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leonsi · 2 years

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seeing all these rottmnt/2012 crossovers bash on the 2012 bros’ relationship with each other is kiiindaaa upsetting as someone who’s uncomfortable with expressing and receiving overt affection

but hey what do i know i probablyy just have all toxic unhealthy relationships where we never understand each other and share mutual trust and love *twirls hair*

the 2012 bros may not openly express their love like the rottmnt boys do, but that doesnt mean its not there. and acting like the rottmnt relationships are automatically better and the only Right standard for healthy relationships seems pretty,, juvenile and inexperienced imo. love isnt only expressed through physical affection and saying things like “i love you,” openly, and assuming there is no love in a relationship without those things is… odd.

love is not only in words or hugs. the 2012 boys can love each other just as much as the rottmnt boys without being open about it. 2012 raph, especially, loves to show affection through acts of service, physical affection, and quality time, but he doesn’t like any of this to be commented on because it makes him uncomfortable. and thats okay! he doesn’t need to express affection openly to have it be there.

just as rottmnt donnie can express love and affection outside of hugs and words, so too can the 2012 boys. they all have their own unique ways of expressing love that the others all respect and recognize, and dismissing that feels less like it’s intentional, and more like the people writing these crossovers just don’t recognize alternate forms of expression exist. which, again,, reeks of inexperience.

( also semi-related tangent speaking of donnie he literally fucking . put a shock collar on his brother like he’s a dog in an attempt to change him. and brainwashed his brothers. and frequently puts his own wants and needs over their own - which is totally fine, if it didn’t happen all the time. it’s kinda laughable to say 2012 raph is worse than rottmnt donnie honestly

siblings hit each other. okay. siblings hit each other. i need y’all to recognize this. i will power drive my little brother into the floor over the last oreo. siblings hitting each other is not abusive (TYPICALLY) because there are established boundaries both parties abide by. like i will never touch my siblings if they are in a bad mood, trying to concentrate on something, or otherwise in a bad position (like standing somewhere dangerous, by a corner etc), and i will never intentionally hurt them. if i think they are actually hurt, we stop immediately until they tell me theyre fine. roughhousing with your siblings is fun. it is bonding. its a self-esteem booster to be able to pick up ur freshman brother okay.

the 2012 bros always abide by these rules. they never hurt each other beyond what the other party can handle, and if they do, it is very clearly treated as a bad thing by them or the other brothers so they realize they went over the line, and they resolve it by the end of the episode (as is the way of formulaic kids shows).

rottmnt donnie. put a fucking shock collar on his brother. and this is funny to him. and not something he ever learns from. and totally not weirdly sexual. But 2012 raph is the bad guy? ok )

i mean. i dont know what i expect from a fandom full of chronically online children who truly dont have experience with relationships. but it just really irks me for some reason and its currently one in the morning so im feeling whiny about it.

affection outside of words and hugs exists. affection outside of words and hugs exist!! and if you know that then you know that the 2012 boys love each other so so so much, just as much as rottmnt. just because they express it differently than in sanitized queer TV shows and not overtly, so you kinda have to pick up on nuance, doesnt mean they dont love each other. let people love other people in non-overt ways!

#seriously as someone who. hates receiving and giving direct affection #to the point where someone even sharing a fic of mine out of affection or complimenting me makes me. uncomfortable i guess.#it really irks me when these fics bash on the subtle kind of love #i love doing things for people !! i love love love doing acts of service and adult parallel play and small physical affection #and having that love devalued and discredited because its not… clear enough. idk feels odd #it feels like it comes from teenagers who hug their partners in the high school hallways and block the entier fuckin path and talk in #baby voices #okay. it feels like it comes from that specific kind of person. okay. i said it. you feel like you have attachment issues #i just !! this is such a STUPID thing to get worked up about . but its one thirty am i literally do not care anymore ig #anyway #vent #ramble #rottmnt slander #rottmnt donnie slander #IM SORRY I CANT HOMD IT BACK ANYMORE. I HATE HIM. HE HAS ZERO REDEEMING QUALITIES TO ME. IM SORRY NERO

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autisticlee · 5 months

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i've noticed that there's always a lot of discourse about trying on labels like for sexuality and gender for example. people saying if you dont know, don't claim am identity. people complaining about people using labels lying and being fakes. complaining when someone changes their lable/identity.

you even see it in conservatives who whine and cry about gender and sexuality saying stuff like "you can't know that yet/you're too young/what if it changes/you can't just decide now and change later" and seeing queer people say the same things can be super discouraging and alienating.

because the thing is, humans do change. It's a natural phenomenon we can't do anything about. it's perfectly ok to feel one way now and then realize you feel differently later on. it can be because life experiences changed who you, or you realize/discover something, or etc.

also, how will someone know who/what they are without trying things out to see what fits? to see what feels right? not everyone just KNOWS who they are or what they want or how they feel automatically. telling people they can't experiment to see what works does nothing but alienate them and make them feel even more lost and alone.

i know it's a bit more of a touchy and difficult subject and im debating adding it in, but I see a similar discourse for example in the autistic community where people try to gatekeep the identity for only "officially diagnosed" people. (I was trying to think of something else that's not only gender/sexuality because my whole point should apply to more than just queer identities but this is all I could think of atm) i've seen it in other communities as well (mental or physical illnesses and disabilities and stuff for example) you have to relate to an identity basically, in order to bring it to a doctor. usually a doctor won't just say "oh you have this!" on their own; you have to tell the doctor "I think I have this" and sometimes it takes you years of research to figure out things yourself (because we all know doctors can be useless at times) by that point, if someone is putting that much time into a thing, there less chance of them faking it. if they think they have a disorder like DID but don't, then they still need help. but there shouldn't be so much aggression towards people who get evaluated or reevaluated and realize they were wrong. it's actually ok to be wrong and correct yourself later, contrary to popular belief. 1 or 19 or even 100 people being wrong doesn't mean we should let that reflect on *everyone* and let people with ill intent call everyone a "faker"

even if it turns out you were wrong, there's no real harm in trying on things until you reach a final conclusion. it's other people's opnions and reactions to it that are the harmful part.

[imagine if you had to guess what clothes and shoes would fit you, look good on you, and feel good without trying them on, you have to decide on one only, and then you have to keep wearing only those clothes and shoes after that and can never change out of them. that's so silly, right?]

sometimes you have to make guesses about your identity first and get confirmation later. sometimes you guess that you are a cishet man and date a cishet woman and realize a few years into the relationship that you are actually a trans lesbian. It's perfectly fine and normal to change after some time! we all need to not gatekeep and instead support each other. accept each other either way.

if someone feels they are trans for years and transitions and then realizes they are actually nonbinary and maybe slides into a more androgynous state or even stops transition or detransitions, don't call them fake! if someone is aroace and then starts dating, realizing they felt that way due to trauma in the past but were able to heal from it, don't call then a fraud! if a lesbian falls in love with a man and realizes she's actually bi, don't say she lied or tricked you!

yes, I know that there's often stigmas and stereotypes about changing. the whole "it's just a phase" thing for example. or accusing people of "following a trend." and the whole fact that the phobes always try to force their harmful belief that these identities are a "choice" and "choosing" them is wrong. change can mimic "a choice," but change does not always equal choice! someone changing does NOT always mean they are choosing something different. many times in life change isn't a choice!!! the fact that reflects poorly on the lables/communities by those who already have a bias against them is what needs change.

but that's the thing. that's precisely what i'm saying. we need to break down those stigmas around change. so what if it's a "phase" ???? why can't someone have an experience for a short time and then change it later due to whatever reason or circumstances? why can't someone try something out and then realize it's not right later on? why do we have to decide on a label or identity for life while still trying to figure out who we are? why is someone naturally changing or realizing something about themselves considered lying and fake? why do we let other people's bad opinions create stigmas and stereotypes around everything and then let that dictate everything we do? instead of gatekeeping and hurting potential new community members, why can't we break down those stereotypes and stigmas instead? instead of shaming people who try out your lables, why not shame and demonize the people that throw stereotypes and stigmas at you just because someone else is trying to figure out who they are still????? why let haters dictate how you treat others?

choose the right battles. fight the right people.

#lee rambles #lgbt #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer #what do i tag this as???? too many words. brain tired from words and cant think of tags now #maybe those few will be fine for now #i hope this ramble made sense. it was hard to put into words. so not sure if it came across correctly or not #took forever to write. dont feel like proofreading. apologies for any typos or mistakes

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demadogs · 2 years

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I personally think Mike already realized he loves will at the end of S3. What are your opinions on that last scene where he goes to hug his mom?

i dont think he’s had his full conscious realization yet because the audience would need to be aware of that too. they cant just start season 4 and show mike pining without an explanation. we have to be in on it because they didnt queer code mike nearly as heavily as they did will (and i think the reason for that is because he doesnt know he’s gay! will does so thats why we see it more). it would seem outta nowhere if we didnt see his epiphany moment. they have to show us a very obvious, irrefutable moment of this realization.

that moment with his mom mightve been more about his confusion for the lack of love he feels for el, but he’s not thinking about the fact that it’s because she’s a girl. i think he’s genuinely confused, or as finn has called him, clueless as to why he couldnt say he loves her to her face. and in that moment where he hugs his mom he thinks there might be something “wrong” with him but doesnt know what yet.

i do think he’s noticed that he feels more strongly about will than dustin or lucas but again, he’s clueless and doesn’t realize what that means. and i think deep down he’s always known he’s not that satisfied with el, especially from that first scene of them making out where you see him moving her hands and not letting her touch him, but this is his first relationship and he probably doesnt realize that it could be better and he’s not at all considering how different it would be with a guy.

maybe his whole ignoring will for el strategy in s3 was this subconscious act of avoiding confrontation with what that strong feeling could mean because he doesnt wanna know. spending all his time with el and ignoring will and the others last season might have been an effort to try and be more satisfied romantically with her or finally feel that “electricity” like dustin was talking about in s2, but he never feels it. but then when its flipped this season and he’s spending all his time with will and not el, THATS when he feels it and he has that “holy shit i like will” moment.

#this is a much longer answer than i originally thought it would be #stranger things #byler #eden answers

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violentviolette · 1 year

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I may be misreading the tags, but how exactly does your wife identify with the lesbian label? You're a trans man, so I'm curious as to how your wife's label affects the relationship and what not (as in, how does your wife view you and be attracted to you in a 'lesbian' way). Fuck I am asking this terribly LMAO if your wife is fine with elaborating on their label(s), that would be cool! I'd like to educate myself on "unconventional labels" more.

i think my wife identifies as a lesbian pretty easily actually lol pretty sure it's as natural as breathing for her at this point after 25+ years. and i actually dont think there's anything unconventional about it at all, she's just a lesbian and it doesnt really effect our relationship cause neither one of us has any issue with the others labels and we dont feel they contradict our own. my wife is a butch lesbian and im a nb trans man and thats really all there is to it. she loves me like a person loves another person

real life is very very rarely as neat and orderly and catagorized as online queer spaces make it sound, and i think our situation is much more common than most people who mostly only interact with other queer ppl online think. in real life queer communities specific labels matter WAY less than they ever do here, u dont have to change ur entire label and identity for a single person. my wife and i are both deeply queer and we love eachother and that's what matters most to us both.

we met and started dating when we were 19, i didnt realize i was trans until i was around like 25ish and at that point we'd been together for 6 years and had built a life with one another. we obviously had a lot of talks about it at first while i was first coming out and figuring out what i wanted for myself. we talked about what was important to each of us, what we were comfortable with, where each of our boundaries were, what were deal breakers for us, ect. Obviously every individual person is going to be different and everyones comfort levels and needs and preferences are going to be different, and so not everyone in our same position would feel the same, and if certain things were different about either of us we might not feel the same, but for us we ended up not really having any issues staying together

i think the biggest thing for each of us was retaining our autonomy and not feeling the need to change either of our language to try and accomodate the other. being a lesbian and that label is important to my wife, she isnt attracted to men and has no interest in dating men, she's a very classic butch dyke and that identity and community is important to her, so there's really no need for her to change her label or sense of self just to justify her love for me, it's just not neccessary. i know she loves me for the person i am because no one alive knows me better than her, and thats more than enough for me.

and in the same way i dont feel the need to downplay my masculinity or hide my gender or call myself any less of a man in order to justify loving and staying together with her. im a dude and a guy and i use he pronouns and she has always respected that and never tried to discourge me for her own sake. she wants me to be happy and authentic and true to myself and has no need or desire to feminize me in any way in order to continue to love me. she knows the whole person i am and is not only okay with that, but genuinely enjoys it. she can not love men while still loving me.

and thats really all there is to it, i dont think it's that unconventional or weird or even contradictary. we're queer and thats what matters. i think one of the best things about being queer is being able to fuck with those conceptions and those binaries and the rules given to us by cishet society

im a bisexual femme ass boygirl and my wife is a dyke ass lesbian girlboy. we're both a little gender fucky and thats the way we like it.

#jack.speaks #anon #whats really fun is seeing the looks on ppls faces when we tell them im the boy and she's the girl #while she's in wranglers construction boots and a flannet with a pocket knife clipped to her belt #and im out here with a full set of manicured nails and enough eyeliner to put gerard way to shame #we live to confuse cis people

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cosmicbrowniefan · 2 years

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-They/She/He

-I’m 5’3 with short blonde hair that fades into purple. I have blue eyes that can look either green or grey depending on the day.

-Im bi, but Im more comfortable being shipped with a girl. -Im introverted and enjoy reading, drawing, painting, surfing, and listening to music.

-I can be mean at times (especially when im angry or upset at someone) but im normally pretty kind. Im very sarcastic and get very anxious at times. Im hard on myself and feel responsible for everything. Im pretty smart and always get good grades. Im normally quiet, but I start talking a lot when I get excited about something I love or care about.

- I enjoy being alone most of the time, calming music, working out, talking with my friends, good books, soda, and making people happy.

-I dont like people who are obnoxious for no reason, waking up early, coffee, crying, or dealing young kids.

-Im kinda curvy I guess and kinda pale, but i have a TON of freckles

Thanks!

i ship you with...

robin buckley

how you met: surprisingly enough, through steve harrington. he saw you at the gym one day and you had a queer sticker on your water bottle, so steve, being the World’s Best Ally, decided to tell the one queer person he knew that he found another queer person. of course, robin, upon hearing that he had a suggestion, went into a spiel of “steve not all gay people like each other you need to realize that”, but then he showed her a picture of you in the yearbook and robin shut up immediately. because it was you. her long time crush. that she did NOT know was queer.

her first impression of you: robin’s first impression of you was that you were really sweet and kind and introspective, but also incredibly quiet. which made her worried because the last thing she ever wanted to do was accidentally overwhelm you. luckily, the more you guys spent time together, the more comfortable she got. of course, it’s robin, she continued to talk a lot, but not in any kind of annoying way. you actually really enjoy listening to everything she has to say because you think it’s very interesting to hear her thoughts.

how you got together: after finding out that you were queer, robin decided to try and get closer to you. again, she was nervous because of how quiet you were in contrast to her, but she quickly got more comfortable with you and was honestly shocked by the amount of sarcasm you used. you guys got together one day when she was rambling about something and you were just kind of looking at her lovingly. her talking wasn’t annoying you, but you were just so distracted by how perfect she was. and so you decided to kiss her, and you started laughing at the look on her face when you did. after a second, she cleared her throat and said, “that was a really nice way of telling me to shut up.”

what she likes most about you: robin ADORES the sound of your laugh. she just thinks it’s honestly the most angelic sound in the world. and making you laugh? biggest honor of her LIFE. physically, robin loves your freckles. you always point out to her that her freckles are cute too, but she insists that you’re the only person that freckles look good on.

what you guys enjoy doing together: this isn’t something you guys do super often, but it’s still one of your favorite memories. robin talked all the time about how much she admires your hair, and how she loves the color of it and wishes that she had the confidence to do something like that. well, one day when she’s talking about it, you just casually offer to dye her hair for her. she stopped talking and considers for a moment, before saying “fuck it, let’s do this” and that’s the story of how robin ended up with the colors of the lesbian flag in her hair.

bonus headcanon: your relationship is just like. very healthy. like your communication with each other is TOP tier, and neither of you ever feels pressured to text or hang out all the time or anything like that. you guys just share your feelings and stay open with each other and your relationship has really never felt threatened or in jeopardy, because you both trust and love and care for each other so much <3

#stranger things #stranger things ship game #stranger things ships #cosmicbrowniefan asks #cosmicbrowniefan ship game #stranger things x reader #reader x stranger things #i ship you with #i ship you with stranger things #reader insert #match maker #robin buckley

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daydreamsandcrashingwaves · 5 months

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as someone who's not only from the US but also from a red state, i'm pretty sure the OP of that post about trump wasn't talking about people who have trouble getting out to vote or are affected by things such as gerrymandering. recently on tumblr there have been a lot of people talking about deliberately not voting even though they could, or going on about how horrible it is to tell people they need to vote for biden, because they're (understandably, but still) mad at biden for funding israel and don't realize that letting trump win over him would only make things worse for people in palestine, as well as for people in the US and in many other places in the world. i've been seeing so many posts going around where people say they're going to purposely not vote for biden and encouraging others to also not vote for him, that it's been making me utterly terrified that we're about to face another trump presidency. i think that's what that post was addressing.

I agree another four years of Trump would be catastrophic. I am also terrified anon. Thank you for reaching out and being respectful,

How is tumblr a reflection of the american population as a whole? and like There is NO context on OP's post, just generalizations. MY FEEDS haven't had people saying shit like that. There's been outrage over palestine, over US involvement, I've seen posts Promoting voting especially in states that have been criminalizing queer citizens, I've seen posts begging people to register, providing links to help do that. If OP wanted to increase Voter Turnout they maybe would've looked into those organizations in the states and promoted it too, I guess they can be doing that too right now. That is IF it's so important to THEM, those who don't have to live in it. It's easy to criticize. I'm not over here making posts about England and Ireland's relationship for example, I dont create my own content to speak on shit I don't have enough info for. I share and promote those who do, well when I'm not shitposting cuz I can't be serious all the time. Respectfully, we curate our own internet experience based on how we interact. Maybe that's the algorithm providing content for OP and you to see more often?

Nothing about these comments' you have told me about surprises me though, it's happened Every Election, as far back as I can remember. Because of our two-party system its almost expected that we go to or talk in extremes. That's tied to values and identity since our political parties love to promote and link their parties to moral and values. and honestly IDK why everyone is so surprised and worked up because it happens every election. Since 2004 we've had about the same 60% turn out, with a small dip to 58.6% in 2012. Tough divisive topics seem to get more voters out and more people want their vote to be heard, generally because they can't stand the other candidate. Even if every eligable citizen did vote, Trump could still win. Then what? That's why it comes down to the context and all those extra things like finances, education, demographic, area of the US ect. those things set trends for voters. We influence that we influence voting.

I can see why you want to keep these topics kinda separate. Unfortunately, everything is political and also interconnected. I can understand Why people are frustrated and wanting to throw in the towel. I don't agree with it but I understand.

Do you know a lot of our citizens aren't even registered? I was providing insight to why that could be. Ya'll seem to think what? Based on social media you know what's up? News flash theres people who never vote. There always has been. It's why education is important, it's why being involved in your community and local government is important. It's why paying attention to what happens around a election is important, as well as looking at the past. It's why talking to each other and encouraging people to go be heard, instead of ripping them a new one. (If eventually we can push for voters to go to local elections we can start taking away the political base for people like Trump. Also if we stop reelecting people over and over, oh and no lifetime appointments to the SC but those are for another time.)

The last two presidential elections had more turnout than before. This is why it's important to have context.

"Voter turnout in the United States fluctuates in national elections. In recent decades, about 60% of the voting eligible population votes during presidential election years and about 40% votes during midterm elections, with 2020 and 2018 marking the highest presidential and midterm turnout in over a century." -FairVote

Voter Turnout - FairVote

"The elections of 2018, 2020 and 2022 were three of the highest-turnout U.S. elections of their respective types in decades. About two-thirds (66%) of the voting-eligible population turned out for the 2020 presidential election – the highest rate for any national election since 1900. The 2018 election (49% turnout) had the highest rate for a midterm since 1914. Even the 2022 election’s turnout, with a slightly lower rate of 46%, exceeded that of all midterm elections since 1970." - Pew Research Center

Voter turnout in US elections, 2018-2022 | Pew Research Center

This second Article goes into depth about how and why people vote, education is a top factor, wealth is a top factor. Americans aren't known to be consistent voters in general, or we decide to pick and chose at which level we vote. BUT that doesn't negate what I said on OP's post.

You know my anon red state friend, we had two major divisive elections in 2016 and 2020, yet we had record turnout, we hadn't seen anything like it since about 1900s. Based strictly on the numbers? I predict about the same for this year. Now I can be wrong, and I will be the first to recognize it if this is the case with this election. Stay with me for a second.

Now lets look at that 40%, no one can possibly believe 40% of Americans just don't care and won't vote or add in a candidate. That number is the total who didn't vote, there are MANY factors to why people don't or can't vote. so a percentage of that 40% of Americans just say fuck you, but not EVERYONE in the 40% THATS WHY I GAVE CONTEXT ON OP'S POST, let me be generous and say half of that 40% are people who do that BS, CONDEMNING ALL AMERICANS FOR SUCH AN ABYSMAL NUMBER IS WRONG. I stand by that Anon.

It took me two minutes to do some research to share with you all. Anyone can look it up.

We DONT have mandatory voting or a national holiday to free up citizens to vote. The government actively works to make it harder. Many of us are paycheck to paycheck and have been for generations. So taking off work is virtually impossible. Most voting centers are open for normal business hours or just a little more than that.

We all got blamed for Trump yet Hilary won the popular vote.

If the Electoral College can completely change the winner of the election and go against the popular vote of the people, how can OP or anyone else really point the finger at everyday citizens? I'm genuinely curious. Enlighten me. Because change in law and or government organization in this country is slow going. Getting politicians with modern nonreligious ideas and policies is hard. Politicians who won't be bought is even rarer. Good luck getting rid of the electoral college, it'll be a hellva fight. It's slow going but we are going. Hell we've never changed the bulk of our constitution only really amending it, when France has had 14 constitutions.

At the end of the day my point? Shit is complex and people painting it in ultimatums is shitty. Americans actually have very little control, less than we realize, has been happening since 9/11 at an alarming rate. If this election gets declared as fraudulent, they could put whomever they want in the WH anyways.

Picking and choosing what plays into American voting and politics gives the wrong impression. Context is everything and we all know it. It's like getting a text that says "We need to talk" without context that can be a paralyzing statement. "We need to talk about our schedule next month" is completely different with just 5 words.

Honestly anon I probably would've scrolled on OP's post but the absolute? Oh I hate those.

Again I don't mind discussing these topics, and anon if you see this and wanna send another one I'm open to continuing the dialog, with anyone else too!

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dungeonsdragonstdelinquents · 11 months

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Hey, I saw your post about being demi. I just want to let you know that it’s okay to not be sure of your sexuality yet. You’ll figure it out eventually. I knew I was bi since I was 16. I’m in my 20’s now and only realized last year that I’m also demisexual. I have always been attracted to men and women. I never wanted to be with anyone unless we were in a relationship. I was never into hookups. I thought something was wrong with me for a while until I learned I’m demi and then it all made sense to me.

hello!!

thank you for this (before i start i just wanna say i loove ur pfp. barbie fans arise!). i keep forgetting that i really do have all the time in the world to figure myself and understand who i love and who i like. and that its ok if i never really figure myself out. it was really comforting to hear about your own experience with figuring out your demisexuality years after you knew you were bi--sometimes i feel like i need to have things figured out immediately and that it will stay that way forever, even though that clearly can't be true because i once thought i was straight lmao.

sort of related to this, hank green recently (? i think it was recent?) came out as bisexual which was really comforting to see because hes in his full adult stage and is married and everything. discovering things about yourself and your orientation or gender can happen anytime, to anyone--seeing someone like him who is a committed relationship and well along in his life (i dont mean old i just mean...hes lived longer than me and has a house lol) discovered something about himself. makes me wish we had more older queer romcoms to see old love :)

also related. but sort of related to this as well as what you were saying about feeling "wrong" about demisexuality--i totally relate. it makes me wonder if we had a show or book or just anything with characters like us that we wouldn't have felt wrong growing up. also i think that a lot of times people mix it up/think theres nothing to these feelings, at least at first because within a lot of major religions theres the call for chastity before marriage, so it doesnt seem strange to not want to hook up before being in a committed relationship. i have so many thoughts about this i might make a big post later on lmao. gotta love religious trauma.

hopefully soon i will find some clarity within myself (even if it is brief), but i have to go out and explore the world first and actually talk to people in person for that to happen which i dont wanna do cknndvsdvsnjdvkjkjdsvndvk. anyways thank you for your message! it seriously does ease my frustration to hear about your own journey. it will all be okay someday :)

have a wonderful evening!!<3

#asks #my asks #demisexuality #demisexual #demiromantic

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easily-bullied · 2 years

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foolish

Ok so out of a constant need to preface every action I take with unneeded context so as to protect myself from criticisms I would never receive, I have to say that I don’t know how tumblr works and I don”t know if im going to be using it right but I want a space to write and for reasons I don’t want to look at right now my diary has to be out where anyone could see it even if no one ever does.

Im high. I wonder how many of these I will be writing while high. I hope I dont keep track. I dont want to get more depressed.

I’m feeling listless as usual these days. to set the scene, im a 30 year old trans woman who came out 2 years ago, and in the last year I lost my dog, my girlfriend, my dream home, and my job in that order. So anyways right now it’s been a low season. It’s been a big reset and I had no agency in any of it. In some ways I feel like the last life decision I got to make for myself was coming out. I dont think any of the shit i’ve gone through this year is a repercussion of that decision though. Its a decision that impacts every facet of my life but even with that I think it’s unrelated. hard to separate them though, like if I let my mind wander unchecked it makes a connection and I hate that. It’s not that coming out didnt have some consequences that were difficult or sad, but like I just don’t want to add to the list.

listening to some sad music and writing some emo shit like this is really taking me back. Im so in my head about how old I am right now. it’s fucking me up and it really shouldnt bug me. I should go smoke more.

I didnt smoke more. Wanted to keep you updated.

Anyways, I’m listless. I have big decisions to make but right now I have no wants or motivation. Like obviously Im depressed but still I guess it frightens me that I wont look forward. Focusing on no isnt good either I dont think. My best friend is moving away, I’m just in my apartment all day.

Its honestly funny how much shit I’ve gone through the last little while. Like it sucks in a lot of ways, but also it validates my status as The Main Character, And like FYI it isnt that fun being the main character, But it is funny and it certainly is interesting. Im just worried that after this latest big status quo change, next season is going to be kind of messy. I’m worried that it’s not gonna be the type of show I’m used to. I guess I get to decide what kind of show it is. Thats kind of the big scary thing about it is that I just don’t know where to go from here. You spend like literal decades of your life with only one desire and you withhold it from yourself that whole time and then when you get it you look around and realize that because you fucked around for so long you didnt bother to want any other things for your life. Obsessing over wishing I was a woman, now I am one (always was blah-blah-blah) and its like ok well that was easier than I thought, now what.

Obviously right now theres some ongoing story threads happening but they feel placeholder. The further mending of my relationship with my mom, but thats basically wrapped up at this point. There’s the semi serious fwb situation with a girl from out of town but I don’t see that storyline having legs, if it does I won’t be disappointed I guess, but I would be surprised. It started to quickly after my break up, I think the vulnerability I had at that time lead to the increased intimacy that we have now. And now I’m in an isolating state so I can’t be vulnerable with anyone knew. I had told myself I wanted to enter a hoe phase but it turns out I don’t have that energy rn. Maybe thats depression or being 30 or I just never had that in me.

I just want the next season to be fun, I want it to be fruitful and full of artistry and joy and freedom. Thats where I should be pointing my compass. I’ve been focusing on work and money and that will work itself out. Im white passing, I’ll be fine. Visibly queer I guess, but thats part of the whole thing. I just need to work at a library. All my problems will be solved.

OK I feel better. I’m gonna put this away. thanks

#transfem #first post #diary #lgtbqia+

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nothorses · 3 years

Text

Interview With An Ex-Radfem

exradfem is an anonymous Tumblr user who identifies as transmasculine, and previously spent time in radical feminist communities. They have offered their insight into those communities using their own experiences and memories as a firsthand resource.

Background

I was raised in an incredibly fundamentalist religion, and so was predisposed to falling for cult rhetoric. Naturally, I was kicked out for being a lesbian. I was taken in by the queer community, particularly the trans community, and I got back on my feet- somehow. I had a large group of queer friends, and loved it. I fully went in on being the Best Trans Ally Possible, and constantly tried to be a part of activism and discourse.

Unfortunately, I was undersocialized, undereducated, and overenthusiastic. I didn't fully understand queer or gender theory. In my world, when my parents told me my sexuality was a choice and I wasn't born that way, they were absolutely being homophobic. I understood that no one should care if it's a choice or not, but it was still incredibly, vitally important to me that I was born that way.

On top of that, I already had an intense distrust of men bred by a lot of trauma. That distrust bred a lot of gender essentialism that I couldn't pull out of the gender binary. I felt like it was fundamentally true that men were the problem, and that women were inherently more trustworthy. And I really didn't know where nonbinary people fit in.

Then I got sucked down the ace exclusionist pipeline; the way the arguments were framed made sense to my really surface-level, liberal view of politics. This had me primed to exclude people –– to feel like only those that had been oppressed exactly like me were my community.

Then I realized I was attracted to my nonbinary friend. I immediately felt super guilty that I was seeing them as a woman. I started doing some googling (helped along by ace exclusionists on Tumblr) and found the lesfem community, which is basically radfem “lite”: lesbians who are "only same sex attracted". This made sense to me, and it made me feel so much less guilty for being attracted to my friend; it was packaged as "this is just our inherent, biological desire that is completely uncontrollable". It didn't challenge my status quo, it made me feel less guilty about being a lesbian, and it allowed me to have a "biological" reason for rejecting men.

I don't know how much dysphoria was playing into this, and it's something I will probably never know; all of this is just piecing together jumbled memories and trying to connect dots. I know at the time I couldn't connect to this trans narrative of "feeling like a woman". I couldn't understand what trans women were feeling. This briefly made me question whether I was nonbinary, but radfem ideas had already started seeping into my head and I'm sure I was using them to repress that dysphoria. That's all I can remember.

The lesfem community seeded gender critical ideas and larger radfem princples, including gender socialization, gender as completely meaningless, oppression as based on sex, and lesbian separatism. It made so much innate sense to me, and I didn't realize that was because I was conditioned by the far right from the moment of my birth. Of course women were just a biological class obligated to raise children: that is how I always saw myself, and I always wanted to escape it.

I tried to stay in the realms of TIRF (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist) and "gender critical" spaces, because I couldn't take the vitriol on so many TERF blogs. It took so long for me to get to the point where I began seeing open and unveiled transphobia, and I had already read so much and bought into so much of it that I thought that I could just ignore those parts.

In that sense, it was absolutely a pipeline for me. I thought I could find a "middle ground", where I could "center women" without being transphobic.

Slowly, I realized that the transphobia was just more and more disgustingly pervasive. Some of the trans men and butch women I looked up to left the groups, and it was mostly just a bunch of nasty people left. So I left.

After two years offline, I started to recognize I was never going to be a healthy person without dealing with my dysphoria, and I made my way back onto Tumblr over the pandemic. I have realized I'm trans, and so much of this makes so much more sense now. I now see how I was basically using gender essentialism to repress my identity and keep myself in the closet, how it was genuinely weaponized by TERFs to keep me there, and how the ace exclusionist movement primed me into accepting lesbian separatism- and, finally, radical feminism.

The Interview

You mentioned the lesfem community, gender criticals, and TIRFs, which I haven't heard about before- would you mind elaborating on what those are, and what kinds of beliefs they hold?

I think the lesfem community is recruitment for lesbians into the TERF community. Everything is very sanitized and "reasonable", and there's an effort not to say anything bad about trans women. The main focus was that lesbian = homosexual female, and you can't be attracted to gender, because you can't know someone's gender before knowing them; only their sex.

It seemed logical at the time, thinking about sex as something impermeable and gender as internal identity. The most talk about trans women I saw initially was just in reference to the cotton ceiling, how sexual orientation is a permanent and unchangeable reality. Otherwise, the focus was homophobia. This appealed to me, as I was really clinging to the "born this way" narrative.

This ended up being a gateway to two split camps - TIRFs and gender crits.

I definitely liked to read TIRF stuff, mostly because I didn't like the idea of radical feminism having to be transphobic. But TIRFs think that misogyny is all down to hatred of femininity, and they use that as a basis to be able to say trans women are "just as" oppressed.

Gender criticals really fought out against this, and pushed the idea that gender is fake, and misogyny is just sex-based oppression based on reproductive issues. They believe that the source of misogyny is the "male need to control the source of reproduction"- which is what finally made me think I had found the "source" of my confusion. That's why I ended up in gender critical circles instead of TIRF circles.

I'm glad, honestly, because the mask-off transphobia is what made me finally see the light. I wouldn't have seen that in TIRF communities.

I believed this in-between idea, that misogyny was "sex-based oppression" and that transphobia was also real and horrible, but only based on transition, and therefore a completely different thing. I felt that this was the "nuanced" position to take.

The lesfem community also used the fact that a lot of lesbians have partners who transition, still stay with their lesbian partners, and see themselves as lesbian- and that a lot of trans men still see themselves as lesbians. That idea is very taboo and talked down in liberal queer spaces, and I had some vague feelings about it that made me angry, too. I really appreciated the frank talk of what I felt were my own taboo experiences.

I think gender critical ideology also really exploited my own dysphoria. There was a lot of talk about how "almost all butches have dysphoria and just don't talk about it", and that made me feel so much less alone and was, genuinely, a big relief to me that I "didn't have to be trans".

Lesfeminism is essentially lesbian separatism dressed up as sex education. Lesfems believe that genitals exist in two separate categories, and that not being attracted to penises is what defines lesbians. This is used to tell cis lesbians, "dont feel bad as a lesbian if you're attracted to trans men", and that they shouldn’t feel "guilty" for not being attracted to trans women. They believe that lesbianism is not defined as being attracted to women, it is defined as not being attracted to men; which is a root idea in lesbian separatism as well.

Lesfems also believe that attraction to anything other than explicit genitals is a fetish: if you're attracted to flat chests, facial hair, low voices, etc., but don't care if that person has a penis or not, you're bisexual with a fetish for masculine attributes. Essentially, they believe the “-sexual” suffix refers to the “sex” that you are assigned at birth, rather than your attraction: “homosexual” refers to two people of the same sex, etc. This was part of their pushback to the ace community, too.

I think they exploited the issues of trans men and actively ignored trans women intentionally, as a way of avoiding the “TERF” label. Pronouns were respected, and they espoused a constant stream of "trans women are women, trans men are men (but biology still exists and dictates sexual orientation)" to maintain face.

They would only be openly transmisogynistic in more private, radfem-only spaces.

For a while, I didn’t think that TERFs were real. I had read and agreed with the ideology of these "reasonable" people who others labeled as TERFs, so I felt like maybe it really was a strawman that didn't exist. I think that really helped suck me in.

It sounds from what you said like radical feminism works as a kind of funnel system, with "lesfem" being one gateway leading in, and "TIRF" and "gender crit" being branches that lesfem specifically funnels into- with TERFs at the end of the funnel. Does that sound accurate?

I think that's a great description actually!

When I was growing up, I had to go to meetings to learn how to "best spread the word of god". It was brainwashing 101: start off by building a relationship, find a common ground. Do not tell them what you really believe. Use confusing language and cute innuendos to "draw them in". Prey on their emotions by having long exhausting sermons, using music and peer pressure to manipulate them into making a commitment to the church, then BAM- hit them with the weird shit.

Obviously I am paraphrasing, but this was framed as a necessary evil to not "freak out" the outsiders.

I started to see that same talk in gender critical circles: I remember seeing something to the effect of, "lesfem and gender crit spaces exist to cleanse you of the gender ideology so you can later understand the 'real' danger of it", which really freaked me out; I realized I was in a cult again.

I definitely think it's intentional. I think they got these ideas from evangelical Christianity, and they actively use it to spread it online and target young lesbians and transmascs. And I think gender critical butch spaces are there to draw in young transmascs who hate everything about femininity and womanhood, and lesfem spaces are there to spread the idea that trans women exist as a threat to lesbianism.

Do you know if they view TIRFs a similar way- as essentially prepping people for TERF indoctrination?

Yes and no.

I've seen lots of in-fighting about TIRFs; most TERFs see them as a detriment, worse than the "TRAs" themselves. I've also definitely seen it posed as "baby's first radfeminism". A lot of TIRFs are trans women, at least from what I've seen on Tumblr, and therefore are not accepted or liked by radfems. To be completely honest, I don't think they're liked by anyone. They just hate men.

TIRFs are almost another breed altogether; I don't know if they have ties to lesfems at all, but I do think they might've spearheaded the online ace exclusionist discourse. I think a lot of them also swallowed radfem ideology without knowing what it was, and parrot it without thinking too hard about how it contradicts with other ideas they have.

The difference is TIRFs exist. They're real people with a bizarre, contradictory ideology. The lesfem community, on the other hand, is a completely manufactured "community" of crypto-terfs designed specifically to indoctrinate people into TERF ideology.

Part of my interest in TIRFs here is that they seem to have a heavy hand in the way transmascs are treated by the trans community, and if you're right that they were a big part of ace exclusionism too they've had a huge impact on queer discourse as a whole for some time. It seems likely that Baeddels came out of that movement too.

Yes, there’s a lot of overlap. The more digging I did, the more I found that it's a smaller circle running the show than it seems. TIRFs really do a lot of legwork in peddling the ideology to outer queer community, who tend to see it as generic feminism.

TERFs joke a lot about how non-radfems will repost or reblog from TERFs, adding "op is a TERF”. They're very gleeful when people accept their ideology with the mask on. They think it means these people are close to fully learning the "truth", and they see it as further evidence they have the truth the world is hiding. I think it's important to speak out against radical feminism in general, because they’re right; their ideology does seep out into the queer community.

Do you think there's any "good" radical feminism?

No. It sees women as the ultimate victim, rather than seeing gender as a tool to oppress different people differently. Radical feminism will always see men as the problem, and it is always going to do harm to men of color, gay men, trans men, disabled men, etc.

Women aren't a coherent class, and radfems are very panicked about that fact; they think it's going to be the end of us all. But what's wrong with that? That's like freaking out that white isn't a coherent group. It reveals more about you.

It's kind of the root of all exclusionism, the more I think about it, isn't it? Just freaking out that some group isn't going to be exclusive anymore.

Radical feminists believe that women are inherently better than men.

For TIRFs, it's gender essentialism. For TERFs, its bio essentialism. Both systems are fundamentally broken, and will always hurt the groups most at risk. Centering women and misogyny above all else erases the root causes of bigotry and oppression, and it erases the intersections of race and class. The idea that women are always fundamentally less threatening is very white and privileged.

It also ignores how cis women benefit from gender norms just as cis men do, and how cis men suffer from gender roles as well. It’s a system of control where gender non-conformity is a punishable offense.

#transgender #transphobia #trans #transmisogyny #radical feminism #radfem #feminism #transandrophobia #terfs #tirfs #gender critical #nothorses #cult mention #long post

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nerdygaymormon · 2 years

Note

I'm sorry to dump this on you when you've already had your own hqrd stuff recently, but I've always respected your takes and advice before, and I ry need to reach out to someone actually older then me who gets the struggles of being LDS/Queer from the inside.

I'm 30, female, realized I was queer 2 years ago and I just feel so utterly hopeless lately, the last conference pretty much killed any lingering hope I had that the church would be improving in any truly significant ways in my lifetime, I'd honeslty leave but I also know that doing so could cause huge tension in my family, as two siblings and one parent are supportive but the others are not. My parenta divorced when I was 12 and after a few years of heavy tension they've managed to have an amenable realtionship again and I dont want to be the cause of destorying that again.

Honestly I'm so angry at the church for making me feel like my relationships with my family are held hostage to their litany of conditional love. I used to love this church so mucb but now all I feel is anger and disgust at it, and that honestly scares me. I dont like being so angry, but I feel so trapped and hopeless.

I've honestly considered just running away, but it such a jerk move and with technology the way it is my family would find me anyway. They're not abusive just unsupportive and often forecful in the way they express their opinions. My supportive beother keeps telling me I should just tell our mom how I feel, but everytime I start to work up the courage she says something to the effect of how liberals and such are ruining the country.

I know I'm only at the beginning of this road, but it just feels like there's no way forward for me anymore.

I appreciate the compliment. And don't worry about if this is a good or a bad time for me, being LDS & LGBTQ is always going to come with some challenges and low times.

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I want to point out that the thoughts about running away and cutting off contact with everyone and starting again is a form of passive suicidal ideation. Passive means you are not looking to unalive yourself but if it happens you'd welcome it, like being hit by a bus or being diagnosed with a terminal illness. Leaving behind your life and everyone in it is like saying you want to end this life.

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Relationships are complicated, especially within a family. I don't think it's fair to blame children for the relationship of parents or other adults. You coming out, you stepping away from church, that shouldn't be a determining factor in your parents' relationship with each other.

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You wrote that every time you start to work up the courage to talk with your mom, she goes on some political rant.

That to me indicates you are ready. It wasn't clear if you're out, but my guess is that you aren't. I think being out will make the second conversation about the church easier to have because it helps explain that decision.

I have some thoughts about coming out that I hope are helpful, they'll also work for a difficult conversation about church

* Pick a good time and place. It might not be “perfect”, and if you get nerves and back out, that’s okay, more opportunities will come along ** Typically it’s better if you can have their undivided attention, not while they’re cooking or watching a movie. And usually not at an event like Thanksgiving dinner or your sister’s wedding ** You can choose to make this formal by inviting them to sit down and that you have something to say ** You can choose to bring this up while you’re just together having a relaxed conversation ** You don’t have to tell the whole family or both parents at the same time ** You can be honest about your feelings. Tell them you’re feeling a little nervous or anxious but you have something important you’d like them to know

* If it’s too hard to have a face-to-face conversation, or you live apart from them and getting together isn’t feasible, you can always choose other ways, like writing a letter, making a video. You do what works for you

* When you tell them, also tell let them know you love them and you want a close, honest, loving relationship with them. Be positive and affirming

* Reassure them that you are happy and healthy. Or if you’re dealing with serious issues, like depression or suicidal thoughts, you can also tell them this and that you hadn’t been able to tell them before, that you want their help

* Understand that they also have a process to go through. Don’t judge them too harshly if their first comments and questions aren’t the kind you’re hoping for

* Have some educational resources for them ** The Family & Friends section of the church's website on same-sex attraction ** The Family History Project has a very good Mormon-specific pamphlet

* Be prepared for some questions. You aren’t required to have all the answers ** They might ask about your future, your faith, your relationships. ** Maybe even basic things like “Are you sure?” “How did you decide?’ “How long have you known?”

* You could think about what ways you’d like them to support you. If they ask how can they help, you’ll be ready with some ideas. Also ask to let you get back to them with more thoughts after you’ve had time to think about it

* Make it clear this is the beginning, not the end. There’ll be more conversations ** After the initial dialogue, your parents or close friends might need some time to digest the information. You’ve been on this path longer than they have, you’ve worked through difficult feelings and different steps

* Be clear about with whom they can and cannot share this information about you

* If you’re physically in the same space, I hope at the conclusion of the conversation that things are such that you can give them a hug while saying you love them

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I know this is already pretty long, but I've been thinking about some questions since Elder Oaks' talk at General Conference. I thought if I share them, you might see you have some of the same ones. And I hope that going through the list, it helps you think about what you believe.

Why would God create people this way (gay, trans, ace, etc) and then expressly forbid them from being who they are?

What revelation or scriptural passages are the Church’s policies about LGBTQIA+ people are based on?

How much do we know about heaven? Seems we have very few details. How is it one thing we’re certain of is that there’s no queer people in heaven?

What is the purpose of queer lives? What are we meant to do? We can't complete the Covenant Path or qualify for exaltation. The big goals of the Plan of Happiness are forbidden to us. Surely our lives have meaning, too

Please don't tell me I can be happy when I'm dead. I need hope in this life, not another reason to contemplate suicide. The LDS Church teaches that “men are that they might have joy.” How does this fit with banning queer people from things that bring the most joy in life?

How am I supposed to make sense of all the queer people who feel assurance that God loves them as they are? That they’re meant to be ace, aro, demi, pan, poly, gay, bi, trans, nb, genderfluid, lesbian, & so on? Why does God whisper comfort to our hearts if we're wrong?

If "wickedness never was happiness" (Alma 41:10), what does that say for all the queer people I know who find happiness in life with a spouse or by expressing their gender identity? To me, this verse testifies those things aren't wicked

Is anyone from church leadership in dialogue with queer members? Do they understand our needs? Do they know the pain and heartache that their teachings cause us? So often it seems they talk about us as if we aren’t even in the room.

"Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them" (Matthew 7:20) 89% of LGBT LDS members have PTSD symptoms. Studies show increased church activity correlates with lower quality of life, lower self-esteem, higher rates of depression, sexual identity crisis & internalized homophobia

God must love LGBTQIA+ people because more of us are being born every day. How can the creator of diversity not have accounted for it in His plan? Have you ever considered that we only have part of the Plan, that there's more to it? The restoration is ongoing.

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Wishing all the best for you

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fandomfluffandfuck · 2 years

Note

Not to be 👃👃👃 but I'm curious 🤔 whats you're relationship with your male-ness? Like crying and such? Were you raised with the boys🤷‍♂️dont🤷‍♂️cy🤷‍♂️

I don't think this is too nosy, don't worry. Actually, I think it's a good thing. Self reflection is always good. But, because it's not fandom related and probably gonna be a bit of a lengthy ramble, I'll put my relationship with masculinity below the cut-

*sensitivity warning for: discussions of toxic masculinity, body image issues, eating disorders, the Q slur, LGBTQ+ realizations & identity, offscreen hunting, strained family relations, depression, etc.

Before I say anything specific, I'm going to mention that I definitely have had to do a lot of unlearning and lot of work around my masculinity. There are still things I need to work on. Completely. But I do think I have a better relationship with it than, say, the male peers I have at my school. Especially considering the environment I find myself in being predominantly white, straight, and cis (outside of my art specific courses because art kids are weird lmao). White boys who've never questioned their sexuality are... uh... sometimes a bit like rocks lmao. They don't understand a lot of things that I, still a white male, but a queer male have had to confront.

Also- for the purpose of social science, I grew up in the lower-middle class with straight, cis, Christian parents that were older (in their 40s) when they began having children and I'm the youngest. Meaning, my parents are DEFINITELY in a separate generation from me.

Crying - let's start there since you outright mentioned it in your ask. Crying is incredibly difficult for me, point blank. I totally grew up being told that "boys don't cry" and to "man up" or "buck up" if I was crying. So, that's a reason, but also, I typically have other coping mechanisms than crying when something upsets me? I don’t think it's a toxicly masculine thing so much as it's a me, a human being, thing. Perhaps I don't cry often now because I cried all my tears as a kid lmao, I cried a l l the time as a kid.

*insert that CE quote here, [in response to, "what were you at 10?"], "uhh, crying, probably."*

I have two older siblings and as siblings do, they would often beat up on me, but also just- I had a lot of emotions growing up. And I was ignored a lot. So it made sense for me to cry all the time lol, crying meant getting attention or getting mercy haha. I used to cry so much that I was taunted for being a "cry-baby" and a "cissy". Then the teenage depression hit and I stopped. [This is not a flex and not good for you-! But, to illustrate my point, I don't think I cried once between 6th (11y/o) and 12th grade (18y/o) and those were the darkest times of my life so... that checks out]

Queerness - another prominent thing that relates to my masculinity is my status in the LGBTQIA(+) community. Being in the community usually makes people brush me off as less masculine instantly. Sometimes with the stereotypes of queer men, people won't even believe me because I'm not FEMININE enough for them. Femininty, flamboyance-y, or anything like that doesn't equate to sexuality. My voice being deep doesn't mean I don't like dick, Karen. Anyway lol- I generally use bisexual with a preference for women/feminine people (or I just say queer, depending on the person I'm speaking to) as a quick short-hand when I meet people because it’s much easier than saying, well, you see, I have a very difficult time being romantically or sexually interested in anyone unless/until I know them well enough to consider them a friend. And I tend to make friends with women easier than men therefore, even though I don't feel the difference between falling for women, men, or NB/GNC people, I tend to date more women. But, labels aside, because of my sexuality, I've always had to war with the "inherent femininity" of being attracted to men. It used to bother me a lot, imagining being with a man as opposed to a woman, because I thought it made me instantly become the "woman" of the relationship (y'know when the first question by straight people is always "so who's the woman?") , which unlocks another masculinity feel...

Appearance - if you have been around on this blog from the beginning (totally fine if you haven't) then you know that I share a striking resemblance to pre-serum Steve. I'm not blonde and I don't have blue eyes (I have brown, curly/wavy hair with dark green eyes), but I am short and skin-and-bones. I'm 5'6 and weigh about 110-120ish. So. I'm not super muscular. I'm not a big man, I'm just not. It's not how I'm built, even while in the best health I've ever been. Neither are the other men in my family built super "masculine-ly". But that didn't stop me, as a young dude, from working-out incredibly unhealthily, dangerously really, and developing eating disorders. I'm not built in the "classic" or "correct" masculine way (I also have a birth defect, pectus excavatum, but that's more just- oh, I don't look like other people, not specifically masculinity issue). Now, I try to shrug it off on bad days and on good days, work towards peace with it, this is the only body I'll ever have and it mostly works so... what else could I want? We're not gonna talk about genitalia today lol, that's a different line. Just know that I quickly unlearned that gender does Not equal genitalia because the fuck?? It's just flesh. Who gives a shit.

Fashion - I'm separating appearance in body here and fashion because I think there's a difference, at least for me. I can't change my body, I can change the fabric on it though lol. Fashion wise I definitely gravitate towards black and dark values as opposed to color, also - perhaps because I'm queer and therefore have always been told I should care about my fashion and appearance in a different way to straight men - I like alternative aesthetics. Which, both, also got me called some pretty nasty things (F and Q slurs included) behind and in front of my back. Both by family and peers. I've had people say they "could tell" I'm gay because I wear clothes that, sure, are oversized because I'm smaller, but still fit relatively well. Because I'm not in camo and cargo shorts and caps pulled down to my eyebrows. Whatever. Within alternative fashion I still am attracted to really stereotypically masculine things: leather jackets, t-shirts or button ups, clunky work boots, thick watches, silver rings (I am an artist okay? Of course I have decorative rings (my friend gave me one that looks like a dragon and I adore it)), chain wallets, straight cut jeans (sometimes ripped if I'm extra edgy, but usually not), leather belts (I had a spiked belt at one point but I broke :( and I can't afford to replace it). I just love the look, classic but edgy. Even though I've been given shit for the way I dress, I've never been able to muster up a lot of guilt about it in relation to my manhood. Just more, like, why do people give a fuck? I dress like this because I like it. Why do you have to get pissy about it? You like what you like. I like what I like. I'm not hurting anyone! C'mon!

Face - as a man, I don't get much messaging about how you. must. be. beautiful. or. you're. worthless. However... the funny thing about mental health issues is that they tend to envelop all of you. I've had quite the battle with my own face. Especially having acne. There's about 5, 6, 7 years of my life with only a handful of photos because I hated it so much.

Hobbies - I'm not built with super huge muscles or super lanky, nor do I dress entirely "traditionally masculine" but at least I really like trucks-! That's masculine as all hell! Right? Just kidding. Other than camping/hiking/some outdoorsy stuff I grew up doing that were considered "boyish" activities because you have to get a little dirty and a little smelly for, I really did not follow the path of traditional masculinity in what I enjoy on the weekends either. I've mentioned it here and there but I'm an art major. I'm going to be an art teacher (which also is seen as a "feminine" thing because teaching is interacting with children and *gasp* how dare a man be around kids! Oh no!) I love making art. Drawing. Painting. Sculpting. Pottery. Writing. Poetry. Etc. All of which growing up, I could see as disappointing to my father because he expected me to be like my older brother. Who followed exactly in his footsteps, being a car/truck/mechanical, fixer-upper kind of guy. They even went hunting together for years and years (I tried to hunt with my father once my brother moved out, to fill some sort of role my father wanted for me but... quite frankly, I found it boring. And I learned quickly that I will never be as close to my father as my brother is to him, which is fair). Always outside on the weekends fixing our vehicles or improving the house or whatever tinkering they did. I was never interested and because of it, I was called a "mama's boy" a lot. But. Eh. I like art. I've had my guilt about it and gotten over it by now. I find the ability to know what kind of car is passing and what's wrong with said car by the sound of the car alone to just be a weird flex now haha. Sure, I've plenty of thoughts of, oh, I should be that way... why aren't I? here and there but... it came from other people more than myself really. I have never been wired that way. I like art, not cars and tools lol

Friendships - sexuality and masculinity get wrapped up together here again. Most of my friends are somewhere in the rainbow. Most of them are women, cis and trans. I find a lot of women I'm not friends with give my the cold shoulder until they find out I'm in the LGBTQ+ community. Then they get really really friendly, which gave me guilt for two reasons for a while... 1) Because it always makes me re-remember how unsafe a lot of women feel around men through social training or horrible, lived experiences. 2) Because it made me feel just like the "gay best friend" who's looped into being one of her [aforementioned female friend] "girlfriends". I still feel that first one - the way society treats women like helpless, innocent flowers but men like uncontrollable predators ready to attack constantly makes me so angry - but the second one I've been working on. It doesn't make me less of a man to be accepted in with a group of women. Im just being included. It's a little upsetting to be stereotyped in such a way but, usually it's something that they don't mean harm by, y’know? Also, to be contradictory, it's actually nice sometimes. I'm not expected to only have surface level relationship as a lot of straight, cis men are expected to with their other male friends that way. But yeah... friendships are always in progress, you gotta work at them, and I have to work at my relationship with my relationships lol.

Behavior - the main behavior I have that has gotten me ostracized for feminine behavior/body language is talking with my hands. But, I don't care. I never really have. Like, oooh, oh no, I'm not a man because I have visual excitement and passion in my hands, how scary! Whatever. Other than that... I get told quite often to be more "confident" which equates to people telling me to "man up" and "take the bull by the horns" because an unfortunate amount of white men, I don't want into every room like I both built and own it y’know? Also I was a hell of a lot worse at one point in my life because I didn't have any confidence and I say crumpled in on myself because of aforementioned body issues. Posture is important though people, whoever you are, whatever your gender, take care of your fucking spine lol.

All in all though, masculine in traditional ways or not, I still am a man. I still feel masculine. I can't tell you what makes my brain feel like that and I can't change it. And now in life, I'm the most confident and comfortable in that as I've ever been before.

Thank you for the ask! It makes me wonder, why people are interested in me, but, this was fun to think about <3

#asks #this is kinda just me on a plate #thoughts #personal #s' life history #lol

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1990jeevas · 3 years

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Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

#shit self #asks #the get down #mylene cruz #shaolin fantastic #dizzee kipling #long post #analysis #info dump #idk if anon has seen tgd or is just being nice so i tried givinh background to things #kinz #bangerz #discourse

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