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#guess what. all the robots are trans now.

badass-queer-couples-battle · 6 months

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Sword gays showdown preliminaries

Propaganda:

For Kazuma Asogi:

ok so he’s not CANONICALLY queer but it’s ace attorney. so… he does, however, canonically have a katana! a sword so integral to the plot it gives me shivers just thinking about it. the sword also has a name, it’s karuma (translates roughly to karma) and it gets passed onto the main character, ryunosuke naruhodo (who he calls partner), after kazuma (spoiler alert) dies in case 1-2. except (SUPER spoiler alert!) he isn’t dead! he comes back in case 2-3 and would you look at that he has ANOTHER SWORD, a more european sword (cause he ended up in england after his amnesia brain said he REALLY had to go to england). once he gets his memories back, ryunosuke gives karuma back to him and proceeds to use it to destroy the wax figure of his dead presumed serial killer dad (long story), and now he has, you guessed it, TWO SWORDS! for the next two cases he wears both swords at his sides, and also he broke the tip off of karuma attempting to murder someone (he didn’t actually murder anyone but still) and then turns out karuma’s hilt has the REAL serial killer’s will in it. very VERY important sword. in the end, kazuma gives karuma back to ryunosuke which is really symbolic but that’s besides the point, and they cross swords and it’s a whole big thing. 10/10 gay sword guy.

For Raiden:

Man catches knives with his heels and uses a sword to cut through robots 20 times his size

He's such a tragic character! Raised to be a super soldier from birth and is constantly being exploited by the government. As for the lgbt part him and his rival in the latest game he's in have so much tension it's unreal (gay). I headcanon him as trans too because he has a feminine figure, his voice gets more masculine as the series goes on (testosterone) and his entire body gets replaced with cybernetics (trans allegory...)

For Claudine Saijou:

Fights with a longsword! Should be number 1 for this line alone: “For heroes, there are trials. For saints, there are temptations. For me, there is you”, said to def not her girl crush but rival btw (stream Revue of Soul) Vote for my disaster theatre kid its what she deserves!

Her gay levels are off the charts. She has a homoerotic rivalry with another classmate (Maya Tendo/Tendou Maya) that is integral to her character, as she was always first until she met Maya. She’s also half-French, but that’ll be important later. When she’s looking at pictures of Maya stretching (to study her form of course) and another character asks her what she’s looking at, she panics, blushes, and says none of your business. Her and Maya have a heartfelt conversation while stretching with Claudine’s face pressed into Maya’s chest (between her stomach and breasts). Some art from a magazine has Maya pushing Claudine into a deep stretch, but it looks like something a lot different (Claudine blushing doesn’t help. Also I realized that there’s a lot of gay stuff related to stretching with these two).

During a two on two duel (I know it’s not a duel), they fight together. Not only that, but at one point they hold hands and take a pose typical of romantic partners in dancing. For no reason. They just pause and do it to show off. They aren’t even fighting. Anyways, when they lose, Claudine starts crying, not because she lost, but because Maya lost. So, of course, Maya starts speaking to her in French, with one of the things she says being “You’re cute even when you cry, my Claudine.” All of this is stuff that’s happened in the series (except the magazine thing).

Now for the gay stuff in the movie. Their duel with each other is so dense with sapphic undertones they can hardly be called undertones. For starters, the song that accompanies this revue is called “A Beautiful Person, or Perhaps it is.” While this title is incomplete, the director states that he wanted the watcher to fill it in and this removed the end of the original title. That title is “A Beautiful Person, or Perhaps it is a Love Song.” The duel is framed as a fight between a hero (Maya) and a devil (Claudine). Maya is in an outfit reminiscent of Renaissance Italy and Claudine is in a suit. Thus, Maya signs a contract giving her soul over to Claudine, as is the case with marriage. With her own blood, in the shape of Position Zero (an important symbol in the show), which happens to look like a T, for Tendou. After a few minutes of fighting, Maya disappears and monologues, appearing in a white dress. This means that Maya has signed her soul over to Claudine, and they are now both wearing a white dress and suit. Not beating the gay marriage allegations. Maya finished her monologue with “For heroes, there are trials. For saints, there are temptations. For me, there is a devil.” They continue to fight, Maya proclaiming herself emotionless and empty. Maya then cuts the medallion from Claudine’s chest (they wear medallions and you lose the duel if it gets cut off).

Claudine falls. Maya attempts to claim victory by stabbing her sword into Position Zero, which is then covered by steel doors. Claudine sits up and reveals she has another medallion in her mouth, which she does by sticking out her tongue in a uhhhh. Anyways, after a bit of back and forth, Claudine tells Maya that she’s full of arrogance and pride and envy and longing. She then says that “No matter how many times I die, I will revive! Tendou Maya! To beat you, my rival, into submission!” She then makes her stage entrance, taking Maya’s usual entrance speech and mocking it. She also says “I fill myself with exploding passion, now, and bash it into your heart!” After some talking, Maya makes her stage entrance, taking Claudine’s usual entrance speech and mocking it. Up until now, they have been playing characters, but still letting their own emotions shine through. Now, they are entirely themselves.

They begin to fight again, running downs white aisle before clashing swords, with Maya saying “Such an ugly, emotion drenched appearance-“ and is cut off by Claudine, who says “Show me more, Tendou Maya! Right now, you’re the cutest you’ve ever been!” To which Maya responds “I’m always cute!” The song starts up again (duels are accompanied by songs), with Maya singing “With a grin of deception I’ll tear this piece of cloth.” Deception in Japanese is mayakashi, a reference to Maya’s name. Maya then sings “I want to show you my feelings becoming dyed in black.” Black is Kuro in Japanese. Claudine, in Katakana, is Kurodine, with her nickname being Kuro, so that line could also be interpreted “I want to show you my feelings becoming dyed in you.” Claudine then sings “Only me, always, forever,” before they sing in unison “You only need to look at me,” as they lock blades. Some fighting happens and they’re falling through the sky, holding onto each others clothes and Claudine says “Only I can make you lay everything bare!” To which Maya responds “I’ll expose my everything, on the stage!” Claudine shoots back with “There’s a partner you can expose everything to, on the stage!” At this point, there’s a short time with independent vocals for Maya and Claudine in addition to their talking. Maya has been singing “If I’m on the stage, if I’m in front of you,” for the last two lines of dialogue. Claudine sings “Be it ugly or beautiful,” as Maya sings “I will expose, anything and everything, all of me, all of me.” As this happens, Maya is saying “We love the stage,” which is continued by Claudine saying “And we can’t part from the stage!” Maya calls them both “Pathetic clowns!” To which Claudine corrects “No, rivals!” Maya says “If you’re there, I have to strive higher!” Claudine says “You make me even more beautiful! Maya!” Maya then yells “Claudine!” Claudine yells “For heroes, there are trials!” Maya continues “For saints, there are temptations!” Then, as one, their swords crossed, faces inches from each other, yell “For me, there is you!” Over top of this, their voices sing a line in unison: “Forever and ever, I’d like to cross swords with you.”

Claudine’s sword stabs through the contract, through the Position Zero in blood, which may be Maya’s family name, and Maya says as an aside “Saijou Claudine… You are beautiful.” Claudine cuts the medallion from Maya’s chest, finally beating her rival.

#sword gays showdown #claudine saijou #raiden #revue starlight #metal gear solid #kazuma asogi #the great ace attorney #shojo kageki revue starlight #mgs #ace attorney

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gnreadergames · 2 months

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Weird Science

Egon Spengler x Named FTM!Male Oc

Content warnings: Some sexual tension leading into non-graphic sexual content, mostly sickeningly sweet shit, Egon’s a lil crazy, Alex likes em cooky, doctor kink?? Is that a thing? Idk, either way a PHD title is used in a way no one should use a PHD title. Unless they are freaks like me :3

A/N: Crawling out of my hole I’ve been in for *checks watch* like almost a year to bring you this. I have no excuses guys I just rewatched my favorite movie and wanted to fuck the science man again. Super self indulgent, also for my trans readers because I’ve noticed a lot of yall thirsting after this man are trans. Congratulations my niche little subjects, here’s some food.

Word count: 13,971. - Yes you read that right. I just really wanted to write some gooey porn about the science man okay?

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Egon Spengler sat alone in the firehouse, surrounded by the various specimen he had collected from a bust and the various machines created to catch and contain ghosts. He had just finished running diagnostics on the Proton Packs, fixing a bug that Peter had showed him on his, and was in the process of cataloging and tagging some new samples he had collected on their last bust of a succubus in a hotel.

Alex was quiet about accessing the stairs. The door to the bottom always squeaked but he made sure to pull it open extra slowly this time, and somehow successfully managed to make it all the way up to the top of the 2nd floor completely silently. Egon was perched at the main table in the kitchen up top. Its circular surface was covered with bagged petri-dishes, spore samples, and various robotic gadgets he guessed were for ghost hunting. He deftly approached from behind.

Egon’s head was down, nose intently tucked into whatever journal he was writing in now as Alex tiptoed up behind him and every so suddenly crouched down beside him to ear level and said, in a level inside voice, ‘Whatcha’ up to Spengs’?”.

Egon startled. It was Alex. It was rare for anyone to just come up behind him at the firehouse, but given recent events, he wasn't really surprised. He put down his pen, looking to get a better look at Alex.

"Hm? Oh, just going over the findings from our last bust. And the latest samples. It's all pretty...standard stuff, really. Nothing worth getting excited about."

“Yeah? Thought molds spores and fungi were your type of fun, guy-“ Alex laughed a little at his own joke, hand brushing the back of the chair and inadvertently brushing ever so briefly against Egon’s bare neck. Alex blushed slightly and hoped Egon was too focused to have noticed as he took a seat next to him.

Egon glanced up from his notes. Despite Alex making his presence very obvious, Egon had been so engrossed in his work that he barely noticed. Now, he was caught, and clearly flustered.

"Right. It's not that this sort of stuff isn't interesting. It's just..." He paused, trying to come up with the right words. "It's less exciting than seeing ghosts, you know? There's much less danger to it."

Alex cocked his head, curious. ”So is that why you do it?” He asked.

He thought for a moment, considering how to answer this question.

"In a sense, I suppose. There is always the hope that when I'm out investigating, I might encounter something truly new. Something unexpected and unpredictable. Something that could turn the whole study of ghosts on its head. And believe me, it's been a long time since we've had a true breakthrough in ghost related research."

“Is it the danger or is it the superiority? The control?” Alex blurted out without really thinking. When he realized what he said and how odd of a question it was “I just mean…” he stammered, “Do you think you like the danger, or do you like being in control? Do you like feeling powerful over the ghosts? Do you like the chase and the win? Kinda like a game…” Alex mumbled off, blushing. He felt like he only further incriminated himself into his line of thinking.

Egon laughed quietly. Clearly he wasn't offended by the question, even if it was a rather strange one. He was also more than a little intrigued.

"There is certainly an element of control, I must admit. I do like to think that I know what I'm doing out there." He paused, still smiling. "But at the same time, I'm also just as much at the mercy of the ghosts. There's always a certain...risk that I think I enjoy."

“Hm. You work in interesting ways ‘Spengs…” Alex hummed thoughtfully. His posture became a little more relaxed as he rested forward, chin on his elbow watching Egon tag samples and hum along to a janky radio he had sitting on an adjacent counter of the kitchen.

"Doctor Spengler, if you don't mind," Egon corrected, his tone only half-joking.

He glanced back down at his notes, making a few more small adjustments before finally setting the pen down.

"So you just...came over here to bother me while I work?"

“Mostly. It is my favorite pastime as you know.” Alex smirked, almost cat-like. Egon rolled his eyes, he knew the gentle teasing Alex put him through.

“Also, Doctor Spengler? What am I, one of your patients? Or do you just get a kick out of making people call you that?” Alex teased again, this time dropping his voice a little in a lusty tone that made him laugh trying to get it out in one piece.

Egon smirked, rolling his eyes in return. Alex's teasing was one of the things he actually did kind of enjoy.

”The latter, if I'm being perfectly honest. Not that I'll ever admit it."

He crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair.

"But you have to admit, Doctor is a much nicer title than Mr. Or even Professor. That title's always been a little too pretentious for its own good," he continued to banter.

I like Mr. in…” Alex paused, looking pensively upwards, “certain contexts. Like if you were to get married. Mr. And Mrs. Or er, Mr. And Mr…” Alex said casually. He hadn’t formally come out to Egon but he knew Venkman’s little vermin hands had background checked him enough to know his dating preferences already and his gender. And to be fully honest, he liked Egon more than anybody else here, even if he’d only admit it under extreme duress, or maybe too much alcohol.

So he deserved to know.

Or maybe Alex was a little desperate to share practically anything about himself in hopes of getting closer to the other man.

Egon's eyebrow raised slightly, hearing this. Alex hadn't come out to him directly, but this felt pretty obvious. It wasn't an issue to Egon anyway, but he was curious to know now.

"Alex...are you telling me you're interested in...men?"

He cleared his throat, his tone a bit nervous. He wasn't sure how to react.

“Oh-“ Alex hadn’t expected Egon to ask him so directly. But then again, he never was one for taking hints. “Yeah, I am.”

His face was redder than usual and it was obvious Egon’s bluntness had caught him slightly off guard and flustered him.

“I hope that isn’t a problem with you. I really like…spending time with you Egon.” Alex said. He wanted to leave it vague, for now at least. He didn’t even know if Egon was into men, let alone if Egon considered him a friend let alone a potential romantic interest. He didn’t want to jump the guns too fast here.

Egon looked at him, taking a moment to collect his thoughts.

"Alex...I have no problem with it. I'm very happy to spend time with you as well. I just...wasn't expecting you to say that."

For a moment, he seemed like he was going to say something more. But he held back, thinking better of it, clearly not sure what to actually say right now.

"Just didn't have you pegged as one who...preferred men's company."

“Oh really?” Alex laughed, he could lighten the mood up a bit hopefully. “What did you have me pegged for then, ‘Spengs?” he asked, leaning forward on his elbows curiously.

Egon laughed quietly as well.

"Well, you seem like you'd have an eye for the ladies." He grinned, still in an obviously good-natured way. "If you're into guys, then you're not exactly...what I would call 'typically gay' looking."

“Well…thanks?” Alex laughed. “I’m into women too, so I guess I would be in the middle of whatever spectrum you’re thinking of.”

He crumpled up a loose straw wrapper from Egon’s ginger ale and started to flick it back and forth between his fingers, nervously.

Egon nodded. He didn't seem all that surprised by this; if anything he had always got the sense that Alex was at least a little bit bi-curious, given some of the conversations they'd had.

"Right. The ol' 'bisexual' thing." He joked.

Suddenly he looked at Alex again, with an expression of sudden realization.

"Wait. Wait a minute. Are you...are you saying..."

His eyes widened slightly.

“What? Not so blunt now Egon?” Alex questioned.

“Are you...hitting on me?”

Egon looked at him, and this time his tone seemed to be one of genuine curiosity, mixed with amusement.

“Who said anything about hitting on you? Just thought you should know.” Alex was very clearly red around the apples of his cheeks and ears. He was at least embarrassed, if not caught.

Egon felt something warm and vulnerable flutter underneath one of his ribs. He swallowed.

Alex was stubborn and obviously determined not to be caught this fast in this little game they had been playing, the roughly 3 weeks of back and forth bantering, the casual drink after work when everyone else had already left, and of course, decidedly ignoring whatever happened after the attack on New York when he saw Egon exit the building safely, if not covered in goo.

Even though he, and he’s pretty sure Egon too, both remember it, neither of them have brought it up in a serious manner.

Egon laughed quietly, shaking his head. He was surprised sure, but he certainly wasn't upset. If anything, the opposite.

They were alone together, no one to hear or see anything. No one to interrupt them. Egon took a deep breath.

"Okay. I'll be honest," he said, looking Alex directly in the eye. "If you were trying to get me to figure out you're interested in me, then that definitely did the trick."

Alex smiled. It was different from his usually sly cat-like grin. This time, it was a softer, less slick looking smile with some genuine warmth behind it.

“And why would somebody as astute as the doctor Egon Spengler care about such a thing?” Alex asked, feigning being coy.

Egon had to laugh at that, shaking his head. Alex was a lot of things, but one thing he most certainly was not was subtle.

"I care because..." he paused, his smile becoming a bit broader. Despite their teasing back and forth, he was suddenly being completely genuine.

"Actually, this is probably pretty obvious, but..." He let the rest go unsaid for a moment. He didn't know what he wanted to come next. If he actually wanted to stay casual, or if he wanted more.

Alex swallowed audibly with how quiet the room had gotten suddenly.

“Egon….do you….like me?” Alex asked softly. He felt like he was dreaming, like he would wake up at any moment and this would all have been some fevered imagination of a sickly brain, a brain obsessed with this gorgeous brainiac.

Egon's face was a shade of pink now...a very noticeable pink. He shifted in his seat, clearly a bit flustered.

"I..." he said quietly. "...yes." He raised his hands up slightly, as if trying to steady himself.

"I mean...if you're okay with what that means and all that...is it...alright if I'm honest with you?"

“Please” Alex begged, voice wavering. He wanted this so much he didn’t know how to ask with words. He had practiced this scenario a thousand times over in his head as he tried to fall asleep night after night and still, he didn’t know how to respond to this. “Be honest.”

Egon swallowed, trying to gather his thoughts and his breath.

"Okay...well...I...I don't think I could have made it through the last few months without you." His words came out in spurts, each sentence broken up by pauses as he lost himself in his thoughts.

"There's always been something about you. Something I've found...really irresistible. Your mind, your energy...your...your...ahem...your...um...your...looks" He smirked softly as he finished that last sentence.

Alex flushed bright red.

Up until 10 minutes ago he had doubts the doctor even had the capabilities to be attracted to anybody, much less a man, and to hear that he had potentially been being discreetly checked out around the office made a slight sweat break out under his collared shirt and tie.

Not that he hadn’t been doing the same thing to Egon a few times when he worked… who can blame him? He flushed even harder thinking about one specific time and broke eye contact, embarrassed.

Egon couldn't help but chuckle at this. He could tell that he'd caught a very sensitive nerve. A grin spread across his face as he shook his head, still laughing a bit.

"God you're cute when you get like this," Egon said, almost teasingly.

His tone became more serious again, as he leaned forward a bit closer towards Alex.

"Can I ask you something?"

“Y-“ Alex had to swallow, mouth suddenly becoming dry as Egon leaned ever closer. “Yeah.” His eyes couldn’t look anywhere by Egon now, and he was sure his face was visibly red by now if it wasn’t before.

Egon took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to say.

"Before, you said you hadn't formally told me...about...your preferences. Was there a specific reason for this? Because I'd like to know if..."

He stopped there, looking into Alex's warm brown eyes. He took another deep breath.

"Was it because you weren't sure about my preferences?"

Alex caught a nervous laugh. He didn’t want Egon to think he was laughing at him, he was just so relieved they might possibly be on the same page and that this wasn’t another time Alex would be head over heels for another guy that would leave him the first chance he got a hotter woman to look at him.

“Yeah…I was just… curious is all.” Alex looked down at the floor, nervous and a bit embarrassed to be that easy to read. “Took you long enough…I think the others were starting to think I was just weird.”

Egon smirked, letting out an amused sigh.

"Well, they're not necessarily...wrong about that." He said, teasingly as always. But it was clear that he didn't mean it in an offensive way.

When Alex said he was curious, Egon understood. He had always wondered why Alex had never talked much about personal subjects like that. He was starting to see why now.

"Right. Well, I think it's my turn to be honest, yeah?"

“I think it is, doctor.” Alex teased back. Now that he knew Egon liked using that little word he was going to be sure to make it difficult. Especially if this conversation was going the way he thought it was.

Egon grinned, playing along for now.

"Okay. My turn to be honest, then."

He looked at Alex, his expression more serious again.

"I'm still confused on one thing, though. Can I ask you a personal question?"

”Go ahead” Alex said. He supposed he could be honest about it all now since he’d been pretty much found out.

Egon breathed. "Alright. I can't help but notice that after every time we have a bust, something happens between us...how do I say this? More than before. Have you ever...noticed that too?”

Egon paused to take a deep breath, still holding his eye contact. This was the moment of truth. He'd known that for some time now, the two of them were beginning to develop feelings for each other. But he'd held back, not wanting to push it too fast. But now he couldn't hold back anymore. He needed to know if Alex had noticed too.

”I’ve…” Alex had to choose his words carefully. “I’ve noticed it too. When I started working here last year…” Alex shifted nervously and then suddenly became more serious, sitting up and placing his hands on the table. “When I started working here last year I didn’t think much about it. It was supposed to just be a stepping stone to bigger things, being the Ghostbusters official PR manager is nothing to sneeze at and I thought if I just hung out here long enough I could get a job somewhere on Wall Street, bigger things, better pay…” Alex swallowed. “But then I started to like hanging out with you guys. And then we became friends, and suddenly it became a lot harder to see it as just a job. And then after…well to be honest right before the New York attack, that night you walked me home after we were the last two here, I think I sort of thought about you differently than the rest of them.”

Alex didn’t know how to explain it, it was difficult putting it into words. “I think I realized I cared about you more. In a different way I mean. Sure I’m friends with Venkmen and Stanz and Zeddemore, but I didn’t see you like I saw them. I wanted to get to know you more, I knew it when I said goodnight to you and it was snowing on my doorstep. And you smiled at me. I think I knew then. And then of course right after that big attack happened and I thought for sure you were dead, we had no clue how anything was going to play out and I just remembered feeling like I could die of happiness seeing you walk out of that building, and…I guess before I knew it I was already moving to you. I don’t really know why I hugged you, I was just…glad you were okay. I was glad I hadn’t missed my chance with you, I guess. I hadn’t realized how special you were to me.”

Egon's eyes were locked on Alex's every breath, every word. It was like he was seeing him in an entirely different light right now. They'd flirted and teased back and forth before, but everything here sounded so much more genuine and sincere. Like they weren't even playing a game anymore, they were being very real with each other. It was a beautiful thing.

Egon swallowed, his heart pounding inside his chest. He felt like...like this was it.

"Can I be honest with you about something, too?"

“Anything.” Alex breathed. He felt like he was going to explode admitting all of that.

Egon swallowed, his heart pounding even faster. Just like Alex he was ready to explode. But he had to get this off his chest. Now that they'd started, he couldn't think of a reason to stop.

"I've never...I've never felt the way about anyone before the way that I feel about you. I didn't even realize it at first but I've been..." He couldn't believe he was saying all this. "...I've been thinking about you a lot. Too damn much of the time, actually."

Alex smiled, giddy and carefree. He felt a little dizzy with nerves.

“Really?” He breathed, excitedly. “I’m so glad. I can’t stop thinking about you, I felt like I was going crazy. I think even Venkman picked up on it this past month when you went on that blind date Stanz set you up on.”

Egon chuckled, a wide grin on his face.

"Yeah...can't say it was a successful date."

He thought back to the disaster of a date he'd been set up with a few weeks ago. It was pretty damn clear to even Venkman. So maybe they were a little more transparent than they should have been with their feelings of late towards their friend’s attempts to set them up with other people.

"I feel stupid for letting it take this long to acknowledge any of this."

“Maybe we’re both stupid.” Alex thought, dumbly. But he couldn’t let anything dampen his mood right now. He felt like he was floating, almost drunk with happiness.

“So Mr. Scientist,” he said, balancing his chin on his hand and reaching an index finger to fiddle around with the lid of an empty Petri dish in front of him, “tell me about what you think about me. What’s been on that big brain of yours?” He purred.

Egon felt his heart skip a beat when Alex started flirting with him. He wasn't used to it, but he really liked it. What he liked even more was the idea that someone as brilliant and attractive as Alex thought this way about him.

Egon chuckled, his lips curling up into a smirk. "You want me to be honest about what I think about you?"

“Honesty is the best policy” Alex nodded, intrigued.

"Yeah...yeah it definitely is." Egon leaned forward, his gaze even more intense than before.

"I think you're absolutely brilliant. Not just in terms of your science...but your mind itself. That sharp, witty mind of yours is such a...turn on." His smirk became a bit more mischievous as he spoke. "I love it when you try to outwit a person in conversation, when you get all riled up and competitive.... I love even more that I've never seen you lose."

“You have such a way with your stupid words.” Alex giggled. He was sure he was making a fool of himself but he couldn’t believe somebody like the Egon Spengler found him attractive. He could count on one hand the times he’d been this lucky in his entire life.

“You really know how to flatter a guy,” Alex admitted, tracing the rim of the Petri dish with the same finger absentmindedly.

Egon smiled, chuckling at that, but not denying the accuracy.

"I wasn't kidding when I said your mind turns me on."

He leaned in even closer, his gaze burning into Alex's. He looked at the way Alex was tracing the rim of his empty petri dish and had an idea.

"I have a suggestion..."

“Shoot.” Alex said, sharpening the ‘T’ sound, almost bitingly.

Egon swallowed, almost nervous looking. But he thought this would be the perfect way to test the waters, to see just how interested Alex really was before he took it a step further.

"Close your eyes..."

“Okay.” Alex said, cautiously but trusting. He knew Egon wouldn’t hurt him and if anything, not knowing what was coming next and being completely at the will of the other man kind of made him feel safe. It was nice. It made his heart race a little.

He shut his eyes gently, waiting.

Egon smirked, enjoying the game he was playing. He stood up, and slowly started moving behind Alex, his movements very subtle and patient. When he got behind him, he took the same index finger that Alex had been tracing the edge of the Petri dish with and ran it softly, delicately over the back of Alex's neck, sliding it into his hair and slowly running it through.

Alex shivered at the touch.

Christ.

Okay.

He hadn’t been expecting this. Egon wasn’t a touchy person, not even in the throes of victory, so this was new, and honestly thrilling for Alex.

“Egon…” Alex practically purred, keening towards the touch. He liked it. He liked it a lot.

Egon smiled, pleased with the way Alex reacted to it. He decided to go a step further, and slowly, still using only his one index finger, started stroking Alex's hair down his neck, and eventually down his shoulders as he continued to trace a line down Alex's back.

Alex shivered and twitched with every vertebrae that Egon ran his finger past.

“This another one of your experiments, doctor?” Alex teased with a voice lower and slower than normal, but this time the air was thicker with something unspoken and unseen. But it could be very, very felt. Distantly, Alex was glad everyone else had taken this Saturday off.

Egon smirked. He loved that he was making Alex squirm, that he was clearly enjoying this so much. Alex's lower and slower voice made his chest tremble with a mix of emotion. A mix of excitement and fear. He was enjoying this, this flirtatious back and forth, but now he was feeling more daring…

"No experiment...this is something...much more personal."

“And what exactly are you testing here?” Alex asked. He still hadn’t opened his eyes yet, but now he thought he couldn’t bear not being able to see Egon for a second longer. He opened his eyes, and titled his head slightly back and was met with an angled view of his affections.

His heart skipped a beat. He wasn’t expecting Egon to look anything less than well…perfect. But this was new. Egon’s once soft brown eyes looked almost black with how dilated his pupils were, and his olive completion was a richer red tone around his face and ears. He may be more cognitively in control of the situation, but it was good to see that he was just as affected by Alex as he was by Egon.

Egon smirked and stepped even closer, their mouths finally just inches away from one another. He watched as the corners of Alex's lips quivered ever so slightly, and he couldn't help but feel a wave of joy sweep over him.

"My test..." Egon's voice was lower, and more seductive than ever. "...is to see exactly how far I can push it before you can't take it anymore."

As he spoke, he leaned just a tiny bit closer. Their lips were almost touching…

“Egon,” Alex’s voice was barely a whisper but it somehow only came out as a strung out whimper. He titled his head back ever so slightly more and he felt Egon’s breath hot on his lips.

Alex would beg for mercy if he had to. He just wanted Egon. He was so happy he could cry. His entire body felt like it was vibrating with how wired and nervous he was.

Egon knew at this point he couldn't hold back anymore. It was obvious he was just as nervous as Alex was. And in this intense moment, he needed to let him know that. His hands fell to Alex's shoulders and he pulled him even closer, so their chests were pressing sharply up against one another.

Egon's voice was lower than the lowest, as he began to whisper right back.

"God do you know how badly I want you, right now? What I would do to you if I could right this second?"

Alex’s head spun. Who was this? His Egon was quiet and professional, but he couldn’t deny that he hadn’t thought of this side of Egon, better said, dreamed of Egon having a side like this. He knew Egon was a man of control, and rules, but he also knew Egon, like every man, had buttons.

And buttons, could be pressed.

“We’re alone for the day.” Alex reminded. Egon was so close their foreheads were pressed together. Eyes locked.

Egon froze at that, the only sound in the room was their heavy breathing. He felt Alex's body pressed up against him, his heart pounding in his ears. His lips were mere centimeters apart, now. And he was suddenly hit with a wave of...nerve? Fear? Excitement?

Finally, Egon's mind won the war within.

"God damn it, it's taking every ounce of self control I have right now not to just start ripping you apart with my teeth..." he said, eyes darker than before.

Oh.

A little crazy.

Alex could work with a little crazy.

“Please-” let it never be said that Alex was above begging, because he wasn’t. Especially not for Egon. He would beg for Egon to call him worthless and pathetic. He would beg for Egon to spit on him. Egon being nice to him? Practically as strong as cocaine straight to the brain.

Alex leaned forward and clumsily brushed his lips against Egon’s for a mere second before pulling back, mouth slightly open, eyes lidded. He wanted Egon to want this as much as him. He wanted Egon to want him.

Egon stared into Alex's eyes, his heart racing a thousand miles a minute. Just seeing Alex's lips meet his, even for just one brief contact, sent a jolt of pure euphoria through his entire body. He'd never realized just how much he'd wanted this...how much he'd wanted Alex, until this very moment.

Finally, he did it. Before he had a chance to second guess his actions, Egon let his instincts take over. He leaned forward and pulled Alex back into him with one firm and quick motion. He then proceeded to take over this kiss…

Alex gasped into the kiss. He wasn’t expecting Egon to be this rough, but he guessed there was a certain aspect of desperation on both of their ends. Egon felt like he was devouring him. Alex’s knees felt like they were going to buckle, and he was lowering slowly, slowly, with pathetic little noises as Egon kissed the breath out of him.

He broke for a second, as Egon leaned over him, pushing his back into the chair, legs straddling it weakly. “Eg-“ he gasped as Egon went in for another kiss, just as hungry as the last. Alex broke away again, more determinedly “I’ve wanted this for so long. So, so, long…” his legs still weak, he leaned into Egon’s chest and arms, holding him.

Egon was in almost as much of a stupor as Alex, that little bit he'd tasted of him before had sent his heart soaring to new heights. His whole body felt alive, every single nerve. He couldn't believe how much he had wanted this, how badly he'd want to take it even further. But right now, was just the two of them, alone, the downstairs door locked.

As Alex spoke, Egon squeezed him harder by instinct alone. It was only making him yearn for much, much more…

“How long?” Alex asked between kisses. His right knee gave out and he felt Egon pull away. He made a weak noise of protest as Egon’s body pulled from his, until he realized he was being pulled with it and spun around. Suddenly, he found himself being picked up by the hips and sat gingerly and quickly onto the edge of the table, legs straddled and Egon standing in between. He kissed Alex again, tongue slipping into his mouth. He obviously didn’t seem content with the position though, too far, as he broke apart again soon after to grab Alex’s hips and yank him toward Egon’s standing ones, legs locking behind his back.

“Since when?” Alex asked again. “When did you know?” He felt drunk as Egon moved to kiss his jawline.

Egon smirked when he realized what Alex was actually asking him. To have someone this sharp, this witty being so...weak in your hands was an incredibly intoxicating experience. But the time to pick was over, now was all about play.

"God I don't know...it's been a while." Egon moved back in to capture Alex's mouth once again, holding onto his hips for dear life. "Since I started to want to see the sides of you that weren't professional, that weren't strictly business...I wanted to see exactly how human you could be."

“I’ve wanted you since that day in January. The one where we had the poltergeist in the-ah!” Alex winced as Egon moved to his neck and bit at a sensitive spot just under his ear, soft tender flesh. “S-since, that day- when- when you came back to the lab in your- your lab clothes all-” Alex’s left hand, the stronger of the two, came up to grasp at the dress shirt stretched over Egon’s back, “and th-they were all singed and dusty, and you were covered in- mmhp- sweat, and you didn’t even look at me when you-you” Egon kissed Alex to shut him up briefly, and for a moment there was nothing but the noise of soft, labored breathing and the creaking of the wooden table as they pressed against one another, but eventually Egon let him go in favor of biting at his neck again. “You- you didn’t even look at me, just rolled, rolled up your sleeves and went to work in your lab. All serious, brow furrowed, covered in grime but still wanting to get data while- ah- it’s fresh-“ Alex smiled remembering it. He still felt fuzzy and the memory was still fresh. “You’re incredibly toned for a scientist did- did you know that?” Alex asked in a breathy voice. “You have a great- great body.”

Egon huffed a laugh against his neck.

Egon couldn't help but feel his ego inflate and his cheek turn red from Alex's compliment. He'd never considered just how toned his body was, especially with his lack of exercise and all his nerdy, intellectual pursuits. As Alex rambled on, Egon couldn't help but get more turned on.

He smirked as he bit down on Alex's neck again and felt his lips twitch against it, as if Alex was moaning.

"I think you might be the first person in a while who's actually taken the time to notice..."

“How could I not?” Alex asked. Egon had momentarily paused his nipping and chewing to lift his head and look up at Alex. His big, dark eyes were even darker than usual and it was hard to see where his pupil and iris even separated.

He looked, almost animal with it.

Alex had never seen a not very methodically, almost scientifically, controlled side of Egon. This made some part of Alex’s hindbrain flicker with a warmth he had only felt on lonely nights he spent fantasizing with his own hand and brain.

Egon smirked and tilted his head up as he looked at Alex's face, that perfect, beautiful, wonderful face that had eluded him and teased him for so long. He just couldn't get enough. Every part of his body was tingling with pleasure and desire. He wanted nothing more than to take Alex right here and right now.

"You look beautiful." Egon said it sincerely, truly believing every word of it. But then he leaned up and whispered, his voice a mischievous and enticing husk. "I'm going to make you even more beautiful..."

Alex complied limply. Whatever Egon wanted. Alex felt himself slipping quietly under into that mindset he loved so much. He didn’t need control. He trusted Egon. Whatever he wanted. He knew best. He wanted to make him proud. He wanted to do whatever would make Egon happy.

Alex reached his neck desperately towards Egon and caught one last desperate kiss with a small sound before he finally gave in and let Egon do whatever he wished.

As he watched Alex willingly yield to him, Egon couldn't help but smirk. The look on his face was just as he pictured: submissive, trusting, almost worshiping. He couldn't wait to push the limits of this power and see just how desperate his new lab assistant and lover was.

So Egon did just that, pushing Alex's shirt up and kissing his collarbone, slowly making his way up to his neck again. He bit and nibbled at his collar bone, all while rubbing his hands along Alex's back and hips.

“Ah!” Alex gasped. He was particularly sensitive on his hips, and once Egon knew, he used it devilishly. His thumb ran a steady back and forth rhythm over a ridge in his V-line, making Alex shiver. Another hand curled possessively over Alex’s back and made him preen with a particularly fiery feeling in his chest. Alex continued making weak and steady noises as Egon worked over his collarbone, biting and kissing everywhere he could reach, hands moving to grasp the skin he couldn’t cover with his mouth.

The power and the control that he was asserting over Alex was making Egon feel like he was in some kind of haze, like he was just floating around in a sea of bliss, a euphoric dream that he didn't want to ever end.

The way Alex reacted to his touch made his own heart skip a beat, hearing him make those soft little sounds as he nibbled just so slightly harder on his neck and collarbone. It was pushing all his buttons, making him want so much more…

“Please-” Alex begged, not entirely sure what exactly he was begging for. Whatever Egon would give him. Whatever Egon thought he deserved. Alex’s hands, at one point limp around Egon’s waist, now were clenched tightly into his shirt and his hair, respectively, as Alex’s body curled into Egon’s.

Egon shivered again as he heard Alex beg him, heard him pleading for more.

This was exactly what he had been dreaming of. A completely submissive Alex, one who would let Egon take control completely, one who would gladly turn over every inch of his body to Egon for...for whatever Egon wanted.

It was such a turn on that Egon couldn't even form whole sentences, his thoughts were getting the best of him and his body was ready to take...no, to take control.

“Whatever you want.” Alex wanted more. Whatever Egon would give him. He laid flat on the table as Egon pulled away and surveyed him quickly, eyes flitting across his body as a whole, flushed, shirt pushed up, hands clutching feverishly at the flat table finding nothing to grab on to.

Egon smirked, loving the look of desperation on Alex's face, knowing that he was completely and utterly at his mercy now. And as Egon looked over him, his eyes trailing up and down his body, it was like Alex's features became bolder, brighter, more handsome. He looked like a perfect specimen to him, to the point where Egon almost couldn't take his eyes off of him.

"I'm going to make your day today..."

“What are you going to do?” Alex asked, although he really didn’t need to know. He was okay with whatever. As long as Egon was happy with him, he’d do it.

Egon brushed a hand along the side of Alex’s stomach and Alex made a little hurt, punched out noise from his gut and curled into the touch, but it was gone almost as fast as it appeared.

"Just...just close your eyes for me and stay still for a minute." Egon's voice was heavy, and slightly out of breath. He was almost desperate himself, he needed this just as much as Alex, and he was willing to do whatever it took to make Alex want him and love him for the rest of his life.

Alex could almost physically feel Egon's desire in the air, his need for more, seeping off from him as it grew with every passing second. Egon's body was trembling, his breath quick and shallow.

”Okay…” Alex swallowed for the first time in a while, finding his mouth dry but his lips slick with spit. He felt slightly debauched, but he preened at the knowledge that it was Egon who made him this way. Only for Egon.

He sat patiently and waited for whatever Egon had next.

Egon watched as Alex closed his eyes, watching him with baited breath and a deep seated hunger his lips were practically quivering with desire. And as he watched, the hunger inside him only grew more intense.

Quickly, his hands traced along the top of Alex's body, down his sides, all the way down to his thighs, caressing and teasing his body, making sure there wasn't a single inch missed.

Alex whimpered. He felt crazed. Egon’s hands felt so large and warm, almost feverish. Everywhere he touched felt like it was melting. Alex was practically drunk off the feeling as he squirmed with every new press into tender flesh that Egon figured out could make him writhe.

Just the sound of Alex's squirms was enough for Egon to get worked up even more, each touch and each squeeze of his body had him trembling with desire, his body quivering with excitement, ready to explode out in a fit of sheer pleasure.

Egon's hands moved faster, his touches more firm. He was determined to tease every last ounce of sound out of him that he could.

“Please, enough teasing!” Alex begged. He was almost crying now. His heart has been racing this entire time. He still had one more secret to tell Egon and the longer the foreplay went on, the more nervous he got about telling him.

Hearing that voice break out in tears in response to his touches only sparked more hunger in Egon's chest, but when he heard the pleading come from Alex's mouth, that was enough to cause the last pieces of resistance to crumble. He had to. No more teasing, no more playing, this was the real deal. He needed him now.

"All right, yes, I will, just...just let me-" Egon said, but his words were cut short by his own mouth coming down hard against Alex's.

Alex moaned loudly. Perhaps the loudest one yet as Egon’s hands grabbed his hips and seared him against his pelvis firm. He could feel…a certain hardness against his leg as Egon’s tongue explored his mouth and practically stole his oxygen away.

Egon groaned into the kiss, the sound rumbling up from deep in his chest. He couldn't hold himself back much longer now, the only thing on his mind was getting more. More of this perfect body, more of the sound of his pleas and whimpers.

Egon's hand moved downwards, squeezing firmly and squeezing Alex tighter against him. It was all he could do to keep himself from pushing him down and taking what he wanted right then and there.

As Egon’s hand moved downward, Alex’s hand suddenly shot out and grabbed his wrist in a moment of blind panic and clarity. It shocked Alex as much as it did Egon and for a moment they both simply stared at one another, panting, flushed.

“Egon…Eg-I’m…” Alex started, trying to word something but seemingly choking on it. “I need to tell you something before…before we do anything else.” Alex’s heart was in his throat. He thought he wouldn’t even get past the admission of him being bisexual, he didn’t know how to breech this. “Egon…I’m transgender.” Alex swallowed, throat tight with want as much as it was with fear.

Egon froze, hand still in mid air when he heard the words coming out of Alex's mouth. His breathing stopped, his heart beating out of his chest, it was a miracle that he didn't fall off of the table he was sitting on. Egon just stared, his mind whirring a million miles a second, trying to process what Alex had just told him.

All movement stopped.

God.

He’d ruined it.

Ruined it.

Alex’s face burned with embarrassment. He knew Egon wouldn’t want him after this. He just thought…he doesn’t know what he thought…that in some miracle Egon would accept him?

His face burns with more than embarrassment, with shame.

He gets ready for Egon to push off and potentially even hit him. For baiting him. For being…a freak.

"Say that again."

It wasn't the reply Alex expected. It wasn't words that expressed disgust or anger or shame, but something deeper- something that spoke volumes to the depth of his emotions for him. Egon was breathless, his mind a million miles a second, but the intensity of the words in his throat were only getting stronger. He needed to hear it one more time to make sure he wasn't just hearing things.

Alex swallowed.

“I’m…I’m transgender.” He said, voice barely above a whisper.

His hand gripped the table’s edge, he could reach it from where Egon had pulled him closer to his hips. He was sweating, both from being hot, so so hot, pressed up against Egon, but also from nerves and anxiety chewing at his gut.

Egon's stomach flipped, his heart racing as blood rushed to every inch of his body. His mind was completely overwhelmed by the news he was just told, and he felt the heat and the intensity growing inside him again. But this time it was mixed with something new, with a hunger that he's never experienced before.

"Just one question..." Egon asked, his voice thick and heavy with desire and love. His body was trembling with need now, his heart ready to explode into sparks and flames.

”Yeah?” Alex whimpered.

Egon reached forward, grabbing Alex's wrist, pulling him closer, almost into a hug so he could whisper something in his ear.

"Are you a man?"

”Yes” Alex squeezed his eyes shut and whispered. Egon was so close.

"That's all I care about."

Egon's breath was so hot and heavy as he spoke, it felt like his words were igniting the room. He finally let go of Alex's wrist, his body trembling uncontrollably as all the desire he felt before seemed to have reached its peak. He was ready to take him, to mold him into whatever shape he found most desirable.

Jesus.

Alex felt like he was going to pass out. Or die. Maybe both.

His head was practically spinning. Egon’s hands grabbed his hips harder and slid down, brushing the waistband of his pants slightly further, exposing his hips and the beginning of a small happy trail.

He could cry.

He was so happy.

He was crying he realized. Tears slipped from his eyes as Egon began biting at his collarbone again.

Egon was like a heat seeking missile, his mouth, his lips, his teeth moving to whatever place he could find that would generate the most response out of Alex. He couldn't get enough of him, his lips trailing down his neck, down to his shoulders, his hand caressing his hips as he slowly pulled him even closer so he could bite, and bite, and scratch, and maul, and love every inch of him like he was a starving animal after the meal that had been denied him for months on end.

”Egon-“ Alex whimpered. His hands clawed at the thin fabric stretched over Egon’s back. He had money to afford the expensive thick type, Alex knew exactly what he was getting paid, but he also knew Egon preferred practical. Something he loved about him. He wasn’t afraid to come back to the lab dripping in ectoplasm or singed with soot.

In fact, maybe now Alex would finally have an excuse to get all those ruined cheap shirts off him.

Alex kissed at Egon’s mouth when he could. Brief, wet, desperate kisses.

Egon's mind was filled with nothing but Alex now, the sweet sound of his cries, the feel of his fingernails digging into his back, the way his body fit so neatly against his own....he couldn't go back, he didn't want to, he didn't intend on letting go of him until he finally saw him broken, broken and his, his alone.

Egon's desire continued to grow with every passing second, his breath getting heavier, his movements becoming more aggressive. He needed more.

“Whatever you want. Do whatever- I Just- ah - I need more” Alex pleaded. He knew it was pathetic. Begging to be taken, especially by someone he admired so much. He wanted Egon to think he was an equal, someone to be taken seriously. Not just some…whore. Something cheap to be broken.

But…maybe…just maybe…

He would like to be Egon’s anything.

He could be Egon’s plaything if he wanted. He’d bend.

He’s submit. He’d even let Egon break him, as long as he put him back together at the end.

And he would.

Because he knew Egon.

He trusted Egon.

So…

“More” he begged.

Egon's mind was just pure adrenaline now, thoughts coming one after another like a machine gun firing. Thoughts of him, of how he made this boy want him so desperately, how he trusted him so much that he'd let him do anything, even let him break him...it was everything he'd ever dreamed of and now that it was actually a reality it was all he could think about.

Egon's hands slid down to his back, gripping him harder, pulling him closer as his breath got heavier and heavier…

Alex bucked his hips against Egon, and the sweet friction that was there for less than a second lit a spark in his mind. He felt like goo. He was a specimen. All for Egon.

Now that he thought about it…he wouldn’t mind being examined like a subject. Put on display for the doctor.

Alex shivered at the thought.

“I really-really want you” Alex breathed, clutching at him.

Egon's movements slowed down as he saw how much he was affecting Alex now, how his actions were making the man absolutely tremble with desire and need. He savored the feeling, enjoying the feeling of his own dominance and the power it gave him. He could make Alex do anything, make him do anything he wanted…

"I want you bad..." Egon breathed, his voice heavy and thick with need as his mouth came down to Alex's neck, kissing and nipping along the way. Egon was trembling all over now.

”Then do something about it,” Alex bit, and leaned back baring his neck to Egon who bit it with a feverish intensity.

Egon moaned, the sound echoing in his ears as he bit and nicked along the sensitive areas on Alex's neck.

"What do you think I'm doing right now?"

Egon's grip on him had begun to loosen, but it was only so he could move one of his hands around to push Alex's hips forward and make him buck even harder against him.

“AH!” Alex jumped as one of Egon’s hands slid down his back and into the back of his pants. It cupped flesh, squeezing. Alex rocked against the touch, his front brushing against Egon’s feeling just how excited he was by this.

“I want more though…” Alex pawed at Egon’s neatly tucked shirt, finally managing to ruck the back up enough to grab skin just on the small of his back. He tried to pull him closer. “There are beds just a few rooms away you know…” Alex bit at Egon’s ear and got an almost growl-like sound in response.

Egon's mouth left his neck as he heard his ear being nipped on, making his grip on him tight again. He'd been thinking the same thing, the pull of their bodies together was too much to pass up.

"You know what? You're right..." Egon murmured, the only sound the deep breathing of the both of them as Egon began to push Alex towards the beds, eager for the chance to give him everything he wanted.

Alex stumbled blindly, stupidly, towards the bunk room. He knew which bed was Egon’s, and was suddenly thankful for the twin size, as it meant they would have to be as close as possible.

“Egon…” Alex breathed as he stumbled backwards onto the bed, Egon’s hands cupping his jaw. Alex begun to work on pulling the front of Egon’s shirt out of his slacks.

Egon's heart was pounding in his chest, the sound just loud and heavy in his head as he watched Alex start to pull down his shirt. His mouth was dry as all of the blood had rushed to his lower half at this point, making his entire body feel hot all over. He was practically shaking with every touch of Alex's hands as he held himself back at the moment. He could let himself go later, he had to wait just a few more seconds…

”Can I?” Alex asked, practically doe eyed as he looked up at Egon, flushed with lips wet with spit.

His hands fumbled with the zipper of Egon’s pants and the buckle of his belt. This was the only time he cursed how perfectly dressed Egon was. It got in his way of what he really wanted right now.

"Oh... oh yes.”

Egon's entire body was trembling in anticipation, his entire being was just craving for anything he could get from Alex and now to think that he was going to let him take off his pants to get to him....he was not going to last long if this continued.

Alex deftly and quickly undid Egon’s belt and zipper with a speed that told Egon he had done this before, and a primal, stupid part of Egon’s brain flared with jealousy. He wanted to kill whoever taught Alex that. Alex was his.

Alex yanked Egon’s slacks down and his briefs along with it. Quickly, he nosed along the V of Egon’s hips with the ferocity of a starved animal. He licked and kissed anywhere he could get his mouth to.

Egon couldn't stop the guttural sound of pleasure that came from his mouth, his legs wobbling with every touch of Alex's tongue and mouth. His breath was heavy and sharp, his body trembling with the intense desire now coursing through him.

Alex’s hands moved to cover whatever he couldn’t get with his mouth. He wanted this to be good for Egon. He wanted to be good for Egon. He made sure to keep his teeth out of the way, using his tongue mostly. He was still shy, new at this despite the fever with which he undressed Egon.

Suddenly, he felt a heavy pressure on the back of his head.

Egon’s hand.

Egon shoved ever so lightly, forcing Alex to go lower. He had to breathe through his nose now, which was new. His eyes watered up again, threatening to spill.

He liked this Egon though. This new, dominant, side. He liked the pressure of his hand, he liked being told what to do.

Egon's breathing was hot and heavy as he pushed Alex lower to him, his breath rushing out of his mouth with a guttural hiss as he pushed him lower and lower and lower. He needed what Alex was giving him now more than anything he had felt before. He wanted it, needed it, his entire body was trembling in a mixture of anticipation and pleasure, he was close, and he was close very very quickly.

Alex could feel Egon tensing up. He didn’t want this to end so soon but he didn’t know whether or not Egon wanted to go…that far with him.

Egon’s hand released up on his head slightly. Gently, the same hand came to brush sweaty hair behind Alex’s ear.

Egon was hot in Alex’s mouth. Like melting velvet. Alex could stay here forever, warm and fuzzy, doing whatever Egon says. Whatever makes him make the sounds he’s making now.

"Stop..." Egon breathed, his voice was thick and heavy as it was hard for him to get the words out. He was too close now, he needed to keep control of himself for just a little longer, to hold back a bit before he blew this early.

"Look at me." Egon hissed through his teeth as he grabbed Alex's hair and pulled him back up to his face like a demanding master grabbing his pet's leash.

Alex almost choked, pulling quickly off of Egon. His hands were strong, and huge compared to Alex’s face. It was a pretty picture for Egon. A flushed and hazed Alex, back arched, shirt ruffled and pushed up, midriff showing.

“Egon-“ Alex’s voice was hoarse. There was still spit connecting him to Egon.

Alex’s hands drifted to Egon’s thighs. He felt bad, he’d have to wash these slacks for Egon later. He was pretty sure he was going to have to wash this entire bed later.

"Put your hair back" Egon demanded, using all his strength to keep himself from grabbing Alex and pulling him back down for more.

He couldn't see anything else right now other than Alex. He wanted him. He needed him to be his.

Alex’s hair was short so he simply tucked it behind his ear. He blinked up at Egon and got the cue as Egon began tearing at the buttons of Alex’s shirt.

“Ah!-“ Alex tried to protest his shirt being destroyed but Egon simply kissed him and pushed him further up the bed towards his pillows.

“I’ll buy you a new one-“ Egon mended as he pulled the scrap off of Alex’s back and began working to undo his pants, still almost fully dressed himself.

Egon was now barely thinking, he'd let his desire take absolute control of him. He was practically ripping off Alex's pants out of the pure desire to be able to see more of his body. It was almost animalistic the way he was moving now, he couldn't even see straight. All he knew was that it was time to take Alex as his own, to possess him completely.

“Please-“ Alex coughed as he broke away from Egon to paw weakly at his pants, slug around his hips.

Egon kissed him animalistically.

”Baby,” Alex whined. The blood rushed straight to Egon’s lower half.

"Please what?" Egon said, his hands moving to pin down Alex's hands, taking charge of the situation now. He knew a guy like this didn't want to be in charge. The way Alex had been acting so shyly earlier, the way he'd begged Egon to take control made it clear he was just too…overwhelmed to have any kind of power in this situation. Egon let his mouth roam over his neck, gently scratching and biting wherever he thought would get a reaction out of him.

Alex’s breath was coming in shallow puffs now. His eyes rolled back in his head as Egon continued to make dark marks around his neck. He wouldn’t be able to cover them, they’d know. They’d know he was Egon’s.

“Please- doctor!” Alex begged. Egon’s hand roamed up Alex’s lower half, now completely open to him.

Egon stopped, his hands drifting down to his hips again to grip them. He liked how Alex's eyes rolled back into his head as he called him doctor. It made his heart beat to think that Alex would want him to be his doctor, even if it was just for this moment, because that was exactly the title he wanted right now. He wanted to do experiments on him, to see the inside of him, to break him down into all of his pieces, then putting him together again like a puzzle to make him exactly what he needed.

“Take me…” Alex swallowed, mouth dry, “Take me apart…” He finally managed to pull his lovers pants completely off and his shirt as well, leaving him in the same state as Alex.

He was glad the fire house was warm. Hot, even.

Maybe that was just them two.

Egon's entire body shivered at that one sentence. It was as though he could feel the heat radiate off of his own body, his heart beating so quickly that it almost hurt him.

This boy, Alex, he was exactly what Egon needed. Maybe not just for a few nights, but for forever.

"Then I will take you apart..." Egon said, it was almost a threat. No one else was getting him, he was his.

“Please,” Alex kissed Egon as he felt him move. This position was similar to the table, except now Egon towered even more-so over him.

They hadn’t grabbed any sort of…help…for this. It was just them. Bare. Alex hoped Egon was fine with that. He was on the pill after all.

“I want you-“ Egon kissed Alex to shut him up and moved. He felt hot. Much hotter than anything or anybody Alex had been with before. And his body was, larger. He covered Alex’s whole chest, and he could feel one of Egon’s hands tracing one of his top surgery scars.

Egon shivered again, his body shaking with both the desire he was feeling and the thought that there was nothing to stop them from going all the way, no condoms or contraception, nothing at all. He wanted to take Alex and to make him his, on every level.

Alex's scars were just a bonus to him, something he liked to see on another's body as it told more about who they were. He would always appreciate the scars Alex got, because it made him know Alex even more.

“I don’t need…prep,” Alex breathed. He flushed with the admission but it was true. He watched as the realization suck into Egon’s face and he grinned, devilish.

“Yeah?” Egon asked, petting Alex’s side sweetly. It amazed him how even in such heated moments like this Egon could be so sweet and shy.

“Was thinking of you while I…” Alex admitted in a breathy, sort of out of control voice before he could even think about what he was saying.

"You were?" Egon whispered back, his voice full of shock, it seemed almost impossible that Alex would think of him at all when he was alone.

"Just me?"

Egon's hands began to make their way over Alex's body again, stroking down his sides as he watched for his reaction.

“Only you.” Alex moaned as Egon’s hand teased him.

“Wanted to be Yours” Alex purred. He kissed the bridge of Egon’s nose, something he knew the other man was sensitive about, but to Alex, he loved it, it was strong and regal just like the man it was attached to.

"Oh..." Egon breathed as he heard Alex moaning and kissing his nose, he could feel his heart skipping a beat at that admission. No one had ever said anything like that to him before, he didn't expect anyone to ever tell him that they wanted him, let alone only him. His entire body was trembling now as he felt a rush of emotions all at once.

He lowered his face back to Alex's and kissed him deeply, unable to help himself at all.

“Please, please need you now, needed you yesterday,” Alex began to whine, clawing at Egon’s back freely now. He was sure he would leave faint red marks in his wake. He wanted to mark Egon as much as Egon wanted to mark him.

He drew his legs around Egon’s back and pulled him closer into his hips, barely pulling him in.

Alex grit his teeth. He was so hot. He felt like he had a fever.

Egon groaned at that as his grip on Alex tightened, his breath coming out sharp and heavy as he pressed himself into him with everything he had. His heart was racing and he could feel his vision blurring at the heat now, he was so worked up that it was becoming difficult to keep steady because everything that Alex was doing was sending him straight to the breaking point.

Alex’s whines and moans took a sharp turn into a higher register as Egon pushed home. It felt insane. He felt like he was full to his throat. He wanted to spend and entire eon here in Egon’s arms.

Egon’s moans took a lower register however, as he braced one arm bracketing Alex’s head, hair flung widely out onto the pillow behind him. Alex’s arm flew up to claw at Egon’s nape.

It reminded him of how this started, Egon’s finger slowly drawing up and down his head.

Alex felt drunk. Egon felt powerful.

Egon could feel Alex's back arching as he pushed deeper and deeper, each movement making Egon feel more and more dominant, more and more in control of Alex. He could hear the other man growling and moaning with each thrust as it drove him close to his limit, but Egon couldn't stop himself, he wanted even more.

”Egon- Doctor- I’m so close” Alex breathed. His eyes were brimmed with tears as Egon pushed against a spot inside him that made him see stars. His hand gripped into Egon’s back further, and he was sure his nails were breaking skin as he dug into him and pulled him closer, kissing him harder, teeth biting lips and clacking into each other.

Egon's lips were still locked to his, his mouth moving even as his body shivered at the pressure from Alex's hand. He was on the verge of losing it completely, he needed this release more than anything right now because he had come so far. He'd be lying if he said his actions weren't a bit selfish, but no matter what his intentions were, his mind wasn't thinking like that right now, all he could think about was taking more and more.

“Egon.” Alex’s voice tumbled into a softer tone without even meaning to. “I thi-uh-” he made stupid little punched out noises with every movement. Egon gripped his hand that was on his back and pinned it to the pillows behind his head with his own. He felt just as hot as Alex, if not more so.

“I think- think I’m in-“ Alex gasped and made a long pathetic cry as Egon slowly moved and held his position against him. “ITHINKIMINLOVEWITHYOU-” Alex jumbled out in a moment of happiness and haze induced fog as Egon, the man of his dreams, the guy he’s wanted for so so long, holds him and kisses him and presses into him.

Egon shivered at that admission, his chest feeling as though it were being crushed from the sudden rush of emotions that came from Alex's words. He couldn't even think right now, he wasn't thinking of anything other than this moment, this man he had wanted for so long was in his arms telling him that he loved him. Egon squeezed the boy tighter as he finally released him from the pressure and finally allowed himself to just rest his weight on top of Alex, holding him close.

Alex felt Egon tense, and one of his large hands came to grip Alex’s lower half. He pulled, and a few strokes later Alex’s back bowed and his eyes rolled and he made an absolutely pathetic whimper as he folded.

He was Egon’s.

Egon shivered again, his jaw was clenched tight as he tried to get everything under control and stop his entire world from shaking. Now that he had Alex here, he wasn't going to let him go. He was only his, he was finally his and Egon had never felt this good before as he felt a rush of pride flow through him. He would have to wait to ask if it was just a heat-of-the-situation statement or if it was the real thing, but right now it didn't matter. All he could think of was that he had him.

Egon felt heavy on top of Alex as he laid there after the fact. Alex didn’t have the strength to move him. He really didn’t think he wanted to move him. He felt… warm and full and he really had never been happier. He had the man he loved in bed with him…shit, he had just made love to the man he loved. Alex felt like he may explode despite being so wrung out.

He could still feel Egon’s hands rubbing softly at his hips, even despite him being exhausted. Alex felt a different part of him warm, his heart. Even despite everything Egon was still thinking of him first.

Egon didn't try to move either, he felt so incredibly content just laying on top of Alex, his body pressed firmly against him. Egon's fingers were still tracing over his hips, he couldn't get enough of the boy beneath him. He'd never felt like this before, Alex had a hold on him he didn't think he would ever have over anyone, in this moment he had finally been taken by someone, he had finally been possessed and he wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep with Alex in his arms.

”Egon.” Alex whispered a few minutes after their breathing had calmed down. Egon had shifted slightly to get off of Alex’s chest.

“I love you.” Alex breathed as Egon played with his hair.

He felt Egon smile against his shoulder.

"I love you too."

Egon's reply was simple, but he meant it with all his heart as he shifted off of him, laying beside him now. He was so comfortable and so content with him, he wanted to hold him this way for the rest of his life and he honestly didn't want to be anywhere else right now. His arm snaked around and wrapped tightly around him as he brought him closer to himself, holding him close while his finger played with the hair at the back of his head.

Alex nuzzled into Egon’s neck. He shivered as the last of Egon pulled out.

“Do ya’ think we could sleep here?” Alex asked, already sleepy. Egon had tired him out, and he was still partially in that fuzzy state in between conscious and pliable.

Egon’s hand wrapped further around him. He was warm and still slightly tacky with sweat.

Egon shivered as he felt Alex nuzzle into him again, he couldn't help but give a soft chuckle when he heard his request to sleep together, he was already getting used to being Alex's pillow.

"Yes, I do."

He was tired too and he let himself drift off with his body pressed against Alex's, his arm keeping him close even when his eyes were starting to shut and his heart was trying to slow back down.

Alex fell asleep peacefully and quickly that night. It was nice. He felt completely comfortable for once. He had half the mind to pull his boxers and Egon’s shirt on before completely drifting off and forcing Egon to at least pull his boxers on as well.

He was glad he did, because somehow both of them forgot to set any sort of clock beside any bedside table, and by the time Venkman got to the firehouse the next day, they had just enough time to hear the door on the first floor open to be able to wake up and rush to get things ready.

Egon sat up slowly when he heard the firehouse door slam open from the lower floor. He looked around, seeing Alex pull on his boxers next to him.

He had to be dreaming still because Alex had spent the entire night with him. Egon was already slipping on pants by then and Alex was up as well.

They both looked half dressed but it was enough to not raise suspicions that they had been with each other. For all Peter knew, Egon had simply spent the night in the lab and Alex had had a particularly good date. They shuffled blearily into the kitchenette, and belatedly, Alex realized all of Egon’s work was still across the table. He hoped it could survive a night of no refrigeration, he would’ve hated to have ruined all of his hard work. He didn’t look worried, so Alex was not panicked just yet.

Instead, Egon headed to the kitchen and started pulling down some pancake mix and a bowl from a higher shelf than Alex couldn’t usually get to without going on his tip-toes, and grabbing a pan from under the sink.

Alex sat at the same chair he had been accosted in last night and watched intensely. Egon looked so domestic. He had to borrow extra sweats and an old college hoodie in his locker here since his clothes were ruined last night. He was lucky enough to have another work outfit in his locker. So he didn’t have the luxury of pretending like the two of them had truly spent a night together like a real couple.

Even though they did.

Finally.

Instead, he was already internally preparing to make up some story about someone else if Peter asked about his neck. Thankfully, Alex was smart enough to keep any marks he left on Egon where only he could see them.

Egon was focused on his cooking, he'd made pancakes here a few times before but he was determined to make this a good breakfast for Alex, now that they were actually official.

He was too focused on that to notice just how much Alex was staring at him, watching him like a predator would prey.

It was a nice feeling to know he had this kind of attention. He finally looked over at him though and smirked at the sight before going back to cooking.

Alex knew he had to tear his attention away before Venkman came up here and caught on to something. He was half worried that the place still reeked of sex.

He had quickly thrown the sheets of his and every other bed into the washer with the help of Egon, along with their clothes.

In all terms, nothing was left of evidence.

But Alex kinda wanted there to be.

He really, really liked Egon.

Watching him cook pancakes, for him and Alex, providing like this without being asked, warmed his heart a little bit and he had to catch himself before his brain took off with the thought and started imagining 10 years in the future, to mornings just like this, except maybe with a few little feet running around.

Egon was actually feeling warm at the looks Alex was giving him, it made him feel good that Alex was looking at him like this, that he could make this guy so happy. Egon didn't think of the future, he was just focused on this moment, on making these pancakes. Once he had the batter properly mixed he set the bowl down and pulled out the frying pan, beginning to heat it with grease.

Alex didn’t think anything could ruin his mood today.

That was, almost.

After Egon had finished his pancakes, they had both eaten just as Peter finally came upstairs to see them. Apparently he had stopped to check on the car before coming up, so they had more time than they thought.

They conversed casually, and sure enough, as Alex bit into another bite of his pancakes, he watched Peter eye his neck suspiciously.

“WHO gave you those things newsboy?” He asked, smirking.

Alex felt Egon’s leg tense against his, but he didn’t stop eating or show any other sign of being startled, so that was good.

“Just some girl from the bar…” Alex mumbled.

He didn’t know if Egon wanted to be open about it. He wished he had gotten to talk about it with him before everyone had shown up for work the next day. They had a scheduled go over of what they were going to do with the vault and its size soon.

But it was interrupted.

As soon as everyone had crowded around the breakfast nook upstairs, the alarms rang and Janine was yelling from downstairs about some high level poltergeist at the manhattan library. Suddenly, just as fast as they arrived, the boys had taken off in the van, all suited up.

Egon spared him a fleeting glance, and it was packed with a lot, before he had shuffled in and they had flipped the sirens on and pulled off.

Well.

He may as well get some work done for the rest of the day while they were gone.

Egon had caught an expression out of the corner of his eye from Peter and Alex's exchange that he didn't like, his jaw was clenching as they were interrupted, but there was no chance to dwell on it right now. He was more worried about Alex, hoping he wouldn't get into any kind of trouble from the lie he'd told. As Egon was going into the van he gave Alex a glimpse of a look that said 'I'll talk to you about it later' before being shut into the van with the rest of the team.

Alex had busied himself until the van had pulled up again late in the day.

It was a bad bust. At least a rough one.

There was a loud noise of the garage opening and the van pulled in with the boys in tow. They hoped out one by one.

Peter looked tired, already smoking. Ray was talking frantically to Winston who didn’t seem to be paying that much attention, talking about dinner. And finally, Egon folded himself out of the tight door and seemed to be almost…smoking.

Not, like. Attractive-ness wise.

Like, legitimately smoking.

As in on fire.

Alex rushed over to see what was wrong, but as he approached Egon simply held up the smoking ecto-trap, still steaming from a big catch. He smiled tiredly and looked down at Alex.

Egon looked exhausted and in need of a good shower at the moment, sweat and ash covered him and Alex couldn't find a clean spot on him if he tried. He was panting heavily the moment he made it out of the van since the last ghost they had encountered had been one hell of a fight. His eyes immediately locked with Alex's when he started running over towards him and his face lit up with that tired, sweet smile. He was grateful that the one person he actually wanted to see right now was there to see him.

Alex looked towards the rest of the boys. “Okay boys, beds are freshly made. Go shower and while you do that I’ll order your favorite Chinese takeout!” Alex declared and he could practically feel Egon melt under his touch on his back with his words.

With that, everyone scuddled off to busy themselves.

Egon's shoulders sagged the moment he heard that, his expression suddenly becoming much more relaxed and calm. As soon as the rest of the guys left the room he had wrapped his arms tightly around him again, burying his face down into the crook of his neck.

"I don't feel like you give yourself enough credit Alex, I'm always fed well here."

His words were tired and scratchy, but he was still smiling as he squeezed him tight.

Alex nuzzled back, only slightly bothered by the singed smell of his uniform. That would have to be fixed later.

“Go shower, big guy.” Alex shoved Egon gently off him and towards the showers with the rest of the guys. He wanted him to be clean and feeling good before he gave him a warm meal.

Egon reluctantly let himself be pushed away but he still made good use of the rest room as he stripped off his sweaty clothes and headed into the shower. It wasn't easy to wash the thick layer of sweat and ash from his skin this far in but he was able to at least get it to the point where he didn't smell like he'd been standing next to someone on fire. He got out of the shower after about 20 minutes and put on a clean set of clothes he had kept up here.

As he searched for clothes, he realized a sweater from earlier was missing. He’d have to ask Alex if he’d seen where it had gone, maybe in with the clothes that they ruined last night.

Egon smiled smugly at the thought.

And here everyone thought he had no game.

He shook his head.

It was more than that.

He really, really liked Alex. He felt connected to him, on a deeper level than he did with anybody else on the team. He wanted to come home to him after a long day of kicking ass and saving the world, knowing he was safe and happy.

Egon smiled at the thought happily as he appeared back in the kitchenette, empty save for you even though everyone else had gone off to shower before him.

Egon was content with this moment right now, he was home and he didn't have to worry about his team for a little while longer. And even if Alex was still going through his stuff, and stealing it to wear home, he didn't have any concerns.

"I'm back, how have you been holding up here?" He asked, walking into the kitchenette with a small, gentle smile as he leaned up against the counter. Egon just wanted to keep talking with Alex for a little while longer before they had to actually get busy with work things.

Alex opened one of 3 bags of Chinese food he had ordered while the rest of them were showering.

“I’m okay. That bust looked rough. Wanna’ talk about it?”

Alex asked, bumping his hip playfully against Egon’s in an attempt to keep the mood light even though he knew sometimes talking about scary or close-call busts made Egon get antsy.

Egon's face was still a little bit strained after the bust but he couldn't help but smile when he noticed Alex was trying to keep the mood light, Egon liked that part of him. He couldn't help but chuckle as Alex bumped his hip against him, he knew Alex was trying to help. When the topic of the bust came up, Egon tried to dismiss it.

"Oh it was nothing, the ghost was just a bit stronger than expected but it turned out fine. Don't worry about it."

Alex could tell he was dodging him, but he wasn’t going to push. Egon would come to him when he was ready.

Or, he maybe he could take out his stress with busts a different way now.

Either way, Alex didn’t mind for now.

Presently, he focused on getting the food out of the bags and cleaning Egon’s makeshift science lab off the and onto the counter.

Alex was glad. It looked like they had all survived the night and were doing fine. Egon didn’t seem fussed with him moving them either. Just watched, enraptured, leaning over the rest of the kitchen with arms folded as Alex moved methodically.

Egon's eyes kept on moving from his food to Alex and back again, that sweet smile never leaving his face as he admired the way he went about his work. Egon's stomach was rumbling now that that sweet smell was filling the kitchenette, the smell of the fresh food just making his stomach growl. His hand reached out to try and grab a piece of the food but each time he reached his hand out he stopped himself, not wanting to eat until Alex had a chance to eat something too.

Alex playfully batted at his hand. “Let me grab the others, they went to grab beers from the basement freezer.”

Alex swung himself quickly around the fire pole a few yards away and Egon watched him quickly drop out of view rolling his eyes.

Always dramatic.

Alex was the one that used that silly pole the most despite only being a desk jockey and a PR Princess for the team.

Egon chuckled a little bit as he watched Alex take the fire pole, as much as he thought it was a bit much he was more impressed that Alex could actually pull it off. Egon got too lost in his own thoughts to notice that Alex had left until he was back in just a minute or two with the other guys in tow.

Alex bounded up the stairs and gleefully placed a cold 6 pack down in the center. Janine was even in tow behind the rest of the guys.

Egon smiled gently. It was perfect. All his favorite people.

Alex brushed up against him, smiling with a specific warmth meant only for him.

He clapped his hands together happily. “Okay guys!” He addressed everyone and gestured to the wide spread of Chinese food in the center of the table, with the beer as the centerpiece. “Dig in!”

Egon felt like something had suddenly and unexpectedly popped into place in his life. Like something was just ever so slightly out of alignment, and in this particular moment it all became very, blindingly clear.

It was all perfect.

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Final notes: woah!! Okay so that was a long story sorry everyone I have brainrot. Not responsible for my own actions but honestly we need more good ftm shit on this website so I took it upon myself. Hope everyone enjoyed but look out for more stuff soon because I finally feel like actually writing yayyyy :333

#x male reader #x male oc #x male character #x transmasc reader #x trans male reader #x trans reader #x reader #egon spengler #Egon Spengler x reader #Egon Spengler x male oc #ghostbusters #ghostbusters x reader #x gn reader #mad scientist #scientist x reader #doctor kink #medical kink #Spoz writes

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the-ace-of-arrows · 19 days

Text

I don't truly experience anything

- a poem of some sort, I suppose

aromantic - I've never felt this thing that others say define us as human.

this feeling that in media seems to be the one feature that qualifies an alien or a robot as owning a soul

this one feeling that everyone seems so obsessed over

the thing behind the curtains of everything

the thing that surely, no one could ever live without, right?

I've never been with a person, thinking about how I'd love to spend the rest of my life with them and them alone

I've thought I might have, several times, with my closest friends, the ones I feel comfortable around

but it's not the same

it's not how others describe it

I've never wanted to kiss anyone

the closest I've come to romantic love is platonic

but if it is

if it turns out I'm pan- and polyromantic

if I've only ever experienced romantic love, and never platonic

then I'm still one form of love short from everyone else

I'm still less

asexual - I've never wanted intimacy the way others seem to.

I've never seen a person and felt anything like what people have described

I've never been able picture myself in a sexual setting, and I've certainly never enjoyed it when I've tried

I've never experienced an orgasm, not even sure I could if I tried

I've never felt the need to do anything of the sort

I've felt the want to, sure, but even then, not really

because I've never wanted it for it, I've wanted it to feel included

I've wanted to know what everyone else seem to revolve their life around

I wanted to understand, and to stop being so alien to the people around me whenever I just don't understand something

agender - I don't understand it

really, it just doesn't make any sense to me

never has, and tbh I just thought we'd all agreed to just go with it, because that's what everyone else did

I've never felt like a girl

I've never felt like a boy

I have yet to understand what this "feeling" is supposed to feel like

I'm me

just me

my body exists, sure

and I guess it's keeping me alive, so I'll try not to damage it too much

but it has never really meant any more than that in any way that means anything

it's a house

and you can decorate it to your choosing

and sometimes you'd like to move, but then you look at the housing market at the moment and decide that actually

the house I have now isn't that bad

and of course, you can't tear down a load bearing wall, the whole house would collapse

but otherwise, do whatever you want with what you've got, and you'll be good.

I guess in that sense I've kind of seen trans people as claustrophobic people stuck in a small attic-appartment without windows

the housing market is still horrible, and so they start by making modifications

make a window

let the air in

maybe even make a terrace on the roof out the window

doing what make them feel better

and if that so means I'll have to stop calling their house and attic, because they've expanded so much it's really a proper house now, then sure, I'll change the mailing address, why not?

agnostic - I say agnostic, but really I'm just afraid to say atheist

because I've never been able to believe

I don't even think I've ever really grasped the concept properly

but I want to

I really really do

I want to believe that there's some higher power out there

that there's someone looking out for us

taking care of us

I so badly want that comfort that others seem to get from talking into the void and somehow still feeling heard

but I don't know how

belief is such an amazing thing

belief is unconditional trust, something I'd almost call stronger than unconditional love

it's trusting that someone else will do good without any guarantee beforehand

and yet even when it comes to my closest friends, I can't do it

because I only actually believe in them if I've seen proof of it before, and that's not belief, it's a conditional trust

and I'm so incredibly jealous of the ones who are able to do so

I wish I was religious

a human - ahuman

I sometimes don't think I'm human

and I it

so much

because these are the things that everyone else call "reasons to live"

these are the traits that everyone says define what it means to "be human" or "be alive"

and so if I don't

if I never experience the reasons to live

if I never experience what it is to be human

if I never experience the essentials of being alive

then what am I?

I have no reason to live, so I'm meaningless

I'm not a human, so I'm alien

I'm not alive, so I'm dead

I'm a meaningless alien, dead to the world and to myself

a non-human, walking around with no purpose or light

a nothing

existing in the background

and even then, not really existing either

because what is existence without purpose or life?

a - the greek prefix for no, and the letter that seems to pursue my very being

a-being

a-thing

no-thing

I'm nothing

I'm nothing, wanting everything

staring at the rest of the world as if through the pages of a book that I'm doomed to only ever read and never experience myself

I hate it

I'm jealous

I want what everyone else has

And I'm crying

Somehow

I'm crying

because even with all the everything that I just seem doomed to never feel

for some reason the universe never thought to add sadness to that pile

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cybertroniannugget · 6 months

Text

Pangea and mt Vesuvius

Not what I originally intended to post here, as I'm writing some spice at the moment but THIS is what my mind was occupied with all freaking day... The whole desaster takes place somewhere in the first movie or between 1 and two. Some details are changed up Which I did on purpose. I know all the movies from start to finish because the hyperfixations are hyperfixating real hard right now.

This is just a random story of how I get idk let's say teleported into the bayverse movies and how I'd probably handle that.

While I sprinkled in a bit more confidence than I actually got, I think it's an accurate representation of what kind of person I am: always cracking jokes, overthinking EVERYTHING, random useless knowledge that turns out to be somewhat useful.

About this fic: sfw, implied romance with OP, trans ftm character, no reader just Alex, confused Autobots they still need to learn so much about earth and everything, I also don't know okay?

This is just me struggling while simping hard for Optimus.

But we still ain't know what fucked up big M's navigation system when he crashed. Infact, why are all of our navigation systems useless here?! ", Jazz adressed, arms crossed over his chassis. "We all be getting lost all the time.

"I think I know why"

Oh please, why did I speak up just now...

All optics and eyes were fixed on me as I said that, making me immediately regret opening my mouth in the first place but here we are now.

"What? Maybe your systems think you're on Pangea.", I said, taking in the same position as Jazz by crossing my arms over my chest.

Optimus leaned closer, one servo on the railing, blue optics studying me thoroughly as to look for any signs of lie in my attitude.

"Pangea? May you elaborate?"

Hearing this deep voice so full of interest made me feel things honestly.

"The supercontinent. Wait, Imma show you."

I take out my phone, careful not to reveal the background, because I couldn't find the time to change it yet.

"Here, this is earth today. You see everything, Europe, Asia, South and North America, Autralia, Greenland and all the islands in the oceans."

"And this is Pangea, it broke apart into the continents as we know them today about 200 million years ago. This is probably what Megatron had in mind. See? When you look at a map of earth today you might think, if you turn south America around and snug it up to north America, they fit like a puzzle. It's because they were together as part of the supercontinent. Or push it up to Africa, same thing. Just squish it all together"

"That human is incredibly well educated.", Ratchet chimed in.

"That human has a name and thank you."

"But why did that happen? It makes no sense.", Ironhide complained, lifting one servo as to show his frustration in what I just said.

"If I may...", I look at Lennox, awaiting some kind of approval to continue. He nods and so I proceed with my explanation.

"Well, I don't know how to explain it scientifically, but I'll try to make it understandable."

Optimus nods, listening carefully. How do these highly educated space robots not know about that? But who am I to judge, they aren't from here so I can't expect them to know everything about earth.

"I think it probably started because of something called mantle convection. That means the heat from earth's interior rises up to the hardened crust. That caused it to break open, creating a volcanic rift zone. The cracks went further, the tectonic plates drifted apart. The rifts filled with water over time and while the plates drifted farther away, the oceans were formed. Or something like that I don't know but today we've got 6 continents."

Always undermining everything I say, great job on trying to act confident...

"And Greenland, I don't discriminate.", I added as some people eyed me.

"But I don't know if Pangea is what your systems used as the base to calculate. There were other tectonic combinations even before that, but it's a wild guess I'd say. I am certain it was one of them."

As I was explaining, Optimus' gaze changed to a warmer tone and I could feel my pulse rise to my ears. He was just so beautiful, and seeing him for the first time in person made my heart flutter uncontrollably. I wish I could tell him how I feel,

But this is real. No scenarios, no daydreaming or fanfiction. It was as real as it could get. Damn it, I wanted to shift here, not get teleported or whatever caused me to end up here with all of them. I hope we can atleast become friends. No need to get my hopes up though.

"Alexander?"

The baritone voice of the Prime pulled me out of my thoughts about him.

"Hm?"

"What kind of heat were you talking about?"

"Oh that. Well, starting at earth's core, it's liquid magma. It's really hot, like 5.200 Celsius hot. 9.000 something Fahrenheit for the Americans here..."

This was met with laughter and I continued with my lesson or whatever you might wanna call it I don't care, I'm struggling here okay?

"The further you go up, the 'cooler' it gets.", I say, underlining the word cooler with my hands in a joking matter.

"They probably got fancy scientific names but don't ask me which. Anyways shit's really hot. And it's what shoots up from volcanoes.", I finish as I look into a round of confused optics and a few tilted helms.

"Volcanoes? When tectonic plates crush against each other, or built up pressure is released, no?"

They all look at eachother, chuckling coming from my fellow humans around me.

"Okay here, that's mt vesuvius, big ass volcano."

"Sometimes these mfs shoot lava from this hole up there, pretty fascinating and scary at the same time.. It looks like this.", I add as they look at the pictures, not knowing whether to be amazed or afraid.

"The glowing stuff you see here is the lava. When it's still underneath the crust it's called magma."

"Are there many on earth?"

"Yup, don't get too close."

Optimus' optics widen at that statement of mine

"Don't worry bossbot, not on this island. The closest from here is next to Madagascar, Africa. Unless you decide to swim a few rounds up there there's no need to get worried."

The Prime relaxes, shoulders dropping while optics still focused on me.

Why is he looking at me like that? I mean I ain't complaining but if he continues like that Imma internally combust.

"You explain everything so well Alexander."

"Please, call me Alex. Alexander seems so long."

The Prime nods understandingly. "Very well then, Alex."

Oh god make it stop. I love you so much Optimus please...!

"His heart rate just shot up exponentially.", Ratchet mentioned and it was right then and there that I wanted to vanish, dissappear, sink into the ground, never to be seen again.

"Haha yeah, chronic Tachycardia, no need to worry."

That was a lie. Yes, my pulse is through the roof right now, but I've got no heart disease.

As I was met with confusion from every bot except Ratchet I explained before any questions could be asked.

"It's a general term to describe an elevated heartrate. You know, the thing in a human's chest that pumps blood through our body."

"Blood?"

"Oh come on. Okay, well then I can explain that to you guys later. And answer any questions you have as it seems no one else here cares about your education on earth and it's inhabitants.", I say grumpily, looking at Lennox, who raised his hands in defeat.

"I can see us becoming friends Alex.", Jazz laughed.

"Looking forward to it!", I said, pointing fingerguns at the silver bot, which is met with more laughter.

"Okay, class is over, what are we gonna do now?", Ironhide asks into the round of bots and humans.

I just shrug, looking at Optimus, who was still looking at me. But when I looked at him, he quickly looked away to Ironhide.

Cutie~

"Alex seems to know so much, why not ask her?."

That statement of a bystanding soldier was met with a glare from Optimus.

"Alex is a he, you better make sure to remember that!"

They went to protest, but Optimus wouldn't let them. "Unless you wish to get what humans call fired."

Oh shit he's really mad...

"I will make sure of that if you continue your unreasonable behavior."

As he said that I could swear I saw the soldier shrink right then and there infront of my own two eyes.

He looks at everyone. "This counts for everyone here. You will respect Alex."

Oh god, he's standing up for me I can't please marry me Optimus, like right now!

"Okay, lessons aside.", Epps put a hand on my shoulder, smiling. "You were great by the way. I think we can use that for good."

He looked between everyone, a stern expression replacing the warm smile, hand leaving my shoulder. "As much as of a crucial hint this is, we can't know for sure what's exactly causing the malfunction. Better dig people."

True honestly, but HOW is anyone supposed to figure it out without cutting someone open? Megs maybe...?!

"Something's on your mind again, I can see that.", Bumblebee said with snippets over the radio.

"What, me?! It's nothing."

"Nothing?!", Jazz protested. "You just gave us the best clue we could ask for. I'm no Optimus Prime but I can say that I wanna hear ya out my man."

He looks up at Optimus, who was looking at me again after listening to his lieutenant.

"I must say, that you have given us great insight on your mental capabilities Alex."

He leans closer and it took everything of the mental capabilities he just mentioned to not kiss him right here right now.

"Well uh, it's just some kind of impulsive thought. You know, the ones you can't really control...",I said nervously, one hand behind my neck, avoiding everyone's gaze.

But he didn't budge, only blinking once while awaiting an answer.

"Okay, you're not budging I see. Fine."

Taking a deep breath and regretting every life choice I had made up until that point, I went on. "Look, I don't know anything about Cybertronian culture and how things are handled. Especially this right here. Us humans, we always wanna know what exactly caused certain events. For example death here. So we came up with analyzing the body of the dead by cutting them open and stuff, it's called autopsy. Maybe, just maybe we could find something. I know Megatron ain't dead but he's in some sort of... Stasis? Someone could check his navigation system and maybe find the cause for the disruption."

I lower my shoulders, trying to be as small as I possibly could infront of Optimus, who's gaze I couldn't quite interpret.

"On Cybertron, there is quite a similar practise."

"So you're saying it's worth a shot, Prime?", Ironhide asks, unsure of what to think of the situation. "But he's not dead, as Alexander pointed out correctly.", Ratchet added.

Optimus turned around to face his Autobots.

"This may be our only chance. We must take it. For the sake of both worlds. This war has been going on for so long, we cannot let this hold us down. And now it seems there is a way to find out why this is happening. We will fix it, together."

Now it was on Lennox to speak up again.

"So we gon' dissect Megatron? I'm all in honestly. That fucker did enough damage."

My eyes widen at that. "They're not gonna kill him!" Unsure of the righteousness of what I just said I looked at Optimus, who nodded.

"See? They're just gonna take out the navigation system and leave."

"Ooh, big M is gonna be SO mad when he finds out."

"He won't.", Optimus retorted with an absolute certainty in his voice.

"Alright then, it's settled. Prepare people and gather as much information as possible for this mission and await any orders from Big O!"

And with that final order of Lennox the soldiers scattered around, leaving immediately.

Okay great, I'm gonna go be useless again wohoo.

"Alex?"

I look toward the sound of the voice I already grew to cherish. "I know, I know. I ain't accompanying you. I'd die if I did, already know that."

The Prime nods.

"I am glad you understand."

I love you so much I wish I could tell you...

As he remained standing there I grew nervous, fidgeting with the strings of my hoodie.

"Is there something you need?"

"Wha- me? No! Just... go be a hero.

You know you're good at it."

I clear my throat, pretty sure Optimus could hear my pulse. "But remember to take a break sometimes. I always see you up and about."

Did I overstep? I knew it. Chance blown. Goodbye earth. No romance.

"I highly appreciate your concern Alex."

He's always saying my name help. Is he just being polite or what does this mean?!

"There is this human saying. What was it again? I grab it with my heart...?"

Please he's so cute I can't~

"I'll take it to heart was it probably. It means to honor someone's wishes as you see them important."

He tilts his helm in question. "The person or the wish?"

That is when I think all the 5 liters of blood inside my body went up to my face.

Keep calm, stay cool Alex. Don't embarrass yourself.

"It's up to the person saying that."

Whatever higher power there is, please help me!

"You deem my wellbeing as important and so do I"

Phew, that was close...

"Can it be both?"

WHAT

"Eh, sure. There's always room for interpretation."

I guess...?

What has my life come to? They probably think I'm a know it all person. I gotta keep my damn mouth shut from now on.

"Very well then Alex, I look forward to working with you."

I only nod, trying not to get lost in those beautiful blue optics.

"I'm sure it's gonna be great Optimus!"

Unless I unsubscribe from life because a Deception squishes me...

#transformers x reader #optimus prime x reader #optimus x reader #what the fuck #what is this #what is happening #i don't know #what am i doing #send help #i do be simpin

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travlersjoy444 · 1 year

Text

On the Road to Nowhere

2012 Raph x Reader

Mutant Apocalypse timeline

Summary: After the mutagen bomb goes off, you manage to save Raph and Donnie. Sort of. Dealing with new bodies, memory loss, missing brothers and friends...was maybe not how any of you wanted your adult lives to go, but the world has changed beyond repair.

So with a heavy heart, you and your battered dream team set off onto the road to nowhere.

In other words, the early days of the Mutant Apocalypse.

Warnings: Angst, sadness, the characters cry a lot, bittersweet ending, really hefty word count, implied capriltello but it's in the background, Raphael is trans in this because it's my fic and my rules

Word count: 13.6k

***

Day 0.

Donnie was hooked up to some machine of theirs, trying as hard as he could to save his brain as their body was mangled beyond repair, Casey was texting you nonstop, Mikey and Leo were MIA, Raph was curled up on the couch, and you were sitting on the floor trying to process everything.

CaseyjONES:

R you guys okay??? No ones responding. Me and april are at my house

CaseyjONES:

(Y/N) seriously what’s going on? I know you can see this i see your read symbol

CaseyjONES:

Where are you guys???

Oh yeah. Now that you were done attaching Donnie to his one shot at survival, you could stop ignoring Casey’s texts. Nice.

You:

Sorry Case’ I was kinda preoccupied for a bit there

You:

Leo n Mikey are missing. Donnie and I retreated back into the lair. Raph is freaking out, I think he hit his head. Would ask Dee, but Dee is compromised.

CaseyjONES:

Compromised???

You:

They fell off a building and got impaled. Is currently uploading his consciousness into an old Metalhead prototype. Very horrifying to witness. Status update, I feel like throwing up.

CaseyjONES:

…

CaseyjONES:

Shit

You:

Shit indeed

You:

Anyways, I’m mostly uninjured. Arm mighta gotten mildly sprained but y’know what i’ll worry bout that later. Lair is a mess, only thing really salvageable was the lab. Probably gonna leave as soon as dee is stable. How are you guys?

CaseyjONES:

My sister got mutated. Last thing she touched was our cat so now she’s got claws. Shes freakin out and aprils trying to calm her down with empath powers or whatever. My dad is MIA but good riddance if ya ask me. Broke mty arm so im typing this with 1 hand, and april sprained her ankel. The cat has miraculously survived + is sittig w/ me on the couch wich is pretty cool ngl

You:

So youre all stable???

CaseyjONES:

Yea

You:

Oh thank god

You:

Cas my phones about to die. Dee n i will contact ya soon as theyre stable. Love ya. Stay safe or i’ll kill u

CaseyjONES:

Cool cool. Love you too. keep everyone+urself safe. Hopefully we;ll see yo soon.

You sighed as your phone clicked off, definitively cutting off your final connection to your friends.

Raph whimpered behind you in one of the most un-Raph like ways you’d ever heard, and you turned around.

“Raph? You okay?” You rasped.

He was curled around himself tightly, rocking back and forth.

“Who the fuck are you?” He whispered, tears in his eyes.

You winced. You were guessing he had some form of amnesia, or some kind of damage to the hippocampus.

“I’m (Y/N). (Y/N) (L/N). You’re my best friend, but I think you hit your head in all the chaos.” You said slowly, feeling your heart sink even further.

He gave a strangled sob and shoved his face into his knee pads. “I hate this. Who the fuck am I?”

“You’re Raphael Hamato. You’re the son of Splinter or Hamato Yoshi. You’re the brother of Donatello, Leonardo, and Michelangelo, and the father of Chompy Picasso. You’re the best friend ever to me. You hit your head when Leo saved us from the mutagen bomb. I’m pretty sure it is currently the end of the known world.” You answered slowly, robotically. You were half-aware of how you were saying it for your own sanity as much as you were for Raph’s.

“Where are we?” Raph said, voice trembling in a way that seemed so out of character.

“Your home. Well. Sorta. It kinda got partially destroyed, there were a lotta cave ins.” You said numbly, standing up. “D’ya wanna tour? See if it…I’unno, sparks a few memories?”

He pressed his shell to the back of the couch, scooting away from you. “D’you think that’ll help? …How do I know I can trust you?”

“...C’mere.” You said, waving towards Donnie’s bulletin board in the back of the lab. Hesitantly, Raph followed after you, though not without a groan of pain.

“That’s you.” You murmured, unpinning a photo of a smiling Raph and Casey as they posed in front of a wall you’d all spray painted. “I took this photo when we were fifteen, about three years ago. That human is Casey Jones, our close friend.”

Raph took the photo, squeezing it lightly in his shaky hands. “Show me another.” He demanded.

“Here’s you and I at the farmhouse.” You smiled fondly at the memory. “I was bored and convinced you to let me give you eyeliner.” Photo-Raph was scowling at the camera, with his arms crossed and pointy winged liner around his eyes. Photo-you was grinning proudly, holding the eyeliner pen with one hand and giving photo-Raph a side-hug with the other.

Real-Raph accepted the photo. “That’s me, then?”

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t I look like you and this guy?”

“We’re humans. You’re a mutant.” You said simply. “A turtle/human hybrid, like your siblings.”

You pointed to a group shot. “The one with the blue mask is Leonardo, orange is Mikey, and purple is…uhm. Well, purple was Donnie...” You said, trying to choke back tears as you stared at the photo. “I-is any of this…y’know, ringing any bells?” You managed to mumble out through your tears.

Raph shook his head. “No.”

“Oh.” You said, feeling a fresh new wave of dread wash over you. You took a deep breath. “Well. That’s not ideal.”

“Where are the other…turtles?” Asked Raph, clearly hesitant to call these supposed strangers his siblings, which nearly broke you even further.

“Mikey and Leo are missing, and Donnie…” You sighed. “Well, I’d probably better just show you.”

You lead him over to the table where Donnies mutilated body sat underneath a sheet. Wires ran from underneath it and connected to a tiny Metalhead robot.

“What’s…wrong with him?” Raph said softly, reaching for the sheet.

“Don’t.” You breathed, brushing his hand away. “You don’t wanna see it, trust me. They fell off a building and got impaled by shrapnel and debris. Their body isn’t exactly pretty or…y’know. Recognizable as Donatello.”

“They’re dead?” Raph asked, and the tinge of discomfort in his voice wasn’t nearly enough for the situation- the Raph you knew would be yelling and crying and screaming, not…not being mildly uncomfortable in the way that one is when a stranger dies.

“Yes and no. He’s uploading his brain into that robot. There’s only about an hour left before it loads. After that, we’re outta here for good. The scavengers’ll be coming soon, so we havta get a move on sooner than later.” You said, an empty hollow feeling in your chest as you said the words ‘for good’.

It just felt so real.

“C’mon. Let’s see if your room has anything salvageable.” You grunted, leaving Donnie’s body behind.

Raph’s room had partially caved in, but the front of it still looked okay. His drum set sat undamaged in the corner, though you doubted there was room for it in the Shellraiser, so it was a moot point.

Raph stared vacantly at the place that had once mattered so much to him, without a single hint that he recognized any of it in his empty features. You wanted to hug him so bad. Maybe more for your own comfort than for his.

But then again, you needed the familiar hug of your best friend…not this vacant eyed empty shell of a turtle who didn’t recognize you.

“Oh hey look. That box says ‘photos’ on it.” Raph said lightly, pointing at a dusty shoebox that sat under the bed and breaking you out of your spiralling thoughts.

“It also says ‘do not touch’.” You pointed out.

“Yeah well, I think I’d want me to know what’s in my own ‘do not touch’ box.” Raph grunted, sounding like his old sarcastic self again for just a moment.

You held your hands up and stepped aside, and Raph scooped up the box.

He took off the lid, and picked up one of the photos. “...Who’s Venus?” He said, holding up a photo of a little turtle in a red bow with the label ‘Venus De Milo’.

You frowned, staring at the photo in confusion. Judging by the line drawn over the word ‘Venus’, Raph clearly had not wanted you to know about it, but the name didn’t ring any bells. “Actually, I don’t know. I’ve never met a Venus. Maybe you guys had some long lost sister that no one told me about?”

“Seriously? What kinda soap opera bullshit would that be?” Raph snorted.

“I mean. It wouldn’t be the first time.” You shrugged.

“...Wait, really?”

“S’okay, we’ll ask Donnie.” You said. “Now…I’m pretty sure you’d want me to save your sketchbook and paints. Your canvases too, but we don’t have room for that.”

He swallowed, flipping through the sketchbook you’d handed him, tracing over the doodles on the cover. “Fuck. I…I don’t remember any of these.” He murmured, not even bothering to wipe the tears from under his mask.

“And I…I can’t find Chompy.” You whispered, rifling around his room a final time. “Shit. Shit shit shit. M-maybe he ran away…” You trailed off, wiping your face with your torn-up shirtsleeve.

“Chompy?”

You looked away from him. “Chompy Picasso. Alien turtle. Your son, basically...and I-I can’t fucking find him anywhere. Hopefully he got out before we came here, otherwise…” You swallowed a sob.

Raph stared at you, looking sick. “I had a son? But aren’t we…teenagers?” He said, his voice devoid of the raging grief he would have felt before, and replaced with a look of discomfort and horror at being a stranger to his own life.

“An adoptive son, practically, yeah. And you…you loved him so, so much…He was so fucking cute…” You cried, your voice cracking. “Shit, Raph. You don’t remember Chompy…”

“Shit.” He agreed, staring at the ground.

***

Donnie was stable now, opening and closing his new metal hands.

“How’s Raph?” They said. Their voice had taken on a metallic ring, though it still sounded like Donnie at its core.

“Brain damage. He’s got brain damage.” You answered, glancing over to the far side of the lab where Raph sat, flipping through his box of photos.

“What?!”

“He doesn’t remember anything. That’s why he's keeping his distance. Said it feels weird.”

“Memory loss.” Donnie said, and the creaking breathy sounds that followed could only be described as crying although his new metal face remained neutral.

You held out your arms and Donnie fell into them, shaking and sobbing but not really. They were so small now, which felt wrong, because Donnie had always been close to your height if not taller.

Well, it didn’t matter. This was Donnie now, and that stranger in the corner staring at the photos was Raph, and that haggard looking human in the mirror was you.

Day 0 of the apocalypse and you were already all falling apart at the seams.

Nice.

***

Day 1.

Raph forgot his own name for a few hours, and Donnie panicked. He’d say to you later that it was nice to know his circuitry was still capable of having a panic attack, but his voice would be hollow. Well, more so than it was already with that robotic tremor to his voice.

But at the moment, you were sitting with your arms around a trembling Metalhead who was actually Donatello, and making uncomfortable eye contact with Raph who sat across from you on the floor of the Shellraiser.

His bright green eyes were narrowed in frustration, and his plastron rose and fell quicker than usual. He was probably hyperventilating.

You kept your distance. When you’d tried to comfort him earlier, he’d tried to shank you with a piece of glass he’d found on the ground. You didn’t hold it against him, really- he’d yelled “Who the hell are you?! Stay back!” first, so you at least knew it wasn’t out of malice.

And it also meant that he was more damaged than you and Donnie had originally thought.

Probably permanently, Donnie had said through gasping breaths before he realized he didn’t actually need air anymore.

Fuck.

“I’m sorry, Raph.” You found yourself saying, because you were. It may have stung having him try to hurt you, but what stung more was the look of pure fear and confusion in his face.

He broke eye contact with you and dropped his face onto his knee pads again, slumping over in shame and sorrow.

“I’m sorry (Y/N), Donatello.” He replied, voice slightly muffled by his legs, which were pulled to his chest.

“Don’t be.” You muttered. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t mean to.”

Donnie nodded. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I should’ve treated you sooner, then you might’ve stood a chance-”

“Shut up Donatello. If you had done that then you woulda bled out and died and you are not allowed to fucking die on me, we clear?” You hissed, squeezing his metal shoulders.

“I did die, (Y/N).” Donnie said flatly, pointing at the bag that held their body.

“Shit.” You said, letting your gaze follow his finger as you let it finally sink in that yeah you were talking to Donnie, but also that was his fucking corpse in the back of the Shellraiser. “Shit shit shit. You’re still with us, but like…man this is fucked up, huh? You’re not dead, Don, you’re still you, but…”

“What if I’m not?! I’m a robot! Maybe the real Donatello is dead! What if I’m just a really good simulation?! What if I just think I’m panicking because it’s what Donatello would do?” He exclaimed, tugging on Metalhead’s antennae when he would usually tug on his mask tails.

“Well if it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure human emotions are a physical chemical reaction too. So one could argue that I’m just freaking out because the chemicals in my brain are reacting rather than me actually feeling things, right?” You offered.

“...I guess…Look I think I'm gonna go into sleep mode now, okay? It’s been a long day.” They sighed.

“Yeah, okay. See ya tomorrow, Don. Love you.” You said, patting his shoulder.

“Ditto.” They said, and then the lights went out in their eyes.

Raph sighed, staring at his sibling. “It feels weird being taller than them for some reason.” He grunted, breaking the silence.

“Oh, you remember that?” You said hopefully.

“Nah. I guess it just….feels weird. I dunno.”

“Well…Yeah it really does. Donnie always towered over you and Leo. Mikey hit a growth spurt like two years ago and wound up almost as tall, and you nearly cried at that...” You rambled, smiling.

“Oh. That explains it, I guess.” Raph snorted. “Was I…taller than Leo? Just out of curiosity, of course…” He added, looking hopeful.

“Nah. Leo’s 5’2ish. You are 5’1.”

“...Fuck.” Raph cursed. “That is unfair, y’know that?”

“You complained about it often.” You smiled. “It was kinda adorable.”

“Adorable?” Raph said, wrinkling his snout.

“Yeah. Ha. I uh….called you that a lot, guess it’s kinda a habit. Not because you’re short but because I thought you were cute. Uh…by which I mean good-looking, not cute like a kitten or something.” You said with a shrug. “Not that it really matters.”

“Oh. That’s cool then, I guess.” Raph said with a slight smile.

You smiled. “So I can keep callin’ you adorable?”

“Sure. Knock yourself out.”

You glanced out the window of the Shellraiser. It was still too bright out to travel safely to Casey’s apartment, with too many angry mindless mutants destroying everything in sight. You and Donnie had agreed to wait till the cover of night to head over there, in hopes that the new mutants would retain their usual sleep schedule.

“Damn. How long’ll this take?” You mumbled. It was six in the evening, but still bright as ever outside…

A pink thing slammed into the front camera, sending you falling back in shock.

Upon further inspection, it appeared to be a once-human that had been nearly swallowed by brainy, vein-covered tendrils. You choked back a gag.

Raph swallowed and clicked the camera off, looking greener than usual as the image faded.

“Ugh. Gross.” You whispered.

“So I’m assuming that things weren’t alway like this, right?” Raph said softly.

“Nope. You, my friend, would much prefer the Old World…” You paused, having a realization. “Shit. I bet that if this were a transcript, ‘Old World’ would be fucking capitalized.”

“So….there’s no way to undo whatever happened?”

“Nah. Dee’s run the numbers. The odds of the Earth bouncing back from this…are in the negatives.” You said, unable to summon anything other than an empty sigh.

“...What was your Earth like?” Raph asked, raising his brow ridge as he stared at you gently, as if you were some sorta fragile ceramic that could break at any minute.

Or as if you were a tearful human who’s world had just turned upside down.

You heaved a sigh, and sat down next to him on the floor.

“Well…there were trees yesterday. Green trees, not those crystal lookin’ things in Central Park that we saw this morning. And yesterday, this was New York, and it was full of people, not…those brain mutants and animal hybrids and…fuckin’ masses of organs suspended in jello. I dunno how far reaching the mutation bomb was, but Dee’s scanners have picked up on stuff as far as Florida to the south and Quebec to the north, and that’s not even counting the ones that went off on the West Coast and outside of America. Whatever it was that terraformed the Earth did a fucking good job.” You sighed, pulling your knees to your chest.

“So the old world really is the Old World.” Raph breathed.

“Yup. I…I don’t think we’ll ever get our homes back, Raphael.” You whispered.

Yesterday morning when you’d said something like that, Raph had pulled you into a wordless hug and you’d pressed your face into his chest and cried.

This evening as you sat on the floor crying, Raph stared at you sadly but kept his distance.

And you were reminded once again that you really were alone.

***

You: Casey we’re headed over

You: Read ya messages case

You: Dude seriously, are you guys okay?

Sent: 4hrs ago, unread

You: We’re here…

Sent: 1hr ago, unread

***

“Case’? Casey?” You yelled, wandering through his apartment. “April…”

“April! Casey!” Donnie yelled even louder than you. His face couldn’t emote, but his voice was high and desperate, and you were pretty sure they were twice as nervous as you were.

“He hasn’t replied to any messages since like three pm, and we’ve searched this dump for like an hour. I don’t think your friends are here, guys.” Raph sighed, crossing his arms.

“Shut up!” You and Donnie chorused, and Raph rolled his eyes.

“Fine, whatever! We’ll just stay here forever then I guess!” He snapped.

“Yeah well maybe we’re not being big babies, Raph! Don’t you care about finding Casey?!”

“I don’t know who the fuck Casey is!” Raph growled.

Donnie deflated. “...You’re right. I…I’m sorry, Raph. I forgot that you’re…y’know.”

“Brain damaged? Nice. Can’t fucking relate.” Raph grunted.

You exhaled through your nose. “Sorry Rafa. We’re just…we really wanted this lead…” Shit you were crying again.

“It’s just…I miss them so much. Casey and April mattered a lot to us, and to you, and we thought they’d….we thought they’d be here, but we’ve lost their signal and now I don’t fucking know what to do…” You whimpered, burying your face into your scarf.

Donnie tried to pat you on the shoulder but only succeeded in reaching to the small of your back.

“I miss them too. Well Raph…Casey and April…well, they mattered a ton to me and it just…is so scary to consider that they might…”

They didn’t finish the sentence, but you knew what they meant.

That they might be dead.

Raph stared at both of you with a grimace, seeming to pick up on the meaning too.

***

Day 15.

Raph stared at the photos a lot, not recognizing any of them.

Sometimes he woke up on the floor of the subway car that you, his supposed ‘best friend’, and Donnie, the robot who claimed to be his brother, had dubbed the ‘Shellraiser’. He’d sit there trying to remember where he was, only for him to slowly remember waking up in rubble to a wide pair of (E/C) eyes.

That was always what he remembered first.

Then he’d remember the smell of smoke and something he didn’t have a name for, and the feeling of someone hugging him close to their chest and whispering “It’s okay it’s okay-shit- Dee, he’s not waking up, he’s not- Oh my god Donnie, your- your plastron-”

He’d opened his eyes a crack to see humans mutating, screaming in horror, before someone shifted his head, and then all he could see was fabric.

Then he was on an unfamiliar couch with someone squeezing his hand. “Donnie…that’s a thing that’s possible?”

“No, but do I have any other option?!”

“...Shit Dee, you- you can’t die on me-”

“I won’t. I swear I won’t, (Y/N). If my theories are concrete, which they have an-” The voice paused to take a laboured breath. “-an 86.3% chance of being, then my consciousness will- shit that hurts- my consciousness will be uploaded into Metalhead…”

Raph didn’t remember how that conversation had ended, which he was very okay with.

Then after that the other things would begin to come back. Right. Right, he was Raphael, and these two people used to matter a lot to him in the Before Times, supposedly.

He didn't remember either of you, if he was honest. But if the notes on his Past Self’s photos were trustworthy, then you especially meant the world to him once.

He held up a photo of you in different, cleaner clothes. Your eyes were brighter, and you were grinning harder than you ever had now. The note on the back read ‘Reference photo 4 drawing (Y/N)’ in a messy script with a heart drawn next to it. Below it, in smudged print, it said ‘I feel creepy for staring at this for so long… Shit why did I write that down?’

He frowned and looked at another. This one was of a purple-ish pink turtle that gave the camera a wide smile, and the notation on the back said ‘Chompy I love you so fucking much but stop burning my paper please’

The next photo wasn’t a photo but a drawing. It was a rough sketch of a human hugging a baby turtle that was drawn in pink, with soft shading and a lot of smudges. The back of this one said ‘Shitty drawing of (Y/N) and Chompy. Felt bad throwing it away though for some reason, idk’

Raph wrinkled his snout. He disagreed with his Past Self, he thought the drawing looked kinda cute. Still, he’d respect Past Raph’s wishes and hide it away in the ‘Don’t Touch Box’.

He looked at the next picture. Venus again.

There were a lot of photos in the Don’t Touch Box of this ‘Venus De Milo’, and Raph hadn’t gotten any closer to an answer as to who she was. Heck, there were a few photos where she was completely crossed out with no further commentary. Not that it made much of a difference though, since the commentary that was there was ridiculously unhelpful. ‘Took another one of Sensei’s Venus photos. I wish he’d just let me burn all of them, but instead he just gave me this box and told me to hide them here instead of destroying all our childhood photos. Ugh. I hate them so much, obviously you know why, future me.’

No, I do not. Why are you so cryptic, Past Me?! Raph clicked in frustration, throwing the Venus photos back into the box.

“Lookin’ at Sensei’s old photos, Raph?” Said Donnie, making Raph jump back in surprise.

“Dammit, you’re awake?!”

“Yeah, just finished…charging.” Donnie sighed. “That still feels so weird to say.”

“Well, you’ve only been like this for…what, a week? Two?” Raph said dryly.

“...Yeah. I miss being…tall.” Donnie said softly. Raph got the vibe that they’d actually meant something else, but he didn’t feel like unpacking that right now.

“I miss you being tall.” Raph agreed. “Maybe that’s a good sign as far as memory stuff goes though.”

“...Hey, maybe it is, Raph! That’s actually really good!” Donnie said, their voice perking up while their face remained uncannily blank.

“...Cool.” Raph said. “...Hey, Donnie, who was Venus?”

Donnie jolted. “-Oh. Right. You found those pictures… I actually forgot about- well. Venus… You’re a transman, Raph, and Venus was your name back before you realized you were a boy.”

Raph frowned. “I’m a…what?”

“Well…when we were kids, Splinter named you Venus De Milo because you were physically a girl. Then when we were like thirteen or fourteen you told us that you actually were our brother, not our sister, so Sensei changed your name to Raphael.” Donnie said slowly.

Raph…did not like that information at all. “So…I’m not a boy?”

“No you are, it just took a bit of time for you to realize it.” Donnie shrugged.

“Good. I…do not like the name Venus.” Raph grunted.

“Yeah, when we were little you used to make us call you ‘Milo’ instead.” Donnie chuckled. “Splinter was so confused, but he just wanted you to be happy at the end of the day, really…”

Raph swallowed. “Uhh…Donatello, who’s…Splinter?”

Donnie’s neck sparked. “Right. Right right right…Raph, Splinter was our dad.”

“Oh.” He should know that. What kinda person didn’t even recognize their own father?!

Why couldn’t he remember the things that made Past Raph so happy?

Well he didn’t even remember that he was a fucking girl, so clearly he wasn’t the best judge-

“G’mornin’ guys” You yawned, leaning over the passenger’s seat where Raph had perched.

Raph shook his head clear and looked back at you. “Hi.”

“How’s the new body coming, Don?” You asked, stretching your arms.

“I’m almost done with the shell. I’ve made it segmented this time so that I can actually bend over, see?” They said, bending the large shell made of sewer plates.

“Oh. That’s really rad, Dee.” You said proudly.

“Yeah, I’m sick of being shorter than Raph.” He chuckled. “I can't wait to finish this model.”

“Wait, you’re making a new new body?” Raph frowned. “Did I know about that?”

“Yeah, I told you yesterday, you must have forgotten... S’okay though. Here’s the design, I made these blueprints months ago.”

“How come? What’s wrong with this robot?” Raph said, glancing over the taller, sleeker design sketch Donnie had handed him.

Donnie shrugged. “I guess…this is Metalhead’s body, not mine. And I want my body to feel like mine.” “Oh. Okay, fair enough I guess?” Raph shrugged, not sure how that made sense. Donnie was in the body, so that made it his right? Why’d they need a new one?

Whatever, Donnie could do what they wanted, he supposed.

“I think it looks great.” You smiled, though it didn’t reach your eyes the way it did in the Don’t Touch Box photos. “I love the purple LEDs.”

“Yeah, it looks nice.” Raph agreed. It really did; it was cleaner than Donnie’s current body, and seemingly more combat-effective if all the hidden blasters in the concept art were any clue. Plus it just looked cool as fuck.

“Thanks. It should be finished in a few weeks…in the meantime though, (Y/N), we should discuss plans.”

You nodded, following Donnie to the back of the Shellraiser.

“We should go on a supply run, we’re low on perishable food and water.” You said, writing ‘supply run’ on the whiteboard Donnie had set up in the back.

“Okay, noted. Do we have enough non-perishables?”

“Yeah. The drawers in the back are full of instant ramen and canned food.” You nodded.

“So just the usual things then…shelter. What’re we gonna do about shelter?”

“Yeah, I don’t really like it out here. Seems pretty sketchy.” Raph grunted, spinning around so that his plastron was pressed to the back of the chair and his head was rested on the top.

“I vote we go to the farmhouse. You’ve run your scans, and I think we just needa….you know, accept that everyone is…out of range of the scanners. We’re just sitting ducks in New York, Don.” You sighed.

Donnie clenched their fists. “I- I know, but like…what if they come back for us and we’re not here, (Y/N)? What if by leaving we forfeit our chances of finding Casey, April, Mikey, and Leo?”

“Well what if we do? Who cares?” Raph argued. “They either left or they’re dead, Donatello! We should leave too if we wanna not be dead!”

“Yeah well what do you know?! You don’t even know the extent of the damage!”

“Yeah I do. Explode-y bomb things from here to the other side of the planet. Earth getting terraformed in some twisted reflection of the world you knew before. Humans turning into horrifying brainless monsters, and humans that turn into horrified monstrous mutants, and humans like (Y/N) who survived with trauma and dead friends. And friends that lose their memories. Yadayada, all that shit.” Raph said through gritted teeth. “Plus, I saw you guys fighting off those mutants in the last supply run, you barely escaped with your fucking tail attached. Long story short, I vote we get outta here as soon as possible.”

You and Donnie looked at each other, blinking.

“I vote what he votes.” You supplied.

Donnie sighed. “You always did…fine. Fine, guys. You win. But can we please just stay for one more night?”

You shrugged. “Yeah, I think that seems fair. Raph?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Deal. We havta go on that supply run, anyways, so.”

“Cool cool. So…farmhouse then, Dee?” You said hesitantly, as if you were afraid of hurting Donnie.

Donnie just grunted. “I’m gonna go into sleep mode. You guys handle the supply run, I have to do some repairs from last time.”

“Well that wasn’t really an answer.” You said flatly as Donnie’s lights went out again.

“...No it was not.” Raph sighed.

***

“D’ya think I can pull off steel-toed boots?” You grinned, rapping your knuckles on the metal capped toes of a pair of leather combat boots.

“Well…it seems efficient, so yeah, why not.” Raph shrugged.

“Yeah, but would it look rad?” You pressed.

Raph nodded. “It would look badass.”

“Now that’s the answer I was lookin’ for.” You beamed, pulling on the boots.

“Do you think I’d look cool in that jacket?” Raph asked, reaching for an aviator jacket. It was useful, from a practical standpoint, with tons of pockets and the ability to hold in warmth, but he didn’t really want it if it didn’t make him look like the characters on the covers of the comics he’d managed to salvage.

“Raphael, you would look so cool in that jacket. You need it.” You nodded emphatically. “All we’d needa do is cut a hole for your shell.”

“...Oh yeah. Forgot about that part.” Raph sighed, wrinkling his snout in disdain. His shell was kinda inconvenient. But then again, it did function as a fantastic natural armor, so pros and cons. He tossed the jacket into the hijacked cart anyways.

You grabbed a tent from the shelf. “I think this’ll probably be useful down the line right?”

“Well…it’s free, so might as well.”

“Ooh, lookit this lifestraw!”

“What the hell is a lifestraw?”

“It filters water. Turns even the most contaminated junk into safely drinkable water. I’m surprised there’s even one left, this is gonna save our shells.”

“You don’t have a shell, (Y/N).”

“I’ve spent the past three years of my life surrounded almost entirely by people who do. Your jargon has worn off on me.”

“What the hell is jargon?”

“Your turtle-specific manner of speaking. Like swapping normal words for ‘shell’.”

“Shit, we did that?”

“Yeah. It was charming.”

***

“(Y/N), what’s ‘feminine hygiene’?” Raph frowned, peering down an aisle.

You glanced up, following his gaze. “Uh…y’know, girl stuff, don’t worry about it.”

“Donnie said I’m a ‘transman’, so maybe I should.” Raph mumbled, feeling ill at the thought.

You did a double take. “Wait what? Oh-kay, cool cool. Maybe you do need to worry about it.”

Raph grunted and crossed his arms. “I dunno why, but I get a very odd, very uncomfortable feeling when you say that.”

You swallowed, obvious nervousness in your eyes. “Well…that is fair. Raphael…allow me to remind you about the world of…feminine hygiene. Damn. I’m having to give my boyfriend- uh- my best friend- ‘the talk’, this feels weird!” You laughed. “Uh…so how do I put this. Once a month people with feminine body parts…bleed uncontrollably and you havta fix it with the stuff in this aisle! …Yayyyy!”

Raph suddenly got a very vivid memory of sitting on the couch of the lair with a hot pack on his plastron and an angry feeling in his head.

Shit, why was one of the few memories he had of the Old World one where he was bleeding in places he didn’t want to be?!

He groaned and facepalmed. “This is shit, you know that? My life is shit.”

“Periods ain’t fun.” You nodded. “I dunno if you turtles are affected the same way as humans though, so I could be totally wrong-”

“No, no, I remember now. It’s the same. Basically.” Raph said, blushing bright red and glaring at the ground. “Aaand I’m calling it on that conversation.” He finished.

You nodded. “I’ll allow it. Lemme know if you need any help figuring out what supplies you need-”

“-nO I’m good!” Raph exclaimed. “How about you just get- get some other supplies right now?!” He grinned, trying to mask the discomfort that rose the longer he stood in this stupid aisle.

You nodded. “Whatever makes you feel comfortable. I’ll be in the next aisle over, the first aid section, ‘kay?”

“Great.” Raph replied.

It was only after you’d left that he noticed that you’d called him your ‘boyfriend’ for a second there.

Well. Well that was an interesting development.

Raph hated not having his memories. He was 99% positive that Past Raph would know exactly what you meant by that, but presently? Raph was just so, so confused.

Maybe he had been your boyfriend in the Old World. If the photos counted for anything, Past Raph had probably liked you at some point- you showed up more often than anyone else, both in the photos and in his sketchbook. And he hadn’t even finished digging through them yet.

And now instead of having good ol’ Past Raph to comfort you, you got this Raph. The Raph who had forgotten his own name a few days ago, the Raph who didn’t really know what to do when you cried, the Raph who was so sick of not knowing…

Heck, he was pretty sure you had been avoiding touching him, which felt just as weird as being taller than Donnie. Even in the photos, you always seemed to have an arm around him or a hand in his, but now you were careful not to stray within a few feet of him. As if he was some kinda ticking time bomb.

Then again, he kinda was, huh? The last time you’d come near him, he’d tried to stab you in a panic. Maybe you were right to steer clear of him, though the thought of that just made him sad for some reason.

He paused and blinked at a mirror that sat at the end of the aisle.

Huh. That really was what he looked like, all green skin and torn mask tails and neon eyes.

He looked tired.

“Hey Rafa, lookit what I found!” You yelled, and Raph tore himself away from his reflection, dropping his armful of…feminine hygiene products into the cart before following your voice to the paint section.

“Look dude! Spray paint!” You grinned, bouncing on your feet.

Raph stared at you blankly, trying to understand your excitement. “Uh…did we…uhm…”

An image flashed through his head of holding a can of spray paint and stepping back to look at a mural.

“...OH! Oh right! I used to like spray painting!” He exclaimed, pleased at the memory. “(Y/N) I remember it!”

Your eyes widened. “You remember?! Oh Raph this is huge!”

“...What d’ya say to painting a final mural before we leave the city, for….I dunno, old time’s sake?” Raph said with a hesitant smile.

“Hell yeah!” You beamed, grabbing as many colors of spray paint as you could and dropping them into the cart. “Dee is in sleep mode so he can’t even stop us!”

“Yes, I can.”

You fell back and dropped your phone. Raph’s fists flew into a fighting stance, observing the phone nervously.

“Sorry ‘bout the scare guys.” Donnie’s voice chuckled, not sounding even slightly sorry. “I just discovered that I can access you through your phones! I’ll be back in sleep mode soon, I just thought that was a perfect time to test the audio feature.”

“Wait, you can hear our conversations?” You frowned.

“Uh….surprise?” Donnie said sheepishly. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t plan on stopping you from spray painting. It actually seems like it could both help Raph’s memory since it’s so familiar, as well as being just…a nice gesture. My one suggestion is that you add some way for Leo, Mikey, Casey, and April to find us, like a coded key to our whereabouts.”

“Oh. That’s smart.” You said. “But can we get back to how you’ve been eavesdropping this whole time Donald?!”

“Lalala, going into sleep mode, can’t hear you, lalala…” Donnie said, ever the terrible liar, and disconnected a second later.

“That little shit.” You said fondly. “If you’re still listening, I love you, Don, but you’re a total jerk.”

Raph shook his head, feeling the beginnings of a smile on his face. “If you’re still listening, then quit listening, Donatello.”

But no reply came from the phone, so you shrugged. “Guess he actually is back in sleep mode. C’mon, let’s paint a mural.”

***

Raph glared at the wall.

The spray paint had gathered into a messy blob of color that did not look like a mural.

The paint bottle felt natural in his hand, yeah, and his lines were steady, but they weren’t coming out right. He scowled and tried to cover the blob with a cloud of red, but then it didn’t look like a cloud, it just looked like blood.

“AUGUHH!” He yelled in frustration, kicking the wall. He jumped back to hold his foot, which was now throbbing in pain. Shit, why was that his instinct?!

“You good Raph?” You said, looking over from your side of the wall. Your mural looked nice, with a painting of two turtles, a skeleton, and a red haired girl with eyes that seemed to glow. They were all outlined in thick black and colored in vibrant shades, which made them pop against the gray wall.

“Fine…” He grumbled, rubbing his foot. “I just- I can’t draw or something.”

You followed his glare toward his bloody smear of a painting.

“Oh…did you…”

“Forget? Yeah. I fucking forgot how to draw.” He said with a humorless laugh.

“Do you…want a crash course? We’ve still got an hour or so before we have to head out…” You offered.

He shook his head. “No…we don’t have time. …Did you add the message?”

You nodded, still staring at him sympathetically. “I wrote ‘guys, find us in the healing place- Red, Purple, and (L/N)’. They’ll know what I mean.”

“The ‘healing place’?” Raph repeated.

“The farmhouse.” You elaborated. “We went there back when the kraang invaded three years ago. Leo was in a coma for like three months, and y’know…healed. And I think we all kinda healed too. You were kinda the team leader for a bit there…” You trailed off, eyes glazing over as if you were reminiscing about something Raph undoubtedly wouldn’t understand. You shook your head clear. “...but you know, I think they’ll get it. More importantly, I don’t think anyone else will, so we can’t be followed. Not that we have any reason to be followed, I’m just paranoid.”

“Aren’t we like…ninjas with like a million enemies or whatever?”

You snorted. “Kinda, yeah.”

“...So the idea that we might be followed doesn’t seem that outlandish, right?” Raph ventured.

“Hm. Thanks for justifying my paranoia, Raphael!” You exclaimed, not looking any happier.

“...Uh…I’m gonna say you’re welcome, but I get the funny feeling that you don’t actually mean that, huh?” He said sheepishly,

“No, I…I dunno.” You said with a humorless laugh. “I’m being weird.”

“It’s literally the end of your world. You should be acting weird, right?” Raph snorted.

You smiled half-heartedly. “Ya think?”

“Donnie’s acting weird, I’m acting weird. You can act weird too.” He said matter-of-factly.

You sighed. “But that’s just the thing. Donnie lost their body. You lost your past. What the hell did I lose? …You know, aside from my friends…and family…and my old life…but you guys lost that too!”

“I really didn’t. You can’t miss what you don't remember, right?” Raph said with a hollow laugh. “I have no Old World. No old connections. The world we’re in now is basically all I’ve ever known, so if anything, I’ve lost…the least.”

You stared at him, a discomforting sense of horror in your eyes. You raised your hands as if to set them on his shoulders, but then lowered them instead.

“Raph…Fuck. No! You’ve lost everything! Like, way more than I have! At least I still have good memories to go back to, o-of you, of Chompy, of Leo and Casey and Mikey and April…of Mona, Raph, I still have memories of Mona, and you don’t even have that…” You wiped your eyes with your scarf and shook your head. “Shit, man. We’re all going through hell, I shouldn’t bother comparing it.”

“Yeah….yeah. That’s a good way of lookin’ at it.” Raph sighed.

“...Who's Mona?” He asked lightly, after a beat of silence.

You smiled slightly. “Mona Lisa? She’s this really awesome Salamandrian who we met in space.”

“We went to space?!” Raph said, eyes widening.

“Yup. It was very convoluted… Anyways, we both had this ridiculous crush on her…she was so cool. She could beat us at fighting easily, but she also was so sweet…ahhh, what a woman.” You said, perking up a bit more. “Anyways, at least she’s safe…She’s in space.”

“What else have you guys not told me about my life?!” Raph exclaimed.

“I promise I’ll tell you everything once life has calmed down a bit, but there is some stuff that I genuinely believe is too much for you right now.” You shrugged.

“Well it’s my memories, so I don’t think that’s for you to decide.” Raph frowned.

You opened your mouth, glaring at him, before deflating. “...I…you’re right. It is your memories, Raph. You do deserve the truth. But the truth isn’t always easy or fun or any of that so can we make a compromise?”

He gestured for you to go ahead.

You squeezed your hands. “I’ll tell you what you need to know, and if you figure stuff out on your own- which is highly likely- I’ll give ya more details. Deal?” You held out your hand.

Raph sighed. This was probably the best he was gonna get from you.

…Also…what was with the hand?

Raph frowned, staring at your hand, and took it awkwardly. “Deal?”

You blinked.

He blinked.

“Raph why are you still holding my hand?” You coughed.

“Oh, was I supposed to-”

“-Let go, yeah, this is a handshake.”

“-Weird. You guys are weird.”

“You still haven’t let go?” You said, but you were smiling.

Would it be weird if he said he kinda didn’t wanna? Holding your hand felt nice…

“Uh- right.” He grunted, wrenching his hand out of yours.

***

Day 16.

“Well, I think we’re all set to go upstate.” Donnie said as he finished checking over the items Raph and you had taken.

“Cool.” You said softly.

You’d talked about going upstate for the past two weeks, but as Donnie closed the power-cell powered freezer box, it finally hit you that you were leaving.

Like leaving leaving.

It wasn’t like there was much of a choice. New York was dangerous, more now than before. You and Raph had even wound up in a mild tussle as you made your way back to the Shellraiser last night.

There were too many scared humans and animals that had gained sentience and horrifying mindless creatures that looked like body-horror inspired abominations to go anywhere without a fight. And frankly, none of you wanted to deal with that.

And it didn’t help that Donnie’s sensors weren’t picking up on any habitable land in the general radius. You were sure he wasn’t telling you everything, but he had mumbled something about the soil being full of toxic chemicals and unable to maintain life among…other things.

Essentially, New York City was dying. But maybe if you were all lucky, the farmhouse would be habitable.

By which you meant…with good soil. It’d be really really nice if you guys could just…plant seeds for food and hang out there for the rest of eternity. Nice, but unlikely, if you were realistic. Still. It was a spot of hope.

Raphael stared at you mournfully as you and Donnie finished preparing the Shellraiser. He did that a lot now, and it always stung about the same- he wanted to remember you, but to him, you were a stranger.

You hated feeling like a stranger around the person who’d been closer to you than anyone ever back in the Before Times.

Not that you’d told him much. You thought there was kinda a power imbalance now, since you knew so much about Raph and he now knew so little about you. He was vulnerable, and you, being one of the ones who had saved him, had a bit more sway over him than you felt comfortable with.

He was catching onto you though, you could see that. He’d understandably demanded answers last night, and although you’d agreed to his terms, you were dreading it. Because how could you tell him that he had been your boyfriend if he didn’t even know who you were? Worse, would he feel like he had to immediately go back to that just to make you feel better?

You’d described your relationship to him as ‘best friend’, which was more accurate, honestly, considering both you and Raph had been a bit odd around romance, but still. It would probably be more to take in than he could handle right now…

“So. We ready to get this tin can on the road?” You said finally, leaning over Donnie’s shoulder as they stepped away from the newly pumped tires.

“...I believe so.” Donnie said proudly, patting the side of the car.

And with that, you gave New York City one final good-bye.

“Seeya, New York…you were one hell of a town to live in. We….had a lotta fun here.” You said, leaning against the Shellraiser to stare at the cityscape.

“Goodbye pigeons and manholes and starless skies. I-I’ll miss you.” Donnie said fondly, leaning next to you.

“And I’ll miss pizza gyoza, my fire escape- heck, I’ll even miss Shredder’s lair and TCRI.” You grinned.

“What a town.” Donnie said, nodding.

"Hey guys, this is real sweet, but it’s getting dark.” Raph grunted, poking his head out the door. “Let’s get this freakshow on the road.”

“...Okay.” You said with a rueful smile.

“...Yeah, we’re coming.” Donnie sighed, and the two of you headed into the Shellraiser.

***

By the time the sun had set, you had left the city.

Raph sat in the passenger seat, eating dry pasta like a heathen, and Donnie sat in the roof hatch running his scanners. You weren’t exactly expecting that he’d find anything positive though.

As you silently drove up the road, you took note of a few things- first off, there were trees out here, at least. Dead trees, but still trees rather than alien shapes that had loomed over you in New York, which was some relief.

Secondly…there was no sign of life. The only noise you had heard since leaving New York was the quiet hum of the Shellraiser’s engine, punctuated by Raphael’s crunching on his fucking dry pasta. (Seriously, that stuff could not be good for his digestive system…)

Thirdly…your hopes of finding an oasis in all of this were running as dry as the land around you.

New York was dead, and Earth wasn’t following too far behind it.

Donnie clambored back down from the top lookout with a heavy sigh.

“So Doc, what’s the diagnosis?” You said dryly, no bothering to turn around. “Lemme guess- we’re doomed?”

“Well, my sensors have picked up nothing but toxic chemicals and mutagen. There's no living organic plant forms for miles. I’m not picking up on the signatures of Casey, April, Leo, Mikey, Karai, the Mutanimals, or the (L/N)s. I don’t think the Earth will ever heal from this, and our tech has been basically thrown back to the dark ages.” He paused to heave an even more dramatic sigh, before saying “So does that answer your question?” cheerfully.

You whistled. “Ouch. So we are doomed.”

Raph crunched on his pasta and glanced up. “Great. That’s….real great.”

“Raph, are you eating straight up uncooked tortellini?!” Donnie said, gagging.

Raph smirked and crunched louder, and you cringed at the sound.

“Ugh, must you do that?”

“It tastes good.” He said innocently.

“Well don’t come to me for help when you get a stomachache.” Donnie said, disgusted.

You snorted, and refocused on the road as Donnie continued to complain about Raph’s apoca-licious eating habits.

Because hey. Maybe you were just headed towards certain doom upstate. Maybe Raph would never remember the past. Maybe the fucking planet was mutated beyond recognition…But hey.

At least you were with your best friends.

Heck, if you ignored the metallic tremor in Donnie’s voice and made Raph’s ever so slightly gentler, you could pretend that this was just another peaceful road trip. Just another night of smiling at Dee and Rafa’s antics, of choosing to unsubtly egg them on, of talking till morning with Raph about shit like life and the future and insecurities, comforting each other in that sweet way the two of you always had.

Yeah, yeah. You’d pretend it was a night like that.

And for a bit, you’re nearly convinced that when you woke up tomorrow, everything would be alright.

***

Day 17.

Everything was not entirely alright.

The farmhouse was devoid of people, and was shrouded in suspiciously pink clouds that hung lower than clouds usually did. Donnie scanned the air though and only got the usual amount of toxic chemicals, so you guys reluctantly decided it was safe.

“Woah, looks like this place already got picked clean.” You winced, glancing around the main room. It was mostly empty- everything from the furniture to the photos on the wall had been taken.

The stairs however, had caved in, but with the help of your grappling hook, you made your way to the top without too much effort.

The top of the house, by comparison, was full of the homey clutter that you had grown to expect from the healing place. Just being there, surrounded by everyone’s old things and the memories around them, made you breathe a sigh of relief.

“Anything up there?” Donnie said from the ground level.

You smiled, breathing in the air of the place you’d briefly called home. “Everything, Don. Case’s spare eyeliner pens, Leo’s matcha powder, Raph’s forgotten sketchbooks and acrylics…everything.”

With a bit of effort due to Metalhead’s heavy clunky body, Donnie managed to heave themself upstairs too.

“Woah. Weird being back here.” He said, and you got the impression that he’d be smiling if they could.

“How’re ya doin’ down there, Raph?” You said, leaning over the stair rail to see him staring into the living room.

“I…we watched a dumb cartoon there, right? Uh…Chris Bradford the…Barbarian?” He breathed, as if speaking any louder would shatter his ability to remember.

You and Donnie glanced at each other, swapping a pair of grins. Well, metaphorically, in Dee’s case.

“Yeah. Crognard the Barbarian…” You smiled. “But we did watch another show about Chris Bradford!”

“Awesome, Raph!” Donnie said, pumping their fist.

“...Cool.” He said softly, putting his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “So…this is the safehouse, then?”

“Well, ‘safe’ is a strong word…there’s a heck of a lot of danger we got into here last time.” You said, sliding down the stair banister.

“Out here in the middle of nowhere?” Raph snorted, turning towards you. “How the hell was this dangerous?”

“You got mutated into a plant once,” Donnie supplied.

“Ooh, Bigfoot tried to marry Don,” You grinned.

“Who’s bigfoot?”

“This forest cryptid who had a crush on Donnie.” You said with a chuckle.

“(Y/N), please know that I would be rolling my eyes at you right now if I still had them.” Donnie sighed.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” You said, giving them a mock-salute.

Raph entered the dining room. “Did anything terrifying happen here?” He said curiously.

“Hm…Oh yeah. We fought off mutant frogs.” You said, nodding at the memory. “They were all named after conquerors and they hated humans. …One of them talked like Napoleon Dynamite….not that you’d know that reference…”

“Ha, what?” Raph chuckled. “Our lives sound weird. What other things did we do?”

“Oh they very much were.” You nodded. “Let’s see…what other shit did we do? Uhm…there was this one time when you got your brain swapped with a kraang, that one was weird.”

“What exactly is a kraang? You’ve mentioned them before, but…”

“Oh, right. A kraang looks like- well, here.” You pulled up a photo of a snarling kraang that you’d taken a selfie with. “Voila.”

“Eww.” Raph cringed. “Why is it like…all goopy and gross?”

“Evolution, I guess.” You said, wrinkling your nose. “Gnarly, right?”

“So you’re tellin’ me I got my brain swapped with that thing?!” Raph said incredulously.

“Yup. It was pretty freaky seeing your body completely…not-like-you, but hey, we figured it out.” You chuckled.

“Hey Raph, you might wanna see this!” Donnie said, yelling over the stair rail.

“Uh, okay…” Raph frowned, heading towards the rope you’d hung over the caved-in stairwell. You followed after him.

“See, lookit this-”

“Hey, this- this is my room!” Raph exclaimed, shoving past Donnie and into the room. “I- I remember this place! I remember sitting there,” He said, pointing at the bed, “And coming this way-” He spun out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom- “And-....oh.” He frowned, opening the bathroom door. “I…I get the weird feeling that somethin’....happened here, huh?” He said softly.

You winced, reaching to put a hand on his shoulder, before thinking better of it. “Yeah. This is where Leo…was in his coma.”

“...You sat with him every day, Raph, ‘till he healed.” Donnie said gently.

Raph nodded. “Ha. I…ah…don’t remember that.”

“Well, you did remember your room, and a piece of your old daily routine, so I’d say this is a win! Robo-high-three!” Donnie said cheerfully, holding up their hand.

Raph wrinkled his snout “Uh…okay…” He held up his own hand, mirroring theirs, staring at them with an awkward shrug. “Hello, three? Uh…satisfied?”

Donnie lowered his hand. “...I shoulda seen that one coming.”

Raph rolled his eyes, shoving his hand back into his pocket. “Whatever, Don. What was it you called me up here for, anyways?”

“Your old sketchbook! I know you have the one from the lair, but this one is full of all the stuff you did here!” Donnie said excitedly, handing Raph the book.

Raph shrugged and accepted it, flipping through the pages. “Woah. These are pretty nice.” He said, starting to smile a bit.

“Ooh, can I see?” You asked hopefully.

“Sure.” Raph nodded, angling the book so you could see the art too.

This page was full of the planning-stage-sketches for what you recognized to be the painting he’d done on the party van.

“Oh dude, these rock.” You grinned.

“Yeah…I just hope I’ll be able to…y’know.” He clenched his hand, giving it a sad stare. “Do them again someday.”

***

Day 20.

“Well ladies and gentlefolk, turtles and others, I have gathered you all here today to present…The Donbot V.1!” Said Donnie, staring into the mirror.

It was a pretty nice design, if they did say so themself. It was taller than Metalhead’s model had been, standing at his usual height of 5 '6-to-5' 8-ish, and was made of a dark green steel he had salvaged back in the city. In a burst of inspiration, they had added purple accent lights.

For the first time in days, they didn’t feel so wrong about looking into the mirror. The face that stared back at him wasn’t his, really, but it was…closer. The blank face felt somehow more comfortable than Metalhead’s imitation-turtle one.

They shook their head, chuckling to themself slightly. If only he were presenting his invention to a crowd of scientifically minded peers instead of to his friend and his brother. Then he might prepare something flashy and exciting, presentation-wise.

But alas, it was the end of the world.

So instead, he simply glanced at themself one more time before leaving the bathroom, revealing his new body without any fanfare.

You patted his shell and said they looked ‘rad as hell’. Raph shot him a wary look, but it went away fast, and soon enough Raph was congratulating him too- albeit, with a bit of mild confusion.

Ironically, the brother that would have once understood better than anyone what it feels like to be in a body you don’t want….just happened to be the brother who had recently forgotten that he usually had dysphoria.

Donnie supposed that in a post apocalyptic world where gender was so irrelevant that Raph hadn’t even realized he was trans, it wouldn’t even occur to Raph to be dysphoric. (Hm. Maybe the end of the world had its good sides!)

But secretly, selfishly, a twisted part of Donnie wished that Raph was still in the state of mind to relate to them. It was unfair, and a cruel thing to wish on his brother. Logically, Donnie knew that. But maybe a part of them wanted to just…feel a little bit more understood. Less like an alien.

It wasn’t like he didn’t notice the way you and Raph flinched when he entered the room, looking at them like he was some- some thing. Some freak. Maybe a cruel voice in the pits of his now-wire-filled stomach whispered things about how much he wished Raph remembered how it felt, how much a part of him wished you had been mutated in the explosion so someone, anyone would understand the soul-crushing loneliness of not being in the right body-

Shit. That was dark. Maybe he was losing more of his humanity than he’d initially theorized-

Donnie swallowed their thoughts and opened the fridge, only to close it again upon remembering that he was physically incapable of eating,

***

Day 21.

“AAAAUGHH!” Raph screamed, dropping to his knees on the dead grass. He threw his arms around his stomach- something in his guts felt like something had crawled in there and died and oh shit was this that girl thing?

“Raph! Are you okay?!” Said Donnie, dropping his bo staff and rushing over.

“Ow- ow- shit- Donatello, I-I gotta take a -oh- a -ow- a break from practicin’.” Raph grunted, using Donnie’s arm to pull himself up.

Time to go fucking deal with this now, he supposed. Just what his stupid life needed right now.

***

Day 24.

“AAAAIIIEEE!” Raph screeched, chucking the stupid fucking salad prongs across the room.

“Raph! Dude!” You snapped. “Look, I know you’re frustrated but ya can’t expect to get it right the first time!”

“Well it’s NOT my first time using sais, is it? Aren’t I supposed to have some kinda muscle memory or whatever?!” He snapped back.

“Raph, bud, bear with me- you lost your memory, hon’.” You sighed. “You gotta be patient with yourself.”

“Maybe my self needs to hurry up already.” Raph said, crossing his arms.

See, it would be one thing if he’d entirely forgotten how to use his sais. But the thing was- he did remember. He remembered the feeling of their leather, he remembered spinning them and smirking at himself in the bathroom mirror, he remembered holding them in his fists and destroying things and how satisfying it was- but he couldn’t do those things anymore.

It was just as fucking pointless to try as drawing had been.

Shit, there were tears in his eyes.

“You okay, Rafa?” You said gently, doing that annoying thing you did where you reached for him. He always let himself hope that you would actually follow through with it this time…he wasn’t sure why, exactly, but it always felt like a stab to his metaphorical heart everytime you lowered your hand instead of patting him on the shoulder or squeezing his hand or giving him a hug or anything oh good lord he’d take anything- You lowered your hand again, and yet again he felt something shatter in his chest. (Why did he still bother to hope? He’d just thrown his sais in anger. Of course you were nervous around him.)

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever, (Y/N). I’m fine.”

“...Okay…well…I’m here to talk if you need me, y’know?” You said, smiling softly.

“I don’t wanna talk.” He grumbled. I want a hug, I want warmth, I want someone to say everything is gonna be okay-

You nodded, staring at him sadly. “...Okay.”

You left the makeshift dojo, leaving him alone with the blank walls of what had once been a living room.

Raph wiped his eyes and glared at your retreating figure, half-aware that his anger was misplaced. It wasn’t like you’d done anything other than be understanding and supportive…but still.

***

Day 25.

“BACK OFF!” Raph yelled, glaring at the robot.

“Raph, it’s okay, it’s me, your brother! Donatello!”

Raph had brothers?

…No, that didn’t sound right- this robot was probably here to hurt him- a vague memory of fighting a similar robot flashed through his mind, reaffirming his certainty that this thing was bad and dangerous and wanted to hurt him-

He bit back a whimper as the robot got closer, instead snarling as viciously as he could. “Get away from me ya fucking toaster.”

The robot stepped back.

Huh. The…robot stepped back…?

The robot in his memory shifted into a turtle with a worried look on his face and a gap in their teeth and a purple mask.

Donatello.

Oh…right. This was Donatello. His brother. He was at the farmhouse with you and Donatello….Donatello who was a robot now.

“Shit.” Raph mumbled, staring at the robot that was Donatello. “I…I did it again, huh?”

“RAPH! DEE! Jeez, are you guys okay?! I heard yellin’ and-'' You said, slamming the door open. The kitchen door. Raph was in the kitchen. The farmhouse kitchen.

“Just…another incident. Don’t worry about it.” Raph muttered sullenly, wiping the spit off his mouth that he must’ve gotten from all the animalistic hissing.

“Ah.” You said. “Are you both…okay then?”

Donnie nodded wordlessly, ducking out of the room with his head down and shoulders slumped.

Raph scowled, hugging his knees to his chest. “Same as I usually am, I guess.”

“So…not great?” You frowned.

“Not great.” He confirmed.

“Ah.” You leaned forwards hesitantly, hand outstretched.

This time Raph didn’t even flinch when you inevitably lowered it and followed Donatello out of the room. He just shoved his face into his kneepads and tried really hard not to cry.

***

Donnie slipped outside, staring out at the wasteland that used to be a forest.

Raph had forgotten him again.

Honestly, they didn’t know why it hurt so much. It wasn’t the first or even the second or third time Raph had forgotten him…but Raph went into the feral mode around Donnie way more than he did around you.

And logically, Donnie knew exactly why that was. You looked the same as you always did, albeit more battered and less smiley, while he, Donnie, looked entirely different. He was entirely different.

His sensors picked you up behind him on the porch.

“Hey.” They said glumly.

“Hey Dee.” You said, sitting on the porch steps next to him.

“I don’t think the world will ever heal again, (Y/N).” Donnie said softly.

Your eyes grew glossy (although maybe they already had been), and you looked away from them. “...I know.”

“I miss everyone so much.” He whispered.

“Me too.”

“Casey and I first became friends in that barn…April kissed me by the stump…” He said, trailing off. He put a hand on his face, remembering where Casey had first kissed him. That had also been at the farmhouse…

God, they missed Casey and April.

You nodded. “Me and Raph once buried a dead turtle over there…it used to be the prettiest part of the yard.” You said bitterly, pointing towards the spot where the pond had been just a month ago. Now it was reduced to another patch of dry, dying grass.

“So it was a turtle? I thought you guys killed someone.” Donnie said, only half joking- They remembered vaguely how he’d walked in on Leo lecturing a guilty-looking you and Raph on ‘honorability’ one morning. They’d glanced outside to see a suspicious grave outside that hadn’t been there the night before, and put two and two together…nice to know that it was just an unmutated turtle.

“Yeah…Raph thought it was like, a blow to his masculinity or something to tell you guys that he cared about animals.” You said with a snort.

“Well that’s stupid, we all know he loved animals. He was like a Disney princess around them.” Donnie said, shaking their head.

“Yeah…very true.” You smiled.

“What do you plan on doing about your whole….thing with Raph, anyways?” They said, changing the subject in hopes of distracting their thoughts from existential dread.

You sighed, running a hand down your face. “Fuck, man. I don’t know. Like…I love him so much, but it’s not fair for me to right now. He’s vulnerable and scared and doesn’t even know who we are half the time…how can I put the pressure of a relationship, or even the implications of a past relationship, on him right now? That’s just…so unfair. Plus, we’re the only people he has right now. What if he thinks not liking me will mean us…like, kicking him out or something fucked up like that? What if he tries to force himself to feel the same just out of guilt? What if-”

“Well first off, overthinking things? That’s my job, stay outta my turf.” Donnie teased. You smiled slightly. “Secondly- who says you have to tell him? Because you really don’t.”

“Well, he’s not dumb, Don- he’s figured out that I’m hiding something.” You said dryly.

“Are you though? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve been fairly honest about things- he’s your best friend. He always was. Just say ‘yeah we were like close or something’, you know? It’s not like you guys ever kissed or anything, at least not much, so it’s not much of a stretch.” Donnie suggested.

You nodded. “Yeah…I guess you’re right…who knew you were so good with relationship advice?”

“Nah, I just know you and Raph pretty well.” He chuckled.

You smiled, putting an arm around his shoulders in a side hug. “Thanks Don.”

“Hey, thanks for distracting me from my existential dread.” They snorted, hugging you back.

***

Day 35.

“What if I can’t feel feelings?” Said Donnie, lying awake next to you.

“Hnnghh…Go to sleep Donnie.” You grunted, pulling your blanket tighter around your shoulders. It may have been more secure and safe to have all three of you stationed in the Shellraiser rather than the house, but man, between Raph’s snoring and Donnie’s shitty sleep schedule that you knew full well he had programmed himself to have, it certainly made sleeping hard.

“But what if this is all a dream! What if I died and this is a severely messed up dream I’m having in my last few minutes of life?”

“Shut up Donatello.” Raph groaned, trying to muffle Don’s voice with a blanket.

“What if I'm in a coma and I’m dreaming this and the Earth is actually fine?”

“Go to sleep, broooo…” You moaned, covering your ears with a pillow.

“I don’t usually go into sleep mode for another…mmm…two hours.” Donnie said. “Damn…sleep mode! (Y/N), I’m not a person anymore, am I?!”

“Donatello. Buddy. Pal. I love you dearly. You are a beautiful, fantastic, brilliant person. Let me fucking sleep.” You hissed.

“...Mmm…Okay. G’night.” There was a click, and Don-bot powered down.

“Oh thank god.” Raph grunted, shoving his face into his pillow.

He proceeded to snore incredibly loudly.

You groaned.

***

You blinked your eye open at the sudden silence.

Raph had somehow wound up with his arms tightly wrapped around your arm in his sleep. He was shivering, which made sense considering the cold.

You were tempted to pry him off so that he wouldn’t be awkward or uncomfortable when he woke up. But he looked so peaceful, and you missed this…

Plus you were too tired to do anything. So maybe you’d let him stay…

You’d pry him off before morning though.

***

Day 37.

Raph was pretty sure that Past Raph had had the hots for you. He’d finished reading through his old sketchbook, and it was full of little paragraphs in the margins and crossed out text where he could just barely make out the word ‘(Y/N)’.

He supposed it made sense. He may not have remembered too much of his life, but he had a decent recollection of what pretty people looked like- and you definitely fit that category. Plus, you were funny and cool and sweet….not that it mattered much nowadays.

After all, Past Raph and Current Raph’s circumstances were vastly different. So maybe a part of him was tempted to bug you for more info…but he knew enough to just let it be.

That was the Old World.

In the New World, trivial things like relationship status mattered very little.

(Still, was it really asking so much to have someone who’d hug him? Was he so wrong to wish for a hand on the shoulder once or twice, the way you always were in those goddamned photos?)

(Meh, probably.)

He hugged himself, staring up at the ceiling.

“Oh hey, you’re awake!” You grinned, poking your head into the Shellraiser. “Mornin’ Sleeping Beauty! Breakfast is inside if you want it.”

Raph sat up slowly. “Okay…”

“How’re you doing?” You said as you led him across the yard. It was still cold and dark out, and Raph shivered.

“...Tired.” He grunted.

“Understandable.” You nodded. “I’ve been pretty tired too, but it’s so hard to sleep when it’s so freakin’ cold at night and like, a million degrees the instant the sun rises.” You complained, passing him a plate of eggs from the remaining unmutated chickens.

“Says you, the one who's warm-blooded.” Raph teased.

“Oh shit, you must be so cold at night!” You said, seeming to have just remembered that Raph was a reptile.

“Freezing.” Raph nodded.

“Maybe Don can build a heat lamp!” You suggested. “They’re still in sleep mode right now, but we can ask when he wakes up.”

Raph perked up. “Wait, that exists?”

“Yeah, shit- I can’t believe I didn’t think of that like…forever ago. I guess I forgot that you’re cold-blooded…and now that Donnie is…non-blooded, it must’ve slipped their mind too…I’m so sorry Rafa!” You exclaimed.

“Wait. So this WHOLE TIME I could’ve NOT frozen my tail off every night?!” Raph groaned.

You shrugged weakly. “...Yup.

“This is so stupid.” He sighed, stabbing his eggs with one of his sais.

“Dude…you're using that as a fork?” You cringed.

Raph scowled. “Well it’s not like I know how to use it as a weapon anymore.”

“But…but…Raph you have stabbed through people with those! There is no way that that’s even slightly sanitary!” You squeaked.

He shrugged and ate his breakfast off the end of the sai.

You looked ill. “You are… such a teenage boy. Please stop.”

He sighed but swapped the sai for a fork. “Okay, okay. Jeez.”

“Thank you.” You groaned, patting his shoulder unconsciously.

And suddenly it felt like his brain had short circuited.

Oh god, he remembered you.

How could he have ever forgotten you?! All the memories shot into his brain at record speed- sitting on a fire escape with your arm around his shoulders, spray painting the side of TCRI, making fun of Casey and Donnie’s crushes on April, beating up bad guys, the look on your face- that toothy grin that you never ever wore theses days, a familiar hand resting comfortingly on his shoulder- and oh god, he remembered you!

“I- I…(F/C)!” He gasped. You jerked your hand away guiltily, but he caught it before you could. “(Y/N). Your favorite color is (F/C)!”

“W-what?” You said, eyes wide.

“(Y/N) I remember! I-I remember you! Not everything probably, but- but I remember you!” He exclaimed, gripping your hands in his.

Your eyes widened even further. “Raph, you- what?!”

He grinned and hugged you to his chest as tightly as he could. Tentatively, you relaxed into it, rubbing his shell gently.

“I remember you!” He exclaimed.

You nodded, still looking baffled. “Like…what?”

“I remember how we met- I fell onto your fire escape! A-and I remember eating breakfast here with you and talking about…well, something, probably, but it was definitely here at this table! And I remember…I had this pet turtle, right? I think his name was…Slash? No! Spike! Slash was the mutant…? Whatever! I remember you sitting….uh…there, by that broken window, and I drew this picture!” He grinned, holding up a page in his sketchbook. It was a portrait of you, with soft shading and a bold outline.

“Woah, Raph?! You just- remember all this?!” You said, still staring in disbelief.

“Bits and pieces, yeah- I think it was ‘cause you…you know, touched me. It’s like…muscle memory? I dunno. Might hafta ask Donnie…”

“Raph!” You grinned, hugging him tightly. “I just- wow! This is so cool, I-”

“Woah, are we interrupting somethin’?” Said a familiar voice.

You and Raph jolted into defensive positions, hopping up to face the person-

And then your brain seemed to short-circuit.

“Casey?” You squeaked. “CASEY!”

“(Y/N)! RAPH! Dude I can’t believe we finally found you!” Casey shrieked just as loud, diving in to grab you and Raph in a messy group hug.

You grinned, hugging your friends close. “Casey Jones, I’m so glad you’re okay- fuck man, I thought you must’ve gotten kraang-ifed…”

Raph pulled away, staring at Casey. “You’re…the skeleton dude- Casey Jones?”

“Uh, no duh- who else would I be?! Casey Jones is in the flesh babeeyy!” He grinned, pumping his fist.

“Raph…uh…hit his head in the mutagen bomb, Case’.” You mumbled, and Casey’s grinning facade shattered.

“Oh. Shit.” He said, staring at Raph. “Do you remember…like…anything?”

Raph shrugged dejectedly. “...Some of it. I remember…you and I would spray paint, I think? I remember a lotta (Y/N) apparently…I’ve got some vague recollections of Donatello, mostly their nerd-stuff…”

“Jeez man. That’s…depressing as fuck.” Casey said, blunt as he’d always been.

“Yeah.” Raph grunted.

“So…is it just you?” You asked, fearing the worst.

“Naw, I just found you guys first.” Casey smiled. “Red n’ Angel are searching upstairs…but I hear them coming down right….now.” He said, nodding right as the sound of two people tripping and falling off the treacherous stair-rope Donnie had installed.

“Oooh.” You and Casey winced.

“How ‘bout you? Any sign of the others? …Where’s Donnie?” Casey’s voice lowered for the latter, in an anxious tremor.

“Dee’s….fine. They just…look different than they did last time…you saw them. And…they’re pretty insecure about it.” You mumbled.

“Casey! Casey, we found evidence of someone upstairs- (Y/N)?! Raph!” April said, running into the kitchen as she noticed you. “You guys are here!”

“C’mon O’Neil, rule one of bein’ a ninja is ‘Don’t ever question the vague instructions you get from graffiti’. Didja ever doubt it?” You teased, grinning.

“I-I was so worried, guys! I thought that since my psychic powers stopped working-”

“Woah, how’d that happen?”

“Too many big auras now. They’re impossible to tell apart…trying just gives me a headache.” April explained. “But I thought it meant that you might’ve been dead…” She whispered, and Casey put an arm around her shoulders.

“Woah. So this is your turtle, Case’?” Said a new voice, and a teenage cat mutant leaned into the kitchen. “Hi.”

Raph only grunted in response, and the cat mutant that must’ve been Angel nodded. “Fair.”

“So where is Dee then?” Casey said.

“Shellraiser. In…uh…sleep mode.” You said. “I’ll go get him…but would you guys mind…shit this sounds wimpy. But could you guys…come with me?” You muttered. A part of you was 100% convinced that the instant you left them they would all fade away.

But Casey, who would usually make fun of you for such a childish request, slung his other arm around your shoulders- and you realized he probably felt exactly the same.

“Sure thing.” He said, smiling softly.

“Thanks guys.” You beamed.

You were finally smiling the way you did in the photographs.

Raph couldn’t help but smile too.

***

When Donnie woke up from sleep mode on Day 37 of the Mutant Apocalypse, he was greeted by four familiar faces- two of which were the only faces he’d seen at all in the past month, and two of whom were what convinced him that they were probably somehow dreaming.

But they were a robot, and dreaming wasn’t physically possible anymore.

So that meant this must, somehow, be real.

“Hey Donnie.” Said April, smiling at him, and he wanted to cry even though he didn’t have eyes.

“‘Sup Don.” Said Casey, grinning his gap-toothed grin that looked so much like Donnie’s old one.

“You’re here.” Donnie whispered, feeling his new antennae shoot up. “Holy chalupa you’re HERE?!”

You smiled, helping him up. “Hey Dee, I forgot to tell ya- we’ve got company.”

Donnie stared at the humans. They were here. He had so many questions, but most importantly-

“D’you guys like the new look?” He chuckled, only half joking.

Casey shrugged. “It’s different, but it looks metal as fuck.”

“Yeah that’s ‘cause it is metal, ya meathead.” Said Raph, smiling.

“It looks so cool Dee.” April said, smiling warmly.

Donnie really really wished they could still emote right about now, because the dopey grin that they would have grinned for that was unreal.

***

Day 40.

You and Raph lay on the roof of the farmhouse, watching the red sun set, leaving the sky that weird glowing purple color that it had begun to adopt.

(It really did remind you of some of those old Space Heroes episodes.)

“I really miss the stars.” You said lightly. “But I guess this is sorta pretty too, huh? In like…a weird way.”

“Hey, isn’t that true for all of this shit?” Raph said. “I really miss the stuff in those photos, those glimpses I get of the life we had before…but hey. In a weird…sort of fucked up way…this life is kinda nice too. Don’t get me wrong. It’s really frustrating, I hate my brain most of the time, and I’m like 90% convinced that I’ll never really be the same person…but at least I’m not alone in it, y’know?” He sighed.

You took his hand, squeezing it gently, and he squeezed back, and continued. “I’ve got you and Donnie. I guess now I’ve got Casey, Angel, and April too, and if they survived, who's to say my brothers didn’t?”

You nodded. “Yeah…I guess if we’re out here on this road to nowhere, there’s no one who I’d rather have on my side.” You chuckled half-heartedly. “Still sucks though.”

“Yeah, it really does.” Raph agreed.

You smiled and pulled him into a side hug, suddenly swallowed by bittersweet nostalgia for those days when the biggest threat was Shredder.

But hey, Raph had a point.

At least the outcome, well perhaps a huge downgrade from the breathtaking beauty of the stars, was still sorta pretty.

At least you were on the road to nowhere together.

***

Author's note: I am so glad that Mutant Apocalypse was made into an AU. If it had wound up as the canon ending, that would be...messed up, man. But I like it as an AU, and I hope you've enjoyed journeying through it with me- it's a sad sad ride, but boy did I have fun writing it.

#tmnt x reader #tmnt 2012 x reader #reader insert #gender neutral reader #gn!reader #tmnt raph x reader #tmnt 2012 raph x reader #raph x reader #tmnt 2012 raph #2k12 raph x reader #2k12 raph #mutant apocalypse #tmnt apocalypse au #trans raph

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americas1suiteheart · 10 months

Note

Can you please do a doctor who fanfic, a 10th Doctor x TransMasc!reader please :3 nothing specific in the story other than that, though some fluff would be nice

Why I would be more than happy do write such! I absolutely adore Trans reader stories, its a shame there ain't many, I'm so glad you asked me this though!

________________

Brilliant!

[10th Doctor x Trans-Masc!Reader]

[Summary: After years of traveling with the doctor, you accidentally spout out about how you identify. You had hid it the whole time you'd known him out of fear he'd drop you back off on earth out of disgust. That was the last thing he'd intended on doing.]

[Warnings; 900-some year old age gap (can I count that as a warning?)]

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

You were stupid enough to be messing with a piece of forgin spacecraft basically. You wanted to see what it was linked to, where it came from, and if it was getting any transmission signals.

So you began taking it apart. Yeah, just as I've said; not the smartest thing to do. Suddenly, it began whirring and flashing the white lights it had attached onto the top of it. Odd. Then it began blaring. Oh no. Then came a voice. Shit..

You take a few steps back from the piece of machinery and get your welding gun, protection I guess?

"WHO ARE YOU!? WHAT AM I DOING HERE!?"

The now what you assume is a battle robot or possibly even a life form, starts moving one of what you assume is its arm, and a blue glowing eye-like piece on its head.

Then it points another one of its "arms," up to you, starting to glow in a neon white color, making an awful whirring noise before flickering out and falling off from the body of it.

You were absolutely fascinated. Scared yes, but fascinated nonetheless. "What.. What are you?" I ask, walking closer as I look all around it.

"I AM THE DALEK! TELL ME WHAT DO YOU HAVE ME HELD HERE FOR!?"

This thing is incredible. You'd never heard of a Dalek before, but it surely was something. "I found you, I work in the engineering field and I was trying to see what you were or where you came from. I don't wish to hurt you." You put your welding tool down, seeing that the arm that seemed to be its weapon is no longer attached to it.

"RELEASE ME FROM YOUR CAPTIVITY HUMAN!" It begins rolling towards me, I back up slowly as to not let it get too close.

"Alright, I will but what did you come to earth for. Because surely your not from this planet or possibly even this galaxy, I'd never seen a piece machinery like that."

"WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU THAT!? WHY SHOULD I TRUST YOU!?" The Dalek rolls even closer to you, moving its eye up and down as if its examining you.

"Because I haven't done anything to harm you yet, have I? If I wanted to kill you I could have already done it by now." You place your hands up in a defensive manor as it rolls backward.

Suddenly, you hear your door beeps as it opens, you turn your head to the door, revealing two people, one young girl and one man.

"God, not again. Seriously what is it with you science guys and the Daleks." The Girl complains, followed by a chuckle from the man beside her.

The Dalek begins to freak out, blaring and flashing its lights as it looks at the girl and the man, pointing its remaining arm at them and flailing it.

"YOU ARE AN ENEMY OF THE DALEK! YOU MUST BE DESTROYED!"

What? It knows these people? Why are they enemies?

The man looks at the Dalek and deems it unharmful after looking at its missing arm. "You can't hurt me, you haven't even got your gunstick." The man laughs at the Dalek, getting closer to it. Then he turns to look at you, walking up to you. "You just have the bloody thing roaming around your lab? You know how much harm it could've done if it had its gunstick?"

"Well, it kinda did when I was messing with it." You admit, looking blankly at him.

"Your lucky your still alive you know, I'm telling you Rose, the bunch of you humans are fools sometimes!" He looks at the younger woman that you now know as Rose.

You look at the man dumbfounded, 'you humans'? Was he not a human himself like the Dalek? Was that why he was an enemy?

Rose approaches you, pushing the man to the side, "Hello, I'm Rose Tyler and this is The Doctor. We want to know how you get ahold of the Dalek and if it had caused any sort of mayhem before?" Rose puts her hand out to me to introduce herself and the man.

You reach for Rose's hand, giving it a firm shake as you introduce yourself, "Dr. L/n, and how should I trust you two? The other man is just called 'The Doctor'? No name or anything? And he said 'you humans' as well, how should I trust he's not just som-"

The "Doctor," then cuts me off, "Dr. L/n, I can assure you that you can trust us, we're probably the only ones on this planet that you can trust." The Doctor says, placing his hands on my shoulders.

"I found it in what we thought was an smaller asteroid landing, I found the Dalek mostly unharmed other than a few dents, then I took it into here and started taking it apart. I had no clue what it was really, It hadn't caused any damage and no one knows about it other than me and a colleague that thought it was just some spaceship debris. Would you please get your hand off me?" I explain, then looking down at The Doctor's arms on my shoulders, trying to shrug them off.

The Doctor takes his hands off of me, turning to the Dalek, "Alright.. What should we do about you now." He says, putting his index finder on his cheek in a thinking manor.

"FREE ME!"

"No no, I'm afraid we can't do that. We could kill you and just scrap your battle armor. Though self destruction might be better for y-" You shoot up and stand in front of the Dalek blocking it from The Doctor cuttting him off.

"Why should we kill it? It's already vulnerable being it no longer has its weapon." I look up at him.

"Dr. L/n, we have to kill it. It doesn't even serve a purpose here being the rest of its race is dead. There is no reason for it to fulfill whatever order it was sent here for. This creature doesn't show pity or remorse and will kill anything and anyone in any way that it can once it is able to." The Doctor explains.

You look down at the Dalek and step out of the way between it and The Doctor.

"YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME DR. L/N! YOU ARE NOW AN ENEMY OF THE DALEKS!" The Dalek looks at me as it flails its arm about.

---------------------------------------

[Skip because I don't feel like writing a whole death scene for the Dalek]

---------------------------------------

Rose comes up to me and shakes my hand once more, "It was a pleasure to meet you Dr. L/n, though it wasn't one of the best ways to do so I suppose," She lets out a lighthearted chuckle.

"Pleasure to meet you too Ms. Tyler."

The Doctor clears his throat, "Dr. L/n, what experience do you have with extraterrestrial machinery?"

"Well, I've handled quite a bit for a number of years now. I'm usually the person the higher ups hand all that kind of stuff to, why do you ask?" I say, taking my goggles off my face and placing them on the top of my head.

"Brilliant! I was wondering if you would like to travel with me and Rose here." The Doctor's face lights up as he turns to look at Rose.

"He doesn't know how to fix his ship, he just bangs the poor thing with a hammer and calls it a day." Rose giggles as The Doctor looks at her in unamusement.

Traveling with what seems to be an extraterrestrial being that just told another extraterrestrial being to kill itself, and a young girl. Sure that seems completely safe!

"Ship? So you're from space I'm assuming, Doctor?" You furrow your eyebrows.

"Well, yes. But Rose here is a human, you'll have another one of you on it, that is if you choose to go with us, of course, Dr. L/n." The Doctor shrugs his shoulders and tilts his head to the side.

"Alright, I'll go, but what am I going to do about my job? I can't just leave."

"We basically have a time traveling ship, give them a two weeks advance and then you can leave the same day if you go with us." Rose says.

I look at The Doctor and he nods.

"Alright, lead me to your "ship," "

---------------------------------------

Its been years now since you'd first met the two. Now it's just you and The Doctor, as Rose had left a year ago now. You enjoyed your time with her and became good friends with eachother and wished she hadn't left, but you respected her decision.

Rose was the only one you had told about being transgender, she supported you and suggested you tell The Doctor, but pushed it off using excuses such as, "He won't understand it," and, "It wouldn't matter to tell him," but you were scared he was going to call you a freak really.

The reason for this was not just because you were afraid of losing a good friend, but because you had come to fancy him throughout those years.

You walk into the console room due to hearing banging, hoping it wasn't The Doctor trying to "fix," something, yet lo and behold, you find him using a mallet on the poor TARDIS.

"Doctor, if something is wrong with the TARDIS you could just ask me to fix it, you know that." You walk towards him, your arms crossed with a look of unamusement on your face.

The Doctor looks at you and places the mallet down, "Ah, Y/n! Great now you can go and fetch me the sonic screwdriver from the living area, I'd left it there when I was working on something else."

"Doctor, you don't need the sonic screwdriver, or this mallet, to fix this, let me do it." You say, grabbing the bag of your tools to look for the needed things.

"Watch, for stuff like this you only need a bit of electrical tape, wire cutters, and a couple of these wire butt connectors." You say, grabbing one of the faulty wires in the console.

"You splice the wires, taking off about a quarter of an inch, then you place it with the colour corresponding wire, connect in with the butt connector- are you even listening?" You look up at The Doctor to see him looking at your face.

"Yeah, yeah I'm listening don't worry," he says, leaning onto the railing on the console.

"What had I just said then?" You eye The Doctor for a second before going back to your work.

He stayed silent for a second, before saying, "Wires." He shrugs.

You roll your eyes and get back to working on the TARDIS. This wasn't the first time he'd done something like this, but yet, it didn't upset you.

"Y/n, I've wondered about your family. You never talked about them or anything of the such, why's that?"

Your family wasn't the best. After telling them you were transgender the only people that supported you was your dad and most of the family on his side. But everyone else, including your mum and your siblings cut all contact with you right after.

"Oh uh, I don't really talk to them anymore." You say, continuing your work.

"Why?"

Before you could stop yourself from saying anything you would regret, the words flew out from your mouth in desperation to be let out.

The one thing you told yourself you wouldn't do was done. You couldn't take it back or pass it off as a joke, the damage was done.

The Doctor just stayed silent, what appeared to be a look of confusion on his face.

You could've apologized and run off to your respectful room in the TARDIS, but you just sat there staring at him silently. You didn't want to loose more people because of your own choice to be something that you weren't born as.

"Y/n, I'm so glad you told me. Why hadn't you told me sooner?" The Doctor engulfs you into a hug.

Before you knew it you began crying. You'd never been so relieved and happy about something.

"You don't think I'm a freak?" You sputter out, trying your best to make it sound clear.

"No, Y/n I could never. I think your absolutely brilliant! I don't think I could ever have a more brilliant companion, really." He says, grabbing onto the both of your hands.

There was a peaceful moment of silence between the two of you before The Doctor broke it. "Y/n, can I tell you something as well?"

You nod your head.

"I'm in love with you, Dr. L/n." The Doctor says, looking at you as if you were the only thing in the universe, the glow of the TARDIS making his eyes glisten it that gorgeous caramel brown colour you adored.

That's the first time he's called you that since a little while after you two met.

"I love you too, Doctor."

You could see his eyes flick down to your lips before one of his shaky hands reaches for your cheek, he leans in and closes his eyes as he pulls your face closer to his, finally closing the gap between the both of you, placing a gentle but passionate kiss on your lips that lasted a couple of seconds before the both of you pulled away, breaths short.

He looked absolutely gorgeous in that moment, his messy hair sticking up from all directions, a lopsided smile on his face, an a deep blush spread across his freckled face, the TARDIS glow illuminating it.

"You're absolutely brilliant, darling." He says, placing another kiss onto your lips.

The universe had the best intentions for your life and you could never ask for anything better at that very moment.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

Word Count; 2,395

I hope that was a decent enough interpretation of what you wanted. I really like the way that this one turned out! My request book is open! Send any requests you have.

Do not repost any of my work!

#tenth doctor x reader #10th doctor x reader #tenth doctor #10th doctor #trans reader #trans ftm #doctor who #dr who #david tennant #fluff #comfort

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you-cant-fuck-megaman · 7 months

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so, as mentioned before, 30XX is a lot of fun. (i'm going to get back to updates soon, this game has simply siphoned my soul and now i am a child again experiencing the entire spectrum of megaman emotions at once.)

but one thing that's really starting to annoy me is the story. or rather, the complete lack of it. i guess it's true to the source material, given that the story in megaman isn't really all that great either, but at least it's straightforward before we hit the zero series. you know what you're doing, you're a little guy about three apples tall and there's a bad guy sending out robots you have to shoot. then you hit the zero series and it's just someone forgetting their meds and thinking Mechanical Violator Hakaider was a good movie (it was ok) then you hit ZX and fuck it we Kamen Rider now

point is, it's all pretty firmly straightforward shit. we know what's going on, there's an evil scientist destroying things with his robots. stop him. pls

30XX doesn't really tell you squat.

spoilers below, in case you're a moron like me and you're deeply emotionally invested in the story of megaman-alikes.

the opening tutorial cutscene features ace dying to wake up nina, who just says there's work to do. and then you hop out, shoot a robot, and end up in a space station base where a tiny lesbian tells you there's work to do. also ace is ok, you can jump into a capsule to turn into him. either that or nina is the fastest transitioning icon in media but go her i guess (go him??? idk how trans-ing works) you jump into the levels, shoot the bosses, and see a tall lesbian that tells you she's doing work and that you can't stop her work, and then the second largest cock i've seen comes out of the interdimensional hole and you mount it and you fight AU tiny lesbian and Alpha 1.0 pre-transition Nina and Ace in there.

what the fuck?

what am i doing? why am i here? what is happening? what the fuCK IS GOING ON???? WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR?????????

the cursory idea is that you have to find the data terminals to learn what's going on in the world, but near as i can tell the tall lesbian isn't actually an evil scientist destroying things with her robots, because the world is already dying and so that's different because but it seems the more i get into things, the more lost i'm getting

characters will just randomly appear on the ship and i'm just expected to accept it. who is Delta, outside of being a dashing, charismatic, sexuality-threateningly handsome cool guy who likes a challenge? who is the scrap salvager, outside of maybe being Vika from 20XX? tiny lesbian says that if i vouched for them then they're all right to havE AROUND BUT I DIDN'T VOUCHE FOR THEM I HAVE NO CLUE WHO THEY UFCKING ARE!!!!!!!!!!

i suspect it's because of the expansion in scope in trying to make a bigger game. there's not really a lot of ways to really justify the plot of a roguelite, there's only so many methods you can explain away death and rebirth happening in-universe. last time i asked my doctor about the cycle of samsara he just told me "you have to wake up, the accident wasn't your fault". in 20XX, you're just a pair of flash-cloned experiments doing experimental runs. and that's really all the context you need; you have a setup, a goal, an antagonistic force, and a reason to do things there's the question about how the game world continues after you win the game and destroy everything and escape the space station, but i didn't say it was perfect. but it was good! it made sense!

meanwhile, 30XX seems to be about multiversal collapsing and each run is a separate world disparate from each other. there's too many worlds and each world is trying to share in the same place because the infinite universe is actually finite. and nina was demonized after 20XX because of her super-power because despite Sharp and Flat both being idiots they were actually, like, super-geniuses that made the strongest robots ever. (these are the same guys that mass-produced buzzsaw hamsters) oh, and everyone's already dead??? man this sure is some tonal dissonance from how fucking goofy everything is. not three minutes ago i saw the universe's second-largest cock plunge through time and space. midgard? more like midhard hah hah hah hahhhhhh

at the end of the day they're focused on the gameplay instead of the story. and that's perfectly fine. admirable, even, for a megaman-style project. a lot of megaman fanstuff creators (myself included) tend to masturbate text out with forces rivaling the niagara falls. oh baby, expand that wordcount. it's good to see something that just wants to focus on jumping and shooting instead of trying to write the next masterpiece exploring the nature of the human condition. but i'll admit it's a little underwhelming. i liked nina and ace and i cared about what they were doing, and 30xx doesn't seem to be willing to really flesh them out.

oh well, time for another run! 9/10 game tbh

#not megaman #megaman #30XX #20XX #inapplicable

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cipheramnesia · 9 months

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Hi! How’re you? I love your blog and never know how to write asks.

Any chance you’d be willing to dish out a quick (or long) list of your favorite techno horror/techno punk movies? Don’t know if those are the right terms.

If not thank you anyway for reading and I hope you are having a good night.

Full disclosure, I wasn't familiar with these terms, beyond what I could figure out intuitively, which turned out to be correct, as far as I can tell! Which is not very far so you know, bear with me. Nervously looking over my shoulders for a bear. OK.

After a crash course, I think it's safe to call Tetsuo The Iron Man and Tetsuo The Bullet Man the quintessential technohorror technopunk type movies. They are lean and mean structured around shocking violence and jaw dropping effects on a budget. In the same vein, but which you might not have heard of, is Tokyo Gore Police. It's, y'know, not for everyone, look it up and you'll have a pretty clear idea what you're in for. If you're on the bubble, let me just say "sexy crocodile vagina legs," and leave it there.

It looks like David Cronenberg is big in the subgenre and what can I say except good call. Kind of a horror pioneer across quite a few subgenres including splatterpunk and body horror, his fascination with permutations of the flesh and technology makes him a no-brainer. Obviously you should know about Crimes of the Future and The Fly, and potentially the lesser know but exception Videodrome and Existenz. However, also consider checking out his adaptation of Crash (an essential movie for anyone intrigued by trans humanism) and his adaptation of Naked Lunch. For all purposes, virtually everything in his oeuvre prior to Naked Lunch in some way invokes body horror and some degree of technohorror, so you may as well sit down and take your time with his filmography. Then follow up with with everything Brandon Cronenberg, his son, has released because that specific apple is not far from the tree.

Also mentioned is Terminator, which I guess is sort of horror and punk(ish) and techno, which sort of throws Alien and Aliens in but honestly those feel more like science fiction horror personally, whatever you know them already. And you're not here for stuff you can pull in any online search so lets get down to the weird shit.

I've mentioned it before, but Death Machine (1994) is an absolute joy to watch. Magnificent use of practical effects, tongue in cheek but never boring, if you want to see an absolutely gorgeous murder robot, this is a must-watch. Kind of the western answer to Tetsuo Iron Man with a less manic pace and heavy handed satire. Think RoboCop on a worse budget using the plot of Aliens but inside an office building. This one and a similarly impressive work of practical effects called Hardware (1990) are both difficult to unearth. If you see them anywhere, grab a copy, drop everything and watch.

There's this whole collection of AI movies that range between hard scifi and gloppy horror, but I'd like to direct attention to somewhat over looked Automata (2014). For me it has just the right blend of real world trash and futuristic dystopia, with a plot that's part mystery and part big ideas. It rides this lovely line that drew me in by featuring robots that do not feel human at all, disappointingly blocky and clunky, and led me into feeling the necessary empathy for the story to succeed. It is by turns abstract and violent, and feels almost as if it could be a precursor to Blade Runner in its visuals and story design.

Now let's rewind back to 1977's Demon Seed. It's been quite a while since I saw the original, and it's by no means the best movie out of the 70s but it is a buckwild, extremely fucked up AI gone haywire film. Content warning for an extremely disturbing sexual assault by a robotic shape shifting dodecahedron. It belongs on a technohorror list because it's the kind of movie where you'll say "wow, it sure went there." I can't tell you if it's good, only that you'll probably wish you could forget some scenes. And if you want to keep the ball rolling with slow paced science fiction movies about killer robots obsessed with sexual assault, you can check out Saturn 3 (1980).

But enough about robots, let's talk about zombies with Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead (2014) and Wyrmwood: Apocalypse (2021). Both of these have punk vibes, very in line with most Ozsploitation movies, and the gimmick is that, as a zombie apocalypse begins, a group of survivors discover the zombies belch up methane - and they can rig up their engines to run on the stuff. The pair of movies escalate continuously in their excess and weirdness. If the first leaves you wanting more, the second will leave you absolutely demanding it. Frankly anything low budget and vaguely weird from Australia tends to be over the top of over the top. See also SheBorg (2016) about an evil alien cyborg who comes to Earth to eat puppies (very unrealistic stuffed animals) and turn people into more evil cyborgs. The only hope is punk loser teenage girls. Is it badly made? Yes. Offensive? Pretty much. But it's evil alien puppy eating cyborg versus punk rock teenagers so like you gotta see it.

Not gonna sugar coat this - quite a lot of the "best technohorror" recommendations lists I'm turning up in searches to job my memory aren't great. Seems like mostly it's more "hey here are some movies that use an technology" versus anything that gives me a real sensation of the movie being either intrinsically about the interaction of the human, the horrific, and the technological, or where the tech aspect is a kind of break-out rogue element, getting away with something daring or weird or simply grotesque through having the sort of budget and distribution (or lack thereof) that keeps sticky fingered producers from leaving notes all over the script. Anyway this is kind of a prelude to suggesting Frankenstein might be the original technohorror, and to check out Depraved (2019), a take on Frankenstein with a fascinating direction, where the titular scientist is an ex-army field medic with PTSD and his monster is made from soldier parts which, themselves, are not entirely free from the memories of their own traumatic pasts. It may only loosely follow the original story but it's a hell of a gut punch and I think exactly the sort of filmmaking that you want from any genre appended with "punk."

Lastly of course we all know the recently released M3gan, but I'm going to suggest a second Frankenstein movie, which I have not seen as yet so this is a blind recommendation, The Angry Black Girl and Her Monster, directed by Bomani J. Story. If the title alone doesn't give you a frisson of anticipation about what might be in the movie, the trailer should have you hooked. I'm dying to watch it, personally, but saving it to watch with one of my partners.

youtube

#horror movies #technohorror #technopunk

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s1lv3r-4rt · 6 months

Text

FUN FACTS FROM STORMBRINGER BECAUSE I'M INSANE

also SB SPOILERS OBVS!!!

ALSO TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR: MENTIONS OF DEATH, MENTIONS OF MURDER, MENTIONS OF TORTURE, DESCRIPTIONS IF HALLUCINATIONS, SEMI-GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF GORE, DESCRIPTIONS OF TORTURE! DO NOT READ IF ANY OF THIS MAKES YOU UNCOMFY!

-the hat chūya wears during 15/just joined pm is NOT the same hat he wears at 22! he wears verlaine's now! because arahabaki is a bitch!

-doc went to school (at least med school) somewhere in north america! so he probably knows english!

-our chūya is very highly probably the clone! and n is his dad!

-if our chūya isn't the clone, he's not an orphan! we see him watching what seems to be his grandparents in the epilogue!

-his bike is from albatross!

-paul verlaine is actually arthur rimbaud's real name, but rimbaud gave it to our least favorite french assassin when he found him!

-rimlaine canon! (irl verlaine and rimbaud were dating/fucking i will NEVER not bring this up) (because bsd generally keeps relations accurate from irl (like dazai, oda, and ango hanging out at bar lupin))

-if you didn't know, verlaine trained kyōka and gin!

-bsd mary shelley is a scientist who made adam frankenstein! she is also so skrunkly and so swag!

-dazai is a fucking faggot! ("i'm always thinking of ways to annoy chūya.") (I CAN SAY THAT I'M BIROMANTIC AND HOMOSEXUAL AND TRANS I PROMISE)

-dazai, at least from 15-16, lived in a cargo container for transporting cars! he only had a bed, a fridge, a lamp, a desk and chair, and a spare light bulb! all the more reason to burn mori at the stake!

-shirase moved to britain! his and chūya's goodbye was really sweet after what they've been through!

-before becoming an executive, chūya was in charge of taking care of gem smugglers! which was dazai's job before rank climbing! silly little gays!

-chūya has a scar from where shirase stabbed him, as well as a scar on his right wrist with unknown origins (i think it's unknown reading the epilogue was a fucking blur)!

-verlaine is batshit! he was in the trunk of a car with a corpse (i think, he might have been sitting on the trunk lid/door thing)! and then said "*pops open trunk* this bad boy can fit so much lippmann"! and it was described horrifyingly! (smth along the lines of "he watched the body roll out of the trunk with a wet thunk. the body that was lippmann." i will shank asagiri and the translator i read it from /j) also! he open alb's fucking chest! his rib bones were just out in the open! doc's entire lower half was missing!

-pianoman's and iceman's bodies aren't described (lippmann's isn't either, but from the wet thunk we can infer), it's only noted that they're there and in the pile with alb and doc, but we can imagine the bullshit verlaine had to do to get those two down because! pianoman was the leader of the flags and was this 👌 fucking close to becoming an executive! and iceman murders people with his bare hands, fountain pens, hell, i'm pretty sure a table was on that list!

-adding onto that! at the funeral, chūya tells adam that it took the mortician 8 hours to get the bodies even presentable!

-chūya is a really good pool player! he's repeatedly called the "undefeated king" (or smth) by the other flags! the only person who could beat him was adam, and adam's a robot! chū's been playing for the least amount of time, as well as being up to 9 years younger than the others (pianoman was the oldest at 25, iceman is next oldest but we don't have any exact ages except for pianoman), so i guess he's just really good at playing with balls! (hehe)

-lippmann is a famous, FAMOUS actor! he is repeatedly referred to as attractive by the narrator and even doc! it's said that any woman falls for him, and if he were to dress as a woman, the men would fall too! we love an icon!

-lippmann also comments that chūya could/should join him as an actor if he leaves the pm!

-the flags were VERY well known before their deaths! lippmann was basically the face of the pm! iceman was a very well known assassin! albatross was the head of transportation! doc was the best doctor the pm had! pianoman was, again, LIKE 30 SECONDS AWAY FROM BECOMING AN EXECUTIVE! the only less well known one was chūya!

-and that was immediately revoked when he defeated fucking GUIVRE! HE DEFEATED (and to the public/government, killed) THE KING OF ASSASSINS! WHEN SAID KING OF ASSASSINS WAS A FUCKING GODZILLA BOOTLEG WITH THE POWER OF LIKE THREE GODS IN ONE BODY! it is outright stated that every single person in the pm knew of and respected chūya, and this was before he became an executive! he was 16!

-speaking of! he was 16! he had to watch as his brother murdered every person who mattered to him (except for dazai iykyk)! it doesn't matter that adam came back (epilogue)! he had to watch someone who is supposed to care for him destroy his entire life! verlaine is the one who unlocked chū's gate (the ability to use corruption/singularity form)! he is the one who broke chūya down to his fucking base, build him by about 0.5%, then break him even more! he had to learn that he may not even be human! he had to watch his original melt down to his bones before attempting to murder him! that's horrifying!

- speaking of... that^! the original(?) chūya was... let me just summarize it! he was in a cylinder of some kind of liquid, which n drained. that resulted on og chū starting ti fucking suffocate because he'd been in that shit for like- 9 years? maybe even longer! so he started dying. n gave our chū the remote, which resulted in our chū getting og chū out of the cylinder, only able to hold him as the flesh melted off of his fucking bones. imagine that. watching someone (almost) identical to you, your original, melt into nothing. the only thing left being the mush his skin turned into, his clothed skeleton, and the scientist who did it to him.

-hehe! verlaine murdered n by stepping on him (as guivre, but honestly if verlaine wanted to ste-)!

-while in the lab being tortured, chūya has some hallucinations! dazai being a little shit, shirase blaming him for everything that happened to the sheep (and he was joined by the sheep members for a moment), then the flags! the flags, mainly pianoman, told chūya that it wasn't his fault (i think) and that chūya needs to keep going! then verlaine pops up, and chū thinks he's a hallucination until he frees chū!

-speaking of chū's torture! he was chained to a wall with shackles that had barbed wire on the inside, stakes through bullet wounds that would electrocute him, and tubes in his back administering poison(s)! it was genuinely heartbreaking to read as chūya's screams filled mot only the room he was in, but also the entire lab!

-albatross is the one who taught chūya to swim!

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goshdangronpa · 18 days

Note

any of the warriors of hope because those little buggers have been on my mind for months and they won't leave help

(obvs no sexuality stuff because come on man)

Hi, friend! Any of the Warriors of Hope? How about ... all of them?!

Like-like headcanon: Masaru still thinks liking girls is icky and he's not yet aware that boys can like boys. Jataro believes that cooties are real and the grossest cooties are his own. Kotoko is clearly enthusiastic about girls but will have to really sort some stuff out as she gets older. Nagisa was never the type to think that like-liking someone is gross - he's always wanted to get married. Monaca sees the human heart as just another instrument she can play ... but she'll mellow out if given enough time and care, and then, who knows?

Gender headcanon: Masaru is the boyest boy to ever boy ... which is what I tried to be and look how I turned out lmao. Jataro is cis, but his takes on gender are so galaxy-brained that you wouldn't believe he's not on Tumblr. Kotoko will adopt more androgynous affects over time, exploring cuteness outside of traditional femininity. Nagisa can go on for a long time about his view of his own gender, but if asked to summarize, he'd say he doesn't have one. With little to go on besides my own intuition, I'm surprisingly confident that Monaca is a trans boy.

One ship I have with them: Eh, kinda weird to ship them with anyone since they're little kids. Even Kotoko, who at one point in her boss battle declares that she wants to have children with Monaca, probably doesn't like her as much by the end of UDG. Same with Nagisa, poor guy ... but they've all still got each other.

One BroTP I have with them: Gonna use this section to declare which DR teen they'd get along with (note: I haven't played much of DRS). Masaru would be thrilled by Kazuichi, a neon-haired, shark-toothed, funny-voiced goblin man who builds robots, and Kazuichi would rather embarrassingly treasure the validation from a pretty cool kid. Angie would love love love Jataro, though anyone who knows her will make sure someone else supervises them so that arts-n-crafts playtime doesn't become Baby's Second Cult. I think Sayaka and Kotoko would have a lot that they can talk about together, and I believe she'd do everything she can to nurture and protect the kid. Nekomaru and Akane would be a refreshing pair for Nagisa: they'd focus on training his body rather than his mind, but in a way that's actually healthy and clearly caring. Monaca should probably be kept away from most people for now, but Hajime is uniquely suited to be friendly with her ... so they can wax about Nagito's weirdness together.

One NoTP I have with them: I guess anyone? Since, again, they're little kids?

Random headcanon: When Masaru goes on long walks, he looks for long sticks to carry and will exchange them for even bigger ones he finds along the way. Jataro's reading comprehension is poor, but he can already do basic algebra. Kotoko's never felt safer on a film set than when she played a creepy kid in an R-rated horror movie. Nagisa can take catnaps on command for the same reason soldiers do: they never know when their next chance to catch some sleep could be. Monaca may be the rare person who would become a kinder and gentler human being by joining a school theater program.

General opinion: Suitably creepy in their roles as antagonists to Komaru and Toko, crushingly sympathetic in their motivations, and really fun on their own. The Warriors of Hope are just one reason why I'd urge people to try Ultra Despair Girls, even with all the game's faults (especially the ones related to the WoH themselves). It's incredible that Kotoko can be my favorite for her winning personality despite how tastelessly the writers treat her. Jataro also has one of my favorite character voices in Danganronpa, not referring to the vocal performance (which is great!), but to his almost Dadaist dialogue. Ah, I like 'em all!

#warriors of hope #masaru daimon #jataro kemuri #kotoko utsugi #nagisa shingetsu #monaca towa #danganronpa #ultra despair girls #udg #headcanons #thanks for asking!

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delta-orionis · 9 months

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i wanna hear about the simon aroace beam pls

(Tumblr is apparently trying to silence me because this is the second time I'm writing out this answer. Anyway.)

I already made a post about my aroace Simon headcanons several years ago, but I'm more than happy to talk about it again. (Also I'm not sure if you specifically ever beat SOMA, so you're probably unfamiliar with some of the points I made in the aforementioned post. I'll do my best to explain.)

(Continued under the cut)

Simon is an interesting character because he's an everyman. I often joke about how he's Just Some Guy who's having the worst day ever. He's had a pretty average life (aside from the recent loss of his friend and traumatic brain injury), and it doesn't come up often in the text of the game. He brings it up sometimes, but it isn't the focus of his dialogue. He was thrust from an unremarkable life in 2015 into Undersea Robot Hell and is forced to make some serious decisions about the fate of the human race, so he has other priorities.

His characterization as an everyman combined with the fact that we don't actually know a lot about his life before the events of SOMA make Simon a very easy character to project your own experiences onto. This makes him a good fit for a video game protagonist because it makes it easy for the player to relate to him. It also means that it's easy to fill in the blanks of his characterization with your own ideas. I've personally seen lots of different interpretations of his gender and sexuality; I've seen people headcanon him as straight, gay, bisexual, etc etc. His gender is also an entire can of worms; I've seen people make compelling arguments that he's a trans man, a trans woman, and even nonbinary and agender.

Anyway... this was all preface for my thesis that Simon is aroace. The easy explanation is that I, an aroace person, find it easy to project my own experiences on to him in a way that makes sense to me. I've talked to a few other aroace SOMA fans about this, and they've agreed. (This is what I mean by the aroace beam. I simply enjoy headcanoning characters I like as aroace, because I, too, am aroace. I'm hitting them with my beam attack. Metaphorically. I've now rendered the joke unfunny by explaining it.)

(Side note- there's a running joke in the SOMA server I run that many SOMA fans are asexual. There certainly are a number of them in that specific server, however this also might be confirmation bias, because I haven't done a fandom-wide survey or anything like that. It also might be because I promote the server heavily on my blog, and as an openly aroace person, I probably have a statistically significant amount of aspec followers who are then compelled to join the server I help run. More research is required, I guess.)

The longer explanation for this headcanon is that, within the text of the game, Simon doesnt' appear to be very concerned with sex or romance.

In the dream sequence at the beginning of the game, Simon tells Ashley he wants to tell her something, and she responds with "please don't make this weird". A lot of people tend to interpret this as Simon working up the courage to tell Ashley he has a crush on her. The scene ends abruptly before this can be confirmed. However, there are a few unused voice lines in the game files that extend the scene a bit. Simon was originally supposed to say "I'm sorry" to Ashley before the dream ended. This implies that he wanted to apologize to her for involving her in the car accident that ended her life, not confess a crush.

There is another dream sequence later in the game, the context being that Simon is under the influence of the WAU and is being shown an idealized version of his life. He sees Ashley, alive and standing in his apartment, where she declares that the two of them are in love. Simon seems confused about this and wakes up shortly after.

I will admit that this scene implies he has romantic feelings for her. However, in the post I made a few years ago, I talked about how a common experience for a lot of aroace people is not being able to distinguish between different types of attraction and how this can lead to aces convincing themselves that they have a crush on someone when what they really desire is a platonic relationship:

I think what sells it the most for me is that, during the dream sequence with Ashley, when Ashley tells him that they’re a couple, he sounds confused. You could interpret this as general confusion (he doesn’t know how Ashley is suddenly alive again or why they’re suddenly in a relationship), but I like to think that he’s conflicted about his feelings for her. He knows he wants to be close to her, but he’s not sure if being a romantic couple is exactly what he wants. If the dream sequence is supposed to be an idealized scenario, then why is he conflicted about the thing he supposedly wants?

Simon strikes me as the type of guy who isn’t super informed about LGBT stuff. He probably knows a little bit about general LGBT stuff, but maybe hasn’t learned about asexuality, or he doubts that it could apply to him. He might think that, because he wants to be close with Ashley, that the next logical step would be a romantic relationship, even if his feelings are actually just platonic. (I know from personal experience growing up asexual that I would sometimes invent crushes on people, when in reality my feelings were just platonic and I actually just wanted to be their friend. From what I’ve heard, this is a common experience for a lot of aro and ace people from before they learned about asexuality/aromanticism.)

I recognize that this interpretation might be bending canon a bit. Occam's razor would imply that he simply has a romantic crush on Ashley, but that's no fun.

SOMA is a game that is, overall, pretty uninterested in exploring romantic or sexual relationships. It also features two main characters of different genders (Simon and Catherine) who develop a strong platonic relationship over the course of the game. I, personally, find it a breath of fresh air, especially when a lot of science fiction and cyberpunk stories have a heavy emphasis on sex. (I'm definitely not bitter about all the weird sexism present in cyberpunk novels like Neuromancer, for example...)

I suppose it makes sense, then, that the game would have a sizeable amount of aroace fans. I personally think there is something inherently queer about the game- although not explicit in the text, transhumanist stories like SOMA can be read as metaphors for queer experiences. Questioning one's identity and humanity is something that a lot of LGBT people do on a regular basis, so it makes perfect sense that they would relate to a character from a game exploring those topics, albeit through a science fiction lens.

Anyway. Very, very long story short, I hit Simon with my aroace beam attack because I think it's fun. He means a lot to me and I like thinking about him.

(Don't get me started on what I think about his gender. He's got so much going on in that department and absolutely no time to come to terms with it all. That's a post for another day.)

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, I hope you enjoyed reading, etc etc. I'm going to go back to rotating Simon in my brain now.

#asks #girlfriendsofthegalaxy #exploding tumblr with my mind because it deleted the original version of this post #anyway this is 1.2k words. enjoy #soma #soma game #simon jarrett

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moonlight-tmd · 7 months

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Okay, i know i’ll explore more of this but i want to hear your thoughts on this too.

Femme frame bumblebee? He’s still a mech but he’s definitely built with the aft and curves of a femme and even has heel struts instead of regular pedes. He knows he’s built and his frame compliments his doorwings.

He usually wears a bulky over armor but it gets damaged in battle and breaks off revealing him in the heat of a battle that just stops?

His teams reaction?

Blitzwings reaction?

Before or after they start dating. If after blitzwing didn’t know b/c bee has trauma.

oooh i get it, like @toxxicpill design. I always imagined him a little feminine, just more blocky instead of smooth curves.

hmm, i mean, sure he would be a bit curvy, the doorwings are a nice touch for him cough happy flutters cough cough. I am a little disappointed that they decided to gender the robots but eh, 2000's cartoons i guess.

He is a bit curvy on top of the blocky frame, the heeled pedes are not uncommon, i mean Prowl has these- he kinda looks like Elita overall, his subspace is moved down to cover his aft in this since he has doorwings (yes it does look like earth bumblebee's abdonmen). Yes, he does wear additional armor to apprear more bulky over his chassis and shoulders, he doesn't like how everyone kept staring at his chassis. I always imagine Bee and Prowl are almost the same height, only that Prowl is few inches taller and way slimmer than Bee (I mean, he is a motorbike. They are rather small, even when compared to tiny cars). So without the top armor, Bee is almost half the width he was.

I imagine the only one who'll know is Ratchet. I mean, he fixes Bee all the time and there is no way he wouldn't know that the upper part of Bee's armor is not his original frame. Ratchet is a medic, he's not gonna judge anyone- well, unless you say or do something stupid. Then he's gonna judge you all he wants.

So yeh, bots and cons fight over Allspark shard- idk, maybe some stray blaster shot hits him on the chassis and the thing breaks, it's not completely broken but heavily damaged. Now, this is a battlefield. I don't think anyone would stop to look at Bee's badongahonkas, especially when there's such an important item involved.

After that, sure the team is surprised that Bee's frame is actually different from what they see so often but nobody hates him for it. They're not homo/trans/any lgbt+-phobic. And they don't have genders in the first place, everyone chooses how they want to portray themselves.

When his additional armor is being fixed, there's not much of a change. Sure, others throw glances at him more often but nothing else- the only one to have a visible reaction would be Optimus. Bee already reminded him of Elita when he met him, and seeing Bee look even more like Elita is weird, if it isn't raising some questions... he almost slips and calls him Elita.

Sari thinks Bee looks pretty, and may or may not be trying to get him more armor pieces like that so he can be a full-blown knight.

The repair was quick so no Elite Guard reaction- but if they were to witness this, Sentinel would be the first afthole to stare at Bee's chassis as if to take that armor off with his processor power. Jettwins and Jazz would have respect and try to keep SP away from the young bot- as they always do, just this time the reason is different. They all have no idea how Sentinel can be so awful and still keep his job...

Now you want Blitzy's reaction, alright.

That stray blaster shot might have been his and he struck Bee on accident. He does catch a quick look at Bee's slim frame before his team calls on retreat. If they weren't dating then he would be a little bit pervy in his mind, he wouldn't bring it up with the scout tho, he's not sexist.

If they were dating, he would wonder why Bee didn't tell him. He asks about it the next meeting they have- Bee's armor has been fixed by then. Sure enough, Bee confesses that he was forged a femme but decided to be a He. He wears additional armor because he didn't have credits for changing his frame type and had enough of other bots calling him and grabbing him rudely. Wasp was one of those bots, he harrased Bee with no mercy until Longarm saved him.

Blitz feels both sorry and hella ANGY. How could anyone treat his precious hummel like that?! And they say Decepticons are evil- if anyone is racist, sexist and disrespectful about such basic things as appearance and behavior, it's the Autobots. The 'cons murder everyone equally, not just the "freaks".

Once Bee gains enough confidence then he'd show Blitzwing his real frame. And Blitzwing will have some pervy thoughts he'd keep to himself only. He loves Bee, and seeing him even smaller than how he was already is adorable. Blitz is the only one that Bee lets grab him like that. And Blitzwing can't help but admit his hummel's chassis is a great pillow.

#blitzbee #long post #maccadam #ask box #crack post kinda?#did i just write trans Bee? i think i did #fuck it good for him #it's TRANSformers bby #tfa

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k0nstanta · 7 months

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So is Kotya’s gender different in each setting or is she just a boygirl? Is she a boygirl in the robot setting too? Or, does she just also like he/him sometimes? Also, what is Shurik’s gender:)

vlad: kotya has been through a gender journey since her creation, going from cis guy to feminine cis guy to boygirl to mayyybe a little transgender and has now arrived to being a trans woman for real. their default setting is grounded in real life (specifically my experience of living in an intolerant country) so for safety and convenience reasons i can't imagine her ever publicly coming out or transitioning there, but i feel like she doesn't mind it that much, or is at least used to it. she doesn't hate being a guy but obviously likes being a woman more, so the secondary identity is kind of always just there, and she dons it like a work uniform when necessary. so for her, she/her is preferable, but he/him is like, well, if you must, i guess. depending on the setting though she is either out or in the closet or lacks the knowledge and vocabulary for it, but she is always a girl, just with different levels of intensity in expression. you know that one butch to femme scale? you can kind of think of all the different kotyas as on that spectrum, with robot one being the most feminine.

senya: shurik was created with a purpose of being an average guy thus you'd probably see more art of him being masculine... he's 70% guy with occasional crossdressing on the side; depending on the setting the degree of crossdressing may go up a notch. think of it as a personal outlet... as for pronouns shurik defaults to he/him but would be fine with any 🤷

#askbox #character: kotya #character: shurik

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burstofstarlight · 1 year

Text

HI I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna talk about how Astro Boy is a great example of the 'came back wrong' trope especially because He Came Back Exactly Like He Already Was- and also it's Such a fucking trans allegory.

In every iteration the basic story is that Dr. Tenma, a super important figure in the field of robots, has a son, Toby, who dies due to some form of technology. So, he brings Toby back in the form of a robot replacement, 'Astro Boy', only to eventually decide he's done with him, because he 'isn't his son anymore'.

In the 60s series he gets frustrated that Astro isn't growing like a normal child and dumps his ass off to go get traumatized in a robot dog fighting ring. In the 2000s series he's the main antagonist even!

But my favorite iteration is the 2009 movie, especially because it hit really close to home as a trans person. which is a. WILD fucking thing to say i'm aware but just like. hear me out.

So Toby is killed in an accident and his father is devastated, so he brings him back by creating a robot body that looks exactly like him and importing all of his memories into it. He has no memory of ever dying, however. To him, it's like no time has passed and suddenly everyone is acting super tense around him. His dad, who was previously very distant. even wants to be around him full time now. So whatever, back to normal kid stuff I guess.

Except his dad seems to have the wrong idea of who he was. He has memories regarding Toby's childhood that Toby himself, who, mind you, has exact copies of his old memories, doesn't remember ever happening. His dad, who barely knew him and is fresh out of working nonstop for months to bring his son back, remembers him as a perfect, polite, gifted kid- and now that Toby's back to acting like himself, only now his child-like impulses and interests are no longer repressed, his father assumes that he's done something wrong.

When Toby finds out he's a robot by chance, he's excited to share this with his dad, but he's met with his dad telling him that he's a robot, a copy of his son that acts nothing like him, that every time he sees his face he's reminded of his dead child, that he wants nothing to do with him anymore, and that he doesn't love him.

This leads to him running away to live a life as a kid amongst others his age, choosing a new name (Astro) and being accepted for who he is and congratulated for the things he can do. For once in his life he's made actual connections. Once his new caretaker becomes hostile due to his identity as a robot however, he is captured and taken home so his father can have him decommissioned. And right before he dies, all he can think to do is apologize that he couldn't have been a better son.

anyways tl;dr his dad changes his mind, brings him back to life, his new friends support him, he beats the bad guy w/e w/e, what really stuck with me was his dad catching back up and telling him, "You may not be Toby, but you're my son." before the climax. THAT really got me

Because ultimately, it's a story about repressing parts of yourself, about those who are close to you knowing someone who isn't really you at all, about facing rejection upon learning who you are and sharing it with those close to you, about starting a new life with a new name and people who love you for you, and about eventually being accepted by those who found you important enough to them that they decide to get to know you like they never did before.

TL;DR, shoutout to Astro Boy, the trans kid ever.

#astro boy #astro boy 2009 #trans #transgender #ego.txt #i have SO MUCH love for this robot in my heart okay #🍀

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llatimeria · 2 months

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previously i had known you to be against incest and other similar kinks, but because of a post you reblogged earlier, can i assume you are now in support of it? it would be nice to have a clear answer in case it was somehow a mistake but as it was reblogged directly from op (who is open about their views on that) i find that harder to believe.

incest is bad, and incestuous abuse is absolutely life-ruining for a lot of real people, including people i care deeply about, and i personally am just not into it. it's less about me being "okay with incest now" (i am still. not, really) and more like... half "i have bigger problems than what strangers on the internet jack off about", half "i no longer trust random callouts that demonize vulnerable people, and even if I did believe every single accusation implicitly, the callout reaction really doesn't help with any of it; it doesn't help the victim at all (if anything, it can put them in harm's way by publicizing their abuse, which usually leads to them getting even more abused), it neither punishes nor rehabilitates the abuser in any meaningful way, and seems to only benefit the angry mob who get to jerk off to how cool and morally pure they are", and half "those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".

basically it's a complicated subject. if by asking if i "support incest", you mean "would i molest my family members, or knowingly support people who have molested their family members" then the answer is "jesus fucking christ, absolutely not". if you meant "do you think incest is a fine thing to jack off to" tbh no not even that, i still think that's not especially cool. there's a reason it's taboo beyond just "i don't like it". it really, genuinely hurts people*. if you meant "do i have such a strong aversion to even the slightest possibility of being on the same side as an incestuous abuser that i'm willing to participate in a reactionary hate mob that, for all i know, was rallied up by transmisogynists in order to ruin some poor woman's life" then the answer is yes, i guess? accusing lgbt people, especially trans women, of being incestuous pedos is a a time-honored tradition of many homophobes and transphobes, so i don't really want to be a participant in that anymore.

*but then again so does half the shit i like. like, i'm into vore. vore in real life would literally kill people. not to mention that some people read furry stuff as bestiality - it's not, but there's no one authority on what is or isn't evil. no one person or group decides this, and we all have to decide for ourselves where our boundaries are.

there IS also an argument to be made that not caring about it, or at least not reacting with overt disgust and violence, helps normalize incest, which might make incestuous abuse more common or make it more difficult for survivors of abusive incestuous relationships to speak out about their experiences, which would Obviously Be Bad, and I don't really have a good rebuttle for it tbh. the ol' "fiction doesn't affect reality" battlecry is still kind of bullshit on the face of it, fiction demonstrably affects the way people behave. but also people aren't entirely mindless robots that are programmed to simulate whatever they find on e621? most of us have higher brain functions that allow us to do things like consentually negotiate morally gray kinks so people can have fun playing pretend without hurting themselves or others, and i don't really think the people who are selfish enough to genuinely molest members of their family for their own enjoyment are going to be especially influenced by porn? real abuse centers around predatory power dynamics more than literal sexuality and kinks anyway. the venn diagram isn't a circle or two circles, it's a venn diagram, you know?

tl;dr i can't tl;dr my thoughts on this subject you're just gonna have to read the post.

#sorry if any of this sounds dismissive but also come on. 'can i assume you support it now?'

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