#it just hurts too much to read this bullshit and alter it

[myrammmortal]

Part 3

On the night of the concert I put on my black combat boots . Underneath them were ripped black fishnets. Then I put on my black lederhosen (I will put these on every day until the day I die, don't judge me you prep). I brushed my hair and made it look all flat. I felt a little depressed then so I pet Minnie (she's a good girl, fuck you). I read a depressing book because I really wanted to be as depressed as humanly possible while going on a fun outing to really bum everyone out. I put on TONS of black eyeliner. It was pretty much all over my face like a raccoon and a skunk both exploded on my face. I didn’t put on foundation because I have skin anyway. I drank some coffee so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Richard was waiting there in front of his stolen car. He was wearing a soft pink t-shirt, baggy black sweat pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Richard!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Paul Darkness Troglodyte Dementia Landers.” he said back. We walked into his black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and drove to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly while somehow still being as depressed as possible to Marilyn Manson (he's a good friend, he's cool). We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. We smoke all the drugs! Including those that shouldn't be smoked! They taste like chocolate. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to that band we're both unfamiliar with.

'lalalalalalalala pay us please lalalala whatever '(I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Olli is so fucking hot.” I said to Richard, for no particular reason whatsoever. But I remembered he went to the sauna today so it's probably true.

Suddenly Richard looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Richard sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I'm pretty sure he's actually really hot at this point at the sauna. Remember he told us all he was going to go today? I bet his skin is about to melt at that place."

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Richard. After the concert, we drank some beer and did more of those chocolate tasting and smelling drugs. We got GC concert tees because why not. Richard and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Richard didn’t go back to the hotel, instead he drove the car into……………………… a parking lot!

#oh no #i wonder what will happen #why am i doing this to myself? #3 chapters is the max for one day #it just hurts too much to read this bullshit and alter it #rammtisch #my rammmortal #rammstein #fanfic #rammstein fanfic #till lindemann #paul landers #richard kruspe #flake lorenz #christoph schneider #oliver riedel

[msnihilist]

ahh pleaseee share that essay about bevin and gwevin with us 🥲we won't be bored we love those kind of things we would love to read it !

This is mostly just going to be me vomiting up various thoughts, but here we go.

Ben and Gwen, I think, represent Kevin's past and future, respectively. Through UAF, Ben is consistently the one who calls Kevin out on his bullshit — most notably in "In Charm's Way," when Ben and Kevin talk on the beach at the end of the episode...

KEVIN: Where's Gwen?

BEN: Went home. You hurt her pretty bad.

KEVIN: I hurt her? I'm the one who looks like this, and she hasn't done a thing about it.

BEN: You are a giant, rock-faced jerk!

KEVIN: Yeah, whatever.

BEN: Not "whatever." She's spending every spare moment going through every magic book she can find to try and help you. She's been doing it since the accident.

KEVIN: She... She never told me.

BEN: Should she have had to?

...and again when (past) Ben snaps at Ultimate Kevin in "The Forge of Creation."

ULTIMATE KEVIN: I deserve that power. I'm the one who gets turned into a monster. I'm the one nobody ever trusts or cares about!

GWEN: That's not true!

ULTIMATE KEVIN: Face it, Gwen... Whatever I look like, I'm a freak!

YOUNG BEN: You're a jerk. You've always been a jerk. People try to be nice to you, but you can't ever see it. You're too busy feeling sorry for yourself.

Ben is consistently the only character to hold Kevin accountable like this. (Granted, Kevin doesn't have a wide circle of friends, but still.) Gwen and Kevin don't fight much (when they do, Gwen usually leaves the situation), and she tends to be the softer voice, encouraging Kevin and reassuring him. ("You know I don't care what you look like," etc.)

Ben has been calling Kevin out since they were kids, since the day that they met — quickly clocking Kevin as a bad person and saying as much. He continues to do this through the OG, like in "Grudge Match."

MUTATED KEVIN: It's payback time, for turning me into a freak!

BEN (as Diamondhead): You were always a freak, Kevin. It's just now the ugly's also on the outside.

And, later...

MUTATED KEVIN: This is all your fault!

BEN: How can this be my fault?

MUTATED KEVIN: I don't know... It just is!

In this episode, Kevin blames Ben for them getting stuck in the ship. He blames Ben for his mutation. He attacks Ben for going against him even though Ben literally saved both of their lives not a minute before.

Kevin isn't in his right mind, sure, but he continues to display this trait in UAF: refusing to accept accountability.

Nothing is ever his fault — it's always someone else's. Kevin is emotionally immature and he struggles with self-hatred. He lashes out and blames others because if he didn't, he would have to look inside of himself and recognize that maybe something is wrong with him.

And that's a hard thing to do. It's hard for most adults, let alone a child who's struggling with powers he doesn't understand — powers that alter his mental state.

If Kevin is a boat being tossed around in a wild ocean, then Ben is like an anchor. He forces Kevin to look inward and to reflect on his behavior.

... Which is where Gwen comes in.

(Admittedly, I have less to analyze here, since Gwen and Kevin are rather straightforward, comparatively.)

Without Ben around, Gwen and Kevin's relationship would not work. Gwen is reactionary. She was as a child, and she still is as a teenager. Her first instinct when she and Kevin argue isn't to problem-solve, it's to get defensive. Their relationship wouldn't go anywhere with both of their attitudes like that.

Ben gets Gwen away to destress and take her mind off of Kevin. Ben is honest with Kevin in a way that Gwen can't (or won't) be.

He's not a third wheel. He's their counterweight. Their balance.

What does this have to do with past/future?

Well, Kevin spells it out in "Perplexahedron."

KEVIN: I like the Kevin that Gwen sees when she looks at me. And I like that you gave me another chance, even after I messed up all those other ones. I guess I'm saying I owe you guys for changing my life.

He refers to "the Kevin that Gwen sees" — someone he could be. And he thanks Ben for giving him another chance, referencing his past mistakes.

Ben helps Kevin look back and learn from his mistakes. Gwen gives Kevin something to look forward to, and a goal to strive towards.

Gwen and Kevin wouldn't work without Ben, but Ben and Kevin would be shaky without Gwen, too. Gwen is motivation. She's an incentive. She's the light at the end of the tunnel.

Without her, I think Kevin would have a hard time knowing what, exactly, he's trying to work towards. He would have a harder time opening up to Ben.

Ben is the medicine, and Gwen is the spoonful of sugar.

Kevin needs both of them to be the person he's always wanted to be. And they need him, too.

After all, 'Ben and Gwen' by themselves don't look nearly as cool <3

#ben 10 #ben tennyson #gwen tennyson #kevin levin #ask #anonymous #ben 10 discussion #idk what I'm talking about just ignore me :p

[stxr-bxy]

pagan marauders hcs

in this universe paganism/real witchcraft = wizarding world and paganism is actually respected as a religion

most of them are hellenists but there are also roman and norse gods too

james

- works with athena

- he just loves powerful women

- or women in general tbh

- also works with apollon bc he’s the sun

- not super religious but goes to temple every Wednesday to visit the athena alter and on Sundays for the apollon alter

- makes a stupid amount of moon water because he uses it all the time

- no clair or psychic abilities but is very intuitive

- i imagine he got into hellenismos because euphemia is part greek (hence her name)

sirius

- prefers roman mythology over greek but is eclectic/neo pagan

- she works with Dionysius because they’re both drama queens and Venus because she helped him with embracing his femininity and feeling confident

- wears a carnelian necklace all the time bc she’s ✨that girl✨

- when she first quit weed she would smoke lavender because it puts you to sleep without causing highs

- goes to temple with friends to hang out and leave offerings

- had really strict catholic parents but never felt very connected to the church and god never really interacted with him no matter how many times he reached out

- his parents don’t think that being pagan = devil worship but they’re those people that think any god except theirs is a demon trying to hurt ppl

- was one of those tiktok witches for a while but then realized that witchtok is shit for information

remus

- he’s jewish but he’s still a witch so he still counts for this

- burns a lot of sage bundles

- Sirius sometimes goes to temple(jewish) with him so he’s not alone but most of the time he goes with his parents

- was actually smart about his journey and immediately bought books because social media is mostly bullshit

- he’ll sometimes go to his friend’s temple(pagan) with someone (usually sirius) when their other friends aren’t going or are working

- he’s very supportive and does have some idea of what’s going on

- except he keeps asking who some people are like some obscurer gods or mortals from myths

- “who’s selene again?” “for gods sake remus you ask this every time” “sorry. but still who is she” “the moon goddess remus…” “oh yeah”

- claircognizant, he just knows things

peter

- he was raised pagan because his moms are pagan (peter has two moms argue with the wall)

- works with freyja and demeter and goes to temple on thursday and friday for both

- he and marlene go for nature walks when it’s nice out and they sometimes look for crystals when they walk

- one time he found a really big quartz and took it home (he asked first ofc)

- also believes in animism and loves animals

- has a cat named luna (i have a cat named luna so i am projecting)

- clairvoyant, has visions and prophetic dreams

lily

- was raised jewish and even though she went along with it when she was young she didn’t really feel connected to god so she converted to hellenismos when she was 15

- works with persephone and aphrodite (i know they don’t get along but it’s fine because they’re not on the same altar)

- goes to temple on mondays and fridays for persephone and aphrodite

- meditates a lot and likes to make sure her chakras are aligned (i know chakras originate from hinduism but i’m pretty sure they’re an open practice any hindus can correct me in comments or rbs)

- loves rose quartz and opal

- always does her crushes astrology charts to make sure they’re compatible

- one of those girls with lots of incense

- when she was crushing on mary she wore so much rose quartz and carnelian to get her to notice her

- lowkey scared of tarot bc it’s way too accurate, she prefers oracle cards

- wears pentacle necklaces for protection

mary

- works with medusa (because of the hc that mulciber sa’ed her so she likes her story) and aphrodite

- veils on holidays and when she goes to temple

- reads tarot for people as a side hustle

- loves florida water and uses it a lot because she’s latina

- wears her evil eye/nazar a lot

- has a little home guardian statue and it’s a statue of a little cat

- bought her first veil from amazon and it had such a bad energy that she couldn’t cleanse out so she just threw it away

- when she goes to the beach she looks for shells to put on her aphrodite alter

marlene

- works with hekate and persephone

- has always loved the idea of witches since she was a little girl

- her parents were also strict catholics but marlene never believed in god, she knew somewhere deep down that he wasn’t as real to her as her gods

- her parents basically thought that witchcraft was the devil’s work and they never approved of it, they still don’t but now they’re used to it

- meditates during the full moon

- makes devotional playlists for her deities

- has lots of crystals because “i just think they’re neat”

- avoids doing shadow work but then her deities get mad so she reluctantly does some

- one of those girls who has rusty nails and dead bugs just so she can hex your ex

- clairaudient, was always confused by the ringing in her ears and what it meant

regulus

- works with hades and persephone

- loves the myth about them

- his parents raised him catholic but he stopped believing in god pretty quick because his prayers were never answered

- loves it when mary gives him tarot readings

- prefers runes to tarot but still likes tarot

- goes to temple on mondays because of persephone

- he talks with lily and marlene about persephone a lot and celebrate her return together

- his favorite holiday is yule because he loves all of the folklore surrounding it and the trees

- he used to charge his rose quartz in the sun because he didn’t know you couldn’t do that and then the color faded so he stopped doing that

- does lots of shadow work because he’s fucked up in the head

pandora

- a lot of people think she works with gods like iris or aphrodite but she actually works with nyx and hekate

- does scryings for people

- clairsentient, always picks up on other people’s emotions and the vibe of a room

- goes to temple on saturdays for hekate and with reg on mondays because the services include nyx and persephone

- one of those girls who used a spirit/ouija board and then all of witchtok came for her

- very experimental, uses egg shells in hexes and stuff like that

- also works with the fae and leaves them offerings for ostara and litha (and just in general)

- gives people little rocks and crystals she finds

- little kids love her and they always have such a good energy

- makes art of her deities

barty

- italian folk witch and pagan

- always wearing his nazar to protect from il malocchio cause he doesn’t fw that shit

- works with hades and hermes

- he’s half italian on his mom’s side so he got his practice from her

- uses people’s hair in his spells and no one knows where he gets it from

- “barty why the fuck is my hair in your spell jar?” “idk man…” “liar”

- messes around with tarot and runes when he’s bored

- goes to temple on mondays with reg and pandora and wednesdays for hermes

- clairvoyant (to go along with the seer barty hc)

- mabon is his favorite holiday because food

dorcas

- works with selene and hekate

- her and marlene love talking about hekate and honestly they could talk about her all day

- lowkey wanted to work with freyja at one point but she already has enough deities

- veils a lot for spiritual protection, can be as simple as a bandana or her hair braided but she likes regular veils too

- one of those girlies who walks barefoot in the forest

- grows her own herbs in her garden

- selenophilic

- needs to know everyone’s big 3

evan

- not super religious but still a witch

- he mostly does kitchen witchcraft

- he makes simmer pots and uses herbs when cooking

- hangs rosemary over his front door to protect

- has a cinnamon broom

- mops with rosemary water

- can’t meditate for more than ten minutes because he gets distracted or has an itch or something

- forgot to mention he worships luna, solass ( idk how to spell it) , and the mother (moon, sun, and earth)

- avid pentacle wearer

#marauders #dead gay wizards #au #regulus black #jegulus #james potter #lily evans #marlene mckinnon #sirius black #remus lupin #witches of tumblr #pagans of tumblr

[holy-ground-tv]

ALL my thoughts on ttpd in one post:

fortnight is not what i expected at ALL and it's so insane like.. oh my god. this is slut all over again

POST MALONE'S VOCALS ARE SO GOOD IN THIS SONG TOO OH MY GODDD

the same can be said with the title track. it's so weird to me how it's melancholic like this i thought it would be absolutely devastating

she ate with the lyrics on it though "we're two idiots" yes you are bitchessss

my boy only breaks his favorite toys... insane. that's all i have to say

down bad is CRAZYYY like the thing at the beginning goes so hard and it feels like slut but way way more devastating and not happy

"fuck it if i can't have him" hurts me she is so hurt i need to hug her!!!!!!

so long london genuinely might be one of the best songs she has ever written and produced because holy fucking shit

THE BEGINNING?? HER VOCALS?? SO MAGICAL???

and then she just spits out fact after fact like joe is shaking

"you swore that you loved me but where were the clues, i died on the alter waiting for the proof" this line. hurts me. so much. she's so fucking evil i can't i can't i literally CANT

at first i thought 'but daddy i love him' was about joe but apparently it's about matty??? ok then

she is such in denial but i'm proud of her for putting it on the album!!

i forgot what lyric but the one abt him being her whole world broke me (i thought it was abt joe though so...)

i dont rlly have anything to say about fresh out the slammer other than its definitely about joe and him protecting her from the paparazzi and shit and it just makes me sad

FLORIDA IS. CRAZY OH MY GODDDDDDD

ok first of all. the buildup and the chorus is insane

and FLORENCE'S VOCALS??? HELLO???

the bridge kills me too

the first lyric of guilty as sin having blue in it... shut up

who's afraid of little old me is INSANE and BATSHIT and BULLSHIT and crazy and what the absolute fuck

THE VOCALS ATE. THE VOCALS ATE SO SO HARD

AND THE BACKGROUND VOCALS WHAT THE FUCK??? THE "OOOOOOOH OOOOOOOOH"S BEFORE THE CHORUS HELLO???

god this song hurts it's so anti-hero coded i can't

i can fix him is another one of those songs i cant comment on yet bc im still processing it eizosdfhasoihd

loml is so painful

when she said "loss of my life" i was gagged. literally gagged

it's so sad beautiful tragic but cranked up to 10 and i can't take it anymore

I CAN DO IT WITH A BROKEN HEART. THIS IS LIKE. MY FAVORITE SONG ON THE ALBUM. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

THE PRODUCTION??? THE TEMPO?? IT'S SO SO SO SO GOOD AAAAAAAAAA ITS SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT GOES SO HARD WHAT DRUG DID SHE PUT IN THIS SONG

THE CHORUS IS SO ADDICTING

"LIGHTS CAMERA BITCH SMILE". GAGGGGGGGGEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS THE PERFECT SONG. EVER.

the smallest man who ever lived is so savage. she ate

ratty deserves it

thats all

THE ALCHEMY IS SO CUTE!!! UGHHH TRAVIS IS SO GOOD TO HER I CANTTTTTT

i truly don't know how to feel about clara bow like. it's a good song but i genuienly dont know

BUT her saying "you look like taylor swift" gave me goosebumps idk why

ok to be honest overall the bonus songs imo aren't as good as the main album

they're still GOOD but not as good

i don't have much to say about them because i've listened to them but i still need to process them so maybe i can reblog this later with my thoughts abt them but yeah

all i can say is KIM being hidden in thank you aimee gagged me

and the manuscript ate....

this album. is so good. i can't

it's so so so good that's all thank you for reading

#tom talks #ttpd #the tortured poets department #taylor swift

[ultraviolet-cello]

Tristamp rewatch, episode 2! Took me a little longer to get to this because I think episode 2 is like,,,, I never have anything to say about it lmao I don't have too many background details.

Nevertheless, below the cut [Not so long today!] are some theories, details, and character traits I've picked up on today's fine tooth comb rewatch! Also once again spoilers for Tristamp and Trimax.

Once again thanks to @tristampparty for organizing this, I'm having fun :]

So! In sharp contrast with yesterday, I realized that we have a little bit more of Knives in that opening crash sequence - his face is less covered and the camerawork less Vashcentric. I am possibly the worst person to analyze expressions (I have That particular Autism Thing where I often misinterpret people's faces) but here are a few I found interesting

He just looks a little. again not good at interpreting expressions but anxious? scared, a little upset? I'm not entirely sure he understood how,,, violent the ship exploding would be - and Vash is clearly very very distressed. Also the dark circles under his eyes in that last one - he might have been crying. Much to think about.

Okay this scene, aside from being really funny, is Frustratingly Overlooked imo. Vash's whole,,, pathetic wet sona thing is often intentionally played up in order for him to get people to see him as less of a threat/weaker/more peaceful. And then to have Meryl and Roberto go yeah no we aren't buying that, Instantly calling him out on his bullshit is interesting.

I guess just as Wolfwood sees through Vash's smiles in 98/Trimax, Roberto and Meryl call him out on his schtick here. I also think that he's doing it more exaggerated than normal to kind of change the subject/alter some perceptions of him.

Rai-Dei spotted, and Nightow! Slightly higher quality because I realized I was watching in 720p instead of 1080 because I,,,, i don't know why lmao. anyway i like that nightow gets his own little poster its cute

I guess now would be the time to talk about children in Trigun. So as it goes on I'll build on this, but the fact that so many characters in Trigun are motivated by children is very very important to me; Rosa and the people of Jeneora Rock go after Vash not for themselves, but so they can have the money for their children. Father Nebraska appeals to Rosa to help him get Gofsef up on safe land again by pointing out that he's a father too.

A common trait amongst Trigun characters is their protectiveness of children - Wolfwood (obviously), Vash, Meryl, Roberto and Milly clearly, but Knives and Legato leave the children alive in that one town in 98, Livio in Trimax learns to see children as kinda cute - and the arguably most unsympathetic character, Chapel, is kinda the only guy that hurts/abuses children with 0 remorse. Hate that guy lmao.

It reads to me like a bunch of people wanting to break the cycle of abuse on this planet. but they don't really know how :(

On a lighter note, some screencaps I grabbed for fun, ft: The Thomas Loaf

my closing thought is about Roberto. So clearly he's, yknow, there instead of Milly (unforgivable /lh), but he and Milly have some interesting parallels and ideas - Primarily their observational skills.

In trimax, when Milly interacts with Vash, a lot of the time she's calling out strange expressions or oddities on him - in legato's appearance, that time she asks him why he's still smiling, and the arc where Meryl gets kidnapped.

Roberto is serving a similar role in observing and calling things out about Vash, but he's a little more,,, rough about it. He's nowhere near as (outwardly, the man's got a big heart) caring as Milly! I think it'll be good for Meryl to have Milly in s2 :]

Speaking of Meryl, I appreciate that she definitely has at least someone observational with her, especially while she's less experienced. I love her very much but she happens to be a very stubborn very impulsive person lmao. She definitely needs a balancing.

#cli speaks #cli analysis #tristampparty #trigun #trigun stampede

[mathlann]

10 characters | 10 fandoms | 10 a negotiable number of tags

Tagged by @poetikat! Thank you!

1. Selina Kyle/Catwoman- DC. One of my oldest faves, even if I don't talk about her much on here. Something is happening in Gotham City? Is Catwoman going to be there? If not, then I don't care! It's rare that a Batman writer can be normal about her but I'd rather suffer through badly written Selina than no Selina (and God have I suffered).

2. Matilda- The Monk: A Romance. One of the best villains I've read this year, I adored every page she was on! The scheming! The seduction! The audacity! She worked hard for her place in Hell and I hope Satan gave her a promotion!

3. Yennefer of Vengerberg- The Witcher 3. Ever since Geralt showed up Skellige and she gave him those party outfits knowing damn well she wasn't going to like either one of them... I loved her. I immediately got back on the boat to find the right merchant to buy the correct outfit so we could coordinate. Never made the same mistake again.

4. Arthur Morgan- Red Dead Redemption 2. My sweet cowboy! He was awful at crime and riding horses but I kept him clean, fed, and dressed in the finest Cowboy Gucci 1899 money could buy. He rode his white mare off to the Big Train Job in the Sky years ago and I still can't finish the epilogue because I miss him too much.

5. Daeran Arendae- Wrath of the Righteous. Every blessing in his life has turned out to be a curse and he deals with that by being just ....the pettiest asshole. He actively makes my KC a worse person by association but he is never allowed to leave my party. To avoid a dissertation level essay....I just think he's neat!

6. Aloth Corfiser- Pillars of Eternity 1 and 2. My favorite Team Nerd. This elf has never met a crack in the ground too small to dramatically hurt himself on, but also is regularly one of the last ones standing during boss fights. He hates me in Deadfire as of now but his general wizardly wimpiness is so endearing I can't be mad about it.

7. Alicent Hightower- House of the Dragon. Owner of the biggest, saddest eyes in Westeros. She should have been allowed to kill that old man. I wanted her to kill that old man so badly.

8. Maeve Millay- Westworld. Her and Hector altered my brain chemistry for a straight month back in 2021 (their intro! The tent scene!). That show did not do her right because Maeve should've been the special main character android rather than Dolores. The whole narrative ~bullshit~ just makes more sense if it was Maeve. I said it then, I say it now, and I'll be saying it again on my deathbed.

9. Johnny Gat- Saint's Row II. Johnny, my best friend Johnny! He never stops criticizing my Boss's driving but I take him everywhere all the same. Accidentally launched him out the front of a car so bad he didn't come back for what felt like a week. I thought I'd killed him for real and was devastated! Saints Row III is so boring without him.

10. Morrigan- Dragon Age Origins. Still one of my favorite video game character arcs. Platonically. Romantically. To me, she can do no wrong.

If y'all are up to it! Tagging @babeoffrontiers @neocores @feluka @bhaelspawn @gojuo or anyone who wants to!

#tag games #that was so hard omg

[twotiime2]

Reality Adjustment, Pt. 3

[[ Discord RP log to follow. This one is a lot of dialogue, and it just gets domestic from here.

Still features themes of unreality and being unable to trust your own perceptions, now includes a brief hospital scene, mentions of cranial surgery and descriptions that may be uncomfortable to some people, amnesia via medical procedure mishap, mention of mind-altering substances and previous, warned-for scenes.

If anything else pops up and I haven't mentioned it, please let me know for revised tagging purposes. ]]

"Simon, wake up!"

"He's still showing erratic theta activity."

"Apply the stabilizer."

"We can't, another dose could kill him!"

"I think he's regaining cognition function. Alpha is up 42%. Beta too."

"Get him out of that thing! We can't afford to lose our most reliable field test operative to a glitch!"

"There was no glitch, everything's reading properly."

"Like hell, I saw that code spike, Alan!"

"Okay, a small glitch."

"He's normalizing. Still showing massive BCS, though."

"Can we treat it?"

"No. Synaptic pathways were scrambled across several CogSec bands."

"You can do this!"

"I'm picking up increased beta and delta, sir, along a … a secondary waveform?"

"Could be a possession."

"No, these systems are hardlocked, after what happened."

"I think I can inload something through the secondary signal!"

"That's gibberish."

"No, I mean, I think we can use this as a backdoor to upload a regenerative neurovirus!"

"I'm still hearing bullshit, Doug."

"Just a little longer!"

"His heart is starting to give out, sir!"

"What!? Why!?"

"He's entered some kind of hyperdream state."

"That's not possible…"

"Who's on his feed!?"

"Nobody, he isn't even on a line anymore! He stabilized, remember!?"

"Somebody tell me what the hell is going on!"

"Please wake up."

His eyes opened, painfully and with much effort. The light was dim and he was wearing only a white hospital gown. Numerous electrodes were connected to his temples, neck, and chest. He was on an IV drip and his head hurt like hell. Simone, wearing a white t-shirt with black short sleeves, and black jeans, with one black shoe with white laces and one white shoe with black laces, her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, slept in a chair nearby his bed. She looked to be a little older than he expected, without her maid's outfit on. Otome, wearing a black tuxedo t-shirt, a black leather collar with a silver heart loop hanging from the front, and a black goth-doll skirt with numerous buckles and straps hanging from it, slept next to her. Though silent, Invader Zim was playing on the TV in his private hospital room.

- - - -

Simon tried to sit up, groggy and with a massive headache, while taking in his environment. That- what he thought he remembered hearing briefly- seemed familiar… and there was Otome, and apparently Simone as well, though in much more Consensus-appropriate attire. She was still very cute, if he could be honest with himself.

His right arm lifted to try and feel his left shoulder and hand, assess if there had been any real (Real?) damage from those dreams, before he adjusted himself to be properly sitting up, comfortably, in the hospital bed. He didn't end up in the hospital a lot, so it was kind of scary, and also kind of novel. Was the Union watching him right now? Were they going to send in a doctor or nurse now that he was awake? He didn't want to disturb those girls, yet… and hoped Simone was some kind of shapeshifter, or actual spirit, or something, so that she could be a little cat again at some point.

- - - -

There was, indeed, a male nurse - in white, with the Medical Services badge he could barely manage a vague recollection of for the Union's medical staff, on his left breast and right shoulder. He came in carrying a tablet and stylus, wearing a few items in little pouches on his belt. He, too, seemed concerned about disturbing the girls and kept his voice to a loud whisper.

"Welcome back, Mr. Castor. We thought maybe we'd lost you. We've been monitoring your situation from the station outside… you seem to be doing better. Cognitive function seems to be returning to normal, for the most part. Prognosis is good. Do you feel up to a few minor tests?"

- - - -

"Like I haven't heard that before…" he muttered to himself, in response to the 'we thought maybe we'd lost you'. He hadn't, though.

"I- yeah, I guess. Pretty sure my brain's still really fried, though- I don't remember anything but that 90s sim life, or alternate reality, or whatever the fuck it counts as at this point…" Simon ran a hand through his hair, grimacing at his tender scalp. "But- yeah."

- - - -

The nurse nodded and gently removed various things from Simon's person before helping him to his feet. He even had a walker, in case he needed to lean, and it was helpful. He felt like he hadn't been on his feet in a week. This was also when he learned that he was wearing two gowns, one facing the other, so he was covered thoroughly, rather than bare-assed to the world.

The nurse gave a nod to the girls' sleeping spots and said quietly, "You'll be back before she even knows you were gone. This way."

And he led Simon from the room.

- - - -

Singular she. So the nurse couldn't see one of them. That was fine; better off that way, probably. Simon felt so weak, leaning on that walker, but he couldn't deny the utility of its support, and followed the nurse to where they were going without much comment. Had he eaten anything solid in that time?

Probably not. He was probably as weak, physically, as he felt.

- - - -

The tests were pretty basic… follow the light with your eyes, reflex response, hearing test, check for any signs of partial paralysis, basic cognitive function (point to and name the giraffe, count from one to ten and back, etc). It quickly became apparent that he was being checked for any signs of brain damage, stroke, or other related conditions.

Then they ran into the hard questions…. What year is it? Who is the president? What's your mother's name? What's your wife's name? What's your address? Your birthday?

The hard ones.

- - - -

Very hard ones. He based one on the information from his dreams, sparse as it was.

2023? Dunno. Took a minute, he didn't know his mom- Michelle, maybe? He had a wife??? Dunno. June fifth.

He had told the nurse his brain was still fried in 90s juice.

- - - -

Correct. Fair enough. Correct. No, that was part of the test. Fair. Good.

Given that they knew Simon was missing large portions of his memory, he passed with flying colors. He was informed that some of the agents in QDivision were working on a way to bring his brain back up to speed, but that - sadly - any memories he had gained during the incident would remain as if they'd really happened. There wasn't anything more they could do about that (though he did piece together from context that some of the horrifying 'reality-hopping' he'd experienced throughout his 'life' had been the result of numerous psychotropic drugs and emergency processing code used during the incident, that would likely have been interpreted by his brain as radical dream-like departures from the simulation's reality).

He was also informed, with a very gentle 'I'm so sorry, but there's been a complication' tone, that something unexplained about the incident - some quirk of the chemical compounds running through his system, combined with the physical trauma of what he was going through and the circuitry that had been implanted in his cranium prior to their emergency removal (so he had had implants, but didn't anymore) - had somehow caused his right iris to take on a crimson hue that was deeply unnatural looking, and that they'd been unable to correct without a fully cybernetic ocular implant - and they didn't want to put him through any major surgeries right after what happened. Especially since they were still figuring out if the initial error had been the result of the hypercram device or something about his previous cybernetics arrangement interacting with the device in an unexpected way.

Simon was offered a return to his room, a prescription for headache medications and - since the incident had damaged his vision - he'd require glasses or contact lenses from now on… at least until he decided to have the cybersurgery, if he chose to replace the damaged eye and wanted to have both of them replaced.

- - - -

He asked for a mirror to check things out for himself, as the news that he had a naturally bright red eye actually brought a grin to Simon's face. He didn't need any more cybersurgery unless it was to make the other eye BSOD blue. He could handle glasses, given the sim had him using them for most of his life up until this point.

"So… maybe they can get me my native memories back, but otherwise the memories I got from the sleepteaching are permanent. …I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, honestly."

What he did know was that his mind had at least some idea of where he was and what happened, given the initial scenario he woke up in with Otome and Loane and the info he got from their quiet conversation. If any of this was actually happening.

"…You know, they're gonna have to reassign Loane, since I don't know a HIT Mark from a flashy thing anymore."

- - - -

The nurse (or maybe he was a doctor and this was just what MS doctors wore?) checked his tablet for a moment, before saying, "I don't see any loans mentioned for you, agent. You'll have to speak to someone in fiscal for that, I'm afraid."

Interestingly, his natural eye color looked very much like that strong - almost comically so - blue, already.

"I'll put in an inquiry and have someone from there reach out to you, if you like. In the meantime, I'm sure Ms. Otome can bring you up to speed on things like your address and phone number. Just stay at home for a while, no active duty for 30 days, and no reporting in to the office for at least 14 of those, understand? I know you field guys like to stay busy, but your mind needs time to heal and on top of all the psychological trauma, you're also still recovering from a major cranial surgery and cybernetics removal procedure. The fact that you can walk, talk, and know your own name is nothing short of a minor miracle, Mr. Castor."

- - - -

Simon frowned at him not recognizing Agent Loane's presence; that must've been a quirk of some kind, but he still felt the need to ask, "If Loane isn't a name you recognize, do I even have a field partner? …Man."

He shook his head, feeling for the surgical scars or marks that may have been left, with one hand. "I gotta say, a lot of the shit I saw while under was fuckin' weird… Maybe it was just some lady doctor filling Otome in while I was out…"

It didn't explain those fucked up subliminals or the image of Otome as a living blow-up doll, but, well, the Union had a "reasonable" explanation for just about everything, didn't they?

He'd have to keep in mind all of the things he had said to Simone, and thought about during that brief period.

"…Can I get some kind'a manual or something for how cellphones and computers work now?"

- - - -

"I'm sure you'll be able to Google anything like that, as the need arises. YouTube's full of useful stuff, as well, just be careful about scam channels in your feed."

Boy, those were some words.

- - - -

"…Man, I have no idea what you're recommending to me. What happened to Dogpile?"

- - - -

"I don't know of anyone with that code name. Why don't I get you set up with your prescriptions and get you back to your room, so you can get dressed and head on home? Standard Medopticon."

- - - -

Simon frowned harder. "…This is what I meant by needing a goddamn manual. All my info about the internet is a quarter-century out of date."

He grumbled to himself, but relented for the doctor to take him back to the hospital room so that he could dress and go home.

- - - -

He chuckled, "I see what you mean. I'll leave that kind of recuperative therapy to Ms. Otome."

The doctor saw him back to the room, where he found only Otome (Miss Otome?) sleeping in a chair. He was shown where his clothes were, where the bathroom was, and encouraged to take the walker with him, until he felt strong enough to walk and maneuver on his own. He was then left to his own devices and told that the medications and his new glasses (all prescribed based on medical scans) would be waiting for him at the front desk in about fifteen minutes.

After the doctor left the room, a flush came from the restroom and Simone emerged, slicking her hands with sanitizer gel.

When she saw Simon, she lit up and hugged him tightly. "There you are!"

- - - -

Being that he was still in the double-gown and using a walker, Simon was not prepared to hug Simone back- and had actually been a little disappointed when he didn't see her next to Otome, so was relieved when she came out of the bathroom at all. He held her with one hand and tried to take in what she smelled like while she smushed him in a bear hug.

"Hey," he kept his voice low so as not to wake Otome, "…are you real? Or am I talking to a girl only I can see and hear? Be honest with me."

- - - -

She was wearing a smell that mixed …. hand sanitizer… with some kind of light strawberry shampoo and a perfume of some kind - very lightly applied - that smelled a little like candy or cookies or something else edible and sweet. She was about 5'2" to his 6'2", and warm to the touch. She certainly seemed real.

She, too, kept her voice down. "I'm real. Are you real?"

- - - -

He screwed up one side of his mouth at her, skeptical. "The doctor couldn't see you. You came out of the bathroom after he left. That's pretty conspicuous."

Simon held her at arm's length and examined her a little more closely. …Still young, still cute. He reached up and tested a theory by petting her head and then scratching behind her ear like he would have if that kitten were here.

- - - -

She looked confused and blushed a little. "Is… is this… are we… having a moment?"

- - - -

Frownnn. "…No... While I was out, I was hearing your voice while there was this kitten present. She had my eyes and was black and white, kinda like you, so I thought I'd check." He turned from her, shrugging, and hobbled over to his clothes so that he could get dressed in whatever had been given to him, before Otome woke up. He continued talking to Simone, though. "You kept telling me to wake up, and fight them. 'They' were 'in my dreams'." Of course he did air quotes, if only with one hand.

"And then there was the dreamscape where you were a maid on an airship run by a cat."

- - - -

She seemed a little disappointed that they weren't having a moment, but tried - and failed - not to let it show. "Soooo… you dreamed I was a talking cat? And a maid? Or was I a maid with a cat? Or, I guess, a cat wearing a mad suit?"

She blinked as he began to dress, and turned around to face away from him. "So, uh… what about Otome? Do you guys… I mean… did you dream about-- no… do you… do you stroke her ears like that?"

- - - -

He shrugged. "No; Honestly, her whole maid thing kind of weirded me out- she takes it really seriously, and I have no idea what that's about. When she tried to explain it to me, my work partner pulled a gun on the kitten I was holding, so that all kinda went out the window. Didn't really get an explanation, come to think of it."

At least it was casualwear and not his suit. Simon rolled the cuffs of his overlong jeans up to where they were comfortable and out of the way, but when he straightened, he got a little lightheaded and had to hold on to the walker again. Definitely need to eat soon.

"I think it was more like, the cat was symbolic of you or something? And while it was present, I could hear your voice, but it didn't talk per se." He paused to pull a graphic tee-shirt on over his head; he didn't recognize the image on it, but it was probably cool nerd shit regardless. "The airship part was you, with pigtails, in a maid outfit, being a maid for the airship, and the airship captain was a totally different cat. I'm not sure what was up with that, but we had a pretty heavy conversation about heroes and how nobody is gonna do something hard- so if you're inclined to, you gotta do the hard thing, and set the example for everyone else. I had a lot of thoughts about the Union during that conversation."

- - - -

"You uh… have a thing for maids, I think."

She grinned sheepishly. "Was I preeeetty?"

- - - -

The gowns got folded up and placed in whatever counted as a bin for dirty clothing.

"As pretty as you are now. Which is very pretty," he held up a finger with his interjection, tilting it at her slightly for emphasis, "But, you gotta remember, I have no idea what our relationship or anything is right now. You could be my sister, for all I know. So, like, take it easy, maybe?"

Simon was being very flippant about this concept, but, not knowing his relationship to other people was one of the things he hated most about all this reality-hopping.

- - - -

She muttered something under her breath, grumbling about taking it any way she could get it, but it was so soft and quiet, he might not have heard it right.

Otome stirred and woke, looking at the bed, then up at Simon. Her face was one of disbelieving delight and she scrambled to get out of the chair, rushing to hug him very gently. "Simon!! You're awake! You're okay! I knew you'd wake up, I just knew it!"

- - - -

That mumbled comment had his eyebrow raised at her, but when he went to turn around, Otome woke up and caught him with a gentle hug. Simon patted her between her shoulders with one hand, while the other rested on her pink hair.

"I- yeah, sorry, I figured you needed some rest since you were out so hard… Doc's given me the all-clear t'go home, at least? But I'm gonna need prescription glasses again, unless I get my eyes replaced at some point, and I'm not allowed to go in to the office for the next couple weeks. No ops for at least a month, too, even if I do go in. Can't say I'm complaining so far."

- - - -

She grinned and booped his nose very gently, "I like the evil eye. They said you had suffered some kind of retinal damage and it messed up one of your eyes worse than the other, but… I kinda like it. It's very… you." She laid her head on his chest. "You scared me. I thought maybe you'd… I mean, I know you like the cutting edge stuff, but… there's always the risk that you won't come home, you know?"

- - - -

He grinned back, though did feel guilty when she laid against him, letting his grin fade. "I… yeah. Did the docs tell you what to expect…?"

Simon also looked for Simone again, or maybe that kitten, still hoping that he wasn't the only one who could see and interact with her.

- - - -

Simone, whose name he hadn't actually verified yet, was sitting on his hospital bed and playing with the computer thing that monitored him, licking the electrode sucker discs and sticking them to various parts of her forehead and face.

Otome looked up at Simon. "Just that, if you ever woke up, you'd probably be bed ridden for a few days and could have some serious memory loss and some… implanted?…. memories, instead? And that I should take care of you and help you figure things out. They said that you might be stuck in the 90's, in your head. Buuuut…."

She played lightly with his collar as her voice got softer. "… if you're going to be trapped in bed for a few days, I could always… you know… take care of you? I still have that costume… remember the one?"

She absently fidgeted with the metal heart loop on her color.

Behind her, Simone waggled her eyebrows.

- - - -

Simon rolled his eyes at Simone. He did not have a Maid Thing, shut uppppp.

"Well, uh, good news is I'm not bedridden," he began gently, "Bad news is, I definitely do not remember anything about our relationship besides what happened in my crazy dreams." He very carefully extricated her hand from the collar of his shirt. "And I have no idea how my phone or computer work. Because I'm under the impression I was in fact living in the 90s with a totally different life."

Still, he held her hand and her back comfortably. "I also have the feeling that outfit may be service industry oriented, given some of what I dreamt about?"

- - - -

"Well… yes. It's that one maid outfit we got me at Otakon? Wait, you… don't… remember… " She searched his eyes. "Us?"

Simone now had one electrode stuck over each of her closed eyes, seven on her forehead, three on each cheek, one on her chin, and was slurping on the IV's water bag by leaning in to the IV stand with her head tilted up and the line in her mouth, like a gerbil with a sippy cup.

- - - -

If this moment weren't terribly meaningful to Otome, it would have been so dissonant in tone as to make Simon cackle. To his credit, he managed to hide his amused smile at Simone's shenanigans very quickly.

He patted Otome's back and then rubbed it gently. "…No."

"But- while I was out, I woke up in my bedroom a couple different times, and both times you were my really cute and diligent and familiar maid, if that helps at all? I… can guess we were probably in a relationship. Or. Are."

He would let her slip and step away if she needed to.

Simone really acted like a silly kid.

- - - -

Otome swallowed hard and just nodded quietly, letting herself step away. She was doing her best to keep whatever she was feeling under wraps, and was pretty good at it. Simone was slowly pulling things from herself and watching Otome with deep sympathy and sadness in her eyes. She knew exactly how Otome was feeling and how hard it was.

Otome cleared her throat and offered a forced smile. "At least you can teach me how things used to be in the 90's, and I can show you things like Youtube."

- - - -

His eyes held that same amount of sympathy, even if he didn't truly understand either girl's pain. He at least felt really bad for putting them through it, even if he couldn't help it.

"The guys at QDiv are working on a way to get my head caught back up, if it helps… But, yeah- showing me how all the tech works now would be stellar. I think any of my stories would be pretty outdated for you, though."

He rubbed the back of his head, feeling awkward and embarrassed.

- - - -

"Everything about you is outdated right now. Even that red eye. I wore that first, you copycat," popped off Simone, playfully.

Otome, on the other hand, took Simon's hand in hers. "We'll go slow. Until you feel ready… to… find your way back to your life again."

- - - -

Simon pouted at Simone. He didn't even know her when he got his eyes changed to be exactly how he wanted, with the Agency- if that even really happened. He still couldn't be sure. Nobody who wasn't there would be able to corroborate anything that he believed happened… Karl probably would never acknowledge it, and Connor was gone or dead or something, and the Agency didn't exist in this reality at all; he would have to check on HunterNet, at the very least. When he could find it.

Coming back to the possibly-present, Simon rubbed his thumb over Otome's knuckles gently, and he hoped in a way that was comforting for her. He'd have to ask her about Simone's being real when she wasn't still shell-shocked from the realization that he didn't know her at all. "I mean- It'd be great if I could remember," he waved his hand around vaguely, "this! I'd really love to. That's just- I dunno, my egg's all scrambled and overwritten and they've gotta dig through my archived files to try and find a backup of the save that got deleted from my head. But I'm still the same guy, fundamentally, even if I've got different life experience. We… I'm sure it'll be fine."

He didn't do a very good job of sounding convincing.

- - - -

Simone said very softly, hands up as if making a show of backing off, "Sorry, bad time."

Otome visibly tried to take heart from what he said. She really wanted to believe that the worst was over, and that this was a healing process. She took a deep breath and nodded to herself. "One day at a time… two weeks at home might be really good for you. And two more weeks at the office but taking it easy could help, too. Who knows? I can show you how to log in to your private accounts at home. I know at least one of them, you used as a journal. That could help too. And I'll walk you through, like, wifi and different kinds of charge cables and streaming services and stuff. Okay?"

She gripped his hand more tightly. "Let's go home, Simon. There's someone very special who I'm sure has been worried sick about you, and now I get the extremely rare and unique honor of getting to introduce you two to each other for the first time! Not something I ever thought I'd have to do, and it's silly as hell, but… it used to be a very you thing, so…. maybe it'll be good for you. You're the only grown ass man I've ever met who still had an active and ongoing friendship with their imaginary friend."

END SCENE

#ooc #discord rp log #para rp #somewhere in another reality... #ask to tag

[eveenstar]

Oooh okay I loved the dating Masky headcanons......could I possibly ask for dating Tim hcs but with a proxy s/o?

Kinda curious to see how Tim would treat his s/o who is also kinda going through what he's going through....minus having a aggressive, alter ego of course lmao-

Gotcha! This might have gone a bit off of what you requested because my Canon about how proxies behave is slightly different. Hope you like it!

Tim having a s/o who's also a proxy (headcanons)

If you've read my previous headcanons, you know how Masky is. In this one, we'll dig deeper into his real self, Tim.

First off, the way he found you were a proxy probably put his life in danger for that split time. In the first years of being a proxy, one does not maintain their original personality while in that state of mind. So of course, you lashed out at him and nearly smashed his head in the kitchen counter had Tim not managed to overpower you.

Look, we need to keep in mind what he's been through. He probably figures out what's wrong with you as soon as that, and keeps you tied up til you wake up - just for safety. Please don't take it to heart.

Tim's in denial, at first. He confronts you, but would rather put the blame on a very bad case of sleepwalking than admitting what you are (if you don't know by now). It will take him a lot to come around to it.

A relationship with Tim where both of you are proxies is unstable. After that night everything changed, but not his love for you. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean Tim treats you as he used to, because he doesn't.

Like I said, unstable. He doesn't trust you, as much as it hurts both of you, Tim is afraid. A part of him feels like he did this to you, and if you were a proxy long before you met him, you'll have a hard time convincing him of that. No matter what you say, Tim will find a way to put this on him. What if he did it worse by being with you?

Lots of meltdowns and fights. He shuts you out and ends up sleeping in the living room, trying his best to avoid you. You need to be the one to come to him otherwise a break-up is doomed to happen. Tim is not avoiding you because he hates you - he could never bring himself to hate you even if you broke his leg. Tim can't believe you're in this mess with him, that you're suffering from the same bullshit that has been haunting him ever since he could remember - he can't help it; he'll isolate himself from you.

The relationship was probably a bit rocky before so before we go much further, let's take a look at how it was before. Tim is a very anxious guy and has a lot of issues to solve, some who are being worked through with his doctor, and others that...well, you know. It took him a few months to open up to you but once he does, it's worth it. He's a very sweet boy deep down and tries his best to be romantic with you, although he might fail sometimes.

I'll bring up the cliché "hates everyone but you" except that of course he doesn't actually hate everyone. Sarcasm is part of his language and Tim might look very unapproachable because of his dead serious resting face; so all of his contacts are colleagues from work. He thinks they're okay, except a few of course, and deep down he hopes they're okay with him too. If you know his background, you know how much he struggles with making friends.

But despite this, he's such a helpful and kind person if people gave him a chance like you did. He's always ready to help someone, it's amazing. Ask him for anything and he'll try to get it for you, unless it's expensive. But Tim will absolutely make a run to Target at night if you need chocolate or something.

Seriously though, Tim is just trying to get through the week alive and have enough money to help you both survive in this world. He doesn't care about politics or anything else. In his mind, people should be allowed to be themselves and fuck anything else. Tim's tired and the economy is messed up.

A very committed person, so if he let you in this way, it's because he trusts you and the whole you-being-a-proxy situation sorta broke that trust.

Alright, after this brief back to the past adventure, let's put our attention in the present again. At some point you'll "meet" Masky. This happens after you decide to follow your boyfriend in the middle of the night, only to end up at the burnt out hospital. Whatever happened that night is history.

I already said this but I'll re-enforce my point; you need to be the one to come to him if you don't want a break-up, because that's what would happen if Tim goes to you, and he would. No more secrets, just sit down in the living room and tell everything to one another. I'll be honest, it probably ends up in tears and hugs.

Tim is the "as long as I'm here no one can hurt you" type and he takes it to heart. If you have a plan to finish this "curse", he's in it. But Tim will never put your life at risk, he'd rather lose his than yours.

He'll ask you very brief questions about it, things like "How long do you think this has been happening?" will come up, but unless you come forward with more, he'll leave it at that. It's not his business. If you feel comfortable to talk to him about it, Tim is a great listener.

Maybe I exaggerated a little. Tim never knows what to say when people vent to him, and he often tries to avoid that if possible. It's not personal, it's somewhat awkward to him. But for you? For you he'd do it, of course. He knows what it's like and Tim would never let you stay in the dark by yourself.

Not that it helps much, but Tim offers to burn your "proxy state" outfit. You'll both watch the flames burn in silence as his hand quietly reaches out for yours.

Speaking of your proxy state again, there's a chance Tim will fight you a few times. He doesn't want to lose you, he believes trying to restrain you until you come back to him will make things easier. With that said, he will absolutely look for you if you disappear for long periods of time. And he won't give up until he does.

You both probably struggle a lot with keeping up jobs and sometimes it takes a toll on him. You know it; if not by the breakdowns, by the way his hands twitch or his constant pacing around.

Tim offers to set you up with a therapist, or someone to help you out like he has his. I hope you don't take this to offense, but you most likely have other problems and Tim is genuinely trying to help you out.

On cold Friday nights, you two will end up by the couch telling stories to one another and forget everything else. You'll hear a lot of fond stories of his dear ol' best friend Brian and you'll see the way Tim's eyes lit up whenever he recalls something they did. It's enough to make one's heart ache, he really misses him.

If you're going through a particular bad time yourself, and you most likely will, Tim will offer to play something for you. He still has some of his old musical instruments, even though he hasn't touched them in ages. It's a good way to keep your mind at ease - especially because he fails notes on purpose, just to make you laugh!

Rewinding a bit with what I said; after the reveal, the relationship you both hold will be a challenge, but with time it will improve and make the both of you stronger. It will take a lot of patience and perseverance, so I hope you're ready for it.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

I seriously need to do a full post explaining my canon lol its been in my head for days now

#masky x reader #masky headcanons #masky marble hornets #tim wright #creepypasta headcanons #creepypasta x reader #marble hornets x reader

[thedawningofthehour]

Something I just realized in the latest chapter was Leo mentioning that Donnie used to self harm? Does Draxum or Galois know/remember this? Like, did Draxum figure this out while holding Donnie captive and was like 'yup, definitely made the right decision to chain him down!' and would those memories also be adapted for Galois or did Draxum just completely erase them? Or, and this is the most likely possibility, am I reading WAY too much into this?

I wouldn't say you're reading too much into it, I just intended it to be more backstory than an immediate and prevalent theme. :P Donnie's self-harm wasn't as...I don't want to say 'as serious' as what a lot of us probably picture when we hear the phrase self-harm, because it's all serious, but it wasn't super destructive. Think a lot of scratching his arms raw, biting down on himself, grabbing hot things, etc. They were younger too, this would have been a few years before the fic begins. And honestly, it was partly autistic sensory bullshit too, I know I don't explicitly say that Donnie is autistic in the fic but he canonically is. Some of it probably started out as stimming. Leo figured it was just one of Donnie's Things at the time, but over the years and as Donnie confided in him more about his anxiety and some of his feelings that sure fit the depression symptoms on WebMD, Leo started to put the puzzle pieces together.

I'm trying to decide what I can say about the memory spell without it being a spoiler. Draxum didn't need to actively alter every memory of his-I mean, there were a few that he wanted to explicitly lay out, but for the most part he gave Donnie a set of rules and his brain rewrote itself to comply with them. He told him that Draxum was his father and that he grew up in his weird mushroom house, so that's what Galois remembers. He recalls sitting with his dad drinking tea in the kitchen? He totally does-in Draxum's kitchen, with Draxum, because that's his father and that's where he lives. He wasn't able to refute these rules but his memory contradicted them, so his brain altered his memories to make it make sense. Obviously not perfectly-so that memory of drinking tea with Draxum, Galois might remember his dad singing in Japanese-which would confuse him, because Draxum doesn't speak Japanese. (he's capable of speaking Japanese, but he has no reason to speak it conversationally at home) But even the act of questioning his memories makes him uncomfortable and eager to stop and think about something else. He's quick to blame something like seeing it on TV and getting confused, or if he pushes it enough his brain will just get rid of that tidbit because it doesn't comply with the ruleset. Less so now so long after Hypno's spell has worn off, but he will do shit like that before he ever questions the validity of his memories.

But as far as this has to do with your question, uhhhhhh...yeah, he probably sort of remembers it. But like I said, it was never a super big deal to Donnie-he got used to the pain and he never got hurt hurt, so he didn't really realize what he was doing until Leo told Splinter and Splinter got upset about it. That's actually one of the areas Galois probably feels some disconnect-Splinter, I imagine he would have been visibly upset, maybe even a few tears, being very forthright about how much it hurt to see Donnie do that to himself, but also very tender and loving when talking to him about it. Just very bare-faced emotions. Draxum...doesn't do that. He's not a 'hug and cuddle it out' kind of dad, he doesn't cry in front of people, the only 'strong' emotion he feels comfortable displaying is anger. He'd be upset, of course, but he'd consider his distress to be getting in the way of 'properly' dealing with the problem and would excuse himself until he could get his emotions under control. He'd probably sit Galois down with some internet printouts from mental health websites and do a whole debate-style argument on why it needed to stop. But like I said, Galois doesn't think about it that much, and if he did he'd probably just think it was Huginn and Muninn who got upset or something and he was just remembering it weird.

I mean, let's be real, Donnie started saying right away that he had no expectations of walking out of there. The Table was an awful thing to do to someone but it was probably the smartest thing Draxy could have done. He knew Donnie was smart enough that he'd figure out how to get himself out of a cage or any more conventional restraints-maybe he wouldn't be able to free himself, but he could do enough. Donnie started threatening suicide and it just reassured Draxum that he'd made the right decision.

#...i didn't think i had this much to say sorry #doth #doth asks #donatello #baron draxum #splinter #leonardo #i actually don't think i've tagged splinter yet #i am terrible at remembering to tag things

[fan-mans]

I’m curious, do you got any glass Joe headcanons?

Oh my god I have so so many- I love him so much so this'll be another long one lmao

So, since the wvba sucks ass at actually keeping their records straight, Joe's height is wrong! He's actually 5'8, passing as 5'10 only because he wears hidden heels all the time. Joe doesn't even have height dysphoria, he just like the way heels feel on his feet.

He has pretty severe dyscalculia, to the point of barely being able to pass 5th grade level math. Can't do fractions, can't do decimals, certainly can't divide. He often wonders how he even got through middle school.

Despite his disability, he's an excellent baker and cook! His side job is at a cafe which he loves to bits.

Never finished school. He was expelled at 13 for getting in a nasty fight and biting another girl at his religious school before dropping out to help support his family after his mother lost her job. He often wonders what his life would be like had he stayed in school but doesn't regret it since the job he got at a cafe led to his boxing career and helped his baking skills. It also led to him meeting one of his best friends, Gabby Jay! (I will expand if someone asks)

True to being both french and especially a Parisian, he will not put up with corporate/government bullshit. If you pull out a stupid rule for him to follow- expect a brick (Or perhaps a Molotov cocktail or lit flare if he's angry enough) through your window.

Despite his sweet exterior he's not only an absolute weirdo and kind of a freak (At least by his very strict standards), but capable of being terrifying in the right circumstances. He WILL bite you if you hurt his friends/loved ones.

Repressed as hell- catholic school was NOT kind to him. Also has anxiety like a motherfucker. But he's dealing with both pretty well through therapy and medication.

Has a deep love for goth, Victorian, and generally macabre and dark aesthetics. He hides it out of shame but he has a collection of very goth and edgy clothes that make him feel like a vampire.

He has an obsession with vampires in general. Like, he took one look at Bela Lugosi's Dracula and fell head over heels (Both for vampires and Bela). He frequently watches any vampire movies and absolutely swallows up vampire novels. Adores the flexibility of the lore around vampires and them just as a concept. And yes, he has read the entire twilight saga. He thought it was pretty bland and only liked the first book because of Jacob.

Knows how to fence and is pretty good at it! Originally wanted to be a fencer growing up to honor his dad but dropped the idea when he left school. He still practices for fun and does non-professional competitions under the name "Le bras en fer" or "The iron arm"

Grew up doing ballet and still practices today, though only at home for fun so he isn't as skilled as he was when he was a kid. It's part of the reason why he stands so funny too.

Has a restraining order against nick bruiser. Nick... well he really didn't take his loss well.

Can sew pretty well and do embroidery too. Almost all of his clothes have been altered by him to fit better.

He has a sister 3 years his senior and a niece and nephew- Amelie (5) and Etienne (1), both of whom he loves very much. The three visit him often and he loves hosting them at his apartment!

Grew up in a small, crowded, apartment in the center of paris. He loves new york city quite a bit because it's so much like home.

Drives around in a moped or motorbike exclusively. He kind of hates cars except when they're extremely small. American streets make him so anxious and being in a car doesn't help at all.

He never met his dad. Everyone in his family has their own idea of what happened to him but Joe has an entire conspiracy theory and fully believes his father was murdered, knows who murdered him, and where the body is hidden.

His 'glass jaw' is the result of a severe childhood injury by the other girls at his school. He was hospitalized for days and his mother never fully forgave herself for not noticing how severe his bullying was.

Has the sweetest, dumbest, fluffiest gray cat named Chouchou.

#glass joe #I love him so much #baugette man is so wonderful #I'm a sucker for gingers lmao #punch out #punch out wii #headcanons #ask game #my hcs

[chaosdisorganized]

Idk if you saw my tags in the last post but damn fuck the education system and the pressure to pass and do well in school. Like my parents took school so seriously I'd get beat for getting any grade below a C. That's fucking crazy, it's crazy that my parents thought the best way to get me to make better grades was terrifying me so much I was too scared to fail. And when I'd cry after getting a bad report card from teachers or something they thought I was just trying to guilt them and would tell me stuff like it's all my fault and shit. Like no bitch I'm crying because my parents are going to hurt me for this. I stopped making bad grades after freshmen year because I got really good at cheating and bullshitting but then I became less worried about actually learning the material and more worried about getting all my work done. I didn't read a single assigned English book, I got all A's in English. I didn't learn anything in AP Biology, I got A's and B's. I have no idea how I ended up in CCP pre calculus senior year but I passed, I suck at math bro. And its not like I didn't have any help obviously because of the trauma associated with it I ended up with alters who's purpose was to do a bunch of school work at once and I also had a 504 plan which helped a lot and I still turned in a bunch of assignments late but my 504 covered that as long as I told the teacher I needed more time. But damn that was rough. Fuck school and the education system and the pressure to do well. I ended up in Honors and CCP and AP classes when I suddenly stopped failing and actually started getting good grades and damn fuck those kinds of classes too, they give way too much work to poor high schoolers. I remember how much shit I had to do in those classes and when you take multiple at a time it's just a lot. I tried college twice now and I actually think college assigns less work than those damn classes. Anyways sorry for the rant vent thing I'm really stoned.

#lmao you can just ignore me #rant #vent #tw physical abuse #school trauma #fuck school bro #that shit was crazy #college sucks too but in different ways #tw parental abuse

[charmspoint]

what did u think abt talentless nana chapter 78.

Thank you for reminding me to look for it 👀, since you sent a message I'll just do my impressions here!

I love Kyouya so much he's just out there enjoying life. It's just somehow really endearing to see he was like a productive member of society after we watched him mostly play sherlock and struggle to make friends. Knowing he's probably well over 20 in the current timeline puts a weird spin on him entering as a high schooler but also like...it's Kyouya of course he would just single mindedly use his immortality to infiltrate a high school and look for a sister he barely remembers.

Also I think we can summarize from this that Kyouya's invulnerability also protects him from alcohol lmaoooo

This is just a real nice shot of Kyouya lets appreciate it for a second.

The way my heart clenched.

They are too damn alike ;-; hiding their pain from each other because they want to protect the other ;-; I mean there's really no other solution here, Kyouya is doing his best because nobody else is able to do it, but also i understand how the knowledge that he might be suffering for her is weighing heavy on Rin along with her sickness.

Tiny shocked Rin for your tiny shocked Rin needs

KYOUYA IM GOING TO PUT YOU IN A BLENDER

The art of Rin in this chapter is heartbreaking.

FUCKING SCREAMING AND CRYING

I am on the fucking ground I didn't think we'd be dealing with the topic of suicide in these chapters but god, Rin wanting to die and knowing the only thing keeping her alive is the fact that Kyouya would grieve her and have to bury her and instead of trying to live for him, devising a plan to alter his journals so eventually the price for his talent would erase her from his memories completely. She feelsl this is a kindness, because Kyouya is struggling so hard, working so hard for her and she's in pain and she's sick and she feels like she's horribly burdening and torturing the only person who she cares about. She knows she's hurting and confusing him with her actions, taking things away from him, things he cherishes greatly, but still proceeds on anyway because she is convinced that is the best she can do.

IM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT

This is not fucking okay

THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY IM LITERALLY CRYING

RIN IS CATBOY JIN I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I SWEAR TO MOTHERFUCKING GOD LOOK AT THIS LOOK AT THIS RIGHT HERE IVE BEEN SAYING SINCE THE FUCKING BEGINING KYOUYAS SISTER IS CATBOY JIN AND HERE YOU FUCKING HAVE IT (not canon yet) I WANT TO DISSAPEAR AND BECOME SOMEONE ELSE WHAT ELSE COULD THAT MEAN CMON CMON CMON

I have more thoughts on this but will make a separate post but GOD THIS CHAPTER WAS HEARTBREAKING WHAT THE FUCK, Talentless Nana really doesn't fuck around when it comes to angst and this was just so hard and emotional to read. Rin's feelings accompanied by Kyouya's expressions as he slowly lost all memory of his sister BY HER DESIGN, the pain and the struggle that brought him and her, even though she was doing it do make sure he could live without her acting as a burden, without slowing him down and preventing him from achieving her dreams. Her asking her 'who are you?' signifying she managed to do what she had intended that she could now disappear without her brother suffering just utterly broke me. This is some of the best and most interesting sibling dynamics that ive read in manga in a good while and its utterly breaking me.

Stay tuned for conspiracy theory bullshit in a sec

#ali-dina #answered #talentless nana #long post #talentless nana has no business being this good

[usaigi]

Marc & Dad

Lunar sys au character cards | Read all chapters on ao3

CW: internalized ableism (oh hi marc)

They waited a couple of days before doing anything. Marc even texted his therapist for this time, outside of session, asking to talk about this at their next session. By the end of the session, Steven, Jake, and himself agreed that Jake would (slowly) explain their past to Birdy, starting with the truth about their mom, work up to the truth about their dad. 

Marc thinks back to Steven, how his heart shattered like glass when he found out the truth about their mother. Maybe it’d be easier with Birdy–she has a support system after all. A system, a therapist, and Layla. 

Or maybe not–it isn’t as easy to hate their dad like it was their mom. His dad never raised his hand, never raised his voice. That was the problem, wasn’t it? How he prayed day and night that his dad would, just once, raise his voice for his sake. 

Ugh, maybe it would have been easier if everyone had been in the asylum afterlife with them, speed run right through the trauma to catch everyone up. Marc keeps that thought to himself, he can just imagine Steven scolding him with, ‘no Marc, that experience was very traumatic and we should be glad the younger parts did not have to experience it.’

His therapist's words echo in his head as he stares at the number, each digit flashing over and over in his mind. “Communication with alters has to come from a place of compassion and gratitude, it cannot be from a place of resentment. Birdy’s actions did hurt you and you’re allowed to be frustrated but it’s very likely that her motives were to alleviate the pain. There is a part of you that cannot move on from the trauma you experienced in your adolescence. Maybe you can, maybe your pathway to healing requires cutting all contact with your father. But maybe that’s not what Birdy needs, so you’ll have to negotiate that with her.”   

Marc sat with that for a bit. Negotiate with Birdy… He dials the number. 

Ring-ring-click. 

“Hey Birdy, how are–”

“It’s Marc,” he says right away. 

“Marc…?” his dad croaks. 

“I found the messages.”

“Oh.”

“So. What do you think about this?” 

“Do you mean what I think about your disorder? I feel terrible, all the pain and suffering I let happen, and like I owe you a million ap–”

“Cut the bullshit. You think I’m crazy, right? I’m still a pathological liar an–” 

“Of course not, Marc. I’ve never thought that. I know I’m responsible, I know that I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I am really sorry for going behind your back, I knew it was wrong to get between you and Birdy but I couldn’t just ignore her. I’m still processing everything but… she’s my kid too.” 

“So open minded…” Marc scoffs, listening to all the bullshit spilling out of his mouth. 

“I won’t lie, it was quite a shock. When she told me that she wasn’t the real ‘Marc’ I didn’t know what to make of it. And then slowly it all clicked. Even just speaking with you over the phone, I see how different you two are.

“When she first started calling, before she told me, I thought it was a bit odd that you acted so…young. You acted exactly how I remember you, as if no time had passed.”

“Yeah well, a lot of time has passed. And I’m certainly not the same.”

“I know. And the fact that so much time has passed has been my greatest regret. But I know you had to keep your distance to be safe. I’m glad that you escaped.”

“So what, you have Birdy and you get to pick up right where I left off? She’s around the same age as I was when I left home so it works out great, right?” Deep breaths, Spector. Don’t let your anger show. 

“Of course not. I can’t change the past, no matter how much I wish I could. When… she … died, I realized how much of my life I’ve lived in fear. Really says something when the first emotion I felt when she passed was relief instead of sadness. I was a coward and no matter how many times you tried to tell me it fell on deaf ears. There is nothing I wish more than for us to reconnect, all of you, but I will respect your boundaries. I just ask… if you wish to cut contact again, can you let me say goodbye?” His dad has always been a doormat; a bleeding heart fool.  

Marc sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, “What exactly did Birdy tell you?”

“Shouldn’t… you ask her?”

“I don’t want to fight. Can you please just tell me?” She was bound to tell Jake eventually, who would tell Steven who would tell Marc would then tell Layla, and somewhere along the way everyone else would find out. The classic lunar system gossip train. 

“She calls me sporadically a couple of times, just asking about how I’ve been and how I’m doing. Then, she asked me if I’d heard of dissociative identity disorder or multiple personalities. Send me some books to read. Thought it was an odd request but I humored it.

"On the fifth call or so she broke down crying, she’s saying she wasn’t ‘Marc’ and her name is ‘Birdy’ and she’s fake and not my real son but she remembers me sitting by her side at the hospital. How the ‘real Marc’ refuses to talk to her about it and she feels so isolated because even her best friend won’t explain.”

“I’m not the real Marc either…” The real Marc died in that cave years ago, holding his brother’s hand. 

“I um… starting seeing a proper therapist. I was seeing a grief counselor but it seemed like the right call. We talk about you. And…taking accountability for what happened. Coming to terms with the fact that in trying to be a pacifist I was actually an enabler. To abstain from violence is a form of violence. I share the blame with her; I hurt you too, I tra-” his voice breaks. Marc hears from crackling in the background before his dad composes himself. “ I traumatized you too. I know my actions aren’t forgivable but… I can’t move on if I’m living in shame. Been processing all of that in therapy.”

“Why now? I don’t need you now, I’ve built my own life without you just fine. I need you back then, why couldn’t you have come to that realization then? When it did matter. You had so many opportunities to change and help us and you didn’t.” Marc doesn’t even feel the tears until they fall down his cheek. 

“I know… And I’m sorry. I don’t have any excuse that will excuse the pain I caused you. I was scared and in denial and– I’m sorry. No words will ever express how heavy my shame is. But that’s not important, you were a child and I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.”

‘You didn’t,’ he wants to say. But he closes his eyes, thinking back to when he was younger, and how badly he wanted to hear those words come out of his dad's mouth. 

“Birdy told you about herself and the DID, what else did she say?” Marc asks, calmer than before. 

“Not much. She says that Jake shelters her a lot. Mostly just about herself and how she’s doing. She did tell me about all the different alters. Aside from the new one, the business one? She can’t say his name. She said I've probably already met you all already.”

“Aren’t you… scared of us? You’ve seen the movies, aren’t you worried that we have some kind of evil alt–”

“You are my son, you don’t scare me.” That phrase sounds so familiar, sending him back to a darker time. But the tone, the delivery of his father’s voice is completely different; sounding self-assured, confident. 

“So… what now?” Marc asks, after a moment of silence. 

“It’s up to you and your system.” Negotiate with your alters.  

“You’ve been reading, huh? Using all the correct terminology and all that crap.” 

“Birdy says you haven’t. It’s mostly just her and Steven…”

“We have different hobbies.” From reading French poetry to Animal Crossing to protecting the world, different hobbies may be a bit an understatement. “I’ll talk to them. That doesn’t mean you are forgiven but if Birdy was so adamant to talk to you I guess that means some part of me wants it. Steven has been wanting to meet you too… and I’m sure Kid too.  If I can convince Jake and Daniela then I’ll let you know. And Layla too.”

“Thank you.” Stopping for a bit before asking, “Layla…is another part?”

“No, no, she’s my wife. She won’t be happy with me if I take another spontaneous trip to Chicago without talking to her first,” Marc explains, although he doubts his dad will even understand the reference. “And I haven’t agreed to anything yet. We can always say no, you understand that?”

“Yes, of course. I will accept any conditions you and your system set.” 

“You… won’t think it’s…weird? If you meet the others in person… It's a lot easier to pretend Birdy is Birdy over chat or even over the phone but we still… share a body. It’s… embarrassing.”

“Accepting who you are is my own responsibility not your burden. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide who you are from me anymore. I’m really sorry I ever made you feel unsafe to be yourself.”

“I’ll…let you know,” Marc finally says, voice trailing off. 

“I love you Marc. I didn’t say that enough to you growing up but I do.” His dad states, the voices endless bouncing around his head. “You don’t need to say it back” 

“Bye dad.”

#moon knight #marc spector #steven grant #jake lockley #marvel #usaigi speaks #layla el faouly #mk lunar sys #lunar sys & dad arc

[soloorganaas]

Hello my love 🌎 and 📚 PLEASE 🙏🏾🙏🏾

omg yes yes

🌍 What is your dream AU?

i have so many but i got this ask twice so here is the first:

so a looooooong long ass MWPP era through first war fic. the first part of which digs deep into why and how sirius and remus got together wrt the healing they give each other but how unstable their relationship can be bc of their own many faults, unhealed traumas, the unrecognised power dif etc. i'd love to see them slowly start to work that out as well as they hit sixth and seventh year. all the while not ignoring how central james is to sirius, and also to the way his relationship with remus develops

and THEN i want to see how all this growth and development drives their decisions to join the order. what their options were, did they have doubts, what did they know about the war, where did they think it was going. then once they're in it how did this put pressure on their relationships, how did it bring out the best and worst in them

BUT. omg but. i want to see at least one (1) fucking adult intervene or even just be PART of this bc its an insane, huge, life-altering thing happening but somehow none of their parents are involved in any way. they're 18!! and that doesnt ofc mean they listen to even some of what their parents say, but i want to see that dynamic in place. the potters and james were so close. remus and his parents were close. sirius's entire family were on the other side of the war. none of them were acting in this alone

and then from this, i want to see someone older who cares about them give them even one ounce of perspective. and this goes x10000 for sirius and remus. bc the thing that hurts me the most is that they never got a chance to fully unlearn and heal from all the childhood bullshit that stopped them from ever having a stable relationship which then led to the whole betrayal tragedy in the first place. i want them to have older parents or family or guardians or anyone have some kind of insights into whats happening to them, even if only occasionally, even if they dont want to listen. but i want to see something interrupt the cycle of doom - of the idea that the could never possibly work out bc their relationship was imperfect, bc they had too much baggage, bc there was a war. i want them to be actually able to GENUINELY wrestle with those difficulties not just an inevitable miscommunication and falling apart. and maybe it still doesnt work out at all - maybe not then but later, maybe not ever - but i want to see a first war era where they are not just three kids left ENTIRELY by themselves bc theres so many reasons it doesnt need to be that way. it could actually be so much deeper if it was told just a little differently

wow that was long

📚 What’s the longest fic you’ve read in one sitting?

it was blue skies which is a star wars WW2 AU where RAF pilot poe and HRH navigator luke are paired up (with the ages adjusted obvs so its like a 10 year age gap). its set in the midst of war and its so real and gritty and all the other characters are amazing. and it is so so steeped in british-isms it literally transported me home. i sat up all night reading it drinking cups of tea. one of my fave fics of all time

#asks #if there is an AU like this that exists lmk #bc i'll read it

[fozmeadows]

race & culture in fandom

For the past decade, English language fanwriting culture post the days of LiveJournal and Strikethrough has been hugely shaped by a handful of megafandoms that exploded across AO3 and tumblr – I’m talking Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Dr Who, the MCU, Harry Potter, Star Wars, BBC Sherlock – which have all been overwhelmingly white. I don’t mean in terms of the fans themselves, although whiteness also figures prominently in said fandoms: I mean that the source materials themselves feature very few POC, and the ones who are there tended to be done dirty by the creators.

Periodically, this has led POC in fandom to point out, extremely reasonably, that even where non-white characters do get central roles in various media properties, they’re often overlooked by fandom at large, such that the popular focus stays primarily on the white characters. Sometimes this happened (it was argued) because the POC characters were secondary to begin with and as such attracted less fan devotion (although this has never stopped fandoms from picking a random white gremlin from the background cast and elevating them to the status of Fave); at other times, however, there has been a clear trend of sidelining POC leads in favour of white alternatives (as per Finn, Poe and Rose Tico being edged out in Star Wars shipping by Hux, Kylo and Rey). I mention this, not to demonize individuals whose preferred ships happen to involve white characters, but to point out the collective impact these trends can have on POC in fandom spaces: it’s not bad to ship what you ship, but that doesn’t mean there’s no utility in analysing what’s popular and why through a racial lens.

All this being so, it feels increasingly salient that fanwriting culture as exists right now developed under the influence and in the shadow of these white-dominated fandoms – specifically, the taboo against criticizing or critiquing fics for any reason. Certainly, there’s a hell of a lot of value to Don’t Like, Don’t Read as a general policy, especially when it comes to the darker, kinkier side of ficwriting, and whether the context is professional or recreational, offering someone direct, unsolicited feedback on their writing style is a dick move. But on the flipside, the anti-criticism culture in fanwriting has consistently worked against fans of colour who speak out about racist tropes, fan ignorance and hurtful portrayals of living cultures. Voicing anything negative about works created for free is seen as violating a core rule of ficwriting culture – but as that culture has been foundationally shaped by white fandoms, white characters and, overwhelmingly, white ideas about what’s allowed and what isn’t, we ought to consider that all critical contexts are not created equal.

Right now, the rise of C-drama (and K-drama, and J-drama) fandoms is seeing a surge of white creators – myself included – writing fics for fandoms in which no white people exist, and where the cultural context which informs the canon is different to western norms. Which isn’t to say that no popular fandoms focused on POC have existed before now – K-pop RPF and anime fandoms, for example, have been big for a while. But with the success of The Untamed, more western fans are investing in stories whose plots, references, characterization and settings are so fundamentally rooted in real Chinese history and living Chinese culture that it’s not really possible to write around it. And yet, inevitably, too many in fandom are trying to do just that, treating respect for Chinese culture or an attempt to understand it as optional extras – because surely, fandom shouldn’t feel like work. If you’re writing something for free, on your own time, for your own pleasure, why should anyone else get to demand that you research the subject matter first?

Because it matters, is the short answer. Because race and culture are not made-up things like lightsabers and werewolves that you can alter, mock or misunderstand without the risk of hurting or marginalizing actual real people – and because, quite frankly, we already know that fandom is capable of drawing lines in the sand where it chooses. When Brony culture first reared its head (hah), the online fandom for My Little Pony – which, like the other fandoms we’re discussing here, is overwhelmingly female – was initially welcoming. It felt like progress, that so many straight men could identify with such a feminine show; a potential sign that maybe, we were finally leaving the era of mainstream hypermasculine fandom bullshit behind, at least in this one arena. And then, in pretty much the blink of an eye, things got overwhelmingly bad. Artists drawing hardcorn porn didn’t tag their works as adult, leading to those images flooding the public search results for a children’s show. Women were edged out of their own spaces. Bronies got aggressive, posting harsh, ugly criticism of artists whose gijinka interpretations of the Mane Six as humans were deemed insufficiently fuckable.

The resulting fandom conflict was deeply unpleasant, but in the end, the verdict was laid down loud and clear: if you cannot comport yourself like a decent fucking person – if your base mode of engagement within a fandom is to coopt it from the original audience and declare it newly cool only because you’re into it now; if you do not, at the very least, attempt to understand and respect the original context so as to engage appropriately (in this case, by acknowledging that the media you’re consuming was foundational to many women who were there before you and is still consumed by minors, and tagging your goddamn porn) – then the rest of fandom will treat you like a social biohazard, and rightly so.

Here’s the thing, fellow white people: when it comes to C-drama fandoms and other non-white, non-western properties? We are the Bronies.

Not, I hasten to add, in terms of toxic fuckery – though if we don’t get our collective shit together, I’m not taking that darkest timeline off the table. What I mean is that, by virtue of the whiteminding which, both consciously and unconsciously, has shaped current fan culture, particularly in terms of ficwriting conventions, we’re collectively acting as though we’re the primary audience for narratives that weren’t actually made with us in mind, being hostile dicks to Chinese and Chinese diaspora fans when they take the time to point out what we’re getting wrong. We’re bristling because we’ve conceived of ficwriting as a place wherein No Criticism Occurs without questioning how this culture, while valuable in some respects, also serves to uphold, excuse and perpetuate microaggresions and other forms of racism, lashing out or falling back on passive aggression when POC, quite understandably, talk about how they’re sick and tired of our bullshit.

An analogy: one of the most helpful and important tags on AO3 is the one for homophobia, not just because it allows readers to brace for or opt out of reading content they might find distressing, but because it lets the reader know that the writer knows what homophobia is, and is employing it deliberately. When this concept is tagged, I – like many others – often feel more able to read about it than I do when it crops up in untagged works of commercial fiction, film or TV, because I don’t have to worry that the author thinks what they’re depicting is okay. I can say definitively, “yes, the author knows this is messed up, but has elected to tell a messed up story, a fact that will be obvious to anyone who reads this,” instead of worrying that someone will see a fucked up story blind and think “oh, I guess that’s fine.” The contextual framing matters, is the point – which is why it’s so jarring and unpleasant on those rare occasions when I do stumble on a fic whose author has legitimately mistaken homophobic microaggressions for cute banter. This is why, in a ficwriting culture that otherwise aggressively dislikes criticism, the request to tag for a certain thing – while still sometimes fraught – is generally permitted: it helps everyone to have a good time and to curate their fan experience appropriately.

But when white and/or western fans fail to educate ourselves about race, culture and the history of other countries and proceed to deploy that ignorance in our writing, we’re not tagging for racism as a thing we’ve explored deliberately; we’re just being ignorant at best and hateful at worst, which means fans of colour don’t know to avoid or brace for the content of those works until they get hit in the face with microaggresions and/or outright racism. Instead, the burden is placed on them to navigate a minefield not of their creation: which fans can be trusted to write respectfully? Who, if they make an error, will listen and apologise if the error is explained? Who, if lived experience, personal translations or cultural insights are shared, can be counted on to acknowledge those contributions rather than taking sole credit? Too often, fans of colour are being made to feel like guests in their own house, while white fans act like a tone-policing HOA.

Point being: fandom and ficwriting cultures as they currently exist badly need to confront the implicit acceptance of racism and cultural bias that underlies a lot of community rules about engagement and criticism, and that needs to start with white and western fans. We don’t want to be the new Bronies, guys. We need to do better.  

#race #racism #c-drama #fandom #fan wank #fandom wank #microaggresions #culture #the untamed #bronies #whiteness #ficwriting #fanwriting #cultural bias #discourse

[strangestcase]

Im going to be honest I do clown a lot on the glass scientists for making jekyll and hyde twinks and whatnot but as someone who used to really like this comic ummm what’s up with all the (gestures vaguely towards Hyde) ableism involved here.

you as a singlet can’t slap DID/OSDD symptoms into Mr. Hyde (a character that has historically AND FAMOUSLY been used as THE evil alter trope, even if he wasn’t written as such originally) and call it a day, no matter how accurate or respectful you are. Specially if you’re somewhat accurate, showing you either know what you’re doing or you know shit and it’s all a ”happy coincidence”. It’s contributing to the stereotype of DID alters -particularly protectors and persecutors- being violent evil monsters… precisely because Mr. Hyde IS a monster. even if you portray him as being in the side of good and just hurting Jekyll since he “embodies his self hatred”. Which is you know. Kind of portraying him as a persecutor? (Not to mention he LITERALLY GOES TO HEADSPACE, navigates Jekyll’s memories as if they werent his, despite the narration implying the “”””split”””” happened with the experiment, and encounters a character that is coded to be a persecutor as well… and they spend the first six chapters or so in CO-CON)

that’s just the first seven chapters btw, I think very recently (I don’t read it anymore) Hyde “fronted” without transforming. Literally possessing Jekyll.

like Jesus Christ.

It would be just as harmful was grabbing, idk, a werewolf, making the wolf form a DID/OSDD alter in all but name, fixing up some of the narration to whip out the “it’s just dissociative depersonalization” excuse and calling it a day. That’s exactly what TGS does. Dumb example I know but doing that shit to a werewolf would be bad because even if the wolf is good, you’re likening symptoms of a trauma disorder that causes shifting to being a literal shapeshifting monster which, unless you’re plural yourself and reclaiming such a stereotype, is… questionable at best.

now you’re applying that same ^ method to one of the horror character systems get most compared to and ummmm. (:

so yeah, long story short, don’t portray Hyde as the evil alter trope (for the twentieth time…) because it is harmful.

I’m a singlet so I know I am missing stuff here- if any plurals want to say anything about this matter they’re very much welcome to! I’m just voicing my opinion that going “what if the evil character systems get constantly compared to as an excuse to justify being ableist, was, indeed a system?” is not only taking away the most interesting elements of the character but also perpetuating a rather dangerous vision of systemhood, and unless you’re reclaiming it OR being EXTREMELY TACTFUL and normal about it (which TGS. Doesn’t do, since Hyde 1) is a classic monster of early science fiction 2) does so much weird glittery mind bullshit in that comic he could be replaced with a fantasy demon at this point and the plot would remain the same) you just… Shouldnt try.

And again: he’s not even a system in the original book. I do see a lot of other J&H fans clown too on how unoriginal or boring or too-conventionally attractive or too similar to Jekyll Hyde’s design is but very few do actually go ”hey, he’s literally getting written as a fantasy flavored magical evil split personality…”

okay now for the petty cherry on top: that adaptation set back the reading comprehension of the fandom like 1000000 years and if I ever have to read another fucking “split personality” joke about Jekyll and Hyde I’m straight up snapping

#doc talks #jekyll and hyde #dr jekyll and mr hyde #the strange case of dr. jekyll and mr. hyde #tgs critical #gothic fiction #gothic literature #long post #ableism #*gets down my little soapbox* I’m fine now