#still a lot of mental health problems but I'm finally learning to deal with my emotions and not hate life (wow) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lucianalight · 5 months

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Hi! I'm back :) after another long hiatus😅 I have missed all of you❤️

First of all a huge thank you to everyone who were worried and asked about my health and how I was doing. I wasn't doing well tbh. I'm one of those people who had the misfortune of never quite recovering from covid. I already had one chronic illness that was messing up my life and health. Having another on top of that takes a lot of physical, emotional and mental toll and limits my energy greatly. So I needed time to get used to my new reality and condition and learn to how manage it and live with it. It's still a work in progress and doctor appointments are seeming endless but at least some meds are helping. So there's that.

You probably already know the second reason why I wasn't doing well. I've seen terrible things…And you need time to process them. To grieve, to deal with trauma and survivor's guilt, and nurture your anger and keep fighting, keep resisting…

And well, internet connection still sucks so using social media is kind of an ordeal :D

There were a lot of times that I wanted to come back on tumblr but every time some issue would come up and take my motivation and energy. Then two weeks ago, after I couldn't crush the little ray of hope that maybe this time I'm going to see sth I like, I started watching season 2 of Loki. I watched it while promising myself that I'm not going to care anymore if it's bad, reminding myself that I might see sth as bad as season 1. Still I was surprised that I didn't hate it. On the contrary there were moments that were entertaining and even enjoyable. And those moments were more than the ones I dislike. It was better than season 1 and admittedly that's a low bar since I consider S1 one of the worst tv shows I've ever seen, but there were noticeable changes in pace and tone of the narrative and characterization in S2. Some issues in S1 was addressed. Loki was actually the main character of his series and got to do badass magic stuff :D The characters were flesh out and three dimensional and likable(I love OB so much :D). There was no romance. The ending was great.

There were of course things I didn't like. Removing Loki's backstory and his issues with his family from the story is one of them. How some of his moments in past was addressed. The episodes at times got boring or very predictable. There were times that Loki was ooc or comedic moments that weren't delivered well.

It wasn't perfect but at least acceptable. And probably the best Loki content we got since TDW. And I liked the ending a lot. I found myself keep going back to rewatch some scenes. I found myself analyzing the content happily. I had things to say. So here I am :D basically I'm 100% back to my Loki bs and I'm making it everyone's problem :P

Whether you loved the series or hated it, you're welcome on my blog and you're welcome to send me your opinions and engage with me in discussions and metas. I will tag posts accordingly in case you want to avoid certain content(tbh I still don't know what the new tags will be because I haven't written anything yet but I will make a post when I do).

There will be posts of some new fandoms so block their tags if you don't want to see those posts. The new fandoms are Sandman tv show(I haven't finished the comics so plz don't spoil them for me), Wednesday, My Hero Academia, Shadow and Bone, and The Bifrost Incident.

As I mentioned above I'm dealing with multiple chronic illnesses and have a limited energy each day. I will try to answer your messages, comments and asks as soon as I can but it might take a long time. Sry about that.

And finally a warm welcome to all the new followers and thanks to everyone who are still following me❤️

#back from hiatus #because of loki :D #personal #blog maintenance

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exuberantocean · 4 months

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You know, I think some of the problem that people have with the last few episodes of Doctor Who is in black and white thinking regarding mental health and trauma.

Like, this idea that you're either mentally ill & miserable or not mentally ill & happy.

And the truth is, most mentally ill people are capable of being truly happy (major depression being an exception to this). You can be as traumatized as fuck and still have happy moments, good days, etc.

But, more over, recovery and healing from trauma doesn't look like a return to your pre-trauma self. That shit still hurts. You're still fundamentally changed by it.

14 back at Donna's is in the process of healing. He's giving himself the space to recover. He's having good days filled with support. And he's also likely doing a lot of work. For a person who spent his whole life embodying the fight or flight response, just learning to not, is a fucking big deal. And as a whole, it's good. And it will get progressively better. And he'll be happy yeah, but that's not a cheap happiness. That's showing up every day, fighting back all sort of inner demons and saying no, I get to be this. And that doesn't even get into the whole "allowing yourself to be vulnerable and let others help" thing that is definitely happening.

And 15 is "post therapy". That doesn't mean their hurt's gone. That doesn't mean the trauma doesn't exist or he's returned to a pre-trauma state. And baby, healing is a lifelong process so it doesn't even mean that this healing has even stopped with 14. It's all still there. It's early days with 15, so I can't say where they're going to go with 15, only what it means to have worked through your trauma somewhat and what that could mean for 15

What it does mean is that he's learning to talk about it. "I'm adopted" is exactly the kind of thing someone would say. It's too big sometimes to say it all at once. In "The Body Keeps Score" (which is a book about trauma) it discusses how trauma effects the brain in ways that make it neurologically hard to talk about the trauma but most of us slowly learn how. This is 15, slowly taking steps to proactive talk about it. Yes, it's almost laughably understated but my God it's a huge fucking step for the Doctor who as early as the episode before (a la DT) couldn't even discuss it with Donna and reacted as he did when the not!Donna forced the conversation.

15 could have experienced "rehab" and still feel pain from their past. 14 can be happy and still be struggling and working through shit. And to be honest, the dichotomy between "fixed" 15 and 14 isn't a dichotomy at all but a spectrum.

And, as a final note, progress is not linear. I would expect 15 to have their moments of regressing, but that doesn't mean progress hasn't happened or that the overall trajectory has been lost.

#doctor who #fourteenth doctor #fifteenth doctor #meta #mental health #trauma

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pleaseeeimjustagirl · 4 months

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♡Weekly Chronicles♡

December 15,2023

Hey babes! This week was amazing I am so happy I have created this blog I love being a blogger. I've wanted to create one for yearssss but I never got the time to do it and didn't know what to base my blog on. I love seeing other girlies on the same journey of self-improvement<3.

♡Education♡

The semester is officially over for me on Saturday I am so excited I need this break because school in general can be so stressful and I need this time to relax and pour into myself more I'll probably be uploading here more frequently while on break.

♡Mental♡

I started antidepressants a little over a month ago and have been loving my journey on them my mind is clearer and I don't feel that little gray cloud following me anymore. I am present and not constantly worrying about others and things that I can't control. This is my first time using medication to finally have control over my mental health. Other than that my mental health has been so good. If you deal with seasonal depression you got this girl it's tough. Trust me I get it I've dealt with seasonal depression and anxiety for years and my inbox is always open for a chat but I ask before you tell me your problems ask how I'm feeling in the moment <3

♡Physical♡

I have been super consistent with my diet! Eating clean and working out every day I have been lifting 3 times a week. I didn't get to lift today because I am currently at work while typing this lol but I will make up for it by lifting tomorrow. I am currently fasting trying to make up fasts from Ramadan before Ramadan comes around again in March and I'm not going to lieeee it has been helping me look extra snatched now! Like I woke up looking in the mirror like yesss but fasting has so many benefits besides keeping you snatched it helps a lot internally as well. I recently ordered some items for my gut health journey and it's at the post office so I'm going to pick it up tomorrow super excited! This is unrelated but last night I didn't want to get out of bed to do my nightly skincare routine but I forced myself to remember my goals so I'm proud of that.

♡Hobbies♡

I have been consistent with my Italian lessons on Duolingo which I highlyyyy recommend for anyone trying to learn a new language the way its set up is perfect for me with the colors and drawing it feels like a game to me lol. I haven't been reading like I was supposed to I think I only read 2 times this week that’s super baddd I need to stay on top of it. I have been blogging consistently and I love seeing you girlies reflagging and hearting my content it means a lot and I def need to do a Q&A I’ll drop one next week for sure. I want to invest in soap making as a new hobby for me it looks like so much fun!

♡Plans For The Weekend♡

I have a trip coming up next week I'm going to Maryland for a convention with a couple of friends from the 23 to the 27. I am super excited it's going to be so much fun. So this weekend I'm getting a lot of things together. I have to look for a few of my outfits for my trip and I'm waiting for my shoes to come. Also, I have my final this Saturday and an appointment with my OBGYN ladies don’t forget to book appointments for your check-ups your inner health is super important please take care of yourselves!

This was this week's little journal entrieee not that much occurs in my life but I still love the little update I gave you ladiesss. Comment your plans this weekend and how did your week go?

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judy1926 · 5 months

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Vivien Leigh and Laurence Olivier met for the first time in 1939 after a theatrical performance of The Mask of Virtue.

From the first meeting, there was an attraction between the two

After their conversation, Vivien said to one of her friends “This is the man I will marry,” ignoring the fact that she is married and he is also married

After one of Olivier's performances, Vivien visited him in his room, and after chatting a little with a rising actress before she left, she kissed Olivier on the neck shyly and left.

Vivien was attracted to Laurence because of his charm and charisma, according to a biography written about Vivien Leigh Lawrence was attracted to her in a way he had never been to any other woman

Olivier said in Lord Larry: "I couldn't help myself with Vivian, no one could."

"I hated myself for cheating on Jill, but then I had cheated before, but this was something different. This wasn't just lust. This was the love I didn't really ask for but was drawn to."

A year later, a movie brought them together Fire Over England They spent all their time together, but they succumbed to each other's attraction and their secret relationship began

After a period of time, their relationship was secret, and when Vivien played Ophelia on stage in Hamlet, she suffered a brutal bipolar attack. When Laurence Olivier entered the dressing room, Lee suddenly started shouting at him. This incident shook Olivier, as he later described how it was like a switch had been flipped. Lee started yelling at him, then immediately stopped as if nothing had happened. Unfortunately, her illness will get worse.

During their separation in order to expand their professional life, the two exchanged scandalous and romantic letters, dating back to between 1938 and 1939.

After a dispute over my role as Scarlett in the movie Gone with Profit, I was surprised by the difficulty of the work and everyone’s fear of the failure of the assigned project. She wrote to Olivier explaining how she felt. He responded to her You have to be very smart to succeed in your photo career, which is essential for your self-esteem." "…I'm afraid you might become boring. Never for me…but for yourself and because of that for others. It seemed that Olivier's letters were what kept Lee going

After much struggle, the two finally married in 1940

Vivien contracted tuberculosis in 1944 while she was on a trip to South Africa and Olivier was afraid that his wife would die.

“Please, my angel, send me word of what the doctor said, + if I may ask him to send me a report.”

“You are the only person in the world who can make me so hideously selfish love someone else more than I love myself.”

In 1947, Lee's mental state became worse and Olivier's professional life became better.

In 1948, Lee and Olivier went on a six-month tour in Australia and New Zealand to perform and raise money for the theater. Lee's health condition was poor, and severe quarrels occurred between the two due to Lee's sharp fluctuations and Olivier's lack of knowledge of how to deal with her. The strongest quarrel was when Vivien refused to go on stage with Olivier. Because she could not find her shoe, Olivier could not bear her childish behavior and slapped her in the face in front of everyone. She responded to Lee by hitting him on the back hard. However, at the end, the two of them went up on stage with smiles on their faces, but Olivier learned that he lost her in Africa.

Their professional lives were putting a lot of pressure on their relationship and there were constant comparisons, and she was taking the issue seriously and with great fear

The two still wrote letters when apart, but even that romance was beginning to fade

Lee's mental state was devastating for the two

In 1958, I was introduced to Jacques Merivale, who was aware of all his psychological and physical problems. When Olivier found out about this, he asked Jacques to take care of Vivian, and he promised him that.

The instability in their romantic relationship worsened Lee's emotional and mental condition.

By 1960, Vivien was threatening suicide. “Vivien is several thousand miles away, trembling on the brink, even when she sits quietly in her drawing room,” Olivier once said. Olivier and Lee filed for divorce in May 1960. The divorce was finalized later that year and Olivier married again.

Although they were no longer together, Olivier and Vivien continued to write to each other every now and then.

“I want to thank you for understanding all of this for me,” Olivier wrote in a letter to Lee regarding their divorce, according to The Guardian. “You did a noble, brave, beautiful thing, and I'm so sorry, so sorry, because it must have been a hell of a lot for you.”

But she once said to newspaper, “I would rather have a short life with Olivier than a long life without him.”

Her husband, Jack Merivale, left her at home while he went to perform in a play in Eaton Square. When he returned around midnight, he found Lee asleep in bed. Half an hour later, he entered to find her body on the ground. Leigh apparently tried to walk to the bathroom and collapsed due to her lungs filling with fluid, according to Vivien Leigh: A Biography of Anne Edwards.

Merival alerted the Vivien family and then Olivier

He attended and participated in Vivian's funeral even though he was undergoing treatment for prostate cancer

Olivier Merival helped make funeral arrangements and stayed with Lee until her body was removed.

1967 On July 8, Vivien Leigh's death was announced, and all theaters in London's West End turned off their lights for one hour in her honour. A memorial service was held at St Martin-in-the-Fields and Lee's cremated ashes were spread on the lake at her summer home, Tickerage Mill in East Sussex, England.

In a final letter to Vivien just five weeks before her death, Olivier signed, “Sincere love my dear, your Larry.”

In 1989, on July 11, Olivier died of kidney failure

Even after his marriage to Plowright, Olivier held Lee dear in his heart for the rest of his life. It is said that shortly before his death, he found Olivier watching a film starring Lee, with tears in his eyes, “This, this was love,” he said

#classic hollywood #old hollywood #classic cinema #1940s #classic films #classic movie stars #classic movies #1950s #vivien leigh #laurence olivier #Vivien Leigh and Laurence Olivier #vivien and Laurence #tragic love #sad ending #love #love you forever

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autogeneity · 4 months

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Hi, I was looking into computer science and I wanted to ask you what drew you to it and how you feel about it as a career choice?

I don't think my reasons for getting into it are likely to be very helpful to anyone else because they are very specific to my life at the time and not actually much about computer science at all. Skip to the last section for more relevant things.

But here is my story —

I went into university with a starry-eyed idea of understanding the True Fundamentals of Everything and was majoring in maths, physics, and philosophy. also my brain was broken and I had a very fuckd't relationship to reality as a concept (mega derealisation with substantial perceptual distortions and potentially some delusional features) and some part of me saw this as Deep Philosophical Insight, while another hoped getting The Answers would solve it.

after a year it became apparent that this was probably at least a little silly and not going to happen, and I didn't actually see myself being a professional physicist irl.

additionally, I felt more drawn to doing something with more tangible outcomes in the real world rather than chasing maximum abstraction. I had a growing interest in neuroscience and AI and simulation, but also could maybe see myself becoming a professional mathematician. so I kept the maths and switched the others to computer science and psychology.

I guess the specific CS appeals were: I already knew some programming and had found it basically trivial to learn, so I sort of figured it is probably a good match for my brain. and I like puzzles (actually when I first got to uni all the departments were doing little recruitment speech thingies and the CS department actually gave us puzzles! I somehow imagined this would be representative of literally anything (it is not)). I still find those, like, code challenge type problems a lot of fun though.

the final thing that sealed the deal was the availability of a scholarship for maths+cs major, and the fact that it could provide a backup plan if my academia plans failed.

---

As for how I feel about it — well, my academia plans did fail so I am very glad I had a backup in place. Even if they hadn't gone wrong at the time, it's pretty clear to me now that the many mental health issues I continued to deal with in the time since would have led to me fucking up in academia sooner or later in a way they did not in my job. There is much, much more latitude here.

And it's pretty alright as a job; I'm not ecstatic about it but I don't really mind overall and it is sometimes fun. I actually like bug-fixing, lol — the kind where there's an immediately-obvious mistake and I just gotta correct it is boring but the hunt is fun. In general I dislike the amount of small, tedious tasks where I just gotta do some obvious thing, but I like it when I get to build something more substantive that requires more figuring out. I am somewhat fond of the way the shape of the things feels in my brain (not sure that makes any sense lmao). Albeit there are not really many puzzles. :(

But I'm not intending to stay in my current work. I worked briefly in data science and found it much more engaging. I plan to move towards that and/or stuff in the direction of bioinformatics or scientific computing or computational neuroscience. Which is all still computer science but not. software development.

---

Which is probably the biggest thing I would want to highlight for someone considering computer science. In general working in software development (the most typical career path) is very different to working in computer science. Very often someone interested in the one will not be very happy with the other. I would encourage identifying which is your interest, and seeing what they both actually entail, before pursuing anything.

Because like, if you want a run-of-the-mill programming job, in many places it might be worth considering just doing some sort of bootcamp and projects. The company I work at gets probably like 20% of their graduate hires from that stream. Much cheaper and faster than a degree! Or for various other types of work certifications might be a good approach.

If you like mathy things, you probably want computer science proper. If you like engineering, tiny technical details, performance focus, etc, you probably do want formal education and may want to look at things requiring low-level languages, e.g. embedded software. I think people who like twiddling and configuring enjoy cloud shit? or infrastructure and ops work more generally but I think these days most places that looks like cloud shit. If you like the big picture, modeling, and the human side, you may be interested in systems analysis (I find this Very Shaped tbh but am not up for the human side and honestly don't like making big judgement calls).

Somehow I don't actually know what the people who like everyday application development actually like about it specifically lmao? even though they are surely the majority. But ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#asks #shinyangelwombatknight #long post #guess I took the opportunity to go off #I am sort of contemplating my career future and motivations and recently applied for a masters and several jobs #so thinking out loud somewhat also #also it is technically not true that the puzzles are not relevant to anything #they are relevant to job interviews. for some reason.#I have encountered a situation where I needed to apply that sort of thinking exactly one time #and that was a cryptographic thing #I don't really understand what they are proxying

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lillysilvermoon · 2 months

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Hum... I think he really enjoyed?? 😂🥹❤️

I spent a very long time without make any offerings, life really.... I don't even know, University is hard, deal with people after years without dealing with them (pandemic and when the pandemic ended I spent 1 year and a half basic just talking to my 3 friends (and onde was virtual) and studying to get to University lmao) and... I just couldn't handle everything, my own mental health problems (anxiety, overthink, depression, trust issues and the list goes one but I'm better now!!!). I couldn't make rituals, or offerings and after a while I started to feel like they where anger with me (they wasn't this was just my own brain sabotaging me) so yesterday I finally was able to light a candle, talk all of this, and they were still here. With me. Waiting for when I was ready to talk. So give them (this was hades but I gave to Nyx too) and they liked.

Now I'm kind of restarting my practice from a new place. Even tho I wasn't practicing witchcraft or doing deity work, they were always in my mind and my heart, I thought about them every single day, I prayed, I said good morning and night because tha was everything I could do, but since I'm a medium I did a lot of work related to this (wasn't planned just happened) and I learned a lot, I did more internal work, shadow work, and meditation too.

But when I finally was able to come back they were here; and honestly I feel like crying right now cause... you know if had abandonment issues you'll understand how meaningful it is. I felt like the worst person for not doing deity work, for be able to even light a candle to them because I was ashamed of myself (happens witht the best of us) but they were still here.

There isn't a word good enough to express the love and gratitude I have for them, really.

#witchcraft #king hades #hades god of the underworld #hades worship #hades devotee #hades deity #polytheist #polytheism #pagan witch #witchy things #hadesofferings #death deity #deity devotion #deity work

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danpuff-ao3 · 1 year

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Self-Celebration

me: oh no, I've gotten nothing done, I'm a failure

them: wow, Danni, how do you do so much????

I, maybe, need a good reminder of all of my accomplishments, so here we go. Everything I've accomplished this year so far. That I remember, anyway.

Threw together my HP Astro series; edited and formatted and posted to AO3 in time for Bethy's birthday!

Got White Lies & Silver Bells ready to go live on AO3 as soon as Hoggywartyxmas reveals were up!

Wrote Again (and Again) on a whim, to accompany A-Loveunlaced's Snarry art

Wrote a BUNCH of random drabbles for a House of Snarry challenge. 6 of which I also posted to AO3! (A handful of which I have not yet.)

Wrote 5 fics for Kinkuary! 2 of which are in the same universe as Contempt. 2 of which are not yet posted (waiting for the 27th and 28th!) 1 of which (the longest of which) I wrote, edited, and posted same day! The day after I had a tooth extraction.

Wrote 3 fics for Chan Fest! All of which I wrote, edited, and posted same day. 2 of which are 5k+ words!

Various words in various other places.

Brainstorming for other fics.

Co-modding @hp-chan-fest

Starting @hp-fruit-fest (and running solo, RIP me)

Modly duties on the Snarry Sanctuary Discord server

Keeping on top of my AO3 comments! (You know, responding to them.)

New HP Astro posts (Lily, Snily, Luna, and Ron (to be posted 3/1/23!))

Made several ship and fic related playlists on Spotify

Made TONS of fic banners on Canva.

Several rec lists! 8 posted so far, and a few queued up!

Got my home office all set up and cozy!

Brainstorming ideas with friends

Helping alpha/beta/cheer read for friends

Try to stay involved in the community/socializing on Discord, Tumblr, Twitter, Reddit.

Supporting other creators as much as possible!

Finally took the time to learn how to create work skins on AO3!

And site skins!! And finally got all fic stats and personal stats hidden (for mental health!)

Fought with site skin codes on behalf of a friend, to get it tuned to her liking, so that she has a clean and stress-free environment if/when she returns to fandom! (The perks of having your friends' AO3 login haha!) (This took like an hour I stg and I was being way too stubborn to stop fiddling and consult a guide.) (But oh well, I did the dang thing!!!!)

Started compiling resources I need to begin book binding! Still a ways off before I can start cuz supplies are not cheap, but I'm on the right path!

ALSOOOOO

Working a full time job

Spending time with my longtime partner (my beloved Eddie-bear!)

I actually watched a still-newish show for once! Wednesday!

Finished reorganizing/decluttering my home

Baked...a lot. Mostly cookies. Going to bake brownies this weekend!

Many doctor's appointments

And medication changes

I filed my taxes!!

Oh yeah and started being a teensy bit more sociable at work! I had a nice long conversation about ASTROLOGY the other day which was fun and great and awesome.

Oh let's not forget about all my work accomplishments! I made 8 years with my company. All the people coming and going (which I get to deal with.) Our census going way up. Many IT calls and playing IT person for small tech problems. Many errands run. Oh yeah and all the new tasks I get to do because our funder and our corporate office BOTH love changing expectations frequently.

So like...there's stuff I wish I could do and haven't been able to yet. But I'm far from a failure! Or lazy, for that matter. I am a lady of ACCOMPLISHMENT.

#danpuff stuff #personal #self-love is self-care #gotta recognize my wins #my therapist is going to be so proud

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graylinesspam · 4 months

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So there's a post on here, a quite popular one, that likens mental and physical recovery to cleaning a trashed house. I always liked that post, the way it describes recovery as a process that gets easier with practice but doesn't ever really become simpler, It made things i was confused about some much clearer to me.

That post helped me specifically understand because I had so much experience cleaning barely habitable houses. For most of my childhood I was tasked with cleaning jobs that were far outside of a normal 5-15 year old's skill set.

The actual post will say it a lot better than I can here but something about the process of starting at the entryway and working you're way in, learning new techniques, buying new tools, but ultimately accepting that with every room you clean, you will have to drag the mess through the rest of the house and end up getting all the clean places dirty again. That resonated with me.

Some backstory, I grew up with young and broke parents. Many of my early living conditions were filthy apartments and half-renovated farm sheds. I was cleaning almost as soon as I could walk. I had to learn fast. As I got older and our homes improved but it was because my father worked all the time and was almost never home, and when he was he was working side hustles. My mother was a bedridden depressed woman for many years. I had to learn to clean up after an adult's depression nest and myself and my own sister's mess.

I wasn't totally alone in it. My father, for all his absence, was practically a dream housewife when he was around. He could cook and clean and do repairs all at the same time in a horrible overstressed whirlwind. I had to pay attention in order to learn, but more than that I had to keep up with his pace. Just eight years old and tiny and underfoot, trying to learn the cleaning patterns of a grown man in a full tilt adhd hyperfocus cleaning session.

But I did learn. I learned to keep the clutter out of sight, To scrub away the worst of it. I learned to make games out of cleaning to get any help from my sister. Learned how to make throwing trash in the can from a stepstool several feet away into a competitive sport. I learned how to bribe her, and how to pace her, an episode of her favorite show for half a rack of dishes. I learned how to make ramen just the way she liked and trade it for a toybox filled up.

I even got not one but two full time jobs as a house keeper.

But that was before I had started to deal with serious health problems. Now I'm too sick to work. I struggle with making sure I just get up in the mornings and contribute something to the household. Part of my mind is stuck in a shame loop of becoming my mother and the other is preoccupied with the knowledge that my life has gone absolutely nowhere.

This fucking house has become my whole world the same way it always did in the summers when I stopped going to school and mom stopped getting out of bed. Every day I wake up and I do the work. Some days are harder than others. Some days I can even muster up some pride for what I do. It's been two godamn years and I'm finally getting to some of the deeper stuff. I got rid of the broken recliner. Mom is finally ready to throw out her dead uncle's stuff so there's more clutter I can clear away.

Every day I clean the same mess and some days I do impressive things like burning all the wood in the yard.

And it does look good. There's so much less clutter, and I've redecorated. Moved the furniture. Fixed up the yard.

But the carpet is still disgusting. It will never stop reeking of dog. And the floors coming apart and the dishwasher is slowly sinking into the floor and I know in my core that this place is decrepit and no amount of cleaning will make it livable in the long run.

And I don't really know how that became such an apt description of my life but it is. Because I've spent all my life knowing that I'd have to maintain my own mind, I knew how bad that your head could get, I've seen it. But my body is failing on me now too and I don't know how much cleaning you can do on a house if the ceiling is splitting and the floors are falling through.

#totally trauma dumping on main #I'd apologize but I think saying sorry one more time is going to make me do something wildly inappropriate #vent post #Adhd #chronic illness #chronic fatigue

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shunshuntaiga · 1 year

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Okay so, thoughts on Half Bad: the Bastard son and the Devil Himself as a book fan.

Mind you, it's been years since I read the books so the details are a little foggy through my goldfish memory. This will contain spoilers.

Overall, enjoyable. It's so different from the source material that it's hard to compare the two properly, because even the characters are different from how they are in the books. I hope they continue into a season 2 because I'd like to see where they take the book two story of Nathan learning to control his powers (please please please, give me the shared trance sequence with Gabriel god yes please)

Nathan:

In the books his mental health is a very important part of the story, he's depressed, he's been abused his whole life, and it affected how he interacted with the world as a whole. In the show he's still the Nathan from the books, but as if he'd grown up happy with no mental health problems.

They really toned down this aspect of the show. Giving him a loving grandmother, and friends, and a life outside of being a blood witch.

It made his relationship with Annalise in the books more dependent on her, because he'd never *had* someone who cared.

BTW Annalise? HATED HER. In the books at least, they really did a 180 on her personality in the show. They made her defend him which I appreciated, because in the books she never once fought for him (at least that I can remember) and he still adored her even when she was actively letting her brother(s) abuse him.

I don't believe her gift was Undoing as well. I think is was akin to mind control of some kind? (As I said, foggy on details. But I noticed they changed A LOT of people's powers for the sake of excitement)

She also didn't join him after his escape in the books. That was all Nathan and Gabriel for the longest time, and she only reappeared when her family wanted her to go manipulate him.

Gabriel:

A difficult one. His personality is so different from the books he's basically a different character all together. I still like him, but I miss my soft spoken boy who was more than willing to sit with Nathan's volatile moods.

I do like how Annalise and Gabriel start out hating each other (they hate each other in the books, Gabriel with good reason to) but the fact that they become friends, united in their love for Nathan is really nice.

Also I don't know how they managed to make a show that feels like I'm being queer baited SO HARD with their relationship, seeing as Nathan distinctly chooses Gabriel in the books, but hats off netflix you've done it.

SPOILER

As much as I like an Ot3, I'm not sure how I feel about the Nathan/Annalise/Gabriel thrupple deal they've got working. It feels like they're going to ignore Annalise's emotional manipulation and betrayal of Nathan because they afraid to make the main character "fully gay" (I know he's bi, but he does fall out of love with Annalise and in love with Gabriel and I'm sentimental about that because it was the first queer MAIN character I had ever seen.)

BIG POTENTIAL SPOILER

I have hope for the show NOT killing Gabriel because in the finale *they did his death sequence*. In the book he gets shot while trying to escape hunters with Nathan, and it's slightly Nathan's fault (due to gifts that I don't remember exactly) and Nathan becomes so depressed by his death that nothing matters to him, even after they win the war, that he becomes a hermit in the wild and eventually, using the transformation powers he inherets from his father, turns into a tree, which is irreversible.

He can't lice without his lover and it's the saddest thing.

SLEEPING OUTSIDE:

Okay, so slightly disappointed they changed this bit, but in the books blood witches are categorized by their fear of being trapped indoors at night time. So they sleep outside in the open air.

I understand they changed this because it would have been more difficult to film and it's unimportant. But CELIA DIDNT JUST PUT HIM OUTSIDE IN A CAGE TO BE NEEDLESSLY CRUEL. Yes. The cage is cruel, they glossed over many details of his actual time in her care because it was honestly awful, but being outside was for his own safety because blood witches trapped indoors at night loose their minds.

I also kind of wish they spent less time focusing on his sister and built up the relationship between Celia and Nathan. Because they had a special, weird bond in the books.

I did enjoy the show as a whole, and if they make more, I will watch more. But yeah, I have a lot of thoughts because I really loved these books when I read them.

#half bad #half bad spoilers #the bastard son & the devil himself spoilers #the bastard son & the devil himself

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thespacebetweenoureyesblog · 2 years

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burnout

defined as a form of exhaustion caused by constant emotional, physical and mental stress. Everyone relates in the way that it happens every once in a while due to working or practising too hard, overall overworking your brain into overdrive. But what isn't talked about as much as it should be is the burnout from struggling with mental illness and disabilities.

Most people who don't experience the tolls of mental illness don't realize that having a mental illness forces you to fight an invisible battle with your thoughts every second of every day. even if they aren't physical they manifest physically and mentally causing you to feel burnt out even if you don't know it. A lot of the time this causes people like us more problems as they feel they don't have a reason to be burnt out causing more mental stress.

Personally, with me, I'm sure you have heard of the Gifted Kid Burn Out Syndrome if you reside on TikTok or any other form of media. I have unknowingly burnt myself out for the past 16 years of my life I have finally reached my limit and once I recharge it lasts for hardly a few days. This gets incredibly annoying and I end up beating myself up for not doing anything but still being physically drained. It's very very hard to get out of, trust me I know, but I’ve come to learn that how I feel is valid and that helps.

You don't have to be studying or working out constantly to feel burnt out. Just getting through every day and pushing yourself to keep going constantly is enough of a task. It’s a very big accomplishment so please realize and believe that it is okay to feel burnt out regardless of how much work you have done or not, your brain is on constant overdrive, you are allowed to take breaks and you shouldn't feel bad for it.

You go through much more than the normal person and have to learn to deal with so much more that school cannot teach you. So trust me, you are valid, and you deserve breaks, I’m so so proud of you for waking up and getting out of bed each morning even when you feel you cant.

Your happiness and health matter the most, please remember that you deserve the world.

~ m

#burnout #mental health #coping #perfectionism #emotional health #gifted kid burnout #burned out #mental illness

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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Hi all.

Looking for advice and reassurance about my situation. Please do not suggest going to a therapist since that's not possible for me right now.

TW: chronic physical illness, hospital, meds, bullying, alcohol, death, burnout.

I have a chronic physical condition and stressful moments in my life makes me more prone to flare-ups. I've also heard from doctors as well as people with similar conditions that psychological distress can be one of the underlying causes and triggers.

I have at least two other family members diagnosed with the same condition on my mom's side of the family, one older than me (my aunt) and one younger than me (my little cousin).

My little cousin's case was so bad she had to go to the hospital and was prescribed some of the same meds that I take even though she's only 12. I don't know how she's coping with things but I do know she has a lot of stress. I would also not be surprised if she has trauma though we've never talked about it in-depth but I do know she has undergone severe bullying at school (I was bullied at school which left me with trauma too) and she also lost her dad unexpectedly (I recently had a traumatic death of a close family member too, which I'll talk about later).

My aunt (same side of the family, but not my cousin's mom) just kind of learned how to live with the condition and doesn't mention it too often. However, I do know she copes with stress in general by drinking. She has actually advised me to drink in order to help with my stress too (but I was raised in a completely alcohol-free household due to both my parents having a history of alcohol problems and not wanting to go back to it after they quit). I already know that drinking isn't the best solution, but I'm just mentioning that to show you how people in my family cope.

I feel like my condition was manageable for a while, then things started to get bad again and I would say since mid-last year or so it's become one of those things where I wake up with daily pain on a severe level. My pain keeps me from getting out of bed, and the medicine I take for it can sometimes have a drowsiness side effect so it's not uncommon for me to fall back asleep, and then wake up in pain again (my sleep position can be another pain trigger but I don't have any way of controlling that).

First I struggled a lot with school (probably the biggest stressor in my life for a while). I graduated and although it took me a while I finally found a job that I absolutely love. It gives me a sense of purpose and the co-workers I've met through my job are genuinely some of the best people I've ever met. But a lot of times I find it extremely hard to relax when I'm not working, and when I am working I constantly feel like I could be doing more or that my work isn't as good as other people's. I took on more work assignments than usual last month and now I'm feeling burnt out this month.

Lately, I had a death in the family that turned my world upside down. It's been extremely tough to deal with. I saw her die in front of me and saw other extremely unpleasant things like seeing her body carried out of her room, seeing her open casket at the funeral, and just lots of other disturbing mental images I can't get out of my head.

After that, I had a really difficult Christmas which I spent away from home on an emergency trip (another one of my relatives was near death, but went back to stable condition). The trip was an awful experience which took a deep toll on my mental health. Everyone was stressed out because it was a last minute situation and I feel like this made us all act way more argumentative and aggressive towards each other than usual.

During the trip and after coming back, I noticed my schedule got disrupted and my pain was starting to get more frequent. Usually I only need to treat it in the morning but ever since the trip I have started getting pain episodes about 2-3 times a day.

I know it's been months since Christmas but I still feel affected by it (and I know I'm not the only family member who is because my mom is constantly bringing up arguments related to stuff that happened on the trip that got her upset, it comes up again almost every day).

Like I said before, the high stress situation impacted EVERYONE and looking back I did say something that I probably should have kept to myself but my mom says she's never going to forget that I said it and that our relationship can never go back to being the same. And honestly it hasn't been the same, it really feels like she hates me now.

There are many MANY more things I could mention but basically it just feels like one thing after the next and I'm suffering a lot both physically and mentally.

At the moment I'm feeling really guilty about my condition. Like I said before I wake up with pain and I've been experiencing pain later on in the day too so the moment I wake up, I'm already anticipating a day ahead where I have to be treating my symptoms but still force myself to be productive/get work done because I don't know how to give myself breaks. And I feel bad because I feel like if I hadn't let my stress levels get to this point then my pain wouldn't have gotten so bad (meaning my physical health wouldn't have gotten this bad either) and I blame myself for not knowing how to cope better. I don't cope with alcohol but I don't know if treating my pain with meds is really that much better, I'm not misusing them or anything but I do worry about potential long-term effects on my body.

As of last month I don't have a doctor anymore (thanks to insurance issues). And I don't think I'd be able to see a therapist (again, insurance issues… and my experiences with "free therapy" have never actually been free and left me feeling worse rather than better).

Do you have any advice on how I can start dealing with all this on my own? From Chantal

Hi Chantal,

I'm so sorry about not only what your family has been going through but also what you've been going through as well. I'm also so sorry for your loss. I can see that you're hurting on multiple levels.

It sounds like this condition is taking a great toll on you and your family, not only the pain itself but the side effects of the medication, as well as how other family members are coping with it.

I'm so glad to hear that you found a job you love, and that you're getting along well with your coworkers. But I can understand how it can be hard to relax when you're not working, especially with the condition you're dealing with.

I also hear you saying how, when you're working, you feel like you could be doing more. While this is hard to subdue, do know that you're already doing more than enough. You're doing your best given your circumstances and that's okay. You don't have to overexert yourself or come out on top every time. It's important to remind yourself of where your boundaries and limits are and respect them when you reach your capacity (especially with a chronic illness), in order to avoid burnout in the future.

I can understand how your loss has been hard to deal with, especially with everything else you've been dealing with recently. I think watching someone die as well as the other unpleasant things you saw could definitely be traumatic, and it's understandable that these images are hard to shake.

I also see how the emergency that unfolded around Christmas made your family more tense and hostile towards each other. Please know that it's okay if you still feel affected by what happened. You've been going through a very stressful time recently and it's important to acknowledge that.

Your question does not necessarily have a simple answer. There are a lot of parts to your pain that I feel like are all tangled up together, and so it may be a little complicated to try and sort them out and process everything on your own (i.e without the guidance or mediation of a mental health professional, although I know that's not an option for you right now). But I can give you a general framework of how you could process your traumas.

This article talks about emotional and psychological trauma and how to heal from these. It mentions that for those who have lost a loved one, part of healing is of course moving through the grieving process.

As for healing from trauma in general, the article recommends to get moving if possible, or practicing mindfulness. "Notice the sensation of your feet hitting the ground, for example, or the rhythm of your breathing, or the feeling of wind on your skin." The second tip is to avoid isolating yourself, whether that's participating in social activities, talking to friends, joining a support group for trauma survivors, and such. The third tip is to self-regulate your nervous system by practicing grounding and breathing exercises, but also allowing yourself to feel any emotions that may come up. The fourth tip is to just take care of yourself as best as possible, avoid self-medicating, rest well, eat a balanced diet, and practice some stress-relief activities.

Please know that healing isn't linear, and there is no time limit. You heal at your own pace, sometimes you will take backwards steps, but it's all part of the healing journey. Please remember to be gentile and patient with yourself, not only as you deal with your chronic physical illness but also as you process these traumas.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#trauma talks #mod bun #chantal #tw death #tw substance abuse #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #trauma details

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0verthinking1t · 2 years

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Down For Maintenance: how I got so good at saying I feel bad

Ok, so I just got off my weekly therapy session, and it left me with thoughts of my experiences in hindsight, the things I've learned about myself after quitting social masking, and the "compliment" I keep getting that I'm so uncommonly articulate about my mental health needs and so good at advocating for myself. Fair warning, this is an unfiltered rant. I'm angry and tired, and I need to be angry and tired out loud for a minute.

Here's the secret trick: I'm not. I'm not articulate, or well spoken, or a naturally good communicator. I'm exhausted, and I'm fucking pissed off. I told my therapist it feels like all the social activities and groups that have been my stable foundation for the last few years are disappearing suddenly, and gave her an example of my most beloved D&D group and the two players whose private beef just forced us to take an indefinite hiatus. I told her that I reacted by flat out telling the one of them still talking to us that I'm very upset neither of them warned the group they were having issues; I'm not taking sides, and I'm not saying I don't want to be sensitive to the awful shit they're in right now, but thanks to the fact that I was blindsided by this I am now also in my own shit situation and they needed to have handled their commitment to their other friends better. She commended me, and asked how I thought I was able to build up the skill to tell someone something like that instead of distancing myself and losing the whole game and group I loved in the name of being sensitive to someone else. That's when it occurred to me, not for the first time, that professionals aren't used to dealing with patients who are this self aware and informed. Everyone I've had to go through on this journey, from my doctor to my psychiatrist to both my therapists, has reacted with shock and amazement that I know exactly what's wrong with me and how it can be fixed; "wow, how did you convince your PCP to get you on antidepressants so fast?" Because I was on them as a teenager and specifically know what to say when I ask for them— hey doc, I've had clinical depression since I was a kid, and I'm starting to have episodes of emotional distress and mild suicidal thinking that I can't handle. I was on Prozac years ago and I want to be put back on something now. "Oh, this outline you typed up and brought to our first psychiatry appointment actually covers everything I needed to ask you today. People aren't usually so well prepared!" I'm not, I've just been through psych, therapy, and CBT before and am already aware of a lot of the things you usually need to coax out of people, including the fact that I have memory issues and problems putting thoughts into speech, and I knew that if I didn't write all this and show it to you I wouldn't present as nearly half as bad as I am. "How did you know to tell your d&d friend how you feel? It sounds like you already have a lot of skills coping with things well" I didn't know to tell him shit, my other group just self destructed like a baking soda volcano because someone kept badgering me to 'share my feelings' when I kept telling them I was upset and needed to walk away from the conversation, which led to me running out of energy to filter myself and giving them exactly the angry, overreactive, barely cohesive essay of a rant they were demanding from me. I used up all my patience on that issue, and I'm fucking traumatized by this endless cycle of my friend groups breaking up over drama just when I was starting to relax and feel like this one was finally going to stick around, and at this point it's a matter of either not pretending I'm fine so we can all drift apart awkwardly in peace or putting myself in the goddamn hospital for the final emotional meltdown that has me screaming in the streets and ripping my skin off. I have not built up a skill, I have had my last defense torn down. Advocating for myself is now a matter of life or death.

To explain it metaphorically (because what's an ADHD brain without confusing metaphors that go on too long until they also don't make sense), I'll give the example that the human brain is designed to automatically force shut down your system if you don't sleep for long enough. In an act of self preservation, you will start experiencing involuntary blackouts as your brain forces you to give it the maintenance time it requires to keep you alive. When you've been physically exerting yourself nonstop for several days, you literally run out of power and just. Stop. Likewise, I feel that, at least for me, the mental/emotional system has its own system override to force you into resting and processing. I've been pretty much flooring it for the last 10 years— masking for a good 90% of my conscious time, forcing myself to fit a way of living that wasn't made for me because that's just what I was told was right, going it alone and without treatment because the trauma I was experiencing was still hanging over my head and silencing me, hopping from job to job every few months until I convinced myself the voice of my insecurity was coming from the people around me, studying the correct ways to have certain conversations ("how to ace a job interview", "how to lock down a sale", "how to impress people at parties", etc)— I have not truly rested in an emotional sense for...... I don't remember that I ever have, really. And it's all because when I was 6 and someone told me my brain isn't built right, I was taught that it was my responsibility to be ever-vigilant and critical of my own reality. It was my responsibility to stop mid argument and tell myself 'they don't understand why I'm upset because my feelings aren't proportionate to what actually happened. They must be right, and my feelings are usually lying to me.' my responsibility to hold it in around normal people, to put myself in time out when I get too passionate for the conversation, to parent myself out of temper tantrums and eating ice cream for breakfast and touching things that fascinate me.

I was never taught how to rest.

Making the recent decision to let myself be healthily unpleasant when I'm upset was a matter of my emotional state forcing me to take rest and heal myself. I have been seriously injured by bosses who not only expect, but require me to forgo my enjoyment of life and dedicate my entire soul to them, one too many times. I have been seriously injured by the sudden loss of entire support systems over some petty drama or miscommunication, one too many times. I am finally ready to give people the "honesty" they think they're asking for, not because I have built up confidence, but because I have lost the energy to hold back. My feelings aren't lying to me; it is a scientific, observable, undebatable fact that I am upset about something, and I am as entitled to voice that as everyone else. Yes, I feel upset more intensely than others do, and I can't always explain in a good way, but that is an unchangeable function of my mental illness that the right people who really want to be around me will do their best to be aware of. I am not going to take twice as much damage from things because you don't want to handle my needs. It's time for me to fucking rest.

the Social Etiquette server is currently offline for required maintenance. We kindly ask for your patience during this unexpected hiatus, and we apologize for the inconvenience. We hope to be catering to your emotions again very soon! ~ 💙

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sol-draws-sometimes · 3 months

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new asks huh... sure: 2, 4, 9

HEHEHE!Wow are you the same anon from last time, keep picking one's I ramble on! (It's fine tho, love rambling) Here are the OG questions, feel free to ask more!(can you tell I love sharing my thoughts)

2. Thoughts on Veganism

I have pretty complicated thoughts on Veganism but I think the TLDR of my thoughts is that the idea that being Vegan is a good thing while not everyone has to/even can do it themselves are thoughts that can coexist. There are lots of valid reasons why one might not want to be vegan such as health(physical health such as allergies or mental health such as previous experiences with EDs) or culture. I don't believe in moralizing food, and also humans are literally omnivores. At the same time, it is something that is better for the planet and if it is something you know you can do, one could do their part. There is also the thing of if you are the type of person who's like "I'd be vegan except for X,Y, and Z) then just do that. For me personally, I'm mostly pretty good with food, I have no alllegreis and I have become a less picky eater over the years. However, my whole life I've had fluctuating appetite problems where I'm fine most of the times, but then I'll hit a period of time where my appetite just drops to the floor and I have manage with what I can, and my main safe foods are chocolate milk and eggs(no vegan). But, being vegetarian is something I could do in the future I think, rn with my current life circumstances I don't think I can, but it's definitely a long-term goal of mine. The one problem I think is idk if I'd make exceptions for Cuban food? or when I'm visiting, cause Cuban food isn't super vegan/vegetarian-friendly but that's a future problem for me to deal with(at least frijoles are vegan, and maybe Manteca can be swapped out in certain pastries?)

Also, I think it's possible to engage with animal products while acknowledging that they came from an animal and not do it carelessly. I specifically have pretty conflicting thoughts on leather, but I think I've landed that I'm okay with buying leather as long as I am certain that I will use it well until I literally and physically can't no longer. For example, the character shoes I bought for choir 2 years ago are shoes I wear all the time and I plan to wear them until I literally can not anymore. And totally feel fine using thrifted leather products, so I think when possible that would be my first choice.

I still have a lot to learn about veganism but yeah, don't moralize food, humans are also animals they also deserve to live fulfilling lives and if it's something possible for you by all means do it!

4. Mythetical Creature you think/believe is real

Sorry I'm boring, I don't think any are real, tho ghosts being real would be cool! Or like unicorns/mermaids! Maybe dragons, but Idk if I want to deal with the real-world implications of that! Or Vampires! They're pretty fascinating to me!

9. Do you have a skincare routine(and how many steps is it)

Wash face with face wash at night

That's it, I probably should wash my face in the mornings, and I should probably put on sunscreen every day, but alas I don't. But I brush my teeth and wash my face every single night!!!! So I'm proud of myself for building that habit! Well, I'm one of the few ADHDers that never struggled with brushing my teeth at night cause it was like "a law" I had to do it before going to bed, but face washing was a habit I formed when I was in high school. (It took a couple of tries but it finally stuck one day) I find building morning routines harder cause "do X before sleeping" is easier to do than "do x in the morning" especially when I'm groggy, have other responsibilities, need to go to school, etc. Actually, I've been trying to add flossing to my night routine and so far that's been successful! Anyway, future me will find a way to create a morning routine, and when I do, it'll probably include washing my face and sunscreen.

#sol talks #sol asks #it me!#my post

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ahopkins1965 · 5 months

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Leviticus 19:11 says: You shall not lie. You shall not deceive one another. This means that we should be honest with one another. You shall not lie and deceive one another. I will admit that I have learned this behavior from my fair weather friends. My friends used to lie to their own family members. They used to lie about being in school until the school called the home and notify the parents and let them know that their children were not in school.

Next, I remember when I did not attend school for three years. My grandparents ordered me to go over their house because I didn't go to school. I stayed with my grandparents until I graduated from high school. I was able to get a job working as a maintenance man at the Maharg Management Incorporation for three years. I then went to college at Central State University near Dayton, Ohio. I majored in Social Welfare. I earned a total of 63 credit hours worth of classes.

Further, I enlisted in the United States Marines for a little while. I also got a job working at Skyline Chili Restaurant for two years. I remember talking to women for three years until I got involved in a relationship for only nine months. My ex used me, and I remember that I did not pay rent at my apartment for four months. I ended up owing $2,000 dollars in back rent. I got evicted out of my apartment, and I had to stay with my grandparents until I went to treatment for drugs and alcohol abuse. I want to inform all of you that I asked God to help me with my problems. God told the Israelites to treat each other with respect.

Finally, God helped me with my deceptive ways. This is because I used to look at porn for a total of 38 years. I was involved in a relationship with a God Fearing Woman. I was wrong for not telling her about my mental health. I had to receive an intervention. This is the reason why I told her that I was suspended from my job for two weeks without pay. I was arrested for theft by deception on two different occasions. I was afraid to tell my girlfriend at the time that I lost my job on April 9, 2009. I was making a lot of mistakes in my personal life. I went home for three months just to redeem myself. I became homeless for at least six months. I constantly went back and forth to the hospital until I was ordered to go back to Dayton, Ohio on January 5, 2010. I admitted that I was still making mistakes in Dayton, Ohio.

In Conclusion, I went to church and I was baptized on three different occasions. I asked God to help me with my attitude about life itself. I admit that I went through a battle with demonic spirits. For a total of 14 years now, I have been dealing with familiar spirits. The voices do not bother me as much as they used to. I write everything down on the computer. Right Now, I tell the truth about everything in my life right now. I have to get a job and pay my student loans from the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. I'm very truthful with everyone about my personal life. God does not want us lieing and deceiving one another.

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kisilinramblings · 3 years

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While I know Adrien doesn't have a lot of time for himself, is he ever actually stressed over his schedule? I'm asking mostly because I've seen people claim that Marinette shouldn't make a big deal over her responsibilities and stress, because Adrien has it worse than her. It always seemed more like he was disappointed that he didn't have more time with his friends, and that he was just "alright" with his schedule, didn't enjoy it but didn't hate it.

I think he is stressed, but it is not the same type of stress than Marinette’s.

Marinette is constantly running, juggling with everything she has to do. She is so often late that everyone who knows her don’t expect her to be on time. When they do call her, it is because they are starting to wonder if she has forgotten they had plans. And Marinette has been shown to even confuse dates altogether (Prime Queen) .

Adrien’s schedule is fixed and often predetermined for the whole day. Outside of him having to save Paris, of course. Nathalie is in charge of managing his time and she briefs him during breakfast while Adrien’s bodyguard is in charge to drive him on time to the different places. So, he doesn’t have much to think about. He knows where he has to be and when. So unlike Marinette, he has no schedule conflict because most of them are prevented thank to Nathalie’s management.

BUT

He is not much allowed to have fun and to be a kid. He has fencing and piano lessons where he has to perform well. In school too, he needs to have good grades. For his modeling and other celebrity related activities, he has to be docile and not stain the image of his father’s brand. Adrien may have grown used to it, but that doesn’t change the fact most of the time, for him, modeling is still long, plain and boring. There is no pleasure for him to participate in those activities.

On top of that, Adrien cannot express himself or leave whenever he wants to. There is always the fact that if he acts differently to what it is expected of him, he risks being punished. So he remains cautious, avoids conflict, and either endures or is sneaky. He offers little resistance when he is the one concerned.

That’s why when he has the luxury to have fun and be with his friends, he first has to evaluate the risk, then can unleash his fun to some degree deign acceptable regarding the circumstances.

Him as Chat Noir? I have a secret identity and no one knows it is me, I can go to my hearts content!

Him with Kagami? She helps me get away a little, but while I enjoy her company and we have a good complicity, I cannot fully drop my guard because of how similar our environment is.

Him with his friends in general? Depends on the context and what is expected on me. I’m still new to all this so I’ll observe and go with the flow so long my father doesn’t learn about it.

----

Basically, Marinette is stressed because she currently has more than she can chew on her plate and is forced to make sacrifices and mourned normal everyday aspects of her life she used to have. Back during S3, Marinette even showed signs of burnout. And during Gang of Secrets, her mental health was so low even her transformation sequence from that episode was less vibrant than usual.

Adrien is stressed because -- most of the time -- his normal environment actually understimulate him and he has little to no satisfaction with his shedule activities outside of school, an activity he chose for himself and hanging with his friends (with or without the costume). But it is only as Chat Noir he can run away from his problems until something reminds him too much of a lingering problem he has with his father.

Neither have as much liberty as they would wish to have and that impact them differently.

Adrien’s civilian obligations and non-resolved problems affect him as Chat Noir and if something reminds him too much of the problem is he trying to escape, it usually burst open the abscess but it also doesn’t solve what caused the abscess in the first place.

Marinette’s obligations as Ladybug and now the Guardian of the Miracle Box impacts more and more her civilian life to the point she is sacrificing what gives her life happiness and meaning as a human being. She cannot go back to how things were and this is what is hurting her the most. She can only push forward.

----

Finally, to whoever says that Marinette doesn’t have it so bad, I smell a little hint of disguised misogyny in that statement.

Neither chose their life. Adrien certainly didn’t choose his family. Marinette certainly didn’t choose to become the Guardian.

Adrien’s home life is hunting him down whereas Marinette’s obligations are now following her even back to her home.

Adrien’s room is a prison imposed by others while Marinette’s room gets shut from the world because she has to protect her secret.

Both are isolated and not because they wanted to.

Heck, Adrien likes to be Chat Noir to escape his problems. Marinette recently stated she is better off to only be Ladybug because she doesn’t want to face her feelings.

One is bored. The other is tired.

One is surviving, the other is mourning

One doesn’t know who he is, the other is only the ghost of who she was.

Both are lying to get around with their obligations.

Both wish to have a normal teenage life but can’t.

Both want to have a romantic life but can’t

Both are valid in their respective distress.

#miraculous ladybug #adrien agreste #marinette dupain-cheng #Anonymous

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