#mental health and now this has been kicking our butts

[darkphoenix07]

San and Wooyoung fill your desire

Masterlist

Series poll

Mental Health Request

Paring : San x Reader x Wooyoung

Genre : Smut

Song : Meddle about by Chase Atlantic

Warning ⚠️ : This one shot contains threesome. Unprotected, overstimulation, degradation, cursing, gagging, spanking, praising.

8.45 p.m.

"You are not doing this correctly," San takes the homework you were doing with him from your hand and starts doing it by himself.

You are very bad in Math. It's like your brain doesn't work when you start doing any Math. San was helping you and Wooyoung solving some Math problems but looks like he is about to lose his mind over you two.

"Come on, let's watch something or play something. I'm sick of it," Wooyoung says plopping on the matters of the living room.

San looks so annoyed as he kicks Wooyoung's legs, "You better hurry. Our final exam is this close."

"You two study, I am going to take a nap. Bye, bye," Wooyoung says closing his eyes.

You are annoyed with San being this much strict too. But you don't want to show him how easily you give up. Instead you want him to give up on Math.

As he is leaning his back on the sofa, wiggling his toe while the notebook is on his thighs, you slowly lean towards him staring at him. He is explaining how the Math is done and you are thinking about ruining all his effort as you hand is traveling from his arm to her neck.

You have been with both of the boys but you can't help wondering how will it go when both of them will fill your desire. So much attention only on you and your skin.

"What are you doing?" He asks you as you hand stops on his neck.

"You smell so good tonight," you tell him pressing yourself a little more against him.

"Wooyoung is here, you know," he tells you as he looks at you forgetting about the Math.

You smile keeping your head on his shoulder, looking at Wooyoung, "He knows about us and you know about him too. So is there any problem?"

"What are you planning?" He is whispering all these because Wooyoung looks like he is in deep sleep right now.

You look at San licking your bottom lip, "What do you think I am planning to do?"

He smirks pulling you on to his lap, "You are a cunning girl."

"I know that, right?" You tell him before pulling him for a kiss on his lips. It has been long since you've had him like this. You wrap your hands around his neck as your lips move rhythmically and you slowly grind your hips on him.

Not for the people under 18 🔞

You want to give him the best show so you force your tongue in his mouth and he takes you in while his hands slides down on your hip driving them on him.

You moan feeling the bulge beneath you, you press yourself more to grow him restless. You know how it works on him like crazy. Just like you wanted, he starts squeezing your butt cheeks. His mouth falling all over your neck while your hands roaming around his hair.

"What is happening without me?" You chuckle hearing Wooyoung on edge of the mattress. You are glad you guys bought a big mattress. It was for movie night and study purpose but now it is helping in more important things.

He crawls towards you two, "You guys should have woken me up if you are having a good show."

"Good thing we haven't even started yet," San says staring at you.

"Y/n, are you being a good girl to Sannie or should I help you?" Wooyoung says sitting on his knees kissing on the back of your neck.

"I guess you should have your hands," you tell him making him smile.

You move your head towards Wooyoung to kiss his lips while he touches your chin to deepen the kiss. On the other hand, San starts leaving marks on your neck, your collarbone. Having two people giving you pleasure together is making your head feel a little light because it feels so good, so much better than having one person for you.

"I love these lips," Wooyoung praises you while San helps you get undressed. Wooyoung hasn't left your lips yet while San has started to lick you chest leaving soft kisses on it. You wrap your right hand around Wooyoung while your left hand is on San's hair making ways for him to kiss you more.

"Lay down," San orders you and you obey as you get down from him and lay on the mattress. As you fold your knees, Wooyoung pulls your skirt and panty together while San undresses himself watching Wooyoung devouring you with his eyes.

Wooyoung bends over you from your right side to taking your breasts in his hands as he rubs them with his thumbs making you whimper. You grip the sheets of your mattress to contain yourself but you lose the game when San spreads your legs and starts kissing your inner thigh. He is so good at it because he moves lips up and down knowing it well how you like that.

"San, does her pussy look Iike she will be a good girl?" Wooyoung asks taking one of your nipples in his mouth as he smiles before sucking it. He takes it in-between his teeth, takes it in his mouth again leaving his saliva all over your breast not leaving the other one alone.

"She is dripping perfectly," San says licking the white cream touching your inner thigh.

Even you didn't notice when you start dripping all over yourself.

"Please San!" You moan wanting to feel San's mouth on your cunt. But he doesn't go there.

"Not yet, sweetheart. Your cunt will be served when you'll start serving my cock. Not so soon," Wooyoung tells you as he crawls in front of your head.

You finally see San staring at you while touching you everywhere but not the place you want the most.

"I'll be your good girl. Please," you beg once again but nothing works out. They are teasing you and surprisingly you love how they are doing it.

"Come on, Wooyoung. We shouldn't make her wait any longer," San says still gazing at you as he licks your pelvis area.

"Open your mouth for me, baby. Remember, I won't be gentle at all," Wooyoung says as a warning before pushing his cock inside your mouth ruthlessly. As he starts pounding inside your mouth slowly, San's tongue finds our clitoris licking it and sucking it off.

Your hands are now on San's head pushing him harder while your mouth is adjusting Wooyoung's length. With every thrust in your mouth, Wooyoung is pushing himself further. Your eyes have already gotten teary as you have started choking on his cock. The precum leaving your mouth, the slurping sound as you try to hold him in moving your mouth, San bobbing his hand as his tongue is working like the best vibrator ever.

You take Wooyoung deeper becoming a gagging mess as he comes in your mouth, "Don't you dare waste a single drop. Have all of it like a good girl."

You say as San tells you to do and Wooyoung keeps looking at you proudly as you gulp every drop of the saltines of his orgasm.

Wooyoung leaves your mouth and kisses you again tasting his own cum. You can't focus on Wooyoung right now because San's tongue is now inside your hole. He is thrusting like madman and the orgasm is building like you've wanted to. As Wooyoung stops kissing you, you feel yourself coming inside San's mouth. He sucks off all of it before licking your pussy again.

It's ironic how naked all of your are and you can't be more excited about it.

"Will you take my cock now, princess?" San asks you coming over, kissing your neck softly while Wooyoung keeps kissing your abdomen. The way they are treating you, it's giving you butterflies.

"Yes," you answer him and suddenly feel Wooyoung's finger on your already swollen pussy. He is rubbing it softly kissing your abdomen, bruising you.

"On your hands and knees," Wooyoung commands you this time and San leaves you giving a peck on your cheek.

You place your palm on the mattress and feel Wooyoung's burning eyes on your hip.

"Do you need a safe word?" San asks you and you nod.

"Say buttercup and we will stop," Wooyoung tells you before placing his long fingers on your hip. You think you squirm just by his slight touch or because you know what is coming next.

You look to see San sitting on his knees massaging his tip, "Are you ready?"

You nod but he touches you chin, "Words princess. You need to use words."

"Yes, San. I am ready," you tell him and he squeezes your face in his hands. As your mouth parts, he slowly pushes his cock inside. You are to busy taking San in that you forget about Wooyoung spanking you twice while eating you out.

All of the feelings together attacking your body. You don't know how are you holding yourself on your palms.

"Yes, princess. You are perfect," you chuckle staring at San admiring your cum filled face. But he grabs your hair pulling them over, "Pace up, princess. I need more of it."

San's length keeps making wet noises as he pushes himself in your throat and he shakes you head while you growl.

"Yes, take it like my princess," he tells you and finally sets your mouth free.

"Can you take me again while Wooyoung fucks you from your back?" San asks you and you nod.

"Y/n?"

"Yes, please. I want to have you," you tell him feeling more joy as he pushes himself again. This time he helps you bobbing your head up and down as your teeth grazes his length. Sometimes you move your tongue on his tip, sometimes he deepthroats you.

"Y/n, I am starting. You remember your safe word, right?" Wooyoung asks you and San let's you talk, "Yes, I am."

You are just answering them because you don't understand what else you can do. You are overstimulated by so much pleasure that you can't even talk.

Your eyes starts getting big as Wooyoung pushes himself inside of you slowly but painfully. You haven't had sex for a long time, now that he has started to thrust inside you, you feel like something is tearing you apart. It's heavenly and also hurting like hell.

"Focus princess," San tells you as your eyes roll back in your head.

You mouth filled with San's cock, you pussy filled with Wooyoung's. A piece of euphoria washes over you as you smile giving your best to San taking his praise more and more.

Wooyoung spanks you again, "Do you like that, sweetheart?"

You can only nod because your body is responding enough.

When you feel Wooyoung filling you deep, you fall on your elbows. San leaves your mouth letting you take some deep breaths.

"Isn't she lovely?" San asks caressing your back.

"She is the prettiest ever," Wooyoung says leaving soft kisses on your back.

"Come on, lay on your back. Rest up before you can take San," Wooyoung tells you and you lay on your back spreading your legs. The cold breeze calming your burning pussy a little bit while the boys keep kissing your mouth, your breasts, your pelvis.

San sits in front of you, taking your legs on his shoulder, "I'll be good, don't worry."

Mostly you love how they are taking care of you, thinking about your pleasure. You think you can't get any more grateful.

As San inserts inside you, he keeps your legs closed pumping inside you slowly.

"Faster!!! I can take it so please!!!" You whimper and San does as you say. He was afraid that he might hurt you but your body wants more of him, this pace is not enough.

"You really like it rough, don't you?" Wooyoung asks you touching your lips with his thumb. He places his thumb inside your mouth and you start sucking it off while San keeps pumping inside of you again and again.

You come before he can and it makes you squeeze him from inside more, "God, she feels so good."

You squirm under Wooyoung hearing San praising you. Wooyoung is now playing with your nipples again while he is kissing all over you. You grab Wooyoung's hand when you feel San coming inside of you. It feels amazing when he fills you up wholely before gently kissing your pussy.

Wooyoung watches San kissing your pussy and looks at you smirking, "Do you think you can go for another round?"

"Anything for my boys," you say earning a kiss from him giving them the ticket to send you to heaven once again forgetting about the stupid maths.

First time writing threesome 🤭

#san angst #ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez scenarios #ateez fluff #ateez yunho #ateez hongjoong #ateez smut #ateez mingi #ateez san #ateez seonghwa #choi san fanfic #san smut #san fanfic #choi san smut #choi san #wooyoung smut #ateez wooyoung #ateez woosan #woosan #wooyoung #ateez jonho #ateez jeong yunho #ateez imagines #yunho smut #smut promt #jongho smut #skz smut #ateez au #ateez series

[rafecameronsbadussy]

Lawnmower Boy

Summary: You babysit for a kook family with a particularly bothersome lawnmower boy. Though your opinion on him changes on a particularly hot day.

Warnings: Mentions of fainting, dehydration, swearing, children?idk

My work is not to be plagiarized.

A/n: Um… hi!! It’s been literally 3 months since I’ve written school and my mental health has been kicking my butt lately but I got a lot of shit sorted out and now I’m feeling like myself. I missed you, here’s your gift. I don’t really know what to think of this but!?!! Bye-bye!!<3

—————

Shutting the door as quietly as possible, you tiptoe out of Penelope's room. After lots of coaxing, she and Jasper finally went down for their nap.

For God's sake. Of course, why would he start mowing the lawn at any other time!

You just roll your eyes and pray it doesn't wake them. Plopping on the cushy couch, you turn on Gilmore Girls, still shaking your head.

—————

"It's time for lunch Penelope," you say as she clings to you. Babysitting really isn't that bad, you've always found it odd how many people hate kids.

You walk out of Penelope's room and wake Jasper. He quickly scurries to the dining room. Jasper and Penelope's parents are full on kook. Their house really makes yours look like a crack shack.

You get them set up with their finger sandwiches when you notice the lawnmower boy sprawled on the ground. "Oh my god-" you say, hand going to your mouth. "Penelope and Jasper put down your food we've gotta go."

"But-" Jasper starts.

"Come with me." Forcing your tone to be even, you grab their hands and run out the door to his side.

Shit, what's this kid's name. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What is it? JJ.

"JJ," you say, kneeling in the grass to shake him lightly. He stirs a little. You keep your voice calm so the kids stay calm, taking them out with you wasn't the best option but leaving the three and five-year-old to eat unsupervised wasn't either. "Wake up, hon," you say and his eyes crack open slightly. 

"Is he okay?" Penelope asks, you turn to see her picking at her lips anxiously.

"He's alright Penny, just tired," you reassure her.

"Are you okay?". He looks like he hasn’t slept for days, and lord knows the last time he’s drunk any water. All in all, not a good mix with the Carolina sun.

You almost miss the dark bruises on his arms. Almost.

His eyes open fully and he props himself up on his elbows. "Yeah...just dozing off," he says lazily.

"Here, go get JJ a bottle of water please." you look to Jasper, the oldest of the two, and he scurries off. Your first aid training comes in handy right about now.

"What day is it?" you ask peering down at him.

"Friday?" he replies

"Where do you live?"

"Woah, at least take me out to dinner first," he says with a smirk, looking up at you with his sparking blue eyes.

"Definitely not concussed." You smile, his little comment makes you feel warm. Jasper comes back with the water and gives it to JJ. "What happened?" you ask.

"Eh, I was probably just dehydrated." he says.

"Yeah, you've gotta be careful. Once the clock hits twelve baby you won't know what hit ya." you reply. You know he's actually not that aggravating. Your smile grows, "Here, come sit in the shade with us for a little bit." You give him a hand in standing up. Taking it, he gives you a tight lipped smile. You lead him and the kids to the patio.

On your walk over, Jasper asks. "Did you fall on your head? Y/n always tells us to not fall on our head." Looking up to JJ with eyes bulging from curiosity.

"I don't think so." JJ says, taking a seat.

"Did you break anything?" He questioned, making you smile as you sat down across from JJ at the table.

"Not that I can tell,"

"Are you trying to steal my job, Jasper?" You kid, Jasper sitting next to you and Penny crawling on your lap.

"No," he replies, confused.

"Mkay, I'm watching you." You point two fingers to your eyes then turn them to him. He erupts in contagious giggles.

"Hey why don't you two go get your sandwiches you can eat out here today." You look between the two kids.

"Okay," Jasper says, springing up and scampering into the house. "Hey help your sister alright?" You yell after them. Throughout this encounter you had failed to notice JJ's content smile.

You snap your head to him making him register his smile and wipe it away quickly.

You caught a glance at his bruises again, trying to figure out the cause. "Hey are you sure you're alright?" Maybe that rumor you heard about his dad was true.

"Oh Y/n/n don't you worry about me." The nickname sent warmth through your chest. He swatted his hand in the air, brushing it off, but his sapphire eyes told a different story.

It's a small island after all, you knew just how often he faced trouble. Maybe he got in with some bad folks.

"I know I'm definitely not your first choice but always here if you want to talk and.. I'm cpr certified so if you're dying come tell me." You smile at the last part, raising your eyebrows.

He chuckles, "Well I'll definitely let you know if I'm dying. Thanks," He smiles lowering his head back down to look at his shoes.

"No problem," you turn your head at the sound of the door opening. Jasper watched Penelope intently. "You made it, good job." You say as the kids make their way to the table.

"JJ, can you still see?" Jasper questions.

"Jasper remember what we said about interrogating?" You say raising your eyebrows at him, a smile on your face.

"Oh yeah. Sorry." He apologizes to JJ.

—————

On your way out from the Brown household, JJ jogged up next to you.

"Hey," He now stood next to you.

"Oh, hey. You feelin' better?" You sent him a small smile, turning to him.

"Feeling great, had the best nurse." He gave you that JJ Maybank smile.

"Aw, you're sweet." Your cheeks burned red, your embarrassment at it made them all the more rosy.

You must have made up the blood that rushed to his own, "Listen, I have an offer for you."

"Okay," you smile, curious.

"You should come by the boneyard tonight. We're throwing a kegger."

"What kind of offer is that." Your voice laced with sarcasm.

"One you can't refuse." You chuckle to this.

Smiling you say, "No an offer is supposed to be something special. I know for a fact you guys throw a kegger almost every week."

"Well, we don't usually personally invite people." He raised his brows, that damn smile.

"Yeah, sure." You smirk, turning to your car.

"That's not a no." He smiles down to you.

"I'll be there." You give, climbing into your car.

"Can't wait. You won't be disappointed, princess."

"I better not be." You smile.

"See ya then,"

"See ya," With that he closes your car door and you smile like an idiot. As you pull out of the driveway JJ waved to you before skipping back to his work, that he was most certainly not behind on.

(Okay the first aid questions are definitely not what you do when you think someone has a concussion but we gotta sacrifice realism for the plot yk)

Also, pt. 2?

#jj obx fic #jj maybank fic #jj maybank fanfiction #jj mayback x reader #jj obx imagine #jj maybank #obx jj #jj obx #jj x y/n #jj x reader #jjk imagines #jj #obx fandom #obx fic #obx x reader #outer banks #outerbanks fic #fanfic #obx angst

[therumpus]

Strong Women and Tenderness in Poetry: A Conversation with Caitlin Coey

by Jeri Frederickson

Through the strength of Ani DiFranco’s songs, Jessica Chastain’s ass-kicking characters, and a host of friends, Caitlin Coey’s debut poetry collection, Without the Cliff (Finishing Line Press, 2023) weaves strength and beauty to bolster the reader through the grieving and painful seasons of life. The poems explore complex memories and relationships through healing and beauty.

Coey is a queer writer whose work focuses on gender-based violence, mental health, queer love, and the importance of friendship. Her poetry names childhood traumas that many have experienced and reminds readers they are not alone. Coey’s poems resonate with the strength of friendships that guide folks out of dark nights of the soul. Her works reimagine what could have or should have been - and how to draw strength from the icons of our day. Her poetry has appeared in Shambles, The Roadrunner Review, Awakened Voices, Sad Girls Club, and The Heduan Review.

Coey and I met attending poetry seminars and workshops, and I have had the privilege to publish her poems in Awakened Voices, a journal for survivors of sexual violence. I spoke with her recently on Zoom to learn how these poems came to be and how she has cared for herself and her reader.

***

The Rumpus: Congratulations on your debut book! How did Without the Cliff  title come about?

Caitlin Coey: There is a poem in the book called “A Prayer for When Legs Crumble and Vision Blurs” and the last couplet is “make me Thelma and Louise without the cliff.” It's a prayer to myself about wanting to be strong. Something I do as a coping mechanism when I’m feeling disempowered is watch movies and TV shows where strong women are kicking butt and defeating villains. It’s comforting because I know it’ll end well and my body remembers what it is to feel empowered. 

Rumpus: The book ends on a poem with strong women and a prayer. You’ve offered coping mechanisms to the reader at the end.

Coey: The poem that ends the book now is a calming poem. It's a soothing poem. My goal was always to be mindful of not overly protecting, but not triggering the reader. I didn’t want to include anything just because it was difficult or because it was shocking. So, ending with a piece that's comforting is like giving the reader a warm blanket, and it lets the reader know that I, as the author, am okay too.

Rumpus: Why is it important to you that the reader knows the author is okay?

Coey: I come from a theater background and if you're an actor in a challenging scene, and you're not okay as the actor, the audience knows that. Then the audience worries about you instead of following the story and having their own experience. That's something that I really carry with me as a writer. I didn't want to shy away from anything, but I also didn’t want to re-traumatize anyone if I could help it. I know there's a big divide about trigger warnings, but I like to have them. At 34, I know what a lot of my triggers are, not all of them, but a lot. Even if there aren’t the words “trigger warning” or “content warning,” there are often breadcrumbs and you can sense what something is going to be and choose if you want to engage with it. To be clear—even if I end up being triggered by something I watch or read, I'm never mad at the person who made the art. But if there are intentionally no breadcrumbs and no warning of any kind, it feels like valuing the art over the mental health of the audience.

Rumpus: You begin the book with an Ani Difranco quote. Is this a way to prepare the reader and yourself for the sometimes difficult content in the book?

Coey: As many queer women do, I have a long relationship with Ani DiFranco and I love that song “If He Tries Anything” from the album “Out of Range.” It makes me feel empowered. I was probably listening to it during the writing of many of these poems. I wanted there to be those breadcrumbs. The dedication is to survivors. For me it functions as both a welcome and a content warning. For this book, I’m saying listen this happened to me, and I made it out of the bottom of the well, metaphorically. And you're going to be okay too. The only reason I was able to write any of this is because I had people around me who showed me how to get out because they’d been there too.

Rumpus: How did you know these poems all went into a collection?

Coey: I've been writing for most of my life—since I was ten—but it was sporadic. When I started going to therapy and diving into and uncovering the stuff that I talk about in the book and dealing with it, writing is what helped. The poems go together because they’re all a part of my healing process.

Rumpus: There are several poems that are letters to specific people in your life, but the reader gets to be someone who knows you and the person that these letters are written to.

Coey: I’m glad to hear that as a reader you feel let in by those pieces. I got some feedback a while ago that those poems shouldn't be in the book because they’re an inside thing between me and somebody the reader doesn't know. I was adamant they needed to go in the book because those people are very important to me.

Now there's a lot of books and surveys that talk about how friendship is equally as important as romantic relationships. But I remember a time when, and maybe it was just the atmosphere I was in, but friendship was looked at as a placeholder to romance. I’ve never agreed with that. I wanted to elevate the importance of friendship and show that a big part of what enables me to be okay enough to write about what’s in the book are the people I wrote letters to.

Rumpus: As a fellow writer, I was impressed with the beauty of the language that was in poems that include difficult subject matter. As a reader, it also felt like an elevation that holds everything.

Coey:  I have always dealt with complicated feelings with metaphor, even before I knew what a metaphor was. As a kid, I had a lot of really complicated feelings, but I didn't know how to describe them. I can remember being asked, “Do you feel sad? Do you feel happy?” I was always like, “That's not enough; those aren't enough words.” I still have trouble as a 34 year-old identifying my feelings sometimes, which is a result of things I talk about in the book. So, I use imagery to express myself and to understand how I feel and what I think.

Rumpus: This beautiful language also extends through the First Kiss series.

Coey: The first one I’d never written about before because it's about a coercive experience. I was always mad that was how my first kiss went. And you know, you can get into conversations with friends about first kisses and what they were like and it’s supposed to be fun. I would always have to decide if I was going to say the real thing or pick something else. And that just makes me so mad and sad for myself. So, I wrote what I wished instead, which is where the redux poem comes in. The other First Kiss poems are those alternative stories. I liked the idea of surprising the reader in an exciting way with those stories. I’m reframing the experiences and choosing what I want to tell in the moment.

Rumpus: Is Without the Cliff telling the story you want to tell?

Coey: Absolutely. I hope people feel less alone. Maybe one day we won't have to say this anymore, but writing about trauma isn’t just therapeutic, it’s valid artistic material. Even ten years ago, I can remember feeling like my work didn’t have a place in the literary world, and that could have been my specific bubble, but I don’t think so. With that idea resounding in society, it can be hard to keep writing about these difficult things, to remember that your voice is important. That’s what I want people to know. Don't listen to the critic in your head saying you don't matter or that nobody wants to hear it because it’s not true. Your story is valuable.

________________________________________

Jeri Frederickson is the author of You Are Not Lost, available from Finishing Line Press. She is the Creative Director of a nonprofit arts organization in Chicago whose mission centers survivors of sexual violence. She graduated from Antioch University Los Angeles with an MFA in Writing.

#writeblr #lit #creative writing #interviews #the rumpus

[dancerdarling]

I’m gonna get real on here.

My account is for mindfulness and mental health. I can honestly say my mental health is shit right now, and maybe hearing my story can help someone else?

My mom is in the process of divorcing her ex, who she’s been with since 2015 and married to since 2019. He was abusive and used his disability as an excuse for being abusive. He was narcissistic, controlling, and we all felt as if our only future revolved around him.

My mom moved me and my brothers to Alaska in December 2023, shortly before Christmas, and she filed for divorce there. We have connections in Alaska but for privacy’s sake I will not disclose the nature of those connections.

I feel like my life has fallen apart. I’ve lived in Colorado since 2012 and my entire life is there. In January, I was able to return via flight to get my Great Dane from the pet hotel and possibly fend for myself, which I was initially excited about. My dog is severely traumatized both from her first owners and from my now ex-stepfather, and her behavior is getting worse. I was staying with my best friend’s family but they can no longer accommodate us. At this moment I’m sitting in my car waiting to find out if the rescue is going to temporarily repossess her, or if they’ll allow me to bring her with me to Alaska. And, if matters couldn’t get worse, I can no longer see my therapist: either I move back to Alaska where she has no counseling license, or I stay here and can’t afford her services even with insurance.

My heart is broken. I am tired, so tired. I am depressed, and anxious, and haven’t been sleeping well. It has been difficult to do college work and now my old knee injury is acting up. It’ll lock up for hours at a time and it makes walking painful or borderline impossible. I am the believer type - notice how I said “believer” and not “religious”. Faith is more important than religion. Anyways… I’ve been praying. So hard. For a solution. I know God is listening. I just need to wait. And waiting sucks, especially in this economy.

If anyone out there on the Internet feels hopeless, I’m in the same leaking boat with you. And I know we can make it. We just have to fight. This account was made so that people who feel hopeless could feel as if they aren’t alone anymore. And I think being transparent reinforces that.

So, my daisies, let’s kick some societal butt and hold our heads above the water just a little while longer.

#mental health #wellness #adulting #anxiety #depression #ptsd #domestic violence survivor #narcissism

[borahaejenn]

✨💜Happy Birthday Taehyung-ah!!!!! And Happy New Year Bangtan and ARMY💜✨

 Hahaha this is the last letter of the year. And let’s go out well, right? Yeah! I will be waiting for y’all in 2023. I am wishing the best for our HOBI as well. I will be rooting for him from afar! Let’s end the year well with Hobi kicking the new year off for us. Yeah! Get it HOBI. LEAD US INTO A PROSPEROUS YEAR. 🤟🤟🤟🤟But, first 🎉HAPPY 27/28th BIRTHDAY TO OUR KIM TAEHYUNG!!🐻🎉 We made it to the end of another year with you. I am happy that you are in good health but also that you were born. Thank you for your presence. You did well. 💪🔥🔥🔥🔥 Let’s party party yeah! Lol Well at least here we will haha But, how has your day been? I cleared out my space and let go of many things. Both physically and mentally. I spent a couple of days concentrating and focusing on what I did this year and what I want to work on and I feel at peace. But I’m ready to kick some serious butt!😈 I feel soft but with a fire that is less uncontrollable and more driven towards one target lol I smell something cooking and it smells delicious. Hehe 😉 lol this is figurative but yeah. The theme of this 2023 year is finally seeing what I am, who I am, and what I can do, but walking in silence in a different sense. There is power in no one seeing me but just me seeing me. My passion is for me and I just want me to see it lol I feel like I always got too excited to share what I did and what I wanted to do and I wanted to understand that feeling and I noticed I want to keep it to myself now and at the end of the year I will speak about it. I don’t even want to show my progress I just want to keep going and going. Lol it’s a solitude and peaceful type of year but with a lot of work in the background and I like that thought. 😊 But, I hope everyone can find their vibe for the year. 😎 But, let’s carry on the festivities or your birthday, si. Lol

  Let me get to your gifts Tae Tae!!!! Ahhhh!!! For this year I was inspired by your Paris pictures in the past and through the years and I then went into French pop music and looked into what my sister was into and my friend Ana because they learned French in high school but my sister doesn’t speak it as much these days but Ana knew how to speak it lol I looked at French artists and different types of vinyl and a light shined brightly on Françoise Hardy and her album Ma Jeunesse Fout Le Camp. I went down this hole and I love her music so much!!! I got the vinyl for her album and her pictures lit up something in me and I did some photos with edits that looked like that out of a vinyl cover. I added this vintage grainy overlay on some photos to give it that look and ahhh!!! Thank you for inspiring me. 😭✨ I hope everyone can enjoy those photos haha I tried to give as many visuals as possible and face cards lol in honor of your visuals. The Capricorn rising in me rose up and took over lmaoo I was like, “Channel vintage Kim Tae Tae Jenn” I was focusing hard.😂😂😂 the term “face card” is like a slang term for a face that is giving visuals, and never slips. Lol I slip but tried not to that day for these photos. Haha Capricorn club, UNITE!!!✊🔥 Let’s go Taehyung lol GOATS 4 LIFE. Lol 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 But, the theme was RETRO and vintage vinyl cover.  🙂

  Oh and Taehyung-ah I saw and listened to your IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS cover and TANNNNNIEEEEEE😭 I’m out like knocked out from the cuteness. My heart. But, I am glad to have seen an update on the cutie.😭😭😭😭 ahhhhhh! The cover is beautiful and you are sounding just like Bing Crosby lol It’s lovely. 🙌 Thank you for the gift and also to Jimin for his drawing.🥰 Y’all cute. 💕95 line is out here snatching hearts lol

  For the origami portion, yes it is also a surprise but I think if you guess you will have already guessed right about what I folded for you lol it’s so cute but I only did one origami because I wanted to be even more intuitive with it and keep it simple and my heart just said “go for that one” and so I did and I love it.🤎I hope you can make a wish with it and that it can come true. ✨

  Before I get into the playlist hehe I wish to take this moment in the letter to speak about quotes from your current weverse interview. Taehyung-ah LET’S JUMP IN lol:

-“If you like something for a long time, that feeling sort of intensifies, and whenever I like something, I end up doing something about it.” This is a very bold statement. I dig it. For me, I have to love something to do something about it lol I go on by what lights me up the most and I have to have that feeling of love that it’s almost euphoric and I have to chase it down and go for it. It’s not that it intensifies for me but that intensity is already there at first listen touch or encounter. That’s how I have been about most things in my life at least the things that have stayed as long as now. Music was like that for me because I loved the way it made me feel and it made me move and sing and speak. As a kid, I didn’t know why I felt like moving a certain way or just why I felt the need to sing a specific tune. I just keep doing it more and more and I enjoy it even now. I’m impulsive by nature so it hits differently. You have more of a slow simmer that is passionate over time. You enjoy devouring the moment while I gulp it down. both have a satisfying ending but they hit differently lol I think everyone has their vibe and I enjoy hearing others' perspectives.

-“I can show off my personal flair on that account. I don’t think I need to worry what other people think about it.” I love this for you. 😇👏👏👏👏👏 That last part was hot. Lol Yeah, at the end of the day we are tiny specks living on a floating rock at least that is what Keanu Reeves taught me lol so what you post is yours to enjoy and what other people have to say doesn’t really matter when we are just all out here living trying to be ourselves and learning through that process.

-“It all depends on who I am that day. Whatever I’m doing, it’s up to whoever I am that day to make the judgment call.” This is the most Aries moon thing you have ever said lol 😂 It just depends on how the world and people try you that day that they will get the same energy back because we reciprocate what is given back to us lol It’s the Ram way 🔥 This is why Ram people are also mysterious. You will never know who we really are or how we feel unless we feel it right and trust the occasion or people to say so and we just go each day by matching energy and nothing more or less unless there is more or less given to us. Like we can know so much more than we lead on but make you feel like we know nothing lol it just depends on how you move around us and make us feel haha I feel seen with what you said here Taehyung. Lol I can’t with the judgment call part because yessssss.👏👏👏👏

-“And I don’t edit them, either. Because if I did, they wouldn’t be me anymore. I tend to leave the photos just as they are with an unpolished feel.” I think it’s really nice to have this being said by someone whose line of work is in the public eye and being looked at visually almost 24/7 by many. I love that you stood up and said you are fine not editing your body because you don’t want to and you like letting the unpolished sides shine. It’s ironic when I say that but I think that you don’t have to have light to always shine. It is the actions no one sees or notices that shine the most. This is one of those actions. You are stepping up and normalizing self-love in this form. 💜 Props. I agreed with the lighting part too lol I only ever edit the saturation and lights on photos but no photoshop or any of that. I think photoshop is complicated and I said this before but I’m too lazy to figure that out I only know how to crop the background and that’s because Canva has a tool that does it for you automatically lol also I would like to sleep comfortably at night knowing that if I ever met people they get me from my photos and not someone else. If y’all can be as open in photos with us I want to be with y’all too. 😇

-“I don’t really put too much thought into it.” Yes. One thing at a time and one minute at a time lol 😂 I know you meant this about your posts and photos but this is a generally relatable thought for me. I don’t put much thought into my every day. Like I have a blueprint in my mind of something I can follow but I end up getting it done in the most obscure ways lol but things get done. 👍 I learned I’m not a planner. I’m sure as hell an organizer but not a planner and they are two different things. I work best by going what calls to me and I get it done well and not because I planned specific times to do them lol I can’t follow specific timings unless it’s something like an appointment or flight. Lol I stopped using planners because of that too I could never finish a planner because they don’t work for me. I got my mind, my sticky notes, and a chalkboard and that’s how I tackle everything in my day lol I color coordinate my important tasks and tackle them one at a time by how I feel to do them.

-“I tend to jump on things as soon as I am hooked.” Hehe this contradicts your first statement lol but it makes sense. I noticed a lot through the years that you engaged in many different interests and you enjoyed them because you went into them because you felt like it at those times. Like with your saxophone, then your trumpet, then drawing, golfing, photography, and even painting. You love life by going to what calls to you and I can see how that ties up with your last statement of wanting to be someone who can engage in anything and do well at it. 😌

-“I love the freedom that allows one person to get one thing from what I do while someone else gets a different feeling. I find it interesting to see other people make different images of me in their imagination based on the way I express myself.” This is beautifully said.✨You remind me of Leonardo da Vinci. He is also a Ram homie born on April 15 hehe Aries alumni is straight fire but people know him because of the painting he did, Mona Lisa. However what people don’t know so much is that he explored many subjects and was also an engineer, sculptor, architect, botanist, and scientist. He contributed to all those fields with his curiosity and studies and has a lot to show for it. Does anyone really know who he was beyond just being a painter? Not really. His findings in all those fields he studied contributed to a lot for this day and age but he never gave himself fully away. You make me think of that sentiment. They do say that great minds think alike. Hehe You are on to something here, honey. 😉

-“Everyone has a different idea about what it means to be free, but I think my idea of freedom is a little more free than—compared to other people’s. I would want my movie to be one that conveys that sense of freedom all at once.” What is your idea of freedom in all its capacity? I wonder. I feel like these days it’s hard to really add meaning to it because there is such a thing as finding freedom but it is still constricted within people because of the environment and people they are influenced by. A person can have everything, the freedom to live the way they want, to live anywhere, to love who they want, and even do what they love but will they fully embrace it even if the world sees and doesn’t agree? If you can’t I don’t think that’s freedom. You are still bound by something if you can’t embrace it without a care. To be fully free to me is to embrace what you love, who you love, what you hope, what you really think, what you value, and what you do, and allow it to be out there so far into the depths of the world that when anyone wants to make it the subject of a discussion you have no fear but to speak of it in bravery because you know it’s your life and you honor it as such to not run from defending it all costs. It’s not about making someone understand but for them to get that no opinion can taint the beauty of what you created to be yours and yours only. I like that sentiment. 🥰You brought up a lovely point Taehyung. Thank you.

-“I’m not sure what people think of my songs because I can’t be there with them.” 😭 I’m so glad I do videos now. Because when your music comes out whenever you choose to let it out you will know and feel how I feel about them. 😭It will be like you are there with me. Lol But, it’s understandable if you mean in a real sense that it isn’t fully possible to grasp that feeling and thought of how people really feel about your music because it hits differently for everyone. It would be awesome if people created technology where people can actually feel each other through emotions lol I think people would cry because it would be like someone seeing themselves through their loved one like the POV would be insane to feel through someone. Lol that’s some deep stuff to work with but an interesting experience. I also feel that most people really don’t know how much they are dear and loved by certain people and that type of experience would make people's bonds stronger. 😭

-“I feel like I want to be as objective as I can be with myself when it comes to the songs I make.” This is really the “Unwanted and unnecessary opinions don’t matter” era and I am digging it lol YES, KIM TAEHYUNG I think you are channeling the fire in you more these days lol let’s goooooo! Isn’t it nice to be part fire element lol Fire is nice because people think we fear chaos when we have been born into it since day 1 lmaoo we handle chaos lol Fire doesn’t burn fire lol it just makes more 😂 So an opinion here and there doesn’t burn, it just stings and goes away if it doesn’t help lol It’s just a matter of if you can’t handle the fire stay out of our kitchens lol because something is cooking each time in our kitchens. You either cook with us or you can’t sit with us. Lol And by this I mean, ride the chaos with us or sit it out. You don’t have to understand it but I have mad respect for those who still come with me for the ride. I mean it.😂 But, I love that you are protective of what you are cooking in your kitchen Tae and I mean your music. Do you. I will have fun enjoying and going on this ride with you and ARMY let’s freaking go!🔥🔥🔥🔥

-“… I hope you can tell both my voice and the entire atmosphere of the songs are taking on a deeper emotional power. It’s one of the most important goals I’ve ever tried to achieve.” Compared to your cover of Adele’s Someone Like You to your cover of Hug Me to Stigma to Singularity to 4 O’CLOCK to Scenery to Winter Bear it is insane how you kept that depth but managed to change it in emotion each time for all the tracks you covered and even created. Your voice is soulful not only because it gives that sound but because of the emotion you evoke with those pipes you have. 😭👍 And by pipes I mean your vocals. For something to move me as a listener of music, something has to give me that engagement of chills for me to want to sing it. The lyrics are one thing and the sound and melody are another but I need to feel that passion and that story coming from that voice like it is something they have been wanting to say but no one is listening. Something that I feel that I am not just hearing but is also making me listen for the first time. Your voice is like that. You are giving me a story, not just a sound. I can feel the frustrations and effort in your tone and feeling even if it doesn’t come out that way as a general thought. That’s emotional power. I feel that in a lot of artists I listen to and that’s why I also listen to their tracks. It’s not just a nice ballad, track, or pop song it’s like their story being in that tone in that emotion coming out of their voice. I feel it and I love it. I think you have achieved it. 👍

-“…my idea of a spring day was sort of like the sky clearing up after overcoming a chilly, melancholy feeling? It was a feeling like we’re going to have good days ahead, somehow.” When you brought up Namjoon’s image of winter still in the air and the image of a sky before it’s cleared up it really adds up well with yours because Spring Day is not thee Queen for no reason. It is dubbed in high regard amongst all of us ARMY because it's that song that adds both those elements you both brought up into one single track. Spring Day is the freaking standard and more lol You get the sentiment of dreading a dry and cold winter as if it will never pass and you long for better and clearer days but the end makes you feel that the better days are ahead. It's a track that is a safe space to validate your sadness and frustrations but also reminds you that you need to get up and keep moving because staying in a winter painting won’t create or bring the spring day you are meant to see and feel outside of that still life canvas. It always told me that it’s okay to be still but you also need to get up and walk on your own. It’s cold now but you are a human and you naturally carry warmth. You will always attract warmth and light no matter what and you have to trust that. That hopefulness is there. I think that is conveyed in the track and vocals of it and that’s why it is loved so dearly and your vision with Namjoon’s really did that justice. 🙏

-“So, while I could become something that can be explained, I don’t really think I absolutely need to.” This one is my favorite quote from all of these. I think this is individuality at its purest. When you just are undefined and not trying so hard to be undefined. It’s not about uniqueness but that no one can ever put a word or definition to you no matter what you do. You just are. You are being. You are living as you naturally are because you are choosing to live as you are. This one is one for my quote books. 🤓📝 Also, when you talked about being a tree it reminded me of Namjoon’s quote about being a tree with many branches through our life experiences and how when we get to our 30s and 40s maybe we can be a giant tree with many leaves. I love it.

-“So I think I shouldn’t get hung up on things I need to get rid of and just get rid of them, get the things I need to get, and make sure I make the things I need to make.” This is like a little reminder I think we all need for the end of this year and for the next year. Get rid of what no longer serves you physically, mentally, and emotionally and make space spiritually for what you know you deserve and are worthy of. Keeping what no longer deserves you or helps you are impeding what is meant to come towards you. It’s okay to let go. You are not a bad person for doing so. It’s time to get all our pollitos in order 🐥 lol if one baby pollito is out of line then the whole line messes up and your pollitos will get lost. Lol think of it that way. Jimin would be proud of you if you kept all your Pollito’s together and he will be even more proud if you are taking care of yourself properly. 😭 I love you too, Jimin. 😘Remember, If one thing is amiss in your life, call it out and figure out why and adjust it. It only takes one domino to fall for the rest to do so too. Don’t fumble all the areas in your life that need attention. Lol

-“I want to create so many different personas that there’s thousands of versions of myself out there and I can become the kind of person who has a new me good enough to do something different every day.”  Your interview ended on a lovely note here Tae Tae. I support your ultimate dream. I hope that this year as well, Bangtan and ARMY, and you too can add a little more to your lives so you can be one step closer to your own ultimate goals and dreams. 🥳 I use to think that I wanted to know about everything because when I got anxious I literally made it my mission to know about many different things just in case I ever had a scenario where I would need to know certain information. Lol But, I like that because of my anxiety at least one good thing came out of it and that is that I opened my world to many different things and I know random things because of that. I am not the best at just one thing, I can just be good at a lot of things and I like that. I am not aiming to be the best. I am aiming at knowing how to do a lot of things at least somewhat well enough for it to aid me if I ever need it. You know I once bought a ton of books on herbal and plant medicine because I feared scarcity of food and the apocalypse lol I wanted to know holistic means to survive and I ended up learning a lot about different teas and ways they aid the body and even bloating. I learned a lot about mint and ginger. But long story short this is an example of what I mean lol but I grew to respect holistic medicine because of it. But I still have the books and I have more to read lol I have to say that anxiety can be scary at times but when you can get to a place of it not controlling you, you kind of become thankful for the new skills it brings to light in you especially survival. A person who is anxious has a different mind than one who hasn’t been or isn’t so the perspectives are different and I love that I can think differently because of it. I have grown to love that part of me after a while. I hope you can also love that you have the capability to pick something up and enjoy it and learn something new in the process. I think it’s awesome. 💜Learning is truly a gift.

     To end this last letter of the year let me finish with the playlist. I created the photos with lyrics and the cover for your playlist based on Sara Bareilles's album LITTLE VOICE and it was awesome to recreate in my own way. Lol I got to use a label maker for once haha with a portable radio and I hope y’all can enjoy that. I was stoked and always wanted to try it out. The theme for the tracks is less of what I heard this month and more of what I learned to enjoy with your influence and that is with jazz and slight Bossanova music lol I listened to different artists and albums again and some new and this playlist is a reflection of spending an evening with me and my jazz picks and just chilling, ignoring the world, sipping on wine or whatever drink comforts you after a long day, and laying down, taking a bath, stargazing, sitting by a nice fire, and even just taking a nice walk at night. This playlist is all mostly jazz and Bossanova inspired hehe I love it. There is Spanish jazz in there as well with some French and Korean too and it is lovely. I wanted to give y’all some comfort in honor of the comfort you have given us all Taehyung. ✨ especially with your presence and music. Your parents brought a lovely cinnamon bun into this world and I’m glad you are here. Lol  I will say that hands down I fell so hard for BETTY CARTER. 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I wanted to add more tracks of hers in here but it would overflow lol I dig her music and ahhh it was hard to pick even just two to add here but I did. Lol BEWARE MY HEART is one of my favorites and it made me feel some type of way.😭 I felt like I was alone in a bar just in my feelings sipping on my cranberry on the rocks lol 😂 I hope you can feel my imagery too. Haha it’s just lovely and it hits so well. I love it. Melody Gardot is also just precious and I love the heck out of FROM PARIS WITH LOVE. Just beautiful. 👏😌 IF YOU LOVE ME is also top tier. Haha these lyrics tho: “If you love me, let me know/ tell my heart which way to go/ come in close but come in slowly, now/ if you love me let me know/ other hearts may fly away but my hope is that you’ll stay we’re two weary hearts aglow now.” So cute. 🥰 it set the mood while I was winding down at night. Harry Connick, Jr. is also in here too I dig his music and have for a while and I got to listen to his older albums and I found two I loved so much. I love the lyrics to I’VE GOT S GREAT IDEA. Hehe I love these lyrics:”Ideas are few and far between/ And good ideas are rarer still/ so listen and be wise/ just forget the other guys/ ‘cause my idea’s no good for three/ my idea is you and me.” 😁 cute.   Magos  Herrera is also a gem. I found out about her music and I love her track NECESITO UN SOL it translates to I need the sun or I need a sun. Lol I love these lyrics: “Toma mi nombre, mi silencio y mi cuerpo al revés/Dame un signo, una palabra que me deje ver/ Si pudiera construir/ con mis miedos/ un ramo de flores/ Lo pondría a tus pies/ pa'convertirlo en un jardín de amores/ Necesita luz, no no

Necesito un sol, no no/ Toma mi nombre, mi silencio y mi cuerpo al revés/ Dame un signo, una palabra que me deje ver/ Oh Beautiful, could you be me/ Oh Beautiful, could I be me/ Oh Beautiful, could the world be/ Be me..” it’s just beautiful. The first verses translates to: “take my name, my silence, and my body backward. Give me a sign, one word that lets me see…If I could construct a bouquet of roses out of my fears I would lay it at your feet/ to convert them into a garden of love they need light, no no they need a sun, no no” 😭✨ I have to bring up Françoise Hardy again because I fell so hard for her music too. She is a French artist and she is a vibe. You can play her albums with no skips and just relish your alone time with them and she just makes you feel like you are fine wine. Lol 😂 I love it. I added three different tracks of hers. Ahhhh. I also love Veronica Swift like damn her voice is just chef’s kiss. GETTING TO KNOW YOU is one of my favorites from her. These lyrics are nice: “Getting to know you/ getting to know all about you/ getting to like you/ getting to hope you like me/ getting to know you/ putting it my way/ but nicely/ you are precisely my cup of tea…haven’t you noticed/ suddenly I’m bright and breezy?/ because of all the beautiful and new/ things I’m learning about you.” This song is for you. 💜🫶 The last track I wanted to bring up is the last one by Sarah Vaughan because she is just GOLD. And this song is just for you too. It’s called DEEP PURPLE and when I heard it and saw the name I felt it was meant for you and I wanted to end it in the sentiment of borahae because you created that new world for us all and I wanted to honor that. SHOUT OUT TO another RAM QUEEN, SARAH VAUGHAN. 🙌These lyrics are love: “When the deep purple falls/ over sleepy garden walls/ and the stars begin twinkle/ in the night/ in the mist of a memory/ you wander all back to me/ breathing my name with a sigh/ in the still of the night/ once again I hold you tight/ tho’ you’re gone your love lives on when the moonlight beams/ and as long as my heart will beat/ sweet lover, we’ll always meet/ here in my deep purple dreams.” 💜😭 I kind of had this imagery of even if we can’t see each other we can still see each other in our dreams. That deep purple dreams line got me lol I love it. I hope everyone can enjoy some of these tracks. They were picked in honor of you Tae and happy listening. Hehe 🎶💝

      This is the last goodbye of 2022. Haha 😂 I will see y’all in 2023. FIGHTING HOBI! I made a video telling you this too. Lol but, also FIGHTING BTS, ARMY, AND BTS CREW. let’s go. Remember to be gentle with yourself and get your POLLITOS in order. You got this! You are capable of what you want but start with baby steps and keep going. Don’t rush what is meant for you. Enjoy it. Please have a lovely 🎉TAEHYUNG DAY, V DAY, TAE TAE DAY, TAEHYUNG-AH DAY, CGV DAY LOL, WINTER BEAR DAY, AND KIM TAEHYUNG DAY. 🎉I had to add one with your full name Tae. Lol but, please eat deliciously 🎂🤤and I hope y’all get to enjoy the end of the year as well. 🎊Take care. And thank you once again FOR BEING HERE WITH US TAEHYUNG. During the winter, you are the warmth that reminds us that our spring day is also near. 🌸 WE ALL LOVE YOU. 💜I PURPLE U.💜I just wanted to also say to everyone, thank you for being a part of my life and for being with me this year. I want to take a moment to appreciate you too, my loves. I hope that even my presence and words have given you something to laugh at or had made you feel loved or even seen this year even for a bit. I really love you. *I am blushing cutely* lol bye bye!🤗

With mucho amor,

Your Jennifer ✨💜❄️🌸✌️🐰✌️🌸❄️💜✨

[knbgifimagines]

Well, guys, I was planning on getting back on track this weekend with posts but my kidney decided to have other plans. Turns out a stone and infection doesn’t mix, so I had to have emergency “surgery” (basically just a stent put in). And Kurocchi, being the saint she is, stayed with me in the hospital and is currently helping take care of me. I also have a follow-up surgery coming in two weeks, to remove everything, so I’m not entirely sure if we’ll be able to put anything out until after that. 

#i'm so sorry we've been so inactive guys #mental health and now this has been kicking our butts #we still love you all though #mod mitobae #surgery mention #mod post

[tequilamockingbird2015]

Hello everyone. I think I last logged in about four years ago. So it’s been quite some time.

I should have announced that I was going to stop running my blog. This community has done so much for me and my recovery, and I owe you all an explanation.

So you all know how I was studying hard to be a therapist? Well, it happened. I’m finally a licensed therapist! That being said, it would be ethically quite sticky for me to give mental health advice to people who aren’t my clients. Therapists are supposed to refrain from offering any clinical interventions or interpretations to people who are not in our care, so I am not sure if answering asks is appropriate. But perhaps I can still post about coping skills and strategies for mental wellness that I find helpful, without necessarily recommending them to anyone in particular? I’ll give this some thought.

When I started this blog, I had just been diagnosed with BPD and was really suffering. This community helped me understand my disorder and connect with others who relate as well. I have met several friends through the BPD community here, and one of them I actually now live with!

All of you here—your guidance, support, feedback, and love—have made such a big difference in my recovery. I finished DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and I can now say I no longer meet criteria for BPD. Yes, some days are hard, but overall my illness is far more manageable and my quality of life has dramatically improved. I just wish everyone had access to therapy like I did.

Now that I’m a therapist, I do CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), DBT (of course), CBTp (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Psychosis), and I have just completed training in CPT for PTSD (Cognitive Processing Therapy). The exciting aspect of this work is that there is so much more to learn and so many ways to help clients. It’s very rewarding, but admittedly I am struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I wonder if I was better at giving advice when I was running this blog!

My personal life has changed too. I found out that I don’t have major depressive disorder and persistent depressive disorder, like my therapists thought I did; it turns out I have bipolar II. I also have delayed onset PTSD. I have alluded to this before, but I had trauma in high school. Up until a few years ago, I was pretty much okay, but then I ended up in an environment that very much reminded me of my trauma and that triggered full-blown PTSD and the hypomanic episodes. This also triggered panic attacks and eventually panic disorder, though CBT has helped immensely with that.

Not gonna lie, these new diagnoses felt like a major setback. I made so much progress with BPD… and then these other disorders developed. PTSD in particular is really kicking my butt. Thankfully, it’s not affecting my work at all. I would still say that I’m not struggling nearly as much as I was several years ago, before I was in DBT. I’m trying Prolonged Exposure Therapy for PTSD, so I will see how that goes.

Anyway, I appreciate you all. Thank you for everything you have done to make my days brighter. It’s been a honor running this blog and being part of this community. Recovery is possible. And beautiful.

All my love,

TM

#personal

[bananaapplewaffle]

Twisted Wonderland Book 2: The Usurper from the Wilds

This is such a long post LMAO UTC ONCE AGAIN

Ah yes Scar's turn

which means

LEONA MY BELOVED

I swear all I can think of is Kingdom Hearts

girl help my urge to write fanfiction is showing

GRIMM GET ME SOMETHING

Me 🤝 Grimm

Chaotic as fuck

Oh finally money

Let's fucken go Grimm

man fuck the line

seems like your own fault, Ruggie

shoulda cut during the chaos

I do like your unique magic tho, Ruggie

its okay baby, you stole so much more food!

COPY CAT MAGIC????

Who is us?

oh, us—

LEONA

MY

BELOVED

HE'S A PRINCE

MY HAND IN MARRIGE SIR

Shall we nap together?

we in this bitch

ah lore

man what wack magic

god this game is just asking me to write a kh crossover

Girl what? Throwing hands for what??? Headmage!

...

You would think blot would be a result of high emotions, not just using your magic in general

side eyes grim who has been eating blotted magestones

Its the call out for me

And there it is, it is effected by mental/emotional state

GIANT SHADOW, YOU SAY?

THAT'S A FUCKEN HEARTLESS

Yelling for what, Headmage

Man fuck me, huh? Completely forgot about our deal, Crowley.

tbh mc i never know what's going ever lmao

SEVEN?

Are we saying Football or Football?

damn kinda hate how everything is magic based

Grim the Humble

WHAT CRUSHING HIS DREAMS

... my friends are my power

SUMMON THE DREAM EATERS

oh wait girl, imma housewarden LMAO

LEONA MY BELOVED

girl a handling fee

NOT THEM SAYING HE CANT EVEN PLAY

MALLEUS IM SORRY

THIS IS LITERALLY A TRANSGRESSION AGANIST HIM

LET'EM KNOW LEONA

oof the M word (Monster)

Idia that's just because you don't wanna do shit

Pay the late fees!

CHEATING

RUGGIE BITCH

THAT WAS THE FUCKEN PLAN

LEONA I MAY LOVE YOU

BUT I CAN'T CONDONE THIS

Should really clean this dorm up

lsakd;lksda;ldka

A request?

Is that a fucken threat?

Ah, you need Detective UwU Holmes (my among us name)

now you're speaking Grim's language!

Hello, yes, I'm Detective UwU Holmes. Tell me everything that happened.

I came to ask a simply question and you answer me with hands.

19 HEALTH??

why are you in my house? You have your own dorm

WHO LET YOU IN MY HOUSE

Oh his room is nice

Mans said don't give us a ship name lmao

aw that's sweet Grim

Riddle: BESTIE DOWN BESTIE DOWN

THEY TRIED TO TAKE OUT RIDDLE AND INSTEAD GOT TREY

I SURE DO FUCKEN THINK SO ACE

Don't say sus. its been tainted

Mystery Gang! Let's fucken go!

How is Cater not a Virgo? This is Detective Virgo shit.

Very cushy dorm

oh god it's all 3 of them

FELICITY? FENTY?

Really looked at him and said: "He aint it." and moved the fuck on.

Built like giraffes them two

Oh to be chased by giraffes

Not Jack, he def doesn't seem like the type but okie

Riddle what?

Into the Lion's den we go!

hmmmmmmm really don't like how y'all are talking about Savanaclaw

Cater I don't need you're help

Grim shut up

NOT KING

KING SHIT THO

YOU WANNA FIGHT

UwU Holmes heard that, Jack.

LEONA MY BELOVED

Sit here, look pretty and be smart. Got it!

IM DISTRACTED BY TAILS

SO YALL JUST GONNA ADD SWIPES AND TELL NO ONE

Hollow Bastion?

Jack, punch'em

I swear if these three are spending the night...

MALLEUS MY BELOVED

Sparkle, sparkle and he's gone

JACK BITCH THEY GOT YOU

Girl two? or just Leona...?

oh the baby wanted some milk

Ion like Horton

Gotta love how Ace and Deuce are just one person now (kinda have been tho too)

NOT JAMIL

Grim isn't house trained. We're working on his manners

Lamb rolls... I would like to try it.

UwU Holmes sits up straighter

Also Kalim I love you but you are just not all there.

He's a cat, Riddle. Ain't much going for him. Let him dream.

No Grim! I Detective UwU Holmes have solved the case!

Cater said "let's keep it on the DL, bestie"

GIRL WHAT THE FUCK

LEOPARD PINK LMAO

I wanna kick Ruggie in the butt.

Excuse me, I am not scum.

GIRL WHAT? AFTER ALL THAT RUNNING YOU WANT THEM TO FIGHT

LETS FUCKEN GO DUECE

LETS THROW HANDS

YOUR HEART?

KINGDOM HEARTS

Grim is right as hell. You just don't steal someone else's food

Growl at me more

I said what I said, and I said it with my whole chest. Cry about it.

Riddle... (affectionate)

Y'ALL GET A WATERFALL IN YOUR LOUNGE

GIRL NOT THE DIRTY MONEY TO SILENCE AZUL

Mirror Dream Time~

I deadass only really remember some of the Disney movies via KH and Scar had already overthrown Mufasa.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

might fuck around and roll over

Girl... not them doing shit right before the tournment.

Dirty, dirty...

I WANT FUNNEL CAKE

THEY BE SLEEPIN

GIRL "LAUGH WITH ME" I GOTTA GO

MFEN WILDBEASTS IN THIS PIECE

All of this over a damn game

LMAO DUMMIES

PERIODT LET'EM KNOW

LILIA BITCH

All of that work, for nothing.

WELL—

Damn Leona your "aint shit" is showing

I can't be the only one who hears the Yoko in some of this music.. Did they get her on this? (Nope!)

Girl...the ghetto with him

DOU MAGIC???

Leona you may be my beloved but you are acting really stupid.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

JACK IS A FURRY REALIZED

ON ALL LEVELS EVEN PHYSICAL HE IS A WOLF

TELL'EM LILIA

oh shit here we go y'all

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA IM ABOUT TO WHORE

PERIODT RUGGIE

Girl is that not just Scar's Heartless from KH2

Girl we ain't making it first time around

Ruggie is burning, besties

Got my ass.

Leveling Intermission

4 tImEs ThE cHaRm GaNg

ANYWAY

LEONA MY BELOVED'S PAST

Oh I just can't wait to be king

...over a fucken game...

ALL THAT SHIT JUST TO GET DISQUILIFED

Every bitch in this bitch is selfish

same tbh

GET HIS ASS RUGGIE

IVE BEEN BLESSED

aww jack they're our idiots tho

Crowley don't be like that

NOOOOOOO

ALL GRIM WANTED TO DO WAS PLAY THE DAMN GAME

Why are y'all always around the corner

Got our rag tag team

Grim already ate the damn stone

Girl help I'm in the infirmary but don't know how I got here

its like a big ole sleepover

BABY

SMALL BABY

WE'RE BESTIES UNCA LEONA

GRIM NOT YOU TAKING, NOT EATING, BUT SAVING IT AS A MIDNIGHT SNACK

RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE

IN MY HOUSE

NAH NAH WAKE UP

GIRL HELP THE REFLECTIONS ARE COMING FOR ME

...was the mirror blotting?

UIODSUIOUASIOUDIOIDUA\

IT IS

GRIM YOU GOTTA STOP PUTTING WHATEVER IN YOUR MOUTH

Girl the client who?

seeing them makes me want to play Ursula's Revenge from KH2

Girl help

...I'm all caught up

And that's been Alie's Adventures in Twisted Wonderland! See y'all next update!

Ramblings Masterlist

#waffle plays twsted #twsted wonderland #twisted wonderland #long post #leona kingscholar #ruggie bucchi #jack howl #riddle rosehearts #ace trappola #deuce spade #trey clover #cater diamond #im not taggin the rest of them lmao

[foodieforthoughts]

Sand and Stars - Chapter Three

Series Summary: After the water pump being blown up, the insurgents in Baqubah are taking a hold of the food supply to the village. Camp Warhorse is in dire need of reinforcements. It has been eight months of submitting countless requests when the High Command commissions Sergeant Olivia Ross to take her group of men and women and help Captain Syverson and his team to restore a semblance of normalcy. But with the war raging, does it get two hearts closer too?

Pairing: Captain Syverson x OFC x OMC

Word Count: 1834

Warnings: 18+, Mentions of war, military technicalities, smut in future chapters

A/N: Everyone who is sticking around for this story, I love you all. So finally there is a bit of story progression and I really am excited for your feedback. Also, thanks to @thelastsock for beta reading, this woman is a GEM! Like, comment and reblog if you liked it, we writers get a boost of confidence from it. Enjoy!

*gif by @demivampirew*

<Chapter Two

Title: Chapter Three

Olivia rubbed her hands together as the cold January winds washed over her face. Her four in the morning wake up had her relieving Schmidt from his patrol post. Despite wearing her t-shirt underneath her fatigues and the armored vest strapped on her torso, she shivered as a gush of wind swept over the silent desert.

The temperature in the Iraqi desert usually dropped down extensively, in contrast to the sweltering heat during the day. Olivia loved winter mornings but only when she was back home in New York, watching the sun rise through the fog with a steaming cup of coffee. Oh what would I do to get a cup of coffee right now.

She spotted Sloan behind a barricade made with sandbags along with BJ, or Sergeant Benjamin Jones, by her side. In a funny twist of events, two weeks of an unusually high amount of scheduled postings together was all it had taken for Margaret Sloan to stop complaining about his boisterous attitude and morph into fawning over the man. Olivia had an inkling that BJ was behind the coincidences of them spending time together so often.

Walking across the quiet compound, Olivia reached the gate where Schmidt stood with two more men from the Special Forces team, whom she recognized as Pepps and Pats. Schmidt smiled at her as she approached him which she returned with her own while pulling on her gloves. Adjusting her rifle properly around her shoulder, Olivia greeted the other two men who were in the process of pulling out cigarettes from a box.

“Morning, Sarge,” Schmidt greeted while accepting a cigarette from Pepps, “I can go to bed now.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m here for.” She pulled at the scarf on her neck, winding it snuggly to prevent the wind licking at her exposed skin. Pats offered a cigarette to her which she promptly refused.

“What? You stopped smoking?” Schmidt spoke with the cancer stick between his lips, staring incredulously at her.

“Like you don’t know.” She rolled her eyes.

Schmidt shrugged his shoulder, lighting the cigarette and handing the camouflage print lighter back to Pepps. He let out a thick puff of smoke in the air with the other two giving similar clouds as they walked away.. “I blame Alex for changing you.” Schmidt said while shaking his head. “He’s made you bland like our MREs.”

Olivia snorted. “I don’t change for men, Gary. And besides, smoking isn’t good for health.”

“Who are you and what have you done to our Sergeant Red?”

Olivia laughed while punching Schmidt in the shoulder. Schmidt laughed along, taking drags of his stick in between. The silence of the night with not even the sound of insects was apparent in the pitch-black darkness beyond the gates. The silence felt deafening to her combat attuned, city living ears. 

“Sloan doing alright with her new guy,” Schmidt chuckled, jutting his chin towards the barricades. “These guys were letting me on some juicy gossip about those two.”

“Care to share?” Olivia feigned interest by animatedly resting her chin on a hand. She had already heard Sloan gushing about her supposed crush on the bearded hunk of a man who was apparently a sweetheart.

“Sloan snuck in their quarters last night. BJ made everyone-” His sentence was cut short as he looked beyond her shoulders, forgetting his words while being fixated on whatever was behind her.

Olivia turned around instinctively, following his gaze and gripping her rifle just in case. Her heart skipped a beat as she spotted Captain Syverson making his way towards them with Aika following him. He was dressed in only a t-shirt and cargo pants like the cold did not even affect him. Or he was too hot to feel it. She mentally kicked herself for letting her thoughts flow towards the gutter.

In the past few weeks, Olivia had grown to like the captain. She had already accepted the fact that physically he was a sight for sore eyes. But she had also observed how he went about his day and concluded he wasn’t a creep like she had initially thought.

She had watched him talk to his teammates, the meticulous briefing that he carried out every morning. He commanded respect but was also easy-going. Just the other day, she had watched from afar as he was being teased by Pepps over being smitten and how he was turning into a hormonal teenager. Olivia had blushed beet red when Pepps had mentioned her name and had rushed to join her men while trying to conceal the subtle smile playing on her lips.

“Good mornin’, guys.” Syverson’s husky voice sounded like a pleasant hymn to her ears. She let go of her gun, letting it hang over her chest and resorted to nervously fixing her scarf.

“Morning, Captain.” Schmidt greeted, offering his cigarette to Sy.

“I don’t smoke.”

Olivia looked towards Schmidt coyly, already understanding the thoughts going through her adopted twin’s head. Schmidt was smirking at her, wiggling his eyebrows and puffing out smoke as he made his way to join Pepps and Pats. On several occasions he had called her out for staring at Sy like he was a ‘delicious plate of home cooked food’. She had hastily refused and showed him the finger while desperately trying to hide her blush.

“Pleasant morning,” Sy commented, looking around the compound with his hands on his hips. She let her gaze travel over the vastness of his chest and down to the gun holster on his thigh. Olivia would have never imagined herself to be jealous of a piece of nylon sitting snugly against a soldier’s thigh.

“Sergeant Ross, are you checkin’ me out?”

Olivia instantly veered her eyes away from his thick thighs and looked up at him. Sy's eyes danced with mischief, a shit-eating grin peeking out from his beard. In the past two weeks, Sy had also progressively flirted with her. He would sometimes compliment her on her pushups in the gym which she assumed was just an excuse for him to look at her ass. He had brought out a cup of coffee for her in the middle of the night when she was posted at the gate too. His men had teased him about being partial towards her for which he had flipped a finger at them.

“Not everyone is like you, Captain.” She turned back around, pursing her lips to mask her smile. She liked to playfully banter with him. She heard him snort and walk to stand next to her. His presence made a spark of electricity travel from her head to the tip of her toes.

“I disagree.” He chuckled. The vibrato of his laugh reverberating from his chest seemed to immediately brighten Olivia’s day. She glanced at him and felt her heart pick up the pace, meeting his eyes. “If we were back home, I would have already taken you out on a date.”

As the words registered in her mind, warmth rushed to Olivia's face, even the tips of her ears felt hot in the cold desert air. “Pretty bold of you to assume I would go on a date with you.”

“Oh, you would agree.” He smirked at her. “I can even describe the date if you want.”

Olivia rolled her eyes. She shrugged her shoulders and leaned against the wall of the gate post. “Only because I have nowhere to go.” She tried to act disinterested, but her curiosity was already rising. It had been ages since she had last gone out on a proper date with any guy. Only the whirling blades of the chopper and the dust of the desert came to mind when she tried to recall the last time.

Sy leaned against the wall sideways on his shoulder, crossing one ankle over the other. He crossed his arms over his chest and smiled at her affectionately. “First, I would buy you some flowers and drive up to your house. Then I’ll take you to this wonderful place where they have seating in a private area, so that we are not disturbed. Would get some wine to go with our food and ask you about your life.”

“Red or white wine?” She asked only out of curiosity.

Sy scratched his beard, frowning as he thought. “Not a wine guy. But I would drink it if you like.”

Olivia was flattered that the Captain was ready to make an exception for her. She felt her heart flutter but decided to shrug her shoulder nonchalantly. She gestured to him to go on because she wanted to hear what else he planned for this date.

“After dinner, I’ll take you…for a nice walk at the park. We would sit on a bench and talk, maybe get a little handsy.” He raised his eyebrow suggestively, his mouth curling at the corner.

“Phft!” Olivia huffed, rolling her eyes. But internally her mind was already filling up with images of running her hands down Sy’s chest or feeling his hands on her butt. She took a slow breath to calm her rapidly heating body.

“Okay, scratch that. We’ll maybe go for an ice-cream. And when I’ll drop you back at your place, we’ll stand outside on the porch with only the crickets keeping us company,” Sy stood up from the wall and took a step towards Olivia. His voice dropped an octave as he spoke, “And I’ll kiss you like no other man has ever done.”

Olivia’s breath hitched as she looked at Sy’s mesmerizing eyes. She looked at his tantalizing lips, darting her tongue out to wet her own. She gulped as her throat went dry and the cold vanished from around her. It felt the longest moment in her life where she debated whether to just lean in and get the kiss Sy seemed to be offering.

But like a jolt of lightning and an unpleasant déjà vu, Olivia was reminded of something similar happening between her and her other captain. It had been a momentary lapse of reasoning which had led her to get involved with Alex and enter a complicated relationship with him.

As soon as the thought appeared in her mind, Olivia pushed herself off the wall and took a step back. She couldn’t let herself get sucked into another man’s life while she already had unresolved issues with another. She noticed Sy’s eyebrows knit together in confusion before she turned to look the other way. She closed her eyes, sighing and thinking of a clever way to dissolve the moment. Luckily for her, Syverson was a clever man and he must have picked up on the hint for he called Pats to accompany him to the south gate.

Olivia watched as the Captain walked away without addressing her or glancing her way. She was certain she had wounded the man’s ego in one way or another. She let out a slow breath, felt her shoulders slump as Sy’s figure disappeared behind the building.

Chapter Four>

✨Series Masterlist✨

Tagging: @wanderlustkitkat @michelehansel @stephartrave @yuhsophie @hennerslionhat @henrythickcavill @eldarwen333 @peakygroupie @klaine-92 @thelastsock @indigosaurus @oddsnendsfanfics @viking-raider @cavillliketravel @geralt-of-baevia @achaoticaugust @dancingwendigo @littlefreya @luclittlepond @mansaaay @agniavateira @inlovewithhisblueeyes @henryobsessed @henryfanfics101 @poucinette1333 @ohmygoodie @oolicity @wolvesandhoundshowltogether @asyverson @awhitewolfandhisvibraniumshield

#Captain syverson #Captain Syverson fanfic #captain syverson x ofc #Sand and Stars series #henry cavill #henry cavill fanfic

[betasuppe]

Okay this is the of War and Warlords anon!

1) Is Wu going to stay young in this fic?

2) Is the voice in Garm’s head just his own evil side? Or is it someone else (my theory was it’s the Overlord trying to ruin things as usual)

3) Is Koko getting memories from the Amulet of Being, or from a past life?

4) YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD WRITERJEKENENSBSBBSBDHSJ

WELCOME BACK!! :D Sorry in advanced for the long response, BUT HERE WE GOOOOO:

1. Ok, so I'm going more with Wu & Garm bring demi-gods sort of thing, so they both have long long loooooong ass life spans & they still both appear pretty young at this point. They'll age eventually [as maaaaybe a big part I was going to bring into play was Garm sacrificing his immortality for retaining his own humanity in the end!], but they probably look no older than their late 20's at this point.

2. Yeah lmao you blew his cover! But it's the Overlord! xP What I wanted to build on in the story is that when Garm was young, he explored beyond the boundaries of the world the FSM had created & the Overlord had been waiting for such an opportunity outside the void of creation, so he descended upon the poor boy without Garmadon ever knowing. For years, the Overlord acted like a guiding voice for Garm, starting sweet & helpful, before he slowly turned Garm toward violence & war, eventually just taking full control of him at some points... leading Garm far astray & remorseless corrupting the poor guy, seemingly beyond repair.

I was going to use it like a simile to depression & how I personally feel with my mental health struggles destroying my life at times... it's probably really obvious but it was a way for me to channel some frustrations, I suppose.

But, as the story progressed, I wanted to paint a very clear picture that Garm has oni blood, & despite most people thinking that's what makes him evil, it was the corruption of the Overlord that actually caused his dark actions. Garm on his own is a loud, goofy jerk, but the toxic, evil side to him was just the Overlord testing his powers over Garm after lingering in him for what? Some crazy amount of years!! & the Overlord was going to eventually attempt to trap Garm inside & take full control of Garm's life & body & everything, ruling all of Ninjago through the endless life of a powerful, immortal oni-demigod!!

... I realize I just wrote a lot to answer this one.... I hope this makes sense lol

3. & just as the Overlord is ruthlessly invading Garm's mind, the memories Koko saw from the past was from Yun, the FSM's true first child, who through the Amulet of Being, was basically trying to entering Koko's mind by offering her memories that would help Koko & Garm with the terrors to come.

Plus, I never got around to it, but it was eventually going to be revealed that Yun, her younger sister Lei Hui, & the FSM all gave their lives to protect against the dark forces in the world - COUGH COUGH the Overlord COUGH COUGH - & their souls were forged into the amulets that our evil Big Bad is chasing down... so Yun's spirit is currently trapped in the charm. Koko's nothing incredibly special [besides being a total butt kicking warrior!!] with a genuinely good soul, so by coming into contact with it, Yun felt safe to share life through her own point of view to Koko & that's what's going on with those windows to the past.

But Koko & Garm aren't related & the world is safe & we can enjoy the pairing without worrying about anything questionable 😅

4. AND OMG THANK YOU SO SO MUCHHHH!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Tbh I feel so clumsy when I try writing & I'm usually really afraid of asking for feedback when I'm writing or drawing anything so... I never hear anything either positive or negative in the end lol 😅, but omg omgggg you just lifted my spirit! I'm really glad you enjoyed my drabble so far!!! Thank you just so so much!!!!!!!!!!♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

& also, there's a lot of other stuff I still want to add in the story, including Wu betraying Garm & Koko... Garmadon being taking as a captive & Koko going ballistic hunting Wu & the other Big Bads down to rescue him.... & eventually even adding Garm & Koko expecting Lloyd to the mix. I swear to god I had a cohesive story set up, but when I realized it was going to be like 20 more chapters, I got totally overwhelmed & kinda psyched myself out of writing anymore x(

But that's at least what I have for you for now! If you have any more questions, seriously ask me whatever! I'm happy to at least explain more of the story if I'm never getting around to finishing the fic!!!!!

For anyone interested, the fic is Of War & Warlords & you can read it here but please don't hate me for it I'm not that good at writing I'm sorryyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

#nok talks #asks #of war & warlords

[danideservedbetter]

Alright so, here’s how things are gonna work.

First off, welcome to this side blog. Since it won’t be jolly fun fandom content and will be a little more personal I decided to separate my health and writing journey from my fandom stuff, although all my fandom content will still be linked on my main blog here.

(I write Izuocha/bnha content which isn’t super popular so if you’re not here for that then yeah, I don’t blame you. But if you are I have a link to our discord and community content pinned so def check it out if you’re interested.)

Secondly, you guys will hear details about stuff relating to my health like what kinds of things affect my disorder based on the tests some doctors are ordering, how I’m trying to improve my diet and activity, and routines and goals I’m attempting for myself. I am underweight, and that’s something I’m going to be talking a bit about, so if that’s triggering following this blog might not be the best thing for you. Details under the cut.

So, what kind of disorder do I have and why did I decide to make a health journey blog? My disorder is called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically what that means is that when my disorder is acting up (based on factors like stress especially or my generalized anxiety rearing its ugly head) I have the capacity to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. My longest recorded uninterrupted “sleep-attack” was 26 hours long and ever since I caught Covid in January, my body had been slowly growing weaker to the point I was starting to develop atrophy. I’ve had this ten years and my neurologist suspects inactive cells from mononucleosis I caught at 14 was the cause, because other IH patients have linked their sleeping problems to a case of mono or have had it at some point in their lives.

This disease stole many years and many things I’ve looked forward to from me. I lost friends and experiences and failed so many college classes I had to drop out.

I’ve decided I’m taking them back.

It’s not going to be easy. Just as it took ten years to convince myself that my tiredness was something I chose to give into, it took several extra years and many fights with my family to convince them that I had a real actual neurological disorder and that I need help sometimes. My parents and grandmother finally understand that I have to finish college and find a very special boss willing to work around my erratic progress on projects, but the outsiders they married are not as convinced. My grandmother’s husband kicked me out of their house because he wants to be the center of attention and doesn’t like that some days I’m so weak that I needed my grandmother’s help, and my father’s wife thinks I’m a lazy and ungrateful leech who “gets anxiety just being around” me. Both told my father I’ll never be happy so why even bother with me, but my dad is actually striving to understand his own recently-diagnosed PTSD so while we still butt heads he’s understanding that I have to take things day by day because every tiny circumstance affects my disorder.

Now, why did I decide to air all this out? Well, being open about my disorder and how it affects me has helped at least two people that I know of find out that the tiredness they experience isn’t the typical “American work force exhaustion” they were trained to believe is normal. So if I can help even one more, I’ll gladly talk about what this entails and how I deal with it day to day. Another reason is that I’m also one of those big advocates who believes talking candidly about mental health destigmatizes it and sharing ideas can help us grow as people and maybe make it a little easier to deal with.

So now that you know a little bit about me and my disorder, here are my big goals for the next three months provided my university takes pity on me and actually lets me go back.

First up: create routines to train my body to get used to living a full day fully awake. This includes waking up at the same time and going to sleep at the same time. It means getting dressed and going out and doing things, even little things— which I’ll get to in a sec.

Second: I write. I have a novel in limbo and I write fanfics. Writing is a big part of who I am and I’ve written one thing this year, which for a whole six-month stretch is upsetting and disappointing. Today is my reset. In the next 569 days I want to to finish the six stories I have in limbo (except the larger one) and finally reach my goal of posting 200k words in a single year. I wont be hard on myself if I can’t accomplish this because honestly finishing anything in the chaos of my life is going to be a miracle but. There ya go.

Third: go back to freakin college. I don’t care what it takes. Sit down with every official, every lawyer, and every professor it takes to get me back enrolled in classes in the fall.

Fourth: I have several smaller things I have to do, short term goals, stuff like that. I’m gonna create a to do list each day of small tasks I want to get done and while some of these things will be part of my daily routine I am throwing in like one or two things a day that just need to be done. My writing goal will change daily and I’ll keep y’all updated on that with every post I make.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dani! That’s so much!! Well, a few months ago I remembered hey!! I basically have a computer in my hand, why make it hard on myself. So I downloaded certain apps to help me out. This isn’t me saying “hey go subscribe to these apps because I said so” it’s just that through a lot of trial and error I’ve come to find that these certain apps work for me and I’ve yet to come across one that has the functionality of everything I need.

Tiimo — so this is an app I found developed by people with autism for people with autism to help them develop good habits and routines. It has preset daily schedules (things like morning routines or nightly routines or work routines) and an internal alarm to let you know when to move on to the next task. I myself have extremely low-level aspergers (to the point where my doctor won’t give me an official diagnosis because I didn’t want people think that *it’s* the reason I have issues with school), so moving from task to task can be difficult sometimes and I also deal with getting distracted. This widget also appears on my home screen so I know what I have to do at a glance. You can program in weekly and daily tasks to fully customize your schedule, which is fantastic for someone like me who wants to for example rotate chores. This is hopefully going to help me get my body in the habit of adjusting to routines and transitioning from one task to another, as well as getting important things done responsibly.

Promptly Journals — I’ve been told for a while that journaling is helpful mentally to kind of recenter yourself, so a bit ago I downloaded several journal apps to add to my morning routine. Now some will prefer more creatively free journals, but I prefer this one that gives me small prompts I can do in a short amount of time that just allows me to get my thoughts down. I can even add pictures at the bottom that go with the theme! I’m scared I’ll run out of prompts eventually lol but until then this app works very well for my needs.

Stretchingexercise — Now idk if it’s from lack of sleep from my disorder, the position I sleep in when I do sleep, all the physical labor I’ve had to do in the past couple weeks, my medicine, or w h a t but I suffer from body aches like no one would believe. I know stretching is supposed to help with that, so I downloaded this app to help me do non-demanding physical activity that wakes me up in the mornings and helps relieve pain so I don’t keep having to take pain relievers. This one has different plans for things like muscle tension, back pain, warm ups— and it also gives you rudimentary weight updates (I’m underweight lololol so we’re looking to fix that) or plan updates. It’s worked really well for me so far and gives you animations and descriptions of the workouts (some taken from yoga) as well as timed breaks and a narrated guide. It’s been pretty helpful in temporary relief and if nothing else gets my blood flowing in the mornings.

Widgetsmith Step counter — in addition to the stretching thing one thing my doctor and I discussed that helps with the sedentary lifestyle is simply walking. I’ve needed so bad to relieve my stamina and reverse the atrophy, and walks have been stellar for that. Now I live in the New Orleans area so humidity and heat force me to go at the crack of Dawn, but honestly my weenie dachshund Charlie really enjoys our time out so he goes with me! The CDC recommends 10,000 steps a day which seems like a lot and it is if you don’t get out much. But this gives me an excuse to get dressed and do the hygienic thing and help Charlie be healthy too, as well as give me time for brainstorming because we walk in a truly beautiful area. I’m sure everyone installed widgetsmith with the last iOS update (Apple users anyway) and while at first the step counter was just interesting I’ve since come to rely on it! We do our 5000 in the morning, which of course is half, and I find that other things I do throughout the day typically drive the counter higher. Anything leftover can easily be accomplished by an evening walk in our neighborhood. Now the caveat is that I have to remote have my phone in my pocket because I don’t own a watch or anything fancy lol, but honestly I need to keep it on me anyway so that serves as a good reminder.

Todoist — this one is my FAVORITE. Ever since I’ve decided that I have trouble keeping track of things I need to do and small stuff I need to keep in mind and appointments, etc, I decided to find a list app. This is the one I found that absolutely helps me for everything from my list of room supplies I need to buy, to my reading list, to general tasks I have coming up I need to complete. And its widget functionality keeps it right on my Home Screen! More organized individuals can just use tiimo, but I’m definitely not one of those individuals so this app is sorely needed and appreciated.

And of course, I know building habits the first few weeks is HARD. So for days my body doesn’t respond to my alarms, I have a checklist of the key things I have to do to keep my life as functional as possible.

So that’s that on that. I’m going to try to keep writing updates and my daily goals in a post in the morning, and reblog what I accomplished in the evening. It’s gonna be tough. But I’m thinking if I can start small I’ll be able to build my stamina enough to return to college and be successful when I do. I hope that anyone watching this journey draws some kind of meaning or inspiration from it. And you guys can even follow along if y’all want! Especially for writers or people trying to get healthier. I can’t promise what works for me will work for you (and honestly I expect things to change especially if I get accepted into college again) but hey, I figure it’s worth a shot.

I hope you guys enjoy watching this journey, if nothing else I hope it’s entertaining. And maybe it’ll be successful. I do know that I’m just gonna try for it, and hope it works out.

First daily update to follow

Xoxo

Dani

#idiopathic hypersomnia #health and wellness #writing challenge

[samshogwarts]

My review of 2020

Or: I say thank you.

First of all, sorry for the long post 😅. You guys know I don'tike long posts without a "read more under the line". But I nade the post with my mobile phone.... Aaaaaaaanyway. Also sorry for all the tags. I hope I don't annoyed someone with it <~<. So let's continue:

I think this year has been a particularly difficult year for everyone. As 2020 is drawing to a close, I mentally let the year pass again.

The bottom line is that I have to say that 2020 was turbulent for me, but not necessarily bad. Much good, but also bad, has happened. And I want to start with the bad things right away.

At the beginning of the year, my depression and eating disorder relapsed. I've always had trouble talking about it because I know my friends can't handle this issue. I felt pressured because they wanted to do things with me, but I couldn't. So I withdrew completely, hiding my emotions and wearing a mask.

At that time I created this blog. At first I didn't want to create my own content, just follow the content of @ladycibia, @hogwartsmystory and @kyril-hphm. Incidentally, that is also the reason why I call these 3 blogs the Big Three. So it's their fault that I'm here. Lol.

And then the first Hyops message came at the end of March. A very good friend of mine got Corvid-19 and lost the battle against the disease a few days later. I still remember how the news pulled the floor from under my feet. It feels like I completely lost faith in everything and I started to realize how dangerous this year could be. 

But life goes on and so I visited a friend and her family in early July. It was the anniversary of her husband's death, who was also a very good friend of mine. He died of cancer last year and I couldn't go to his funeral. So I wanted to stop by on the day he died. I actually thought I could do it. But when you read a friend's name on a tombstone for the first time.. Guys, that's a punch in the stomach like no other and I can't really describe how it feels. I had made up my mind not to cry in front of his wife or children because it was hard enough for them. Didn't work.

And of course this year meant to go one better.

Another friend of mine died of the virus in mid-August, leaving behind a wife and a child. Again, I was unable to attend the funeral. And to be honest, it still bothers me way more I want to admit. In two years I lost three wonderful people who meant a lot to me and I couldn't say goodbye to any of them. When I see the three of them again after my death, you can be sure I'll kick their butts for it.

But August was the worst month for me in many ways. In addition to the death of my buddy, my father's family also volunteered. And that means only one thing - trouble.  And properly. I haven't had contact with this family for over 12 years for good reason. Now one person from this family has passed away. And first of all, I don't really care if anyone of them would die. I don't even know the person who passed away. But I wasn't told either by my grandmother or my father. So my deadline to cancel the inheritance has expired. Of course it was debts. You have to know that the inheritance rights of my country are very complicated. The reason my father or grandmother didn't tell me about it was because they didn't want to bother with the paperwork. They always had the opportunity to contact me via Facebook or my half-sister. But that would mean work for them. And while I was walking from lawyer to lawyer to court to court, I was allowed to hear sayings from my grandmother that I apparently have achieved nothing in my life. Nice to know that some people never change. I'm still struggling with this matter to this day and will probably not be able to fully clarify this until the beginning of 2021.

At the end of October everything seemed to be taking its revenge and I passed out at a friend's house. Nobody knows exactly what happened until today, but my friend took me to the hospital where I had to stay one night. That was Halloween. And I'm such a big fan of hospitals hahahaha hahahaha. After that I was allowed to wear an ECG for 2 weeks and it turned out that my heart values ​​had deteriorated. Why not. Let's just take everything with us this year!

Rounding out the negatives this year was my (as a teenager) best friend's suicide. I have to say that I haven't had any contact with this person for 9 years. However, it is the one who cut herself in her youth and then called me afterwards because she didn't know what to do. It was also the one I tried to get into therapy for 2 years. But her mother was always against it. And it was exactly this mother who was standing in my mother's shop, telling her about her daughter's suicide and that I was probably in the farewell letter. I don't know exactly what it said, but the mother now blames me for her daughter's suicide. And do you know what's craziest about the whole thing? I agreed with her! I really thought it was my fault because I knew how sick my former friend was. Yet I was the one who ended the friendship (for many reasons that had nothing to do with her depression). And I still wonder what would have happened if I had acted differently.

But enough of the negative things! A lot of nice things happened this year too. Among other things, I have found a new job within my group, earn more money and have pleasant working hours. I've renovated my apartment and I've started saving money on a new one. My two nieces are now going to school and I am a proud aunt. My male best friend and his girlfriend (my best harry potter friend) are pregnant and are expecting their first child soon and my mother's health is better.

But one of the best things that happened to me this year is this blog.

I already mentioned that I actually only created this blog to stalk the Big Three. I didn't want my own content at all. But I discovered more and more blogs and these incredibly great MCs that I thought I wanted to do whole too. And so Samantha O'Connell was born.

I received so much great support and encouragement on this platform. I don't think many people even realize how much that means to me. Especially this year.

I have also found great and lovable people here, some of whom I also call my friends. Even if we come from other countries, speak other languages ​​and may never see each other in real life, you are my friends and I am grateful to know you.

@annabelle-tanaka-official : I'll start with you of course! XD on tumblr you are just my best friend. I don't write as much with anyone as I do with you. You are such an incredibly talented person and so warm hearted! Over the year we have invented so many insiders that soon nobody will know what we mean.  Be it the monster hug, or that my cats are your spies or our many RP scenarios, which I really enjoy and which always make me laugh. I thank you for that!! I love you so much and I am so glad that we are friends! *minster hug*

@lunasilvermorny / @lunasilvermore : you are next to you !!! XD the next person I write to almost every day. What started with a little conversation about among us has turned into a friendship. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to streaming with you next year (and this year)!!! You are such a good listener that strengthens me. Your support is so nice of you too! Just the fact that you have subscribed to my YouTube channel xD (because of the language I even have an idea). I'm looking forward to the next year with you! Thank you so much for dealing with my craziness and still likes me! 

@kyril-hphm : muahahahaha. You can't escape me !!! Yes, what should I say? One of my big three even made friends with me. One of my Senpais noticed me! And then it's a lovely fluffy marshmallow! I still think it's funny  that we have such similar circuits and hearts! Nevertheless you are an incredibly honest, loving and talented person. I've never told you before, but sometimes I stare (for 20 minutes +) at your drawings to improve my style (just not working so far). You are an honest person and I am happy every time we talk, or when you react to my content. I would like to say thank you for that too! You are great and you can trust yourself more.

@carewyncromwell : my Chinese fireball, my Disney princess. Yes, for me you exude the aura of a Disney princess and nothing can change my mind. So! You were one of the first friends I made here on tumblr and one of the first to write with me! I still remember how proud and nervous I was back then! Just when I was in the hospital on Halloween and couldn't sleep that night, you kept texting me and distracting me from my fear. That means a lot to me. You are such a creative and lovable person too. Ah, that's just amazing. Your comments or hashtags always make me grin or laugh. Thank you for all your support and help!

@catohphm : my fluffier Ravenclaw brother!!! Of course you can't be missing either. I also write with you almost every day and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and your support. I just love the energy between Samantha and Cato. And it's always fun to write RP with you!  Thank you for being such a lovely and kind person!

@mira-shard : MIRAAAAAAA! It's kind of funny how long we've basically walked next to each other without talking to each other. And now I don't want to miss you anymore! You are such a fun and happy person. Writing with you is just fun! I also love your cosplay photos. Someday I'll come to visit you, and then we'll do cosplay shootings together until the camera bleeds! I would also like to thank you for your support and your kindness. 

@sirfluffig : ha. I hope you didn't think you were escaping me! Where should I start with you? Maybe that you were one of the first to give me such lovely feedback on Samantha? Or this super funny stream and that you helped me to stream in English? Or just like that, when we talk about our MCs or pen and paper. It's definitely always fun. I want to thank you for that and I'm looking forward to playing together again soon (get Among us)

@nightrhea-hphm : * run into you in slowmotion * Night! My wonderful supportive Gremlin! I've grown very fond of them over the years. And your support and feedback are just amazing. I also love the friendship between Night and Samantha. I think it's very similar to ours, right? You are also such an incredibly creative and lovable person. You make you feel like it's ok to be who you are. Thank you!

Of course there are many, many more like @rosievixen, @wangxianforever000 , @mollydarling-hphm , @morningstarinwinter , @hogwarts9, @hphm-brooke , @raymondhope-writer , @nikyiscreepy , @immagrosscandy , @mizutoyama , @ariparri-hphm and many many more.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement, support and feedback. You are the reasons why I am adding more and more details to this blog, why I dared to start with the fan comic and many more. 

It's still so amazing for me to meet so many talented, creative, kind and funny people. 

This year showed me again that life isn't just black or white. Life is Grey. Good things and bad things happen. Sometimes one side more than the other side. But as long we are taking the next step, life wl continues. Just keep in mind, as like you support me, I want to support you. So if you ever wanna talk, no matter what, remember you guys can always contact me. 

I'm really looking forward to next year and already have so many plans. I can not wait any longer. Enjoy the last days of the year, stay safe and most important: they the way you are guys! 

Love you all so much. 

#My end of the year thank you #Personal #Ooc #My year 2020 #God my heart beating so fast #Don't know why but these post makes me nervous #Very personal #Cry counter while writing this: 4 #Yeah so adult xD #Like I care #Hope you all enjoyed the Christmas holidays #Love you all #Such a great community #Never saw this before #💙❤️💚💛

[blankdblank]

Brother Dearest Pt 54

English Composition, Trigonometry, Calculus, Astronomy, Sociology and Rhetoric filled your Tuesday roster of classes ended with you in your mother’s old chair lounging while you drafted up more of the first papers due soon then slept to follow the list of classes for your Wednesday line up complete with a stop in your Photography club. Soon enough a week had gone by and Saturday morning you sat up in wait for your appointment with Herc later today.

Since after Mass the prior Wednesday evening in a stare at the tv set across a legal pad sat diagrams for a new set that even had the guys in their continued paths through between offers of snacks and daily pears admiring the puzzling designs. Several parts and pieces you couldn’t even find in the books available to the public that had Elliot on his latest trip to your place in an amazed look over the pages he flipped through to your anxious stare. “This is impressive, and you dreamed all of this up?”

You nodded in his glance up, “We watched the night broadcast on the storm front last week and then when I woke up those were in my head.”

His grin spread, “Well this is a very good sign. Makes the sets available to the public infantile by comparison. Have you considered manipulation of materials yet?”

“I made a screw, like thing,” you said in lifting the half metal and glass like corkscrew shaped item you were a bit timid to show him, “But it doesn’t feel like any metal or glass I’ve felt before.”

Slid forward he claimed hold of the item and smiled at it in awe turning it this way and that, “Very impressive. Manipulation is quite impossible to master, only five of our brothers were able to even attempt it and only Erich was able to master it, part of why I imagine you chose him for your Second and guardian of your essence. Is this all you have created?”

“Outside of babies, ya,” that had him chuckle to himself, “Had to sleep nearly half a day after that.”

“Yes, it can be quite draining from what I hear. Chaos magic has a weight to it. This, much like a tube for the tv set you have over there is used to harness the image. However this is much more powerful and by this design you can harness solar power to load up the wave converter box, which I can imagine for you will be the most enjoyable to make.”

“Is it all going to have to be made by manipulation? Or can we find parts here on this planet?”

“The casing and some of the more simplistic materials, screws and brackets and of course the wooden box casing could be certainly. While the aspects that power and shift and project the image onto the screen must be from materials either you manipulate or we can bribe to be smuggled off of Asgard.”

“I can imagine Odin will be pleased to have us bribing his gate keeper to build myself a television set.”

Again he chuckled and replied, “Heimdall will not require bribes.”

“Not that we have his currency anyways.”

“You are learning,” he replied, “This time of growth will aid greatly in your remembrance.”

“Ah, yes, my awakening.”

“Not exactly, have to spark the memory first, then you can pave the way to awakening. The journals are helping to show you through time and spark your imagination and memory.”

“So, maybe five television sets then I can wake up?”

Again he chuckled, “Perhaps we can expand your horizons for topics of projects to keep your mind exercised.” The doorbell rang and he smiled stating, “That must be Herc.”

“Ooh, I’ll get the tea,” you said to the whine of the kettle that had him help you up to fetch it to pour for him to Eddie’s fetch of the door to let him in to join Ambrose in the living room for the weekly check up for the both of you. Back again mentally pushing the rolling cart you returned with Teddy on your hip after having helped him fix up some sliced fruit and cheese to go with your bowls of pickled beets and baby carrots.

Victor chuckled crossing your path accepting hold of Teddy, “Come on Teddy, let’s get back to your spot and watch aunt Bunny get her check up.”

Gladly to the excited wiggle of his sister on a padded quilt on the floor still goading her body in rocks back and forth on all fours on her way to the early stages of crawling beside Leanora on her back more concerned with the toy pinned between her feet that learning to move on her own at the moment Teddy sat on Victor’s lap on the chair closest to Leanora. James already in the living room fixed up your pillows again and moved the notes and part you had made aside to help serve out the tea and snacks so he could nestle you back into your seat.

Dawn from the other room asked, “Has anyone seen my coin purse?”

Eddie upon his return said with a grin, “You left it in the kitchen by your purse.” That had her let out a puff of air and smooth a hand over her clammy forehead, “You don’t need it you need to be in bed.”

Dawn replied, “I need something to do.”

Eddie, “You’ve already given your flu to Norma now you get your butt back in bed and I will bring you some soup.”

Dawn said, “I did not give-,”

Eddie sighed and turned to scoop her up in his arms and carry her back to bed, “Honestly Sweetheart you can be so stubborn sometimes. Now get back in bed and stay there the stew and rice will be finished in a little bit. Don’t make me lock the door.”

Her grumble was heard on the staircase and you chuckled to yourself and said to Herc, “Sorry, Dawn’s got the flu, been hard to hold down. We don’t catch it but it has made Norma miserable.”

Herc chuckled and said, “Not a problem, and if you like we could give you some ground herbs to aid in their recovery from our people easy to mix in with tea or coffee to build up their immune systems. We often give it to our mortal allies through our lifetimes here. To lessen what suffering we can.”

Victor asked, “Will it make them get better quickly?”

Elliot, “Oh yes, by tomorrow at the earliest, two days depending on how early in the progression we have caught it.”

Ambrose sighed, “Well that will be used often as my boys keep passing their colds and flu’s around.”

Herc smirked and said, “I can offer monthly supplies of herbal vitamins for them if that will improve their odds of staving off this pesky cold your planet has invented.”

“Are you telling me the common cold is native to our planet?” you asked with a smirk.

Elliot, “Oh yes, and quite debilitating to a fair bit of races. While the mortals have built up a way to trudge through it, quite impressive. Most planets eradicate bacteria all together while the intestines and stomach are just a few of the locations of the human body that create habitats for strains that help to keep their bodies healthy to stave off worse strains from the world around us. Ingenious, bit mad, but ingenious.”

James, “And Jaqi won’t get sick at all?”

Herc shook his head, “There are few substances strong enough to debilitate her healing abilities and all of those are for purposes of our race.”

Victor, “What purpose could that be?”

Herc, “Labor, for one. Not in the sense she wouldn’t heal but to grant pain relief. Though it is a heavy sedative, the other two are more hallucinogenic to lower consciousness of pain to keep you awake but, mellow.”

“Like laughing gas?”

Herc, “Yes, but stronger. Most likely for labor we will give you the latter for the birth and the former for recovery to allow you rest.”

“How’d you manage to discover those medicines? Even morphine couldn’t last longer than a few seconds in my bloodstream in the war.”

Herc paused a moment then said, “Well, you gave them to us, taught us to grow them and how to harvest and mix them with the first of us. You will remember. Time has written about your studies of medicine for our race.” You nodded then he said after accepting his tea, “For now, any discomfort?”

“Not particularly, though I did get a rather rude kick to my bladder last night and nearly made a puddle on the way to the toilet.”

Ambrose chuckled knowing the bladder wars well along with Herc who set down his cup and moved to take hold of one of your feet to begin the exam there. “I wish I could aid in that, however, toes to head so you can snack and calm your girls a bit.”

A little bit beyond the basic feels of your belly and back a few feels around your ribs came before the final neck to jaw checks that had his grin spread in saying, “Perfect health. How are your skin allergies holding up?”

“Still get a few red patches from perfumes from some of the ladies at school. But lotion at home tends to fix that.”

Herc, “Honey based?”

You nodded, “Dawn’s family makes it.”

Herc, “Very good, honey is very soothing for our expecting mothers. Even some in your tea or some honey based lozenges could help while you are at school if it grows too bothersome.”

“Not to bad, just mainly in my Lit class, there’s a whole group that seem to just exhale lavender. Close to when I go home.”

Elliot, “I could possibly persuade a few young ladies to avoid the scent.”

You smirked his way, “We don’t need to go to that extreme. Can’t blank out the whole plant from the planet.”

Elliot chuckled to Eddie’s saying from his spot with Teddy now on his lap to share the snacks, “Oh I bet they could if they tried.”

Herc, “Quite a common ailment for all our brothers on this planet. Though a few centuries of exposure has built up a minor tolerance to the plant. Yet, honey has aided in our tolerance. When our brothers arrive a great many colonies of bees will be bred to aid in the exposure ailments of those who have little tolerance from no prior experience on this planet.”

Victor said, “Jimmy used to get the worst of spring every time it came around until we managed to coax him to eat honey on his rolls. Local pollen from the hives nearby helps.”

Herc grinned and said in the production of his stethoscope for the lung and heart check before the girdle scanner, “If you change your mind let us know.”

“Hard to imagine,” you said to his switch from a listen of one lung to the next, “Tear planes out of the sky but a tiny flower can take me out.”

Herc chuckled to Eddie’s saying, “Everyone has a weakness. All the best heroes do.”

You nodded and asked, “Do you think I’d be more likely for a natural birth?” His eyes snapped to yours and Eddie’s lips parted to James’ hand smoothing across your back showing you’d had this worrisome conversation before. “By my progress so far, do you think?”

Herc gave you a kind grin and answered, “Caesareans as the mortals call them are quite common amongst our people. I could give you an answer now and most likely be proven wrong for how the labor develops. Though I assure you were we have to handle the labor apart from the natural breathe and push method you are in the safest hands, especially should Eric and Sarah be present. I will warn you either way you will require a break of rest. Which you are greatly due for.”

Ambrose asked, “From it being triplets?”

Herc nodded, “Mainly yes, however there is a drastic recovery for our birthing mothers.”

“How drastic?” James asked.

Elliot said, “Where mortal mothers gradually lose the birth weight within an hour roughly Jaqi should be back to her former size. The shock can be rather upsetting to mothers especially in their first birth. My wife barely spoke at all to me for three days afterwards.”

Herc said, “The response varies, however merely prepare to be at rest for a time afterwards, that mentality of an upcoming rest can be calming for some mothers, especially with multiples. And much like when you have lost a limb before while there is rapid regrowth should we operate we will ensure your daughters are all within sight while the change occurs. We have learned that lesson of distance being discouraged for a steadying moment after birth by a few very upset mothers.”

Victor, “The drugs, made them think they imagined the pregnancy?”

Herc nodded, “Something like that.” Earning a round of calming nods to the problems your birth might entail. “However, I am certain with all of us around the trio can be cared for along with Mother while she recovers her strength.”

Ambrose asked, “Did you want us to come out or do you think you would want the quiet away from the kids?”

“I don’t really know how I will handle the long drive back again to Canada, I’d hate to put you through that ordeal with your owl girl you have a system worked out and I know you like your space after. You shouldn’t have to fawn over me, I’ve got the guys for that.”

Making them smirk your way and her nod and say, “You do have a point. At the very least we can visit with Father Thomas for a joint christening for our girls.” She looked to Herc asking, “Is there a better way to get her to Canada if she can’t handle the long drive?”

Herc nodded, “Absolutely. We can use our mist gateways to travel through which is quite safe for expecting mothers. Quick and painless we can cut the travel time, middle of the night you get to a bridge and we can drop you on the long tree lined road just outside of your town up there.”

Victor, “Be a good change, especially since we haven’t picked a car yet for when the girls are here, truck won’t be big enough for all of you soon.”

Ambrose smirked saying, “Oh don’t you worry on the car, our family is picking something top of the line like we did for when Teddy was born.” You sighed and she smiled at you with a pat of her hand on yours widening the mens’ smiles around you, “You need something safer than a truck for your girls to travel in, just finishing up the paint job last I heard.” You sighed and she said, “Cars are a given from us.”

Belly scans to supper and the first dose of medicine was given to the ailing mothers who would indeed feel better the following day and both sit excitedly with you through the first bout of crawling that Marigold took with some goading from her big brother fully recorded on film by both you and Victor.

.

20 weeks along and in your third week of classes the first of your private study time in the library found you at a comfortable table in a corner near to the section of books you had scanned for any titles that you had yet to read. On the other side of the section you could clearly hear a group of pre-law students who were locked in a sort of prep debate that seemed to be a losing battle. The argument however had you turn your head and sigh softly in a scoot of your chair back to ease up to your feet and halfway across the room you stopped at the directory. With ease from the drawers you pulled out simple flicks of fingers brought out the first card that onto the pad of paper atop the wooden directory you used the pen there to copy the details of the book then put the card back to pull out another drawer and find a second card to copy that as well. Smoothly you strolled back to your section and then passed it to approach the table of bickering students who relented to irritated huffs and looked up at you with curiously raised brows.

Onto the table you set the sheet as they all had their hands full of notes and books they were drawing arguments from. “This will help. First one talks about the contract clauses you were referring to. The numbers underneath is the page then paragraph. And if whoever you are bickering against brings up Malone vs Tumnson that verdict was overturned 15 years ago with an undertone of profiteering by extortion. It’s noted in the second book.” On your feet you turned while the closest student lifted the sheet, “happy arguing,” you said and went back to your seat. Into which once you settled back again while they had looked over the now torn sheet two of them were off to fetch the books they returned with the books they each read over aloud then paused. A silence that had the hair on the back of your neck shift to the known feeling of the table looking in your direction.

All at once on their feet around the table they all walked around the shelves to your table where they saw you look up from the book in your hands. “How did you know about these?”

“I’ve read every law book in the New York City Public Library.”

Another asked, “Every book?”

You nodded, “I didn’t have many friends aside from the Brocks who adopted me.”

One of them nodded and after a moment of pursed lips asked for your opinion on what book could help him on his own prompt that led you to write him a note on a spare sheet of paper you handed him stirring up a round of questions to get more help from your wealth of knowledge. Then each darted off to get back to sleuthing for what else they would need.

Left to your notes again you read through and returned each of your chosen books ignoring the newspaper in your bag that bore headlines that Princess Elizabeth was pregnant and dared to stir up comments that you were jealous of that status. Two more trips to fetch book finished off your free period and then off you went to your next class once each book was returned to its proper home.

Notes copied in their next class for the missed lab were handed over by your lab partners to you in passing. Though it really didn’t matter as the next Chemistry class again in the library where on your way to the same table you spotted General Eisenhower alongside a larger group of pre-law students, each of whom you looked over wondering what they were up to aside from possibly asking for help with their study group references. “Hello General.”

With his grin he replied, “Hello Corporal. I overheard from a few of our Law Professors how you helped some of their students with their case arguments for the lead up debates to the mock court sessions beginning next week.”

“I did,” you replied.

The General said in a notice of the approaching Law Professors who head the mock court sessions, “Well then we have an offer for you to fill up your private studies schedule. Normally amongst our pool of pre-law students we divide them into groups for four cases, Defense and Prosecution and for our best student we grant the position of Judge with the remainder chosen as the jury pool. Although it would seem this year like the last we are in need of a neutral party as the former class was unable to avoid being swayed to side with their friends no matter how convincing the arguments of the opposing party. Would you be willing to assist us? You would be fully credited for the role.”

“I suppose, how often are the cases?” You said in a combination of curiosity and a loss for how to refuse.

His grin eased out wider, “Same dates as your free classes. We will keep the schedules to that time parameter and the cases will not last a full month each, we will be ensuring neither side stalls for time. To ensure the defense is granted a speedy trial as per their rights. Two cases the first month and two more the next. They will be fully followed by the journalism students and Columbia’s Paper. Since you are not versed in courtroom etiquette I will be sitting next to you as a sort of voice of experience if you do get stumped on anything as I am somewhat versed as a Judge and have seen a fair share of Court Martial cases in my time.” A book on etiquette was handed to you and he continued, “The week before your first two cases you will be given your supply of evidence and the file pertaining to the cases. All of which has been drafted by the visiting Lawyers who will be observing the court proceedings to aid our students in their paths onwards in their studies for their degrees.”

“Okay. Happy to help.”

“I hoped you’d say that.” One of the Law Professors stated.

.

“Hey handsome,” you giggled in James’ place at the bench halfway to the stairs from the car who wrapped you in a warm excited hug.

“Hello my Darling,” he locked eyes with Elliot in his own grin for your meeting, “Meetings and teacher politics not getting to you yet?” He asked in the blind acceptance of your armful of books, one book heavier that had him glance down at the book on courtroom etiquette then back up to the Professor again when he spoke.

“Not too terrible yet. Though there are whispers that prep for the Easter topics are to begin to be ready in time, as if they won’t just do the same as they’ve always done.” His smirk spread to James’ excited smile your way, “You seem to be holding in some news.”

James chuckled at your curious smirk up at him and replied, “Jaqi got a set of trunks from Spain, and a thick letter as well.”

“I don’t know anyone in Spain, do any of our people live in Spain?” You asked Elliot who shook his head.

“No. There is one just past Uraguay, but last I heard from his letters he said he was off to the Brazilian rainforests on an expedition of some traces of one of your lifetimes.”

You nodded and asked, “Well are you free and up for an adventure?”

That widened his smile and James’, “Thank you I would adore a chance to explore with you. And I speak and read various forms of Spanish if you require translations.”

“There’s more than one? Like French French and French Canadian?”

“Oh yes, not to mention Creole, which in Louisiana is a variation of French as well to an extent.”

Before you could ask in your turn James said, “We can’t go to Louisiana, me and Vic are still wanted there.” Your brow inched up and he flashed you a grin, “We um, blew up some buildings in the Civil War to track down a relative of a friend serving with us. I know they’re dead, but, some places still have our wanted posters on display.”

“I don’t,” you said in a shake of your head and he cut you off.

“Four of them were banks, you remember that guy who you asked if he was following us down in Texas?” You nodded, “He tried to corner me and Vic on your school tour trip. We hit a lot of banks, he wanted to ask where the money went. Had to make a few calls to make him leave.”

“If you just blew them up why would he think you had,” your lips parted to his smile that flinched wider a moment anxiously, and you asked softer, “You robbed banks too?”

“Hit a rough patch, after Xander.” He inhaled sharply then said, “But we didn’t keep it, drank it away, bought out some slave auctions to smuggle up North, but don’t worry, don’t have a cent of it now so it can’t hurt us.”

You pointed at him a moment then shook your head and curled the finger back and turned to the car, “Just when I was getting used to you’re being hired as a grave robber.”

He looked to Elliot and said, “We worked with Archeologists on digs.”

Elliot nodded mid chuckle, “Yes, I’ve seen you two in a few pictures, I’ve been collecting them. To go in our records.” James stepped back and opened the car door for you and Elliot said, “I’ll get my car and be right behind you.”

James nodded and looked to you in your ease down into the car he closed and hurried around to climb inside and fire up again with a timid grin. “Are you mad?”

You glanced at him and shook your head with a grin, “Just, bit of an odd day to hear you robbed banks.”

He shifted on the seat to ask, “Odd how?”

“Well the General found me in the library,” that had him nod, “And he asked if I would sit as Judge for the law students’ mock trials. Apparently there’s four trials and the top students are attorneys, the rest are witnesses, defendants and jurors. There will be a retired cop group for the bailiff and guards and actual attorneys sitting to judge the whole thing.”

“Why you? I love you, but why you? Clearly you aren’t in their classes.”

“Well I helped some guys the other day with their arguments and they told their Professors I’ve read all the law books in the Public Library and the General heard and he’s seen some Court Martials so he’s acting as my sort of buffer if I need help with something and gave me a book to read on how to act and procedure and all that.”

He nodded and said, “Well I’m sure you’ll be fantastic. Are you excited?”

“Um, I don’t know. They’ve scheduled the court sessions on my new study breaks and even the journalism students will be there to write all about it.” He nodded and turned to get you home at the mild shiver you fought back to get you home to the warm house to open your mystery trunks. “Apparently past few years they couldn’t get the top student to not side towards his friends or against those he doesn’t like so they wanted a neutral party I think they asked the General first and I was a convenient person to hand it over to.”

“Well if you change your mind just let them know.”

You nodded and asked, “Did you ever knock over any stage coaches or rob any trains or any other big heists I should know about?”

“Best you don’t know,” he hummed in a grin your way to your playfully challenging smirk, “Plausible deniability.”

.

“Ok,” you said in a content sigh settled into your mother’s chair, “I’m sitting down.” You said accepting he letter that Victor handed to you after having insisted that you sit first after the long day at school while his other hand lifted your legs for the footrest James brought over for you. “Hmm,” you said eyeing the front of the letter that was styled familiarly to how King George’s letters usually came.

Turning it over you eyed the wax seal there that had Elliot say, “That’s the seal of the Monarch of Spain.”

Once broken and lifted the flap was peers under and gently you pulled the folded pages out that you unfolded to read the top page after a clearing of your throat to the excited crowd of family around you.

“Baroness Jaqiearae Pear Howlett, we have not been formerly introduced. And I do hope you will not take this as forward of me however there is a new discovery of mine that I have wished to share with you since the first time I had seen your image in the photographs of the first meeting of you and His Highness King George VI. For a great many years I lived in Italy to focus upon my education prior to my having succeeded the Crown of Spain, and whilst there there is one figure that ages back to the very beginnings of my country.

The Queen of the Hare, for many nations all through Central and Southern America this figure exists and often in several places recorded at one time. Proof enough for some to have labeled her as a myth others used the name of to amass great fortunes and power amongst those they live in the same territories. All of them named Jaqiearae and described exactly the same as my Ambassador had described you upon his meeting you at the wedding of Princess Elizabeth of England with an affection for rabbits in one form or another.

The greatest in power, unlike the others, of which being the tales from my homeland of Spain. Said to have once been able to in a lift of her hand force an entire fleet of soldiers to strip them of their armor and weapons and in a cloud likened to a colorful starry sky fog they were off the shores and back on their ships that began to sail away from the shore. Eventually our King of old wished to have that devotion from those who in his ear whispered of plots to possibly overthrow him and put her in his place ordered her to be executed only to find her home empty upon arrival save for a symbol etched into the door.

Similar actions to those from central and Southern America from my studies and continuing even on further several kingdoms throughout Europe have similar tales with the same symbol and unreadable runes. All of which end in the same mysterious flight from all rumored to be directed towards Ireland, from where your family hails, to join the Pagans and to our people’s belief to spurn the advances of the British to claim their lands as long as possible.

Concerning the trunks, I have included a detailed list of how the documents inside are arranged. Including several letters in communications between various Kings and Queens with various Popes and religious figures to aid in overthrowing the assumed Witch ensnaring their people’s minds. While for others had been deemed a benevolent Goddess healing those brought to her with mystical powers unrivaled and unexplainable to even be able to bring those back from the very brink of death itself. All of which are amongst copies of documents both translated and not along with photographs of sketches and portraits of the varied women using the name. This is all I have acquired in my years of study into this myth that have been aided by copies from other countries to aid in possibly filling in some family history for you since I have been informed you were orphaned young and might have lost a great chunk of that lineage to have been shared with you as you grew.

My people were very disheartened to have heard of the stories being published concerning your health and know that you have been in our prayers wishing that those stories are false and you will be granted a great many children whenever God deems you and the Baron ready to welcome them. As always you will have a fond place within our hearts as the hopeful descendant of our cherished Queen of the Hare and know that when ready we will welcome you with open arms in a tour of Spain including the castle which your ancestor built herself.”

A moment you paused to giggle then say, “And it goes without saying none here will hold you responsible for any of the supposed crimes committed by the magnanimous Queen no matter how uncanny the resemblance or similarly brilliant mind capable of the same miraculous ability to protect those they cherish.” Making the others chuckle before you said, “Signed, Juan Carlos the first, Monarch of Spain.”

James teased, “So we’re not the only criminals of the family.”

That made you smirk back and then roll your eyes to Eddie’s saying, “Anything but a life of crime would never suit us misfits.”

“Just goes to prove I am not the voice of reason some people assume in our bunch.”

Victor chuckled and asked, “Which case first?”

You glanced over the second page and said, “The one from, Japan is in the hat box shaped one.”

Victor hummed amusedly, “You were in Japan? Wonder when.” He lifted the box and peered inside saying, “All in Japanese. We can translate those later for you.”

“Um, Czechoslovakia, Sweden and Norway are in the briefcase one underneath that. Egypt, Italy, Greece, and Ireland are in the smaller chest, with the copies of what he’s gathered from England’s records as well. Just leaving the large trunk for South America.”

Elliot nodded and said, “Well I can get started on the large trunk, browse through what he has gathered.”

You nodded and said, “I guess I’ll check out the briefcase one, since it’s the smallest collection.” James and Victor brought it over and from the top down you began to read the top page of the first paper folder bound with twine on the stack of more bound stacks that filled the box and named the order the history was complied.

Elliot however drew your gaze by his saying, “These are Royal Record copies. Not available to the non-noble born historians. No telling what’s in these.” More amused by the secrecy of it all while you smirked and unwound the folder that while he began to use his own golden pen and a legal pad from a stack of spares to translate the first document while you turned through the stack of papers you would need to translate later from translation guides the guys would pick up for you off the list they were making and stopped to each photograph of various photographs and diagrams and sketches throughout. By the fifth folder you had to take a break and move to have the dinner that had finished cooking where you said, “It could take us years to go through all this.”

Elliot said, “I could call the twins to stay with me.”

Dawn asked, “The twins?”

Elliot glanced between you and said, “Oh, yes, they live out in Maine, mostly hermits but they have a good deal of money to live off of from several sound investments over the years. While we work they could translate the documents.”

“Wouldn’t that be bordering on abuse of power? To have them translate everything for us?”

That had him chuckle and say, “The pair of them together aided in the formation of the Oxford Dictionaries and translation guides to several languages both dead and still kicking. They compile all of our discoveries into the directory vaults we have. Trust me, they are starving for information like this and much like the scans for your children the information will be compiled in holograms as well within our system for easy travel between locations and events. Even be able to show you pinpoints on maps for events to show where you were focused and then perhaps when they are done we might know why you chose now to come back and be solid again. We’ve already deduced James and Victor had to be in Canada before that big meteor shower that one of your former selves hinted at within our runes back on Asgard.”

Norma said, “That Hubble guy, he discovered the universe in 1925. We learned about it in school.”

Elliot drew in a breath, “Yes, how could I forget that.”

Eddie, “So, this planet finds out that it’s one universe of many and you decide now’s the time. It fits. Us being aliens and all.”

Dawn asked, “Is it that big of a deal to know why now?”

Elliot shook his head, “Not particularly to us, though others will question it eventually. Now we can say Jaqi chose the year this planet essentially realized they were not alone and came to help them grow.”

Victor, “Much better than the alternative that you came to fight in the war.”

You asked, “Could that be why that Ares guy came to start the First World War?”

Elliot nodded, “It is plausible. Discovery of other planets and technology of their own means helped to dismantle their power scope over the mortals. While the country is at war mainly brute strength is focused on, not intellectual growth.”

Norma said, “Either way I can’t wait to hear what you have been up to on this planet. Be a nice change to not hear another endless cycle of history written about the men of this planet.”

That had you giggle and say, “Well if I’ve had numerous Popes contacted to have me exorcised no telling what hell I gave those Kings and their soldiers.”

Pt 55

All –

@sherala007​, @mariannetora​​, @jesgisborne​, @knitastically​, @catthefearless​​, @theincaprincess​, ggbbhehe4455, @lilith15000​​, @alishlieb​

X Marvel-Cast - @himoverflowers​, @theincaprincess, @changlingkhat​

Brother Dearest - @thorinanddwalinsdwarrowdam​​, @swoopswishsward​

#James Howlett x OC #Victor Creed x Norma Jeane #Eddie Brock x OC #Venom #Elliot Randolph #Classes #Surprise Gifts from Spain #History of Mystery #Queen of the Hare #Marvel #XMen #Proposition #Mock Jury Judge #General Eisenhower #Baby Check #OC Herc

[miss-eucatastrophe]

Pairing: Levi x Erwin x Mike x Thick!Reader/PlusSize!Reader

Summary: When you purchased your first home you’d anticipated it being a turning point in your life. You just didn’t anticipate that turn to give you whiplash. 

A new home throws you into a new lifestyle you would have never thought you’d find yourself in-- with three men you’d never expected to be with. 

Rated: Explicit [18+]

Main Tags: Polyamory/Polyamorous relationship, BDSM, Attack on Titain Modern AU, Slow Burn

A/N: Hey all, Just some things about the reader in this fic before you get invested:

I keep the reader ambiguous in appearance and use [y/n]. Use of [y/n] becomes minimal in favor of pet names as the story progresses. 

One thing that is not ambiguous is that the reader is thick, you could also say plus sized though because that’s different in every country I favor the word thick. I also think its kind of a sexier adjective. 

Reader has self consciousness issues and anxiety, both are being treated/have been treated through therapy. I keep it ambiguous as to whether or not the reader is still in therapy-- regardless the reader is insinuated to be far along and doing well in her treatment. Shout out to my peeps who are/have been in therapy, your mental health is important and you’re doing great no matter where you are in it. 

Reader is in her mid to late 20′s because realistically purchasing a home before that is near impossible. Hell even in our 20′s its hard. I also wanted to give a little love to my thick girls in their later 20′s because we out here. 

A lot of AOT reader inserts, if not completely ambiguous, often emphasize a super fit form. Which makes sense in the typical setting when the reader is in the AOT world and maybe a soldier-- but I wanted to give some love to our fuller body types. Maybe I just got tired of reading “...reader’s flat/muscular stomach...” and going-- ooh can’t relate! Haaa. 

That being said, you can read this no matter what your body type because everyone’s perception of self is different-- I just wanted to give the heads up because the reader does struggle a bit with her sense of self in the story because of her body type as her self confidence continues to develop. 

BDSM dynamics ultimately take place in this fic. Some are good BDSM practices/etiquette, some are not good. Professionals know the difference and this is not your guide to polyamory or BDSM. The poor etiquette will be rather obvious but if you’re interested in pursuing BDSM in your real life, please don’t use this work of fiction as gospel. Do your research and practice safely! 

My fictional stories are for ADULTS. Do not read them if you are under the age of 18. 

With all that out of the way, Please enjoy~ 

Chapter 1:

“I got this,” A panted breath.

“I got this,” A strained grunt.

“Nope I lied.” A loud thunk of a heavy box hitting green grass.

“Told ‘ya so.” The brunette breathlessly quipped from her position beside another box, her arms haphazardly flung over its surface. “Can we please take a break now?”

Admitting defeat, you fell in a heap on the lawn and nodded your head, but not before running your forearm across your sweaty brow. “Okay, yeah,” your reply was just as breathless although your friend had given up long before you. “Like five minutes.”

The other female placed her chin on the box, framing her head between her outstretched arms. “Okay, yeah, like fifteen minutes.” She echoed in a tired din, attempting to get you to thoughtlessly agree to her editing of the time.

Though tired with your legs and arms throbbing under the surface of your skin, you shook your head. “No Sasha,” you said firmly. Though it sounded like you were trying to convince yourself over her. “If we take longer than five minutes, we’re gonna quit and we’re almost done!” You gestured with an open palm to the admittedly small moving van parked in the street in front of you. You’d made good headway with it. It was amazing how much stuff you could fit in such a small van.

It was amazing how little space said stuff could take up in such a big home.

Well, big might be a little generous. It was by no means a mansion, certainly not as big as some of the other models on the same street, but it was bigger than your previous living conditions.

More importantly it was yours.

Yours.

You smiled, looking up at the bright sky above you, dotted with a few fluffy clouds.

Your first home.

Your heart sped up when you reminded yourself. You had doubts that it would ever happen. Saving enough money to put a down payment on a home without loans or handouts was no easy feat. But you did it, and that hard work had paid off in achieving your goal. Your down payment was enough to make the house payments bearable; though for the first few months you could see that a majority of your income would go back into the home either in the form of said payments, filling the home with furniture, or renovating some of the areas that needed love.

Like the front yard.

The front yard needed some love.

Not the lawn. The lawn was good. The lawn was providing you and Sasha with a much-needed reprieve. Yes, the lawn could stay.

You loved lawn.

Lawn loved you.

Until your arms started to itch. A less than intimidating growl left your lips as you quickly sat up, your nails digging into your skin as you scratched at it for some relief before flailing your arms about to try and save them from the irritation—as if you could shake it off your flesh.  

“Back to work.” You chirped, making Sasha groan.

“Remind me what I’m getting out of this again?” She mumbled, her face planting itself back to the box to muffle her protests.

Kicking yourself up to standing, you looked over your shoulder with a playful smile, “I’m feeding you.” You reminded her.

After a long pause, perhaps letting your words sink in, Sasha released a huff, lifting her face and flexing her small arms in her baggy t-shirt. “Second wind!” she shrieked by way of a battle cry, her hands clenching the cube between her legs in a vice grip as she moved to a squat, yanking the box off of the pristine lawn.

Who would take such good care of a lawn but ignore the rest of the yard? The previous owner apparently. Then again, it made a bit of sense. It was easy to turn on a sprinkler system to keep a lawn looking fresh whereas the things you wanted to add would take work. Like flowers. You loved flowers. Though you’d struggle on and off with a potentially green thumb, unlike your mother who could make anything grow. Planting flowers was a must. You would work your way to the backyard. But the front yard was like a first impression and you wanted it to be pretty for when friends came over as well as for the strangers that passed by. You wanted people to say, “Oh what a cute house. Whoever bought it really spruced up the place. It looks much better. Oh, it so does, blah blah blah.” Should you care what other people said? No. But you were human. Besides, your mother always kept an immaculate home, you wanted to emulate her in the maintenance of your own home.

As always you were getting too ahead of yourself. You were thinking twelve steps beyond where you were. That could be dangerous. Such thoughts could stimulate anxiety. Something you were unfortunately prone to. You took a deep breath, stealing your resolve to focus on the present moment.

You lifted your gaze, letting it drag over the neighborhood. “Find every color.” You murmured to yourself.

Red, the roses on the bush two houses down.

Orange, the moving van.

Yellow, your shirt.

Green, the lawn.

Blue, the sky.

Purple, your struggled to find purple and made a note to plant some purple pansies to rectify that.

Pink, the flowers of the magnolia tree next door.

You took a deep breath. This was your favorite grounding exercise you’d learned from therapy. It forced you to stay in the moment, steel yourself, and stop racing thoughts—often times before they happened since now you were much better at recognizing the warning signs. It took a lot of work to get to this point. It was work you were proud of.

You took another breath.

First the van. Empty the van. One thing at a time.

A huffing and puffing Sasha stumbled down the shallow steps of the front door—your front door you though joyously—with her hands on her hips, bent slightly at the waist to pin you with judgement. “Excuse me? Am I do’n all the work around here?”

You smirked, nudging the box in front of you with the toe of your shoe, the memory of your struggle to lift it still fresh in your mind. You weren’t in a hurry for a repeat performance in spite of your hassling of Sasha. “Depends, how big of a meal you want?” You teased her.

The brunette scoffed. “If you want me to go at it alone then you better be treating me to a buffet.”

You giggled, though a twinge of envy settled in your chest. Sasha was a petite thing considering how much she ate. You were not. The fact that she could eat so much and still keep her shape while you struggled around your weight made you jealous. The thought of going to a buffet filled you with dread. You always wondered what people thought when they saw someone of thicker size stepping into one of those. It triggered the self-consciousness you were working on diminishing. It wasn’t as though you were lazy, ugly, or any other stereotypical term that so wrongly coincided with your set. Hell, you’d moved over half your old residence by yourself. You were strong! Your body could do amazing things. You just didn’t match the image plastered all over social media and society of what a woman “should” look like.

Size 0 mannequins could go fuck themselves.

You had hips, you had a butt, you had ample breasts—all things sexualized excessively in the female form—you just also had a little extra. Thick thighs, a bit of a tummy—society wanted you to have tits and an ass but when you had the addition that often went with those things naturally, you were frowned upon. It was a complete catch 22. However, society wasn’t going to change, not overnight. So instead you worked on yourself—or rather your perception of self. Therapy helped, but it was an everyday battle to combat two parts of your brain. The half that liked and appreciated the many elements of you, including your body—and the half that was an asshole.

Right now, the asshole was winning. Because of this you had no interest in taking Sasha to a buffet—which meant you had to actually pick up the box you were glaring at.

Bending over, you hoisted the box into your arms with refreshed energy and groaned as you started to your home. “Remind me again why we didn’t recruit the guys?” You mumbled; your voice strained with effort. You probably had books in there. Yeah that was absolutely the book box. Should have spaced those damn things out. What kinda dumb ass were you to put almost all of them in one box?

“Oh, it’s not that much and they’re working, we can totally handle it.” Sasha said, her voice mimicking yours as best it could, though laced heavy with sarcasm. “That’s you. That’s how you sounded.”

You were kicking yourself, “Talk some sense into me next time.” You called, over your shoulder, dropping the box just inside the door where it was going to stay until you either, one, had the energy to move it, or two, had finished putting up your half book shelf.

It was probably going to live there for a while.

“Already thinking about ‘next time’? Oh, no, you’re not moving for at least 10 years. You can’t get me to do this again before that.” Sasha said sternly when you walked back outside to meet her by the van. “I’ll book you for 10 years from now.” You agreed, leaning against the side of the vehicle while Sasha took a moment to fix her ponytail which had gone messy with her unloading efforts.

Walking around to the back of the moving van, you leaned down to pick up another box, a smaller one than the last and took a moment to look over what was left. Just a few bigger items. They were bulky but between the two of you they wouldn’t be difficult to manage. Getting the bed frame and headboard up the stairs was going to be a pain in the ass, luckily TV’s were thinner now so that would be easy to get inside, the bedside tables were small and each of you could carry one of those, the dresser was going to be a bit of a bitch…

You bit your lip, looking over the items and making a list of difficulty in your head. Once again you were filling your mind with ‘to-do’s. Luckily, a voice pulled you out of your own thoughts as you backed down the van’s slope.

“Hello girls!”

You turned around to see an older woman toddling down the driveway beside your own, holding a tray with cookies and two glasses of what appeared to be lemonade.

Putting on your best ‘first impression’ face, you gave the woman a bright smile and placed the box down at your feet to greet the woman who was undoubtably one of your new neighbors. “Hello ma’am,” you said politely. Sasha was too busy drooling over the cookies in the woman’s hands.

“Please, please, call me Della.” She said, lifting the tray in her hands to present the offering to you and Sasha, who was quick to snatch the lemonade and two cookies, chewing both of them at the same time with happy hums and grumbles. You nudged her with your elbow silently scolding her for bypassing the introduction process. Della waved you off, having noticed the subtle action. “She’s absolutely fine! I’m thrilled to have someone enjoy my baking so much.”

All the same, you introduced yourself before taking your own cookie. “It’s nice to meet you Della. I’m [y/n] and this is Sasha.” You took the tray from her and placed it on one of the taller boxes so you could shake the woman’s hand. “Thank you so much for the lemonade and treats.” How on earth had the woman baked that fast? You’d only been there about two hours and these cookies were absolutely fresh out of the oven. Clearly you were living next door to a witch. A kitchen witch. You were totally okay with that so long as she directed her baking powers on you regularly.

“These are amazing.” You mumbled around a mouthful of warm cookie, the flavor sitting on your tongue for a moment, only to have your pallet cleansed by the lemonade.

Della gave a bright smile, “Well thank you dear. It’s nice to have another darling couple to bake for.”

Sasha spit out the lemonade she was sipping, her eyes popping out of her head as she coughed.

You swallowed your bite to try and keep from choking yourself. “Oh! Oh gosh no. No Sasha is just helping me move in. She’s my best friend.” You clarified calmly.

Sasha was thumping her fist to her chest in an attempt to clear her esophagus. “Connie would kill me.” She managed to choke out between wheezes.

“I think he would be down.” You murmured around another sip of lemonade, teasing her.

Della however covered her mouth, looking a little embarrassed by her assumption. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I guess I’m just so used to our other neighbors.” she trailed off, gesturing to the house on the other side of yours. You took that to mean that your other neighbors were a gay couple.

You shook your head, “Don’t worry about it!” Honestly, you were pleasantly surprised to have an older woman be so openly accepting and progressive. Having a neighbor like that wouldn’t be half bad. Especially if she made a habit of sharing her cooked concoctions.

It seemed you’d managed to move to a rather well-rounded neighborhood. It made a smile tug at your lips.

“Will you be living alone, dear?” Della asked, smoothing her hands over the apron tied around her waist. The action cause tiny plumes of flour to drift in front of her before her green eyes came up to regard you with her full attention. It must be her way to ask if you had a significant other that would be moving in alongside you. To some it may seem prying, but you didn’t blame her for wanting to know a little more about the person living right next door to her.

Nodding your head, you reached for another cookie. You probably wouldn’t have normally, sometimes you felt odd eating in front of others— it might have something to do with your negative self-image—but in this case it seemed rude to not show how much you enjoyed the treats after your neighbor slaved over them for you. So, you justified the second as you answered her question. “Yep, just me.”

Humming her understanding, Della nodded in response. “Well don’t you worry. This is a very safe neighborhood. I’ve never felt nervous living alone.” She assured you.

It was not something you’d even considered. You’d lived on your own before, in truth you just slept with a baseball bat under your bed or a heavy flashlight by your nightstand. You’d never had to use them of course, but better have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. You were confident in your ability to defend yourself. As confident as an untrained baseball bat wielder could be anyway. It’s not as though you knew martial arts.

“That’s reassuring.” You told Della with a smile who returned your kind expression. “If you ever need anything, do let me know,” she said softly, picking up the tray as you and Sasha placed your glasses on it—though she handed you the plate of cookies which was for your to consume at your leisure.  “Us girls gotta stick together.” She winked, pulling a giggle from you before she gestured with her chin to your other neighbor’s home. “We’re outnumbered by boys after all.” She was just teasing but it clarified your suspicion of your other neighbors being a male couple.

“They’re very kind,” she added, “So I’m sure they’ll tell you the same. It’s a very lovely neighborhood.” She gave a little curtesy since she couldn’t wave. “I’ll let you girls get back to it!” She called as she walked back up to her driveway.

You smiled back, waving as she made her way to her home, “Thank you again! It was nice to meet you!” You raised the plate of cookies to Sasha’s view once the woman had retreated into her house after the brief welcome. “These are gonna be gone.” You whispered, walking past her to get them to the empty kitchen before you and Sasha could turn them to crumbs.

“Don’t you owe me a debt?” Sasha called after you, picking up the box the tray had once sat on top of.

You gave her a look over your shoulder. “I’m not giving you all my welcome cookies. I’m ordering pizza later.” For a moment you contemplated hiding the sweets. But that wouldn’t protect them from you. Just Sasha and her ravenous hunger.  

It took a little under an hour to get the remainder of the van emptied, without any interruptions—no matter how pleasant. Assembling the bed was a bit of a pain, as suspected, but it was the only piece of furniture you were going to rope Sasha into helping you with. You’d bought a few new pieces of furniture that were still in boxes, which made them easier to pack, but you still had to assemble them. You were confident in your ability to do so on your own. You’d put together enough furniture in your time; and Sasha had done more than enough to earn her pizza.

Thus, the remainder of the evening consisted of eating said pizza, demolishing the plate of cookies, and yelling at reality stars through the television about their actions even though they couldn’t hear you nor Sasha. Thank god you had gotten the cable hooked up day one. You at least needed internet to watch Hulu and Netflix.

Your spunky brunette friend didn’t stay too late. Bless her, she took it upon herself to take the van back to the rental facility for you so you could continue to get settled. The most important piece of furniture was already complete, ready for you to pass out on it when you gave up on the boxes.

To your credit, you managed to unpack most things that didn’t involve the furniture still needing to be assembled. In fact, you unpacked and sorted all your kitchen ware very easily. The kitchen was a good place to start because it didn’t require the rearrangement of furniture which would inevitably come with unpacking areas like your bedroom. Empty cabinets, drawers, and countertops were a blank slate that only required methodical stuffing. Most people’s kitchens were relatively similar in where cutlery went, mixing bowls, cups, pots, and pans—there was only so much variability. It wouldn’t require the careful placement needed to make a space cozy and inviting. It just had to be functional and neat.

Another aspect that made the kitchen simple was your lack of items. Again, this home was much larger than your previous residence. It had much more space for things. Things you didn’t have but would come with time. You were rather excited to shop around for new things to fill your kitchen as well as the rest of your house.

You’d also managed to unpack some knick-knacks and items that would be set on already constructed furniture, like photographs of your family and friends. One of your favorite pictures included you, Sasha, and Connie in Disneyland. Because you were never too old to enjoy Disneyland. It had been your first trip with friends instead of family when you’d reached adulthood. You smiled fondly back at the joyous photo, all of you wearing Micky Mouse ears and grinning at the camera.

Connie and Sasha were two of your closest friends and though they were together romantically they never made you feel like a third wheel. You enjoyed their company dearly. The picture would get a place of honor in the living room before you went to bed that night, concluding your first day of unpacking.

-

The next two days went by in a blur of screws, hammers, nails, bubble wrap, newspaper, and boxes as you unpacked neatly tucked items and assembled furniture that was somehow always missing a screw or two that probably wasn’t important to the overall design anyway. Hopefully, the instructions were more like guidelines. So long as the furniture was sturdy and looked the way it did in the picture, it was fine. A lot of it was place holder furniture anyway. Rather cheap IKEA stuff that would serve to fill space and allow storage as you’d slowly accumulate nicer goods overtime.

It was a process, you reminded yourself, and the home wouldn’t be perfect or look like a catalog home right off the bat. It was what your mother had told you as well when you told her you were buying your first home. Her encouragement and soothing words also helped to keep you grounded much like the techniques you were still learning and utilizing from your time in therapy.

You’d hardly been out of the house since Friday when you first moved in and in spite of your fatigue caused by tedious unpacking, you were itching to start work on the front yard.

Not the backyard.  

That was an adventure you weren’t ready for. You didn’t have an idea mapped out for that yet and weren’t going to spin out trying to construct a plan for it. The backyard would be last. Mainly because that was going to be a big project. It wasn’t poorly maintained, but it was empty. It had a nice lawn, much like the front yard, but that was it.

A blank slate almost overwhelmed you more. It allowed too many options. When you were ready, you’d likely ask the opinion of your parents or friends. Picking their brain for ideas would be helpful and take some of the burden of decisions from your shoulders.

But that was another day, likely many weeks from where you stood now.

Where you stood now was The Home Depot, in the gardening section, looking over the flowers, shrubs, pots, and yard décor they had to offer.

As you promised yourself earlier, you picked up some purple pansies, leaving every other flower and shrubbery up to the whimsy of your mood. Once you had enough plant life to fill the sparce areas of your new home you picked out a few more gardening essentials that you were severely lacking in. Such as gardening gloves, a trowel, and a small bag of soil to fill the few cute pots you would put on the front porch containing succulents. Because succulents were hard to kill—and admittedly you were still a bit green regarding the whole gardening thing.

Pun very much intended.

You snorted at your own stupid joke.

People looked at you in the checkout line.

You looked away, chagrinned.

Quickly, you paid for your greenery items and scurried out to your car. You would start planting right when you got home. It was still early in the morning, hardly 9:00 am. Way earlier than you liked to get up if you were being honest. But, if you started now you could get most of it done before it got too hot.

-

This was Mike’s favorite way to start the morning. With his heart pounding in his ears to the tune of his running mix, his nose filled with the fresh scent of the creek’s running water, and his bare shoulders gently warmed by the sunlight dancing through the canopy of trees overhead.

Almost every day before work, Mike would jog down to the creek trail not far from the house, enjoy the scenery, make a loop or two around the two mile-long path, and then jog home. It was a routine that never changed. He’d been doing it for years now and the consistency was part of what grounded him. He would credit his morning run with assisting in coping with his PTSD. Going without triggered his anxiety and instantly set a poor tone for his day. As such, his boyfriends were good about allowing him to untangle from the sheets every morning, despite one not being a morning person—because he hardly slept in the first place— and the other being a bit of a cuddlier, though he would insist Mike was the cuddlier. Not himself.  

A smile tugged at Mike’s lips at the memory. He wiped his sweating brow with his shirt which was draped around his neck rather than on his body. He’d discarded it early in his run in favor of feeling the light breeze tickle over his bare torso.

His breathing changed as dirt road turned back into concrete when he turned from the creek trail back onto the sidewalk of the main streets of his neighborhood, making his way towards home.

As home came into view, his jog slowed to a walk, allowing his muscles to feel the rush of blood flow under his skin, the tingling throb of adrenaline cycling through his system becoming more noticeable with the shift of pace. Mike’s arms stretched over his head before bending at the joints. His hands folded behind his skull just under the knot of his blonde hair—the half up hairstyle keeping his shaggy bangs out of his face.

Getting closer to his home, he noticed a difference in the normally consistent pattern of houses along the street. A person was in the yard of the house beside his. Their old neighbor had never spent time tending to the yard. He hummed a curious sound. He hadn’t yet had the opportunity to introduce himself to their new neighbor. The “for sale” sign had been taken down days ago, and he vaguely remembered the presence of a moving van without occupants when he’d left for work that Friday.

Mike pulled his phone from his pocket, pausing his music before taking out one of his earphones as he got closer to the house. Though his own music was silenced, a new tune hit his ears, getting louder the closer he got to the kneeling form. The music wasn’t so loud that he would have to yell over it—he could probably clear his throat and the stranger would hear him.

With every intention to politely do just that, he opened his lips and—

Stopped dead in his tracks the moment he got behind the stranger because of what he was greeted by.

There you were, in front of him, on your hands and knees, back arched and your body at an incline as you dug the hole in front of you. But that’s not what got his attention. It was that your legging covered ass was perfectly on display, high in the air, round and inviting.

Mike stood there; mouth partially agape without realizing it. It was a few moments of ogling before he could take in more than that. He picked up your gentle voice, humming to the tune of what was playing on your portable speaker, he picked up the scent of flowers and damp earth, and he picked up on your doe like eyes wide with surprise. It was only then he noticed you had turned around away from your project, hand on your heart as you let out a yelp of surprise at finding someone standing behind you.

A giant standing behind you.

“H-hello…” you murmured, collecting yourself as you moved to turn down your music to a gentle background noise.  

Mike was able to take that time to gather himself. He quickly closed his mouth, clearing his throat and rubbing the back of his neck. The man made a conscious effort not to stare, though now that he could see your face it was becoming even more difficult. A cute face to go with a nice ass. A blush dusted his cheeks. Hopefully covered by the sun kissed pigment of his skin.

God willing.

“Uh sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” He lifted his hand not currently on the back of his neck, pointing to the house to his left, the one with the magnolia tree. “M’name’s Mike Zacharias, I live next door.” He put on a smile though it was no less sheepish than his previous expression. “I hadn’t had the chance to introduce myself yet.” He was thankful to have a cover up to his staring.

You paused for a long moment, the gears in your head almost audible—then recognition flashed over your face. Part of you was trying to recall the conversation you’d had with Della on move in day, the other part was mesmerized by the husky voice.

The sudden brightness that filled in your eyes when you smiled had Mike’s heart in his throat.

“Oh! Yes,” Pulling yourself up to standing, you rubbed your palms together to brush off the dirt and then pulled off one of your gardening gloves, extending a clean hand to him. “I’m [y/n] [l/n]. It’s nice to meet you.” You were extremely eager to make a good impression on your neighbors. You thought you had done a pretty good job with Della—though her cookie offering had done most of the work for you. It was imperative you get along with Mike and his partner. After all, you’d gotten very lucky with most of your neighbors throughout your life. Most of that was due to your parents. Your mother was friendly, polite, and warm. Your father was boisterous, funny, and generous. You strived to offer the same mix to your neighbors and have a good relationship.

You had seen enough episodes of “Fear Thy Neighbor” to understand that a poor relationship on either side of you could wreck an otherwise comfortable home life.

Of course, “Fear Thy Neighbor” was the most dramatic of examples often leading to violence and murder.

You should probably stop watching the ID channel.

Stick to the stupid reality shows.

Mike swallowed thickly, the dusted pink in his cheeks brightening. His large palm engulfed yours and it was as if his blush traveled from his face, down his arm, through your hands and up to your own cheeks. His hand was huge, it practically swallowed yours. Your palm was completely swaddled by the deceptively gentle squeeze of a rough hand, slight calluses made firm by some sort of labor you couldn’t name.

With your surprise having warn off from the initial contact you found yourself fully registering the man in front of you—

And holy shit if your brain didn’t almost immediately short circuit again.

First of all, he was a giant. Already established—but something you didn’t truly comprehend until you’d stood and fully approached him from your botany project. If you dug the hole you were working on a little deeper, you were pretty sure you could plant Mike up to his knees and he’d continue growing into the tree he so clearly was.

Second of all there was his face which was generously exposed by his tied back dark blond hair. Hazelly-green eyes, pronounced nose—that fit him perfectly, and a strong jaw lightly bearded along it as well as his upper lip.

Your eyes followed the curve of his jaw down his neck, past his broad shoulders and onto a sparsely haired chest just where his defined pectorals met. If you followed the path from his chest down to his toned stomach, which you absolutely did, you found the same light etching of hair extending from his navel down to his—

Your eyes quickly darted back up to his face, your own heating up substantially as your hands all too soon disconnected.  

Mike placed his hands on his hips which served to flex his strong arms and momentarily distract you again.

If you could have slapped yourself subtly, you would have done so. But with those hazel eyes boring into you, you settled for mentally berating your thirst. ‘Get it together woman. He’s taken… and gay.’ But gay came second to taken. It was important to respect a preexisting relationship. It was important to respect sexuality too.

But—

You could look, right? No harm in looking. That’s why people went to museums. To drool over the Statue of David.

That throaty voice pulled you back to focus. “So, is it just you?” If you weren’t completely sure that the man in front of you was gay, the question would have sounded hopeful.

He must have just been asking so he could introduce himself to any other potential newcomers.

“Yep just me. It’s my first house.” He didn’t ask for that second part, but you were proud. You were proud of having your own home and doing so alone. You didn’t have to depend on anyone to get to this important step in your life. That wasn’t something many people could say. You weren’t trying to brag—it was just that residual excitement of having achieved one of your life goals.

Mike to his credit seemed excited for you. His eyebrows raised, as if impressed. Buying a home was getting harder and harder for every generation. Though he didn’t seem too much older than you. Probably in his early 30’s. Even if he were ten years older than you that would be a generational gap and that meant the struggles to find a home were different between the two of you. However, you didn’t think he could be that much older than you considering you were in the later part of your 20’s. 30’s seeming to creep ever closer. But seeing Mike reminded you that your 30’s didn’t make you old in the slightest. The more you looked at Mike, the better your 30’s looked. Because fuck if Mike wasn’t fine as hell.

You were thinking too far ahead again, this time years.

To pull yourself from your spinning thoughts, you looked back at Mike’s face. The smile momentarily dazed you. Because of course he would also have perfect teeth. “Congratulations, that’s wonderful.” He murmured, looking to your house for a moment and then back at you. The house was rather large for one person. “No significant other chomping at the bit to invade your space yet?” The tone was teasing, and you managed a laugh which dispelled your previously spiraling thoughts. God, sometimes you didn’t even notice when they were spiraling.

Mike seemed interested in your relationship status. It put little butterflies in your stomach which were squashed when you looked down at yourself. Even if Mike were interested in females, why would he be interested in you?

You growled internally at those disparaging thoughts to shut the fuck up. You counted to three in your head, a brief distraction from those thoughts used to ground you in the present.

Normally, you preferred your longer methods of distraction, like your colors. However, those weren’t feasible when in the middle of a conversation with your hot neighbor.

“Nope, no boyfriend or anything. Just me and maybe a dog or a cat at some point.” You grinned at the idea, reminding yourself that now that you had your own home no one could tell you if you could have a pet or not. No landlord, no parent, no roommate—no permission needed.

The twinkle in Mike’s eye was easily missed. “My votes’ for a cat,” he murmured offhandedly.

“Not a dog fan?” You asked playfully. Though maybe he was worried about you having a yappy dog that he would have to listen to all day. Understandable.

“No, I like dogs too,” Did his voice get a little deeper? “Just always been fond of kittens.” His eyes slid over you, a smile tugging at his lips that made your blush from earlier give an encore performance.

‘Taken. And. Gay.’ You reminded yourself, willing the blush to dissipate and scolding yourself for reading too much into his gaze. Schooling your expression with the same friendly smile you’d given Della; you nodded your head. “Well I’ll just have to drag you along when I adopt one, then you can play with some pussy.”

Oh lord.

That was a Freudian slip if there ever was one.

You felt your face go hot and resisted the overwhelming compulsion to connect your palm to your forehead. Inappropriate joke for a first meeting—for sure.

Mike’s eyes flashed with something you couldn’t name, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. “I’ll take you up on that,” he grinned, and the expression was playful, putting you a bit more at ease. “It’s been far too long since I’ve played with a cute pussy.”

Your thighs squeezed together. Unnoticeably, you prayed.

Mike must have been messing with your somewhat unintentional word choice. Though you were happy that Mike seemed to be the lighthearted type. You could see yourself forming a friendship with the man. Hopefully, his boyfriend (husband?) was half as laid back.

You also hopped his partner was half as sexy.

Because if he was just as sexy as Mike, you were going to suffer a heat stroke.

The giant grinned, tilting his head to gesture to his home. “I gotta get ready for work.” Was it your imagination or did he look a bit reluctant? His grin was back in place too soon to really tell. You nodded your head politely with a little wave just before he turned away.

“It was nice to meet you.” You called, getting back on your knees next to the little pit you’d dug for your shrub.

The blond looked over his strong shoulder as he made his way down the sidewalk and threw you a very obvious wink. “Catch ya later, kitten.” He replied before he rounded his driveway and walked up to his front door, giving you one more glance and disappearing inside the much larger home.

Blinking, you sat frozen for a few moments before your eyes drifted to the hole beside you. Maybe if you dug it a bit deeper you could bury yourself in it.

Because Mike was surely going to be the death of you.

-

When Mike got back into the house, he had to lean against the door, tilting his head back to let the cooling air of the AC drench his heated skin. Though at this point the heat was less from his run and more from the cute new neighbor. It took everything in his power not to pin you to the dirt right there. He let out a little groan, hardly audible.

But just audible enough.

A voice, smooth as honey called from around the corner. “Mike? You alright?”

Mike hummed an affirmative and pushed himself off the door to make his way to the kitchen where the voice was coming from. If he didn’t answer right away, he knew the male would come searching for him and instantly begin to drill him on his mental state. There was no need for that.

His mental state was good. Very good this morning.

His large palm came up to slide over the marble of the kitchen island as he bypassed it to get to the fridge, sticking his head in for longer than necessary to retrieve a water bottle. A soft crack filled the room as he twisted the cap, breaking the seal as he turned to face the kitchen table. Two sets of eyes peered over at him. One set a bright blue; the color of the ocean, the other a stormy grey sky.

The honey voice spoke again, the blue eyes having been peering behind a newspaper completely revealed by its placement on the table. “Good run I take it?”

“Looks a little too happy about a run, Erwin.” The stormy eyed male murmured from behind a teacup held at the rim.

Mike smirked a little. Levi always was perceptive. They both were. But Levi noticed subtleties far more quickly than Erwin did. “I met our new neighbor.” He brought the opening of the bottle to his lips, letting the chilled liquid sooth his throat of the dryness from his run.

“Oh?” Erwin asked, leaning back in his seat and tilting his head back as a silent hint for Mike to lean down to him. Levi was good at noticing subtleties, but Mike was good at reading hints. He leaned down and pressed his lips to Erwin’s, his own cool and water glazed compared to Erwin’s soft and warm ones. “Mm hm,” He confirmed while righting himself. “And Levi,” Mike moved to the other side of the table, tilting Levi’s head back with a fingertip to direct his gaze to him which had been glued upon the novel in his left hand. The ravenette looked up from his book with the giant’s prompting, gaze aloof and seemingly disinterested. However, the look in Mike’s eyes gave him pause.

Since Mike knew Levi, really knew him, he noticed the curiosity lingering behind that seemingly blank expression.

Mike pecked his lips to the shorter male’s, whispering against them. “She’d be perfect.”

#attack on titan fanfiction #levi x erwin x mike x reader #levi ackerman x erwin smith x mike zacharias x reader #levi ackerman x reader #levi x reader #erwin smith x reader #erwin x reader #mike zacharias x reader #mike x reader #aot modern au #thick reader #thick!reader #plus size!reader #plus size reader

[percabeth4life]

On that note! (My previous post on percico)

Solangelo makes me annoyed.

I love the idea of the ship! And if it had been done right I would've been delighted. If it had been built up like some other ships, like percabeth. Opposites attracting, the romance, the drama. It could've been adorable and well thought out and showing a lot of Nico's growth and recover from major trauma. He had a whole nother five books to show it! But like, the ship was extremely forced.

Nico went from pained, needing serious trauma recovery, hurt, and frankly in desperate need of time off and away (preferably with family to support him like say, Hazel), to "I like Will 100% with no actual reason and also my trauma is miraculously cured". I remember thinking it sounded like Fanfiction with how fast he crushed on Will.

That just... He got a crush on Percy who kicked butt when they first met, Percy was his hero. It was hero worship puppy crush. Will did nothing to gain such immediate attention? And the Percy crush that he'd had for years just vanished? It would've made so much more sense if he'd even showed some connection at the beginning of the hoo series, or shown that they were very familiar with each other. But nope, just met and with no actual incentive is majorly crushing on Will.

Will came out of nowhere, it seemed very much like he just shoved the two together for no reason but "he's gay! Look! He has a boyfriend! At 12! It's official :)"

And, he just kinda tossed half of Nico's character. There's a reason people are going "UwU our gay baby" and it's cause canon makes him a soft boy now that needs Will. He kinda trashed the whole extremely independent and strong aspect.

That would've been fine! Nico is a child and needs to recover. But he showed nothing of the recovery process. And he made it seem like getting a boyfriend solved all of Nico's mental health issues. And Nico struggling to use his powers would be fine too, it was bad stuff that happened, but again, he isn't treating it seriously anymore. Nico has been relegates to gay boy that needs help from boyfriend. And that's a disservice to his character.

I have no issue with the ship in theory, and if it had been written right it would probably be my favorite ship. But there was no build up, it's a relationship with a power imbalance, and Nico's characterization just kinda went down the drain.

I'm just sad because I've read fics that build that ship up with such skill, it could've been amazing, instead it seems like Rick just shoved it in there to give the gay kid a boyfriend.

#percy jackson #pjo #anti solangelo #sorta? #i love them and they couldve been an amazing ship #but canon just #didnt do that #im sad for the potential lost #anti-solangelo

[veryvincible]

Hello, I hope you remember me asking you about Wanda and Tony relationship in the comics. Well, I’m back with another character; what is Tonys relationship with Tchalla like? I read somewhere in quora that it’s not a good one . How is the relationship in your opinion hehe

Hello! I apologize for taking so long to respond to this, and also I’m sorry that this won’t be panel-heavy, because Pfizer is kicking my ass (unanticipated) and I don’t know Black Panther stuff well enough for searching for panels to be easy, so take what I say with a grain of salt if no evidence is provided.

I will start with this; they do not mesh well. Maybe it’s a lack of communication or empathy for each other or something else, but whatever the case, T’Challa doesn’t really know who Tony is and (at least in their earlier days), Tony didn’t really know who T’Challa was.

We can make all sorts of claims about how this might potentially affect our dissections of their respective worldviews, but 1) they are not as clean cut nor easy as Wanda and Tony are to compare, and 2) I don’t know 616 T’Challa very well. But it seems like the implication here would be that Tony really, really doesn’t like people who are, or were at one point, surveilling him without his consent (understandable) or trying to throw their opinions in when he is Absolutely Certain he has the right answer to all the world’s problems, which he is prone to being, because sometimes he actually has the right answer to big problems and no one listens to him and he has kind of learned that whether or not people listen to you doesn’t really hold weight, and also he’s a genius. And we can assume that T’Challa, while not having reasons similar to Tony’s (if I’m assuming correctly), still very much likes to be involved in big decision-making and values himself very highly, given that he is literally responsible for the wellbeing of an entire country and I think they seem to like him well enough for how he’s handling that. On top of that, T’Challa has been kind of really fucking iffy about Tony’s mental health in some cases, and Tony has been kind of really fucking weirdly written in some Avengers comics, and especially in Avengers vs. X-Men comics, wherein he and T’Challa have interacted. 

You could potentially say that this is part of why they don’t mesh, and that if you took away the “I joined the Avengers to spy on you!” thing on T’Challa’s side, the only thing standing in between them would be misconceptions about each other and misconceptions on the part of the writers. I don’t think that’s totally true (especially since some formative events, like Illuminati, have been adopted into more commonly accepted Iron Man canon and while we can raise questions about some decisions made here, it most definitely is a part of a lot of Tony meta in the same way CW is), but like, you could say it. Potentially. Especially if it’s an in-universe explanation.

Here’s what I mean when I say they don’t mesh well:

We have guilt-based, genius futurist futurist Tony and pragmatic diplomat T’Challa here, the former with an argument that would be much stronger if he didn’t start it off by saying “I feel bad about everything, of course this would have happened, I should have known, I’m sorry for being alive,” and the latter with an argument that would be much stronger if we hadn’t already experienced, like, a bunch of superhero in-fighting that got violent and big and awful, and something like this wouldn’t actually change that. But, you know, aside from that, T’Challa’s got a great point here, and the problem is that this great point kind of stretches into comics-writing infinity wherein now, T’Challa seems to think that Tony is selfish and egotistical and all, and Tony seems to think... well, I don’t know, actually, but I’m sure it’s something along the lines of what he thinks about other smart people who sometimes think Tony is flying too close to the sun, and that’s, “I respect you, but also shut up a little bit please and listen to me and you will understand why my idea is super cool,” or something akin to that.

And honestly, this makes the relationship sound much more intense than it is. It really isn’t-- in most comics, at least, it really isn’t. They have done some Avenger-ing together, they have certainly vibed together as acquaintances in the past, and (as far as I know, since I have not been totally keeping up with new canon) I don’t think they’d be opposed to being part of the same team in the future, especially if it’s just briefly.

It’s more a matter of closeness here; I mean, sure, T’Challa wasn’t happy with the way Tony handled the Illuminati, or a lot of CW, or some Avengers vs X-Men stuff, or... well, you get it. But the fact remains that T’Challa and Tony both are accessible to each other, willing to help each other when needed, and they mostly clash when it comes to big stuff. We could take that to mean “the big stuff is where the real relationship meat is, and that’s what we should trust!” rather than viewing the quantity of their interactions and the pleasantness of their friendship with regards to this, but. Y’know. I don’t think that’s super realistic, especially when the other relationship-altering events Tony’s experienced have had certain outcomes specifically as a result of those decades of backdrop; I mean, Civil War wouldn’t be the same if Tony and Steve hadn’t promised to be besties for life beforehand, as evidenced by the MCU’s handling of the arc. So, even though we don’t get as much narrative cohesion with T’Challa (since, y’know, writers tend to focus more on relationships that actually are close, and we can’t have in-depth analyses of every acquaintanceship possible no matter how much we’d like them), we can probably assume that they’re Fine.

Tl;dr: I don’t know too much about them, but they butt heads every so often and they get together and get shit done every so often, they don’t seem to outright hate each other or anything to that extent, and I think the worst feelings they’ve probably ever had for each other were disgust and moderate betrayal. Like, I don’t think those are shallow emotions, but in terms of short-ish events and comics spanning over a Very Long Time, wherein betrayal is often overlooked pretty easily and everyone goes back to being cool like they’re in a 2012 MCU fandom slice of life fic.

#cassks #t'challa is not my strong suit. but i tried for you :)