#half of it’s my personality and the other half is major depressive disorder and a disdain for being alive | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wormshirt · 5 months

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As someone who uses a mobility aid and has muscular tension that cause me general body and joint pain and stiffness from the hips down on both sides what would kill me with doctor who wouldn't be the running it'd be the fucking stairs. They don't always have stairs in doctor who but oh boy when they do. I can run super fast and then inevitably injure my hips and suffer through it and keep limping along through the pain but if it's a flight of stairs between me and safety I'm so dead. If I don't take those stairs 1 step at a time my knees WILL lock or my muscles will throw such a massive hissy fit that it'll take me TWICE the time it takes your average person to go up those stairs and I will be killed or kinapped or put through some strange and unusual scifi horror by step 3. The doctor and I (limping) run down 50000000 hallways and we reach the end of a hall with only a reasonably sized staircase on the other end of it and the doctor immediately starts vaulting up the steps 3 at a time until he turns around and notices that I have stopped completely at the bottom of the steps to stare at him blithely. He starts trying to get me to go up the stairs or ask what the hell I think I'm doing and I slowly lower myself back down to the ground and cross my arms over my chest and begin reciting funeral prayers with a serene smile. The big evil monster comes after me and I am eaten. Badly. The doctor yells NOOOOO really loud and cries a little maybe idk and then is emo about it for like half a season until they end up back by the staircase in a season finale or something and it's revealed that the stairs are magic stairs that preserve the conciousness of any ugly ass bitch who hates staircases enough and the doctor is implied to have know this all along. and the doctor gives me some heartbroken major depressive disorder poster child look and a little speech about how they "couldn't have come back here for blah blah excuses reasons" and I smile sweetly and say "why the fuck didn't you have an emergency exit strategy or some shit incase the guy who uses a fucking cane couldn't do some shit like go up stairs super fast because he uses a fucking cane. Hello. Not even mad. Are you stupid. You are a timelord. Your people let your gay ass fuck off to who knows where because you're the dumbest timelord ever and they couldn't stand your stupid ass. I can't believe I'm stuck on this gay ass space station with this lame ass death for all of eternity because you didn't think that the guy who struggles to go up stairs would struggle to go up stairs. You wanna know what the alien said to me before he ate me. He said hey that dude you're here with sucks so bad and is stupid and gay and lame as hell. And I would have said 'yeah lol' but then he ate me. He ate me because of stairs doctor. Stairs." And then I'd stay forever trapped with my soul in that staircase just so I could spend the rest of enternity sending spam calls and telemarketers to the tardis phone. The doctor's investigating something outside an alien bar somewhere and sees ads like XXX Brittany Wants To Spend a NIGHT With YOU Sexy! Hot Singles in your area! Call here for a night of FUN! HOT SINGLE Xxeksifloryean Milfs Looking For a MATE in GALAXIES NEAR YOU!!!!❤️❤️❤️ and softly puts a hand on the posters and goes "I'm sorry I couldn't save you....." five seconds later jerry from *TOTALLY REAL* intergalactic statefarm NOT A FAKE NOT A SCAM calls up the doctor on the TARDIS phone to ask about the doctor's insurance info. Somewhere I kick an ugly ass step on a stupid fucking staircase and break my ghost toe. I hop around and start swearing.

#doctor who #dw #long post #the doctor #bangers #<-original post tag

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lucid-daydreaming-art · 2 months

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intro post whoopee!!!

hi guys im lucid :D you can also call me daylin i don’t really care but i may be like woah how do you know my name (i will forget about making this post 2 seconds after posting it) also I AM AN ADULT im 22 and i do not use pronouns just use my name pleaseeeeeee if you have a disability that makes words hard to process i understand if that’s difficult you can just use they/them instead

first off just getting this out there if youre proship, zoo, pedo, incest supporter, endo system supporter, any kind of discriminatory against protected minority groups, and anti-otherkin, shoo. dont want you here youre not welcome. bye bye my content isnt for you.

immmmm an infp-t 4w5 sanguine-melancholic existential-intrapersonal-visual learner seer of heart prospit dreamer true neutral rogue shifter airbender and dragon type trainer for all you personality label freaks

i like to DRAW!!!!! this is an art blog!!!! i will only post art here, all of my reblogs will be on @trickstergemini save for the posts my close friends make that i want to support here. sometimes i will post just text but thats only if i really need to let you guys known something or im answering a question

my commissions are OPEN!!!!!!!! right now they are strictly on emergency status, which means you choose the price and what i draw and ill agree if its not ridiculously unfair. check back soon for it to be changed to fixed price commissions though

im AUTISTIC i am on that mf spectrum been diagnosed since i was three. for me this means im not naturally fluent in social norms or what’s expected from an interaction or how to read others very well. i also have heavy special interests and find it really hard to turn the conversation away from something im fixating on or specially interested in. i also have extremeeeee sensory issues and a hard time being completely flexible when im comfortable in a routine so just be patient with me man adjustments are hard for me. my empathy is also extremely low and im a really really high masking person so if i come off as well versed or allistic just know that i either took a million years to format the right way to say things or i am entirely going off a predetermined script and will fumble if caught off guard. other important stuff ive got adhd bpd cptsd and major depressive disorder which all those combined makes me really flaky when it comes to responding or follow through. i may not reply to you for like 500 years or maybe i will be gods speediest most motivated soldier. just don’t expect me to be a readily available fully capable robot ok?? ok.

i am one half of @ask-kas-n-lamp the other half is some guy i don’t know he just hacked himself into the account and now i have to deal with him

in all seriousness mod dum, aka @unoriginal-and-dumb or unodum or unoriginal or whatever u know him by, thats my qpp thats my platonic soulmate my bestest friend my number one crate my brain cyst the doctor has to surgically remove from me my parasocial relationship my stalker my servant i keep locked up in my basement and i feed him cement and staples for every meal and for dessert maybe he gets rust shavings. he will be featured in my art like a lot or in my comments and reblogs and i will also be present in his stuff sometimes. if im drawing kasper im drawing his design, that design is not made by me its made by him sooo you should check him out and support him if you like that style or how about instead we get a mass unfollowing going there and you all come to my page and i exclusively will draw his design of kasper and get all the credit lets do that instead

if my requests are closed that means theyre closed EXCEPT for lampert requests those will always be open please ask me to draw him and i will take like three weeks but will happily draw him

uuueeehhhmmm my special interests are pokemon homestuck regretevator geography disney parks and personality psychology. i guess i also am specially interested in dragons but its less of an ill infodump to you interest and more of an i want to be surrounded by this thing because it brings me extreme comfort because it feels like me. i am otherkin im a dragon and i look like this:

i will also represent myself like this if im feeling it:

yes i know i am not actually a physical dragon and im not a spiritual kinner i kin for identity purposes and the fact that i feel some pretty intense crippling species dysphoria idk ive been like this since i was 5 i don’t really have memories of my life where i wasnt experiencing animalistic behaviors and instincts

my favorite music artists are s3rl twenty øne piløts onerepublic imagine dragons of monsters and men thefatrat glass animals ajr queen nine inch nails and muse my favorite medias are httyd movies pokemon homestuck regretevator invader zim our flag means death infinity train gravity falls rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead doctor who my little pony fim dont starve and the mcelroy brothers content

heres some more characters i represent myself as:

ok BYE

#me #about

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50cal-fullauto-astarion · 11 months

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König HCs

Because why not lads. These are some of my personal ones regarding the lore I’ve put together for him. TW: untreated mental illness, childhood neglect, burn injuries, surgical trauma. Uh, some other shit, too, probably. Idfk reader beweader you’re in for a sceader.

Bro has BPD. It covers a lot of the beloved fanon interpretation of him being clingy and hot/cold and scared of being left. He’s got Fear Of Abandonment Syndrome, and he’s like 10% more likely to make a fucky wucky on himself and end up sleeping in the forever box.

Source: I have it and my baby girl only gets the best of the worst from me.

H a t e s d o c t o r s. And hospitals, and surgical procedures, and anything of the like. He’s probably already got more health issues than a blue blood racehorse just from his sheer size alone - prone to heart issues and musculoskeletal strain - but there’s no way on god’s green earth that he hasn’t been through a handful of major procedures because he’s diagnosed with human knife block and bullet sponge disorders respectively.

Sub-point A: born with a cleft palette and lip. Palette was corrected, has a turned second incisor as a result. Lip was botched. Pulled a pot of boiling sugar off a stove and burnt a big-ass portion of his face, neck, chest, and stomach. Multiple painful reconstructive and corrective surgeries to deal with keloid scarring.

Sub-point B: psychology might help OTHER people, but HE is built DIFFERENT. He’s not crazy, you see, and if you suggest otherwise you’ll suddenly develop a case of Backpfeifengesicht and he’ll provide the violence. DBT? That’s Dick and Ball Torture, babey.

Despite this, he lies through his teeth at psych evals. He knows the “right” answers, and he is not going to get his livelihood taken away from him, even if it’s not exactly what he wanted. If he’s answering for his own actions, he can swerve and intuit what thing will calm things down the most and get him the smallest punishment.

Developed most of his wheedling skills as a kid, parents were neglectful as shit. Mostly disregarded him during his upbringing. Youngest of three, an eldest sister and a brother. Not in contact with any of them.

He’s 34. I don’t know if I’ve accepted him being a Colonel into my heart as my lord and savior, I’m still figuring that one out until there’s more concrete canon material besides a loading screen.

Grew up in a hoarder house of apathy, alcoholism, and depression and it was DISGUSTING. Black mold, water damage, trash everywhere, travel lanes carved through the most useless fucking junk. His parents bred Doberman dogs to sell as guard/security dogs, and some lived in the house, adding to the filth and destruction. He can’t stand a dirty house, and as an adult has an insane cleaning routine. Often stress cleans. You could eat off his bathroom floors.

He Does Not Like Dogs. Period. He especially hates Dobermans. He doesn’t like dog breeders worth a fuck either, good or bad.

Did not have any sort of media or anything as a kid. Parents didn’t spend money on tech or pop culture stuff, they were kind of stuck 30 years behind everyone else. His parents were older when he was born, he was very unplanned and not particularly warmly welcomed. Kept himself entertained out in the boonies, did a lot of reading, learned to juggle, learned to juggle knives. Had a big brokedown half-draft horse to take the kennel dogs on longer walks in the country, horsebacked a lot.

Soon as he was in the army, away from his family home, and living on his own, he got his first cell phone and computer and pretty much started living on the internet. He’s self taught in a couple of programming languages, very tech literate, halfway kind of lives on Reddit (narrowly swerved getting redpilled, thank fuck) on his personal time, and built his own PC set up. Built one for Horangi, too, and gives Stiletto advice on her own build when she asks for it.

H E H A T E S K L A U S

Bc I said so, everyone I love hates Klaus. All my homies fuckin hate Klaus.

König was raised secular Jewish, really doesn’t know all that much about it and didn’t get a bris or bar mitzvah, it’s just like Yeah That’s What I Put On Papers to him. Klaus is always getting in his shit about Austria and WW2. König’s grandparents made it out of the camps and went on to become: a microbiologist, a professor at the Austrian University of Veterinary Medicine, a multi term mayor of a small village/candy maker, and a beloved homemaker. The brilliance of the family seemed to leech out with each passing generation, and König sees himself as the dead end of it all.

König has rocked Klaus’s shit about the shitty jokes before and will do it again.

Favorite rugby club is South Africa, and he has an intense crush on Faf de Klerk even though he’s been traded to Japan. He’s kind of hot for all scrum halves tho lbr here.

Lunch break is over and this is ridiculous, will probably do more later.

#könig #konig #konig call of duty #könig mw2 #call of duty #mw2 #konig cod #idk I just slap tags around and go hehe #my head canons

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whumpsday · 8 months

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absolutely feel free to ignore this if you don't wanna answer it (i know that some people love this question but others don't) but do any of your K&J OC's have mental disorders? Like adhd, autism, ocd or any of that stuff (outside of PTSD of course)?

i've seen some stuff in certain chapters that i really relate to as a neurodivergent person, like kane enjoying fidgeting with things and laken's struggles with personal boundaries/certain social cues.

whether you feel comfortable confirming or not, i still absolutely love and appreciate those little moments of representation, but i just thought i'd ask :D

yeah!! this is a story about trauma so obviously like half the cast has ptsd. i have my own slew of stuff (depression, anxiety, ocd, adhd, ptsd, and an ed). some of this is less "i'm setting out to write a character with x" and more "ooh someone told me a cool headcanon i'm making canon" so i'll indicate when that's the case lol

kane - ptsd, binge eating disorder (upcoming in ch.55), and i didn't originally write him with the intent, but @whumpshaped has brought up reading kane as having bpd and it kind of fits rly well. i've been a bit nervous about making that canon bc kane was an abuser in arc 1 and there's a lot of stigma associated with that when it comes to bpd, and i didn't wanna add to that? though i feel that kane is enough of a well-rounded character that it would be okay?

jim - ptsd, major depression, definitely would have developed a substance abuse disorder if liz wasn't taking care of him but that was avoided

liz - adhd, ptsd (from watching her parents die as a kid)

bellamy - generalized anxiety disorder (he's pretty good at coping with it), a bunch of common phobias if that counts (bugs, heights, etc)

laken - i didn't write them with the intent, but i like your reading of laken as autistic so i'll make it canon :) why not!

graham - social anxiety disorder (had that pre-whump), ptsd

anton doesn't have anything he's just an asshole. his sadistic behavior is based off the concept of energy vampires, vampires who feed off the negative emotions of others- in his case more a metaphorical feeding than a literal one.

#ask #k&j ask

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dr-aegon · 3 months

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What kind of illnesses do you treat aegon for if you’re his doctor ? Is he ok?

thank you for the ask! let me preface this by saying: this is going to be my half baked headcanon and totally not serious. also i’m drawing from both the book and the show, randomly. and english is my second language. basically it’s gonna be a mess. i just hope it’s an enjoyable mess. if you don’t agree with me? great. treat this as an opinion of an internet nobody and move on!

alright, i think we all agree that Aegon is not okay. an okay person do not jack off towards the sun probably, whilst standing on the windowsill completely naked. someone could catch him in the action. he could be easily fall to his death. i am not an arbiter of okay-ness, but i don’t think an okay person would do that for shits and giggles.

then what could be wrong with Aegon? here’s some possible diagnoses in my opinion as a very unqualified doctor.

1. Depressive Disorders

(Major Depressive Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia))

in the book Aegon is described as follows:

The groom(Aegon II) was fifteen years of age; a lazy and somewhat sulky boy, Septon Eustace tells us, but possessed of more than healthy appetites, a glutton at table, given to swilling ale and strongwine and pinching and fondling any serving girl who strayed within his reach.

this is the septon’s account. i would assume he’s got this impression of Aegon mostly from observing him in the formal settings, where the prince would be at least somewhat conscientious. Alicent or Otto would have asked him to behave, and if the show!Aegon’s tearful claims mean anything, that could be him trying to do what he was asked for.

if so, in his privacy, where he could put his guard down, he could’ve had been worse than what he’s appeared to be, because he doesn’t have to pretend when he’s alone. and if he has to put extra effort every time he goes outside of his chambers, he would want to avoid going out at all eventually. it’s a waste of energy, especially so if you’re already depressed and low in energy. all of this is just a conjecture of mine, but i do think that it’s fair to say he has depression.

2. Trauma-and Stressor-Related Disorders

(Reactive Attachment Disorder)

Reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which an infant or young child doesn't establish healthy attachments with parents or caregivers. Reactive attachment disorder may develop if the child's basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren't met and loving, caring, stable attachments with others are not established. (Mayo Clinic)

it seems this is very likely Aegon’s case. Alicent was a young, unprepared, lonely, and quite frightened mother. i would imagine Alicent would’ve had hard time forming attachment with baby Aegon. he was an embodiment of her suffering. also, he’s not wholly hers. he belongs to the realm more than her. even though Viserys never named him the heir, he was at least a spare and have certain values and standards to achieve for that.

so Alicent must felt like she couldn’t let Aegon to be just her son. she had to make sure he’s perceived to be worthy of the Iron Throne. which Aegon was arguably not that. he was reluctant to marry Helaena, he had little understanding of his family’s political positions and what kind of danger they were facing. in the show he appeared as a weird ass boy who has no shame, less dutiful than his younger brother, and many other worse things.

for that Otto would kick him around, Alicent would forcefully grab his face and slap him. it must’ve happened often enough. i could imagine if Otto and Alicent would comfortably abuse him in public, they wouldn’t be deterred in any other situation. whenever he missteps, he would’ve been punished.

Alicent wasn’t just Aegon’s mother, she was his handler, more like. i would not say there wasn’t any comfort, affection or nurturing. at least i think there couldn’t have enough to nullify the abuse. not enough to form loving, caring, stable attachments between them. he’s unsure if Alicent loves him at all. he asked her directly right before his execution coronation, and even then Alicent never said she loved him explicitly. whatever complicated meaning of love “you imbecile” implies, Aegon most likely felt just rejected, again.

okay this is getting too long. but the next two i would show you rather than tell you.

3. Dissociative Disorders

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder

4. Alcohol use disorder

again, he’s said to be;

given to swilling ale and strongwine

is this too long? of course. am i reaching? oh absolutely. is this logically sound? ahaha don’t push it.

personally i feel bad for him. Aegon was born into becoming a disappointment, beaten and berated for it, always falls short despite his efforts. he never wanted any of it, but when the war broke in earnest, he accepted his fate and did what he was supposed to do. for that he’s burnt, broken, and lost everything. his story has so many fascinating arcs.

if anyone read all of this atrocity, know that i love you and please be nice to me. have a great day/night!

#asks #answered #aegon ii targaryen #aegon ii headcanon #my headcanon #anonymous

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npdvents · 3 months

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Half venting half asking for desperate advice

I've been in a near constant narc crash state for over six months now, ever since enrolling in college due to the abuse I go through daily + the endless self inflicted pressure to be perfect and get the best grades on everything. Genuinely does anyone have any advice?

Knowing I have NPD is really fresh (only learned last month) and as such I have no idea how to properly deal with this, never in my life have I been able to deal with crashes ofc especially not knowing what they were, but this is one of the worst periods of depression I've ever had. I miss how I used to feel back when I still had any semblance of highs. I'm so lost and so tired of living. What do I even do to recover from such a major crash?

Thank you in advance y'all fellow pwNPD are all amazing, mwahhh 🫶 !!

When it comes to juggling school and NPD crashes I’m genuinely not the one to ask as I dropped out of high school and didn’t know how to juggle school with my other known disorders at the time.

If anyone else has any advice for this person that would be greatly appreciated!

Also, you’re amazing too!! 💖

#npd vent #npd advice #actually narcissistic #actually npd #cluster b safe #narcissistic personality disorder #npd safe #npd

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ablednt · 11 months

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I don't get gatekeeping cripple from people tbh

"If they're just ND and not also physically disabled they use the term but are sometimes ableist" implying??? That physically disabled people who reclaim cripple aren't often blatantly fucking ableist as well?

Idk like it's not that I don't get the frustration when mentally ill people who aren't visibly physically disabled don't take the time to actually listen to us and say stuff like "you wouldn't do this to a wheelchair user" about stuff that happens to us constantly

But as a mentally ill person who's also physically disabled there is just as much ableism against me in the cripplepunk communities from disabled people who consider themselves NT. Like if that's the logic we're going by then only people with both "physical" and "mental" disabilities could use cripple because plenty of y'all will be violently ableist to people with stigmatized illnesses.

"You can't use cripple you're not physically disabled" what are you? A fucking cop?

1. How are you defining physically abled because the vast majority of mentally ill people I know also have a lot of physical symptoms. It can be difficult to tell between anxiety or a stomach disorder and heart problem, depression and chronic fatigue, or adhd / dissociative disorders and brain fog. Half of the fucking time someone you think isn't physically disabled actually is.

2. Are we really going to pretend that the ableism faced by the mentally disabled community is any different than the physical one? Deaf people get called retarded, congitively disabled people and people with severe ptsd get called crippled, etc.

3. When you try to make rules for a punk community around reclaiming a slur you sound ridiculous lol. People are going to do whatever they're going to do. You can call them assholes if you don't like it but you don't get to make decisions for the whole community.

Like I get "y'all are reclaiming cripple but still being ableist" but the answer is to attack the actual ableism instead of focusing on whether or not they have enough marginalized points to use a word.

Just oh my god shut up thats not how punk movements work ND people belong in the community they just have to accept that if they're ableist they're getting called assholes and people aren't going to like them. Punk movements aren't psrsonal vetted spaces when you try to decide for others whether or not they belong you sound stupid.

#its always so fuckin annoying when this discourse comes up #being crippled isn't fucking attached to specific disabilities its being seen as a failure to society because of what you cannot do #cripple pride is celebrating laziness and slowness and all of the traits associated with being disabled #im about to gatekeep everyone without a cognitive disability/j you sound like an academic jerk #you're not less ableist because you have a visible disability

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gloomythedance · 1 month

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Woah, could you tell us more about your house that was inhabited by demons? I’m glad you’re alright :0

on it, boss

and thanks!

ok this is going to be veeerrry personal. mental health, religion, stuff

so i rented out a room inside of a condo for my sophomore-senior year of college with two other people. It was a narrow house, with all the bedrooms on the 2nd floor. Mine was at the top of the stairs, the rest were down a hallway. In retrospect, we had nothing that would leak gases into the house that would make us hallucinate or feel weird. everything indoors was electric, and the water heater was in an outdoor room with open-air access outside. However, we had no carbon monoxide meter, so. that's for anyone to speculate.

I started noticing that feeling of being watched coming from down the hallway on days when I was there alone, but I shrugged it off and attributed it to the fact I've felt that way ever since I was a little kid (to the point I had phobias of dark windows, closets, mirrors, and photos with eyes in them)

Walking towards my roommate's room always felt like I was descending into a pit. Like sudden full-body goosebumps, intense thoughts like "go away. go away turn around", it seeming 2x darker than the rest of the hallway, etc.

At some point I started seeing stuff back there, but turning to look at it directly, there'd be nothing. I just kinda treated it all like whatever. When i was 13 i had major depressive disorder to the point I developed hallucinations for a brief time. I just figured it was the same old stuff.

Until my roommates started talking about it. They knew about it for a long time. they called it "the house ghost" and hoped it was friendly. I didn't really care about it then either. It wasn't a problem, especially when my roommates were there.

then suddenly, i was alone. my a-spiritual roommate graduated and moved out, and the roommate whose room was at the back of the hall- her mental health got so bad that she had to move back home. ✨ForeShadowing✨. She would visit occasionally, but I was alone most of the time, and this was when covid started so I was stuck inside the house all day, too.

I do not know when or why they were there. I don't know why they were rooted onto that last room. at one point I braved the hallway and opened my roommate's room (I had to put something of hers inside). I didn't get a good look around, but there was a giant band poster taking up half of her wall that was just a very large hastily-painted eye. literally no idea if that's significant in any way lmao, it just scared the crap out of me (see eye phobia). Later on, that same roommate left a wiccan book on the kitchen counter. Are demons attracted to things like that? the book probably, but the rest, I am unsure. I don't know how many other wiccan or new age things like that she had in her room either. I can only speculate on whether or not she intentionally invited them, unintentionally did, or if they were there before all of us.

I am unsure why I believed there were three. I think it felt like three.

well, at this point it becomes a lot more subjective. All i can describe it as is: the things in the house reallllyyy didnt like me, and their old target left.

I didn't know a lot of my own promises as a Christian, like that demons couldn't hurt me or anything and that I am inherently protected and etc etc. I did not know I had authority over them and could tell them to skedaddle. I was afraid of them, and honestly that's the worst thing a person can be lol. I do think demons can *torment* someone, but only if they're given permission to. I mean, they could never hurt me -directly-, only... bother me, a lot. especially attacking places where i was still broken inside, and bringing up things and mental problems i struggled with a lot in the past

I was quite happy at this point in my life, even with the isolation. I really didn't like being in school, though. content warning for this next paragraph, self injurious ideation:

But out of the blue, I started getting intense intrusive thoughts about self harm and suicide. It was near constant sentences sounding off in my head. I say that, because I don't naturally have an internal monologue. So I... attributed it to the isolation. I didn't pay attention to the fact that it only happened when I was inside the house. After a few months of that, it started stressing me out. One day, my very religious mother visited, and I had to leave for a few hours. When I got back, she pulled me aside and said that the whole time she was in my room, something kept trying to tell her to jump off my balcony, among other things. She started blasting praise music through speakers, but said "for some reason, it was really, really difficult." I think i just started crying. I asked her how many demons there were in the house. she said, "three." Gosh, I wish I knew how to tell them off at the time. anyway

She didn't know how I could live through that every day for the last however long it was. I didn't know either. It didn't get better after that. Normally, they couldn't come in my room, full stop. but there was one time i unintentionally agreed with something demonic (i didnt think it was inherently bad on the surface) and didn't realize, that night I saw someone standing in my room. eventually, i printed out Bible verses and taped them to all of the walls around the house so I could recite them as I walked to my room.

unfortunately that was also the start of me not being able to listen to secular music, bc some bands would also bring them closer.

As far as I myself went, I started having intense mood swings, nightmares, depressive episodes, the most major dissociation i've ever experienced in my life, and the stress started ruining my digestive system to the point where I had to stop eating solid food for a little bit. That was the beginning of my last 3 years of sickness.

i made a funny tiktok that no longer exists online making fun of the whole house situation, and im quite proud of it but it has my face in it, so no one gets to see it :P

I FINALLY got out of the house, and moved away, but sadly my problems stuck. persistent indigestion and malnutrition worsened mental health to the point I stopped making enough neurotransmitters to feel emotions and sleep and have a normal memory, i was absolutely tortured with different things. i was so afraid of messing up and making demons hurt me (which was a lie. a lie very useful for them)(i believe it's called legalism, which, bad). I was a complete mess, physically mentally spiritually.

but yeah it took 3 years to learn that i can just. act in the authority i was given. fully believe im protected and forgiven and healed, even in my mind. command things to leave and they have to. i also started listening to music again, bc i know things cannot hurt me anymore. i dont have to be afraid of anything. ever again.

i'm all better now, i havent had neurotransmitter problems in ages, my stomach is healed, i get to exercise soon, the mood swings went away, i rarely ideate bad things, i dont remember my last depressive episode, and i havent had intrusive or bad thoughts in a while! i mean im still kind of weird and eccentric but that's to be expected

#yeah sorry theres so little Action involved #i did NOT see stuff fly around. too bad #just a bunch of mental stuff and Christian lingo #there's a decent amount of stuff i dont remember about the experience simply bc the anxiety ate away at my memory #but those are the important parts #i think

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craig-f-tucker · 2 years

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On today's episode of "What's Wrong With Robin?": Cyclothymia! Tune in under the cut where I explain in detail why I think Teen Titans Go Robin has cyclothymia or potentially another brand of bipolar!

(ps I'm making this as a mentally ill person with an interest in mental illnesses lol, this is going to be just as much an infodump about cyclothymia as about Robin)

Cyclothymia a subtype of bipolar disorder, involves episodes of hypomania and depressive symptoms which are not qualifiable as major depression. Note that Bipolar I does not require depressive episodes for diagnosis, and that in this situation i am using the slightly less intense diagnosis with the knowledge that because we only see the sides of Robin's life that are funny or that he shows with his friends, he might have further symptoms to elevate him to Bipolar I or II that just aren't shown on screen.

When it comes to the emotional problems that trouble Robin in daily life, he has:

- Intense emotional reactions, specifically strong irritability and intense excitement

- periods of extreme excitement in which he is unhindered by criticism, talks faster, and is often more productive in things that he enjoys and forces the other titans to be too. (This meets the criteria for a hypomanic episode.)

- if this doesn't sound like a problem to you, to quote an actual episode:

Beast boy: don't you ever get tired of being excited about everything?

Robin (excitedly): Yes I do!!! That's why I'm in therapy to lower my blood pressure!!!

- I list these as "periods of excitement" as this is not a constant state, in other situations he switches to being very irritable and angry, sometimes lonely, and often insecure. These are less intense, and he is usually still very focused on work and forcing himself to fight and be vigilant. The lack of a full major depressive episode despite some depressive symptoms and a continued lack of stability is why I ruled out Bipolar I and II right away, but one can still be depressed while being productive which frankly? I think Robin is, he is incredibly stressed and channels a lot of that into anger.

Cyclothymia can occur in any age group but typically starts during teenage years to early adulthood, a category which Robin falls under as a teenager.

Environmental factors that can contribute to developing this disorder are traumatic experiences and prolonged periods of stress, both of which Robin has experienced or is experience (the whole teen titans thing is incredibly stressful for him, not the crime fighting part the monster roommates who bully you constantly and never listen to you part. He canonically became the disaster he is as a reaction to the stress he dealt with just on his first meeting with them, and he still is with them constantly. Sorry for the titans slander, they're not that bad but that doesn't change the effect they have on Robin which is what we're focused on right now.)

In simple terms, here is which of the Wikipedia diagnostic criteria Robin falls under.

"Cyclothymia is classified in DSM-5 as a subtype of bipolar disorder. The criteria are:

1. Periods of elevated mood and depressive symptoms for at least half the time during the last two years for adults and one year for children and teenagers." ✅️, he has been experiencing this through the series, and according to raven, each new rock animal comes a year after the previous, making a ttg season a year. (Don't worry abt the fact that doesn't make continuity sense, cartoon characters don't age. like in canon they're in a cartoon.)

"2. Periods of stable moods last only two months at most." ✅️ He has never been stable for more than like, an episode or two in a row ill be honest. And considering there are 50+ episodes in a ttg year, so even if we round to exactly 50, greater than 2 months would have to be at least 9 episodes in a row of stability. This has never happened.

"3. Symptoms create significant problems in one or more areas of life." ✅️ Robin was unable to form the team he wanted because of his irritability, and is generally unable to handle being in a team because of it. His stress with his life also causes him to lash out at people and hurt criminals when they're not even doing anything. His hypomanic episodes on the other hand interrupt his ability to fight crime, as he will literally not care about potential disaster because he's just so excited and happy and would rather infodump about his interests.

"4. Symptoms do not meet the criteria for bipolar disorder, major depression, or another mental disorder." ✅️ as far as we can see, he does not have enough depressive symptoms to qualify for depression or Bipolar II, and does not experience intense or interruptive enough mania for Bipolar I. Once again though, we don't see his whole life, it is fully possible he could experience those more intense symptoms and thus suffer Bipolar I or II.

"5. Symptoms are not caused by substance use or a medical condition." ✅️ no substance use here, his behaviour is not caused by a medical condition as far as we're aware. (Once again, slightly limited by not seeing his whole life by which I mean not actually being his therapist.)

Call in now for 2 free shorter BONUS explanations of why Robin could have ADHD and why he could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder! (That's an actual offer if u wanna send an ask lol)

#ttg #teen titans go #ttg robin #robin #robin teen titans go #robin ttg #cyclothymia #mental illness #bipolar disorder

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cookinguptales · 1 year

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That last post I just reblogged was fascinating to me because it was obviously a joke but it actually lined up so well with a common PMDD symptom of mine that I was writing about it in the tags. Then I kind of thought about it again and realized OP doesn’t deserve all that in the tags of their joke post so like. I guess I’ll put those thoughts here instead.

(under a cut, cw: frank discussion of mental illness)

Like I’ll warn here that I’m about to talk about mental illness in some pretty explicit terms. I have Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder (in addition to Major Depressive Disorder) and for the most part I have a pretty good handle on it. My depression is treatment resistant, but I did some hormonal treatments for years to help with that, my endometriosis, and my menstruation-induced EDS complications.

(Have you ever had menstrual cramps so bad that it dislocated your hips and ribs? I have! Every goddamn month lmao.)

About a year and a half ago, I had to stop taking the hormones because they were honestly making certain things worse, so I had to kind of just. Figure out other ways to deal with it. Working with a doctor, a regimen of cannabis tea and ketamine has helped a lot with the physical symptoms, and has helped some with the emotional symptoms. It’s still not perfect (still get bad days sometimes) but my suicidality is way better than it was.

(People with PMDD are apparently estimated to attempt suicide seven times more than the general AFAB population so like. I guess that’s something to keep in mind.)

That said, my ketamine regimen was fucked up recently because of some issues at the doctor’s office and uh. Well, I’m still kind of building the levels back up. The past few periods have been very rough for me. Mostly physically, but I’ve had some emotional issues, too.

This month, my PMDD has been… I guess not as severe as it was in the past, but boy is it lingering. I’ve been very jittery, very anxious, prone to bad mental loops, etc. It’s been about a week at this point, which is on the long side, but you just gotta tough it out, right?

(Don’t worry, guys, I do know when to reach out for help when symptoms get bad, and have done it before in the past.)

Anyway… one of my least favorite symptoms has come out to play and I’m Dealing with it but I hate itttt. It’s the one that the post reminded me of! And that’s the one where you feel guilty for wanting people to love you.

I think… when you’re dealing with something difficult alone, it’s very normal to fantasize about someone helping you through it. Telling you you’re not a bad person, that they love you, hugging you, etc. Normal stuff like that. I think people sometimes use fictional characters, sometimes real people who love them (like family/friends), sometimes people they make up in their head, etc. I think fantasizing about comfort is fairly normal.

But when you’re in the trenches, your mind is like No It Is Not Normal It Is Bad. I have to remind myself that like… in some ways, it’s kind of like an abusive relationship. During bad PMDD spells, my mind wants to hurt me, it wants to kill me, and it wants to separate me from my support systems. Your brain tells you that burdening others with your feelings is Bad and you are Bad for doing it.

This makes it hard to reach out for help when you need it (again, I do know how to do that, I am safe, I know that I have people who would come to my house right now if I needed them to — and failing that, I do know how emergency mental health intake works, too) but also like… it often gets to the point where you feel like a terrible person for even wanting to be loved.

Like — this is hard to explain, so here’s a sample spiral.

(cw: mental illness, suicide mention. I’m going to try and be as realistic as possible here and that might be troubling for some readers.)

I am feeling bad. I am sad and anxious and scared and feel like I am worthless. I want someone to hold me and tell me they love me. I imagine a person I like doing this. I then think — no, you are a bad person. They would not want to do this. You are putting the burden of your feelings on some unsuspecting person again. It is unfair to use a real person as a mental support. You are forcing them into a situation they did not consent to, and you are using them as a crutch. You are a bad, selfish person and they would hate you if they knew you were doing this. You are asking for too much from the people around you; how dare you ask for love and support? You are worthless and no one will love you and imagining them loving you is unfair to them and frankly very invasive. You are being parasitical right now. Stop imagining people doing things they’d never want to do, you’re such a bad person. Don’t you care about their boundaries? Of course you don’t, you always hurt people because you’re selfish and bad and no one will ever like you. So stop imagining them liking you! Just kill yourself and get it over with, etc. You are a bad thing and bad things should go away and you should stop existing. Stop writing RPF about the people you like, that’s even worse than the crime of just being you. Just kill yourself.

And honestly, this will probably go on for a couple hours and there will probably be a lot of crying. >.> It’s good to keep electrolyte solution around because dehydration just makes it worse.

I’ve dealt with MDD for almost my entire life, but PMDD is… different. There’s a sort of exhausted doneness with MDD, like you don’t want to kill yourself, necessarily, you just want to stop existing. PMDD is different. There’s a very loud, very manic aggression to it. Your brain is very actively trying to kill you. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s like being in a crowd of people all screaming at you at once until you cry, and then screaming at you for crying. There is a mob in your head and it hates you.

It is… very, very loud and very difficult to drown out. I can usually catch the warning signs and head things off before I get into a spiral. Going for a walk is good. Helps break the cycle. Creating is good, too. Makes me feel productive and useful to others, which is a whole other can of worms, but it is effective. And if all else fails, I usually weaponize my hyperfixations lmao. Start up an old video game that I know will take all my focus, or start a new tv show that I know I’ll get fannish about, whatever.

This month has been hard because, frankly, it took me by surprise. It’s a little earlier than it should be and I haven’t had to deal with it as much in the past six months, so I guess I got out of the habit. I didn’t notice that I was starting to get kind of stressed and anxious over small stuff and was beating myself up for feeling normal human emotions. This is usually the big warning sign to me. I will latch onto a negative feeling I’m having and feel very guilty about it. I scratch at it like a healing scab. Then the spirals starts. So I have to keep a watch out for that.

But… like I said, I do tend to withdraw and feel guilty about talking about these things. I feel guilty for wanting to depend on others because I feel like that’s asking too much, a miserable person like me demanding attention from people who are too good for me. And once I start withdrawing into myself and not talking to those around me, things get worse.

Like I said!!! Your brain is abusive and it wants to separate you from your support system — so it makes you feel like a bad person for even wanting a support system.

(I find that it helps, actually, to frame it like that. I can tell that my thoughts are starting to get irrational and it’s like “oh, THIS asshole is back to say mean things to me again.”)

So… idk, I’m trying to talk about it. I figure that I tagged this post appropriately and put multiple warnings on it, so anyone who is reading this wants to be here. Maybe out of curiosity, maybe out of support, maybe because they deal with these things, too. idk.

I’m basically telling my mean brain that fuck you, it’s good to talk about my feelings and no one hates me for it.

Because… this is the big thing… I was thinking about that one Tumblr post… the one that was like “the me in your head is nice to you, right?”

I want the me in your head to be so nice to you. I want the me in your head to hold you and tell you you’re a good person and that I love you. Even if I don’t know you. I want the me in your head to be so damn comforting.

I love the idea of being a comfort to people. That’s… why I write so much of why I write, I think. There’s nothing that chokes me up like finding out I’ve managed to comfort someone that I don’t even know. Is there anything more beautiful than comforting and supporting others in this bitch of a world?

NO we gotta be kind.

So… if I want the me in your head to be so, so kind, why do I feel so guilty for wanting the you in my head to be nice to me, too? Why do I feel like I am so innately unlovable that even fantasizing about someone loving me could stain them somehow? Like I will stain their clothes with my own awfulness.

I DON’T. I don’t feel that way. I have been doing so much better lately. I have been reaching out to people and doing fun things and spending time with people and thinking about loving people and them loving me back. I’ve thought about people loving me!!! And I’ve started to have the creeping hope that it could happen! That I am worthy of love.

Guys, I’ve been better. I know that all sounds like not much, but it’s been so easy for me to convince myself that no one will ever love me because I’m sick, I’m disabled, I’m unattractive, I’m unkind, I’m cringe, I’m annoying, I’m selfish, etc. It’s been so easy for me to find a million excuses for why I, out of all the people on this earth, will never be loved.

So… feeling hope that that’s not true is actually a very big thing for me, and something that I’ve been delighting in recently.

All the things in my head are fake and mean and… you know, hormones. That’s all.

Idk, this was meant to be a discussion of one small part of PMDD but I guess it ended up being a ramble about a lot of things. I’ll admit that it’s much more difficult for me to be focused and eloquent when I’m dealing with these symptoms. I had a moment where I wanted to apologize to anyone still reading this, but — instead I’ll thank you for spending your time with my words. For whatever reason you decided to do it, for whatever reason you’re still here, I appreciate that you did it.

I want the version of you in my head to be nice. And I want to thank you for being nice. And I want to be nice to you, too.

In conclusion

Now I’m gonna go take my medication and be quiet for a while.

#just me #personal post #long post #cw:#mental illness #PMDD #MDD #anxiety #self disparagement #seriously this is mostly me rambling about recent mental health issues and I want to be super clear about that #my hormones are Bad lmao #they do Bad things to my brain and my body and I hate them

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casscreva · 1 year

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My OC:

*:･ﾟ✧ Nakia Character Bio *:･ﾟ✧

�� Name: Nakia Leónis Zamir (FC: Matthew Cegielski)

✧ Age: 16 (2023: 21)

✧ Gender: Male

♡ Sexual/Romantic Orientation: Pansexual

✧ Nickname(s): Nana, κακό(evil or wicked in Greek- used in derogatory manner), Kiki, Naki, Zamir

✧ Birthday: Oct 31, 2002

✧ Zodiac Sign: Scorpio ♏️

✧ Godly Parent: Hades

✧ Ethnicity: Greek 🇬🇷

✧ Languages: Sign Language, Greek, English

✧ Blood Type: AB-

✧ Theme Song: VOID- Melanie Martinez

☆*:.｡. The Character’s Appearance .｡.:*☆

✧ Eye color(s): Violet(right eye), Gold(left eye)

✧ Height: 5’5

✧ Weight: 150 lbs

✧ Handedness: Left

✧ Jewelry/Accessories: 2 lobe (both sides), double helix (left side), nostril (right side), septum, nipples (at age 18). He wears an eye patch on his right eye in order to hide it.

☆*:.｡. About the Character .｡.:*☆

✧ Personality: INFJ-T (Turbulent Advocate)

✧ Camp: Half-Blood

✧ Favorites: Cherries, gem mining, different types of tea, watching the stars at night

✧ Least Favorites: Crowded places, boba, loud/problematic people, dragonfruit, grapefruit, being called κακό

✧ Hobbies/Interests: Drawing, reading, playing the harp, and learning the ocarina

✧ Phobias/Fears:

･ claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces)

･ astraphobia (fear of storms)

✧ Habits: Saying sorry, flinching at loud noises, chewing skin off lips, picking at nails, self isolating

✧ Disorders: Dyslexia, Generalized Anxiety disorder, Bi Polar, and Moderate Major Depressive disorder

✧ Disabilities: Hard of hearing

✧ Mannerisms: He is very quiet, doesn’t really speak unless spoken to, and speaks with an accent. He tends to mix Greek words/phrases in while speaking English (Often times he has to end up translating it). When he speaks English, he always signs as he’s talking out of habit. He is very polite, tries to be nice to everyone. Nakia can be VERY stubborn at times He tends to be a bit skittish when talking to new people, often stuttering. Tends to avoid eye contact.

✧ Skills/Talents: Chaos Magic which can allows him to alter reality and control various forms of mystical energy.

✧ Best Qualities: He is the caretaker friend. If any loved one needed anything, he would go to the end of the earth to get it. He is very determined often times and won’t stop until he accomplishes his goals. Very loyal to his friends.

✧ Worst Qualities: His magic is often controlled by his emotions- which can be very dangerous if not monitored. He can be very self-sabotaging and often lets his emotions get the best of him. He can be very quick to anger given the right circumstances. He’s usually a bit too determined- if he doesn’t reach the goals in the way he planned to, he gets extremely frustrated. He is usually extremely anxious and can have a very turbulent personality.

☆*:.｡. The Characters Relationship to Others .｡.:*☆

✧ Reputation: His magic causes many of the campers to either be afraid of him or bully him. There are often rumors about him and his magic roaming around. He doesn’t confirm nor deny them which leads most to assume it’s true. Chiron is more strict with Nakia in opposed to others in the camp.

✧ Love Interest(s): N/A

✧ Friend(s): Annabeth, Will, Nico, and Leo.

✧ Relationship(s):

• Annabeth: She always manages to lighten up Nakia’s mood. She often defends him in many different ways. Nakia can be very protective of her at times, but only when he feels like she can’t/ won’t defend herself.

• Will: Nakia’s best friend. He enjoys watching will play different instruments and is given lessons on how to play them. Will’s personality is the complete opposite of Nakia’s, but that’s what he loves about him.

• Nico: His brother. They weren’t as close until Bianca died, Nakia tried his best to be there for Nico. They became extremely close and often hang out with Will. Nakia is very protective of Nico.

☆*:.｡. The Character’s Abilities .｡.:*☆

✧ Fighting Style: In order to avoid using his magic, Annabeth gave Nakia lessons on different techniques. He is better at hand-to-hand combat because he tends to be more agile. He’s familiar with many different weapon types, but tends to stray away from long-ranged weapons out of preference.

✧ Preferred Weapon(s): Quarterstaff, Spears, and Daggers.

☆*:.｡.(On a scale of 1-10; 1 being terrible and 10 being the best) .｡.:*☆

✧ Knowledge: 7/10

✧ Conceptualization Power: 6/10

✧ Motivation: 7/10

✧ Will to Act: 6/10

✧ Agility: 10/10

✧ Spiritual Power: 5/10

✧ Swordsmanship: 8/10

✧ Hand-to-Hand Combat: 8/10

✧ Long Range Accuracy: 6/10

✧ Offense: 8/10

✧ Defense: 7/10

✧ Social Skills: 2/10

☆*:.｡. The Character’s Familial/Biographical Information .｡.:*☆

✧ Birthplace: Athens, Greece

✧ Family:

• Alcina Zamir: Mother, Deceased

• Astraea Zamir: Little Sister, Deceased

• Ezra Zamir: Little Brother, Deceased

• Hades: Father, Immortal

☆*:.｡. Background .｡.:*☆

Nakia came from a very poor family. His mother, Alcina, was diagnosed with leukemia when he was 4 years old. He had two twin siblings, Astrea and Ezra, with whom he loved dearly. As he got older, his mother fell more and more ill, leaving him to take care of his siblings. Around the age of 7, he was making meals for his family, cleaning up after everyone, and making sure his mother was tended to. His mother ended up dying a year later, sending him and his siblings into foster care. They stayed in foster care until he was 10 years old. He wasn’t aware that he was a demigod, so he had no defense on what monsters would come after him. Eventually the monsters managed to find him, it ended up killing everyone in the foster care including his siblings. The attack ended wounding his right eye, causing him to be blind in that eyes. He managed to escape, hiding somewhere. A beautiful young woman came to him, identifying herself as Eris. She told him that she would bestow a gift to Nakia so that he would never be weak again. In his time of vulnerability, Nakia accepts. When he accepts, the wound on his right eye disappears, and eye turned into a vibrant violet color. Not too long after the incident, he was recruited into camp half blood.

-The eyes were edited to look more accurate to Nakia’s appearance-

#pjo #oc tag

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rainbowxocs · 11 months

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why do you even need to know half of this…

Name: Kaguya Tsukino (かぐや月の) only my friends can call me by “Kaguya”..

Other Names: “Kami” (神) God is also acceptable for you English readers.

Special Titles: Kami of the Moonlight.

Nicknames: Moon Bunny.

Chronological Age: 431

Age: 26.

Pronouns: He/Him (In English.)

I Pronoun: Soregashi (某) (An archaic neutral pronoun, gives off extreme neutrality, as if the person doesn’t want you to know who they are.)

Sexuality: Demisexual, Demiromantic, Gay.

Gender: Trans Guy.

Species: Kami. obviously.

Disorders: Anxiety, Autism, Major Depressive Disorder, Bulima, Contamination OCD, AVPD, Compulsive Lying, CPTSD.

Religion: Atheist. you shouldn’t trust gods.

Job: Owner of the Maid/Cat Cafe.

Lives in: Okutama, Japan, 2024.

Languages: Japanese + Most Languages.

Height: 6ft

Ethnicity: Lunarian, Japanese.

Accent: Completely Monotone.

Animal Form: Barn Owl, Rabbit. hoot. or whatever.

Powers: Was Born Powerless. Can however do human magic, can hear other peoples thoughts, and has divination. it’s awful.. I feel cursed sometimes..

Alignment: Neutral.

Text Color: Blue.

Main Hobbies: Entomology, Reading, Resin Art, Bug Pinning, Origami, Bonsai, Crochet, DND, Trinket Collecting, Shogi.

I only eat specific things.. I’m incredibly picky..

Favorite Drink: Sakura Tea, Pu’er Tea, L’Original Marie Antoinette Tea, Strawberry Shortcake Tea.

Favorite Fruit: Peaches.

Favorite Snacks: Apples and Peanut Butter, Ants on a Log, Broccoli, Honey.

Favorite Foods: Chicken Noodle Soup, Animal Sushi, Rice and Nori.

Favorite Candy: Gummy Bears, KitKats, Lollipops, Matcha Pocky, Jelly Beans, 3D Gummies.

Favorite Desserts: Jello, Mooncakes, Astronaut Icecream, Gourmet Marshmallows.

Weapon: Kunai.

Favorite Flower: Orchids

Scent: Orchids.

Awareness: VERY Aware. (Effect: Negative.)

Birthday: January 1st 1592 (Leo, Dragon, AB.)

Theme:

Playlist:

Fun Facts: i dislike this whole biography thing.

Special Interests: Entomology, Fairytales, Paintings.

Stims: Tends to stim with fabric or his clothing. But also has a pair of dice he stims with.

Comfort Objects: His collection of rabbit plushies, his jacket, His dice, His sailor moon collection, His Ear Defenders.

Stimboard: LINK

Moodboard: LINK

Fashionboard: LINK

Family: Tsukuyomi, Nayotake (Parents) they abandoned me. So.. not really family..

Friends: Uru (BFF), Damian.

Romance: None.

Enemies:

Are. I despise that woman.

Hwan. I think that Hwan has the IQ of a rock. And that’s an insult to rocks.

Pets:

Rolo (ロロ) (Pug) my baby.

also my babies.

Hichew (ハイチュウ)(Emperor Scorpion)

Whopper (うぉっぺっ) (Blue Tarantula)

Skittle (スキットルズ) (Rainbow Stag Beetle)

Taiki (タイキ) (Giant African Snail)

Twizzler (ツウィズラーズ)(Giant Millipede)

Hershey (ハーシー)(Giant Centipede)

Konpieto (こんぴえと) (Leaf Insect)

Candy Cane (キャンディケイン) (Stick Insect)

Poifull (ぽいふーー)(European Mantis)

Pocky (ポッキー)(Ghost Mantis)

Ramune (ラムネ)(Orchid Mantis)

The Honey Hive (Bees)

The Hissing Bandits (Hissing Cockroaches)

The Earth Kingdom (Honey Ants)

The Fire Nation (Fire Ants)

The Water Tribe (Yellow Crazy Ants)

The Air Nomads (Black Carpenter Ants)

Brief Personality: Kaguya is a very monotone person. He has a tendency to push people away from him by making himself as boring and unapproachable as possible. But in reality he’s just really awkward. He is the type of person who much rather stay at home with a bunch of books than go outside and hang out with his friends.

Brief Backstory: Kaguya was born without a name, somewhere on the moon. His parents kicked him off the moon and he plummeted down to earth. He was found by a local orphanage due to his crying.

He never really knew why his parents abandoned him.. But he did know that humans weren’t much better.. His peers would bully him for most of his life due to him not being like them.

He lost himself in fairytales, reading every book he could. He thought if he lost himself in the stories and his role as a god, everything would be alright.

However, now Kaguya is very standoffish. Not even giving people the privilege of speaking his real name. Instead wanting to be referred too as “Kami” or “God”.. He is a bit of an odd ball..

Many people have hurt Kaguya over the years, causing him to retreat further and further into his shell. However lately a few cracks have been shown.

#Spotify #Kami #oc reference #rp #roleplay #rp reference #oc #ocs #original character #my art #kaguya

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that-bipolar-mood · 10 months

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Hi there,

I don't know who else to talk to about this, and your blog seems like the only one I can talk to about this (you don't even have to answer this).

About half a year ago I started getting into spirituality. At first it was wonderful, and really inspired and encouraged a lot of positive personal growth for me. I started meditating and hearing voices. However, there have been a few times that became disturbing, and a couple were downright terrifying.

I only just recently opened up to my counselor about those moments. She was naturally concerned, and reached out to my my medication specialist to let her know. The meds specialist then gave me a prescription for Abilify, and kind of rushed through the appointment without really listening to me. Hallucinations or not, to me those moments were very real, and to have them so quickly dismissed has hurt me deeply.

I see how my behaviour could be concerning for others. I agree that I do experience hypomania. I'm not living an impulsive or reckless lifestyle, but I do go through cycles of being high-strung, irritable, and depressed, only to bounce back to being pleasant and happy-go-lucky again. Yet it hurts to know that my attempts to better my life and connect with a higher source was noted as a red flag, like they were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like all of my credibility and respectability has been taken from me overnight. It feels like whenever I become excited about something that it's going to be questioned as a suspicious and monitored as a symptom, instead of allowing me to enjoy my life like an adult. I already feel like my partner looks down on me. He uses my earlier mental illness diagnosis as a means to infantalise and patronise me, even if he doesn't think he is.

We both have relatives with bipolar disorder, and I don't see myself being like them. I've seen what mania looks like, and where it leads to. It scares and dismays me to be put into the same category as them. I could handle the ADHD and depression diagnoses, but BP is more than I'm willing to admit. Quite frankly, I'm ashamed of it. Just like I'm embarrassed for sharing my spiritual experiences and research with those around me, and how silly I must have looked.

I've decided it would be best if I avoid anything involved in spirituality, to play it safe. However, now there's a great absence in my life, with nothing worthwhile to put my time and energy into. There's a deep emptiness and loneliness in my heart with nothing to replace it. My inner compass now has no direction, I don't know what to do with myself anymore, both daily and throughout my life. I feel unremarkable, unsupported, and out of reach of G-d's love.

Thank you for reading through my vent. I hope you're having a good week.

- Jackalope

Well hello, and thank you firstly for reaching out.

To be honest, I believe the majority in the bipolar community or perhaps even the entire mental health community, understands or relates on some level. Also, I won't lie and pretend there is a simple answer here, or that anyone can give you one in the first place.

Now that I've said that, here's my personal subjective view. Spirituality saved me from my existential struggles, but I learnt the hard way that there is a line that I can never cross unless I want to get hospitalised. I tried desperately to balance my spiritual beliefs with reason and this diagnosis I received... it went horribly...for some time. Naturally, l gave up.

Guess what happened. Didn't work out. Depression kicked in faster than ever, and I'm talking about the paralysing, scary, losing-self one. Anyway, this happened next:

1. I just stopped surrounding myself with judgemental people who kept putting me down because of spirituality (frankly, I had no energy left).

2. I embraced the fact that I can be both mentally ill and practice spirituality, but starting slow...(no staying up reading on religions or painting visions instead of eating).

3. I switched psychiatrists and was lucky to find a liberal open-minded one, who helped me sort out which beliefs were harmful and which weren't.

4. Again, lucky for me, I found the right medication that kept me stable and offered me a chance to control triggers better.

So, in my experience, yoga and meditation (sometimes hours long) are not harmful but crucial. Yet, anything that occupies me enough to disrupt or just rapidly change my life can be potentially harmful. Welcome to 'the spectre life' of bipolar.

I'm not sure which diagnosis you consider to be correct for you, I can speak as someone with bipolar disorder, and my life is really all about balance. Meaning it goes both ways. I cannot do without spirituality, but I have to be careful not to "bite off more than I can chew."

I hope this helps and if you feel like chatting or anything really, please message me.

I believe truly that you have the capacity to sort this through and that you will be alright.

#bipolar disorder #actuallybipolar #manic depression #actually bipolar #spiritual #spirituality #tw hospitalization #actually mentally ill #manic depressive #actually manic #bipolar mania #ask

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kismetconstellations · 1 year

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21 33 48 for the fanfiction ask, please? ^w^ thankyou!

Of course!

21) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Oh gosh, where do I start?

Possibilist, the author of some of my absolute favorite Faberry (Quinn Fabray/Rachel Berry from Glee) fanfiction, is one of my biggest inspirations as far as prose and utilization of language goes.

Francesca Lia Block has a similarly sumptuous command of the English language. The sheer imagery crafted by her choice of words is decadent, hypnotic, and awe-inspiring.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and Margery Hamilton's works (The Little Prince and The Velveteen Rabbit, respectively) possess a beautiful wisdom and melancholy sort of magic that grip my heart in a vise every time I revisit them.

As far as Barlyle (Phineas Taylor Barnum/Phillip Carlye, my OTP of OTPs) stories go, there's--

SilverLynxx, for her enviable lexicon.

BuddysImpala, for her sheer dedication and the number of creative and vastly different fics she was able to turn out.

Schizanthus, for running an amazing blog while also being a human thesaurus and dictionary, and the best proofreader a writer could ask for.

The_Girl_Who_Got_Tired_of_Waiting; a truly wonderful friend and imaginative storyteller with an incredible grasp on these characters whom I fervently wish had the time to write more.

And, I can't forget jackpip and Vudonn and gay_jeans and wolfzaa and Kibbers and so many others who made the Barlyle fanfiction landscape the magical place it was during its heyday.

There's also hollycomb with her cozy, down to earth style of fic-writing. Under the Table and Dreaming is far and away my favorite in her catalogue.

And, before this answer completely gets away from me, as it's already begun to, I would be remiss if I didn't include DutchXFan for the indescribable charm and carved-irreparably-into-my-soul candid rawness of her work Once Upon a Time, and The_Blonde who, despite writing Real Person Shipping fics, possesses the uncanny ability to draw me into every universe they create and leave me utterly spellbound and earnestly devouring every word. just once to be lifted strong and i'm half-doomed and you're semi-sweet are two sublime examples that I highly, highly, highly recommend giving a read if you can surpass the ick factor of them featuring a cast of real people as the central characters. The world-building, alone, is absolutely exemplary.

33) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

From BuddysImpala on my massive Phillip Has Major Depressive Disorder fic, just a dead man walking:

"Me? Finishing this fic at 3:40 in the morning, against my better judgement?

It’s more likely than you think!

This fic is heartbreaking and wonderful all at once. There are some legitimately published works that don’t invoke as much emotion from me as this fic those, and I love absolutely every single word. Bless you for choosing to grace us with it two years ago — it’s writers like you in the fandom that have solidified Barlyle as my OTP to end all other OTPs. I am not going anywhere.

Bless you. ❤️"

Oh, that's just my heart-- swelling so much it's got caught in my throat.

48) What’s your favourite trope to write?

Hurt/Comfort. I'm an absolute sucker for the sense of catharsis that comes from characters looking after one another and slowly but surely healing in the wake of trauma.

---

Thank you very much for asking.

#Correspondence.#Anonymous #Boring stuff about the blogger.#Fanfiction Writer Asks #My sincerest apologies for how long this wound up being!#I hope it isn't too much of a hassle to scroll past.

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melicorn · 1 year

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Content warning for discussion about depression, suicidality, mental illness, disability, therapy, treatment, hospitals, and the American healthcare system.

I don’t know a lot about John Fetterman; he seems like a decent guy though and I hope his treatment goes well. When I first saw the headline that he was checking himself into the hospital for depression, I thought, “well, good, I hope this starts many conversations about hospitalization for mental health treatment.”

I have already been thinking about hospitalization a lot lately. I turn 40 soon, which means it’s also the 10 year anniversary of my most recent mental hospitalization, following what had been my fourth or fifth suicide attempt. That stay got me on medication I still rely on today, and the follow-up outpatient care eventually led to the ADHD diagnosis which explained why my depression had been so resistant to treatment for such a long time. (Like I said, before age 30, I had four or five suicide attempts, over fifteen years in and out of therapy with at least half a dozen practitioners by that point, including a previous hospitalization, and tried more SSRIs and supplemental medications than I can remember.) Turns out all the serotonin in the world can’t make a difference if you don’t have dopamine.

One of the things my therapists would often ‘congratulate’ me on was my very clear and precise self-awareness regarding my mental illness. But that level of introspection meant over the years I grew increasingly frustrated and isolated by others’ inability to understand or empathize with my struggles. Even when I had complete lucidity over my mental state and could communicate it in a descriptive and accurate manner, there was no way the other person could actually *know* what it really *felt* like. Excepting, of course, some of the other patients who were in my unit at the hospital. In the year or two following my second hospitalization, I came to realize that the major barrier to neurotypical people understanding people with mental illness disorders and other neurodivergent diagnoses is that, unlike physical ailments, there really is no temporary mental illness. Of course some people experience trauma, grief, or deep sadness that require a short period of medical intervention, but the type of conditions that lead to multiple crises and hospitalizations are always lifelong. I do not pretend that passing physical maladies are truly comparable to permanent physical disabilities, but the fact that almost all people will have an injury or illness at some point that will at least partially debilitate them before recovery gives them at least a starting point to imagine what a permanent disability would be like. I do think this is part of the reason why society has been much better about creating standards for accessibility and accommodation regarding physical status as compared to mental status (although of course they are still woefully lacking in both areas).

After this realization, I had an idea for a comic I wanted to do about my experience with mental illness, and more specifically treatment for mental illness, especially in regards to how it works in the United States. I think I even talked about the general outline of it with one of my therapists, but of course, it never came to any kind of fruition because of ADHD and extreme executive dysfunction. (I mean, that’s why I gave up comics and any kind of art as a career all together, after all.) So here is the script I have carried around in my head for some nine or ten years, a bit of solace for whenever someone (including myself) asks me why I can’t just do a certain thing, or why I take so long to do something, or just in general why I am how I am.

Imagine you are walking along one day, and suddenly both of your legs break. Now, this isn’t the first time you’ve broken a leg, in fact, it seems to happen with some frequency, but rarely simultaneously, and this time they are really bad; all kinds of messed up angles that shouldn’t be there.

“Hey! Help!” You cry out, “I really need someone to help me!”

A few people pass by not noticing or pretending to not notice, but eventually someone stops and says, “oh wow, that looks really bad!”

“Yeah, I know” you reply, “can you help?”

“Oh sure, there’s a hospital just a block that way. If you get up and walk over there I’m sure they can fix you right up!”

“Uhh, what. Are you joking?”

“No, it’s just right there, see? It’s a really short walk!”

“Both my legs are extremely broken. I’m quite sure I cannot walk at all.”

“Have you even tried though? Look, I walk all the time, it’s quite easy, just put one foot in front of the other. Watch how I do it and I’m sure you can too!” And you watch them easily walk away as you are lying on the ground.

You start dragging yourself in the direction of the hospital using your hands and arms, continuing to ask for help from those walking past you. One person suggests that if your leg doesn’t work, you could just hop on the other leg. You explain, no, both of your legs are broken, you don’t have another leg to use. They look at you with a puzzled expression and say, “well that just doesn’t make any sense” while shaking their head and then going on about their business.

The last person you ask for help says, “oh, of course, let me carry you the rest of the way” and you let out a huge sigh of relief.

They continue, “just stand up so I can pick you up and piggyback you over there.”

“Umm, is it not clear that is entirely impossible for me?”

“Ugh, just standing?” They scoff, “how can I be expected to help you when you aren’t willing to help yourself even a little bit?”

“I mean, I already dragged myself over fifty yards of pavement, I think that’s pretty good.”

“That’s ridiculous, everyone can stand, even toddlers can stand for a little bit. All I’m asking you to do is stand for a few seconds so it’s easier for me to pick you up.”

You look down at your legs, each curved in a different spiraling shape, now fairly bloody from being dragged down the street. “And I am telling you I definitely cannot do that” you respond as they walk away.

Eventually you do manage to drag yourself through the hospital doors, your arms bruised and scraped, looking almost as bad as your legs. Fortunately the medical staff gets to you and takes you in for surgery right away. Well, not quite right away, as you’re hard to see on the floor, and perhaps one or two of the orderlies accidentally trampled you or ran a gurney over you, but none of that matters because now you’re in the hands of professionals and they are going to fix you!

The first thing they do, of course, is take you in for x-rays after asking you a few questions. They wheel you in to meet the doctor, and you think, “ah great, we’ll have the surgery to set the bones and then in a few weeks or months I’ll be good as new!” The doctor then explains that no, that is not going to be what’s happening, as you can clearly see in your x-rays, you don’t actually have any bones in your legs, just a bunch of toothpicks held together with scotch tape.

On your floor of the hospital, you meet other patients with toothpicks and scotch tape in their legs, some with twigs held together with twine, some that have plastic forks and hot glue, and even a few that were somehow getting by with crazy straws and silly string. Most of them are like you and never had bones in their legs to begin with, but there are a few that had their bones stolen by someone, or lost them in a horrible accident. You also see a few patients that do have real bones in their legs, but they also grew spring-loaded hammers attached to their toes that whack them in the shins every time they try to take a step.

Well, the toothpicks and scotch tape definitely explain why your legs seem to break so easily and frequently, but is there any way you can get real bones for your legs?

“Oh no,” the doctor explains, “your body can’t grow bones in your legs, and it would reject any bones we transplant into your legs, plus you would have no idea how to walk with them.”

“Well, I would argue I can barely walk as it is,” you respond, “but I guess I see your point.”

So you and the doctor discuss options and plans for treatment. Perhaps you can start by upgrading to bamboo skewers and duct tape, there’s a lot of new and exciting research coming out about the use of wooden dowels, and maybe once you’ve been in outpatient treatment for a while you can find a carpenter who can carve you custom support with hinges that are actually screwed in.

(And since this all happened before the Affordable Care Act was passed into law, and since even after it was passed it didn’t provide anywhere near the help that is needed.) “This all sounds good, but I just don’t know how I’ll be able to afford it. I’ve had a hard time staying employed, since my legs break every few months and jobs almost always require some amount of standing and walking.”

The hospital staff reassures you, “don’t worry, there’s a program for people without leg bones to help pay for their treatments, just go to this building when you check out.”

And so after about a week you do check out of the hospital, legs in full casts up to your hips to protect your new, but fragile, sticks inside. You’re able to hobble around surprisingly well using crutches, so you make your way to the address you were given.

When you get there, you find a building surrounded by a 10-foot tall stone wall and a 5-foot wide moat. You circle the whole building, but there are definitely no doors, bridges, or even windows within reach. You do find someone who seems to look official and in charge though.

“Excuse me,” you ask, “is this the place for people without bones in their legs? How am I supposed to enter?”

“Yes, this is it. You’ll just need to pole-vault over the moat and wall.”

“Umm, I think there’s been some mistake. I’m just recovering from both my legs breaking, as are most of the other people seeking your services, I believe. Are you able to provide any kind of assistance for me?”

“Oh, there’s no mistake. You grab onto the pole with your hands, so it’s totally fine for your to do. And we can loan you a pole if you need, you’ll just need to do 10 jumping jacks and a short hopscotch run.”

You roll your eyes thinking, how on earth does anyone ever get through this? As you look around, you see more people with fresh casts on their legs, or old bandages, or some with a leg still broken. You see a lot of them run a few steps with the pole only to have a leg give out from under them and they fall again. Many of them do just give up and crawl away at that point. Some people look like they have family members that are trying to push them over, or do the pole-vaulting themselves while carrying the injured person. A few have even hired a catapult to fling them over, but that seems to cost more than any financial assistance you could get. Eventually you decide to tunnel your way under. It’s slow and laborious, but it seems the least risky, and you really don’t want to break a leg again.

When you finally get through, you do start getting regular checks on how your legs are doing. You learn how to spot splinters so you can plus some glue on them before they turn into full fractures. And importantly you start working with a trainer to build up the strength of your leg muscles, and learn how to walk more delicately so that the sticks in your legs don’t get so much damage from impact. It’s a slow walk, but you’re staying upright, and it feels like something you can maintain for while.

As you start getting back out in the world more, you do notice that everyone walks much faster than you. Most of the time it doesn’t bother you that much, but sometimes you’re walking somewhere with family, friends, or coworkers, and they’re just getting really impatient with how slow you are. Some times you take the time to explain about how you don’t have bones in your legs, and if you walk any faster you risk one or both of your legs breaking again. And they will make a sad face and say that they will wait for you to catch up, but no one ever slows down to match your pace for more than a few strides. So more often you just say you’re tired, and the other person responds, “oh, that’s too bad. I would wait for you, but I have to go run this 10K to support #NoLegBonesAwareness - you really should join next time, bye!”

The worst thing that happens, though, is when someone asks you, “have you thought about what would help you walk better?” And you want to scream at them, “Bitch, of course I have! I think about it all the fucking time! Having actual fucking bones in my goddamn legs would help!” But of course you can’t do that because at least they’re trying to understand that you have a problem that they don’t know how to fix, whereas everyone else is suggesting calcium and vitamin D supplements to help your non-existent bones grow. Or when they find out walking is difficult for you, they suggest jogging might be easier instead. Or perhaps flying? Have you tried flying?

And so you just keep walking along, mostly slowly, sometimes a little quicker, and sometimes really, really slow. And meanwhile your peers are getting married, buying houses, starting families, all the regular things society likes to celebrate. And one day you realize you’ve been walking for a really long time, years maybe, without breaking a leg, and it’s the first time in your life you’ve gone that long without a broken leg. And you know that’s a much harder and more difficult achievement than any degree anyone’s earned or promotion they got, and took so much more work. But there’s only about a half dozen people in the entire world that actually understand that, and you’re not close with any of them.

And while you’re thinking about that, you hear a sickening, yet familiar crunch.

That’s what it’s like to live with mental illness.

#depression #tw sucidal ideation #mental illness #mental health #adhd #disability #hospitalization #adhd problems #tw depressing thoughts #healthcare #john fetterman #no bones day #cw depression #cw mental health #cw mental illness #tw injury

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