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angstyaches · 3 years

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hello! can we get the trope where the sickee starts crying over something trivial and that’s how everyone realises they’re sick, except : it’s shayne, who is extremely stressed out and/or just having a bad day tm and he just?? starts crying?? over something v small?? and charlie and rin are going ???? is he okay?? and then they take care of him. thanks!🍄

Hi and welcome to Carried Away Inc., where I’m the founder and CEO. I decided to flesh this out and let the babies talk about college and stuff. All happens after the exams and grad ball, but before they receive their exam results and college offers.

CW: references to past trauma and disordered eating, anxiety, crying, angst (comfort will be in Part Two)

PART ONE OF TWO

The chair didn’t have a back, so Shayne’s shoulders were pressed against the wall. The music in the shopping centre had turned to complete white noise at this point, blending in with the sounds of customers shuffling about, hangers being slid onto railings, cash registers clicking open and shut. The worst of all was the sound of toddlers whining for the justified reason of being torn away from their cartoons and toys, only to be dragged about town for hours, with only the promise of a shitty balloon and a Burger King at the end of the day.

He hadn’t realised how hard he’d been clenching his jaw until it suddenly popped inside his head, making his back teeth grind and slip. He sank forward on the stool and cradled the side of his face in his hand, begging the ache not to travel deeper into his head. He already had so much tension in his stomach and chest that breathing had grown uncomfortable, though he hadn’t realised it had gotten quite so bad until he was left alone outside the changing rooms.

His heart was pounding, and his limbs tingled with adrenaline, like he was running away from something he couldn’t see.

There were less than twenty-four hours to go until the first round of college offers went out, and although they were freaking out too, Charlie and Rin seemed to be able to keep themselves occupied. The shopping trip was supposed to be about getting ready to leave for college, but Shayne suspected it was a distraction.

Fuck, there it went; the tension in his jaw sprouted lightning bolts of pain through his skull at the thought of what would happen the following morning. The Aldridges had promised the same thing to him that they’d offered to Felix and Elliott in the past; financial and familial aid for as long as he was in formal education. The way Ryan had mentioned it, it seemed as though it was a given. As though him going to college was a given.

But what if there was no offer?

Shayne had to bite his lip to keep it from trembling. The knots in his stomach seemed to bunch up tighter. If the Aldridges would only help and support him if he got into college, there would be nothing to stop the Devines getting their (literal) claws back in him.

“Hey, what do you think of these?” Charlie asked, suddenly appearing from around the corner without his jacket and without his shoes.

God, he’s perfect, Shayne thought, swallowing hard against the pain in his throat and his chest. That should have been your first hint. Nice things aren’t for you. You’re good for one thing and one thing only and that’s –

“I wasn’t sure of the colour at first, but they’re growing on me.”

Shayne realised Charlie was asking about the light blue jeans he was wearing, with the red cardboard tag still attached. He was also trying on a navy-blue knitted cardigan, with two of the four buttons closed, but by the way he was glancing down at his legs and twisting his calves in different directions, he was asking specifically about the jeans.

“Yeah, they’re alright,” Shayne said quietly, sitting up and releasing the hold on his jaw.

“Only ‘alright’?” Charlie turned to the side to examine himself in the full-length mirror at the end of the row of fitting rooms. “Is that code? Does that mean you hate them?”

“What?” Something twisted in Shayne’s gut at the quiet despair buried in Charlie’s tone. It was like the dark feelings inside him were creeping out and infecting his friends. “No, I just – I’ve worn the same outfit every weekend for the last three years, Charlie. I’m not exactly qualified for this.”

“I know what you mean,” Charlie admitted, his palms grazing gently over the thighs of the stiff jeans. “That’s sort of why I wanted to get some new stuff for college. Re-invent myself a bit. Can’t be the hoodie guy forever, I guess.”

“I like your hoodies,” Shayne mumbled, without really meaning to.

“I know you do.” There was a warm smile on Charlie’s face, and it made Shayne wince internally. “But if I’m wearing them less, it means you can wear them more.”

The feeling in his stomach was far from the light, fluffy sensation he used to get from Charlie’s smile. Are you going to leave your hoodies with me, Charlie? When you go off to college and I go back to -?

“Charlie Bear, you look so cute!” Rin gasped, appearing on the opposite corner. She was trying on a pair of floral pants and a blouse, and her hair seemed to have fallen loose while she’d been changing. She looked more like a young teacher than a student about to start college.

Charlie saw her in the mirror and turned around. “God, so do you. I never thought I’d see you in any pattern other than stripes.”

“Hey, shut up,” Rin laughed. “I never thought I’d see you without scuffed Converse and a hoodie.”

Charlie glanced at Shayne. “That’s literally what we were just saying, huh?”

“Yeah,” Shayne nodded. He awkwardly got to his feet, so as not to be the only one of them that was sitting down. He shifted his shoulders inside his leather jacket, suddenly conscious of the fact that they could also have been calling him out on his predictable fashion choices, but weren’t.

“I’m still not sure about the light blue denim with the cardigan,” Charlie mused.

Shayne cleared his throat, panic building up in his head the longer he stood there without saying anything. “If you like them, you should get them.”

Charlie frowned, despite the look of pleasant surprise on his face. “What? Just the jeans, or do you mean the cardigan, too?”

Shayne shrugged. “Both.”

“I think so, too,” Rin said, folding her arms as she watched Charlie turn back to the mirror. “Add a little pair of brown boots, and you’ll look like a cowboy-slash-bookshop worker.”

Shayne heard Charlie laugh, but didn’t quite catch what he said back to Rin. He felt his stomach growl quietly, untying itself from one knot and immediately twisting into another in the opposite direct. His throat didn’t seem to want to let him swallow.

Fuck. Why did he feel so lonely right now? He’d been alone for years, never even entertaining the notion of friends, never mind a boyfriend too (the word still made his insides quiver), and maybe he’d have been better off without either. When he’d had nobody, it was easier to accept the fact that he’d never make it out into the real world.

When he’d had nobody, he didn’t have to think about anybody leaving him behind.

“Sorry, Shayne, we’re taking forever; you must be so bored,” Rin said, catching his attention by picking up a baseball cap that someone had left on the opposite seat, tag still attached.

Shayne’s spine stiffened. Rin placed the cap on his head, smiling at him as she finished tugging it gently into place.

“We should find somewhere to eat, once we finish up here,” she suggested. “Are you hungry?”

The back of Shayne’s neck prickled, as though Madelyn were already standing right behind him, cold fingers clutching his shoulder as her words moved breathlessly past his ear.

Are you hungry, you useless little runt? Isn’t it about time you put your existence to good use? Shouldn’t you stop draining the world of things that aren’t meant for you? Why can’t you be more like your mother?

He wasn’t sure why he had put a hand over his own mouth, until he felt the tension squeezing his throat, and then he was glad of it, because the scream died behind his palm before he could voice it. His stomach rolled, stopping just short of making him gag.

You haven’t stopped eating since you were born.

“Shayne? Babe?”

Are you still hungry, Shayne?

The screaming in his head tapered down his throat, making his ears ring, and all that made it past his lips was a simple, “No.”

He grabbed the cap by the peak and flung it back at the seat.

The motion was so quick and unexpected that Rin took a step back from him. In the quiet seconds that followed, Shayne got the feeling he’d stuck a needle in the air and let something leak out of it. Something important. Something he didn’t have a grasp on because it was for fun, normal people, and he was never going to be fun or normal.

He swallowed, trying to ignore the ache spreading through the pit of his stomach as he glanced down at the ground, sensing Charlie and Rin watching him. His jaw was twinging as his teeth began to clench together.

“Shayne?” Charlie asked softly.

“What?” The tone of his own voice took Shayne by surprise, and so did the tears that he felt drop from his chin.

“What’s – what’s wrong, lovely?”

“I don’t want to go back.”

The undiluted confusion and worry that had suddenly drained the excitement from Charlie and Rin was enough to make Shayne’s ears start to ring again. He could barely believe he’d said the words out loud, and he couldn’t imagine what they’d sounded like outside of his own thoughts.

“Go... go back where?” There was pain in Rin’s voice, like her words were being wrung out of her. “All I - all I asked was if you wanted to go for food.”

Shayne sighed shakily and wiped at the tears that had already streaked his face. He took a step back, ears ringing again, craving space between him and his friends. “I’m n-not hungry, so, um – I’ll just – I’ll catch up with you later.”

Tears started welling in his eyes again as he turned to leave. He heard Charlie say his name, and then Rin telling Charlie he couldn’t leave the shop in the clothes he was trying on, and then his friends fizzled out into white noise and blurry white lights and you’re good for one thing and one thing only -

#okay okay that was mean #Part Two will be later this week #probably #angst fic #sickfic #angsty fic #angsty Shayne #stomach ache #stress #sad boys #sick boys #my OCs #whump #emotional whump #disordered eating #trauma

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tarotbytya · 3 years

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Pluto Retrograde in Capricorn (April 27-Oct 5)

Pluto is one of the most intense and powerful planets circling the universe. Pluto’s energy is honestly necessary, especially when it comes to making changes and evolving.This retrograde is forcing us to focus on our own personal shadow sides, specifically, the negative parts of ourselves that we may not really like or want to change. We’re focusing on our deepest selves, transformation and our subconscious and two important themes that Pluto highlights is power and desire. During this retrograde, be honest with yourself about how much you’re motivated by a need for recognition, money and authority.

When Pluto retrogrades we are given the opportunity to dig deep below surface level to better acquaint ourselves with our subconscious. Pluto is a slow-moving planet so transits from Pluto to a natal planet could last up to 3 years or more. Because of this, this is one main reasons that Pluto Retrograde are important. Pluto’s movement can dominate entire years of our lives and if one of our natal planets is caught in the cross-hairs of Pluto's retrograde stations, these effects could be intense. During Pluto’s retrograde, we strive to gain clarity on the things that are no longer working for us, so we can release them and move forward as an new and improved version of ourselves. We can either put in the work necessary to transform during this retrograde or end up stuck in a rut. Since this retrograde is occurring in Capricorn, we’re being ask to deal with matters involving karma, structure, and stability—both on a personal and collective levels. You could be more focused on career and status-oriented right now but you should feel eager to get rid of any obstacles that are preventing you from moving forward professionally. Change is on the horizon, whether we’re ready to embrace it or not.

Natal Pluto Retrograde

Natal Pluto Retrograde has karmic repercussions and a noticeable influence.

With natal Pluto Retrograde, you may have difficulty transforming your life due to the fear of letting go. This internalization process of retrogrades can slow you down while bringing your intense drives and needs to the surface. You will probably have difficulty expressing your personal power and influence.

Fear of being controlled or of taking control can stem from past life experiences involving abuse of power or being overly controlled. Depending on the particular past life conditions, you may have a fear of death, poverty, manipulation, torture, imprisonment, being committed to a mental institution, exile, or betrayal. Power and control issues may also involve psychic realms, sex, and inheritance.

For such reasons, you can be very intense on the inside, secretive, or a control freak. Past life conditioning can repeat, especially while young, in the form of compulsions, phobias, isolation, or mistrust of family. You may develop strong psychic power as a result of internalizing your powerful drives and wish for power and success. Hiding your true desire for power and influence can lead to suspicion.

Pluto retrograde in your natal chart subjects you to many fated events that are aimed at bringing your deepest and darkest fears to the surface. A repeating theme of particular experiences will continue until you learn to safely express your inner power and intensity.

Pluto Retrograde & The Signs

Some signs will have an easier time during this retrograde than others. Scorpio and Capricorn will feel this energy very closely—the vibrations from it are ones they’re used to working with. This can be to their benefit. As a mutable sign, Pisces shouldn’t have much of a problem going along with this transformative period.

Virgos are always down for a challenge, especially if it means things can be improved or fixed! Geminis and Leos are most likely be the ones to be thrown off balance. Aries and Tauruses may feel tested, while Cancers, Libras, Sagittarius’, and Aquarius’ will want to take things in stride.

Aries:

You’re known for loving your freedom but this Retrograde is asking you to take a deeper look at what that actually means. If you’ve been avoiding making certain career moves or you’re afraid of being tied down to your profession, the universe could have something to say. A professional opportunity could be coming your way. Make sure you are using this time to figure out how to reach your full professional potential. Responsibility can be scary, but it is braver to face it head-on, rather than run from it.

Taurus:

Security and stability are important to you. This retrograde is asking you to switch and mix things up in ways you’re not always prepared for. Relationships or jobs may fall to the wayside but the opportunity for internal growth is endless. For others, embracing a childhood dream or taking classes on a subject that you always wanted to learn about will boost your spirit to the next level.

Gemini

Your relationships might feel a little intense during this retrograde. Others may be going ghost or hermit mode but you’ll want to talk openly about your feelings. Although, it could be difficult giving others their space, especially when you’re in the mood to connect, but try not to take it personally. Remember everyone could be sorting through their own emotions, and sometimes it comes at the cost of detachment and isolation. Instead, try to schedule some time for yourself, and don’t be afraid to release people or situations that are no longer serving you. For others, you could be taking a step back to observe or pay attention to the effect you have on others. Re-evaluate the words you use when confronting and addressing other people.

Cancer:

This retrograde might not be that easy. With Pluto being placed in Capricorn, you’ll be directly confronted with the energy of this retrograde. This is the time for you to face any personal or professional issues you’ve been avoiding. Your love life could get shaken up a little as well. Before allowing yourself to engage in an argument, try to find a balanced and reasonable way of understanding your partner's needs to ensure serenity. Boundaries and communication is important right now. You may need to set some in order to gain some time to yourself.

Leo

Your work-life and balance could come into play during this retrograde. You may need to examine your time management and perhaps even your sleep patterns. Try to map about your priorities and obligations in a way that allows you to have a your career and home life. Also, before others try to take credit for your ideas or work, make sure that you’re making your name and efforts known by everyone, especially your boss.

Virgo:

You could be acting a little bit of a perfectionist which could allow this retrograde to go in either direction. On one hand, you’re always up for change, while on the other hand, you sometimes will hesitate to break away from your habits, if they’ve been working for you so far. Allow yourself to try new techniques and explore new thing.

Libra

This retrograde will have you focused on your home life. Whether you’re on the hunt for a new place to live, settling into a new place, encountering situations with roommates or need to finally clean out the guest room—change is coming. If you’re unhappy in your current living situation put in the work to change the situation. Take the necessary steps to make your home the save haven you deserve.

Scorpio:

The way you think about certain people or situations could change. Don’t be afraid of expressing your thoughts and sentiments right now, especially if it’s with people you want and hope to grow with. Make sure you are allowing others to have a chance to let their feelings be known as well.

Sagittarius:

Your heart wants to move without restriction and Pluto in Capricorn is pushing you to prioritize your responsibilities. Money matters and issues have been creating problems in your life. Tighten up your on finances during this retrograde and make plans to pay off any debt from the past that’s been hanging over your head.

Capricorn:

This retrograde will be a direct hit for you. What you prioritize will come into play during this time. If you realize you’re not working hard enough it may be time to make some lifestyle changes. On the other hand, if you’ve been working too hard, consider taking time out to restructure your game plan. Try loosening up the reins a little bit and give yourself a moment of chill.

Aquarius

Healing past trauma is a lifelong process. As long as you're willing and open to look at matters honestly, you’ll be gain a better understanding of yourself. During this retrograde, you may become even more aware of how society needs to evolve. When you’re feeling down about the world, do something to take action toward causes you feel passionate about.

Pisces:

Take some time to consider which of your friends and acquaintances are supportive and positive, versus the ones who aren’t. It’s okay to step back from people who don’t have your best interests at heart.

#pluto retrograde #daily tarot #tarotlife #astrology

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charmingpplincardigans · 3 years

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January Kitchen Sink Check In

This is mostly for me, because I’m trying to become a better person this year, for varying definitions of the term ‘better’, and I like to see my progress laid out all organized like. It helps me move forward. So I’m gonna go through my Body/Mind/Money goals for January and note how I did and what I’m going to do moving forward!

BODY

Working Out:

My two work out goals for the end of the year are to 1) be doing yoga semi-regularly and 2) be working out four days a week reliably, including the yoga. I’m working on easing myself into these (and all) habits, because I don’t want to overwhelm myself and give up on everything, so my goal for January was to work out one day a week. And I worked out *drumroooooooll* NONE! NOT A ONCE. I don’t have an excuse for this. Part of it was stress, part of it was depression, part of it was sheer laziness. I promise myself I’m gonna work out at least once a week in February, but also shoot for the two times a week that is the February Goal.

Food:

I have several overall food goals for the year. One is to give up soda near completely, or at least to break my addiction to it. The others are to start planning meals and eat less meat. For January I wanted to drink only two sodas a day (20oz max). I managed that 23 days out of 31. In looking at the calendar you can reliably match the days I failed to the days that were extremely stressful or anxiety ridden. I have a very bad habit in those moments of throwing up my hands and deciding that I’m a failure anyway so nothing matters. That’s definitely a mental tick to keep an eye on over the next few months as my job no doubt just gets more and more stressful. The other goals I did okay with. I decided to plan one meatless meal a week. New recipes I made in January were:

Black bean soup

Moroccan sweet potatoes

Spinach lasagna

Black bean & sweet potato enchiladas

Do recommend most of them. The lasagna had way too much cinnamon in it, which was kind of weird. If I make that recipe again I’m gonna quarter the amount. But I might just find a different veggie lasagna to make.

For February I want to drop the soda to one a day (12oz max), and start to plan to make two meals a week. I’m doing okay with meat, but I could for sure do better. It helps that I have started making THE WORLD’S BEST SANDWICHES for lunch. Probably just gonna eat those forever instead of ordering out Huey Magoo’s or whatever. (The sandwich is hummus, cucumber, and feta on toasted Good Seed bread. Try it!)

Doctor Things:

Uff. I need to figure out the CPAP issues and the chest pain issues. I absolutely despised the first mask they sent me for the CPAP. It gave me panic episodes and I was ripping it off IN MY SLEEP. Insurance refused me a new mask until April, but my doctor came in like an angel with a sample version of a different type of mask to try. This one is...better. I’m still not comfortable in it and it’s not appreciably helping my sleep. People keep telling me it’s going to change my life, but that has not happened yet. On the other hand I have friends who’ve tried to make them work for YEARS and never did, so I’m wary of this whole process, but still trying.

I had a sort of fraught meeting with my cardiologist last week. My chest pain symptoms had been getting better as of October, but with the change in my job I’ve back slid almost entirely. I had a 36 hour period of chest pain two weeks ago. I go whole nights having every heart attack symptom in slow motion, but doing nothing about it because I can’t afford for the ER to tell me I’m fine five times a month. I cried when she asked me why I didn’t go to a hospital when that happened. I feel so helpless all of the time and I’m certain I’m going to die any day now, even though my heart is technically physically fine. Can you anxiety yourself into a heart attack? I THINK YOU CAN. She did tell me to try to speak to the psychiatrist again about anxiety medication. The last time I tried the woman I saw didn’t want to prescribe me anything. She told me to work on my sleep and come back. Welp! The cardiologist said that if that happens this time she’ll write a note telling her to prescribe me something. We’ll see. I need to try to make that appt this month.

MIND

Therapy:

My therapist thinks I’ve done really well over the last year with working on myself and said out loud that she thinks I’m better at dealing with some things and am in a good position to move forward. But I’m so stressed right now that I just feel like I’ve fallen apart again. We’re meant to start on EMDR this week, but I’m going to have to put a pause on it so I can talk about how I’m at like, the lowest point of my life, which she will be very supportive of and then probably remind me that if we could just get to the EMDR and work with the older traumas this might not feel so dire. I’m just, on the struggle bus and too tired to do anything but freak out about that.

Writing:

I have so may creative goals this year! Too many probably! I should put some back! My creative goals for the year are:

Complete a rough draft of AMLD (10,000 words a month)

Complete and mail out the Girls Who Date the Universe chapbook

Complete and mail out any remaining art for people who helped me with the car fund

Work on poetry and short fictions (Monster Story?)

Actually check in to @gywo every month (10 days a month goal)

My creative goals for January were to write 10,000 words on AMLD, work on the extra poems for GWDTU, and send the remaining postcards from the car fund. And uh...look. I did work on writing. I worked on the chapbook layout and editing pieces that needed to be edited/replaced, because there are several. I did also work on the outline for AMLD, but didn’t write new words on it. Not anywhere 10,000 of them at any rate.

The owing people art thing is just...it fucks me up, man. I have learned a huge lesson between the car fund and the patreon. I get so in my head about how these people deserve beautiful things and then I tell myself I’m not capable of making things worthy of them and then I put off doing the thing because I want to put off letting them down and then it just spirals from there. ALL THE WHILE I AM FOR SURE LETTING THEM DOWN. I realize this is both unhealthy and unprofessional. It’s why one of my goals this year is to clear all of this once and for all so that I can square myself away with everyone and try not to end up here in the future.

So, the January Goals now get rolled up into the February Goals, which leaves the new list for the month at:

10,000 words AMLD

Complete extra poems for GWDTU

Send postcards from car fund

Complete layout for Boston chapbook for car fund

I did check in for GYWO.

Future Plans:

Part of letting off the pressure for the now for me is always about planning for the future. Not like, the actual future, I’m not starting a 401k, let’s not go nuts. But for something that is one step forward. In my notes for my year goals this is all about moving back to Boston. I need to set a date for it. I need to save money for it. I need to keep my job until after I’ve done it. But now I think this part needs to include notes about my job itself and the ways I can either move forward with it or move away from it once and for all.

I talked to Lisa and Kait at the beginning of the year about the moving plan, and now I just need to talk to my apartment complex to see if it would be feasible to extend the lease to December or February without paying an exorbitant amount in rent each month. If rent ends up being more than $2k/mo for the extension then I’m just going to have to have to wait until June 2022. This frustrates me, because I hate not being able to just follow through with decisions once I’ve made them, but patience is another thing I’m working on eternally. My goal for February is figure out money stuff well enough and talk to complex and set a timeline.

Work is. Wow. It’s awful right now. I still have my job, which takes up much of my days, but because of re-org I’m also having to learn a whole new job which would also take up much of my day. I can’t not learn this job, because the person who used to do it is in another department now too, so there’s no one to get the work done if I don’t learn to do it. But I also can’t do both. I CAN’T DO BOTH. An issue popped up last week with my job that literally brought my ulcer back. I asked my boss for help with it and she sent me a message at one point saying she wanted to cry about it. So like. She knows now, right? She knows I can’t do both jobs?? BUT THERE’S NO ONE ELSE TO DO IT SO I GUESS I JUST GET TO SLOWLY KILL MYSELF. I’m just so frustrated, and angry that these decisions get made without taking the people in them into account, and of course anxious and miserable. I’m currently dreading work in a way I haven’t since I was in text perms. It’s real bad. So I have to find a way to make it work or find a way out.

My February approach to that is to finish this Love It or Leave It book and see if I can’t divine where my true motivation lies, and also to research library school. I kind of would rather not go back to school. Not because I wouldn’t spend my entirely life in school if I could. I WOULD. But because it’s expensive and time intensive and there’s no promise my life will be better after it’s over. But every job I think I want pretty much requires that masters, so. We’ll look into it at least.

MONEY

Eating Out:

During the pandemic, one of my money sinks became DoorDash. I never used it before, because it costs literally twice as much as just going to get the food. (Also because I kind of like eating in restaurants alone. Ah, one day again I hope!) But the more afraid I became of the outside world, the less inclined I was to go into a restaurant to pick up take out, so I’ve had it brought to me. And I need to cut that shit out! I have food at home! My goal for January was to order out only 4 times a week. I managed this for three of the weeks, but when I blew it it was definitely those weeks at the very beginning and very end of the month where I was super stressed. The goal in February is to only order out 3 times a month.

Savings:

I need to open a high yield savings account. I’ve had the starting money for the move just sitting in my bank account making me no extra money for like, four months. The latest reason I haven’t moved it over is that I’m worried I’m going to owe a lot in taxes this year because of the partial unemployment I got. Hopes are that since it was a work share the taxes were taken out ahead of time, but I do not trust the government with my money as far as I can throw them, so. I’ll do my taxes this month and finally know for sure. And then I WILL move the rest of the money into a high yield savings account. I WILL.

Also, every time my credit union savings hits a grand, I’ll move $500 of that over into the high yield account to put toward moving expenses.

Budget:

I keep meaning to sit down and work out my new budget for 2021. I’m bringing home a little bit less in my paycheck because I changed my health insurance, and I’m also, of course, trying to save as much as I can ahead of moving so I don’t put anything on credit cards. (I’m doing so well paying those down!) This means I need to save everything I can and not spend money on stupid frivolous stuff. I’m not buying clothing like I did in the before times, but I AM spending too much money at Target still, because the app lets me just peruse any dumb idea I have and then pick it up that day! What a disaster! So, I really need to work something out. Or at least, I need to check my bank accounts more often and keep tabs on how much is actually going out. I have a bad out-of-sight-out-of-mind habit when it comes to bank accounts. Just another piece of me to try to cure this year.

And that’s it for January. I’m now late to bed because I’ve been working on this post for an hour and a half. Working on my sleep is also a goal, but we’ll see how exercise and the cpap handle that. Til next month!

#kitchen sink check in #to do #progress

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magicofthepen · 3 years

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Gallifrey Relisten: Spirit

This reaction post is almost 4,000 words long, which, given the episode in question.....is very on brand for me. So here have a whole lot of ramblings, in which I go back and forth between “I love this so much” and “hmm yes I do think Spirit is overhyped by virtue of being The Romana/Leela Episode,” and back and forth between “I will be objective and not get overtly shippy about this” and “I’m definitely getting overtly shippy about this.”

(Includes discussion of The Apocalypse Element, the rest of Series 2, Intervention Earth and Enemy Lines, also a bit about Time War 3, but only in the last section.)

Things that are absolutely not overrated and deserve every bit of the hype:

1. The premise

Like, hold on. Hold on. Here we have an entire episode resting on the premise of “Romana wants Leela to stay on Gallifrey so badly that in spite of being y’know, the President of a planet, and specifically a planet currently undergoing major social changes and dealing with evil eldritch beings, the #1 most important thing for her to do with her time is take Leela on a private vacation off world to convince Leela why she should stay on Gallifrey.” (Hint: it’s. it’s for Romana.)

She also then proceeds to be very bad at using her words when it comes to this premise because Romana is all into grand gesture and very little into actually talking about her feelings. Of course. But in an episode that rests on the idea of Romana as the Rational, Logic-Driven One, and Leela as the Instinctive, Emotion-Driven One, it is very good that the premise of the episode is entirely driven by Romana’s emotions. (Wait. Am I going to talk myself out of the idea that Spirit creates these overly simplistic contrasts between Romana and Leela by arguing that it also muddies them at the same time? .....I still think the “overly simplistic” thing is true to an extent. But stay tuned.)

2. The core emotional story

I’m deeply into Gallifrey for the relationships between the main characters, so Spirit is vastly appealing on that front.

The central question of Spirit is: can Leela trust Romana? Leela’s been deeply betrayed by her husband, she feels lost and adrift and she’s doubting her own ability to judge people. (“He stood before me as Torvald, and I did not know him. I had thought myself to have a keener eye.” / “But is his the only trust I may have given in error?”) Leela’s doubting her own instincts specifically, which is why it’s so important that this episode has Romana move from being more dismissive of Leela’s instinctive, emotional approach to the world, to understanding where Leela’s coming from and appreciating her instincts and worldview. Leela needs to trust not just Romana, but also herself.

And it is 1. important to explore this! Shoutout to Gallifrey for not brushing aside the emotional repercussions of Andred’s betrayal on Leela’s close relationships in general and her own image of herself! and 2. intersects in super fascinating ways with Romana’s trust issues.

Romana gets a hard time for the “valuable asset” thing, which. Fair. But I think it is important to acknowledge the premise here — the whole vacation, everything Romana is actually doing screams “I care about you very much on a personal level,” and just because she isn’t saying that doesn’t mean she isn’t showing that. Because she has her own baggage when it comes to friendship and trust, and a lot of that does loop back around to “being imprisoned for twenty years and having no one come to save you really messes you up. on so many levels.”

(Also I have to mention the end of The Apocalypse Element because that last scene with the Doctor and Romana really established how I looked at Romana and her close personal relationships moving forward. Because yeahhhh maybe having the one (1) person who is specifically your Friend (and not your colleague, or advisor, or anything related to The Presidency) go “yeah you can clean up this mess right! cool bye!” after you’ve gone through decades of trauma immediately followed by needing to repel an invasion of your planet....maybe that might make you distrust that anyone in the universe is actually going to care about you as a person anymore, and not see you as The President of Gallifrey first and foremost).

Bottom line: Romana really, really likes Leela (.....we all can decide in what way....), but also has a whole lot of doubt that other people could care about her as a person, doubt that it’s even worth letting herself be that emotionally vulnerable with someone else, because what if they throw her trust and care back in her face? And so this whole episode, there’s this undercurrent of wanting to trust each other and wanting to care about each other simmering under the surface for the both of them, but they’re both having trouble really seeing and believing what each other is feeling and I love it. I love this kind of interesting, complicated relationship struggle so much, and I love how Spirit has a positive ending, where they both manage to convey to each other in one way or another that they really do want to be around each other. ( “I was so alone in the world of dreams when you left. The wildlands were dark and so quiet. I do not wish to be alone.” / “There will be a place for you with me, for always. Whatever face I wear.” ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

(Sure, the later episodes of the season fuck everything up again, but we are Not Talking about Insurgency/Imperiatrix here.)

(We are also Not Talking about Intervention Earth/Enemy Lines....okay I’ll talk a little about IE/EL, but only because when relistening to Spirit there’s this sort of elephant in the room with “There will be a place for you with me, for always. Whatever face I wear.” And that elephant is the writers deciding that when Romana regenerated, she would abandon Leela, which...hmmm. To be fair, I have lots of more complex, specific thoughts about what might have happened emotionally and literally in that thankfully jettisoned timeline, but the bottom line is that I was and still am very *side eyes* at that writing choice.)

3. The chair scene

Oh my god. Oh my god. This scene is actually brilliant and delightful on every relisten, I want it framed please??

I think it’s probably iconic because it’s just so happy, and it is so so wonderful to have a moment like that, with the two of them making up a silly story to Hallan about what happened to the window and laughing about it. And it is good! It’s so good! (A side note: Romana in particular in this episode has that “audibly smiling” tone of voice so so much more than usual, in addition to her overall tone having very clearly shifted away from “presidential” for the majority of the episode and y’all.....it’s so excellent to hear, that is such a rare thing.)

Also specifically, it’s the fact that Leela is like ugh this room is too stuffy :( and Romana immediately is like “I must fix this, I need to make her happy” and does something so ridiculous and impulsive just to please Leela.......again, this episode is pulling a Romana Has Too Many Feelings and is acting on her emotional instincts thing......yes.

“You’re a breath of it yourself in the Capital.” “Oh Romana, nice words will not make me stay.” I’m sorry but Romana’s delivery of this line is so flirtatious? (And Leela going ah no, you can’t flirt your way out of this.)

Things that are......not good:

1. The science vs. spirituality dichotomy (and how it makes the characters look)

The whole evolution vs. creation discussion thing not only feels too simplistic for the characters, but it also feels like it’s deliberately painting Leela in a negative light? To have Leela specifically going I don’t believe in evolution when the audience is going to disagree with her and bounce off of that....yeah. It also feels like the whole exaggerated ~super in tune with nature, doesn’t know or believe things about science~ thing is leaning into the racist indigenous stereotypes her character is too often linked to.

And on top of that, it doesn’t feel in character? Classic Who episodes don’t stick in my brain that well so my memory isn’t super clear on the details, but Leela was banished from her tribe for questioning their beliefs. Plus she learned that her society’s social divisions were based on misinformation and forgotten history (having more information was important, it changed things for her world). And she was the one who wanted to leave and travel, and also has always showed a lot of interest in learning new things. To have Leela so deeply clinging to the beliefs she learned when she was young, without any of that questioning or the nuance of weaving in new things she’s learned with the old......it feels reductive. (There could be so much more nuance here re: how living so long away from the Sevateem and having to defend her background so much on Gallifrey has affected her relationship with the culture and beliefs she grew up in, but Spirit has none of that.)

2. The mindswap’s lack of nuance

There’s a similar issue here with the mindswap, where Leela especially comes off as over-simplified. I don’t know if this was an acting choice or a directing choice, but the over-the-topness of Lalla’s performance during the mindswap really feeds that (the way Romana’s voice sounds so different when she’s “acting like Leela”, while Leela still sounds fundamentally like herself when she’s acting more like Romana — why the difference?). Also, Romana is a lot more helpless and distressed when she has part of Leela in her mind, which again, does not make Leela come off as especially competent (even though she is). There are times when this episode feels like it’s trying harder to put Romana and Leela into these boxes than it is at trying to break down those boxes and yeah, all around I wish there was more nuance.

3. The interrupting of the vacation date, damn it, do you think I care about a “plot”?

Alright, alright this one is not in the same category as the other two. It is absolutely not a valid criticism, it is purely the “I want this audio to cater to me, personally” part of my brain getting disappointed every time I relisten when Wynter crashes the vacation. Specifically, when they’re all alone in the woods together having important personal conversations and Leela’s decided that they’re camping out for the night....maybe I just wanted to hear the overnight camping trip, y’know. Maybe I just wanted them to cuddle beneath the stars. (Also this will come back big time next episode, but I very much back away from horror of Wynter’s mutilation, I am a squeamish person and the Wynter thing is not my favorite plot.)

Misc liveblogging things:

“I’m sorry I had to have you dragged here to my quarters. I have requested an audience with you several times on a matter of security but have received no answer.” — It’s unclear exactly how much time has passed between Lies and Spirit, but not too long(?) and Leela’s been trying to track down Andred a lot during this time (which means that once again, Romana’s specifically taking Leela away from looking for Andred....).

Leela scathingly calling Romana “Madam President” oof. (I think this moment may have been what I was thinking of re: Leela only uses Romana’s title when she’s annoyed or angry, will have to note if/when it happens again.)

“It is your world and not mine. Although I have lived here for many years it has never been my home. And I am unhappy.” I know I’ve said this before, but Leela’s concept of home is very much the people she cares about and hhhhh so many feelings about this throughout the series.

Oof Darkel’s got Romana pegged with the “how far will she go” thing.

Is Narvin......being nice re: Romana having a trying time? Or sarcastic? Or is he just like oh thank god she’s off the planet for a hot sec I can take a breath.

Brax saying it was him that recommended Romana leave and insisting they don’t talk about it — he’s sooo covering for her, but also I want to know how that convo went....how exactly did Romana explain the “I’m going to take Leela on a private vacation off-world for.....personal reasons.....please cover for me slash be my emergency contact” thing?

“So I can only conclude from your recent behavior that you’re experiencing a considerable amount of pain.” — I mean, Leela did explicitly say earlier that she was unhappy. Still, it is a really good moment here — Romana saying I see that you’re hurting and I want to help.

.......and that’s right before “valuable asset” line. You were doing so good, Romana. (She does say friend though! I mean, she says it like it’s an ordeal, but she does immediately course correct to admit that Leela’s her friend.) Also....I’m having some kinda thought here about the “asset” line — how she compliments Leela in terms of her usefulness is icky, but I think Romana often judges her own worth based off of how useful she is to Gallifrey? I think there are several moments throughout the series that point to Romana basing her worth as a person off of her work and how successful she is at protecting her world and making it better, which is just an overall unhealthy mindset to be in (and this says something about the toxicity of Gallifreyan culture possibly but also something about the lingering trauma of Etra Prime and living for decades in a place where her life itself (whether she survived) was directly tied to her usefulness...going to mull this over more, but I think there’s something here).

Hallan is so awful about Leela, and he goes on for a bit about how he should be watching the president at all times — aka there is definitely resentment within the Chancellery Guard towards Leela for taking the role of bodyguard to the president. And this is mixed in with nasty comments about Andred, former member of the Chancellery Guard, for marrying an alien.

“A marriage is about maintaining the power of the chapters, strengthening alliances between houses” — it is interesting how more than once in the audios they talk about marriage as primarily a political thing in Time Lord culture (at least among the elite), with love being an exception and something disapproved of.

The “Leela’s been on Gallifrey for twenty-five years” math......does not work. Between The Invasion of Time and the Gallifrey audios, Romana left Gallifrey, ended up traveling with the Doctor for a while, stayed behind in E-space for a while, returned from E-space to Gallifrey, became President, got captured by the Daleks and held prisoner for twenty years, and according to Square One I believe it’s been “years” since The Apocalypse Element.......and apparently only twenty-five years have passed on Gallifrey? Even if we pretend that no time passed on Gallifrey during Romana’s adventures with the Doctor and in E-space, that timeline is still questionable. Leela has to be on Gallifrey for a lot longer than that.

“I’ve searched for [my purpose] in many places.” — It’s interesting that Romana lists off the places she’s tried to find purpose, but doesn’t say anything at all about Gallifrey — Leela is the one to say that Romana has found her purpose on Gallifrey, Romana never actually says that. (I have...lot of feelings about Romana’s very complicated relationship to Gallifrey.)

Romana mentions Pandora predicting that she would rule over Gallifrey, and predicting that Romana would let that happen — Romana is worried about Pandora in particular, and also there’s the implication that she wants Leela to stay to help her hold onto herself and prevent that future.

Just ahhhh the scene by the fire where Leela decides, after avoiding too much discussion about what she’s feeling, to be emotionally honest: “It frightens me to think that I have spent so much of my life with another in a trust that I believed was true and strong, one that could not sicken, and that I was wrong.”; “You are my friend. I know that, for all we disagree on. And yet, if tomorrow you grew sick, you could throw off your form like an old sheet and be a person I would no longer recognize, not with my eyes nor with my heart.” It’s a good scene!!

The whole “who is the broken man?” mystery is good on first listen I suppose, but I’ve never quite bought that they can’t ID him. Can the Time Lords not do a quick DNA test or something? (To be fair, these are the same people who missed that Andred was impersonating someone else for months, but at least here they actively know that they need to be figuring out who he is.)

The herbal remedy — “The outsiders use it when in pain or distress.” Confirmation that Leela does hang out with the outsiders on Gallifrey.

“I’ve been inside these things I don’t know how many times and I assure you nothing could go wrong.” Post-Etra Prime Romana trying to get some sleep for once tbh (also okay she does have some healthy coping mechanisms apparently).

“It speaks to your innermost wishes and wonders and indulges them while you dream” “There is a wild woman inside me” I’m so sorry but did they really not intend to making the sensory tanks and mindswap sound incredibly erotic because

“It is winter here.” *eyebrow waggle*

I do not like hearing stabbing sounds! (Also apparently this season has a thing for Romana kinda sorta killing people with knives.)

Leela wakes up a bit later than Romana (she stays in the dream space longer), and she says she heard Pandora’s voice — Romana dismisses that, but I do wonder what exactly happened in the dreamspace after Romana woke and what additional things Leela might have heard/seen??

Hallan is so shitty, kick his ass Leela.

I do wonder why the subplot with Melyin and Hallan was included? Was it to introduce Hallan as a character and flesh out the side characters so we know them a bit better when they’re around with the Wynter subplot? (Personally, I don’t enjoy how earlier in the episode they keep cutting away from Romana and Leela’s really important and interesting conversation to those two sides characters, so I’m not sure they needed that storyline?) But there is this sort of interesting moment where Melyin talks about freeing herself from this place where she’s isolated and Leela sympathizes — and yet at the same time is choosing to go back to Gallifrey. There is potentially an interesting parallel here, but I’m not exactly sure what the parallel is supposed to be saying about Leela.

“And what about you? Back to Gallifrey and your husband?” “I am returning to Gallifrey, yes. It is not yet time for me to leave.” Leela expertly dodging mentioning Andred in her response or referring to him as her husband. Actually I kinda want to pay more attention to when she does or doesn’t refer to Andred as her husband. I’m pretty sure she calls him her husband after he dies because that is who she’s grieving, but in this episode she talks about wanting to confront him and hurt him or make peace with him, and in A Blind Eye she was all “my husband is dead” (and I think there are some things in Insurgency about this) —there is a question here about whether or not she still considers herself married to Andred at this point.

How did the knowledge of events get out on Gallifrey? Brax says if people were watching his movements closely it wouldn’t be hard to put things together — but also he probably knows that Romana needs to return for Gallifrey for events to play out, so it seems quite possible that he essentially leaked the info himself (knowing that the events of Pandora are coming....oof).

Leela talks about returning to Gallifrey avenge the broken man — in series 2 and 3, she frequently turns to vengeance as something to give her motivation and purpose when she’s unhappy and grieving, but I forgot it came up as early as Spirit ahhh yikes.

The (shippy) elephant in the room:

(Includes vague mentions of Time War 3.)

As a final thing, I do want to mention that while this episode has a reputation of being really gay (because yep it so so subtextually gay)....I do always remember that it is only subtext. Specifically in a “isn’t it interesting that other ships between main characters get clearly teased as romantic possibility, but when it’s the core relationship of the show that just so happens to be between two characters played by women, they would never explicitly hint that there might be anything romantic going on there” way. (For a long time, I tried to convince myself this didn’t bother me. It does.)

Like don’t get me wrong, I adore their friendship and I am very cool with their relationship being entirely platonic in the audios. However, my feelings are also very context-dependent, and the context is an audio drama series in which the only explicitly queer characters are side/minor characters who die horribly (and also only exist in the very recent releases). There are no canon f/f relationships or canonically queer women in the entire series (no, Leela/Veega doesn’t count, they were pretty explicit on that being not canon), in contrast with plenty of canon m/f relationships. This is also why I say that I’d be 100% unbothered if Gallifrey really was equal-opportunity devoid of romance (I really genuinely enjoy the friendship-centric narrative of this series, it’s so good) or even had significant canonically queer side characters, but when there’s such a pointed ignoring of any queer subtext and a general ‘would never ever make any main character canonically queer’ vibe throughout the whole series (I am looking at you Unity) it’s.....hmmm. It just doesn’t feel good, you know?

To end on a lighter (ish) note, going to talk about shippy things for a sec — so I have many headcanon universes that float around in my brain, but generally speaking when I’m writing Romana/Leela fic or thinking about the possibility of their relationship being romantic at some point, I tend to go for things happening between them later in the audios (ideally post-Enemy Lines), with the early series just being endless unresolved tension. But gosh there is a part of me that’s interested in the disaster universe where they do get romantically involved with each other post-Spirit (because as far as the early series go, it does feel like it has to be post-Spirit, when Leela does make the choice to stay with Romana/for Romana on Gallifrey) because oh god that’s so emotionally messy. (It’s only been six months and change since Leela’s husband first disappeared! We’re only two episodes away from Andred’s death! She’s not in a healthy emotional space to be doing this right now, and neither is Romana, frankly! Especially given what’s going to happen in the next several episodes.....but oof wow there’s certainly a story to explore there).

This was not a lighter note, I’m so sorry. Anyways, friendly reminder that I’m always down to go on and on about Romana/Leela, I have....so many feelings about them. Also if you’ve actually read through this entire post, wow and thank you??

Previous Episode Reaction: Lies

#gallifrey audios #romana #leela #(i will be honest i had large chunks of this written even before i relistened)#(what can i say i will take any and all opportunity to ramble on about these two)#also i think this reaction post deserves the #romana x leela #tag #the relisten of rassilon #ramblings #emily listens to big finish

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silkwormlibrary · 3 years

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Hope this finds you doing well! I'd love a reading if you have the time and energy to do one! :)

How are things playing out with my financial future, at least in the near future?

What is surrounding my new journey to get healthier?

What kind of energy is surrounding the relationship with my partner and myself?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and to respond if you do. Hope you have a great day/night whatever it is wherever you are :)

Hey love! Thank you for taking my energy levels into consideration. You’re so very sweet. I’m doing this in the morning btw

A gentle reminder to take what resonates & disregard messages that don’t. I had several spirits who assisted on this one & some carried conflicting opinions. Sorry in advance <3

No.1~ How are things playing out with my financial future, at least in the near future?

Four of Wands, Ace of Wands, The Lovers

+Acceleration, Throat Chakra, Solar Plexus, Butterfly, Fertility

You are filled with determination to your very brim, but your real struggle comes with channeling this determination in a way that’s actually productive. You need to formulate a rigid routine & work schedule that you can stick to. (This message will come to fruition later on as-well...)

Message 2: I’m gathering a sense that your relations with your parents appear to either be in shambles, or just slightly tense. Regardless of their behavior though, you would do well to reach out & be open about your financial struggles. They do love you & may be offer relief wherever they can. This may cause your pride to take a hit, but just be reassured that there is nothing shameful about needing a helping hand.

Message 3: If you were considering changing your major, seeking a new job, or anything similar, go forward with this. It will lead to a great positive shift.

-=-

No.2~ What is surrounding my new journey to get healthier?

Page of Pentacles, Knight of Cups, Page of Swords, Eight of Swords

+Fire, Sacral Chakra, Judged, Subconscious, Positive, Relatives, Pregnancy

You may be struggling with gathering motivation, even though health is something you want badly. You are someone who will benefit greatly from structure. Create to-do lists, planners, & calendars. Eat three meals at the same time daily, scheduled breaks, etc.

Message 2: Your relationship with money may be causing you lots of stress, as well as the connection with your family. (Your family might not approve of your partner?) You have to choose your battles wisely & lay down your sword for a little while. What you need to seek is a support system through family--not a warzone. Try to reconnect if it’s safe.

Message 3: There’s this energy of almost being alive but not living. You need to seek passion & things that feed your soul callings. Perhaps re-take up a hobby you’ve since put on a shelf. The arts could be very therapeutic for you. You could be some sort of perfectionist, and so creating can feel very stressful rather than something that’s relaxing. You can move past this in time with gentleness & practice. Form a heart space for your mistakes instead of condemning them. Get back in touch with your sacral chakra, as this is underactive & may be the source of your lacking motivations/creativity. Do this through listening to sacral chakra vibrations, dancing with your hips, masturbation, or even surrounding yourself with vibrant oranges.

Message 4: Seek cognitive behavioral therapy methods. Positive thinking. You are a magician by nature & your negative thought patterns manifest into negative choices & energies. Rewire.

No.3~ What kind of energy is surrounding the relationship with my partner and myself?

Four of Cups, King of Cups, Five of Swords, The Moon, The Emperor

+Fire, Sacral Chakra, Transformation, Positive, Blood, Earth, Solar Plexus, Sacral Chakra

There’s a feeling of polarity here. One of you may be feeling very physical/sexual, while the other is entering a period of celebacy. You also may be moving into something more serious, such as talking --> relationship or relationship --> marriage. One of you is anxious and manifesting fear of this, & one of you is ready to move forward & welcome this change. The reason they’re/you are fearing commitment is because of subconscious traumas or pains. This can be worked through & healed through shadow work. Address these fears & bring them to light.

Hope I could be of help ! Maybe DM me & let me know your thoughts or submit a response if you’re comfortable. (:

#tarot reading

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vantablade · 4 years

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I don’t know who this will be helpful for, but in the interest of amplifying some black voices re: the content I consume, and anybody who might be interested in that sort of thing. Specifically I’m very interested in astrology, spirituality, tarot, as well as commentary, and I did some research into some black commentary YouTube channels if that’s your thing. Also I’m a sucker for Twitter so there’s some of my favourite Twitter personalities to spice up your feed not only with some educational content but also just... good content.

There’s also a dash of other subjects like writers (three Tumblr writeblrs/writers, a Black-owned publishing house to keep an eye on with some new independent releases, and my current favourite author whose trilogy made me fall in love with fantasy all over again).

Obviously it is severely reflective of my character that I did have to research certain creators because of my lack of exposure, and that does come from a white perspective in that I’ve never felt the pressure to engage with Black content the way I should haveーbut the only way to move forward from that is to actively seek them out, make adaptions, and introduce new content creators into my life. And hopefully, to my white mutuals (since I’m in no place to preach to anyone else), introduce some stuff to you guys too.

Because Black lives do not only matter when we’re mourning the lives lost, but Black lives matter when they are actively creating content we can support, across all platforms and genres. Whether it’s Black film, Black writing, Black art, Black YouTubers, etceteraー and while we should absolutely introduce more critical reading into our lives in order to develop a much more intelligent, nuanced perspective on the subject of race, we shouldn’t only view Black people as politics suppliers, but people who create content all across the board, especially when we consider that Black culture and Black creators are often the biggest influence on social media and modern culture. This is just a small, very niche list of what I have foundー and I would love recommendations! Your favourite designers, your favourite artists to follow, your favourite gaming channels (especially those who focus on thorough lets plays!), your favourite Black creator in any sort of environment. Under a read more just because this post is already long.

Black Spiritualists/Astrologers/Tarot Readers who I really love:

Shonnetta’s Divine Tarot ~ A YouTube channel which does really long, in depth tarot readings for the signs and pick a cards if that’s your thing, she’s super bubbly and energetic and has great energy

Itsbabyj1 ~ She does really fun but also well-researched videos, she’s super playful and knowledgeable about the subject. She has some really fun, laid back videos like how to tell if your crush likes you based on your sign, which if anything is just fun to indulge

Similarly, astrokit does really fun but also educational videos! Some based on crushes, or pet peeves, etc, but likeー she can even help you figure out your own chart bit by bit like her latest video on Moon in the houses. She’s sooo cute and has such an airy energy, I’ve spent many an hour relistening to her crush or pet peeve etc videos in the background because she has a really nice voice

If you want to learn some more advanced techniques, this interview with Darren King is really educational! He hasn’t made a lot of content yet but he’s a great speaker and his vid is so good, and you can even book a reading with him through the website

Sunshine Tarot ~ all of her readings are super accurate imo, she has such a homely vibe, she’s so charismatic that her videos feel like she’s really there with you.

Gaialect ~ does occasional Tarot readings for the signs, she’s super kind and direct, originally quite a presence on Twitter and I feel like she really has a great camera presence and a good friendliness.

AstroDeeStars ~ again, just super good charisma & really informative videos. Not super active but you can watch her old content and be informed on the subjects!

ijaadee ~ A very advanced yet really personable astrologer who specialises in offering horary charts, and works with really detailed methodsーshe’s really interesting if you’re into that sort of thing!

Jalen Astrology ~ a black, nonbinary (and potentially gay) astrologer whose personality is stunning, and they’ve done some great threads iirc!

RetroJ ~ similar to ijaadee in subject matter and advanced subjects, but he does have some great introductory threads that you can look through. Also does a wide array of consultations if you vibe with that!

BlackWomenCry ~ A sex astrologer! They do really fun yet in depth analyses of signs and qualities, especially regarding sex and unpacking trauma. Worth a follow for sure

Misc (ASMR, Book Youtube, Publishing Houses/Writeblrs, Influencers):

LatreceASMR ~ A black woman ASMRtist for if you’re trying to relax, her stuff is super chill & she has a really comforting voice! I really like her earlier low fi stuff

Sung Mook ~ another ASMRtist! I love her character work and her roleplays so much, she has the gentlest voice you will ever here. Big sleepy I really recommend

Mina Reads ~ A booktuber! I’m still getting into the booktube scene so I’d also love recs if you’re into it as well, they’re really funny! (I believe their pronouns might be she/her but I can’t remember completely so I’d rather stay on the safe side). Also, they often review or read books focused on and/or written by Black people, which can be a great introduction to fiction by Black authors!

Yah Yah Scholfield ~ Horror writing, fantastic short stories, also publishing a lesbian horror novel this year

Sandra T. ~ Yah Yah’s publisher/editor and a writer herself, that’s her main blog but she also posts her work here and she runs her own publishing company which currently has a poetry book, a compilation of short surrealist short stories, and Yah Yah’s novel): Oni House Press

Lydia ~ Another black writer! She posts excerpts of her writing work and I’m a huge fan of her stuff. Her writing is so... emotive, rich and inspiring.

My favourite book trilogy that I reference often is N. K. Jemisin’s The Broken Earth trilogy which is an incredible fantasy series, and I really recommend it as an introduction to fantasy, right now I’m also starting her other series. TBE is notable not only for its incredible world-building and character work (I cried... several times lol) but also for its subtle, natural integration of LGBT peopleーand I mean LGBT people, not just a token gay character but also trans characters, with even minor reference to nonbinary people. She has some other series that I can’t advocate for yet, because I haven’t read them, but of course when one series is so good, of course I have faith in her other work.

Warsan Shire’s poetry is also groundbreakingー you’ve probably already seen it everywhere, whether in snippets or in huge excerpts, and she even contributed the poetry to Beyonce’s Lemonade. I read Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth which is a super short but very rich poetry book, which is also a great entry into it.

Rashida Renee ~ you’ve probably used one of her scans in a moodboard, or seen someone use it. A Black trans woman with a huge knowledge on fashion and fashion culture, and highly influentialー I love having her on the TL. Also was a huge Tumblr presence, I’m not sure if that’s still a thing, but I believe she was scorpioenergies and she was fuckrashida.

Silver Summer ~ also known on Tumblr as trapcard I believe (also used to be blastortoise, a huge “comedy” Tumblr acc), another Black trans woman who is just ... naturally funny, very quick-witted and livens up the TL. Also a fan of KPOP if you’re into that thing.

jaboukie ~ you’ve definitely seen his tweets screenshotted. Funny as hell but not afraid to use his account to amplify things, lost his blue tick (rip) for the cause of mocking fools.

D4Darious ~ a film YouTuber! but not just film, the act of making film, for any aspiring filmmakers out there.

The commentary channels I found through research but have not fully immersed myself in their content yetー Kat Blaque, For Harriet, Angie Speaks, T1J, D’Angelo Wallace, Joulzey. This is obviously not a comprehensive list whatsoever so I’m always taking more recommendations <3

#AUTEUR. ███ 夜曲 ⋮ out of character.

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buckyistired · 5 years

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Why Bucky Barnes Isn’t Damaged Goods, Take Two

Since tumblr is a big ol butthead and ate my first post on the subject, and I apparently write essays on Bucky Barnes for fun, here is take two on why Bucky Barnes isn’t damaged goods. Why should I care enough to spend another several hours re-writing this? Because it is not ok to call survivors of traumatic events damaged. Period. End of story. It was a lousy choice of words that could easily be misinterpreted, and I would have been willing to leave it at that, if the writers and directors didn’t keep talking and digging that hole a little deeper. So...here we go. Again. I’m on my soapbox and the view is great.

In less than an hour of screen time over seven films, the Marvel Cinematic Universe gave us a complex, beloved character that walks the line between victim and villain with a murder-strut swagger. Bucky Barnes is as lonesome and dangerous as he is charming and sarcastic. Many fans have fallen in love or seen themselves reflected in Bucky’s trials and triumphs; he’s truly an awesome, multi-faceted character, but unfortunately, fans seem to be of the few who realize this.

Recent comments made by both MCU directors and writers regarding Bucky’s mental state have…bothered me and I thought, well, let’s examine the evidence that Bucky is damaged, shall we?

Obligatory disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional; I have PTSD and use these strategies myself, but nothing I’ve written should preclude you from seeking a professional opinion if you need it. Talking with a therapist about my PTSD helped me get light years ahead in terms of recovery. Whatever path you choose, take care of you.

What is PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it.

Does Bucky Barnes have PTSD?

By definition, Bucky has experienced or witnessed the following traumatic events:

WWII. Bucky served as an active soldier during WWII, in the trenches and on the battlefields. He was a distinguished sniper and a Sergeant, which means he witnessed and contributed to the war effort to an even further degree. Many soldiers had “battle fatigue” or “shell shock” during the war; it is not unlikely that Bucky would have experienced this from WWII alone if he had survived and returned home.

Prisoner of War. Bucky was captured and tortured as a prisoner of war, not once, but twice. He was experimented on in his time in Azzano, before he was captured again by Zola/Hydra.

The Fall. Bucky shouldn’t have survived the fall from the train in the Alps. He watched as Steve tried to save him and failed, and he was cognizant as he fell to his presumed death and as he was then captured.

Disability. As established in flashback scenes, Bucky was conscious when he fell from the train and as he was being pulled through the snow by his captors (who he may have assumed were saviors at that point, double ouch). He woke up to his arm being removed and replaced. This kind of permanent change to his body would be difficult enough to work through in a peaceful recovery environment. We know that Bucky didn’t get that luxury.

Hydra/The Winter Soldier decades. The cryochamber. Being strapped to a table and experimented on. The chair. Having no control over your own mind or body. Being forced to murder; being trapped in a continuous war. This torture lasted for 70 years.

Civil War. Free from Hydra, Bucky is trying to live the good life, keep his head down, and stay out of trouble. Then boom, he’s blamed for a bombing that kills how many people? And he’s right in the middle of Tony and Steve’s fallout? Oh, and he loses his arm, again? And then he willingly goes back into cryofreeze? Ok. That’s like 16 traumatic events in the space of 24-48 hours, also known as Bucky Barnes and the No Good Very Bad Day.

Battle Against Thanos and The Snapture, Part 1. Just as Bucky gets to the point where he’s living the good live and recovering from the trauma that has been pretty much his entire life, Thanos shows up, and Bucky is off to another battlefield. Then, he dies. Sort of. Again. How many times is this now?

Battle Against Thanos and The Snapture, Part 2. Bucky gets unsnapped and has approximately two seconds of “yay!” before he is again fighting on a battlefield for his life and the lives of those he cares about and oh, for the entire world.

A common thread here is that all of these traumatic experiences included a near brush with death or a near constant threat to his person. We don’t even really know the extent of the trauma Bucky endured when he was captured by Hydra. Regardless, I just listed eight different traumatic events that Bucky has experienced or witnessed. I think, yes, it’s safe to say that poor Bucky has PTSD, big-time.

So, is Bucky Barnes damaged?

No. Bucky Barnes is an individual who have survived more than his fair share of traumatic events, and as such, his brain has had to compensate for how he thinks, processes, and responds to stimuli. He does, at one point, suffer from literal brain damage from the chair, but we are shown in Black Panther that Shuri has healed the physical damage to his brain.

If Bucky experienced permanent damage from his trauma, he would be incapable of living his life. Literally. If he suffered from PTSD and did not actively try to take measures to cope with it, he would not be able to function; his brain wouldn’t let him. (In my opinion, he still would not be “damaged” because people with mental health issues are still people who deserve respect and shouldn’t be talked about like feral animals, but hey, moving past ableist language is apparently too much to ask and I digress).

Anyways, my point is that Bucky is not only aware of his condition, but actively takes steps to treat it, therefore, he cannot be of a damaged mind. And I’m gonna prove it.

Bucky Barnes: PTSD Symptoms and Coping Strategies

Bucky exhibits both positive and negative coping strategies throughout the films as his journey to recovery progresses, sometimes back to back, which is a great, realistic choice, because it shows that recovery is not linear.

Avoidance

Avoidance occurs when a person avoids thoughts or feelings about a traumatic event; it can interfere with emotional recovery and healing and is a common reaction to trauma.

The first step in treating any illness is recognizing the need for treatment. In Captain America: The First Avenger we see Bucky actively avoid recognizing his trauma after being rescued from Azzano. He’s putting on a strong face in the name of avoidance (“Let’s hear it for Captain America!”) but he’s also suffering.

Source: https://cogentranting.tumblr.com/post/174225812218/comic-bucky-phdna-bluandorange-edgebug

There’s an additional scene in this film that, while played for laughs and parallels between Bucky and Steve, has always meant more to me. When the Howlies are all gathered in a bar, drinking, laughing, and having a good time, Bucky is by himself in the back room (avoiding friends) where it’s quiet (avoiding loud disturbances that could rock him) and he can keep an eye on his surroundings (being overly alert). His uniform is disheveled and he’s lost that cocky Sergeant Barnes signature look. When Peggy walks in and completely ignores him, this is Bucky’s reaction:

Source: https://steviebarnes.tumblr.com/post/181821865007/steve-little-shit-rogers

I don’t think Bucky was exaggerating here. Everything he’s been through lately is a horrible dream. We don’t talk about this scene enough in terms of how it shows Bucky’s vulnerability; it’s really the first hint we have that Bucky has lost a part of himself during this war.

Engaging in Dangerous Behavior/Overworking

In Captain America: The First Avenger, we witness Bucky deploying a negative coping strategy for the first time: over dedication to his work that suggests he’s overcompensating as a way of avoiding thinking about his trauma. Engaging in reckless or dangerous behavior also is a symptom of PTSD. Bucky continuously experiences new stressful situations, which ultimately will extend his healing time. For example, he willingly goes on a mission to capture Zola, the man who strapped him to a lab table and pumped him full of knock-off super soldier serum. Seeing the doctor again would be enough to trigger Bucky into an episode but he goes anyways because his dedication to the mission is more important to him than his mental stability.

Source: https://n-barnes.tumblr.com/post/170542194046/bucky-with-the-guns

Now, this is still an active war zone. The necessity of the Howling Commando missions to win the war means that Bucky doesn’t really have time to process what’s happened to him; he’s incapable of coping in a healthy way at this point and charging forward, continuing to work, is the only way he knows how to survive.

Bucky has a bad habit of not avoiding his triggers when he feels the mission is more important than his mental health. A common theme throughout every film is that Bucky is put into one dangerous situation right after another, usually immediately following a five minute breather.

In Captain America: The Winter Soldier, we see glimpses of Bucky Winter being pulled in and out of cryofreeze, placed on mission after mission. The one time we begin to see that there’s more to Winter than they’d have us believe is when Bucky’s memories surface for a hot minute in the bank vault. He has about 30 seconds of downtime where he’s aware and then…wipe him. Back on the mission to kill Captain America. Everything about his time as the Winter Soldier was dangerous; it’s not like Hydra really cared about his physical or mental health. All those years of trauma and overworking probably crashed down on Bucky, hard, the moment he was in control of his own mind again and able to rest. And his brain was in physical shambles on top of it. Poor Bucky.

Source: https://mishasteaparty.tumblr.com/post/93678343244/prep-him

Similarly, in Captain America: Civil War, we get this amazing scene:

Source: https://mackievanstan.tumblr.com/post/176453875698/let-him-rest

And another in Avengers: Infinity War:

Source: https://mackievanstan.tumblr.com/post/176453875698/let-him-rest

Once again, Bucky keeps getting thrown back into the middle of a fight when he needs to be resting. This is a very, very bad idea. Super bad. Could really fuck with Bucky’s mental health permanently, bad. This is pretty much the definition of overworking to a detrimental degree.

But what I really love about his reactions in both of these scenes is that he knows exactly how poor of an idea it is. He knows continuing to fight isn’t good for him and he’s exhausted. He goes willingly anyways, but he has this amazing control over himself at this point. Every single fight could have Bucky experiencing an episode and losing himself to the trauma; he doesn’t. (To be fair, I think this is what the Russos were hinting at but they could have worded it so much better). Bucky could have walked away. He could have surrendered in Bucharest, he could have hidden in Wakanda. He fought anyways.

This shows just how complex Bucky’s PTSD really is and how well he’s coping with it: he’s engaging in dangerous behaviors which could trigger him, but he’s doing so with awareness and self-actualization. He’s got a handle on himself. These coping behaviors directly contradict the Russos’ statement that you “don’t want to give another weapon to that guy, it could end up being used the wrong way.” With the exception of being literally triggered with the Winter Soldier code words (which are no longer a threat because good job, Shuri), Bucky fights the good fight every single time. He doesn’t go rogue. He doesn’t lose himself.

Yeah, if that doesn’t make him a hero, I don’t know what further proof I can provide, because he does this in literally every single film.

Active Coping

Active coping means accepting the impact of trauma on your life, taking direct action to improve things, and creating habits that help you respond to everyday life in a positive manner. Avoiding triggers - people, places, anniversaries, or other reminders of the traumatic event - can be a healthy coping strategy.

The first time we see Bucky take a step toward positive active coping is in Captain America: The Winter Soldier:

Source: https://thatpleasantnightmare.tumblr.com/post/147118407198

Bucky just escaped being a prisoner, was injured in a gruesome fight with his best friend, and is now on the run. What’s one of the first things he does? Research. More than that, in this scene, Bucky is clean, in civilian clothing of his choosing, and appears to have treated his injuries from the fight on the carriers. His eyes are clear and although he is in a public (read: dangerous) setting, he’s aware of his surroundings, has a calm grip on reality, and is processing information. This is Bucky taking the first step to actively reclaiming his identity. This is when we see him begin to heal and he’s doing it on his own. He’s on step one of learning to actively cope: accepting the impact of the trauma on your life.

Bucky continues to exhibit positive coping strategies on his own as time moves forward, as we see in Captain America: Civil War. By the time we meet up with Bucky in Romania, he’s already taken direct action to improve his situation. When we first see Bucky, he’s at a local market, smiling and engaging in conversation with a vendor while he buys produce. He looks good; is physically fit, is practicing hygiene, and is in clean clothes that protect his identity.

Source: https://buckybgrnes.tumblr.com/post/174829011372

I love this scene and specifically the way Sebastian played it, because we see Bucky exhibit positive and negative coping strategies nearly back to back. As he’s trying for normal, he’s also hyper aware of his surroundings, unwilling to let his guard down. He’s scanning for anything that could trigger him or endanger his health, but he is aware. Staying alert and on guard is a classic symptom of PTSD.

Source: https://kittyseb.tumblr.com/post/144559460240/this-whole-scene-of-bucky-on-the-streets-of

However, we have to understand that Bucky’s situation requires this sort of hyper vigilance. He’s a wanted man, both by Hydra and the CIA, and he’s actively being hunted. So although Bucky is displaying a classic symptom of PTSD, what we see here is him deploying a positive strategy for coping. By staying aware to his surroundings, he’s protecting himself. This is opposite to the kind of harmful behavior we should expect from him at this point in his recovery. He’s by himself, without any support, and has to look over his shoulder every block to make sure that he’s safe. Extreme hyper vigilance would show being Bucky afraid to leave his apartment altogether. Again, while he is suffering and displaying symptoms of active post traumatic stress, he’s also actively coping by taking direct action to improve his circumstances and creating habits that improve his daily life.

Through the entirety of the Romania scene in Captain America: Civil War, we catch glimpses of other healthy habits and positive coping strategies Bucky has developed.

Practicing Mindfulness

One really great blink-and-you-miss-it detail from the film is the existence of Bucky’s journals. As Steve goes through Bucky’s stuff (really, Steve?), you see him pick up a journal from the top of Bucky’s fridge. Inside are notes, memories, and references, categorized and marked by tabs. This is one of my favorite examples of Bucky using another strategy for coping with PTSD: mindfulness.

Source: a shitty screenshot I took from the movie.

Mindfulness: a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. Mindfulness may help people get back in touch with the present moment, as well as reduce the extent with which they feel controlled by unpleasant thoughts and memories.

This is an extremely positive practice for Bucky, because at this point in the films, he’s still suffering from brain damage and memory loss. We see several examples of Bucky shaking his head, blinking, and losing himself to possible memories throughout the films. Journaling, as a way to capture those memories, categorize them, and begin rebuilding a timeline of his life, can help Bucky identify his triggers, work through episodes, and ultimately distinguish between past memories and the present, enabling him to regain control of his mind.

Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle

When Bucky appears on screen, we see that he’s physically fit and obviously taking care of himself. We can assume that during his time as the Winter Soldier, Hydra kept Bucky in peak physical condition in order to succeed in every mission. Whether that was through training, supplements, drugs, the super soldier serum, etc., we don’t know. We don’t see Bucky continuing this training, but we do see the results of it. He’s capable of fighting, obviously maintaining his strength, and he’s able to run away.

Source: https://captaincentenarian.tumblr.com/post/149852437382/bucky-running-majestic-hair-appreciation

We also witness Bucky making healthy choices in terms of food. He’s got energy/protein bars in his apartment, snacks readily available, pots and pans which would imply he has been cooking, and even a thermos to keep himself hydrated. He’s doing his best to maintain his physical health, which in and of itself is a very positive coping method. He could be depressed, lost in his own mind, never getting out of bed. But Bucky wants to survive, he wants to be better, and so he takes care of himself. This is a good thing.

If you haven’t seen it, please read this post about Bucky’s apartment, because it hits on so many great points about how Bucky is taking care of himself.

Recognizing and Avoiding Triggers

Now for as many positive steps Bucky has taken to actively cope with having PTSD, he’s got awful luck when it comes to avoiding his triggers. It’s two steps forward, one step back, every time.

At the beginning of Captain America: Civil War, Bucky is trying his damndest to avoid being caught. But stupid Zemo has other plans.

Look, it’s hard for me to describe what happens next in the film. The way that Sebastian played these scenes will never not give me chills. We get an up close and personal view of Bucky’s PTSD in ways we’ve only caught glimpses of up until now; I don’t know what Sebastian researched in order to create this performance, but it is so spot on that it’s difficult to watch. I wish he got more credit for his acting and it’s a damn waste that he only had 30 seconds of screen time in subsequent movies. *sigh*

Anyways...

We see the acceptance and the fear in Bucky’s eyes as the CIA takes him into custody. He’s maintaining his composure, more than he should be capable of doing at this point, and he’s also letting himself slip into a safe zone (“I don’t want to talk about it.”). Until Zemo begins reading the trigger words.

Source: https://cvssian.tumblr.com/

Good grief, y’all. Look at him struggling. Bucky literally tried to fight his way out of being triggered, but he failed. Every fear he’s had for the past several years is happening. He’s losing control of his mind, of everything he’s worked so hard for up to this point. I don’t want to look too far into this as a commentary on Bucky’s character, because I don’t think the writers meant for it to be the deep - it serves more as a plot point to get us to the war part of Civil War - but if you stop and examine it for just a second, this scene is an absolute outrage. I can’t believe this happened to Bucky’s mind. They turned him into a weapon, again. They stripped him of years of hard work and recovery.

Source: https://brolinjosh.tumblr.com/

Thankfully - thankfully - one quick hit to the head later, and Bucky’s back. Not only is he aware of his surroundings, he’s cognizant enough to try playing dumb to Sam and Steve at first. I like the conversation that takes place between Bucky and Steve here, because Bucky was smart enough to give Steve exactly what he needed to hear to prove that Bucky was no longer a threat. We don’t talk about Bucky’s raw intelligence enough, likely because we’re always talking about his grief, and this scene gives us one of the rare moments in the film where we get to witness Bucky strategizing. He was just triggered, his brain is mush, he just lost control of himself, and then immediately after, he’s back on mission. We’re back to avoidance/no time to process. Bucky tucks being triggered as Winter into his back pocket to be dealt with on another day.

Remember how I said Bucky keeps getting thrown into fights, one after another? Guess what.

Source: https://captaincentenarian.tumblr.com/post/149852437382/bucky-running-majestic-hair-appreciation

There are a lot of significant, interesting parallels happening between Captain America: The First Avenger and Captain America: Civil War. The plot goes like this: Bucky was captured and actively tortured; Steve rescued him; they have no time to discuss what’s just happened and deal with it; and then Bucky is forced into another fight before he’s ready.

We can draw a lot of comparisons between the Howlies and Team Cap here and I wish that they had made the effort to explore this more in the film. This is the first time Bucky and Steve are fighting on the same team again since the war. Bucky is following Steve’s lead, even though he doesn’t know the people he’s fighting with/against, and he’s doing it because it’s for the greater good. They have to stop the other winter soldiers; the mission always comes first.

The biggest difference between the two films - and Bucky’s current state of mind - is that in The First Avenger, Bucky was actively avoiding recognizing his trauma after very similar events occurred, and in Civil War, not only does Bucky acknowledge what happened to him, we get this very poignant scene that’s both beautiful and devastating:

Source: https://bifelicitys.tumblr.com/post/182734674220/what-you-did-all-those-years-it-wasnt-you-you

This is a healthy outlook of acceptance and Bucky arrived there with nearly no outside assistance up to this point. This man has been through hell and back in the past 24 hours, on top of a hundred years of tragedy, and instead of breaking down as any reasonable person would, he fights. He has a long way to go in his recovery, but look how far he’s gotten on his own. And this is before Shuri’s help. Bucky’s willpower, tenacity, and depth of character never ceases to amaze me.

This is especially true with what happens next. You know how I said Bucky has awful luck in avoiding his triggers? Well...does walking back into the base of your own free volition where you were held prisoner and tortured for decades, count as maybe, oh I dunno, an event that should be avoided at all costs?

I’m being sarcastic but the depth of this moment shouldn’t be overlooked. Bucky going back to Siberia after everything he’s been through is a huge step backwards for his recovery. Siberia is crawling with triggers, from the threat of the other soldiers, to the cryo chambers, to the chair that wiped his memories and turned him into the Winter Soldier. The amount of bravery it took for Bucky Barnes to walk back into this place can’t be measured. He’s looking his history dead in the eyes with a shaky finger on a trigger and the fact that he doesn’t crack is astounding.

But then...this happens.

Source: https://tonystark.co/post/165333715841/buckys-facial-expressions-as-tonys-watches-the

I can barely stand to watch this because we are seeing Bucky actively having a PTSD episode. As the tape plays, Bucky is dissociating; he’s not there in the room with Steve and Tony, he’s back on the country road where he killed the Starks. The fear and the tears in his eyes, the recognition of what’s playing on the tape, and the knowledge of what’s about to happen are too much. His reaction here shows that he’s barely in control. He immediately responds to Tony lunging at him by raising his gun, an instinctive response, only to lower his weapon seconds later because of the acceptance of what he’s done. This is brutal and heartbreaking and very real.

It gets worse.

Source: https://itsawkwardfanboi.tumblr.com/post/176703555531/breaks-my-heart-seeing-him-about-to-pass-out

Bucky snapped in desperation and we witness him lose control in his battle with PTSD. It is very common for fight or flight to kick in under extreme circumstances and pressure; Bucky tried to escape, to avoid this outcome, but he couldn’t. The only thing he had left was to fight. We see Bucky lose control, not as Tony is threatening him, but because Steve is threatened. Bucky was fighting Tony, not to harm him, but to stop him, and not to protect himself, but to protect Steve. It’s an entirely different fighting style than Winter; it’s meant to disarm, not to destroy. Even though Bucky just experienced multiple triggers and traumatic events in a short timeframe, even though he is smack dab right in the middle of a traumatic episode, he still only wants to stop the fight, not kill. This is another example of how the Russos’ comments were unfair and incorrect. Bucky doesn’t go on murderous rampages; he tries to do what’s right. And what happens to him because of it?

He loses. Every single time.

Source: https://marvelworlduniverse.tumblr.com/post/172306346232

I will never forgive the writers for making Bucky lose his arm twice. Bucky has a real disability and it has always bothered me that his arm is only ever discussed as a weapon. The trauma from losing his arm the first time was never properly dealt with and here we are again, recycling that awful, painful, horrible plot point. There comes a certain point where you’ve hurt the characters enough and it does nothing for their character development. The grief, pain, and acceptance we see in Bucky’s eyes as he’s lying there wrecks me. He didn’t need to experience this. He’s been through enough. I don’t know how he’s still physically alive or not mentally lost without hope of recovery. But he is. He gets back up. And you know what he does next?

He asks for help.

Asking for Support

An important part of recovery is having a team of people around you to support you when times are tough. It is amazing to me that Bucky got as far as he did in his recovery, finding positive coping strategies and habits on his own while on the run.

Source: https://juliastiles.tumblr.com/post/178049225734/captain-america-civil-war-2016-dir-anthony

The acknowledgement of Bucky’s trauma in this scene was poignant and bittersweet and I’m very glad they included it, although I feel Steve here. It was sad to see Bucky go back into cryo, but it was necessary until the triggers could be safely removed.

And they were. This is my biggest issue with what the Russos said - they seemed to have either forgotten or refused to acknowledge what happened in Black Panther, when Shuri successfully removed the triggers and healed Bucky’s brain damage (cough, I know which one I’m placing my bets on, cough). We don’t disrespect Shuri like that in this house.

Source: http://stevechoosesbucky.tumblr.com/post/173521604559

From this point forward, Bucky’s brain is no longer damaged. He is no longer experiencing memory loss, nor is he capable of being triggered into Winter Soldier mode. Yes, he still has PTSD. Yes, he will need to continue to work on his recovery, just like Steve, just like Sam. And he does.

Speaking of Sam, this tidbit from Avengers: Endgame is really satisfying.

Source: https://paper-storm.tumblr.com/post/184537376766/can-we-talk-for-a-second-about-how-bucky-was-a

This moment is important because it shows that 1) Bucky is still very vulnerable and dealing with a lot of grief; the last time he saw Tony wasn’t exactly on the best of terms and now Bucky can never make up for what he did, and 2) Sam is an invaluable person to have at your side and a very, very good friend.

It’s hard to tell where we will go from here in the series/the next round of films, but I have a suggestion for a direction: get Bucky back to his positive coping strategies. Such as...

Spending Time Outdoors/With Animals

Before the battle in Avengers: Infinity War, we catch up with Bucky doing something seemingly very out of character: farming. Look, my blog name is Bucky the Farmer, it should tell you all you need to know about how much this tickled me when I first saw it. But upon further reflection, I realized how important this activity actually is.

Source: https://steverogersnotebook.tumblr.com/post/179505503935/bucky-in-wakanda-initial-recovery-vs-settled

It’s been shown that spending time in nature and around animals can have positive soothing effects on people who are recovering from trauma. Have you ever gone on a nice walk after a bad day to calm your mind, or spent a few minutes petting a dog? Do you exercise as a form of stress relief? It’s the same thing.

But what we’re also seeing here is Bucky taking responsibility for living beings beyond himself. He’s also interacting with children, an innocent and safe way to re-socialize himself. At this point, Bucky is past the stages of recovery where he needs to avoid, acknowledge, or actively cope with his trauma. He’s healing. He’s moving forward and learning how to live again, not just surviving day by day.

What happens next?

Prior to The Snapture, Bucky’s life was in Wakanda. Avengers: Endgame left quite a few stones unturned when it comes to Bucky’s future; we know that he’s in New York, that he won’t carry the shield, and seemingly, he and Sam are friends. He might hang out with Old Steve every now and again, visit his home in Brooklyn, or get a few goats. Maybe he’ll go back to Wakanda. Maybe he’ll be a part of the Avengers. We don’t know what Bucky will do next.

Regardless as to what happens, Bucky is in a good place. He’s experienced loads of trauma, but the physical and mental effects have been treated. His brain is not damaged and he’s continuing to recover. And when he’s ready, which I believe will be sooner than we think, he’s going to kick utter ass.

Bucky is still one of the most badass characters to ever be created; he’s efficiently deadly, a skilled fighter, the world’s best assassin. Those skills haven’t disappeared because he’s now in control of himself (and, some of those skills he had before he was the Winter Soldier; they were what made him a prime candidate in the first place. Remember, the Winter Soldier was supposed to be an equal foe to Captain America).

But he’s also so much more. Bucky has chosen to be morally good. A man who knows he can be the deadliest person in the room but chooses not to be is powerful. Is this not a direct callback to Erskine’s conversation with Steve in The First Avenger? Remember, Captain America is not a perfect soldier. He is a good man.

Bucky Barnes is a good man, no matter what trauma he’s experienced. So is Sam Wilson.

I absolutely believe it was the right choice for Sam to take up the shield at this moment in time. Let’s just get that out of the way, no Sam hate here. But I have a problem with the idea that Bucky couldn’t take up the shield because “he’s damaged” and that’s why it went to Sam instead. The Russos’ statements were insulting to both characters. Sam didn’t get the shield because Bucky wasn’t ready to carry it; Sam got the shield because it was right and he earned it. Sam deserves to be Cap just as much as Bucky deserves to take a damn nap. They don’t need to knock Bucky down in order to lift Sam up. It was a deliberate choice of words and it was wrong.

On some level, I understand what the writers and directors were trying to say: Bucky simply isn’t ready. And yet, they continue to speak about Bucky as if he’s weak, a villain, and permanently broken; I don’t think they can truly grasp how much of a complex and compelling character he really is. They had years to prepare a wise, thoughtful answer to the question of Bucky’s future and instead, they spouted off some ableist bullshit. They could take this character that embodies so much of what’s good and evil, right and wrong, fearful and hopeful, and use him to speak to hundreds if not thousands of individuals about the importance of never giving up and letting yourself find peace. They do this perfectly with Steve (“I can do this all day”) and Sam (“Are you going to carry it in a big suitcase or little man-purse?”) but why not with Bucky?

We just don’t know. But Bucky Barnes surely deserves better.

Source: https://captain-flint.tumblr.com/post/184564356218/bucky-barnes-in-avengers-endgame-looking-like-a

Recovering from trauma is an ongoing, nonlinear process. All Marvel characters have gone through some form of traumatic events and recovery. Bucky has experienced more than his fair share, but he will always survive, because that’s what he does. Now, he has the opportunity to thrive, if only the writers and directors will let him.

Sources:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/what/index.asp

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/gethelp/selfhelp_coping.asp

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-symptoms-self-help-treatment.htm/

#bucky barnes deserves better #bucky barnes #avengers: endgame #endgame #russo brothers #tw: ptsd #the unknown future of james buchanan barnes

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thebluelemontree · 5 years

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Thoughts on the Mountain being the literal embodiment of Sandor's trauma and disillusionment with knighthood and justice? It seems fans of Cleganebowl tend to miss this even though it's hardly subtle - even fans on reddit who were ambivalent towards Cleganebowl. Sandor has his own mountain to conquer and it's not Ser Robert Strong. I think Sandor might give him the gift of mercy but that would be a totally different motivation than "revenge" like the show had with his character.

The fact that this even has a pay-per-view spectacle name like “Cleganebowl” just shows how ridiculously overhyped this is in the fandom. I’m not saying any kind of confrontation in the future between Sandor and Robert Strong is impossible or even improbable. I doubt whatever that looks like will live up to their expectations. If they’re sorely disappointed it doesn’t turn out to be a revenge-fulfillment fantasy, well, that’s on them. You’d really have to ask the fans why they love the idea so much. It could be that they’re on their first reading and breezed through it for the plot. I certainly missed things that were “hardly subtle” the first time. Or maybe it just ain’t that deep for some people? This is why I don’t get involved in the general fandom anymore. It’s not an interpretation I consider informed or one that I am on board with. It’s just a headcanon some people like. Since you asked for my thoughts, I have lots of thoughts about why “Cleganebowl” isn’t going to be a thing and why that’s a better story.

I don’t blame Sandor for ruminating on revenge for most of his life. Wanting to strike back at your tormenter is normal and understandable. Especially when the people and institutions that were supposed to be on the victim’s side ended up protecting and rewarding the perpetrator. Revenge may seem like Sandor’s only means of experiencing a sense of justice and perhaps finally finding some relief from his PTSD. It’s a coping mechanism, which is why he reacts with such indignation at the idea of anyone else stealing Gregor’s death from him. The fantasy only stays alive as long as Gregor is alive. In Sandor’s mind, if Gregor dies by any other means, then so does any chance for catharsis. Fantasies are a safe place where one always finds the satisfaction they hoped for; however, that doesn’t mean Sandor wants to be a kinslayer like Gregor. There’s also evidence that Sandor is actually terrified of facing Gregor in reality.

During the night of the feast at the Hand’s Tourney, Sandor is drunk but definitely not in a celebratory mood. Initially, we might write off Sandor’s coarse behavior toward Sansa as nothing more than a defective personality. There’s more going on though, and easier to connect the dots with a re-reading. It’s Sandor that mentions killing his brother in his first lines to Sansa (unprompted) and then steers the conversation immediately back to Gregor (unprompted). That speaks to the thoughts that have preoccupied his mind and a subconscious urge to let them out.

“Come, you’re not the only one needs sleep. I’ve drunk too much, and I may need to kill my brother tomorrow.” He laughed again.

…

“You rode gallantly today, Ser Sandor,” she made herself say.

Sandor Clegane snarled at her. “Spare me your empty little compliments, girl … and your ser’s. I am no knight. I spit on them and their vows. My brother is a knight. Did you see him ride today?”

And what did Sandor see Gregor do when he rode that day? Straight-up murder an ill-prepared, inexperienced knight for no reason except that he could. In front of the king, in front of the Hand, in front of everyone. Once again, Gregor totally got away with it. Ser Hugh’s body was whisked away, quickly forgotten, and the blood on the ground was covered up. Sandor has probably not seen Gregor for many years. We know Sandor never revisited his family’s home and Gregor rarely left his keep except for tourneys. Sandor also never consciously intended the conversation to go as far as revealing the secret of Gregor’s attempt to murder him and the following injustice that compounded his trauma. He just sort of spilled into it. He’s less inhibited by the wine, but Sandor also seems to be disassociating while he’s re-experiencing his trauma. Sansa describes his sudden silence, his hunched over body language (making himself small), and his ragged breathing, which seems indicative of a panic attack. So Sandor’s initial laughter at the prospect of facing his Gregor the next day was really a paper-thin façade. His irritability and snappishness alongside pounding the alcohol all night don’t speak to someone who is relishing the idea of finally having the opportunity for revenge. Quite the opposite. It’s dread. Taken all together, Sandor seems to have been triggered by Ser Hugh’s murder, which mirrors the “accidental” death of their father. Sandor immediately left for Casterly Rock because he knew he was next. For the duration of the tourney, Sandor is reasonably on high-alert for another attempt on his life, which is why he says he “may need to kill his brother.” The keyword here is “need,” not “want.”

Fate did end up giving Sandor the perfect opportunity to kill Gregor the following day. When an enraged Gregor attempts to kill Loras Tyrell, Sandor intervenes and saves his life. If Sandor had killed Gregor at that moment, it would hardly be regarded as kinslaying. It would be a clear case of necessary lethal force to stop an attempted murder of a defenseless person. He might have even been rewarded for it by an overly-generous King Robert, inheriting all the Clegane lands and incomes, taking everything from Gregor in one stroke. As Ned notes, Sandor never takes a mortal strike at Gregor’s unprotected head even though he could have. When the king commands them to stop, it’s Sandor that immediately kneels in obedience. As Sansa told him in her own way, true knighthood is defined by how one chooses to act. So did Sandor really need or want to kill Gregor as he believed? Or was it Sandor himself that needed to change? In that way, “Cleganebowl” has already happened. Sandor won by choosing to be a better person, forgo revenge, and selflessly act for others. It might sound hokey, but it’s true. The moment he decided to live up to those ideals is the moment he overcame his fear of Gregor. The novels do make the point that those ideals should be a person’s guiding light, even if one’s efforts go unrecognized or unrewarded. Brienne sums this up in “no chance, no choice” when she decides to try to protect the orphans from the outlaws in Feast. In this case, Sandor is recognized and rewarded while Ser Gregor was seen for the shitbag that he is.

Likewise, vengeance against Gregor has already been taken by Oberyn Martell, who has just as much reason to hate Gregor as Sandor. The Martells have endured murdered loved ones at Gregor’s hands. Those crimes have gone unanswered for years while the perpetrators are protected by the powerful. Oberyn succeeds in making Gregor suffer horribly before dying (albeit without the confession that Tywin gave the order), but at an extreme cost. Oberyn himself is destroyed in his determination to expose Tywin’s culpability. His longtime partner, Ellaria Sand, is left grieving along with the rest of his family. His loss is permanent and irreplaceable to them. The cycle will begin again through some of his children seeking to avenge his death, this time with innocents caught up in the violence. See Ellaria’s impassioned anti-revenge speech.

But GRRM has aligned the stars in such a way that Gregor will experience a karmic justice that has poignant parallels to Sandor’s trauma.

“He is dying of the venom, but slowly, and in exquisite agony. My efforts to ease his pain have proved as fruitless as Pycelle’s. Ser Gregor is overly accustomed to the poppy, I fear. His squire tells me that he is plagued by blinding headaches and oft quaffs the milk of the poppy as lesser men quaff ale. Be that as it may, his veins have turned black from head to heel, his water is clouded with pus, and the venom has eaten a hole in his side as large as my fist. It is a wonder that the man is still alive, if truth be told.” – Qyburn, Cersei II, AFFC.

While Gregor wasn’t burned, the thickened manticore poison is slowly causing his all his organs to mortify as it spreads. Essentially, Gregor’s body is “melting” and decaying from the inside out, while he’s still alive. The same inhuman strength and size that exacerbated his sadism are now turned against him. Where average-sized men would have mercifully died long before, the poison takes a much longer time to coarse through him and to reach a level of fatal organ failure. That lifetime of opiate abuse prevented Gregor from receiving any effective pain management. He must feel every second of that “exquisite agony.” While young Sandor received treatment from a maester, Gregor’s attending maester is Qyburn. He intervenes when Cersei wants to call for Ilyn Payne to put Gregor out of his misery. Instead, Qyburn requests that Gregor be moved to the black cells so that he can conduct vivisection experiments on him and his screams will go unheard. When Gregor finally does die, he is beheaded, and his face is obliterated by flesh-eating beetles. The skull is sent to Dorne as recompense for Elia and her children, while the truth Tywin’s involvement remains suppressed. In the end, he was expendable, used up, and his suffering was buried in secrecy deep in the black cells. Sound familiar? Oh, but wait, there’s more. Gregor doesn’t even have death to look forward to. He’s taken Sandor’s place as Cersei’s shield, but this time as a headless undead slave. He has no voice, no identity except the one his master gave him. All he can do is serve and obey like a toy knight on strings…

Given all of this, what on earth could Sandor possibly do that could top what GRRM has already done to Gregor? I think karma has ticked all the boxes here. We’ve seen Gregor do horrible things to a countless number of people. Each of his crimes can’t be answered an eye for an eye. That’s impossible; however, George made Gregor’s end even more of a nightmarish version of what he did to Sandor specifically. Likewise, the Hound also dies with parallels to Gregor, but with opposite outcomes. Both brothers suffer festering mortal wounds (in Sandor’s case, from the Mountain’s men) that are killing them slowly. While Gregor confesses what he did to Elia and her children, he is incapable of remorse. Sandor’s confession before dying of his moral failures is full of remorse and empathy for those who suffered because of him. You can read more in detail about his confession here. The difference between Sandor’s mortal wounds and Gregor’s is that Sandor’s represents a purging of all the rot and sickness (his worst traits) inside him. He can be saved, and he will be saved by a holy man, an elder brother that will protect him and heal his wounds instead of inflicting them. Gregor was always rotten inside, so he’s damned. Sandor experiences a symbolic “beheading” when the Hound’s helm is placed on the grave. He is granted a rebirth and a second chance to remake his life as a better person. His identity can be reclaimed. Gregor is sentenced to undeath and Robert Strong is just an empty helmet. The message is clear that the only person Sandor needed to kill to set things right was the Hound, not Gregor.

That makes it more likely that in the future that Sandor will be in a position to put down Robert Strong in defense of others, just as he defended Loras at the tourney. He’s been made into a weapon too dangerous to exist. Mercy implies feeling empathy for his brother, and I think that might be asking Sandor to be a saint. I’m not against that idea, but I don’t believe Sandor’s redemption or character arc requires it. Sandor has experienced some dramatic changes on the Quiet Isle, but his feelings towards his brother’s fate might be more complicated and conflicted. If we liken Gregor’s undead servitude to being wighted by the Others, no matter how bad a person is, no one deserves to be enslaved to another. I think we need to see where things are going in the next book to understand exactly what George wants to say about that.

#valyrianscrolls #sandor clegane meta #sandor clegane #gregor clegane #clegane bowl #valyrian scrolls #anti cleganebowl #revenge #anti revenge #revenge narratives #oberyn martell #ellaria sand #character parallels #house clegane #anonymous #my meta #self reblog

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soberqueerinthewild · 5 years

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Chill, Kyle Valenti Respects Your Choices

So after a conversation with @ober-affen-geil I decided to re-watch every Kyle scene because he’s such a fascinating character. There are so many different things to talk about with regards to Kyle, but I want to focus on why I feel like Kyle Valenti should teach a masterclass in being a respectful, empathetic and supportive friend.

While all of the characters show support for each other throughout the show, Kyle does so in a unique way. He offers his support unobtrusively, allowing others the autonomy to choose what they need from him. When he offers advice, he doesn’t push, and respects the other person’s ultimate decision even if it’s counter to what he thinks should happen. He is also very good at putting aside his own shit and not letting it influence his advice or the support he offers to the people he cares about. Most impressively, I don’t think any of these things are instinctual to him. He’s fought hard for this growth, and he continues to work at it. There are times when his initial reactions go against this code he has worked hard to live by, and each time he pulls himself back, to realign with his morals and be the kind of person he wants to be.

I’m going to break down Kyle’s scenes with Liz and Alex, as they are the people he is closest to throughout the show.

Disclaimer: I will be comparing and contrasting Kyle’s actions with a few scenes of other characters who I feel have struggled at times to demonstrate these same traits. This is not meant as a condemnation of these characters, but rather to show how hard it can be to be supportive in the ways that Kyle is. There are of course many examples of these characters being very supportive in other instances that I’m not going to be discussing in this meta, but it doesn’t mean I’m discounting them.

Liz & Kyle:

Liz is the first character we see Kyle interact with, and their very first scene shows us Kyle being supportive while allowing Liz autonomy to choose what she needs. She goes to him when she thinks she is going crazy because she felt herself get shot, but she is fine. He does two very important things in this scene: 1) He reassures her, by giving her a logical explanation for how she’s feeling (you’re reacting to trauma) AND 2) He does what she asks of him (agrees to run the scan). He doesn’t go into doctor mode and educate her about how she couldn’t possibly be shot. He lets her decide what she needs and does it for her.

This might seem like an odd opinion, but I actually think their next scene is an even better example of Kyle offering unobtrusive support. Now I’m not saying he’s being 100% selfless in hooking up with her in the Wild Pony parking lot, but I do think his actions are consistent with these themes. First he gives her a choice about what she wants (dancing, food, movies), when she apparently decides she’d like to hook up in his car, he checks in (this is probably a bad idea), but then takes her at her word and respects her ability as an adult woman to make her own choices (I thought we were ignoring that in favor of the whole sex thing) and decides he’s fine being a distraction for her (use me, use me). 4.5 seconds later when she bails, he doesn’t get mad or pissed. When they see each other later he makes a joke about it to make sure she knows he isn’t resentful (the mid-make out abandonment was very sophomore year, I got all nostalgic).

In Kyle’s next scene with Liz, he shows his ability to listen, offer advice, and then respect her wishes. Liz asks him for the autopsy of Rosa so she can try to forgive her by focusing on the science of addiction. He gently offers his perspective (focus on the memories) but agrees to pull the autopsy for her anyways. Later, he also offers her some advice about her career path, also without pushing too hard when she seems set on leaving.

All of this trust and goodwill Kyle engenders leads Liz to trust him enough to reveal that Max is an alien. After this revelation, we see Kyle struggle with his instincts and have to work hard to push past his own shit. Despite disagreeing with her plan on how to deal with Max, Kyle recognizes that Liz is the injured party here both physically, with the burn on her arm, and emotionally, as the one closest to Rosa, and therefore he respects her decisions on how to move forward. Though he has shared some information with Jesse Manes in an initial attempt to protect Liz, he keeps back specifics from him, out of respect for Liz initially, and then due to his instincts that Jesse is dangerous.

This decision doesn’t come easily to him though. He wants to protect Liz, thinks she’s in danger, and is also struggling with his own shit from high school about Max (I never liked him, always staring at you), and initially accuses Liz of looking past the clues that point to Max because of her feelings for him (is it because he’s tall?). But despite his anger, his past shit, and disagreeing with Liz’s desire for more evidence, he respects her decision and does not take any action against Max (I mean he provokes him a little bit in 1x03 and 1x04, I’m not saying he’s a saint, though a lot of that is in the service of protecting others). And Kyle’s trustworthiness isn’t lost on Liz, Liz knows Kyle won’t go against her wishes. She says as much to Max (I know him, he won’t do anything unless…)

[Giving the injured party the autonomy to make decisions is something that Liz also does very well with Isobel in 1x12 (It doesn’t matter what Michael needs to know from him or how angry Max is. What do you need?), while we see Max really struggle with doing this (All day I’ve been telling Isobel it’s her choice what we do with you, that I’d back her play, but I want you dead.)]

The scene in Liz’s bedroom at the end of 1x04 is more evidence of Kyle’s ability to push past his own shit to support Liz. Kyle has to deal with his own feelings and defensiveness around his father. His initial reaction to Liz accusing his dad of sleeping with Rosa is understandable. He’s still grieving his dad, and this feels like a slap in the face. He accuses her of looking for anyone else to blame because she doesn’t want it to be Max, but as soon as she apologizes and admits he’s right (which is an example of Liz being a wonderful supportive friend, not wanting Kyle to have to see a hero fall), he backs down immediately, and starts to consider her point. He shares information with her and keeps working to get her answers, even as it means learning more negative things about his dad.

When Isobel is in the hospital, we again see Kyle fighting against his instincts to follow the code he’s working so hard to live by. After learning Rosa is his half-sister, his anger and stake in this alien drama increases. His instincts tell him that maybe the serum might be the solution, but it doesn’t align with his code. It’s this instinct that allows Isobel to influence him into stabbing her with the serum, because the desire was there, even though Kyle’s strong will, do no harm code, and respect for Liz would have kept him from doing it if he had free will. He then does his best to help Isobel, both physically and emotionally. He shares with us in his scene with Isobel how some of his growth happened (apparently he improved his sex skills in med school and learned empathy in his internship). We know that he wanted to become a doctor initially for the glory (he tells that to Max, tells Isobel he wanted to be Dr. McSexy), but his internship, residency, and losing his father, motivated the changes we see in him, to bring him to the supportive friend, and empathetic and caring person he is from the very start of this series.

Through to the end of the season, Kyle continues to show up for Liz. He offers his opinions, but ultimately backs Liz’s decisions around the alien problem, advising that Isobel might be more dangerous than they thought, but not stopping her from giving the antidote in 1x09, suggesting perhaps a hospital when she has a gaping stab wound in her gut, but allowing her to drink whiskey instead and stitching her up (is this the soundest decision either of them makes? Perhaps not). Kyle is such a consistent supportive person for Liz throughout the series. It’s no wonder that Kyle makes Liz feel safe.

Alex & Kyle

Kyle shows the same supportive traits with Alex. Kyle and Alex first interact in 1x05 where we quickly learn that they used to be friends, Kyle was a homophobic bully in high school, and Alex isn’t going to let him off the hook for that. However, how we view Kyle in this scene is set up by a scene in an earlier episode before Kyle and Alex even interact at all (are you calling Alex faint of heart?). That scene lets us know that Kyle’s apology to Alex is legitimate and he truly has grown, because he doesn’t only apologize to Alex when they are face to face, but shows disgust for thinly veiled homophobia when Alex wasn’t even present to see it.

Kyle’s apology scene to Alex is another example Kyle’s first instincts being less than ideal, but Kyle then coming through in a big way. Kyle first tries to gloss over their negative history (we were a good team), then tries to downplay it (I don’t know why I was like that), but when Alex won’t let him get away with it, he proves his growth by apologizing AND accepting what Alex wants from him, which is not to rehash it. @ober-affen-geil wrote a wonderful piece of meta here about this scene which you should all read, but I want to highlight that Kyle does not make Alex accept his apology to relieve his guilt, or make it all about him. He lets Alex choose what he needs, just as he did with Liz. When Kyle does offer further apology of sorts (you’re the bravest person I know) he also gives Alex space by leaving then, and again doesn’t demand any specific response from him.

In this episode, Kyle shows his ability to support unobtrusively in a physical way as well. It’s easy to miss in the show, but look at this gif of Kyle helping Alex down the ladder. He’s there if he needs him, but he doesn’t try to assume or determine what Alex will need. That is something very difficult for people to learn.

With Alex, as with Liz, Kyle’s ability to quietly offer support, leads both these somewhat guarded characters to trust him to the point where they confide in him, at which point he will offer advice, in his non-pushy way. These scenes in 1x05 lead Alex to feel comfortable enough with Kyle not to deny it when Kyle asks about Michael. Kyle is the first person that Alex allows to know about him and Michael (I mean Cam is there but she 1,000% could not care less), though he gets immediately defensive thereafter. Kyle responds to Alex’s defensiveness with the line that sums up his character well (chill, I respect your choices). He then does just that.

On top of respecting his choices, Kyle also allows space for Alex to actually talk about his feelings for Michael, something that neither Alex or Michael has really had the opportunity to do with their friends or family (or at least they have not taken the opportunity to do). Kyle could have just dropped the subject entirely when Alex is defensive about it. But instead, he gives Alex a chance to talk about it with him, knowing even if they are not friends, Alex doesn’t have other people he can talk to about all the different facets of this. (I know you don’t like me. And that’s cool, but this is all a lot. If you ever want to drop the 0800 military jargon, we can get a beer).

When Alex opens up a little bit about not wanting to believe that Michael is a threat, but feeling unsure with what they just uncovered, Kyle could have let his own shit get in the way of his advice, but he doesn’t. He has expressed concern in the past that Liz’s feelings for Max clouded her judgment and he easily could have let that influence what advice he offers Alex. He already knows that Alex is primed to hear that he shouldn’t let his feelings make him overlook something dangerous. But instead, Kyle puts his own stuff aside. He considers what Alex has shared with him (if inadvertently) about what Michael means to him, gives Alex permission to trust what he knows of Michael, and encourages him to go actually talk to Michael (which lets face it, Michael and Alex REALLY need to do more of). Alex trusts Kyle enough to heed his advice.

[It’s very easy to inadvertently let your own shit influence how you support someone else. I know I’ve done this in my own life and we see other characters do this in the show. In 1x13, we see Isobel do this with Michael when he talks to her about Alex. Perhaps this is the advice she’d give no matter what (maybe it’s time we stop looking back, and start looking forwards), but it also seems like she may be talking more to herself about Noah, than to Michael. When Liz gives advice to Maria in 1x13, (you can’t be guilty of something you can’t control), again, perhaps this is the advice she’d give anyways, but given her conversation at Rosa’s memorial at the end of the episode (I haven’t forgotten what he did to you. And I felt so guilty... for loving him), it does feel like she might be talking more about her own situation than Maria’s.]

Another important thing that Kyle does in the wake of learning about Michael and Alex, is that he doesn’t reveal to Michael that he knows. In 1x12, Michael continually antagonizes him, and Kyle could have easily thrown this knowledge in Michael’s face, but he has grown so much from high school, and seemingly recognizes that it is not his place to do. He knows what their relationship means to Alex (at least a little) and that it’s not something they talk openly about, so he is respectful of this and doesn’t bring it up. He further shows his support for Alex (and Michael) by recognizing immediately when the building is about to blow that Alex needs to be the one to go get Michael out. Even though logically it might make more sense for Alex to collect the hard drives, Kyle knows he needs to make sure Michael is safe, and he doesn’t pause to argue, just helps. This is a lovely scene between Alex and Kyle, where Alex also shows his care for Kyle (make sure you get out) in return. I suppose it shouldn’t seem like such an amazing gesture to encourage someone not to get blown up, but it is.

It’s no wonder there are so many Kylex shippers because their arc throughout the season is great, and it is lovely to see such a carefully built supportive friendship develop.

***

Kyle is a wonderful friend, but one thing Kyle forgets to do this season is seek support in the same ways that he gives it. I think this is in part because Kyle probably feels more comfortable in the role of taking care of others than seeking support himself, and because the people in the best position to check in with him are a little too distracted by other drama to appreciate how much trauma Kyle has really endured.

This is in no way saying Liz and Alex aren’t good friends to Kyle. They both show a willingness to be there for him in the wake of revelations about his father, Liz doesn’t push him to look further into his father as she doesn’t want him to have to see a hero fall. She doesn’t get angry with him for not telling her about Rosa, just offers support (you lost a sister too). Alex defends Jim to Kyle repeatedly, reminding him of his father’s positive traits in 1x05. [We don’t see much of Alex’s reactions to learning about how Jim was killed (by the alien, and by Jesse Manes) but he looks concerned. It seems that Kyle was called away by Liz before Alex and Kyle could discuss much, but I do wish we’d seen a little bit more of that scene.]

However, though they both are there for Kyle, Liz and Alex are also pulled in other directions by Max and Michael, so Kyle doesn’t choose to lean on them. It just never seems to be a right time. As a doctor, Kyle is experienced in putting on a facade of calm certainty, and not showing it when he’s overwhelmed, scared, or hurting. That can be a hard habit to break. It makes sense that he breaks down alone in 1x05 about his dad, not ready to burden Liz or his mom with that, and not yet in a good enough place with Alex to lean on him. Then there is so much going on with Isobel and the Project Shepherd/ Caulfield stuff that he barely has time to process anything. With the stress of these revelations and compassion fatigue of taking care of everyone else, it’s no wonder he reaches his breaking point in 1x13 in that gun store, and is ready to throw away his code. There is an entire other meta to be written about these few scenes, but I won’t go into it too deeply here, only to say that it’s such a testament to Kyle’s character than in the face of all this he doesn’t sacrifice his morals. He can’t, because the growth he’s fought so hard for, it’s not just in service to his father’s memory anymore, it’s a part of him. He is a man of honor, and that’s not something that anyone, least of all Jesse Manes, can take from him.

I can’t wait to see where things go for Kyle going forwards. My wishes for Kyle for season 2 are a good therapist and lots of hugs. More realistically, I’d like to see more scenes with Alex supporting Kyle, I cannot wait to see Kyle and Rosa interact, and I really just want more Kyle all the way around.

#my meta #roswell new mexico meta #kyle valenti #i love kyle #kylex frienship #kyle & alex #kyle & liz #alex manes #liz ortecho #soberqueerinthewild meta #soberqueerinthewild

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luna--reading · 5 years

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[PICK A CARD] What is going on in this connection/relationship?

Hello lovelies~ ♡

This is a pick a card reading for “What is going on in this connection/relationship?”. I picked a total of 4 cards – your energy, your partner’s energy, the energy of the relationship in general and advice – as well as 4 clarifiers and 2 oracle cards!

Do take what resonates because this is after all a general reading so it can’t possibly resonate with everyone. If you’d like a more personalised reading, do DM me as I’m currently doing free reading (as I’m still in the process of learning).

So take a few minutes to mediate on these 4 piles:

1. Ace of Diamonds

2. Ace of Spades

3. Ace of Hearts

4. Ace of Clubs

Once you’re ready, just scroll below to find the reading that you have chosen! You can always leave a comment or simply like the post if it resonates with you, thank you so much~ ♡♡♡

Pile 1 (Ace of Diamonds):

A certain conflict might have arisen between the both of you; maybe one party is trying to exert his/her own authority or power over the other party and that it resulted in conflict between the two of you (or just that things aren’t working out because one party feels like he/she is putting in most of the work and there is this imbalance in this relationship). There’s this sense of this party trying to win the other at all costs and that it might have really resulted in a bad situation where you just can’t see eye to eye with each other and that it is causing you or your partner (or have caused you or your partner) a lot of pain and hurt. Because from the cards, I see both of you being left in a defeated position – one having a lot of strong repressed energy kept within him/her and the other having to go through a major transformation.

This makes sense because the king of cups (reversed) came up as your energy and it represents water signs (mainly Scorpio). Scorpio energy is more of being very secretive, they keep a lot of things to themselves and that they get hurt very easily due to their sensitivity. And just being not in control of their own powers right now. There’s a lot of emotional instability within you and that this makes you feel like wanting to gain more control over this whole situation, whether if it’s over yourself, your partner or this whole relationship. You’re trying to keep everything to yourself and it’s causing you to be very stingy with how you express your own feelings.

On the other hand, for your partner, the ten of pentacles came up as their energy. They must have gone through a certain kind of major transformation and this transformation has made them feeling very completed and renewed right now. This transformation involved them releasing any negative energy (may be past toxic relationships or third-party situations or any other sorts of negativity) that they are not finding themselves to be fulfilling for them. They now understand that when there’s an ending to a relationship, there will be a new beginning. They have healed from the pain that they received from the past. This result in them feeling very fulfilled, they are in a very stable energy, feeling very grounded and just feeling like they do have a happy ending.

Advice to take for this reading will be to release your inner fear or any repressed emotions that you currently have. Take that step forward to make the communication and made a certain amount of clarity.

If you are the one at fault, take that step forward (if you wish to make amends in this relationship) and apologise for the hurt that you’ve made to the other party. Release yourself of this negative energy and once you find yourself at peace with yourself in regards to this relationship, that’s when healing truly occurs for you. Whether or not your partner chooses to forgive you, is up to them because I see them as someone who has already went through a major transformation and it’s not an easy change, so if they decide not to, just take this as a lesson for yourself to learn from.

If you are someone who has been holding back his/her own feelings because you are aware of the healing process that your person is going through, then I’m glad to tell you that you don’t have to repress all of that emotions you have for this person, because currently they have already gone through the healing process and maybe if you were to release those strong emotions that you have for the person, it might lead you to a happy ending.

Oracle cards:

When I accept the love of my universe as my primary teacher, I will always be guided back to the light.

True healing occurs when I give myself permission to feel whatever feelings live below the triggers.

Pile 2 (Ace of Spades):

At first, you might be someone who is trying to make a very slow offer to your person. Maybe you are unsure of this relationship or uncertain of what this person really thinks of you. While on the outside, you might seem as taking your own sweet time, but in actual fact, you are just looking for the right opportunity to make that offer. Currently, you are seeking to have a fast communication, wanting to take action, to present your person with this very stable and grounded offer.

On the other hand, your partner has something that they want to manifest (magician, reversed), they have a goal in mind – which is to have that ten of pentacles (that happy, completed family) with you – but they are uncertain on whether or not to take that step forward. They are doubtful of their own capabilities, especially based on the fact that they are unsure of how to make it happen but they seek to extend what they feel to you, to everyone around them.

There’s a lot of learning to be done in this relationship and that there will eventually come a time, when both of you feel like you have the power to be able to nurture and have a stable, secure relationship with each other. This relationship is full of stable, grounded and nurturing kind of energy. In fact, this relationship might take off slow at first but like all pentacles energy, even though it starts off as slow but as the relationship starts to take root, this relationship will be a stable and long-lasting one. I really see this as a long-term commitment for both of you.

Currently, either one or both of you are feeling this burden and that you should just release this burden. Have direct communication with each other and realise that once you start to have faith, you will be able to have an unbiased judgement towards this relationship. Especially for your partner, it is important to have them to have faith in themselves (because I see them as someone who has a lot of fear when it comes to this relationship but they do think of wanting to have this relationship) and in actual fact, I do see them as letting this fear go eventually and coming into communication with you, at a very fast pace actually. Especially with the queen of swords, she doesn’t tolerate and will definitely do everything she can to make herself clear. In fact, once you allow them to see that there is nothing to fear in this relationship, I can actually see this relationship blossoming already.

Oracle cards:

My faith has the power to turn trauma into healing, conflict into growth and fear into love.

When I lean on certainty and faith, I change my mind about the world I see.

Pile 3 (Ace of Hearts):

Currently, in this relationship, there is a lot of self-reflecting, whether if it’s you or them. If it’s you, then you might be trying to re-evaluate this whole situation as you contemplate on the next move to take. But if it’s them, then this self-reflection could have already been completed. This then calls for the need to actually try to take a proper rest and find answers from within you. The four of swords is also trying to tell you that, you’ve been acting tough for too long and that it is alright, to take this time to take a rest. As a matter of fact, there is nothing wrong with feeling drained by relationships because sometimes, when things don’t go our way, we might feel like we are not trying hard enough. But this card is trying to tell you that, it is time for you to take a step back, look inwards and just simply find inner peace first for this situation.

Eight of pentacles is a confirmation card that you have been working very hard in this relationship, trying to make this relationship work. But you’ve got to understand that while it is still a work in progress, realise that relationships are all about putting in the effort every time and it will always been a continuous progression because once one party stops putting in the effort, it just means that this relationship is coming to an end.

On the other hand, maybe it’s this work that you put in that is allowing your partner to realise that there is this person who is willing to put in that effort for me, so maybe now, I shall do the same as well. He is learning that he should give as much as he receives and this could come in that offer of love, the knight of cups, that you were hoping for. The six of pentacles could also meant that he is trying to find back the balance within this relationship as he wants to make that offer of love to you.

Initially, you might have that self-doubt in yourself when you don’t see the effort that you have made in making this relationship work. But through this period of meditation and self-evaluation, as you seek advice from within you, you must have come to a conclusion of what action to take next. Listen to your intuition and do not resist any of these intuitions that comes by. Karma (reversed) is presenting you the time to work on your self-forgiveness, self-acceptance and simply have that self-love that you should have. As you release yourself from this fear, it is time for you to take things into your power, see things with much clarity and simply just realise your own worth. With the king of swords, it’s also trying to tell you to get back into your own power, that with this clarity in mind, you can see things from a bigger picture and eventually, you will gain that inner peace that you need. Just trust that everything arranged by fate and that despite you facing some obstacles here and there, these are just tests of your own faith and that once you pass each and every test, you will eventually reach your end goal. And while you take this time to do the self-reflection, everything will fall into place nicely just for you, once you have realised your own self-worth.

Oracle cards:

Hope is the conduit for miracles.

Obstacles are detours in the right direction.

Pile 4 (Ace of Clubs):

The world (reversed) talks about how you are currently trying to seek personal closure, which could have resulted in delay towards this new relationship. This could be due to the fact that someone else (your past relationship I’m seeing) has left you out in the cold, making you feel very upset and that currently you are wanting to have that change in your love life.

On the other hand, your partner currently could be facing certain transitions with the four of wands (reversed), be it if it’s in terms of relationships or career or just simply his life. This transition could be in terms of their career, in particular, as I see the three of wands as a card of possible overseas opportunities. But if it’s not career, then maybe there are other opportunities out there right now that they are not really putting relationships as their priorities.

There is a lot of love and emotions in this pile. (Like really a lot, you have both the ace of cups and the lovers in this pile and that is just simply shouting out LOVE to me). But the ace of cups (reversed) is saying that either one or both of you are repressing these emotions to each other, which I would say the both of you actually. In actual fact, this relationship (or chemistry) might have come off as unexpected for both of you because I see that both of you are at different stages in your life right now – with one trying to have personal closure and the other having personal transitions – I see the both of you working very hard to improve yourself which is really a very good thing. And as both of you slowly try to heal yourself and find balance back in your life, that’s when both of you start to attract one another (there is a very strong attraction, especially with the lovers and it’s undeniable that you have overflowing love for each other, just that both of you aren’t willing to express these emotions to each other right now).

Both of you are currently working on yourself in various aspects and that the advice to you right now is, once you maintain this compassionate and nurturing energy. Once you have that calm and balanced life for yourself, your love life will soon follow suit and that’s when everything will start to fall into place very quickly (because the knight of wands is a very fast-moving energy). So continue healing yourself, continue working on yourself and you’ll soon find yourself in that loving energy that you seek to express to your partner. And it’s just hard for you to prepare because this will come in fast that it’ll already be in place before you know it!!

Oracle cards:

Energy flows where my intention goes.

Joy is the ultimate creator.

#pickacard #tarot #tarotreading #tarotlove #pickacardlove #lovereading #freetarotreading

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wellesleyunderground · 4 years

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Wellesley Writes It: Interview with Anissa M. Bouziane ’87 (@AnissaBouziane), author of DUNE SONG

Anissa M. Bouziane ’87 was born in Tennessee, the daughter of a Moroccan father and a French mother. She grew up in Morocco, but returned to the United States to attend Wellesley College, and went on to earn an MFA in fiction writing from Columbia University and a Certificate in Film from NYU. Currently, Anissa works and teaches in Paris, as she works to finish a PhD in Creative Writing at The University of Warwick in the UK. Dune Song is her debut novel. Follow her on Twitter: @AnissaBouziane.

Wellesley Underground’s Wellesley Writes it Series Editor, E.B. Bartels ’10 (who also got her MFA in writing from Columbia, albeit in creative nonfiction), had the chance to chat with Anissa via email about Dune Song, doing research, publishing in translation, forming a writing community, and catching up on reading while in quarantine. E.B. is especially grateful to Anissa for willing to be part of the Wellesley Writes It series while we are in the middle of a global pandemic.

And if you like the interview and want to hear more from Anissa, you can attend her virtual talk at The American Library tomorrow (Tuesday, May 26, 2020) at 17h00 (Central European Time). RSVP here.

EB: First, thank you for being part of this series! I loved getting to read Dune Song, especially right now with everything going on. I loved getting to escape into Jeehan’s worlds, though sort of depressing to think of post-9/11-NYC as a “simpler time” to escape to. My first question is: Reading your biography, I know that you, much like Jeehan, have moved back and forth between the United States and Morocco––born in the U.S.A., grew up in Morocco, and then back to the U.S.A. for college. You’ve also mentioned elsewhere that this book was rooted in your own experience of witnessing the collapse of the Twin Towers on 9/11. How much of your own life story inspired Dune Song?

AMB: Indeed, Dune Song is rooted in my own experience of witnessing the collapse of the Twin Towers on 9/11. As a New Yorker, who experienced the tragedy of that now infamous Tuesday in September almost 19 years ago, I would not have chosen the collapse of the World Trade Center as the inciting incident of my novel had I not lived through those events myself. So yes, much of what Jeehan, Dune Song’s protagonist, goes through in NYC is rooted in my own life experience. Nonetheless the book is not an autobiography — I would consider it more of an auto-fiction, that is a fiction with deep roots in the author’s experience. The New York passages speak of the difficulties of coming to terms with the tragedy that was 9/11 — out of principle, I would not have chosen 9/11 as the inciting incident of my novel if I did not have first hand experience of the trauma which I recount.

EB: Thanks for saying that. I feel like there is a whole genre of 9/11 novels out there now and a lot of them make me uncomfortable because it feels like they are exploiting a tragedy. Dune Song did not feel that way to me. It felt genuine, like it was written by someone who had lived through it.

AMB: As for the desert passage that take place in Morocco, though I am extremely familiar with the Moroccan desert — and have traveled extensively from the dunes of Merzouga to the oasis of Zagora — this portion of the novel is totally fictional. That being said, I am one of those writers who rides the line between fiction and reality very closely, so if you ask me if I ever let myself be buried up to my neck in a dune, the answer would be: yes.

EB: How did the rest of the story come about? When and how did you decide to contrast the stories of the aftermath of 9/11 with human trafficking in the Moroccan desert?

AMB: Less than six months after 9/11, in March of 2002 I was invited back to Morocco by the Al Akhawayn University, an international university in the Atlas Mountains near the city of Fez. There I gave a talk which would ultimately provide me with the core of Dune Song: the chapter that takes place in the Cathedral of Saint John the Divine, where following a mass in commemoration of the victims of the 9/11 attacks, an Imam from a Mosque in Queens was asked to recite a few verses from the Holy Quran. The Moroccan artists and academics present that day were deeply moved by my talk (which in fact simply recounted my lived experience); they told me that I should turn my talk into a novel. I thought the idea interesting and began to write, but within a year the Iraq War was launched and suddenly a story promoting dialogue and mutual understanding between the Islamic World and the West seemed to interest few, so I moved on to other things. Nonetheless, the core of Dune Song stayed with me.

Years later, as I re-examined that early draft, I realized that if I was to turn it into a novel, it had to transcend my life experience — and that is when I turned to my knowledge of the Moroccan desert and my longstanding interest in illegal trafficking across the Sahara desert. I returned to Morocco from the USA in 2003 thanks to Wellesley’s Mary Elvira Stevens Alumnae Traveling Fellowship to research what will soon be my second novel, but truth be told I got the grant on my second try. My first try in the mid-90s had been a proposal to explore the phenomenon of South-North migration across the Sahara and the Mediterranean. I remained an active observer of issues around Trans-Saharan migration, but I went to the desert three or four times on my return to Morocco before I understood that this was where Jeehan too must travel. My decision to bring Jeehan there probably emanated out of the serenity that I experienced when in the desert, but if Dune Song was to be more than just a cathartic work, I realized it should also attempt to draw a cartography of a better tomorrow — and so Jeehan would have to go to battle for others whose fate was in jeopardy because of a continued injustice overlooked by many. It seemed clear to me that Jeehan’s path and those of the victims of human trafficking had to cross. Her quest for meaning in the wake of the 9/11’s senseless loss of life depended on it.

EB: I really loved the structure of the book––the braided narratives, moving back and forth between New York and Morocco. How did you decide on this structure? And how and why did you choose to have the Morocco chapters move forward chronologically, while the New York chapters bounce around in time? To me it felt reflective of the way that we try to make sense of a traumatic event––rethinking and obsessing over small details, trying to make sense of chaos, all the pieces slowing coming together.

AMB: Fragmented narratives have always been my thing, probably because, as someone who straddles many cultures and who feels rooted in many geographies, I felt early on that fragmented forms leant themselves to the multi-layered stories that emanated out of me. My MFA thesis was an as-yet-unpublished novel entitled: Fragments from a Transparent Page (inspired by Jean Genet’s posthumous novel). Even my early work in experimental cinema was obsessed with fragmentation — in large part because I believe that though we experience life through the linear chronology of time, we remember our lives in far-less linear fashion. I agree with you that trauma further disrupts our attempts at streamlining memory. The manner in which we remember, and how the act of remembering — or forgetting — shapes the very content of our memory is essential to my work as a novelist, for I believe it is essential to our act of making meaning of our lived experience.

In Dune Song the reader watches Jeehan travel deep into the Moroccan desert. We also watch her remember what has come before. And we witness her struggle with her memories, which is why the New York chapters bounce around in time. The thing she is frightened of most — her memories of seeing the Towers crumble, knowing countless souls are being lost before her eyes — this she cannot remember, or refuses to remember clearly. And it is not until she is in the heart of the desert and is confronted with the images of the collapse of the WTC as beamed through a small TV screen in Fatima’s kitchen, that she takes the reader with her into the recollection of that trauma. Once that remembering is done, her healing can truly begin — and the time of the novel heads in a more chronological direction.

EB: While this is a work of fiction, I imagine that a significant amount of research went into writing this book, especially concerning the horrors of human trafficking. What sorts of research did you do for Dune Song?

AMB: As I mentioned earlier, beginning in the mid-nineties, the issue of human trafficking across the Sarah became a subject of academic and moral concern to me. But the fact that I grew up in Morocco, and spent many of my summers in my paternal grandmother’s house in Tangier, sensitized me to this topic very early on. Tangier, is located at the most northern-western tip of the African continent, and therefore it is a weigh station for many who aim to cross the Straits of Gibraltar with hopes of getting to Spain, to Europe. I recall a moment when as a teenager I gazed out over the Straits from the cliff of Café Hafa, where Paul Bowles used to write, and imagined that the body of water before me as a watery Berlin Wall. One of my unpublished screenplays, entitled Tangier, focused on the tragedy of those who risked their lives to cross the Straits. So, did I do research to write Dune Song? You bet — I folded into Dune Song topics that had been in the forefront of my consciousness for years.

EB: I know that Dune Song has been published in Morocco by Les Editions Le Fennec, published in the United Kingdom by Sandstone Press, published in France by Les Editions du Mauconduit, and published in the U.S.A. by Interlink Books. What was the experience like, having your book published in different languages and in different countries? Were any changes made to the novel between editions?

AMB: Dune Song was first published in Morocco in an early French translation. Initially this was out of desperation, not choice. I wrote Dune Song in English, and I shopped the English manuscript in the UK and the US to no avail. I was told by people who mattered in literary circles that the book was too transgressive to be published in either the US or UK markets. Suggestion was made to me that I remove all the New York passages from the book if I was to stand a chance of having it hit the English speaking market. I refused to do so and instead worked with my friend and translator, Laurence Larsen to come up with a French version. That being done, I shopped it around in France only to be told that a translation couldn’t be published before the original. Dismissively, I was told to seek-out who might benefit from an author like me existing. The comment hit me like a slap across the face, and I sincerely thought of giving up on the work all together — more than that, I thought I might give up on writing — but my students (who have always been a source of support for me — more on that later) convinced me not to trow in the towel. Once I had the courage to re-examine the question posed to me by the French, I realized that there was a viable answer: the Moroccans. That’s when I contacted Layla Chaouni, celebrated French-language publisher in Casablanca, and asked her if she might want to consider Dune Song for Le Fennec.

Layla’s enthusiasm for the novel marked a huge shift in Dune Song’s fortunes: the book was published in Morocco, won the Special Jury Prize for the Prix Sofitel Tour Blanche, was selected to represent Morocco at the Paris Book fair in 2017, which then lead me (through my Wellesley connections) to gain representation by famed New York literary agent Claire Roberts. It was Claire who got me a contract with Sandstone as well as with Interlink and with Mauconduit — she has been an unconditional champion of my work, and for this I will be eternally grateful. It must be noted that when the book got to Sandstone, I believe it was ‘wounded’ — it had gone through many incarnations, but I was not thrilled with the final outcome. My editor at Sandstone, the fantastic Moria Forsyth gave me the space and guidance to “heal” the manuscript — that is, she identified what was not working and sent me off to fix things, with the promise of publication as a reward for this one last push. The result was the English version that everyone is reading today (published in the UK by Sandstone and in the US by Interlink Publishing). My translator, Laurence Larsen worked diligently to upgrade the French translation for Mauconduit.

It has been a long journey, at times dispiriting, at time exhilarating. I am terribly excited that today, my Dune Song has been published in four countries, and there is hope for more. In the darkest hours of the process, I gave myself permission to give up. “You’ve come to the end of the line,” I told myself, “it’s okay if your stop writing altogether.” In hindsight, hitting rock bottom was essential, because the answer that came back to me was NO. No, I won’t stop writing. I accepted that I might never be published, but I refused to stop writing, for to do so would be to give up on the one action that brought meaning to my life.

EB: You’ve mentioned that Dune Song was originally written in English, though I am guessing, based on your background and reading the book, that you also speak Arabic and French. How and why did you decide to write Dune Song in English? And did you translate the work yourself into the French edition?

AMB: Yes, Dune Song was originally written in English. Though I speak French and Moroccan Arabic (Darija) fluently, my imagination has always constructed itself in English. Growing up in Morocco as of the age of eight, I considered English to be my secret garden — the material of which my invented worlds were made. I had often thought that my return to the United States, at the age of 18 to attend Wellesley, was an attempt to find a home for my words. Even today, living in Paris, I continue to write in English.

I chose not to translate Dune Song into French myself, primarily because my French does not resemble my English — it exists in a different sphere belonging more to the spoken word. I wanted a translator to show me what my literary voice might sound like in French. I have done a fair amount of literary translation, but always from French into English, and not the other way around. Nonetheless, as you rightly noted, I have actively wanted to give my readers the illusion of hearing Arabic and French when reading Dune Song. I like to refer to this as creating Linguistic Polyphony: were the base language (in this case English) is made to sing in different cords. I think my French translator, Laurence Larsen was able to reverse this process and give the French text the illusion of hearing English and Arabic.

EB: In addition to your research, what other books influenced or inspired Dune Song? My fiancé, Richie, happened to be reading the Dune chronicles by Frank Herbert while I was reading your book, and then I laughed to myself when I saw you reference them on page 56.

AMB: The Dune Chronicles, of course! Picture this: a teenage me reading Frank Herbert’s Dune while waiting at the Odaïa Café on the old pirate ramparts of Rabat while my mother was shopping in the medina. I read twelve volumes of the Chronicles. Reading voraciously in English while growing up in Morocco was one of the ways for me to always ensure that my imagination was powering up in English. You’ll note that I give Jeehan this same passion for books. Many of the books that she turns to in her time of need are the books that have shaped who I am and how I see the world: Marquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude, Allende’s House of Spirits, Okri’s The Famished Road, Calvino’s The Colven Vicount, Aristotle’s The Poetics, Edna St. Vincent Millay’s poetry…

EB: What are you currently reading, and/or what have you read recently that you’ve really enjoyed? What would you recommend we all read while laying low in quarantine?

AMB: I’m one of those people who reads many books (fiction, non-fiction, and poetry) at the same time. If I look at my night stand right now, here are the titles I see: in English — Hannah Assadi’s Sonora, Ward’s Sing, Unburied, Sing, Du Pontes Peebles’ The Air You Breathe, and Margo Berdeshevsky’s poetry collection: Before the Drought, in French — Santiago Amigorena’s Le Ghetto intérieur, and Mahi Binebine’s La Rue du pardon.

In quarantine, Margo’s poetry has provided me with a level of stillness and insight I did not realize I longed for — and has seemed prescient in its understanding of humanity’s relationship to our planet.

EB: On your website, you mention you are also a filmmaker, an artist, and an educator in addition to being a writer. How do you think working in those other fields/mediums influences your writing? How do you think being a writer influences those other pursuits?

AMB: Writing as an act of meaning making is the mantra I constantly recite to my students. In my moment of greatest despair, they echoed it back to me. Why do I allow myself this type of discourse with my students? Because as a high school teacher of English and Literature, my speciality is the teaching of writing. While at Columbia University, though enrolled in a Masters of Fine Arts in Fiction at the School of the Arts, I had a fellowship at Columbia Teachers College, specifically with The Writing Project lead by Lucy Calkins (today known as The Reading and Writing Project). There I worked as a staff developer in the NYC Public School system and conducted research that contributed to Lucy’s seminal text, The Art of Teaching Writing. Over the years my students have helped me realize why we bother to tell stories and how elemental writing is to our very humanity. I could never divorce my writing from the act of teaching.

Regarding cinema, as I mentioned earlier, my frustration with how to translate multi-lingual texts into one language is what originally drove me to experiment with film. What I discovered as I dove deeper into the medium, was how key images are to the act of storytelling. Once I returned to writing literature, I retained this awareness of the centrality images in the transmission of lived experience. I smile when readers of Dune Song point out how cinematic my writing is — film and fiction should not stand in opposition one to the other.

EB: Writing a book takes a really long time and can be a really lonely and frustrating experience. Who did you rely on for support during the process? Other writers? Family? Friends? Fellow Wellesley grads? What does your writing/artistic community look like?

AMB: It took me over ten years to write and publish Dune Song. The tale of how it came to be is almost worthy of a novel itself. When things were at their most arduous, I went back to reading Tillie Olsen’s Silences, about how challenging it is for women to write and publish — it was a book I had been asked to read the summer before my Freshman year. Though I won’t tell the full story here — I must acknowledge that without the support of my sister, Yasmina, and my parents, as well as essential and amazing women in my life, many of them from Wellesley, Dune Song would never have seen the light of day. Sally Katz ‘78, has been my fairy-godmother, all good things come to me from her, plus other members of the astounding Wellesley Club of France, especially its current president, my dear classmate, Pamela Boulet ‘87. I must thank my earliest Wellesley friend, Piya Chatterjee ’87, who plowed through voluminous and flawed drafts. Karen E. Smith ’87, who reminded me of my creative abilities when I seemed to have forgotten, and who brought her daughter to my London book launch. Dawn Norfleet ’87 who collaborated with me on my film work when we were both at Columbia, and Rebecca Gregory ’87, with who was first in line to buy Dune Song at WH Smith Rue de Rivoli, and Kimberly Dozier ’87, who raised a glass of champagne with me in Casablanca when the book first came back from the printers. The list of those who helped me get this far and who continue to help me as I forge ahead is long - and for this I am grateful… writing is a thrilling but difficult endeavor, and without community and friendship, it becomes harder.

And since the book has been published, the Wellesley community has been there for me in ways big and small, even in this time of COVID. Out in Los Angeles, Judy Lee ’87 inspired her fellow alums to read Dune Song by raffling a copy off a year ago — and now, they have invited me to speak to their club on a Zoom get-together in June!

EB: Speaking of Wellesley, and since this is an interview for Wellesley Underground, were there any Wellesley professors or staff or courses that were particularly formative to you as a writer? Anyone you want to shout out here?

AMB: When a student at Wellesley, a number of Professors where particularly supportive of me and my work. At the time, I was a Political Science and Anthropology major; Linda Miller and Lois Wasserspring of the Poli-Sci department were influential and present even long after I graduated, and Sally Merri and Anne Marie Shimony of the Anthropology department helped shape the way I see the world.

Any mention of my early Wellesley influences must include Sylvia Heistand, at Salter International Center, and my Wellesley host-mother, Helen O’Connor — who still stands in for my mother when needed!

More recently, Selwyn Cudjoe and the entire Africana Studies Department, have become champions of my work. Thanks to their enthusiasm for Dune Song, I was able to present the novel at Harambee House last October and engage in dialogue about my work with current Wellesley students and faculty. This was a remarkable experience which gave me a beautiful sense of closure regarding the ten-year project that has been Dune Song. Merci Selwyn!

I speak of closure, but my Dune Song journey continues, just before the pandemic, thanks to the Wellesley Club of France and Laura Adamczyk ’87, I was able to meet President Johnson and give her a copy of Dune Song!

EB: Is there anything else you’d like the Wellesley community to know about Dune Song, your other projects, or you in general?

AMB: Way back at the start of the millennium, when the Wellesley awarded me the Mary Elvira Stevens Traveling Fellowship, I set out to excavate family secrets and explore the non-verbal ways in which generation upon generation of mothers transmit traumatic memories to their daughters. My research took me many more years than expected, but I am now in the process of writing that novel, along with a doctoral thesis on Trauma and Memory.

In conjunction with this second novel, I am working with Rebecca Gregory ’87, to produce a large-scale installation piece exploring the manner in which the stories of women’s lives are measured and told.

EB: Thank you for being part of Wellesley Writes It!

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theheartofpenelope · 5 years

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Simple Things : Chapter twelve

Excerpt - “I demand an appeal,” he muttered as he turned a corner. “You what?!” “Well, isn’t that what they do in your job?” Charlotte snapped her head back. Oh really? Trapped in a car. In traffic. No way for an escape. And he wants to plead his case. Fucking perfect. Tag list: @winterisakiller, @devikafernando, @scorpionchild81, @messy-insomniac-bookgirl, @smutsausage, @hiddlesbitch1 @noplacelikehome77 @wolfsmom1 @meh1217 @dina-bln @lilaeye39 @tinchentitri @fairlightswiftly @nonsensicalobsessions @wolfsmom1 @stmeiou @ink-and-starlight @givemecocoaa @profkmoriarty13 @nikkalia @massivelemon @lotus-eyedindiangoddess @argo-shila @emoietmoi @redfoxwritesstuff @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @raining-litter @theoneanna @coppercorn-and-cauldron @turniptitaness @shadyskit @memoriesat30 @antyc67 @just-the-hiddles @sheris532 @marggot4 Author’s Notes/Warnings: tags will follow later on Anyway thank you in advance for feedback - would love to know what you think…Also on AO3 through this link Masterlist available through here Bonus: click here for the pinterest moodboard (always updated)

Chapter twelve Wednessday - A chance encounter in London

1. See

Charlotte politely followed the HR consultant as he escorted her into the sleek elevator. He was a middle-aged man who oozed self-confidence, he knew very well what he wanted and what he was looking for. He’d been quite rigid and resolute all throughout the meeting.

She had been a little surprised an HR manager was attending said lengthy meeting, but then again this wàs the Royal London Hospital and this might be a very strict protocol they had to live up to. Breaking it was no doubt sacrilegious in these parts of the country.

The executive directors of the Royal London Hospital had very clearly outlined their ‘vision’ for the hospital to Charlotte, requesting her take on things and requesting a well-documented legal counsel. Truth-be-told Charlotte had expected she was called in for this kind of professional advice. However she was not expecting that her response would be met the way it was…

As she politely but determinedly rejected some of their desiderata, some glances were exchanged on the other side of the table, a few nods and gestures went back and forth which Charlotte found utterly distracting. Where was their protocol now, she mused.

But all became clear when the meeting somehow, very openly, turned into a job-offer towards her. A very generous offer was instantly extended to her; and a temporary assignment to work out a new policy on end-of-life decisions in the Royal London Hospital. The fucking Royal Hospital, her mind has yelled out, the state-of-the-art hospital, globally recognized as a leader in pre-hospital and trauma care. Home to London's Air Ambulance and one of the capital's leading trauma and emergency care centres and hyper-acute stroke centres. And they wanted her…

Charlotte would be allowed to compile a multidisciplinary corps and an assistant would be appointed to her. The extent of the offer dizzied her, yet thrilled her at the same time. It was a dream come true. Well, more than that really…

Things were moving fast for her now. At least that’s how it felt for her. She started with only a handful seminars, but was now well-booked for the rest of the summer, with the occasional interview here and there. And now there was this offer on the table she could not quite wrap her mind around yet.

As she stepped into the elevator the HR manager kindly exchanged some more small talk with her. He seemed like an amiable man. With a smile he tapped the elevator buttons and started their descent down to the lobby.

No, never in her wildest dreams had Charlotte expected her road to lead her where it had so far. And this at only 36 years of age. This was wild. This went beyond her imagination. And Charlotte half expected to be woken up by the shrill tone of her alarm clock. She discreetly pinched her nails into her arm - just in case - but this was no dream apparently. The shrill alarm clock didn't sound, but the elevator did chyme and a monotone female voice announced the occupants they had reached the fourth floor, then the second floor and so on.

People trickled in and out the elevator and before she was good and well aware Charlotte had reached the ground floor. She smiled in agreement with the HR consultant as he thanked her for her time, which she countered with a thank you for having me. Ping-pong, as you go...

"And we'll be looking forward to hearing your decision," the HR consultant concluded their conversation, "and maybe I shouldn't say this, but we àre passionately hoping you'll be willing to work with us."

In her head Charlotte positively screamed fucking Royal London!, but in reality she smiled her best diplomatic smile. And while she shook his hand - firmly -, she politely answered she was absolutely honoured and would think the offer through.

Upon exiting the elevator on a pure adrenaline high, Charlotte inattentively bumped against a hurried nearby stranger who jogged out of an opposing elevator. Shaking the momentary lapse of concentration out of her head, she turned to the other party with a slightly surprised frown which swiftly morphed into a recognition, and then an awkward yet lukewarm smile.

"Charlotte?"

"Tom?"

2. See closer

3 days after Fringe. 3 nights after that night. 3 days and 3 nights without a single word. In either direction.

Charlotte’s heart thudded loudly and nervously in her chest. She was however oblivious whether this nervous spell was a good or a bad thing. Should she crawl under a rock and make herself scarce after exchanging the necessary small talk or should she act unaffected, like he was? Or should she take a breath, straighten her shoulders and ask for an answer in the hopes it could heal that awful gnawing feeling the aftermath of Edinburgh had left her with...

As she came round to a mute double (or was it triple?) take, she noted Tom seemed just as much out of his comfort zone as she was. And in a weird way it thrilled her. Karma. Suits him well. She could see him running his tongue over his lips before gently biting them shut. His hands fidgeted with the paperwork he held in his hand while he repeatedly re-adjusting his glasses.

Charlotte’s heartbeat however dropped some when she detected the variety of papers Tom had now safely tucked under his arm. So much papers after a doctor’s appointment, and that did not look good. At all. He didn’t look hurt. Was he sick? He seemed nervous, sweaty. He was silent, not at all like the Tom she’d come to know….

Her gaze got caught on the documents, but this point she couldn’t care less about that.

“Are - Are you alright?” Charlotte immediately questioned; she was worried. No point in denying this.

Her wall of defence had slipped and Tom could hear the concern in her voice inkling through. A small little frown came across her features. Only instantly, but he noticed nonetheless. And he thankfully concluded that perhaps she wasn’t yet hating him with the fire of a thousand suns…

"Yeah, no, I erm,” he stuttered, “I just had the obligatory medical check-up for a next project. But you?"

He was astounded though, for a woman who was most definitely not an actress she slid back into her defensive pose oh-so easily. A tall blank wall arose, that gave way to nothing or nobody. He swore he had caught a glimmer of relief into her eyes before though, but all sympathy had fled from her now.

“Good-good,” she replied with formal nod, “just - work.”

Tom took notice of how curt she suddenly acted. How could he not. But to Charlotte it was simply her only means as she desperately did not want to feel a single thing. Not those stupid-ass fireflies, not the inexplicable angry hurt, not the stomach drop. None of it. She wanted nothing more than to be cool and step over all of this matter-of-factly. Her gut swirled with bottled up questions and insecurities, but she would have none of that. Water under the bridge.

Get over it Daniëls. He sure has.

3. Believe

Charlotte slid into the leather seats of his fancy car. A fresh cool bottle of water clasped in her hands. He’d paid for it despite her vehement veto. He wouldn’t listen though. And now she was here, in his car, because he offered to drive her to the St. Pancras Station. She’d refused, replying she was taking the underground so he really shouldn’t bother. It was noon. Traffic would be a mess, etc. However she ended up giving in to this request - albeit reluctantly - because he was right on one thing; they needed to talk. Privately if possible and the hospital lobby was just no place to do just that.

But in spite of that, they did not exchange one word once inside the car. Tom pulled out of the underground parking with a silent ease. And emerging in the London streets and into the full sunlight, he reached out for his trusted sunglasses. Meanwhile the familiar scent of leather and some citrussy car perfume tempted Charlotte’s mind into a trip down memory lane, back to another night several weeks back in time. A night with equally nervous heart flutters, but for entirely different reasons.

He queued down the main road, while desperately trying to sort his thoughts before settling on a

“You’ve never answered me…”

Charlotte remained at a loss for words for a couple of seconds before huffing a vexed “honestly?!” and shaking her head in disbelief.

He could hear her as she exhaled loudly, seemingly trying to get her mind pulled back together again,

“With quite a delay I got your texts and,” a pause, “your voicemail.”

His eyes urged her on.

"You said - if memory serves me well, and it usually does - that you wished you'd said ‘goodbye’.” Charlotte paused, “forgive me but I thought that was how this worked for you."

"How what worked?"

"You didn't show up!!" She didn’t mean for her voice to go up in pitch and she furiously furrowed her brows to compensate for it, "I mean, it's all right, I was ….. naive I guess? Somewhere I knew I wouldn't see you again that night, but yet hoped for it. Against better judgement."

"Wha, wh- why would you expect I wouldn't show up?"

Charlotte lifted her chin and rested her head against the headrest while releasing a cold and hollow laugh, which he didn’t particularly cared for, "To-om!"

But he remained silent, a bit dumbfounded and clueless for what to say next. A car behind them honked, frustrated Tom had failed to acknowledge the light turning green and was still at a halt.

"You don't want to let anybody down, I understand," Charlotte muttered, "no need to..."

"Only I did," he interrupted, "I let you down, I let myself down. I’m just…”

“Just stop it,” Charlotte interjected as she shook her head in seeming defeat and looked at him wearily.

“You know, I hate it how you are making all of this around you?”

“I’m sorry,” he blinked twice, “come again?”

"Like it’s all your hurt feelings in the scale here. It drives me mad….” she huffed, “You know, I think or at least I hope we've established in the past that I'm not really the type of girl that just goes crawling into bed with someone on a whim?”

Charlotte gestured aggravatedly, “so excuse me if I'm a bit rough around the edges here, but I clearly heard you say ‘goodbye’ to me. So, what else would there be left for me to say? It didn't really feel like a message that allowed any type of answer…"

“So just,” she sighed, “let’s just call this for what this is or was. And move on?”

A pang went straight through his heart. He saw her turning away and looking through the window from the passenger seat at the building that passed her by. Good. He desperately needed a minute to himself to let her words sink in. He couldn’t quite grasp the fact that she would see him as this promiscuous playboy who just went sleeping around with whomever struck his fancy...

“I demand an appeal,” he muttered as he turned a corner.

“You what?!”

“Well, isn’t that what they do in your job?”

Charlotte snapped her head back. Oh really?

Trapped in a car. In traffic. No way for an escape. And he wants to plead his case. Fucking perfect.

“You know,” he argued more determined now, “you keep saying, ‘let’s call it what it is’. And then you do just that. And proceed to you turn your back on me. And it’s settled?” he questioned.

“But what about me? Do I at least get the chance to call it what it was for me?” he pressed on, “I do feel like you owe it to me to let me explain..."

"Owe it to you?" she frowned with a huff, hovering clearly unsettled.

"Yes, Charlotte,” he replied. Curt. To the point.

“And if you truly feel the way you say you do - I promise, I will not push this matter further. However I will not let you silence me before I have spoken my part.”

"I wanted to see you that night. But the crowd, .... and then some fans walked up and then there was this critic," he sighed in utter frustration and banged the steering wheel in sheer annoyance, "I am an idiot! I know I am. And I should have been more firm. I went about it all wrong. And for that I will be forever angry with myself."

“But,” he sighed, “I did want to see you and ... verify that the other night was not just a dream. I longed to see you. To hear you. To hold you and to kiss you goodnight. Not goodbye.” he shook his head in disbelief.

“And if I said that wrong on your voicemail then I apologize for it. All of it. I was tired. Impatient.”

Heartbroken

He held her gaze, “I am not thàt type of man you seem to want to take me for, I am not the type to sleep around. You must believe me on this one. I might not have the best track-record with you so far; I admit,” he added a bitter laugh, “but this is true. I promise you that."

She kept silent. This seemed like a good sign…

"But Charlotte, I called you and went straight to voicemail. To me, that was quite a clear message as well... No response is still a response, Charlotte,” he concluded.

"Have you spoken your peace, Tom?"

He replied to her with a silent surprised nod.

“Apparently,” she mumbled, “when you attach a cell-phone to a power bank it shuts off everything so it loads faster…”

“Of course,” he wrinkled his nose as he shrug his shoulders as if to convey her he did not see the point of this lesson, “that’s the way they work.”

Charlotte raised an eyebrow ironically, “well congrats to you but I didn’t know that.”

“What on earth?”

“In Edinburgh, a colleague of mine lent one to me… my battery was running low and … I didn’t want to miss any….” She furrowed her brows and looked down at the drink in between her hands. “I didn’t have a watch. My cell is … my clock, my calendar. It erm - it automatically put me in flight mode. I didn’t realize. And I’m sorry about that.”

He looked back at her with sympathy and nodded, “ok.”

She nodded with a kindhearted smile, “so, appeal granted. It’s good we talked. But, you don’t want this."

"Ouch," he chuckled and clutched his heart. "Well that stung. For a minute there I thought he came to an understanding here?"

"Don't miss my point," Charlotte slanted her head and looked at him with sympathy.

"And don't you miss mine,” he interrupted her, “because even though you believe you speak the truth, you are wrong."

"Am I?"

"So very wrong! Because, as it turns out, I do wànt this,” he gestured between them, “or at least a fair chance at this.”

But Charlotte only rolled her eyes and turned her gaze outwards again.

“My god! I swear there are pitbulls that are less tenacious than you!”

Charlotte grunted and looked down at the bottle in between her hands, before a stupid grin fell from her lips.

“I swear,” he shook his head, “so help me god.”

“And now she’s laughing… You’re putting me through hell here darling...”

“I’ve missed not talking to you,” he finally dared to confess, “And I so desperately wanted to reach out to you, only I … don’t know where you live, I didn’t know where you’d be? So,” he lingered, “I sent flowers to your firm.”

“Well congratulations to Luke,” Charlotte rolled her eyes.

“I tend to pick and send my own flowers, darling. I’m very precise about those things.”

She kept silent. Good.

Tom stared at the steering wheel before him,“Gladiolus, for strength of character, honor and conviction. And they needed to be white; the color of perfection, safety, purity and faith. Writing the accompanying card was an outright hell though because the odds were your colleagues might get it before you did.”

“That was you?” Charlotte reminisced a WhatsApp from her office depicting a gorgeous bouquet and demanding what she had said or done to deserve the honour of such a wonderful bouquet. They couldn’t make out the card though. It only mentioned one word, but the meaning of it was lost on everyone.

Until now.

“Maktub,” Charlotte whispered, to which he nodded.

‘Maktub.’ ‘It is written’.

A deep belief about destiny Paulo Coelho writes about in ‘the Alchemist’ where he captured it in just one word. Maktub. Everything is destined and written. How when and where has already been planned and we shall not get anxious about it. Just little patience and it will just come with time provided and the efforts needed.

She glanced up in his eyes that convey nothing but a clear bluegreen sincerity. She wanted to ask him to say that again, for good understanding. But he gladly repeated it on his own accord.

And there went her heart. In one thousand pieces, scattered all over the ground.

4. Achieve

He officially declared traffic was an absolute mess. It was barely noon and within 20 minutes he had barely made any significant progress towards Saint Pancras Station. Worriedly he inquired with Charlotte when her train was departing and when she quietly confessed “16:03” he dropped his chin to his chest and bit his lip trying to suppress a laugh.

“Can I propose lunch now?” he chuckled, to which she pleasantly nodded. That would be alright.

They agreed they would start over at lunch, wipe the slate clean. Talk. And reset.

Tom made a swift U-turn, sneaking into smaller streets. Homeward. He wanted to let out Bobby first, drop of his paperwork, leave his car. Charlotte wordlessly followed his path.

The chocolate brown Cocker Spaniël happily greeted his master as Tom set foot into his house. Charlotte followed quietly, awkwardly. Bobby sniffed her legs both suspiciously and curiously. When she crouched down and offered him the palms of her hands, he studied and snuffed them gratefully, ultimately giving them a little lick before ignoring her completely and favouring Tom over her.

Tom chuckled, “well, you’re accepted it seems.”

He clicked his tongue, guiding Bobby out into his backyard while Charlotte nervously waited around the living room. She wanted to go explore his bookshelf across the room. As she progressed down the room she admired the stupendously comfy-looking lounge chair and fought the urge to try it out herself. As she ran her fingertips over the fragments of paper that lay scattered around a reading table, her eyes fell upon an article with her name on it, post-its with scribblings on it. An email address, a phone number, some doodling, scratched out words. City names. As she picked up the interview curiously, a second one featuring her appeared underneath. Charlotte chuckled, had he really been trying to track her down?

A soft chuckle brought her back to reality. Tom stood against the door frame, smiling bashfully.

“Caught me red handed.”

But Charlotte could only look at him, rendered speechless.

“Wasn’t lying,” he reminded her, “wanted you. Want you. If you’ll have me.”

It turned out to be the most difficult question anybody had ever asked her.

Do I want this - Do I want to invest in this, whatever it is, potentially discovering it would be only a waste of her time.

Charlotte stood by her belief that notwithstanding their shared morals or values, their common interest or visions, they did remain so different on countless other things. Things that mattered just as much. And you did need some common ground to form a solid basis on which you can build your relationship. Without a solid base everything goes to waste. Hell, even with a solid base things could very well still go to waste. Her marriage was a perfect example of the latter.

On the other hand though... this was him. The man that slowly but surely had crawled under her skin. Attentive, interested, good hearted. And when she’d crumbled down in Germany he was there, while he didn’t really need to be there. Yet there he was, offering support when she had needed it most. He unknowingly found the smallest of cracks in the seemingly airtight seal around her heart and nestled himself inside. Gentleman-like, well dressed and with a good book. Ever patient. Trustworthy. Present. Shit.

Her stomach was in knots when she came to realise, that day, what her heart had known deep down a few days earlier; she could not walk away. Not from this man. But the future scared her nonetheless.

"But - we're as different as chalk and cheese,"

"Are we?"

She smiled, "we live out of our respective suitcases."

"For now," he corrected her.

"Yes, for now. But when I touch down after all this...."

"You'll still only be 2 hours away,"

"But..."

"I dare you," he grinned, feeling he was winning this battle.

"Brexit," Charlotte tried.

"Honestly, Brexit? Of all excuses you come up with, Brexit?"

"Well,..."

"I will gladly add some more pages to my passport. For you," he paused. “Come on darling, don’t hold back now,” he teased, “any objection you have, give it to me. I will gladly deny or overcome every single one.”

“To-om,” she slanted her head. He liked this ‘To-om’ better, when her voice was full of loving emotion again.

“Either you go at it with passion, or not at all,” he added.

“Permission to engage the enemy sir?” he chuckled.

Charlotte rewarded him with a lopsided smile. Momentarily banning all scary thoughts out of her head she gladly but carefully opted to open her heart and take the leap of faith. As petrifying as it felt. Her smile was all the persuasion Tom needed to walk the short distance between them. He stroked her dark brown tresses, admiring her soft feminine features and seeing if he’d remembered them correctly.

She closed her eyes when he slid his hand into her hair and slowly he leant in for a soft kiss. And another one. And another. Sweet and innocent, little testaments of adoration and longing. She ran a hand up from the nape of his neck and through his curls. She’d missed this, that much was true already. And she allowed herself to revell in this sudden rush of enamourment.

She felt his lips curve into a smile in between pecks.

“‘m getting better at this,” he whispered

“Hmm?”

“Third time's a charm. No interruptions here, only Bobby.”

“Nu-uh,” Charlotte breathed, “you’re still buying me lunch Hiddleston.”

Later that afternoon Charlotte lovingly petted Bobby's head before making her leave. Tom had signed up for ComiCon in Vienna, which coincided with her seminar. Only two more days and they would be together again. After sharing a loving last kiss, Charlotte stepped outside into an unsure yet thrilling future.

Tom had asked her to call him when she'd arrived home, claiming he'd only worry until he'd heard from her. He was so easy to love.

Two more days….

#tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston x ofc #simple-things

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snowbellewells · 5 years

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Self Promo Sunday: “Take Me Home to Your Arms”

(For this week’s Self Promo Sunday, here’s a little piece I wrote back during the hiatus between 5a and 5b. Certainly, like many of us, I was wondering what might be happening to Killian in the Underworld and how Emma and the rest were going to get him back. This little Underworld spec fic was one of my attempts to answer those questions, and it kept growing longer as I wrote too. It’s obviously canon-divergent now, but I hope you will read it, enjoy, and let me know what you think. I apologize in advance for the Killian trauma. It's not that I want to hurt him, but this was the image of the Underworld and its suffering which first took root in my head, even if it didn’t go that way, and I truly wanted to see Emma come to his rescue, just as he has decided to go after her and fight for her so many times, whatever the risk to himself and his own safety.)

(Of course I don't own them. The title and opening lyrics are from the song "Take Me Home" by US.)

"Take Me Home to Your Arms"

By: @snowbellewells

"I'm only happy when I'm with you, home for me is where you are…

I won't be happy 'til I'm with you, home for me is where you are,

These four walls mean nothing without you, home for me is where you are,

They tell me that I'll make it, it'll only be a while, but a while lasts forever without you;

Send out the alarms, I'm all alone,

Wrap me in your arms and take me home…"

Her footsteps fell quickly on the pavement, frantic in the dark. Emma Swan couldn't sleep, couldn't rest, couldn't stop. She could not wait any longer, and she wasn't sure why she had hesitated as long as she did, how she hadn't realized she could get to her pirate and find him sooner; the desperation now so intense it nearly possessed her.

Surprisingly, Regina of all people was the one only two steps behind her, anxious to find "Captain Guyliner". For all of the ways the queen and the pirate argued, needled, and harassed each other to the point of distraction, clearly – despite her derision of Hook and talk of his faults – the regal had missed her favorite "nemesis" and sparring partner more than she would ever admit aloud. That Regina took Emma's part when the others questioned the possibility of her plan, that Regina spoke up of her own accord and agreed it could work, meant the world to Emma. It had set them all in motion and brought them to the edge of the lake. It was only a matter of time before she made her way to Killian's side again.

Though Gold had gotten them to the Underworld easily enough, he had also predictably vanished on some venture of his own almost immediately after their arrival. Snow and Charming had gone to search by the water and in the forest, and Robin had seemed the most capable and likely person to send with them. Emma wanted to think they would all be fine, that splitting up would only allow them to cover that much more ground and find Killian sooner, but she couldn't help worrying for them as well as her sailor, when she couldn't see or know what they might run into. Forcing herself to re-focus,her mind whispered, 'Killian, where are you? Come back to me…'

Without her even being aware until they blurred her vision of the streets, silent tears were coursing down her face. The streets before them were so similar to the Storybrooke routes grown familiar, only darker and shrouded in eerie smoke. She would not allow it to slow her, and she pressed on blindly, unsure where to look as her eyes swept from side to side, certain that Killian must be close by. Once she saw him, Emma ached to fall on her knees at his side and beg his forgiveness, express her endless remorse for all the ways she had gotten it wrong in trying to save him, and he had paid the price. In horrific detail, she kept seeing the light fade from his blue, blue eyes, hearing his ragged plea to grant his wishes this time, his anguished cry and the wet, sucking sound as the blade slid home in his body. Her torment repeated picturing what he might be going through in the domain of Hades. Was he still in pain? Was he being punished, taunted, tortured beyond the injuries she herself had inflicted? Even once she reached him, would she ever be able to make things right?

Emma might well have kept running aimlessly forever – not willing to give up or rest – but the fog thickened further, obscuring the twisted versions of Gold's pawn shop, Marco's woodworking studio, Maurice French's delivery van at the curb, and Granny's diner, to the point that she could barely make out any of the landmarks or see to take a step in front of her. Hesitating, breath coming out in frantic pants and eyes darting wildly, she nearly panicked, staring in one direction and then another helplessly.

It was then, when despair began to creep in and take her over, that a warm, comforting hand slipped into hers, squeezing firmly. "Mom!" Henry's ever-deepening voice called her back, cutting through her whirling thoughts and clearing her mind. "Calm down. You have to use your magic. It's powered by love. Focus on Killian, on how much you need to find him, and we'll get there…I know it."

Blinking away the tears which had barely let up their entire time in this twisted mockery of their hometown, Emma managed to give her brave, amazing son a tremulous smile. Nodding in affirmation, she took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and tried to focus on Henry's encouragement. She finally believed that Killian was her True Love, she planned to attempt splitting her heart to share with him; her magic should lead them to her pirate. She needed to calm down and allow it to work. It only took her other True Love buoying her up to remind her. This had to work…and it would!

Henry didn't let go of her hand, but stood right next to her offering his strength and belief, ready to venture forward at her side. Emma closed her eyes, raised her other hand slightly, and sent out tendrils of her magic, seeking, searching for Killian.

"You can do it, Mom," Henry urged, rooting her on. "I want him back too. He can't be far!"

Maybe it was Henry's faith, or maybe Regina had found a way to get her magic, which had been shorting out since they'd entered the realm of the dead, working again; whatever it was, the way ahead grew more visible as they pushed forward quietly. An even more complete and odder hush than they had been keeping fell over their small trio as through the smoke and fog the clock tower and library abruptly appeared before them. A chill of foreboding ran up Emma's spine, and she clutched Henry's hand in hers more tightly. She couldn't explain how she knew it, but this was where they needed to be. Kilian was nearby. Her own magic felt as though it were reaching out and trying to find him, as she'd hoped, or that the connection she knew was between them was asserting itself at last. It didn't matter that this sinister version of the clock tower looked like the last place she wanted to enter, if Killian Jones was in there, then that was exactly where she would go.

Nodding toward the building which towered over them, Emma only said with a grim determination, "He's in there."

Henry looked over at her, no longer having to tilt his chin up, almost as tall as his mom, and merely met her eyes with a nod before replying, "Then let's go get him," his face as set and determined as hers.

Regina's expression was grim as well, and she flexed her hand, making sure there was a fireball ready if they needed it. "In a way, it makes a twisted sort of sense," she conceded, moving to follow them without hesitation. "Maleficent's dungeon is beneath the library, ready for Hades to use."

Pushing open the door, the three cautiously stepped through the darkened entryway of the building. Where Belle was usually standing at the circulation desk to greet those who entered her library in Storybrooke with a bright, excited smile and ink-smudged fingers, here nothing greeted them but unnatural, hovering stillness, the musty, dry smell of books left unread and long forgotten, and the dank grey interior that urged them to turn back before they were lost within its depths. If Emma hadn't been certain this was the place before, she was sure now – this was where they would find Killian. The very structure itself seemed to be trying to unnerve them, as if afraid they would succeed.

"Here, Miss Swan," Regina spoke up crisply, still focused and business-like, breaking into Emma's cluttered thoughts.

Glancing up, Emma found the other woman standing at an exact replica of the elevator down to the basement which had once held the dragon-wraith of her former friend. Obviously the mayor didn't wish to waste any more time here than was strictly necessary – whether she would admit to being unsettled or not – and Emma couldn't agree more. She crossed the room with Henry to stand at his other mother's side. They looked into the elevator for a moment, then swallowed hard and pressed on.

The old lift creaked and groaned as it brought them down into the depths below the false clock tower, and it only grew darker and danker the further they went. By the time they reached the bottom, Emma couldn't see her hand in front of her face it was so deeply black and the fog so thick. If she felt it would be any safer, she would have urged Henry to stay – but she doubted it would be, and she knew he wouldn't wait behind anyway.

"Stay close, Miss Swan," Regina warned again tartly as they stepped forward on the rocky, uneven ground. Her voice was cautious even through its crisp impatience, and Emma had learned by now to read the other woman better rather than assuming that Regina didn't care or was coldly unaffected; the former queen was worried, and ached to feel she had some semblance of control, which made her take it wherever she could.

Rather than arguing, Emma merely nodded, heading forward quickly and relieved that Regina and Henry willingly kept pace, one on each side of her, bolstering her without words. As they continued, Emma felt tingling energy, prickling sparks of heat running along her veins, making trails she felt she should be able to look down and see glowing beneath her skin in the dark. Her breath went short, coming out in ragged puffs. "Killian…" she breathed out desperately, recklessly allowing the hope free rein inside her, recognizing that the only other times she had felt such heat and excitement in her blood were when he was near. They must be getting closer to him, and it was all Emma could do not to break into a run.

A chilly gust of air ghosted over her arm, and she shivered involuntarily, turning to the side for the source of the draft and noticing a fissure that opened into a nearly hidden alcove off the main part of their underground cavern. With that same rush of intuition and tingling thrill, Emma turned aside and squeezed through the gap in the solid rock wall. Henry and Regina pressed in close behind her when she hesitated, trying to squint through the darkness. Something had called to her, but she didn't see anything except a dark, empty room of stone walls and floors at first, until Regina finally burst out in exasperation, "For pity sakes, must I do everything?!" With a flourish, she conjured orbs of fire in each hand, illuminating the area before them enough to discern shadowy shapes, and then flung the lights toward torches they could now glimpse over their heads in sconces placed all around the strange dim niche off the larger cave.

Emma had just begun to snap back at Regina, when her voice stopped in her throat on a sharp gasp at the startling sight before her. At the far end of the space, near the back wall, flickering light glinted off the steel gray metal of a thick chain trailing from a crank to the side of the ceiling, then down to manacles which held pale wrists locked together and extended over the head of a person slumped on their knees. Emma's heart stuttered in fear and vicarious pain, immediately recognizing the motionless, silent, almost lifeless form before them. Only a few seconds' glimpse at the battering of bruises and scars on the pale expanse of his bared back were all she could stand. Without taking time to worry whether or not it would work, she waved her hand desperately through the air, dissolving the chain to nothingness. With what had been stretching him and holding his body unnaturally upright gone, Killian fell prone on the hard rock floor with a soft, insensate groan escaping his mouth.

Dashing wildly to his side, Emma gathered Killian's limp form in her arms, holding him close as best she could, smoothing her trembling hands through his coarse, shaggy black hair and over his chilled, clammy skin, aching to ease his pain. She wasn't expecting to feel Henry pressed up against her side worriedly and reaching out to touch her pirate's arm with gentle concern, nor for him to whisper "Killian? Can you hear us?" She could sense Regina's presence close at their backs as well, standing guard. But when she grumbled, "What happened to you, Guyliner? Mouth off to the Lord of the Dead himself?" Emma was surprised to hear the quaver of emotion behind the Mayor's retort as well, and she knew that Regina was nearly as rattled by the state their pirate was in as she was herself. The fact that he had clearly been hidden away didn't help her state of mind. How long had he been held there like that? It was as though he’d been hidden where anyone who might venture into those depths would pass by him unaware and leave him to his misery.

She gathered Killian even closer to her, and was just bending her forehead to rest against his when he jerked awake unexpectedly, snapping back to consciousness with a confused panic, and though clearly weakened and in pain, he flung himself away from her with terrified force, scrabbling backward blindly.

His voice was hoarse when it rang out and echoed back against the close walls and low ceiling, cracking with fear and mistrust, raw from what Emma feared might have been days crying out in hopeless despair and agony as he languished in torment, thinking that he would never be found. Killian's harsh, broken words lashed her heart like a whip, making her as painfully desperate as he when he howled, "Back, Demon! Stop tormenting me! Take any form you wish…but…not hers! Please…no more!"

Emma tried to shush him, begged him to truly see her as she brushed a hand down his stubbled jaw, her heart feeling new pangs of guilt and regret at the sight of the ages-old scar that had always dashingly graced his cheek bleeding again as though it had been freshly carved anew into his skin. Were all of the weals, cuts, and bruises adorning his scarred chest and back old, once-healed wounds returned to livid intensity by the insidious nature of this place and the unfinished business it deemed Killian Jones to have?

Before she could utter anything else, he cried out again, his voice mere shards of its usual deep, smooth timbre. "No! Not Emma! You are not her! Leave me! Leave me!"

When he flinched from her touch yet again, it felt as though the Dark One dagger itself had been stabbed into her breast. Emma wanted to curl up beside him and weep – hopelessness, fear, concern, and love welling up uncontrollably within at the thought that she had found him, but he might be too far gone to bring back. She steeled herself to speak to him once more in soft, pleading tones as she swept her hand across his brow, "Killian, please…look at me. It is Emma. I promise, it's me. I'm here…"

Fear darted across his face for several more taut, charged moments, looking so strange on one who had always met challenges and danger head-on, an arched brow and a dark retort for any man, beast, or monster unwise enough to think he would back down. Then, after several tense, breathlessly waiting seconds, it was as though a cloud passed over his countenance and vanished again, the shade blinding him seemed to fall from his eyes and recognition dawned as he stared at her, drinking in her face, desperate to believe. "Swan?" he whispered, voice soft and awed though rough with ill use, finally daring to hope. A trembling hand reached out toward her face, and she quickly bent to lean her cheek against his palm, as needy for his touch as he was to make sure she was real. "Emma…Love…is it really you? And H-Henry? …Lad, you're here as well?"

"Of course," Henry assured, grinning rakishly in a way Emma knew he must have picked up from Killian. Though his eyes were glassy, Henry answered this man he'd come to look up to with assurance, "Think I'd risk being deprived of a dashing rescue, Captain?"

Her love grinned back at her son crookedly, but said no more, still somewhat overcome by Henry's devotion.

Regina cleared her throat from where she stood just behind them, keeping a wary eye on the entrance. It brought a much-needed measure of levity to the trio on the floor when she grumbled, "No need to acknowledge my presence, Pirate. I simply followed them down here for my health. Brimstone and sulfur do wonders for the skin, you know."

Killian inclined his head slightly in a semblance of the mocking bow he often gave her when they squabbled. "Why, of course, your Majesty," he replied with a knowing wink, "but it is lovely to see you all the same."

The queen huffed, but gave him the tiniest quirk of her red lips in a begrudging smile.

Emma did not miss the way her love winced at even the smallest of offhand movements, but she couldn't look him over properly or try to heal any of his wounds now. They needed to get him out of his prison, first and foremost. She thought about trying to transport them all from the dungeon to the lake shore instantly with her magic, but discarded the idea almost as quickly as it came to her, knowing her powers had been behaving too unpredictably in the depths of the Underworld to be sure of where they might end up. The same concern kept her from asking Regina to move them, or – she assumed – from the queen's offering. She began to attempt standing again, ready to pull Killian up with her. "Come on, let's – "

Just as Killian spoke once more, his mind working through the situation quickly as he became more aware, and already worried for their safety, "Wh-what are all of you doing here? You can't be caught here. I d-don't want you to be trapped as well."

"Too bad," Emma shook her head, finally regaining her feet and, with Henry's help, easing him to stand as well between them. Killian was wobbly and leaning on her more than she would have liked, but then, after being held in one position for so long, she knew his limbs must be working their way back to life, beyond the injuries which must also be draining his strength. "We're not leaving without you. You've already been the hero…" here she had to swallow hard, her eyes tearing up as she remembered him dying in her arms. "Now, let me be the Savior and bring you home where you really belong."

Those devastating blue eyes bore into hers with such intensity, burning with the ardor of his next words. "Emma…Love…I knew the sacrifice I was making. This is where I belong now…what I deserve…and if the rest of you are safe…. Please, there must be a terrible price for this, and … and I won't have you paying it."

Despite his weakened state and the fervent emotion trembling within the words, his resolve was clear. Emma knew she could not fail to heed him again – not this time – but she also needed him to see that she would not be happy, would not be safe, when he suffered here alone for both their mistakes, his noble sacrifice cheapened by Gold's treachery. It wasn't right; it wasn't enough for her. She didn't have a home without him. Yet, she had to allow him this choice; she couldn't take that right away a second time. Drawing in a deep breath, she assured him, "We have a way to bring you back, one that will work. The rest of us will be fine." She paused, met his eyes hopefully, took a deep breath, and asked, "Killian, don't worry about me or anyone else; just answer me honestly: Do you want to come back with us?"

He wet his lips, obviously struggling with emotion and desire versus his sense of duty and lingering guilt. Holding her gaze, his next words came out so raw and vulnerable that they scraped across her heart, tearing loose pieces that she had already given to him. "Aye, Swan, I would wish that more than anything. You must know that. But…I do not wish anyone else to be punished or imprisoned here in my stead…if there is even a chance that could happen…"

"No, Killian," she interrupted, shaking her head gently as she brushed an unruly shock of black hair off his forehead lovingly. "You don't understand. We won't leave anyone behind. This will work." She bit her lower lip, trying to peer right into his soul, the way he had so often done with her. "Trust me?" she asked then, everything they had risked and all her future happiness riding on his answer.

"Aye, Love, I do," he swore, bringing the hand he clutched tightly in his up to clumsily brush his lips over her knuckles, "and I always will."

"Good," she said simply, a small smile gracing her mouth, and then his face as well, as they both remembered how that very response from her had sustained and given him hope through a full year of obstacles and doubts until they had been reunited once before.

Turning to Regina, Emma knew she couldn't hesitate, knew Killian would start protesting again if he figured out what she planned to do – no matter how sure she was that it would work. Shooting Henry a quick, reassuring smile, she squared her shoulders and gave the other woman a curt nod, "Let's do this," she affirmed.

Regina didn't waste a second, gripping Emma's upper arm to keep her steady and plunging a hand into her chest. Emma couldn't stop a gasp at the jarring invasion and strange sense of disconnect she felt when the formerly evil queen withdrew her hand, Emma's slightly battered, partly scabbed in gray, but mostly glowing, red heart within her grasp.

"No!" Killian cried out aghast, only knowing that any heart he had seen taken from a chest had been squeezed in nightmarish torment. "What are you doing!?" he lurched forward, fruitlessly aiming to stop her, but Henry clung to his arm determinedly from where he stood on the pirate's other side helping to keep him upright.

"Killian," Henry pleaded, trying to offer comfort even though his voice quavered too. "It's okay. She's not going to crush it. Emma wanted her to do this…Look!" Henry knew there was still a risk; splitting a heart had worked for his gramps and grandma, and he knew his mom and Killian loved each other deeply, but they didn't have any guarantee.

Emma slumped forward, unaware, and though she wasn't heavy, with his own injuries and weakness, it nearly brought Killian down too. Awkwardly, he took what strength he had left to untangle their fingers and wrap his arm around her, drawing Emma to his side though it pained the open gashes on his torso, and letting her head come to rest on his shoulder.

When he turned back to Regina, her gaze was intent on the heart in her hand, as concerned as he had ever seen the proud royal. Determinedly, she worked at the organ until, to all of their intense relief, it split down the middle and she reached forward to press half of it into each of their chests.

"Ready, Captain?" she asked, voice taut and nervous, though he knew she would never say so.

He gave her a nod, meeting her eyes fiercely before letting his gaze return to Emma's soft, lax, but still lovely, face. In the next instant, he drew a fuller, more rejuvenating breath than he had taken since falling on the shores of the lake in Storybrooke. There was still the odd sensation of a hand in his chest, but a moment more and that was gone too as Regina pulled back, leaving a half of his love's heart within his body.

Emma surfaced to consciousness with a similar heaving breath, blinking as her light once more suffused her cheeks, and her eyes regained their lively sparkle. "Are we okay?" she asked blearily, and then more fervently, "Did it work?!"

"It would seem so," Regina said drily, arching a perfectly sculpted brow as if to say, 'You're alive and speaking to me, aren't you?', but she spared a cautious, genuine smile for the savior and Emma could sense the relief behind the harsh veneer. "Now," Regina continued, "let's not wait around to see what else can go wrong. It's time we were home." With a wave of her hand, clearly having deemed the risk worth it, and a swirl of purple smoke, they were all standing with a jolt on the shore of Hades' realm, right next to the boat which had brought them from Storybrooke.

Looking around in surprise as he reoriented himself, Killian already felt some of his lost strength and vigor returning to him, and he marveled at the power and love for him that must have been held within Emma's heart to pull this off so quickly and so well. Henry placed a hand on his hook's brace, drawing his attention with a grin while pointing out fast-approaching figures in the near distance.

Squinting, Killian could see Dave, Mary Margaret, and Robin coming toward them at a run, and was touched and humbled once more to think that all of these people would venture to the very depths of Hell for the likes of him. Once the rest of their rescue party had reached them at the water's edge – minus Gold, whom no one seemed inclined to worry about – Robin greeted him with an exuberant cry of welcome, while Dave clapped him on the shoulder firmly, and Mary Margaret – to Killian's complete and utter astonishment – flung her arms around him in a joyful, maternal hug.

"It's wonderful to see you too, Milady," Killian managed, almost embarrassed at such a greeting from a woman who at best had always seemed unsure about him as a suitor for her daughter.

The dark-haired royal pulled back with a watery smile, but not before pausing to whisper in his ear, "We needed to get you back, Killian. I don't think I could have stood to watch Emma in that state any longer. She was … broken …without you."

The pirate dipped his head, hiding a swell of emotion at her words, and even when he raised his face once more, his eyes were glassy with unshed tears he sniffed back conspicuously.

"Well," Robin called out, breaking into the thoughts of all their gathered group, bow over his shoulder and fingers once again laced with Regina's, "shall we go?"

"Not so fast, Archer," a silky voice rang out, stopping all of them in their tracks, just as they had been ready to step into the boat pointed home. "I do believe you're planning to steal something – or should I say someone? – who belongs to me."

The unassuming gentleman in a sleek, tailored suit who strutted toward them over the dead, brown grass before the lake, didn't look like much of a threat, but none of them were taken in by his calm, almost jovial manner, nor his pleased, oily smile. "Don't listen to him," Regina ordered tersely, urging Henry, Robin. Snow, and David into the boat ahead of her as planned. "He can't stop us from leaving. We aren't dead, and therefore we aren't part of his domain."

Hades, as Emma realized the man must be, moved ever closer and shook his head like a disappointed parent would at a child who refused to obey. "Ah," he answered smoothly, "but I fear one of you is indeed under my dominion. Breathed his last on these very shores, in fact."

Emma stepped just slightly in front of Killian, wavering slightly as she still recovered from aftereffects of losing part of a vital organ. Yet, she looked as fierce and defiant as she ever had; red jacket standing out against her stark, dull surroundings and a glow emanating from her as she stared down the ruler of the Underworld himself. "You can't have him," she growled through gritted teeth.

Even as Killian feared for her safety, knowing all too well what this seeming "gentleman" and his demons could do, he couldn't deny that his Swan was glorious – a sight to behold.

Emma motioned behind her for Regina to get in the boat as well and take Killian with her. The regal balked, a quick, "Emma, are you sure about…" escaping, but she was cut off with a jerky nod and set jaw, and she did as the savior asked, pulling Killian forcibly after her.

"Admirable determination, my dear," Hades taunted, "but you might as well admit defeat. I am well acquainted with this pirate, all that brave stoicism mixed with his massive self-loathing for his past wrongs makes a nice break for me from eons of monotonous sniveling, pleading beggars for mercy. Fresh entertainment playing with someone who can endure so much pain, it's quite addictive, you see. Not to mention… I've been alerted to your little scheme to steal my new plaything. It won't work. Even if I were inclined to release one of my subjects, it isn't possible. He died, he is one of mine now, and there is not a thing you can do about it."

A second shadowy figure emerged from the surrounding mist and darkness, and as the person came to stand just at Hades' elbow, Emma recognized Gold, an insidious smile on his smug, self-satisfied face. "Miss me, Dearies?" he cackled ominously. Then he gleaming gaze narrowed as it fell on Emma. "I did warn you not to test me, Miss Swan," he stated with chilling finality, a cunning glint casting frightening light in his eyes. "Thanks to my early warning, our temporary host has promised me that he will make sure our near-escapee finds his stay even more unpleasant from now on, and has given me his word to keep you as well, far away from my Belle, who will have no idea what I've done, and right here with him to magnify the punishment for you both. A simple memory wipe on the rest of you meddlesome fools who insist on playing heroes, and I shall finally have my happy ending."

Emma heard the scuffling of Killian trying to fight his way out of Regina's and Robin's grasps to get back to her. "You'll do no such thing, Crocodile!" he was railing, as she could hear Snow gasp in shock and horror, and Henry and her father's yells of anger and dismay. All of that was drowned out though by the roaring in her ears and the intense desire she had to throttle the cowardly pawnbroker with her bare hands. Of course he would go and try to get in good with the Devil himself to double cross them! As if making Killian's sacrifice to destroy the darkness void for his own gain hadn't been terrible enough! The rage that overcame her with knowing that these two monstrous fiends could be so blasé about the torment they wanted to put Killian through, at seeing for herself all they had already done to the man she loved, was vibrating through her being and she sensed her magic about to explode uncontrollably, blindly. Still, she narrowed her eyes, determined not to give anything away to the insidious crocodile. She understood now why Killian's nickname for his foe had always been so apt – reptilian, grasping, clawing, and willing to do anything to save his own leathery hide and secure his own self-interests, despite who else might be hurt along the way. She quickly turned her focus back to Hades though. No matter how badly she wanted to strike Gold down, this fallen deity was the one with the real power in the Underworld.

"You know," Hades taunted, a mocking pout of fake sympathy on his face, "it really is quite tragic, Savior. You seem to be able to save everyone but the ones you care for most. Love can do much, but even where there is love…dead is still dead."

Emma was backed right up to the edge of the water, her heels actually touching the side of their little boat as it rocked on the dark, uneasy tide. Hades stood practically nose to nose with her, but she wouldn't give in. Instead, she nodded toward Gold. "We'll see about that," she hissed, forcing bravado she only partially felt, "but you might want to question whether your new partner has told you everything."

With that, she stepped backwards into the boat, and Charon began to row away, no other option, his mindless task ingrained in his being until the end of time.

Hades raised a hand, and some red bolt of radiating power shot toward them, but it hit an invisible barrier none of them could see, ricocheted off the wooden boat's side, and went barreling back, knocking the Devil and the Dark One flat on their backs on the shore. Emma felt a pang in her chest like a plucked guitar string vibrating, and everything in her vision went hazy. She staggered, seeing less and less as she heard them all talking to her, around her, anxiously. She had just enough sight and awareness left to reassure herself that they were still moving toward home, and then it all faded away as she fell back into Killian's – and her family's – arms.

~~~~CS~~~~~CS~~~~CS~~~~CS~~~

The following afternoon…

Emma Swan blinks her eyes against the gentle sunshine filtering in warm, yellow stripes through the plain white curtains she hung in the Captain's quarters of Killian's ship. Yawning and stretching languidly, she can't help the grin which spreads slowly and happily across her face upon realizing just where she is and in whose arms she has been resting. They made it home again – all of them – safe and sound, and she is snuggled up with her pirate in his bunk. Sitting up just a bit to gaze down at him affectionately, honestly enjoying the view, and able to see now that they are in the land of the living he already has more color and his scars have once again begun to fade, Emma trails her hand along his chest, playfully running her fingers through the coarse hair covering his muscled torso, unable to stop staring at the man she literally went to Hell and back to find. The half a heart they now share swells with love until it seems to overflow, and Emma wriggles back into Killian's warm embrace, while he continues to sleep – she hopes peacefully. Even deep in slumber, Killian gathers her closer to his side tenderly with the arm draped over her hip and mumbles something she can't quite make out against the warm skin of her neck at the collar of her sweater.

His brow furrows, and she aches to soothe him, to assure him that they are together again and all will be well. She knows that things won't stay peaceful in their little town for long, nor can she keep him from the nightmares and remembrances of the ordeal he has been through. Still, she places a kiss to his brow and murmurs, "Shh…rest, Killian," as she brushes back the dark fringe of his hair.

The last day and night are an exhausted, emotional blur before Emma's eyes as she lies back down and tries to return to rest with her pirate. She remembers the traumatic details of finding Killian in that stone dungeon and his ancient scars and emotional pains brought to fresh life upon his skin, how sapped and hopeless he had been – to the point that he had seemed unable to acknowledge they had come after him. She remembers Regina splitting her heart, and all of them standing of the shores of the lake as Hades tried to stop them from returning to the world of the living with her sailor. Beyond that though… the boat ride back, how she had ended up here with Killian, cozily wrapped in his embrace... it is all a misty jumble in her mind. She can bring back snatches of her parents', Henry's, and even Regina's and Robin's voices, discussing what to do once they reached town, how they had all progressed while they were split up in the Underworld, and if she were truly okay, but none of it comes into clear focus for her. She has the vague, lingering suspicion that Killian must have carried her to his ship, rather than the house she'd taken over as the Dark One, or her parents' loft, over any other ideas or suggestions, and that the others must have decided that he knew best and left the two of them alone to heal together.

With a sigh, she forces her eyes to the gash made by Excalibur still blatantly visible on his neck, while Killian remains unaware. Though it is no longer ragged and draining his lifeblood before her very eyes, Emma knows that this wound will never completely fade. In some way, this particular scar will always be upon his skin, reminding her of when it all went wrong, how horribly she failed him. Her fingers tremble as she traces the abraded skin, and she blinks back her tears quickly. Not, however, before a couple of them escape and pool on the warm skin in the hollow of his collarbone.

Rousing, Killian's eyes blink open to find her awake and studying him sadly, her eyes welling with tears and her hands clutching his shoulders as though afraid he will be taken from her again. "What is it, Love?" he murmurs, smoothing his hand through her hair and snugging his hookless bare wrist against the thick wool sweater at her back, pulling her impossibly closer still. "What's happened?"

She shakes her head, a breath wet with choked back sobs huffing out of her chest. "Nothing, Killian, I just…" she traces her fingers lightly over the shell of his ear, grinning at how the top curve comes almost to a bit of a point. In spite of her jumbled feelings and the fact that she is still struggling to get her words out, she cannot help but marvel at each tiny wonder that make up her True Love. "You'll always have those two new scars…and it's….it's my fault…"

"Oh, Emma…" Killian breathes in soft, stunned understanding, his eyes infinitely kind and unfailingly full of love. "You’ve more than made it right. When I blamed you, I was nothing but the worst version of myself. Do not carry those words, nor that guilt, any longer, Swan." He sighs, sensing that she is still upset and punishing herself, and briefly rests his chin atop the soft golden hair at the crown of her head. Gathering a bit more nerve, he adds gruffly, "That you were so desperate to keep me with you…" he pauses to wet his lips, not wanting his voice to waiver or to make her doubt, "While I detested losing control of myself… I also never thought to be so loved."

Emma's tears do begin to escape her at that, though she can't utter any sort of response. Leaning up to rest her forehead against his, wanting only to have him see in her eyes that he is loved now, more than either of them would have once felt possible, more than either of them could have ever known.

"You entered into the very depths of Hell to fetch me back to your side, Emma. You walked amidst my demons and my nightmares of loved ones I have lost and the horrible things I have done, and you pulled me out into the light once again. You are quite literally my heart now, and I never wish to be parted from you."

"If I have my way, you never will be," Emma vows fervently against his lips in response, just before fusing their mouths in a tender kiss that begins to ease the pain that wounds and separation had wrought. Both are quiet then, at peace wrapped in each other's arms. Swearing to never be torn apart again; they are happy, and they are home.

Tagging a few who may enjoy (I apologize if you don’t want to see this, just ignore it!): @therooksshiningknight @laschatzi @spartanguard @effulgentcolors @hollyethecurious @kmomof4 @searchingwardrobes @teamhook @revanmeetra87 @hookedonapirate @resident-of-storybrooke @ilovemesomekillianjones @winterbaby89 @shireness-says @killian-whump @sherlockianwhovian @whimsicallyenchantedrose @jennjenn615 @gingerchangeling

#self promo Sunday #ouat 5x12 divergent ff #captain swan one shot #Underworld canon divergent #angst #hurt comfort

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mentalhealthandlgbt-blog · 5 years

Text

Notes from the Symposium

I’m so sorry I haven’t been posting much in the past little while! I got caught up in my symposium presentation for the 20% Project and all sorts of school work.

So, for those that don’t really know what “the symposium” is, it’s a part of my 20% project where I create a display board that must include: my project title, my goals, my inspiration for the project, evidence of progress, and the community benefit. Below I have a picture of the board and such from the symposium.

During the symposium, I also had a little box where people could share their advice or experience(s) with mental illness(es) and/or the LGBT+ community. I was honestly surprised at the amount of contributions I received, and I decided I could make a post of all the advice and experiences! For some, I’ll just post the advice people had, and for others I might add a little bit of commentary in reply.

Mental Health

“I don’t really know if I always had anxiety, but I do know that it definitely grew when I reached high school.. I was in an abusive and toxic friendship and realized I have some past traumas from sexual abuse as a kid. It makes me wonder if I was ever ‘normal’ or like other people who don’t have these mental health issues. I also realized I might have a BFRB (Body Focused Repetitive Behavior). I’ve picked at my skin my whole life. What if that has to do with trauma too? The anxiety and skin picking really affect my life and how I act. I can’t even imagine not having these things. But I’m trying my best to be open about them and talk about them instead of bottle them all up. I think I have a good support system but they don’t really know much about me or my past so I can’t be sure.”

To start, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through abuse. I know sorry doesn’t mean a whole lot, but I don’t know what to say when I haven’t experienced what you have. I looked up BFRBs (https://www.bfrb.org/learn-about-bfrbs), and what you described definitely seems to fit that. I think it’s really awesome that you’re opening up to people, even though I’m sure it can be hard to trust everyone. I hope things will work out well and that you really will have a good support system.

“Stay calm and stay strong. It’s okay to cry or be nervous. Don’t doubt yourself and keep moving forward.”

While this is a bit cliche, I do think it’s important. Sometimes hearing “stay calm” or “keep moving forward” can be quite frustrating, but it’s important to remember that it’s okay to not be okay all the time.

“I used to have an eating disorder 8th - 10th grade, I had and still have very low self-esteem, and always thought/cared of what others thought about me. I wouldn’t be able to focus on school because I had no energy. The times I did eat, I always threw up, and started working out, I would even pass out sometimes. Having a piece of gum was ‘too much.’”

First, I’m glad you were able to get past the eating disorder; I know that can be very hard to do. I also know that low self-esteem can be hard to work past, so try little steps in building self-confidence.

“In my 9 years of diagnosed Major Depression, I’ve learned that people are not always out to get you or make you feel horrible. A lot of people are ready to help and listen, there are many resources available for help as well. I also learned through friends and life that getting rid of things like fake friends or ignoring rude people helps so much as well. Always take time for yourself, never feel that self care is selfish or a burden.”

I like this because I know it can be hard to not be pessimistic about the world and people around you, but surrounding yourself with the right people can create a great support group

“I’ve noticed overcoming anxiety does not mean to run away from what scares you but to breathe and DO YOUR BEST! It gets easier with every challenge (: “

This is definitely an important piece of advice here. Running from problems makes them worse in the long-run, so just do your best to push forward - even if it’s just baby steps. Any amount of improvement is good improvement.

“I struggled with anxiety for the majority of my life, and I didn’t know how to get rid of it. I was insecure about my looks and my weight. And people did not help me overcome them. Little did I know I was hanging around the wrong people. My friends now have helped me to overcome not only my anxiety, but helped me become a better person, and I try to help people who suffered and stressed like I did.”

I’m glad that you figured out that you had bad friends and found good ones, and I’m happy that they’ve been able to help you. It’s also really cool that you’re trying to help people you know are experiencing what you already have.

“Mental health is important to everyone and we all should try to be kind to each other and love each other to make the harshness of life a little easier.”

This is such a wholesome message. It’s important to remember that a lot of people are hiding struggles, so try to be nice to everyone.

“Such a cliche, but ALWAYS check up on your friends! Whether you send a text or call them, even if you’re not on talking terms, do it.”

I agree that you should check up on your friends, yes. However, if you aren’t on talking terms and you suddenly text someone, they might be needing alone time or just might not be ready to talk yet, and it might not go over well.

“Get used to cutting people off whenever they interfere with your mental health. People will come and go (bad people that is), so being able to leave them as soon as a red flag pops up is important. Your mental health is always the first thing to worry about.”

This is definitely important. Being able to recognize and leave bad people is so important in helping yourself and taking care of your mental health.

“I feel like sometimes I live in a mind filled with three different people and I don’t know how to deal with it.”

So, I did a bit of research on this but remember, I’M NOT A DOCTOR. Based on a few sites, this sounds like it could possibly be DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Here’s the definition I found on one site: “Dissociative identity disorder. Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, this disorder is characterized by alternating between multiple identities. A person may feel like one or more voices are trying to take control in their head. Often these identities may have unique names, characteristics, mannerisms and voices.” And this is the site that was on: https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Dissociative-Disorders

LGBT+

“I personally identify as asexual panromantic and just questioning gender. I used to identify as pansexual but obviously changed that. When I identified as pan a few of my friends would make fun of it saying the whole ‘there are only 2 genders’ or ‘I identify as an attack helicopter.’ And that really affected how I felt about myself and definitely created a fear in me when I realized I wasn’t cisgender. I was afraid my friends would have more to make fun of me about. And when I realized I was ace I found so much hate online that I was afraid to say I was in fear of being called ‘special’ or a ‘snowflake.’ I’m not sure I’ve overcome that fear yet but I’m slowly coming out to my friends and explaining my fears to them so hopefully they’ll understand. But then again their opinions on what I am/identify as don’t matter.”

As you probably know, I identify the same way as you do. I never really got backlash, and I’m sorry you had bad experiences with that; people can be so rude and ignorant sometimes. I’m proud that you’re trying to open up to friends, and that you’ve realized people’s opinions don’t matter.

“As a LGBT youth it’s kind of hard coming into your own, but remember this: it’s your life don’t let someone make you live a life that you know doesn’t make you happy. Everyone deserves love and happiness.”

I like this a lot. It can be hard to ignore people’s opinions, especially if you’re around them a lot, but it’s good to remember that no one else should control how you live.

“It’s hard having to come back out as questioning when everybody knows I’m gay. It’s hard to be comfortable with my sexuality.”

I’ve never had to re-come out before, but I really did have a long period of questioning before I really figured things out. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to have things figured out all the time and it’s okay to not have a label, especially if any label is making you uncomfortable.

“I haven’t figured out everything yet, but I learned to take time and learn yourself. Don’t try and rush or put on a label too early. It’s okay to not know.”

This is really important. When I was younger, I really tried to push labels on myself. Eventually, I realized that if I gave myself time, I’d be able to understand myself better. I didn’t know for a while, and that was okay. yeah

“Questioning yourself is how you find the answers to a lot of your unasked or unanswered questions. I asked myself the big-ol’ question of why. Why do I feel differently towards girls? Why are people weird to gay people? Am I gay? Little did I know the answer was yes. And little did I know that it was okay.”

So, I talked about my experience in the previous answer. I can honestly say though that I used to ask myself those same questions a lot. I was confused for a while, especially with my religious upbringing. It took me a while to be okay with my sexuality and identity.

“Don’t ever blame yourself nor your sexuality on why things happen. Things were going to go a certain way with every decision.”

I’m not sure I understand the 2nd part, but it’s definitely important to remember that your sexuality isn’t a choice or consequence of some decision you make. Sometimes it is based on past experiences, but a lot of the time you really are born this way.

“Don’t hide who you really are but love it and show who you are. You’re you and no one can change that. :) “

I love this, it’s so wholesome. Sometimes it can be hard, but always try to remember that it’s okay to be you, no matter what others say.

“Involving yourself with people who support you would be the #1 priority. Living life hidden away isn’t worth it to be losing those years to people who don’t approve. Detaching from family is necessary is abusive mentally and physically.”

This is an important lesson that I took a while to learn. I had a hard time defying/detaching from family, but it really is important if they’re abusive and/or unsupportive.

“I’m not part of the LGBT+ community but I still support it 100%”

“I’m no LGBT but I still believe everyone should be treated equally :) “

These are both so cute. I’m glad to see some allies here.

Both/Miscellaneous

“I’ve struggled a lot with depression and anxiety all my life but always tried to hide it because I felt embarrassed about having issues. I also struggle with my sexuality because I’ve always dated guys but I find girls attractive too. I don’t want to admit that I might be bisexual.”

I don’t think mental illness is something you should be embarrassed, but I understand with all the stigma there is in the world why you would be. I know it’s hard, but try to remember that stigmas are BS, and that you’re an amazing human. As for sexuality, I know how hard it can be to accept. For a bit, when I was first realizing I liked girls, I had such a hard time. I basically called myself “questioning” for long enough that I grew more comfortable with my attraction. If you’re not ready for a label or uncomfortable with one, just say you’re “questioning.”

“Try to stay positive and just know you’re beautiful inside and out.”

Another beautiful wholesome message here. I think this applies to both because it can be hard to see yourself as beautiful when there’s a lot of stigma and hate towards mental illnesses and the LGBT+ community in the world.

“Having a good support system, being able to talk to people about anything that was bothering me. I talked about...”

I’m not sure where this was headed, but it’s definitely good to find yourself a good supports system.

And that’s all of them! I’m so sorry, again, for taking so long. I meant to post this right after the symposium, but it took quite a while to respond to everyone’s notes. As always, contributions, asks, and messages are open, and I will respond!

#mentalhealthandlgbt #symposium #lgbt+ community #mental health

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