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cyclone-rachel · 1 year

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don’t know if I’ll live ‘til tomorrow // a supergirl fanfic

All Querl hears is Lex’s laughter.

His taunting- so, Coluan, you were only mostly dead? No matter. You can die with her- as he rushes forward, making it to Supergirl’s side simultaneously in time and too late.

All he sees is the Fortress of Solitude, ice surrounding him, the rest of the people he tried to save- fading from sight, pulled away from him, as though he’s the one who’s been put in a bottle this time.

All he feels is Kara’s hand in his, as they land in a place they both know well.

“We’re in the Phantom Zone.”

Their hands haven’t left one another since they got there.

“Your ancestral memories.” Kara says suddenly, if only to hear something at all. “Do they have anything that could help us? I mean, Indigo was sent to Fort Rozz with my aunt and uncle, but…”

“I should ask you for any information.” Querl answers. “You were the one who had to stay here for over twenty years.”

“In my spaceship.” Kara tells him, shivering. “Not out here. And besides, it’s… different now.”

“Indeed.” Querl says as he squeezes her hand. “And as for your question, yes. Besides Indigo herself, I actually have several ancestors who’ve found their way here.”

He lets himself laugh, a little bit.

“You would think they’d expect after a while that any kind of criminal act would get one sent to such a place as this. Especially when dealing with those who discovered it in the first place.”

“The Kryptonians.” Kara says. “Yeah.”

“And, surprisingly, one of my doppelgangers that we met after the Crisis briefly suffered the same fate, while he and the Legion were fighting a child of General Zod.”

“How did that one get out?”

“He had the help of his friends.”

“…Oh.”

“I remember it.” Kara says. “Being here. Or, somewhere like here, anyway. My mother- Alura- well… she certainly didn’t expect my pod to be knocked off-course, when I was sent from Krypton. But she said I would sleep most of the way. And I tried, some of the time.”

“But not for decades.”

“No.” Kara agrees, sighing. “Even when I got to Earth, I was afraid to fall asleep- because I didn’t think it was real. Like I would wake up in my pod again, and every hope of escape would be taken away from me. I’d just be stuck there, for years, and nobody would know.”

“And now you have returned.” Querl answers. “Is this how it looked before? You said it was different.”

“It is different.” Kara emphasizes, looking around her. “It seems… fragmented.”

“Like the universes collided with one another.” He observes. “Of course.”

“Which will make it more difficult for them to find us.” Kara says, shoulders slumping. “I can’t imagine where they’d even start looking.”

And without a twelfth-level intellect, the process will be much slower, she thinks.

She imagines it for a moment- Alex or someone else finally forcing an opening, pulling her into the light. Kara asking how long it’s been, and her sister hesitating, before telling her how many years. Or worse, it’s not Alex at all- maybe this time it will have been hundreds of years, or thousands. She pictures the Legion rescuing her and Brainy, his friends happy to see him but saddened when they also glimpse her.

“But they will be looking.” He says. “As for our situation… if you had not been in your pod, is there anywhere here that you would have gone, to keep yourself safe?”

“Yes.” Kara says, a little more confident. “There’s one place.”

“I… I hate him.”

“Who?” Kara wonders, but remembering all they’ve recently been through, she knows the answer right after she asks.

“Lex.” She corrects herself. “Yeah. I feel the same way.”

Brainy squeezes her hand again, this time tighter, stepping closer beside her as they continue walking.

“Everything I did was to keep you safe.” He says. “I was sworn to secrecy by one of the other versions of myself- the woman, who called herself the director of the DEO.”

“The one who looked like she could’ve been your sister.” Kara says. “I remember.”

“She told me this was the only way to make things right, that her universe was the closest to ours, and if I did not work with Lex, disaster would occur. Leviathan would win. I could not let that happen.”

“Of course.” Kara answers.

“I knew how much you would lose trust in me.” Brainy says. “But that was necessary. I only hoped that you would forgive me, once it was all over.”

Kara nods.

“I do.” She says. “If that counts for anything.”

“Certainly, in this situation.” He answers. “Thank you.”

Kara smiles at him, and he tentatively smiles back, before going on.

“Every step of the way, I hated working with him.” He says. “Every time he would threaten you, or make some derisive comment about us or any of our friends, I was only more determined to defeat Leviathan with him so that he could be stopped as well. But it had to be in that order. Until then…”

“You were inhibited.”

“Yes.” He agrees. “You see the cruel irony in this situation. But now, I have stopped Leviathan, nearly at the cost of my own life were it not for all of you, and Lex is…”

Kara squeezes his hand.

“Our friends can handle him.” She says. “I hope. But… how did you stop Leviathan? I wasn’t sure, J’onn and Alex said that they were fighting them, but they just vanished.”

“I bottled them, if you can believe it.” Brainy answers. “I uploaded the mortality code that Lex tasked me to get, and used a bottle I found in the DEO vault.”

“You say that as if we didn’t find you almost dead of radiation poisoning.” Kara tells him. “But, if there was any doubt you were good to your core, I think it’s gone now.” “Yes.” Brainy says. “It is.”

They come across a cave, when trying to find shelter.

Neither of them have kept track of time, in this place, but without the sun and cut off from any kind of knowledge, Kara and Querl are both tired, and decide to take the risk to rest.

But because this is the Phantom Zone, and no good things happen in such a place, the path inside the cave leads in two directions, so for the first time, they split apart to investigate each.

And when they reunite, Kara finds Querl trapped.

It doesn’t seem too serious at first- if Kara had her super-strength, she could easily break the crystal encasing one of Querl’s feet. And even without it, she still tries, but the crystal only grows in response.

“My great-grandfather discovered the Phantom Zone.” Kara says. “I don’t think he ever wrote anything about this.”

“Then we will have to keep trying.” Querl answers. “I believe in you.”

And however strong that belief is, it doesn’t free him. As much as Kara keeps looking for a solution, she can’t find anything. She so badly wants to help him, or do anything to make sure he’s safe- Rao knows he’s done much more of that for her, especially in recent days- but the crystal keeps growing over his body, and he’s even more trapped than they already are.

“How long do you think I have, Kara?” he asks, when the crystal has reached his waist.

She tries not to imagine him asking that question just before they found themselves here, when she and the others had found him in Leviathan’s headquarters, practically radiating from how much exposure he’d gotten.

Back then, at least, they’d found a solution. Alex had given him the boost to his system he’d needed to survive, and everything had been okay.

Here… Kara wishes she could analyze the material he’s stuck in, or shoot it with her heat vision (in a way that wouldn’t incinerate him, of course) or any number of things.

But it’s only a matter of time before there’s no more of him for the crystal to encase, and even before then, there would be no telling what else came to find them here.

Until then, however, they just… talk. Try to pass the time, however they can. They tell each other the meanings of their names, share stories of their childhoods on Krypton and Colu, anything works- except discussion of their present situation, and how little time they have left.

When the crystal comes up to Querl’s neck, he confesses that he loves her- that he always has.

For a moment, Kara wants to accept it, tell him that she loves him too.

But…

It feels off, somehow, and when she says “No.”, his expression gives him away.

“What have you done with Querl?”

“Kara Zor-El.” He says, image-inducing into a form she doesn’t know- a tall woman resembling Brainiac 8. “It took you long enough to figure it out.”

“You’re Brainy’s mother.”

“Hello, Kryptonian.” Says the woman- Brainiac 4, Kara realizes. “It was exhausting pretending to be civil to you.”

“How are you even here?” Kara asks.

Brainiac 4 waves her hand dismissively.

“It matters not.” She says. “I am here for my son. I had heard that he’d escaped to the twenty-first century, to avoid the plague that our relative had released, and was under the protection of Supergirl. Imagine my surprise when I learned he and Supergirl were in the Phantom Zone of all places together, just as my great-grandfather and yours had been two hundred years before your time. And, for that matter, that he had nearly died protecting you.”

“He did that because he’s a hero, and my friend.” Kara answers, wishing now more than ever for the sunlight, something to give her strength. Even without it, though, she could still deal with this woman. “What did you do with him? Where is he?”

“You think I would tell you that?”

“If you do, maybe I’ll think about letting you go. You’d still be trapped anyway.”

Brainiac 4 frowns.

“I suppose that’s your famous compassion.” She says. “But no matter. Have you forgotten that you are trapped in here as well? We are no better off than one another, Kara Zor-El.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. Our friends are coming to find us, and soon, you’ll be stuck here alone.”

Kara imagines it- Brainiac 4, watching as Kara and Brainy and their friends leave the Phantom Zone, trapped with only the Phantoms for company. She can’t pretend it doesn’t give her a tiny bit of happiness.

“You truly still believe that?” Brainiac 4 asks. “Look around you. The Phantom Zone has changed- the collision of the pocket dimensions from infinite earths… it would take a twelfth-level intellect to navigate such a place. And even if my son had not come with you, he and your friends would be ultimately helpless. They would be set upon by countless Phantoms, consumed by their worst fears, and this time there would be no Fort Rozz to pull you free.”

Kara didn’t like the sound of that, definitely. But just recently, hadn’t she believed in the entire world? She’d held out hope that they would disconnect themselves from the Obsidian North program, break themselves out of the digital world where their lives were being threatened. She’d hoped, too, that Brainy wasn’t truly under Lex’s control, and he had proved that. She could still trust her friends, that they could overcome anything, and they surely trusted that she and Brainy would stay alive, long enough for them to be rescued.

“I believe in them.” She says. “And in your son.”

“Are you sure that is wise?” Brainiac 4 asks. “How much has he told you, about his past before the Legion, about our family? Would you still trust him, if you knew that he was once a criminal, that he was arrested- even after the inhibitors were placed on him?”

“I would know that that wasn’t the whole story.” Kara tells her. “No matter what he did, he’s a Legionnaire now, and a Super-friend- and I still want to know where he is.”

“Of course you do.” Brainiac 4 states flatly, looking towards another pathway in the cave. “He is down that hallway; he’ll wake up soon. And as for you…” She gives Kara an evil smirk, and Kara does her best to return it with a glare. “We will meet again, Kryptonian.”

She leaves then, giving Kara an opportunity to run down the path, and soon take the real Brainy in her arms.

“So, you have finally met my mother.” Brainy says once he’s awake, fiddling with his Legion ring and not looking Kara in the eyes.

“Yeah.” Kara answers. “She pretended that she was you- and said we would meet again.”

“That sounds like her.” He tells her. “We should leave- help me up, please?”

Kara stands, and holds out a hand to him, helping him stand beside her, and soon they find themselves under what passes for sky in the Phantom Zone once again, doing their best to keep moving.

“What else did she say?” Brainy asks once they’re a good distance from the cave, eyes almost soft again as he looks at her. She’s always found it easy to talk with him, while they’ve known each other (recent events involving Lex Luthor aside) and yet it’s difficult now for her to form her answer.

“She… she said you loved me.” Kara tells him, without elaborating.

And he, in turn, doesn’t elaborate either- that, in this case, information gleaned from his ancestral memory... his mother was correct. He does love her, of course he does.

(It seems to be a constant, he thinks, as he recalls the memories he’s received from the other versions of himself- the one with the yellow boots, dancing with his Kara who wore a bright red headband with her costume, his female doppelganger getting married to a Kara with shorter hair, even the one who wore a jacket scribbled all over with equations fighting alongside his Kara who wore a different costume with a red ring. In every universe, the two of them were connected in some way, and that on its own was something to consider)

But that discussion can be saved for outside of the Phantom Zone, once everything can indeed be sorted out.

And besides, some inner voice taunts him, if you told her that was true, how would Kara be able to believe you now? She won’t trust anything coming from Fabala, even that.

Shut up, he thinks. We will talk about it later.

But later is something that literally does not exist yet, for the two of them.

All there is at the moment, is he and Kara, holding hands as they continue walking through the Phantom Zone, avoiding the phantoms that inhabit such a place and each grateful to the other that they are not alone.

“She also said you used to be a criminal.” Kara adds. “Even after you got your inhibitors. Is that true?”

He still doesn’t look at her, before he slowly nods.

“It is.” He confirms. “I… did not believe I had any kind of choice in that matter. On Colu, for thousands of years, to wear inhibitors is to be marked as someone untrustworthy, someone who must be restrained, and many of my ancestors have worn such a sign on their heads. And so, in keeping with that, when my father placed inhibitors on me at eight years old, I believed I too deserved them, and could not possibly become anything else. That is… until the Legion came to me, and asked if I would consider helping them.”

Kara smiles, squeezing his hand.

“What happened then?”

“It was not immediate. However, Mon-El was patient with me, and soon, I was in their headquarters, living in New National City, and I came across a museum- one that was dedicated to you. I learned about what you stood for, what you have done, and through your example, you gave me hope.”

He looks at her, smiling back, and then Kara feels it- the sunlight finally coming down on her.

“Do you feel that too?” she says, as he looks up, his green skin and blond hair illuminated.

“That’s our family.” He answers, and once they land, in a ship Kara doesn’t recognize, there’s no time wasted. Kara sees Kelly, Lena, M’gann, Nia, all present on the ship and looking overjoyed at her return, but Alex is the one she gets to first, and her arms anchor Kara as she finally hugs her sister again. Beside her, she can see J’onn hugging Brainy, and she can tell he’s smiling too, while the ship begins taking off for home.

#papa don't look #supergirl #supergirl au #supergirl season 6 #kara danvers #kara zor el #querl dox #brainiac 5 #karadox #ship: believe in all the possibilities #oh man it's finally finished #the kara and brainy in the phantom zone au #no idea how long this took #figured it would be appropriate to finish it on the anniversary of 5x10 #also one of these parts should be familiar to a few people #and i hope this is good!

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red-moon-at-night · 11 months

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An Analysis of Haruka’s MVs: Distance and Disability

Hello! I’ve recently fallen down the rabbit hole that is Milgram and I have been itching to make some completely normal and sane analysis posts. My silly alternate title for this was gonna be “Things About Haruka’s MVs That Just Make Sense: A Hyperfixation-fuelled Analysis”, because honestly my autistic brain has been having a field day over here.

I am in awe with just about every single music video in this project; the animation is incredible and each one packs so much carefully laid out information. But I have been rotating Haruka’s in my head constantly since I first watched them, and I have a lot of Thoughts. Not about whether he’s guilty or innocent/forgiven or unforgiven. Not about whether or not I can justify his murders. Just some straight up imagery and symbolism analysis, through the lens of disability.

Haruka’s disability has not been specified, but I am confident we can at least say he is neurodivergent. I feel like the cultural differences in names for several things e.g. ‘learning disability’ vs ‘learning difficulty’ will just invite unnecessary drama, and is a little pedantic. What does matter here is that Haruka's experience as a disabled person is heavily intertwined within his story and his motives.

So, without further ado... let’s get into this!

Trigger warnings/TW: I will be discussing ableism, eugenics and harm towards disabled people. Everything else will be related to the music videos ‘Weakness’ and ‘All Knowing and All Agony’, so any triggering content within them may also be mentioned. Read at your own discretion and stay safe!

Disability: some brief (important) historical context

It is only within the last few decades that those who are disabled have been ‘seen’ for the first time. A modern society is (ideally) expected to be built to include and accommodate for disability, and to acknowledge disabled people’s existence. But for many countries (even the ones making steps outlined above) this is still not the case. For a very, very long time, globally, that has not been the case.

For most disabled people, society makes it very clear that they are a burden to it and are better off not existing.

I’m going to make this section as succinct as possible because...it’s heavy stuff. But it’s important, and I want you all to get the gist of what I’m saying. The weight of it.

Let’s highlight a piece of history regarding IQ and eugenics, surrounding the publication and subsequent worldwide reception of ‘The Kallikak Family: A Study in the Heredity of Feeble-mindedness’ by Henry Herbert Goddard in 1913:

“In 1927, it was used as evidence in the case of Buck v. Bell, which culminated in a Supreme Court ruling that the involuntary sterilization of ‘mentally defective’ persons was not unconstitutional in the United States. By 1938, thirty-three US states had passed laws allowing for the forced sterilization of women with learning disabilities and twenty-nine had made sterilization compulsory for people who were thought to have genetic conditions. Many European countries followed suit: Denmark in 1929, then Norway in 1934, and after that Sweden, Finland, Estonia, Iceland, Czechoslovakia, Yugoslavia, Latvia, Hungary and Turkey.”

— Limburg, J. (2021) Letters To My Weird Sisters: On Autism and Feminism, p. 126

This history of a ‘sterilization law’ includes Japan, who between 1948 and 1996 enacted the Eugenics Protection Law which “authorised the sterilization of people with intellectual disabilities, mental illnesses or hereditary disorders.” According to the government, about 25,000 were sterilized.

SO. It’s important to bring this up. To establish how much disabled people are not wanted, just from their governments. Let alone society. To this day, disabled people are hidden away from the public by families that are ashamed of their existence.

Japanese culture values collectivism, and maintaining the harmony of a group...to the extent of excluding those that don’t fit into the mould. That are different.

The question is: where do they go? The ones that are publicly rejected?

Haruka and The Curious Case of Distant Waters

Okay that’s enough of the heavy real-world stuff! Time to delve into some...*checks notes*...heavy fictional stuff. Fun!

Haruka’s MVs prominently display themes of distance and separation through the motif of water, specifically being submerged underwater.

The name Haruka reinforces this concept as the specific kanji used (遥) translates to ‘distant’, ‘remote’ or ‘far away’. As there are many, many kanji choices for the name (including but not limited to: ocean/sea, eternity/permeance, clear/distinct/obvious, and spring/growth/cherry blossom) it feels like a particularly cruel and intentional choice to go with that one.

Through the exploration of this motif, we can see the extent in which Otherness/the state of being ‘Other’ drives Haruka to great lengths to close the distance and escape it.

What I noticed throughout both MVs (particularly AK&AA but note the beginning scene of Weakness), is that whenever Haruka looks at himself in a reflective surface (e.g. the vanity mirror, the fish tank), water either begins to rise and overwhelms him, or is already there and he appears submerged:

I think this is the “All-Knowing” part of AK&AA. He knows he’s different, and he knows there’s a huge ocean between him and his peers, his family, everyone. A disconnect when trying to listen and understand, but also when trying to be understood by others and listened to himself.

You know when you submerge your head in water, and your hearing gets all muffled and incomprehensible? And have you ever tried speaking underwater? You can’t, because if you open your mouth you’ll drown. It’ll just come out as bubbles rising to the surface.

I also think the bubbles symbolise rising tension, between what he wants and what he currently has. Bubbles are everywhere in these MVs, even in places where they shouldn’t logically be? Such as this scene, following the line “don’t wipe me out, don’t wipe me out”:

Immediately pans up to Haruka gasping for breath, droplets of water rising from...somewhere. For about a split second, and they’re gone.

This boy is really going through it. I’m getting an ‘emerging from the ocean before I drown’ vibe from this one folks. When the line that follows this scene is “I can’t stop, I can’t stop”, what I’m REALLY hearing is “I can’t stop (killing) or I’ll drown”. This is his lifeboat, pulling him out from the depths of being neglected and hidden away, into the spotlight.

Some interesting images from Weakness in relation to that (of spotlights):

Anyways, onto the next point:

Blue to Orange: Water to...Nectar?

So, the orange liquid. It’s clearly representing blood, but I don’t think this is just a “danganronpa pink blood” situation of censoring/getting this video onto youtube without restrictions.

I think it’s most likely honey, specifically nectar.

The etymology of the word nectar shows its compounds translate to “death” and “overcoming”. Nectar is also called the drink of the gods, so it would make sense for it to be a ‘death-defeating’, immortalizing liquid.

For Haruka’s victims to contain nectar is very interesting. It reinforces that necessity to kill, to take the life of another, to sustain himself. To overcome the ‘living death’ he is experiencing by being hidden away from society.

This is his means of escape from drowning.

However, as we all know, things don’t turn out great for him. By the end of AK&AA Haruka is rejected once again by his mother, after which the door is shut (the light with it is gone too) and we’re met with this imagery:

The nectar floods the room, engulfing him much like the water from earlier.

There are many things we could take from this. One being that the nectar-gathering/killing-spree has clouded his vision; it’s so sweet, so sickly sweet and he’s addicted to the taste of attention, even if it’s very bad attention.

Who else has honey imagery in their MV again?

Oh, right.

Anyway, the nectar/honey situation could also be representing submerging into an even further level of distance. All that murder is gonna push people away, despite his motive being to close the gap between him and normal people. The 'ocean’ has lost clarity and become a maddening, delusional substance. After all, there is a type of honey literally called ‘mad honey’ known for its medicinal and hallucinogenic properties.

That’s enough about honey, though. Let’s move onto less unfortunate... oh, sorry, what was that? *checks notes*...Ah, yes. I meant to say, let’s move onto even more unfortunate symbolism:

The Necklace

So, this necklace. Haruka steals it from his mother’s belongings, and is his only material, physical connection to her. It is taken on the declaration of “making (her) love me again” and getting her attention once more, now he is no longer a child but a teenager closer to adulthood (at least, that’s what I consider the ‘shirt with a vest sweater and tie’ to represent. child him = the blue polo, teenager him = this one, adult him = an amalgamation of his teenager clothes).

I wasn’t sure if this was an opal or pearl/mother of pearl, but I’m leaning towards opal from the other depiction of it in Weakness:

Opals are fun because they can symbolise both good luck and bad luck, usually to do with whether it’s your birthstone. There’s something to be said of Haruka’s belief in his ‘misfortune’ and the superstition surrounding these gemstones.

But they are even more interesting for the powers they supposedly have; in medieval times the opal was considered the ‘patron of thieves’ for their ability to grant the wearer invisibility.

There is a deliciously sad irony to Haruka’s theft with that titbit of information.

Now, if this isn’t an opal, and it’s a pearl/mother of pearl there’s still some fun interpretation to be had! A little less sad, even. Pearls invoke strong imagery of the sea, of purity, and of a connection to the maternal. If this is the last thing he has relating to his mother, I can see this necklace representing a lifeline when he’s deep in the ocean. A reminder of why he’s doing all of this killing, and who it’s for.

His mother’s attention (or the idea of having a mother at all, any mother) is his driving force in life.

Speaking of that...

So We Really Need To Talk About That Fish Tank: AKA, Why Haruka’s Mom Wins ‘The Worst Parent of The Year’ Award

This fucking fish tank.

Okay, I’m gonna start by saying: I don’t think this is reading too far into things. When it takes an animation team months, sometimes years to create a 3-5 minute music video, and one as detailed as this...you don’t just wing it. There are storyboards, there are key frames and there are choices made down to the smallest of details.

From the sheer volume of animal/insect/fish décor that resides in the Sakurai household, you bet I’m gonna pay attention to what type of fish are in that fish tank.

For one thing, they live in saltwater. This is a marine tank, aka the harder choice of aquarium to have. I mean, way, WAY harder. For the experienced only.

These fish right here? One is a clownfish, and the other is a yellow boxfish.

Boxfish are a nightmare to keep alive. This article goes into more detail than I will, but all you need to know is: if there was ever a fish out of all the fish you could possibly want in your tank, this is the one to avoid like the plague.

They release deadly toxins when stressed, as a survival instinct. Boom. All your fish are dead. They need to eat a shit ton of food, but are notoriously clumsy swimmers and slow eaters. Boom. Starving, stressed out boxfish. Boxfish either dies from starvation or dies from stress and toxins.

For Haruka’s mom to have not just one of these fuckers, but a tank consisting ONLY OF MULTIPLE BOXFISH AND CLOWNFISH...

This is a high-maintenance tank. And it shows how much time and effort, how much care she puts into the things she loves.

How neglectful she is as a parent of a disabled child in contrast.

There’s something about the last scene between Haruka and his mother that reinforces this for me:

Haruka’s relationship with animals and himself: AKA, “why don’t I just become the damn fish tank?”

Let me backpedal a little bit. This subheading will make sense in a minute.

So, like I said earlier we have a lot of décor in this house relating to insects and fish. We also have a lot of pets. Both living and dead, taxidermized creatures in one household, proudly on display.

I think this may have created some confusion for Haruka regarding the value of animals being alive or dead, as in his perspective his mother values both equally. The fish in a tank may be full of alive creatures, but they’re still on display as if it’s artwork. Isn’t breaking the glass of a framed picture of a fish equal to breaking the glass of a tank with a ‘picture of living fish’?

(This isn’t to say Haruka is clueless to the impact of his actions, nor to justify any harm to animals. I just find the train of thought to be intriguing.)

So when considering these ‘objects’ are proud trophies of his work:

This is a carefully arranged display, which by the way, doesn’t contain a single fish. In fact the only piece of that moment visible here is the...large piece of driftwood? Okay. Keep that in mind.

We proceed into Haruka’s mother opening the door and seeing her son, for the first time in any of the MVs. Note the way they composed this shot:

I’m obsessed with this scene. The blue eye framing Haruka, with a literal fishbowl effect on him...

He is the goddamn fish in the aquarium now. His mother’s full attention is on him and him alone, with only the dead animals, the books, the lamp and the driftwood as window dressing to this wonderful display.

Doesn’t it just scream “Look at me! Look at what I did, mom!” to you?

That blue spotlight is on him once more. He is not just drifting deeper into an endless ocean, but contained in a vessel to be stared at.

One Last Observation

I didn’t know where to fit this in but I think the end feels appropriate.

His clothing here:

Is a frankenstein-esque mash up of clothes from his younger years. He wears this throughout AK&AA, and as I mentioned before it signifies him as an adult. However, I should clarify what I mean here as Haruka says “he thinks he’s 17″ and “doesn’t care about his age”. So... not an adult, but on the cusp of adulthood.

But I think he actually does care about his age, and quite a lot too.

This outfit feels symbolic of refusing to let go of the past, and of himself as a child. He’s literally grown out of his clothing, but he still clings onto it. He’s attached to the past because it not only contains his happiest moments, but the change from being loved to becoming neglected.

As a disabled person, you’re often treated with a lot more forgiveness when you’re younger. That is to say, some people don’t realise that children with disabilities grow up into adults with disabilities. There is a point where even support from medical and social services drops off like a cliff edge once you turn 18.

The ill-fitting clothing in this context becomes more than a reflection on Haruka’s feelings, and extends to reflecting society’s feelings on disabled adults ‘refusing to grow up’.

I don’t blame Haruka for holding onto his childhood like this. He’ll be even less publicly visible and seen once he is no longer a pitiful child, but a ‘weird’ adult in ill-fitting, children’s clothes.

#milgram #haruka sakurai #analysis #weakness #all-knowing and all-agony #symbolism #disability #*drops this onto the fandom like a ton of bricks* hi i'm new here pleasure to meet u #oh man I finally finished it... this is a very (and I mean a VERY) long post asdfghjkl #I'm pretty happy with how it turned out though! I got most of the things I wanted to say and point out down #believe it or not there was actually MORE I could've said but I think tumblr may have crashed on me if I did that lmao #particularly to do with Weakness as I focused more on AK&AA here. but anyways #I love how morally grey everyone is in this series! It makes for some really fun analysis!#it's so so nice seeing a disabled character in such a position too and not just 'is a cinnamon roll' or 'the devil reincarnate' yknow #I debated leaving in the real-world history stuff but I think it sets the tone of my analysis pretty well and shows the importance of--#--haruka's disability not as a justification of his actions but as a vital backdrop to his environment and struggles

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