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donald4spiderman · 3 years

Note

Ok hear me out. Spencer is dating Reader and she’s always hated that she’s been more chubby/curvy. And one night in the middle of a case she calls him crying and Spencer just gets really soft and calms her down after a bad nightmare. And his heart breaks cause his loving girlfriend hates her body. So Spencer plans this elaborate date and proposes maybe? You can decide if the team have met her or not. I’d like it to be the original team but if you wanna combine the original and new teams together that’s cool too!

no bc my body image issues have been rampant lately so this is personal as hell to me. I work out a lot and i’m fit but i’ve never been SKINNY like i have thick legs and muscular arms andnnfnfjndjnffn so this is personal.

I modified this a bit but it’s still the same premises hope you like it! ***BTW IN THIS UNIVERSE THE S3-7 CAST EXISTS FOR THE ENTIRE SHOW— SO THE LATER SEASONS HAVE MORGAN AND HOTCH.

also sorry this is a long

TW: body image issues, discussions of food & weight, insecurity, crying, kissing

WC: 1.5k

You know, pragmatically, that you have nothing to worry about. Spencer chose you. And for the past four years, Spencer has worshipped you every day— again and again. He is the most loving, considerate, and tender partner you could ever wish for. He is near perfection.

You’ve met Spencer's friends many times. You’re not close with either of your parents, so the team of profilers welcomed you into their arms with grace and care. Each and every one of them is beautifully amazing and exceptionally brilliant.

Spencer‘s friends are not only badass, but they’re also gorgeous. JJ, Emily, and Garcia are national treasures— so visually stunning it’s almost sickening.

You knew he used to have a crush on JJ way before he met you. You’ve also heard the tale of Lila Archer, the celebrity actress who made out with your boyfriend in a pool. Spencer’s had an eventful life, full of beautiful, sweet, magnificent women— so why does he choose you?

You view yourself as bland in comparison. What do you have to offer Spencer that he can’t find elsewhere? You don’t have toned abs, slim hips, and slender arms. You’re not striking in any way.

Spencer calls you every night when he’s away on a case. He’s never missed a call, even when he got shot in the neck and kidnapped by a murderous cult. He’s reliable and consistent, and that eases your worries a little bit.

It’s eleven pm in D.C. and your phone rings right as your getting in bed.

“Hi, my love,” Spencer says breathily, his voice slightly muffled by the phone. He’s away in Ohio for a case.

“Hey.” You reply, the sweetness in his voice soured by your mood. “How’s the case going?”

“Good. JJ and I are about to pass out in our beds— we’re so tired.”

You can’t help the way your face drops. “Oh. Well, get rest.”

Your about to hang up before he interjects. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Why?” You know better than to lie to your boyfriend, who happens to be an expert on human behavior.

“Okay, I know a lie when I hear one. (Y/N), baby, what’s wrong?” He pleads.

You can’t help the tear that rolls down your cheek. “God, I’m sorry. I just miss you so much. You always know what to do when I’m feeling like shit.”

Spencer knows how much you struggle with self and bodily acceptance. He hates the world for making you feel anything less than incredible, both inside and out.

“I miss you too, so much, (Y/N).” His voice is thick as if he’s going to start crying too. “I love you so much, so fucking much. You have no idea how beautiful and amazing you are.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” He laughs through a sob that wrecks his body. “You deserve everything in this world. I promise to give you everything you’ve ever wanted. You are the love of my life.”

You wipe the tears from underneath your eyes. “Sorry for keeping you up. You must be tired.”

“Never, if it means I get to talk to you.”

“I love you, Spencer.”

“I love you too, (Y/N). More than you’ll ever know.”

Spencer wakes up the next day with a newfound determination. The team solves the case as fast as possible, and by the end of the night, they’ve boarded the jet back home.

Spencer has more than enough hours to think about you and how much you mean to him. Hotch is seated directly across from him, rereading the case files.

“Hotch?” The wiser man looks up from his files, raising an eyebrow.

Spencer pauses for a moment. Maybe he’d be better asking Morgan or JJ for advice, considering Hotch’s tragic circumstances regarding Haley.

But no one loves like Hotch does-- sincerely, passionately-- stronger than anything else in the world. Spencer decides there’s no one better to ask.

“How uh did you know that Haley was the one?”

Hotch’s eyes soften for a bit. He clears his throat. “I knew since the day I met her that I would love her for the rest of my life unconditionally. She makes me complete. Do you feel that (Y/N) makes you complete?”

He already knows why Spencer is asking for his advice, steering the conversation in that direction.

“Yes. She’s my world.” Spencer whispers.

“Then it’s simple, really. Love doesn’t need to be complicated and precise. It’s what you do with it that matters.”

“I want to marry her, Hotch. I want to be with her for the rest of my life.”

Hotch smiles, “Then do it.”

Spencer feels the rush of excitement as he gathers everyone on the jet, including the prior sleeping passengers, filling them in on his big plans.

“I need all of your guys’ help.”

There’s a firm knock on your door at four in the morning. You know it isn’t Spencer because he has a key, but who could it be?

You take a cautious look out of your peephole to find Penelope, Emily, and JJ outside.

“What are you guys doing here?” You yawn. “For god's sake, it’s four am.”

“We know, and we’re sorry.” Penelope smiles.

“Is Spencer alright?” You ask, wondering if things suddenly went wrong during the case.

But by the joyous look on their face, you know nothing somber occurred.

“Spencer’s completely fine. But, we need to you to get changed and come with us. FBI’s orders.” JJ chuckles.

You change into warmer clothes in minutes, and the BAU ladies usher you into Emily’s car as fast as possible.

“So, no ones gonna tell me what’s going on?”

They shake their heads, “We’re just... running a quick errand.”

After a few more minutes of driving, Emily parks on the side of a dimly lit street.

“I need you to put this on.” She says, holding up a blindfold.

“Are you guys gonna murder me?” You joke, slipping the fabric over your eyes with little resistance.

“Quite the opposite, actually.” You don’t have time to think about what Penelope means before you’re being yanked out of the car.

You walk, guided by JJ, for four minutes. The grass beneath you crushes below your boots, and the hushed whispers of Emily and Penelope behind you do nothing to calm your nerves.

“Okay,” JJ says, halting to a stop. “You can take off your blindfold now.”

You hesitantly slip the blindfold off, revealing a brightly lit table in the middle of a secluded field. Morgan, Hotch, and Rossi are standing off to the sides.

Suddenly, Spencer emerges from behind a tree, dusting the leaves and dirt off his adorable sweater.

“Hi?” You laugh, utterly confused by this situation. “What’s going on?”

His hands are shaking, and he has to swallow a few times before he can speak. “I-I uh got y-you apple pie— uh your favorite.”

Spencer walks you towards the table, where a small slice of warm pie sits lonely on the table.

“Y-you should um... eat it.” He urges, pointing at the knife and fork next to it.

You glance around, trying to gauge the emotions of everyone around you, but fail. Stupid profilers and their poker faces.

Your fork cuts into the heavenly smelling pie, and you scoop up a bite into your mouth.

“It’s... good? I’ll pretty much eat any pie you give me, Spencer.”

He smiles, “I know that. But t-this is a special pie.”

“Okay...”

“You should t-take a closer look— at the pie.”

You inspect the dessert, completely puzzled until a glinting piece of silver catches your eye. Spencer notices the shock in your face and catches the plate that almost falls out of your hand.

Morgan hands him a napkin, and when Spencer pulls an apple-covered ring from the slice of pie, you almost faint.

“No way.” You gasp; tears spring to your eyes as Spencer wipes the ring clean.

He holds it tightly between two fingers, bending to kneel on one knee.

“(Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N), I knew from the moment I met you that you were the most special woman I’d have the pleasure of meeting. A month later, you asked me out for our first date, and I couldn’t believe that someone as gorgeous and amazing as you would settle for someone like me.” You scoff at his humility.

“I spend every moment loving every part of you, (Y/N). None of my love will ever stop— ever. I promise to share my heart with you until the very end. There is absolutely no one I would rather be bonded to for the rest of my life. You are better than my dream girl because you’re real. You’re here, and you chose to love me every day— the good, the bad, and the ugly. (Y/N), will you do me the honor and great privilege of allowing me to become your husband?” You silently sob.

“Please say yes.” Spencer smiles.

“Yes!” You exclaim, pulling him up to hug him. “How could I say anything but!”

The dam breaks, and the entire team begins to cry as you and Spencer share a passionate kiss, almost collapsing down onto the grass from the sheer force of your love. He slips the ring onto your finger; it belongs there.

“I choose you, (Y/N).” He repeats.

“I choose you, Spencer, always.” You whisper into the crook of his neck.

Nothing’s ever felt so right.

#spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #sub!spencer #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #dr reid #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds smut #spence #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fanfic

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love-and-monsters · 3 years

Text

Alaris the Naga

Agender naga X GN reader, 6872 words.

You need a date for your workplace party, but the only person you can find is your roommate, a somewhat shy naga. Well, surely faking a relationship with them won't spark anything. Right?

You fixed your hair, carefully combing the short strands into some vague approximation of neatness. A cowlick poked up at the back of your head. You fiddled with it again and again, trying to drive it back down.

“Here. Let me.” The voice that came from behind you was soft, almost melodic, the sort of voice you would expect from someone who used their voice to make a living. Your housemate placed their hands on either side of your head, tilting it slightly. The touch made something in your chest stutter.

“Did you sleep on your hair funny?” they asked. Their voice was perfectly casual as they snagged a spray bottle from the sink and wetted your hair. Their voice was always infuriatingly casual when they touched you. Did they have to work as hard to keep it steady as you did?

“Something like that,” you said. Fortunately, you’d had enough practice, so your voice came out casual and unconcerned. “I fell asleep on my desk.” Their fingers smoothed your hair back into alignment. You weren’t sure whether that shiver that worked its way down your spine was due to the cold water dripping down your scalp or due to their touch alone.

They tutted. “Never mind your hair, you’re going to wreck your back sleeping like that! Your bed’s only three steps away from your desk. Surely you can make it there before you pass out.”

Despite the teasing words, you could detect the genuine concern that undergirded their voice. “I wasn’t intending to pass out. It was just that there was a lot of work and I-”

They sighed, somehow making it loud enough to overcome your words. “I keep telling you to take a break from all that! Good lord, you spend ten hours a day at the office and then you bring it all home with you anyway.”

You rolled your eyes. “We can’t all be our own boss, Alaris.”

“Hey, it’s not all fun and games, managing my own job. You know how hard it is to get deadlines done? I know the guy who sets them, and they’re full of shit.” Alaris petted the back of your head a couple more times. Was it to smooth down your hair some more? Just to touch you? A casual action with utterly no hidden motives that you were overthinking? Who could say.

“Look, in a couple of weeks, we’ll be done and we’ll have a big ‘end-of-season’ party, and then we’ll all be good.”

“I hope you’ll actually take some time off after that,” Alaris sighed. The took you by the shoulders and turned you to face them. Their nails were long, scratching slightly at your arms. You could feel the cool sensation of their scales even through your dress shirt. “Take a break. I’m always worried I’ll go into your room and find you on the ground, your body finally having given out under the strain.”

“I’ll be fine,” you said. “I get a full three hours a night. You don’t need to worry.”

Alaris huffed and waved their hand at you. “Just take care of yourself. Maybe once this is all over you can actually make the time to be a guest on my podcast.”

Their podcast was massively popular online, and the main source of their income. There was often some teasing that they could sit at home in their pajamas all day, chatting to a microphone, and make pretty much the same amount of money you did. Then again, you weren’t entirely sure you wouldn’t go insane if you had the same lifestyle, so you weren’t all that jealous.

“We’ll see,” you said. “I really do have to go, though. I’ll see you later.”

They waved and you snagged your work laptop before heading out the door. It was a bit of a jog to make it to the bus stop.

As soon as you sat down, your phone buzzed in your pocket. You sighed, fishing it out, but instead of an impatient text from your boss, there was a message from Alaris on screen.

A: You forgot to eat breakfast! ☹

A: Do you want me to bring you something? I can swing by your work real quick.

You smiled at their sweetness. They were always ready to do some kind thing for you.

Y: Don’t bother. They’ll probably have granola bars in the break room or something. But thank you.

A: Are you sure? A granola bar isn’t exactly a filling breakfast.

Y: I don’t want to take up your time.

A: I work from home, remember? I can do whatever I want.

Y: Are you using me as a way to procrastinate?

A: Busted. But I can still bring you something?

Y: No. Get your work done.

A: ☹

The texting conversation took up enough of your commute so by the time you received the last text, you were ready to disembark. You walked inside the office, giving a quick wave to your coworkers, and sat down at your desk.

As it turned out, you didn’t get the opportunity to eat anything once you were at work, because you were immediately drowned in a tidal wave of work. When you finally surfaced, it was nearly five hours later, and your stomach was growling wildly for something to eat.

Exhausted and bleary-eyed, you stumbled into the tiny break room and grabbed a granola bar at random. You took a bite and grimaced. Raisins. Gross.

One of your coworkers, a tall satyr with a tidal wave of curly hair, stepped into the room. “Hey, Sadie,” you said, rubbing a hand over your head. “How are you doing?”

“Tired. Just like everyone else.” She slumped into the seat across from you. “I’ve been trying to plow my way through the work I’ve got so I can get out early and actually change into something nice for my date.”

You stared at her. “You decided to go on a date now? Why would you do that?”

Sadie gave you a strange look. “I’ve got to find someone to go to the end-of-season party with me.”

You almost choked on your granola bar. “You need a date for that?”

Sadie pulled a face. “I mean, you don’t need one, strictly speaking. But a bunch of people started talking about bringing one and it turned into this whole thing, so now I feel like I should bring one. You know, I don’t want to look like the only person who’s not dating.”

“How does anyone have time to date right now?” you asked. Sadie shrugged.

“I dunno. A lot of people are married, apparently. So. I’m going to get a date. I suggest you get one as well. It’ll look good for office politics and all that. And also, you won’t look like a loser who can’t get a date.”

“It’s not that I can’t get a date,” you huffed into your cup of gross break room coffee. “It’s that I’m just not trying.”

“Yeah, sure, everyone will buy that,” Sadie said. “Like I said, you don’t need one. But it’ll probably look good. It makes you look promotable, and not like a loser.” She caught sight of your expression. “Hey, look, I’m not fond of it either. Maybe you can just get someone to come for the night? Get an escort or something.” She stood and clopped out of the room, her hooves hitting on the linoleum floor.

You groaned and leaned over the break room table. Figured. Now you needed to juggle work with finding someone to go to an office party with. You briefly considered just not going, but your boss took these sort of events seriously, for reasons far beyond your comprehension. If going with a date was expected, then you were going to go with a date. You had not put in hours and hours of work just to not get promoted.

It was well past seven when you dragged yourself home. Alaris was bent over the kitchen table, fiddling with their laptop. They waved their tail at you in greeting, not looking up from their work. “Welcome back.”

You made a noise somewhere between a groan and a grunt in response. Alaris lifted their head. “Bad day?” they asked.

“Something like that.” You put your laptop back on its charger and slouched over to the table.

“I saved you some dinner,” Alaris said. “I can heat it up for you, if you want?”

“Thank you,” you said. “Alaris, you’re an angel.”

They puffed up their chest with pride as they slithered across the kitchen. “I’m just helping out. I mean, it’s not much more effort to cook for two, and I know how hard you’ve been working.”

“I promise, I’ll get you something nice with the bonus check I’ll get when this is all over,” you said without lifting your head from the table. There was a heavy thump that suggested Alaris was wagging their tail in pleasure.

“You don’t have to. Really, I’m just trying to be a good housemate.” There was a hum as the microwave started up. “Do you want to talk about your day at work?”

“Ugh.” You lifted your head and thumped it against the table.

Alaris slithered back over to you. “That bad, huh?”

“I mean, the work itself wasn’t bad. It was pretty much the same as normal.” You lifted your head. Alaris was looking down at you with obvious concern. They had always been particularly emotive- it was that sort of openness and charm that made them so popular.

“Then did something happen with your coworkers?” they probed. You grimaced. “Is that a yes?”

“You know, for someone who deliberately picked a job where you have no coworkers, you seem awfully interested in mine,” you grumbled. Alaris shrugged.

“Work drama is at least three times more fun when you’re not involved in it. Why do you think I keep you around? Perfect story fodder.” Alaris winked and you rolled your eyes. “Maybe it’ll make you feel better to talk about it? I can at least help you come up with solutions.”

“I’m pretty sure no one can help me,” you grumbled. “Sadie told me today that- well you know that office party?”

“The end-of-season party,” Alaris said. “I’m familiar.”

“Well, apparently, a bunch of people are bringing dates, so now the whole thing is basically a couples party. And my boss loves that sort of stuff, so it won’t look great if I don’t show up with anyone.” The microwave beeped behind you. Alaris ignored it. “So, basically, I need to find a date in the next two weeks while not falling behind on all my work. Which is basically impossible.”

“You’re looking for a date?” Alaris asked. There was something weird, almost strangled in their voice. You looked at them, but their expression was carefully blank.

“I guess. Not that I have the time or the energy for it.”

Alaris shifted, scratching their nails across the table. “I could, er. Try to set you up with someone? Possibly? I have a couple friends who live close by. They might be willing to help?”

You pulled a face. “Well, see, that’s the other problem. I don’t really want to go to the party with a stranger. We’re supposed to act like a couple, aren’t we? I don’t feel like I could do that with someone I don’t know.”

Alaris made a noise of amusement. “Have you ever heard the saying ‘beggars can’t be choosers?’”

“I’m not begging yet,” you said. “You’ll know when I’m begging.”

Alaris smiled and shook their head. “Sure. Make sure to eat your dinner before it gets cold again. I’m going to finish editing the next episode.” They settled back in at their spot at the table and slid their headphones on over their ears. You stood up and fetched your dinner from the microwave. It was good, as per usual. Along with their other talents, Alaris was a good chef, and they made sure you had something good to eat at all times. In terms of housemates, they were definitely the best one you’d ever had.

After you finished eating, you went back to your room and kept working on your work. At nearly midnight, Alaris knocked on your doorframe. “Hey. Are you going to bed anytime soon?”

“Soon,” you said, barely looking up from your laptop. Alaris made a soft noise of disbelief in their throat. “I’ll go to bed before three.”

“Go to bed now!” Alaris flicked the lights off. You groaned and hunched closer to your computer. “You’re not supposed to look at a computer screen with the lights off!”

“Then turn the lights back on!” you called back.

“Go to sleep!” Alaris slithered into the room and draped a blanket over your shoulders. “Go to bed. Your work will still be there in the morning.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m concerned about,” you groused. But the blanket on your shoulders felt irresistibly heavy and the weight went right to your eyelids. They drooped so much that you could barely see the screen. You yawned so widely your jaw cracked.

“Come on. To bed with you,” Alaris said. They took you by your shoulders, guided your out of your desk chair, and nudged you over to your bed. The feeling of their touch on you was comforting. A vague idea tickled at the back of your mind, but you were too tired to chase it down and interrogate it. “Get some sleep,” Alaris said. Their voice was far away. “You’ll feel better in the morning.”

As soon as your head hit your pillow, you were out like a light.

You woke with your head fuzzed and confused. Somehow, getting enough sleep had made you even more tired than staying up the whole night would have. Mumbling curses against Alaris, you struggled through as much work as you could manage before you needed to leave. Stumbling into the kitchen, you found a bagel suddenly thrust into your front.

“Eat this on the way to work,” Alaris said. They looked stern, but also concerned in equal measure. “And you have a good lunch, right?”

“You don’t need to fuss over me,” you said. “I’m not a child.”

“I’ll stop fussing when you learn to take care of yourself properly,” Alaris said. That thought from last night started to tickle at your brain again. It was still tiny, a little whisper of a thought, but it was stronger. You pulled at it, trying to turn it into something concrete. Before you could, Alaris nudged you toward the door. “Go on. You’ll be late for the bus if you don’t go soon.”

“Right.” You smoothed down the front of your shirt. “I’ll see you later.”

Alaris waved as you headed out the door. Even as you headed toward the bus, you kept chasing after that little thought that was somehow escaping your full attention. It felt important. What was it?

A few hours later, you were slumped over the break room table, Sadie looking at you sympathetically. “Did you not get enough sleep last night?”

“I got sleep,” you said. Sadie snorted.

“Look, man, you gotta go to bed at a good time. If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything,” she said. You shoved your head up with a groan.

“I actually went to sleep at a reasonable time last night. Alaris practically bullied me into it. But I think I felt worse than ever when I woke up.” You muffled a yawn into your hand and slurped down some coffee so thick and strong it was practically pudding.

“Oh, yeah, that happens. Your body gets used to not getting enough sleep, so when you actually manage to get a good night’s sleep, it freaks out and decides it wants to catch up all at once. Trust me, I dealt with that a lot in college. Just down a lot of coffee and you’ll be fine.” Sadie took a sip from her own mug. “Alaris is your roommate, right?”

You nodded. “Yeah. We’ve been living together for… I dunno. A while. It’s a good thing we’ve got going. They’re willing to deal with a lot of my shit, so. I like it.”

Sadie nodded, giving a delicate snort. “Sounds like they’re better than my last three boyfriends put together.”

That thought that had been tickling around in the back of your mind shoved itself forward at full force. You blinked a few times, startled. “Wait. Say that again?”

Sadie narrowed her eyes at you in confusion. “Uh, I said Alaris seems better than my last three boyfriends? They’re, like. Taking care of you. If I didn’t know any better, I’d probably think you were a couple.”

“Cool,” you said. The thought was demanding your full attention. It would work, wouldn’t it? As long as alaris agreed, you couldn’t see why it wouldn’t work. “Thanks for the talk. I’m gonna get back to work.” You left the break room without waiting for an answer, leaving Sadie frowning at your back.

As it turned out, you got very little work done. The thought commanded your full attention. If Alaris said yes, it would work. But that was if Alaris said yes. What if they didn’t? It was sort of asking a lot, even with the positive relationship you had. Would they be all right with it? Would it be unbearably awkward? The concerns flitted around your head like bees, preventing you from focusing on any of the work piled at your desk.

When you returned home, a bit earlier than you had for the past few days, Alaris was sitting in their usual position at the kitchen table, peering at their laptop. “You’re home!” they said, looking up in surprise. “Dinner’s almost ready. You’ll actually be able to eat it fresh for once.” They glanced at your face and their expression fell. “Oh. You look worried. Did something happen? Are you all right?”

“Everything’s fine. I just couldn’t focus, so I decided to come home a little early,” you said. “Actually, I had something I wanted to ask you.”

Alaris shrugged. “Sure. Just let me finish dinner, then we can talk.”

Dinner was a quiet, anxious affair. You fidgeted the entire time. Alaris kept glancing at you with obvious concern, but they didn’t say anything. They just waited for you to be ready to speak.

Once dinner was cleared away and the plates had been taken care of, Alaris fixed you with a firm glare. “Is everything all right?” they asked. “You’ve been looking at me strangely all through dinner. Is something wrong?” Their expression became even more creased with concern. “Something with work? What happened? I can support you if you need-”

“Alaris!” You cut them off, raising your voice enough to be heard over their frantic speaking. They stopped, staring at you. “You’re getting ahead of yourself. I didn’t get fired. Nothing’s wrong. I just want to ask you something.”

Their expression relaxed and they rubbed at the back of their neck. “Um. Heh. Sorry. Then why do you look so nervous, then?”

“I’m just…” You realized that there was no easy way to explain this and just shook your head. “I’ll ask you what I want to ask you and you’ll see why I’m nervous,” you said with a laugh. Alaris looked confused, but they nodded, gesturing for you to continue. “So, you know that we’ve got that work party, right?”

“Yes,” Alaris said. “The one you need to bring a partner too, right?”

“That’s the one. Er, and I don’t have anyone to go with me.”

“I did offer to try and find you someone,” Alaris said. “But you said-”

“I said I didn’t want to go with someone I didn’t know. I remember. And that still holds true. But I kind of had another idea at work. It’s something Sadie suggested to me. Well, she didn’t really suggest it, but she said something that made me think-” You cut yourself off, trying to stop the rambling before it got started. “Ugh, I’m getting nervous. I’m going to just come right out and say it. Alaris. I want to take you to the party as my date.”

Alaris’ mouth dropped open. You could see the sharp tips of their canines.

“Not as my real date,” you said, hurrying to explain. “I mean, you’d be going to the party as my date, but it wouldn’t be real. It would be, you know. You’d be pretending to be my date.”

Alaris’ mouth slowly closed. You saw their throat bob as they swallowed. “Er. Uh. You, uh. Want me to go to the party with you?” Their voice came out more strangled than you’d expected.

“Well, yes. I know we’re not dating, but most people at work don’t know that and it would be easier to pretend to be dating someone I know than it would be to pretend to date someone I don’t know. I would totally make it up to you, do all the house cleaning for a week or whatever you want.”

Alaris just stared at you, eyes so wide you could see the whites all the way around. “You don’t have to say yes,” you added. The way they were looking at you was starting to freak you out. It looked more like you’d cracked them across the head with a two-by-four than asked them on a fake date. “I just thought it would be a good idea- but if it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want to.” Alaris was flushed, red spreading across their face at a rapid pace. But they looked at you steadily regardless. “I- I was surprised, is all.” They swallowed and their blush started to recede down their face, though their ears were still bright pink. “Are you sure you want to ask me?” they added. “I am a podcaster. There’s a reason I don’t have an office job myself. Social interaction is… well, it’s not exactly my forte.”

“I really can’t think of anyone else I could be in a relationship with,” you said. The blush, which had been steadily going down, flared back into full force. It was probably a good thing Alaris wasn’t drinking anything, as it probably would have ended up spewed across the table. “I mean, I could, er, convincingly fake a relationship with.” Was that better? You weren’t sure. “So! You’re, uh. You’re okay with this?”

Alaris lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug. “I do have a request to make in return.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

Alaris leaned across the table toward you. “I want you to finally be a guest on my podcast.”

You stared. “What, that’s it? Are you sure? I’m not exactly the most interesting person alive. I don’t think I’d make for a very good episode.”

“I’ve told my audience a lot about you. They’re curious. I think they’d be thrilled to finally get to speak with you. Or just to hear you speak.” Alaris smiled encouragingly at you. “That’s my price. Take it or leave it.”

“I’ll take it, I’ll take it,” you said, reaching across to shake their hand. “But I think I should still take you out for dinner or something.”

“If you want to,” Alaris said. They straightened up fully, their snaky tail wriggling underneath them. “Just let me know what I should wear.” They slithered out of the room, leaving you slumped over the kitchen table with relief.

It was a couple more weeks before the party, but you found yourself looking forward to it, strangely enough. The idea of going with Alaris was actually an appealing one. Even if parties weren’t your thing, at least you would be guaranteed to have a good time with someone you liked.

On the eve of the party, you dressed in a formal dress shirt and nice pants and knocked on Alaris’ door. “Are you ready to go?” you called. “You’re not going to stand me up, are you?”

“That might actually be a good cover story,” Alaris called back. “You had a date, but they stood you up. Might be able to play on their sympathy.”

“Are you trying to get out of this?” you asked. “It’s not going to be that easy. Back out now and you’ll never get me on your podcast!”

Alaris gave a series of giggly snorts. “A fate worse than death! I’ll be out in a minute.” There was some rustling and shifting from behind the door and then it creaked open. Alaris emerged from the room, head ducked shyly.

They were wearing a white shirt with a few glimmering buttons as accents. A skirt-like piece of clothing was attached to their waist, held up with a particularly fancy belt that glistened with gold bangles. Apparently, particularly nice belts were popular fashion statements among nagas. They also wore a small golden hoop on one of their ears, and their hair was teased up to look even more fluffy and soft than their natural style. “Is this the right style?” Alaris asked, smoothing down the front of their shirt. “I don’t go to many office parties, so I’m not sure what the dress code it.”

You opened your mouth to reply, but found it strangely dry. You had to swallow a few times before trying again. “Yes, I think you look great.” Alaris smiled, looking flattered. You offered them your arm, trying to recover. “We, uh. We should get going.”

Alaris’ fingers were cool on your arm as you headed out to the car you’d called. Usually the bus was cheaper, but you’d decided to splurge a little bit. Also, riding the bus could be uncomfortable for someone without legs, and the car specifically had accommodations for nagas.

You found yourself jittering as you headed toward the party. Alaris rested one of their hands on your elbow. “We’ll be fine. I’m sure that we’ll be able to convince them,” they said. You found yourself leaning into their comforting touch.

“You think you can convincingly act as my partner?” you asked, anxiety leaking into your voice.

“I-” Alaris’ expression flickered for a moment, then their smile returned, though it didn’t quite reach their eyes. “I think I’m a pretty convincing actor.”

Their confidence reassured you, and you leaned against their shoulder as you headed toward the party. Nerves still jumped in your chest, but Alaris kept a gentle hand on you, grounding you.

When you reached your office, you could see a few people milling around outside. Pretty much everyone was partnered up, including one couple off in a corner who seemed to be trying to eat each others’ faces off. You nudged Alaris and pointed them out.

“I guess if we really get tired of trying to mingle with people, we can just go to a corner and start making out.” Alaris made a choked noise and their face burned bright red. They looked so taken aback by it that you found yourself blushing as well.

“Uh, never mind. Let’s go inside.” You slipped out of the car and waited for Alaris to follow you. As soon as their full tail was on the ground, you started to walk toward the building, only to have your arm seized. “What? Something wrong?”

Alaris laughed at you, though it was so gentle and affectionate that you didn’t feel embarrassed. “You’re really not good at this, are you?” they said. “We should be walking in together, shouldn’t we?”

“Oh.” You felt your face grow warm again. This time, you offered your arm to Alaris, who took it and allowed you to lead them into the party.

It was loud, a dull roar of voices that you found grating. Alaris snuggled closer to you, arms tightening on your own. “More people than I was expecting,” they murmured.

“I guess if everyone brought a partner, then the usual population of the office would be doubled.” You carefully dodged a couple of people, threading your way through the crowd.

It took less than five minutes to get cornered by a coworker. You recognized them vaguely, a human who worked as an office manager and managed to be relentlessly cheery at all times. “It’s nice to see you here,” he said, grinning at you broadly. “I didn’t think you were going to come, you know. Parties don’t seem like your scene.”

You forced a smile as large as his was. “Well, I’m not a big partier, but I thought the occasion was good enough to come out. And there’s no reason not to show off my partner.” You gave Alaris a gentle squeeze.

Greetings were exchanged, and you were introduced to your coworker’s partner, another human who was just as smiley as he was. By the time you disentangled yourself from the conversation, you were feeling exhausted.

“Okay, see, this is why I don’t go to parties,” Alaris murmured into your ear. “So much talking about nonsense.”

“It’ll only be a few hours,” you murmured back. Your mouth was close to their ear, you noticed, almost brushing their skin. That hot flush crept up your face once more. “Er. Do you want something to eat?”

Food ended up being your temporary saving grace, since it was difficult to carry on a conversation with your mouth full of snacks. Still, your coworkers stopped by every few minutes to engage you in some kind of chatter. Alaris, for all their protests, was much better at small talk than they appeared to be. They were also quite good at pretending to be your partner. One of their hands was constantly hovering at your waist, fingertips trailing over your clothes. You found yourself hyperaware of their hand on your side, the brush of their shoulders against yours.

When it became clear that food was no longer going to save you from conversation, you looked for some other escape. Soft, slow music caught your attention, and you looked around to see that a makeshift dance floor had been set up in the middle of the office.

You nudged Alaris in the side. “Want to dance?”

Alaris looked down at their long, sinuous tail, then back up at you. “Are you sure you want to ask me to dance?”

“I’ve seen nagas dance before,” you insisted. It was true that it resembled the sort of swaying motion that snakes did before a charmer, but it was still something. “And you can’t be any worse than me.”

“Now you’re being modest. I’ve seen you dance,” Alaris said.

“The two years my mom forced me to spend in ballroom dancing never really left me,” you said. “But that means I’ll be a good leader for you. Just follow me.”

Alaris rolled their eyes, but allowed you to take their hand and guide them onto the dance floor. There was an open spot roughly big enough for the two of you fairly close to the center. You lifted the hand that was clasped in Alaris’ and settled your other hand on their waist. They fumbled uncertainly with their free hand for a moment before resting it on your shoulder.

You kept the dance simple, a slow four-step that allowed you to move in a loose circle. Alaris’ tail trailed behind them, and you were a little worried it was going to get stepped on, but the people around you seemed to be taking care not to.

Alaris leaned closer to you as you danced. Their head lowered to your shoulder and their free hand shifted to your back. Your face started to heat up. You could feel your heartbeat jackhammering away in your chest. Surely Alaris was close enough to feel it, but they didn’t make a mention. They just leaned into your body.

You glanced over their shoulder to see one or two of the other couples on the dance floor pointing your way and making ‘aww’ faces. Was that why Alaris was doing this? Because they wanted to make your couple act more convincing? The idea struck you like a knife through your chest, a startling pain that made you gasp.

Alaris pulled their head back. Their eyes roved across your face with concern. “What’s the matter? Are you all right?”

“I-” Your face felt like it was on fire under their scrutiny. Why had the idea that they were just pretending made something inside you twist and burn? You had asked them to pretend, after all. But suddenly the idea that all this was a farce, it ate at you. “Hold on. I need, uh. Some air. I’m sorry.”

Alaris looked bewildered, but you broke away and stumbled off the dance floor. You heard them calling after you, but you ignored them. Instead, you stumbled over to the door to the back of the office and pushed outside.

Cold air hit you like a bracing slap to the face. You gulped it in, appreciating the clarity. Away from all the other people and Alaris’ concerned gaze, you felt like you could think again.

What was that? All of a sudden, you were feeling things that you definitely shouldn’t have been feeling for your roommate. For your friend. Where had this come from? Surely it hadn’t been there all this time? You would have noticed it. Wouldn’t you?

No, you realized slowly. Because it hadn’t been a sudden drop into feeling all warm and fuzzy. It had been a slow, subtle shift of your feelings over the months that you’d known each other. And now that you were looking back, in hindsight, you could remember how eager you’d been to come home to them. How you’d felt so fond of them trying to take care of you. How much you craved the touch of their hands whenever they tried to help fix your clothes or smoothed down your hair. And, you realized, you would never have asked them to come with you if you hadn’t had some feelings for them.

The sound of the door opening behind you made you spin around. For a moment, you prepared to make an excuse to a coworker and shuffle back inside, but Alaris slithered out and you stopped breathing.

What were you going to say to them? A bolt of fear struck you. You had only just figured out how you felt about them. Would they even feel the same way? Were they just here with you as a friend? Maybe they were just a good housemate. That was possible. Maybe they-

“Hey.” Alaris’ voice cut through the whirling frenzy in your mind, soothing you just a little. They folded their hands in front of them, swaying awkwardly on their tail. “Are you all right? I just wanted to check on you.”

“Uh. Yeah. I’m fine.” You rubbed at the back of your neck. “I’m sorry I worried you.”

“It’s okay.” Alaris slithered over to you. “Are you done with the party already?”

Their voice was teasing and you laughed. “I was done with it before it started. But no. I’m going to go back inside in a couple of minutes. I just wanted to get some air. Er, if you’re done with the party, though, you can go. I wouldn’t want to keep you-”

“And abandon you? Never!” Alaris said. The immediacy of their response made warmth swell and flutter in your chest. For a moment, you gazed up at them, trying to convey your gratitude with just your eyes. They stared back, a flush slowly creeping across their face. They swallowed.

“Thank you for coming with me.” Your voice came out quieter than you expected. Alaris’ blush grew stronger, but they kept looking at you steadily. “I- I know it must be uncomfortable to have to pretend to date me, but-”

Alaris burst into laughter. You startled, staring as their upper half sagged forward with the heaving effort of their laughing. After a moment, Alaris stifled their giggles and gave you a weak smile, though it still crinkled their eyes at the corners.

“Er,” you said, a little confused. “Are you okay?”

“It was just sort of funny,” Alaris said. They reached out and tweaked a strand of your hair that was starting to cowlick up from your head. You felt your face flame. “It’s…” They abruptly closed their mouth, their sharp teeth coming down on their lower lip.

You had never been good at the silent dance of unsaid emotions. Most of the time, you stood in blissful ignorance of how you felt, but once you were sure what you felt like, you wanted to get it off your chest as soon as possible. “Alaris,” you said. “I- well, okay, this isn’t the best time to say it, but I’ve never been good at not saying things. I think… I think I’m realizing that I might have feelings for you.”

Alaris stared at you. There was no readable expression on their face. You continued. “I- that wasn’t why I invited you to come with me. At least, not intentionally. But I think I’m realizing that I’m so comfortable around you because I think I do like you. I’m- I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I wouldn’t have asked you to fake date me if I really thought I had feelings for you, but I only just realized it and- what are you doing?”

Alaris had both hands pressed to their mouth. Their shoulders tremored with some sort of repressed emotion. You stared at them. It was so hard to make out their expression. Were they crying? Laughing? About to throw up? Oh, please let them not be blackout drunk- you did not want to have to repeat your confession.

Before you could ask if they were all right, they threw their head back and their peals of laughter echoed across the back of the office building. You blinked at them. “Sorry, sorry,” they said, putting a hand on your shoulder. “I- oh, this is very ironic and it’s pretty funny to me.” They wiped a few stray tears from their eyes. “I was afraid of going with you because I thought it would make you uncomfortable, but I couldn’t resist the idea of getting to spend time with you. Especially as a couple.” One of their hands came over yours and your breath caught as the implications sank in.

“You’re saying you wanted to come with me as a couple?” Your voice was embarrassingly unsteady. Alaris didn’t seem to mind, though. They just leaned their forehead against yours.

“I have had a crush on you since almost a week after you moved in with me,” they confessed. “Why do you think I kept trying to get you on my podcast? It was my very shallow, very transparent attempt to spend time with you.”

A relieved giggle burst from your lips. “Oh, my god. You’ve been in love with me the whole time and I just never noticed?”

“Give yourself a little break. You’ve been working yourself all but ragged,” Alaris said. “And I wasn’t exactly trying to be obvious about it or anything. But yeah. I get very domestic with the people I like.”

“I’ve noticed. I just thought you were being nice,” you said.

“Well, I was. I was just being nice only to you.” Alaris leaned closer to you. Their mouth was so close to yours. Impulse struck you and you leaned forward, pressing your lips against theirs.

Their mouth was a little dry and rough against yours, but it softened as they molded their lips against yours. Their hands came down, securing around your waist, and, to your immense surprise, they lifted you up. Instinctively, you wrapped your legs around their waist. They were a lot stronger than you were expecting, for someone who sat at a computer for a living.

Their tongue explored your mouth as they turned to press you against the wall. You had a brief flicker of concern that someone would come out and see you, but that dimmed as they pressed closer to you. A moan slipped from your mouth as they kissed you deeper.

After a few minutes, or a few hours, or some other strange length of time, Alaris broke away from you. You took a deep breath. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Are you sure?” Alaris asked. “I thought this was important to your job.”

“Fuck my job,” you said. “I want to spend time with you. Just the two of us.”

Alaris laughed and set you back on the ground. “Ooh. You know, if we’re dating, you have to come on my podcast now.”

“Fine, fine,” you said. “But not tonight. Tonight, I want to try some things that would not be allowed to go to air.”

Alaris grinned, took your hand, and started to pull you back toward the parking lot.

#exophilia #naga lover #naga #fake dating #fake relationship #monster lover #reader insert

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bookwyrminspiration · 3 years

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is it still council-hating hours? even if not, this is something that's been bothering me for....so long. and i am going to explode if i don't say it right now. (In fact i actually have a doc titled "council incompetence rant" that is. getting a little long.)

One of the things that annoys me the most in Keeper is how utterly incompetent the Council is. They are shit at their jobs! They don't make sense! And that would be fine if that was something that was explored and talked about in the story, but it's not?

Like, sure, it's brushed on a little, but Keeper never goes in-depth in order to explain just how flawed and corrupt the system is! We have no idea how far the rot goes because we haven't been given a chance to see how far it goes, and despite the earlier books being really great setup for all kinds of plots and discussions surrounding the Council, it feels like Messenger is completely dropping that in favor of..."Neverseen Bad, Council + Black Swan Good". Which I call fucking bullshit on, by the way, because this series has gone to pretty decent lengths before to show that it's not the case! So WHY are we getting to that now?

Well, I think all of this is the symptom of a bigger problem.

Note: I don't want to be mean, and please tell me if I'm being too critical here, but this series has some serious problems actually delivering on what it's saying.

Like, it's trying to tell us that Sophie shouldn't be doing all this because she's a kid, but then it treats her very own existence as a project as background information when that should absolutely be at the forefront (like it was in earlier books)!

It's trying to tell us that discrimination against the Talentless is bad, but then every single member of it's cast has an ability, has a strong ability, and regularly uses their ability! Even Dex, who could have easily been talentless and good with tech, gets to be a Super Good Gadget Person thanks to his ability as opposed to his own creativity and ingenuity.

It's trying to tell us that maybe banishing children is bad, but also tells us that Exillium is now """fixed""" because Oralie gave them...better tents? Food? And never touches on the fact that children are still. getting. banished. It doesn't explore Tam's anger in detail, Linh is only there to be the token asian girl, it does nothing to fully dispel any thought of the Council being alright.

And it's trying to tell us that the Council fucks up, it's showing us that Councillors have no problem being incredibly selfish and violent and so many other terrible things, but that never changes. Nothing in Keeper is changing. It is only maintaining the status quo!

I'm confused as to what Messenger is trying to tell her readers! Are the Council good or bad? Is working with the Council good or bad? Are the Black Swan and Neverseen actually morally grey? Should I be angry at what's happening in these books? Am I meant to look at all the rot and shrug because "that's just how it is"?

And like...I wouldn't be mad if Keeper was just...bad! I mean, I would, but I wouldn't be as distraught! What really grinds my gears is that Keeper has the chance to be good. It has the chance to do great things - and at times it absolutely does! - but it keeps reinforcing belief in a deeply flawed and broken system that is regularly hurting people. And those examples were just off the top of my head!

And again, if this was explored within the series, that would be amazing, but the problem is that it's...not. And that's just...a real fuckin' shame, honestly.

- pyro

(sorry if this was like...too angry? i started and then kinda just...couldn't stop. i should probably get a hobby that's not tearing a middle grade series apart. oops.)

it may have been over a week since you sent this (thank you for being patient with me!!), but fuck yes it is still council hating hours. it is always council hating hours in this household that is not actually a house. (also that incompetence rant sounds intriguing)

yes! you are right! they are so bad at what they're supposed to be doing it's like they're just figures for people to look to and say "yea they'll take care of it" to keep everyone else from acting out! but it's really interesting to see a government so awful and incompetent be such an integral and influential part of the story...without acknowledging that they're actually really bad? I know in Unlocked there's a line where Shannon says something like "Sophie had to figure out who the bad guys were: the black swan? the council? someone else entirely?" but then it's never touched on again that I can remember. Thinking through the series, I honestly can't think of a situation that the council, of their own volition, saw was an issue and corrected in a way that was beneficial to those who needed it. Like yea, Oralie gave money to Exillium, but that was after Sophie chewed her out about it. I think i've said it before but in case not: it feels like they've taken the "for the good of the many over the good of the few" ideology too far in a society that doesn't work for. If someone threatens the majority (and often that's just in appearance only) they get rid of them to preserve the image of the rest. It doesn't care about their people, it cares about the majority of people feeling undisturbed.

considering Sophie is part of a huge organization created literally because their society, led by that system, isn't working for a lot of people, they (the Black Swan) sure do go along with the council a whole lot. I think one of the linked posts in one of my masterposts is specifically about how making the Black Swan work so closely with the council screwed them over and completely undermined everything they were working towards. I'm going to make a very vague comparison here, but the Black Swan feel like "we need to fix the system" while the Neverseen are "the system is broken lets start over" (except the Neverseen added a lot more violence into the mix). It's absolutely infuriating to have them working side by side: one, because the Black Swan aren't accomplishing any of their goals and should cut their losses and go back to being mysterious underground groups with more freedom to move (in my opinion), but two, because it makes the council seem like it's trying to fix things when really it feels like a publicity thing to make the public think they're addressing the rebel issue while they're really just showing up in places and causing problems. And!! that's another thing! it feels like their collaboration with the Black Swan is to address the problem of having rebels, not the problems these rebels have identified and are trying to fix. Unfortunately, it seems the council is getting their way more than the Black Swan, getting them to act more legally and work closer with less room for working outside the system. if that makes sense.

considering it's literally stated in unlocked that there is no "good" and "bad," there does seem to be a lot of focus on associating the Black Swan with being Right, and the Neverseen with being Wrong. I can hope that it's the outward reactions to the Black Swan realizing they've done some fucked up stuff (Sophie) and are now overcompensating and trying to make sure their every move is the correct one. But I do think it will be interesting to see if Sophie makes the connection in canon (as she's already started to) that there isn't always a right option, there's just the best you can do with a situation and the Black Swan's insistence that she was "in the wrong" (a summary) helps her realize her own values and think through their decisions with her own perspective instead of just trusting them

response to your note: you're fine! you bring up a good point that this book sounds like it wanted to be a unique perspective (by having the "good guys" also be questionable and give the "bad guys" reasonable motives) but the execution misses the mark for a lot of us. so you're qualms and observations are entirely valid and I don't think you're being mean at all! I think you're expressing a frustration you have with something, which I support and encourage.

at times it feels like Shannon bit off more than she could chew in terms of all the complicated things she could get into when it comes to this series. not saying she's doing a bad job or a horrible author or anything, just that there are some things she introduced that kind of get left behind or unexplored because there's so much else going on. I think we can see that in the whole being experiment part of Sophie life. we saw sophie was uncomfortable with it in the first few books and would sometimes bring it up, but I personally would've been more satisfied if she'd either taken the time to process it (opposed to her think about that later strategy) or come to the realization that no, she isn't okay with it and she deserves to have her thoughts on the matter heard. she was literally created to serve someone elses purpose, and brought into the fight too early at that. and yet it's treated like an "oopsie, guess we just gotta go with it" thing, like this minor part of her story when I bet her thinking about it for more than a minute at a time would absolutely wreck her. but I'm getting caught up in this, so moving on!

I think we can see it in the talentless too, as it's treated like a "that doesn't affect me" thing for Sophie. because she doesn't have any friends that are talentless right now--the closest she's got is Marella, who I think is still legally considered talentless with her pyrokinesis. it's been acknowledged that she doesn't think the way talentless are treated is right, but it doesn't impact her right now so she's not really doing anything about it. maybe if this was brought back later with someone like Jensi, then that would be a satisfying conclusion to this issue (not a conclusion, but it wouldn't be left hanging, if that makes sense). And I can understand the benefit of leaving things open to go back and explore later from a writers perspective, but at a certain point it becomes more of a hindrance to the story than anything else.

and exillium! I have so many thoughts on Exillium that I actually started talking about it earlier in this post. They're not doing anything unless prompted and what they do is the bare minimum. With the tents and the food, they aren't fixing Exillium, they're making it into what it should've been at the very least were they going to actually go down that route. So I can't praise them for it when it's just basic decency to provide literal children with food and shelter when you force them to be somewhere they don't want to. But all this doesn't fix Exillium, because the problem is that it exists in the first place. The problem is that the council saw children who were struggling, and decided the best thing to do with them was to just get them out of the way for everyone else. Three coaches total for leadership? yeah, there's no way that place was ever supposed to be "alternate learning" or however Oralie phrased it, that was just so you could say you hadn't completely abandoned them in the middle of nowhere.

you're so right about the council fucks up bit--I think the most obvious example of this is with Sophie's ability restrictor. Yea, she's not wearing it anymore, but that's not because the council changed their minds. It's because she broke the law and the didn't punish her for it. this is a great example of how things keep trying to move forward, but the council isn't doing anything to stay up with it. "they are selfish and violent[...] but that never changes." yes!! this!! you put it so well! the council is still the same old council that we saw in book one, concerned with their own interests and their own views, just trying to mitigate the damage Sophie and her friends are capable of doing to their system. Note: the fact that a handful of teenagers who haven't even graduated can do this much damage might be telling of the structural integrity of their system. Bronte and Terik did a little flip, and Alina replaced the Now Crispy Kenric, but aside from that nothing has changed.

I will say, I personally don't want it to be clear who the good guys and bad guys are. (not saying that's what you're asking for! just piggybacking off your comment on the confusion). I'm glad that the characters make me think and I'm grateful there isn't just the "we're good and they're bad" element you see in other stories. not that that's bad, i just think realistically they'd be more complex and their simplicity grows repetitive after a while. But like I said, at times it feels like there's too much going on for there to be a clear message, which in and of itself could be the message. i could be seeing something where there's nothing, though. I think part of it might be Shannon trying to take on all these complex narratives and perspectives with a limited perspective (as in she only has Sophie to tell the story through), while also needing to make it enjoyable and palletable to a young audience.

and I agree with you! I think it's a lot of the potential we see not being used that makes us so infuriated (or me at least). Because there are some stories yo uread where you're like "ah. it's just one of those stories. cool." and you move past it. Because you know it's going to have a set perspective and you know it's going to accomplish what it wants, but Keeper seems to have so many possibilities and Shannon's getting stuck in this rut of good and bad after so long. maybe we'll get out of it in the next book with sophie thinking the Black Swan was in the wrong, but I also wouldn't be surprised if that Didn't Happen.

it's just like what i was saying about Ro! There's all these opportunities for these characters and this world to be really explored and fleshed out and complex, but we've gotten stuck in this romance drama and loosing fights again and again with little progress. All their actions are undoing the Neverseen's actions and counting it a victory because no one is dead. I just think there could be so much more that we're not getting because the story tried to go too broad when it wasn't ready for it.

this response got very long but in essence: I agree with your assessment of the story. is frustrating to see so many of the details and paths we'd like to see explored that often aren't in fiction just pass us by.

there is a special place for keeper in my heart and I will always appreciate it for that, but I also mourn what it could've been.

(also: you are not too angry! you have genuine thoughts about this series and they deserve to be heard! we are allowed to have complaints, even about the things we like. we don't have to appreciate every single aspect and we're allowed to be mad at the things we don't like.)

#we are a week into october and I have several asks from september still #how many can i answer in one day is the question #but back to what you were saying pyro #I don't want to just completely rewrite the entire series myself #but I do think there are things that could've been approached better and the council is one of them #If the Black Swan and Sophie both acknowledge their faults #i don't fully understand why they work so closely together #but that's a whole other thing so I should probably stop #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #kotlc character analysis #kotlc council #the black swan #quil's queries #pyrokinetic-loser #long post

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uwuwriting · 4 years

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Maybe pregnant hcs for Todoroki, Iida, Shinsou and Amajiki???💓💓💓💓💓

-Ohoho!!!! This right here just melts my hurt. Even thinking about it makes me weak.Plus a little heads up, everyone is having daughters cause I’m weak to the knees with the thought of these four and their babygirls so be prepared. Hope I don’t disappoint.💖💖💖

*All characters are aged up so around the ages of 20-25 and up*

Todoroki Shouto

-You and Shouto have been together since your second year in UA.

-You got married when you both got well acquainted with the hero life and now live a happy , yet busy, life in an apartment near his mom’s house.

-We know that this boy would want his family to be close to him and the fact that you get along with everyone fills his heart with so much love.

-You two never really talked about children.

-Maybe a few suggestions of having a child in the future but nothing serious.

-Que the morning sickness.

-Shouto was really worried about you, I mean look at you.

-You’re emptying your guts in the toilet every single morning.

-You can’t eat most foods that you used to like and have a weird craving for tuna yogurt?!

-He doesn’t want to leave the house, he even convinced you to take some days off and try to relax.

-Give your body rest.

-He promised to get some days off himself to take care of you.

-You had your suspicions, tbh.

-You just didn’t tell him.

-Whether that was to not get his hopes up or to post pone the heartbreak you didn’t really know.

-So what if you were mildly panicking over the fact that the 5 pregnancy tests you just took were all positive.

-It was the first day of your mini ‘vacation’ and thankfully Shouto had been called in today.

-Because you’re panicking and legit losing your shit over this, you call....Rei.

-Okay maybe it wasn’t the best course of action considering you were on the verge of cardiac arrest, but what can you do.

-You asked her if she was home and if you could stop by.

-Of course she said yes, delighted to see you and mentioned that Fuyumi was also going to stop by in around an hour.

-You made your way to her house, arriving just as Fuyumi was pulling into the drive way.

-After greeting each other and going inside, you took your seats in the living room and waited for Rei to make some tea.

-Fuyumi was going on and on about what the kids at the kindergarten were doing and how cute some of them were being.

-Neither of the Todoroki women had missed your puffy eyes or how your smile would constantly waver, but they decided to let you tell them on your own accord.

-Once Rei joined you in the living room, they both turned to you.

- “So how have you been Y/n, dear?” Rei said watching you really closely.

-You looked down, feeling hot tears starting to form in your eyes and your throat tightening painfully.

-Fuyumi moved closer to you while Rei draped an arm around your shoulders which were shacking at the moment.

- “I-I’m p-pregnant.” it was barely a whisper, but they heard it alright.

-Mom mode activated 2x.

-They reassured you that everything was going to be fine and how lucky you are.

-They repeatedly said how excited Shouto will be and what of a push over of a dad he would become.

-After 4 long hours of baby talk, you returned home, collapsing on the sofa before passing out for a good 3 hour nap.

-When you woke up, Shouto was home and sitting next to you weaving his fingers absentmindedly through your hair.

- “Hey there sleepyhead.”

-How could his voice be so soft!?!?

-You buried your face into the blanket, which really confused him, I mean...what did he do?

- “We have a problem...” pause....awkward silence.... “I’m pregnant.”

-*Windows noises*

-After the mild stroke, he lifted you up so you were looking at him and just stared at you.

-Those seconds that he just looked at you felt like eternity.

-The torture ended however, when he lowered his head to your stomach and lifting your shirt, placed a small kiss right under your belly button.

- “Hey there, snowflake. Nice to meet you.”

-And with that, 9 exhausting months started full of mood swings, weird cravings, back rubs and a never ending list of baby names.

-You two learned you were having twins on your fifth appointment, but you decided to keep the gender a surprise.

-On a cold January night your two girls were brought into the world and it was one of the few times you had seen Endeavour and Natsuo in the same room bawling their eyes out.

-Your white haired baby was named Rei *after her grandmother* while your mixed red and h/c babygirl Ren.

-When Shouto held them for the first time, you thought he was going to have a mental breakdown.

-He’s a total push over and your girls are daddy’s girls to the core.

-He’s the best dad they could ask for.

Iida Tenya

-You and Tenya have been married for 6 years now and have been trying endlessly for a baby.

-You both agreed that you were ready for the responsibility and that having a little Tenya running around the house sounded like a great idea.

-Saying that you were exhausted form the attempts was an understatement.

-Tenya had incredible stamina and even more libido, so you can safely assume that during the week long process of baby making you couldn’t walk straight.

-However, your little shenanigans stopped when your doctor delivered you the news.

-You had been hit by a blood related quirk while dealing with a villain and had to get a check up afterwards.

-You were given a scolding the moment you saw your doctor because why aren’t you in desk duty you RASCAL!?

-You were confused beyond belief and it was written all over your face.

- “You don’t know do you?”

-Le sigh.

- “Mrs. Iida I’m happy to announce you that you’re expecting, so that means you are to be put in desk duty for the next 4 months or else I’m making sure you don’t leave the house for a good 9 months.”

-You. Were. Ecstatic.

-You ran to Tenya’s agency, bringing down the damned door to his office giving the man a heart attack.

- “Y/n what’s-”

- “I’M PREGNANT!”

-Que ecstatic air chopping.

-Tenya went into full dad mode during those 9 months.

-Buttt he’s also kinda nervous.

-Nervous like Tamaki in a crowd level nervous.

-You get the image.

-You have anything you want whenever you want it.

-The nursery is done the moment you find out you are having a gilr.

-Unlike Todoroki he isn’t patient enough to keep the gender a secret.

-When the day arrives, you’re just chilling outside with him when you nonchalantly blurt out ‘my waters broke’.

-....oh...oH.....OHSHIIIIIIIT.

- “WHY ARE YOU SO CALM?! GET UP! ARE YOU IN PAIN? CAN YOU WALK!?”

-This goes on until you are screaming and crushing his hand in the delivery room.

-Your little girl is born and she’s a carbon copy of Tenya.

-Same colored hair and eyes.

-The face structure looks like you.

-She has your nose and mouth, along with your eyebrows but apart from that she’s a mini genderbend Tenya.

-Because she was born early in the morning you decided to change her name and so little Asami Tenya was officially a part of this world.

-Tenya cried.

-You cried.

-Asami cried.

-You were one happy crying family.

Shinsou Hitoshi

-You and Hitoshi have been together for two years now, but you haven’t put a ring on it.

-Sure you live together and act like a married couple already but you’re not Mrs.Shinsou.....yet.

-You have been feeling strange for days now and your period was late which never happens.

-You are panicking but unlike Shouto you two aren’t married.

-He can leave with almost no complications.

-You were his girlfriend not his wife.

-The pregnancy tests you had taken were mocking you from the bathroom sink and your poor hormone ridden mind couldn’t handle the stress.

-You cried a river until you heard keys jiggling and HItoshi’s iconic ‘Kitten, I’m home!’

-You couldn’t face him like this.

-In a haste you shoved the tests into the laundry basket along with their packages and covered them with some sheets.

-Fixing your hair and washing your face, you straightened and walked out the door.

-After greeting Hitoshi with a kiss you calmly told him to go get ready while you made him something to eat.

-Your mind was running laps thinking how you could tell him or how you could solve your little problem as quietly as possible.

-That is until he walked in holding what seemed to be a box.

-A pregnancy test box.

-HOW CAN YOU BE BLIND?

- “Y/n, what’s this?”pause “Are you..?”

-Anddd more crying.

-You sobbed about how sorry you were and how you couldn’t explain how it happened.

-Both of you were so careful, how did this happen???

-After a good 15 minutes of you bawling your eyes out on the kitchen floor while Hitoshi was trying to calm you down, you finally stopped at the sound of his chuckle.

- “Well, damn kitten, your surprise definitely beat mine.”

-Then he pulled a small velvet box from his pocket and watched you closely.

-Now you are Mrs.Shinsou.

-These 9 months weren’t as bad as you would expect.

-Hitoshi was really good at giving you everything you wanted and during the whole pregnancy you didn’t lift a finger.

-One October night your waters broke and you found yourself in a long procedure of bringing your child into the world.

-Hitoshi was a wreck and had called Aizawa for emotional support who called Hizashi who called Midnight.

-Once you were finished, Hitoshi rushed into your room and found you utterly exhausted.

-He was the first to hold your baby and you have never seen him cry this much in your life.

- “Hello my little Kei.”

-Kei Shinsou was a happy little girl with an amazing father by her side.

Amajiki Tamaki

-Ah love.

-Something Tamaki found during high school and held onto it ever since.

-Now a well known pro hero, Suneater was more than happy with his life with you.

-He always wanted a little something more but never expressed it.

-He loved the idea of having a mini you running around the living room or waking him up in the morning with little squeals and kisses.

-He loved you to the moon and back, more than life itself but having a kid with you sparked a whole new sensation in him.

-So he tried to be sly about it.

-Forgetting the condoms or to pull out.

-You not being able to find your pills.

-A whole lot of fun.

-You were newly weds and your libidos were high af and with the prospect of children on the table Tamaki became 10x more driven and horny.

-So you weren’t all that surprised when your doctor gave you the news.

-You had gone for a plain old check up when he came into the room with a bright smile on his face and congratulations falling like a waterfall from his mouth.

-Once back home you put your plan in motion.

-You had a feeling Tamaki was trying to knock you up for some time now.

-He couldn’t forget to pull out every time like come on.

-But you were fine with it since you too wanted a kid with him.

-You just would’ve liked a little heads up first.

-You made your little bun and put it in the oven.

-And waited.

-Until finally Tamaki walked through the door, a smile gracing his features as he made his way to you.

- “Hey bunny.”

-Giving him a quick peck you told him to check the oven real quick to make sure the food was all good.

-He obliged, walking to the kitchen and seeing the sole bun sitting in the oven.

-He was beyond confused on why you would only make one bun in the oven and not more, I mean you are two peop- ohhhh.

-OH.

-He did it.

-He let the news settle in before going back to you.

- “Are you sure?” nod “100% sure?” another nod.

-At that he fell to his knees in front of you, attacking your stomach with kisses and I love yous.

-To whom they were directed you couldn’t actually tell but you were happy either way.

-Calls the baby butterfly.

-Makes the whole nursery along with Mirio who is ecstatic.

-Butterfly themed baby room.

-Expect many back and belly rubs along with Tamaki coming home early because Fatgum cannot allow him to stay at work when he’s preparing for a baby.

-When your waters break you are buying some onesies with small octopuses on them.

-You have never been taken to the hospital so fast in your whole hero career.

-After many painful and stressful hours, your baby girl is born and she’s stunning.

-She has Tama’s ears and hair but your eyes and nose.

-She’s a perfect mix.

-The Big 3 cry as a team.

-When she’s given to him, Tamaki just cry laughs at how gorgeous she’s.

-Many thank yous are exchanged.

- Cho Amajiki.

-Tamaki cannot stop repeating the name even after they have taken her away.

-He curls on the chair next to you, holding your hand the whole night, falling into a deep sleep, imaging his new life with his little butterfly.

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testudoaubrei-blog · 3 years

Text

TL/DR - Catra is a uniquely complex and compelling character who has -so much going on- compared with most characters in any medium. Her character arc is psychologically astute, morally powerful and dramatically compelling, and it pushes the boundaries of the audiences sympathies in ways that are really groundbreaking for a kids show, and her arcs conclusion celebrates love, growth, and the power to change in a way that is all too rare in TV for grown ups.

Content note for mentions of suicidal ideation and self harm.

Well, now that the summary is out of the way, here’s a massive fucking dissertation on why Catra is such a great character.

This is the first of a series of posts outlining things that make She Ra a truly great show, one that stands out even 15 years into a golden age of TV animation for kids. This isn’t going to be a comprehensive account for why the show is great - the real answer is that this show has so many arcs and so many fully realized characters and they are all growing and changing in ways that interact with each other and complement each other so well. But I’m going to highlight some particular standouts, things that this show does better than anything else, things that made me step back and say ‘holy shit they did this in a show pitched at 10 year olds?!’

And so the first of these posts is about Catra. I’ve never seen a character in a kids TV show like Catra before. Depending on the season, she’s an anti-villain, an outright villain and an anti-hero and then, in the end, a hero. Being glib, I describe her in villain mode as a Saturday morning cartoon Supervillain as written by like, Dostoevsky. She’s got the trappings of classic villain camp - long speeches, sneering, over-complicated plans, she’s oddly ineffectual at times etc/ Yet all of this is underlaid and justified by something much deeper - her feelings of rejection, her desire to lash out at everyone around her, at her self-hatred and hatred of everyone and everything else (at least by Season 4. Good God.) And her actions are as dark as her motivations - she nearly destroys reality out of spite, betrays literally everyone who cares about her (often multiple times) and isolates herself so completely that in the season 4 finale she is a solitary, suicidal wreck of a person. Hell, in her last fight with Hordak, I was definitely rooting for Hordak (to say nothing of Glimmer, who is a pretty impressive antiheroine, like if Sparkles had just blasted her into glittery oblivion would we have held it against her?).

Let's start by discussing trauma. It comes up a lot with Catra for obvious and good reasons. But I almost feel like that word is insufficient for what's going on with Catra, or at least, we shouldn't stop with it (I know there are terms like complex trauma, but rather than simply using those I want to explain the difference between Catra’s consistent abuse and a single traumatic event). To use another example from a different show, Korra was also traumatized in season 4. But she was traumatized by a series of an events when she was a young adult. She had something horrible happen to her, and it fucked her up, and then she had exposure therapy with Zaheer and at least starts to get better. Catra...Catra is much more consistently abused. It's not just that shadow weaver traumatized her with the various acts of torture, but that Shadow Weaver taught Catra both an explicit worldview and a series of coping mechanisms that she struggles with through young adulthood. First, Shadow Weaver trained Catra to seek her approval. This is something she is particularly vulnerable to with Shadow Weaver, but also what she does with Hordak and to a extent Double Trouble. Catra's instinct when people mistreat her or show that they aren't trustworthy is to invest further in the relationship, until the breaking point. By contrast, when people treat her well Catra lashes out or takes them for granted. This is uh…a dymamic I am acquainted with among people who have been abused as kids, people whom I love. It is pretty rough.

She also developed a desire to prove herself. This starts off being tied to her drive for approval, but combined with her competitive streak (which is expressed in both healthy and unhealthy ways with Adora) it turns into a desire to beat Shadow Weaver and then Hordak at their own game.

At the same time, Catra learned by always being blamed for everything to evade and deny responsibility, no matter what. I think this form of self reassurance is tied to her self doubt (I think at some level she does think she is worthless) and her self hatred. It is also enabled by Adora’s martyr complex and willingness even act as Catra’s punching bag (as we see in the flashback in Corridors). This is a dynamic that actually repeats in an even worse fashion with Scorpia. Far from being arrogant, her constant evasions, put downs against others and preening speeches sound like the words of a woman who is trying to convince herself most of all. This tendency borders on narcissistic self delusion by season 3-4, which she begins recounting her version of events and possibly believing it even when it is obviously false, and everyone knows it.

When it comes to worldviews, Shadow Weaver taught Catra that love is about control and manipulation. We see this in seasons 1-3 where she congratulates herself for manipulating Adora when all she has done is take advantage of Adora's lingering love for her. Meanwhile, she’s learned that power is her only protection, and that the only way to stay on top is to abuse those beneath her.

The final kind of static tendency in Catra is her identity in the horde and her view of herself as one of the bad guys. This is something she rarely articulates but underlies much of her her decision to stay and not join Adora (at least at first). I think one thing to consider is that even if Catra never believed horde propaganda, it may have made her cynical and unwilling to imagine something better for herself or the world. Another factor is having struggled to belong in the horde for so long, she isn't going to give up now. At first this ties into her desire to win the approval of shadow weaver and Hordak, then it comes from her desire to prove herself better than them. Another factor is her self hatred. She sees herself as someone who hurts people, perhaps as a monster. She sees herself as a bad guy and so team evil is her side.

So yeah, our girl is kinda fucked up.

And yet Catra is never reduced to the sum of her traumas and bad habits. At every step of the way she is shown as a moral agent. She is shaped by shadow Weaver's abuse but she remains aware of and responsible for her actions. This is a double edged sword. She is fully responsible for her actions, but also she is never shown as broken by abuse or mental illness. She’s fully responsible, but by the same token is also redeemable, because she still has a choice.

So with that our of the way, let's go to Catra's arc.

I’m not going to recite everything terrible Catra does because I’m still on my first complete rewatch and I honestly find it hard to list it all. It’s a lot. So let’s talk about her shifting motivations. Early on, we see her desire for approval and recognition motivating her in ways that are so easy to sympathize with - she’s been told she’s worthless for years, and she wants to be worth something. We see how much she’s been scarred by Shadow Weavers abuse and by the ruthlessness and callousness of the Horde, and can sympathize with her desire to survive and advance since her own position is so untenable. We also see how, at first, she wants to be reunited with Adora. Her first huge turn into much darker territory is Promises, when she tries to kill Adora in order to permanently sever her connection with her own life and eliminate a possible rival for advancement (should Adora ever return). She’s told herself that she doesn’t want Adora back, and at least partly means it. Yet we still show her care for Scorpia and Entrapta and even Shadow Weaver in Season 2. It’s when Catra realizes that Shadow Weaver has chosen Adora over her once again that she takes her darkest turn. It’s not just that she destroys reality out of spite, it’s that she rejects her chance for a better and happier life, betrays every friend she has and focuses single-mindedly on hurting Adora (and arguably herself) and then on surviving when her attempt fails. Then Catra spends an entire season both fully inhabiting her role as a villain (and not a sympathetic one - really only our history with her leaves us sympathetic) and being utterly self-destructive and miserable. At the end, as mentioned, she’s a broken, suicidal wreck who has destroyed everything she’s strived for. If this was an HBO drama, we’d roll credits here and she’d go down as another self-destructive antihero. It would perhaps be too much to call her ‘Walter White as a catgirl’, but still. Of course, her story doesn’t end there.

Something that is incredibly dark that is happening in step with this is Catra’s hardening of herself, indeed, her dehumanization of herself. We see her struggle with her natural compassion, her kindness, her need for connection, her desire for happiness, and we see her ignore it all, stamp it down and nearly snuff it out. This is a huge factor in her descent into becoming a real villain (no ‘anti’ qualifiers needed). Every step of her descent is a struggle for Catra - not going with Adora in the second part of ‘The Sword’, trying to kill Adora in ‘Promise’, going back to the Horde, betraying Entrapta, lying about Entrapta, threatening Scorpia, destroying the world - but she always chooses evil. And with every step she becomes more isolated, more callous, and more cruel. Her default reaction becomes not just bravado and mockery and insolence, but threats, bullying and intimidation, until her management style is identical to Hordak’s, and indeed, is quite a bit worse. Catra starts off fighting for Hordak and Shadow Weaver’s approval and struggling to survive, and ends up cackling maniacally at her brutal and murderous conquests. She has very deliberately turned herself into a cruel conqueror, and a tyrant. This self-dehumanization is a huge part of evil in the world, I think, and it’s really powerful to see it so clearly in a kids show.

Meanwhile her insistence on evading all responsibility finally results in a self-serving, self-protective narrative that insulates her from responsibility or self-examination but also cuts her off from reality and other people. It’s always a bit unclear to what extent her various untruths (about Adora leaving her, about Shadow Weaver’s escape and her concealment of it not being her fault, about Entrapta betraying Hordak) are things she believes, lies she is telling to have power over others (mostly Scorpia) or things that she doesn’t quite believe but is trying to convince herself of. It’s probably all of these at various times, and in different degrees for each lie. The end result is that Catra is even more alone, because only she inhabits the safe cocoon of lies she’s built around herself. It also is the key to her and the Horde’s downfall - Catra is so isolated and in such denial that she can’t see how thin her forces are spread, and this crack shows up even in episode 1 of Season 4, with her insistence that the Princess Alliance is in shambles (when, in fact, it’s already rebounding, and proves more resilient than she allows herself to believe, and is led by a woman as ruthless and determined as herself). This part of Catra’s arc brilliantly shows how deception (of yourself and others) can feel protective by keeping shame at bay, but ultimately is destructive and strips someone of so much of the intellectual and moral qualities that we call ‘human.’ It’s also chilling to see since we’ve seen the end game of this mentality play out in US national politics, at the highest level.

I said at the opening that we’ve never seen a sympathetic character like Catra in a kids show. What about Zuko? I would argue that Zuko is never a cruel, or as callous, or as self-destructive as Catra is at her worst. Zuko is motivated by a desire for recognition from his abusive father (much like Catra is initially motivated by desire for recognition from Hordak and Shadow Weaver, and indeed Adora), and perhaps a desire to belong in the Fire Nation. All of this gets wrapped together in his ‘Honor’. He’s a young man with a very weak sense of what he truly believes, instead relying on external guides to what he should do. He’s also incredibly self-involved, and initially indifferent to anyone’s pain but his own and anyone’s needs but his own need to restore his honor. Uncle Iroh is there throughout to push Zuko both to see the needs of others and to become his own person. Zuko’s redemption arc, then, is a twofold quest to recognize other people and to find his own moral center and act from it. This is a pretty powerful coming of age story in that it is about him becoming his own person and throwing off the shackles of his upbringing. Politically, it’s a powerful story of a young man taking responsibility for his own actions in an authoritarian regime and refusing to participate in its imperialism any more and to embrace a new way forward both for himself and his nation. At the same time, in some ways it is easy to sympathize with Zuko because his greatest crimes are those of weakness - he’s not strong enough to stand up to his nation and his family until midway through the last season. Catra though...Catra does what she does, eventually, because she wants to hurt people. She’s cruel, and spiteful, and destructive in ways that are truly scary and which prevent any excuse or mitigation.

Which brings up the other comparison - Azula. But while Azula is (somewhat inconsistently) shown either as a monstrous child sociopath or a traumatized and broken child who can’t help it (and thus, perversely, as not a moral agent but something like a monster), Catra is consistently shown as a moral agent. Catra chooses her own path, every step of the way. She has so many chances to do something else - Adora’s offers to leave together in the two-part series opener, Promises, Scorpia’s suggestion that they dessert the Horde and become desert gang leaders, etc - and until season 5, she turns them all down. While Azula seems destined for evil and madness, with Catra we see a young woman very deliberately walk down the path into unmitigated evil with both eyes open. And then we see it destroy her.

And after she is basically destroyed, we see her build herself back. This process actually starts in Season 4 with the creeping realization that even when she is winning she is miserable and alone. She doesn’t even notice Scorpia is gone for several episodes, then she completely loses it. She spends the entire time when she is at her most triumphant isolated and raging and borderline incoherent, as ineffectual as she accuses Hordak of being. She’s won, and she’s alone, and she’s the most unhappy she has ever been, and I think for the first time she realizes that. And that’s the worst blow to her, even before all the external things come crashing down. She’s already miserable before Double Trouble and Glimmer deal her a triple coup de grace of destroying all her armies*, turning her and Hordak against each other and then Double Trouble’s epic evisceration. By the time Glimmer shows up, Catra is, as mentioned, literally suicidal. But she’s also already begun the process of changing in that she knows that she has a problem (her, and her self/other-destructive tendencies). Moreover, she knows, at some level, that what she really wants isn’t conquest, or to prove herself as the baddest leader of the Horde, but love - and she’s seen how she’s squandered that at every opportunity.

Let’s just pause for a moment to observe how much better Glimmer is at villainous machinations than Catra. In a couple episodes she makes a faustian bargain for unlimited power, kills all her enemies armies, sets her two chief foes at each other’s throats and literally cripples one while rendering the other helpless. And given her ironic non-answer about hurting Catra (‘we’re the good guys, remember?’ and the fact that she’d tried to kill Catra twice before**, she walked into Hordak’s sanctum fully intending to end Catra’s life, one way or another. She does all this through ruthlessness, recklessness and treachery, and she could give like, a TED talk on villainy. Of course it also blows up in her face and is actually way worse than the portal did in Catra’s, endangering the whole universe (I always assumed that the portal only threatened Despondos), dooming Etheria to invasion and all that. Of course, Catra pulled that switch and then fought Adora knowing that the world was ending, while Glimmer was just ignoring warnings from...just about everyone, including Shadow Weaver. So yeah, Glimmer, best kids show antihero since Princess Bubblegum***(unless we’re counting Catra as an antihero, which works for the first half of season 5).

Anyway, at the beginning of Season 5 Catra is adrift. Though some interpretations, like TV tropes, see her as immediately falling back into old habits and casting her lot in with Prime, I see her actions from the end of Season 4 onwards as more ambivalent. She seems to be kind of...going through the motions. She doesn’t have any of the drive or passion in her plotting that she once did, she seems to be maneuvering into Prime’s good graces out of habit. At best she’s back in the survival mode of early season 1, but without the ambition and desire to prove herself that motivated her. Some interpretations put a lot of stock in Prime being someone that can’t be bargained with or appeased, but...I don’t buy it. I take him, to an extent, at his word when he says that he was ‘exalt’ Catra (I am sure it is something awful). Catra actually gets what she wants halfway through “Corridors.” Only it’s not what she wants. She’s done jockeying for advantage, especially in a world where she truly would be alone because all she has is this psychopathic narcissist and his clones for company. She wants connection. She wants to do what is right. She’s suppressed all her humanity (felinitity? Anyway) for years and it’s made her miserable, and now she’s ready to embrace it. At the same time she confronts her own culpability, seeing just how much harm she’s done and admitting it for the first time. Her first lifeline is Glimmer, the only person she can actually talk to, the only other Etherian, the woman whose mother she doomed and who has nearly killed her three times. But Glimmer is also going through her own dark night of the soul - Glimmer and Catra’s character arcs were converging at the same time that Catra’s and Adoras and Glimmer’s and Adora’s were diverging. And they come together on either side of that forcefield, just talking and being people in an environment that is designed to be as dehumanizing as possible. Even this barest lifeline is enough for Catra to hold on to for dear life, and enough to inspire her to not just feel bad about the bad things she’s done, but do something good.

But the first way she does this is a cop out. Her plan, like Shadow Weaver’s in the finale, is to sacrifice/kill herself doing ‘one good thing.’ That way she doesn’t have to figure out how to live with the consequences of her actions, face the possible rejection of the people she loves whom she’s wronged, and do the hard work of building herself back up as a better person. She gets to die a hero rather than live as a villain. That said, unlike Shadow Weaver she does at least get off one apology, and it makes all the difference.

Then Adora fucks Catra’s sacrifice up, in glorious, space operatic, gay AF pulp fiction fashion, by saving the cat. Catra is mind controlled or unconscious for most of this episode, but what she does do is so crucial. When Adora comes for her, she reaches out to her, as soon as she is able. She doesn’t push her away, she takes Adora’s help, and her love, and Adora does the rest in badass fashion. The next few episodes plus the so perfect its canon Don’t Go are my favorite part of Catra’s entire arc.

She nearly falls back into her old habits, at least partly. Now that she has to live with what she’s done rather than just dying for it she just wants to run away again. But when she has to choose between losing Adora all over again and confronting herself and her past, she chooses Adora, and asks her to stay.

Catra then spends the rest of Season 5 slowly easing herself into the very human world of the Princess Alliance - the comaradery, the dedication to others and a cause, the goofiness. I’m going to talk a lot more about her relationship with Adora in my Catradora post, but I do want to highlight three moments.

The first is Catra running away again. This is actually a big change from what she’s done before - she’s not leaving because she’s angry, or bitter, or spiteful, she’s leaving because she doesn’t want to see the woman she loves sacrifice herself yet again (maybe this time for good) after being manipulated by the woman who had abused them both. But then she comes back. And then she confronts her abuser in a way that she has never done before - for the first time in the series, she not only calls Shadow Weaver out but calls her to do the right thing, and doesn’t give up until she does (this is after Adora also calls SW out and cuts her off forever, meaning that her two charges have finally called her on her bullshit and chosen each other over her, more in my Shadow Weaver Rant...and I guess my Catradora rant).

Then, at the end, Catra both stays with Adora through her potentially fatal harnessing of the Heart of Etheria and then her comes in and rescues her by challenging her to do something for Catra and for herself. Not to be with Catra, or to kiss her, or love her, but just stay for her. Needless to say, Adora responds far more enthusiastically than Catra had dared hope. (more on this in my Catradora rant).

Catra starts the show convinced she doesn’t need anyone except Adora, and she’s willing to even push Adora away if she can’t have Adora on her own terms. She goes down that path - ambition, manipulation, treachery, cruelty and isolation - until she has nothing left. She then slowly, painfully, turns around and reaches out and begins to heal the pain in Etheria and the universe rather than causing more. This is a psychological journey in many ways, but even more than that it is a profoundly moral one. It is a story of her accepting responsibility for her actions, facing reality, reaching out to others and making amends. It is in every sense a redemption. And while it works perfectly with Adora’s own development into her own, fuller, happier, healthier person, it works not because of Adora or the power of love, but because of Catra herself. Adora’s companionship, Adora’s rescuing of her and holding her to account, all of these are necessary for Catra to change for the better. But in the end it is Catra herself who chooses the right path, maybe for the first time in her life. And that’s what makes the romance work in turn - Catra is motivated to change not simply by a desire to impress her girlfriend or by Adora’s shining goodness (to the contrary, Adora’s a healthier and less self-sacrificing person at least in the finale...she comes around later than Catra) but by her desire to be true to herself and seek out what she really needs and wants - which is love, and connection, and to do good rather than evil. It’s a gorgeous story that takes an antihero all the way down to hell and then back again, and this makes it a truly unique redemption arc in all of kids TV - not just because of how far Catra falls, but how far she travels overall.

*(I know a lot of fanficcers talk about there being a lot of Horde Soldiers left but like...in the show...they’re nearly all dead, guys. Glimmer and company...okay mostly Mermista... just about killed them all in an afternoon. The cadet Triad survives because they deserted and weren’t there to get drowned/frozen/suffocated by plants when the grand invasion of Brightmoon went sideways)

**Okay, once she was only an accessory to Shadow Weaver’s attempted murder of Catra, the other time she leaves Catra for dead in ‘Pulse’

***I stan PB so hard guys. So hard. Machiavellian genius, mad scientist, god figure, possible Nietzschean Ubermensch? She’s so great. So great.

#she ra #she ra adora #she ra catra #spop catra #redemption arcs

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iphoenixrising · 4 years

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hey we haven’t heard anything from you in a while. everything good? How’s life treating you? All my love for one of my favorite batfam writers!💗💗💗

Hi babe.

Ah sorry, I’ve been super busy at work and with kiddo :( I mean, I’m still writing when I can, but it’s just time and motivation. My project has really taken off (reads as: expanded) and most nights I’m chipping away at the massive amount of documentation for not only a Java-based framework, but an entire Platform *sob* So, it’s just such a huge amount of old articles and brainstorming sessions and meeting minutes and just ugh. I mean, it’s kind of interesting to try tracking all these things down and figuring out how they’re going to work together since the developers (from 12 to 50-ish, my God and now they want me to read markdown and do pull requests for comments and shit because this is my fucking life) are still working on the platform services, the development environment, and all these fucking tools I’ve never heard of (Kubernetes, wtf is this thing??) so I’m learning a foreign language almost tbh.

Did I mention *sigh*?

ANYWAY, also some of the things I’m working on that are like Batfam are a little more...I dunno, just things that a bit harder for me I guess, but even if I write just a sentence or two, I still count it as a win.

But like...I said something about a Sentinel / Guide Au, and even though I’m at what would be a good stopping point, I’m not very happy with it :/ So, if you’d like to see kind of what I’ve been doing, I’m going to throw down what I’ve got below the cut.

Warnings:

DickTim, Angst

Sentinel/Guide Au

After he brings B back from time, send the Dark Knight back to Gotham, he gives in to things long overdue, and trains with Shiva–

–to be an effective Guide.

Years of suppressants made it literally hell without them, trying to keep his shields up, trying to push out the telepathic traffic suffocating him the second he opens up just a crack.

Shiva, of course, had been her cheerfully murderous self, plying him with the full onslaught of a powerful Sentinel.

"You will be drawn to us from now on, Little Bird. You will want to protect us, bring us back from the abyss. If you choose to allow your powers as a Guide rein free, then you must learn to fight against the urges."

The fucked-up part is–

–she's right.

If he wants to stay in the life, wear the cape and cowl under the new name, go back to the Titans (since they've been looking for him again, fly-bys and searches for his tech), then he needs to learn how to deal with what he can do and how to deal with the instincts that come along for the ride.

It's not enough that Shiva is in the middle of hunting down a few former students ("They have made...the wrong choices."

"That's rich coming from you, you know."

"We all have a code, Little Bird, and I am no different.")

but they managed to run into a few other Sentinels along the way.

He'd like to say he'd taken his ass beating like a pro at this juncture in the vigilante game, but the reality is, they'd had to take shelter in a shitty lean-to, so he could be tragically, metaphysically hung-over.

He gives up the cowl and suit, utility belt and sundries. He goes as a wrecked teenage American boy, changing it up from the last time he trekked behind Lady Shiva and took on her adversaries. He tries not to think about Dick or Jason, Dami or Alfred, tries not to think about the confused look on B's face in his safe house, drying his hair after a long shower, trying to readjust to the current timeline.

("You aren't going back to Gotham?"

"I still have things to do."

"...there's something you aren't telling me."

"There's a lot I'm not telling you."

"Come to me when you're ready, Tim. No matter what, you're always going to be one of my Robins.")

Instead, he learns how to keep himself, and the Sentinels around him, safe and sane while trying to stay two steps ahead of the next fight, the next clue, the next "training."

In Shanghai a few months later, he knows it's time to move on when people part ways for the brightly clad superheroes coming en-masse down the packed street for him.

Well, moving on it is.

Going back to the Tower, away from the Bats and Gotham and the Rogue Gallery (thinking about facing the Joker this raw and open is fucking terrifying), was the best he was going to get considering the circumstances.

Those circumstances being the pointed twitch over Kon's eye and Bart's very intense gaze.

"You were supposed to call, asshole. The OG Batman has been back in Gotham for like months and you've just been, you know, chilling with Lady Shiva?"

Tim, who is so out of bullshit at this juncture, feels better after a hot shower and some old sweats with a Superboy t-shirt, throws up his fucking hands.

"All right, fine. I never told anyone. I...I've been on suppressants since I was a kid, just like my mom. Guides..."

"It's not that bad anymore!" Cassie tries helplessly, the first to actually reach across the table for his hand.

The instant connection makes them both gasp. It’s a shallow one, just a dip under her natural shield (he knows it’s Cissy, the Guide that’s been helping her until now, bringing her back whenever she hits a Zone, recognizes the touch of their Arrowette), just a skim over her immediate emotions this thing now untried and how utterly calm he makes her just by hands lightly placed.

"O-ooh," is soft while his fingers tighten, his eyes sharpen, his shields constructing around her, his instinct to protect.

"Not necessary," Gar chimes in, still leaning against the door between the kitchen and communal entertainment room, "we're all good in the Tower, T."

Is what shakes him out of it, hastily pulling away from Cassie's hand.

"Wow." Wonder Girl breathes out, eyes soft and half-mast, looking at him dreamily.

"Nope." Because he can already feel the headache coming on, how her hand tries to grab back at his.

“We could fight better together, Tim!”

“Do you even know how strong a Guide has to be to take care of four Sentinels?”

In one terribly creepy singular move, Bart, Kon, Gar, and Cassie give him that look.

You know, aimed at his face.

"No one," Bart cuts in, eyes wide at the exchange, of Tim's aura warm and inviting suddenly stronger, reaching out... "Tim, T. No one has to know."

The flash of fear, a residual from the tunic, makes him hedge back a subtle step back.

Kon pointedly grips him by the bicep, over his shirt while Bart moves enough that his shoulder bumps into Tim’s ribs, halting the possible escape attempt.

“Okay, okay, backing off. New powers are about a bitch, not like we all haven’t been there once or twice.” Kon soothes over, taking small steps and tugging until Tim is moving with him closer to the communal kitchen where his seat is empty at the island, and they can possibly get proof the guy actually eats.

“Amen,” Cassie throws up a hand and is already digging through the fridge until she finds–

–the last grape Zesti.

Tim’s eyes narrow dangerously on that singular can, his body moving before his brain can take over because he’s sliding on his old chair, the can cold against his fingers, too thirsty for caffeine that he can’t even.

Sure, it’s a trap, but with these guys, at least he knows it.

“I’m very not ready to do anything remotely Guide-like in the field,” the soft ca-saaaa as the can opens. “You want me to sleuth, fight, and strategize, then I’m all for it.”

Bart is just suddenly in Kon’s usual seat beside him, spinning around in tight, fast circles, “you mean you’re thinking about coming back? To the life?”

“Dude, that would be stellar.”

Tim side-eyes his besties, “it was never in the plan to-to stop.”

“Can’t blame us for assuming, you know,” Gar grins toothily, “no Red Robin for a while, my dude.”

Tim goes quiet, staring down at the can between his hands, shoulders hunched over.

“At least,” Raven’s voice is smooth and soft, comforting, “tell us why now, Tim?”

“Why now?”

“Why begin training as a Guide now?” She clarifies, sliding into the seat across from her, and the coolness of her aura, not a Sentinel, but something purely Raven puts his frayed nerves at ease, makes it easier for him to find the words.

“I turned 18,” and he can’t look at them while he admits to it, “and...and I figured out who my Sentinel is after Ra’s kicked me out the window.” (I was fine going out that way. It was fine. I was saving Wayne Enterprises from the League of Assassins, I was fighting the good fight. It shouldn’t have happened that way...why did it have to happen that way?)

“Oh,” and Cassie’s eyes get huge.

“Ra’s al Ghul is your Sentinel?!” Bart fairly screams.

“No dude,” Tim rolls his eyes and finds his can suddenly fascinating. “It’s...Dick. He’s...yeah. It’s him.”

“I didn’t hear that,” Kon hurries, standing shock-still, “I didn’t hear any of that.”

“Not him,” Bart is gritting his teeth because dammit, why couldn’t Tim have been his Guide? The universe was totally, wholly unfair.

A muscle in Tim’s jaw flexes, his nose pinkening along his upper cheekbones. He blinks watery eyes, takes a deep, deep breath to try and keep himself under control.

“Yeah,” and Tim sighs a little, the ache in his chest more acutely painful when he thinks about that moment waking up in the Cave, Dick in the Batsuit without the cape/cowl combo smiling down at him, still painfully unaware of the connection drawn tight between them.

(He doesn’t need me. He’s got Babs and Dami. His Guide and his Robin.)

Getting the absolute fuck out of the Manor had been his first order of business once he’d come to, just sprouting whatever placating bullshit Dick needed to hear to let him go without much of a fight (this time).

Finding Bruce and staying the hell out of Gotham hadn’t helped the pull he inexplicably felt, or the pressure of minds around him that had sent him to Shiva in the first damn place. His Guide abilities were overcoming the suppressants, so he was out of time...and out of options.

Still, even with the training, he occasionally has the dreams at night. Not the usual array of awful nightmares from his real life, Jason shooting him in the chest at point-blank to make sure the job gets done this time, Bruce dying right before his eyes, turning into that skeleton husk Superman brought to them thinking it was the real thing, Damian sneering at him with the katana held high, spitting out how it’s time the real Robin took his rightful place just before bringing the blade down–

No, no, it’s even worse than those.

It’s shadowy hands touching him, the warm wet of a mouth over his skin and scars, gentle voice in his ear telling him how beautiful he is, how much he’s needed, wanted, how it’s not just because of what he is or what tunic he used to wear, it’s all because he’s Tim. He doesn’t wake up when his dream self realizes it’s Dick over him, those blue eyes taking him in, pinning his wrists down to look over every inch of his naked body. He doesn’t wake up when Dick starts preparing him. He doesn’t wake up when Dick kisses him hard and desperate. He doesn’t wake up when the tears dry on his face and their bodies line up.

“Mine,” his dream Sentinel doesn’t even hesitate, “Don’t ever run from me again. Do you understand me, Tim?”

Just before Dick pushes, he wakes up, panting and hard, his instincts going crazy enough that he has to meditate to calm down.

Cassie gently wraps her hand around his shoulder, making sure they don’t have skin-to-skin contact this time. “I’m sorry,” she smiles gently at his frown, “I know you and Dick have had some...issues in the past few years.” But he can read the guilt in her face. Back when everyone thought Bruce was dead and his cape had been yanked out from under him, Dick had sent Cassie to try talking some “sense” into him. She still feels awful for jumping on the same train everyone else had been riding, the ‘that guy is suffering from depression’ instead of believing he might actually be right.

(It still stings though, doesn’t it?)

He doesn’t say anything back, just looks out one of the big windows and pulls out of her hold to take a drink of his Zesti.

“But,” Gar quickly jumps in, “you’ll stay in the Tower and fight on the team again, right? Like, no more trips with World’s Deadliest Assassins?”

Tim visibly hesitates, pausing with the can up to his mouth.

Slowly, he lowers it, his eyes taking on a cold calculation that is and isn’t like their old Rob. “Like I said, I can’t be a Guide for anyone, and I mean that. Second, I told you the truth in confidence, so I expect everyone to keep my secret. Third, I’m not anywhere near ready to go to Gotham or face the Bats, so for now, I’m fighting under the radar. If those aren’t acceptable stipulations, I’ll grab some of my clothes from storage and be out of your Tower.”

“Storage?” Kon glances around at the team, “Tim, buddy, why do you think we’d have your stuff in storage?”

“I assumed Dick would already approach you about making Damian part of the team,” his tone is absolutely empty, emotionless. “And there’s no way both of us could be here at the same time, so...” he lets them put it together from there.

The look of utter devastation on Kon’s face makes him feel slightly better.

Coming back when Cassie, Bart, and Kon have his back, just like they were closer to the end of their YJ run, makes the transition easier than it realistically should have been.

And it really might just be how low the dose of suppressants are now, or that he feels comfortable stepping into Robin’s role on the team, just with a different name, a different mask. It might just be how Bart has a tendency to hover with that hummingbird energy coming off him even when he’s seemingly standing still, maybe it’s Kon’s TTK pressing at his back even if the guy is across the room, maybe it’s how he and Cassie have leadership meetings where they just binge watch reruns of Gossip Girl and eat ice cream to bemoan their woes.

But maybe, it’s how he can feel them pulling at his shields unconsciously. Maybe it’s how he can sometimes push back enough, can skim just the edges to get impressions of angry, sad, depressed and gently erect a mental shield without delving deep without permission, can give them the space they need from their intense senses and powers.

Just another way he can be the regular guy on the team, working under the radar. So much a part of his role in the first damn place.

He doesn’t realize it becomes something normal until they take the good fight a little too close to Gotham for his liking, but the choices were few and Luthor is such an incredible ass hat that Tim actually plays it down, dresses up as CEO Tim Drake to divert their baddie while the team takes apart his latest weapon of mass destruction on the down-low.

What he absolutely doesn’t expect is to leave the lobby of one of the most posh restaurants in Metropolis–

And walk face-first into Dick Gryson’s chest.

(Technically, it’s Nightwing, but really, this doesn’t make the sitch any better.)

A hand, black with blue fingerstripes, covers his mouth, and the sound of a grapple retracting is a pending oh no that he doesn’t fight the vigilante pretty much kidnapping him off the street in broad daylight.

He can only thank God it isn’t skin-to-skin contact because his inner senses are flaring this close to the Sentinel, his Sentinel, that he has to grind his back teeth to keep himself in check. He pulls away the second they land it on solid rooftop, shoving his sleeve back to check the team’s status on his hidden wrist computer.

Mission success!

“Imagine my surprise,” Nightwing growls, hand on his shoulder to spin him around, “when I find you having lunch with someone like Lex Luthor instead of taking my damn calls, Timmy.”

Stepping out of that hold is subtle because Tim is looking over the side of the roof, adjusting his tie to try putting some distance between them. “I’m undercover. Those are the things people like us do when we’re running an Op, Nightwing.”

Those whiteouts narrow on him, a trick only Dick can really pull off effectively. “None of that tells me where the hell you’ve been for the last year since you left to find Bruce, found him, and didn’t come back.”

His back straightens, eyes looking away when the irritation and heat of anger hits him harder without the nice little cocktail of suppressants and stabilizers, makes his own shields tremble at the burning sear along the edges of his consciousness.

Instead of saying something he might come to regret, Tim sucks in a breath through his nose and works through the bolt of pain, gathers his shields around himself to keep the Sentinel from unerringly lashing out at him again.

“What the hell are you even doing here? Recon on Luthor? For which nefarious plot?”

A black and blue hand slashes the space between them, “not even important, Tim. So, how about you call your team and tell them you’ve got some Bat business because we? Need to talk.”

“I’m sorry, what now?”

“You heard me. I’ve been trying to get in contact with you for weeks.”

“I sent back your case files, asshole–”

“Not about cape and cowl shit, Tim!”

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about right now,” even though he does, he really does. He just doesn’t know why it has to happen now.

Nightwing, however, has had enough of the talk and with a whip of his arm has a bolo out and thrown, his natural speed as a Sentinel might be slower than someone like the Flash, but it still has Tim wrapped up tight faster than he can realistically dodge.

The sight of the vigilante Nightwing swinging through Metropolis with the CEO of Wayne Enterprises over one shoulder would be big news in the city if anyone had been bothered to really look up.

The hotel is nice Tim thinks while wiggling around on the bed where Dick pretty much dumped him. His fingers are already getting the bolo loose from around his upper body by the time Dick has the mask off and the Nightwing suit unzipped to flop around his waist.

The Gotham Knights t-shirt underneath is a new one since the old faded one got blown up in that little explosion in the ‘Haven a few years back.

Dick lifts and sets a chair down with a pointed clack, sitting down to watch Tim squirm his way up. He’s got the bolo loose enough to brace his palms.

“What part of I’m in the middle of an OP–”

“Don’t care,” Dick cuts him off ruthlessly, those blue eyes hard and jaw tense. “I honestly don’t give a crap about the Titans right now.”

“Well I sure as hell do thank-you very much,” Tim pulls the bolo off, tosses it across the room with an angry flick, facing his former mentor, former partner, former friend with those old feelings creeping up his throat to make the taste in his mouth coppery and bitter.

“The only thing I care about right now is that I finally caught up to you. The last time I even saw you was that swan dive–”

“I’m aware. Being kicked out of a window is pretty memorable, even for people like us,” he keeps it deadpan, keeps the anger and irritation, the feelings of shit like betrayal and it must have been so easy to throw me the fuck away.

“The point is, smart ass, you left the Cave and haven’t been back. You only answer my emails about cases and bad guys. But when I ask you to come back home, which I have, Tim, I don’t even know how many times, and I get nothing! We need you–”

��Why would I come back to Gotham for you?” Is what spills out of his mouth, something bitter and foul. “You’ve already got a fucking Robin to be your little brother, remember?”

Welp, there goes playing it cool.

But watching Dick jerk back like Tim had landed a physical blow was more satisfying than he wanted to admit.

“Are you kidding me right now? You’re still angry about that? I’ve explained to you exactly why–”

The irritation in Dick’s tone, obvious disgust when he leans back and crosses his arms over his chest is just about enough.

“You explained it just fine. You made your choice, so everyone just has to deal with it, right? Yeah, that’s really being my equal.”

Tim makes himself stay deadly calm and cold, moves his legs away from Dick’s to stand and take a few steps away from the seething Sentinel to adjust his tie and try to get his hands to quit trembling.

“I can’t believe you’re acting this childish, Tim. I’m really disappointed with you right now.”

“Glad we’re on the same page, Dick, disappointed in each other,” but it strikes him anyway in the small, sad place where he held on to the hope they could still work everything out somehow and at least go back to being friends. A small part that’s been slowly dying in degrees, and that last hit is enough to make it so absurdly painful.

(All those years in the R, fighting the good fight, being brothers, having each other’s backs, and it all ends here, doesn’t it?)

“What? I did everything I could do for you! I–”

“If that’s what you want to believe, then that’s fine. I don’t have any reasons to argue with you,” staring at his own reflection in the mirror, seeing the red start to creep over his cheeks, his eyes get overly shiny, Tim Drake straightens his spine and flexes his own shields.

He keeps himself together enough to turn on a heel and walk calmly to the door.

“Tim, just...okay, just wait. Let’s talk this out–”

He doesn’t even turn, hand already on the knob, just pulls open the door and takes a hasty step through. It’s only the first step, but Dick is still just suddenly there, trying to snatch at Tim’s wrist with a bare hand, managing the brush of fingertips over a pulse.

“Don’t leave like this,” Is the last thing Dick says before the electric shock slides up his spine, the pull to all his senses almost has him on his knees.

The touch has Tim lurching away, jerking his wrist up to cradle against his chest, the red burn of Dick’s emotions beating at his shields harder with just a simple graze.

It ends with Dick still in the doorway, braced against the frame, gaping, and Tim leaning heavily into the wall across the hall, a wince on his face.

Stupid metaphysical connections and shit.

The touch hadn’t been enough to, you know, like bond them or anything, but it’s widely believed True Pairs didn’t even have to touch to get impressions from one another.

“You asshole,” he seethes at that shocked expression.

“You feel like I betrayed you,” is low and thick, Dick’s eyes a little dazed with what he picked up through the momentary connection, “it hurt you so much when I made Dami my Robin because I didn’t even talk to you, I didn’t trust you. You think I just threw you out of my life. How could I ever do that to you...?”

If Tim was a better Guide, on a higher dose of suppressants, he would have been able to keep himself closed off enough that if they did manage to touch, he could have kept Dick out of his shields, wouldn’t have given him the ability to skim over shitty emotions.

If Tim was a better Guide, he wouldn’t have the urgent need to run.

But welp, here they are.

As the thought takes shape in his brain pan, that he’s in his civilian day-ware and can run down the hall while Dick –still half in Nightwing– is trapped in the doorway, his knees firm and his eyes dart wildly to the side, giving himself away.

And since Dick was Batman, is Nightwing, is a Sentinel, he sees the writing on the wall and absolutely refuses to let it happen. Dick shoves with his arms, darts out into the hallway, makes his suddenly weak knees work enough to shake up Tim’s plan, seizes the apparent Guide, his Guide, in a princess hold and get back before the door even starts to close.

“Put me–!”

But Dick folds his legs to sit with his back against the door, and wraps both arms around the struggling third Robin. He can hold onto Tim better than a bolo anyway.

The push at Tim’s shields is a pressure he isn’t used to dealing with, and it’s painful to fight against it rather than just let the tentative connection open. His hands curl into fists in his lap, trying to strain against the arms pinning him while concentrating on strengthening his shields.

He doesn’t realize he’s whispering, “no, no, no,” under his breath.

“Please,” Dick lays his forehead down on top of Timmy’s head, “please don’t go. Not now. I’m finally...Tim, I get it now. I swear, I get it.”

“...doesn’t matter. Too late.”

“That isn’t fair,” the smallest shift and Dick is breathing against his throat, making him shiver, “I just found out you’re...a Guide. My Guide. We haven’t even started yet. It can’t be too late if we haven’t had a beginning.” It gets worse when Dick breathes in his scent deeply, a noise coming out of his chest.

“We have had a beginning,” he bites out, fists tight, concentrating on keeping his shields strong but flexible, “we’ve had years–”

“And I’m not ready to throw all of that away.”

The pressure against his mental shields finally eases up as Dick raises his head, gives him a little shake to make him look up.

“You already did, remember?”

“I didn’t... I never threw you away. That’s not what I meant or wanted. Yes, I should have handled things better. I know that now, and I’m sorry I hurt you. I was sorry before, I just didn’t know how to tell you, how to make it better between us.”

Tim’s eyes narrow, and he doesn’t let up in case this is one of those diversionary tactics to put him in a false sense of security.

(They fight bad guys. Sometimes, they have to cheat, and he wouldn’t put it past Dick to do just that.)

“I don’t know what you think is going to happen here,” he finally tries, staring up into those blue, blue eyes (I trusted you once, and fuck if I’m going to let you do this to me again). “But whatever it is, you’re wrong. I’m not going to come back to Gotham and be your Guide. I’m not going to bond with you because the universe says I’m meant to be some kind of magical counterbalance.”

Dick’s expression crumples, his arms go a little slack.

“Tim, we’re...we’re a True–”

“I don’t give a fuck about True Pairs, Dick, not anymore. Babs has been your Guide since you both presented. She wants the job, she can damn well have it.”

It’s not a fight to push against Dick’s arms the second time and stand up out of his lap.

“You’ve loved me since the moment you put on the cape, Tim. I know you have.” When what he means is I know now.

“I loved you before that, you asshole, and you betrayed me. You don’t get that chance again.”

Turning away shouldn’t be this easy now that Dick knows the truth, but it is, and the very last parts of him still hoping, still craving, are just as easily–

–wiped out.

Dick’s eyes are watery when the door hisses and creaks upon opening, and it’s an automatic thing, reaching a hand up just expecting Tim to take it.

“Tim. Timmy, please.”

“Good-bye, Dick,” is already fading with rapidly retreating footsteps. At least he can keep some of his dignity because Dick will never know he falls the fuck apart as the elevator goes down.

Author’s notes:Here’s why I don’t like this: 1. I want to talk more about why Tim chose Shiva as the Sentinel to teach him how to be a good Guide. Like, I want to explore that dynamic more because I’ve never really had the time or space to write Shiva as we see her in Tim’s Robin run.2. I wanted to go more into the expanded senses of Sentinels and how to - hell, I dunno, make it seem to be a little closer to cannon maybe? Like point out some of Dick’s greatest escapes and be like part of that is due to his Sentinel power. 3. Dick says some shitty things, and I don’t give him any context. Like, at that point, he legit believes he did the right thing at the time, and look! Tim’s Red Robin so everyone wins! But yeah, once he got under those shields, the truth shakes him up. 4. I dunno, this au might not be for me. It doesn’t feel very different from some of my other angsty things I guess but meh. Who knows, I might fix it someday :D

#winter answers #with angst #and frustration #sentinel!au #Tim Drake #Dick Grayson #the titans!#my fics #my writing

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your-angle-of-music · 3 years

Text

Anyone want my playlist for my dream cast version of Les Miserables?

Here it is!

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyXOfYb8cpflTuoC6FuFMwyCuD60-V0J4

It’s as close to the full show as I can get. Let me know if I miscredited anyone, am missing any major songs, or have anything listed out of order. I’m happy to be convinced that a different version of a song should reign supreme as well, so hit me up!

Song/actors list and explanations under the cut.

1. Overture/Work Song - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Terrence Mann as Javert (Original Broadway)

It’s a big, bombastic, awesome beginning. I definitely vibe with the especially over-the-top synth and these particular convicts’ generally growly, desperate tone. Wilkinson’s Valjean, eternally my favorite, doesn’t seem feral like some versions I’ve seen, but rather like he’s trying so hard to just be good and get through this and keep it together, until he snaps a bit at “My name is Jean Valjean” and the way he acts that gives me chills. Mann’s Javert seems more cold than over-the-top aggressive, which I always like, although he doesn’t stick out thaaat much to me.

2. On Parole/The Bishop - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Paul Monaghan as Bishop Myriel (10th Anniversary)

I love everything about Wilkinson’s Valjean’s “freedom is mine” bit. His unique diction and his perfect tenor-ness and the hope in his voice...yeah. The way he hits and holds that “fliiiiiiiight” note is also pretty perfect. It sounds like the scream he was holding in the whole time he was in prison. I also appreciate Monaghan’s Bishop’s sudden earnestness at the “But remember this, my brother” part and the way he holds that last low “I have bought your soul for God.”

3. Prologue/What Have I Done? - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (Original London)

Wilkinson’s Valjean seems to make the beginning part properly fast and frantic, then switches to a gentle, heartwrenchingly vulnerable tone, then his absolutely anguished “this is all I have known.” As always, he excels at those high notes and long notes.

4. At the End of the Day - Lea Salonga as Fantine, Alfie Boe as Jean Valjean, Jeff Nicholson as the Factory Foreman (25th Anniversary)

All the women here sound so angry, at everyone and everything, and it’s pretty great. Honestly, it was Nicholson’s factory foreman here that really caught my ear, with his nasty “oi!” after the “and in a bed” line and his frankly terrifying “on your way!”. I like Salonga’s Fantine’s note of desperation, although she honestly could sound a little angrier. This track includes a tiny bit of the beginning of “I Dreamed a Dream” and then cuts off — sorry about that.

5. I Dreamed a Dream - Maureen Moore as Fantine (1988)

Something about this recording makes it sound like it’s much older than it is, and that slightly echoey sound makes it sound all the more haunting. A lot of Fantines sound enraged here, and I like that too, but something about Moore’s just utter sadness and vulnerability just sells it for me like no one else can. She sounds so young, because Fantine is. And then the way she belts “shame” is perfection. The way she goes from quiet and gentle at the beginning to desperate belting at the end and then the soft last lines murders my soul every time.

6. Lovely Ladies - Randy Graff as Fantine (Original Broadway)

Honestly...I haven’t found a version of this song that I love yet. There’s still this air of humor to it that feels incongruous at best and mean-spirited at worst. But I really like the worn-out, older sounding voices of a lot of the women singing to Fantine, and Graff’s Fantine’s anguish and slightly breaking voice is definitely good, as is her “don’t they know they’re making love to one already dead?”

7. Fantine’s Arrest - Caissie Levy as Fantine, Nathaniel Hackmann as Jean Valjean, Earl Carpenter as Javert (2014)

I love Levy’s Fantine here, with her fear and her fierceness. The way she spits out that “even a whore who’s gone to the bad won’t be had by a rat” is perfect in every way, as is her pleading after. Carpenter’s Javert has a lovely bass and is also cold and punchable, as all Javerts should be. This is one of the only songs on this playlist I have a video for, and I appreciate the blocking; the women crowding around Fantine and then fleeing, and the way Hackmann’s Valjean keeps his distance from Fantine and generally radiates respect and tenderness.

8. The Runaway Cart - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Terrence Mann as Javert (Original Broadway)

Thank you @lesbianrung for this recommendation! The ensemble sounds frantic and scared here, sometimes screaming more than singing, but for a chaotic scene like this, it works. Mann’s Javert is more reserved here than some I’ve seen, a bit more like the authority-fearing, self-loathing Brick Javert. Wilkinson’s Valjean sounds like a wreck when he’s begging someone to help him lift the cart, does a great little nervous laugh on “say what you must, don’t leave it there,” and belts his “how can you be sure that I am not your man” to excellent effect.

9. Who Am I? - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (Original Broadway)

Hey quick question did I mention that I love Colm Wilkinson? God that tormented shiver in Valjean’s voice...the softness of that last “I am damned”..his buildup up to “I’m Jean Valjean”...the way he hits that last “two-four-six-oh-oneeeeeeee”...yeah no there is one (1) Jean Valjean and that is Colm Wilkinson.

10. Come to Me/Fantine’s Death - Ruthie Henshall as Fantine, Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (10th Anniversary)

Henshall’s Fantine sounds so gentle yet so powerful here. The way she sings “I will sing you lullabies and wake you in the morning” absolutely shatters me and always will.Her belting sounds beautiful and clear and perfect, vulnerable yet strong. The way she fades out on her last word, “wake,” is utterly haunting. Wilkinson’s Jean Valjean sounds soft and caring, and the way he half-breathes a lot of the words is. Oh.

11. The Confrontation - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Philip Quast as Javert (10th Anniversary)

Quast’s Javert has a true bass quality that really, really works, like in the way he says “you’ll wear a different chain.” In general, the way he seems to bite off his words and the steely determination of his voice is perfect. He balances really well with Wilkinson’s Valjean who, for the first time, sounds scary, but can switch to softness for the dead Fantine. The last “I will be there” is excellent all-around.

12. Castle on a Cloud - Zoë Hart as Little Cosette (Original London)

Hart’s Little Cosette is insanely good! She really does sound like a little kid and still has awesome acting and she’s in tune! Her “there is a lady all in white, holds me and sings me a lullaby” bit is heartbreaking.

13. Master of the House - Barry James as M. Thenardier, Gay Soper as Mme. Thenardier (International Symphonic)

James and Soper are my favorite Thenardiers of all time, by far. I like this longer version that mentions M. Thenardier’s Waterloo shenanigans. James’ Thenardier sounds gleefully evil, and I like his whispery, growly tone or rowdy almost-shouting. You can absolutely hear his nasty grin. His affected r-rolling also reminds me a lot of the Brick characterization. Soper’s Mme. Thenardier has a weasely quality to her voice that seems appropriate, but she does not shy away from the ruder lines (”lifelong shit,” “not much there,” “up the master’s ass,” etc.) and she, like her husband, seems to be having a lot of fun and lapping up the attention. I adore how she delivers her “bastard in the house” line.

14. The Bargain/Waltz of Treachery - Barry James as M. Thenardier, Gay Soper as Mme. Thenardier, Gary Morris as Jean Valjean, Marissa Dunlop as Little Cosette (International Symphonic)

Morris’ Valjean and Dunlop’s Little Cosette’s “la la la la la la la la” harmony is amazing and tender and adorable and may or may not make me cry which is not supposed to happen before Act II. Morris’ delivery of his “now her mother is with God” and “I stand here in her place” lines is powerful, too. The Thenardiers sound delightfully sleazy and dramatic, too. I like that Morris’ Valjean sounds actually angry at them, unlike many others I’ve seen. I almost have to admit though, I miss the movie version of the final lines, where they had “Will you be like a papa to me?”/”Yes Cosette, yes it’s true, I’ll be father and mother to you,” while here, like in other stage shows, they have “Will there be castles and children to see?”/”Yes Cosette, yes it’s true, there’s a castle just waiting for you” because 1) I like Valjean’s father and mother role that Hugo kept talking about in the Brick, and 2) in the musical, it seemed pretty clear that there weren’t actually any other children around Cosette until Marius showed up!

15. Suddenly - Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean (2012 movie)

Yes, I’m including this song from the movie. Honestly, I don’t like the song itself that much, and I don’t think Jackman’s Valjean has the strongest voice, although his acting is extremely sweet, and when he almost whispers “full of light” and “like the sun” I definitely almost lose it. But I’m mainly including this song because the musical really did need a song that fills this role. The stage musical devotes a weirdly small amount of time to Cosette and Valjean’s relationship, considering that it drives Valjean’s actions for the rest of the story and it is central to the Brick (and one of my favorite parts of it, too). This is the first time that Valjean has ever felt truly loved in his life! Something suddenly HAS begun!

16. Look Down - Ross McCall as Gavroche, Anthony Warlow as Enjolras (International Symphonic)

I fell in love with this version because of the ensemble, honestly. It started out loud and powerful and strong, even more so than the Overture/Work Song bit. McCall’s Gavroche is beyond perfect, though. He is strong and sassy, and angry too, more than most Gavroches in the beginning, but he also sounds so young! Warlow’s Enjolras has an incredibly powerful voice as well, and makes a pretty awesome first impression.

17. The Robbery - Carrie Hope Fletcher as Eponine Thenardier, Rob Houchen as Marius Pontmercy, Cameron Blakely as M. Thenardier, James Gant as Javert (2013)

This is another song I’ve got the blocking for. It’s pretty standard, although I always like when a Marius, like Houchen’s, gets involved in the Fray to defend Cosette. I love the dynamic between Fletcher’s Eponine and Houchen’s Marius, with affection and teasing and care, and their little smiles and head shakes, but also with a bit of discomfort on Marius’ end — he seems a little awkward about trying to get his books back with minimal contact, and he seems to be deflecting the “I like the way you grow your hair” thing as nicely as he can, but definitely deflecting. Blakely doesn’t make much of an impression as Thenardier (although his “told you so” is really funny), and Gant is not my favorite Javert, but Fletcher’s “It’s Javert” is ridiculously awesome.

18. Stars - Philip Quast as Javert (10th Anniversary)

Quast’s Javert is...yeah, what else is there to say?

19. Eponine’s Errand - Kaho Shimada as Eponine Thenardier, Michael Ball as Marius Pontmercy (International Symphonic)

I wish this recording weren’t missing Gavroche’s little part beforehand, but I think Shimada’s Eponine and Ball’s Marius are worth the trade-off. Shimada sounds a little softer and sadder here, not angry like in some versions, which I don’t mind. But when she sees Marius, she switches to determinedly playful which is all the more heartwrenching. And her “I don’t want your money, sir” hurts. Ball’s Marius’ voice is nice and lovestruck and also not softening his single-minded obliviousness. I like his gentle desperation at his “Eponine, do this for me.” I also like that the lyric here is “don’t let her father know” instead of “don’t let your father know.”

20. Red and Black - Eddie Redmayne as Marius Pontmercy, Aaron Tveit as Enjolras, George Bladgen as Grantaire (2012 movie)

Embarrassing as it is to admit, Eddie Redmayne is my favorite Marius. He’s emotional and, well, a noodle, but also very sweet and sings well and has a higher, lighter voice than most Marii I’ve seen. He’s young! They’re all so young! And I like that Tveit’s Enjolras feels a lot less shouty here ; it's more accurate to Brick descriptions of his interactions with his friends, and reflects his kind of angelic vibe. And I definitely appreciate that Bladgen’s Grantaire’s mocking is a little softer here — he knows a thing or two about impossible love. I do love his little laugh when he says “it is better than an opera.” And that last “they will come when we call” makes me feel things.

21. Do You Hear the People Sing? - Michael Maguire as Enjolras (Original Broadway)

Sometimes you need an angelic Aaron Tveit, and sometimes you need a powerhouse Michael Maguire. Damn.

22. In My Life - Judy Kuhn as Cosette, David Bryant as Marius Pontmercy, Frances Ruffelle as Eponine Thenardier, Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (Original Broadway)

Kuhn’s Cosette has such a sweet voice, and you can hear her quiet fierce excitement in the beginning. She manages to sing Cosette’s high notes with softness and gentleness really well for the most part, although I’m not that fond of the sound on her “does he know I’m alive? do I know if he’s real?” high notes. Wilkinson’s Valjean seems gentler than some of the others I’ve seen, even on the “no more words” bit, and a lot of his negative emotion seems to be directed inward. Bryant’s Marius is in love, and sounds perhaps a bit too confident and a bit too old for my taste. No, what really stands out here is Frances Ruffelle’s Eponine. God, I love Frances Ruffelle’s Eponine. Starting off strong with that agonized “every word that he says is a dagger in me,” she sounds so young, with an almost-whiny, heartwrenching edge that reminds me the most of her Brick characterization, but she gets so gentle on her last “waiting here.”

23. A Heart Full of Love - Katie Hall as Cosette, Gareth Gates as Marius Pontmercy, Rosalind James as Eponine Thenardier (2010)

This recording picks up with James’ Eponine’s “waiting here,” definitely an interesting comparison. She sounds awesome throughout this piece, with a lovely warm alto voice. And I love love LOVE Katie Hall’s Cosette, with all her strength and sweetness. God, you can hear her smiling. She shines the most when she sings her softest lines, like “no fear, no regret,” “I'm awake,” and the last “after all.” Gates’ Marius is incredibly charming, but still absolutely an awkward mess, and you can hear him dying inside when he says “oh God, for shame, I do not even know your name.” The balance between all three of their voices is perfect.

24. Plumet Attack - Frances Ruffelle as Eponine Thenardier, Bernard Leo Burmester as M. Thenardier (Original Broadway)

Burmester’s Thenardier is properly scary here. Once again Ruffelle’s Eponine steals the show, belting all of her lines perfectly. Her “told you I’d do it” is haunting and perfect and brave in that oh-so-Eponine way, with a hint of petulance.

25. One Day More - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Terrence Mann as Javert, Judy Kuhn as Cosette, Davis Bryant as Marius Pontmercy, Frances Ruffelle as Eponine Thenardier, Bernard Leo Burmester as M. Thenardier, Jennifer Butt as Mme. Thenardier (Original Broadway)

Everyone starts out so soft, and they make this song build so perfectly and balance each other out impeccably. Ruffelle’s Eponine’s “one more day all on my own” bit rises above it all, and her voice sounds so clear and powerful and good. Also did you hear that loud and long “one day more!” out of Wilkinson’s Valjean? And Les Amis’ triumphant swelling chorus? Everyone here is superhuman, I swear.

26. Building the Barricade (Upon These Stones) - Michael Ball as Marius, Kaho Shimada as Eponine Thenardier, Anthony Warlow as Enjolras, Philip Quast as Javert (International Symphonic)

It’s mistitled as “At the Barricade” but I pinky promise it’s not. Ball’s Marius sounds genuinely concerned and touchingly pissed. Shimada’s Eponine is sweet and playful, and her “little you know, little you care” has very little bite, which I’m not sure I like. What I absolutely adore, though, is the bit where she delivers Marius’ letter to Morris’ Valjean. Shimada sounds suddenly shy, and Morris seems in full adopting mode. Something about this exchange just feels incredibly sweet to me. And then when Morris reads Marius’ letter, and his little pause in the “you love me as well” part is perfection.

27. On My Own - Frances Ruffelle as Eponine Thenardier (Original Broadway)

What can I say? Ruffelle’s Eponine absolutely kills it. She has a lovely husky voice that sounds sweet and sad and angry and powerful and broken all at once. I love the way she sings “in the rain, the pavement shines like silver” and “and I know it’s only in my mind, that I’m talking to myself and not to him” and “all my life I’ve only been pretending” and of course that “a world that’s full of happiness that I have never known.” The way she builds up from sweet fantasizing to absolute anguish...and then she breathes out those last “I love him”s and she sounds like the teenager Eponine is. God. I need a moment. Or several.

28. Javert at the Barricade - Terrence Mann as Javert, I can’t find the Gavroche which enrages me to no end (Original Broadway)

Mann’s Javert isn’t as dramatic as I’d like, but I’m here for Gavroche. I do miss the Les Amis dialogue that happens in newer versions of this song, but the older version of this song, which includes a lot more of “Little People” is better in my opinion because it makes Gavroche’s death scene all the sadder. I adore this particular Gavroche’s sassiness and spunk and his powerful voice.

29. A Little Fall of Rain - Frances Ruffelle as Eponine Thenardier, Michael Ball as Marius Pontmercy (Original London)

Ruffelle’s Eponine sounds so utterly vulnerable here, but with a hint of strange almost-happiness that reminds me of the Brick’s version of her death scene. Her voice feels lighter and sweeter here than anything else, and Ruffelle’s Eponine always has a different way of singing when Marius can hear her from how she sings when he can’t, and here we feel them merging together, especially at her “hold me now and let it be, shelter me, comfort me.” And I adore Ball’s Marius softness here, especially during the duet part. His “hush-a-bye, dear Eponine” is angelic. The whole song feels so intimate with them. This is always the point where I start crying.

30. Night of Anguish - Michael Ball as Marius Pontmercy, Anthony Warlow as Enjolras, Gary Morris as Jean Valjean (International Symphonic)

Somber all-around, and everyone’s voice is good. No performer sticks out that much, to be honest. I do get chills whenever the “Drink with Me” theme comes on in the background. And when Jean Valjean comes in, the rising terror of Les Amis becomes apparent, and all their voices are strong.

31. The Attack - David Burt as Enjolras (Original London)

Again, a plot song in between the big ones, so not too much to say here, but everyone sings well.

32. Drink With Me - Aaron Tveit as Enjolras, George Bladgen as Grantaire, Eddie Redmayne as Marius Pontmercy, Daniel Huttlestone as Gavroche Thenardier (2012 movie)

Just to warn you, the sound doesn’t kick in until a few seconds in. I absolutely love this version (once the generous poster re-added Grantaire’s solo, of course). I love Tveit’s Enjolras’ weariness and gentleness at the beginning, reminiscent of Brick Enjolras who loves his friends in his fierce and quiet way. You can hear the heartbreak in his “Marius, rest.” I love how Huttlestone’s Gavroche echoes Les Amis’ lines throughout the chorus — I’ve never seen that in any of the stage productions. And God, Bladgen’s Grantaire. He is so much more earnest here than others I’ve seen, and I appreciate that he gets quiet on “can it be, you fear to die?” as if he’s past defiant anger and is already grieving. He just has a clear, lovely voice. And although it sucks that the movie cut his solo out and it had to be edited in this way, I almost like how faraway it makes this part sound, as if Grantaire is still holed up in the Corinthe with his wine, looking down at his friends, half-awake and helpless. I appreciate that Redmayne’s Marius’ lyric was changed from “Would you weep, Cosette, should Marius fall?” to “Would you weep, Cosette, if I were to fall?” because it sounds a lot more like something someone would actually say. Also, this is another clip with video, and I’m really happy with how it looks, especially the way both Enjolras and Valjean are off to the distance and the way it pans to Valjean when Marius is singing about Cosette.

33. Bring Him Home - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (10th Anniversary)

Wilkinson’s Valjean starts out so quiet, with the perfect sweet spot of vibrato. Literally all of his high notes sound perfect and still expressive! I almost don’t know what to highlight, but just listen to how he decrescendos on that “I am old, and will be gone” and the power in that “if I die, let me die” and that absolutely ethereal last “bring him home” which he holds for so so long for a note that high for a tenor. This man has the range, darlings.

34. Dawn of Anguish - Anthony Warlow as Enjolras (International Symphonic)

Warlow’s Enjolras absolute grief and tenderness is absolutely heartwrenching. The way he delivers the line “we will not abandon those who cannot hear.” And that little “Drink with Me” reprise feels like getting stabbed. Whenever they end it with “if I die, I die with you” I stop breathing for too many seconds.

35. The Second Attack/Death of Gavroche - Daniel Huttlestone as Gavroche Thenardier, Aaron Tveit as Enjolras, Hadley Fraser as the Army Officer (2012 movie)

Huttlestone’s Gavroche is amazing. You can hear that he’s in pain but not even scared as he sings in a clear, powerful voice. Fraser also killed his “you have no chance, no chance at all” and I’m honestly surprised he didn’t get cast as one of Les Amis. And, of course, Tveit’s Enjolras’ “until the Earth is free!” could have singlehandedly killed King Louis-Philippe.

36. Dog Eats Dog - Bernard Leo Burmester as M. Thenardier (Original Broadway)

Barry James’ Thenardier might be the funniest, but Burmester’s will always be the scariest. His growly tones and big dynamic changes and dramatic enunciation really make this. The breathy way he says “when the gutters run with blood” and his powerful final “the harvest moon shines down” is beyond chilling.

37. Javert’s Suicide - Philip Quast as Javert, Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean (10th Anniversary)

Wilkinson’s Valjean here is the angriest I’ve ever seen his portrayal of the character. There is so much pent-up bitterness in his “I knew you wouldn’t wait too long.” Quast’s Javert is wonderful, as always. In his duet part with Wilkinson, with his half-feral “I will be waiting, two-four-six-oh-one,” both of them shine. And then during his main soliloquy, when he goes from snarling, “it is either Valjean or Javert!” to sounding so soft and lost as he begins the “how can I now allow this man to hold dominion over me?” bit. And at his “by granting me my life today, this man has killed me even so,” you can hear him making his choice to jump, and it’s awful, and it’s perfect.

38. Turning - Original Broadway Cast

Oh, this song is so underrated, and these people do a particularly amazing job with it. Their voices sound so tired and worn, sometimes old and rough, sometimes young and light, and all of them heartbroken. Their “where’s that new world now the fighting’s done” and the way they sing the round section is haunting and beautiful.

39. Empty Chairs at Empty Tables - Eddie Redmayne as Marius Pontmercy (2012 movie)

I have to say, no one does this one like Eddie Redmayne. His Marius’ grief is absolutely crushing. I like how this arrangement goes super light with the instrumentals at first, and how Redmayne’s Marius starts off very soft. His “at the table in the corner” section gives me goosebumps every time, and he nails every single high note. And by the time we reach “phantom faces at the window,” he seems to be letting it out, and his “oh my friends, my friends, don’t ask me what your sacrifice was for” has me sobbing.

40. Every Day/A Heart Full of Love Reprise - Katie Hall as Cosette, Gareth Gates as Marius Pontmercy, John Owen Jones as Jean Valjean (2010)

Ah, Les Mis, killing me with the parallels once again. This version seems to go by awfully fast, but Hall’s Cosette and Gates’ Marius are properly sweet, and JOJ’s Valjean is gentle and sad and heartbreaking. All of their voices balance each other well.

41. Valjean’s Confession - Gary Morris as Jean Valjean, Michael Ball as Marius Pontmercy (International Symphonic)

I really don’t like versions that shorten this; I feel like Jean Valjean needs to be wordy here. In the Brick, he’s almost hysterical. Morris’ Valjean is so gentle, and you can hear the pleading and pain in his voice, on phrases like “she’s had enough of tears” and “to save his sister’s son” and then his voice is so powerful and despairing on “who am I?” and then when it gets soft..yeah I’m not okay. Ball’s Marius’ “it must be so” is pretty, but he doesn’t stick out that much compared to Morris’ powerhouse performance. Also, God the score playing “who am I?” in the background was just cruel. I love it.

42. The Wedding Chorale/Beggars at the Feast - Barry James as M. Thenardier, Gay Soper as Mme. Thenardier, Michael Ball as Mariius Pontmercy (International Symphonic)

James and Soper are just the right Thenardiers for the job. They are clearly having an extremely good time, and I love their sniveling and their scheming and their flamboyance. Ball’s Marius acts very well here too. I love his scoff at “do you think I don’t know who you are?” and his anger on Eponine’s behalf.

43. Finale - Colm Wilkinson as Jean Valjean, Randy Graff as Fantine, Frances Ruffelle as Eponine, David Bryant as Marius Pontmercy, Judy Kuhn as Cosette (Original Broadway)

I have no words.

#les mis #les miserables #jean valjean #javert #thenardier #madame thenardier #cosette #cosette fauchelevent #marius pontmercy #eponine #Eponine thenardier #gavroche thenardier #enjolras #grantaire #fantine #les amis #long post if you want it to be #angle o speak

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #439

“all the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, better run, outrun my gun”

Have you written a letter to a soldier? No. Ever been in a perfect relationship? I thought so. But no, those don't exist. The last song you listened to? "Broadcasting From Beyond" by Motionless In White. Have you ever wished you could hurt somebody as much as they hurt you? I... have, but I don't wish that at all anymore. Has a dentist ever screwed up on anything when working on you? No. Would you rather be a successful writer or artist? Artist. Who are you in love with? Nobody. Does someone’s view on homosexuality affect how you feel about them in any way? It sure as fuck does. How about someone’s view on religion? Nah. Well, usually. It depends on the beliefs themselves and to what extremity. What is something you wear that others might consider unfashionable? Flipflops, like... year-round, lmao. What kind of pill did you last take? It's called Lamictal, the catalyst for my primary mood stabilizer. Do you like wearing glasses? No. I'd wear contacts if I had the patience and non-shaky hands. What first comes to mind when thinking of 10th grade? Jason. -_- That's the year we started dating. What’s the scariest thing that’s happened to you? A traumatic breakup. Has an ambulance ever came to your house? Yes, for my mother. The person you’re thinking about - what are you thinking about them? Well, because you mentioned him, I'm thinking about Jason and just how I fucked shit up 'n stuff. How many different cars have you driven? Uhhhh I want to say two? But maybe just one? Was the last person you hung out with single? I guess that would be my mom, in which case yes. Have you ever attended a private school? My last college was a private school, yes. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No, and for that I am incredibly grateful. Have you ever cooked for anyone other than yourself? Yeah. I've made scrambled eggs for my family before as breakfast, and I did the same for Sara, too. Would you rather live in the city, the suburbs, or the rural area? Ugh, take me back to the middle of nowhere, please. :/ Do you know someone who is really ambidextrous? Sara! Are you adopted? No. Who was the last person that cried in your presence? Probably one of my nieces or nephew. Can you write your name in a foreign language? Uh, I think? In the German alphabet, "y" isn't actually a letter, and my name is Brittany, so I'm not entirely sure if it would be spelled that same way or not, but I think so. Who is the person you often go to for venting? My mom. Was the last person you kissed male or female? Female. Do you say “I love you” even when you don’t mean it? No. That shit can scar people (aka me) so goddamn deep when they don't mean it anymore. What’s the one thing you regret more than anything? Things I wrote to Jason in letters after the breakup. I would literally give a limb (no, I'm not exaggerating) to take it back. There are times I actually do wonder if we would've gotten back together if I wasn't just... a bitter and ridiculously hurt fuck that took it all out on him. Do you like vanilla? Yes. Do you own a bean bag chair? No. I actually do want one for my extra room/"office," though, to read on. Have you kissed any friends on your Facebook? Yeah. Do you get snow where you live? Occasionally, but it's very rarely a lot. What’s your favorite flavor of Doritos? Cool Ranch. Do you ever worry about what the world will be like when you have kids? Good thing I ain't havin' 'em. Have you ever seen a hippo in person? Yes. Do you like the band A Skylit Drive? I've actually only heard their "Love The Way You Lie" cover, which I do like. Have you ever been to any professional sports games? Yeah, with my dad. What’s the most boring sport to watch? Golf. But I don't particularly enjoy any. Do you like lip rings on the opposite sex? MHMMMMMMMMMMMMM. If you suddenly went deaf, what would be your most missed sound? Music. Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? If I actually wanted a dog, a Rottweiler. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional, for sure. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Zoo. Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? I know damn well I'd say yes to Jason in a heartbeat. Literally before even getting to know the current him. That's how emotionally attached I am to him, even with the trauma. I'd get back together with Sara if/when we both are more stable emotionally and with clear direction, which is mostly on my end now. I also don't think I'd be ready until one of us is able to move for the other. Is there a certain quote you live by? No. Do you have any tattoos? I have some, but not nearly enough. :( Are you friends with the last person you kissed? She's my bestie! :') Green or purple grapes? I don't really have much of a preference, so long as they're crisp. What is your ringtone? Just something that came with the phone. If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? Fuck no. What is something you wish you had more of? Adventure, for one. Have you ever trusted someone too much? JASON. HOLY FUCK. It was FACT to me that we would, could, never break up. It just... wasn't possible in my head. It was like breaking the laws of the world. When he told me he loved me and would never leave, I believed that shit as if it was God himself promising that. I've never and will never trust someone like that ever again, because it wasn't healthy in the slightest. Do you sleep with your window open? Noooo, that would freak me out. Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? Yeah; Tyler had snakebites. Did you go to high school with your current best friend? No; we live in different states. Whose was the last funeral you attended? Ummm I'm actually not sure. Do you avoid using public restrooms? Yes. Do you like eggnog? Nooooo. Who is the person you dislike the most? It's so fucking stupid... I know it is STILL the girl Jason dated after me. I don't even think they're together anymore, so why the fuck does it matter? I know NOTHING about this poor girl that just found someone she really liked and got dumped FOR THE SAME REASON AS ME. It shouldn't fucking matter, at all, but it still does in my head. Do you take part in paying the bills for your household? No, because I don't have an income. What is your favourite way to eat rice? As pork fried rice. What is the longest relationship you’ve ever been in? Over 3 1/2 years with Jason. Do you currently have any alarms set? No. How many cars can fit in your driveway? Barely even two. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Pokemon. Do you eat chili when you get a hotdog, or do you like it plain? I don't like chili. Would you ever tell your mom about the things you’ve done sexually? Not EVERYTHING, no. I wouldn't tell her anything at all unless she asked. I don't like talking about that stuff. Have you ever been in a car wreck? Yes. Has anyone ever told you that they think you have ADHD? Yes, which was absolutely, utterly ridiculous. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. Has anyone ever taken your own clothes off you before? Yes. Is there someone you want to kiss right now? Probably always will. -_- Have you ever had a real tea party? Or been to one? Ha ha no, but my little sister used to love to have little ones with her Disney princesses plastic tea set. She would always ask Mom or me to have one with her. Have you been called a tease? Only playfully. Did you kiss the last person you really wanted to kiss? Yes. Would you ever go to a protest or be involved in a protest? So long as it was peaceful, yes. When playing rock, paper, scissors, which do you usually pick? Scissors. Have you ever tried to write a book? Yes, when I was younger. Have you ever been hit by a chunk of hail? No. Is it true that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love another? Absofuckinglutely not. I'm proof of that. That idea is such bullshit. Do you share a bed with anyone? Just my cat. Who is one very unique celebrity/musician/whatever that you love? MARKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Could you handle babysitting two small children at once, such as two children under three years old? OH FUCK NO. Would you say that people consider you a major flirt? Definitely not. Do any of your friends have children? Yes. Would you rather cry in public or make someone else cry in public? I would FAR rather cry myself. I would feel so, so bad for making someone else cry, not even just in public. Would you rather re-live today forever or not live? Not live. Would you rather be just rich or rich and famous? Just rich. Who was the last person of the opposite sex to be in your bedroom? My nephew, I believe. He and Aubree wanted to see the snake. What’s your favourite kind of Cap’N Crunch? The "All Berries" one. What is your favourite Pepsi product? Mountain Dew. Is the computer you’re using yours? Yes. Do you get upset when a dog jumps on you? Not at all. I got used to that, and besides, it's cute to see them so excited. Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? World of Warcraft, sometimes. I usually play it daily, but there are some days where I just am not interested in it. What do you like on your pizza? Meats and/or jalapenos. Do you get breadsticks with your pizza? Mom usually gets 'em, yeah. Did you ever have a waterbed? Yeah. Not one anyone slept on regularly, but just like, a plastic one or whatever the material was to sleep in if someone was staying over. What toy from your childhood do you miss? I wish I didn't get rid of my big crocodile toy that I was obsessed with. :'( He was like the main character in the world I made up for him and his family. Have you ever been to a rock concert? Yeah. \m/ What is your religion? None. Do you like listening to love songs? Meh, I have to be in the mood, plus it depends on the song. A lot of them trigger me. What is one meal that you like to eat while sick? I'm nervous to eat when I'm sick, so I mostly just have saltine crackers and ginger ale. Have you ever fed bread to ducks or geese? Yeah, when I was a kid and didn't know it was bad for them and the water. I never would now. The name of the last board game that you played? I think it was "Sorry!" with the kids. Has anyone ever commented on your weight? I mean, doctors, but not in a judgmental, belittling way. Just in a way that expressed concern for my health. Have you ever thought about joining the military? NOOOOOOOOOO. Have you ever felt like you were going out of your mind? Yes. And I don't mean that as an exaggeration; I believe I've literally qualified as insane at a point after the breakup. I was so fucking delusional and desperate and just going in circles. Are you ever jealous of happy couples? Meh, sometimes. Lately, who has spent the most time on your mind? Take a guess. .-. It's been pretty bad lately. Do you ever feel like someone would be disappointed to see your body or are you comfortable with your body enough where you don’t think that? I have a HORRIBLE body image. My body fucking disgusts me. I don't even like my mother seeing me get changed or anything like that. I don't want ANYBODY seeing me naked. What is your favorite flavor of Monster? I don't like any that I've ever had a sip of. Have you ever ran from the police? No. That never goes well. Do you have any trophies? Yeah. Do you like screamo music? No. What does your wallet look like? It's a checkered Harley Quinn one. Is there something nobody knows about you (and what)? Yes. Why would I share that if I don't want anyone to know? Does your family have a secret? No. Do you do anything to help the environment? We recycle. Mom also cuts up those plastic things that come with soda bottles packed together, as well as some other plastic wrappings. We are both disgusted by people who litter, so we avoid that. I also try to conserve water where I can, like by turning the sink off when I brush my teeth. There are other little things, but I wish I did even more. Do you like to take pictures of yourself? FUCK NO. It is so rare I do that nowadays. When/where are you most likely to sing? The car. Would you ever wish to explore a cave? OH MY GOD, PLEEEEEAAAAASE <3 What is the most illegal thing you’ve done? Pirated an expensive editing software, oops. :x Have you ever seen somebody get shot? LKJ;ALSDJFA;JWELKRJLW;Q NOOOOOOOOO.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''pumped up kicks'' by 3teeth

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melonsmessymusings · 4 years

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Potential Post S2 Fic...

Right so my current WIP seems to be going alright, but someone asked is there’s going to be a sequel and I honestly hadn’t even considered it... until 4am the other day. Since then, I’ve written a 5,000 word outline of what the plot would be, with every twist and turn and everything in alarming detail.

Basically it’d be a Post-Becoming ‘What we did on our summer holiday’ type thing focused around recovery for each of the gang except Buffy, because she’s not fuckin there, and I’ve got some really interesting ideas that are getting steadily weirder.

It won’t be happy, it’s going to mess everyone up because I really want to write a story focusing on how they all coped after the whole Acathla and Angelus thing. Because let’s be honest, everyone was a mess and obviously they would be and I don't think it was properly addressed in canon. Now I’m by no means suggesting that what could be created will be any good, and it might be way off base but now that I’ve got the idea in my head, it won’t fucking leave. Let me give a brief overview of what the plan is in my head:

A massive angst fest with copious whump, guilt, and torment and all that jazz. I want the gang breaking down every thirty seconds because they don’t know what to do.

I want the Police launching a full scale investigation as to what the ever loving fuck happened that night. I want them starting a manhunt for Buffy, keeping tabs on all the Scoobies and just generally doing their fuckin jobs for once.

I want Willow blaming herself for Buffy running away because if she’d been able to do the spell the first time then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I want her actually recovering from nearly dying and turning into a mother hen about the others. I want her making the guys take their meds, I want her planning things to do to make the idea of doing physio fun because if she focuses on how badly everyone is hurting then she'd literally become catatonic.

I want Xander utterly helpless as his friends struggle to heal from it all and falling into a manic depression. I want him turning that uselessness into learning to cook so he can make dinner for everyone. I want him doing night shifts at people’s houses to make sure they’re not alone, I want him trying to be the glue that holds everyone together through the tough times.

I want Giles to be going physically insane with finding Buffy while literally falling apart. I want him to be forced to accept what happened to him and I want him to actually look like he was fucking brutally tortured for like twelve hours by a one of the most evil vampires to plague the earth, because he was. I want him utterly unable to cope with it and being a complete state no matter what anyone does to try and help him. I want him to stay up all night trying to find Buffy and being prepared to do anything to get her back home safe even if he has to sell his soul to Satan. I want the guy to be a fuckin husk of the man he once was because his whole life fell apart in the space of like a month and a half and believe me, that shit breaks you.

Joyce needs to be a wreck, I want her to blame Giles for everything even though she knows it’s not his fault deep down. I want her to help Willow and Xander, and later Giles, in recovering and finding Buffy. I want her to understand the impact of her words and actions. I want to explore how she met that bitch Pat and how she dealt with Hank when he’d be all ‘I knew you couldn’t handle her’ and being a downright arsehole.

Giles teaching them how to patrol because there’s no fucking way he’s going to let them out without some training and preparation. He probably won’t let them out anyway but he knows he can’t stop them and he’s in no state to do anything himself.

I want the Watchers’ Council to get involved and run an investigation. I want them to be like ‘oh dear Rupert, it’s all gone terribly wrong’ because fucking Kendra died on top of this mess and now they need to find the next Slayer. Travers frothing at the mouth because everything seems to always go wrong on Giles’ watch and it’s not funny anymore.

Snyder being a nuisance because it’s funny and he’s convinced that these meddling kids are going to ruin his perfect structure and order.

There needs to be a hopeful ending not a happy one because that’s not how life works. I want them all to be hopeful that Buffy’s return will bring a sense of normalcy and balance back to their lives. They won’t ever recover from it, but eventually the pain becomes bearable and they can begin to move on.

Do you see why I want this? There’s so much potential to unpack there. I’ve been desperate to give my own interpretation of the between season events, but never had the balls to actually start it. Until now.

Is that something you'd be interested in reading? Because I may and or may not have started it and blasted 18K words out in two days... so it’s not something that won’t exist. If anyone has any ideas on stuff like the title or just wants to tell me to shut the fuck up and stop wasting people’s time, let me know.

#btvs #buffy the vampire slayer #buffy summers #willow rosenberg #xander harris #rupert giles #fanfic #ao3 writer #honestly what the fuck is wrong with me #someone send help

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scoundrels-in-love · 4 years

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Did you slip in through open doors and sit down, just to look at me like that (every day) | Chapter 2 - Jaime I

Brienne doesn’t mean to lie to her father. She just wants him to stop trying to set her up with men who aren’t Jaime Lannister, whom she’s secretly in love with. Unfortunately, that’s exactly who eagerly inserts himself in the narrative as her fake boyfriend. And her father is coming to King’s Landing in two weeks.

Truly, what could go wrong?

Also on AO3. Still part of @jbmonthlymadness Mutual Pining March.

He is so, so fucked.

Not quite the same way he thought a week ago, but still very much fucked.

Jaime glances over to where Brienne is watching a game on the couch for what feels like the hundredth time this half hour. While that itself isn’t unusual, everything else is. Tenseness in her shoulders he isn’t sure he will lure out with a stupid joke and then slay with even worse one, the way they’ve barely spoken to each other today and that his heart is being harshly kneaded by some huge, clawed animal. He’d say it’s a lion, but considering his House that feels just a little cliche .

Though, according to Elia, he is a walking cliche and a terribly executed one, at that. He sighs, realizes that the beer bottle really isn’t where he’s blindly grabbing for it, and averts his gaze from his fake girlfriend. There is exactly one word too many in that title and it’s neither girl or friend. If only he could convince Brienne of the same.

Jaime has tried , he really has. Gotten up earlier to make sure he can prepare her coffee and go on a jog with her, kissed her goodbye on the cheek, pestered her into having a lunch during work hours and ordered takeout to arrive just after she got home the days he knew he’d be home even later than her, sent her obscure memes about animals he found on some nature activist group on Raventome that he frankly didn’t get but hoped she would and have a good laugh between work and more.

Granted, he does all these things regularly anyway (except the cheek kisses, but he isn’t sure they’re as much of a highlight of the day for her as they are for him), but now it’s daily. And it’s not a bother, like Brienne tries to convince him to think, and Jaime would gladly do it for the rest of the foreseeable future. Even waking an hour earlier, although he likes to think that if they were properly dating, he’d persuade her to explore other workouts they could do in the time without leaving the house.

Elia suggested it’s because she’s stressed about the convention, but Jaime knows better. (“Of course you do, that’s why you suggested to be her fake boyfriend instead of telling her you’ve been head over heels for her for years now.”) No, Brienne’s work has nothing to do with the skittishness in her eyes, the way she freezes when he presses lips to her delightfully reddening cheek, sometimes daring to brush corner of her mouth or lingering a second too long because her proximity makes him a little dizzy, or stumbles over conversations topics as if they are larger than boulders she can easily best when hiking. She doesn’t even shut down his flirtations anymore - instead she looks away and mumbles something or trips into the next topic.

Their new arrangement is the cause, and the realization has been rolling toward him like a house sized morning star down a gentle slope.

“Jaime? Movie’s starting,” subject of his sweet agony and worry calls out and Jaime realizes he has quite literally spaced out. And that perhaps his inner narrator is going a little overboard. Elia would have another laughing fit if she knew.

He grabs the snacks and another beer and presents them to her with a smile, falls heavily in his spot that earns a little bit of glare from Brienne because, of course, she’s concerned for the springs and one of these days he will tell her he can think of more interesting things to wreck their couch with. ‘One of these days’ feels like an awful stretch and ‘a mountainclimb later’ sort of thing, though. He heaves a sigh.

“Everything alright, Jaime?” she asks and he looks at her, armed with a bright smile and an easy no, when they crumble faced with concern that colors the blue of her eyes deeper, yet gilded shade like the last glimpse of sunset paints the sea. Of course Brienne finds time to worry about him, despite seemingly thinking she’s standing between two cannons labelled ‘work’ and ‘fake boyfriend’, ready to shoot.

He wants to pull her close and press a kiss to her furrowed brow so much he can physically feel an alternate reality, one where he’s braver and does just that, manifest.

Unfortunately, in this one Jaime only laughs and plops his head in her lap, facing the TV. “Of course I am, B. But if you’re so worried, you can always pet my head and tell me it’s going to be alright.” He likes it when she says that, the way she sets her jaw mulishly and seems to simply talk it into existence with sheer willpower and kindness. But never for herself, only others.

Brienne stills for a moment, then, much to his relief, makes indigant noise and pushes at his shoulder slightly but with no real force. “I’m not a cushion, Jaime” she tells him and he shifts just so he can grin up at her.

“C’mon, I’ve been a good boyfriend this week, have I not earned one lap cushion coupon? I must use it before it expires.”

“ Fake boyfriend,” she says seriously and Jaime looks at the screen again so she can’t witness his grin shattering like the window of Casterly Rock’s kitchen when he had been six and too eager while playing ball. He might feel even more chastised than after the lecture Tywin had given him, which had left a stone grinding sharp edge in his gut for a week.

“Fine, but I am not going to pet your head. You are not an overgrown housecat, no matter how much you may act as one,” Brienne relents, but by the end of the movie, she brushes back a strand he has shaken into his eyes and halfway through the second movie, she actually runs her hand through his hair and he barely manages to remain still, instead of following her hand like foam graces a wave’s edge.

All things considered, Jaime feels re-energized for the next week and his little war campaign on Brienne’s heart. He likes to think of it as war, though she is not a thing to conquer despite her truly formidable walls, just to trounce the narrative she has set for herself.

Once, before that fatefully shitty night when a pipe in his first own apartment burst and Brienne had invited him to stay over until it was fixed (and then he never really left), they had talked about who they would be in Targaryen and Stark eras, both revealing their dreams about knighthood.

Already knowing her love for ridiculous, historical(ly inaccurate) romance novels, he had joked if she’d not like ballads written about her instead, but Brienne’s face had shuttered and she had reminded him that no one would go to war for her . “I would rather defend the innocent and fight than stay home a sad and unmarried maid,” she had concluded, before going off about Blue Knight and other warrior women of Tarth. Jaime had already known back then that in any lifetime she’d be worthy of many great songs - of love and otherwise. But the bridge of their friendship was tentative still and he had had no intentions of being the one to lay the siege on her heart.

And when he had wanted to, he had already been so deep in the annoying, best friend role and still so utterly not having his shit together he didn’t feel he had the right to start the march. Someone better would surely come along. Except no one has, three years later still, and Brienne seems to think it’s a sign she only deserves a photoshopped suit-hanger and Jaime would rather be pierced endlessly by her glowering and risk her friendship that he treasures above anything he has ever known, than passively let her continue believing that.

For now, he’s only dying because of work, as they are currently quite swamped. It doesn’t help at all that his brain is a little (or a whole lot, but who’s counting) occupied with various Romance-Brienne-So-Hard-She-Doesn’t-Know-What-Hit-Her strategies. His plans for Friday come to immediate stop when he arrives home and finds Brienne fallen asleep at the kitchen table, her laptop’s screensaver of pixelated Kingslayer and Blue Knight from their favorite cartoon bouncing around the screen. He had installed it the first week of living here and despite her initial grumbling, she has never changed or disabled it.

This would be easier if Brienne’s one quirk when working at home wasn’t changing her workspace every few hours, as if it helps her think. It’s one of her most restless habits and typically, Jaime finds it adorable, but now that he has to haul half-asleep Brienne to her room he… Who is kidding, he also finds it endearing.

“Jaime, I can walk,” she scoffs, but leans on him anyway and when he helps her lay down on the bed, her eyes are soft and a little dazed and he thinks of early spring mornings, when nothing but the birds and clouds are awake yet, against the blueness of the sky.

Brienne curls up and he pulls a blanket over her and she gives him a sleepy smile, so warm that the consistent pull toward her feels anchored to the sun itself. He follows it and leans down and presses lips to her forehead. She exhales softly and when he pulls back, her eyes are closed, but there’s an almost sad turn to her lips.

“I really don’t want this to end, Jaime.” Her voice is so quiet he almost doesn’t hear - he wouldn’t if he wasn’t so close. His heart does an odd thing in his chest, something that would make it more of a rope dancer than a lion leaping through a ring of fire.

Jaime brushes a strand of her hair back, gently, in an attempt to reassure what odd fear has burrowed into her heart. He shouldn’t be so happy every time Brienne expresses she doesn’t want to lose him, but even her brilliant light can’t erase generations of carefully cultivated selfishness. “It doesn’t have to.”

“But it will.” And then she nuzzles deeper in the pillow and he knows this is a conversation to be finished (or maybe repeated) when she’s actually awake. Quietly, he walks out of the room and when the door has shut gently, bounces toward the living room with a grin that everyone would tell him begs for a punch.

There is hope for him yet.

#Jaime x Brienne #braime #braime ff #rainy writes stuff #my fic #I don't know how to format these things *sad noises*

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yuzuka-rei · 4 years

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foxhole court thoughts dump so they’re not in my head anymore

1, so okay just fuck im so so so into the kevin/riko dynamic,,, codependency is so my thing and to read/write about kevin’s slow decision that he doesn’t want to be overshadowed by riko anymore, his hope that riko will accept him as an equal/superior, riko’s betrayal by breaking his hand, leaving the Nest and realising that he knows he shouldnt want to go back but he wants to (think about breakups- you always want to breakup with a toxic s.o until you’ve actually broken up then you feel empty and you want to go back) just,,,

kevin/riko is at its heart an extremely toxic relationship between someone truly demonic and someone so very human and just to see how riko would give kevin glimpses of love so that he would continue to follow him is just---------- also like riko would definitely try to tempt kevin back with the promise of love and then how andrew gives kevin a reason to stay and just- why does no one write about it!!

i also want someone to rewrite riko as less of a caricature,,, a youtube review put it really really well which was that the sports storyline had to match the level of the mafia storyline and thus riko became too much of a demon. i want to read a version, at the expense of the unbalanced stakes, i want to see riko be human, selfish, needy, tries to please kevin but the minute said “pleasing” doesnt match his own desires he stops, just i want!! to see!! riko be human!! and hate him just as much as i UNDERSTAND him (like cersei god i LOVE cersei shes terrible and i would stab her if i met her but shes an amazingly human character and i understand and in her place i would make every one of her decisions without flinching...)

anyways, riko moriyama, i want to write/read him in a way, like if this portrayal makes you want to call him your son its exactly NOT what i want (if someone writes riko in a way that makes you wanna protect him, sorry, not my thing sis, misplaced burn but this sort of person is exactly the sort of person that would have proudly claimed and advertises that they are “slytherin”, because they’re “evil” and “cunning” and “selfish” you’re delusional dude why would you WANT to be in the “evil” house (people who want to be slytherin because they’re ambitious etc etc are valid though) no mentally stable person actively wants to be bad, its human nature to try to strive for good, but sometimes what is good for you is bad for other people and you don’t care)

like i want to see that, riko knows what hes doing is horrid and you know you really should hate him, i want it to hurt, i want you to want to despise him but at the same time you see yourself in him, that makes you fear at night that you will too one day become like this. i dont want riko to be EXCUSED i want him to be UNDERSTOOD.

2, okay so andrew/kevin. equally as toxic.

(toxic doesn’t mean its entirely impossible or morally corrupt it just means that unless they actively take.a lot of initiative to change their personalities all the relationship will do is hurt both of them, honestly apart from dan/matt/katelyn/neil/renee everyone else in these books would make pretty toxic relationships... like imagine allison and kevin... a fucking wreck sis)

i personally don’t think those two can possibly have a healthy relationship unless its coupled with neil [nora’s original idea of the threesome also sounds pretty unhealthy but so so so intriguing... im glad she wrote andrew/neil instead that was pretty healthy all things considered]

but just the IDEA of kevin being utterly utterly obsessed with riko, and to deal with these feelings he moves them entirely to andrew [i did this for my own relationship, like i got broken up with and to deal with the pain of that i latched onto the most unattainable person in my world... its ending fairly badly] and then he heals from riko and he falls in love with things about andrew that dont echo riko, then andrew pushes him away because andrew doesn’t want to hurt kevin (or himself) and just them dancing around each other, always protecting each other and always there for each other but neither of them are allowed to make a move... for any other pairing in this situation they would’ve become fuck buddies but that doesn’t work for andrew and people he actually cares about and its a mess

then neil comes along and they both “fall in love” with him, like they genuinely love neil but neil isn’t part of their codependency, they love him because hes a breath of fresh air, hes a pipe dream, hes perfect in every way but they’re also afraid of breaking him, you know? they both love in such all consuming and selfish ways. and neil literally loves like a first grader- this is his first relationship dude, he may believe that the world is a terrible place but you bet he still believes that everything in a relationship can be solved by love alone when it can’t. basically my point is that canon kandreil/kandrew would be a mess and while fluff fics are generally nice id love to explore exactly how much angst we can squeeze out of this shit

anyways this was a ramble feel free to disagree and only talk to me if you agree dude i have no qualms in admitting that i dont like talking to people who dont think the same way as me and i doubt you do either sis

#aftg #rikev #kandrew

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mirainawen · 4 years

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Some headcanons for The Long Road that absolutely nobody asked for

Who’s the messiest one:

Everyone has their places that they are the messiest one in.

dean: when he cooks, he does not clean up the kitchen afterward. he reasons that cleanup is sam's detail, because that splits the work 50-50. most of the time, sam is okay with this because he doesn't particularly enjoy cooking and is tired of takeout. he'll bitch dean out in three circumstances: 1, he hasn't been there (fair), 2, he wanted to eat out (less fair), 3, DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO WRECK THE WHOLE KITCHEN TO BAKE A FRICKIN PIE (least fair).

when it comes to the state of his room, though, dean falls right between sam and adam. it's his space, so he reasons everyone can mind their own business. sometimes he is really on top of it; other stretches of time, he'll let things pile up / get out of place before he'll do something about it.

you so much as leave a to-go cup in Baby, though, and God help you.

sam: between the three of them, sam tends to be the most orderly and tidy. BUT, leave that man alone to his own devices in the library? he's probably fallen asleep atop an entire table of "organized chaos" of open books, pages of notes, a new (unimplemented) filing system, a dozen bookmarked tomes, and a couple dozen pens lost amid the chaos. sam in research mode + cross-referencing & digitizing & organizing the men of letters' archives into a streamlined and interconnected, coherent system is...a lot. just like A Lot. and it Shows. (and sam's loving every minute of it. utterly geeking out in his own head.)

adam: is a disaster child. he'll let shit pile up until he has to deal with it, or is otherwise bitched at enough by (usually) sam. he doesn't have a lot of stuff, so it can't reach actual problem levels in the bunker. but he's totally the kind to be like, "what the hell? how long has this been here? hey, guys, when did we eat at burger king? oh god, we should definitely toss that at the next gas station. what? no i'm not going searching for a trash can right now" about his car.

Who feels the most uncomfortable about PDA:

it is, get this, sam. i know, i know. hear me out. when given the option, adam can and will be affectionate within reason. he's the most uptight and gunshy about it at first, when he just gets out of the cage; tends to withdraw from people getting too close, always on edge; as a survivor of the most Traumatic Thing in the Universe, that is more than fair and expected.

once he's had time to find his footing with sam & dean, however, he'll greet them with a bro-hug, when appropriate, a slap on the back, a nudge of the elbow, lowkey affection like that.

dean came back from purgatory more affectionate than he'd ever been before. much more readily will not only greet with a hug, but say goodbye (even in 'casual' partings) with a hug.

that leaves sam, who used to be considered more mushy than dean by these terms. dean's lowkey affection he's used to. adam's? nah. no. especially in the first 5 years, for the amount of time that adam does it (before shit gets Real Bad). after adam gets out of the institution, he gravitates more towards sam naturally, even when pissed, and sam's kinda lowkey why is he in my personal space??? weird. because it doesn't innately fit the same kind of way it does with dean. post-reintegration, he's more affectionate after they've found their footing again. he tries to make up for the Bad Years with more slaps on the shoulder kind of affection. boy's trying.

Who’s the funniest drunk:

sam is a disaster drunk. he's the biggest lightweight of the three of them, which is funny because he's also the biggest, just like the biggest in general. dean becomes so much fun in unexpectedly different kinds of ways. like, he can be talked into karaoke. or doing some stupid shit he's gonna regret in the morning because odds are it's not gonna end well.

but adam is straight up hilarious. that sharp wit comes out, and all his inhibitions (and image) are gone so he just straight up cracks the worst jokes ever and gets away with it. they land. somehow they land. maybe because sam & dean are also drunk. maybe because he is just that funny. maybe it's that he has a tendency to get blackout-wasted and do stupid shit that makes no sense whatsoever, like shower with his f*ckin socks on and dean is never gonna let that shit die.

Who texts the most:

adam or dean. during large periods of time in the first 5 years, adam will leave dean on read and dean texts because read receipts means he knows when adam is checking his messages and therefore he knows adam is at least alive, if not entirely alright. by that view, dean texts the most.

but for random shit, that would be adam. he'll text dean something like

with either no caption, or something like: this reminds me you need to hit the gym, or looks like you have competition and doesn't give further context. dean doesn't mind because at least it means the kid's not dying in a basement somewhere.

he'll kick his ass for the fat comment later

Who reads the most:

it goes in this order:

sam "i read this entire book in one sitting cause i had the time, and now i am awake at 1am because i can't decide if i want to start another one since i have down time" winchester

adam "does it have cool illustrations? no? fine, at least tell me the lore on boobries is correct" milligan

dean "what job has the least amount of reading?" winchester

Who has the most embarrassing taste in music:

eff. ing. adam. even in his own car (where, hey, the rules are driver picks the music dean!) he's only allowed a certain amount of time for his "whiny teenage garbage music" (thanks dean) before he has to change it to something a little more tolerable (rock, at the very least). heaven help him if he hints at something country with dean around. dean will be like, sit your ass down it's time for REAL music 101 and put on Metallica for the 8th time.

Who’s better with kids:

adam, with dean a very, very close second! so close, they probably tie. adam, early on, isn't good with anyone because fresh-out-of-the-cage (even post-institution for a bit) makes him kind of a hairs-breadth triggered bomb when it comes to people of all ages. but adam a bit more balanced? a natural. he grew up around extended family, friends, wanted kids of his own someday.

sam, however, is the absolute worst. a pure disaster moron in this arena. when adam is de-aged? dean didn't think it was possible for sam to suck so much at something. (don't worry, the boy found his bearings. but oh man...the road to get there, paved with more potholes than road.) BUT when sam really tries? like if he lets himself relax and lowers his inhibitions, he can do pretty well. but he's mostly just Highly Uncomfortable around kids, and like, it Shows.

Who’s the one that fixes things around the house:

dean. put that boy in the garage, under the hood of a car, great. can do it all. put that boy in front of a little home repair? renovation? by god he'll figure it out. and he won't put a hole in the wall shut up sammy. he takes pride in the upkeep of the bunker.

sam, however, is much more content to just be like ah man i wish we had a shelf here. or, oh right we need to remember to do xyz and then sit back and wait for it to Magically Take Care of Itself.

Who’s got the weirdest hobby:

hobby? what the hell is that? a homeless person?

Who cooks and who cleans up:

dean cooks, sam cleans. adam cooks, sam and dean will rock-paper-scissors for cleanup. or leave adam to do it. sam is never allowed to cook. he's a horrible cook. they'd literally rather eat out than let sam cook. sam, of course, is highly insulted, but also like...he knows dean & adam are better cooks. they just are. yes, fine, he'll wash the dishes again.

every now and then he gives it a shot. surprisingly he makes really good pancakes. he'll cook just to force one of the others to have to cleanup when he's tired of being on dish duty. dean & adam are not impressed when he tries to leverage sandwiches for dish duty.

sam, somewhat sloshed on a saturday night will be like, guys! guys! hey why don't i make us food and dean and adam are like, duuuuuude. ...wait, no. sam- and he's like, no, guys, i got this, and brings them microwave burritos. and THEN they're like hey! no! this does NOT mean we're doing dishes!

#the long road #supernatural #tlr headcanons #dean winchester #sam winchester #adam milligan #ioannemos #i'm tagging you in this even though you did not ask for it

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syntaxeme · 4 years

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Giardino Segreto ch. 8

[Read on AO3] | [First chapter] | [Next chapter] Rating: T Chapter summary: Molly is wary of Angel's new 'family' and their intentions. But are her suspicions based on observation or misinformation? One has to wonder where she's getting these ideas.

— — –

While Alastor sat aside and waited for Angel to join them, Venture was a veritable flurry of action, sorting through files, making calls, meeting with family members and giving orders. Granted, they had only been working together for the past month or so, but the change in her performance was shocking nevertheless. ‘Trying harder,’ indeed!

An hour or so after Alastor had entered the office, the doors swept open again to reveal a properly-dressed and put-together Angel with Molly in tow. She observed the space with wide eyes as she followed him inside and he explained proudly, “So this is my office. You met my consigliere already. Everything goin’ okay down here, Venn?”

While she might have normally responded with a clever quip or a tongue-in-cheek ‘no thanks to you,’ she instead gave him a curt nod, only looking up from her work briefly. “I’m drafting a contract for Cherri’s Dust dealer. I’ll need you to look over it by the end of the day so I can finalize that deal. The Cortezes got back to us with an offer this morning too, so let me know when you’re ready to discuss it.” And back she went to writing up the contract.

“Uh, yeah, will do.” Angel gave Alastor a confused look, as if to ask What’s up with her? but the Radio Demon could only shrug. It wasn’t as if he could explain to Angel the conversation they’d had earlier and the real reason for her increase in productivity. The boss frowned and turned back to Molly. “Eh, she’s usually more fun than that”—he shot her a look to see if his jab had provoked a response, but there was none—“but I guess she’s…busy today. Hey, Al, I’m givin’ Molls a tour around the place. Wanna come with?”

“Happy to,” Alastor agreed, much preferring an upbeat Angel to the very concentrated Venture. He joined Molly in following the boss downstairs to the ground floor and couldn’t help feeling that even though Angel was leading her around the building and pointing out all its various features, she was watching Alastor warily the entire time. Had he done something to offend her? Was his first impression in Angel’s room enough to make her assume he was up to no good? He could only hope his smile would make him seem less threatening—though he was aware it often had the opposite effect.

“And look, you’re gonna like this,” Angel was saying, holding Molly’s hand as they came back to the lobby and he led the way up the stairs to the mezzanine and lounge area. In addition to the bar, there was a sprawling seating area with armchairs and loveseats, along with a more unusual addition, which Angel had insisted was necessary: a grand piano where, every night, one of their host of demons would provide live music for the guests. And, just as he’d predicted, Molly lit up at the sight.

“Ooh, it’s gorgeous,” she cooed, hurrying across the room to seat herself at the bench and run her hand along the cover over the keys. As Angel and Alastor joined her, she looked up at her brother with eyes sparkling in excitement. “Can I…?”

“Yeah, I figured you wouldn’t be able to resist,” he laughed, leaning against the side of the piano. “Knock yourself out.”

She lifted the cover, quickly found her fingering, and started to play with ease, evidently from memory. Angel went to stand over her shoulder and watch her hands move, so Alastor joined at his other side. He didn’t recognize the tune, but it was lovely regardless, and Molly played without a single falter or sour note. He somehow felt a bit more respect for her, seeing how focused and skilled she was at what he knew for a fact was a difficult instrument to master. For a moment, he entertained the idea of joining her—but it seemed a step too far. Maybe he would demonstrate his skills at another time.

“She’s good,” he noted honestly.

“Always has been,” Angel agreed with the slightest smile on his lips. It wasn’t the cocky grin he usually wore, all smug, pushy bravado; it was softer, more genuine, and Alastor finally realized how much it had been upsetting him to be separated from his twin.

That was only natural, all things considered. She was always the one to support him through their father’s violent outbursts, the only one in the Dellarosa household he could confide in and look to for understanding. Having that so suddenly removed from his life to be replaced by an army of demons who hardly knew him… Alastor could only imagine how it must feel. He watched as Angel sat at her side, looking more relaxed than ever, and he realized this was a problem.

Angel missed his sister. He was happier for her presence. Meaning that when she left to return to the Dellarosas, when she became ‘the enemy’ again, he would be utterly miserable. They couldn’t have that. Not only would it be a detriment to Angel’s overall mood, but it could interfere with his goal of taking down the Dellarosa family in the long run. Something would have to be done.

As Molly finished her song to light applause from the few guests in the area, she blushed and smiled bashfully. “Still got it,” Angel told her with a grin.

“Never lost it,” she teased back. “Hope I didn’t bother anyone.”

“Please, they should be thankin’ you,” he said, waving off her concerns. “Besides, I own the place; we can do what we want.”

“I still don’t get how you pulled it off. I mean, I saw this place a couple months ago, and it was a wreck!” Her eyes lingered on the glittering chandelier above them. “And I thought the owners were gonna demo it or somethin’. How’d you get ‘em to hand it over?”

“Eh, I had some help from my sottocapo here.” Angel nodded in Alastor’s direction. “This guy might not look like it, but he’s got a few tricks up his sleeves ya wouldn’t expect. He bought the place for a song and then gave it to me as a”—he tossed Alastor a smarmy smirk over his shoulder—“token of his affection. Didn’t ya, honey?”

You have no idea.

“You’re absolutely right, cher. You might also call it an investment.” There was something gratifying in the knowledge that Angel would so readily flirt with him around others, including his sister, even if in a teasing way. It felt legitimizing in a way, as if they did actually have some sort of relationship already. Of course, Alastor tried to take that satisfaction with a grain of salt, as the boss didn’t hesitate to flirt with anyone, but it still felt different when addressed at him. More specific, less flippant.

“Affection, huh?” Molly said, eyeing Alastor skeptically.

“Oh, come on, don’t make that face.” Angel nudged his shoulder into hers. “Not every guy I get with is a complete asshole.”

‘Get with’? That was a conveniently vague description of what was going on between the two of them.

“I’ll believe that when I see it,” Molly answered, pursing her lips. “Anyway, this is all nice, but I wanna know where the real business goes on. I know you and your consigliere run things upstairs, but what about the soldatos? What about the caporegimes? It can’t be just the few of you.”

“They stay in the rooms all over; it ain’t the same as Pop’s place where everybody’s separated. I got capos on floor twelve and floor two. I got soldatos on floor ten and floor five. They’re just around.”

“But.” Molly’s face twisted into a pretty frown of confusion. “How do you keep everyone in line like that?”

“Oh, that’s not an issue,” Alastor answered before realizing he might be stepping on Angel’s toes. Still, the boss gestured for him to go on, so he continued, “Every member of our family has known since their arrival that Angel is the one in charge. We’ve only been in business a short time, but every day he makes it clearer that he knows what he’s doing and is someone to be trusted. I know without doubt that our people see that and respect it.” Angel beamed at his compliments, and he meant every word.

“It’s pretty impressive to have their loyalty after just a month or so,” Molly noted. “How many’d you say there are?”

“Like two hundred, give or take.”

She bit her lip, the gesture eerily reminiscent of Angel’s habit of doing the same. But why should she be nervous at the moment? “That’s way more than Papa’s got,” she said with a weak laugh.

“Yeah, that was kinda the point,” Angel agreed with a satisfied smirk. This was another particular he had stipulated when the Giardinos first began. “Gonna be a lot easier runnin’ him outta business when we can prove we got better forces.”

The young woman drew into herself slightly, legs crossed at the ankle, hands folded delicately in her lap. “You’re really serious about that?” she asked gently.

“C’mon, Molls.” The boss let out a sigh and pushed to his feet. “Don’t get all weepy about it. I know ya don’t like thinkin’ about it, but you can’t act like he doesn’t deserve some kinda payback for all the shit he’s put me through. I ain’t askin’ ya to help me do it, but ya ain’t gonna stop me either.”

“No, I know,” Molly said hastily, her hands clasping tighter as she looked up at him with what seemed more like concern than irritation. “I’m sorry, caro. I don’t want you thinkin’ I’m not happy for you. I am. I’ve just been worried. You’ve been gone all this time, and nobody knew what you were up to. I’ve never been away from you that long before, especially not knowin’ why. It was scary.”

Angel ran his fingers through his hair to comb it back from his eyes, visibly fighting guilt over his sister’s discomfort. “Yeah, I get it. Look, why don’t we take a step back from the whole business thing for a minute?” He paused to check his watch. “I’ll take you to lunch or somethin’ and we can just talk like normal for a while. Okay?”

She smiled sheepishly. “I’d like that, Angelino.”

“C’mon, then. Lemme show ya around my part of town a little.” The two started toward the stairs, but he paused when he realized Alastor wasn’t following. “You comin’, Al?”

It was difficult to miss the distinct pout on Molly’s face as she turned to continue on her way as if she hadn’t noticed Angel stopping. Difficult to misinterpret her attitude toward Alastor. “Actually, I think I have some work to get done here,” he said apologetically.

“Work?” Angel scoffed. “Since when d’you have work? I don’t remember givin’ ya anything to do lately.”

“Then I’ll find something to keep myself occupied.” Lowering his voice slightly, he nodded toward Molly. “I think your sister would prefer to spend time with you alone. Not that I can blame her.”

“Well. What if I need you or somethin’?” Angel insisted, arms crossed, pouting a bit himself.

“Then call me, and I’ll come to you.”

The boss let out a frustrated huff. “But I wanted you two—”

“Angel?” Molly called, standing by the stairs. Nothing in her voice was demanding or whiny, nothing in her smile signaling impatience. “I thought we were leavin’.”

“Just a minute,” he answered, waving a hand at her, obviously still not satisfied with where he and Alastor were leaving off.

“If it’s going to bother you, I’ll come along, cher. I could also follow discreetly in case you run into any trouble. It’s up to you.”

The boss let out a sigh and shrugged. “Nah, forget it. I been away all this time; least I can give her is an hour or two for just us. I’ll see ya when we get back.” His eyes flickered down to Alastor’s lips, and he started to lean closer, then thought better of it and backed away, giving a weak half-smile as he went to meet his twin at the stairs. As they left together, that smile quickly turned more genuine, and Alastor’s chest constricted with unwarranted jealousy.

— — —

Luckily, he wasn’t allowed much time to dwell on whatever angst Angel’s outing with Molly had instilled. Looking for something to do with himself, as promised, he went back up to the third floor and the office, where he found Venture in a meeting with a group of three capos. Her eyes darted toward the door as he entered, then she went on with her conversation.

“I don’t want excuses, gentlemen: I want answers,” she said plainly. “This isn’t grounds for an execution or even an expulsion, but when the boss hears about it, he’s not going to be happy, and he’ll want the name of whoever’s responsible. You’re going to get me that name. Understood?” All three nodded in silence, and she dismissed them with a flick of her hand, turning her attention to Alastor instead. “Where’s Angel?” The usual languid self-assurance in her voice had been replaced with a certain no-nonsense quality to match her sudden severe attitude shift.

“He took Molly to lunch. He said they should be back in an hour or two,” the Radio Demon explained, wandering over to her corner of the room to look over her desk, which was far busier than usual just as she was.

Venture let out a clipped sigh. “Of course he did. First the distraction with you this morning, now a personal visit—with one of our rivals, no less. Maybe if I’m lucky he’ll be able to spare some attention for the business too. Our don is quite a popular man,” she grumbled, even her writing fevered and frustrated as she scribbled down some note or another and scanned over the many stacks of papers on her desk to categorize it.

“Ahem. Is there anything I might do to help?” Alastor suggested, almost wishing she would take back her vow to so thoroughly devote herself to the Giardinos’ success; she was so much less fun this way.

“Oh, do you work here?” she chuckled, finally raising her eyes to meet his. That was the same sentiment Angel had expressed, and he still didn’t care for the suggestion that he wasn’t pulling his weight.

“You should know better than anyone, my friend, that I’m every bit as capable a man as one could find in these halls,” he answered indignantly, gesturing toward the rest of the hotel. “Just you tell me what needs doing and I’ll see that it gets done.”

“Is that so?”

It seemed as if Venture took those words as more a challenge than an assurance. Somehow, she had a never-ending list of errands to be run, ranging from within the hotel itself to a few blocks down the way to the opposite end of Manhattan. Alastor, ever a man of his word and always up for a challenge, fulfilled every directive she issued, from pressing their lessees for unpaid ‘taxes’ to seeking out some poor fool who had borrowed money from the family and then gone awol.

Over the course of his trials—which had by then become a matter of principle—he must have lost track of time; he returned to the hotel with a bundle of dossiers Venture had sent him practically all the way to the Bronx for, but stopped outside the office when he found Molly waiting there on her own.

“Nice to see you again, but I feel you’re missing something. Have you lost Angel?” He tried to joke, but her smile was sympathetic at best.

“He’s inside,” she said, nodding toward the door. “His consigliere really wanted to go over this deal they’re doing with the Cortezes, so…maybe not the best time to go in.”

“I see.” He wondered how Angel was dealing with Venture’s paradigm shift.

“Our family doesn’t really deal with the Cortezes,” Molly mused, absently twirling a pale blond curl around and around her finger. “Papa says they got too much Spanish in ‘em. ‘No sense of urgency.’”

“As I understand it, Angel doesn’t subscribe to many of your father’s more traditional ideals,” Alastor answered cautiously.

“Yeah. That was never his bag, I guess.” Her eyes wandered to him, inspecting everything from his hairdo to his fashion sense to the spectacles perched on his nose. “He talks about you an awful lot.”

He could only hope his smile didn’t look too self-satisfied. “That makes sense. We work together closely, so he spends a lot of time around me.”

“Yeah, but it’s not really the way ya talk about a coworker. He doesn’t talk about his consigliere like that. Plus I saw how ‘close’ you two were this morning.” Some of the sweetness had faded from her voice since her earlier conversation with Angel.

“May I ask why that bothers you?” What about being involved with Angel is inherently a sin?

“It doesn’t,” she said unconvincingly. “Just makes me a little nervous how he’s trustin’ all these people he barely knows like they’re a real family.” There was nothing catty or snide in her tone; she genuinely just sounded worried.

“With all due respect,” Alastor started at length, “his ‘real’ family, present company excluded, have proven they aren’t all worth trusting.”

For the first time, he saw a distinct scowl crease her face. “What d’you know about it?”

“Only what Angel’s told me. I wouldn’t try to explain your own family to you, but my point is that this change of scenery—and company—has done him nothing but good.” He tried to be as gentle and unobtrusive as possible in noting all this, to make his point without making Molly feel attacked. Not an effort he would make for just anyone. “Doesn’t he seem happier to you?”

“I guess,” she mumbled, winding her hair tighter around her fingers. “But it’s not right, him bein’ away from home. It’s not where he belongs. Family’s supposed to stick together, especially families like ours.” There was a hint of nervous panic sneaking into her tone, as if these concerns had been building up all day but she’d been afraid to voice them to Angel. “What if somethin’ happens? What if he needs help and we’re not there? What if he gets hurt and I’m not around to take care of him?”

In some ways, her concern for Angel resembled his own more than, say, Cherri’s. She wasn’t aggressive or controlling. She didn’t act as if she knew what was best for her brother better than he did himself. She simply recognized that the world—especially the world her family lived in—was a dangerous one and wanted to be present to see him through it. Because she loved him.

That was a sentiment Alastor understood.

“You don’t have to worry about all that, my dear. I can promise you, as I’ve promised Angel: I won’t let him come to harm. Whatever it takes, for as long as I’m breathing, I’m going to keep him safe.” Alastor was almost surprised at the fervor with which he made these promises, but maybe he shouldn’t have been. The passion that burned in Angel was the sort that spread to anyone he touched.

“But. But if…” She was biting her lip again, her shoulders tense as she struggled to accept what she was hearing.

“I understand your concern. Truly. But please believe me when I say that here, among this group and in this role, is where he belongs.”

Molly took a slow breath, then gave a small nod. “I think you might be right.” She covered her eyes with one hand in what at first looked like a sign of frustration. Then her shoulders trembled slightly, her breath came out in a shuddering sigh, and Alastor realized with horror that she was crying. A bolt of panic shot through him as he tried to figure out what he’d done wrong and how on Earth he could fix it. This was the last thing he’d wanted!

“I. Er. I’m sorry, Molly. I didn’t mean—”

As luck would have it, this was the point at which Angel exited the office. He paused for a split-second, saw his sister in tears as Alastor hesitantly reached out to her, and rushed over in alarm to pull her close. “Hey, what’s wrong, passerotta? What happened?” Shooting a defensive glare at Alastor, he hissed, “What’d you do?”

While the demon was at a loss, unable to explain any part of the turn this conversation had just taken, Molly was shaking her head, trying to speak past her tears. “No, no. It’s not him, caro,” she managed, burying her face against Angel’s shoulder. “It’s me. I’m the one who… I-I was so worried about you, and he said you weren’t safe here—”

“Alastor?” Angel asked, confused, but she shook her head again.

“Papa.”

#RadioDust #Giardino Segreto #Hanahaki Disease #human!Angel Dust #mob boss Angel Dust #Angel Dust x Alastor #Hazbin Molly #anyway so help me god Angel is getting laid in the next chapter

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atrophiedcompassion · 4 years

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having watched TROS for the second (and final) time in the cinema, here’s my full spoiler abundant review, also with comments on the nonalogy as a whole.

the movie works a lot better aka is more enjoyable the second time. we know what’s happening and i could relax and enjoy even the dumb moments and allow myself to feel, to be washed into the music and just feel my good feelings towards the finale.

the plot is still dumb as rocks, with the new old villain, resurrected. who not only is back but is giving our heroes a chance to find him before all shit breaks loose. why is the emperor so fucking arrogant?? why did TROS/JJ keep arguably the worst plot from TLL namely the race against a certain but exact time to do something to save the day?

the rey as palpatine still makes no sense. why did the jedi (in particular obi wan) call to her when she has the first force vision back on takodana if rey’s a palp?? JJ truly pisses on his very own movie isn’t he? and the emperor himself, he wants rey dead, twice he tells this verbatim to KR and then comments the rey killing plot was foiled to commander pryde...but then he actually welcomes her with open arms? or did he foresee his new death by rey should she reach exogol still alive? why should this death stick? ugghghgh.

the movie moves at record pace, no time to grieve, no time to catch your breath. the falcon/poe does impossible feats. the trio is united only to trail rey, finn in particular acting like a puppy. the only scene with finn that had any weight and developed his character was the scene with jannah when they’re fixing the falcon. BUT even then...i thought it was fine for the Force to guide finn out of his servitude. but maybe let the other former stormtroopers have some fuxking free will. not the force guiding them. there were so many moments when finn could’ve inspired former fellow stormtroopers to put down their weapons, but no. the spy could’ve been a stormtrooper, not the ridiculous hux doing things out of spite...

the worst scene in the movie? rey going on a fucking stroll on pasaana to meet kylo ren’s ship...and before that, the knights of ren literally posturing on a rock. i laughed out loud in the cinema it was so utterly ridiculous.

it’s all fucking plains, the fucking audience could see rey advancing through ochi’s ship screens. but somehow chewbacca gets captured and there’s a second transporter. the whole scene plays just so we can set up rey’s sith lightning abilities..?? fucking hell.

c3po’s sacrifice works for me. it’s the first moment of the rewatch where i got truly emotional and shed actual tears. and it’s not really cheapened by his memory being restored, since Finn actually mentions r2 might have a backup which 3po dismisses in his usual fashion. so 3po actually believed he was going to be fully erased. and that’s what matters. i found the 3po humour almost on par with the OT, although sometimes poe’s wayyy too aggressive with him. (i mean, poe loves droids, or at least his droid bb8, but is awfully dismissive of both 3po and D-O, just to fill in the han role i guess? it’s overdone)

the fight on the destroyer/kimiji is ok, again rey with the aggressive stance and the reveal is....nothing. rey has NO fucking reaction. she like scrunches her nose a little. she was just told the JJ equivalent to luke finding out vader’s his dad and rey’s just like. oh okay. bummer.

she should’ve fucking jumped like luke did. and maybe be retrieved on the falcon somehow. she should’ve expressed some pain. but no. rey’s just as calm as before. maybe even calmer, now that she knows the whole truth.

the death star sequence. dumb as hell to imagine the dagger has coordinates to the fucking wreckage of DS2??!??! who made it and when??!?!??! but let’s not overthink this. you get force powered rey making the ride with the skimmer and finding herself attacked by dark!rey..and then kylo come by and apparently knows this? because he tells her that now she’s tainted and can’t go back to leia either??!

WHAT THE FUCKKKK does JJ not know how the fucking force works??? i mean was it a fucking inside joke when han says that’s not how the force works in TFA??? uughghghgh. i know TROS is trying its best to almost completely retcon TLJ, but the way the Force was described there, like a balance, decay from where new life spawns, THAT WAS A GOOD THING FFS!!!!

no, JJ thinks that jedi are all pure beings and sith are dark brooding monsters and if a jedi or equivalent has even the faintest connection to the dark side, they’re fucking done!!!!!! (when the FUCKING OT SAYS THE FUCKING OPPOSITE, even a shred of goodness can help you get back to the light)

and if that was SUPPOSED to be KR’s way of getting rey to join him on his fieldtrip to exogol...my god he’s fucking dumb as hell. rey’s resisted his offer every fucking time (altho during the force call on pasaana he tells her he will turn her and she says we’ll see. she didn’t say no lmao), why would she fucking say yeah sure now? just because she had a fucking vision of dark herself??!?!?

still, dark!rey is fucking hot and i will probably cosplay her sometimes soon.

then comes the kylo - rey fight on the death star wreckage, where she attacks him, she’s aggressive, and is bested. and he’s about to kill her (even though he told her he has other plans, LOL) and then leia calls. or her call to her son finally reaches him (no more voicemail) and he falters, drops the saber and is impaled by rey.......who also senses leia’s passing.

and we have ben again and the scene with han solo plays and it’s pretty fucking emotional. but i wish he had said father and not dad. dad feels unearned. father would’ve worked best, especially for such a serious, stoic char like ben, dad is far too playful. i would’ve wanted a moment more of ben mourning his mother too, but the movie’s gotta be done in 30 mins so we have no time for allowing emotional moments to sink in. note: finn & poe are in such a rush to get to leia they don’t even have time to wait a sec to be told properly that she’s fucking dead. fuck you movie.

the scenes with luke are good. of course, luke backtracks all of his development in TLJ (because fuck you that’s why) and apparently everyone knew she was a palpatine but they still trained her because fuck logic? this is just like the PT where they end up training anakin because they made a promise to a dead guy. lmao. and how convenient is that there’s another lightsaber, otherwise how would rey make an x at the end to (presumably) end palpatine?? hmmm. i said the jedi leia scene/flashback worked for me the first time i saw it, but in hindsight, the scene and motivation really takes a steaming dump on leia’s character, a mother afraid of her son and unwilling to help him. fuck you JJ. we never needed leia wielding a lightsaber. we only wanted leia using the force in some way that felt organic to her character. (sidestep: up until attack of the clones? when yoda first uses a lightsaber, i assumed he was enlightened and didn’t need actual weapons to wield the force. well, i hoped leia could be like that enlightened master yoda. but like all bad things in the SW universe, she ended up being as awful as puppet yoda with a toothpick lightsaber, cause how would we know she’s a jedi otherwise????)

so. because she refused kylo, and ended up alone on exogol and with the resistance trapped there, she’s actually considering palpatine’s offer??! and realises she has maybe another option when she senses ben’s there too??! then why the fuck didn’t they go together??!?! oh wait. i forgot she wanted to exile herself on ach-to LMAO.

and still. the whole palpatine plot train-wreck could’ve still worked had they actually used the pretty cool concept of Force Dyad for something good. i mean, KR tells this to rey on the destroyer. but apparently palp can’t do the math and is surprised when he takes a sip of their life essences??! like what the actual fuck, why isn’t palpatine aware of this?? if he (+plagueis) made vader and then he conceived his son. and then vader had leia and leia had ben and palp’s son had rey........why is KR able to put this together and not the FREAKING MASTER PUPPETEER of the whole fucking galaxy??!?!

anyway. back to the force dyad. we have awsome ben solo and rey reunited. ready to fight palps. but no. he freezes them and sucks the life force out of them. maybe the power of the force dyad of light users could be harmful to a sith?!??! maybe the power of a force dyad would help ben & rey resist palp?! maybe the power of a force dyad could be used to defeat palp?

but no. we get ben solo thrown into a pit so that palp and rey could reenact whitney houston’s hit

or, even worse, the year’s most anticipated battle of one liners: endgame. yeah, it was cool to hear all the jedi clamouring for rey, but this could’ve still worked as the jedi finally supporting ben skywalker organa solo for fucking once in the guy’s lifetime.

but no. JJ said fuck ben solo. he’s only good to give the life back to rey, then he can fuck off. i am not a reylo and i am not too bothered by ben’s death, as much as i am by his misuse. i mean, in such movies, we never really have to deal with reformed bad guys making amends. vader died, and so in a way, ben dying too and not having to be courtmartialled is actually convenient.

i have read some analysis where ben & rey being happy together is the undoing of anakin’s sad demise and brings peace to the skywalker line rather than pain and despair and that’s a valid premise, but realistically, ben’s death makes sense. they’d never be happy together in a hut somewhere, because ben still has to pay for a lot of damage. BUT his death is nothing but the crippling of the skywalker line, after a palp had defeated the palps. his death has little meaning in the story. them being a force dyad has little meaning, apart from powering palps back to his rots appearance. lmao

and finally, the death of ben is never mourned, never acknowledged. no-one is even told on screen about his return to the light (maybe maz felt it, when leia’s body vanished...) and his deeds. that kinda sucks. because luke took a moment to have a ceremony for vader, the force ghosts came through. here...we get nothing.

and then rey buries the anakin saber and leia’s saber on tatooine in sand no less (we need a sketch of anakin loudly complaining to rey about this)... and instead of finally accepting herself as being sufficient, she tacks on the legacy name. well done JJ.

(that was me when the credits rolled).

now, i love the OT more than life itself and the films give us meta to fill libraries. they are not perfect movies, but they are good, they tell a wonderful story with amazing characters and i will never stop loving them.

then the PT is made of really bad movies that now, in the light of TROS, surprisingly still come together as a trilogy far better than the ST lmao.

i still believe that the PT undermines and ruins Vader’s redemption in ROTS, because now you know exactly what he did (reminder: killed 30 children) and it’s hard to swallow. in the end, he dies to save his son and takes down the big bad so we can accept that he gains redemption in luke’s eyes alone and not necessarily in the audience’s. but ben solo didn’t even get that. he got thrown into a pit and crawled out only to give rey life lol.

anyway, TFA was okay at first, but i always had a huge gripe, aka the misuse of Leia and the complete silence on her being a Force user. like don’t even need ligthsaber fights from her, just gimme something explicit of her using the Force. she could’ve at the very fucking least sensed KR when he swoops in and abducts Rey on Takodana. but no. JJ fridged Leia from the get go, because he had no clue what to do with her. and then he fucked her character completely with what he believed was the flashback the fans wanted....UFHGHGHGH

JJ also and truly fridged Luke, because he had no idea what to do with Luke and the whole Force legacy either. he wanted to write a fun Han Solo adventure and by gods he did.

so, Luke. the guy vanishes the opening crawl tells us. he wasn’t abducted, so he must’ve exiled himself. people hating TLJ’s so called character assassination when it comes to Luke should point fingers at the real culprit, JJ. how could Luke do such a thing and run away (like JJ wrote him do) if he hadn’t done something significantly wrong?? it had to be FUCKING HORRIBLE. and so it is. because what Luke did was horrible and it set up for the fall to the dark side of poor, conflicted, manipulated and unloved Ben Solo. but had it not been THIS awful, then Luke’s self imposed exile, shame and guilt wouldn’t have made any fucking sense. so, TLJ haters, think again WHO was the person who wrote Luke running away for 10 years and allowing all that shit to happen?? it wasn’t Rian Johnson, that’s for sure. he merely justified the absence in a way that made sense plot-wise and actually character-wise too.

on repeated viewing, TFA isn’t that good, it’s a rehash of ANH and the stakes are never as good as the original movies. we all kinda know the heroes will save the day

TLJ, i liked, but the canto bight plot really falls flat. this is where RJ did some char assassinations: Poe. Poe is the cocky pilot who singlehandedly destroys the Resistance’s arsenal LMAO. and next scene he turns into sexist macho asshole trope itself, with his immediate and unfounded disdain of Holdo and her plans to keep our heroes safe. so he concocts a harebrained plan that doesn’t work. maybe it was intended as a refreshing look over this trope of barely a plan of the heroes always coming to fruition at the very last second, but the way it’s presented, it somehow really undermines all the characters involved, including newcomer Rose. at the start a breath of fresh air in the age of mindless heroics, the voice of reason, soon enough she too is pulled apart and becomes a sudden love interest...?? she is then reduced to a side’s side char in TROS, but she has space buns, so that’s cool right? that’s what SW is all about, women in space buns. fuck!

and yet, TLJ handled Luke, Leia, KR and Rey wonderfully and laid down some great ideas, Rey having no lineage, the Force Bond between her and KR, the catalyst for KR’s fall to the dark side, the little good in him, as sensed by both Leia and Rey...and set up a finale where, i believed and hoped, KR would be the main villain.

with the trailer spelling the probable return of palpatine, i kinda lost faith in TROS before it even hit the theaters. in fact, my faith in the movie was shot the moment JJ was brought on board.

we had a new villain, another race against time to save the day, and our heroes tell us again and again that it’s fine to share the burden, that they are not alone, that there are more good guys than bad - and when the ARMY OF PEOPLE came to exogol, it’s a wonderful scene. it works for me and it did both times. i know it’s awful that no-one came to leia’s call on crait, but here lando picks up (when lando says hello there, it’s not only panties that drop) half the galaxy, but somehow it still made me well up.

but, despite this very explicit message, our heroine fights alone. she faces palps alone and almost makes a bad decision, is alone in her final battle, is alone at the end. how truly horrible. instead of having ben and rey defeat palps together, rey has to do it alone, out of faux-feminism. it’s sickening. it’s stupid. and that’s not star wars and the star wars message. luke was not alone at the end, he was with friends, with family.

but she’s from a bad bloodline and she should die childless. ughhh. totally not hopeful, totally not satisfying message to have for the finale of the skywalker saga.

#tros #the rise of skywalker #full review

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