#im so stressed about everything and all and my stupid anxiety is making it fucking impossible to seek treatment

[pepprs]

im discontent and tired but like too discontent and tired to put it into words i think. lol

#purrs #prefacing this as usual by saying that i love my job. but also… every single situation. EVERY situation. is a primal situation in one way. l #like either i am dying of hunger / thirst / sleep deprivation and feeling it so hard i can’t focus on my work or i am so stressed that i am #being chased into a hidey hole by all the pressures or i am projecting my parents onto ppl and reliving primal moments of abaondoment and ex #exclusion LMFAO. And it’s like there’s no wonder i am so fucking exhausted every day when i come home i have lived 746 lifetimes in the last #8-9 hours. but it’s just so insane and im so tired. i literally thought i was gonna have an anxiety attack earlier today and it was bc i had #health anxiety bc my heart was pounding so hard over my facilitation anxiety that i got scared my heart was legitimately going to give out a #and then i started spiralling and like. lol i don’t think that’s healthy. i just want the election to be over so fucking bad but also i cant #just throw up my hands and give up and hope for the best i am literally being paid to give everything i have to making the world better so i #im gonna do it it’s just i am so often like the youngest and least experienced person in the room and im insecure about that and also i am j #just scared like… as a person and it’s just a lot to deal with i guess. lol #guess i was able to put it into words lol. but the moments of me projecting shit are so annoying bc then i get mad and then my feelings get #hurt bc no one notices im mad but also i don’t want anyone to notice im mad bc im being stupid for literaly no reason so. idk im just #ear ripped tated right now over stupid stupid shit that genuinely does not matter and has no bearing but when it’s little things that build #up over the course of the day… idk. it’s just hard 💃🏻 #delete later #this is abt smth that happened in a meeting today brw it’s not abt anyone including irls i saw today / this week i love u 😽 #also side note i saw literally SO many of the ppl closest to me this week. like that used to be an almost every day occurrence and i think t #this week not only did i see… like not to name drop on my tumblr blog with redacted followers but not only did i see you markya and #david but i saw tirzah AND brandon AND radia. WTF!!!!! that’s so many of my favorite people all in one week!!!! :DDDDDDD #(omg pretend i put ‘you’ after all the ppl it applies to)

[yelloworangesoda]

this got away from me

#i wish i was a rich pretty guy or something but instead im a regular looking regular guy with parents that earn regular money #i was born to be one of those annoying bratty rich kids who dont work ever. that should be me #or something. i complain about work constantly but guys i do not want to go to school. i dont. i dont. i dont i dont. i dont i dont and i #dont know what to do about it. its spring. ive got like a month to figure out how im getting out of this #im not doing this i cannot do this. i cant i cant i cant. im so stressed i can tell im so stressed bc im getting acne and my eczema is awfu #its only a matter of time before i break out in hives or some shit i cant do it i cant do it. i cant. i cant #god everything is really getting to me. i cant i dont have a place here i dont i have no purpose in life and everyone just wants me to act #like. thats not true bc um. well! haha what are you gonna do! haha its fine. keep moving forward. ignore your anxiety and the fact that #everything makes you miserable constantly. and even the things that make you happy make you miserable. ignore that #go to college. normal ppl go to college :) no you want to sleep all day because youre not doing anything. which is a personal failure. #you should instead do something that makes you miserable. thatll fix it. dont kill yourself thats stupid. you have so much to live for! lik #um. well youre supposed to live. so. ignore yknow everything in the world and push forward. bc it will get better! once um. #um. yknow. you graduate in 8 years? be a dentist…. um bc. you like teeth. and it makes money. and well you need the money! youre going to #college!!!! you need that money to pay for it after all. dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it #its okay we’ll do everything we can to make it cheaper. to do the thing you dont want to do at all even a little bit. no dont kill yourself #you have so much to live for! a career in something youve never been interested in! or yknow a different career youre not interested in #i dont want to kill myself!!! i dont want to kill myself i want something to fucking live for!!!!!! a want a life that doesnt make me feel #like i have to kill myself!!!!!!!!!! #simons spouting #vent :( #suicide //

[satansappendix]

I'm frustrated by my mom

#she doesnt seem to understand my concern that the random vomiting im expericing is esophogus cancer #i mean my dad literally just died from it a few months ago #even when i bring up that this morning i woke up needing to vomit and when i ran to the toilet i literally couldnt #i was doing all the motions of throwing up except having things actaully really exit my stomach #a little bit did at the very begining then stopped #and now i have a tight pain in my chest right arounf where my stomach would be but nah thtas just acid reflux #thats all the classic symptoms according to my mom #which its not????! #like that doesnt make anysense to bereflux #the unexplained vomiting did but this fucking doesnt #and now im so stressed im gonna fucking die from a stupid cancer and i dont feel like i can tell her about it cause shell just think im craz #the same way she thought that when i was so stressed that lageos got hurt after he fell out of a second story window #but nah he was fine you are overreacting #i just cant tell her anything okay #im so stressed about everything and all and my stupid anxiety is making it fucking impossible to seek treatment #like i know this isnt normal and i need treatment for my anxeity and vomiting but i cant get it without help #like i cant function i need help making the stupid calls to the gatroenertoligst #I just cant do this #and i know im probably insane and that its actually some simple thing #but also im so stressed about it and i cant do anything but sit here and have nothing happen or change #you know its funny to be so scared of dieing and also be fucking suicidal #like i dont see anything in my future and it all seems so bleak and like ill be stuck forever #but also thinking about if im gonna die from cancer or something is so terrifying #im in a bad place lol and it doesnt matter #it all feels hopeless and terrifying and i dont want to be a burden #and it feels like everyone hates me and know thats not true but i cant help it #and i want everyone to hate me so i can just sleep and noone will fucking care i can just be done and noone would notice #i dont know im just here i guess #im not well

[munsons-mutiny]

Headcanon that next season it’s Steve not Jonathan who catches Will staring at Mike with patented Wheeler Longing. He knows that look, hell he invented that look.

And is very first thought is God Damn I’m just collecting Gays at this point.

He makes an effort to spend more time with Will when he realizes. While they’re all volunteering and just doing their best in the weeks after losing Eddie, he always tries to make sure Will knows he sees him.

As they get closer he starts taking wise cracks at El and Mike whenever they’re around, stupid sassy comments that never fail to make Will smile or even laugh. Eventually he even starts roping Will into teasing Robin for being hopeless with girls. (Robin is of course in on it and has approved being outed in this scenario, Steve would never have revealed it otherwise)

The first time it had happened Will had frozen up completely looking around to see who was listening, he looked terrified. But Steve just kept his reaction natural and Robin just rolled her eyes talking about all of his strike outs last summer. Their usual banter filling the space until Will could breathe again, could join back in to give Robin shit.

His smiles are even brighter after that, even more open, and sometimes when the three of them are alone he comments on a cute boy he saw, or really rants about Mike. Steve and him bond over Wheeler rants, even though Steve really is over Nancy now.

When shit inevitably kicks off again, Steve keeps an even closer eye on Will. He’s one of the people that he’s overprotective of now, and it’s the first time one of those people have been the focus of the enemies. Have had a target painted on their back. It has him so stressed already, that he hits his breaking point the day they encounter Kaz.

Not Eddie. Cause he’s not Eddie, not anymore. He nearly took a bite out of Dustin, and Johnathon had to restrain Mike to stop him from running to him. Only stopped fighting when Kaz grinned at him blood covered fangs and dead eyes.

It was a bad day.

They somehow all make it back to the cabin unscathed, and Steve has to keep it together. Has to make himself strong while Dustin falls apart in his arms, and Mike is pacing and shouting at anyone who will listen. Tears streaming down his face. He keeps it together for hours, til Dustin falls asleep against him, and Will finally got Mike to sit down and pass out. Only when he’s sure he can escape unnoticed, does he stand and let himself outside to the back of the cabin.

The second he’s there he collapses into sobs. Falls to the ground and puts his face in his hands to muffle them. Shakes with the effort of it all.

It doesn’t take long for an arm to wrap around him as he’s tugged into and awkward side hug. When he looks up it’s to see Will comfortingly just there as much as he can be. They sit silently for what feels like hours before Steve finally speaks,

“I’m sorry”

“Why on earth are you apologizing?”

“I can usually keep it together better than this, they need me to be strong right now.”

“Nothing about this makes you weak. This is such a fucked up situation, this is worse than just losing him. And I know how important he was to the party. Im sorry I didn’t realize how important he was to you” Steve just shakes his head at him,

“He wasn’t not really, I only knew him after everything started going down. Only really spoke to him a handful of times. And honestly I didn’t even like him!” Steve’s voice picks up hear going higher and almost frantic, “He was annoying! And touchy! He gave me so much shit, and was always all over me! He flirted constantly, and was totally insufferable, and honestly I’m pretty sure Dustin liked him more than me! And! And….” His voice deflates on the last and, the fight and anxiety going out of him, “I couldn’t get him out of my fucking head man.” Will almost cant believe what he’s hearing.

“Steve are you?- Did you?” He almost cant ask the question, figured Steve would’ve told him by now if he was. What with their little group of queers that Steve tends to watch over. Heck Robin had even called him the unicorn collector! Like he was separate from them!

Steve just shakes his head frantically, “No! Or yes? More like maybe” He just sights putting his head back in his hands, “ I don’t even know anymore, there had always been fleeting attraction to guys but never anything- real, never anything like this! And then- well, he was gone before I ever got a chance to figure it out. Before we ever got a chance.” And he looks small, defeated like he doesn’t know what to do with himself, and Will can’t stand it.

“Well then we save him, we get him back, and you figure it out”

#so this is rough #and unedited #but just #Steve and Will being close please #and Will and Robin getting queer solidarity please #steve harrington #will byers #robin buckley #eddie munson #steddie #steddie drabble #angst #Mike wheeler #he’s there’s for a second #Byler if you squint #they’ll get there #queer solidarity

[cupoftaae]

Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ please hold my hand (chapter 11)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 6k

chapter warnings- swearing, fighting, so much fucking angst omg, anxiety, panic attack, mentions of pregnancy, mentions of body issues, mentions of abortion.

author note- Hey guys, apologies on the delayed posting, life has yet to calm down for me and im writing in my free time to try and distract me, (free time which is very limited) I wrapped up my semester and now im getting a job, recently someone close to me passed and on top of that im dealing with family fights and shit, so ive been trying to not rip my hair out. I love all of you guys so much and appreciate you for reading my stories, i know im a smaller author on here just writing silly bts fics and stuff but I find comfort in having a small community on here that I can run to when I need to just get away from everyone irl. Sorry for the blabbling but yes- bottom line is I just appreciate you all so much <3 feel free to ever message me anytime if you need someone to talk to, im here always.

enjoy the chapter!

Taehyung knew you were off

something wasnt right and he knew it, but he also knew to give you time to come to him on your own.

The next morning he sat with you in the bathroom, it was pretty early and birds could be heard outside chirping as the sun rose.

"so....whats going on?" he asked

You woke up first, trying (Failing) to come up with some way to explain that you are pregnant, he heard you pacing the room and stress organizing random shit, so he awoke too.

"nothing"

He frowned, "but last night you told me you wanted to talk" he gently reached out and pulled you closer to him, your eyes glued to the floor.

"oh that..i um...."

its now or never.

Do it.

tell him.

Tell him you are pregnant, we're gonna have a ba-

"i was wondering when I could have my phone back" you blurbed out

His eyes sank to yours, "Y/N...." he sighed, "when we get back to Busan"

"but i just want to check stuff...really quickly" you looked at him, eyes wide

"i dont think thats a good idea"

"why not?"

"because of everything that is going on...you dont need to get hurt by Kaito and his stupid ass friends anymore than you already have"

"but-"

"no" he shushed, "those rumors are only rumors and will die down soon, fuck that school....just enjoy the rest of the week with me" he softly whispered, pressing the lightest kiss to your lips as you frowned.

sure, it was an excuse to cover up the actual problem at hand, but you really did want your phone back, your mind had been so caught up with baby kim that you completely forgot about the shit storm you had to walk into the moment your flight landed back in Busan.

You refused to look at him as he rubbed your back, "cmon, lets shower"

you both ended up underneath the warm water, cuddling up as your face leaned into his chest, silently.

His hands softly roamed to hold your hips, squishing your skin slightly.

"hey!"

He softly giggled, "m'sorry baby"

"no" you scoffed and tried to move his hands off your waist. "I know I gained weight dont make me feel like shit"

He immediately frowned, "honey i wasnt trying to make you upset, you look beautiful, I think you actually look even prettier, you were losing so much weight this past year with stress and school....you look healthier"

"healthy is code for fat, no?"

Taehyung shook his head, "no baby, i mean it, you are so beautiful"

you turned around to face the shower head as he ran his fingers through your wet hair.

"why are you so moody?" he whispered softly, kissing your shoulder

"im not!"

He hummed, "kinda..."

"just stop" you sighed, wringing your hair out and pushing the curtain aside to get out, drying and wrapping your body with a towel as Taehyung watched, concerned.

You wanted to tell him so bad, but every time the possibility of even mentioning the situation tried to come up, you froze.

You still couldn't fathom it yourself....you were so young...and about to have a kid that you didnt plan for.

You hated it. You hated every ounce of it, because now you were growing attached to the small little thing, it didnt even have a formed body yet and it was already starting to make you feel protective and soft.

You found yourself resting your hand on your abdomen every now and then, not even realizing it. You also saw yourself whispering to it as you ranted when you were alone.

You didnt hate the baby, its not like they asked to be there, it was yours and taehyungs fault, and it was a symbol of the love between you both.

What you hated however- was the fact you knew you didnt have what it takes to be a mother, and the baby would end up resenting you and never speaking to you after 18 years.

You were guilty and sad and struggling, and all you wanted to do was be held and loved and told that it was gonna realistically be okay.

And you knew the only way you could get that is if you told someone.

The rest of the week went by okay,

Your mother had taken tae and you up to her friends farm where you both had worked and helped him plant flowers, you also discovered that this "friend" of hers was anything but.

"hey they look kinda cute" taehyung giggled, filling the soil with his potted flowers

you crossed your arms, "no they dont, shes literally seeing someone and didnt even tell me!! her daughter!!! can you imagine??"

Taehyung smiled, "well...its not like you and i arent keeping anything from her right" he smirked

"if we told her we were 'dating' I doubt she would be shocked, this is different"

"how so?"

"Shes just...." you sighed and watched the front porch of his farm, where your mom and him sat on the swing "thats not my dad"

"dont you want her to be happy, y/n?"

"this isnt about that....what if he breaks her heart like dad did? what if he just fucking leaves when things get difficult?"

Taehyung looked at you softly, knowing this was more than you being upset at your mom finding a romantic interest and not telling you.

"its okay" he whispered, pulling your attention back to the flowers.

Your mind was racing, and suddenly you got hit with a thought that knocked the wind out of you.

What if taehyung left?

the men in your life dont have a good track record here, and what if him being happy over the baby isnt true, what if he is mad and leaves....its so easy for him to just leave.

As the trip ended, you began to distance yourself slightly, as if you were already trying to prepare for when he does go.

The morning of your flight, the thought of getting on another plane ride nauseated you

"we gotta get you anti-motion sickness pills" taehyung smiled, handing you your coffee order from the airport starbucks. "you arent even on the plane yet and you seem pale."

Coffee, not good for the baby. You read that on a forum last night.

You nod, looking off into the distance as he tries to hold your hand to walk to the end of the terminal, you slowly step away

"you ok?" he whispers, looking at you

"y-yeah...just clammy...dont wanna hold hands"

He nodded in understanding.

You wanted to hold him, climb on his back as he walked even, but you needed to distance yourself, in case it ended up being just you and baby.....just as was with your mom and you.

As you found your way to your seats, you tried to just sleep away all your thoughts, but it proved more difficult than you hoped.

Taehyung slept peacefully as you bounced your knee and picked at your nails. The poor woman sitting in front of both of you struggled to keep her own children in their seats while she fed her newborn, who was beginning to wail.

Damn....you were overwhelmed just watching

Taehyung woke up and darted his eyes to the kids in front of him, one boy peeking around to both of you and sticking out his tongue.

He softly giggled and waved, whispering "hello" as he shot you a knowing look.

They made a small interaction with eachother, doing silly faces back and forth until the younger child got tired and crawled over to his mothers lap once more. To say it wasnt cute was a lie.

Maybe he would be okay, perhaps you were overthinking it all

He would be excited, right?

You weakly smiled and took a sip of water, stomach churning.

Taehyung lifted the arm-rest so he could move closer, his arm pulling you to him as he kissed your head- you were trapped.

"Want some mint gum?" he whispered, reaching into his little bag

"no im okay"

"princess it might help the nausea?"

you sighed and leaned away, "im fine just stop"

he frowned and looked back at the small tv in front of him, his own mind stressing over if he did or said something wrong to you. Youve been super moody towards him since the trip and it was a tad bit concerning.

You felt awful, but you were overstimulated with so much shit that you couldnt put on a lovey dovey act right now.

Taehyung put his headphones on and unwrapped the piece of gum, placing it into his own mouth as his head rested against the seat, defeated.

this is wrong

this is so fucking wrong, and you know it. He has been there for you time and time again, and you just push him away when you know he would be more than accepting of the situation that very much involves the two of you.

Rip the fucking bandaid off.

Later that night, you two finally arrived home to your apartment after getting out of your uber.

"let me take these to the elevator" tae smiled, taking your luggage and throwing it over his shoulder.

"thanks" you whispered, rubbing your eyes in exhaustion.

You leaned against him after pressing the button of your floor and getting your key out.

"sleepy?" he mumbled

"yeah..."

the doors open and both of you walk down the hall, passing doors of other apartments.

It was peaceful, being home.

You had fun with your mother and spending your birthday at your childhood home, but nothing will beat the comfort of this apartment.

You watched the back of taehyungs head as he walked in front of you, holding two suitcases while making sure his fish baby was okay as well, it was adorable.

Your eyes were fixated on him as you approached the end of the hall

You placed the key into the door and practically watched him drop everything to the floor, (besides the tiny fish tank)

"we can unpack tomorrow right?" he sighed, tiredly

you nod and begin to walk into your bedroom, where taehyung follows.

after getting comfy and clean, the two of you settled into bed in the dark room.

Taehyungs arm draped over your waist, keeping your back flush against his chest.

You sighed, closing your eyes as peacefully as you could as his lips found their way to your shoulder and neck

"tae-"

"i missed you" he whispered, a hint of humor in his voice

your eyes stayed glued to the wall

"dont get me wrong, I love your mom, but she is the number one cock blocker-"

"im tired and want to sleep." you speak, voice stern now.

he pulled away as if you burned him, "...sorry" his head fell against the pillow as he rolled to lay on his back.

It was quiet for a moment, "did i do something wrong?" he whispered

you took a second to reply, "what?"

"this entire week, things have been....weird....with us. Did i upset you, princess?"

Taehyungs voice was low and shaky, as if he was afraid of breaking you. Sure, the week was bad in the aspects of Kaito and his bullshit, but there was no reason to take it out on taehyung.

"are you saying this because I dont want to have sex right now?" you sat up, looking at him with disgust.

He quickly threw his hands up in defense, "baby- no!! Thats not it at all, its nothing to do with anything like that"

You audibly sighed, running your hands over you face as you listened to him speak

He continued, "you just seem....off...and i want to make sure that you are ok"

to make sure....that you are ok.

The man who has little to worry about in this life, and situation wants everything to be okay.

You threw the covers off your body, rising to your feet as you walked towards the bathroom, suddenly it was too much again.

Too much to juggle, too much for one single woman to deal with at once, it wasnt fucking fair that you were here right now.

You blamed yourself because you both were careless, and now you blame yourself because you have authority, and responsibility for this child. Yes- he may want it, but your mind races back to the fact of how he struggles to even look after himself. He might get overwhelmed and give up, your life may fall apart, and hes rambling about YOU being OKAY?

"where are you going?" he got up quickly, following after you

You pivoted on your heel, blocking him from entering the bathroom with you, "i just want to be alone right now taehyung, Please"

He scoffed, "you cant act like this, get me all worried, then run away and hide, thats not fair!"

Your eyes widened, "not fair? why is how I act not fair to you? why do you assume every action, every emotion, every breath is about YOU??"

He stood back a little, not prepared for how you suddenly turned from cold shoulder to just plain angry.

"y-you have no idea!" you gripped your hair as you got a glance of yourself in the mirror, and as quick as it was, tears began to form at the lining of your eyes.

"idea of what, y/n? you are scaring me" taehyung whispered, unsure if he should attempt to comfort you.

You took a few breathes and rubbed your arms to self soothe yourself, "Its late....im tired....youre tired, lets just sleep please"

"sleep? after this?"

you nod, silently shutting the door to the bathroom as he stood in front of it. "you are gonna sleep in the fucking bathroom?"

"who cares if I do?"

He sighed, looking down. He wanted to help and was only met with a door slamming to the face, and you ignoring his pleas to help you with whatever this was.

He tried once more, hand jiggling the door handle, "baby...baby please....."

You sat on the other side, your back pressed against the door and your knees to your chest as tears fell freely now. You felt like an awful person- perhaps you were one.

He whispers, voice cracking, "whats going on? why wont you....why cant I help?"

You wiped your eyes, looking down at your hands as taehyung spoke behind the door. "please just go...."

"no...im not going to leave you when you are in an emotional state like this"

"please." you try once more

"y/n, im not joking around anymore, open the fucking door."

Your heart raced at his sudden fed up tone, you knew he wasnt going to let this rest tonight.

"y/n....open the door"

the two rooms were filled with silent breathing, it felt like forever before you suddenly stood up as he listened to your shuffling.

You blew your nose and looked at yourself in the mirror again, a mess. an absolute mess, how could one fuck up this badly?

suddenly...this is beyond you, especially in this moment.

Its not just your life anymore, and you are being selfish a bit. He has a right to know, its not just a you problem. You sigh, eyes on the mirror. all you could see was someone whos had maybe one of the biggest downfalls of the century....but you also saw a girl who was vulnerable, and wanted to try.

Your hand shakes as it moved to unlock and open the door, you met taehyung who stood there with fear in his eyes, obviously more than just concerned over the bizarre behavior.

"taehyung." you whispered so quietly, that if any other noise was occurring in the house, he wouldnt have heard you.

He stuck his eyes onto yours, not leaving for a second.

"i-im.." you choked, trying to compose yourself.

"youre what, princess?" he whispered, using your same soft and comforting tone

shaking your head, you let out a soft sob, feeling embarrassed but knowing there was no other way around the situation anymore, and the longer you dragged this out, the worse things crumbled

you said it in one, big, relieving exhale. it felt wrong to say aloud, but your chest was no longer tight, breathing was slightly easier.

"i'm pregnant."

Taehyung's air left his lungs, his face contorted into different expressions, mouth moving to form words yet nothing was coming out.

You couldnt look at him anymore, eyes darting to your feet.

"i-im sorry...fuck" you walked past him, moving into the living room as he stayed where he was.

You stood in the center of the room, shocked at what you had just done on some random night, the clock read 2:28am. You wanted something special, and instead you dumped it on him as if you were telling him what you were making for dinner.

he looked around, the words you just said suddenly hitting him, suddenly becoming real.

"youre what?" he whispered to himself, heart beginning to race as he turned around quickly and chased after you.

you had moved to sit near the window, looking at the city in the dark room. His soft footsteps could be heard over your quiet cries.

"dont hate me" you cried, "please dont hate me" you wiped your eyes, unable to turn around to face him. "I already hate myself, I know this isnt what we had planned but god...taehyung," you turned your head softly, eyes blood-shot, "please dont go" you whispered.

He stood behind you, hands clammy.

You tried your best not to have a full blown meltdown, you were already tired enough.

He slowly sank to his knees, a softer expression overtaking his previous one.

"i-if you w-want me to abort it, I dont think I can" you sobbed, "i know school isnt even done yet, we are so young and everyone will hate me, im so sorry taeh-"

He inturrupted you quickly, wrapping you into his arms tightly, tears of his own falling. "no, no no,.." he tucked your face into his neck, softly swaying. "no...no no"

You only cried harder, your hands clutching his shirt with a plea to not leave.

"I-" he sighed, taking a few breathes, "I could never leave you" his hands tightened, "you mean so fucking much to me, and you think I would ever leave, or ask you to abort the baby? something we made, together?"

His eyes were shut, voice trembling with fears of his own, however most of all he was relieved you finally told him.

"i love you so much, god y/n, I love you so much" he rocked a little, hand brushing up and down your back. "you thought I would hate you? baby, no....God no"

"I was so scared" you whisper, unable to pull away

"it's going to be okay, i promise, I know its not the ideal situation, but im not going anywhere, im here for you, okay?"

You sniff, his thumb caressing your cheek softly

"we are going to be good parents, a good supportive family, i'll never leave you"

his hand gently moves down to your stomach, holding the non noticeable baby. suddenly everything made sense.

"we got this, right? we...we can handle anything, because we are a team, and I love you"

"i love you too" you sniff, head pounding.

His eyes scanned yours, "keeping it, is what you want right?"

You nod

"then thats what we will do, and guess what? everything will be fine" he smiled so softly and lovingly, your heart felt constricted. "it'll be difficult, but we are here, together."

"together" your voice is tired and scratchy, a part of you feeling weightless as the fact he now knows sinks in. Its no longer a built up secret you have to hide, he knows.

"and...maybe being parents will be fun?" he giggles quietly, "we can do trips with them, nothing has to change, y/n."

You sigh softly, looking at him, "a lot is going to change, and you need to prepare yourself for that, its not like having a pet, its a real baby with real needs that depends on us for survival..." you look at your clasped hands, "its serious shit"

He nods, frowning a bit

"and I need to start getting a job that pays more than what Ms.Choi is giving me....this is gonna be expensive, I dont know what we are gonna do" your hand covered your face as your breathing picked up again, taehyung watching.

"we will work it out, is what we will do" he spoke softly, he gently removed your hands from your face. "have you seen some of the people who have kids and make it out alive? I think you and I will be just fine...." he speaks "and plus....I think our parents would be more than happy to not only hear about this, but help out too"

You sighed, "fuck I forgot we need to tell our families, Taehyung thats gonna be so embarrassing! my mom-"

"probably already suspected we were closer than 'friends', and how is that embarrassing? our parents have been trying to push us together for quite some time"

"because I dont talk about this shit with people, even my mom, and it makes me .....uhg"

He giggles softly, "shh...its okay, im sure she knows you arent 19 anymore, we are adults"

adults. yeah.

His hands gently held your sides, "my beautiful girl....how long have you known?"

You pushed the hair out of your face, "since Wednesday, I took a test on my birthday"

Taehyung frowned, "and youve been dealing with this alone since then?"

You nod, "remember when I said I needed to get tampons? yeah...I bought a test instead" you slightly smile.

He nodded "hm..im sorry you had to deal with that, Your behavior is forgiven"

"oh about that...im sorry for being a bitch to you, you were just trying to help."

He sighs softly, "y/n, you dont need to apologize, I was just worried about you....im sure within the next 9 months we will deal with a lot of scary emotions, so I better suck it up"

You smile, "i'll try to be good"

"you already are" he kissed the top of your head, helping you both stand to your feet. He looked at your stomach, a smile in knowing what was in there. "baby" he gestured, "thats ours"

You nod, hands resting on his shoulders,

"we will be fine?"

"we will be more than fine...we will be great"

-

The next morning, you had decided on taking a day off to just live in bed.

This was your last day before you returned to classes for the last bit of the semester, so you wanted to take it easy as possible before facing the crazy drama to come.

You laid under the covers, sipping the water taehyung had given you as he placed the duffle suit case onto the end of the bed, taking out the clothes and folding them, putting them into your closet.

"so have you thought about calling your doctor?" he spoke up, watching you eat the breakfast he made you.

You sat up a bit, "yeah, im gonna call her today possibly, ill make an appointment for this weekend."

He smiles shyly, "can I come?"

You couldnt help but giggle, "you are the father, so yes obviously you can"

"well I didnt know what your boundaries are here..."

You tilt your head, "what do you mean?"

"well like.." he folded one of your dresses, "we havent established our "relationship" if you will, and so I wasnt sure what the boundaries were for me-"

You smile, "I mean....taehyung...we are having a child together, I dont think we have to worry about formalities anymore, right?"

He smiles, shrugging as he hung up more of your clothes, something you insisted on doing yourself but the overprotective taehyung was already sprung into action, forcing you to do absolutely nothing.

"well when you say it like that It sounds funny" he giggled

"hmm then do as you want" you mumbled as he climbed onto the bed, sitting next to you and holding your hand. He cleared his throat before speaking "y/n...would you do me the honor of being my girlfriend, officially?"

"that is so middle school" you snort

"yes or no"

"wow, an offer that includes strings attached, thats new"

"hey you were the one who suggested friends with benefits"

"and now we are sitting here pregnant"

Taehyung giggled, "yes or no!!!"

"hmm.....yeah I guess"

you laughed as he flung onto you, kissing all over your face and holding you close, his long legs knocking off some of the laundry piles he made.

"there goes the clothes" you frown

"aish I'll fold them again, dont worry angel" he sat up and stood after giving you a long kiss on the lips, making you blush.

You want to call yourself silly for worrying so much, the taehyung standing in front of you is incomparable to the one you imagined he would be after telling him, you are relieved but know a lot more is still to come.

You knew taehyung loved you, and wanted to care for you as much as possible, but God, little did you know to what extent.

"taehyung I can walk to class myself, Walking is good for me"

You looked back at your boyfriend as he watched you exit the car while dropping you off at class the next day.

"just be careful, ok? and dont let anyone try anything with you" his eyes scanned the students roaming the campus. "call me if they do, yeah?"

You smile, nodding, "sure....okay, I love you"

"I love you too, ill pick you up at 3 ok?"

You nod softly, waving him off as you begin to walk to class.

You were sweaty with anxiety, eyes forced down to the ground you walked on to avoid any weird glares thrown your way.

This whole Kaito and Annie situation was, and should be, the least of your worries right now- all you wanted to do was finish the semester and be done for a little while, enjoying your pregnancy the best you can with Taehyung at home..

You walked into your theatre class, you were met with Chae, who you havent spoken to in months.

"y/n...where have you been?" she raised a brow, looking up from her phone.

"um, vacation"

"oh" she lowers her gaze on you, you suddenly feel angry that she even feels like its ok to communicate with you right now after taking Kaitos side.

"hows taehyung?" she continues as you take a seat

"im here for class, and class only, dont start anything with me" you spoke without even looking in her direction.

"I just think its funny that you flea right when everything is going on" she shrugged

"I went to go see my mom, not that its any of your buisness"

"listen, kaito isnt a great person and all but he is my friend, and you cheated on him with taehyung after blowing him off"

You scoffed, "oh like how he almost blew my face off? with his fist?"

She sighed, "and poor annie too....she liked taehyung and you just-"

You stopped her from finishing, "listen, chae, You dont know anything and If i were you i would worry a little less on my life and more on yours, everyone knows you failed your final exam because you cant keep your head out of other peoples asses for 3 fucking seconds" you bit and immediately stood, walking out before class even started.

maybe your english class will go better than this one.

-

Later that night, you sat in bed, head full of worry of what the next 2 weeks would bring at school.

in total, 5 kids had came up to you asking if the "rumors were true!"

you wish you had the willpower to punch their stupid fucking faces, but you needed your degree.

You decided against telling taehyung, which, yes, has proved to not be a good thing to do but you didnt want him to worry anymore about you. You are 23, a big girl who can handle childish college drama. they just need to get over it, and hopefully after they see that you dont care, they will move on with their lives.

"hey im back" taehyung walked into your room, a bag of snacks from the small store down the street, you were craving chips and he wasted no time going to grab them for you.

"are these good?" he held up the snacks, making your stomach growl,

"mm yes, thank you baby" he came over and gave you them, kissing you on the forehead. "what else did you get?" you smiled, looking at the semi-full grocery bag in his hand.

He turned shy, a small innocent smile on his face, "oh um.." he reached into the bag and pulled out a small teddy bear that had the initial of K on it, it was utterly adorable. he giggled softly, "I saw it there and thought it would be cute for the uh, baby" he spoke quietly.

"taehyung" you pouted, holding the bear, "im gonna cry this is such a soft thing for you to do" you giggled and looked at him, "they will love it honey"

"you think?" he smiled

"yes of course" you cupped his face, your heart filled with so much love for this boy, "come here" you whispered, arms reaching over his shoulders as he gently laid against you.

"youre so fucking cute...I love you" you whispered, hand running in his hair

"I love you too" he hummed, eyes closing against your chest.

You looked at the bear again, brining it closer to you. "K for kim"

"yess" he giggled softly

You kissed his head gently and held him tight, "thank you...for being here."

"I wouldnt miss out on this for anything, y/n."

You tried your best to not tear up at his soft words

"can I?" he gestured to your stomach

you nod, curious to what he wants to do

He carefully rolls up your tank top and kisses your stomach, whispering something

"Hi baby, its tae- er, its your daddy" he giggled, looking up at you as you watched happily

"I know from your perspective, things seem crazy but I promise mommy and I are gonna make you the happiest baby ever, we love you so much" he smiled, kissing your stomach once more as you felt tears fall. “We won’t let anything happen to you”

You brushed his hair back as he looked up, eyes meeting yours. “Honey why are you crying?”

“Because” stupid hormones.

He smiled and crawled up, kissing you gently before you brought him down to lay on you again.

“It’s silly…I was so fucking scared to tell you this, so afraid I’d be alone, or that shit would fall apart….but strangely now I feel like for the first time in forever, things are going ok”

He smiles as well, “I feel the same way, im genuinely happy”

“Me too…maybe this was meant to happen, hm?”

“The universe planted a baby into our laps and suddenly we are cured of any issue”

You laughed, “well, not quite, but in most aspects I feel happier than I did before, im glad we are doing this together”

“I am too, it’s gonna be so fun going to all the appointments and then finding out the gender, oh and getting to decorate the nursery”

You rubbed his back, feeling content in his words. “I was thinking about when we tell your family and mine, they are gonna be like oh my god when we tell them we are dating, then boom, pregnancy!”

He looked up, watching you as you spoke.

“Aren’t your parents gonna be angry we did things in the wrong order? Baby before marriage? What if I get disowned” you teased

“Listen, we both know my parents words aren’t anything to take seriously, they are all bark and no bite…im not gonna let them or anyone else do or say anything to hurt you”

“I just want us to be happy”

“And we will be, in our own little bubble” his hand gently rubbed your stomach “are you nervous? About motherhood?”

“More than anything taehyung”

“I’ll be here to help you, ok? You are such a sweet and loving person, you’ll have no issue being a mom and doing it flawlessly at that”

“It’s not just my skill I’m worried about, it’s just….it’s silly but I’m scared about my body changing. I struggle with these things and I know weight gain is healthy in pregnancy but…”

“Baby I refuse to hear you talk badly about your figure…look at you, so fucking sexy and you don’t even have to try. I don’t care what weight you are, or how you look now vs in 9 months, I love you for you and nothing will change that”

You frowned as he kissed all over your face “I love you too…”

“Eat your snacks baby, then let’s get some sleep yeah?”

“Yes…” you opened up the chip bag as taehyung got into his night clothes.

“Oh I scheduled the appointment today” you spoke up, biting into a wafer.

“Yeah? How was it?”

“Well I was a little timid about telling her but she was very happy to know and said she will take me in on Saturday morning for an ultrasound”

Taehyung jumped back into bed, “ah! This is so exciting baby”

“Mm” you giggle, giving him a chip.

“Do we find out the gender?”

You found his words adorable “no sweet boy, that’s not for a bit, but we get to hear the heartbeat and take home sonograms”

“Ohh, yay!” He smiled, cuddling back into you, arm resting over your abdomen protectively.

“Did you feed fishy?” You gesture to the small tank next to the bed. Taehyung shot up “shit…I will now, sorry little guy” he frowned.

“Hope you don’t forget to feed our human baby”

“No promises” he teased, sprinkling some food pellets into the water for the small yellow fish.

You waited for him to return next to you as he settled under the covers. “Comfy baby?” He whispered, shutting the lamp off.

“Mm” you cuddled into him once more as he rubbed your back.

“I love you”

“I love you more my angel, goodnight”

Taglist-

@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee @bokieya

#bts #bts fanfic #taehyung #bts fluff #bts smut #kim taehyung #kim taehyung fanfic #taehyung fluff #taehyung fanfic #taehyung smut #taehyung bts #kim taehyung series #taehyung drabble #taehyung angst #taehyung imagine #bts taehyung #fluff #taehyung requests #open requests #bts v #Kim taehyung smut

[toonfinch]

this is all i will be saying about the matter because this is stupid as fuck. its a bit long but its mostly for me, not for others to read. but feel free to.

i deleted my post on r/badroommates because i got sick of arguing with idiots online and havent responded to anything because reddit temp banned me for calling myself slurs im allowed to say lmao. im gay and trans. this will go on reddit when i am unbanned. for now it stays here.

i am paying rent, i owe my roommate, u/azzyisjazzy zero dollars. he did cover two months for me because i lost my job and struggled to find a new one, then when i did it lasted like a month because the temp agency ran out of work for me to do. he knows this btw hes just a liar. he heard the phone call because it was on speaker. but i paid him back completely and have paid our most recent bills with zero issue. i am literally at work while writing this. i am on track to make rent just fine. when i said i have $10 its because i had to buy warm weather clothes because i have none. its been hot.

the way he describes my suicidal ideation is making everyone think i do this repeatedly, i did it once. on my tumblr blog, i was not thinking about how it may hurt people, when azzyisjazzy and his friend, u/dizzy_elk_6491 and my friend all had a conversation about it, nobody acted concerned, azzyisjazzy only told me that if i were to actually hurt myself and he never reported it he may lose his job. he was never concerned about me lol. either way, i realized that watching people be suicidal is stressful and i also didnt want to be forcibly hospitalized so i nuked my blog so i can vent safely. i am not suicidal at all and havent been for a while, by the way. interestingly, current roommates friend dizzy_elk_6491 has threatened suicide when things didnt go his way before. he threatened suicide when my friend wanted to break up with him. later my friend found out that dizzy_elk_6491 had been lying about his boundaries in order to keep my friend in a relationship. he did not ignore boundaries whatsoever, there were none said. also, they were literally stupid teenagers.

azzyisjazzy was cool with sharing groceries until suddenly he wasnt, i did not have enough money at the time to also buy the same amount of things he was. we literally went shopping together several times and he told me to pick things out so obviously i thought it was fine? he just sucks at telling people when hes bothered. if he didnt suddenly lock the fridge just as i got a decent job (i was saving up money to pay him back for everything, i still could not afford a substantial amount of groceries) then id have replaced everything i ate. which was like....eggs and milk and coffee. i was mostly eating my own food lol. he ruined all the food i had in the fridge at the time which probably comes out to the amount i owe him for what i ate so ill call that fair.

i do not have bipolar disorder, i do not know where anyone involved got this information. i was on lithium, but it made me worse. gave me worse anxiety and made my eyeballs twitch. not exactly a medication that works. i tried several medications that did not work. i was also accused several times by past roommate, u/finchsexroomate and their friends that i have borderline personality disorder. i thought i might but several doctors told me otherwise. so far the only mental issues im pretty sure i have is major depressive disorder, autism, anxiety, and ocd.

intensive outpatient therapy also did not work, i was having panic attacks every morning because it was not the type of therapy i require.

currently working on getting insurance so i can get trazodone, which works. because i am diagnosed for major depressive disorder. the doctors asked me the pointed questions clearly about bipolar disorder but i dont have manic and depressive episodes. on the other hand, azzyisjazzy has said he is manic. maybe he meant it in a quirky way, but whatever.

i...didnt get mad at azzyisjazzy and his friends for not learning sign language? i dont know asl. i brought it up once or twice as a "wouldnt it be cool if we all learned together" situation, because im deaf and my hearing gets worse monthly. the only sign i was aware anyone knew was when azzyisjazzy and dizzy_elk_6491 said something that contained the words "eat orange" at each other over and over. that doesnt exactly indicate to me they are at a conversational level. either way, i was not "expecting them to communicate in a language i do not speak" lol.

i never threatened a damn thing about the dog. i said she was stressing me out so bad she was triggering my ocd. ocd can cause intrusive violent thoughts. they are not desires, they are based on things you DONT want to do. they are INTRUSIVE. i felt unsafe because the thoughts were so distressing and i could not banish them from my brain. the fact that azzyisjazzy is graduating from nursing school and doesnt understand this is concerning. i thought i biked over a snake this morning and started crying before i saw it move. i threw it in someones yard so it wouldnt get run over. i don't even like hurting bugs. i got mad at azzyisjazzy for making jokes about killing crickets in the house. maybe i am sensitive, sure, judge me how you please. but that doesnt exactly indicate an animal abuser does it?

also, me being a furry and objectumsexual (attraction to objects) has literally nothing to do with anything. its funny, because my azzyisjazzy has told me he pretends to be a dog during sex multiple times. also, he is a furry. or at least was. his fursona is/was a deer. not judging, obviously, its just hypocritical. is it weird? YES. is it harmful? NO. on top of this, azzyisjazzy had me walk the dog a few times after i had said those things. clearly he was not very concerned then. im sure he knows better and is just making shit up to hurt me.

now i don't remember much about my previous living situation with finchsexroomate because i was traumatized and the order of events and details are all mixed up and blurry. i moved in because i was in a motel with my drunk father and (thankfully normal) brother for two years. i was being paid to take care of them, but i wasnt equipped to do so because of my mental health issues. that were being exacerbated by finchsexroomate's reactions to my tone of voice...or something? they would react in ways that freaked me out like getting an attitude or yelling at me. i didnt react well to this which was entirely my fault, causing arguments. this happened a lot. idk why its so hard for anyone involved to understand that we simply did not mesh well together. azzyisjazzy and finchsexroomate have very similar communication styles, or lackthereof. it makes sense why i dont get along with both of them. they suck at communicating boundaries.

it took finchsexroomate months to tell me my tone of voice was upsetting them. they also think i was frequently stewing in anger next to them to hurt them when maybe i was a little annoyed at something and not putting in a ton of effort to look cheery while like...watching tv. or something. every time there was an incident like this, me moving elsewhere was brought up. i was living in a motel for two years before this. you have to be literally stupid to think its easy to find anywhere to live in this economy. obviously did not react well to this and yes it triggered suicidal episodes. but im not unstable if my housing and food and such else is taken care of. now that i have a stable job and can afford everything i need i am perfectly fine. just a bit stressed.

for some reason finchsexroomate thinks i was in love with them and trying to drive a wedge between them and their husband? lol? i said their husband was hot like twice. hes a hairy bear? come on now. theyre just being freaks because im polyamorous. if i had a crush on either of them theyd know, because that is something i hate keeping inside even if i know telling someone will go nowhere.

our living together ended when one night we were watching tv and somehow the topic of my date the next day came up, and finchsexroomate reminded me that our other roommates who would normally take over care when i am gone would also be leaving, so i didnt want to leave them in the house alone or worry about what time i had to be home since i would not be the one driving. i announced id reschedule my date and this upset finchsexroomate so bad that they started yelling at me. i only remember the part where they started yelling fuck you over and over again after i was like dude. its like fucking midnight. we can deal with this tomorrow. their reaction freaked me the fuck out and i did what everyones demonizing me for.....taking the torch we smoked dabs with and brushing it on my wrist for less than half a second, turning it off, and putting it on the table. and then sitting there. finchsexroomate was more at risk of burning the house down than me because i saw them drop the torch while it was still spewing flames twice, and they told me it happened once while i was not there. lol. was my reaction smart? no. did i "try to burn the house down with people inside"? no.

last thing about them, after they kicked me out and gave me zero chance to grab any of my belongings forcing me to pay an exorbitant amount of money for shipping that i could not afford, i said fuck it. they dont deserve my money after all of this. its not like i could just fucking drop almost $800 on it. later when the hurt started to go away i decided id put aside money and then give it all back when ive collected enough, but um. not doing that now lmao.

between then and now i was living with people my dad knew. one of them regularly assumed everything in the house was my fault such as leaving hard water spots on dishes and several times the freezer door was left open (not by me) so he tried attacking me about it and had to be held back by two people. this happened twice. i was also threatened by one of the residents because he was abusive to his girlfriend and i almost pepper sprayed him about it. it got to the point where i had to get a motel room a second time to avoid being hurt. and of course after this is when azzyisjazzy and i started talking.

anyway back to the present. azzyisjazzy thinks i was...listening to him and his bf my first night here just bc i was quiet? i thought they knew i was here lol. i literally cannot eavesdrop. i can hear loud talking and music and dog barking and dog nails on hardwood in my room. sometimes i can hear noises but that doesnt mean i understand what the noises are. at this point im convinced everyone thinks im faking my deafness. do i need to show everyone how scarred my ear drum is? that also has a hole in it?

and i guess this all got worse because i chose to stop being very close friends with all of azzyisjazzys friends. they were a lot of energy. i avoided them a lot because my idea of a good time is being quiet and doing a task together or watching tv or going to the park to look at critters and plants or something. i still tried, i was an audience to their musicals in the kitchen. and hung out when i was able to handle their energy, which was rare. azzyisjazzy thinks i was avoiding his show because i hated him when in reality i was busy with things i felt were more important such as my friend's mental health. azzyisjazzy even told me it was fine and that he understood. i also felt that none of them liked me very much anyway, so i just kind of stopped trying. i know one of them hated me because i got mad at him for making kill all furries jokes in the discord server we were in, and several times after that he would criticize my friends and i for stupid bullshit like putting in the announcements channel to not put chunks of food in the sink that does not have a garbage disposal in it.

the reason there are horses all over my walls is because azzyisjazzy heard gunshots and we were discussing whether or not we should call the cops in the discord server. my friend and i said no because theres no way to prove which direction it came from so on top of the cops not being able to do anything, we have black neighbors that might be questioned. furry hater guy said what does their race have to do with this and i dont remember what i said after it but he sent a horse emoji which is a reference to the meme of a horse standing at the sea with the caption "MAN" and i felt it inappropriate so i muted him for 10 minutes.

so the time my friend told someone to kill themselves? he had almost gotten hit by a car, and said "kill yourself for real" about the driver. furry hater guy got mad at this and said no suicide jokes. i misinterpreted it as another baseless criticism and told him to shut up. i was wrong for this and apologized, and later decided to just leave the server because i wasnt having fun in it anyway.

idk where to place these things in this giant block of text so theyre going at the end my friend and i used the dining room table to do crafts which is why azzyisjazzy bike locked the chairs. okay...ill just get my own i guess? he has threatened to put cameras up in the house which i am fairly certain is illegal because i do not consent and it would violate a reasonable expectation of privacy in the state of Missouri. also azzyisjazzy and i both agreed that nudity is not an issue, and when i am alone in the house sometimes i dont have a shirt on. i am a trans man, i have tits. that's inappropriate and once again im fairly certain that is illegal. missouri is a one party consent state so the only circumstance where recording me would be okay is if one of whoever is in the video or audio consents, such as if azzyisjazzy and i had a conversation. he could be the one to consent. but he doesn't say use his big boy words at me anymore so that wont happen. weve said a total of maybe 5 words to each other in the last month. i text him sometimes and he pretends not to see it but i know he does because he thinks me telling him his post got removed was bragging that i reported it. maybe my friends did? i dont control them. lmao.

hes also told my friends that me simply living here is an "escalation" and that if i continue to live here "things will get worse for me" those are threats. genuinely convinced that he knows a lot of what he is saying is made the fuck up or stretched truths just so "things will get worse"

btw, im not the one abusing the dog. she gets one walk a day and is barely played with because of how much azzyisjazzy works. all she does is sleep all day and bark out the window and piss on the couch and the floor and chew up shit azzyisjazzy leaves around the house, like a plastic tape dispenser. those plastic shards might be inside her stomach, by the way. that can and has killed dogs. many times.

i dont know what else to say. this is getting way too long. i certainly feel better after writing it though.

i may or may not respond to comments. i dont really feel like proving myself to a bunch of redditors, but considering these lies might follow me around for a while especially because finchsexroomate posted my FACE????? glad i look extremely different now (thanks hrt) and was wearing a mask lol. what sort of fucking insane behavior. i kind of wanted to post webcomics online, so i felt it necessary to do a bit of damage control. of course, all sides to this is mostly he said she said, so this only helps so much. but i said my truth, and ill stand by it. omission of details is because i forgot. this has been all over the last two years. my memory is shot because i got covid the first time i was in the motel and the repeated trauma hasnt helped. if someone brings up a good point i will respond to it.

anyway. ill move out when im able to. get the fuck over it.

good fucking lord.

im going to go do literally anything else more productive than this. get a new hobby. make a fursona and maybe youll feel better. fucking weirdos

[giri-giri-waifu]

This is a long post--

Listened to my friend compare me to his guy friends; how I'm 'more mature' than them, even though I'm younger than them. And he did the spiel of 'girls mature faster than guys' and also saying how they're all awkward shut ins and irresponsible and going nowhere in life. And at least one of em has really bad anxiety that hinders him in doing 'regular things in society'... And I was just thinking like... Im not any better. I might be better at hiding that Im Like That. I still live with my parent at 26, going on 27. I have anxiety over shit every single day and have to work really hard to 'get up and do the responsible thing'- like being an adult and going to work and not having breakdowns in the bathroom, etc. My job causes me a considerable amount of stress and I wish I could simply quit. Even going out with friends causes me anxiety sometimes. It sucks and I feel so guilty if I cancel on people last minute. I have to make notes for EVERYTHING, set multiple alarms and reminders for stuff, otherwise I WILL forget within 5-10 minutes, both for work and my everyday life. Like I dont understand how people turn up their noses at shut-ins, like "omg can u believe. they have so many problems existing in society. Ugh! What an inconvenience to me!!' I hate this. I hate the grind. Call it laziness or whatever, but fuck this society where we have to grind or die. That in and of itself is tiring- add to it that so many people are suffering with mental and or physical illnesses and disabilities, in a world that is not built to accommodate them- a whole new level of tiredness. Like congrats if you don't have to take a bunch of extra steps to do One Regular Adult Task. But Stop being holier than thou about 'shut ins' or other people that don't fall within the 'normal'. lol And please don't fucking compare stupid shit like 'girls mature faster than guys'- I am afab and the oldest sibling, and even as a child, always had to conform to that 'you need to be the responsible one and take care of x,y and z duties. Oh and don't ever fuck up. Why are you so shy and quiet? You should be more responsible than this tsk tsk!' I am STILL a people pleaser because of this shit. And its unhealthy and annoying. lol Yes most of the time, I am physically capable of adulting, but fuck if my mental health hasnt been in the fucking garbage buried underground for years because im trying to hold up this 'responsible' persona that I've had drilled into me since birth. Please just stop. lol

#social stuff #i guess #a rant #girls vs boys is so stupid #gender shit #shut ins #hikikomori #adulting #adulting is hard #societal norms #capitalism #rise and grind #im tired #mental health #waifu thoughts

[burtonbabygirlguster]

how comfortable i would feel with different stranger things characters

Argyle

8/10

he would be 10/10 but i’d be scared he’d mention what i’ve told him when he was high

i’ve got no idea if being high works like that tho???

but i’d be panicking very hard

like he’s probably use my preferred name instead of my deadname and i’d be like 🧍

would offer me weed to help with my skin picking problems or my mouth pain

fuck you braces and nails

Robin

10/10

we can ramble to each other :)

my best moments with my friends is of us rambling to each-other and getting off topic every other sentence

she’s very funny we could laugh about anything it’d be great

and i’m also queer so like..yeah, gay people flock together type shit

Eddie

6.5/10

the cafeteria scene scared me, i’d constantly think he’s about to..like..jump on my sandwich

also he’s too extroverted for me im sorry

i can’t handle that type of attention anywhere near me

he’d probably look at what i was drawing or something and show everyone 🧍

and i’ve got too much anxiety for that soooo…

Steve

7.5/10

i can’t really explain in

like, yes, i’d be comfortable, but constantly tense, expecting something, at the same time

like i said, can’t really explain it, sorry lmfao

Jonathan

13/10

would make me feel good about myself

between my fashion, music, general interests, being trans and gay, i’d be the Hawkins high punching bag

i already was at my middle school some? like nothing physical but constant shit, it was this group of kids constantly coming over to the tree i hung by and shouting slurs and jesus blah blah

plus the usual barking and being called emo in the halls

anyway

he could tell when i’m about to have a breakdown, whatever i’m feeling honestly

the only person i think i’d EVER be comfortable sharing how i actually feel with

he would never judge me

i think he’d like my stupidity and chaos, i usually get really insecure about it but he’d be nice :))

the only way i can interact with a movie/show is to vocally talk about it and my family (reasonably) gets mad but i think he’d enjoy hearing what i think and how i perceive whatever we’d be watching

even outside of movies, they don’t really like hearing me ramble or talk

and if one person did like it, another one would interrupt and they’d forget about me

even my general family issues, he’d be there to listen, and relate on a lot

i also love photography so we could have fun with that!!!

overall he’d be the biggest comfort ever

Nancy

2/10

i’m sorry but i wouldn’t be all that comfortable

i think the biggest thing was how she treated robin

and since i act like robin with the rambling and such, i really think she would not like me

opposite of Jonathan

she’d only get annoyed and i feel like she’d just act like my family when it comes to how i express myself, and would make me feel like shit

maybe she’d actually be really cool once i got to know her

but everything that the shows given me is her pushing away barb, the love triangle, being rude to robin, and supernatural stress, so not quite sure :p

Jason

-3/10

i don’t even need to explain

i would be called slurs and beat up

he was ready to break Gareths fingers

which i guess me just being casual vs him hunting a guy are definitely different situations

but i feel like he’d break something

i’d definitely be a suspect of joint murder forces with eddie lmfao

Billy

-3/10

same thing with jason

but pretty sure he’d also body-shame me

unless if we were around people

but still -3/10

Will

12/10

Same thing as Jonathan

but i’m closer to wills age so i think it’d be better :)

plus he at least used to play with legos and i fucking love legos

also we could draw DnD characters together!!

he’s gonna love my literal dragonborn himbo that wears sunglasses

i’d love to be in a byers-hopper family campaign with him :))

gays flock together again

Lucas

11/10

he’s super duper fucking nice and would always be considerate of everything

would not judge me

except in a funny way

he could help me out if i ever had relationship issues

he can climb trees i think? i feel like he climbed one in season one or two

if he can, i’d love to go tree climbing with him

i used to play basketball so we could play together!!

he’s awesome

Dustin

8/10

i can’t really explain why he’s only 8

i would, however, love to go and open curiosity doors and do random shit

i’m gonna train demodogs with him

would love to tease steve with him

El

8/10

nothing really special, just chill :)

again, would love to do a whole family campaign

i’d like making fun presentations with her like she did for the school project

would enjoy doing stuff like how she and max did, i love clothes shopping, because i can express myself- and that was the whole point for her clothes shopping!

i’d absolutely love to do that with her :))

Max

7.3/10

would maybe make fun of me a little bit?

sometimes in a funny friend way but sometimes in an actual way

i don’t think i’d be able to tell which is which so i’d be sad each time🧍

would love being chaotic with her and torturing mike (i’m sorry mike)

pulling pranks on everyone definitely

Mike

depends which season

1-2 is 10/10

3-4 is slowly declining…

i’m very childish (although i am a child so doesn’t really count) and i love doing thing how will does, and i’d too, be asking to play

would feel the worst feeling if he ever yelled at me like he did to will :(

although that’s on byler drama, so he wouldn’t yell at me like that

would make me feel both appreciated and highly judged

it switches every day honestly

but season 1-2 would be great <3

after he gets his byler drama sorted out he’d be back to 10/10

Erica

depends if she’s insulting me or not

but if she’s insulting me then i probably did something first so it’d be my fault

but overall she’d be super cool to hang with!

and she’s super smart- if i pay her, maybe she’ll do my math homework 😭

i haven’t nt watched my little pony in years (and obviously not the 80s one she watched) but i think i’d watch it so we could talk bout it

and talk with dustin too about it

cause he watches my little pony too

Joyce

6/10

As great a mom as she is, she barley ever payed attention to Jonathan

like, never

i would trust her to save me, yeah, absolutely, she’d do anything

but like i said with Jonathan..

overall though i suppose really good, she’d be fun to hang out with

Jim

4.5/10

dudes SCARY

yells too much

i’m generally spooked by older people, especially older men sooo yeah 🧍

that wouldn’t help

would constantly feel like a disappointment even if that’s not what he wanted

every so often a really good moment

maybe a heart to heart that’d boost him up a few numbers

Murray

4/10

as funny as he is, if he started talking about my relationship, i’d punch him

not actually i’m a coward but i’d mentally punch him

if he never talked about relationships then he could be a good 8/10 or something

nothing too special even then, just casual

Bob

9/10

gets -1 point because old men scare me lmfao

other than that i’d love to play his brain games and learn about the radios and such

great guy :((

would love to have him as an uncle :))

would like to listen to me ramble!

he jon and i can have camera sessions

Owens

7/10

again, -1 point for old man

but specifically during season four i kinda wished i had a dad a lil bit like him

i think the food got to me

and him trying to go against brenner

“kiddo” hit me hard

would not enjoy in the other seasons tho, no trust, thus no comfort at all

Mr Clark

9/10

once more, -1 for old man

but he’s super nice to the kids 😭

and always helps them solve the Upsidedown mystery of the year

where was he this season????

only teacher i could actually go up to and ask for help

would LOVE to have him as a dad

he’d also definitely enjoy to hear my ramblings, especially if they’ve got anything to do with science

i ramble about time travel and mythological creatures a lot (especially dragons and how they would have been) and i’d think he’d enjoy ny special interests of curiosity doors

Alexi

9/10

would love to go to the fair with him and get all the stuffed animals

and watch cartoons and eat slushes i think it’d be great fun

wanna have murray deal with both of us

harhar the old man will never know what hit him

#stranger things #st4 #argyle #robin buckly #eddie munson #steve harrington #jonathan byers #nancy wheeler #jason carver #billy hargrove #will byers #lucas sinclair #dustin henderson #el hopper #max mayfeild #mike wheeler #erica sinclair #joyce byers #jim hopper #murray bouman #bob newby #sam owens #scott clarke #alexi smirnoff

[socialbunny]

if you don't mind could you please do dirk and dustin for the ask thing,, im very curious

incredibly long word vomit under the cut

Dirk Dreamer

Sexuality Headcanon: He’s sooooo bisexual it’s crazy he has that bisexual color scheme going on toooo

Gender Headcanon: Gnc as fuck he's so nonbinary

A ship I have with said character: Him and his lame ass boyfriend Dustin of course. He meets Dustin for the first time and thinks to himself  ‘What’s up with this stupid white kid?’ and then he falls in love with him. Then he compartmentalizes his feelings for both Dustin and Lilith and tries to justify staying with Lil because he doesn’t want to ‘abandon’ her when he’s crushing on someone else (someone that his girlfriend hates, too) and he starts overthinking the whole thing and Dustin’s sitting next to him like “Ay man can you finish showing your work for this calculus problem so I can copy off you?” Also this is my favorite song I relate to Dustin/Dirk shhhh

i hate that big ass embed help

A BROTP I have with said character: I love him and Lilith being besties in the same but different way I think Angela and Dustin areeeeeee, but it’s also the reason I can never think of a reason they break up but I’ve been thinking of them having a really bad co-dependent relationship just because I feel as if Lilith has a clingy personality? And I feel like Dirk has a semi-avoidant personality and a savior complex at the same time and really has trouble articulating how he feels about things.  I also like him being friends with Ophelia and Johnny and Ripp <3

A NOTP I have with said character: None tbh maybe Angela but that’s just because Angela is a lesbian in my mind and I just feel like they have no chemistry. I don’t even think they’re really friends even though they take a lot of the same classes and see each other outside of school a lot.

A random headcanon: Dirk is the type of person I feel like he’s a fixer and that’s why he likes Dustin and Lilith so much. He’s a control freak in a sense where he hates when people don’t do things to help themselves when they have the ability to do so (like his dad) and it just makes him anxious and stressed out that he has to pull all the weight in his relationships. He also internalizes and represses his own feelings for the most part because he’s everyone's rock and he really hates talking about himself, and all that anxiety and pent up anger inadvertently causes his breakup with Lilith. I also headcanon that he has autism (along with Darren) <33

General Opinion over said character: Lmao I named myself after him that tells you all you need to know I loveeeee the Brokes and Dreamers so much I wish they had more personality especially Dirk who I feel like has nothing going for him but tutorial bait, but it’s ok because i <3 projecting. I think Dirk is way more bitcher and snarkier than most portrayals I see of him

Dustin Broke

Sexuality Headcanon: Dustin Broke….gay boy………. Sometimes i like him bisexual as a little treat because Angela/Dustin makes my heart soft ngl

Gender Headcanon: I hit him with the transgenderfication beam and there’s no cure. He doesn’t call himself trans though he doesn’t really know what being trans one day he just started going by a bunch of different names and dressing more ‘masculine’ or whatever and no one ever said anything because they still think he’s grieving over his dad and that it’s just a ‘phase’

A ship I have with said character: Dustin/Dirk literally is everything to me and I’ve loved them together for as long as I’ve been a premades fan tbh. It’s just something about them and their parallels, which is probably unintentional on Maxis’ part tbh; fire and water, dead parents, jock and nerd  enemies to lovers pairings like it rerouted my brain chemistry. I don’t think Dustin realizes right away that he has feelings for Dirk because he’s focused on the future he thinks he’s going to have with Angela when he finally gets to where he needs to be money-wise. When Angela breaks up with him (after deliberating for a long time, because my Angela is lesbian and she just felt wrong being with him even though she loves him soo much), Dustin spirals just a little bit just a normal amount (ends up back in jail) and he starts hanging out with Dirk more and getting to know him and he starts catching feelings but he really doesn’t know how to address them because this is only the second person he’s ever had these feelings for and he doesn’t want to make anything weird. There’s so many different ways they can end up together, but I don’t feel like they would rush anything I think they’d just crush on each other secretly and never confess their feelings because they’re dumb. Also this is them

A BROTP I have with said character: Angela is his best friend they’re connected at the hip they’re so close and spend almost every day together at Angela’s house even though Daniel hatesss it so much (when Dustin gets over his insecurity about how his home is vs Angela’s, they start spending more time at his place). I feel as if they genuinely have/had feelings for each other due to how much time they spend together and I feel they start ‘dating’ because of this (I also headcanon that they’ve kissed before when they were kids but it doesn’t really count…). I don’t think Dustin had a lot of friends growing up because of being lower income and also he’s just kind of a weirdo. Angela also was the first person to support Dustin’s social transition, and was generally very supportive of him even when she didn’t understand (and still doesn’t really..). I have a lot of things to say about their friendship/relationship but it only makes sense in the context of this story I was writing and in my brain maybe I’ll make another post about it and let it run free idk sometimes when im typing stuff like right now I overthink and start feeling very insecure and embarrassed what I say and I end up procrastinating over something that’s supposed to be fun? Idk sorry for putting this in such a random spot to vent I just have a special attachment to my interpretation of these premades and I just hope the things i say aren’t cringy.

A NOTP I have with said character: I don’t think Dustin and Lilith could ever like each other tbh I think Lilith talks shit about him all the time to Dirk calling him dirty and nasty and white trash and Dirk meets him for the first time and yeah he looks dirty but he also looks lame as hell so every time Lilith talks about him after this he can only imagine this lame ass wet dog man so he just says “Alright babe” with no further input.

A random headcanon: Dustin is very family-oriented and does a lot of what he does because he thinks it’s helping his mom out. He skips school to try and make more money trapping and he’s been caught up so many times and been held overnight in jail twice and it pisses Brandi off so bad because she feels like he’s throwing his life away but he doesn’t want to push him too hard because her mom pushed her and tried to control her life and she ended up pregnant at 17 so… but at the same time they’ll have little spats and arguments over school which gets to Dustin because he’s the only one making money for them to make it. He loves dogs a lot and feeds any animal that he sees around his neighborhood. When he gets married to Dirk, they adopt one dog but then he ends up bringing home random strays he finds and they end up with like. 5 dogs total and 1 cat. I also think he’s really good at drawing but it’s not something he takes seriously!!

General Opinion over said character: My number one day one premade I love him so much very normally like a normal person <3  I love his Maxis look he has that ugly boy swag and I think he deserves so many good things even though he’s a lame boy

#chat #thank u nixie for letting me be insane<3

[treatbuckywkisses]

so much is happening i want to scream:(

the way my job gives me so much anxiety it's not even funny. that place is a fucking disaster. i get told im going to be part time and im out here working 40hrs a week, and i dont even get my second break usually like im supposed to. there aren't enough people in the department i work in and they pull people from it for other departments anyway. one of our team leads basically told us all our sections looked like shit tonight and he was going to walk us though it and make us tell him everything we did wrong. i was stuck somewhere else for most of my shift and couldn't work on my section, so when i tell you i was so scared dude you don't even fucking know lmao i literally cried because I'm still new and i didn't want them to think i did a bad job or im not cut out for it or whatever. and he never even showed up. he said it to "scare us into doing our work" and im so mad about it. i almost threw up for that ??

im so fucking tired and dehydrated and it's so hot in there i barely even eat on my lunch break and when i get home after my 8hr shift. i can't tell if im losing weight (unhealthy obvi) or if i have looked like this and didn't know lol so i just try not to look at myself if i can help it bc what.

i never really know what i look like, but when i do, it's ugly and i hate it.

also im working on moving into an apartment (i say 'me' but im not alone sgsksh) idk living is hard yk it's a lot and it's stupid and where my stuff is im not even staying bc sarah is a fucking bitch for no reason and i will hurt her feelings if she looks at me so yeah there's like so much shit happening and I'm so overwhelmed like hello i can actually only do so much pls why

anyways i am really tired and i want to cry and sleep forever and ever:( is this what happens when you keep things 'bottled up' lol

omg also? i haven't gotten my period yet like since April and im 🥴🤨 bc where is she yk and then im like babe you're literally a ball of fucking stress and anxiety please take a Xanax but back to stress im so worried i will get my period on my 8hr shift with nothing and i don't drive myself so that is like extra fun yk wow

the way i have never talked so much and i do it like this where nobody will read it sgskdgd this is who i am as a person irl though so congrats if u read this ig hello

also since I'm fucking word vomiting i guess and ive already come to terms with how nobody will read this, i hate this place. like tumblr i mean. idk it just like sucks to feel like you deserve more than you get yk and i actually am allowed to say that. my moodboards do not do nearly as good as i would like to think they would when i make them and it sucks. because believe it or not i start out thinking they're so pretty and the lack of interaction makes me doubt my own abilities and i hate that. and how I have so many "followers" with the amount of notes i get LOL what a joke actually. especially when they're also content creators. why are you even following me then yk like i only provide one thing and you don't even seem to like it so what are you doing here. it's annoying honestly. how can a content creator be the one not giving support. smh.

i think i need to go to sleep bc idk what i just said and if anyone reads this i feel like ppl will be mad at me so that's where I'm at lolllllll i h8 myself <3

#fayth using her blog as a diary #but fr this time #this is a diary entry #oops #tw body image #?? #body dysmorphia tw #kinda but I'm tagging it just to be safe ? #does that make sense #me asking like anyone will read this anyways LMAO #im too funny sometimes #will prob delete #again not like anyone will read it #so im out here talking to myself #lol #fayth rambles #ignore me #long post #actual bullshit nonsense

[man-rat]

smthn that i think is a bit silly is how significant the drop in how severe my anxiety symptoms were when i moved out for college. like im stressed out rn bc midterms and like i have generalized anxiety but like my symptoms are far more manageable when my family isnt trying to control them.

like the never meant any harm, they just didnt like seeing me be so afraid of everything (and i will admit it was slightly inconvenient the way my symptoms manifested, it made it hard to go anywhere or do anything) and all they were trying to do was help, but it was so overbearing and i rlly think if they were to tone it down and maybe listen to me (and my therapist) when i said "hey this aggressive lack of understanding of my anxiety and how i can work around it is actually causing more issues bc yall wont let me do what i know will help, bc you keep suggesting things i know wont work, or that i've already tried"

either way. it's important to get out in the world and be independent. like its scary and stressful and i know, no one wants to make their own doctors appointment, but its so important to get out of your home and be by yourself (getting a place w roommates also counts bc. i mean look at the fucking economy but also housemates or roommates are not the same as parents and siblings) like it will suck to be away, especially if you had to move 1+ hour away from ur family for college, but like also its sooooo nice bc i can buy the cereal i like, the snacks i like, the decor i like, dress more or less how i want and not have to worry about my siblings taking my shit or my parents getting mad and grounding me for something stupid like having a poster that says bad words or whatever. like its soooo nice i cannot stress this enough

[iwannabeastarstarrockmann]

i dont fucking know if my thoughts are my own or if ive just been so emotionally and verbally abused each day that im starting to internalize someone elses idea of me. idk what to think lately. im so fucking depressed and anxious and sad like every single day, it hurtsso much, and it fucking sucks that there are people in my life who just view me as a sad sack of shit with no aspirations or value. i never get more than a day to get better from anything before someone in my life is pressuring me to get off my ass and do something productive. dont you know tht there is something seriously wrong with me. idk why i cant do things, i just cant. i wan to be so productive and social, i just cant bring myself to do it right now. i feel so trapped and overwhelmed. do you realize how exhausting it is to wake up everyday with a mind attacking itself, with a body that aches, with a hope that this will be your last day of suffering, with no sense of what it is you need in order for the suffering to stop. i want to scream but i have no energy to. i want to die one minute and then hope to save my own life the next, contradicting every word or thought with an action that is not my own. theres days where my health anxiety is practically non existant and then something will happen, it could be something so nonsensical and somehow ill get triggered or worried and there i go absolutely obsessed with some strange pain or weird tension, or god forbid i actually get infected with something. thats all i could focus on 24/7 until i find some way to make it better, but the worry from the thing that im feeling and wondering about my health, this shit brain decides its so stressful and scary that i should just starve myself, cause if i were skinny, these prooblems wouldnt feel so big, or maybe id be able to go to the doctor if im 2 sizes smaller. that doesnt make any sense. i know it doesnt so why do i do what i do. and then theres the cutting that i feel i have to do or else i wont learn from my mistakes but if i cut myself whenever i impulsively feel like it, then that makes my immune system too weak to fight off whatever i think i have this week so im trying to recover from that as its only making everything more complicated, but its all i can think about, especially in this self loathing state im in now. im such an idiot, im just a sick fuck who cant stop thinking to herself that maybe im faking all this and im actually okay. i think its all my fault for being this way, i dont remember what started all these unhealthy coping mechanisms but it has to have started with a thought right? i feel so ashamed for being this way, it was stupid of me to ever adopt such habits restriction makes me more confident but the constant exercise makes me too weak to go anywhere to show that confidence, and great! now i actually am sick, and my immune system is shit, and my emotional state and self hatred is making it worse, and im too overwhelmed to see anyone in my life who thinks they love me, because i dont want them to see me like this. they wouldnt believe me if i tried to explain that im struggling and need help. ive tried. they dont listen. they dont realize whats important. i know i put em through hell, im selfish, im self centered and dramatic and lazy and gross and undeserving of any love they think they have for me. i dont trust it. dont tell me you love me, you barely know me, the real me, the one i keep locked behind a closed door each night, to contemplate what im going to do about this shit life ive curated for myself. im so tired, im so fucking tired all of the time. i dont know how to keep going. i dont know how to do anything for that matter. im not even going to revise this shit post, im too tired, i just need to announce somewhere, somehow, that im so fucking lost that i dont even know if my thoughts are my own, or what it means to be a person. everyday with this bullshit, now im getting into existential dread territory, im just so sick of my own shit! im sick of myself. why cant i function like everyone else???

i want it to be over, i wish my problems could just be solved without any external help. i just want to wake up tomorrow and for everything to just be okay. i want to feel okay again. i dont need anything fancy, please let me wake up tomorrow with hope of brighter days. its so hard to see the beauty in my life when im being suffocated and pinned down by something invisible. i dont have the capacity to love or care for anyone or anything, and no one can see that i just need a break?? how can you not see me? no one can see, ill show them and they still wont see! they refuse, simply because, they cannot see inside my head and dont care enough to want to. they think they do. i tried to tell them time and time again but i think its just that when i am feeling okay, they dont like the choices i make. when im okay, i make sure i make the most of that time by prioritizing my own happiness over everyone elses, and that really pisses people off! to the point where they want to tear me down and take that light away from me. i didnt ask to be here, now, with all this pressure on my shoulders to be more than what i am. im simply existing. i can feel it. tomorrows gonna be so shit. i can always sense the storm before it comes, i wish i could prevent it, or ease my pain in some way. these substances are nice in the moment but eventually the buzz will wear off and ill just be me again, with nothing to offer. i dont have anything to offer. life is too hard, i gave up so long ago and didnt even realize that is what was happening at the time. i just go through it day by day without fully processing that ill have to wake up the next day. i wish my life was a dream i could wake up from. my brain isnt working right. i dont recognize myself. i hate how alone we all are. every sensation, thought, visual, sound, and taste. you are completely isolated from everyone around you.

[bean-green]

This is gonna sound... out there. But ive been struggling A LOT with what i can only describe as my internal energies. My purpose hasn't been very clear on a day to day level. Ive felt so frazzled and my head has just been very full and i seem to have lost a lot of my tools and strategies to parse it out and feel level(Most of which came from CBT/DBT) But i rewatched avatar the last air bender and legend of korra and it genuinely made me realize i have been severely ungrounded and removed from the earth and its flow. Ive been so caught up in the wrongs of the world and major traumas we have all been living through (which is valid everything has seemed like a fascist dystopian nightmare the past few years) So ive started to look within more. And there are just so many... blocks? My entire anxiety riddled body is constantly tense and im starting to think one has to do with the other. Which makes sense since ive had a lot of flareups of what i think is eczema for the first time as well as shingles and gh, all of which can be induced by stress. So to make a long story longer, i looked at a human design chart. Similar to an astrology natal chart but looks almost like your system of chakras. And holy hell. I still need to look up exactly how to read them but i shit you not, all the places that are "blocked" in those paths are all centered where i feel physical pain. My lower back, my neck, chest, and right loin (what else do you call a longissimus dorsi in humans?) It honestly made me a little emotional. Side note, i can fully understand now how people join pyramid schemes/ cults about this sort of stuff. It hit me hard. It was weirdly accurate. I want to use this info to improve my life. Am i gonna pay to take these stupid classes explaining it all? Fuck to the no. But i could see how someone would! Anyway. All this to say i think im about to re-enter my spiritual journey. I want to feel truly in tune with the world again. I want to feel the chi paths clear. Ive done it before, i can do it again. Edit to add: im still gonna see a doctor about what i need to dw lmao theres lots of shit that needs to be addressed, but constant tension held everywhere is gonna effect the rest of my body so thats a place i can start myself

#sorry its in blue and all one paragraph #the text didnt show up in normal color and when i pressed enter it reverted to invisible

[mental-health-advice]

english is not my first language but i'm going to try my best here

hi, i need some advice on something that has become really bittersweet: my relationship with my boyfriend

i met him in 2020 at school and we started dating in july of 2021, since then things would start to get kind of weird: my bf would start to curse me and call me names if i didn't answer him quickly, he would joke about being with other girls while dating me, he would make me uncomfortable talking about how badly he wants to fuck me (i'm a minor and he is not btw) and he would even start fights on purpose.

after our fights he would drug himself with remedies and then tell me that he "couldn't be sober to deal with me after a fight" and blather about how everything that happened was my fault: that i stressed him, that i'm annoying or that i'm just really stupid. in all of this fights i had severe anxiety crisis, and after all of them i couldn't eat properly, my body always felt really heavy and tired

today we fought again because i will not be able to go out with him tomorrow because i already have plans with my family: he said that he is sad bcs i don't "want to go out of him" and that i "don't love him anymore"

i'm starting to get tired of this, he always freaks out with me because of some irrelevant shit like taking 15min to answer him and makes me feel bad for it. i don't know what to do anymore bcs i hate feeling like this, im always afraid of saying or acting someway and getting him mad at me

Hey there,

If I’m being completely honest the relationship that you are currently in with him sounds to be quite toxic and is causing you more anxiety being in it as compared to a normal healthy relationship where both people are happy, content and feeling like they are both equals in the relationship.

I’m assuming that you haven’t yet sat him down to talk to him about how you are left feeling most of the time but I am also wondering if this will be helpful or not given what you have already said about him. I am not saying that he is a bad person, but more that it may be difficult to be in a relationship with him and be happy like you so greatly deserve. Being with an older man is also a bit of a concern with you being a minor and all, but of course I cannot tell you what to do.

How do you feel generally being with him? Are there any times that you are both happy, or do the fights outweigh the good times? Either way, I think you deserve the very best in life and this includes being in a relationship with someone who you really like and who likes you back and most importantly will treat you well!

It’s certainly not OK the way this guy is treating you but in the end the decision is up to you in regards to whether you want to stay in the relationship or end it. Ending the relationship doesn’t mean you have to completely take him out of your life, you can still be friends if you wish/ keep in contact, in the end ultimately the decision is up to you.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and has helped you to see that you deserve so much better when in a relationship with anyone, whether it’s with a boy or in a friendship with someone. Please also do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #boy #relationship #toxic relationship #minor

[slyshyfoxy]

hello stupid ass things did happen to me, and now i am just paying the price of it................................. so i need to relax and calm down, i think best is i focus on what i can do right now, ithink i was just very overwhelmed cause im really scared to remod, i think currently the stress is so big that it is going over in my head and to my body, and i think everything i viewing is so big right now that i can function properly, honestly, remoding got so bad? i think its not that bad but it is just tiring. i feel bad for the ppl i talked to while i was in a bad mood, i think they understand it and super understand it bah, dont think so much about it, its normal to do that, and u see that there were many friends who cared about u ah, like yz, kris, ur second brother, NoElle? haney, huiyi, shankar, all of them really cared about u, u just need to hang on !!! things will definetly be fine i think its just too much drama these past few weeks that is turning me insane, like i feeling so much stress cause of whatever that has happened, even eequan and celest was impressed that i still can survive from it, YZ And kris too what.... ur second brother too think so too.  Dont worry so much, how about u just do what u can do now, which is study the ones that is coming out? Check ur tele msg on what is coming out. Dont worry, u will be fine.... anxiety so high that i need to write tumblr msg to myself to baby myself ........ i mean if it makes me feel better then ya ofc ill do it. Dont worry, just focus on doing the beam and then focus on trusses, i think virtual work method u shd be able to do so.... take ur time yo, dont rush yourself u shd be fine.  Go chill , go take a bath and finish that question and stop fucking blaming urself for not doing good, calm down and focus on what u can do right now, like focus on doing the beam and trusses like what marcus has said.  Do what u can and focus on the things u need to do right now. Dont worry so much jyjy jenny.  - 28/11/2022

[florencicle]

rant again i need to stop using this acc as a rant acc and start being funny again

my tummy's been hurting recently from anxiety. i've woken up everyday for the past kets day like 3 days? 4? maybe 5 actually but whatever

i've been talking to my ex ex (i keep saying this bcuz it's the ex before my most recent ex) and like we've been talking a lot. like everyday since monday. nonstop texting n calling. we spoke for so long yesterday on the phone literally from 8 pm and i didn't go to sleep till 6 am. he's changed. a lot. like. he's a brand new person but deep down he's still the same guy that knew everything about me. knows when im feeling overwhelmed. he specifically yelled at everyone to stop talking and shut up bcuz i was overwhelmed cuz i'd stopped talking, then texted me to make sure i was okay, didn't stop texting me stupid shit for about an hour just to make me laugh, and then when i did finally laugh he was like there it is there's ur pretty smile. then he did the thing where like he'd send a message and just wait. look at the camera immediately to see my reaction and wait and he was always waiting with such anticipation. he's willing to learn about all my new hyperfixations which is .. new behavior. he's genuinely caring now. is thinking ab moving to my city for college and asked if i could show him around, and if not then "that's okay as long as we'd be in the same area." then he comforted me when i'd left for a little bcuz i'd gotten super super stressed out about being back into the friend group after such a long time and he was like "none of us hate you and i promise we're laughing with you not at you. i know how you get sometimes and i don't mean that offensively, we were just close before, you know? but anyways i know how you get and we don't hate you, especially not me."

it sucks. i'm so conflicted. this guy fucked me up really really badly. but he's very clearly a new person and he is genuinely very hating of how he was before and how he treated me, (he started crying thinking ab it.) nd yes it's tthe same guy but it's like falling in love with him all over again. it's like. i'm falling in love with him again for the first tie and it's nice. n i can tell he feels the same.

but i know a lot of my friends r gonna b very angry at me if i get back w him bcuz of just how messed up i was after the breakup but like. i don't know what to do and i can't just. stop myself. from liking him. especially when he's doing everything right this time and i know it's not in a manipulative way bcuz he genuinely seems nervous. like i don't think someone who was trying to use me again would b generally really nervous to speak to me. (or maybe he is i dunno!)

idk. it's stupid and i've gotta stop using this acc as a rant acc ab my love life bur blegh. i gotta put it somewhere.