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shihalyfie · 3 years

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The difference between the friend dynamics in the Adventure and 02 groups

This is a point I’ve reiterated in a lot of my 02-based metas, but there is a fairly distinct difference between the Adventure Chosen Children having a tight, deep bond and yet not quite being friends in “social life”, whereas the 02 group was a much tighter group on a social level. I always feel that I need to be really careful about saying this, because if I don’t word it carefully, it sounds like I’m trivializing the Adventure group’s bonds (plus, a lot of Adventure diehards will get very upset at you for suggesting this no matter how you put it), so I thought I should write something a bit more in-depth about it.

I think a lot of of this ultimately ties into what each series was about. The fact that Adventure was meant to be a series about “self-recognition of the individual” whereas 02 was about “relationships with others” has been pointed out by many a fan (and official staff too, while we’re at it), and it naturally lends to how the characters and the relationships between them will have a fundamental difference.

The idea that the Adventure group wouldn’t be the type to get together all that easily never really took that long after Adventure to set in. Of course, Our War Game! having this as a plot point also had a meta purpose (basically, limiting the number of people who could participate in the Diablomon battle), but it also has a very important point behind it: the Adventure kids’ social lives were never all that intertwined.

Again, this is something that sounds really awful to say without further qualification. What do you mean, the Adventure kids weren’t friends? Does that mean their entire adventure was for nothing? Did they go through all that only to forget about each other right after it?!

Well, no, that’s kind of exaggeration. I think to properly flesh out the nature of the issue, it’s important to define the differing ways you can be friends with someone. Imagine that you go on the best vacation in your life. You meet a handful of people there. You swap stories and get life-changing advice. You take commemorative photos after some really spectacular experiences. You swap numbers and social media contacts and then you go home. Are you going to keep in touch every so often with the people who gave you some very important advice, and maybe check on their important life events or organize a reunion sometime in the future? Very possibly! Does that mean everyone you met at that trip will now be regularly going out for lunch with you every week now?...Probably not, especially if you already have friends from school. That doesn’t mean you aren’t friends with the important people you met during that best life-changing vacation; it just means that they fill a very different niche in your life from the friends who don’t necessarily understand the life-changing vacation but have the free time to chat with you over lunch.

When the Adventure group found themselves pulled into the Digital World during summer camp, they had already come from very different social spheres. In short:

Taichi, Sora, and Koushirou were the only ones with a background of knowing each other beforehand, thanks to being in the soccer club;

Yamato went to the same school as the others but was a stranger to them, to the point people didn’t even realize Takeru was his brother at first;

Mimi had her own friend circle (see Adventure episode 29);

Jou was assigned as Mimi’s camp group leader but had no other prior relation to her, and Yamato didn’t even initially know his age;

Takeru wasn’t even supposed to be there since he didn’t go to their school and was only tagging along with Yamato;

Hikari was brought halfway into the adventure by virtue of being the eighth Chosen and Taichi’s sister.

Although six of the eight come from the same school, you can see that they’re basically “kids brought together by a certain circumstance” -- they’re not kids who would have normally come into each other’s purview had it not been for this. Which also means that as soon as their adventure ended and some years passed, the aspects of their real lives and social circles started kicking back in:

Taichi continued soccer;

Yamato formed a band (and presumably had a good relationship with his own bandmates);

Sora quit soccer for tennis;

Koushirou quit soccer for the computer club;

Mimi moved to the US;

Jou started attending a private school outside Odaiba;

Takeru and Hikari were never in their age group to begin with.

In the case of Taichi, Yamato, Sora, and Koushirou, it’s representative of how, although they originally had a shared interest in soccer, ultimately, they started to drift into their own specialties. Again, remember that Adventure was a series fundamentally about finding yourself and finding your own path, and all of these choices actually tie into their character arcs: Taichi is a straightforward person and a natural, charismatic leader, meaning soccer was good for him to begin with; Yamato learned to become more sociable and make friends at school; Sora started playing tennis as part of properly reconciling with her mother, and Koushirou decided to pursue a club relevant to his actual interests instead of one purely so that he could have minimal presence in it.

Mimi’s moving to the US is an interesting case because it’s likely because she’s often described (by both fans and official staff) as someone who is easily likeable and can get along with practically anyone. Considering that she’s constantly considerate of others and lacking in condescension or malice, it’s easy to see why; her infamous bouts of complaining were largely because she was under a lot of stress at the time of Adventure’s events (it’s even said that her cracking under pressure was meant to be representative of how an ordinary child her age would react to the situation), and otherwise she has no problems making friends -- hence why she was shown in Adventure episode 29 as already having friends in Taako and Mii-chan that she presumably hung out with prior to the events of the series. So in moving to the US, the point is made that Mimi could move to an entire other country and still hit it up with people there (and she does, given how she makes friends in Michael and the other American Chosen without issue). So thus, Mimi’s moving is also part of her own path -- becoming an effective “ambassador” between international Chosen as they start to pop up all over the globe.

As for Jou, his character arc has heavily to do with the fact that he’s always been on the “elite” academic track -- Japanese school entrance exams stretch back as far as high school, so the fight to get into medical school comes back as early as here, and since the events of Adventure helped Jou come to terms with why he wanted to be a doctor rather than just following his father’s wishes, it’s understandable that he would now be putting everything into that goal -- even if it means going to a different school outside Odaiba and committing himself to the prep school life. And, generally speaking, the other kids respect that too, given that the only time they tried to pull him from it was a time they were literally suffocating on the spot and needed Ikkakumon’s specific backup badly (02 episode 16).

And finally, Takeru and Hikari? The fact that they’re that much younger than the others in this group really is a big deal. When they’re on something “purpose-based” like an adventure, of course the others will have no problem keeping them around, and of course they’ll be happy to participate with these older kids. But if we’re talking about mundane, ordinary life -- there’s not a lot of evidence to suggest they really would prefer the company of kids so much older than them for conversations over lunch. This is especially because it’s hard to imagine they didn’t have other friends at school, too.

Not that they mind being around all these older kids when the time calls for it, but as far as socialization goes, they have their own lives to live. And that’s fine; again, Adventure was a narrative about kids coming to terms with themselves and what they wanted, and it’s not their fault for prioritizing those paths and forming their own social circles rather than insisting on being a specific eight-person group (no matter how much the fanbase wants to have the romantic image of them sticking together all the time no matter what).

Plus, it’s not like they all completely drifted apart and cut each other off!

Just because they’re not “daily life friends” doesn’t mean they’re not still important to each other. 02 episode 38 has Taichi, Sora, Jou, and Koushirou show up for Yamato’s concert -- it’s unlikely they were attending every single one of his concerts, but this was a very important one that was going to be broadcast on TV, so it’s only natural that even Jou (who, again, doesn’t go to school in Odaiba anymore) would still come to support him.

In fact, the fact they can come together when a situation like this happens even without necessarily meeting up every single day of their lives is probably a testament to how strong that bond is in itself. They don’t need to hang out once a day or week to maintain their friendship, and having other friends they’d rather hang out with throughout the day or invite to events doesn’t necessarily mean the other Adventure kids are less worthy friends to them. That experience in August 1999 was so impactful on all of them that they will never forget it, so even if they spent quite a long amount of time not interacting with each other, when a circumstance that necessitates them coming together does bring them together, they can hit it off like nothing happened. Think about how you might have an important friend that you may not chat with on a daily basis, but you talk to them once in a while and hit it off like you never had a break in the conversation. But because that strong bond is based on that one very specific experience that happened in one specific summer, it’s only natural that the majority of meetups over this are going to be based on something to do with that experience, like Digimon incidents; for ordinary things like “band concerts” or “club activities”, it’ll naturally be easier to stick around friends who have more similar social interests, like fellow band or club members.

On the other hand, this is very much not the case for the 02 group.

To understand why the 02 group has a fundamentally different dynamic, we need to dial back to a little before the actual “adventure” part of 02 started.

Right off the bat, we see:

Takeru moves to Odaiba from Sangenjaya, and specifically to the same building Miyako and Iori live in, meaning he’ll be walking to school with them every day;

02 episode 7 indicates that the Motomiya and Yagami families live in the same apartment complex, meaning Daisuke and Hikari are also likely to walk to school together;

Miyako and Iori are established as having already long hit it off with each other as neighbors;

Daisuke, Hikari, and Takeru end up in the same class (with Daisuke and Hikari having known each other already).

In other words: Even before anything to do with Digimon had been introduced (or re-introduced, technically) into their lives, the kids were already being thrown into each other’s social circles. You could technically argue that Daisuke wouldn’t have necessarily met Miyako and Iori if not for the Digimon incident coming into his life later in the episode, but Takeru being neighbors with them basically fills in all of the gaps here -- unlike with the Adventure kids where the adventure in August 1999 threw them together when they likely wouldn’t have been in the same social circle otherwise, the 02 kids are the social circle even independently of the Digimon incidents. In fact, due to being functionally neighbors, there are a lot of ways these kids’ social lives intersect, with Daisuke and Miyako being Taichi and Koushirou’s juniors, Miyako working for Yamato’s band, Yamato being classmates with Miyako’s sister Chizuru, and Jun and Miyako’s other sister Momoe being classmates.

Since, again, 02 was a series fundamentally structured on examining relationships, you can basically view Adventure being a series about “bringing some people together as they find self-assertion even when they’re from different social circles” while 02 follows that up with “so if they were in the same social circle, how would they deal with that?” -- especially since 02 makes it clear that certain kinds of emotional baggage associated with that can actually make it much more complicated.

A lot of 02′s first half is dedicated to the 02 kids doing completely mundane things that have very little relevance to the Digital World conflict -- watching TV in the computer room (remember: this was before they realized the “genius boy” being covered on the news was actually relevant to this), or having a picnic in the Digital World. Mimi even explicitly points out that this kind of thing wouldn’t have happened with the Adventure kids, but it’s not just because of the fact that Adventure involved a lot of running for their lives! It’s easy to dismiss a lot of what happens in these early episodes as “filler”, but a lot of this is dedicated to depicting how the 02 kids were constantly spending time with each other for reasons completely separated from Digimon incidents. This even includes completely ordinary things like soccer games -- Takeru, Hikari, Miyako, and Iori come to support Daisuke with an obvious motive of seeing him do well, so it’s apparent that they’ve come to enjoy hanging out with him beyond just obligation.

Part of this is because of the different nature of the Digimon conflict that they experienced. The Adventure kids had an experience that really was, functionally, “one” experience -- an extremely formative and important one, but one condensed one that they all experienced together. The nature of what the 02 territory war and conflict was, on the other hand, meant that what the conflict “was” to the 02 kids was of a completely different nature. This wasn’t summer vacation; this involved going back and forth between the fight and real life, to the point where Digimon fighting became integrated into “daily life” -- so of course you’d probably hope that the people you’re fighting with are also people you like to bond with on a social level. “Digimon life” and “social life” became synonymous to them.

And when it all comes down to it, it’s hard to pinpoint a “single experience” that the events of 02 embodied, or at least in the same way August 1999′s adventure was. As much as they were running for their lives, the Adventure kids have the luxury of looking at the events of their series as a formative singular time for them, one that they could even look at nostalgically, but for the 02 kids, it’s hard to condense everything into one singular experience (it’s easy for the audience to see it as one series, but for the kids themselves, it’s a very long chain of vaguely connected events). Actually, most of the year involved fighting with someone who ended up becoming their important friend and the other involved helping him deal with his trauma, so it’s not like everyone would be likely to have the most romantic image of this experience itself to “bond” over as much as they care more about the take-home they got out of it: each other.

One thing that 02 doesn’t really spotlight front and center with its starter cast of characters is that, unlike the Adventure kids, who either came with their own social circles prior to Adventure or eventually developed their own in the course of their lives, it’s heavily implied that the 02 kids actually had difficulty making other friends even on a social level, or at least were likely to be in a situation where the other 02 kids really were better company than their other options even for mundane situations. This is especially in the case of the newly introduced characters, who are, effectively, a bit socially “displaced” from others and likely to have struggles fitting in.

There are quite a few signs that Daisuke had serious difficulty making friends prior to the events of the series (with Hikari being the closest thing he had to one), and the fact that the 12-year-old Miyako is portrayed as constantly hanging out with the 9-year-old Iori, brought together by being neighbors, rather than people closer to their own ages stands out. Iori is particularly interesting in that, unlike with Takeru and Hikari, who were portrayed as kids likely to socialize better with those their own age, Iori’s unusual maturity for his age heavily implies that he would actually be out of place with his classroom peers (a very common phenomenon for some people in real life, too!). 02 episode 3 depicting him left alone in the classroom with only a teacher to watch him while his stubborn fixation on principles leaves him slow to finish his lunch says a lot -- his own behavior is liable to isolate him from others, and it’s thus not all that surprising he ended up bonding with some kids who are older than him and more accepting (and even treat him with proper respect, too).

Takeru and Hikari, too. There’s been a lot of arguments over whether the two of them would theoretically be closer to the Adventure kids or the 02 kids, but I would honestly say it’s technically both at once -- they have the same “not socially close, but intuitively understanding” relationship that the Adventure kids all have with each other, but hold the other 02 kids as part of their social circle and hang out with them in “daily life”. So in other words, they have the Adventure kids’ relationship with the other Adventure kids, and the 02 kids’ relationship with the 02 kids. This is presumably why Takeru and Hikari end up hitting it off so well at the start of 02 even though they didn’t interact all that intimately in Adventure; not only do they have that shared experience they intuitively understand, they also were able to start hanging out in day-to-day life and actually, well, socialize.

This applies to them in relation to the rest of the group as well. While neither of them were necessarily portrayed as having social problems, one common thread between the two is that they’re both very emotionally closed-in. Takeru’s response to negativity is to cover it up with smiles, until he can’t hide it anymore and bursts (which scares the hell out of Iori in 02 episode 19 and ultimately forms the basis of their Jogress arc), whereas Hikari has issues vocalizing whenever she’s hurt or in pain (said by herself in 02 episode 31, but with precedent from Adventure episode 48). That means that, even with potential social circles at school, it’s unlikely they necessarily would have had someone they could emotionally bond with deeply off the bat (especially since Takeru had just moved from Sangenjaya), and it’s likely why they kept gravitating towards each other (despite never truly talking about anything in-depth for most of the series) up until the Jogress arc.

In other words, while the Adventure kids’ adventure of self-actualization meant that their relationships to each other were mainly formed on simply understanding that they had a similar experience and empathizing, the 02 kids -- full of a group of somewhat socially maladjusted and out of place kids, plus two who had been on the prior adventure but were young enough to now still be carrying some deep-seated, unresolved emotional baggage -- were in a position where they arguably needed each others’ help to grow.

Jogress isn’t just an obligatory evolution gimmick; it’s something very important to 02 as a series and understanding what it wants to say about relationships. I think one thing that makes me very sad is how often its constant pigeonholing as a gimmick makes me hear people saying that Daisuke and Ken was the only plot-relevant one and the rest were forced “spares”, saying that something like Takeru-Hikari and Miyako-Iori would make more sense. But when the point of the series is about building your relationships from scratch and learning to grow together, I really don’t feel that a story about relationships that naturally existed already would have helped it nearly as much. It’s not like Daisuke and Ken was that likely of a friendship, either!

This is especially in the case of Takeru and Hikari, who certainly were vibing pretty well with each other, but were still very emotionally closed-in with a lot of emotional baggage until the more to-the-point Miyako and Iori were able to break through their shells. (02 episode 13 is so often considered a “Takeru and Hikari bonding” episode, but while it does do a lot to show off the depth of their relationship that hadn’t been depicted much besides them just hanging out all the time, it also does not solve Hikari’s core problem in nearly the same way Miyako gets to the bottom of it in episode 31.) This is also why Takeru and Hikari have such a different relationship with the 02 kids compared to theirs with the Adventure kids; while they were largely tagging along with the older kids and learning a bit about inner strength back during their summer adventure, the 02 group is the one who not only provided them with friendship on a more equal peer level, but also poked deeply into their emotional issues that they very much needed others to help them out of. These are friends who finally get them.

That Ken ultimately becomes yet another addition to this group of kids in need of friends finding support in each other should go without saying -- after all, it’s made abundantly clear he was very lonely and friendless until Daisuke and the others reached out to him -- but it ultimately culminates in them choosing to integrate this lonely boy from Tamachi into their social life. (Remember: Ken is the only of the six 02 kids to live in Tamachi and not Odaiba, but the last quarter of the series has them going out of their way to meet up.) The episode that establishes that everyone has truly made their peace with Ken and wants to unequivocally support him (with the most originally stubborn against it, Iori, graciously accepting him) is sealed off with a Christmas party. A completely ordinary Christmas party that has nothing to do with the Digimon incidents at hand, where they can play meaningless card games and celebrate the little things like Ken laughing, because it’s not just forgiving him or learning to work with him, but actively enjoying his presence and supporting him.

The Digimon Animation Chronicle profile for Ken in Diablomon Strikes Back refers to him as Daisuke’s “best friend” (親友). Usually, the word for “friends” within Adventure and 02 would be nakama (仲間); you may have heard this word from One Piece fans, but this is a word that roughly means “one of us” and has a stronger emphasis on being in a certain group, or being like-minded. Thus, “you’re a Chosen Child like us,” or, more pertinently, “you have the same goal as us and we’re in this together” (after all, it’s not like being a Chosen Child was ever an exclusive club or anything).

But in the case of Daisuke and Ken’s relationship, it’s not just about having happened to gain a deep bond over the course of 02, it’s that Daisuke now really does have a sense of emotional closeness to Ken that the two are considered best friends by default -- in any situation, despite him living all the way in Tamachi. Even though the franchise loves to put them in the category that “protagonists and rivals” usually get, where most others are ones who tend to have friction but understand each other in the end, Daisuke and Ken are unique in that they’re not like that at all. They have a very straightforward sense of emotionally confiding in each other, at worst maybe lightly bantering a bit, but they are friends before anything else, and that extends to the rest of the 02 group as well.

The aftermath

On its face, it sounds like the 02 kids are getting a pretty luxurious deal -- they got a fun adventure of emotional growth out of it, and they’re tight friends with each other at that! Well, that probably sounds great, but there’s a flip side to all of this.

Firstly, as I mentioned earlier, the Adventure kids’ adventure in 1999 was a lot more “romantic” than the 02 kids’ eight-month-long ordeal. Sure, a lot of it definitely was stressful, what with the running for their lives and the scary villains and the emotional conflict, but there was also the part about getting to meet Gennai and the other friendly Digimon around and getting to explore villages. They were on summer break, so they didn’t even really have to worry about school (especially once they realized time dilation was a thing); it’s basically the epitome of the romantic coming-of-age story. (Fun fact: Stand By Me is really culturally influential in Japan.)

02, on the other hand, was an eight-month-long ordeal of having to fight a territory war crammed into the after-hours of school, juggling fighting this war with keeping it from parents, in a fight that would retroactively turn out to be against what would later become a heavily traumatized and beloved friend, plus eventually watching him get subject to even worse trauma. Oh, and the series also ended on witnessing a bunch of deaths (or in other words, the worst New Year’s Eve ever). While it seemed like the kids had the luxury of enjoying the Digital World in ways the Adventure kids couldn’t at first, actually, they didn’t get to enjoy as much of it at all, since they never got to form any lasting relationships with anyone like Gennai or Elecmon. These kids were basically too busy trying to keep each others’ heads on straight to really be able to focus on that.

The comparative mess that the 02 kids went through, and the messes that they kind of are, means that they’re rather dependent on each other for emotional support. This is not inherently a bad thing, mind you; the fact that some people are more independent than others is a simple fact of life, and the 02 kids (whether it’s from naturally being a bit misfit or from the degree of their experiences) being the type who grow together with mutual support isn’t inherently anything bad. It does, however, mean that they’re likely to have some difficulties ahead coming out of 02 as “growing up” conspires to make it more and more difficult for them to stick together -- after all, how many people have actually been able to stick with their elementary school friends all the way into adulthood? This is especially because Japanese high schools admit students by examination, and rank by academic ability; it’s not particularly common for those from the same elementary/middle school to attend the same high school, even if they live close to each other, and it’s very unlikely that all of them will be sticking together in school by that point.

So, how did they fare?

Well, before we get into anything else, we should probably bring up one thing that seems like such a tiny little detail but is actually very important for this: Technology didn’t stagnate at 02′s D-Terminals, and by the time of Kizuna in 2010, smartphones and group chats existed! (Earlier than they did in real life, at that.) This is actually really important because of how much it does for that question of “how to keep in contact when circumstances like school keep you apart” -- especially when the Adventure group would certainly appreciate the method to keep in touch despite their lives largely getting increasingly separate. That, and even more so if other similar technological things like social media existed; there’s a lot of ways to keep in touch despite physical and circumstantial distance.

Of course, they’d been keeping in touch via email since 02, but a group chat is much lower pressure and actively encourages everyone to keep in touch; think about how useful group chats have been for connecting with your own longtime friends. It’s ambiguous whether the 02 group was privy to this particular chat from To Sora given that they were clearly on call for incidents like the Parrotmon one, but it’s also entirely possible that this is a room for The Ones Who Went on That One Adventure in August 1999, especially since they use the Crests as their icons, and the 02 group has their own (let’s be real, they totally would; think about how many Discord servers with overlapping people you might be in right now). This, combined with the fact that the Adventure and 02 groups seem to have formed a sort of recon squad for the increasing number of Digimon incidents in Tokyo, means that there are actually a lot more opportunities to stay involved with each other than ever before!

As it seems, the Adventure group does seem to be rather emotionally close to the point that Taichi is willing to reach out to Yamato simply to dump his emotional troubles about his future career prospects on him (despite them going to very different universities at this point). Yet, at the same time, there’s still a palpable sense of distance going on here, and a depiction of Taichi and Yamato having developed separate social lives and their own friend circles -- Taichi with Morikawa and Nemoto, and Yamato with Abe (their names come from the novel), who are also acquainted with each other enough to talk about career and worry about each other.

When Taichi and Yamato talk over beer, they don’t even have updates on the same people (Yamato has to update Taichi on Sora and Takeru’s status), and ultimately, Yamato comments on their drifting -- saying that it’s a potentially inevitable part of choosing one’s path. It’s not hard to see why he says this; it’s been a recurring theme for them since after the events of Adventure. Sora and Mimi haven’t been around for Digimon incidents lately because of their careers, and it’s highly likely Jou hasn’t either; Koushirou keeps in touch, but our only depictions have been in the range of business and Digimon incidents.

But for the 02 group? Absolutely not.

The Kizuna drama CD has a lot about what the 02 group was doing (and planning to do) during their little “vacation” in New York. In fact, there’s a lot to go on about here:

Daisuke and Takeru show up together even though Iori was allegedly said to be “first” approached, meaning the two of them were basically hanging out anyway.

Daisuke insists on going on a trip that’s about his own personal career with friends -- and not just any friends, but specifically the group of himself, Ken, Miyako, Iori, Takeru, and Hikari. He also wanted his seniors along, but they were too busy -- but it’s pointed out that the other 02 group members aren’t exactly full of free time either, meaning that these five have a special place of importance to Daisuke in his ramen career trip.

Even the Digimon are aware of what the other humans (the ones that aren’t even their partners!) have been up to lately.

Miyako and Hawkmon say that it’s only natural for them to show up when the group is getting together -- i.e. being with this specific company is a fact of life to her, to the point she invents D-3 gate exploitation to be with them.

The group keeps saying “it’s been a while” for periods of time in which it is made pretty obvious it’s actually not a lot of time at all. (Miyako had just left for Spain to the point her coming back elicits an “already?!” kind of reaction, yet that constitutes “a while”, and the most likely very short time between the trip planning and the movie is also apparently “a while”, and it’s very likely that Takeru’s “a while” in greeting Iori may well have not been that long, either.) It really makes you think about how often the people in this group must be meeting up to think that this constitutes “a while”...

Hikari is ready to fight people for denying her the chance to play with Miyako.

Beyond that, they’ve all apparently been regular enough presences in Daisuke’s life for completely offhand comments and actions to have major impacts on his career thoughts.

In the movie itself, Miyako refuses to take on the exact same request that she ultimately gladly participates in with the rest of the 02 group in New York -- presumably, because the fact her friends are there makes it all better.

As it turns out, despite everything -- despite everyone going in completely different directions with their careers, attending different schools (Iori’s still in high school while everyone else is in university!), the 02 group has been maintaining this attitude of going out of their way to hang out with each other, in a sort of “we do it together, or we don’t do it at all” sense. Of course, that’s not to say they’ve all stayed so socially maladjusted that they’ve become completely incapable of making any other friends at all, but there is a very clear, strong preference of them wanting to be in each other’s specific company to the point that they would do ridiculous things to make it work.

So, you might be asking: what’s the trade-off?

Yamato attributes the alienation between the Adventure group to “choosing one’s own path”. Inherently, this is not quite right (nor is the sentiment that “choices are bad” in general), especially considering that Daisuke, Iori, and Hikari already made their choices in path a long time ago, yet are still behaving like this. The question is actually more of priorities; notice that while the older Adventure characters are mainly portrayed in Kizuna as aggressively pursuing career prospects, the 02 characters, despite having their current educational statuses listed in their profiles, simply seem to have this as not an object.

Iori’s still in school uniform; he’s arguably cramming this all between school club obligations. Ken, Miyako, Takeru, and Hikari don’t have their current educational status involved at all, and even though Daisuke’s ramen trip is technically for his future career, he’s also happy to just “play around” about sightseeing (and, again, there’s also no reason he needed to bring his friends for this). Takeru’s working on his novel, but he hasn’t actually decided it’ll be his career yet. It’s not about whether they’ve made choices or not; it’s about the fact they’re going about this remarkably casually to the point where maintaining their relationship with their friends is more important than career. And this extends to the 02 epilogue as well; compared to their seniors’ more prominent history-making careers, the 02 group’s is more low-scale and community-oriented (the only exception being Sora, but even that ties into individual ambition more than anything else, considering that not succeeding her mother is already a pretty big deal in itself).

The take-home

Adventure and 02 are both very well-known for showcasing people with different personalities and goals in life, and celebrating their differences. I think, personally, the difference between the Adventure and 02 groups’ dynamics is also something that reflects on the different ways to live one’s life as well. This is especially something that most of us can probably understand well now that we’re adults looking back at this, especially in light of Kizuna.

There are some of us who really want to do large-scale things in this world, and will need that understanding of the self to get there but may struggle with maintaining consistent friendships on that turbulent path, and have to adapt by managing the different levels of their relationships and learning to get along with different people in different ways. There are some of us who gain happiness more from mutual support with the people around us even if it means not ostensibly achieving as “great” things, and feel most comfortable with a single consistent set of friends. Some of us are in between, or feel elements of both as we try to experiment with things in life (actually, I’m pretty sure that’s probably most of us to some degree).

Think about your own life and future prospects right now, and then think about the friends you may be in touch with, or haven’t been in touch with for a while, or the ones you talk to for different purposes or fulfill different niches in your life. We’re all trying to straddle this balance; there’s no one right way to live.

#digimon #digimon adventure #digimon adventure 02 #digimon adventure last evolution kizuna #kizuna spoilers

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femme-malewife · 3 years

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Breaking Down Sia’s Movie

Okay, so I watched Sia’s movie “Music”. And I bear witnessed how awful it truly is. So before I get into this, here’s some warnings:

1. This is going to be a long post

2. There will be mentions of restraint scenes and how they’re handled as well as images. View at your own discretion.

3. There are Spoilers so if for some godforsaken reason you WANT to see this movie...don’t click “keep reading”

Okay, so before I get into the actual contents of the movie let me say the characters all suck. Not a single character was likable and the plot was barely coherent. The main character, Kazu (or just “Zu”) is a recovering alcoholic and she’s just,,, all around not a good person. She’s very irresponsible.

Ebo, her love interest, is also shitty. Not only is his character based on racism to make the white girl look heroic and brave, but he doesn’t actually know how to take care of Music, the autistic girl.

There was also this weird subplot with this fat Asian guy but we’ll get to that later.

And another thing to address there’s like about roughly 10 music videos sprinkled in throughout the movie??? And almost all except ONE of them were extremely bright and colorful and each time I had to keep looking away. Not only that but ALL of the transitions from “reality to music” was always very sudden and has sent me into sensory overload.

And one last thing before we dive into this- Music stims a lot. And yet in her music videos in her mind, she’s not stimming...like, at all. Considering Sia researched with AutismSpeaks, I’m sure she has the idea that stimming is a bad thing.

So the movie begins with Blackface and immediately we jump into extreme bright lights and music. Music wakes up, and we get a feel of her daily routine. Get up, eat eggs, have her hair braided, go on a walk, come home, watch tv, go to bed. (Or at least that’s the generalization of it) And I DO mention this schedule because it’s important later.

As we already know, Music (who is played by Maddie Ziegler, a neurotypical actress) has very exaggerated movements. She has this very weird way of walking and constantly looks like she’s doped up on medications and is high off her ass.

Everyone around her treats her like a toddler, being overly friendly and being all around accepting and caring of her.

Now I bring this up because that in itself is already problematic. It makes neurotypical people think “oh it must be great being autistic people will buy you things, give you free stuff and you’re so unaware!” when this is the furthest thing from reality. If people saw someone like Music out and about, they would be giving her dirty looks, they wouldn’t buy her free things, they’d move away from her.

Autistic people are not that accepted into society. You’re more likely to get cussed out than helped.

So Music returns home, and finds her grandmother, her previous caretaker, dead on the ground. She has no reaction, just smiling and giggling away and sits down.

One thing I noticed about Music is that she’s literally always stimming. Like, LITERALLY always. There is not a single moment on screen where she’s NOT stimming. And that’s not to say it’s bad but it feels way too forced and honestly? It felt and looked more like a mockery of autistic people who need to stim often.

So George, a man next door, came over to help fix something in the apartment. And it was only After he came in that Music got worried about her grandma. Or at least she was lowkey panicking. This is when Zu comes into the movie and gets a call and has to now come take care of Music.

Also apparently the fat Asian neighbor would??? Flash a flashlight in her room while she’s in bed and move it around as if she was some sort of cat??? I’m pretty sure that scene was just an excuse to launch into the second music video of the movie.

So Music wakes up and echoes “Make you eggs” to Zu, who makes her eggs. Remember the routine I mentioned? How Music gets her hair braided as she’s eating? Well, as Zu’s going back to bed, Music starts echoing “Braid your hair”. Zu doesn’t know how.

So Sia incorporated a meltdown scene of Music being stressed of the routine is being broken. Music starts hitting her head and thrashing around screaming “braid your hair” repeatedly. Zu not knowing what to do tries to pin her against the wall and was literally screaming at her to calm down.

And this is where we met Ebo, Zu’s love interest. He noticed Music having a meltdown and...well...

Zu questions if he’s hurting Music and...

And after that, everything is suddenly all perfectly fine because Music understands that Ebo doesn’t want her hurt and she needs to calm down. And it’s also wonderfully okay because he can braid her hair. She goes back to breakfast as if nothing happened.

Obviously this is extremely problematic. Restraining autistics during a meltdown is a very sure way to kill them. If a neurotypical is reading this and is doubtful, here is one instance of an autistic boy being restrained and killed.

After that, Zu and Ebo follow Music on her walk to get to know her route. After returning, Zu makes a comment about how she’s thinking about sending Music to a “people pound” and then adds “oh but I guess I can keep her”??? Honestly if you took this scene out of context I’d be wondering if they were actually talking about a fucking animal.

Zu later finds some of her old toys and talks to Music about them and mentions how someone “has seizures just like Music”.

Um...when did Music have seizures? This was NEVER brought up prior to this and it will never be mentioned throughout the movie. A meltdown! Is not! A seizure!!

The movie follows Zu around being irresponsible, borrowing money, and so forth.

And then we get to the park scene. Hey remember the first meltdown scene? Music had a meltdown about her routine being broken? Yeah that doesn’t happen. Zu flat out says that the change of route is good for her and Music just happily goes along with it with that dopey ass expression on her face.

Ebo explains that Music wears her headphones “because her hearing is so sensitive she can hear whispering from two rooms away”. First of all, we autistic people are NOT superhuman.

After he says that he says “she can understand everything we are saying” and yet they literally have to repeat themselves several times to get her to understand. They don’t treat her like she understands them. They treat her like a two year old who doesn’t know any better. That was literally the vibe I got throughout the entire movie, especially at some later scenes.

So Music sees some kids running around and that sends her into a meltdown. And Zu wants Ebo to restrain her like he did at the apartment and...um.

Ooooooookayyyyyy. Yeah, that’s your problem??? Okay make the tall white girl be a “hero” then.

Oh yeah just like that!

Also what the fuck is Music’s expression here??? This is a normal look for her throughout the movie and she’s having a Meltdown.

Oh and after Music “calms down” from the meltdown??? She’s back to being 100% PERFECTLY HAPPY.

AGAIN, NEUROTYPICALS, DO NOT THINK THIS IS OKAY!!!!! NONE OF US ARE LIKE THAT!!! IF YOU RESTRAIN AN AUTISTIC YOU WILL MAKE THEM PANIC MORE AND POSSIBLY KILL THEM!!!

So, we keep going on with the movie, following Zu continuing to be irresponsible and frustratingly impossible to care about.

And at one point, she has to bring Music with her to this place where she “works”. And on the way there she tells Music to “not do one of her freakouts and just get it out now”.

Um...so sorry that a meltdown is causing YOU trouble??? A MELTDOWN IS NOT A FUCKING TANTRUM!!!!!!!!!

Later, when walking, Music wanted a snowcone, so Zu got her one. While she was getting her one, Music, QUITE LITERALLY OUT OF NOWHERE, lays on the ground under the bench and starts to eat gum from it.

...Um. What??? Why??? To show us how “hard” it is being with an autistic girl??? Literally what was the point of this scene???

So, afterwards, Music gets stung by a bee, which she’s allergic to. Zu restrained her while she was screaming, though it was brief, it was still uncomfortable. She gets brought to the hospital and she’s gonna be okay because she had an EpiPen with her.

But the doctors say that Zu’s occupation is empty for the insurance.

And here’s where I got from pissed and annoyed to downright uncomfortable.

Zu realizes her bag is missing and for several minutes, she literally starts screaming in pure anger and frustration, at home she’s searching, throwing things, kicking things, screaming some more...

Like WHY isn’t ZU being restrained??? Why is it acceptable for her to do that but it’s bad for Music to have a meltdown??? Honestly when Zu started screaming and throwing things, I actually flinched.

Oh also during these scenes the fat Asian kid was taking Ebo’s boxing class and hugged his opponent during a match and I guess at his apartment his parents argued about that (they didn’t include subtitles on that bit as they were speaking another language....nice. Note the sarcasm.)

and the dad literally attacks his wife and throws his son aside...and the fat Asian kid dies.

So like...what was the point of the kid dude??? No, seriously, what was the point? To buy Music a watermelon pop at the start of the movie??? We didn’t get ANY information about him or ANYTHING. And he just up and dies. Like if you take all his scenes out of the movie, nothing would change.

While the kid’s dying, Zu’s so stressed that she gets drunk and tries to talk to Ebo, but she gets loud and emotional and a neighbor comes out and Zu drunkenly attacks him.

Oh, so even if Zu is drunk and attacking people, pushing them, etc, SHE doesn’t get restrained. She just gets told stop. Okay. Sure.

Zu goes to a bar, returns home after another annoying music number, and makes Music her breakfast before she goes on her walk.

Ebo visits, and he practically says “aight I’mma focus on my own health I’m out”.

Zu starts becoming actually clean after that, she and Music staying with George.

There was pretty much just a dumb montage of her life after that??? One bit was Music having ANOTHER meltdown (for unexplained reasons) and Zu grabbing her yelling to calm down.

After some time Zu decides to drop Music off at a mental health facility, and when they were there, Music suddenly starts saying “don’t go sis” and “sit down now”.

Hold up.

So this movie is telling me that Music is nonverbal, but she can say some phrases, and also she understands what’s going on and YET NO ONE IN THIS ENTIRE MOVIE HAS TREATED HER LIKE SHE’S A HUMAN BEING WHO KNOWS WHAT’S GOING ON...suddenly, out of nowhere, she knows what’s going on. She suddenly knows she’s about to be left alone and suddenly she can talk more than repeated phrases.

I...I don’t think that’s how that works there, chief!

Zu changes her mind and she and Music go to the wedding that Ebo is at. Ebo is a guest at his brother and ex-wife’s wedding. (Which he mentioned earlier in the film and said he’ll tell Zu the rest of his story later which he never does btw)

and while he’s on stage finishing his speech, which is about how he doesn’t know what love is, Zu and Music come running in and Zu goes up on stage and basically tells him she’s now clean and she’s learning to love. And suddenly Ebo’s in love with Zu and introduces her to his entire family at the wedding, share a kiss and then everyone started clapping.

...No, I’m not kidding. Everyone was applauding them. At his brother’s wedding.

They start to play a song, but then Music starts kinda quietly kinda brokenly singing, it was hard to hear but yeah.

And then it cuts to another bright music video and the movie THANKFULLY ENDS.

GOD. That was so frustrating to watch.

I hated the characters, I hated the plot, I hated how Sia chose to “represent” autistic people, it was all a one, big, irritating MESS.

And in the end, do we learn ANYTHING about autism??? NO.

In fact, if I was a neurotypical with NO knowledge of autism, I would assume autism makes you some stupid 2 year old that you need to restrain when they’re stressed.

I wish I was kidding.

Just because some autistics are incapable of fully taking care of themselves doesn’t mean they’re just “teehee brain empty everyone around me is in a super bright music video!” like what the fuck???

This movie was problemtic, offensive, and WHY is it titled “MUSIC” when literally Zu is the protagonist??? Zu is the protagonist, her main story is about her and Ebo falling in love, and her subplot was...taking care of Music.

And then the mini subplots of the movie too. I genuinely don’t understand the point of the Asian kid. And Once, Ebo mentioned needing medication but they never bring THAT up again either.

Even if you erased Music’s character entirely in this movie and it wasn’t about a recovering alcoholic taking care of her autistic sister, the movie would be trash, poorly made, poorly executed, poorly directed.

And, the site I used did NOT add any warnings about restraint NOR did it say “hey don’t restrain autistics in a meltdown” or anything. And considering this movie had 4 RESTRAINT SCENES (2 of them being fleshed out and the others being quicker)...that’s pretty bad.

All around, this movie was awful.

-50/10, I would sooner watch 2019′s Cats.

#actually autistic #neurodivergent #sia music #anti sia #sia movie #a full breakdown of the movie #autistic meltdown #mentions of restraint #images of restraint

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beelspillowpet · 3 years

Text

The Brothers with Depression

Oh man this is gonna be hard to write but here we go...!

CONTENT WARNING!!!

Lucifer

He probably is actually just depressed. He was pretty good at hiding the effects of the Gold Hellfire Newt Syrup for long enough anyways.

Just like with the Syrup, Lucifer eventually caves. He locks himself in his study (or room) and warns his brothers that there will be serious consequences for disturbing him.

He turns up the music in whichever room and just loses himself in his emotions. Not only is it difficult to keep the secret of Lilith from his brothers, but to bare the responsibility after the war, along with all the work Lord Diavolo shovels on to him, ON TOP of having to deal with the nonsense that happens on a daily?

Lucifer is depressed, and he’s a very tired and sad man. However, due to his pride, thankfully he is far from doing anything drastic. Everyone needs a good cry from time to time, and that’s just how Lucifer is.

Mammon

Depressed? Mammon? You betcha!

I mean, if you listen to your brothers constantly drag your name through the mud for centuries, you’re bound to have it get to you eventually too. Even Satan looks down on him, and he’s supposed to be stronger than him!

He doesn’t like to show how much it truly bothers him, so when he gets in those moods he either goes out, or locks himself in his room. Sometimes he thinks that he should have died instead of Lilith, but those thoughts are gone as quickly as they come.

Being the second oldest is rough, but no one else could fit that role better than The GREAT Mammon! He’ll bounce back quickly and dish out the insults as they come. He recognizes he’s something like a punching bag for his family, and it’s better they do that than actively be depressed.

Leviathan

Depressed ™

Not just about the Lilith situation, but he’s always been lonely. Even when he’s around people he loves and who love him back. He was envious of how much love Lilith got, even going so far as to say they all loved her more than him. He never says this though.

Leviathan’s depression probably comes from knowing that how he feels and what he wants out of love and life itself can be unrealistic. Life is unfair and cruel for a socially awkward shut-in Otaku, and the odds of him finding that happiness decrease by the day.

However, nothing makes him feel better like his brothers spending time doing things he likes. Mammon stopping by to play video games, the brothers all sitting together playing TSL Monopoly (even though Mammon always wins, ugh. The greedy bastard.) are some of his fondest memories in recent times.

Satan

He personally wouldn’t describe it as “depression” but more like Hills and Valleys. In secret though, he is sort of depressed.

He can’t compare to the history of most of his brothers. They fought in a war, and lost someone beloved. He thinks it’s poetic in a way that he was created. Perhaps he’s the replacement for Lilith?

That thought is dashed quickly, as his brain reminds him of the real circumstances of his birth. He loathes Lucifer with all his angry heart, and wishes he could have been born under normal circumstances.

He’s mostly sure that with the power of knowledge, he can overcome the short-comings of his birth. But sometimes he can’t help but feel like he’s wasting his time, and will always be in Lucifer’s shadow.

Asmodeus

Like Satan, he wouldn’t describe himself as depressed. But what upsets him is far from shallow.

He’s sick and tired of everyone seeing him as this lustful sexy icon. Well- that’s not entirely true. He revels in it, in all the attention from the cute men and women who see him. He just wishes that wasn’t all they see in him.

He has feelings- a LOT of them actually- and it can be exhausting going out religiously, and hooking up with your incubus, or witch every other night. Sometimes he just wants someone to hold him and remind him that he’s beautiful, even when he’s crying.

Asmo is very dependent on Lavender scented oils and the likes to help him get to sleep at night. When his anxiety over comes him he thinks about how he doesn’t want to be the Avatar of Lust anymore and it plagues his brain. He figures he’s tired and needs to recharge. It’s a fear everyone can see, but never talks about.

Beelzebub

Definitely. He’s responsible for the death of his little sister Lilith. He saw the light leave her eyes as she was shot out of the sky. He saw the fear as she began to fall, while gripping Belphie.

He’s certain Belphie will never forgive him, even thousands of years later. Instead of talking about it though, he eats his problems away. When meal time is interrupted, he flies into a rage over it. The others think it’s his Gluttony, but in reality its the irritability radiating off his anxiety and depression.

He takes to working out and playing sports to feel better. Especially after binge eating so much. It makes him feel big and strong, and when he wraps his arms around his brothers he feels like he’s protecting them from the world.

Life is far from easy for Beel, but he’s taking little steps on his own to feel better. He probably meditates, surprisingly enough! Something Asmo taught him about, and they both do from time to time. You can bet he does yoga too!

Belphegor

OH YEAH. He DEFINITELY has depression.

His younger sister died as a result of his twin brother choosing him instead. In his misguided eyes, it’s his fault Lilith was killed, and regrets being born for it.

He has awful sleeping problems, because the thoughts of Lilith’s last moments plague him. He’s addicted to sleep medication, though doesn’t abuse it often- just when he needs it. (truly)

He feels as though all his brothers blame him secretly too. They’re frightened of his capabilities, especially after killing MC. While things turned out okay, sometimes his mind supplies him with the thought that this is all a façade, and eventually they’ll get tired of lying to him that everything is okay. Fully believes he’s a monster, and nothing can change that.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #om!#obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #shall we date obey me

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sodapill · 3 years

Text

days like television

words: 3.9k

relationships: denji & hayakawa aki & power, implied akiangel

ao3 link

a/n: here’s something i wrote exploring the dynamic of the hayakawa household from denji’s pov!

cw: mild emetophobia, smoking, ptsd

These days, Denji finds himself greeting every morning with a face full of cat fur.

Nyako has taken a liking to sleeping in his room, and she’s got a strict routine that he’s expected to follow. Breakfast doesn’t begin at the reasonable time after Aki doles out their portions, but rather whenever Nyako demands it, usually before the sun has peaked past the horizon and always when Denji is dead asleep.

Her favorite method of waking him used to be persistent yowling, but recently she’s adopted a new strategy—settling the length of her pudgy stomach over his head and cutting off his air supply.

It’s devious but effective, and as Denji’s body kicks into fight or flight from lack of oxygen, he can’t help but think they’ve raised a spoiled brat.

Power claims that’s how all pets are, but Pochita never refused the pathetic scraps of food Denji managed to scrounge up for their sporadic meal times. Nyako is the odd one for being a normal cat with normal needs.

It’s a good thing Denji is “nothing if not adaptable,” a phrase Aki used once that he’s since latched onto. Whether Aki meant it as an insult or not is irrelevant.

Occasionally growing a chainsaw for a head has made him realize he can adapt to pretty much anything. The hardest part of it all was learning to live with other people, and Denji sort of manages that. What difference does a daily smothering make in the grand scheme of things?

He’s gotten used to pulling a purring Nyako from his face so he can trudge to the kitchen and open a can of cat food. It’s considered one of his chores anyway—and yeah, they have a chore chart now.

That was all Aki, of course. Fed up with the stacks of unwashed dishes and dirty clothes strewn across the living room floor, he’d cooked and then withheld a delicious hotpot dinner until Denji and Power both agreed to work out a schedule. They’d decided to cycle cleaning throughout the week and set Saturday as laundry day. That way there was no excuse for Power to walk around in her underwear under the guise of not having anything to wear. It was her idea that the penalty for missing a chore be losing a finger, and Aki added it to the chart like that wasn’t something he’d ever have to worry about.

Denji didn’t want to give either of his housemates the satisfaction, so he’d gotten used to doing chores.

Begrudgingly.

Make no mistake—he can get used to anything, but he doesn’t have to like it. He’s learned to tolerate doing dishes like he tolerates the acrid smell of second-hand smoke filling his lungs whenever Aki feels like having a cig indoors. Bad smells never bothered him when he’d lived in poverty, but the weight of smoke in particular is stomach-turning.

As he’s forced to crack open a window and watch Nyako slink a similar retreat onto the sill, Denji considers how all this luxury has possibly made him a bit spoiled too.

After all, not everything he grows accustomed to is outright shitty.

For all her annoying living habits, Power proves to be a low-maintenance roommate. Her moods fluctuate so wildly, if she finds anything to complain about in the first place, she’s over it by the next turn of the clock. She also takes bizarre pride in completing her chores, dragging him or Aki around the apartment to boast of what a good job she’s done.

She pouts if they don’t praise her enough—but whatever. Denji is used to it.

Her constant chatter becomes less annoying the more time they spend together, until he realizes the apartment is too quiet on the rare occasion she’s not there. The sound of her exchanging meows with Nyako reminds him he’s home, and even her cackling laugh soon registers as comforting background noise.

Similarly, Denji now recognizes the shifts in Aki’s tone well enough to know if he’s actually in trouble, versus if Aki is scolding him for the sake of propriety. Denji watches for other tells when pulling pranks with Power—an indulgent shake of the head and a tug at the corner of Aki’s lips means they’re in the clear.

It's easy to pinpoint exactly what shade of melancholy he’s drifted into just by counting the number of consecutive cigarettes he pulls from the pack. Two is contemplative—four, somber. Anything past that means they’ll have to arrange for takeout that night.

Aki is consistent, and when he starts drifting in and out of rooms like he’s lost something, his fingers trailing the walls as if navigating in the dark, Denji knows he’s actually looking for a distraction. In those moments, Denji makes an effort to act extra obnoxious, riling Power up in turn until Aki has no choice but to pay attention to them and forget whatever bad memory he’d gotten hung up on.

Gathering facts about the people he lives with isn’t a conscious choice. It’s instinctual, like how his body expects food on the regular. He’d put up with a constant state of starvation for his entire adolescence, doing odd jobs on an empty stomach like it was nothing. Now it ruins his entire day if he doesn’t get at least three meals. What’s crazier, his body punishes him when he takes advantage of the unrestricted access to food.

Aki’s cooking is good. So good in fact, that for a large span of time, Denji is constantly shifting into “eat as much as possible” mode, left over from when food was scarce. This results in several post-meal puke sessions, made all the more miserable because Denji’s body is pretty much invincible, right? He’d thought whatever devils were made out of meant they were above this shit. Ending up with his face inside a toilet bowl has forced him to rethink his previous assumptions.

It sucks waiting for his body to adjust alongside his brain, but Power and Aki do their best to make it more bearable. The first time Power kneels beside him on the cold tile, he’s sure she’s there to laugh at his misery—it wouldn't be the first time. He’s bewildered when instead, she places both palms on his back and rubs them vigorously up and down in what must be her version of a soothing caress. She doesn’t laugh or even complain, and only when his stomach is empty and he’s slumped against the wall in exhaustion does she get up and fetch Aki, who steps into the bathroom with a soldier's solemnity to deposit a mug of hot tea into Denji’s hands.

It happens enough times where Denji doesn’t bother to ask questions, filing it away as one of those things that fits into an unnamed category of half shitty, half not so shitty—like movie nights.

The three of them have vastly different tastes, Aki with his mind-numbing art house flicks and Power’s penchant for talking animal movies made for literal children. Denji doesn’t know what genre he likes most, but it’s definitely not either of those.

It’s an unspoken rule that they have to watch each one all the way through. Aki is the type to sit in complete silence because talking “ruins the integrity of the film,” whatever that means, and Denji’s running commentary annoys him to no end.

Denji and Power make bets each time on how long it’ll take him to snap or huff out a laugh.

On the rare occasion it’s Denji’s turn to choose, he splits the difference and puts on something from the best seller section at the video store. With this method, they all have to suffer through garbage, but occasionally he’ll stumble across a good movie—one he doesn’t mind staying quiet for. He watches Aki and Power rather than the television screen, their rapt attention filling him with an odd sense of pride.

Denji categorizes those nights as not so shitty.

After a while, he gets so used to the good and bad mundanities of domestic living, he can’t even imagine what a change in routine would look like.

Then they go to Hell, and instead of cat fur, Denji is more often violently jerked awake to the sound of Power’s screams.

She’s more dependent than ever before, clinging to Denji at all times like an extra limb. When the sun begins to set outside their windows, she startles at every sound, working herself into a panic while her nails dig half-moon circles into his arms that he’s sure would leave permanent scars were he fully human.

Looking after her turns out to be even more work than getting up at the crack of dawn to feed Nyako—but for some reason, Denji can’t bring himself to resent her for it.

He takes on the responsibility of comforting her with a resilience he never knew he had, going as far as holding her hand each night while she struggles to calm down enough to fall asleep.

Power isn’t the only one Denji has to keep an eye on.

At first, he doesn’t notice the way Aki will sometimes stop cold in the middle of cutting vegetables, gripping the knife handle hard enough to whiten his knuckles as a shudder of something awful passes through his body. He’s good at hiding it, and when Denji catches the tail end of one of these attacks, Aki brushes it off like it’s nothing.

It’s only after Aki suddenly sinks to the floor in the middle of a conversation, his hand clutching at the place where his missing arm wouldn’t reattach, that Denji realizes he’s overlooked something important.

Phantom limb syndrome, Aki explains, is an ongoing side effect of losing a limb wherein the brain gets mixed signals from the area of severance and translates them in the only way it knows how—as pain. He rambles off some more medical science that goes completely over Denji’s head, but from what he can gather, this affliction is severe, unavoidable, and sometimes life long. There’s no cure, but as with other chronic conditions, the goal is learning to manage it the best you can.

The thought of Aki suffering in silence makes Denji want to deck him as much as it makes him want to find a solution for his pain. He juggles these warring impulses until Aki clenches his jaw and looks away—and Denji understands that Aki won’t spend any extra energy looking after himself by choice.

So Denji and Power force him to.

They keep a hot pack in the cabinet above the microwave, and when Aki shows even the slightest sign of falling under the grip of pain, they warm it up and force him to sit with it pressed to the aching muscle. They know it’s particularly bad when Aki doesn’t bother hiding how much it hurts, and in those moments they take turns massaging his shoulder.

Aki refuses to speak with them during, so Denji and Power talk to each other, treating the situation like it’s something they’ve always done.

Denji doesn’t comment on Aki’s silence. He’s come to understand that there are some things they don't need to say aloud. When you’ve lived with a person long enough, you can share a thought with just a gesture, or pick up on ideas that you can't put into words

Power doesn't need to tell him she appreciates his company on her bad nights. Likewise, he doesn’t need to voice why he doesn’t mind taking care of her. He couldn’t even if he tried.

And when Denji questions Aki on why he’s wearing a glove indoors, Aki only has to shoot a single warning look to shut him up.

Later that night, Aki welcomes the Angel Devil into their apartment.

One arm between the two of them—Denji thinks that's pretty funny, but he doesn’t say so. Instead, he hangs back as Power slinks around their guest like she’s investigating a new play thing.

Angel endures her attention for a short time, then flicks Denji a cool look and tucks his wings in, settling on the couch without a word.

Aki hovers in the foyer, glancing between the three of them like he’s waiting for a fight to break out. It’s such a dumb look on him that Denji takes it upon himself to make the first move.

He plops down on the arm rest and asks Angel outright if he’s ever tried using the thing floating above his head as a frisbee.

Angel rolls his eyes and informs Denji that his halo is sharp enough to slice through metal.

“Sounds like a challenge,” Denji shoots back, and he’s sure Aki’s surprise mirrors his own when the corner of Angel’s mouth lifts into a smirk.

“By all means, be my guest,” he says, inclining his head in invitation.

Denji moves to take Angel up on his offer, but Aki comes back to himself and catches Denji’s hand in a tight hold. He then spends several minutes lecturing them both on how hard it is to get blood stains out of upholstery.

The rest of the night is...well, it’s still weird. But Aki so obviously wants it not to be that they all pretend for his sake. While he cooks dinner, Denji and Power keep their surprise guest company.

Angel is surprisingly talkative when prompted, though he always seems to veer their conversations into the morose. At one point, he stares glumly at Nyako snoozing on the counter and warns them to watch her closely.

“Cats don’t actually have nine lives,” he remarks, “I learned that the hard way.”

Denji doesn’t say anything when Aki lays out enough food to feed a small army, all special dishes that he’d never cook for Power or Denji even if they begged. He digs in without a word, and it’s a good thing his mouth is stuffed, otherwise he’d be gaping at the way Aki carefully feeds Angel, every so often lifting a glass of water to his lips.

They follow up dinner with ice cream—which must be Angel’s favorite as Aki spoons him two extra helpings—and then Power is tugging at Denji’s arm, urging him to come take a bath with her.

He relents under the assumption that Angel will be gone by the time they’re done washing up. But about half an hour later, Denji exits the bathroom toweling off his hair to find Angel is still there, sitting close to Aki. They’re angled towards each other, Aki’s arm thrown over the back of the couch and the fabric of his long sleeve shirt brushing the tops of Angel’s wings.

They both look up at Denji when he enters the room. Angel’s expression appears bored as usual, but Aki’s is strange, his face relaxed in an unfamiliar way.

Denji opens his mouth, then decides better.

Aki stands, helping Angel up with a steady gloved hand to his back, and it takes everything Denji has in him to stay quiet as Aki mumbles an awkward goodnight, shepherding Angel down the hall and into his room.

Denji immediately makes up an excuse to run to the convenience store so he can check the balcony outside Aki’s room from street level. Sure enough, Aki and Angel are leaning up against the railing, heads inclined as if they’re speaking in low tones.

Denji watches Aki light himself a cigarette. He offers the box to Angel, who says something that actually makes Aki laugh, the sound ringing clear even from a distance. Placing a second cigarette in Angel’s mouth, Aki holds his own steady between two fingers, bending forward to meet the smoldering end to Angel’s unlit one. A pinpoint glow of orange flares in the dark space between their faces like a morning star.

Denji turns away, stuffs his hands in his empty pockets, and decides he’ll swing by the convenience store after all.

By the time he gets back, Angel is gone.

Aki is once again sitting on the couch, staring at the blank TV screen with a stupid smile on his face, and Denji has to say something.

It turns out Aki can punch just as hard with one arm as with two.

After that, Denji pays closer attention. Without intending, he starts to notice the way Aki sometimes looks at him and Power—though he can’t focus long enough to figure out what those looks mean. They’re gentle and wistful in a way that makes Denji want to pull at Aki’s cheeks and mold a better expression.

He tries it once, but that puts Aki in a foul mood for hours so he doesn’t do it again.

Things get even more confusing on a night where they’re all sprawled out on the carpet. The movie Aki puts on is so boring it knocks Power out in minutes, her head pillowed in the crook of Denji’s arm. He starts drifting off soon after.

It happens as he’s on the verge of sleep. His mind is muddled to the world around him, but for a second, he imagines he feels Aki place an ear to his chest.

Denji is sure he dreamt it until he walks in on Aki in the same position over a napping Power, his cheek pressed to her collarbone and his brows furrowed in concentration.

Denji backs out of the room and thinks there’s something he’s missing here.

The next time Aki is in the kitchen, Denji tests a theory, loudly announcing that he’s going to take a nap before stretching out on the couch. He feigns sleep long enough to rethink his entire strategy—when he finally hears Aki pause his task and tread softly across the room.

Denji struggles to keep a straight face as Aki kneels beside the couch and lowers an ear to his chest, keeping it there much too long for someone trying not to get caught. Eventually, he heaves a great sigh and pulls away, returning to the kitchen like he’d never left.

So, yeah. There’s the whole listening to their heartbeats thing.

Another quirk to add onto the list of Aki behavior that Denji doesn’t understand but has to accept.

Aki is still Aki. He still shouts at them when they break things, still cooks their meals and tolerates their company—though, maybe tolerates isn’t the right word anymore.

Denji is flipping through the pages of a porno mag when one of the ads catches his eye. A smiling woman in a bikini holds up a machine with a handle on top and an open space in the middle. He thinks it might be some crazy sex thing, but he has Power read the description, and she tells him it’s for making a dessert called “shaved ice.”

Neither of them know what that is, but the ad makes it sound like the best thing ever—

“—and it can be ours for the low price of two-thousand yen!” Power shouts, smacking the magazine against his arm.

Denji tears out the ad and goes to pester Aki into buying it for them.

Aki bitches and moans about wasting money on useless shit, but after getting it out of his system, he puts down the laundry he was folding and snatches the page from Denji’s hand, dialing the number with a sour expression. He’s curt over the phone, reading off his credit card details like someone has a gun to his head. Denji wishes he could see the face of the unlucky salesperson on the other line.

“Denji.” Aki says, and Denji tilts his head before realizing he’s not being spoken to. Aki pauses, and then directs a puzzled frown his way. “Last name?”

Denji shrugs.

Aki blinks at him, the furrow between his brow smoothing as if in stunned realization. After a bizarre stretch of silence, he readjusts his hold on the handset and glances away, mumbling out, “Hayakawa. Hayakawa Denji.”

When he eventually hangs up, his gaze stays trained on the far wall like he’s lost in thought. Denji decides not to test his luck by sticking around, but Aki catches his wrist as he goes to leave.

“What?” Denji grumbles. “I said thank you, didn’t I?”

“You didn’t, actually,” Aki replies dryly, but there’s no real reproval in his tone. “That’s not—just hold on a minute.”

His faltering words give Denji pause. He shakes off Aki’s hand but stays put.

“Listen,” Aki begins, messing with the pile of clothes he’d left aside. He unfolds a shirt, holds it out, and then folds it again, all the while not meeting Denji’s eye. “If you or Power ever needed— If for some reason I wasn’t here...and you needed something for documents…”

“Why wouldn’t you be here?” Denji asks, and thinks of their work. “If you’re traveling we can call you.”

Aki turns to him then, something unreadable in his thousand-yard stare.

It’s like facing a door labeled, “do not open.”

Aki sighs and looks away. “Forget it.”

And Denji does forget—until a fews days later when a package arrives at their doorstep postmarked to one Hayakawa Denji.

Placing the box on the living room table, he studies the characters of his given name, covering and uncovering them with his palm. He’d never noticed how incomplete they looked without a surname to go before. The sight turns rusty gears in his head, almost like he’s on the verge of understanding an important truth.

Power bowls him over in her excitement before he comes to a conclusion.

They leave the setup to Aki, who confiscates the shaved ice maker and reads the instructions with the two of them hovering over his shoulder. It turns out to be very simple, just a matter of filling the upper compartment with ice and turning the lever. The machine wobbles below Aki’s hand, so Denji holds it steady, watching with fascination as snow-like flakes collect in the bowl underneath. The novelty wears off a little when he dips a finger in to taste and finds it flavorless like regular ice, but Aki bats his hand away and pulls out a bottle of blue liquid.

“Flavor syrup,” he says, scanning the label. “Hawaiian Blast—what’s that supposed to be?”

Whatever it is, it tastes delicious drizzled over the ice flakes, sweet and refreshing like no dessert Denji has ever had.

Power gobbles up the first serving faster than Aki can make more, and he’s unsympathetic to the excruciating brain freeze that earns her.

She flicks the lever and turns to Denji with a conspiratorial grin. “Think it would work with blood?”

“Great idea,” Aki says, chin in hand. “Why not make this perfectly innocent activity fucked up and evil?”

Power sticks her vibrant blue tongue out at him.

Denji hates getting cut open on principle, so he appeases her by mashing up strawberries with condensed milk into a gory looking topping they can all enjoy. Even Nyako gets to lick a drop off his finger.

Aki takes his first bite and gazes into his bowl like it’s a window into a far off time and place. “I haven’t had this since I was a kid.”

“Old man,” Denji snickers.

Power echoes him at double the volume, falling back and kicking her legs in the air. The motion disturbs Nyako, who clambers off her lap and settles at Aki’s feet

“Oh, shut it,” Aki says, but the hint of a smile softens his tone into fondness. He scratches at Nyako’s ear. “At least you’re on my side.”

Shaken by her cat’s betrayal, Power stammers out, “‘Tis only pity! Nyako feels nothing but pity for humans, just like her master!”

“Is that so?” Aki raises a brow and—to Power’s great dismay—makes a show of lifting Nyako into his lap. “Lucky us then.”

“Yeah,” Denji says, a brilliant grin working its way onto his face. “Lucky us.”

#chainsaw man #csm #denji chainsaw man #power chainsaw man #aki hayakawa #akiangel #peimou writings

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dessarious · 4 years

Text

Guilt and Consequences Pt3

Okay, so I am still working on my other stories I just haven’t been able to get much down. I’m working a crap ton of overtime at the moment and I’m just fried when I get home. I’d say hopefully I’ll be more productive on the weekends but right now I’m working Saturdays and and Sundays are becoming catch up on sleep days. So sorry for the delays, but I’ll try to get back into a headspace where I don’t just want to pass out whenever I’m not at work. Oh and I think I got everyone tagged who asked but let me know if I didn’t or you want to be added.

AO3 Beginning Previous Next

The silence stretched on and Lila could only sit there. She knew the others were likely staring at her. Wondering what she’d done to make her mother react like that. She just wished she had an answer for them. Even before everything with the schools they’d never been close. Her mother pretty much only talked to her to tell her what she needed to improve. As the atmosphere became more and more uncomfortable Lila finally broke the silence.

“So… would you consider that a yes or a no?” More silence before M. Dupain cleared his throat.

“Marinette why don’t you go with Lila to pack an overnight bag? We’ll get dinner and some treats started. Is there anything you can’t eat or something you’d like to have?” It took her a moment to realize that last part was aimed at her. When she managed to look up his expression matched the gentle tone of his voice and she just got even more confused.

“No sir. I’m not picky.” Her mother rarely made it home to eat with her and even then it was always take out. She’d gotten used to left overs or eating whatever random things were in the house.

“Make sure to pack all your medications as well.” Madam Cheng’s voice sounded a little strange but when Lila managed to look up at her she wasn’t glaring and she didn’t look annoyed. She was definitely more stiff than she’d been before though.

“It’s okay if you don’t want me here anymore. I get it. Even offering is more than most people would have done in your situation.” She still had no idea why they did either. After everything that had happened to their daughter because of her they should be throwing her out, at the very least. The woman’s expression turned to one of motherly concern and it honestly made her more nervous. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had aimed that kind of look at her.

“You’re welcome here, anytime you need somewhere to go, as long as you stop all this lying. There are better ways to deal with your problems.” Lila could only hang her head and mumble another apology. While she agreed that the lying in this situation wasn’t a good idea, it normally didn’t backfire like this and she had tried other things first. Maybe it was different for other people. She heard the woman let out a frustrated sigh. “You two go on, we’ve got to finish closing up the bakery before we start on dinner.” She let Marinette pull her out of her seat and down the stairs. She was still too busy trying to understand what was happening to even consider arguing.

“Did your mom really put you on medication just to keep you in school?” She glanced at Marinette. There was no accusation in the question. More like she just couldn’t understand how someone could do something like that.

“Yes but I don’t take it. Well, except one of the anxiety meds every once in a while when I can’t sleep. As she said on the phone, she thinks I should be responsible for myself so she just assumes I’m actually taking them.” She hadn’t understood at first why her mother would work so hard to get the meds and then not bother to monitor their use. She’d come to the conclusion it was so that when the school finally called about her ‘behavioral’ issues she would have a paper trail to be able to sell them on the fact that Lila was just sick and needed special accommodations. That or she really didn’t think Lila would disobey her on this.

When they got to the apartment building Lila wasn’t really paying attention. She heard something that sounded like a cough but kept walking towards the elevator until Marinette tugged on her sleeve. When she looked over at the other girl Marinette motioned to the side and Lila saw three rather annoyed looking staff members.

“Guests have to be signed in.” She blinked at the woman who spoke, not really processing the words.

“I’m sorry, what?” The woman just rolled her eyes.

“This is a high security building Mlle. Rossi. All guests have to be signed in.” Oh, right. She vaguely remembered something about that from when they’d first moved in. She just had never actually brought someone home before.

“Sorry, I forgot. Umm… how exactly do I do that?” The woman just looked exasperated now, but the man behind the desk offered a smile and motioned them over. There was a clipboard on the desk and he handed her a pen.

“You just need to put your name, apartment number, and your guests name.” He pointed to each column in turn . She filled them out as he asked and handed the pen back. “Thank you Mlle. Rossi, have a nice day.”

“Thank you, you as well.” She could still see the disapproving look on the woman’s face as they continued to the elevator and couldn’t help but wonder how she still had a job if this was how she normally treated tennants. Personally she couldn’t remember any of the staff and didn’t really interact with them. Generally once she was in the building it was a habit to keep her head down and get to her room as quickly as possible. She’d found that the less interaction she had with people the fewer things her mother had to lecture her about. Her social interactions were always lacking in some way and she could never be certain what her mother would latch onto.

When they entered the apartment Lila noticed Marinette frowning as she looked around. She couldn’t really blame her after seeing her house. The apartment was clean bordering on sterile due to the service her mother had come in daily. There weren’t any personal touches either. No pictures, no nicknacks, nothing that said people actually lived here. She didn’t really think about it. It had been this way as long as she could remember.

“Your place is nice…” Lila actually grinned as she watched Marinette try to come up with something good to say about it. “Lot’s of natural light.” Lila let out a snort of amusement. The girl was the essence of cheerful and that was all she could come up with. It was a bit sad really.

“My room’s this way.” When they entered Marinette perked up immediately. Lila could only assume it was due to all the pictures on the walls since it was the only real difference between here and the rest of the house.

“Wow, these are amazing! Do you collect them?”

“They’re not that good. Just pictures I’ve taken to remember where I’ve been.” She liked taking pictures, especially of nature. She found it soothing and having something to look back on made her feel a little less disconnected. Marinette was staring at her in what looked like awe.

“You took all these?” Lila just nodded. “These are amazing! I’ve seen professional photographers whose work doesn’t look this good.” Even knowing Marinette was just being nice, Lila couldn’t help but bask in the complement for a moment. But only for a moment.

“So what exactly should I be packing? I’ve never done the whole sleepover thing before.” Suddenly Marinette was looking at her like she’d kicked a puppy and she couldn’t figure out why.

“You’ve never had a sleepover? Ever?” Lila just shook her head. Wasn’t that what she’d just said? “Oh my gosh! We have so much to make up for. Obscene amounts of junk food and games and movies and makeovers and ghost stories and-” She just kept going. Lila had no idea what she was rambling about and it didn’t answer her question at all. Marinette finally paused to take a breath and she was able to break in.

“Okay, but what should I actually pack?” Marinette paused to think it over. The expression on her face seemed far too serious for such a common question.

“Your most comfy pajamas, whatever you want to wear tomorrow, and a toothbrush. I’ll take care of everything else.” Well that sounded slightly ominous. Regardless, she packed what she was told along with all her medications. Dumping those in the bag got a strange look from Marinette, but she wasn’t certain why. Maybe it was just how many there were. In less than ten minutes they were back out on the street, headed towards the bakery.

“Lila!”

“Shit.” She said the word under her breath as she looked behind her. Of course it would be Alya. They’d been on the street less than five minutes, only her luck could be that bad. She tried to use her body to block Marinette but she wasn’t quick enough. Alya’s expresion turned sour as she tried to reach around Lila.

“I thought we made it clear that we wouldn’t tolerate you bullying Lila anymore!” Lila grabbed the girls wrist before she could grab or slap Marinette. That stunned her enough to let Marinette get some space.

“You touch her again I’ll break the offending appendage.” Lila didn’t recognize her own voice in that deep threatening tone, but Alya just rolled her eyes.

“This is why we didn’t tell you what we were doing. You’re too nice and let people like her get away with anything.” She wanted so badly to just slap some sense into the girl but honestly she didn’t think it would work.

“I’m not nice, and you’ll find out exactly how not nice if you don’t stop harassing Marinette.”

“But if we don’t do something she’ll just keep bullying you!” Lila could only sigh. How many times was she going to have to have this conversation.

“Marinette is not now, nor has she ever bullied me. Which I already told you.” Alya let out a patient sigh, like she was explaining something simple to a small child. Yeah, someone was going to get hit before this conversation was over.

“She’s constantly calling you a liar and trying to turn everyone against you. Why would she do that?” Yep, the kindergarten teacher tone was definitely a good way to piss her off. Lila, of course, defaulted to sarcasm.

“Oh gee, I don’t know maybe because I was lying?” Alya looked like she was about to argue but Lila just kept going. “If you had bothered to look up literally anything I said you would know that.”

“An absence of proof is not proof of absence.” It took a minute for the words to penetrate as Lila was just getting even more annoyed by Alya’s self righteous tone but when they did she had to stop herself from lunging at her.

“Are you saying that you looked up my claims, found absolutely no proof and still took my word over Marinette’s?” Her voice was soft, more because her throat felt like it was closed in rage than anything else.

“There wasn’t any proof that you were lying either.” Alya’s smug tone finally snapped something inside her.

“Have you lost your damn mind?! Jagged stone has said in multiple interviews that he doesn’t even like cats. And in what universe would my mother’s PR team not have it in the news that I do charity work? She’s a public figure Alya, anything that can make her look good would have press releases for days. That in and of itself proves that I was lying.” The girl seemed to ponder this for a moment before she sent a glare to Marinette.

“What did you threaten her with to make her agree with you?” Knowing that she’d been right about who Alya would blame for this was a small consolation.

“Lila you need to calm down.” Marinette’s voice was soft, soothing even but she was in no mood to pay attention.

“I will not calm down! This wanna be reporter couldn’t find the truth if she fell into a river of it. You should consider a career in fiction by the way since anyone with journalistic integrity will simply laugh you out the door.” Alya was still glaring at Marinette, like all this was her fault. What was wrong with people? Marinette actually grabbed her arms and forced Lila to face her.

“Please. You really need to calm down. Just breathe with me okay? You don’t want to get Akumatized again.” Those words acted like ice water. Yes, this was beyond stupid, but it wasn’t worth that. She calmed her breathing as Marinette asked but made sure to keep a line of sight on Alya as well. There was no telling what someone like her would do at this point.

“We should head back to your house, your parents will start to worry.” She had no idea if that was true or not but she hoped it would get Alya to back off. Pretty much everyone agreed that Marinette’s parents were great people, but they were also scared shitless at the thought of pissing them off. After their talk earlier she understood why. It did the trick too. Alya mumbled something about finding out what kind of dirt Marinette had on her so Lila could stop pretending she’d been lying as she left at a brisk walk. She’d read about willful ignorance but she’d never expected to encounter it to this degree. She was starting to hope it did have something to do with Hawkmoth, but considering some of the things people were willing to believe she wasn’t very optimistic.

AO3 Beginning Previous Next

Ko-Fi

Tag List

@readeracctagmepls @aestheticnpoetic @akana-sama @schrodingers25 @runestarchild @paradoxal-occurance @heaven428 @animegirlweeb @deepestobservationwombat @iggy-of-fans @yin-390 @thehufflepuffranger-blog @trippingovermyfeet @misslenamooney

#miraculous ladybug #marinette dupen chang #lila rossi #lila redemption #ooc #salt

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voltage-vixen · 4 years

Text

The Great Pumpkin Surprise

Fandom: Kissed by the Baddest Bidder Pairing: Eisuke x MC (Female) Notes: This fic was written for the server gift exchange in the Kings of Paradise discord, and my recipient was @eikouxd. I really hope you like this!

The gentle breeze was chilly on the crisp fall afternoon, and there was a bright mixture of orangish-red leaves that painted the ground. Decorative ghosts hung from the stripped trees in preparation for Halloween since the spooky holiday was nearly upon them. Today, MC had convinced her family to travel outside the bounds of the city to visit a farm known for their festive autumn attractions. Eito was quick to agree, and her husband Eisuke voiced how amusing this trip would probably be for him if he did accompany them.

A few hours later they were deep into one of the rural suburbs, with a smirking Eisuke and a giddy MC bearing witness of a rare moment where Eito was racing around the farm and acting like a child his age would be expected to act. MC typically would fret over Eito being in such a rush to grow up, but today watching him radiate in childlike innocence while he lit up at the sights warmed her heart. It wasn’t often the three of them were able to escape from their daily routine given the demands of Eisuke’s work schedule, and these occasions were something she treasured when they presented themselves. Well, the three of them and…..

“Eito, come take a look at this gourd!” Ota cried out, holding up the large disfigured fruit for the boy to see. “Doesn’t it remind you of Baba’s face?”“Ota!”

Baba pouted, feigning annoyance by dramatically crossing his arms over the front of his chest. “How cruel of you! I hardly look a day over twenty! I’m sure everyone here would feel inclined to agree.” Glancing around, the thief’s gaze locked onto Soryu’s, who also happened to be standing nearby. “Sor, don’t you think I have an eternally youthful looking face?”

The mobster rolled his eyes and uttered a loud sigh for once again being dragged into the childish antics of the group. “I don’t know anything about that stuff. Stop trying to get me involved in your shenanigans.”

“You’re pretty uptight for a criminal, aren’t you now?” Mamoru muttered under his breath. Lighting his cigarette, he surveyed the food and beverage stalls up by the entrance. “Do they sell booze at this joint? I need something to help me get through this day that I was coerced into spending with you lot.”

“Ugh, must you really insist on smoking that here?” Shuichi scolded, massaging his temples at the headache he felt oncoming. Seeing Luke nearby, he barked at the spaced-out doctor next to him. “Luke, you’re a medical professional. Inform him at once how neglectful of his health he’s being by smoking those like a chimney.”

“Oh, how I do despise the colder weather,” Luke groaned, ignoring the nagging ambassador. “I can’t even sneak a peek at Sexybones’s exquisite collar bones when she’s wearing this many layers of clothing.”

“Don’t be weird, Luke,” Hikaru murmured, shaking his head over the doctor’s odd obsession. Wanting to ease some of the innocent tension among the bidders, Hikaru decided it would be best to change the subject. “Hey, I promised Maddy I would bring him back some souvenirs. Why don’t we all pick out some together as a group? I bet Maddy would really appreciate that.”

“Good idea, Hikaru!” Baba cheered, immediately beginning to assist Hikaru in ushering the grumbling guys over to the souvenir shop. “Hurry up, everyone! Time’s a wasting!”

Yup, you guessed it! Somewhere along the way, what was intended to be a family trip, somehow escalated into the Ichinomiya family + the auction managers = chaotic group outing.

Despite the crashers, Eito who had been wandering through the patch in search for the perfect pumpkin, spun around and burst into laughter at the familiar sight of the men he considered uncles causing the same old commotion he had grown to associate them with.

“Remind me why they are here again?” Eisuke scowled, though there was a softness in his face that didn’t align with the harshness of his words while he watched the group disappear into the front of the stop.

“Because they’re our friends,” MC giggled, while she rested her head onto his arm. “Besides, look how much fun Eito is having! Isn’t that what matters the most?”

Eisuke leaned over to plant a soft kiss on the top of her head, and tenderly stroked her cheek. “That face you’re making now isn’t the worst,” the CEO teasingly mocked. “I suppose a trip like this isn’t half-bad if it means I get to see more of that ridiculous grin you’re wearing.”

“I can’t help the fact that spending time with you two reminds me of how blessed I am,” MC sighed, nuzzling her head against his shoulder. “These moments are precious. They’re the ones I’ll forever cherish from now until the end of my time.”

Eisuke’s heart skipped a beat at the adorableness of MC’s confession, and a rare shade of crimson faintly painted his cheeks. His past self would never have been able to envision that someone like him would ever be fortunate enough to be experiencing his very own version of family bliss. Yet here he stood today as a husband and a father. He used to believe success was measured by one’s professional accomplishments. While the value of business metrics was still one of importance, Eisuke now also factored in the prosperity and good fortune he was privileged to be immersed in from MC and Eito.

“Always honest to a fault,” Eisuke retorted, trusting MC failed to notice his blush. “That’s a quality that deserves a reward, and I don’t intend on making you wait for reimbursement any longer. Come here, baby.”

Reaching around behind MC, Eisuke placed his hand on her back. Pulling her into his embrace, MC’s body stiffened in a bashfulness from how intimately they were standing in public. The familiar masculine scent of his cologne radiated from his body as her husband wiggled MC even more snugly against him. Eisuke’s hot breath tickled the front of her neck, and his expression softened as he cupped her chin, and MC’s nerves instantly melted away. She wanted to kiss him, and she wanted to kiss him now. Rising on her tip toes, MC inched closer, drawing herself to the part of Eisuke’s lips until-

“Mom, take a look at what I found!” Eito boasted, interrupting his parents by suddenly making his way over. “I found you the perfect pumpkin!”Eito was grinning from ear to ear, his cheeks puffed out in pride as he held up a large, bright orange pumpkin.

Stepping away from Eisuke, MC crouched down and extended her arms to greet Eito.“Eito, what a wonderful find,” MC cheered, genuinely impressed by the amount of though Eito was putting into ensuring he found her such an impeccable pumpkin.

“If that’s what you consider a superb pumpkin, then you have very juvenile taste,” Eisuke jabbed, miffed that his MC’s attention was taken from him. “Don’t ever present your mother with less than she deserves.”

“Eisuke….,” MC began to interject, but was left unheard since Eisuke was already headed towards the fields.

“Don’t make excuses for him,” Eisuke replied. “Come on, Eito. Allow me to remind you of what constitutes as an Ichnomiya standard.”

“I don’t need you to tell me anything!” Eito argued. Despite his protests, Eito set aside his pride and chased after his father.

MC watched from a distance as the two thoroughly inspected the rows of pumpkins. She was able to gather they were quarreling back and forth based on Eito’s everchanging facial expressions, but she was also able to observe the look of admiration Eito often held for Eisuke. Eito was intently hanging onto every word Eisuke spoke, and even divulged his appreciation by offering the billionaire a small nod in approval when they reached an agreement on the ideal pumpkin. Eisuke signaled for one of the workers to come assist, and Eito held the pumpkin proudly to his chest.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few weeks had passed since that fun day at the pumpkin patch. MC was about to leave their home and meet Eisuke in the lobby of the Tres Spades, when she caught a glimpse at the picture frame of the three of them on the coffee table. Her lips curled in a smile as she recollected that fond memory. Sparing one final peek at the happy photo, she eagerly stepped into the elevator.

After riding down into the lobby, the doors to the elevator sprung open and MC gasped in awe at the marvelous scene decorating the entrance into the hotel. She could hardly believe that the entire face of the lobby was covered in pumpkins. Each was turned into a different type of jack-o-lantern; carved with intricate details, and brightly illuminating from the inside. The normal atmosphere was vastly transformed into a not-so-spooky Halloween theme.

“Mom, you’re finally here!” Eito shouted as he ran across the room to greet her.

“Conduct yourself more appropriately,” Eisuke scolded, frowning when Eito ignored him and continued to race towards his mother and tightly hug her.

“We had the farm deliver all of these pumpkins, and then dad and I asked Uncle Ota to design them since we thought it would make you happy! Did it work? Are you happy?” the little boy asked, his eyes widened in an impatient anticipation as he awaited his mom’s response.

“Of course, I’m happy! You two did an amazing job working together,” MC acknowledged in pride, also addressing Eisuke who had just finished walking over to join her and Eito. “What did I ever do to deserve to be spoiled like this by my two favorite men in the entire world?”

MC wrapped Eito up into a hug and reached out to grasp onto Eisuke’s hand. Knowing that Eisuke and Eito worked through their differences to come together as father and son and plan such an elaborate surprise for her was truly better than any physical gift they could present her with.

“I love you, guys,” MC whispered, blinking back the tears of joy threatening to spill in elate of her excitement.

“Love you too, mom,” Eito murmured, blushing shyly at the direct confession.

Pressing a kiss on Eito’s forehead, MC captured Eisuke’s gaze with her own. Her eyes flashed in adoration when Eisuke lightly gave her hand a squeeze, and shared the sentimental smile he retained only for her.

I love you too, baby. I love you too.

#kissed by the baddest bidder #eisuke ichinomiya #kbtbb fanfic #voltage inc #eisuke ichinomiya fanfic #love 365 #voltage fanfic #kbtbb #kbtbb eisuke

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darkanddirtyknb · 3 years

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PERSONAL UPDATE

Hey guys! This post is a little late but I wanted to let you know what's going on. My MRI results came back normal, for me. So I still have white matter on my brain, some more than I had but it's to be expected with my migraines. Basically, they leave little scars on my brain each time I get one of my bad ones. My neurologist says that all of my daily symptoms are most likely due to fibromyalgia and my migraines. I'm still not completely satisfied but I have to deal with it because it's all I have right now. My next step, however, is to find someone who can treat my reactivated EBV. My neurologist prescribed me a muscle relaxer but it's like taking a placebo (gazebo). It does nothing for me. A big thing with fibro is getting enough sleep but I have really bad insomnia and sleeping pills don't work for me either. Natural alternatives do nothing. My body hates medication—like it literally doesn't work for me. So if I don't get enough sleep I'm in more pain than usual, and that's been the case lately. I'm in agony because I get so little sleep. I actually went to see my neurologist initially because I have over half of the symptoms of MS and I wanted to rule it out. It's common for fibro and MS to be misdiagnosed as the other because they're so similar. And with the marks on my brain, I wanted to be sure. After I find someone to treat the R-EBV, I'm going to find a pain management clinic. But the even bigger issue I'm dealing with right now is that, not only am I supposed to get adequate sleep, I'm supposed to manage my stress levels and that's almost impossible with what's been going on in my life. As of right now, my parents owe me $500. I told them I wouldn't pay for their addictions but they're still asking. My mom and I have been fighting. She's being awful to my dad for things that happened in the past so I'm constantly hearing her complain about how much she hates him; but she won't leave or even try to fix the situation so I have limited sympathy. I know that makes me sound like an asshole but I've been dealing with this for nearly my entire life. In the beginning, she was terrified of him due to his abusive behavior but as of the past five years, she's just turned it around on him. And while I do put some stock in karma, she's just being cruel for the sake of being cruel. My dad was an asshole and he still can be at times but he's changed a lot and he gets no credit for it. I could say a lot about this whole situation but that's not what I'm here to do today so, moving forward: my septic system is shot and that's a $10,000 expense. We don't qualify for a grant so the only help that we can get is a loan. That's going to add an extra $100 to the bills a month for the next 20 years. Adulting is fun, right? I had to take out a credit line for CareCredit so I can pay for my dog's health and my parent's dog's health. I have a $400 bill coming up for my dog's physical and blood work. I've been paying for my necessities and theirs, and while dropping $5 and $10 here and there doesn't sound like much, it adds up. I'm just so beyond stressed with my own issues and my parents just keep dumping all of their problems on me. I can barely take care of myself and now I'm taking care of two adults and two dogs. It's been a special kind of hell. I'm not trying to drop all of this on you guys, and I'm not looking for pity. I just like to update you guys on what's going on in my life now and then. I'll be posting a new story today but all of this is why I've been so slow. I really need to get commissions done so I can make more money but it's so hard to write when I'm in so much pain. Fibro-fog is also a very real thing and it absolutely blows. But I'm trying, guys. I really am. I don't want this blog to die because it's been a really great thing for me. I've met a lot of amazing people and this is an escape for me. I'm just going to be writing at the rate of a crone, which is honestly how I feel so... I love you all and I hope you're doing well. <3

#out of bounds #personal update

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hiro-gari · 3 years

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Speaking of Neo Heroes' security guards doing the housekeeping at Badd's house as part of the deal between Badd and Neo Heroes when he joined them, this makes me think:

- "What if redeemed Garou successed at infiltrating Neo Heroes without getting recognized and disguising himself as Badd's guard?" -

This is just pure self-indulging thought because imagine this: Current Garou, the calmer, wiser, matured, yet still powerful as ever, been wanting to return the favor to Badd for defending him in the previous battle and also to protect him from Neo Heroes' shady schemes, he decided to infiltrate Neo Heroes with his new identity and becomes Badd's security guard.

Of course I know this scenario wont be possible at all because of Neo Heroes would investigate everyone to the tiniest details, and some of Neo Heroes members already recognized Garou in canon webcomic just like the whole Suiryu's team squad did. But let's just think they would be fooled by Garou's new persona when he enrolled the job.

Not to mention, let's just assumed enrolling the job as Neo Heroes' staff would be separated from the regular member's employment and many of Neo Heroes' execs haven't familiarized yet with Garou's new appearance.

The setting could be after Garou got ambushed by Suiryu's team and also after Badd got attacked by Neo Heroes' cyborgs, since I think these events occured on the same time or at least at the same week, imho. So, once Garou heard about what happened to the Neo Heroes' members, he got worried for Badd and decided to sorta helped him in a way by become his personal guard.

During the interview, Garou would giving "made up" personal data that wont mentioned any of Bang's influence or everything related to his mentor. During the physical test, he would only using the most basic martial art moves in front of the execs so they wont recognizing his distinct style.

Garou successfully passed the test and get the job, at the same time when Neo Heroes' need a new security guard for Badd since the delinquent hero already kicked out the latest guard from his house for being "too goddamn nosy", courtesy by the furious Badd himself. Badd said he wanted a more decently normal guard and not a creep. That was a great chance for Garou to fill the requirement as his security guard.

Imagine the short-haired Garou wearing a suit like usual bodyguard outfit, looking so neat, professional, and reserved. And he was standing in front of Badd's front door, ready to greet the hero (who saved his life before) then introducing himself as both his new bodyguard and housekeeping guard.

Eventhough from outside Garou looked very calm, actually he was a bit nervous because he would meet Badd again. Unsure if he should be proud that he got a real good job in which he could be by Badd's side, or afraid that Badd would reject him then kick him out from the house just like what he did to other previous guards.

The moment Badd opened the door to scold and complained whoever Neo Heroes stubbornly have sent to him, he got tongue-tied by Garou's appearance. At first Badd still not recognized his identity, but after inspecting him for a few seconds Badd immediately gawked and immediately yanked Garou into the house, closing the door so noone would hear their conversation.

Badd realized that this man, this charming mysterious person, his new bodyguard, is Garou. Garou the ex Hero Hunter, Human Monster, the former enemy who put him into hospital yet also the one whom he protected from the rest of S-Class heroes, the reason why Badd leaving Hero Association, now was standing before him. Introducing himself as Neo Heroes' new security guard who will "keep him and his lil sister" from any danger outside.

Not easily convinced, Badd cornered Garou and asking if Garou has gone crazy for joining Neo Heroes, too. Especially now Badd knew that they were such scumbags disguising themself as saviors.

Garou calmly answered that he already know firsthandly of what Neo Heroes is, also had heard of what they have done to Badd. Hence he became a double agent: working for Neo Heroes to gain their trust so he can protect Badd from anyone, including Neo Heroes members itself since he has the privillege to do that. Of course by doing that, Garou must be smart enough to trick them and manipulated the reports so they wont gain Badd's personal information that was too private to be shared because it could endangered Badd's life.

Garou doesn't care if this could endanger himself should Neo Heroes realizing his true intention. As long as Badd is safe, he wont give a fuck for all of Neo Heroes' bullshits again. Nobody would hurt Badd any longer, let the delinquent hero do his job properly without any disturbance.

Badd was surprised at how far Garou willing to do for the sake of him, but he still wont convinced enough of him because at this point it seems Badd couldn't trust people anymore since the Hero Association's post-war chaos and Neo Heroes' cyborgs assault.

Garou knows Badd got trust issue because of them, same as what Garou feels after all this time. Wanted to reassure Badd, Garou kneeled before Badd and vowed to him, that he definitely will keep Badd and Zenko safe at all cost. If something wrong happened between Badd and him that makes he should betray Badd, Badd has the full rights to punish him severely and he wont fights Badd back. His life is fully on Badd's hand and not Neo Heroes'. With pleasure, Garou pledged his loyalty just for Badd only. Only him.

Garou ended his vow by taking Badd's hand and kissed his knuckles softly. Then he gave Badd such tender genuine smile with equally tender adoring gaze, because for Garou this man in front of him is his "Hero". Now he would return the favor by cherishing Badd and make him happy.

Listening Garou's vow and receiving sweet gestures from him made Badd flustered, he didn't expect that the ex Hero Hunter who hunted him down would be willing to be his loyal guard. Even swore to cherish him. That's more than a regular guard should do to their client!

Badd had thought he didn't deserved to be treated so nicely like this since he was just doing what he thinks is right. Also he wasn't often getting praised at all by people hence he still hasn't used by it. But seeing how genuine and determinated Garou is, somehow it warms Badd's heart. That Garou really appreciating him to the point he wanted to return the favor, in which Garou didn't have to do that yet he still do it out of free will.

Finally, Badd accepting Garou's offer and trusted him to do his job as his bodyguard. Like Garou has promised before, if someday Garou has to betray his trust, Badd will not hesitated to demolish the wolfman. Monster form or not.

With a bright yet soothing smile, Badd helped Garou to stand up again from his kneeling position and then hugged him tightly.

And saying, "Welcome home, Garou".

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Bonus headcanon:

Imagine how often Garou gets Badd blushing madly just by appearing as professional bodyguard, so handsome and charming. Not to mention now Garou showing more responsible and mature side of him that put Badd in awe everytime Garou doing his job properly. Sometimes it distracted Badd's mind and every single memories of the wolfman being so sweet and loving to him lives in his head rent free.

Also, Zenko totally adores Garou and really glad that he wasn't like those creepy bodyguards that Badd had to kick out before. More often Zenko asked Garou to be more casual and to treat Badd more as a friend and not as a client, since she told Garou that her bigbro loves his presence especially when both of them were off-duty at home.

Gradually, Garou becomes more laid-back around Badd (except when he was on-duty or still under Neo Heroes' surveillance). They're eventually becomes bestfriends, completing and complementing eachother since they both were alone and lonely boys.

Secretly without Neo Heroes' knowledge, Garou has been helping Badd to cope with his doomed situation under Neo Heroes' cruel scheme by finally having someone trusted enough on his side when he need it, as he will be always on Badd's side no matter what. Even as far manipulated the daily reports brilliantly so Neo Heroes wont touch Badd with their dirty hands anymore. Anything Garou will do, for Badd.

In return, Badd wont let anyone to hurt Garou again, even if it's Neo Heroes itself. The ex Hero Hunter has already suffered enough. Badd would try his best to cooperate with Garou so they both could make convincing "false reports" while they enjoyed their secret private life together. If someone from Neo Heroes found out what they have done, Badd worried if Garou would be taken away from him. Or worst, gets a fate worse than death. And Badd doesn't want that happens.

On the brighter side, Garou could spend time together most of the time with. Even living with Badd as a privillege of his bodyguard status and Badd's seal of approval to the Neo Heroes execs (so they would let Garou lives together with him, for "surveillance" reason).

Sometimes Garou also assisting Badd in a battle when he was still on bodyguard duty, ensuring Badd wont be too reckless during fighting the enemies. If Badd was injured, Garou was the first one who reacted and immediately taking care of him at home, or bringing him to the nearest hospital if the injuries were quite heavy and need proper medical treatment.

Imagine Garou bridal-carried Badd towards hospital. Badd was actually unconscious at first, but when he regained his consciousness the first thing he saw was Garou's handsome face with those seriously worried expression. That made Badd swooning because: 1. "Why did Garou has to be THIS gorgeous even in pinch situation like this??"; 2. "But he cares so much to me, this strangely makes me happy in some way..";

Then Badd pretended to be passed out in Garou's arms, just so he can peek on Garou's face. Spoiler: Garou knows it the entire time, but he let Badd enjoyed the scenery while he focused on running to hospital.

Imagine the off-duty Badd walking around the town together with Garou. Or going to family picnic with Zenko and Garou has to "keep on eye" on them (when in fact Garou just having fun together with them as it's just a false report for the Neo Heroes execs, Neo Heroes surveillance be damned).

Maybe somewhere in the future, Badd would finally releasing himself from Neo Heroes' grasp and decided to be vigilante, followed by Garou who rebelled against Neo Heroes since his loyalty is only for Badd. Noone can stop them as vigilante duo. Maybe at that point, one of them would confessed their feeling to the other and then they would become lovers, too..

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---- THE END -----

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Notes:

NO THOUGHT HEAD EMPTY, ONLY GAROU WEARING BODYGUARD SUITS *hyperventilated* 😍😩👌💗💘🔥🔥

This was totally self-indulged headcanon where I want short-haired Garou wears some formal outfits and being a Cool Looking Guy™ who is secretly as powerful as monster. I'm thirsty for any short-haired Garou contents (and also him being together with Badd), forgive me for this outrageously messy writing.. 😅🙏

But honestly, if Garou really showed up at Badd's door as his bodyguard that would be very hilarious lmaoo! Btw I wrote this at 4 AM and now it's already 7 AM by the time I finished, lol. Getting not enough sleep go brrr 😜

So, how was it, guys? Did you enjoyed it? I'm so sorry if it wasn't good enough 😳💦👉👈

@hiro-gari @the-goddessfighter @garous-nipple @jusqu-une-etudiante

Thank you so much for reading this headcanon, guts! I will try to fight off my writer's block and depression, hopefully I can get back on writing more stuff in the future. Wish me luck ✌😁

Have a nice weekend, guys! Love you all~ 😎😘💕💞💖💝🌸🌺🌼🌻🌷💐

-Little1993lamb-

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~Lilia:

Yessss dude I’m here for this!! Finally he’s got a job that suits him :’) And oh yeahhhh Garou dressed as a bodyguard 🥴 pleeease it would be such a look for him👌😩 bet he pops the collar a bit tho

I love how Badd is like ??hello these guys are scumbags, wtf are you doing, and Garou’s like 🤷 that’s why I’m here, duh. What a sweetheart agshsjsks

I irl clutched my chest when he got down on one knee!! awwwe 🥺💖 The fact that he went to such lengths has to speak for itself as well, I mean Badd knows how much he hates heroes, but especially morally corrupt ones with ulterior motives 🙄BROOO and Badd’s acting all professional and slightly suspicious and Zenko’s just coming out and telling Garou how it really is 😂😂 That’s perfect omg

I love this alternate webcomic version so much 💗 What happened to Badd is so heartbreaking 😓 so it’s very nice to see Garou’s using his mischievous tactics for good to help him get through it and support him 😩 *sobbing*

Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us!! It’s beautifully creative and sweet 💕💗💖😚 We love youu~

#ahhhhh webcomic batarou hits different agsjajsk #thank you anon this is so perfect!!#hope you got some sleep 😥#and I hope you are having the best day!! 💕#good luck and good vibes to you 🍀✨#batarou #garou #metal bat #opm #webcomic #spoilers #headcanon #submission #emoji anon

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beaversatemygrandma · 2 years

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Okay. The weirdly lucid dreams are back again. Thanks to not having a real social life for the past two years. I had one about my mom and somehow i woke up with that godawful feeling that i am just an awful person who can’t redeem themself. It genuinely felt like i had gone and visited her again and i left feeling like this overweight slob who cant do shit and I DIDN’T EVEN SEE HER. Like she stopped, mostly, doing that shit that just talks me down from literally everything once i moved out. I have been able to have rational adult conversations with her without walking away feeling like shit. But then this dream is like ‘hey remember this bullshit?’ and i wake up annoyed at the whole world. And ironically, i woke up to my dad yelling at my sister bc she hadn’t done the chore she was supposed to do like three days ago when it was manageable. So i just laid in bed for another hour and only came out bc i was hungry. Then once I’m out there, very much wanting to not be spoken to and just invisible, i’m the center of attention.

If i had my license like i should by now, today would’ve been a drive up to starbucks and get food and a drink to have while sitting in the parking lot so i could just be alone listening to music in the car. But no. Legal shit and not having time from others to help me get there is still in the way. Then again. I’m in the middle of a huge city now and finding a place to be alone outside of the house likely would’ve been hopeless. The streets would’ve been just as stressful. Like back home, the traffic during rush hour is just the norm here and then rush hour here is just stopped traffic. I can’t walk anywhere bc we’re in the center of the tanker truck and train stops and nothing is within walking distance. Either way, in the south here, it’s easier to get a legal gun than a legal car and I am proof of that. And that just frustrates me beyond reasoning bc you need one of those to live a normal life and the other is just useless without some very rare situations. I’m set for an apocalypse or a hunting trip. But I’m not set for getting a daily job. Like Fuck.

And then comes the continued worry of omicron. Like my dad is to the point of just not wearing a mask at all unless required and my sister is at school. There’s such an uptick in cases around here and there’s no tests available in the area. And I’m just here, still without a booster bc I’m scared to bring that up to my dad who’s now also antivax (WHEN DID THAT FUCKING HAPPEN???), and i just want the peace of mind of not getting dead. Really doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling fatigued and my ‘allergies’, if i can really call them that, are kicking my ass this past week.

I swear, all the things i want are so simple and i should be able to have them, but they’re just out of reach lately and it frustrates me so damn much. Like back to feeling like an overweight slob bc of a simple dream (she still sends me plus size shirts for xmas and my bday and whatever which is enough of a damn hint. but i’m only 140lbs. it’s not that bad.) I’d want to go for daily walks to get myself back to being active and maybe back to my normal weight. But I Can’t In This Area. It’s just barely outside of the most dangerous part of the city (There was a shooting just down the road within the past month.), there’s tanker trucks EVERYWHERE, and I don’t feel safe enough to just walk to the end of the street and back. I started doing yoga at night hoping that would help some. But all it’s done is relieve some back pain from sitting all day. Which is a plus, but why the hell do people think this is a cure-all for mental stress?? “I need to get to a psychiatrist and get medicated for my adhd and depression and maybe get tested for autism.” “Have you tried yoga?” Like FUCK THAT’s NOT A Cure. There’s so much wrong with me and i can’t figure it out. Now that I have insurance, i feel stuck and can’t go do that. I need to place an appointment for a driver’s test and see where that goes... I have a car. It’s insured and legal. It’s Mine. But i can’t fucking drive it. And now comes the thought if it’s really something wrong with me or just the fact that my needs haven’t been met... like ever.

I just want to get driving. I want to get a job and get enough money to leave the area and rent some small house in a tiny town in Appalachia. I want to feel okay enough to go back to doing things i like to do. But it’s Just Not Working. Like there was the idea of getting a job that was distanced. Where i could just work from home. Some customer service calls and a decent pay. But now the gov is like ‘no time for that we must watch you constantly. you are using your paid hours to sit at home and play with your pets.’ and they just ignore the fact that it made it so much easier to deal with all that stuff. I don’t want to go back to work at a place where i get paid shit to run around like a chicken with its head cut off and get verbally abused by the typical WASP woman for ten hours a day. But all my experience is currently is being a barista and server. And now there’s a two year gap in employment and i haven’t even started school again since i got fucked over money-wise by my aunt. At least i can make a mean coffee with the right supplies? What a bonus. /s

After all this shit has been going on and I’m realizing that nobody in this world understands simple statistics, I’ve been debating on that for a potential major when i finally get around to finding a grant. Then there’s my dad who literal doesn’t trust a stat major. And then i say something like ‘correlation doesn’t equal causation’ and then show him a whole damn math problem proving that there are things to worry about in this world, it gets blown off. I understand math. I understand statistics. I understand how to tell if sources are good ones or not. But no. I’m young. I’m stupid. I can’t understand anything. I’m 22 and unemployed so therefore im weird and dumb. I’m a gifted kid with extreme burnout and an unlucky dice roll in life. I’ve got god knows what going on in my brain other than the known adhd. If i HAD to self-diagnose, I’d add at least a couple other things to that. But then again, it could just be the depressing effects of living in a post-capitalist state with the Marxist warnings right in front of our faces. (fake capital. overworked. Everybody needs therapy. Shit’s not good for people. It’s good for the money.) I’m getting ads constantly for therapy services bc it’s KNOWN that this has been an issue lately. I want to try one out but then there’s evidence that most are just there to steal and sell your info. It’s just parasitic.

There is no ethical consumption under capitalism and it’s hurting. Now to figure out if it’s that guilt fucking me up or something chemically wrong with my brain or previous trauma unrelated to the capital bullshit. Idk what it is at this point and i can tell I’m not the only one going through it and my god that makes it so much worse.

I’m just going to keep the idea in my head that one day, maybe I’d be able to move to that cabin in the middle of nowhere with a friend and ignore the world’s problems for a while. We’ve been talking about doing that after i went on zillow to show them the old cabin my family owned (and now sold thanks to that one aunt), and other places in the area, and they’re just like ‘yes, get one of those houses and i’m in.’ And then we’ve been messing around with ideas for making a game and such and that’s so far the only escape from the world that we’ve got.

#*sighs*#taks speaks #i'm ready to start a goddamn commune at this point i swear #my problems/world problems. I can't tell the difference anymore #i wish the cabin was still in the family and I'm ready to do what my mom did when she got a divorce #and just dip out of the city and live up there #im ready to be sitting alone on the side of a mountain with dogs and that one person #but i couldn't afford that $160k it sold for and all the repairs it needed from never being updated past the 80s #and that 160k could've been a solid price to get me through college and set for life #but no #i cant get the things i was promised as a kid #my grandparents promised to put me through college and that promise got taken away once my aunt was in charge of the funds #bc she's a big shot lawyer and totally deserves the money to put her kids through private schools /s #when me and my mom were the ones forced to come to FL and take care of my granddad with no thanks #sure 6k is nice but what the hell will that get me when there was over half a million there to give??#it at least got me through the past two years ig #alright im done here #enough ranting #i wanted the fucking house. fuck 6k

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pervocracy · 4 years

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Let’s Fix Knives Out

I went to see Knives Out last night, and I want to say first of all, it’s a great movie. The plotting, performances, cinematography, art direction - all amazing. I highly recommend seeing it and I do not recommend reading the rest of the post if you haven’t. It’s a mystery with a lot of twists and it’s more fun unspoilered.

But I went to see it with another nurse, and she also loved it, but we both had some technical issues with a certain plot point.

MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW

KNIVES OUT SPOILERS AFTER THIS POINT

In the key scene of the film, Marta gives Harlan two IV medications, and accidentally switches them. (Fortunately for her, they had already been maliciously exchanged and she’s switching them back to the correct medications, but this only comes out later.) The medication vials are shown and the dosages are stated onscreen, so we know exactly what happened.

Harlan was prescribed 100mg ketorolac and 3mg morphine for pain after a shoulder injury. The ketorolac comes in a 30mg/mL concentration and the morphine in a 5mg/mL concentration.

Therefore, Marta should have given him 3.3mL ketorolac and 0.6mL morphine to deliver the correct doses. But because she switched them, she (supposedly) gave him incorrect dosages: only 18mg ketorolac, but 16.5mg morphine.

However, she exclaims in horror that she gaveit Harlan 100mg morphine. This is not possible; it would have required 20mL of solution and there wasn’t that much in the whole vial. Also, a 20mL syringe is gigantic and we don’t see Marta using one anywhere near that large. I think what happened is the filmmakers worked out how this med error could occur with the same number of milligrams, but disregarded the different concentrations, even though they’re clearly shown onscreen.

Some other problems with this scenario:

- 100mg ketorolac is too high a dose. A normal dose would be 30mg or at most 60. 100mg ketorolac isn’t likely to kill someone, but it’s not good for your kidneys. I give ketorolac a lot at my job and I’ve never given someone 100mg in one dose.

- Neither of these meds has to be given IV. Ketorolac can be given orally or as an intramuscular injection and morphine can be given orally or sublingually. There’s no reason to put the patient through the hassle/pain/risks of daily home IV injections.

- What doctor prescribed morphine for a week after a shoulder sprain so mild that Harlan doesn’t even need a sling? Even the ketorolac is probably overkill. Realistically he’d probably get an oral NSAID and maybe a muscle relaxant.

- IV morphine works fast. There’s no way Harlan would have ten minutes of full consciousness to work out a harebrained scheme with Marta. (Well, he didn’t really get overdosed. But there’s no way Marta would have seen his total lack of symptoms and not thought “maybe I didn’t OD him after all.”)

–

But fortunately, with the help of a fellow nurse, Epocrates, Allagash White, and a pink margarita cocktail described as tasting like “the opposite of cough syrup” and “a headache in a bottle,” I have fixed this! Here’s an alternate scenario I worked out:

- Instead of a shoulder sprain, Harlan is under hospice care for lung cancer with bone metastases. (This would also address some other plot issues: why he changed his will only a week earlier, and why he accepts death so readily.) This better justifies him being on morphine.

- He is prescribed 30mg oral prednisolone for airway inflammation, and 10mg oral morphine for bone pain. Both are given as liquids because as a late-stage cancer patient he has difficulty swallowing pills.

- The prednisolone comes in a concentration of 15mg/5mL, so his dose would be 10mL.

- The morphine comes in a concentration of 20mg/mL, so his dose would be 0.5mL.

- In switching them, giving 10mL morphine and 0.5mL prednisolone, Marta accidentally gives Harlan only 1.5mg prednisolone, but a whopping 200mg morphine. (or would have, if that dastardly Ransom hadn’t switched them)

- Normally, these two medications are dyed different colors. But Harlan has a food dye allergy so he has gotten a compounding pharmacy to make him clear solutions. He also doesn’t like the taste of the medications (which are both pretty awful), so he has Marta mix them in juice for him, obscuring any difference in flavor, consistency, or odor.

- Because he took the morphine orally, it’ll take longer to take effect, making it more plausible that he doesn’t just immediately pass out.

This scenario isn’t perfectly plausible and still requires a little reaching, but at least the math works out.

#knives out #knives out spoilers #spoilers #nursing #nurblr #dimensional analysis #fixing movies #long post

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lionheartslowstart · 3 years

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Depressive Episode

Ah the joys of Bipolar Disorder. In the last several months, as I have done more work on myself, I’ve begun to have more awareness of the various cycles of my Bipolar Disorder. I’m starting to notice not only when I’m in depression or in mania, but also when I’m on the descent, and on the ascent as well. I also do tend to have prolonged periods of stability, most likely due to my medication, which has been pretty fucking great. This past week I’ve started actually logging my daily moods and any symptoms I experience, to gain an even better understanding of my cycles. If I can anticipate dips, turns, and climbs, even in broad strokes, I can prepare for and handle my episodes better.

I haven’t had a major depressive episode since late March into early April of this year, though it was a long one, lasting about four weeks. The peak of it fell on April 2nd, when I had an awful breakdown resulting in me downing an entire bottle of Bailey’s (still proud of that tbh) and recording myself sobbing about how much I hated myself (and others). Things turned back around about two weeks later, and since then I have been relatively stable, with the occasional minor shift into light depression or low mania.

However, the time has come. But you know what, if it’s five months between major depressive episodes instead of one week, I’m not going to complain. (Hooray for medication and therapy!) A few days ago I started to realize I was on a downturn. I began to notice the little things: feelings of dread about starting classes, feelings of pointlessness and failure, the body dysmorphia kicking in after a few blessed weeks of absence, and even getting down on myself as a person, just a little bit. I had also taken a hiatus from yoga, after doing two intense courses back to back, so that probably didn’t help. It was on Wednesday, September 1st, as I was driving home from my boyfriend’s house, that I had the light bulb (uh-oh) moment: “I’m on the decline.” Not IN depression, per se, but certainly getting there. I’ll also note that, while I came to the conclusion I was descending on Wednesday, I had a series of interactions that previous Sunday that I believe may have contributed to the collapse of my fragile ecosystem. (It’s not something I feel comfortable writing about at the moment, though that may change.) It’s hard to know for sure, but I logged it in any case.

Yesterday morning, Sunday the 5th, after sleeping for about eleven hours, I woke up at 11 am (I normally wake up around 8 or 9). I was able to do my morning yoga right when I got up, and I’m very proud of that. But I quickly crawled back into bed and proceeded to lie there for another two and a half hours. By some miracle, I was able to force myself to shower, only because I had standing plans with some friends in the late afternoon, and then do a short grocery run, because I had been away for two weeks and literally had no food. (Also the grocery store is about two minutes down the street from my apartment.) But that was my whole day until my friends came over at 4 pm.

They were very understanding (not surprising), and said that if I needed them to leave they would, no hard feelings at all. I assured them that no, actually it’s very helpful for me to be around people when I’m depressed, at least, people I feel safe being myself around. And it did! Despite my being exhausted and depressed, my friends were able to make me smile and laugh, and I had a great time with them. They’re also not friends I get to see often, so seeing them is always a special treat in and of itself. Of course, after they left, the depression rushed back in and I was immediately drained, distraught, and empty again. Though that was to be expected, and I even told them as much when they first arrived. In fact, I was extremely fatigued all day, despite having three cups of coffee back to back. (When I told my boyfriend that, he was shocked. It’s amazing how entwined the body and the mind are.) I spent the rest of the evening at my parents’ house, not doing the tasks I had gone there to do, unable to get out of the guest bed, wallowing.

Today was not much better. I overslept (again), forgot to do yoga, did a few crosswords in bed with my mother on FaceTime (always the highlight of any day), took a shower, and had an early Rosh Hashana dinner with my family. It was nice, I always love spending time with my family. Though there was an undercurrent of melancholy and no small amount of strain on my part. I’ve been home since about 9 pm, and other than doing the yoga I forgot to do this morning (hooray), I’ve been lying in bed, alternating between writing and watching TV, with an inner monologue of self-admonishment. For what? I don’t know, whatever my brain can think of, I suppose.

As with most of my depressive episodes, the timing is poor, though perhaps, not surprising. After all, I did have a two-week phase of high mania, most likely due to my trip to LA, one of my favorite places on earth, immediately followed by a week-long trip to my boyfriend’s neck of the woods. Interestingly enough, that was my first real manic episode in a good while, again, probably pushed to a higher level by those prolonged external factors, so it makes sense that my brain would then ping-pong in the other direction before settling down again. My ascent into this recent mania was gradual as well. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction I suppose. I guess I just wish they had happened in reverse order.

As I was saying, the timing is poor. I started school this past Friday, and it will only be a week, MAYBE two, before we hit the ground running. I’m in the advanced program, and so the expectations are higher, and the onus is a lot more on us. Which, normally would be extremely exciting for me. But entering this environment at the top of a slide and heading down fast does not bode well...and this dread, of course, feeds the depression in turn. I feel woefully unprepared, empty, uninspired, hopeless, and aimless. (Oddly enough, I do not feel untalented. In fact, that’s one of the only things I’m certain of. I’ve been getting a LOT of positive feedback recently. But talent means nothing if the other elements aren’t there.) The one good thing is that the group I’m in is fantastic. Yes, they’re all younger than me, but a good handful of them are extremely professional, warm, and accepting. A couple of them already knew who I was and told me they’re excited to work with me! On Friday, several of us had the opportunity to get to know each other and to talk about some projects we might want to work on together. Assuming my initial assessment is correct (I really don’t want to jinx this), getting to work with these students will be a positive experience, so hopefully that will assist in my brain’s reclamation of stability.

I have begun to realize, even as I am writing this, that external factors actually seem to have great impact on my Bipolar Disorder. I suppose that makes sense, as I’m medicated, so my brain itself is more under control than it would be otherwise. While it isn’t flip-flopping on its own, it is still a Bipolar brain, and so perhaps is a bit more susceptible to being pushed in certain directions. Thankfully, again, due to the medication, my highs are not as high and my lows are not as low, though I absolutely do still have extreme days and episodes. (See last April and this past August for depression and mania respectively.) But they are not nearly as frequent as they once were, and I am so grateful for that.

In any case, I will have to take precautions now. I do not think I have hit peak depression. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow or a few days from now, but I know enough about myself and my illness to know the worst has yet to come. I don’t know when it will be, but hopefully soon and I can get it over with. I have begun opening up to “Thomas” about this, who has, as per usual, been nothing but supportive. I want to trust him fully, but it’s hard. I’ve allowed him to see bits and pieces, some fairly mild, some much more extreme. He’s never seen my depression in full swing, so this will be scary for me. But if my gut is right, I may not have much of a choice, as far as being vulnerable goes. At my absolute worst, my emotions overflow and I completely lose control of who sees what. At my absolute worst. So, fingers crossed. My parents are in the process of moving and cannot give me the support they normally can, so when I do need someone, I’ll have to turn to Thomas and my friends, all of whom I struggle to be fully open around when it comes to my mental illnesses specifically. (Not as a person, I’m only friends with people I feel totally comfortable being myself around.)

My intentions are as follows:

- Force myself to commute to school every school day, no matter what. If I have to leave early, I will. But it’s better for me to show up and leave than it is to not show up at all. (Obviously, I will use my judgment, and if I really must stay home, I will. I have a very unhealthy relationship with “cutting class,” but that’s a story for another day.)

- Open up to my friends and boyfriend more. I need to start trusting people again. I know, I know, it sounds counter-intuitive after everything that’s happened this year. But it’s important for both myself and my loved ones that I am more vulnerable and that I share all of myself with the people I love and claim to trust. The more people I am able to lean on, the more support I will have, and the easier this time will be for me to navigate. (And the less of a burden I’ll be on any one person.) Plus, I’ve had multiple people express to me that they WANT to be there for me in this regard, so I might as well give them that chance, and let them see me more.

- Be gentle with myself. I tend towards negative self-talk, especially in a depressive funk. I’m going to try to be kind towards myself, in both words and actions, while I’m going through this. I’m going to do my best to accept what my needs and limitations are without judgment or punishment.

- Rest. Depressive episodes take a lot out of me, honestly, probably more than manic episodes do. While it’s crucial that I get my work done for class (which will definitely be a challenge during this time), it’s also important that I indulge the fatigue, both physical and mental, and I don’t push myself too hard. School and fitness aside, I fully intend on lying in bed, watching TV, playing video games, and letting my mind go blank. There’s no point in pushing myself because I have zero energy in the tank. All pushing myself will do is make me feel even worse.

I don’t really know how to end this entry other than to say I’m disappointed that my embarkment on this “Bipolar logging” has started with a large-scale depressive episode. I’m also concerned that the episode’s arrival was timed so perfectly with the beginning of the semester. I know I’ll come out of it, but I don’t know when. I hope it’s soon, and I hope my brain can find a stable neutrality for a few weeks before the gears start to move again.

#bipolar disorder #bipolar #mental illness #mental health #mental health awareness #personal #depression #depressive episode

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queerchoicesblog · 4 years

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Living The Dream

So, folks: as announced, here the first chapter of a new story for the wlw writing project I embarked on. This one is set in the Sixties, the golden age of travel, and our main character is a Pan Am stewardess, one of the era’s most stylish job. I had fun writing this and I can only hope you will have too reading this!

Hope you enjoy it: if you do, please consider spreading the word!

__________________________

I like this time of the day. The in-between hours separating one day from another, the slow yet inexorable metamorphosis of night into dawn. Life seems to flow differently during these hours as if our bodies, used to be heavenly asleep when night comes, were forced to adapt to a new rhythm: sometimes it works, sometimes it's simply a poor mimicry of ourselves. The craziest scene happen during night shifts, after all, and I'm sure it's no coincidence. I'm not always lucky to be present to myself in moments like these. Most of the times I'm too busy to pay attention to the wonders of these dreamlike hours. I blow out the smoke of my cigarette: for once, I can. Sitting at a table on the cafe terrace, I look down to the stream of passengers moving beneath me. They wander like in a haze trying to make out the right direction to go. They're tired, jet-lagged: a kid is crying his heart out in the arms of his mother, causing a businessman nearby to sneer and speed up his pace to avoid such nuisance. A man is anxious, out of the blue he starts running probably cursing the little delay that slowed him: will he catch his flight? A group of foreigners is checking and double checking a map, someone is sleeping on a bench and a little girl is looking out into the night sky hypnotised by the tail lights of a plane flying away.

I like airports, their peculiar poetry. It's quite lucky since you could say they're my home. I still struggle to fully convince myself that yes, my dream did come true. Some nights I fear I'd wake up one day and find out it was all just that, a wild feverish dream, not my reality. Luckily, that day never comes. Mom and Dad fry eggs and bacon in a diner not far from Kansas City; my brother and I will always remember how tired they looked when they crawled back home but also how big their smile was when they produced a box of fries or a couple of milkshakes just for us. We both helped during the summer, wearing aprons and serving tables. They let us keep the tips and we spent them all in ice-creams and movies. Now I'm sure no costumer leaves without being told - maybe more than once and with great pride - that their daughter is now a stewardess of the Pan American World Airways. I still remember the day I received the good news: Mom cried tears of joy and even Noah dropped his tough act and pulled me into a tight hug, whispering how happy he was for me. My sweet little brother. Now at my parents' diner a picture is hung at the wall side by side with a framed stellar review by a local newspaper: Noah and I hugging each other and smiling to the camera in our favorite booth by the window. I'm wearing my dashing Pan Am uniform, he's in a brand new US marine attire. He was drafted one week after John F. Kennedy was shot, the picture was taken on our last family reunion around Christmas. Noah wasn't happy to go to war, he was scared. "I wish I could join you to New York and find a job in advertising maybe" he frowned when my parents were sleeping and we sneaked away to the back porch as we used to do as kids. Noah was good at drawing, the creative type. God knows how I would have loved to have him around, to keep me grounded and remind me of the reassuring warmth of sibling affection. To keep him safe. I moved to New York right after I got the job; Noah was still in high school back then, I had to go alone. They all promised to visit as soon as they could when we parted at the airport. And that's when my new life started. I was on my own in the big city, breathing in the wind of change. I wonder if that's how every girl feels when they leave their boring provincial town behind and make it big. I moved into a small flat downtown: not much, but big enough to contain all my hopes and dreams. The training supervisors were particularly strict and took so very seriously their duty to asses whether we were stewardess material or a lost cause. First, a medical evaluation then a grumpy lady would weigh us and fix our girdles: I wondered if I would have been able to breathe normally on a plane and I was not the only one by the look on the other girls' faces. The interminable daily classes on how to strip our face clean of makeup and start from scratch still haunts me just like the day I was told my hair weren't okay, an in-between length that didn't impress the ladies in charge: I had to choose between wearing a chignon or a wig. No way I would have gone for the latter! Our appearance had to conform to a certain code and I soon learned there are so many requirements to meet to be eye candy. But it wasn't all about our exterior, even if we were often reminded that our aim was to look runaway ready. The Pan Am stewardesses must have that savour faire that makes them unique, legendary. So aside from the standard training (what to say on board, what to do in case of emergency, first aid classes) I had to learn how to pour wine with that special twist of the wrist and pop champagne open without it exploding as well as how to cook and elegantly garnish certain menu dishes in no space. And I assure you, the standard for scrambled eggs in first class were so different from everything I had learnt at my parents' diner, even if the time I spent there gave me a head start. Once I completed my training, my career finally began. I was assigned to Us bi-coastal routes for the time being but I felt different already. People looked at me differently, especially when I walked through the Pan Am terminal in white gloves and my uniform designed by Italian stylists. The gleam of admiration and wonder in their eyes set my heart on fire: aside from my parents and Noah, nobody had ever looked at me that way before, not even my best friend. I take a sip of coffee and smile thinking back at my beginnings. Despite the hard work, I was constantly in a dreamy state of mind. A Pan Am stewardess made it to the cover of LIFE that year, I still have a copy of it. The journalist enthusiastically claimed that girls like me were not only icons of beauty and grace but also the peak of the femininity to come. "See these ladies? They're not just stewardesses, they're a whole new breed of women". I must admit that to some extent we are: we're so different from our mothers and the Angels of the hearth of the lady magazines. We wear heels and fine makeup, we speak several languages and see the world. We're emancipated and sophisticated: we are women of the world. My face didn't make it to LIFE but little girls and teens stop me and ask me tips, how can they be as elegant, as put together, what they have to do to land this job. They want to live the same dream. A little girl of five once asked if she could take a picture with me. I had some time left so I squatted down and placed my bowler hat on her head making her flash the brightest smile to the camera her father was holding. Before parting she handed me my hat and looked me right in the eye, whispering in awe "I wanna be like you when I grow up". And then she wrapped her arms around my neck in a grateful hug. I told the cute scene to my mother over the phone: she sounded touched and joked that she didn't know her daughter ended up being a starlet of the silver screen. "Remember us when you're famous, love" Dad added from another room. I missed them, I still do at times. But I would never go back: for the first time in my life I found a place where I truly belong here in New York. I met friends that could understand my hunger for more, to discover the world. I love the parks and lights at night, the buzz of the city that never sleeps. Most importantly, I love my job, even when I'm so busy all I do is hopping on and off planes, going back home, sleeping eating my breakfast and doing it all over again. No matter how hard I need to push myself to meet the Pan Am standards, I've always felt liberated, free here. As if this was what was meant to be, where I was meant to be all along. The day a gorgeous neighbor knocked at my door with a plate of freshly baked cookies and a charming, flirtatious smile on her lips, I had no more doubt. Here is where I was meant to be.

#wlw writing #wlw writing project #original work #wlw miniseries #lgbtq #sixties

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #356

“i’m just a painting that’s still wet: if you touch me, i’ll be smeared, you’ll be stained, stained for the rest of your life”

Have you ever used emotional blackmail to get your own way? WOW, no. What a starter. Has anybody ever used emotional blackmail on you? Not to my memory. Who did you last worry about and why? Honestly? Myself. My physical health just isn't very good right now. When are you next at work? Do you enjoy your work? N/A When was the last time you ate/drank something gross just to be polite? I'm not sure; I'm honestly very, very bad at this. I struggle big time hiding if I don't like something. Last time you heard a growl, who or what did it come from? My stomach. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? Never. Do you have a mouse for your laptop? (Assuming you have a laptop) I use a mouse. I'm not a big trackpad fan. Do you have the right time set on your microwave? Yeah. What is your most expensive bill? I don't have any bills that I pay myself, because I can't. Do you have a big yard? No. Is there someone you would love to punch right now? Myself lol. Does the water in your shower take a long time to get warm? Yeah, it does. Song playing? I have "Leave A Scar" by Marilyn Manson on. Are you tired? I'm always tired. If you had the power to instantly transform someone’s life (for the better), who would you choose to use this on? My mom. Her entire life has been so fucking unfair, and she doesn't deserve it whatsoever. Just one day of her being perfectly happy would make my entire life. You wake up to a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. Your family is safe, but most of your city is zombified. You need weapons and various other supplies. What is your first general course of action? I seriously cannot even begin to imagine what I would do besides panic and be one of the first to die, honestly. If a family member (or boyfriend/girlfriend, if you have one) happened to be infected by one of these undead creatures, how would you go about dealing with that situation? It would tear me to shreds, but shoot them in the head to hopefully prevent them from turning. I couldn't let them suffer. Does someone’s view on homosexuality affect how you feel about them in any way? Sure as hell does. How about someone’s view on religion? This one depends on what their beliefs entail and to what intensity. If you were paralyzed from the neck down, would you still want to continue living? Why or why not? NO. NO. NO. This is seriously one of my biggest fears. Just fucking kill me. That sounds like very legitimate torture to me. Has any medication you’ve taken ever made you sick? How so? Three, to my memory. When I started Latuda, it made me throw up semi-frequently, BUT its effectiveness made me stay on it. My body eventually adjusted. The same thing happened with my current mood stabilizer, Vraylar. I was also on another, Trintellix I think, and that one did nothing but consistently make me puke, so I stopped it. Would you ever consider being a foster parent? No. Would you rather drink alone or with friends? With friends. Do you have too much time on your hands? WAY too much time. And yet I do nothing productive with it. Have you ever thought about hurting someone? Not seriously, no. Do you thank people for helping you? Always. Have you ever seen a zebra up close? Yeah, a few. Do you freak out if you see blood? Nah, it doesn't bother me. Have you ever complained to a manager about anything? What was it? No. Are there any songs that make you feel angry inside when you hear them? "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White makes me feel that, among a thousand other emotions that are way too strong for me to handle, so I just don't listen to it. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? YIKES, no. Are you in an argument with anyone right now? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Numerous times. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? I think only my grandmother has done that. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. (: Have you friended your parents on FB? I have my mom on there, but Dad doesn't have a FB. Where do you go out to eat for a special occasion? It depends on what we're in the mood for and what the occasion is. When someone sneezes, do you say “Bless you,” or “God Bless you?” Just "bless you." Have you ever seen the movie A Walk to Remember? Cliche or worth watching? Yeah, it's a wonderful movie. Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? House. Are you one of those people who like to spell out numbers? Grammatically speaking, any number below ten should be spelled out. I obviously spell out "ten," but w/e. Did you or do you still have a Furby? Was/is it annoying? I did as a kid. It didn't annoy me then, but as an adult I know they're creepy as shit lol. What's one event your town has that you don’t like to participate in? I don’t participate in any town events. Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouse’s names? Yeah. There's Nick, Josh, and Franky. Do you know how to sew? What's your favorite thing to sew? No. Have you ever owned a turtle? Did it ever bite you when you owned it? It's so awful looking back on, but my sisters and I kept a box turtle that wondered into our yard once as kids. No proper husbandry or anything; it was just in the kiddie pool. Thankfully, we were smart enough to not actually keep it forever (or rather, until it probably died from improper care); we wound up releasing it into the pond near our house, from which we assume it came from. Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I do; it comes with the Adobe photography bundle I have. I definitely don't use it daily, or even weekly. Has your school ever had a lockdown? If so, for what reason exactly? No, only drills. Do you enjoy it when your school has drills? (ex/fire or tornado drill?) I didn't, no, because I didn't like imagining the real situation. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? I'm an adult, for one. But anyway, I've never watched shows they'd have a problem with. If you have any pets, how would you describe their personalities? The cat, Roman: very, very affectionate, boisterous, demanding, playful, smart as fuck, and shy when it comes to strangers. The snake, Venus: curious, chill, and a bit timid. Do you have any friends that own a private lake? Not to my knowledge. Do you have a drone? No. Who is your favorite comedian? It was John Pinette, but following his death, probably Gabriel Iglesias. Where were you the last time you stayed in a hotel? I think at a dance competition? Do you know anyone with Crohn’s disease? Yeah. Out of all of the shows, movies, and books you love, who is your OTP (one true pairing)? Probably Spyro and Cynder from The Legend of Spyro trilogy. I love them. But I honestly don't have like, intense OTP feelings for any fictional characters? No real reasons, I just don't. Rhett and Link are my *true* OTP haha, but I didn't know if they counted since they're obviously real. Have you ever written a fanfiction? Did people actually like it? Nah. Have you ever liked playing dollmakers or online dress-up games? OH MY GOD my little sister and I would do that together ALL the time. Have you ever sent any celeb fan mail? No. Have you ever gotten a serious injury at school? What happened? No. Do your pets follow you when you walk around the house? Oh yes, he's my shadow. What was the very first social media site you signed up for? Myspace. Are you the type of person who knows exactly what they want in life? I mean, I know what I want, I just don't know if it's achievable for me. Do you have commitment issues? Nope. If you were to start a business, what kind would it be? I'd love to have like my own facility for boudoir photography. I've only shot boudoir once, but it immediately became a passion because of how empowering it was for my then-friend. I could go on a real ramble as to why I love it. What’s something you’ve done that sounds too crazy to be true? Been to psychiatric hospitals like six times. I honestly did lose count. Are there any flowers planted outside your house? No. What was the last thing you drank? Water. Truly incredible, I know. What’s the weirdest decoration you’ve seen in someone else’s home? *shrug* Did you have your own bathroom when you were growing up? No. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad and his wife. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? That dinosaurs never existed. What was the very first election you voted in? This past one, actually. Do you feel positive and optimistic about your future? I don't want to think about this. What exes do you still associate with? Just Sara and Girt. Who told you they loved you last? My mom. Your worst enemy? I don't say I have any enemies. People who don't like me or I don't like them, but "enemy" isn't the proper word. What was your last dream about? Ugh. What a fucking question to ask, considering what I dreamt last night. I had both a nightmare and a normal dream; in the nightmare, I was sucked up into a tornado and carried away, and it felt so, so real. I was terrified. The dream is more vague in my memory, but I know I was at Jason's house (which wasn't actually his house) and his mom was still alive. I was hanging out with her and just chatting. It made me wake up in a really somber mood. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Psych hospitals, yes. Have you ever built a snowman? Yeah. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Chocolate. Do you have any scars? I have a lot, but most are from negligible instances that just won't go away for some reason. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? Putting all impossibilities aside as well as any potential health repercussions, maybe a meerkat and an opossum? Just in general a meerkat with a marsupial tail would be SO cute. Plus imagine the pattern. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? Oh I don't know. Can you do any accents other than your own? I can pull off a really convincing British one. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. No. I just get clean, get out. I've always hated showering (the process anyway, I obviously enjoy feeling clean), so I get my business done adequately and then I'm done. Do you believe in aliens? Eh, maybe. It does seem pretty questionable to believe NOTHING else can exist in an infinite space. I doubt they're little green men, though. What do you think about babies? WAY too much work and WAY too much responsibility. Keeping another life safe, healthy, happy... the idea alone is terrifying. No thanks.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''leave a scar'' by marilyn manson

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