The Heart Is A Meandering River
✨Life hangs in the balance of what we can see and what we cannot, like the musical flight of the moth. We turn many of our decision upon the intangible and invisible, for instance, we base significant iterations of our experience and of our aspirations on the indefinable and inimitable idea of love; We know pure love from our parents, siblings, friendships, our partners and our children, we sometimes feel love for an abstract concept, such as minimalism or poverty alleviation, we love and are tirelessly fond of certain activities, such as dancing, or arranging fresh cut flowers, or reading lyrical tomes, encoded with clues and ciphers from the past. Yet, we cannot hold or quantify love like inches of rain in the desert or the speed of moon swept winds above a lavender hill embroidered coast. Thus, I am convinced that the most beautiful elements are the ones that are unseen, such as the faithful return of birds to a pine and bluebell grove in the spring, or the grieving whale that carries her demised pup across oceans, or the ability to forgive and move forward from adverse situations and circumstances in the past. These twin unsighted abilities to love and forgive are precious as heirloom emeralds or the first jubilant encounter with a dolphin, they leaven the intractable heartache of doubts, unease, differences in opinion, misunderstandings and other strife inherent in all relationships. Perhaps, that is the secret charm to imbibing fully, lustily and headily of life, by loving beyond comprehension and having the ability to forgive in equal part for what is also unseen is the delicate and poetic harmony of chance, luck and destiny, that unveils as an ecstatic symphony, edging infinitesimally over the dissipating and lacy horizon.
In the scorching Sonoran desert the late August sun is suspended low and near, crisping the leaves of olive trees, it’s thirst robbing the potential splendor of vivid seagull beak pink and puckered tangerine zinnias, it’s twisting, biting, sharp and vicious intensity conspiring to slowly suffocate the tender branches of antique roses. Yet, despite many setbacks while learning to grow flowers in my covered south facing balcony garden, I ordered new flower seeds, as the excruciating desert boil will eventually be chased away by palmy, sprightly and pleasant late year temperature in the South West. I ordered a few of the seeds that grew well for me when I first set up my rows of terra-cotta pots and ebony grow bags, including lemon balm, poppies, borage, cornflowers and nasturtium, but added a few new varieties to practice, experiment, entice and see if I may conjure them from the reluctant soil and water starved air. As gardeners, we must be patient, diligent and sensitive, but above all, we must carry hope along the meandering rivers of our heart, to manifest blooms that may surprise us on an innocently trivial day, as well as ameliorate our woes on other tear stained, fraught ones. The roots escape from their shells seeking a redoubtable matrix, the palliative green shoots tentatively imbibing the light, the tranquil petals exulting in a memorable and intoxicating wonder, the thorns pricking at the thin blinds of illusion and the dew hastily giving us glimpses of bliss beyond.
The magic of candlelight in the dark, is a lullaby as well as a poetic duet with time and space. I light candles whenever I feel positive and optimistic about the moment. It is a physical means to adjusting and tuning the energy percolating all around us, the flickers lifting and suspending in the air, pulling us to higher realms. It is among my favorite times, as the children go to sleep, my husband wanders over to read or watch a film and I am so gently blessed with a few ambrosial moments alone, to think, read, write, listen to music or dance with the candlelight bearing witness to the haunting simplicity and the unimpeachable clarity that are the calling cards of quiet rooms, indolence and low, filamentous illumination. 🌛
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John Price x f!Reader
“Of course my love, always”
SFW + Fluff
“Hello, names John price. Laswell has told me all about you” the broad shouldered British man eagerly shook your hand.
You could feel your face heating up at the sight of him “All good things I hope”
“Well you are as beautiful as she said” he said before he could think.
“You always this cheeky” you ask
“Of course my love, always” he grinned
Stretching out your arms you look to John “Thank goodness we got all that paperwork done”
“Agreed, i don’t even want to look at my computer for the next week” John lets out a sigh and sinks into his chair.
“Understandable” you giggle at his tired expression “and with how late it is I refuse to cook dinner when I get home” your stomach rumbling since it was almost ten at night.
John perks up with a idea “Pub down the end of the street has good food, come with me”
Cocking your eyebrow you take a chance to flirt with him “You asking me out to dinner John”
“Only if you accept” a cheeky smile shines across his tired face.
“A dance studio” John asks intrigued.
“That’s the dream, I still work as a choreographer when I actually have time” you giggle at his surprise. Walking back over you hand him a cup of coffee.
“You sure are full of surprises” John never fails to be amazed at your talents.
“They charge you too much for rent for this bullshit” John grunts as he’s trying to fix the kitchen sink
“I know, landlord won’t even call a repair company for anything” your hands on your hips as you watch him work. He insisted you go back to watching your show, but who would pass up watching him in a fitted shirt and jeans.
“How about we stop trying to keep this place from flooding and you just move it with me” John’s expression was dead serious.
“You’re ready to wake up to me every morning”
John sets the wrench on the floor and looks at you with adoration “Of course my love, always”
“We should get a dog” you casually said as you made the way up the steps to his mom’s home.
“A dog” John had never considered getting a dog before, always on missions without someone to watch a furry companion.
“Yes, like a corgi” your fascination with the dog breed was something you loved to talk about.
“How about a fish”
“How long” you asked trying to gather your feelings. You’re still getting used to the idea him leaving not just as your boss, but as your partner.
“Two months, give or take a few weeks” John nonchalantly says as he throws the ball for the corgi puppy he got you.
“You promise to come back to me” you wrap your arms around him looking into his golden brown eyes.
“Of course my love, always” John leans in to kiss you.
You heard the front door open and close and a gruff voice trying to calm the excited dog greeting him.
“You’re back” you round the corner excitedly.
“As promised” John looks up at you and his body language visibly relaxes at the sight of you. Home.
“Sooner than expected” you smile
His hands pull you in close “Told the boss lady to speed things up, have someone waiting on me at home” a smirk comes across his lips as he leans down to kiss you.
You both relax on the beach watching the sunset during your much needed vacation. Sitting on the blanket with your drink in hand you watch as John shifts to his knees.
“I had a whole speech planned out for this. But I don’t think I’ll ever have the right words to describe my love for you. Will you marry me” John asks breathlessly awaiting your response.
You couldn’t get the words out at first, just nodding yes over and over. “Of course” you blurt out as a tear of joy falls.
“How long” you ask. You could tell by John’s body language he was not confident about this mission.
He sighs as his hand come to the back of his neck “I don’t know”
“You come back to me, promise” your loving voice says to him. You’d wait an eternity if that’s what it takes.
“Of course my love, always” John nods with a half assured smile, worried that he might break his promise this time.
“John, what happened” you caress his cheek looking at the stitched up cut. Hugging him gently not to hurt his slow healing bullet wounds.
“I’m alive don’t worry about the rest” he knew seeing the tears coming from your eyes he couldn’t let this happen again.
“You came back, and that’s all that matters”
“Of course my love, always”
“You don’t have go to the store with me, you’ve been gone nine months. Rest my love” you tell him. He hasn’t left your warm embrace all week since his return.
“Unfortunately for you, I’m going with. Being around you is my peace and rest”
“I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat” the doctor says to you both. Your heart shatters into a million pieces. John’s heart breaks at the loss and watching the most important person in his life fall apart in his arms.
“Is it something I did, is there something I could have done” you sob.
“Unfortunately miscarriages are more likely in the first trimester. You did nothing wrong Mrs.Price.” The doctor softly replied as you cried into John’s chest.
“It’s going to be okay, we’re gonna get through this together” John whispers while kissing your temple.
“I love you” you say through the tears.
John’s hand squeezes yours “I love you always”
“Enjoy the retirement captain” ghost says to John. A bittersweet moment to their paths departing one another. They’ll meet again someday you’re sure, but not like this. Just as friends
“Take care Simon” John says softly
“Always John” Simon says with a soft smile.
“You ok love” you whisper to John as he sits up in the bed from his nightmare.
“You’re still by me, so of course my love, always”
John quickly grabs the ringing phone “Thank you for calling Artistry Dance Studio, how can I help you. Yes the owner is in, would you like to speak with her” if you would have told John fifteen years ago he’d be retired and helping run his wife’s dance studio he’d have laughed. But he’s happy.
“boy or girl” he softly asked.
“It’s a girl” the nurse said.
John didn’t have words, he only had tears of joy as the newborn was placed on your chest.
“Are you gonna be here to pick me after” the shy little girl asks John.
“Of course my love, always” he was wrapped around his daughter’s finger. He watched her walk into the preschool classroom and take her seat trying not to cry.
You all sat down outside on the porch enjoying the weather and John’s culinary skills that prepared dinner.
“Taste alright” John questioned.
“Of course my love, always” you happily replied.
Looking at your daughter you nod at John giving him the green light. “You know how you asked for another sister” John told his little girl. She nods excitedly.
“You’re getting two more little sisters” you happily say. Yours and John’s little five year old couldn’t contain her excitement.
“Can you grab your sisters blankets from inside” John asks his eldest daughter.
“If I do can I grab a chocolate from the jar” your daughter that is so much like her father asks.
John whispers to her. “Yes, don’t let your sisters see though. They’ll wipe the jar clean of what’s left”
“Thanks dad” her little voice whispers back.
“Of course my love” he smiles watching her run back inside.
John bear hugs all his daughters after handing them each a bouquet of flowers. The twins first ballet show and your eldest first solo performance. “You did such a beautiful job my loves. I’m so proud of you all” he turns to you after putting them down. He hands you a bouquet of your favorite flowers “and you my love, as amazing show as always” he gives you a quick kiss on the lips.
You giggle “Thank you. You know, I should have gotten my assistant flowers as well.” Your finger hooks onto his belt loop discreetly, pulling him just a little closer “He actually hand sewed three costumes, I think I’m gonna give him something better than flowers.” you sweetly said. John’s face turns just a little pink at your words.
“Hey dad” your oldest runs into the house almost yelling “I passed my permit! Can we go practice driving now” she was overjoyed to learn.
“Good job kiddo, of course we can. Let me grab my coat” John was excited to teach her, but it also means his baby was getting older. She looks just like her mom only with John’s dark hair. And no matter how old she gets he still sees her as a chubby baby, gripping his finger as he rocked her to sleep.
“Mom! She took them again!” The oldest twin yells out from her room.
You sigh as your two teenagers always bicker over yet another pair of shoes, last week it was over a pink skirt. It wasn’t even theirs, it was yours.
“I’ll talk to her when she gets home, just wear her black ones” never in a million years did you think that this was the hardest part of having twins. Clothing and shoes.
“Oh love, come here” you pull a tearfulJohn into your arms. Today was the twins high school graduation. John was excited to see his girls graduate, but was devastated his little girls were growing up. “I’m just not ready for them to leave, they’re so big. My little girls” john says trying to choke back the tears. John cried when his oldest graduated and now as his twins do.
“You know, they didn’t get it from me” he looks down at you in his arms as you both cuddled on the couch. Looking at your adult daughters who all came home for Christmas.
“Get what” you laughed.
“One is a lawyer, one’s a doctor, one’s an astrophysicist. I could barely write a report. All those incredible brains are definitely your dna.” John points out.
“I’d say it’s a mix, I might be smart but they have your determination to succeed.”
Simon and John sit on the porch drinking tea. They’d been at their conversation for over five hours.
“Three” Simon repeated John’s words shocked.
John laughed “Yup, all three are getting married this summer”
“John my love” you whisper to John as he tosses and turns in the bed from his nightmare. It had been almost thirty years since his last mission. The nightmares are few and far between now days.
John opens his tired eyes and looks at you.
“I’m alright my love” his hand hold yours as you both fall back asleep.
“Grandpa! Grandpa! Come play with us!” Your youngest grandson yells for John. All three daughters and their spouses plus the seven grandchildren gathered in yours and John’s home for Christmas. Laughter filled the air as the children played. John’s arm still hung around your waist.
“And to think this is all because Laswell insisted I have an assistant” he presses a kiss to your temple.
“I almost told her no” you giggle.
“You never told me that” John said surprised.
Laughing at the memory “Laswell showed me your file. I didn’t even read it fully. I seen your photo and knew I had to have you”
John’s hand came down to your butt to give it a little pat “You cheeky woman” even in his older age John always flirted with you.
“Alright kids, smile” your eldest daughter tells all the kids as the photographer takes the photo. You made it a mission to get family photos done every two years. And this year was the easiest with all the grandkids being in their teens.
“Smile or I’m tickling you all till you buggers are blue” John says resulting in laughter from everyone.
“You look just as beautiful as the day we got married here” John says as he helps you to your seats at your grandsons wedding.
“Oh john, you always remind me. You’ll never let me forget” you kiss his cheek admiring his now aged face and grey beard.
“Of course my love, Always”
“Three daughters, seven grandchildren and fifteen great grandchildren” John’s deep voice pulls you from your book.
“Grandpa, how did you meet grandma” your great granddaughter asks.
“Come, all you rascals. Let me tell you about how I managed to get such a wonderful woman.” John proudly boasts.
The living room that once was just you, John and your firstborn has turned into a crowded room full of generations. Everyone gathered around in the living room as John starts his story.
“Promise you’ll wait for me” your old aged hand grabs his weak one. You smiled at the love of your life as you’re both surrounded by your daughters.
“Of course my love, always” he smiles as he looks around at the greatest love he’s ever known and the three beautiful women they raised. He closes his eyes smiling and took his last breath.
You open your eyes as you stood in your small home in the country. Your favorite record playing on the turntable, sweet sent of vanilla filling the air. You turn to the mirror. You’re young again. In the reflection you see him, standing in his faded jeans and a half buttoned up shirt. Turning to him you smiled
“You waited for me” you both walked towards each other meeting in the middle of the room. His arms wrapped around your waist pulling you close. Admiring the details on his face, just as he was the day you first met. Eyes filled with the same love he departed the wold with.
“Of course my love, always”
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