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steveharrington · 3 days

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major hornets nest moment here but i must speak my truth. its so fascinating to me how will byers was clearly written with the driving motivation and intention of making him a beloved fan favorite character and instead he falls so flat that, if you asked the average casual viewer of the show who doesn't engage in the fandom like, say, your coworker, the odds of him even being in their top five of favorite characters is pretty low.

will's disappearance kicks off the plot, singlehandedly. the first episode is literally called the vanishing of will byers. his name is shouted so much in the first season that most people would recognize the reference if you used the right cadence and desperation that winona ryder does. after not being featured much in season one, you'd think season two would've just like launched will/noah schnapp into stardom with how much more screentime he's given and how dramatic his plot is that season. but instead the fan favorites of season 2 were by and large el, hopper, dustin, steve, max, even bob who's barely there. that's not to say that there AREN'T will fans out there (and online i understand there are like entire armies dedicated to him/byler, but i'm talking about the average opinion of viewers as a whole, not just in fandom spaces) but think about all the stranger things merch you see in stores, the halloween costumes, the characters that appear in promotional materials when the show has partnerships with brands....will is so rarely featured. idk if any of yall ever got the chance to visit the stranger things pop up shop in any of its various locations, but there was such little mention of will in the stores theming or merchandise that it was almost funny. actually it WAS funny, to me, someone who does not care for him

i think the flop can be attributed to many things. one, noah schnapp is just not a very good actor and he doesn't have the same appeal in his performances that millie, sadie, caleb, gaten, priah, or finn do (although finn i've noticed is also kinda falling out of favor from majority audiences). one could argue that noah schnapp intentionally isn't given much to do, which is true and i'll circle back to that, but the decline in his acting between seasons 2 and 3 is truly a sight to behold. when he's not like tied up and screaming, he reallllllly struggles on the smaller scale performances compared to the other cast members his age. he doesn't really have the charm that gaten does or the humor that priah does or the depth that caleb does. (i don’t feel bad about saying this, btw, given noah schnapp’s behavior)

back to the vanishing of will byer's screen time. my beloved prettymuchit's eric striffler commented on how diminished will and mike's roles in the story have become in s4. "noah schnapp is below the grips on the call sheet" is my fav line, but he also makes an observation on finn's role that i think is soooo accurate. when mike and will are kneeling down next to the pizza dough freezer and watching el just kinda twitch while she fights vecna in her mind, eric and his co-host miles say "this is so embarrassing! finn's like, 'oh so gaten's fighting the monster? and i'm kneeling next to a tub at a pizza place? i used to be this show" and i think the same exact sentiment can be superimposed onto will

but i think this happened naturally, as the nature of the show is to shift its focus from character to character. not to mention the duffer brothers' obsession with tweaking their story to give audiences what they want. i've always held the belief that there isn't one main character of stranger things, rather a rotating circle of characters depending on the season you're watching. season one is mike, season two is hopper, season three is el, season four is max imo. again that's a little subjective and arguments could be made to swap those a little, but overall i think those characters stories and point of views take center stage during each of their respective seasons. by season 3, the duffers wanted to kick things up to a larger scale. the UD is no longer targeting just will, it's targeting the entire town. this works because a THIRD season in a row where this one kid specifically gets possessed would just be bonkers, so they kinda had to let him take a backseat. i'm not sure why they didn't let will be more involved in the mystery-solving portion of season 3....to this day that decision baffles me, but what's done is done and the will that everyone watched in season 3 literally just kinda follows everyone around and gets a small little slice of a plotline about wanting things to go back to normal, but alas

it like totally worked, though. though there are MANY complaints commonly made about season 3, i've never heard anyone offline complain that there wasn't enough will byers. i think the group in s3 that had the most success like, commercially, would be scoops troop and then a bit farther back i think most audiences enjoyed hopper/joyce/murray's dynamic. i think if there had been a huge outcry in the minimizing of will's role, the duffers would've backpedaled immediately. they aim to please. they can't even commit to killing of a main character out of fear that audiences will lose interest if we permanently lose hopper or max, so they just do some creative writing that allows them to milk the emotional consequence of those characters deaths without actually writing them off. if audiences on a large scale demanded that will be center stage, he would be. but they dont!

final point: i think will gets fucked over by the duffers obsession with romance. in season one, two of will's strongest dynamics are with his mom and brother. which like, yeah. theyre his immediately family and he is 12. but in seasons 2 and 3, jonathan spent all his screen time with nancy and from 2-4, joyce has spent all her screen time either with hopper or in the pursuit of finding hopper. these characters are written together as a package deal, typically. it was refreshing and unexpected to see jonathan get a whole season with a friend of his very own and his siblings, but they barely took advantage of that. jonathan and will get ummmm one (1) scene to talk about their emotions in a fucking 20 hour season. it's hard for will to be a main character when he rarely gets to interact with the people that make up the other half of his main dynamics.

as for byler, im of the belief that it will not be endgame because i just don't think they're going to break up mike and el at this point. i could be completely wrong and stand corrected, but im like 90% sure lol. i do think that will's s4 storyline resonated with a lot of people. even eric striffler! i think the issue is that the vastttt majority of people who watch this show above the age of like 15 do not feel invested about the romantic relationships between any of the kids. because why would they!!! theyre literally in middle school for 3/4 of the show. you would be hard pressed to find a vocal will stan online who doesn't also dedicate 90% of their engagement with the show to byler. which makes sense, because most if not all of will's scenes revolve around mike to some degree. but according to neilsen, the majority of stranger things audience is consistently in the 18-49 age range season by season. its more likely for adult audiences to identify with adults (or characters who are narratively treated like adults, like steve and nancy) than with any of the kids. esp when the kid in question, despite being written as the focal point of the show, has less relevant plotlines, less interaction with other characters, and an actor who just doesn't deliver on charm the way his fellow younger costars do

#two ppl asked for it in the inbox so voila

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flight0fthenavigat0r · 2 days

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A Goodbye to The Bad Batch

I don’t even know what to say first. Because this is goodbye, but it is also everything but. But I suppose I should start at the beginning.

Just a couple of years ago I found my love for Star Wars. My entire life, as far back as I can remember, my dad has tried to get me into the fandom. Now, he’s not a fan the exact same way some of us are, he’d only watched the saga and the Mandalorian, funnily enough I was the one to introduce him to The Clone Wars and beyond, but it’s been a joy in his life for a very long time. I was never interested in it when I was little, but then I got a little older and Star Wars started to capture my interest.

One random weekend, I believe in 2021 or 2022, I decided that I was going to watch all nine saga movies in those forty-eight hours, and then start on my goal to watch every show and the additional movies.

This is, without a shred of doubt, one of the greatest decisions I have ever made, and one that I will never regret. I would not be the person I am had I not given Star Wars a chance.

It would sound ridiculous to anyone anywhere else, but this has become such a safe place for me that I know I can be honest.

Everyone finds that one thing that makes them happy like nothing else. A person, a hobby, a place, a fandom. Mine is the galaxy far, far away that lets me escape from my life whenever I need to.

The Star Wars fandom has its faults, and there is so much hatred.

But more than anything, there is love like no love I have ever experienced before. The love between fans and our love for these movies and shows is something I never expected to have in my life. But somehow, for some reason, it has all found a permanent place in my heart, and I couldn’t be happier.

At this time, the first season of The Bad Batch had just been released. I was branching out, watching The Clone Wars and then jumping to The Book of Boba Fett, though I’m not sure why I chose to watch everything in such a completely random order.

But then I started The Bad Batch.

I had no idea what Crosshair, Tech, Wrecker, Hunter, Echo, and Omega would come to mean to me.

I have dealt with a lot in the last few years. Nothing compared to others, but depression finds a way to wedge into your life. I love to be alone, but I don’t like to be lonely, and I have managed to isolate myself to a point of misery.

I found more comfort in The Bad Batch than anything else in my life, and I will never forget the joy The Bad Batch brought me in these last few years.

I began to write when I found Star Wars, and I was inspired to do so by The Bad Batch. Before, I had never felt so compelled by any one piece of media to add my own part of it to the world, until this. Writing has become another escape, one that gives me an outlet to continue the stories of characters left behind.

What I already knew has been reaffirmed, the lessons I have learned remain with me, and will even after this is over.

That it’s okay to feel afraid, because everyone does, and to make mistakes, provided you learn from them.

That feeling out of place for one reason or another does not make you unworthy of love, and having limitations with affection isn’t something you need to apologize for.

That being goofy, having fun, finding joy in the dark places, is just as vital a part of life as anything else, if not what we need more than anything.

That taking time for yourself, to make sure you don’t fall apart, even while taking care of others, is important.

That our worst moments can be one of two things, what consumes us, or what we grow from.

That being a young woman is not a detriment to your worth, intelligence, talent, or any other aspect of life, but is in fact what makes you strongest.

That what makes us unique and our faults are a part of who we are, but they do not define us, and we are so much more than the ideas people have of us.

My only regret is not making friends when I had the chance. I’m bad at that, opening up and putting myself out there, and I shy away from talking to new people because it makes me uncomfortable. But I wish I had been able to put that aside before it was too late and found people who love The Bad Batch the way I do to continue talking to, even after the show ends.

But to all the people who have supported me and who I have supported, thank you for being part of my Bad Batch experience.

It's very difficult to believe that this is it.

Though The Bad Batch has not been around long, it feels like it has, because as long as I have been watching Star Wars, The Bad Batch has been in its active run, and I’m so grateful I got to be here when it was.

I know that even when the credits roll for the final time, when the greater fandom forgets the show that they never really understood the way we have, I’ll be here, and hopefully, so will all of you. I think that the family brought together by The Bad Batch will endure, even if we go quiet for a while.

We’ll stick around, for the day the Batch comes back. Because I know they will.

Thank you Clone Force 99, the Bad Batch fandom, Dee Bradley Baker, Michelle Ang, the Kiners, and everybody who played a part in telling this story.

The impact The Bad Batch has had on my life has been profound, and I wouldn’t give it up for anything. It’s been a wild ride, and I have enjoyed every second of it. It has been a privilege to be a part of this piece in the ever growing history that makes up Star Wars.

Goodbye, Bad Batch. Until next time.

“Change takes getting used to. You’ll see. Just give it time.”

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raven-at-the-writing-desk · 1 day

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Do you think that the Tinkerbell Extended Universe has any role in twst? I've seen a few fae that look suspiciously like characters from it

I definitely feel like it does, especially if we take a look at the Fairy Gala events. While I'd say that the majority of TWST's small fairies don't have designs similar to those from the TInkerbell extended universe, they do have similar skills and tend to be associated with nature (ie water fairy and water talent fairies, and flora fairy and gardening talent fairies, fire fairy and fire talent fairies, etc.). Most notably, there are specifically said to be "craftfairies" in Twisted Wonderland (who fix broken items, such as those seen in Silver's Fairy Gala Couture vignettes), which seems to highly correlate with the tinkering talent fairies of Pixie Hollow.

The one fairy I can think of that has a very strong resemblance to a Pixie Hollow one is the Fairy Queen. She looks a lot like Queen Clarion; just compare their colors, their wings, their gowns, their hair, etc. Not to mention that they're both royalty and oversee several of the smaller fairies.

Something else that's interesting is there are also similar elements of lore between the small fairies of Pixie Hollow and in Twisted Wonderland. If I recall correctly.. Pixie Hollow, fairies use fairy/pixie dust to help themselves fly. However, fairy/pixie dust in Twisted Wonderland is something that helps fairies identify each other. This is why the NRC boys cover themselves with it (to pass as fae while they infiltrate their event). So... special dust has a function among the fairies, but they are different functions across these two iterations. TWST seems to have borrowed imagery and ideas from Disney properties to make something for its own world, and that's really no different here.

TWST has lore about many of the small fairies living in a place called "Faeland", so I wonder if we'll one day get to visit it and learn more about the different subspecies of fae. It seems like there's so much variety among them and I'd love to know more!

#twst #twisted wonderland #Tinkerbell #Fairy Queen #Queen Clarion #disney twisted wonderland #disney twst #notes from the writing raven #question #fairy gala spoilers #Silver

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pumpkinsouppe · 3 days

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Here's my interpretations of all the OOT sages!! I have closeups of each sage and my thoughts behind their headcanon design changes below ^_^ (im alsooooo thinking of selling these as stickers if i ever figure out my silhouette)

Zelda

I headcanon Zelda is half Hylian half Sheikah with Impa being their aunt (mother’s sister, mother being full Sheikah and died when Zelda was young)

I also hc Zelda/Sheik as either transmasc or gender fluid depending on the interpretation of OOT I’m using, in this art Zelda is gender fluid and since I’m talking about sheik and Zelda a lot here I’ll just use they/them

Combined Zelda’s design with Sheik’s to make it more believable that they’re the same person this includes:

A skin color closer to Sheik’s concept art

Heterochromia, which is why sheik was hiding one of their eyes (and Zelda was forced to wear contacts or use magic to hide being half Sheikah post civil war)

Hylian pointed ears, another characteristic sheik had to hide (more info under Impa’s notes)

Lighter blond hair to be closer to Sheikah white hair

Sheik’s eye shape and eyebrows

Textured long hair, sheik would have a braid like in smash bros

Not pictured but if sheik is broad shouldered and muscular, then so is Zelda!!!!

Big forehead Zelda truther

Impa

Shares some traits with Zelda since I hc them as being related such as similar nose shape, eye shape, and skin tone

Textured hair styled into locs, tied into a short ponytail

Sheikah pointed ears, since Sheik hides their ears I thought it would be fun to have another different characteristic between the human races such as differing ear shapes. If Sheik showed their ears it would be a giveaway that they are not fully Sheikah

The rest is basically the same

Rauru

Rauru is perfect as he is all I did was give him spots on his skin to give him more accurate skin of an older person

Saria

So one thing I hc about Saria is that she was Link’s caretaker/mother figure in OOT so my main goal was to make her look childlike but have a more mature face

So I gave her rounder cheeks and made her smaller compared to everyone else and gave her larger eyes and a button nose but I also gave her some lines around her eyes to suggest age, I also gave her thinner eyebrows similar to a kid

I changed her eyes to brown bc I’m tired of all these blue eyed characters, there’s a severe drought of brown eyed characters in tloz

I gave her freckles

Her ears are also pointed upwards. I think the great deku tree did his best to make the kokiri look Hylian especially for link’s sake but he couldn’t get the ears right and they turned a little more animal-like since they live in the middle of the forest and are used to animals than humans. So kokiri look identical to Hylian children except the one difference is their ears being a different shape

Everything else is basically the same

Ruto

RUTOOOOOO ‼️‼️‼️‼️💕💕💕💕💕💕💕‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💕💕💕💕

Her size is much larger bc why are all the royal male zora 20 stories high but not the female zora, she would be almost as tall as Darunia at this age

I changed her eyes to be like all the other zora, it’s weird all the other zora have full color eyes yet she has human eyes 😭😭 you can tell the Zelda team was terrified about being called monster fuckers by committing fully to making Ruto have all the same traits as other zora

I also gave her freckles and added more spots on her to give her more texture and bc I love the way the Majora’s mask zora look

I haven’t drawn her body so I don’t have itemized changes but I’d make a couple more changes, other than that she’s perfect. Only smaller changes were made to just make her more zora-like than the design the devs used bc they were scared of idek what. Women can be beasts and monsters!!!! Cowards

Nabooru

Nabooru had the most changes besides Zelda but technically Zelda was a mash of two designs rather than fixing all of the issues with Nabooru’s design

My goal was to make her look like an actual person rather than a caricature such as changing her over exaggerated nose to be a hooked nose, removing the white on her lips, etc. If there is anything I need to change about my new design for her please let me know, I want to keep her recognizable without using the harmful designs the devs gave her

I gave her a darker skin color and gave her moles

I toned her red hair so that it looks more natural

I haven't fully decided on her clothes but considering she's in the desert i gave her long sleeves esp bc the area you find her in has crazy sandstorms

I'm still deciding if i keep her yellow eyes or not, i like their contrast and how it matches her eyeshadow but also I want more brown eyed characters

Darunia

The one big change about Darunia is making him more animal like by giving him more of a snout and a dog-like nose. I don't like how Gorons are designed in games like twilight princess and the white lips they have in majora's mask so my main goal was for him to just seem more animalistic and non-human

i also added lighter color around his nose area to suggest age similar to a dog

nothing else changes other than that

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winxwiki · 2 days

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General important notes from the Napoli Comicon panel

Hopefully the video fully resurfaces so I can translate the whole panel gah

Broadcasters currently prefer female heroines according to Straffi, he will make sure to balance male characters too while still making female characters the dominant aspect. Specialists fans hopefully you'll be fine

Straffi gives great importance to storytelling and darker themes and thanks anime for bringing these concepts to tv animation in the west and hopes to bring these elements back to Winx in the reboot. He wants Winx to be a bridge between the best of american and japanese animation, in european style.

The reboot has only been in the works for one year, despite the last development on season 8 being 2017

The reboot will go back to Bloom's origin story, "kinda like Spiderman and other superheroes"

The story will contain more mature elements for older fans while still being appropriate enough for kids. Iginio may refuse to sell the shows to some networks if they bug him too much about such mature elements, he will not back down on targeting older fans too (BBC refused Winx for example)

Nabu never died, he "disappeared" and could be brought back "anytime". The reason he was killed was just to up the stakes, compared to most american animation that avoids killing a character and dealing with darker themes. Please remember that according to a previous interview, Straffi admitted they ignored continuity for the sake of broadcasters' demands.

Roxy is "a Winx from earth". She can come back "anytime". Please remember that according to a previous interview, there won't be a 7th main Winx.

The reboot has a very high budget and the animation will be movie quality. Straffi was very nervous about showing the animation test clips but is happy the reception has been positive.

NO MENTIONS of: Trix, specialists, fairy forms, live action movie project, Netflix

#text #reboot

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liketrianglehead-butspaghetti · 2 days

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I gotta talk about FourDogs (again)

It's barely about her, though. I think "he's so lucky his dad was brutally murdered" and "people with trauma need a second handicap because they're too motivated" are such absolute-the-fuck-ly bonkers takes, they're not even worth the time it took me to get mad about them, which was immediately. This time around, I have way more to say about audience reception. I'll try to keep it civil.

It feels like a lot of us are responding from increasingly personal places because these are characters with which a lot of us identify, or we see traits in them that remind us of people from our real lives. And hey! Another performance and storytelling slay on the part of one Brennan Lee Mulligan. Who else can invent 50+ characters every year and play them to the point where any one of them can evoke both an "omg that's literally me!" and an "omg that's literally Dani, the girl that bullied me all of freshmen year until I punched out her front tooth in the student parking lot and got in-school suspension for a month!". And whether Kipperlily reminds you of Dani, or reflects your own anxieties about potential, ability, and trauma, an important thing to remember is this: she is not real!

Brennan made her up! Brennan made her up to tell a story, and when he made her up, he made her annoying, petty, antagonistic, and he gave her not just opposing goals to the the protagonists we know and love, but the explicit goal of ruining The Bad Kids' lives, specifically.

Now, I'm not saying she's fictional to be a dick, or dismiss any deeper readings on her or any of the Rat Grinders. I'm bringing it up because the way I'm seeing people talk to each other about these characters is starting to get a little wild and it's in danger of waking up The Olde Gods™ (i.e. the special brand of Tumblr Self-Righteousness that lives inside us all).

It's important to remember Kipperlilly is a character in a fictive work so that different interpretations of her don't get treated as stone law. Each reading of her is personal and valid, but none are gospel. The "Kipperlilly is but a victim" take is not the only correct one, nor is radical empathy for her as a character the only correct reaction. Also, even if I consider her sympathetic that is not incompatible with an opinion like "Kipperlilly needs to get roundhouse'd in the head by a lesbian in a tracksuit and/or a wizard in a jean jacket, posthaste". Sure, you can say that anyone who doesn't feel a deep and eclipsing empathy for Kipperlilly above all other emotions is immature at best and sociopathic at worst, but then I can just say anyone who demands solely empathy for Kipperlilly and excuses her literal crimes and bass-ackwards world view because she's insecure and has anger issues, is probably also someone who has a history of weaponizing whatever minority status they may or may not occupy to talk over, silence, or harass people of color.

They're both just opinions. And also, like. Y'know. A bit much.

To engage in the long and rich tradition of measuring character trajectories against those in the Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon, let's compare Kipperlilly to Azula. Azula had an incredibly sympathetic backstory and untreated mental health issues. Azula was also a danger to herself and others, as well as profoundly manipulative and abusive (although, it was a children's show so Azula never killed anybody for whatever that's worth). Do I wish that fourteen-year-old girl had an Iroh-type in her life? Literally one adult who loved her genuinely and advocated for her best interests? Of course I do. I saw the Ember Island episode, I watched that one video essay! Does that mean it was any less satisfying to watch Zuko and Katara kick her absolute ass? No! And it was non-lethal anyway, children's show, duh.

That brings me to my other thing; Kipperlilly is a character in a fictive work that is not finished. And I know that point will age poorly, but I'm thinking it won't be the only one (hey-o). Remember the people that were calling The Bad Kids bullies? And then we learned that Kipperlilly hated Riz because his fucking dad fucking died?? And that was a full academic year before getting reanimated by a rage god?? I'll do a tame one; remember when Gilear wasn't cursed?? He was "just a guy"?? The show is serialized, gang, the world is still building! Clerickiller is not done yet, y'all need to let her cook! I'm sure we'll tune in next week to see her graduate from "unhinged" to "unaffiliated with the door frame or any frame-like structure". Reprimanding people on Tumblr will not change the trajectory of this character who, by the way, has not expressed remorse or any desire for a path other than violence. You look me in my black face after your blorbo slits a kid's throat and say "help her"?? Kipperlilly doesn't want get better right now, she wants one thing and that's for Kristen Applebees to go fuck herself and die!! You were there, you heard it!! When the fictional behavior changes, as it often does in stories, so will my opinion. There is no fore-forgiveness. Without an actual redemption arc I will continue to see the villain as a villain.

Speaking of, I think what some people have an issue with is the level of hate Kipperlilly's getting and how aggressive it is. But like.... isn't that allowed?? Because of all the stuff I said but also because like, mama said that it was okay! And by "mama" I mean Siobhan Thompson who said Kipperlilly belongs under the jail. Sure, in the real world, adults don't tell kids they belong in the ground that's crazy fucked up, but all these kids are played by adults and Emily as Fig joked that she was gonna smite the sixteen-year-old girl played by the thirty-something man. You're telling me the antagonist antagonizes the protagonists, and the protagonists go "boo, hiss" and then I, the audience, go "boo, hiss as well" but I'm wrong? I'm wrong, somehow, cool checks out.

"They're XP Levelling*punches a locker*!!"

"That girl is worse than Kalvaxus."

"Littledoggy Girlcollar"

Am I not engaging with the narrative on it's own terms if I say "i'd tell Clerickiller to die mad, but she clearly already did, Jojo Siwa head-ass, in reference to that fuck-ass ponytail and your toxic yuri" Do I need to draw a little caitmay-style OC to say it for me, would that be better?

God-forbid, we have fun? Must we discourse, always? FourDogs is tragic, FourDogs is compelling, FourDogs is Dani from 9th grade. She is Azula from Avatar and Clare from Fleabag and Brennan Lee Mulligan from my dreams and that is something that can be so personal. But no one else has to participate in your parasocial relationship. What's crazy is, I actually like Kipperlilly! As a character. I mean, the "trauma is privilege" obviously hit a nerve with me because of real life stuff, but the image of her over the rogue teacher's grave?? With a backhoe and a "gotcha, bitch" expression??? Come on, that is fresh-off-the-vine Cunt™. Even more so than I imagined that moment to be when we first heard about it. Her ending up in a Ragh or Aelwyn place would be way more satisfying than a Goldenrod or Penelope Everpetal place, BUT IT WILL ALSO be satisfying to see whatever Kipperlilly's version of the locked-in-a-chokehold-and-being-gaslit-into-thinking-you-shit-the-coach's-pants-scene is. In addition to the non-lethal ass-kicking that proceeds it.

Y'all can chuck the insinuation that something so clearly subjective is actually objective and has moral implications that make me bad, directly in the garbage. What is this, religion, hey-o.

#lost some civility there at the end #but shit im not iroh #im a hater first #and an advocate for mental health third #and second i am an advocate for poc's getting their lick back against white people #especially if they were hurting your academic prospects #yes riz is a poc even though he's played by murph #me and demi adejuyigbe talked about it #fhjy spoilers #dimension 20 #d20 #kipperlilly copperkettle #brennan lee mulligan #fhjy #fantasy high junior year #the bad kids

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ugly-anarchist · 2 days

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Ace-centric aspecs will literally call alloaros "violently aphobic" for politely asking to be included and to stop pretending like we don't exist

Who cares that I constantly get kicked out of aspec spaces for being alloaro and talking about my sexuality

Who cares that I have people in real life constantly be like "you're ace right?" When I've mentioned being aro before

Who cares that other aspecs tell me that I'm invading their spaces

Who cares that other aspecs throw me under the bus as an argument against exclusionists

Who cares that 90% of alloaros don't know they're alloaro because they either don't know what aro is or assume they have to be ace to be aro

Who cares that aces constantly derail every single non-ace aspec post to make it all about them and erase every single trace of alloaros

Who cares that people specifically want me to be ace because having sexual attraction without romantic attraction is disgusting and shameful and it makes them more comfortable if I lack attraction completely

Who cares that every single aromantic character in media is immediately assumed to be aroace and my representation is seen as "lesser" and unimportant compared to asexual representation

Who cares that the aro flag is constantly left out of pride merch lineups because either people don't know what it is or assume the ace flag is enough

Who cares, right? Who cares that I don't feel safe in either the aspec or the allox2 queer communities?

You can't separate aro and ace so clearly that means you get to tell me I'm aphobic for saying that I don't want to be called aroace.

Fuck me, right? Clearly it's a lot to ask that people just make an effort to include non-ace aros in aro posts that apply to us. Clearly it's too much to ask that non-ace aros just don't fucking derail OUR explicitly alloaro posts to make it about them, right?

Clearly alloaros are the aphobic ones for asking the most represented part of the community to stop actively silencing us.

I'm just a violent aphobe who's disgusted by the mere existence of aroaces.

No no no. Aroace are the victims because I *checks notes* asked them not to contribute to my oppression.

#sarcasm #me: dont call me an identity im not pls #some aroaces: this is literally disgusting how could you be so violently aphobic #just cannot catch a break #like just say youre uncomfortable with no longer being the center of attention #just say youre uncomfortable with alloaros and non-ace aros being just as important as aces #you dont have to call us violently aphobic for wanting a place next to you #its exactly the same as every other group with some amount of privilege over another #we want to be on the same level and youre freaking out and being all “you want us gone!”#aromantic #alloaro #aro #arospec #aspec #aroallo #aromanticism #alloarophobia

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cosmicpancakes · 2 days

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I finally finished this omg!!

TW: graphic depictions of death and stuff, character death, mental breakdowns/panic attacks, stuff like that

Without further ado, here's the oneshot I wrote about that one time Lee Fletcher died lol

Tap, tap, tap.

His foot bounced up and down, tapping the tiled floor repeatedly. His nails were bitten to stumps. Will was pretty sure he was going crazy.

He couldn't just leave the infirmary, he knew that, but there had to be something he could do. The infirmary is empty. Even if it wasn't, his sister could easily handle it. He was no help here.

Scratch that. He needed to leave.

Shooting arrows is out of the question, but maybe he could steal a dagger from the infirmary. A spear, a sword- Anything he could use to help with out there. Ritika was already in the infirmary, she could handle an injured person! She was one of the oldest in the cabin anyway, and more skilled than he could ever be. She wouldn't notice if he sneaked away.

The office chair squeaked as it got wheeled back. He couldn't leave through the front, so looking around, he made sure his sister couldn't see him and then opened the window just wide enough for him to jump in the bushes behind the big house.

It hurt. His arms were covered in scratches, painting them an inflamed pink and his knees were stained with a mixture of soil and grass. A wince escaped his lips. He half crawled, half ran out of the Bush and started running towards the armoury.

It was only when he made his way in front of the big house that he realised the severity of the situation. Campers and monsters ran around, littering the green field with scattered arrows and golden dust. Screams and slashes rang in his ears. After a few seconds, his eyes locked onto the armoury just across the canoe lake bridge, and he made a run for it.

Narrowly avoiding monster claws and spears thrown in his direction, Will made his way across the wooden bridge. The planks wobbled beneath his feet until he finally made it to the other side. Greenery got flattened under him as he approached the armoury. It was a medium-sized wooden shed right next to the looming arena.

Shutting the door behind him, he stumbled through the arsenal until he found a decently functional long sword. It was heavier than he anticipated, seeing as he'd never actually held a sword before, but he didn't exactly have time to dwell on that. Just as quickly as he entered, Will made his way out and through the North woods.

This was where the fighting originated, where the monsters first emerged so he knew this was where he would be able to help the most. He could be useful for once. His legs ached, pulsating from the lactic acid build up but he knew he couldn't stop. He ran and ran, and continued running until he reached the labyrinth.

The fighting next to the big house was child's play compared to this. There wasn't a single patch of grass not covered in blood, weapons, or monsters. Corpses of both creatures and demigods were scattered throughout. His eyes moved about frantically, trying to find something he could fight and reasonably win against.

Lee.

His brother was in a small clearing between a few trees just to Will's left. He wasn't a monster, but leaving him alone would just make things worse, right? He sprinted towards him. Lee seemed to be shooting monsters from afar, helping campers on the main battlefield without putting himself in too much danger. It was a smart strategy, one only he could come up with. He was always the smart one, after all. Will was limping from the pain as he approached him, and when they locked eyes, both their eyes widened.

"Oh my Gods- Will! What are you doing here?" He yelled, his words still laced with concern despite trying to scold him. He felt a sense of shame bubble up in his throat.

"I... I couldn't just stay in the infirmary the entire time! I needed to help somehow, I couldn't stand being there doing nothing while people were dying!" He shouted back, his voice hoarse with the sound of sorrow. Lee's eyebrows furrowed.

"I told you to stay in the infirmary for a reason- and what are you doing with that sword? You can't even use it! You're going to seriously hurt yourself." He insisted, dropping his bow and facing him directly.

"I can help! I promise, just give me a chance!" He tried to point the sword towards his brother, but his already exhausted limbs gave out. The sword fell towards him, slashing the arm he was holding it with, and clinked to the ground.

Will yelped, instinctively grabbing the gash with his other hand. Crimson stained his freckled skin as he stood there in shock.

"No no no no no- This is why I didn't want you out here," He ran towards him, softly cupping his face. "Will. Look at me. You need to go back, okay? Ritika will take care of you, but you can't be out here." Lee's voice wavered as their eyes met. He ran his calloused thumb over his little brother's flushed cheek, wiping away tears that would never have been there if he just listened to him for once.

The quiet didn't last for long, though. His brother's head turned to their right as the thudding of too-large footsteps rapidly approached them. It took Lee too long to recognise that it was a hellhound running towards them.

"Just go!" He pleaded, his back turned as he frantically picked up his bow back up. His fingers expertly pulled the string back, arrow steady as he prepared to let go.

Crunch.

The hellhound ran past him, Front paw bloody, making its way for the crowded field. It didn't even see Will.

Something splattered on him. Like when Connor does a canon ball in the creek, and water covers him head to toe.

It was dripping from his face. His shirt was drenched.

... It was blood.

Lee was on the ground.

He wasn't moving.

Blood.

Blood everywhere.

Where is he?

He slowly made his way to him.

He shook his shoulders.

"Lee?"

More blood gushed out of where his neck was supposed to be. It pooled below him.

"Lee, wake up."

He shook his shoulders again.

"I'm sorry for distracting you."

His brother's t-shirt quickly turned from bright orange to a deep red. The only way you could tell it was him was the medic badge he so proudly displayed on his armour.

He wasn't a medic this time. He wanted to fight.

Will wanted to fight too.

Is that why he fell?

"Lee."

His hands were glowing. Flickering? His hands glowed when he healed people. Shallow wounds. Made them wake up.

They flickered. He wasn't healing yet.

It's okay.

He'll wake up.

His hands, still flickering with a soft glow, hovered over where his head should be. Scattered remains of a shattered cranium and pieces of torn cerebrum decorated the pool of blood like lily pads and algae on the surface of the lake. He tried scooping them in one place. His hands were red. Bright, bright red. Dark red. Lumpy. With bits in it. Sharp bits. Small little bits of brain.

Flicker.

flicker flicker flicker

wake up

lee im sorry

wake up

please

im sorry

There's screaming. Did those words come out? Did Lee hear them? Screaming. There's screaming.

"...-WILL!" He screamed. Will didn't look back to see who it was. "Will, what are you?-"

screaming

he sobbed

who?

"Lee- Lee, oh my-" He sobbed. He couldn't breathe. Who was yelling? "Will please, we can't- I can't lose you too, we need to-"

He didn't take his eyes off his brother.

flicker flicker flicker

wake up

Arms wrapped around his chest, pulling him. He fought. He fought so hard.

"Let me go! Let me- I need to-" He scratched them. He scratched the arms. Did they draw blood? He couldn't tell. Everything was already so

red

Bite. Scratch. Scratch.

They let go.

He fell back down. His hands weren't glowing anymore.

Or maybe they were?

He couldn't tell. Too much red.

A voice wept behind him. It grabbed him. The arms. The arms grabbed him again.

they wouldn't let go

he needs to fix him

why wouldn't he let go?

He was dragging him at this point. He fought so hard. Why didn't they let go this time? Doesn't he understand? He needs to heal him. He needs to fix him.

He lost track of where he was. There were no monsters. He could hear them, muffled as they may be, but they weren't there.

His vision was too blurry, too red to make out the details. Wooden walls again. Swords. Spears.

Bows.

He was clinging to someone. His red, sticky hands stained their shirt. One hand was going through his hair. Another hand was holding him.

Where was he?

Where's Lee?

There was blood running down his face again. So much blood.

Tears.

Not blood. Tears?

He couldn't breathe.

he couldn't breathe

"C'mon, breathe, breathe-" He whimpered, his voice shaking. He was crying too. "We'll- we'll fix him, okay? Shhh, breathe, breathe-"

His heart thumped, and thumped, and thumped and he still couldn't breathe

flicker flicker flicker

it's so red

"No no, shhh- I need to-" The arms shook. Their breath hitched. "It's nearly over, I need to go and help them- Just keep breathing, okay?"

flicker

"Stay here, okay? I'll- I'll come back."

Micheal left him.

He sat against the wall, unmoving. Unblinking.

He's gone.

Lee's gone.

Will tapped his foot against the tiled floor of the infirmary.

Tap, tap, tap.

On the other side of the room, Micheal was stuffing backpacks full of medical supplies. 7 rolls of bandages. 3 rolls of medical tape. 6 bottles of nectar.

"I'm missing something," His brother lamented, thinking.

Will watched him closely.

Tap, tap, tap.

Another war. It's only been a year since-

It's only been a year.

It was worse this time, however. More dire. More deaths. All of them could die, if they don't succeed.

Who knows how long they're gonna be there fighting? A day? A week?

Last time it was 3 hours, from what he was told.

He bit his lip.

"Hey Lee, could you pass me the necta-"

Micheal slapped his hands over his mouth, shaking his head. He's gone.

Will stopped looking at him.

His hands were red again. Covered in blood.

His hands never stopped being red; They only ever got bloodier.

Tap, tap, tap.

#fanfic #oneshot #pjo oneshot #pjo hoo toa #pjo #botl #will solace #cabin 7 #micheal yew #lee fletcher #angst #will solace angst #this hurt me to write #pjo angst

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writingonleaves · 2 days

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were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? (did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?) - jeremy swayman

pairing: jeremy swayman x original female character

warnings: swearing, pretty angsty. hopeful ish ending because i can't do sad endings, very personal but i think many can relate in their own way, cliche ish, barely proofread

inspired by + title: "the smallest man who ever lived" by taylor swift

word count: 5.6k

author's note: i'd argue almost every piece any author writes is personal, because it has their life interspersed through the words. but this one really is, because a majority of this is the exact same words i wrote years ago after a break-up. heard the bridge to this song and immediately knew i had to write something inspired by it. also trying a new format of sorts (maybe a bit meta??), so i hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!!

~*~*~

When Noelle Betsko walked away from Jeremy Swayman, holding back tears until the call dropped, she knew it was going to be a tough time for the foreseeable future.

It didn’t matter that the pandemic had forced them apart. She knew she would still feel him for months to come.

She did the only thing she knows how to do when trying to deal with things. The one thing she always resorts to as an aspiring novelist. Sometimes on her laptop when the words were spilling out too quickly for her brain to catch up, tears littering the keyboard. Usually in her old beat-up journal, scribbling in the cursive that Jeremy claimed he always loved (“It makes your handwriting unique”) with the pens he had gifted her just a few months prior.

At the age of 21, Noelle got her heart broken for the first time. At the age of 26, she’s about to publish her first poetry collection of sorts, all of the poems modeled after journal entries written throughout her life. So not really poetry, though her mother would say otherwise.

She swallows as she thumbs through the middle part of the first known and binded copy of “miscellaneous.” There are only eight entries in the whole collection that are taken verbatim from her past writing. These are the eight.

May 13, 2020 (three days post-breakup, crying in my childhood bedroom)

I don’t even recognize who I was and who you were in those writings before these pages filled with love and hope and happiness. I can’t even summon up those feelings anymore that I knew existed at one point. Those feelings of complete bliss and love for someone so deep you can’t explain it.

I’m mad at myself for not being able to conjure those feelings, because at one point, I did love you. How could something that was part of my daily life for over two years just disappear so quickly?

But now, I’m not mad at myself. I’m mad, but I don’t know where to direct that anger to. I feel a bit empty sometimes, but then frustrated the next. Sometimes I get sad, but not so much compared to the other feelings. I spent enough time being sad during our relationship.

When we broke up, on an annoyingly beautiful Tuesday in May — over the damn phone, mind you, which whatever, it’s COVID. Fine — You told me you felt like you had been putting more effort into us.

At the time, I didn’t react, but I’ve been thinking about how angry that statement made me. Makes me, actually. I was always very open with how much I gave to that relationship. How much it meant to me. How much it affected me. But I understand that with some people, sharing everything too much equates to things not meaning anything anymore. But you out of all people should’ve known that I mean everything I say.

I felt like I gave so much. I know I gave so much. When I told you I loved you, I always meant it. Every single time. When I told you I missed you, I always meant it. I wished you were right next to me at that moment. I mentally gave so much, because to me, I wanted to. You were always on my mind, always high up on my list of priorities. I never took us for granted.

I’ve been questioning if that was the same for you. Did you start becoming complacent?

The second thing you said that day that hasn’t left my head is that you knew me pretty well. And initially, I remember not thinking much of it. So I don’t doubt that; you always knew right when I was about to cry, even over the phone. You often knew when I was mad or upset, but when I look back now, you never pushed. Which is a good thing, to an extent. But it was a bad thing sometimes too. I knew you often wanted to give me space, but sometimes I didn’t want space. I wanted you to push. To try to understand. Maybe that’s unfair of me; it probably is. I should just say I want to talk about it more, right?

But if you genuinely knew me, you would’ve known.

After two years, seven months and 12 days, I still feel like I didn’t know you. Did I ever know you at all?

When people talked shit about you, I always defended you. And I still would defend you now. But lately, I've questioned what I’m even defending. All those good qualities that I thought you had, were they even real? Of course, I know some of them were, to a certain extent. But as I look back on us, there’s a lot of doubt about whether I even knew the person I called my boyfriend for so long. I know there was a point where you cared about me, but I can’t remember when.

I often felt like I was letting you know so much about my life, but you didn’t do the same. I get that sometimes a person just wants to forget about the bad and focus on the good with a person you like for awhile. I get that. But once that was happening every damn time? That should’ve been a red flag.

June 7, 2020 (twenty eight days post break-up, outside my childhood room on the deck)

I don’t understand how you can give so much to something or someone and have it not be recognized or appreciated or enough. If I wasn’t enough for you, how will I be enough for anyone?

I hope one day you’ll truly understand how much this hurt. Not just the breakup, but feeling like I was always being pulled in a direction I didn’t always want to be pulled in. Feeling I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and never ever being able to win. I hate that I settled so much in the last year. Because I should’ve demanded more, even though deep down I knew you were never going to be able to give it to me.

I think back to our past daily texts, and I just don’t get it. At one point, we both meant the things we said to each other.

Yet we still hurt each other.

This fucking hurts.

You’ve hurt me so much, but most of it wasn’t intentional, which I think is somewhat even worse. Because I’m not totally mad at you for causing the pain. You never did anything outright to cause me pain, but I still feel like you did.

Unintentional pain almost stings more than intentional.

When I asked you out that night after we were both on an emotional high, I took a chance. For once in my life, I took the leap, knowing that I could get humiliated or hurt or just straight up shot down.

Where did it all go wrong? Or, more realistically, how did we think that we could go through the wrong when it was there at the start?

I’m trying not to blame myself too much. Trying not to tell myself that I should’ve known better.

All those times, especially at the start, when I would ask you if you genuinely liked me, you always thought I was just trying to be annoying. But you never understood that I genuinely thought that way. My self confidence from the start was lacking, and you didn’t try to understand that, because I come across to everyone as confident and self-assured.

It hurt, when you would brush things off like that. I felt like you didn’t care.

And then, it got to the point where I stopped asking that question. Part of that is because I did become more confident and you did show that you cared, and part of that was because I knew it would piss you off.

The amount of things I was scared to talk about with you because I knew it would piss you off? I don’t wish that feeling on anybody.

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. But I was. And if you did notice like sometimes you claimed to, why didn’t you make it more comfortable for me? Was that too much to ask for?

So larger than life that at the end, you faded into just the smallest man who ever lived. Fuck you.

Was it too much to ask for when I just wanted to know why you were upset? You didn’t have to ever tell me the full story (lord knows there were times I didn’t), but was it too much to ask for something? You told me once that I’m the person you’ve told the most to. How? You barely told me anything. And when I wanted to talk to you, whether it was about growing up in Alaska or why you were in a bad mood last night, you always brushed it off. Always.

So I don’t feel so bad about feeling like I gave more effort. I gave so much of myself to you. If you really cared about me like you claimed you did, why couldn’t you show even just 1% of that care back? Or just meet me in the middle?

I could’ve tried harder to meet you in the middle, I’ll admit that. But you didn’t even give me a map or a clue how to.

I felt so fucking left in the dark. I felt left in the dark about my own fucking relationship, something that I should be completely sure about. If you really love someone and care about them, how can you leave them in the dark? How could you not even see that I was struggling to find a flashlight?

You did care about me. I know that. To some extent and at some point in time, you did care about me. But caring about someone and their well-being isn’t always enough.

Why couldn’t you have worked with me? When I was extending my hand out, why didn’t you reach for it? How can someone just be so blind? I mean, I’m practically always spelling it out for you.

Maybe I am being selfish. But fuck, I just wanted to be happy. At some point, you made me happy. When did I start making you feel like I wasn’t enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you?

It’s useless, in a way, to keep going about this. Because I know I deserve better. And we’ll both find people who are better for us. We just couldn’t be that person to each other.

I fucking loved you.

I wish it ended differently.

July 8, 2020 (fifty nine days post-breakup, in front of the lake)

I really really fucking miss you.

I do.

I miss being able to text you that i love you and not necessarily expecting a response until the next morning. I miss knowing that as soon as you wake up, you’ll text me back and assure me that yeah, you love me too.

I’m left feeling bittersweet as I look back on memories that are just splashes and not definite strokes on the canvas that used to be us.

I miss having you as a friend.

I’ve been having more urges lately to want to text you. And it isn’t even anything important. Just moments I experience throughout the day.

Do you get the urge to do the same?

July 19, 2020 (seventy days post-breakup, still in the same damn house)

It’s hard. It really is. And it kinda just hits you at random parts of the day. Sometimes I wake up from a dream that you were in and have to remind myself that it didn’t happen.

Sometimes it physically aches when I realize that you won’t ever help me put on my jacket again, or complain that my hair is in your face when we’re lying on the couch watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, or groan when I drag you up to dance with me (which you never improved on, no matter how many times I tried to teach you basic rhythm). I can’t view our song the same way anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

The other day, I read some simple thing on Twitter. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember that for a split second, I could see your smile in my mind. But it wasn’t just any smile. It was the smile you gave me when you took me ice skating that first time. I remember asking you what you were smiling at, and you said that you just were taking in this moment. I don’t know if you took a mental picture that day, but I know I did. That day seems so long ago now.

In almost anything I do, you somehow pop into my mind or into the conversation. And it’s not even in a harmful way either. It’s because you were part of my life for so long. I see a dog on the street, and it reminds me of how you always stopped to pet every single one we’s see I write something in my messy handwriting, and I remember how you always used to complain that you couldn’t read the notes I’d occasionally leave around your place when you went away. I went to the doctor’s the other day, and they said I was 5 feet and 3 inches, which is just definitely not true, and I almost reached for my phone to text you, because you would’ve cackled and insisted that no, I’m 5 feet 2 inches and it wouldn’t even matter because I’ll always be shorter than you. It’s simple and minute things that make me miss you that much more.

I still can’t listen to some songs the same way anymore, but I can at least listen to them now, which is a feat in itself. I was unpacking from college and found the teddy bear you sent me the first extended time we had to be apart and had to immediately put that out of my sight. From those boxes also came photos that I had decorated my dorm room with, and to be honest, I’m glad now that I let you keep our best one. I deal with all my emotions, besides writing, by making Spotify playlists, and I made a new one earlier this week. I think it’s helping. It’s a slow process, this whole moving on thing, but it’s one that I’m trying to be grateful for, because like most things in life, you just don’t truly know until you go through it.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how you are and how you’re healing. But, even though we’ve both changed since the day we met, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re incredibly strong and stubborn. I hope that you’re finding some growth in this process too.

October 17, 2020 (one hundred fifty seven days post-break up, apartment in orono)

It’s been almost 5 months, and you still cross my mind everyday.

Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why didn’t you fucking tell me what you were thinking? Why was I the one who had to approach you just because I was just so done with the silent treatment?

But I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. The mad phase passed ages ago.

Closure is a fake word. Even a breakup as mutual and smooth as ours was still left me with so many questions that will probably never be answered.

Any breakup fucks you up to some extent. I knew it was going to mess me up even back when we were together. But not like this. Never like this.

But like anything in life, I guess you can never really prepare for what you think you might feel, because most of the time, you discover a whole new side of you that you never thought existed.

I don’t miss you. I don’t. I don’t feel that love in any way anymore.

But I did once.

You did too, right?

November 15, 2020 (one hundred eighty six days post break-up, fogler library)

I hate Halloween.

Though, it did bring me to you three years ago. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you right then and there.

Three years later, you texted me on Halloween, five months after our breakup. The universe really, really wanted to fuck with me.

It was a tough night for you. I knew that. Because I know how you are after losing a game you should’ve won. But that didn’t mean that I owed you anything and had to respond.

We agreed on no contact if we ever wanted to stay friends. Clearly, friends is out of the picture now, but come on. A vulnerable text after a bad night because you know I would feel bad for you?

Fuck, you know how much I would hate that. You had to have known.

Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean that everything about you just disappears. I still know your tendencies. I still know exactly how my head burrows into your chest during a hug. I still know the actions I used to do that would be followed by you attacking me with a hug. I still could point you out in a crowd.

I looked for you in every crowd for years.

That stuff doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I want it to. But fuck. Fuck. Why did you text me?

I don’t regret how I handled it. I probably would’ve responded months ago. But just like you, I’ve grown these last couple of months.

It was comforting, for a split second, to know that maybe, just maybe, these past couple of months have been hard for you too. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I’m glad you texted me. You gave me another level of closure I hadn’t known that I needed until then.

But fuck, dude. You know me better than that. You should know me better than that.

I hate Halloween.

November 26, 2020 (one hundred ninety seven days, at the coffee shop i brought you to when you came home with me two years ago)

I don’t regret loving you, but I hate you for what you did to me.

Or maybe not.

I hate knowing that even though we haven’t been in a relationship in a bit, it feels like sometimes, you’re on my mind the exact same amount when we were dating. I hate knowing that I gave so much of myself and my love to you, and it always felt unrecognized.

Fuck, will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to have to stop myself from thinking about you? Will it ever stop?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

June 12, 2021 (three hundred ninety five days post-break up, in boston, visiting a friend)

Tonight, when a friend asked me about you and how I felt about how we ended, I was able to articulate my thoughts clearly. I’m really proud of myself for getting to a point where I can take the lessons I learned the few months after we broke up and acknowledge them in a succinct way without breaking down into tears. Just watery eyes and the occasional voice crack

I’m also proud that I can say that when we were dating, I lost a bit of myself. For months, it was really hard to admit out loud.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, I wish I could call or text you about it, because I think you’d be proud too. And I know I’d be proud of you. I am, to be honest. I do break resolve once in awhile and check on you through various avenues.

I still haven’t seen you in person since the last time COVID made us say goodbye. Maybe I never will again. But day by day, I’m starting to accept that and be okay with it. I’m accepting that memories that used to be so painted in my mind are blurry or almost completely erased now. But that’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably for the best.

I wonder, when you think about it, if you think about different moments that I do. That’s the thing when something ends. You have to be okay with letting go of those moments and realizing that just because you forget them, doesn’t mean they weren’t important.

I don’t think I miss you. I hesitate in saying that. Because I’ve moved on and handled the aftermath of it better than I think both of us ever thought I could. When you hung up the phone for the last time, I proved to myself again that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. But we don’t realize it until we’re thrown into a situation that we think we’ll never be able to overcome.

But we do. Whether it’s because we’re forced to because there’s no other option, it doesn’t matter. Because we get through. We move on.

I hope you're moving on.

And then it goes into other topics, graduating during a pandemic specifically and losing what’s supposed to be your last year of no responsibilities before adulthood. There are other poems in here that reference a past relationship, but not as much as these eight.

If there’s one thing that Noelle did change, it was taking out the details. Jeremy may have hurt her, but he doesn’t deserve someone possibly making a connection between these poems and their shared background. She’s not a famous author by any means, but she wanted to be careful.

Not that she makes that part of her life publicly known. People don’t need to know that her brother was Jeremy’s captain for two years at Maine and that’s how they met.

Noelle grew up going to rinks. She hasn’t gone to one since they broke up.

But also, what the fuck? It’s been five years since she’s dated the guy. She really is over it by now, even if his rise to stardom in the Bruins flittering on her social media feeds still sometimes has her swallowing a bit before she can continue with her day.

Brooklyn is far enough from Boston. But sometimes it feels like it’s right outside her door.

She’s proud of her first published work. She really is. People believed in her and after numerous notes swapped back and forth with her editor, she did it. She always knew she wanted to work in publishing. She never knew she herself would publish anything.

And here she is now, two weeks after the book release, in Boston, about to do a q&a and a signing. Apparently, “miscellaneous” has been on top of numerous lists and it’s flying off the shelves. Noelle can’t really believe it and tries not to think about it too much, trusting her agent with all of that.

She’s happy to talk about her work and process though. That she can handle. And she’s grateful for all the love.

After a signing at a local bookstore, she decides to walk the 20 minutes home in the Boston fall. It’s a bit brisk, but she doesn’t mind and she just wanders, belly filled with delicious sushi she inhaled for dinner with an old friend.

Of course it happens the one time during her walk when she doesn’t avoid eye contact with someone. The song playing in her earbuds fade out of her focus and she almost stumbles.

Jeremy’s eyes were always Noelle’s favorite thing about him. She thought she would’ve forgotten what they looked like by now. But clearly she hasn’t.

Her eyes quickly cast to the person next to him. It’s definitely a girl. They’re a bit too far away for Noelle to pick out details. But it’s enough. He’s walking on the side closest to the street. It’s a Friday Night in a bustling part of the city.

It hurts. She wishes it didn’t.

Even from far away, she sees his eyes blink in recognition. Noelle puts her head back down and walks faster.

(She cries in the shower when she gets back to the hotel. She had debated feeling super sorry for herself and going to the hotel bar but refrained)

She has a few free days in Boston before flying back to New York. When she wakes up the next morning, she debates on going home early. But no, she won’t let a three second glance at someone ruin her time here. She used to occasionally come here during her college days. She loves this city.

The city may be Jeremy’s, but she can make space for herself here too.

She takes her time at a cafe, people watching and eating some breakfast. As she takes her coffee to-go, she looks out the window at the bookstore she was in the night before for the signing. She almost drops her coffee.

Jeremy walks into the book store.

Now, Noelle is debating her options. What she should do is continue with her day and walk in the opposite direction. But she’s always been too nosy for her own good. And maybe a bit self destructive. She decides to leave the cafe and cross the street immediately, so impatient to where she’s almost tapping her foot as the pedestrian signal stays red.

As a writer, she’s no stranger to movie moments. The scenes written in books or movies where the timing is too accurate to be real. The situation too good to be true. But after a car speeds through an orange and she can finally walk, she stops in her tracks instead, feet glued down to the sidewalk.

Because Jeremy is right in front of her on the other side of the street. Her book in his hand. And he’s looking right at her.

The first feeling she can recognize in herself is anger. Anger at the way their relationship panned out. Anger at the way they ended. Anger at the radio silence the years following. Anger at him for everything. Angry at herself for everything.

The second feeling is, weirdly, shame, which she’s embarrassed by. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. But she feels it anyways.

The third, and perhaps the most prominent, is emptiness. Five fucking years later, and she’s brought back to the emptiness she felt immediately after they broke up. The emptiness that the person you loved isn’t yours anymore — who maybe wasn’t ever yours to begin with.

Before she can run, he’s already crossed the street to her. He looks naturally different as someone who you haven’t seen in five years would. But he also heartbreakingly looks the same.

“We should get out of people’s way,” Noelle manages to chokes out.

Jeremy laughs a bit. Her heart lurches. “Yeah.” He starts walking and she follows him wordlessly. This is his city after all.

He leads them to a bench under a tree with beautiful fall foliage. She puts at least a foot between them as they both sit down, staring out at the people passing. She can’t take the silence.

“I see you bought my book.”

“I did,” he replies evenly. “Congratulations. I always knew you would do it.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes hard enough she’ll forget when she originally pitched Jeremy the bare bones idea of the exact same book that’s currently in his hand. “Thank you. Congratulations to you too. On everything.”

“You’ve been watching?”

She shakes her head. “No. But, you know Seth and…yeah. It comes up during family calls sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you say hi last night?”

She looks pointedly at a couple walking their dog. “You seemed busy.”

“She wasn’t-that-it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh. Because that makes me feel so much better,” she spits out, before taking a deep breath. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. We broke up ages ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she gives him a look and is slightly proud of how he seems to shrink into himself a bit. “I-I know it’s five years too late. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

The thing is, Noelle always thought that maybe hearing an apology someday would make her feel better. But now that’s heard it, she’s not sure she does.

She swallows. “I appreciate that.”

“I’ve already read it, you know.”

“Read what?”

Jeremy runs a hand through his hair. “Your book. One of my teammate’s girlfriend recommended it and I asked to borrow it. It’s fantastic,” He looks down at the book in his hand. It’s like the cover is taunting her. “I wanted my own copy.”

“Oh.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me off the hook with the poems I know were about me,” he scoffs, shaking his head at himself. “You could’ve written way worse.”

She can’t help but let out a chuckle. “I thought I was pretty mean.”

“Your definition of ‘pretty mean’ is tame compared to a lot of people,” he says, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the book. “You were always the kindest person, even when you shouldn’t have been..”

He puts his hand out in her direction, the hand with the book in it. She furrows her eyebrows. “What-”

“Could I get a signed copy?”

“Jeremy. What do you want from me?”

He sighs, taking his hand back. “A chance to apologize?”

“You’ve already done that.”

“Not in the way I want to and what you deserve.”

She lets out a sigh, turning to face him fully. “I don’t know if that would be worth my time or yours. I know the book just came out, but that was five years ago. I’m over it. Forgive and forget, right?”

“But do you?” Jeremy counters back. “Clearly, you don’t forget, which I deserve. But forgive?”

“We’re just going in circles now.”

“No we’re not,” he says firmly. “You’re just shutting me down because you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve had five years to prepare what I would say to you if I saw you again. You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Of course I have,” Noelle tips her head back. “But also, what’s the point?”

“The point, is that I still love you.”

“Fuck you,” she says in a strained voice. “You can’t just-you can’t just throw that shit out there. Fuck you.”

He bites his lip, and to her annoyance, he laughs. But she listens more carefully, and it sounds very self deprecating. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” Noelle looks down at her feet. “So…what? You still love me?”

“I do.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“What are you going to let me do?”

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“I know,” she whips her head up. Jeremy looks sheepish, which she didn’t even think was something he knew how to do. “Seth mentioned it when we caught up a bit ago. I also still follow you on Instagram.”

She tries again. “It’s been five years.”

“And I’m here sitting with you and still feel the exact same way I did back then. Even more, to be honest.” He eyes her pointedly. “Any more excuses?”

Her voice softens. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry, Noelle.”

“I hurt you too.”

He shrugs. “We were young and stupid.”

“And we’re still not?” Noelle says with a snort before swallowing. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“I’m sure I’m not either. But I don’t know if there’s a world where I don’t love every version of you.”

“Even after reading the book?”

“Especially after reading the book,” he sighs. “Noelle, I know this is unfair of me. All of this. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reach out. But I always intended to. And then you’re here? And I see you twice in two days? I’d be an idiot to not try. More of an idiot than I am, anyways.”

“Try for what?”

“A second chance? To be friends? Whatever you want.” He suddenly deflates. “Even if you don’t want anything to do with me. At least I’ll know.”

“Why did you never text me?”

“I thought about it a lot,” he admits. “I tried once, actually, after the high of a really good win. But it didn’t go through. I got the message.”

“The message?”

“You blocked me, right?”

Oh. “Yeah,” she lies. “I did.” She reaches into her bag for a pen and gestures for the book, which he gives to her, a curious gleam in his eyes. “I’m in Boston for two more days, including today.”

He takes the hint immediately. Eagerly. “I have a game tonight, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Who are you guys playing?”

“Toronto. And I’m starting. Should be a good one.”

She hums non-committedly, scribbling on the inside of the front cover. She hands it back to him with a small, close-lipped smile. She nods at him to read the message.

to my first fan,

i still love you too.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

yours,

noelle

He looks up, eyes shining but a bit confused.

“I never blocked you. I just changed my number.”

“Oh.”

“And even if I still love you, I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t.”

She stands up, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and putting her sunglasses on. “Text me?”

His mouth splits wide into a grin. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”