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rezdogsyonder · 4 years

Text

Changing

Pairing: Peter Parker x Tall!Reader

Summary: Peter has found his soulmate but does she feel the same? Basically a soulmate au but different

Warnings: kidnapping, drugging,

A/N: Peter is aged up. Also I changed his powers just a tiny bit just one thing and the rest is the same.

This peice is unfinished and it will remain unfinished because I’m leaving tumblr and will not be returning. If you wish to continue this you may.

*********

Fuck. Not right now. Not today.

That’s all you can think as you’re nearly late for your first day as an photographer. It isn’t the first place you wanted to work for but you need the money. Well probably not a “real” photographer. You’re not hired for the job on a regular basis, but for their front page photos of Spider-Man. It’s cool, Spider-Man won’t let anybody else take his photos.

Well, it’s not really your first day but it’s the first day that Jameson is actually considering you as his official Spider-Man photographer. Before you usually would email him asking if he needed more photos and now he is finally now telling you that you’re going to be the official photographer for the weekly Spider-Man pieces.

You have started a blog for the hero and hopefully it will gain traction and maybe you’ll get to make an income from it. But for now you have to sell your photos to the Daily Bugle.

The rent is due Friday and you get a check from the gas station you work at that day, it won’t be enough to cover it though. But with a check after each batch of photos you provide will put you way over the green this pay day.

You’re rushing about your medium sized 1 room apartment. This place was a gem, the only reason this place was as cheap as a studio is because a billboard was directly across from the extremely large windows. Lighting up your entire apartment. It didn’t bother you much, it saved on electricity from never having to turn on the lights and all you needed was blackout curtains in your room.

You are not changing shirts but you squeeze into a pair of black pants. The grey boyfriend cardigan getting tucked in the back, but it doesn’t deter you from running to the bathroom and vigorously brushing your teeth. You’ll have to forgo the entire makeup routine but you have time for foundation and mascara.

Rushing back into your bedroom you pull a pair of socks from the top drawer of your dresser and look at your alarm clock. 9:42. 18minutes till you’re late. Well you know in Jameson’s eyes you are already late but he screams at you no matter what.

Your second shoe is tied, you got your purse and it has your wallet, phone, and keys already. You run out of your room and in the hallway of the complex. Fuck, locking these doors seems to be the longest part of leaving. 3 locks, self installed with the extra long screws. Never needed this much security before but some blind asshole next door seems to always be getting into fights. Like what the fuck, how hard is it to not fight someone, and then he leads them here.

Once the doors are locked and you’re out of the building you look at your phone. 9:44. 16 minutes to go around 2 miles. Well broadway cuts across, so probably less, but anyways you gotta run it. Now you’re not the most fit person, but you are able to push yourself more than what others would think you’d be able to.

Dodging people and avoiding running into the road, you make it to the first turn. Basically a straight shot now, but it seems as though people are wanting to be in your way today. You would love a bike right about now. Though you’d have a really high chance of getting hit by a car. But it’s right about the same risk since you are not stopping at the do not walk signs.

One car almost did hit you, but it braked in time but not without you slapping the hood as you went by. Not on purpose but from loss of balance. Well you probably would have slapped it anyways. Your face burns from the run, and the heat, it is the end of summer but it is still pretty hot out.

Oh god, this is awful, you’re just a more than halfway and you nearly ran into an old man and his wife outside of m&m world.

“Sorry!” You shout back but it’s not very loud and sounds winded. You won’t stop though.

Just a couple more turns. Just two more turns. Just one more. You keep telling yourself that you’re almost there, legs straining the muscles from the over exertion.

You get into the building and run to the elevator. You know you probably look unprofessional right about now but you don’t care. You just need to catch your breath.

You press the right floor and dig through your purse. The small mirror being a lifesaver as of recently, since being late is seeming to become a common ovccurance. You pat your forehead with the sleeve of your cardigan. You don’t look too bad, but not the best. You check the time, 9:58. Not bad, you’ll be just 1 minute early. The elevator ride giving you just enough time to breath properly.

The elevator doors open to the busy floor, and you go over to Jameson’s assistant, not even reaching her desk before she points her pen behind her to his office.

“L/N!” He immediately shouts, “Where are those photos?” He is still looking out the window behind his desk.

“Right here sir,” you pull the envelope out of your purse holding it out for him to take it. Which he does, ripping the lip of the envelope and begins examining your photos.”

“850. Tell Betty on your way out.” He plops you’re photos on his desk.

“850? That’s not my rate, there are 12 photos there.”

“These just aren’t worth your usual rate. 850.” He argues back, you’ve seen this before, had you been any smaller or even sitting he would have put his hands on his desk and leaned towards you to seem intimidating, but right now he looks like a child with his hands balled at his side.

“65 per photo or I go to The Post.” You won’t back down. That’s nearly a thousand, and you don’t want to let it go, even if it is less than 200 more than what he offered but you need it.

He stares at you, he’s turning red now in the ears. You collect your photos calling his bluff.

“Fine,” he grumbles, he presses a button on the small speaker on his desk, “Betty, write out a check for L/N for 975.” He released the button and you put the photos down. “Get out of here, she’ll call when we have another piece.”

“You’re a peach,” you smiled as you back out of his office. “Hey Betty, how’re you doing this week?”

“Just fine, but his wife wants me to control his anger as soon as his meds are sorted. Not looking forward to that.” She finishes filling out the check on her computor, and with one last click that is so familiar to you now, you know she printed it.

“Jesus, I do not want to be here for that.” You step back four steps to the printer and rip off the receipt at the bottom that she needs to keep and hand it to her. “Good luck, because you will need it. Thanks, see you next week!” You wave bye as the doors close.

Letting out a sigh of relief, and tucking your check into your wallet. You’re glad you won’t have to worry anymore. With this check you’ll have four or five hundred more than you’ll need for rent, meaning you won’t have to scrape by for grocerys.

You better hurry though, you have an hour till your next shift at the gas station and you still need a shower.

**********

The hours are going by slowly, with few customers to keep you distracted. Just 4 more hours and you get to call it a night. It has already been 6 hours since you clocked in and there had only been a handful of customers, making the day uncharacteristically slow.

Your phone begins vibrating on the small fridge below the counter, the shift managers name on the display screen. Seeing as there’s no customers you think it is fine to answer.

“Hello? Debby?” You greet subconciously.

“Y/N I have some bad news.” She pauses, “the person who is supposed to relieve you is refusing to come in. She quit.”

“What am I supposed to do? I’ve been here since 11:30, I don’t think it’s allowed for me to work past 1. Wasn’t her shift supposed to last till 8?”

“Yes I know but you are legally allowed to work till 4:30, and that is when I’ll take over because I cannot find another person to cover her shift. It’s only alright because I’m switching your shift tomorrow with Alex and you’ll have the day off to recuperate. Then it’s your usual day off the next so I think that’s enough time to get back to normal.”

“So I’m leaving at 4:30?” Disbelief evident in your voice.

“Yes, I’m sorry, I would get there now but John doesn’t come home until late tonight because he took the graveyard shift at his job and I can’t leave J.C. alone.”

“Yeah I understand, family comes first.”

“Thank you, you’re the best. See ya later.”

“Yeah, see you.”

You put down your phone and mentally prepare yourself for another 11 hours.

**********

Three red bulls, and a seasonal pumpkin spice coffee from the dispenser and it was almost midnight.

Many more customers has came in after the call, the universe seemingly wanting to tire you out further. Then it began slowing down again after 9. The time you were supposed to be going home if Patricia didn’t fucking refuse to come in.

It was about that time that a young man came in, wearing a dark suit but without the blazer. Sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Light brown hair and pale skin, he looked breathtaking. He quickly rounds to the back grabbing three of the big bottles of water.

“Just these for me...” he trails off as he sniffs, then he looks up and makes eye contact with you.

You two are staring at each other for a few seconds, his stare becoming unbearable and you look away.

“Ok sir... that’ll be 5.97.” You still feel his gaze. Refusing to look up, you bag his things. You hear his card slide through the machine.

“Thank you sir, have a nice night.”

“Yeah... you too.” And with that he was gone. Leaving you to think about this stranger for the rest of your shift.

**********

As promised, Debbie came at 4:30. You left to walk home. It was nice living basically across the street from your work. A short walk, but you still felt a sense of unease.

Looking all around you, you don’t spot any suspicious people. Not even one heading in the same direction as you. You let out a small sigh as you cross the road. But it does nothing to calm your nerves.

You’re trying not to seem panicked as you try to get through the door to your building but it might be obvious with how you’re shaking.

Past the door you let go if your breath that you didn’t know you were holding. Finally able to calm down. You walked to apartment, using the elevator instead of the stairs.

Once at your door your heart beat seems to have gone back to normal, but before you even put your key in the door you feel the hairs at the back of your neck stand up. You don’t know what it is, maybe it’s just a chill.

Unlocking all the locks you go inside, greeted by the bright pink fluorescent lights. You shut the door behind you and drop your bag on the floor. Too tired to care. Moving to go into your room, knowing that you’re not going to change into pajamas either.

Well probably take of the pants. Yeah, jeans are never comfy.

Shoes kicked off, pants off, bra off with some difficulty from your long sleeves, blankets pulled back and you’re ready for bed. You’re getting in when you hear a creek in the living room, but you don’t see anyone so it’s maybe the upstairs neighbours.

You turn around once more to lay down and you feel a pinprick at your neck. You slump over and you feel hands at your shoulders, picking you up in their arms.

Eyes won’t open, and you are quickly losing consciousness.

“Shh, you’re safe with me.”

*********

Your head is pounding, that’s what wakes you up. You still feel groggy and it makes your eyelids feel incredibly heavy. You want to sleep for more but your eyes keep fighting to open.

Once they do you are met with a room that is not your own. Everything is white, except the headboard which is a light grey, matching the bedside table. You look around, about 6 feet from the foot of the bad is a back door and there’s a bathroom to the left of the bed with the door wide open.

You run to the closed door, you grasp the handle but you get a head rush and are unable to turn the handle for a good 5 seconds. It’s no use though, the door was locked, and it doesn’t seem like a regular lock. It seems more advanced, it’s a regular handle but it’s warm, and doesn’t have any keyhole. It’s also not as big as a hotel handle, like the ones with the scanners. Irrelevant, but your mind is running a million miles an hour and you’re trying really hard to not panic.

You realize that you aren’t wearing your pants but a pair of sweats were at the edge of the king bed. You quickly pull them on. Your kidnapper has already seen your ass, but it’s a little bit comforting. Your bladder is full and it is more apparent now than a couple minutes ago.

They aren’t here yet, better be quick. You half jog into the bathroom it has a large sink and a nice looking shower, but you don’t want to use it due to there being no lock on the bathroom door and the shower door is glass. Not even one of those blurred glass doors, it is crystal clear.

You had already peed and we’re washing your hands when you hear a small beep and the locks opening. You’re drying your hands when you hear a knock at the door. You don’t answer.

Another knock, you stared at the door, a low sigh is heard and the door swings open.

It was the man from last night, except now he was covering his eyes with his hand.

“I swear I’m not looking but please come out right now.”

“... alright.” You’re voice is a little rough and just above a whisper.

“Thank you.” He turned around leaving the door open and you follow.

“Come with me.” he waves his hand over the lock and the beep is heard again.

He leads you through the door into a long hallway, when he turned to the left so did you. There’s no point in running when he would catch you in less than 2 seconds.

You pass by 4 doors, one on your left and three on your right. The fifth door on the right you entered and it was an office.

“Sit.” And you did, he sat behind the large desk and leaned forward with his elbows on it. “I need to tell you something that would be hard to hear. Hell, hard to believe, but just know that everything I’m telling you is true.”

You nodded when he paused and looked at you. You felt so out of place and uncomfortable. Heart beating so fast and hard, it feels as though it’s bursting out of your chest. Your hands slightly shaking and feet tapping where you sat on the edge of this obviously expensive chair.

“I’m going to be frank with you alright? You are my soulmate.”

You freeze, “wait... what?” You didnt believe it, he was right. He’s crazy. Soulmates were a rare thing in this world. How would he know? He only knew you for 5 seconds so why does he know? Why would he take you?

“We are soulmates. I felt it when I first met eyes with you, I know that you did too. I took you here because, to put it simply, you would be safe. There are many people after me and if they learned of your existsence they would find you and use you against me.”

“H-how do I know your not lying?” You stare at the lines in the wood of his desk, refusing to look up. When you look him in the eyes you feel the same pull that you did back at the gas station. You hear rustling and you glance up for just a second, then you look back when you realize it’s just his arm that he wants you to look at.

He begins rolling his sleeves like the way you saw last night. Or was it even still the next day? You don’t know. Not seeing any clock or any windows since you were at your home.

Beautiful lines are spread across his forearm and you realize it wasn’t there before. “Can you look at your arm?” His voice is gentle, like he’s trying to be comforting.

You stare at his arm as you pull your sleeve up, then you look down at a blank arm. You pull up your other sleeve just as roughly and see the same tattoo that he has. You touch it gently as though it’ll smear if you are as rough as you were two seconds ago.

“Mine showed up a little after I stepped out of that store. I guess you didn’t notice yours.” You rub at yours and it won’t come off, and the skin isn’t raised as though you have a regular tattoo.

“What does this mean?”

“This means that you are now mine.” You feel tears welling in your eyes.

“So I can’t go home?”

“No, and some things are going to change.” You look at him wide eyed, fearful for the changes that he has in mind.

“So I’m sure you have heard of the powered people of New York, and I am telling you that I am one of them. Not only that, but I am a member of the avengers.” He pauses, you feel his eyes on you and you can only assume he is trying to gauge your reaction. “But I didn’t achieve my abilities through government testing or anything of the sort. I was bit by a mutant spider and I gained the spiders abilities.”

“You’re... Spider-Man?”

“That’s right. Now that you’re here, I will have to give you the same abilities I have so that we will be on equal grounds.”

“How are you going to do that?” You look up at his face.

“I will bite you of course.”

#avengers #marvel #avengers fic #marvel fic #peter #peter parker #spiderman #soulmates #soulmate au #dark!peter #dark!peter parker #dark!peter x reader #dark fic #dark fandom #dark fanfiction

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heyheshi · 4 years

Text

10 Years of One Direction

1.9k words

written and uploaded: July 23, 2020

🦋 - fluff

Please like and reblog! Also please don’t post my writings anywhere!

I wasn’t really planning on uploading this Thursday and this isn’t what I was supposed to write lmao, my mind is all over the place for the past few days due to 1D’s 10 year anniversary but oh well, here I am, waiting for Zayn to say something... anyway HAPPY 10 YEARS guys! More power to our family! Gosh I feel so old!

Masterlist

---------

"I'm almost done with the frosting babe!", you yelled from the kitchen hoping your boyfriend can hear you from his room upstairs. Slowly but surely, you wrote the delicate letters on the cake you made just for this occasion, "10 Years of One Direction".

"Come quick!", you heard footsteps descending from the stairs, "I'm done upstairs love, just gotta bring up the drinks.", Harry kissed your cheeks as he brushed passed you and opened the fridge to get some soda.

"Don't forget the wine. Is the laptop set up?", you asked finishing off the lettering with three exclamation marks.

"It's all done Y/N", your boyfriend laughs at you, "you're much more stressed than me! Loosen up lovie", he winked at you and run back upstairs. You just rolled your eyes and smiled.

You carefully placed the cake on the clean counter and cleaned up your mess. 30 minutes before midnight and you're not on your decent clothes yet!

Now, it's not exactly your fault why you're doing the cake this late. Your boyfriend thought that you made 2 cakes as that's what you both talked about but you decided to just make one and completely forgot to tell him.

You woke up nearing lunch - making a checklist on the things you need to get done for the day as preparation. Quickly eating breakfast (more like brunch) Harry made and started cleaning his room and did his laundry.

You often spend the night at his house so doing the domestic stuff for him is not much of a big deal to you. You basically live here anyway - but today needs extra work.

Around 2 p.m., you started to make the base of the cake as Harry leaves to go to the gym. You finished it, deciding to make the frosting later, and took a nap.

You woke up around 7 p.m., just in time to make dinner. On your way to the kitchen, you can hear H humming, something he does when he's alone. You smiled at the thought, cannot hold back yourself from kissing your boyfriend welcome so you run to where he is - quickly stopping in your track once you see him.

"Hi baby! The cake tastes so good, it'll be phenomenal with your frosting", you saw Harry eating the base of the cake smiling at you. You don't know how to react. Your mind working miles per minute.

"Har- i- babe! I only made one!"

"What do you mean you only made one, lovie?", Harry asked still eating the cake.

"I got tired earlier and just decided to make one...", face-palming yourself for your own carelessness.

"Oh shi- I, we can make another one! I'll make it! I'm so sor-",

"It's alright", you rounded the counter and kissed his messy lips, "I'll make another one, you can finish this one", you smiled reassuringly at him and squeezing his shoulder quick.

"I'll make our dinner, yea?", he offered. You can tell that he feels bad about eating the cake but it's really not a big deal at all. It's food, you're raised to share food and not spoil it. Plus you couldn't really be mad at Harry as he is your boyfriend and it's his special day in a few hours.

"Of course, I'll just start on a new batch.", you kissed Harry once again as you both started working in the kitchen.

Placing the mixture in the oven, the two of you eat the dinner around 8 p.m., Harry made your favorite Alfredo pasta knowing that he's trying to make it up to you.

Both of you being the slowest eater that you are, spent more than an hour eating - always teasing and flirting to each other like it's still the early stages in your relationship.

You told H to get his room ready and that you'll do the dishes instead and a little past 10 p.m., you're only starting on the mixture of the frosting.

Now, finally, you're ready to head upstairs and change into much cleaner clothes. Delicately holding the cake and walking slowly, you finally made it to Harry's room.

It looked like a huge fort, with his bed full of pillows and snacks and his laptop connected to the t.v. with their old music videos playing. You never pictured your boyfriend as the fairy lights type of guy but oh well this night, he is.

His room looks and feels really cozy, he even got balloons on his ceiling and the banner you made a few days ago is hung near his headboard.

You saw your boyfriend fixing the plastic table on the room where more snacks and utensils are placed. As if he can feel your presence, he looked back to the door where you are standing and quickly getting the cake off your hands to place on the table.

"Go get changed love, might as well binge on our old videos while waiting for them.", you only noticed that your boyfriend is already dressed for the occasion.

You forced him to wear their 1D merch with you. He is currently sporting a 1D pajama set, a Liam socks, and a Zayn beanie.

"You look cute babes!", you teased him and run to the bathroom to take a quick shower. You can hear him laughing at you and saying something sounding like "love her to death".

You changed to your own 1D pajama set matching with H and putting on a Narry socks and a Louis beanie and exiting his bathroom.

Harry is singing along to Perfect when you entered his room. You plopped into his bed and cuddled him.

"Ready?", you asked him giddily as you went to his laptop to open the zoom app.

"One kiss and I'm ready.", he winked at you and hugged you from behind. You shrugged him as a joke and pecked his nose.

After connecting his laptop on zoom, you both went back to bed and wait for the others. One by one, the other guys started joining the meeting.

"Harry! Y/N! Man, how's everything?", Liam greeted both of you with Bear on his lap. The three of you are in the middle of your conversation when another user joined in.

"Oi! What's up fuc- oh sh- sorry!", Louis raised his hand as he saw Bear on Liam's screen. El only laughed at her boyfriend and started talking with the rest of you.

Niall joined a bit later speaking without a sound. The rest of you reckoned that he's having a hard time setting up his zoom app until another user joined, and that's when Niall's audio started working.

"Ello lads! And ladies! And baby!", Niall cooed at Bear while Bear only stared at the web came, shyly.

"Sorry guys! Z is still in the bathroom! You know him!", the very pregnant Gigi joined the meeting as the others started talking to each other. You haven't met her in person so you're fangirling over her. Harry squeezed you to his side and laughed at you lightly.

"Hello hello!", at 11:59, Zayn finally appeared on the screen, Louis cheering for his best friend's appearance.

Everyone started talking, Bear being taken away to sleep after a few minutes.

"Was gonna egg your houses, except yours - Harry and Zayn. Liam and Niall, you keep dropping hints fooking hell!", Louis exclaimed while everyone laughed at him.

"I mea-"

"Shut up Liam!", Liam only laughed and put his hands in the air at Lou's antics.

"Harry, Y/N, you two looked like you really planned this!", Gigi complimented you both while you blushed whispering a thank you.

"She forced me to wear this! And look at her socks!", H raised your foot so the others can see it.

"Awe Y/N this is why I love youuu", Niall teased you. You haven't recovered from Gigi, now there's another teasing!

"Leave m’ girl alone! She's fangirling over Gigi!", you nudge Harry's ribs hard, feeling so embarrassed.

"Oh gosh, that's cute! I wanna meet you in person! I've already met El when we did this photoshoot, right El?", Gigi enthusiastically said as Zayn rubs his girlfriend's belly.

"Yes! We have to hang out! Ni and Li! Make sure your girlfriends join us!", Eleanor looks so happy and it makes you wonder how she does it in the midst of all the hate she receives. You and Harry aren't public yet and it makes you think of what will happen when you do.

"Harry keep it in your pants!", Lou suddenly shouted when he saw your boyfriend staring at you.

"M not doing an-"

"Baby fever man!", Niall laughed at Harry for being so obvious. You're so embarrassed at this point so Harry just flexed his room and the cake you made to remove turn the attention away from the both of you.

"Man, how do you think they'll react to the Infinity video?", Niall asked.

"Gonna be a blast, they don't know that Zayn had a part!", your boyfriend exclaimed beside you while everyone agrees. Within the next few hours, different websites will premier it and everyone can hardly wait.

Everyone stayed up until 5 a.m. catching up and reminiscing until they have to forcefully go to sleep for later. They can't wait to see each other for the interview with BBC where they'll be announcing their plans.

Each said goodbyes with a promise to arrive early to spend more time together before the taping starts at 12 p.m.

You and Harry both went to the bathroom to brush your teeth, Harry staring at you through the mirror as you did so.

"Mhve iwn wifh mo."

You rinsed your mouth with the water and replied, "what? I couldn't exactly understand you baby."

Harry finished rinsing his mouth, "I said move in with me... please."

"I- Harry re you sure? I mea-"

"Yes, I am! You're basically living here anyway! I want to take the next step with you.", he tried to woo you while hugging you in front of the mirror.

You nod and said yes. Turning around to kiss him.

"I love you", he said.

"Love you more", you kissed him once more, "Let's head to bed! You gotta be up nice and fresh for later," you tugged his hands towards his room and settled down.

“I always look good babyyy...”, and as much as you wanted to fight your boyfriend, he looks really cuddly now.

“Yes, you do, got a killer genes and all”, you run your hands through his hair smiling softly at him, as you felt your eyes became heavy.

“You do too! Our kids gonna have badass looks!"

“You definitely go a baby fever huh? Let's focus on your interview tomorrow first, yeah?”, you hugged him tight and tickled the back of his neck.

H only laughed, "Definitely got one, wanna be a father to our kids but I also can't wait for our fans to know what we're up to!", Harry placed his head on the crook of your neck.

“Good thing I want you to be the father of my future kids then... and tomorrow, they’re gonna love it! Gonna be thrilled about your announcement! Everyone’s been waiting for it! Happy 10 years again, so proud of you and everyone behind your band's success."

“Thank you lovie", Harry replied as he kissed your neck.

With that, you kissed his forehead goodnight and made sure your alarm is on to start the day.

-----

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anonsally · 4 years

Text

Days 79-82 of COVID-19 shelter-in-place

These have been four very intense days both globally and personally. This admittedly long post will focus more (but not exclusively) on the personal side of that.

Day 79 was Wednesday. I hadn’t had enough sleep, but I got up at a reasonable hour because I needed a ballet class. Before class started, I got a call from the medical center for scheduling a procedure I need to have done. That will be in 2 weeks, contingent on me testing negative for COVID-19 four days beforehand. I’m anxious about the procedure but will be glad to get it over with after several months of worry. Anyway, ballet class was good for calming me down.

It was hot out. I did my parents’ grocery shopping (and bought a few things for us) and then had a nice conversation with my dad when I dropped off his groceries. We talked about the state of the world. He told me about a city that had literally fired its entire police department and started over... which is what we probably need on a national level, with very few exceptions.

I refueled the car on the way home and got a predictably late start on my work day. Wife got two more job interviews scheduled at very different companies. I took a walk, spotting another Steller’s jay at the bird feeders. The jays are so much larger than the little birds who frequent the feeders!

I then went to try to buy milk, but the tiny independent market had closed early to enable the employees to get home before curfew. So I had to go to Trader Joe’s instead. By the time I got home I was somewhat demotivated about food prep, but luckily Wife pulled herself together and scrambled me an egg. I didn’t manage to get to bed till 1am, which was at least an hour later than I’d intended, but Wife was still up at 4am!

Day 80. I forced myself to get up at 8:30 since I knew I would need to go to bed early that night. I arranged to (video-)meet with my boss at 12:30. I started work around 11am or so and got a few thing done. The meeting with my boss was good--partly social, discussing how we were coping with the situation and working from home, what we missed about the office, and such, but we also talked about what I’ve been working on. She reminded me that the study section reviewing my grant application will be meeting this month, so I will have to remember to check my scores.

Afterwards we had a meeting with a few other coworkers, which was fairly productive. I had a short “coffee break” video call with a colleague, too. The county-wide curfew was lifted a day early.

After work, I took a walk in a direction I hadn’t gone in a while. Was heartened to see Black Lives Matter signs even in cul-de-sacs in a wealthy, mainly white neighborhood. I picked up takeout for dinner, and did a bunch of Adulting in the early evening, including preparing for the next morning. I was in bed by 10:45pm.

Day 81. My alarm got me up at 5am, and we left at 6am. We got to the medical center on time at 7am and I went in (Wife was not allowed to accompany me, but had to be there to drive me home; there was a separate room across the street for visitors to wait in, which was good because it was suddenly very cold outside). Initially, there was a lot of waiting, during which I did a little bit of yoga and dancing as I knew I would not be able to move much for the rest of the day. I was there for a diagnostic procedure involving a needle (for data privacy reasons I won’t get more specific here; it’s unrelated to the procedure I’m having in 2 weeks), which required me to remain horizontal for 4 hours afterwards, at least according to the information they’d given me beforehand. I had to be fasting from midnight the night before: no food or drink, including water.

Eventually I was wheeled down to the ultrasound department, where the doctor who planned to do the procedure met me and the radiologists. However, when they looked at the images, there were a lot of vessels around. The doctor did not feel confident that she could do the procedure based on a mark on my skin without accidentally hitting a blood vessel. So she asked the radiologists to do it as an ultrasound-guided procedure, which would be safer since they would be able to see what they were doing on the ultrasound. This procedure was done with only local anaesthetic. Mostly I couldn’t feel what was going on, and it was supposed to be very quick, but unfortunately, the resident had a lot of trouble--the senior radiologist was trying to guide him through doing, but he couldn’t get the needle positioned quite right, and in the end the senior radiologist had to do it herself. It was pretty uncomfortable and there were some moments where it was quite painful. I tried to breathe deeply and stay relaxed, but it was hard. When they finally got it to work, it was over pretty quickly. I was relieved. It was about 11am by then.

However, I had to spend an hour in a large recovery room with many other patients, while my blood pressure and pulse were monitored. I had expected to have the procedure done upstairs in the room where I’d started, where I had left all my stuff. They very kindly sent someone up to retrieve my phone for me so I could at least text Wife and my parents so they would know the worst of it was over.

After an hour I was wheeled upstairs and transferred from the gurney to a bed (this took 3 people as I was not allowed to stand up yet) for more monitoring. They drew my blood to test my blood counts; I was going to be allowed to leave after only 2 hours of bed rest if the counts were stable. After the 2 hours, I was allowed to get up and use the bathroom (and grab the crossword puzzles from my backpack to work on), and then I continued resting while waiting first for the blood counts, which finally came back fine, and then for the discharge papers, which took an unreasonably long time. Around 2pm the nurse finally allowed me to have some ice--hoorah! (I was parched. I normally drink at least 2 liters of water per day.) At 2:40pm I was cleared to leave; I texted Wife, who went to get the car and picked me up at the entrance to the hospital at about 3pm.

Literally every single person on the hospital staff was kind and friendly. They all introduced themselves to me by name, including the people whose job it was to simply wheel me from one place to another, and they all seemed to be invested in my well-being. When I was being wheeled through the hallway, whenever we passed anyone else who worked there they smiled and said hello both to me and to the person in charge of transporting me. It seemed like everyone working really considered themselves a team, with respect for everyone regardless of place in the hospital hierarchy. Since, like all patients during this pandemic, I was there alone and a bit anxious, it made the experience much less unpleasant than it could have been.

I spent 8 hours in the hospital, so I really hope I didn’t catch COVID-19, but the procedures seemed pretty good. I was wearing a mask almost all the time (except in the room where I was waiting at the beginning and end, which was essentially private), as were all the employees, and everyone was sanitising their hands every time they entered or exited a room or touched any equipment. I also didn’t spend the whole time with any one person. So, hopefully it was safe.

I spent the rest of the afternoon vedging out at home, rehydrating, and finally eating, and I went to bed earlier than usual though later than I expected, around 12:15am.

Day 82. I wanted to try to get a lot of sleep so my body could heal from yesterday’s ordeal, so today I slept till about 10am. The wound from the procedure is tender to the touch and there’s a small bruise near it, but otherwise I’m not in pain from it. Except my ankle is in more pain than it’s been in for ages, and I have no idea why. Maybe I slept on it funny? Or maybe it’s an aftereffect of the weird position I had to hold during the procedure.

I think my joy at getting to eat cereal this morning was perhaps a bit over-the-top!

Wife had a bad headache today, likely caused by neck tension from all the driving yesterday. I am still pretty tired today, despite all the sleep, but I suppose that’s to be expected.

We went to the farmers’ market and stumbled upon a socially-distanced, family-friendly protest. A friend of mine was there with her kids, but I didn’t see her. We bought our produce--though I had to make an extra trip back to the car to drop off my purchases, as I am not supposed to lift anything heavy today. The stand with the curried fish had run out, but they still had some uncooked prepped fish, so we bought that and they explained how to steam it at home. We came home and cooked the fish and ate it for lunch; it was just as good as it would’ve been if they’d cooked it. Phew! Other than that we’ve been relaxing at home, though Wife did gather her energy and go for a run, which has helped to relieve her headache a little (as has the bath she took afterwards, and the painkillers she took).

I’m hoping to feel up to taking a dance class (online) tomorrow.

#personal #dance #birdwatching #Health Care #food #even though there is no picture of food here #black lives matter #epidemiology #activism #tl;dr

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acrcsstheuniversee · 5 years

Text

Good Enough For Me

Pairing: Paul McCartney circa 1962 x John Lennon circa 1978 (McLennon)

Rating: Mature, readers 18+

Chapter Warnings: Mentions of porn and sex work

Words in this chapter: 1800+

Author’s Note:

Here it is! Refer to my summary and introduction post if you haven’t done so for more disclaimers, visuals, tag list info, and more.

*Disclaimer: I do not own The Beatles. This is fiction and written for leisure. Aspects of the story will not be historically accurate and should not be taken extremely seriously.

Chapter 1

Already a month into the semester, Paul found himself struggling to keep up with his studies. He tried his best to focus on typing an essay on the history of guitars that’s due the next day by 10 a.m. but just couldn’t get himself to do it. Not like it was hard or anything; he just hated doing what he’s told, especially if it was something he didn’t care about. He just wanted to do music but having a degree is a necessity now.

He pressed the home button on his cracked phone screen to see that it was already midnight. He was only half way done with the assignment that could’ve taken him only 30 minutes if he wasn’t writing songs in between paragraphs.

It was all too much anyways. American universities have much more homework assignments than back in England. Times like these made him question whether or not going out of the country for school was worth it. There almost seemed like there were more cons than pros in his decision. He lacked resources, he didn’t have any friends or family here except his roommate/best friend George, he was poorer than ever, and must work and attend school part-time. If he stayed in Liverpool and just continued school locally, he probably would’ve earned his degree by now; but now he’s what Americans consider a “super senior” because he’s 21 years old with the amount of classes completed equivalent to a third year student. Despite the struggle, all of it was better than his father dictating his every move.

He shut his laptop, giving up on the assignment and leaned back into his desk chair, rubbing his tired droopy eyes.

He had two classes and work tomorrow. The thought of them made him roll his eyes. Music history from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m., a business class he couldn’t remember the name of from 1 p.m. to 2 p.m., and work right after at a restaurant nearby as a dishwasher, and occasionally performer if the artist they booked cancelled that night.

He yawned as he got up and slide into his bed. Before shutting his eyes, he turned his head and looked directly across the tiny dorm room to his right to see his childhood best friend and roommate, George Harrison sound asleep.

Paul really needs to take a note out of George’s book and sleep earlier. These late nights are just stressing him out more and more.

***

“Paul….. PAUL! Get up!”

Paul jolted up right when a sudden raised voice rang in his ear. His eyes met George’s signature judgemental look. One of his thick brows cocked and his lips curved awkwardly. He was already ready to go to class.

“Ah, what time is it?”

“9:30. I woke you up 30 minutes before hand because I just know you aren’t going to get up to the 9:45 alarm unless you expect to make it to your first class in 15 minutes,” George teased.

George is a pain in the ass and a know-it-all, but Paul loved him dearly. He comes off mean sometimes but Paul knows it’s just because he’s younger and feels the need to prove himself. Paul was used to it after all this time but sometimes, that boy needs to know when his criticisms cross the line. Despite being a dick sometimes, they’re both grateful to be going to the same college together. It was one in a million chances for George to land the same US college as Paul just a year after Paul’s acceptance.

“Okay, whatever. You have a point, I guess.” Paul groaned and rolled out of bed.

“I know I do, ha. I’ll see you later.” George messed up his friend’s darkhair more than it already was, making Paul swat his hand away.

When George left, Paul finally got ready and headed off to class with his incomplete essay.

Everyone was already seated and the professor was setting up today’s powerpoint lecture when he finally arrived. Paul sat down in the back where he’s been since the beginning of the semester. It hasn’t been a problem until a girl started to sit near him everyday since last week. When group or partnered work was assigned, she would often ask him to join her. She was kind, but Paul knew she liked him. She couldn’t make it less obvious. They would make small talk here and there---just about classes and hobbies. She was also very good at piano just as Paul was, but not too good on guitar though she claims to be.

He felt her looking at him, making him turn his head to find out he was right. She just smiled and waved. Paul nodded and gave her a small smile in return, trying not to show too much emotion, afraid she would like that too much. She already had the wrong idea but he didn’t want to be mean about it. Paul was not interested in the slightest and, he was gay. Found that out in high school and hasn’t been too shy about it since then.

When class ended, Paul left immediately to his second class to avoid conversation with anyone. This next one was business related which is something he also could care less about. He was a bit behind in this one too, but this time, he truly didn’t understand the material. He definitely needed a tutor soon.

Not much happened other than him writing mini poems all over his in-class assignment. He didn’t even bother erasing any of it before turning it in at the end of class.

Paul sighed as he made himself to his busboy job right off campus. Before stepping inside, he felt his phone vibrate. It was his dad. Ugh, he thought but answered.

“I’m about to go into work, Dad. What is it?”

“Well, hello to you too. I was just wondering how the first month in the states have been. I haven’t heard from you.”

“It’s fine.”

“Just fine? Have you got a chance to tour places? You should send me photos.”

“No and no. I don’t want you to be sending the pictures to your friends as if you helped me get here. I know you do that.”

Paul heard his father sigh.

“Just text me when you get home and tell George I said hi.”

“Okay, bye.” Paul said before hanging up and walking into his shift.

It seemed harsh but his dad was a selfish prick. He loves to be in control of everything. He was the reason Paul came to the states to study. All he wanted was to ride the wave of success his two sons have been achieving.

In all truthfulness, Paul stopped believing his dad’s bullshit after mom died about 6 years ago. His dad seemed to have lost his way but Paul couldn’t be around all the time if he had a dream to follow. It’s been rough without his mom around but Paul had to do what he was right for him, even if that meant getting away from his dad which is something even she would’ve supported.

He couldn’t stop thinking about how irritating school and his dad were during his shift. The rude coworkers and customers didn’t help his case at all. This wasn’t new though. Paul was used to working constantly in some shape or form. The only problem this time is that he needed more money now that he’s completely independent from his father.

“Hey, busboy!” his boss called out to the dishroom from the back office. Paul rolled his eyes and went to see what he wanted.

“Yes?”

“I have to cut your hours in half. Here is your new schedule. You’re off now, so don’t wash another dish.”

“In half?” Paul took the schedule and saw that his income now would not suffice his monthly tuition payments, let alone some money for necessities. “You’ve got to be shitting me. Why?”

“We can’t afford to pay you. I’m sorry, kid.” he said nonchalantly.

“Will I be able to perform sometimes still?”

“Ehh, sure.” he said as he continued his paperwork, not even looking at Paul.

Paul rolled his eyes again. Could his life get any more annoying? He let out a sigh and clocked out. Now what, he thought making his way home.

When he got home George was playing his computer games with his big headphones to fit on his large ears. The younger man didn’t even notice his friend come in until one side of his headphones was pulled and slapped against his head.

“Hey!” George readjusted himself then paused his game to face Paul with his eyebrows furrowed. “What?”

“My hours got slashed.”

“You’re joking.”

“Nope, hah.”

George frowned.

“Shit, I’m sorry. Are you going to find another job?”

“Well, I’m going to have to because I will not be asking my dad for help.” Paul said as changed into his pajamas and hopped onto his bed.

George sighed. Paul just stared at his friend for a moment, not knowing what to say. This was bad news for both of them. George didn’t have the same financial issues as Paul did. He only had enough for himself. If George could help, he would---and Paul knew he would.

“I’ll think of something, George. Don’t worry.” Paul got under the covers and listened to his friend shut off his computer and lights before hopping into bed as well.

He stared at the ceiling and sighed, then began to think about all the ways he can make money quickly but none of it would be fast enough to pay his next tuition bill. He rubbed his eyes. It was beginning to stress him out the more he thought of it and he just wanted it to all stop for a second.

Ah fuck it, he thought before whipping out his phone and started to scroll through his favorite porn blog on Tumblr. What better way to forget about things than looking at some sexy pictures of guys?

Paul scrolled until he ran into a post that was by a male sex worker selling nude photos and thought hard to himself. It was a young guy about his age selling his photos for $25 a piece and a private snapchat story for $5 per friend request and $15 extra for screenshot privileges.

Paul bit his lip nervously. It’s been a couple years since he did sex work. All he did was some cam work, sold some nude photos, and made customized videos for people on the internet. He remembered enjoying it but there was always the parts he hated that made the job extremely draining like any other job.

He laid there staring at the screen. He must admit, it was tempting to dive in again but he was afraid what George would think.

“George… Maybe I should go back into sex work…” Paul said suddenly.

George didn’t reply. He just snored in in response. That bastard.

Paul sighed and continued to scroll through sex work blogs, inspired by the possibilities until he slowly drifted to sleep.

Tag list:

@nowandthenoldfriend

#acrcsstheuniversee fanfics #acrcsstheuniversee #acrcsstheuniversee mature #acrcsstheuniversee gefm #the beatles #the beatles fanfic #the beatles fanfiction #the beatles smut #the Beatles fluff #paul mccartney #john lennon #ringo starr #george harrison #classic rock

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canaryatlaw · 4 years

Text

okay. it’s late, obviously. and I need to go to bed. I just took my pills like 10 minutes ago though so it might be a minute before I actually get tired. but yeah, today. I think I woke up around 11, and then for like two hours waited for my sister to wake up and trying to not get annoyed because I know I’ve slept that late plenty of times, like even on this trip, but I was just kinda tense. it didn’t help that on twitter I was repeatedly seeing people doing tribute tweets to their friends or making lists of all their friends who did whatever in 2019 and I wasn’t on a single fucking one, even when people that I know they saw less than me made it and I just like.....I got really upset about it because I felt like shit and like I didn’t even have any friends, which of course I know is not true, but it felt really shitty to see people I’ve expended energy trying to befriend just straight up ignore my existence and I just felt really awful about myself. this year has unfortunately gone from meeting a lot of new friends to constantly fearing that none of them actually like me or want me to be their friend, thanks to a couple of things that have happened. and I just feel like this massively messed up person who must’ve fucked up so badly to have all these people turning against me but like, I didn’t even fucking do anything, and if people had actually been honest about stuff this could’ve all been avoided but they weren’t and now I’m the one who’s hurting because of that and it really fucking sucks when you really feel like nobody cares about you. sigh. I feel fraudulent sometimes posting about how happy I am with my life (which I am! really!) while knowing my emotional stability is not where it should be definitely could be causing an issue. and like, looking back to the beginning of this decade all I can think is 10 fucking years and so much happened and yet emotionally I’m back in the same fucking place? how did that happen? I still obviously care way too much about what people think of me when I know I shouldn’t, and placing way too much of my happiness and value into friends who clearly don’t reciprocate any of those feelings and clearly don’t care about my emotions or how any of this actually affects me. and I fucking hate that because I truly have grown so much as a person but I feel like that same fucked up kid who cared way too much about what her friends thought of her and definitely put a lot more energy and care into her friendships than she got back. and I feel so emotionally unstable and I don’t know how to deal with this because like! I’m not depressed! my overall mental health has been fine and there aren’t really any issues there, this just feels like an entirely separate area and I don’t know what to do with it. It really sucks that just when my professional life was finally getting its shit together my personal life had to fall to pieces. and I know on some level that like all this shit really means that I should be in therapy actually working through all of this, and this is so fucking hypocritical, I know, but like....I just don’t have the emotional energy to deal with going through all of that right now. It’s going to be so much work and I really just don’t want to deal with it. and that’s messed up because I’ve told so many fucking people that they should be in therapy and that it will really help them, and now I’m clearly not abiding by that, so that makes me feel shitty too. sigh. I got on way too much of a tangent here and now I’m ranting. I really need to get back on focus and actually talk about my day before I go to sleep because it’s fucking 3:30 am. anyway. eventually my sister woke up and then she had to go get her flu shot for something with her job but like all of the places they were going to didn’t have it so she didn’t even get it done, then her and her boyfriend returned and we went to the mall. it was alright, not great, and eventually she wanted to split up which I kinda knew was going to happen because we wouldn’t want to go to the same stores, but it still was annoying. I mainly wanted to get jeans and I went to Express and tried some on, but all of their jeans were still so fucking expensive (the ones on clearance were like $50, reduced from $80) and there was a super fucking long line and I just didn’t have the patience to stand through that long ass line to pay too much for a pair of jeans, so I left and concluded I’d get jeans at some other point in the future. I went to Dynamite after that because they always have stuff I like and it’s been a while since I’ve gotten anything from them, and I ended up getting a pair of work pants from them that were on sale and very nice, so I’m happy about that. after that I met back up with my sister and we headed out. back to the house, I had dinner with my parents and then watched some GBBO with them until my brother’s friends arrived. He had asked me if I wanted to go out with him and his friends tonight and I knew if I didn’t go I was just going to end up alone with my parents and feeling sorry for myself so I said what the hell and said I would. my brother is at this new assignment at work though where he’s working a 3 pm to 11 pm shift, so he still wasn’t getting off for some time yet, so my parents ended up driving me and his two friends to the bar where we chilled for a bit and talked until he arrived some time after 11. he was bringing with him this girl who he has apparently started dating (yeah, I found out on Sunday that both of my brothers are apparently dating girls, which is just fucking great for my self-esteem knowing that I’m officially the only sibling without a significant other) which I suspect is the real reason he asked if I wanted to come so she wouldn’t be the only girl there. and she was nice, honestly at this point any girlfriend is probably going to be a positive influence on his life, so unless she was really terrible I’m not going to object. I mean, honestly, his ex-girlfriend was like, the best thing that ever happened to him, but he fucked that one up and hopefully this time he’ll be a lot smarter and more mentally stable about it. I really hope he is honestly. I also really miss his ex-girlfriend since we’d gotten quite close in the time they were dating, and of course she ultimately ended up coming to me for help when things went south, so there was a lot of emotional investment there. sigh. anyway. I was having a pretty good time chatting with his friends before he got there, they were both guys he went to highschool with so I had at least in theory known them for like 12-15 years now, but never had more than like, a passing conversation with them really. one of them I’d talked to a bit over the years, I always thought he was cute but never had like a full blown crush on him or anything, but it was kinda nice getting to talk more to both of them tonight. and of course there was alcohol, and I considered maybe trying some since it’s been like 4 years since I’ve tried consuming any but then I got a whiff of the tequila shots they were doing and I swear the smell alone started giving me like minor chest pains, so that was a no. I was kinda dumb though at midnight because they were passing out little cups of champagne as the ball was dropping and I had a single sip of champagne, which again was dumb being that I just concluded I shouldn’t be drinking any alcohol, but I mean it was midnight and everyone in the bar was doing it....sigh. It kinda burned in the back of my throat for a while which was unpleasant but never moved on to the full on chest pain that’s fucking unbearable, so I’ll count that as a semi-success, definitely not a full success because it really did not leave me wanting to consume any more alcohol, but at least I wasn’t in pain over it. we ended up playing darts for a few rounds, which I’m not particularly good at but it doesn’t really matter. a little after 2 we started trying to return to my house where everyone was spending the night, but that turned into a whole debacle because this is the fucking suburbs and it’s 2 am on new years, so getting an uber was a bit difficult. my one brother’s friend had apparently worked as a lyft driver in the past so he was a bit biased towards that app and then the first driver somehow got messed up and picked up another person but it still charged his phone and he was like, so affronted by this and just not letting it go at all and it was honestly pretty funny, it was obvious the alcohol in his system was contributing to it on some level but it was still amusing. since there were 5 of us they were originally trying to get an XL which proved even more difficult, and we ended up taking two separate normal sized ubers to get home, which still took fucking forever and we didn’t end up getting home till like, almost 3 am, which was annoying. but oh well. once we got home I showered and then had to do all my pills for the week because of course I had to run out tonight, then opened my laptop and started typing this, and now I’m here like 40 minutes later because it’s just a few minutes before 4 am now because I clearly was in the mood to write a fucking novel for some reason. sigh. last 2019 post, even though it’s now 2020 the day was in 2019 so it gets the last December 2019 hashtag. alright, I really need to go to sleep now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Goodnight dears. Hope you had a very happy new year.

#daily journal #December 2019

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fieldfullofbangtan · 5 years

Text

Idols Dream: Chapter Eleven

☁️ au: idol!au

☁️ chapter word count: 2.3k

☁️ chapter summary: Kris’ MV drops, it’s your big break and omg a giant teddy.

The music video shoot was honestly the most fun and exhausting thing I’ve ever done. Kris and I goofed around on set like two idiots but in the end after 2 weeks of constant shooting we were absolutely dead.

“That’s a wrap guys! Good job everybody and thanks for all the hard word. If everything goes as planned the video will be up the day after deadline!” The director yelled out as everybody started to get ready to leave, giving eachother praise for all the work.

Me and Kris stayed on the set and we both breathed out like a weight had been lifted off our shoulder. When we started filming the MV everything was going as planned and the date of it dropping was released. Not only was the release day made public but they also posted a few teasers on Kris’ social media platforms. Since it was his first release in a while the news spread like wildfire and now everybody is anticipating it.

Unfortunatly thanks to some clumsy folks on set the shoot took longer than expected and we were all on edge because of the possibility of it not being finished on time. We worked 18 hours straight a few days just to make up for the lost time. So when we heard the director tell us we would most likely make it before deadline, it felt like a choir of angels appeared before me.

“We did it!” Kris finally said after processing the good news, he held his hand up waiting for a high five.

“I’ve never been so stressed about a deadline before” I breath out and dramatically use one hand to lift the other to give him a high five.

“Oh trust me, there will be plently of deadlines just like this one in your future”

He probably said it to warn me or prepare be but all I feel is exitement. I’ve never been so happy while ‘working’ before. Even if the hours were long and tiring I always looked forward to being on set or in the studio. I never really believed the ‘Choose a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life”, but damn it’s true.

“So what now?” I ask Kris after we’d changed into the clothes we came in and started to leave the building.

“Deadline is in...” Kris checks his phone, “like 48 hours. I say we sleep until then.”

I re-count the time since it sounds so short. I look at my phone as well. Wednesday 22:25. The video is suppose to be edited and reviewed, then posted on Friday at midnight.

“49 hours and 35 minutes actually.” I smirk at Kris and he rolls his eyes but can’t help smiling.

“Smart-ass”

Kris gives me a ride home and it almost feels weird to say goodbye since we’ve been wokring together for more than two weeks at this point.

“We can take tomorrow off and just recuperate, but how about we meet back at the studio on Friday? We could watch the release together” Kris is tired as hell but still manages to show some exitement.

The video will be previewed before it releases but only by the CEO’s and editors. I’m not allowed to see it. I’m not exactly sure why but I’m guessing it’s to minimize the risk of it being leaked.

“Sounds good”

He gives me a thumbs up and I start to enter the building. I hear him drive away much slower than usual, probably because he’s as exhausted as I am. Walking into my apartment a new wave of exhaustion hits me and I zombie-walk to my bedroom, collapse on the bed and fall asleep.

The time flies by, probably because I spent most of it in bed sleeping or on my couch watching netflix and eating. Jackson couldn’t come over since he was still trying to handle the situation with his ex, poor dude has been stressing over that for weeks now. During my free day I finally had the time to call my family and Jess, I told them all about the release, the shoots, my sister interrogated me about Kris and it was just wonderful to finally talk to them again.

Friday crept up on me, I again slept through most of the day but at 16:00 I went to the studio to meet Louis and Kris. Exiting the elevator I’m met with the familiar sight of the cute receptionist.

“Good afternoon Ms (Y/L/N)” He smiled. “Are you exited for tonight?”

I hadn’t processed it yet since I’ve been way too tired to even think these past two days.

“God I don’t even know... I don’t think I really get it yet” I chuckle and continue to the studio.

I’ve been here so much there’s no longer a need to knock before entering. Louis and Kris jump out of their seats to greet me and look kinda like two happy children seeing santa on christmas.

“Guys what’s going on?” I laugh, Kris is rushing me to the couch while Louis hands me a full bottle of champange.

Louis looks at me like I just disrespected him and his entire ancestry. “What do you mean? It’s you first release ever! Aren’t you exited?”

I shrug, it’s like my mind isn’t getting it. As if the past weeks of work we’re so exhausting my brain has just shut off all emotion.

“Huh, not the reaction I was expecting. I could barely sit still when I first debuted with EXO...” Kris looks at me confused as he sits down beside me on the couch.

“Don’t worry” Louis sits down on as well. “It’ll hit her” He nods and smiles at me.

We just sit back and chill. When dinnertime came Kris and Louis start arguing about what to eat and I had to play referee and pick. They truly behaved like two kids and I can’t lie, it’s entertaining.

Midnight crept up on us. Kris’ phone started to buzz, alerting him that we were 5 minutes away from the MV dropping and I could feel my heart start to beat faster. Jess started to spamm me with texts about her refreshing the Youtube page and the situation finally started to sink in. This is actually happening. A little over a month ago I was nobody, and now I’m in an MV with Kris Wu. The worlds going to see this. This is my big break.

“Ready?” Kris turned on a projector that displayed Kris Wu VEVO onto a projector screen. As he pressed refresh for the forth or fifth time the video showed up.

Just seeing my face on the thumbnail sent a shiver down my spine. What shocked me more was the title. “ft. questionmark? But I’m not in the song?”.

“It’s just to signal that you’re someone important, and not some random model for a music video.”

I nod, I guess that makes sense. Usually people don’t really focus on anyone else than the artist.

“Not that anybody is gonna think your some random person after our run in with the paparazzis that one time” Kris chuckled, “But anyways, you ready?”

“I guess...” I pretty much whisper as I grab onto Louis’ arm as a way to make myself feel more stable.

Kris clicked and the video started to play. For the first 30 seconds Kris was the only person on screen. Louis and Kris started talking about something related to the MV but I couldn’t stop focusing on the video. Any second now... I’ll be on screen any second no-

There I was, sitting on a couch in the purple-neon lit room. The emotions I was clearly lacking a few hours ago came all at once and I felt so overwhelmed I just burst out in tears.

“Damn y’all look so good” Louis hypes us up only to realize I’m beside him sobbing like a baby.

“Hey... hey what’s wrong?”

Louis’ audible concern makes Kris turn toward me and notice my state as well. He paused the video.

“Do you not like it?”

I was too embarrassed to lift my head and too overwhelmed to say anything. I just shook my head.

“What’s wrong then?” Kris continued.

I took some slow deep breaths, trying to calm my sobbing down as they patiently waited for me to collect myself. After one last breath I finally said “I’m just... so happy”.

The boys both visibly calmed down. I dried my tears with my sleeves but they just kept pouring down.

“I’m sorry I don’t know how to stop it” I manage to laugh through my sobs.

“Now that’s the reaction I remember having” Louis pats my back. “This is totally normal, you just gotta let it out. After a while you’ll be dyhydrated”

Louis says it jokingly but a part of my thinks that’s my only option. After getting my O-K to keep watching the video Kris turned it on again. It was surreal and so rewarding to see something we worked so hard on become this complete thing.

Jess called me as soon as the video was over.

“Oh my fucking god dude” I heard as soon as I picked the phone up.

I couldn’t help laughing because I could see her shocked face in my head.

“What do you think?”

“That was...”

There was a moment of silence and due to the boys curious looks I turned on speaker.

“FUCKIN’ AWESOME” Jess yelled and we all shared some amused and proud looks. “But why does it say feat. questionmark?”

“We’re trying to keep (Y/N)’s identity a mystery for a little longer” Kris said, “Get people talking”

“Well it’s working, are ya’ll seeing the comments?”

Kris pulled up the comment section beneath the video.

The video had only been up for a few minutes but the comments we’re flooding in. To my disbelief the majority of the question we’re about me. People were speculating whether the “?” was my artist name or if it was a man hunt. They very quickly figuered out that ‘the girl in the MV is the same one from Kris’ paparazzi incident’.

“This’ll be fun” Louis smirked as we kept on reading very frustrated commenters, all trying to figure out my identity. “We won’t make them wait for too long tho. Just a few days”

“What?”

“Oh right we haven’t told you yet!” Louis and Kris share suspiciously smug looks. “You’re releasing your first singel this week.”

“What?!”

“You are relea-”

“No no I heard you I’m just-... What?”

Kris chuckled at my confusion, “We talked about it and we think you should release your first singel by the end of this week, then when the hype is at its biggest you drop another one, and then the full album.”

“Wait you guys are serious? But we’re not even close to finishing!”

“We’ve already worked that out. We’ll do it in stages, so we finish the first singel this weekend, and we’ll just drop the rest when its done! I promise it won’t take too long.”

That’s true. I picked 14 samples and we already have 12 base songs, I’ve written lyrics to 10 of them and all we have to do is finish the last bits and perfect everything. If it goes smoothly we’ll be finished within a few weeks.

“Ok I’m in.” I say after enough thought.

Louis claps his hands together, satisfied with my answer and starts to shoo me out of the studio. “Well then you better go home and sleep cause if we plan on being done we have a long day tomorrow!”

I follow their orders and go home. I’m in deperate need of sleep after my emotional explosion from before. Usually Kris and I leave the studio at the same time so he gives me a ride home. Tonight however Kris needed to stay with Louis to sort out some promotional stuff so I had to walk home. Not complaining though, the July weather in Shanghai is best at night, so a 20 minute walk is actually really calming.

Arriving back at my apartment I was again met with my apartment door being unlocked. I’ve been forgetting to lock it a lot these past few days, unsafe I know, but a lot has been going on and my brain just can’t seem to catch up.

I pray to whoever is listening that I haven’t been robbed and open the door. It’s dark and everything looks normal, I slap my wall a few times and manage to turn on the lights.

“What the-”

As I enter my bedroom, the biggest teddybear I’ve ever witnessed in real life is just sitting there, on my bed. Walking closer I find a bottle of champange in it’s lap with a little note hanging off it.

‘Hey,

Sorry I couldn’t be there for your big break. Hope the bear makes up for it.

Jackson’

Can’t lie I was pretty salty about him not being here tonight, but the giant bear did make it suck a little less. He went to Hong Kong earlier today to visit family, lucky bastard. Since Jackson, Kris and Louis are the only people I hang out with we’ve managed to get pretty close, I just wanted to share this moment with them.

I let it go and accept the bear as an apology. There will hopefully be more moments like this so why dwell. To my disappointment the bear took up way too much of my bed and I had to move it so that I could sleep. Sorry Teddy, maybe next time.

I reach for my noisy phone on my nightstand but fail miserably as I roll off the bed. Thank god for me moving that bear because it caught me and spared me from a pretty hard fall. I let my eyes adjust to the annoyingly bright daylight shining though my windows and finally look at my phone to see what the ruckus was about.

“Ooooh shit.”

My instagram notifications we’re blowing up, I was getting maybe 10 follow requests a second. My username isn’t even my name, and my profil picture is a meme, how in the actual hell did they find me?

Louis called a second later.

“(Y/N)? We have a problem.”

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coyote-apologist · 5 years

Text

Okay, so, in this post, I said I would tell the full story of how we almost got robbed last night (really fuckin early this morning). So, here it goes. (I apologize in advance for grammar, spelling and shit; I’m on mobile. Also: I will not be giving anyone’s reall names; they will be made up on the spot.)

I was up until about 11:30 last night reading fanfics, and I was completely planning on staying up until well past midnight because that’s normal for me. But, for some weird reason, I feel asleep reading, which I never do. Super fuckin weird for me; I always stay up to at least finish the chapter. This only sort of matters though.

(Ok, so a bit of backstory before I continue. I’m a minor, so obviously I live with my parents, and my younger brother {he’s 13}. We live in a very rural area; our closest town is a 20 min drive, and our closest neighbors are a half mile away. We live on 5 acres of land, most of which is fenced off with electric wire because of horses. We have two dogs: a German shepherd, Chloe, and a basset hound, Eugene. Both dogs are younger and are still in their destructive stage, so, we lock them up at night. Eugene has a kennel he’s goes in, Chloe stays in the washer and dryer/utilities room. The utilities room also happens to be where the back door is.)

At about 12:50am, there was a bang on the back door, loud enough that it literally rattled the entire fuckin house. Chole starts barking and growling with no fuckin end. Loud. My room is at the opposite end of the house, and I heard the growls. Terrified the shit out of me. I have never heard her be that aggressive.

My mom got up at the bang though, and soon after the barking started she saw a man run to her truck in the front yard and start to get in. (We don’t lock truck doors, and the keys are almost always in them while we’re home. Bad on our part, but this legit never happens around here and everyone is lulled into a false sense of security.) And this guy is big. I mean big. 6’2” 250-260 lbs at least. She grabs the first gun she saw, which happened to be a rifle of sorts. (The one time I’m actually glad we have guns everywhere.) She points it at him.

“What the fuck are you doing in my truck?!”

(Keep in mind: my moms truck is a 2006 Ford F-250. It’s got some insane suspension keeping it jacked up. The tires go up past my knee. You don’t get in, you fuckin climb in that truck.)

At this point I’m somewhere between sleep and the insane amount of adrinaline that is pumping into my system.

“Ryan! Get the fuck up!”

She was yelling to my dad. He gets up and grabs another gun. Another rifle, I think. While he’s doing that my mom yells at the guys again: “Who the fuck are you?! What the fuck are you doing here?! Get the fuck out of my fucking truck! What the fuck do you want?!” Etc., etc. Lots of fucks in there.

The dogs are going fuckin crazy. I still can hear Chole growling over the shouting. Eugene starts baying in his kennel. (Baying is like a weird combo between a bark and a howl that hound dogs do.)

This guy is covered in dirt. Like head to fuckin toe in clay and mud. He’s got a black long sleeve, gray pants, and old tennis shoes on. He’s bald.

“What the fuck are you doing in my yard?!”

My dad. Two guns are at the guy now.

“Get out of that fucking truck!”

The guy yells that he’s throwing the keys over, and proceeds to throw a tube of chapstick and a magnet from the cup holder at my dad. My dad knows it not the keys, because as he threw them, the truck cranks up.

“That truck moves a fucking inch, I will shoot you!”

He puts the truck in neutral, and revs the engine. We think he thought it was in reverse, and he was trying to leave. He gets out of the truck with his hands above his head, and he’s shaking them wildly. Like, waving his arms around as he’s doing jazz hands. He starts talking about something or another, but they couldn’t understand because his words were so slurred. The one thing they pick out is a “Don’t shoot, I’ve had a bad enough night already.”

Then he just. Fuckin. Turns and starts running away down the drive. My dad fires a shot up in the air as a warning, about the same time he turns away. He’s running down the driveway, and all of a sudden he just stops dead in his tracks, lays down, rolls a few feet, then gets up and starts running again.

So I’m in my room, completely fuckin frozen. My blinds are closed so I can’t see out at anything that’s happening, but I hear it all. My cat is just staring at me like, wtf dude. I grabbed my phone off of charge when I first sat up. Not sure why. I just grabbed it and had a fuckin death grip on it. And I just sat there in bed. It felt like seconds, but apparently it was upwards of 3-4 mins. My brain comprehended that there was danger. But like...

My brain: Danger!

My brain: No time to think!

My brain: So don’t think!

Yeah.

Anyways, the guy turns right down the road, and after attempting to break into the neighbors’ house, stealing a tow truck (our neighbor owns a junk yard), crashing it in a ditch, running another mile (through very thick woods), at some point completely undressing himself, he was found at about 4 o’clock by the K-9 unit, naked, covered in mud and scratches in some bushes. He was screaming something about having three balls, but the other was in his pocket and he needed to go get it.

Found out that he was on meth. He’s been in and out of jail his entire life, and just got out this October from an 18 year sentence.

The sentence was for manslaughter in the first degree. (Don’t even get me started on that fuckin sentence time.)

He’s being changed with multiple things, including but not limited to: attempted burglary, attempted grand thieft auto, grand thieft auto, attempted assault, and a couple others to do with the meth.

Anyways, that’s how my fuckin night went. It was terrifying, kinda funny to retell, but then it got dark real fuckin fast. -7/10 terrible way to end the year. Would not recommend.

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evilwickedme · 6 years

Text

I was tagged by @littlemissbennet, thank you so much!

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

okay then.

last

1. drink - probably coke, maybe water, least likely some juice. it was last night I don’t remember.

2. phone call - my brother, to inform him that my mother and I were in the car outside.

3. text message - actual text, or any messaging app? cause I never actually text unless I’m talking to my boss or psychiatrist. messaging app, I said “cool” in the @skamwlwnet chat group last night.

4. song you listened to - "Hexe” by Disparition

5. time you cried - idk probably a few days ago while watching a tv show, maybe a week?

ever

6. dated someone twice? - like, dated them, had a break up, then dated them again? no.

7. kissed someone and regretted it - I’ve only had one kiss, but yes.

8. been cheated on - not that I know of

9. lost someone special - yeah.

10. been depressed - lol yeah

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - I’ve tried really hard to get drunk but it has yet to happen

fave colours

12. light blue

13. dark blue (they’re different colors in Hebrew so it counts)

14. purple

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - yep!

16. fallen out of love - nah

17. laughed until you cried - yeah

18. found out someone was talking about you - sorta?

19. met someone who changed you - sure af

20. found out who your friends are - yep

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - lol one kiss in my life believe me when I say no

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - most of them, in the technically sense of more than half

23. do you have any pets - I have a cat named Buffy who is far too smart for my stuff to survive, and my parents have two almost-no-longer-kittens named Layla and Lucy.

24. do you want to change your name - I might legally change my name to Gail at some point, but I’ve been called Gail by almost everyone since the ninth grade, so I’m good.

25. what did you do for your last birthday - had a party at home. my next birthday’s on Wednesday, by the way.

26. what time did you wake up today - just after ten, maybe ten fifteen?

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - sleeping, thank God. I’ve been so tired lately, and I went gallivanting around Tel Aviv yesterday.

28. what is something you cant wait for - presents, on Wednesday

30. what are you listening to right now - nothing

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - yes! there was a guy in my middle school class called that, but I think he spelled it Thom, for no good reason. it was still pronounced like “Tom”.

32. something that’s getting on your nerves - how much going to university is going to cost.

33. most visited website - this one.

34. hair colour - currently, my natural brown, but I wore my orange wig yesterday.

35. long or short hair - I currently have shorter hair, but I have two wigs to make up for it.

36. do you have a crush on someone - not right now

37. what do you like about yourself - I’ve been feeling uncharacteristically good about myself lately, so my body is nice, I’ve always liked the shape of my lips and eyes, I value kindness above all else, I’m a pretty good poet and writer when I can get myself to sit down and do it

38. want any piercings? - my ears are pierced, that’s enough

39. blood type - A+/-, I think, I don’t remember.

40. nicknames - Gail, but only technically

41. relationship status - single for the foreseeable future

42. zodiac - aquarius

43. pronouns - she/they

44. fave tv shows - lol I could sit here for hours but Buffy is at the top of the list

45. tattoos - can’t, for religious reasons

46. right or left handed - left

47. ever had surgery - nope

48. piercings - didn’t you already ask this?

49. sport - HAH (I actually like swimming but I never do it)

50. vacation - my perfect vacation, I’d visit every major art museum in the world, look at several dinosaur bones, go to cool bookstores, and finish it off with a Taylor Swift concert

51. trainers - are those sneakers? yes, I own sneakers, they’re basically the only closed shoe I wear regularly

more general

52. eating - I don’t understand this. do I eat? yes!

53. drinking - I do in fact drink.

54. i’m about to watch - currently nothing, I have to go upstairs for lunch after this, but either bones, you’re the worst, or runaways, because those are the shows I’m currently watching.

55. waiting for - my birthday

56. want - presents!

57. get married - unlikely

58. career - I’ve wanted to be an author since I was 7 but I’m considering majoring in script-writing

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - hugs

60. lips or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - idk I hate when people call me short but I like being with either as long as they’re cuddly

62. older or younger - they need to be within a two year range of me if younger, a three year range of me if older, but I don’t have a preference technically (historically, I’ve dated almost exclusively older)

63. nice arms or stomach - both are nice

64. hookup or relationship - demisexual here, so definitely relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - um. I, personally, am both, being more of a hesitant person. what do I look for in a romantic or platonic relationship? hesitant.

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - no

67. drank hard liquor - yes, but only a little bit

68. lost glasses - no

69. turned someone down - yeah, but I ended up dating them anyway

70. sex on first date - very much still a virgin

71. broken someones heart - I think?

72. had your heart broken - oh yeah

73. been arrested - lol I’m a goodie two shoes so NO

74. cried when someone died - irl? no. I don’t know personally anybody who died, at least no one I’d spoken to in the year before they did. I’ve been to three funerals, but I was only there because I felt obligated to.

75. fallen for a friend - lol demisexual

do you believe in

76. yourself - idk

77. miracles - yeah

78. love at first sight - attraction? sure. romantic attraction? sure. love? no. I think you can know that you will fall for someone. but you can’t actually fall for someone.

79. santa clause - Jewish

80. kiss on a first date - lol

81. angels - yeah

other

82. best friend’s name - maya

83. eye colour - a nice, warm, light brown

84. fave movie - I’m not a movie person but probably Wonder Woman right now

85. fave actor - don’t really have one

tagging everyone from the last post:

all of @skamwlwnet @purronronner @theorangedeath @thefortysecond @thelordofthecats @ayom-kemo-ari which comes up to more or less 20 people

#tag game #about me

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theteamoth · 7 years

Text

Massive Ask Meme

I was tagged by @grey-skies-full-moon Rules: Tag 20 people (I don’t know that much people, but I’ll do my best)

Well, here goes something, mates.

Your last:

1. Drink: Coffee with spices, just a couple hours ago.

2. Phone Call: from my friend Liyba.

3. Text message: also from my other friend, Jenya.

4. Song you listened to: Mother Of Flame by Miracle Of Sound ft. Sharm. Randomly appeared on my playlist, but I like Gavin Dunne and the vocals are just... Epic and breathtaking.

5. Time you cried: I... think it happened in June. For personal reasons.

Have You:

6. Dated someone twice: Nope.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Kinda. Maybe. I don’t know anymore.

8. Been cheated on: Technically? Yeah, it happened once.

9. Lost someone special: Yes.

10. Been depressed: I still am! xD But seriously – yeah. I’m slowly getting better, though.

11: Gotten drunk and thrown up: Actually, no, never. Hangover... That’s a whole other (and messy) story.

List 3 Favorite Colors:

12. Electric blue.

13. Black

14: Grey and grayish colours.

In the last year, have you…

15. Made new friends: I’ve met new people, so yeah, I hope I can consider them my friends.

16. Fallen out of love: Heh... Yes. Should’ve happened f*cking lot sooner.

17. Laughed until you cried: Once or twice. Also I tend to hiccup and snort. xD

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Nope.

19. Met someone who changed you: ...probably. Don’t know yet.

20. Found out who your friends are: People I can rely on and trust with my life. Even if we literally (and figuratively) drifted apart.

21. Kissed someone on your FB list: Excluding family members – yes, And it made things and a friendship very complicated for a while.

GENERAL:

22. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: A small number, maybe 8 or 10 people.

23. Do you have any pets: I had a cat before, but now... I WISH I COULD AFFORD A PET DAMMIT. T_T

24. Do you want to change your name: My last name, yes. I became dissatisfied with it over time.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: I spent it alongside my friends – they organized a great party!

26. What time did you wake up: I often wake up at random times and turning off alarm while asleep is the new norm. Today it was at 6:47.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Watching YouTube and talking to a friend via VK.)

28. Name something you can’t wait for: When I can live my own life.

29. When was the last time you saw your Mom: Right now.) She sits on my right.

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I could regularly see and touch all my friends and loved ones.

31. What are you listening to right now: Game of Thrones soundtrack. Specifically, “Mhysa”

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: My close friend is called Tom. Or Toma.)

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Family rows, all that shouting and screaming and blaming. Also, myself – sometimes. But mostly I am chill and calm... maybe too calm. At least I think so. I want to get better. I’m getting there. Slowly, but I do.

34. Most visited website: YouTube, VK, Tumblr and my frpg forum.

35. Mole/s: I’ve got one on the back my neck and on my forehead. Also one on my back.

36. Mark/s: Several scars – on my neck and face (had an operation), a gunpowder burn right under my knee, several long thin scars on my chest from a knife... Those are the most prominent and fresh. Other scars faded with time, but are still visible if you take a closer look.

37. Childhood dream: A lot of them. Can’t remember all anymore, but I dreamed to be a superhero.

38. Hair color: Light-brown, maybe... blonde?? Don’t know. xD

39. Long or short hair: Short at the moment. Had shoulder-length hair for a long while, but grew tired of ‘em. Besides, this summer was fricking HOT – nearly 40 C.

40. Do you have a crush on someone? ... yes. Wish I didn’t.

41. What do you like about yourself: Uh... I don’t know, actually. But I’m loyal to those I consider friends and family, maybe to a fault. I like to think I’m creative and smart, even

42. Piercings: Nope.) I thought about it but it ain’t my style.

43. Blood type: B +.

44: Nicknames: Novac, Dobric, “that feathered smartass”... xDD

45. Relationship status: single.

46. Zodiac: Leo/Year of the Rooster.

47. Pronouns: He/Him.

48. Favorite TV show(s): Can’t say I have ONE. But I have a lot of favorites – Marvel series (Daredevil, Jessica Jones, etc.), Fullmetal Alchemist, My Hero Academia, Game of Thrones, Brooklyn 99... Those I do enjoy for multitude of reasons.)

49. Tattoos: Nope. Not yet, anyways. Considering it – permanent mods should have personal weight and meaning; at least, for me they should reflect something.

50. Right or left hand: Right-handed.

51. Surgery: The most serious operation happened in 2014. I had (and still have, but it’s non-malignant) a tumor; bone tissues were slowly growing through my head. Right under my hypophysis, right behind my left eye and near my carotid artery. It wracked me with migraines and flashes of intense pain, occasionally I blacked out from pain and lack of blood supply (it was kinda strangling my carotid artery). So, doctors cut almost everything out by going directly through my face and carotid artery. So, like that. But hey, I’m alive!

52. Hair dyed a different color: It’s a nice idea, but I can’t decide on a colour.

53. Sports: Swimming and yoga!

54. Vacation: If I could go with all my friends at Crimea, it would be awesome. Unfortunately they all live abroad and getting to Crimea is problematic as f*ck. Also, money is the issue.

55. Shoes: Good sneakers are pretty great, occasionally sandals... But I love my grinders to death – solid, comfortable, practical shoes. Also good in a fight.

56. Eating: YES

57. Drinking: Yep.)

58. I’m about to: post this ask meme and tag people.)

59. Waiting for: Something good to happen.

60. Want: to understand what I want from myself and life. And to get over my inconvenient crush.

61. Get married: definitely not now and not in the next few years. If it happens, it happens. But not soon.

62. Career: video game writer, writer, lawyer, psychologist... Maybe. I am at loss right now. Now I just started working as a copyrighter.

WHICH IS BETTER:

63. Hugs or kisses: Can I choose both? Both is good! But kisses from someone I love and cherish are the best. And yeah, I also want a hug followed with a smooch.

64. Lips or eyes: Both!

65. Shorter or taller: Honestly... Being almost 6,5 feet – or 1,97 in metric – makes me higher than most. Can’t say I have a preference, but inevitably my SO’s were significantly shorter than me. Maybe I do have a thing for shorter people.

66. Older or younger: That depends.

67. Nice arms or nice stomach: I... don’t know? Can’t say it matters to me that much.

68. Sensitive or loud: … Again, a bit of both.

69. Hook up or relationship: Relationship. Demisexual here!

70. Troublemaker or hesitant: I’m hesitant for the most part, and easily get stuck in routines, but I can be a troublemaker too. Both are good in their own ways and time. But I love a little chaos and fun, that’s for sure – it is necessary not to stagnate.

HAVE YOU EVER:

71. Kissed a stranger: Such thing happened.

72. Drank hard liquor: Define HARD. xD The hardest liquor I ever drank was undiluted absinthe, 80%. Delicious!~

73. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I wear glasses since 4, but had never lost them.

74. Turned someone down: Yes.

75. Sex on first date: No. It’s too fast, too much for me.

76. Broken someone’s heart: I think so. Yes. Out of necessity.

77. Had your heart broken: Multiple times.

78. Been arrested: Almost. I can be fast when it’s necessary.)

79. Cried when someone died: I sobbed and screamed.

80. Fallen for a friend: Yes. And THAT is what makes our friendship complicated. She doesn’t need it, I understand it and agree with her – she doesn’t know about my crush. My emotions... Well, they ain’t making things easier. Stupid heart.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

81. Yourself: Not exactly. I try to.

82. Miracles: Weird shit happens so yeah! xD I try to keep an open mind and consider myself agnostic.

83. Love at first sight: Hard to say. I don’t think so – there may be strong attraction (which most people confuse with lust), deep understanding and some solid intuitive feelings, but not love. Love is something you understand and gain through work, through understanding, knowing your SO on a much deeper level, both physical and spiritual.

84. Santa Claus: HOW CAN YOU ASK THAT QUESTION THERE ARE CHILDREN ON THIS SITE

85. Kiss on the first date: Maybe. It depends.

OTHER:

86. Current best friend: Which one?) I’ve known mine for ages and I will kill for them, if needed. They saved my life and mind and I am grateful beyond simple words.

87. Eye color: Blue-grey, but some people say I have a hint of green.

88. Favorite movie: “The Intouchables”. SERIOUSLY GUYS HAVE YOU SEEN IT?! MY HEART. MY HEART.

tagging: @saisai-chan, @breeeliss, @ferisae, @jaeger-of-freiheit, @missdreawrites, @midnightfuckingmayor, @charmer-of-wind, @thehollowkidvg

#me #ask meme #heh it really was fun!#also #my 666 post! xD

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alittlenomadchristina · 5 years

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Climbing Mount Sinai Peak – Everything You Need To Know Before

Climbing Mount Sinai Peak (2285-metre / 7,497 ft.) is one of those experiences that are on many people's bucket list - for a reason! The biblical Mount Sinai is one of the most important sacred places in the Jewish, Christian and Islamic religions because it is the place where a covenant between God and His people was established.

All these religions have in common that they believe the biblical Mount Sinai was the place where Moses received the Ten Commandments, which is why Mount Sinai is also referred to as Mount Moses. The locals call it Jebel Musa in Arabic. I'm using these words interchangeably throughout this article, they all describe the same mountain.

Besides the Old Testament, it is also mentioned in the Quran, where “God prefaces a statement on the creation of Mankind by swearing to four sacred symbols: "by the Fig and the Olive, and the Mount of Sinai (at-Tur), and this City of security (Mecca)"(Sura 95:1-3)

Don't confuse Mount Sinai with Mount Catherine though, which is the highest mountain in Egypt. On the peak of Mount Sinai, there is a Greek Orthodox Chapel (closed) and an open mosque, so if you're a practicing Muslim, this will be one of your most memorable prayer locations for sure.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="2400"] The peak of Mount Sinai during sunrise[/caption]

Even when you're not religious, it's an incredible experience and you will feel the special energy in this place. It's definitely worth it doing this challenging hike.

I will not go into detail about the history and meaning of Mount Moses, as you can read that anywhere online, but will give you some practical advice instead.

For more information about Saint Catherine, read my Ultimate Guide to St. Catherine!

I posted Instagram stories live on my account the whole time I was in St. Catherine and climbing Mount Sinai. If you want to have a look, you can find it under my highlights “Sinai Desert”.

Disclaimer: This post may contain affiliate links at no extra cost to you.

1. Best Season For Climbing Mount Sinai

Sinai is a hot desert climate zone, with very little rain and warm to hot temperatures throughout the year. Higher regions like St. Catherine (1600 meters) receive 4-10x more precipitation than the rest of Sinai.

So what's the best time to do the Mount Sinai hike?

For me personally, spring is the best times to go to St. Catherine and hike Mount Moses. It's not too hot and not too cold. Spring is a fascinating time in the desert, as all the trees, plants and flowers in the desert start to blossom and turn it into a green scenery you would never expect to see in a desert. Summer and winter have their charm as well, though.

Mount Sinai in Winter

Winter can be really cold in St. Catherine, often below 0 ºC. How crazy is that, going to a desert and seeing snow? Definitely a once-in-a-lifetime experience and an incredible photo opportunity! On Mount Sinai, you will face extreme cold and snow is the norm, so come prepared and bring lots of warm clothes! During the day though, the sun usually keeps you warm, even in winter.

Mount Sinai in Summer

Thanks to the high altitude, it doesn't get much warmer than 30°C in summer, which makes Saint Catherine a perfect escape from the hot beach towns such as Dahab and Sharm El-Sheikh, or even Cairo. Trees and fruits had time to grow and you get to taste some fresh delicacies. It's also hot enough to dip your toes or even swim in water springs.

You will need a jacket or warm sweater at night when you hike up Mount Moses though as it's so high, it's simply not possible to bet hot up there. cIt an also get pretty windy.

2. Book a tour or go by yourself? Sunrise or Sunset?

Organized tours (mostly from Dahab and Sharm El-Sheik) climb Mount Sinai in the pre-dawn hours to view the sunrise from the summit. It gets really crowded up there!

Climbing late in the afternoon to see the sunset is a much quieter, more tranquil experience, but it has two downsides. In summer, it can be pretty hot for such an intense hike in the sun, and you'll be descending in the dark, which can be a bit tricky because it's rocky terrain.

If you have enough time in Sinai, I would always recommend going without an organized tour from Sharm or Dahab. Going by yourself/with just your friends or family means you have all the time you need. You can start your hike at any time, you can take as many breaks as you like, and you can leave the peak whenever you like.

If you're not coming as part of a group, you can simply go to the monastery and hire a guide from the entrance. Especially for photographers, slow hikers or anyone with "special needs", this is the best option.

It's also a much more tranquil experience on the summit because you'll get the chance to have the place all by yourself. The huge crowds on the top make it a bit busy and touristy, to be honest. They all leave at the same time to visit the monastery when it opens at 9am, so if you stay a bit longer, it will be quiet. You can also go up earlier to reach the peak first and watch the stars.

If you want to see the sunrise, you should start sometime between midnight and 3 am, depending on your level of fitness. Those of average fitness should be able to get to the summit in no more than three hours. Alternatively, the sunset is also an impressive sight; for this you should start your climb in the early afternoon.

My ultimate tip is to hike up in the afternoon and see the sunset. Then you can make yourself comfortable for the night to sleep under millions of stars. In the last camp before the summit, you can rent mattresses and blankets so you won't be freezing. It gets really cold so you will definitely need them.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="2400"] The last camp before the peak of Mount Sinai, this is where you can rent mattresses and blankets. We slept at the very left in this picture.[/caption]

If you don't mind carrying a sleeping bag up, that would certainly be more hygienic. But when you're traveling in Egypt you shouldn't be too concerned with everything being super clean anyway, or else you'll have a hard time here. Relax, you won't die.

I would say your chances of being the only people on the peak of Mount Sinai the whole night are like 95%. A bit before the sun rises, you will see massive amounts of people arriving, it's almost surreal. Don't sleep too long, set an alarm so that you get a good spot to see the sunrise.

3. Avoiding The Crowds At Mount Sinai Peak

As you already know, most tourists climb the mountain during the night, see the sunrise at the summit and visit the monastery during the day. Therefore, if you want to avoid crowds, climb the mountain for sunset or, even better, in the night before a Sunday when the monastery is closed to visitors. There will be much fewer groups because they wouldn't be able to visit the monastery in the morning.

4. How Hard Is The Mount Sinai Hike?

There are two principal routes to the summit. The longer and shallower route is called Siket El Bashait and takes about 2.5 hours by foot. It's also called the camel route, since, obviously, you can use a camel to get up. If you're physically not able to do the entire Mount Sinai hike yourself, you can choose this option.

It's not an easy hike for sure, and you probably won't feel the need to do it again anytime soon, but it's doable. There are a lot of "cafés" on the way up so you have plenty of chances to take a break and have water, tea, coffee or some snacks.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="1800"] Steep stairs - this is not part of the camel route, it's the harder one. The steps look small on this photo but they're quite high, at least for someone as short as me ;)[/caption]

I have seen many old people with walking disabilities though who have done the hike themselves - very impressive! They show it's possible, and the feeling of climbing a mountain by yourself is just different than being taken up there by a camel, the sunrise or sunset is your reward and you really earned it.

So, if you're physically able to hike, I highly recommend to do it. Go without a big group and just go slow, take as much time as you need. The Bedouin guides are super patient and will help you with whatever you carry.

The steeper, more direct route (Siket Sayidna Musa) leads up the 3750 "steps of penitence" in the ravine behind the monastery. Both routes meet for the last part to the summit.

We took the camel route up and the harder route down because we wanted to see another wadi (valley). We really felt close to dying, it was a 12-hour tour in total. My legs were wobbly and shaking and I never wanted to find a bed as badly as that day.

Weirdly though, my muscles weren't sore the next day. That really surprised me, because I'm not exercising a lot. I was extremely tired though for a few days, skipping a whole night of sleep is easier when you're 20 ;)

I'd recommend you to plan in a few days of easy-going activities and do all the other hikes you might want to do around St. Catherine before you're climbing Mount Sinai.

5. Tipping your Bedouin Guide

One thing I really want to ask everyone doing this adventure, from the bottom of my heart: Tip your Bedouin guide very generously!!! They only get a fixed price of 250 LE (May 2019: about 12€) for a whole night of extreme physical work and responsibility for you. The government sets the price, and since most people book a full tour from Dahab or Sharm, they don’t even know how much the guides earn.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="2400"] Our Bedouin guide leading the way[/caption]

It’s an absolutely ridiculous amount of money for this type of work and for the cost of living in Egypt, which is rising and rising after the devaluation of the currency. So, please, support the local community and tip them as much as you can.

They're also incredibly kind people and as soon as they see you struggling just a tiny bit, they offer to carry your backpack or give you their jacket if you're cold. They'll do whatever they can to make the hike as easy as possible for you.

6. Safety at Mount Sinai

Is climbing Mount Sinai safe? Aren't there terrorists?

YES, it's safe! NO, there are no terrorists!

Most people think that St. Catherine, Mount Sinai, and Sinai in general, are dangerous places. That's because the mainstream media doesn’t distinguish between North and South Sinai. All tourist destinations, including Mount Sinai, are located in the south of Sinai and are not more dangerous than most other parts of the world. In the very northern part of Sinai, there are unrests from time to time, but you wouldn’t even be allowed to enter that area.

Good to know: Don’t be scared or put off by the many checkpoints all over Sinai. The government is trying to make Sinai as safe as can be, and while military and guns seem intimidating at first, you have nothing to worry about. Just keep your passport handy at all times.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="2400"] It's friendly everywhere in Sinai - SMILE :)[/caption]

Also, the Bedouins in Saint Catherine are securing the area by themselves, so don’t be surprised if locals stop you to ask a few questions about where you’re staying and so on. They’re adding an extra layer of security and vetting people themselves to make sure they don’t miss any suspicious activity. It's their land, after all, and they are the last people who would want trouble here.

As soon as you arrive, you will feel the special energy in St. Catherine and the Sinai desert in general. It is absolutely magical. You immediately start to feel a sense of calmness and peace.

The media portrays Sinai as a dangerous place, but I can assure you that there are few places in the world where you feel as peaceful as here, certainly no other region in the Middle East can compare. All the different religions actually live together in peace here, even though Egypt is predominantly a Muslim country.

I’m pretty sure you will feel right at home and perfectly safe and sound, at least the big majority of people do. I came as a tourist and am still here 3 years later, just like many other expats, and I feel safer here than in any city in Germany or Europe, where I come from. Please, don’t let the media scare you from coming to and climbing Mount Sinai.

7. What To Pack For Climbing Mount Sinai

As little as possible!

Cash for tea, coffee, snacks and mattresses + blankets

Second set of clothes

Thermo clothes

Light scarf/hat for hike down

8. Trekking Rules In The Sinai Desert

1. Look after water

Do not pollute water sources with soap, food scraps or anything else. Do not camp within a 100 m of water sources. Wildlife needs to drink too and will be disturbed by your presence. Do not go to the toilet within 100 m of water sources.

2. Manage your waste

Crush tin cans and plastic bottles and any other waste. You brought it in so carry it out with you. If there is no toilet, BURN YOUR USED TOILET PAPER and then bury your bodily waste. You may burn paper items and you may feed vegetable waste to the camels with the owners’ permission.

3. Respect Bedouin culture and traditions

Ask permission before using wells, as these are usually private property. Only enter private gardens if invited to do so by the owner. Ask permission before taking photographs of local people. Do not burn local firewood, use only gas stoves or firewood bought in town for cooking.

4. Respect Flora and Fauna

It is prohibited to remove any object from the Protected Area including rocks, plants, and animals. It is prohibited to disturb or harm animal or birds. It is prohibited to paint or carve graffiti, cut trees or uproot plants.

St. Katherine Protectorate was declared by the Prime Ministerial Decree under Law 102 of 1983; illegal activities can result in prosecution.

Basically: Leave no traces behind, and take nothing with you.

If you have some more time in Sinai, make sure you read my guide to St. Catherine as there are plenty more amazing things to do other than climbing Mt. Sinai and visiting St. Catherine's monastery. Did you know that you can even sleep in the monastery? Find more insider tips in this Ultimate Guide to St. Catherine!

Climbing Mount Sinai Peak - PIN this guide for later!

Pictures of the Mount Sinai Hike

Here are some more pictures of my Mount Sinai hike:

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="1800"] Yes, there's a toilet right before you reach the summit of Mt Sinai[/caption]

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="2400"] One of the gardens the monastery owns in the mountains around[/caption]

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="2400"] Finally, the monastery was in sight again![/caption]

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="1080"] The details of our hike. Note that we did a big detour on the way down to see some more wadis, the regular route is shorter.

Please don't use any of these photos without my written permission, I'm a member of Copytrack and you will get an invoice. The payment will be enforced by lawyers and in court, if you do use my photos.[/caption]

Post Source Here: Climbing Mount Sinai Peak – Everything You Need To Know Before

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zzpopzz · 7 years

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Really long rant about how I made Vanilla Twilight, I typed it at 2am so it’s kinda crappy and boring, just skip through this post.

So I'd been thinking about it for a long time now, even before finishing Vanilla Twilight that I'd talk about it if someone asked, well that never happened so I was just thinking that I'd let it go but that post is so important to me so well fuck it I'll just talk about it anyway. I did it completely on a wimp like how cool would it be if I make a lyricstuck for Toumaki like I'd be the first (if anyone did this before me im sorry). The first song I intended to do wasn't VT, it was a much shorter and easier song. I saw the music video first time after a while and the lyrics gave me some scenes to draw right away, like the tones, the atmosphere, the lyrics all fit them very well, made me wanted to draw something happy but sad. The ending for it was a happy one instead of a sad one like other songs I did (I didn't post the ending for any of them, just let the viewers decide what it's gonna be) I was very scared like what if it won't turn out ok and people gonna hate me for it or no one even gonna look at it. Also what I visualized are mostly illustrations with backgrounds, what I never done before so high chance it won't go anywhere. I thought well let's just see how far will I get and won't talk about it at all until I post it so at least I won't be all barks no bite. I was very traumatized that someone might know about what I did so I locked all the files when I shut down my PC in case someone hack into it lmao. I started with making a storyboard(kinda) for it, this is where I first got trouble because there was some part I didn't think of when I visualized what I'd draw at first ( 'I don't feel so alone' part mostly and some in between) and it's only at this point that I realized how many I'd have to draw (over 40 images total) and it's mind blowing for someone who rarely finish a painting like me at that time, that number is more than what I'd draw in a year. VT doesn't have choruses that meant I can't do tricks like repeat some panels (I don't like this anyway). I usually painted on small canvas before that but I wanna make sure I can fix things later and some idea I had was pretty big so I used 3000x5000px canvas then trimmed them down ( I didn't know how big it was and it's huge). The idea was to make a tumblr scroll-post like a lyricstuck (my favorites are by paperseverywhere and toastyhat/emptyfeet , they made really cool tutorials about these) so I tried to drew out compositions that would look good scrolling down panel by panel and have some connections between them (this didn't turn out so good in the end because I wasn't good lol) Since I was scared that people might point out that I draw something wrong, it took me almost a week or something searching for references (check my pinterest board) like the streets, sky, houses, roads, outfits, poses,... I was going to draw. I got some knowledge about bikes by this too, like I can tell the differences between road bike, mtb, touring bikes,... I also see and captured bunches of screenshots and reread ywpd trivia countless time to make sure I won't get anything wrong. If you take notice, every outfit Toumaki wear in there are all canon, from anime or promos. The first few panels was really exciting because I had never painted so many with backgrounds before, I was really happy when I almost finished the first verse even compared to the full 3:50 of the song it was only 20 seconds and I thought maybe I can pull this after all. The last panel was intended to be Makichan standing infront of his house looking at the sky but I wanted to show the sky at the end of the panel and that wouldn't work on scroll-down post so I had to leave it for later, I repainted this panel for about 3 times and finished it just 30' before posting. The first panel of the second verse wasn't turning out alright too because that was my first time doing a 3 points perspective drawing and the colors didn't turn out as I wanted either (my intention was a green/gold dawn scene). Things kinda worked well despite that until the scene when Toudou sits in his ink, gdi I didn't know why I was so caught up in that and painted every piece of that wooden floor, it took me almost a week but turned out better than I expected so I was ok with it. I was going to make sketchy paintings for all of the panel but I did too much details on that one so it gave me the impression that I'll have to do just as much for every others. Now I still had school to go and that semester my uni got me pretty crappy schedule that made me have to wait for classes at school frequently, I was frustrated because I didn't get to paint during that time and I might finish it too late (even though I didn't set a deadline) and when I got home I just spent so much time checking twitter and just can't pick myself up to draw and ended up feeling shitty about it. *Side story* I was so mad because I didn't get anything done and there's still more than half of the whole thing to do and the worst part is that I had no one that I can talk to because I didn't have any friend who ship Toumaki and I also don't want to publicly talk about what I was doing, I wanted to surprise people when I'm done, I didn't wanna give people the expectation then screw it up (I literally thought I'd drop a bomb not a grenade lmao) I can't remember how long was that shitty phase but I felt like it was so long, I barely finished verse 2 at that point. I was so mad at myself and my progress so I spent a few days to look at time management threads and this helped a lot, I changed my habits completely by this and I still apply those methods now, like I used to stay up til 3am to read fics (bless you writers you fueled me with your writings bless you all) then I switch to bed before 12 and get up early for a good start or reduce working time while increasing quality* After that I kinda got things together,I just went ahead with painting tho it's still kinda tiring, I had to work on 5 essays during this time too. At this point I was like screw all, I give no shit about what everyone thinks I'm just gonna finish this and get some good nap (I practiced power nap to get more focus time for painting but dude everyone wants a good long nap) 10 days before uploading I found out that there's a Toumaki day (I'm so sorry), I was going to posted on the first sunday of June (I did researched on which was the best time to post on social medias so I randomly picked a sunday) and Toumaki day is the last sunday of May, that meant I had 10 days left and 15 panels to paint! I was going to ignore that but I already made it big I should make it right too so I shit my pants going through those last panels. I purposely hiding Toudou's face till the last verse to emphasize the feelz and got so relieved that I finally got to paint him (I read some tags that some viewers got emotional at this part so I'm so glad it worked). The whole things was put under Makichan's perspective so I was so sick of painting him at that point, he showed up in every panel and I can't paint him ugly because he's beautiful (especially his hair, I spent shitload of time painting them). I can talk lots about why I picked to do so but that's headcanon shit and it's embarrassing so let's just skip that. The last day I had only 3 panels left and I was hell confident that I've got this and somehow spent the whole evening rewatch Toumaki pingpong ep (end me). Of course that didn't end well, I managed to finish those by midnight but I still had like 3 panels that needed repaint completely and all 43 needed retouch and edits. My plan was to post at 9am sunday (thats 9pm saturday est) so I had to get up at 5am and finish all that, I ended up cutting down 2 panels and simplified the instrumental panel (some tags said that was nice so I was at least relieved). Unlike other songs I did, the length of every line's quite different and the original sizes I did would make viewers have to scroll slower or faster at different parts. I didn't plan this beforehand and had to trim down some panels even the parts that I really liked and spent lots of time on. I also found out that people outside the homestuck fandom might not familiar with this type of post so I made a video too (I’m sorry I have zero skill in editing). After posting I was terrified of people's reactions or worse, there won't be any reaction so I turned everything off and went to sleep and woke up with an unimaginable number of notes I'd got, I set the target of 500 notes and I really didn't think that I'd get past that number like maybe 2-300 (well my other songs didnt even get 200), at the end I got 5000. I spent the next week reading and screencap tags given in reblogs, I put them on desktop and they're still my motivation til now. Vanilla Twilight is the thing I'm proud of the most even until now, when I've done other songs and projects that look somewhat better. If I have to recommend one thing on my blog I'd recommend it despite its' unskilled paneling, poor composition and muddy colors. It was the first time in my life that I'd put so much effort into something and went through such emotional roller coaster, the feelings I put into it was raw and the idea was very original compared to other songs, I improved and changed a lot during the 2 months I spent on it and never once regret doing it. ***Anyway, you sure have much free time to read it this far, here's a little game for you: I put random things in VT and HF like some characters/stuff from other series, my ocs,... (there wasn't anything purposeless in there even the logo on their cups or the bags they wear) just send me anything you find and I'll draw you something in return**

#toumaki #tweetdump #rant #poopask

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iminyourhandskara · 7 years

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Blue Kryptonite - Karamel One Shot

"So, Rhonda broke her arm and Kevin has the flu, and they asked me to replace them for three days, thai means working from 10 to 12, lunch, then 1 to either midnight or 2 am.. but I don't know if I should, like there's a lot of dangerous aliens outside, and I want to help you!" "Mon-El, I'm not by myself, Alex, J'onn and even James can help me, you should go, I mean if it's not too exhausting for you." "Hey! I'm a superhero! I can handle some extra turns, blondie." "Oh right, mr. Valor." He held Kara in his arms, swinging a little. "I like when you say it." "Yeah?" "Yeah." She kissed him quickly, "Anyway I'm gonna go now, my bartender duties are calling." He kissed her cheek and ran out the door. Kara sighed, she's gonna miss her partner a lot. But of course she was Supergirl, she wouldn't stop at home sighing and boring herself to death; Kara decided to write a few articles about the fire that Supergirl stopped the day before, and the newborn child that Valor saved in that burning apartment. She wrote a good amount until the DEO called her in: she explained to J'onn why Mon-El couldn't come so he told Pam to note that for his paycheck. "Hey, sissy!" "Hey, Kara! Is everything okay?" "Yeah, sure, why did you ask?" "First, you never call me 'Sissy', second, you're crinkling right now." "I'm no-" she touched her forehead "-damn it!" "Spill whatever is going on in your mind." "It's..probably silly..but I'm afraid I'll miss Mon-El too much these days..it's the first time we're separating since he's moved in with me, and I'm used to having him around all day..don't laugh, please!" Kara pouted and Alex smiled back at her. "I won't laugh, Maggie completely changed my idea of 'too silly or too cheesy'. Just prepare something for when he comes home, or just keep yourself busy and you won't even realize that three days have passed." "Mmh, okay..I'll find something. Thanks, Alex." "Anytime." "Did you find the restaurant for the reception?" "Kara, I think it's too soon for this conversation, we got engaged just a few months ago!" "Hey! I'm your MAID OF HONOR! I need everything to be perfect." Kara crossed her arms on her chest. "Yeah, yeah, you're way more invested than I am." The two girls started laughing, until Winn called them, there was an emergency near the mall. _________ As soon as Kara walked home, she dropped herself on the couch, tired like never before: she checked her phone, finding a text from his boyfriend: 'I miss you already..xx" She smiled at the screen, 'I miss you too, you have no idea.' Kara started cooking Mon-El's favourite meal, waiting for him to come home, and maybe watch something together and cuddle. Another beep rang in the room, about 30 minutes later, Mon-El wrote 'Babe I don't think I can make it for dinner, I'm so so sorry..' 'It's okay, we'll see each other after dinner then. :)' She was upset, but she was the one who told him to work extra turns: since Mon-El worked at the alien bar, she saw a new side of him, more responsible and mature, she found that really attractive, but most of all, Kara was proud of who he'd become. She ate both his dish and hers, yet she was somehow hungry: she picked a rom-com to watch on Netflix in the meantime. The movie was called Serendipity, and it was about two people who were meant to be together, because it was written in their destinies: when the two lovers found each other after years, she started crying, "It's not that emotional!" but she kept sobbing until she fell asleep on the couch. Mon-El walked home around 2 am, he found his lover hugging a pillow, deep into her slumber; smiling, he picked her up bridal-style and laid her down under the blankets, before kissing her forehead goodnight. Mon-El changed into his pyjama and fell asleep hugging his little spoon. _____________ 'good morning beautiful, I'm so sorry I came home at 2 am last night, I made you hashbrowns, if they're too cold, just do your trick :) i love you - mon-el' Kara found the post-it on the table, next to her plate: she heated up the hashbrowns and sighed, sipping her coffee. She was at CatCo for the whole morning, trying to focus on her articles only. She decided to stop by the alien bar for lunch. "Hi!" "Kara, hey! I didn't expect to see you." Mon-El leaned over to kiss her, "how are you?" he was cleaning a few glasses. "I was missing you a little too much, I guess. Did you have lunch already? I brought sandwiches." "I was just about to, thank you." She grinned widely at her man. "What?" "Nothing, you're just really cute." Kara bit her sandwich, "Can't I admire my boyfriend? " "Of course you can. I saw you fell asleep with the tv on, what did you watch?" "Oh, I watched a beautiful movie, it's called Serendipity and you really need to watch it! It's about a boy and a girl meeting in a shop, leaving their numbers on a book and a-- basically she thinks that if they're meant to be together, they'll meet again and-- oh no." She was already tearing up at the thought of that ending when her earcom started beeping. "Alex, what's wrong? Oh okay, I'm on my way." "They need Supergirl, don't they?" "Yuuuup..I'll see you later." She pecked his lips, before running outside the bar and unbottoning her shirt. An alien was attacking a school bus with his laser eyes and all the kids were struggling, hiding under their seats, Supergirl shielded the bus, standing in front of the hostile alien and punched and kicked him with all her anger, that dude interrupted her quality time with Mon-El after all, until he was exhausted. The children behind her started cheering on the superhero, and Kara felt an overwhelming wave of pride and happiness taking over her heart. That night, she decided to light up some candles, curl her hair and wear her sexiest babydoll: she felt prettier, but she was sure that Mon-El was the one who would've appreciated this more. She had an insane need of strawberries in that moment: Kara got so mad when she found out that there weren't any, that she left a dent on the fridge. "Alex, can you bring me strawberries, pleeeeeeeaase?" "It's 11 pm, Kara, there's no one open right now!" "That's why I asked you! I know you have them! Please!" "Kara, are- are you crying?" "No, I'm- Haha! Okay, I think I am after all. Please bring me strawberries!" Alex sighed, a little confused, on the other side of the phone, "Okay, I'm coming." "Alex!" Kara immediately jumped, hugging her sister a little too much; her shirt got wet in a matter of seconds. "What's wrong?" "Where are my strawberries?" "Here. Why are you crying?" "Mon-El said he's working until 2 tonight. It's Saturday.." Her tears fell on her cheeks again, she grabbed the box of strawberries and sat on the couch. "Well, from the way you look, I would say that you were preparing a surprise for him..but it's not a big deal! Stop crying, c'mon." Alex sat next to her little sister. "I can't.. I can't." "Kara.. I think there's something wrong with you. Were you near some kind of..modified kryptonite?" "No, no, I don't think so." "How many times did you cry these days?" "I watched a movie last night and I cried until I fell asleep, then this morning I went to the bar to see Mon-El, and I was getting emotional again while explaining him the plot..When I saved those kids I-" "Okay, this is too much even for you; tomorrow I'm gonna do some tests on you." "Okay.. What if I touched something that made me too sensitive? What if I'm not bulletproof anymore? What if- oh no, here we go again." Alex got up to get some wine in the fridge, until she noticed the dents. "Kara, what's this?" "Oh..I accidentally did that..when I found out there were-" "No strawberries?" "No strawberries." _____________ "Kara, I'm about to check the results, are you on your way? Okay, see you later." "Okay, what did you find out? Is it a blue kryptonite? Am I okay? How do I cure this?" "Kara uhm, I- I don't know how to say it--" "Am I dying?" Kara yelled anxiously, already crying again. "Kara you're not dying, you're PREGNANT!" "I'M WHAT?" Her voice was high pitched, she immediately covered her mouth with her hands, completely shocked. "Oh Rao, oh Rao, oh Rao, what do I do? What do I do? What is Mon-El gonna do? I have a baby inside of me? In my stomach? I think I'm gonna pass out." Kara blurted everything out without taking a breath, she sat down, next to her sister, who didn't know what to say. "I think you should--" The blonde's phone started ringing. "It's Mon-El." She inhaled a deep breath and replied his call. "Hey." "I have a good news, I'm coming home earlier, around 9! I can't wait to see you!" "That's great! I- I have something to tell you tonight as well..see you tonight." "Love you." "Love you more." "So, you're telling him tonight?" "I guess.." "Before anything else..how do you feel?" "I don't know.. My head is just a big mess right now: I don't know if I'm ready. A baby is.. A baby. It's a big deal." "Yeah.. Are you more afraid of having a baby or.. His reaction? Have you ever discussed this possibility?" "Yeah, never too seriously but yeah, we said that we both wanted to have children one day, but we never expected that day to arrive so soon.." "Well, this is positive, isn't it? Mon-El didn't exclude a baby from his future. Before worrying too much, talk to him, and we'll see the rest after that." Alex kissed her cheek, finally making Kara smile. "You're right..but please Alex, don't tell anyone, not even Maggie. Pinky promise?" "Pinky promise." _________ "Finally home." Mon-El walked through the door, ready to hold his girlfriend after what felt like an eternity. "Hi babe," she hugged him tightly, "let's eat! How was your day? Is Kevin back?" "Yeah finally, these days have been really tiring, I missed kicking alien butts with you." "Me too.." Kara chuckled, "luckily there weren't many aliens to take down, so you didn't miss out on much." After dinner, they cuddled on the couch talking about everything and nothing, she almost forgot what she had to tell him. Kara stood up, holding a pillow in her arms; "Mon-El, listen..these past few days, I've felt a little weird..like remember when I almost cried explaining the movie's plot to you?" "Yeah, that was weird but, I didn't judge you because I know how passionate you are over movies." "And I love you for that. But like I was saying, I didn't feel right.." Mon-El's forehead wrinkled with worry. "Is everything okay, Kara?" "Alex did some tests, and she found out that I'm..pregnant." "You're what?" His mouth opened in shock just like hers did a few hours before. "I'm pregnant." Kara covered her eyes. "Are you upset? Please say something, I can't handle this anymore." "Upset? Are you kidding me? Why would I be upset if you've just given me the best news ever?" Mon-El stood up and picked Kara up, "Rao, I'm so happy right now!" "Really? I was so nervous because I thought you didn't want this! Now-now I can't stop smiling." Mon-El gave her multiple kisses all over her face, "I love you so much, Kara." "I love you too, Mon-El." "I can't believe that this is happening.." He looked down on her stomach, smiling, his eyes were full of tears already. "Why did you think that I didn't want this?" He stared into her eyes with so much love and awe. "Because the only time we've discussed this, we said that we wanted it to happen in the future..but not a near future." "I said it because we didn't have like..to rush, but I would've loved it whenever it would've arrived, as long as it was with you. From the beginning I knew that I wanted you and only you in my future, I couldn't wish for a better mom for my child." "We're really having a baby.." "We're having a baby." Their faces were a mix of shock, happiness, disbelief, love. They couldn't stop smiling and kissing. When it was time to sleep, Kara kept staring at the ceiling. "What's wrong?" "Nothing, I'm just thinking about this little bean." She smiled. "Yeah?" "Yeah and.. I couldn't help but think if I'll be a good mother. We're not normal people, we are superheroes, we have enemies, we have a world to protect." "We can't spend a lifetime worrying about what could happen. What did you tell me three days ago?" "What did I tell you?" "You're not by yourself. You have Alex, J'onn, and even James: and that was only about the superheroing part. You also have Winn, Lena, Maggie, your earth mother Eliza..You'll be a great mom. You've had good parenting figure for your whole life; I should be the one who doubts his capabilities of being a good dad.. You've met them, unfortunately. I grew up with maids and teachers, they were busy destroying Daxam's society and I didn't have a normal childhood." Kara cupped his face, "Hey, you're not your parents. You are a different person, a much better person. You'll be a great dad. We'll be okay." "Thank you, Kara." "No, thank you. For everything, thank you for being always here for me, for the past two years." "My pleasure." He kissed her forehead and caressed her head. "Goodnight." "Goodnight..and goodnight." Mon-El's hand stroked his girlfriend's stomach, feeling like all his dreams were coming true: he couldn't ask for a better miracle to happen to him. _______ I know it's really boring and there's a few mistakes but i had to write something 😅😂😂 let me know what you think in my inbox or in the reblogs, thank you. ❤❤❤

#karamel #kara danvers #kara zor-el #mon-el #karamel one shot #karamel one shots #karamel fanfiction #karamel fanfic #karamel ff #karamel fanfictions #karamel fanfics #iminyourhandskara #supergirl #melissa benoist #chris wood

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katblu42 · 3 years

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I have tossed up whether or not to post this, but I've decided to just go ahead and see how it lands. It is very personal to me, and I'm posting it because today is 2 years since I had to say goodbye.

This is basically a rambling vent that came out after the most traumatic period of my life so far. I needed to write it all down, chronicle it and get it out of my head, and the original destination for it was (my other) fandom.

It is more detailed than the story I posted earlier in the week, but it requires all the same warnings for some pretty unpleasant stuff. Please take heed before continuing.

Warnings for Death Illness Hospital Cancer (Medical) Drugs Medical Procedures CPR

Deep breath Late in 2018 my husband, S, began complaining of a sore throat. He's the kind of male who won't go to the doctor unless he is literally dying. He finally went to his GP in January and was told there was an issue that needed more investigating. He was supposed to go back to the GP in 2 weeks, but we were on holidays then, so he ended up not going back until mid March. GP sent him to a specialist, but the earliest appointment was early April. Consultation, camera down the throat and $400 later the specialist says Cancer - two of them, one in the mouth, one in the throat. Next appointment is the biopsy. By now S has lost almost 20kg because he struggles to eat (and because apparently Cancer can do that to a person anyway). Now there are appointments at the local hospital with the Radiation Therapy Dr, the specialist in Chemotherapy and a dental team (who wanted to take all his back teeth out at first, but changed their minds when they saw where the mouth cancer was, and how hard it was for S to open his mouth wide). During all this I'm still juggling work commitments as we are building up to one of our busiest periods, which covers pretty much the entire month of May. I'm sharing appointment chauffeuring duties with his Dad. It is decided that due to S's weight loss and difficulty eating it is advisable to put a feeding tube (that they call a peg) in his stomach. This is basically a precaution in case he can no longer swallow anything at some point during early treatment. Surgery after Chemotherapy begins will be difficult to recover from. As it turns out the peg is never actually used for feeding S. The first cycle of Chemotherapy begins on Wednesday 8th May. The plan was to do at least 2, probably 3 cycles of Chemo and then begin combination Radiotherapy/Chemo. At first things seem to be going okay. Three medications are administered as part of the Chemo - 2 are done on the Wednesday at the Cancer Clinic, and the third he has to carry around with him for 5 days, returning on Sunday to have the rig removed once that one is done. The peg starts leaking during these 5 days. He is given advice over the phone not to worry about the leak - but I wonder about that advice. I can't be with S all day - work is busy, and he's a grown up who can ask for help if he needs it. Only he's the kind of male who will not make a fuss if he's feeling "not okay". By Tuesday (14th May) S is not feeling much like "eating" - which consists of swallowing soft stuff like milkshakes, jelly (jello), custard and the like - and I basically have to force him to go for a walk around the block with me, just to keep him from lying on the couch all day. (Tuesday is my regular day off). He seems okay, in the "so-so" sense rather than the "fine" sense. He's not particularly nauseous, just a bit Blah. Wednesday - while I'm at work - S stays home all day, which is unusual for him. He is a social butterfly who can't resist going across the road to the Bowling Club just to sit with his mates for a bit. The peg is still leaking, and he feels tired and a bit yuck. By now I have asked him a few times if I should be calling the hospital for advice and he says no - doesn't want to make a fuss. I don't stress too much because he has an appointment at the hospital on Thursday - it's with a Social Worker, but I know that he will be at the hospital, where they will ask him how he's feeling, and if they think he needs something they will take care of him. Thursday comes and he doesn't want to get out of bed. I go to work, telling him to make sure he gets to his appointment, even if he doesn't feel like going. His Dad calls me at lunch time and tells me S didn't go to the appointment. He got in the car, they got down the road, then S told his Dad to just take him home. His Dad tells me S doesn't look good, he thinks S should be in hospital and I wonder why he didn't take S straight there if he was that worried. I get home just after 5pm and S is in bed feeling miserable. I don't get much of a good look at him - the room is dark - but he talks

to me. He's not feeling nauseous, not throwing up, but also not eating or moving much. Over the next few hours he's up and down to the toilet at least once an hour. I ask if he has diarrhoea, because if he does I should take him to hospital. He says no, "not much is coming out". It's after 10pm, Thursday 16th May, when he calls out to me from the bathroom. Something about the way he calls out makes me get straight up to see what's wrong - normally I yell back "what's wrong?" or "just a minute", but this time I think I had an instinct that said something was wrong. I find him sitting on the toilet, slumped forward with his head between his knees. He can talk to me at this point, but I have to help him sit up - he really can't move - and his skin is quite yellow (which alarms me). By the time I have him sitting upright he's not talking to me any more, his eyes are only half open and not blinking and he can't squeeze my hand. I run and get my phone and call an ambulance. Now his breathing is laboured, and as the emergency call taker is asking me to "say now every time he takes a breath" his gasps are getting further apart. I have to get him clumsily onto the floor of our tiny, narrow bathroom and give him chest compressions. 2 ambulances are on their way. Minutes later I have 4 ambulance crew members working on my husband in our tiny bathroom, and I have no idea what is going on. By midnight S is in emergency at the local hospital, and I'm in a private waiting room, alone. I call my Mum - I've already called his Dad on my way to the hospital in my car (they didn't take me in the ambulance). It's about 12:30 when a doctor comes to talk to me. Infection. Kidneys and liver struggling. Blood pressure through the floor. No white blood cells. This is by no means good. By the time I get to see him in Emergency I have my Mum and his Dad with me. S is basically in an induced coma and about to be moved up to ICU. It's about 1:30am. Once he's moved to ICU we wait in another waiting room for more news. A surgical consultant comes and sees us - I think it's nearly 3am - she says surgery is not an option. The infection is in his digestive system. There is no clear area to surgically remove, and his system is so weak it would not take well to surgery anyway. S's Dad leaves soon after that. This is hard for him. It was only 3 years ago that he was here in this very ward with his wife. This is where she passed away after an infection she just could not fight. He tells me "don't let them put him down" - I guess because he had to make that decision for his wife/S's Mum. I think it's after 6:30am when I decide to go to the intercom and buzz the nurses station to find out what's going on. They let us in to see him. All they can tell us is that they are throwing every kind of medical support they can at him in the hope they can help him fight off the infection - blood products, meds to raise the blood pressure, antibiotics. He's been ventilated through a tube in his mouth since the ambulance. They have to run a heating vent to raise his body temperature. They let me into the room, but I see no point in holding his hand or anything - he is unconscious, he won't know I'm there. We go home. I had about 3 hours sleep. By the time I could crawl into bed it was about 8am. By 11am people are starting to text me asking what's going on, checking if I'm okay. I had managed to text my boss about needing to call an ambulance while I was in the emergency waiting room. He's now replied to say I don't need to be at work today, but in the back of my mind is the fact that I have a show to work on, starting on Sunday - we are so busy that there will be no one else who can replace me on this show. (And we had a Federal Election on Saturday as well, so I was going to have to fit voting in around visiting S). At some point on this day a doctor calls me to get permission to administer a drug to S. This drug is not approved for use in Australia, but it is approved in the US. As a result they will have to ship it in from interstate, because there is not much

stock in the country, and I have to sign my permission for them to use it. It is a reversal drug for the 5 day chemo medication. It works best if administered soon after the chemo treatment - we are already past the ideal timeframe, but it is our best shot at helping S. S is unconscious and fighting for the next couple of days, and I'm half dreading that call that says things have taken a turn for the worse, come now! Instead, I see him for a short period each day, but he doesn't know I'm there. And I keep doing the work I have to do - at least this show is close to home for me, and close to the hospital. He is being supported by the blood pressure medication (Noradrenaline) which they are slowly able to reduce in dose, his temperature is stabilising, and the chemo reversal drug has had some positive effect. His white cell count is coming up - probably with the help of the blood products he's been given. By Tuesday 21st May S is awake and aware, and they have been able to remove the ventilator tube. The Physio is concerned about how weak he is - movement in his arms and legs is limited. He is breathing on his own, but it's hard work because his muscles are weak. His lips and mouth have been bleeding a bit around where the tube was. Still, we are seeing slow, small improvements and hoping for the best. On Friday they have to re-insert the breathing tube - he is too weak to maintain his breathing without assistance. This is a set-back, and comes with a warning that the breathing tube can't stay in his mouth/throat for too long, because it can cause all kinds of complications, especially in his compromised state. They tell me that without marked improvement soon they may have to perform a tracheotomy and insert the ventilator there. By this stage they have moved from nasogastric feeding to Parenteral nutrition (intravenously). The peg is still leaking. I'm now getting into a rhythm visiting S when I can for as long as I can around my work hours, and answering enquiries about his health and well wishes from family and friends on both my phone and his. I no longer have rehearsals every night, and the weekend's performances go pretty well. I know he's still critical, but he's stable and despite the set back S seems to be on a path of slight improvement again. The next set-back comes in the form of a flare up of the infection. The gut is still very inflamed - particularly the bowel. More blood products, more antibiotics, Noradrenaline dosage increased again. There is a mention that he probably has a slow internal bleed somewhere. Clotting is a problem - the bleeding in his lips and mouth is evidence of this too. Before I go to my Friday show I have to sign the permission for them to perform the tracheotomy - they've decided it needs to be done, and an emergency surgical team will do it but it could be a day or two before the operation actually goes ahead. Through this entire week S has been awake and aware, communicating with me as best he can around the breathing tube and the bleeding lips, which are scabby and sore. He is still very much alive mentally, still able to laugh at our corny jokes and request the music be turned up! Being in ICU he's not allowed flowers of gifts or anything, but they did allow me to take in a little blue tooth speaker so he could have the radio on all day. I see him as early as visiting hours allow on Saturday 1st June - his 42nd birthday. I have 2 shows on this day, and won't be able to see him again until Sunday. I leave the hospital soon after his Dad and brother arrive for a visit, around 11:30. Around 12:30, while I'm running sound checks for the matinee show, I get a phone call asking me for permission to do the tracheotomy. At first this confuses me - they have permission already. Apparently they are now doing it in ICU, not in the emergency theatre or wherever. He was more drowsy on the Sunday, after the tracheotomy, but still essentially in the same condition - stable. I cried off sick for work on Monday and spent a bit more time with him - I knew I had to be at work on

Tuesday for a morning staff meeting. The hospital social worker called me before I went to visit S, wanting to arrange a "family meeting" for this week some time. At first we settled on Friday morning, but later they asked me if we could arrange a time earlier in the week. After re-arranging my work schedule we agreed on 3pm Tuesday, even though S's Dad would not be able to be there anymore. Then I arrived for my Monday visit with S. We had the radio on - S likes to have music playing, even when he's falling asleep - and the announcers were talking about the State of Origin (a Rugby League series of 3 matches between rival state teams, New South Wales and Queensland). I told him I'd make sure we put the radio on the right station on Wednesday night so he could listen. Suddenly the most important thing in the world for him was finding a way to be able watch the game! I told him I'd find a way. Tuesday comes and I get through my staff meeting and a few other things on my now half day before running back to the hospital for this family meeting. It turns out this is just me, S, his ICU team, his oncology team and the social working re-capping what S has been through so far, and then scaring me (and more so S) by saying out loud the words "Palliative care". Essentially they are telling us we are out of further options. He is being given everything possible to assist recovery - the blood pressure meds are now at a low dose, but they still have to support his blood pressure, he is still on a ventilator to assist his breathing, the infection is still not improving, but it has not got worse, they have run out of different antibiotics to throw at the infection, it still seems the bleed is present, the scabs on his lips are still apt to bleed more than they should if they are disturbed. If his organs start to fail there will be nothing they can do - surgery will more than likely not be an option, and one failure will lead to another until his heart, then brain will go and that will be it. So, if we start to see organ failure palliative care becomes the only option. This is the point at which I am in disbelief. He can't be that bad. He is still totally alive mentally. How can we be discussing "making him comfortable until he dies"? And S is even more disbelieving and scared than me at those words. Yes S has looked better, yes he has spent over 2 and a half weeks in ICU, yes he has a lot more hard fighting to do if he's ever going to beat this, but his brain is fine, he is completely aware of where he is and what's going on around him - just a bit inclined to tire quickly. I stay with him longer than I intend to that night because he starts to complain of stomach pain. It gets worse. Really bad. They give him morphine. He says it doesn't help. His breaths start hitching, like something is stabbing him or something. He finally gives me the description "like hiccoughs, but sore". I can see how swollen his stomach is - fluid retention. And he is also complaining that he wants to lie on his side. We have to wait ages for the right number of people to be available to turn him on his side, to a more comfortable position. But his stomach is still giving him intense pain and whatever spasms are causing the breath hitches and grimaces. I have to leave him like that - in pain, but with the nurse on duty doing whatever he can to ease the discomfort, administering Morphine whenever possible - visiting hours are over and I'm asked to leave. On my way to work on Wednesday morning (5th June) I get a call from the head doctor in S's ICU team. He wants to know what time I can be there today - S has had major abdominal pain since last night (I know, I was there!), and they are investigating the cause, but it looks like the kidneys are failing. He tells me he will update me via text when he knows more, I tell him I will get there as soon as I can after work. I get no texts all day. I get to the hospital around 4:45pm - armed with the all important iPad mini for him to watch the State of Origin game on (yes, that is still a priority for S! God

love him!!). I'm told S has been taken for a scan and I need to come back in about an hour. So, when I return and he's back from the scan, I get the iPad hooked in to the Wifi and open the app he needs. Then I have to have the conference with the doctor. His kidneys have failed. Fluid is building up in his stomach. They want my permission to put a drain directly in his belly to ease the pressure. I give it. I have to wait outside while they get this done. There is a brief discussion about surgery - but that would literally be futile. Again we have the conversation about palliative care. This is the beginning of the end. His body is shutting down. S can't fathom this. He says the words that still break my heart, pointing to his head to indicate his mind he mouths "I'm still alive". He has so much to say, but we can't understand him through the scabs on his lips and his inability to make any real sounds. We try to get him to write things down, but his hands are really too weak. The doctor has asked if he wants to have the pain medication increased so he can slip away peacefully. The sentence he writes is "I just want to see how I go" - he wants so badly to keep fighting. He doesn't want to die. Once the doctor is sure he is comfortable for now he leaves us to watch the game - no S has not forgotten the game! He does not administer the pain medication, but he gives the authorisation for its use once S requests it. And although I had not planned to stay and watch the game (which starts around the time visiting hours end), I do. They let me stay. He nods off a bit during the second half, but I know how much seeing it means to him, so I rouse him for the good bits, and make sure he sees the end - a good result for him, a come-from-behind win for his team. I say my goodnight and leave S to get some sleep. I have told my boss how dire things are, and he has told me I have leave starting now for as long as I need. I get a call around 9:30 on Thursday morning asking me what time I will be getting to the hospital. Apparently S has been asking for me. I had a couple of things to do before I could get there, so I arrive just after 11:30am. S is not as awake and aware as he was last night. They have started giving him the pain medication (Fentanyl) the doctor was talking about, and it has affected S's ability to focus, and therefore communicate. He has apparently been asking what's going on - last night he knew the story, now he's unclear. I wish they had held off on administering the drug. I would have liked to speak to my clear headed husband today. His kidneys have failed, the liver is failing. We are out of options. His Dad and brother are in and out today - we are kind of rotating our breaks until early afternoon. A Palliative Care consultant, and the social worker and the nurse looking after S want to have a meeting with me, and it takes me longer than it should to realise that this meeting is for me to give the final word on the beginning of the end. They are focusing on making sure I am okay with what's about to happen. Making sure I know that I have the final say, and once I give the go ahead they will stop all meds that aren't making him comfortable - the Fentanyl dose will increase, but the feeding, the antibiotics and finally the Noradrenaline will be stopped. It will then be a matter of minutes or hours before he is gone. I know they are trying to be helpful, but having them ask if I'm okay, having them tell me how strong I have been for him and how much of an advocate for him I have been is only making my heart break more. That afternoon, his brother, sister-in-law and their 4 kids, my brother and sister-in-law and 2 of their kids all come in to say their farewells. The Fentanyl dose has already been increased, so S knows they are there, but he is so drowsy it's hard for him to open his eyes. His sister-in-law wants to stay with me. She doesn't seem to understand I need to be alone with S for this. But, at last she gives me space. I'm the one who has to give the green light. It's really hard to do, but I know we

are out of options. As soon as they stop the blood pressure medication (Noradrenaline), S opens his eyes and looks at me. He is as focused as I have seen him all day, his grip on my hand is desperately strong, and I explain to him one final time what is happening, tell him I love him, tell him I'm sorry things turned out this way, sorry for all the things we had planned that we won't get to do together, and tell him it's time to stop fighting and just let go. I try to tell him not to worry about anything or anyone, that it's okay to go. I hope he understands. It must be about 40 minutes before he is unconscious. They stop the ventilator. I turn off the radio - he can't hear it anymore, and he and I have different taste in music! I know he can't feel it anymore, but I won't let go of his hand until he's gone. He holds on for over an hour without the ventilator. Then there are no more breaths. I know he's gone. His hand is already much cooler than it was an hour or so ago. I am a widow. It has happened so fast. It feels strange, but I don't think the full weight has hit me yet. I am bursting into tears at random moments. I am thinking of stupid things like "what am I going to do with all these Fruit Loops - he eats those, not me!", instead of dwelling on the hard things like having a funeral to arrange, and dealing with all the people who keep wanting to do things for me, or stay with me.

That was two years ago now. In excess of 300 people came to his funeral service - a testament to how many friends he made, how many lives he brightened just that little bit with his generous spirit and ever-present smile. Of course, I still miss him. I still have my teary moments. I still struggle with guilt. But I remember his smile, his laugh, the way he would sing along to the music and make up his own words (often to make the song about us), his spontaneous dancing and all the love!

#grief/mourning #death tw #cancer tw #hospital #illness tw #medical procedure #medical drugs #tw cpr

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montylukast-blog · 4 years

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An SOS To A World That Couldn’t Listen

Sun, 2 Feb 09:24

I type this down on a quiet Sunday morning.

I woke up at 08:00 with my mom already gone for work.

She asked me last night if I could drive her about 20 mins up north but she had to be there by 08:15.

This is what happened. I thought: bringing her to work would have meant that, if I said yes, I’d have to wake up by 06:00. I prefer to start my days with some warm up lead time (as opposed to waking up and jumpstarting my day).

I considered her request and thought that I could actually drive her up north earlier than 08:15 (probably around 07:30), then I’d drive back south to pick my girl up from work (she’s supposed to finish at 08:00), then drive her further south. I allotted for the possibility of her ending up having to stay longer (not unusual for a doctor) and estimated that we’d arrive at her family home around 09:30 or 10:00. We’d then spend time with her family. By 12:30, I’d have to get ready to drive back up north. Further up north. I have a commercial taping job at 14:30.

I vaguely estimated my taping to last for at least eight hours but I was also prepared for a sixteen-hour job.

Without even thinking about the time and energy I’d spend driving, I answered my mom, “Pwede (Possible).” But this was past midnight and I was tired. So I was already leaning towards giving myself time to rest and being able to squeeze in some work before I start preparing for my taping job. I told my partner that, if I woke up early (05:00 in my mind), I’ll drive everyone to where they need to be; and if I didn’t (which I didn’t), I’ll take my time to pace myself and squeeze some work in before the taping.

Before starting this blog entry, I got off a call with my partner (so she actually had to stay at work for more than an extra hour). She left her keys with me and was unable to enter her condo (near her work, where she has clothes for laundry). If we had to prioritize her laundry, I’d have to actually drive to her to bring her keys then she could go to her family home further south on her own. I told her this would take out at least 60 minutes out of my time today. She just got off a 25-hour shift. This is an average-length shift for her so I never expect her to sound as mindful as I need her to be. Even though she tells me that she’ll understand whatever I decide to do, I know that she couldn’t (not completely) because I wasn’t really spelling out my thought process. Long story short, I told her to just go straight to her family home and that we’ll soon find a way to better deal with our unbalanced schedules more efficiently (I meant things like her laundry, but I didn’t say that).

Don’t get me wrong though, I am lucky to have someone who can withstand the complications and complexity of my brain. My bet is on the idea that my current partner is the resilience that I’ve always needed.

The trade-off? I wasn’t able to give my mother and my partner a ride to where they needed to be but I was able to create this entry and I have time to practice (the violin). So I’m carrying this guilt that I’m having to compartmentalize so I can work properly.

Anyway, this seems to be my current dilemma: the influx of thoughts and stimulus into my brain is much larger in volume and much more complex than my ability to simplify and explain to the people how and why I arrive to my decisions - mostly because all of my energy ends up always going to my problem solving and triage management. (Perhaps this is why we need traditions and the wisdom of the elders. In my case though, with separated parents who simply do not understand each other, it’s a bit more complicated.)

I have had a shitload of figuring out to do. My brain now has really large muscles that are, unfortunately, chronically exhausted. It’s already taken me 2 hours to put my thoughts together and type this out and I still don’t feel like I’m explaining myself well enough for people to actually understand me. I know this because I’m 100% certain that I’ve still left out dozens of thoughts that I’ve definitely factored into my decision-making in the last eight hours (overnight). (People have been telling me to write a book, but I just don’t have the strength and the discipline to do it. Let this be the start.)

I’ve been hesitating so much, doubting myself. My bottomline has been this: who cares? After the last major incident of my life, which only a handful of people really know about, I lost everything I thought I had. Now I have a son that I cannot see. I have been reaching out to so many people over the last two or three years. The problem is that, either no one really cares, no one could care or no one knows how to “care”. Perhaps, I just don’t know how to ask for what I want or what I need. Or maybe I do not know what I need. I do tend to complicate things. I end up going in “so many circles” that I lose people before I get to my point. If you know what I’m talking about, trust me, I sincerely wish I didn’t care about most of the things that I care about.

This isn’t the first time I’ve decided to publish a personal diary. I did this almost two years back. My plan was to, initially, share this space with the very few people that I trust completely. Then, overtime, as I continue rebuilding my emotional strength and the cohesiveness of my thought process, I would start widening that circle. And, eventually, my hope, is that, with your help, we could figure this mess out and eventually help inspire others. Surely, I am not the only person who’s as lost as I am.

This feels like an SOS to a world that couldn’t listen. Hopefully, this time, I can keep my consistency. I am emotionally stronger than last year.

I must add, however, that another concern I had was that, in the publishing of my thoughts, I might end up putting certain people that I care about on an unguarded pedestal. People can be stupid. So, whenever I remember, I will try to conceal identifiable names by either switching out names and/or creating “fictional” stories to get my points across without incriminating anyone. I invite you to be a little more mindful with your handling of my thoughts.

Ultimately, perhaps, the only answer I have actually been needing to tell myself is this: I care, and that’s more than enough. And, maybe that's all there is to it: only I can care about the things I care about. That is until I prove myself wrong.

So, please, help prove me wrong. I also want to move on.

If you want to help out, please point out grammar issues (like the one this sentence has) and tell me how you think I can further simplify my very complicated thought process. In the writing of this entry, I’ve had to smoke twice, watch Justin Bieber’s new 10-minute youtube documentary (it was on the youtube homepage) and jump back into and out of different parts of the whole entry. I’ve added more than I’ve subtracted and I still feel like I’m leaving so many things out and, although it makes sense to me, I know it cannot make the same amount of sense to you. If you can tell me where I lost you, I may be able to pinpoint trigger points that are creating walls between us.

I have lived in eight cities in four different continents. I was an ace student who played football for the school and was in the student council. I am also technically a high school drop-out. I’ve been a kitchen hand, a waiter, a salesman, an operations officer, a network marketer, a violinist, a music arranger, a photographer, a marketing director and a college teacher. Now, I have a son that I do not see. I have a lot of stories to share. But before I get to the more insightful ones, please treat these first few as my warm up lead time.

This doesn’t feel finished, but I’m posting it. I have Globe knocking on my door for a modem replacement - another story altogether.

#Personal Diary

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stupidpianist · 6 years

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16 october 2018

08:00: Turned off alarm, “forced self” not to go back to sleep immediately by thinking, “if you win this battle, you’ll start the day off with a victory, not a defeat,” realizing the latter part of this sentence was redundant, but unable to stop myself from thinking it anyways.

Apologizing to all my “liveblog fans” for the low quality liveblog yesterday, was still feeling very under the weather for almost the entire day. After the last update, I lay down in bed, thinking I was just going to “rest my body a little,” and then, like, literally a second after I lay down, I fell into the deepest nap, which lasted just under four whole hours. I guess my body was a lot more exhausted than I thought?? Regardless, the day felt distinctly “over” after that nap, so I looked at things on the internet (music reviews, YouTube, you know, “the usual”) until around midnight, showered, fell asleep again at one am. Feeling good about that, that I got so much sleep yesterday, like, so much.

Might explain why I woke feeling refreshingly “refreshed” for the first morning in a long time. Still coughing A LOT, but definitely feel a bit less sick than yesterday.

08:10: Turned off alarm for second time after lying in bed with eyes closed, sometimes alternating to eyes open, staring blankly at ceiling. Turned to my side and checked phone, which I keep charging on the nightstand to the right of my bed (the right if you’re lying down on it, not facing it). Briefly checked Facebook, Instagram, skimmed news headlines, checked weather.

08:12: On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to make an 8:30 class in “McMed,” the medical building situated near the base of one of the ways to get up Mount Royal, so it’s a bit of a trek, and it’s a good twenty-plus minute walk from my apartment. I’ve found that if I power walk, I can get there in around seventeen minutes, depending on how long my strides are. So I need to “hustle,” gotta “hustle my butt to class,” gotta “push my butt up that hill.” Glad the weather is feeling like autumn, but the temperature is, characteristic for Montreal, “dropping rapidly” already… I fear it won’t be “sweater weather” for much longer...

Stood from bed, then, in an “extremely efficient manner,” I feel, in fluid, unstopping motion, put on brown corduroy pants, black short-sleeve t-shirt, flannel over shirt, “bunny sweater” over flannel, filled water kettle with water, set it to boil, went into the bathroom to “assess the situation” of how I looked, splashed water on face and hair, brushed teeth, placed yerba mate bag in mug, poured hot water in mug, put on boots, then sipped from almost-too-hot mate while taking a selfie of me sipping from it to put on Instagram story. Thought, “nice, nice, good job,” while stepping out apartment, knowing I would make it to class on time, and that I was atypically feeling ungroggy, though also a bit dim and unmotivated, though also unstressed, probably a result of the emotional stunting effects I always feel when I have a cold.

08:34: “Made it” with a minute to spare. Sitting in the furthest back row of the large lecture hall. Hey, between you and me, this is actually the first lecture in this psych stats class that I’m going to sit “all the way through.” I know what you’re thinking, please don’t think it, because I already am. I’m such a terrible student, I know, and I’m wasting so much money. The professor for this class is so efficient, and also so empathetic; she took a break partway through the lecture to ask us humorous questions from an old survey given to Americans, like, twenty years ago, including things like: “do you put on your socks and shoes in the order sock-shoe-sock-shoe, or sock-sock-shoe-shoe,” and “do you twirl your spaghetti when you eat it, or do you cut it into pieces?” I laughed “heartily” when nobody raised their hand for sock-shoe-sock-shoe. That order does seem hellish, to a significant degree, to me, at least, though the actual survey of Americans two decades ago said that around a third put their feet-things on in the order sock-shoe-sock-shoe. What the hell.

Got first assignment back and laughed again when the TA who graded it didn’t give me points for the question which I knew I answered inefficiently, though I wrote next to my answer, “I know this is, like, the least efficient way of solving this, but I am so tired please cut me some slack.” Worth the loss of points, in my opinion. At least it gives the graders something to laugh about through the endless hours of mindless marking? In my English midterm last semester, I just rewrote all the questions I didn’t know the answer to, to things that I could actually answer, like, I’d change “Name three German Romantic poets who influenced…” by crossing out “German” and writing in “English,” then writing the answer to the new question I created.

Found myself “pleasantly enjoying” this lecture, but still finding “complete lack of enthusiasm” in knowing I’d have to finally force myself back into the practice rooms to “tickle the ivories” after not touching them for three days as a result of debilitating cold. Picturing Sylvester Stallone saying “this… is not gonna be fun” in his usual gruff delivery, then grimacing slightly, and standing up from previously seated position.

09:49: Thinking, “onto the practice rooms,” while walking to practice rooms. Weather feels “brisk,” like a Subaru commercial. Thoughts while walking: -Going to start referring to eating/drinking as “taking things to the face” -Would people really not wear ripped underwear? re: another survey question asked in class -Maybe I need to “get caffeinated” before practicing, need to update liveblog anyways -Dude vaping Juul-like device, remembering that Juuls are now officially shipping in Canada, except Quebec -Cannabis is going legal in one day here, seems so surreal

Making decision to stop at Tim Hortons on the way to “take a large coffee to the face.”

10:04: Holy crap the line at Tims is almost “out the door,” there’s no way I’m gonna wait for a coffee, heading to Java U instead.

10:10: Mission successful. Large light roast coffee in hand, chosen over dark because of its higher caffeine content. Chose maple milk to put in for the first time ever, feeling “cheery” and “full of grins.” Gonna drink it while updating liveblog in music library, then practice.

10:46: Hey, what’s up, I’m just finishing up today’s first liveblog update!! Now I’m going to post it!! Then I’m going to walk to the practice rooms and practice for a few hours!! Today is going well, I hope your day is going well too! Wow!! I’m thinking the word “wow” a lot today! Wow!!! Here’s some more Kero Kero Bonito lyrics to brighten up your day if it’s going bad, or make it even brighter if it’s going well!! I love you!

I got so much time today I got hopes and dreams and plans all yet to be made So look out the way 'Cos I'm coming through now I got something to do And I'll try As I might To keep up with the light 'Til I'm into bed for the night

I got so much more to say I got books and tapes and canvas bearing the weight But they're not arranged 'Cos it takes too long and I'm still moving on But I don't Even know Where I should be trying to go So I guess I'll follow my nose

And I can't help but think about If the sun ever stays down Will I notice or will I Just be sitting around Ticking a list off Rueing what I said wrong But dawn still greets my windowpanes And as long as I shall Wake up in the morning I got plans

I got so much time today I got so much time today I got so much time today I got so much time

13:40: Okay, so, a good almost-three-hour session. My hands felt like mush for the first hour-and-a-half, which was expected, but after going through the Beethoven and part of the Alkan, they felt strangely not as bad as I thought they would. Feel like I was “hyper-focused” for the first ⅔ of the session, and then only “sort-of focused” for the final third, but it was overall really nice.

Feeling skeptical at how smoothly today is going… Where’s the catch? What’s going on? Something bad is brewing on the horizon, isn’t it… Oh heavens look, it’s me thinking pessimistically again, I’m really not a pessimistic person, why do I keep doing this. Have to “reel in” this sort of behaviour. Today is going well and I’m putting in effort towards having a productive day, and sometimes that effort aligns with chance events that cumulate to a smooth, sometimes even “good” day, that’s all, right?

Gonna “call it” on this session, feeling energy/focus storage for piano “depleted.” Feeling semi-proud of myself for making it to nearly three hours without feeling “depleted” earlier, usually my sessions are most productive capped at two hours, and then if I try to continue I end up wasting more time than I actually use practicing. Might return to the practice room again today before going home, I really should be doing at the very least four hours, but maybe I’ll keep today at three hours, just because starting up again after a few days of not practicing and immediately jumping back to four-plus hours might be a little hard on the tendons/joints?? Is that just me making excuses for myself? I’ll see how I feel after my next class, I guess.

Walking to McLennan now to study a bit, see ya soon.

13:54: At workstation in Cybertheque. Weird “phasing” effect going on in my head right now, like, sounds are slightly off-balance? Not that they’re louder in one ear than the other, like, sounds sound dizzy to me, right now, if that makes any sense… I’m not describing this well…

Stomach in a bit of pain, a result of having coffee on an empty stomach and not eating anything yet today. Maybe I’ll get something cheap before class starts at 17h. Yeah, I think that would be the best option… Don’t think I’ll “last” til the end of class if I don’t. Do I go get food now, and then try and study?? That seems like a waste of time going back-and-forth so much, maybe I’ll try to “tough it out.” Yeah, okay, that seems the best option, gonna start studying now, wish me luck.

14:27: Oh no, oh no, seems impossible to “scrounge up” the motivation needed to study effectively, I’m just reading more on Ghost right now, this is bad, this is bad, don’t do this to yourself. Maybe this can be counted as the “study break” between practicing and studying?? Maybe I just won’t be able to get any studying done during this little chunk of time? I’m fine with that, I’m fine with that, I think… Still have time after class ends at 17:30 to study, can always study at home, “in the comfort” of my “tiny abode.” Shoot shoot shoot why didn’t I bring Knausgaard with me, now I don’t even have any reading material. Oh! Oh! I can read Megan’s Liveblog from my phone!! Yes yes okay, perhaps I’ll just “nip on out” for some food, then, and then head directly to class? That might work…

#liveblog #blog #writing

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