s we’ve grown to love over the past decade deal with the Snap that killed friends and family and left the world a broken place. The plot really gets moving when a time travel element is introduced and, in one of several lovely tributes to my beloved Star Trek, brings the viewer back through memorable moments in the MCU’s history, layering on meta commentary or radically changing the shape of the past. This film was a bold risk to focus on character over spectacle (at least for a while) and to craft a fitting tribute for the two titans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe - Steve Rogers and Tony Stark.

Apollo 11 (March 2019): The American space program of the 1960s has long held a fascination in our household and so we rushed out to see the documentary that promised new footage for the seminal event that landed a man on the moon. To our delight, the film revealed itself to be a cinematic achievement as well. Director Todd Douglas Miller chose not to narrate the film with an omniscient voice; rather, choosing to fill the audio landscape with diegetic sound from contemporary source material - journalists asking questions in a press conference, back and forth between the astronauts and NASA headquarters, and newscasters reporting the progress to the nation. Some of the shots included in this film, all archival footage and some newly released 70mm material, are so beautifully composed and complex shots; it's an astonishment that this thoughtful filmmaking was done to capture one of the nation’s greatest achievements and this documentary honors that effort on its 50th anniversary.

#marriage story #parasite #little women #jojo rabbit #1917

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hawkland · 3 years

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Dear Smut4Smut creator

Letter for the 2021 Smut 4 Smut exchange

My AO3 profile: sidewinder

Thank you for writing or creating art for me! I know I’ll be thrilled with whatever you come up with for any of my requests. (And if I babble on or have more prompts for one ship than another, don’t take that as any kind of preference. Some I just am more specific in the kinds of smutty scenarios I’m requesting/wanting at this time, but I love them all the same.)

Please consider the requested tags all the “prompt” you need if so inspired, if none of my suggested scenarios and ideas inspire you. Also, of course, feel free to combine them or use only one as you see fit!

General Likes

Non-penetrative sex (especially in first-time scenarios). I love extended kissing scenes, frottage, mutual hand jobs, characters so turned on and overwhelmed that they come from barely being touched/before they can get all their clothes off, etc.

Romantic smut more than really kinky smut (though a bit of light bondage/restraint can be fun!)

That said, I have a definite weakness for wing!kink and tentacles... where appropriate :)

Generally stoic/repressed/strong characters breaking down and needing comfort/hugs/acceptance of their vulnerabilities

Inverted relationship power dynamics - in the sense of a seemingly older and/or more powerful character actually being less experienced in sex/romantic relationships, or having more doubts & insecurities, and needing the younger/less powerful character to take the lead or reassure them.

In art - I really love all styles of fan art and just seeing how different artists interpret my favorite characters. Seriously, and that’s not just a cop-out because I’m crappy at coming up with art-specific prompts.

General Do No Wants

A/B/O dynamics, mating heats

animal abuse/death

anything related to pregnancy/childbirth

formalized BDSM relationships

non-canon gender identities and/or sexual orientations except gay/bi/pan for requested ships/characters

scat/watersports

unrequested alternative-universe scenarios such as high school/genderswap/coffee shop/etc (however, canon-divergent AUs completely fine!)

Supernatural-Castiel/Dean Winchester

Fandom-specific Do Not Wants: Bad ending/unhappy-ever-after, Sam-bashing, any suggestions of Wincest

I confess I am a very new Destiel-shipper/SPN fan, having only gotten into the show late last year (post-finale.) So while I know there are mountains of stories already written about this ship, sometimes it’s nigh impossible to dig through it all to find stories that scratch the specific fic cravings I have. Hence all the prompts/ideas for them here, some of which I’m sure have been done to death already...but please humor me :)

Long Prolonged Make-Outs

Kissing All Over

Frottage

First Time Sex is Non-Penetrative

First Time with Partner of the Same Gender

Experience - Experienced/Inexperienced

Experience - Experienced Partner Lets Inexperienced One Explore Them

Playful Sex

Morning After (Incredible Sex the night before)

I love everything about newly-human!Cas in season 9 (and Cas’s hedonistic tendencies in general). I have to imagine that, as a human, he just feels things with an intensity that angels just don’t feel, as if with human lifetimes so condensed, their senses are intensified to make up for it in a way that would be overwhelming for a hugely powerful/nearly immortal creature like an angel.

So give me any story about Cas’ exploring and fully embracing the sensual pleasures of sex (with Dean). I love Season 9 canon-divergence fics where Dean lets him stay in the bunker. Perhaps after his first taste of sex with April, Cas wants to add to his experiences by having sex with a male-bodied human/someone he deeply cares about (ie, DEAN). Dean may still be struggling with his own internalized homo/bi-phobia but it’s hard for him to resist Cas with his insatiable curiosity about how the human body works, having no filters/no taboos and just wanting to taste/touch/experience until he/they both are completely overwhelmed.

Wings as Erogenous Zones

Wing Kink

I love wings and true-form Cas as well. In fact I’m totally okay with canon-compliant, post-finale fic in Heaven if it means Dean can finally see/experience Cas’s true form (or at least glimpses/parts of it) without dying (because, you know, already dead and all that.) Otherwise, I’m always up for AUs where Dean can sense/feel/see Cas’s wings (if Cas wants him to) and they are an incredible erogenous zone for the angel. Maybe even his most powerful one.

Touching All Over

Touch-starved character overwhelmed from seemingly innocent touches

Touch-starved

Awkward First Times

Trauma Recovery

thank god you're/we're alive sex

Tender Sex with Lots of Eye Contact & Barely Repressed Feelings

Tender Sex

Shame in Sexual Desires

Room-Wrecking Sex

Reunion Sex

Characters mutually pining finally get together and have amazing sex

Desperate Sex

Sex gets paused to deal with PTSD then maybe returned to

I’ll take all the Cas-is-back, ignore-the-finale fics that are possible. Give me touch-starved Cas after his rescue from The Empty. (Dean can be fully into immediately satisfying his needs or, for angst, still struggling with/unsure of his feelings/sexuality.) It’s tender and healing, or maybe it’s explosive with all those years of pent-up desire and needs. You tell me, I love it all!

Sex While Washing Off The Blood of Their Enemies

Sex While Covered In The Blood of Their Enemies

sex under the stars

Outdoor Sex

Car Sex - on the hood of a car

Car Sex - in the back seat

Hotel Sex

tender making out in a car

sex after a long car ride

For these tags, I’m thinking canon-divergent future-fic where Dean is getting older (maybe Cas is too, if he’s lost his grace), yet they still go out on hunts together on occasion to relive the “glory days”. (Sam’s happily settled down and out of the hunting life with Eileen). They enjoy post-hunt sex in the outdoors or in/on the car, or seedy motel, reveling in the adrenaline of the kill, reaffirming their need and love for each other. Yum.

Supernatural - Endverse Castiel/Dean Winchester/Endverse Dean Winchester

Desperate Sex

Threesome - M/M/M

Threesome - Character/Crush/Another Version of Crush

Turned On By Violence

One last fuck before you die

Drugs - Drug Use

Time Travel - Sleeping with older/younger version of someone you know in your own timeline

Time Travel - Sleeping with older/younger self

Pairing-Specific DNWs: None here. Go as dark as you want, since it’s Endverse.

Um, yeah. Pretty much what the tags suggest. Dean knows its freaky as hell but maybe he catches his future self and Cas having sex and they invite him in. Maybe he sees it as a chance to be with Cas (even this very different Cas) like he can’t in his own time. Castiel is totally messed up over seeing the man he had fallen in love with (and fallen from grace for) as he had been, back then, and can’t contain himself now that he’s gone so deep into carnal/hedonistic pleasures.

The Orville - Gordon Malloy/Ed Mercer

thank god you're/we're alive sex

"We Lived" Kiss Reveals Feelings

Stranded - On Another Planet/World With No Way Home

Huddling For Warmth Leads To Sex

on the run together

Desperate Sex

One last fuck before you die

Fandom-specific Do Not Want: No Kelly-bashing.

I’d love something set in the alternative universe/timeline of “The Road Not Taken”, where the Kaylons have won, leaving Gordon and Ed on the run together. Just, any kind of desperate situation where they know they could die at any moment, so they might as well seek whatever comfort, love and tenderness they can find being with each other.

Laughter During Sex

Awkward First Times

Friends to Lovers

First Time Sex is Non-Penetrative

Frottage

Something Made Them Do It

Drugs - Experimental Substance Has Weird Sexual Side Effects

Casual Sex while Secretly Pining

Laughter During Sex

Something fun and silly (and sexy), please, using any of these tags! The show just screams out for tropey “something made them do it” scenarios, be it due to aliens, alien food or drink, whatever. Otherwise I’d love a story where they realize they do have more serious feelings for each other than their (up til then) casual relationship has allowed.

The Good Place - Michael/Eleanor Shellstrop

Tentacles - Tentacle Sex

Tentacles

Xeno - Nonhuman Partner is Ashamed of Their Body

Experience - Experienced/Inexperienced

Awkward First Times

Laughter During Sex

romantic sex

Tentacles - Gentle and Tender Tentacle Sex with Lots of Caresses and Cuddles

Fandom-specific Do Not Wants: No Chidi-bashing (but also, no Chidi/Eleanor endgame references/suggestions).

The ship/canon where I will eternally want tentacle smut! Michael seems so ashamed of his fire-squid demon form. I want him to find out that Eleanor actually finds it kind of a turn-on and would love to find a way she could...experience it. Since we know Michael can create simulations/realities (like he does in “The Trolley Problem”), maybe he can create one where Eleanor can see/experience a version of himself that won’t, you know, destroy the entire neighborhood or burn her to a crisp?

Otherwise I’m good with any kind of first-time scenario in one of Michael’s “reboots” (or later on when they’ve figured things out and are in Michael’s Neighborhood Improvement Experiment). Awkward Michael figuring out his human body’s reactions to Eleanor, them having fun and romantic sex, would definitely make my heart happy.

#dear creator #smut 4 smut exchange #exchange letter

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sweetsmellosuccess · 4 years

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The Best (and Worst) Films of 2019

In many ways, 2019 served as a crucible, and no more so, at least cinematically, than with the venerable superhero flick. After a deluge of big studio films on the subject of capes and spandex (the MCU includes 22 films since the 2008 release of Iron Man; the nascent DCU, running it fits and starts has seven), we saw the explosive close-out of the previous “phases” with Marvel’s Avengers: Endgame; as well as the rise of pseudo art-house comic book film, Joker, in the same bloody year.

The talk on Film Twitter — the living definition of ‘tempest in a teacup’ — was all about those films, and Martin Scorsese’s now legendary take down of the genre by referring to the super hero films, collectively, as “theme parks.” But in truth, there were many, many other films that came out during the year, some of them utterly brilliant, some of them ridiculously awful. Here are my picks for both, with some of what I wrote about them at the time in my review.

10. Avengers: Endgame

“There are so many small but noteworthy details -- opening the film with Traffic's "Dear Mr. Fantasy"; the name drops, and special shout-outs to comics' fans; the small character beats that allow each protagonist more than just a quip or two; the closing credits, which give singular notice to the stars who have been there from the beginning, and wisely do not use the signature Marvel trick of teasing out the next film, which gives the series, at last, a sense of real closure, if only temporary -- the film feels as if it has been created and calibrated with the utmost care. For a film destined to break the bank no matter how shoddy they might have made it, Marvel has poured enough genuine soul into it to earn its inevitable bounty.”

Full Review

9. Her Smell

“In some ways, the film takes on a sort of Raging Bull aspect, Martin Scorsese's classic film about a boxer's rise and fall, only to turn the ending on its head. In Scorsese's picture, we see Jake LaMotta, now fat and retired, attempt to break into showbiz as a comedian, the scenes draped in cutting sardonicism. Perry gives Becky a much less punishingly ironic turn, but instead a hero's journey, venturing away from the abyss into something a good deal less grandiose and realized.”

Full Review

8. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

“It's also a film about the versions of the stories whose ideas lend depth and valor to our otherwise nondescript lives, the things we hope make us the heroes of our own narratives. In this way, Jimmie's story is conflated with that of the city itself, and the palpable sense of loss he feels about his family's house is mirrored in the city's own loss of identity.”

Full Review

7. Under the Silver Lake

“Mitchell fairly stuffs the film with portents, symbols, and runes, some real, some imagined. Squirrels mysteriously fall dead at Sam's feet, a parrot in his courtyard keeps calling out something he can't decipher, a dog killer stalks the neighborhood, and graffiti strewn about the area calls out to him. Films are always encoded with symbolic meaning, utilizing visual language to instill emotion and establish significance for the audience (think of Spielberg's girl with the red coat in Schindler's List, or James Dean's red windbreaker in Rebel Without a Cause), Mitchell's film gives us so many options, almost everything can be read symbolically, which perfectly captures the paranoia his character feels, and the pointlessness of trying to make sense of it at all.”

Full Review

6. Marriage Story

“Noah Baumbach’s latest film, about the dissolution of married couple – played extraordinarily well by Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson – will no doubt get comparisons made to Bergman’s brilliant Scenes From a Marriage. But whereas that 1972 film concerned the relationship itself, its highs and lows and metamorphoses, Baumbach’s film is much more about the logistics, legal and otherwise, of ending a very much shared life together.”

Capsule Review

5. Midsommar

“Viewing Aster's films is a bit like walking into an art installation -- quite literally, as he populates his frame with stunning compositions and art-focused mise en scene, as with the beautifully designed wooden structures of the compound, or the exquisite murals and art displayed on the building's walls (a huge shout-out to his production designer, Henrik Svensson, and the art directing crew) -- but, as with Hereditary, behind all the sumptuous, hand-crafted beauty, there is a cruel, brutal core of humanity's continued savagery. If art represents the best sort of impulses of humankind, in Aster's hands, it becomes yet another facade, hiding -- or in this case, exemplifying -- our instinct for vicious barbarity.”

Full Review

4. Parasite

“By the end, as it swerves inexorably into blood-soaked violence, the film reveals to be a bit of a con itself, drawing us in with its enticing humor, then opening up into a much darker vision, before ending on an emotional note of surprising vulnerability. Through it all, Bong shows a mastery of odd tones, from the opening comedic salvo, to the final emotional beats.”

Capsule Review

3. Uncut Gems

“It’s one of those pressure-cooker films, where the steam builds more and more intense as Howard gets in and out of trouble through his ability to constantly shift the playing board. There’s a scene about midway through, with various aggrieved characters coalescing at once in his office, as he’s trying to have a speaker phone conversation with his doctor, that’s so stressful, you will want to avert your eyes and remind yourself of the exit signs.”

Capsule Review

2. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

“It's also an unexpected joy to watch the nonchalant swagger of Pitt match up with DiCaprio's more high-strung ministrations. Two of the biggest film stars alive playing mostly washed up TV actors may stack the irony, but both of them settle in so well into their characters, you can't help but admire the result. Rick is a dude whose ego has gone from tumescent to shriveled -- he parks his car miserably in front of one of his own old movie posters -- but beneath all his hubris and despair, he actually has a lot of talent. As always, it's pure joy to watch Pitt smoke up a screen, a middle-aged Redford speaking every line with a sinfully breezy smile, whose confidence extends around him like the golden hue of his deep suntan.”

Full Review

1. Knives Out

“More than the plot itself, an ingenious and kinetic thing that's as satisfying as a hot bowl of soup on a raw and windy day, there's the sense of joyous chaos from the cast. Those scenes where the family is all together, in the drawing room and continually at each other's throats are so delicious, they should come with a napkin. The interplay between vets like Shannon, Johnson, Curtis and Collette is filled with fractious energy, the characters revisiting age-old disagreements ("Your kid's a brat!" -- "Your kid is a Nazi!") with sadistic glee. Even when they band together, in moments, against what they believe to be a common enemy, it's clear the harmony between them is more Iggy and the Stooges than Beach Boys. In short, Johnson has devised a perfect ensemble of dreadful characters and set them all against one another in a narrative fishbowl filled with lye.”

Full Review

Other Worthy Mentions:

Amazing Grace, American Factory, Apollo 11, Bacurau, Birds of Passage, Charlie Says, Cold Case Hammarskjöld, Dark Suns, Dark Waters, Ford v Ferrari, Greener Grass, In Fabric, John Wick 3, Jojo Rabbit, Luce, Midnight Traveler, Ms. Purple, Pain and Glory, Rewind, Something Else, Terminator: Dark Fate, The Farewell, The Hole in the Ground, The Irishman, The Lighthouse, The Nightingale, The Report, The Souvenir, The Vast of Night, This is Not Berlin, Us, Varda by Agnes, Vitalina Varella

Best Upcoming Releases of 2019

The Personal History of David Copperfield

The Burnt Orange Heresy

Bad Education

First Cow

The Worst Films of 2019

5. Greta

“In short, Jordan turns Greta into a Michael Myers-esque boogeyman, everywhere and no place at once, almost a phantom, but for her high heels and French condemnation. In this way, the filmmaker loses his grip on his material.”

Full Review

4. Ma

“Apart from a truly absurd script, director Tate Taylor's film performs ungainly political gyrations -- asking us to root against a survivor of sexual abuse and humiliation for trying to gain (albeit misplaced) revenge on her attacker. Sort of a rape-revenge thriller set upside down, such that nothing makes any ethical (or emotional) sense. It quickly becomes an awkward mishmash of impulses, wanting to provide cheap scares while fostering a deeply schizoid sense of sympathy, while managing to fail mightily at both.”

Full Review

3. The Dead Don’t Die

“Jarmusch's proclivities have always leaned toward such lightly affecting material -- as if the act of actually generating emotion is somehow vulgar and unseemly -- which has also endeared him to his faction of fans. For everyone else, though, it doesn't leave much to look at. Filmed without fanfare (albeit with a few more special effects than usual, and a kind of cool splattering of sand-like mist when the zombies are beheaded), and with the intensity knobs all turned down to their lowest setting, he continues his sous vide-style of filmmaking. Whether you like the dish he's serving, or want to throw your hands in the air and go somewhere else for dinner is all in your temperament. Whatever you choose, you can be certain the same menu will be available the next time you venture back.”

Full Review

2. Dark Phoenix

“The clearest loss, however, is with the story itself -- its legacy struck deep in Marvel lore -- once again being studio nitpicked, and focus-grouped to within an inch of its life. If Endgame audaciously proved a superhero movie could rise toward an emotionally satisfying arc, this failed attempt proves the opposite is also true: Chronic incoherence, even if spread out among a multitude of titles over 20 years, just feels like a soulless money grab. Adding to the sense of this film's slapdashery, the trailer features lines and moments unused in the actual cut, which is never a good sign.”

Full Review

1. Lucy in the Sky

“The film is meandering and pretty much pointless, a major flaw that Hawley himself indicated in his introduction (“we work as hard on the bad ones as we do the good ones,” he told the audience in an example of supreme foreshadowing. Portman does her best, but the film sputters pretty hard, and is never able to justify itself.”

Capsule Review

Other Dishonorable Entries:

The Aftermath, The Curse of La Llorona, Gemini Man, Glass, Hellboy, Joker

Inexplicably Overrated: Joker, The Dead Don’t Die

Biggest Welcome Surprise(s): Ford v Ferrari, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Most Bitter Disappointment(s): The Lodge, Wounds

Film That Critics Got Wrong: Waves

Best Film I Saw Last Year, Period: Scenes From a Marriage

#sweet smell of success #ssos #piers marchant #films #movies #the best and worst films of 2019 #knives out #parasite #once upon a time in hollywood #uncut gems #marriage story #the last black man in san francisco #midsommar #avengers: endgame #under the sliver lake #her smell

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webcricket · 5 years

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Castiel Imagine

Imagine: Castiel seeking you out for comfort and care after he is badly injured.

The motel’s sagging spring mattress and scratchy sheets don’t exactly provide a cushioned cocoon of slumber which makes the awakening instigated by a hollow pounding on the wooden door thinly shielding the room from the parking lot all the more rude in nature.

Groan vibrating your throat and the general darkened musty atmosphere, you grapple with the pillowcase for possession of the Glock tucked beneath. Hoisting your slumber numb form to the floor - an angrier sleeper even than Dean - you fully intend to flash the weapon at whatever drunk asshole stands beyond the barrier in the hope they piss themselves as divine retribution.

Wherever the Winchester brothers are tonight, you pray it’s quieter as you shuffle toward the origin of the midnight kerfuffle.

The owner of the fist not so gently rap-rap-rapping at the chamber door mumbles your name punctuated by a desperate choke of, “Please.”

Recognizing the gravelly tone as uncannily alike that of a certain angel of the Lord you know and care for profoundly, your brain informs your feet to pick up the pace. Lunging at the knob, fumbling with the chain at the same time, you yank at the door before the metal latch slides free.

Through the narrow crevice into the night, Castiel’s grimacing and pinched features loom; your name once again spills in a pained whisper from his pale lips. His eyes rise to settle on you, a plea for sanctuary swirls in the sea of blue.

“Cas, oh my god-” You mutter, struggling against the worry at his sudden appearance - not to speak of his actual injured appearance - speeding your heart- “hang on!” You manage, barely, to summon willpower enough in panic to close the door in his face in order to properly to liberate the lock.

He stumbles across the threshold; the mass of the man housing the multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent that is Castiel crashes over you like a wave.

Bracing a knee, you bolster his slumping vessel up long enough to pivot sideways to direct his momentum with the addition of spin toward the mattress. He hits the edge backward with a grunt, knees buckling to lay him out backward on the dilapidated double-sized excuse for coziness. Slamming the door hard enough to rattle the hinges, you give the graceful landing a 4 on a scale of 1 to 5, losing a point for the inharmonious protesting squeal of broken springs beneath his bulk.

“What happened?” you ask, quickly crossing closer to flick on the lamp. Sinking down beside him, you prod at the palm he presses tight to his torso. Fresh crimson spatters his shirt.

He resists your efforts to pry his hand aside.

“You’re bleeding,” you admonish. “Let me see.”

“I’m-” he strains, biting his tongue; seized by a jolt of agony - the argument lacks a convincing level of fervor given the judder- “not.” He gasps.

“You are,” you insist. He’s not even pretending to be stoic and that means it’s serious. You once saw him take an axe to the thigh, remove the weapon with a warning glare to hew the head from the shoulders of the offending vampire, and then run down another of the nest in spite of the incapacitated limb. “What happened?” you repeat the question and the demand. “Let me see.”

“Demon,” he grits through clenched teeth, in the same breath allowing the palm to be persuaded to lift; a blinding bolt of blue light blazes from a blood-ringed hole in his ribcage to swath the ceiling in ethereal glory. “Ambush,” he adds in explanation; in retrospect of thought, a husky laugh rattles his chest, squeezes past a painfully forced smile donned for your benefit. “The one who stabbed me, he won’t be sneaking up on anyone, angel or otherwise, again.”

You replace his palm with yours, leaning bodily over him to put pressure on the wound. “You’re bleeding grace.”

Lashes lowering to look at where your fingers splay to cover the break in not just his vessel’s skin, but his angelic being, he bobs his chin. Knowing first hand how much it agonizes you when Sam or Dean gets badly injured, he didn’t want to burden you with seeing him hurt thus, nor did he want to risk putting you in harm’s way. He didn’t have a choice though - doesn’t have a choice; from what vitriol the demon spewed prior to his smiting, the angel and his loved ones are being targeted - and with a wound deep enough to drain grace, he’s vulnerable. He can’t do this alone. He trusts you, and he knows you’re resourceful.

“Cas, what do I do?” You’ve stitched up your share of gaping holes in hunter bodies; hell, in your own flesh, but you haven’t got a clue how to stop a streamer of angelic life-light from illuminating a room.

“I need ... time-” Shock-cold fingers shroud your hand, shiver as he strains to speak- “somewhere safe.” Consciousness beginning to fail, his eyelids hang heavy.

Time you have. Safe you can arrange. “Okay.” You nod. “I understand.” Covering his hand to encourage him to keep pressure on the spot, you slide your fingers free and stand. Stooping, you guide his legs onto the bed and ease him to his side. Carding a caress through his chestnut hair, you cradle his head and fluff a pillow under his neck for support. Fondly smoothing the tousled curls, you move your attention southerly to slip the boots from his feet. Finally, you draw the comforter up over him; bending to tuck the threadbare hem in around his shoulders, you brush your lips in a warm breath of a kiss upon his temple and reiterate the heartfelt promise he has spoken to you so many times before when it was you who needed him. “I’ll watch over you.”

“Thank you,” he garbles the gratitude in blanketing weariness; drifting into the insentient detachment devoid of dreams that characterizes angelic sleep, it’s your reassurance and softly smiling aspect echoing comfortingly in his mind.

Castiel tag list: (Closed, if you’d like to be removed please let me know!) @jeepangel @sammiesamness @willowing-love @roxy-davenport @blueicevalkyrie @im-the-nerdiest-of-them-a11 @thesugargalaxy @bluetina-blog @dont-trust-humanity @afanofmanystuffs @honeybeetrash @bucky-thorin-winchester @superwholockz @tistai @wordstothewisereaders @gill-ons @mrswhozeewhatsis @marisayouass @stone-met @castiel-savvy18 @samualmortgrim @trexrambling @magnificent-mantle @kdfrqqg @xdifsx @moon-and-stars-cas @mandilion76 @rockfairy @peaceloveancolor @unicorntrooper @anisolatedship @itsilvermorny @aditimukul @kudosia @goofynerd-67babylove @uninspirationalsonglyrics @gray-avidan @mishascupcake @mishapanicmeow @praisecastielamen @roseyhxnt @jessikared97 @let-the-imaginationflow @warriorqueen1991 @sebastianstanslefteyebrow @hisnameisboobear @kristendanwayne @fuschiarulerinthebluebox @coolpencilpie @jenabean75 @alisonkenway @luciathewinchestergirl @morganas-pendragons @heyitscam99 @fangirl-and-stuff @selahbela @realgreglestrade @splendidcas @pointlesscasey @lovelyangelofasgard @i-larb-spooderman @thewhiterabbit42 @thelostverse @castieliswatchingoverme @beccollie18 @dragonett8 @dixie-chick @jtownraindancer @carowinsthings @passionghost @sherlockedtash88 @futureparent @gabbie7-11 @myfandomlife-blog @dreamerkim @samael-has-arrived @shamelesslydean @earthtokace @neaeri @justanormalangel @lone-loba @supernaturalymarvel @lilrubixx @wings-and-halo @thehoneybeecastielfollows @musiclovinchic93 @81mysteriouslyme @the-bottom-of-the-abyss @pixiedusts @spookysculderfiles @laqueus-ludovicus @missjenniferb @lexininja @jessiekay2010 @skrratata @rhiannonj79 @calicat79

#castiel imagine #castiel x you #castiel x reader #castiel fluff #castiel drabble #castielxreader #castiel reader insert #castielxyou #cas x reader #cas x you #reader x castiel #you x castiel #spn x reader #castiel fanfic #castiel fanfiction #cricket writes cas

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marril96 · 6 years

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Green-Eyed Witch

Pairing: Rowena x reader

Summary: Rowena is jealous of a hunter flirting with reader.

Editor: @oswinthestrange

A/N: This story is a gift for my lovely new friend, @hotdiggitydammit. I highly recommend you check out her blog, she makes amazing art! I would also love to thank the wonderful @oswinthestrange not just for lending me her amazing editing skills, but also for helping me out by giving me ideas for this story, and @ultimatefandomtrash61 helping with the title.

Read on AO3.

Rowena MacLeod wasn't a jealous person.

Envious, yes; throughout centuries of learning from better, more powerful witches, it was hard not to wish for power alike that of theirs. The power she'd eventually gained, hell, even surpassed. If they were to see her now, they were the ones who'd be envious of her.

Jealousy, though, was a rare emotion for her. She'd almost forgotten what it felt like, having not experienced it in centuries. Her mind flashed back to Fergus' father. The strong, handsome man who'd sworn to protect her, to love her for the rest of eternity. The man who'd promised her heaven, and had left her in hell of blood and near-death, with a screaming infant in her arms. He and his wife — the woman he'd promised to leave for her. Rowena scoffed at her stupidity. Rule number one of being with a cheater: they never leave their spouse, no matter what they say — had had it all; the money, the glory, the respect . Rowena, on the other hand, had had nothing.

She'd stopped feeling then, pushed her emotions down and built a wall around them to keep them hidden. Emotions were a weakness. Love was a weakness. Jealousy was an unnecessary byproduct of it, and it, too, had made her weak, made her vulnerable to the cruel, merciless world that wanted nothing but to take advantage of the scared, naive peasant girl she used to be.

Yet, watching you talking to a hunter — or rather him talking to you — stirred something up inside of her, an old, deeply buried emotion she hadn't felt in centuries. He was a newcomer, one of the refugees from the alternate world she'd kept the rift open for yesterday, almost to the point of passing out. She hadn't even noticed him the first time around, having been awake for two days and craving rest more than food and water. Today, she'd all but woken up to him chatting with you.

Rowena didn't know why it was bothering her. You'd talked to plenty of men and women in her presence, and she'd never felt anything akin to this. The man was tall and scrawny, with messy hair and a face that had surely once been pretty, but the horrors of war had made it rough, worn out. A scar stretched out from his temple to his upper lip, smooth and pinkish in color. Recent. He wasn't handsome, or even all that attractive, now that she thought about it. But…

There was something about the way he was looking at you that Rowena didn't like. She couldn't quite put her finger on it. His smile was wide, showing off dimples that might have been cute once upon a time, but now looked out of place on his hardened face. His eyes gleamed in delight as you laughed at something he'd said, and his lips curled into a bigger smile to match the one in his gaze. His teeth were yellow, Rowena noticed. Unkempt, like the rest of him. He must have brushed them this morning for the first time in days, maybe even weeks.

He leaned closer to whisper something in your ear. You frowned, then gave a soft laugh, bringing a hand to your mouth to muffle the sound. Rowena stiffened. Her teeth clenched. Her fingers balled into hard, heavy fists, turning the knuckles as white as bone. She narrowed her eyes at the man, her gaze sharp, dangerous. If looks could kill, he would have fallen to his death. He had no business standing that close to you. He had no business whispering to you and making you laugh. That was her job.

He was a nobody, a wee — well, figuratively — man who wouldn't know hygiene if it hit him in the face. A stranger. A hunter. Rowena's face twisted with disgust at the thought, an expression you'd always found adorable. You loved her scrunched up face as much as her pouty one. She couldn't understand the fascination with her expressions, but she found it endearing. Not many people giggled and showered her with compliments simply for making a facial expression. You loved her as she was, with all her flaws and strengths. You loved her laugh, and her freckles, and the way her hair framed her face in the morning, all big and messy. You loved her hands, loved the veins protruding over their tops like fine ink tattoos. You loved her toes, having proclaimed them cute countless times, and loved when she propped herself up on them to kiss you. You loved her, all of her.

That hunter would never have that. He would never know what it was like to be loved by you.

Though, he seemed very intent on getting a taste.

He said something else, and once again you laughed, a tad awkwardly. A growl rose up in the back of Rowena's throat, and she pressed her lips shut, trapping it. That was her laugh. She was the one supposed to elicit it, not some otherworldly hunter.

Did he even like witches? Was this some sort of a ploy to get you alone and kill you? Rowena wouldn't put it past him. Hunters weren't to be trusted. The two of you helping him and the others wasn't enough to erase decades of hatred for everything and anything non-human. Rowena wondered how many witches he'd killed. What if he was a hunter that specialized in killing witches? What if he were cruel and ruthless, like the locals who'd chased her out of her home, who'd made her abandon her son as she ran for her life?

She didn't trust him. And she especially didn't trust him to be that close to you.

He raised his hand and reached out for you. His fingers brushed down your forearm, a soft, gentle slide of skin against skin. You looked down and frowned, confused by the sudden contact. The man quickly pulled his hand back and muttered something which made your lips curl into a smile.

Rowena's blood ran hot, boiling up inside of her like lava in her veins. Who did he think he was, touching you like that? As if it wasn't enough that he was standing next to you, well in your personal space, and making you laugh. He had to touch you, as well?

Rowena was the only one allowed to touch you like that.

The man uttered something again, seemingly a question. You gave it a thought before responding, the smile never leaving your face. You were tense, nervous; you tried to hide it, tried to mask it with a smile, but Rowena could always tell. She knew your body enough by now to understand its language even from afar. You weren't comfortable talking to the hunter. You weren't afraid, having sensed no danger from him, but you weren't fond of being that close to him. He was a stranger, an unknown, and, to top is all off, a hunter. A perfect combination of things you preferred to stay away from, having been burned — both literally and metaphorically — countless times before. You were too polite to tell him to go away.

Lucky for you and extremely unfortunately for him, Rowena wasn't cursed with the same strain of politeness.

She got to her feet with a huff and strode over to you, back straightened, head up high. Lips tight in a line, eyes sharp, expression firm, she looked every bit a businesswoman, confident, serious, a tinge of threat added for good measure.

"Hey," you greeted, smile widening at the sight of her. Your breaths turned lighter, easier. You were relieved to see her, Rowena realized. Relieved not to be this close to this stranger on your own anymore. Your body relaxed, tension unwinding like a ball of yarn being unwrapped.

Rowena returned the smile. She lowered her head on your shoulder and brought a hand to your shoulder blade, gently wrapping her fingers around it, and put her other one around your waist. She pressed herself against you like a cat demanding attention. It wasn't like her to be this clingy around other people; toughness and independence were reputations she'd worked centuries to acquire. This, though, was worth throwing her pride to the wind. You were hers, only hers. Hers to talk to, hers to touch, hers to make laugh.

The hunter frowned, confusion lining his face. Rowena couldn't look at you, but she was willing to bet your expression matched his.

"You're Rowena, right?" he asked, despite already knowing the answer. Small talk. Courtesy.

Rowena wanted to vomit. "Aye, that's me," she said. She gave him the fakest of fake smiles, deliberately obvious. Her tone matched it.

"I'm Eli." He extended his hand. She didn't shake it. He pulled it back and swallowed, nervous. Good, Rowena thought. He had reason to be nervous. Good lad. "Sam and Dean said you kept the rift open for us. Thank you." It was genuine.

"Och, it was just business," Rowena said with feigned modesty. The compliment appealed to her, even if its owner didn't. She wasn't one to turn down praise. She looked into his eyes. "Do you like witches, Eli?" She said his name in a thick accent.

Confusion spilled over his face like paint. He wasn't sure how to respond to that. He wasn't used to surprises, the poor lad. Rowena wondered how he'd managed to survive so long in a world as wild and unpredictable as his. "Um…"

"It's okay if you don't. I imagine most people here hold a similar opinion," she said, nonchalance as fake as her smile. Hell, even Sam and Dean, the closest thing she had to friends, weren't too fond of her kind. People from a supernatural-war-torn world were bound to hold some prejudices.

It was alright. Rowena wasn't fond of humans, either.

"I-I think you guys are cool," Eli said, struggling to find the right words.

"Do you, now?" She narrowed her eyes at him in mock suspicion, and made it look real. "You know, Eli, there's more to us as a species. We don't exist just to be 'cool.'"

He swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat. "I didn't mean any disrespect…"

"Och, I know, dear boy, I know." She emphasized it with an exaggerated nod. "Still, it's a point to keep in mind, aye?"

"Of course!"

Of course. Not so flirty now, was he?

"We're all very grateful for what you did for us," he added.

They had bloody well better be! Rowena had stayed up for over two days. A few times she'd almost passed out, drained and tired. Keeping the rift open had taken a lot out of her; a lot more than she'd expected it would. Was it worth it? Yes. She would argue that it was. She'd made good on her word. She'd helped people. She'd made progress on her goal of redemption. But damn, would she have regretted it all had one — just one — of the people she'd exhausted herself for so much as looked at her the wrong way. Or tried to steal her girlfriend.

Eli was walking on a thin line.

"What were you two talking about?" Rowena asked. It was time she got to the point.

Eli's cheeks flushed as if he'd been caught doing something illegal. Which he kind of was, depending on your definition of illegal. "Stuff," he said in a small voice.

Rowena frowned, suspicion growing. "What kind of stuff?"

He shrugged. "Just stuff."

"Like?"

"The weather."

"The weather?" Seriously? That was his pickup line? Amateur! Rowena barely held back a look of disgust. This man, this hunter, was flirting — or rather attempting to flirt — with you right in front of her, and he had the audacity to do it poorly.

He had the decency to look embarrassed. "Why-why do you wanna know?" She shot him a look, and, startled, he quickly added, "No offense."

She intimidated him. Good. Very good. "It seemed like an interesting conversation," she said snidely, not even trying to hide the hostility. "I thought I might join in. I'm always interested in what my girlfriend has to say."

Eli paled as soon as the words left her mouth, face as white as a sheet. "Girlfriend?"

"You didn't know?" Rowena asked with fake compassion, too expressive, exaggerated, like an actress in an overly dramatic soap opera. "We've been together for two years now."

His eyes widened. A bead of sweat popped up on his forehead and slid down his face. Something in Rowena burst in joy at his expression, so frightened, so lost, a petty, sadistic streak she thought she'd lost. She was glad she hadn't. Just because she wasn't black anymore didn't mean she had to be white. Gray was a rather pretty color. Not her favorite, but it suited her quite well.

"That's great," Eli said, after taking a breath to compose his thoughts.

"We make a great pair, don't you think?" she asked, then pressed a soft kiss to your shoulder and huddled closer into you. Eli nodded. "Y/N has always been kind to me. Because of that, I've grown a bit protective of her. If someone were to threaten our relationship, I would do anything to defend it. Anything." The last word came out in a purr; a threat, a warning. "You can understand that, right?"

"Yes," Eli said instantly, emphasizing it with rapid nods.

Good boy.

Rowena was about to say so, eagerly so, when you spoke for the first time since she'd crashed the, ahem, conversation, cutting her off before she even got a chance to open her mouth. "Rowena, can we talk for a minute?"

"Why, of course, my dear!" She lifted her head off your shoulder and shot you a delighted smile, with a dash of innocence sprinkled into it. Not obvious at all. Nope. "Anything for you."

"Bedroom," you said, giving her the same sickeningly sweet smile of lies.

Rowena turned to Eli. "I'm terribly sorry to have to cut this short. It was a pleasure to meet you, Eli."

"Likewise," he said, and didn't mean it. "See you around, I guess, Y/N, Rowena." He nodded at each of you.

"It's Miss MacLeod for you."

"Miss MacLeod," he quickly corrected himself.

You grabbed Rowena's wrist and pulled her after you before she could laugh in his face. Not that she would have; she would have simply sneered. But she was tempted to. She barely held back a fit of laughter as you shoved into the room and closed the door after her. Unlike her, you didn't seem to be in a laughing mood.

"What the hell are you doing?" you demanded.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She didn't really believe it would work. It never did. You always knew when she was pretending. She could fool anyone — hell, she'd even fooled the Devil himself more than once — but she could never fool you.

Once upon a time, Rowena would have been terrified that someone knew her that well. Now, she was glad. You listened when she talked. You paid attention to her behavior, to the very details of language her tiny body displayed. You cared. No one had ever cared before; not to this extent.

"Rowena," you said, tone a tad lower, a warning.

"What?" she said defensively.

"You know that's not gonna work on me."

She did know. It was still worth a try. She pouted like a child who'd just been told off by their parent after being caught doing something naughty.

You rolled your eyes. No melting at the cuteness? Rowena was disappointed. Usually, pouting did you in, made you give up the argument the moment her lips would give the slightest sign of puckering up. Had she overused it? Had you developed immunity to her charms of adorableness? Heart sinking, she hoped not. She enjoyed you gushing over her like an overexcited fangirl.

"What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing," Rowena said. What's gotten into an otherworlder, a hunter at that, to flirt with you right in front of her? That would have made a far better question.

You sighed, then took a deep, calming breath. "Look, I don't like hunters any more than you do, but we can't antagonize them. We're surrounded by them." You raised up your hands and made a wide gesture to emphasize your point. "What'd we do if they retaliate? There's over twenty of them and two of us. I doubt Sam and Dean'd be on our side if they found out we've been rude to their hunter buddies."

Rowena's jaw dropped. She stared at you, disbelieving, outraged. "That numbnut should have thought of that before he tried to get into your pants!"

Your brows furrowed, features twisting into a look of sheer confusion. You were looking at her as if she'd suddenly grown a second head, or her hair had inexplicably turned purple. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Eli flirting with you!"

"What?" You started to laugh, finding the claim ridiculous, and then decided against it and pressed your lips into a line. "No, he wasn't."

You meant it. Rowena could tell you did.

"Oh, he was," she said.

"No." You shook her head. "He wasn't. He was just…" Your eyes widened as realization began to sink it. "Was he?"

Rowena resisted the urge to slam her palm into her forehead. How could someone be so completely and utterly clueless? The man could have screamed in your face that he wanted to fuck you, and you still wouldn't get the hint.

"He was," she said. "He was bloody terrible at it, but he was flirting." You suddenly looked embarrassed. She smirked; she couldn't help being amused at your ignorance. "What'd you think he was doing?"

The man looked like he wanted to jump you right then and there. Her face twisted with disgust, then anger, at the thought. How dare he think of doing that with you? How dare he think he even had a chance?

"I just thought he was one of those annoying people who like to talk to strangers," you said with a shrug.

Bless your precious heart. Sometimes, Rowena longed for the days of innocence much alike that of yours. Days when she'd looked forward to the future, when she'd believed in dreams and the good in people. Days when she was just a girl, pale and scared. When every new day was an adventure, and every new person she'd met was an ally rather than an enemy. Days before the cruelty of the world had corrupted her, turned her bright, hopeful heart black.

"Good god, lass!"

You blushed. "He wasn't that obvious," you said in an attempt to defend yourself.

"He was practically drooling," Rowena said. The memory filled her with resentment. Her fists clenched, nails digging into the skin of her palms. Her old self would have killed him for daring to look at you, an example to others with thoughts similar to his — don't mess with her property. Damn her newfound conscience, and damn her redemption! Being good — well, sort of — sucked.

"You're exaggerating."

"A few minutes more, and he would've shot up like a geyser!"

"Could've done without the visual, thanks," you said, grossed out. Your eyes narrowed, curious. Suspicious. "Why're you so worked up over this? You know I'd never cheat."

"Because…" Why, indeed? Rowena wasn't sure. All she knew with utmost certainty was that that man had no business acting the way that he had towards her girlfriend. Hers. Never his, or anyone else's. Hers.

"Are you jealous?" A smile tugged at the corner of your lips as you said it, teasing, playful, like a cat who'd caught a mouse and was tossing it around, sadistically enjoying its attempts to escape.

"No!" Rowena fired as soon as the question left your mouth and turned her head away, avoiding your eyes. She, jealous? Ridiculous! The great and powerful Rowena MacLeod would never succumb to such lowly emotions as jealousy.

"You are! You're jealous!" you all but beamed, as if you'd been looking forward to this conclusion.

"I'm not jealous!" Rowena denied. Simply because she wasn't fond of a strange man whispering to you, making you laugh, and touching your arm didn't mean she was jealous. Precautious — that was what she was. Yes. She was precautious. You knew nothing about those people, about their way of life. Each and every one of them had potential to be dangerous. They were in need of help, yes, but that didn't make them innocent. What if there was a serial killer amongst them? Or a child molester? A rapist? A hunter with a taste for witch blood? What kind of a girlfriend would she be if she disregarded those possibilities? You were still but a newbie witch, naive, precious. You hadn't experienced the world's cruelty the way that she had.

"You totally are!" You were giggling now, like a schoolgirl whose friend had confided in her about her latest crush.

Blood rushed to Rowena's rosy cheeks, turning them red as ripe, blooming poppies. "Am not," she insisted stubbornly.

A shadow of a doubt crept into her mind. Was she jealous? No, she told herself. She wasn't. She couldn't be. She wanted your laughs to herself. She wanted her hand to brush against your arm, not Eli's. So what? She was your girlfriend. It was only natural she wanted you, all of you, all to herself.

Right?

You shook your head, not believing her for a second. At this point, Rowena wasn't sure she, herself, believed her own words.

"Oh, my god!" Your giggles morphed into full-blown laughter. You doubled over, hands instinctively pressing to your stomach as you laughed and laughed and laughed, seemingly forever. "You're adorable!"

Oh, now she was adorable. "I am not adorable, and this is not funny," Rowena said with a scoff. Rude.

"I think it's hilarious!"

"Stop it!" She pouted again. Her lower lip quivered as if she were about to cry. She wasn't jealous! Honestly. She wasn't.

Alright, maybe she was. A teeny, tiny bit. She wasn't that obvious, like Eli and his bloody awful flirting. She had the decency to be subtle.

You straightened up and walked over to her, lowering your hands onto her shoulders. Your eyes locked with hers, the look in them bright, cheerful, teasing. Underneath it all Rowena could see love, devotion like no other. "My little cutie pie," you cooed. Your finger tapped the tip of her nose, then slid down over her puckered up, shaky lip. "You have no reason to be jealous."

"I'm not—" Rowena tried, but stopped herself before finishing it. The cat was out of the bag. There was no use denying it anymore. She sighed, took a breath to compose herself, and straightened up, proud, dignified, like a queen standing before her people, about to give a long, inspirational speech following a hard-fought victory. "You're mine, Y/N."

"And I always will be."

She knew you would. But having spent centuries betrayed and broken, treated more like a toy than a person, Rowena had learned to fight for what she had, for what was hers. For if she didn't, it would be taken from her. It always was. Even the thought of someone ripping you from her made her heart beat faster in fear. She couldn't bear it, couldn't bear the possibility of you not being there when she woke up, not holding her hand, not calling her name when you needed her.

"I know. I just…" I'm scared, she thought. Frozen in fear. Terrified beyond belief. You were the one good thing in her life, the one thing she hadn't managed to screw up. She couldn't lose you.

"I know sweetheart," you said, as if you'd read her thoughts. Your voice was gentle, sweet, soothing, radiating love she never thought she'd get again. She didn't deserve it, yet here you were, loving her more than anything in the world. Lucky old witch, she was. You brought your hands to her cheeks, cupping them into your palms. "I'm not gonna leave you. It's never gonna happen. You're stuck with me."

"Lucky me," Rowena said sarcastically, flashing a small smile. You had no idea how lucky she was to have you, to have the privilege to call you hers. To love you and be loved in return.

Lucky her, indeed.

You gave a light chuckle. "Besides, Eli's not even my type."

"Pray tell, what is your type?"

You pretended to think it through for a moment. "Short, pale, green-eyed gingers with anger issues."

Rowena quirked up an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Uh-hum," you said with a nod. "Scottish. A bit annoying. Mean, sometimes. With impeccable fashion sense and strange love for glittery makeup. Jealous, though they claim not to be."

"Sounds like someone I know," she said.

"It totally does," you agreed. You pressed your lips to hers for a kiss, sweet and soft, a gentle brush of skin over skin. "I love you, you adorable, silly creature."

"I love you, too, you clueless girl."

Tags: @werewolfbarbie @oswinthestrange @darktweet @songofthecagedmoose @apurdyfulmind @getthesalt-sam @metallihca @royalrowena @salembitchtrials @jay-eris @hellsmother @elizabeth-effie @victoriasagittariablack @rowenaswife @dropsofpetrichor @fromflametofire @xfireandsin @liddell-alien @elaspn @cas-loves-dean-and-i-love-him @faeyla @hotdiggitydammit @thaiinette

#rowena #rowena macleod #rowena x reader #spn #supernatural #rowena macleod x reader #my fics #green-eyed witch #fic #fics #fanfic #fanfics #fanfiction

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anxietywontmakethewordsgo · 6 years

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Okay Y’all

So at first I considered NOT posting this second part bc y’all seemed to have it covered on my first post in terms of extra insight for this episode. BUT. I am fucking traumatized, and the only way I’m getting SOME closure is if I point out everything on my mind at the moment (just like part one, which backfired horribly).

Obviously, spoilers for 13.18, and trigger warnings (sexual assault, abuse, torture of our favorite archangel). On that note, Let’s jump into this.

Let’s start chronologically, shall we? The first scene of hell we are treated to is Ketch being told by one of Asmodicksucker’s minions that he needs to wait, because he is busy. After pausing and giving the guard a strange look, Ketch relents fairly quickly, asking if they have something to read.

NOW, I may be thinking too hard on this, but we all know that demons are irreparably corrupt; they have no shame in what they do to others, have no reason to hide what they do. So, why does Asmodeus tell the guard to keep ketch out?

Ketch seems to find this strange too, based on the look he gives the guard before asking about reading materials. When he finally walks in, Asmodeus is in the process of extracting some of Gabriel’s grace (our poor archangel whimpering as he does so). Ketch looks curious, sure, maybe even a bit confused initially. But as he watches, he seems…. disturbed? which is obviously unusual for his usual sociopathic behavior. He asks if this is a bad time, which prompts both of them to look up at him, one is disgruntlement, the other is surprise and hope.

Which brings me to my next point; this entire fucking scene. Rewinding a bit, we have Asmodeus being creepy and saying “just a little more” to Gabriel as he extracts the grace. I didn’t put too much thought into it the first (dozen) time(s) I watched it, but….its strange, isn’t it? If he were any other prisoner, Asmodeus wouldn’t show such…attentiveness to Gabriel’s reactions. He would probably insult them, maybe threaten them for the reaction.

But Gabriel isn’t any other prisoner, not to Asmodeus. I’m sure we all saw the preview where he says “I own you.” To someone off-screen. I’m also sure most of us thought he was talking about Gabriel. He wasn’t, not directly, but it may as well have applied anyway.

Near the end of the episode, Ketch describes Gabriel as Asmodeus’s “prize milk cow.”, and he’s not really that far off in his description. The way Asmodeus reassures Gabriel rather than threatening him is akin to somebody talking to their pet, or any animal in general.

You guys. Asmodeus doesn’t see Gabriel as an archangel, or even a human being. He sees him as his pet, his property.

This little convo right here, where he beats ketch down verbally, saying he has no real identity and that he doesn’t know what he is, is almost certainly what he did to Gabriel in order to break him into what he is now, a petrified shell of his former glory. And it isn’t just in Asmodeus’s mind that Gabe is like his property/an animal – it’s also in Gabriel’s. I can’t stop comparing the way Gabriel flinches away and whimpers when Asmodeus moves to a puppy scared of its abusive owner, how he is almost in a completely different mindset the whole episode, as if protecting whatever is left of his old self by reverting to what Asmodeus thinks him to be.

AAAND now I’ve gone off track from my original point; sexual assault. Obviously the show can’t just outright say they are talking about rape (and even if they could, the writers love subtext too damn much to do that.) I say they are using the ‘pet’ arc to explain just how violated and humiliated Gabriel is. Keep in mind, an angels grace is a part of their very BEING, what they are made of. While we have seen other instances of grace stealing in this show, we have only ever seen it one other time for an ARCHANGEL – and that would be with Michael, in the other world. We all saw how insistent Lucifer was about keeping Michael on the other side, and it makes me wonder if he felt just as violated by Michael as Gabriel does by Asmodeus. (who knows, maybe they’ll address the similarities eventually. After all, Gabriel and Lucifer are going to meet sometime, right?)

Chuck himself said that archangels are made of different stuff, the stuff of primordial creation. Could this mean that an archangel’s grace is even more close to their true form than a regular angel’s? if so, it’s just adding to the theory that not only is Asmodeus using Gabriel to power up, he is also KNOWINGLY VIOLATING HIM, and is ENJOYING IT (that bastard.)

Anyway, I think I’ve spent enough time torturing myself with THAT scene. Let’s move on, shall we?

Hearts were breaking across the world as Gabriel continued to show signs of complete psychological and emotional trauma. He cowered away from Ketch, even when he said it was a rescue. He all but screamed when Sam mentioned his grace, leading to a very disturbed and surprised look from both of them. just – hell, the look on the boy’s faces, PERIOD. When they first saw him, the shock and disgust in dean’s voice as he asked what Ketch had done to him. HELL, even Ketch looked shocked and disturbed that dean would even THINK he would go this far, do something so heinous, especially to an ARCHANGEL.It almost makes me wonder if the writers were also alluding to the boys KNOWING just how bad Gabriel’s current mental state is. i’m COMPLETELY shocked that Gabriel would even let Sam come NEAR him, let alone with a sharp object (ahhh my sabriel shipping heart!).

Some other (smaller, perhaps repeated) points that I don’t have the patience or brain cells to articulate;

- Asmodeus almost sounding like he’s taunting Gabriel when he says “just a little more” rather than threatening him or insulting him. The humiliation must be immense, knowing he is being treated more like an animal than the archangel he once was.

- Ketch’s reaction to Asmodeus’s little (ahem) session with Gabriel. He looks almost disturbed, which is very unlike his usual sociopathic self. It almost makes me wonder if Asmodeus KNEW ketch might try to free him, which is why he then later starts trying to mentally fuck with Ketch himself. Ketch also asks if it’s a “bad time”, adding to the uncomfortable sexual atmosphere of the scene already.

- SPEAKING OF WHICH; Asmodeus fucking MOANING as he injects himself, his expression almost one of euphoria (ew.).

- Notice how the camera cuts to Gabriel in the middle of the injection, showing a look of pure violation and fear. It is almost as if he can FEEL his very essence being absorbed, corrupted by Asmodeus’s demonic being. I’d say it’s almost an act of…domination, perhaps?

- When ketch first speaks, both look up, Asmodeus with a look of disgruntlement, Gabriel with a look of surprise, and even HOPE. JUST LOOK AT HOW HIS EYES WIDEN, HOW HIS EYEBROWS RAISE. LOOK AT THE HOPE ON HIS FACE, YOU GUYS.

- ASMODEUS SEWING OUR POOR CHILD’S MOUTH SHUT ASHDGFGS. It not only is a big part of his identity, who he IS, but it is also a big reminder that there is NO CONSENT ON HIS PART WHATSOEVER, leading to the connection of sexual assault.

Sorry for the COMPLETELY MESSY and out of order post, you guys. I just can’t even BEGIN to fully and properly articulate how fucked up the underlying sexual tones of this episode were. Maybe someone who is better at all this complex meta stuff can explain this better?

honestly you guys, i’m not sure what the writers are planning to do, but with how humiliated, how VULNERABLE Gabriel was....well, its gonna be a hell of a time trying to heal him up back to his former self. what he went through...its not something you just get over. despite this, i’m terrified interested to see where the writers take this.

#supernatural #season 13 #theory #gabriel #ketch #asmodeus #sabriel #meta #imgoingtokillmyself #ahh #why writers why #i hate everything #goodbye #ill just #ugh fml

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babygirl06301 · 7 years

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Buffy moments that made me cry

Oi! This post contains spoilers, read at your own risk or whatever.

So, this is gonna be a fun, happy time.

Sike, because I’m gonna crush your hearts. And keep you here for a long time, because damn is this long. It’s important to understand that, when making this list, I was going off of memory so that could be a reason as to why not every terribly sad scene is in here. Another reason a scene could be left off is because I don’t like certain characters, so their sad moments didn’t cause me to emotionally explode like these did. For example, I’m not a huge fan of Faith, Joyce, Dawn, or Riley. I like them all, but I wasn’t invested enough in them as characters to warrant their hard times breaking my soul. Make sense?

Also, you will notice a common theme here, and if you’ve been following me for a while, this will come as no surprise (and neither will me talking about scenes I’ve already talked excessively about a million times): Spike, Spike, Spuffy, Spike. Spike is my all time favorite character from any show. So, it stands to reason that I feel his pains and woes more heavily than the other characters. Building on that, Spuffy is my ultimate ship. Ergo...you get it. In fact, most of this post will be about Spike, Spuffy, Twillow, and Xanya (is that their ship name?). You’re probably tired of hearing about the same scenes everyone (me) talks about, for example, a lot of the stuff from S7. And honestly, I’m getting a little tired of talking about them, but this list wouldn’t be complete without it, so bear with me.

So, I’m also gonna rate these by level of tears and soul-breakage (whether for happy or sad reasons). A scale of 1 to 5. Allow me to demonstrate with Dean Winchester gifs.

1 - Prickly eyes, very deep feeling of sadness

2 - Eyes brimmed with tears about to spill over

3 - Tears fall

4 - Tears won’t stop falling

5 - All hope of composure is lost

Fair warning: there are only two 5s on here. So. And keep in mind that a 1 doesn’t mean it’s a bad scene. Think of 1s as very good scenes and 5s as mind-blowing, fuck me up scenes. Also, they’re just how I reacted. I know some of these hit harder with some or fell flat with others. And of course, there’s other scenes that were very sad to watch but didn’t quite make me tear up. For example, when Willow first sees that Glory took away Tara’s sanity or when Spike tells Buffy he’d risk his life to go after someone that hurt her. Okay, let’s get into it.

Okay, before the Buffy, I want to start with a few scenes from Angel that really got me. Not a lot in Angel did get me because I wasn’t as invested in it, but these were hard.

Doyle dies

The episode: “Hero”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: There’s a magical bomb about to explode so, Doyle decides to sacrifice himself to save everyone.

Why I cried: Doyle is one of the few characters on Angel that I had a really protective attitude with. Much like I did with early seasons Willow or with Tara, sort of just a sweet character that I want to keep safe. So, because we see Doyle struggle since the beginning with his identity as half-demon, this heroic last act means so much for his story. Not to mention, his last goodbyes with Angel and Cordelia were very heartfelt and sad.

Buffy forgets Human!Angel

The episode: “I Will Remember You”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Angel had become human for this episode and was able to spend a whole day with Buffy, consequence free. However, realizing he couldn’t protect the world as a human, he opted to erase the previous day. This moment is Angel explaining to Buffy that only he would remember their day together.

Why I cried: This scene got me for a number of reasons. One of the primary reasons is the behind the scenes information surrounding it. Sarah couldn’t hold herself together, David whispered her name (that you can hear in the scene) to calm her. That proves the power of this moment. Additionally, understanding that Angel will have the bear the memory of this day, cut me pretty deep. So did seeing Buffy so broken and panicked. All together, a gut-wrenching scene.

Fred dies

The episode: “A Hole in the World”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Fred has a run in with an ancient coffin containing the Old One, Illyria. She kills Fred by cooking her organs, causing her to slowly fade away while being watched over by Wesley, her current love.

Why I cried: Fred is another one of those pure characters that doesn’t deserve the fate she receives. Wesley and Fred spend so long dancing around each other, being with other people before finally connecting...only to have it violently ripped away from them. Requited love resulting in immediate tragedy is something Joss Whedon is a master of, and this certainly isn’t the last example on this list.

Wesley dies

The episode: “Not Fade Away”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Wesley fights his final battle for Angel and the greater good, resulting in a serious wound that took his life. In his final moments, Illyria transforms herself into Fred to give Wes peace as he dies.

Why I cried: Honestly, the main thought running through my mind with this scene is that Wes and Fred will finally be together. His end is bittersweet for me, as he struggled so much in Angel. Adding on to this, seeing Fred weep over Wesley and knowing that it was equal parts Fred and Illyria feeling grief for him hits home as much as anything else.

Okay, that’s Angel done. As I said, I wasn’t as invested so I don’t remember all the intense scenes, for one, and I also didn’t care about the story as much in general. Let’s move on to Buffy.

Buffy quits

The episode: “Prophecy Girl”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy overhears Angel and Giles discussing the prophecy that Buffy is to die if she faces the Master. She makes her presence known and decides to quit her role as Slayer because she’s afraid of dying.

Why I cried: This is the first time we see Buffy terrified of anything. Really terrified. And understandably so. I think the thing about this scene that gets me the most is that Buffy is supposed to be this tough girl, not afraid of anything, least of all dying. Which is quite unfair to ask of anyone. So here, we see the rational reaction to dying that we don’t expect her to have. Hearing her tell Giles that she’s sixteen and doesn’t want to die is almost shocking because she’s right, but that’s something we don’t totally register before this scene. And it’s almost made sadder by the fact that we know she doesn’t really have the choice to walk away from her calling. No matter how hard she fights, it doesn’t matter.

Buffy and Giles cry together

The episode: “Passion”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Right after Giles goes after Angelus for killing Jenny, Buffy pulls him out of the burning factory and screams at him for risking his life.

Why I cried: It’s just the combination of knowing Giles’ pain is so real and seeing Buffy’s fear of losing him. Giles, being a Watcher, hadn’t really had the opportunity to live a life outside of books and Slayers. Jenny was his chance to do that, and he lost her. He lost her right after he’d decided to take her back after the whole Angel/Angelus debacle. Remember that requited love turns to tragedy thing? On top of that, it isn’t often we see Buffy express her affection for Giles. This rare moment of vulnerability, for both of them, makes this scene crushing.

Buffy kills Angel

The episode: “Becoming: Part 2″

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy resigns herself to killing Angelus, as it appears they won’t be able to ensoul him, and he plans to release Acathla and destroy the world. At the last moment, after the door to Hell is opened, Angel regains his soul. Unfortunately, the only way to close the portal is to the kill the one who opened it. Buffy, then, is forced to kill her love.

Why I cried: The acting. That’s what it is. Other than the fact that it’s terribly tragic that they have to lose each other after so long apart,--*coughs* requited love--it’s just the fact that I can see it all on their faces. And Angel is so confused by what’s happening, and Buffy doesn’t explain. She just says goodbye, a goodbye cloaked in loving words. And then Angel’s confusion turns to shock, and Buffy’s expression of responsibility overrun with pain...it’s all a part of why this scene is so, so sad.

Buffy cries in Willow’s lap

The episode: “The Prom”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Just after Angel breaks up with her, Buffy confides in Willow. She conveys that she’s trying to keep from dying, that she feels like she can’t breathe. Willow holds her head in her lap while she cries.

Why I cried: On a personal note, for me and I’m sure many others, this spoke to me. It related almost exactly to one of my break-ups in the past. Because of that, it was more than just watching these characters bleed and cry on TV and trying to understand it. This, I did understand. And it hurts. And seeing our hero weep like this over something so...mundane...that’s pain.

Willow and Oz break up

The episode: “Wild at Heart”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Oz has made the decision, after a few nights with a fellow werewolf, that he will leave Sunnydale to try and tame the beast inside of him. As a result, he has to initiate a painful goodbye with the woman he loves.

Why I cried: This is the ever-present struggle with relationships. You want to be together, you want to be with them, but when it comes down to it, sometimes you need to take care of you. And that’s a tough choice to make. The thing about this scene is that neither of them fell out of love with the other (despite Willow asking Oz if he had). Oz had to tear himself away from the one thing he’d loved all his life so that he could better himself. Which means, for me anyway, that you can’t blame Oz. And an ending relationship where neither party is to blame, well that’s a hard blow.

Oz’s final goodbye

The episode: “New Moon Rising”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Oz returns to Sunnydale, hoping to reignite his flame with Willow. Upon returning, he realizes that Willow has fallen in love with someone else--Tara. In his final scene, he says a tearful and final goodbye to Willow.

Why I cried: You know that feeling when you’re watching something and you just know that this is the end for a character? Like, you feel the deep sorrow that this is the last you’ll see of them? That’s what I was feeling. And I’m sure that’s what Willow was feeling. Because Oz didn’t fall out of love with her, it’s saddening to see him so wilted because he wasn’t able to get back together with Willow. But at the same time, it’s amazing to see how understanding and caring he is regarding Willow’s love for another person. Happy goodbyes can be just as tearful as the sad ones.

Willow chooses Tara

The episode: “New Moon Rising”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: After leaving Oz, Willow goes to Tara’s dorm room. Tara worries that Willow is coming to tell her she’s chosen Oz. She assures Willow that she should be with the one she loves, to which Willow replies, “I am.”

Why I cried: Oh my goodness. Tara is just so happy in this moment. And so is Willow. After all the confusion, after all the concern and tiptoeing and worry, Willow and Tara finally choose each other.

The gang defends Tara

The episode: “Family”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Tara’s family comes to take her home because they claim (falsely) that she is part demon. She’s prepared to leave to spare her friends the shame of knowing her. In a twist, the Scoobies--even Spike, to an extent--defend Tara and protect her against her family.

Why I cried: This is the first time Tara is ever officially welcomed into the unofficial family of the Scoobies. And we get to see characters come to her defense, not because she’s connected to Willow, but because she’s connected to all of them. It’s a very warm family moment that gives me the warm fuzzies.

Spike comforts Buffy

The episode: “Fool for Love”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: After a long night at each other’s throats, Spike vows to kill Buffy despite the complication of the behavior chip. Upon arriving at her house, Spike finds Buffy crying because of her mother’s worsening illness, a fact unbeknownst to him. He asks what’s wrong, if there’s anything he can do and ends up sitting silently with her in the moment.

Why I cried: Why would I cry so much over such a small thing? Well, because of the little things. Spike looks...curious. Instead of this big, swanky, know-it-all vampire, Spike is intrigued and curious concerning Buffy and how he feels about her. It’s almost like Buffy is this magical, foreign creature that he can’t look away from lest it run away, never to be seen again. And when he pats her back, he’s so gentle with her, somehow understanding what she needs without knowing the situation. And it helps. You can see Buffy’s face, see that she’s comforted to have someone to be with her there. It’s a very serene, tender moment.

Buffy finds her mom dead

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy comes home to find Joyce lying on the couch, dead. In a panic, she calls 911. After that, she calls Giles. All the while, moving from confusion to alarm to shock.

Why I cried: This is a very real reaction to death. Especially the death of a close loved one. And it’s very strange for us to see Buffy this shattered, even with all the pain she’s gone through before this moment. It’s a hard scene to pick at, but we feel the same sort of surreal blankness that Buffy does.

Buffy tells Dawn about Joyce

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy goes to Dawn’s school to tell her about their mother’s death.

Why I cried: It’s just...I didn’t and don’t care for Dawn very much...so that alone should tell you why this scene made the list. Seeing her that sorrowful and knowing that she still feels, if only in this case, like a little girl that still needs her mommy...it makes this scene heartbreaking.

Willow and Tara embrace

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Willow worries over what she should wear to the hospital to meet Buffy and Dawn. Her sadness and cries escalate until Tara goes to her, and they share their first (on-screen) kiss.

Why I cried: For one, it’s a good reminder that Joyce touched more people’s lives than Buffy’s and Dawn’s. Also, it’s a good moment for us to be there with Willow and Tara and feel their love and compassion. Just the way that they hold each other and breathe into each other’s embrace...it’s beautiful.

Anya asking why Joyce died

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Tensions raise between Willow and Anya, as Anya doesn’t completely understand the actions taken by humans when a loved one dies. Anya soon breaks down and exclaims that the mortality of humans is nonsensical and stupid.

Why I cried: Anya is meant to be this confused, blunt, and uninformed character that never really grasps the spectrum of human emotions and mannerisms. But here’s the thing: in her ramblings about the stupidity of death and her confusion over why Joyce had to die, she makes the most sense of all. The beauty of her confusion and bluntness and uninformed nature is that she hits on the exact thought that everyone has when someone passes on: why?

Buffy cries with Dawn

The episode: “Forever”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: After Buffy stops Dawn from resurrecting their mother, she hears a knock on the door and runs to it, hoping it’s her mother. Dawn tears the photo of Joyce up that was used to bring her back in the first place, cancelling the spell. Realizing that they are truly on their own now, the two break down in front of the door and cry openly together.

Why I cried: It’s some of the first common ground we see with the two of them, especially since Joyce’s death. It’s horrible yet heartwarming to see Buffy and Dawn, at least for the time being, come together as sisters.

“I know you’ll never love me.”

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy return to her house to pick up some weapons for their fight against Glory. Upon arriving, Spike offers to take the weapons over the threshold, having been locked out of Buffy’s house previously. Buffy invites him in for the second time and tells Spike she’s counting on him to protect Dawn. He replies that he will--“’til the end of the world,” even if he dies doing so. He then tells her that, even though he knows she’ll never love him, he’s grateful that she treats him like a man.

Why I cried: Oh my God, so many reasons. From the top, Spike’s willingness to cooperate with Buffy’s wishes to stay out of her house and then Buffy’s subsequent invitation to enter back in says volumes about how far they’ve come in such a short time. Spike’s facial expression when she invites him back in began the trail of tears for me. When Spike proclaims he will protect Dawn “’til the end of the world,” that solidified the notion that he’d really changed, which overwhelmed me with emotion. And finally, when Spike says “I know you’ll never love me. I know that I’m a monster, but you treat me like a man and that’s...” That moment really touches me, firstly, because of the respect you can see on Buffy’s face. Whether or not she even likes Spike, she respects him now, after it all. Secondly, Spike is expecting to die. Whether by himself or alongside everyone, he’s expecting that this night is the end for him. And his final words to Buffy tell her: it’s alright that you don’t love me, I’m just happy to be in your life. He doesn’t try and convince her one last time, doesn’t try and persuade her. He’s a complete gentleman, and that’s the best part.

Willow finds Tara

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Willow is finally able to get Tara back after so long without her because of Glory’s magic keeping Tara from being in control of her own mind. In a rush of joy, the two embrace, Willow telling a previously lost Tara that she’ll always find her.

Why I cried: The happiest tears come from this scene. Can you imagine being separated from your true love for so long without ever actually being physically apart from them? Having to see them every single day struggling against their own mind? That must be the hardest fate you could have. But Willow stuck with Tara, and it paid off in the end. The found each other in one of the happiest moments of the show’s run.

Spike sees Buffy dead

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: After a long and hard fight against Glory, Buffy sacrifices herself to close the portal opened up by Summers blood. Her friends and family show varying signs of grief for their loss.

Why I cried: So, Willow and Spike had the two strongest reactions to seeing Buffy dead. Dawn was crying, but she’d already talked to Buffy and knew she would be dead when she reached the bottom of the tower. Anya was blank, seemingly because Buffy dying was almost expected. Xander and Giles showed emotion--sadness--but didn’t cry. Willow and Spike were sobbing. But why does specifically Spike make me cry? Two reasons. First: Willow is known to be very sensitive, so it’s expected that she’d break down immediately and not need time to register that Buffy had died. She went instantly to grief. Spike is known to be sensitive as well, being a poet and often shedding a tear when Buffy rejects him. But this. Spike doesn’t do this. He doesn’t absolutely break. His body doesn’t heave and convulse with sobs and sorrow. The reason Spike reacted so violently leads into my second reason, a reason James Marsters himself has stated: Buffy wasn’t just a loved one; she was his only loved one. The only person he had. That’s why what I said earlier on comes into play: Spike expected to die alone or die with everyone. He never expected to be left alone in a world without Buffy. Never.

“Be brave. Live. For me.”

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Buffy is preparing to sacrifice herself to save the world, she gives her little sister, Dawn, some final words of advice to live on with after she’s gone.

Why I cried: I think it’s safe to say that this scene is one of the most remembered scenes from Buffy. And rightfully so. The reason I found this scene to be tear-inducing isn’t because Buffy is leaving her little sister or even because she’s dying willingly not only to save the world but to save herself from life. The reason this scene is so powerful is because it speaks to everyone. It tells everyone that they can be strong and live in a world so prone to kicking us when we’re down. It tells us that we can all choose to be like Buffy--a warrior. So, when I watch this scene, Buffy is speaking to me. And hearing something like that come from one of my greatest heroes, that’s a dream come true.

Spike sees Buffy alive

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike storms into the Summers home, frantic to see if Dawn made it home safely. After scolding her for running off previously, Dawn draws his attention to a newly resurrected Buffy walking down the stairs.

Why I cried: Two words to describe his expression: shocked and elated. It is so phenomenal the amount of emotion communicated through Spike’s eyes here. As soon as he sees her, you can see so many things pass over his face. Joy, disbelief, the effort not to cry, the urge to touch her, the need to be careful with her. All of that combined makes these few seconds something to talk about. No words, just...them.

“147 days yesterday. Uh, 148 today.”

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy asks Spike, who is examining her bloody hands, how long she had been gone for. Spike replies, “147 days yesterday. Uh, 148 today. Except today doesn’t count does it?”

Why I cried: Let’s just...he counted the days. He counted the days. Not weeks. Not months. Days. And the way he’s looking at her. His expression screams that he’s so happy to see her...but also that he’s not going to hurt her or push her. Which is the very first time this season that Spike does something for Buffy that no one else can or could. This man was so broken when he saw her lifeless body, and yet he’s able to compose himself enough to make sure Buffy is comfortable and safe. That’s love right there.

Spike blames Willow

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Spike corners Xander after a pointed comment about Spike returning to his days of stalking Buffy now that she was alive again. Spike expressed anger that no one told him about the plan to revive Buffy. Xander, unable to come up with a reason as to why they didn’t tell him, is baffled when Spike proposes that Willow kept it from him on purpose. Spike suggests that Willow knew Buffy could come back from the grave other than herself and they’d have to send her back. However, since Spike wouldn’t allow that to happen if any part of it was still Buffy, he guesses that Willow kept him in the dark to keep him from interfering in the case that Buffy’s reprieve was brief.

Why I cried: This is a little moment, I understand. But the fact that it’s implied that Spike, of all people, wouldn’t allow the gang to get rid of a rabid Buffy, that’s pretty impactful. In fact, I would’ve guessed that Spike would be the one to opt for putting Buffy back in her grave, that he wouldn’t want Buffy to live and suffer. The shocking revelation that Spike wouldn't do just that is what rocked my emotions enough to include it on this list.

“Every night, I save you.”

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Buffy visits Spike in his crypt, likely looking for a break from the Scoobies. After an attempt from Spike to make small talk, he sits down and begins telling her what it’s been like since she died. He tells her he blames himself for her death and that ever since that night, in his mind, he never stopped saving her.

Why I cried: Aside from character deaths, I’d put this scene in a top 5 list for Buffy’s saddest moments. He reminds her that he never stopped protecting Dawn, but then he backtracks on that idea, talks about the night she died. The way he blames himself...he erases everything else and only sees that he should’ve died protecting Dawn so Buffy wouldn’t of had to jump. And then he tells her he did save her, like it’s a sure fact, before saying he didn’t save her when it counted but he has every night since. This part is so easy to imagine: Spike laying in bed at night, maybe thinking, maybe dreaming about doing something different. About finding some other way to save Buffy, about pretending the last 147 days didn’t happen. He loses himself in his explanation, finally assuring Buffy, “Every night, I save you.”

Giles and Tara’s duet

The episode: “Once More, With Feeling”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Willow and Giles share a song, both expressing the need (but not desire) leave the one person they love the most. Giles, singing as a father; Tara singing as a lover. Both grieving the future loss of a relationship they wish they didn’t have to let go.

Why I cried: This little tidbit of a song gets me every time. Individually, Giles and Tara singing about losing Buffy and Willow respectively is heartbreaking on its own--but together...they both have to leave but for separate reasons, they both don’t want to leave for separate reasons, they both recognize the ending of their separate relationships. The power in this song is how a father and a lover can sing about a daughter and partner, say the exact same thing, mean the exact same thing, but for completely different circumstances.

“You have to go on living, so one of us is living.”

The episode: “Once More, With Feeling”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: As Buffy is dancing, about to go up in flame, Spike catches her. He sings to her about life and tells her that, even though it’s hard, she has to keeping living because that’s the only way she’ll heal.

Why I cried: This is another moment where Spike seems to know just what to say. He’s simply telling Buffy to keep fighting, like she’s always done. He’s telling her that she has to live so at least one of them is living. It’s as close to selfless as we’ve seen from Spike thus far or will see from him until his soul. It’s all for Buffy.

Tara realizes the truth

The episode: “Tabula Rasa”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Xander accidentally steps on the crystal used to facilitate the memory spell, thus breaking it. Tara, realizing Willow had again cast a spell to affect her memory, cries for the loss of their relationship.

Why I cried: It’s a very sudden moment, and that makes it harsher to watch. Willow had previously fallen on top of Tara and was still there when the spell was broken, so Tara shoved her off and stood up immediately. The jolt of the movement punctuated the possible finality of Willow and Tara.

“Goodbye To You”

The episode: “Tabula Rasa”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Michelle Branch sings “Goodbye To You,” we see two endings and a beginning. Giles flies out for London and Tara leaves Willow. Simultaneously, Buffy and Spike indulge in each other for the second time.

Why I cried: Let’s start with Giles. So, the saddest part about Giles’ portion of this moment is that he’s alone now. No more Buffy, no more magic shop, he’s totally alone. Dawn feels betrayed by the crumble of Willow and Tara’s relationship. Tara feels guilty about that, but she also feels sorrow for having no other choice but to leave. Willow feels remorse and pain. Meanwhile, Buffy seemingly turns Spike away after he tries to comfort her from the spell being broken, as she was slammed back into her life that she’d described before as “painful”--until she decides she wants him. And Spike gets to indulge in his need for her. Through all of these goodbyes, at least someone got the (albeit brief) happiness that they needed.

Willow’s breakdown

The episode: “Wrecked”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: After meeting with Rack, a black magic dealer, Willow crashes a vehicle with Dawn in the passenger seat. Dawn subsequently is nearly killed by a demon, saved just in time by Spike and Buffy. Spike takes Dawn home as Willow has a breakdown, exclaiming that she can’t stop using magic, that she ruined everything.

Why I cried: When you see a character, especially one you love, completely shatter in front of you, that has an impact. Willow was just so limp and weak in that moment, a moment where she admitted that she was wrong and that she needed help. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her to come to that conclusion, how much the guilt of nearly killing Dawn was eating at her. And yet, in this moment of weakness, she asked Buffy for help. And that is the strongest thing she could’ve done.

“I could never be your girl.”

The episode: “Dead Things”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Johnathan, Warren, and Andrew devise a plan to frame Buffy for the accidental murder of Warren’s ex-girlfriend. After their plan was successful, Buffy planned to turn herself in. Spike, however, wasn’t going to let Buffy throw her life away because of an accident. She began hitting him as Spike egged her on, told her to put it all on him. When she did, he said, “That’s my girl.” To this, Buffy hit him faster and harder, screaming that she could never be his girl because he was a soulless, evil “thing.”

Why I cried: The first part of why this scene is so emotional is because Buffy is trying so hard to deny that she enjoys being with Spike. Combine that with the guilt from “killing” that girl, and Buffy’s portion of this scene is extremely intense. Now, for Spike’s. Seeing Spike get insulted and beat on and emotionally torn up, crushes me. Considering all he’d done in the past, yes, he deserved it. But considering that he was trying, he definitely didn’t deserve it. And even after all that, he still tried to keep her from going into that police station. And Buffy looked horrified when she took in what she’d done to Spike. “You always hurt the one you love, pet.”

Buffy confides in Tara

The episode: “Dead Things”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy had previously asked Tara to test her and see if she’d come back from the grave wrong. When Tara confirmed that nothing was wrong with her, Buffy broke down, insisting that there must be for her to let Spike touch her. Tara assured her that it was alright and that she understood. Buffy, not wanting to be forgiven, laid her head in Tara’s lap and begged for Tara not to forgive her.

Why I cried: The small thing here is that Buffy and Tara’s relationship is being built up by this, which is the one positive thing. But, it’s just overwhelmingly sad that Buffy feels so horrible for being with Spike and increasingly more sad that she thinks she should be punished for it. Of course, there’s more in her that’s broken aside from her attraction to Spike, but the sheer shame in her eyes is completely heartbreaking.

“You glow.”

The episode: “Hell’s Bells”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy attempt to be civil after their break-up. Spike tells Buffy that it’s nice to see her happy, even if it isn’t with him, because he doesn’t get to see it a lot. He tells her she glows, and then she does.

Why I cried: The thing that kept running through my mind during this scene was that if they had simply treated each other like this before, they would’ve been beautiful together.

Xander leaves Anya at the altar

The episode: “Hell’s Bells”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Xander, afraid of ending up like the man in his falsified vision or even like his parents, leaves Anya at the altar on their wedding day.

Why I cried: Anya was supposed to be the one to leave. Anya was supposed to be the scared partner, afraid of getting hurt. Instead, Xander was the one to leave. Because he was afraid of hurting her. Unfortunately, both Xander and Anya did or got exactly what they didn’t want.

Xander and Buffy catch Anya and Spike

The episode: “Entropy”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Due to a camera put in the Magic Box by the Trio, Xander and Buffy see Spike and Anya having sex. Xander, determined to kill Spike, is chased down by Buffy who stops him. Xander and Anya argue about Xander’s choice to leave Anya at the altar. Xander says he can’t look at her anymore because she’s been with Spike. It’s at this moment that Spike reveals his previous involvement with Buffy, causing a rift between all four of them.

Why I cried: It’s just one of those scenes that all you can do is sit back and watch as it all crumbles in front of you. You want to agree with Buffy and Xander because they’re the traditional “good guys,” but they are the ones who left Anya and Spike out in the cold. A lot of conflicting emotions for the viewer.

Spike attempts to rape Buffy

The episode: “Seeing Red”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike goes to apologize to Buffy for hurting her because of his encounter with Anya. Buffy tells him that, although she has feelings for him, it isn’t love. This is misconstrued by Spike, leading to an attempted rape that is quickly derailed by Buffy kicking Spike off.

Why I cried: I could go on about this scene. The very first time I watched this, I didn’t cry. I didn’t do anything. I just sat there, completely frozen. I felt helpless, hopeless. I couldn’t stop what was happening, I couldn’t look away. I understood fully and entirely what was going on in this scene, what the point was. I knew that Spike instantly regretted what he did, that he didn’t even register until afterwards what it was that he’d almost done. I knew Buffy knew that too. But all I could think was, “This is it. This is how Spike and Buffy’s story ends.” And it just saddened me so much. It made me so empty to think that this was how the greatest love story I’d ever seen before got it’s end. I just felt like the world drained away and all that was left was hopelessness. I remember I had to shut off my computer afterwards and sit in silence for hours, not moving, not thinking, just hurting. And then the tears came. Because of all that I mentioned above, it all hit me and once and I broke. I couldn’t and, really still can’t, touch that scene. To this day, it just brings back the feeling that nothing matters and hope is lost.

Tara dies

The episode: “Villains”

My rating: 5/5

The moment: After Tara is shot and killed by Warren, Willow weeps over her body.

Why I cried: It’s Tara. It’s Tara and it’s Willow and it’s not fair. It’s not fair that they only got to be happy again for a moment before it was all ripped away. It isn’t fair that Willow has to feel pain like that. It’s just not fair.

Yellow crayon

The episode: “Grave”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Xander goes to Willow, who is bent on destroying the world. He tells her that if she plans on destroying the world, he’s going with her. He repeats that he loves her, angering her at first, but eventually getting through to her as he tells her one last time.

Why I cried: It’s just a very powerful moment coming from Xander. After all both of them have been through: losing their loves together (whether that be Cordy and Oz or Anya and Tara), growing up together, staying together through all the pain. Of all the relationships on the show, Xander and Willow have got to have the strongest one.

Willow cries in Xander’s arms

The episode: “Grave”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: After talking her down, Xander is finally able to embrace Willow as she comes back to herself.

Why I cried: He did it. Xander saved the world. Xander, the guy who always considers himself useless. He saved the world. And he saved Willow. How amazing is he?

The church scene

The episode: “Beneath You”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike reveals to Buffy that he got his soul back. He first tells her that his soul has been torturing him ever since he got it back, that he doesn’t blame her for not loving him, that he feels terribly for trying to hurt her. He then asks why everything isn’t fixed, confused by the fact that his soul is causing more trouble than it is fixing him. He then rests on a cross, burning himself as Buffy watches in the distance.

Why I cried: The whole scene, Spike is saying seemingly nonsensical things that all add up to him telling Buffy about how miserable he’s been since he got his soul back. Knowing the pain he went through to get his soul in the first place and that he’s in pain still is enough to tear anyone up. But my pain comes when Spike says he wasn’t a good man--or rather, a man at all--before he got his soul. That moment when his voice breaks and he tells Buffy he got his soul for her so that he could be worthy of being. And then he lays himself on the cross, a symbol for the fact that he’s still a monster, still worthy of pain and unworthy of love. And Buffy looks to be a combination of horrified and guilty as she stares on at this man that went through Hell for her and can’t find his way back.

“Stay here, and help me be quiet.”

The episode: “Help”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy comes down the basement to ask Spike for his help in saving a girl that is meant to die on that day. She asks Spike if there is any evil in the basement, and he identifies himself as the evil because he hurt Buffy. Once Buffy realizes he has nothing useful for her, she begins to walk away. Spike calls after her and asks her to stay with him to help him be quiet. Buffy replies that it’s worse when she’s there and walks away.

Why I cried: Spike just looks so beaten. When Buffy speaks to him, he uses her voice to ground him and keep him in reality. You can see him trying to think, trying to stay there in the moment. Trying to understand what she’s asking of him. And he says that he’s paying (with the pain from his soul) because he hurt Buffy. He doesn’t want to hurt the girl. Finally, as Buffy walks away from him, he pleads with her to stay there, to help him keep the voices out. She denies his plea and leaves him sitting alone.

“It’s still all about you.”

The episode: “Sleeper”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy accuses Spike of killing the girl he went out with the night before. Spike tells her he couldn’t have, because he got his soul. Furthermore, he’s offended that she thinks he would go to the trouble of getting his soul back just to kill again. He tells her he does go out and talk to women, but only because he can’t talk to her. Spike continues, saying that, unlike the chip, the soul he got on his own, for her. As Buffy’s telling him she knows that, Spike says that he only passes time with other women because at the end of the day, it’s still all about her.

Why I cried: Spike is trying so hard here to make her believe that he’d really, undeniably changed. And he looks so hurt that she really thinks he’d kill someone after all he went through to be better. More than that, he’s so terrified that somehow he did do it. Because he doesn’t want to be the bad man anymore. This whole scene is just pure emotion.

“Do it fast, okay?”

The episode: “Sleeper”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike asks Buffy to kill him in this scene. He mentions that “He” said she would do it, prompting Buffy to ask him what he remembered about the killings. Spike, upon saying that he doesn’t remember anything, begs to forget what he’d done. Buffy tells him that something mystical has been messing with him, to which Spike responds by asking her to help him, and Buffy agrees.

Why I cried: He looks so small. That’s not something we’re used to seeing. This big, bad, 100+ year old vampire is cowering in the corner, begging for death by the hands of the Slayer. And the way his voice breaks when he asks Buffy, “Do it fast, okay?” just breaks my heart. All he wants to do is stop the pain, whether that means ending his life or forgetting it ever happened.

“I believe in you, Spike.”

The episode: “Never Leave Me”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Spike insists that Buffy kill him before he can hurt anyone else because of the First. Buffy assures him that if he hadn’t really changed, he’d already be dead. She tells him that he fought every evil instinct he had to be the good man standing in front of her. Right before the Bringers break in and kidnap Spike, Buffy looks at him and tells him she believes in him.

Why I cried: During this scene, all I think about is how much they’ve grown, namely Buffy. I think about all the negative feelings she had towards Spike, how she realized that she didn’t need to feel those things anymore. She let go of the hate she had for him and instead put faith where hate had previously resided. Faith for Spike. That’s a damn big change. Just the way Spike looks back at her... He is totally and completely surprised by what she’s said. It’s hard to put that into words, but he’s so taken aback by the fact that she believes in him. In my opinion, it isn’t, “You believe in me?” It’s, “You really believe in me?” That’s what makes it magnificent.

Spike resists the First

The episode: “Bring on the Night”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: The First interrogates and tortures Spike, who refuses to give over to whatever the First has planned. The First challenges him, asks him why he thinks he’ll be any good at all in the world as something other than evil. Spike simply says, “She does. Because she believes in me.”

Why I cried: So, for one, resisting the most powerful force of evil ever is hard enough, especially since Spike, as a vampire, is supposed to be evil by nature. But Spike isn’t resisting because the First hurt him. He isn’t resisting because he wants to be a good man. He's resisting because Buffy believes he can be a good man. And that’s enough.

Buffy saves Spike

The episode: “Showtime”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike, becoming doubtful that Buffy would risk her life to save him, looks up to see her standing in front of him with a knife in her hand. Sure that it’s the First playing with his emotions again, he insists she’s not real. Buffy, without a word, cuts him free of his bonds. They look at each other, relieved, and walk out of the cave, free.

Why I cried: Look at his face. He was so scared that Buffy wouldn’t come for him, even though he’d tried to convince himself that she would. When she does come for him, he just looks so happy. Almost in awe of her and his love for her and his elation at seeing her and knowing she cared for him enough to save him. And Buffy. I think upon seeing Spike that joyful, she got overwhelmed herself. Almost assuring him with her eyes that, “I’m here,” but also feeling that heavy emotion with him. All together, a peaceful and beautiful scene.

“I’m not ready for you to not be here.”

The episode: “First Date”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Spike suggests that he leave town in the case that the First wasn’t done using him yet. Buffy tells him he’s not going to leave. Misunderstanding, Spike tells her that with Wood around, she won’t need him in the final fight. But Buffy corrects him and tells him that’s not why she needs him to stay. Spike asks her what her reasoning is and she says, “’Cause I’m not ready for you to not be here.”

Why I cried: Let’s talk Spike first. He looks as though he’s discovered for the first time that Buffy feels something more for him. And I think it confuses him. Buffy doesn’t just disregard the idea that she only needs Spike for the fight, she doesn’t even make that a possibility. She could’ve said she needed him for the fight as well, but also because she just needed him. But instead she implies that the only reason he has to stay is because she needs him. That is...wow.

Andrew closes the Hellmouth

The episode: “Storyteller”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Buffy tells Andrew that, unlike other people’s blood, his will close the Hellmouth rather than open it. Andrew fears that Buffy is going to kill him, and Buffy makes him see how horrible it was that he’d killed Johnathan. She holds him over the Hellmouth as he cries, and as his tears hit the Hellmouth’s opening, it closes.

Why I cried: Andrew’s redemption arc was something that I took very well and appreciated. Knowing the First’s affect on people can shed some light onto why Andrew would’ve killed Johnathan, no matter how bad of a decision it was. So, seeing him repent like this is hard. At the same time, you can see Buffy feels a little bad for causing him pain, even though she was mostly only doing it to close the portal to the Hellmouth. It’s also the first real time we see Andrew gain any acceptance from Buffy. It’s very touching.

Buffy gets kicked out

The episode: “Empty Places”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: The potentials, Buffy’s friends, and fellow Slayer, Faith decide to vote Buffy out of her leadership role. They state that she’s too reckless and controlling and that they’d much rather be under Faith’s command (much to Faith's dismay). Buffy then leaves with one last plea for Faith to protect them.

Why I cried: Here’s the thing, it’s hard to watch because everybody in this scene is right. Buffy is right about the vineyard holding something important to their battle. The group is right that she’s been too brash and bossy about her decision making. Buffy is wrong in assuming that her opinion is the only one that matters, and the group is wrong to throw her out of her house. Just knowing that there’s a better solution to this situation makes it horrible to watch.

Spike gives Buffy strength

The episode: “Touched”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Spike finds Buffy in an abandoned house, saddened by the realization that she had lost herself in her journey as Slayer. As a part of Buffy confiding in Spike, she mentions that he only wanted her because she was unattainable. This prompts Spike to sit her down and tell her why it is he loves her, giving Buffy back the confidence that she needs to finish the fight.

Why I cried: All this scene is, is Spike totally and utterly being there for Buffy. He’s not doing it for selfish reasons. He’s not doing it as a backdoor way to tell her yet again that he loves her. He’s only saying these things to Buffy for Buffy. He only wants for her to see herself the way he does, the way many do. And, for the first time, he tells her why he loves her, not just that he does. Which is something I don’t think he could articulate before his soul. And Buffy is just so touched by what he’s saying, she’s washed away by this man sitting in front of her. There’s nothing better.

Spike holds Buffy

The episode: “Touched”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: As Spike prepares to sleep either in another room or on a chair in the same room as Buffy, she calls to him and asks him to hold her. The two spend the night together in each other’s arms.

Why I cried: It’s just lovely, isn’t it? To see them be intimate? Especially amidst every other character in this montage making love. Spike and Buffy had their turn to be physical, now they get the chance to just be with each other. Spike goes to Buffy with no hesitation after she asks him to hold her, at first prepared to do whatever made her comfortable. It’s another moment where Spike removes himself from the situation, only there to be there for Buffy. Absolutely lovely.

“Terrified.”

The episode: “End of Days”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy asks Spike how he felt about the night before, the night they spent together. He tells her he’s terrified. He says that the night before was the best night of his life. Buffy tells him she was there with him just before the two decide to leave the rest of this discussion until after they “go be heroes.”

Why I cried: Goodness, where do I start? Both of them are afraid the previous night didn’t mean as much to the other as it did to them. Buffy finally decides that she wants to lay out her feelings for Spike and know his feelings for her. Spike is terrified that he loves her so much, that he might lose her, that she may not want him. And when Buffy tells him she was completely in that moment with him...oh my God, Spike’s face. He’s just so hopeful. After all the Hell they’ve both been through, they find hope in each other.

Buffy calls Spike a champion

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy comes home, after her talk with Angel, with an amulet that is meant to be worn by a champion to save the world. The champion is meant to have a soul but be more than human, so Spike tells Buffy that if Angel wasn’t staying to wear it, then he should instead. Buffy tells him that it’s meant to be worn by a champion, and Spike’s expression falls just before Buffy steps forward and places it in his hand.

Why I cried: Buffy set that up on purpose specifically to show Spike how deeply she felt about him and to make him happy. You can see in her eyes that she’s trying to convey the way she feels, and Spike glows when she implies that he is a champion. This little moment between them is breathtaking.

Buffy and Spike spend their last night together

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy look at each other fondly before spending the night--what they assume to be their last night alive--together.

Why I cried: All together, these silent few moments mean so much. They could’ve spent their last night with anyone, but they decided to spend it with each other. That alone shows how much they mean to one another. A happy moment to preface the end of their story on Buffy.

Anya dies

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: In her heroic effort to save Andrew’s life, Anya sacrifices her own.

Why I cried: Anya finally got to be brave. She wasn’t running away anymore, she took her stand and became a warrior. It’s a bittersweet goodbye knowing that she and Xander could’ve come together again, but in the end, Anya died a hero.

Spike and Buffy’s goodbye

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Spike’s amulet activates, Buffy rushes over to him. Spike tells her he’s staying behind to finish the job, and Buffy grabs his hand, igniting a flame. Buffy then says a long awaited, “I love you.” Spike responds, “No you don’t, but thanks for saying it.”

Why I cried: Why did I cry? I cried because Buffy loved him as soon as their hand’s clasped. I cried because Spike didn’t believe her. I cried because they’d come so far just to lose each other. I cried because within this tragic moment, this made me happier than anything. I cried because it’s Spike and Buffy.

Spike dies

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 5/5

The moment: Spike sacrifices himself to save the world.

Why I cried: I was in denial that he was dead up until the end. I couldn’t believe it. Spike’s journey is the single most amazing thing ever to be shown, not just on Buffy, but anywhere. In his final moments, he gets to be a good man--a champion. Spike isn’t just a secondary character. He isn’t just someone Buffy had a relationship with. Spike became so important to the show and to its viewers that he got to save the world in the biggest, baddest final battle. And he didn’t just save the world, he saved himself. And he saved Buffy. He saved his world, and that was enough to give him peace in this final moment.

“That’s my girl.”

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Andrew tells Xander what happened with Anya, that she died saving his life. Xander bears a sad smile as he says, “That’s my girl.”

Why I cried: Xander didn’t get angry or cry or break down. He was just proud. And even with all the pain Xander and Anya caused each other, she never stopped being his girl.

“Spike.”

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy reunites with the gang, and Giles asks what caused the massive destruction left behind after the Hellmouth was destroyed. Buffy simply replies, “Spike.”

Why I cried: Spike deserved to be the last word said from Buffy’s mouth. And, much like Xander’s reaction to Anya’s death, Buffy looks to be a combination of sad and proud. So proud that Spike saved them all in the end, even if she had to lose him.

The End

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Buffy looks on at the remains (or lack thereof) of Sunnydale, her home, destroyed. But, as the gang asks what they do now that the battle is over, Buffy smiles, excited for this end and for another beginning.

Why I cried: Because this is the end. It’s that feeling of punctuation, of finality. You reflect on all that has happened before this point and all it’s done for you. And then you realize that it’s over. But at the same time, you know that nothing ever really ends.

Okay, I hope you enjoyed this depressingly wonderful post, and I hope I made you cry. Honestly, I do. In all seriousness, it’s everything about this show, not just its sad moments, that made me (and so many others) better than we were. I’ll always look to Buffy because, even in its tragedies, it makes me stronger.

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