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lightaflametoburnmethrough · 2 years

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A Study of YunaAki Analysis #3 - Healing & Choice

Akiho and Kaito.

I’ve talked about their characters separately in these two analysis posts and now I think it’s time I did one focusing on their relationship as well.

And frankly, you’d have to be very shallow-minded and stupid to not acknowledge that their story IS all about acceptance and consent.

(also, please note the ENG version of Clear Card has a lot of translation errors. Read the JPN version or meimi-haneoka’s summaries of the chapters for the correct narrative)

Acceptance especially because it reinforces the authors’ message on love: it’s not about WHAT a person is but WHO they are to you personally that matters the most.

Let’s start with a quick review.

Akiho and Kaito both had terrible childhoods.

Akiho was harshly criticized from an early age for not having any magic, which greatly damaged her self-esteem and left it in an almost crippling state. Then she was forced, without her consent or even knowledge, to go through a ritual that would turn her into something non-human for the sake of her clan’s greed.

Kaito was abandoned as a child and taken in by the shady Magic Association so they could exploit his impressive powers. They had no interest in raising him properly or helping him foster his own will, only calling on him when they needed someone to do their dirty work (ex. ordering him to take up rewind magic, which is known to shorten the caster’s life force). As a result, for the longest time, he only ever knew how to be someone else’s tool.

No family to protect them. No friends to talk to or play with. No one.

It is no surprise that they’d grow up struggling with depression when their very surroundings existed to traumatize them further into the submission of cruel and amoral people monsters.

It is also no surprise that when the opportunity came for them to escape that misery, they’re doing everything they can in their own respective ways to be free of the Squids + Association for good.

As someone who’s been through child abuse and is fighting against mental illness on a regular basis, I cannot even begin to explain how much I connect with these two. How much YunaAki’s journey means so much to me personally.

It has gotten to the point that I can only view them as the greatest concern of Clear Card.

Because I know for certain that nothing bad will happen to Sakura and her friends. The kind of story that CCS is and the genre it falls under will not permit anything but a safe and happy (and fair) ending for its heroine and all those acquainted with her. And CLAMP themselves reiterated several times that “Sakura will be alright.”

So there is really nothing for me to worry about there. Sakura has plot armor. She’s going to be perfectly fine and I’m glad for that because that means I can fully invest all my attention in the ones I relate to the most.

Yes, I do see myself in Akiho and Kaito.

Not to the same extent, obviously, since they’ve lived way more horrific lives that I was very fortunate to avoid.

But still, I can understand where their pain is coming from based on my own experiences growing up.

That’s probably why during their first scene together, when Akiho put herself down as a “bother” out of habit and Kaito immediately stepped in to reassure her “you have never once been a bother to me”, I automatically knew without a doubt there was nothing remotely toxic about their relationship.

Because if he were taking advantage of her, if he did harbor ill intentions, there could’ve been other ways for him to tie her to him. With guilt or psychological manipulation or whatever. However, his words held no deception and clearly showed only a need to make sure Akiho was okay first. All the weight of what’s important was transferred to Akiho...leaving none for himself.

With Kaito, there’s always an emphasis on Akiho’s well-being before anything. He’s not always 100% good at handling that (because he’s human and therefore, flawed and prone to making mistakes like the rest of us) but it’s very obvious he always wants to do what’s in Akiho’s best interests.

Furthermore, the fact that Akiho isn’t afraid of him, is comfortable with him in her presence, speaks volumes of how positive an influence Kaito has been in her efforts to move past the ordeal that was her early childhood.

Because please remember, when Akiho was still living under her clan, all she was ever told (by her own kin) was that she was “useless”.

They didn’t have a single kind word to say to her. They constantly scorned her and left her alone with only books for company.

So whenever someone approached her, she’d be overtaken by fear. Fear that she’ll disappoint again. Fear that she’ll cause a burden just by existing as “useless”. Fear of being hated.

Do you have any idea how cruel it is to instill those thoughts into a little girl at an age when she’s just beginning to develop her sense of self?

How messed up does one have to be to ever think it’s okay to treat a child like this? To deny them the love they deserve and punish them for things they have absolutely no control over?

This isn’t some bullshit method to “build character”. Degrading someone, bullying someone repeatedly for whatever reason will never be anything but harmful and there can be absolutely no argument that the victim is always the one who’s going to be hurt the most.

This is exactly why Kaito taking Akiho away and refusing to return her to the custody of the Squids and the Association was the best decision he ever made.

It was the first step towards freeing Akiho (and him) from her abusers, from the ones determined to chain them down so hard that they’d never dream of defying them.

Over the years they traveled together, Akiho and Kaito changed. They learned for the first time what it felt like to not suffocate under someone else’s control and judgement. They began to truly live and grow as their own persons because they were in the company of the right people.

And that was each other.

Everything that we’ve seen about their journey up to Tomoeda, everything we’ve heard Akiho or Kaito or Momo share about their time together before reaching Japan supports that.

First of all, Kaito made the conscious choice to go with Akiho because he did not want her to stay among people who wanted nothing more than to destroy her for their own gains.

He knows better than anyone what kind of environment it is to live among power-hungry magicians. Even at such a young age, he was perfectly aware that he was only in the Association because his powers were wanted, not because he was.

That’s so fucking depressing. For Kaito, who was still just a little boy back then, to become so disillusioned with the world that he lost hope that anyone would care enough about him for him and not his magic. It got to the point where he couldn’t bother to care about himself anymore, only eating the minimum to get by and letting the Association use him as they pleased until his life finally expired.

If he turned out like that, that what would become of the girl who had no powers at all? How much worse would it be for her?

So much worse.

Because even Kaito couldn’t have predicted that the magicians would jump on his comment about her being “like a blank book” as a reason to turn her into a guinea pig. He said those words hoping they would realize since she’s of no use to them, they can let her go live a normal life...which was something he couldn’t have.

He wanted Akiho out of the magic world and tried to do that even before they met.

Despite having little frame of reference for human kindness, Kaito still possessed a lot more of it than all the members of the Squids and Association combined.

Akiho was still a stranger to him then, their only connection being that Kaito spoke with her mother, Lilie, a couple of times. He didn’t know Akiho yet but he didn’t want this poor, orphaned, innocent little child to suffer.

So you can imagine the guilt that wrecked him when he later found out the ritual, the experiment to alter Akiho’s body into a storage item for all the world’s magic, was a success.

Kaito was the most powerful magician in the Association. There’s nothing, no magic he couldn’t master. Yet the one thing he wanted to do (i.e. free Akiho), he failed because he underestimated how twisted these magicians could be.

Therefore, when the chance presented itself on who would travel with Akiho around the world...he took it. He volunteered to go and never looked back once he and Akiho set off on their journey.

For Akiho’s sake, he was never going to let her return to the place where there was nothing for her but despair to begin with.

Then during the years they spent together, he made another conscious decision.

To be the exact opposite of how her clan treated her. Where the Squids neglected and always harshly reprimanded Akiho, Kaito chose to be kind and gentle and understanding.

He talked and listened to her when nobody else did.

He learned to cook, to perform domestic chores, to do anything that would make Akiho’s life a little more comfortable and happier than it was before she left her clan.

He asked for her preferences, offered her options and most importantly, never demanded anything from her. Because 1) he was in no position to due to the pretext of his “job” as her caretaker/attendant and 2) his primary goal seemed to be creating an environment where Akiho would learn that it was normal to choose for herself and want to be happy.

Because the Squids were never going to give her any of that. They want Akiho’s soul to be erased in order for the artifact to be completed. As Kaito said in chapter 35, it would be easier for them to control something that had no will.

An instrument is meant to be used as such. It’s a tool. A tool doesn’t have a personality or feelings. It cannot resist orders.

That was what life was like for Kaito when he was still employed in the Association. They preferred a Kaito who didn’t care, who didn’t question things and just did as he was told. They did not teach him how to think for himself so they could continue to manipulate him into using his powers for their ambitions.

That is a violation of consent, especially so because Kaito was still a child when it happened. Being so young and so emotionally deprived, he did not have the capacity to fully comprehend the extent of something so important...and the magicians took advantage of that.

And Kaito likely became more aware of how wrong his situation was after he came to know Akiho. Akiho, who was now going through the same thing he did with the added dread of literally losing everything that defines her as Akiho forever.

That’s why he’s so desperate. He’s doing everything he can to make sure that won’t happen. He doesn’t want Akiho to end up worse than he was. A doll with no mind of its own for other people to abuse over and over and over.

It is through these actions of his - of being caring and kind towards Akiho, of reassuring her through her self-deprecating episodes and encouraging her to not be afraid to choose - that allowed her real self - a warm, bright, energetic and compassionate young girl - to finally come out from hiding.

She gradually began to trust him, to be more open with him, to smile for him and express gratitude and concern for him...and through interacting with her, he came to know his own heart. He became aware of his own humanity along with the feeling of what it’s like to love someone and be loved in return.

What they severely lacked from the adults who were supposed to act as their “legal guardians”, they found in each other.

That’s where healing starts.

By being around those who lift you up, not pull you down.

What Akiho got out of this relationship was a person who truly cherished her for her and not what she did or did not have. Kaito is her first friend, her first confidant, her first sense of it meant to have a family. It was because of Kaito that she could finally believe she wasn’t alone in the world. That there was someone out there who could accept her for who she was, not what she was.

What Kaito got out of this relationship was a person who treated him like a real person and not a convenient errand boy. Akiho inspired him to care, bringing out the gentle sides to him that he didn’t know he had because the environment he was “raised” in stunted his ability to empathize. He began to do stuff he normally wouldn’t do because they were a “hassle”. He found far more meaning and purpose with her (even in the most mundane things like brewing tea) than he ever did with the Association. He didn’t need to be powerful or possess magic to have worth. He just needed to form a true connection with the right person and through that, he would no longer be lost on what to do with himself.

So it is not at all unnatural for them to come to love each other beyond measure. To even fall in love with one another because nobody Akiho or Kaito knew before they met went as far as they did for each other. Because nobody YunaAki knew before each other could really comprehend the hell they went through. At least, not better than they themselves can.

Not even Momo or Lilie or even Sakura, the closest people to YunaAki there are.

Sure, Momo has her own history and share of tragedies and possesses a lot of wisdom, making her more than qualified to be the parental figure YunaAki direly need. But her nature as a supernatural, ageless being is the degree of difference that sets her apart from her charges.

Momo is a witness to their journey, their ever protective guardian but she is not the one for either Akiho or Kaito and she knows this. Which is why she always pushes YunaAki to become even closer because if there’s anyone who can help them fight their demons the best, it’s each other.

Momo watched these two grow up in front of her own eyes so nobody knows better than she does that there isn’t anyone else that’s as suitable for Akiho as Kaito is and vice versa.

Also, as their responsible chaperone, Momo wouldn’t have let Kaito near Akiho if he were truly a danger to her, much less agree to contract with him in the first place. The fact that Momo still remains on Kaito’s side as of right now in the story (ch 61) is the most solid proof that Kaito isn’t scheming to hurt Akiho.

Then Lilie. Lilie was the first person to ever approach and treat Kaito like a human being. She didn’t seek him out for his powers but rather, appealed to him like a motherly/auntie figure would to a kid by offering him snacks and spending time to talk with him.

Her genial effort to guide Kaito onto the path he’ll eventually take left a strong impression on him, yes...but it was never meant to be more than that.

Lilie is not the one either and she also knew this.

Because she saw the future in her dreams, already knew that Kaito and Akiho would meet and paved the way for that so that Kaito would take the initiative to go to her daughter on his own accord. Because Lilie already had her own beloved, knew what it was like to have that one special person to love above all others, and wanted Kaito to be able to find his as well because doing so would save him.

But also because despite them both being very powerful magicians, they led very different lives. Whereas Lilie was actually valued among the Squids and enjoyed a certain amount of freedom and grew up with a healthier mindset because of it, Kaito was blatantly used as a magical resource by the Association with no regards to his emotional needs as a child, resulting in him having the lowest opinion of himself.

Just like Akiho, her own daughter, would as well.

Knowing these two needed someone, and not just anyone but someone who could truly understand their personal plights and know how to support them, Lilie made the decision to say these words to Kaito so that they would act as a beacon in his mind towards his future:

The “like/love” that belongs only to you is surely waiting for you out there, waiting for you to realize (them)

“You will come to know love. And you’ll know it is love because there’s nothing else in the world that can make you feel that way”

It’s Akiho. Because Akiho is the one who moved Kaito to make the very first decision for himself in his life. She’s the only one who could and can drive him into action, to make him feel anger and sadness and want to fight this hard for something.

Everything Kaito does, it is for Akiho’s sake. To change the impending fate of her losing her soul. To give her a world where she no longer has to cry.

Lilie saw this in her dreams and pushed Kaito towards it so the future where YunaAki save each other could be fulfilled.

Finally, Sakura. Sakura is the personification of CCS’s main message (that unconditional love should not discriminate) as well as the ally YunaAki need right now.

She is a person who will prove to YunaAki that she is worthy of their trust after so many betrayals they went through. She won’t judge them or turn them away but instead choose to help them because that’s the right thing to do. Because warmth, hope and compassion are the cruxes of her character.

She will definitely not stand for YunaAki getting less than a happy ending after everything they’ve had to endure.

However, Sakura is not the one either.

Because there's a limit to how much she can comprehend about either Akiho or Kaito’s pain. Even with the synchro “assisting” her somewhat in empathizing with Akiho through dreams, those are still not Sakura’s feelings, memories and experiences. They are Akiho’s and cannot be transferred to anyone else.

Akiho and Sakura are very distinct from each other, individual of each other because of that. Therefore, the depths Sakura can reach can only go this far.

Adding onto it, the rest of the original CCS cast come from very privileged homes where love, support and protection were always available to them. They were never lacking in what mattered most.

So it would be very difficult for them to try and navigate through a situation as horrible, heartbreaking and complicated as YunaAki’s. Considering the majority of them are still children themselves with barely any experience into how the real world works (and most of them can’t be told the secrets of magic anyway) while the Clow faction is more inclined to protect Sakura than anything, it’s hard to picture any of them having a genuine interest in wanting to truly know the newcomers of this arc.

There aren’t enough significant bridges established between YunaAkiMomo and the members of Sakura’s group for that to be portrayed believably.

Don’t get me wrong, they’d still show sympathy because they’re good people, after all. Any decent person would when they hear about the atrocities of abuse or the serious trauma caused by mental illness.

But the way this story is structured so centrically around its main heroine, I doubt anyone except Sakura can manage to close the distance with YunaAki. And even then, because of the reasons above (and how much YunaAki will actually let her in into that part of their lives), she can only do so much.

Which is fine. It’s not something to fault Sakura or the other characters for. The important thing is that when someone is in trouble, another person steps up to help those in need. And that’s Sakura’s role in YunaAki’s story. That’s more than good enough from her.

However, for Akiho and Kaito to be able to truly overcome the obstacle that is their pasts, I believe it is the most crucial that they have at least that one special person who they know can accept them wholly and whom they can be totally free in front of.

Free to share their thoughts and feelings without that reluctance of possibly being a burden to the other.

Free to talk, cry, rage and completely let go about everything that upset them and still be there to hold each other through it all, tirelessly reassuring “you’re going to be okay, I’m here for you”.

Akiho and Kaito deserve someone who will know the right words to say and the right things to do in order to comfort them, to help them heal. They deserve that one person who they’ll look to when they feel insecure and their anxiety will vanish because “you know me, you get me without trying, you understand even without me having to explain.”

Ch 61 pretty much confirms that’s the case as far as Akiho’s side goes. A developing case, at least.

Sakura had offered to listen to whatever Akiho wished to share on Akiho’s terms (ch 56) and for that, Akiho was grateful.

However, the fact that Akiho hasn’t done so yet shows that she still needs time before confiding in her friend about her family affairs which are tied directly to the most vulnerable parts of herself.

On the other hand, with Kaito in ch 61, Akiho really didn’t worry at all about taking up his time. When she asked if they could talk a little, she already knew he’d be willing and ready to listen, just as he always is (for her).

Because he’s known her for far longer than Sakura does (years as opposed to Sakura’s few months) and most importantly, Akiho knows that Kaito is aware of her coming from a clan of magicians. This is not information outsiders (which Sakura falls under) are privy to so for her to speak openly about the Squids in front of him...it not only proves he’s not an “uninvolved person” but also shows how much she trusts him to discuss something so personal.

And when he defended Akiho against her reiterating the clan’s disappointment (”in the end, she (I) can’t do anything”), she was only lightly surprised before she smiled and shook her head at his apology for acting out of line.

As if saying, “It’s okay, I know you meant well. I know you got mad for my sake.”

Akiho doesn’t have it in herself yet to be angry at her clan...so Kaito gets angry for her instead.

With that, she knows that she’s cared for. With that, she knows he feels and cares for her very much.

And that’s all Akiho ever wanted, really. A person to be on her side.

Because she has that, because she has Kaito, Akiho has already become stronger than her scars of the past. Sure, the pain will still be there because it always hurts to not be wanted by your own family...but that no longer matters as much as the present she has now. The present where she has friends who swore to do anything to help her and not let her feel lonely. The present where she can smile happily from the bottom of her heart.

The present Akiho that became possible because Kaito was there to understand her, defend her and fight for her.

Nobody ever did that for Akiho and nobody after Kaito will ever go to the lengths he did for her either. Because nobody else loves Akiho as much as he does.

And now Akiho wants to do the same for him. Because she cares greatly for him, too. Because he’s her most important person and she truly loves him and doesn’t want to lose him.

Even though Akiho isn’t aware of Kaito’s powers or the secrets he’s been keeping behind her back at the moment, that doesn’t mean she’s going to abandon him when she learns about them. Especially when he was the first person to ever accept everything about her and do everything within his ability to make her happy.

It would be extremely OOC of Akiho to act that way and go against everything the authors have built and established about these characters.

That a relationship goes both ways, not one.

That a relationship is not easy, perfect or automatic. It requires time and patience and learning to get through the hurdles and barriers between two people.

For Kaito, that is more terrifying than dying because all his life, he’s only ever known of being used by others, including himself in his goal to save Akiho. So it makes sense why he harbors distrust against the world. Why it’s so difficult for him to believe he can be anything good for Akiho.

He can give and give and give...but he refuses to receive help from her in return.

He thinks so little of his own welfare, is so full of self-loathing and on top of that, carries the immense guilt of putting Akiho in this situation when in reality, he was only doing what he could to prevent it. And there was no guarantee that she would’ve come out safe even if he didn’t make that “blank book” comment because the Squids, being the psychopaths they are, surely would have thought up other cruel uses for her even if they didn’t turn her into an artifact.

Yet he still sees it as his responsibility to correct it. To do whatever he can to eradicate the danger planted inside her by the magicians. He’s willing to give his very life to apologize to Akiho because he doesn’t think he can make it up to her any other way.

However, anyone can die. It’s not difficult to die.

It’s living that is so much harder.

But at least, by properly facing your feelings, you have the chance to release all that inner turmoil and anguish trapped inside. After that, the “load” on your chest doesn’t feel as excruciating and you can slowly work on getting better.

......in theory, it’s easy to say. In actuality, it’s not easy to do.

Because to understand yourself...requires having to relive all your horrible experiences, nightmares and regrets before coming to terms with them.

When I began my sessions with my therapist, it took me several weeks of crying out all the emotions I’ve bottled up for over 20 years before my mental state went back to being relatively stable. Though it was liberating, at the same time it was very difficult to work up the courage just to talk about it. It felt so awful to feel all that pent up hurt just hit me at max capacity.

So imagine how much worse and scarier it is for Kaito, who is shouldering so many issues right now and not once has given himself a relief from them. His severe low self-esteem that left him convinced he’ll always be alone, that no one would miss him if he’s gone. The painful solitude he still remembers before Akiho came and changed all that. The massive guilt that crushes him every day over how he put his most important person in the situation she’s in now and how that same guilt is what’s keeping him from reaching out to comfort her because he doesn’t think he has the right to be close to her.

The distress over how he and Akiho are running out of time (his health rapidly deteriorating because of using too much rewind and the artifact starting to shut out Akiho’s consciousness), the pressure of Sakura’s group closing in on him now that Sakura is aware he’s a magician, the fear that he won’t be able to protect Akiho from the European magicians...and the persistent determination to save Akiho nonetheless in spite of all these odds against him.

Not to mention, another danger of someone’s magic possibly going berserk during this whole mess. Because remember, in CCS, people’s powers are connected to their emotions. So if he loses control over his magic because of that, there’s no telling what harm may befall him or Akiho or anyone involved.

Subconsciously, Kaito might have realized this...which may be one of the reasons he’s turning a blind eye to his feelings. To maintain control of the situation.

He cannot risk getting distracted, not even for a moment. He can’t allow himself to let down his guard at anytime because doing so might just mean losing everything he’s worked so hard to achieve up till now.

And that’s a common defense mechanism, really. We all hide behind a smile, sweep what’s bothering us underneath the rug, in order to try and function normally throughout the day.

Nobody wants to suddenly find themselves in a meltdown. Nobody wants to feel so vulnerable, lost and utterly helpless when they can no longer deal with the weight of their problems and crash from that.

Not to mention, it’s so obvious that Kaito’s the type that loathes to be a burden to his loved ones and you can see it in the way he always deflects Akiho whenever she shows concern for his health and begs him to rest.

He’s always like “Please don’t worry about me, think of yourself first.”

Again, he doesn’t think he deserves to receive Akiho’s kindness so he often tries to steer the conversation away from him and make her the subject again.

But this also stems from his struggle to really trust anyone, to be willing to rely on others for support and not do everything alone.

Not only is Kaito adamant that Akiho shouldn’t be plagued with his problems, he also doesn’t believe she can bear the weight of them. In other words, the truth about himself.

That he’s a magician and a powerful one at that. That he used to be associated with the people who put her through that ritual. That his “blank book” remark is the cause for why she’s in this predicament even though that was never his intention.

That he planned all this. Taking her from Europe all the way to Japan, letting her meet Sakura, synchronize with Sakura, all for the sake of his wish (to save her).

How would Akiho react to that? Would she detest him? Hate him for what he’s done, what he is? A calculating magician who’s been manipulating the events around her newfound best friend?

It’s such a terrifying idea, the thought of the person you love most hating you.

And it gets even scarier because what if the shock of the reveal breaks her heart and belief in people forever? Then Akiho will never be happy.

If there’s a risk of that, then Kaito will surely think it’s not worth it to tell her. Moreover, it’s far too dangerous with the current circumstances. The seals he placed on the artifact (ch 35) have already been broken (ch 49) just by Akiho’s sadness breaking to the surface in response to Sakura’s words about wanting her friend to be happy.

The progression of the artifact is triggered by Akiho’s emotions and if she feels anything of intense negativity, then she (her soul) can be instantly swallowed up and he’ll lose Akiho.

It’s not worth it. If not knowing keeps her safe, Akiho never has to learn the truth about him. As long as she can smile and have a warm future, he’d be glad to erase himself from her life. He’d be happy to die for her (the reply to her “the moon is beautiful”/“I love you”).

He believes he isn’t of any value to anyone anyway so what loss will there be if he’s forgotten by the end of all this?

But Kaito underestimates just how strong Akiho really is, especially when it comes to her feelings towards him.

There is no way her love is that weak that she’d be okay about letting him leave her like that. She’s constantly on his case, telling him he should rest because she can see through his perfect mask how fatigued he is. She’s always worrying about him and becomes so sad when he won’t let her do even that.

Akiho’s willing to go through any lengths to protect Kaito as well, just like he’s been doing for her this entire time.

And she’s demonstrated that when it comes to perseverance and courage, she is the stronger of the two of them.

Akiho isn’t afraid of getting hurt and it shows because every time Kaito brushes her off, she comes back and tackles harder. She’s essentially telling him “rely on me, you don’t have to be afraid, I’m here for you”. She can handle any turbulence that comes their way because she knows her love for Kaito is greater than any hardship she’ll face. She knows it’ll be alright as long as she has that.

So even if she does get shocked by the truth, it’s only going to be a minor bump in the road compared to fearful prospect of losing her most beloved person forever.

The truth is, Akiho has always been fighting since the beginning even before she met Kaito. And she’s only gotten more resilient with time thanks to Kaito removing her from her poisonous clan and bringing her into a safe space so that her true self can properly flourish as it’s meant to.

Akiho resisted giving into bitter hatred when she had every right to lash out against the world for what it’s done to her. She retained her kindness and compassion and chose to focus on what’s most important to her: the bonds with the people she cares about.

So the issue of whether she can accept the truth about Kaito or not is pretty much nonexistent. Because she loves him for who he is, not what he is.

The person she fell in love with is the Kaito who she’s known for years, has been by her side for years. The Kaito who took care of her, supported her and gave her everything she’s ever wanted and needed.

So what if he’s a magician? That’s just one part of him. It doesn’t wholly define him and it isn’t a problem for her to unconditionally love that aspect of him as well.

Because please, please, please understand, what hurt Akiho the most wasn’t magic itself but people that did. It was the heartless, selfish community (with their fucking goddamn ableism mentality) she was born into that ostracized her and made her feel like shit. Not magic.

Akiho may be young but she’s not dumb. She knows how to tell good people and bad people apart. Therefore, there certainly can be good magicians that stand apart from bad magicians as well.

Sakura’s definitely a good magician and would never make Akiho cry or cause her to feel less for not having any powers. And Akiho adores Sakura and cherishes their friendship so much that something as trivial as magic can’t stand in the way of how dearly think think of one another.

So if Akiho is determined to hold onto this bond she has with Sakura, how the hell can anyone fathom she wouldn’t want to do the same for her relationship with Kaito, who isn’t just the most important person in her life but also the very first good person she’s ever known? The first good magician who’s also currently fighting tooth and nail against death to free her from that society that still wants to hollow her out into a husk?

That’s absurd.

Again, Kaito means so much more to Akiho than what he is. He’s more than just her caretaker, more than just a magician. He’s an extremely kind and devoted young man who had a very unfortunate upbringing and is tormented by the past.

He’s just like her.

That’s why, even before she learns the truth about him, Akiho already on some level knows him. She’s had years to observe him and his mannerisms and behavior.

And because they’re so similar, she can definitely understand him and relate to his pain better than anyone else can. It’s not the magic she sees, it’s the person he is.

Akiho is more than strong enough to accept Kaito and support him through his troubles. Nobody’s forcing her to and she’s not doing it out of obligation. She chooses Kaito because she wants to of her own will.

Honestly, this kind of connection is incredibly rare (even among non-romantic love as well). For someone who can see everything you are, the good and the less than ideal parts, and say “I will accept all of you, I am not afraid to love you.”

It does not mean omitting their faults. Rather, it’s the strength to acknowledge, embrace and forgive the fact that nothing is perfect. It’s to not let your perspective be ruled over by prejudice. To not let one small, superficial aspect stain the beauty of the entire picture.

So what if Akiho can’t do magic? That’s not going to make Kaito love her any less because he’s already seen, already knows, that just having magic can never compare to a fraction of the sum of all the great qualities Akiho does possess. And he knows this better than anyone because he’s been with her longer than anyone else has to witness them!

So what if Kaito is a magician? That doesn’t erase all his efforts to help her escape her toxic family and his desire to keep her safe from harm. It doesn’t negate his pure feelings of wanting Akiho to receive the happiness she truly deserves. That is what’s matters. That is what’s always going to mean more to her than anything.

YunaAki are never going to forget those things, the most important things, about each other. Nothing can make them, it’s impossible.

The way their characters are written, separate and around each other.

The way their relationship is portrayed with layers upon layers of complexity, transcending things like age or gender or sexuality.

The reason why CLAMP suddenly brought the phrase “ 私だけの人” (“The only person for me”) into the story right when we’re reaching the start of the climax of CC. Right when we’re finally getting the overdue extended exposition into Akiho and Kaito’s pasts.

The incredible stroke of luck that out of probably a billion chances, YunaAki were able to find the one special person meant solely for them and them alone.

It is to illustrate the authors’ intentions regarding these two persons. That no one else can love them better, can love them the best, than they do each other.

YunaAki aren’t only compatible because they’ve got similar backgrounds (and therefore, also have similar understandings) but also because they have a special sensitivity to one another that nobody else does.

Even though their real personalities are quite different (Akiho being more optimistic and outgoing with Kaito being more moody and cynical), when they’re around each other, they show sides of themselves that no other person has that ability to bring out.

Kaito’s eyes don’t soften so gently for anyone else but Akiho. He’s not attentive towards anyone else like he is towards Akiho.

When she’s hurting, he so evidently aches for her as well and you can see it in all the expressions he makes whenever he’s around her.

And when Akiho is super happy or wishes to discuss something she feels very deeply for, it’s always about Kaito.

Nobody else can get her to smile, so warmly and brimming with quiet but potent affection, like Kaito can.

“The one who brings out the best in me is you. The one who makes me feel the most beautiful and precious is you. The one who will give me the greatest despair is you if I ever lose you.”

The only one.

The one they can’t afford to spare, not even for the world. The most important one.

Which is why they’re fighting. At the end of the day, it’s not about who wins but what one must do in order to not lose.

Putting everything on the line for the sake of love. As proof of one’s love.

I believe this is the narrative Ohkawa-sensei is going for here. And you know it is because this theme is universal in CLAMP’s works and has actually been stated by Ohkawa herself (check the wiki, I believe she said it a press conference).

Well okay, we get all that about acceptance and what’s important but where does choice fit into this spiel then, hm?

Because yes, even if Kaito is intent on saving Akiho and hiding things from her for her own safety (reminder that the artifact can activate at any moment), Akiho will not approve of him trying to force-give her happiness this way, especially at the expense of his own life.

...among several other problems since we still don’t know the exact details of his plan. The only things about it that has been confirmed by Kaito’s own words are:

1) He needs Sakura to manifest a specific card in order to activate Momo’s book, the pivotal key to accomplishing his wish.

2) Sakura’s other Clear Cards (and possibly the artifact inside Akiho as well) can act as some sort of “fuel” to power Momo’s book or the taboo of the book or whatever.

In short, some sort of spell is needed to save Akiho. So what is the purpose of this spell? What does it do?

There are a bunch of theories going around including Kaito possibly wanting Akiho and Sakura to switch lives (though ch 61 seems to be disproving that atm) or trying to the reverse the state of Akiho’s body to the moment before she underwent the ritual. Maybe he might even want to create a copy of Sakura’s “perfect” life (thereby messing up the time-space continuum?) ...but make it so it’s a world without magic and insert Akiho in it?

We don’t know and none of us can claim confirmation about anything until CLAMP finally reveals Kaito’s intentions in future chapters.

What we do know is that Kaito sees absolutely no hope of him coming out of this alive.

The repeated use of rewind magic causes him severe seizures and now he’s passing out from the exertion of it as well. Kaito barely has enough left in him to even stand and yet, despite Momo warning him against it multiple times, he refuses to listen.

Because saving Akiho means so much more than preserving his own life, which in his mind is just a small price to pay.

Because he believes Akiho must choose happiness for herself. Whatever that means, whatever he envisions for her as “happiness”, he needs her to choose that.

That’s probably what he’s been conditioning her to do from the beginning when they started traveling together. That’s why he’s always offering her options , to get her into the habit of choosing what she prefers. To think about what she wants.

“Please don’t worry about me (I am of no value), think about yourself.”

Choose a normal life where she can have a loving family and good friends and a future.

Choose a life where there is no magic which consequently means a world without him since the only thing he sees himself useful for is his magic.

Kaito seems convinced that magic is the source of Akiho’s pain...so without it, without him who unknowingly cursed her into her fate, she can finally be free.

But that’s just what Kaito believes in that stubborn head of his, drowning in all his internalized self-hatred and guilt. Again, right now, he has no idea just how much Akiho loves him and how much it will hurt her if they’re torn apart.

As long as he remains unaware of her true feelings, he will continue to go down the wrong path. He will continue to avoid facing his heart and his death will cause Akiho an even greater grief than any actual happiness he wishes for her.

He will not realize that his pursuit for an ideal world for Akiho is what effectively deprives her of her choice on what happiness means to her.

And that’s to be with Kaito, her most beloved person, always.

If Kaito dies, they lose that forever. They cannot go back on it.

That’s why it is extremely crucial that Akiho confess to him again, this time with the more direct “I love you”.

Only by getting across to Kaito that she loves him dearly, that she sees him as special and the one person she doesn’t want to live without, can it put a halt to this downward spiral of self-destruction.

Moreover, by choosing Kaito over a “perfect world”, Akiho will teach him the real meaning of the word “choice”.

That she chooses Kaito for him and not his magic. That even with magic, she can accept all of him because there isn’t a single thing about him that she doesn’t love.

And just as he chose of his own will to save her and give her freedom, Akiho will choose him to give him his - to free him from the belief that he’s destined to be alone.

By knowing he is not alone, that he is cared for and loved by someone, Kaito can begin to properly heal. He can finally learn to trust someone, to believe that he too has a right to live, to have a place to belong to in this world (with Akiho, by Akiho’s side).

He will no longer have any reason to die. He will not wish to leave Akiho because doing so will only bring her endless despair and if there’s anything we can be sure of, Kaito will not accept any outcome where Akiho is less than happy.

To conclude this overly long ramble (yea, it’s ramble-analysis at this point...rambalysis?), everybody chooses their own happiness. It’s not something another person can decide for them.

Choice also extends to those we love and how we love them.

By choosing to love the correct way...that is, by supporting each other, caring for one another, accepting one another for who they are and not what they are...can we hope to find, to become, the true love we’re looking for.

True love brings out the best in people, allows the real strengths of their characters to bloom and thrive as they’re meant to.

True love heals, helps us become stronger and better than our old selves so that we don’t lose to our weaknesses of the past.

True love will never intentionally hurt you and even if there is pain, it’s the proof that you’re alive. Alive to feel, alive to hope and to fight. To choose your own happiness.

That is the meaning I’ve found in YunaAki.

#I can't count how many times I've had to step away and cry while writing this post #it didn't even turn out as I planned which should've been more organized and possibly more concise than this #that past two months were just a mess y'know #nonetheless it served as a good catharsis for all the emotions I had trouble releasing and I'm very glad I pushed through to finish it #writing is my therapy and I still strongly believe in love despite the awful hell I'm living in rn #that's why YunaAki is my ultimate OTP #this ship was made specially for people like myself #and nobody can ever stain this beautiful feeling they've inspired in my heart #I will never regret or be ashamed for expressing this love #shinomoto akiho #yuna d. kaito #yunaaki #akiyuna #🕰️🌾🐇

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gb-patch · 3 years

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Ask Answers: May 15th Part 1

It’s been longer than usual since our last answer session, so I’m answering a ton of questions today! It’s so big I split it into two parts. Thank you for the patience on getting a response to these.

Thanks for reaching out to us with your questions and kind words ^^!

Sorry if this has been asked before or isn't something you can say but is there anyway for Cove to confess in step 4? I wanted him to confess in step 3 and followed all the steps to make him do it but ended up texting my family instead of Cove at the end.

Yeah, Cove can confess in Step 4!

Hello! I heard that Cove is on the spectrum, albeit undiagnosed. As someone who is ND, this makes me UNBELIEVABLY happy. I literally was brought to tears! Thank you for that!

Out of curiosity, will Cove be diagnosed in Step 4? I have a strong feeling y’all won’t make it a HUGE deal/make it out to be negative, so I’m not worried about that whatsoever! I’m just curious just he’ll off handedly mention it? Or will it just not be touched upon at all (which is ok!)?

Either way is ok, I’m just curious!

I’m happy it made you happy! Admittedly, Cove simply being someone with autism that grew up not being diagnosed was something I included for myself. I didn’t really think anyone would notice or ask about it, aha. But players did start to have questions about his traits, so I started to talk about it outside of the game. It’s great to see it get such a positive response and now I do feel like having it be a non-topic may have been the wrong choice and bringing it up would’ve been good in terms of having positive representation for that. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to mention it in Step 4 now, with how far along the game is, but I am at least thinking about it when originally it wasn’t something I really even considered.

Hey! Just wanted to say thank you for Our Life. It's been a bright spot and a needed escape in what's otherwise been a crummy year. I know you just did a Q&A post but I figured I'd ask anyway. Was just curious about Step 4. Will it be similar to the other Steps in that it consists of several different moments or will it just be one long sequence?

Step 4 is shorter than the prior Steps because it’s just an epilogue rather than a full arc of a story. It’ll consist of scenes that all happen in a set row one after the other. There won’t be a collection of Moments to choose from. But it’ll still be very sweet and fun.

¡hola!, you see, first I want to say that I love Our Life! (°◡°♡) and I have 2 important questions, would Cove cry watching titanic? and what is the saddest part according to him? (sorry for my english)

Titanic would make him cry. He’d probably think the parts showing people who aren’t able to make it to the life boats/are choosing to stay and go down with the ship were the saddest.

Hello, I wanted to ask how much you earn with creating games? Like is it possible to make a living? Thank you >< <3

How much I earn varies a lot month to month based on Steam sales, Patreon backers, and how many projects are in full production at the time. It’s also hard to say how much I make historically, since that also changes dramatically year by year. But I do earn enough to work on these games full time! I really appreciate all the support that allows me to do that.

Hey!! I was wondering for the 18+ Our Life moment, will there be an emphasis on safety/comfort for all involved? I feel like there would be just going off of what the rest of the game is like, but I wanted to ask

Yes! Cove is a nervous boy himself and also super cautious about doing anything the MC doesn’t like, so clear consent from both is absolutely needed for anything to happen. It’s a conversational sexy times Moment with stops/starts so the two can talk about how they’re feeling, rather than a heat of the moment just going for it kind of thing.

Hey!! I was wondering how long the wedding dlc would be? Will it be broken up into moments, or just one big event?

It’s one long series of scenes all in a row rather than a collection of Moments to pick from. It’s the shortest and the least expensive of all the DLCs. It’s not super crucial to get and those who aren’t into big weddings can totally skip it without worry.

HELLO AMAZING DEVS 👋 i am hopelessly in love with the worst guy ever (jeremy king) and because of this i have a really stupid question: does he really hate people who are nice to him? TvT he’s too cute to be mean to istg it’s a miracle JB held the urge to be consistently nice to him bc just look at his FACE he is so cute! thank you for jeremy’s route it’s so lovely (and awful bc he’s scum 11/10) it gave me so much laughs LMAO i hope you guys have a good day!!

Haha, thank you. He doesn’t hate them but he’s certainly not pleased with them. Jeremy is either uncomfortable with or annoyed by people being sweet on him, depending on how they approach it. He’s far more comfortable with jerkiness. It lets him relax and he can be himself without it being a problem, since he’s also a jerk. He feels a level of guilt being such a little punk to kind people, not enough to be a better person but still.

Has Cove dated or been interested in someone other than MC?

Nope! He stays single over the course of the game if he’s not with the MC.

Is Step 4 more mature? Or it's gonna be set in similar atmosphere as Step 3?

Step 4 is a similar atmosphere as Step 3. Though, it’s actually kind of less mature-topic heavy than Step 3 since it’s just a ‘hey, let’s check in on the gang to see what they’re up to’ style epilogue rather than a story arc with serious issues.

will there be new music for now and forever?? or will the old our life music be reused?

It’s gonna be a brand new soundtrack. We’ll be opening up a job position for that soon.

Hi, is it okay if we use the assets in Our Life (like the sprites) for fanworks or fan content content, like edits?

Sure! Just as long as you don’t use the assets made by those artists to make money.

Quick clarification on Step 3 choices: I hope I didn't come off rude (because I LOVE the game, really!!), I was just curious because the intro threw me off at times. For example, you could choose how you felt about Elizabeth in Step 2 (Dinner), but during the Step 3 intro, it says that you got closer to Liz and I didn't get a choice in it.

For the example, it can’t be helped that you’re closer to Liz in Step 3 than you were in Step 2 because she’s inherently closer to the MC regardless of whether you liked her or not in Step 2. Her feelings are out of your control and the game isn’t so dramatic that you can push her affection away and not let her bond with you, haha. But ‘being closer’ can still be relative. For some people maybe that means you’re best buds now and for others it might just mean you’re not fighting all the time any more. If there’s other parts you want to mention, feel free to let us know.

Did the illustrator for Our Life change?

We have many OL artists! The main artists who set the game’s style haven’t changed, but there’s multiple other artists who help finish assets.

So Miranda's type is confident and outgoing, huh? So...does that mean Terri's her type?? 👀

Haha, sorry for the late reply on this. As you might’ve seen in our post yesterday- yeah that is her type.

Hey! First, I just want to say I've really enjoyed how detailed OL got with gender identity and sexuality and how respectful the topics were handled! It's been so wonderful to play since the experiences could be close to my own (I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up at parts). Second, I was wondering, would future games explore the topic of polyamory? I'd love to see more visual novels allow room for that and I saw you've explored the topic before.

Keep up the amazing work! ♡

Thank you! We do want to include polyamory in at least some of our future projects. Floret Bond, which might be what you’re referring to when mentioning how we’ve explored the topic before, is on hold unfortunately. So right now I’m not sure when something might release or what will be the first game of ours to come out with poly relationships (we might do something else before FB is done). We’ll have see how things ends up coming together.

Hey um. I feel like im not allowed to ask this on the private discord cuz people will yell at me but why is there so much focus on OL2 and not finishing OL1 stuff? I like the new people but i kind of want to finish cove's story and get derek and baxter stuff first. didn't people pay for it?

I’m sorry, I don’t understand entirely what’s making that situation a concern. There’s a channel in the discord for critique where no one is allowed to comment back. People can voice things they’re worried about without any way for others to push back on it. And the two teams working on the OL games are different. We try to post pretty often about how we’re hiring brand new people to start on Our Life: Now & Forever. The OL1 team is all still working on OL1 like normal. There’s only more updates on the Patreon for OL2 because the expansions to the first game are mostly script-based at this point while OL2 is just starting to get all its art, which means there’s a lot more to show off as previews.

Also, there was a Kickstarter for the first Our Life, if that’s what you mean by people paying for it. But one of the stretch goals was to start Our Life 2 early, before fully completing Our Life 1, so that the new game could be out sooner. It wouldn’t make sense to stop doing OL2 work because that would be going against what backers were promised. Maybe you didn’t get the full story before and hopefully this clears it up!

Hello! I know it's up to every player but.. What is your recommendation for playing order? Did you ever had any timeline events planned?

I didn’t make the events with a planned timeline. The events got made simply as I had ideas for them and then I just kind of organized them from left to right on the screen in an order to space out more dramatic ones between more lighthearted ones. Any order the player wants to go with is totally valid!

Hi! It's Step 4 a paid dlc or update? And how long it's planned to be? Ps. Love the game!

The Step 4 epilogue is free! The Cove Wedding DLC does cost money, though. Those are planned to be shorter than the usual Steps/DLCs.

Will we have options for what sort of job the MC might have by the time step 4 takes place?

Yeah, you can. It’s not super exact or detailed, but there are options about it.

Is there a pandemic in Our Life world, or is it just in a better timeline with no pestilence?

Our Life is pandemic-free! That didn’t exist when we began working on the project and it’s not something we’d like to feature in this story now that it has unfortunately come along, aha.

Hi, you said that you can play tic-tac-toe or hangman with Cove in Boating if you're sick/scared but I keep getting tic-tac-toe. Am I doing something wrong?

After being sick/scared you have to continue to be upset/unwell. If you calm down and decide to just chill you’ll end up playing tic-tac-toe.

Hi, GB Patch! Since Lee was initially commissioned to only appear in two Steps does this mean she won't appear in the Wedding DLC? I really like her character so it'll be a little weird to not have our cousin at our wedding, aha.

She is gonna be in Step 4/the wedding DLC after all! We’re still working with her creator to make sure it fits with what they wanted.

Is Sunset Bird based on a real place? Asking for a friend, not trying to move there or anything. 👀

It’s based on small beach towns in So-Cal, but not one specific town you could go see in real life, I’m afraid. It’d be nice if it was real, though.

—– —– —– —–

We released a new FAQ! It answers common questions and we’ll keep adding more to it. Please check there before sending an ask. FAQ Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

#our life #Our Life Beginnings & Always #Our Life: Now & Forever #ask #gb patch #gb patch games #xoxo droplets

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alirhi · 3 years

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This is oddly fun lol

Let's see how many of these I can churn out before I get distracted or need a break! (pff. like I need an excuse to watch the show again. Despite its flaws, I really, really love TFATWS, guys)

Without further ado, let's get down to it!

Episode 2: The Star-Spangled Man

I'm pretty sure I'm on record when it comes to my undying hate for John Walker, yes? So obviously, Bucky's grumpiness 100% stays 😂

I'm not really a fan of how much emphasis they put on the shield. I can see it as a catalyst for Bucky to go confront Sam, yes, but he wouldn't keep going "shield shield shield" like a broken record. Bucky has consistently been shown to be an empathetic man. I can't believe for a second that he'd be barking at Sam about having no right to give up the shield; he'd ask why. Sam's got shit to do, so he'd get impatient and not answer.

"Why'd you give up so easily? If you were overwhelmed, I could've helped you-" "You've been ignoring me. Like now, how you're ignoring me walking away from you." "Well, you weren't texting me about this." "You think I needed your permission?!" "No, but I was right there with Steve while he was learning what it meant to be Cap. I wouldn't mind helping you get used to-" "Then go teach him." A vague gesture toward the "Cap is back" posters. Bucky makes a face. "Steve passed the mantle to you. You fought with him. You earned it. That little shit didn't." "What do you want me to do about it?" "Just tell me why, Sam. I mean it. I just wanna understand." "Not now, Buck. I've got shit to do. You see me heading for a plane right now, right?" "This is important!" "So is this." Sam tells him about the Flag Smashers, we get our silly Big Three/Gandalf conversation.

I'm sorry, but that whole jumping from the plane scene is funny as hell, and I love all the nods they added in to jokes from the press tours that brought us this show in the first place (like ripping the sleeve off his jacket lol). I don't think I'd change a single thing from the Big Three convo to Bucky joining Sam in the warehouse.

"You're doing the staring thing again." "You're staring at your watch," Bucky points out. He knows it's linked to Redwing, he's just pointing out how dumb that line is in that situation. They're there for recon lol. They're meant to be looking around.

I don't...particularly care about the other common gripe here? Meaning, "Bucky's a civilian, so why is he allowed to randomly jump in on a military mission?" Bucky's also known in this universe as an Avenger, just like Sam, so I don't think anyone would really bat an eye at him joining. Also, I have my own agenda related to Bucky's apparent freedom to walk in and out of military/government things.

What does bug me (as funny as it is) is Bucky's animosity toward Redwing. Again... Bucky is a certified nerd. Always has been. If anything, he'd be fascinated by Redwing and Sam would constantly have to slap him away because he's leaning in too close trying to see the tiny watch monitor. "I don't trust Redwing" is just old man griping "I don't trust your newfangled technology" and that... that's not Bucky.

And that "we're not assassins" dig, and then laughing when Bucky gets upset? That's not Sam. Both of these men have shown a remarkable amount of empathy, and Sam has a background in helping traumatized vets. If he cared enough about Bucky to be texting him after Steve left, he'd care enough not to make callous jokes about his time as The Winter Soldier, whether he knows the full story or not.

The fight on top of moving trucks looks cool, but makes no logical sense. I keep trying to think of a way to explain this from a story perspective, rather than a lazy "it looks cool!" filmmaking one, and I'm coming up blank. Anyone with half a brain would have pulled over, had the fight, and then taken off. It was a fun sequence, though... Eh. I'll leave it.

When Karli breaks Redwing, Bucky doesn't say "I always wanted to do that." Again, it's funny - I love the jabs about that stupid robo bird XD - but not Bucky. In my version, he smirks and says "You're so gonna regret that."

"You were kinda getting your asses kicked before we got there." Is immediately followed by Bucky staring him down and asking, "And... how did that fight end for you?" Sam adds, "I don't see them in custody. Are-are they following in a van?" He looks around, sarcastically searching for another vehicle. Walker and Hoskins grimace at each other, grudgingly conceding that point.

credit to @dailycelebs

Seeing Walker, and having to listen to his stupid pro-government rhetoric, makes Bucky think about Steve. When we cut from the Flag Smashers back to Bucky and Sam and the closeup of Bucky's pensive face, we hear 1940s Steve angrily telling 1940s Bucky about how the higher ups in the army had already written off the POWs and were going to leave them to die. "I love our country, Buck," he laments, "but what do I do when I'm not too sure anymore about the people who run it?"

"What you always do," is young Bucky's answer, "stand for what's right, not who's in power."

Perfect lead-in to the conversation about handling things themselves.

When Sam meets Isaiah, and hears his story, not only is he horrified and heartsick for him, but he also begins to see Bucky in a new light. He's seeing Bucky's face, the way he tries to hide his emotions and not make this conversation about him, and he's putting things together. He's still upset at being out of the loop, but he's seeing more of the situation than just "omg black super soldier". When Bucky says "he'd already been through enough," Sam asks quietly, "like you?"

The racist cop comes back before Bucky can answer, to arrest him for missing his appointment with Raynor.

ngl guys, I was so moved by the difference in how that cop treated Sam (before knowing he's Important) vs how he treated Bucky (knowing that the government views him as a violent, if pardoned, criminal). He approaches Sam with his hand on his gun, eager to defend Bucky; "is this guy bothering you?" Just because they're having a heated conversation. Then, when he sees that there's a warrant for Bucky, he approaches timidly, apologizes, treats him gently and politely. By "moved," btw, I don't mean "it was so sweet." I mean "this is fucking sick, and very, very realistic." White cops see a white guy and treat him with respect regardless of his actual criminal record, while being openly hostile towards an innocent black man without even knowing who he is, just because he's black. Moments like this made me applaud Spellman.

"You, too, Sam - That wasn't a request" is Sam's first sign that there's something off about Raynor.

Look, again... The couples therapy banter is funny because Sebastian and Anthony are funny, but that scene, from a storytelling and a mental health standpoint, is atrocious. Without some underlying reason behind her actions, Raynor is just a pointlessly terrible therapist.

Rather than insulting Bucky from the outset, Sam is angry with Raynor for violating Bucky's privacy by not only introducing herself as his therapist, but forcing a "couples" session without her patient's consent. With his background pre-Avenging, he knows this shit shouldn't fly. He immediately points out how unprofessional she's being.

Raynor doesn't bother listening - the fuck does she care, really? She shrugs and casually admits it's "slightly unprofessional" but proceeds anyway.

"Whatever's eating at him?" Sam scoffs. "Did you really just say that to a WWII veteran and the world's longest-serving POW with complex PTSD? Did I hear that right? I've had, maybe, like five conversations with this man since we met, and even I know he's been through some shit and-" "Sam," Bucky tries to interrupt, looking uncomfortable. With his crushing guilt, he has an easier time dealing with insults than someone coming to his defense. "No," Sam snaps. "If the HIPAA Slayer over here wants to drag me into this, she's damn well gonna hear what I have to say!" He turns back to Raynor and demands, "Is this how you've been treating him this whole time? Downplaying what he's been through and making a grown-ass man sound like a sulking teenager?" Raynor keeps her cool, but barely. Visibly frustrated and annoyed, she ignores Sam's tirade and tries to force the conversation back onto the track she wants it on. Bucky's embarrassed and doesn't know how to react to any of this, so he still makes that little "he would talk less" jab. Sam, seeing that he's not going to get anywhere with him until they're away from this bitch, glowers and plays along. We get our silly/angry banter.

After their argument with Walker, Sam finally confronts Bucky about what really happened to him.

"He meant HYDRA; HYDRA used to be my people." "Were they?" Sam asks, stopping him and looking him in the eye, not letting him look away or deflect. "Steve was under the impression that they were your captors. I was under the impression that the Wakandans spent two years deprogramming you so no one could use you the way HYDRA did ever again." "I-" Startled, not expecting that, Bucky stutters a little and admits, "Yeah, I... That's true, I guess." "You guess?" "Does it matter? Sam rolls his eyes. "I dunno, does it matter that you were a slave for most of the 20th century?" "I doubt it matters much to my victims." "HYDRA's victims," Sam corrects firmly. "Just like you." Bucky fidgets; he doesn't know what to do or say. No one since Steve has even so much as insinuated that Bucky wasn't 100% culpable for what he did while under HYDRA control. "Look," Sam sighs, "I don't particularly like you. I don't hate you, but I'm not your biggest fan." "...Thanks?" "I just need you to know where I stand-" "Yeah, got it-" "-So you know I'm not biased like Steve when I say you had no choice. I don't know your story, but I know no one flips on a dime from docile and plagued with guilt to an unstoppable killing machine and back without some serious psychological damage behind that. I'm not saying you're an innocent little bunny, but I don't think you're a monster." "Thanks," Bucky croaks, more sincerely this time, and a bit choked up. He clears his throat and looks distinctly uncomfortable as he grumbles, "but to catch these guys, we may need to talk to a monster." Sam cringes. "I was afraid you'd say that."

#sebastian stan #anthony mackie #tfatws #tfatws critical #fan ramblings #show rewrite #if i'd written it #episode 2

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xerxia31 · 3 years

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the Big Bang - an Everlark ficlet

Inspired by a story I read on CNN, that I couldn’t get out of my head. A warning - there are shades of dub-con here that may be disturbing to some readers. Rated M.

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Peeta Mellark was fit to be tied.

“I don’t know what you want me to say here, boy,” Haymitch drawled. “You knew where these characters were heading when you signed on.”

“Come on, Haymitch,” Peeta growled. He was standing in Haymitch Abernathy’s office, holding the week’s script while Haymitch, head writer and executive producer of the hit series The Arena, in which Peeta starred, stared at him from under a mop of greasy, overlong hair. Until now, Peeta had loved working on the show, loved the ensemble cast, loved the interesting storylines and well-written scripts.

But not today.

“They’ve been growing together slowly for three damned seasons and now, this week, bam!” Peeta clapped his hands for emphasis, “out of nowhere you have three fucking sex scenes in the script.” For three seasons the show had been teasing a relationship between the character Peeta played, macho FBI agent Barley St James, and his shy, brainy colleague, Allium Winterland. It was a fantastic story, well paced, the dialogue between them always fun. Nearly three years they’d been teasing the audience with it.

And now this week’s script turned everything on it’s head. “You’re just screwing with us.” There was no way the timing was coincidental. Because the actress who played Allium, the actress he’d be stripping down to his skivvies and dry-humping with on national television? She was none other than his now-ex-girlfriend.

Haymitch glanced away. Peeta thought it was in shame until Haymitch spoke.

“You might as well come in, Sweetheart,” Haymitch said, and Peeta spun to look behind him. “We were talking about you.”

Katniss Everdeen was standing just outside Haymitch’s open door. It was the first time Peeta had laid eyes on her in the flesh in two weeks. Two fucking weeks! He hadn’t seen her since the night she walked out of their house.

He knew where she’d gone though, the whole fucking world did. All of the gossip rags, and even the more reputable news sites, were reporting how her on again off again affair with one Gale Hawthorne, star of multiple movie franchises and People magazine’s sexiest man alive 2018, was definitely on again.

“Story of my life,” Katniss muttered as she walked the rest of the way through the door, schooling her expression into a dispassionate scowl as she did. Peeta had no idea why she went into acting, he could read her every emotion through the impassive mask. He always could. Today was no exception, her mask might be in place, but her eyes were flashing with fury, and something that looked suspiciously like hurt.

She didn’t acknowledge Peeta at all, striding into the room on silent feet and stopping a solid six feet away. Her arms were crossed protectively over her chest, but her copy of the script was clenched in one fist. No doubt she’d been planning on storming in here to blast Haymitch. But Peeta beat her to it.

“Save your breath, Sweetheart,” Haymitch said. “Like I told the boy, you knew this was coming.”

“It’s fine,” she said, shooting a cool look in Peeta’s direction. “I’m a professional.” Then she turned, and strutted back out the door, back straight, long, black braid swinging. He could only watch, jaw clenched.

“Brrr,” Haymitch said. “You two have got a lot of warming up to do before showtime.” He was right, of course, and Peeta knew it. The audience would be expecting a pair of lovebirds. Not two people who could barely look each other in the eye.

“Whatever,” Peeta grunted. She wanted to play it that way? He could be cold too.

o-o-o

The table read went smooth as silk. Katniss sat on one side of the room, chatting lightly with their costar Delly Cartwright between scenes, Peeta sat on the other, joking with Cressida Faulkner, who was directing that week’s episode. Most of the cast had no clue Peeta and Katniss had broken up, because most of them never knew they’d been an item at all. Haymitch had figured it out somehow, clearly, but none of the other cast noticed anything was amiss.

The following day’s rehearsal, not so much. Rehearsals were always in costume and filmed, so that the production team could splice in any good bits that came out of them. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence in TV, especially in a weekly series where time was tight. Peeta was used to it.

His first few scenes were fine, his lines came easily, he hit every mark. Then came the first scene he and Katniss shared that week, the one that led up to the first of the three fucking sex scenes.

She walked onto the set, and Peeta’s heart did a slow tumble in his chest. She was utterly beautiful, her hair loose and flowing, and wearing a dress patterned with autumn leaves. Soft orange, his favourite colour.

The colour of heartbreak.

They both stumbled through their lines, avoiding each other's eyes, interacting stiffing and unnaturally. Cressida halted the scene over and over again. It was a huge drag on the rest of the cast, slowing down everything.

Peeta’s only solace was that Katniss looked as miserable as he felt.

Peeta left as soon as rehearsal ended and headed for the gym. The call sheet had them both in an evening meeting at the studio, and he was going to need to work off some steam before he faced her again.

He should have asked, though, what the meeting was about. Because when he got back to the studio he found Katniss, dressed in leggings and a tiny little tank top, her face bare and so pretty, sitting cross-legged on a gym mat and chatting with a willowy brunette who gave off crunchy granola vibes. “Did I miss the memo about mandatory yoga?” he drawled.

Katniss scowled, but the brunette smiled beatifically. “Hello Mr. Mellark,” she said softly, her voice like windchimes, musical and irritating. “I’m Annie Cresta, your intimacy coordinator.”

Peeta was too confused to make a joke. “My what now?”

Annie laughed. “Intimacy coordinator,” she repeated. “It’s my job to choreograph simulated sex scenes for actors.”

“I think we know how sex works,” Peeta grumbled, and Katniss flushed, obvious without the stage makeup caked on her skin, then looked down at her lap. But Annie was undeterred.

“Of course,” she said gently. “But it’s about more than just choreography. It’s about helping you both to be comfortable, about navigating respect and consent and keeping the set safe.”

Peeta had heard about this, once before maybe, in the wake of the #metoo movement. But he’d never worked with one before. Katniss must have requested it. Figured she couldn’t even trust him to be a professional on the set. “With all due respect, Ms. Cresta,” Peeta said. “I don’t think we need this. We’ve both filmed scenes like this before.” Not with each other, but that was a minor point.

Katniss, to his surprise, looked inclined to agree. Annie just smiled.

“Not negotiable, I’m afraid,” she said. “All of Panem Entertainment’s productions must have an intimacy coordinator on set.” Peeta frowned, they were in the third season of filming, he’d never seen Annie before. As if reading his mind, she nodded. “I worked with Thresh Watts and Rue Lamonte last year.” That scene had been filmed on a closed set, Peeta had seen the finished product, but not any of the lead-up, and it hadn’t occurred to him at the time to ask about it.

Peeta sighed, and resigned himself to having a stranger teach him how to have fake sex with his real ex-girlfriend.

“Have a seat,” Annie said, indicating the mat beside Katniss. Peeta gritted his teeth, but he sat, his knee brushing hers.

She didn’t react.

“Now,” Annie said. “Communication is key.” Peeta snorted, and Katniss scowled at him. Communication. With the woman who had spoken a single word to him in the past 15 days. Sure. "The most important thing is that the people involved feel safe.”

“Why would we feel unsafe?” Peeta interrupted. There was a Cubs game on TV tonight, he’d rather be watching that.

Annie was unperturbed. “You're revealing a lot in a scene, you're going to places where you're vulnerable, and that requires an awful lot of trust," she said, looking pointedly between Peeta and Katniss. He wondered with some annoyance just how much Katniss had revealed to Annie about their situation before he’d walked in. “I have the script, and an outline of how your director wants it to look. But you two will need to talk with each other and with me and say, 'What are you comfortable with? What are you not comfortable with?'”

“I don’t want kissing,” Katniss blurted, then flushed again. “I mean,” she amended, “I’m not sure I can concentrate on both that and lines and choreography.” Peeta knew that was bullshit, in three seasons he could count on one hand the number of times Katniss had forgotten a line or missed a mark.

She just didn’t want to kiss him. And it stung.

Annie nodded. “We can work around that,” she said. “There will need to be some close up shots of you kissing, but they can be filmed separately from the simulated sex.”

Great, Peeta thought. Their characters had kissed a lot over the past three seasons, but that had been easy. They were both professionals, and kissing Katniss for the camera had been no big deal. Fun, even, in a comfortable, familiar way. Never sexual, there was always too much lipstick and stage makeup to worry about for there ever to be more than a peck. But steady, and comforting.

He doubted it’d be like that now. Or ever again.

“Let’s start with directorial expectations,” Annie began. “I’ve been given a timeline for the scenes and an outline of the specific angles that are expected. The most challenging part, from an intimacy perspective, is likely to be the third, which will be shot side angle with you, Peeta, on top of Katniss and no sheets to shield anything. We’ll have to block arms and leg placements carefully, and it’s likely you’ll both feel very vulnerable.”

Peeta didn’t see how that would be difficult, yet when Annie positioned him kneeling between Katniss’s thighs, a ridiculous little brocade cushion between their bodies, it was incredibly awkward. Katniss couldn’t hide in this position, with their faces only inches apart, and he couldn’t ignore, looking into her silver eyes, just how much he’d lost.

Two hours of rolling around on the floor, blocking arm and hand and leg movements sucked any sexy out of the scene. It felt robotic and contrived and awkward as hell. Katniss, for her part, looked fucking miserable. “Well,” Annie said finally. “I’m sensing some discomfort, so I think we should close for the evening.”

Peeta rolled onto his back on the mat and stared at the ceiling. Why was this so fucking hard? He was an actor, for god’s sake. He’d filmed sex scenes before, and none of them felt this shitty.

“I think we could do with a couple more rehearsals,” Annie said. “I’ll ask Cressida to schedule some.” Just fucking great, Peeta thought.

Annie floated away like an ethereal being. Katniss hung back, maybe to talk with him, maybe just to avoid Annie. But he wasn’t in the mood. He’d been subjected to her stony silences for two days, his heart hurt and his pride was dented and he just needed to get out and lick his wounds.

“Peeta,” Katniss said softly. Peeta held up his hand.

“Not now,” was all he said.

She scowled. “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

Peeta almost leapt to his feet, his exhaustion morphing into rage. “Look, you haven’t said a damned word to me in weeks, you haven’t even come home for your things, and now you want to talk?” Peeta spat, cringing internally at his use of the word home to describe the house where they’d been living together until two weeks ago.

Katniss looked puzzled, under all of that anger. “Jo said you threw everything away.” Johanna Mason was a mutual… well... not quite friend. Peeta had often accompanied her to awards shows, in the early days of her career when she was concerned that if it got out that she preferred women, it would stop her from getting leading lady roles. She didn’t need to worry about that anymore, she was a bonafide A-lister these days, and her relationship with an adorably bubbly talk show host was in every magazine. But Jo generally had her own unknowable agenda and sometimes she liked to stir up shit just for fun.

“You think I’d do that?” he asked, voice deceptively soft. He might have thought about it, fantasized about it really, when he found out who she was staying with. But he had more dignity than that, and she damned well should know it.

In fact, everything was exactly as she’d left it when she stomped out of their home, out of his life, 15 days ago. Her toothbrush was beside the bathroom sink, her favourite sweater on her favourite chair. A shabby silver-framed picture of her parents nestled between their awards. All of the homey pieces of her life, all of her simple treasures, abandoned.

Katniss shrugged, like she didn’t care, like his worth, his honour, the life they’d built together, was inconsequential, and it just pissed Peeta off more. He hated her ice princess routine, hated how fucking above it all she was. She’d always been good at freezing him out, at making him chase her, but no more. He didn’t have to put up with her stone cold shit.

“Get you crap or I will toss it,” he seethed, walking away. She didn’t call after him, but then she never did.

o-o-o

Haymitch dropped two of the three sex scenes from the script. Peeta should have been relieved, he was relieved. But he also felt sick about it. Like he was destroying his career.

The tension on set was obvious and palpable now, and he knew it looked like he was the cause. Katniss, always quiet, remained quiet. But Peeta couldn’t fake it, once the cameras stopped. Cold didn’t come naturally to him, and too often he veered into mean and snappish.

He had to figure out a way to get past this, to get past his anger, his hurt, and work with Katniss again. But he had no idea how.

Peeta leaned back in his favourite club chair, in the cozy den at the back of his house, and allowed himself to relive that day, the day it had all come crashing down. Until then, he’d thought he had it all, had the world in the palm of his hand. A great job, a comfortable home and the most radiant woman in the world in his bed every night.

Katniss Everdeen had been a child star on a hugely popular sitcom. He knew her only by name when she showed up to screen test with him. He’d been expecting a cute little moppet. Instead, she was a silver-eyed stunner. And right off the bat, he was a goner.

They clicked, in almost every way. Working together was a joy, chatting together between takes a delight. He loved her intelligence and wry sense of humour. They moved from friends to more at breakneck speed, but it never felt too fast.

She was insistent that they keep a lid on their relationship, even when they eventually moved in together. He understood it, her previous relationship, also with a costar, had been documented to death, she’d been hounded and harassed by the paparazzi constantly, even now they followed her everywhere. He didn’t love keeping them a secret, but he loved Katniss, so he acquiesced.

And that day, the day it all fell apart? It was supposed to be a good day, a great day. The first day of their two-week mid-season filming break. They had grand plans to do nothing but each other. Peeta had run a few errands, then stopped by his agent’s office to sign a couple of endorsement contracts.

That’s when the shit started.

“I figured you’d want to hear it from me first,” Finnick Odair, the best agent in the business, said with a grimace. He handed Peeta a tablet. Loaded up was the National Enquirer, his mother’s smirking face beside a promotional shot of Peeta and Katniss, and the headline, ‘It’s Real’. His fucking mother had struck again. It wasn’t the first time she’d sold Peeta out to the tabloids.

“Shit,” Peeta murmured. Not because the headline wasn’t true, it was. But Katniss guarded her privacy with clenched fists, and for two years, they’d barely let anyone in on their secret. Finn knew, but he was very discreet and like he’d said when Peeta had first hired him, he couldn’t protect Peeta unless he knew all of his secrets.

“She’s going to be pissed, huh?” Finn said sympathetically.

He didn’t know the half of it.

Peeta was in a foul temper and all he wanted was his quiet house and a couple of fingers of scotch before he had to deal with Katniss, who was sure to be furious. But no, he wouldn’t even get that. Because Rye was standing at his front door when he arrived home. Peeta groaned, and parked in front of the house, instead of pulling into the garage, where the door he generally entered by was. They’d chosen this place because the gated community was supposed to offer them more privacy and security. He was going to have to talk with the guard at the gate again. Just because Rye looked like his brother didn’t mean Peeta wanted him here.

“Peet,” Rye said genially as Peeta unlocked the seldom-used front door.

“What do you want, Rye?” Peeta really had no time for his brother’s bullshit, not that day of all days, and he hadn’t bothered hiding his annoyance.

“I can’t just pop by to see my little brother?” Rye never came by unless he wanted something. Often it was money. Rye seldom worked, preferring to live off his association with Peeta There were a lot of people in LA who would wine and dine the families of celebrities, looking for an in. Rye had brought him a few abominable scripts over the years from people who’d promised him a big finders fee if he could get Peeta to sign on.

“Cut to the chase, Rye,” Peeta said impatiently. There was a small liquor cabinet in the living room closest to the front door. Not that they ever lived in this room. It was only for show, the place where outsiders were held, away from the parts of the house where they actually did their living.

“Fine,” Rye laughed. “Tell me it isn’t true, little brother,” he said. There was no point pretending Peeta didn’t know what he was talking about. Rye was a terrible gossip hound. Peeta shook his head. “Thank god,” Rye said. “You can do so much better than that. She’s not very big, and definitely not hot.”

Peeta sighed. Rye’s taste in women only included girls who fawned all over him. Katniss would never make that list.

“Where did Mom come up with that idea anyway?” Rye asked, eyeing the single glass Peeta poured with interest. Peeta was not going to offer him a drink. He wasn’t going to do anything that suggested Rye was welcome to stay. “It’s pretty fucking crazy, even for her.”

“I don’t know,” Peeta grumbled. He knew exactly where. She must have listened in on one of Peeta’s calls with his father. His dad was his best friend, Peeta just couldn’t keep secrets from him. But the old man wasn’t always careful when he talked to Peeta.

“Katniss Everdeen. As fucking if. You have much better taste than that,” Rye laughed. “Remember that chick you were with a couple of years ago? The one who was in Playboy?”

“Cashmere Solomon,” Peeta muttered half under his breath. He’s gone out with her twice, and she’d been a nightmare, only interested in what he could do for her celebrity.

“She was hot,” Rye nodded. “I hooked up with her, after.” That was more than Peeta needed to know.

“Look,” Peeta started, an attempt to get rid of Rye, to get back to his plans for a few quiet minutes before Katniss got home and he’d have to have another, very different conversation on this topic.

“Mom’s a mental case,” Rye interrupted. “Like you’d ever stoop low enough to fuck that Everdeen chick. Stuck up little bitch like that? You’ve got more pride.”

“Are we done?” Peeta was bone weary, and not at all in the mood to listen to one of his brother’s diatribes. “I’ve got a lot of stuff to do tonight.”

“Right, right,” Rye said. Peeta didn’t give a damn whether his brother believed him or not. He started to guide Rye back to the entryway. “I don’t know how Hawthorne puts up with her, “ Rye said. “Rumour has it she’s completely frigid.”

Peeta laughed, he couldn’t help it. Katniss was the furthest thing in the world from frigid, she was a live wire in bed, far and away the best sex of his life. And she had broken up with Gale Hawthorne some four years earlier, but the media still wrote about them as if they were just taking a break.

“Listen,” Rye said, though Peeta was already shepherding him towards the door. “I know this girl, Glimmer her name is. Tits for miles! She’s working on a pilot.” Working on a pilot was LA code for unemployed. “She’s so hot,” Rye continued, oblivious to Peeta’s irritation, “spend a little time with her, I’ll get my pap friend to follow you. That’ll make the Enquirer story go away. Kill any hint of association with that little piece of work.”

“Bye, Rye, Peeta said, pushing his brother through the door.

“Call me,” Rye said, and Peeta slammed the door in his face, flipping the bolt. Idiot. He exhaled slowly, then turned.

Katniss was standing behind him. Shit. How much of Rye’s crap had she heard?

“How could you let him talk about me that way,” she asked, her voice low and dangerous.

Peeta cringed. Evidently most of it. “What was I supposed to say? You don’t want him to know we’re together.”

“We have to be together for you to defend me?” Katniss asked, incredulous. “Women are only worth defending if you’re fucking them?”

Peeta rolled his eyes. “Don’t give me that bullshit,” he said. “You know I’m not like that.”

“Do I?” Katniss was pacing, little mincing steps that would fit on a pie plate. “Sure as hell didn’t sound like it.”

“What was I supposed to say?” Peeta was yelling. He flung his arms wide, expensive scotch sloshed over the edge of his glass, splashed his watch. Just great.

“How about ‘Katniss isn’t a stuck up little bitch’ for starters?”

“Jesus, Katniss, why do you even care? You know he’s an asshole.”

“He said awful things about me, in my own home, and you just stood there and nodded, like you agreed,” Katniss snapped. “That was a total dick move.”

“Well excuse-fucking-me,” Peeta said, “but it’s not even your house.” She lived there, but the lease was in his name. Her official address was an empty condo in Van Nuys, so that people wouldn’t figure out they were shacked up together. He hated the cloak and dagger bullshit, but she’d insisted.

Katniss froze, face twisted in disgust. “You’re right,” she said quietly. “It’s not.”

Before Peeta even had a chance to respond, the door was slamming behind her.

Peeta knew, even before she’d gotten to her car, that he was wrong. But he was angry, angry with his mother, angry with his brother, and pissed as hell that Katniss insisted on hiding, like he was some dirty secret instead of the man she’d been dating for two years.

She didn’t come home that evening. Peeta wasn’t completely surprised. It wasn’t the first time she’d frozen him out. He’d give her the night, then apologize in the morning.

But when morning came, his phone had blown up with texts. TMZ was running a spread of pictures, grainy and obviously through a long lens. Katniss, standing on a balcony, and not alone. With her was Gale-fucking-Hawthorne, her ex. She was locked in his embrace wearing only a robe, while he was in boxers. The gossip sites were having a field day, former lovers reunited.

Peeta, still in bed, dialed his phone. She answered on the second ring, voice hoarse. “Are you with Gale?” Peeta asked with no preamble.

There was the slightest of pauses. “Yes,” Katniss said.

“You couldn’t fucking wait to go rushing back to his bed?” Peeta yelled. “Or maybe you never really left?”

The line died in his hand. It was the last time they’d spoken, until now.

o-o-o

Katniss made no further attempt to talk to Peeta, outside of what they said on the soundstage. She’d doubled down on the ice princess routine, speaking to him in cold, overly formal tones when the cameras weren’t rolling.

Working with Annie Cresta hadn’t gotten any better either, but at least they’d managed to memorise a routine—hand here, thigh there, twist this way, arch like that. Annie insisted it would look a lot more natural than it felt. Peeta wasn’t convinced, but he didn’t care. He just wanted the thing done.

The scene was set for late afternoon, after the rest of principal photography was done for the episode and the lion’s share of cast and crew had left. “Saving the best for last,” Cressida chirped, but no one really believed that.

Katniss had a rider in her contract specifying no nudity, Peeta knew that. He hadn’t bothered with one himself, he didn’t care who saw him, but Katniss had always been uncomfortable baring everything. In other scenes, the production sometimes used a body double for Katniss. But this scene, the scene, would be her and him, on a bed, doing choreographed dry humping. It had to be her, there wasn’t any other choice.

Haymitch wasn’t on set, something Peeta suspected was Katniss’s doing, but he appreciated it. The crew was at a bare minimum, to make it easier for the actors, but it was still a lot of people. Cressida was directing, busily setting up the scene. Two female grips he’d never met before were behind the stationary cameras, two of his favourite camera guys—Castor and Pollox—had the handhelds. Two more grips had the boom mics, a gaffer adjusted the lights, and a set designer, Octavia, was fussing over the bedding, rumpling it in an artistic way that Peeta knew from rehearsal would last about twelve seconds before they destroyed it. Annie, strangely, was nowhere to be seen. He’d thought that, as their intimacy coordinator, she’d be there to coach when they actually filmed. Apparently not.

“Let’s get this show on the road,” Cressida called out, affecting a carefree tone. Peeta knew it was an act, an attempt to get all of them to relax. The antagonism and animosity between the two leads wasn’t exactly a secret, not anymore, and the mood on the small soundstage was tense. No one was looking forward to this.

Katniss had seen him naked a thousand times, had touched and stroked and tasted every inch of his body. Still, it was strange, even on a closed set, to be standing in front of her wearing nothing but a sock tied to his dick. She was clutching the edges of her pink silk robe so tightly her knuckles were white, and looking everywhere but at him.

Cinna approached and helped Katniss out of her robe, careful not to disrupt the cascade of windblown curls Peeta knew had likely taken an hour and several cans of product to achieve. Katniss’s hair was naturally pin straight, yet they were always curling it in the show, and she hated it. So focussed was Peeta on her hair that he didn’t notice what she was wearing until Cinna stepped away, leaving Katniss standing beside the bed in a pair of pasties and an adhesive pad that covered her pubic hair and not much else. Peeta couldn’t help but stare. It was far less than he was expecting, Annie had told him Katniss would be wearing a pair of flesh coloured panties and a little tube top over her boobs. “The sides of her underwear showed in the test shots,” Castor muttered in his ear. “Haymitch insisted on that instead.”

For half a minute, Peeta felt really bad for Katniss, knowing her discomfort, knowing what it was costing her to stand under the lights and in front of so many people wearing little more than three bandaids. But then she sighed, and barked, “can we just get this over with?” and any sympathy Peeta felt for her evaporated like spring snow.

The scene opened with them both on the bed. They’d practiced the routine, both on floor mats and on a set bed. But in rehearsal, they’d been clothed, pillows between them to minimise contact.

No longer.

Now, they were essentially naked, skin pressed to skin, staring wide-eyed at each other. She was so soft under him, fit him so perfectly. Her breath—sharp, nervous little pants—caressed his jaw, his throat. Her hands, small but so much stronger than they looked, clutched at this back.

His dick twitched and hardened, he couldn’t fucking help it. They’d fucked a thousand times over the previous two years, he’d always been insanely attracted to her. His dick didn’t know that this time it wasn’t real. He clenched his teeth and kept going. There was no way, positioned as they were, to prevent her from feeling it.

Katniss smirked at him, just a fleeting little hint of amusement, but coupled with his embarrassment at getting turned on when the ice fucking queen clearly felt nothing it was too much. Rage flooded his veins like venom. He sneered down at Katniss, uncaring if the handycam caught his expression. Then he deliberately rocked against her, rubbing his hard cock against her core, only a little strip of fabric and a glorified sock between them.

Her breath caught, a choked little sound.

“Like that, princess?” he spat, lowering his mouth to her ear. “You like knowing that you can still get me hot?”

She moaned softly. It just made him angrier. Was she acting, or actually responding? Was she thinking about Gale while he was grinding against her? Had she always been thinking about him?

The few lines he was supposed to say flew out of his head. “Does your boyfriend get you hot like this?” he groaned instead, anger and lust combining. “Do you moan for him like you did for me?” Her hands, which had been moving through the choreography much more fluidly than in rehearsal suddenly froze. “Does he fill you up as good as I did?”

“Peeta,” Katniss whispered, a hint of warning in her tone. But he was too mad. Mad and heartsick and wildly turned on, it was a potent brew. He couldn’t stop. He ground harder against her, his chest rasping against her breasts, bare but for a pair of stickers. He nipped at her earlobe with sharp teeth, and her gasp was loud over his harsh breaths.

“Do you melt for him, ice princess?” She said nothing, but he didn’t care. He angled his hips and thrust hard, the way he knew she liked. He rocked over and over again, forgetting about the others in the room, lost in Katniss, however fake it might be.

“Do you want to give them a show,” he growled against her throat. “Take off the guard? One last fuck, for old times sake?”

“Stop,” she said, so faintly it was barely a breath. “Please.” Peeta pulled back. Beneath him, Katniss’s eyes were screwed tightly shut, tears leaking from the corners. The anger rushed away, leaving him horrified and utterly ashamed.

He rolled away and climbed off the bed. “Need a break,” he grunted. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Katniss had curled onto her side, facing away, naked and vulnerable. The need to comfort her battled with the sick feeling in his gut over how cruel he’d been. How completely unlike himself.

Cressida called out to him, but he didn’t want to hear whatever she was going to say. Couldn’t stay another minute on that set.

He pushed past Castor who was staring open-mouthed, the camera on his shoulder still blinking as it ran, and stomped to his dressing room. There, he sank into a chair, the leather sticking to his bare ass. He pulled the modesty bag off his now-deflated cock and dropped his head into his hands.

How had it gotten to this?

How had he gotten to the point where he was tormenting the woman he loved more than life with fake sex on their job site? Bullying her to tears in front of their crew.

He was disgusted with himself. That wasn’t who he was.

He needed to go to Katniss and apologise, for more than just the scene.

Fifteen minutes later, he’d calmed down and thrown on sweats. Katniss’s dressing room door was closed, but he knew she wasn’t in there. He walked past the small set and the little office Annie had used, but he knew she wouldn’t be there either.

Down the hall, past craft services stood the door to the electrical room. It was never locked. Peeta pushed inside. Past all of the clutter and detritus of broken light stands and boxes of cables was another door, narrow and unmarked. A steep set of metal stairs lay beyond it, and at the top a door he had to duck to walk through.

Then he was standing on the roof, a soft Burbank breeze ruffling his hair.

It wasn’t anything special, this part of the roof, gravel-topped and housing the building’s HVAC system. But it was their spot, a place no one else ever went. A place they could find some measure of solitude in the midst of a busy studio. No one ever disturbed them up here.

Katniss was sitting on the low ledge that bisected the roof, wrapped in a robe, her pink silk clad back to him. He knew she must have heard his approach, the gravel beneath him crunched with every step. But she didn’t move, didn’t react as he straddled the cement to lower himself beside her.

She didn’t turn towards him, but she didn’t need to. Her profile said everything: smudged makeup, red nose, puffy eyes. The breeze caught loose tendrils of her hair, blowing them around her face but she was still and silent save for her uneven breaths. An island in a tempest. Her eyes remained fixed on the horizon, past the endless parking lots and low studio buildings to where the sun was sinking low, bathing the sky in soft orange. Her silence wasn’t icy tonight. Pain radiated from every line, every curve.

“I’m sorry,” Peeta started. Katniss nodded, her posture otherwise unchanged. “I was a complete dick in there, and you didn’t deserve any of that. It was inexcusable.” He took a deep breath, steeling himself. “I don’t want to go on like this. Making out for the cameras, then ignoring each other when they’re off. I was hoping that if I stopped being so, you know, wounded, we could take a shot at being friends?” It would certainly make their jobs a lot easier.

“I’ve never slept with Gale,” she said softly, and Peeta startled. That wasn’t even possible. She’d run right back to him, was living with him again.

As if reading his mind, Katniss continued. “He’s been a good friend to me, a brother in some ways. But we’ve never had a physical relationship.”

“Bullshit,” Peeta sputtered, conciliatory tone gone. “You were with him for years.”

Katniss glanced at him then, a half smirk twisting her lips. “You were with Johanna for years too,” she said.

“You know that wasn’t real. And Gale isn’t gay.”

Katniss shrugged, and turned back to the horizon.

Peeta continued to watch her. He knew all of her expressions, her every tell. She wasn’t lying.

“Why,” he started, then stopped. That wasn’t the question he really needed an answer to. “You let me think you were together.”

“Maybe I wanted to hurt you,” she whispered. “Like you hurt me.”

Mission accomplished, he thought. He’d been in fucking agony since he saw the TMZ pictures, and the ones that followed; Katniss and Gale riding in his convertible, Katniss and Gale leaving a trendy LA cafe, Katniss and Gale sipping wine on the balcony of his oceanfront estate. It had been a form of masochism, adding her name to his news alerts and reading the day's gossip about her blossoming relationship with Gale Hawthorne.

Could it really have all been fake?

Katniss and Gale had been on the same sitcom as children, had played cousins. So when, years later, they moved in together, of course everyone assumed they were together. They’d certainly never done anything to contradict it.

“You never mentioned that before,” Peeta said quietly. Not that Gale’s name had come up often in their time together, but they’d talked about past relationships, and she’d never said that Gale had been nothing more than a friend. She’d really never said anything about her years with Gale, and that had always made Peeta insecure, wondering if she’d still harboured feelings for him. If she kept their relationship a secret not from the world, but from Gale Hawthorne. Katniss shrugged.

“I didn’t think it would matter. You’re in the business, you know how often dating is just for show.”

He did. But he’d been upfront with Katniss about Jo, he’d never let her think there was anything there. That she hadn’t given him the same respect, hadn’t trusted him, was gutting.

“He kissed me, once,” Katniss said, and Peeta’s stomach clenched in inappropriate jealousy. “I was seventeen. It was the summer after we’d both finished filming Seam Street, but before he got his big break on that superhero movie. Back when we thought we might still be normal.” She was smiling sadly, lost in the moment. “We both gagged,” she continued, and Peeta’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. Katniss laughed softly, but it wasn’t at Peeta. It was at whatever she was remembering. “All of those childhood friends to lovers tropes, it definitely wasn’t like that for me and Gale. Kissing him was…” Katniss trailed off, shuddering. “I love Gale, he’s mine, I’m his. But not like that.

“But it didn’t matter. Once the media decided we were together, they invented stories. Every time we went anywhere together, they took pictures and manipulated them to fit whatever story they’d decided to write about us that week.” Katniss sighed, and rubbed her eyes. “We couldn’t have a life, outside of each other. Anytime either of us was seen with another person, the tabloids went crazy. I got my own place, tried to put some distance there. But it didn’t stop.

“And after he started dating Claudia, it all got worse,” she said. “The media, and fans who decided that he and I belonged together, they couldn’t let it go. They hounded her incessantly, called her a homewrecker and things far worse. Trolled her on social media, harassed her family, and anything either of us tried to get them to back off only made things worse. When she finally broke things off with him, he blamed me, at least a bit.” She paused, and sniffled. “It’s why we’ve barely talked over the past few years. First because it bothered Claudia, and then because Gale was so pissed off. It came close to destroying our friendship.”

Peeta sat in stunned silence as realisation washed over him. “That’s why you wanted to keep us a secret,” he said. “You were protecting me.”

“Private,” she said. “Not secret. And that’s what you and I do, protect each other. Or did,” she added softly.

But he hadn’t protected her. Not on the set, and not from his brother’s vitriol.

“I’m sorry,” Peeta said. “I shouldn’t have let Rye talk shit about you. And I shouldn’t have been all defensive when you rightly called me on it.”

She nodded again, but didn’t turn towards him. And he didn’t know how to bridge the gulf. He’d been wrong, on so many levels. But she hadn’t trusted him, and still didn’t. She could have eased so many of his insecurities just by being honest. But she hadn’t.

He wanted to fix things. He wanted to be with her again, this time with more openness and honesty. To build a better relationship, one they both deserved. He wasn’t sure if it was possible with so much hurt between them. But he wanted to try. He just needed to get Katniss on the same page, and he knew from experience that wasn’t likely to be easy.

“We should go back,” Peeta said what felt like an hour later. The sun was almost gone, and though the air still held the perpetual California heat, Katniss was shivering in the breeze. “I’m done being a wounded prick, I promise.”

Katniss turned to him, finally. She still looked so sad, with her red eyes and ruined makeup. His heart clenched. “Cressida called shooting for the day,” she said. “Didn’t think either of us was in a good place to continue.” Haymitch would doubtless be pissed, any disruption in the schedule was tens of thousands of dollars wasted. Peeta sighed, but he knew it was the right call.

“Probably for the best,” Peeta said. “We’re a mess.”

Katniss laughed, just slightly, and Peeta grinned at her. When he extended his hand to help her up, she took it, and it felt so good to feel her fingers entwined with his again, not for show but in actual friendship.

They walked back to the dressing rooms together. “Do you maybe want to get dinner together?” Peeta asked, and he knew he sounded small and uncertain. But to his surprise, Katniss nodded.

“I’d like that,” she said.

They walked out to the lot thirty minutes later, and Peeta led her to his car. She was wearing jeans and a little tank top, her hair pulled back in a no-fuss braid and a pair of sunglasses shielding eyes that still bore traces of the evening’s emotions. She was in every way Katniss, the woman he loved. But he could feel her holding back, feel the stiffness and uncertainty in the way she looked at him, spoke to him. Not intentional, simply reflexive, like she was trying to keep her heart safe. From him. The wall between them loomed large. It was going to take a Herculean effort to break it down.

There was a restaurant, Sae’s, not too far from the house they’d shared. It catered to people like them. The front was nothing so much as a shabby little diner, but in the back were private, windowless rooms where they could have a meal without prying eyes.

Peeta ordered pasta and Katniss got her favourite goat cheese and apple panini. But the way she pushed the food around on her plate spoke to how distressed she still was. Katniss typically ate with gusto, like she was afraid she’d never see food again.

He left her be, keeping conversation light, trying to ease her back into being comfortable with him. Joking with her, the way he always had. She smiled, but it felt hollow. If anything, she seemed to get more sad as the meal wore on. Peeta’s spirits flagged.

He paid the bill, and they headed out the back door. There, he stopped, and pulled Katniss to stand in front of him.

“Talk to me,” Peeta said, voice gruff with guilt.

“About what?” She wasn’t being flippant, if anything, she sounded defeated.

“Katniss,” he sighed. She looked up at him, eyes unfathomable, dark pools in the lamplight. He could tell she was trying to psych herself up to talk. So he leaned against the restaurant wall and waited.

“I’m sorry, okay,” she said finally, and it wasn’t what he was expecting. “I’m sorry that keeping us a secret hurt you. It was never my intention to hurt you.”

Peeta opened his mouth, to say he understood better now, but she pushed on.

“And it didn’t mean I loved you any less.”

“Loved?” Her use of past tense gutted him. “Not anymore?”

In the deep shadows of the single street light, he could see her face crumple. She wrapped her arms around her body, as if shielding herself from another blow. “Does it matter?” Her words were choked, he could hear she was fighting tears again. “I know what you think of me.”

“Katniss,” he said, the word regret-soaked.

“Frigid little ice princess,” she parroted, but there was no anger. Only pain.

“I didn’t mean it,” Peeta said. “I know that’s not you.” She played at being cold sometimes. But underneath, she was a flame, burning bright.

“Everyone thinks that about me. They always have.”

“I don’t,” Peeta said, and he let the pleading come through in his voice, let her hear his own pain. “I know you’re not cold. You’re the girl on fire.” Katniss’s lips twitched at the old nickname, one she’d gotten as a teenager in an action movie. But her heartbroken expression didn’t change. “I was angry, and wounded, and I lashed out. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” she said, then she was wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. Peeta pulled her in close and buried his face in her hair. It was the first time he’d felt whole in more than two weeks, like the broken piece of his soul had returned.

Her little body shook against him, he knew she was crying. “Shhh,” he said, stroking her back. “Shhh. It’s going to be okay.” It was. He’d make sure of it.

“Just missed you so much,” she muttered. His heart soared.

“I love you,” he whispered. “Please come home.”

She didn’t say anything. But he felt her nod against his chest. And it was enough.

He took her back to his place, to their place. They were both exhausted, emotions raw, and had an early morning call, to redo the evening’s ruined scene. But she climbed into bed beside him, and he held her all night.

They were quiet the next morning, tentative and uncertain around each other, but they were together, and Peeta was committed to making things better, for both of them. He’d be patient. He’d communicate better. He’d lost the love of his life once, he wouldn’t let it happen again.

They climbed back into his car, since hers was at the studio, but as soon as the garage door opened Peeta saw Rye there, waving his phone. Beside him, Katniss tensed, and shrank down into her seat. He could almost smell her pain. Just fucking great. The moron had to show up now, when they had barely started patching things together.

“I’ve been calling you all morning,” Rye said as soon as Peeta stepped out of the car. It was just past eight, Rye didn’t typically get up before noon. Peeta suspected he hadn’t yet been to bed.

“Go home, Rye,” Peeta said. “This isn’t the time.”

“They’re saying this is you and that Everdeen chick,” Rye insisted, shaking his phone in Peeta’s face. Sure enough, on the screen was a dark and blurry shot of him, holding Katniss in his arms. Her face wasn’t visible, but her long black braid and sweet little ass were perfectly recognisable. Fuck. He thought they’d be safe at Sae’s. But he’d been wrong. Again. “I already told the Hollywood Reporter it was fake, that you wouldn’t slum with the likes of that—”

“Shut up!” Peeta roared, and for once, Rye stopped talking. “Katniss is the woman I love, and I won’t listen to you disparage her anymore,” Peeta said. “Now get the fuck out of here and stop fucking talking to the media about me.” Peeta was seething. He was going to make sure that security guard was fired. Maybe his boss too. And his boss’s boss.

Rye backed away, hands held up in supplication. “Sure, yeah,” he said quickly. “I’ll just get out of your hair. We’ll talk more later, yeah?”

Peeta didn’t dignify that with an answer. He spun on his heel, to head back to the car. But Katniss was there already, standing just behind him. She must have heard everything they’d said, and worse, Rye would have seen her there. He flinched, but she just smiled at him, then walked straight into his arms.

“Thank you,” she said.

Fuck. She didn’t need to thank him for defending her, it’s what any decent person would do. “I should have said that last time,” he admitted, tightening his hold on her.

“You said it this time,” she said. Then she stretched up onto her toes, and kissed him.

Relief and disbelief and so much love flooded Peeta. He cupped her ass in his hands and hoisted her into his arms, his lips never leaving hers.

He knew Rye was watching. Knew that some of their neighbours could see them too. “We should go back to the garage,” he whispered between kisses that were growing too hot for the street. “People are watching.”

“Let them,” she gasped. “I don't want to hide how I feel about you. Not anymore.”

He laughed against her lips, and kissed her more.

o-o-o

She was sitting in her favourite chair, a mug of camomile tea forgotten beside her, when Peeta got home. He glanced at the television glowing on the wall and groaned. “Access Hollywood? Really?” Katniss, his Katniss, was watching the creme de la creme of shitty tabloid TV.

Their relationship had been dissected endlessly by the gossip shows in the four months since they’d been outed, first by his attention-seeking mother, then by a slightly risqué public display of affection in front of their house that had been captured on cellphone video by multiple sources. Peeta understood so much better now why Katniss had tried so hard to avoid unwanted exposure. He was sick to death of the coverage.

But they were handling it together.

“Shhh,” she said, grinning. “They’re discussing whether we really did the deed while shooting Allium and Barley’s big scene.” Peeta glanced back at the television. The banner read 15 Times 'Love' Scenes On Screen Were Real.

“Oh my god,” Peeta groaned, and sank into the chair beside Katniss’s, covering his face with his hands.

The day after their disastrous first attempt at filming, they’d gone back to the set and found Haymitch waiting for them. The crusty old bastard had actually apologised for putting them in such a shitty position, and told them he’d take the scene out, make it a fade to black.

“No,” Katniss had said, silver eyes brighter than they’d been all week. “The script needs the scene. Our fans need it. And we’re ready this time.”

The second attempt had been so much better. It was still awkward, the choreography still felt strange. One of her pasties came unstuck and ended up caught in his chest hair. Twice they had to cut filming when Katniss started giggling.

Peeta had been loath to watch it, once it’d been edited. Afraid to reopen the barely healing wounds. But the end result, just as Annie promised, looked real. The cameras caught their very real joy at being reunited, their very real love for one another. And those things made the very fake sex look like something more.

They’d filmed several more sex scenes over the course of finishing the season, each easier than the last. Communication, it turned out, did make the scenes less awkward. And it helped with their real relationship too.

But the first scene, the one that Peeta still cringed thinking about, that episode had aired just days ago.

The television sound cut off abruptly and Katniss burst into laughter. Peeta peeked out from between his fingers. Frozen on the big screen was a shot of Peeta’s ass in all of its hi-def glory, and Mario Lopez was pointing to a spot just between his thighs where apparently a hint of nutsack had been caught by the camera.

Well that brought unwanted exposure to a whole new level.

Peeta groaned. “I’m putting a nudity rider in my next contract,” he mumbled.

#everlark #bang #xerxia writes #this one is a little out there #but what can I say?#and I make no apologies for naming him Barley

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sirenprincess15 · 3 years

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Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 14

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Description: What if Aleksander hadn’t answered the door when Ivan interrupted the war room kissing? What if Aleksander and Alina had a bit more time to get to know each other before Baghra told her his true identity? Alina is the only one who can comfort Aleksander through his nightmares. Will she leave once she knows who he is?

This story is based on the show version and features a soft on the inside, hard on the outside Aleksander with an emphasis on emotional hurt/comfort and angst. If you are looking for lots of hurt!Aleksander thoughts, then this story is for you. Mal exists but pretty much solely to cause Aleksander some angst. Don’t worry. It will be a Darklina ending.

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Grisha are oppressed in this universe, and I don’t shy away from showing the horrors of that. There may eventually be mentions of canon-typical torture (Fjerdan pyres), death of family members, and cruelty to Grisha children. It’s not the focus, but that backdrop is definitely there and comes up as characters discuss their past.

In this chapter: Tension continues between Aleksander and Alina as she tries to figure out who he truly is and what's real.

Chapter 14

“Where’s the girl?”

Aleksander cringed at Baghra’s voice. He didn’t want to remember this.

“Your sun summoner?”

He whimpered. He couldn’t say the word. Tears flooded his eyes. “Please …”

“Dead?

A guttural cry escaped him. “She died because I couldn’t protect her. I tried. I tried, but she wouldn’t let …”

“She died because she rejected who you are. If you weren’t so awful, maybe she could have trusted you, maybe she would have stayed.”

Aleksander awoke with a gasp. He struggled to catch his breath as he realized he was still lying on Alina’s chest. Safe. Her heart was still beating.

She said nothing as she soothingly ran her fingers through his hair to give him time to calm back down from his nightmare. He appreciated it because he needed it. He reminded himself to focus on her breathing. His head throbbed from drinking too much kvas with Fedyor the night before. He couldn’t think. How did he find the words to make her trust him again so that his worst nightmares wouldn’t come true?

At some point, the quiet just gave him more time to worry, though. Could Alina ever possibly forgive him? Would she turn on him now that she knew the truth? Could she find it in her to love him again? Would she choose the tracker? Would she still help him protect Grisha if she turned on him? How long did he have to still have her in his life? It was almost like wondering how long he would have air, but really, it was sunshine.

He wanted to stay in her arms forever, but he could not remain trapped in his thoughts anymore. “Do you want to go to breakfast together?” His voice was hoarse from sleepiness, at least that’s what he told himself. “Or we could have it brought here?”

“Thank you, but I will be spending the day with Mal.” Her chin jutted out as if she were daring him to fight that pronouncement.

“I see.” He sighed. Was this all he would get? A few hours of sleep with her? He would certainly take it over nothing, but why did she want to go be with the tracker? That idiot had always taken her for granted, done nothing to help with her self-esteem … Aleksander ground his teeth to stop himself from pointing out all of the tracker’s flaws.

“Are you good now?” she asked as she rose from the bed and went over to their shared closet.

“Thank you for letting me sleep.”

She started to dress and did nothing to hide her beautiful body from his gaze. Perhaps this was payback for his stripping in front of her the night before. Perhaps she wanted him to stare with longing as maybe she had? Or maybe she found the idea of covering up in front of each other just as awkward as he had. Then he saw what she was putting on.

Blue.

It was an arrow straight through his heart, and it hurt every bit as much as one. He knew that pain all too well from experience. “You will not be wearing that today,” he commanded.

“I will be wearing whatever I choose.” Her eyes stared right into his for a long moment, almost like a staring content, and then she went back to buttoning the blue kefta.

“Why?” He was desperate to understand her reasoning as he tried to hold together his composure.

“I like blue, very me, don’t you think?”

“Are you trying to torture me?” He gave up on trying to appear commanding and just let the pain show in his voice. “That outfit has hurt me every time you put it on since I offered you my colors.” Rejection, over and over again. It took on a new meaning now that she had already aligned herself with him. Now, it meant she disavowed their bond and that she wanted everyone to know she was no longer his.

She tilted her head and stared at him for a long moment. “Are you going to stop me?”

Finally, he caved and shook his head. “Wear what you want.” In the end, it was an outfit, one that hurt him, but an outfit nonetheless. They had more important things to agree on like protecting Grisha and the Fold. If letting her wear blue was what made her more willing to negotiate, he could endure the pain and humiliation as everyone gossiped about her leaving him.

“Has it occurred to you that maybe I’m testing you?”

He glanced up, his eyes wide. He was an expert at analyzing people and situations and reading any room. How did she always manage to surprise him? Why could he not think clearly when it came to her? “Testing me?”

“Baghra said you wanted to make me your slave, to take away my free will. I wanted to see what you would do if I insisted on my way with something I knew you disagreed with.”

“Alina …” His mother’s words again, tearing them apart. Is that what Alina thought? That he had done things against her will? That he was willing to? “I know you are upset with me for keeping you from your old life and forcing you to focus on your new one, but besides that … did I ever do anything against your will to make you believe her? Did I … not understand your consent? Did I make you think you had to? Did I touch you when you didn’t want to or …? ” He could not live with himself if any of that was true.

She was quiet for a moment. Her eyes flicked as she seemed to sort through memories or assess their previous interactions. “Never.”

“Then, why are you even considering believing her?”

“Because you didn’t give me a chance to make those decisions with full knowledge of who you are or the situation with Mal.”

The criticism hurt. Was it fair? He was so lost in his head that he wasn’t sure anymore. “It started with needing you to trust me, but then I got to know you. Would you understand if I said I was just so excited for someone to actually care about me … even if that required hiding who I was from you so you could.” Tears filled his eyes, but he would not let them fall. “Your love was so … addictive. I guess I just wanted to pretend that you could love me. It felt good.”

“You assume you had to hide who you were from me, that I couldn’t love who you actually are. You don’t know that. You didn’t give me a chance to even figure that out.”

“I’m trying to give you that chance now.”

“I know.”

“So?”

“So I’m giving you some tests.” She shrugged. “I’m trying to figure out what’s real. I’m paying attention to if you still lie to me, hide things from me, or if you try to manipulate me.”

“If it was a test, then did I pass?”

“You’re working on it.” She walked over to him and squeezed his arm. “Try not to spend the entire day stressing. Mal and I have a lot to catch up on. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Wait,” he said, rising from the bed and grabbing her arm before she could leave. She paused and looked up at him with curiosity but a bit of apprehension. He hated that she had been convinced to fear him, even a little, again. “I can’t let you go without a guard. Don’t give me grief about that. The tracker cannot protect you from Fjerdan assassins. Fedyor will still be sleeping off the extreme amount of alcohol we consumed last night. Let’s leave Ivan to tend to him. Plus, I’m more comfortable with Ivan guarding you at night.” He didn’t want to admit out loud that it was so he could know if she slept with the tracker. “Let me take you to Inessa,” he started to suggest just as the woman stepped into the doorway of the war room.

“Ivan sent for me. He thought you might need me this morning.” Aleksander smiled. That was exactly why Ivan was second-in-command. He always thought things through.

#aleksander x alina #alina x aleksander #aleksander morovoza #kirigan x alina #alina x kirigan #general kirigan #the darkling #alina x darkling #darklina

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quibblesticks · 3 years

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miraculous ladybug has a lot of potential as a show, and i think there's a lot of opportunities there to teach a lot of important lessons to young kids watching the show. i also think there's a lot of unexplored dynamics that i'm really eager to see there. so yeah, i'm going to talk about it.

first off, i want to talk about chat noir. i don't really plan to talk about the love square right now (i did actually do a post analyzing this, but the love square doesn't really factor into what i want to talk about) i actually wanted to talk about him, as a character. just by himself. he presents a really great opportunity for kids to be shown what an abusive, neglectful situation is and that they can move past it. (this doesn't only apply to little kids, of course, this applies to everybody.) also, though, his character and his relationship with ladybug show a really great example of what harassment is, even if it's unintentional. i wish the show would stop making out to be something cute and silly. she's asked him to stop, and she's been shown to be fed up with it before, but it's been pushed to the backburner, pulled out more for plot convenience than teaching anybody an actual lesson. what i would love to see, though, is ladybug sitting chat noir down for an actual conversation about consent and harassment. ideally, she would explain to him what it is and why it's a bad thing.* he'd apologize, agree to stop, and realize that it's happening to him, too (with lila).

*please keep in mind that i'm well aware that people are never, ever required to explain why they're upset by something like this, but given that it'd be there to teach a lesson to kids about why it's bad, i think this would be ideal. in a real life situation, this shouldn't be expected :)

second, characters! in fanon, i've seen a lot of chaotic marinette, the couffaine siblings adopting everyone with bad parents, that type of thing. and you want to know what? i've actually seen a lot of that happening, and i'm really happy with it! while recent episodes haven't been perfect (i'm talking about mr. pigeon 72 and marinette's problem listening to kagami when she says no/projecting onto kagami) but we have seen a lot of the things we wanted to see, like chaotic marinette (again, mr. pigeon 72) and rose being an absolute cutie pie who's multi-faceted (and also teaches a lesson about how to treat people with serious chronic illnesses!). i especially enjoyed how, in the new episode (sole-crusher), rose says she wants to adopt zoe. which is something we didn't know we needed, but couldn't live without now that we have it. subcategory: marinette marinette, i actually really like. don't get me wrong, she's a bit of a cheesy character, but i like that the creators got away from the concept that the only "strong female character" possible is one who's emotionally closed-off and great with weapons. and i love characters like that, don't get me wrong, but i also like that they're demolishing the narrative that you can't be simultaneously girly and strong. i think that, despite its cheesiness, the concept that marinette's openness and friendliness makes her a stronger character and a more effective hero is such a great lesson and i'm so glad it's being taught to kids.

third, character dynamics. characters are great, and all, but character dynamics really are my kryptonite. i love humorous character dynamics that work surprisingly well, like kagami and marinette. this is one of the ones i'd really like to see more of, because kagami and marinette, i think, could do a lot of good for each other. kagami needs freedom that marinette has been shown to help her gain, and marinette needs a calming force in her life as well as fighting training, which kagami's been proven to do. on top of this, i want to see more of the class sticking up for marinette. we've seen some of this in the past, but it's been a background element for the most part and i'd like for the class to realize "oh wait marinette's being bullied, actually, and we should seriously do something about this." it'd be a great basis for character development for other characters (especially juleka, ivan, adrien, and mylene) as well as another important for the little kids watching the show. i'd also love to note that the way the characters are presented this season is different than they've been presented in different seasons.

fourth, l o r e now that marinette's the guardian, and the order's been brought back, there's a very obvious opening for worldbuilding (i guess it could be considered that?). we've seen some of this, but i think it would be great if they elaborated more on this. we know that marinette can do magic now, that much is kind of obvious. it seems to be limited to potion-making. honestly, i desperately want to see her reach out to the order of the guardians for training. i want to see her grow into her newfound powers and abilities and to have a strong support system to fall back on.

i think the show, though (very clearly) made for kids, is a great watch and has a great foundation to go somewhere really good. it's got a lot of great set-ups to teach important lessons to little kids and teens/adults alike, and can make for a very interesting story.

in an ideal world, this show would have originally marketed towards teens and young adults. it'd be a bit grittier, and there would be more emphasis placed on the bad parts, like marinette's issues dealing with the responsibilities that have been pushed onto her. (i live for a bitter, morally grey marinette, ok?) however, given that this is a kids' show, it's still good and has so much potential to be better.

#miraculous ladybug #miraculous #marinette #ladybug #ml #mlb #season 4 #marinette dupain cheng #adrien #agreste #chat noir #cat noir #adrein agreste #lore #character dynamics #long rant about ml

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atruththatyoudeny · 4 years

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Monthly Reads | October 2020

Happy 28th! I probably sound like a broken record already but I have to say it again: this fandom has an insane amount of talented writers! I am in awe! Every single one of you is my hero! ♥♥♥ Here are all the 23 fics I read and loved this month:

✧ Welcome to The Rivalry | 2tiedships2 | a/b/o - strangers to lovers - enemies to lovers - rivalry - college - 19k “Welcome home!” Niall yelled, clapping his hands in excitement. “Isn’t it great?” Louis looked between Niall and the house, unsure how to respond. “I don’t understand,” Louis finally managed to say. “Aren’t we a little old to be living so close to campus?” Niall scoffed. “You’re only twenty-four for fuck’s sake. There is still plenty of partying left for us to do. What better place than one street over from where a car was set on fire after the Michigan game last year?” “Is there proof of that? Did the car have Michigan plates or something? Is there a photo I can send in a DM to Wolfie?” As if on cue, a Twitter notification popped up on Louis’ Apple watch. He had tweeted again. Or a reverse You’ve Got Mail au inspired by the Ohio State/Michigan rivalry. Featuring duplex neighbors, (kind of) enemies to lovers, and an anonymous Twitter feud between omega Louis and alpha Harry.

✧ Back to Seventeen | crimsontheory | teacher - soccer coach - 26k As a first grade teacher in a small town in Illinois, Harry’s life is pretty simple. He loves his job, is close with his family, and has a best friend he would go to the ends of the earth for. When a new soccer coach starts at the local high school, things start to get a bit more exciting for Harry. Because that coach just happens to be Louis Tomlinson; the guy Harry was unrequitedly in love with in high school. Or the one where Louis moves back to his hometown and Harry realizes he’s still not over his high school crush.

✧ Sigh for Sigh | logogram | historical - a/b/o - regency - miscommunication - pining - marriage of convenience - 11k When his father's sudden illness forces Harry to get married in a hurry, he's delighted that Lord Louis Tomlinson is the one who makes him an offer. Being married to Louis is just as wonderful as he imagined, except for one thing-- they haven't mated yet. Or the one where they're both idiots, Harry's afraid to say what he's thinking, and Louis's just trying to be honorable.

✧ We Can Find a Place to Feel Good | yeah_alright | 1960s - High School - school dances - 8k 14-year-old Harry is ecstatic to finally be old enough to experience the time-honored tradition of school dances. But with each year that passes and each dance he attends, he’s realizing they’re not all he used to hope they’d be. Especially when he can't actually dance with the person he most wants to. Maybe he and Louis can figure out their own ways to keep dancing, anyway.

✧ At Risk, I Fold | clare328 | canon compliant - established relationship - angst - emotional hurt/comfort - miscommunication - anxiety - implied/referenced alcohol abuse - 15k 2015 is a stream of hotel rooms and whisky on the rocks, tired glances and touching hands under tables. It’s the bears and the bees under a rainbow sky, and Harry and Louis have to figure out how to grow up together, instead of apart.

✧ Carry These Feelings | LadyLondonderry | fae Á faires - established relationship - magic - 3k Harry is one of the fae, and has to return to Court once a year to please the Queen. He makes a detour on his way home to Louis. Two weeks and I'll be home.

✧ Hung Up High in the Gallery | lovelarry10 | friends to lovers - slow burn - pining - 14k "Louis, lay still!” Louis sighed loudly, and Harry watched his chest puff out as he inhaled deeply, the breath he let out loudly making Harry’s curls shift. “I am, stop being so fussy. Can I see yet?” “Nope,” Harry remarked, smiling to himself. “I’m doing your chest next. Shit, this is going to look so good, Lou. Your tan and these colours… why haven’t we done this before?” “Because we haven’t been this drunk in a while, and it never occurred to me until tonight?” ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ When Harry’s best friend, Louis, comes to support him at his art show, he decides they need to do some celebrating afterwards. How fast do the lines between friends and lovers get blurred ... or better, get painted?

✧ Love you in the dark | Perzikje | historical - wedding night - arranged marriage - dubious consent - 10k The story of a historical wedding night: in which Louis is quite unaware as to just how clueless his brand new husband is about sex. They try their best to figure it out together.

✧ Victorian Boy | audreyhheart | historical - victorian - royalty - enemies to friends to lovers - slow burn - angst - murder mystery - 101k Victorian AU. Harry the virgin Duke of Somerset knows little of love, while Louis the sly Duke of Warwick knows too much. When the two dukes come together for the Bilsdale fox hunt in York, Harry finds himself drawn into Louis' bed. But when secrets from Louis' dark past come to light, Harry fears that the fox isn't the only one being hunted.

✧ the anticipation of knowing you | sweetrevenge | strangers to lovers - neighbors - light angst - 13k Hello Neighbor! Just wanted to let you know that you were having sex so loud and scarily I called our building manager and security officer because I thought you were hurt. P.S. I sent them away when I heard you yell ‘cock’. I’m sorry that I heard that, but I wanted you to know in case they stopped by to check on you or something. Sorry! Your neighbor Louis Tomlinson in apartment #306 After Louis overhears his next door neighbor having sex, he doesn’t really expect anything but awkward hallway encounters to come from it. Instead, he’s surprised to find himself in a whirlwind pen pal relationship with the sweet, albeit loud, baker next door.

✧ We'll Be All Right | dandelionfairies | married couple - accridents - 13k Harry is performing his one night only show in LA but there are four very important people missing.

✧ The Last Song of Your Life | reminiscingintherain | famous/not famous - Rays of Sunhsine - homophobia - 21k As Harry glanced around at all of the faces, he froze as a very familiar pair of blue eyes leapt out at him. A pair of eyes that he hadn’t seen since before the One Direction bomb exploded. A pair of eyes that he never expected to see again. ~~~~ or the famous/not famous AU, with first love, miscommunication, interfering bandmates, and adorable little sisters.

✧ Her | jaerie | a/b/o - trans character - transitioning - dysphoria - anxiety - quarantine - 7k The buttery swipe of a high quality lipstick was almost a sexual experience in and of itself. This time a deep colour with purple undertones which drew out the emphasis of long, dark lashes and perfectly contoured cheekbones. It was a look for loose and styled curls, feeling the classy formal nightclub vibes reflected back from the mirror. The silky plum coloured slip dress would be perfect to debut. The tags still needed to be cut free from the new garment that hung in the closet, but tonight was the night to set it free. When Harry gets home, she can finally be who she wants to be. Letting someone else in always feels like a distant daydream to her... until it suddently isn't.

✧ Loving You's the Antidote | lululawrence | Stylinshaw - a/b/o - touch deprivation - hospitalization - soulmates - polyamory - anxiety - friends to lovers - no smut - 11k Nick and Harry had never been an obvious match. When eighteen-year-old Harry, newly presented as an omega, came home freshly bonded to Nick, a man nine years his elder and a beta no less, Anne had been more than skeptical and Eileen had shared some harsh words of her own. That didn’t deter them, though, and their families soon realised there really was something special about the bondmates that allowed them to work together almost seamlessly. It was only a few months later that Harry started getting sick. Or the one where Harry and Nick have been able to keep Harry's disorder at bay over the course of their relationship, but when they move to London and away from their support system, they find themselves in desperate need of help.

✧ Like A Neon Sign | reminiscingintherain | canon compliant - mentions of death - fluff - 8k Harry had always been perfect to Louis, through every age, through every stage, and in all the important ways, he was proud to have been able to witness the growth that Harry had experienced first-hand.

✧ We Had Everything | lightswoodmagic (sarah_writes) | exes to lovers - getting back together - famous/not famous - 3k “You know Harry’s coming, yeah?” Louis’ fingers twitched, faltering where he was straightening the knot in his tie as he tried to ignore the false nonchalance in Zayn’s voice. He had no idea how he missed the name on the invite list, how he skipped over the initials on the small gifts, didn’t notice the elegant swirl of Harry’s name inked onto an emerald green place card. Or, Louis and Harry fell apart, and Louis' never forgiven himself. He gets a second chance at Zayn and Liam's wedding.

✧ True To Your Heart | reminiscingintherain | Mulan AU - a/b/o - 13k The world was at war with itself. In the small country of Enilenif, in a tiny, often overlooked corner of the world, young Alphas were quickly signing up to fight, desperate to protect their Omegas and their country as Aidem began to attack their borders. A few defiant Omegas tried to enlist as well, but were firmly turned away with disapproving looks by the staff in the office. Harry Styles was one such Omega, sighing heavily as he kicked at a small stone on his walk home.

✧ What the Water Gave Me | larryatendoftheday | fantasy - mermaids - long distance relationship - 29k When a mermaid crawls out of the sea to listen to Harry sing, it changes everything.

✧ it’s hard for me to go home | localopa | angst - breakup - getting back together - 5k don’t call me baby again

✧ The Prince and the Thief | jaerie | Fairy Tale - a/b/o - strangers to lovers - violence - kidnapping - threats of rape/non-con - 19k Harry is an omega prince locked in a tower and Louis is the thief sent to kidnap him. Nothing turns out as planned.

✧ Up On The Shore | wordsnnotes | Eroda AU - magic - epistolary - friends to lovers - childhood friends - emotional/psychological abuse - angst - long-distance relationship - domestic violence - 34k Magic has been outlawed on Eroda ever since President Cowell came into power, and all the magic people had to go live on the island of Stonell. Things are not looking good for Harry when he finds out he's a magician and his abilities seem more and more out of control. Thankfully, his best friend Niall's mother has the idea to put him in touch with Louis, a magician boy living on Stonell. They begin a secret correspondence and drama ensues. Or: Louis hides his feelings under sarcasm, Harry is too sweet for his own sake, everyone is a rebel, the mums are amazing, Harry's dad is a jerk, and I'm struggling to make it understandable without using normal narration.

✧ this town's just an ocean now | louistomlinsons | exes to lovers - friends to lovers - summer romance - miscommunication - childhood friends - light angst - fluff - 31k “I have really great friends. Do you remember Louis? You guys were always hanging out when you were growing up.” Harry remembers Louis. Harry remembers Louis. Suddenly, his throat feels way too dry, despite the ice cream he keeps licking at. He chokes a little on a chocolate chip before saying, “I, uh. I remember Louis.” Her face brightens. “We have dinner every Sunday. He owns the house now. His parents moved further north, and he wanted to stay here, so they just gave it over. Now if you want to worry about someone being lonely, that’s who I worry about.” inspired by watermelon sugar, featuring picnics on the beach and boys being dumb

✧ I Am the Blinking Light | dearmrsawyer | ghosts - shipwreck - 19k There is a legend of a lighthouse far out to sea. It can’t be found on any map, and those who do find it never return. They say a ghost haunts the lighthouse, and you can hear it calling out in loneliness on the ocean waves.

#28th appreciation #fic rec #my fic rec #monthly reads #completed fics #larry fics

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slowlyreadinghouseofmirth · 3 years

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Page 7

In truth, he had never liked her as well as at that moment -> Selden's affections here are plain to see, made so especially by subordinate clause 'in truth' which conveys an honesty and freshness about his feelings. Most importantly, he likes her when she is being her true self, unconventional, and willing to take risk. It's likely informed by his disillusion with high society and finding commonality in someone willing to disregard its etiquette. This is where Lily is unique.

There's also this sense that Selden likes Lily because she is impulsive and this sparks his curiosity to try and understand why she does the things she does-- understand Lily as a person.

He knew she had accepted without afterthought: -> This reaffirms Lily's lack of hesitancy, which alludes to how willing she is to be in Selden's company. It also shows how comfortable she is with him as she is aware of the rumours that could occur but never merits them with being a possibility, showing great trust.

Alternatively, being aware of the risks and having not afterthoughts could suggest that she doesn't fully understand the risks' depth and nuance as in future the situation at Monte Carlo would suggest, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

he could never be a factor in her calculations -> there's a colon that separates this clause from the previous one which suggests this is an explanation for Lily's certainty. To me this would point more towards Lily not really associating the risk of rumours with Selden because she trusts him so much. i.e she does not think of him when she thinks of the risks. But given that they are going up to his apartment it seems strange that Selden would not think himself a factor in her decision. It's therefore possible that he thinks that Lily does not think of him worthy of great consideration.

Also the noun 'calculations' would suggest a lot of thought had gone into the decision where it was previously implied it was one of impulse. This seems like Selden thinks that Lily is playing an intricate game, which further demonstrates his curiosity about her and need to understand her.

there was a surprise, a refreshment almost, in the spontenaity of her consent -> This further contrasts Selden's perception of Lily's 'calculations' and I think the narration is a fine weave between objective reality--where Lily is impulsive-- and Selden's subjective perceptions-- where Lily appears impulsive but there is something more complex informing her decisions. I think this is meant to show that Selden is blinded somewhat by his affections for Lily, seeing things deeper than what are there or what everybody else sees. Alternatively, we as the reader lack Selden's sight into the complexities of Lily and so she is introduced to us as other people see her, which isn't well at all, and we have to learn how Selden sees her. It's a challenge to care for Lily as he does.

The spontaneity invokes a light hearted and refreshing feeling of being in love which mirrors the honest of truth mentioned earlier.

So there's Selden's surprise at Lily being so spontaneous which draws back to a previous point about she is unique for being impulsive almost reckless. It's like we get a sense of her character and her environment from how the two are at odds with each other. Lily is impulsive; noone else of her class should be like that. In a way that makes her free from the system and yet shows her struggle against it but ultimately her struggle will be more defining.

She noticed the letters and notes heaped on the table -> I assume that this is a reference to future letters although I don't know if they would be the same ones. If they were, I don't even have the mental capacity to unpack that. Just the thought that Lily's fall is inevitable, that even when she is happy, having a nice time, an unknown omen lurks within the same room that will bring her sorrow... oh its symbolic, for sure. But I don't want to think about it.

Lily sank into one of the shabby leather chairs -> the verb 'sank' shows how at home Lily really is with this kind of surroundings, how the shabby whilst not fashionable or expensive, is comfortable. From this we and the the pile of letters we get an image of a a slightly disorderly but well-lived in home. This is one of the tragedies where we see the possibility of what her future with Selden could look like where it is unconventional but Lily is comfortable at home even with it.

"How delicious to have a place like this all to oneself! What a miserable thing it is to be a woman," -> I love Lily's exaggerated turns of phrases like 'delicious' and the exclamations; I think Wharton's emphasis on these exaggerations is to capture Lily's innocence through her speech by making it similar to that of a child who is easily excitable.

Again with the exaggeration but this time with 'miserable', we get the sense that Lily has found the world difficult as a woman to live in but miserable seems too strong of a word, certainly at this stage in the book and is sort of hidden within her other hyperbolised expressions. Maybe this creates a kind of cry-wolf situation where, when Lily properly starts to struggle, people don't take notice not only because it wasn't the done thing to do to talk about struggles but also because of her melodramatic personality, everyone thought the same stuff was happening as it had before and Lily was making a big fuss over nothing.

There is repetition of 'miserable' in association to being of female sex further down the page which is another example of Lily's melodrama. But at this point we as a modern audience start to question if she is actually alright (or at least I did). I'm not sure if a contempary audience if the time would have given the strict taboo over discussing any kind of struggle financial/physical health etc. let alone the discussion of mental health. From the impression I get of the time, the only real source of outlet for people struggling with mental health beyond self medication was art, which makes me wonder as to the position Wharton is writing this from.

she leaned back in a luxury of discontent -> The juxtaposition of 'luxury' and 'discontent' raises an important theme that wealth does not equate happiness and that Lily is not happy as a socialite but happy in the company of Selden, and that actually money is the source of Lily's unhappiness. In this specific context, she is lamenting her lack of freedom to live the lifestyle that Selden does.

"Even women," he said "Have been know to enjoy the privaledges of a flat." -> Putting the discourse marker directly after the subject of 'women' breaks it apart from the rest of the sentence and emphasises the extraordinariness of women being able to live independently. But it also raises the possibility of it and suggests that Selden thinks Lily is extraordinary and unconventional enough to achieve the possibility if she chose to.

"Oh governesses– or widows. But not girls– not poor, miserable, marriageable girls!" -> Again we have the breakdown of womanhood into distinct classes like governess, widows, and girls,which creates the idea that there's no intersections between any of them and is a reflection of of societies fixation for categorisation which loses sight the complexity of situations and problems. And it also makes it easier to place social stigmas like those on governesses and widows. Those stigmas are made apparent here but in contrast to how Lily describes girls, being a governess or a widow seems desirable.

In the list of adjectives 'poor, miserable, marriageable', marriageable is equated to these other adjectives and we see that Lily associates marriage with a poverty of kind, of the heart.

It's also interesting that Lily talks about herself as a girl where Selden speaks of her as a woman. Lily plays up her innocence as she has probably been taught to to make desirable marital match, but with that Lily carries around an air of immaturity and naïvity; she's still very child-like. Perhaps that's a part of her that's trying to cling to her youth so she doesn't have to face her future where she will need to marry to survive. Lily sees her adulthood as a constraint on her and her desires whereas Selden sees her potential.

"you mean Gerty Farish," she smiled a little unkindly. "But I said marriageable–" -> Okay so definitely a little tone deaf on Lily's part buts she's honest to a fault and her honesty is refreshing and entertaining.

I'm no expect on autism and don't claim to be but there's something about Lily's mannerisms here that reminds me of people who I know and am very close with who are autistic. And it makes me wonder if Lily was autistic and neurodivergence was recognised in her time if her fate would have been any different.

"Her cook does the washing and her food tastes if soup. I should hate that you know." -> I just love the imagery of the first sentence, it strikes my funnybone. I guess it also illustrates that Lily's privileged upbringing if she thinks this is a bad situation to live in.

Okay I'm going to bring in a bit of a technical term to describe the verb 'should'. So it's a modal verb (expressing possibility based on context) but specifically a deontic modal verbal, meaning that Lily's hate depends on social rules. When she says she should hate it it implies that society wants her to hate it but she wouldn't necessarily hate it. That's what that verb phrase implies in today's english, but language has changed since the time it was written so it may not have been written with this meaning, especially as a signifier of an older text is the use of modal verbs in places we wouldn't today and a lot more of them.

The shift from Selden's reflections to the quick dialogue and short simple sentences of action creates a lively and charged atmosphere that feels almost flirtatious in its rhythm but by the nature of the content is more domestic (preparing afternoon tea). The balanced turn taking feels comfortable in that they both have equal power in the conversation, being allowed to say what they want to and being listened to. It goes towards simulating what a possible future could be and also shows how happy they are in this moment.

#House of mirth #hom blogging #hom meta #Page 7 #Okay so I'm writing out these explanations ant half two in the morning off an emotional high/low of finishing sex ed s3 so apologies #I also did an English exam today so I may be more formal than usual sorry

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hybridequalist · 3 years

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Thinking Out Loud (Part 4)

Okay, so I ended up lying. This is a few months late to the cross-post from AO3. (Link here) But in any case, here it is if you prefer to read on tumblr.

Previous Chapter (tumblr link)

Taglist: @nesli26, @manga-crazy, @venomemes, @galleyleelol, @makingtimemine, @jackie-sugarskull, @nightshade7117, @skysthelimit291, @randomshizzles101, @inumorph, @snow-massacre, @phantom-fangirl-stuff, @pixellated-sparks, @vsalamandor2, @otaku-mai, @snarky-badger

You woke up slowly, feeling heavy from a deep, dreamless sleep. The apartment was eerily quiet aside from a faint scraping sound repeating over and over. Your psychic “hearing” took a minute to focus on the three minds in the other room, but once it did, you were overwhelmed by the internal conversation Eddie and Venom were having.

“I LIKE THIS FEMALE. WE SHOULD OFFER OUR PROTECTION TO HER. ”

“I don’t think that would go over well. Remember the last time we were tased? ”

“SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO KNOW. ”

“Consent is important buddy. Not to mention we don't wanna freak out the tenants either."

Lauren's thoughts were more structured--she was writing her words down and concentrating on that communication. However, that didn't stop her from sneaking glances at Eddie and sizing him up, trying to guess details about his life and personality. Currently she was sneaking glances at his biceps...for some reason you really didn’t want to dwell on too long.

"EDDIE, I HEAR HER," Venom whispered to his host. Like, actually whispered; his mental voice was somehow quieter than usual.

“She’s awake? That was faster than I thought. She seem ok? ”

“I THINK SHE’S LISTENING IN. MORSEL, IF YOU ARE, GO AHEAD AND KEEP RESTING. WE WILL OCCUPY THE COLORFUL FEMALE .”

The last two words were accompanied by a mental image of Lauren with an intense focus on her vibrant hair and current choice of large earrings. You also caught the tail end of a thought that was very distinctly non-human and carried traces of a predatory desire to grab the shiny, colorful things. Eddie’s thoughts quickly curbed it--a nonverbal suppression that Venom agreed with.

You slumped back into the mattress, turning your gaze inward as you stretched and assessed your body.

You were a little sore, especially in your chest. The hyperventilation from the panic attack really did a number on you it seemed. Your hands also felt a little stiff in the joints, but it didn’t hurt to move them.

Panic attacks didn’t always end up hurting after the fact, but it wasn’t wholly uncommon. Fatigue was usually the worst aftereffect, your body struggling to recover from your survival response to an imagined threat. It sometimes went away after a good sleep, but today was going to be one of those days where the heaviness settled into your bones and made even the smallest tasks far more tiring than they ought to be.

The once-over complete, you decided you were up for leaving the bed...but not the blanket, which dragged on the floor after you like a fluffy train. You gently pushed open the door and poked your head out, peering at the kitchen down the hall, catching sight of Eddie's leather jacket at the corner of the table.

A jolt of nerves coiled in your stomach and you pulled the blanket cloak around you a little tighter. With Eddie and Venom’s attention focused mostly on Lauren, their thoughts didn’t reflect what they thought of your panic attack. What if they thought you were pathetic? Or too fragile to be around? What if they had never seen a panic attack and thought you were somehow sick?

“EDDIE, SHE’S UP. SHE’S IN THE HALL. HER BREATHING WENT ALL FUNNY AGAIN. ”

Venom’s rumbling thoughts broke through the returning panic spiral. With effort, you stepped out from the hallway and into Lauren’s line of sight. Eddie caught your gaze, brow furrowed, but before you could properly react to him, your landlady took up your view.

Lauren looked you up and down, appraising your condition. While her face seemed only lightly concerned, her thoughts were at war: her motherly tendency to worry battled with her desire to give you space and the noverbal clash of feelings was giving you secondhand mental whiplash.

“Do you need something to eat? Or drink?” she signed. You replied with the sign for water and she bustled off to fill a glass.

“So, uh,” Eddie started, then paused, looking for the right words to finish his question. He finally went with: “How are you doin’ right now? Did your rest do you any good?”

You nodded and sat next to him at the table, reaching for the notepad he and Lauren had used before your arrival.

I’m achy, but otherwise fine now. Mostly.

“YOU WERE HIGHLY DISTRESSED. DID SOMETHING HAPPEN? CAN WE STOP IT FROM HAPPENING TO YOU AGAIN? ”

Venom’s concern felt...oddly directed. He didn’t fully understand what had happened and Eddie’s explanations hadn’t entirely cleared up his confusion. He was under the impression that someone had threatened you or you had some logical reason to freak out. He wanted to find the source of that stress and remove it, like pulling out a thorn.

Mindful that Lauren would probably read whatever you wrote down later, you set about composing your explanation.

It was a panic attack. Sometimes there’s a reason, but most of the time, I start thinking about something stressful and it gets so overwhelming my body reacts like I’m actually in danger.

Eddie and Venom conferred briefly about your explanation and suddenly the symbiote had a new question. You felt your gut twist as you felt the guilt his thoughts now carried.

“DID WE DO THAT TO YOU? DID WE FRIGHTEN YOU OR STRESS YOU? ”

Again, you were careful with your words.

It wasn’t anything you directly said or did. It was more about the prospect of being in a social situation at all. I don’t go out much, so I started overthinking the minor details. It spiraled really quickly from there.

Lauren put down a tall glass of ice water on the table in front of you. You signed your thanks, put down the pen and gulped the cool liquid, savoring the relief it brought your scratchy throat.

“How long was I asleep?” you asked Lauren.

“4 hours.”

“You’ve been talking to Eddie for 4 hours?!”

“He has to write really slow for me to read it. His normal handwriting is too messy. Plus, we took a lunch break.”

Lunch break?! You snatched the pen back up.

I’m so sorry I had to miss out on the lunch. You wanted to show me something and

Eddie’s hand intercepted yours, not grabbing it but rather gently holding you back from writing any more. It was only a moment of skin contact, but it made a jolt run through you and immediately snagged your attention.

“Don’t worry about it. Honestly, I’m just glad you’re ok and gonna be getting better. We can reschedule if you want. No problem.”

You instinctively glanced up, looking for his thoughts. You found nothing but sincerity from Eddie. Venom was....well, you weren’t actually sure what he was thinking. On a surface level, he agreed with his host, but underneath that there was some lingering frustration. The symbiote had apparently been really excited to show you something and this forced patience wasn’t entirely sitting well with him.

You carefully moved Eddie’s still-hovering hand and started on a new line.

What about the stuff you wanted to talk about? You wrote, uncertainty and guilt still gnawing at you.

“It can wait. Seriously. My buddy wasn’t even really ready to show off his new trick; he gets excited easy.”

“I SPENT ALL NIGHT PRACTICING! I AM TOTALLY READY! APOLOGIZE! ”

“You’re ready, Vee, but it’s my hands you need if you want to show her in public. And it’s a little soon to invite her to the apartment. ”

“SHE’S ALREADY BEEN TO THERE. I DON’T SEE WHAT THE HOLD UP IS .”

“Those...were extenuating circumstances. And besides, it was more you than me that brought her there. In any case, she’s still getting to know us and I want her to get used to us in public before we do any of your other ideas. ”

It was amazing how quickly they could turn the conversation internal and how much it resembled a verbal discussion rather than truly sharing thoughts. Was it because they knew you were listening? Or was it just their natural state when switching from direct talking to others to each other?

Eddie caught sight of you looking and gave an awkward smile.

“Sorry to keep secrets, but--”

He was interrupted by a ringtone blaring from his jacket. He sighed heavily and snatched his phone.

“It’s my boss. I got an interview in an hour. Sorry to say that I gotta run. I’ll text you later, so go ahead and take it easy for a bit. I’ll leave you to your landlady’s care.”

He waved to Lauren as he answered his phone, turning on his heel to leave. Venom mentally grumbled but gave a nonverbal farewell directed at you. You stared after them long after the door closed, uncertain what to think.

Lauren sat next to you and started signing.

“Well, now I know why you called him a hot mess. Emphasis on the hot.”

You hated how fast your cheeks flushed.

#venom #venom movie #fanfiction #fanfic #reader #venom x reader #selectively mute character #deaf character #hybridwrites

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chattingwiththelightkeeper · 3 years

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Alpha, A Red Flag (Part Two)

Since I have shared why I feel the use of the label alpha is a red flag when it is used by a submissive, it is only fair that I share my view on so-called alpha dominants (You can find that writing here). So if that sentence did not give you a clue, I believe that alpha when used by a d-type is a red flag and perhaps an even larger one than when employed by a submissive.

There are a lot of different descriptors when it comes to classifying dominants, so I want to walk through the majority of them along with some that I disagree with and then I will share more about why, for me, alpha, with one exception, is a red flag.

It is also important to keep in mind that lifestyle labels can and do mean different things to different people, so what I am sharing today is simply my opinion and I expect others to have differing opinions. So it is time to get this party of a post started with labels that point to those on the d-side of life.

The obvious place to start is the plain Jane dominant. I believe the best way to sum up a dominant, without writing a novella, is a person who finds soulful joy in leading another in a consensual relationship. A traditional dominant more often than other ‘styles’ I feel will be more service and/or protocol-driven. It is important to not confuse these traits as dominance, cockiness, domineering, and selfishness. I believe a dominant is self-assured, yet still possesses insecurities, they are not authoritarian and are selfless rather than selfish.

Some d-types will describe themselves as being gentleman or lady dominants. Typically these people prioritize being courteous and considerate to not only their submissive but to the world as well. This is in my opinion one of the ‘titles’ in the lifestyle where actions are truly more important than words.

Often but not always linked with the ladies and gentlemen of dominance is the title of daddy/mommy. It often feels like this is quickly becoming a very popular role for new d-types. There are often many assumptions about mommy/daddy dominants so this is a role where asking the question of what it means to a person is very important. Typically, a daddy or mommy dominant will wish more on guiding/caring for their submissive than the traditional dominant’s emphasis on service and protocol. Additionally, a mommy/daddy d-type may want and/or enjoy age regression play, however it is important to not assume this because many who embrace this title are not fans of it.

Now it is time to talk about those big M’s, that is right the mistresses and masters. The M & M’s of the lifestyle have taken this title because of two main reasons. No, it is not because like the Seinfeld episode, they are masters of their domains but rather they have invested a significant about of time ‘mastering’ a skill within the wizarding world of BDSM or they have, currently, in real-life a submissive partner who identifies as a slave. The M & M titles are honorifics that online need to be viewed very carefully. Many of the esteemed online twattwaffle community take these titles not because they have invested years learning a special lifestyle skill nor are they in a relationship with a slave but they have selected it because it sounds impressive. Online, I recommend being cautious of anyone who has taken one of the M’s as a title, unless of course, you are chatting with the M, head of MI-6 and your name is Bond, James Bond.

While often not as ‘strict’ as those who are legitimate mistresses or masters, but very much a ‘kissing cousin’ are those d-types who use owner in their description. An owner will typically think of their s-type as simply property. They may treat their s-type this way all of the time or perhaps just some of the time. If you are newer to the lifestyle this might sound shocking and maybe a bit disconcerting but there are submissive who enjoy behaving like a piece of furniture, a pet (role-playing a kitten/puppy are fairly common), and those who own or wish to own a person who identifies as a slave.

This one is going to hurt for sure because it is time to address those pains in the butt, and other places, known as sadists. Just in case anyone was not clear on what a sadist is, a simple way to define one is a person to takes pleasure, often in a sexual nature, from inflicting pain on another. A word of warning, this does not always equate to physical pain, say from a spanking, but there are emotional sadists out there who get their pleasure inflicting mental soreness. Please remember that a sadist in lifestyle does what they do with and only with the consent of their partner and those who engage in this without or after consent has been revoked are not sadists in my lifestyle dictionary but simply abusers.

There are ‘softer’ sadists out there and these d-types will often pick sensual sadist as a way to categorize the difference. These folks do enjoy the infliction of pain but they mix it with sensual/sexual pleasure. Many dominants will fall here as they may enjoy, for example, giving a hard and painful spanking but mixing it with erotic touching/caressing.

People today will often tell you that they can be coarse or perhaps unfiltered is a better wording and in the lifestyle, there is a place for these dominants. A d-type who calls themselves primal would typically mean that at times they are without filter or animalistic. Immediately, I believe that most will associate roughness or hardness with primal but I have learned that it can also be softer and surprisingly loving. Those unfiltered feelings can indeed be rough but they can also attach to animalistic expressions of love and affection.

I want to talk about a subset that I am very much undereducated about, and writing this post helped me learn and reminded me there is always more to learn about the lifestyle. This is the Leathermen. When I first was introduced to the lifestyle many years back, identifying as a Leathermen was similar to asking “Are you a friend of Dorothy?” as it was almost exclusively made up of gay men as this group had its roots in post-World War Two motorcycle clubs that catered to gay veterans. But it now includes all genders and sexualities and focuses on those who enjoy the sensuality of leather. It is also often thought of as “old guard” and high protocol but that has also evolved as well with groups that are very low protocol.

Now to talk about roles that may or may not indicate a person is dominant.

Starting with a role that I am sure most people have seen and this is a top. A top is a person who enjoys being in charge during a ‘play’ scene but they may not be dominant outside of play but they could be. I think a good way to look at a top are those who enjoy being dominant but just in the bedroom because a top is a person who enjoys being dominant during play but it is unknown if they embrace that role outside of this realm.

Some people identify as dominant but these people are what I call the lifestyle’s lifeguards. Now, this sounds pretty noble but I am left questioning if they are truly dominant. The reason I say this is these white knights are focused on rescuing endangered submissives. These people rush in to save a submissive who is drowning in a tough situation, lead them to shore, giving them first aid once they get them to shore but after that, there is nothing left for them. Their ‘fetish’ is the saving, so once that submissive is saved from the sea, they want to find their next sinking submissive rather than walk off into the sunset with the recently saved submissive. So I put a question mark if these individuals are truly d-types or just have a fetish for saving others.

When I say the word trainer, what do you think of it? Training wheels on a bike? Maybe a medical professional that runs onto a sports field when an athlete is injured? Perhaps the person at the gym who motivates you to do a few more reps? In the lifestyle, there is a group of people who love to get their hands on brand new submissives, to train them. My belief is no submissive needs to be trained. Educated, yes but training is a hard no. No matter what side of the slash a person is on, I believe they should seek out mentors who are that same side of the slash to learn from. So many of the trainers out there especially online are doing so to simply get their hands on ‘fresh meat’ rather than to educate. While this is not universal, my belief and advice is that this lifestyle has a trainer danger. If anyone reading this is newer, focus on learning from those who share your role rather than learning from the other side of the proverbial slash.

Show me the MONEY! Sorry for the Jerry McGuire moment, but next up is the ‘findom’. Findom is short for finical dominant. No this is not a dominant stockbroker who wants to lead a submissive to personal growth and an amazing portfolio but typically will require tribute, AKA money/presents, for attention. Give them X amount of cash or purchase them exotic/expensive gifts to receive/earn their attention. For me, this is not dominance in any form and should have no place in the lifestyle. However, if you believe otherwise, I have been eyeing a new Ferrari and a heli-skiing trip and in return, I will share lots of pictures of the car and the mountains.

This post is getting a little long, so long in fact that I am hungry. Since I am hankering for some nourishment, it brings me to feeders. Just like the financial dominant, I feel this is something that should not be part of the lifestyle. A feeder is a person who likes to ‘lead’ their partner to gain unhealthy amounts of weight and they take pleasure the larger the partner becomes. Here is my issue, I believe that a dominant leads their submissive to be the best they can be, and leading their submissive into unhealthy choices that may lead to long-term health challenges, and quite possibly an early death is not what a dominant does.

While this rhymes with feeder and in my view does not belong in the lifestyle either is the breeder. I truly wish I was talking horse racing and the Breeder’s Cup but sadly here in kinklandia, there is a group of supposed d-types who have a fetish for breeding or to sum it up as impregnating women. This is not, for example, a D/S couple in their 20’s, committed, and doing a role play about ‘making babies’ on their honeymoon but men who have the fetish of meeting a stranger, having unprotected sex with them in the hope that they will ‘knock them up’. Sadly, this could not exist if there were not those out there looking to ‘be bred’. I do not know how to say this but making babies and having babies should never be a kink or fetish. While there are many reasons people have children, this, for me, is not one of them and a kink for making babies should not part of the lifestyle.

Now, we come to those who save me a trip to Wal-Mart on a bad day. These are the oh-so-loveable instapots, oops sorry, insta d-types. Everyone who has explored the lifestyle online has run into these numskulls and when I see or hear their dribble, I thank my lucky stars I am not submissive. The malarkey they spout is jaw-dropping. So please, should a new dominant have read this post, rather than abandoning it to search for more porn, please work to educate yourself. The cow pies that come out of insta-doms mouths and keyboards give them away to new and not-so-new submissives. Learn, grow, and then look for love please, I beg of you. If you are wondering why the instapots of the lifestyle keep from Wal-Mart, well I joke that when I am having a bad day, I can go to Wal-Mart, people watch for a bit, masked and safely socially distanced, and quickly realize I am not doing so badly and life is good. The beauty of the instapots is thanks to the internet, I do not even need to leave my house to have that Wally World experience, just bop around looking for their posts.

While I know I have not crafted a complete list of styles or types of dominants, I feel I did a decent job covering many of the popular categories plus I wanted to shine my light on some of the types that might or might not be authentic d-types. Now, this brings me to why alpha dominant is a personal red flag. I spent quite a bit of time reading what many who identify as alphas have expressed as to why they are one and many of the how-to guides on how to become one. So much of this was just facepalming and strangely, the alphas reminded me of the jocks from the Revenge of the Nerds movies.

Just like over on the alpha submissive side of things, the label of alpha feels linked to gender and sexual orientation. Those who have taken to calling themselves alpha doms appeared to me to be all heterosexual men. I am sure there is an exception to this out there but I simply did not find them. I am a firm believer that gender and/or sexual orientation are not required for any lifestyle role or title

Next, we need to talk about kielbasa. I want to put the phony baloney pony myth to bed. Sorry to tell you Sir Richard from the house of Lancelot, the size of your broadsword has nothing to do with anything else. The size of a man’s wang does not determine their role in the lifestyle. If dominance was linked to ‘size’ it would make meetings at work a whole lot easier, just unzip, set the goods on the conference room table, and then dictate assignments but all that will do is cause termination, lawsuits, and possibly a Supreme Court nomination. In all sincerity, penis size has nothing to do with anything guys because you can have a penis that is mistaken as a third leg and be a horrid lover while Tiny Tim can make her scream with pleasure until the cock cackles in the morning. How much (or little) “God gave you” does not make you a good or bad lover plus it has nothing to do with BDSM!

One of the good doctors of this alpha myth proclaims that if one of his domly minions encounters a woman who is only mediocre, or worse, at giving oral sex it is because she has never been properly taught by an alpha d-type. If her artistry is just acceptable, she may have had some direction from a “pseudo dom”. Seriously, sexual savvy has zero to do with this lifestyle. Within the community, some people are amazing dominants and submissives who do not enjoy oral sex and it is a hard limit. Sexual acts, the desire for them or the proficiency they are performed with has zero to with whatever role in the lifestyle is your home. The D/S lifestyle is not about sex, sexual acts, or someone’s prowess in the bedroom, so please do not fall for the false prophets who purport this jabberwocky.

The alpha apostles also preach that wealth and power equal dominance as well as desirability. Now, I want you to remove your political glasses for this next statement, just look at it through a neutral lens. If wealth combined with power is the scale that determines a dominance ‘level’ as well as desirability, this would make Vladdy Putin one of the most admired and desired men with submissive women. I tried hard to take my politics out of that but it did make me throw up on my mouth just a bit, sorry about that. Wealth only creates desirability for those who crave what money can buy. Do any of you believe that Anna Nichole Smith truly loved her elderly husband, found him a turn on sexually, or was it a billion other reasons she married him? Additionally, what is the one thing we know about power? Power is the biggest corrupter of humans. Yes, some rare individuals handle power with dignity and grace but it is also used to bully, belittle, and bludgeon. Affluence and privilege are not prerequisites for dominance and these should never be used to determine role within the community. Besides what does that say to Joe the Plumber? Is he unable to be an alpha because he is not blessed with wealth or a prestigious career?

These same missionaries also evangelize that a dominant must be physically fit. I believe that a d-type needs to take care of themselves physically because in a position of leadership it is important to be healthy mentally as well as physically, however, the alpha proponents take things to the extreme here. The expectation is that abs of steel are coupled with Biff the bodybuilder’s over-the-top workout routine (please do not forget to grunt loudly every time you pick something up). As I am writing this I am having visions of Hans and Franz saying “we are here to spank you up” rather than pump you up (if you do not remember this SNL skit, let google be your guide for a nice laugh). The health of our minds and bodies is important and need not be overlooked or neglected however the lifestyle is not something that can be sculpted in a gym. The weights that a dominant must lift are in their mind as they learn, grow and educate themselves about the lifestyle. Just because you CrossFit ninety hours a week does not make you a dominant. The exchange of power is mental, so it is important both the mind and body are healthy but how much you can bench-press is immaterial.

I also need to say that dominants are not perfect creatures. Dominants, and many amazing ones, struggle with physical or mental health issues. No one, no dominant, is exempt from facing medical challenges. Somehow the truth that d-types are human, and will be afflicted with the same struggles every person, even vanilla and submissives face.

Some of the alpha ministers will also preach a Yogi the Bear sermon to you. “Hey there Boo-Boo Submissive I’m smarter than the av-er-age dominant!” attempting to claim another alpha distinction. They say they are smarter than the av-er-age d-type and in fact, I have heard several submissives say many of these Yogis think that they are so intelligent they know what submissive women want. They do not need to invest time to get to know a submissive because they already know you better than you know yourself. Just do as they say and you will be amazed! Sorry to tell you Yogi the Alpha, while I certainly do not know what every submissive wants, you do not know what they want either. To know what someone wants needs and dreams of requires investing time and effort into getting to know them. There is not a one size fits all knowledge base out there and even if you have won a Golden Goose Award ten years running, the dominant who invests in a submissive will know what they want and need even if they consider an issue of Archie demanding reading. If someone is indeed more intelligent than the average bear, they need to use that brainpower to invest in a person rather than relying on Ranger’s Jellystone Park one size fits all guidebook. Submission is not a picnic basket you can steal but it must be earned and freely offered.

The alpha propagandist also puts forth a dominant must achieve success in their career. Not only must they be successful, but the career must also be prestigious and admired. There is nothing wrong if you are someone who finds one of those careers their purpose and passion but also has the lifestyle as part of who they are. Sadly the flip side of this is that it excludes masses of people based on something that has no connection to dominance. I also wonder how these views might influence a young man who is exploring the lifestyle as they work to construct their future. Will they feel compelled to pursue a career that is not a fit for them or would they possibly decide to abandon exploring the lifestyle because they know their choices in the working world will exclude them from deciding to find a place within the lifestyle? The choices we all make on how we are going to educate ourselves as well as the way we make a living can tell a lot about who we are people but the one thing it cannot be used is as a guide to who is or is not a dominant plus it should never be used as a method to exclude people from the lifestyle.

A quick trip over to the land of google reveals that the alpha world is filled with a zillion and one guides on how to become ‘the alpha’. The sad thing about this is being dominant is not something that can be taught, you are either one or you are not. The lifestyle requires everyone to learn about themselves plus delve into exploring kinks and fetishes to find each individual’s right fit. What happens when someone picks up a step-by-step guide, follows it, and does what is directed is that that person becomes someone they are not. They are spending each moment of each day acting as though their life was a movie and these magical gurus are their directors. Life is not a movie and when anyone tries to be something they are not, all that ends up happening is they end up hurting others as well as themselves. Being a dominant requires a journey of self-discovery, there is no pre-selected route to follow, and mistakes along the way will happen. Throughout the amazing journey, a d-type must stay true to who they are and the only right route for them is the one they plot and follow because there are no master charts or true way.

There is a place where alpha dominant does make sense and has a place in the lifestyle is just like on the s-side of things is in a poly relationship. There are relationships within the lifestyle that may have more than one d-type and the alpha dominant is the person who is the leader among the leaders in those relationships. So in those relationships, alpha dominant fits and makes sense.

In my opinion, choosing to use alpha dom status in the lifestyle is nothing more than an attempt at marketing because it does not make anyone a domlier dominant or superior to others. Not only is it an attempt to reach a false exclusive status but vanilla attributes that are completely unrelated to the lifestyle are being used as measuring sticks. Following obnoxious how-to guides, career choice/success, being a Jelly Stone mastermind, building a banging body, portfolio value, sensual savvy, and least of all todger size have nothing to with being dominant. Remember even if you are the biggest fish in your pond there is always a lake or sea out there with another fish who is bigger, stronger, and faster. A D/S relationship is a connection of minds which means for me being dominant is about giving your partner the leadership they need so they can face their fears and live their dreams. I believe that a d-type should focus on being who they are, growing as a person as well as the lifestyle and if they do that then the right submissive will swim up the stream to join them to journey through life together.

As with all of my writings, please see this disclaimer.

©TLK2021

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ploppythespaceship · 4 years

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In Defense of Will Riker

Riker gets such an unfair reputation in the Star Trek fandom. So many people genuinely can’t stand the guy, which is their right. He can be a somewhat boring character with a strange and even nonexistent character arc. But a lot of this dislike stems from the idea that Riker is a sexist, misogynistic creep who is actively trying to get into the pants of every woman he meets. Which is so far from the truth, I don’t understand how it’s still the perception.

First of all, we’ve done this song and dance with Kirk before. Enjoying dating and sex does not make someone a creep. If everyone involved is a consenting adult, it shouldn’t matter who you’re dating and/or sleeping with.

Secondly, TNG goes out of its way to show that Riker is a great guy. If you actually go through his episodes and look at how he treats both the women he works with and the women he’s interested in, you’ll see that he always treats them with respect. And in instances where he has an easy opportunity to take advantage, he never does it. Because Will Riker is a gentleman who drinks his respect women juice.

I’m so sick of this argument that under the cut I’ve compiled all of Riker’s important relationships with women on the show to demonstrate exactly what I mean.

I pulled most of these from the relationships section of Riker’s Memory-Alpha page, which is pretty thorough, and a few just from memory since I rewatched the whole show pretty recently. I don’t think anything relevant has been left out, but feel free to let me know if you think of something else. I’m all for some civil discussion of these things! Emphasis on civil.

Deanna Troi

Starting with the big one! The very first episode establishes that they have a romantic history, and have since split up. The details of their relationship are pretty scarce, but it’s clear that they had an intense, intimate connection. Initially they’re awkward but professional around one another, and this eventually softens into genuine friendship. They are close, possibly closer than anyone else on the ship. But Will never, not once, pressures Deanna into romance with him. He is entirely respectful towards her. In a few episodes they’re possibly shown to be dating again (it’s unclear) but Deanna gives no indication of being uncomfortable with this arrangement. When they officially get back together in the films, their feelings are clearly mutual and neither is being pressured into anything.

Frankly, Will and Deanna are an excellent example of a healthy relationship with one’s ex, respecting boundaries while maintaining closeness. The two of them are always shown supporting each other. It always bugs me that people think there’s something insidious going on here. Will isn’t just trying to get back into her pants. He genuinely loves and respects her.

And it’s worth mentioning that in “Second Chances”, when Deanna is interested in dating the alternate version of him (later known as Thomas), Will clearly isn’t thrilled about it, but also respects her decision and does nothing to intervene. When she talks to him about it, he is very clear that he does not expect her to ask for his opinion or for his approval, and that as long as she’s happy, he supports her.

Tasha Yar

Frankly they don’t have many distinct interactions that I recall, but Riker treats her the same as he treats everyone else on the crew. He is respectful of her, her rank, and her position.

Beverly Crusher

Not a hint of romance in their relationship. They are friends with a healthy connection built on mutual trust. Again, he is respectful of her, her rank, and her position.

Kathryn Pulaski

You can copy paste everything I said about Crusher, tbh. They’re friends and quite respectful of one another. Nothing untoward happening here.

Lwaxana Troi

Lwaxana flirts with Riker sometimes. Cause she flirts with everyone. Though she leaves him alone a bit more since he’s involved with her daughter. And yet again, Riker is entirely respectful of her, though he does gently have to tell her to back off at times. Eventually they settle into the classic son-in-law / mother-in-law relationship.

Beata (“Angel One”)

Does this episode suck? Yep. Is this relationship awkward as hell? God, yes. Is Riker being misogynistic? Nope! He actually goes out of his way to be respectful of this matriarchal society’s customs, even wearing an outfit that many in his culture would consider demeaning. Not to mention, Beata is primarily the one coming onto him, not the other way around. He’s simply reciprocating. It might be poor judgment, but it’s again entirely mutual and consensual.

Minuet (“11001001″)

Riker goes into the holodeck to relax, and then meets a nice holograhic lady to help him do just that... and people get mad that he enjoys that? Minuet is programmed specifically for this. Not to mention the Bynars literally designed her to be irresistible for him. Of course he’s gonna be besotted with her. And, issues of hologram sentience aside (Trek hadn’t delved too deelpy into it by that point), this is once again entirely consensual.

Minuet does pop up again in “Future Imperfect”, sort of, simply because Barash needed to choose a figure to serve as Riker’s late wife. With someone unable to distinguish holodeck memories from real ones, Minuet would seem like a perfectly reasonable choice.

Brenna Odell (“Up the Long Ladder”)

This is an entirely consensual one night stand. The feelings are clearly mutual. Even while they’re bickering, it’s obvious there’s an attraction underneath it, on both sides. Again, their fling might be poor judgment, but absolutely not misogyny.

Yuta (“The Vengeance Factor”)

This is one of the few episodes where I can see why their relationship might make some viewers uncomfortable, but I also think it’s the most telling as to why Riker is not the creep people assume him to be.

The cultural and status differences between them place Riker at a clear power advantage compared to Yuta, which makes for an imbalance. Yuta is a servant, and her entire mindset is that of serving others. Having a relationship on equal footing with someone like Riker is entirely foreign to her, and she struggles against her instincts to follow all of his wishes without question. That being said, Riker does basically everything he possibly can to address and negate that imbalance. He does his utmost to respect her and her position. He doesn’t force her into anything she isn’t ready for. Any time she tries to fill the role of a servant for him, he stops her to explain that he wants her to be his equal. You could argue that this relationship is inappropriate regardless, because the power imbalance still exists whether he wishes it to or not, but I think it’s important to note how dedicated he is to not taking advantage of this girl.

And of course, at the end of the episode he is forced to choose duty over love and must kill her, but it’s hardly his fault that she’s a secret assassin.

Lal (“The Offspring”)

He flirted with her while unaware of who she was, and stopped immediately upon realizing. And she kissed him, not the other way around. Just look at his face! He clearly didn’t expect that. He did absolutely nothing wrong here. Using this brief scene against his character is just absurd.

Commander Shelby (“The Best of Both Worlds”)

For some reason the consensus in this episode is that Riker is rude to Shelby because she doesn’t want to sleep with him. And that’s just a complete and utter misread of the episode.

First, there is absolutely no indication that Riker is romantically interested in her. Nor does she does not reject his advances, because no advances are even made. Second, Riker gets short with Shelby at times because she has been assigned to work under his command, and she’s questioning his decisions and generally being difficult to work with. It’s literally his job to call people on things like that. That being said, he’s never particularly rude to her -- at least, no more rude than she is to him. They also grow into mutual respect by the end of the episodes, to the point where he trusts her to serve as his first officer.

Lanel (“First Contact”)

( TW: rape mention )

Quite frankly the next person to point to this episode as evidence of Riker’s misogyny is getting slapped. She. Raped. Him. Full stop. He needed to escape, she offered to help if he slept with her, and he agreed because at the time it was the only way to save his life. Consent under duress is not consent. He does not appear comfortable with the arrangement, and his joking afterwards is forced. So let’s just stop holding this episode up as proof of Riker’s sexism, mkay? He was undeniably the victim here.

Carmen Davila (“Silicon Avatar”)

There’s not much to glean from their brief interaction where Riker asks her to dinner, but again: feelings are mutual. Everyone’s consenting. Nothing untoward happening here. Besides, she’s killed not five minutes into the episode, so it doesn’t particularly matter.

Etana Jol (“The Game”)

Riker’s having a fling with her on Risa. Because that’s what you do on Risa. You go vacation and have fun, and if you so choose, you can find someone else there wanting to have fun. And you have some sexy fun together. That’s just how it goes on Risa.

Also, she’s revealed to be playing him and literally brainwashes him to access the Enterprise. So the situation is not entirely within his control. Again, let’s not blame the victim here.

Ro Laren

There’s clearly sexual tension between them in some episodes, which mostly comes across as bickering. Riker is sharp with her when he needs to be, as a commander, but also tells her when she’s done a good job. The only time they sleep together is in “Conundrum”, when all their memories are erased. Therefore they’re unaware of the context that a romantic relationship isn’t entirely appropriate. When they remember again, they are awkward but respectful of one another, and now have a stronger friendship for it. And I’ll say it for the umpteenth time: mutual and consensual.

Soren (“The Outcast”)

This episode is controversial as hell, and it’s always a tricky one to dive into. But as far as Riker’s relationship with Soren is concerned: there’s honestly nothing bad happening here. He is respectful of her culture and is impressed by her as a pilot and scientist. Though he clearly has feelings for her, it’s unclear if he would have been the first to pursue them, because she confesses hers for him first. Before then, he was entirely professional with her. Only when their mutual attraction is confirmed does Riker actually pursue a relationship with her.

(Side note, that conversation is also when she comes out to him as female.(Yes, Riker was attracted to her before knowing she was female! At the time he believed her to be androgynous/non-binary. Which makes him canonically not straight.)

Additionally he is 100% respectful of her gender -- one of the only people to do that, in fact -- and does what he can both to respect her culture while also supporting her and her journey. He’s genuinely gutted when she’s forced to conform to the expected gender of her society, and isn’t allowed to be who she truly is.

Don’t get me wrong, this episode is a hot mess in many other aspects, but Riker’s treatment of Soren is one of the few things it got right.

Kamala (“The Perfect Mate”)

Is this episode super uncomfy with an almost laughably sexist plot? Oh yeah. But can we blame Riker for anything? Not really. Kamala can read men to make herself everything they desire -- the perfect mate, as the episode’s title says. Naturally this extends to her scenes with Riker as well. She flirts with him, comes onto him, and he’s clearly very into it. They kiss briefly, he’s tempted -- and then he stops her, because he knows this isn’t appropriate and she’s promised to someone else.

Let me say that again: Riker has a perfectly willing woman in front of him, who is literally doing everything in her power to be as appealing to him as possible. She is right there for him to have if he wants. Which he does. And he still tells her no, to keep a clear professional boundary between them. It would have been so easy to take advantage of that and later say she was too irresistible. Yet he didn’t.

Amanda Rogers (“True Q”)

Amanda is a young girl, 18 at the oldest, when she arrives aboard the Enterprise. She’s pretty enamored with Riker, cause she’s a kid who doesn’t have a great sense of what’s healthy/appropriate and what’s not yet. Riker is very aware of this, and does absolutely nothing to encourage her. He sets boundaries where appropriate and is obviously just waiting for her crush to die down, so he doesn’t have to hurt her feelings. When Amanda really starts to make moves on him, he very clearly tells her no. She actually starts to force him to play out her romantic fantasies using her Q powers, though she stops when she realizes it’s not real and isn’t right. Riker does nothing wrong in this episode.

Rebecca Smith (“Genesis”)

There’s nothing to go on here except that they had a date in the holodeck. Everything seems on the up and up. She’s not even shown onscreen, just mentioned in a couple lines of dialogue. I’m just including her for the sake of being thorough.

tl;dr

All of Riker’s relationships are either entirely consensual, or non-consensual with him as the victim. In several situations he could easily have taken advantage of someone, but never does, instead choosing to set clear boundaries. I have been thinking and scouring through Memory-Alpha and I genuinely cannot find a single instance in which he behaved in a sexist or misogynistic manner. That isn’t to say it never happened, I certainly can’t remember every moment of a seven season show. But it’s hardly a defining character trait for him the way many seem to think.

There are plenty of other reasons to dislike Riker. He can be immature. He rather stupidly stays in the same position for a decade because he can’t be bothered to take his own command the way he should. He can be a bit dull as a main character. The way he gets into chairs looks very stupid. But he is not sexist or a creep. *drops microphone*

#star trek: the next generation #star trek #the next generation #william riker #will riker #personal #i spent way too long on this pls validate me #mostly prompted by people genuinely hating this guy #to the point where they add onto other people's riker posts with hate #which is not cool at all #anyway

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