#like literally i cant fucking comprehend what anyone would like about me anymore
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3am monday morning mood
#insert garfield i hate mondays joke here#op#...........................................................................................................................................#........................................................................................................................#......................................................................................................................#.......................................................................................................................#...........................................................#............................................................#sui mention tw if you read further for some odd reason#was highkey wanting to change my mind before the date came but now im not so sure thats gonna happen#i dont have a lot of time#2 days is not enough to get a job or change my mind so i dont even know what im gonna do#i feel like im dreaming all the time#'i dont know what im gonna do' is for sure a lie though i damn well know come on now#its simple a + b = c math#(im a waste of resources) + (i dont even like being here and am not a person anymore) = (i shouldnt be here)#i think my family will get over it like none of them even talk to me anymore (not that i make it easy but still)#i have nothing that somebody else cant have or do better than me its not that big of a deal.#like literally i cant fucking comprehend what anyone would like about me anymore#everything bad about me so clearly outweighs the 1/10 times i can be funny or dependable or considerate.#im just taking advantage of others' compassion at this point#when i say 'i am not a person' i mean that with 100% sincerity#i get surprised and scared when people talk to me and have no concept of self and no real hobbies. im just empty im not even angry anymore#im beyond unhinged tbh i have zero self awareness and feel like im the only person like me that exists and im rambling-#-and oversharing all the time and talking over others because i fail to even really understand or consider what theyre saying anymore#-and simultaneously i feel too unremarkable to be worthy of life#i feel like im playing my entire life in VR like nobody and nothing here is real. none of you are even real.#this feels the same as typing in a word document i just always feel alone no matter who im talking to or what im doing#i feel like the only real person in the world and the only one that shouldnt be here#i cant even bring myself to feel scared of death. im just. nothing. even when im crying i dont feel anything at all
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I need to take time off. work. social media. my relationship. being the head of my household and lastly, being a mom.
i know people don't normally say those things but truth is, i have run my course. I m about to collapse. I am physically, emotionally tired. Claudia doesn't really understand that, because She's so used to me being up and working and providing. She doesnt understand how someone could be so drained that I just want to hide in a hole. She only hears, "you dont love me. you are leaving me. you are making me have an attack because you arent well." thats all her pea brain can comprehend. instead of thinking "hey gina isnt doing so well. shes hurting"
so let me tell you what's wrong. my brain hurts. my heart hurts. my chest always feels like its about to cave in. I feel like I am suffocating. my spine feels like it is twisting. Im on the brink of collapsing completely to the point where I don't want to get out of bed anymore. i want to literally fucking kill myself. because Sleeping forever sounds so wonderful. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want it to hurt anymore. the feeling of not having something caught in my throat anymore and not having pains in my chest. my lungs being able to breathe freshair.
what i need is, fresh air. cold air. grass. the smell in the air after rain. pet cuddles. serotonin. meditating. reading a good book. and quiet. i need quiet most of all. and im not getting the quiet. at all. not in my fucking home. not at work. Claudia, talks to fucking much. her mind races 24-7. and she needs an opinion on absolutely everything she sees and has to say everything that comes to mind, even when im not listening. and if im not listening she goes off. and thats another argument.
i'm not blaming claudia. but arguing and fighting has gotten me here. the fights and yelling. the stupid fights. because they arent justified. fighting sleeping and work. I cant tell claudia no because she throws a fit. and would i be justified if i slap tf out of her to make her shut up? because i need silence. thats all i do. argue, sleep, work, argue, sleep. work.
theres so much noise in my head. i want silence.
yesterday i had a fucking attack, ezra was watching something and they kept screaming on the video. Princess kept barking. claudia, kept snorting and all at once. and writing about it now is setting me off. so much noise.
noise. THE NOISE!!!!. doesn't anyone realize why Ezra is so quiet. how he plays quietly. because noise. I made him to be quiet. because i cant deal with so much noise. gun shots, set me off. children crying set me off. barking. the fucking barking. talking. stop talking to me. i can only handle so much noise. i lived in silence my WHOLE life.
and now, I'm going to work on myself. without social media or toxic movies. and sleep better and i will have silence.
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Hi, requests are still open right? If they are could you do Dazai, chuuya, (and if you do females) Yosano, and Kouyou headcanons where their SO is on their period or sick? I’m dying of cramps and I thought it might make me feel better mentally at least. If not that’s totally okay!
❥ Bsd characters with a s/o on her period
~Includes Dazai, Chuuya, Yosano and Kouyou
A/N: my period was done just yesterday and it literally had me crying when it came this month ._. I hope this helps you love 🥺💘— Also my little brother literally searched in front of me about the meaning of period and I was suffering trying to stop him 🤡
Dazai Osamu:
Is and will be a little bitch and tease you about it
“Belladonna how can you bleed from your vagina like that?”
“Just like how I can make you unable to reproduce children anymore.”
When he read more about it he felt so sympathetic towards you and feels bad about how he teased you at first
“I am sorry for being an asshole and I promise I will get you and give you anything you want, my love; so forgive me? 🥺”
Who can say no to this man?
Definitely not me
“WHY DOES MY BELLADONNA HAVE TO GO THROUGH SUCH SUFFERING?”
Cuddles are very common in your relationship and he adores them
So when you ask him to cuddle you because your cramps are being a bitch, how could he say no?
Gets you all your cravings in a s e c o n d
Will literally wake up at 3am and go to the store to get you anything
Always reminds you that he loves you and pampers you so you don’t get it in a foul mood
If god forbids he made you angry then he will try
Keyword: try
And calm you down
If shit goes down hill then he will hide behind anything to protect himself from you until you are at peace
He doesn’t like seeing you cry
Hell he doesn’t like pain or suffering if it’s directed to him
So if it’s directed to you, you bet your sweet booty he will go infinity and beyond to make the pain go odasaku
OMG I AM SO SORRY PLS I LOVE ODASAKU I SWEAR
So when Little Miss P comes in and goes “Hoe let’s cry for some hours!”
He will be by your side and doing anything to sooth the pain
“It’s okay, Love”
“It won’t last long”
“I am here for you”
“I love you so much”
“You are so strong and amazing for being able to handle this, belladonna”
Chuuya Nakahara:
“What’s a period?”
You sent him to Kouyou so she can explain the struggle you go through every month
Took him a while to comprehend though
When he did he ran towards you and screamed “HOW DARE YOUR BODY MAKE YOU SUFFER LIKE THAT EVERY MONTH; YOU ARE A FUCKING GODDESS, YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE HURT LIKE THAT-“
When he calmed down he had promised to make your period days the BEST by pampering you and loving you to the point
You WANT your period to come
Not saying that he doesn’t already make you feel loved
“God I want ice cream”
0.00000001 seconds later Chuuya is in front of you with three boxes of ice cream
Cuddles
And cuddles
And CUDDLES
If he slightly raised his voice at you when you are on your period
He will keep apologizing and make it up to you in any way possible
“Y/N, baby please you know I didn’t mean to yell at you, right?”
Kisses your tummy
Heating pads are always with him in case
You know that TikTok of the girl waking up her boyfriend at 12am for ice cream?
Yeah he is like that
“Babe I love everything about you and I love you but please let me sleep. The Port Mafia is already stripping away my sleep.”
“But I want cookies ༼ ◕n◕ ༽”
“Fucking cute ass cutie making me feel so giddy how dare you-“
If you are crying then he will be by your side all the time rubbing soothing circles on your back
“It will al be okay, dove”
“I am here for you,
He loves you
So much
Will give you the world if you want
Yosano Akiko:
Our queen here knows your pain
And as a wonderful doctor she already has the pain killers ready
“YOSANOOOO MY PERIOD IS HERE AND THE CRAMPS ARE-“ “I have the pain killers, let’s cuddle :)”
She is so sweet
Your cravings are always beside before you even think of asking
If you cry then she will try and make you laugh and make you forget about the pain
If laughing isn’t working then she will hug you and keep kissing you all over your face
She knows that making you angry would be a death wish
So
She is very careful with what she does around you
And if you both get your period at the same time
It’s literally a mood
Like you are both tangled in a hug on the bed like sacks of potatoes
Strongly refusing to get up and you always scare the shit out of anyone who does try that
Poor Atsushi tried it
“Yosano-san, Tanizaki is injured and-“ “CANT YOU SEE I AM SUFFERING AND CUDDLING MY PRECIOUS GIRLFRIEND?”
He never got near you guys whenever you were on your period ever since
If you are sensitive to being touched while on your period (like me but it’s only sometimes 😔
Then she will not do anything that will make you be in pain or uncomfortable
Heating pads are always ready for you, your majesty
You guys watch YouTube together and cover each other with the blankets like burritos
And take all Ranpo’s snack supply
She is gentle towards you but also hyper
“Hey cutie! How’s my strong girl doing?
“Don’t worry, I am not leaving you; I am just gonna get you some food.”
“Y/NNNNN DONT LEAVE ME; I KNOW I CAN BE SCARY BUT PLEASE STAY”
That being said, if she is on her period then she will whine if you ever
EVER leave her side
She just wants your affection
If she gets it then she is a happy bby
Aw
Ozaki Kouyou:
“KOUYOU MY PERIOD IS-“
“I have everything ready, my dear”
A damn goddess and is super duper caring like
Ma’am why aren’t you real?
LIKE LOOK AT HOW SHE IS TO KIYOKA DESPITE BEING WITH THE ENEMY
WHAT TF DO YOU THINK SHE WILL BE WITH THE LOVE OF HER LIFE?
Knows your period better than you
Will literally spoil you with anything and everything
Pads? Check. Food? Check. Comfort? Check.
If you are crying then she will be there with the tissues and kisses
“Let it out dear, it’s not good to bottle things up.”
Trust her, I have bottled shit up and ended up breaking down at the worst moments 💔
“I am always here”
If miss pain is camping in you for the night
Then she will be there to shoo her away
“What is that you desire so I can bring it to you?”
Another person who will wake up at anytime and get you anything 🥰
Bby looks so calm when she is on her period in front of people
But behind closed doors
She is a respectful whiny baby
“Dear, can I get a hug? 🥺”
And lord when she gets needy
She is literally super adorable
“Kouyou what’s wrong?”
*mumble mumble*
“Kouyou luv, I cant hear you”
“I want a kith” she said it while hiding her face with the sleeve of her kimono
AW
PLS I CAN IMAGINE HER BEING LIKE THAT
I headcanon that she gives the best hugs
Fight me about it if you dare >:(
copyright © 2020 tender-rosiey
do not copy or plagiarize or you will be reported
#anime#anime aesthetic#anime fluff#anime scenery#anime community#anime gif#anime headcanons#bsd anime#bsd dazai#dazai osamu fluff#dazai osamu#dazai headcanons#chuuyabsd#chuuya imagines#chuuya scenarios#chuuya fluff#bsd chuuya#dazai fluff#dazai x you#chuuya x reader#yosano x reader#bungou stray dogs yosano#bsd yosano#yosano akiko#bungou stray dogs kouyou#bsd kouyou#ozaki kouyou#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs chuuya#bungo stray dogs x reader
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.
literally just need to stop spending time with people bc i can’t take the whiplash of enjoying time and knowing im not entitled nor do i know how to be productive with it or be closer and it makes me clingy as fuck which means i’m being even weirder about the time and then im worried about being awkward which makes me actually awkward but im so desperate to find my group that im clingin so tightly to every little thing but i cant let myself enjoy it andnits a vicious fuckin cyxle that would resolve if i could just be normal about asking oeople to get lunch and not lose my shit about it. literally scrambling to be witty or continue conversation andni feel like im a small dragon scrabbling a pile of jewels/topics and i dont know how to makenit stop bc no one that i talk to really gets it which is the worst part because i dont have the skill language ability tact understanding to make them comprehend so every time i try to bring it up they’re just like ok so go talk to someone and it just makes me so frustrated because dont you think i want to?? i dont want to be alone and im trying to be okay with being alone which has been going much better this sem but its not something i particularly want. i dont think i know how to be a good friend anymore because im so scared of talking about myself bc i dont know when im oversharint or no linger interesting because im holding myself to an impossible standard but it doesnt help to know all these things if im still doing it. genuinely think its bc i was told how to say things and given literal sentences to respond with that i never really learned how to craft that but then again how does anyone else? im so tired and i dont want to keep feeling like this but i literally dont know what to do because i dont have the time.energy for therapy and the undoing to open up because i can’t just sit and cry for an hour each week. idt i’ve sat in therapy without feeling like im not being heard or about to cry or justnfucking wailing after and i can’t afford that. i have shit to do and peopke to try to meet that i need to maintain some homeostasis. and i dojt like drinking even though i cna with the prescriptions im on and i dont want to keep negotiating with my body and i can only pick one fight at a time. and then im baffled thatnsomeone said fucking hello to me. what the fuck its literally just a greeting and i can’t fucking pick between this roulette of what i want to unpack today. introspection is a curse andni wish i could white cis male myself outnofnit bit i canmt because fucking tiktok infected my sister and now she thinks shes a clinical psychologist and sharing her revelations and at a certain point i cannotnlook at you. im so tired and im here at 2:33 fucking out bc im alone on a ftiday night but its not about that but it definitely fucking is and lord. what are you doing. dissociating, and i say this in full seriousness, would probably help me rn. thinking about when people arent on the right dosing of anti-___meds and nf they go kinda numb and im like yeah that sounds convenient which is so ducked up butni really would liek that state of being rn
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I only needed 5 minutes...
A story of my day.
I Dunno who actually wants to read this? I wouldn't even want to. But I feel like I need to vent. The last couple of weeks have been fucked... but yesterday I ruined the day... again. I've been doing that alot lately. Almost every other Saturday since August. I hope venting makes me feel better if nothing else. I'll probably delete this later because I don't like leaving a notable paper trail of this stuff that anyone can find. Nothing but trouble comes of that. When I'm on my pc I'll put this under a read more because I dunno how to do that on mobile.
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The Holidays are almost over and I am running out of time to get done. One thing in particular, a gift, is unfortunately gone. My mom has orchestrated all of Christmas, even down to the gifts other people are getting for her... and she's not happy about it. She feels like nobody is willing to lift a finger to help her make Christmas happen. I wanted to surprise her.
She loves making soap. I'm not good at sculpture but I wanted to make a custom soap mold for her. I began with the original that would be used to make the mold. It took days upon days of trying and retrying to get it satisfactory, including one failure where my momnpoked her head in and I slammed my chin down on it so she wouldn't see, though my dad swears my mom never pokes her head into my room... but like she does???
Anyway... I finally had my original, though I think I could do better there's not much time left. I ordered a silicone mold kit and went to work... and it failed immensely. BUT there's still a little time left! I'll order another. Now THIS time was frustrating.
My mom wasn't being nosy... but literally EVERYTIME I got the stuff out to work on she would be there by sheer coincidence! Wait until she's asleep? Dad will have a coughing fit and wake her up and she'll wander out into the kitchen. Wait until she's out of the house? She never leaves. Wait until she does? She forgot something and comes home unexpectedly and I have to quickly hide my shit. She's not doing it on purpose but it gets more and more frustrating that I just can't just fucking get this done! Like... Jeebus Christmas! My dad says this doesnt happen but... it does????? And then I fuck up my second attempt. Fuck... I have less time...
But that's okay! I have enough time to order another kit! I've only spent 80$ so far with nothing to show but third times a charm!!!
Once again I just can't get the time to get this done. She's always there, or up, or poking her head in. It's almost cartoonish! But I have not time left. It has to be today.
My folks go down for an afternoon nap and I immediately get to work. I get toward the end of working, all's going well. I only need 5 minutes...
Then my dad gets up and my moms not far behind. Fuck... I can't move the mold yet... fuck. I just need 5 fucking minutes! I'm wrestling with curious cats. Fuck... My dad is useless at maybe luring my mom away. Fuck... my mom insists she needs to be in that same corner I'm working at. Fuck...! I just need five minutes!!!
Then of course disaster strikes... there's a crack or a hole in my original and silicone is leaking out! I had barely enough silicone to even make this happen! I can't afford to lose anymore! Fuck! I need to fix this! I just need 5 minutes to fix this!
I'm getting frustrated to the point I am starting to do that angry sob thing. I take it to another room now that I can move it. I just need 5 minutes to fix this! My parents follow my to the other room to find out what's wrong. Honestly my dad knows what I'm trying to do so given the context what do you thing is wrong dad? Clearly something has gone wrong with my mold. I tell him to go away cuz really I'm trying to fix this and I need to be left alone. I need five minutes to fix this... but he won't leave until I tell him what's wrong. I try to whisper it to him, the mold is leaking, I don't have enough silicone, nowhere local sells it, I can't get more in time. But his hearing has gone so he can't hear what I'm saying! He wants me to speak up but mom is just around the corner in the other room! I need him to fucking go. I'm frustrated and I tell him rudely "Just fuck off! I have to fix this!" Rude and inappropriate I know... but I just need 5 fucking minutes to fucking fix this I am sobbing at this point.
My dad leaves but of course my mom comes in next and wants to know what's wrong. I'm being very curt with her using my body to block the sight of my mess, telling her as calmly as I can, which isnt very calm, that nothings wrong, no she cant help me fix it, I'll tell her later, go back to the kitchen. I don't swear at my mother. That is important. I just need 5 minutes to fix this!
Finally the leak stops but so much silicone is on my baking tray that the mold is no longer submerged. I use a plastic spoon to get as much as I can back in the mold but it's not enough. I'm covered in silicone up to my wrist, and it's also in my hair. I put it up on a high shelf because the cats helped ruin mold #2 and sit down to mourn the loss of the only gift I had for my mom. I had no backup plans and this ones a bust.
I just need 5 minutes to calm down. I was rude to my parents and need to apologize to them, but first I need 5 minutes to just calm down and breath. Maybe I can find another gift in time? Maybe I can just wrap the original and promise in the nearish future when I can procure more silicone that she will have a mold? First I need to calm down. Then I need to apologize.
My dad comes into the room and chews me out about how rude as I was and how I need to go apologize to my mother. I hate when they do this, now when I apologize it's because I was told to, not because I took the initiative to. My folks can't comprehend I would otherwise apologize if not being told. All I wanted was 5 minutes to calm down.
I go and apologize. I am not the good guy in all of this, I am an adult. An autistic adult but an adult nonetheless, and being rude to my parents was inappropriate regardless. I didn't get my 5 minutes but off to apologize I go. "I'm sorry I lashed out guys. I was doing something, it didn't go my way, I got super frustrated and you guys were just there by coincidence. I didn't mean to lash out." I did mean what I said.
Mom didn't see it that way. My mom is very passive aggressive and honestly I get to be one of the reasons today she hates living here in this house and around us because all we do is "abuse" her physically and verbally. She hates living here and she hates being around us. I apologized again because great. Once again Kacey ruins everything. I need to stop being upset about this shit it's like every other saturday! She continues about how much she hates it here. I leave the room trying and failing not to sob.
My mom also gets up and goes to another room. Whatever she's doing is loud and she's quite verbal about it. I go back to my room, I just need 5 minutes to cry and calm down again. I still have other shit to do for Christmas too.
My mom comes by with a box and puts it on the table, with a sharpie she writes "Christmas soap fail 2020" and tells dad to take it to the basement. For context we had been making soap kits for xmas gifts. I had coworkers who got me gifts. I was dissuaded from buying them much in return because we were makin by the soap gift bags. Those where the soaps... I have nothing in return to give my coworkers. I don't have enough time... all the while my mom is still going off. Later my dad says it wasn't all my fault, he had done something to upset her earlier in the day, then my older sister, I was just the straw that broke the camels back. But honestly in this family it's whatever baby wants; baby gets." And what baby wants is to be mad at me.
I go upstairs and hide in my brother's room. Surprisingly despite the fact that my mom acts like he is one of the only people who care about her and defend her, he was the first one to tell me "Fuck her. If she wasn't going to be mad at you it was going to be something else. Now watch me play Aladdin on Sega genesis!"
After a while my younger sister came over to do her laundry. I began to quietly tell her what the flippity floop she walked in on. In the middle my mom came out and started chewy us out. Y'know, don't let her interrupt us from talking privately amongst ourselves about how much of a bitch she is. Her words not mine. And to be fair I was telling my sister about how I lashed out and caused this. But my mom doesn't like when we sibs talk privately, though she also doesn't like if we overhear what her and my dad talk about privately. Double standards I know.
I thought maybe if I explained what was up maybe she'd understand? So I out myself. I was trying to make her a surprise gift. She orchestrated ALL of Christmas and I just wanted to surprise her. Everything started going wrong and I was getting frustrated because she woke up and entered the room at an AWFUL time and I couldn't get me and my wip gift away from her seeing which made everything worse. Now one thing to know about my mom, explaining oneself is equated to excusing your behavior... and she does not tolerate that. She chews me out more. I'm sobbing again.she insists I told her to fuck of and get away from me... even though I did NOT curse at my mom... at all. I was rude but I did NOT say that! I repeat that I had just wanted to surprise her. She tells me about how unsurprised she is that this is how her day ends. She tells me that she doesn't want whatever trinket I was making for her because now it's tied up in the baggage of having apparently told her to fuck off and get away from me, that she doesn't want another in a long line of ass-kissy gifts because that makes being rude to her okay. It wasn't an ass kissy gift in response to being rude to her... it was a custom made Christmas gift for her... because I thought she'd be surprised? Because I thought it'd make her happy? Though I guess it doesn't matter... she doesn't want it anymore. She doesn't care what it was. Now it is a bad reminder of me treating her like everyone in her whole life has except specifically people who are dead. I have ruined quite a few things.
Honestly... I love my mom. I love her so much and I wish she could be happy. I want to do things to make her happy. But when she tells me that I am just one of the things that make her wanna run away to another state and tell no ody where she went and love alone... I'm not gonna sugar coat it, I wish I was dead.
I am a 29 year old autistic woman. I feel like a failure at growing up. I have stressed part of my colon into not working anymore. I still live at home with my parents and work in a minimum wage fast food job. I have few friends and I speak to them infrequently, but if you are at a place where I call you friend... we could not talk for 10 years and your still my friend until officially broken up. I surround myself with animals and I play with a digimon tamagotchi. My sisters have grown up jobs and drive and live in an apartment away from home and I feel like a failure because I missed all these adulting milestones. I feel CONSTANTLY guilty about everything. I feel like I can't say "hey let's do a shark mermaid themed charity zine and all the proceeds can go to buying preservatives for Rosie the dead great white shark!!!" Without the guilt at the mere idea that someone will tell me "Wow... you care more about a dead shark than say... real living people? You know there's no water in Flint right???" Without feeling guilty that... yes? I like a dead shark more than living people? I don't like people? Also shark is cool? I feel guilty that if I call a day off work SOMEONE ELSE has to be inconvenienced to work my shift. I feel guilty playing World of Warcraft because I'm accused of "Chasing a time I view as better" instead of growing up and moving on. I feel guilty about wanting to ask for someone else's time because they too have shit to do. I feel guilty about so many things...
And I feel guilty when my mom says I'm just another abuser in her life. Her fuse is so short it takes almost nothing to set her off. You have to be calm and happy all the time or she has to "walk on eggshells because anything she does can set US off!"
When my mom is mad at me like that... I hate myself. I have some dark thoughts on a normal day but when she's mad at me in this specific way... I wish I could just unexist. Or go to sleep and just not wake up. I can always logic my way away from the dark thoughts... but they're there nonetheless. And when I'm one of the things that makes my mom want to run away? Then I just wish I was dead really. Or just unalive. Not since I was 14 at least. I don't want to die. Just cease to be. I don't know if that counts as being suicidal but I'll tag for it anyway.
I don't normally talk about this shit with people. I don't wanna look like I'm crying out for attention or help or pity. I don't talk to my folks about it because there's never a good time. When I try to hint it's not taken seriously, and when things aren't bad I don't feel as bad. Keeping quite hasn't made me feel better so maybe just typing this out and being heard will make me feel even slightly better? Like a diary entry.
There's more to the morbs in my life but for now I leave it as this. It's 7am, I am in bed and have dried silicone in my hair and under my nailes, and I have work today. Who knows, maybe it'll all blow over like it never happenned like the bipolar way things go in my family sometimes. Maybe I'll get out of work and my folks will be happily dancing in the livingroom to sugar pie honeybunch like teenagers in love and I will be the only one stressed about it.
Don't take this post at face value. This is only my side. The human brain is flawed and the human ego will remake memories to protect itself. I normally turn to siblings who where there at the time to tell me if what I think happenned really happenned that way.... but I've also been informed that my siblings don't want to deal with me, and don't have the balls to call me out on my bullshit so will tell me whatever I want to hear, so really... I don't even trust that my recount of events even happenned that way.
Maybe I'll continue the story in another post?
And now
I go to bed. Goodnight. I am a tired bitch. I probably only just need 5 minutes to fall asleep.
P.s. I'm sorry if you read all that. It's a bummer. I know. I'll hide it under a read more when I'm on pc.
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winning loss | street racer! changbin
a big fat shoutout to my bby @chanhee-bby for helping me out on choosing a member for this oof,, also no the title isn't related to the story JSHSCSSV
• seoul is a..... pretty wildt city
• and so is ur school .wildt
• and ur house is just?? nowhere to be found??
• like ur house is basically just hidden somewhere in the city, where even the Lord google maps himself can’t find it DJNDJNDJJDJJDDJJ
• “hey y/n is there possibly some kind of construction going on beside ur place?” - one of ur friends, once when they tried to come to ur house
• “no..??? send me a pic of where u r rn on kkt- BRO THAT PLACE IS HALF AN HOUR AWAY FROM MY HOUSE WHAT THE HECK???????”
• “i- I ONLY FOLLOWED THE DIRECTIONS THAT GOOGLE MAPS GAVE ME TO UR PLACE!!!!!!!! THROUGH THE LINK!!!!!!!”
• “oH YEAH??????? AND WHO SENT U THAT LINK?”
• “yOU”
• “..............oh...........”
• yeah the condition IS that bad
• anyways
• this also means that any dangers happening to u is more likely to happen than u urself can imagine
• “yo y/n did u watch the news? apparently that prisoner got away and is probably now hiding in ur area, bcs it is suspected to be the place where he will find his next victim”
• and now that ur walking to ur home with a bunch of ramen noodles and some strawberry milk in that grocery bag, u cant help but feel nervous
• after all there IS A FUCKING CRIMINAL OUT THERE U READERS
• wait
• what's that….. sound?
• u probably would’ve brushed it off if not for the fact that u had ur Precious food in ur hands
• not gonna let that one go, u fucking murderer (◣_◢)
• "um excuse me-"
•"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
• "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
• LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON MS. Y/N AND MR-
• OH IT'S A BOY???????????
• y/n shut up it's not a murderer
• "JESUS CHRIST I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE"
• "ME TOO"
• "U THOUGHT THAT I WILL D I E????"
• "WELL YEAH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ANYONE CAN GET MURDERED U DUMBASS LADY"
• "......... right"
• both of u sigh at the fact that the other wasn't a murderer and an actual sane human
• (well.... can't assure u abt the sane part tho..)
• ANYWAYS
• "STOP SCREAMING IN MY EAR BOY"
• "SAYS THE ONE WHO SCREAMED FIRST????? AND IM NOT JUST SOME BOY IM SEO CHANGBIN OK ONE GREAT STREET RACER"
• u eye him from top to bottom ; he has a black leather jacket on (very sleek..hm), with brown boots, and his hair looks all gel-ed, and he owns some ?? bike ??
• cool bike tho (つ▀¯▀)つ
• "obviously, this bike is known for its-"
• "sounds like ur flexing bro"
• "im enlightening u"
• "PFT"
• u snort, followed by him laughing at u as u cough bcs damn u shouldn't have snorted, when after a while, the laughter seems to die down, resulting in silence
• "so, uh....are u going home alone? at this hour?"
• "yeah?"
• "u know there's a criminal on loose right.."
• "yeah"
• changbin sighs and then gets on his bike, followed by him patting the space behind him
• "get on. ill take u home."
• "u don't even know where i live"
• "but u know where u live"
• "...."
• changbin probably senses the tension in u, to which he gives u a smile
• "don't worry, ill drop u a few blocks away, if that makes u feel better"
• so here u are, sitting behind him, hands wrapped around his waist because ur scared u might fall off (but are u even complaining amirite)
• when he drops u off at the signboard, ur still gazing at the trees rhythmic movements to the wind
• "hey? we're here"
• "huh-"
• before u can comprehend, changbin takes u in his arms and keeps u down
• "t-thanks"
• "no problem, uh-"
• u look up too fast
• "y/n! y/n l/n!"
• and he grins
• "that's....a pretty cute name actually... fits for someone as cute as u.."
• u break into a grin too and then point at a building to ur right, not very far away
• "that's my place. feel free to come by whenever u want, yeah?"
• ":D!"
• and u run off into ur place, while changbin stands there, against his bike, thinking about how glad he was that he postponed the race to today
• the next day u were pretty sad :( bcs u rlly thought he'd come by yk? but he didn't the entire day :(
• but no worries anymore!! bcs at night
• THUD!
• "i- WHO'S THERE AT THIS HOU- oh????????? hELLO"
• changbin stood there, another empty milk carton in his hand that he was about throw when he saw u finally opened the window for him
• "h-hi y/n!!!!"
• "???? what r u doing here at this hour????"
• "come down first!!!!! ill tell u everything!!!"
• so u come down and he's just standing there, leaning against his bike as he pretends to look cool for u JSGSSVS
• "what's up?"
• "do u wanna!!! go to the convenience store!! together!! they recently stacked up on ur fav strawberry milk so"
• ":D OMG YES"
• so y'all go to the store to get the strawberry milk bcs strawberry milk? Superior
• "so..why were u throwing empty milk cartons at my window?- i mean,, don't people in movies and stuff throw rocks?"
• "well what if i had thrown one and it broke ur window? that's some stalker-ass shit. i don't do that. plus, it would've caused u some damage probably, physically and/or in terms of money. so why would i?"
• changbin stop being so caring for a second before y/n falls in love with u challenge ಥ_ಥ
• needless to say, this became a routine of the both of u; coming to the convenience store late at night and talking about ur lives
• yall felt so close (and so in love with each other) after every visit
• Insane.
• when one day
• "hey changbin, don't u have that race near my area tomorrow?? ill come around ok!!"
• and changbin almost SPITS out his milk because NO Y/N U CANT
• "why not (◕︵◕)"
• oh no
• not the puppy eye attack y/n pls
• "because-"
• "(◕︵◕) (◕︵◕) (◕︵◕) but changbin (◕︵◕) (◕︵◕) (◕︵◕) i have to support u (◕︵◕) (◕︵◕) (◕︵◕)"
• ".....fine"
• ":D YEEEEEE LET'S GO LOSERS!!!!!!!"
• that night when changbin goes home to his other 8 best friends they Automatically sense Tension wow what a bond
• even minho who usually doesn't give a fuck at all was concerned JDJDJDBD
• "she's coming to the race tomorrow"
• "isn't that a good thing? i mean there'll be the love ur life giving u all that damn support u need" - hyunjin
• "did u have extra dumb bitch juice today or what,,,,,, it's the competition with jihyuk and and the others. the final race."
• "he's right. but do even have a choice anymore" - chan, as he sits down beside changbin and gives him an assuring nod
• fast forward to the race setup already there, with u and changbin (ft. his 8 best friends) standing there at the start line
• "changbin, remember. i'm here for u, okay?"
• "everyone! get ready!"
• u move away, giving him a nod, when the race starts, with changbin starting at a full speed
• u knew he could do it
• for the days u have known him, ur sure he will win
• "and changbin wins!"
• there are loud cheers coming from ur side, while the other is quiet
• HAH LOSERS!!!!! CHANGBIN STAY WINNING
• changbin runs to u and hugs u so tightly
• "congratulations dumb bitch!!!!!"
• "thank u!!!!!!"
• the guy, who ur guessing to be jihyuk, comes around, with his helmet in one hand, and the other reaching out to handshake with changbin
• "well played"
• "you too."
• jihyuk glances at u for a second
• "tell me how it goes, yeah?"
• and then he leaves
• "so....y/n........are u free today...."
• ".............. yeah"
• "!!! to the convenience store we go!!!"
• yall did the same routine again, yk
• getting strawberry milk, talking abt life
• everything felt normal for u
• can't say the same abt changbin tho,,,,,, boy was LOSING HIS MIND HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO TELL U ABT HIS FEELS
• "god;;;;;; i should've just lost,,,,,"
• "??? did u say something ??"
• "HUH NO AHAHAAHA NO I DIDN'T?????"
• u didn't think much abt his behavior
• but when u reached home
• as u were abt to open the door to ur place
• "y/n! i- i like u!"
• u pause. all of a sudden????? a confession????
• u turn around to see him fidgeting with his fingers as he looks down
• "i-i'm sorry if this is so sudden..but i wanted to maybe take some time and then confess? but bcs i wanted to prove that i wasn't a coward abt my feelings i made a bet that if i won, i would confess.
• i thought that even if i won, i probably would delay it by taking my sweet time because GOD im a coward. but then u said that u would come and then OBVIOUSLY u had seen me looking like a coward even after i won and obviously my friends saw u too..so they probably would've told u anyways if i hadn't today. so i thought it was time that i stop being a cowa-"
• u cut him off by placing a quick kiss on his lips
• "shut up. u aren't a coward, dumbass. ur really one of the most confident people i've met..and that's a huge thing."
• changbin blushes and looks down, which makes u kiss him again when he looks up
• "i- did u just kiss me aga-"
• "seo changbin, i like u too."
• at first he just stands there, his mouth hung open at ur words, but then picks himself up and smiles before placing his lips on urs
• "perhaps im very glad i postponed the race that day"
#stray kids#skz#stray kids changbin#stray kids imagines#stray kids scenarios#stray kids imagine#stray kids scenario#seo changbin#changbin#bang chan#chan#kim woojin#woojin#lee minho#lee know#minho#hwang hyunjin#hyunjin#han jisung#han#jisung#lee felix#felix lee#felix#kim seungmin#seungmin#yang jeongin#i.n.#jeongin#stray kids fluff
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this is going to be long...
i dont even know where to start. i was one of the few people who was still hopeful that they could turn this season around. i was trying to understand their thoughts and plans for so long. i still defended season 4 until basically last Friday. then i joined everyone who was extremely disappointed in it. i could see the point of everyone disliking this season before but still had hope that these last two episodes would make us all change our minds and would wrap up amazingly (since basically season 3 was literally perfection in my eyes). well i was kinda wrong.
since last friday i became so disappointed. the way they handled the ingrid situation was soooo bad i cant even handle it. the ingrid storyline could have been so good if it was well written. they could have make the girl squad be so happy to have her in the group oblivious to her racism but as soon as they found out that she was being racist side with imane even though they were fucking mad that imane did those other mistakes.
they made me hate characters we had fallen in love with in previous seasons (manon alexia and emma) Daphné was kinda having some (slow) character development with her ignorance but then everything came completely crashing down.
then the whole manon/daphné unfollowing ingrid on instagram last weekend but still laughing and hanging out with her in school (was it bad instagram management or what).
one of the things that disappointed me the most was how the girl squad didnt once defend the racism and everyone acted like it was nothing. even if u are mad at your black friend and even you dont even want a friendship with them (even if u dont have black friends) letting someone say racist things to them without reacting makes you just as bad as them. the fact that the girl squad didnt call ingrid out but instead even defended her when imane got mad and there's no one saying anything about it is such horrible writing.
the other thing that disgusts and disappoints me so much is the whole charles story. omfg i could cry with how mad i was when i heard manon saying she was back with him. i understand the choice the writers made to bring michel back because there is no reason for him to not be on the show (contrary to thomas who wasnt on skam anymore) but to write a storyline so disgusting make charles a rape apologist a manipulative fucker, a violent person who said he would end whoever sent the email, the most disgusting horrible person and then make manon go back to him. this is way too much. the whole sexual assault storyline is already pretty bad written in all the remakes where the noora feels the need to apologize for being assaulted and the william characters feelings are the focus and not nooras is already fucking awful but then go the extra step of making him side with his brother who sexually assaulted his girlfriend when she was drunk and unresponsive there's literally no words for that bullshit. i could literally throw up. i will never be able to understand what was going on the writers minds when they decided this was a good idea. (why couldn't they go with the same story as william who was working too much and had daddy issues so he wanted to be perfect for his dad that he forgot about noora if they had the idea of wanting the bring charles back)
also the constant mention of eliott and not once letting him explain himself. instead lucas did it for him and later imane with idriss is pretty fucked up but never once did we hear something from eliott even though he kept being brought up. why make this big deal about him and his story if they wouldnt give it the time and attention it needed since it was imanes season not his. to never give the one with a mental illness the voice is apart of the problem.
the clip today was a joke. imane apologizing again. saying that she never felt out of place with the girl squad when the whole season was her distancing herself because she didnt feel like she belonged. couldnt they include a 20 second line like 'i acted the way i did because i felt outta place in this group i felt like i wasnt welcomed anymore like you guys couldnt and wouldnt understand me' or something. something.
with all this said im pretty disappointed on how they handled this season. i had such high hopes. i cant believe this is the remake which gave us the most wonderful season 3.i cant believe the writers who wrote season 3 wrote this one. my brain can't comprehend that. i just wish the last episode is somewhat of a redemption but the hole is way too deep at this point.
this is all just my thoughts and opinions if you dont agree okay im happy to discuss about it. and also if anyone wants to let david niels or the others writers know we are disappointed do it with manners and respect. they are human beings and even though they fucked up a lot i dont believe it was with intention. i dont agree with anyone calling them islamophobic/racist and rape apologists like i have seen many people do. thats not okay. david made sure the actors were always in a good mental space while filming he cares about them a lot. he treats them like children he treats us with all the respect so do it to him too. they fucked up but they arent bad people. like lucas and imane said maybe they are just ignorant or naïv...
#skam#skam france#skamfr#lucas lallemant#eliott demaury#imane bakhellal#sofiane alaoui#manon demissy#alexia#daphné lecomte#emma borges#idriss bakhellal#charles munier#manon x charles#lucas x eliott#skam imane#imane#imane x sofiane
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Update
Hey guys this is probably going to be a bit long, but with the flood of messages in the inbox I felt I should say something, so I’m going to add a read more if you’re curious and if not continue about your lovely day scrolling through.
Also, Trigger warnings ahead.
I wanted to explain some things and bring a bit of reassurance.
I wont be giving up the blog or deleting any content or anything like that. I think or more-so, I know that i’ve been experiencing an all time low. I’ve gone through more this year than I can even comprehend at this point and I’ve truly felt like I have nothing to live for anymore. I don’t want anybody to freak out, I’m okay. I’m not going to do anything stupid. The emotions have passed for the time, but I do want to explain a bit of what’s been going on.
In April I up and left everything I know and love and moved across the country with my best friend so she could go to school and I could live in the same place as my s/o at the time. It was an amazing experience and so full of life lessons but ultimately, it was a fail. Not only did I end up losing my best friend, my apartment, most of my belongings, and the one of only two people I knew in this new and giant city, but ultimately I lost myself somewhere in between. I got so homesick and cried all day every single day and laid around feeling completely lost and alone and luckily I had an amazing support system here and because of you guys on Tumblr I was able to raise enough money to come back home with nothing but my cat and the things I could fit in my car.
When I got home I realized that I was in absolutely no way able to maintain a relationship when I couldn’t even get myself out of the slump I was living in and ultimately our breakup led to a lot of people hating me. People that I thought were really good friends of mine and once again I was left feeling alone and like I had nothing. My entire support system was ripped out from beneath my feet. I moved in with a very verbally abusive alcoholic and started taking care of her teenagers and trying to help them to cope with their moms addiction but it became way too much and one day my dad called me and asked me to move in with him. He was also struggling with addiction to alcohol, and I felt that’s where I needed to be. I needed to save my dad.
I was there for three weeks and I was miserable, and again I was alone and taking on another persons addiction and all the belligerence, abuse, and vomit that came with it. I spent most of my time hiding in the basement and trying to avoid my dad and feeling sorry for myself and then he died. We still don’t have the answers from toxicology of his cause of death but I carry a lot of guilt for the way i acted towards him and the way i neglected him. In my heart I know that my dad died feeling alone and unloved and that a large part of that was because of me, the person he trusted to come back into his life and help me. I truly can’t let go of the thought that I killed him by simply not loving him loud enough.
Thats what this all comes down to. I keep telling myself repeatedly that it should’ve been me. That if anyone needed to die and escape this miserable fuckery of life, that it shouldve been me. I still get really fucking angry that it wasn’t and not a single word in any language will ever convince me that I didn’t play a role in my dads death. Everything hurts. All the time, it just hurts. I don’t know how to cope with any of this which is surprising because Ive been surrounded by death and addiction my whole life and I should know by now how to pick myself up and move forward but I cant.
I’m failing at being a mother. I’m failing at my job. I’m failing in every aspect of my life because I don’t have the will or the motivation to do the things I want/need to do and I have nobody to lean on. I have one friend in the real world and to be frank, she’s not the greatest person to me a lot of the time and I’m stuck to face all of this with nobody to just fucking pat my head and tell me that I can make it through this, and I had just decided that my time is up. I was done being alive.
I took a few days thinking about it and if I should leave words or an explanation behind and the how who what where of it all... But then, I decided I was going to give it one last chance. I was going to fight for my life because thats what my daughter deserves. Then I got a phone call Thursday morning that a really great person I’ve always adored had taken his life. I mean, this guy was talented in every aspect. Writing, instruments, comedy. He was literally just so great at everything and so pure and every single person who came across him just loved him! I was devastated that someone so humble and fucking amazing as Tyler could ever feel so hurt to take his own life. As selfish as it is, I thought as I broke down “I wonder who would feel like this if it would've been me.” That’s what really got me...
There were only three names I could think of in this situation, two of those names are people I’ve never met in real life. But three, three was enough. I want to be better. I want to feel better. I want to want to be alive. I want to fight for my life. This year has taken everything I have ever loved and it has ripped it to shreds and destroyed it right before my eyes. I can’t think of a time in my life where I’ve ever felt lower, but they say once you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. I’m begging the world to let that be my truth and I’m hoping that I can keep going. I’ve tried every single day to think of at least ONE reason to keep going and I let that reason carry me through the day. For now, thats enough.
Theres really no point to this other than I just wanted to put this out there and help people understand that I’m not some attention seeking asshole. I can’t comprehend how hard this year has been and there’s some details that I just can’t dive into, but I hope this helps you to understand how much everything has just shattered before my eyes. I want people to maybe think that if I can keep going then maybe they can to. I want every single one of you to know that this blog is always a safe place. That I will always do my best to be here for each and everyone of you. I’m not giving up on myself and I’m never going to give up on any of you.
So please, if you’re struggling today don’t hesitate to come and talk to me. You can vent or you can just go off about your ult or even some TV show or anything you need. Whatever is going to help you keep yourself grounded, I’m here for all of that. I don’t want any of our followers or even any stranger on Tumblr to ever feel like they’re so alone that nobody would even notice if they’re gone. I would notice. I would care. I love you and every day that you wake up I am so proud of you. Please dont ever give up on yourself and know that even if thats something you cant do, that i will never give up on you.
I love you all so much and I can’t tell you how thankful I am for each and every one of you.
Sunflower
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Anyone else???
For a very long time now, I have settled on the fact that I will never be happy. I have happy moments, sure. But to actually say that I am "happy with life" is something that I dont think I will ever say. It's been there for a very long time and the more I took a step back from me, and started viewing myself in second person, essentially watching and observing my surroundings and how things interact with my life, even when I am not looking that way (think in terms of video games where your character doesnt see people creeping up, but YOU do yourself), the more I started putting pieces together.
It's so easy to blame my depression, anxiety, skepticism but even with that people will say "talking to someone helps" or "get medication." Heres the problem: I dont have people who care enough to listen and to help for free. Which also means I dont have money for medication (and I dont like how I feel (or rather dont feel?) when I take them. Working as a delivery driver pays the bills, and that's about it.
"So go get a new job." Easy, right? Well, not so much. I can get a new job, but this generation, if you dont have a bachelor's degree / 30 years experience then good luck. So I'm left with pretty much retail and food. What happens when I get a new job? I start off nervous, fake confidence. Then I gain the confidence that I learned how to do my job without help. I'm "happy". But it only lasts a few months before I get bored and when I get bored, I get irritable. I start noticing things people do and question why they can get away with it. The bored routine hits and I'm back in the hole. I dont want to job hop because not only does it look bad on paper, but it's also bad for myself because once that becomes routine, when I have to start looking for a new job, itll cause a whole 'nother sort of unhappiness, annoyances, and anxiety that turns to frustrations. Mostly because I'm stuck with retail or food and my interview / hire rate is probably around 10% if I'm lucky. Pop that in with depression and the feelings you're not good enough, and you've got yourself a very sad meal for one. (I am VERY aware of myself and can see how certain choices will play out and how it would affect me)
Growing up, watching everyone and everything happen from the outside in (or from the inside out, a trapped sense????) I've learned a LOT. I can see when my depression is coming, I can see when people are lying or don't care (and I pretend to not know but Holy fuck do I know), I even know why I feel the way I feel. But my issue is this: I dont know why.
I know why I will never be happy with life. But I also cant change that because I dont have the money because I dont have a good job, because I dont have a high education (just associates in arts and science), because I dont have money.
See? It is a vicious cycle.
I firmly believe that I am a product of society and how something can deeply affect an individual. I cant say it's bad in its entirety because it has lead me to become a more thoughtful person (always questioning, wanting to know) but not all thoughts are positive. This whole post being a HUGE example.
I've accepted it as far as I know I will never be happy, but theres a part of me that is sitting in the corner saying, "that's not fair." I have no desire for hobbies, because just like the job situation, it's fun at first, then it's just... pointless. It has no meaning. Why am I doing this puzzle? What purpose in life does that give me? Why am I drawing when I know I'm not good and always stop before I'm done? Why try to play an instrument when I'm not going to make money by playing it?
That is another huge factor in my life. Nothing has a purpose. Why should I spend my day off doing nothing when I could use that time to make money? But I dont really have anything that I NEED and when I do buy something with recreational purpose, I feel guilty because after so long, it just gathers dust. But I deserve a day off, I work most every day. But I dont work very hard at all. Maybe giving 60% on a great day, so I didnt earn a day to be lazy.
I guess long post short: I am constantly at battle with myself. I can see the positives, but a lot of the time, it's the negative that's speaking louder (I'm assuming my depression is acting like an amp) and I just shrug and go back to bed. Why? It's all pointless. Why do I want to go on dates when I know they just want sex and I'm not into having sex? Why do I want to be "vulnerable" in a relationship? That is like antagonizing a murderer, saying "betcha wont kill me!" It doesnt sound fun at all.
Maybe getting handed the short end of the stick has sucked all the potential I had, and instead of being where I was suppose to be, i have hit the opposite. Like maybe i was suppose to be a loving mom with the best marriage and job, and somewhere down the line, someone cursed me to have the knowledge and an understanding of what's going on around me, but I cant comprehend it. I understand... but what I dont understand is WHY I understand. I cant take that knowledge and put it to use. I can read the language, but I cant speak it.
I really have been struggling to try to find the answer as to why I feel this way. I feel helpless, but at the same time, I know why I feel and think the way I do. But I dont know why I know -- and I want to.
People say that it's the little things that count. I honestly do believe that, and while I dont expect much out of people / life anymore, the few things that I hold near and dear are literally the strands I hold onto. And when those strands break, I fall so deep and then everything just falls on top of me.
I am aware of my situation. I am knowledgeable about why I feel the way I do and how. What I dont know is WHY I am so aware. There is something out there for me, and through growing up, I feel as though I lost the piece. The one piece that was going to just make it all make sense. I had a wonderful purpose in life, and someone took it away because it had to have been something damn special to make me feel so lost without it.
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yeah so because of recent events and all regarding sh/adam here comes this:
This is my last post on this topic.
Either way I tag them as #discourse from now on. I know I am personally very uncomfortable with discourse generally and this blog is dedicated to my art and I actually wanted to actively avoid any discourse. But this is a topic that hits closer to home I need to vent it out.
But mt opinion, long story short is: I pretty much despise Adam because he expected Shiro to choose Adam over his own happiness and so far hasnt done anything to redeem himself. Explanation under the cut.
So, as I mentioned in previous posts: fuck Adam. I'm not gonna dip any deeper into how I think Shiro deserves someone who will be able and happy to unconditionally support him and how I think that person is Keith and how much I love Sheith because of it. I'm not even gonna mention what Shiro deserves or Keith after this.
So, I watched episode 1 of the upcoming season and finally i feel better making a post about Adam now.
In the end, though, it didnt change anything on my previous opinion.
Adam's decision of not waiting for Shiro and leaving him because of the Kerberos mission and because he simply didnt have the mental energy to seeing someone he loves deeply suffer, is selfish but understandable. And there's nothing wrong in being selfish. Although even if obviously the stress people who have disabled beloved ones is nothing compared to what the disabled person has to go through, it doesnt change the fact that it's still stressful and everyone, whether disabled or not, has to decide for themselves what is best for their mental stability and health and if they want to put themselves through such stress or cant. Deciding that you cant doesnt make you evil. Wanting your loved ones to be safe and alive and well isn't wrong.
Still I cant go all "I love Adam!!!" and "he did nothing wrong!!" not because I'd be prioritizing Shiro anyway, but because of Adam's ultimatum and how Adam saw one option as the right and one as the wring one.
"Takashi, how important am I to you?". That's what Adam said. I dont remember how exactly Adam phrased it but after that he outright told Shiro that Shiro would have to choose between having Adam in his life or the Kerberos mission. Between someone who Shiro loved and wanted to be with for the rest of his life or a dream he obviously had devoted his whole life to, the dream of his life. Between Adam or winning the fight against his disability by not going down without a fight. Because we know that there was no hope for Shiro no matter how much he rests and all Shiro could do was decide what to do with his remaining time. (I have an idea of what Shiro's disease is, and if it is then I have some experience with it, which makes it all the more personal to me and makes me all the more angry at Adam and anyone who sides with him.)
And I know some people are okay with giving up their dreams or ambitions to be with their loved ones. Shiro obviously isnt that person though.
Shiro was disabled. Shiro knew it was a miracle he had come this far anyway despite his disease (Adam did say Shiro already broke all sorts of records) and he wanted to go further. He didnt want to stop already. To Shiro it probably felt like giving up to his illness if he had stopped. As a disabled person giving up to your illness is the ultimate defeat. Personally, I'd much rather die. Adam KNEW how much value the Kerberos mission had, that this is the last chance Shiro would get. Yes, it was a life-threatening mission, but Shiro would rather die than give up to his disability, or so it seems to me.
Think about what a miserable life that would be to Shiro. Think about how depressing that would be. Adam would rather see Shiro alive but miserable with no real chance of recovery than what? Dead? No, because no one would want Shiro as a pilot if they thought he wouldnt make it back alive enough and able enough to safely pilot them back. They wouldnt even have considered him, but obviously they did. So Adam would rather have Shiro in regret and miserable surrender for his last few years before the disability kicks in full than achieving his ambitions and being happy and proud. And all because of being selfish? All because ADAM didnt wanna be alone? I would get it if Adam's concern would be that Shiro wouldnt pilot them all back safely, but that obviously isnt Adam's real concern here if he starts iff1 with "Takashi how important am I to you?".
That's what rubs me so wrong with Adam, that's why I really hate him, to be honest. I'm not saying he's evil or a person you should hate and demonise. Adam is just human. But honestly? What does it tell me about you if you absolutely adore Adam after thats all we get from him and you think he did nothing wrong in wanting Shiro to give up his ambitions for him? What does it tell me about you that you'd want Shiro to come back to earth to Adam, who gave up on Shiro? That you'd want Shiro to regret leaving Adam, regret not giving up on himself? If you dont think Adam needs to apologise and redeem himself, if you think Shiro is in the one in the wrong-
If it weren't for the ultimatum, I wouldnt hate Adam. If Adam had just said he couldnt bear seeing Shiro suffer then I would let Adam go like that. If Adam had said he thought the mission is too risky and he couldnt bear waiting for Shiro to come back, I wouldnt judge Adam. If we meet Adam again and he apologises for his outburst to Shiro and means it, Adam redeems himself in my eyes. I still wont like him and I still dont think he's deserving of Shiro. I still wont want them to be together because I think if Adam didnt have the strength to be with Shiro with his disability until the end, then how can Adam be sure to be able to be with Shiro now that he's scarred (both literally and figuratively) from a galactic war Adam hadnt been there to experience and therefore couldnt ever truly comprehend the consequences of?
Adam isnt truly evil for what he said. Evil is a much stronger word I reserve for truly evil people. Because people say bad things under stress, say things they dont mean or regret, voice their thoughts in a wrong way all the time. Or sometimes they mean what they say but think better later, realise their mistakes and make things right. Stress does that to you. But owning up to it is what counts. Owning up to the consequences, owning up to people not liking you for that anymore or leaving you or outright avoiding you and despising you, that's what makes you a good person.
You can tell me all you want how Shiro should think about how his actions make other people feel. That he should have considered Adam's feelings and think twice about the Kerberos mission. Amd I hope he did. If not that was wrong of him too. But we all have to make our choices and decide when to be selfish or not. When to prioritise ourselves over other people. When you have to leave people for the sake of ourselves. Being selfish all the time is obviously not a good way to go, but leaving your life completely up to others and only living for other people's sake and be miserable for it isnt either. If you're going to live to make others happy then do it only if it actually does make you happy, too. Shiro wouldnt have been if he had. He knee that. Or maybe he would have been anyway, but neither decision would have been wrong of him.
Shiro risking his life to achieve his ambitions was part of his fight against his disability. It was part of not giving up. Adam couldnt respect that. He disrespected Shiro's struggles not by leaving Shiro but by forcing Shiro to choose between him, or winning that fight. Thats why I think Adam did something extremely wrong. I hate Adam because I hate people who prioritize themselves over people's recovery and happiness, expect people to, and then have the nerve to not even regret it.
In retrospect it wasnt really Adam giving an ultimatum to Shiro that was wrong. It was Adam expecting Shiro to choose him and get angry at Shiro for choosing his own happiness over Adam's.
Again, if Adam regrets it and owns up to, apologises, then I will hate him less. I will still dislike him, but I wont think he's a bad person. But so far that's not what we got and until we see that I wont think Adam did.
So miss me with all your pro-Adam and Sh/adam or A/dashi posts. Miss me with all the "voltron better end with a reunion and a wedding between them!". It makes me truly uncomfortable to see it. Im not bashin on the pairing either, you can ship whatever you like. I dont think people who like Adam or want him to get together with Shiro again are bad people because of that. I dont think people who understand and not dislike Adam because of his actions are either. I wont hate on people if they dont understand why this is my opinion or simply didnt take the step of spending all that much thought on the morality and seriousness of it. But man am I uncomfortable with people who take Adam's side.
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Rachel,
Reading your book has helped me so much, I guess not in a "helped me want to keep living way", but in a "helped me not feel so fucked up way". I thought my "thoughts" were all my own, but reading your book(Get me out of here) has shown me otherwise. Living with BPD, that kind of messes with you. It honestly helped in some areas, and at the same time makes me feel like I am only my disorder. Like my disorder is the reason I think half of the things I think. So am I really real? Who am I? For the longest time, months even I wouldn’t read the ending. I don’t think a happy ending is something I will achieve. I don’t think those exist for people like us. So I wouldn’t read the ending because I was scared that you would get a happy ending and I wouldn’t and it would put a false sense of trust in my head something I already lack so much of. Instead as always you delivered the raw truth of things. You never got your happy ending but things got easier and you found ways to cope and do something as simple as just be with yourself. Something I’m scared I can never do. I wanted so desperately to read the part where you tell me everything will be okay and you lived out a happy life regardless of this bullshit. But things I felt most weren’t in the end But when I'm sitting there with you in that therapy room. So many things you've done, I’ve done as well. I've learned things, painful truths that were hard to read through. I wish people could grasp them as we do. I wish people could feel what we feel, or be as patient as your therapist is with you.
In a way I guess I dont blame them, who could possibly just want me. Who could possibly look at me, and want to spend the rest of a lifetime with me. No one. I disgust myself, but they disgust me when they lie. How could I not get angry? How could I not, not trust people, when all they do is seek to destroy me? I have no one. I have lost absolutely everyone. I have no family members, except my father. But even he most of the time could live happier without the burden of his only child. He used to mock, and belittle me growing up for all my intense mood swings, and behaviors. He still can not comprehend any of it, as the years went on he just became more depressed secretly wishing he never made the choice to have a child. Im sure he wants to leave this world as much as I do. My mother left us a couple years ago, that was the hardest I don’t talk about it much. She still comes to visit acts like everything’s fine like we’re still a family and for a moment it’s like she never left. One time I came out to see them sitting on the couch watching a football game the windows were open the sun was shinning in they were laughing cheering there was a homemade lasagna cooking in the oven everything was perfect, so much so that I ran to the bathroom and threw up. The way they can act like everything was ok. No everything was not ok, my dadis heartbroken I had watched him cry himself to sleep for months and now he’s sitting there while she gives him false hope. Don’t get me wrong I don’t like my dad, but I felt for him and I stood for him. Because I know that pain all to well. When my mom told me she was leaving I was still in a group home. She told me she was going to go live with an old college friend that her and my dads relationship wasn’t working out and she needed time. I respected that, I respected my mom for wanting to take care of herself. I needed my mom I was scared and Alone and I was in this place with these girls and I just wanted my mom. I just wanted to know that she was there for me. And she asked me time after time do u need me say u need me and I won’t go. But I knew living with my dad was hard and the last thing I wanted to be was a bigger burden so I pushed her away so she wouldn’t feel guilty for leaving me when I needed her. She would leave and be gone for months after that about a year later I found out the nasty family secret from my aunt (my moms sister) they had gotten in a huge fight and Kathy wanted to hurt my mom so she wanted to ruin me and my moms relationship. It worked. My aunt had told me about my moms affair that she had been having since I was 9. And that she was there right now with another man and not with her college friend. I lost my mind all trust, all love, all hope, everything I had felt for her before had disintegrated into thin air, and was replaced with an immense anger that burned through my entire core. There I was being nice thinking of her when she was lying through her fucking teeth. I hated my mother, I still do sometimes. I have no one but me, and at times that is the worst possible thing for me. I have become completely enveloped in despair and disease. I truly believe I am losing it. I only have moments of regularity before I am going off the deep end again. I've been in therapy for over half my life now, and been through numerous medications. When does life become clear? When does the want to live come? When do I stop disappointing and frightening people? I love everyone so much that it tears me apart, but they dont even see that. They focus on the angry boughts, and self destructive mannerisms, they choose to only see the bad in me. That shit hurts.
I'm at constant war with myself, telling myself to give up and telling myself to keep going, telling myself to lose everyone around me, and to message them back. I'm in constant pain, I walk around with a weight in my chest, but at the same time feel so god damn empty. How is that possible? I'm fucking exhausted, Rachel. I dont want to fucking be here anymore. I cant imagine how you made it to thirty, considering I cant even think about making it to the end of this month. Everything just hurts, and all i can do is fucking feel it.
I have so much trauma in my life, I can't imagine how long my therapy journey will take before I get to say my "goodbye" to my therapist. What therapist I’ve been through handfuls and they all give up on me the one therapist who could help me I got fired, due to an infatuation with another staff member I had she tried to get me out of it and ended up getting fired . How dysfunctional can I get? I used to be able to block all of this out, you know? I used to be different. Even a year ago, I was so different then who I am now. How does that happen? How does all the trauma break out of you like this? How fucking sickening. When I sit and think about it, I honestly start to suffocate. Are we actually the biggest liars in our life? How we spent our whole lives hiding everything that hurt, masking it all with fake smiles and laughs. We shoved it all away, if not for us then everyone around us. Yet were the monsters now? How could we not be? Were fucking filled to the brim with decades of ache because we put our own pain last to everyone, because all we wanted was for them to be okay, and now look, were alone, and they aren’t, and we’re hurting and they’re not.
It’s evil, sick, and revolting. I was born to be a doormat, staircase, a filler, a helping hand for everyone else. Now I look in the mirror and im nothing but bruises and scars. How could I not self-destruct? It's all I've known, ripped and tore myself for everyone, even me. God I'm so mad at everything, I cant breathe. If someone doesnt make my coffee right, it's like they're out to personally spite me. I think on all my friendships, old and new, and regret all of them. I dont trust anyone, literally. I do t even find pleasure in things I used to love, what's happening to me?
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yall im about to get so cheesy and PLEASE do not send me any messages trying to pick a fight bc im not trying to debate this or challenge anyones beliefs im literally just thinking out loud but like…..with the planets discovery and now i just read this article abt how quantum theory is proving that consciousness moves to another universe after death and w/e it might be bullshit but idc this is making me cry bc like…..the universe is so big and so far beyond anything humans can comprehend and honestly like…..yall………..doesnt physics or whatever say that, like, law of matter or whatever the fuck, i dont know science words anymore, but theres like that thing that says all matter on earth is recycled and constant/consistent and matter is never created or destroyed and im like why the FUCK should that not also apply to spirit/consciousness? why should it only apply to tangible shit. like obviously consciousness/soul EXISTS like you cant deny it EXISTS?? ITS LITERALLY WHAT MAKES US PEOPLE AND IM SO!!! LIKE!!! THE THOUGHT THAT NOTHING HAPPENS AFTER YOU DIE IS SO DEPRESSING TO ME and my mind honestly cant comprehend it?? like if u dont think theres an afterlife like thats cool, you do you, but holy shit i just cant imagine nothing happens like theres so much humans dont see and physically cannot comprehend so how thr FUCK can this be ALL THERE IS? LIKE
we have dreams?? we see literal like, other places in our heads, how the fuck can you tell me……..that existence is limited to what we can only see on this planet like yall we just proved that there are other planets and VERY LIKELY ALIEN LIFE, if that can exist like.l,,,,,who 5he fuck kbows……what their laws of physics are…why the fuck…..why the FUCK would you wanna limit things to only physical shit you can touch. like if that helps with your anxiety and worldview then thats perfectly understandable bc its so overwhelming to think about so i totally get and support that choice!! also i mean like obviously you're allowed to believe whatever the fuck you wanna believe and all beliefs are valid!!! but this is just how i feel abt it. like reincarnation and afterlife just. makes sense to me. i mean like, as much as it can “make sense” to a human bc like. we cant comprehend the fourth dimension it would fucking kill us
im literally in tears writing this im so fucking stupid i just love science and i love god and i love people and i love space and
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i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful.
yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep.
this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.
at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies.
but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that.
on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_.
its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be.
and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit.
its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions.
if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant.
and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche.
theyre right. the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?
and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we?
so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution.
i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories.
how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking.
society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people.
what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs.
i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies.
no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt.
life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free.
i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk.
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i realized i had been typing up zelda blogging into notepad for like a week plus without posting, cause i didn’t wanna post everyday once i finished the main story? but then it got SUUUPER long. i waited for it to kinda taper down since now i’m mostly down to completionist stuff, and since it has, i’m gonna post it & just do small posts if i decide to blog abt anything else.
it feels rly weird not to zeldablog now
i ran into a blue? silver? lynel and got trapped fighting it on my way out of hyrule castle AND KILLED IT!! yay!!
also im going back to the mountain to check out that glow
i checked the shrine out next to it, since i was only activating them near the end and not DOING them
and they've gotten way more complex
now i understand when the monks commend your resourcefulness like before i was like, pls. that was way too easy. literally anyone could have done that
i went to the lake at night and it isn't glowing ): idgi did i see something else? does it only do that from a distance? on certain nights? i could see it from SO far away...
o my god theres a GOLF minigame the camera angles even do the thing
fucking fuck dinraal showed up WHILE I WAS PLAYING GOLF
i MISSED him im so mad i couldnt fast travel away bc minigame!!!
WOW AND HERE COMES THE BLOOD MOON WHICH I WAS WAITING ON AT THE LAKE MOUNTAIN im so pissed i fuckin hate golf at this point its faster to finish than to run all the way back and quit :|
i finished golf but the blood moon just turned into?? a normal moon??
ah okay the glow is random and it's a rare mount!! thank god it wasn't just me losing my mind lol
haha i went to kill the shock arrow lynel just to see if i could and it only took like less than a minute with atk+ armor and decent weapons/shields
plus i'm just better at that special timing stuff now
figures it wouldn't happen til post-game
wtf another blood moon only a few nights later???
i read it was super glitchy but i never really realized until i was paying attention...
aww i bought a house!! maybe link and zelda can live there until the castle is restored YES THEY WILL BE MARRIED SOMEDAY
it's a cute quest i wish i had brought enough rupees to buy all the furniture in it
anyway like. it's super nice to have finally beaten this game's story?? i feel like now i don't have to Rush, i can stop and poke around and explore just like i want, tbh i kinda wish i had done it sooner
anyway im done for the night but i think i will rack up a bit more blogging before making a post i don't wanna be making one every day anymore
——
okay so im gonna wait for the blood moon at this shrine
ive been reading that its random and glitchy?? but had i never read any of that i would have been SURE it was just every full moon, like clockwork
so maybe i'm wrong or the internet is
anyway i have enough fire arrows and wood to camp for a full 10 nights, after which im bailing lol
OH FUCK CANCEL EVERYTHING A SHOOTING STAR
I WONDER IF I CAN FAST TRAVEL TO IT??
only one way to find out
I CAN!!!!!
tonight's a halfmoon...if it's waxing then only 2 more nights, if the blood moon is the fullmoon
waning - 6 more nights :/
and who even knows if the blood moon is the full moon...
i've been reading so much and there's so much i was aching to do while trapped in bed that i don't know where to begin...! yet i am waiting at this dumb shrine, haha
i think i wanna to the terrytown quests? tarrytown? where you build a town, those sound so fun, but ofc i need rupees
three-quarters moon! pleeease letthe next one be a blood moon, i say for once in my life lol
oh no...full moon but no blood moon ):
ugh i do not WANT to camp here for a hundred years
i suppose with the nearby shrine i can get to it fairly quicky but not quickly enough for my liking...once the moon rises you only have literally like two minutes before it leaves
so i have to notice it, get out there, and get naked in less than 2 minutes, without warning :/
ok yeah no this is stupid i'll just do something else while i wait
ah, but what! this is what i was talking about earlier, where do you even BEGIN
i could go back and solve shrines, but puzzles are only fun for so long, i wanna explore and there's so much left to see
i could also rupee farm hahahaha
and for better or worse i do eventually wanna get all the korok seeds...
actually i think i wanna fight minibosses?? which is so weird but i feel like i can take em
i know the silver lynels will kick my ass from reading tvtropes but i can take the others!!!
i also read about the lon lon ranch ruins, which i either missed or didn't realize what they were...i don't have a clue as to where they are, but i wanna see them, i know i'll be Sad
omg people startle when i get close to them wearing dark link armor
oooh i was wondering what this big circular tower was...man i havent seen ANYTHING in hyrule field
apparently there are monsters inside...i see a blue lynel? silver lynel? who knows
but i fought one before, so maybe i can take it
i WAS wanting to fight stuff
camera says it's silver, tvtropes says silvers are harder than calamity ganon himself
but the ones that aren't red all look alike to me, so i have no idea which kind i fought in hyrule castle...and my sword had superpowers then
the problem is all these OTHER monsters...no way could i take them on all at once
so i gotta go around and pick them off first without being noticed if i can
omg i cant drop the master sword when electrocuted ahaha nice
oops i dropped a lizalfos down there with the lynel....lmao maybe i better just go fight him before i fuck up anything else
ah no it's coming back on its own. well done
ok, got em
man, wouldn't it be just my luck if the blood moon rose NOW
tbh if it did i would have to abandon this entire thing, which i would, reluctantly, just so i wouldn't have to wait anymore
ooh god he saw me i was hopin for a sneak attack ;w;
ok here we go i guess!!
i did it!!!!
it actually wasn't that bad, tho it got a bit dicey a couple of times
so much of this game is like, your buffs and armor and weapons, i've had harder fights against weaker foes just bc i wasn't properly equipped
but learning to dodge and use my shield a bit better certainly didn't hurt
tbh it looks like most of what i wanna do requires rupees, so i should go farm some i guess!
boring, but you know
apparently i was wrong about the music in goron city and the gerudo areas and they ARE the classic tunes...i just didn't hear it??
AAAAH the satori mountains are glowing!!
;w; i caught him
what a freaky-lookin boy
i wish i could keep him!!
jesus fuck the blood moon came up and i idled at the screen without looking, god, the ONE TIME
i bet i'll never make it in time but i gotta try
dark link armor will make me move a BIT faster at night for what its worth but i dont even think i have revali's gale ready jfc
thank god i made it with just a few seconds to spare
yikes its lightning af outside so im gonna quit for now
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aww tarreytown looks so cute so far!! i wanna build it up ;u;
lol i hate when you know a guardian is nearby and can't find it even tho i can fight them now my heartrate is still so jacked up
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god the tarreytown sidequests are so pleasant and relaxing like
i havent felt so calm playing this game since...i don't think ever
and like, they talk about the yiga clan and the monsters outside
and if i were a person with more time i would write the cute genfic about how tarreytown gets put under seige but their location makes that hard and they fight off the bad guys
it's always sunny there!!! no matter the weather elsewhere :')
also i finally did break the hylian shield cleaning out the guardian room on maze island and i got a replacement there......for3k, but still
anyway im finding all the chests from the shrines i missed and one is in the plateau ): my heart
like, i can't believe i used to think this mountain was massive, this plateau was massive. it's so small compared to everything else. and so lonely ;_;
like, i miss it, weirdly, but i miss the version that had the easy enemies and the old man and where when i looked outside of the walls it was all very misty and i couldn't even comprehend the true size of this world
so: nostalgia, i guess
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jesus FUCKING christ i went out to see the ranch ruins with epona and i got attacked by a guardian, a yiga clan member, and two silver bokoblins on horseback
FINALLY fought them off, terrified the entire time something would happen to epona, and i got attacked by three stal moblins
fought THEM off and there's a stal bokoblin on a stalhorse! but i can't catch it or ride it because of all times, the blood moon is rising!! j e s u s c h r i s t
now i've gotta get on my horse and get the hell out of dodge before those things come back to hurt her
i was thinking of a nice relaxing-if-sad trip before bed but no i gotta come back on FOOT to kill these guys AGAIN and then bring her back during the DAY so we can properly look around
who KNEW this would be so awful, jesus
okay update i did get on the stalhorse bc i have about 30 seconds to snap a cool pic (no way i can ride it out to whatever stable i need for the quest...even if i could leave epona here, it's much too long of a trip) but fucking hell dude
FUCK i took too long it rose epona and i are STILL HERE LMAO (((:
i didn't know if i should get on epona and ride for it or teleport to the stable and then board her
i teleported and it looks like she's still safe bc they boardered her ;_;
i took her back out and gave her a bunch of apples ;____; my poor brave girl
lol as if that wasnt enough its about to start lightning
ugh i'm coming back tomorrow and cleaning that place out good and fucking proper
i'd kinda like to do it tonight but it's already so late and i don't feel well and it would take a long time and also be a bit stressful probably
at least now i know where to find lots of stalhorses lol
although if you think about it they're there bc a lot of horses died
aaaaand i'm sad again
(super mad i didn't get pics on my in-game camera of the horse, but the snapchat pic i snapped of dark link riding it under the blood moon was still pretty damn cool)
——
w o w
i kinda wish i had been able to bring epona, but i couldn't—it's so dangerous here
but after clearing it out and actually getting to look around, uh
this is brick-for-brick the most faithful recreation of oot's lon lon ranch
and i am SO sad
ugh i just had to restart an entire shrine bc i dropped my korok leaf at the last second bc i was trying to open all the chests and i had to go back and get my good spear that i had to drop to get the korok leaf in the first room...but i needed the korok leaf to get back to the end!!!!!
i hate the weapons system in this game sometimes i won't lie like sometimes it's really good and sometimes it drives me bonkers
oh my fucking god lmao
i can't even RESTART the shrine bc the leaf was in a CHEST which is now empty. holy shit
like, that is NONFUNCTIONAL
they should have had a tools section for leaves and axes and shit i swear to fuck bc i always drop korok leaves as soon as i can bc i don't ever use them to sail and i have so little room and there's so many weapons...jesus christ
i made a huuuuuge list of everything i need to fully upgrade all my armor. it took hours but i think i did the math wrong
remember when i said i was never going back to eventide? well here i am! i'm farming bokoblin guts/general monster drops lol and i knew there were a bunch here :|
but i'm better armed now! so it should be a cakewalk
even red hinoxes don't give me much trouble these days. we'll see
sniped the upper camp no problem with some pretty basic bows. don't know WHY i sniped it, i could have fought them...
haha just kidding. yes i do
time to fight the hinox, i suppose
tbh this is giving me trauma flashbacks lol
duuuude theres a lil star by this hinox's name!!
does that mean the game keeps track of which i kill.......awhile ago the fang and bone guy said he wanted me to kill every hinox and i'm like "fffft yeah right like the blood moon wouldn't come up halfway through each and every try"
but maybe that doesn't matter O:
now i can use stamps to only mark hinoxes i HAVENT killed............interesting
unfortunately i've also been stamping lynels, and i'd hate to take stamps off just bc i'd killed something...man
i wish i had more kinds of stamps and the ability to USE more stamps, geez
i could kill all four moldugas first and see what he did before deciding if it was Worth It
this doesn't make me feel like a badass and i'm not actually getting any great drops. i just have war flashbacks and feel slightly creeped out and anxious. so i'm leaving
holy fuck i finally got the rubber armor and duuuuude it really is shock proof! i got struck by lightning and it knocked me off my feet but only took a quarter of a heart!!!
——
guess i should make a list of taluses, hinoxes, and moldugas i KNOW ive killed :|
it won't be comprehensive but i wanna keep track of it, sigh
i'm trying to farm bokoblin guts but this one area is like all these high up bridges and platforms and they ALWAYS fall so every time i have to fly down and climb back up :|
this place was from one of the coolest parts of the trailer though i really like it
i thought foolishly to knock them all off and then go down and get them. of course they'd despawned by then </3
——
I FOUND KASS IN THE RITO STABLE? HE HAS A WIFE AND KIDS BACK HOME??
like tvtropes spoiled that for me i'll admit but im still cryin...hes so homesick!! he fulfilled a promise!!!! kass buddy i'm gonna clear those shrines for you ;_;
also update i get medals for killing all the things so ofc i gotta do that if i want 100%
i Dread the getting of the korok seeds i just dont know if i am Capable especially knowing there's no reward
like, i'm trying to get all the shrines done before i finish off the sidequests bc once i finish off the sidequests i am not gonna wanna play anymore, the story stuff and exploration stuff will mostly be over, my drive to keep going will drop dramatically, so like
gotta do the shrines first so i actually have time to WEAR the super cool armor i get
otherwise it would be sidequests, shrines, armor, but then no more playing lmao
——
I GOT IT AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL
I MAY NEVER WEAR ANYTHING ELSE
(thats a lie i gotta wear other stuff until i can get this upgraded bc the stats are so low...but its BEAUTIFUL)
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i did all the stables so why won’t kass come see his daughters? ;_;
oh ok i had to go get the cache
AWWW BUDDY
he finally knows it’s me!! furthermore zelink #confirmed thank u nintendo this is probably the most overt it’s ever been tbh
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finally fully upgraded my armor & i never wanna see another dragon again
they kept failing to spawn where they were supposed to and the only one who spawns reliably/is easy to hit/doesn’t send scales flying 100000 miles away is farosh, naydra and dinraal are absolutely horrible, naydra in particular has nowhere you can fast-travel to, you have to fast-travel to a nearby shrine and then walk a good distance no matter where you drop in at. naydra was also the most finnicky about showing up when she was supposed to
at least i figured out i can use a flame sword instead of fire arrows to light campfires
getting honey was pretty easy there’s a fuckton next to those hinox brothers and acorns are kinda everywhere
the beetles were a little more tedious but once i put them on my sensor not too bad...the worst part was turning beedle down every time he wanted one because he does a LONG speech that is SUPER annoying after the 100th time and you’re just trying to buy arrows
anyway im gonna go test the defense
surprise! lynels and guardians can still kick my ass!
everything else seems to fly right off me tho so that’s something
it’s been ages since any hinox or talus was able to put up a fight against me
i’ve still only killed about half of each tho like :/ damn they are everywhere & there’s sooo many
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i’m lowkey wondering if i will attempt to 100% this game like i do Not look forward to getting all those fucking korok seeds, at that point it is no longer fun, yk, and the reward is so stupid
also i saw a video about having to visit every major named place on the map as well
and both of those things obviously guarantee that you see EVERY INCH of this huge and exapansive and beautiful world, but i feel like if i forced myself to keep going and doing it i would learn to hate the game a little bit lmao. lowkey feel like that’s adding fake hours onto your game for something that stop being fun and turns into absolute tedium, but i guess i can understand wanting to give completionist players a reason to see EVERYTHING
we’ll just see how i feel - i still have quite a few sidequests left, and while i don’t wanna burn thru them too quickly (bc again, after they’re over my interest will drop dramatically) i also still wanna fight the minibosses and upgrade as much of my armor as i am able to
but like, who the fuck has time to farm 160ish star pieces...? not me my dude and that mmo-type drop rarity is like :/ i disapprove, that’s like...cheating. but anyway. we’ll see how far i get
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