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#i can also feel my mindset shifting when i start getting high like everything that felt horrible and overwhelming moments ago

charmedreincarnation · 5 days

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Heyy, I'm new on tumblr, even though I've been reading void blogs and success stories from chrome over the past few months but this is my first time actually getting tumblr. I've asked this to other bloggers but nobody seemed to reply, maybe they're on break but I don't really know since I'm new here. So I tried the secret subject sleep trigger and after it was over I woke up (as the person in the hypnosis directed me to) and laid on my bed absolutely motionless for about 15 minutes, my legs got sore since they were suspended from from the bed (the bed is a bit small) so I folded my legs while keeping my position same, then I remembered that I saw in a video about astral projection that you can visualize you have a rope hanging above you and feel that you're holding onto that rope and pulling yourself, so I did and it felt like I was actually pulling myself up and finally it felt like my legs were pulled up and once it happened, the thing I experienced after this was mind blowing, I WAS BLOWN. My earphones were still attached but there was no audio playing (since the sleep trigger hypnosis had already ended and my internet wasn't on) but I heard music for a very short while and after that I heard the audio which I previously heard in the mind awake body asleep binarual beats audio by phase evolution and some high pitched sounds occasionally, even tho anything wasn't playing. It felt like I was aggressively being pulled up and thrown down and my skin was being stretched vigorously and it also felt like my body was being tensed up and then back to normal and while this was happening I affirmed for the void, affirmations like 'I am in the void state rn' 'I always wake up in the void' 'Why do I always wake up in the void' such and such. After a while of this everything started to calm down so I thought I was in the void but as things started to calm down I could again slowly hear the background noises (like my mother talking and trees rustling) and again I was feeling how I felt when I laid motionless previously and then eventually my mother woke me up (even though I wasn't really asleep this whole time). I'm writing this long asf paragraph to ask you what actually happened when I experienced that because I am absolutely clueless, where I went wrong because I eventually couldn't enter the void and how I can improve or what I can do to succeed the next time (I'll be trying again tonight).

(I've asked this to quite a few bloggers but got no reply and I don't know if they're on break or if my question got sent)

Love youu and have a great day ahead 💕

There is a whole range of sleep states that negate out-of-body experiences and beyond, from MABA to the void and experiences in between like SATs, hypnagogia, sleep paralysis, the trance state, and etc. I can't tell you what was happening because I'm not you, and even if it was happening to me, I can't tell if I would know what was happening even if it was happening to me.

For everyone, it's very much a learning experience; there are still things that happen to me where I need to do research because it's very new! My mindset is just to affirm and hope for the best because even if it's not something you're aware of, it doesn't mean it can't help or you failed.

Just assume every new experience is an opportunity opening and just take it even if you don’t know what it is because there are things that happened to me in 2020 that I now realize, "Oh, I almost shifted. Oh, that was the void state. Oh, I was astral projecting," now in 2024. There’s a lot of potential in the the unknown and in the realm of OBEs it will benefit you to just assume the best and affirm lol I promise it will take you far

#law of assumption #manifesation #my asks

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farieshades · 2 years

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Fuck John Winchester.

Think that clues you into the fandom this question belongs to.

(By this point I was staring into space wondering whether I should ask all my supernatural questions in this ask or just do individual asks. But I forgot most of my questions so you get the original question)

What do you think about Dean's charactersion?

Dean’s got a lot of things going for him. He’s got older-sibling syndrome and is feeling it in his bones at this point. I mean, what, he was 5 when he started learning to hunt? Learning that his brother needed to stay safe and that he was in charge? I mean, his childhood wasn’t easy, his first solo hunt was at 17 years old, a gift from his old man.

Great way to go, John, wooo we love that for you, perfect gift 👌

Really, he drew the short end of the stick. The brother he loves more than anything (and is literally willing to die multiple times for) is seemingly destined for a path of darkness, his ‘uncle’ Bobby becomes a target for those after him and Sam, his friends die in horrific ways, one dying to save Sam who didn’t even like him. I’d call it a hero-complex, but its really just the older-sibling syndrome that makes him feel responsible for practically all the ‘kids’ he adopts into the family (Charlie, Jo, Claire).

He sums up his childhood well with Mary I do believe, saying he had never been a child, was never given the chance for it. Like I mentioned, he’s been trained to fight since a very young age, and he’s a fighter of the two brothers. Not that Sam doesn’t fight, and not that Dean doesn’t do the research portion, but the two are seemingly set in the role of Fighter(Campbell/Hunter)Dean, Researcher(Winchester/Man of Letters)Sam for a lot of the, er, background shenanigans that fill episodes (My mind goes to the wonderful, near catch-phrase “So get this” we hear innumerable times from Sam).

But let's look at his behaviour rather than his existence. Dean can be highly judgmental and bigoted, especially when on a hunt to a point of being hypocritical (Benny). For much of his arc he has a hard time getting behind the fact that there are monsters who don’t really go out of their way to hurt humans, some that even actively try not to, but they’re all just monsters to him. I think this could be best seen with Season 4 and the, errrr, Demon-blood arc Sam goes through (in fairness, Sam is quite consistently high on demon-blood through the season so a bit of leeway I suppose).

Dean also is highly manipulative, something he learnt from his father in my mind. Like, there are two deans, one where you can see the Caretaker role that was pushed upon him by John, and then the Fighter that John made him to be. This manipulation, however, is seen more and more as seasons progress, through outright lies to flipping truths and just not giving necessary information at times.

Dean has repeatedly made it clear and obvious that Sam is and always will be the priority, no matter what, especially in later seasons. In earlier seasons Dean would do everything he could to protect Sam, but not to the extent of putting others in danger (Nancy in "Jus In Bello"). But over the years his mindset has been shifted from "Nobody's expendable except me" to "Everyone's expendable except Sam", which is oddly poetic with the finale I suppose.

Dean’s character is also full of self-loathing and insecurity. Which, unfortunatley considering the nature of his job, seems almost common. Dean is, or showing many signs of, being depressed, being fed up with his lot in life, and he's not really optimistic about the future. And how could he be? How many apocalypses do you need to stop before you can have a goddamned vacation? Time after time the world is set to basically implode and the only thing stopping it is these two brothers (and their gathered band of friends who usually die on them), and like all those deaths, Dean knows he is going to one day die doing this job.

The weight of the world is (literally in some cases) on Dean's shoulders. It can be seen through many episodes and through many actions, like with Dean's confession when Sam dies first where he says that his job is only to keep Sam safe so he goes to trade his life for Sam by making a deal and when Bobby confronts him about said deal and asks him if he's that screwed in the head and Dean said he did it so his life could mean something. Possibly more damning is Castiel, when they first meet, who says he doesn't think Dean deserves to be saved. This is why season 15's last two (proper) episodes showed so much character growth from this, Dean stand up to God/Chuck, he gets to be important and knows this now (from Cas in 15x18) and even in the final episode, where he dies as he always believed he would, he does in in such a way that is honourable. He stops Sam from calling for help, accepting this 'defeat', and finally after a fucking long time, takes a rest.

Dean also has an interesting characteristic of adopting blame, especially those who he thinks of as family. Which, is another thing I’m probably attributing to John cause fuck him as your ask said. Now, externally and unlike Sam, Dean didn’t resent John for raising his sons like warriors. But, through the actions in the show, this definitely feels very much not the case. He tries running away at one point, well, not really running away, arrested and sent to a Home for Boys. But in the flashbacks we see of this time, John believed this to be a punishment for Dean's careless behaviour with Sam. Meanwhile, Dean is actually doing well, being normal, he's making friends, doing great in school, and while he is taking mystical precautions from demons and he's being a kid.

This is also the episode where Dean Admits to not wanting to join the family business, or that he doesn't enjoy it. And just as life is going good, John shows up. Not only that, John shows up with Sam in his car and tearfully Dean knows he needs to go, to protect Sam as he's been raised to from all the horror's in the world including their father. I don’t think these thoughts actually changed. I don’t think he ever wanted to keep hunting, but Dean’s character is chalk full of familial loyalty, and when John goes missing on a hunt, he can’t just leave. He goes to find Sam, starting what we know as Season 1.

The last point to touch on should be Season 12, we’re a long time gone with John and here we go getting Mommy issues, which the show didn’t need to introduce but I suppose now we have Mommy and Daddy issues to factor in. Annnnyway, there’s a lot of betrayal happening in this season (from Mary doing sus bullshit to Castiel and Crowleys unlikely partnership), and Dean is affected by all of it personally. Which is very fair, humans are allowed to feel emotions when things happen, this is good.

Emotions are good.

We like emotions.

Anyway, a lot of shit hits the fan very quickly, because Dean is trying to reconnect memories from when he was four years old to, roughly, 37 years old and there's a lot of struggling going around. A lot more cynicism is shown through his character after this season, a lot more, er, despair. There’s also a lot of, what I’d deem to call, religious resentment, more in the fact that Dean actually can put a face to God and yell at him about the world rather than a deity in the sky, but in later seasons and earlier seasons there is a distinct lack of faith that Dean holds towards Chuck, whereas Sam seemed to be the opposite in the earlier seasons.

#john winchester's a+ parenting #dean winchester #supernatural #tv analysis #character study #abuse mention #parental abuse #tw death #castiel #spn #sam winchester

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girlbloggingy · 2 years

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LINK 1ST EPISODE THOUGHTS

admittedly this is an unsuccessful attempt to make all my silly observations while watching it make sense but wasn’t fulfilled. either way that’s all i’ve got so bear with me. psa: unnecessarily long and messy post, no major spoilers or tw.

THE FIRST EPISODE WAS SO GOOD? Like it was exceptionally great and didn’t fail me. Mind you, i had really high expectations for it since yjg and mky have had proven their solid acting skills more than once. the episode’s pace flows in a balanced way? it kept my attention the whole time

Noh Dahyun’s storyline, at least for now, falls into a widely common cliché in kdramas, which is the “unlucky female lead” trope. However, it has a realistic approach and makes it reasonable due to her character to act positively despite the number of unfortunate events she goes through.

She isn't blindly positive just for the sake of it, she’s just trying to find a way to cheer herself up and find the courage to achieve her goals because without this mindset she might feel deeply discouraged and unable to get past it since she is in a disadvantage compared to others (and desperately needs to get her shit together)

i also like how mun ka young delicately portrayed how frustrated dahyun feels about her life overall, how fed up she feels at her job yet has no other choice but accept it. You can feel her stress and exhaustion state building up throughout the entire episode

Eun Gyehoon’s personality is also another point that might be simply reduced to a cold and introspective ml that builds up a wall between him and the fl, but it didn’t happen, instead, you can see that despite his cold demeanor, he's still very kind and generous (in his own ways, mostly through treating people delicious food)

sounding biased now but i just adored how he’s low-key kinda sassy lsksks I am already enthralled by the man as you can tell

Ok, but i feel immensely RELIEVED that the possibility of dahyun being gyehoon’s missing twin sister got openly discussed and at the very least debunked by 80% in the first episode(i mean, i can’t say it so confidently now because i guess it left some questions then and there still, and he might get back at it because he's conflicted confused and troubled!! But gladly it won’t get stretched until their romance ensues since it would be so goddamn weird to witness him falling in love with dahyun yet suspecting of her being his twin like omg no, NO)

you know. i'm just flabbergasted by how yjg literally nailed his portrayal of eun gyehoon at the beginning. It left me bewitched. How intense yet subtle it was, the moment eun gyehoon felt he was shedding a single tear and couldn’t understand why the heck and HOW he started sobbing so suddenly.

i can firmly say that yjg is the type of actor that makes you feel like time stopped while you're watching his works because he truly makes you get immersed in it. Don’t know how to explain, and don’t even need to. just check his filmography!!

of course, mky isn’t far behind. She comes a close second. It’s tight but fair competition, y'all! Her character seems like a mundane person just trying to get through the hard times of adult life, and it’s not that amusing or outstanding, but it’s very sincere and kayoung really explores that with so little.

Dahyun doesn’t want to disappoint her mom, she tries to be a good daughter, student, and employee but everything in her life is crashing, especially the fact that now she has a damn stalker!!! She knows how to defend herself and did actively stand up, but she’s still a victim, and as contradictory as it sounds, she feels and is (about to be)deemed guilty. She actually gets accused of flirting with gyehoon meanwhile in her shift, and people do not believe her when she tells them she’s not dating that creepy coworker of hers.

A woman’s word is constantly discredited, and her absolutely normal behavior is exaggerated to feed into some psycho’s delusional fantasy. The parallels between how dahyun actually treated the stalker vs his delusional interpretation of it were pertinent, it stresses the fact that the victim isn’t the one to blame. Never.

Aside from the main cast(eun gyehoon and noh dahyun), i am just so whipped with the police couple like… EXES THAT HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER? i’m in need of that, hand it to ME. NOW. Also, everyone in the jihwas vicinity is so highly suspicious that i'm curious about all of them.

yep i said i'm curious about all of them but dahyuns mom and grandma are not only suspicious to me but 🫣🫣 i don’t even know what to expect from them gotta tune in bcs I have no idea seriously.

last but not least, it was just me or their chemistry was already picking up? Their dynamic is already interesting

NOT ABOUT THE DRAMA ITSELF BUT I NEED TO LET IT OUT

Link got rejected by a lot of actors, and it left a lot of people questioning whether it were an awfully bad script or a highly demanding narrative. And I think it’s the latter one, but let me refrain and not get too ahead of myself.

Despite the long wait, im really thankful that yeo jin goo and mun ka young landed this project together. Link seems to demand a high synchronization and synergy between the actors and that’s obviously not achieved easily and judging by how long they’ve known each other, it truly helps it. It's nice to see them working together again as more mature professionals.

god i truly want mky acting alongside same aged peers!! it feels so refreshing.

#long post #tvn link eat love kill #Thoughts..and prayers srlslu #might edit it later bc im just too pumped #TELL ME YOUR IMPRESSIONS AS WELL!! It was just great started to me i loved it #link: eat love kill #mun ka young #yeo jin goo

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simplicitydefined · 2 years

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I’ve been busy manifesting all year and I’m finally ready to talk about it. 😅 Let’s start with the basics:

Manifesting is not:

❌Affirmations

❌Scripting

❌Subliminal messages

❌Meditation

❌SATS

❌Vision boarding

❌3*33

❌5*55

❌Rampaging

❌Or anything else.

Manifesting is the act of receiving your desires. The rest are tools that prepare you to receive. Because they are tools you can choose which one works best for you and what you’re trying to bring forward. So when people tell you scripting is the only way, or something similar that’s incorrect. Scripting is the best way for them, you need to try different methods to find out what works best for you.

Similarly, different belief systems such as the Law of attraction, assumption, belief, equivalent exchange, emergence, etc work differently for different people. As well as different teachers resonate with each of us differently. There are hard core Joseph Murphy and Neville Goddard followers as well as Dylan James or Sammy Ingram. Spending time arguing over who is right is wasting time. I’m more focused on getting my desires then trying to convince you that Abraham Hicks is better than Louise Hay. If Louise helped you manifest then stick with her. Hell, if Bob Proctor or Les Brown did it, great! Just manifest, stop trying to turn this into organized religion. 😩 Believe, do, think, however works best for you. The goal is to get your desires.

For myself I’m into law of assumption, and I listen to a few different people including reading religious texts. I also find subliminals work best when I start working towards something. This is because I don’t have to actively do anything other than listen to music. I don’t have the resistance I do by writing something or speaking it outloud when I’m not in the belief/faith state.

Speaking of states these are the states I will mention frequently to describe where we are mentally.

0️⃣ 😶Level zero is Oblivious. You are just living and hoping some good things happen. You may be fearful of change, and pessimistic.

1️⃣ 😫Level one is Desperation. This is when you need this change. You’ve decided you no longer want to live this way and you need a change now. You are probably anxious and full of doubt here but you’re willing to try anything. You may use multiple methods constantly and can be very obsessive over your desire and how you can get it. You may also spiral often. You may manifest your desire and push it back out in a rapid cycle. (Coming into money and then you have an emergency expense, getting a new car and it breaks down, getting asked out on a date and getting ghosted right after…) It often feels like an emotional roller coaster of highs and lows as well as massive change.

📍if you’re in this state try not to get swept up in spending money to learn how to manifest. All the information you need is out there for free on almost every social media app. People prey on desperation and will give you the same free information for $399. So be safe out there!

2️⃣ 💆🏾‍♀️ Level two is Calm. You still really want something but you’re no longer hyper emotional about it. You’ve seen your desires come in, and you’re starting to believe this may work. You’re willing to listen and work on yourself as you find lack thoughts coming up. But you may still spiral from time to time, you just have the tools to bring yourself back to this calm place. You may lean on the tools heavily to help maintain your mindset.

3️⃣ 🤔Level three is faith (or belief). You still have lack thoughts or beliefs but you believe generally that everything is working out for your good. When those thoughts come up you easily rebuke them. You no longer feel obsessive over your desires. You may say “if I don’t get this I’ll get something better”. You’ll also feel more relaxed about using methods, and things like affirming aloud feel better.

4️⃣ 🧘🏾‍♀️Level four is knowing. The major shift is instead of saying “if I don’t get this…” you know that you will get that. There is no other choice, it’s already yours. You’ve seen countless things manifest, you have a good handle on your thoughts, and you only use tools when you need them.

📍You don’t just ascend to level 4 and stop. You probably will be in multiple states at once. You may be on level 4 in your love life, 2 in finances, 0 in career, and 1 in your appearance. You can also get to 4, get triggered by the 3D and spiral to level 1. You want to work on your triggers so you can stay in levels 3 and 4 or at least 2. This requires shadow/inner work.

📍You can and WILL manifest at ALL levels including 0. The state only gives a clue to how you will respond to receiving your desire and the ease of keeping it. You don’t have to do anything to receive your desires including shadow work.

📍The negative thoughts will always show up. It’s a natural protective response. Fear and anxiety are trying to protect you from hurt. Your job is to learn how to respond to them.

🚨I like to use the smoke detector analogy. If you’re burning bacon in the kitchen and the smoke detector goes off do you run outside and call 911? No, you open a window and maybe take the battery out of the detector. You know why it’s going off and you know you’re safe. But if it goes off at 3 am when everyone is asleep then you call 911 and evacuate the house.

The majority of the time it’s just “burnt bacon” 🥓 and you’re absolutely fine. So we need to learn to open the window, and turn off the alarm (ground/calm yourself) instead of calling 911 (giving up on our desires and spiraling)

// Side note: if you like me are diagnosed with anxiety (any form) you know this is a constant war. Make sure you’re using your tools that your doctor gave you as well. 🫂

📜My main rules are:📜

1️⃣ Your desires desire you 🫂

2️⃣ The universe/God/Source/Spirit wants you to have your desires 🫂

3️⃣ The universe/God/Source/Spirit is supporting you to get your desires 🤲🏾

4️⃣ The universe/God/Source/Spirit only says yes 👍🏾

5️⃣ You desire it because it’s yours. 👸🏾

6️⃣ No one has to agree or understand this other than you. 🤷🏾‍♀️

👩🏾‍🏫 I’m going to break some major points down in a series of future posts, feel free to add your thoughts.

🗃Next topic: Faith

#loassumption #law of belief #law of the universe #law of attraction

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likeadevils · 2 years

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aside from question, what songs are about 1989?

so there's a lot and this ballooned into something much bigger than i was expecting so under the cut it goes

to start of, the bridge of you're on your own, kid seems to be looking back at a lot of her early twenties but the 1989 era especially. like on one hand the complicated nature of being alone was definitly something she learned during the 1989 era, but it's also taylor looking back on the person she was while she learned that lesson and comforting her. like it's very midnights, telling the story as if it's the present and past simultaneously

"I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this I hosted parties and starved my body Like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss The jokes weren't funny, I took the money My friends from home don't know what to say I looked around in a blood-soaked gown And I saw something they can't take away 'Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned Everything you lose is a step you take So, make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it You've got no reason to be afraid

Midnight Rain also makes me think of the 1989 era. I lean more towards it being about her 2014-2015 situationship era, but i could see it being about calvin or tom. i also think the "he wanted a bride" is more of a metaphorical 'someone who will comply with traditional gender roles/commit to me' than a literal "he proposed and i said no," but that's also a definite possibility. either way i think it's very good at portraying how complicated and lonely putting yourself first can be, which was definitely a running theme through the 1989 era

This line in Anti-Hero references the 2014-2015 situationship era in a way that just made something click for me idk

When my depression works the graveyard shift, all of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

Dear Reader is definitely about the 1989 era. verse one reminds me of a) her cutting her hair and moving to new york in 2014 and b) her cutting then bleaching her hair then growing it out and also fleeing from la to europe to new york to nashville and finally to london in 2016

Dear reader, if it feels like a trap You're already in one Dear reader, get out your map Pick somewhere and just run Dear reader, burn all the files Desert all your past lives And if you don't recognize yourself That means you did it right

also verse two reminds me of the phonegate situation

Dear reader, you don't have to answer Just 'cause they asked you (You should find another) Dear reader, the greatest of luxuries is your secrets Dear reader, when you aim at the devil Make sure you don't miss

and the bridge reminds me of her being attached to a very good girl image but in her personal life she was being an grown, complicated adult, which i'm sure led to a lot of guilt

But darling, darling, please You wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking If you knew where I was walking To a house, not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there Where I pace in my pen and my friends found friends who care No one sees when you lose when you're playing solitaire You should find another guiding light, guiding light But I shine so bright

There's plenty of posts about how High Infidelity is about her relationship with Calvin coming to an end, but what I've taken away from it is an understanding of just what her mindset was going into her relationship with Joe. Like combine this with Midnight Rain and then listen to the first verse of glitch and try not to lose your mind

speaking of glitch the verses makes me want to lose my mind

We were supposed to be just friends You don't live in my part of town, but maybe I'll see you out some weekend Depending on what kind of mood and situationship I'm in And what's in my system

I was supposed to sweat you out In search of glorious happenings of happenstance on someone else's playground But it's been two-thousand one-hundred ninety days of our love blackout

A brief interruption, a slight malfunction I'd go back to wanting dudes who give nothing I thought we had no chance And that's romance, let's dance

like idk its such a portrait of like, having given up on love and then genuine human connection and then it happens and its? a story she's tol a million times but something about this album just made it click for me idk?

and also thats why question hits! it’s looking back on someone she was entangled with while she couldn’t really connect with anyone and everyone around her was surface level, and being like, “did you ever find what i found? can you commit to someone for the whole world to see and not worry about it? have you ever had a real conversation with someone you love?”

#asks*#anonymous #sorry for posting this a solid couple hours after you asked but i had to write my little essay #txt*

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eyzss · 1 year

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•••(BLOG)•••

GROWTH IS A PROCESS

‘CELEBRATING A LITTLE SUCCESSES’

I don't know how to start this, but I am Ace Gallarde, 5-foot ang 7 inches tall., 16 years old, born on July 23, 2006. I am just a simple Filipino citizen and a senior high school student. I don't know how I am going to describe myself because I don't know him that much. People see me as a serious and quiet guy, but that's going too far when I am with the people that I am comfortable with. In our family, we are seven; I have three brothers and a sister; we live a simple life; we eat 2-3 times a day; and we have a decent place to live. I am the type of person who likes to cook and go to peaceful places. I used to do cycling and use my pedal like a wind during the pandemic and go to the places using your own strength, but when face-to-face classes started, and that's one of the reasons why I gave up cycling, I stopped riding my bicycle to focus on my study. Besides that, my main hobby as of now is going to the gym and lifting as much as I can to forget all the problems for 2 hours straight. Going to the gym and destroying your body every day is not good for everyone's health, but for me, when I go to the gym, all the voices in my head suddenly disappear, and all I feel is serenity. It is a place where I think I belong.

How are you? A common question of the people I haven’t seen for a long time, but I always respond and say I’m ok, but the truth is I’m having the biggest battle against myself every day, a battle where you’re the only one who can solve it. Everything happens for a reason. Life puts us down only so we can get back up for the better things. Live life, forgive and forget, and let go of the past. Don’t destroy a new day thinking about the bad things that happened yesterday or in the past. In the past few years, a lot has happened. These past few months, I challenged myself to stay out of my comfort zone, and I started doing the things that my future self will be proud of. It takes time, but things will get better because the beginning is always the hardest. I’ve started to train my body and mind. I started going to the gym and putting my body into pain for about 1-2 hours a day. Not only will the gym train your body, but it will also train your mind to be consistent. It is hard, but it does get easier every day. But I have to do it every day. That is the hardest part. I don’t care who is doing better than me because I am doing better than I was last year. These past months, I started doing the things that I don’t want to do. It is not going to be fun for me because doing the things I don’t want to do every single time makes me uncomfortable. It is hard, but I need to fight the laziness. But it is ok because doing the things that make you uncomfortable leads to growth, and growth leads to improvement. I believe all these things will have a lifetime benefit for me, and I believe that one day I will be at the place where I always wanted to be. Furthermore, the weakness I discovered about myself was that I am afraid of failure, but as of now I am more afraid of not even trying. While the strength that I discovered about myself is that I can now accept failures because accepting failures means giving myself another opportunity to improve and be better,

Dear my future self, I promise that I will make you proud no matter what happens. Keep doing exactly what you have been doing, I know you have been switching back and forth from your old self to your new self, please don’t give up and be strong. I don't want you to get impatient. No need to rush anything. Please be patient. And allow everything to just be. Remember, I'm just a mindset and awareness shift away. I'm your future self but I'm always here.

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maureenalipio · 1 year

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ALIPIO, MAUREEN LOPEZ | The Grown Up Version (15 years later)

Wow, it’s been years since I last used my tumblr account. I can’t fairly remember if this was the old account that I usually used. I think I was around 10 years old back when I discovered this social media “slash” blog platform. But anyway, I will try to make use of this platform again but on a new objective. Before, I kinda used this as like a facebook account since back then and this website was so hyped up, wherein we can freely post and see other people’s interests, somehow as well with relatable posts. Now, I think I’ll serve it as like my journal full of my thoughts and ideas. Basically my life, my journey, and my experiences. Though the top priority for this account will still go the same, which is I can say and make opinions about everything that I want to share. Well of course, this is my blog, obviously. I do hope that I can be consistent with this.

So, where do I start? Well, a lot has happened through the course of time and A LOT has changed. Starting from my physical appearance of course, well I’m still that same fat kid they used to know since elementary. Though I tried to do some weight loss but I wasn’t that consistent. Second, is my environment. A lot of shifts has happened to me, but as they say, change is constant and you must be ready for those because that’s were growth is supposed to start. Lastly, my mindset. It really is time and experience do create wisdom. Though experience is very objective since we are not all born with the same shoe. You meet different kinds of people, learn a lot from them, and you also go through a lot of loopholes and accomplishments before you get to where you are supposed to be. Failure, relapses, regrets, and disappointments are also part of your growth, it’s part of being human of course. Thus, with all these factors, little by little you get to know about yourself. I firmly believe that you really create yourself. You may have those moments that you had no choice or those moments that make you believe in destiny, but at the end of the day, those choices or encounters are the ones that makes you, and its up to you if you want to either enjoy or endure living with it, or escape from it. Dreams and aspirations are as well a part of you, in which that if you wanted something, you have to earn and make your way to grab it. But the thing that you have to dwell in first is to get to know yourself, and the rest will follow.

So story of my life, I was a girl who likes to prove herself in able to be in favorable for everyone else, and tries to escape when she feels unhappy. To be specific, I grew up in a a typical Asian life, going to a private school who takes piano lessons twice a week with a lot of expectations from her parents then suddenly transferred to a public school during my last 2 years in high school. Went on an engineering school that my father was expecting me to be in since he is a retired engineer, dropped out after 2 years, (Yeah, he got REALLY disappointed), then stopped schooling for a year to finally realize what I really want for my college life. Yes, college life. Sounds close-ended, right? To better explain, college is just part of your learning process and a preparation for your possible potential into the real world. It is true that as you step out of your academic life, that’s where the real battle begins. Your life suddenly gets on freestyle mode. Unless you have your plans made intact already. So then, I decided to take up my 2nd dream course, which is Psychology. My first choice or dream course was really Conservatory in Music in Piano. I wanted to pursue my potential in arts and music but I practically realized that my parents couldn’t afford that in the long run since the tuition fee was really expensive. So I chose what’s more practical for me. Though I was able to take up UPCAT and USTET back then. I passed with USTET for the music course, but I decided to take up what my father was expecting for me at first which is again, at engineering school.

During my years as a private school girl, I was this timid and happy-go-lucky student back then. I was contented with only average scores unlike my other classmates who were really achievers. Of course, being that kind of student, I was always made fun by classmates. I was once a victim of bullying. Like they treated me as a “you don’t belong here” kinda kid. Trying to make fun on my physical appearance and how I do academically. Even some of my teachers back then used to made fun of me. I tried fighting back, but ends up I was never being favored nor listened to my side. That school taught me not to fight back even if it’s already below the belt or you’re already being betrayed by your so-called friends. But for me, I was just protecting myself. Until I reached the 2nd year of my high school at that same institution, I was starting to realize that I was enduring this kind of environment that is not meant for me all these years and ends up I do not have this kind of fulfillment for myself. Rooting these out, I need growth. Like I know I have a potential, it’s just that I’m in a wrong environment to start at. I spent my years there trying to fit in. Until I decided to try on going on a different environment. Which was in public school. I was encourage to transfer schools by one of my childhood friend who had the same situation as mine back then. I saw her enjoyed on her new school. So then, I explained to parents and at first they really refused because they kept on emphasizing the fact that all of my cousins were graduates of private schools (talk about social status though). But in the end, I was able to persuade them even though they got disappointed with my decision. But I always kept them in mind that it’s free tuition anyways.

As going by my last 2 years in high school, as a transferee shifting from a private school to a public school, at first I was cultured shocked. The classroom management to be specific. Like we do not have any janitors! We are the ones who will have to clean our room which is a good practice actually. Also, in public schools we had a total of 21 sections in one grade level unlike in private schools we only had 4 sections maximum. As expected, since I was an average student in my previous school, I was placed at the last section, but I don’t mind. But so to speak, that was the best decision that I’ve made. I saw my potential as a leader and was able to experience by being a top student from our class. I made a lot of friends then and was able to meet who I consider as my home friends (my 4th year HS classmates to be specific) and up until this day, we are still solid as a rock. We had our matching tattoos actually! I felt motivated and contented at that time. Until we moved on to college. I was glad I still get to be with them because some of us end up at the same college, well at the first.

College life. Ahh, a new environment. A little freedom as well. You won’t barely know who is who in college. There’s no such thing as hierarchy, like we are all the same, meaning to say it’s like we are a blank slate from the degree that we had chosen. We came from different schools, environments, and experiences. College is very expensive and that’s what I never realized. I wasn’t being practical to my decision. I already knew I really want, but I still chose to live up the expectations from my father and of the whole family. I remember back in engineering school on my 2 years that I spent, I thought I was going to ace this, but then to realize it really isn’t for me. Damn, I wasn’t really good in math. So as expected, I kept on failing my math subjects. I was really drained and really questioned myself that time. So then, I dropped and tried to explain to my disappointed parents until they helped me to go back to school again after a year. During my days being a dropped out, I tried to look for jobs but only to find out that being a high school graduate job seeker here in the Philippines is not enough to be qualified on most of companies. I was really fortunate that my parents tried to listen to me though it was really one of the tough decisions that we made.

After college, that’s the time I was so pressured for life. I always asked myself, “what’s next?” or “will I get a job?”. At that point I was thinking if I was really prepared for the reality. So as the usual step for a college graduate is of course, look for a new job. I tried a couple of companies and roles related to my degree, which is on a corporate level which is the HR field. I even tried BPO companies of course to improve my communication skills. Luckily, I got accepted on a BPO company with a travel account. I said to myself, I will only try BPO for communication improvement, and so I thought. I spent my year there with a lot of learnings, mishaps and challenges. But I must say, that I enjoyed my stay here. Currently, I’m on my second job which is still BPO and travel account related, and I have a lot to talk about this experience. So, that’s what my life is currently at and wanted to talk about on my next blogs.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to so far. I do hope I could still write blogs for the next time. But hey, life goes on. Everyday is a fresh start. I will do my best to update here about what’s happening with my life and share about my thoughts and experiences. See you on my next updates!

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ganglands-marseillais · 1 year

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How to Imprint on Girls between the Ages of 18-22

Imprint Definition

(of a young animal) come to recognize (another animal, person, or thing) as a parent or other object of habitual trust

Offering Maslow Hierarchy of Needs (Pimps Use This)

Self-actualization Needs

Self-actualization needs are the highest level in Maslow's hierarchy, and refer to the realization of a person's potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences. Maslow (1943) describes this level as the desire to accomplish everything that one can, to become the most that one can be.

Psychological Needs

Esteem needs are the fourth level in Maslow’s hierarchy and include self-worth, accomplishment and respect. Maslow classified esteem needs into two categories: (i) esteem for oneself (dignity, achievement, mastery, independence) and (ii) the desire for reputation or respect from others (e.g., status, prestige).

Love and belongingness needs - after physiological and safety needs have been fulfilled, the third level of human needs is social and involves feelings of belongingness. Belongingness, refers to a human emotional need for interpersonal relationships, affiliating, connectedness, and being part of a group

Basic Needs

Safety needs - once an individual’s physiological needs are satisfied, the needs for security and safety become salient. People want to experience order, predictability and control in their lives. These needs can be fulfilled by the family and society (e.g. police, schools, business and medical care).

Physiological needs - these are biological requirements for human survival, e.g. air, food, drink, shelter, clothing, warmth, sex, sleep.

Strategies

First Date Completion

Show her the tip: study lots of things and tease your knowledge by starting conversations on different topics

The In and Out: try and get her number in 5 minutes. This mentality will cut down long conversations being filled with science

End on a high note: if you see the end coming during a good conversation say you have an appointment to get to and ask for her number

Date: Actually talk about those things

7 Easy Ways To Show Extreme Confidence

Frame Control

Frames: the unspoken context that dictates the rules of any interaction (example: someone asking you “tell me about yourself” at an interview compare to a party). Who ever controls has power.

Control The Frame With Your Body Language & Tone: You control people by entering big and brash. By doing this you establish the frame by having the other person react to your emotional state. You can also control a frame when responding slower and subdued when someone directs you to do something. Take your time; you don’t have to jump because somebody said so. When in conflict and someone you’re talking to is losing control and getting angry stay calm and do not rise to it. Tonality is When telling someone to do something tell them with a lower inflection. When making something more inviting speak with a higher inflection. For charisma, setting a higher energy frame is best for entrances and greetings. Slower and less reactive frame is better in moments in conflict

When In Confrontation, Attack The Frame, Not The Content: Challenging the content means you accept the frame and need to defend yourself. Shifting the framing is a verbal way of taking back control. This is done through the heart of quick wit. The simple act of not defending goes a long way. In fact the less you focus on defending yourself the better your banter will become.

Have The Belief That You Are Not There To Impress: When someone who’s working with you try to belittle you, remind them that you can leave. Don’t attack the person attack the frame. Shifting your mindset to “this person needs me to partner with them” this mindset will allow you to push back when needed, you’ll give better advice, and sub communicate a powerful position they’re more likely to associate with. Rather than to work for the praise of my partners, allow them to work for yours; compliment them when they impress you. When people have been accepted to something exclusive it makes them accept it much more if they were simply sold into that thing

Become an expert at framing people’s options: Give them 2 options the thing they don’t want to do and the thing you want to do. Control the menu which is to say you control the options that are only available in anyone’s mind. The person who controls the menu controls the outcome.

Socratic Method*: The Socratic method (also known as method of Elenchus, elenctic method, or Socratic debate) is a form of cooperative argumentative dialogue between individuals, based on asking and answering questions to stimulate critical thinking and to draw out ideas and underlying presuppositions.

Create Options For Yourself: In any negotiation the person with the better second option is going to win they can afford to care less

6 Psychological Tricks to Read Anyone

Increase Self-Awareness: Notice when you're forming or changing opinions of other people. When you don't know someone you don't have an opinion on them. You don't trust them or distrust them, like them or hate them, it's just neutral to you. After you talk to someone for the first time within the first five minutes your going to force a strong opinion about them. You don't know this person, you don't know what they're saying is true and you don't know their resume. You need to get good at forming opinions.

Find Where Their Attention Is (eye contact is huge): Are their eyes making contact with and is their body facing yours. Are they asking or answering engaging questions?

Get Good at Identifying Micro-Expressions: Get good at recognizing when someone is trying to hide an expression. Look for momentary loss of control to hide expression.

Identify Common Patterns: Look for consistency in the way people engage with you.

Make Predictions Based on People's Body Language: Start making predictions. Foreshadow what you think is going to happen in a conversation. You can do this through how people talk to you versus others.

Experiment In Your Own Life

VICE SCRIPT MOVEMENT

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2jaeh · 3 years

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ORPHIC : YUTA X READER

genre: smut, angst

warnings: mature themes, enemies to lovers kinda, kinda toxic theme, multiple smut scenes, swearing, alcohol, toys.

slight jenoxreader

word count : 17,5k (sorrry he’s my ult)

author: sin!

You and Yuta never had a good relationship within your group of friends. The closest the two of you ever came to even slightly caring about each other was...in bed. After some friendly advice you decide to venture out of this toxicity and an old friend comes to the rescue. Thinking things will finally settle and you are ready to move on, Yuta comes to the realization that he wasn't a fan of you leaving him for someone else.

A/N: WHOA this took me so long to write and rn its 2am and I barely proofread anything and just wanted to post it already! ALSO I just wanted to add Jeno is practically my ult as well and I wanted to use him for this scenario ! I promise Ill make it up to you guys with a full length fic of him lol Anyways enjoy.

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You couldn’t understand why you hated him so much. Was it the way he did his hair ? The way he rolled his eyes at every snarky remark you directed at him ?

Or was it the way he stared at you from across the room, a smirk on his face signaling that it was going to be one of those nights.

You joined this collective of artists or the “blank space” as you were known to the public, a year ago. The team did everything from clothing to organizing crazy exhibitions, and the best part of it all was that the team members remained anonymous.

Now some of the members were already in the spotlight for their personal artworks and collections but anything under blank space was under that name only, promoted only under its respective social media accounts. The collective was founded by Taeyong, an introverted guy you met at a fashion show you once worked at. He approached you the night your art hit the runway and you’ve been working for him ever since.

You didn’t know everybody under Blank Space except for the people Taeyong trusted the most. Which from possibly 50 designers, only reduced to a total of nine close friends.

Taeyong, Johnny, Ten, Renjun, YangYang, Doyoung, Sungchan, Lucas and You.

And then, there was one person you called a friend when the mood was right. When he was not being an absolute pain in the ass.

Yuta Nakamoto.

————————————————————————

“So there’s a launch happening this weekend over at the shed” Taeyong announced to your friend group who were barely paying attention thanks to Yangyang attempting to stuff four marshmallows into his mouth. “Come on you can do one more” Lucas edged him on while Renjun shook his head disapprovingly and Sungchan tried to suppress his laughter.

“Guys please pay attention” Doyoung, the only type of authority around here spoke up, finally quieting down the room and allowing his best friend to speak.

Taeyong cleared his throat and shifted nervously as all eyes were focused on him again. “I’d like all of us to attend, maybe look for a new recruit” the timid pink haired boy spoke and everyone nodded knowing the routine of these launches at this point.

“Can we party hard or is this just one of those save face kinda gigs ?” Yuta raised his hand and the spark in Lucas’s eyes indicated that he may have had the same idea.

You rolled your eyes and crossed your leg over the other, “Yuta’s having a dry spell he wants to find some damsel in distress to get into his bed” you turned to him and he only smirked at your snarky comment.

“Well now y/n it’s only because you haven’t been in the mood for my dick lately” he pouted and Renjun threw his head back, followed by groans from both Johnny and Ten.

“I’m not in the mood for the two of you today seriously” Ten chimed in, rubbing his temples just waiting for this group meeting to be over. “Yeah me too” Johnny added, “you two fight the entire week then hook up over the weekend, we are tired.”

“Why are you guys tired ? Are you doing the fighting and fucking ?” Yuta scoffed and Doyoung jumped to his feet, folding his arms across his chest as he looked down at the scowling black haired man,

“This is a work meeting. If it's not about work” Doyoung eyes moved to you, “then we don’t want to hear about it.”

You nodded after getting reprimanded but Yuta being Yuta just snickered and downed the rest of his coffee, unbothered by what any of the people in the room had to say about him.

“Okay then well I’ll see you guys Friday night, if you find a possible recruitment just text the group chat and we will decide as a team then and there” Taeyong wrapped up the meeting and everyone dispersed back to their work stations to finish up any outstanding projects.

Blank Space had its own office block but you guys were the only ones with a private floor at the very end of the hallway, far away from the part-timers.

Everyone had their own cubicle made up of makeshift drywall, so it was private but not private enough. Taeyong felt that closed offices made no sense for a room of creatives and when working on bigger projects it was easier for members to move their stations to their partners' cubicles.

Your cubicle though had the unfortunate fate of being placed in front of Yuta. The members had tried to swap with either of you but neither of you budged. Moving meant there was a problem and showing that you had an actual problem with the other person meant it could sabotage the team and things may go sour.

So both of you conceded. Trying your absolute best to stay out of the other person's way during work hours. But it was impossible when bickering was just something you guys did.

From the very beginning You and Yuta had disagreed on almost everything. Both of you were pretty stubborn people and had a very similar mindset. Then on a random drunken night Johnny suggested that you and Yuta needed to release your anger in bed and the next day you’d be best friends. Yuta was pretty adamant on the idea and not only did you hook up once, it became this ongoing hell of fighting, building up your anger and releasing it during mind blowing sex.

Neither of you questioned the abnormality of your relationship. Rather, you ignored the red flags and the toxicity of it all and just assumed attraction only happened through liquor, high sexual needs and boredom.

“Hey y/n sorry about snapping like that earlier” Doyoung stepped into your cubicle, his gummy smile showing as he nervously scratched his head. “It’s no problem, I’m sorry about my stupid comment” you pressed your lips together feeling a tad guilty that it all started because of you.

“You guys really love riling each other up don’t you?” Doyoung took a seat opposite you which was a bit unnatural for anyone who walked by. Doyoung was a very reserved person and never bothered to converse with any of you besides Taeyong. Unlike the rest of you Doyoung was recruited to handle finances and foresee the operation. He appreciated the arts but never delved in it, hence his awkwardness with the openness and unhinged personalities of the group.

“I get that it can be...exhausting” you sighed, propping your elbows up on the counter and pouting.

“Then why do you continue ?” Doyoung quizzed and you shrugged, “stress relief ?”

Doyoung chuckled at your words and pushed his spectacles up his bridge, “you guys are the ones stressing each other out,” Doyoung turned back to look at Yuta who was busy sketching and turned back to face you,

“All I’m saying is that maybe it’s time to look for a stress reliever that doesn’t result in anger the very next day, you guys need to move on.”

Move on.

Doyoung’s words swam in your mind hours after the short conversation had ended and you wondered if it was indeed time to move on. You looked up from your desk and to your surprise Yuta’s eyes were locked with yours as he twirled a lollipop in his mouth.

The issue was, as much as you hated him you couldn’t deny he was so goddamn hot. From the long hair to the edgy attire, physically he was your type. Personality on the other hand, it was like nails against a chalkboard.

Unbearable.

You kept your eyes locked with him until he slowly pulled the sweet out of his mouth, licked his lips and blew you a cheeky kiss from across the room.

“Moron” you mumbled and shook your head trying to ignore his devilish motives and get back to work.

Doyoung was right. You definitely needed to find someone to distract yourself from Yuta’s hold over you.

———————————————————————-

It was the night of the launch and everybody showed up with their own rides and began mingling with former clients and partners. You arrived with Ten and Lucas who already decided to pre-game drinks just in case ‘there wasn’t enough at the party.’

“Hey please do us a favor and not hook up with Yuta tonight” Ten wrapped his arm around your shoulder as the two of you maneuvered through the groups of people. “Not planning on it” you replied in his ear, “and besides Doyoung already beat you to that pep talk.”

“Doyoung ?” Ten wrinkled his nose before ordering the two of you a mojito from the open bar.

“Yeah he said that I should move on, possibly find a new hookup” you shrugged, retrieving the drink and headed to a balcony that overlooked the first floor of the launch party. There were bodies of people everywhere, networking, checking out merchandise or just getting plain wasted.

“Seems like Lucas has already been cut off from the open bar” Ten pointed out, watching the tall man try to push his way back to the bar but the bouncer refused him to do so.

“Let me go help him out, I'll catch up later” Ten sighed and gave you a pat on your shoulder, “and yeah find a new hookup, if Yuta gets to sleep around so can you.”

You watched Ten disappear into the crowd and twirled the glass in your hand wishing what he had said was that easy.

There were no rules about hooking up with other people or just any reinforcements in general when it came to you and Yuta. But you we’re well aware of his loose sex life. There were many times where Yuta ended up going home with some random person if he wasn’t in the mood to hook up with you. But You on the other hand, never bothered these days because you were either too busy or whoever you met just ended up boring you to death.

“Y/n ?” You heard someone say from behind you and to your surprise it was a face you hadn’t seen in years.

“Jeno ? Oh my God” you quickly gave the blonde boy a quick hug, taken back by how much he had filled out since high school.

Jeno used to help you out from time to time during proms and fashion shows, lending out his strength to build anything from sculptures to installation art in the city.

“I was wondering when I was going to bump into you at one of these shows” his bright smile turned his eyes into crescents as he joined you at the balustrade. The Jeno you knew in high school was a lanky shy kinda guy but the Jeno you saw now was confident, mature and outright gorgeous.

“I’m quite surprised seeing you here actually” you chuckled shyly, “I didn’t know you’d pursue anything in this field to be honest.”

“Wow” Jeno mouthed and cutely grinned, “hmm that kinda hurt considering I’m the one who made the centerpiece of this entire launch”

Your eyes widened as you looked down at the structure of colored sharpies bound together to create a giant rubix cube in the middle of the party. “Holy shit that’s awesome my boss would absolutely love you” you gasped, knowing Taeyong absolutely loved installation art especially at a large scale like this.

“Oh who’s your boss ? I’m actually a free agent right now” Jeno replied and you quickly remembered the reason you were even at the launch in the first place. “Wait! We’re looking for recruits right now, let me just tell the others about it” you said excitedly, handing Jeno your drink and pulled up the group chat on your phone.

A few minutes later everyone confirmed the meeting place of a private room located on the second floor, quiet enough for a quick interview and decision. The best part of this job was everyone was so connected that there was no need to go through the process of a full portfolio look and a million interviews, all you needed was a trusted ally within the group to vouch for you and you were already one foot in.

“Ten and Yangyang took Lucas home after he tried to challenge the bartender to an arm wrestling match” Johnny entered the room and sipped his whiskey while Renjun and Sungchan followed close behind him. Taeyong and Doyoung stood in front of the room discussing something amongst themselves while you and Jeno took a seat on the burgundy couch.

Yuta entered shortly after, drink in hand and you noticed his eyes narrow in on Jeno who sat close to you. “Okay everyone who’s able to make it is here let’s get started” Taeyong clasped his hands together, “everybody this is Jeno Lee and a long time friend of y/n.”

“Not that long but yeah we did work together” Jeno chuckled and got to his feet, “well I’m an installation artist, I actually made the centerpiece in tonight’s launch.”

“Wow, it's amazing!” Renjun complimented and Sungchan agreed, giving Jeno a thumbs up, “yeah man that piece is brilliant.”

Jeno smiled from ear to ear as the meeting proceeded with everyone going through a few of Jenos works and what he could bring to the team. While your teammates concentrated on Jenos work all you could concentrate on was Jeno himself.

You wondered if Jeno knew how gorgeous he was in his effortless tank top and denim jeans combo. You hoped no one caught you staring but someone was well aware of your actions.

Yuta watched how you looked at the young guy, he wasn’t stupid, he knew when you found someone attractive and the way you were ogling Jeno right now, he didn’t like it at all.

The meeting ended and everyone welcomed Jeno to the collective. Johnny gave him a few pointers on which coffee to order from the cafe next to the office and Sungchan exchanged gamer tags with his new friend.

“I’ll see you guys on Monday” you waved as everyone exited the meeting and before you could make your way to catch up with Jeno and Sungchan you were being pulled back into the room.

“Your place or mine ?” Yuta mused and snaked an arm around your waist, looking down at you with dark eyes.

“Neither” you responded, “I’m gonna hang with Jeno and head home, you should find that little damsel to play with”

“Don’t be difficult y/n we're long overdue for our therapy session now” he groaned, pressing his lips to your ear and jaw. As much as he aroused you by just breathing you thought about what Doyoung had said, you needed to move on from this mess.

“Listen I think we need to just stop our sessions” you stepped away from him leaving Yuta slightly taken back from your actions, “let’s move on, be out of each other’s way and not make the group uncomfortable okay ?”

Yuta watched you press your lips together and finally make your exit, leaving him completely alone. You denied his advances for the first time since the two of you started sleeping together and something in him broke.

————————————————————————

Monday came around and the whole team buzzed about Jeno joining the team. Usually a new recruit would hang downstairs with the part time designers but because Taeyong trusted your judgement on Jeno, he was able to integrate with the team.

“Man that Jeno guy seems real chill” Yangyang hopped alongside Johnny and Yuta who were doing the morning coffee run. Yuta kept his composure despite knowing he wasn’t a huge fan of someone new joining the team and throwing off the dynamic. Hands in his pocket he ignored Yangyangs endless questions about the meeting, allowing Johnny to entertain the eager young boy.

“All I know is that having Jeno around means I don’t have to do all the carrying when Lucas bails on me” Johnny sipped his drink as they made their way back to their office. To their surprise Jeno had just arrived, looking like a lost puppy as he examined the names of the floors next to the secretary desk.

“Speak of the devil” Johnny threw his arm around Jeno, startling the boy and led him over to the elevator, “we’re at the top floor newbie, make sure to get an access card from Taeyong.”

“T-thanks” Jeno grinned and bowed politely to both Yuta and Yangyang before stepping into the elevator. The other guys barely bothered with Yuta’s reaction to Jeno because he rarely liked anyone enough to show any sign of enthusiasm. Jeno wasn’t going to change that.

The elevator opened to the top floor and Jeno awed at the chilled atmosphere you all had created here. From Ten’s thousands of plants around the room, Taeyongs fish, a pool table brought in by Lucas and gaming stations set up by Sungchan, it looked like paradise.

“This....is so cool oh my God” Jeno stepped in, his eyes wandering all over the place until it locked on you hanging over at the fish tank with Taeyong.

“Y/n!” Jeno jogged over and you greeted him with a wide smile and a tight hug, “Jeno you made it!” You gleamed. Jeno quickly shook Taeyong’s hand unsure of how formal of a boss he actually was.

“Whoa I feel like a principal” Taeyong giggled as he dropped a few fish flakes for his babies. “Wow, does everybody have their own cubicle ?” Jeno strolled around the room taking a peak at the vast versions of decor each cubicle adorned.

“Yeah” you responded, “but I don’t think yours is ready yet right Doyoung ?”

“That’s right,” Doyoung replied and folded his arms across his chest, “you don’t mind sharing for the week do you ?”

Jeno shrugged and looked over at you, “I was hoping to catch up with y/n anyway, I don’t mind sharing if it’s okay with you ?”

“It’s perfectly fine” you assured him and gestured over to your cubicle, “me casa is su casa.”

“I’m just gonna need some admin stuff sorted Jeno can you join me for a bit ?” Doyoung asked and Jeno nodded, giving you a quick hug before heading off to the administration offices with Doyoung. You watched the blonde guy exit and something just felt so much brighter in the office. You felt a sense of excitement of what’s to come now that Jeno was back in your life. But like all sunny days there always comes a thunderstorm and yours was staring you down like he was waiting to rain on your parade.

“What ?” You blinked, and Yuta shrugged as he peeked into your cubicle. “It’s a bit small isn’t it ? Don’t think two people can work in here” he raised his brow and looked over at you.

“It’s fine” you sighed and pushed past him, “it’s only for a week and he’s not a stranger to me, why do you care ?”

“I don’t” Yuta mumbled, dragging his feet back to his cubicle leaving you questioning his slightly odd behavior. Your mind quickly snapped out of it when Jeno had made his way back, that bright smile spread across his face and suddenly it felt like sunshine filled the room once more.

“I’m back!” He sang and pulled a chair opposite you, retrieving his laptop already looking like a regular in the office.

“Did Doyoung tell you about tonight ? Our little welcoming party over at Kleo’s Sky Bar ?” You asked, skimming through your emails for the day. “Oh, yeah he did, I mean you guys don’t have to do all of this” Jeno chuckled shyly, those pretty eyes distracting you for the third time that day.

“Nah we do it for everyone, and it’s better you know everyone drunk to avoid future surprises” you pointed over to Lucas who was coaching Yangyang through a trick shot at the pool table. “Gotcha” Jeno nodded, as he watched one of the balls fly off the table and nearly knock Renjun in the back. It was chaos absolutely everyday in the office and you knew Jeno was going to love it here.

But even with Jeno in front of you, your new distraction, your new beginning, like Doyoung and Ten had said you needed, it was a habit at this point to look across the room, wondering what Yuta was up to. You watched him remove his cardigan, exposing his arms in those loose tank tops he always loved to wear as he concentrated on a sketch in front of him. Thankfully he was fully immersed in his work for once to take notice of your eyes on him. You continued observing him, watching him nod along to probably some alternative song blaring in his headphones as he sketched away on his iPad. He was so effortlessly attractive when he wasn’t aware of it.

You needed to snap out of this daydream.

“So are you seeing anyone these days ?”

“Hmm ?”

Jeno laughed as you finally realized that he’d been talking to you and you mentally cursed yourself for even being distracted by Yuta of all people.

“I’m sorry..Uhm no I’m not seeing anyone” you replied, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear and Jeno nodded cutely, “uh good...uhm not good that you’re alone but I was hoping you weren’t...God I’m still so bad at this”

You felt your cheeks heat up seeing Jeno fumble over his words and get nervous about asking you such a question. He was so adorable and something in you also wondered if he was like this in a relationship, or in the bedroom.

Was he dominant ? Was he passive ? Yuta was very dominant and you’d even rile him up to the point of him making you shut up with his actions.

“Y/n ?” Jeno waved his hand in front of your face and you shook your head, you couldn’t believe you did it again. What the hell was wrong with you ?

“Oh my God Jeno I'm so sorry...these emails are just a pain in the ass” you lied but thankfully Jeno took the bait and nodded, “it’s okay I’ll let you get back to work, I was going to go down to the cafe, do you want anything ?”

“Yeah a cafe latte would be great thank you” You felt guilty but it was still only two days since you decided to cut off Yuta so adjusting was going to take a bit of time.

Jeno had left for the cafe and you quickly dove straight into your work, hoping the time would just fly by. That was until you heard a knock and watched Yuta saunter into your cubicle and take a seat right in front of you. You watched him prop his elbows on the table and his piercing eyes narrowed down on you as if he were waiting for an answer.

“Why are you here ?” You questioned him, doing your best to divert your attention from his chiseled arms and exposed chest.

“I want an explanation,” Yuta said calmly, his voice deep and monotone.

“To what ?” You knew fully well what he was talking about but you were really not in the mood to talk to him about this. Yuta sighed and cocked his head to the side, clearly annoyed by your response. “Why the fuck are we calling it quits when we are nothing to each other ? Can’t we just hook up and ignore each other as usual ?” You sensed the annoyance in his voice. Denying him that night was indeed eating him up since you’ve never done it before.

“Yuta that’s the whole point” you rubbed your temples, “if we are nothing to each other then we shouldn’t be hooking up, it just ties us together for absolutely no reason.”

Yuta stayed quiet for a bit and eventually just nodded, “fine do whatever you want I guess.” You watched him walk out, not bothering to give you a second look and you wondered if the unsettling feeling you were experiencing in this moment was how he felt two days ago.

Nothing made sense.

————————————————————————

The evening arrived and everyone was in good spirits because you were all headed to one of your favourite spots in town. “Lucas you gotta do karaoke tonight” Sungchan threw his arm around the large brown haired man as they entered the bar. “Hmm give me a few rounds of drinks first” Lucas stuck out his tongue as he gestured to the waitress to get the gang the usual table.

Thankfully tonight the bar was fairly empty which meant that the gang could really loosen up without the prying eyes of strangers wishing you’d all just leave.

“Wow this place is pretty cool” Jeno gleamed, allowing you to enter the booth first like a true gentleman before scooting right in next to you. Yuta opted for the seat at the very end as usual, so he could sneak off to smoke without bothering any of friends every couple of minutes. The position also gave him a clear view of you and Jeno who were snuggled up in the corner already lost in your own private conversation.

“Beer ?” Johnny nudged Yuta, snapping him out of his fixation. Yuta nodded and slumped back in his seat trying his best to focus on whatever Renjun and Yangyang were talking about. It’s not like him to feel this way. Usually by now he’d be seated next to you, annoying the shit out of you until he saw those pretty eyes glare at him with rage. Then after you’d have a few drinks you’d be leaning on his shoulder, playing with his rings until he offered to take you home, and then-

“To Jeno!” Lucas yelled, lifting up a shot glass of God knows what and rallied everyone to join in on his toast.

“To Jeno” you grinned leaning into Jeno’s side and clinked glasses with him. Jeno felt warm, comforting, he made it so easy for you to just enjoy having him around rather than it being a task. That’s what a healthy relationship was like wasn’t it ?

“Jeno Im glad and also sorry that you have to join the most annoying group of people ever” Doyoung half smiled and Taeyong waved his hand, “we’re not that annoying Jeno I promise” the pink haired boy reassured him despite Renjun and Ten agreeing with Doyoung’s words. Jeno just laughed it off and turned to you with a bright smile as he draped his arm over your shoulder,

“Kinda feels like fate that I bumped into you huh?”

You know he may have been joking but Jeno was really unaware that his presence really was the antidote to getting rid of the Yuta situation. The team loved him, he was someone you knew and could trust, it was all right there for you, written on paper. Nothing could possibly go wrong… right ?

“Fourth round is on me” Taeyong held up his card to the waitress despite his tired eyes were quite evident. Everyone was well over tipsy and Lucas had already entertained the bar with his beautiful rendition of “Starboy” by The Weeknd and Johnny stepped in as his air guitar player in the back.

“Gotta go to the bathroom!” You whined while Jeno helped you to your feet as you pushed your way past a sleeping Renjun and a spaced out Sungchan. You could tell tonight was going to take a toll on everyone tomorrow morning.

You quickly exited to the back where the bathrooms were located. You walked down the dim hallway, mentally thanking yourself for not overdoing it with the alcohol as each step became darker and darker.

“Watch your step” someone said and you turned around to see Yuta leaning over a railing with a cigarette sticking out of his mouth.

“Yeah” you managed to say and entered the bathroom before he could say anything else. The lack of alcohol didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts of Yuta filling your mind as you stopped to wash your hands. All you could think about was if he was going to be there when you walked back. Was he going to say anything ? Was he going to do anything ?

Were you going to do anything ?

You stepped outside, head a little more muddled than when you walked in and your first question was answered, Yuta was still there leaning up against the wall looking ahead of him. You slowly began your journey back, keeping your head down to avoid any type of confrontation with him.

“Y/n….” He mumbled, reaching out until he had a grip on your wrist causing your eyes to look up at him. Why did he look so goddamn breathtaking right now, with his stupid black hair all messy and his eyes luring you in like a lion to it’s prey.

“W-what ?” You replied, unsure why you still allowed him to hold you or even have the nerve to stop you from getting back to the rest of your friends. Yuta pushed himself off the wall and turned your body so you were now pressed against the concrete and his body was pressed against you. Your breathing hitched as he ran his fingers lightly down your arms. His eyes concentrated on his movements while yours focused on his face, watching him bite down on his lip as he took in the position the two of you were now in.

“You remember a few weeks back and I had you up against this wall moaning my name ?” His voice was so low that it aroused you, making you mentally curse yourself for the lewd thoughts.

“Yuta…” you sighed but there was a hint of desperation in your voice surprising yourself but not really phasing Yuta at all.

“Yeah just like that” he hummed before pressing his lips to your jaw, and peppered kisses all the way down to your neck. You felt yourself willingly giving him access, melting into every kiss he placed on your warm skin. Yuta’s hands grabbed your waist and pinned you against the wall while your hands instinctively wrapped around his neck and into the soft tufts of his hair.

“Yuta…we shouldn’t…I shouldn’t” you breathed, feeling yourself pulling him closer instead of pushing him away.

“Tell me no and I’ll stop y/n '' Yuta said into your ear to which you responded by pulling him by his belt buckle and pushed yourself up to capture his lips. Yuta’s dominance finally showed when he slipped his leg in between yours, giving you the chance to gain a bit of friction your core so desperately desired at this point. You felt Yuta’s smirk in your kiss when you began grinding down on his thigh showing him the obedient whore you were for him. Nothing Yuta loved more was for you to beg for him, beg for his touch, need him. That was until the two of you heard footsteps and to your dismay it was the last person you’d ever want to see you trapped against a wall with the man you hated.

It was Lee Jeno.

“I’m sorry I - I’m sorry I’ll leave you guys alone-“ Jeno stumbled, he felt his cheeks heat up and made his quick exit out of the hallway.

“Jeno!” You called, pushing Yuta off and tried to neaten yourself. Yuta felt a heated sensation overcoming his body the moment he saw the look in your eye when you saw Jeno and the way you pushed him off like he was a piece of trash. Like he was nothing.

“You know maybe if you’d stop pretending like you don’t wanna fuck me then we can go back to normal” Yuta spat, not caring about the unfortunate situation that had just unfolded.

You turned around to face him and the next words that came out of your mouth you weren’t sure if you were going to regret it or not.

“You’re right Yuta that’s all you are to me and that’s all you ever will be, a good fuck for about an hour and that’s it. Other than that there’s no use for you. At all.”

You stormed away before Yuta could respond, but by now you would have heard his curses echoing throughout the hallway, the whole damn bar would’ve heard it. But there was nothing.

Absolute silence.

———————————————————————

It had been two weeks since the interaction with Yuta at the bar and what you had to him still resonated with you, wanting so badly to apologize. But each time you saw him at the office he paid you little to no attention, going on about his day peacefully and you didn’t want to interrupt that.

Jeno thankfully understood the situation and was more than willing to be the rebound guy, his only rule being that besides work related matters you needed to cut off communication with Yuta altogether.

‘It was the only way you’d get full closure and my mind would be at peace’ Jeno had said after you gave him the rundown of everything that had happened.

Jeno and you agreed to just casually date, nothing official and nothing too serious. You guys went on movie dates, cafe dates and kept the physical aspect to a minimum. It was simple. Laidback. A very normal form of dating.

“Y/n I’m gonna need you on a photo shoot set in a few hours” Taeyong peeped his head into your cubicle and you looked up at him with a frown, “I thought we were working on that rappers record party ?”

“Yeah that rapper wants you, Yangyang and Yuta to tag up the wall for a video segment of his photo shoot” Taeyong replied with a shrug and left you bewildered.

Yuta. From all the damn people he could’ve chosen you had to work beside the person who practically called trash in your last meeting.

Great.

You wrapped up the last of your work and headed downstairs to the parking lot where an Uber was waiting for you. Thankfully Yangyang could talk anyone’s head off because just sitting next to Yuta during the car ride felt tense. Normally he’d be pushing you into Yangyang or commenting on how his tattoos were better than yours. But all he did was look out of the window watching as the buildings moved past, keeping his airpods in to avoid any type of communication with anyone.

“You guys are finally here! Good Mark Lee is waiting for you at the shoot location” a woman dressed in all black led you into what looked like a gymnasium turned into a giant canvas.

“Are we going to paint all of this ? Man this is going to take forever” Yangyang gasped as the three of you walked through cans of paint, staff members and models.

“You guys are the designers from black space who did that painting over at Jynx Club ?” A young guy approached who you quickly realized was the new hot rapper around town, Mark Lee.

“Uh yeah, that’s us” you chuckled shyly and looked around, “are we really doing up the entire room ?”

“Oh hell nah just the backdrop behind me” Mark waved his hand, “we just laid everything out for a few cgi effects but you guys, do ya thing over there!” You watched the hyped boy get called over by the director leaving the three of you faced with a gigantic piece of white board and no idea.

“Since you guys are uncultured and probably don’t listen to Mark Lee, let me be in charge of this piece” Yangyang pulled out his iPad and began scrolling through some of his sketches. “Be my guest” Yuta shrugged, completely disinterested in the topic and most likely just wanted to get done and go home.

Yangyang finally settled on something that utilized all three of your styles and you all put on your white overalls, immediately getting to work.

The vibe of the whole job was quite chilled and because of the fumes most of the staff had left the gymnasium leaving the three of you to work in peace. “God I need to pee so bad,” Yangyang groaned as he dangled from a ladder, an aerosol can in hand and a nearly completed section in his corner.

“Dude take a break we’re way behind you anyway” you walked over to steady the ladder as Yangyang finally made his way down. “Thanks guys, be back in 20” he shot you a thumbs up and disappeared into the tunnel leading to the gym lockers.

The tension returned but it was somehow worse than ever before. Even though Yuta was minding his own business for the first time while retrieving a paintbrush he looked at you. There was no unsettling glare or the feeling that he was pissed off at you, he just looked at you like he’d look at anyone else.

And somehow that felt even worse.

“Yuta…do you mind if we talk for a bit” you cleared your throat and he looked over at you and removed one of his airpods signaling to you that he was listening.

“Okay Uhm well I want to apologize for what I said that night” you bit down on your lip, “I didn’t mean it, and it was selfish of me to even think of you like that after coming onto you in the first place.”

Yuta blinked and eventually just nodded, “apology accepted, and I can see that you like Jeno so I’m trying to stay out of the way” he shrugged and continued painting as if this conversation wasn’t that deep to begin with.

“Are you not going to get me back? Are you sure you’re Yuta ?” You raised a brow and Yuta’s manic laugh echoed throughout the gymnasium, “you want me to be mean to you ? Wow y/n that’s truly some kink you got there”

“Ugh you know what I mean” you shoved him playfully, unaware that the brush you were wearing was still wet and now Yuta’s jaw adorned a light shade of orange.

“Oh shit I’m sorry” you quickly said but Yuta had already responded by swiping his red painted fingertips across your cheek and smirked, “now we’re even.”

“Hey mine is way worse than yours!” You grumbled and flicked more paint at Yuta which then enabled a paint war between the two of you. Yuta giggled so much that for a second you forgot how silent he actually had been the past two weeks. He was back to his usual self and so were you, playfully making a mess with him until Yangyang emerged from the tunnel and yelled, “What are you morons doing ?!”

You and Yuta stood still in the middle of the room both covered head to toe in paint but the scene was way too comical to hold in your laughter any longer.

“Yangyang we’re so sorry but look, it gave the canvas a little more color” you gestured to it and you weren’t lying, it actually did look a lot better than before.

“Fine you two can go on break, I'll finish up so we’re not sitting around until midnight” Yangyang huffed and returned to his masterpiece. “Is there a place to clean up here ?” Yuta asked and the woman from earlier on walked in and pointed to the tunnel located in the back of the gym, “there are bathrooms and showers back there, our crew provided fresh towels as well so go ahead” she smiled and you silently thanked her before heading to the tunnel with Yuta.

“God I have paint everywhere” you whined as you took a look at yourself in the mirror. Yuta chuckled as he began inspecting himself, looking at the peculiar fingerprints all over his face and neck. “This shit better not stain my skin” he grumbled as he picked away a piece of paint from a crevice in his ear. “Tell me about it” you responded and began removing the overalls. All you could think of was jumping into that shower stall and allowing the hot water to melt away all the grime and paint when you noticed Yuta was already down to his boxers.

Your gasp made Yuta snicker to himself as he walked around the bathroom looking for the ideal stall to take his shower in.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before” you heard him say before hopping into one of the stalls and drawing the curtain. Despite his words being correct it still made your cheeks heat up with embarrassment. You guys were comfortable like this before, not now, not with Jeno in your life.

You shook your head and entered a stall opposite Yuta and a few rows down, just so you weren’t close to him but not far enough that made you feel alone.

“Fuck how is their paint on my ass ? That’s impossible!” Yuta groaned and you couldn’t help but laugh, “TMI, Yuta” you replied and Yuta scoffed, “says the person who’s responsible for this.” The banter ended and again all you heard was the sound of both showers hitting your bodies simultaneously, the air filled with steam and more unusual tension.

“Y/n ?”

“Yeah?”

Yuta was silent for a while and then you heard his water turn off. “Do you uhm mind checking if I got all the paint off my back ? I’ll uhm put my boxers on” he mumbled and you felt your heartbeat speed up.

First of all the Yuta you knew would’ve just walked over butt ass naked and pulled your curtain aside not caring at all. The way he acted now was out of character, but somewhat familiar.

“Yuta I’m still in the shower and naked” you chewed on the inside of your cheek while you waited in silence.

“I’ll close my eyes, I just don’t want this shit to dry up when we get back to work later” he replied and you heard his light footsteps coming toward you. Quickly moving your hair back and holding the curtain against your body, you slowly peeled back the material to reveal Yuta with his back facing you and with his eyes closed, like he said.

You peered down at his golden skin, taking in his broad shoulders and tiny waist as you inspected for any more signs of acrylic paint.

“Uhm yeah you have a little on your shoulder blade and lower back”

“Do…you mind…”

You bit down on your lip knowing this was already crossing the line. But you had just made up and it was your fault that he had paint on his back in the first place. It was innocent. That’s what you had to keep telling yourself while staring at one of the sexiest people you had ever met.

You began rubbing away pieces of the paint, ignoring Yuta’s whines when you used too much pressure. Your hands traced down to his lower back, settling in the dip as you tried to remove a very stubborn piece of paint.

“Ugh this one is not coming off” you scratched at it and to your surprise Yuta had let out a moan instead of the usual wincing.

“I don’t mean to kink shame but-“

Yuta spun around and glared at you, challenging you to finish your sentence but you were more concerned at the fact that the only thing protecting your nude body from Yuta right now was a thin piece of fabric.

“Yuta!” You scolded and he rolled his eyes, “oh please y/n I’ve seen it all, now can you please help me with the paint ?”

You watched wide eyed as Yuta stepped into the shower going back on his word to close his eyes and face the wall. You couldn’t believe what was happening right now but the quicker you removed the paint the quicker he’d be out of here.

“Aren’t your boxers…going to get wet ?” You watched him step closer to water already allowing his hair to soak up the warm stream. “Well you’re not gonna let me take them off with you in here and I’ll probably just go commando when we get back to the office” Yuta shrugged and you should’ve known that was one of his options since he has done it in the past.

You sighed and let go of the curtain allowing your naked body to be free and go back to work on his paint splatter. Yuta was calm and collected throughout the process, you silently commended him on his restraint, that was until he decided to turn around and look at you.

“Y-Yuta you promised” your voice was small but you still didn’t do much to cover up your body. Yuta leaned against the cold ceramic wall as he stared at you, his stare was dark, inviting you in like that night at the bar.

“I’m not going to do anything y/n unless you want me to” he reassured you, still maintaining a distance and doing absolutely nothing to persuade you. But did you need persuasion when all he needed to do was be in the same room as you?

The two of you stared in each other’s eyes for a few minutes and you had no idea who actually made the first move but there you were in the center of the shower stall, in a random gymnasium, kissing Yuta Nakamoto.

Yuta’s bare body was pressed against yours as the two of you fought for dominance in the kiss. You placed your hands on his chest to which he responded by wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you closer until his hardened member twitched against your stomach. There were no words, just actions. Each kiss only made you more desperate for him, not feeling this type of arousal since that night at the bar. He was the only person who could turn you on to the point that every image of Jeno was erased from your mind.

You tugged down his boxers with urgency and Yuta helped you quicken the process, quickly kicking away the piece of clothing and had you pushed up against the wall with your legs wrapped around his waist. Yuta pulled away from your lips with a sultry bite on your bottom lip and lined up his member with your core. He kept his eyes on you the entire time from the moment he slipped into your wetness to the harsh thrusts he was now giving to you against the coldness of the wall. You felt like you were complete, filled with the right amount of passion and ecstasy. God you hated to admit it but nobody could fuck you the way Yuta did. Absolutely no one.

Yuta slowed down his thrusts and you brought your feet back to the ground, gesturing for him to take a seat on the floor and got on top of his member once more. Yuta threw his head back as you rode him relentlessly, grabbing onto your ass as he tried to meet your rhythm. The sight of him partially under the water and his swollen lips was delicious, you couldn’t ask for a better view right now. Yuta on the hand was also enjoying having you bounce on his length, quickly realizing that the women he had bedded during his time without you were not worth it. Not a single one of them made him feel the way you did. Even the times you guys were fucking around he’d sleep with other women because he didn’t want to admit that you are his best. You will always be his best.

“G-gonna cum” you panted and Yuta quickly rubbed circles on your clit to help you reach your orgasm. He watched your body spasm and you threw your head back with a soft moan. The sight alone made him come undone straight after you, filling you up completely.

You slowly got to your feet with the help of Yuta offering his hand and managed to finally catch your breath.

What the fuck did you just do ?

“Before you say this was a mistake and you hate me, hear me out” Yuta spoke up, “I need to know something”

You bit down on your lip. “Yeah?”

“Do you like me ?”

“What ?” You quietly questioned and Yuta sighed, rubbing his temples, “do you like me y/n ? actually like me ? Or is it you just like fucking me ?”

“I don’t know Yuta you know that I’m seeing Je-“you began explaining before Yuta quickly cut you off. “Don’t say his name, listen I know you like fucking me because that’s what happened right now despite whatever feelings you have for…Jen..him.”

“So what am I supposed to do ?” You asked, still unsure of how you were even going to face Jeno back at the office after this.

“Use me,” Yuta deadpanned, “keep me as your dirty little secret and I won’t tell a soul. I just don’t want this to end. I’m fucking addicted to this, and clearly you’re in need of me just as much as I need you.”

Yuta took a step forward and cupped your cheek with the palm of his hand. “I just crave you all goddamn day and nothing is fulfilling that need until right now.”

You knew exactly what he was talking about but you couldn’t bring yourself to share how much you ached for him. Late nights when you were alone you even pleased yourself with memories of him. You were unsure if it was lust at this point or you actually missed being around him. Despite every fight and argument the two of you had, there was something always drawing you in.

“First of all I don’t hate you” you sighed and he chuckled dryly before you continued, “I don’t know if this is a good idea but I’m only agreeing because Jeno and I aren’t serious yet and if we are-“

“I’ll back off I promise” Yuta quickly added and you nodded, “he can’t know about this, nobody can.”

“You have my word” Yuta pressed his lips together and for the first time he looked absolutely serious. Something in you made you trust that he wouldn’t fuck this up, because that would mean the one thing he wanted most right now would fall through.

You just hoped that this little need the two of you had for each other wasn’t turning into an…obsession.

————————————————————————-

“You guys are finally back” Ten stretched his arms above his head as you, Yangyang and Yuta returned back to the office after quite an eventful afternoon.

“Wanna see pics ? It turned out great!” Yangyang grinned quickly, running over to the older guys, showing off his artwork. Jeno was over at the game area with Sungchan completely invested in beating his friend in a round of Call Of Duty.

“Hey you” you sunk into the beanbag next to Jeno who shot you a quick glance before concentrating on his next move, “your hairs wet, why ?”

“Showered after the painting session” you answered diligently hoping there were no follow up questions. Thankfully he was way too invested in his video game to care much, you really weren't in the mood for an interrogation after half a day with Yuta.

Jeno asked a lot of questions when he felt insecure about something. Even though time had been short with him, it still somehow felt like a 2 year relationship. For a young guy Jeno was pretty old fashioned, he made you pick all the date places and never bothered to make the first move physically until you hinted to him that it was okay.

He was so different to what you were used to and you were afraid that if you didn’t speed things up with him this little secret with Yuta would turn into a reality.

“Hey y/n can you help me with lunch ?” Doyoung called from the makeshift kitchen area a few feet away and you silently thanked him for distracting you from your thoughts.

“Hey Doyoung” you smiled as you began opening containers from the Chinese delivery you guys frequented. “Just wanted to check in with you” Doyoung sweetly said as he grabbed a few utensils, “you and Jeno huh ? Was that part of my advice ?”

You pressed your lips together and nodded. “Yeah I guess so, it also helps that I’ve known him for a while now and he did actually have a thing for me in high school” Doyoung cocked his head at your words and leaned in, “and you liked him back or you’re seeing something in him now that you didn’t see before ?”

“U-uhm I think he’s hot” you chewed on your lip and Doyoung chuckled softly, “you know not everything is about looks or…hooking up, do you enjoy his time ? His interests ? His company ?”

You turned back to where Jeno was still playing his video games and you did feel a little confused as to what you guys actually did have in common. “I mean…” you began, crossing your arms across your chest, “we’ve only been seeing each other romantically for two weeks I think it’s too soon to tell.”

Doyoung combed back his hair and instead of bringing forth his insight in order to make you see things clearer he just nodded.

“You’re probably right, well I wish you guys all the best, it’s better than being with someone who doesn’t care emotionally right ?”

You slowly nodded and with that Doyoung began taking the food to the dining area leaving you with more confusing thoughts than you had before.

Lunch and the rest of the evening went on smoothly. Yuta stayed out of your way and there was absolutely no sign that the two of you we’re together that day. It was easier to fake seeing Yuta since the group knew the two of you would’ve been bickering straight after hooking up. It was the perfect illusion.

“Mark Lee’s party is at 9pm tomorrow night you guys, don’t forget” Taeyong looked around the room until he heard a confirmation from every single mouth.

“9pm ? Shit would it be okay if I only stuck around for an hour ?” Jeno sighed and looked over at Taeyong, “my brothers in town and I promised I'd get him from the airport at 10:30.”

“Well you’d have to show one of the guys here how to turn the installation on” Doyoung’s worried look matched Taeyong.

“I’ll be there to turn it on I’ll just need to leave straight after” Jeno assured them and squeezed your hand under the table, “it’s all really sudden but you’ll be okay right ?”

“I’ll be fine, I’m probably going to head home after the music video airing anyway” you smiled at him and he placed a soft kiss on your forehead earning a whistle from Lucas.

Yuta awkwardly shuffled at the sudden PDA and he hoped no one at the table noticed but it caught the attention of none other than Johnny Suh who narrowed his eyes at his coffee run mate.

The evening had wrapped up and everyone had already headed home except for Yuta and Johnny who were adamant on finishing a photography project for a band they were working with.

“Trouble in paradise ?” Johnny hummed as he edited an image on his laptop. Yuta, who was busy sorting out the Polaroids, turned to face his large best friend with a lost expression.

“Huh?” He raised a brow to which Johnny shook his head still staring at his screen.

“I can’t believe this, after all these fucking hellish months now you realize you like her?”

Yuta leaned in on the desk. “What the heck are you on about Johnny ?”

“Y/n” Johnny sighed and your name made Yuta’s heart race a bit, hoping Johnny hadn’t found out about the shower incident. God you’d hate him forever if anyone found out.

“Listen Johnny we-“

“You like her! After all those months of fighting I knew you were secretly in love and now” Johnny threw his hands in the air, “now that Jeno has entered the arena you have ruined your chances. Way to go buddy.”

“Wait what ?! I’m not in love with y/n!” Yuta scoffed. Saying that sentence out loud felt like a lie even though he couldn’t fully convince himself. Was he in love ? Was Johnny mistaking love for just lust ?

That’s all it was and ever was right ?

You enjoyed fucking around with him and he was okay with it. That’s what he wanted too. Even if you didn’t answer his question of whether you liked him or not, it was okay. Whatever you wanted was okay as long he got to be with you.

“I’m not in love with y/n.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Jeno arrived at the party with Yangyang and Sungchan all helping carry equipment for Jeno’s installation. The piece was a pixel art board that formed Mark Lee’s latest EP cover, and once plugged in it gave it an animated effect, basically bringing the EP cover to life. You marvelled at the hard work Jeno had put in, it was just a shame that he wasn't sticking around to receive praise from everyone who attended.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay here ? I know how much you hate these parties” Jeno pressed his lips together as he brought you into a tight hug. You hummed and looked up at him smiling, “Only been dragged to one of these parties a million times, another round won't hurt.” Jeno responded by pressing his lips to your forehead before joining Sungchan in setting up the installation. You always wondered why Jeno opted for your forehead instead of your lips most of the time despite already having your first real kiss. You understood he wasn't big on PDA, but the only time you ever got to kiss him was at your apartment door when a date had ended or when you sneaked in a kiss at the cinema. As much as you liked his chivalry, God at times you just wished he took initiative and bent you over your kitchen counter and had his way with you. It was kinda humorous how Jeno was the ideal type of any women out there but for you, you needed an unhinged, sex-crazed maniac to match your energy.

You needed Yu-

“It looks really good Jeno.” Your breathing hitched when you heard Yuta’s voice from behind you. You turned around but to your surprise he wasn't alone. Yuta was accompanied by a familiar face, Mei, a part-time designer from a few floors down. The way she held onto his arm made something stir inside of you. Your cheeks burned up and you dare say it for the first time you felt...jealous.

You were used to seeing Yuta with many different girls but it was always some nobody that he never bothered to introduce to the group. He always made sure none of them integrated with his work life but Mei, Mei was the first person you actually knew.

“y/n its been a while, Oh my God you look great” she said sweetly and you returned a friendly smile despite your awkwardness. Yuta gave you a quick glance not really paying you any mind as he kept a steady hand on Mei’s lower back, the two of them practically looking like a couple. It made you feel uneasy. After all he had said to you that afternoon in the shower, It seemed like he didn't mean it.

“It’s perfect Jeno you really outdid yourself” Taeyong applauded as the rest of the team finally arrived, all congratulating Jeno on his first big project under Blank Space. Jeno shyly thanked everyone and checked his watch, sighing that it was already time for him to depart.

“You're going now ?” You walked over to wrap your arms around his waist. You didn't care much before about Jeno leaving early, before Yuta decided to bring a date to the party which meant you would definitely be on your own. Jeno pouted and stroked your head, “yeah, we're still on for Sunday though right ?” and you replied with a nod before sinking into one of his very warm hugs. You had no idea why, but the need to ease your jealousy and get back at Yuta was so strong that you ended up pulling out of the hug and kissed Jeno in front of everyone. Thankfully Jeno didn't shy away and maybe the guilt of leaving you made him return the kiss, wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you against your body.

“Get a room you guys” Ten joked when the two of you finally pulled away, and Jeno chuckled shyly before leaning into your ear, “let’s do that more often” he cheekily smiled and pecked your lips once more before making his way to the exit. Johnny watched as Yuta still looked visibly uncomfortable, more so now than before. But Johnny also knew how damn stubborn Yuta was and watched him throw his arm around Mei, departing from the group most likely for the rest of the night.

It was late into the night and Yuta was already way too many shots down to call himself sober. Mei was talking but he was not listening. Mei was a nice girl who had made it known to him that she liked him for a while now, but unfortunately for her she was not you. All Yuta wanted was you and again he cursed himself for being so fucking hooked. He wanted to make you jealous but after he saw you kiss Jeno it just came back to him ten thousand times harder. He came to terms with his addiction now in his drunken state he was scanning the crowd for a glimpse of the only person he cared about.

You.

“Hey I'm going to leave now...do you want to come with ?” Mei nervously bit down on her lip hoping the man she's been pining for months will finally take notice of her.

“Nah im good, I’m probably going to wait until my friends leave” Yuta replied coldly, his eyes still scanning the crowd as he took another sip from his jack daniels and coca-cola concoction. Mei nodded, disappointed that her night had not gone as planned and left silently, leaving her date to finally gain his freedom.

Yuta scanned the crowd for the tenth time until he did a double take at a figure in the back corner, dancing on their own with no care in the world. Downing the rest of his drink Yuta kept his eyes focused on you despite the alcohol blurring his vision and his body feeling heavy, he had to get to you.

You were in the same state as him, most likely worse since Lucas challenged you to a drink off. You had no clue when you separated from the rest of the group so you stuck a little corner hoping to sober up before heading home. As you swayed along to the music you felt someone wrap their hands around your waist and the familiar scent of that Tom Ford perfume made you realize who it was.

“Yuta…” you groaned, pulling his hands away from your body, still remembering how awful he made you feel a few hours earlier. God were you the rebound chick now ? The thought alone was sickening.

Yuta, still blissfully unaware that you were mad at him, still pushed his body against yours until your back was pressed against the wall and you had no choice but to look up at him. You watched him move his face down in order to capture your lips, but you quickly evaded it with a turn of your head. Yuta scoffed and sufficed for your neck, giving you soft wet kisses all the way down to your collarbones until you pushed him off yet again.

“What the fuck ?” He growled in your ear, “I thought we had a deal.” You rolled your eyes at him, there was the side of Yuta you hated the most. You wondered how long it would be until he factory reseted back to an asshole.

“I thought I was first choice” you snapped at him, “all your talk about no one can satisfy you like I can, use me y/n, I only want you” you mimicked his voice and flipped him off with your finger. Yuta knew you were jealous but it was kind of ironic given the situation. You were the one in a relationship, not him. “Oh so I'm supposed to see you suck face with Jeno but I can't have any fun y/n ?” Yuta had you back against the wall, this time his hand was locked on your jaw with his lips against your ear.

“Maybe I should've fucked Mei” Yuta’s voice was dark, you felt him smirk against your ear when his words clearly affected you, “Maybe if I fucked her she would've been so good that i would forget all about you y/n.” Your eyes darted to him and he cocked his head, challenging you, waiting to see how much you could take before you caved. Normally you’d be the one getting Yuta riled up like this. It was common knowledge that Yuta was a very jealous person and just mentioning another man sexually he would lose his mind. Once you were craving his attention and casually mentioned to him that if Doyoung was interested you’d let him screw you on his office desk, and Yuta responded by fucking you senseless in the supply closet until the only name that escaped your lips was his.

But now the tables were turned and you didn't want to hear about Mei. You didn't want to picture her next to Yuta let alone in bed with him. It was selfish on your part considering Jeno, but you wanted Yuta all to yourself.

“Shut up” you narrowed your eyes at him and grabbed a fist full of his shirt and brought him closer. Yuta traced his thumb over your lips and smiled, already knowing he won this round.

“Tell me why I cant fuck her right now y/n, tell me” he coaxed, and you responded by pulling him into a sensual kiss, your tongue slipping into his mouth and your hand palming his member until you heard him groan in your ear,

You pulled away from the kiss and pressed your swollen lips to his ear, “Because...you're mine.” Yuta licked his own lips at your words and grabbed at your ass,

“Show me I'm yours, baby.”

You had no idea when and how the both of you got to Yuta’s apartment in one piece but the moment he had his foot in the door, Yuta was tugging your dress over your head. “Fuck why do you always wear the most complicated things” Yuta whined which you found cute even though you would never let him know that you were well aware of his adorable side. Sighing from victory, Yuta finally got your dress off and pulled you into his familiar bedroom, which you honestly missed so fucking much.

Taking in the familiar scent of his perfume and his slightly messy room, with posters on the walls, and a rack of band shirts - it was his little heaven and you loved it.

You walked over to lie on his bed, sinking into the soft fabric of the bed sheets as a familiar rock song began playing from Yuta’s stereo. You watched him as he discarded his shirt and ripped jeans, showing off his chest tattoos and belly ring, just the sight of him was already making you wet. Yuta was none the better, groaning as his boner pushed against the fabric of his underwear as his eyes took in your body, sexily laid out for him like you used to be.

“Fuck…” his lips parted as he watched you spread your legs, waiting for him obediently. Yuta crawled up onto the bed and nestled in between your thighs, his mischievous eyes looking up at yours before he began peeling away the thin piece of fabric revealing your core.

“You're…so…wet baby” he said in a low voice and leaned in to give your heat a soft kiss. The instant contact made your body shiver, reaching down to play with his dark curls. “Yuta…please” you whined as he continued his light kisses, not giving you the pressure you desired. Yuta looked up with an innocent face and cocked his head, “Why should I do it ?” His fingers traced circles on your hips and abdomen, waiting for an answer.

“Because…you’re mine Yuta, I want you…all to myself…I want to please me, only me” you threw your head back. Not having sex for over a month was really getting to you and the frustration had you saying just about anything. Yuta watched you squirm and after hearing those words he figured it was a good enough reward for his dear fuck-buddy. Yuta kissed your core once more but this time his tongue darted out every once in a while, awarding you with a better sensation. You moaned inaudible words as he began eating you out like a pro, lapping away like his life depended on it before inserting two fingers inside you.

“Yuta wait I’m gonna-“ you grabbed onto his hair, feeling your orgasm come on way too early for your liking as his fingers moved rapidly and his tongue licked away at your clit. Yuta ignored your plea knowing this was only the first of many and honestly he was glad that he was still the only man giving you orgasms for the past couple of months.

Yuta pulled away, a devilish smirk spread across his face as he watched you cum all over his fingers and just as your vision was in focus you had the pleasure of seeing him lick his fingers clean as if he just had the most amazing meal ever,

“Mmmm tasty” he bit down on his lip and winked at you. God he was so damn cocky, and it didn’t take you long to recover from that orgasm to make room for another. You got to your knees and sat back, your face now level with Yuta’s clothed member.

Yuta groaned as you palmed him, his length already twitching against your touch. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone but since the night you had called it off with him, his desire had subsided and he wondered if you were the sole reason for his high sex drive. You placed your lips against his belly ring, giving it a kiss before pulling down his boxers and allowing his member to spring free. Yuta cursed as your tongue swiped across the tip and you looked up at him with those large eyes, and Yuta knew exactly what you were waiting for. Positioning your mouth over his tip, you waited until Yuta grabbed a fistful of your hair and guided you down on his length, groaning loudly as you took in all of him.

Yuta’s hips began to meet your rhythm and the grip on your hair tightened, the sudden roughness made you shiver with excitement. You and Yuta always liked it rough, since it took out your anger on each other and any type of nurturing or romance would throw off the dynamic.

Yuta threw his head back as he released, keeping you on him until you swallowed every bit. He muttered curse words as he pulled out and watched you lick your lips, swiping the corner of your mouth with your thumb and sucked it off.

“Yum” you mimicked his words from earlier with a smirk essentially driving Yuta crazy with lust. You giggled as he pushed you onto the bed and attacked you with bites and kisses, leading from your neck down to the valley of your breasts. “How long until you get hard again?” You sighed playfully but winced when Yuta’s teeth sunk into your skin, punishing you for your words.

“Cocky aren’t we ?” He moved back up to your lips and kissed you passionately. Just as you began melting into the kiss, Yuta pulled away and jumped off his bed heading to his closet.

“What are you doing ?” You groaned as you watched him sift through the mess of his closet until he finally retrieved a familiar box. “Yuta you’re literally hard right now, come on let’s just fuck already” you whined, knowing that when Yuta brought out that box it was his way of getting rid of your bratty attitude.

“If you wanna be impatient two can play at that game” he grinned and hopped onto the bed, pulling out his favorite pair of hair cuffs and with ease, cuffed you to his headboard. You watched him look through his box of toys, rubbing your thighs together excited about what his choice will be.

Yuta grabbed something out of the box and discarded the rest onto the floor, making his way back up to your body and pressed his lips against your ear, “you remember the safe word baby ?” Yuta pecked you when you nodded and you watched him insert a mini vibrator in your core and roll off the bed with the remote in his hand.

“I wasn’t even that mean to you” you grumbled, still getting used to the device inserted in you. Yuta shrugged and turned the device on, keeping it on a low setting as he watched you stir in his bed.

“I’m not punishing you for that actually, I’m punishing you for something else you did” he said calmly, pacing around the room butt ass naked. You frowned and thought back to the party when he had found you, what did you say to him ?

“I’m sorry I pushed you…away” you pouted but a moan escaped your lips when you felt the setting turn higher and you watched Yuta shake his head, “nope that’s not it.” You groaned and threw your head back, unable to even think what the hell he could be on about. Yuta would get mad at every little thing so it honestly could’ve been anything.

“Can’t I have a hint or something ?” You pleaded and Yuta raised his eyebrow and eventually sighed, giving in too easily. “It happened in the beginning at the party” he said annoyingly, and finally something in your brain clicked.

“The kiss ? You’re mad over the kiss ?” Your words fell off when you felt the vibrator go another setting higher, the new speed was decent enough to start building a second orgasm. “You don’t sound like you’re apologizing for it” Yuta scoffed and dangled the remote in front of your face, “this goes up 4 more speeds y/n.”

“Why do I need to apologize for kissing my boyfriend when-“

Another setting higher.

“Fuck wait Yuta” you breathed, it was impossible to even keep focused at the new speed and the sensation was now running throughout your entire body. “You kissed him in front of me to make me jealous didn't you?” Yuta questioned and you nodded frantically, pressing your thighs together to ease the intensity, “yes yes oh my God, I wanted to make you….jealous because you brought someone else…and..fuck” just as you felt your body finally build up a perfect orgasm the vibrator suddenly turned off and you were met with Yuta’s cocky smile.

“You like to have it all don’t you y/n” he hummed as flung the remote aside and knelt between your thighs that were shaking from the orgasm denial. “You want to fuck me, but not let me fuck anyone else, you want Jeno but you don’t want me to get mad over it” he continued as he pulled the dripping wet toy out of your core and tossed it to the floor. Yuta placed his hands on either side of you and looked down at your defeated face and smiled, “Do you want me to fuck someone else?”

You shook your head and Yuta undid one of the handcuffs. He pressed a soft kiss to your cheek and again asked you another question, “Do you want to fuck me ?” and you quickly nodded, earning your second hand free from the cuffs allowing them to fall to your sides. Yuta placed his hand around your throat and squeezed gently, smirking as you arched your back, thirsting for him so desperately.

“Who would fuck you better, me or Jeno ?” Yuta mused as his hand released a bit of pressure on your throat. “Y-you” your voice was small and Yuta released your throat and his hand moved down to smack your thigh.

“Say it, say who will fuck you better” he hissed.

“You Yuta, you will fuck me better than anyone…better than Jeno” Yuta grinned at your words, a little surprised that you used Jeno’s name in such a blasphemous way. He was in euphoria at this point. It was all he needed to hear after continuously seeing you and Jeno look as if you were in love with each other.

It was all wrong.

You and him loved each other.

Fuck. He loved you. He really did.

Yuta pushed his length into your core and groaned as the realization of his thoughts and his conversation with Johnny all hit him at once. The sight of you beneath him, moaning his name and your confession that you wanted him over Jeno. It was all too much.

You moaned as he thrusted into you, his hips violently hitting against yours as your nails dug into his lower back. The lewd sounds filled the room and for a second the two of you looked into each other’s eyes, both feeling something…different. Usually Yuta would be fucking you from behind, his favourite position because he loved looking at your ass but tonight especially after his sudden questioning, he took care of you differently.

You don’t know what came over you and it was yet another thing you never did during sex but you pulled him down to kiss you. Your lips moved passionately against his, desperately clinging to his body as his strokes became longer and more powerful. Yuta sighed into the kiss, palming your cheek and his movements suddenly became more gentle as if he were making love to you, not fucking you.

“Yuta…I’m close” you moaned into his ear, loving this new feeling of him on your body. Yuta hummed in response and quickened his pace, making sure to sneak in a kiss every now and then until he finally brought you to your long awaited orgasm. You watched him bite down on his lip as he thrusted into you, chasing his own orgasm until he pressed his against your ear and said the words you never thought you’d hear from him.

“I love you y/n”

Your body slightly froze as Yuta finally came and he rolled off your body, mentally cursing himself for allowing those words to escape his mouth at this moment. But it’s what he felt.

Johnny was right.

“W-what ?” You finally managed to say and turned to him. Yuta licked his lips and kept his focus on the ceiling above him.

“You heard me right” he said calmly and you felt your heart race. Where was this coming from ? He was the one who always implemented the no romance rule and he chooses now, the moment you’re seeing someone else to confess to you.

“I have to go” you murmured and jumped off the bed, starting to collect your clothes from the floor. You heard the bed creak and Yuta sat up and watched you dress up. “It’s late now y/n and you drank, stay the night and leave when the suns up” he insisted, eventually grabbing his own boxers,

“Here you can sleep in one of my shirts and you’re welcome to sleep in my bed for the night.”

“Y-you…that was one of the rules…no staying over” you were biting on your nails, everything that had happened in the last ten minutes made no sense. Yuta shoved the shirt into your hands and sighed, “Look, we don’t have to talk about what I said or what happened, just stay the night and you can go back to your perfect life with Jeno.” Yuta began making his way to his door when you grabbed onto his arm making him stop in his tracks,

“Where are you going ?” You asked him softly.

Yuta looked at you and sighed, “I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

“Yuta..”

“What ?”

“Stay with me.”

—-—————————————————————

You had no idea why you had told him to stay in bed with you considering all that had happened a few minutes ago. But here you were, curled into his chest listening to his heartbeat as he lightly stroked your hair.

“How…long ?” You broke the silence and felt his heartbeat slightly race, “The realization came recently but I’ve…always liked you y/n” Yuta responded softly.

“Well you don’t have a good way of showing it” you rolled your eyes and Yuta’s soft laughter filled the room. “Well at first you actually were annoying but I did find you cute” He replied and shifted until you were on your back looking up at him,

“You put up with me and we’re not afraid to fight back. You know it’s not even about the sex, I think we’ve always enjoyed each other’s company, we just have a weird way of showing it.” You listened to his words and did a bit of reflection for yourself. You were already well aware that he occupied your mind 24/7 and did not enjoy seeing him around other girls he would eventually sleep with. But was this…love ? You weren't so sure.

“Do you ever think it’s more of an addiction rather than…love ?” You looked up at him, hoping your words did not offend his sudden confession in any way. Yuta sighed and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling deep in thought.

“What is love then ?” He murmured, clearly by the look on his face he had been pondering on this question for a while now. You joined him in laying on your back and looked up at the ceiling, “love is when the other person completes you” you began, “when you’re having a dull day and just the sight of them could turn that around. Love is wanting to protect that person all the time, it’s just love.”

Yuta turned to you, “have you ever been in love ?”

You shook your head. “I don’t think so.” Yuta shrugged and returned his focus above him, “whatever you just described is how I feel, but maybe I’m just still hung up on the Jeno situation.” You felt a pang in your chest as if you just completely destroyed his spirit. You always saw Yuta as a strong confident presence, yet the person next to you seemed lost, he looked broken. But deep down you knew that whatever he was describing had floated in your head from time to time, maybe it needed to be said out loud for you to finally realize.

“Give me a week”

“Huh ?” Yuta’s eyebrows raised at you.

“Give me a week to figure all of this out and we will have this talk again” you sat up and looked back at him. Yuta propped himself up on his elbows and shook his head, “y/n, if you don’t feel the same way it’s okay I won’t come in between you and…Jeno anymore.”

“Yuta”

“Hmm?”

You pulled the boy by his shirt until you were able to lock your lips with his, slipping your tongue into his mouth and he mimicked your actions before pulling away, a confused expression spreading across his face.

“I don’t know where this is going to go and whether we’re right for each other,” you chuckled dryly, “but I will always want you Yuta, you’re not coming between Jeno and I because the one who wants… .”

————————————————————————

It was finally Monday and you already regretted seeing Jeno at the office since you faked a terrible hangover to get out of the Sunday date, something that wasn’t entirely a lie. You spent the whole of Sunday laying in your bed thinking about the night you spent with Yuta and all that was shared during the morning.

You thought back on your own words about what your version of love was. Protecting someone. You reminisced about the days when Yuta got sick after a night out and you were the one to take care of him despite his protests. You thought back to when the two of you were working on a project, arguing as usual and you managed to slip on a wet paint spot, causing you to sprain your ankle. Yuta was the one to help you around the office when needed, he wasn’t appointed to you nor did he have to use up his own time to help you but he did it anyway.

When you were having a dull day the person you loved would find a way to brighten it up, just the sight of them was enough. There was an occasion where a client got real mean with you in the office, and hated the project you worked almost a month on, refusing to pay you for the labor you had put in. Yuta had seen the commotion and joined you in your booth and the two of you flooded the clients company with hilarious bad reviews anonymously until you were literally tearing up from laughter. That was one of the rare days the two of you didn’t get into an argument and the moment completely slipped your mind. You had forgotten that Yuta and you actually shared fond memories of each other outside the bedroom.

You thought about every moment you got to the office and Yuta would be sticking his tongue out at you, calling you names and being a jerk as usual. But days when he had to work out of the office felt boring, empty, it wasn’t worth sitting in your cubicle without seeing him across from you.

But then after feeling the warm fuzziness of knowing Yuta felt the same way about you, your phone buzzed with Jeno’s name across the screen. Why were you doing this to him ? Why was Jeno in the crossfire when all he wanted to do was get to know you better ?

All you ever wanted was a distraction from the man you were scared to fall in love with.

“Heyyy you, you feeling okay ?” Jeno beamed when you entered the office, immediately bringing you into a tight hug and ending with a kiss on the cheek. You nodded and the sense of guilt over took your body as you looked up at his cheery smile.

“I heard you guys got so wasted at the party, damn I wish I stayed” Jeno giggled as the two of you walked hand in hand over to your cubicle. “Yeah it was…crazy” you faked a smile before settling in your seat. You looked across, a force of habit and you were greeted by a soft smile from Yuta before quietly returning to his work.

“I was thinking we should go see that new marvel movie tonight, what do you think ?” Jeno’s eyes were so bright and full of energy that everytime you looked into them it just made it harder to keep up your facade. “I’m pretty busy this week but hey Friday you can come over, I…need to talk to you anyway” you bit down on your lip and Jeno’s expression changed from excited to slightly wary, clearly noticing that something wasn’t quite right.

“Is….everything okay?” He asked in a staggered voice, and you slowly nodded and reached to squeeze his hand, “yeah let’s hang out on Friday okay ?” You smiled and Jeno pressed his lips together and nodded. You watched him exit your cubicle and all that was left in your view was the only person you wanted to see today, Yuta.

Yuta looked up and caught your stare, smiling softly as he rested his chin on the palm of his hand and winked at you. It was sweet and innocent, nothing like how he usually acted from across the room. You found yourself blushing and hid your face until you heard a beep come from your phone. Opening the messenger app you were greeted by a picture of yourself hiding your crimson cheeks with the message ‘Cute’ attached to it.

y/n: didn’t take you for a simp.

yutaa: fuck off, I have a folder like this.

You stifled your laughter when Yuta sent a screenshot with a folder just of you in your cubicle. From you flipping him off, to you glaring at him clearly pissed off at something he had said, and one of you trying your best to pay attention to whatever story Yangyang was on about.

y/n: oh my god you’re a BIG SIMP.

yutaa: maybe.

y/n: well I do have ONE of you that I don’t have the heart to delete.

yutaa: oh really ?

You sent Yuta a picture you absolutely treasured of him in your bed fast asleep hugging one of your plushies. It was one of the last nights you had with him before things got sour. Normally you’d never allow him to nap in your bed after a hookup but he looked so at peace and so adorable that you decided to bend the rules a little.

yutaa: that was a good ass nap. yutaa: simp.

y/n: maybe.

The rest of the day went on and honestly you felt as if you were on cloud nine, chatting to Yuta like he was your high school crush. Smiling every time he texted back and glancing up every now and then, waiting for him to look at you with that cheeky grin. But as reality set in and Yuta’s smile faded, you were still dating another man. Who now had his arms wrapped around your waist peppering kisses all over your neck and shoulder while Yuta looked on, not being able to do a thing about it.

————————————————————————

The team decided to head out for dinner the next day, and something in Jeno had switched. After Yuta had watched him cuddle you until the day was over, you barely even got the chance to talk to Yuta face to face since Jeno offered to take you home. He was being suspiciously clingy and you wondered if he suspected anything.

“You’re okay with sharing a pasta and plate of fries ?” Jeno smiled over at you, one hand rubbing your waist and the other holding up the wooden menu. You nodded and Jeno placed his order in with Johnny who was doing the rounds for everyone. Yuta sat across from you and you could feel his stare on you from time to time, and the moments it felt like he was staring, Jeno’s grip on your waist got tighter.

“Is...is something wrong ?” you leaned into Jeno as he took a sip of his water. Even though he was smiling, his jaw was clenched signaling that he was trying to suppress himself from doing or saying something. “I'm just really tired” he rubbed your back and to your surprise leaned in to capture your lips. It was innocent but your lack of effort to mind his feelings wasn't good enough for Yuta. Frankly he had no idea where you two stood at the moment, for all he knew you could be playing him right now. It probably wasn't the case though, but Yuta was not really used to his life getting a happy ending. The night drove on and the group split with you, Ten, Doyoung, Taeyong and Renjun seated at the table while the rest of the guys were hanging around the bar babysitting their drinks. Jeno was really a changed man since high school. He was so confident, well-built and a good socialite with the team. You watched him lean against the bar counter, drink in hand entertaining whatever story Lucas had for the night.

“So you and y/n huh ? Have you scored yet ?” Lucas raised his brow cheekily to which Jeno chuckled and shook his head, “Really Lucas ? were talking about my sex life now ?” Yuta was in conversation with Johnny and Sungchan but he couldn't help but overhear your name in the chat next to him.

“Yeah man, I'm sure she’s good too after locking down my boy Yuta” Lucas smirked and Yuta flinched when the boisterous man grabbed onto his shoulder and pulled him into the conversation. “Even though they hate each other I just know they had the best hook ups” Lucas laughed despite Johnny trying to make him shut up.

“Well that’s all over now” Jeno’s eyes narrowed on Yuta before looking up at Lucas, “she invited me over tonight and considering the type of pictures she sent me, i'm guessing it’s going to be one hell of a night.” Yuta’s chest felt tight not only at the possibility that you may have invited him over to finally sleep with him but mainly because of the way Jeno spoke about you. He probably only shared that information to appease Lucas but hinting at you sending him nudes was not something you would like the guys to know about.

“She’s really been trying to speed up the process between us too it's cute actually” Jeno continued as Yangyang and Lucas egged him on, “that night after that painting you guys did for Mark Lee she was practically begging me to fuck her after our movie date. God if my brother didn't give me all those errands I would've done so right on the kitchen counter.”

Yuta shot back the rest of his drink and stormed off as Lucas and Yangyang hyped up Jeno, pouring him another shot and laughing erratically in their drunken state. From where you were seated you saw Yuta storm off and watched Johnny run after him worriedly, making you slightly anxious.

“Yuta don't listen to them man '' Johnny huffed as he finally caught up to his friend a few blocks down from the restaurant. “I dont fucking care man I really dont” Yuta chuckled dryly and ran his fingers through his hair, “It doesnt matter because at the end of the day im still the worthless piece of shit and guys like him are God fucking sent.” Johnny watched Yuta’s expression change and he turned around to find you standing there, desperately looking between them for context.

“Yuta what happened ?” you asked in a small voice and the familiar sting in his chest returned, hearing you call out his name, following him out here while Jeno was still inside, it was all just confusing to him.

“I thought you giving us a week meant you felt the same way and I could finally relax knowing you were going to be with me y/n” Yuta groaned in frustration while Johnny took a step away from the heated exchange. You shook your head as you approached him, “yes I did, so what's the problem ?” Yuta scoffed and folded his arms. “What's the problem ? doesn't look like anything’s changed y/n. I have to see you act like the couple of the year after telling you how I felt about you ? That's brilliant.”

“I told you I would speak to him this week” you snapped, unbothered by the now random onlookers who were concerned at the scene taking place. “But fine honestly Yuta if you really want me to say it you have my permission to fuck some random girl until im finally free.” You rolled your eyes about to turn on your heels to leave when you felt a tug on your wrist and Yuta pulled you into a kiss. He held your face in his hands as he kissed you passionately, sighing as he slowly pulled away and pressed his forehead against yours,

“When I said I loved you I fucking meant it y/n, I only want you. But please, if youre going to invite him over or send him dirty...pictures atleast tell him not to tell the whole fucking world about it.”

You took a step back and frowned at his words, “What ? What pictures ?”

“The ones he told Lucas about, y/n honestly I don't care I was just mad that he was airing your business out like that” Yuta bit down on his lip and yet again you were deeply confused as to what he was on about.

“I...I didn't send him anything” you responded, “I didn't invite him over tonight and I definitely haven't sent him any...nudes.”

“Tell that to him then”

You turned around and noticed most of the team was now outside watching the commotion go down and right in front was Jeno, who by the look on his face had most likely seen the kiss you just shared with Yuta.

Jeno approached the both of you with an irritated groan and scoffed, “I was going to ignore the signs but God I was so right, you were still fucking him this entire time ?” You lowered your head and Yuta glared at Jeno, “If you knew all this time why didn't you just break up with her and move on ?”

Jeno rolled his eyes and took a step closer to Yuta to which Johnny quickly responded by placing a firm hand on Jeno’s shoulder making sure the boy was at safe distance from his best friend.

“I'm not like you Yuta” Jeno licked his lips, “unlike you I respect her, I understand that she was going back to you because you like to play around, you never cared about her until I showed up. You were threatened by the fact that you were no longer in control of her.”

“Nobody is in control of me first of all” you chimed in, “and second what’s this about me inviting you over and sending you nudes that apparently the whole fucking bar knows about”

“It's just banter y/n” Jeno shook his head.

“Banter ?” Yuta repeated, “didnt know talking about how you were going to fuck your girlfriend on the kitchen counter in front of her coworkers is banter.”

“What?” you walked up to Jeno, “W-where is this coming from Jeno ? you’re not like this.”

“Well how am I supposed to be y/n ?” Jeno raised his voice, “you wouldn't mind if he said that to you. You're always letting him get away with shit. Im the one sitting around here knowing my damn girlfriend is fucking around with someone else yet somehow still trying to forgive you and figure this out.”

“Why, though ?” you shrugged, “Is it because you want to prove to other people that you're the bigger person ?”

“Would you rather be with someone like him ? someone who will probably throw you aside after he’s bored, or someone like me who was always patient, always willing to put you first no matter what” Jeno reached for your hand, his eyes widening when you shrugged him off.

“Someone who I barely know that talks about me to my friends like im just some kind of whore or someone i've known for a while and not once shared anything intimate that happened between us,” you looked over at Yuta, “It was my one rule, the same rule I gave you Jeno and he was, Yuta is the only one who has abided to it.”

“y/n Im sorry,” Jeno lowered his voice, “we hurt each other and I want to fix that, just make your final decision...me or Yuta”

“Jeno….I apologize for using you, I'm sorry for leading and hurting your feelings” you began and Yuta slowly shook his head and turned around ready to hear the bad news that always seemed to follow him,

“But as crazy as it may sound to everyone here, I'm most like myself when I'm with Yuta, I love the person I am when I'm around him” Yuta turned at your words and instead of the sting he felt a sense of warmth. Hearing you say that in front of everyone who wanted the two of you apart, besides Johnny ofcourse, was absolute bliss.

“Who knows maybe it won't work and it will explode but I really want to try, that's the thing I'm most sure of, I really really want to try” you smiled as Yuta made his way over to you and pulled you into a tight hug.

“Let's get out of here” Yuta whispered before placing a kiss on your cheek and draping his arm over your shoulder as the two of you exited the street walking away from the mess and not even giving it a second glance.

The two of you ended up at your apartment full of smiles and giggles as you slowly discarded your clothes on the way to the bedroom. Once your back touched your soft duvet covers Yuta pressed his body against yours and peppered your skin with kisses all the way up to your ear. “I want to try something different” he whispered and you nodded in response while Yuta pulled his shirt over his head and discarded his jeans. Yuta pulled you on top of his body and returned to your lips, kissing you slowly and passionately. His touches were so delicate and nurturing that every time his fingers ran down your back you felt butterflies in your stomach. You unhooked your bra shimmied out of it, still attached to the addictive taste of Yuta’s lips. He slowly rolled you onto your back and left soft kisses all the way down your neck, down the valley of your breasts until he reached your abdomen. You watched as he pulled your underwear off, looking at your body like it was the most beautiful thing he had seen. That was it. Instead of lust he looked at you with love. He looked like he wanted to take care of you, be gentle with you, savour every moment he had with you. Your breathing hitched when you quickly realized that he inserted himself inside of you and used one arm to steady himself on the bed as he lent down to meet your lips. His strokes were slow but sharp, digging his nails into your thigh from time to time, preventing himself from losing control. Wanting to feel more of him you signaled that you wanted to switch positions and Yuta licked his lips as he watched you place your knees on either side of him and sit down on his member. “F-fuck” he cursed as you began to ride him, keeping to his wishes of keeping things calm and slow. Yuta wrapped his arms tightly around your waist as the two of you kissed in between your moans, twirling your tongue with his as your hips slammed into his.

“Y-Yuta…” you moaned, feeling a tear escape your eye as the long night and the building orgasm caught up with you.

“Yes baby ?” he hummed in your ear.

“I really fucking love you” you sighed, just the words finally leaving your mouth made you sob with joy. It felt so fucking good to finally say it out loud.

Yuta responded by flipping you onto your back and chased both his and your orgasm, fucking you with his usual intensity until you came and he followed straight after, filling the room with heavy pants and both of you trying to catch your breath.

“I love you too y/n” He finally said, bringing you to his chest and pressed his lips against your forehead.

The two of you lay in your bed both napping for a bit until the first sight of dawn began filling the bedroom. You winced at the sun and hid your face in Yuta’s arms as he grinned at your actions.

“I don't want to go to work!” you grumbled.

“Fuck go to work after all the drama you caused ?” Yuta pinched your cheek playfully, earning a nudge in his side from you.

“Anyway” Yuta continued, “I got an email from Taeyong and he said if we want we can work remotely, he gave us the Okinawa project.” You sat up in bed and turned to face him, “the Okinawa project ? Its 9 months in Japan, the same project the whole damn building was trying to get” you blinked, still unsure if Yuta was just fucking with you.

“That's the one” Yuta shrugged, “anyways he said he was going to send either of us anyway since he knows we always get the job done. Oh and he actually said something really funny actually”

“What ?” you raised your brow and watched Yuta reread the text message on his phone.

“He said Doyoung was the one who suggested the two of us be the ones to go, who would've thought ?” Yuta closed the messages and tucked himself back into bed.

“Yeah” you smiled, “Who would've thought.”

THE END

#yuta smut #yuta nakamoto #yuta x you #nct yuta #nct smut #nct 127 smut #yuta angst #nct scenarios #jeno angst #lee jeno angst #nct angst #nct dream angst #2jaeh masterlist

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fatliberation · 3 years

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I’m Abandoning Body Positivity and Here’s Why

In short: it’s fatphobic.

“A rallying cry for a shift in societal norms has now become the skinny girl’s reassurance that she isn’t really fat. Fatness, through this lens of ‘body positivity’, remains the worst thing a person can be.” (Kayleigh Donaldson)

• • •

I have always had a lot of conflicting opinions about the body positivity movement, but it’s much more widely known (and accepted, go figure) than the fat liberation movement, so I often used the two terms interchangeably in conversation about anti-fatness. But the longer I’ve been following the body positivity movement, the more I’ve realized how much it has strayed from its fat lib origins. It has been hijacked; deluded to center thin, able, white, socially acceptable bodies.

Bopo’s origins are undoubtedly grounded in fat liberation. The fat activists of the 1960s paved the way for the shred of size acceptance we see in media today, initially protesting the discrimination and lack of access to equal opportunities for fat people specifically. This early movement highlighted the abuse, mental health struggles, malpractice in the medical field, and called for equal pay, equal access, equal respect, an end to fatphobic structures and ideas. It saddens me that it hasn’t made much progress in those regards.

Today, the #bopo movement encapsulates more the idea of loving your own body versus ensuring that individuals regardless of their weight and appearance are given equal opportunities in the workplace, schools, fashion and media. Somehow those demands never made it outside of the ‘taboo’ category, and privileged people would much more readily accept the warm and fuzzy, sugar-coated message of “love yourself!” But as @yrfatfriend once said, this idea reduces fat people’s struggles to a problem of mindset, rather than a product of external oppressors that need to be abolished in order for fat people to live freely.

That generalized statement, “love yourself,” is how a movement started by fat people for the rights of fat people was diluted so much, it now serves a thin model on Instagram posting about how she has a tummy roll and cellulite on her thighs - then getting praised for loving her body despite *gasp!* its minor resemblance to a fat body.

Look. Pretty much everyone has insecurities about their bodies, especially those of us who belong to marginalized groups. If you don’t have body issues, you’re a privileged miracle, but our beauty-obsessed society has conditioned us to want to look a certain way, and if we have any features that the western beauty standard considers as “flaws,” yeah! We feel bad about it! So it’s not surprising that people who feel bad about themselves would want to hop on a movement that says ‘hey, you’re beautiful as you are!’ That’s a message everyone would like to hear. Any person who has once thought of themselves as less than beautiful now feels that this movement is theirs. And everyone has insecurities, so everyone feels entitled to the safe space. And when a space made for a minority includes the majority, the cycle happens again and the majority oppresses the minority. What I’m trying to explain here is that thin people now feel a sense of ownership over body positive spaces.

Regardless of how badly thin people feel about their bodies, they still experience thin privilege. They can sit down in a theater or an airplane without even thinking about it, they can eat in front of others without judgement, they can go the doctor with a problem and actually have it fixed right away, they can find cute clothes in their size with ease, they do not suffer from assumptions of laziness/failure based on stereotype, they see their body type represented everywhere in media, the list goes on and on. They do not face discrimination based off of the size of their body.

Yet diet culture and fatphobia affects everyone, and of course thin people do still feel bad about the little fat they have on their bodies. But the failure to examine WHY they feel bad about it, is what perpetuates fatphobia within the bopo movement. They’re labeled “brave” for showing a pinch of chub, yet fail to address what makes it so acceptably daring, and how damaging it is to people who are shamed for living in fat bodies. Much like the rest of society, thin body positivity is still driven by the fear of fat, and does nothing to dismantle fatphobia within structures or within themselves.

Evette Dionne sums it up perfectly in her article, “The Fragility of Body Positivity: How a Radical Movement Lost Its Way.”

“The body-positive media economy centers these affirming, empowering, let-me-pinch-a-fat-roll-to-show-how-much-I-love-myself stories while failing to actually challenge institutions to stop discriminating against fat people. More importantly, most of those stories center thin, white, cisgender, heterosexual women who have co-opted the movement to build their brands. Rutter has labeled this erasure ‘Socially Acceptable Body Positivity.’

“On social media, it actually gets worse for fat bodies: We’re not just being erased from body positivity, fat women are being actively vilified. Health has become the stick with which to beat fat people with [sic], and the benchmark for whether body positivity should include someone” (Dionne).

Ah, yes. The medicalization of fat bodies, and the moralization of health. I’ve ranted about this before. Countless comments on posts of big women that say stuff like “I’m all for body positivity, but this is just unhealthy and it shouldn’t be celebrated.” I’ve heard writer/activist Aubrey Gordon once say that body positivity has become something like a shield for anti-fatness. It’s anti-fatness that has been repackaged as empowerment. It’s a striking double-standard. Fat people are told to be comfortable in their bodies (as if that’s what’s going to fix things) but in turn are punished when they’re okay with being fat. Make it make sense.

Since thin people feel a sense of ownership over body positive spaces, and they get to hide behind “health” when they are picking and choosing who can and cannot be body positive, they base it off of who looks the most socially acceptable. And I’m sure they aren’t consciously picking and choosing, it comes from implicit bias. But the socially acceptable bodies they center are small to medium fat, with an hourglass shape. They have shaped a new beauty standard specifically FOR FAT PEOPLE. (Have you ever seen a plus sized model with neck fat?? I’m genuinely asking because I have yet to find one!) The bopo movement works to exclude and silence people who are on the largest end of the weight spectrum.

Speaking of exclusion, let’s talk about fashion for a minute.

For some reason, (COUGH COUGH CAPITALISM) body positivity is largely centered around fashion. And surprise surprise, it’s still not inclusive to fat people. Fashion companies get a pat on the back for expanding their sizing two sizes up from what they previously offered, when they are still leaving out larger fat people completely. In general, clothing companies charge more for clothes with more fabric, so people who need the largest sizes are left high and dry. It’s next to impossible to find affordable clothes that also look nice. Fashion piggybacks on the bopo movement as a marketing tactic, and exploits the very bodies it claims to be serving. (Need I mention the time Urban Outfitters used a "curvy” model to sell a size it doesn’t even carry?)

The movement also works to exclude and silence fat Black activists.

In her article, “The Body Positivity Movement Both Takes From and Erases Fat Black Women” Donyae Coles explains how both white people and thin celebrities such as Jameela Jamil profit from the movement that Black women built.

“Since long before blogging was a thing, fat Black women have been vocal about body acceptance, with women like Sharon Quinn and Marie Denee, or the work of Sonya Renee Taylor with The Body Is Not An Apology. We’ve been out here, and we’re still here, but the overwhelming face of the movement is white and thin because the mainstream still craves it, and white and thin people have no problem with profiting off the work of fat, non-white bodies.”

“There is a persistent belief that when thin and/or white people enter the body positive realm and begin to repeat the messages that Black women have been saying for years in some cases, when they imitate the labor that Black women have already put in that we should be thankful that they are “boosting” our message. This completely ignores the fact that in doing so they are profiting off of that labor. They are gaining the notoriety, the mark of an expert in something they learned from an ignored Black woman” (Coles).

My next essay will go into detail about this and illuminate key figures who paved the way for body acceptance in communities of color.

The true purpose of this movement has gotten completely lost. So where the fuck do we go from here?

We break up with it, and run back to the faithful ex our parents disapproved of. We go back to the roots of the fat liberation movement, carved out for us by the fat feminists, the queer fat activists, the fat Black community, and the allies it began with. Everything they have preached since the 1960s and 70s is one hundred percent applicable today. We get educated. We examine diet culture through a capitalist lens. We tackle thin, white-supremacist systems and weight based discrimination, as well as internalized bias. We challenge our healthcare workers to unlearn their bias, treat, and support fat patients accordingly. We make our homes and spaces accessible and welcoming to people of any size, or any (dis)ability. “We must first protect and uplift people in marginalized bodies, only then can we mandate self-love” (Gordon).

Think about it. In the face of discrimination, mistreatment, and emotional abuse, we as a society are telling fat people to love their bodies, when we should be putting our energy toward removing those fatphobic ideas and structures so that fat people can live in a world that doesn’t require them to feel bad about their bodies. It’s like hitting someone with a rock and telling them not to bruise!

While learning to love and care for the body that you’re in is important, I think that body positivity also fails in teaching that because it puts even more emphasis on beauty. Instead of saying, “you don’t have to be ‘beautiful’ to be loved and appreciated,” its main lesson is that “all bodies are beautiful.” We live in a society obsessed with appearance, and it is irresponsible to ignore the hierarchy of beauty standards that exist in every space. Although it should be relative, “beautiful” has been given a meaning. And that meaning is thin, abled, symmetric, and eurocentric.

Beauty and ugliness are irrelevant, made-up constructs. People will always be drawn to you no matter what, so you deserve to exist in your body without struggling to conform to an impossible and bigoted standard. Love and accept your body for YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE, because you do not exist to please the eyes of other people. That’s what I wish we were teaching instead. Radical self acceptance!

As of today, the ultimate message of the body positivity movement is: Love your body “despite its imperfections.” Or people with “perfect and imperfect bodies both deserve love.” As long as we are upholding the notion that there IS a perfect body that looks a certain way, and every body that falls outside of that category is imperfect, we are upholding white supremacy, eugenics, anti-fatness, and ableism.

#body positivity #bopo #body posi #body positive #body acceptance #fat acceptance #fat activism #fat liberation #anti fatness #anti blackness #anti fat bias #lookism #beauty standards #self acceptance

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thedelusionreaderbitch · 3 years

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Kaz brekker x reader In The Rain

A/N: So this is going to be interesting... So because Kaz has some problems with touching people I thought I would make the reader suffer as well... The reader in this story has problems with skin contact as well and was abused as a kid so beware! Also this was also posted on my wattpad account you can find me on wattpad @ kk123huff!

Warnings: Bad writing, CHILDHOOD ABUSE, HARASSMENT, language, HAPHEPHOBIA, SEXUAL ABUSE, THE MENAGERIE, THE READER THINKS OF HERSELF AS NOT GOOD ENOUGH YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY WAY FOLKS! Some angst then some fluff near the end. You have been warned!

Summary: The crows are on a mission (Matthias is alive) and the crows don't know you very well (well expect for Kaz you and him have known each for years and he's technically your boyfriend but the other crows have no idea!!!) It's a dangerous mission (well when is it not hehe.) And Kaz is going to die but you save him! Let's see what will be revealed to the rest of the crows because of this dilemma. The reader also can turn into a creature like; wings come out of her back claws produce and she gets horns and a tail, and Fangs. She has a healing factor, kinda like Spiderman's, and she can touch people and they can die, and she basically has a mix between Alina's powers and the Darklings powers that I call moonlight magic. All her senses are amped up and same with her strength, agility, speed the whole shebang. Cheesy I know. But anyways onward and enjoy!

(All rights go to Leigh Bardugo and You I just own the plot!)

Reader p.o.v.

Running in the rain sucks. Especially when your running from the Blacktips. Especially when there are Blacktips chasing you and another group of people named the Hunters. Especially when those people were hired by Tante Helen. So to start off today I was going on a mission with Kaz and his crow friends, to officially end the Blacktips and whip them out completely. Then to give the mission a good start none of the crows (besides Kaz) were trusting me at all. And I didn't expect them to but when I mean trust I mean like mission level of trust so they would at least trust my capability or at least trust Kaz. But they absolutely did not!

Which is fine, because why would they trust a monster? Not that they know I'm one (again besides Kaz.)

So when we went to ambush their leader (the Blacktip's) there was no one there.

Well Kaz's entire plan just about went up in flames in those couple moments.

So we scope the area a bit till this guy jumps me and holds a knife to my throat.

Fantastic. This day is just perfect.

Being held right up against a man that's not Kaz with a history in the menagerie may off set me a tinsy bit. Screw you guy. Then it was fine though because I hit a spot on his neck to make his hand go numb so he drop the dagger and with his knife I killed him. Slit throat of course.

The irony that comes with living.

Then at least 33 men because apparently the Blacktips are sexist come into the abandoned warehouse. Kaz turned to us gave us a nod and we ran. While we're running for our lives these guys (there's about 8 of them) which call themselves the Hunters as they yelled what they wanted at us and came pouncing towards me. And of course they wanted to kill me.

So life is just amazing right now, and running in the rain sucks. Screw the rain saint/god because I'm going to tear their eyeball out if I meant them in death.

I run around a corner with the rest of the crows following because I can run inhumanly fast (well not really just faster then the average human.) Then I run into a weird sort of field thing that was close the the warehouse so we can fight and know where everyone is because their is a lot of people who want to kill me and Kaz. Great.

You could just let your other side out and this could be done in minutes. A voice in my head whispers.

Shut up. I think to myself. Everyone hates a monster. I think as I take a quick glance over to Kaz.

The crows and I gather ourselves together, I look to Kaz; "We could still end this, the Blacktips's leader is here." I nod my head over to the big bulky man with dirty blonde hair and redish pale skin looking for our hiding spot.

Kaz's gaze is on mine unwavering with those topaz eyes with that strike of green in them every now and then. "We could." He says

"But..." Nina says. I glance over to her quickly, but what? So I say exactly what I think.

"But what?" I snap slightly annoyed- we should be getting a move on there's 41 people to take down we have to get going.

"Those guys wanted to kill you Y/n, it's not safe for anyone here it could be potentially fatal to this job."

I shrug my shoulders uncaring, who would care if I died? Kaz might for a while. I sneak a glance at Inej. But he has her, and I know she's 100 times better than I am Kaz just needs to see that.

"Who isn't after to kill me these days? Plus a jobs a job, I die, I die, there's nothing anyone can do about that. If I'm going to die might as well do it fighting, also you don't just stop a job you keep on going regardless. It doesn't matter if I'm a casualty as long as the job got done then it's fine."

Everyone looks at me with a face of shock apparently not expecting that answer.

"So what's the plan." I snap yet again being set of guard by that damn man.

Kaz sighs knowing he can't stop me. "Okay..." He starts talking. "I know how we're going to get out of this."

_________________Mild time skip like 25mins top, and your just about to start the plan____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sorry that was weird, onward!

I take Kaz's hand and squeeze it slightly but let it go just as fast. Just a reminder that I needed - even if he had the gloves. He glances over to me and his face is a mix of emotion; worry, love, anger, and some more I couldn't identify.

Love? He could never love you. The voice hissed. You will never be enough, you monster! The voice laughed. You must be going insane! I growl slightly. Quiet. Fine suit yourself to your madness you inhuman.

Kaz looks over to me and his mouth quirks up a little bit and he nods at me.

"Come on let's go show them what a murder of crows look like." I grin sadistically.

We come barging out of our hiding spot hitting them at all ends. I pull out my knives and charge towards the Hunters.

I slash my knife onto one of their arms and the man growls in pain, as I place another cut right on his thigh. He nods his head and 7 other men come to back him up. I cock my head to the side and grin.

"Well boys, it looks like it might not be a fair fight for you!" And with that I'm off. I pounce on the one beside the one I already injured and with two knives in each hand like claws coming out of my skin I slash his throat open and he drops to the ground dead.

Then 3 come at me this time while 4 come around to my back. Not a chance kiddos.

I jump really high into the air then with amazing speed come down onto 2 guys killing them on impact. Now the other five are pissed at me for killing 2 guys at once great. They circle around me, it's like their trying to Hunt a predator with their sloppy movements and mindsets mind you.

"We we're sent in here by Tante Helen to bring you to her or to at least kill you." The man smiles.

"It may be easier than we thought." Okay so you can call me whatever you want I don't care but never tell me I can't kill you. It's the only thing I seem to be good at.

I howl out into the open and I can feel the transformation already.

Dark black feathery wings spout from my back like flowers on steroids, I feel my teeth take the shape of some deadly fangs, of brown-red cat like tail comes out from under, horns warp around my head like warping paper, and majestic claws form onto my nails.

The men look at me in fear and a certain blood lust is there that wasn't before.

"You ready boys."

It's a mess of bodies and I think there's only 4 guys left, I jump on one of them tear off his head blood splattering all over me even though it probably didn't matter because there was blood all over my body at this point. I stick my claws into the other chest and he slowly falls to the floor chocking on his own blood.

Then I see it.

It's obviously another man but the difference here is that he has a gun trained on Kaz while he's occupied with the other boy.

And he's pulling the trigger.

Without so much as a second thought my wings lift up and take flight and with a boost of moonlight magic I fly right into Kaz causing him to slip and kill the other man.

Oh and I got shot.

Blood sputters from my chest and I fall to the ground. Kaz whips towards me and yells; "Y/n!"

Or least I think he did everything is a bit hazy right now. I feel myself transform back into my normal human form. And Kaz cradles me in his arms and I realize with a first he doesn't have his gloves on. He commands something to Jesper about killing the last man and something to Nina and Inej about finding healers.

"It's going to be okay Y/n stay with me damn it!" But it sounded slow and hazy - it must be that damn rain. Suddenly I gasp in realization. I could use my moonlight magic to heal myself. In my excitement I accidentally kissed Kaz.

We haven't kissed before think that neither of us we're ready but by the saints, I never wanted to stop.

His lips we're gentle and soft against mine, they shifted with mine as if we were meant to fit together. It was all the stars in the universe coming down on us, it was binding us yet it was destroying everything around. Beautiful destruction.

Oh and I healed myself while this happened.

We pulled away running out of air and because Kaz thought I was still dying.

"Moonlight magic it helped me heal some of the way, my healing factor will do the rest." I manage to say with Kaz so close to me. He raises his eyebrow, then Kaz fucking Brekker gives me a full on relived smile.

Then in that moment we realized we had an audience.

Fuck this shit.

Kaz picks me up (what the fuck) but I'm secretly glad because I don't think I could even stand up right now. The crows faces are just priceless I giggle a little and right now it doesn't even matter to me that I showed them the monster, Kaz trusts them so I should take that leap. Plus Kaz and I just toke a big step in our relationship I couldn't be happier.

"Meet my girlfriend."

Their faces transform into surprised and even more shock, but a little bit of pride too. And I smile because for the first time in years the voices in my head are speechless.

So that's that I guess. I honestly suck at writing for Kaz and there may be a part 2! We will see... 🤪

2014 Words

-thedelusionreaderbitch

#Six of crows #x-reader #Kaz brekker #Kaz brekker x reader #jesper fahey #nina zenik #inej ghafa #wylan van eck #powers #matthias helvar #magic #angst #fluff #Shadow and bone

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one-piece-aus · 3 years

Text

Rainbow

X Drake x Reader | 100 Music Milestone Event

X Drake + 🔀 + Fluff + 🥚 | Requested by: @musical-apple

Ashes littered the ground, building remains scattered across the ruined city. A year has passed, and X Drake has come across a hand full of survivors left. Life began fading of it's meaning, everything he saw only grew grimmer with each passing day. Though, when all hope was on it's final edge, he found you.

You were rummaging through the rubble, a smile on your face and humming a little tune. The sight was so out of place, Drake thought this had been a hallucination or a trick someone set up. Cautious, he placed his hand on the handle of the sword that rested at his side before approaching you.

"Excuse me, miss?" Drake spoke so he wouldn't startle you.

"Hm?" You looked up to meet his blue eyes. "Oh! Another survivor!" You immediately stood up and stumbled over the junk to him. "Hi there, I'm [Y/n]! I- woah!" You tripped over something braced yourself for impact but instead, you felt strong arms around your torso. You glance up and saw Drake had caught you in his arms. You bashfully smile and stand up straight and back away. "Sorry 'bout that, it's been a while since I've seen someone new."

"It's... It's alright miss."

"Oh no need to be formal, you already know my name."

"Right..." Drake deadpanned. He didn't understand how you can be so cheerful with the current post-apocalyptic situation around you. Then again, maybe you were just happy to see another person, it was a natural thing to do after being alone for so long. "How long has it been since you last saw someone?"

"Not long ago actually."

There goes his theory.

Clearing his throat, Drake held out his hand. "My name is X Drake."

"Nice to meet you, X Drake." You smile and shake his hand. "Tell me, do you have a place to stay, or are looking for one?"

"I've been roaming around to see how many survivors there are."

"Oh! That's perfect! Come, come!" You pulled his arm and begin walking towards a wagon you had stock up with supplies. Grabbing it and trailing it behind you, lead him to the outskirts of the ruined city you two have just been in. You could see the place had more space and tidy up, a few plants growing here and there-

"Is that [Y/n]?" A child's voice whispered.

"[Y/n]'s back!" Another kid cheered, coming out of a large makeshift tent.

"Yay! [Y/n]!"

"Welcome back [Y/n]!"

A bunch of children came out, greeting you with smiles and hugs. You laughed, acknowledging each one that came to you. A few of the older ones reported what went on while you were gone and you praised them for their good work. X Drake stood there in shock, he didn't know so many children had survived.

"[Y/n], who is that funny-looking man over there?" a little girl asked, tugging on your arm and pointing at the male you brought with you.

"This is X Drake," you introduce the children to him, patting his shoulder.

"Is he going to be staying with us?" a boy with raven hair asked, sparkles in his eyes. A few other children joined in, looking up at both of you with wide smiles.

Drake hesitated on answering them, he wasn't exactly planning on settling down yet. He planned on continuing his search for more survivors, or rather a purpose in this wasteland. You noticed the uncertainty in his composer, to be fair, you had just dragged him over to your camp without telling him anything so it was understandable.

"Nothing is set in stone but why don't we show him around and make him feel welcome," you suggested to the children.

"Yeah!"

"Okay [Y/n]-chan!"

"Good idea!"

Two children grabbed a hold of his hands, pulling him along as they showed him the campsite with the rest of the kids. From where they gathered rainwater to where they held medical supplies, Drake had been impressed the place was so well organized. One question bugged his mind, where were the other adults? Surely you weren't the only one, right?

Sundown approached, a few young teens came with animals they caught, surprised by Drake's presence but welcomed him nonetheless. Preparing dinner was a team effort and they did it with a smile on their face, sharing merry laughter. Their cooperation was more efficient than the majority of the survivor groups Drake had come across, which consisted of adults.

That's one of the reasons why Drake kept moving, most of the colonies people formed collapsed on themselves from disagreement and distrust. The ones that were somewhat stable weren't exactly welcoming to newcomers, he didn't blame them after all not every stray was trustworthy in this day and age. However, these children appeared to be the exact opposite of what he experienced in the other groups. He wanted to know where the other adults were, and he would've asked you but you seemed to have your hands full assisting one of the children with something.

"Hey, mister-"

"Onion, his name is Deric." A boy with green hair interrupted his friend who wore glasses.

"No, it's not," a boy with purple hair butted in. "[Y/n] said his name was Drake."

"Oh..."

Drake cleared his throat to regain their attention to see what they needed.

"Can you help hold the stew pot?" The boy who Drake assumed to be named Onion requested. "The others are starting to get tired."

"Of course." Drake obliged, and watched as the kids served everyone as he held the object for them. Just as the last of the kids were receiving their servings, you came over.

"Oh, thank you for helping the kids." You smiled to show your gratitude, and Drake couldn't help but rub the back of his neck bashfully due to your cute expression.

"It's no problem really." The question Drake had popped up in his mind and he thought this was the best time to ask. "[Y/n], are there any adults around here other than you?"

"Uh- well... no, not really," you tell him, your demeanour dropping down slightly. "These kids-"

"[Y/n]! [Y/n]!" the children called, catching your attention. "Come sing for us!" "Yeah!"

"Alright." You glance at Drake and put a hand on his arm. "I'll tell you later."

Getting a nod from the man, you then walk over to the children who were gathered in a circle. Some had finished their bowls of stew and started getting comfy as they waited for you, each one was filled with anticipation. Wearing a smile, you knelt down and boop a little girl's nose, beginning to sing.

"I know you, you're a special one"

You shift yourself back to the rest of the child, opening yours for them to come and hug you.

"Some see crazy where I see love"

Two small kids come to you and you scoop them up, spinning them around in the air.

"You fall so low but shoot so high"

You let one sit on your shoulders while the other stays in your arms, and you nod your head to the orange sky.

"Big dreamers shoot for open sky"

Turn the child in your arms so you can see their eyes and boop their nose.

"So much life in those open eyes"

Gently you put the two children down.

"So much depth, you look for the light"

You crouch down, opening your palm to show scratches and scars on them.

"But when your wounds open, you will cry"

A small girl slowly approach your hand and touches them, curiously looking in your eyes as you tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"You'll cry out now and you'll question why"

You pick up the small girl and rocket her to sleep as you continue singing the melody.

"I can see a rainbow

In your tears as they fall on down

I can see your soul grow

Through the pain as they hit the ground

I can see a rainbow

In your tears as the sun comes out~

As the sun comes out~"

Drake watches in amazement, witnessing how your gentle nature soothes the children. Blissful smiles grew on the kids face, some swayed to your tune, others yawned and rested their head on the one beside them. Though, what captivated him had been the sound of your soft voice and the way words would flow from out of your lips. As you sung, he had almost forgotten the post-apocolyptic lifestyle he was in.

When the last note left your lips, the eldest children of the group who didn't fall asleep began to carry the sleeping kids to the tent. You smiled, proud to see them taking care of the others. Your thoughts were interrupted by Drake humming in thought, who was also watching the teens take the younger kids to the large tent.

"Ah, right, I suppose we didn't finish our conversation..."

"It's alright, your main concern for the children so I can understand," Drake stated before turning his gaze to you.

"The children... don't have anywhere to go," you inform him. "Most lost their parents or family, and you've seen the other survival groups. They don't have children... they don't want them... People think a child will slow them down in this life, but they're not looking in the long run. These kids are our future generation, our hope for humanity to continue. I... I just have to take care of them, give them a reason to keep going. I have to stay positive for them... I have to be their rainbow." You face lost that glimmer of joy, displaying one that held struggle and worry.

So that's why you had been smiling, you were putting on a brave face for the children. It makes sense, but Drake is amazed how one could stay like that for so long, it must get tiring. Hesitantly, he spoke up.

"I can't imagine how hard it can be..." Drake told you and a few seconds of silence followed before he continued. "You're stronger than most of my old co-workers."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I was a cop before this whole mess..."

"Ah... that's cool..."

"What were you back then?"

"I didn't really have anything... I was broke, in debt, about to lose my house... in a way... this new life is better."

Drake never believed someone out there would say those words, however, hearing her reasons it did make sense. He didn't think of looking at the positive this life had brought. Prehaps if he stayed his mindset could change.

"Do you think there's enough room for another person to settle here?" Drake asked rubbing the back of his neck.

"Of course, there's always room for you to stay." You smile, answering him.

An MLP song + an apocalyptic wasteland + wholesome & adorable children, if that's not a cracked combination than I don't know what is.

Anyway, thank you for reading, your request, and your follow ^-^

#one piece #one piece au #one piece scenario #one piece x reader #one piece oneshot #one piece x y/n #one piece x you #x drake x reader #x drake #one piece x drake #post apocalyptic #post apocalypse #post apocalypse au #request #milestone event #requested

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ginanosakka · 3 years

Text

The Scars You Hide

Masterlist

We Meet Again | Next

Summary: After your meeting with Bakugou, you get an unexpected call to meet with someone else from your past. Is it possible to mend a relationship you weren’t sure was even there?

“Hey Mina, does Bakugou ever talk about me?” You asked, skimming through the clothing rack next to her with that wide smile you always seemed to have.

Her hands were filled with clothing items, and at your question she seemed to almost drop them. Her pink skin seemed to pale slightly as you watched a small sweat begin to breakout on your face, and in your heart you knew the truth. You couldn’t help but let your smile drop ever so slightly, but you gave a light laugh to calm her down and bring the mood back up.

“It’s okay, I know he probably doesn’t talk about me. . It was just worth a shot to ask.” You giggle falsely, feeling not a trace of humor in the feeling you got in the pit of your stomach. “Let’s go pay, my treat!” You repeated the words you said every time you went out with any one of your friends, the return for spending some time with you.

It was weird with Mina though, whenever you offered to pay it looked like she was conflicted. Her yellow eyes would soften like you spilled some said truth, but you never questioned it. That look scared you with the fear that she might be tired of you, so you’d ignore it for as long as you could. . .

“Ryu, how many times do I have to tell you not to use your quirk in the house!” You yelled to what seemed like thin air as your son clapped once again with another crayon in his hand.

When his little hands met, a small explosion went off that burned the crayon to ash and he sheepishly looked up at you from his spot next to the coffee table. Ryu was so much like his father that it bewildered you, he managed to be a carbon copy of someone he never even met. Not only did he steal most of Katsuki’s physical genetics, he acted nearly identical and had a variation of his quirk. You wondered if being quirkless was the reason all your genes seemed to fail to make the cut, but how could you be mad at that when you loved everything about the blonde little boy?

It would have been nice if he had a little less of Katsuki’s temper, though.

“Honestly, it’s like you want to see me go gray early,” you huffed and continued on your way to the laundry room with your basket full of clothes.

Seven years ago, doing laundry would have been a funny joke to you. There were maids that were perfectly capable and paid to do it for you, so there was virtually no point in learning. The only time you lifted a finger was for makeup and eating, that’s how your father preferred you to live. It was a big contrast to now, where you stood in leggings and an oversized band t-shirt doing every bit of the cleaning and laundry, for not only yourself, but also the six year old son that was never in the plans for your future. In fact, no part of the life you created for yourself was apart of the original plan.

Your phone rang as you finished putting in your first load into the washer, and you answered it without looking, propping the phone between your shoulder and your ear as you put on the proper settings. The unfamiliar voice you heard nearly made you jump since only a handful of people had your number.

“Hey,” the woman said with uncertainty clear in her tone.

“Hello. Who is this?” You asked straight to the point, still continuing your chores as you went from the laundry room to the living room where Ryu was now coloring peacefully and began picking up his mid placed toys.

“Oh it’s Mina. . Sorry for calling you out of the blue, but I was just wondering if you’d like to talk?”

You froze in place, immediately going into mental hyperdrive over all the things she could want to talk about, but none of them seemed reasonable. Neither of you had any contact after Katsuki told you the truth about everyone, you completely went off the grid and she went on with her life like everyone. It would make sense to come up with a bullshit excuse to get out of it. . . but then again it would be much easier to clean with someone entertaining Ryu.

“I’ll send you my address, we can talk here.”

“So. . he really is Bakugou’s kid.” Mina sweat dropped as you both watched him stand on top of the couch with two hero action figures in hand, one of them being Bakugou, yelling nonsense about how he can’t be beaten.

“HAHA! Not even Dynamight and Ignenium can stop this villain, but I will be victorious!”

‘Honestly, that whole strive for victory mindset could be Katsuki or my dad’s genetics.’

“Carbon copy with some tweaks,” you shrugged and continued on your way to your bedroom with your basket full of laundry.

Mina followed you through your small — but well decorated due to your mother — home looking as troubled as she was hesitant as she always did around you. It still bothered you like when you were just a dumb rich girl, and you were must less keen on ignoring it to keep the peace. You were strangers now, after all, not friends due to business.

“So,” you started as you dropped the basket on the ground in front of your queen with a loud ‘plop’. “I know you didn’t come here to just get a peek at the bastard child of your friend, and you certainly aren’t here to rekindle our fake friendship, Ashido. . Spill it.”

You stared at her with accusation, stance showing that this easily could shift from a friendly encounter to a hostile environment depending on her next choice of words. Mina was a hero now, she most definitely could tell that this wasn’t the time to play pretend and get straight to the point like she would in the face of a real villain. She may be more of a commercial hero, enjoying the occasional spotlight and taking down many villains for a camera, but you remember that she looked death in the face the moment she got on the hero track.

The atmosphere in the room became tense as Mina was taken back by your commanding attitude, one that showed that what she suspected about you was true; this wasn’t the same Y/N she met as a kid. Your eyes were colder, uninviting and daring her to take a step too close into your world. Your posture even deterred her from thinking she was anything more than a stranger you invited into your home. Everything about the way you acted was a clear indication that the worst case scenario she had thought of after you contacted her had most likely come to fruition.

“What. . happened to you, Y/N?” Mina asked hesitantly, and you blinked at the question with your arms unconsciously reaching for your right side, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Mina.

After a moment of silence you explained, “I had him. My father didn’t like that. . and he told me not to go through with it, that it would be a shameful mistake. When I refused, he kicked me out onto the streets saying I wasn’t his daughter. I had nothing and no one, my pregnancy was high risk, and I had just been told that everything I knew wasn’t real, but we made it just fine.”

The answer was so vague beyond being disowned that it didn’t take a genius to figure out what happened between being on the street and now wasn't something you’d be willing to tell just anybody. Especially not the girl who was only her friend in hopes of getting an up on life in her future. The fact that you told her that much was a privilege she should never expect to receive again. Mina could only frown and think of how lost and heartbroken you must have been, all because she couldn’t bring herself to stand without the herd and tell you the truth. You probably didn’t trust anyone now, and the fact that Katsuki probably thought you were living an easy life on your father’s money didn’t sit right with her when you did everything for yourself now, and obviously lived a modest life with his son.

This was her chance to redeem herself for her first failure as a hero, and she wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

Mina looked you dead in the eyes with determination that you’d never seen before and said, “I want to help you take care of Ryu.”

Your brows furrowed at her declaration, “I don’t need help-“

“You do, and I’m going to be here for you. I don’t care if you hate me now, but I’m going to make it up to you for being selfish.” Mina pressed, her bouncy pink hair jumping as she bounded closer to you with a grin that used to always make a smile come on your own face. Her smile widened and her eyes closed as she made her words sink in with you. “I want to get to know the real you, Y/N, and I’m not going to miss the opportunity of seeing how you managed to keep a little Bakugou alive.”

You didn’t know what to say, no words were good enough to express every emotion she made you feel after six years of doing everything on your own. There probably weren't any words that could sum up the feeling of someone wanting to see who you really were after being someone else your whole life. You werent fully convinced — you couldn’t be, this not only affected you, but your son too — but there was a simple statement that would let her know that this meant something.

“Thank you.”

A/N: I hope you like this Mina x reader moment! I know there wasn’t much Bakugou and Ryu action, but more to come soon. Also, Ryu’s quirk is explosions that are activated by contact with his hands, meaning that he has to touch something to let out an explosion unlike Katsuki who can just let them rip at any time!

Taglist <3 : @fandomgirllover @cloudsgathering @that-bipolar-renegade-romantic @jazzylove @that-chick212 @bonbonthedragon @hawksnugget @misssugarless @insomniac-nerd-posts-things @bakugous-bakahoe @pinkykookie17 @byakuyaswifee @animexholic @arielting @samkysnks @simpforeveryone @saucey-kneecapzz42020 @liznoonz427 @damnirina @fireworkemoji102 @deneuves @tsumuuumiyaaaa

#bakugou x reader #bnha bakugou #bnha #bakugo x reader #x reader #bnha fanfiction #katsuki bakugo x y/n #bnha angst #bnha x reader

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funkymbtifiction · 2 years

Note

Hi! Do you have any tips on how to get out of a Si grip + 7 disintegrating to 1?

I'm an entp going through a very stressful time due to exams and I feel like my mindset shifted so drastically that I can't enjoy anything right now. I'm a very laid back person, I try to get the best out of everything (due to 7 + Ne combo), but I've been put into too many situations where there's too much to absorb, and now I'm angry at myself for not being productive enough, not paying enough attention to what I should be paying, which lead to an impossible perfectionism, some standard within myself that I'm holding very very high. I feel like if I fail this, I will fail everything else. I can't see the good side of the situation, and I feel drained. It's so bad that I can't eat properly or sleep anymore. As you are a Ne dom yourself, do you have any tips on how to move on from this?

Prioritize your health habits first, and see if you can settle things down in that regard (eat at specific times, eat things that are good for you, go to bed at the same time every night so your body learns to form a sleep habit, get some exercise to clear your head, etc).

Angry at myself for not being productive enough -- I know the feeling and I deal with this on a daily basis, so I feel your pain. :P

Something that might help you is a passage I just read in a book about productivity -- that the more you FORCE yourself to do something for a long time (past your creative limit), the worse your output. For example, let's say that you can write really excellent material for two hours, whether for pleasure or an essay. But you push yourself, and write for four or five hours. Most of what you wrote is probably crap, because you pushed yourself hard to 'get it done' instead of going into it fresh. You need to learn to set goals -- I will do no less than X, but no more than Y, and stay within them. Quitting before you are exhausted leaves your brain creative room to go back into the project next time with enthusiasm, rather than you waking up tomorrow morning feeling exhausted and burned out, from having used up way too many of your mental resources.

Set yourself reasonable goals, and then... remind yourself that if you burn out, you can't get ANYTHING done / your work will be crap, which will give you permission to walk away from it.

I also want you to think about perfectionism. Really think about it. Can perfect exist? No, because perfect is subjective. What is perfect to one person, isn't to somebody else. Perfect is an invisible standard that you can never achieve. And here's another hot tip: striving for perfection means wasting your mental resources and time. If you could work 300 more hours on a project, and have it be only 10% better... is that worth your time and energy, if it's 80% good? Nope. You need to think rationally about seeking the unattainable being stupid and wasteful, and that will make you feel less pressured to aim for a bar that doesn't even exist.

If you are drained, you need to rest. Period. When are your exams over? How do you re-ignite 7? Start thinking about doing fun things once you are free of your exams. What are you going to do to celebrate all of this hard work? Buy that book you've been dying to read? Go see that movie you want to see? Eat at that restaurant you love? Have a date with that friend you haven't seen in weeks? I used to motivate myself through hard things by putting something I loved or wanted on the other side of them. ;)

#question #enneagram #enneagram 7 #enfp #entp

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ukaiknowsbest · 3 years

Text

breaking down Ace of Diamond - the "Hero's Journey."

Using the model/guide presented by Overly Sarcastic Productions in their youtube video Trope Talk: The Hero's Journey, I will attempt to discuss how Sawamura Eijun's story in DnA is his Hero's Journey to becoming an ace pitcher in the Japanese HIgh School Baseball environment.

Blue from OSP put forward the 12 basic parts of the Hero's Journey Cycle. The illustration below will be our reference. I simplified a graph made by Signy Wilson in order to match OSP's less rigid guide.

disclaimer: I am by no means any kind of expert. I was just fascinated when I learned about the Hero's Journey as a general trope/framework when it came to writing stories. I want to apply what I learned by breaking down the story created by Terajima Yuuji in Ace of Diamond.

A. ORDINARY WORLD

STAGE 1. THE HERO IN HIS NATURAL ENVIRONMENT

Hero: Sawamura Eijun. Captain and Ace Pitcher of middle school baseball team. He has no formal training in baseball whatsoever but was the one who gathered and convinced his friends to start a baseball club. He's the best player in their small team. Good at sports but bad at academics .

He is generally a baseball idiot and quite a naive/simple guy with a strong heart. He does not have any idea what competitive and pro baseball looks like because not only does he not have experience but also he does not watch the broadcasts on tv/radio at all.

Ordinary World of the Hero: rural town in Nagano Prefecture, where Sawamura formed a small baseball team with his childhood friends. Acording to him, as long as they all stay together they can always play baseball anywhere.

STAGE 2. THE CALL TO ADVENTURE

2.1 Problem/why hero's ordinary world is going to crumble: - He lessened his chances of being scouted/accepted in a good baseball school after he btchslapped an entire opponent team and the umpires in their first and only match as middle school team in Saitama Stadium.

He also has low chance of being accepted into the high school in their area (where his friends are all going to) because he struggles with his academics a lot.

Unless he does something he won't be able to be together with his friends and/or play baseball at all.

2.2 Caller of the adventure - Takashima Rei pursues Sawamura into Nagano Prefecture in order to scout him as a sports scholar for Seido High School, a baseball powerhouse school located in the West Division of Tokyo Prefecture.

2.3 medicine/ solution to hero's crumbling world: being a sports scholar for Seido. This would solve almost all of Sawamura's highschool enrollment problem and also give him the chance to play as much baseball as he wants.

STAGE 3. REFUSAL TO THE CALL

3.1 reluctance to go: Sawamura refuses to leave Nagano despite Rei's "sales pitch" to him and his family. He doesn't want to leave his friends just to play baseball in a stronger school far away because he had promised his friends that they would always stick together.

3.2 hero punished for this - his grandpa literally smacks/slaps him in being stupid and doubting his friends.!!! / technically circumstances are already punishing him for being a hotblooded baseball idiot in the first place.

3.3 do you think you have a choice - this is probably the only chance he'll get to play baseball with all his strength AND finish highschool.

B. EXTRAORDINARY / UNKNOWN WORLD

Venturing out into more competitive/pro baseball is a world beyond him. It's scary and unknown and he'd rather defeat bigger teams than leave his friends.

STAGE 4. CROSSING THE THRESHOLD

4.1 crossing physical threshold - Rei persuades him to at least check the school out with his own eyes. They leave Tokyo together for one visit.

4.2. crossing a metaphorical threshold - in that visit, sawamura, picks a fight with a senior who's bound for baseball drafts, works together with a nationally acclaimed catcher in defeating the senior player, thus changing his worldview because he had so much fun.

4.2. conscious and irreversible decision - Because of the experience he goes home conflicted. His family encourages him in their own way to follow his guts and heart and go to Tokyo.

STAGE 5. REALM OF ADVENTURE

5.1 hero learns to navigate the unknown world - Sawamura learns the harsh realities of being in a baseball school once he actually starts to live there. Our boy also gets educated in Baseball and Pitching 101. He also finds out the true personality of the catcher he played with before.

5.2 meeting allies/rivals/mentors - he learns about the team better when he meets a whole bunch of people: batchmates, coaches and senpais. He builds interesting dynamics with all of them.

5.3 trials and initial failures - Sawamura undergoes difficult initial training and is barely allowed to play in matches.

5.4 meeting enemies - Sawamura being allowed to play as relief pitcher in the games and face talented pitchers and scary batters mostly in tense situations.

5.5 growth, new skills - Sawamura grows with each match, thus bolstering his confidence. Sometimes he falters but he learns from his mistakes.

5.6 first major success - striking out scary batters with each new thing he learns.

5.7 major challenge that leads to downfall - seido vs inashiro finals match where he goes in full of confidence and courage but then he and his team gets defeated in a devastating way.

STAGE 6. BELLY OF THE WHALE

6.1 lowest point of hero where hero physically or metaphorically goes down - one month after their major defeat, a lot of intense practice matches and change in team dynamics, the team find out that Sawamura has the YIPS. This condition took away Sawamura's ability to pitch in his trademark style/ the only thing he was good at.

6.2 hero's darkest hour - without the ability to pitch, Sawamura questions his reality and why he is still on the team.

6.3 Face and overcome inner demons - with a lot of help from allies and mentors, Sawamura finds a way to bring back a bit of his ability.

STAGE 7. ROAD OF TRIALS

7.1 Discarding old self - In the duration of his downfall and eventual healing, Sawamura turns to books, meditation and becomes even more careful in maintaining his form and body.

7.2 Accepting the new role - instead of fixating on the ace position like before, Sawamura is just glad that he is still allowed to pitch as relief.

7.3 Finding path out of the belly of the whale/The road back - After figuring out a solution to fix his pitching, he focuses on it and regains some of his ability. Sawamura is then allowed to play in matches. Just like before, he improves little by little as he recovers from each failure. He gains fresher mindset and new weapons, thus becoming an even stronger pitcher than he ever was before.

7.4 more trials - they face new opponent schools and old but improved opponents which test the best of Sawamura and the team's ability

STAGE 8. PRE SHOWDOWN BREATHER

every major match in ace of diamond has this part of the story but usually the most critical breather episode is the one before the final match.

8.1 show humanity of other characters - Somethng bad happens to the other mc without Sawamura knowing. This could absolutely wreck their chances of winning the final match. This shows that the other guys are not 100% invincible after all.

8.2 last chance to relax. - calm before the storm. It is also the time where they finalize sawamura's weapons.

8.3 quiet moment to reminisce - usually happens before each match. However the night before the finals was the major one because their old senpais went to visit their practice and encourage them.

STAGE 9. CLIMAX / STEPPING UP TO THE CHALLENGE

9.1 Final Showdown - Sawamura helps in the team defense with the best of his ability and weapons and he succeeds. Their team eventually wins Fall Tournament even with a few setbacks.

9.2 Apotheosis - Sawamura's worldview changed once he realises that even with his improvement and skill, his goal of being the ace is still out of reach for him.

9.3 Ultimate Boon - Sawamura gets to be a pivotal member of their baseball team and can play baseball as much as he wants with his team.

STAGE 7. ROAD OF TRIALS start again after the Fall Tournament Act 1 because Sawamura faces new challenges in Ace of Diamond Act 2.

Meiji Jingu Tournament - Play in matches without Miyuki

WInter camp and break - Intense Physical Training and development and improvement of his weapons which he will use and improve on throughout the rest of Act 2.

Spring Koshien where he realises that he has to do more in order to surpass the current ace which was Furuya.

Start of New Term/ Practice Matches - Sawamura and co. meets their new kouhai and team dynamics shift once again.

Spring Tournament / Summer Tournament - Sawamura meets old foes and new enemies. He also becomes the Ace Pitcher of the team, which adds more pressure on his part.

ACT 2 STAGE 8. PRE SHOWDOWN BREATHER

This is the big and long one before Summer Tournament Finals match where injuries and problems were discussed and feelings were explored.

ACT 2 STAGE 9. CLIMAX

Final (Or most hyped and awaited rematch) Seido vs Inashiro in order to qualify for Summer Koshien Nationals.

**everything after this point will be prediction and just my opinion

STAGES 7-9 start again

Koshien Nationals Arc.

STAGE 10. CROSSING THE RETURN THRESHOLD

Miyuki/3rd years retirement/graduation. Sawamura and his batch will have to lead the team.

STAGE 11. THE REWARD

Sawamura gets to play with his team as ace pitcher.

STAGE 12 / STAGE 1. THE HERO IN HIS NATURAL ENVIRONMENT

Sawamura may become both ace and captain, same as his role back in his middle school team, albeit in a stronger school. Even if he won't be the next captain, as ace he will still be in a strong leadership position.

CONCLUSION

That's how Ace of Diamond is written in the style of A HERO'S JOURNEY.

Act 1 writing especially followed the trope quite rigidly.

Notes:

I still don't want Sawamura to be the next captain. I hope that does not happen. However if it does, it means the story will have gone back full circle. That would be quite poetic ngl.

Gotta applaud Terajima's pacing. Can you believe that the story only reached its lowest and most pivotal point at around episode 70 of the anime???? thank godt that after ep 63 I read spoilers about yips arc in tv tropes or else i would have dropped the series completely.

I had difficulty in classifying the events after the climax stage into hero's journey stages because technically sawamura has not gone "home" yet. Moreover the challenges and trials just kept on piling up after Fall Tournament.

In this whole story, Sawamura has experienced only one true "Belly of the Whale stage" during his YIPS arc. I don't think he really came to a low point in Act 2 other than his first official match as Ace Pitcher. I treated that in the same vein as the effects of Raichi's first homerun off Sawamura back in Act 1.

I realized that having stages 7-9 recur starting from Meiji Jingu to the current summer tournament is what made reading Act 2 quite frustrating for me. That's at least 5-6 arcs of endless roller coaster ride loops.

I consider Miyuki's departure to be the "CROSSING THE RETURN THRESHOLD" moment because playing with him was the major reason for Sawamura's decision to study and play in Tokyo. Something will change Sawamura when this eventually happens.

As Blue from OSP said, the Hero's Journey is just a general guide/framework to writing stories. It is flexible, writers don't even have to use it or all of its parts to make a good story. Terajima just seemed to have adopted A LOT of the hero's journey trope in his baseball series.

I wanted to add more pictures tbh but tumblr is a killjoy :(

This was a fun thought exercise. There were probably even some parts which I have used the tropes wrongly. Please feel free to dispute me.

I talked about Sawamura's mentors here (x).

#sawamura eijun #sports anime #ace of diamond #daiya no a #daiya meta #daiya discuss #hero's journey #long post #daiya thoughts

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