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ravenadottir · 1 year

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writing as a producer, not as a writer

to explain that title i need to talk about writing as a writer first. i promise everything will make sense in a bit.

as a writer you have a few steps to follow when writing fiction, whatever genre that might be. one of those steps is characterization. building a solid foundation over a trope so you have a well constructed person. it's called a person because there must be a personality attached to them, and not all writers follow this step... which can result in all those main characters syndromes known as "everybody loves her but she has the charisma of a bag of flour".

now, writing drama requires you to understand people and motivation. if you don't comprehend those concepts, all you have is isolated events and no connections or links to your characters.

let me give you an example using season 2 of litg.

if you trade hannah and chelsea's lines after day 24, will the characters make sense? would you say they're exchangeable? exactly, NO! because both of them have very defined personalities and individual traits. they might share an interest, sure, but they're not the same person.

now that we got these steps out of the way, let's write as a producer, which is what writers of seasons 1 and 2 were doing.

i've always hated seasons 3 and 4, but for one of them i couldn't quite put my finger on why.

season 3 is honestly a rainbow festival where kitties lick your face and shit bombons, i hate it. nothing exciting happens, and when something slightly more filled with energy comes along it's accompanied by your li forgetting your name... it's a laughable attempt on drama, and to me personally, no. it's a fuck off from me dog.

season 4, however, seemed to be coming strong for the drama because so many players asked for it. we badgered them asking for something, and um... the delivery was absolutely, for lack of better word, shit. and now that i've replayed a few episodes i understood why: producing.

seasons 1 and 2 were written from producers' perspective. once you have defined traits and characteristics, you have real people. now, if you want to instigate drama, how do you push those people's buttons?

by introducing raunchy challenges that make sense, bombshells that are irresistible to them, intriguing games that will plant a seed of doubt in their minds about certain people... contests, casa amor, more bombshells right after a brutal dumping, returning islanders.

for the most part the drama in those first two seasons was pretty realistic, and that is the reason! mason and levi getting angry, squaring up because the other is hitting on mc, mc not taking shit from anyone, lucy trying to sabotage her ex's current relationship mostly because she wasn't over them, erikah being mad and jealous and acting out of impulse... and that's to mention only a few of the feuds on season 1.

season 2 had so many classics: roccogate, lottie's explosions, every single fight about loyalty but the one instigating was also a flawed person (sitting on their own ass and talking about someone else). clandestine kisses, clandestine plans, doubt about loyalty through producers' doing, such as the tweet challenge. this season was built so well because the writers were thinking as producers!

it was a powerful combination of producing-writing and realistic characterization.

and after you introduce things or people that will cause the drama, one thing you need to do is to give your characters some development, whether positive or negative, BECAUSE PEOPLE REACT TO THINGS, and depending on who that person is, they'll react DIFFERENTLY.

did we have that on season 4? 3? ex-in-the-villa? did we have anything remotely human such as emotions or people? yeah, didn't think so.

the reason why i was put off from replaying season 3 is because they act like a bunch of pixels, and not like people. the writing is so weak and so convoluted, tired and lazy, i can't bring myself to play those seasons repeatedly. it takes me out of the story because there's nothing serious or entertaining happening.

individually, the characters might be hot, or cute, or both. together, as a group, MOST BORING SHIT I'VE EVER READ.

take the rahim-jo kiss as an example of how to pull your reader in. elisa told chelsea about the kiss because she knew the girl would blab, since she'd done it before (lottie and gary's event). that single piece of gossip goes to show almost everyone's expectations and reactions, consequentially showing us, the players, new things about the ones involved and it worked so well from a writing perspective. this is what it caused:

elisa blaming chelsea even though she was the one who gossiped. we get a pretty good idea of how elisa deals when in crisis, specifically when she's trying to get rid of the guilt.

shannon being sexist and aggressive towards jo instead of bringing rahim to the ordeal, which also reinforces the fact that she didn't want to let rahim go because he was her safe bet to the finale.

chelsea crying out about not wanting to hurt anyone, and dealing with her problems by drinking and trying to pretend nothing is happening, or that it's not that serious (even though she yells about gary in a challenge right after face-sucking elijah).

jo lying about the whole thing, clearly scared of shannon's reaction, and throwing insults around because she doesn't know how to deal with being caught.

ibrahim hiding because he can be such a pussy, and honestly doesn't really care for shannon.

the boys walking out because they don't think this is worth the drama

lottie provoking people by ignoring the questions about the kiss and asking about the towel.

hope trying to minimize the damage, always the mother.

and mc can do pretty much nothing about anything, it's our choice.

finally, the pool dialogue we have with bobby, and how emotionally drained he is despite this not being about him. it shows that he cares about the group.

just by introducing someone that rahim would surely like, the "producers" hit jackpot. they brought a girl that is an athlete, awkward, tattooed, and sent that girl on a date along with the guy that has a taste for girls like that, to a fucking spa. GUESS WHAT? they didn't have to push their lips together, they just knew rahim, and they knew he was frustrated with shannon.

by the way, introducing a strong-minded girl who knows what she wants, and doesn't fiddle in casa amor, is how they managed to make rahim choose her, because at that point, priya was history due to her pass at noah.

there you go, two dramatic events just by introducing people that would turn his head. drama that can last for days, and generate so many meme's, so many gif's, so many quotable pearls and classics to push the show on social media further more.

season 4's drama was like elisa telling chelsea the secret, and then chelsea blabbing about it but never once hinting she was dramatic as hell. on season 2 we have multiple instances of chelsea doing that, and not just with other characters, with us too, so it makes sense elisa would seek her to get the word out.

so when lexi pulled and threatened mc, i was like "yesss, finally, some drama!!" but then the next day she was like "ah yes, i was the little bobeep of the fucking i don't care tv show-shire" and i was so... confused ???? because why would the girl that was so passive-aggressive with me yesterday join me in the kitchen and tell me an anecdote??? one that is not relevant to anything and doesn't tell me how she was affected by my presence there ???

it was SO FUCKING RANDOM.

did we have random chats in the villa on seasons 1 and 2? ABSOLUTELY. but who started those? the crackheads! tim, gary, bobby. it was never hope or lottie who tried to diffuse drama by talking about random things, no! that was always the boys, mostly because they were either bored or uncomfortable, which falls into place with their personalities!

i sincerely can't bring myself to play season 4 because all the drama was apparently fabricated for shock value, and wasn't rooted in a true concise storyline or plot.

again, i'll use lexi and "YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY MAN" ordeal. what did she do after we picked kobi? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING. i was ready for her to pull a butterfly knife and start swinging, mortal kombat style... maybe even try to pull our mc's spine right out of our noses, but instead... she was just there, not saying or doing anything.

the repercussion of our choice doesn't match the promise, or the characterization that was given before. if lexi had drowned my mc i would be like, "ok, work, that makes sense." but she didn't do anything about it.

bobby had to hold lottie back when we chose gary on day 10, and she's incredibly creepy and cryptic the next morning. even takes a few jabs at pissing mc off until the very end, because she doesn't give up on gary and thinks she's entitled to have him. her actions match her personality, and lottie walked so lexi would trip, fall and crack her skull.

the producing worked in so many instances, more than times that didn't, so explain to me, WHY DIDN'T THEY REPEAT THIS FORMULA IN UPCOMING SEASONS.

for instance, boat party. instead of having an episode or two with your li, and building up for them to leave after a serious fallout, and that being the climax in your storyline, NO! that was the setup for the boat fucking party. it happened in 50 taps or less. WHAT WAS THE REASON?

i hate everything fusebox produced after season 2 but like... for different reasons.

everything feels like riverdale, it's a bunch of absurd and over-the-top shit happening, cringe dialogue, only to have zero any impact on the people involved, no consequences, not even vestigial feelings. it's for the shock value and shock value alone.

it seems the writers and writing directors are thinking episode by episode, instead of making an outline for the season, so we're left with a lot of isolated incidents that overall don't make any sense, and don't foreshadow or create any repercussions.

you cannot draw a timeline with any season beyond season 2. and i hate that lazy shit. i truly do.

i was going through the litg s5, the ex-in-the villa tag here, and... so many complaints about the toxicity of the characters! it's giving after saga. no real motivation behind the drama, no real repercussions, over-the-top scenes for no reason, obnoxious and unlikable people. it's a slap on the face of the players, it truly is.

but still, i was pushing myself to persevere and try to play season 5, and then i saw the design.

YOU CAN'T BE BAD AT THE WRITING AND THE DESIGN, PICK A STRUGGLE.

so... to sum it all up, writers were successful on early seasons because characterization and situations walked hand-in-hand. one caused the other and we were able to witness the consequences, and whether positive or negative, they EXISTED. they PRODUCED the show after coming up with characters that felt human, then just wrote the consequences for whatever it was.

anyway, just wanted to talk about this because it had been a while since i last touched an litg season, and when i realized why i hate recent ones, i had to write about it.

#litg #love island the game #litg s1 #litg s2 #litg s3 #litg bombshell #litg ex in the villa #litg s4 #litg s5 #queue

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star-anise · 4 years

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I don't know if this is crossing boundaries to ask so feel free to ignore, but do you have any advice for someone with rejection-sensitive dysphoria, an intolerance for ambiguity and a history of social ostracization / access to the In-Group being dependent on Some Unsafe Shit for figuring out where one stands with an online social circle? Like, if one really feels like they're being neglected / put on a shelf, but doesn't know how to address it without receiving platitudes that it's not

(insecurity ask cont.) Really that bad / wasn't intentional / sure they still LIKE one they just kept happening to be busy at the time - etc. Basically figuring a way through the situation if one doesn't want to do what the Anxiety wants, which is cut run and self isolate, but doesn't find the allistic normative reassurance of "oh no we really do want you around sweaty : )" reassuring or helpful in the least.

This is a live topic of discussion in my friend-groups, since my close social circle is like 95% people with a history of being bullied, serious brainweasels* around social shit and rejection, ASD and/or ADHD, and seriously geeky social skills. So my response is not like, “We have a Method! It works! I’m patenting it!” nearly so much as “Um... this is what seems not to have exploded too badly so far.” And I’m answering this publicly rather than privately because other people have useful things to contribute too.

*(Brainweasel = little nasty thing that eats your brain)

(Like seriously if anyone DOES have A Method I’m all ears because I still do the self-isolation self-destruct way too easily)

Anyway. THE GOOD STUFF (which got really long):

I’ve personally found that it helps to make it really clear to people that if something is wrong, I want to know. I literally say, “My personal definition of Hell is when I think I’m having a happy fun time with a friend who is enjoying themselves, but in reality, I’m annoying them and they secretly resent me for it. Please don’t put me in that situation.” It’s kind of the opposite of asking for validation--it’s trying to reduce my own emotional hypervigilance, and also shifting the burden of dealing with the problem to the other person. Now, if they find me annoying, they have to do something about it--either spend less time with me, or let me know what’s up.

Asking for things and saying “No is an okay answer!”

Being open about my wants and needs while also letting people know how much I’m willing to compromise. “I don’t know what anybody else is feeling, but for dinner I have a mild preference for pizza,” or “I’m in the kind of mood where I basically want someone to talk to about this creative project for an hour in a really intense, informed, and interested way that also doesn’t step on my creative vision’s toes, or I don’t want to talk about it at all. So unless someone really wants to talk about it, how’s the weather?”

If you can find people who are geeks about feelings and have done a lot of introspection and can be very honest, and basically didn’t think that Twitter thread about asking friends for consent for emotional labour was a bad thing? That’s probably going to help, since when you’re all in the middle of dealing with moderate-to-severe brainweasels that is the kind of wrangling that needs to happen.

Hacking into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, if you can do it. I’ve had to explain to several people now: DBT is fundamentally about trying to unlearn you from a system of If I Only Behave A Certain Way, Life Will Finally Work Out, to having a more flexible, more adaptive set of skills that you can see in a kind of pro/con fashion and decide which of life’s sucky parts you’d rather deal with because it gets you your preferred set of upsides. The problem is: DBT kind of presents itself as a system of If You Only Behave A Certain Way, Life Will Finally Work Out! So especially for my Autistic friends, doing DBT, while useful, involves considerable arguing with the system, deciding which of it works for you and which of it doesn’t, and hacking it apart and rearranging it in your own idiosyncratic way. This isn’t actually failing to do DBT, it’s using the methods DBT teaches you on DBT itself.

Finding a therapist who can treat baseline-neurodivergent LGBTQ+ nerds with complex trauma IS difficult, but not impossible. Not every therapist can do it. (I personally am considering giving up finding one in my city, and making use of the temporary relaxation of restrictions on distance practice across jurisdictional boundaries thanks to COVID-19 and phoning up my old therapist a province over.) If you can’t get a personal recommendation, I recommend literally cold-emailing about a half-dozen likely suspects from Psychology Today or Theravive and asking them, “Do you have any training or experience in treating [geeks/adults with complex trauma/queer people/whatever has made therapists act like cats with boots on around you before]?”

To wildly veer back to your original question

Imagine something that someone could do for you that would make you feel warm and loved. Something that would take a minute or less to do. When you’re feeling unloved, say “I’m feeling down, could anyone do [this thing] for me?” That’s literally why I ask people to show me cat pictures--I have times when I feel sad and alone and like the entire world hates me, and that’s a VERY big feeling for anyone to step in and fill, so instead? I ask for cat pics.

This, I should add, required going back into my trauma memories and deprogramming the origin of my Nice Things Are Evil Poison If I Asked The Person To Be Nice To Me brainweasel. Which is part of why I’m so insistent on asking people not to put me in my personal Hell situation.

Like, sometimes with my clients, we literally create a restaurant menu of Things People Could Do If They Wanted To Be Nice To Me, ranging from cheap $5 items like cat pics and memes to $200 bottles of wine that would be getting married and taking out a mortgage together. Sometimes we talk Love Languages just to go through several different sensory modalities. Then, if creating that menu wasn’t scary enough, they start telling their friends what’s on the list. “I really like things with dragons on them” or "I love to know when somebody’s thinking of me even when I’m not there” or “I really wish I had someone to watch movies with”. This reduces the cognitive load if somebody wants to reach out to you but doesn’t know how.

Relatedly: If you’re in a bad mood and doing something to self-regulate, you might consider letting people know what’s going on. People who are merely being civil might interpret “I’m feeling terrible about myself today” as “You are now socially obligated to blow smoke up my ass”; moderating the statement with a positive attempt to make things better, like “I’m focusing on my shoes a lot today because I feel like crap but they make me happy” or “I’m going to go try to shake this awful mood with Netflix” removes that pressure because it’s a problem with a built-in solution, so they’re not socially impolite if they ignore it. If people want to be emotionally closer to you, it opens the door for them to either ask about your problem, or contribute to your solution (”Oooh, I do like those shoes”) (”Have you seen this new series?”).

Okay so

Here’s the other thing

When you’re used to the one being rejected, you can spend SO much energy trying to make relationships work, and when they don’t, you just kind of shut down and fall over

What if (if you scraped together enough spare Cope) you said to yourself, “Whatever is going on--whether it’s them, or me, or whatever--I am not getting my needs met, so I’m going to back away from them a bit and focus on finding something new? They may not be evil or bad, but I’m going to downgrade them on my priority list.”

Like I’m just saying: Think about it. Every once in a while it’s possible it isn’t your fault, but the other person... just isn’t up to being the kind of friend you need right now, and no effort of yours can improve them at this time, so you’re going to let them shape up if they can but start focusing your attention elsewhere.

I realize that’s like the social equivalent of asking a homeless person to dip into their savings and start a business. But, just... sometimes you just need better friends.

Okay, it’s 2am and I’ve run out of ideas. Anyone else?

#staranise original #trauma #brainweasels #bullying tw #tin-can-paladin

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ablednt · 3 years

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Relationships check

Quite a few people in the notes of that RSD post have casually mentioned just. Their friends making them feel like shit and while this does happen even with healthy friendships when you have RSD I want to go over thw red flags of toxic friendships with y'all

Note: not all of these things are automatically toxic on their own. You also need to take into account frequency (I.e if it happens a lot it's not the same as your friend having a bad day and being snippish etc.)

Your friend or partner should not

Insult you. (I.e "you're annoying" "you're ugly", mild teasing like "you're an idiot/lh" isn't the same but if you need to ask them to stop that's a healthy boundary to make.)

Belittle your efforts (I.e say your art is bad/not as good as others, make fun of your writing or projects, dismiss things you put effort into)

Mock your special interests or make fun of you for liking something or also just being excited about something. (If your interest is something genuinely bad it's on them to either communicate this with you or to distance themself. No one is going to learn "this media is harmful" from mockery they're just going to internalize "it's bad for me to like things.")

Threaten you (I'd give "kills you/j" and stuff like that a pass as long as it doesn't make you feel unsafe but like "I'm going to hurt you", "I'm going to [anything graphic]" etc. If its something graphic or heinous or if they won't go out of their way to add tone tags or make it clear they're kidding when asked then it's a bad sign)

Call you slurs (Even ones they can reclaim unless you're comfortable with it. This sounds obvious but the amount of people who let their friends call them ableist slurs like the r slur or the p slur is really sad.)

Do anything to punish you. (E.g you said something they didn't like so they ghosted you until you learned your lesson, blocking and unblocking you, doing genuinely malicious things to "get back at you" for something, bringing up traumatic topics because you didn't do what they wanted or disagreed with them, spreading lies/rumors about you because they got angry, etc.)

Tokenize you / act bigoted towards you (Can come in a variety of ways. One example may be always asking you to agree with or support them in discourses, ignoring or mocking you for calling out microagressions, fakeclaiming or dismissing your marginalized identity, using being friends with you to say they have experience with your marginalized identity for clout, or attempting to turn you against others in your marginalized group in an attempt to make you back them up in discourse, isolating you from your marginalized community in any way, holding exclusive views against your community but saying you're the "exception", etc.)

Hit, slap, shove, kick, or otherwise intentionally hurt you in any way. Yes it's still physical abuse even if they try to make it sound funny. Don't tolerate it.

If you find yourself feeling/thinking the following ways you may want to examine your relationship.

This stuff is more nebulous so none of it is a given that someone is toxic, you need to try and trace your feelings to specific behaviors causing them for either them or you and take mental illness into account but they do require reflecting on.

Power imbalance. If you feel like they're "more important" in the friendship, like they talk down to or demean you rather than seeing you as equal to them, or like you're the only one putting any effort into communicating etc

If you feel like you have to change your personality or interests to appease them and if you don't they'll become angry and lash out at you.

If you feel like you're walking on eggshells around them and if you don't keep them happy they'll lash out at or hurt/neglect you in some way.

If you feel disrespected for having a marginalized identity over which they have privilege. (E.g I have very few friendships with allistic people because many of them expect me to mask for them and fall all over myself to gain their approval.)

If you become upset, triggered, or your RSD consistently acts up every time you interact with or think about them.

If things they've said or beliefs they've held makes you hate yourself.

If spending time with them makes you feel depressed or suicidal.

There's more but this post is long enough already and y'all get the gist of it. Please remember friendships and partnerships are all about communication, equality/common ground, and healthy boundary setting. Relationships take work and you do need to do your part and no one is perfect but you deserve to feel loved and appreciated and if you don't sometimes that's not just rsd but the fact that you're being mistreated and need to find better friends.

#rsd #rejection sensitivity dysphoria #acruallyautistic #actuallyadhd #abuse tw #suicide mention #ask to tag

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avalonmoonshinesstuff · 3 years

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Sirius or Remus?

Dear Noony,

I have no context (and way too many ask games to check which one this is about) so I'll make this a long-ass post because I just have ✨ thoughts ✨ on these characters.

The topics are:

Who do I ship more with Severus.

Who do I see becoming friends with Severus.

Which character do I prefer more.

Who would win in a fight.

Who would I choose for myself.

Who would I write in my next fanfic.

Who do I see myself getting along with.

Whose counterpart is cooler.

Conclusion.

Who do I ship more with Severus: Now, although I like a good Snupin (love it when Moony recognizes Severus as it's mate), it's Snack/Snirius that steals my heart. It just has that perfect level of angst, enemies to lovers, and love angles (not triangles, I usually dislike them, thanks). Hate sex is amazing too, and the fiction is beautiful. And the weird tingling that the fighting seems like flirting in the back of their minds. And when they're both mutually pining but they think that it's unrequited. And more.

Also, yes, Remus may be more wholesome and might give Sev some therapy (after he gets some himself, of course) but I can't ship a relationship that may have a NPC that's being too giving and a replacement for therapy. Trust me, Remus would drop Sev because of how much he hates himself not being there for him as therapy.

Who do I see becoming friends with Severus: Remus, tbh, even though I'd like to say Sirius. Sirius has an irrational dislike for Severus from the start, while I think Remus just went along with his friends. He's the flow in the moment kind of person (I'm pretty sure he's a February Pisces) and they are kind of NPC characters or they believe they are. Obviously, Remus has to stop having NPC syndrome for him to actually move on from his prejudice against Severus and SEVERELY beg for forgiveness if he wants to be on friendly terms with Severus. Severus (in my opinion) has the capacity to forgive people with time and convincing (as I imagine is the case with McGonagall, who used to favor her Marauders). And Remus has the capacity to work really hard for a goal (as we see when he is spying in the Werewolf camp), to the point that people start questioning his loyalty.

When we see Remus go back to his pregnant wife (I hope he did, I can't remember)... We know that Remus can get over all this and try, at the very least, to be Severus' friend.

Which character do I prefer more: I'd love to say that I prefer none of these because I usually do but... I like Sirius more than Remus (not that I hate Remus). As a Pisces Rising, I get that Remus wanted friends and that he had a serious hindrance stopping him, but the fact that even after everyone is dead and gone... He doesn't reevaluate what he thought of Severus really shows. His behavior towards him, his first lesson, the way he minimized what James and Sirius did even after so long really shows that Remus is very comfortable and in love with the position he is in. I get that its easy to not think critically, but Remus was in a position to bring change. You see, after the job was gone, and Harry came to him asking about James' bullying... Remus should have really taken the chance to talk positively about a fellow order member that Harry would be trusting his life onto (if not for Severus, for Harry's mental health because he was trusting Sev with his life). When I realized that Remus was a Pisces, I felt very offended because I would never not use the power I had for some good (he was prefect) and I couldn't imagine life being as passive and unchanged as Remus was. I guess, in the end, I kinda dislike him for personal reasons... I mean, did this fictional character have to be a Pisces??

No shade on Sirius, I actually do like him, and it's not completely based on how much I kind of dislike Remus. Remus is a gray character and Sirius is the kind of gray that's closer to black. But I love him for it because he didn't have any leadership roles (except as Harry's godfather) that he completely fucked up. Sirius does show change, minimal though it is, he really does. As a teen, he believed in complete evil and complete good. He desperately tried to be completely good, who was James ig. He did become mini James but as an adult, he kind of realizes that James isn't completely good. Obviously, his hate towards Severus is still there; he's still the bully. However, I do think that his redemption from that role was set up when he says that line "the world isn't divided into good people and death eaters". I think (?) this is said around Regulus' sacrifice was found so it was mostly applying to Regulus and not Severus for Sirius. But, in my opinion, Regulus is the appetizer for Severus' redemption. And! Sirius told Harry that he never thought Severus could actually become a death eater, so this feeling multiplies. I see amazing Snirius happening Post war (whether they survive or not doesn't matter, they can get together in the afterlife for all I care). Sirius being the elder brother, having all responsibility on his head, and him breaking through them is really cool (although he didn't break away from two stereotypes: crazy and dark/dark gray). Him never feeling remorse is scary af but brief moments before his death, I did see some spark of redemption there. Above that, more than 10 years of isolation and prison does drive people mad, okay? This man needs some serious therapy (I think I also project some of my BPD onto him).

So, in the end, I like Severus only (I almost never need to project onto him because he's that good) and barely tolerate the others 😅.

Who would win in a fight: My man Remus, plz, he'd win anyday. He did, against Sirius, in canon (POA).

Who would I choose for myself?: Neither for sex, Sirius as my slave coz he'd hate it. (He's fictional) I have a gf so I'm happy everywhere else. All I want is a good slave 🤣. Also, dogs are cool, lol.

Who would I write in my next fanfic?: I have two planned already, but I think I want to write some Severus x male!Reader with background Severus x Remus (onesided, atm).

Who do I see myself getting along with: Neither, really, because I would think that Sirius is too much and Remus too NPC. I do think that I'd be acquainted with Remus because we love libraries and chocolate but our interests would vastly differ and I think it's weird trying to talk to someone new when in a library.

Whose counterpart is cooler: I was going to go with Remus, and I'm still going to go with Renus. I do see the potential in Sirius (change at your will) but from a medical perspective, and muggle too, Remus is way cooler. Potion-making barely (if ever) needs magic and that's what the muggles have. Becoming a Lycanthrope doesn't require a magical core (as far as I'm concerned). Lycanthropy is the kind of magic that muggles are familiar with, a moon-blessed-craziness (it's well documented). If muggles research, they can find a way to make transformations completely painless etc. Muggles can be Lycanthropes but not Animagi so Remus is definitely cooler.

Conclusion: Wow, that was long! Okay, in the end, I think they were both complex characters who each had their redeemable qualities. Gray af, too, as most of HP characters are. Too bad, I only like Sev and those who I think matches well with him (he is the bar and if anyone is beneficial to him, only then will I like them).

It's the mentally ill character for me!! Sirius wins!!

Thanks so much for asking and if I didn't cover any part, feel free to ask some more!! Or even if you want more elaborations 😌

#pro snape #remus lupin critical #sirius black critical #fair warning #Severus is the bar against whom I judge all other characters #severus snape #personal #i guess?#ask #ask response #ask wasn't specific so I had fun #snape #hp #severussnape #apparently #siri wins??

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akitohru · 4 years

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The Sohma clan and its cult-like characteristics or: why and how they get away with everything they do. Why everyone stays. Why the current system held in place operates so well. I wrote this back when episode 10 came out, but I didn’t post it over here. However, with the release of Rin’s episode, I’m seeing this topic being brought up again a lot, so I wanted to post it over here too. This post will include no manga spoilers, so don’t feel the need to watch out for them.

Warning: Abuse will be heavily discussed in this post.

With the reveal that Akito is God, we find out why the zodiac are so loyal to Akito. However, the curse itself is largely a metaphorical device rather than an actual fantasy device. Even without the curse, their loyalty to Akito is still.. very realistic considering the environment they grew up in. It’s not an exaggeration to say that the Sohma clan (at least, the “inside” part of the clan.) is a cult. This post will be explaining why that is and how being in a cult affects people. I will be using this handout (uucnrv.org/uucwp/wp-content/uploads/Cults-handouts.pdf) in the post as a reference.The handout defines a cult as:

A religion or sect, generally considered to be extremist or false, under the guidance of an authoritarian, charismatic leader for whom members exhibit fixed, even religious, veneration.

The zodiac worship Akito as their God. Even if they have problems with how Akito operates things, they still hold great reverence for him and don’t go against him no matter what kind of heinous things he does Ex: Not doing anything about Yuki being locked and tormented in a dark room by Akito for a majority of his young life, Akito partially blinding Hatori + ruining him and Kana’s relationship, Akito harming Tohru, and Akito pushing Rin off from what looked to be the third floor of a building.

Now, onto what the handout describes as common characteristics of cults:

One charismatic leader is the group’s sole authority on truth; only this leader decides, or has the right to approve, all policies and practices. Members are zealous, protective, and unquestioningly committed to the leader.Members regard the leader’s beliefs and practices as truth and law; the leader affirms and enforces this idea. Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or punished.

Since I’ve pretty much already covered how all of these characteristics relate to Akito and the zodiac under the definition, I’ll refrain from repeating myself on certain things. You may have noticed in episode 9 that Yuki says, “He needs to know his place. Him and me both. That’s how it’s supposed to be.“ He and the others have had instilled in them ever since they were old enough to comprehend things that the way things operate in the Sohma Clan are simply just the way things are supposed to be. That they can not defy that. That is is fate. Like Akito says to Kyo, "It’s what’s been carved into the wheel of fate for those born with a spirit.”

“The group’s leadership dictates how members should think, act, and feel. Members require the leader’s permission to change jobs, date, marry, or have children. The leader tells members where they can live and how to teach and discipline their children.”

Ex: Hatori having to get permission to marry Kana. While this is a characteristic of a cult, this also has to do with the Sohma clan’s family/household system. You can read more about that in this informative and intriguing post made by Furuba Canon here! (It warns in the post but watch out for spoilers.)

“The group uses public humiliation or punishment, debilitating work, sleep deprivation, or other practices to create group-think and to suppress individualism and doubt.”

I’ve already mentioned some examples of the type of punishment Akito exacts against the zodiac for insubordination under the definition, but another example of this would be when Akito visits the school and threatens Yuki with the “special room” he used to isolate him before because he skipped out of the New Year celebration

“The group is elitist, claiming special status for itself, its leaders, and its members.”

The zodiac are most definitely seen as special in the Sohma clan, only the “insiders” knowing of the curse. Akito, of course, is seen as the most special.

“Criticism or jokes about the leader or group are taken very seriously and likely punished.”

We see this when Kyo is fighting back against Akito in the annex, Akito responding with, “Don’t give me orders,” and becoming more aggressive after Kyo tells him not to touch him. We also see this when Tohru protects Momiji from Akito.

Thought Reform

In the article (people.howstuffworks.com/cult.htm), “How Cults Work”, the author describes how cults manage to have so much control over people:

A destructive cult uses countless techniques to get its members to stay, commit themselves and take part in what may be harmful activities. The sum of these techniques constitutes what some people call “mind control.” It’s also known as “thought reform,” “brainwashing” and “coercive persuasion,” and it involves the systematic breakdown of a person’s sense of self… Thought reform is an umbrella term for any number of manipulative techniques used to get people to do something they wouldn’t otherwise do…most psychologists believe that cult brainwashing techniques, which are similar to techniques used in prisoner interrogation, do change a person’s thought processes

Techniques (I will only be mentioning the ones that apply to the Sohma Clan.):

1. “Isolation- Cults cut off members from the outside world (and even each other) to produce intense introspection, confusion, loss of perspective and a distorted sense of reality. The members of the cult become the person’s only social contact and feedback mechanism…

Cults may not allow unsupervised contact with the “outside world.” In this way, there is no chance for a “reality check” or validation of a new member’s concerns regarding the group.

Cults typically instill the belief that “outsiders” (non-cult members) are dangerous and wrong.”

As we first see in the “Spring Comes” episode, the Sohmas mostly all live in the big Sohma estate with no outsiders being allowed in without special permission. Even if they are allowed to attend school and go out for other reasons, they’re still pretty isolated and surrounded by people who don’t find the way things operate inside the estate odd at all, some even encouraging of it. Someone living in that type of environment all of their life will more likely than not be influenced by the people around them, twisted as those people may be.

In a more extreme sense, we see this with how Akito isolated young Yuki and still isolates Kureno. Akito rarely allows anyone to see Kureno, keeping him by his side as much as possible, not giving him a chance to break free from his chains. The same went for Yuki. Again, Akito instilled in him that the outside world was pitch black and that no one would accept him out there, that it was dangerous to interact with people outside because they’d find him strange and weird.

2. “Induced Dependency- Cults demand absolute, unquestioning devotion, loyalty and submission. A cult member’s sense of self is systematically destroyed. Ultimately, feelings of worthlessness and “evil” become associated with independence and critical thinking, and feelings of warmth and love become associated with unquestioning submission…

Any doubts, assertiveness or remaining ties to the outside world are punished by the group through criticism, guilt and alienation. Questions and doubts are systematically “turned around” so that the doubter feels wrong, worthless, “evil” for questioning. The member is loved again when he renounces those doubts and submits to the will of the leader.”

We see this when Kyo questions why Akito allowed Tohru to live with them if he hates her so much, if he’s using her for something. In response to Kyo questioning, Akito retorts, “You’re always quick to make me the villain, huh?…You even killed your own mom! Do you think you have the right to fall in love with someone?! Do you think that’s allowed?! Kyo. Hey, Kyo. Think about it. Who’s the real villain here? Who’s the one who involved her the most?” When Kyo gives in, Akito becomes more “loving” towards him, saying, “It’s okay, I’ll go visit you in confinement. I’ll be by your side, so you won’t be alone. I love you. I actually love you so much, Kyo. Be a good boy from now on.“

Akito loves using people’s trauma against them, knows how to use it in such an awfully cruel way. In Kyo’s case, he has been told that he’s a monster his whole life even by his dad. His mother took her life and everyone blames it on him. It’s not simple to erase that guilt he feels from even though he has positive influences around him. (Ex: Kazuma, Tohru.) That’s how Akito breaks him down. Even if he knows Akito is a cruel person, it doesn’t erase the idea from his mind that he is a monster and that, despite Akito being the way he is, that he is right. Akito knows this. He manipulative and knows how to make people bend to his will.

“The leader may randomly alternate praise and love with scorn and punishment to keep the member off-balance and confused and instill immense self-doubt. The leader may offer occasional gifts and special privileges to encourage continued submission.”

We see this with how Akito tells everyone he “loves” them, but, at the same time, emotionally and physically abuses them to keep them in check. The situation with Kyo in the annex applies here too.

3. “Dread- Once complete dependence is established, the member must retain the leader’s good favor or else his life falls apart.

The leader may punish doubt or insubordination with physical or emotional trauma.”

I believed I’ve already used up all the examples I can use that won’t be spoilers, so I’ll copy the examples I used under the definition. Ex: Not doing anything about Yuki being locked and tormented in a dark room by Akito for a majority of his young life, Akito partially blinding Hatori + ruining him and Kana’s relationship, Akito harming Tohru, and Akito pushing Rin off from what looked to be the third floor of a building.

“Once all ties to the outside world have been cut, the member feels like his only family is the group, and he has nowhere else to go.

A specific example of this would be how Yuki felt when his mom gave him up to Akito. To quote him, “I thought that if she abandoned me, if she deserted me, everything would turn dark, and it would be the end to everything.”

“Access to necessities depends on the leader’s favor. The member must "behave” or he may not get food, water, social interaction or protection from the outside world.”

Again, Akito’s isolation of Kureno and Yuki applies here. There are some spoilery things I won’t mention that are very applicable here too.

To end off,

Indoctrination, or thought reform, is a long process that never really ends. Members are continually subjected to these techniques – it’s part of daily life in a cult. Some adjust well to it after a period of time, embracing their new role as “group member” and casting aside their old sense of independence. For others, it’s a perpetually stressful existence.

The zodiac were born into an extremely twisted environment. It’s pretty much all they’ve ever known. They think the way they are living is the way it is supposed to be and something that can not be changed. Akito is the head of the family and has the support of many Sohma elders/adults including most of the zodiacs’ very own parents. It is also worth noting that the Sohmas are a very rich and powerful clan (Notice how they even have a hospital under their name as shown in episode 5 of s2. That’s how Akito/the parents can get away with abusing the zodiac kids and putting them in the hospital without anyone reporting them.); if they really wanted to prevent someone from acting out against them they very easily could and could easily pay off authorities if anyone managed to report them. Another reason why real life cults are so successful is because of corrupt law enforcement who are willing to turn the other cheek if they are paid enough and deep political ties.

So, with all that being said, you can see why it would be natural for them to feel trapped, to feel that they have no choice. Adults around them that were supposed to take care of them and protect them instead used them for their own benefit/let them be a part of such a twisted system. Abuse, childhood abuse especially, is something that can irrevocably damage a person’s mind. The effects of abuse and trauma are nothing to scoff at. Even healthy adults who’ve never been in that kind of environment can be brainwashed by a cult if they’re unlucky enough to get caught up in one.

#fruits basket

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xfadingstarx · 4 years

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A Bleach Retrospective: In defense of Bleach

These are opinions, please respect that.

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My Journey with Bleach (please skip if you want to go straight to the analysis):

On September the 8th, 2006 YTV’s weekend evening anime programming block (Bionix) aired the first episode of Bleach. I, unfortunately, did not catch this episode, instead, I caught the second episode on September 15th the following week. I was ten and from then on, Bleach fascinated me. It had an interesting concept, tight pacing, catchy music, a good story, and unique character designs. I also really enjoyed how Bleach lacked the same kind of emotional labour that Naruto demanded (as child who survived off of constantly seeking validation from others because of absentee parents, Naruto is way too much work).

My fascination with Bleach got me started in the fandom communities of yesteryear, for I was a child with zero internet supervision. My introduction to fanfiction was because I loved Hitsugaya Toshiro.

Bleach was my entry into poetry (poem at the start of every volume).

But alas, all good things were not meant to last and by the summer of 2009, I was officially done with Bleach. It had felt stilted for some time before then. Over the years, I would gradually revisit bits and pieces of Bleach, but I would not read it in its entirety until months after its finish, about a decade after I had first saw Bleach on my TV. Between the time I stopped reading and the series ended, I became friends with people who didn’t think highly of Bleach and I also started seeing criticism I had made about Bleach in 2011 being repeated by fans on the internet, I started to think that maybe Bleach was bad, but I knew what bad writing looked like —I started reading fanfiction through Bleach fanfiction AMVs on YouTube — and somehow Bleach didn’t sit right with me in the “bad writing category”.

I sit back now, a decade and ahalf later from when I first started and ask, “was Bleach really that bad, and if so, why do I keep coming back to it?”

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What Made Bleach So Good?

Unique story and aesthetics: When Bleach first started in 2001, it was one of the first manga series to talk about souls and death in a poetic way and with such coherence. Bleach clearly knew what it wanted to say about life and death. It also had a very unique aesthetic, very similar to that of “The World Ends With You” or “Persona 5″ — an urban Japanese take on R&B kind of vibe. Also, Bleach had the most “realistic” and minimalist art style amongst the Big 3.

Cool Music: Bleach had cool music, from very solid rock’n’roll and R&B style songs in its OPs and EDs to very funky OST music with lots of pizzazz. Many singers feature by Bleach ended up successful (to varying degrees) outside of anime, eg: Orange Range, UVERworld, YUI, sid, etc.

Versatile tone: Bleach was edgy, there’s no doubt about that. It was willing to show a lot of blood and bodily violence, especially in the manga (eg half of people blowing up and bits of bone still attached). Despite this though, it was not pretentious about its edginess — it didn’t revel in it. To contrast the edginess, there is a lot of humour in Bleach with character interactions. It was able to be laid back enough with its strong characters that it would rely on the characters’ relationships for comedic relief. The post-credit skits and the fillers really helped to add to this overall feel as well.

Maturity of the Story: Bleach was very willing to handle topics that made people think. For example, the Ulquiorra - Orihime subarc was treated with a sense of carefulness about it, as if to reflect Ulquiorra’s own cautious curiosity about the heart. A less emotionally mature story would’ve gone for the cheap rape/torture porn, but instead we are treated to determined strong Orihime, who has found strength through the heart after the death of her brother, clashing with the nihilistic hollow who wants to know if there is happiness outside of emptiness. It’s a very loaded question and one that requires both perspective and life experience to fully understand both parties. As well, Bleach always knew what it wanted to say about life and death as the final conflict of Bleach is between Ichigo, who has accepted his transient life and Yhwach, who is scared of death. And ultimately, underneath all that action, Bleach produced takes on its themes that were hard to relate to unless the reader themselves had a certain level of emotional maturity (eg: 12 year old me got nothing out of the Ulqui-Ori arc, but 20 year old me spent a good 10 mins crying after)

Strong characters: Contrary to popular belief, Bleach does have quite solid characterization. In fact, Bleach is the journey of Ichigo as a character, from grappling with his weakness and pain to finally accepting all the parts of himself and his history in order to defeat Yhwach and protect those he cares about. Even the secondary characters of Bleach receive a sizable amount of backstory and/or development. Bleach also managed to have more proactive female characters. Even the damsel in distress Orihime stands up to Ulquiorra and slaps him. As a result of these strong characters, Bleach was able to rely on them and their relationships to drive aspects of the story (eg Ichigo crying in the Fullbringer arc).

Willingness to Deal with Emotion: Given that Ichigo is an internally motivated character, it was obvious Bleach would deal with emotion at some point in time. Making Ichigo just a normal high school boy also relives the previous edginess. Bleach also clearly too the time to make its readers feel in its early years. We are treated to beautiful panelling and very real displays of strong negative emotions. Bleach is also very good at giving its characters room to breathe and be sad. Eg: moping Orihime, moping Ichigo, etc. As well, Kubo went to extraordinary lengths to break Ichigo down during the Fullbringers Arc.

Interesting Character Designs: Every character in Bleach feels vibrant and unique with their personality showing through in their designs. For example: Shunshi’s sloppily tied up hair, visible stubble, and overcoat-hidden-haori show that he is both easy going and not looking for a fight; meanwhile Byakuya’s neatly pulled back hair and neck covered by scarf show that he is both someone who likes structure and is conservative.

Poetry and Symbolism: Kubo manages to weave poetry into Bleach in the beginning of each volume. The poem was said by the character on the volume. It gave the reader insight to this character and it gave Kubo a chance to flex his poetic chops. Further proof of this is the fact that many people don’t realize that the name “Bleach” refers to the bleaching of soul that is key to the story. Kubo loves to use rain to set sad scenes. It rains when Ichigo fights Grand Fisher, Zangetsu tells Ichigo that he hates the rain, etc. Kubo also specifies that he wishes for the reader to read certain volumes on stormy, rainy nights.

Panelling: Many people like to criticize Kubo for the lack of effort with the Bleach manga, but Kubo has stated that he uses negative space (i.e., foregoing backgrounds) to focus more on his character’s expressions. This not only further proves that Bleach cares a lot about its characters, but it’s done well enough that the average reader likely doesn’t notice the lack of background on the first read through. As well, Bleach has very cinematic panelling. Kubo uses the format of manga well, utilizing the human mind’s ability to fill blanks in with clever panelling to create tone and build tension and the feeling of movement through a scene.

In fact, in finding pages for this analysis, I found myself noticing that Bleach panels very similarly to slice-of-life shoujo but with a boy MC manga like "Horimiya": focus on expression through intimate angles and use of panels and breaks to create mood and the feeling of cinema; whereas something like DBZ panels like a shounen action manga with many hard lines and action shots, instead of a focus on subtle details and emotions.

Some Examples:

Notice now in Chapter 197: The approaching danger, Kubo uses a gradual zoom to build tension and the black background to add intensity and signal to the reader that Hitsugaya is relaying important information.

Here in Chapter 234: Not Negotiation, the immediate close up to Ulquiorra’s eye from the full body shots creates a sense of intimidation and unease with its sudden intimacy. As well, the immediate zoom in from Ulquiorra’s side full body shot to his facial profile creates tension and the change from the dark background to the white face with Orihime releases this tension (very fitting with considering the line for this panel is “but not you”). (This scene also ties into Ulquiorra’s central dogma of “that which is not reflected in my eyes does not exist’.)

Again in the same chapter, this gradual zoom in on the two creates tension that is then release in the next panel and summarily cements Ulquiorra as a terrifying BAMF.

In Chapter 262: Unblendable, Kubo uses the negative space to create a feeling of isolation, similar to how Orihime is supposed to be feeling.

In the same chapter, notice how Kubo creates a sense of intimacy (not in the romance sense) with the relationship of Ulquiorra and Orihime. He creates tension gradually with the zooming into Orihime’s eye and releases it with the zoom out to Ulquiorra. Through this scene, Kubo has shown us that Ulquiorra and Orihime have a tense relationship and with the implication of eye contact through the shots and panel breaks creating both the intimacy and showing Orihime’s defiance.

(Interestingly, I’ve noticed that Ulquiorra and Orihime have a lot of these intimate zoom shot-reverse-shot eye panels)

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What are the Bad Parts of Bleach?

Okay, so by now, you’re probably thinking that I’m ignoring the massive amounts of critique that Bleach gets and don’t get me wrong, while Bleach does have a very special place in my heart, I’m also not maudlin enough to pretend that Bleach was all good.

Pacing:

Pacing in the First Half of Bleach (Karakura Town - Arrancar)

When Bleach first started out the pacing was excellent. Kubo showed great mastery of pace to control the tone and highlight the emotions throughout the first two arcs. Mid-way through the Arrancar arc, the fatigue sets in and it was hard to keep up with, especially since Kubo would interrupt one exciting fight set up to go set up more plot elsewhere (eg Fake Karakura town right as Ichigo and Ulquiorra were about to battle). Whilst looking back and reading it all at once does help with the pacing, it was frustrating if you were reading/watching on a weekly basis.

Pacing in the Anime:

I don’t ascribe to a simplistic belief of “fillers bad” simply because I think that sometimes fillers can be a good thing, for example, since every chapter is ~15-20pp, some character interactions have to be cut for the sake for space, so filler is a great opportunity to add those moments back into your story. For example, a lot of early Bleach fillers are just the people of Karakura town just hanging out. That being said, Bleach does have an unfortunate amount of fillers, with some of them even interrupting tense fights (eg the Beast Sword Arc interrupts Ichigo’s battle with Ulquiorra). However, the padding that the fillers provided did wonders for the transition between Soul Society to Arrancar Arc in the anime. Ultimately, the Bleach anime adaption was a long-running anime made for syndication and that’s okay.

******* Brief Aside: many people like(d?) to point out that Bleach has a very cyclical plot structure. I used to think this way too; however, this is not the case. There are many other long running stories that repeat similar goals. The problem lies not in the idea, but the execution. The main complaint about the Orihime rescue was not that it was uninteresting, but instead that it felt a rehash of the plot of the previous arc. This is largely because the story was not given enough time to breath between similar character arcs. For example, in One Piece, Luffy and Co have to save Nami and by extension, her home village so she can join them; however, the next time a Straw Hat needs to be saved is 227 chapters (2 whole story arcs) later. In between saving Rukia and Orihime, there is only a really an arrancar encounter, a bit of training, cheering up Ichigo, and a Grimmjow encounter before Orihime goes with Ulquiorra, thus making the goal of this arc “save Orihime” in only ~59 chapters vs 227. These two similar arc goals so close to each other does indeed create the sense of repetition.

Pacing from Fullbringer to End:

This is where Bleach really lost a lot of people. If you weren’t gone after the Ulquiorra fight, you probably were by this arc.This arc went at breakneck speed, and ngl, during my first full read through I almost gave up here too. I mention earlier that Ichigo had been broken down in this arc, but it was hard to feel his despair and the weight on his shoulders because there wasn’t enough for the reader to take a beat and breathe. The Thousand Year Blood War, similarly suffered from sloppy pacing, with many readers feeling like story lines of Squad 0 and the Soul King were anti-climactic. As well, this arc started with a massacre and feature the deaths of many fan-favourite characters, and unfortunately due to the pacing, their deaths were not given a sense of gravity.

Missed Opportunities and Forgotten Story lines: Many people felt that Kubo forgot about a lot of his characters after the Aizen arc. Many thought the Fullbringer Arc was going to be a Chad/Orihime Arc. Whatever happened to Uryuu lolol? We all just collectively forgot about him for a large portion of the last half of Bleach. At one point in time, there was a rumour going around that Kubo had written out the story for Bleach and lost it. Idk if there is any credibility to it. However, in a 2017 interview, Kubo did say that he did end the series exactly the way he wanted to.

(If anyone wants to see me write an entire ass text post about Orihime and her treatment in Bleach, please let me know because I will do it)

Too mature:Even though above, I praised Bleach's mature handle on its themes, an unfortunate side effect of this is forgetting that the characters are only 15 at the beginning and for the first half of Bleach. This unfortunately, leads to some readers feeling disconnected from Bleach.

Epilogue: THE DESTROYER OF SHIPS!!! A lot of people hated this ending. Many people felt like the romance was shoe-horned in, others didn’t like the pairings, and there were some people who actually liked it. Personally, I didn’t like it too much, but it was a cute conclusion nonetheless. Since it didn't add anything to the story except for a "where are they now" look and because of that, I low-key felt like it was unnecessary, but w/e.

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Perspective

Making a long-running weekly serialized story is hard and doing it for 15 years is gruelling (obligatory “fuck capitalism” here). Like many artists of long-running manga, Kubo destroyed his health for the sake of publishing Bleach weekly. Kubo on his health after Bleach (photo from AshitanoGin on Twitter):

Given this insight, I think it’s only fair to be respectful and grateful for Kubo’s contribution to the anime-sphere. Also, through his work, Kubo seems to be a very understanding person and artist. I’m sure he knows better than anyone where Bleach went wrong, but there’s nothing that can be done now. Despite him having a twitter, he is not Joanne and doesn’t feel the need to constantly hemorrhage out word of god info about Bleach (and thank god for that).

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Final Thoughts

It’s hard to forget my happy memories when I think about Bleach. It had my first adolescent crush and first OTP. As a result, I think the best way to enjoy Bleach is to take what you want out of it. People always think that something has to be 100% without flaw for it to be good, but that is not true at all. It is totally okay to just like the parts that you like without engaging with anything else. It’s special to you for a reason, you know?

There’s no use in fretting over what Bleach could’ve been, besides, very rarely is the reality better than the fantasy in your head.

I do think though that a lot of Kubo’s issues could’ve been fixed if he planned the story better but not all of us can be “I've been planning One Piece since elementary school” Oda Eiichiro.

Other voices on this issue: here

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Wow. I can’t believe you made it this far down. Congratulations! Thanks for reading my 2:30am non-sober take on Bleach (it only took me 7 hours to write). Here's a cookie <3

#bleach #pro bleach #analysis #writing #characters #ramblings #pro orihime #orihime #ichigo #ulquiorra cifer #hot take #quarantine thoughts #late night #weebshit #criticism #critique #anime review #manga #i'm still bleach

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quibblesticks · 3 years

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spread this for the bad adults to see

i don’t know if there are a ton of bad adults on tumblr, but i just want to say, for the record, that there are a lot of things you should not do to your kid!

from experience, here are some of the things you might not realize you’re doing that really make your child want to distance themselves from you:

- you don’t respect their space i cannot emphasize this first point enough. i get super uncomfortable when people get too close, so i tried to set boundaries with my mother. they got ignored literally moments after i tried to make them. this kind of thing makes your child stay as far away from you as possible so that you can’t invade their space as easily.

- you talk to them about things that make them uncomfortable if you do this to them, they will purposefully spend as little time with you as possible. at least, i know i do. while there are some things that people have to learn, making them uncomfortable should be for safety and education purposes ONLY, and not done unreasonably often. if you make your child uncomfortable, your communication will your child will almost undoubtedly suffer from it.

- you do complete 180s on them my mother constantly goes from smiling at something her friend said on the phone to downright glaring at me the second i say something she doesn’t like. it’s frustrating, unnerving, and it makes me feel like i can’t talk to her.

- you only complement them for your purposes this one doesn’t make a lot of sense at first glance, so let me explain. you might only complement your kid when they did something you wanted them to do or if you’re about to ask them to do something you want them to do. for example, my mom wanted to get pictures taken of our family, and had a clear idea of what she wanted me to wear, even though I didn’t want to wear it because it made me uncomfortable and wasn’t well-suited for the weather. i ended up wearing it, and the second she saw me in it, she complemented me on how pretty i looked, and then asked if she could do my makeup (which i have established many times that i don’t like). you should obviously complement your kid if they feel uncomfortable and you think it’s the right thing to do, but you should always give them an option to change the thing that’s making them uncomfortable. you should also make many efforts to complement things just because you want them to feel good about themselves, not because of any personal motive.

- you project onto them as i’ve grown up, i’ve noticed how badly my mother projects onto me, and mainly me. she constantly talks about how “fat” she is (i kid you not, she’s probably under 120 pounds) and how she needs to eat less (she eats very little at breakfast and lunch), among other things. i’ve noticed that she tries to limit my food intake as best she can, and constantly tells me that i’m going to “get fat” if i eat a decent amount of food. (for the record, i am like stick thin and constantly hungry. my friends can attest to this, since i’m always carrying around candy). it’s so frustrating to see my mother ignore my needs for fear that i’ll get fat, which is not even something that i’m concerned about. in addition, her fear has caused my siblings to constantly joke about how i’m supposedly going to get fat if i eat lots of junk food, which i’ve never taken to heart, but is still very toxic behavior. (projecting is part of gaslighting!)

- you take away their choices, and you never let them have their way in my opinion, this is one of the most common things i see my mother doing to me, and it’s one of the worst. she’ll constantly ask me if i want to do things, and when i say no, she’ll berate me for not wanting to do it. if i insist that it’s not something i want to do, i get punished for it. my only other option is to just go along with it, causing her to believe it’s something i actually want to do. even though, at face value, it looks like she gives me a choice, i really have no say in the matter except for what the consequences are. please bear with me for this part. it’s a long example, and requires context which i give, but it reinforces my point. for example, i once was made to do some volunteer work in a combination of my least favorite circumstances (forced to interact with people i don’t know and like in the middle of a sweltering summer filled with bugs, outside, doing yardwork). i didn’t get a choice in whether i went or not. my mother was talking to the mother of a girl in the group who she wanted to impress. (for context, i had told my mother multiple times that i don’t really like her daughter and don’t want to do activities with her. my mother kept insisting, saying that it was polite since they had invited us over.) she asked me if i wanted to get ice cream with the girl afterwards (i had been planning on going home and taking a shower). i said no, and she insulted me and asked me why. i told her i didn’t really like the girl and that it was really bad timing, since i just wanted to go home straight afterwards. my mother then proceeded to call me a spoiled brat, and it led into what was pretty much a screaming/crying match. it was awful. i still constantly think about it. she took away all my devices. (this was early quarantine, to rub salt in the wound). when she left the house, i had to ask my brother if i could use his phone to call my dad just so he could hear my side of the story before my mother got to him. after my mother got back to the house, i tried to communicate to her that if she insisted i have ice cream with this girl, i’d like to do it at a different time. at least before i got all sweaty and exhausted (mentally and physically) from yardwork. she continued to insult me and tell me that i should have said that sooner, and when i tried to tell her that i was getting there before she started calling me a spoiled brat, she got mad at me. later, when things had calmed down, i had not gotten so much as a compromise. i even tried to ask my mom not to call me a spoiled brat in the future, and she told me it would only happen when i stopped acting like one. whatever trust i had for my mother is now long gone because of it.

- you only place worth on their achievements, and not their mental health i’m sure this is a super common one that adults do. this is so upsetting to children because it makes them strive towards an impossible goal, sacrificing their well-being in the process. i feel like i don’t really have to give an example for this one, since it’s probably happened to everyone. in my experience, this has led to me overworking myself and never being satisfied with “almost there.” by not placing value on their mental health, you are making your kid feel like they are only worth what they can give you. this is toxic.

- you isolate your child this is actually a sign of gaslighting. your child doesn’t need to be completely isolated for this to be considered gaslighting. as long as you make it so that it seems that they can only rely on you, you’re seriously hurting them. your child will almost inevitably realize that you’re trying to manipulate them, and it will cause them to hate you. there’s a difference between this and fair punishment for bad behavior, to be clear. for example, forcing them to cut off all contact with the outside world for a long (at least a week) or indefinite period of time is isolating them. if you ground them because of something you did, but still leave channels of easy communication with people they trust open for them, congratulations! you’re probably doing it right. this doesn’t happen to me as much as i see it in other people, but it’s still really important to be aware of what’s fair punishment and what’s not.

there’s a ton of other things, and if you have anything you feel like adding, please do because i know i didn’t get them all, but i couldn’t make this like eight pages long.

basically, doing these things to your child makes them feel uncomfortable around you. they feel like they can’t trust you, and that means that they can’t communicate with you properly. they can’t and won’t ask you for help. they will inevitably distance themselves from you.

in addition, they will feel alone. their mental health and sense of self-worth will probably deteriorate if left unchecked. they will have lower standards for themselves than they should. that increases their chances of being stuck in an abusive relationship or just generally feeling unsatisfied.

personally, i feel like my experiences with my mother have led to problems communicating-- with anyone-- as well as feeling on edge whenever i’m around her. i’m beginning to realize that, as much as i hate lying, i speak to her mainly in half-truths. i feel like she only knows her idealized version of me: a preschooler who adores her and clings to her every word, and who can’t and/or won’t have opinions of her own. it’s also become very obvious to me that i am not her ideal daughter, not even close, nor do i ever think i will be. i don’t talk to her if i can help it, and i make efforts to be near her as little as possible. i never volunteer to be alone with her, and even make special efforts to ensure that i am not left alone with her. i am entirely willing to allow my relationship with my mother deteriorate, and can’t wait to move out.

here is a link to the 11 warning signs of gaslighting, in case you are worried you are being gaslighted or you’re doing it to someone else: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

i’m sorry the post was so long (and i probably definitely overshared-- oops) but again, feel free to add to this as you see fit

#parenting #how to treat your kid right #idk what am i supposed to put in the tags #also please spread this around

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nerianasims · 4 years

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Billboards #1 1965

Under the cut.

Petula Clark – “Downtown” -- January 23, 1965

I love this song to bits. I don't entirely know why. Petula Clark obviously sings it wonderfully. There's that little bell that sometimes chimes in. There's a pattern to the song that makes it feel like Broadway, which is, of course, downtown. It's a fantasy version of a downtown in a big city. One thing I love about fantasy is a sense of place, and that's what this entire song is dedicated to. It's an unusual subject for pop music, and it's great.

The Righteous Brothers – “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” -- February 6, 1965

How does one even talk about this song? It feels somehow eternal. This is Phil Spector's production at its best. But Bill Medley's singing is the point. This song is one of the greats.

Gary Lewis And The Playboys – “This Diamond Ring” -- February 20, 1965

Gary Lewis is Jerry Lewis' son. Unlike his father, he does not consist entirely of annoyance-producing molecules, but the song's not good either. In it, the guy's fiancee dumped him and he's selling the diamond ring. A boring, bland heartbreak song that belongs three years or so back.

The Temptations – “My Girl” -- March 6, 1965

My mom used to sing this song to me when I was a little kid. I think a lot of parents sing this song to their little girls; it's that kind of love song. Yet it's not irritatingly antiseptic. It's about true love. True love can be a lot of things. This song is every superlative you can think of. Brilliant in every aspect.

The Beatles – “Eight Days A Week” -- March 13, 1965

It's a good, but not great, Beatles song. Very fun, with a lot of interesting things musically, like the bassline (as usual) and whatever George Harrison does with his guitar.

The Supremes – “Stop! In The Name Of Love” -- March 27, 1965

Finally, Diana Ross actually sounds kinda pissed off. It's also got more of a rock edge. She's still begging, and not threatening to leave the guy's cheating ass. Yet, though there is no explicit threat, I feel like there is an implied ultimatum here.

Freddie And The Dreamers – “I’m Telling You Now” -- April 10, 1965

It sounds like this guy is exaggerating his English accent. Considering the British Invasion, probably. He cackles like a monkey on acid, which is the only interesting thing about the song, which is otherwise a bland love song. Though the cackle is interesting, that doesn't make it good. It's creepy. I don't like this one.

Wayne Fontana & The Mindbenders – “The Game Of Love” -- April 24, 1965

"The purpose of a man is to love a woman, and the purpose of a woman is to love a man." Whoo boy. Dated. But the song is 55 years old. Attempting to put that aside, the music is good. The lyrics sound pushy, though. Also it gets terribly repetitive at the end. Meh.

Herman’s Hermits – “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got A Lovely Daughter” -- May 1, 1965

Was it once usual for guys to go to their ex-girlfriends' mothers to talk of their heartbreak after the girlfriend dumped them? This song is painfully "look how English I am! You Americans like to throw money at English pop singers, right?" It wears out its welcome quickly.

The Beatles – “Ticket To Ride” -- May 22, 1965

It's interesting how the Beatles seem to have matured five years in one. I can't imagine this group having performed "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The harmonies and rhythms in "Ticket to Ride" are far more complex, the sounds are more varied, and the lyrics are much more mature. His wife/girlfriend is absolutely determined to leave him, and he seems taken by surprise. Yet there are hints he shouldn't have been: "She would never be free when I was around." He goes on, "My baby don't care." Yet underneath there's the suggestion that she simply hasn't got it in her to care any more, because he's exhausted her. Layers of harmony and layers of meaning. It's an intelligent heartbreak song, and those are rare.

The Beach Boys – “Help Me, Rhonda” -- May 29, 1965

I know Brian Wilson was a musical genius but I usually don't like the Beach Boys. It's the lyrics. The narrator was dumped, now he's begging Rhonda to be his rebound. Lucky Rhonda. Then they sing "Help me Rhonda/ Help, help me Rhonda" about five dozen times. Not for me.

The Supremes – “Back In My Arms Again” -- June 12, 1965

Urgh. Don't listen to the Supremes' #1 hits close together. She's got her man back because she stopped listening to her friends' advice. In isolation, there's nothing wrong with that. After all the songs about rotten cheating assholes whom the narrator is desperate to keep, though, it's super uncomfortable. Also using the names of the two backup singers as the friends who give bad advice is in poor taste. And "Flo, she don't know, cuz the boy she loves is a Romeo"? You solely date Romeos! Taken alone, without the context of the other songs, it's good, though I still don't like the strange insult toward the backup singers. Taken with the rest of the Supremes' hits, though, I'm not happy. Especially considering these were all written by men.

The Four Tops – “I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch)” -- June 19, 1965

The Supremes weren't the only people in Motown singing about being hopelessly in love with someone who treated them badly. That's what this song is about. I like it, though the line "I'm weaker than a man should be" is a bit wince-inducing these days. But it's an honest sentiment about how men often feel they're not allowed to be idiots over love, though that's a near-universal human experience. Anyway, good song.

The Byrds – Mr. Tambourine Man -- June 26, 1965

The original version of this song was by Bob Dylan, but the Byrds didn't like it, so they changed the sound and ditched a bunch of the lyrics. The lyrics they were left with don't matter at all. This is all about the music, especially the guitar. It's mellow without being soporific, groovy without requiring drugs to understand. It's nice.

The Rolling Stones – “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” -- July 10, 1965

The Rolling Stones were almost never nice. They went straight for the gut -- or gonads -- found all the nastiest things that people are afraid to say and embarrassed to feel, and hung them up on the front porch. "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" sounds kind of silly today, since it's been played and overplayed so much. But that beginning riff still goes straight to the back-brain.

Two years before, pap like "Hey Paula" was clogging the airwaves. Funnily enough, it's the same subject matter: Goddamn I want to get laid. (The idea that Mick Jagger had trouble getting laid is pretty ridiculous, but anyway.) And then there's the critical bit about hating advertisements. They managed to stick a cultural criticism into a song that's about wanting sex. When you can't get no satisfaction, everything is annoying, and things that were already annoying to begin with start to feel unbearable. The Stones go harder in every way than any #1 before them.

Herman’s Hermits – “I’m Henry VIII, I Am” -- August 7, 1965

And here's the opposite. This song must be meant to be annoying, right? One of my friends and I used to sing it at our parents to drive them nuts, and that was before Ghost. It was their fault for exposing us to it in the first place.

Sonny And Cher – “I Got You Babe” -- August 14, 1965

Cher with Sonny is eternally confusing. Though their marriage didn't last, their love was real, and Cher was heartbroken when Sonny died. But anyway, the song. Sonny saying Cher has a "little hand" is goofy. Actually the whole song is kinda goofy, especially the beat that seems to be made of kazoos. Cher's got this powerful, deep voice, while Sonny has a squeaky little thing, but somehow they mesh. The sentiment is sincere, and a good picture of what it's like to be in a happy relationship. It's good.

The Beatles – “Help!” -- September 4, 1965

John Lennon was only 25 when he sang about being "younger, so much younger than today." But for the Beatles, that could have been two years before. They got so famous so fast and so young, I don't know how any of them lived through it. And that is what this song's about; Lennon called it a "public freak-out." But it's still universal. I love this song, and it helped carry me through some tough times.

Barry McGuire – “Eve Of Destruction” -- September 25, 1965

I remember when I first heard this song on the radio in the car with my mother, I asked her what "Old enough to kill/ But not for voting" meant. That's when I learned people used to not be able to vote until they were 21, though young men could be drafted at 18. I was absolutely stunned, and obviously it stuck with me. When you're a little kid, you tend to think the people in charge are generally fair. Then you find out that's not true at all. That's what this song is about, to me.

The McCoys – “Hang On Sloopy” -- October 2, 1965

Speaking of fair, I'm about to be totally unfair. I hate this fucking song. I had to play it endlessly in middle school band, and then I had to play it AGAIN in high school marching band. And the flute part in the arrangements was the most boring thing that has ever been conceived. I hate this song and I will not be listening to it or thinking about it more than this.

The Beatles – “Yesterday” -- October 9, 1965

Why do people in songs lose their significant others so often because they said something wrong and they don't know what it was? That can't be common. Anyway, this song is beautiful and sad. I'm kind of tired of all the covers of it though.

The Rolling Stones – “Get Off Of My Cloud” -- November 6, 1965

I'm listening to the original mono version of this, and mono sounds very strange these days. I keep wanting to check that my speakers are plugged in. Anyway, thanks to Jagger's marbles-in-mouth singing, I can't understand a word of this song except "Hey! you! get off of my cloud!" and I've never known the lyrics until now. And they're not important. Even the chorus isn't that important. This is all about the beat and the music, neither of which I find interesting for the entire length of the song. Not for me.

The Supremes – “I Hear A Symphony” -- November 20, 1965

A thoroughly happy Supremes song! I think Diana Ross is more suited to happy lovesongs than what she had been singing. She has a lot more emotion in her voice than she has before. The violins are lovely. I love this song.

The Byrds – “Turn! Turn! Turn!” -- December 4, 1965

I have always found this song slightly annoying. The Bible verse set to light pop thing doesn't do it for me. The music isn't anywhere near dramatic enough. This should be operatic, or heavy metal, or something else with serious weight. This is thin.

The Dave Clark Five – “Over And Over” -- December 25, 1965

This song is a bit of a throwback to three or four whole years before. It would have been good then. At this point, it's pretty boring. It's about going to a party he didn't want to go to, hitting on a girl, and getting turned down. The snare drum beat is very repetitive, and so is the melody. A big meh.

BEST OF 1965: "My Girl", with stiff competition. WORST OF 1965: "I'm Telling You Now"

#billboard number ones

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the-sappho-of-lesbos · 3 years

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It’s not that I don’t like most people per say. It’s just I can’t relate it then or connect to them or I start to feel really isolated and uncomfortable around them. And it seems to happen so much. I know it’s a me issue and it’s not their fault or problem. But it’s still hard. I don’t want to act as if people need to change for me or put out the impression that others need to do things differently for my sake. Because that’s not it. I just feel so fundamentally different from people. Even with people who enjoy similar things to me or might have similar issues to me, I just can’t seem to relate to them and I just start feeling broken and uncomfortable and trapped and like I just don’t want to be there anymore. And I hate that part of myself. Because fundamentally I KNOW that my core beliefs are just to try and accept people and let people be who they are and do what makes them happy. But at the same time I feel like even though that’s how I feel I just can’t be around most people most of the time because things just don’t click for me. I feel like I’m stuck on the outside just watching. I do meet people where this isn’t an issue. But it happens so rarely and doesn’t always feel sustainable on my end because of my mental illnesses and overactive fear of doing something wrong or maybe being absuive.

So I just end up alone. I end up distancing myself or just not being able to engage with anything but fiction because it stresses me out. But then I start to get stressed out over fiction too and that cycle of feeling broken or different or incomplete or just wrong comes spiraling back in to the point where all I can do is look at my roof for hours or sleep because anything in this world starts to make me feel so lonely and wrong. And they loneliness just grows. I desire human connection and compatibility. I want to be able to have fun with other humans and share interests and build deep and meaningful relationships where I feel seen. But I don’t know how I do it. I lack the skills and personality to make them. No matter how hard I try or how hard I want them.

And I think that’s what ends up hurting me with being a lesbian too. I’m so rigid in my thinking and what my window of tolerance is. And the lesbian community is already so small. There are already limited of options of what I can come across. But because of all these rules and needs and requirements and just inabilities I have I end up not being able to connect to people. It always feels like I’m chasing and chasing and chasing after something I can’t find. Or I want to find it some places but I don’t get the emotional reaction I’m so desperately craving, which I don’t even know what that is some times, so I shut down and pull away and I start to feel uncomfortable and broken all over again. And suddenly that emotional bridge has been cut and I’m back at square one. Back to feeling isolated and lonely and broken. And I know that’s my fault. I no I have no one else to blame but myself. But I also feel like this is just who I am now. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to get what I’m so desperately after. So I just stay alone. And that loneliness eats away at me. Because I don’t know how to not be alone. Genuine understanding and companionship where I feel wanted and accepted and loved and where I give all that back to the other person almost feels like a mythical creature or story at this point. It doesn’t feel like it actually exists. But then I see people in this world have those things and I know it is real. I see how real it is to them. I just know I’m never going to be able to find that myself. And I know it’s because my heart and personality are so broken. I know it’s my own fault. I know I’m damaged beyond the point of repair and as much as I want that connection I’m never going to find it.

And honestly that’s a very painful and heartbreaking truth that I’ve had to accept.

#I’m just really sad today lol #sad and lonely and just feeling frustrated over my inability to feel comfortable around people #personal

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viktor-noctis · 4 years

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The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll McSh*tFace

This is my review for the film: The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll McShitFace.

Enjoy.

Tagging @christopherleefan because I think you might enjoy this? Also, I wrote a fic for Taste of Fear (or Scream of Fear for us Americans), and you can expect one for this film as well.

Pre-face: Okay, okay……………………………… Let me compose myself.

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……………………………..

Alright, hit the play button.

London 1874 – I paused just to be sure this was the actual date when the book was written.

It was originally published in 1886.

We’re off to a roaring start.

Ew. Children.

Playing in a garden, yep, this is about what I remember.

Little boy shoves girl’s flowers to the ground, and McShitFace talks about “dumb human animals” when referring to children. We agree on that, at least.

“Play out when they cannot speak out.” Jekyll McShitFace suggests they’ve mentally blocked the ability to speak, due to the fact that they are letting another part of them be free to express itself…. What a load of garbage.

You resigned? Here I thought they fired you for being a creep. The fact that Ernst believes he really is a genius makes me want to punch something.

They’ve been married for six years??

No servants, no friends, and Jekyll has cut all professional ties to study the mind… Like a madman. Yeah, I can see Kitty hating this.

Beyond Good and Evil? Beyond the reach of society?

“A very dangerous man, my friend.” No shit, Ernst. Jekyll is suggesting the ‘higher man’ is the one within, while Ernst suggests that the weaker man maybe the ‘evil’ one. Or what we deem ‘evil’. Jekyll, like some, has come to some crackpot conclusion that by drawing out the ‘evil’ man, the ‘weaker’ man within him, that he can isolate and destroy him… Or something to that effect.

Jekyll never answers Ernst when he asks if he’s used it on anything other than a monkey and I find that telling.

Paul is here. Ernst is leaving.

Jekyll is quite charitable to Paul, if nothing else, and Kitty is putting up a marvelous front. Kitty even tries to get him to spend time with her here, but I have a feeling she knows where this is going. She’s probably done this a million times. This is another for the till.

I can tell Kitty is tired of this. Jekyll spends night and day in the lab. All the time. Yeah, that’d wear on most women. Considering the time period, this is all very strange. Then again, this is a ‘Strange Case’, or it was supposed to be.

Kitty telling him about Jekyll shouting to himself in his room, along with a strange voice that wasn’t his own, for an entire night… “Married to a man of great talent.” Ernst, my dude…

Kitty’s asking if he is insane enough to be sent away. Ernst says he isn’t: “we must both try to help him.” Right.

Christopher Lee! Damnit, he’s so tall. How tall is this actress?

They’re so cute. Terrible, but cute.

The top of her head reaches his nose or so. He’s a damn good kisser…

Kitty looks lovely in blue.

And is an extrovert.

Jekyll is an introvert.

Still hate him.

Don’t bash the girl for liking to go out. Or ask her to: “take the evening off”.

“I need you tonight, Kitty. Stay.” That’s not creepy. After years of being ignored, that’s not creepy in the slightest.

Okay, this might be just me, but… I see Kitty’s perspective. I sort of see Jekyll’s? It’s a grey area. I’ve paused it to explain my reasoning –

Kitty, is an extrovert, as I’ve stated. She gets her energy from going out, being around people, and having a good time. That’s great. Good for her, you have fun girl, and take your boytoy (he really is, as often as he gets in money trouble) with you. Jekyll is decidedly not. To say they are incompatible would be an understatement.

Kitty is the type of woman who glows under attention, who craves it from both her partner and others. But mostly, her partner. Enter Paul, who’s proven to be attached to her mostly through money, but there’s so much more there. Again, I love these two, because they’re so terribly flawed, but so clearly in love.

Jekyll, meanwhile, cut all attachment to “live like a hermit in the center of London”. Ernst’s words straight from the beginning of the film. I bet you Kitty was stifled, for years, before Paul came along. Now, not much is revealed of the how Jekyll became friends with him, when he did, or even why he did, but I want to bet it was during University or something. That seems the most likely theory, given Jekyll’s nature.

The Jekyll side is a bit more convoluted. Again, I don’t think Kitty is being unfair here. There’s no telling how long she stayed lonely, cooped up in that house (reference back to when Ernst talked about no friends, no company, and no servants), and was just… bored, sad, and upset.

Ernst even mentioned the house being ‘in ruins’.

She calls him selfish for making it such an issue. I get the feeling he sort of deserves it. Also, she’s in love with Paul now, so that adds another layer to their relationship not working and being incredibly strained.

“I’m not going to insult my friends for the sake of your whims.” Is what her argument amounted to. Again, the movie is making her sound like the selfish one, but you really have to take into account the history, nature, and aspects of each character. In doing so, I don’t really think she is. I think she’s in love with another man, bound to a farce of a marriage, and is doing the best she can by not staying near her creepy husband.

And yep, human experimentation time.

Yeah, go ahead McShitFace, sit at your desk and wait to become The Literal Worst.

Party time. I’m shuddering. Too. Many. People. Ew.

They’re both terrible.

I love them.

Awful.

Paul complains of being bored, and yet she is bored doing the things he likes. They jab and jibe. He looks at another woman. They jab and jibe some more.

They’re bickering like they’re already married.

Get a room.

Terminate their relationship?

They bring up their attachment, again, always with the money. Kitty likes a man free of shame, Paul thinks he might lose her to a man who had even less. Hahahaha. You nerds. You’re in too deep and you both know it.

The Literal Worst has arrived. And he’s uglier than ever.

The Sphinx? That’s the name of this trash heap ballroom?

Hyde looks like a Tool. Barely two minutes on screen and he’s got the Creep Smirk going.

Hoes do not stand together, I see.

Paul and Kitty smiling at each other, having a grand old time. I love them.

Hyde showing his true colors already, by eyeing up Kitty, while dancing with another girl (though I’m pretty sure she’s a prostitute. Or just a woman who gets around, living off other men’s money). Wow, he also says some not-so-nice things to her before heading after Paul and Kitty, who’s having a hell of a time. Paul can also be a jackass –

“Don’t drink too much tonight, my darling.” She says it with such tenderness, while taking the glass from his hand.

“Cunning little kitty cat. Rather a dull husband than a drunken lover, eh?” Paul’s already slurring. He’s entered cad mode. Feel free to kick him to the curve, my dear. He deserves to nurse his hangover by himself.

She just looks disappointed.

Kitty’s creep alert is going off. Listen to it, honey. Run. Run, far away.

She’s trying to take Paul home.

Then going to dance with Hyde. Fuck. Kitty, listen to your Creep Radar.

Friendship with Kitty? Honey. No. Run. “Can I trust you?”

?? Kitty. No. Do not trust the creep.

Prostitute girl is back, claiming Hyde tried to force her, and some dude wants recompense. Kitty just wants to go home. Paul refuses to leave, to help Hyde.

Has common sense become a commodity that only Kitty is buying??

“Give the lady a few sovereigns, and there’ll be no trouble.” Yeah, sounds like a prostitute. Kitty bids them all goodnight. Paul looks sad to see her go. Should have thought about that before you acted the bastard.

Hyde tells them to go to hell and take the trollop with him. Dude dives at them, Paul knocks him out… And Hyde keeps hitting him. Paul stops him, telling him not to kill him, and then asks him if he’s ill.

“Let me alone, Jekyll. Let me alone.” Dumbass. Jekyll voice coming out of Hyde. That’s not creepy. Paul looks amused by the creep show. Hyde leaves the place, screaming, and being weird.

Lots of voice changing. This actor is actually really good. Jekyll realizes what he did, because Hyde says: “I will be back, Jekyll. I will return.”

Jekyll: “Never. Never.”

So he knows this was a bad idea?

Goes into Kitty’s room, whose reading, and she starts talking about her ‘party’. She wants to go to sleep. Jekyll still comes closer, being a creep. Creep Radar is blaring.

“I need you, Kitty. I need you desperately.” And he comes in, trying to kiss at her, mouthing at her neck. Like a creep. I know this is a parallel to later in the film (yeah, it’s terrible), when Hyde is in control, but I still hate this.

I had to pause during the next scene to do a deep character analysis –

Kitty pushes him off, telling him she’s tired, and even says “please”. As if she should have to beg him to keep his damn creep hands to himself. He still has a wild, crazy look in his eye, and asks: “What are you really like, Kitty?”

“I’m your wife, that’s all I am.” She answers it with such evenness, barely disturbed, and it reminds me of what Paul said to her –

“From perfect wife to perfect mistress, and back again to perfect wife.”

This movie has a lot to do with the masks we wear. We change them, depending on who we’re talking to: family, friends, strangers, lovers, etc. All the different relationships we have require a mask, shadowing the core of who we are, because letting someone see everything of ourselves is too terrifying to consider. We don’t show our true selves out of fear, pride, or some other convoluted mixture of emotions.

However, every mask has a basis, a template of origin.

I feel as if, at some point, Kitty really did love Jekyll. She must have. She married him not for his intelligence, not for his money, but because she genuinely loved him. Kitty loves too deeply, too strongly, and has all the hallmarks of a woman who has been burned by that depth of attachment.

“It’s my fault, a woman who shows her feelings always loses dignity.” Kitty says this during the first bit of the dance she has with Paul, which reveals so much of her character. She doesn’t look at him when she says it, the pain of her admittance is too much, and she shies away from anyone witnessing it. Even Paul.

Her relationship with Paul is strained right now. It’s weird. It seems like neither of them knows where it’s going, too afraid to continue, but even more horrified by the prospect of letting the other go.

When speaking of breaking their ‘arrangement’ (look up ‘affair’ in the dictionary), Kitty suggested Paul wouldn’t be able to get along financially without her. Paul rebuffed her, saying that Jekyll and he had been friends for years, and she was just his dutiful wife… despising him.

There’s an ease between them that feels years old, yet I doubt it was from the get-go of hers and Jekyll’s marriage. No, she probably did hate him quite a bit, in the beginning. But there’s a thin line between love and hate, one that can be crossed with loneliness. I like to think it was physical at first, a build up of tension between a woman caged in a house, and watching this man go out and spend her husband’s money.

It was probably Paul who convinced her to come out with him one evening. Fuck it. Jekyll wants to stay in his lab all night? Well, why should you stay too? Kitty probably said no at first. Why would she go out with this smarmy bastard, who gambles, who sleeps with anything that has legs, and drinks himself silly? But then there’s the wanting, the listening to her husband tinker away, watching life go by without her…

She probably went to Jekyll. She tried to talk to him, have dinner with her in the house that night. Without any servants, she’s learned to cook. He makes a point of trying to be nice but talks about his work… Always his work. She asks him to kiss her, as if that’s something she should have to nearly beg for. And what did he do? On the verge of some great breakthrough?

“Not right now, Kitty. I’m busy.”

Kitty, who is strong, vibrant, and beautiful, is not enough to stir a man from the wake of progress. From pride.

Humiliation and defeat, a loathing that breaks through love, stuffs her chest and nearly throttles her on the spot. Retreating, glassy eyed to her room. She probably cried, mourning her broken heart.

After that, she demands to go with Paul.

There’s probably a touch of shock, then a knowing smirk. He’s probably seen lots of women with husbands who ignore them, falling into his kind of life, dancing and drinking and laughing their nights away.

He’s not ready for this one.

Alright, hitting play again –

“But the woman inside of you, is that woman my wife?”

No. No, she’s not. She belongs with Paul.

Stop shaking her. She’s right. Get out.

Take your: “Who am I?”s and get the fuck out.

Cut to Paul being a cad again. Ugh. Go home to Kitty, you absolute tool bag.

He and Hyde are sitting at a table in The Sphinx with two bimbos. Wonderful.

Hyde is a creep. I will say that no less than ten times in this review. I probably already have.

The fuck is this?

They’re doing something weird.

Really weird.

A snake charmer dance.

Am I to assume they wish us to believe that snake is venomous?

Okay, to be fair, all snakes and spiders are venomous, but the potency of their venom varies in such a way that they effect most human bodies on different levels. I say ‘most’ because you can be allergic to something, and receive a far more harrowing experience than 98% of the population.

However, that does not excuse the fact that the creature in question is a ball python and is therefore basically harmless. Minus some swelling and bruising.

I had to pause to write that, okay, playing again –

Yeah, this poor animal is being abused by being forced into a ‘sensual dance’ with this woman. ‘Tigress’, they call her, kill me now. Paul says she’s exclusive to the elite. Kill me twice over. This dance is the worst. That poor snake is confused.

Paul is looking worriedly at Hyde as he stares, transfixed, at this woman. Dude, he wants to get bitch slapped, let him.

Christopher Lee’s eyebrows are doing things to me. Paul is the real eye candy in this shit show.

UGHASDKFJASDKFNAMSDKFJNASDKF

Jkljasdfklajsdklfansdkfnj

Klasjeirkmaskdfnjkasdjf

Klasdmfnkasndf

JKLASJDKLFNASKLDFNJ

UGH

SHE

SHE PUT

THE SNAAEK

HEAD

MOTUH

WHY? WHY? WHY would –

WOULD uuo –

That poor animal.

Tell me that was fake.

She did not really put that poor creature’s head in her mouth.

This is abuse.

Not to mention, really gross. Salmonella, and a million other diseases could potentially exist on the skin of a reptile. Do not handle reptiles and then touch your face, or eat, or put any part of their body inside your mouth. Wash hands after handling, thank you.

Disgusting.

And people are clapping. And cheering.

Is this what passes for ‘exotic’ in the 1700s????

Maybe it’s my modern cynicism, but I am not impressed. I am shuddering in revulsion.

Mostly because of the snake in mouth bit.

Gods.

End me.

I’m about to shriek.

“Forget it, dear boy. She’s not in the prep-school class. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

Paul. Paul.

Have you ever considered:

She’s blind.

You’re gorgeous.

And you have a gorgeous woman waiting on you at home.

Why do you bother with the bimbos?

Girl on the right is pretty, okay, she’s like… an 8. Chick on the left is… also pretty, but like a 7.

Kitty is a damn 16, she blows them out of the water. There is no competition. When you’ve already had it all, why bother even looking at anything less? She gets bumped up to a 30 for the fact that she has a brain, she snarks, she jabs with the best of them, and is not afraid to leave you to your well-deserved hangover.

I will fight for Kitty’s honor.

Paul. I’m about to throw down.

He calls the dancer over – Maria – and I can already tell he’s going to –

Yep. Be a bastard.

“She only uses Christian names in bed.”

He deserved that drink to the face.

Even Hyde looks surprised. Then impressed.

Pft – HA! I have to quote this:

“Well, ladies, it seems that I must entertain you both.” He says, while soaked with what one can assume is scotch. “I trust that you will not be too disappointed.” Girl on the right looks like she expects to be disappointed. Ms. Left has her game face on.

“Oh, we’ll just have to manage.” Left is already up and at it.

“Somehow or other.” Right is playing along for now.

“Thank you for your confidence.” Paul’s reply does not sound confident in the slightest. He follows them through a curtain doorway. I’d say, ‘poor bastard’, but he doesn’t deserve my sympathy right now.

Hyde is creeping on Maria now.

“Keep away from him, he is dangerous.”

Yeah. To medium sized rodents.

Actually, considering Hyde is nothing more than a big, smelly, greasy, slimy rat –

Nah, wouldn’t want to give the poor thing indigestion.

“Your friend talked to me like a common whore.”

I assumed you two knew each other? I don’t know, they are weird and vague on that. Alan says he’s tried, then claims what names she uses in bed, and she did throw the drink on him afterwards. I’ve no idea.

I will give this to Hyde: He is a smooth talker. He is also, however, still a bastard.

And the makeup they used on this actress is not flattering at all. I’ve seen pictures of her, and she was beautiful. They somehow made her look hideous. ‘Impertinent’ is a word, though not quite the one I would use for this piece of garbage.

I love putting subtitles on. They’re so dumb.

(Soft sensual music) my ass.

Of course they shag. Why wouldn’t they?

She’s given him an in, now… “You do not buy, you do not beg.” A man who ‘takes’. No, do not give him that.

“A nice, cold wife.” I’m so furious.

They do have a servant! An old woman. Probably a concession after years.

“Mr. Hyde.” Creep.

‘Nanny’.

“Lately, this house has become unused to visitors.”

“The wife of a recluse…”

Trying to sweet talk a woman in love will not go over well for you.

Paul’s??? Paul’s friendship. What a save.

“The question of trespass hardly arises. Mr. Allen has no property rights in me.”

And as for Henry: “Henry leads his own life. He doesn’t seek my approval, and I don’t seek his. Is that wrong?”

OOOOOOFFFFF.

Sweet talk till you talk like that.

“To the boredom of being a neglected wife, and the humiliation of being a rejected mistress.”

It almost felt like she was into the flirting till he said that, but I still get the feeling she wouldn’t have slept with him. You can enjoy flirting, some people do it for a living, but not the act that comes after. As I said before, Kitty wears many masks. This one is short-lived. Hyde has insulted her, and the change in her demeanor is like a switch.

Kitty loves too deeply, to be reminded of her first failing, and the possibility of her loss of Paul is a kick in the teeth. Is she not worth loving? Is science, money, knowledge, other women – is she just no match? Can she have nothing out of this?

“I must say, you are honest. A trifle obvious, perhaps, but honest.” And too close to the surface, too close to the proverbial nail. Kitty is genuinely afraid of losing Paul, and it shows. She’s clinging onto something she feels she can’t hold onto, whether for her already damaged pride or because she doesn’t want to be hurt again. Her face only really started to shift when he said mistress.

“My great affair has already begun.” She’s pulling herself so easily from his arms. He talks about great love since he felt her in his arms, and she just turns away with this casual walk of a knowing woman.

“It was well advanced before ever you appeared on the scene.” She looks almost proud, though there’s still this edge to her. She expects it to crash and burn. She’s just waiting for it.

“I wonder what is the special quality in a man as weak, unscrupulous, and utterly unreliable as Paul Allen?” This really bothers him. Hyde is essentially Jekyll unchained, a copy of the inner, dark urges of one man laid bare, and given free run of the place… And he’s a total rat bastard.

And Kitty is smiling. Kitty is overjoyed.

“I don’t question your description, Mr. Hyde.” She’s radiating with delight. Even that description of Paul in all his awful glory stirs nothing but happiness in her.

“Well then, but why…” And he’s reaching for her, stroking his fingers over her back. It’s this odd mimicry of how Jekyll tried to hold her that night. Ugh.

“I merely happen to love him.” Yes! SHE SAID IT!

“Love? Love is an idiocy!” And she’s laughing again. I’m beginning to believe Kitty uses laughter to cover her pain. Hyde/Jekyll McShitFace uses rage.

“An idiocy of mine, perhaps, but a fact.” Then we get this beautiful close up of her face, the vindication with which she says it has me living –

“I love Paul Allen.” Love, you must be so blind and so wonderful.

(Ominous music). As Hyde descends back to his basement to turn back into Jekyll. Back to the sewer, your garbage monster.

Ernst is here. Okay, something weird is happening again. Jekyll has a heightened metabolism. Probably from sustaining two rat bastards instead of one. I’ve no idea how much time has elapsed, but quite a bit I’m guessing. A week? A month? Another year? Nah, probably more like a week or so.

Jekyll’s life is “burning out at a much faster rate.”

Kitty is fed up with being Paul’s ‘bank clerk’. Yeah, let’s bring Henry into this. ‘Let him deal with life’s little problems and leave us its gaiety’? You are a cad. Why do you love him again, Kitty? You can do better.

She’s sick of being used.

“How can you talk of our love in this way?” Love? Is this the first time you bring it up to her? While asking for money? Aklsjdfkasjdf

Men are annoying.

“You hypocrite!” Thank you.

Debts of honor, my pale ass.

He’s going to Henry.

Ernst knows he’s addicted to something. He says it’s more damning, whatever it is.

At least Paul is honest. Jekyll is being cold to him now. He knows about him and Kitty now. He goes back to his work desk. ‘Going away’. Right. Run.

Paul gets nothing. Notes something must be wrong with him.

Kitty is worried about Paul now.

And fuck – Jekyll is giving full power of his shit to Hyde. His estate, his money, his assets, everything goes to Hyde. This happened in the book, of course, but this completely cuts Kitty off as well.

Also, he even says he’s using Hyde to ‘learn all he can’. You pretty much know it all. Kitty, your wife, is in love with your ‘friend’, Paul. It’s not that hard. You’ve effectively been gaslighting them from the beginning.

“For do I want to return to a life of frustrated isolation and loveless misery?”

I have…

So many problems with this statement alone.

You left your wife, even said it yourself, neglected. For years. So much so, that she’s alone as well. Of course she searched for something beyond you, when you chose to isolate yourself first… And you know what? I’m happy for Kitty, she found something, someone to love and love her in return. Is it perfect? No, but –

Anything and everything can be traced back to you, you sorry sack of literal shit. I’m about to lose it. He’s reaping what he’s sewn, and now he’s trying to escape it.

I’m so pissed off.

He drinks more stuff. Great. The return of The Literal Worst is upon us.

Wow… Never heard Christopher Lee say that before –

“Damn bad luck you’ve been having, I hear, Allen, old man.” Some man comments on the state of Paul’s life, which has gone to hell in a handbasket.

“Damn bad luck.” Paul’s agreement seems to taste as bad as the cigarette he’s smoking. I wonder how many are his, in that overflowing mound of ash and stumps, at the center of the table.

“Oh, well, luck’s a bitch, old boy.” Not sure that was a saying yet, but maybe this is the one that starts the trend.

“Oh, I shouldn’t think so.” Paul looking like he’d like to swallow down the rest of the decanter on the table, with Hyde being the creep that just walked in. “I’ve always had the best possible luck with bitches.”

I just about spit my tea. Not even kidding.

“Almost always, anyway.”

You’re terrible. Kitty should leave without either of you.

How is this review over 4K words? Who’s still reading this?

“Women aren’t a weakness they’re a recurrent necessity.” Paul. Paul. What are you doing?

‘Oldest mistress’.

Paul. You’re awful with money and it’s obvious.

They’re going to go out on the town. Like bastards. Hyde is The Literal Worst.

Snap shots of London’s underbelly during the 1700s… Brawling, lots of drinking and bad singing, and… smoking? Opium? Hooka? Who the fuck knows anymore.

Paul’s out. Hyde is doing the 100-yard Creep Stare.

Paul is out making debts again. ‘Honorable’ ones, at least.

Now he’s out of ideas. It’s been a week. He spent all that money – 5,000 in a week. Ouch. “But you, are a fool.” We agree on that. That is the only thing Hyde, and I will ever agree on.

“And I’ll try Kitty.”

Ha.

Haha.

You can see the wheels turning unpleasantly in Paul’s head. His brow is doing that furrowed thing when he’s confused.

“What the devil do you mean, Hyde?” You know what he means, you just don’t want him to go on. You’re hoping he doesn’t mean what you think he means.

“Well, that should be simple enough for even you to understand.” Again, insulting people while mixing in kind words, though his next ones are far from kind: “I am telling you to obtain your mistress for me.”

Paul is rising out of his chair. His brow is still doing that furrowed thing, but it has gotten even deeper. The rage is coming, a wave that was slow to foam, but quick to rise.

“You unspeakable devil.” There’s still some disbelief, but there’s no denying the shock.

Hyde is doing the creep laugh with a – “How very amusing.” Now you can see the anger, it’s chiseling its way into his features, hard and sharp.

“Paul Allen, breaker of every law in the moral code, is shocked into morality.”

Full blown: I’d punch the ever-living hell out of you. I’m about to.

“You vile, disgusting degenerate.” His lips are quivering. He’s barely holding it together.

“Be rational, my friend.” You’re pushing him far beyond ‘rational’. “I’m asking for the temporary loan of a proven adulteress, of whom you yourself have grown somewhat tired.”

First of all: fuck you. Second of all: Kitty already said he has no property rights to her.

“You go back to hell!” Paul. Punch. Him.

Oh… Wait… Yeah, he’d probably get in trouble for that. And then be sent to jail. And I doubt he wants to be in there while Kitty is out here with this lunatic. Yeah, running out before you lose it seems wise.

Still should have throttled him a bit.

Now what is The Literal Worst doing? Going back to the house…

And sneaking into Kitty’s room. You creep. I’ve never wished to jump through a television screen more.

They only have one servant, ‘Nanny’, is her name.

He’s blackmailing her. With Paul’s notes. Fuck. ‘Buy him back’.

She’s laughing. Yes, that is Kitty’s response to being uncomfortable.

“You utterly repel me.” YES! Go girl! She laughs as he storms out, tossing the notes away. Then she closes and locks the door, pressing her back to it. She was probably more than a little terrified.

Hyde assaults a homeless man, shoving him down, and steps over him. That was in the book… Then back to some cesspit that Paul showed him.

There’s something weird going on here with Hyde and this girl.

Cut to Kitty and Paul snuggling. And kissing. This is the quality content I came for. He’s wearing the same shirt from earlier… Which means he probably took a good long walk, had a small conniption, and then went straight to her.

“Why does love make us behave so hatefully to one another?” Yeah, well, Paul has been the terrible one here.

“Because we’re cowards, my darling. We want everything.” I’m not sure what Paul’s deal is, why he is the way he is… He could just be an ivy league guy who grew up, not knowing how to handle money, he might not come with as much baggage as the rest of them.

Why can’t they just be happy and cute?

Go away? Start a new life? Yeah, do that.

Right now.

Leave.

Before Jekyll McShitFace gets back.

Ah, they planned to mug Hyde, using the girl as a means to dupe him. Seems about right. Also deserved.

Ah, Kitty is leaving Jekyll. About bloody time. Also, the wrong time, considering the whole Hyde business.

Jekyll has destroyed his drugs, though admits that Hyde’s grip is too powerful. Right. As if Ernst didn’t warn you it was an addiction. “No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy him.” You mean you, right? Because, he is, after all, you.

The kids are back in the garden. This can only end well.

Oh, they’re leaving. Good…

Paul and Kitty are making out again. Good for them.

Jekyll shoved a kid. Bad for him.

Same little girl who’s always trying to give him flowers. Yeah, he’s losing it. Rushing back into lab to pen a last will and testament one can hope –

Nope, no such luck.

‘Exorcise him’. Right.

Handwriting switch. Interesting.

Paul admitting to Kitty he’s in trouble with Hyde.

If looks could kill.

Hyde lures them with an invitation from Jekyll, about their last evening together being ‘gay’.

Kitty doesn’t want to go, she’s frightened. Listen to your gut.

Paul wants to stay, because they think he’ll settle. Kitty agrees.

Fuck.

Cabaret. Ugh.

Someone get me out of here. Lots of underwear. This is painful.

Hyde making plans to meet with Maria before meeting with Paul and Kitty, who’s dressed for a funeral. Paul. Don’t. Go. Of course, he does.

Up to Maria’s room. Piss it.

More cabaret. I’ll hand it to you ladies; you can cartwheel and front flip. That is impressive. Also, I’m completely serious, because the amount of muscles it takes to do that are insane. Flexibility is also key. Congrats ladies.

Paul meets with Hyde.

“Surely we can keep Kitty out of this.” He knows something’s up and didn’t want to involve her. Smart, but also stupid.

“Hardly.” Hyde’s reply sets my teeth on edge.

Paul. Don’t go into that room. To meet him in private. Fuck me. Backwards. Paul.

A ball python. How dangerous. Paul. There’s a table right there. Squish the fucker. I mean, I’m against animal cruelty, but in the case of the story, that thing is supposed to be deadly. Squish. Squish. Otherwise, leave him the fudge alone and he’ll leave you alone.

Kitty… Don’t go with the creepy man. Listen to your Creep Radar.

Paul’s dead. Kitty doesn’t deserve this. Don’t –

I hate this. I hate this. Paul is literally dead in the other room.

I’m writing so much fix-it fic for this, you won’t believe.

This review is 18 pages long. If you’ve made it this far, may the gods have mercy on you, because my wrath at this point is endless.

Maria is in Jekyll’s house. He told her to go back to that house, put on Kitty’s clothes –

“The pattern of justice is complete.”

Rot. In. Hell.

Paul and Kitty deserved better. They deserved each other.

Kitty waking up, gods’ I hate this. She’s a wreck. Her hair, her clothes… You can tell she’s about to be sick. She’s barely holding it together. There’s a fucking note… A note leading her to the snake… She finds Paul dead. She’s already shellshocked. Out onto the balcony…

“Paul.” Her last word.

She plummets over the balcony, through the glass roof, and –

Cut to Maria saying: “I love you Edward.”

“I can’t love.” We can agree on two things. Those two things.

“I must be free.” Right before murdering Maria.

Jekyll finally takes back over, rightfully horrified, and runs back to his lab. With three corpses under his belt.

What an interesting mirror effect…

“Why must you destroy?”

“I must be free.”

Then we go back-and-forth, about who murdered, who revenged, and who was wronged. They weren’t in Hyde’s way, but Jekyll was. He doesn’t ‘feel’. Yeah, right…

Hyde is every dark, terrible impulse Jekyll has had, given life and form. His desire to be free, to run rampant, has been a desire of Jekyll’s since the beginning. Free the beast so he could kill it… Then proceeded to twist it to gaslight his wife, his friend, and everyone else. He was living a life, a lie, a sham. The desire for freedom from persecution for our desires, to be allowed to do what we want, when we want, without judgement has been an overarching theme in all of society. People are persecuted for what pronouns they want to use, for how they eat, how they dress, how they talk –

However, because Hyde is merely a reflection, one can assume his desire for freedom is mirrored in Jekyll’s continued desire for the same. Jekyll wants to continue to exist, so Hyde must desire to exist in turn. He’s still composed completely of Jekyll’s desires.

He says he doesn’t feel, yet there is a desperation, a fear in his voice when he says: “You must lose, Jekyll.” Because he’s afraid he won’t. He’s horrified by the idea of being trapped forever, of their relation being found out…

Cut to Inspector being on the case at The Sphinx.

Wow, a lady in gentleman’s clothing runs The Sphinx. Nice.

Jekyll trying to leave a letter to Ernst. Yeah, that’ll go over well. He calls a street cleaner over to take his note to Ernst, but of course, Hyde has to upset that plan.

Again, I give props to the actor for the massive amount of voice switching, and playing the ‘tortured’ scientist, and the King of the Creeps.

Hyde is about to kill this street cleaner. Mate, why did you come into this guy’s house to randomly move something for him? He shoots him in the back, of course…

The Inspector arrives! Not in time…

Hyde is about to torch the place. Of course he is.

He puts up a performance for the police, saying Jekyll is nuts… Whole place is on fire, with street cleaner acting as a sub-in for the body of Jekyll.

I swear, if this fucker gets away with this, I will riot.

Is nobody seeing the Creepiest Grin of the Century?

No, of course not, they’re trying to fight a raging fire.

And of course, there’s a court hearing over the whole thing. Jekyll went nuts. True. He was addicted to drugs. Also true, though it’s not any kind ever seen before. Sought vengeance for imagined slights. True again.

“Fortunate to have escaped – “

Screw you.

Death by suicide. If only.

Do not tell me this is how this movie ends.

“A fine man. A fine – “

Shut up Ernst.

“The higher man.” Shut your face hole, Hyde.

Jekyll is coming out.

“I must leave immediately.” Oh no, you don’t, you bastard.

“Help me.” Keep talking, Jekyll. Get out of there. Confess. You deserve it.

Lots of struggling here. Again, props to the actor.

Inspector, Ernst, and everyone are watching. Do it now, you bastard.

He turned back into Jekyll!

Finally! You did something useful!

He looks really old. Apparently being Hyde aged him decades.

You can still rot in hell.

“I have destroyed him.”

“And yourself, my poor friend.”

“Only I could destroy him.” Dramatic pause. “And I have.”

He’s arrested.

Abrupt Hammer Horror Ending.

Kitty and Paul deserved better.

This review is 20 pages long, over 6K words, and it took me 4 hours to get through it because I kept pausing and rewinding to quote.

You’re welcome.

#The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll #McSh*tFace #I'm So Tired #Christopher Lee #This Took Way Too Long #Movie Review #Kitty and Paul Deserved Better #So Much Fix-It Fic To Write

4 notes · View notes

aqpippin · 4 years

Note

All asks ending with 2 and 7 ✨ if you’re still doing them

the way I love you for this 🥺👀 look at me getting all my thoughts out

also look at me using the read more shortcut I learnt this morning 🌟 buckle up bc this is long lmao

2: is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to? —

fake dating au!! I have an idea in mind but there are some other wips I want to get through first!

7: share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it —

surprise, it’s from kof!!

“Jackie tells Nicky about how much she loves Jan, and before they know it Jackie is giving Nicky a play-by-play of her and Jan’s domestic life and filling her in on all of Jan’s little quirks that she has grown to love. She tells Nicky everything - how Jan sleeps on the right-hand side of the bed because she’s the little spoon and doesn’t like facing the window when she sleeps, how she goes to Jackie’s favourite Persian supermarket on the other side of the city to get the good lokum when she knows Jackie is having a bad day, how she stops in to see Jackie’s parents every Wednesday after she’s seen her own.”

look, we all know I’m a soft bitch .. but this in particular makes my heart flutter 🥺🥰 there’s just something that feels so right about jackie knowing and loving all the little things about jan — tbh I can’t word it any better than this but just know I’m very proud of the characterisation in kof

12: is there an episode above all others that inspires you just a little bit more? —

I don’t think so! not one that I’m like consciously aware of lmao

17: do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order? —

depends! oneshots I write in order but for multi chapter works I have bits and pieces all over the place and just string it together later! like I have parts of barracuda done that are from later chapters but I haven’t finished chapter one yet

22: choose a passage from one of your earlier fics and edit it into your current writing style. (Person sending the ask is free to make suggestions) —

look .. I only have one fic that doesn’t fit my current style bc it was written 2 years ago - so I’m gonna roll with back to you (chapter 4)!! also let me preface this by saying the only difference that I have noticed is that I used to write in past tense and now I find myself writing everything in present tense omg

Aquaria sighs as she watches Brianna braid, undo and rebraid Evie’s hair. Her fingers move easily with familiarity, and Aquaria eventually notices that Brianna isn’t even looking at the fine brunette curls, rather just staring at the wall blankly. Aquaria knows Brianna well enough to know that there’s something on her mind when she gets like this, something she doesn’t want Aquaria to know about - but Aquaria has never been one to drop a subject easily.

“You’re in your head again. Talk to me, B.” Aquaria coos, tucking her feet under her legs. Aquaria was always been told that Brianna had spent years working on managing her feelings of isolation and rejection, that the brunette sometimes struggled with feeling unwanted. There are times where Aquaria thinks that the nature of their relationship and their family brings back those feelings, and that perhaps Brianna needs something that represents permanence - something that tells her she’s wanted. She thinks about it a lot, but she doesn’t dare ask if it’s true.

27: how do you feel about collaborations? —

never done one, maybe one day 👀 it’s not something I’ve thought a lot about much, but I’ve definitely thought about it

32: how do you feel about smut? —

honestly at this point I think this question answers itself

37: talk about your current wips —

how much time do we have? I have a few so let’s discuss in quick fire style (but definitely check my fic-specific tags for more bits and pieces) !!

1. Keep on Flourishing: sequel to god is a woman, married!jankie, 10 year reunion, smut, fluff, quite jackie-centric

2. Barracuda: high school au, swimmer au, jankie/crygi/ ?? halldoll, enemies to lovers, smut, jackie and jan centric, background angsty crygi

3. I Leave the Light on For You: song fic exchange project!!, romantic-vs-cynic!jankie, teacher!au (kinda, not really), jackie finds herself starting to like things she used to hate bc they’re things that jan likes

4. amortentia au (remains unnamed): haven’t worked on it in a while!, jankie/crygi/lemyanka, probably going to be a series of oneshots, soulmate au, CANDLES THAT SMELL LIKE YOUR SOULMATE, still requiring 2 more scents for both lem and pri, the others are sorted (hmu if you have an idea of what they would smell like lmao)

5. Not a House but a Home: Christmas!jankie, it’s finished (I think👀), they’re decorating their apartment and they’re in love uwu

6. Wonderland: jankie, crygi, halldoll all live in the same apartment building - what could go wrong?, newlywed!jankie, and-they-were-roommates!crygi, romantic-vs-cynic halldoll, possibly room for lemyanka ??

7. We’ve Got Tonight: Crystal’s mad at Gigi, Gigi wants to fix her mistakes, Jackie just wants everyone to get along, Jan just wants to fucking get married

#asks #crygimethoode #fic writers asks #I can’t get some of the links to work lmao so be sure to check:#keep on flourishing #giaw/kof verse #I leave the light on for you #amortentia au #pip talks wips

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serenagaywaterford · 5 years

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What is tender culture????

tender culture is all this cottagecore, domesticity, uwu crap that is particularly prevalent in lesbian/wlw circles. like i’m all for fluff and thinking positively but tender culture seems to reduce loving women to a set of stereotypical “feminine” soft and gentle traits. like here’s an example:

“we are in a toasty log cabin in the woods. it’s cold and we snuggle under this homemade quilt with our cat and quietly sip hot chocolate as the snowflakes gently fall against the reddening leaves outside. but we’re safe and warm and loved.”

it’s that sort of shit.

like i said, it’s not bad. it’s just that it’s EVERYWHERE. hell, i follow that lesbian domesticity blog myself tbh (altho i does grate on my nerves that it’s constantly about tender culture and never about sex. and really it is nothing like my relationship with my wife but hey. it’s about her and her wife, not universal experiences. her blog her rules). tender culture as a whole seems to idealise relationships (cos i’m sure it exists in bi and het circles too) as these sweet, cutesy, soft things that are always perfect and everyone is just gentle and calm and utterly loving all the time.

and there’s never any fucking. there’s never any indication that women are sexual beings and sex is an integral part of relationships. (don’t anybody fight me on this. it’s true and you know it.) there’s never any indication that people argue, or tease, or fight, or get turned on. hell, most of the time there’s never even any indication that people PLAY and joke even. it’s ALL like “uwu i barely touch your hand and feel the stars align and we are soft and perfect and fall asleep in your arms.” BARF.

i think, tbh, that’s the issue i have with it being SO prevalent in lesbian online culture. we’ve been told FOREVER that lesbian sex either doesn’t exist, isn’t real sex, is gross, doesn’t really count OR alternately is this fetishistic OTT porn thing for men to jerk off to. we’ve been taught to be ashamed and keep our SEXUALITY to ourselves. the tender culture thing makes being lesbian palatable to the masses because it’s so non-threatening.

and to separate it from lesbian culture specifically, we AS WOMEN have been taught since birth to shut up about sex. we’ve been shamed into silence about female masturbation and female arousal and female orgasm and female desire. like so many of us grow up without learning about our own bodies. a woman knowing her own body is a threat. a woman seeking her own pleasure is a threat. basically a woman talking about sex is a threat.

and even besides sex, we’ve been socialised to be calm, gentle, nice, accommodating, nurturing, kind, and so so soft. we’re not allowed to be hungry, funny, angry, emotional, mean, have boundaries, be wild and dirty and feral. we’re not allowed to scream and fight unless we’re one of “those” type of women as if all women don’t want to just fucking scream sometimes.

sometimes women just need to get themselves off too. i just find it very… dangerous to ONLY see that non-threatening tender side of things because it upholds patriarchal behavioural gender norms to such a crazy degree.

so all this “tender culture” crap that basically denies this side of female existence by its silence bothers me. which is why i like to reblog posts critical about tender culture sometimes, alongside tender culture posts which i do like also. we need reminders that there is NOTHING wrong with masturbation, sexual arousal, sexual pleasure, fucking (not just ~making love~), and being a woman while doing it. there’s nothing weird or wrong about being angry and upset and playful and horny and wild. i would just really like to see more content like that.

there is an argument that women/lesbians have been so overly sexualised by men that it’s a direct response to that pure sexual objectification. like, hey, women have feelings and care, and especially lesbians are romantic and loving too. not just sex objects shoving dildos in each other while wearing high heels. i can see some validity in that reaction. but to me, there is just too much and it starts to seem like that ALL lesbians want is hand holding and a pretty garden and cats in some idyllic cottage somewhere. it seems to have flipped too far the other way into a cliched “perfect woman” under patriarchy non-threat stereotype.

i also recognise that the moment a woman starts talking about sex, especially lesbians, it easily gets co-opted and appropriated by perverts and fetishists and pornsick men (and women). it’s hard to just talk about our experiences without it being viewed a specific way by outsiders. it’s either hyper-sexualised or hypo-sexualised by someone else. there is always gonna be some sick fuck with his dick in his hand ready to go or some conservative prick screaming bloody murder about morals as soon as we try to discuss our own experiences. but i don’t think that means we should shut up about everything sexual or dirty or “nasty” about our reality as women out of fear of these scrotal cumsacks.

it’s all about balance, really.

and being willing to get up and yell: GET OUT. THIS ISN’T FOR YOU. when you see them infiltrate something for us. you see a man make a lewd comment, call him out. make him uncomfortable. take back what we have from them.

like i said, there’s nothing inherently wrong with tender culture. i just think it needs to be balanced with actual reality. there’s nothing wrong with romantic daydreams and just wanting someone to love you gently, and to cherish you and your relationship. and especially when the world is so insane, it’s fine to want something calm and gentle. but real relationships are not JUST that one thing. and i think tender culture gives a false sense of reality as to what normal adult relationships are like. i’ve been told here on my blog that even talking about sex with my wife is TMI (it’s not), talking about masturbation is TMI (it’s not), and even worse that me arguing with my wife and getting pissed off at her is something to be so terrified of (it’s not) that i should “get somewhere safe”. no. i should work it out and communicate. not run away every time things aren’t fluffy and calm and tender. that’s so unhealthy. and that’s what i feel being inundated with tender culture does. it gives a warped idea about what a healthy relationship is.

like no. tender culture denies this not so nice reality of human relationships, especially when you live together. like yes, of course we have the beautiful, romantic, tender side too. but people argue. people can fucking hate each other sometimes when they’re stressed out or frustrated and it comes out in arguments. and there is a scale. there’s a point when it becomes unhealthy and toxic but i think it’s equally unhealthy to never argue and force yourself to push any feelings you have down in order to maintain some idealized genteel version of a relationship that you’ve been bombarded with online as what you SHOULD have.

and this goes for joking around and playfulness too. sometimes when i joke with my wife and call her a bitch or she says “rude” things to me, people are like “OH MY GOD!” but… i mean, that’s just us? it’s joking. (we sometimes do it purposely in front of people to laugh at their reactions cos we are both assholes.) we play with each other a lot. she’s an incessant tease. she calls me an idiot. i literally tell her i’m gonna punch her in the face when she’s teasing me. do i mean it? of course not. we roughhouse and wrestle and playfight even (not sexually jsyk. just simply playing which is SO LOST in this society. we don’t do any bdsm bullshit). it’s a type of physical expression that doesn’t hurt anybody and requires a certain level of connection and trust too. the fact i can tackle her onto the sofa and she squeals and grapples me back is HEALTHY. adults can play too. it’s like that post i made a while back when i talked about how my wife shoved her fingers in me when i was bending over unaware and laughed about it ...and was told it was TMI. like um ...we are physically intimate and playful and it’s not a BAD THING. and i’ll share it cos honestly? if you don’t have that level of intimacy and trust and fun, i personally think there may be something wrong. (if it crosses personal boundaries for you, that’s something else. but she knows it doesn’t bother me.) on my blog i will talk about my relationship with my wife in ALL its glory, bad, good, fun, horny, loving cos it is a fully-rounded relationship and adults don’t experience just one thing.

i fucking love sex with women and i was denied it for so long i’m not about to shut up about it now. i love fucking and the female body in all its wet, messy, soft, beautiful glory. i love being in love finally and properly and i won’t shut up about that either. i won’t be shamed to be quiet about my body or my sex life or my relationship that ISN’T perfect. (like i’m literally going to kill her if says to me one more time that 80s music is the best music lmao like she’s gonna kill me if i leave one more dirty bowl beside the sofa for the stupid idiot dogs to get at).

to some people, i guess reality doesn’t matter. they only want the daydreams and fantasies, or they only live in a soft cloud world. that’s up to them. maybe that’s what they need in their lives. and that is fine. for a while but it isn’t real life and it’s not what you should strive for. it SHOULD be part of what you strive for however. you should have someone who cherishes you and cares and loves and respects.

i just don’t think tender culture should be as overwhelming as it is. it sets standards that i don’t think are realistic. let’s talk about sex or arguing or any range of human relationship issues too. don’t get rid of tender culture, at all. keep it. cherish it. let it give you hope and positivity and ease loneliness and isolation. healthy, loving, respectful fantasies are important af. but don’t act like a puritanical dunce when a woman talks about sex or hunger or anger as well.

i mean i’m not asking for sexually explicit content and i’d never go into intense detail about my own life (that’s what fanfic is for lmao) but a little recognition that women aren’t just domestic soft cliches. that’s all.

i don’t see any of that in tender culture. it’s all soft uwu feathery kisses and soothing fingers brushing along a forearm. blah… sometimes you need to get fucked. sometimes you need to laugh. sometimes even you need to argue.

wow ok

sorry anon

you asked me what tender culture was and i went off on a rant about why i hate it lol. i’m sorry. you asked such a simple question and i word vommed all over it.

#Anonymous #long post #i am telling you i have had way too much caffeine already today

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inanawesomewave · 4 years

Text

AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

It’s been a very long time since I posted and for that I can only apologise, I’m extremely, abnormally, infinitely pregnant (okay, I’m 39 weeks) and I’ve spent this past few months hibernating, and recovering from a bipolar depression that, thankyou alexithymia, I didn’t notice I was having until it went away and I no longer had any thoughts of ending my life. But, I’m back now, happily alive and happy to be alive, and as I’m in these final days of pregnancy, I’m thinking about oxytocin. When you’re ridiculously pregnant you think of all the ways you can induce labour (hint: none of them work). I’ve tried it all, castor oil, clary sage, red raspberry leaf tea, evening primrose, sex, long walks, whatever. And I started thinking today about how the only thing that is proven to work, is oxytocin, and how when it is released, it can make your body think you are breastfeeding and you begin to have contractions now that the baby knows it’s okay to come out and get fed. That’s because oxytocin is a hormone that promotes love, bonding, sociability, friendship. They call it the hormone of love, lust and labour. And I realised, as I was looking up all the ways I could release oxytocin myself at home, that I don’t have a good relationship to it. At all.

I first realised maybe there was something a little off with my oxytocin during my last pregnancy, and in the first few months of breastfeeding my son. I would pump milk or my son would latch on, and within seconds I felt horrendously depressed and anxious, as if the release of oxytocin triggered a panic response in me. They playfully call this “Sad Nipple Syndrome”, many people confuse it for a repressed memory of sexual abuse, but really, it’s related to a phenomenon known as Depressive Milk Ejection Reflex and is believed to be because of a rapid, brief reduction of dopamine immediately before milk let-down, but I wonder if for me it has more to do with oxytocin.

Now I’m not trying to martyr myself when I say this, because largely, I find breastfeeding very rewarding, not to mention practical, and money-saving, and it’s my favourite time of the evening -- when my son is cuddling me, watching his bedtime shows, and nursing. And I’m not battling through some horrendous feeling in order to do that, and really, I’d mostly got used to it. But just recently, near the end of the pregnancy I’m having now, I’m experiencing that familiar sense of dread, anxiety, depression and need to escape when he latches on, and I felt it the other night when I was expressing, and I felt it recently after (hehe) an orgasm. I mean, when it comes to dopamine, I’m fucked. I’m bipolar and I take, to be exact about the dosage, a metric ton of quetiapine (Seroquel) every day just to keep on an even keel, which is an antipsychotic which means its sole purpose is to tell my dopamine to shut the fuck up for five seconds. I’m used to having my dopamine function in swells and droughts. But oxytocin, fucking hell. I have antisocial personality disorder. It makes sense that something about the bonding hormone makes me feel uneasy, or even unwell, like I need to escape the situation. I’ve always said, something about myself and my disorder that I kind of despise, is how I have this bizarre drive to fight my way out of any and all groups I find myself in. Groups of friends, colleagues, schoolmates, peers of any kind, I will try with all my might to be part of the group, then when I realise how cynical I am about that, I will try to at least appear to be part of the group for Machiavellian reasons, and then when I begin hating myself because the pretence is too exhausting, I will find myself subconsciously picking the group apart. My lack of empathy becomes hostile, and if anything, the most toxic trait I exhibit in these situations is to break the group up entirely. If I can’t have it, nobody can. It was worse when I was younger: at school, I’d lie about things one friend said about the other and watch arguments happen, delighting in the collapse of that friendship circle. I’d tell one the other stole from them, I’d tell the other that everyone is saying she spread a harmful rumour. I’ve even gone so far as to frame a person for theft just to watch the fallout. I did that when I was about 8, I did it again when I was 10. I did it a third time in my teens. It was kind of my MO. I’m not proud of that spiteful need to isolate people from loving interaction just because I was so afraid of it. Okay, I’m a little proud of pulling it off. The ease with which you could snap apart even close bonds confirmed everything I loved and hated about how I saw the world: sociability is a lie and empathy is a cool trick to use against people. Even as an adult, whilst not maliciously and actively trying to hurt people any more, I have found reasons to leave groups under a black cloud. I was a poet once, and I hated all my contemporaries except for a few. I used the people I hated the most, got where I wanted to be, and fucked off forever because the game got boring. I did the same when I was a musician. When I was a student. When I was doing both my undergraduate degrees. My God, my need to be antisocial is so strong, it’s ruining my careers.

Now, we all know that research on ASPD is quite scant. They don’t really want to know much about us except for the fact we prefer bitter tasting things, or that people want to fuck us, or that we dig easily accessible rap music. What is out there about us is mostly inconclusive, or the conclusions drawn are highly subjective -- I featured one on this blog a long time ago for example that said we are more likely to use expressive, emotive and loaded language when talking about our life experiences, and the researchers used their personal judgements to conclude that this was further evidence of our heartlessness, which was fucking hilarious. Heaven forfend we might be seen as humans for five seconds. Anyway, today when searching around to see if there’s any chemical link to ASPD and oxytocin, I found this. If you don’t have access to it, that’s fine, it was a study from last year that looked into this very relationship, to see if oxytocin treatment could improve outcomes for antisocial people both with and without diagnosis. The research itself was more an inquiry into an aggregate of 36 previously done studies (because to actually do new research would cost money that needs to be spent on finding out if we ever yawn or if our eyes look weird or if we give a shit if someone jumps up behind us dead scary like and says “boo” or some shit). Results again were inconclusive, but something interested was noted: oxytocin was largely associated with a reduction in criminal/amoral/antisocial behaviour, but in some, had an opposite effect - that is to say, antisocials sometimes respond to oxytocin with hostility toward their loved ones.

So why is that? Well, there aren’t any answers right now and “further high quality, large sample-size studies are required” (so, let’s not all hold our breath at once), but do I have a theory? You bet I do!

We know that personality disorders, especially cluster-b, come from neglect and trauma. We can theorise that antisocials have a lack of empathy because we weren’t taught it, or maybe we had emotionally manipulative parents that would prey upon our empathy and later use it to harm us so we learned to be cynical of it, maybe we had to learn how to fake empathy toward our abusive parents so they’d stop beating the shit out of us for five seconds, maybe we learned the language of violence and aggression because it was the language we were taught at home, and maybe we fought our way out of social groups because we were taught not to have friends, or our parents only really loved us when we reflected their own hateful, selfish and volatile traits back to them, so we learned not only that love was pointless, but actively rejecting it was favourable. There are lots of reasons why a person might develop antisocial personality disorder. So surely it makes sense, that if we learn these antisocial behaviours, we also learn to be antisocial to a chemical process in our bodies that is imploring us to be the exact opposite? Doesn’t it make sense that if we feel love, bonding, connection, our instinct is to panic and fight it? To feel sad, to want to cry? And if we don’t know how to cry or connect to that part of ourselves because we never learned emotional intelligence, doesn’t it make sense we’d then convert that feeling into something else, something immediate and easy? Like anger? Like rage? Antisocial people experience everything in primaries: blue, red, yellow. Generic bad, rage, and generic good. When we need to access a secondary or tertiary emotion (something orange like homesickness? Or something even magenta like... fucking... humiliation?), we have to channel it back into one of those primary colours, something we can understand. So, generic good, generic bad, and red red rage are all we have. Oxytocin? Bonding? Who knows where that belongs. Could be any of the three. And let’s be honest, this isn’t restricted purely to antisocial personality disorder. Narcissists respond to love and bonding with a push-back, so do borderlines and histrionics. It all comes out different, but it all comes from the same place: don’t you fucking dare love me. The only person in my life I feel that immediate, unwavering bond with, is my son. Maybe that’s why I’ve been able to breastfeed him despite the sadness and panic of it all, because the initial reaction to the oxytocin is the hurdle and not the reward, and after that I can get to it properly, to look at him and feel intense love, empathy and joy. Maybe it’s evolutionary, the truth of it is when it comes to my children, I don’t care what the mechanism is that makes me love them the way I do or how it ties into my disorder. But how I feel about friends, lovers, and other family members is up for scrutiny, my own scrutiny at that.

So as I sit here wondering why it’s hard for me to experience oxytocin, I wonder how the rest of you feel. Do you have a good relationship to it? What does it do for your empathy? When you perform a good deed, do you feel warm and fuzzy, or is it a logical step for you? How do you access love? Is it a decision, or a gut instinct? And for christ’s sake, when you have sex, are you doing it to grab hold of the oxytocin, or fight it off?

#antisocial personality disorder #antisocial #actually aspd #actually npd #actually bpd #antisocial feels #antisocial tag #cluster b #cluster b feels #trauma #abuse #neglect #sociopath #sociopathy #psychopath #psychopathy #oxytocin #love

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dxmedstudent · 5 years

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Do you have any advice on how to pick a subspecialty? I'm in my intern year and have rotations in most of the departments, so I'm wondering if there's anything I should pay attention to. I had family medicine, and I actually loved it. It looked great for doctor-patient interaction,less stressful than most departments,and leaves enough time for hobies even though it's in the low end of the paygrade.But my friends think I'm taking the easy way out.Would it be wrong to choose it for those reasons?

Oooooh Boy, is this a question and a half. The right specialty is different for everyone, and our reasons for picking a specialty can differ wildly. There is no right or wrong thing to consider; our life choices are different, and what is ‘playing it safe’ for one person might be an ideal life choice for someone else. These are some of the things one can consider:

Acuity versus chronicity. Some people like to see acute conditions, others prefer dealing with chronic illness.

Stable versus unwell patients. Some people love the adrenaline rush, others hate it.

spending a short time with patients versus getting to see them again or getting to know them for longer and building a proper relationship.

Do you like long consultations or shorter ones?

Do you need to feel like you are ‘fixing things’ in order to feel fulfilled? Basically, do you need to make people better, or make them feel better?

The kind of patints you see can make a difference to some people.

Do you even want to have patients? Some people don’t want to deal with patients, in which case radiology and pathology are wonderful things.

Having the opportunity for surgery, or not.

Having the opportunity for procedures (drains, endoscopy, etc) or not.

Ward based specialty, clinic specialty or both.

Big team, small team or working on your own?

How good is your tolerance of uncertainty? What kind of uncertainties can you accept dealing with?

Are you a generalist or a specialist?

Are you a ‘big picture’ person or a ‘grassroots person’? Working in public health and general practice are two sides of that coin, and many specialties fall in between.

Do you like to ask lots of colleagues for advice?

OK, I suppose we should technically consider which organ systems you like, but this is actually a much more minor part of choosing than I ever thought as a student. When I was a student I thought this was like 90% of the choice. Turns out that it’s closer to 10%. There are just so many ways in which specialties differ, beyond the organs they look after. Let’s be honest, most of the organs are great.

Are there any things that squick you out or you feel morally torn about doing? If so, pick a specialty that doesn’t involve them.

A 9-5 specialty or one with a very irregular timetable. Some people just don’t do well on nights. Some people really value having their weekends free for personal or childcare reasons. There are no right or wrong reasons to want a good work life balance.

Can your specialty give you time or flexibility to pursue other interests?

Where is your specialty going in the next 20 years? is there room for growth, or is it getting smaller?

In the UK, thinking about things like whether you’d have to be on the med reg rota or acute medical take rota as a consultant are a very real consideration. Some people don’t like doing general medicine whereas others do.

Financial considerations can matter to some. In the UK standard rate is the same across most specialties but oncalls or private work can change that.

Prestige matters to some people - some specialties have more scope for awards, research, acknowledgement. Others are more quietly reflective.

How long of a training are you prepared to put up with?

How far are you happy to move to find the job you like? Some jobs only come up in very few locations. Would you still be happy to do a specialty if it meant moving far away from home?

How many exams are you prepared to do? Are you prepared to do a PhD to be a competitive candidate?

There may even be more - it’s a while since I last defined these for myself, this is personally how I talk through picking a specialty with my friends (and myself), so I hope it works for you guys, too. I like to describe it as multiple axes - all of these dimensions come together, with different jobs falling in different places along each axis. Overall, once you know how each specialty is, you can work out which ones give you the most of what you like, and less of what you hate. You’re evaluating jobs on a lot of different criteria, and trying to find a speciality that works based on who you are, and what is fulflling to you. That’s why it’s really important to take the time to reflect on what fulfills you. Because you could be doing a high profile surgical job where you save lives and do cool things, but if you’d rather be a GP or radiologist you could still be miserable. The key is to find something that rewards you. And for that you need to go through the axes and work out what is important. Find out which things stress you out too much - avoid these! And which things recharge your batteries and make you feel like a good doc. For some people that might be cutting out a tumor, for others it might be forming a rapport with a 90 year old dementia patient on a home visit. Your friends are also at a very early stage in their own careers. I can tell you that the priorities of everyone I know (including myself) have changed a lot with time. Even people who were initially genuinely prepared to work all the hours under the sun can change their mind. Life happens. I’ve seen so, so many people change their mind about what they want to do, so I believe you have to keep an open mind. Personally, I’m all about the work-life-balance and finding a specialty that gives you time for hobbies and family- that’s always been my plan (getting there and finding it in reality is what’s giving me grief!). I’ve enjoyed putting in the nights and the weekends, and I wouldn’t rule out a specialty that requires those, but I definitely ruled out specialties that have a very heavy burden of irregular hours, because I am not disciplined enough to maintain a social life on those kinds of hours, and that made me pretty isolated and miserable - which would defeat picking a specialty like that, even if I loved it. Same with anything that required me to move to the other end of the country - if I left all my people behind, how could I be happy, even if I loved a specialty? I know not everyone feels that way, but I’d much rather be close to people I cared about, and get to see them regularly. I want to remind you that there are no right or wrong reasons to want a good work/life balance. Most people want time for their passions and hobbies and loved ones- this is not abnormal or unreasonable. It’s only sometimes seen as stupid in medicine because we’re an overworked institutioonalised bunch who frankly fethishise long irregular hours and medicine taking over our lives as if that’s a normal or reasonable thing. So you do you, friend.

#askdx #ask dx #specialties #how to pick a specialty #medblr #personal #my life #Anonymous

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kaibagirl007 · 4 years

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Come Undone 6/6

( the final part of a mini side-fic series to accompany my RP with @dragontamer05 )

“Time travel… save Kisara… prevent this bullshit… ” Kaiba mumbled repeatedly as he made his way down from his bedroom and to the basement laboratory. The sudden epiphany had struck him at the most inconvenient of times, but once his mind had focused on the idea, it was all he could think about. “Time travel… save Kisara… prevent this bullshit…”

Once in the laboratory, he headed straight towards the computer with its multiple monitor screens and readied the graphics tablet. First, he had to design the time machine. Should he opt for a stationary pod or some kind of vehicle? The latter would be more practical in helping to generate the energy and velocity needed to break through the space-time continuum, but would he be able to construct a runway big enough to achieve that? It was quite possible he might need a whole continent worth of unobstructed straight open-space to gather such quantity required, so what about travelling vertically instead? No, he’d then have gravity to contend with. Unless he could somehow utilise the natural force to his advantage…

The pen suddenly sped across the tablet as Kaiba sketched his idea for a towering elevator shaft all the way into space. He then began to mumble incoherently whilst jotting down an array of formulas alongside it. “Trajectory… maximise momentum… pierce spacetime… dilation… goal.” A manic grin formed on his face as he began working on more detailed calculations that would enable him to put his theory into practice.

’Not what I would have advised…’ Seto commented as he stood with folded arms whilst watching his descendant work. ‘…but at least he is taking this seriously now.’

‘Seriously?’ Atem scoffed and eyed his cousin sceptically as he stood beside him. ‘He’s high, wearing nothing more than a shirt and underpants, and devising a plan that will most likely end in disaster for himself and/or others if it is ever implemented!’

’So you do not think he will succeed?’

’That’s not what I said.’ A frustrated glare was given before elaboration was made. ’If Kaiba were to dedicate all his time to this and doesn’t inadvertently kill himself in the process, there’s every chance he WILL succeed with such a ludicrous idea. My concern is, just WHEN does he plan to save Kisara? If he intends to prevent her kidnapping, then all is well; the fractures won’t form in their relationship and they’d remain together. But, if on the other hand he still feels himself unworthy of her, then he could quite possibly take things to the extreme and prevent her untimely death back in our time.’

‘And that would be disastrous, because…?’

‘Because history from then on would change! Don’t you see, Seto? If Kisara never sacrificed herself, you would go on to wed her instead of your actual wife. Therefore your children would not be born, and their children, and so forth. Your reign as pharaoh would also differ; that is if you even rule at all since there’s also the possibility you might have died without Kisara’s intervention.‘

‘Yet the world would know no different,’ A tired drawl interjected. ’If my death occurred back then, at least Kisara’s soul would remain free… Alterations are not always a bad thing.’

‘You’re prepared to erase the last 3000 years, just like that, and justify it in the name of love?!’

‘Yes.’

‘Humph!’

‘Do not scorn me for something you have NOT experienced!’ Seto snapped at the judgmental gaze that remained unfazed by his outburst. ‘I am perfectly aware that my decision is selfish. But if it were you in my shoes to make the choice between reliving a mortal life or stuck in eternal solitude, I dare say you too would make the same decision.’

Eternal solitude. Those two words said it all and caused Atem to take a moment to see things from the other’s perspective. Both of them had spent 3000 years, their souls trapped, isolated, and barred from the afterlife. Whilst his own denial was now over, his cousins were still ongoing. Not only that but whereas he was peacefully oblivious to the passing of time with no memories to recall, Seto had retained all of his. As if residing in limbo wasn’t bad enough, what torture must it have been to spend such a long period of time alone and haunted by the past with no end in sight? No wonder he’s so reluctant to return to such a place of despair.

‘I understand you’ve lost faith in the gods, feel as though they have forsaken you, and are desperately clinging to any scrap of hope you can find to ensure the prophecy is fulfilled and therefore able to move on to the afterlife,’ Atem spoke calmly to the man by his side. ‘But you are only torturing yourself more by watching Kaiba’s every move.’

‘I would rather be here by his side than all by myself with my thoughts.’ Seto replied whilst watching his descendant fill the computer screen with more equations and diagrams.

‘You won’t be all by yourself. The gods gave me free rein between worlds. I’ll stay with you until this whole thing finally resolves, no matter how long it may take.’

Curiously tilting his head to the side as he turned to face the other, Seto asked, ’Despite your own imprisonment inside the puzzle, you would choose to give up your freedom and instead reside in a barren void just to keep me company?’

‘Of course,’ Atem smiled up at the perplexed gaze. ‘It’s the least I could do as my show of thanks for the things you did to ensure I too could proceed to the afterlife.’

‘And yet you waste that very opportunity.’ A sigh was given and eyes diverted back to his descendant now calculating centrifugal forces. ‘I appreciate what you are trying to do, Atem, but if he does not fulfil the prophecy, you could end up trapped with me for the rest of eternity.’

’That’s a risk I’m willing to take.’

The two pharaohs looked at each other and Seto simpered a little. ‘I have a feeling that you will not take no for an answer; you are just as stubborn as him.’

‘Oh please, NOBODY is as stubborn as Kaiba…’ Atem smirked before extending his hand for the other to take. ‘… except maybe you.’

Ignoring the jest, Seto asked, ’You would really trust our fate in his hands?’

’Not would... I do.’

Seto may have lost his faith in the gods, but his faith in Atem remained firm. If the other believed so strongly in his descendant then he would too. Another simper as the offered hand was taken ahold of and together the two of them slowly de-materialised out of the underground laboratory.

—

Mokuba sat in the back of the surveillance van that was parked just beyond the boundaries of the Kaiba mansion. Pegasus sat to his left whilst Yugi sat to his right, all three faces illuminated by the huge monitor screen before of them as it broadcast live footage from the body-mounted cameras Roland and his teams were wearing.

“Are you sure you want to go through with this?” Yugi asked the younger male. He knew that what had been decided must have been an extremely difficult decision to make and was there to provide support for his friend during the raid.

With a heavy heart and a close-to-vacant expression, Mokuba gave a slow nod. His brother had had plenty of opportunities to deal with everything that had kicked off more than eight months ago now, yet had only continued to get worse. “I never wanted for it to come to this, and wish there was some other way, but there isn’t…”

Seeing the boy in such a solemn state, Pegasus came to his aid with an explanation for Yugi’s benefit. “Kaiba-boy’s refusal to seek help for himself means that it’s now up to us to make sure he gets it.”

“Does it have to be right here, right now, like this?-”

“Yes!” Mokuba cut across his friend’s words. He didn’t want this to be harder than it was going to be. “My brother needs help. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”

“Of course,” Yugi calmly responded to the extremely curt interjection, “What I mean is, he’s not going to take being institutionalised lightly. Maybe a quieter occasion would be less stressful for everyone involved?”

“Ideally yes, but Kaiba-boy’s behaviour has become so reckless as of late, that to wait any longer could be fatal…”

Mokuba momentarily zoned out from the debate going on either side of him. His brother’s death from self-destruction was not something he was just going to sit by and let happen. They’d been through so much with his brother having made many difficult choices for them since they’d been orphaned. It was time to repay the favour.

“… If Kaiba grows to hate him because of this, I will not forgive you Pegasus!”

“STOP, JUST STOP!” the teen roared in frustration and soon found himself under the gaze of three shocked and startled eyes. “Yugi, I understand your concern as my friend, but I made this choice, no-one has coerced me into it. And Pegasus, do not speak for me on my behalf, I have my own voice, and will divulge what and when I feel is appropriate. I’m not a little kid anymore! Will you both stop treating me like one!”

Silence filled the surveillance van and was only broken by a crackling sound as Roland’s microphone was switched on. “All the teams are in place and ready to proceed on your order.”

“Thank you, Roland.” Mokuba’s heart was now thumping the most forcefully he had ever felt. This is it. I’m doing this for your own good, Seto. Eyes clamped onto the camera feed belonging to his head honcho and he gave the command. “Move out.”

The six teams,- each consisting of three trained security personnel,- began to storm their way into the Kaiba mansion. Earlier drone surveillance had made them aware of a rather sizeable function currently underway, so whilst the two lead teams’ aim was locating the ex-CEO, the rest would secure the premises and deal with the guests.

“Look at the state of the place,” Pegasus commented as the body-cams streamed footage of trashed halls and rooms within the mansion. What had once been proud and immaculate living spaces were now almost unrecognisable with broken and strewn furnishings as far as the eye could see. “Someone call Marie Kondo, quick!”

“She’s an organiser, not a house cleaner.” Yugi pointed out the flaw in the other’s joke.

Speaking of a house cleaner, I wonder what happened to Jun? Mokuba wondered. Had his brother fired their maid or had she quit on her own accord? He knew there was no way she would have allowed such a state of disrepair if she had still been around.

As the teams ventured further into the mansion, they began to encounter intoxicated guests wandering around or passed out in the halls. A couple was even so heavily engrossed with making out that they failed to notice the raid happening at all.

“Fuguta, have your team check the office,” Roland instructed before taking his own team towards the hall where the bedrooms were located. “Notify me at once if you find Mr Kaiba.”

“Will do.”

The two lead teams headed towards their destinations with weapons drawn in case of any hostility they may be faced with once there.

“They’ve got guns?!” Yugi was horrified at having caught a glimpse of the firearms in the streamed footage.

“Those are tasers,” Mokuba assured. “Like you said earlier, Seto isn’t going to take lightly to being institutionalised. It’s only fair they’re able to defend themselves from whatever assault he might throw their way.”

Roland’s team soon reached the closed door of the bedroom belonging to their ex-boss. Taking the lead, Roland singled for his two teammates to remain quiet whilst they listened for any signs of someone within the room. Confirmation came in the form of multiple voices moaning and groaning.

After the count of three, the door was opened and all three tasers held at arm's length pointing directly towards the mass of naked bodies interlocked in a heap on the caesar-sized four-poster bed.

“Oh my!” Pegasus was quick to lean to his left and place a hand over Mokuba’s eyes.

The teen let out an exasperated sigh. “I hang around with Joey, so it’s not like I haven’t seen stuff like this before.”

A lone and furious brown eye swiftly found a new target. “You and your friends allow him to watch porn?!”

“What? NO! Of course, we don’t! Well, that is to say, I don’t ‘allow’ Mokuba to ‘do’ anything,-“ Yugi could feel the perspiration forming on his brow as he talked. “- he’s his own person. If he chooses to view such material,-”

“He’s fifteen!”

“Fourteen.” Mokuba corrected as he casually pulled Pegasus’ hand from his face and returned to his observation of the raids.

“Many boys his age are curious about sex; there’s no shame in that.” Yugi stood his ground. Is this what it felt like to be an elder sibling and criticised for every choice made regarding the younger sibling? Suddenly he didn’t envy Kaiba and Joey quite so much.

“Joey should not be showing him such inappropriate material!“

“What Mokuba has seen is tame compared to what’s out there!” Yugi refused to be intimidated by the suggestion that he’d somehow failed the younger male; his peer; his friend. His tone became confrontational and snide as he continued, “Unless you’d rather I ‘allow him’ to discover the extreme stuff on his own? Quit being such a prude,-”

“Shh, quiet down you two! I can’t hear what’s being said on the stream.”

Pegasus relented upon seeing the protectiveness he had stirred. “Touché, Yugi-boy,” he sighed. “Times have changed, and the internet advanced so rapidly since I was his age… He’s lucky to have someone like you watching over him in place of his brother.”

Mokuba turned up the volume so could hear more clearly what was going on inside the mansion.

“Mr Kaiba’s not in there,” one of Roland’s teammates declared as he emerged from the bedroom’s en-suite bathroom.

Roland lowered his taser, turned to pick up the luxurious blue robe from a nearby chair and tossed it towards a woman whose effort to hide her nudity with tiny hands made him pity her. His view fixed onto the group of five,- four women and a man,- on the bed. “I’ll ask you all one more time, WHERE is Seto Kaiba?”

“Don’t know, don’t care,” the man scoffed as he continued to grope at the woman he’d been penetrating just moments before. She moaned loudly from his touch before seeking out his lips with hers.

“He was here…” one of the other women answered. She leant back on her elbows and parted her legs wide. “…but as you can see, he came and went.”

As the inebriated group burst into cackles of laughter, an infuriated Roland instructed his team; “Have them all dress and take them down to the duel hall!”

“Yes, sir.”

Leaving the room at a fast pace, Roland activated his com-link to Fuguta. “Any sign of Mr Kaiba?”

“None.”

“Did you check the panic room?”

“Empty.”

“Dammit!” Roland growled through clenched teeth as he continued down the hall. He’d been so sure they’d find their target in one of the two most obvious rooms he could be in. “Okay, well, just sweep the mansion until we find him. He’s here someplace.”

“Roger.”

The com-link closed and Roland held his taser ready once more as he was about to open another door. To his surprise, it was locked. He re-activated the com-link, this time to his boss. “Mokuba, your bedroom door appears to be locked. I have a feeling your brother may be in there. Permission to break the door down?”

“Permission granted.” Mokuba cooly responded despite being slightly confused. His bedroom had no lock, so why wasn’t the door opening? Has Seto barricaded himself in there?

Taking a step back, Roland raised his foot and gave several forceful kicks to the locked door before it crashed open. He proceeded inside.

“Roland stop!” Mokuba instructed at what he saw from the man’s body-cam upon entering.

Roland complied without question.

“Do a 360, turn around, let me see the whole room.”

Again he complied. “Is there a reason why you have me spinning like a top?”

“Seto’s not there.” Mokuba verbalised his thoughts. His eyes were wide with awe at seeing his room untouched since the day he’d moved out. “He put a lock on the door to keep people out and stop them from trashing it like the rest of the mansion. He’s preserving my room; my space; my memory,-“

“That’s all very well, but it doesn’t help with the situation of where he is now.” Roland huffed.

Pegasus sensed the other’s growing irritation and took it upon himself to press for clues that might help. “You know your brother best, Moku-boy. Do you have any ideas where he might be found?”

“Well, if Seto is hiding then he would have used the panic room,” Mokuba stated. “But since we already know it’s empty, he could be just about anywhere. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.“

“Does he have a favourite room, one where he might go to relax?”

“If Seto knew how to relax, he wouldn’t be in this mess.” Mokuba shot back at Pegasus before taking a moment to ponder over what had been asked. “Maybe the garden, in the observatory?…Nah… Perhaps the games room, or music room, or,- Wait, I DO know! The basement! Either in his lab or the garage.”

“You have an underground garage?” Yugi asked in a slightly awestruck manner.

“Uhh, yeah. Where else is Seto supposed to keep his car collection?”

“I’m heading down to the basement right now.” Roland declared after having heard everything via his com-link. He was already speedily leaving his teenage boss’ bedroom and made a beeline for the elevator at the end of the hall.

“Oh, Roland, just a word of warning; if you’re going down there, we may lose contact.” Mokuba was quick to inform. “There’s been instances in the past when I haven’t been able to get through to Seto’s phone when he’s down there.”

“It’ll be a minor inconvenience if it the communications do drop out, but the camera will keep recording so you’ll be able to witness everything that takes place,” Roland assured as he entered the elevator and it began to make its descent. “This will be over soon, Mokuba. I’m sorry it’s taking so long...”

“Don’t apologise. I’m the one who kept dragging my heels in this, remember?” Mokuba laughed weakly.

During the last eight months, both Roland and Pegasus had been advising him through each choice he had made that had eventually led them to today. At times he’d been doubtful,- sometimes reluctant,- to do as advised, but they never went against the decisions he made and were transparent with him at all times.

“I think we’ve lost contact with him,” Pegasus stated when no reply came from Roland whose body cam now showed he was exiting the elevator at basement level.

They all watched as Roland made his way past the laundry room and was soon looking through the glass wall where the fleet of a dozen luxury cars were displayed. Most were various shades of blue/grey/silver/white, with only a yellow Lamborghini and a red Ferrari standing out amongst them.

“Nice cars,” Yugi commented. “No sign of your brother though.”

“Then he must be in the lab… Or maybe I was wrong and he’s still up in the mansion..?”

“I guess we’re about to find out,” Pegasus announced as Roland keyed in a passcode,- 23995346,- on the laboratory door’s security panel and was granted entry.

Practically sitting on the edge of his seat, Mokuba watched as Roland slowly inched further into the room. The gun-like taser was drawn so close to the man’s body that its tip blocked part of the camera’s visual field each time he moved.

“There he is!” Mokuba gasped as the back of his brother’s head and chair came into view. “I wonder what he’s working on?”

Pegasus squinted as he tried to make out the messy diagram and scribbles displayed on the monitors. “I could be wrong, but I ‘think’ that says ’Space Elevator’..? What could possibly be going through his mind to come up with something like that?”

“He wanted to be an astronaut when he younger, so maybe he’s planing on,-…” Mokuba’s voice caught in his throat as his brother suddenly stood and turned to face Roland. He could feel his heart ache from seeing the sorry-looking sight that his eyes viewed; his brother wearing nothing more than a pair of underpants and an open shirt that exposed a heavily scarred and under-nourished torso, along with a face so gaunt that it almost looked lifeless. What happened to you, Seto? Why did you do this to yourself?

As the taser was pointed his way, the tablet pen in Kaiba’s hand was angrily thrown to a side and his face contorted in rage as he shouted at the intruder…

“Why can’t I hear what’s being said?” Mokuba asked as he frantically pushed at the controls to increase the volume to the maximum level.

“I would guess it has something to do with Isono’s microphone being connected to his communications link,” Pegasus suggested. “This must have been what was meant when last he spoke; we’d lose audio, but at still have visuals.”

“Kaiba looks furious,” Yugi noted out loud. “Do you think he’s been told what’s planned for him?”

“Quite possibly,” Pegasus admitted. “Though I presumed the subject would have been raised a little bit more subtly than being announced outright,-“

“HOLY SHIT!” Mokuba exclaimed at seeing the taser fired.

The barbs had shot out of the barrel at high speed, missed his brother by mere millimetres as he twisted to the side, and pierced one of the monitor screens instead. Concern was felt for both Roland and his brother as electric sparks to fly in all directions, but that same concern soon became conflicted as the two men engaged in hand-to-hand combat.

“I CAN’T watch this!” the teen cried and scrambled over Yugi so he could exit the surveillance van.

Once outside in the open air, Mokuba tried to catch his breath. He felt shaken from what he had seen; two people he held dear,- who held each other dear,- fighting like enemies, partially because of decisions he had made. This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t have allowed for things to get so bad! Why did I even think it would be a good idea to fight fire with fire in the first place?

His thoughts turned back to when he’d first chosen to make a stand against his brother. It had been in the direct aftermath of the break-up with Kisara, were each word to leave the other’s mouth was nothing more than an angry repellent to keep others away. He’d held strong at first but, crumbled when the words turned purposely cruel and offensive,- as opposed to the defensive nature which they had started,- and in turn, delivered back his own cutting words.

At the time it had felt like the only way to get through to his brother, though now he realised it had had little effect at all. Neither had taking control of Kaiba Corp to allow his brother the time and freedom to work things out on his own. In fact that had only made matters so much worse. I made a mess of everything… But I’m GOING to put this right! First, I need to stop all this.

His eyes narrowed on the mansion beyond the gated boundary wall. Aware that he wouldn’t be able to use the com-link to contact Roland whilst still down in the basement, Mokuba knew his only other option was to inform him directly. He passed through the large iron gates and began to sprint up the long driveway, unaware of Yugi stepping out of the surveillance van now behind him.

“Mokuba, wait!”

Feet repeatedly pounded the ground as the determined teen raced towards the mansion. His brother wasn’t entirely lost. He could still reason with, and save him, without the need for institutionalising. He’d developed a thicker skin to cruel remarks since then last time they’d spoken and would not give up so easily again. His brother’s words had just been that; words. He wasn’t hated like he’d feared. The fact his bedroom remained protected and in pristine condition, instead of having been reclaimed or trashed, was proof enough. Seto would have wasted no time in destroying any trace of me ever being there if he truly didn’t want to reconnect.

Almost there, Mokuba’s pace slowed and he came to a stop where the driveway spread out across the entire length of the mansion’s front. Parked before him were several cars in which Roland and his team had arrived, a riot van to hold any of his brother’s ‘guests’ if they got out of hand, and an unmarked psychiatric ambulance waiting to take his brother away. He felt a sense of dread beginning to form in the pit of his stomach. What if I’m too late to fix this? Seto will disown me for real this time when he finds out what was planned! Will he ever forgive me? I wouldn’t if I was him…

“Mokuba!”

He turned at hearing his name called and saw Yugi running towards him. This was just what he needed; a friend to help lift the confusion and provide solace. “I CAN’T do it! I can’t do this to him! He’s my brother, I can’t b-betray him like this. I don’t w-want him to h-hate me.”

“It’s not betrayal,” Yugi panted as he came to a stop beside his friend failing to hold back tears. “Your brother needs help, much more than you or I,- or Pegasus or Roland,- could ever give him…”

What?! Mokuba was now even more confused as he struggled to make sense of his friend’s altered stance on the matter. He questioned my initial decision earlier, so why isn’t he giving support or approval for my change of plan?

“… I understand it’s hard to carry through with such a difficult and heart-wrenching decision, but I believe you made the right choice by ensuring he is given all the professional help that he needs. Your brother will get through this,-“

“Y-y-you don’t know that. Y-you can’t promise that!” Mokuba stammered as he shook his head and sent tears flying in all directions. Why wasn’t his friend standing by him? Inside he felt a storm of emotions raging like a cyclone and let it free without warning, “WHO are YOU to tell ME what to do?!!”

Yugi had already steeled himself for such a reaction,- his young friend was still a Kaiba after all,- and remained calm as the troubled teen leered down at him. “I feel your frustration, Mokuba. I really do,-”

“HOW could you?!”

Again he remained calm under the scrutiny of those narrowed grey eyes. “Much like the ceremonial duel I had with Atem, you have to do what is best for your brother, no matter how arduous on your conscience it may feel. Believe in yourself, in your judgement, and help him proceed back into the light where he rightfully belongs.”

He’s been stood by me the whole time! The comparison hit home with Mokuba and he felt the storm inside him subside. He hadn’t thought of the situation quite like that. and now had a better understanding of his friend’s outlook on it all. “Yugi, I… I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Fear and anger are strong emotions,” Yugi simpered with compassion and gave what he felt was a much-needed hug. “You’re not alone Mokuba. And neither is your brother. When he realises that, I’m certain he’ll make a full recovery.”

“You really think so?” Mokuba asked as he leant down a little further into the hug.

“I do. It’ll take time though, it’s not going to happen overnight.”

“But you’ll be there for me, if… I mean, ‘when’ I need you?”

“Always.”

Slowly, the surveillance van entered through the gates, drove along the driveway and stopped right beside the two friends breaking apart from their embrace. The side door slid open and Pegasus stepped out. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I just… lost my nerve for a moment,” Mokuba kept his explanation brief. “I’m fine now though.”

Judging from the response he was given, Pegasus knew Yugi had done a good job of consoling the teen. “You’ll be glad to know that it’s almost over. Isono succeeded with his task of apprehending your brother, and is escorting him up from the laboratory as we speak.”

Mokuba simply nodded to confirm that he’d heard what had been said.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Pegasus asked, the silence now making him somewhat slightly unconvinced of what he’d been told just a moment ago. “It’s not too late to halt things if that’s what you truly want.”

“It’s not about what I want, it’s about what Seto needs,” Mokuba stated flatly. His eyes glazed as he watched the crew of the psychiatric ambulance prepare for their patient. Whilst the nurse measured sedatives in a syringe, the assistant readied the restraints of the trolley bed.

Yugi turned to Pegasus, “How long will Kaiba be institutionalised for?” he quietly inquired.

“I don’t know,” Pegasus admitted honestly. “It would all depend upon a string of assessments to determine his mental state, and what type of/how much care is required. Then there’s the factor of whether or not he’ll co-operate throughout the whole thing. I imagine it would be at least several months before his release is even considered.”

“And what about his absence during that time?” Yugi continued. “People are going to start speculating when he hasn’t been seen for a while.”

“Don’t fret, Yugi-boy. A cover story will-“

“LET GO OF ME, YOU PERFIDIOUS BASTARD!!” The sound of the outraged scream was heard well and clear before the mansion’s front door had even been opened. It drew the trio’s attention and they watched Kaiba literally being dragged kicking and screaming from inside his own home.

“Seto.” Mokuba whimpered as his brother struggled in a rear arm lock hold.

“KUSO YARO!!” Kaiba tried to throw his captor over himself as he slammed backwards into him, but just couldn’t build up enough leverage needed to succeed. “Grrr, I make you pay for this, Isono!”

Roland knew better than to retaliate in response to the other’s angry words and simply continued to haul him towards the unmarked ambulance. Despite his captive’s weaker visual appearance, there was still plenty of physical strength making it a strenuous task to overpower him. With any luck, the other would wear himself out soon with all the resistance going on.

“I WILL NOT be placed in some mental asylum!” Kaiba made another forceful attempt to break free from his hold which resulted in him almost dislocating his shoulder in the process. It was no good though, Roland’s incarcerating clasp was just too strong.

“You won’t be confined to an asylum, you’ll be staying with me, on my island,” Pegasus informed as if it would somehow make the situation better.

Kaiba looked in the direction of where the familiar voice had come from and sneered, “Heh, I knew the CUCKOO and the YANK would be behind all of this!” his voice was coarse from screaming but wasn’t any less malicious as he glared at the trio of traitors staring back at him. “I expected better from you though, Muto. Then again, you had no qualms sending OUR friend to his demise. FUCK YOU and your FAKE friendship!-”

“Hurry up and sedate him already!” Roland yelled at the nurse as he struggled to keep ahold of the infuriated man trying to break free and start a fight.

“Hold him still.” The nurse instructed as he tried to get close enough to carry out the task.

More struggling occurred as Kaiba spotted the syringe in the other’s hand. His eyes narrowed and he bared his teeth, “You’re NOT jabbing that in me!”

“Actually, ‘yes’ he is!” Roland let a frustrated retort slip. He was exhausted and not sure of just how much longer he could keep ahold. “I’m sorry, Seto,” he apologised earnestly before summoning what strength he had left and forced his friend face-first against the side of the ambulance.

“FUCKING CUNT!” Kaiba roared angrily with a freshly split lip. Roland’s bodyweight held him in place whilst the nurse sank the needle into his arm. “I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE OF YOU!!!“

Mokuba fidgeted uncomfortably where he stood, shifting from one foot to the other. The whole thing was extremely distressing and he wanted it to stop, Now. No, I gotta stay strong. This is the endgame, it’ll be over with soon enough.

With the sedatives now administered, the nurse was quick to draw back from his patient. “They should start to take effect in a few seconds.”

“Good,” Roland panted and let go of the arms that were already bruising from the firm hold he’d had on them. He backed away to allow the other plenty of room to thrash and flail.

Instead, Kaiba staggered a few steps from the high-sided vehicle, sank down to his knees on the gravel and dirt, and eventually ended up on all fours. He stared at the ground, eyes wide, face dripping with sweat whilst breathing heavily as he watched a tiny puddle of blood form on the driveway. WHY did this happen? WHY didn’t they just stay away? WHY did they feel the need to form a pack and hunt me down like this? Why?…

‘Hey, there mister…’

Kaiba slowly raised his head to see an apparition of his younger self crouching down in front of him. The small boy studied him curiously as he leant on the soccer ball clutched close in his lap.

‘Are you okay?’

“No… I’m not okay,” he answered weakly, aware that he could no longer keep on lying to himself. How had it come to this? Why had he let things get so out of hand and been so reluctant to fix them? He was ashamed of himself and all he had become. “Get out of here, Go!”

Obediently following the instruction, his younger self stood up straight, failing to keep ahold of the ball and it slipped free from his hands. It was now that Kaiba could see it wasn’t a soccer ball at all, but the spherical puzzle of his heart. How he knew that it was his heart, he had no idea. Perhaps because many of the pieces were dented, cracked and chipped, just like him?

As though watching in slow-motion,- and helpless to intervene,- the puzzle shattered as it hit the driveway. “Nooooooo!” Kaiba scrambled to collect as many pieces as possible before they sank beneath the ground.

“What’s going on?” Yugi asked Pegasus nervously as they saw Kaiba talking to thin air before desperately clawing at the dirt with his hands.

“He seems to be hallucinating. Most likely a side effect of the sedatives mixing with whatever substances already in his system.”

Mokuba couldn’t bear to see his brother in such a state any longer, “Seto!” he cried as he stepped closer, and froze as the other’s wide-eyed gaze turned to fix upon him.

“Stay back.” Roland placed an outstretched arm in his young boss’ path for precautionary measures. If required, he wouldn’t hesitate to fully place himself between them. He needn’t have worried though as Kaiba remained where he knelt instead of carrying out the threat from just a few moments ago.

“M-m-my heart… it’s… b-b-b-b-bro-k-k-ken…!”

“We know, Seto.” Mokuba’s frown quivered as he fought back the urge to cry at seeing his brother dissolve into tears before him. “We’ve been trying to help you this whole time, but you wouldn’t let us-”

“I’ve GOT to fix it!” The scratching at the driveway became more frenzied though no progress was made with shifting the dirt.

“You won’t find anything down there, Mr Kaiba.” the nurse assured as he and his assistant each lifted their patient by placing their arms under his. “Come with us, we’ll help you to get well again.”

“No! No, no, no!” The objection was made with arms flailing wildly, but Kaiba’s strength was now not that much stronger than that of a newborn baby. “I need all the pieces!… Let go of me! LET GO OF ME!!”

All four onlookers found it excruciatingly uncomfortable to watch as Kaiba was hauled into the psychiatric ambulance against his will. Tears, distraught screams and feeble attempts of physical protest continued but failed to stop him from being placed on the trolley were he was then securely restrained to prevent him from thrashing around and causing any further injury.

“RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT!!”

Ignoring their patient’s demand, the nurse and his assistant exited the back of the vehicle and closed the doors.

“RELEASE ME!! RELEASE ME! Release me!... Release… me…” Kaiba’s screams eventually became nothing more than a weak mumble as the sedatives took a great effect of subduing him. He lay there. alone and paralysed with nothing more than the faint sound of Gozaburo’s laughter inside his semi-conscious head.

A driving motion was felt as the ambulance left his home. In all honesty, he would have preferred death over being institutionalised. He felt he could not atone for the things he’d said and done, and therefore had nothing left to live for anyway. At least in death, he would finally be at peace, free from inner torment and suffering.

The chortling grew louder.

‘You made your bed, now rot in it.’

#fanfiction #rp stuff #dragontamer05 #Come Undone #tw: sex #tw: drugs #tw: mental health #loooong post ^^;;

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