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strxwberrychocolate · 11 months

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˗ˏˋ bittersweet ࿐ྂ Fujio and the girl who’s been in love with him since middle school

notes: based off the boy I've loved since 6th grade who I know will never like me back and resembles fujio's personality a little too much. It's going to be 8 years as of 2023 October and I'm still not over him but it's okay, I'm alright with pining. the oc is literally just a self-insert so it's a mirror of myself and this is written in first-pov. long story short, this is my life story put into a short fic

warnings: canon-typical violence, recreational drug use, underage drinking, alcohol abuse, smoking, mentions of abusive relationships, implied physical abuse, mentioned eating issues, weight-related talk, shotgun kisses, blood, mentions of periods, references to depression, victim blaming, unhealthy coping mechanisms, mild gore, this is basically a trauma dump in the form of a fic so plz be aware, not edited

pairing: fujio x oc (one-sided), sachio x oc (one-sided)

word count: 6309

❝how did love become love?❞

—

I don’t really remember life before Fujio Hanaoka. But then again, who genuinely remembers life before middle school? I met Fujio in middle school, 6th grade to be exact. Fujio came to my middle school around a month after it started because he was visiting his grandfather in the countryside and his mother decided to prolong their stay. One thing I noticed was that Fujio was popular. Very very popular among all the kids in class. It was then I realized that I was the outsider in this classroom. Everyone had gone to the same elementary school in this classroom and they all already knew each other. But I didn’t feel like an outsider for too long because the teacher had Fujio sit next to me since it was the only empty seat left. I had always been a pretty shy kid so making conversation was always hard but it seems that Fujio knew that so he talked to me first. We talked about the elementary schools we went to, the area we lived in, what we wanted to be when we grew up, and the annoying people in the class. Fujio talked and talked and talked to me and all I did was listen.

It wasn’t long till I fell in love.

Fujio knew everything about me. He’d been there at almost every major stage of my life.

Fujio was the one that taught me how to ride a bike, he was the one that listened when I felt insecure about the way I looked, he listened to me talk about my dreams and aspirations, we celebrated when I got her first period with cake(It was more like comforting but it was still a core memory). We’ve been with each other for really most of the important parts of our lives. But I wasn’t his best friend nor was I the one he loved. He loved me but not in the way I wanted him to.

Middle school ends quicker than I wanted and high school starts. We don’t go to the same high schools but at least it’s in the same area. Fujio goes to Oya High and I go to Meiwa Girls School. It’s like a 5-minute distance from each other. Fujio stays at Oya High for a week until he has to go to the countryside to help his mom take care of his grandfather. I was absolutely devastated but there isn’t anything I could do. I became friends with Tsukasa Takajo during Fujio’s year-long absence. It seemed the blonde boy misses Fujio too. Things happen in SWORD but that isn’t too important. Nothing was really important to me while Fujio was gone. It sounds stupid I know but I was a bit of a hopeless romantic. It was horrible, I know. I waited and waited and waited.

Things happen during Fujio’s absence other than that whole shit show that is SWORD’s politics. I meet a guy. He’s sweet. He goes to Shutoku Boys High School. We got together too fast. I used to say it was love at first sight. I think I was wrong. No, I definitely was wrong. I don’t really remember how we met— they say the brain blocks out things that were traumatic and too much for it to handle. Was that how it was for me? Things were sweet at first, we’d text and call each other all the time. He was sweet. I think I loved him at one point, at some point. But none of that matters. None of it matters after everything he’d done. We’d talk to each other all the time, eventually, my sleep was gone trying to comfort him about the breakup he had 3 years ago, going out with my friends after school stopped and so did so many other things. I used to really like swimming, I don’t remember the last time I went. I guess I lost all the motivation to do anything.

I thought it was fine. I thought this was love. I was wrong.

It was a conversation with Tsukasa I had during my 6th month with him that made me realize what was wrong. “Sweetie, you do know you’re getting abused right?” Tsukasa said with his signature blank face, using the pet name akin to an insult

I laughed awkwardly because I in fact did not know that. It took all night for me to convince Tsukasa not to go beat the shit out of my boyfriend. I think if Tsukasa hadn’t been all burnt out since Fujio’s departure he definitely would have gone to Shutoku and beat the shit out of the guy.

Breaking up with him had been the hardest part. It took 4 months, and 4 tries. Todoroki had been helpful in that. The last try was where Todoroki came in. I won’t go into detail but jealousy and me having to stand my ground was involved. The breakup wasn’t pretty but I was free. Surprisingly I didn’t cry. The breakup happened at 6 am, the morning before a major math test. I’m pretty sure I failed but it was okay, I was free and it was all that mattered. I went to Oya High that day and skipped the rest of my afternoon classes, I wanted to tell Tsukasa and Todoroki about it in person. Turns out, everyone knew about my little problem. Maybe it was because of my very obvious physically deteriorating health and the depression I think I had that made me lose so much motivation that my curly hair was now straight and frizzy. It was nice to have all the support.

Mostly everyone was supportive and I think I may have talked about it too much, my past relationship I mean. But I just wanted the validation that I wasn’t wrong, that I wasn’t going crazy and all the things he did to me were in fact wrong and disgusting. But some people said it was my fault. Some said I should have left earlier. It made me feel worse. Tsukasa says they’ll never know what I went through unless they’ve experienced the same thing. No one will know about the nights I stayed up crying, not eating and— ah~ I’m rambling again.

This guy had been a huge factor as to why I changed so much. When I was young, I had issues with eating, I didn’t eat that much and it bothered my mom. But when I did eat she’d encourage me to keep eating so I didn’t fucking die of starvation or something. My ex had been the first to ever tell me to stop eating. I guess it messed me up a lot. Even after I broke up with him, getting back into my usual more healthy habits was hard. Really hard.

My confidence had already been non-existent before but after the breakup, fucking hell I felt terrible.

It was 3rd year and my grades were horrible, my skin, my teeth, my hair. I just really wasn’t having a good time. I used to drink before. For fun. Now it was just to forget. I wasn’t sad about the breakup itself, I wanted to forget about all that he’d done to me, everything I went through. I was angry. It made me angry that I went through that. How could I let myself go through it? Why didn’t I leave? I think all the anger I was feeling just drowned out all of my sadness.

I let go of the chance of ever falling in love again. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel that way, this way ever again.

But I guess one part of me knew that if Fujio ever came back and asked for my heart, I’d tear through my skin and muscles and pry open my ribs to give it to him.

—

❝I’m hiding in the rain, always smiling❞

—

It was like the universe finally had pity on me and one day finally, Fujio comes back. I see him outside the gates of Meiwa. Girls are staring at him of course, watching from afar, giggling. I don’t blame them. Fujio was handsome. He had a nice smile and nice features. He was really really good-looking, even more than the last time I saw him. “Fujio” I said walking over, a huge smile on my face

Fujio smiles right back at me. “Hey, long time no see! Miss me?”

“Definitely didn’t” That was a lie, I did, I missed him a lot

We stayed out that night, catching up. I patched up Fujio’s knuckles as I usually did and now we were sitting at an empty park just on the border between Oya and Sannoh. We were sitting on the swings, Fujio right next to me. The sun is setting, lighting up our surroundings in a warm orange and pink. Fujio looks pretty. His tanned skin it lit up in gold. He looks gold. For all I know, Fuijo was spun from pure gold thread. “Tsukasa told me about it… You and that guy” He says

I already knew Tsukasa was going to tell him. I was always a bit scared of that, telling Fujio. Would he be one of the people that supported me and comforted me or would he be one of the people that blamed me for what happened? “Yeah…” I say hesitantly “It was… a lot”

I close my eyes silently waiting for some kind of belittlement or blame but instead, I feel someone stand in front of me. “Hey” Fujio says

I open my eyes. He’s standing in front of me looking down at me while I stay sitting on the swing. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself have you?” Fujio asks, hand coming up to take a strand of my hair between my

I flinch. That was a huge mistake. Anger flashes through Fujio’s eyes as does pity. I feel terrible. Fujio looks like he wants to ask me something but he doesn’t. What he does instead is crouch down in front of me. “Hey” He says, his voice is a little quieter now

I’ve never heard his voice sound like that. It’s new and for some weird reason, I feel guilty. Fujio is looking up at me from where he’s crouched down. The swings are pretty low to the ground so he isn’t tilted his head too far back and I’m not tilting my head too far down either. “You didn’t deserve that” Fujio says

He takes my hand. I know this was supposed to be something heartwarming but my heart was just beating so fast and I started imagining us getting married and having kids and having grandkids and— yeah I got carried away. “And I mean it” Fujio continues “I know whatever I say isn’t going to make it better or change anything that happened but you didn’t deserve that no matter what other people have been telling you”

Figures. Fujio knew what people were saying. He always did. “What if they’re right?” I ask

There always has been this voice in my head telling me that what happened was my fault, that I deserved it. I know I didn’t but, your mind tends to be your own enemy. Fujio scoffs. “Be fucking for real! You…” He tugs a little at my hand and takes the other one as well “...You are the nicest person in this shit hole that I know. You’re so nice to everyone, you may not be the smartest and you are a little stupid and slow but… You’re so sweet. Don’t fucking let anyone tell you it was your fault because no one except you knows what happened. Never, never in your life will you ever deserve to be treated like that.”

Not only did it make my heart feel like it was doing an Olympic-level gymnastics routine in my chest but, I think I finally got the validation I needed after everything that happened. Fujio did just call me stupid in the middle of it but that didn’t matter. Not now. “I’m so so proud of you for getting out of that relationship” Fujio’s thumbs rub along my knuckles, I think he felt me shaking “It doesn’t matter how long it took you, it matters that you did it. You’re okay or… You’re going to be okay. I promise I’ll help you and I’ll make sure that fucking piece of shit will never hurt you again”

Finally, finally I was comforted the way I wanted. I finally got to hear everything I wanted someone to tell me in the first place. Being told you weren’t too broken and you could still be healed felt good.

Hearing it from Fujio was really just a plus point.

—

❝Eyes meeting but hearts apart, it’s so sweet yet so bitter❞

—

Fujio was… Friendly. He was charismatic and very handsome so of course he’s had a bunch of girlfriends and talking stages and friends with benefits. A lot of girls liked him as well, many asking me to set them up with him. I guess in the end I’ll always be that one rare girl best friend that actually isn’t something to worry about. I’m not too sure how to feel about it. Sometimes it feels like Fujio has kissed everyone but me. Am I jealous? Of course, I am. Even now as he shows me a picture of the new girl he’s dating. “She’s pretty” I gush and nudge him, because if I don’t nudge him I might just kiss him

I think I’m a pretty good actor. I’m good at pretending that my heart isn’t tearing itself to shreds every time he talks about another girl. I should definitely win an Oscar award for these performances. I’ve never tried to make Fujio like me. Because I know he doesn’t and no matter what I do, it is no use. I’m not his type nor the one he will ever love. Love can happen eventually, I know that but Fujio will never love me, I’ve already come to terms with that. But even if I have, that doesn’t mean I’m over him. “You think so?” Fujio says with a grin looking right at me

I nod. It’s really all I can do.

One thing Fujio likes doing is try to set me up with his friends. Today, it was Sachio. Don’t get me wrong. I like Sachio, but not the same way he likes me.

Sometimes I think my unrequited feelings for Fujio is just karma for all of Fujio’s friends I have rejected.

Fujio tells me Sachio really likes me. I think at one point I did like Sachio. He’s sweet. Really nice and respectful and would definitely be a better boyfriend than Fujio ever would be. But maybe it’s just me holding on so tightly to my first love, only ever having my eyes on Fujio that I’m not ever able to look at anyone else. I want to. I really do. But at the end of the day I always come back to him. I don’t expect for Fujio to return my feelings I just… I don’t know.

Maybe one day I’ll get over Fujio, move on. But I don’t think so it’ll happen soon.

I hope it does. Soon I mean.

Because my hands are starting to burn from the rope called first love I’ve been holding on so tight to.

—

❝Ruinous imagination consumes me, makes me dream sweeter dreams❞

—

“You really wanna meet Sachio?” Fujio asks me

“I’ve already met him Fujio” I tell him

Sachio was nice. I wasn’t over Fujio but I could stay stuck up on him either. It wasn’t healthy and I knew it. I should get over it, I should try. Not only to get over Fujio but also what my asshole ex did to me. Fujio aside, I was tired of feeling so angry all the time. I didn’t tell anyone that I felt angry rather than sad. What if I tell them and everyone that was supportive of me starts calling me crazy too, or stop supporting me through it? I think my emotions were always something I kept to myself. I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. It didn’t matter to me who stopped supporting me just not Fujio, never Fujio. I might actually go crazy if he does. Honestly speaking, I think I already am crazy. I won’t be surprised if I go for some psychiatric test and the results come out with a diagnosis telling me I’m crazy. After everything that’s happened paired with my weird dependency on Fujio, I think I am crazy. “Yeah but, no you know he likes you” Fujio says “Are you gonna give him a chance”

We’re inside a convenience store. Fujio wanted to get something to drink. He’s standing in front of the fridge trying to figure out what he wants while I’m standing in front of one of the glass doors of the fridge staring at my favourite drink. I want it. But I don’t really have the energy to bring my arm up and open the glass door. It’s weird. I don’t have the motivation to even do the things I like. I want to stop feeling like this. I thought being here with Fujio would distract me from the feeling but I guess not. I thought my heart was only filled with Fujio but that void after my breakup is getting bigger and it hurts. “Maybe…” I say, staring at my blurry reflection in the glass

I look tired. I’ve always had eyebags due to having low iron and a shitty sleep schedule but now they were darker. My skin thankfully looks the same and isn’t dull. I think I should thank myself for being so strict about my skincare routine and eating habits. But the glow in my skin doesn’t matter when the look in my eyes just shows how fucking exhausted I am. It’s not really my eyes that I’m worried about. It’s my hair. I’ve always loved my hair. Everyone has. It was curly and long and Fujio really liked it. It wasn’t curly-curly with ringlets but more wavy-curly. Now it was kinda straight and a little frizzy at the ends. Oh. It feels like I was seeing my own reflection after years. I look like this? This is what Sachio likes? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more ugly in my life. To make things even worse, there’s an annoying pain in lower belly. I’m on my fucking period. “...Hello?” Fujio nudges me

I look at him then look away. I can feel Fujio looking at me. I want him to stop. I feel gross. Fujio opens the door and I watch him take the drink I was staring at. “You were just staring at it” Fujio says

Before I could tell him I don’t want it, Fujio’s already heading for the counter and he pays. Oh. I think I’m going crazy. “Come on” Fujio calls

I follow his words and go outside. Fujio’s already sitting outside the convenience store on the curb. I sit down next to him. “You didn’t have to get that for me” I say

Fujio shakes his head. “You were just staring at it… So I got it for you” He says and opens up the drink before handing it to me

I take it. “Why were you staring at it?” He asks

I know I shouldn’t be admitting it out loud, but I tell him anyways. “I don’t know… I wanted to get it but like… I don’t know. It felt like too much work”

Had I been making any other expression, Fujio would have laughed at me and called me lazy. But no. Instead he gives me a sad look. “You’re fucking depressed” he says

Wow. I definitely wasn’t expecting that. “H-huh?”

“Don’t h-huh me!” He says, mimicking my words

Fujio grabs the drink he just gave me and aggressively puts the cap back on. “You need help” He grabs me by my shoulders and shakes me “Why didn’t you tell me before”

I feel weirdly ashamed right now. Tears well up in my eyes. “I told you that I’m here for you. If you’re feeling like fucking shit then you should tell me” Fujio says

He takes his hands off my shoulders and now he’s holding my face. Something wet touches my cheek and Fujio’s eyes soften. Oh. I’m crying. This was more embarrassing than it needed to be. “You don’t need to pretend to be happy or a certain way around me. I’ve already seen you being weird and fucking embarrassing! So please” Fujio says, his thumbs wiping away the tears running down my cheeks “Please just tell me what you feel. Tell me when you don’t feel okay, tell me when you’re sad, tell me if someone is hurting you, tell me if you’re scared. Just tell me”

I’m shaking. Fujio just keeps telling me everything is okay, that he’ll make everything okay. It’s unrealistic for him to say so, even I know that but any kind of comfort, even the unrealistic kind sounds nice when you’re hurting. “I promise… I promise, everything will be okay” He tells me and presses his forehead against mine

I guess there was a reason I was never able to fall out of love with Fujio. When he does things like this, how could I ever get over him?

—

❝I close my eyes but thoughts of you bring turmoil to my nights❞

—

“Has anyone ever told you how obvious you are?” Tsukasa says to me

I stare at him in confusion. We were on the top of the temple. Yes, the temple whose stairs Fujio falls down on a daily basis. We were meeting his new girlfriend. This sounds horrible but I’ve already forgotten her name. “Huh? Obvious about what?” I ask

Tsukasa nudges me. “You like him”

My hands tremble. I didn’t expect him to say that. “What? No” I deny it immediately

The blonde boy next to me on the bench only laughs. “You think I’m an idiot? You’re really really obvious. You like him, everyone knows”

Um. What? Tsukasa sees my reaction and sighs. I’m not sure what face I’m making but I think it might be the same one where Tsukasa told me I was getting abused. Fun right? “No one has told Fujio about it but he does know”

This just keeps getting even worse. “What?”

I want Tsukasa to stop talking. I don’t want to hear anymore but I have to. “Fujio knows you like him. He’s known all along. But Fujio also knows you’ll never confess to him because you know he doesn’t like you back. That’s why he keeps you here with him unlike the other girls who have confessed and then got rejected” Tsukasa explains

I’m not to sure how to feel about this. I look over toward Fujio. He’s with his girlfriend further away. It looks like she’s arguing with him but he’s only smiling. I watch him reach over and he grabs her waist. Instantly she stops and her cheeks flush red. Or I think they do. I can’t really see far away and I don’t want to wear my glasses. You know anxiety and stuff. Seeing the world clear just doesn’t help and I think the 480-720-pixel resolution that is my eyesight really helps with calming my nerves. But right now it feels like I can see everything clearly. Fujio’s lovestruck look, his girlfriend’s shy smile. I can see it all. I wish I couldn’t. “He… Knows?”

“I won’t tell him that I told you. But yeah he does know. That’s why he’s always been trying to set you up with someone else because Fujio thinks you don’t deserve him”

I frown and look away from the two lovebirds. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Tsukasa scoffs. “Oh please, we all know how much of a shitty boyfriend Fujio would be. I’m his best friend, I know. Fujio is to friendly and you’re still healing…” Tsukasa tells me “But okay, let’s say all that with that motherfucker from Shutoku didn’t happen. Being with him would make you so fucking insecure. He’s talking to new girls every day. He’s so fucking affectionate with everyone, you’d be wondering if he was cheating every other day”

Tsukasa was right. I knew he was. I thought about this before. Fujio wouldn’t be a good boyfriend. If there was ever a day that he maybe did like me back, it would be painful being with him. But still, I was still so fucking in love with him. I hated myself for it. “I know” I mutter quietly “I just can’t get over him”

Tsukasa next to me sighs and he rests a hand on my shoulder, lightly squeezing. “Try talking to Sachio more. I know him, we all do. Sachio’s nice. I’m telling you to use Sachio to get over that idiot over there but… Maybe you should try looking for other guys. You’re not gonna get over Fujio without actually looking” He tells me

He was right. Ugh fuck. Maybe I should talk to Sachio.

Why not?

—

❝Don’t wanna let go so I let go❞

—

Today was one of the rare days I was wearing my glasses. Fujio insisted on some bonding time with resulted in Sachio Ueda, Yuken Odajima, Tsukasa and Fujio’s girlfriend and me going to the movies. Now Fujio and I were waiting outside the bathrooms on the bench, waiting for all of them. I had sat next to Sachio during the movie, sharing popcorn with him. Fujio told he didn’t tell Sachio that I know he likes me. I guess now that I do know, things are pretty clear. I don’t know why I haven’t noticed it before. Maybe it was because I was too focused on Fujio. “Why does he like me?” I ask Fujio “I’m not pretty or like… Smart. There isn’t really any redeeming quality about me”

Fujio is fiddling with the movie tickets, his and his girlfriend’s. He looks at me, giving me a weird look. “You don’t think you’re pretty?”

I push my glasses up my nose and shake my head. “No. I’m not. I mean come on Fujio, look at me” I tell him

I guess I’ve always been pretty insecure about myself growing up. Especially when middle school started. My parents and relatives have always told me I’m pretty, backstabbing cousins and aunts say things to me out of apparent jealously. I pretended to think I was pretty when I was at home. I don’t think I’d ever be able to tell my mother how I actually felt about myself when she was always so proud of the way I looked, that I was so pretty. I think it would break her if I told her I hated myself— that I hated my face, my body, my own skin. I could never tell her. It was with my friends I could really spill out all my feelings. “Yeah I am” Fujio says “You’re not ugly”

I roll my eyes. “Uh-huh”

Fujio nudges me in the ribs. “I mean it. You’re definitely not ugly”

He leans over and brings his hand up. He’s so so close to me right now, I can feel his breath, see every pore and blemish on his skin— he’s still so beautiful. Fujio pulls my glasses off my face. I have told him many times not to do that. Taking my glasses off for me always felt so unnecessarily sexual. I didn’t tell Fujio it was like that though so he still continued doing it whenever I wore them anyways. “You’re very pretty, that’s one of the reasons Sachio likes you. But Sachio aside, you’re not at all ugly. You’re pretty” Fujio tells me and his other hand brushes a piece of my hair behind my ear “I’d never be friends with an ugly person”

My cheeks are no doubt red. But I play it off by punching his arm. “Fuck off” I mutter “Let me wallow in my misery in peace”

Fujio laughs softly. I want to kiss him so bad. “You are stupid though” he says

I hit him again and suppress the urge to kiss him. Fujio isn’t mine so I can’t kiss him.

—

❝will our eyes ever meet each others again?❞

—

I often wonder what kind of a person I would have been if I never met Fujio, if I hadn’t fallen in love with him. It sounds like a nightmare. I can’t imagine my life without Fujio. Maybe I’m just that much in love with him. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t. Sometimes I wish I was in love with Sachio instead. But now, sometimes has turned into an almost every day wishing as I watch Fujio and his girlfriend play around in the park while I sit alone on the bench. It’s 12:30 am. I should be going home. I’m not even allowed to be staying out this late. But I haven’t gotten any calls from my mom, maybe she’s already asleep. I say and lean back into the bench. There is something painful watching the person you love fall in love and be in love with someone else. Even more painful watching them receive it back. “Hey” Sachio sits down next to me

I look at him and smile. After the movies Yuken insisted on going to get some stuff because he hadn’t smoked in so long. Stuff meaning weed and next to me Sachio is smoking some as well, the spliff between his fingers as he leans back against the bench next to me. Yuken and Tsukasa are off to the side talking quietly amongst themselves while smoking and Fujio’s still with his girlfriend, pushing her on the swings. “You feeling okay?” Sachio asks me, taking a drag before slowly exhaling “I heard about what happened with the guy”

Sachio has always been the kind of guy everyone went to when they had some kind of problem. He was nice and gave really good advice. “Yeah… I mean… It’s taking a lot longer than I expected for things to get better” I say quietly

I started taking a lot of painkillers after my breakup, not just alcohol. Thankfully Fujio seemed to catch on and stopped before things could get serious but I still feel like absolute shit during random times of the day. “Well you can’t expect to get better overnight. Your relationship was 9 months… That’s a long time. So you can take your time getting better too” Sachio says

I turn my attention to his lips, watching them wrap around the spliff and slowly exhale. Sachio sees and grins. That’s kinda hot. “Wanna try?” He asks

I stare for a moment at the drug wrapped in brown paper. “I don’t know how”

Sachio’s red-rimmed eyes are saying so much but so little at the same time. I don’t know what he’s thinking. But whatever he is thinking is making him hesitant to do whatever he wants to do next. It’s a short moment before he speaks again. “Come closer” he says

I obey without thinking, the sides of our thighs pressing together. Sachio takes my glasses off my face. Haha fuck. He brings the spliff up to his lips and then pauses, still looking a little hesitant. “Inhale okay” he says before taking a drag

Sachio leans over and I don’t move. He takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger. He leans in closer, closer, closer. I can see his pore, the blemish, the moles, I can see all his skin up close. I think he’s going to kiss me but Sachio hasn’t closed his eyes. I realize he hasn’t exhaled yet so I have an idea of what he’s doing. Sachio’s lips press to mine but not to kiss. Well kind of. He exhales smoke into my mouth and I inhale. His lips feel soft. It feels nice. Sachio pulls away not too long after but I can still feel his lips on mine. I exhale, coughing a little bit. My throat burns but it’s not as bad as I thought it’d be. “Didn’t know you knew how to do that” Sachio says with a little laugh

My face is probably red right now. “Uh… I saw Odajima teach a girl how some weeks ago” I mutter

Sachio laughs. “Of course you did” he says

He’s smiling hard. I wonder why he he likes me. I wish he didn’t. Sachio shows me how to properly smoke after that. He doesn’t let me smoke to much though. It’s not too bad but he says he knew I probably didn’t each much so I shouldn’t else I’d feel nauseous. It feels weird being high. I’ve drank but smoking was a new territory for me. I feel a little lazy. But not the bad kind. This doesn’t feel too bad. I have a feeling I’ll get an earful from Fujio later, he’s been giving me looks. Fujio doesn’t smoke, Tsukasa does. Tsukasa gets scolded by Fujio on a daily basis when he comes back smelling like weed. I probably won’t do this again. I look at Sachio who’s already looking at me. Maybe it’s the weed that is making me lose lipped but the next words leave my mouth like vomit. “Why do you like me?” I ask and regret it immediately

Sachio smiles. “Why? Do I need an exact reason?” He asks

Something twists in my chest. It hurts. I don’t want him to like me. Not because I like Fujio, but because I don’t deserve to be liked by someone as nice as him. I’m a horrible person. “You deserve someone better,” I tell him “I’m not fishing for compliments here but I’m not exactly the most extraordinary”

Sachio sighs. The spliff is finished and now all we’re left with is uncomfortable questions. Thank god I’m high or I probably would have ran into the middle of the street and got myself hit by a bus on purpose. “I don’t care if you’re not anything extraordinary” He tells me shaking his head “I like you and you don’t get to decide who I deserve… That’s for me to decide”

I want to cry. I want to so badly feel better again or maybe at least get over Fujio. “But I… I’m not okay. I probably won’t be for a while. And no matter how hard I try I… I don’t want you to wait for me forever Sachio. What if I can’t ever fall in love again?” I tell him, almost whispering at the end

Sachio turns his entire body and is facing me. “I don’t mind waiting” He says with a smile “But me and my feelings aside, you can take as long as you want to feel better. It doesn’t matter who’s waiting for you. Me or Fujio or anyone. You need to feel better for yourself”

I fumble with my hands while staring right into his eyes. Does being high make you emotional? I don’t know. But fuck I felt like crying. “How do I know if I’m better… It feels like I never will”

Sachio is smiling so softly at me. It makes my heart hurt. His hand comes up and he takes a stand of my hair between his fingers. “Your hair. Maybe when your hair is back to how it used to be is when you’ll be better” He tells me

It’s 1 am. I should be at home. But here I am, with Sachio— the boy that loves me the way I wished Fujio loved me. I wish I loved him back. There are so many things I want to ask Sachio right now but I don’t. How do you get over someone who was never yours, to begin with? Who do you blame when you’ve broken your own heart? I don’t say anything but Sachio keeps talking. “I’m not forcing you to love—like me back… Right now I’m just telling you to take your time and maybe love yourself first” He says

Stop loving him goes unsaid but I know he wanted to say it. At that moment in Sachio’s eyes I see something of myself. He looks at me the same way I look at Fujio. It hurts. I wonder if this hurts him as much as it hurts me. But here’s the thing, I could get over Fujio and maybe I could even one day love Sachio back. But I’d never be able to forget the feeling of hurt nor the thought that I may only be loving Sachio back because I don’t want him to feel the same way I feel right now. I look toward Fujio who’s wrapping his girlfriend up in his arms and kissing her forehead. It feels like pieces of glass are tearing into my heart.

Had someone told me being in with would be so painful I would have never fallen for Fujio in the first place. I look at Sachio and feel almost a little better.

Does he wish I get over Fujio?

Does he pray at night for me to love him back?

I’m not sure I want to know. Maybe my problem is that I love Fujio way more than I love myself. Maybe the day I start loving myself again will be the day I get over Fujio. Sachio’s hand comes up and he brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear.

It’s 1:35 am, I’m supposed to be at home sleeping but instead here I am; high in front of a boy that doesn’t love me back and sitting next to one that does. I feel ungrateful and cruel.

I hope I never break Sachio's heart like I broke my own.

#fujio hanaoka #high&low the worst x #high&low #high & low #high and low #oya high #high&low the worst #unrequited love #Fujio Hanaoka x OC #high&low x reader #fujio hanaoka x reader #high&low the worst cross #sachio ueda #hanaoka fujio #ueda sachio

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dosthoeyevsky · 7 months

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Today on Cooking With Fitz:

the iconic australian women's weekly duck cake from the 80's!

Its my brother's gf's birthday today and because im unemployed i have been enlisted to make a duck cake for her, and im going to make it the most obscenely adorable barbiecore duck cake in the universe because she is terminally gen z and the sight of ducks makes her cry with joy.

My genzennial self respects that immensely, and I've got a reputation now in my family for being The One Who Does The Best Cakes because i took up baking as a coping mechanism for depression about seven years ago and now its become the big thing i'm known for. And i'm not at all upset about that, because baking absolutely fucks hard as a hobby. I've competed in baking contests. I've won prizes in a couple of them. This could not be more my wheelhouse.

I'm extra, so instead of doing the cake mix that the birthday cake book suggests, i'm doing pound cake and swiss meringue buttercream. And because I have a lot of friends online I thought i'd liveblog the experience here and pin it to the top of my blog so y'all can follow along with me!

The oven's preheated, the ingredients are coming up to room temperature, and my neck hurts. That has nothing to do with anything. I just want you to know my pain. I might lie down on the floor later.

#bluey #bluey duck cake #posts that i gone and done #womens weekly duck cake #baking #baking with fitz

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gentaro-kinniecom · 1 year

Note

Can I request Shu Itsuki with a fem s/o thats afraid that he's not really in love with her or that he'll fall out of love

༻Out of touch༺

→Characters: Shu Itsuki/fem!reader (use of Y/n and she/her pronouns)

→Cw: teen and up, fighting, making up, yelling, angst (?), happy ending, idk what else to put here help

→A/n: hii! Tysm for requesting <3, this was actually my first request!! I’m sorry I haven’t had the time to post this so i hope you enjoy it :3

Dating Shu Itsuki had it’s perks.

Like him spontaneously gifting Y/n a beautiful dress or anything he decided to make for her at the time. But, one side a lot of people didn’t know, was that he often grew distant of his lover. She would patiently wait for his arrival at late hours with a warm smile and open arms, but he simply greeted her and left to shower and get ready for bed.

Of course, it’s understandable for him to be tired of working relentlessly as an idol and a designer. Even so, that gesture made Y/n rethink everything they’ve been through, some including fights or general disagreements between couples that always ended up the same way: with a hug and apology coming from them both.

At the same time, it wasn’t easy dealing with how Shu felt about Valkyrie’s sudden downfall, he couldn’t think of anything else except the faces of the crowd staring at him in disgust. Y/n tried helping him get out of that depression he felt, but to no avail. It went on as to Shu had yelled at her for dropping something so small as a cup during one of their arguments

“Can’t you do anything right at all?!” Shu yelled in anger as tears prickled her eyes, she stiffened her cries and picked up some shards before Shu had realized what he had done. He tried lending a hand but she just took the broken shards and threw them in the trash by herself. Y/n knew that part of that frustration he felt wasn’t because of what happened, but it still hurt how he yelled at her

During the night, just as Y/n was going to bed, Shu caught her just in time before apologizing deeply and having a conversation about it. He promised things would change for the better, but did it really? In due time, Shu was able to make Valkyrie grow once more with Y/n and Mika’s help, apart from that, it took a long time for him to recover from the trauma on-stage, Y/n however, encouraged him throughout ever little step. It almost felt as if he was using her as a form of coping mechanism from it all.

Even after the war, when the five-eccentrics went on their own separate paths, Shu grew quite distant from Y/n. On their second anniversary, Y/n waited for Shu with a beautiful cake and some flowers for him, until minutes turned into hours and just like that, he had yet again missed another important event in their lives. The next morning was like all those other times where he’d apologized and promised to make it up next time. Y/n had enough and pushed Shu away before speaking

“Do you still love me, Shu? Did you fall for me at first and then decided to treat me as if I didn’t matter to you anymore? I’m your partner, if you truly fell out of love, it’s best if we part ways here” She spoke with tears in her eyes, walking towards the kitchen of their shared apartment as Shu walked behind her.

“Of course I still love you my dear, it’s just that I’ve been so busy and-“ She huffed in both annoyance and irritation, Y/n knew that he had forgotten like usual

“Busy? Even to the lenghts of missing our anniversary for the second time?” Shu sighed, looking at the cup of (beverage of choice) in her hands, the truth was that he had felt like the connection between them got lost in between all the success Valkyrie had had, and he couldn’t dedicate that much time to a relationship anymore. Shu didn’t want to let her go no matter what, even if it meant doing anything just to apologize for all he’s done

“Listen, I know being an Idol is hard work, but I’d appreciate if we went out sometime or spent time together, it doesn’t matter where, just you and me, okay?” He nodded at her words, holding her hand as she smiled softly. Y/n was right, perhaps what they needed was to have a relaxing night out between two lovers

The following week consisted of Shu making time for their relationship, now that Valkyrie was in a small hiatus, he took this chance to travel with Y/n to Paris, showing his beloved the many places he adored and other things like art museums and elegant coffee shops, even kissing under the Eiffel Tower at night, where it shined so brightly under the two “over the moon” lovers.

It all felt like the first time they fell in love. The best thing of the entire trip, was when Shu was able to reserve a spot at one of the most luxurious restaurants and decided to celebrate their (late) anniversary there. It seems like Shu really did his best to make it up for her for all the things he had done and the things she did for him throughout the relationship

In the end, once they returned to Japan and Valkyrie’s hiatus was over, Shu managed to fit in his schedule, whenever he could, a lunch date or anything that allowed them to spend time together

When Y/n’s birthday arrived, he made sure to spend the entire day with her, taking her out on a movie date and a walk around the town, hand in hand as he smiled, making sure to give her an unforgettable birthday. He wanted to let her know how much he changed, and how far he’s willing to go for their love. Shu’s main goals had changed for the woman he so loved, to cherish and protect her, even when times where difficult and after many mistakes, he finally felt at peace beside her

#ensemble stars x reader #ensemble stars #shu itsuki x reader #shu itsuki #sillies #shu itsuki nation real

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shootingsun · 2 years

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Wammys kids incorrect quotes except they're all conversations/statements I have been a part of:

L: Oh my God it's just like the time Beyond set his school on fire-

Mello: He what

Beyond: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND YOU'RE MAKING IT SOUND WORSE THAN IT WAS!

Mello: I'm sorry for Near's behavior

L: you do realize that you were also participating in the behavior?

Mello: nooooo I was fighting on the side of righteousness it was justified

Near: is this a healthy coping mechanism? No. Will I continue to do it? Probably

Matt: stop telling little kids stories about real life serial killers!

Mello: if I had to be cursed with childhood trauma, SO DO THEY

Beyond: No you don't even understand this manga changed my entire LIFE please read it I'm literally begging you

A: But I already know the entire plot because you told it to me via a series of rants

Beyond: STILL!

Matt: I'm trans and a gamer which somehow just makes me even more swag

L: I genuinely believe that no-one here is cisgender

A: Uh, I am?

Beyond: it's okay, we'll accept you when you realize that you're wrong

Beyond: My gender is the same as that one frog man I saw on a computer once

Near: Same

Mello: Yup, agreed

Matt: I don't think anyone here DOESN'T relate to the frogs gender honestly

Mello: I don't want to have sex with anyone you whore I want to have academic validation!!

A: I'm literally going to die this very second, unless-

Beyond: OH THANK GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE ENDING THE SENTENCE THERE

Mello: the drunk horse show destroyed me emotionally however it did give me cool ideas for characters

Near: I'm sorry, the drunk WHAT show

Mello: Horse, god keep up Near

L: Buying cake at 7:36 in the morning and consuming it all in under two minutes IS self care actually

Matt: Why do acesexuals say the most horny shit? Like, lots of you don't even want the sex so why

Mello: Honestly I dunno but as an acesexual I can confirm that I say horny things all the time both in and out of context

A: I'm a good person, I'm a good person, I'm a good person, I'm a good person-

Mello: Uh. What's A doing?

Near: He thinks if he says it enough it'll come true

L: That's because it works you know.

Mello: Wait really?

Mello, under his breath: ...I will get the top score on my exam, I will get the top score-

Beyond: Who needs mental stability when you have EYELINER?

L: I've been in counseling for 7 years now.

Matt: Uh, good for you I guess

L: Not good, somehow I'm still depressed they failed to fix me emotionally

L: Look, someday, when you have the life experience I've had, you'll get it

Mello: I've never had the horizontal line dance because I'm literally underage and asexual

L: Oh shit yeah you're right

L: Hang on a fucking minute what did you just refer to sex as-

A: Everyday I get closer and closer to committing a -cide. And the motherfuckers who've crossed me better pray it's not the Homo one.

Mello: HOW ARE YOU BEATING ME YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED THIS GAME BEFORE??

Matt: Honestly I dunno I'm just pressing buttons and hoping for the best

A: Do I picture his hair, his face, his eyes, the way our hands touch before I go to sleep? Do I long to feel the romance I'll never get to experience with him? Maybe. I mean, it might just be our mutual aromanticism, it might be my depression, but I know we can never be together in the way everyone expects us to be together...

Near: Sympathy noise.

A: Did you just say the words 'sympathy noise' to me?

Near: I'm bad at feelings why did you come to me about your sad gayness I don't know how to respond to that

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spooniechef · 6 months

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Gluten-Free Bread (1 spoon)

Things are a little depressing on the wet little island I currently call home. Okay, by "a little", I mean "this country's government is publicly struggling to find loopholes in human rights law". So as you can probably guess, the whole situation is significantly testing all the coping mechanisms for clinical depression that I learned in therapy.

Therefore, sublimation time - sublimation being where you take all that grief, rage, depression, whatever, and you stuff all that energy into doing something positive and constructive. Now, when I got my fibromyalgia diagnosis, gardening was my primary sublimation activity, but we're into mid-November now and the garden's kind of sleepy right now. That means baking is my primary option. I mean, I need gluten-free bread anyway because I need bread crumbs for various recipes I want to try, and gluten-free bread is expensive, so why not just make my own? Particularly when I might get bread that isn't about 35% air bubble if I make it myself?

I'll say this for those of you who can eat gluten - the consistency of the loaf I baked last night (recipe courtesy the Dish By Dish website) is not the same as your bog-standard supermarket loaf. The results of this recipe are softer, spongier, and somewhere on the texture scale between cornbread and cake. That's not to say it's bad, but if you've got issues with the texture of foods, it's a fair warning. Now, here's the thing that gluten-free bread has over regular bread for those of us with more physical disabilities - no kneading required. Hell, it wasn't even all that hard to mix by hand (though I probably still should have used the hand mixer; still, I was sublimating).

So! Here's what you'll need:

2 1/2 cups gluten-free all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon xanthan gum (unless your flour blend already contains it)

1 teaspoon gluten-free baking powder

2 1/4 teaspoons instant yeast

2 tablespoons sugar

1 teaspoon salt

1/3 cup neutral-tasting oil (vegetable, sunflower, etc) or melted butter

1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar

1 1/2 cups warm milk or milk substitute (110 F / 40 C)

2 large eggs, room temperature, beaten

Having made regular bread with actual gluten in it, this is an unusual combination of ingredients, and is probably why the consistency is closer to cake / cornbread than actual bread. Still, I figure things like the egg and milk are helping to bind the bread dough in same way the gluten molecules ordinarily would.

Anyway, here's what you do:

Combine all dry ingredients, whisk until well-blended

Add oil, vinegar, and milk, mix for 1 minute or until fully combined

Add beaten eggs, mix for 1 minute or until fully combined (consistency should be close to cake batter)

Add dough to greased 8" by 4" loaf pan, cover with a cloth, let rise in a warm place for about 30 minutes, or until it's about doubled in size

Once dough has risen, preheat oven to 350 F (175 C), then bake loaf for 50 minutes, until top is golden brown and the loaf sounds hollow when tapped.

Let cool in the pan for about 10 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack and cooling the rest of the way.

No kneading, remarkably little aggravation, and the only real issue is the number of things to wash up. The result is the sort of bread that probably works best toasted, or as the base for French toast, or turned into bread crumbs for breading things. Then again, almost all gluten-free bread needs toasting or similar to be palatable, and this was nice with butter and jam (in a cakey sort of way) when it was just out of the oven. So all that to say that it was a reasonable sublimation activity that left me feeling a little more accomplished and less helpless in general.

Now I have to go out for the ingredients for cornbread.

#the spoonie chef #recipes #gluten-free #baking

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star--nymph · 1 year

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People have opened up the flood gates; I will now be making a list of random facts about Kassandra and you guys will ENJOY IT.

Has PTSD, Depression, and Clinical Anxiety.

May have undiagnosed ADHD.

BISEXUAL.

5'2 ft of pure unadulterated, unstoppable POWER.

Insomniac; has nightmares and terrors and will avoid sleeping for days at a time.

May have a deathwish/suicidal tendencies.

Copes with: Alcohol, Cigarettes, Fighting.

As the story progresses, develops a hobby/coping mechanism with plants and flowers.

Allergic to kiwi.

Favorite colors are ‘dawn’ colors: red, pink, orange, yellow/gold. BRIGHT.

Loves flowers, plants, and knows a lot more about flower language than most people would expect.

Has been playing chess with Ryuu since they were kids. She’s currently losing 228 to 219.

Actually loves shopping and clothes a lot, but doesn’t wear her nice things often enough.

Notoriously bad cook.

Has like. A closet full of different colored leather jackets. Won’t stop buying clothes.

Loves reality shows, horror movies (she loves creature features), and romcoms.

Actually really bad at videos game but doesn’t give up to like. A concerning degree.

Likes to listen to music and sing to herself when she’s alone.

Loves dancing and drags people up to dance with her.

Eventually gets a red bearded dragon named Poppy.

Favorite animals are all lizard. Can name every type of lizard if you ask her.

Lives off of a coffee and red bull and pure willpower.

Gives such GOOD hugs and cuddles but has to be wrestled into being the little spoon??

Horses freak her out. Really all big animals do but especially horses.

Big Sister Friend.

On bad terms with her uncle.

Had a girlfriend for a period of six years that broke up with her three years prior to the current story; doesn’t like to talk about her.

Loves kids.

Has the sweetest, softest voice when she sings. Sings a LOT.

Her favorite song is ‘I Wanna Dance With Someone’ by Whitney Huston.

Hates sodas and anything that pops in her mouth. Bad texture.

Loves Birthday Cake flavored ice cream.

Hates hates hates the cold!!

Actually a far better listener than most people give her credit for.

That kid in elementary school who lifted all the chairs during clean up time because someone told her she wasn’t strong enough to do it.

Also that kid in school who would not sit down in her desk and by would I mean COULD NOT. She just wanted to TALK TO HER FRIENDS.

Loved light up sneakers so much as a kid that now she literally ha combat boots that glow.

Cares for everyone but isn’t keen on letting her guard down

WHAT IS VULERANBlITY I ASK YOU

“don’t ask me to talk about my feelings, I’ll fight you, I’ll fight your mom, I’LL FIGHT ME”

will hold a grudge until the end of fucking time

you know that joke where someone tells character A to disarm and it takes them literally stripping down with a pile of weapons in front of them to do so? That's Kass

Surprisingly shy with romance??? Melts easily buT Don’T LOOK AT HER

Kind of working on her impulses and her mouth works faster than her brain a lot of the time

Should have the one brain cell of the group but absolutely doES NOT

Has almost a Phoenix Wright level of pain tolerance and yes that should scare you.

Has a rose on the back of her neck to cover up a former military tattoo

Was called 'The Brat' during her military days

When she sees a pretty person she gets all dreamy and flirty but then when she actually flirts she does the bisexual finger gun thing

#deity oc- kassandra rosales #I just LOVE HER SO MUCH #I LOVE HER SO SO SO MUCH #Godkiller//Deity

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iris-drawing-stuff · 11 months

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A couple of thoughts I had about “I Love You”

So the amount of cake he feeds her is clearly less than how much she feeds him. I think the cake may represent affection and love, but specifically a love where they don’t acknowledge their problems. It’s just a substanceless sugar sweet that doesn’t do anything but make you happy in the short term without addressing the core of the issue. He feeds her a small amount when she is upset on the couch. Their relationship was really unbalanced where she was overwhelmingly loving. Look at that cake, how can he fit all that in his mouth without difficulty?

I think they both had issues prior to the relationship, with the BF possibly dealing with depression. I’ve also seen the theory that he was financially dependent on her because of the line "Clothes Food Shelter + Love and Miss you" and if that’s true, then that’s fucked.

Mahiru didn’t really know how to help him, so she just did what he did to her when she was upset. After all, it cheered her up, so she should give back to him with double the cake (love). Obviously, it didn’t help him at all, and the overwhelming and suffocating nature of her love made things worse.

Mahiru’s attitude towards what Kotoko did shows that she thinks people should do what they believe is right no matter what. She may have had this same attitude toward her boyfriend's suicidal feelings too. Which is... so fucked up if true. It would also support the theory of her intending to commit a lover’s suicide. I’m not sure if I fully buy that theory, but it’s interesting.

With hindsight, Mahiru knows that she was wrong deep down. That’s why it switches back to reality. The cake is a rat. Dead rats can symbolize many things, including betrayal and a lack of adaptability. Not everything can be solved with just love, but that’s all she offered. BF needed actual help. The lyrics also indicate this.

Saying I love you but doing what I did,

I know I have no right, crossed and covered in sin

My love, it scored an own goal, destroyed my love and me with its weight

Tell me, oh tell me why, can’t I just do it right

This does contradict her VD, where Mahiru says she hasn’t done anything wrong, but I think it’s because she equates her love = life. If her way of loving was wrong, then everything about her and her life is wrong. It seems like a coping mechanism, the only way she can justify staying alive.

Also she is does verbally doubt whether her relationship was good or not as well. She “thinks” they were normally going out. Perhaps she just needs more time to process.

It’s taken her this long to even admit that he’s dead. Her reluctance to fully verbalize her responsibility reminds me of Fuuta. Neither want to fully admit responsibility, but they know they were wrong.

That’s my thoughts for now. Also, does anyone know why he was wet at the start, but dry at the end? The only thing I could think of is that he might have been hanging there when it rained, but there’s no mention of rain. I couldn’t think of anything else.

#milgram #mahiru shiina #milgram thoughts #my thoughts are rotating around my head like a carousel #i'm not the best at analyzing things so if anyone has any ideas id love to hear them #i tend to be quite indecisive about of interpretations of things

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piningpebbles · 2 years

Note

I don’t know if this mindset feels the most accurate after last stream we got of him? But it’s been a while so what do u think?

thank you for this ask anon because i actually wanted to talk about c!jack's behavior during the latest lore and why he was acting the way he was!

this is gonna be my longest c!jack analysis to date (around 2k words) cause i have many thoughts about this specifically so i’m gonna put it under the read more!

but it is a good read so please read it i worked very hard on it!!

tldr; over the past year (around 480 days excluding the one day for jailbreak) jack has been in isolation and in a deep depression. he hasn’t had any sense of stability or way to healthily cope during this time. this has completely fucked with his mental state and has now led him into a mania, which is why he was acting so reckless and unlike his usual self.

jack’s desperate to get tommy to care about him because jack’s strongest motive for climbing out of hell was because of tommy. his life literally revolves around him. if even now, despite everything he’s tried to do since then, tommy doesn’t care about him, then what was the point of climbing out of hell at all?

after the first 80 days in isolation, we get to jack’s birthday where he’s showing very clear signs of depression, showcasing symptoms such as:

lack of energy/fatigue: “I don’t think I’ve left this room in 80 days.” “Um- and I haven’t been outside? I haven’t seen anyone...”

loss of interest in activities: “I didn’t finish the pub... You may be asking, ‘But Jack, that was the only thing you were working towards!’, I know...”

feelings of hopelessness: “I must admit, the investment into the alcohol for the pub has been the only thing keeping... I shouldn’t- let’s not speak about that part.”

lack of appetite: he doesn’t eat his own birthday cake, even though he set it out just for himself.

angry outbursts/irritability: “everything i care about on this server gets blown up! or destroyed! or taken advantage of! or... betrays me. that happens a lot.”

his birthday also showcases he doesn’t have any reliable coping mechanisms or even really know how to cope at all.

he has an alcohol addiction, which started during the manberg era but heavily worsened during these 80 days. when jack goes to the nether and his trauma is triggered by the area where he lost his second life (also showcasing signs of PTSD) his mind goes hazy and he takes a big swig of his drink before immediately changing the topic to something safer, in this case: snowchester (the coldest area on the server to combat the agonizing heat of the nether).

he doesn’t know how to cope, and the final straw that day that makes him retreat into isolation further with New Manifoldland is that he also doesn’t have any reliable support systems to turn to. he says so with this:

“...As much as I want to sit here and say Niki was kind, and Tubbo was kind, where have they been these past eighty days? Where’s anyone been? I can’t tell, no one came to the hotel, no one came looking for me. So at which point, I’d say I’m gonna find myself my own little place...”

so he starts New Manifoldland, but it doesn’t make him feel any better. in fact, you can tell it’s not exactly a well-thought-out plan, and rather an act of desperation out of not knowing what else to do.

his mental state worsens, forcing himself to not reach out and contact his friends out of the pain he’s been put through previously waiting for them at the hotel:

“God this (not talking to others) is hard, this is the first time anyone’s logged onto this server in ages and- Nope. Nope. No. I’m not- I don’t miss them. I don’t miss them. I don’t miss them. I don’t miss them. I don’t. I don’t. Remember where they got you. Don’t miss them. Missing them got you nowhere.”

and this is also when he shows a bit of what could be seen as suicidal ideation.

since his revival, it’s been implied that jack can only fully die when he wants to since he escaped death the first time. his will to live is the only real thing keeping him going. before he set his spawn in New Manifoldland, he almost dies to some mobs and says this:

“If I die down here, I will die for good because It will spawn me back there (the larger Dream SMP) and I do not want to go back there.”

the only good thing to come out of New Manifoldland is jessbee, who jack clings to as a companion and gives him the only sense of structure he has during this time.

and then jailbreak happens. jack hears the alarm, and against all his previous will to not go back, he does, and it goes beyond poorly. the entire time is spent in panic and desperation as jack tries to help fight and find dream, but to no avail.

he goes to see tommy, because despite everything tommy’s put him through and all the pain he’s caused him, jack still cares about him. tommy talks about jack reminding him of better times, and says that he needs jack, he begs for his help. but when jack is hesitant, still rightfully upset that tommy only seems to talk to him when he needs help, tommy cuts off the conversation.

he goes and confronts niki, who says to his face that she’s not sure if her and jack were right about tommy being in the wrong. he begs her, pleads that she at least agree with him that tommy was because it’s all he has.

niki has been the only person to give jack’s justified hurt feelings towards tommy any sort of validation, and if she’s not even sure if tommy was in the wrong at all, then he loses that. he loses the one shred of validation for his trauma he’s ever gotten.

niki admits that she didn’t go looking for him when he was gone, and this is what jack holds onto because it doesn’t truly matter if niki couldn’t find him, his time in isolation was just a show of if anyone would care enough to try.

they talk more, and upon hearing what niki was going through, jack puts himself down; apologizing, asking her what’s wrong with him, calling himself a hypocrite when he “selfishly” didn’t tell anyone where he was, despite the fact that no one really noticed. he’s apologizing for feeling hurt, which is unfair to himself. this is important because this is another situation where, albeit unintentionally on niki’s part, jack is taught again that his hurt matters less than others does (which he’s already been taught repeatedly by others regarding tommy’s trauma vs his own).

going back to New Manifoldland breaks him as he finds his one companion during his time of isolation, jessbee, has completely vanished. in the hurt of yet another thing he cares about disappearing from his life, he decides to put all the trust left that he has into niki, saying:

“I still don't fully know whether I'm right, trusting Niki, but we’ve got no one else left. Not anymore… I just wanna have friends again, you know? To be able to trust and have fun and love and all that, without fear of it all going wrong. If Niki promises that peace is what she has where she is then… maybe I should trust it.”

he gives his coordinates to her, with the note that she should “stop by whenever.” he’s hopeful, just a bit, in what she says. the veil of trust that he has left is extremely thin and delicate but he wants to believe in her words and how this time will be different. and hey, the problem of before (her not knowing where he is) is gone now, so maybe it’s not bad to hold out hope this one last time.

and so he waits.

he waits the longest he ever has.

and she doesn’t show.

nothing changes.

and something in him breaks.

his trust in everything and everyone he wants to call a friend is cracking, about to completely shatter, but he doesn’t have anything else left so he clings to the words they’ve said to him. he’s afraid that they’re not genuine, he’s afraid that he’s being stupid for believing in something again, and it hits him: why doesn’t he just see if their words are actually true?

niki said things could be different. niki said to give people second chances.

so he decides: you know what? FUCK IT!! he’ll make tommy prove he cares!! he’ll make him eat his apathetic words! he’ll give tommy that second chance that niki says will fix everything!! he’ll prove that everyone else was right and he was always just bitter and wrong and stupid this entire time!! he’d love to be proven wrong and that he was just hurting himself this whole time if it meant that things would finally change and he could actually just fucking be happy!!

the break of all this time has pushed him into mania, and he displays extremely strong symptoms of being in a manic episode:

abnormally high energy: the last most energetic thing jack’s done was probably try and fight off dream, but even then afterwards he was exhausted. he was tripping over himself as he tried making it to niki’s city, his home, and back. but this time he was full of energy- he went from the hotel to the prison to foolish’s summer home to snowchester to manifoldland and still seemed like he had energy left to spare!

feeling extremely excitable/happy: putting on his detective outfit that he hasn’t worn in ages, he seems so much happier getting to play his role, even if it’s just for show. you can tell he’s genuinely enjoying being by tubbo and tommy’s side again. (this may seem like a stretch but this is the happiest he’s seemed in a long time) (x)

rapid speech: while jack’s known for monologing, this time he speaks like his life depends on it. even his previous arguments with tommy barely hold a candle to the speed he spoke throughout this entire stream.

being easily distracted: when jack is trying to figure out what to do after hannah leaves, he decides to start building a new base for himself. midway through building it, he decides to go get his fox godzilla from snowchester. while in snowchester, he decides to instead make his base in manifoldland. when godzilla dies, he decides to get a turtle instead. when he can’t find a turtle, he decides to take someone’s cow. he’s long abandoned the base he was originally working on, not even going back to get the materials he’d left there.

racing thoughts/ideas: when fleeing the hotel, he has the idea to lock himself in the prison. when that fails, he decides to run into the forest and hide out there. when he dies, he runs to the nether, and hides out in foolish’s summer home. he keeps switching the plan as if he’s improvising with wherever his feet end up taking him.

increased focus on goal-related activities: the entirety of him focusing on making tommy prove he cares about him/the hotel.

and then of course:

impulsive behavior + pursuit of risky and/or dangerous activities:

jack blowing up the hotel that he once cared so deeply about.

setting the hotel ablaze and continuing to do so even when he catches on fire. (again with something that could be seen as suicidal ideation/general lack of care for what happens to himself)

burning his items despite the fact he has little to his name at all.

burying and completely getting rid of his almost full set of enchanted netherite armor (and still not going back for it after the plans failed).

admitting to tommy/tubbo that he blew up the hotel when he knows they’d just lie saying it’d be safe to do so.

telling tubbo that “[he’s] the one who needs to be taken down, not dream.” (another point showing how reckless he is with his own well being, seeing as he knows they want to kill dream/lock him away.)

spilling some of his deepest trauma to hannah when he doesn’t even really know her that well.

jack is still hurting. this stream just proved to me that he’s actually doing worse and that the year in isolation has really fucked with his perception of himself as well as how he views the world around him.

he’s desperate to prove that he matters.

he’s desperate to prove that he’s cared about.

he’s desperate for someone, ANYONE to just fucking notice him.

he wants tommy to think about him. he wants him to care.

he cares about tommy. he has shown that he cares about tommy. he fought for him during doomsday, he mourned him when he died, he checked up on him after dream escaped. he just wants to hear that he’s sorry or at the very least he wants to know that he cares what he put jack through.

he wants for anyone to just care what he’s been through. he wants for anyone to just listen to him and tell him that he didn’t deserve to go through that.

but all he ever gets is reminded of how much tommy’s been through over and over and over. he’s pushed aside and ignored and told how he’s just “going about things the wrong way if he really wanted tommy to listen” and “he should just give him another chance” but no matter how he goes about it, or how many chances he gives for tommy to acknowledge him as someone he’s hurt, nothing changes.

he’s an “anyway.”

he’s “just jack manifold.”

and if jack’s entire existence since his death has been based around tommy,

and no one (especially not tommy) cares if jack’s so much as breathing...

then what’s the point if he is?

what was the point of coming back?

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signed-yours-truly-the-whale · 1 year

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25, 77🤗

25. What's your favorite part of the writing process (worldbuilding, brainstorming/outlining, writing, editing, etc)?

Oh gosh! There's so much. I love worldbuilding, especially in Gotham City. It really is a concrete jungle, and despite all the mess and depravity and crime, it does feel like home. Arthur's apartment is fun to explore because it has a homey feel that you can sink into.

My ADHD makes me terrible at outlining, LMAO. I just go where the story takes me.

77. Why do you enjoy writing fanfiction?

The shortest answer I could say is, it's a coping mechanism. Always has been since I started writing when I was 12. When I started writing God Only Knows, I was going through some severe depression (which would turn into c-PTSD), and when I would come home it would be such a relief to write something as trivial as Arthur stressing about affording balloons and the perfect birthday cake for his kid's birthday party.

Arthur gets to be the dad that he (and I) never got to have when I write for him.

#fla I love you sm

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feelingunfulfilled · 7 months

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Finished watching a video by CellSpex discussing the thematic significance of the Cheers theme song within Fionna and Cake. And wow, it’s really opened my mind to how I’m quite stubborn with letting go of the past while chasing escapism. It becomes addicting, but restricts you from character growth and appreciating the good which has happened in your life since those times.

I haven’t chased escapism nearly as much in recent years, but I’ve had significant blows to my life during 2021 and 2022 which lead me to shut out reality. I gained the ability to immersive daydream during that time, and would sprint around the house while blasting music in my ears imagining epic battle scenes or heartfelt moments between fictional characters which I had became engrossed with. I didn’t want to be myself, I wanted to be those stories and be the living embodiment of those songs. It’s why I have a difficult time relating to self-insert stories, since I’ve never be able to pictured myself within those worlds, instead it was a fictional life that I was completely removed from but could still live vicariously through. But strangely enough, that longing to be in a fantasy world is also what makes me relate to self-insert artists who depict themselves interacting with favorite fictional characters. This is also why Fionna and Cake stuck out to me, as Fionna is stuck living a mundane life and desperately wants to exist outside of her current situation she feels trapped in

Anyways, my immersive daydream was actually a distraction. A coping mechanism while I was dealing with loneliness and grieving the death of my cousin, who I believed to be the last person that understood me. The only person left who “knows my name” as the lyrics to Cheers say. I processed my cousins death as the death of my childhood, making a permanent unfulfilling end to what I considered the best years of my life. I thought everything after that point would be downhill, leaving me in a reality I didn’t want to be a part of, where I felt forced to grow up and be an adult. I felt restricted and lifeless looking into a future where I was unsuccessful unhappy and struggling to make a stable living in this unforgiving world. Adulthood was a cage, and I would do anything to ignore the passing of time. Trying to regress back into childhood by daydreaming for hours in this world where there was no consequences for making mistakes. I didn’t have to be afraid of making important decisions on my own because it wasn’t my life to be worried about. Immersive daydreaming was like watching a live T.V broadcast of my favorite cartoon show, I couldn’t change the channel or else I would miss out on the best part of my day. I would stay up late on school nights writing down all the details from these daydreams, including settings and dialogue exchanges and full fledged plot elements with character development.

But then, sometime later in 2022, I stopped daydreaming. I really don’t know why, I’ve searched for the answer countless times over but haven’t found anything cohesive of satisfying. All I can assume is reality started to get more demeaning of my attention to the point I could no longer shut it out, or that my brain had processed through my cousins death and no longer needed constant escapism, or that my hyper-fixation on my comfort character died out and caused the end of daydreams. Another theory is that my depression numbed my ability to daydream somehow? But that doesn’t make as much sense, considering I have friends with maladaptive daydreaming who also have diagnosed depression. Whatever the reason is, loosing daydreaming forced me to exist within reality.

Things didn’t get easier from there, actually the amount of stress I was under didn’t help me feel any better. And once my depression started settling in I felt exceptionally numb to emotions and unable to have any thoughts within my brain. To this day it feels like an empty void in my head, where there’s no thoughts or feelings yet I’m still able to perceive the world around me. But the depression took away a lot of the anxiety and overwhelming stress school placed on my shoulders during 2021. 2022 my friend group was going through a lot of what I had experienced the year prior, dealing with grief and crying over the pressure school brought them. Having no emotions of my own, I absorbed the emotions of those around me and their issues made me feel as though there was no happiness in the world anymore. I constantly worried one of them would suicide and was scared for their well-being for months. The one good to come out of all that was it forced me to be the one that reaches out to them, encouraging them and trying to make them feel cared for. It became exhausting, pushing aside my issues in favor of helping them, but it also strengthened our bonds and I became proactive trying to initiate conversations more often.

And now I’m here, near the end of 2023, watching people on YouTube analyze the meaning behind Fionna and Cake. A show that managed to grow alongside its audience and resonate with the burnout many 20 year olds are experiencing now that they’ve grow up and are dealing with mundane living. Despite all that has happened in the past years, I do believe I’ve grown and developed emotionally. I feel like all the struggled I faced where temporary and I some ways, assisted me with getting out of my own head and looking out for the well-being of those around me in reality. Supporting them through the difficult times in the best way I could. It’s made me more observant and perceptive. Although I have my own struggles with depression now, at least I acknowledge my friends actually do care about me. I’m not as alone as I thought I was in 2021, my relationships have strengthened significantly since then because I finally got better at reaching out and checking in on them. And now I’m finally starting to feel like maybe my future isn’t going to be hopeless, and maybe my childhood creativity can still live on somehow.

Sorry I’m not really sure how to tie this all together in the end. I know the timeline of my life very well by this point. I have everything cataloged in my writings, audio recording, and sketchbooks from past years. But I guess I just wanted to share how I understand the message of this show a little clearer now. How escapism and being trapped in the past can actually limit your perception on how much you’ve grown since then, and your ability to make the most of what you have in the present moment. I just think it’s really neat and a topic that isn’t discussed as often as it should be, especially in a generation of people (fellow Gen-z teens) who are so attached to escapism within social media and fiction

#ramblings #cw vent

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tetrisfinished · 2 years

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i'm not sure but this is a difficult time for me

i mean, for all i know, i could be a day away from my period (folks, track your cycles, don't be me).

but i've just had a few in law things sort of pile on and i'm self inflicting a lot of anxiety.

i'm struggling at the moment. not in the way a person with real diagnosed anxiety or depression is struggling - i do not in any way want to belittle those who are truly struggling with my petty stuff. but in my own rites - i am struggling.

i'm struggling to let go, to move forward, to forgive, but most importantly just to forget. i feel like i'm trapped in a toxic space and i need an out. and i have one too. i've got many - many folks to whom i can go and rant and lighten my heavy heart.

but i just haven't gotten around to doing it just yet.

and you know what? i haven't had a good, long, real cry in a long time. not like the one i'm experiencing now as i type this out. tears are streaming down my face in rapid fire mode right now and maybe this is helping. it's helping to allow me to let out a bunch of pent up tears.

to be clear - i never let tears go "pent up". frankly, it's just not in me to hold them back. when the floodgates open, they open wide and long and they open fairly frequently too. but as i sit here thinking about things, i am realizing that i just haven't had a cry in a while.

i'm starting to almost feel like it's a coping mechanism for me maybe. to just let it all bubble up to the surface and then spill.

i don't think i've ever been the sort of person who could keep things in, but i guess life has just become so fast of late that i'm having a hard time finding a moment for myself.

and it sounds like i'm the busiest person in the world and i have no down time - when of course, this is also not the case.

i'm truly just....caught up in a lot in my head.

i want to let it go. i want my brain to go on auto and give me a break. i need to be able to breathe above the water, because right now i feel like i'm almost barely up at the top.

and i fully realize how incredibly wired i sound, when someone on the outside looking in would really and seriously question why i even feel this way at all. but i just do.

i can't explain it. i do.

i'm allowing myself to feel this anxiety that usually i have no problem just powering through and getting out of myself.

i don't know what it is about this year. i'm noticing some incredible changes in my mentalities and i'm making some big waves in my personal actions and they're maybe causing some ripple affects. ripple affects that i couldn't really be bothered to think about when i started making those waves.

but there you have it.

every action must have an equal and opposite reaction. so i'm just....eating my cake? sleeping in the bed i've made?

trying to keep afloat and breathing.

but maybe, right now, just for a short little while, i'm struggling. it's a tough time for me. i know i'll get out of it. i know i'll get over it. i know i will make it through. and i will not let my anxiety rule me. i know this much about myself.

but for now, while i'm wading in the trenches of my mind's labyrinth trying to figure out my feelings and anxieties...for right now, it's truly good to have a moment and cry about it writing all this out.

i never realized how much of a true catharsis this blog and just putting my thoughts down really affords me.

i hope if you're feeling some similar anxieties that i haven't just piled on top. and i hope if you're happy and content and satisfied that this post allows you to sit and savour in your happiness, because i am truly happy for you.

self contentment....satisfaction. these are underrated seasons of life and we should stop taking them so heavily for granted.

there. i'm done. the end.

-komal

#anxiety #struggles

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nashibirne · 2 years

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First of all, congrats!! You're an amazing writer and a lovely human being!

Annnd...

August+Baking.

Thank you so much @luclittlepond 💜 I have to admit, August and baking was a hard nut to crack and I really hope you like the way I dealt with it. 🙏

Pairing: August x you

Warnings: very brief mention of depression, soft August

My masterlist

So...here we go!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

August Walker doesn't have hobbies. He has a job to do and there's hardly ever time for leisure

August Walker does have a secret passion though

He loves baking

Cooking is not his cup of tea. It's too messy, too laissez-faire, too much 'a handful of this' and 'a little bit of that', too much 'approximately' and 'roughly' and 'to your liking', too little exactness.

Baking is what makes him relax and forget about all the mess he has to deal with on a daily basis.

Baking is exact, specific, and binding. Precise instructions lead to predictable results.

He started baking when he was a teenager. His mother was suffering from depression and one of his desperate attempts to cheer her up led to making muffins for her.

He knew he wasn't going to cure her but making her smile just for a little while, hearing her praise his baking, meant the world to him and so baking slowly turned into a coping mechanism for him

In his beginnings he only made simple things like cupcakes or cookies. Later he improved his skills and he started making cakes and pastries, tarts and pies.

He hid this from you in the beginning of your relationship, of course he did, because he has never been able to get rid of the feeling that his passion makes him look like a sissy.

It took him a year to trust you enough to open up and reveal his sweet little secret.

On your one-year relationship anniversary he surprises you with the most beautiful cake you've ever seen. It's also incredibly delicious and you can hardly believe it when he gives you a sheepish smile and admits that he made it.

August is relieved when you accept his passion without any teasing or sarcastic comments and it's a great turn on for him to see how much you enjoy the cake, how you lick your lips and fingers to savor every last bit.

The sex afterwards is mind blowing, the best you've ever had

From that day on August knows no holding back.He bakes when he's stressed out, when he's happy after a successful mission, or just to pamper you and himself on a cozy weekend

He even insists on making your wedding cake a few years later and it's nothing less but perfect. It's the cherry on top of the most amazing wedding day that marks the beginning of a wonderful marriage, filled with love, devotion, sex and a lot of cake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist

@lunedelorient @inlovewithhisblueeyes @willkatfanfromasia @hell1129-blog @mis-lil-red @agniavateira @kebabgirl67 @omgkatinka @legendarywizarddetective @summersong69 @taebfada @xxxkatxo @artandotherdelights @notabronte @littlefreya @luclittlepond @eldarwen333 @meowpurrbooks @marantha @liliumdream @enchantedbytomandhenry @greensleeves888 @witcherfan @margauxmargaux07 @radaofrivia @m07belzen @a-little-counter-esperanto @starstruckkittyangel @mary-ann84 @sillyrabbit81 @emelinelovesjc @wheretheriversrunintothesea @lam0ureuxq @kingliam2019 @pandaxnienke @littleone65 @coloraturadiva @cynic-spirit @captainbucky-yt @diegos-butt @cavillsthighs @ysmmsy

#henry cavill #cavillry #henry cavill fandom #august walker #august walker x reader #august walker headcanon

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justasillyoldfox · 2 years

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One Piece: Strawhat Ansgt Headcanons

♡This is my Strawhat angst headcanons. Don't like 'em? Leave ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

♡This non-angst headcanons are here

WARNINGS: Dark themes, angst, mention of character death, derealization, cursing, trauma, spoilers

♡Luffy: Because of watching their brother, Ace, die in their arms he has PTSD, severe depression, and he does have episodes where he detaches from reality and thinks his surroundings aren't real (derealization). Jinbei will help him cope with his depression and derealization episodes sometimes. He touches his scars a lot, exspecially the one on his chest

♡Zoro: He is highly afraid of his friends and crew members dying, that is why he always thinks he needs to be stronger. So he can protect his friends. He cannot handle the anxiety of losing his friends and a few of his coping mechanisms are sleeping so he doesn't have to think about it and training so he is focusing on something other than the horrible thoughts that come to his mind. On rare occasions he will wake up in a cold sweat because he had a nightmare about what happened back at the Sabaody Archipelago (Arc)

♡Nami: She is afraid that something like the past will happen to hear or her friends so she tries to keep everyone safe in her own ways. She does have PTSD because her past and because of what Arlong did to her mother, her village, and her mentally and physically. Usopp and Luffy will help her cope with episodes she has and try to keep her spirits and tell her they won't let anything like that ever happen to her again

♡Usopp: He is very insecure of himself and how he is perceived by the world, they don't want to be a burden to others and have them clean up their mess. He is afraid his crew will leave him if he made a mistake or not be seen as manly (Water 7 Arc). He has improved on his state of mind and physical well-being...but you can never stop the horrible thoughts that will come from the back of your brain and remind you of horrible things you have done. Nami will usually help him with these hard times and remind him of all the good he has done for the crew and how they can't move on without him

♡Sanji: After the Whole Cake Island Arc he will get reoccurring nightmares about how he was a kid, locked up in a cage, tortured by his brothers and father. He will sometimes cry, Zoro will usually accompany him in these times and let him ramble on about it, cry, stay silent, or even fall asleep on him. Luffy will let him take a break from cooking so he can get some actual sleep and let Nami or Robin cook for the time being if that's what he wants. He doesn't usually let others see how tired he is of doing anything so Luffy and Zoro both have to pressure him to take a break and enjoy the sun or being pampered by everyone a little bit

♡Chopper: Chopper's anxiety used to be really high but after being with the Strawhats he has learned he doesn't need to go by societies rules and can be whoever he wants to be. He usually sleeps in due to his insomnia and tries to make up for it by taking care of the crew while hes awake. He makes sure everyone feels welcome so they don't have to feel like he did when he first ate his devil fruit

♡Robin: She is a bit afraid of not being wanted but after Water 7 (Arc) they have come to the realization that she is truly wanted somewhere safe from her past and the feeling of being hung by the neck if she did anything wrong. She is grateful for such a place as being with the Strawhats and Luffy especially so she will protect him at all cost so she can keep the man who told her to say that she wanted to live to fulfill his wish and become the Pirate King

♡Franky: He is afraid of his closest loved ones dying so he will continue to upgrade himself so he can protect those he loves from harms way. In the beginning he was to afraid to really be close with the Strawhats because he didn't want them to end up like Tom, dying to save his life. He misses Tom dearly but is grateful for his close ones still being alive

♡Brook: Even though they joke about how they are already dead, he is still very afraid of death, as this is his last chance at surviving. He will get depressed about life and how he has left his past crew mates behind but will keep reminding himself he has the Strawhats and needs to see Laboon again

♡Jinbei: Sometimes he feels as if Queen Otohime's death was his fault and how Nami suffered a great deal because he let Arlong loose. He will try not to show it but he is an emotional person, so he will occasionally say sorry to Nami and she will continue to forgive him as she knows he still needs to grow from his slight traumatic past. He is grateful to have such another caring crew. They don't let people judge him for how he looks or acts because they will smash a couple of bitches who hurt his feelings in any way

♡I'm sorry if this is a bit shitty but I have been holding this off for about 2 days so here take this :)

#one piece #one piece angst headcanons #strawhat angst headcanons #luffy angst headcanons #zoro angst heacanons #nami angst headcanons #usopp angst headcanons #sanji angst headcanons #chopper angst headcanons #robin angst headcanons #franky angst headcanons #brook angst headcanons #jinbei angst headcanons #angst headcanons

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fairyoftbz · 3 years

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il y aura des jours meilleurs | c. chanhee

🖤 pairing: bf!chanhee x fem!reader 🖤 word count: 2k 🖤 genre: angst, comfort, fluff 🖤 tw: negative thoughts, hints of depressive thoughts and struggling 🖤 synopsis: you’re exhausted to the point of giving up but Chanhee is your source of hope and here for you. 🖤 a/n: happy birthday to our pretty boi chanhee!! 💌 i’m currently watching him decorate his cake and talk, he’s so cute :(( i know it’s a bit of a sad story for his birthday but i really wanted to write something for him and my french project! i hope it’ll be enough!

╰☆☆☆☆╮

You sighed as you walked through your front door, carelessly tossing your belongings on the floor. Not even bothering about hanging your jacket and light scarf, you walked in the bathroom and sat on the closed toilet seat. Closing your eyes, it was hard to be positive at this point. It was the third bad day in a row, and it started to really look like the world was planning a mischievous plan to ruin your life. Out of the last week, you couldn’t even point out a positive thing that had happened. Well, Chanhee’s presence and his love always managed to make you smile and feel comforted, but today, it looked like it wouldn’t be sufficient to see the idea of a smile on your face. The permanent frown that you kept on wearing left you with a pounding headache, your surroundings becoming slightly dizzy.

You were impressed when you couldn’t even bring yourself to cry no matter how hard you tried. This lump in your throat and the weight you felt in your chest didn’t seem to subside when you got out of the boiling shower you’ve just had, so you gave up in trying to feel better for tonight.

“Just not this week,” you mumbled to yourself as you lazily dried your hair with a towel before applying some face cream. It was such an exhausting task for you to execute, but you would hate yourself even more in the morning if you saw breakouts appearing because of the dryness of your skin. It was already hard enough for you to control your emotions, your current goal was to not pile up things that could actually ruin your day or make you insecure even more.

You sighed again, deeper this time when you noticed yourself into the foggy mirror. You rolled your eyes and shook your head as you tried to tame down the negative thoughts that were starting to cloud your mind, finally feeling the tears filling your eyes, but you didn’t feel any better. You wiped them away with the back of your hand, quickly applying your serum before switching the lights off and walk out of the bathroom.

With clenched jaws, you stared at the kitchen as you stood in the middle of the corridor, not feeling like eating anything right now. You just weren’t hungry, and even your favourite meal wouldn’t be able to change that. Chanhee would usually scold you when skipped meals out of pure stress or just because you didn’t have time, but today, it was different. Yeah, you weren’t hungry, but you also didn’t feel like cooking at all. It would require too many efforts for you to even get a pan out of the drawer, your stomach twisting uncomfortably at the mere idea of food.

Falling head first into your pillow, you stifled a dry sob as you held the comforter tight against your chest, taking deep breaths as you were trying to calm down. Many thoughts were running inside your mind and you felt like drowning and suffocating in your own sorrow, not knowing what to do or how to act to get better. With your hands covering your face, you allowed yourself to let the tears of despair roll down your cheeks in the quietest way possible.

The pressure in your chest didn’t magically fade away as you had hoped to, it simply worsened. Having a hard time breathing, you opened your mouth wide and took deep breaths as you tried your hardest to get better, but nothing didn’t really work.

So you gave up. You let the tears flood your entire face and neck and cry in the loudest way possible, not feeling any better. The sorrows living in your body intensified, tightening your throat in the most painful way as you tried to subside your own cries.

You froze when you saw the lights of the corridor flicker open, pressing a hand on your mouth to muffle any sound that could come out of it, the tears filling up your eyes making everything around you blurry and messy. Pursing your lips and closing your eyes, you recognised your boyfriend’s steps walking around the apartment as big tears kept rolling down your face.

Chanhee opened the front door, the darkness and the silence of the apartment welcoming him in. He frowned as the atmosphere felt weird, unusual. He knew something was wrong when he noticed that your coat was messily lying around the floor, the light of the bathroom wall cabinet not properly turned off, like you always made sure to do it. Chanhee looked around the apartment, and you were nowhere to be seen. It’s when he took off his shoes and partially pushed the bedroom door open that he noticed your figure, lying in bed.

You turned to your side, back facing the door as you heard your boyfriend getting closer, hand still on your mouth as you tried to look and sound asleep. Focusing on your heartbeat, you managed to calm down a bit and get a grip on your emotions for a quick second, slowly feeling numb. You closed your eyes and tried to follow a regular breathing pattern to make your boyfriend believe that you were already sleeping, and waited.

The latter entered the bedroom on his tiptoes, a knee on the mattress as it dipped under his weight, the young man stretching his neck over your shoulders to see you asleep. He delicately removed a strand of hair from your face and kissed your cheek, frowning and retracted his mouth as he felt a wet sensation lingering on his lips. He gently caressed your head as he felt the saltiness when his tongue met his lips, the dots connecting in his head.

You waited for him to close the door and leave to sigh and wince, realising that you’ll have to talk to him about your damp cheeks. The tears welled back up when you didn’t want to talk to anyone about what was happening inside your head. You hated when your boyfriend saw you like that, because you knew that Chanhee cared for you and wanted to help you. You also knew it was coming from a good intention, but you didn’t feel like getting anyone’s help right now.

Chanhee came to bed a few minutes later, blindly wandering to the bed to not wake you up by turning on the lights. He stayed silent for a moment as your back was still facing him, hearing him sigh as he pulled the covers on his body. He took your stillness as a sign that you didn’t want to talk to him, because he knew that you weren’t asleep yet. He knew you too well to know that you were pretending, but he also knew that it was your toxic way of coping with your feelings.

Later that night, as the clock struck 3 am, you were still wide awake, resting on your back with your hands joined on your stomach, blankly staring at the ceiling as loud and intrusive thoughts invaded your brain. Chanhee was innocently sleeping next to you, a hand extended towards you as if it were a subconscious offer from him to hold his hand. As stubborn as you were and for the third time this week, you refused to get his help, even if you knew deep down that you needed it very badly.

You knew that he could actually help you, but it was easier for you to stay in your sorrow and lament yourself until you felt numb, rather than getting help and get back on the path or happiness. You always acted like this, and you never bothered to change any of your unhealthy coping mechanisms.

However, a tiny voice in your head almost begged you to reach out to hold his hand. Your chest tightened as you stared at his slender digits, whose touch never failed to give you reassurance and comfort. Him caressing your arms or cheeks was a sensation that you discovered when you started dating, and it became just as addictive as a drug. You needed it to feel better and worth it. It was as if the remedy was within easy reach, but you didn’t dare touching it because it was sacred. Though luckily this time, you decided to gather your strength and change things.

Chanhee got drawn away from his slumber as he felt a familiar hand touching him, your digits closing around his hand. He opened his eyes and turned to look at you, the shallow lights of the city illuminating the bedroom. Noticing your pearly eyes, he scooted closer to you and wrapped his arms around you, feeling you burst into tears against his shoulder.

“Shh baby. Breathe Y/N, breathe,” he said as his hand touched the back of your head, gently rubbing it to soothe you. “I- I can’t… I can’t do it anymore,” you managed to stutter as you gasped for air, your sobs being so intense that you could barely focus on anything else. “Don’t say things like that, I know you can,” he mumbled in your ear, but you shook your head. “I’m so tired… I’m so exhausted,” his hand gently massaged your head as he repositioned himself under you, your head now on his chest.

His calm heartbeat resonated in your ear, trying to shoo away the negative thoughts in your head. Chanhee didn’t say anything, he understood that he wouldn’t be able to convince you tonight. His chances will probably be higher by tomorrow when you’ll have calmed down from all your tormenting emotions.

“I know it won’t change anything about how you feel, but I love you and I care for you. There are harder times than others and you are going through one right now. it’s okay to feel bad, it’s okay to feel down, but the most important thing is to not give up. It’s completely normal to feel discouraged, but you have to keep going, for your own sake. And I’m here for you, no matter how lonely you felt, I’ll be by your side,” you nodded at his words, head still pressing against his chest as you tried to get his heartbeat to calm you down.

Chanhee softly rubbed your back and kissed the side of your head, knowing that you weren’t convinced at all. He cleared his throat and held you tighter, pulling the comforter higher to cover your shivering figure.

“Trust me, love, there will be better days, I promise. Those are not just words into the void, I mean them. You are going through a tough time right now, but I guarantee you that you will get better. It will take time and efforts and I know how tried you are but keep fighting. Look how far you’ve come, you always did a great job to stand back up and keep going, don’t let it ruin all the efforts you’ve gathered until now. Do it for yourself, and also for me, for us,” you looked up at him with shiny eyes and he nodded, assuring you that he meant every single word he said.

Your boyfriend wiped the salty pearls away from your eyes and gently smiled at you, hand cradling your cheek.

“Rest now, Y/N. I’ll be here when you wake,” he whispered, pressing a soft kiss on your forehead. “I love you,” you tiredly mumbled, feeling tired after all your crying. “I love you too, please never forget that,” his thumb gently rubbed the skin under your eye, instantly wiping the last few tears that you shed before falling asleep out of exhaustion, in your lover’s arms.

Chanhee sighed, tongue poking his inner cheek in frustration. He hated seeing you this down and broken, but he had faith in you. He knew that it was just temporary, that you wouldn’t give up even if you said you would. He was confident that you would jump back up on your feet and keep going, just like you’ve been doing until now. You were strong even if you never admitted it.

“I promise, there will be better days,” he whispered in your ear as he slowly slid down in the bed until his head rested on his pillow, keeping you close to his chest as he fell back asleep, just like you did a few seconds ago.

╰ It’s gonna be okay. You are going to be okay. ╮

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pigletxpoohbear · 3 years

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I saw you asking for requests and wondered if you could do headcanons for how the obey me boys would react to a Mc who goes nonverbal sometimes (especially when they aren't feeling well mentally)? If you don't wanna do all, I'd just really love to see Beel, Barbatos, Diavolo and Luke!

I hope you have an amazing day🌼

I’m going to start off by just saying when I get really depressed and my thoughts and headspace are worse than usual this is my main mechanism to cope. So, I’m going to write this based on my experiences and go from there if you want me to rewrite it please say so. I’m also going to try and keep the headcannons for this as gender-neutral.

Lucifer

Lucifer is very observant and even more so when it comes to you

When he read your file he understood you had anxiety and depression, based on that he believed he had a clue what it was going to be like with you here in the devildom

Unfortunately, he was slightly off (he was completely incorrect, but he won’t admit that.)

He realized not too long after a week or two here with you in devildom that when you have really bad anxiety you tend to keep it to yourself and when your thoughts are too much you tend to do the same

He also saw that you’d try to keep answers as short as possible when feeling like this

Luci asked you to come by his office during school so that none of his brothers would interrupt, he ended up telling you that if there’s anything that he can do such as pulling you out of classes some days and just helping you privately or putting a proper lock on your door at the HoL you can just tell him and it doesn’t have to be in person, but a call, a text, an email, or a letter just let him know

He’s the most understanding of the brothers surprisingly

Mammon

Mammon isn’t exactly observant, but does notice

He noticed some days your answers to questions were so short or so quiet that they were almost nonexistent

Mammon was concerned about what was wrong with his human, but didn’t know what to do besides just talk to you about it

One night when you left to your room to be alone and just sit down away from anyone he actually knocked on your door instead of barging in

When he came in he sat across from you on the floor, he asked what was wrong or if there’s something that he needs to fix

You told him that when everything becomes too much you don’t really like to talk and want to be in a more quiet place

He ended up making a door hanger that told him if it was okay for him to barge in or if today you just needed time alone (he looked like a tomato when giving it to you, he felt so embarrassed)

Anything that makes his human comfortable

Leviathan

Anxiety? Depression? Nonverbal? Levi understands this all too well, but because this is the case he’s like the last one to notice

He doesn’t really notice mainly because he’s often in his room or in his head

He ended up finding out about it because you only gave him yes and no as an answer the whole weekend and thought it was because you didn’t want to be around a nasty otaku and confronted you outside your bedroom

You had to explain that you just go basically silent when your depression and anxiety became too much to handle and said you were sorry

Now Levi felt bad after you shut the door

He went out and got some mangas, animes, and candies and left them outside (after making sure Beel wouldn’t eat them and Mammon wouldn’t take them) and left a letter and a text message apologizing and telling you that he does the same thing and he’s really sorry that he jumped the gun and if you ever want to hang out with him in silence in his room you’re more than welcome to whenever you want

Satan

Satan notices almost as fast as Lucifer

He didn’t really say anything to you about it, but when he would see signs that today isn’t a good day he usually would keep his pranks on Lucifer to himself and see if maybe you want to play with the cats or go to a nice quiet cafe he found not too long ago

On good days he also tries to reach out and just be with you just to be sure you’re okay

Honestly does a ten out of ten job when it comes to being around you on good and bad days (he doesn’t even realize he’s benefiting from it and that he's much calmer recently)

Asmodeus

Asmo is very touchy-feely and some days you don’t like being touchy-feely

Asmo only asked about it because you wouldn’t cuddle with him the last few days

When he realized he apologized and said that if it’s not a good day today then whenever it is please come by he really loves to spend time with you, but won’t force you to do something that you’re not comfortable with

You guys cuddle every now and again because it does help sometimes and either he’ll whisper sweet nothings to you or he’ll just stay quiet and rub your head or back

When you don’t cuddle he’ll bring you tea and a nice pillow or two from his room so that you can rest or just sit more comfortably

Beelzebub

(I think that Beel is an empath and that’s why Beel gets upset by others being upset) When Beel gets the first signs that today isn’t a good day he usually gives you some of his food or asks if you need anything

He doesn’t quite understand it, but he wants to make you happy even if it takes a few days for that to happen

You ask Beel for cuddles or to just sit with you consider it done and sometimes Belphie will be there (usual he is, he just happens to always be where Beel is)

And you guys just form a cuddle pile and nap either in your room, the twins’ room, or in the observatory

Belphegor

He literally is too busy being asleep to notice and I don’t think would ever find out

One moment he’s in one room the next he’s in yours cuddling with you and Beel

Doesn’t mind too much (mainly because quiet means he can sleep)

Only realizes if someone says something to him about it, but no one asks him cause they go to you first

Clueless sleepy boi

Diavolo

He noticed because he could barely hear you one day and thought you were sick and was about to send you home with Lucifer (who had a bunch of papers he needed to sign off on and would grow immensely if not taken care of)

You explained that it wasn’t necessary and that today was just a bad day

He asked if you wanted to go home and just finish your schoolwork or some makeup work at the HoL or in his office so that you can be in more quiet and accommodating space

Every now and again you’ll do school work in Diavolo’s office and have little sandwiches and tea with him and Lucifer

Barbatos

Literally knows before you got here (he can see the future lmao)

He packs little gift baskets and things like that for you full of your favorite things and has them delivered that day or those days

He has to be with Diavolo all the time, but surprisingly is able to help with these little things that he sends you

You end up exchanging gifts and gift baskets every now and again and when he did get a day off you ended up spending it together and going to ristorante six

Simeon

Doesn’t spend much time with you outside school, but he does notice a few things that he considered odd

He wondered why you were so meek some days, but quite vocal others

He also saw how you’d keep to yourself and stay away from people especially large groups and then other days you’d be around all of the brothers laughing

He asked Lucifer about it and he explained the situation (Lucifer trusts Simeon to an extent, but knows that Simeon only asks for your well being and no other reason)

After learning the situation he becomes less curious as to what the problem is and more curious on how to help you

When needing to get in groups in classes the brothers aren’t closer or aren’t in he’ll partner with you and make sure that you’re comfortable

Luke

Sweet boy doesn’t understand other than your sad

Makes you cakes, cupcakes, cookies, and all sorts of sweet treats

He also loves to make sure that you’re heard and stays really quiet so he can hear what you have to say

He doesn’t get it, but he does have the spirit

Soloman

Oh boy where do I begin with this one

Soloman notices, he notices everything

Is he good at this type of stuff though? No, no he is not

Wants you to try out potions and tell him the effects, but can’t hear you

Is that an effect or is that just you?

When not experimenting he’s better and tries to find things that make you happy

Do you want cuddles? Done. Do you want food? I’ll get something from Hell’s Kitchen. Do you want to go for a stroll? I know a really good lookout point where we can be alone.

Literally, just don’t go in the potions room and you’ll have something helpful

#obey me imagines #obey me headcanons #obey me mammon #obey me diavolo #obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me asmodeus #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me barbatos #obey me solomon #obey me luke #obey me simeon #obey me mammon x reader

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