#so this is based on chronic fatigue mostly

[labmousegirl]

are you disabled or suffer from other chronic conditions that often leave you bed bound? do you often feel like you’re in the “damn bitch you live like this?” meme because cleaning is too exhausting?

my protip is get yourself one of THESE bad boys and hang it by your bed

it’s an over the door shoe rack and the pockets are perfect for holding a lot of household objects.

you can use the pockets to store trash, snacks, meds, and water bottles. if you worry about hygiene, you can also keep some for dry shampoo, deodorant, body wipes, clean undergarments, or toothbrush materials. on good days, you can clean it out and restock it, or have someone else help you. on bad days, you won’t have to worry about getting food and you’ll be able to feel a little better about hygiene.

it’s also really great if you want to keep your hobbies close by!! i can often only work on my bed, and then i have to worry about putting everything away if i have to lay down. if it’s a hobby that has materials that can be stored in the pockets, it can feel more accessible to jump in and out of and take less spoons to set/clean up.

#spoonie #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #disability #tagging for exposure bc i want this tip to get out it helped me a lot #feel like shit today might as well share this tip so i feel sort of productive #worth mentioning i suffer from chronic illness and fatigue that they’re still testing (altho medicating under the assumption of narcolepsy) #but i have trouble sitting and standing for long periods so i spend a lot of time in bed and so whenever my bed gets gross i feel gross #so this is based on chronic fatigue mostly

[wormonastringtime]

henrys hangin out

#dont look at the stool too closely i didnt feel like looking up a reference for sitting in a chair 👍 #for anyone wondering: henricus (left) mostly talks about philosophy. henry (right) answers some of those questions. but henry isnt a super #talkative guy? like he is but not when its something he doesnt know about. like philosophy. so he used to feel overwhelmed by these super #existential and abstract questions. but hes fine with it now. also sometimes henricus will offer to help henry with gardening/potion making #sorting materials/etc but it is henry's job so he has most of it figured out. like he'll accept the help sometimes but he is aware of #henricus's chronic fatigue issues so he makes sure that henricus isnt overworking himself. henry makes it clear that their friendship is no #based in how many favors henricus can do. no matter how guilty henricus may feel about it. #ANYWAY. this has taken me 2 days to post because i cant shut up LOL so heres all the stuff i wanted to say about my guys in the tags #my art #doodle #digital art #colored sketch #<- not really colored but i dont think i have a tag for monochrome #oc tag #henricus #henry

[squirrel-art]

Finished my little compilation of Sav and her mobility aids! ID in alt for each.

Disclaimer that I'm able-bodied & open to criticism about my portrayal! Also I realized belatedly her rollator is parked in a way that would, in fact, not keep it from rolling the fuck around, my bad.

Further details about my design philosophy/Sav's symptoms under the cut.

I played Savtas through Consular Story Chapter 1 in Full Good Girl Mode, saving all the Jedi and using the shielding ritual whenever prompted. The side effects of the rituals are vague and inconsequential in-game so as to make the job of the writers and programmers easier; characters comment worriedly about the fact that you "look tired" and not much else.

Fortunately, I have none of these restrictions. I don't know how to scientifically quantify "life-essence", but in my canon the energy required to create and maintain the shields comes right out of the body of the shielder, and behaves first and foremost like a faster-than-sustainable burning of calories. In the short-term, Sav became dangerously malnourished and fatigued; in the long-term she developed PoTS and what I've been glibly referring to as "Force fibro" in my brain, because the symptoms she experiences are the similar to that of those who suffer from fibromyalgia in real life: chronic pain, chronic fatigue, disordered sleep, and brain fog.

Some of those physical symptoms are ameliorated via use of a mobility aid, so she's tried out a couple different types.

Rollator

Sav's mobility aid of choice, purchased somewhere at the beginning of Ch 2. Sav is prone to dizziness and fatigue, and has less difficulty walking than she does standing for long periods; the rollator helps keep her balance and gives her somewhere to sit for short spells when she needs to.

The wheels do make this device better for navigating flatter and more even ground, but I imagine she can swap the wheels out for all-terrain varieties. I wonder if you could put blades on them like ice skates, to move around on places like Hoth? Well, the brakes wouldn't work, so probably not.

As mentioned in a previous post on my other sideblog, the design and colors are meant to evoke the pillars of the old Jedi Temple on Coruscant. This model is bespoke, created to Savvy's whimsical specifications. It wasn't even that expensive; you'd be surprised how many discounts people are willing to offer a Jedi!

Chair

A gift from the Jedi Council upon her defeat of Terrak Morrhage and the subsequent quelling of the Force plague. It's a more expensive model, and comes with a sturdy stand to rest it on when it's charging or not in use.

Design inspo drawn from both canon sources and the wonderful hermitmoss' hoverchair headcanons post!

I deliberated for a while as to whether Sav would have been given a wheelchair or a hoverchair. I settled on hoverchair mostly because Sav wanted a certain level of independence in her movement, but nobody was sure how long it would take her to regain enough upper body strength to reliably push herself around in a manual chair.

Sav in this image is at the beginning of her recovery, but she does continually make use of her chair after regaining some of her weight and muscle mass. Her rollator became her device of choice over the chair in part because the chair is kind of bulky and heavy, and can't be easily collapsed for transport. She probably has a lighter, more maneuverable transport chair stored on the ship to utilize in a pinch.

Looking at the design of the chair, I am already dissatisfied with it - the seat isn't raked to keep her from sliding out of it, and the control panel should realistically be attached to an extension and not directly under her hand. We'll fix that in the next pass, I think, but for now this drawing is representative of the overall design and colors.

Cane

She's got a few of these! Most have an offset or contour grip because she finds them the most comfortable, and most have adjustable bases.

Her favorite is probably the non-adjustable wooden one she got from a craftsman on Alderaan, the only one she owns made of fully organic materials.

#bonus KOTXX-era Sav reveal in that third image! #i really like this set. wish i could draw it properly #the real boots in-game have the runes on them but i couldn't be bovvered #swtor #mirialan #star wars #star wars the old republic #jedi consular #jedi oc

[thebibliosphere]

hello! sorry for a random ask, but i don’t know who else might be able to answer. i’ve been dealing with chronic pain for almost my entire life and have been struggling to get a diagnosis for almost two decades. i was originally told i just had hypermobile joints, but the pain, fatigue, and GI upset has never been explained to me. my husband has been researching hEDS and wants me to get tested.

the point of this ask is that i’m in a bit of a bind: i’m currently 10 days in to a 17 day study abroad trip in greece and my pain levels are to the point where i’m actively missing parts of the trip that i was extremely excited about. i feel a bit better when i’m walking, but standing in one place makes my body SCREAM and that’s been about 90% of all of our tours. i’m wondering if there might be some kind of mobility aid to help people stand still?

i’ve considered a cane, but since i can walk ok i don’t want to be seen as attention seeking or whatever, especially with the very young group i’m with. i guess it couldn’t look weirder than what i’m doing now (randomly crouching in museums and slowly creaking to my feet when it’s time to move).

i’m sorry is this ask is coming across strangely, you’re just the most open spoony i follow and i thought you might have some ideas.

Oh, friend. I'm so sorry; that really sucks. I know you said you're hesitant to use a cane, but have you considered a seating cane? That might be easier than trying to crouch. Camping seats might also be a good alternative for you just so you can rest. I think you can order from any of the EU-based Amazon stores if there isn't a physical store you can get to. (I know my Greek followers use Amazon.es to buy paperbacks of my books. I don't know what shipping times look like though.)

If anyone makes a stink, you can always just tell them you were injured. That's what I do when I don't want to have to explain my (mostly) invisible disabilities to people.

Also, at night, try to make sure you're supporting your joints with extra pillows. I always find standing very painful the next day if I don't support my hips while I sleep.

Good luck, I hope you can enjoy the rest of your trip.

[steamberrystudio]

03/12/2023

Hey everyone! Time for the bi-weekly tumblr update for Steamberry stuffs!

Summary

Finished editing Chapter 5 (WSC)

Decided an additional chapter was needed to fix pacing/plot stuff.

Received some new BG art (WSC)

Worked on the GS lore book including adding profiles and short stories

Ramble

Okay so in my last update I was in the middle of editing chapter 5 and was nearly to the start of chapter six in editing Asher's route. I finished up chapter 5...

At that point when I was looking ahead, I started feeling like I wanted to add in a transition scene to move between Chapter 5 and Chapter 6.

As I started plotting out this scene, one of my ideas took on a life of its own and I realised that it might be better to interject a new, fleshed out story incident that would allow me to slow the pacing as well as flesh out the setting and universe a little more. This incident would also let me tie into some earlier events and connect them to something that occurs in chapter 6, also foreshadowing the chapter 6 incident.

 Ultimately, this became too much to call a "scene" and I decided to branch it off into a supplementary chapter (IE a chapter a bit shorter than the others and meant to be released along with another chapter.

That is what I've been working on since the last update.

This chapter has now served to set up multiple important things.

And is currently 17000 words long (it's going to end up closer to 25k by the end I think. There is a pretty significant story branch that happens at this point based on a specific player choice (That is or is not available based on other factors). If the choice is available and if the player makes that choice, it leads to an entirely different flow of events for a substantial portion of the chapter. That's what I'm currently working on writing.

I have it plotted out in a very detailed way and just have to write it.

Chapters with heavy branching are always a bit of a doozy to write and the WSC chapters are pretty long in general (the longest chapter is 62,000 words right now). So yeah.

Adding new content is still a part of editing I suppose. At least sometimes. I was so excited to cut 4000 words of content in chapter 5. 

Then I added 17000+ more. So.....

That sounds accurate for me. 😱

I've been having a lot of health struggles the last couple of weeks mostly related to chronic fatigue and pain. That, in addition to some really irritating "real life" stuff. But things are still moving forward.

Current word count is 440,000 words.

Regarding the GS lore book - I've been adding character profiles to a "people" section and have also been working on some of the short stories/drabbles. It's close to 300 pages at this point. 💪

Other Stuff:

As usual, I have received a completed BG and sketch, acquiring the game environments at a steady pace.

Upcoming Weeks:

This is getting into a busy time of year so I have a lot of real life distractions even apart from HEALTH. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 Progress always slows a little for me during this period since we have a lot going on.

But here is the plan.

Try to finish adding the profiles to the lore book. (Noooot sure I will. There are still a lot to go and the formatting for them is tricky. And I'm alternating between adding profiles and finishing writing a few side stories I've had ideas for for a while)

Try to finish chapter 5.5 for WSC

That's all for this week. There should be on more update here before the end of the year. See you then! 💪💪

#whenstarscollide #indie otome #amare game #gilded shadows #updates

[orowyrm]

me a few years ago, developing laz’s origins and such: hm i’m unsure if it’s “right” to have a lot of my main oc’s development center around coming to terms with a sudden onset of chronic pain and fatigue like it absolutely makes sense for his character but i don’t have any chronic illness myself so i’m not sure i’m doing it right. i mean i’m mostly basing it off my own experience yeah but i haven’t been diagnosed with anything and there’s nothing medically “wrong” with me as far as i know, it’s mostly just me being out of shape and not eating right and whatever…

me now, after finally fucking going to the doctor and realizing that i have SEVERAL chronic illnesses that have just gone ignored for nearly a decade because everyone kept telling me to lose weight and eat better instead of taking my symptoms seriously:

#ocs #laz

[nootqueen404]

Eddie Munson HC: Having a Chronically Ill Partner

Yes this is purely self-indulgent, leave me be okay?! Bare in mind that much of this is based on my own experience as someone with multiple chronic illnesses. I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Chronic Anemia, Small Fiber Neuropathy, and Pre-Load Failure.

Even though you knew Eddie was the non-judgmental type, you were still scares to tell him about being disabled. Obviously he wasn't phased.

But on the inside all he can think about is “what can I do? What can I do to help y/n? How can I make their life easier? How can I let them know how much I love them?”

Eddie is best friends with Dustin, so he has a little experience with medical stuff. Part of the reason they are friends is because Jason Carver tripped the freshman on his first day and Eddie seriously though Dustin broke something. Eddie wound up in detention for fighting, but he still snuck out to check on Dustin and leaned about his CCD. The rest is history.

But yeah, Eddie tried to ask Dustin for advice. Dustin just acts like a smart ass and roasts him for assuming he knows anything because you and him are disabled and "must know each other." Eddie panicked and apologized profusely (we know how much he HATES confrontation,) but after he realized they Dustin was fucking with him Ed gives him a massive wedgie.

The internet didn't exist yet, so research is hard to come by. So Eddie does the next best thing - ask his Uncle Wayne for advice (he just reminds his nephew that the library is a thing.)

He probably asks Nancy too because "Hey she's pretty smart." She does help a lot actually, mostly by being the voice of reason and encouraging Eddie to learn from you.

Eddie asks A LOT of questions at first, enough to where he learns about one of the most common symptoms - brainfog and cognitive fatigue. Now he just asks the doctors you see.

Speaking of doctors he acts as your personal chauffeur to all of your appointments, even if you have a drivers license and a car. He knows you're more than capable of driving yourself, he just doesn't want you to put more stress on your body then you need to.

He's also not afraid to speak up on your behalf if a doctor or nurse tries to gaslight you. He remembers early on in your relationship of you coming home an appointment, just sobbing your eyes out about "no one believing you." That lit a fire under his ass.

He's threaten to throw hands with said doctors. But most of the time he just passive aggressive.

You've tried to explain Spoon Theory to him ("Why the fuck is it spoons?!?") So he changed it to a Health Bar, Hit Points, and Mana because he's a giant fucking nerd like that. Honestly it made more sense to both of you.

He's a lot more cautious now when it comes to his dealing, either cutting back on making deals to keep both of you safe, or triple checking the quality of his product. If what he deals could help someone, someone like you, then he knows it needs to be perfect.

When you tell him that some of the stuff he sells can help with your symptoms he makes sure he keeps the really good stuff in a safe place for you. Only the best weed for his baby.

Eddie stocks his kitchen with all of your favorite snacks and drinks, much to the annoyance of his uncle. Wayne bought him a mini fridge just so Eddie wouldn't overstock the main one with nothing but Gatorade.

Eddie is always worried if you're too hot/cold (In my personal case I'm always cold).

Too hot during those grueling summers in Hawkins? BOOM! Kiddie pool! BOOM! Pedialyte popsicles! BOOM! Umbrella!

Too cold? He keeps a bunch of regular and electric blankets in his closet.

You almost never use them because Eddie is a human space heater.

He keeps extra clothes and extra bottles of your meds for you if you don't have the Spoons/HP to drive home.

Could he drive you home? Yeah, but taking care of others is his love language.

You've made fun of him for this, but he keeps a mini cooler in his van filled with water and Gatorade because "you never know."

The pharmacists use to hate Eddie (cuz ya know) and were a little afraid of him with all of the rumors going. But after you two start dating they LOVE him! Whenever either of you need to get medical supplies the old ladies gush about how sweet Eddie is and the old guys try to hire him because he "knows so much" about different prescription medication.

They also give you and Eddie deals on supplies because they know you're both struggling financially.

After a while Wayne let's you sit in his recliner to help with your circulation.

Speaking of which, Wayne also loves you! He's skeptical at first, but all of that goes away after he sees how happy you make Eddie. Plus, he loves that Eddie is now using his dealer status to help people.

Eddie broke his own personal rule: the only people allowed to sit in his throne at Hellfire Club is him...and now you. The others did complain a little, but after Eddie explained your situation they backed down. When you need to shit you’re going to go sit wherever you can.

For your One Year anniversary Eddie gives you your own throne. The other members helped brainstorm and decorate it.

When you start needing a ramp Eddie enlists the help of all of your friends to help build it all. Everyone got a kick out of painting the ramp, but it caused a lot of in-fighting over how it would look. This is another way you bond with Eddie’s Uncle.

Eddie and the others helped you raise money for a motorized wheelchair and/or service animal by doing car washes and Corroded Coffin doing charity gigs.

You thought the crew fighting over the ramp was bad, wait until they get the idea to customize your mobility aid!

Team Eddie's Hot rod flames and skulls vs. Team Erica's Glitter and rainbow stickers.

Whenever you go to concerts with Eddie he makes sure you can have somewhere to sit away from the pit.

If its one of his shows he has you seated right off stage and with one of your friends - usually Steve and Robin. The best seat in the house!

Eddie LOVES bridal carrying you everywhere (Even though it isn't always needed.)

And giving you baths! Some times he’ll even join you! He will sit behind you and wash your hair while you cuddle up against his chest. One word: HEAVEN!

Not a day goes by where Eddie doesn't tell you he loves you for who you are - in sickness and in health.

(NSFW)

Eddie is super cautious during sex now after you passed out one time (I had this happen to be irl. It terrified my boyfriend, but I thought it was hilarious!)

You use the Stop Light Method to check in on each other. Green = keep going, Yellow = slow down, Red = Stop

"Who needs lingerie when you have compression socks?" is a running gag for you two.

Repeats after Eddie: “Hydrate or die-drate!”

Aftercare gets an upgrade in the form of baths together, “post-coitus” salty snacks, and snuggling while watching TV.

#stranger things #eddie munson #stranger things 4 #eddie munson x reader #eddie stranger things #eddie x reader #head canon #eddie munson headcanons #chronic illness #chronically ill #POTS #ehlers danlos syndrome

[evilwriter37]

I am new to writing and I was wondering if you maybe had any advice on how to write a character with a disability from a pre-existing injury? Sorry if this is too direct or uncomfortable

No worries about this kind of question, anon! Always happy to help in this aspect of writing when I have the spoons!

Now, obviously, it all differs based on what kind of injury and where it was, but old injuries in general do have a few basic ways they act. They can cause stiffness, chronic pain in the area, and even chronic fatigue.

Think about whether or not your character would be using a mobility aid. Mobility aids, such as canes, can be helpful for a large variety of things. I mostly use my cane for my fatigue, but I've also used it for a severe knee injury as well. Canes are incredibly useful, but you do have to train a whole new muscle group to use one, mainly the muscles in the shoulder and arm of the side it's being used on. A cane is used on the side opposite of the one that's having issues. I hurt my left knee, so I used my cane with my right hand.

Another thing that can effect old injuries/disability is the weather. Pressure changes can cause soreness and aches in the area of the injury itself, which can in turn increase fatigue.

Now, don't just brush over the character's disability. You don't have to make the whole story about their disability, but it would make sense that it plays a big part in the character's role. After all, getting a disability is life-altering, can be traumatic, and involves a long grieving and acceptance process. The character will probably feel different things about it on different days, but acceptance overall would make them feel better mentally/emotionally. (I know I felt better about myself and my situation after finally accepting I was disabled.)

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. Don't feel shy approaching me if you have more specific questions. I'm honored you came to me! Thank you and I hope this helps!

#asks #writing advice #disability #actually disabled #chronic pain #chronic fatigue

[whump-help-desk]

Not really a whump ask, but medicinal: If I wanted to sneak a laxative into a dinner party's food to cause a distraction, what should I use? Preferably something that works quickly but doesn't kill and is relatively easy to get in pre-industrial times (maybe plant-based)

If you don't answer non-whump questions, that's fine, of course.

No, it's fine! Here you go:

1. Milk of Magnesia

It is not plant-based but Milk of Magnesia is a good option, if you are willing to bend history a little bit (first documented use as a laxative in 1829 by Sir James Murray, patented in 1873. I learned this particular bit on Wikipedia, anyone who knows more can correct me)

Milk of Magnesia is an osmotic/saline purgative that acts by rapid absorption and retention of water into the intestines and stimulating intestinal bowel movements. It is one of the fastest acting laxatives out there. The effects can occur within 2-3 hours of consumption.

Magnesium salts have some side effects like flushing, fall of blood pressure, nausea, lethargy, fatigue, difficulty in breathing. However, these mostly result from chronic consumption.

2. Irritant Laxatives

If you want a natural, plant-based laxative, then you might want to look into the category of irritant laxatives. They act by irritating the colon, promoting bowel movements and increasing fluid and electrolyte secretion within the colonic lumen. However, they take 6-8 hours to show their effects (still faster compared to other laxative groups which generally take 24-72 hours to produce their effects). They also have some nasty side effects (though these may prove to be helpful in the "distraction" you speak of)

Senna alexandrina or simply Senna can cause nausea, abdominal cramps and urine discolouration.

Castor oil is unpalatable, produces frequent abdominal cramps and has a high risk of damaging the intestinal mucosa.

Although not from a plant, this group also includes phenolphthalein (discovered in 1871, so again you would need to bend history a little bit if you want to use this). However, it is highly carcinogenic and cardiotoxic.

So there you go! You can choose which of these laxatives is best suited for your story! Hope this answer helped. Feel free to reach out again if you have doubts.

#whumpblr #writing tips #anon #anonymous #writing #writeblr #writing resource #writing resources #writing tip #whump #whump community #whump writing #writers on tumblr #resource #fic resources #fic resource #resources #answered asks #laxative

[solariized]

hello i give you these https://www.tumblr.com/darubyprincx/728366334890622977/doc-chronic-ilnesspain-that-man-works-too-hard-or?source=share https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLl_i6wjhCIKmeASR5JJ4nsVhgvio4Ughx https://www.tumblr.com/pluralphilza/697662399546851328/docm77?source=share

write as much as you want thoo 2k is a lot :p

hello! i give you this in return!

<3

Doc has to continue to pause in his building to roll his shoulders back and forth. Every time, the mechanical right one clicks. It’s aching where metal meets bone, and he knows eventually it is going to turn into a sharp pain. Hurtful enough that he won’t be able to move it much.

Between all the Decked Out runs, Doc tries to slip into some building as well. He needs to work on the village and water pipe system he is interpreting into the perimeter, after all. But this does mean that he doesn’t spend a lot of time resting, which causes more pain than he would prefer. The thing is, he knows how to deal with it. Mostly with ice, rest, and pain killers. He’s just been so busy lately that he hasn’t had the time to properly care for it. Sometimes it seems like he is in pain more often than not, it’s exhausting.

“You can rest,” A voice chimes in his head, but Doc just ignores it and keeps going with placing his blocks. He wants to finish this build soon and that immediately triumphs over anything else that needs to be done. Doc has always been like that, finish what he needs too and then he can rest.

The village he is building is almost completely wrapped around the base of the perimeter. Doc needs to finish closing it in, and then he has to do a few Decked Out runs in order to better his deck if he wants to even be close to Etho or Hypno’s level. Plus he likes running Decked Out. Tango did an amazing job, paired with the competitiveness in him, and the means to admire a friend's build, Doc enjoys playing D.O.

His arm clicks and hisses near the beginning of his shoulder and Doc sighs. He steps back from his build, taking a moment to think of what to do before he fires off a rocket and heads to his normal resting area. He lands swiftly and marches in, mumbling to himself the whole time. Doc stops to sit down somewhere and turns his attention to the metal arm.

His shoulder really does ache, it’s turning into that sharp pain now. But he refuses to take a genuine break, if he can help it. So Doc gets to work on clicking what needs to be clicked in order to take the arm off of himself. It’s helpful to have, for sure. He’s not left handed, it’s easier to build with both hands, but Doc needs to get it off so the aching stops. He can put it back on when he does his Decked Out runs later.

The metal ticks and pops as it detaches. Doc’s reflexes are a little behind so he doesn’t catch the arm before it falls onto the bench he is sitting on with a loud clunk. He rolls his shoulders back again, enjoying the fact it doesn’t make annoying metal sounds.

“Tired. We should rest.” The voice from earlier sounds again in his head.

“We have things to do,” Doc replies because he knows even if he ignores them, they aren’t going to go away. He’s tried.

Doc’s balance is a little off when he flies off again but he knows how to make up for it at this point. He doesn’t normally take his arm off if he is still working, knowing when to take breaks, things are just busy lately. At least the chilly wind on his face is enough to suppress Doc’s fatigue a little more.

“You’re crazy,” A different voice than last time chimes in.

Doc chuckles as he lands again. He turns to his shulkers, easily grabbing what blocks he needs to place.

A few hours later and he’s just a little closer to finish wrapping the build around. It’s taking longer now that he is an arm down, and the fatigue is getting to him enough that Doc keeps misplacing blocks and not catching it until he steps back to look. Then he has to break them and place them in the correct place. It’s getting tiring at this point.

But, it’s getting near the time where other hermits start doing their runs. And Doc wants to be able to do a few in a row without interruption, so he should finish this first and do a few runs. Then, and only then, can he actually rest.

“Hey dude!” Someone says behind him and Doc feels like he jumps a foot in the air. It’s just Ren though, smiling at him a bit worriedly after Doc’s reaction. “You good?”

Doc’s beating heart calms slightly and he sighs. He turns around completely to have his full attention on his friend. “Yeah, I’m good. What’s up?”

Ren smiles and nods. He clicks his tongue and looks around, eyeing the village he’s currently building. “Just wanted to say hi. The building is coming along nicely!”

“Thanks man. It’s killing me a bit though.” As Doc speaks he stretches out his back. A bit of relief comes from the few pops he hears.

“Yeah, ‘cause we need rest.” He ignores whoever is speaking in his head, so Ren doesn’t witness him talking to himself.

“Why’s that?”

“Well,” Doc starts and he turns back around to look at his build so far. There’s another block to the left that’s out of place that he had missed before. “Only got one hand at the moment. Needa to Decked Out runs after this too.”

Ren hums, “When’s the last time you slept?”

Doc shrugs. He hasn’t been keeping track, but he does know that if he did check his phantom kill count it would be up a few numbers.

“And the last time you took a break?” Ren questions, raising an eyebrow as he crosses his arms.

Again, Doc just shrugs. It’s easy to lose track of time, especially when building.

“Dude,” Ren says, an exasperated laugh tilting his words. “You gotta rest. Not good for you to be working so hard continuously.”

Doc knows this, obviously. Still, he huffs and rolls his eyes as a response.

“I know that shoulder of yours is killin ‘ya.”

Curse Ren for knowing him a little too well. The voices in Doc’s mind begin to agree with Ren, somehow it turns into a chant of sorts to try and get him to go and rest. Doc isn’t the kind to fall into peer pressure, but, well. He’s tired, sue him.

“Fine, fine. I’ll go and rest. But I’m coming back in an hour!”

Ren laughs at him, “Sure dude. See ‘ya soon!”

Ren takes off in a blast of fireworks. He disappears over the edge of the perimeter and Doc watches until he’s gone. Definitely not to procrastinate having to go back and rest. No, no.

After a minute or so of just standing around, Doc unloads his blocks back into the shulkers and flies back over to his home. He unclips his elytra from his back and shrugs it off, hanging it on the wall near the entrance. As soon as his eyes fall onto his bed, Doc’s fatigue hits him a little harder. He decides to not put it off any longer and goes to lay down.

It doesn’t take long before he falls asleep. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on who you are, he does not get up and back to work after an hour. Doc ends up sleeping through the whole night and wakes up feeling more refreshed than he has in awhile.

<3

hopefully i did okay! this is my first time writing doc, and i don’t watch much of his content so i hope i wrote him well enough :3 it was rlly fun to write tho!

#writing #docm77 #rendog #asks

[ididit-allofit-foryou]

@ididit-allofit-foryou masterlist

Hey! Money is becoming a Problem for me right now, so I’m reposting all my links of ways you can help support me (if you want/can)! Even just reblogging this helps! I’m a chronically ill, disabled, trans, and queer person, and I would like to be able to pay rent! Please signal boost if you can! 

MY LINKS

Make a Commission or find my published writing on my website

Buy my short story anthology, my illustrated poetry book, and my most recent poetry book

Buy destiel pins, supernatural prints, and get tarot readings on my Etsy

Follow me on Instagram

Become a patron on Patreon and get extra content and commissions

Buy merch with my art on Redbubble

Watch speed paints, real time drawings, and sketchbook tours on my Youtube

Read my fics on Ao3

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PUBLICATIONS

Studying Sonder: A collection of short stories

This book contains several short stories that cover queer themes, found family, mental health issues, and healing.

Out Pour The Violets

This poetry book includes poems from over the span of six years which cover my trajectory through depression, a messy breakup, healing, and eventually opening back up to love. Each poem has a corresponding illustration, drawn by me as well.

Know Me!!!

This book is filled with poetry that encapsulates my experiences with chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and POTS; my deteriorating relationship with my parents due to their homophobia and bigotry; and my journey to find love (and finally getting that!!). Throughout it all are themes of a deep desire to be known completely and chosen, not despite, but because of everything that I am. 

COMMISSION INFO (prices in USD)

Sketch–$10

Tattoo design– $50-$100 (price will vary depending on amount of detail, etc)

Lineart with (mostly) flat color– $30 base +$ 10/extra character

Profile picture/icon (limit to one character/drawing)– $30 

Character design– $40 +$20/extra character

Cartoon style– $30 + $20/extra character

Painting style (bust)– $50 base + $20/extra character

Painting style (full body)– $80 base + $20/extra character

WHAT I NEED FROM YOU

A detailed description of what you want from the commission

As many reference photos as you can find (the more photos, the better the commission will be)

Your choice of a simple background

WHAT YOU GET

A png file of the finished commission that you can then print but PLEASE DO NOT RESELL

If you post anywhere, please give credit

For more info or to make a commission, DM me or email me at [email protected]

Payment upfront through venmo (preferred) or paypal 

*It can take up to a month to complete the commission, but may be sooner*

#spn #supernatural #destiel #fanart #oc #oc art #dnd #character design #art #digital art #commissions #commissions open #poetry #chronically ill #chronic illness #spoonie #cripplepunk #queer #lgbt #lesbian #trans #nonbinary #trans artist #queer artist #disabled artist

[urbancripple]

How do you balance recognizing that all disabled ppl need support with the fact that you feel left out of disabled spaces? It feels like a lot of the disabled community/groups/etc have become primarily people (if I'm being real, white women mostly) with chronic pain/fatigue, and while I think those ppl are valid and deserve support it can be hard to be left behind in a space that used to have more people like me. Especially considering I'm not even someone who can't work, I have a relatively normal life as far as crip stuff goes, like I've got a regular job and shit I'm just very visibly disabled while doing it. It really feels like the conversation around disability has started to revolve around white women with chronic pain/invisible disability that disrupts the ability to work, which totally is not at all what I'm handling, as someone who needs to (and enjoys) working and is not white nor a woman.

Like I am very glad that those people get support and visibility etc now. I just hate being left in the dust again, first by abled society and then by what used to be my community.

Hi reader who is most likely not the OP! This is going to be a #longpost. If you don't have the time to read the whole thing before responding and instead plan on letting your eyes dance around the text looking for key phrases to misinterpret, please fuck off.

For the rest of you, welcome and enjoy.

"How do you balance recognizing that all disabled ppl need support with the fact that you feel left out of disabled spaces?"

I don't. I can't, really.

I see a lot of the same problems that you mention in your question. A _lot_ of the disabled community in online spaces consists of white, fem-presenting folks talking about ill-defined, often invisible chronic conditions and advocating for better treatment.

To echo your point: this in and of itself is not a bad thing. Folks who fit into this demographic need better representation and help. But it feels like discussion of disability (especially in online spaces) is largely focused on and driven by this demographic. And for folks outside that demographic, it can feel isolating.

I feel isolated by the current discourse around disability. I feel like I cannot connect with the _vast_ majority of people who identify as disabled online. And it's not _just_ because the average internet user is getting younger.

What it means to be disabled has drastically changed in the last decade or so.

I once attended an award show where someone, upon receiving their award, ran up a flight of stairs onto the stage and proceeded to speak about how important the award was to them as a creative, a woman, and a disabled person.

She was talking about her depression.

As a full-blown cripply-ass human being, I struggle to accept or reconcile my very public, very obvious, very unavoidable physical condition with what that person said on stage vs how they literally got on stage.

Am I being a dick? Do I need to do some self reflection? Are my feelings based on a subconscious aversion to change?

Maybe.

On the other hand, these same conferences hold panels on "disability and representation in media" and then refuse to invite (and accommodate) a single wheelchair user. Instead choosing to fill the panel with folks struggling with "invisible disabilities" and/or mental illness. Why? Because folks with very visible disabilities (especially wheelchair users) are often the most complicated and expensive to accommodate (special transportation, flight arrangements, hotels rooms, bathrooms, service animals, etc.,)

It's frankly cheaper and easier to focus on disabilities that leave you access to four limbs and five senses than it is to make sure the folks on your panel represent the as many different disabilities as possible.

Am I saying that other disabilities are invalid? NO. Absolutely not. Get your hands off that fuckin' keyboard and finish reading this before you send an angry note.

Does it make me feel isolated from a community that I used to be very much a part of? Yes.

Does it make it difficult find, much less reach out to and help other wheelchair users? Yes.

Does it make it more difficult to share my experiences as a disabled person online? Yes.

Does it make it harder to try and raise the bar for disabled people in terms of fighting for a better quality of life? Absolutely. Especially when talking about how "living an independent life" means "having a job" and "taking responsibility for your physical well being"

It is incredibly lonely being a visibly disabled person who works full time, pays their bills, cooks, cleans, volunteers, and has a healthy marriage. Because of how disability is discussed online, I don't get to see disabled people _like me_. I don't feel comfortable talking about my experiences as a disabled person online because I know I'll get shouted down and told I don't belong because I'm not actively struggling to work or pay bills or whatever.

It sucks. It hurts. And I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you. If it makes you feel any better, you're more than welcome to talk to me directly about work or whatever. I'd be happy to be that person that you're struggling to find right now. Heaven knows we could all use a little bit of Community right now.

[nonspeakingkiku]

I’m curious, as a fully abled person, how do you interact with the world with your deadblindness? Are there specific things you struggle with more than others, are some days worse than others, can you tell when you’ll have a worse day or a better day?

Feel free to infodump to me I am autistic so I understand how easy it is to accidentally infodump

For Kiku

Kiku has CVI (cortical vision impairment) which is brain based rather than eye based, so Kiku's eyes work okay (other than being nearsighted which means things far off are blurry) and Kiku's brain has trouble processing what Kiku is seeing. Kiku has an easier time getting brain to process things that are familiar and/or brightly colored. Kiku doesn't have good depth perception (determining things like distance, size, ect) and has problems with lower visual field (stuff near the ground especially) and Kiku ofte won't see obstacles on the floor.

Things that aren't brightly colored or familiar are harder to find especially if there is clutter. Also reaching for items is hard because of depth perception. Often will come up short or reach too far. On a good day in a familiar environment Kiku is kind of like a sighted person. Well, a really clumsy sighted person. But on a bad day or in a unfamiliar environment it's ranges from really blurry and visual distortions to a swirl of colors or grey static.

Reading is really hard, especially if Kiku doesn't change font and background colors of text. Black and white with bigger text is readable, but strains Kiku's eyes and causes migraine s, dark background and bright text (so white on black or yellow on black) works better, but reading print is hard no matter the color so Kiku is learning braille.

Movement and bright colors attract Kiku's attention and helps Kiku see unless the object is moving too fast, then Kiku can't see the thing well (bugs are a nightmare).

Dark colored objects on a dark background or light colored objects on a light background are hard to see and will frequently get lost 😅 bright colors on a dark background are easiest to see.

Kiku loses things often, and has been told so many times that can be standing right on top of something and not find it.

Kiku deals with visual fatigue a lot (which eye strain and stuff is part of) and will just stare off because brain and eyes need a break. It looks like disasociation but it's not.

Also because Kiku can't see things coming until they get close, things seem to pop out at Kiku, kind of like jump scares. It's really disorienting. And Kiku has almost walked right into things and people because didn't know they were there.

Kiku thinks that's a good explaination.

As for Kiku's hearing, Kiku won't hear things at times, especially if Kiku isn't aware of something making a sound. And other times (a lot of the times) speech sounds like gibberish and Kiku has trouble determining what sounds are or where they are coming from. This affects Kiku's ability to communicate and can also affect safety if Kiku doesn't hear something important. It mostly affects communication.

Kiku suspects Kiku's deafness is also brain based, so it works similar to Kiku's blindness, some days are better than others.

Kiku can't be seeing things and hearing at the same time. If Kiku is actively focused on seeing Kiku can't hear well. And if Kiku is actively focused on hearing Kiku can't see well.

Kiku needs captions on things Kiku hasn't seen a lot or Kiku can't understand it some times. And other times Kiku can't watch the screen and has to listen. Depends on how Kiku is doing.

Kiku is light and noise sensitive due to chronic migraines.

Kiku hopes this answers your questions ☺️

And feel free to ask if you have any other questions. ☺️

#kiku squeaks #deafblind #deaf #blind #hard of hearing #low vision #CVI #cortical vision impairment #cortical visual impairment #cortical blindness #CAPD #cortical deafness #cortical hearing impairment

[ailani-reillata]

The Acolyte - Chapter Fourteen: The Beast

Oc Centric - Multichapter - 9.7k - Rated T

Summary: The Separatist Crisis has reached its peak. War looms throughout the galaxy, casting a dark, bloody shadow over the thinning ranks of the Jedi Order. The end of civilization has already started. This is the story of Jedi Acolyte Ailani Réillata. Her end has just begun.

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine, Chapter Ten, Chapter Eleven, Chapter Twelve, Chapter Thirteen,

AO3 Version

(Please see the AO3 version for the full list of tags and warnings BEFORE reading.)

———

"The most dangerous beast is the beast within."

The war passed by.

Months came and went with little variation, and sunrises and sunsets melted into each other. Endless orange filled the sky and faces blurred together.

Where she had once felt listless, Ailani now felt firmly planted. Her routine and reality had fallen into place, and normalcy grew in her heart, twisting with horror and sadness. She had little confidence or control, but she did have a routine. 

Wake up. Take stimulants. Play tag with R3. Run around the training room. Attend Senate sessions. Eat lunch with whoever was back on base—usually the 104th but occasionally the 501st. Run around the training room some more. Attend Council meetings. Stretch aching joints. File reports. Call Ahsoka. Eat dinner. Stretch again. Call Wolffe. Talk with Wolffe. Take more stimulants. Go to bed. Dream.

Ailani didn't belong; she would never belong, but she did know. She knew the rules of her day and the rules of her new normal. And she knew that this was all wrong.

The endless echoing of the Senate Arena wracked around Ailani's head, sending her thoughts pinging around the walls of her mind. The headache she had awoken with got worse with every tinny speech, and her body ached with boredom and fatigue. 

Though she had improved dramatically in recent months, wisps of the Virus still haunted her body, as did remnants of her careless tumble. Senate meetings only seemed to worsen the chronic pain; the noise, the lights, and the stupidity were too much to handle. Not even endless stimulants could cure that.

Didn't any of these worthless politicians understand how pointless their petty arguments were? Couldn't any of them see how uselessly they spun in circles? They had the minds of children, unable to perceive the truth for longer than mere moments, blind to reality, and unable to comprehend it.

Now, the war had come here, and still, they were blind. A few blocks from the Senate lay the real war, the true war of humanity, and yet, in this room, the senators debated credits. Something about clones costing too much. How ridiculous. How petty.

Ailani tried and failed to ease the tension on her face, thanking the Force that her expression was hidden under a low hood. She would not be a pretty sight on camera, and it had nothing to do with the bruising that still healed around her face. Ailani knew that she probably looked resentful and bitter, and even if she was those things, the Senate did not have to know. 

None of them even cared what she thought or knew she was alive. Even now, as she accompanied Bail Organa himself, no one noticed her. But then again, no one ever saw her.

Ever since Toydaria, an understanding had grown between her and the politician. Neither of them openly acknowledged it, but whenever Ailani observed the Senate, Bail allowed her a place in his booth, and she was always welcome to join him and his staff for a meal afterward. The light chatter gave her time to review the session and discuss ideas, though Ailani mostly observed. Listening to casual conversations over meals gave her more political insight, for words spoken over soup were less hidden by the lies of the Senate Arena. A good meal made people honest, and true honestly was so rare these days. It was refreshing. 

But not even the warmth of Senator Organa's booth, nor the promise of lunch afterward, could not ease the tension on Ailani's face. At  least not today . She picked at the red ribbons that adorned her arms, fiddling with the soft fabric. 

She kept hearing low growls in every spoken word, and when she closed her eyes, Ailani saw glowing orbs staring back at her—flickers of scales and shades of smoke. 

The Beast of Malastare. 

The very thought of the creature hung over her like a dark cloud, and the furrow in her brows had not eased since its arrival. Why had the Chancellor insisted that they bring the Beast here? Why had they insisted on the open secret of it all? They could have gone to some far-off world in the Outer Rim if they desired secrecy. Yet instead, the Chancellor insisted that they parade the creature out in the open and study it within the capital. How long did they expect that charade to hold? 

Ailani didn't mind secrets. The war was built on them, but this was reckless and foolish. 

Not that she was one to complain about those traits, either. The scars on her back said foolish, and the crack in her ribs said reckless. It had been almost two months since her fall, yet a place in her lower ribs still ached from a hairline fracture—a memory of her mistake that would never fully heal. But when had she ever recovered in the past? When had she ever gotten better? When had she ever been strong enough? This was not new. She was still haunted by the remnants of the Blue Shadow Virus, and she was still chained to Coruscant. None of this was new.

Yet the Republic was supposed to be better than some stupid girl, better than some failure of a Jedi. Her Order was supposed to be better. 

War did not allow for the better.

They had given up so much freedom, and yet Ailani found herself no more secure on Coruscant than she felt on the battlefield with a blaster aimed at her head. Dreams of the Beast had plagued her for two nights now, though it never came to her as an antagonistic force. Instead, she dreamed of its glowing eyes staring into hers. Her lingering form reflected in the Beast's gaze, loneliness mirrored in loneliness.

She wasn't supposed to speak to anyone about the Beast, but the restlessness of her dreams had led Ailani to confide in Wolffe.

Since that night outside the medical center, Wolffe had marked himself as her only companion who knew of prophecy. He hadn't told on her, and he hadn't looked at her like she was crazy. He listened, asked questions, and pulled her back from the deep end. But he had no answers either. So they merely drank coffee on the barracks' roof until the sun rose and tried not to look toward the lab. 

All Ailani knew was that the Order was supposed to be better. Better than her, better than restless dreams. Yet, the Jedi did not speak for themselves anymore. They fell to the law of the Chancellor. And he wanted the Beast on Coruscant.

Even though Master Windu and Anakin had captured the creature in the first place, and even though Master Windu seemed to share Ailani's opinion on freedom and individual rights, none of it mattered. None of it mattered because the Chancellor was above them now. He was above everything. How many emergency powers had they granted him in the past six months alone? How many of their freedoms had they given away? What little power did the Jedi even possess anymore?

Even Anakin didn't seem to care. At least, he seemed to care little in his incident report. The man who treated his droid like a stray cat paid no heed to the Zillo Beast, a sentient creature. But then again, who was Ailani to judge? The Beast had not almost killed her. Perhaps that changed one's mind. 

After her conversation with Wolffe had gone nowhere, Ailani had desired to talk to Rex about the Malastare mission, but the 501st had been so busy lately. And in honesty, Ailani had been afraid. 

Her friendship with Rex and the 501st was not built on deep conversations or personal feelings, rather, their relationship was built solely on their mutual care for Ahsoka. They hid it behind teasing and jokes, but the Padawan had drawn them together, and they had little else in common. At least, Ailani thought they had little else in common. She hadn’t really asked. They hadn’t really asked either. But she liked being included, and she didn't want to ruin it, the same way she ruined everything. 

Ailani shifted her gaze to Senator Organa and found him staring thoughtfully into space. Did he know?

She knew senators liked to talk, and some on the Coruscant Guard may have spilled their guts about the creature's transfer, but Master Adi's network reported no rumors, which, in honesty, worried Ailani even more. How could people not be talking? Didn't they realize what a delicate situation they were in? Had they no sense at all?

Ailani grimaced as she caught the corner of Bail's gaze. He smiled at her in an exhausted, worn way, and she suddenly felt guilty for the senseless words she had been throwing. Senator Organa wasn't like those insults. He wasn't like the rest of the mindless politicians. He wasn't senseless or stupid and…and… 

He must have been the same age as her Father. The thought twisted Ailani's gut. Her Father had been constantly on her mind since Naboo, and even more so since memories of his training had saved her from Cad Bane. 

Bail only made those memories sharper. Streaks of gray in his dark hair, eyes that saw all, and a steady strength like the mountains of Mandalore—Alderaan. She meant Alderaan. Ever since her mind had insisted on the parallel, finding comfort in the House of Alderaan had been easy. The warm chair. The meals. The conversations. The amount of childish ease she felt around Bail was akin to how Ailani felt about some senior members of the Jedi Council, but they had taken years to earn that place in her mind. Bail had made home there in a few months.

Senator Organa wasn't sharp like her Father, and somewhere deep in Ailani's mind, she knew he was nothing like her Father. But his dark hair with streaks of gray and his knowing smile made it easy to pretend. 

Perhaps it was because he expected nothing of her. Though he knew her last name and no doubt recognized the beskar on her belt, he never brought it up. He merely waited and asked questions about Jedi life. But most importantly, he asked Ailani for her opinion. He asked for her observations, her insight. He was not ordering her to watch as the Council did. Instead, he seemed to ask because he wanted her point of view, not some unbiased observation. It felt nice to be asked what she thought, emotions and all. 

Of course, she had found other bright spots, but Bail wasn't like the others. He wasn't a soldier. 

Ahsoka prompted honesty and even jest from Ailani, but the Padawan's actions also left her feeling unbearable pressure as Ahsoka yearned for battlefield approval. 

Barriss and Ailani didn't talk anymore, though Ailani supposed that was mostly her fault. But when they spoke, Barriss greeted Ailani's wounds with compassion, even though the warmth had burned Ailani's heart. 

Rex was a great companion, as were many in the 501st, especially Kix and Fives. Training with them and making light conversations over meals added some light to Ailani's mundane routine. But the group shared a tight bond. And Ailani was outside of it. No matter how hard she tried. She couldn't get it right. Most of them were funny and friendly, but she was just…wrong. 

The Wolfpack was another situation entirely. Where she had once felt so at ease, Ailani could feel a strange strain forming, and she knew it was her fault. 

Something had happened that night after the holocron theft, and it was something she could not repair. None of them ignored her or stopped reaching out, but there was tension, especially with Wolffe. Every joke seemed laced with something deeper and every meal felt like the last. They all seemed to watch her with calculating eyes, picking apart something she didn't understand. 

Sure, they let her sleep in the barracks sometimes because Master Plo insisted that company might ease her nightmares. But that wasn’t kindness, that was duty. The Pack were merely humoring her, letting her sleep in Plo's bunk whenever he slept at the temple.

Boost only helped Ailani upgrade R3 because she was useless on her own, and Comet probably only showed her how to paint armor because he felt pressured to amuse her. Even when kindness and friendship was woven into things, Ailani could feel the strain. They were hiding something from her, something terrible. 

And it was worse when Wolffe was around.

The entire mood of the group shifted, as if every conversation were made of glass. It made her chest tight and her cheeks redden. And it was even worse when she was alone with him. Sparring sent her skin crawling whenever they made contact, and all conversations with him made the pit of her stomach feel hollow. Sharing secrets with him made her heart race painfully, but she couldn't stop. It was unlike the social discomfort she had grown accustomed to, granted by shyness or lack of ability. Instead, this was something entirely new, and Ailani's heart told her that it was something she had caused by showing her cards. 

That night at the medical center would not leave her mind. He looked at her as if he had known her for lifetimes. The way he had seen her. But the seeing felt different in daylight, making her palms sweat and her muscles tighten whenever he was around. But she couldn't stop. She looked at him, and everything spilled like guts in the snow. 

What she wanted was something wholly forbidden. That is what she had thought that night outside the medical center. She had wanted something wholly forbidden. Ailani swallowed hard, pushing the idea below the waves of her heart. 

The point was that conversing with Bail had none of these downfalls. There were no red strings or places to hide. No worries about things becoming too complicated or confusing. He did not push their friendship with overly optimistic or heartfelt words and did not bother Ailani when she wished to be alone.

Bail Organa was simply there. 

Even when she kept secrets from him and lamented over the waves of his hair as she tried to remember the curl of her Father's.

The Zillo Beast returned to Ailani's mind at the mention of secrets, and she pulled herself back to that horror. What was she going to do? How could she keep her mouth shut around Bail? This matter would eventually concern the Senate, that much Ailani was sure of, but if Bail found out from someone else, what would he think of her? 

This was all the Chancellor's fault, Ailani thought. She had compassion for the man due to their shared history, yet that only went so far. War was straining them all, but this felt like reckless abandon. 

She knew something about clone armor, which played a significant role in studying the Beast, specifically its scales, but was Coruscant really the best place to conduct such research? Was it even safe?

And then Ailani remembered Wolffe's helmet from all those months ago, melting and smoking, burning like fire. His armor needed to be stronger. If it were stronger, maybe he wouldn't have—

And she was thinking about Wolffe again.

Ailani melted into her chair, covering her face with her hands. She was hopeless, and this Senate meeting would never end, and she would die here from boredom and overthinking.

At least the overthinking made her less bored.

"Marshal Commander Cody is here for you, ma'am." A voice interrupted Ailani's thoughts. Sheltay Retrac. Bail Organa's aid.

Ailani sighed, rubbing her eyes, "Alright," She said, prying her hands away from her face, before directing a quiet apology to Senator Organa, "Excuse me."

He nodded in understanding, and vaguely, Ailani could see that his eyes looked just as glazed over as she felt. 

Removing herself from the Senate pod, Ailani made her way to the main hall, willing herself not to overthink this as well. She often met with the Marshal Commanders to discuss battalion issues, but Cody…

Marshal Commander Cody was effective, efficient, straightforward, strategic, and intelligent, and most importantly, he did not like Ailani. 

As desperately as she tried to retrace her steps and find a misgiving, his open dislike of her had seemed to appear out of thin air. Their first meeting was slightly cold, but they were under immense pressure then, so it felt... understandable. Yet, every moment they interacted was still stained by that same energy. Straightforward and distasteful. 

And the more Ailani hung around the 501st and the 104th, the more Cody’s distaste seemed to grow. He shot her disappointed looks every time he saw her, and no matter how hard Ahsoka tried, Cody would never say anything more than a basic greeting to Ailani. Once, Cody had come to Wolffe's office in the early hours, and when he saw Ailani sleeping in the spare bunk, he had slammed Wolffe's door shut so hard she swore the ground shook. 

Why would he possibly want to see her now? He almost always left messages in her comm, apparently never wanting to talk in person. Not that she wanted to talk, either.

Commander Cody stood in the hallway, absentmindedly scrolling through a datapad as he awaited her arrival. His armor was clean and shining, the golden lines burning her eyes like harsh sunlight. 

"Good evening," Ailani tried, feigning casualty. Was it even evening yet? How long had she been in the Senate? Her throat felt funny. 

"Is your comm broken?" Cody said, not even acknowledging her greeting. He never had malice in his tone, but there was always an edge—his words short and precise. It made Ailani feel so impossibly small, though that was probably the intent.

She stood up straighter, trying to slip past the implication that she ignored his calls, "I was in a meeting. If you needed me, I would have seen your message after. " 

He didn't respond. Instead, Cody held out the datapad he had been observing and motioned for her to take it. 

"What's this?" Ailani asked, reaching for the device. The last thing she needed was another datapad to stare at for hours on end. Her eyes hurt enough, and the constant headache left by the virus did not help. 

"The murder investigation," Cody said absentmindedly, "Into that Jedi General."

Murder?

Ailani furrowed her brow, confusion filling her features, "I thought that was an accident."

'Accident' was a word Ailani had come to know like the back of her hand. It was an easy excuse for any unexplained incident on the battlefield, and in a galaxy caught between fact and fiction, accidents happened. 

As soon as the words left her mouth, Cody pulled the device away, prying it from Ailani's hands, "Who told you that?"

The mechanical filter on his voice made chills run up Ailani's spine, and she swallowed hard. Oh. Guess she wasn't supposed to know about that. 

Ailani's mind flickered back to last week, eating lunch with Wolffe on the training room floor. Earlier that morning, she had heard something about a Jedi dying during a standard mission, but the lack of details had made the story fuzzy. The military record was clean, so Ailani had asked Wolffe if he knew anything about it.

He had shaken his head, "Some freak accident. Weapons misfire." 

Wolffe had refused to explain beyond that, and Ailani had dropped it to make him happy. 

"No one." Ailani lied, "I just assumed."

Even with his helmet on, Ailani could practically feel Cody's eyes burn into her skull, "Tell Wolffe it's none of his concern."

"I'm not a messenger." She retorted. Too defensive, too fast. She could have kicked herself. 

"But you did hear it from him?" Cody countered. 

Caught. Ailani gritted her teeth and tried to squeeze confidence from her soul, "I don't see how that's any of your concern." 

"My men are my concern." He shoved the datapad back into her arms, the device thudding against her chest. "Indiscretions are my concern."

"I have clearance for matters like this. I'm not a civilian." Ailani said, huffing slightly. 

Who did he think he was? He was constantly pushing, always superior, always better, always knowing. Always. Always. Always. It was almost as if he thought of himself as her Mother—

"I wasn't talking about the report," Cody said—his voice even and deadly cold. 

Ailani felt the blood drain from her face, and all comments and thoughts faded to oblivion. 

Wolffe. Concern. Indiscretion.

Her.

Cody spoke again, but Ailani felt the words wash over her like the tide, "Contact me when the session is done. I want to be there when you bring this before the Council." 

He turned and walked away.

Ailani stood in the hallway, completely frozen. She felt like she had been stripped clean and laid bare, picked apart like some animal on the operating table. 

Indiscretion.

Wolffe.

Concern.

Her.

What could Cody have possibly meant by all of that? How dare he assume…What did Cody know? More importantly, what did he think he knew?

Questions and answers flickered through Ailani's mind before she could name them, and the sickness in her stomach threatened to appear as vomit. The thought of Wolffe made her sick now that Cody's words rang in her head, yet he would not stop appearing in her mind. 

Eyes staring at her outside the medical center. Hands-on hers during training. Ease and strength in his words whenever he spoke to her. And that one time…That one time during a sparring session, she had thought about kissing him. Ailani's mind reeled at the suppressed memory and felt her legs buckle. 

Indiscretion.

She was merely sick that day, and her concussion had overtaken her thoughts, and she was being so emotional, and she had taken too many stimulants and…and….

Indiscretion.

Wolffe had just been so close to her. So close she could feel his breath fan across her face, so close she could hear the shake in his every exhale. He was so warm, and Ailani had been freezing out in the cold for as long as she could remember. 

And she had thought about leaning forward and finally tasting summer thaw. 

But it was only a thought, and she had quickly banished it, stumbling backward and away from him. But she had thought about it. 

In fact, Ailani had thought about it more than once since that night outside the medical center. If she was being completely honest, she may have almost thought about it before then, too, even if she refused to admit it to herself. 

But how could Cody know any of that? Ailani had not admitted that to herself, much less to anyone else. 

A memory resurfaced, that first time she had met Cody. The strange tension between him and Wolffe, the knowing eyes she felt even through his helmet—the tilt of his head. 

"What is he, your older brother or something?" She had asked.

Wolffe was silent before replying, still and observing, "Or something." 

Or something.

Ailani did not have much experience with siblings or even family. But, Master Adi Gallia and Master Stass Allie were cousins, and sometimes, Adi would look at Stass with this expression that Ailani could never name. It wasn't precisely scolding, but it was something close. It was a knowing look that went deeper than familiarity. The look held all the years they had shared together and all the years Master Adi had lived before Stass was born. 

Was that the look Cody and Wolffe shared in the Council room? 

Or something. 

Rex and Ahsoka often spoke highly of Cody, and Ailani knew their bond was like siblings. But Wolffe had never spoken of Cody, much less in a way that would imply they had a close relationship. In fact, Wolffe never spoke much of anyone besides the Pack and Master Plo. Sometimes he talked about Neyo, apparently the two of them were close, but Wolffe never elaborated on those stories. Her and Wolffe’s relationship was built on the present, beyond that…

Well, maybe Wolffe did speak about other people, just not to her. Maybe he talked to all sorts of people about all sorts of things. Maybe he…

A sickening twist hit her gut again, but Ailani ignored it and kept looking for answers that would not come.

The role of Marshal Commander was a complex one. That much was clear to Ailani, but she only recently noticed some of the finer details. The unbalanced relationships they had to navigate. The truth of it had been proven on Khorm when Wolffe buried his nameless brother. A brother. A nameless man. Commanders had to see all other clones as both. Brothers and nameless soldiers. One and the same. 

But was Cody acting as a Commander when he spoke to her, scolding her for getting too close and breaking her code, or was he acting as Wolffe's brother, warning her against ruining his perfect little family? How did he even know? That thought sunk like a stone in her heart. How did he know? What did he know?

Sirens were going off in her head, blinding out all other noise. 

No. No, those sirens weren't in her head. 

Ailani looked up, blinking away her thoughts, and watched the red emergency lights swirl around the chamber. 

She still felt paralyzed into place when suddenly Bail was at her side, "We are being asked to evacuate to the underground shelters." The Senator's face was grave, but he did not look confused or questioning. He accepted reality and sprung into action. He was certain. 

"Why?" Ailani replied, but her legs were already moving to follow the crowd. 

Bail shook his head, the lines in his face deep and shaded, "No idea, it could be anything."

Ailani's mind was still reeling, but she tried to refocus herself. If there was an emergency, she should have been told. Ailani pulled out her comm but saw nothing besides missed calls from Cody. 

Nothing. 

Nothing.

Nothing.

"I need to get back to the temple." She said, shoving the communication device back in her pocket. 

In emergencies, she was always to report to the Council Chambers. That was her safe haven, her shelter. But no one had told her anything. No one had even reached out. If Cody had known anything about this emergency situation, he would not have felt compelled to share. Even worse, it seemed everyone had thought the same. No one had reached out to her. No one had ever considered her. She had been left here to fend for herself in a sea of politicians and their petty affairs. 

Indiscretions. The word sang louder than the alarms. Indiscretions. 

If Cody knew something, did that mean he had told others? Is that why no one had contacted her? Was she being punished?

Bail stopped, touching Ailani's arm gently, "That might not be the best idea."

She knew he wouldn't stop her from going, but the look in his eyes said he desperately wanted to. She would be safe in the shelter; clearly, she was not needed for whatever sent the Senate into an uproar. If she were required, the Council would have contacted her. 

Right?

Indiscretions. 

"I'll be fine," Ailani replied and turned away.

A massive tremor wracked the building before Ailani could reach the main doors. The ground shook, and the walls shivered, straining under weight and movement. 

For a sickening moment, Ailani feared that the entire complex might collapse onto her, but she pushed away the thought, not daring even to debate it. Earthquakes had not wrecked Coruscant for generations, but with all the extra construction maintenance and stress on the planet, it would not be a massive surprise if such disasters started again. Yet, that was a frightening prospect. The core of the Republic crippling under the weight of the capital felt like an omen, or at least, a very unfortunate metaphor. 

At the mention of metaphors, Ailani's mind briefly flickered back to the holocron of prophecy. The holocron she had thought was lost. The holocron that had been safe all along. She had nearly died for the stolen artifact, and it wasn't even the right one. She had chased a memory file containing the names of force-sensitive children. Her holocron had never left the temple.

She had been tricked. 

But by whom? The holocron of the thief?

Since her fall, Ailani found the prophecies within the holocron somewhat lacking. The words seemed less like guiding stars now and more like taunting puzzles, sending her on chases with no real solution. Not that she hated a hunt, Ailani liked the thrill of it all, but something about the orange glow had lost its spark. She was not intent on giving up mysticism and had not lost faith in her dreams, but the holocron felt less like a map and more like a tool. It had not saved her during the chase, which made Ailani feel as if she had been praying to a dead god for months. 

She would rather dedicate herself to the living. Deep brown eyes that saw through her. Hands that brushed hers. Warmth breath and the soft sound of whirling cybernetics.

Ailani burst out the doors of the Senate building, and screams of terror and the smell of desperation and destruction greeted her every sense.

Beings stood around the Senate building, pointing and screaming, running and waving their arms frantically. Ailani followed the trembling hand of one bystander, and the reality of the situation hit her like a brick wall.

The Zillo Beast of Malastare stood in all its glory, slowly reaching the Senate building with booming, decisive steps. Its arms were extended, running and crawling, pulling its massive body forward and crushing anything that stood in its way. 

It was even bigger than Ailani had understood before. No sleeping creature could even allude to the presence and energy that stood before her now. No dream could capture the cold-blooded fear that engulfed her. No nightmare could even come close to how vulnerable and bare she felt before the creature's shadow. 

Ailani was frozen. Her blood was frozen, and her legs were frozen to the ground. Her very soul was frozen.

And the Beast roared. 

For an instant, a mere moment, the fear crawled up her limbs and engulfed her heart, stopping all signs of life in her soul. 

Ailani was awake again, hyper-aware and desperately alert like a hunted animal. She began running. All fear inside of her had been morphed into the primal need to survive. The instincts of prey overtook the body of an Acolyte. The hunted fled with the rest of the desperate pack. 

Crowd control would do little now, yet Ailani fell back onto the rules and regulations she had been raised on. 

Civilians out first.

"Get out of the way!" She shouted, gesturing wildly to the crowds, her heart beating rapidly. So many around her remained trapped in the cold-blooded fear, unable to turn it into drive as she had. "Move, move, move!" Ailani screamed, but her voice was lost in the shrieks of terror and the monster's roar, "Get back!"

Her throat was raw, and no one had even seemed to notice. The beings around her acted recklessly and disorganizedly, tripping over each other as they screamed and yelled senseless things. They were going to get themselves killed. It felt like Ailani and her overworked heart were only out there to watch. They looked just like the senators inside. Senseless, running around unknowing, and only making things worse. They saw the Beast, they saw the horror, and yet all they could respond with was listless fear. 

A man tripped over a child, and the girl's mother screamed at him even as he fled. A different being stood frozen, staring at the crawling creature with cold-blooded terror. Even more, people ran in uncoordinated circles, seemingly caught between two routes for fleeing. 

Where were the Corries? Wasn't this their job? Managing the Senate, looking after the people who gathered outside. Where was everyone? Why was she alone out here?

Ailani eventually found herself directly below the Beast between trembling ground and even shakier legs, watching it crawl up the Senate building above her. 

Gunships were swarming now, their lights focused and blinding the beats, and Ailani knew heavy weaponry was not far behind. She could probably get up there with a speeder. She could help. But where were the Corries? She was not progressing with crowd control down here, but she couldn't just leave these people.

A massive tremor shook the ground as the Beast roared again, cracking windows and breaking walls. Then, there was a sickening creaking from below her feet. 

The ground was breaking. 

The reality of the situation only arrived to Ailani in desperate fragments, shards of thought. She was running before the noise even set into her mind, even before the full distress of the situation revealed itself. 

The Beast had ruined the platform's integrity, made some foundation crack, or pulled one support beam too far out of place. Or perhaps he was just too heavy. They were at the top level of the planet. If the ground below them broke, how many levels would they fall? How far did the damage go? Would they sink to another level or fall into some broken basement? 

Ailani had fallen a level and a half only months ago, and she had been so confident she would die. It had only been through a blessing from the Force that had saved her—a helping hand. 

Deep brown eyes.

These civilians and politicians did not stand a chance, not with their screaming and their trampling, useless legs. 

Ailani was scrambling now, running away from the building and towards the thinning crowds. She screamed out another order, another pleading cry to flee or follow her, but her throat seemed empty now, the words coming out cracked like the ground below her feet. 

The platform behind her was sinking. Even without looking, Ailani could feel the pull of gravity worsen from behind her, and soon, her run became more of a scramble against the leaning ground. 

The woman and her daughter from before were beside Ailani, the Mother carrying her screaming child. Her face was terrified and yet determined. Ailani imagined she must look the same: wild eyes and frantic heart.

The mother tripped. It all happened in slow motion. Her daughter flew from her arms, landing a few feet in front of them, and the woman fell backward, slipping into the ground behind them that was quickly melting. Ailani reached out without thinking, grabbed the woman's sleeve, and pulled her harshly, practically tossing the woman forward and towards her child. The woman caught her daughter, and they rushed forward, not even looking back 

Even that one second had cost Ailani too much time. Her feet stood on moving rocks, slipping and tripping over the fragmented pieces of permacrete as they dropped into the now chasm that grew behind her. 

She was slipping. There was no doubt about it. First, her left leg sank, and her right leg followed. 

She grasped at the ground with her arms, but all forms of purchase were sinking with her, and soon, Ailani's feet dangled in the air, her entire weight balanced on her fingertips. And that, too, sunk down.

And Ailani fell. Again.

The world was covered in shadow.

And Ailani was drowning in it.

It was as if the entire galaxy was covered in an endless dark fog; wherever her eyes went, they were only met with eternal shade. She could barely make out her own trembling hand in front of her face. It was getting hard to breathe, as if the air was now thick with darkness, catching in her throat and choking in her lungs until the void of the universe sat in her chest.

Someone was screaming her name. 

"Ailani!"

The sound was different than it had been every night; however, the voice was lower and…more familiar.

"Ailani!"

Who was that? What did they want?

"Ailani!"

Three times, and then it would be over. She needed this dream to be over. 

But the dream shifted. 

In her dream, Ailani was now seven years old and staring up at the clouded sky. 

Every breath burned through her body, the aching sensation rolling deep into her bones. It was as if her very existence meant pain, as if she had been born for pain and from pain, and nothing else was real beyond that. Nothing else was real beyond the pain. 

The pain and the wind.

The stinging air pricked at cuts on Ailani's face, whipping her hair across her cheeks and pushing at soft skin. The clouds above moved with the quick breeze, the scene above ever-changing and shifting. 

Smoke lines trailed through the sky, waving between cloud and clarity, twisting and shimmering in the daylight.

Smoke lines…

In the back of her mind, Ailani knew that the smoke lines meant something, but it was so hard to think about the ache that consumed her.

Then the yelling started. The call came from far away, too far to understand its meaning, too far to comprehend the words. 

But Ailani didn't need words. She merely needed the yelling.

Her Father was up there. Her Father was yelling. 

Ailani's dark eyes scanned the trees, looking for the shine of his armor. He was up there somewhere, lost in the lush green branches and the endless gray sky. He was somewhere high above her. Somewhere better. Somewhere yelling.

Glimpses of wind and clouds flew through Ailani's hazy mind, the feeling of a summer breeze on her cheeks, the whipping of her hair against her ears. They had been flying. Soaring like starbirds and singing in the wind. She could remember the feeling of flight, the weightlessness of it all, the burning power…

Burning. The word struck a chord in Ailani's tiny heart. Burning. Rising phoenix. Yes. That had been it. They had been training in the ways of the starbird—the rising phoenix.

Jetpacks. They had been flying in their jet packs. Weightless and wonderful and—

She had fallen. 

The yelling was closer now, but Ailani still could not spot his shape in the sky. Where was he? 

Why was he so angry?

She had only fallen. It was an accident. She didn't mean to lose control. It was only an accident. It was a mistake. She had only fallen.

He shouldn't have been so angry. She had tried her best. 

The Father fell into view a few moments later, sailing on wind and cutting through it like mere water. The metal of his helmet gleamed with the moment, reflecting painfully in Ailani's eyes. He seemed to burn with the sun's light, imposing and all-powerful. 

He was still yelling down at her, saying things that didn't make any sense. Every word he said sat outside Ailani's mind, unable to sink in. He must have been speaking Mando'a, a language that had been lost to time in her, a language she had never been able to find again. 

She couldn't move. Her eyes kept staring at him uncomprehendingly. 

It was an accident.

She didn't mean to be bad. 

It was an accident.

He kept yelling at her.

And she couldn't move.

When Ailani's eyes opened, she was met with hazy darkness. Shapes moved about her vision, formless and floating—blobs of light and spots of darkness. Her head pounded, making a thundering beat in the back of her skull. Everything smelled like lavender and orange blossoms. 

What happened?

She was vaguely aware of something on her chest, heavy like her weighted blanket but uncomfortable like a pressing. She was sore, but the feeling was not immediately painful or sharp. She mostly felt slow, restrained in her movements by heavy weights or a tightly wrapped sheet.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Ailani remembered that certain snakes slowly crushed their victims to death by wrapping their bodies carefully around their victims and applying even deadly pressure. Perhaps she was the victim now, and the fatal snake was nothing more than the rubble of Coruscant. 

Rubble. 

That thought made her blink memories forward. She was on Coruscant, and the remnants around her were once a street. She had fallen because of…because of…

The Zillo Beast. 

Ailani's heart jumped into her throat, and she blinked harshly, straining to take in her surroundings. Her vision was still blurred, but as memories entered clarity, so did her surroundings. 

A pile of debris and rubble surrounded her, and many large pieces were laid directly above her. The weight she felt earlier suddenly became heavier with understanding. Her torso and legs were trapped but strangely not crushed. She was merely pinned between the ground and weight that was resting a hairbreadth above her form. 

Ailani felt so dizzy that not even panic could break through the storm of exhaustion, and so she merely pulled and twisted her limbs, tugging her legs and praying for relief, yet none came. Her movements were restrained, and she was stuck. 

Stuck.

She should feel something about that. Anything. Stuck should make her afraid. Stuck should make her worried. Ailani merely felt tired as the foggy memories fell into place and the strange dream faded from thought.

She looked up towards the sky again, blinking clarity into her blurry eyes. For a moment, Ailani swore she could see her Father floating amongst the clouds. One blink, and he was gone.

She hadn't fallen that far, only a few meters, perhaps into some maintenance tunnel, and could still make out the clouded sky. The screaming of civilians had stopped, and though a haze covered the sky, all seemed quiet. Perhaps too quiet. How long had she been out? Was it still night, or was it the next night? If it was already the next night, why had no one found her yet?

Were people even looking for her?

If no one had been concerned enough to tell her that the Zillo Beast had escaped, did they feel concerned enough to look for her corpse? Why had her Father been yelling at her in her dream? Why was everyone always leaving her in the dirt? 

So many people had died during the war, and now, as she lay in the dust, Ailani found herself reflecting on all the faces that had fallen across her desk. Jedi who choked to death on their own blood. Clone troopers who were crushed to death under the feet of walkers. Padawans who snapped their necks falling from skyscrapers. Collateral damage. Everything was collateral damage; everything was merely a cog in the endless blood machine. 

What would her death warrant say? Crushed by rubble. Asphyxiation from swallowing her hot blood. 

Collateral damage. 

Was that what her Father had been yelling about? Did he think she was merely collateral? Even as a child, had she always been this? Her head was swimming between past and present. None of it made sense.

The debris above her creaked, and Ailani suddenly felt more weight descend on her as chunks shifted with gravity. A gasp was pressed from her chest, a horrid and painful sound, shaking a bloody cough from her lungs. The iron against her lips felt cold and sweet, and the taste pulled Ailani to full consciousness. 

The blood meant pain. She still felt none. She should have been in pain. Why wasn't she in pain? Sometimes, her increased use of stimulants made the line between pain and numbness blurred. Perhaps this was one of those moments. How many painkillers had she taken this morning? Or was it yesterday morning? 

She needed to get out of here. 

Why hadn't anyone come looking for her? 

Where was her Father?

Was she alone down here?

For a moment, all Ailani could do was strain against the ground, her weak muscles shaking and her chest heaving against the weight as she pushed at the permacrete. It didn't move. She had to get out of there before the pain set in. She would be useless once the pain set in. Ailani pushed again, yet the debris wouldn't budge. If anything, it only seemed to sink deeper into her chest. 

Briefly, Ailani entertained the idea of reaching for her lightsaber, but her torso was stuck so tightly it would have been impossible to reach her belt. So Ailani let her hands strain against the rubble and heaved in deep breaths. 

She could do this. It wasn't even that much. She wasn't even injured. She should be able to do this. She was pinned, not crushed. She could do this. She should be able to do this. All Jedi can lift stupid rocks. Why couldn't she do this? And why hadn't anyone come for her?

Where was her Father?

Ailani squeezed her eyes shut tight, dismissing the thoughts as she retreated into the depths of her mind. She could do this. She was strong enough now. She was better. She was strong enough. She was strong enough to call if there was a crisis. She was strong enough not to be forgotten below wreckage and rubble. 

Wasn't she?

Ailani took a deep breath and tried to think back to Geonosis, the last time she had felt stable in battle. The first and last time, she had felt capable. Until, of course, even that victory had gone up in sand and smoke. Ailani huffed, forcing herself to focus on her strength and not her failure. 

The Force was strong, strong enough to cover her error. On Geonosis, she had survived against all odds in that arena. She had fought, and she had won. Ailani tried to think back to that feeling, forcing herself to recall it. How easily the Force had flown on that battlefield. How quickly she had taken to it. 

Be with me. Ailani thought. Please be with me. She called out to the Force, straining and searching. 

Yet, when her mind yearned for familiarity and strength, it was not a mantra of lavender and orange blossoms that returned, nor was it the comforting pull of the Force in her gut. Instead, Ailani found her heart sinking into memories of dark eyes and the smell of rain. 

Hands that brushed hers and whispers of understanding below neon signs. Snow caught in her eyelashes and soft blinks that made her face warm. Shaking breaths and lips that had almost touched hers. Warmth that finally granted her rest. 

Wolffe. 

Ailani's eyes shot open, and with the light, she dismissed all thoughts of him. Her hands were shaking. She was shaking. No. No. No. Her heart suddenly felt so overwhelmed that Ailani feared it might burst, exploding in her chest with agony and effort. 

She was pushing again, breathing hard and pressing up against the crumbled street, forcing her body to obey. No. No. No. Her moments were frantic now, pressing desperately against the burden. No. No. No.

Indiscretions.

Cody's face returned to Ailani's mind, staring through her soul and burning holes in her heart. His gaze was melting her, reducing her to ashes, taunting her with whispers and warnings.

Indiscretions.

No. No. No.

Ailani pushed harder, her limbs shaking. Hot tears burned trails down her cheeks, though she couldn't quite place the panic in her heart, nor the reason for tears. She wanted to run. She wanted to cry and scream and hide, and she wanted her legs to carry her so far away she would never see another Coruscant street again. The desire to flee was back, that same hunted animal feeling she possessed on the platform when she first saw the creature. That primal urge to survive and run until one burned up and burned out. 

Brown eyes and hands that met hers. Warmth that glowed like the sun. 

No. No. No. Her heart was beating restlessly against her rib cage, fluttering like a caged bird and tossing wind out of her lungs. 

The rocks above her creaked at her straining, and Ailani channeled her frantic, primal need to survive into every muscle strain. 

"Come on, Ailani." She said to herself, but her voice shook, her arms trembled, and she couldn't stop crying, "Come on."

Even as she tried to ignore the memories, shards of Wolffe replaced the pieces of lavender and fragments of faith she tried to cling to. Warmth she gravitated towards—whispers of breath on her face. Hands tangled in hers. Conversations she memorized. Eyes that saw her and believed in her. 

Believed in her?

Before Ailani could even question the idea, the debris shifted, lifting with her hands, but only mere millimeters. Ailani shuffled her body, pulling herself away and—

Believed in her?

The wreckage fell back down and caught her right leg. Black spots exploded in her visions, and Ailani faltered as a gasp exploded in her throat.

Suddenly, it was as if she was watching her body from the heavens, staring at her form as it struggled against the rocks and rubble. Pulling and straining. 

She had managed to free most of her body but was too slow to finish the job. Not strong enough to hold the rubble any longer. Not good enough to master the strength that the Force granted to its worthy. 

Trapped. Again. Caught by her leg, struggling against the ground. 

Was this what her entire life had looked like from the outside? An endless battle hidden underground where no one else could see. A pathetic fight against the immovable. Small accomplishments and devastating losses stung worse, with the taste of victory lingering on her tongue. So close and yet so far away from everything. So strong and yet never quite strong enough. 

She was hopeless. 

Her Father knew that, even in dreams. How long before Wolffe knew that, too? What circle of hell had she trapped herself in now? How did she always end up here? Scrapping at the ground, desperate to prove herself and utterly unable. 

Ailani's mind wandered back to places she had tried to forget, moments she had twisted and broken in her mind. Rain against her face. Her small hands grasped a hunting knife. Bloody knuckles and a Father who was proud but never quite proud enough. Cold as beskar and twice as strong. 

Her original failure. 

Her failure as a daughter. 

Had she ever stopped living in that place? That forest where she trained for a verd'goten that would never come. Practiced skills and painful lessons she had tried to forget. Her Father was a good man. She wanted to remember him the way she remembered lavender and orange blossoms. She wanted to know only of the warmth she felt in his arms and the wonderful glint of joy that whispered in his eyes. 

She wanted to remember that. She wanted to remember him like Bail Organa. She wanted to remember him warm and kind.

Yet, trapped below stacks of streets and crumbled buildings, Ailani could only remember the man who had taught her that she could be strong, stronger than all who came before, stronger than all who would come after, but she could never be strong enough. 

In her mind, he kept yelling at her. 

Ailani pulled her leg again, the fabric of her pants digging into her skin and rubbing below the weight of rock and stone. Hot tears were running down her face. Her leg would not move. She felt no pain, no pull, no strain of her muscle, but she did feel eight years old again, lost in the woods and out of her depth. The anger and frustration she felt suddenly became replaced with a horrible sense of pity and great sadness, and as she looked down at her body, all Ailani saw was a child crying for help.

Weren't adults supposed to help? Weren't people bigger than her, stronger and smarter than her, supposed to help? How did she always end up alone in these pits of despair? Why hadn't anyone looked after her the way she had needed them to? The girl she had been, didn't that child deserve a shoulder to lean on? 

Wolffe came back to her mind, and all at once, Ailani melted into uncontrollable sobs. The exhaustion and the ache and the hurt were all-consuming.

The training sessions, the conversations between meals, the shoulder she had cried on. She had wanted those things her entire life. It had taken twenty-two years for someone to look at her and know exactly what her heart had been begging for. 

Brown eyes bored into hers, and the neon lights of Coruscant reflected against his face. 

And he had seen her.

Ailani knew that she needed him more than she had needed anyone else before. The need in her heart had a different name, a more dangerous name. And she almost called it love. The instant rejection of the word and denial in her mind made Ailani cry all the more.

By the time Ailani had stopped crying, her trapped leg had gone numb. All tingling sensations and aching were gone from her nerves, but she could hardly care. It didn't hurt. It just felt heavy and useless. She felt much the same. 

Her hands trembled too heavily to use her lightsaber, and even attempting to turn it on had failed. The metal merely clattered in her hands as she uselessly and weakly pressed buttons. Maybe the Force had left her, and the kyber refused to respond, or perhaps she was too weak to press a hairpin trigger. 

Maybe the Force hadn't left her. Perhaps she had left the Force. The beskar seemed mocking as her dream lingered. Or perhaps the cold of the depths was starting to show its teeth. 

How could she let herself need Wolffe? How could she have replaced that memory of lavender and strength with the deep color of his eyes? Had she forgotten herself completely? She lay numbly on the ground, staring at the beskar blade beside her.

Useless. Utterly useless. What would her Father think of her now? Ailani wasn't sure she even knew what she thought of herself anymore. What was there to think of? What horrid trait or terrible misstep was worthy of even pondering?

Love.

How could she even think that word? How could she even let her mind imagine such a horrid thing? Beyond the code, how could she even let herself pretend that someone had looked at her with…People didn't look at Ailani with love. Not the kind of seeing love she was describing. People tolerated Ailani. She amused them. But people didn't love Ailani.

In history books, love, all-seeing love, all-consuming love, the kind of love she wanted was the kind of thing people started wars over. Love is what drove beings mad. Love was bloody enough to stain the galaxy six times over.

And yet…

Wolffe believed in her. At least, Ailani thought he might. For Wolffe had let her rest when the entire galaxy had forced her into endless strain. She wanted to love him for it.

There was stirring in the distance, and Ailani peeled herself from the ground to meet the sounds: shuffling feet and mechanical voices. Ailani felt her heart leap into her throat, and she screamed before knowing what she wanted to say. The sound was strangled and raw, but instantly, she knew it was heard.

Flashlights turned a corner and shined in her eyes, sending bright spots and floating dust through her vision. Instinctively, Ailani raised a hand to shield her face. The figure moved towards her, haloed by light. For a sickening moment, Ailani's heart hoped it was her Father, and even worse, her mind hoped it was Wolffe.

It was neither. 

Red markings. The symbol of the Senate. 

"Fox!" Ailani screamed, though she did not even know he was with them. Her voice was shrill and desperate, searching for the sight of his familiar helmet. "Help me, help me get this thing off of me, please help me—" Her words fell from her lips like water, disjointed and desperate. She pressed uselessly against the rocks, bloody hands slipping on the dirt frantically. 

The lights grew closer, and suddenly, Ailani found herself surrounded by the bright glow of their helmet lights and the crimson red of armor. 

They sprung into action instantly. 

As her eyes adjusted, Ailani found that her instincts had been correct, and the known markings of Fox's armor faded into view, slipping past the tears and dirt that covered her face. A few other guard members accompanied him, but names did not enter Ailani's mind at the sight of them.

Their armor was shrouded in an equal layer of grime and blood, and some pieces of their gear had even been removed. 

How long had she been out? 

Someone came up beside her face, shining a light in her eyes and asking questions she couldn't comprehend. Are you okay? Are you awake? Can you tell me your name? Do you know your name? Do you—

The remainder of the guard crouched beside her trapped leg, observing the situation with blinking lights and strange devices. Their evaluation was only seconds but felt like endless, grueling years.

Help me. Help me. Help me.

Ailani found she was still crying and prayed that the dust on her face hid it. 

"On three." She heard Fox say, and her heart did backflips in her chest. 

Her breath was trembling. 

"One."

She thought about deep brown eyes staring into hers. 

"Two."

Her hands were shaking.

"Three."

They lifted, and Ailani instantly ripped her leg from under the rubble. She scrambled away, her hands grasping and scraping against the ground as she fled from the wreckage and her saviors. 

She didn't feel thankful. She didn't feel free. She didn't feel safe. 

Despite removing the physical weight, Ailani found every breath she gasped in was heavy and staggered, trapped between her throat and her lungs. Stuck somewhere inside her heart, wedged between her ribs. 

The word love came to mind again. 

The heaviness turned to heaving. She was writhing against the ground, dirt, and dust sticking to her wet lips and clinging to her face as she tossed and coughed relentlessly.

What an awful thing, Ailani thought, to realize that you need someone.

#ailani réillata #writings #begged and borrowed time

[folkshroom]

hi! so i’m a native, disabled, autistic, DID system who recently moved out with my partner! moving is extra expensive and my cat alone is going to cost us about $350 to bring and get supplies for! (he also needs lysine bc yes even my cat is chronically ill)

if you want to help out but can’t afford something, we can work out a price that works for you <3

pricing and payment info is under the cut !

$5 3-card tarot spread: good for predicting the outcome of a situation you’re considering, giving advice on the multiple paths that are open to you! (good for more specific, tangible information)

$5 3-card oracle spread: good for predicting the outcome of a situation you’re considering, giving advice on the multiple paths that are open to you! (good for emotional decisions/struggles)

$10 past life tarot spread: a ~4 paragraph past-life reading to give a look into one of your past lives! (more specifically detailed based on the path of one specific past life)

$12 *big 3 natal chart analysis: an in-depth analysis of your Sun, Moon, and Rising signs, and how they influence each other in your chart!

$18 *big 6 natal chart analysis: an in-depth analysis of your Sun, Moon, Rising, Mercury, Venus, and Mars signs and how they influence each other in your chart!

$25 *full in-depth natal chart analysis: an in-depth analysis of every aspect of your birth chart!

$40 Couple’s Birth Chart Compatibility Analysis: this is an in depth analysis of how all the aspects of you and your partners charts interact with each other, and provide a little insight on the relationship! i need the info listed in the Birth Chart Analysis for both partners, as well as names and pronouns!

$10 spell commissions: small-scale spell commissions, for things like money, sleep, self love, etc! *must provide a small amount of personal information, such as a name and birth date to make sure the spell is directed your way (may be a chosen name rather than legal/identifying, whatever resonates and feels the most like YOU.* (price is based on the cost of materials as well as the physical and mental energy the spell will require!)

$5 sigil commissions: i can make a few different versions of a sigil for a specific purpose to use however you want! 

*must provide your birth date, birth time, and location of birth

cashapp (preferred): $bat98

paypal

venmo: rosycalf

*please bear in mind i am disabled, moving, and working 4 days a week**, so i do ask for your patience when waiting on a commission!*

**i have moved down my hours at work to help my pain and fatigue from my disabilities and to ease mental strain.

due to this, (i’m taking a pretty noticeable pay cut, but my other choice is severe burnout and mental/physical strain and damage) all commissions are open and appreciated, though i will ask you be lenient with how quickly commissions are finished, (mostly the longer ones, card readings are usually same-day or next day) as i still don’t have a functioning laptop (and likely won’t for the foreseeable future since i just had to replace my alternator for over $400 🙃)

[selfpositiveundertale]

Hey. Vent post and update. Not a happy post.

I'm not okay. I don't know when or if I will be okay. My health seems to be getting worse. I'm having a problem that, going from the symptoms, seems a lot like hypoglycemia, but my most recent blood work says I am not diabetic or prediabetic and everything looked normal. As I understand it, hypoglycemia without diabetes is a rare condition, but with my luck and my medical history I would not be surprised. I'm needing to eat more and more frequently and it seems like the specific types of food that were helping to keep the problems at bay just aren't as effective anymore, and now I can barely even tell what specific thing I need to eat. Do I need protein? Do I need greens? Do I need complex carbs? Do I need sugar? Who knows! Not me! I just have to guess and hope I guess right, or else my body is going to throw a fit about it and give me a matter of minutes to consume the Correct Thing before it just makes me go to sleep.

I dare not stray outside my list of safe foods, and by safe foods I mean foods that won't make my issues worse. Most candy, soda, white bread, anything with a lot of simple carbs or refined sugars is out of the question if I want to stay awake, upright, and functional, with few exceptions. Even honey, eating fruit, plant based protein, most vegetables besides dark leafy greens and potatoes and sweet potatoes, and things like white rice or bread that's been enriched with nutrients, at best does no good and at worst makes me feel like I'm going to keel over, which really sucks because my ultimate comfort food is soup beans and cornbread, and if I could eat that to get me through the day I would. The only things I can at least somewhat rely on are animal protein(preferably red meat but seafood, poultry, or eggs will do in a pinch, and whey protein is a last resort), dark leafy greens(kale, collard greens, that kind of thing), fruit juice(MUST be 100% juice) or fruit smoothies, and complex carbs(mostly whole grains, potatoes, and sweet potatoes, but oat milk works for a quick fix).

I'm trying to find solutions and work around this whole thing so I can go on with my life. I'm baking a lot of whole grain cornbread these days because it's easy to make and is the perfect thing when I need my carbs. I might need to invest in a bulk amount of beef jerky. I had been getting bulk amounts of cans of apple juice online but that's been harder to get in recent weeks so I've just been getting a 90-something-oz jug of grape juice from the store instead. My therapist suggested I start making green smoothies rather than just eating my greens cooked, so I might start getting my greenery in that way. Throwing the green stuff into the blender with some oat milk, chopped fruit, and a scoop of whey protein powder might make my life easier. I'll also discuss it with my chiropractor when I see him later this week, as he is a licensed nutritionist and can probably help me figure something out.

I'm so dang sick of being tired or hungry or both 24/7 and my body being like a fuel inefficient car that guzzles a whole tank of gas just to get you to the other side of town. If I go longer than an hour or so without eating or if I eat the wrong thing, I start getting hit by fatigue, dizziness, headache, shakiness, confusion, blurring vision, weakness, stuttering or slurred speech, and it'll get worse until I either eat something or fall asleep. If I fall asleep, I usually at least wake up with just enough strength to get something small and quick into my system and give myself the energy to think of what I need to do next.

I don't know what this is or why it's happening. I find myself wondering if it could be related to my fibromyalgia, or a long term side effect from when I caught covid a year or two ago, or if I've messed up my liver by taking Excedrin Migraine for the chronic headaches I've had since 2011, or if I'm alone in this. I haven't met anyone else dealing with this exact thing. Every time I go a-googling, I only ever find articles about diabetes and I want to scream BUT I DON'T HAVE THAT SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? They say a problem well defined is half solved, but what can you do about it when you don't even have the resources to define the problem?

I have cried so much in the last week or so because I'm so frustrated with this. It's ruining everything in my life. I can't complete my personal responsibilities, I can't keep up with most of my friends except for the small handful of my very closest friends, I haven't been active on here in ages, haven't been able to get any crochet work done, barely been able to practice any self care beyond eating whatever I have the strength to put together, and I'm starting to lose sight of the point of existing if it has to be in a body that hurts all the time and can't hold onto fuel. I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm lost, and it's getting harder and harder to not lose hope. I'm really trying to hang in there, but it's so hard.

I don't know what to do anymore.

It's after 2am, so I think I'll stop there and try to get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better. One can hope.

Stay determined. I'm trying to.