#i want cishets to be confused as to what i am when they look at me

[j-ellyfish]

I was today years old when I discovered that, apparently, Shounen Jump doesn't allow women to be editors/helpers 🙃 now it may be false information, but that would help explain why WS is the way it is now... To this day I am baffled that Hetalia is considered shounen/seinen... I understand that unfortunately shoujo/josei isn't as popular, but I very seldom see men, even jp men (which are apparently the supposed main audience) be fans of Hetalia or supporting its merch. Most of the money Hetalia gets seems to come from jp women. Hell, it doesn't even seem to be a Bungou Stray Dogs case where they make the series appealing for both genders. With it's lack of shounen-esque battles, latent homoerotic content (especially in the ye old days), fanservice which even to this day is 90% of the time focused on the male characters... I have to wonder, what does this series have going on for a male cishet audience? The very ocasional boob joke? The (now practically nonexistent) historical content? I'm confused...

Sorry for the rant, I hope it isn't too much 😅

[Sorry this post became pretty long because I can't shut the hell up!]

I looked a bit into it and, unfortunately, it seems to be true. Apparently they use "you need to understand what's in a young boy's heart" as an excuse to sort of gatekeep women from having a career as an editor with them.

I have read a couple articles about this, and the way Shueisha seems to dismiss the issue is pretty disturbing. The later deleted tweets from the (female) author of Rocking You!!! really speaks volume of the situation beyond any corporate clarification Shueisha released on the matter:

[Source] [Source]

Sadly, the manga&anime mainstream/dominant scene is still pretty sexist and it's no wonder that many female and/or queer artists prefer to engage in more niche, somewhat still frowned upon genres like BL or Josei, at least they probably have more freedom there when it comes to sharing stories since they don't need to appeal to what a narrow-minded, sexist and conservative mindset still deems as manga's main demography - cishet male teens and young men ... Which is, well, the reason why most shows are required to have cute lil' objectified girlies as fanservice (I'm not against fanservice per se but you know what I mean, it's how unbalanced it is between genders in "romance/sexual-neutral" stories - like Shounen are supposed to be! - what makes it overwhelming and insulting) even if they don't even need it as a crutch for engagement.

Personally, I believe Hetalia's og target as a Seinen wasn't wrong. I think that Himaruya being a man did have an impact in how Hetalia came to be and how its comedy and characters, and even art style developed. It wouldn't feel right to me to call it a Shoujo or a Josei. The problem with this traditional classification is that what's a Shoujo/Josei wasn't quite established as "what girls want to see", but rather "what boys typically aren't interested in." And obviously, this soon led to the over-simplified and kinda sexist idea that Shounen=Action-packed battles; Shoujo=Romance. Many Shounen and Seinen have quite a large female presence in their fandoms despite being traditionally seen as the "boys/men's manga", whereas it is less likely for a boy or a man to be very into a Shoujo, and even less into a Josei (or, rather, it is less likely for a male to share this interest because of good ol' toxic masculinity).

In any case, while searching some stuff to form my own opinion and answer, i came across this page where they said "if a series does not fit into any other category such as Shonen or Shojo, then it will be put under Seinen", and honestly I think it makes the most sense for Hetalia.

For how I see it, the "problem" with targetizing Hetalia is that Himaruya never thought about it becoming popular when he started it. His mindset was "let's post this random silly one-time thing I came up with after engaging in a thread on 2Chan while passing time as a student in New York". There wasn't any intended 'commercial use', there was no business planning beforehand. It'd be like trying to put a target on, I dunno, some everyday life meme-y comics you find daily on social media. They have no inherent target, though they might end up resonating with one group of people more than others. But you cannot know until the thing actually starts resonating with an audience.

The 2Chan threads in question, according to the informations I gathered, actually dealt with topics that tend to resonate with a male audience more: a debate about military weapons and strategies used in WW2 that culminated with talking about Italy's military failures of the time; and how Japan will literally make moe girlies as personifications for anything. Himaruya just had this idea, definitely influenced by his time spent in a multiethnic background while he was in the US, to fundamentally make a comic inspired by those moe female personifications but have them be moe guys instead.

It would've been very hard for Himaruya to foresee the attention his work would've gotten, let alone the kind of audience that would actually be interested in it. Sure, Himaruya apparently called himself a Fudanshi once (I have no source for this though so take it with a grain of salt!) and it's not hard to believe, but Hetalia is very atypical even for a BL-leaning series.

Let's not forget that the first one-shot Hetalia strip was posted on Hima's blog in 2006. And, let's say, things back then were quite different. Yaoi/BL wasn't nearly as popular as it became later, and mainstream media didn't really discover the power of fanservice aimed at a female audience yet (that would come much, much later and kind of peaked with Free!, which I believe really made a difference in how anime business would perceive the true power of this kind of fanservice from then on). In 2006, not even Junjou Romantica had gotten an anime yet, and as much as I honestly dislike JR, it played a big role in making BL more popular because prior to that BLs could barely aspire to get anything more than a couple OVAs. The few that did get a proper anime season (like Gravitation, Loveless and Sukisho) still didn't get as much of a hype to make the "male-dominated mainstream community" notice their existence like JR somehow did.

I'm not even sure the kind of "fanservice" Hetalia made/makes use of was a thing in 2006. Like, you know, all those anime we have now that have tons of homoerotic subtext, a predominantly or exclusively male cast, are targeted at least partially at a female audience but never actually dip into romance or make anything really canon? I'm no expert, but I don't think they were a thing back then, and if they did they were quite niche. Perhaps Hetalia also changed the male perception of female audience in manga/anime spaces. Hetalia fans back then were quite ostracized and shamed merely for being girls enjoying a show with a kind of content that most cishet males - used to their shows with everything geared towards them (and girls confined to the "Romance Shoujo enclosure") - couldn't quite comprehend. I've seen so many male anime fans, back in the day, making fun of us simply for being girls and enjoying a comedy that features hot guys with all the homoerotic subtext they wouldn't bat an eye at if it was between female characters.

However it is worth noting that, while most Hetalia fans are girls or women, it has a minority of male fans as well. One of the two friends that actually introduced me to Hetalia was a boy, and I was introduced to it together with three other friends, one of which was a boy too - we all loved it at first sight! An Italian Youtuber I occasionally follow revealed that his very first manga was Hetalia and although he only picked it up to get closer to the girl he liked, I guess he didn't hate it enough to just drop it and "unlike" that girl lol I saw reactions of a few other guys to Hetalia episodes and none of them hated it, they even laughed at some jokes! I believe that many men are simply prejudiced against Hetalia because of internalized sexism or toxic masculinity, especially if they're aware of the fandom's main activity being shipping (lol).

I don't think Himaruya made any of his """fanservice""" with an actual fanservice-y intent, he simply, genuinely drew what he, before anyone else, enjoyed drawing. Unlike a lot of fanservice out there, Hetalia's never feels forced, it is very genuine.

[Conclusion; if you wanna skip what's above lol]

I don't think it's fair to say that Hetalia willingly attempts to appeal to women. I feel like Hetalia, at least pre-HWS Hetalia, appealed to Himaruya before and foremost. It just so happened that Himaruya's taste aligned more with a female audience, despite being actually funny in a gender-neutral way that way too many cishet guys dismiss because of (I guess?) fragile masculinity and fandom prejudice.

So, keeping that into account, I really do not think it'd be fair to call Hetalia a Shoujo or a Josei. And it isn't fair to call it a Shounen either, because we see how Hetalia's essence and humor was undoubtedly butchered by Shounen Jump+'s editing and rules, that simply do not align with either Hetalia's spirit nor its main audience's expectations.

As a Seinen, Hetalia had freedom to be whatever it wanted because Seinen tends to have more loose rules for what is or isn't allowed in one. Because its target of "adult men" is basically, de facto, a neutral catch-all label. Josei tends to be too involved in classic Shoujo dynamics and themes, albeit in a more mature sauce, and while there are exceptions I feel, in all the (few) Josei I crossed path with, there is a certain je-ne-sais-quoi that makes it undoubtedly more inherently feminine than Hetalia is.

It's funny because this whole debate over Hetalia's target kind of reminds me of how the very first BL, Kaze To Ki No Uta, is classified as a Shoujo because back then Yaoi didn't exist as an official genre. When you make something revolutionary that defies pre-existing rules and boxes, it's hard to slap a specific label on it that feels right.

#hetalia #this is long but I hope it wasn't too boring lol #actually I'm curious so I'm going to make a poll about this #what genre is Hetalia?? HETALIA IS HETALIA lol #ary spoke #ask

[jasontoddssuper]

Deadass,i think if you read Pjo and Hoo and didn't come to the conclusion that Percy is a femme trans woman and that Annabeth is a transmasc butch lesbian,that you didn't read them correctly

Percy is always having manhood forced onto her and she's clearly internalized some of it and that's why you get moments of her acting like a stereotypical cis dude out of nowhere even though she's not like that the rest of the time.I am aware that this comes from Rick being like That but that shouldn't stop anyone from taking a better written and more realistic route by having her be a repressed transfem.There's also how she likes girls a lot than she does boys which is most likely a response to Poseidon,Gabe and Luke's abuse and it's possible irl for amab people to become trans girls due to being traumatized badly enough by men that their gender changes and on a similar note,it's a common case for ones who more connected to women than to men(Her only real male friends pre-Hoo were Grover and Beckendorf vs Annabeth,Silena,Thalia,Rachel and Clarisse)to be eggs.And this is just me but fan content where Percy is potrayed as super feminine when it's not gross f*tish shit(looking at you,Percy/gods shippers)feels much more natural than fan content where she's masculanized

And for Annabeth,his writing makes perfect sense and the problematic elements are fixed if he's a lesbian instead of a pick me gf.Him being a tomboy?Butchness.His 'not like other girls' tendencies?Baby transmasc not knowing how to express it properly.Him saying he always loved Luke like brother and confused it for romance and liking Percy because everyone around them kept insisting they're in love ever since they were 12 even though they act like found siblings?Comphet.Him treating Percy like shit due to wanting to her to be with him so desperately?A Nico situation where it's because he wants to protect himself from homophobia by having a beard.His relathionships with Clarisse,Piper and Reyna?Do i even need to explain this one!

Rick's intentions don't matter.Rick is a manchild and bigot and awful person and he has no clue what he's doing with almost any of his characters and i'm happy to gatekeep them from him and give them the justice they deserve.Percy is mtf,Annabeth is a girlkisser and he can die mad about the fact that he made his two 'perfect cishet mcs' queer

#percy jackson #persephone jackson #annabeth chase #lesbiannabeth #he/him lesbian annabeth supremacy #platonic percabeth #percabeth brotp #anti percabeth #rr crit #pjo #hoo #toa #transfem #mtf #estrogen #hrt #trans women #he/him lesbian #transmasc #nonbinary #femme #butch #💌 #letters from summer

[show-stoppin-enby]

I watched Nimona the other day and absolutely loved it!!!!!! The story was so incredibly touching, I will freely admit that I cried at The Hand Bit. It was a joy to watch the characters develop, the art style was AMAZING, I just loved it so so much!!!!

The only possible fault I could find is the rather obvious character naming. “Hmm, how do I establish that this dude is The (Conventional) Chosen One, descended from a member of royalty that is worshipped to the point of divinity? I know, I’ll call him Ambrosius Goldenloin!” Its like if your protagonist, who everyone hated for being the first dark-skinned non-noble knight, was given the last name Blackheart- oh wait! I’m sorry, but I cannot take a character called Ambrosius Goldenloin 100% seriously. I say this, but I want to clarify that it didn’t impact my enjoyment of the movie at all.

However, it was extremely refreshing to see a Chosen One that was neither the protagonist or a villain. Normally they are the Hero, or the well-meaning villain that fights to uphold the corrupt society that worships them. Ambrosius is, at his heart, kind. Even when he thinks that Ballister killed the Queen, when face to face with him after he escaped prison, his reaction isn’t “oh no! Dangerous Queen Killer is loose! I’m confused that my boyfriend is suddenly evil, so I’m channeling my emotions into sword-swinging rage!”. He is so clearly torn; he watched it happen right in front of him, and everyone around him that he trusts thinks that Ballister is a murderer, but he cannot bring himself to believe that Ballister could ever do such a thing. His face, in that moment, is anguish, confusion, betrayal, heartbreak - not rage. He wants to forgive him, so so much. Even later, when leaning into the “queer people Nimona is a monster who’s brainwashing you” rhetoric, he did so out of a place of such deep love and kindness that he was willing to go against The Director and the regime that he dedicated his whole life to in order to give his boyfriend another chance when no-one else would.

The character of Nimona herself? Perfect. Brilliant. Amazing. She can shapeshift and chooses not to look like a size 0 model, but a normal person with cool hair/ piercings and a grin that’s just a little bit too shark-like? Perfect. My little genderfluid chaos gremlin and I love her. On a more serious note, the LGBTQ+ themes conveyed through her character are so heart-achingly relatable; I don’t think I’ve ever felt this seen by a piece of media. I know it’s a bit of a cliche/ cringy thing to say, I’ve always thought so, but I GET IT NOW. When in response to terrified “what are you?”s, a simple “I’m Nimona” - you’re not entitled to an explanation of who I am. Ballister just saying “metal” with a smile, upon learning that she can breathe fire - someone accepts and loves you, unconditionally, finally. Sometimes enjoying when people see you as a monster, enjoying causing a bit of mischief and trouble, but also wanting to be seen as human. The main ideological difference between her and Ballister, especially: he wants to assimilate and be seen as a normal human, but she wants to destroy the society that created a “normal” that excludes and punishes her for something outside of her control - the argument between assimilate vs. keep queer spaces separate from cishet ones is one that has been debated for decades.

In the end, Ballister and Nimona swap roles: he realises the corrupt foundations of his society and wants to dismantle it, but she is done fighting; she’s tired, and hurt, and fought for CENTURIES, but gotten nowhere, and what’s the point of it all anyway, it’ll never work, it never does. She just wants to be seen as human. She spirals into a deep, deep pit of rage and anguish. What’s the worst that will happen, anyway? Everyone already sees her irredeemably as a monster. And when Ballister calms her, with just one hand and a few comforting words, she collapses. The fight is gone from her. She’s just a hurt, scared, tired little kid who desperately needs a hug.

The best villains (imho) are the ones who are relatable, who you can understand how they got to where they are, who scare you not through irredeemable acts, but through worries that in that situation, you would do the same - The Director is a prime example of this. Her ultimately fatal flaw is her fear of change; this is the way it is, and the way it has been for the past 1000 years, and it works perfectly well, so why change? Keep everything the way it is now, no matter the cost, and everything will keep running smoothly. She objects to Ballister ever becoming a knight, because it’s Not How Things Are Done. Change in tradition means unpredictability, it means things might go wrong. And if things go wrong? Well, you’ve heard the stories of what’s on the other side of the wall, we CAN’T risk things going wrong. She serves the system in rhe name of the ‘greater good’, and any price is worth paying, even the murder of the figurehead of the system itself. [tumblr mobile deleted the second half of this paragraph, and I’m too tired to rewrite it. It boils down to ‘at the end, she decides to fire the laser (and kill herself) rather than face the fact that she was wrong and deal with the consequences’]

This has become a whole analysis! Wow! I only wanted to make a snarky comment about the name Ambrosius Goldenloins, but here we are! Of course, this is not intended to be a full character breakdown, or even entirely comprehensible, I am currently not in the best of health and very tired and this is really just a drabble of admiration for a film that I very much enjoyed that got out of hand. I’m not very good at conclusions/ signing off or whatever, but I don’t want to ramble. I’m barely restraining myself from asking you to like the video, smash that subscribe button, and leave a comment telling me what you think.

Nimona is an awesome film. Watch it.

#nimona #ballister boldheart #ballister blackheart #ambrosius goldenloin #analysis #Nimona analysis #the director #character analysis #shit I should really go to bed now #I lost half of the director’s paragraph bc of mobile so I had to rewrite it #I want to fix the formatting but I don’t want to lose more of it so. I’m sure you can deal with a few dense paragraphs #nimona spoilers

[birdclowns]

hi jasper!!!! N, R and T for the alphabet game if you haven't already answered 💜

hi lola !! <333

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

I don't know if this is like. what I want to see in canon or more from fics/etc but we'll go vaguely both!

I want to know more about character backstories!! nancy offhandedly mentioned she had a sister ONCE. and you can infer from that scene, her sister is/was sick? please tell me more about her I need to know more about nancy specifically, actually!!! the strands are so fleshed out and carlos is getting there and I love that for them. but I want to see marjans apartment. I want to see nancys apartment. because that can add SO MUCH extra details for characters even without it being explicitly said. I just wanna know more about them altogether tbh

they live in texas. austin is very progressive, but it's still texas. and, as a queer person who lived in texas growing up, there is a severe lack of characters getting shit for being not cishet and white. and like - I'm glad! the characters don't need more shit but it's also so unrealistic? this whole extremely diverse group full of queer and poc characters, and there's rarely anything said about it. in TEXAS. (yes we got that one old lady and the iconic "sure ma'am but I am a homosexual" line. but that was s1) idk I need judd to use his big burly cishet white man privileges and confuse a bigot when he stands up for his family! not that they need it, but the person looks to judd for help and he's like. I'm going to kill you myself, actually.

I want tk covered in more blood doesn't matter who's. it could be his for all I care. thank you<3 (I'll also take him feeling the effects of dying multiple times. his body is FUCKED)

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?

nancy and tk besties MY FAV. or tk and paul. the queers having their own little group, where they can talk about growing up and finding themselves. I love them<3

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?

answered it already BUT more.

judd, grace, tk & carlos hang out. all the time. tk and carlos are the gay uncles that spoil their godchild. judd & tk watch and play with charlie while carlos and grace gossip and she tries to wiggle her way into helping him with another case bc they're besties

I am also a firm no children for tarlos believer. give them more animals but not a tiny child. many lizards will work

#this is all over the place lmao sorry #sorry to the tarlos should have children people. get well soon #asks #911 lone star

[sporesgalaxy]

Haha it’s silence gender crisis anon again, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to/feel like it..but I’ve been trying to do research on gender and different gender identities and I am just kinda confused, does genderqueer include people who feel sorta cis but also gnc ? For reference I consider myself cis cuz I’m afab and prefer she/her, so I just. Kinda assume that means I’m cis. But I also feel like a girl who’s a boy, sorta, I want to have short hair and wear mens clothes, and I like being referred to as a guy/dude/etc, but I still prefer she/her pronouns. Or would that be demigirl? I’m afraid of…overstepping boundaries or “taking” identities I shouldn’t, I guess. Anyways sorry to ramble, gender is a MESS

From my experience, genderqueer is an umbrella term for anyone who thinks that "queer" describes their relationship gender, and therefore can include people who prefer their assigned pronouns but dress gnc and/or do other nonconforming stuff in the gender department.

The term queer in modern usage describes an experience that is othered because it is percieved as different from the predominant cultural narrative of cishet conformity. I feel like there's better ways to describe queerness but this is as good as I can manage right now, as just Some Guy on the internet. You can read about "Queer Theory," the analytical lens, if you want to see more philosophical descriptions and explorations of queerness and the term queer.

I'm gonna talk about myself some now and hope it helps. There's not really an easy diagnostic tool for being genderqueer since it's so broad, so this is the best I can think to offer.

I feel like we have some stuff in common. Maybe you'll relate or maybe you'll be able to contrast yourself against it and still get some clarity? Anyways here goes

•••

I 100% understand the fear of overstepping. My early gender questioning was a lot of fretting about that.

I am often too scared to dress very far beyond what's considered acceptable for my assigned gender. It helps that jeans and a t-shirt are considered unisex. When I feel like I look successfully "pretty" in highly feminine clothes, I don't feel like people will see ME when they look at me. It feels dishonest or misleading somehow. Men's clothes often fit my body better, and I often like how they look on me. I wanna wear a suit someday so bad it makes me look STUPID.

I don't know how I feel about pronouns and that's why I'm trying literally all of them, in theory, with the whole any pronouns thing. Hasn't cleared anything up. But I've heard most cis people actively dislike being called by pronouns other than their assigned ones, so my experience of indifference is apparently a queer one! I prefer variety in pronouns and terms for the sake of feeling like the breadth of my identity is being acknowledged. I don't feel as strongly about that variety with close personal friends who I trust to understand me.

A lot of my gender nonconformity could theoretically fall under just being feminism-- girls shouldn't have to shave or wear makeup, should be able to hang out shirtless nonsexually, should be able to dress and cut their hair however they want. This has been a source of self-doubt for me many times.

But when I think about...what I want people to think when they look at me and interact with me, I don't want them to think "oh, women can wear whatever they want." I want them to think "what is going on here, exactly? I'm not sure. Maybe I don't have to be sure." And that...sounds pretty not cis to me! Sounds pretty outside-the-binary. So that's what I am!

#asks

[slowly-unspooling]

Let’s talk representation. Why it’s important to see characters like you in media.

I grew up in a religious household. Mormon to be exact. Not the best environment for a queer teen to live in.

Until about 14 all I had heard about lgbtqia+ was that “we love them, but not their sin” and at this time I didn’t have words to describe how I felt. I had scrambled to try to fit the mold of perfect cishet daughter I was meant to fit. (As anyone who knows me can tell you, I wasn’t successful).

But even dating and going to church and filling that role, I knew there was something “wrong” with me. I hated my deadname because it was “too feminine” and didn’t fit (the exact words I was using as early as I can remember). I didn’t encounter my first queer character in media until I was about 14 when my sister and I snuck Rent on in the middle of the night. And finally I had seen someone and realized what I was feeling wasn’t wrong and most importantly, I wasn’t alone.

After that, I began looking for characters that were like me. They were far and few in between unfortunately. But I still found them.

My journey of self realization has taken nearly 10 years to find people who felt like I do, and I could finally put words to it. I finally had found myself.

When I started writing, I decided to write characters I wish I had seen growing up. A deviation from the typical queer characters. Ones who didn’t know who they were. Ones that confused others because it’s harder for them to define what they are.

Then I got my first comments that made me cry, that showed I wasn’t doing this is vain. (And yes I know this is tumblr and y’all will recognize this screenshot. I am not ashamed)

And so began my journey to provide representation that is severely lacking. Of characters who don’t want to find love. Who are best defined by their inability to be defined.

And most importantly, a platonic love letter to all those who have never felt seen or understood. Because I do see you. And I do understand.

-Aspen 💚🖤🤍

#aspen #slowlyunspooling #aromantic #podcasters of tumblr #transmasc #agender #asexual #podcast writer #writing #a platonic love letter #cw homophobia #Cw Mormonism

[victorian-platence]

I think I'm half way in love with a guy. This is very weird. Because he is a cishet guy who looks fully like a guy. No gender funkiness. No nothing. He even has a beard. I am confused as much as anyone else might be, since that is, emphatically not my type at all. But goddamn, he spent the afternoon studying with me and teaching me Grammar Theory and then getting distracted and going on Linguistic rants and dear Aphrodite wherever you are, are you laughing at me?

This is the most masculine person I have ever liked in my life.

Gods, I want to fuck him, what the actual fuck. Is this me? Are these my thoughts? Have I been brainwashed?

But he has like, anime abs, and he's so smart and so acid, and somehow incredibly understanding and gentle. In a rational way. Man's horrified by my tragicomedy of a life (by the way who in the year of our lord 2023 comes from a healthy family life, is abled bodied, tall and handsome and also doesn't have mental illness, what fuckery is this, have I been tricked? Have I been conned by the universe? That was even a possibility???) he listens to me and laughs at all my jokes and the other day he woke me up cooking torta fritas in my kitchen (he stayed the night to study, nothing happened) but he was shirtless.

I am. I don't know. I'm not confused. Pretty sure I like him and I'm attracted to him. I think my grampa would love him because he's intellectual and has Marxist guilt (troskist family apparently, seriously, how good can you have it? Motherfucker, I had to grow up with two fascists, and received my childhood trauma through them, as god intended) and he reads serious literature all the time and he is constantly trying to understand everything and everyone.

Obviously I miss my grampa and the fact that this dude has the exact personality my grampa would have approved for me is like, a big factor. Like I'm sure something is going on there that would make Freud shake a fist or two in his tomb. But gosh, you know when someone is so fucking smart you want to kiss them on the mouth already? Just like that.

Until the next venting folks

#vent #my life #grief too apparently #i can never run away from my grief #it chases me #but oh well #look im in love #i made a Spotify playlist to manifest sex #thats a thing i do now #apparently #idk #this is very put of character for me #normally i reserve the romance for my fanfic #this is a pining era i guess #ah well #ive always argued in favour of not ever being chill #fuck il cortegiano de Castiglione and the fucking concept of sprezzatura #i swear its the bane of my existence #we could be so weird and earnest if we escaped it #bring back eloquent monologues 2023 #i say as i keep being way too silly for my own good #i'll shut up now #good bye internet journal #for now

[vatican3]

Do You have any thoughts about Nihil's friend. Would love to hear if you do.

Prefacing all of this with the fact that you really need to buy into my Nihil-is-a-girl canon for almost any of this to interest you.

I feel like I need to split this up into sections but as I'm writing this I have no clue what those sections will be. But they're all. General concepts.

BESTIE:

Cishet. Sorry.

Except for when I sometimes hit him with the transbian beam because I can't help myself. But we'll get to that.

Despite looking like a massive douchebag this guy is so sweet and full of love. Assigned dogboy.

Best friends with Nihil for a long long time, Nihil is known and loved by his family.

They are roommates. They live in a shitty apartment together. They're in a shitty band together. They go to shitty parties together. They're having the time of their lives.

But he's like, hm, I do sort of want Nihil carnally but as far as I know I am not into men. They get drunk and make out constantly.

Nihil eventually comes around to telling him she's a girl and he's like OHHH THAT MAKES WAY MORE SENSE FOR ME, PERSONALLY.

Upon learning he is avoiding a sexuality crisis (for now. We'll get out the transbian beam in a minute) he's like okay, obviously we should have sex. Nihil also thinks this because she is bored and horny and thinks hey he's pretty sexy that would be fun. This is a great solution to the nights when neither of them experiences success with women.

So they fuck raw every single day basically.

It does not take long for them to individually figure out they are in love with each other but it does take them forever to say fucking anything about it.

There is a weird relationship limbo where they are really not sure if they're dating and are too scared to ask. Bestie has stopped trying to hit on other women.

Their friends in their shitty rock band do not understand what their dynamic is and they are trying to piece it together from context clues and it just is not happening. They are also confused about Nihil's general gender situation but they are beyond asking questions.

BESTIE IS PRIMO'S DAD:

Despite the fucking raw every day they are somehow surprised when Nihil ends up pregnant (there is nary a brain cell between them).

Nihil is vomiting. They think it must be a stomach bug. And then she just keeps vomiting and now certain smells are making her nauseous that didn't before and her period is not making an appearance when it should be. And then they're like, don't think this one's a stomach bug, man.

Bestie is terrified for fatherhood.

But very excited!

Nihil has to speedrun going girlmode because pregnancy is not going to wait for that to get figured out.

Nihil, because of how she is, has about 50 books about pregnancy in her room. Bestie makes the mistake of reading one of them and is now gripped with anxieties about everything that could possibly go wrong.

Bestie tries to gather band friends without Nihil to tell them she's pregnant. They do not understand. He can see the gears trying to turn in their heads. It's not clicking. They are excited for this mystery baby regardless.

Bestie calls his family to explain that hey you know Nihil? Yeah you do. We're having a kid and also she's kind of my girlfriend not clear on that one yet. Try not to ask questions I do not have answers.

He wins some shitty arcade jewelry for them to wear as wedding rings to doctor appointments because they are already not stoked about this greasy freak having a kid with some nice girl but an unmarried greasy freak is worse.

They go to see Bestie's family for Christmas with baby Primo in hand. There are clearly questions. Nobody is going to ask. Bestie's siblings try to talk to Nihil like she's a new person and she's like, I have known you forever what are you fucking doing.

They can pawn off baby Primo on Bestie's extended family and cuddle and fall asleep by the fireplace together. They are so tired. Did you know having a baby is so hard.

BESTIE IS A VAMPIRE:

You don't need me to explain this.

You've seen the Dance Macabre video.

NIHIL IS BESTIE'S GIRLFRIEND FOR REAL THIS TIME:

They are so into each other it's either adorable or disgusting depending on what kind of person you are.

Bestie is at work exclusively talking about his girlfriend and how she is and how excited he is to go home and see her.

I don't have time or room to fit all of my nurse Nihil thoughts prompted by that other person in here. But please understand how much I thought about this concept.

Bestie is so into her and constantly brings home presents for her. Candy. Clothes.

They just fucking love watching horror movies and cuddling and eating Chinese leftovers together.

TRANSBIAN BEAM:

Someone tell this girl she can be butch.

Imp/Nihil/Bestie Femme4Femme4Butch throuple.

Nihil has two hands for two hot vampire gfs.

#there are somehow more thoughts than this that i couldn't really squeeze in. #but #here #mtxt #nfr

[miraculouslumination]

Honestly I kind of don't like the way some people talk about tone tags on social media - like it sometimes feels like people are two steps away from returning to the "x accommodation isn't useful for ME therefore it's Morally Bad and Cringe and I'm going to make fun of anyone and everyone who uses it" such as what happened with fidget spinners and other stuff like that

And all I can say is that tone tags are literally just that. An accommodation. Specifically, a personal one

Yes, there are a lot of acronyms, and I do agree it's kind of ridiculous to expect people to remember all of them! Especially fellow ND people with bad memory or even anxiety over having to remember each one! However, literally like everything else, especially with accommodations like this, please remember

What works for you, does not always work for others

I am a highly anxious autistic ADHD person, and I often have had many high anxiety episodes because of something friends would text me and then say "it was just a joke" - when I am already in the height of anxiety, telling me later that "I was joking" hardly helps

For example, I once had a friend say "all of [my] OCs are cringe ass babies" (literally a direct quote from our DMs)

This fucking sent me down, emotionally and mentally, into the crust of the earth - and I told her that "hey, you said something really rude, and I didn't like it" as I could feel my chest growing heavy and tight and my body shaking because this HURT - a LOT

And then she says "wait - what? I'm sorry I was just joking" which she meant genuinely, but my brain still questioned it

Now, for me, personally, if it was "your OCs are a bunch of cringe ass babies /j /lh" then I would be able to decipher and read her message as a light-hearted, poke-to-the-ribs type joke. Otherwise I cannot tell what someone's tone is at all, and with a comment like that, my anxiety (coupled with the fact I've had people irl maliciously attack me for my art + character design skills) will just assume the worst

I have read countless Calm messages as Loud and Angry, and I have read Upset messages as Bored and generally just got confused by them, and it has always created problems that could be so easily solved with an accommodation such as this

I, personally, suck at reading tone. And I've seen some people say "well, you can just slap tone tags on anything, even if you don't mean it" and....yeah. That's the flaw of any language. I can say that I'm not mad at anyone in my friend group, even when I am absolutely furious with one or multiple of them. I can say "jk lol 😂" and "omg it was JUST a joke 🤣" after calling someone's mom a fat, lazy cow who belongs in a barn and subsequently making them upset, even if I was being insulting.

ANYONE can do this. Language existing means people are going to use it to lie, to make themselves and their intentions look better. Hell, everything online revolves around this constant chance of "maybe the 22 year black butch autistic lesbian I'm donating money to online is actually a 40 year old upper class white cishet allistic woman who just wants to scam a bunch of queers"

And yeah, some of the acronyms do have multiple meanings from previous generations of texting lingo. However, again, that's just LANGUAGE!! Especially in the online world!

Hell, ASL and ASL exist. One is Age, Sex, Location? - a question often asked online about another person! And the other is American Sign Language.

And even for text lingo, you'd have so many overlaps!

FTW and FTW - one meaning For the Win, and the other Fuck the World.

Just...I don't know, I think I take all these little "jokes" so personally because I am one of those people who needs this accommodation. I don't expect everyone who interacts with me to use them, and I don't think we should expect everyone to use them - ESPECIALLY some of the more specific ones.

And yes, some people are fine with substitutes, such as saying "genuinely, please stop sending me photos of bugs. I'm not angry, I just don't want to see them" or even "he is my little bastard man (affectionate)" or whatever!

Just. I don't know. I'm just asking y'all to not make tone tags into the next "lol cringe autistics and their fail accommodations" thing. Even if you don't like it or need it.

#Jean rants #Tone tags #Accommodations #Autistic #ADHD #Long post #Yeah this got longer than I wanted to #But literally I am just asking for people to keep being open-minded on this #What doesn't work for you may work for someone else #And that's okay!! that is literally how people are built!! #I just hate people dogpiling and dunking on an accommodation that literally saves me from so many anxiety attacks in my day to day life #I feel so erased in these discussions and like my side of things don't matter #Because ''lol acronyms'' #Yes it is ableist to expect people to remember all tone tags #And even for everyone to use them #And YES it is ableist to say that tone tags are evil bad and useless and anyone who uses them is an asshole #Both of these can should and DO coexist

[nerdyenby]

Green time :D I’m watching Ranboo

 So excited for Ranboo and H team y’all have no idea

“They put her in goddamn trans world, it was amazing!! So I… am, of course,… dressing up as Spider-Gwen… because I am straight” MY STREAMER IS CISHET :D

I too made across the spiderverse my entire personality after seeing it, so real

Guqqie painted their nails <333

“I can climb up walls and be transgender, but I can’t- I cannot pull up a suit” this is how they officially come out, I’m dying

Ran thinking the music was an auditory hallucination 😭

“Anxiety. I have it.” is all I heard lmao

“I’m spider!!” “like spiderman?” “No >:|” the freaking gender on display lmao

I’m sick too!!! We’re all so cool

I was about to get on to Ranboo for talking bad about bm but H beat me to it lol

Buildmart

I can’t tell if this team has talked a good amount or if this is their first time in call together lmao (probably the latter tbh)

I’m so down for these vibes, just calm confusion, absolutely elite <333

“Don’t be afraid to ask things” H is such a good teammate I love him so much

5th!!! They popped off!!!!!

“Hopefully the rest are no brain” Lily 😂

The greenest geckos!!! I love her!!

Ranboo just freaking choking when Sykkuno complimented genloss

Ranboo standing there clueless what to do or say when H is muted

Bingo

“Wait… I lied” “HOW DARE YOU?!??” This is exactly what I needed from this duo, thank you <3

Ran just running around breaking people’s crafting tables and cackling

“How are we all feeling?” “aaaaaaaaaaaaaa” “I’m stressed” I love this team

“No more thinky games”

TGTTOSAWAF

“This one’s an absolute poop fiesta” Sykkuno 😭😭😭

H giving Lily a piggyback ride my beloved <333

Ran accidentally turning on their narrator in the fall guys map 😂

Everyone laughing at Lily stepping on the pressure plate and getting launched

“Ranboo, I don’t mean to flex but I’m two points better than you, no big deal” “It’s fine, I’m not bad about it, I’m not mad about it” “it seems like you’re kinda mad about it” them!!!

H being so proud of his hermits <33

Parkour Tag

“Wait a minute, this looks um….” “… yeah Sykkuno, what does it look?” “Use your words” YOU CAN SAY GAY THIS ISNT FLORIDA

H getting in on the homophobia bit only for Ran to turn it on him and just “uh… uh…. uh…. I think I can hunt the first round” 😂

Ranboo is having so much fun being the token queer on this team

RAN CRUSHED IT HELLO?????

Sykkuno mvp!!!

They’re killing it!!!!

H hyping everyone up <333

If Sykkuno surviving three four five consecutive rounds doesn’t make the top ten plays I’m gonna lose it

SYKKUNO IS INSANE WHAT THE HECK?!??

“Love ya babes x” Glowduo my beloved <3333

H and Ran intersecting and exchanging “How do”s :))

GREEN POPPED OFF!!!!

“Lily, how are you liking your first event?” “I’m buying a green geckos t-shirt right now!!”

“I’ve won too much, unfortunately” “I am going to name… a haybale after you… and burn it” this is exactly the energy I wanted from H and Ran :))

Ranboo and H gonna be the cause of a new stat breakdown, see y’all in two hours

Ace Race

The vod is muted I’m crying

They did well!! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!!!

Transboo my beloved <333

Sands of Time

SANDKEEPER H RAAAAAAHHHHH

H, how’s the timer?? How’s the timer, H???

This is so painful

OH MY GOODNESS LMAO

Meltdown

Lily and Sykkuno just being absolutely silent while H and Ranboo bicker in the tone you would discipline a pet with 😂

Round two started and they all jolted awake lmao

WHAT JUST HAPPENED /pos

Ran went rabid, good for them!!!!

RAN OPENING THEIR INVENTORY MIDCOMBAT THEN GETTING A QUAD KILL?!????

They’re popping off!!!!

4TH!!!!!

Battle box

Lily carry!!

That aqua rush was terrifying but the countered it perfectly!!!

Ran’s keyboard is so loud 😭😭😭

Guys it’s fine, attempts were made and fun was had

Can’t believe antfrost got tickled to death, fat rip

NOT LAST!!!!!

Lily and Sykkuno holding hands on the individual leaderboard my beloved (don’t look at where they are, all that matters is that they’re together <3)

Dodgebolt

Sykkuno saying the event is rigged in Scott’s favor and him immediately falling off the map 😂

“Surely, surely” “… Temple” me too HBomb

WHY ARE ME AND H ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH?!?? He’s very adhd today (I don’t know if he actually has adhd)

Them all frantically switching to purple merch lmao

DO IT FOR THE GECKOS!!!!

I CANT BELIEVE GREEN WON!!!!!

H bullying Ranboo for not being able to win a 20v20 😂😂😂

Not one, not two, but three dodgebolts

“We should refer to each other by our numbers” this is like the twitch leaks all over again lmao

“Wow, that was a really good way to not get either of them” the SLANDER lmao

This devolved into an auction so fast, I’m losing my mind /pos

#mc championship #mcc p23 #ranboo #hbomb94 #sykunno #lilypichu #nerdy’s mcc reactions #cw caps

[scarefox]

Ugh, one of my female coworkers asked the temporary exchange custom official guys today if they are single... BUT in behalf of ‘our group here’ because apparently we all wanted to know that and were crushing on them and she constantly gets poked at that she should ask 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️ 

I JUST SO HOPE THEY DIDN’T THINK I ASKED HER. Because I might come across as a bit flirty sometimes when that’s just my natural personality especially if I try to get a fun little relaxing environment with my coworkers (I am basically just sarcastic and don’t care about social standards is what misunderstand some people a bit + the neurodivergent struggling of looking at the person while talking with them). But also the situation kinda looked like it, since I am part of her coworker group in that department and directly work with them. But before she asked I went out while she joined me and the moment I come back she drops that bomb on them.

WTF GURL

Don’t drag me into that?

I am so not attracted to them and was so confused when she and an other girl started secretly gushing over them. I really can’t get behind the taste of most cishet girls...

The vibe definitely became a bit awkward after that. At least I won’t see them again after today, they just helped out this week.

#I know I overthink but it was just kinda annoying

[potatopossums]

i have so many complicated fears right now.

aro, ace, and agender

these are the words that most closely describe who i am, still without being totally or consistently correct all the time. they're the closest words i have.

I'm divorced. i discovered i was queer in a cishet marriage. i have discovered so many things about myself since then.

one thing i do know is that relationships are scary. I've been in many, and i have trauma from nearly all of them. my mind is hard on me. i blame myself for so much.

i don't know how to navigate this friendship i have.

on one hand, you could call it queerplatonic. maybe a romantic friendship. maybe a lesbian companionship. maybe a whole host of other words. i wouldn't really call her my girlfriend no matter how many times we kiss or have sex or hold hands or cuddle or cry together. i don't have an aversion to that word, but given the context of our relationship, given that we are openly just doing things as they come and walking together in this strange queerness, i don't think girlfriend really describes her at all to me. she is my friend. the someone i like to admire and see, especially when she doesn't notice. i like to think about us in a home somewhere, separate but together, free and connected, companions without coercion or force. there have been times i looked at her and just knew she was so pretty and beautiful that i wanted to be married to her. I've had many dreams that we were young and married, in the most queer way i can imagine, in a way i cannot possibly explain, one that makes sense to me without ever having a wedding ceremony, like we were just always married, like we just looked at each other and held hands and were married as friends and that was that. she doesn't feel like a soulmate, but she does feel important.

and when it comes to the rest of the world, outside my own head, i don't know how to navigate any of that. i don't know how to really explain it to anyone, say it aloud, or even walk through the world this way. i know how I feel, and i don't know if the world will ever get it. i just like my companions. i like my buddies. there's no word for her that works right. there's never a word that works just right. she has short blonde hair that frames her face in a bob and she smiles the best in green and i love it when she comes out of her shell and is her whole self.

she's thinking of moving a state away, and that was a moment that scared me. i was already scared when we had sex again after agreeing not to. i don't want my same tragedy to reoccur, like my old marriage rearing it's ugly head. i don't want my traumatized self to come out and hurt her. i know there are so many things in me that are afraid. i don't want to lose a friend. I've had dreams of living with her almost since we met, just because it seemed like she would be someone I'd enjoy seeing regularly. i have fears about long distance relationships. i have fears about all of the things that could possibly happen.

it is so much and i never really expected to feel the things i do now. i never expected to really be here. it's not the same as i would have wanted years ago. it's closer to what i really want now. but it's also just confusing. there's no blueprint, no map. i followed all the markers and waypoints for cishet alloromantic allosexual monogamy. i did everything right and it didn't work for me. i don't know how to follow this new path. society did not teach me how to forge my own path. i am afraid. i want things to go well. i want to feel close to people. i want to feel appreciated and loved. i want to feel free and love myself. i want to feel connected to myself and others. how i accomplish that here, i do not know. all i know how to do is to be honest. regardless of how i label any of it anymore. i can only be as honest as possible. and that is scary.

imagine showing someone the worst parts of you. she sees me as gentle, wise even. i know what to say when she is struggling. I've been through enough therapy that it's starting to stick. but i still know there are things deep in me, things i don't like. i don't ever want to hurt her. i don't want to lash out. i don't want to treat her poorly. she deserves so much better than that.

we talked about dancing like idiots at a wedding. not at ours, but at someone else's. i don't know if i ever want to have a wedding in any traditional sense. i want it to just be us choosing. i don't want other people's opinions about our love or matrimony or couplehood or anything else. i don't want in-laws, i don't want to be forced to like anyone or get along with anyone. i don't want to separate her from her family, nor do I want to hide her from mine. i think my mom would love her. i think my mom would love to see me happy. i want us to be individuals who choose to spend our time together, not doing so out of any sense of obligation. i want us to choose that always, every time. never forced. i want us to show up exactly how we want, each of us. i want us to be able to back up and out if needed. i want us to feel what we feel without shame or guilt or embarrassment. i just want us to exist how we are, and i really hope that can still be together sometimes. i want us to walk together sometimes. maybe a lot. as often as feels good for both of us.

#aromantic #queer #alterous #personal #agender #aesthetic attraction #friendship #gynephile #queerplatonic #aromantic lesbian #aroace #companionship

[weirdozjunkary]

slightly personal post

This is something out of the blue, but I figured I'd share what I've been thinking in hopes that someone can help me with myself. It will be under the cut so this isn't a long post (might delete at some time)

I have been thinking about my gender, sexuality, and pronouns recently. As I don't feel.... Connected to any of it as much as I thought I did. I'm not cishet and am questioning my identity if thats what your wondering, ive been out of that for a while. I still feel connected to the gender I'm attracted to, and the pronouns I have of myself. But it doesn't feel quite right, I feel sort of disconnected from it.

Ive done research about any possible gender or lack of gender I could be, and none seem to truly fit me as far as I know. I know I'm trans as the body I'm in makes me feel awful pretty much every time I look at it, but something just doesn't fit in me. The same is with my pronouns, I don't think neopronouns would fit me, but idk something feels off. Am I possibly just transmasc in denial. I'm unsure 

My sexuality is more so about the aroace spectrum. I know I'm definitely ace as I never want to do that with someone, but I'm unsure about my romantic attraction. Ive stated on a previous post that I might be Aborosexual and/or demiromantic, but still I can't help but question myself. What if I am fully aroace and I'm just denying or forcing myself to be in a relationship when I can't? That thought makes me sad, and I know some aroace people have had similar sad thoughts of their sexuality to

Haha, this post is a bit more personal than I thought, but I just want to know about myself and who I actuall am. I don't like to feel confused 

#Weirdz rambles #lgbt #Lgbt identity #gender identity #sexuality identity #pronouns

[lostcitysystem]

I’m gonna vent for a sec (lmk if I need to add any more TWs)

I honestly don’t know if I’m nonbinary or a trans man. Ever since I can remember I always wanted to be a boy and as a child (I know this isn’t inherently a trans thing and mainly based on gender norms) I only hung out with boys, didn’t like girly things and didn’t really understand girls. As an autistic person it’s especially difficult for me to understand gender norms and gender altogether which is why I’ve labelled myself as nonbinary. When I see men or trans men though, I have this intense feeling of longing and I just desperately want to be like them. That is until I try binding or dressing in a more masculine way and then I get dysmorphia (not dysphoria) because I have internalised fatphobia and feel as though the only way to look nice as a man is to be skinny (I only feel this about myself, not towards any trans men or men, that would be fucked up). When I’ve tried binding, I feel like I instantly become unattractive because I’m removing one of the only “good” things about being fat (my boobs). Again this applies to no one but myself, fat is beautiful, I just have a terrible body image. I want to look exactly like a man and pass and to hang out with people and for them to see me as a man. But I don’t know if I am a man. Maybe I just want to be skinny and androgynous? I’ve never been able to look androgynous because I have very feminine features but if I did then I think I would feel really happy. My fantasies about being a man are so vivid and don’t relate to any specific scenario, I want to be seen as a man hanging out with other men, I want to be seen as a man whilst dating people, I want to be seen as a man when I go shopping etc. I just feel so confused and I know how much this makes me sound like an egg and honestly I just might be but I find it so hard to take any real steps towards affirming my identity with how I currently look and present. Not only that but my partner is a cishet man so he would leave me. I just want to look like my gender but I don’t even know what that is.

If anyone has any advice about this please let me know, I feel so confused.

-Blue🌌

#tw fatphobia #fatphobia #fatphobia tw #internalised fatphobia #vent #tw vent #vent tw #rant #tw rant #rant tw

[lgbtpolitics]

Apologies for the long ask, I am just rambling and I'm curious about your take on this if you're interested.

Re: your post about bi women, biphobia is very very different when coming from gay men and lesbians versus straight people in my experience. And with women, when it comes from straight people it tends to be pretty similar to lesbophobia? Like, women are naturally attracted to men and that's the way it should be, so lesbians are sick in the head and bi women are just confused and will grow out of it -- or in one recent example, a middle-aged bi woman was treated like a lesbian because she married a woman after being married to a man, and she was treated like she was abandoning men or something. No time left to grow out of it I guess? She reached her assigned-woman-expiration-date maybe?

When it comes from cishet people it comes from a position of power that's being threatened by the presence of happy LGBT people, and/or an ingrained sense of disgust. I won't speak for gay men but with lesbians, biphobia often comes from experiences of oppression (the way men treat women in general, especially lesbians, the way attraction to men is considered required for sanity and respect, etc) that they then project on bi women -- and often, also straight women.

So it honestly is a very very different discussion to be had, depending on where the biphobia is coming from. And I understand why bi people so often point these discussions at lesbians and gay men rather than cishets, because cishets are in a position of power over all of us whereas lesbians and gay men aren't. Cishets have no incentive to listen or respect bisexuals, but the LGBT community is a community.

Nooo rant away!

And yeah I totally agree with what you're saying, biphobia from gay men and lesbians comes from a different place (thats not to say less harmful, just different) than it does in cishet people. Even just looking at within the LGBT community, there are a lot of different strands of bigotry towards one another; you have biphobia that comes from the very "exclusionist" (for want of a better word) strain i.e. that bisexual men and women aren't really LGBT, and then you have a level of biphobia that comes from a more "inclusionist" standpoint i.e. that bisexuals arent inclusive enough and should identify as pansexual etc.

And yeah i think part of the focus on gay men and lesbians comes from exactly what you say - it feels like a more achievable goal to eradicate biphobia from gay men and lesbians (whether it is more achievable or not idk but i think some perceive it as such) or at least to push biphobic LGBT people out of social circles enough to be irrelevant. And tbh i dont think its entirely wrong to focus so much on this; as biphobia from cishets is in the same sphere as general homophobia and transphobia this does actually get a fair amount of attention even if its not specific in the same way, if that makes sense. Attention needs to be drawn to intercommunity bigotry because its more likely to be swept under the rug.

What kind of annoys me, and this is what i felt about the post in question, is that sometimes people seem to spend so much time and effort on intercommunity bigotry they almost seem to forget about the more general bigotry. Case in point; the post said nothing at all about the LGBT community specifically, was just talking about self hatred in bi women, and yet people were absolutely insisting that bi women are much more hated for liking men than women. The idea that bi women have no reason to feel shame about liking women is the direct implication of some of the responses.

Whats kind of ironic about these things is that it somwhat comes full circle - if bi women genuinely had no issues about liking other women, but mostly felt self-hatred about liking men, they would actually have very little in common with lesbians.

[jamesbranwen]

what is your gender

this feels like bait but I'm gonna answer it like I'm journaling becuz that's a complicated question

i usually say i am a cis female becuz that's what I've been told my whole life but i don't know if that's fully true

my queerness is very important to my identity and i think i am outside that cis range a little bit

like am i a woman? maybe? maybe it's the autism but I'm not sure what it's supposed to feel like to be a woman

i know i hate being perceived as a cishet woman. but I'm not a man. i present rather androgynously irl (and i guess online too i go by jamez lol). maybe my visible queerness is a defense mechanism because i ABHOR how people treat me when i read as feminine. i like having longer hair but it's such a hassle because the way people interact with me when I grow out my hair is so different and i find it hella demeaning.

people have also, at different times throughout my life, mistaken me as a trans person, both MTF and FTM and I've dealt with transphobia/intersexism/queerphobia in general because of it. I'm intersex. outwardly, i have a flat chest, but I'm skinny, but I'm also tall, but i have a weak jawline, but i have body hair, etc. i confuse people. i think i look enough like a cis woman and i have a pretty high voice so when people who are confused find out I'm a girl they are usually no longer confused and accept that. i either get read as a gnc woman or a tall preteen boy for the most part.

i think the sticking point for me is that even when I'm not presenting so androgynously, i *feel* androgynous, and i want people to see me as androgynous. i prefer she/her pronouns for myself and i don't really like they/them, i actually don't mind he/him either but not in man way and more in a lesbian way.

when it comes down to it i think I'm queer and if you want the most honest answer is that I'm genderweird. I don't feel like I'm a part of the non-binary community really, I'm comfortable in my own skin (not that being uncomfortable is a requirement to be trans or non binary but i think people expect me to be more uncomfortable with my non-female traits than i am now. i used to be very self conscious but I've learned to not give a fuck and be myself), I'm not "out" to anyone irl besides being openly gay, and i don't feel uncomfortable labeling myself as cis because i was afab and i don't necessarily disagree. i think I'm a cis female*. i think queer or lesbian describes my gender better than woman or girl does, but i don't have the energy or desire to go around correcting people.

also, it's not really your business, anon, but that's the answer.

#long post #ask #answered #anonymous