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tomesandtombstones · 2 years

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That Throne of Glass Series Made Me Weep

When it comes to Sarah J. Maas' work, I started with the one everyone was fangirling about - ACOTAR. After that rollercoaster of emotion, I picked between Maas' two other series, but knowing Crescent City was only two books in, I figured I'd go for the one that had a lot of books and an ending ready and waiting. Who wants the punishment of beginning a series and having to wait a year or more for the next book? Am I a lazy jerk who picks series to read that have been finished? Yes, I am and I do. I'm in the long game wait for the best book yet to be published, The Doors of Stone from Patrick Rothfuss, iykyk. I don't like waiting. So, I picked up Throne of Glass to continue my Sarah J. Maas Heatwave Summer 2022 Readathon (seriously, it was the European and Northeast US heatwaves when I started her books, that's the title of my summer, don't come for me).

I did a dumb thing and went to Reddit to see other folk's reviews after the first book. Why? Because I knew the voice of the author was slightly different. It's something readers know, the way an author's voice, the flow and style of writing, comes across as the book unfolds. This book was not quite like A Court of Thorns and Roses, so I Reddit'd myself on when Maas had written this series, and it turns out she'd worked on this as a freaking teenager. The stupid shit I was doing at 16 was definitely not leading to any lucrative career. Not one in writing, not one at all. So these first two books of Throne of Glass, according to Reddit, were the books she'd written and worked on for a decade or so before publishing, so they reflect her earliest (and still godamn stellar) abilities in writing. Things made sense! And really, it just made me all the more impressed by her and how much and how well she's written and how I wish I'd had my shit more together as a teen.

But this series! (There's even a coloring book, aww.) There's a strong female lead, and I've come to realize that's expected in these series. We're introduced to her as Celaena Sardothian, but we find out there's more to her and her name than we initially thought. But really, the way these books unfold, with another novella that can go before or between the books as you wish (don't skip it, dummy, there's big PLOT BITS in there), it feels like there's several main characters. The way they each have really well-crafted personalities and wants and crushing past trauma (like, damn), and the way they literally have as much necessity and importance throughout the tale as our main, it's that same grand design that Maas does with a fully-fleshed out cast.

Meet Celaena Sardothien.

Beautiful. Deadly. Destined for greatness.

In a land without magic, where the king rules with an iron hand, Celaena, an assassin, is summoned to the castle. She comes not to kill the king, but to win her freedom. If she defeats twenty-three killers, thieves, and warriors in a competition, she is released from prison to serve as the king’s champion.

The Crown Prince will provoke her. The Captain of the Guard will protect her. But something evil dwells in the castle of glass—and it’s there to kill. When her competitors start dying one by one, Celaena’s fight for freedom becomes a fight for survival, and a desperate quest to root out the evil before it destroys her world.

I swear, Maas must have the most fun picking out her names. There's a lot of symbology in each name she picks for her characters and how she creates their distinctness. As the books get to about 3, 4, and 5, the story is incredibly solid, complex, and unfolds throughout two continents of landscape. Remember, I fucking love a map in the first few pages. Love. It. I used to randomly draw maps of imaginary landscapes and countries and planets as a kid for fun. While that might imply I had issues I'll never know about or acknowledge, but it was fun. My only sadness is that one area of the map wasn't visited or spoken of beyond once (I think? In reference to something by a side character?), and it's called The Ruins of Morla. That sounded dope, I just wanted to find out more about it is all. Maybe she's got a short story or a blog up her sleeve and left that on the internet somewhere.

There's a lot of war, death, uncanny relationships, budding friendships, real strife and horrifying situations the characters go through, and this rounds out unbelievably well by the last book, Kingdom of Ash. Like once this thing gets going, it's a never-stop situation, one after another, and all the characters are in play in different portions of the world, a continent called Erilea, one called Wendlyn, and one called The Southern Continent. Someone's gotta give that fat island a name, as good as that one sounds, somewhat regal, I'd feel left out of the cool Fae/human names that grace the other two.

This series is more of a saga after we established the main three players in the first book, with magic and gods, and a hell of a lot of travel by ships. The creativity of Maas to give so much detail to the cities, landscapes and items within her world lends to how easy one's imagination builds that world as they read. There's millions of conceptions of particular places of the continent of Erilea out there in the minds of readers right now, but Maas is so good at details without info-dumping, if someone made a composite of those imagined images they'd make a concise picture of any one of those places. The world-building really does make a book land or fall flat. Sarah J. Maas clearly knows how to construct.

Also in the sense that this is a saga, around the middle of 4th book, Queen of Shadows, things really come together with a sense of urgency from the many villains and enemies through the main plot. There's always a good side story and a twist of fate that brings multiple characters into each other's sphere's, and those situations weave seamlessly with the main story, and back to the mega-heroic but self-depreciating and troubled main character.

In the end, I wept. I shed real tears twice as this series reached its finale. I think Kingdom of Ash is my favorite out of all of them, the action moves in that 986 page overture. I wouldn't have a clue where a new conflict could arise in the world of Celaena and her many *important* friends spread around their continents, but if Maas wants to further the storyline in any way, I know I'm not the only one who'd appreciate the hell out of a little character updates. Maybe they go and visit the Ruins of Morla.

You'll love this like the rest of Sarah J. Maas' work, so if you haven't, crack Throne of Glass open* and go let yourself enjoy a really triumphant and intense fantasy series.

- Leigh

* see what I did there?

#throne of glass #sarah j maas #celaena sardothien #aelin galythinius #rifthold #fantasy #book blogger #books #young adult #fantasy series #book review #series review

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emeraldvagabond · 3 years

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I remember discovering the Acotar book in the library of my freshman highschool campus. Other students were constantly recommending it. Somebody requested the library staff to get the third book when it had just came out and it was in the library a week later. I usually read crappy fanfics on Ao3 and Wattpad when I was 14-16 years old but I understood that it was just for guilty pleasure reasons. I was drawn to these books because they reminded me of the smut and other unfiltered stuff that I was regularly seeing online and sort of validated those toxic themes. Seeing this stuff published for my age group changed my perspective from “this is just guilty pleasure fanfic” to “this is how men legitimately act and how relationships work”

That’s probably why Bloomsbury and SJM thought it would be okay to publish her books in YA, cause a lot of young teens are already reading this stuff online. But there’s a huge difference between a kid sneakily searching smut fanfic vs reading it from a published book made for their demographic. I hope that all made sense. Now that I’m older and a couple years out of high school, I’m baffled that not enough people are talking about these books and the issue of them being in YA.

Right. And not to mention- when i was reading darkfics at 13-14(getting my mf phone taken..)I was aware of what i was reading and that it was wrong. The tags would say "hey! this is bad! so-and-so is being abused! toxic relationship! bad dynamics! dubious consent" so on and so forth.

But these books just....didn't have that acknowledgment. These books spun all those things that I had considered bad and toxic before, into this "freeing" relationship about "mutual respect" and "love" and I didn't have the ability to say woah hey this is literally the same thing im reading on ao3 because it wasn't presented or acknowledged as any of those things. This was supposed to be her healthy relationship after her toxic one. This man saved her. Yes, he hurt her before, but sometimes people have to get hurt for the greater good, and he's very hurt that he had to hurt her. Not sorry, exactly, but it did kind of upset him! So it's ok! This is actually a very loving healthy relationship!

and like...now I can understand that none of that is true, because i'm older and i've been in relationships, bad and good, and i've developed the ability to understand what isn't written directly on the page, to see things as more than what they're presented to me as...but as a child and pre-teen i didn't do that. Admittedly, I had this idea, from reading fanfic and so on, that bad things were going to be presented as bad off the pages even if the main character couldn't see them that way.

Uhm, clearly I was wrong but....bleh.

It's their responsibility to recognize that just because some teens are already finding this stuff doesn't mean that it's good or a healthy dynamic- and that, if they are going to direct it at YA(which really they just...shouldn't) then they have a responsibility to explain that these scenarios are unhealthy and abusive. But alas, sjm actually just thinks it's sexy and that Rhys is hot so that doesn't happen.

#asks #anti sjm #you made perfect sense idk if i made sense bc i just start saying shit and end up rambling for forever

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iliveiloveiwrite · 3 years

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What are some good book recommendations? I’ll be honest, I’ve never considered myself very much of a reader because I’ve never really found a genre that I’ve fallen in love with. But your taste in books is rather beautiful and makes me want to give it another chance

omg no-one has ever called my taste in books beautiful before, thank you 🥺 This is going to be an extensive list, I apologise in advance! I’ve provided a brief description of each book/series so you can go through and decide whether it would best suit you. The last thing I want to do is inadvertently trigger anyone.

Fantasy/Paranormal Romance

Wicked by Jennifer L. Armentrout - A series of three books following the life of Ivy Morgan. Good fae, evil fae, secret orders and a love interest with dark hair and green eyes. 18+.

Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas - A series comprising of seven books and one book of novellas. This series follows the assassin Celeana Sardothien as she enters into a competition to become the King’s Champion. This series is violent, and has some distressing scenes as well as scenes of 17+.

Crave by Tracy Wolff - I like to think of this as Twilight if it took place in a boarding school in the middle of Alaska. For those that read Twilight in high school, or have recently read it, this book is a hit of nostalgia you didn't know you needed. It is so entertaining and the love interests are *chefs kiss*.

A Touch of Darkness by Scarlett St. Clair - A series comprising of three books so far. A modern retelling of the famous Hades and Persephone myth. I adore this series. I seriously cannot tell you how much I love this series. The world building to the character development to my love of Hades by the end of it. It’s such a great read, I even waxed lyrical about it in one of my Fred Weasley fics. 18+ (scenes of mature nature).

A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness - Like history? Like vampires, witches and demons? This series is for you. A trilogy following the love shared by Diana Bishop, a historian and witch, and Matthew Clairmont, scientist and vampire. This series is for mature readers - it doesn't hold back on violence as well as sex. However, if you choose to read, I promise you, you will enjoy. It is also a series on Sky with a second series being aired in January (in the UK anyway). 18+

Stalking Jack the Ripper by Kerri Maniscalco - A series of four books following the lives of Audrey-Rose Wadsworth and Thomas Cresswell. Set in Victorian London, the first book follows the Jack the Ripper investigation ending on a cliffhanger not even I saw coming. This does get maturer as you continue the series and there are some gruesome scenes throughout. 16+

From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L. Armentrout - What can I say about this series that I haven’t already cried about? I bought the first book in lockdown and devoured it. I bought the second book about a week after it was published and it has not left my mind since. World building? Astonishing. Character development? Stunning. Handsome love interest? You best believe it. This isn't YA Fantasy; this is NA and it is mature. There are scenes throughout both books that are violent as well as mature. 18+.

Heartless by Marissa Meyer - The origin story of the Queen of Hearts and with no better way to put it... it’s heartbreaking. This book had my heart soaring only for it to be crushed in the best way possible. An incredible read. There are some violent scenes but it’s YA so it’s at a minimum. 15/16+.

The Wicked Deep by Shea Earnshaw - I read this book in one day. I could not put it down, I loved it so much. This books follows three sisters set on a quest for revenge - and how love may be the only thing powerful enough to stop them. 16+.

Historical Fiction

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller - Patroclus, an awkward young prince has been exiled to the kingdom of Pthia where he meets Achilles. Follow them through their coming of age tale through the Battle of Troy. So I adore this book, I love this book. I could talk about it all day long. It’s fantastic - go read it. LGBT+, 17+.

Lovely War by Julia Berry - A multi-layered romance set in the perilous days of World War One and Two, where Gods hold the fates - and hearts - of mortals in their hands. Oh... my... word... this book left me speechless. It left me speechless. I couldn’t not finish in the day that it arrived on my doorstep; it’s prose is poetic, it’s romance is dreamy and I just found myself tearing up at the words on the page. 17+

The Disappearances by Emily Bain Murphy - Every seven years something goes missing from the town of Sterling: people’s reflections, the stars in the sky, the ability to dream. Aila realises her mother may have something to do with such a curse. Again, I read this in a day. I couldn’t put it down. It’s set through WW2 and I just think the plot is genius. 15+.

Prose that makes me want to cry

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern - I read this for the first time back in 2014 and have read it so often since that I have had to buy a second copy so I don’t ruin the pages of my first. I LOVE THIS BOOK. It follows the creation of a circus that only opens from night until dawn and how this circus weaves itself into the lives of its workers/owners. An absolute masterpiece. 16+.

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab - This book has been one of my most anticipated releases of 2020, and it has not disappointed. When Addie LaRue makes a pact with the devil, she trades her soul for immortality and the curse of no-one remembering who she ever was. Until one day, somebody does. Every part of this book, I savoured, I made myself read it slowly for the fact that I didn't want to miss a thing. Utterly breathtaking. 18+.

We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson - Anything by Jackson deserves to be on this list. It drags you in and keeps you there. Why do you think they made a Netflix series of her work? 16+.

The Bloody Chamber by Angela Carter - This is a collection of short stories that are dark retellings of classic fairytales. It is so utterly fantastic. 18+.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid - Definitely in my top 10 reads of 2020. A former Hollywood starlette tells her life story to a reporter; every seedy detail of her life including that of her seven husbands. I was hooked from the first page. 18+.

18+ (This section can be ignored if this genre of books is not your thing).

A Lesson in Thorns by Sierra Simone - When librarian Poe Markham takes the job at Thornchapel, she has only two aims. One - to stay away from Thornchapel’s owner, Auden Guest. And Two, to find out what happened to her mother twelve years ago. This is a series comprising of three books so far with the fourth published at the end of this week. This series covers a lot of dark themes as well as mature content.

A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas - I have only involved this series here for the fact that it does have a lot of smut involved. Not as much as other books, but a lot more than your typical YA. However, these books are gold and so far this year, I’ve read the whole series about six times. I love them, go read them.

A Touch of Darkness by Scarlett St. Clair - I mentioned this series earlier but it does have a lot of smut.

Pestilence by Laura Thalassa - The first in the Four Horsemen series. This has a lot of violence and a lot of smut. However, the overall plot is so interesting as well as badass female characters that bring so much energy to the plot.

The Bargainer series by Laura Thalassa - If you’ve read ACOTAR, then this series is the perfect hangover cure. A love interest to swoon for and a plot to only keep you interested.

Authors I buy every book of

Cassandra Clare

Sarah J. Maas

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Scarlett St. Clair

Deborah Harkness

Kerri Maniscalco

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exciting · 3 years

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As requested, books / series I read in 2020 in the order I read them, with a few brief thoughts. (This took me a hot second because there are a few and also I moved cities) Should I keep a consistent goodreads? Yes I should but I didn’t think of that at the time, so bone apple teeth & sorry if I offend you abt your faves x

P.S. I can’t figure out how to do a read more on mobile so long post ahead!

A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas - This is one of the most vivid published fantasy books I have ever read... I read it twice in rapid succession. The fandom POPS off. I must say I have issues with certain aspects e.g. fae lore completely ignored à la Twilight, all love interests 500+ years old and technically a different species, etc (I’m not going to deconstruct the entire series here but just know that I could... Nesta deserves better)

Cruel Prince by Holly Black - This fucking slaps, HB clearly has done her research, the lore is near immaculate, and it explores the Fae in such a unique way, tying it to the modern world subtly and seamlessly. My only qualm was that the books felt quite short; truly wish there had been more content.

Throne of Glass by Sarah J Maas (6/7) - So basically I read this in one single, hyperfixated fit which meant I literally locked myself in my room for three days straight and read all six books back to back in a row from morning to the wee hours. Which is not to say it was spectacular; although it was a VERY rich world, sometimes it was too much... this felt like 6 stories in one. Ik she was young when she wrote this but it is my humble opinion that SJM needs a better editor & I personally think Rowan is a grade A asshole / straight up abusive (& personally think the ACOTAR Tamlin plot was born from that?). It’s good but not as good as ACOTAR. Skip-read the last book.

Grishaverse (Shadow and Bone) by Leigh Bardugo (3) - This is essential to read before SOC but was very much simply a YA fantasy book, although the world was cool and the way the love plot played out was, imo, a subtle middle finger to the fantasy trope. Felt very much aimed at younger readers though? Really liked the sandwhich structure of the Proluge and Epilogue, especially in #2

Six of Crows series by Leigh Bardugo (2) - INCREDIBLE continuation of Grishaverse, better than the original series by a mile. It has the range, the diversity, the representation (the male lead is a disabled asexual and still the most cunning of the entire cast of characters), the plot is phenomenal, and it manages such a well rounded plot in only two books which means nothing is stretched out or squeezed in more than need be. Deserves all the praise it gets.

King of Scars series by Leigh Bardugo (0.5/1) - Personally I don’t consider this book canon, and while it’s nice to see the rest of Nina’s journey & the world again & everyone else, I don't like it. I will, however, be reading book 2 when it comes out, so shame on me, I suppose.

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo (1/1) - this was incredibly cool although it went off in a completely different direction than I thought it would based off the first few chapters? One of my favourite YA-author-debuts-New-Adult novels in 2020 though!

Crescent City by Sarah J Maas (1/1) - This was supposed to be SJM/s New Adult debut, although personally I would put her other series in New Adult, and I can’t say a remarkable amount was different with this except they said “fuck” and “ass” a lot. WHY is the romantic interest 500 years old AGAIN. I just... don’t... I just don’t think it was necessary... the world was cool though, and the last half of the book was riveting, but the beginning was quite slow and I thought the sword thing was predictable. I am interested to see where this goes though.

A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab (3) - This world is so fucking cool... four Londons aka parallel universes & the one in ‘our’ world is set in industrial era London. Magic, girls dressing up as boys, thieves, pirates, royalty... it all just slaps. Schwab is an incredible writer & I was completely immersed.

Midnight Sun by SMeyer - I didn’t think anything could possibly detract even further from the Twilight story but I was sorely mistaken... seeing the stalking from Edward’s POV - and it was worse than depicted in Twilight, for the record - completely obliterated any sort of romance the first half of the original book may have portrayed. I still hold the opinion that the entire series would have been better if some kind of vampire lore had been abided by, if only to see all of the villains thwarted by someone dropping a bag of rice on the ground, forcing them to have to count them all.

An ember in the Ash by Sabaa Tahir (3/4) - This was just a very stereotypical ya fantasy series, emphasis on the YOUNG... it wasn’t anything to write home about but I remember quite enjoying it at the time.

The Power by Naomi Alderman - This book is FUCKING incredible and EXCEPTIONALLY thought provoking... essentially women alone develop a power of electric shock etc. and then take over the world from men, and it explores feminism and the balance between equality & tipping the scales in the other direction. Written by a friend of M.Atwood in a similar tone to handmaids tale, I would say? Content warning; there are some exceptionally graphic scenes in the latter half of the novel.

Hamlet by Wllm Shksp - I can’t believe it took me this long to finally read it but Ophelia is my favourite name in the entire world & we love to see a woman go batshit (although she didn’t deserve that).

Catherine House by Elisabeth Thomas - this was unsettling in the best sense of the word... it was a little slow & honestly more of a concept than a big reveal, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I finished it? A Secret History vibes but make it blurry like the memory of all those dystopian novels you read when you were young?

The Invisible Life of Addie La Rue by V.E. Schwab - This is without a doubt my book of the year, and probably the best book I read in 2020? I stayed up all night on a friend’s couch reading it, got a book hangover and reread the ending, and then thrust it upon my mother who doesn’t usually read but read this, and loved it just as much. HIGHLY recommend and you HAVE to read it, it’s beautiful and endearing and just plain wonderful.

Captive Prince by C.S. Pacat (3/3) - I went into this knowing it was going to be terrible, because I had received a blow by blow telling me as much; although I must say that it did learn a remarkable amount of new words, the books did get better as the series went on, and it did have a rather charming ending? BIG content warning for almost everything.

Sapiens by Yuval Harari - mind-expanding & must recommend for everyone, there is everything in this and I daresay everyone should posses this kind of knowledge? I listened to it as an audiobook (which I recommend because it’s rather hearty) but will be buying this in hardcopy & rereading it with annotations.

Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller - Without a doubt, one of the most beautiful novels I have ever read, and certainly the most beautiful portrayal of the story of Achilles and the battle of Troy I have ever seen. Patroclus deserved the justice that was given to him in this book; indeed, all of the characters were written with justice and grace. Highly recommend.

Trials of Apollo by Rick Riordan (3/5) - Apollo is my favourite Greek God, and the sexiest greek god, and Rick Riordan’s writing slaps, as always. It did pain me to see Apollo, the sexy immortal, have to be forced back into a 16 year old’s body but everything else? Whimsical & wonderful, as expected.

These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong - a retelling of Romeo and Juliette, except it’s set in Shanghai in the 1920′s, and the protagonists already have a history. Very well done, characters are incredibly diverse in race, sexual orientation, gender, and ability / disability (and honestly, representation has never appeared so effortless and elegant). Also it includes a monster and possible magic. Incredibly underrated and highly recommend.

The Once and Future Witches by Alix. E Harrow - this was such a unique concept, and truly captivating, the story was charming, and felt like the kind of beautiful fairytale you would read as children but with more grit? ABSOLUTELY recommend this one

The Pisces by Melissa Broder - I hated this so much, not my vibe at all. Mermaid smut x therapy but make it cynical and judgemental (I know there was a moral in there but that’s not my point) also the dog dies.

Library of the Unwritten by A.J. Hackwith (1/2) - really interesting & unique concept (all unwritten novels / ideas reside in a special library that is part of Hell and then sometimes the books can come to life) however, my first thought upon reading this was “this reads as if it’s stemmed from one of those writing prompt tumblr posts” bc of the tone and whatever and as it turns out I was somewhat correct, it did stem from a short story (not bad just obvious). It did kind of settle down as it went on but I found reading it kind of a drag, and I don’t think I will read the second one.

Abandon by Meg Cabot - 1. Meg Cabot’s writing always fucking slaps 2. Hades and Persephone but make it modern & very 2000′s & somehow kind of unique 3. I literally loved this, sue me

Medusa Girls (Sweet Venom) by Tera Childs - Like Percy Jackson except they are descendants of Medusa so they are Gorgons and have fangs & venom (hence the title). Gave me very 2000′s vibes? Quite cool but tbh I found the books quite short (like two hours each, if that)? Do NOT read the GoodReads description of the book before you read it, you will spoil it for yourself.

Bring me their Hearts by Sara Wolf - In my opinion, this is one of the most underrated YA series I read in 2020. The heroine is endearing, self aware, witty, and loves to look pretty even while kicking ass which in my opinion is an incredibly underrated trait. Also, immortality without being hundreds of years old? VERY sexy. HIGHLY recommend.

A Deal with the Elf King by Elise Kova - High commendation to be given for the fact that it is a standalone and yet manages to fit in the plot of what would usually be a full fantasy trilogy without cutting corners or being a million miles long? Also sweet storyline & beautiful ending? If you liked ACOTAR you should read this as a “what would have / could have been had SJM had a different editor” (No shade I promise).

The Iron Fae by Julie Kagawa (4/4 + novellas) - Incredibly detailed faerie set around the modern world & our current use of technology & iron in it. Very neat adventure-style series, by the time I read the last novella I was well and truly done with the world (aka provided enough content to be fulfilling). Was definitely aimed at a younger audience though, NO smut / smut was brushed over.

The Modern Faerie Tales by Holly Black (3/3 SS) - This is technically the prequel to Cruel prince, set in the modern world, but with the fae world inside it as it traditional? All I have to say is that it is excellent & I highly recommend it.

Bridgerton series (The Duke and I) by Julia Quinn (9/9) - I read this after watching the Netflix show twice through and I am obsessed, although the books were not quite as elegant as the show, and some parts that made me cringe either by their portrayal (it is very firmly set in the 19th century and thus some things are not handled with tact or grace), the characters were exceptionally loveable and I am so excited to see where the show takes them! Lovely language & an abundance of words I had never seen before (always a plus).

#the number of these which I hate with a passion now #fuck my life #HATE SJM #MAD about grishaverse #ASHAMED of bridgerton and the feminism leeched from my soul after reading this

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theladyofdeath · 4 years

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Alone in the Ashes {15}

A Court of Thorns and Roses fanfction, characters belong to Sarah J Maas. Modern au. Revolves around Nesta x Cassian, Feyre x Rhysand, and Elain x Azriel. Other characters appear throughout. Based on multiple prompts sent in by anons tbr below.

Warning: Mature content. Alcohol abuse, verbal abuse, drugs, sex, language, eating disorders.

For summary & chapter index, click > Alone in the Ashes {Acotar}

Word Count: 3.4k

A/N: Sorry it took a few extra hours - the chapter was too short so I had to decide what I wanted to add in from chapter 16! Enjoy~

Comment to tell me what you think, or to be tagged! x

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” - Stephen Chbosky, the Perks of Being a Wallflower

Cassian couldn't think straight.

That anger, that motherfucking anger, was creeping up on him.

Tomas.

The bastard that sure as hell wasn't good enough for Nesta, was staring at her like she was a piece of meat, a prize to be won. Cassian wanted to hit that look right off his face.

“Aren’t you the guy that moved in across the hall from her?”

He was drinking a beer and had been ignoring Cassian until now.

Cassian gave him a short nod.

“What, you two friends now?” Tomas asked, looking back at Nesta. “I thought you hated him. Said he was annoying as fuck.”

Nesta ignored his question, his comment. She asked, quietly, “Where the hell have you been?”

Cassian stilled. The fact that she still cared made him nauseous. Maybe he was in the wrong, but he thought Nesta had forgotten about Tomas long ago. Thought he had helped her forget about Tomas a long time ago.

“Adriata,” he said, shrugging. “Went along the Coast. Surfed.”

“You just fucking left,” Nesta gritted out. “Without saying anything because I hurt your fucking pride.”

Cassian had taken her home that night, when Tomas had abandoned her at the nightclub.

“Needed some time away,” he said, simply, and smiled.

Nesta wouldn't look at Cassian.

He had yet to touch his whiskey.

“Did you miss me?” Tomas asked.

Nesta looked at Cassian, then she turned her back to them both.

He couldn’t tell what was going through her mind, didn't want to know what was going through her mind. If he knew, his anger would only grow.

He kept watching Tomas.

“What time do you get off?” Tomas asked, continuing his interrogation.

“Late,” Nesta answered.

“I’ll wait,” he said, grinning.

Nesta looked over her shoulder at him, then at Cassian. Her eyes were hard, unreadable. She didn’t tell him to fuck off, didn’t tell him to go to hell. Instead, she said, “I’m on break. Be back in five.”

She left, leaving Cassian to stare, dumbfounded, after her. Before Tomas could say anything more, Cassian tossed some cash next to his untouched drink and made his way into the alley, where Nesta was standing, leaning against the wall, lighting a cigarette.

Unsurprised by him storming in, Nesta didn’t bother to look up at him as he stopped in front of her.

“What the fuck?” he asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, voice monotone.

Cassian shook his head. Maybe he’d gotten everything all wrong, read the signs all wrong. All the time they had spent together the last few weeks - maybe it was just for sex, something to fill the void for her after Tomas left.

Maybe now that he was back, she had no need for Cassian anymore.

He raked a hand through his hair, calming himself. “Are you coming over when you get off?”

Nesta looked tired. “I don’t know.”

“Because Tomas will be waiting for you?” he asked, before he could think twice about it.

Her eyes narrowed. “Fuck off, Cass.”

He shook his head, laughing, humorlessly. “What am I to you?”

She didn’t answer.

“I asked you a question,” he said, voice low.

Nesta blew smoke into his face. “I don’t owe you an answer, so fuck off.”

Cassian took a step back, feeling as if he’d just been slapped. “Alright. Fine.”

He started walking away, back toward the sidewalk, where he stopped. “I’ll leave my door open, when you get off. If you don’t show up, I’ll take the hint.”

Nesta said nothing.

Cassian walked away.

He found his bike, the one he’d finished that morning, near the other side of the building before strapping on his helmet and speeding away.

That anger, that fucking anger, crept into his mind, into his soul, and he couldn’t control it. They were doing so well, getting along so perfectly, until that fucker waltzed in, pretending like nothing ever happened. Cassian remembered the first day he’d met Nesta, when Tomas was there, and she was a fucking mess. High on Mother-knows-what, hungover, depressed. Now he was back, and Nesta shut down, pretended like Cassian no longer existed. And he had thought that things had changed, that she and him were starting to…

Unimportant.

It was unimportant, didn’t matter anymore.

Maybe she was just surprised, thrown off by Tomas’s unexpected presence.

Cassian tried to push the anger away.

He would go home and do what he said he would - leave the door unlocked, wait like a pathetic jackass who felt too strongly for a woman like Nesta Archeron.

So that’s what he did.

And just after midnight, he heard low voices outside of his apartment. Drunk on whiskey, he opened his door, and found Tomas stumbling into Nesta’s apartment.

He met Nesta’s gaze, but it was like looking into a never ending abyss. Empty. Dead. An endless void.

She watched him, though. Watched his eyes go wide, then harden. Watched his jaw lock as he shook his head. “Hint taken,” he slurred. “Fuck you, N-Nesta.”

She didn’t flinch, didn’t hesitate, didn’t act like the words affected her at all. But she watched him, those empty, stormy blue eyes - watched as he took a step back and slammed his door shut.

That anger returned, rising at an uncontrollable speed.

He threw his glass, still holding a thin layer of whiskey, against the wall in his living room, where it exploded into shards of glass, dark, caramel colored liquid raining down the ivory wall.

“Fuck!” he yelled, and Bryaxis was instantly up from his bed, following his master down the hall.

Cassian stomped into his bedroom and tossed himself onto his mattress where Bryaxis instantly was, knowing his father was having an episode, knowing he couldn’t control the anger, that hated anger.

The pup pulled himself over Cassian’s abdomen, laying his chin on Cassian’s chest, paws outstretched. Cassian closed his eyes, told himself to breathe.

That anger lingered, even as he calmed, but Cassian told himself that it was all his fault.

He had started to fall in love with her.

And no good ever came from falling for a woman like Nesta Archeron.

~~~~~

Rhysand awoke to his bed creaking, just after midnight.

Feyre had hurried out of the room, down the hall. He heard the bathroom door shut.

He picked up his phone off the nightstand and opened his messages, where he had missed five texts after falling asleep early.

Three were from Cassian.

Feyre’s sister is a bitch.

Whiskey is good. I like whiskey.

Where the fuck are you and Az you little lovesick fuckers.

Rhys made a mental, uncertain note to give Cassian a call in the morning.

The next text was from Azriel. It was a picture of Mila, who was wearing the new pink Batman pajamas Rhysand had ordered her online. Beneath the picture read, Mila has been jumping across all the furniture all night, pretending to be Batgirl. At one point, she body slammed me. It was all fun and games until I got kneed in the balls.

Rhysand huffed a laugh, pulling up the last text that was from an unsaved number. Your ring is in. You can pick it up at your earliest convenience.

He quickly deleted the message as Feyre swept back into the room, bare body outlined in the dark, starlit room.

“Sorry,” she whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay,” he said, watching her climb across the bed to him. “Cassian was having a drunken, mental breakdown, it seems.”

He put his phone back on the nightstand as she asked, “Because of Nesta?”

“Seems so,” Rhysand muttered, as Feyre fell back against the pillows. He climbed over her body, and her arms wrapped around his waist. “Who knows.”

Feyre rolled her eyes. “I won’t be getting in the middle of that mess.”

Rhysand chuckled, kissing her, softly. “Go back to sleep.”

“Yeah,” she whispered, hands wandering down to his ass. “Sleep.”

“You’re going to be tired for work in the morning,” he murmured.

Feyre huffed a laugh, pushing his wild hair off of his forehead. “I’m okay with that.”

With a grin, Rhysand pressed his mouth to Feyre’s, his tongue sliding between her lips to brush alongside her own.

One last night of peace, one last night before Rhysand woke up the next morning, kissed Feyre goodbye, and got ready for himself to leave the house. Because after Feyre left in the morning, he would be going to see Tamlin.

And, it seems, he had a ring to pick up.

~~~~~

“It’s getting late,” Elain whispered, glancing at the clock.

“Yeah,” Azriel agreed, quietly.

They had been lying awake for hours, talking about everything and nothing and all things in between. Now, he could see the exhaustion sweeping over her.

“Get some sleep,” he said, smiling.

But Elain didn’t smile back. Her palm rested against his cheek, her thumb brushing over his open lips. Azriel’s own smile faded at her touch.

“Kiss me,” she whispered.

Azriel didn’t have to be told twice. He leaned in closer, pulled her to him by her waist, and pressed his lips against hers. Elain fell back against his bed, and he hovered over her, careful not to put too much of his weight on her.

Her delicate hands swept down his back, under the hem of his shirt. Her hands were warm against his skin as they crept up. Chills swept down his spine.

Elain tugged at the fabric, and Azriel leaned back, pulled his shirt over his head, and tossed it onto the floor.

Elain pushed against his chest, a silent plea for him to lay down, and when he did, she straddled his waist. Those delicate fingers trailed over his chest, his abdomen. Her brown eyes were bright as slipped off her sweatshirt, and her tanktop.

“Elain,” Azriel hesitated, his entire body reacting beneath her. “We don’t have to-”

“I want to,” she said, laughing quietly. She took his hands and put them against her body. Azriel’s hands swept up her stomach, to her breasts. His fingers brushed over the outline of her bra, careful not to catch the lace on his rough, calloused fingertips. She leaned down into him, lips crashing into lips.

Azriel had been so patient. Had taken things slow.

It was easy to take things slow with Elain. She was easy to talk to, easy to be gentle with. But in that moment, Azriel was done being gentle. His body ached for anything but gentleness.

He unhooked her bra, and she let him slide it down her arms and palm her breasts. Azriel flipped her onto her back, smile bright as she looked up at him. Azriel pressed his lips, softly, against her abdomen, and she held onto the back of his head as those feather-like kisses trailed up, tongue sweeping over her nipples, lips finding the base of her neck.

Elain’s eyes fluttered shut as she breathed, heavily, as she inched down Azriel’s shorts with her fingertips.

A soft growl escaped him as his lips found hers, once again.

“Elain.” He whispered her name between the whirlwind of kisses, but was unable to say anything more, because a loud knock came to his bedroom door.

“Uncle Az!” Mila’s little voice came through the door.

Azriel froze, then sighed, his head falling against her chest, between her breasts. Elain, unable to help herself, laughed quietly.

“It’s okay,” she whispered.

With a groan, Azriel pulled himself off of her and hopped off the bed, pulling his shorts back up to his hips. “I’ll be right back.”

She nodded, smiling fondly as she pulled his blanket up over her body.

Azriel stopped at the door, trying to collect himself as Mila knocked, again.

“Okay,” he breathed, and opened his bedroom door to find a teary-eyed four year old, clutching her blanket.

He frowned, shutting his door quietly behind him. “What’s wrong?”

She reached her arms up, and Azriel gathered her into his arms as he carried her back into her room.

She laid her messy-haired head against his shoulder.

“Bad dream,” she said, yawning, as Azriel sat on the edge of her bed with her on his lap. “Those men took mama away and she was crying.”

Azriel blew out a long, slow breath. It was impossible, trying to find a way to tell Mila what was happening without telling her that her mom was a horrible woman. Yes, he hated Amarantha, but he wouldn’t let his view of Amarantha cloud Mila’s.

“It was just a dream,” he said, quietly. “Your mama is okay in there. And she loves you and she misses you, okay?”

Mila yawned, nodding, slowly.

“Let’s get you back to sleep,” Azriel murmured, laying Mila down and tucking her in tight. “Don’t want to be tired for preschool in the morning. I love you.”

“Love you,” Mila said, eyes already closed. He patted her back, gently, until her breathing evened out; then, he backed out of her room, slowly and quietly, until he was back across the hall, sneaking into his own bedroom.

Where Elain was sound asleep.

“Ah, fuck,” he muttered, laying down on the other side of his bed.

It took him a longass time to fall asleep.

And when morning came, and he stumbled into the kitchen, Mor was already sitting at the table, grinning with a cup of coffee.

“May I help you?” he mumbled, pulling open the fridge for some orange juice.

“Took you a long time to open your door for Mila in the middle of the night,” she said, sipping from her mug.

Azriel shut the door and spun around, exasperated. “You were awake? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Mor shrugged. “She wanted you, not me. Now, what did she interrupt?”

“Nothing,” Azriel muttered. “Didn’t have a chance to….nevermind. I’ve got to run to the store to get a few things before I head to Elain’s dad’s to finish up. Mind taking Mila to school for me?”

“I’d be honored,” she said, winking.

Azriel took the orange juice into his bedroom and got dressed. He had pulled on a hat over his messy hair when Elain woke up.

She smiled sleepily at him.

“Good morning,” he said, quietly.

“Good morning,” she repeated. “Sorry about last night.”

Azriel smiled. “Don’t be. It was late. I’ll be done around noon. Can I come get you for your lunch?”

“Please do,” she smiled, and he kissed her forehead before walking out.

Mor’s grin followed him until he was out the door.

~~~~~

After Feyre left, Rhysand had run to Tamlin’s office, but he wasn’t in, yet, and wouldn’t be until ten. So, he drove down the strip until he came upon a little, local jewelry shop.

He was welcomed by the owner, an elderly man, who was smiling broadly behind the counter.

“I see you got my message.”

Rhysand smiled. “Couldn’t wait. Can I see it?”

The owner went to the back of the shop and came back with a little black velvet box. He handed it to Rhysand, who opened it with shaking fingers.

It was perfect.

Simple, he couldn’t afford too much, but he knew she would like it. A thin, rose gold band with a small, pear-shaped diamond.

“I can make the first payment today,” Rhysand said, closing the lid. “I can take it with me today, though, right? Even if it’s not paid in full?”

“Of course,” the man smiled.

Rhysand slipped the ring into his pocket before making his payment, thanking the owner, and leaving. He wasn’t sure when he’d ask, but he figured he would know when the moment felt right.

All he knew was that he was in love with Feyre. He had always been in love with Feyre. There was no one else he would want to ask to spend the rest of his life with him.

As he got into his car, he pushed the idea into the back of his mind and put the ring into his glove box.

At nearly ten, he was driving back down the strip, until he was parked in front of Tamlin’s father’s building, where Tamlin got a job for simply being his father’s son.

Rhysand didn’t wait. He got out of his car and walked into the building, heading straight for the elevators.

He rode up to the twelfth floor, where the receptionist greeted him with a smile. “I told Mr. Lewis you stopped by. He said to send you in when you come back.”

Rhysand nodded his thanks and went through the winding halls until he was in front of Tamlin’s office door. He didn’t bother knocking.

Tamlin looked up, one brow raised, as Rhysand entered and sat in one of the armchairs on the other side of his desk.

For a moment, neither of them talked.

“Gad to see you’re healing,” Tamlin said, with a small, snarky smile. “Not surprised to see you coming to my office. Can’t get your ass kicked here.”

Rhysand shook his head. “I came here to talk to you like a fucking man. We’re not in high school, Tamlin. I’m not like you. I don’t go around looking for trouble like a fucked up teenager.”

Tamlin’s pride wasn’t hurt. That smile remained as he cocked his head. “I liked when Feyre came to my apartment the other day. How very chivalrous of her. Reminded me of simpler times, when she warmed my bed, not yours.”

“Don’t talk to me about Feyre,” Rhysand said, trying not to let the words bother him. “It’s sad, really, how your need to make her miserable has come this far.”

Tamlin’s smile faded. “I love her. All I do is for her.”

“That’s bullshit,” Rhysand said, shaking his head. “Feyre loves me, and you cannot stand that you lost her. When, in reality, it’s all your fault. You pushed her away with your pride, your incessant need to be in charge of everything, her included. And now that she’s finally happy, you can’t stand it. Because it’s me, the person you hate the most, who is making her happy.”

Tamlin didn’t move. He watched Rhysand with a deadly calm, one that Rhys matched as he propped his elbows on the armrests and leaned forward.

“I’m not afraid of you,” Rhysand went on. “I never was, and I never will be, but Feyre doesn’t deserve to live with you constantly looming over her shoulder, so you will back the fuck off.”

Tamlin, to Rhysand’s surprise, grinned. “She’ll come back to me, no matter what I do. She was with me for almost a decade. She’s with you now because you were around, and she was lonely.”

The words struck a nerve as Rhysand’s worst nightmare was voiced by his greatest foe.

But he didn’t let it show. “Will you still be saying that when Feyre becomes my wife? Because she will. Soon. I’ve got a ring, I plan to propose, and you’ll be the first person I tell when she says yes.”

Tamlin was up from his desk and storming around the corner where Rhysand met him, on his feet.

“Ask her to marry you and you’ll be looking worse on your wedding day than you do right now,” Tamlin spat.

He jabbed Rhysand in his broken ribs, and the pain was excruciating, but Rhysand was ready, this time. Rhysand elbowed Tamlin in the jaw before pushing him back onto his desk and holding him down by his throat. His laptop fell off, along with a giant stack of - what Rhysand assumed - important documents.

“You’ll leave us alone,” Rhysand said, gritting through the pain that shot through his body. “You forget that I know you, Tamlin, that I’ve known you for your entire life. If you want to keep the glamorous life you have, your dad’s money, you’ll leave us the fuck alone. If you ever cared for Feyre, you’ll leave us the fuck alone. And, if you don’t, I will personally destroy you. So leave us. The fuck. Alone.”

Rhysand slammed Tamlin’s head back into his desk one last time, for good measure, before storming out.

Tamlin didn’t come after him.

~~~~~

tag List (to be tagged, comment or send me an ask!)

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@empress-ofbloodshed @starkovsnesta

Prompts:

{ “I’m gonna fuck you so hard that you forget you ever met that asshole” - Feysand } -anonymous

{ “How about Nessian needing to fake date when they go home for the holidays?!” } - anonymous

{ “could u pls do like an elriel fic where azriel is like this mysterious bad boy and elain is a goody two shoes lik aaaaa i cant get that image out of my head” } - anonymous

#acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #sjm #fanfic #fanfiction #nessian #feysand #elriel #modern au

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highqueenofelfhame · 4 years

Text

acowar reread thread

so i think i’ll update this post every few chapters unless anything super major happens that i want to immediately react to, that way you get my commentary but i’m not totally flooding and flooding and flooding your feed with a super super long post. i think i’m going to edit it under the cut and reblog it every time it gets updated and i’ll also number every update so it’s easy to find where i left off. if you guys prefer the other way i’ll transition back to the other way for acofas.) this is super fun i’ll start doing this for more books if you’re interested, including books i read for the first time. (after acofas, crescent city is next and it’ll be my first time reading it!)

UPDATES UNDER THE CUT.

1) chapters 1-5 I’ve read up through chapter five and so far my favorite thing is just how DONE feyre is with literally everyone in the spring court. the amount of times she’s had to like look away and not roll her eyes is just hilarious, her dry inner monologue, she just made a comment about having to remind herself to laugh and not strangle tamlin while they were dancing at the summer solstice and it just is so funny to me.

i miss rhys. but the few times they’ve spoken through the bond is enough to tide me over. he told her he loved her once and i sighed out loud. i’m such trash for this bitch.

feyre hijacking the summer solstice ceremony is COMEDIC GOLD. like you kNOW ianthe was fuming and furious and trying to save face the best she could but like hats off to feyre man. her character development from book one to where we’re at in book three is fantastic. she’s not a simpering little girl anymore, she’s a bad bitch and she kNOWS she’s a bad bitch and it’s just.. fucking great.

i also, as much as i don’t want to, feel for lucien A LOT. i think a lot of his behavior is heavily influenced by how he’s been treated by tamlin for most of his life and i feel genuine remorse from him and the fact that he can like tell something is up but isn’t saying anything just shows, to me anyway, how much remorse he’s genuinely feeling.

also alis knowing that something is up is just a testament to how attentive she is as a faerie and a friend and i really love that about her.

“I was the nightmare” YAS BITCH. FUCKIN YAASSS.

2) chapters 6-10 feyre is so goddamn clever. the entire time she’s bringing down the spring court she’s witty and fierce and clever and really just iS THAT BITCH, HUH?

i don’t like jurian but the fact that he still has compassion within himself for his kind despite being literally insane for being just AWAKE and aware for like 500 years is... nice and pleasantly surprising because i feel like you wouldn’t think that of him being that he’s siding with hybern so that he thanked feyre when she tried to get the children of the blessed out of there... i don’t know why i’m bringing this up, it’s just something that stuck out to me and that jurian also vouches (to feyre) about rhysand’s character and how decent of a person he found him to be. it’s just very interesting and i feel like speaks leaps and bounds about rhysand as a person.

feyre pushing tamlin to explode again... just CHEF KISS. like she really thought of everything. she thought of everything to internally make his sentries doubt him and then completely hate them by orchestrating the ianthe vs sentry debacle. she made herself seem very compassionate and kind and and showed tamlin and ianthe for what they were by doing genuinely so little. like all she did was make them show their true colors on their own and it didn’t take tOO much manipulation. idk feyre is just incredible in the spring court.

forcing ianthe to hurt herself and molding her mind to make her think she’s always afraid is so much better than just outright killing her.. (if i remember from my last read, it doesn’t hold up, but the thought is there and it’s genius) I also think that this shows a lot about feyre and her character because despite everything she couldn’t just leave lucien alone with ianthe and the unwanted advances. she stayed and fought for her friend (and by extension her mate) even when lucien wouldn’t really fight for her and so feyre is just a fuckin real one like... she’s the kind of friend that you want in your corner.

killing the hybern twins: glorious. such badassery from lucien and feyre both.

and i think it’s nice that she let lucien come along with her on her journey back to the night court despite maybe not wanting to but i also think that she knew if she left him behind he could get in serious trouble or wind up dead and so again, i think it says a lot about her character as a person.

3) chapters 11-15 i’m kind of reading and recapping every 50 pages or so which typically ends up being 4-5 chapters and it’s a good system so far so we’re gonna keep it up!

the first thing of like, real substance to comment on is lucien saying his father will kill feyre for wielding his power but feyre just responding with “he can get in line.” like her sass is sO GOOD In this book, especially in the spring court chapters.

uhhh big fuck you to eris, i don’t know why people want him to have a redemption arc, he is literally a fat sack of shit that deserves to burn and i’m not sorry for saying so. he’s abusive and cruel and doesn’t deserve like, anything at all. although i will say good on him for balking a bit when feyre revealed she’s high lady.

CASSIAN AND AZRIEL SUPERHERO LANDING ON THE ICE AND KICKING ASS!! I remember vividly the relief i felt when cassian showed up and was able to fly and i still felt so much victory when it happened again. it’s one of my favorite moments of the book so far and just really gets me. also feyre just dropping the “I’m high lady of the night court” bomb is DELICIOUS and i can’t get enough. i read it like six times. because you know as soon as the illyrians yielded to her that the autumn bitches were like “shit.”

“My love.” kILLS ME. you guys, i’ve only read this book once but i’ve reread their reuniting multiple times because it’s just so soft. rhys is so goddamn soft. he loves her so fucking much. i want rhys to call me my love and lick my tears away. goddamn.

something i think about a lot is how in acotar when tamlin had feyre alone after months of torture he just tried to fuck her despite knowing things weren’t safe. however, knowing she was home and safe, rhys didn’t try for that immediately. like yes, they kissed, but there was so much conversation before they fucked that it just, says a lot about their relationship. tamlin also always demanded to know everything about feyre’s visits as soon as she was back, not even bothering to kiss her hello but rhys was like ‘that shit can wait’ AND THEY’RE ABOUT TO GO TO WAR. rhys loves her so wholly that he wanted to make sure she was okay before he ever bothered to ask about the spring court and how everything unfolded the last few weeks. idk i’m trash for rhysand, y’all. let’s make that a shirt.

the way that rhys threatens lucien, “i won’t bother to explain it again, and i will rip out your fucking throat.” is so sexy. like how casual it was, so sexy.#ripmythroatoutrhysand

amren being a bedtime story but irl is just a cranky aunt lmao.

nesta’s ferocity is, yes, frustrating, but also so heartbreaking to me. for a very long time i had a really rough relationship with my sister and i can see my own sister in nesta (who, by the way, would murder me if she found out i said this so, kara, if u see this, i love u endlessly and i love nesta with my whole heart) especially nesta’s behavior more so in acofas which i’ll talk more about when we get there. but i just, i feel for her man. she’s been traumatized and life as she knows it has been ripped away from her and some people respond to trauma with bite. and i know it doesn’t make it right or okay but it still just makes me feel for her.

cassian and nesta’s banter just gODDAMMIT SLAYS ME. i cannot wait for an entire fucking book of this shit and an entire book of their back and forth. i think nesta loves him and doesn’t know what to do with it because she’s scared so she’s acting like a cornered animal. like nesta is a snake that will strike when cornered and threatened and i just god i can’t wait for their book.

elain... broke my heart a lot more than i remembered. as someone in the midst of my worst depression i find myself able to relate to that hollow and empty feeling like...all too well and it struck a cord and i almost cried at how empty she was.

4) chapters 16-29 there is the whole meeting at amren’s apartment and cassian defends nesta, saying that he understands her actions, her snark, why she is the way she is, and it just honestly reinforces my love for cassian. i don’t have much to say about it but that i just really love the respect that he has for others. more cassian things: feyre brings up again how even broken and literally bleeding out and on the ground with his wings completely shredded he was still crawling toward nesta and reaching for her and trying to get to her. “because i can’t stay away.” fucking cracks my heart open every time.

i love everything about the first family dinner back together. i love all the banter, i love that nesta sat in and even contributed to dinner conversation a little bit. lucien being so uncertain of the dynamic is hilarious. amren like opening herself up in a way to nesta and telling her that they’re the same, and to make sure her eruption is felt across worlds, i love it. i’m marking a lot more from amren than i thought i would. cassian at one point, he points to az and says “don’t try to blend into the shadows” and it actually made me chuckle to myself because hE DOES THAT. and it’s funny that cassian calls him on it.

i don’t think nesta gets enough credit (for like anything, we all been knew i’m a slut for her and stan her with my life) but even as broken and angry as she was she did still offer to help explore magic that she doesn’t want and got as a result of trauma so that she can try to help. she isn’t completely useless. and i like that she has backbone and isn’t just a pushover little bitch. (that isn’t directed toward elain. like i previously mentioned, i’m finding that i relate a lot to her in her current state.) i just mean that i’m glad she sticks up for herself and doesn’t just like, do what people tell her to do. ya know?

rhys being so open to feyre pushing back on him about things like, again man. tamlin erupted and got angry, rhys is like “hell, i deserved it.” just, the differences in their relationships and the toxicity that comes from tamlin and the devotion rhys has for feyre is (say it with me) DELICIOUS.

i also like that just because feyre is high lady that the IC doesn’t just like flop over and bend down and take shit (i’m looking at you, spring court.) like cassian isn’t afraid to be like “you pissed me off by sacrificing yourself.” because he cares. LIKE, AGAIN WITH HIS DEVOTION. his loyalty is just so pure. it isn’t blind but it is pure and i just, god i love it.

also everyone forgets that azriel has a dry ass sense of humor and i don’t see any of y’all writing it into your fics. “In order to fly, you’ll need wings” he said drily. IT’S DELICIOUS. dry humor is some of the best. and i like that feyre is learning more and getting to spend more time with him.

5) chapter 20-27 this one will be a bit of a dump because i accidentally read too much today so far to try to catch up from my lack of reading yesterday so... oops.

“Let’s see what names you call me when my head is between your legs, Feyre darling.” ugh. i wish a mans would say that to me. not really. i wish rhys would say that to me and only rhys. maybe rowan. or aaron warner. or cassian. or -- you get it.

amren is SO FUCKING FUNNY without doing it on purpose. like genuinely hilarious. “she’s fine. stubborn as an ass, but as you’re related, i’m not surprised.” rOAST THEM. also amren makes nesta almost smile and she makes her laugh all in the span of like ten seconds AND nesta almost smiles when amren brings up cassian. coincidencE? i tHINK NOT.

again with rhys soothing her nightmares. like god it’s so good i dont even have to say anything else abt it.

feyre realizing that the bone carver is her and rhysand’s son. SO GOOD. like SERIOUSLY SO GOOD. and this doesn’t matter at all rn but i think that rhysand’s son has the potential to be more powerful than even him but that’s a thing to get into for another time.

EVERYTHING THE BONE CARVER SAYS ABOUT NESTA. also that it’s directed at cassian is very interesting and i think the bone carver knows they’re mates. like i wonder if cassian is seeing what feyre sees: his own son. WOULDN’T THAT BE INTERESTING. “How she calls to you.” also the comment about “what did you wake that day in hybern, prince of bastards?” what did cassian wake. the wording here is interesting and i have... a lot of questions. does anyone else just also really fucking enjoy the bone carver as a character? like he’s excellent i’ve never read anything quite like him.

“nothing about nesta could frighten me” UGH MY NESSIAN HEART CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT.

also cassian stepping it later when nesta is furious with rhysand about the flying. like, one when he sighs and says she’ll never fly again is just... funny and adorable but how nesta was charging for rhys and he casually stepped in front of her and he talked her down. “It was amren’s fault, of course, but no one believed me. and no on dare banish her.” like just babbling a bit to bring her back down to earth. absolutely fascinating and delicious that it worked, wouldn’t you agree? ;)

court of nightmares is always a pleasure. fuck eris.

also later at the town house when amren and mor and rhys are kinda going at it a bit and cassian gets nesta’s attention and nesta sidles over to him without questioning it... like. god if they aren’t endgame i’ll never read an SJM book ever again and i wholeheartedly mean that.

so i’ve seen the posts about amren being an angel i’m not sure if you guys have but yeah i think that’s a really solid theory. i think she very well could be a biblical angel because she mentioned that according to some they were perfect, that they laid waste to twin cities (sodom & gamorrah if this theory is correct) and she also mentioned yielding her grace and that she would fall. she also says she was a messenger and soldier assassin for a wrathful god ruling a young world and all of that, in my opinion, lines up with a lot of what is in the bible and what christians believe to be true. so i really really like this theory, i doubt it will ever be outright confirmed, but i think this is going to be my canon tbh.

elain is.... out of her mind. it’s fucking weird everything she says is so cryptic and odd. like it’s just weird. i don’t think she’s insane and i can’t remember exactly where elain’s storyline goes in this book but like... rn it’s just weird and cryptic and a little unsettling and also interesting that she only really responds directly to azriel because everyone else she kinda ignores but she talks to him. interesting.

6) chapters 28-49 clearly i accidentally read A LOT so we have a lOT Of ground to cover.

NESTA WAS TOTALLY CHECKING CASSIAN OUT AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

azriel has fucking jokes, man. page 303 (hardcover us edition) “That pine tree wasn’t there a moment ago.” “Judging by its size, i’d say it’s been there for ... two hundred years at least.” feyre even notes that he has a dry sense of humor and it comes out more when they’re alone. i can’t get enough of it. i wish he talked more.

“Cassian finished the muffin, licking his fingers. I could have sworn nesta watched the entire thing with a sidelong glance. He grinned at her as if he knew it too.” i just love nessian so much i’m going to point out all of their cute reactions this is turning more into a nessian reaction thread SUE ME.

I think that nesta has a lot of regret and guilt over her life.over how she treated feyre because it comes out when nesta brings up to feyre that she didn’t know she couldn’t read (and again at the high lords meeting when she says they would have starved if it wasn’t for her.) i think she feels deeply and just doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t know how to express it.

When they almost get taken in the library, and cassian gets there and nesta “launches herself at him.” my heart. she was scared and she didn’t care she was just so relieved. like fuck me up that’s the shit i like.

nesta asking where cassian is the moment they get back from the battle in adriata and she was worried and scared for him. later when she does see him i think this is when the mating bond clicks into place. it’s page 398 and she says “You didn’t come to -” and then cuts herself off. they have a really fucking intense moment. cassian takes her hand and laces their fingers and they don’t really say anything for a beat until he says “Next time, emissary, i’ll come say hello.” but his voice is low and rough when he says it. “The world seemed to go utterly still at that interrupted sentence, nothing and no one more so than cassian.” i think this is when it clicks for him. maybe not for nesta but definitely for cassian.

RHYSAND RIPPING TAMLIN’S ABILITY TO SPEAK AWAY LIKE YES WE STAN A MOTHERFUCKING KING. fuck tamlin. fuck eris. and fuck beron. also nesta defending cassian in the high lords meeting (page 438, because beron calls him a bastard.) again, i’m just saying, she’s defending her fucking mate i can’t deal. feyre also exploding in the meeting and rhys just being like “You’ve proved your point, my love.” SO DELICIOUS. “I made her high lady because i love her. her power was the last thing i considered.” like fucking hELL that is how you treat your woman.

after the meeting, helion being like “You handing eris’s ass to him will be my new fantasy at night, by the way.” DELICIOUS. fucking hilarious. 10/10 recommend helion as a high lord and a mans we love to see it.

also cassian being so concerned when nesta starts to have that feeling about the cauldron being used before the wall gets shattered.he didn’t doubt her feelings for a second, i mean no one did, but he was completely unyielding when he sensed her fear and immediately looked for any sign of an immediate threat.

nesta saying she’s never worn pants and cassian saying “i have no doubt you’d start a riot if you did.” he’s thinking bout that ass. also cassian giving her a quick lesson in defense before they yeet off to the human lands to see graysen and his family. IDK I REALLY LOVE NESSIAN OKAY?!

7) chapter 50-the end. i accidentally finished the book. oops.

super intersted in nesta’s powers and if she is a witch. i can’t remember acofas at all and if nesta’s powers manifest in that book but i’m eager to see if the fracturing of the cauldron didn’t effect whatever powers she took from it. i think that could also be part of what ultimately is wrong with her on top of all the trauma.

nesta helping cassian after that first battle when his wrist is hurt. she didn’t take no for an answer and helped him and it was just really soft until mor showed up and cassian pulled his hand away. i’m conflicted about what it means to be totally honest. what it means for his feelings for nesta and what it means where mor is concerned. i don’t love how morrigan treats nesta and cassian’s... relationship? but i don’t dislike mor. i think she’s dealing and coping and has her reasons that we will likely find out about.

“Only you can decide what breaks you” is something i’d like to get tattooed. i dont really have anything else to add to it.

i was sobbing during rhys’s battle speech to everyone. i dont rlly have anything else to say about it other than i’m emo.

nesta saving cassian. again i don’t have shit to say about it other than like it makes me so emotional. she just started blinding screaming, hoping that he would come. i can’t even begin to think what his death would have done to her.

the bone carver smiling at feyre before he did hits a very specific piece of my heart and i’m not sure why or what but i had chills all over my body.

cassian telling rhys to let him return the favor/repay the debt. HURT. another thing i cried over. like shut the fuck cassian AIN’T NOBODY DYIN TODAY.

tHE Nessian moment to end all nessian moments when they would die together. like big fucking wow. you can’t tell me they’re not mates. that they don’t love each other despite how complicated all of it is. like cassian is so soft in the most unique way for her because he knows she bites and he lets her and he bites back and i just think it’s what he needs.

“tell the high lord to leave out a cup for me” AMREN SHUT UP. like fucking christ i teared up then too because i really really love her character. she’s unique and funny and dry and cranky and i just love her so much.

i’m tired of rhys sacrificing himself. there, i said it. i cried like a fucking baby and of course he woke up being a snarky little shit.

i love the end of this book. i don’t know what i’ll do with myself until january when the next one comes out. i’ll probably go back to the other format for my next read through because it’s easier and less longwinded and i think you guys liked the other way better. anywho, thank you for coming along on this lil journey!!

#acowar #acowar reread #acotar #acomaf

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kayliemusing · 3 years

Text

42: top 3s

1: Top 3 ice cream flavors - classic vanilla, birthday cake/birthday batter, bubblegum

2: Top 3 Disney Movies - Mulan, Onward, Soul (but this changes frequently lol)

3: Top 3 vacation destinations - I've never been outside of my home country so I'll say my top 3 DREAM destinations: NYC, Hawaii, a random countryside in either France or the UK

4: Top 3 places to shop - Dynamite, Sephora, Winners/Homesense

5: Top 3 subjects of study/classes to take - English/anything creative writing related, Interior Decorating/Design, Communications?

6: Top 3 make up products - YSL Touche Eclat Foundation, literally any Mac Lipstick but it has to be matte, & Fenty Beauty contour stick

7: Top 3 music artists - Taylor Swift - Of Monsters and Men - The Lumineers

8: Top 3 spices/herbs - Cinnamon - Nutmeg (literally tastes like autumn) - Paprika

9: Top 3 drinks - Diet Coke - Hot Chocolate - Vanilla Bean Frappe

10: Top 3 apps to use - Instagram - Pinterest -iBooks

11: Top 3 months of the year - May, October, December

12: Top 3 clothing items - My black/white turtle neck, high waisted jeans, plaid blazer

13: Top 3 binge perfect tv shows - Bones, Supernatural, Brooklyn Nine Nine

14: Top 3 romantic dates - (I've never been on a date but if I had, it would be this) Evening walk, late night drive, late night coffee date (tbh anything at night feels romantic)

15: Top 3 kinds of flower - Water lilies, cherry blossoms, roses

16: Top 3 christmas movies - A Christmas Carol (2009), Home Alone, The Polar Express

17: Top 3 OTPs - Nesta and Cassian from ACOTAR series by SJM, Manon and Dorian from Throne of Glass series by SJM, Casteel and Poppy from From Blood and Ash series by JLM.

18: Top 3 quotes to describe your life - "I write not to find, but to leave" by Scherezade Siobhan - "I want to be myself again. I want to be six. I want to stop knowing everything I know" by Catherynne M. Valente - "The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get" by Joanna Hoffman.

19: Top 3 characteristics you love about yourself - my kindness bc it's not surface level kindness, but actually something deeply rooted within me - my resilience even tho sometimes it doesn't feel like resilience - my loyalty bc it is a hard as steel kind of loyalty

20: Top 3 kinds of candy - Maltesers, Kit kats, smarties

21: Top 3 ways to exercise/ be active - Walking, dancing, mowing the lawn/shoveling the sidewalk

22: Top 3 spirit animals - wolf, hummingbird, tiger (i googled it bc i didn't know and i was scared it was a joke but)

23: Top 3 petnames - I like 'lovebug', 'love', 'sweetheart'

24: Top 3 books read outside of school - The Hating Game by Sally Thorne, A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J Maas but viewers discretion is advised, Crush by Richard Siken

25: Top 3 most used websites - Youtube, Tumblr, Pinterest

26: Top 3 people you last texted - my mom, my bestie megan, and my sister bc they're the only people i text...

27: Top 3 hashtags you use - the only time i use hashtags is if i'm trying to promote some of my writing so I'll usually use writingcommunity, writersonig, poetryonig lol

28: Top 3 instagram accounts you follow - Trista Mateer, Griefmother, obviously taylor swift

29: Top 3 guilty pleasures - buzzfeed quizzes, early 2000s music, romance novels

30: Top 3 summer activities - Going to the zoo, long evening walks, campfires and s'mores

31: Top 3 things to draw/doodle - hearts, flowers, random swirls bc it's the only thing i can doodle...

32: Top 3 aesthetics - cityscape aesthetic, autumn aesthetic, rustic aesthetic

33: Top 3 things you'd buy if you gained three million dollars - a new car, a condo, another cat

34: Top 3 ways to treat yourself - facial, a large bag of maltesers, buying the makeup i really want but have been putting off

35: Top 3 celebrity crushes - Evan Peters, Matthew Daddario, henry cavill

36: Top 3 books from your childhood - Love You Forever by Robert Munsch, The Big Friendly Giant by Roald Dahl, and Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmens

37: Top 3 accents to hear - Australian, super poshy british accent, new zealand accent

38: Top 3 scents - Fresh rain, vanilla, sweet cinnamon pumpkin from bath and body works

39: Top 3 "Friends" quotes - "WE WERE ON A BREAK" -Ross, "Guess things were just going too well for me" -also ross, and "it's so exhausting waiting for death" - phoebe

40: Top 3 cupcake flavors - tbh I haven't tried that many cupcakes so your typical vanilla, chocolate, and Pink Lady Cupcake from Babycakes Cupcakery

41: Top 3 fruits - Pomegranates, Strawberries, Raspberries

42: Top 3 places you've had amazing pizza from - Pizzahut, Dominos, Pizza73

43: Top 3 sports teams to watch - i don't

44: Top 3 crayola colors - uh, i guess red, purple, and pink??

45: Top 3 things you hope to accomplish in college - Certificates/Degrees in Copyediting and Creative Writing, and I think simply just deeper critical thinking skills when it comes to writing and books

46: Top 3 fanfictions you've read - I read more books than fanfics, I've read a couple on tumblr but don't remember the names sorry :/

47: Top 3 people you miss right now - my dad, my best friend bc she's in vancouver, taylor swift bc she's not on tumblr anymore rip

48: Top 3 fears - Failure, Loss, not achieving anything in life/not reaching my full potential

49: Top 3 favorite literary devices - Foreshadowing is always god tier, cliffhangers although evil i love those too, symbolism

50: Top 3 pet peeves - People dragging their shoes on the floor when they walk, when you tell someone your fav hobby/music artist/interest and they immediately go 'oh I hate X!', and people who go 'you're so quiet!!!' but in a way that draws in more attention and/or makes me feel more uncomfortable like i would literally rather die

51: Top 3 physical things you find attractive - Hands, nice hair, defined jawlines

52: Top 3 bad habits - Nailbiting, picking at my blemishes oops, lip biting

53: Top 3 pets you've had/wish to have - Cats bc they complete me, I've always wanted a Samoyed, and I've always wanted a turtle

54: Top 3 types of foreign food - Chicken Chow Mein, deep fried shrimp, japanese chicken wings

55: Top 3 things you want to say to someone in your lifetime - 'I quit', 'I love you', 'you changed my life'

56: Top 3 dog breeds - Samoyed, german shepherds, collies

57: Top 3 cheesy romance movies - You've Got Mail, How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, 10 Things I Hate About You

58: Top 3 languages you speak/wish to speak - French, Sign, and maybe Japanese?

59: Top 3 series (book, movie, television) - The Cruel Prince series by Holly Black, A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas (but literally only for Cassian and Nesta), From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L Armentrout

60: Top 3 pizza toppings - Mushrooms, alfredo sauce, pineapple

61: Top 3 youtubers you're subscribed to - Game Grumps, Charlotte Dobre, Megan Batoon

62: Top 3 tattoo / piercing ideas - I want to get a tattoo on my wrist of the last thing my dad ever wrote me, a hummingbird tattoo right next to it, and then a cross on my index finger

63: Top 3 awards you want to win - National Book Awards, Nobel Prize, and maybe even Goodreads Choice Awards lol

64: Top 3 emojis - Laugh/Crying emoji, the please sir emoji that kinda gives off those puss n boots eyes, and the stars emoji

65: Top 3 cars you dream of owning - 1970s Chev Impala, tbh a cute little Hyundai Venue, and maaaaybe the 1964 ferarri 250 gt luso (idk if that name was totally right but i had to do tons of googling to find it. i don't know a lot about cars and i don't really have a top 3 lol)

66: Top 3 authors - Right now I'm really into Sarah J Maas, Sally Thorne, and Holly Black maybe?

67: Top 3 historical figures - Jesus, Anne Frank, Vincent Van Gogh

68: Top 3 baby names - Ryder, Leila, Gracie

69: Top 3 DIYs - Candles, refurnishing old furniture (i.e. my mom and i painted our wooden garbage can), and really just any type of autumn diy

70: Top 3 smoothie combos/flavors - Strawberry/Banana, Mango, Strawberry-Mango

71: Top 3 songs of this month - Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish, Biblical by Calum Scott, and Visiting Hours by Ed Sheeran

72: Top 3 questions of this post you want to be asked - I did them all bc I made it a survey instead of an ask meme ;)

73: Top 3 villains - Regina/The Evil Queen from Once Upon a Time, Cruella De Vil, and Moriarty from Sherlock

74: Top 3 Cities you want to see - Montreal, NYC, Vancouver (honorable mention: LA)

75: Top 3 recipes you want to try - different kind of salad and/or burger bowls, Stuffed bell peppers, and homemade lemon loaf

76: Top 3 dream jobs - Bestselling author, the person who runs a companies social media accounts, youtuber/blogger

77: Top 3 lucky items - tbh don't have one

78: Top 3 traditions you have - Christmas Eve Service and if I don't go to that at least incorporating reading the christmas story on christmas day or eve, idk if this counts as tradition but going to the corn maze every fall, and whenever it's easter/christmas/thanksgiving we always have a big meal w/ family

79: Top 3 things you miss about being a kid - reckless abandon, dreaming about growing up with hopefulness and no dashed hopes, experiencing holidays like halloween and christmas as a kid

80: Top 3 harry potter characters - I've never read or watched Harry Potter rip (ok well i saw the first and second (and maybe third?) movie in the sixth grade I think) but I think I really liked Hermoine, Harry obviously and Dobby

81: Top 3 lies you were told - i don't have 3, but this one has a story but basically when my sister and i were in elementary school my sister got hit by a car and so the insurance thing was that she would recieve 10k when she was 18 and as a child i thought that was unfair so my dad told me that my sister had to split it with me when we were 18 lmao obviously that didn't happen (i think i realized that wasn't true in middle school)

82: Top 3 pictures in your camera roll right now - Pictures of my cat, one of my sister in a hilarious filter, and a picture of my rocking my TS merch

83: Top 3 turn ons - Kindness, defined jawline, easy going

84: Top 3 turn offs - arrogance, unkempt, super loud and obnoxious

85: Top 3 magazines/news papers/ journals to read - I don't read much of those so I'll tell you some sites I love for writing purpose's: there's Wellstoried, justwriterlythings, springhole.net (which is filled with generators if you're stuck and also tons of infomation and advice)

86: Top 3 things you wish you had known earlier - that toad in Mario Party was wearing a mushroom hat and that it is actually not his head, that immaculate means 'clean' before i misused that word like several times over the years, and that the one turn i always take on my way to work where i thought everyone didn't know how to drive was actually bc i didn't have the right of way rip me

87: Top 3 spongebob episodes - the one episode where spongebob and patrick find a ghost ship, that one episode where they form a bikini bottom band and perform it at a football game in a little fish tank, and the one episode where squidward has his first snowball fight

88: Top 3 places to be in the world - I'd love to be in NYC, Montreal, or Hawaii

89: Top 3 things you'd do differently - I would not have applied for RDC, similarly I should have just paid the 500 dollars to the one certificate program I wanted to do instead of overthinking it, and I wish I wouldn't have ended a friendship the way I did

90: Top 3 TV shows from your childhood - Spongebob Squarepants, That's So Raven, and Hannah Montana

91: Top 3 meals you love - Turkey Burgers, Chilli, and Instant Pot Chicken Tortilla Soup

92: Top 3 kinds of tea - i don't drink tea

93: Top 3 embarrassing moments - one time in sixth grade I tripped and fell right on my face in front of my crush, this other time like a couple years ago i opened the door to my car and only realized much too late while i was staring at this random family that it was not my car, and when i went to the gas station to get gas and couldn't get my gas lid on my car opened and this guy had to help me which was already embarrassing enough but then the gas pump wouldn't work so i had to go inside to pay just to realize i forgot my wallet and had to shamefully walk back to my car and then run back inside the convenience store and then pay and then walk back to my car and finally fill my tank.

94: Top 3 holidays to celebrate - Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving

95: Top 3 things to do in the rain - have an existential crisis, pretend you're in a music video, walk through puddles like you're six again

96: Top 3 things to do in the snow - Sledding, Build a snowman, shovel it even tho you don't want to

97: Top 3 items you can't leave the house w/o - phone, keys, wallet

98: Top 3 movies you'd like to see - Jurassic World 3, Hotel Transylvania: Transformania bc i'm a child, and the animation of the addams family

99: Top 3 art mediums - Writing fiction/poetry, painting, music

100: Top 3 museums you've been to - Royal Tyrell Museum, Canadian History one in edmonton lol, and heritage park in calgary

101: Top 3 school memories - Middle school dances when the popular kids would grind to the song "Low" which was always an interesting experience, in the twelfth grade at winter formal when we all shouted "SHUT UP AND DANCE!" at the same time when they played Shut Up and Dance, and the day i left

102: Top 3 things you don't/Won't miss - School, my sisters ex, 2016 bc she was a rough year yikes

103: Top 3 pick up lines - "My name is Will. God's Will.", "I'd like to take you to the movies but they don't like you bring your own snacks", "are you from tennessee bc you're the only 10 i see"

104: Top 3 sports to watch - none of them

105: Top 3 taylor swift songs - all too well - exile - coney island

#survey

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rosegoldannie · 4 years

Text

Living a lie

A Rowaelin Angsty/fluffy Hollywood!Au fic with a happy ending.

Also I had an idea for a quarantine TOG or ACOTAR fic. Comment which couple I should write it about! Also on a side note, my birthday was a few days ago, and now I’m 16!

Masterlist

They were living a lie.

In public, they were loving, and affectionate, and the couple that absolutely everyone wanted to be. They would walk down the street, Rowan’s hand around her waist, and smile for the cameras. She would smile, kiss him, and gush over her husband, how he was everything she could ever want. How their life was a blissful paradise.

Home was a nightmare. A neverending nightmare. They fought constantly, never able to go more than a few hours, maybe a few days if they really, really tried, without some form of an argument. And that was exactly where Aelin found herself yet again, fighting back tears, on her birthday no less. Reaching for her favorite eyeshadow, she contemplated how she, a twenty-three year old, found herself near-sobbing at the thought of attending her first major movie premier. Near sobbing, and not with joy.

Her emerald gown was set across her bed. Yes, her bed. Recently, they had been fighting so much that she couldn’t stand sleeping in the same room as her husband, but had been totally unwilling to stay with a friend. Something about the finality of that set her stomach turning. As if it were announcing to the world - because one way or another, if she spent the night at a friend’s, the whole world would know - that their marriage was over.

As she finished up her makeup, a single tear slipped out, which she quickly swept away, not having the patience to touch up the ever so slightly smudged makeup. She stood, making her way over to the bed, where that damn dress lay waiting . The gown whispered cooly against her arms, sliding smoothly over her skin. She sighed, almost wanting to forgo the entire event, and spend the night with her dog, a pint of ice cream, and maybe, just maybe, her husband.

There was a slight knock, then- “Can I come in?”

Aelin sighed through her nose, some strange sense of dread settling further in her gut, and turning the roasted salmon she’d had for lunch to lead. “Yeah.”

Her husband slipped through the doorway, and her jaw nearly dropped. Those pine eyes which were almost always so very cold were warm,and gentle, and brimming with love. He was in sweats, and clutching a bouquet of sunflowers, a box of chocolate, and a small, velvet box. “Happy birthday, Ace.” He murmured. On any other day, Aelin would have sobbed, and thrown herself into his arms absolutely showering him with kisses and sweet murmurs, because by the gods, Rowan Ellys Whitethorn, who rarely remembered what day of the week it was, let alone the date, had remembered her birthday, and all of her favorite things. But this wasn’t any other day. And she didn’t jump into his arms.

“What the hell are you wearing?” She rasped through the tightness in her throat.

Rowan blinked, the warmth in those green eyes cooling ever so slightly, as mild panic filled them. “What? Were we going out tonight?”

A sense of panic washed over her. “Yes! My premier? We have to leave in twenty minutes!” Some small part of her roared that this was why they fought: He didn’t listen to her. Didn’t hear her. She had been raving about how excited she was for this for weeks. He knew how much this night meant to her, and yet… he still forgot.

His face visibly fell as he placed the gifts on her bedside table, and slipped from the room. All the while murmuring that he would be ready to go soon. She nodded, telling herself that she trusted him enough to pick out his own suit, which was most definitely not a way of avoiding having to see his tattoo, and everything it promised and implied. Even though she couldn’t avoid it totally, as it weaved and snaked its way up the side of his face. But still. The most painful part was hidden under his clothes. For her eyes only, he had murmured in her ears years prior, whilst they were intertwined between the sheets and so irrevocably in love. Oh, where had the passion gone? The heat? The love?

Twenty minutes later, they were in the throes of yet another screaming match.

“If you had told me before hand, maybe-”

“Don’t pull that shit with me, Rowan. You have all your shit organized. There’s no way you could fuck up this badly on accident.”

“And? Did you forget I’m colorblind?” She flinched, and he paused for a moment before continuing. “Did you forget because it isn’t something in your phone?” Again, she flinched. Because he was right; she had forgotten that he was colorblind and she was an awful person for it.

Regardless, those gold-ringed Ashryver eyes hardened. “There is absolutely no way this is an accident.” She held his gaze as she gestured to his black shirt, green tie and jacket, and black pants. While he’d definitely had worse red-carpet outfits, she was still upset. Partly because this was her first premier in which she was the sole star, and partly because of a word that had been whipping around in her mind for days.

“Alright, fine! I was trying to match your dress but I ran out of clean clothes.” He snapped. Something small cracked in his voice, and there was such desperation that she had to clench her eyes shut.

When she finally opened her eyes, she forged ahead and prayed. “Ro, we have to talk about it. This isn’t fair to either of us.” Rowan inhaled, and she waited for the barrage of pleas and promises, but they never came. He only sighed, clenched his jaw, and nodded. And something within her cracked, something ancient and primordial which had long lain dormant within her, roaring that he couldn’t just give up.

But they weren’t what everyone thought.

The entire world thought they were perfect.

The entirety of their families thought they were blissfully in love. Even Aedion.

But they were miserable.

She - truly - didn’t know who said it, only that during one of their fights a week prior, someone had screamed at the other that if things were truly so awful, then they should file for divorce. And for the last week, it had been the only thing on her mind. She was young, young enough to find love again-

Aelin damn near gagged at the thought, unable to even look at her husband for several long moments, even as a metallic, revolting taste remained in her mouth for a long while. “Are you happy? Like this?”

The driver of their limousine called back that they would be arriving soon, and they chorsed back their thanks.

He at last semi-met her gaze. “Am I happy?” He repeated, as if not totally processing the words. “I’m not unhappy.” He murmured, eyes trailing over her, over the shoulders exposed by her gown, to her lips painted a dark red, to her jewelry. His pine-green eyes trailed down to her hand, and the blood drained from his face. “Your ring….”

Confusion lanced through her, until she followed his gaze. To her empty ring finger, a band of pale skin where that silver and emerald wedding band always sat. To where she had forgotten to put it back on after her shower. Then the panic set in, a thousand different scenarios playing out in her mind. What actually occurred was so, so much worse.

Somehow, he paled even more, then clenched his eyes shut. A single tear slid down his cheek, which her fingers itched to wipe away, as their limousine pulled to a stop in front of a mob of flashing cameras and shouting reporters. Silently, she begged him to yell or scream, or beg her for another chance. Anything at all, any show of emotion. All he did was let out a soft, “Oh.”

Her panic rose, as she internally begged him to meet her eyes. “Ro, please.” She pleaded, her small voice cracking on the last word.

Those eyes snapped open, and her heart clenched at how utterly unable to read the boundless emotions swimming in them she was. “No.” He murmured, gently taking her hand, and pushing open the door. “We’ll talk about this at home. Tonight is your night.”

And so their masks slipped into place, even as her chest tightened to the point of pain. Together, they weaved through the crowds towards the red carpet. Arm in arm, ever the perfect couple. They even paused to pose for the paparazzi, Rowan wrapping an arm around her waist, and pressing a seemingly sweet kiss to her forehead. But she felt it for what it was: a goodbye, and an apology. Her heart began to crack.

Then they were pulled apart, and it could have been her imagination, but it seemed as if he seemed eager to be away from her. Nevertheless, she was whisked away by a reporter, who was shoving a microphone in her face, and a camera flashed brightly behind him. “Mrs. Whitethorn, how does it feel to be the star of your own movie?”

“Amazing,” She answered robotically, “it feels like a dream.”

“And are there any mini-Whitethorns on their way to us?” He teased, shoving that damn microphone further into her face.

And suddenly she was nineteen again, wrapped up in Rowan’s hoodie, curled up in his lap in their favorite armchair, back in their crappy, old apartment with the leaky faucets and drains that never really drained.

“What do you think of children?” He murmured, nestling his face into her neck.

Aelin pulled back, giving him a coy smile, even as her gut erupted in butterflies, and a warm feeling seeped through her every limb. “I absolutely detest the idea.”

Rowan pouted, eyes pleading with her teasingly. “Oh really, and why is that?”

Grinning devilishly, she leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips. “Because I already have a man-child of my own, whom I love very much.” She then pressed another kiss to his soft, precious lips, and wrapped her arms around his neck.

Groaning, he pulled her impossibly closer, and she adjusted her position so that she straddled him, and plunged her fingers into his hair. Rowan’s strong hands trailed up and down her thighs, exposed by her athletic shorts that she wore purly to torment him.

After a long while, he reluctantly pulled back, his eyes serious. “In all honesty, what do you think of having children? With me?”

Again, she grinned, and again she attacked his lips. “I’d love them.”

She was pulled out of her reverie by a gentle arm snaking around her middle from behind, a chiseled chin coming to rest on her shoulder. Almost instantly, tears welled in her eyes for a multitude of reasons. When was the last time she had even considered that day? And how so very much she wanted children, with no one but the man wrapped around her. Her face flushed. And she prayed that Rowan didn’t notice, or if he did, that he thought it was simply from the constantly flashing.

Rowan smiled deeply, but his eyes remained sad on a level only she could see. “No, I’m afraid not.

The reporter sighed, then proceeded to hammer them with more questions, until they finally made a respectful exit and rushed into the theatre. And now, curled up unceremoniously in the plush chairs in front of that giant screen, she felt as if she might be sick.

And then the movie began.

There was one scene - only one - that she could barely stomach watching. It was when her love interest, played by Dorian Havilliard, was brutally whipped, as her character screamed in the background. It was all too similar to the worst night of her life, where she had watched her best friend had been so brutally killed. How she had been locked in a small, lightless room for weeks, listening helplessly as Sam was-

It was as if he had sensed her distress, for she had never truly told him what had occurred those weeks she had been missing from school, that his warm, gentle hand came to cautiously rest over hers. And when she didn’t push him away, he slowly drew their intertwined hands into his lap, to fully enclose her small, nimble hand in both of his. Hot tears slipped down her cheeks. It had been so long, and yet he still remembered

Once it had passed, Aelin breathed a sigh of relief, as her favorite scene was coming up, in which she - as Liliana - got to leap off a cliff, and soar through the air after escaping her captors. That scene had been such fun to film. Smiling, she thought back to the day she had filmed that, and had returned home so happy and excited that she and Rowan had actually had a pleasant evening, in which she had told him all of the details of the film.

Slowly, she glanced over to Rowan under her lashes, and was surprised to see him staring awestruck at the screen, tears rolling freely down his tattooed face. And it was as if the fog which had been clouding her mind, her eyes for months…. It was if that fog had lifted, and she saw him. She truly saw him.

Pride, love and awe were abundant in his incredible eyes.

And she simply couldn’t help but to press a kiss to his hands.

Rowan jerked slightly, his head whirling towards her, his handsome features comically surprised and confused. Aelin cracked a smile, and snuggled into his side. Immediately, he wrapped his arms around her and it felt like coming home.

And as the movie carried on, she allowed her mind to wander, back to their most recent fights in which that wretched word had been flung.

“I never see you.” He spat, pinning her in place with a livid glare.

“I come home every night, I made sure that-”

“You stay here, but I never see you. It’s like you’re avoiding me.”

She crossed her arms and huffed.

Rowan pursed his lips. “So you are avoiding me, then.” He shook his head, eyes lingering on the fireplace behind her, rather than actually on her. “Can I ask why?”

Aelin shifted slightly. “Because I’m tired of fighting with you.”

“Really?” He scoffed, those chiseled features hardening. “Then why do you find fault with every damn thing I do?”

“I do not.”

“Yes you do.” He hissed. “When I went to pick you up from the set last week, you refused to come home.”

“Because I had a meeting.”

“That you didn’t tell me about. I had told you I wanted to spend the evening together.”

“No, you didn’t!”

“Yes I did, Aelin. You were just on your phone.”

“And? I’m busy, Rowan.”

“Yeah.” Rowan huffed, crossing his arms. “Don’t I know it.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“That you’re always on your phone! You don’t listen to me!”

Fury began to set her blood boiling. “Oh, I don’t listen to you?” She shouted, face growing redder with each passing second. “You don’t hear a thing I say! It’s like I’m married to a brick wall.”

“You’re really comparing me to a brick wall? Are you serious, Aelin? You downright refuse to even be in the same room as me. You refuse to communicate with me. Hell, half the time you refuse to even acknowledge that I exist! Let alone the fact that I’m your husband.” Hesitation shone in his eyes for a brief moment before dissipating. “Half the time I wonder if growing up in Terrassen really did turn your heart into ice.”

Aelin could barely school her face into neutrality. “If you really feel that way, then maybe you shouldn’t have proposed to me.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have.”

“No. You shouldn’t have.”

“So then you agree. We shouldn’t have gotten married.”

“No. No we shouldn’t have. It was a mistake.”

“Finally we agree on something.”

“Finally.”

Well. Since we both agree, I guess that means getting a divorce.”

“I guess it does.”

Suddenly she was blinking rapidly against the bright lights that now illuminated the luxurious theatre, as the credits began rolling across the screen. And the very first name upon that lengthy list was her own, scrawled in her cursive-printed combination handwriting that had so annoyed and upset her middle and high school teachers.

There was a loud, high-pitched squeal as a flurry of arms, legs, tulle, fluffy skirts and red-golden hair came flying at her, clambering down over the rows of velvety seats to wrap her thin arms around her and bury that scarred, adorable face in Aelin’s impeccably styled hair. And following close behind were several of Aelin’s close friends.

“Hello, Evangeline.” She chuckled, hugging the little girl back with equal fervor.

“You were amazing!” The girl squealed, beaming from ear to ear.

“Aww, thank you. You’re too sweet.”

“She’s right, Ace.” A deep voice murmured from behind.

Aelin whirled, after setting Evangeline safely down, to see Aedion. Clad in a crisp tuxedo, his hair brushed, and for once in something other than a hasty man-bun. “You made it!” She squeaked, throwing herself into her older brother’s arms.

Once they separated, he was grinning. “Of course! I couldn’t miss your first premier.” Then his grin turned positively sneaky. “And I brought friends.” Then out stepped Lysandra and Elide, and Aelin saw her friend’s boyfriend off conversing with Sartaq and Dorian.

The three women shrieked in joy, instantly wrapping themselves into a clustered hug. After only a second, Elide let out a squeak, as she didn’t even come up to either woman’s shoulder, and they leaned down to include her.

After they had at last pulled apart, Nesryn, Manon and Yrene came up to introduce themselves, followed by their respective partners. Once Aelin had introduced them to her childhood friends, and had established a flowing conversation, she looked around for her husband, the urge to speak with him nearly overwhelming.

Mild panic began to fill her when she didn’t see him anywhere in the theatre, so she excused herself and rushed as quickly as her stilettos and dress would allow. Bursting through the thick door, Aelin scanned the foyer for that telltale green suit jacket and white hair, but again, she didn’t see it anywhere. And again, she rushed as quickly as she could into the lobby of the theatre, once again scanning the crowds, but once again she didn’t find him.

That mild panic quickly rose and filled her, blurring her crappy vision - worsened by the fact that she had forgotten to put her contacts back in after her shower - and filled her eyes with tears. Quickly, she wiped them away and smudged her makeup, and rushed out of the lobby, into the cool night air, where hundreds of paparazzi instantly began snapping countless pictures of her.

Stumbling backwards, she rushed back into the lobby, and rushed for the back entrance, tumbling out towards the garbage cans. By now, her hair had come out of its beautiful waves and was now a messy, unkempt rats nest.

Any inhibitions she had gave way when she leaned against the slimy, brick wall and slid down to the ground, burying her face in her knees as the hot, hopeless tears began to freely slide down her cheeks. Her dress caught on a chip in the bricks, and ripped, exposing a portion of her scarred back. A new wave of tears began, and she tugged at her hair.

What had she done? How had she let him believe that she didn’t love him, that she truly wanted a divorce? And who could blame him, she had been a total bitch. She had yelled at him for his greatest insecurity, the one thing he was self conscious about. And all because he hadn’t worn what she wanted. And that was after he had brought her everything he knew she loved, because the man who would forget his own name had remembered her birthday, and had tried to make it special for her, because he loved her. And she had yelled at him.

So, really, was it so surprising that he had left? He had seen her empty ring finger, and thought that she was leaving him, that she truly did want a divorce. But…. she didn't though. Sure, things weren’t great, but… there was no one person responsible for it. At one point, they had simply stopped communicating, and simply expected the other to know or do things that they had no way of knowing.

She had stopped truly communicating with him, but Rowan had kept trying to reach her, and each time she had shut him down and berated him for it. And so, he had stopped trying.

Letting out a high whimper, Aelin wrapped her arms around herself as the chilly air soon seeped into her bones. Yet another wave of hot tears streamed down her face, but she again swiped them away, rubbing viciously at her eyes. When she pulled her hands back, she found that they were smeared with a mixture of eyeshadow, mascara and eyeliner, and Aelin knew that she most likely looked like a sleep deprived raccoon. Sighing, she used the hem of her dress as a tissue and again wiped at her eyes.

Overhead, the clouds rumbled ominously and rain began pelletting the ground around her. Again, Aelin sighed, and stood slowly, making to walk towards the street so she could order a taxi-

She froze. A taxi to where? Home? If Rowan was really leaving, he most likely was back at the house, packing her things. If she made it home, she could talk to him, convince him…. Convince him of what? That she deserved him? That she deserved a second chance? After everything that had happened, did she really even deserve a second chance? All she had done recently was find fault with every single thing he did, and make him unhappy. He deserved so much more than her.

But…. he had promised her. He had promised that no matter what happened, he would always love her. And he had meant it, because he had stayed by her side, failed audition after failed audition. Hell, he had even been the one to suggest that they move out to california once she had finally landed a role.

Sighing, Aelin hung her head as a painful revelation came over her: that she didn’t deserve a second chance. He deserved someone who wouldn’t close themselves off and leave him alone. He deserved someone who knew his insecurities and didn’t hold them against him when he made a mistake. He deserved someone else, someone better. Someone who wasn’t her.

The light drizzle became a full-fledged rainstorm, and she turned, making to go back to her corner, where she would be sheltered from the rain behind that rancid garbage can, but her stiletto gave a sharp crack, and she tripped into a puddle, soaking her dress.

She cursed, drawing her foot closer, to inspect the damage. The heel of her shoe had snapped clear off, her dress had begun to rip at the seam and was now soaked and stained with garbage, and her leg was now splattered with mud.

Cursing, Aelin stumbled back over to where she had spent the previous several hours: behind the dumpster.

No sooner had she resumed her earlier position, the door flew open, and she retreated further behind the dumpster, curling into a small ball. Whoever had come through that door stomped around for a good while, and then the door creaked open again.

Then she heard a sharp gasp, and her head jerked up.

Rowan, looking as dishevelled as she had ever seen him, was crouched before her, his tie completely undone and the top several buttons of his now wrinkled shirt unbuttoned. “Aelin,” He murmured, leaning forward to put his suit jacket around her. “What the hell-”

She interrupted him by throwing herself into his arms. “I’m sorry, Rowan.” She whimpered. “This is all my fault, I should never have shut you out, and I promise that if you choose to give me a second chance I’ll do better.”

“Whoa-whoa what?” He pulled back slightly, brushing the knotted hair from her face, and wiping away some dirt on her cheekbone. “What do you mean? This isn’t your fault, and why the hell are you out here?”

“I-I thought you had left, because… Fuck, Rowan we’ve been fighting so much, and…. And last week we all but said we were going to get a divorce, and all I’ve done for the last I don’t know how long is yell at you, and earlier when you saw I didn’t have my wedding ring on, I thought that you thought that was me saying that we’re done, but I promise that I don’t want that and if you’d only let me explain that I forgot to put it back on after my shower. But if you’ve already decided that we’re done, I promise that I’ll respect that and you’ll never have to see or hear from me again.”

Slowly, she watched him process what she had said, as he scanned her face. “Aelin… no. No, I don’t want this to be over, and of course I’ll give you another chance. That goes without saying. I know how busy you’ve been, and I’ve tried to be supportive, but I know that I’ve been distant. I had wanted to tell you that if you were willing to give me another chance, I’d be everything you’ve ever wanted.”

Silver began lining her eyes, and she pulled his jacket tighter around her to ward off the chill. “Rowan, I love you. You never have to ask for a second chance. You’ll always have it, no matter what.” Her cheeks reddened, and she found it hard to look at him. “Because, Ro, I…. you’re it for me.”

In less than a second, he had pulled her into a tight hug, wrapping himself around her. Hot tears began to dampen what little of her gown hadn’t already been soaked, but she didn’t care, because Rowan was here, and he still cared.

When he at last pulled back, his eyes were red and puffy. “You’re it for me too, Aelin. You’ve always been it for me.” With that, Rowan leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to her cold lips. After only a few moments, he made to pull back, but she gripped his shirt, and pulled him back to her, and she pressed her lips to his.

And as his arms wrapped around her, she knew she was home. With his lips moving sweetly against hers, it was as if they were seventeen, and sharing a kiss behind the bleachers at a highschool dance.

Once they had finally parted, she couldn’t help the words that tumbled out of her mouth. “You still love me, right Ro?”

Confusion filled his gaze. “Of course.”

“But then….why did you leave me?”

“What? I would never leave you.”

“Yes, you did. After the movie, I was looking for you and you were gone. I looked everywhere.”

“After the…? Aelin,” He smiled sweetly, cupping her cheek, “after the movie I went to the bathroom. I never purposefully left you. I’d never do that.”

She blinked. “So you’re saying I’ve been out here for no reason?”

Rowan grinned, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “You always did have a dramatic flare. It’s part of why I love you.”

Humming, she leaned into him. “I missed you.”

Another kiss was pressed to the crown of her head. “I missed you too, love.”

It wasn’t easy, and it most definitely didn’t happen overnight, and their fight in the limousine wasn’t their last, but they rebuilt their relationship. It took a lot of counseling, a lot of tears, a lot of talking, and a lot of patience, but, well over a year later, they were once again happy and in love. Some days were better than others, and it was by no means perfect. But they were happy.

Balancing work and their personal life wasn’t easy, and there were still many times that one person accidentally began shutting down communication with the other, but they now made a point to spend time together, and to schedule weekends off so that they could relax. Another improvement was that Aelin was no longer sleeping in the guest room.

Only a few weeks after her premier, she and Rowan had decided to move into another house, as they both agreed that it would be too difficult to repair their marriage in the house that had some so close to destroying it.

Now in a new house in the suburbs, Aelin felt as if they had been gifted with a fresh start, and another chance together.

Several months later, nearly two years after her premier, as they were wrapped together under warm sheets and in each other's arms, buttery sunlight streaming in through the large windows, with her head tucked under his chin, she smiled a secret smile, her thoughts drifting to the growing secret within her belly, whose existence she would soon reveal to her husband. But for now, she roused him gently from his light slumber. “Ro. Ro, wake up. I want to tell you something.”

“Mnggh.”

She could simply grin, and attempt to rouse him again. “Please, it’s important.”

One green eye slipped open. “Wa’sit?” He slurred, pulling her closer.

Bracing her elbows on his bare chest, she traced his collarbone with her fingertip. “I’ve been thinking about something for a while, and...I’ve come to a decision.”

Now he was awake. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes with his free hand, he met her happy gaze. “What do you mean?” He murmured, fingers combing sweetly through her hair.

Resting her chin in her hands, she gazed into his eyes. “So….I’ve been thinking that even though we’ve talked about it, and you’re completely fine with my acting career…”

“Mmhmm…” He hummed, smiling slightly.

“I’ve decided that I’m going to retire early, and get a real job.”

His eyes widened comically. “What?! B-but you love acting! Why-what… I’d never want you…. Aelin, you can’t! You-this is your dream job.” He sputtered, holding her gaze, and searching.

She cupped his cheek and brushed his bottom lip with her thumb. Trying to convey just how much she loved him with that gesture. “It’s my decision, Rowan. I decided to retire because I don’t like the strain it puts on our relationship.” Her husband began to protest, but she quickly silenced him. “No one made me do this. And, yeah, I know we’ve worked out ways to work through the stress my job puts on us, but… I don’t like it. I hate how we almost have to put on a facade for the paparazzi, and how absolutely everything we do is criticized and judged, and…” She took a deep breath, leading his hand to press against her stomach. “I don’t want our kids to grow up in the spotlight, where they’ll have no privacy be constantly scrutinized. I just...that’s not the life I want for them.”

Slowly, realization dawned on him, and he broke into a joyful grin, tears filling his eyes as he pressed a second hand to her belly. “Aelin, sweetheart, are...are you?”

She grinned from ear to ear, nodding her head vigorously. Rowan immediately wrapped her into a tight, loving hug and kissed her until their lips were numb and their stomachs roared for breakfast.

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