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#he's still depressed but now he's not lonely and honestly i hated how lonely i made him before i think this version is going to make for

norrisleclercf1 · 8 months

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Midnight

Pairing: Reader x Charles Leclerc

Words: 1.3K

Warnings: Angst, just utter angst, talk of loss of parent, having depression under tones, it's just sad honestly, also each time they speak to each other it's a different night

A/N: I wrote this as a self-indulgence and honestly a work I've kept for myself I wrote late one night decided to post it today.

The night holds secrets, secrets of the unspoken words left for the world to swallow. It's where you find those lost in the world wandering on the streets or those with nothing left to give. The night eats everything, waiting to be washed away from the sun.

Someone once said that the night is when you can make mistakes because it cleans it all away when the sun rises. You don't remember who told you that; maybe it was after your father died. He passed in the night, right before the clock struck midnight.

You still can feel the ocean breeze on your skin as you wander the empty streets, so lost in the world that not even the moon can guide you. Meeting him was a mistake, something you wish the sun could wash away. But not even it was powerful enough to wash away those mistakes. To you, he was the moon and the sun, something that allowed you to be human but still sweep it all away.

The stone wall pressed into your back, etching those marks into your skin. He was a passing shadow, also lost to the world. The stars still don't understand why he reached his hand out to you, one of the night's lonely followers. His voice was like the ocean, calm yet could rage a storm.

"Are you okay?" Something in you twisted, hearing those words. How could you be okay? You lost a piece of you that you never knew could be taken. The world was cruel, snatching away something you still needed. Looking up, his eyes mirrored the stars to you; they could have been stars.

The urge to shove his hand away was strong, but something told you that you needed to take hold of his hand. "No, I'm not okay." You whisper, ice meeting warmth when you slide your hand into his. His fingers wrap around yours as he pulls you up from the ground. "Come on, let's get you somewhere warm." He whispers, pulling you close, and heads to the only lit shop.

Each night was filled with you seeing him, the stranger who you never shared names with. It was the one thing you asked: no telling each other your names. He agreed, far too eager when you suggested it. You asked him why he liked the idea, and he smiled, saying his name carried some weight.

That he'll enjoy being able to talk to someone who didn't know him. You didn't care who he was. All you wanted was to tell someone your midnight secrets. Each night for almost a year, you two met up at that same shop he brought you to when you first met. "You've been skipping our nights." You whispered, a steaming coffee mug in your hands.

You didn't even need to look up to see his face. You could hear his brain clicking. "My job requires me to travel, starting in March all the way to November. I'll be gone for a while, but keep showing up. I'll be here one night." He smiled, taking in your frown. "Okay," It's all you said to that. Maybe he was lying. How could you know? An average person would ask his name and already have an FBI profile on them, but you weren't normal. You haven't been since your father passed.

The cold nights turned into warm hugs. Which brought more people out, the secrets of the night now filled with the happiness that the sun brings. You hated it; people filled the streets, and the buildings now glimmered with the stars. People could no longer hide their secrets at night, for they'd be shown just as bright as day. As each night grew warmer, the more your shadow was no longer there, sitting in the corner, fingers moving with the soft piano notes that filled the shop.

"You're here." You were in such a daze when you walked in, the piece taken from you bigger than expected. "Yes," You breathe, hating how that piece in you shrunk seeing his smile. Sitting down, the secrets pass like a breeze, each of you sharing what no one dared to speak, much less think. "He died today." It was something you would never dare say. You were baring a shard of your soul, a piece chipped and sharpened by the cruel world.

"Who did?" His voice still that same ripple of the ocean. "My father," Your hand tightens on the mug. Who is this person? The one speaking of forgotten memories, the one speaking of the pain you never shared. "Mine died as well. I was young." He sips his drink, looking at the books that line the walls. Neither of you spoke a word for the rest of the night.

"It was," You clear your throat, the pitter-patter of rain marking the dark sky. "He died from an accident." Green eyes, the color of fresh grass after it rains, stare into yours. "Mine was cancer. It doesn't matter how they're taken. It's still too soon." Nodding to his words, you clamp your mouth shut, trying to stop the spill of all your secrets. "He's all I had left. Now I'm alone, like the stars." You place the money down and slip into the rain.

"Oh love, still here?" You've been acquainted with the elderly shopkeeper. Arthur, or Archie as he liked to be called, ran your little slice of sun. A little run-down coffee book shop that only locals know. Yet, they rarely visit. "He said I should still come, even when he doesn't show." You repeat the words back, fiddling with your mug. "Darling, it's been 3 weeks since he's been here. Go home." Archie whispers, patting your back as he hobbles into the back.

"He said to always come, even when he doesn't." The night holding onto those words filled with the longing you had. Was it possible to love a shadow? A shadow you have yet to see, a shadow you're not sure exists. The bell ding echoes into the street as you leave the shop. Walking through the road, you can hear the warmth that clings to people's laughter. How you wish you could laugh again, to feel that in your chest again.

Looking away from the brightness, you don't notice when someone collides with you. "Oh shit, Charles, you good man?" A voice rings with concern as you look up, meeting those eyes you crave. "I," He sits up, reaching out for you again. This time, you don't accept his hand. "Charles? Yo, we've got to go before the fans find us." A man turns the corner as you and your shadow, Charles, stare at one another. "I have to go." Scrambling up, you rush into the dark, where Charles stands, half in the light.

"You're here." He breathes. You hate yourself. You hate that you couldn't stay away. The secrets that were supposed to remain covered by the dark of the night are now slowly leaking into the light. Oh, how much you wish you could join it again. "To say goodbye." His bright smile fades like the sun setting. "No, don't. Just because you know my name doesn't mean you know me. Please, don't." He pleads, sliding into his chair.

"I have to, Char," You stop yourself, covering your mouth. "There is a reason we never shared names. Names have power, a power we will never understand. If you knew my name, you have the power of my secrets. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry." Gathering up your stuff, you get stopped, his hand holding yours. "Who cares? We only give names and secretes the power to hurt us; don't let this be our last time." He whispers, fingers rubbing into your wrist.

"Charles, you're the sun, and I the moon. Destined to only know each other for such a short time that half the world goes dark, just to be near each other. You are to remain in the light and me the dark," Taking a deep breath, you smile. "For the night craved the light so much it drowned it created the stars so it wouldn't be lonely anymore."

The bell rings for the last time in the night. The stars were there to keep it company and to be graced with what little light it was offered.

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hadesisqueer · 1 year

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Honestly I thought we'd left the “Tai was neglectful” discourse back years ago.

Because yeah, he was. I get him: he was left by his first wife and her second one disappeared and never came back, and that he suddenly saw himself a single father of two, still having to work to support them while he was still grieving, and the only person who could help him probably had to keep his distance most of the time because he was afraid his bad luck would affect them. And I understand that he was incredibly depressed, and that he loves his daughters more than anyone in this world and that eventually he came back from it (we see him spending time with his daughters and reading stories to them in canon content), and Yang did say in volume 5 that her father was always busy with school, so I also assume that the guy worked a lot and that he always made sure Yang and Ruby had their basic necessities covered. But he did neglect Ruby and Yang emotionally for a while, and that did affect Yang. That's it. He's not a bad person, he just wasn't the best father for a while.

It's sort of like Willow. She was a caring mother for her children when their kids were little; Weiss really implied it. And seeing she is able to summon Grimm, I assume she could fight and that she even could have been the one who taught Winter how to do so (and Winter's original outfit seemed to be based off hers in portrait, so I assume they were close). But then Weiss' tenth birthday happened, and everything came crashing down. She became very depressed, and started drinking to numb that pain, becoming an alcoholic. I do feel bad for Willow; I know that she really does love all her children, and that in volume 8 she took a turn, stopped drinking and started repairing her relationship with at least two of her children. I know she's trying to be better now, but that doesn't change the fact that she was neglectful towards her kids as well. She didn't only allow Jacques to still abuse her those years, she also allowed her kids to be abused because she was usually to drunk or depressed to do anything. We saw that the closest thing to a proper mother figure Weiss had growing up was Winter herself, who was only fifteen when her mother shut down and had to take on that role. We've all also seen how Winter turned out, emotionally repressed trying to distance herself as much as she can from her entire family as possible, not just Jacques. And we saw Whitley; how lonely he felt because his sisters got to leave and he's stuck with their abusive father and their alcoholic mother, that he was so young when his mother shut down that he probably doesn't even remember when she was a loving mom, and how he at first could barely even stand being in the same room with Willow or her talking to him because he resented her.

They both made mistakes and that has shaped their kids being the way they are, not only because their mom left or died or because their father is abusive. That doesn't mean I hate them, of course. I love both Willow and Tai, I don't think they're bad people, I want to see their families heal and I wanna see them spend time with their kids, and most of all, I know that they'd give their lives if that meant seeing their kids safe because despite everything, I don't doubt that Tai loves Yang and Ruby and that Willow loves Whitley, Weiss and Winter as well, more than anything in the world. That's all.

#rwby #schnee family #xiao long rose family #yang xiao long #weiss schnee #ruby rose #winter schnee #whitley schnee #schneeblings #taiyang xiao long #willow schnee

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megantheestallion-ismypresident · 9 months

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Kickin Back

Maddy perez x Black!fem reader

Summary: After Maddy and Nate broke up, Y/n and Maddy get high in Y/n's room together and things get a little spicy.

As Maddy was checking herself out in the mirror, Y/n was in her bed smoking a blunt. "He's such a dick Y/n, like the way he is just baffles me." Maddy says to Y/n as she looks in the mirror, feeling insecure about herself.

Y/n and Maddy have been best friends in their pagent years. They were always there for each other until they made it to high school. Y/n hated high school she never really fit in she was under the radar, but that didn't mean she couldn't support her best friend. Maddy was practically popular, I mean, how couldn't she? Maddy was pretty, Y/n admire Maddy and her beauty, she was a cheerleader and gotten new friends. Y/n thought Maddy would be like one of those girls who are popular and ditch her friends for new ones, but she didn't.

Maddy never put Y/n. Last, she was still gonna be there for Y/n whether or not she was popular or not. When Maddy started dating nate, she couldn't stand it.

Maddy didn't want you to feel lonely, so she let you come tag along with her and nate. Y/n wanted to put his hands on Nate so badly, but she couldn't because he's dating her best friend. Y/n and Nate would glance glares at each other, she couldn't stand him and his bitch ass family. But when Maddy and Nate had their first breakup, Y/n wanted to kill him with her own bare hands. She was there when Maddy was depressed and couldn't get out of bed to go to school, Y/n would go to Maddy's house every single day to try and cheer her up.

And it did work eventually, Maddy, but when Nate wanted Maddy back, she instantly got back together with him, Y/n couldn't understand what Maddy saw in Nate. Nate was like Satan in Y/n's eyes.

"Yeah, he was a total dick." Y/n said as she rolled her eyes as she was high off the blunt, not wanting to talk or hear Nate Jacobs.

"He just finds a way to ruin my self confidence, he was so controlling, he never wanted to be my own true self." Maddy says, looking at herself sadly.

"Who cares about what that nigga thinks, he's a white boy with daddy issues, I honestly don't know what you saw in him?" Y/n says in disbelief.

"I just want to get him out of my head and stop thinking about him." Maddy says as she turns around facing Y/n.

Y/n offers Maddy some of her blunt she could calm down. Maddy looks at the blunt and takes it as she inhales and huffs it out.

"I feel more relaxed now." Maddy said as she inhales the blunt slowly as she huffy the smoke in the air as she's face to face to Y/n.

"I told you it would relax you." Y/n said, looking at Maddy seductively as they both look at each others lip.

Y/n kisses Maddy as Maddy kisses her back as they both end up on the bed.

"I've been wanting do that for a long time." Y/n said as she looks at Maddy.

Maddy starts kissing Y/n as Maddy takes off Y/n's shirt, leaving her bra on.

"You're so pretty." Maddy said as she kissed Y/n's neck as she uncle's Y/n bra leaving her bare.

As Maddy and Y/n kisses passionately, Y/n was on top of Maddy bringing her hand caressing her tits but brings her hand lower to her pussy

"Can I touch you?" Y/n says, looking at Maddy for approval. "Yeah." Maddy nods her head 'yes' for Y/n to touch her.

Y/n takes off Maddy's pants and seeing her cum in her pants already.

" You so wet for me, and we just started." Y/n teases maddy.

Y/n insert to fingers inside Maddy making her arch her back as she moans, Y/n didn't know to much about fingering, so she just did whatever felt good.

"Am I doing good?" Y/n questions Maddy.

"Really fucking good." Maddy says as she moans.

"Oh my god, Y/n going to cum." Maddy said as she moans louder.

Maddy cums on Y/n's finger as she pants. Y/n sees the cum on her fingers as she sucks on Maddy's cum looking at her seductively.

"Now it's my turn to please you." Maddy says as she gets on top of Y/n as she takes off her pants and underwear.

Maddy widens Y/n's legs getting in between her legs, Y/n grabs a blunt and lights it as she smokes and huffs it out.

Maddy kisses Y/n's clit, making her moan as she huffs out the blunt. Maddy eats Y/n out a bit more faster than what Y/n expected.

Y/n grabs Maddy hair making her go lower as Y/n moans louder almost about to cum, Y/n had never been pleasures in her life and what makes her happy is that she's being pleasures by her best friend who's been her crush for a very long ass time.

Y/n cums as she pants and felt relieve and relaxed, Maddy gets out between of Y/n's legs, as she comes over and lay down next to Y/n on the bed as they both pant.

"You're right this was relaxing." Maddy says looking at Y/n, Y/n passes Maddy the blunt as Maddy smokes the blunt huffing out the smoke.

"Maddy I want to tell you something." Y/n said as she looks at Maddy.

"That you like me? I have known Y/n for a very long time. And I did, too, but I was too afraid that you didn't see me that way. So, that's why I dated nate." Maddy said, looking at Y/n with so much love in her eyes.

"Yeah, this was really fun, but I really want to be something more that, and if it's too fast for you, we can just be no strings attached." Maddy said.

Y/n kisses Maddy as she cups her face as she lets go of maddy's face, looking at her with a smile.

"Maddy, I would love to be your girlfriend." Y/n says, smiling at Maddy.

Maddy and Y/n lay back in bed, holding hands with each other with so much love in their eyes.

"I have to go home. My mom wants me home before dark." Maddy says as she puts on her clothes.

"Bye." Maddy says, kissing Y/n leaving her room.

Y/n smiles at herself, thinking about Maddy. She was just happy that her wish came true.

#Maddy perez #Maddy perez x reader #Maddy perez x black!fem reader #Euphoria #Spotify #Black!reader #Maddy perez x fem!reader #Maddy perez x black!reader

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pyramid-of-starrs · 8 months

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Take Care of Me Chapter 1: Empty

Chapter mood board:

Chapter warnings: Cursing, Symptoms of ED, mentions of depression/depressive behavior, insecurity, body shaming? , Fem names and parts, toxic relationships, lies, arguing, aged up Seonghwa (29), Aged up Wooyoung (25), smoking, drug use, drinking, sexual activity while under the influence (Everyone involved is coherent and consenting)

Smut warnings: Tongue kissing, drool? ,Fingering (Fem receiving), body worshipping, boob play, public sexual activity.

Word Count: 8.3K

if I'm missing anything please let me know

This is not a representation of Any members of Ateez and this story is fictional.

Minors DNI

Chapter Playlist:

(4) Take Care of Me Chapter 1 - YouTube

Wake up. Eat. Work. Shower. Was this how life was supposed to be lived? Was life meant to be so dry and mundane? You go to work every day and leave in your car then come home, drink some wine, pet the dog, have dinner, and go to sleep and do the same thing the next day. The weekends you sleep and ignore the messages from your friends asking you to go out. Going to bars and clubs at 28 sucks, either you get younger guys trying to prove that they could fuck you good or guys your age trying to prove that they still can fuck good. Who the hell would even want that. Enough thinking, time to get to work, you slide on your skirt over your stockings and put on your blazer and head out to the front door. Right on time a knock at the front door can be heard you open it to see your usual caretaker, Jonathan, a very nice older gentlemen that you pay monthly to take care of your house, plants, pool, and dog while you’re at work. Yeah, you opted to buying a nice big house to fill the lonely void and unfortunately it was too much for you to handle on your own, hence you hiring Jonathan.

“Good morning, Mrs. Y/N, off to work ?”

“Yes Jonathan, as usual call me if you need anything okay?”

You handed him the house keys, Jonathan felt like it would be best for you to give him the keys every morning instead of him keeping a spare because he didn’t live in the best neighborhood and didn’t want to risk someone taking it and you getting harmed. You assured him that you had a very good alarm system, but he still didn’t want to be a bother, he was the sweetest man in the world. He took the keys from your hands and smiled at you warmly.

“Okay Ms. Y/N, have a great day at work, let me know if you’ll be running late so I can push back your food delivery time.”

“Will do, thank you.”

You walked out as he walked in and headed to your car in the driveway, once inside the car you turned on the radio and headed off to work. From there the bleak and boring feeling still stayed but you couldn’t complain because the money was good, you worked for the top marketing firm and held a higher up position. Your assistant knocked then entered your office having you review some forms that you barely read, and you worked on your laptop throughout the day. Maybe you should talk to a therapist about the empty and unfulfilled feeling you had, no they are just going to babble and you’re going to tune them out too. Maybe you needed a boyfriend, but then again, the only men you knew worked at your firm and are boring too. Change of scenery? Nope, you hated moving, it always felt like too much of a hassle. Maybe this was just what you were meant to be, a normal, boring NPC watching life pass them by. It wasn’t your surroundings or the people in your life it was just you, you were just boring. Who knows and honestly who cares right now, all you wanted to do was get out this office and get home, today was Friday so you were just happy to enjoy your weekend of sleeping.

Once the workday ended you gathered your things and laptop and left your office, locking the door anticipating the coming weekend.

As you walked to the elevator you heard a voice call out your name, when you turned to see you saw your friend Rina.

“Y/N!!! I missed you!”

She ran over and hugged you, nearly knocking you down.

“Rina…welcome back from your work trip, how was it?”

She finally released you from her grasp, Rina was your co-worker now, but you met her in college, she worked part time at a diner you and your ex-boyfriend use to go to frequently. Casual conversations after her being your waitress for many times made caused you too to develop a long-term friendship, she has been through a lot with you and same for you for her. Rina got her bachelor’s in human resources and associate in communication while you got your bachelors in marketing and associates in photography, you both graduated the same year and Rina made you promise to get a job at the same place so you two would never be apart because she felt like you two were “platonic” soulmates. Now 4 years later here you were, Rina was an HR Rep while you were a Marketing manager both of you worked cushiony jobs, but Rina was happy, she was still wide eyed, you sometimes wondered how Rina kept that same spunk, that same passion, whatever it was that was part of the reason why you couldn’t help but love her.

“It was so amazing Y/N! I wish you could have come, the HR stuff was boring, lots of keynote speakers and those dry cookies you know I hate but the views and my hotel was beautiful! The perks of being in HR is booking your own stays and no one batting an eye at where you pick.” You and Rina continued your walk down the hall to the elevators. Once you two got on the conversation continued.

“That’s good to hear, I’m glad you got to enjoy the trip.”

“It would have been perfect if you came, you could have brought your camera and I know you would have gotten some amazing shots Eggy!”

Ah yes, Eggy, eggy was the name that Rina made for you because in college when you went to the diner, she worked at with your ex you would only order a side of scrambled eggs with water. She thought it was so peculiar that she started to call you eggy. What Rina never knew was the real and unfortunate reason behind your order. That was because of the insecure asshole that sat with you every other day at that booth. Your ex was a lot of things and had horrible ways about him, he made you feel terrible about yourself every day of the 4 years you were in college, but you clung to him because you desperately needed familiarity and someone to love you. Maybe that stemmed from some random unresolved trauma you had but all you knew was that you loved him. He often reminded you when you were eating too much and needed to keep yourself in shape or someone would “Swoop in and steal him away”. He made you cut your hair, wear baggy clothes so no one saw your bigger than average chest and plump thighs, you could rarely go to parties without him making a fuss and when you and Rina got close, he wanted you to cut her off because you two spent too much time together, but Rina would rather die than leave you alone. He was in his sophomore year when you started your freshman year, you two met at a party and hit it off from there. The relationship was pretty good your first year when you were a tiny and awkward freshman just excited to be in school for photography but then you entered your sophomore year when he was in his junior year and you gained you freshmen 15 in all the right places, your adult body had developed, big breast, thick thighs, and a fuller face. Men were showing you more attention and he hated that, he stopped taking you out, stopped wanting you to dress up and even told you to give up on making photography your career path. The more you thought about him the more it just bothered you, you developed a lot of bad traumas from him so shook yourself out of your head and realized Rina was still talking.

“Huh? Oh, yeah sure that’s fine” you said the first default answer that came to mind.

You two walked off the elevator as it stopped at the parking garage, she jumped out in front of you her eyes big and a huge smile on her face.

“Wait really? Oh my god finally! It’s been forever since we went out!”

“Went out?”

“Y/N you were zoned out, weren’t you? Ugh, well I said I was going out with some friends on Saturday and asked if you’d come with. You already said yes so, no takesies backsies!” she ran off to her car and yelled that she would pick you up tomorrow.

You sighed deeply, this was going to suck but there was nothing to be done now, trying to back out on Rina was fighting a losing battle. You got in your car and drove home, you pulled into your driveway and walked up into your home.

“Jonathan, I’m home.”

Jonathan walked into the home from the backyard through the backdoor, your black shiatzu in his arms with his little pink tongue sticking out as he panted.

“Hello Ms. Y/N, welcome home, your food delivery is on the kitchen counter, the plants are tended too, and Mister (your dog) is all taken care of.”

“Thank you, Jonathan, I already deposited your paycheck.”

“Thank you, Ms. Y/N, however I do need to talk to you about something.”

“What is it?” you walked over to the counter to take your food out and Jonathan put Mister down and closed the sliding patio door.

“Well, you see, I won’t be able to return for quite some time. My wife has fallen very ill, and I need to be there to take care of her...”

“Oh, well if that’s the case then I guess it’s nothing else that can be done then, that’s fine take all the time you need me, and Mister can manage.”

“Well, that’s the great thing Miss, I have a replacement already, my nephew recently moved to town and is looking for work and he could really use some honest work to get him on his feet.”

“Does he work as good as you?”

“I’ll show him all the ins and outs, I can even do it tomorrow!”

“That’s fine, I won’t be home most the day because my friend is making me get an outfit for tomorrow and she’s picking me up in the afternoon, so I’ll leave the key under the plant at the door.”

You walked him out and locked the door behind him, walking back over to grab your food and sit on your couch to watch TV. A sigh left your lips as you thought about the dreadful day of tomorrow, you finished your food, showered, and headed to bed as you laid there in your night dress you tried to shut off your mind to get some sleep but then the thumping started. The thumping was exactly what you thought it was, since you broke up with your ex 4 years ago you’ve only had sex twice with a guy you dated but couldn’t take seriously, it was going on 2 years since the last time you had been intimate and the throbbing in your core started a few months ago. You’ve never felt this horny before but there is always a first time for everything, you tried using your fingers and toys, but nothing really felt the same or gave you the same sensation, you try your best to ignore it every night but always end up staying up until the point of exhaustion with the aching feeling of your unsatisfied nub. You were woken up at 10am by your phone ringing, only 2 people ever called you, your mom and Rina. This time it was Rina, thank God. You reached over to your nightstand and grabbed your phone off the charger.

“I don’t want to go Rina.” You said in a groggy and cranky voice still tired from your area keeping you up.

“I don’t wanna hear it Y/N, you already said yes so, I’m taking you shopping then we can get ready at my place! My boyfriend is going to bring some of his friends too!”

Rinas boyfriend, right he exist, you usually don’t have an issue with friends’ partners, but Rinas boyfriend was your ex’s brother. Again, you can’t blame Rina because you never told her about everything with your ex, all she knew was that you two broke up and she always felt like that was the worst thing ever because she wanted you two to get married someday. You’re not sure if Rinas boyfriend knew about the shitty things his brother did but you did know that he wasn’t a huge fan of you after you broke up with his brother. Rina always told you that Hongjoong, her boyfriend, loved you but you knew that that was just something people say when someone doesn’t like another person.

“I don’t want to hang out with those guys Rina so if anything, that makes me not want to go even more.”

“Oh, don’t be like that, they are fun so you’re coming! We’re going to this new club downtown it’s really fun so hurry up and get dressed.”

“…fine, let yourself in when you get here.”

“Yay! Love you, bye.”

“Love you bye…”

The phone hung up and you groaned loudly, this day was going to be a drag, but you loved your best friend enough to commit to it, it’s been months since you last went out on the weekends so maybe the club scene has magically changed, doubt it. You got up from your bed to go shower and get ready for the day, while you were getting dressed Mister ran to the door barking and you could hear the door opening downstairs.

“Honey I’m hooooome.” Rina was dragging you out to a night you knew you wouldn’t enjoy but at least she’s adorable while doing, so you walked down the stairs to greet her.

“Well, hello my love.” Trying to play along, you could see Rina kneeled to pet Mister still at the front door, she had on a cute black skater dress with chunky sole black boots, despite her bright personality Rina enjoyed wearing all black, she thinks it compliments her shape, which she isn’t wrong, she was a petite built woman, she had a flat stomach but she had a small chest and not much thighs or butt contrary to you. Rina stood up and realized what you were wear. A black body-con crop top that showed your belly button and butterfly tattoo on your forearm and grey sweats.

“Girl what the hell, why are you dressed to sit at home I told you I was picking you up!”

“I am dressed to go to the mall this is my outfit…”

She signed and shook her head.

“Eggy what have I told you about not dressing depressed when you are depressed?”

“And I told you I’m not depressed.”

Rina knew she was fighting a losing battle and just decided to change topics.

“Well, your hair looks cute, so we don’t have to get that done and of course you have that gorgeous face, all we need is a cute outfit to compliment that godly shape.”

You fiddled with your bangs when she complimented your hair, you decided to change up how you got your hair done out of boredom last week and got dark burgundy extensions with a thin bang that stopped a little below your eyebrows. You were hesitant about the change from your usual 3 styles of either black middle part, black braids or just your natural curly black Afro but Rina suggested you change something up in your life so you wouldn’t be so gloomy feeling.

“Thanks, but let’s go before I change my mind.” You put on your Jordan’s and you two headed back out the door. You left the key under the plant on the walkway for Jonathan and his “trainee” and got in Rinas car to head to the mall. Once you arrived you felt a small pit in your stomach, shopping at the mall was everything but fun for you, clothing never fit you well and you felt like every skinny little teen girl was talking about you. You two walked in and shopped at a few different stores, stopping at a boutique in the mall you started to try on outfits while Rina stood outside the dressing room.

“So…are you excited about going out tonight Eggy?”

“You know my answer and you know you’re not going to like it.”

“Yeah, I know you’d rather be home with Mister and blah blah blah, I just want you to experience what’s left of our twenties, sometimes it feels like you’re already going through a mid-life crisis.”

“What does that even mean?”

“You’re always so humdrum these days, in college you were so fun, and we would hang out all the time but now I barely see you outside of work and I love my boyfriend and friends, but no one can replace my eggy.”

“…I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

“Don’t be sorry eggy, put that energy into making yourself happy!”

You chose not to respond because you didn’t know what happiness looked like, you hated to admit Rina was right and you were already depressed and over life at 28 but you can’t help feeling this way. You decided to not think too much about it and finished trying on the last outfit Rina suggested, she knew you weren’t a flashy person, so she grabbed a few safe options for you to try on, this one was a white dress with spaghetti straps and a ruffled bottom that stopped at your knees, the dress was form fitting and showed a good amount of cleavage. You stepped out the fitting room to show your friend.

“How is this?” You asked with your arms crossed covering your chest a bit.

“Holy hell Y/N you look so hot! Take that off and give it to me I’m buying that for you right now.”

“Wait really? You like this?”

“Hell no, I love it! You’re so wearing that tonight the guys are gonna be in love with you. Seonghwa isn’t gonna know what to d-“ she slapped her hand over her mouth realizing that she had revealed a secret she was trying to keep from you. You froze and just stared at her then you walked back in the fitting room to change.

“Now listen to me Y/N.”

“I don’t want to hear it, Rina.”

Once you quickly changed you handed the dress to Rina and left the store heading directly to the car. Rina quickly paid for the dress and an outfit she got for herself and jogged after you. By the time she reached you had already got to the car and was waiting for her to unlock it, she hit the unlock button and you both got in.

“Eggy I really didn’t know he was coming until today…I promise.”

You stayed silent while Rina sat there looking at you with the biggest puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen.

“If you don’t want to go anymore, I understand…”

She didn’t know why you broke up with Seonghwa in college she just knew it was a bit sudden, one day you and Rina were planning the imaginary wedding the next day you stopped smiling and started wearing hoodies and letting your hair grow out. There was things Rina did notice, it was the fact that Seonghwa graduated a year before you two and communication between the two of you became less and less than one afternoon you two had a fight and then you broke up with him. Rina wanted to help get her best friends back together and even went to Seonghwas house but that’s where she met Hongjoong, Seonghwas half-brother that was a year younger. You explained the situation and he let you know that Hwa had left for Europe a few days prior. She respected your decision to break up with Hwa because you were in the relationship, not her but she always secretly wanted you two to get back together one day.

“…I’ll go…it’s fine.” You couldn’t keep living life hoping not to see Seonghwa again, you knew at some point you’d see him.

“I promise Eggy you won’t feel weird I’ll punch him if he upsets you!”

You two drive back to Rinas house to get dressed at around 9pm you and Rina are ready and decide it’s time to go. Everyone was meeting at Rinas house, so everyone was downstairs already.

“Come on Y/N, are you ready?”

You step out of the bathroom that Rina and Hongjoong had connected to their room and Rina dramatically gasp.

“Oh my god my Nubian queen I’m in love, please I’ll leave my man for you right now let’s run away together.”

You put on the dress she got you with black heels that laced up your legs, you had a very simple make up look that complimented your lips and eyes and added some fun curls to your hair.

“Don’t be dramatic Rina…”

She grabbed you by your hands and dragged you out the room as you two started to descend the stairs.

“Don’t believe me? Ask everyone else.”

You got to the bottom of the stairs and some of Rinas other female friends were there.

“We’re ready everyone! And look at Y/N doesn’t she look amazing?”

Everyone playfully cheered at your entrance, you couldn’t help but to feel a bit shy.

"So, this is the infamous Y/N we hear about but can never make it? I was starting to think Rina had an imaginary friend!" A woman you didn't recognize stood up.

"Yuna, nice to finally meet you Y/N." she walked over to extend her hand to you, and you shook it. You felt bad because your mind was not on her or anyone else for that matter. You were nervously looking for him...Mr. Park Seonghwa. Rina being your friend of many years saw how you scanned the room distracted and knew you were looking for him.

"Alright well Hongjoong and the guys are going to meet us at the club so lets head out." You all exited Rinas loft and got into separate cars, naturally you rode shotgun in Rinas car."

You arrived at the club and went through the usually run down of the bouncers checking every nook and cranny of your purse then them checking your IDs. Rinas friends flirted with security a bit to get you in for free and Hongjoong had bought a V.I.P section for you all so you headed over to it. You were not Hongjoongs favorite person because naturally he saw you as the girl who broke his brother’s heart and sent him packing to Europe alone when that was just the surface of the truth. Hongjoong skipped the school route and went into creating his own path in music engineering, it didn't make him much money at first and Rina supported him through it, then he finally got his big break and had worked his way up since. You had a lot of respect for him because you assumed that when he made it big, he would leave Rina, but he didn't, he stayed home to stay with her and takes care of her well. They matched each other well, when they first met, she was frantically looking for his brother to figure out the breakup situation, he thought she was cute and asked her out, he appreciated her genuine spirit. From there they have been together since.

Once in V.I.P you guys spent 30 minutes drinking and wand swaying to the music while you waited for the guys, you stayed seated in the corner working on one drink, you didn't mean to be a downer, but this was just not making you feel any better, you felt indifferent about the whole thing. Rina checked her phone and realized Joong texted her telling her to bring everyone to the dance floor because that’s where the guys were. Rina relayed the message and you let her know you were going to hang back a bit to then rejoin the group, she was hesitant about leaving you but accepted that maybe you just needed to thaw out still. As everyone was leaving you checked you phone and realized you got a message from Jonathan:

As you finished typing you heard a familiar voice, and it made your stomach drop.

"Texting my replacement?" The dreaded ghost of your past has finally appeared, you looked up slowly to see Seonghwa in black dress pants, a white button down with a pull over. You looked back down trying to keep your composure and calm yourself, you hadn’t seen Seonghwa since the day he left for Europe and had no idea it would feel this strange when you saw him again.

“No.” was all you could say, Seonghwa smiled and sat next to you.

“You’re not denying that there is a replacement then.”

“There isn’t.” You turned your attention back to your phone and crossed your legs. Seonghwa took a moment to really look over you, he sure did miss seeing you.

“You look as beautiful as always Y/N, it’s nice to see you again.”

“Thank you.”

“Come on beautiful don’t be like that; I want to talk to you.”

You chose to stay quiet because you simply had nothing to say to him, Seonghwa may seem sweet and innocent to everyone else, but you knew the real him, the him no one else got to see. In college he wasn’t only someone that made you feel insecure he was also a manipulative gas lighter. He made you feel lesser than, made you feel like you were always in the wrong, made you fell like you never did enough as a girlfriend. You gave your everything to him and he gave you hell in return. The week before seonghwa left for Europe he was telling you all about how he was offered an internship at a company in Europe and told you he wanted to go.

“Y/N it could really change my life and help jump start my career! I really think I should go.” He said to you while you both were in his apartment.

“I think you should go to; it sounds like your dream opportunity.”

“So, you’re on board then?”

“Of course, I am, you know I’ll support you through anything.”

“That’s so good because I already said yes and bought our tickets, we leave next week I’m so ha-“

“Our? Next week?” you asked with a puzzled look on your face.

“Well yes, I assumed you would be coming with me.”

“Hwa, I’m still in school, I can’t just up and leave I have to finish out my courses, this is my senior year.”

“That’s the thing baby” he walked over to cup your hands then look you in your eyes then continued.

“If I do this internship, I be able to get a great job that could take care of us both.”

The smile that was once on your face had completely faded now.

“But I’ve worked so hard, I can’t just quit and let you take care of me for the rest of my life.”

“Yes, you can Y/N, my career is going to be more than enough for us.”

“What about my career though?”

“You don’t need one if we have mine, you can pick back up your little photography hobby, doesn’t that sound fun?”

This was supposed to be his way of convincing you, yet this just sounded like he was belittling all the hard work you have put into your life. You took your hands out of his and back away from him.

“…You’re the one that told me to switch my major to marketing because photography wouldn’t get me anywhere in life…”

“Right, I know Y/N but now it can be something fun for you to do while I work.”

“Photography means a lot to me, it’s not just some hobby Seonghwa.”

“Fine whatever, why is this even the topic at hand Y/N this isn’t about you right now.”

“Well, I mean…it kind of is Seonghwa, you want me to drop out of school and just come with you to Europe for a year, that’s not something I can really just do.”

“You can always finish school later in life Y/N it’s not this serious.”

“It is to me though!”

“Well, what do you want me to do? Not go and throw my own career away just so you can focus on you?”

“No, I’m not telling you to not go Seonghwa, I’m saying I can’t go with you.”

He folded his arms and scoffed.

“So, you expect us to be long distance?”

“I mean why not?”

“Wow Y/N I knew you could be selfish, but this is crazy even for you.” You wanted to respond but he just continued. “You do know I didn’t have to even discuss this with you? I could have just broken up with you and left. I have options Y/N I think you forget that. Rather you go into marketing or do your little photography my job in engineering is going to be what takes care of us!”

“I never asked to be taken care of Seonghwa!”

“Good because you don’t deserve to be, you were just some dorky girl in photography when I met you and I helped elevate your entire life!”

“I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but I can make choices on my own.”

“Right just like you chose to go to college for photography, you chose to gain weight, you chose to dress the way you dress showing all that skin to everyone that would give you attention. I helped make you the woman you are today, not you, not Rina, not your mom and not the guys that eye fuck you just so they can give you the attention and validation you are always so desperate for.”

Tears started to perk up in the corners of your eyes, you didn’t think telling him no would make him berate you like this, you even considered changing your mind and just saying yes and going but no. Why should you be okay with him treating you like this? Why should you stand for his horrible ways and self-centeredness, this isn’t what you deserve, you deserve much more then a guy that isn’t even willing to do long distance for a year. You stayed silent and started to gather your items while he continued his rant, once you were done getting your stuff you stood at the door and turned to him.

“I’ll be back tomorrow with Rina to get the rest of my stuff Seonghwa, hopefully you’ll be calmer.”

“Don’t bother, you don’t deserve me, you never have, if you walk out this door, we are done Y/N, you’re throwing away all 4 years that we have together.”

You stood there hesitantly, having a small panic attack about being alone, was leaving Seonghwa really what you wanted to do?

“Then I guess this is it then.”

That was the last words you said to Seonghwa before leaving his apartment and walking yourself back to your dorm in the cold night. You called Rina over and cried to her about you two breaking up but never told her the exact reason. From there the autopilot turned on and you started to just coast through life. Doing the most sensible thing and staying out of the way, your hair got longer, you got in the gym to lose the belly fat and you maintained yourself. You got a nice career after college, then bought yourself a house and a dog and even hired a sweet caretaker to help maintain everything for you. You never knew rather you did all that to prove to yourself that you could take care of yourself or to prove it to Seonghwa but even after all that you still weren’t happy.

You zoned back in from your flash back and realized Seonghwa was just staring at you.

“Why are you staring at me?”

“Because you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I’ve missed you.”

“Thank you.”

“Did you miss me ?”

“Seonghwa…”

“I know, I know, listen I’m sorry if I’m being pushy, I was just really excited to see you tonight and I couldn’t contain myself, I’ll back off a bit.” He smiled softly at you, and you had to fight with your self not to melt on the spot you softly bit your bottom lip then took another sip of your drink. Seonghwa knew the effect he still had on you, he pours himself and you a shot of tequila.

“Still a light only girl, right?”

“Yeah…”

He handed you the shot glass and you put your drink down to take it.

“What are we toasting?”

“How about cheers to new beginnings?”

“Sure”

You two clinked your glasses together then tapped the table and took the shots, some of the alcohol spilling down the side of your mouth. Seonghwa grabbed your chin with two of his fingers and wiped it with his thumb. He stayed silent and you two just stared into each other’s eyes for a moment. Your stomach was in your ass at this point and your brown cheeks felt hot. You stood up to kill his gaze.

“I um- have to go to the bathroom be back.”

You walked out of the section leaving Seonghwa there by himself, you made it to the back of the club and found a small private room with an unlocked door and opened it.

You walked in and saw a couple making out which startled you.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” you said and was about to exit but then a man dressed in all black walked in behind you.

“Get the hell out of here, I told you two this room isn’t for fucking.” You stood there watching as the man shoo’d the couple out the room, he was a smaller gentleman, no way was he a bouncer he had to be a good 5’8 with some muscles but no where near as much as the guys standing outside. He had on a black t-shirt with black jeans and converses and his hair was longer, his split bangs covered his eyes a bit and when he turned back to you, you realized this guy was gorgeous.

“Hello, ma’am? Can you hear me?”

You realized you zoned out again because you could hear him talking to you.

“Are you okay lady? Do you need me to call someone?”

“Oh, um no sorry I just came here to cool off a bit but if I’m not allowed then it’s fine.”

“Nah it’s cool, you aren’t in here trying to fuck someone so you can stay, I’m about to take my break in here so come in, close the door and lock it.”

You nodded your head then closed the door behind you and twisted the lock on the handle. You took a seat on the sectional couch, and he sat on the one across from you, then took out a small bag from his pocket, you realized it was weed and chose not to care about it. You sighed heavily to release the tension in your body then closed your eyes and dropped your head back on the wall. While the man was rolling, he couldn’t help but notice the obvious tension in the room coming from you.

“Uh… you alright lady?”

You opened you eyes but didn’t make contact at all, you were dazed and confused about your feelings and what better way to feel better then to unload on some poor unexpecting Stanger.

“Yeah, I came out with my friends tonight and they invited my college ex that made me feel horrible about myself, but I can’t be mad at them because they don’t know about all the shitty things, he has said to me so now I’m stuck in a club with him.” Amid your rambling, you didn’t notice the man lighting his blunt and coming to sit next to you, he offered it to you, and you declined.

“Well mad at them or not that still sucks, sorry you’re going through that.”

“It’s fine nothing to do now but wait here till I die I guess.”

“Well, no, you could always tell your friends what he did I’m sure they would get why you don’t wanna hang with him.”

“Yeah, but my best friend dates my ex’s brother, so it’ll get messy, and I don’t want to come between them.”

He took another hit of his blunt and inhaled deeply.

“Fuuuck that sucks, yeah I don’t know what you could do lady.”

“Y/N, that’s my name, nice to meet you.”

You stuck your hand out to shake his and he grabbed you hand and kissed the back of it.

“Wooyoung, and the pleasure is all mine.”

“So, Y/N tell me more about this ex, seems like you never got to tell anyone about it, and you need someone to be on your side.”

“I don’t want to bore you.”

“You won’t, it would be a good reason to not go back to work.”

So, you did, you told Wooyoung, the random man you met in a private room at a club everything about you and Seonghwa, every detail and argument, and he listen as he finished smoking.

“God damn you’re right, that guy fucking sucks, I’m sorry you went through that, seriously.”

“Thank you, you were right it does feel better to finally tell someone everything.”

“I’m surprised hot girls like you have to deal with nightmares like that, it’s insane that he made you feel like you weren’t pretty and that you should cover your body.”

Your face got hot again, and you got a bit shy, something felt kind of good about this man agreeing with you, he continued.

“If you were my girl, I’d let you flaunt all of that shit, showing off that nice ass body you have, it would make me want you more knowing that other guys want you and can’t have you.”

That’s when it returned, the thumping, this incredibly sexy man was giving you the validation that Seonghwa didn’t for years, now you weren’t the type to seek male validation but Wooyoung sitting there looking like that and just giving it too you, you couldn’t help but admit it made you hot. You crossed your leg over the other one to give yourself a bit of friction to try to calm down then continued the conversation.

“Really?”

“Hell yeah, I think you’re sexy as hell so for him to try to dismiss you like that is kinda insane. If I were him, I’d say fuck Europe or do the long-distance thing just to keep you.”

“Wow, that’s actually really nice, thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem, the next guy to get you is gonna be lucky as hell.”

“Yeah, if that happens, I can’t even find a guy to fuck me good, let alone one that will date me and make me happy.”

He looked over at you with a confused look.

“Wait this whole time you haven’t even been having sex or anything.”

“Well, I had sex with 1 guy twice but that was 2 years ago.”

Wooyoung dramatically face palmed then slid his hand down his face.

“That’s insane as hell, sorry if I’m overstepping but again if you were mine, I’d be fucking you from sunup to sundown.”

Your stomach dropped again, and the thumping got more intense in your core, you were use to guys saying they would fuck you, but this felt different. Maybe it was because he was high, but Wooyoung decided to continue.

“You’d be bent over any surface I could find and when I wasn’t fucking you, I’d be treating you like how you deserve to be treated, so don’t expect anything else but what one man won’t do another is willing too.”

He finished his statement and placed his hand on your thigh, and something snapped in you, you felt like you needed this stranger, he had this effect on you that went straight to your heated core. You two finally made eye contact and you could feel the lust in his gaze, he wanted you as bad as you wanted him. You lunged forward and connected your lips with his, you lip gloss immediately spreading to his lips. He moved his hand from your thigh to your hips and gripped it gently. You two moved your head according to each other’s motions, the kiss was quickly elevated to a French kiss as you made the move to push your tongue into his mouth. You could taste the smoke that was in his mouth, and he could taste the faint taste of alcohol on yours, you both were coherent but lost in the lust you had for each other. He moved his other hand to your other hip and pulled you into his lap to straddle him, you had one leg on each side and the kiss continued. You both pulled back for air and breathed heavily.

“Are you sure you want this?”

“Yes, please take me.”

“Yes ma’am.”

He pulled the straps of your dress down, though you had rather larger breast you opted to not wear a bra that tonight, so the straps won’t show. Wooyoung continued to pull your dress down until your two mounts of flesh plopped out.

“They are so pretty Y/N.” he grabbed both, he had a boob in each hand and brushed his thumbs over your hard brown nipples, he put his soft lips onto your left nipple and sucked it lightly with his eyes closed. You dropped you head back and moaned lightly.

“How could he not appreciate these pretty boobs; I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of them.”

His praises about your body made you start to grind your hips down on him slowly. You could feel his semi-hard dick rubbing against your clothed cunt. He continued to suck your breast and flick his tongue on them. Your phone started to ring, and you looked over and saw it was Rina. You didn’t even realize you had been in this room for an hour, your friend group got back to the section to get ready to leave and noticed you weren’t there. You reached over to grab it, but Wooyoung continued to suck on your nipples like his life depended on it. You finally grabbed it and answered the call, you suppressed your moans and tried to sound like you weren’t currently dry humping a stranger in a room with his mouth on your breast.

“H-hey, what’s up?”

“Girl where did you go? The club is closing soon and everyone is getting ready to go.”

You bit your lip as Wooyoung continued to assault your breast, he removed one of his hands and went under your dress to rub your clothed pussy, the wetness had completely soaked through.

“I’m -ah- in the bathroom, I’ll be done soon.”

Rina was confused by your strange tone but continued the conversation. You moved your free hand to the back of Wooyoungs head and gripped his hair.

“Have you seen Seonghwa? We can’t find him either and he isn’t answering his phone.”

“No, I haven’t, um I’ll meet you over in the section soon.” You abruptly hung up and tossed your phone to the side.

“Aww, gotta leave me so soon pretty girl?”

He hooked his fingers into your panties, and you looked at him.

“W-we don’t have enough time…”

“Don’t worry pretty, all I need is 2 minutes.”

He laid you down on the couch and slid your panties off, he got on top of you and kissed you deeply, you thought he was going to try to fuck you quickly but instead you felt one of his fingers slide into your wet hole. You jolted and moaned into his mouth, and he leaned up, kneeling in front of your bent spread apart legs. He bit his lip and slid in another finger; you covered your mouth to suppress your moans.

“Mm don’t worry pretty, you can moan all you want in here, no one can hear us over the music, so let me hear that sexy voice.”

He glided his fingers in and out of you at a slow pace your back arched, he was going slow, yet it felt like your brain was being rewired, your pussy started to contract around his digits you already felt your orgasm on the fast track.

“Ah Wooyoung, I’m going to cum please.”

“My name sounds so good coming out of your lips baby, keep saying it.”

He started to jackhammer his fingers deeper and faster into your cunt and you gripped his veiny forearm, digging your nails into him. He knew the sting of your nails was a sign that he was hitting just the right spot. You started to say his name more and more, begging him to make you cum right there on that couch, his pace grew faster, your eyes started to roll to the back of your head, you saw white as your orgasm washed over you. You were moaning and cursing as he continued to pump his fingers into you as you came down from your high. A knock on the door brought you back to reality.

“Woo, the boss is looking for you bro, are you there?”

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

He slowly slid his fingers out of you and slid them into his mouth, sucking all your nectar from them.

“Damn baby you taste as good as you look, hopefully I’ll see you again Y/N.” He got up and grabbed the rest of his weed and got something off the floor and stuffed it into his pocket, he winked at you before leaving out the door. You got up and tried to get your footing, while you were fixing your hair and getting your phone you got another text from Rina and that’s when you realized you had to go. You left the room and met back up with your friend, she was there in the section alone with Hongjoong.

“Ah, there’s the missing person.” Hongjoong said in a sarcastic voice when he realized you had walked up.

“Y/N! Are you okay, I was a little scared when you didn’t reply to my messages.”

“Sorry, I was in the bathroom, one of the drinks I had made me feel a little sick.”

Rina got up and walked to you to place her hand on your back.

“Oh no Y/N, well let’s get you home so you can get some rest, okay? Baby I’ll meet you at home.”

Hongjoong nodded and stood up to leave the section, before he left, he turned to you to ask again.

“And you’re sure you weren’t with Seonghwa?”

“No. I wasn’t”

You rolled your eyes and the three of you left the club and went your separate ways. While in the car with Rina you stared out the window and watched as the buildings passed, you were thinking about what you and Wooyoung did, but you were mostly thinking about his words, for years you somewhat blamed your self for you and Seonghwas break up and often time regretted it but now you thought about how maybe Seonghwa really didn’t deserve you.

“What’s on your mind Eggy?”

You had 2 options here, lie and act like tonight never happened or tell the truth and remember the night forever.

“Nothing, I’m just tired is all.” You said switching your position because you realized Wooyoung had taken your panties.

You couldn’t bring yourself to tell your best friend that you let a complete stranger give you the best orgasm you’ve had in years. She pulled into your driveway, and you offered to let her spend the night, but she declined saying how she was excited to get back home to Hongjoong because he wanted to rip that dress she had on right off her body. You smiled at your happy and in love best friend and waved her off. You walked into your house and set the alarm while Mister followed you around panting and happy to see you. You showered and cleaned the makeup off your face, you put on one of your night dresses and laid in bed, as you were drifting off to sleep you realized something, the thumping was gone, and you were able to get a good night of rest.

….

You let Sunday brush past as doing nothing but working out and reading, then Monday rolled around. Time to get back to your usual routine, the moment you felt with Wooyoung in that room was the most you had felt in a long time, but it was time to get your head out of the clouds and get back to your day to day. Once you walked down the stairs wearing your usual skirt, stockings, button down and blazer you heard the knock on the door, you knew it would be Jonathan there to introduce you to his nephew. You opened the door and your stomach dropped; Jonathan was standing there greeting you with his warm smile with his nephew standing directly behind him on the side. You expected his nephew to be some random younger guy but no, it was none other then him, it could have been anyone else, but it wasn’t, it was Wooyoung. You both stared at each other, and it was a moment of silence.

“Ms. Y/N, this is my nephew Wooyoung, he’ll be taking over for me for a while, thank you so much for the opportunity. Wooyoung introduce yourself.”

Wooyoung smiled slyly, like a fox, his handsome face made you want to melt.

“I’m Wooyoung, I’m 25, thank you for the job.”

This was going to be one hell of a temp job.

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aobabes · 2 years

Text

I'm thinking about how Aoba has such deep-seated abandonment issues to the point where he hates being alone. Like, it's a genuine fear of his, being abandoned or left completely alone. And Sly is so intense about protecting Aoba because of this.

In Noiz’s route, when Noiz left, Aoba searched for him relentlessly and gave up only because he'd gaslit himself into believing he'd see him again someday whilst still being so depressed. When he came back, of course Aoba was happy but he was also conflicted because Noiz had drastically changed so much which made Aoba afraid that he'd seen so much of the world by now that he'd eventually leave him behind.

In Clear’s route, after Clear died, Aoba kept him in his room hidden away for months on end, determined to fix him himself although his knowledge was only limited to allmates and he didn't know the first thing about repairing a broken android. But even after he gave up on trying to fix him, he still kept him hidden away from everyone else in his room because he didn't want to be without him. He was so hesitant when giving the responsibility to fix him over to Tae, and even then he was so anxious and depressed throughout the waiting process. The first thing he asked Clear when he came back was “Are you real?” because he was so convinced his mind set up a maladaptive daydream as a coping mechanism to cope with his grief and depression, which is honestly not so far fetched. He was so afraid to have sex with Clear because the last time they did so, he was breaking down and it was his dying wish; Aoba was so afraid of hurting Clear or of damaging him because he was terrified of losing him again when he just got him back.

In Mink’s re:connect route, Aoba left the comfort of his home as a means to search for him, traveled halfway across the globe to look for him because of how lonely he was without him. He'd told Mink he was depressed and upset when he left without a word and he wanted to see him because he wanted to get a conversation out of him for once, for him to talk to him, to communicate with something other than violence because, with the help of Scrap, Aoba knew that wasn't who Mink really was; he was hiding his true nature from Aoba, hiding it underneath a coat of wanting revenge and nothing more. When Mink ignored his attempts at communication, (not because he didn't care for him, but because he did care and the shame and guilt of abusing him and solely using him as a tool for his benefit made him want to hide and run from Aoba) Aoba nearly drew himself crazy because although they were sleeping under the same roof, he still felt so alone with every moment Mink ignored his advances towards healthy development in their relationship.

In Koujaku’s route, Aoba is upset with him for withholding information from him when they're supposed to tell each other everything, seeing as how they're childhood friends. So, he already feels a lack of trust and communication between them. But, when Koujaku started repeatedly leaving the hotel they were staying at in Platinum Jail, Aoba started to get excessively angry. In a flashback to his childhood, it's revealed that whenever Aoba was left alone, he'd run off because he was so anxious, and he'd start to cry. And Koujaku would find him and console him every time. I think it's because of this that Aoba was so upset at Koujaku when he started leaving the hotel without him knowing. Because, Koujaku out of all people, should know just how bad his fear of abandonment and loneliness is. Which is why Aoba feels somewhat betrayed by Koujaku’s actions.

This is all rooted in the fact that Nine, Haruka, and Tae were the first people who gave Aoba shelter and safety in terms of his abandonment issues and the anxiety that came with the fear of being alone. The comfort his newfound family gave him caused his alters to no longer negatively front and to quiet down amongst his headspace as there was no reason to protect him and no trauma for them to hold for him. Yet, when Nine and Haruka had to leave, this caused very intense trauma of abandonment to form, which in turn caused Sly to front as a means to protect him as well as hold onto his trauma. “Don't trust anyone. They're all enemies. They could hurt us.” Sly just wanted to keep Aoba safe from being abandoned and traumatized again. I could talk about Aoba’s anxiety and fear of abandonment and how that ties into the lengths Sly would go to protect him from experiencing anymore trauma in relation to that, but for now, take my ramblings about this anxiety-ridden system.

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datura-tea · 7 months

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i just realized something. my player characters with bethesda-mandated family (lone wanderer gwen and sole survivor sofia) are estranged from that family. meanwhile my couriers (moz, kiwi, and avery) have pretty good relationships with their families :) that's what happens when a backstory isn't forced to your character i guess!!

details under the cut

gwen and james, though stuck in close proximity in the vault for 19 years, are as distant as can be. james has his work, his projects. gwen has all the turbulent drama of childhood and teenage life. they have their moments, but otherwise? nothing much. except for lectures and reprimands, they don't really talk, especially post-james and ellen's divorce. gwen has more of a relationship with ellen and butch than james.

their relationship gets worse topside, when after all gwen has done to get to james is pushed to the side because all james can think of is project purity. so after he dies, what does gwen do? let his pet project die as well. she doesn't even know what the passcode number is, when sarah lyons asks her. how the fuck would she know? her father barely told her anything. she didn't know ellen deloria wasn't her biological mom until after james divorced ellen and told gwen the truth. she's not even sure if he loved her for herself, or if he just loved her the way a parent loves their child - as an extension of themself and their values. now that he's dead, she'll never know for sure.

sofia has a good relationship with her family back home in the philippines, all six siblings and both parents and both sets of grandparents, and countless uncles and aunts and cousins of them. the problem is nate. and shaun, eventually. the thing is, sofia never imagined herself marrying a foreigner, much less a blue-eyed american soldier. she never would have married nate if he hadn't gotten her pregnant. but with abortion being illegal in the philippines, and with nate being "a true gentleman" in his words, there was little else she could do.

in boston, a shotgun wedding. which turned into a loveless marriage pretty quick, once the honeymoon phase wore off. homesickness. morning sickness. anti-asian racist microagressions from neighbors who've never met a filipino before, even though america annexed the philippines decades ago. a miserable life, freshly post-partum and friendless and jobless, all alone in a big house with only a baby and a robot butler for company. who wouldn't fall into a deep depression?

and don't get me started on shaun. sofia placed all her hopes and dreams and joys on meeting her baby boy and watching him grow up, teaching him tagalog and sharing with him all her favorite meals and memories. can you imagine how sofia felt, when he got kidnapped? when she spent her first year in the post-apocalypse relentlessly trying to find him? when she killed kellogg in her rage and grief over him? when, finally, they meet and he isn't a baby but an old man, the leader of the group she's looking to dismantle, and she realizes that he came from her but he's not of her, he doesn't know her and she doesn't know him, and she hates everything he stands for, but still she's his mother and she loves him but she'll never like him? can you imagine???

meanwhile: moz and her big family with her mothers dalisay and philomena, her big brother lakan with his wife guadalupe and their eight kids (all adopted), and her husband ulysses and their child ree, plus everyone in the painted hairs, everyone in their town whom she calls tito and tita and ate and kuya and bunso and totoy and nene :) nothing but love and understanding there!!

kiwi and their family of butchers and tailors - grandmother, father, mother, and brothers, all adept with shiny sharp things. strict but loving, in the "i want what i think is best for you" kind of way. kiwi would have stayed if their father didn't keep forcing the butchershop and their straight marriage to a family friend's daughter on them. honestly if kiwi went home, they'd find their father a changed man - he only wants kiwi to be happy, really; if wearing sequins and being the right-hand man of mr house is the key to that happiness, then so be it!

avery is an only son, raised by a single mother after his ncr ranger father died. he and his mother will defend each other to death - which is why avery set fire to his mother's asshole (now ex-)boyfriend's house when he hurt avery's mom. on the run, avery still writes letters home. he never leaves a return address until after he gains amnesty for his arson charge. by then, his return address is the lucky 38. his mom sends him one hell of a letter. the first thing he does after winning the battle of hoover dam is go home to his mom :)

#this realllyy got away from me lol #shh peri shhh #gwen #sofia #moz #kiwi #avery

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asetoblog · 20 days

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You know, Final Fantasy 7 is one of my favourite games ever (my top favs are HZD/HFW, all games involving FF7 and - although it's getting worse - Dragon Age) and I would like to write about something that doesn't sit right with me.

Warning: this post is a Sephiroth apology‼️🌸

So, remember the end of FF7 Remake, where Cloud & Co get to the end of the Midgar highway and they meet Sephiroth? In that exact moment, Aerith tells him "you're wrong", marking the word "wrong". She doesn't mean he's wrong about something, she literally means his whole existence is wrong and he shouldn't have been there or anywhere else in the first place.

Now, that remark rubbed me the wrong way, because Aerith is the only character connected to the Planet in this story and she's supposed to be very empathetic of what and how people suffer. She also lived in the Shinra building during her childhood and she hated it, she perfectly knows how things work there and she loathes - rightfully so - professor Hojo, because she knows what an unscrupulous and ruthless man he is. This would mean she met a younger Sephiroth at some point, and yeah she was still a child, but she must've noticed he was a kind and actually very submissive guy (maybe I'll get to this later???). I think she knows he too was subjected to experiments, just like she was, but this doesn't seem to bother her and she goes straight to saying something on the line of "you shouldn't exist".

In another moment in FF7 Rebirth, you can get a dialogue with Tifa in which she tells you she is "sick of Sephiroth cruelty [...]" and so on. Now, I agree with her, all she got from Sephiroth was her dad's death, wouldn't you be fucking pissed at him and hate him and want him dead? Yeah.

Thing is, I agree with Tifa and disagree with Aerith, but all of this makes me wonder: have they thought what a horrible and traumatic life Sephiroth had until that point?

Sephiroth:

-was born an experiment

-was taken away from his own mother, never met her

-doesn't even know his father

-as a child, he's shy and submissive, never gets any friends, he thus grows up lonely

-he spends most of his life in Hojo's lab, among Mako energy, needles and treatments

-no one ever showed him affection nor love, he was simply raised like a weapon in the hands of the most powerful corporation of the world

-his only two friends, as an adult, abandoned him

-one of his two best friends tells him the truth about him without the hint of some tact, he also calls him "monster" not knowing he's feeding the "insane gene" (let's call it that) in him

-the only new friend he gets, a recruit, jumps straight to conclusions instead of trying to help him

-he always said he wanted a "normale life" and he was forced into that. He also was one step away from leaving Shinra before the accident of Nibelheim happened

There's actually more to point out, but let's just take a step back and think about how an entire life of traumas, deprivation and loneliness can drive a person wild and cause Personality Disorders, Depression and Psychosis. I'm honestly surprised he even endured so much for so long and that would mean he'd be ok if only someone really cared for him and didn't see him as a "hero", a "star" or someone unreachable. His snapping point was reading all the history of Gast and Hojo's experiments and learning more about Jenova. That, sadly, adds up to the trauma he has to face and he even cries about it, meaning he was definitely still (emotionally) sane. Perhaps, it would have taken only one word of comfort but not even Zack was there for him, instead he acted a little harsh, in my opinion.

By this I don't mean things had to go differently, because otherwise I wouldn't have had one of my favourite stories out there, I'm just trying to point out how deplorable Aerith's comment sounds, especially knowing she's so caring and empathetic. I just don't like tha fact that such a dialogue line was written, but at the end I am but a humble Sephiroth apologist.

"You're wrong". No, Sephiroth is not wrong, all the people who surrounded him were.

#sephiroth #ff7 #final fantasy 7 #ff7r #ff7 rebirth #final fantasy 7 rebirth #sephiroth apology #aerith was harsh man #i love his character

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the-cookie-of-doom · 2 months

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for a while now, I've really been doubting my career choices with nursing. I know a lot of it is burn out and depression, and being so overwhelmed between work, school, and clinical, that I didn't have time to breathe. I was in the hospital/on campus for 60 hours a week last semester, and that's not counting the time I had to study outside of that. It was awful. I quit my job because of it, I was almost involuntarily committed because of it.

But the scariest part for me has been how much I've hated clinical. It makes me miserable. And that's terrifying, because once I graduate? That's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. So if I already hate it now, what does that mean for my future?

Sometimes, though... Sometimes I'll have a clinical that is just so good, it reminds me of why I'm doing this. Why I'm putting myself through the pain and suffering of becoming a nurse, which is honestly one of the hardest careers a person can have. It's mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. It destroys your body and your mental health. Most of the time it's thankless. It doesn't pay nearly enough for what we go through.

Despite all of the reasons there are not to become a nurse, there are some patients that will remind you why it's all worth it anyway.

Last week, I had a crotchety old bitch of a patient. She had been in the hospital for 10 days, was refusing all of her treatments, screamed at anyone that came in her room, and demanded dilaudid around the clock, despite having no injuries to justify it. Everyone hated her. Her own nurses went in her room as little as possible; I think in the entire 12 hours I was there, her nurse spent maybe a total of 20 minutes in her room. I was in there for hours. A couple minutes at a time in the beginning just so she could warm up to me. Then I spent 2 straight hours at her bedside just talking to her. Letting her tell me her life story. Which was tragic, of course, and no wonder she was so run down and bitter and wanted to get high off narcotics. She was miserable, lonely, and in chronic pain from a body that was deteriorating around her.

So I spent as much time with her as possible. Sure enough, she didn't ask me for any pain medications a single time, once she realized she could trust I was going to look after her. I Explained her medications and her treatments, and the reasoning behind them. I offered to reach out to out chaplain when I noticed she was hyper focused on some televangical broadcast. I got her to call her son to come visit her. I got her to agree to take her medications and allow us to take blood sample for her labs, which were days overdue. I got her up and working with physical therapy so she could start walking again.

By the end of the day, that patient loved me. Not a single complaint all day, she wasn't screaming down the halls and cursing everyone's existence. She was still crotchety and mean in that way old hillbillies are, but she wasn't angry. She wasn't lashing out. She was finally being cooperative. All because I took the time to talk to her and offer her company.

Tonight, I had a shift in our mental health unit. There was a patient who I noticed was very withdrawn and avoiding everyone, mostly just standing in a corner at the end of the hall, by a window. I went down and talked to him. Kind of stilted at first, but slowly he opened up to me. I really only meant to talk for a few minutes, mostly for my own sake, to get used to interacting with mental health patients like this.

Instead, we talked for hours. Nearly 3 hours straight at the start of the day alone, and then more throughout the day. My feet were killing me by the end of it, but it was completely worth it to see the way this poor guy came to life. We talked about everything from social topics like music and movies, to his medications and treatments, and how to manage his depression once he leaves. Something I was able to connect with him about on a personal level in a way his nurse hadn't, because I've been living with depression for a decade, I've been on antidepressants, and I understand. I think that was the point it clicked for him, when he really started reaching out to me, instead of answering when I prompted him. Because humans need connection and understanding.

By the end of the day he was talking freely and smiling nearly non-stop. We'd made plans for him to get back into an old hobby he hadn't touched in years, and he seemed genuinely excited to start it back up again. He was nearly bouncing in place when I went to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and thanked me for talking to him all day. Even the staff nurses noticed the way his demeanor had completely changed.

Another patient (my actual patient for the night) started the day very combative. To the point she had to be redirected to her room (not locked up, just strongly encouraged to go and cool down). She was screaming at everyone, having some very serious and severe delusions. Same story; I talked to her throughout the day, little bits whenever she was feeling calm. I noticed she had a tattoo from an old semi-niche XBox game I used to play, and we bonded over that. By the end of the shift she loved me. Kept asking me if I'd gotten lunch/dinner, made sure all the other patients on the unit got their snacks, told us all to get some rest once it was curfew for the unit (we had to stay another 2 hours) and said we could use the spare bed in her room if we needed. Which sounds really weird but coming from her was incredibly sweet. Again, total attitude change.

I am very cognizant of the fact that the way I approach my patient care is largely a privilege of still being a student. It's easy for me to stand at a patient's bedside for 2 hours straight and listen to her life story when I have nothing better to do, let alone 3 other patients to take care of. But that nurse didn't talk to her at all. Even when she was in the room, she dismissed everything the patient said. The mental health nurses? Most of their time is spent in the nursing station gossiping and messing on their phones. There's no reason for them not to put in the extra effort of spending time with their patients. And especially there, it can have such an impact.

All of that is to say, I love the relationships I'm able to build with my patients. It's so important for me to be able to connect with people like this, to make them feel seen and cared for and important. No one wants to be treated like an inconvenience, especially not while they're in the hospital, sick and hurt and exhausted and in pain.

Nights like these are why I'm going into this field. I love medicine and I always knew I would end up in the hospital, I've always wanted to be able to save someone's life. But I think now that I've grown up and I'm actually working with these patients, I've come to see not only how rewarding it is to save someone's life, but to nurture that life, too.

#cookie speaks #dont mind me i'm just feeling really sappy #im really proud of what i was able to accomplish with that patient today #he's going home tomorrow and i really hope he's able to do the things we talked about #i truly love being able to help people this way #i want to be the kind of nurse that people remember #i want my patients to feel taken care of and cared for #i dont have a single maternal bone in my body and i never thought i was much of a caretaker #but this is genuinely such a rewarding experience #i dont care how hard nursing is when I get to have days like these #I know it won't be nearly as easy once I start nursing for real #ill have so much more responsibility #but for now I'm going to take advantage of my ability to sit and talk with my patients for hours at a time #i think even if they aren't psychiatric patients #everyone wants to be heard #having someone's undivided attention makes you feel good #especially in this day and age where people are constantly talking over each other and distracted by their phones and never really present #in a conversation #so I always try to give that to others #i love therapeutic communication lol #one of my favorite parts of nursing #anyway

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buckyarchives · 1 year

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we’re not really strangers | S. Stan [1.]

summary: a broken and washed up writer keeps showing up in Sebastian life as he struggles with his own loneliness. two people in two different world, but the tug is so intense it begins to eat Sebastian raw. he has to learn to love full heartedly and you need to learn to trust again after you got cheated out of your entire life.

word count : 4.9k

warnings: topics of depression, brief mentions of sewerslide, body dysmorphia

author note: i’ve never wrote an rpf and i used to dislike them but i just read a really good one and i watched doll eyes so that started this. i’m basing sebastian’s character based off of psychoanalysis him over that past 4 years (i can’t help it i’m sorry) and the couple of times i’ve met him. but i hope he’s not this depressed irl. take a place a before fresh and it’s mostly his pov. will probably be like 3-5 chapters. also wrote this in like 2 hours please be kind

masterlist | read on AO3

Sebastian stan likes blondes, he likes coffee after noon, working out, his mom, space and all its possibilities. He likes European countries yet he won't leave New York no matter how hard he thinks about it. He loves his family and friends. He likes when people tell him good job and are nice to him; even if it’s only because he's Sebastian Stan.

Sometimes he wonders if he really likes that last one or if he hates it, it depends on the day.

He will spend his days reading and talking with actors or directors, getting flowers for his girlfriend of the season. He doesn't read reviews about his movies. He’ll talk to his mom on the phone as often as he can, he works out almost every morning but he hates running. He stands in front of a mirror before going to bed, alone and vulnerable, picking apart everything he sees and wonders if everyone else sees it too. Probably.

But not tonight.

No, tonight he feels good - better. Recently casted for a new movie, a movie with a script and a director he feels confident about, which is always the best feeling. Last year was good for him, but this year needs to be better. Sebastian is tired and needs to get away from commercial movies and Marvel, but Bucky Barnes will always haunt over his shoulders like the way Carter Baizen did for so long.

And tonight is only the beginning. They haven't started filming yet, not close. Daisy is in the middle of filming and it's still early, too much workshopping and bonding as a team before that. Sebastian likes to know who he's working with, the director and their work ethic and past projects. The co-stars and their humor and if they can cry on command or not.

Mimi is a nice director. She's new and has fresh ideas - ha, that's a pun. She makes Sebastian laugh and not feel like a character even off-screen. Sebastian likes her curly hair.

She laughs and the air is cool, Sebastian can see her breath. “It was a nice day, I'm really looking forward to working with you.”

Sebastian is lonely and this feel like a nice way to segway to ‘i have to leave, goodnight.’

“Me too, and the script is just - wow.” Sebastian exaggerates his words to match his feelings, “it's deep.”

He wants to hold onto the conversation forever and drag it out until it's so awkward he has to grit his teeth. Sebastian doesn't want to go home now - but it's late, past midnight - and despite the rumors, New York does have to sleep sometimes. His stomach grumbles and he suddenly has the appetite of a teengers first hangover.

Mimi nods and thanks him and they continue to walk. Sebastian speaks up, “is it weird to say iI'mhungry and not tired.” he looks down at his watch again, it's almost 2 am.

And Mimi understands, she smiles. “Not weird, I agree. It might be the excitement for this project but – what are you hungry for?”

“Coffee, breakfast food,” Sebastian replies honestly.

The director smiles, Sebastian hopes there are no paparazzi - this looks like a date - no, it doesn’t but the press latch onto any woman he's seen with as a date.

“I know a perfect place, and it is empty,” she says. Sebastian is suspicious - it's late, he repeats in his head.

“This late?” his eyebrows quirked up.

“I know the owner,” she affirms. Sebastian nodded and they continued walking.

Mimi talks about the movie more, how she's close friends with the writer and coincidentally, she met her through the owner of the said cafe they'd soon find a safe haven in. Sebastian nods along to her words and listens, he hates the sound of his own voice sometimes. Listening is nice.

They reach a cafe-deli type. The sign says it is closed and no one is inside but the lights are on. Mimi had a grin on her face as she knocks on the door. Sebastian watched as you came from the back and unlocked the door, Mimi smiles and greets you excitedly but your face remains monotone - almost cold. Mimi takes no offense, this must be how you always are.

You don't take immediate notice of Sebastian, which is nice for once. Mimi talks about how starved she is and desperately needs an egg sandwich from you, Sebastian agrees in his head. You hold your head high and strong like you know better, but not in a snobby way. Sebastian can tell when someone is snobby pretty soon on, people like that end up surrounding him more often than not, unfortunately.

Sebastian's eyes are an icy blue that reminds you of the winter lakes back in the midwest. That’s the first thing you notice, Mimi acts like this is her home as she plops down at the bar. You still don't say anything. Sebastian wonders if you're a writer too, or maybe an actor. He doesn’t recognize you. Sebastian sits next to mimi, he feels weirdly comfortable despite how cold and empty the cafe is.

The sound of an espresso machine starts before Mimi can even order sometimes, she must go a lot and then a coffee is in front of her in no time. You finally turn to him, you're wearing lipgloss, and he notices way too quickly.

“Would you like a coffee, Sebastian?” you ask him plainly. He didn't tell you his name, neither did Mimi. You must know him then, it wouldn't be surprising but weirdly it did.

“Yeah, anything you have. And eggs - sunny side up if you can.” you don’t reply, nodding and your mouth is thin-lipped. Not a smile nor a frown. You leave in the back, Sebastian doesn’t realize his eyebrows were furrowed until Mimi says something.

“Don't worry, she's always like that. I promise she's not miserable or mean.” mimi says, gesturing to the cold demeanor that you carry. Sebastian wonders if Mimi has to explain this to everyone, or if you hate the Captain America movies and mimi just want to make it less awkward.

It's a comfortable silence for a while, aside from the city whispering from behind the glass windows and the sound of your cooking. Sebastian catches glimpses of your face and he can't help but think you're beautiful in a stone-cold, greek statue, model type way. He can imagine seeing your face in a famous painting from the renaissance time.

Maybe you caught him staring, or maybe it was just the cold demeanor again but he swore you glared at him.

“Cooks out - so it might not be as good as usual,” you say and place the food in front of them. Mimi grins and begins to eat. Sebastian pulls out his billfold to pay, he doesn't know you and feels a twang of guilt at the thought of keeping you up past closing time. He wants to pay extra.

You notice him before he can pull out any money, “it's on the house.”

Sebastian thinks of that as a sign that you don't hate him, and you're just monotone.

“Y/N helped Lauryn write the movie, specifically your character too.” Mimimumbled through cheese and bacon.

That’s the first time he's heard your name, Sebastian repeats it in his head so as to not forget.

You scoff and Sebastian thinks for a moment you're mad, you're not. “Helped? I practically gave her the entire idea. And I swear, Mimi if you don't use La jardin for the dance scene, I'll riot in front of your house.”

“You get so defensive every time, but whenever we ask to add you as co writers you say no.” Mimi snarks, shaking her head and smiling. “Mysterious, mysterious girl.”

“Can't say I imagined Sebastian Stan as Steve though, I was thinking more of Chris Pine.” you joke, Mimi knows you're joking but your flat tone makes Sebastian second guess if you are actually upset about it or not. “was he busy?”

Mimi laughs, good - a joke.

“Not even a second choice?” Sebastian smiles sheepishly, he hopes you were joking.

Sebastian thinks you're going to smile, and your lip twitches. You hum and it sounds as smooth as the coffee tastes, like honey. “Maybe third.”

Your eyes warm in his direction, the feeling in his chest is foreign.

“You’re a better critic than you are a casting director.” Mimi jokes again. Sebastian wonders how long you've been friends.

“a critic?” Sebastian perks up, critics are his worst enemy in life. No matter how much he can ignore them, one well-written article can make or break an entire year for him.

“Not actually, I just watch a lot of movies and have strong opinions.” your eyes land back on him.

“Harsh. Harsh opinions.” Mimi makes a point, and you roll your eyes and almost smile again. Almost. Sebastian wants to see you smile, what a weird thought for a stranger he’s only known for 20 minutes. You do make good eggs, but how do you fuck up eggs?

“Anything you recognize me from?'' Sebastian slaps on a cheeky smile, and maybe it's arrogant to think he knows the answer to that. But he is Sebastian Stan and you watch a lot of movies. You open your mouth to speak but Mimi interrupts again, not in an annoying way.

“Don't bruise his ego,” she warns.

How harsh could you be? Sebastian starts to regret asking about himself.

“Anyways, how could I not? I vividly remember seeing the covenant play in the hospital when my baby sister was born; a weird choice for hospital cinema.”

Sebastian's glad you don't mention Marvel or gossip girl, the covenant isn't any much better either though.

“That is very weird. Any critics?” Sebastian doesn't even know why he asked tt, he's going to regret it.

Mimi whispers an ‘oh boy’ under her breath and Sebastian feels like he needs to buckle down and brace himself. Even worse as your eyes scan him, judging him.

“I'm not here was your worst movie and you need to fire your agents or whoever told you that was a good idea.”

Oh?

“I thought it was a good script.”

You look at him as if he had three heads. Mimi looks scared.

“I can see the vision but the story tries too hard to be deep and pretentious - it settles on just being a cry fest and it doesn't even do that well. The main character is just a shitty person with a shitty life and the writing fails to make me feel bad for him, no matter how good you or J.K Simmons's acting was”

Sebastian hangs onto the small compliment hidden in there by his fingernails. You're not done yet.

“I, Tonya was really good. Marvel is… Marvel, same thing for gossip girl. The rest of your characters have been the same angry or toxic men trope over and over again, no offense, you need more range.”

That hurt a lot less than Sebastian expected. He feels speechless, mimi is still eating and is silent. Sebastian isn't hungry anymore and your cold eyes are stripping him down naked. He still thinks you're beautiful.

“Do you like anything I've been in?” why does he keep asking questions he knows he won't like?

You think for a moment, look him dead in the eye, and smile. And even if it's meant to be snarky or sarcastic, Sebastian thinks it's beautiful and warm. Warmer than the coffee in his hands. It reaches your eyes and crinkles at the end and he knows it's genuine, it utterly stuns him and he almost thinks he missed your response.

“Once upon a time.”

Sebastian can’t help but smile at that, “give me one complaint so you don't send me home with a broken heart.” he bargains, half joking with small doubt it won't be back handed.

“I have controversial opinions on superhero movies and the people that play them, but you portray Bucky Barnes really well.'' You say quietly like you're scared of being nice, Sebastian takes it and he doesn't notice he's grinning with a light in his eyes. You don't either, mimi does - she is already texting Lauryn about it.

“I don't like to comment on people's acting abilities because I'm not an actor, but I can tell when someone is good or bad.”

Sebastian narrows his eyes at you. “You sure do comment on people's writing and directing though, you're a writer?”

Your eyes are cold again and your back straightens, even Mimi tenses and Sebastian wonders if he said something wrong. He gets no reply from you, and Sebastian sees a mask fall from your face - one he didn't notice you were wearing until now.

“No, I'm not.” your voice is monotone again. When did it have feelings? Sebastian doesn't remember when you started to sound humane and passionate, he said something wrong.

Mimi rushes the rest of her food in her mouth and reads the room as you retreat behind to the kitchen again, so quickly and quietly Sebastian almost doesn't notice.

“It's now late-late, I'm heading home.” Mimi sighs, heavily implying he needs to leave too. Sebastian agrees.

He glances back at you once more when Mimi yells goodbye, you don't look at Sebastian.

Sebastian prepares for the movie, he doesn’t think about you or the cafe for two weeks. He goes on a date and he doesn’t call her back.

his house is suffocating, it’s too big for him and he knows it. women and friends stay over but it feels empty. He needs air - paparazzi - he groans. suck it up, Sebastian. put on a coat and find a place to eat, he chooses a blue sweatshirt and sunglasses.

Every time he goes out he thinks maybe no one will recognize him. He's always wrong. He should know better.

aimlessly he walks. Sebastian knows the streets of New York like the back of his hand. He feels lost despite the fact he’s walked down this street many times, so much changed anyways.

Jones' place.

he remembers the place from a few weeks ago, remembers you and your cold face. Sebastian remembers you smiling and him feeling giddy about it, but now he can’t imagine it in his head. Sebastian had said something wrong, he remembers that. He wishes he got your number.

you knew him and you didn’t dance around him like a celebrity - when did the person get erased and celebrity scribbled in its place? you were normal and not on vogue or GQ and you talked to him like he wasn’t either.

in a daze, he walks in and sits down. it’s open this time, and a group of teenagers sits at a booth in the corner. an elderly man sits alone at a table, Sebastian wonders if he’s married, and if she passed and that’s where they used to sit together. maybe you’d know.

but he doesn’t see you at first. tapping his finger on the bar - you appear and you don’t look at him, don’t notice him. walking straight past him and giving a chocolate croissant to the elderly man, maybe you did see him and are just insanely good at covering it up, you don’t smile at the man but your features lighten.

you turn back around and your eyes hit Sebastian dead center like you knew he was there because Sebastian was right.

“same as last time?” you ask, of course you’d remember his order. it was simple and that was your job.

Sebastian nods, “no egg, just coffee.”

“It's not on the house this time!” you yell as you disappear into the back.

Sebastian smiles for some reason.

Daisy Edgar-Jones' accent makes Sebastian feel weirdly at home despite the fact he’s not from England and has never found any sense of comfort there.

Sebastian bites the inside of his cheek as he listens to Mimi speak about the movie, he dozed off, to be honest. the writers and producer speak over each other in the zoom call. Daisy is still in England and they start filming in two weeks. Sebastian is excited - the type of excitement that you mix with anxiety because it also makes you want to throw up.

Your name is mentioned briefly and Sebastian is paying attention now. Lauryn dances around the fact you practically wrote the whole script - why don’t you take credit? Lauryn is an extroverted woman who smiles a lot and tries to make everyone as comfortable as possible, the same with Mimi.

It makes no sense. Why are you so distant and monotone?

Sebastian opens Instagram for the first time in a week. He realized recently most social media was bullshit, he was turning 40 this year, and there are more important things to focus on.

search history.

(imsebastianstan) y/n l/n writer

(imsebastianstan) y/n l/n

(imsebastianstan) sundance film fest

(imsebastianstan) daisyedgarjones

(imsebastianstan) mjonf

Sebastian has been acting since a kid, he took a break between then and his first real job but he's been surrounded by film and cameras most of his life. Being in front of a camera should come naturally to him. Maybe it's just a mid-life crisis thing but he feels like he wants to throw up.

Coming back from some stupid junket, he doesn't remember when the feeling of needing to hurl settled in his stomach but even hours after, it hasn't left. Sebastian wonders how many people know that he paces in his room before filming, he'll anxiously bite on his nails and look in the mirror and wonder if he should have skipped that meal earlier.

Home feels foreign now. He misses his mom and he can't seem to find time to go see her. His stomach feels empty - it is empty. He's only had a salad today.

Sebastian wants to flee, where it's private and warm. His steps carried him through the city, maybe he should call that girl back? He doesn't want to be lonely tonight.

Suddenly, he feels the presence of cameras snapping pictures of his panic attacks across the street. It's like a sixth sense now, he hates it. Sometimes when his day will blur and depression hits, he'll see the photos of himself later not recognize the person on his phone. Or he'll just hate what he sees.

He doesn’t want to have to do that routine again tomorrow morning.

Then he remembers you, remembers the street he's on. and then before he can realize his breath is already suffocating him and your cafe is in front of him. It's closed but the lights are on - why is he here? Why is he knocking on the door?

Your face is concerned when you open it, Sebastian's chest feels heavy, can you tell? You must have, you must be familiar with the look of despair, panic, and the intense feelings of doom, because you let him in with no word.

Sebastian's staring again as you make him the same coffees he's ordered twice now. You're nice but guarded, Sebastian wonders if you'll ever let it down. Because he is now. Your hair is tied up and your full face is in view, no muscles move and you look just as monotone and bored as before. You look like statues, beautiful statues. Like your cheekbones and exposed collarbone were sculpted with stone or clay. Your lips are plump, you're not smiling - not frowning. You remind him of the Mona Lisa.

Embarrassment washed over him when he jolted like a paranoid creep as you set his coffee down. Sebastian mumbled a sorry under his breath and you don't say anything still, why haven't you said anything?

A laptop and cup of tea are set in front of the seat next to him, a google doc is open and he sees a script. He’ll feel guilty about it later but his neck cranes to see what is written. Sebastian barely reads a line before the laptop closes with a slam, you're looking at him with a glare, and he flinches again.

“You're nosy.” you say, making your way to sitting next to him now, sipping on the tea and staring off into space.

“Thought you said you weren't a writer?” Sebastian feels like he's going into tricky territory, scratch that - he knows he is.

Mumbled through your lips, “I'm not.”

You sound haunted, Sebastian wants to know why.

Maybe he is nosy.

Sebastian needs to keep talking or else his anxiety will eat him raw, he’ll choke on his thoughts and die in the middle of your cafe. Then he'd feel really bad. At least he doesn't feel lonely, a ghost of a person sits next to him yet he feels more comfortable than in a room full of people. How odd.

“You're not going to ask why I knocked on your door at 11 pm? Or do you just let any stranger in at night?” he tries to joke, but it comes out half-hearted like most things.

“You looked like you were going to die, I'm not going to be responsible for Sebastian stan's death,” you say, scrolling through your phone. Twitter. “I'm sure some 16 year old would dox me or something.”

Sebastian laughs, slowly picking up on your dry humor, but he knows you're unfortunately right.

“How'd you meet Lauryn?” Sebastian asks, clawing at your guarded walls as he also tries to calm himself down. He doesn't even remember why he was panicking earlier.

“A film festival in Greece, 2009 - I think,” you answer honestly, sipping your coffee again. Sebastian notices the rings on your fingers.

Sebastian wants to ask how you got into films - he feels like that's the wrong thing to say again. He doesn't want you to drive him out again, hoping to get your number before he leaves.

The iPhone in his pocket dings, it's Ellie, his date from a few days ago. She's asking if he wants to come over with a winky face, that her bed feels cold and Sebastian wants to throw up again.

“Girlfriend?” you ask, side-eyeing his phone.

“No, I don't have time for that right now.” part lie, not his girlfriend but somehow he always finds time to date. Sometimes he hates himself for it because he always loves half heartedly. He never liked commitment anyways. “You?”

“No,” you say plainly. Changing the subject at an uncharacteristic rate, “why have you so shaken up at such a time?”

Sebastian wonders if he should lie and make up some stereotypical actor excuse, or just say he doesn't know. Avoid the topic that he’s spent the past 3 weeks with new people every day but he still feels lonely. That he wants to crumble in front of any camera. That he's tired of picking himself apart.

But you sit there so mysteriously and Sebastian wants to know you too. Maybe if he gets vulnerable you'd feel okay doing the same, he tries to avoid the thought of expecting that from you, because he shouldn't. This will be an olive branch.

“I feel lonely.” he starts. “I don’t want to be home right now, so I went for a walk, and then the paps -“

he cuts himself off before he turns into word vomit. you're sitting next to him, not looking at his face. Sebastian wants you to look at him.

“you live in the city?”

“Rockland county.”

you hum, “far way to go for a walk.”

“I know.”

a moment of silence, Sebastian wants to cry for some reason. “Are you going to that girl's house?”

Sebastian's eyebrows furrow for a second, you're referring to the text. you were just as nosy as him it seems. and maybe he could go to her house, either it would destroy him or he’d feel a little better. she’d probably ask him about the new movie, flirt, and have sex, she’d talk to him like a character and he’d go home. He doesn't want to go home.

“no.” Sebastian almost whispers, “I'm not sure where I'm going.”

he was so lost, it’s pathetic.

you look at him for once you don’t look frozen. Sebastian wants to know what’s going on behind your eyes. you’re thinking, that’s obvious enough. eyes scanning him up and down he feels vulnerable. it’s unfair how much he doesn't know about you.

“I have a spare room if you're desperate.” you offer. an olive branch. Sebastian feels like choking.

He also feels guilty, because he doesn't know you and you’ve already made him coffee for free when you didn’t need to. “no, you don’t have-“

“You feel so small and tiny in a big house like that, it’s like living with a ghost when you are lonely, right? it feels taunting, even." You speak honestly, speaking from experience, you’ve been where Sebastian has. He still feels like crying but now he understands, the loneliness slowly drains from his body without realizing it.

“okay.” he whispers, almost scared to accept.

this is you being vulnerable, he soon realizes as you tell him you’ll finish closing up - living only across the alleyway in the back. you're being vulnerable by sharing a space, we’re he’ll see you raw and open.

and he saw it. old coffee mugs and everywhere the matching stains in the wood. a sweatshirt is thrown over your couch. a record playing with 80s goth music. bright orange bottles of pills. Banksy prints are nailed on the wall. books on screenwriting stacked on the coffee table. a cut-off and discarded hospital bracelet on the counter.

Sebastian asks about the vinyl, but he doesn’t bring up the empty Xanax bottles or the bracelet. you're glad.

The apartment is small and he feels warm. it’s foreign and strange - but it’s the most comfortable he’s felt in at least a week. you show him the extra bedroom, the beds made and it's mostly empty. a side table with a lamb and a wall full of shelves. books and movie scripts fill it, he sees an oscar award hidden and dusty behind a copy of pride and prejudice.

the front room is filled with warm lights, it’s settled the fog in his brain and he feels better You're sitting on a green couch that you found on the Facebook market place and he thinks you’re beautiful. Sebastian sits next to you and understanding is shared between you two, what it is? he’s not sure. but he feels safe and understood and he doesn’t want to leave.

Sebastian is not tired and neither are you, your leaning intoSebastian'sn touch and he doesn’t question why.

“thank you.” is all he can think to say.

“don’t, not yet.” you sound tortured and Sebastian can’t stop the word from leaving his mouth. he just has to know.

“what broke you?”

too much. everything. nothing at all. a man. my talent and my desire to be my loved, you think. a shaky exhale leaves your mouth and Sebastian thinks he carry your sorrows if you’d just smile at him again.

“I don’t know.” you settle on and Sebastian understands.

Sebastian's hand grazed above your arm, you don’t flinch out of his touch. your warm and soft and he melts. he wants to ask you why you have an Oscar, if it’s yours and why you were at the hospital 2 days ago and why you're chasing him with a stone-cold face

the extra bedroom goes unused and his limbs are warm and feel perfect against yours. the warm lights lull him to sleep, your breath is steady and Sebastian realized you smile in your sleep and he hopes it’s because he’s caressed your back as you dazed off. Sebastian wraps a blanket around the two of you.

now don’t get anything incorrect. Sebastian stan doesn’t believe in love at first sight, sometimes he wonders if he even believes in love at all because sometimes it feels impossible to love. his mother and father taught him commitments are lies and his partners convinced him of that. he loves his friends - he thinks - but they always come and go. they never knew him anyways.

but as the sun hits his face and he feels the blanket around him on your couch. Faye Webster is spinning on the record playing softly and you’re swaying your hips in the kitchen. you don’t realize he’s awake and your mask falls down. your cooking something and humming along, a thin-lipped smile on your face.

Sebastian doesn’t know you but at this moment he does. he feels normal and like he’s known you his entire life. it’s scary and he feels oncoming doom but he lets himself be and watches.

you seemed more alive this morning as you gave him toast. he didn’t ask for it but it was the best toast he has had in a while. Sebastian asks if you slept on the couch all night, you smiled and he almost dropped dead. no reply but that was enough. he danced with you in the kitchen, it was weird and domestic and Sebastian is looking at you like he’s in love.

but he’s not. and neither are you. The fog settles and you say goodbye and open the shop. Sebastian goes home and he never got your number.

and he has to leave tomorrow for Canada and go back to his life.

Sebastian doesn’t talk to you for another week.

#sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan rpf #seb stan #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x ofc #sebastian stan x you #actor rpf

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mhateesyoux · 7 months

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ONLY FRIENDS EP 6

whoo! Okay where to begin… I want to say this was the best episode yet!!

I want to start with Mew. Dude, i kid y’all not, I seriously was hating him so much this episode for obvious reasons. Not only cause I definitely fell for him saying, “screw him (ray) I have you now” the punch and him being completely oblivious to Top’s disgustingness. However, y’all that DAMN PLOT TWIST?!! I was GAGGED! I probably looked so stupid with my jaw on the floor! I can’t believe I was really falling for him being an idiot and then boom! He fucking lays it out on Top & us!! That’s the craziest plot twist I’ve ever seen!! Crazy good! I’m glad he let Top have it. He was soooo crazy for that but damn I just, I was in utter shock!

Nick, baby… I’m not gonna tell you again, you deserve better!!! I now see where he gets it from. Ton is just like his low of a man father. No wonder he thinks it’s okay to mess around. Nick you’re gonna fuck around and find out. How ironic of Ton to dislike ppl recording him without his consent when he does it to his friends LOL

Ray & Sand: PAIN

no fr, I literally had tears in my eyes. How dare you call him a whore!!! My heart is broken for them. Sand had a master plan and not only did it work but those intentions are questionable but he’s still my favorite. He’s the definition of I will not let my feelings get the best of me and I give no fucks. The fact that he cares for Ray but chose to accept that he’s in love with Mew and still decided to tell him about the recording… idk man so many emotions. Ray, I hurt for him I really do. I kept finding myself say, “what tf are you doing omg!!” But, I like that he told everyone their shit. He’s always made out to be this lonely depressed alcoholic when he’s honestly a good friend!! I mean he told Mew about the recording, maybe we know the intentions behind it but he still told him. I hate how their always making it seem like he can’t get someone to love. Maybe it’s his choice not to date? Idk but him going off on his friends was lowkey satisfying. I just hate how he treated sand. This was a whole ass mess of an episode but soooo soooo good!! I could feel the angst from the beginning. I swear it’s only getting better!!

Next weeks episode,

Sand if you don’t… I swear this man is too up in his heart. I would not be there had that been me lmao but i get it. I just want to see him be nothing but a friend to ray from now on, at least till we get an apology. I know ray was high and drunk but that’s when you speak truth. It just hurt me seeing them like that. Lowkey think sand deserves better but I know they belong together.

Topmew, damn… is he about to change completely? That popping out of the tub moment?! WTFFFF he’s about to be a little bitch in the best way possible and I’m ready to see it. I switched up on him cause I was disliking him so much this episode I swear with how he was being towards ray but that twist in the end made me realize, oh shit he’s not an idiot!!! Idk man Top ain’t got no chance now. He ain’t gonna be fooled twice!

Tonnick, ummm…. I kinda forgot what they’re gonna do next Ep not gonna lie, oops. All i know, Nick is stupid but i can’t hate him yet!! Ton, fuck you.

THE LESBIANS OMG i almost forgot. I’m so happy we got a little bit of gl this episode! We need more of them pls. That was a nice breath of fresh air.

This show is so fucking good.

#only friends #firstkhao #forcebook #neomark

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fridayyy-13th · 1 year

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haven't been keeping up with the @a-mag-a-day relisten at all but i decided to join in for MAG 170 bc <3 martin <3

THE CLOCK IN THE BACKGROUND...the slightly uneven ticking just droning on and disrupting the silence. that and the uncomfortable chairs, like the place is just designed so that you can never be comfortable in your solitude

the memories just slipping from martin like water through his fingers,,,,

augh the fact he still remembers jon, even if it's just an early impression of him. and "i like him. he doesn't like me though, not really. i don't blame him. i don't like me sometimes, and i am me." :(((((((

and the fact when he recalls jon he starts to realize he's not supposed to be there! even when jon's not there he still anchors him to the real world!! i absolutely love that they both keep each other grounded to themselves, tethering them to the versions of themselves that aren't fear-touched. martin is jon's anchor, and jon is martin's.

when he recalls jon's name...absolutely kills me every time. alongside that, his admission of "i need you, jon," just! thinking about that and "but we need you. i need you." thinking about anchors again aaaagh

"sometimes i wonder if i forget things on purpose." this whole bit, the feeling that it's somehow your own fault for forgetting things, even when you're trying not to. hate how much of a mood that is

sasha...not!sasha..."telling me that there's- there's nobody else. i'm alone. the only people who could ever stand to be around me are gone. even from my mind." fuuuuUCK OUCH

"you could give it a little, little bit of that funky lo-fi goodness! all the cool poets love a bit of tape hiss, right?" i love him. i love you martin blackwood

"why. the eye has won. it can already see everything, it wouldn't need a-" ough. this reminds me of mag 162, a bit. been a long time since i've listened to it, though.

"martin. it feels like a small name. one that wants to be warm and happy." MAN. half of this post is just me yelling about particular lines i like lol

"and honestly? i- i can't think of anyone in the world who would care if i lived or died." I CAN, MARTIN, AND HE'S LOOKING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW :(

the entire next bit. the parallels between the lonely and depression,,,hhhgh,,,

i swear, "i am martin blackwood, and i am not lonely anymore" kills me every time. because he isn't lonely anymore!! he has friends!!! he's in love!!! he's so much stronger than the lonely's grip on him, and everyone who cares about him reminds him of that strength.

jon's immediate response of "no, never" after martin says he was worried jon had left him behind...just. chef's kiss.

"it's the lonely, jon. it's me." "not anymore." "no. no, not anymore." GOOD EPISODE.

#friday chats #the magnus archives #mag 170 #martin blackwood #this is in no way me doing serious media analysis i'm just yelling about my blorbo #it's an entire episode dedicated to his character and thought processes and how he interacts with the lonely #and it's just. so good. one of my favorite episodes by far.#yes i know i'm posting this at 9pm shut up it's still the 10th

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magnus-sm-writes · 1 month

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My Writing Journey: Early Adulthood!

I could title spring of 2020 “A Spring and a Miss”, because it was. My only high school class, band, was online, and it was honestly a disaster. I ended up skipping most of it to work at Subway (because I am a responsible adult like that). I was used to the online college classes; that was what I started out on.

What I did not expect was how this would impact my writing.

In February, I had rewritten Hamish and gotten some of the “dark academic” vibes I was shooting for. (In reality, it was always meant to be a gothic horror, but I did not know that yet.) I was so excited to write something else in my Shakespeare universe. My choice was Midway Through Summer’s Bullshit, a rewriting of the beloved A Midsummer’s Night Dream.

However, when the world shut down in March, I realized that I was too incredibly lonely writing a book with so much socialization in it. It depressed me. So I switched things up, for my own health. I rewrote Lessons in Humanity as a way to mentally prepare myself for university. It really felt like I was going places with it. I even had my wonderful, amazing friend Alex beta read it for me. (And even drew fan art for me like how fucking sweet are they?)

I was tired of rewrites, though, and I wanted to write something new. Something fresh. So I decided to write something that has both haunted and intrigued me since: Stuck Together.

Stuck Together is my historical fiction crackfic where William Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe a.) live in modern times, b.) are writeblr/writetube/writestagram famous authors, and c.) get stuck together in Edgar’s apartment during the COVID pandemic.

It is a ridiculous novel, which I wholeheartedly acknowledge. I have never rewritten it, and I reread it once a year. I am not kidding when I say I love and hate this stupid novel in equal parts. It is so ridiculous, so utterly stupid, that I am unable to form a coherent thought on it. I cringe when I think of it; I adore it; I want to burn all traces of it from the internet; I want to fix it.

(Someone please give me your thoughts on this because this shit is ridiculous and I love it.)

Then I went to my dream university for Creative Writing. It really was a dream come true; Ohio Northern’s campus is a magical place in the autumn. My professors were all incredible, and I have nothing but praise for ONU’s English department. I’m still in contact with several of my professors four years later!

I was at a weird place, creatively. I wanted to rewrite Jeez Take the Wheel, but things just… weren’t meshing. Nothing was working for me. I wondered if something was wrong. (I also broke my foot, but honestly, that should have given me more time to write.)

This was also the time I discovered I’m trans! It was October of 2020 when Morgan was no more, and Magnus came into being. I’d never felt more like myself than then, even though my writing was still not where I wanted it to be. As I settled into my identity, though, I became more confident in myself, and my writing also began to come easier.

There was also the matter of my senior capstone. You see, with all my community college credits, I was actually in my junior year of university. I had to come up with something to write next year for my Advanced Fiction Writing class (which would be the class I would do my capstone for). It had to be around 20,000 words at most, and a finished story. None of my projects could fit that.

I decided to try a resurrection story. Something about my own transness, identity, and disconnection from the world. I began to brainstorm a story about a man who came back from the dead without his memories and was expected to pick back up where he left off.

This story became Body, my novelette. Body is to me now what Lessons in Humanity was in my teenage years. It is a marker of a huge shift in my writing. I went from someone who turned my nose up at fantasy to someone who was now writing within the realms of fantasy. Technically, Body falls beneath the speculative fiction umbrella. I’d place it in the Weird genre, personally, but it doesn’t really matter. It is more speculative than literary fiction, which was huge for me.

With Body, I was taking a chance to really write something my own. I wrote in second person (my favorite tense ever). It was a braided narrative, weaving past and present together. It was a story about grief, and love, and hope, all at once. It was what I needed. When I think of Body, I think of how much of my soul I poured into it. Body is an incredibly special work to me because of that. It helped me understand myself in a time where I was just starting to be me.

This is going to sound like a sidebar, but it’s not. I promise.

My professor Dr. Pullen kept telling me in her critiques of my stories that it seemed like I was meant to be a fantasy writer, but was holding back. I, being the snob I was, refused to do anything more than give the barest hint of fantasy in anything I wrote. There was no way I was a fantasy writer; I was a man of literary fiction and contemporary settings.

That is, until Dungeons & Dragons changed everything.

My D&D group would meet anywhere from twice to four times a week. I am not kidding; that is how obsessed we were. I was obsessed. My best friend Jenny, our DM, was also obsessed. I joined another D&D group, as well, where I met some really amazing frat guys who accepted me as a man (!!!). I kept making backup characters just in case. Eventually, all these backup characters began to pile up. I needed something to do with them.

I’m stubborn. I can admit this. But I finally, finally decided to start writing fantasy once I finished Body, in part so I could get my character Hiprax’s character arc out of my head.

It quickly snowballed from there.

I also began to get a lot more serious about poetry. I read every single online copy of Warsan Shire’s poems I could get my hands on, consuming her words like I was starving. Poetry was how I dealt with my trauma, and dare I say, I dealt with it well. So well that I actually ended up in Polaris, my university’s literary magazine, with my poem “Mince Meat Pie”. I was elated. I was finally a published author!

Not only that, but Dr. Pullen made us submit work to literary magazines for class. (Other than Polaris, of course, but she encouraged us to submit to it as well.) I was rejected from all others. It wasn’t really the point for me, though; the point was that I did the damn thing. I did what scared me so badly I almost got sick the first time I submitted something. And I was accepted.

I couldn’t even dream of doing this in 2020. It was nuts!

I also took a class on witches (taught by Dr. Pullen, duh), wherein my final project was actually a snippet of a vampire novel involving blood magic that I call Night Bite. The worldbuilding I began in that novel was actually the basis for my fantasy world Uuve.

Once I left university, my writing just kept getting weirder and weirder.

#magnus talks #my writing journey #writers on tumblr #on writing #magnus' golden birthday celebration

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trinkerichi · 11 months

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I had a LONG call with friends last night about writing and inspirations! So today I was thinking about sharing some of the media that's inspired my comic in some way.

Rocket Chip isn't necessarily something I'd write FOR kids, but it's not an adult series either. I guess it's something im retroactively writing for my kid self if that makes sense? It's meant to have the feeling of a simple kid's story even when it's dealing with heavier emotions, because that's honestly how I like it best! Even now with my much wider grasp of film and media as an art form, there's something about old cartoons that can Really capture this specific weird lonely tone that just sticks in your head.. Something about the inherent uncanny feeling that animation has, maybe?

Anyway:

youtube

Chip was named after this character! This clip was meant to teach kids about personal computers in the 80's when they were BRAND NEW as a concept. And it was never officially distributed until the 2000's.

I think some AI enthusiasts could stand to watch this actually. But entirely from a narrative perspective, this song has an oddly eerie tone, doesn't it? Mostly because of this computer character's voice actor and the music. The more he insists that he can't feel pain or emotions, the more tension the music builds up! The more emotion he seems to have in his voice!! And then brings it all back down so simply. It's a really interesting little short.

youtube

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars is a fever dream of a movie and frankly the whole thing has that slightly unsettling lonely mood to it that I was talking about. Helped by the fact that the book series it was based on is pretty dark in its own right. Both the books and movies are themed around household objects facing the fact that they're disposable. Planned obsolescence and all that, though this movie doesn't exactly have anything profound to say about it, it's just kinda brought up.

BUT this was always my favorite part as a kid. They're just a buncha happy balloons! Floating in space! Forever! They were made to bring you a moment of happiness and then there they go. As a kid I definitely didn't understand the woodstock references, so I'd assumed the purple balloon was talking about the balloons themselves when he said "We feel you can't relive a one-time thing".

Y'know, with how fixated I was on concepts like this, it's surprising in retrospect that I never really cared about the toy story movies very much. huh.. anyway

UNICO in the Island of Magic is a beautiful movie that I highly recommend watching if you haven't. It's my favorite Tezuka property by far. It reminds me a lot of "The Last Unicorn" in how morose it feels. Unico is a creature that was born with the power to make everyone happy, but is hated for it. Every time he makes a friend he's taken away to a new place and his memories are erased. Unico is presumably doomed to this cycle for his entire life and there's no resolution in sight. It's TERRIBLY DEPRESSING and yet there's still hope in it somehow. Unico still pushes himself to help even the most broken of people because he knows happiness and friendship are what he's meant to bring to the world. But it's something he can never have for himself.

It's done in a cheesy friendship speech way of course, but it's still impactful.

This clip of the ending always gets me. Though id recommend you watch the whole movie for the context, if you don't care or have already seen it, this is my favorite part.

youtube

I've got more examples but I'm tired of typing =v= later though!

#long post #trinket rambles #im writing essays again! dont mind me #Youtube

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technically-uh · 1 year

Text

-TAEHYUNG'S first kiss

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summary: introverted taehyung has his first kiss with extroverted reader!

triggers: introverted taehyung feeling excluded, sad and lonely. oh, and one kiss.

genre: angst and fluff

a/n: ahahHA this is just how i feel during parties and stuff. my extroverted friends must be crying rn. and i like, wanted to like. just start my year with a nice fic about a first kiss. idk.

taehyung really hates you right now (not really). of course this happens. of course you drag him to this stupid party, convincing him that it's gonna be fun and he believes you and shares your enthusiasm and follows you to the party, even though he knows he's cripplingly introverted and knows that he'll hate it. and of course you saunter away, being the extrovert you are, and he can't even say anything because he wants you to fully enjoy and not be anchored to him and only him. and so he ends up awkward, all alone.

taehyung rolls his eyes as he gets up from the couch. he keeps his hands in his pockets as he steps out of the house. it is a very cold night. he isn't informing you that he's leaving, but you seemed busy and he didn't wanna interrupt you when you were having fun with your friends. not that he was mad at you or jealous of you or something, but he was just genuinely awkward, and didn't want to be a burden. or a bother.

he takes out his phone and texts you as he walks away from the music and the lights. he rubs his hands together and breathes out slowly in the freezing cold. and he hears your voice.

"taehyung!"

he turns back and looks at you. you're running towards him, gasping for breath. you don't really have that cheerfulness that you always do. you seem confused. upset. "where are you going?" you ask him.

"erm," he says, guiltily. "um. home."

you stare at him and look at your watch. "but it isn't even 8," you tell him as he grins and ruffles his hair awkwardly.

"yeah, well," he says honestly, "i'm not really having fun here." it's depressing. i just wanna go home.

you pout, disappointed. "oh," you mumble quietly. you look down at your feet. "i'm sorry," you apologize guiltily. "i should've spent more time with you-"

"no, no!" he says quickly. "not at all." he looks down too. "i, um, i understand. it's fine. you don't have to be tethered to me. i just don't enjoy.. these sorta parties." he grins at you comfortingly. "i'll be fine, though, don't worry!" he says. you smile at him.

"but- but-" you say hastily, still directing your gaze to your feet, "that's not the only reason i feel sad that you're leaving."

oh. "what's the other reason?" he asks, curious. you finally look at him, lockyour eyes with his, and take a deep breath. you smile at him as you lean in and plant a kiss on his soft, pink lips.

when you lean back, taehyung is absolutely surprised. you chuckle at him as he's frozen in shock, his face pink and lips slightly parted. "this is what i wanted to do," you say softly.

you hear someone calling your name and realize you need to go back. you really don't wanna leave him, especially not now, but you just know it's what you need to do. you lean in towards him again and whisper, "see you soon. very soon." and you run back to the house.

and taehyung's just standing there, in the cold, feeling warm.

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pic from v's instagram account: @thv. very obviously lol

hope you liked reading this :D

#bts #bts fanfic #bts imagines #taehyung x reader #kim taehyung #introverted v #bts v #bts!

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