#life with non epileptic seizures

[honeycombhank]

I had a dream the other night that I had to go to court for my disability because I had to prove that I needed it, but in the dream nothing that happened at court made sense and I remembered being so scared that they wouldn’t see how much I needed help.

I remember at one point someone, maybe me? Or someone’s else, or both? Were on the beach and were bleeding because of being wounded by drift wood. Yeah, idk but apparently being wounded by drift wood meant i wasn’t eligible for disability, so then I was both pissed and trying to explain how my seizures really did affect my everyday life and incredibly sad because they denied me and I didn’t know how I was going to be okay with out financial help

Yeah, sometimes dreams bring some real feelings to the surface.

I haven’t heard anything yet from the people about my disability application in real life and waiting is very hard.

#dreams #disability #honeycombhank #healing #at the beach #tw blood #court case #dream #legal #struggle #waiting #life with seizures #life with non epileptic seizures #stress dreams

[writtenroses1813]

My mom: sure you’re shy but you don’t have that much anxiety, you don’t need medication

Me: *has actual panic attacks*

Mom: Ok maybe you need medication but it isn’t extreme anxiety

Me: *literally develops psychogenic seizures, has both depression and PTSD, and obsessive thoughts common in OCD*

Mom: yeah but you’re not mentally ill cause it’s not like you’re crazy

#funny #funny post #funny stuff #haha funny #sad but true #mother #my mom <3 #my mom #depresso #tw depressing thoughts #depressing life #sorry for being depressing #actually epileptic #actually mentally ill #anxiety #psychogenic non epileptic seizures #ptsd recovery #ptsd

[chronicallyuniconic]

Genuinely worried about what these seizures are doing to my brain. What if each time I'm losing a little less until I'm not a person anymore. I'm so tired

#Seizure #non epileptic seizures #Nocturnal seizures #chronic life #brain pain #head pain

[a-totally-reasonable-username]

Sensory issues and chronic pain = not knowing if you have a really low or really high pain tolerance because it could be either one

#i have nothing to compare my pain to? #i've never broken a bone or needed stitches or anything #sensory issues mean that a bruise can bring me to cry but i've also had non epileptic seizures where i threw my head backwards until i #worried i was gonna break my spine and after it was over was able to get up and talk after 10 minutes #it makes using pain scales at the doctors really hard #chronic illness #disabled #chronically ill #disability #how is this my life?? #why is this my life?? #cripple punk

[hazeltail]

I had what I think was an absent seizure around 2am. And I'm back on the medication for it and it still happened.

#mine #text post #absent seizure #seizures #non epileptic seizures #health problems #life update #personal #hazeltail #hazeltailxo #hazeltail official #hazeltailofficial

[heartnosekid]

hey friends, i wanted to share some things that are going on in my life right now. mostly for possible support, since it is really difficult going through this right now and i wonder if any of y’all have been through the same.

in july, i had three psychogenic non epileptic seizures (PNES) which required me to go to the hospital. they were caused by extreme nervous system stress, i.e. ptsd and panic attacks combined with the fact i was trying to self medicate with cbd and delta 8. super scary, never experienced a fear and strangeness like that before.

since then, i have had like. no full seizures but instances where i felt like i did before the onset of having the three in july.

i am now coming off cymbalta, the second SNRI i have had to come off in the last three years. i am experiencing pretty intense withdrawals and i was wondering if anyone else has had experience with cymbalta withdrawal as well and if anyone could tell me what their experience was like.

essentially my withdrawal symptoms are feeling similar to how the onset of the PNE seizures felt, and i am kind of just. i guess super scared. i have a support system IRL, but regardless of that, whenever i have these symptoms, i feel so alone and isolated. not necessarily in a lonely way, but in the way that i feel the extremest thing is going to happen and no one will be able to help me, if you know what i mean.

so yeah. i’m sorry to vent here, health problems have really been kicking my hind-end in recent years and now the seizures and withdrawals on top of it has really made things more complicated. and i wanted to know if anyone else has any similar experiences, because if someone has shared my experience, it will somehow calm me down. i will be responding to all comments left on this post btw.

as always, i love you all. very very much. if i miss any trigger tags on this post, please let me know and i will fix it accordingly.

- ish 💕

#ish talks #mental health #medication tw #withdrawal symptoms #PNES #cymbalta #drug ment tw #health problems

[the-guilty-writer]

Spencer Reid Masterlist

Oneshots:

Spencer Reid x daughter!reader:

Lazy Genius: reader decides to skip a school assignment, and her dad isn't happy about it.

Statistics, Rubix Cubes, and Waiting Rooms: Your dad, Spencer, sits with you as you wait for your psychological testing to begin.

To Start: you and your dad, Spencer, talk on the way to your first therapy appointment.

Intoxicating Hurt: If anyone knows how intoxicating hurting can be, it’s Spencer Reid. If anyone knows that there’s a better way to take pain away, it’s Spencer Reid.

Big Day, Huh?: (child!reader) Spencer's autistic daughter has an eventful morning at the BAU.

I'd Better Ask Emily: When Spencer goes looking for your school notebook and accidentally reads your diary instead he goes to the BAU bisexual badass for help.

Death by a Thousand Cuts: After you hear about JJ's feelings towards your dad, you tell her the truth about how you feel about her too... and it's not friendly.

Crave and Courage: Spencer comes home from a case to find you torn between crave and courage.

No Matter What: Spencer helps his daughter with BPD through an anger breakdown.

Spencer Reid x teen!reader:

The Washington Tales: Spencer's busy schedule leaves you feeling lonely. You run away, finding company in an old friend.

You're Real: As you get deeper and deeper into a depersonalized state, your dad doesn’t need to ask- he already knows the best thing he can do for you.

Spencer Reid x reader:

Perfect Anyway: (GN!reader) Wounds don’t always heal perfect, but Spencer makes sure you know just how perfect you are.

Valid: After experiencing a non-epileptic seizure, Spencer refuses to leave your side.

We Need You That Way: (GN!reader) Spencer reminds dyslexic reader that they’re a valuable part of the team.

---

Series/Multipart:

Thirteen: (mostly platonic!reid) reader waits by the river and reflects on a time in their life filled with love, loss, and sacrifice. Completed (Part One)(Part Two)(Part Three)(Part Four)(Part Five)

The Happen Anthology: (Spencer Reid x daughter!reader) Spencer's daughter was kidnapped And then she was saved But what happened then effects what happens now.

---

Headcanons:

Spencer Reid x daughter!reader:

Getting an autism diagnosis

Helping you with your eating disorder (ft. Garcia)

#spencer reid masterlist #criminal minds masterlist

[furiousgoldfish]

I've had non-epileptic seizures for most of my life, I didn't know they were called this until I read the dsm-5 description for the dissociative identity disorder, and they're mentioned in there. The seizures usually mean that I will start shaking, gasping uncontrollably, collapse to the ground, lose control of my limbs and breathing, and start twitching and thrashing on the ground. I'm conscious during this and aware of everything that's going on. It usually happens when I'm alone and trying to relax, I won't have them in front of other people. I can usually feel them coming 10-20 seconds before they happen, it just feels like something is off and I can't breathe properly or feel immense pressure inside and tremors in my body.

They can last from 20 seconds to five minutes, I've sometimes had longer but rarely, and once it's over I will dissociate and go do something else, forgetting I've even had a seizure until later I find I'm not able to breathe properly and remember what happened.

I didn't know why I was getting these, and then I was doing an exercise to try and process a traumatic experience, using the process I found in the 'Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse' book. The part of the exercise was to take every emotion you felt during the trauma, and put it in a box. I was easily going through emotions of fear, panic, grief and terror and putting them into a box, until I got to anger, and the second I thought of it I got a seizure. Which clarified to me, that the seizures were the product of unprocessed anger.

Learning this information inspired me to try and be more angry, but I haven't had any actual progress, I have trouble getting angry if there's nothing to set me off, and if I am angry, I feel so frustrated and out of control, I just want to calm down. My symptoms of unprocessed anger got worse; my shoulders and neck are so tense and rigid now they're in constant pain, my jaw is painful from the constant stress and I am gritting my teeth during sleep, causing them to hurt as well. I can't physically hit or kick anything because at this point it hurts my neck.

If you've ever deal with such an issue, did you manage to resolve it? Also, does anyone else have seizures like this, and if you do, do you also have the dissociative identity disorder, or osdd, or cptsd? I would love to know more and if there are any treatment options for this. I can tell my body will continue to deteriorate if I don't do anything.

#non-epileptic seizures #osdd #did #trauma symptoms #unprocessed anger #chronic pain #tense muscles #processing anger #pent up anger #non-expressed anger #expressing anger

[seven-oomen]

A service dog for Ben

My name is Ben (33 years old) and after 20 years of mental health treatment, I have been discharged from further treatment. For years, I have been struggling with ADHD, Autism, and PTSD. The latter causes me to have multiple dissociations on a daily basis, which are attacks where my body continues on autopilot, and I am not aware of what I am doing. This can lead me to walk into traffic and come face to face with a car. Furthermore, I experience non-epileptic seizures where my legs give way and I fall to the ground. This happens to me in public on the sidewalk, but also along train tracks, in the middle of an intersection, and in other dangerous places. I am also regularly pulled back into flashbacks, old unpleasant memories or emotions. And my nights are filled with nightmares. The happy, creative, adventurous animal friend who enjoys walking, writing, and taking trips with friends has been locked away. Due to my disabilities, I live in isolation and my world has become ever so small.

But there is hope. My dream to reclaim my life as a thirty-something-year-old, expand my social network again, return to work, and spend time with family and friends can come true. How?

Through the help of a psychiatric service dog. I'll dog myself with the guidance and aid of a professional assistance dog school. This is a task I am capable of thanks to my background as a certified veterinary technician with experience in raising assistance dog puppies, and an internship at a police dog training academy.

The dog will alert me in time when an attack is coming, allowing me to go to a safe and quiet place to sit. The dog will be trained to fetch and bring my medication on time, wake me up and provide support during nightmares, lie on top of me to calm me down through pressure on my body, and prevent me from harming myself by licking my hands.

With the dog by my side, I can go out on the street again, visit family and friends, go on outings, do groceries, return to work, and resume living life.

But the training for this dog is costly. It amounts to around 11,000 euros for the training and acquisition of the dog. The health insurance company does not cover this type of assistance dog, and the WMO (Social Support Act) does not provide reimbursement for this process either. Hence, the request if you would like to make a contribution.

Every little bit helps. I greatly appreciate any donations and/or sharing of this donation drive.

For Americans and others that have trouble donating through the platform, I can also receive donations through Paypal or Ko-fi.

#service dogs #crowdfunding #donations #signal boost #gofundme #actually ptsd #assistance dog #please reblog

[justepilepsy]

Hey! Agreeing with your James Somerton post. I also have epilepsy! I’ve been living with it for most of my life and I’m also in an academic field that requires a lot of writing. Even after my seizures I’m able to recognize my own writing compared to others, and I’m still able to cite my sources correctly in my writing. I think it’s a really terrible excuse to pin a career of plagiarism, misinformation, and misogyny on epilepsy (among other things, but still). I would really love more epileptic representation on youtube, but not from people like him :(

Hi Anon, this is so real. Personally I suspect that a lot of people actually just don't mention their epilepsy, even when they make Youtube videos, because it is difficult to explain and carries a lot of stigma.

To my knowledge Stanzipotenza (active on YT and TikTok) has non photosensitive epilepsy, some of her videos may not be friendly for photosensitive audiences (but I enjoy her skits a lot). https://www.youtube.com/@Stanzipotenza I also want to shoutout @moviehealthcommunity youtube channel, with some great content and movie evaluations in video form! Link here!

With all that is going on with James, it is of course obvious, that a diagnosis is no guarantee for a person's content to be the right fit, nor to contain accurate information.

I don't know if I want to rack myself into the "YouTuber" list, because it really is just a hobby for me and I don't see myself actually growing much beyond what I currently have earned by making mostly fan-animation content for the adventure zone.

Could people share, if they know YouTubers who have mentioned their Epilepsy Diagnosis???

#epilepsy #james somerton #actually epileptic #stanzipotenza #moviehealthcommunity #youtube #answers anon ask

[honeycombhank]

I know I shouldn’t be focusing on the negative things happening right now but damn it I’m exhausted beyond words!!!!

During this move I have not been able to stay on a regular routine and that is really starting to catch up with me today.

I need my workouts! I need my art and creative time! I need my walks with my love! I need a clean and organized space! I need to eat well! Remember to eat regularly and not just junk! UGH!

I have hardly any of these very important things right now and I’ve had so many seizures and this morning has been a cluster fuck.

My dog has been having horrible diarrhea and waking me up in the night, once because she had already pooped in her crate bed and we had to throw it out it was so bad, she hasn’t wanted to eat so I’ve had to get sensitive stomach wet food to try and keep her eating because she gets horrible acid reflux when she isn’t eating steadily throughout the day, it’s so hard to handle and I do not quite understand why she has it so badly and we have taken her to the vet several times and it’s so stressful honestly.

On top of all that I think we have chives growing all over the new yard! Like.. what?? Chives?

She would have yo eat a shit ton like three pounds of chives for it to be super dangerous I’ve heard but still I do not like that at all and have been keeping an incredibly close eye on her while she is outside

We have two more days for cleaning and I’ve already had a severe panic attack this morning about getting it all done in time.. I have been working so hard you guys.. my body hurts and my brain isn’t functioning properly anymore. I need self care, I need good rest and I need a break.

11/8/23

#real life #the struggle is real #life with seizures #life with non epileptic seizures #my pets #honeycombhank #healing #greyhound #Nelly noodles #hobbies #artistic #fitness #daily routine #mental health #omg #mentally exhausted #physically exhausted #disabled

[writtenroses1813]

Anyone else get diagnosed with epilepsy and then literally everyone at school started ignoring you??

#sad but true #actually epileptic #epileptic problems #psychogenic non epileptic seizures #non epileptic seizures #epilepsy #homeschooling #public school arc #public school stories #depresso #tw depressing thoughts #depressing life

[multiplicity-positivity]

Here’s some positivity for systems who have seizures!

Systems of all sorts deserve to be supported and uplifted in the system community. Those with epilepsy or who experience non-epileptic seizures (NES) are important members of this community and their presence here should be welcomed and cherished! This post is for every system in the plural community who has seizures!

Shoutout to systems who have regularly experienced seizures since they were young!

Shoutout to epileptic systems who need photosensitivity warnings, lack of flashing/strobing lights, and other accommodations in order to live happy lives!

Shoutout to systems whose seizures are caused by internal processes or electricity in their brain!

Shoutout to systems who have recently had their first seizure!

Shoutout to systems who aren’t sure why they have seizures, or who haven’t been able to receive an explanation from their healthcare provider!

Shoutout to systems who carry seizure cards or educate others on how best to help them if they have a seizure!

Shoutout to systems who have to avoid media content that they would otherwise enjoy due to the possibility of it triggering a seizure!

Shoutout to individual members in systems who have seizures more than the rest of their headmates!

Shoutout to traumagenic systems whose trauma history caused them to develop epilepsy or have NES!

Shoutout to systems who suddenly became epileptic later in life!

Shoutout to systems whose seizures make it difficult or impossible for them to work, attend school, keep the hobbies they want, or pursue their passions!

Shoutout to those who are epilepsy advocates, or who fight for accessibility rights for those who experience seizures!

If you or anyone in your system experiences seizures, we are wishing you hope, rest, comfort, and stability in your future! Please don’t be afraid to ask for help or accommodations when you need them - you deserve to live a life full of joy and happiness, and it’s okay (and so important!) for others to make changes or exceptions for your health and safety.

Remember to take it easy from time to time and try to treat yourself and your system with patience and kindness! Know that you will always have a place in the plural community, and we are so happy to have you here! Thank you so much for reading, and have a wonderful day!

(Image ID:) A pale orange userbox with a cluster of multicolored flowers for the userbox image. The border and text are both dark orange, and the text reads “all plurals can interact with this post!” (End ID.)

#multiplicity #pluralgang #plurality #actuallyplural #system positivity #plural positivity #plural pride #system pride #epilepsy #epileptic #non epileptic seizures

[psychic-refugee]

Xavier Thorpe had always been interested in art. It had been his passion since he was young.

He dreamt of galaxies and spaceships, of a man with flowers and tall aliens who graciously accepted them.

His art was world renowned in the sci-fi world. He was commissioned to do cover art for novels and made a tidy living from concept art for blockbuster films.

He had his own art studio in SoHo that was a popular destination when the Star Trek convention and other like events were in town.

Lately, he had dreamt of a woman with dark hair and agate eyes. He painted her over and over again, unlike anything he had ever done before. Those paintings were in his private collection, and none had ever seen them.

Unbeknownst to him, his studio got repeat visitors from a pair that always wore crisp black suits. The studio manager always politely asked them if they were interested in purchasing a piece, but they always said no.

It didn’t occur to the manager that it was odd that he never remembered them, even when they visited nearly every day for the past several weeks. They were always so discreet and nothing about them had ever stuck in his mind.

“Well, that’s definitely a Betazoid,” Agent A commented as he studied the painting.

“It’s not just a Betazoid, it’s Reittan Grax,” Agent W specified quietly, “And it’s a far more flattering portrait than he deserves.”

Agent A simply laughed, he knew his partner was one to hold grudges and the biennial Betazoid Trade Agreement Conference being held on Earth was a headache for the Organization globally.

As they studied all the art on display, they also took note of Bolians, Mizarians, and Zakdorns.

They had all the public and non-public records of Xavier Thorpe. From all their research, he was as human as they came.

The question was, how was he painting aliens that were not known to humans? At first their boss, Agent L had suspected an undocumented alien merely capitalizing on actual alien likenesses in order to make Earth money and a life for themselves. But Xavier Thorpe had all the proper records and history, even their most prolific forger would have a hard time mimicking a human life so well.

They were sent to investigate and had lucked out that day as Xavier needed to consult with his manager about his next showing.

Xavier was left speechless when he literally met the woman of his dreams.

Agent W and Agent A were suspicious when it looked like Xavier recognized Agent W, which should have been impossible.

They did their usual protocol when they introduced themselves by implying they were government agents, their badges held no actual seal of any U.S. government agency, but most of the human population was never that observant.

Xavier had been nervous, but he answered their questions honestly. His answers all matched up to his paperwork and they each discreetly performed tests with their advanced technology.

Xavier Thorpe was human and of Earth, there was no denying that.

“Thank you for answering our questions,” Agent W started to wrap it up, they would need to head back to HQ to debrief Agent L and get guidance of what to do next. She took out a silver cylindrical tube, ignoring Xavier’s confused look.

She set the time and date for him to forget, and with a quick flash, she started to do her normal spiel,

“You never saw…” her words died on her lips when Xavier simply looked confused rather than dazed.

“What did you just flash me with?” the flash wasn’t painful, nor did he have any idea why she did it, but he could have been epileptic for all she knew. It was just rude and dangerous.

Agent A frowned at the neuralyzer, wondering if it was broken. It had never happened before to his knowledge, but he wasn’t sure what else to think.

She flashed him again, and again Xavier was not affected by the device. In fact, he got annoyed and smacked it out of her hand.

She frowned at him and he frowned right back at her,

“You’re gonna give me a seizure or something,” he griped.

Xavier also wasn’t entrenched in the sci-fi fandom for nothing, so he put together the two nameless agents in sunglasses while indoors and the weird doohickey they flashed in his face.

“Is it safe to say that you guys are part of some shadow government?”

Both agents sighed deeply, and Agent A rolled his eyes.

The Men in Black were a known secret amongst the sci-fi nerds, and they wondered if others were immune to the neuralyzer and that’s how they ended up on Reddit all the time.

Xavier brought them back to his apartment and showed them the paintings of Agent W.

They were beautiful and well done, and Agent W almost shed a tear for they were snapshots of her past life, before she became an Agent.

When she had a family and a dream to become a writer.

They took him to MiB headquarters and Xavier was amazed that so much was hidden under their very noses. He had passed the HQ building several times and never would have thought it held a secret government agency.

They ran some tests and Agent L explained,

“Xavier, you are the rare human that has psychic ability. It’s why you dream of aliens that have visited our planet and why the neuralyzer does not work on you. Normally we would make you disappear, put you in a sort of exile to preserve the secret of alien life and protect Earth. However, with your abilities, I believe you would be ideal for our special unit.”

“Special unit?” Xavier took it all in stride, he thinks he always believed there might be some truth to his dreams.

“Yes, it’s not just extra-terrestrials we deal with. It’s a secret even to most of our most senior agents. Most of the time, it’s more than enough to know aliens exist. If they also knew the supernatural existed as well…well some have had to retire early,” was all she would say.

Xavier considered his options. He certainly didn’t want to go into exile, and he wasn’t particularly close with anyone. He hadn’t even spoken to his father in years, and he didn’t have any close friends.

He could only think of Agent W, and the dreams of them together. He felt he was where he was meant to be.

So, he accepted Agent L’s offer. He traded in his paintbrushes for his own neuralyzer, and his paint splattered camo pants for a bespoke black suit.

You will not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You’re a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu, and dismissed just as quickly. You don’t exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence, your native tongue. You are no longer part of the system. You are above the system. Over it. Beyond it. We’re “them.” We’re “they.” In the absence of light, darkness prevails. We stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers.

The words of Agent L echo in his mind as he puts on the suit.

There are things that go bump in the night…we are what bump back.

He developed his psychic abilities under the guidance of Agent L. He was glad to see that Agent W and Agent A were given promotions and assigned to his unit.

“Welcome,” Agent L began, “Our unit is a secret within a secret. We are the Outcasts. This is our newest agent, Agent X.”

Agent W nodded respectfully, but from the heated way she eyed him up and down, rather liking him in a black suit, Xavier, now Agent X, knew his dreams would be coming true sooner rather than later.

#xavier thorpe #wednesday addams #wenvier #wenvier moodboard #men in black inspo #wednesday x xavier #ajax petropolus #larissa weems

[lambtotheslaughterr]

Awake

A Rafe Cameron Mini Series

PART ONE

[THIS STORY WILL CONTAIN THEMES OF NON-CON/DUB-CON, MENTAL-EMOTIONAL-PHYSICAL ABUSE, ETC. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. 18+. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT]

WC: 3.3K

Dividers provided by @firefly-graphics

SERIES MASTERLIST

[THIS SERIES WILL CONTAIN INACCURATE MEDICAL CONDITIONS. I HAVE CERTAINLY MADE THIS DISEASE UP & DO NOT CLAIM ANY OF IT TO BE ACCURATE. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. 18+. MINORS DNFI]

            Moving was almost over. Your muscles ached from all the furniture your parents insisted on you taking. They wanted to be there for you today but you practically begged to let you make this change on your own. You understood their worries & concerns, after all, it had only been two years since your accident, the one that left you waking to faces you didn’t know. It was surreal. You were a grown woman, in your mid 20’s but you didn’t know anyone. They said you did. But you couldn’t remember. Not a damn thing.

            The doctors & their staff made the adjustment easier. Though it was tough for your friends & family to see someone they loved look at them with confusion & fear. It was even stranger for you. There was no one you could lead on. You hated how they spoke to you, trying to jog your memory & make you remember. But all the therapy sessions & tests proved that your memories were gone. They weren’t coming back.

            In the beginning, the doctors kept you separated from the people who knew you, wanting you to take your time. For that you were grateful. The woman who was your mom, because that’s what they told you: the birth certificate, the photo albums, the stories, always looked at you with sorrow in her eyes. It wrecked you. You wanted to comfort her but didn’t know how. She was your mother but you didn’t know her. But you would learn about her all over again.

            “All that’s left is your mattress.” Lillie informed you as she joined you in your spacious kitchen. Lillie Raymond was your best friend. Or so they said. But you couldn’t argue with them, they had the evidence. You remembered the first time she visited you in the hospital. Out of everyone, she was the most gentle, approaching you like a new friend to begin with. She didn’t push or flood you with stories of your upbringing together. She simply brought a couple DVD’s, talked about her new job, tried out new hairstyles & asked for your opinion. It was enjoyable. You looked forward to her visits the most.

            After two years of living with your parents, getting your feet back on the ground & building your independence, the first person you thought of to help you with the transition was Lillie. She was more than happy to accommodate.

            “Thanks, Lil.” You said softly, running your hands along the granite countertop, “For everything. I know moving in the middle of the night isn’t ideal.”

            “Ain’t no thang.” She responded playfully, “I’m a night owl anyway.”

            The other surreal life change that occurred alongside your long-term amnesia was a rare case of sun disease. The medical term was too long to bother remembering, funnily enough. Ultimately though, you found out early on in your rebirth that exposure to sunlight or lights that used heavy UV rays caused epileptic seizures. You were caged to a life of nights. If you weren’t sleeping during the day, you were in a room with blackout blinds drawn, blocking out any source of daylight. It became more isolating. The only daylight you could get was from the movies you watched where normal people lived normal lives during normal hours. But over time, you learned to appreciate the night.

            “I sent the moving crew home, too. I hope that’s okay. I didn’t tip though…” Lillie cringed, “Which I feel terrible about considering the time of night.”

            “It’s okay, my parents paid them in advance for their time & effort.”

            Lillie heaved a sigh of relief, “I feel much better now.”

            “Good.” You chuckled softly. Crossing the kitchen into the living room filled with haphazard boxes & misarranged furniture, you stared out your floor to ceiling windows. Your parents paid a crew to come in the day before & install the blackout blinds so your first day in your own home wouldn’t be an issue of you hiding out in your windowless bathroom.

            “City living.” Lillie joined you at the window, her arm brushing yours as you both stared at the cityscape just outside, “I know you hate when we do this but the old you would’ve rolled in the grave at leaving the coast for a city full of smog & people who can’t drive.”

            She was right. You did hate when they did that. Your parents, friends telling you that who you were before your accident wouldn’t agree with the things you say & do now. It always felt belittling. Like you were an imposter trapped in the body of a girl that didn’t truly belong to you. You shook of the comment, “I’m happy she’s gone. I want to be here.”

            “I know, I’m sorry.”

You bumped her shoulder with your own, “It’s okay, Lil. But let’s not talk about her anymore, okay?”

“Heard.”

Following behind Lillie, the two of you rode the elevator down to the underground garage where the moving truck waited. A single crew man was sitting in the cab, clearly exhausted as the two of you pulled & pushed your memory foam mattress off the bed of the truck. Lillie drew down the gate of the bed & rapped her fist against, signaling to the driver he was clear to leave. As the moving truck rumbled out of the garage, you & Lillie carried the mattress into the elevator & up to your apartment.

Apartment hunting had been the most fun you had in a long time. There were many to choose from & because you, as well as your therapist & doctors, agreed that you were ready for independent living, you didn’t waste a second in seeking one out. Of course, once your parents supported your decision, at the behest of your doctors, they didn’t anticipate you moving states away. But once your doctors & therapist found suitable replacements for their roles in your livelihood, you were set to go on your merry way into a newfound life & home.

The apartment you chose was in an eight-story tall building. The architecture was modern with clean lines, cement flooring & walls, big windows perfect for natural lighting (which you wouldn’t get much use out of), & industrial features. Your apartment alone was quite large & resided on the top floor of the building. Your parents were paying a pretty penny for your rent. Unfortunately, one of the downsides of your sun disease was finding a job. Eventually you did find one, working as a call operator for people who are suffering from trauma in their lives & just need someone to talk to who would listen, perhaps even relate to their stories. As much as you enjoyed your job though, it didn’t nearly cover the rent enough. But you wanted the apartment, you needed this apartment. So, your parents agreed to pay your rent contingent on you covering the bills—which you were more than willing to do—as well as allowing your mother to fly in once a month to visit you on a weekend of your choosing. You accepted all conditions.

“So, where do you want it?” Lillie asked once the two of you dragged your mattress into your apartment. Of course, the bedroom would’ve been the obvious choice. But you had yet to get a bedframe yet. Your parents offered you the one you had been using for the last two years but you wanted something new, something of your own. Besides, the view in your bedroom didn’t nearly match the view from your living room.

“In the corner here.” You nod in the direction of your living room, beginning to tug on your end of the mattress. Lillie looked at you incredulously but shrugged her shoulders, lifting her end & helping you maneuver it just below the windows in your living room. You knew she didn’t understand but she didn’t need to. You wanted to be apart of the world & this was the closest you would get to it until then.

The two of you fell to your butts atop the mattress, Lillie pulling out her phone while your eyes clung to the cityscape outside.

“Jozef just got to the hotel.” Jozef, Lillie’s boyfriend & your other childhood friend—because they said so—had initially helped with the move but had to leave early to get some sleep for their flight in the morning.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay until you gotta leave in the morning? I clearly,” You gesture to the spacious apartment, “have the space.”

Lillie laughs softly, a hint of fatigue in her voice, “Thanks, babe but it’s okay. I know how important it is for you to do this.”

“I can start tomorrow though. I wouldn’t mind one more night with my best friend.”

Lillie grinned, rolling her eyes, “Okay okay, pull my arm why don’t ya.” She began tapping on her phone, “I’m telling Jozef I’ll meet him at the airport in the morning. But you better not make me miss my flight, missy.”

“Promise.” You gestured with your pinkie, to which she curled hers around your own.

There was music being played. It was faint. The clock on the floor read that it was almost six in the morning. Beside you, Lillie slept soundlessly. You were wide awake. Your new abnormal bedtime wasn’t usually until about nine in the morning, that way you slept through most of the day & would wake up in time for the evening.

Rolling to your side, you leaned up on your elbows, straining your ears to hear the music better. You reached above you to the window, rotating the handle, watching as the window slowly opened, letting the music below slip in smoother. It was a piano. You rose to your knees, your breath fogging the glass as you peeking your eyes over the opening of your window, trying to pinpoint where it was coming from.

Outside, the world was still. There wasn’t a car in sight on the street in front of your building. You peered into the apartments across from you. Hardly any had any lights on, maybe a one over someone’s kitchen sink or a lamp in the corner, but for the most part, they were dark. You remained there for a while, letting the piano piece waft softly up to your apartment. You knew it was at least coming from the apartments across the street. Again, you looked at the time. It was now just a little past six in the morning. Returning to a lying position, you wondered who would play music this early, & if anyone would become annoyed by it. But then you thought that most people were waking up right about now for work, for their normal lives, & you thought to hell with anyone who would find that annoying. You quite enjoyed it.

As you lied there in bed, thinking about the new life you would be embarking on in the morning, you focused on the piano piece, letting lull you to a state of sleepiness. As much as you would enjoy being like everyone else & waking to such a beautiful sound, you settled for letting it be your lullaby. Before you knew it, your eyes grew heavy & your breathing fell soft. Then you slept.

When you woke it was about two in the afternoon & Lillie was long gone. You were thankful that when you rolled over & looked around your living room that she had drawn all the blinds before she left. Part of you was sad to have missed her & not being able to say goodbye, but another part of you was relieved. You didn’t cry much. You didn’t know if you were a crier before, you didn’t want to know, but it was difficult for you to show emotion like that. Sure, you cried in moments of frustration & restrained anger but never from sadness or heartache. You theorized it was because you hadn’t grown emotionally attached to your friends & family. Yes, you loved, cared about them deeply—as deep as one can in two years—but the moments that typically called for tears never reached you. It bothered you in the beginning, knowing it bothered your loved ones, but there was nothing you could do to change that. You didn’t want to fake or pretend. So, while you would’ve loved to have said goodbye to Lillie & hug her one more time, you didn’t want to see her cry knowing full well you couldn’t mirror her emotions.

Getting out of bed, you were disheartened knowing you were awake much earlier than you’d like to be which meant your time up would be longer, but you wanted to find the good in that, meaning you had all the time to unpack your apartment & set it up to your hearts content. After making yourself a pot of coffee you, you unwrapped one of your bar stools & sat at the island, letting the bitterness of the drink wake you up. Though it was midday, your apartment was quite dark. You had a few nightlights plugged in to light the hallways & a few lamps ready for use when you needed but otherwise, you preferred sticking to candles. One burned now at the other end of the counter. You watched the flame flicker, the only other moving entity in your apartment other than you.

Begrudgingly, you found yourself wondering if the old you enjoyed solitude. Because of your condition, you adapted to your isolation well, finding solace in it when everyone around you looked at you in a way that was begging you to remember who you were. But you shook the thought from your head, not wanting to linger on them for too long. Your therapist told you that thoughts like that would be a given but it was a matter of not letting them be the reality. You are you now, not whoever you were before your accident, & while the people in your life would know that girl still, it wasn’t your duty to find her. She wanted you to embrace your new identity. So you would.

It’s ten in the evening when your mother calls.

“How are you feeling?”

“Good. I’m really happy.” You know she wishes that wasn’t the case but you also know that it’s not because she doesn’t necessarily wish you weren’t happy, just that you were happy to be so far away. You turn the focus on her, “How are you?”

“I’m okay, sweetie.” She sighs on the other end, her voice shaking. You begged silently for her not to cry. She too didn’t cry much, always trying to hide it from you & part of you hated yourself for it, but you needed her not to, “I just miss you, is all.”

“I miss you, mom.” It wasn’t a lie. You did miss her. You just wished you missed her more. You turn the conversation onto a positive note, an attempt to soothe her nerves, “I already decided on which weekend you should come.”

“That’s wonderful.” The smile was evident in her voice.

“Yeah, I was thinking the second weekend of next month.”

“That’s only two weeks away.” She observes.

“I know. I didn’t want you to have to wait too long to come. I know this isn’t any easier for you, either.”

“Honey, please don’t worry about me. I know—” She stops suddenly, you can tell she pulled the phone away from her, the sound of her controlling her breathing before she returns, “I know you need to do this. I’m not angry at you.”

You’re just angry at the situation, you respond internally. Something you heard her say often when your dad & her would talk deeply about your situation.

“I love you, mom.” You tell her, “I’ll wait to decorate the living till you’re here. That way we can do something together.”

“That sounds good to me, honey.” She says, “I love you, too.”

“I’ll call you in a couple days, okay?” Your therapist recommended that calls be few throughout the week. It would be a matter of control on your mother’s part that she’d need to exercise in the midst of your independence.

“Okay. Bye, sweetie. Call us if you need anything.”

“I will. Tell dad I love him too.”

The two of you ended the call & you sighed heavily, turning your phone off. Lillie texted you earlier when she & Jozef made it back to their home. You thanked her & said you’d talk to her soon.

The blinds were up now. You had made a significant impact in your unpacking. The kitchen was all set up, same with the sole bathroom. It wasn’t until you were sitting there in silence, the lights from other buildings lighting up the living room that you realized you had hardly eaten today. You were so preoccupied with unpacking your new life that hunger escaped you. Your stomach growled at the thought.

Turning your phone back on, you mapped nearby restaurants & settled on a handful of food carts that resided a block away. Slipping into a jacket & beanie, your earphones at the ready, you locked your apartment behind you & bounded into the world. It was Monday night so few people were out. Restaurants & bars had few patrons who sat at outdoor tables, enjoying the last bits of the summer as September reached it’s end. You searched for a ‘walking through the city’ playlist on your Spotify & allowed the music to keep you company on your trek to the carts.

You settled on a burger to eat on a bench then an order of fries to-go. In the excitement of moving, you had forgotten to go grocery shopping. There was literally no food waiting for you back at the apartment so you needed to supplement until you could order a grocery delivery service tomorrow. Once you finish the burger, you tossed the remnants in a nearby trash. The fries were tucked safely under your arm as you began the walk home.

Rounding a corner, your building came into view & you stopped, standing there on the corner to stare up at it, finding your apartment easily considering it was the corner unit on the top floor. From here, you could tell your apartment was dimly lit. You stood there for a moment, enjoying knowing you had your own place to call home. A chilly breeze brushed over you & you shivered, resolving you were done admiring your new home. You were just about to cross the street when a piano began playing.

You froze, one foot off the sidewalk as you stopped to listen. It was the same piece from the night before, though this time it was much louder, closer. You turned, walking parallel to your building along the front side of the building across from yours. There was no doubt the music was coming from these apartments. The piece was soft, elegant, soothing. You stood there, your neck craned as you looked upwards. You eyes were closed as swayed gently to the music. Even now, you felt the music could lull you to sleep right here on the sidewalk. A smile breached your lips.

You didn’t know how long you stood outside the building, listening to the music. You wish you could meet the person, ask them was the piece was called so you could listen to it yourself, or if they could come play it for you. But after a while, the music stopped, much to your disappointment. You opened your eyes, staring at the building in awe. You hoped the person intended on living there for as long as you lived across the street. You wanted to meet them, become friends, talk into the long hours of the day. Perhaps a new friend would be good for you. Someone who doesn’t know you from before, but you now.

Crossing the street & entering your building, you resolved you would find who the piano playing maestro was, & you resolved that they would become your closest friend in your new home.

Part one to a new Rafe Cameron series as requested by an anon. I promise Rafe will make an appearance in the next part but I needed to build the world & reader first. P.S. Rafe will be going by Adrian in this story because--psst he's the bad guy.

Please like, comment, reblog, drop an ask, etc. I look forward to hearing what ya'll think!

Thank you for reading!

Beau<3

PART TWO

Requests are currently CLOSED

Read this post on why doing more than liking a tumblr writers work is essential to our content creation.

[my love language is words of affirmation, it would make my day if you could comment your thoughts, reblog with tags, or drop an ask that shows your support. thank you for reading tumblr writers, we appreciate you]

taglist: @totallynotkaibiased

if you want to be added to a tag list, comment whether you want to be tagged for a character, a series, or in general, otherwise it will be dismissed.

#rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron fanfiction #dark!rafe cameron #rafe cameron #outer banks fanfiction #dark!fic

[drippinpeachesnhoney]

Vent non Ana related

I’ve spent this entire month decorating, planning, and preparing for our first real Christmas as a family and my in laws invited my BIL. Who I use to think was a great friend.

He’s actually an asshole. His core he’s a good person but he doesn’t think of others at all. We were super close when he was fat. Then he lost a bunch of weight (proud of him) but he just changed. He doesn’t check in on a single one of us. His dad is literally going for open heart surgery in a month and he wants him to take him and his gf hiking in a huge national park because he’s too scared to drive up there in the snow. Although we live close to it my FIL will either have to hike around with them or sit in the car alone for hours…fun.

They moved in with us for a little bit last year, completely trashed the living room we had no where to sit. It was just treadmills. Then when they moved out he left it that way. Knowing I’d have to clean it because I take care of the house and I cleaned his bedroom when he left the first time. Idk if he just doesn’t think of things like that? He’s literally in his 30s. I would think he’d be more considerate. (We live with my in laws btw)

Now he’s coming here for Christmas because he doesn’t want to be alone while his gf is with her fam. Which I get but he doesn’t contribute anything at all to anything. We had so much planned and I was going to cook so much because I enjoy it but I will not cook for him. He’s so ungrateful. So to not make things awkward I’m just not cooking. I’m not even being sarcastic when I say this but I’d have more interaction with a fake plant that’s how little he contributes to just life, with us at least.

We had a convo with my in laws telling them how we felt and that we just don’t want to be around him. We told them that if they invite him that’s totally fine and we will leave for the holiday. They said they understood and would reach out to plan for him to come around new years instead of Christmas. I’ve been telling my MIL to call him for the last 2 weeks. She finally did tonight and came and told us the news that he’s coming. After I’ve literally planned everything for just the 5 of us because she told me he was for sure not coming.

I just hate that she waited until last minute when we could’ve known this weeks ago and I wouldn’t have gone so hardcore in all my planning. It feels like she waited so it was like “too late it has to happen”. So tonight I moved all the decorations I put up in the living room into our room. I know it sounds petty but I (alone) put so much work into it and planned so much just for it to go to shit idc.

I’m usually down for being fake nice with distant family but I don’t even talk to my own mother anymore for not giving my little family the same effort we gave her. I’m sure as hell not gonna do that with a brother in law.

This is long and probably makes me sound horrible. I do feel bad about it. I hope he succeeds in every single thing he does but I don’t want to be apart of any of it. He was what I considered to be one of my best friends. We went through an insane amount of shit together. My alcoholism, some seizures (I’m epileptic fun fact), a huge move back into the in laws place. He was just nice to have around and the three of us did so much together. So to watch him use my partner for money to get back into college and then just dip and never ask us how we are after starting our own family hurt. My partner and I have the same birthday so it’s not easy to forget lol and we heard from everyone except him. When it was his birthday we reached out. When he graduated college we congratulated him. He never wrote back. We had our daughter and didn’t hear a thing from him. We heard from everyone in the family. I even heard from his gf. I had only met her once before! So I’m just a little annoyed and I feel like I wasted a lot of time. Okay that’s it. If you made it this far you’re an mvp. Goodnight! 💜