#i cant even bring myself to feel scared of death. im just. nothing. even when im crying i dont feel anything at all | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

celestie0 · 29 days

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ellie did you hear about the solar storm thing thats been going around?

my friend gave me a detailed explanation abt what it is whats going to happen n all n honestly i am TERRIFIED.

like it genuinely seems so real that i cant even convince myself that this is another one of those silly things that go around each year

the fact that research for this solar storm has been going on since 2019 is ???? scary ????

makes it seem more believable tbh bc if it was not real it wouldn't have been going on for so long

IM SO SCARED 😭 genuinely cried when my friend was telling me ab this and she also said thwt we'll get to know ab when the solar storm is going to hit about 30 minutes before AND NOW IM PARANOID BC IT CAN HIT ANY MOMENT NOOOOO

and to top this off my mother told me that not many ppl will survive till 2027 i have no idea where she got that from but she scared me even more

this is so bad.

hii my love yess ive heard of the solar storm, i know that solar flares in general have been talked about a lot for a while now but i didn’t know that there was recent news about it!

i’m sorry you’re experiencing anxiety regarding it :””( yeahh ive heard that solar flares are near impossible to predict in advance for a lot of reasons, so that can definitely heighten the fear

hm idk if it makes you feel better but i remember nasa n other news outlets were talking about solar storms the exact same way about a year ago (i just remember telling my dad ab it cuz he works in aerospace n figured his company might’ve been discussing it) but nothing happened at all within the six month period that the news had been freaking out about LOL. i panicked a lot then too n my dad said it was just fear mongering lmfaoo 💀 (he’s kind of a cynic though haha) but yea i just bring this up because it’s not the first time this sort of news has been sensationalized

following any sort of space stuff can be scary for sure n it’s super easy to get lost in article rabbit holes that can really disrupt your quality of life in the present :( but i think there have been multiple instances of space phenomena that have been hyped up in media (even by a lot of reputable news outlets) that have not really affected daily life as much as it was thought to (like the never ending cycle of news about new asteroids, the whole aliens thing, etc)

i think it’s important to remember that the scientists that are actually behind the research are completely different entities than the people writing up articles about it online, so you always have to take the news with a grain of salt or maybe try to look into accounts from the actual researchers behind the findings (who, more often than not i’ve found, don’t even panic about their own research to the level of extent a lot of media ppl do online haha)

i’m not saying i don’t believe in the possibility of a solar storm or anything like that lol i just think there’s a lot of tendency in news these days to scare tf outta people for no reason

also correct me if im wrong but the largest danger of a solar storm would be disruption of radio & internet frequencies right? i thought they werent actually powerful enough to cause any sort of biological radiation harm ;0 loss of internet access would definitely be a weird thing to see and could put stress on more developed countries, but a lot of the world doesnt even have internet access to begin with so i’m not sure how much it will actually affect livelihood (i’m aware that it’d affect a LOT of things for sure, but i’m talking ab dangers like life or death situations, n i just cant imagine that being the case? but if you’ve looked into that more than i have n have more to share then lemme know i’m really curious)

sorry, im just bringing this all up in hopes it helps w your fears, n not to invalidate them! bc i totally get it, it’s scary stuff esp when it’s stuff you feel like you have no control over. but there’s a lot of things in life we have no control over, i think it’s best to just focus on what we can control n just try to enjoy today :)

thank u for ask bb <3

#asks

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buffenny · 2 years

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i’ve avoided putting anything on here, on my public accounts because i’m not exactly a public griever. i never will be. i originally wasn’t going to put anything here either, but i think this is the next step in this whole grieving thingy for me.

idec if anyone actually reads this, because this is a comfort for me, plus i don’t think i can stomach not saying anything about someone that meant so much to me despite having never met him. he’s got me through so much. so fucking much.

also before i get into it, i do want to mention that this is very much me rambling and may also come across sort of vent-like.

things were really rough for me last night (as im sure it was for so many other people). i cried for so so long to the point where i couldn’t breathe and the only thing i could feel was the pressure of my headache that had formed, it wasn’t even one of those pounding headaches, it was just constant. honestly i blame it on being dehydrated, L to me for not drinking water ig.

at first i thought it was some kinda of sick joke. about 10 seconds into the video i was actively hoping that it was. i don’t know how to fucking process this or how to properly grieve and i cant even imagine how anyone close to him must be feeling right now. but i bet that they’re fucking proud of him. he’s made such a positive impact on so many fucking people.

he was the first person i watched when i started watching minecrafters again. instantly i grew attached to his content and his personality. the way he interacted with his friends was just so fucking nice to watch. i cant even explain it well because who the fuck actually manages describes complex emotions like this in full??

my first art post on my twitter account was him and my first mcyt post on my instagram account was him. i

remember being fifteen fucking years old, having no friends and no one to even talk to. i remember being the loneliest i had ever been in my entire life, and i remember how much technos content helped me through that.

yesterday, when the video was uploaded to his channel, i cried the hardest i had ever cried in my entire life. i have never dealt with grief like this. i’ve never experienced death. but yesterday, everything felt wrong. nothing felt real, it didn’t feel real. i straight up, could not fucking believe it. i still cant believe it. because it doesn’t feel real. i cant wrap my head around him actually being gone.

and when i say that everything felt wrong, i mean that it felt like i couldn’t do anything. everyone was talking about distractions but i couldn’t distract myself because just the action of doing so felt like i was doing him a disservice. and don’t get me wrong, i know that’s not true, but that’s how it felt. i couldn’t listen to fucking music all day yesterday because the noise was just too loud, and the lights on in my room were too bright so i had to shut them off as well. it all felt so wrong.

today, seeing the rest of the world move on with their lives was so confusing to me. people have been so excited to watch the new stranger things episodes and i just cant. i cant bring myself to do anything like that. anything that i can’t relate back to technoblade i cant distract myself with.

i played a bit of minecraft, i watched some of his old videos, i watched phil’s stream.

it was really nice to laugh with my friends though. i’m glad that i was able to do that today. really fucking glad.

i’ve been spending a lot of time on twitter. right now the whole place is just full of love and support and other people who are grieving just as much as i am and it’s really fucking nice.

i’m kind of scared to post this because i’m not really one for being public with my emotions, and i don’t have anything like this on any of my accounts. also the fact that i know my friends will probably see this. but like i said, it felt wrong not to post anything.

it’s true that i could post something significantly shorter, but i think i’d rather post something that feels more me.

#technoblade fanart

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baroquefaolchu · 1 year

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As I find myself quickly entering what used to be considered middle age, I grow increasingly fearful I may never see the frog in the pot jump out of american norms.

The old disproved adage that a frog will stay in a pot of heating water till it dies as it slowly boils. A macabre idea in of itself but readily disproved that frogs will leave as soon as the temperature does not suit them.

But in this current era of america where we are certainly at the point where there are less home owners than those facing homelessness or home insecurity. I feel the water boiling.

Theres been jokes for years of "eat the rich" "bring out the guilloteen" ext. Years more we still watch school and relgious shootings go unresolved. So much so we become numb to death of the innocent.

There was always hope the next generation would tip the balance. Things would finally swing the pendulum of balance back to some semblance of equality or maybe even progressiveness. But here we are still facing another pointless killing. Another pointless price hike on the cost of living. Another set of biased and hateful completely misbegotten laws trying to control people they dont understand.

When i was much younger i had the energy to want to fight back. To rage against our oppressors. But now i constantly search for hope just to try and stay stable. Holding down a fully time job with a partially disabled wife, a senior mother working part time to help keep up the rent and feed herself. And a young puppy who brings me much joy and love but fear if i fail to be capable of caring for her with my limited means.

Ive lost my child hood home long ago. Moved hours away from my home town to try to find something survivable. Do everything i can muster the energy to do things for the sake of my own wellness but fall far behind anything considered true care.

And here i sit. Sure with a computer. With a phone. With a car. And at least for the time a roof over my head and food in my pantry. Many things some cant even hope to hold onto. But when i tell you i have tears in my eyes thinking about how one bad day could bring me down to there. How i struggle to keep what i have. And yet how i wish i could do more to prevent the suffering of those worse off than me so much it hurts!

I just wonder...how much more can i take? How much more can WE take? The jokes and coping of years mean nothing when we cant even make sure people have homes. Or healthcare. Or food. I watch france try to burn itself down for 2 year change in retirement age. And just think" wow 64 would be nice!" Knowing ill likely work till my death.

I just want to cry. Im scared. I feel the bubbles form between my toes.

#frog in pot #personal rant #america #hopelessness #cry of fear #depressed #medicated

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necrocat · 1 year

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TW DEATH TW BUGS TW RELIGION TW DRUGS

aye yo tw graphic death shit under the cut and also religious talk and also just me venting and being emotional

my last reblog of dale gribble just like made me flat out start sobbing. dale gribble always reminded me of my grandpas nephew kenny. I always had a really weird relationship with kenny. He wasnt a great guy. He was a terrible father to his kids. We had to take in his kids so many times because CPS wanted to take them away. He was a polyaddict, mostly using alcohol towards the end but im pretty sure he was cleaning up his act. He was trying.

He was at my house a few days before christmas and he was in the basement working on our furnace with my grandpa. Kenny always did shit work and it never stayed fixed and usually ended up being worse after he got his hands on it, but he still came and helped. I was pissed he was here because he’s unvaccinated and wouldnt get vaccinated despite our pleas and despite us even taking him to the location he needed to get it done. I resented him a lot. He pissed me off a lot. My grandparents had contracted covid from him the year before. I couldnt wait for him to leave. I’ll regret not going down and telling him “Merry Christmas” for the rest of my life. We were the last family he saw aside from his ex who was actively trying to get him thrown in jail. Why the fuck am I such a bitch. I hate myself for that. I will always hate myself for that.

We bantered a lot when we saw each other. He would say im “as pretty as a hubcap” He reminded me a lot of my dad. I think thats what hurts a lot. He reminded me of like…. the good parts of my dad. The funny parts. The witty parts. Kenny did drugs with my dad when they were younger. Kenny never stopped fighting for his kids despite being a shitty father. I hated and loved kenny at the same time. It was a weird relationship. I cared about him a lot more than I thought.

Around New Years Eve Kenny had went to visit his ex in a womens shelter. On his way home the muffler fell off of his truck. Kenny never did things the right way. He tempted fate almost constantly. He pulled off to the side of the road and hiked his car up with an old rusty jack just like he had done so many times. It wasnt enough. It wasnt enough the many times he had done it before but he just got lucky. We dont know exactly what happened, he could have kicked it, a big truck could have drove by and jostled it, we dont know, but the jack fell, and his car crushed him. He got squashed like a fucking bug and god im crying againbbecause dale gribble is an exterminator. It just feels so fucked up. Its not fucking fair. It just feels fucked up and evil. I have never coped well with things coming to an end.

Lately Ive felt so much resentment towards my grandpas method of grieving and i feel so guilty for that. Kenny was the closest thing to a biological son my grandpa ever had. I just wish he would mourn in his own way without bringing me into it. It seems that he gets this motivation to convert everyone when someone dies because he gets scared we’ll die and wont go to heaven because we havent been saved. It drives me crazy. Nothing about this death makes me want to become closer to god. I cant stand hearing people who didnt even fucking know kenny saying he got “called home to god”Try telling that to his fucking kids who are in foster care. Why the fuck would a god SMASH SOMEONE UNDER THEIR CAR. Why would god torment someone for their whole lives and then end it with a big disgusting smash. I dont like that god. I dont believe in that god. I condemn that god. Why cant tragic shit just happen? Its terrible. its heartwrenching. Why does it have to have some deeper meaning? Everyone fucking failed kenny. Everyone failed him. He never got a fighting chance to begin with. If there is a god that god failed kenny. squashed like a bug. His whole life he was treated like a pest and I was a part of that. It makes me feel ill. It makes me feel angry. It makes me want to scream and rip my hair out. Theres nothing I can do. The coroner said his death was sudden. He didnt suffer. I hope its true. I hope it was nothing but a warm embrace. I hope is pain is over. I hope his kids are in loving hands.

#personal #vent

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sunarintoes · 3 years

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heyyyyy! can i have carnation with dazai, pls? thanksss 💞

Carnation; women and love

Dazai Osamu x gn!reader (dazai refers to reader as Juliet (once) and belladonna)

wc: ~1k

You frown as you watch Dazai prance around the Armed Detective Agency with a dopey smile adorning his pretty face. He links his slender arm with Haruno as he cheerily explains his new double suicide plan, your frown deepens as he continues to chatter with her - she’s obsviosuly not interested, why would she be? But it's not like Dazai cares, afterall, his love for women is all surface level - appearance based and nothing else. And you know that. So why are you so jealous that his attention is not on you?

You let out an annoyed huff and remove your eyes from the dastardly scene only to set your eyes on an equally as dastardly scene - Ranpo doing the ‘fluffy bunny challenge.’ God you hate it here sometimes. Well not really, but you certainly find yourself questioning the antiques of the ADA’s eccentric members more often than not.

“Yn!” You hear Ranpo say, “Come hew anf join meh!”

“No thanks Ranpo-san, I'd rather not.”

Kunikida looks at you with a shocked expression: “Y-you can understand him?”

“Mm yeah I guess?”

“How?” he whispers.

You smile and mouth ‘I'm not sure.’ His face twists even more and you giggle at it, “Don't look so perplexed kunikida-san!” He grumbles a response before heading back to his desk.

“Ynnnie~”

You grimace.

“The Great Detective needs you~”

“... How can I help you with Ranpo-san?”

“Navigating the complexities of catching public transport!” He declares.

“... Why me?”

“Well it's not like you have anything else to do.”

“Mayb-”

“Wrong!” Calls Dazai who suddenly appears right next to you - draping his long body over your’s. “Yn and I are going on a date!”

“We are-”

“Yes! A double suicide!” he exclaims with a sigh. “Oh how beautiful~ you and me, me and you. Holding each other as if we were clinging to dear life itself. My arms enveloped around you, yours around me. My forehead to yours! And as we take our dying breath we proclaim our love to each other! Oh Ynnie! Will you do a double suicide with me?”

You feel your cheeks heat up, “I-”

“Tempting, I know. You won't miss any of these dirty bastards! I promise you! Life after death is beautiful… like you,” he winks.

“Dazai-san, I have work to do.”

He looks to you with an expression that reeks of overdramatic sadness, totally fake, and then he slumps to the floor with a hand over his heart. “Oh woe is me. My dear Juliet! Why must thou make my heart ache.”

“We live in the twenty-first century dude.”

“No! I-”

“Are ya coming or not Ynie,” Ranpo says with a grumble, “I can't do it alone!”

“I'll come with you, don't worry Yn-chan!” Says Atsushi.

“Mm are you sure?”

“Yeah but,” he moves in closer to you, “Please do something about Dazai-san, we have a mission to do later.”

“Yeah will do,” you smile at him as he guides Ranpo out of the ADA. Then you turn to Dazai, he is still wallowing on the floor, failing to garner sympathy and attention. “So Dazai-san. What can I help you with? You seem restless.”

“I am restless without your love belladonna!”

You roll your eyes. “Okay Romeo. Now get up!”

“Anything for you mi amor.” You scowl at him and curse yourself for feeling heat creep up onto you. Your only hope is for him to not notice but Dazai being Dazai notices it anyway. “Oh~ my belladonna how beautiful you are when you're shy for me!” He moves closer to you - his mouth hovering inches over your ear, “Do I make you flustered, dear?”

You feel a shiver run down your spine as you choke out an answer. “C-come on. Let's just go get some coffee or something.” You get up and quickly walk out of the agency, Dazai hot on your heels.

Once you are far out of sight from the agency Dazai slumps against the wall, “How tragic! My own girlfriend doesn't even reciprocate my love!”

“Huh? Osamu, it was literally your idea to keep our relationship a secret!”

He continues to whine, “but belladonna~ I just want the world to know that you're mine! Why cant you be more affectionate with me outside of the bedroom- ow! Why'd you hit me?” he pouts.

“Don't make it sound dirty! Besides, it's your fault. You wanted to keep it a secret so I'm keeping it a secret.”

“Ah my dearest don't pout.”

“Then tell me what you want because youre making me confused.”

He cocks his head to the side which pulls at your heartstrings, “i want you of course-”

“No! Osamu, you don't! Cause if you wanted me you wouldn't hide our relationship or flirt with every other girl you see!”

“Yn…” he pulls you into his chest, “Im sorry,” he mumbles. He wraps his arms around you and runs his hands through your hair. “I guess I was just scared of…”

“Of what?” you say, your arms still limp besides you.

“Of losing you? Of being vulnerable? Of showing that I do care for you? I- I don't know… but I guess I wanted to keep you to myself and I’m scared of the port mafia finding you because they're so powerful and they wouldn't miss the opportunity to take you and do horrible thi-”

“It's okay, I understand.”

His arms tighten their hold around you, “Really?” he mumbles, “You do?”

A small smile tugs at your lips, “Of course I do but that doesn't mean I'm not hurt by your actions.”

“Let me make it up to you with a date-”

“Just a date?” you raise your eyebrow.

“And I'll clear up the misunderstandings with the assistants.”

You nod your head, “I like that.”

“I like you.”

“Well I love you.”

He giggles as he brings himself level to your face. You smile as he presses his soft lips on your cheek, “I love you too.”

“So were you really jealous huh?”

“N-no no i was not, why would i be-”

“Awww you were jealous that my attention wasnt on you!”

“Huh? Why would I be jealous of a damned womanizer!”

“Owwies that hurts,” he pouts.

#dazai #dazai osamu #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #dazai fluff #dazai drabble #request #flower prompts <3

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organic-guacamole · 3 years

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episode 210 here we go

awww seb doing the intro

congratulations to milky white and her baby chocolate milk😌

seb is so funny

but seriously, clean up that milk fast or else it will smell so bad in there....

was that Lauryn just randomly doing cartwheels? idk any theatre kids irl but that seems like it's a common thing...

is it just me or has ms Jenn been getting more harsh to Ricky and Seb mainly-

like what did they do to her

no because I actually snorted with laughter at the "you came back" WHAT IS THAT VOICE-

AND THE MASK OMG

yeah so my throat hurts now

I'm dying over here

KOURTNEY'S FACE

SAME GIRL SAME

Ricky's fake death got the whole place in tears /s

he looks like an asthmatic walrus

Seb's on piano, I love

we all know if he was the beast we'd all actually be crying✋

ok but I listen to Julia's version of home on Spotify when I want to cry-

right so gimme a second

is Ricky scratching his face.....while he's dying?

"belle i-" *flop*

round of applause to Ashlyn for trying to make Ricky's earthworm seizure look less.... yknow

Kourtney's just dying there

WAIT IS THAT NATALIE

did she really just disappear for 9 episodes just to come back and stare dramatically into the camera

WAIT SCRATCH THAT SHES HERE TO MURDER ASHLYN AND RICKY

oh so Ricky's wearing a gay shirt now too

so that's the real reason why Rini broke up, see y'all next season when Gini and caswen become canon /j

wait that was a long intro scene-

what was that look Carlos-

TALK TO MY BOY OR ELSE

carlos' run is so funny to me

therapist Ashlyn to the rescue

"that is...super" son you good?

ms Jenn call Benjamin, he would willingly put his loved ones on a rocket and blast them into Venus for you....

maybe

"I don't want you kids to be disappointed" girl you do realise you're the one that's most invested in this?

"a smooth opening night" wasn't there just 1 show though-

like their opening night was closing night too

"I think I was Troy at one point" PLEASE THATS THE MOST ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE SEASON 1 FINALE

me Jenn looks like a serial killer during that clap and I'm lowkey scared for zacky

"I have notes"

oo if you're taking suggestions, lemme get my list

"mother is freaking out" uhhhhhh

right....'mother"

"is everyone sitting down?"

*looks around awkwardly*

*big red slowly sits*

"no..."

please seb was the only one sitting-

does that mean Carlos looked at Seb as soon as he walked in and assumed that everyone else was sitting too or am I a seblos clown🤡

"is this about the transformation"

WOW MAYBE OT IS RICKY

WOW HES A DETECTIVE FOR FIGURING THAT OUT SO QUICK🤩

YO WHY IS NATALIE HERE-

she just shows up when it's convenient? is she gonna be at the sleepover too?

Seb's heavy swallow after Carlos shouts at him makes me so sad

"I never learned how to lie but I figure if I keep my mouth closed, I can't tell the truth" *nods and smiles at Nini when she asks*

why are they casually standing up all over the pizza shop, just sit at a big table and talk instead of blocking passageways and blocking off at least 6 tables-

"how about I invite myself" WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO INVITE THEMSELVES TO ASHLYN'S HOUSE-

YOU CAN ASK BUT JUST FORCE YOUR WAY IN?

so Cash Caswell has a bigger house than... Dennis Caswell.... who would've thought

ah yes there's the good old EJ 1.0

Nini: "boys vs girls"

Gina: *looks devastated and glances longingly at EJ*

way to be inconspicuous

"but north high should be" *cracks her knuckles in the most uncomfortable way*

good for Ashlyn for getting more confident though

oo bossy big red

"i get bossy around the power tools"

is that why Ashlyn was holding up the drill in episode 8 orrrr 🤠

Lily, leave him alone please

she's literally not blinking, is that what makes her creepy?

the diss at big red and his face afterwards is priceless

isn't that similar to what Gina's mom said to her in season 1? hmmmm

but seriously please don't try to redeem lily, let us have a character to hate, or to love because they're evil.

not everyone's a good guy.

"im not liked here and I don't know what to do"

let antoine finish his salad and it'll fix everything

"hug emoji" *gags*

y'all realize Lily's literally 14?

why is she calling a 16/17 year old from another school for personal advice-

"he gets weird around tools"

I shouldn't be laughing so hard

"deja vu maybe?" awkward silence

I'm dying here I love EJ so so so so much

"where's seb"

*cuts to seb being held hostage hoping that they'd notice he's missing and go look for him*

"don't ask"

"oh ok"

"100% real faux fur" as you should queen

sponsored by target

Kourtney is singlehandedly saving the entire show.

Seb making finger guns make me happier than it should

why is this kinda making me want to have a co-ed sleepover with my non-existent theatre friends

YES YOU DO NEED TO TALK/SING TO SEB CARLOS THANK YOU FOR KNOWING THAT

wait what-

you haven't talked to him all WEEK-

Carlos are you stupid /hj

Benjamin is so adorable I can't

he turned around to come back for her instead of going home. you're "what do you want Jenn🙄X act isn't fooling anyone Benjamin 🙃

10101

1+4+16= 21st?

they placed 21st?

or do I just not remember how to convert to base ten

GIRL DON'T BE RUDE TO HIM, HE'S GONNA SAVE YALL

no ms Jenn, the kids are not eccentric 35 year olds.

aww sebby

is he thinking that Carlos is only with him cuz he's the only other openly gay guy at school-

son you are a perfect little bean don't put yourself down

yes they all ship portwell as they should.

they'll be throwing risotto at the wedding.

not the chocolates. stop there are no chocolates. please stop I'm dying.

Gina you don't have to explain yourself to her

it was a misunderstanding and it's in the past

why is Ashlyn still laughing-

exactly it wasn't a big deal please just move on Nini

Kourtney really be out here saving everything

WHY IS ASHLYN STILL LAUGHING

why do I feel like when Gina finally told Ash about it, she didn't think it was that funny but wanted to feel included in the inside joke so now she brings it up randomly to show that she's in on it....I totally don't do that...

"idk, the farmer type" oh son...

Ashlyn and big red are just spilling the secrets back and forth huh?

OOO EJ AND GINA SITTING IN A TREE K-I-S-S-I-

cmon guys don't look at me like that-

"she is the best" and "we're buddies" don't sound right together

"pretty boy" "sweet boy" best ways to describe EJ

I love him.

and aw he's scared of rejection so he'll hold back just to keep her happy and not awkward how sweet

is Ricky wondering if letting her go(literally his song from last episode) was the best thing he did for Nini because he doesn't feel like it now? hmmm this is getting good

why is everyone so invested in Kourtney and Howie's relationship

PACK UP THE LAZY RICKY THING

oh yes Benji, that's exactly what she's doing

she couldn't follow her dream or whatever so now she's using the kids to gain some of the success she craves. why else would she have that massive hsm poster with her name on it in huge letters in her office.

just casually grab his hand with both your hands and stare at him creepily 🥰

ship jennzzara y'all

the first bump was a missed opportunity to do the baymax "falalala" as a reference to the fact that they watched big hero six while committing arson✋

wait so big red and EJ just left Ricky in the basement and now Ricky invited Carlos when they're supposed to be at the stage?

help no Ricky looks like he's about to tell Carlos he likes him (I know it's about writing the song for seb but still, look at his body language and tell me it doesn't look like that)

Ricky is so mature about this, he really just wants Nini to be happy even though he's hurting-

baby you deserve love, maybe Nini isn't the one for you but don't say you don't deserve it

why does he keep adding bro to the end like he doesn't know how to address Carlos

PLEASE CARLOS HAVING TO ADDRESS THE BRO THING

"let's write a song when we have like 45 minutes to get to the place and help our friends possibly win $50000 at the show in 2 weeks"

"can you hit a high C?"

"that's like the bottom of my range"

why am I laughing

this is so cool to see friendship interactions that we don't normally get to see

Nini why are you being like this-

Gina did nothing wrong??

I saw that, EJ and Gina being the only ones going in the same direction👀

right so obviously Kourtney's waiting until after the menkies to get back with Howie just in case he really is just using her as a way in to east high... obviously... right?

CARLOS

OK ITS COMING GET READY YALL

Why is portwell so awkward all of a sudden

OMG EJ

OMG GINA SAY YES or not, do what you want.

the way she doubts that EJ would genuinely ask so she has to make sure it's not Ashlyn behind it

THE "NOT THAT I KNOW OF"

LIKE WHAT GINA SAID TO JACK ABOUT EJ BEING HER BOYFRIEND

GUYS THEY'RE SOULMATES

I want risotto now please

THEY'RE SO SWEET AND ADORABLY AWKWARD ITS LIKEEK LITTLE KIDS

OOOOOOO what is this place that seblos is in, looks fancy....and secluded

oh wait no Ricky's just standing there

wait is it the bomb shelter

it looks so good what

HSKAGSJAGAJAGWISGSKAUASBWKSVAIWBAISBQKSHIQBWOABWOABDOQBZIQBAIAQBSIWBQISVQKSIANSGOQBSAISBKASBKWBAIABQOSBBSJAHAJAVAJSBAJHSKAHSJAHAJAJAAJAHHHHHHHH

@youranxiousnerd ARE YOU OK?

CUZ IM NOT OK

LOOK AT SEBBY'S FACE

LOOK AT HOW ADORABLE IT IS

THE LYRICS ARE KILLING ME

SEBLOS IS KILLING ME

I AM DEAD

PLEASE SEND HELP

I like to imagine that Frankie and Joe practiced this in their apartment and just had a blast with it.

or maybe that Frankie practiced in secret like what Joe did for the climb

OH THE SUITS

THATS WHERE THAT CLIP IN THE PROMO WAS FROM

AWWW SEBBY'S SO CUTE

HE'S A LITTLE MARSHMALLOW

they're still so awkward with the dance I cant

let's appreciate Frankie's voice though

this episode really was made just for the seblos and portwell stans and you gotta love it

BIG RED GET OUT

WHY DOES HE ALWAYS DO THIS

Seb's little "yeah" IS ADORABLE

you can't tell me that wouldn't have been the best time for them to say I love you....IF FREAKIN BIG RED WASN'T THERE

ok but wait Ricky needs more hugs like that, look at his face

the boy needs love

"bro" please don't let Ricky and Carlos go back to not talking because their friendship is amazing

EJ laughing at Ricky sounding like a cat coughing up a furball is so funny to me

RICKY'S FLOP GETS ME EVERYTIME

I knew it was too good to be true

ok so Ricky's dead, next in line please

this episode was so short but I love it so much. this is what I signed up for for season 2✋

#hsmtmts #hsmtmts s2 #hsmtmts season 2 #ej caswell #ricky bowen #gina porter #hsmtmts spoilers #seblos #seb mathew smith #carlos rodriguez #big red #ashlyn caswell #kourtney greene #lily hsmtmts #ms jenn #mr mazzara #natalie bagley #guac's episode text blocks :)

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waifu-13 · 3 years

Text

COLORS Dabi x reader angst

warnings - slight abuse mention, death mention, badspelling

"Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so.

You said your mother only smiled on her tv show.

YOUR ONLY HAPPY WHEN YOUR SORRY HEAD IS FILLED WITH DOPE."

You just spit words of venom into your boyfriend, Dabi's face, another fight between what once was a thriving young love.

Enraged he screams back, "YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY FAMILY, LEAVE THEM OUT OF OUR FIGHTS."

You finally had a enough of this. The last words you said to him...

"I HOPE YOU MAKE IT TO THE DAY YOUR 28 YEARS OLD."

And with that you storm off, leaving Dabi all by himself to think back on what happened. Were you really gone for good? Maybe...

{a few years later}

Your sitting at you and your new boyfriends house, watching a movie with his little sister. Until she looks at you and asks, "Tell me about your love like the movie?"

In that moment you flash back to the memories of your love.

{flash back}

Your laying on your boyfriends lap. He looks at you and asks, "Why do u love me?" You sit up to look at him and answer after thinking for a moment.

"You're dripping like a saturated sunrise.

You're spilling like an overflowing sink.

You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece."

He scoffs a bit at your cheesy answer, but kisses you right after.

{end of flash back}

"EARTH TO Y/N." You hear a voice yell bringing you back to reality.

So tell me about your love. You looked at the child in front of you and answer. Looking at your, current, hero boyfriend.

"Well everything is blue, his pills, his hands his jeans.

That's the best way to describe him kiddo." She looks at you confused.

"Y/n that didn't answer my questionnnn. Can you tell me more please?" You look at her kindly and give a slight nod before answering again.

"Of course kiddo,

Now im covered in the colors pulls apart at the seams.

Everything is white, his smoke, his hair, his dreams. And now he's so devoid of color.

Does that explain it?"

"YEAH THANKS Y/N!! Do you really feel all of that about my brother?"

"Ah, yes of course. Let's just watch the movie yeah?" You both turn your attention back to the movie, but your mind wonders off again.

{flash back}

"What other cheesey shit can you say?"

"Wow, so rude to your girlfriend huh #####?"

"Just saying baby." He chuckles enjoying ntge reaction he got from teasing you. "Tell me more."

"As you wish,

your a vision of the morning, of the morning light when the sun came through.

I know I've only felt religion when i've lied with you."

{flashback over}

"BABY YOU THERE?? " You snap back to realty seeing the man standing infront of you.

"Yeah sorry im not feeling well." you respond to explain your odd behavior.

"Oh ok? Let's go to bed early then. I have patrol super early tomorrow, plus im looking for some villain guy." you simply nod.

You and your boyfriend walk to your shared room. You both climb right into bed. He puts on the news and looks at you.

"What were you talking about when talking to my sister?"

"Well you of course. She asked about my love so..."

"Huh. Would you like to explain more?"

"Yeah, sure." In the middle of explaining you think of your last fight with Dabi. The words he screamed back...

{flash back}

"YEAH YOU THINK YOU'LL BE FORGIVEN?

YOU'LL NEVER BE FORGIVEN TILL YOUR BOYS ARE TOO,

YOUR ONE OF US Y/N."

"WELL IM STILL WAKING EVERY MORNING AND ITS NOT WITH YOU,

THAT HURTS I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE WE'RE OVER DABI."

"Y/N WAIT! DO-"

{end of flash back}

"Babe?? Earth to y/n?"

Pulling yourself out of a flash back once again, you shook your head and tried to focus. Clearing your head of the night you dreaded so much.

"Yeah sorry. I mean- Do u want me to repeat myself?"

"Yeah, what you said earlier was sweet somehow." He kissed your cheek as you utter the same words to the question from before.

"Everything is blue His pills, his hands, his jeans

Now im covered in the colors pulls apart at the seams.

Everything is white, his smoke, his hair, his dreams. And now he's so devoid of color he don't know what it means.

And he's blue."

"Thanks babe. I'm so happy I was able to help you turn your life around. And now I have he best partner." He praises you and holds you close.

"Same love, samee". In that moment you wish you were with your self in your thoughts.

{flashback}

"Y/N WHY ARE YOU LEAVING! YOU DON'T MEAN IT RIGHT? I LOVE YOU." Your blue and you liked me because I was red, but you touched me, and suddenly I was a lilac sky. Then you decided purple just wasn't for you.

"Dabi I love you too but I-"

{end of flash back}

"On tonight's news infamous villain Dabi has been rumored to have died during this arrest tonight." You stared at the screen in disbelief. Did you hear that right? The world started to blur and you let out a sob. Your boyfriend looked at you and finally put everything together.

"YOU STILL LOVE THAT VILLAIN! WAS WHO YOU WERE DESCRIBING?" Without answering him you get up and run to the one place you know to look for Dabi. Praying that he'll still be alive.

You arrive at the lov hide out.

"Dabi, is he...? " You couldn't finish your sentence, the words get caught in your throat.

"He is y/n. "

"Now leave. You left us to join the heros. Dabi wouldn't have wanted to see you anyway. "

"That's a lie handys man. And u know it." Toga says as she throws herself at you, all while glaring daggers at Shigaraki. The truth from twice and the hurtful words from Shigaraki were to much for you. In-between sobs you say "Let me join. Please."

"Fine, whatever. Just leave me alone." Shigaraki rolls his eyes.

Toga helps guide you to Dabi's room. You lie down on his bed and grab his pillow. You start crying even harder. The love of ur life was gone. Your blue. Everything you loved, or so u thought... Late that night, while still crying like a lost child on the verge of giving up and passing out. You hear the door open.

"Go away toga." You mange to voice.

" Afraid I can't, after all this is my room." You recognize that voice! You shoot up and see Dabi beaten badly, but alive. You run over to him and hold him tight.

"Dabi. I missed you. I thought you were gone."

"I know baby, I missed you too. I'm sorry I had to scare you to get you back here." You squint up at him with your puffy eyes

"What to you mean Dabi?"

"I knew you missed me. I just didn't know how to get you away from that hero." You looked at him shocked. How would he know? Did he tap your phone? Almost as if he could read your mind he starts to explain.

{flash back} (Dabi's pov)

"I hate this. Why can't I take a brake Toga? "

"Because your gonna wanna see this." He scoffs, what could possibly be so important.

"See what?" As soon as the words leave his lips, he sees you, sitting with that stupid hero. At least your happy now. "Why the hell would I wanna see that? She looks happy with that asshole."

"NO! look again."

"Nothing's gonna change if I do." Yet he still looks again. He missed your smile. But then he notices you looking down at the small burn he left on your arm that dreadful night. "Is she smiling at it?" He sounded surprised.

"YEAHHH SHE MISSES YOU!"

"Huh... Let's go brat, I got some planning to do."

"OOH YOU GONNA WIN HER BACKK?"

{end of flash back}

-and that's how I knew." Your villain lover explained.

"Dabi?"

"Yes y/n?"

Can we get back together again? I missed you and I was wrong. I wasn't happy with him."

"Shhh... You we're always mine. And I was always yours. So of course we can." You hug your boyfriend tight that night afraid he may just slip away again....

Everything is blue. His pills. His hands. His jeans.

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joannie95 · 4 years

Text

Before You Go

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader platonic Steve Rogers x Reader platonic

Summary: Sometimes all you need is for someone to ask “are you okay?”

Word Count: 2k+

Warnings: Talk of depression and mental health, talk of death, angst

A/N:I actually wrote something its some sort of miracle. seriously though im sorry for not updating legacy, work has gotten very stressful lately and that has been my main focus. Ill try to write more but I cant make any promises and I hope this story makes up for it.

A/N; This story was inspired by before you go by Lewis Capaldi. This story means a lot to me because at one point in my life I have had thoughts similar to the ones i wrote about. Thank you to @mo320 for proofreading

Bucky's pov

"I hate her"

"No you don't."

"Yes I do. Why did she have to leave, why couldn't she just tell me what was wrong instead she decided to leave me."

"Bucky are you listening to yourself right now? You're making this about you, you're not mad that she left you're mad that you didn't see what was going on with her."

Maybe Steve had a point. She always seemed so happy and I was so preoccupied with what was happening in my life that I didn't see that she was hurting.

Y/N's pov

You looked at your reflection in the mirror and tried to compose and make yourself presentable for the day. You can feel that you're dying inside, you feel like you'd be a burden on your friends if they knew how you felt so all the hurt and all the pain is being pushed down for you to deal with on your own. You are brought back to reality when you hear a knock at the door, you wipe away the tears you didn't notice had fallen.

You walk to your front door but before opening it you put on your most believable smile. As soon as the door is open your best friend Bucky walks in with a bag of takeout in his hand.

He places the bag on your coffee table and slumps down on your couch. "She was supposed to be the one, we could have been so happy together but instead I find her kissing some random guy."

You walk over to the couch and sit next to him, he lays his head on your lap and you run your fingers through his hair and chuckle. "Quit being dramatic, you went on 3 dates and she told you it wasn't serious. And that "random" guy was her ex, they broke up a month ago and we all knew they were bound to get back together once they got their heads out of their ass."

He sits back up and places his head on your shoulder as you lightly stroke his arm. "Yeah i know, it's nice to dream though."

You sit up and look at him. "Come on no moping, let's eat, get drunk and watch movies all night. What do you say?"

He laughs at your eagerness. "Alright fine." He picks up the remote and finds a movie. "you're always so happy and make everything better, how do you do it?"

A lot of practice you think to yourself. You smile and hope he believes this false front you're putting up.

You spent your day off at home, you tried so hard not to let your thoughts get to you. But once again you failed, you're a failure you couldn't even manage to get out of bed. What's the point of trying anymore if you'll never be good enough. The ringing next to you brings you back to reality, you see Bucky's name on the screen and answer hoping the cheery tone in your voice is enough to make him think you're fine. "Hey Buck, what's up?

"Nothing much really, long day at work and I just want to forget it. I was wondering if you wanted to go out to a bar tonight."

You hesitated, not really feeling up for human interaction at the moment. "I don't know, I'm kinda tired. I've been cleaning all day."

"Please y/n, it's been a long day and I just want to hangout with my best friend and have a fun night."

You don't want to but if you say no then maybe he'll find other friends that do want to go out and have fun. Then you'll be alone but maybe you deserve to be alone, maybe...

"Y/N. So what do you say?'

You let out a breath. "Yeah why not."

"Awesome you're the best. I'll pick you up in an hour."

You force yourself out of bed and make yourself presentable enough so you don't embarrass Bucky.

You and Bucky have been at the bar for nearly an hour. The night started out well, you let him lead the conversation and kept a smile on your face but you're noticing his attention is elsewhere. "Bucky, did you hear me?"

"What?" He turns back to you quickly. "Yeah you were saying?"

"I asked if you're alright, you seem distracted."

He looked towards the other side of the bar before bringing his attention back to you. "I'll be right back."

Before you had time to object he was gone. You saw him walking towards a tall blond with bright green eyes. Of course, she was gorgeous and you were well, just you. He was probably embarrassed to be seen with you. You pulled your shoulders in wishing you were invisible.

About 15 minutes later Bucky came walking back with a big smile on his face. "Hey doll I hope it's alright but i'm gonna head out." He looked back at the girl a few feet behind him. "Will you be alright getting home?"

You tried not to look disappointed, you understood he'd rather spend time with anyone but you. Like second nature you put a smile on your face to hide the truth. "Of course, have fun. I'll talk to you later."

"Thanks your the best." He kissed your forehead before quickly leaving with his new date.

You turned back around in your seat and willed yourself not to cry. You paid your tab and wiped the tear that was about to fall before rushing out of the bar. You were so lost in your thoughts you didn't hear someone calling you till you felt a hand on your shoulder and you jumped in fear. You turned around and saw your friend Steve.

"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you. I was calling you but you didn't hear me, are you okay? I saw Bucky leaving with someone before I had the chance to say hi."

"Yeah I'm fine, I was tired anyways just ready to head home."

"Okay." He noticed the look on your face. You were smiling but your eyes seemed so sad, it seemed familiar to him. "well let me at least walk you home, it's late and I'd feel better making sure you got home safe."

"You don't have to do that, I'm fine. You should go enjoy your Friday night." He's probably pitying you, you're nothing but a burden to him.

"Please. I just want to make sure you're okay."

You nod and quietly continue walking home.

After some time Steve speaks up. "Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you're doing."

You try and act calm. "I'm fine Steve, just a lot of work is all. Nothing you should worry about."

"That's the thing though I am worried. The way you've been acting is the same way my dad used to act. He tried to put up this tough front and act like he was fine but he wasn't. There were days when he just couldn't get out of bed, at the time I didn't understand what was wrong. He needed help but he didn't want to admit it."

You came to a stop in front of your apartment building. You wiped away the tears that were starting to form as Steve continued to speak.

"You have the same look on your face as he did when you think you people aren't looking. I regret not asking him this, it's too late for him but not for you." Tears were forming in his eyes as he was reliving the memories of losing his dad. "I need you to tell me, are you okay and what can I do to help you?"

You started to shake your head, you didn't want to put your problems onto him. Steve had enough going on in his life, how dare you burden other people with your problems.

Almost as if he knew what you were thinking he pulled you into a tight hug. "I promise you are not a burden to me or any of your friends, we love you and we just want to help."

The dam broke and once you started crying you couldn't stop. "It hurts everyday Steve and it won't stop. I try my hardest to be strong but I can't do it anymore. I can't act like I'm okay when I'm dying inside. I hate myself and I hate that I'm causing you problems. I just, I feel worthless and I can't."

"You need help, it's the only way things will get better. You can't let this eat away at you till you can't take it anymore, we can't lose you. It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless."

Steve stays over that night, you talk and understand the best thing for you to do is move back home with your dad in Seattle and get the proper help you need. You call your dad and apologize for waking him up before explaining the situation, he's more than happy to welcome you back home. You and Steve spend the rest of the night making a plan. You'll take what's most necessary to Seattle and leave the rest in storage until you're ready, if you're ever ready to return to New York.

You don't see or hear from Bucky again till a few days later. By then you're all packed up and ready to leave waiting for your cab to arrive. He pulls up to your building and sees you hugging Steve and suitcases by your side.

"Thank you for everything Steve, I didn't realize how much help I really needed if it weren't for you."

"Of course, I just want you to be okay. Don't be afraid to call me if you ever need to talk and I promise to visit." He turns around when he hears a car door close and sees Bucky walking towards the both of you. "I think i should get going now, call me when you land." With that said he walks towards his car and greets Bucky before driving off.

Bucky walks towards you confused about the situation. "Hey, what's going on? Are you going on a trip you didn't tell me about?"

"I'm going home to Seattle Bucky." Your grip tightens on your suitcase handle.

"To visit? How long are you going for?"

You let out a breath. "No, I'm not sure how long I'll be gone."

"Wait, what do you mean." He started to raise his voice at you. "Were you just going to leave without telling me? How can you do this to me? We're supposed to be best friends."

"Yes we are supposed to be best friends so tell me why you never notice something was wrong. Bucky, if we were really best friends you would have noticed how depressed I am. I felt, I feel like I'm dying inside some days but you're so preoccupied with your love life you couldn't be bothered to notice. Look Bucky, I care about you and I want you to be happy but right now I need to focus on me and I can't do that here."

He started to cry once he knew the truth. "I'm sorry, i'm sorry I didn't notice but please don't leave me."

Your cab pulled up and it was time to leave, the driver took your bags and you asked him to give you a minute. You pulled Bucky to the side. "I'm sorry but I have to go now. I hope I can be well enough one-day to come back but for now I can't be here." You pull him into one last hug and kiss his forehead before letting go.

Before you get into your cab with tears in his eyes he speaks up. "Before you go. Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?"

"Honestly, all you had to do was ask are you okay?" And with that you left, hopefully one day soon you'd be able to return as a better person in a better place.

@agentmarvel13 @1v-kayla @5sos-wdw @a-dancing-hufflepuff @agent-barnes40 @agreatcheesecakestudentstuff @annoylinglyaries @antclottz @avngrsinitiative @bradfordsgreekgod @babypink224221 @captainam-erika-trash @carisi-sonny @caseymcflurry @chook007 @cosmiccomicloverqueen @daniellajocelyn @doctoranon @ecamille-xo @editsbyjenny @ellieababy @eternaleviee @futuremissstark @geeksareunique @gummiwormsandonedirection @henrietteoaks @hermionie-is-my-queen @imahoeforbucky @ineedmorefanfics @isabella-bby @jaemingold @jamessbarnnes @junitorials13 @katykyll @keenmarvellover @klanceiscannon14 @lady-sigyn @littlephoenix-fire @lovemarvelousfics @l0kisbitch @luckyfiction17 @ludwigvonbaethoven @maddie-laufeyson @magnificentsoulecollector @mikariell95 @mistressoftorture @moli1497 @nanajaeminniee @orderoftheflamingflamingos @oxodianaoxo @paintballkid711 @pastelpurplexoox @peteyparkersbabyy @princessizzy36 @shallowshawn @sillydecoy @spodermanpete @starstruckgardenstudentzonk @stuckyandsciencebros @superhero2552 @thatharrypotterfan13 @thatweirdchick147 @the-ducks-umbrella @tienna-laufeyson16 @trustme3-13 @wishiwasanavenger @xalinx @yougottalovefandoms @zaza-jones @izzyisavengersupernaturaltrash @angstysebfan @rarelikesel

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #Bucky Barnes #Steve Rogers #before you go

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axel-mania · 3 years

Text

yesterday was the first time i met someone with ehlers-danlos. i was seeing her because she is a physical therapist with the disease i may have, and i hoped she could tell me whether my current pt is killing me with his treatment. and, you know, what she had done to be a working adult rather than someone frequently bedridden. it was a tiny office. i felt small, trapped, staring down at the intake paperwork, over a hundred questions and longer than any ive done before. i was so scared i wouldnt be able to get through that part and still have the scheduled meeting. but i guess she cared about seeing me, because even though other patients were asking for her help she still took the time to talk to me.

so you write down all your pain, put down numbers that dont really convey anything about it, just trying to say that youre suffering and it should matter enough that something is done about it. i feel like im lying if i use all tens, but that means they might not take me seriously. on the flip side, im still walking and talking, no matter how feebly, so they might think im exaggerating it. my first adults' doctor told me id just have to learn to live with all this. but maybe this person understands. maybe shell care.

youre just a six on the hypermobility scale. its eight to tens when we start to see the really bad conditions like ehlers-danlos. thats what the rheumatologist i was referred to said. but this physical therapist wasnt very flexible and shed been diagnosed. so she ended up completely redoing my evaluation. when i could bring myself to string more than a few words together to tell her, that is. i always feel stupid during these kinds of things. even if i record my pain, i dont have the right words to describe whats happening. i cant definitively answer all their questions, just give guesses. but she could see inflamed joints, out of place tendons, pops that i couldnt even hear. so i ended up meeting the criteria. it almost means nothing.

i dont have an official diagnosis, which is almost impossible to gain, so i cant get benefits. well, i can at least pursue treatment, right? not really. she shot down the pain management options i had learned from the patient community, and said most people who felt worse in physical therapy were looking for someone to blame. shes the success case, and she presides over many more patients than me. so what could i do but accept it?

theres only hard work. work you literally cant do if youre in enough pain. physically, im lucky. compared to others, my body has only broken down a little, so i can still do regular exercise. at the same time, no matter how hard i try, it will break down more. its a race alongside time. you can only get so much better as your body naturally gets worse. teaching your joints to stay in place doesnt mean making your body into a different one.

youre never going to exist without pain every day. really sit with that for a second. you have to mentally say, im okay with this hard exertion every day, and im okay with it leading to only marginal and very long term benefits. i choose life no matter the consequences.

and i cant choose that, not right now. not when i have questionable friends online and absolutely no one in real life. not when im living with my transphobic parents and am going to struggle to find any employment that can accommodate my disability. theres just really no reason. the one person who was dependent on me no longer is. i dont believe in life as an abstract good. so really, this seems to be a sign to kill myself.

whats going to happen isnt me dramatically and immediately hanging myself while my parents are asleep. its going to be a slow starvation. i repeatedly refuse to choose between life and death, fail to consistently do the exercise, and suffer more until its too much. this isnt exactly a cry for anyone to try talking me down. ive long since decided not to do that for others anymore, and i dont want it for me either. but it is sort of an open question... why are some people so happy to choose a miserable life? what do they have that i dont? maybe its a circular problem. im bitter because people arent caring for me enough, and people dont want to care for me because im bitter.

#im typing this because i want to be seen #and i dont feel seen by anyone #but probably this is too difficult to respond to so i wont get any response #lol

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kieranculkingirl · 5 years

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i feel like ive just been a fucking disaster lately like i am falling apart at the seams and nobody is even noticing and i dont know how to talk about it

#drug ment in tags #drugs #ask to tag anything else please!#i just feel so burnt out and i dont know what to do #and i still like the same girl iveliked on and off for the past three years and i KNOW i can do better and i can go find someone who will #actually care about me that way but my heart wont fucking let me give up on her and im so nervous thqt she knows and is stringing me along #even then i cant stop the way i feel #and school has been so fucking exhausting i cant focus and i feel so stupid sitting in class understanding nothing but my dumb ass still #wont go in for help or study the extra little bit that i need to #i havent opened my math folder to do homework in months and my grades are slowly falling just like my mental health #and the only solace i get is the one or two nights a week when i can smoke with my friends #and i fucking KNOW that thats so god damn shitty and fucked up and a terrible habit and its going to be the death of me #and i want to stop and be a normal fucking kid again but being high is the only way i can get my brain to quiet down for a moment #i just need these little moments of silence because when everytjing else is falling apart at least i can have this #but i hate myself for killing my brain cells and chances and lungs #im so scared that theres going to be a point of no return soon and i dont know what to do #i dunno i dunno i dunno i just feel like i cant breathe and nobody is looking out for me and one day ill just drop and i wont be found for #weeks #i keep having to pretend everything is fine too cause everything else is falling apart for my friends so i cant talk about it to them #i feel selfish even considering bringing up my own stupid fucking issues when im so priveleged and taken care of #god im being so self destructive and i dont know if i cant stop or if i just dont want to #im sorry guys you obvi dont need to read this or reply or anything i just needed to get my thoughts out and writing them down was too much #so heres this ranty depressing tag post instead lol #sonny speaks #negative #again please ask me to tag anything in this that i havent because if im being triggering to any of you i want to know so i can avoid that #i love u guys

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iconsumeheadcanons · 4 years

Text

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :((( so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff. joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

#my writing #p3 #p4 #p5 #persona 3 #persona 4 #persona 5 #ren #futaba #souji #hamuko #minato #vibes straight thru the sun #i sincerely hope the read more works #im so srry for grammar problems #i literally cant read rn

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mousehole5000 · 3 years

Text

wow i made this draft on november 1st i really took a break from this huh anyway tgcf chapters 121 - 142

i realize now this coffin scene was inevitable. feel kinda weird about hua cheng back and forth from Teen to Big Man but it is very funny that theyre having their “dude dont look at my boner” moment while in the jaws of a water dragon

pei ming: why didnt you guys make a bigger coffin so you didnt have to squish together like that? xie lian: haha yep!! anyways what brings you here?

“In the grand, spacious centre of the entrance hall sat a person. And this person, dressed in all black, its face snow-white—was a corpse! Instantly Xie Lian shut the doors soundly.” - king of minding his own business.

okay this is where i stopped putting notes here for a while but i did save some in my e-reader so here’s some of the highlights

“Guzi used to have a good sleeping form, but perhaps with his cheap dad’s bad influence, now he was also spread out on top of Qi Rong’s stomach like a dead fish. Lang Ying himself was curled neatly in the corner, and was covered by a few shirts. Xie Lian lifted the blanket covering Qi Rong, suppressed the urge to smother his face, and covered the two small children.” - xie lian funny moments. also it would be really funny if qi rong redeems himself by learning love through these misfit chiildren and it might actually endear me to him but i hope that doesnt happen

Every heavenly official was yelling, and even Ling Wen was throwing a fit. “DON’T THROW EVERY BIT OF USELESS INFORMATION MY WAY, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY? DON’T YOU ALL KNOW TO USE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE BEFORE ASKING ME?!” - ling wen marry me right now

“An expression like “seen a ghost” that only mortals experienced was now showing on his face for the first time. Shi Wudu’s pupils shrank to the smallest they could, and he blurted, “You’re still alive?!” “I’m dead!” He Xuan said coldly.” - okay everythings going tits up rn but i did laugh

i did see spoilers re: ming yi/he xuan reveal + shi wudu’s fate beforehand so i dont have a genuine reaction other than oh shit

“He slowly enunciated each word. “I won’t touch your fate. But, here in this place, chop off your brother’s head for me.” CLANG! He threw a rusty blade onto the ground. Shi Qingxuan stared at that blade, his eyes wide. He Xuan continued, “Then, never show yourself before me again, and I will pretend you’ve never existed in this world.” - okay idk what else is going to happen but rn im concerned that this is like the 2nd biggest ship. i guess we’ll see?? i mean i am really curious whats going to happen to them. shi qingxuan keeps calling he xuan “ming-xiong” and i... sad

shi wudu im not really invested in you as a character but these next two bits... interesting

“If I don’t die but have nothing, then that’s truly a fate worse than death. If I’m not the Water God, I can’t take care of you. I won’t even be able to protect myself. I’m scared that we won’t even last two days…TAKE IT!” - damn. something about the wealthy losing everything and not knowing how to live without it bc thats their entire life and identity

“EVERYTHING I HAVE TODAY, I FOUGHT FOR MYSELF. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I DON’T HAVE. I WILL CHANGE FATE I DON’T POSSESS. MY FATE IS UP TO ME AND NOT THE HEAVENS!” - okay so the whole committing spiritual fraud by tormenting a man and his family to get your brother a cushy title thing aside this was kind of badass. heretical? possibly. but still. also is he intentionally riling up he xuan so sqx doesnt have to kill him? if so damn...

also okay as long as im here im just gonna say it. the choice that he xuan gives shi qingxuan is fucking brutal but i actually think its probably as fair as it could be. sqx didnt know about or participate in what happened to hx but they did benefit from it greatly while hx lost EVERYTHING and i can understand he xuan’s thinking of “if you really feel bad for what happened to me then you have to make a sacrifice and understand the suffering and this is as clean as its going to get” and theres a bit where sqx is trying to beg for mercy but cant get the words out which im guessing is bc theres no good argument!! what happened was fucked up!!

“When Pei Ming saw that reinforcements had arrived, he didn’t appear particularly delighted; instead he threw the sword into the ground, then rubbed his nose and said, sounding grim, “You all just had to come just as I finished making these, what the heck.” - pei ming making coffins chopping down trees with his sword i love it #wastehistime2k17

“Xie Lian brought that basket of eggs along, and gave them away as souvenirs from the mortal realm. Many who received the eggs were overjoyed; some deciding to eat it along with their own blood, and some proclaiming they would hatch an eight-foot monster.” - GHOST CITY GHOST CITY

“Placing the brush down, he blew lightly at the ink and smiled. “If I like something, then my heart will not have room for any other, and I’ll always treasure it. A thousand times, a million times, no matter how many years, this will not change. This poem is the same." - thats nice and all but king... get therapy. i actually have further thoughts but tbh i dont want to put them into words bc they are simply too personal! moving on

didnt take any notes but somewhere in here was the bit with mount tong’lu opening and hua cheng losing it and kind of um. hm. that scene. thats another trope i really hate tbh i dont care for it as a way of including physical intimacy between characters and idk if it really ever adds anything but whatever moving on

The Half-Maquillage Woman - kind of interesting monster idea bc women and aging…. yeah. however i think this would be a lot stronger if there were a) more girls and this was b) discussed or illustrated at all prior to this moment. still interesting that its included knowing the author is a woman tho and there’s been comments on how ling wen is perceived vs pei ming. this book does keep giving me hope for interesting female character arcs i really want it to deliver something

quan yizhen..... i get u

lmao i have a note on a bit with lang ying that says “please dont be hc in disguise” and..... my clown nose was on but at least i knew that. for real this is bothering me how much he’s just. always. there. i know he’s a lead but we didn’t really need him around for a lot of this. oh well. okay now to my current notes

“Yet it was precisely because it wasn’t cooked that it had to be eaten quickly. Once Xie Lian cooked it, it wouldn’t be edible anymore” - fucking fantastic

“Xie Lian hugged his belly. “Of course! Only after having met you did I rediscover that it’s such a simple thing to be happy, hahaha…” Hearing this, Hua Cheng blinked. Xie Lian’s laughter quieted a bit, realizing what he just said was a little too revealing.” - okay i know i said what i said about being tired of hua cheng being everywhere but... the line…. the fact that theyre laughing together…. :pleading:

“It’s not,” Ling Wen said. “At least, I believe, there will definitely not be another in history who can create a dish called ‘Incorruptible Chastity Meatballs’” - and truer words were never spoken

“I, DO NOT WORSHIP GODS. “I, AM GOD!” - this was every bit as badass as i hoped but no one told me it was immediately followed up by a little bit of the ol dinner theater fjalkdsfjsd. also puqi shrine noooooooooo

“Xie Lian sighed as he thought, “Qi Rong has taken Guzi away, who knows if the poor child was eaten or abandoned. Wind Master...... ..... who knows if Black Water took him away. Pray they’re both safe.” yeah hey are we going to fucknig. find out what happened to the child???

and yeah i dooooont really care for the age regression? thing thats going on. i just dont like that trope tbh. but tiny hua cheng whipping out his fat ghost king wallet in the store was funny tho. it is really funny that hualian are just like wandering around some random towns while the heavens are in an uproar. i guess theres not much else to do but its funny

“Me too, me too. You all know of my shixiong, right? Talented, with an infinite future! He only had one small vice: he loved playing women. Decades ago, a little prostitute ghost seduced my shixiong and sucked him dry into human jerky, and that Hua, Hua, Hua, that ghost king dared shelter her.” - yes omg give me the forbidden hua cheng lore i love this for him for real it goes along nicely with xie lian’s principles about giving another cup. god i love shared values

“Hua Cheng poked again, and a small hole appeared on the wall, as if the wall was made of tofu.” - how’d he do that. why is this a ghost king power. its useful tho

*me shaking qi rong when he pops up* WHERE IS THE CHILD

mu qing fu yao is here okay im happy now. once again no one has a good grasp on their secret identity and i love that. this inn has descended into chaos and im delighted and im glad lan chang is back

“The good ol’ kitchen was suddenly squished and crowded, loud and noisy. Fu Yao was chasing that fetus spirit leaping up and down, Lan Chang was chasing after Fu Yao like she had gone mad. Half of Qi Rong’s face changed shape by the way Xie Lian was pressing him down on the chopping board, his back turning into a target for those yellow talismans Fu Yao hurled while being observed by a crowd, and Lan Chang would step on him from time to time.” - this is pure chaos. i love that mu qing was in that room when the mob checked and he didnt say a word didnt open the door just sent out a talisman as a warning. king your disguise is transparent

“Xie Lian remembered the way Feng Xin laughed until he was hoarse when he first heard that verbal password all those years back, and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic, even though it wasn’t the right time.” - awwwww omg im emotional about this... faithful friend feng xin laughing at xie lian’s stupid joke password and remembering it!!! ;_;

“They have, but they’re not effective,” Feng Xin said. “Usually they’re the most diligent in scorning the Palace of Ling Wen, like they could do the job way better if they had the position. Now that we need them to take up the task, not a single one can do even half of what she does.” - typical... typical typical typical

also emotional about the fact that feng xin contacted xie lian at all.....

also!! emotional about lan chang as a mom and wanting to help out sick lil guzi.....

xie lian forcing “fu yao” to let him help “his general” is making me.... what is friendship if not playing along with your buddies little shenanigans while also making them accept your help

“Someone like Mu Qing, even though he’s narrow-minded, petty, sensitive and skeptical, has a bad personality, constantly guessing, doesn’t say nice things, likes to nag, always offending people and has a lot of people who dislike him, has no friends, can remember small, unimportant details for a long period of time…” ”Xie Lian went on in one breath with a straight face, but in the end he concluded with, “...But I’ve known him since we were kids, after all, he’s still got principles.” - XIE LIAN PLEASE AFJDLKSFJDL omg ive seen this quote before but i figured he was talking to someone else not actually to mu qing himself fgjasdkfjsl. god thats amazing. hey im gonna help you out because i care but i will roast you first <3

waaaaaait so is lan chang aka jian lan that girl from book 2 we took a page to talk about and then disappeared? that has to be it why else would we have stopped to discuss her

“Jian Lan spat on his face, then choking his neck, she slapped him twice again. “WHAT SHITTY SUPREME! YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BLOW YOURSELF UP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THINK YOU’RE EVEN WORTH TO BE THOUGHT OF AS EQUALS WITH THE OTHER THREE SUPREMES? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOOD AT? YOUR THICK SKIN? OF COURSE I DARE HIT YOU!” - oh this feels so good i cant lie. YES GET HIM!! CHOMPING AND VIOLENCE YES!!!!

okay this description of cuocuo.... im... that sure the hell is a creature

this book is so entertaining bc i already saw spoilers for the feng xin/jian lan/cuo cuo reveal and yet i could never have predicted the circumstances that brought it about. imagine being feng xin. the heavens are in an uproar and your only friend/enemy has been jailed for possible fetus spirit-related crimes but he escapes along with this female ghost who keeps causing problems. you figure “fuck it lets see if dianxia kept his old phone number” and he has but then he hangs up on you. you’ve got fuckall else to do so you go find him. mu qing is there but he’s in his disguise the two of you were using so you could watch over his highness while staying aloof. you think you see hua cheng only he’s a chiild for some goddamn reason but who knows at this point. the female ghost is also there and theres a fetus spirit climbing trees and biting your arrows in half. you realize the female ghost is your ex and the little demon is your son. it bites you. what do you do

amazing that despite everything going on everyone is still playing along with the “fu yao” persona when it would probably be easier to drop pretenses at this point. then again tbh if i could explain my actions to my friends while pretending to be a third party.... i probably would so.. carry on

“With all his devotees gone, only Feng Xin still treated him like the Flower-Crowned Martial God and His Highness the Crown Prince. ” “...his protection charms were all seen as trash. However, Feng Xin was still determined and tireless in handing them out; telling Xie Lian, look, you still have devotees.” “After all, he was the darling of the heavens since birth, high and mighty. Feng Xin so naturally spun around him like he was the world, so how could he possibly have his own life, his own heart” “Whether or not that fetus spirit was Feng Xin’s son, if it was that period of poverty that made Feng Xin lose the girl he loved, Xie Lian wouldn’t be able to forgive himself no matter what." ohhhh my god this relationship i. im...

oh my god i still have 30 more chapters until book 4............ its naptime now i think

#tgcf liveblog #so close and yet so far......#i keep hearing tell of this fabled book 4 i must press onwards......#but now im sleepy.....#mouse mumbles

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carternate · 3 years

Text

i really dont understand my own feelings

and im fucking terrified of myself.

i refuse to say im okay anymore. my head isnt okay

what im feeling isnt fucking normal

and i take it out on my girlfriend but in the same respect im terrified of telling her shit because i will be exposed. i trust her i want her and i love her more than anything. but i dont know how to explain my emotions anymore. i never did actually. im a fucking mess in general. i hate that i feel stuck in a prison of my own body. its not the dumb ass transgender feeling

its a literal feeling of a cage.

i hate the people in my past. i hate that they still have an impact

i hate that i cant control myself like i used to be able to and that i cant even take my medication because i tell myself im too tough for it lmao. i literally was so close to ending my life, but in an instant this time. not some pussy shit where i begged for help and then it was possible for someone to save me

i almost really just ended it. ended it because i didnt find value in it.

i dont feel good enough and everything seems wrong

but i want to be okay and be good and make it to heaven. i used to have a passion

i used to love god with all my heart but i cant even understand it anymore

its noones fault but my own

and that hurts even more

i cant even try to blame it on another its on me this time

ive lost control

i cant even think long enough to listen in my hour long class.

i thought i was broken before because of a family that degraded me

but whatever the fuck i feel now feels eighty times worse

but i keep it internal and i cant keep it in anymore

im going to fucking explode

im falling apart completely

and im going insane

and i dont feel that i belong here

i literally will sit in my car and think of scenarios

but when i actually start to FEEL its absolutely ridiculous and insane

and SO much.

i try to bring positivity and help anna

and i try to be sure that sentences like this dont happen

but flashbacks hit me hard

the hospital, that week. that first week was insane.

its fucked to say

but i felt like i belonged there. i felt like that could be my home. from the daily vitals,to the little kid that cried in the cornwr, to the creepy ass schizophrenic girl that was my roommate, to jenna, to my freak outs.

i was crazy. but i got to take it out and do it and have people who understood it and tried to help.

geneva ohio. is not a place where i can be okay and myself authentically

i cant even be myself at my fucking work place.

nobody understands shit other than the kids that were there

during our group sessions and even during school i felt like it was okay.

there is just a hole in my head that i can not find anything to fill

im curious about everything and i hve no idea what about

i have questions

so fucking many

and noone wants to hear them

i hate that i cant concentrate

i hate that when i tell my dad im not okay i cant even look him in the eye because all i can picture is coming out of the ambulance and seeing my mom and dad looking at me screaming what hppened

and i have never felt like that in my life.

i cant let go of that. i cant let go of the visual of mallory laying at the edge of my bed before i got sent away to laurelwood looking at me like “fuck dude. you really tried.” she looked sorry for me, but not the kind that people like want. not the kind of compassion

but the scared kind. she looked scared of me. nothing has been the same aince.i want to drown iut my thoughts

and my stupid fucking stutter

and i want to lay in annas arms and cry everything out

but i also want to fucking beat the shit out of someone

and thats not me. im not violent. but i want to like bEAT THE SHIT out of someone. anyone at this point. but whatever

i dont understand how things that are so fucking simple to other people are like fucking complete brain aches for me.

i cant go anywhere alone because i am scared of being physically alone but mentally ive never been more lonely and that scares me.

the story never ends i guess.

i hate how my mind can be spinning in circles and people that say they are there can be right next to me complaining and have no idea i want to jab a knife into my body lol

but then all i would be is a coward if i just ended it all. it would technically be the easy way out and i dont want to be that person. thinking about death doesnt really even scare me anymore, and that thought scares me more than death itself.

in a perfect world i guess everything would be fine

and i would be happy

and never necessarily need to think about things that hurt me or have those little bullets shot at my head with every turn i take.

but thats not reality, and realizing that alone needs

to be a priority that i take.

i probably wont ever live a life without triggers, depression, or anxiety.

and that fucking sucks.

especially because i know that people fake their mental illness just for the attention and they dont have to live with something that prevents them from doing everyday activities or being terrified of little shit

but in my opinion that attention people seek from illness or anything in general is the worst part about it. i hate when people find out about the hospital.

i get embarrassed regardless of how many times people will tell me its okay

like sure its okay. but its not normal. going to a mental institution shouldnt be something everyone does

or everyone knows someone who went. thats just fucked. and i hate that im someone that people will be like “oh emily went to one” or the questions i will get from people are absolutely morbid and NOT their business but i feel obligated to talk about it when people ask. its a fucked up world dude. and sometimes im really fucking sick of living in it.

i just want to be okay again, even if its for a second. just a second of peace and a second of understanding. a fucking break would be nice?

a vacation away with anna and my kitty? if i could get that right now my entire heart would be full. i need two weeks to mentally get myself okay again. but lucky for me that’s not possible, and some may say “welcome to the adult world” and that is such a fucking understatement.

this is never going to be over

and im always going to not be afraid of death and im always going to not know shit about myself and im always not going to treat anyone right and i cant fucking even breathe when im walking yet i still have to work daily. and im so sick of it from beginning to end. and i want my story to fucking end already.

God if you can see this by some small celestial chance you actually give a shit about Earth and its inhabitants fucking help me.

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whence-the-woody · 3 years

Text

Finale commentary under the cut

So I wanted to kind of liveblog as I was watching but held back so these are my remembered reactions/second watch reactions

Bummed there was no song recap but quickly figured itd play at the end

PUPPY. Best part of the ep, lbr, Dean was so cute with him

Theyre really doing a cheesey life montage huh - still not clear whether monsters are a thing in this new world?

I was watching the mins tick by during this first montage like OKAY we get it, cheesey happy home life, move along. There was only 40 mins left of the whole show like get on with it, it went way too long

We definately needed to restablished that Sam is neat while Dean is messy. Totally necessary to spend time on that. Also didnt Dean get houseproud when they moved into the bunker?? What happened to that?

OMG get on with it

Then becomes apparent that hunting is still a thing. Which if so what was the point of showing then doing fucking laundry and dishes while “Ordinary life” plays - if its not just an ordinary life?

At this point i thought it might go the route of them being listless without hunting as a job but then murder scene so I guess not

This whole pie sequence is stupid and a waste of time, we all know it

Dean being a cold, heartless bitch about everyone being dead. Aces. Not unexpected but still just great. How dare you be so happy about pie fuck you dude.

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER EILEEN

Pie is the face is not funny my dudes come the fuck on

I started skipping through during the murder scene. I was bored. Like, I dont care about tension building to the murder of a family we dont fucking know. Ive always skipped these scenes, what is the damn point. Its not scary or interesting.

GET ON WITH IT

Same old FBI bullshit. Nice to see the journal again I guess. But like, this is STILL what we’re doing? In the very last ep? Same old, different day, just like 15 years ago. Really?

Singer and Kripke. Subtle.

I skipped through the interrogation too. I dont find the scary brother act cool or entertaining

15 mins in and nothing has happened

Theyre trying so hard to give Dean jokes and nothing is landing, its so cringe just stop

The way the little clown faces pop up - if that supposed to be scary? Really? Its all just so silly rn

Watching it again I realise just how easy this hunt is. The answer is in the journal. They find the exact family. They find the exact barn. The kids are just stood in a cupboard. This is what takes Dean out, really? Its not even a normal hunt, its a way too fucking easy one.

I do not remember this chick or what ep she was in, maybe theres some parallell or foreshadowing by bringing her back but if there is I dont get it

Bottom line if youre gonna bring people back WHY THE FUCK THIS RANDOM GIRL

I knew so fast he was gonna go out like that. Hanging from a fucking nail

I kept saying out loud not like this, no way, this is so stupid, its so stupid omg

I paused and tried to talk myself into putting aside how stupid and awkward it was for him to be doing this scene hanging off a pole and just try to invest in the emotion of the speech. Which I achieved at times

but why was is so awkward tho?? Just the way hes stood pressed against it is fucking weird. Also 1000% Sam couldve gotten help and he wouldve been FINE. It took so long for them to talk, an ambulance couldve been there before they were done, there was no need for this

Okay the speech did make me cry once I pep talked myself into being invested. The reference to being scared Sam would reject him, the I love you so much, Sam saying dont leave me, the stay with me and tell me its okay - all those moments got me and I did cry. I appreciated the family business line. I liked Jensen telling Jared he always keeps fighting, that was a nice reference.

BUT there were also those moments that made me scoff, roll my eyes or laugh. The whole “always you and me” bullshit especially. The second I knew he was going to say I’ll be in your heart I yelled at them to no do it, I hate that cheesey move, then literally was like “oh my god, he did it”. It WAS NOT always going to end like this - so much of the last 15 years was proving him wrong about that. This is all just so wrong, it is not good.

Jensen and Jared did a good job with what they were given in this scene but my god

The audacity of the Cas erasure- always you and me. FUCK YOU.

I laughed out loud when his last shot was a One Perfect Tear. I was literally like “Oh wow they did that”

DEAN DESERVED A BETTER DEATH

It also kinda loses all impact when you see him like 2 mins later

MIRACLE IS THE REAL MVP ILY

Theyre really doing another montage. Really. Like we get it, hes sad, we didnt need the toast to understand that

Omg Miracle by his side. The best of bois.

Looking around his room like beer and guns was all dean was. Sure. Aces.

I choose to believe Bon Jovi was a ref to before Dean went to hell

If Donna is back why isnt anyone else?!?

Oh Jared you look so old bby. Go home. He looks older there then later in the ridiculous make up

Why is that shot made to look like hes leaving the bunker forever?? Like that makes no sense

Bobby greeting him is nice and all BUT IT SHOULDVE BEEN CAS

Also they are 1000% doing the show don’t tell by having Bobby just sit and explain everything. SO FUCKING LAZY

Cas has been out of the empty, helping rebuild heaven. Okay, fine. Even Dean’s reaction to hearing that was fine. BUT YOU ASK WHERE YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIEND IS AND GO SEE HIM. WHO IS THIS VERSION OF DEAN WTF

I know people are upset Cas is back working in heaven but I dont think its anything like before. It sounds like he helped fixed things then got his own heaven. Also he’s God’s Dad, hes not serving God, hes teaching him. I know human Cas done right is what we wanted but I dont hate this for him. BUT WE SHOULD HAVE FUCKING SEEN IT.

Why is a memory of being a kid with his Dad what Dean is reminiscing on. They have literally reverted him back to s1. There are so many memories dean should be thinking about in fucking heaven

Hes going for a drive

Hes going for a motherfucking drive

In the car he was just in

WHY THE FUCK IS HE ACTING LIKE HE HASNT SEEN BABY IN YEARS WHAT IS THIS SHIT

Hes going to drive around doing nothing until Sam gets there are you fucking kidding me. Not going to see any of his family from the last 15 years, just driving. Absolute horseshit.

This is the moment where you realise that this episode has changed NOTHING. This is the same ending as the last ep except theyre in heaven not on earth

ITS THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING

Okay so they skip over how Sam went from going on a hunt to walking with a toddler. OMG how unsubtle that they have literally just labelled the child Dean in big yellow letters. I couldnt help but laugh, how fucking stupid.

I did get a bit teary when the music started I’ll be honest. But mostly through the whole montage (ANOTHER ONE) I was saying to myself This is so fucking stupid. omg this is dumb, what the fuck is this, so stupid.

They literally did a montage so long they had to play the song twice. Im just done at this point wow.

The old man make up is so bad I just laughed. The only pictures being of the 4 of them, reinforcing the Winchester only bullshit, great. Not even pics of this new random family Sam’s got. The painfully cliche Dad moments for Sam, again so bad its funny. Omg the hand on the head of this random kid, this is so ridiculous. Old man sam in his bad wig trying so hard to move like hes old and crying in the impala. Wtf is happening, this is SO STUPID

I thought theyd cast a more attractive son I’ll be honest. So he has the tattoo - are they a hunting family? Because that would go against both s1 Sam they’ve tried to go back to and the s15 Sam they build up to for all those years

I know they were going for an emotional parallel with that “you can go now” but this random man saying it to Sam in that make up, with the music cue lined up right there - its just funny coz its so dumb im sorry

I cant believe they actually played another different version, I’ll never get over that

Theres alot of things I’ll never get over

Is this bridge supposed to mean something? They shouldve picked a setting that meant something

I know theyre trying so hard to make Dean look happy and peaceful to convince us its a good ending but sis no

I laughed out loud when Dean turned around - WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT SAM?

Really, they have nothing to say? No questions, no convo? They just have cheesey smiles and look over the water? This is so wrapped up in a fucking bow trying to force us to feel good my god

The cut almost immediately to them talking to the camera, still in character getup, was so cringe I yelled and turned it off

And they pan out to literally none of the people we want to see . Great, Good.

LITERALLY WHAT WAS THE POINT

#supernatural #me #ranty #we achieved nothing with this ep yet I have THOUGHTS #finale

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