you were raised in comparison.
it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.
you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.
you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.
what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.
it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.
you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.
you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?
a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.
you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.
it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.
something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.
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"there could be two beds and they will still only one bed trope their way into your heart somehow" exactly! gojo doesn't know what personal space means at aaaaaaall
satoru wouldn’t know the definition of personal space if it smacked him in the forehead, he needs to be close all the time always.
the “actually, there are two beds” trope with him is so funny esp in a f2l setting because for every night of your trip, he finds some excuse to be in your bed instead of his. actually, he would give up rooming by himself on a group trip if it meant he got to share a room with you, because he’d find a way to share a bed with you.
the first night, he dumps his entire suitcase on his bed, then showers, and you’re asleep by the time he comes back. and now he’s clean and moisturized and he wants to go to bed and oh no! all his stuff is still on his bed! guess he’ll have to share with you for tonight 😇
the second and third nights he fakes having a nightmare to crawl into your embrace, and then feeling sick so you’ll coddle him to sleep.
the fourth night, he showers first and falls asleep on your bed instead of his. you’re the respectful one who takes his bed instead, but ofc he wakes up once you’ve fallen asleep to slide in next to you, and when you groggy and confused he just hushes you back to sleep with a cheeky, “you were in my bed, don’t worry about it.”
the fifth night, he turns the AC all the way up and says you “looked cold” so he “came to cuddle you” while you were asleep.
he could find an excuse for every single night as long as you share a room together, but the moment you invite him in, ask him, “satoru, do you wanna share?” his brain short circuits and his face goes all red and you offering does bad bad bad things to him and now he actually has to sleep in his own bed because this is gonna keep him up all night
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