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fezcosbitch · 3 years

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JJ MAYBANK IMAGINE:

PASSION AND WILD REGRET 2

After a few requests, here’s the second part to passion and wild regret

you can read part 1 here

if the link doesn't work please tell me! x

I hope you enjoy ❤️

You can request if you want x

Warnings: Angst, hella angst. Also the pogues (kie) are rude in this one like...RUDE. Reader is confrontational and not gonna lie, i’m here for it, like I wish I could do this. also if you like Kie... you about to not like Kie, shes a bit off the rails, mega jealous ex here.

All feedback’s welcome, as long as its not mean or rude 💙

So yeah, hopefully you enjoy❤️

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It was 2:57 when i woke up the following morning, or evening, and i had absolutely no clue what to do with myself. I had an immense headache, and a deep pain in my heart. How could they do that? say that? You had been there for them all, through everything. Yet somehow they decide to say all that about you. You were there for Kie when she was at her lowest point, you found her in the bathrooms with Sarah, yet when Sarah left, you stayed, and she never saw it. When John B felt like he would never fit in, and you were the only one (apart from JJ) who stuck by him. Or pope, who, for preparation for his college interview wanted someone to revise with so he wouldn’t be lonely for hours on end, and when everyone opted to surf and sun tan instead of help him, you were the one to stay behind and assist him in his studies, while you could’ve been outside in the summer, tanning and surfing. And then JJ, the person who undoubtedly hurt you the most. You were there for him all the time. Throughout all the beatings his dad gave him. And all the angry times he almost threw his life away by getting arrested. You saved him from so much, and yet he repays you by saying you’re too much for him, and not worth him.

You couldn’t stand having these thoughts festering around in your mind, so decided that the best thing would be to confront the pogues, and ask why they thought what they did. You hopped in your car and drove over to the chateau, ready to either make or break all your supposed friendships.

Pulling up to the chateau, You saw all the pogues sitting around the porch, talking about something you couldn’t hear. After you’ve stepped out your car, you slam the door shut and lock it, as all the pogues heads turn to look at you. JJ immediately gets up and heads towards you, while the rest of the pogues stand up behind him.

“oh baby I-” JJ started, tears brimming in his eyes already just wanting to apologize over and over again. “don’t even JJ, don’t even start” you said , shaking your head at him “I-” he tried again desperate for you to hear what he wanted to say. “NO JJ, NO. You don’t get to speak over me ok? none of you do. I cant believe you guys i mean, how dare you. I’ve done nothing but stick by you! all of you! yet you repay me like this? wow, Thanks guys I really appreciate that yeah. Just, I can’t believe all of you.” You quickly let out, looking at all of them

“I DIDN’T AGREE WITH THEM BABY I SWEAR” JJ bursts out, desperate for you to forgive him. “what?” you question, immediately wanting to know if this is true. “ I-I-I don’t know what you heard but I never agreed to what they said,I would never, please baby believe me, I know you’ve done so much for me, you’re the best thing to ever happen to me, I argued fully with them all night, I never once agreed, please take me back.” JJ begged, now directly in front of you grasping onto your hands. “is this true?” you asked the rest of the pogues behind him, desperate to find out if it was true or not, desperately wanting someone on your side. All the pogues solemnly nodded, proving to you that JJ did in fact argue against his friends. You looked him dead in the eye “of course i’ll take you back idiot, i kind of stormed of halfway through, didn’t get to hear what you said” you told him smiling through your tears of joy due to knowing that JJ did in fact fight for you. you quickly take him in your arms and hold him tight, “I’m so sorry” you whispered, knowing it must of been hard for him to read the letter you left him. “It’s ok” he whispered back, lightly kissing your shoulder. In that moment you both knew you were never going to let go of each other again, and that if needed, you’d swim entire oceans to be together.

In all of that chaos you had forgotten the pogues behind you, who you initially came here for. Breaking out of the hug between you and JJ, you turn to face them with all your pent up anger ready to be unleashed, and knowing JJ was safely with you, and prepared to go to the end of the earth with you, you felt ready to take on whatever your ‘friends’ say to you.

“What about you guys then?” you started off. “What was that all about? all the ‘Y/ns not good enough for you’, and the ‘she’ll only bring you down’ what was all that?” you questioned looking around at all three of them “Its our honest thoughts” Kie spoke up, making you turn to look at her. “really?” you questioned, cocking one eyebrow. “yeah” she responded, crossing her arms. “boys?” you asked, wanting to see if they agreed. John B was the first to nod his head, almost instantly, and pope slowly after, agreeing with his statement. “wow... All my friends hate me.” you whistled, slowly coming to the full realization. JJ grasped your hand, to remind you that he was there for you. “We don’t hate you y/n... we just hate you and JJ being together” John B backed Kiara up, acting as if it was the most obvious thing ever. “why bro? why can’t you just be happy for us?” JJ questioned from behind you, genuinely curious “ because bro, Shes a bad influence. She doesn’t care bro, not about you, us, anyone man why can’t you see that? sure shes cool and stuff and shes a fun friend but that’s all she should ever be” John B ranted. “ What the fuck bro? All of you think that? wow. So everything I’ve ever done for you guys is washed away by some dumb mistakes right? I do some drugs and SHIT I’m the worst person in the world right? everything I’ve ever done forgotten because of some things I do when I’m drunk right?” you questioned all at once, trying to show them how stupid they were being. “Yes” Kiara responds. “Yes because we don’t know what else you’ll do. First it’s molly, next its what? METH?” Kiara stressed. “You’re unreliable, and God knows what you could get JJ into.” she finished. “wha- Kie why are you SO scared about what JJ could get into man? Like what? I’d never hurt him, or do anything like that, I love him man, so what are you so worried about?” you ranted, confused by Kies emotions. Of course you understood her worry for her friends. but she didn’t say that about John B, or Pope, so why JJ? “BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM! YOU NEVER DID” Kie fully lets out. Ah, you understood now. “You jealous Kiara?” you questioned? “you want JJ yeah? want him to be with you, so now everything I do apparently is more of a reason for him to be with you yeah?” you finally said, having worked out why she was so angry. Kie and the rest of the pogues were silent at your discovery. “wait, what about you guys?” you questioned the two boys. “well uhh, Kie kinda told us you may have cheated on J”

your jaw dropped.

“THE FUCK KIE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” you were shocked at the lies she was spilling. “ WELL YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM ANYWAY, THE MORE PEOPLE THAT SEE THAT MAYBE THE MORE HE’LL REALIZE IT, WHO CARES IF THERE’S A COUPLE OF LIES” all of you stood there shocked at what Kie just said. “ the fuck-” JJ started, shocked out of his mind that Kie would say something like that. “ I can’t even. Don’t talk to me Kiara, don’t even approach me until i say so, oh and sort out your major jealousy problem, it’s not cute honey” you said while getting in your car, waiting for JJ to enter in the passenger side. After J got in, you started the car and rolled down your window, “oh and I forgive you boys, i understand why you did it, so like don’t worry. Sort it out Kie, love” you sarcastically grinned and waved to her as you drove away.

“Jesus Christ” you said to JJ “you know I’d never cheat on you don’t you?” you questioned just to make sure. “no of course i know you wouldn’t, its just, the fuck was that with Kie like, what even?” JJ responded. “Honestly, I don’t even know. I forgive John B and Pope cause like, obviously, they were lied to and lead to believe all that but like. How can she be so jealous man?” you questioned, genuinely curious about how one person could be so jealous of another. “I don’t know baby, I don’t know” J responded while kissing your hand.

even though you were away from it all, one question played on your mind...why would she do that?

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So yeah... Kie did that.

What were your thoughts? Please tell me ! 💙

Part 3 anyone? If so please tell me x

Sorry for the long wait x

And also sorry if it’s bad ❤️

But yeah that was that how do you feel about it?

All feedbacks welcome as long as it’s not rude or mean💙

But yeah, cya

People who wanted to be tagged :

@mrsmaybank18 (Wouldn’t let me tag you :( )

@captainwinterwriter @ifilwtmfc @hurricane-abigail

@thenextteen

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papirlife · 3 years

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Chipin’ In

Okay so I’ve had minimal exposure to this game from the start, and I only just finished the main quest line enough to get to Chipin In and I am SPEECHLESS. So please find my interpretation of chipin in from my V’s perspective. But feel free to comment because honestly I think it could really apply to any V’s out there and I like analyzing stuff. Fair warning this is LONG, you have been warned.

So in my canon game, by this point V and Johnny have worked together enough to build up a strong sense of camaraderie. While V never truly hated Johnny, even if they were wary of him at the start, what with their rough introduction, by this point, V’s started to tentatively trust him, and even rely on him in some situations. They’ve started to feel comfortable in his presence, and been more open with their thoughts, ideas, emotions because despite sharing a brain, they’ve still kept their guard up as best they can.

My V ( Vendetta) is a very distant person, they like keeping to themselves, they don’t like to drink because they hate being out of their senses, the only time they willingly touched alcohol was at Jackie’s funeral, as a way to honour him and pay their respects. Other than indulging in the occasional smoke, to settle their nerves and get Johnny to stop gripping so much they’re very reserved, solitary and not at all interested in such things.

So to have enough trust in Johnny after they realized he kept them safe when they blacked out and when he gave them his tags to allow him to take this step and settle his past once and for all, only for him to go and completely throw in their face sent them reeling.

They were scared outta their mind when they woke up in the motel room. V didn’t know where they were, the relic was acting up, they were half dressed, and their brain felt like it was gonna vibrate out of their skull. The only familiar thing they saw was Rogue, and that wasn’t really helpful because at this point they weren’t terribly fond of her. They respected her, and admired her skills but they ABSOLUTELY DID NOT wanna wake up in a shitty room with her looming over them.

When the pieces start falling together and the events of last night start coming back to them, V is just numb, and their not sure if it’s because of their emotions or if it’s because of the remains of whatever the hell Johnny swallowed the night prior. Either way when he makes an appearance V just wants him GONE, he’s the last person they wanna see. During their conversation in the motel, he’s shocked that they didn’t trust him still, and V is just...not having it because their trust in him before this wasn’t solid, giving him control had been as much of test for him as it was for them, and he blew it by violating their faith in him, lying to them not once but again and again and then violating their body despite knowing their reservations. And the fact, that he was being a prick when they woke, making it out to seem that THEY were the one’s overreacting, was just icing on the cake.

After the brief conversational the motel, V just gives him the silent treatment, they ignore him, they don’t acknowledge him, don’t turn in his direction if he shows up, they’re just on autopilot and the only thing they want is to go home.

V was FURIOUS; they were hurt, upset, frustrated, but they were also angry at themselves for trusting him. They get home, and just break down because they’re overwhelmed, the last few weeks have been rough and this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back and they feel like an idiot for it all. To top it off, they also have to acknowledge that they we’re starting to feel something FOR Johnny; not love, at least not yet, but that’s likely where it was headed and it just makes everything so much worse because V had tried to ignore those emotions up until now, and they had a suspicion that Johnny has as well but this episode brought everything to the surface and made them face it head on.

The best part is Johnny has a front row seat to all of this, and when V breaks, down he really starts to feel like shit too because it’s the first time in his life that he gets to the experience the emotion behind all the pain he caused not just to V but to everyone who dared to care about him, who tried to get through to him. And he hates it.

Eventually V, starts to become a little more clear headed, and then they start thinking and that’s when the doubts set in. They start doubting everything between them and Johnny, each interaction and conversation, every word he spoke to them at Pistis Sophia, the dog tags he gave them as a show his trust, his potential sacrifice, his regard for them and their safety, the friendship and sense of camaraderie they had built up together; all of it gets thrown out the window because now the the only thing V can think is “how much of it was a lie? How much has he manipulated me into helping him, liking him, agreeing with him? How much, if any of it was true?”

Because, in their mind, had he really cared about them, he would have been honest, upfront or he wouldn’t have done something like this in the first place regardless of wether it was intentional or not.

Meanwhile, Johnny’s freaking out, V’s not holding anything back, they’re letting him read their thoughts loud and clear because right now they could care less about anything he has to say to them and Johnny is freaking the fuck out because damn it, this isn’t what he wanted, this isn’t how it was supposed to go, that promise, the tags it was all true, and it’s all he can give them because he’s got nothing else to show them that he does care.

It’s when V gets up off the floor, and locks the tags away in a safe in their armory, that the panic sets in and Johnny is just going like fuckfuckfuckfuck.

When Rogue calls, after a whole day of not speaking to him or really anyone for that matter, Johnny fully expects V to call off the hunt on Smasher, and he knows that Rogue won’t go after him alone. But to his shock, V agrees and heads down to the Afterlife, to work out the details because they made him a promise and unlike him they inteended to keep it. And Johnny hopes to god that maybe yesterday was just a fluke, maybe they can just forget the whole thing, never talk about it again and just be normal.

But he knows in the back of his mind that that’s not gonna happen because while V is still keeping their end of the bargain, he can still feel how hurt they are because of him and this is just further confirmed because when Rogue’s presents them with the jacket, V thanks her, but asks if they can just leave it in the trunk for now. They continue to ignore him, and just try and get through the night as quickly as possible.

They’re trying to numb their emotions, numb the hurt. But it comes to a head during the confrontation with Grayson because V can’t ignore how they feel, they can’t pretend that they don’t care about Johnny, that they don’t care about his life, his mistakes, his past. That they don’t care and about what happened to him, or what will happen to him depending on how all this pans out. Which is why V gets defensive when Grayson starts talking crap, starts stalling or making a mockery of Johnny’s legacy.

And this is what kinda prompts Johnny to make an attempt to fix his mess, because up until now he fpthought that V likely hated him for what he’d done. But seeing them getting protective, defending him, gives him a little hope that maybe, just maybe he can salvage this.

When V gets into the Porsche and heads to the Oil Fields, when they hear the shear amount of pain and disappointment and remorse in Johnny’s, they mark his place in the field, and decide that while yes they’re hurt, they don’t hate him, they doubt they could ever hate him.

Some part of Johnny still hopes that he didn’t colossally fuck up, which is why he tentatively says that their friendship is the one thing he hasn’t managed to ruin but he knows he’s put a permanent dent in their relationship, which is why I think that if you choose not to confront him he thinks you’re being insincere, because throughout the whole quest, from every interaction they have together, you can tell that V is upset because of what happened, and he knows because they share an intimacy that could never hide this fact from him so if you suggest otherwise it feels like you’re just avoiding the elephant in the room.

But he recognizes his mistake after V points it out, he understands that he did them wrong, that he had no right to use them, use their body the way he did, and the dealbreaker here is that he recognizes it and he apologizes and asks them for a second chance. And V truly forgives him, because the apology in and of itself is a miracle, because the old Johnny would never even think to apologize, just let the wound sit and fester and ignore the emotional trauma that came with it. But this Johnny, the one here and now, has grown and he wants to set things right, with Rogue, with Kerry and especially with V. And V sees this, sees the remorse, hears his apology, and decides that yes, this Johnny deserves a second chance. And in my canon, this is a turning point in their relationship, and it’s where they start to develop something like love for each other, even if they don’t t realize it just yet.

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thewickerking · 2 years

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everyday i wake up. i find a mutual in law whos blocked me. like whyyy i dont even do anything on this website. some ex muts too like what. i feel like i have very little internet presence outside of talking to specific internet friends on like. discord like what do i do on TUMBLR that makes ppl want to hardblock me. i swear i was blocked less by mutual in laws on my old account where home.stuck was one of my top tags (im an ex hs fan for context i do not support it and actively hate it) like ??? i KNOW im overthinking this its literally tumblr who cares and i laugh abt it a lot but idk it bothers me like im not fixated on it pleeease dont think im that terminally online or anything i think im just mental illness 👍

like idk idk i put a huge amount of energy into how im perceived bc it matters a lot to me that people around me like me ..like irl i will buy food for people i despise bc i want ppl to have positive associations with me soo bad . this isnt like an "ohhh im such a nice person how dare u not like me im so nice" thing bc i absolutely can and will be an asshole and im constantly walking the line between "im overly self confident for fun" and "i genuinely think im better than everyone and will say it" and like a bunch of other stuff i dont have to list all my flaws to make a point (<- almost did but decided againist it)

anyways idk idk!! im so likeable irl which again sounds very egotistical but is literally true like im not afraid of confrontation or anything but im friendly and honest and ppl generally enjoy me being around which is something ive worked sooooo hard to make true and like. idk mutual in laws are people i see around and i like having little friends in my phone ! mils feel like classmates u see around but dont talk to much and the idea of that like. category (is that the right word..) of people not liking me is genuinely upsetting i literally dont have anyone in my entire school who doesnt like me or like. feels more negative abt me than positive or neutral (to my knowledge at least..)

like idk i feel like im going in circles and i genuinely am not super invested in this it isnt consuming my every waking thought or whatever its just frustrating and im a bit paranoid people are talking shit about me and like........ i am fine confronting issues people have with me like if theres a genuine issue pleeeeease talk to me abt it i would rather be confronted with an issue of mine out of nowhere then be blocked but most of the people who have me blocked probably have for things that arent objectively bad but annoy them like spam rbing or whatever (i dont think i spam the dash or mass rb from ppl but idk i might to some ppl) but i dont knowwww and its driving me off the walls <- will literally stop caring abt this in 5 minutes and it just thinking about it really hard rn and making my self feel worse by overthinking but also feeling better by talking it out instead of letting it fester

anyways sorry for the lack of read more im on mobile :( but like yeah im just talking it out ill feel better and more normal when i post this bc i just need to tell people things even if they dont matter just to have them out there and feel real or smn idk. i dont really get why it works but it does so yay ^-^

#this is so long helppppp um im kinda embarrassed abt it now lmao #long post #vent #<- kinda??? idk i just want ppl to be able to filter it if they dont wanna see it #.ares

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finaledenialist · 3 years

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Okay, your tags on The Empty Post have showed up in my notes and I have to ask. Tell me more. Tell me it all. All of the feelings and thoughts about that scene because what I’ve seen so far? Absolute perfection and I agree wholeheartedly.

Thank you! Okay I basically unloaded most of my thoughts in my tags here but let’s go through this one more time. I may add: this was already said a thousand times by better meta writers than me 3 years ago when season 13 was actually airing. And I will ramble a little about Purgatory, too. Now with that out of the way:

The Empty. Canonically it is a being, a living immortal being that rules the place or an ‘anti-place’ where angels and demons go are sent to when they die to dream of their regrets forever (this sounds awful and like a punishment for dying despite being immortal, for getting themselves killed or something). Also: the Empty was there before Creation, the Nothingness before Darkness and before Light.

Okay. But let’s see what other things the Empty represents: lack of anything. Complete nothingness that Cas got sucked into (by Lucifer but also by helping the Winchesters). Now we know that Cas‘I am afraid I might kill myself’tiel had his issues, right (I still can’t believe that we are praising 8x08 thee Hunteri Heroici for being a filler episode with Cas - which is awesome, don’t get me wrong - but we all keep forgetting what he actually did say to Dean there!!! Dean says: are you afraid the angels will kill you if you show up in Heaven? And Cas looks straight into his eyes and says: After all I’ve done, when I see Heaven, I am afraid I might kill myself).

Please remember that it’s not only Dean, Mr. ‘Purgatory was pure’. Cas, after all he did in season 6, after his death in s7, after coming back and being literally haunted by everything he’s done, must have felt that Purgatory was liberating, too. It was some kind of an Alternative Universe where he didn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. He was free of them. It was literally his escape AND additionally it was (well, according to good old christian lore, maybe not specifically spn lore) a place where you are supposed to atone for your sins so there must have been the feeling of atoning, of making things right without actually doing anything specific, where having to survive and not get eaten by the Leviathans was his main problem (= surviving was just enough, nothing was asked of him), which, compared to all he’s done, wasn’t that hard or difficult. He found himself running away from Leviathans which could mirror running away from consequences of his actions - but it was Purgatory, it was at the same time atoning for what he did. It was EASY.

Cas basically confirms that he officially stayed in Purgatory because he didn’t think he deserved to go back to Earth and that is true but what he doesn’t say is: ‘Purgatory was pure and easy and kill or be killed and no other worries than that, no thinking, no real responsibilities which actually was a nice escape from the real world after all I did and been through in the past 3 years’. He wanted out, he wanted an easy choice. Okay, maybe he wasn’t actively looking for an easy way out but when it presented itself - when they appeared in Purgatory - he took it like a gift. We’re talking about a character who spent all his life following orders, who finally broke free and found himself completely lost in the freedom of choices, directionless and maybe wanted an escape. He must have felt overwhelmed but all this freedom (which he basically confirms in 6x20 freedom is a length of rope and god wants you to hang yourself with it). I COMPLETELY understand that choice to escape.

So in seasons 8-12 Cas has a lot of stuff going on in his head, he gets lobotomized for most of season 8, he is hurt and tortured and treated like shit for most of season 9 and 10 and he ultimately gives himself up to Lucifer in s11 and then he almost dies in 12x12 and he never really got to talk about all of this or work this things out with anyone because Sam or Dean are not really the most talkative guys and Dean in 10x09 basically tells Cas to ‘let it go and not think about it’ which is a shitty advice to someone who suffers from some mental issues if I am being honest (this is like. ur depressed? oh go for a run and smile and stop being sad!!! kind of advice if you ask me). So these issues only grow and grow and start eating him up and please remember that at the very same time Cas is falling in love. I said it previously but I think the moment he realizes what he really feels is 12x12 when he is dying. In that moment he is able to name this feeling but it’s of course covered by: ‘I love you. I love all of you’.

Now in season 12 he finally gets a proper arc with Kelly (god bless her, honestly, she and Cas had one of the most healthy relationships ever portrayed on tv and it wasn’t even romantic, I could go off about this but it’s getting really long anyway). So he kind of is on his way to find a purpose again - Dean is saved (from hell, from Michael, from the Mark), so he focuses on Kelly and unborn Jack and maybe in his relationship with her he rediscovers love (not necessarily romantic but he sees how she loves Jack) and he does all he can to protect her from basically everyone including the Winchesters. And he promises he will take care of Jack and then. Then he is killed by Lucifer (shattered at the altar of Winchester because he gets involved in the Apocalypse World because of them while having built something for himself with Kelly and Jack BUT still not having properly processed all his previous trauma).

Okay, so fast forward: Cas is woken up by Jack in the Empty. He is of course confused and stuff (we still don’t know what was he dreaming about all this time he spent there now that we know this is a place where angels and demons dream about their mistakes and regrets <- fanfiction gap #1). He wakes up, he is ‘greeted’ by the Empty and one of the first things he says is that he has to go back because Sam and Dean need him.

This is his first, automatic thought - I (probably) don’t want to go back, but Sam and Dean need me so I have to, I don’t want to go back for myself because I never wanted to since Purgatory but I know I have to. He doesn’t even think about Jack in this moment. I... maybe it is a stretch but I sense a kind of fear in these words. It’s like he thinks: ‘if I had the chance to come back and chose not to come back from selfish reasons then if the Winchesters ever find out about this they will be angry at me’. But I might be reading too much into this, but on the other hand Jesus fucking Christ this is precisely what happened in Purgatory. He chose to stay although he had a chance to return and the effect was Dean being mad at him. Talk about trauma--

Then the Empty (who was in Cas’ mind) voices his biggest fears:

'I know who you love, I know what you fear. There is nothing for you back there. Wouldn't you rather be a fond memory than a constant festering disappointment?'

There is a lot to unpack here because this is the Empty’s (who, as stated at the beginning can be read as a manifestation of not only death but also Cas’ depression and self-worth issues) reaction to Cas saying that Sam and Dean need him. She says: uh oh you’re wrong<3 I know who you love, what you fear, the is nothing there for you, sweetie. Essentially: they don’t need you. No one needs you or wants you there. They are better off without you. Wouldn’t you rather be a fond memory (of actually being useful as in: saving Dean from hell, helping to stop the Apocalypse, helping to fight the Leviathans) than a disappointment (failing powers, makes mistake after a mistake, chooses to protect the unborn Antichrist rather than killing him before he’s born - and not to make this whole thing worse but this is what Dean has the audacity to say to Cas in 15x03: why if something goes wrong it always seem to be you).

I will now allow myself for some privacy, because I am a person who dealt with these kind of thoughts in my head for years, these are straight up suicidal thoughts: no one needs you, no one wants you, you are a disappointment and if you die you will be fondly remembered, everyone is better off without you. And we know Cas was suicidal because he literally tells us in 8x08 and we have no proof that he somehow got rid of these thoughts, ever. If anything, they were always there, present, if not growing. Thoughts like that don’t just disappear. Please remember one more time what was happening to Cas in seasons 8-11. He wasn’t healing. He was getting worse, while all this time managing to keep his head above water for someone else, while the guilt was rising and rising.

If the Empty represents all his issues: depression, suicidal thoughts, guilt, self-hate, lack of self-worth, and what she offers is: eternal sleep. Maybe not entirely peaceful sleep, but sleep nevertheless, no consequences, no facing your fears, no dealing with anything, an escape, sleep -

And she prompts him to stop fighting, to go back to sleep because there is nothing to fight for (now the symbolism of him being waken up by JACK who was his new found purpose just before he got killed), but she makes a mistake to confront his thoughts and fears with him. She makes a mistake of taking a ‘physical’ form, putting on his face and voice his fears. And Cas is a warrior and he kind of hates himself, so his instinct was to fight. Of course it was easier not to think about all of these stuff at all, to push it back, to try to forget. But once he was forced to face all of these? He fought back. AND HE WON!!!!!

WHAT A MESSAGE TO SEND RIGHT?!!! You might have all these issues and not want to face them because you feel you will crush under them but look: when you are forced to face them it turns out you are somehow way stronger than them!!! The moment you choose to fight you already won, you are already saved!!! Because ultimately these are your thoughts and this is your mind and you control it, no one else! The moment you decide, you choose, to take control: you win. You are saved because you chose to save yourself because you decided you are worth saving. And the Empty (and everything she represents) immediately gets angry and lets him go, ultimately annoyed because he dared to defy her and she just can’t win with someone who decides he wants to be free. WHAT. 👏🏻 A. 👏🏻 WONDERFUL. 👏🏻 MESSAGE. 👏🏻

So... Having said all that. There is only one thing left: I have NO IDEA. NO IDEA. HOW HE FOUND THE STRENGTH. TO STAND UP AND SAY THIS:

I'm already saved. You can prance and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I'm awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for... ever. For eternity.

A FUCKING ICON. STRONGEST CHARACTER EVER. YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER--

#ask #mutuals #cas #castiel meta #cas meta #the empty #long post #theselfhatingangelofthursday

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rainbowcarousels · 3 years

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I don't know how interesting this is going to be but I started to answer a comment on the latest JBSWM from @zanahoriabaila and realised I actually kind of want to talk more depth about the subject so I'm going to post it up here. Between talking a little about Genesis especially on twitter and briefly talking a couple of chapters ago about Sephiroth, it's kind of all been ruminating into something meta that borders on a directors commentary.

Again, how come your Genesis always spews all the stuff I think?

This is absolutely something I do with my version of Genesis on the regular and there's a few different reasons why he’s my character of choice for uncomfortable examinations of stuff.

Cut for discussion of fic, canon, trauma and interrelationships with everyone!

The first reason is the Eve symbolism that comes with Genesis as a character. There's a decent bit of it with Genesis (much like Aerith) when you consider his name, his limit break, his carrying around of the forbidden fruit and the look of the Goddess statue and in CC canon, he is the first person to tell Sephiroth about what Jenova is. As such, giving a lot of the harder hitting commentary to Genesis feels natural because he is good at weaponising knowledge.

It also makes more sense out of AGS to give it to him because of each of their interactions with how knowledge effects them. The revelation of the Jenova Project in general (I hope!) illustrated this pretty well in that Angeal takes in knowledge and then thinks about what he should say or do or feel about it and it impacts it greatly. Sephiroth takes in the knowledge and tries to analyse and categorise because exploring how he feels emotionally about something is really difficult for him and unless it's pertinent, he just doesn't address it in terms of how to feel about it. Genesis in contrast to both goes instantly to what he is feeling in the moment and it fuels his decisions and choices.

Angeal's issue comes when what he should feel and what he does feel are so at odds that he can't reasonably justify how he feels and he's been going through a lot of that since he doesn't want to think ill of his mother, he does not want to consider that his father might have lied to him and he absolutely does not want to think about Hollander at all. His sense of honour is wrapped up in family, in the idea that he pulled himself up to get where he is with hard work and determination and that he does make a positive difference and he's just...completely lost right now emotionally because he can't reconcile his feelings with what he thinks he should feel.

Sephiroth's comes when something is emotive and he can't pick it apart and make sense of it through physical and observable changes. I think this probably comes from spending his childhood as a lab specimen so he knows how to report things that are observable and that emotions are too subjective so he doesn't include them. Then getting thrust into war, he also learns to describe himself by a physical status report. Zack gives him one based on how he is physically because he knows this is how Sephiroth is. The problem for him and the reason he is as noted by the same comment so detached is because he just doesn't really process anything emotional in any significant way, which is why as noted in one of my much earlier chapters, he struggles with saying 'I love you' because it's pure emotion and he tries to show it in his own way instead.

Then you have Genesis who runs on his emotions and experiences like they're fuel. There's a throwaway line in Don't You Know My Name about how Genesis doesn't so much like or dislike things as he dismisses or obsesses over them and because of that, he has the nastiest tunnel vision and comes across as self centred. He likes to write his own narrative in a way that makes sense to him based on what information he has and how he feels about it. There's a line in the song from JBSWM's title song that says 'judgment made can never bend' and I think this is part of Genesis struggling more with Zack's inclusion into their relationship with Cloud because he formed his own opinions on Cloud and Zack is Angeal's little puppy he's been hearing about for years. It's hard to shift perspectives for him.

Zack and Cloud have their own relationships with truth and feelings but Gast is history for AGS. So onto Gast, because that the subject being discussed in the chapter. It's not something new, if I go by my own timeline, Genesis and Angeal have known since they were 15 about a decent chunk of what happened as Sephiroth's background and Angeal comes down hard on the 'respect what Sephiroth feels even if it's not entirely accurate because it's important to him' side and Genesis comes down on the 'This was bullshit and Sephiroth needs to know it was bullshit regardless of how attached he is to the memory of Gast because he needs to deal with it'.

Zack and Cloud are just forming their opinions and it'll happen over a few chapters, but Zack is far more emotion based but he also has rose coloured glasses and if there is an upside, he will find it. Cloud, growing up feeling angry and isolated and idolising Sephiroth, kind of has a similar way of coping as him in that he has this idea he can't be openly emotional or vulnerable because he'll get hurt but he also isn't about to pull any punches either. It should make for interesting interaction hopefully.

I think Sephiroth is more knowledgeable than he realises in that he quickly guesses from Genesis being willing to share that they are in the 'experimented on parents' club that this is colouring some of his interaction here. He backs down earlier when the subject comes up, not because he thinks he's wrong but he's not pushing that hard because as much as it comes from a place where he's sad and angry that this terrible thing happened to someone he loves, he can rationalise backing down because his feelings are second hand. Except now they're not. While Angeal and Sephiroth can look at their parents to some degree and assign some kind of blame (and Cloud can from being victimised), he can't because he doesn't know who his parents are or what the circumstances were but Gast was the head of the department when this crap went down so he is a prime target for someone to be furious at.

These guys spent their teenage years building coping mechanisms based on battlefield experience, it's probably not a surprise Sephiroth is practical and tries to funnel it into something productive, Angeal tries to find the honourable method of dealing with it in the way he's supposed to and Genesis just wants someone, anyone appropriate to unleash all of that emotion on. I'd also argue that Zack tries to apply it to being the best hero he can be even though he was doing a lot of pretty unhero-like things and Cloud was cannon fodder, it's no surprise his sense of worth is in the toilet and he can't really grasp the idea of being special.

Someone described JBSWM as five broken people trying to make each other whole and I don't think it's exactly right, but it is close. It's five people trying to figure out a way to live with a shit ton of trauma and a lot of it is trauma they're complicit in which is really difficult to work through given all time and resources let alone trying to deal with Shinra at the same time.

This kind of brings me back to why Genesis is often the pushing person in the relationship and why he's not always right to do it.

As horrible as the Project G revelations are, it's not the same as growing up in the way Sephiroth (and in some ways, Aerith) did and he has the coping mechanisms he has for good reasons. He needs to have this idea of Gast as this good person who tried to be good to him but died because the alternative is Gast wandered off the moment he wasn't as interesting anymore and left him (in JBSWM's timeline at around the age of 4) to try and survive it by himself. He's already lost this perfect idea of a mother by having the 'L' put there and all SOLDIERs having JENOVA on their files and he's kind of desperately clinging onto something good because he hasn't really thought about what a lot of it would look like to someone coming in now until Cloud started to ask about it and had enough first hand experience to know it was really messed up. He can justify it as Gast was the better scientist, the better man, the better influence for him but if you start taking that away, it puts him in the position of being victimised and abused and that's all there is and I don't think he knows how to even begin to process that. As @aimeelouart pointed out, if he thinks about it or talks about it with any perspective, he would have to acknowledge he is traumatised and a large part of his identity has been built on his own invincibility. How can he be traumatised if that’s so?

The flipside of it being that I don't think any of them understood fully in a conscious way what happened with Sephiroth’s childhood until they saw it up close and personal with Cloud and even if it's coming from Genesis (dude is loud), Angeal is also pissed off and furious that it's just as bad as they thought it might be but could never be sure because they've only ever seen the aftermath and he does not talk about it. Zack got it all in one, he heard about it and saw it and is trying to deal with that but for Genesis and Angeal, it's festered for a decade and since no one save for maybe Zack has ever met a single healthy coping mechanism, it goes out as Angeal being cautious and letting Sephiroth set his own pace and Genesis going no, this is important, you have to confront this because if it hurts them from just caring about him and realising how bad it was, if Sephiroth some day realises how awful it was, he's going to just...shatter or explode and they'll lose him and even if he struggles to express it sometimes, he does love him dearly and like with Cloud, he wants him to figure out what will make him happy and it doesn’t seem like he’ll feel happy until he can stop blocking out what he’s feeling on instinct as some leftover coping mechanism. Cloud having to deal with his own lab trauma just brings it to the forefront and Genesis is not wasting the opportunity.

The thing is I don't think he's wrong about it because I think Alien Demi-god Sephiroth and Sane Sephiroth are two sides of the exact same person. There's hints of it here and there, but I think one of the biggest ones is he's very possessive and it took Hojo crossing the line and almost killing Cloud when he was beginning to grow attached to him to get him to move out of his holding pattern. In a way, this can also be traced all the way back to Gast and the idea of his mother because it's this almost childlike view that when he's attached to someone, they leave and it hurts so the obvious answer is make it so they can't leave or in the case of canon, try to push them to come back. I genuinely do not think Jenova knew what they were getting themselves into with him because they were like 'hey I could be your mom' and got absolutely swallowed by someone who was hurting, desperate for connection and just So Fucking Done with all of it until his will overrode theirs and he was never, ever going to be alone again because the entire planet would be reborn as part of him.

Not the direction I'm going with JBSWM, they have some things they need to work on with each other but they are together and leaving Shinra was as close to a statement of commitment as you can get. With Midgar behind them and a chunk of their identity and dreams left with it, trying to face those uncomfortable truths will be hard for everyone and as much as Genesis puts it out there, he’ll struggle with his own too because if they have to deal with their shit, so does he.

#to say this got away from me is a gross understatement #i hope it makes a little sense #fic: just be still with me #fic related meta

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flying-elliska · 3 years

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The last few months I have been in a pretty intense "confronting my trauma" phase but that's - not easy. There are just, a lot of layers to it.

There's some pretty heavy complicated shit in my childhood that I'm starting to come to terms with that for a long time i never thought i could tell anyone. But silence and shame is how things start to fester and weigh on everything. And now I'm finally realizing that i shouldn't be the one to carry the shame of those things and that i shouldn't have to carry that stuff out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.

I have a complicated relationship with the part of me that was hurt - often I thought she was weak - but it's also the part of me that has an innate sense of boundaries, autonomy, right and wrong and that was yelling at me that there was something very wrong with some of this and acting out when I didn't listen, inconvenient and dysfunctional coping mechanisms that at the same time allowed me to preserve some sense of self. So I can't reconstruct without acknowledging and learning to respect and healing her.

A complication is that the trauma here is linked to abuse that was, for the most part, not physical - but tangled in a web of messy emotions, manipulation, neglect, good intentions, codependency, and unresolved trauma from previous generations. A lot of it is ambiguous and difficult to understand unless placed in context and fucked up in ways that only make sense when put all together. (Although some stuff is just fucked up no matter how you present it, tbh) So for a long time it was easy to feel like I was exaggerating or making it up for attention or as an excuse for my issues.

I got more clarity by reading a lot of stories of coming to terms with stories of trauma linked to childhood/family stuff, fictional or not, and how it can warp your worldview from the start, in ways that are difficult to grow past because often it feels you're building on nothing, on thin air - if not rotten roots.

A key thing is the idea of "legitimate trauma." When are you "allowed" to suffer, to be impacted, to be deeply and lastingly changed by what happened in inconvenient ways ? According to a lot of social narratives, never ; you either buckle up and let go or you're weak, destructive, and a nuisance. So I've tried to "just let go" for a while and it just lead to more problems. It was actually a form of self denial. And what's more, a core part of abuse is making you believe that your feelings and perceptions don't matter, are unjustified and invalid - no matter how bad it gets. So having a moment of "yeah this was really bad no wonder I'm messed up over it and angry and hurt" is very important. Sure "others had it worse" but I'm realizing a big part of coming to terms with trauma is letting go of the need for comparison and absolute evaluations - what matters is that it hurt me and it had an impact on me and I'm allowed to recognize that.

Still - this kind of dynamic turns your own character traits against you. For a long time I told myself that if I had been less sensitive and eager to please, less loyal and naive, less needy and wanting to feel special, more emotionally independent - like my sister, who grew up a lot less scarred - it would have been less easy for my mother to manipulate me into an unhealthy dynamic that deeply fucked me up. But fuck that ! Children are malleable and dependent on their parents by nature... It's not weakness of character ! My mother telling me she "saw and treated me like an adult" changes nothing about that. In fact the situation was shaped by her refusal to recognize the power differential between us ; putting the focus back on it is fundamental.

There are no easy villains in this narrative. I sway between feeling like my anger is pathological and thinking there has to be something wrong with me for still loving my mother so much. I have to allow myself to take my own side and be viciously angry at times ; and also hang on to my compassion and the knowledge that a lot of our family issues are rooted in social dynamics of sexism, ableism, classism and more. I have to uproot the belief systems and behaviors she passed on to me so I make sure I don't perpetuate any toxic shit while at the same time trusting my heart and the knowledge that there are some things I would never do, no matter what, that i am neither my mother or my father or anybody else. I have to look at events that I buried for a long time because they annihilated my ability to even think or assign meaning to them, because the idea that had happened was unbearable and I thought it would mean facing there was something terminally wrong with me - and finally trust myself to process them without betraying myself or letting them destroy me. It's a lot !!!!

#trauma #abuse tw #personal #mental health

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hajimes-erect-ahoge · 4 years

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Postmortem- Chapter 6

Kaito and Kokichi talk.

ao3

Ouma stared at the former astronaut standing in front of him, his mouth agape. What was Momota of all people doing at his door? And how did he even know to come to the emergency room?

“Hey.” Momota averted his gaze, one hand placed at the nape of his neck while the other rested awkwardly on the door. “Mind if I come in?”

Betraying a feeling of seriousness, his eyes drifted upwards to meet Ouma’s. Normally Momota would’ve darted his eyes away by now, but he held on firmly, searching for any hint of emotion on the other boy’s face. Ouma rolled his eyes and spun on his heel, heading back to his bed.

“Sure. Whatever.”

Ouma paused for a moment before continuing to his bed.

“As long as you promise not to kill me again.” He smirked, collapsing onto the bed. Ouma could only imagine the grimace on Momota’s face.

As much as he wanted to shoo him away, Ouma knew that there was no changing Momota’s mind when he was set on something, his stubbornness rivaling even his own. Fatigue dominating his brain, he reluctantly let the other boy enter the room. He promptly smothered his face into the pillow, trying to forget that Momota was even there or that this conversation was even happening.

Ouma knew where this was going; Momota was so easy to read and straightforward that such an encounter was to be expected. What Ouma didn’t expect, however, was for Momota to confront him in the emergency room, where he was supposed to be hidden away from the others. After momentarily being taken aback, Ouma composed himself and prepared himself for the unavoidable.

A brief silence flickered between them, save for the noise of Momota pulling over and seating himself in a chair besides Ouma’s bed.

“I’m sorry about what happened in the dining hall the other day. Maki Roll, she…” Another pause. “None of us thought that you would end up in here.”

Ouma shifted in his bed, laying on his side facing away from Momota.

Momota sighed at the lack of a response.

“Look, man. I know you don’t wanna talk about this kinda stuff with me, but…”

Propping himself up on one elbow, Ouma turned to partially face Momota.

“But what?”

While Momota seemed to be searching for the right words, Ouma took the time to analyze Momota’s facial expression and body language. He was seated in the chair with both legs apart, elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped together. Momota’s eyes were glued onto his hands, his expression pensive.

“I heard you screaming at the nurses the other day. That’s when one ‘em came out of your room and told me what was going on. I just...” He tapped his fingers together, his body itching for relief from the awkward feeling in the room. “I just can’t relax, knowin’ that you’re suffering cuz of the rest of us.”

“So you’re here because you pity me?” Ouma deadpanned. “Because you feel bad for the odd man out?” Ouma sat up, turning his body fully towards Momota. “Because you feel guilty for killing me?”

Bullseye.

Momota’s fierce gaze had returned, boring into Ouma’s soul, seeping into his skin and mixing into his veins. Seeing Momota so utterly furious at him ignited something within Ouma, an impish desire to taunt the other boy that he just couldn’t resist festering within him.

“I’m bein’ serious, Ouma!” Momota ran a hand through his hair, visibly frustrated. “You can’t just fucking kill yourself! This is the real world! You’ll be gone forever if you do something like that!”

“Yeah, that’s kinda the point, ya know?” Ouma chirped, elongating his words. “But don’t get me wrong, Momota-chan!” He brought a finger to his lips, smiling deviously. “You don’t really give two shits about me. You’re only here to help yourself get over the guilt of killing me during the simulation. How selfish.”

“You little-” Momota cut himself off with another sigh. “Listen. I just wanted to check up on you after seeing what happened. I know you don’t want to hear this from me but we would be seriously upset if something happened to you.”

Ouma snorted. “Oh, suuuure! Everyone cares if Gonta and Iruma-chan’s murderer decides to off himself. Man, I’m sure Harukawa-chan and the others would be just devastated!” He snickered to himself before continuing. “Just be honest with yourself, Momota-chan… If I were to kill myself you would feel guilty, and you can’t take living with that kind of blame. Not after what you did to me during the killing game.”

Momota just shook his head. “You’re wrong.”

“Whaaaat? So you wouldn’t feel guilty if I killed myself? Geez, you’re way more heartless than I-”

“I’m not talking about that!” Momota pounded his fists on his knees, furrowing his eyebrows in frustration. “I mean that you’re wrong about thinking of yourself as the villain! You were just as scared as the rest of us! All you were trying to do was end the killing game!”

Ouma clicked his tongue and smirked. “Silly Momota-chan… Don’t tell me you actually believe what I said to you in the hangar!” He giggled and looked up, expecting to see a Momota seething with anger and about to walk out the door. Instead, what he got was a pitiful expression, and god did he hate having that sympathetic look directed towards him.

He got it from the nurses who entered his room where he isolated himself, from Saihara and Akamatsu helping him to his feet in the dining hall after Harukawa threatened him, and now from freaking Momota. That stupid look that just screams “Poor Ouma… If only he had succeeded in fooling the mastermind… if only he hadn’t sacrificed himself so tragically for the sake of his plan… if only he wasn’t so weak and helpless.”

“Of course I believe what you said!” Overly optimistic Momota was back in full force, pounding his fists together with that determined smile plastered on his face. “Why else would I have cooperated with your plan?”

“Oh, I don’t know…” Ouma tapped his chin in mock thought. “Maybe because I blackmailed you using Harukawa-chan? Or was it because I knew that an idiot like you would believe such an obvious lie as me wanting to end the killing game?” Pfft, as if! I never wanted the killing game to end to begin with! I looooved-”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.”

Ouma just stared at him, dumbfounded.

“You do?”

“Of course I do! You’re too scared of being vulnerable or whatever so you cover it up with this whole ‘evil persona’ of yours… It’s pretty easy to see through you at this point, after… you know...”

“I told you, Momota-chan…” Ouma grit his teeth, resisting the urge to tear Momota into pieces. “I was lying! I never have two shits about ending the killing game!”

Momota sighed.

“Whatever… I’m not the person cut out for this. If I can’t get you to admit your true feelings then I’ll just have to rely on…” Momota paused for a second, deciding to retract his previous sentence. “Never mind. But I promise you!” He stood up, holding a fist to his chest. “I’ll take down that mask of yours sooner or later!”

Ouma shot him a disgusted look as he made his way towards the exit.

Momota placed one hand on the door before looking back at Ouma.

“Feel better, dude!” He flashed him a smile and a thumbs up before exiting the room and closing the door behind him.

…

And just like that, Kokichi Ouma was alone once again.

That damn Momota-chan… Thinking he can just come in here and try and get a read on me. Who the hell does he think he is?

Ouma laid down again, pulling the shitty hospital sheets over his head.

Surprisingly, he didn’t feel like crying. Rather, he just felt empty, like all the energy had been taken out of him. Maybe talking to Momota was just that emotionally taxing.

Of course stupid Momota just had to come in here and try to have a serious conversation with him and he just had to overhear him screaming at the nurses to just let him fucking kill himself. Knowing Momota, their whole class probably knew about the whole ordeal already, and was silently wishing that Ouma had succeeded in killing himself. No one wanted or needed him around anyway.

...Should he have told the truth back there? Maybe just say fuck it and tell Momota that yes, of course he wanted to end the fucking killing game just like everyone else, and then have Momota run along and tell his “sidekicks” about what happened only for Harukawa to dismiss it as yet another lie and for Saihara to…

…

Saihara.

Stupid old Shuichi Saihara.

How would he react?

Stupid Shuichi Saihara, who probably hates Ouma’s guts for what he did during the killing game.

Stupid Shuichi Saihara, who isn’t so stupid at all and carried everyone through every trial.

Stupid Shuichi Saihara and his stupid long eyelashes.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Maybe Momota was telling the truth. Maybe all the others really had forgiven him for his actions, including Saihara. Maybe Saihara and Ouma could become friends and bond over the killing game, and Ouma could gush about how he was proud of Saihara for ending the killing game, and then they could-

...As if. Momota-chan was definitely lying. There’s no way that Saihara-chan would ever forgive me, let alone want to be friends with me.

...Why do I even want to be friends with him anyway? It’s not like I like him or anything like that… Kokichi Ouma does not have crushes… especially not on handsome, smart detectives who play along with all of your games, and who bandage your hand after you accidentally cut yourself and who-

…

Yep. Definitely not a crush.

Ouma sighed, rolling over in his bed and willing himself to sleep, suddenly exhausted. It wasn’t long before sleep claimed him.

And in his dreams was Saihara, mercury eyes alight with passion as he cradled Ouma lovingly, whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

In this particular dream, like many others, Ouma has no fear of opening up to Saihara, as he already knows all there is to know about him. They simply coexist, souls mingling and dancing with one another.

Clutching onto the bed sheets, Ouma peacefully snored, dreaming about a world that wasn’t as far off as he thought it was.

#ITS FINALLY HERE #ahahahaha #danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #kokichi oma #kokichi ouma #shuichi saihara #kaito momota #maki harukawa #oumasai #saiouma #postmortem #my writing

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meganshinsou-tm · 4 years

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Crimson|Ink. (m)

↳ chapter seventeen: with ears to see and eyes to hear

❧ genre: tattoo-shop/hitmen au | tattoo artist/hitman kirishima

❧ fic warning: major character(s) death; happy ending

❧ chapter warnings: multiple panic attacks, confrontations, yelling, mild blood

❧ chapter song: With Ears to See and Eyes to Hear by Sleeping With Sirens

♬crimson|ink playlist | ♧ character profiles

[multi-chap masterlist] [previous chapter - next chapter]

Endless ripples formed in Sero’s mug as he sat at the lobby desk, his lean leg bouncing nervously and fingers drumming a pencil on the counter-top while he waited. He couldn’t tell anymore if the noise in his ears was the sound of his heart pumping blood to his veins at a faster rate than normal or if it was some sort of static from all the confused thoughts swimming around in his head causing too much racket. Whatever it was it hadn’t shut up since Todoroki told him and the others the shocking call he received and he wished it would. There was no way.

No fucking way.

A new noise rung in Sero’s skull now, the bell of the shop door went off, making him look up to see that familiar set of hair blowing in the wind and being drenched in snow flakes, those same (e/c) eyes crinkling in the corners as that sweet, no, innocent smile gleamed at him. You entered the shop, teeth chattering and hands rubbing your arms up and down to warm yourself.

“Morning handsome!” You chimed and went to turn the shop sign over to ‘open’.

Sero blinked and stood finally, clearing his throat and stopping you.

“Uh no need for that babe.”

“What?” You questioned him with a quirked brow.

Rubbing the side of his neck he waved his hand and grinned. “We’re closing the shop for the day, no big deal, we’re allowed to do that you know. Perks of the job!”

You looked from Sero to the sign still in your hand and chewed on the inside of your cheek before letting go of it. You shrugged your coat and wrapped it around you tighter before walking over to Sero, looking at him with question. Your eyes wandered around the shop and ears listened closely, from what you could tell, no one else was there but you and him.

“Is everything okay Ser?”

The male took a deep breath, head looking down to your hands now splayed out on the counter-top. His own reached for them, grabbing gently and holding them in his wide palms, feeling the coolness and softness of them. They were so small, gentle - innocent. They weren’t the hands of the person who did such a thing to his leader, no fucking way!

You repeated his name again, fingers wrapping around his hands. Sero looked up to you, that question growing even more in your expression. He put on his most convincing and chill smile, nodding slightly.

“Yes, yeah - everything is okay cutie. There’s just some stuff that’s come up, a little family emergency and we all decided to shut down for the day to deal with it.”

Sero looked down at his watch and saw the time. “In fact we should get going.”

“Go where? What kind of emergency Sero? Where is everyone, Ei, where is he, why didn’t I hear anything about this from him?”

From your tone Sero could tell that there was hesitation, confusion and even panic, starting to fester, it was in your eyes as well, you even started to try and back away slowly, looking like a mouse trapped and searching for a way out. He was doing a shit job right now at trying to keep the situation at a neutral level. Swallowing thickly, Sero squeezed your shoulder lightly before cupping your face.

“Hey chill for a bit okay. I know this is a little unexpected but I told you, it’s okay. He’s with everyone else, where we’re going, you’ll find out when we get there. No one is hurt or anything, I should’ve re-phrased that, not emergency, just a little misunderstanding that needs attention from everyone at the moment. Needs to be taken care of as soon as possible so we can get back to business.”

“It’s something to do with the shop?”

“Yeah in a sense. Look, we’re wasting time sweetheart, if you just come on then we’ll get it sorted it out soon. I’ll stop and get you breakfast on our way there if that’ll make you feel better.”

You looked at Sero, that hesitation still there, still growing. Your body cowered down a size, face turning and looking for a possible way out.

“I - I don’t know Ser, I have a hard time believing that everything is okay. This is weird and I can tell something is off. Fuck ... I want Kiri.”

Sero sighed and grabbed your face in his hands, making you look him in the eyes. The pools of black were pleading with you, his mouth carved into a straight line and brows furrowed. You were nervous and scared. He was nervous and scared. Nonetheless, he needed to get you to everyone else, he needed to let you tell your side and prove your innocence. Damn he needed this shit to be over already. All the secrets, from both sides.

“Look I know nothing I’m saying right now is convincing at all and it’s only making you even more weirded out but just - just trust me okay, I can’t really explain everything because this is a family matter, we all need to be together. If what I think is happening is true then there’s nothing to worry about sweetheart, just remember, we’re family and if you can trust us then we’ll trust you, okay?”

You blinked at Sero, his thumbs rubbing your cheek bones softly and trying to calm your nerves as his eyes were silently begging you. With a sigh, you gave up and hung your head low.

“I don’t think I really have a choice here,” you finally answered defeatedly.

After removing Sero’s hands from your face you went to lock the front door and started to make your way towards the other where everyone came in through and looked to your friend.

“Let’s go.”

After leaving the shop without another word, Sero did as he said he would and got you breakfast, you only opted for a small tea and muffin though, not even eating more than half of it on the drive. Your stomach was in a thousand and one knots, there was no way in hell you could focus on food. There was so much going through your head at the moment but at the same time it was blank.

You were quiet and staring down in your lap the whole time, Sero catching glances at you here and there and asking if you were okay. You’d never answer him.

More than anything you were longing for Kirishima.

Of course whatever the fuck was happening right now was weird but you really did trust Sero more than anything and probably anyone. You felt safe with him but with Kiri it was different, no matter what, there wasn’t any doubt in your mind and body at all if you were safe when he was around. Sero was like a protective force-field but Kirishima was like a impenetrable rock solid force-field times two! But for him to not have contacted you at all yet, just made the knot in your belly twist and turn that much more.

Something wasn’t right, something was very wrong.

Before you could ponder anymore, the ride suddenly went from smooth to rough. The truck bouncing lightly as it went from pavement to off-road. Looking up you verified that you were being taken down a back road, barely even noticeable unless you knew it was even there.

Red flag.

Your hands rested on and gripped your knees as you tried to search your surroundings more. There was nothing, nothing but trees and thick blankets of snow, no other roads in or out.

Major red flag.

Chewing on the inside of your cheek you tried to calm yourself, looking back down inside of the jeep and counting to yourself.

“Trust him, you trust him. You trust them! It’s nothing.”

You shook your head lightly and looked to Sero, he was focused on the rough road and terrain, eyes quickly flashing to you before looking back ahead. He nodded forward as his black eyes seemed to land on something of interest. Yours followed and your mouth went dry. In the middle of this blinding place was a lone steel warehouse.

Huge fucking red flag.

“Sero, forgive me if I sound a little irrational but, I’m getting Wrong Turn vibes here, maybe with a side of Hostel. Where the fuck are we, why are we so far out.”

Pulling up to the building, Sero parked between Kirishima’s truck and Bakugou’s own vehicle. There was a small sense of safety from seeing them but it still wasn’t enough yet. You slightly jumped when something squeezed your hand. Looking to your side, Sero was softly smiling and brushing his thumb along the top of your hand.

“I totally get those vibes at this place too but it grows on you after a while. This is our warehouse, we do a lot of our other business here. You don’t need to be scared (Y/N), just calm down and know that I’m right here and by your side, okay? I’m gonna be upfront with you, what you’re gonna walk into isn’t going to be pleasant, everyone's a little on edge right now, so just listen to us and be honest with us. Trust us.”

“You all trust me right?”

“I trust you sweetheart and I’ve got your back. They trust you too, I promise, it may seem rocky at some point but I fucking swear, we all trust you!”

You fought back emotions. Most definitely something was not fucking right!

With a nod and release of a breath you were holding in, Sero kissed your forehead and got out of the vehicle and made his way to your door. After he helped you out, your hand immediately grabbed his again, squeezing it for dear life as he held on and walked you to the massive sliding door. Sero knocked a few times and stated it was him before opening it, your body taking shelter behind his own and you walked in.

It was quiet except for the sound of radiators heating the place. You shivered and used your free hand to tighten the collar of your coat closer to your face. Everyone was in fact there, sitting around in different areas. Bakugou leaned against a workbench, Denki sitting on a bucket, Shouto and Deku both on a couch and Kirishima on a stool. Some of them looked at you but your eyes focused on the redhead. His arms were crossed, a foot propped up on the bottom bar of the stool and his own eyes looking at you.

There wasn’t happiness, nothing of the sort, upon seeing you.

You didn’t know what exactly was in his red eyes or if there was truly anything at all. He looked down at the ground and your heart followed. Hand still holding Sero’s it squeezed and started to tremble. The male looked at you and frowned. Before he could do anything, Shouto was standing from his seat and walking over, so far the only one greeting you as he pat your head softly.

He’s speaking but you aren’t listening, still looking at Kirishima over Shouto’s shoulder and trying to piece together what the fuck is wrong for everyone to be acting like this, for him to be acting like this. Little by little, even if Sero was keeping you grounded by not letting go of your hand, you felt like you were alone.

“(Y/N),” Shouto spoke.

Your eyes blinked and looked at him, expression totally blank, “I’m sorry - what did you say?”

The bi-colored man smiled warmly at you, his hand brushing your cheek before falling to the small of your back and leading you, along with Sero, to the center of the group of men.

“I know this is probably the last thing you were expecting this morning but something very important has come up and it involves everyone here, even you, and we all just want to get answers. I trust you’ll be truthful with us and we will be too and if at any point you feel like this is taking a turn then let us know.”

Brows furrowing you looked at Shouto then to Sero, next you looked around the area to everyone else, all of them only sparing you a short glance, each one feeling like a sharp stab. Your lips parted, wanting to say something but going mute. You couldn’t distinguish if you were upset, mad, confused, hurt, so many emotions were running rampant in you and causing you to malfunction.

Why was no one looking at you or saying anything, why was that spiky haired bastard just looking at the fucking floor and why - why was this starting to feel like an interrogation?

“Guys please tell me what’s going on. Something isn’t right, I-I can tell ... none of you will fucking look at me, did I do something? D-Did I fuck up at the shop, what?”

You questioned, trying to keep a strong voice but feeling it becoming frail.

“Tell me something first, what does family mean to you exactly huh? That tattoo you got, what does that mean little one?”

Kirishima finally spoke, his last word seething with animosity.

You were shocked to say the least, but you shouldn’t be right?

This wasn’t the first time Kirishima spoke to you like you were some bug he wanted squashed, old habits die hard? Maybe this tension is making that jackass resurface and you just need to shoo him away. This wasn’t your Eijirou. He was trying to shake you down for some reason but still you answered him, hoping it would calm everyone.

“Uh - family isn’t a very familiar concept with me, you all probably know that, especially you Ei. In the past few months though I’ve started to learn more about it. Just from being with all of you I think family, at least to me, means to be with people who love and accept you without any conditions, people who have your back and would jump into the fire for you if it meant keeping you safe. Unconditional and true love, safe love. Family means being able to finally fucking breathe.”

You paused to steady your quickening heart rate, taking a moment to see if anyone is even listening and sure enough, all eyes are on you. Denki, Bakugou and Sero having softer expressions than the others but you can feel the thick tension thinning out. Licking your lips and rubbing your neck, you continued and touch the space of your oni mask.

“This tattoo, means that I’ve found family, I’ve found everything I’ve ever needed and that you all love me, accept me and most of all - trust me.”

Denki looks to Sero and they both smile, catching your eye and you feel a tiny wave of relief knowing you have someone else in your corner now. Bakugou grunts and shrugs his shoulders, glaring over at Kirishima with an annoyed expression.

“Alright asshole, she answered your question and passed with flying colors. Now can we get to the fucking point and be done with this bullshit?”

“What point? I still don’t know what the fuck is going on here guys, can someone at least tell me why I’m here - anything please!”

A growl comes from Kirishima, making you glare at him. He moves and digs his wallet out from the back pocket of his jeans, digging around in it before removing a small piece of card-stock and blatantly flicking it at you, causing it to pelt your chest.

“That’s why. You know who that is?”

You gasped with shock from his action and immediately Denki and Sero are on their feet, fists clenched as you stared back at Kirishima before grabbing what turns out to be a picture and examined it.

“Dude, are you fucking serious right now?” The blonde chides.

“Don’t make me kick your ass Eijirou,” Sero warned, only making Kiri roll his eyes.

The small photo is of Eijirou and Yagi Toshinori, the man who also was a part of their family and shop. You didn’t know too much about him, just who he was to the guys and that he had died in an accident. The man being brought up now only made things blurrier to you.

“That’s you and Yagi right?” You finally answered, causing the three men to shut up and pay attention.

“Yeah but do you know him - personally?” Kirishima asked.

“No, I don’t, I’ve never seen this man in my life!”

“You sure about that?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, why would I lie about that? Why am I the only one on the stand right now huh? No one is answering me, what does he have to do with any of this, what do I have to do with any of this?”

You retort and flick the picture back at Kirishima, becoming more fed up with his accusing tone, slowly starting to make your way to the red-head.

Of all people, Deku finally speaks with a sigh, putting up his hand in defense as he comes between you and Kirishima.

“Since you know who he is from the picture, I assume Kiri and the others told you who he is right, what happened to him.”

You nod, quickly agreeing with Izuku, saying that he died in a accident. Deku nods with a twinged expression.

“Yes, he did die, but his cause of death wasn’t actually by accident.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that but I still don’t get what this has to do with me Deku. I’m in the dark here.”

The sound of Shouto scraping his booted toe across the concrete floor catches your ear and makes you look to him. He runs a hand through his hair before addressing you.

“Yagi was murdered (Y/N) and unfortunately we have reason to suspect that you were involved in some way.”

Things go silent, a deafening silent, as you looked around to your now accusers. You don’t know whether to scoff and laugh, to think if this is a joke or not. By everyone’s look though apparently it’s not a joke at all. For some reason you’re growing numb, mind reeling as sound finally invades your canals and you blink at Kirishima who is staring at you. His jaw tight and fists clenched.

“I-I’m sorry what? Guys I don’t know this man, how would I - how could I? The f-fuck -” you croak and take a step back, stumbling before falling to your knees on the floor, arms trembling and trying to hold yourself up. “Suspect m-me? So, you think I did something like that?”

Denki shakes his head, hands waving defensively as he quickly comes to your side and cautiously rubs your back.

“Well n-not exactly but something isn’t right here babe, you see we got a tip from someone who was very adamant that you did, that you’re not what we think you are.”

In a flash you were shrugging Denki’s hand away, pulling back from him and staring into his eyes with disbelief.

“A tip? What is this fucking Most Wanted or some shit? Denki you know me -,” you looked away from him and chewed on your lip, tears welling up before you focus on Sero and Bakugou and shake your head. “You fucking know me you asswipes! After everything I told you, could you even imagine me doing such a thing? I couldn’t even fucking save myself and you think I could kill someone - you think I could be .. that I could f-fucking be like him?”

Deku and Shouto look at each other, both wondering what you were talking about - they were the only two still left in the dark about your past. Bakugou grunted, his eyes softening as your breaking voice hits him, that one night coming back to him like a fucking train and he sees the tears starting to fall from your eyes. He curses under his breath and moves to go for you but Kirishima holds a hardened arm out to stop him, making Bakugou growl in response.

“Then how come your name was given huh?” Kiri asked with desperation. “Even if you didn’t do it, y-you’re involved somehow, if you know who did it then why are you protecting them huh? That’s just as bad - just fucking tell us what you know, that’s it!”

Bakugou scowled at Kirishima, his palm grabbing his forearm and setting off controlled explosions to try and remove him from his path. Kirishima elbowed him in retaliation before demanding you stop fucking around and answer him. Deku watched closely, his own firsts clenching and green electricity crackling around them, the sound of ice forming comes from Shouto as he also prepared to take down their emotional friend.

You don’t focus on anyone else but Eijirou who is slowly coming undone before your eyes, there’s betrayal all over his face, confusion and fear.

“Eijirou,” you finally reply with in a broken sob.

Your head hung low, fingers digging into the cold concrete beneath them hard enough to start splitting your nails before you look back up at him and plead your case.

“I’m just as fucking lost as you are but I told you I don’t know the man! I’ve never seen him! I’ve never lied to you, to any of you and I swear on my own shitty life that I’m telling you the truth! You know what I’ve been through, you all fucking know, how could I take someone’s life when I could barely even fucking save my own? And how could you even think ... how c-could you think so poorly of me.”

All the men went silent as you sat there on the floor and started to fold in on yourself, the warehouse ringing with your sobs and gasps for air in between. Denki quickly goes to comfort you but you yell at him to back off, making him wince as he pulls back. Deku also winced, his fists clenching and biting back a whimper, heart breaking at the clear betrayal heard in your voice.

Kirishima blinks, the sounds of you in so much pain making him snap out of his irrational mindset. Shaking his head, he tried to move towards you but Sero quickly stopped him with a glare that made his blood run cold and is soon on his knees before you, hands up and voice soft.

“(Y/N), please.”

“You s-said you trusted me, that you a-all trusted me …” you stuttered and tried to back away as Sero grabbed for you.

With all your might you try to fight him off, his hands gripping your forearms, trying to calm you down but at the same time letting you fight him. Finally Denki wrapped his arms around your waist from behind, resting his cheek to your back and shushing you, immediately you fell forward into Sero’s arms, giving up the fight and crying harder than you ever have.

“You k-know me ... I couldn’t, I’d n-never … I c-couldn’t save myself, I couldn’t save him.”

Denki shakes his head, his own tears soaking into your coat while Sero pet your hair and held you close. Kirishima pressed forward though and Bakugou pulled him back by the shirt.

“Couldn’t save who?” Kiri asks, voice cracking with desperation.

“Give it a rest man! Can’t you see she’s having a fucking mental breakdown right now and you still want to push her? What kind of shitty boyfriend are you huh?”

Denki scolded as he lifted his head, teeth bared.

The words stung Kirishima as he watched his friends, your friends, consoling you before his eyes. What he should be doing. What was his fucking problem? He didn’t mean to come at you so hard, so accusing, his emotions were just getting the better of him and he was scared and so fucking confused!

Meanwhile Bakugou was watching, listening as you mentioned not being able to save him, assuming it’s the man you told him about after staying with him that night. Turning on his feet, Bakugou went to Deku.

“Do you have any other pictures of Yagi? Of him looking like shit?”

Deku nodded and took out his phone, finding his pictures and scrolling till he comes to one that Bakugou would be satisfied with.

“Like this?”

The blonde nodded, eyes widening and snatched the device from his hand before walking over to you and the others still on the floor. Sero turned to look at Bakugou and figure out what he’s doing, Bakugou doesn’t speak for a moment and takes time to pat your head, letting his fingers run through your hair until your own face turns to look at him. Cheeks stained with tears, your eyes red and devoid of their usual light. His own heart broke, seeing you like this yet again is fucking him up, he wanted to do everything to put a end to this now and end your suffering most of all, so he took a deep breath and put on a friendly smile.

“Hey princess, ignore that fuckwad over there for a minute okay. I know this looks like we’re cornering you or some shit but we just need to get the facts straight. I think I stand for everyone when I say we’re confused and just a little fucking scared alright? You don’t know the call we got, the image we saw and most of all to have you dragged into this - that’s the last fucking thing we want.”

His hand moved to cup your fleshy cheek, thumb smushing it inwards and making him smile.

“Our main concern is you and the danger of this situation, trust me when I say we truly are all on your side, call us biased if you want but even we have a hard fucking time believing this and yes I mean all of us. Just take a deep breath okay, I know you’re getting tired of being questioned like some fucking suspect but just hang on a little bit, you can do that, I didn’t raise no bitch right?”

“You’re so fucking stupid,” you choke out with a pathetic smile. Sero and Denki chuckling as well.

“Hey it got you to smile though, I needed to ease the fucking tension here, shit!” Bakugou ruffled your hair and looked to the phone in his hand. “I’m gonna show you a different picture of Yagi and maybe this will start to clear things up. Will you give it a shot?”

You sniffled and wiped your nose, Sero smirking and suggesting to just use his shirt as your tissue. After taking a few breaths you looked to Bakugou and nodded. He nods back and turns the screen for you to see. You’re paralyzed immediately, skin going pale and cold as you laid your eyes on the picture. Turning to look at Sero, your brows furrowed.

“Is that really him?”

Sero nodded, looking at the picture then back at you.

“Yeah sweetheart, that’s Yagi. Something happened to him years ago that caused his quirk to be busted and it always took a lot out of him to keep up that buff ass form of his, so around us, that’s who he was.”

You looked back at the picture, the skeletal man had the same tattoos, same blackened eyes with dots of blue in them and most of all the same smile. Your face softened, hand reaching out to touch the screen, to touch the ghost of your past, the man that saved your life.

“That - that’s him. The man that saved me back then, that’s the same tattoos. That’s really Yagi?”

The three men around you nodded and hummed in agreement, making you faintly smile as you remembered the man again. There was a sense of relief in finally being able to put a name to his face, it made him that much more real for you and brought about a form of closure. You blinked and looked at your friends, then around them to the other three and all at once there was guilt again. This man belonged to them before he ever met you, he was loved by them and by some fucked up twist of fate you crossed paths with him and that path took him from his family.

Your mouth went dry as you looked at the picture again and frowned, teeth pulling at your bottom lip as your head shook.

“I didn’t know ... I’m so sorry. If - if he had never met me, if he would’ve just left me there and saved himself, none of this would’ve happened. God I’m so sorry guys, I wish I could go back -”

“And what, fucking die?”

Bakugou cut in, his red eyes zeroing in on you as they looked back at him.

“Yagi wouldn’t have allowed that shit by no means. That idiot knew what he was doing and he’d do it all over again - if we were in his shoes, you bet your ass we would too! The important thing is you’re alive and he went out in a fucking blaze of glory doing what he does best! Don’t ever think for once that it was your fault and don’t you dare fucking think that we blame you! There are some other things here that we all need to discuss for this to make more sense to you but at the moment I think we have the answers we needed from the start!”

Bakugou turned to look at Kirishima then Shouto and Deku before turning his eyes back to you. You went to speak again but he only shook his head, fingers pinching your chin as he stood back to his feet and ruffled your hair again and turned to go join the others. Sero rubbed your back once more, placing a kiss to the top of your head and he looked at Denki.

“I’m gonna go help him explain to the others,” he spoke before gently handing you off to Denki, “Take care of her for a bit, get her some water too.”

Denki nodded in response, his arms wrapping around your body as you clung to him. He stood from the ground holding you close like a child and turned to go and find you something to drink, leaving the others to talk among themselves. Kirishima watched the two of you closely, his heart aching to go comfort you himself. Bakugou cleared his throat, making the others give him their full attention as he handed Deku’s phone back to him.

“This is a fucking set up, that asshole is framing her.”

Deku is the first to ask what he means and along with Sero, Bakugou explains the story you had told them. Kirishima, Deku and Shouto listen closely, finally getting the whole story once and for all.

“He was in his weaker state when she met him, that’s why she didn’t recognize him in the other picture. He’s the one that got her out of there and saved her from that fucked up ex of hers, the ex that I’m guessing called you, right?”

Shouto nodded.

Sero crossed his arms and looked back to see you still wrapped around Denki, head on his chest as he held you and talked.

“She didn’t mention anything about his tattoos, but maybe she wanted to keep his anonymity for him to be safe. That guy, her ex, he’s a fucking monster and it makes sense why she wouldn’t give those details about him. She thinks the only way she can keep anyone safe is by keeping all of this to herself. Even when she told all of us the story, that was her reasoning for not revealing his name, she said it was the only thing she could do.”

By now the tension in the air is gone, all the guys are on the same page and know the whole story. Still it doesn’t do anything to help with the guilt they all start to harbor. None of them truly ever doubted you, it was just that the entire situation was a difficult subject and it was confusing.

It came out of nowhere and threw them all off guard to have you all of a sudden associated with the death of their leader, but everything made sense and now the only thing that mattered was making sure you stayed safe. Shouto remembered the blatant threat Dabi made, once he found out that they weren’t going to do his dirty work, that they trusted you and knew the truth, then he would come for you.

“Still she knows who killed him, it’s her ex and it doesn’t make it any better that she’s protecting that bastard!” Kirishima sighed.

Suddenly there was an explosion going off in his face, making him stumble back and glare at the palm before his eyes and the blonde that stood behind it.

“Do you even fucking hear yourself right now? That monster is fucking batshit crazy, he tried to kill her for no fucking reason, you think her going around and telling people the shit he did won’t piss him off even more? Do you not get that in the time she’s been with us he’s probably been looking for her and guess what idiot - he fucking found her! This call is just a warning and he’ll be coming for her any day now, has that penetrated through your thick fucking skull yet?”

Kirishima went pale all over, paralyzed on the spot as he looked to Shouto.

“What is he talking about?”

Shouto gave Kirishima a sympathetic look and nodded, his expression cool and collected as it had been the entire time. It was starting to piss Kiri off, how his friend could be so level headed in a time like this, how he could act like this isn’t damning news in the least. Kirishima bared his teeth as he stalked towards the two-toned male, his hand grabbing Shouto by the collar and pulling him close.

“Answer me now!”

“He’s the one that called Kirishima,” Shouto answered, his eyes looking back at his friend calmly, “He said so himself that she is his ex and she ran away from him. Having the whole story now, I believe Bakugou is right that he is framing her, thinking that we would lose our heads about it and ‘get our revenge’ on her.”

Shouto grabbed Kirishima by the wrist, easily unhanding himself from the man and straightening his clothes before continuing.

“From his call it appears that he does in fact know where she is now, he even said that he’d be watching to see what we did with his information. Most of all, he wants her dead Kirishima and he made it very clear that if it wasn’t done by us then it would be done by him.”

Deku groaned and ran his hands over his face and through the thick green hair on his head, gripping onto the locks as he looked over to you and Denki.

“What a small fucking world huh? This is so fucked up! We have to keep her safe, we’re going to keep her safe, right?”

Without hesitation the group of men nodded, Sero patting Deku’s shoulder reassuringly.

“I know we all can agree that he is probably the one that killed Yagi and is trying to frame her for it since she is now so close to us but she still has yet to actually tell us that he did. I’m just as concerned about her and her safety as much as you are Kirishima but being the leader of this group, I still have to keep my head on straight. I don’t let my emotions get the best of me like you do because the calls I make not only affect me but everyone else involved here and before I can get equally pissed off and be blood thirsty for that asshole’s life just like you, I still need the verification that is in fact him that killed Yagi. You know I won’t proceed with ending someone’s life, no matter the circumstances and who is involved, until we have all the facts.”

“Then I’ll get that fucking fact for you right now! I’m not going to have that fucker live another second and take her from me!”

Before any of the men could calm Kirishima, he was already pushing past them and walking over to you and Denki on the couch. The yellow-haired male looked to see his friend coming in hot and only clung to you tighter like a bear protecting its cub.

“What the fuck do you want man?”

Kirishima ignored him and crouched down to see you clearly. You looked back at him and he couldn’t help the empathetic look that came across his face. There was no easy way to say it, that you looked like total shit and he knew it was all his fault. He brought a hand up slowly, inching towards your own that was resting on Denk’s arm. The closer he got you still didn’t pull away or give off that you were going to. Finally he made contact with your hand, you allowing him to take it and hold it in his own.

“Little one, look - this is all a major fucking misunderstanding and I know it doesn’t excuse how I acted, I promise if you give me a chance we’ll talk about it but right now you have to tell me - did that bastard do this?”

You sighed and blinked at him, Kiri already knowing what your answer would be.

“Ei I’m sorry but ... I-I can’t tell you that, you know that!”

“Yes you can and you will! I’m not going to ask you again, now tell me, please!”

Your hand pulled out of Kirishima’s, it was tightening more and more around yours and starting to become painful, your brows furrowed at him as you sat up and refused to back down.

“Eijirou, I told you I can’t!”

That was it. It was the last straw for Kirishima.

His fists both hardened before he slammed them down to the concrete below him, his quirk releasing in his face and causing sharp edges to emerge as his teeth bared and he broke.

“Why the fuck not huh?”

Everyone of you winced at the display, Denki clutching you closer and pulling away from Kirishima as the others quickly emerged behind him, all ready to take him down if needed. You whimpered, trembling in his hold as you looked at Kirishima with tears in your eyes, retaliating with your own yells.

“Because he’ll kill you you fucking idiot! He’ll kill every single one of you if he finds out I said anything and he’ll make me watch! You already know too much,” your voice broke from the sheer volume and power behind it as you cried out.

You removed the arms from around you and pulled away from Denki, stumbling to stand on your own feet and trying to walk back away from all the colorful and worried eyes looking back at you.

“I shouldn’t even be here, I’m only fucking everything up and putting you in danger, I can’t - I can’t be here.”

As you went to walk away Denki jumped up from the couch, turning to Kirishima and flaring up with currents of electricity before landing a solid kick to his chest and causing Kiri to fall back on his ass, releasing his own quirk.

“I know I didn’t win last time but I fucking swear I’ll kick your ass up and down this warehouse today if I have to!”

Before Kirishima could lunge for Denki, the sound of items crashing caught them both of guard, along with the others, they all looked to see you on the floor, bleeding from a gash in your thigh. Immediately Kirishima was pushing Denki down and running towards you, his heart feeling like it would explode out of his chest at any minute. You sat there on the ground, trying to wipe the blood from the wound and holding up a red hand to stop Kiri when he tried to come closer on his hands and knees before you.

“No, get away, I’m fine I just - bumped into the table and got cut by that shitty nail sticking out. I-I’m fine.”

Kiri reached out only for you to slap his hand away.

“Baby please,” he breathed out, strained, “you’re f-fucking bleeding, just let me look at it!”

“I said no Eijirou! Just l-let me leave, please. You should’ve stayed hating me.”

Shaking his head, Kirishima reached out again, not caring that you kept trying to push him away with bloody hands that stained his own skin. Your eyes connected and he could tell that you were just as scared as him. Continuously and gently he’d shush at your cries to get away, his hands finally grabbing hold of your forearms as you tried to squirm in his hold. His own red eyes were starting to prick in the corners with tears as he witnessed you so broken down, letting you try and fail to kick and fight him until finally you exhausted yourself with dry sobs and fell into his chest.

Wasting no time, Kirishima pulled you close, his arms protectively wrapping around you and hand petting your head as he spewed repetitive apologies. Your body shook in his hold, breaking his own heart piece by piece as he cried quietly with you. Watching on, all the other guys took their own time to let their emotions finally surface, sniffles being heard here and there, hands patting backs and squeezing shoulders with reassuring nods and glances to each other.

“Little one, I’ve told you time and time again that I never hated you and I never will. Even I can’t begin to grasp how fucking much I love you. Just hear me out here and let me explain. I know everything I’ve done, in the beginning and today, it doesn’t deserve your forgiveness or kindness, I above all don’t fucking deserve you! I swear on my life though, despite how I acted, not once did I think you could do such a thing, I was just scared and confused and I wanted answers. My emotions just get the best of me and I act out on them, I’m used to having to put fear into people to get my answers and I forget that it doesn’t work like that with others, especially you.”

Kirishima paused to take a breath, to shake his head and press his forehead to yours.

“I shouldn’t have been here pointing a finger because I didn’t know a fucking thing, I should’ve kept my cool and talked to you civilly. I shouldn’t have lost my shit like I did just now but I just want to protect you, that’s all I’ve ever wanted! To keep you safe and with me. The thought of anyone, of him, taking you from me and me never seeing you again - fuck, it scares the shit out of me. Baby ... I can’t let that happen, I won’t let that happen. I-I can’t let you leave, please, just stay here with me. Let me - let us keep you safe ... don’t fucking l-leave me. I’m so sorry, for everything and I’ll-I’ll make it up for the rest of our lives just please s-stay here.”

Your hands clung to the fabric of Kirishima’s shirt, tears drenching the front of it and you hugged him closer. The sound of his heart pounding away inside of his chest rung in your ear, along with his subtle cries. Finally you looked up to him, seeing his already red eyes now red with tears. Your hand came up and wiped away the droplets before cupping his sharp jaw and softly brushing his cheek. Kiri leaned into your touch, letting out a shaking breath.

“I should be apologizing Eijirou, to all of you. I should’ve tried harder to save him. If I had known I would’ve said something, I really mean it. You don’t have to apologize to me, none of you do. You’ve lost someone dear and tragically, I don’t blame you for getting defensive and reacting how you did. If I were in your shoes, I can’t say how I would’ve acted. It’s just as you said, as everyone else said, we’re all scared and confused, that’s it. Fear makes you become irrational at times, I know that more than anyone. I mistook my own fear for love. I want to go, I really do, to save all of you since I couldn’t save him but. .. I’ve already run too far and I feel like he’s found me now and I’m terrified.”

“We’ll protect you,” Shouto spoke as he walked up with first aid supplies in hand. “Always have and always will.”

Next, Deku was making his way to you as well with a warm rag and soft smile on his freckled face, handing it off to Kiri. The red-head took it and started to gently clean your face full of tears while Shouto and Deku worked on patching up your leg. The nail ripped a decent sized hole in your jeans, revealing not only the wound but the burned flesh beneath it. Shouto examined it closely before blinking and asking Deku to grab his phone from beside him and to pull up that morbid picture of Yagi’s deceased body.

Once Deku did as asked, Shouto looked closely at the picture, there happened to be the same type of burns covering his own body as well. Denki, Sero and Bakugou join to hover around your group on the floor now, all reassuring you that things got out of hand and were misconstrued. You let Shouto finish his task of cleaning the wound before healing it yourself and taking the rag from Kiri to wipe your hands clean from the dried blood.

“I don’t want to brag or anything but I believed you from the very beginning, just saying,” Denki gloated with a charming smile and shrug of his shoulders before Bakugou was taking him under his arm and roughly rubbing his head.

You chuckled and sigh.

“No guys really, I get it, I would’ve freaked too. But - you did kind of just drag me out here in the middle of BFE with zero context clues.”

“Hey I was just doing what they told me to do, I wanted to tell you everything but I had rules. I’m sorry babe.” Sero held up his hands in defense with a smile.

“I’m still just amazed at the coincidence that you came to our shop of all places. Like that’s fucking fate right?”

Denki spoke as he pushed Bakugou off of him and fixed his now messy hair.

“It is crazy. I just wanted to make him happy you know, he said to get a tattoo and live my life like I should, so I figured it was the least I could do. Once I got settled somewhere with Toshi’s help, I just Google’d shops in the area and you guys looked much better than those other trap looking shops. I wanted a tattoo, not tetanus.” You replied and smiled, lightening the mood and making everyone have a small laugh.

However Kirishima was still pretty silent. Still holding you in his lap, his hand brushed your hair back as you looked to him and poked his cheek upwards to get a smile. Taking your hand in his, he looked into your eyes and smirked while shaking his head.

“Why - why do you still smile like that? After everything that’s happened, what you’ve been through, what I’ve put you through ... why do you still smile at me?”

You sighed and sat up straighter, leaning closer and placing a kiss to Kirishima’s cheek.

“Because Yagi told me I have a beautiful smile and should wear it proudly and that it tricks the fear inside of you.”

All the men smiled and shook their heads, huffing and puffing, some snorting.

“Of course he’d say some cheesy shit like that before kicking the bucket.” Bakugou chortled and pat the top of Kirishima’s head.

One by one, everyone agreed and started to disperse from the group, Shouto being the last. With a sigh, he got your attention, his eyes looking to the skin of your thigh before up at you.

“The person who did that to you, did they kill Yagi?”

Blinking at him, your hand squeezed around Kirishima’s, his free one came up to rub your back, slowly working away the nerves that were starting to build up again. Turning to look at him you swallowed nervously, eyes asking him what you should do. Kiri only smiled and kissed your cheek, pressing his own to it and talking quietly in your ear.

“It’s up to you little one, no matter what though, you’re safe with us. We’ll protect you, I promise. A simple yes or no will suffice, trust me.”

You mulled over his words for a few seconds before looking back to Shouto. He waited patiently for your answer, something in his eyes letting you know that he already knew the answer himself. This may have been the only chance you had to put this information into good hands without having to directly give that cursed name and giving you a safe way to finally tell the truth. Taking a deep breath you blinked and nodded at Shouto.

“Thank you, that’s all I needed to know.” He replied before standing to his feet.

Kirishima went to do the same, Shouto reaching out a hand and helping you get up as well. His hand moved to cup the side of your neck as he leaned over and kissed the top of your head.

“(Y/N) I just want to apologize for how things happened today, they could’ve went smoother and I hope you can forgive us for the misunderstanding.”

Your head shook at him, hand waving off his apology with a smile.

“It’s no problem Shouto, really. I understand and now we all have some closure here, I just hope we can get back to normal.”

“Of course we will,” Shouto smiled and looked at Kiri and around the room at the others, catching their attention before he glanced back to you. “I assume you’re wondering what all this is truly about, the ‘tip’ we got. I think it’s about time we told you our own secret.”

Your eyebrow quirked at him before Kirishima cleared his throat, causing you to turn and look at him. He pulled you into his side, wrapping around you before he spoke to his friends.

“I uh - I was actually wanting to tell her on my own, maybe at home after she gets some food in her system and is in a much more comfortable setting. This is something I need to do myself, please if that’s okay with all of you.”

Your arms wrapped around his waist, cheek pressing to his side as you stayed silent and listened on, the rest of the group agreeing. Bakugou stood from his seat, stretching and smirking as he walked over and lightly nudged Kirishima’s shoulder.

“Do what you gotta do Red, just keep your eyes open. One of us will follow you two and make sure you get there safely and scope out the place too before we head off and it’s not a fucking suggestion.”

Kirishima smiled and nodded, agreeing with his friend.

The blonde himself decided he’d be the one to follow the two of you home, Deku suggesting he tag along as well. Before leaving, you went around to the others, hugging them tight and saying your goodbyes for the evening before heading out of the warehouse and to Kiri’s truck. The red-head helped you up and into the vehicle, grabbing his jacket from the backseat to blanket you in.

You felt a hand on your cheek and turned to look at him, snow pelting his red hair and dark lashes. Without another word you leaned in closer and connected your lips with his own, instantly feeling his body relaxing at the kiss and a wave of relief crashing over him. His hands moved to cup your face as he deepened the kiss, doing everything he could to convey his feelings with his lips.

It was cold on the surface but inside yourself was nothing but warmth and that impenetrable force-field that came along with having Kirishima by your side. Hesitantly he broke the kiss at the sound of Bakugou honking his horn, both of you huffing into the cold air with a chuckle as you touched the scar above his eye.

“Let’s go home little one.”

#crimson ink #eijirou kirishima #kirishima eijirou x reader #bnha #mha #boku #my hero academia #bnha x reader #mha x reader #bnha writing #mha writing #tattoo shop au #hitmen au #bakusquad #angst #slow burn #eventual smut

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red-cyberpunk · 5 years

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Boy’s Name

My dad named me Mateo and my classmates named me Matthew. No one really minded my name at first, at least as far as I could tell. I was only a kid, so why would it matter to me? Why would I pay attention? Eventually, though, the same question kept coming up.

“Why do you have a boy’s name?”

I didn’t know what they meant at first. Boy’s name? Why would it be a boy’s name? It’s my name, so it’s a girl’s name, right? Or a name that anyone can use? But I had never met any other girls with the same name as me, so maybe not. But what did it matter, right? It’s my name.

Eventually, though, as we started to get a bit older, the questions shifted instead to rumors.

“I heard her dad named her that because he wanted a boy” was the one I heard first and most often. Of course, I didn’t think that was true. He wouldn’t be raising me if he didn’t love me the way I am, right?

I couldn’t ask him. My dad wasn’t intimidating, or anything. I wasn’t afraid of him. He never raised a hand at me or yelled at me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to ask why he named me this way. What if just asking disappointed him? Or what if he actually did want me to be a boy?

I held onto that anxiety for years, letting it fester like an unclean wound. I became more sensitive to the rumors being passed around, all of which escalated once I decided to cut my hair short.

When I told him how short I wanted to cut my hair, he agreed to it without question. “If that’s what you want,” he said. I guess he couldn’t think of any reasons I would want a haircut besides just to look different. So I got it cut. Buzzed. Throughout the whole process of getting it cut, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I never let them out.

“Apparently she wants to be a boy.”

“What? I heard she wanted to make girls think she was a boy.”

“I heard that she’s always staring at the other girls during gym.”

Stuff like that started spread afterwards, during my seventh-grade year. I tried to ignore it, but I could feel a heat starting to build up in my guts. It was like my insides were starting to boil, and it felt like my frustration might spill out once it got too far.

There was this one girl in some of my classes that I never talked to. Estrella something, her name was. The only blonde girl in our mostly Hispanic school and everyone’s favorite. Outwardly, she seemed nice, like she got along with everyone. She knew she seemed like that, too. I knew she did.

Every once in a while, I would notice her and her friends laughing and would look up to see what was so funny. Once they would notice me looking at them, they’d laugh more. I wanted to tell the teachers, but why would they believe me? Estrella was friendly with them, and I never even talked.

“Estrella said that your dad made you cut your hair so you could look more like a boy, is that true?”

I didn’t answer, but that gave me all the evidence I needed to confront her.

During lunch, I saw her laughing at me again. Over all the chatter of the other kids, I asked her what she was laughing at, standing up and moving towards her. It seemed like the cafeteria got quiet, but I was too focused to be sure.

“Don’t worry,” she said, her strong Mexican accent clear to anyone. “We weren’t laughing at you.”

“Bullshit, you’ve been laughing at me for months already.” The words spilled out of my mouth like vomit, but more acidic. “I already heard you talking about me, too.”

She denied it. Her friends did, too. Of course they did, why would they admit that they’ve been spreading rumors about me? But that denial just brought the heat in me higher, caused more words to be pushed out of my mouth almost against my will. It felt like actual vomit might come up, too. Eventually, the pressure from the heat in me made her crack.

“Well, maybe if your dad gave you a girl’s name, like a normal person, no one would talk about you!”

Most of what happened immediately after was a blur, but the cafeteria was almost definitely silent then. All I remembered was something hitting my balled fists, back, and head and the bruises left on my body afterwards.

They called my dad in to talk to the principal. Of course, he defended me. “Mateo wouldn’t lay a hand on someone unless they laid a hand on her. She’s been taught that much.” I never denied his defense, never said anything else about the fight to him, even when he would ask. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I would tell him.

More and more, I became reserved at home, avoiding talking to my own father whenever I could. At school, though, the reverse happened. Whenever I felt like someone was messing with me or talking behind my back, I’d confront them. I’d tell them if they were gonna be talking shit about me, they should do it to my face or else we could take things outside. Some of them, of course, would back off straight away. I never accepted that they didn’t do anything, but I let them just go.

There were other kids, though, probably just as frustrated about something as I was, who agreed to fight me. Usually we waited until afterschool hours so we wouldn’t get caught, but there were some who’d get into it right then and there. The few times that happened and I was caught, my dad was called in. He’d ask if people were messing with me, if something was wrong.

“No, I’m fine.”

His wanting to help made me feel like shit and only made me resent him more. The heat in me stayed steady into high school as I continued to think people were messing with me and talking about me behind my back. I kept it in at home and only let it out at school. To keep up my image at home, I kept my grades up, but even that started to piss me off.

There was one guy in some of my classes, Aurelio, who I noticed kept looking at me. I thought he had something against me for the longest time, that he was trying to intimidate me somehow. Then he came up to talk to me, to ask me if I’d go out with him.

I didn’t know how to answer him. Did he actually like me? Or was he put up to it by someone trying to make fun of me? In my mind, there was no way he, or any one else, could genuinely be into me. Someone must have put him up to it.

Again, the words spilled out of my mouth before I could even think of what to say. “Are you messing with me?”

He denied it. Of course he would, why wouldn’t he? He wanted me to let my guard down so he could invite me out on a date, then just stand me up. I knew he did, or at least the person who put him up to it wanted him to. So, no, I pushed him away like I did everyone else.

Eventually, my dad found out that I was the one starting the fights I was in. For the first time, he actually scolded me, telling me that he expected better from me. For the first time, the heat I’d built up inside of myself started to overflow at home. I bit back at him. I knew I had nothing to defend my actions with, but I tried to anyway, and he wouldn’t hear it.

I hated it, hated that he wouldn’t listen. I tried to think of something that he would listen to, but had nothing, so the heat decided on what I should say.

“Yeah, well, sorry I wasn’t born a boy like you wanted!”

In that moment, I could see his expression change multiple times, from confusion, to realization, to guilt and regret. The last one hit me the worst.

“Mija, I-“

I left the room before he could finish, shut myself in my bedroom to try to escape that look on his face. I wanted to go out and apologize, but couldn’t bring myself to. What help would it do, anyway? So, I just sat there.

What seemed like a couple hours later, after I’d wrapped myself in my covers in an attempt to cut off my own senses, he knocked on my door.

“What?” I asked, sounding more abrasive than I had meant to.

“Can I come in?”

“Do what you want.”

There was a long pause before I could hear my door open. “Mija,” he said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I caused you that kind of pain. I just wanted to let you know that I didn’t name you for that reason. I named you after my own father, your grandpa. He was a man I respected greatly, and I knew you could be just as great as him, maybe even greater. I still believe you can, Mateo.” He put his hand on my shoulder, then left my room, closing the door behind him. Even just his apology made me feel worse.

I hated myself. How could I mess things up this badly? I withdrew into myself again, just like when my classmates first started asking why I had a boy’s name back in elementary.

The first day back from winter break during my junior year of high school, I was approached by someone I had fought just the semester before. She wanted to fight me again, but I said no. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her anymore.

“What, are you a pussy? Scared I’ll beat your ass this time?”

I just shrugged. “Maybe.”

She didn’t say much else, just walked off, probably confused.

That continued, people who I’d messed with wanting to mess with me back. I declined as best I could, accepting their mocking words or even the cheap blows they’d give me. It was the least that I could do to make up for it.

I still felt people’s eyes on me. Whether they were mocking or not, I didn’t care. What did it matter anymore? I pushed them away, so it makes sense they’d do the same to me.

“Is it alright if I talk to you?” I went up to Aurelio after class a couple weeks after the semester started.

“Yeah,” he said, obviously hesitating.

“I’m sorry. About how I acted that time, I mean.” I hesitated to bring up the question I’d come to ask. “Do you still want to go out with me?” I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes.

“Yeah,” he said.

I smiled as best I could. Even after I’d treated him badly, he was still open to dating me. Why? Still, that question pulled at me. Why would he want to go out with me? I tried my best to push that question out of my mind and told him that I would go out with him. We exchanged phone numbers and held hands.

A few months passed. We went on dates, kissed, talked. I learned his favorite TV show, his favorite music artists, his favorite movies. He seemed happy, and just that gave me some amount of happiness.

“Maybe a nice girl like you will help straighten him out,” his parents said when I met them. I saw his face go red, shame fill his eyes. I didn’t ask what they meant, but I was pretty sure I knew. I pushed it out. I couldn’t just be suspicious all the time, I had to trust that people were being genuine with me. If I didn’t, I’d end up how I was before.

He invited me to his house. His parents would be out for a while, he said. I knew what he meant by it and agreed to go.

For a while, we just sat side by side in the low light of his room, not saying anything, not doing anything. His face was red and I’m sure mine was, too. Eventually, he asked if it was fine if he asked me to undress. I just nodded and got to it. I didn’t pose, didn’t make a show of it, just undressed as if I were getting ready to take a shower, then stood in front of him when I was done. I didn’t say anything, just looked at him, my expression almost blank.

He didn’t look at me.

I moved towards him, put my knee onto the bed, brought my face close to his.

He put his hand on my shoulder, gently pushed me away.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice wavering. “I’m sorry, I just thought that, since you look like that and have a guy’s name, then maybe I’d be okay with it, but…”

I just stood there, staring at him, staring through him. “It’s okay,” I said. I sat back down next to him, put my arms around him, told him again that it was okay. I didn’t say anything else, didn’t try to comfort him, didn’t get angry, blame him, forgive him. I didn’t do anything but sit by him and hold him.

Part of me was happy nothing happened, was even relieved that we didn’t go as far as we could have. The other part of me was worried that I’d never get another chance to make that intimate of a connection with someone again, that I’d somehow mess something up sometime in the future and push even more people away.

Eventually, I stood and wordlessly got dressed, getting ready to leave.

“Is it fine if we just hang out, just for a while longer?” he asked me. “It’s alright if you don’t want to. I would understand.”

I tried my best to smile and said okay. Until my dad called me to come back home, we watched movies. Or, we looked at them, at least. I couldn’t pay attention to them.

Once I did start actually getting ready to head home, Aurelio asked if we’d still be able to be friends.

I said yeah. Of course we could. I wanted that to be true, but I felt like I was lying. Was I? Or did I just want an excuse to distance myself from him? Then why couldn’t I just tell him that I felt like I couldn’t be around him?

I went home. I tried to cry, felt like I was going to, but couldn’t. I couldn’t sleep that night, either, no matter how hard I tried. Couldn’t cry myself to sleep.

I started talking to people less and less, both to my own dad and to Aurelio. I would only talk to them when they would talk to me, and I’d still barely contribute to the conversation. I tried to smile, but I knew they could tell it wasn’t real. I hated that they could tell.

The people I fought with eventually stopped talking to me. I blended into the background, just another student who usually sat alone. I still participated in group assignments, but didn’t let myself get close to anyone I worked with. Their phone numbers, if they gave me one, went unused after whatever assignment we did.

Aurelio still texted me, invited me places. He asked me often if I was alright and I’d just say yes. Sometimes I’d agree to go places with him, to see the latest movie or hang out somewhere, but usually I gave an excuse not to. I met some of his friends. They seemed nice, but they were loud. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to them much because of it, didn’t feel like I fit in with them much.

The second semester of senior year came and we all were pushed to apply to colleges. I only applied to out of town and out of state ones, even if I didn’t think I could get in. I couldn’t stand to live there anymore, not with my dad still there. I couldn’t let go of the feeling from the argument.

Aurelio asked which college I was going to. I told him that I didn’t know. Even after the rejection letters came in, I told him that I didn’t know where I’d go. The only acceptance letter I got was for a university further south. Aurelio told me he got accepted out of state. I congratulated him, secretly jealous that he would be able to escape that city, but also relieved that I wouldn’t have to feel the same guilt I felt every time I saw his face.

We both graduated, hugged, said our goodbyes. He tried to stay in contact. I didn’t.

Once it was time to, my dad helped me move my stuff into my dorm. He cried, but I couldn’t bring myself to. He left, and I met my roommate, a brown-skinned girl named Beatriz. I introduced myself as Matthias, not wanting to hear my old names anymore. She listened to her music through her laptop or phone speakers, but otherwise was fine. I didn’t talk to her much. I didn’t like being there, though, so I got a job so I could save up to try to rent an apartment.

One of my classmates, a girl named Teresa, offered to let me stay at the one she was renting with her boyfriend if I paid part of the rent, too. They would share a room. I agreed, so that’s where I am now. I’m halfway done with the basic courses, but I don’t know if I can keep up with both this and my job, especially when I start having to do the stuff for my major. I don’t even know what I’m gonna study yet.

Teresa said she might be buying a house with her boyfriend soon, so I don’t know what I’ll do about rent. I don’t want to just put out an ad online or in some building of the university, since I have no idea who’ll respond to them. I don’t have any friends I could ask and the classmates I’ve asked either live in the dorms, live with their parents, or don’t have jobs. I’m considering just dropping out and focusing full-time on work. I don’t want to go home.

Here’s another side story. It’s a lengthened version of a flashback with some details added in. These details will carry over into the main version of the story, too.

#Side Story #writing #fiction

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hussainshiyam · 3 years

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Trash Talk: Its Prevalence and Futility.

Originally Published on the 26th of January 2021

Aaaahh, trash talk or what I call weaponized rhetoric has been around ever since I can remember. Talking trash isn’t just limited to the sporting arena. Friends picking on each other is also a form of trash talking. Depending on the closeness of the relationship in which the trash talking takes place, it can either lead to belly laughs or fisticuffs.

Trash talking has probably been around since human beings started competing with each other, primarily in the sporting arena. The need to outdo the other while also talking trash adds to the drama of sports.

However, these verbal attacks were kept behind closed doors and the public was none the wiser for it. Slowly but surely the public became aware of these verbal barbs thrown at each other, the public’s interest in witnessing those match ups became greater.

Yet, most competitors as well as the organizers had no intention of publicly engaging in trash talking to their opponent. The main reason for the reluctance is that the narrative of sporting events is that it is based on mutual respect, humility, fairness, and meritocracy. The mantra being, “the best man always wins.” Trash talking is antithetical to the image the sports wants to maintain and promote.

Rather than leave the matter up to the athletes to regulate trash talk, the governing bodies made rules that curbed trash talking. These were the “bringing the sport in to disrepute” rules. This meant that a lot of the trash talk is done away from referees and umpires because, were they to be aware of it, there will be some form of punishment. It could be something as simple as a warning or a far more serious one like a suspension along with a hefty fine. It all depended on the severity of the incident.

Retired athletes’ retelling of instances of trash talk are hilarious. The basketball world is full of stories of how great Larry Bird and Michael Jordan are at talking trash. Retired athletes like Kevin Garnett and Reggie Miller tell stories of talking trash to Michael Jordan and how spectacularly it backfires on them as MJ would pull off one incredible move after another making bucket after bucket with them having no reply to it.

Trash talk is primarily used to get in to the head of their opponent and to weaken them psychology. The idea is to have them defeated even before they enter the arena. Just as trash talk could weaken an opponent, it can also energize them and be a motivator. For the overcompetitive person, trash talk is just fuel added to the fire that burns within them. It is undeniable that trash talk adds to the spectacle and generates heavy interest from the public. Who can forget rivalries born out of trash talking? Such as the legendary match ups between Patrick Viera and Roy Keane gave us some of the best moments in football, Michael Jordan’s match up with Isiah Thomas or anyone who says anything about him gets annihilated on the basketball court, and, Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb’s rivalry in baseball.

Trash talk is not just limited to the players, it also happens between coaches. Who can forget the war of words between Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho? Jose Mourinho’s ability to talk trash is the stuff of legends. Pep Guardiola admitted in an interview after leaving Barcelona that one of the reasons he left was because he was tired of the back and forth between him and Jose.

For most of a sport’s organizing or regulating body discourages trash talk as it is seen as disrespectful and shows a lack of humility. It is not so with combat sports. Combat sports such as Wrestling (WWE style, not the Olympic one), Boxing and Mixed Martial Arts actively encouraged trash talk. It adds to the spectacle as well as to the drama. Due to the nature of it being one on one as well as the violence involved, trash talk was perfect to wring the audience in to a frenzy.

The first instance of securing a title fight through trash talk and annoyance was Jack Johnson in 1908. It took Johnson 2 years of following the reigning champion Tommy Burns to agree. Even then he did so after the promoters guaranteed to pay him $30,000 win or lose. His constant taunts, attacks through the media, and literally showing up to places where Tommy Burns was were things that were unheard of for a black man to do. Through his action and his skin colour Jack Johnson was immediately cast as the villain and Tommy the hero. In 1908, the racist whites expected their white hero beat the black villain. The fight took place in Australia and Johnson toyed with Burns, delivering punch after punch while laughing and trash talking to Burns. It got so bad that the police intervened and put a stop to the fight.

In doing what he did, Jack Johnson has popularized trash talk and turned it into a tactical advantage. Subsequent fighters have taken trash talking to new and dangerous levels.

Perhaps the most famous trash talker in the world Muhammad Ali admitted that he used the tactics Jack Johnson used to get a title fight with Sonny Liston. Ali’s eloquence and quick wit made him the perfect trash talker. He even turned some of his trash talks in the form of poems. He would show up to Sonny Liston’s and trash talk him, he would show up places where Liston was eating, he would show up to the gym and taunt Liston. He successfully hounded Sonny Liston in to giving him a title shot.

As expected, Ali’s fights generated huge interest from the public and drew large crowds to his fights. He always thought that his very eloquent trash talk was in good faith and spirit. He had somehow convinced himself that the person at whom the trash talk was directed knew that he was putting on a show for the media to gin up curiosity and increase the size of the television audience. He was mistaken. One of those people who never recovered from the hurtful and mean things said at him was Joe Frasier. Even Ali admitted that he regrets some of the things he said. Sadly, Joe Frasier died without getting an apology.

The art of trash talking carries with it a dark underbelly that rears its ugly head from time to time. And when it does, it leaves the sport to claim these are one off occurrences. And they are right. However, it has to be acknowledged that these instances are on the rise.

Because trash talk has no boundaries, has no limits, has no topic that can’t be touched, and definitely no person that is off limits, trash talk has led to fights during press conferences, weigh in’s and during the face off.

It used to be fun to watch the juvenile insults fighters throw at each and we, the audience, saw it as lighthearted banter between opponents. That is not the case with these new age fighters who use trash talking as the means to insult, offend, belittle, and dismiss. These aren’t athletes who derive honour from competing. For them winning is all that matters and they will use any and all methods to achieve that objective.

Perhaps, the greatest trash talker of this generation Conor McGregor has taken trash talking too far according to many. But how can we say he took it too far when there are no rules or limits. Anything regulated by an unwritten understanding between parties cannot hold a participant’s refusal to follow it.

Trash talking has become so bad that a confrontation in which Khabib slapped a team mate of Conor for talking shit about him. Khabib took offence to Artem Lobov insinuating that Khabib faked injuries to get out of fights.

This led to the infamous dolly throwing incident in Brooklyn where Conor and a bunch of his friends attacked the bus Khabib and his team were in. All this because of some trash talk and a slap.

After that incident, it was obvious to all that a fight between Conor and Khabib had to be made. During the promotion of the fight Conor took his trash talking to new levels of disrespect and offensiveness. He labeled Khabib’s father as a coward, called Khabib a mad backwards cunt because he doesn’t drink alcohol.

Khabib is not one to talk much during the buildup. He is on record saying he wouldn’t do any promotional work if he wasn’t contractually obliged to do so.

The fight itself was one of dominance. Conor was out of his depth and he was getting pummeled. Khabib is well known for talking inside the octagon and as he delivered one blow after another, we can hear him say, “let’s talk.” “Let’s talk now.” It was a show of control and domination by a supremely gifted fighter who doesn’t care to trash talk.

After Khabib submitted Conor, he jumped over the octagon and attacked a friend of Conor’s who had been hurling insults at him throughout the fight. The venomous trash talk has finally consumed Khabib.

In the aftermath of the fight, Khabib excoriated those who condoned Conor’s behaviour and allow the disrespect to fester in a sport he saw as one of mutual respect and honour.

Khabib was almost universally condemned for his inability to control his emotions after the match and going after Dillon Danis. It was the most watched pay per view event in UFC history and the scenes after the main event were exactly the kind of scenes the UFV didn’t want to broadcast. And it seemed like trash talk has taken another victim.

Actually, what many thought would happen to the UFC did not happen. Because of who Khabib is and his personality people gave him the benefit of the doubt and blamed the trash talk. It wouldn’t have worked out that way it did had it not been anyone else but Khabib.

Khabib comes from the mountainous region of Dagestan which is part of the Russian federation, and he is a pious Muslim. Because of who he is there was never a second of doubt as to why he did what he did.

Whether anyone realises or not, ever since that incident trash talk has been on the decline. Fighters no longer feel the need to go overboard with the insults. For this, we should all thank Khabib. He has landed a huge blow against this abhorrent and demeaning act of trash talk. To Conor McGregors credit, he did learn the one thing he cannot allow to happen if he were to continue trash talking. That being, one who talks trash cannot be dominated. Losing is acceptable, but getting beat and dominated are unacceptable. To continue to be a trash talker one must know, it is not about losing, it is the manner in which you were beaten.

Trash talking will always be around so long as human beings compete with each other. That is not the concern. The concern is, in what form will it exist. Will it be confined to the context in which it can exist or will it go deeper and deeper into the abyss of human disrespect.

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raguna-blade · 6 years

Text

Getting Closer to actually daily rambling

So, I am, slowly, quite slowly, achingly slowly, working my way to doing a big ole analysis of Persona 5 Because that’s the exact kind of nerd I am but one thing has kind of stuck out to me in Persona 5 as a weird problem.

Like, in a game that starts out with a PRETTY FUCKING DIRE stance on sexualization of young women, what the fuck is going on with Ann?

LIke, it’s weird that the game starts off so strong on that front, and then from that point forward in regards to Ann drops the ball like a lead weight into a blackhole.

Seriously, the statement is made rather objectively and clearly, Don’t Sexualize the young lady and then...proceeds to kind of do that the entire game right? Unless I’m misremembering things rather badly which is quite possible.

And I got a little mini essay thing of notes hidden away elsewhere right now looking at it, but this one thought came to mind semi recently and well...

Ok, let’s talk about themes in the persona games, at least in the last three mainline ones alright? And specifically, we’re gonna talk about said themes in relation to Shadows which are of varying levels of importance throughout the series. Honestly, I should one day do the first couple of games to get a full picture of it but...

Still before we go further, Quick definition. Fans will know, unfan’s won’t, but either way I want to be clear of the definition I’m rolling with here. What the flip fuck is a Shadow? In series, a Shadow is basically an embodiment of well...You. It’s all the stuff you repress about yourself, and in series that’s pretty universally negative.

Thing is though, the thing about that, Shadows in Jungian Psych aren’t. As I understand it anyway, they’re not inherently negative. Shadows are basically just whatever you repress about yourself, good or bad. It’s whatever you refuse to acknowledge, either because of trauma, danger, ignorance, actual refusal, whatever. Anything and everything about yourself that you don’t ever want to deal with and you shove off into the negative space of your mind halls so you don’t have to deal with it ever again becomes a part of the Shadow.

Got it? Cool.

Now themes though. Persona 3 has a pretty cut and dry theme (more or less, and drawing from rather old memories at this point) involving Death, Mortality, and the fact that you are absolutely positively going to kick the fucking bucket one day so you better live up and be the best you you possibly can be of yourself. You see it in all of the Persona’s and how they evolve going through the game’s story line. Inevitably, as they have to deal with things that they’ve struggled with in a unvarnished and straightforward way, they have to integrate these new truths into themselves and basically become better people, more whole. And in doing so, their persona’s grow up and become stronger.

Now as far as shadows go, they never really make an appearance in the game formally (in the sense of specific shadows relevant to the characters themselves. You spend the entire game putting foot to shadowy ass, much to your detriment) EXCEPT FOR, Strega and those who use the drugs to control their personas. Which is weird, because they’re still personas right? Except that a Persona is EXPLICITLY a tamed shadow, yourself put under your control more or less, so for Strega and the other drug users, They haven’t actually done the proper actualization that the rest of SEES and them do to get their persona’s under their control. They haven’t exactly confronted themselves and overcome it, thus why, occasionally, their Persona Flip out and try to kill them because YOU STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN THIS SHIT UNDER CONTROL YOU NINNIES.

Make sense? Cool, we move forward to 4.

Four has a rather explicit and subtle theme about reaching out to the truth and cutting through ignorance to find the heart of things, and as regards shadows and self, acknowledging your true self. The more you do it, the stronger your persona becomes etc etc, but unique here is that everyone (and I include MC here because I am DAMN certain that Teddie is his castoff shadow but that’s a whole other story) literally confronts their shadows before making them into their personas, and what we see universally is that their shadows are...Kind of raging assholes yes, but also none of them are exactly you know...EVIL. Kind of dickish, and playing up fears and such, but that’s kind of what happens when you don’t deal with your shadow. Let it fester and you start getting weird neuroses about things and start tearing yourself up about such minor things as you know, hating the town you live in, the distinct possibility that you’re nowhere near as straight as you thought you were, the disquieting thought that you’re basically whoring yourself out to make a living, or that you’ve got a distinct and actual problem with Gender In Regards to your desired profession and/or yourself.

You know. Minor Teen things.

But Inevitably, you confront yourself, you confront the situation, you integrate, and your shadow becomes your persona. Cool Story.

Now I’m going to pause here and mention something that only explicitly becomes a thing here in four and that is that Shadows are shown universally to have bright yellow GLEAMING eyes, and that’s going to become SILLY important in about 20 seconds.

SO WE MOVE ON TO PERSONA 5, with it’s themes of rebellion and freedom, and being your own authentic self all times everytime, anytime. Symbolized, rather explicitly, by the outfits each and every one of the Phantom Thieves wear when they enter a Palace.

Which is cool, but I hear you asking, but what of the shadows? WHAT OF THE SHADOWS MAN.

Where the fuck are they? I mean, yeah their persona but...

Hey.

Hey buddy.

You remember every single time the characters transform for the first time their eyes turn into that gleaming yellow color in their eye spaces?

Why it’s almost like they’re...Almost like they’re becoming their shadows?

Why yes, that is exactly what I think is happening here, because TO A MAN, every shadow summon we see has them saying some frankly OMINOUS SHIT. Like...One second let me just rip from the SMT Wiki right quick.

Listen to this shit Arsene Says when he’s summoned.

"What's the matter...? Are you simply going to watch? Are you forsaking him to save yourself? Death awaits him if you do nothing. Was your previous decision a mistake then? Very well...I have heeded your resolve. Vow to me. I am thou, thou art I...Thou who art willing to perform all sacrilegious acts for thine own justice! Call upon my name, and release thy rage! Show the strength of thy will to ascertain all on thine own, though thou be chained to Hell itself!"

Now if Persona Are Shadows, an established fact in canon, the fact Arsene is saying this to Akira is KIND OF FUCKING CONCERNING, and as I realized like yesterday pretty explicitly foreshadows the bad end. Because well...Do what I want for my own justice? yeah no way that can go wrong it’s not like anyone else in the game is doing that no sirree.

But this is about Ann right? And her frankly kind of weird sexualization that’s going on throughout the game?

What’s Carmen Got to say?

"My... It's taken far too long. Tell me... Who is going to avenge her if you don't? Forgiving him was never the option... Such is the scream of the other you that dwells within... I am thou, thou art I... We can finally forge a contract... There you go... Nothing can be solved by restraining yourself. Understand? Then I'll gladly lend you my strength."

That’s...Actually relatively tame. Stop restraining yourself. Uh...ok. Guess that has nothing to-

WAIT A FUCKING SECOND WHO’S CARMEN?

Hey now, short story, Carmen is the heroine of the titular play, and she is a woman who is rather handily in control of her sexuality even when it ends up destroying her (admittedly, because two idiots couldn’t stop being you know...dumb. But anyway). Critical thing though, Carmen is basically a femme fatale, and as Ann says in her Social Link, those were always the kinds of characters that she wanted to be like. Those sexy, kind of devilish lady villains from kids cartoons and you know what, that’s pretty cool. That’s a level of absolute self confidence and such that cannot be denied I think so fair’s fair.

But uh...Have...have any of you seen Ann seduce anyone in the game? She’s....She’s really fucking bad at it guys. She’s actually, consistently awful at it. And yet, Ann is also consistently, continually, stated and shown to be the hot one of the group, such as it goes.

Which, fine, but still...Why the ball dro-

Have you seen her social link? The one where she more or less throughout finds that things she’s been doing on automatic require real genuine effort more than what she was doing? Like say, consistent diet and exercise, skin care, etc etc etc if she wants to be a model? Things she was absolutely not doing? Things she was, in fact, kind of really stunningly, amazingly ignorant of?

I...I almost feel...I almost feel like there’s a parallel here, something something...

Well, Their Shadowverse costumes are explicitly their idea of rebellion, and transforming into it, at least for the first time, has them apparently transforming however briefly into their shadows.

Which says to me, that functionally she, and the rest of the Phantom Thieves, are TRYING ON their shadows. That is to say, they are actively, knowingly, willingly embracing their Shadow Selves, in opposition to the previous groups who more or less suborn the shit out of their less repressed halves. And why wouldn’t they?

I didn’t bring up themes for no reason you know, ramble though this is. The Story is obssessed with being free, breaking the chains that bind you, and outright rebellion. How could they POSSIBLY keep on theme with that, if the first thing that happens upon awakening your persona you shove your shadow in a box and never talk about it again because Hey Y’all, it’s under control, no need to deal with that den of horrors and things I don’t want to think about.

Ann is, effectively, just as everyone else is, trying to directly integrate her shadow self into her. And for her, that involves sexuality rather explicitly. Which is probably even more of a problem for her (for all that it’s not explicitly brought up again ever by anyone else in the game because you know...Rape/Sexual Assault, whether threatened or actual is kind of stressing? Especially if it’s by someone who’s an authority figure and you were supposed to respect and was supposed to protect you? Just...Yeah.)

I mean I’m not an expert by any means, but holy fuck would I think repressing thoughts of myself being sexual in any way shape or form especially when I really wasn’t trying to be and up until that point wasn’t consciously aware of how I was would be absolutely understandable if not justified especially given proximity to the event.

But with that said, She, and the rest of the cast for all of their less than stellar attributes as expressed by their outfits and persona, are actively trying on those parts of themselves, rather explicitly being the version of themselves that they don’t feel they are, or don’t exactly want to be, and have hidden away for one reason or another.

And for Ann, that’s well...being a sexual person. Which notably, no one else at all seems to struggle with save perhaps Makoto but that is arguably a different story (her blanket lack of understanding of love does lean towards inexperience in relationships, which I absolutely get, but on the other hand, her first action upon awakening is to put on a full leather outfit, call herself queen, and immediately mount and ride her [female who pretended to be male] persona out of the mind bank ufo of a dude who kind of threatened making her with prostitution(not strictly in that order), not to mention that her Arcana Card has a lady checking out a questionably clothed model but uh...It’s a different sexual issue shall we say? Although, now that I think about it, does raise some curious questions if my Makoto is the other actual protag thing ever bears fruit.)

Now mind, this doesn’t exactly excuse the camera antics involved, that’s something else entirely, but otherwise, it’s actually pretty consistent from what I recall of it all, So you know...There’s that.

Still mostly a ramble, as there’s a lot missing here but still.

Gotta get into the habit if I’m gonna make a right and proper daily ramble yah?

#Persona 5 #ann takamaki #Shadows #CONFRONTING YOUR TRUE SELF #Your not me!#Wait Shit maybe you are?#Ramblings #Persona 4 #Persona 3 #Thematic Analysis(Lite)

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theliterateape · 4 years

Text

The Troubling Ballad of Cowboy Bob

by Don Hall

In fifty-four years of traipsing about on the planet, I can’t recall a single time I requested to speak to the manager. I can only remember one or two times in that span that I chose to call the police to diffuse a situation. Probably a few more times than that when I was actively hostile to a service worker and then mostly on the phone which each time was followed by a sincere apology.

Perhaps I’m a doormat when it comes to getting the wrong order or not receiving the expected service in these situations but I genuinely do not comprehend that impulse when confronted with these circumstances.

No one should be required to suffer abuse at the hands of a disgruntled customer and no one getting minimum wage should have their employment held over their head for refusing to take shit while simply trying to do their job.

We called him Cowboy Bob. It wasn’t his name but I dubbed him that the first time I encountered him and the name stuck for not only the casino staff but also with many of our regulars who despised him.

That first meeting was on a Sunday before the pandemic. It was football season and the Sportsbook was packed with bettors sitting in the big chairs watching multiple games on the fifteen or so large screen televisions. Drinks were flowing and we were training a new bartender. She was a slip of a woman, twenty-three or so, and not quite used to the rough crowd at the West.

Allegra, one of my regular bartenders and not someone to be fucked with, approached me.

“Myra’s crying because that asshole,” and she pointed to a middle-aged guy with a goatee and a white cowboy hat sitting in the front row with a female friend by his side, “that asshole has been barking at her all morning. Every time she brings a drink he has an issue, insults her, and when I went over to talk to him he called me a bitch for even saying something.”

There are a few things that piss me off while wearing my managerial hat but someone verbally abusing my hardworking, low-paid staff is at the top of that festering list. I stroll over to the dude, squat down so we are on eye-level, and quietly let him in on the skinny.

“Can I have a word? Seems like you’re in a foul mood and are being kind of hostile to my bar staff...no, hold on. I’ll let you explain if you want. Let me finish. Here’s the deal — I’m no fan of that behavior as I’m sure you are not as well so I want to present you with a choice, OK?

You can either apologize to both my bartenders for your rude behavior and if they believe it, they might continue serving you and your lady friend drinks today. Or, you can double down, refuse to apologize and the result will be that you can enjoy our casino any time you like but you will never be served as much as a glass of ice for the rest of your life while in here.

Whaddya think, Cowboy Bob?”

You could see his anger and frustration bubbling up in different areas of his face, neck, and hands as he wrestled with his response. I never took my eyes off of his as he decided. Finally, he rose, turned to Myra and Allegra and offered his apology with the counter apology that if they weren’t so busy perhaps they’d get his drinks right. But, dontcha know, he understood.

The ladies decided to continue serving him drinks and he subsequently tipped them generously for each drink (more to save face with his date than anything I said but the effect was the same).

The next time Bob came in, he was all smiles to me. He roped me into conversations about how I was the best manager around and that I should be running the place. Cowboy Bob was a Time Share Salesman. He was apparently pretty good at it as he routinely told me his monthly earnings but always with the caveat that he could’ve done much better but the other people in his office were incompetent.

He still “called for the manager” when someone took too long with his drink or at the gift shop when he bought a snack but, as I was that manager, things rarely got out of hand. He had an inside manager in his perspective.

As time progressed he opened up and shared with me how he really didn’t get along with anyone he worked with. In lieu of jumping down the throats of my staff, he’d bring me over to give me advice about that bitch at the cage or the cunt in the Sportsbook. He advocated that I, the best manager in the place, should fire these people because they just didn’t get it.

On one occasion, he informed me that he could sue the casino and the dippy bitch at the gift shop for selling him a bag of potato chips he ate and then got diarrhea. Mind you, these were the fucked up flavored kettle chips — something like pickle brine and pork chop flavor — but he went into detail about how he could sue but wouldn’t because he wasn’t that kind of guy.

Once in awhile, I tried to crack into him and find out what the deal was with the routine mistreatment of those whom he saw as requiring deference to him and his whims.

Granted, assigning motivations is tricky business. Therapists are paid for it and they don’t even know what the fuck they’re doing. You ever meet a professional therapist without some paste fetish or completely dysfunctional relationship with their parents? That said, Cowboy Bob struck me as a conservative guy with a chip on his shoulder.

His work history, as he shared it, was filled with asshole co-workers and women bosses who didn’t get him. It seemed that he got along with absolutely no one he’d worked with in years. He was a low-key kind of bigot who had figured out he couldn’t call the Asian guy in the casino a jap or the black porter a darkie so he trucked in subtle stereotyping instead. All clothed in the kind of language that sounded very corporate yet damning at the same time.

I, like almost everyone in the place, didn’t much care for Cowboy Bob but we were in our honeymoon period and it was better to have to listen to him drone on than have him verbally attack my staff so I took it for the team.

[CUT TO PANDEMIC, THREE-MONTH SHUTDOWN, AND A LOSS OF SPORTS TO BET ON]

We re-opened the casino but sports was pretty much cancelled so we didn’t see Bob around.

Then one day, once football started up:

“Security to M.O.D. I have a guest threatening to sue me personally for harassment because I ask him to put on his mask.”

“Copy that. On my way.”

Of course it was CB. And of course he pulled me aside to complain. He was agitated and sweaty.

“Can I have a minute? Yeah. I understand that Black Lives Matter and all that stuff but All Lives Matter, you know? All Lives not just black ones and I need to tell you that your security guard? The fat one over there? He’s just, well, maybe too enthusiastic with his job. I mean, I’m just trying to watch a football game and he’s up in my face about this mask thing...”

“Bob. That’s his job. Were you wearing your mask?”

“So, wait a minute, you’re just going to ignore how he made me feel by telling me this is all my fault? Because that’s not about service, that’s about control.”

“Bob, he doesn’t bother anyone who’s wearing a mask. You gotta wear it. We want to stay open and them’s the rules.”

“So this is now about control? Is that what you’re saying? You’re trying to control me, Don, and...” He went on for at least two straight minutes. I finally held up my hand.

“Just wear your mask, Bob. That’s it. No mask, you have to leave.”

“Are we done? Are we done? Are you done talking already? I’m just trying to watch a football game and I’m not doing that because, why? Why? So you can defend an illegal thing to control me and a fat guard? I’m here to watch a football game.”

“Then watch your fucking game, dude!”

“Well, then. You just used profanity. I’ll be contacting corporate about that.”

“Groovy. Now put your mask on or your can watch it someplace that’s not right here.”

“AND you threatened me. Profanity and a threat. Great professionalism.”

“Bob?”

“What?”

“Stuff it up your ass, OK?”

He stayed, mask on, throughout the game. My security officer watched him like a hawk to make sure that fucking mask was on tight.

I’ll never really understand the weird entitled instincts to use the phrases “I need to see your manager” and “I’m calling corporate” but watch enough Public Freakout YouTubes and it’s not hard to see how much an outlier I am in this regard.

Not long ago, I wrote that we’ve all become ‘Karen’ and it’s true. Perhaps the digital age has conditioned us to be the asshole who wants someone fired as punishment for shattering his protected worldview of personal autonomy. Maybe we’ve always been this way and the onslaught of undeterred opinions swarming around us makes us want to punish those around us not convinced of our divine right to a perfect bag of chips.

In an imperfect world a bit of leeway should probably be given to those employed to serve us. Managers should do their best to balance the needs of the guests and the rights of their staff. I’m amazed at these petty minded people who demand to see the manager, think that ‘calling corporate’ is a credible threat, who use the power of their patronage to cancel others.

I’m amazed but unimpressed.

I hope Cowboy Bob goes to another Sportsbook and haunts it’s staff but I’m pretty sure he’ll be back. Every place has a Cowboy Bob and he’s mine, I suppose.

#casino life #toxic customers #we are all karen

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flossy-positivity · 4 years

Text

Okay... so.. yeah...

There is this thing that always seems to happen when I make a friend that I adore to bits, that I let my guard down for, that I would do anything for. I let my walls down and boom, it goes to shit. They leave, always. Be it physically or emotionally, they distance themselves from me. I put down my walls and I am instantly abandoned. The others at least I knew why, but this time I have no idea why. And I don’t think they know or care how bad they hurt me. Cause in this situation, if the roles were reversed, no matter how I felt - if I was sick or didn’t want to be there I would have never done to them what they did to me. Whether or not I was “feeling it “ I would never have left them there by themselves and ceased communication. I would have never given them any cause to questions our friendship.

And I didn’t say any of this to them for two reasons: 1) I’ve been saying the same thing since this whole thing started and figured they wouldn’t heed it yet again thus causing me more pain and 2) yet again I put their feelings before mine. I’ve really done a disservice to myself because I’m always trying to make sure they are good and they are heard when I can’t receive even an once of reciprocity.

I guess I can see they are trying, maybe? I mean I’ve been spoken to about two times out of the last 4 days. But when I see them all I see is the person who ghosted me, who hurt my heart, who constantly treats me like I’m dog poop on the bottom of their shoe. All I see is a person who told me they’d never do the very thing they did. I was hurt. I am hurting. And then I get angry. At them. At myself for actually trusting and opening up enough for them to hurt me this much. And I think “do I really want to go through this again? Can I get through this?” Cause to be honest I really don’t think we’ll ever go back to the way things were. Because of the way they are and because of the pain I feel. Because I am speaking my truth in this manner it probably is an automatic attack to them even though it’s not meant to be...

I really have to protect myself and the trust I handed out so freely before that they threw away is going to have to be earned. I mean think about it, would anyone want to be bothered with someone who just does whatever they want with no consideration for others or rather, no consideration for the person they claimed was their best friend? Cause not only is this a bunch of bull crap, it’s disrespectful on their part.

Nobody likes confrontation. It’s not something people do for fun unless their are other underlying issues. However, I am the type to address an issue as soon as it appears so that it won’t fester. Perhaps to them that is confrontation. To me that is communication. I constantly begged essentially for them to tell me what’s going on. If can’t take what I’m dishing out I could kind of understand the happenings but that isn’t the case at all. They claim they are so worried about hurting my feelings that all they are doing is hurting my feelings? It doesn’t make sense. Is that how you protect a friendship? I’m pretty sure it’s not working. So let’s be honest about what’s really going on. And if it really is that I did nothing to them and they felt it was a good idea to do this then that’s even worse.

So I guess this is where I am today. I’m not sure if I’ll ever want to really do anything with this person anymore. Right now, in this moment, I really don’t. I don’t trust them. I can’t trust them. Cause if I plan something and then they do it again... yeah.... cause I really do miss our friendship but I mean if their stuff is always more important and I will be pushed aside again depending on how they feel... I’m good. I really hate this though.... but people are accountable for their actions. They did this so they need to fix it. Themselves. If anything is to change it had to come from their end. I will no longer believe their words....

I dunno have people telling me to just leave this so-called friendship in the trash... but the foolish me who remembers, the part of me who never gives up on her ppl is having a bit of a struggle...

So that’s what it is. I know they will most likely never address it and that’s the main reason why I can’t “get over” this.

I know I have to take it one day at a time and perhaps when I have another bout of clarity I will find the answer then...

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phan-of-the-pen · 5 years

Text

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 18

back at it again bois

Tags for chapter: FLUFF, super minor angst

Words for chapter: ~3.5 k

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3!)

<– Previous chapter Next chapter -->

~~~~~~~~~~

"So," Jaime drawled, slathering icing onto the roof of the gingerbread house, "what's your deal with Phil?"

Dan looked up from where he was using sprinkles to carefully decorate his side of the house. He frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh Daniel," Jaime sighed melodramatically, "you do realize that I have eyes, right? There's been something off about you two ever since I got back a few days ago. At first, I was just wondering if it was like an off day or whatever, but he's stopped in the coffee shop every day and the story is still the same. And, the cherry on top is that from what I can tell, it's all you. So, spill, amore."

Dan smiled a bit at the pet name, but as he tried to grasp for the right words it melted away into a puzzled frown. He put down the tube of icing.

"I don't even really know? It's incredibly stupid, and I feel like a bloody idiot for pulling away at all."

"Oi, no more putting yourself down, remember? You can feel however you like without it being stupid."

"Are you my therapist now too?"

Jaime threw a gumdrop at Dan, and it whacked him in the nose.

"Shut up and be nice to yourself. While you're at it tell me whatever the hell is going on between you two."

Dan rolled his eyes even though the sentiment touched him.

"Yes mum." He picked the sprinkles back up, deciding that keeping his hands busy would be beneficial.

"It wasn't even that long ago, but it was that day when I texted you about how much foam Phil had in his coffee, you remember?"

"Mi Dio, how could I forget? It was the worst thing I've ever seen with my own two eyes."

"Yeah," Dan laughed, "but later after the day was over we ended up at his apartment. We watched a movie and everything was great! But I took care of the leftover snacks at the end of it, and when I came back to the lounge he was reading something on his phone. The strange part was that he looked...distressed? Kind of angry even? Like, whatever he was looking at obviously upset him. I asked him about it, and he gave me this fake smile and insisted that everything was fine."

Jaime frowned.

"Did he ever say what it was? Maybe not then, but later or something?"

"No, he said that his schedule just got changed around a little and that it conflicted with a shift at Tesco's or whatever, but he never said anything else."

"Have you talked to him about it since?"

Dan groaned and gave up on trying to pretend that he was still decorating. He flopped back in his chair.

"No. When it happened I pushed it a little because I couldn't help but think about the fact that you aren't supposed to let bad feelings fester. But I noticed how uncomfortable and anxious he looked, and I dropped it, thinking that all of my questions were getting to him. I haven't had the courage to talk to him about it since."

"Don't you think that you should? I mean if it's bothering you like this then I think it's something that you two should talk about."

"I know, but I'm scared that I'll push him away if I keep pestering him about it."

Jaime squeezed a line of icing onto her finger and ate it, frowning.

"What do you think was really on his phone then?"

Dan hesitated.

"I...don't know. We're normally so honest with each other, and something like this hasn't happened to us before. Him cheating on me because I’m ace was kind of my gut reaction when I sat and actually thought about it, but I know he'd never do that. It's just my anxieties and insecurities surfacing, you know? But, that's besides the point. I just can't think of anything that he would hide from me like that. It just worries me."

"The possibility of him cheating is what's worrying you?"

"No, no not that. I'm worried that he doesn't trust me enough with whatever is bothering him. He's my boyfriend, and I want to be there for him and support him however I can, but I can't really do that if I get shut out. And if he's not talking about this, I can't help but think about there possibly being other stuff that he deals with on his own. I just...I want to be there for him. I want him to let me help him."

Jaime nodded, popping another scoop of icing into her mouth.

"I see where you're coming from. You want to be there for him, and I'm really glad that you feel like that. I don't think that he should have lied to you like that, and I think the fact that he so obviously did it is kind of shitty. However, you can't expect him to tell you everything. I know that sometimes opening up to people is hard, and besides that we all need at least a little bit of privacy, even from our significant others."

"No, I know that, and I totally respect that."

"I know you do," Jaime said, "that's not really my point. The normal things that people in relationships keep from each other are small or whatever. What's different is that this is upsetting you both, so regardless I think you two should be talking about it. Right now, if Phil ever wanted to tell you or not doesn't matter."

"So you think I should confront him about it?" "I think you should ask him about it. Tell him that it's been on your mind, and that you know that he wasn't telling the whole truth. Don't forget to mention that you don't want to be one of those controlling partners and that you respect his space and privacy, but that this is messing you up inside. Tell him all of the stuff you told me about wanting to be there for him, and let him know the concerns that you have."

Dan nodded, knowing that his best friend was once again right.

"When do you think I should do it?"

"It's already pretty late today, and tomorrow is Christmas, so I would wait a few days if I were you."

Dan dragged his fingers through the sprinkles scattered all over the table absentmindedly as he digested all of the advice that Jaime had given him.

"Hey," Jaime said, her voice soft. Her tone made Dan look up. "I'm sure it's nothing life changing. It's the holidays and right now it's a time to be happy. I know you're worried, but if it was something completely terrible we both know that he would have come to you."

"You're right."

"I know I am," Jaime said, a smirk pulling at the corners of her lips. Dan rolled his eyes at her.

"You're also so full of yourself."

"Mhm, sure."

Dan pinched a few sprinkles in between his fingers and tossed them, hitting Jaime on the forehead. Taken by surprise, she jumped.

"Oh you're going to regret that, Howell."

"Oh yeah? Make me."

Arming herself with both icing tubes, Jaime jumped out of her seat and ran around the table to Dan's side. Dan launched himself out of his own chair and skidding around the table, Jaime following closely behind. Desperate to defend himself, Dan snatched up the packet of gumdrops from the table as he passed and threw them at Jaime.

However, Dan's aim was bad on his best days, and when trying to hit a moving target behind him while moving himself, it was abysmal.

Jaime, who was much more fit than Dan in every way, quickly caught up with him. She reached out with her hand and pulled the back of his collar with just enough force to make Dan skid to a stop to avoid being choked. Lightning quick, she put the opening of one of the icing tubes at the base of his neck and squeezed. Icing burst from the tube and went in between Dan's back and his shirt, making Dan whirl around, screeching as he felt it cover his back. He reflexively brought his hands up to the back of his neck, already starting to pull his shirt over his head. Taking advantage of Dan now facing her, Jaime smushed the contents of the spare icing tube all over Dan's face.

"You goddamn bastard!" Dan yelled, his voice high and panicked as he fought to get his shirt up and over his head. The only problem was that all of the icing on the back of Dan's shirt got smeared into his hair as Dan dragged the material over his head.

When he had finally managed to fling the soiled shirt as far away from him as he could, Dan could only gape in horror as he took in the state of himself. There was icing on his back, his face, in his hair, his hands, on his pants, god the stuff was everywhere.

He looked at Jaime helplessly.

Jaime was hysterical, nearly doubled over in laugher.

Well, there's one way to make this even.

Dan closed the distance between them in a single step and spread his arms. Jaime didn't notice until it was too late, her eyes going wide as she realized Dan's plan. Dan wrapped his arms around her in a huge bear hug, wiping all of the icing on the front of his body, arms, and hands on Jaime. She squirmed and tried to get away, but it was too late.

They were both filthy.

When Dan finally let her go, she was spouting Italian, way too fast for Dan to even try and keep up if he wanted to. None of the few unflattering words he managed to understand could deter his wide smile or snickers, however.

When Jaime finally stopped her torrent, Dan handed her a towel.

"Oh, wipe that shit-eating grin off your face, bastardo, I did worse to you."

"Let me enjoy the victories I can manage to scrounge up, Jaime."

Dan wiped his face with a towel, getting the worst of the icing off.

"Something tells me that we won't be finishing this gingerbread house." Dan muttered. He looked around at his kitchen. There was icing smeared at random points of the table and floor, sprinkles, chocolate balls, and other candies were covering the table and spilling onto the tiles. Gumdrops were tossed everywhere in the kitchen, and Dan had a very strong feeling that he would be finding them in the most unsuspecting places for weeks to come. Their gingerbread house was half-finished, sagging due to not being fully supported, and lacking in an artistic vision in general.

He really could care less, though. This had easily turned out to be his favorite Christmas Eve he had ever spent with Jaime.

"C'mon Jaime, the person who finds the most gumdrops gets the first shower."

~~~~~

Dan had been more than expecting Phil to show up Christmas morning. Hell, Dan had been the one to suggest his place as their meeting point in the first place. And yeah, he hadn't given Phil a time to show up by, and yeah, he loved the man's company, but jesus christ showing up before noon was torture. Had he really forgotten to tell Phil about Jaime and his tradition of staying up until they literally couldn't?

Horribly tired, Dan finally disentangled himself from the sheets with the help of Jaime literally pushing him out of the bed.

"Get him to stop knocking, damnit," she mumbled, already half asleep again.

It took Dan longer than he cared to admit to get up off the floor and to the front door, but when he opened it he really couldn't be annoyed. Phil was in Christmas pajamas and a santa hat. He had a large bag in his one hand and a massive grin on his face.

"Merry Christmas, Dan!" Phil shouted.

God, he's such a little kid, Dan thought, but it was adorable more than anything.

Dan let Phil in, and he plopped his bag on the floor. Phil immediately wrapped Dan in a hug and excitedly kissed him hello.

"Sorry, you look exhausted. Actually no, I'm not sorry. It's Christmas and I stayed away long enough." He said, the smile on his face never faltering. Phil pressed one more kiss to Dan's lips and pulled away, ignoring Dan's protests. Phil was warm and comfortable, and Dan was tired, sue him.

"Don't pout, you'll get plenty of me all day. Here, present number one," Phil said, bending down and opening his bag. Dan didn't see any of the contents, but he almost cried from relief at the sight of Phil pulling a large box of doughnuts out of the bag. "I brought breakfast."

"God, I knew there was a reason why I started dating you."

Dan opened the lid and easily picked out his favorite with his spare hand. He took a massive bite and moaned in appreciation at the marvels of a simple—yet delicious—glazed doughnut.

"I don't even care if you got me anything else, this is the highlight of my day," Dan mumbled through his mouthful of food. Phil laughed, his eyes doing that cute squinty thing.

"Well, hopefully your day will just keep getting better. Where's Jaime? I thought she was sleeping over."

Dan gestured in the general direction of his bedroom with the doughnut.

"She's still in bed."

"I'll drag her out of bed. What do you think my chances are for survival?"

"Slim. She's really grumpy that you woke us up and we watched the sunrise this morning."

Phil hummed in acknowledgment and pressed a kiss to Dan's forehead.

"In case I meet my untimely demise at the hands of Jaime."

Dan migrated to the kitchen and sat at his table, which still had traces of icing all over it. He managed to finish his first and second doughnuts by the time Phil surfaced once more. His glasses were askew and his fringe was sticking up in wild directions. His hat was missing and there was a distinct redness to the left side of his face, but he was grinning like a madman.

"She's coming."

Phil helped himself to the breakfast he brought, and it was another ten minutes before Jaime appeared. She was wrapped in Dan's duvet and looked extremely disgruntled, but she sat at the table regardless. She narrowed her eyes at Phil as he continued to sunnily eat.

"I should have hit you with that pillow harder." She grumbled, snatching the doughnut that Phil was eyeing and taking a large bite.

Dan smiled. Looks like things were just as they normally were.

~~~~~

After their belated breakfast, they all huddled on the couch with the remainder of the doughnuts and a pile of Christmas sweets. Jaime claimed that since she was rudely torn from her bed she got to pick the movie they watched, and they all sat through The Polar Express followed by Elf. All three of them dozed a little in the beginning, but it helped to rid Dan and Jaime of their exhaustion.

After the two movies they scrolled through Netflix for a bit before they all found a show that they were all watching. After a few episodes, even Dan was admitting that it was time to actually get up. As comfortable as he was nestled in Phil's arms, he was feeling sluggish.

"Alright boys," Jaime said, stretching as she stood, "it's time for presents, and I'm going first. Dan, be a dear and get what we need, will you? And don't forget one for Phil."

Ten minutes later, Dan emerged from the kitchen with three massive mugs in his hands. Each one was filled with what he and Jaime had dubbed the Ultimate Hot Chocolate. They were made with the best German chocolate Dan could get his hands on and milk (using water to make hot chocolate was a travesty). Each had a perfect combination of large and small marshmallows, and a swirl of whipped cream covered the surface of the hot chocolate. Overtop the cream was a handful of chocolate sprinkles, and a chocolate wafer was nestled on the side. Their recipe were the best creation Dan had ever made, and ever will make.

He passed the mugs out, and smiled at Phil's wide eyes and dropped jaw.

"Just wait until you taste it," Jaime laughed. She used her wafer to scoop a large amount of whipped cream into her mouth.

"It's a tradition," Dan said, following her. Phil, looking almost out of his depth at the sight of the hot chocolate, copied Jaime and Dan's movements. Jaime cheered with a mouthful of wafer. Dan let himself bask in yet another Christmas hot chocolate masterpiece before he nudged Jaime with his foot.

"Weren't we promised presents?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. Jaime snorted.

"You're lucky I love you, Howell."

She left her hot chocolate on the coffee table so she could reach under the plastic tree that she and Dan had set up a week ago. She pulled out three things, tossed one to Phil, and pushed the other two towards Dan.

"There you go mates, ho ho ho."

Dan opened the bigger present first, and gasped when he revealed a new Muse sweatshirt. It was from their tour earlier this year. He and Jaime had pooled their cash to get tickets and it had been the best damn concert he'd ever been to. Unfortunately neither of them had had the money to buy any merch after blowing it all to get tickets right in the front.

"Jaime how did you get this! These are expensive as hell!" Dan asked excitedly, already pulling the jumper over his head. She shrugged.

"Working over in London in this play has some perks. Open the other one."

Dan tore away the wrapping paper covering the smaller present. It was a candle about the size of Dan's palm, and it smelled like mangos and peaches.

"It's a subscription, so every month or so you'll get a new scent in the mail."

Dan hugged her, nearly spilling his hot chocolate.

"Thank you Jaime, you always know what to get me."

When he pulled away he looked over at Phil to see what Jaime had got him, and he smiled to see Phil flipping through the pages of a Stephen King novel.

Dan passed out his presents next, and Jaime had cheered at her set of hair dyes and bleach.

"You're dying your hair again, Howell! I have the means and the will!" She crowed. Dan laughed, but covered his curly hair with his hands. The color was still there, but it wasn't as vibrant as before. However, he didn't think that he would be coloring it anytime soon.

Phil kissed Dan sweetly after unwrapping his new set of patches for his jean jacket and a new controller for his Wii.

The present Phil had gotten for Jaime was simple yet sweet. It was a new sketchbook and a pack of high-end charcoals. On the inside cover Phil had drawn his own little cartoon, and a little note that read "At least I know you'll be better at this than me" and a little smiley face.

Phil first handed Dan what ended up being a ridiculously comfortable striped sweater. Phil then pressed an envelope into Dan's hands after Dan had thanked Phil up and down for what was probably an expensive gift if it's material felt that nice. Kind of confused, Dan opened it to reveal a key inside.

"It's your own for my apartment. You're over there a lot, and I'm often late. I think we'd both be happier if you didn't have to wait outside just because I have horrible time management. And, this is my way of saying that you can stop by whenever you want. You don't really have to keep texting me to ask anymore."

Dan tackled Phil in a hug, kissing him out of happiness.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you so much-"

Phil laughed at Dan's assault, stopping Dan's barrage of kisses by capturing Dan's lips with his own.

"You're welcome, Dan."

Growing up, Dan hadn't really enjoyed Christmas too much, or any holiday really. It always involved dressing up and going to his grandparents houses and seeing a ton of family who otherwise didn't really pay attention to him for the rest of the year. When he had been kicked out, Dan had feared that he would never get those holidays with family again.

But holidays with Jaime had been even better than his younger self could ever have imagined. And now that it was the three of them? Dan couldn't think of anywhere else he'd rather be.

#my fics #allyssaTM #i dare you to stay #fluff #dan howell #phil lester #au #ace!dan #this is so much fluff #i dare you to stay: chapter 18 #phanfic #phanfiction #phan #chaptered #idyts

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demonicheadcanons · 7 years

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RFA and V and Saeran being cheated on by MC

(AN: Remember, cheating is wrong guys. Don’t cheat on your partner(s). I’ve never been in the position of being cheated on, nor have I ever cheated on anyone, so I’m sorry if I write this at all poorly or mis-portray it in any way.

I should note that after each incident in all of these, MC leaves the RFA, or is just straight up kicked out of it. They will not stand for anything like this to happen.)

(Edit: This is very, very long. It’ll take some time to read through these haha. It’s just under 7200 words overall)

Zen

He wanted to trust you

But you were never at home any more. You were constantly on your phone at work, and you seemed to have very little time to spend with him nowadays. You blamed it on your managerial duties, but he knew you were much more organised than that, because just two months ago you had made a rota showing exactly when you would do work so that the two of you had free time to spend together

You’d disappear at night and would show up half-drunk in the morning, acting as if nothing had happened, and he was starting to get scared. His trust faltered and he didn’t really know what to do, not being a particularly confrontational person, especially seeing as he loved you so much he didn’t want to even think you could be doing anything behind his back

One day he decides to ask you what’s up, if everything is okay, but you swear up and down everything is fine, and he relaxes a bit, because surely his MC would never lie to him?

But then one day he’s dragged out to spend time with Seven and Yoosung (Zen was acting completely uncharacteristically, retreating into himself, lacking any real confidence). And then he sees you sitting in the café, giggling as the person across from you leans across the table to give you a quick kiss

Seven had noticed as soon as they had walked in, but Yoosung was still clueless. Seven was trying to get him and Zen out of the café, but Zen wasn’t having any of it

“Hey babe, you weren’t at work today,” he calls, walking over to you. You jolted back from the person you were sitting with, and stare at him, eyes wide with fear, almost looking upset, but mainly just guilty. “Hey, who’s this? You should’ve told me you wanted to go out to a café babe, I would’ve totally loved to come with you.”

You sit blushing and scared, unsure of what to do, as Seven and Yoosung walk up. Yoosung looks terrified now, looking anywhere but at MC. People are starting to quiet down a bit to listen in to what’s happening, many of them recognising Zen

Seven looks really, really pissed off, but he’s trying to diffuse the situation by getting Zen out of there. Zen stands his ground and glares at you and the person you’re with

“What do you mean, ‘babe’?” the person asks, glancing between Zen and you, clearly just pretending to be clueless about the situation, and Zen picks up on it immediately

“Oh, don’t even start. Everyone knows we’re dating, it’s been spread about everywhere,” Zen growls, lowering his voice so as not to cause too much of a scene. You tries to get up and raises your hands defensively, but Zen just takes a step back

“I tried everything to make you happy. I guess you’ll just never be satisfied with anything,” he tells you, turning on his heel. Before he leaves, he turns back and, although he’ s still angry, he just smiles at you. “You can come collect your stuff within this next week. After that, I’m throwing it all out.”

And then he leaves, and he just breaks. Seven and Yoosung rush him to Seven’s car, where he just starts sobbing and he curls up into himself and won’t speak for a long time. He loved you so much, how could you do this to him? Was he not good enough? He had dedicated so much of his time, love, and attention to you, and yet...

The look in your eyes when you had kissed that other person, he hadn’t seen that look in over a month. You had been growing more and more distant from him, he should’ve known

And almost as if he can read Zen’s thoughts, Seven turns around and tells him, “It’s not your fault, it’s yours, okay? You couldn’t have prevented this, nor could you have found out about it any earlier. Let’s go get some ice cream.”

Zen just nods and fights to regain his composure. He’s an actor, he can put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay, and no one would ever be able to see how broken he had just become inside

Yoosung

He was sitting playing LOLOL with his headphones on when you had gotten up and left the room, talking into your phone quickly and quietly. He couldn’t make out the words, you knew this, and so he just assumed you were taking a standard phone call

Until he saw that little smirk on your face as you glanced back at him, unaware he was watching you as you left. He smiled casually at you, and you quickly smiled back. Everything was fine

Right?

He messaged his guild, telling them he’d be right back, that he just needed to go talk to his partner, and then silently removed his headphones and got up

Surely he was just being paranoid, and everything was okay, but he was getting more and more nervous as he got closer and closer to the door to your shared bedroom. He put his ear up to it and listened, feeling guilty for eavesdropping, but he had to be sure things were okay

“Babe, I told you, you can’t call me when I’m at home. What if Yoosung finds out about us?.. Yeah, I will, I will... I love you, I promise, it’s just not easy because we’re married...”

You were talking in a hushed voice into your phone. He swallowed hard and opened the door, tears already forming in his eyes, but he was more angry than anything else in that moment

“MC... who are you talking to?” he asked, studying you carefully for anything to tell him that what he heard wasn’t real, that you were his with all your heart

But you just looked scared and guilty. A silence followed, and it seemed to drag on forever as Yoosung felt the tiny cracks slowly and steadily form across his heart, one by one, each sending a wave of pain through his body

“Get out.”

It’s barely a whisper when he speaks, but he knows from the look on your face, that pained look, that you heard him. How dare you act as if he’s hurt you, after what he just heard

“Yoosung, sweetheart... don’t do this,” you tried to beg, but he was done

“I said get out, MC. You have half an hour to pack whatever you need for the time being, you can come and get the rest of your stuff some other time, next week or something. Just... just get out of my sight, okay?!”

He turns and storms out of the room, fighting to keep the tears at bay, quickly wiping away the few that spill over his eyelids and run down his cheeks. He gets his phone and texts Seven, asking him to come over in about an hour or so

You follow along behind him for a little bit, begging him to just listen and telling him you love him and you’re sorry, but you quickly realise he doesn’t actually give a shit and that he’s counting down the minutes until you leave

You stand at the door with a suitcase in one hand and your bag in the other, staring at him nervously, biting your lip. He doesn’t even glance up at you, not until after he hears the door shut behind you. And then he waits until he hears you walk away. And then he bursts into tears, sitting at his desk, his arms crossed on it and supporting his head

He hears the door open not long later. Only you, him and Seven have a key to the place. He quickly wipes his eyes and looks up to see Seven looking at him, clearly very concerned

He drops the bag he’s holding on the sofa and in a second he has his arms wrapped around Yoosung in a tight hug, telling him it’s okay if he needs to cry, and asking if he can explain what’s wrong (“but it’s okay if you can’t right now. I’m here for you.”)

Seven stays with him for the next week, and when you come back to get your things, he stands firmly by Yoosung, stopping you from trying to come up with some kind of excuse for your actions

He even invites Yoosung to move in with him and Saeran, telling him it’d be so cool for the three of them to live together. He could use his special gaming equipment to play LOLOL (though god knows Yoosung doesn’t need to play any more of that – he’s barely showered or eaten in the last week, he’s just sat at his computer blankly playing LOLOL. Even his guild noticed something was up because he just seemed to be barely functioning)

Seven’s there for him every step of the way, and Yoosung knows this, but he struggles to pull himself together. He avoids all the places the two of you used to go together, gets rid of any photos of you together, and just breaks inside completely. He becomes a shell for a while before finally moving in with Seven and Saeran and returning to his old self a bit, with help from all the RFA members, but there’s still a pain there when he thinks about you. He feels as if he’s not enough for anyone anymore, and avoids dating for a long time, feeling like a toy that’s been chewed up and thrown away

Jaehee

(I’m not so sure how to write her yet, sorry if this is really OOC)

She notices you act odd around this one person who comes into the café every week

They start coming daily, and you spend longer and longer talking with them. You seem to form several inside jokes with them

Jaehee trusts you wholeheartedly and doesn’t think much of it, and she’s actually happy that you’re making such close friendships with customers

Actually tells you this to your face, ignoring that slight bit of guilt that shows in your eyes. It’s nothing, you’re probably just embarrassed by her compliments

But then you just seem to be getting closer and closer to this one person in particular, going so far as to touch each other casually at times, and even though it’s just light taps on the arms or shoulders, Jaehee can feel herself start to get uncomfortable

She isn’t sure what to do or what she’s feeling, and she wants to stay professional with the others so she doesn’t bring it up to anyone and just lets it fester

And then one day she’s out stocking up a few things for the house so that she can make you both something nice to eat after a long week of work, and she sees you with that one customer. Maybe you two just bumped into each other?

And then she notices you’re holding hands

And then she sees you lean in for a kiss

She turns around and leaves. When you get back to the apartment later, everything is all set and packed for you to leave, and she’s sitting with his arms crossed, staring at a blank TV and waiting for you to arrive. When you walk into the room, she calmly stands up and turns to face you, straightening down her skirt with her hands

“Hello, MC,” she says coldly, the warmth she had come to develop when around you completely gone. “I’ve packed your things for you. I hope your new partner allows you to move in with them, because you certainly aren’t staying here.”

You just stare at her, acting confused, but she stares back, calmly and coldly. She isn’t taking any nonsense, and she isn’t changing her mind on this

“Oh, and don’t bother coming to work on Monday. Or ever again, really,” she adds, turning away and sitting back down. “We can sort out any legal issues later, but for now, I want you to leave.”

She faces the other way until you leave, until the door closes, until the tears start spilling and she shuts her eyes tight, hugging herself and praying for this to all be a dream. She isn’t sure who to turn to, and she spends the next day on her own watching Zen’s musicals before actually messaging him and explaining what’s up

He comes over immediately, and the two sit on her sofa, just close enough for comfort but not close enough to be touching. He gets her to explain the situation, and then tells her that she mainly needs to remember it’s not her fault, and that it’s impossible to be able to know. It was great of her to have trusted you, and it was your fault for breaking that trust

She puts on a brave face and tells customers that you simply quit when they ask where you went, but they seem to be able to tell that something has happened. The person you cheated on her with never shows up again, and you quietly sort out all the legal issues over short phone calls and e-mails. The rest of the RFA find out about what happened, and Jaehee finds it entertaining when they have a whole chat just dedicated to telling her she’s great and that you’re a jerk for cheating on her

Zen does everything he can to bring her confidence back up, and over time it helps, but she can’t ignore the pain in her chest whenever she’s reminded of you. She still has days where she just feels empty, staring into the distance, unable to truly focus on anything. Eventually she moves, relocating the store and such so that she can change things up, getting rid of any reminders of you. She doesn’t see you around anymore, and she stops talking to you, and slowly she recovers

Jumin

He notices right away when you begin to grow more distant, and he asks you about it, but you brush him off. You go out a lot more now, and he gets worried for your safety, because there could still be people out there after you

So one day he sends out a bodyguard to follow along behind you, making sure you don’t notice, just so he can be sure that you are safe (and also that you’re not cheating on him, because he would definitely be worried about that – he’s scared he isn’t and never will be good enough for you)

The body guard comes back before you with a sour look on his face. He holds up his phone, showing pictures of you with someone else, laughing and having fun and holding hands and kissing

Jumin asks him to print the pictures out for him, before thanking him and asking him for some time to be alone. The guard asks what they should do about you, but he just tells him to let you in as normal and pretend all is okay.

He sits on the sofa with his head in his hands before texting Jaehee, asking if she can reschedule his meetings for today and tomorrow. She doesn’t seem happy about it, but he just texts ‘please, Jaehee’, and she seems to get that something is up and tells him to take care of himself, and that she will attend in his place where possible

He sits there for what feels like forever until he hears the door open, and hears you call his name. When you get to the room you look so happy and giddy, and he just turns around a gives you the coldest, saddest look you’ve ever seen. Your face falls, and you start to sweat and glance around

“Is something wrong, Jumin?” you ask innocently, approaching him slowly

He raises a hand, signalling for you to stop where you are, and stands up himself. He walks over close to you, pushes the printed photos into your hands, and glares at you as you look down at them and take a step back from him when you realise what they are

“Jumin... how did you get these photos?”

You look so scared and nervous and he is torn in two, half of him wanting to pretend nothing happened and protect you and make sure you’re okay, the other half bubbling with rage and wanting to just yell at you. However, he takes a deep breath and calms himself, knowing he must remain as civil as possible

“You could have told me you were unhappy, MC,” he begins, staring you in the eyes the entire time he speaks, seemingly unfazed, although you can see the little bit of pain in his eyes that he doesn’t have the energy to mask. “I would have done anything for you, you know that, and if things weren’t working out, you could have left. You are no different from everyone my father tries to get me to be with, using me for your own personal joys and ignoring how I feel. And you thought I would put up with that?”

“Jumin, I didn’t mean to-“

“No, MC. You clearly meant to. You don’t just accidentally cheat on someone. You put in a conscious effort to do this, to sneak out and to distance yourself from me. I have noticed the change in behaviour, that is why I had you observed today, and I was right. Now, we need to explain housing arrangements and such, because you can’t stay here, and you need to explain the situation to them. I assume they know about us being together?”

You nod quietly and he pushes past you and leaves the room, returning with a large suitcase which he pushes into your hands. “You have precisely one hour to pack up. You can stay tonight and even tomorrow night in a guest room if necessary if you cannot find anywhere else to stay, but you need to leave as soon as possible. I will not be accommodating for you any longer. You also may want to think about finding a job to support yourself, but maybe they will do that for you.”

And then he leaves you standing there in the doorway, quickly contacting a guard to come and watch over you as you pack up and to show you to your new temporary room. He goes and stands in his garden, staring off into the sky. After a bit, he calls V and explains the situation to him, unable to put a word on how he actually feels inside. The dark, rotten feeling that makes him feel hollow. The anger is still there, but it is weakened and he feels tired. V talks to him for quite some time, without anything much really being said between the two – Jumin was never one to talk all that much, and V wanted to give him the space he needed to recover, the silence to let him think

V offered to come over, but Jumin politely declined and instead decided he would focus all his time and energy on working. He called Jaehee and avoided any questions about how he was doing, saying that he could actually make it to the meetings tomorrow, and that if there was any more work to be done he would happily do it. Jaehee was sure something was up when he also suggested a few ideas for more cat projects, but said nothing of it and wished him well instead, telling him to get a good rest

He couldn’t sleep the entire night, and just wrapped up warm and stayed in his garden, staring out into the sky and trying to think, trying to feel anything other than empty and hurt and lonely. It had been a while since he had been so truly lonely that he was scared by it

He worked and worked and worked over the next while, long after you had moved out and gone on to continue your own life without him. He worked so hard that everyone was getting concerned – especially the RFA members, as he never showed up in the chat rooms anymore – and yet he still couldn’t get rid of these dark, indescribable feelings he was experiencing. He hated it. He felt ashamed, disgusted, betrayed, and so on, and he couldn’t get rid of it

He eventually began to settle into a better pattern, no longer overworking himself but ensuring he constantly had his thoughts occupied by something, whether it be with planning the RFA parties, or making up new ideas for cat projects, or his work. If he spent even a moment alone with his thoughts he became overwhelmed, and he had even ended up breaking things in his frustration at times when it became far too much for him to handle

He felt like such a failure. He had loved you so much and he had lost you so easily, and he just could never get over that

Seven/Saeyoung

Oh boy

He had been so scared of losing you to the agency, worried that they would come after you to get back at him, that he had gotten really, overly protective. He knew he was probably smothering you, and he was trying to loosen up a bit

You started leaving once a week, the same time every week, and he told himself things would be fine and that you were okay. But he couldn’t be sure. So, feeling incredibly guilty, he put a tracker on your phone just so that if something did happen, he could check it. He wouldn’t go near it otherwise

You left and returned around the same time every week, so he didn’t see any reason to worry. You were just having a bit of freedom, that was totally fine. As long as you promised to stay safe, and as long as you called him if anything went wrong, and as long as you came back in a tidy state and not too drunk it was okay

But one day you didn’t come back, and he began to panic. It had been ten minutes, twenty minutes, half an hour past your usually time of return. He was waiting, sitting with his back to the wall, watching the door. He was panicking, and Saeran was getting concerned himself as his brother’s state

An hour had passed and you still weren’t home. Something must have happened, right? You weren’t responding to his messages asking if you were okay, and if you needed a lift or something. He hadn’t heard anything from you

So he turns on the tracker, and sees you’re located in some random house somewhere. He’s confused and he just can’t think straight as he grabs his jacket and keys and goes to drive there. Saeran grabs him by the shoulders and grunts at him to stay safe, and then watches as he runs to get in one of his cars

He speeds the entire way there, trying his best to be careful but just wanting to get to you already. When he gets to the house, everything is eerily quiet. And then he hears you... laugh?

He runs up to the door and knocks. The person who opens the door just stares down at him blankly, and he quietly asks if you’re there

“Yeah, they’re here, what do you want them for?” they ask, looking nervous and confused

“I’m... I’m their boyfriend? I wanted to check if they were okay. They haven’t been responding to me at all,” Seven explains

He gets so scared when the person just laughs

“This is a funny joke. I’m dating MC, dude. There’s no way she would cheat...”

They stop when they see just how confused and hurt Seven looks. He doesn’t look quite all there, honestly, his eyes wide with panic and doubt and his breath catching continuously in his throat

The person turns around and calls for you to come to the door, begging Seven to hide to the side for a second so that you don’t see him. You come out, a drink in one hand, smiling and blushing lightly

“Hey babe, what’s up? Someone for me?” you ask

Seven steps up to the door and stares at you, looking so hurt and betrayed and confused, his eyes begging you to tell him this isn’t true, that this is all just some big, bad joke

But you just drop your drink and stare at him, mouth open, eyes wide in fear

“Sae... Saeyoung, what are you doing here?” you ask quietly

And he just glances at the other person, who looks equally confused and hurt as he knows he does right now, and he turns and walks away. He doesn’t know if you’re following him or not, and he tries to tell himself he doesn’t care when he can’t hear your footsteps behind him, but he does. He cares a lot

He gets in his car and drives off, not to anywhere in particular, and not back home. He ends up outside Yoosung’s apartment, and he sits in the car for a moment crying. He texts Yoosung asking him to come let him in to the building

Yoosung is at the door in seconds, asking him if everything is okay and what’s wrong and why is he crying?

When Seven doesn’t answer, choking back a sob, Yoosung just tackles him in a hug and they stand there for a while, Seven eventually hugging him back and trying his best to calm down and just think

They go in and sit down and Seven explains what happened as Yoosung gets them both a PhD. Pepper and something light to eat. Yoosung seems really shocked by the news, and he isn’t the best to give advice – especially concerning relationships – but he looks up at Seven and there is definitely anger in his eyes as he tells him that what happened isn’t his fault, and that he needs to cut you out, to make you realise what you did was wrong, and to stop you from hurting him again

They sit and relax for a bit, Seven finally able to clear his head a bit and think about the situation. He couldn’t have known, and seemingly the other person didn’t know either. He hoped they were doing okay

He had put his phone on silent and when he was walking back to his car, he finally checked it. Nothing from you, but a few messages from Saeran telling him he needs to come home right now

He sits for a second with his head in his hands, leaning his elbows on the steering wheel, before making his way back home. He opens the door and sees Saeran waiting for him, looking a bit frightened and concerned, but he covers it up immediately with his usual blank look

“They came home and they weren’t making any sense. They’ve just been sitting waiting. I didn’t know what to do,” Saeran explains

“They cheated on me. They’re not staying here,” Seven whispers to him, a light hiss in his voice as his anger rises

He walks in and sees you sitting on the sofa, curled up into a ball, looking so small and scared... But no, you messed up here, and you need to deal with that

Seven walks over, and you turn and jump up off the sofa as soon as you see him. You look so guilty, but he doesn’t care

“Why, MC?” he asks

“I... I just... I don’t know, I wanted some freedom, I felt so trapped here, and I went out one day and met them and I just...”

“I warned you about this. I told you not to get attached to me. I told you that when we were in Rika’s apartment! The first time we met, I warned you!” Seven barks, and you shrink away from him a bit

“I didn’t mean to, Seven, you know that... you know I love you, I promise I didn’t mean to, I just got so caught up in it...”

“You don’t love me. If you loved me, you wouldn’t sneak out every week to go see someone else. Clearly I’m not enough for you, so I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“But, Seven... Where am I supposed to go? Is there no way I can fix this?”

“No, you can’t. How am I to ever believe you won’t just turn around and do this again someday when you get bored and ‘feel trapped’? And why don’t you go stay with them, they seem to have a nice house.”

“They... they dumped me.”

Seven snickers, and you look so hurt. He turns around and goes to your shared room, pulling out a suitcase

“Here’s the deal. You have until the end of the day to pack up and get the hell out of here. I’ll let you come get the rest of your stuff then within this next month. You’ll have to ask ahead of time for access to the bunker. And then, after that, I don’t want to hear from you again. Understood?” Seven asks, glancing up at Saeran who is standing nervously at the bedroom door, watching the two of you. When Seven and him link eyes, he just nods at him, reassuring him that he’s doing the right thing

Seven shoves the suitcase in to your hands and walks out of the room. He feels Saeran’s hand on his arm, and he turns around, surprised

“Things will be okay,” Saeran tells him, and then he clears his throat, puts on that old blank mask, and retreats away to his room (he ends up hovering about, spending more time closer to Seven over the next few days)

Seven completely ignores you as you pack up your stuff and leaves. Then he goes in to your (old) shared room... it’s just his room now. He feels so empty yet overwhelmed at the same time. Today wasn’t supposed to be like this. He never thought anything like this would happen

He curls up on the bed and your scent is still lingering and he just starts sobbing

He overworks himself for the next while. It’s all he can manage. He makes programs and apps and little robots to distract himself from the constant dull ache in his stomach and chest. When he’s not working he tries to distract himself in other ways. It takes him a long, long time to recover, with Saeran and Yoosung spending a lot of time with him to help him on his way

He’s not going to go back to dating for quite a while

V/Jihyun Kim

You were out meeting up with some friends and he didn’t like to be in the apartment by himself, so he had gone out to a random park with his camera. He loved going out on walks in pretty places now that his eyes had been fixed. He had missed this so much

He invites Jumin to come with him, and the two stroll through the park and gardens together, chatting away like they did when they were younger (V does most of the talking, Jumin was never all that talkative). They pause every now and then so that V can take photos, and he tries to help Jumin take a few photos on his phone

V jogs on up a path and hides around a corner. When Jumin walks up to see what he’s doing, he pops his head around the corner and takes a photo (it somehow looks amazing even though he had only just stopped moving when he took it. V is the God of photography)

And then he sees you, walking down a path not far away, coming in their direction, but not really focusing on them as you talk to the person beside you. You’re holding hands with them, and you look very much in love

The image is burned in his head, and it takes him a moment to register what he’s seeing before he pulls Jumin to stand hidden beside him, listening as you get closer and closer. Tears fill his eyes and he just stares at Jumin, trying to figure out what he should do

Jumin didn’t see you, so he doesn’t quite understand what is happening and why V keeps telling him to be quiet and stay hidden. V shows him the latest photo. In the background, there you are, walking with this stranger, cuddled up to them and looking like a proper couple. Jumin’s face turns sour as he glares at the photo, and then he leans up against the wall, waiting for you to approach

As you turn the corner and spot the two of them, standing there, Jumin looking angry and V looking very, very hurt, you take a step back, letting go of the person’s hand and flushing bright red. You just stare at V, looking shocked and guilty, and he stares back, not really knowing what to do

The person laughs nervously and asks you what is wrong, and Jumin is the first to speak

“We’re friends of MC. How do you know them?” he asks, keeping his cool

“Oh, cool! I met MC a while ago, we’ve been dating for a few months, I thought they would’ve told their friends about me at least,” they tell him, and they laugh again, relaxing a little until they see V’s face and start to connect the dots

“A few months?” he asks quietly, feeling his heart start to crack and shatter in his chest. His heart was fragile enough already, why would you do this to him?

“Yeah... uh... about 3 months at this point I think?.. Is everything okay?” they ask, seeming concerned

“I’ve been dating MC for a few years,” V tells them, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. This can’t be real

Jumin puts a hand on his shoulder protectively, before forcing him to turn around and walk away. The person stands there looking shocked, before turning and talking to you in a hushed voice. They then turn away and walk off, leaving you standing on your own. You go after them, which shocks even Jumin. How could they mean more to you than V?

After they’ve walked for a bit in silence, Jumin pulls V into a tight hug and holds him there. V breaks, and starts going on about how it’s all his fault and he should have been better and he just wishes he could be enough for someone, for anyone, he just wants to be enough

Jumin gets Driver Kim to take them back to V’s place, where he just sits on the sofa, doubled over with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands

Jumin sorts things out over the next while. You won’t be returning, he’ll have your things sent to you, and he’ll stay with V for the next few days, ensuring that a maid takes care of Elizabeth the 3rd for him

V doesn’t really eat or drink much over those few days, and he refuses to talk to anyone much. He opens up to Jumin a bit, and Jumin keeps reminding him it’s not his fault, it’s not his fault, it’s not his fault

After a while, when Jumin is about to leave to go to his penthouse again as V is recovering and starts to take care of himself, V asks him to keep a secret and to take something with him

He hands him a small box, and Jumin’s face drops as he realises what it is. He looks up at V, who is starting to cry again as he stares at the small box

“When were you going to...” Jumin begins to ask, but he can’t finish the question

“That night. I had planned to take them out to dinner, and then go a walk in the park and ask them there, at midnight. It was to be a clear night and everything, the stars would be out, and it just seemed to be perfect...”

Jumin hugs him again, tight, and tells him to come to the penthouse as often as possible. V just nods and watches him as he leaves, before sitting down again the way he had when he had first gotten home after seeing you with the other person (according to Jumin, they had left you too, because they had been unaware of the situation also. You had been playing the two of them)

He stares at the floor as the tears fall. Why couldn’t he just be enough?

Unknown/Saeran

You were late meeting up with him. Of course, it had been arranged last minute, but he had been in the bunker and you had supposedly been out in the town anyway, close to the fancy little ice cream parlour that you were supposed to be meeting up at. What the hell was keeping you?

He texts you and gets no response, so he gets an ice cream for himself and then leaves to go look for you

He finds you a few blocks away, cuddled up in someone else’s arms, staring up at them lovingly as you say goodbye to them and give them a kiss

He drops the ice cream and stares for a second before getting angry and stomping up the two of you. You see him before he gets to you, and push the other person away quickly

“S-Saeran, what are you doing here?” you ask

“I was waiting for you, and you didn’t show up. So I came to find you. What the fuck is going on, MC!?” he growls, glaring at you and the person you’re with, who looks like they really don’t want to be there right now

“I’m sure this is some misunderstanding,” they start, and Saeran reaches out and just shoves them, telling them to just ‘fuck off’ and let him deal with this

They look uncomfortable and scared, but then they glance at you and realise the situation, and they walk away looking betrayed and fearful

And now you’re left to deal with the consequences of your actions as Saeran grabs you by the shoulders and forces you to look him in the eyes. He seems completely unfazed by your tears as you stand there shaking in his grip

“What. The. Fuck. Is going on?” he growls again, slowly, waiting for you to answer

“I... I didn’t mean to Saeran... I really didn’t,” you try to explain, gulping down sobs

He lets go of you, and takes a step back

“Am I not enough for you?” he asks, his anger showing clearly in his face

“No, no, Saeran you’re more than enough... I just... I... I’m sorry, I love you, I’m so sorry.”

“Save your apologies for someone who cares, MC. I’m done with this. We’re done.”

And then he walks away. When you run up and grab his arm, he just shakes you off and yells at you to go away and leave him be. He had trusted you so much, he had let you in, and you broke his trust. That made you a disgusting disgrace of a person to him

When he gets back to the bunker he throws his bag onto his bed and stares at the photo of the two of you on the bedside table

He reaches out and lifts it, rubbing his thumb gently over the frame, before throwing it across the room. Seven knocks on the door and opens it slowly and quietly, staring at Saeran as the hot tears bubble in his eyes and start to spill onto his cheeks and roll down his face

“Saeran... is everything okay? Where’s MC? I thought you two went out for ice cream?” Seven asks, walking into the room

“Leave me alone, Saeyoung.”

“What happened?”

“Leave me the hell alone!”

And then he starts sobbing, and Seven looks so shocked and confused and he just doesn’t know what to do. He tentatively walks over and wraps his arms around Saeran, not letting go of him even though he initially struggles and fights against him

Eventually Saeran relaxes and just buries his head in Seven’s hoodie and lets it all out. Seven tries to think of what to do, who to call, but you were the only person Saeran really let get close to them. Clearly this is about you. It doesn’t take Seven long to come up with a few possibilities – you had gotten hurt, you had broken up with him, or you had... cheated. Shit

“Saeran, they aren’t worth this,” he says quietly, and Saeran freezes in his arms and shoves him away gently. “Please explain what happened to me.”

“I caught them with someone else. We were supposed to be meeting up and I caught them with someone else,” Saeran explains quietly. “I don’t know what I did wrong.”

His voice catches in the last sentence, and Seven feels horrible. He tells Saeran to wait here one second, and he goes and gets his phone. He calls Yoosung and tells him to come over for takeout and stuff, and briefly explains the situation to him. He orders some food for Yoosung to collect on his way over, and then he calls you and you can tell he’s really suppressing his anger as he hisses for you to not come back, he’ll send your things to you. He hangs up before you get much of a chance to speak

Seven quickly changes the door’s passwords, so that you won’t be able to get in to the bunker even if you do show up, and then he goes back to Saeran and tells him to get up

He drags him to the sofa, makes him sit down and drink something, and then goes to the kitchen to sit and think about things

Meanwhile, Saeran sits on the sofa and just stares off in to space, ignoring his drink after Seven leaves the room. He can’t understand why people can’t love him, what did he ever do to become so unlovable? He knew he had messed up and made mistakes (being a part of Mint Eye being the main one), but he had been unlovable from the start, and he had convinced himself he was so used to being abandoned that it couldn’t hurt him anymore. It still did, though

Yoosung shows up after about half an hour, holding the take out, and the three of them eat in silence. Saeran barely touches his food, as Yoosung and Seven try to talk to him about what happened, offering whatever words of comfort that they can. Eventually they realise he doesn’t want to talk about it, so they change the topic instead and try to brighten the mood. Nothing works

Saeran retreats back in to his shell quite quickly, constantly reminding himself that he was not loved and that everyone was lying and that, eventually, they would all leave him too

(Finally finished oh my god this took hours and hours, coming to a total of around 13 pages on Microsoft Word, and about 7,200 words. I’m sorry if it seems OOC or rushed at all, I just really wanted to push through my writer’s block and get this done. Hope it was all okay. If you have any comments or anything, please send them to me ^^ Take care!)

#mystic messenger #break up #headcanon #zen #hyun ryu #yoosung kim #jaehee kang #jumin han #saeyoung choi #707 #jihyun kim #v #unknown #saeran choi #im so rusty at writing angsty stuff i swear #sorry if this is at all misrepresentative btw

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