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redheadspark · 6 months

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this is from the grumpy and sunshine list- why don’t you give up on me like everyone else and you’re not gonna get rid of me that easily with azriel please! x

A/N - Awww this is sweet for Azriel! Thanks for the request, anon!

Lift

Summary - Azriel knows when you lift you when you're down.

Warnings - mostly angst with a hint of fluff

The silence in the room was a bit deafening as you heard the door opening and closing behind you, knowing fully well who it was thanks to your bond humming. Of course, your hum was beyond happy that your mate was now in the room, though your spirit was less so. The stress of work at the Community Center, almost losing some of your purchases that you made the day before thanks to mishandling when you were walking throughout the street, was all too much. You were rethinking the day over and over again, wondering where you went wrong and what you could have done to make it better.

But nothing was coming to mind, and you sighed in frustration.

“Bad day?” You heard a deep yet soothing tone, you said nothing at first as you were still looking at your lap, “Rhysand told me a little bit, but I wanna hear the rest from you,”

“Why?” You meekly asked, sniffling a bit as you had the overwhelming urge to cry on the spot. How could your mate be so gentle when you were beyond angry with yourself? When everything that could go wrong did go wrong, your emotions were all over the place, and all you wanted to do was hide under the sheets and help that it would all go away.

“Because talking it out is the best way,” he reminded you soothingly as you heard him walking around the bed that you were perched on, finally having you feel his shadows lick against your skin to give you some sense of comfort, “Bottling it up is hard and not healthy,”

“I’ve done it so many times that sometimes….it’s the only thing I can do,” You admitted, another lick from his shadows along your arm as you felt a tear escape your eye and slide down your cheek, “Why do I let stuff get to me?”

“You have a massive heart, that’s why,” You looked over at your mate, Azriel, who smiled softly at you as one of his scarred fingers reached over to trace away the teardrop that was about to fall, then cupping your face gently, “But even those with the biggest hearts tend to be hard on themselves,”

You leaned into his hand as he kept his gaze on you with his hazel eyes, “I’m so used to dealing with this on my own for the longest time….and I don’t mean to shut you out---“

“I know,” He hummed, leaning over to kiss your cheek lovingly, “And you’re not,”

You both loved and hated how Azriel loved you with all his heart. When you two found out you were mates it was awkward, to say the least since you two were merely acquaintances. You were more uneasy with the notion of being mates with the Spymaster of Night Court, not to mention a Shadowsinger and one of the deadliest Illryians far and wide. However, Azriel never minded being mated with you. In fact, he was the optimistic one and took the bond wholeheartedly. With plenty of work and dedication, you both became a fierce couple and deeply in love with one another.

But like all couples, you two had burdens and responsibilities that you carried. Azriel’s was more dangerous since he was a notorious spy and had to go out on missions constantly. Not to mention, training new Illyrians at the camp, then going to plenty of meetings, and visiting other courts. His plates were almost full on a daily basis, but Azriel made it a habit to not bring his work home to you and your small little home that was out in the countryside of Velaris.

Your burdens were more deep, thanks to your troubled past and your brutal relationship with your father. He was tough on you, making you feel so small and placing the notion of not being good enough in your mind. The trauma followed you until your adult years, making you finally leave your childhood home and your father behind to find your new path in life. The pain and uneasiness placed a rough callous over yourself, making you think that there was no way to be tender again.

Azriel seemed to be the one who broke away the callous and made your tender again.

“Is it wrong for me to wonder why don’t you give up on me like everyone else?” You asked in a mumble. Azriel felt his heart break from the notion, wrapping you in his arms instantly as you nuzzled into him and breathed in his scent. He knew of your past, how much pain you went through simply for being yourself and wishing to be the best version of yourself.

Azriel hated your father for constantly making you feel useless and defeated, thanking his lucky stars that he never had the chance to meet the fae. Azriel would have brought him pain for all he did to you, to use those unwarned notions in your mind to show him the night's true nightmares.

Yet all Azriel had was you, and he was going to use all he could to bring you happiness.

“You are far too kind and beautiful for anyone to give up on,” Azriel reminded you as his fingers rubbed your arms and shoulders, “I know you went through far too much for one person in their lifetime, and yet you’re still standing, right?”

“Right,” You mumbled into his shirt that he changed into.

“Don’t let those voices tell you otherwise,” Azriel explained, “Those voices are lies. They mean nothing, not to the Inner Circle who consider you family, not to Rhysand and Feyre who took you in when you came to Night Court and treated you like a family, and not to me as your mate and the love of your life.”

The tears were no longer falling, and a sense of warmth was now blooming in your chest from hearing those words that Azriel was saying to you. He knew just what to do when you felt like you were at your lowest, knowing just how to lift you back on your feet with ease.

“You’re not gonna get rid of me that easily,” Azriel hummed into your hair as he pressed a soothing kiss along your skin, “Not now, not ever. I’m not saying that because we’re mates, I’m saying it because I love you,”

You kissed his chest, not needing to say more since you knew deep inside that he was telling the truth. Azriel always reassured you that he loved you not just because of the mating bond you two had. As time went on, you both grew as lovers and as a couple, not wishing to rely solely on your bond to make your relationship work. You were companions and friends, leaning on each other through thick and thin. Of course, this was one small moment of sadness for you.

Small compared to the constant happiness and joy you felt when you had your mate at your side.

The End.

#azriel x reader #azriel x you #azriel x oc #acotar #a court of thorns and roses #a court of silver flames #a court of mist and fury #fanfiction #writing #acomaf #acotar fanfiction #azriel shadowsinger #azriel acotar

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yanderes-galore · 10 days

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Yandere concept for Sans Undertale with Broken! Darling? I really love you writing and thank you for your hard work!!

Ooo~ I see you've given me more angst material. This may be short... but I hope it's an idea that's intriguing >:) I'm happy you enjoy my work, people like you are the reason I write.

Yandere! Sans The Skeleton with Broken! Darling

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Kidnapping, Denial, Manipulation, Mind break (Darling), Dark themes, Trauma implied, Dissociation implied, Stockholm syndrome implied, Guilt, Forced relationship/companionship.

I'm going to be honest, if Sans broke his darling it could go one of two ways.

You reciprocate... or become a husk of your former self.

The second option would be the one to break him too.

Sans himself is already under a ton of mental strain.

RESETS are a big cause of this.

Normally, Sans wouldn't get to this point.

His obsession over you normally doesn't result in kidnapping.

Although... I suppose it could if the normally laid-back skeleton managed to snap.

Even then, due to his nature he plays it off when he first brings you home.

It's eerie how casual he is with it, admitting that you now live with him and the doors are blocked off by bones....

Despite his laid-back nature, that does nothing to ease your mental state.

In fact it may make it worse.

First of all, you can just tell something deep in Sans changed to cause him to do this.

He's once again masking his true emotions about you, always trying to distract you from the fact he kidnapped you.

This works for either intention he has.

He just can't deal with only watching anymore.... he just had to have you.

Which eventually leads to your slow mental decline and break-down.

To get to such a point you'd have to go through a lot.

Several escape attempts... a ton of pleading... the isolation of it all....

For you to break you'd have to feel helpless.

Considering how powerful Sans really is, there's a good chance you aren't leaving if he doesn't want you to.

I personally feel Sans would feel bad and try to work things out before you get to such a point.

However... maybe things go too far.

Maybe Sans accidentally breaks his dearest.

Eventually they'll realize that escape isn't happening.

Not unless he allows it.

Such a thought may be enough to break you since Sans also dislikes punishment.

Soon you'll just... give up.

It really isn't worth it anymore, is it?

Isn't accepting your fate better?

Maybe then you can go outside.

Now, if you break and end up reciprocating, Sans is guilty but pleased.

He feels bad since he knows what was done to get you to this point.

Although, he tries to ignore such thoughts by distracting himself with you.

After all... now you love him, right?

The love may be artificial and not genuine... but perhaps it can be enough to soothe his own pain.

Then there's the opposite, you break and just... aren't you.

You're a shell of your formal self, you're there physically... not mentally.

You can no longer cope with this stress, soon Sans realizes this when it's too late.

You're like a living doll.

He can feed you, hold you... but you won't speak.

You're both you... and not you.

This would break Sans as he knows he's lost you.

There's no coming back from this, it becomes the only time he wishes for a RESET.

After all... then he could have you back.

This outcome he'd regret much more.

For him... this may be worse than you dying.

This second outcome is a constant reminder of what he's done...

Leading him to keep such a memory forever, even after a RESET if it ever happens.

#yandere undertale #yandere sans #yandere sans the skeleton

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stupid-sloot-headcanons · 2 years

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Yanderes who are VERY unused to receiving comfort (even if they're forcing you to do it), much less giving it to you.

Dabi tends to work out his emotional issues and stress by a) fucking you, b) hurting/killing people that annoy him, c) burning shit, or d) all of these things in no particular order. So when you're upset, and he wants to comfort you (so that you'll be easier to manipulate--you get more flies with honey than vinegar, and it makes him more "sympathetic" if he's gentle sometimes), his first attempt is a hug for you to cry on him...and then he's blatantly rubbing his cock against you and asking if you want him to "make you feel better."

If it's something he can't fix with his dick, maybe his Quirk can help! Who's making you upset? Want him to beat their ass and set their house on fire? He'll do it. He's already planning the stages of doing it as he's offering it to you.

Why don't you try burning something? It's pretty cathartic, y'know. Here, write down whatever or whoever is making you so sad and pissy. He'll come back with some matches or a stick for him to light, and he'll tell you to light the paper on fire. It's nice to see it burn away into nothing, isn't it? And watching it burn and then seeing the embers is soothing, right? If that doesn't work, he'll encourage you to get destructive. Here, he'll steal some beer for you to do drink and then have you throw the empties as hard as you can. This is about as healthy as he gets when it comes to stress relief lol

Tomura, especially when he hasn't matured yet, doesn't really get why you being upset is his problem. You're his pet, not his fucking...therapy client. If anything you're HIS therapist with how much he dumps all his trauma on you in-between forcing himself on you. Still...it's not ok for you to be crying when he isn't the one doing it, and if telling you to stop won't fix it then he'll find some other way. He only likes it when you cry because of him, in bed or otherwise. (As he matures though, and is less fixated on taking his shit out on you, he grows to hate making you cry)

He usually makes you suck his cock while he plays video games, and that tends to make him feel better. So he'll hand you the controller or put on a show you like while giving you oral. Weirdly enough, the single orgasm doesn't seem to magically fix whatever is making you upset. Hm.

Attempt #2: Throw gifts at you until you stop being such a crybaby. He gets a little serotonin boost when he gets a new game or watches a show he likes, or gets some cool merch. And...well, whenever he's with you. So he'll try to fill whatever emotional hole is inside you with gifts. See? He can be nice, generous even. So will you stop crying and looking like a kicked puppy all the fucking time? It's annoying. Whatever you want, he'll have Kurogiri get it or steal it himself.

And Attempt #3: Find whatever/whoever is bothering you and deal with it directly. If you miss your family after he's kidnapped you, he'll have Giran send an anonymous message showing proof that you're alive along with any messages you have for them (provided they don't lead to you being found by the police). There. Now they know you're alive and they can tell you how much they love you or whatever. Happy?

#.bnha #yandere bnha #.dabi #yandere dabi #.tomura #yandere tomura #gremlin tomura's like: ...why are you crying? im not even on top of you rn whats your fucking problem >:(#.myshit #tw: noncon #tw: dubcon #meanwhile dabi is like: oh no youre sad? will my dick help? no #....well we cant rule it out until we try 👀

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brandnewhuman · 7 months

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I'm having big brain thoughts again AND YOU ALL ARE GONNA LISTEN;

I never thought I would get so far in life to see the day I WOULD GET HEADCANON SHAMED BY THE TICKTACK ASS APP.

And since mischaracterization and shitty takes are my passion AND my purpose, here are some thoughts about Simon. LET'S BEGIN

I was part of the "ghost has the emotional capacity of a rock" team. But upon thinking about it I've come to the conclusion that maybe that's not it. Simon has obviously gone through so much in life and while I still believe his trauma makes it hard for him to fit in and feel comfortable just by existing, I think he's the type of person who quietly enjoys to compensate himself for the things he has never been able to enjoy in life. LIKE NO ONE IS GONNA EVER SAY SORRY TO HIM OR REPAY HIM FOR ALL THE PAIN AND HORRIBLE STUFF HE HAS ENDURE, SO WHY NOT DOING IT HIMSELF?

No, he's not an abusive and dysfunctional man who's broken beyond repair STOP TURNING THIS POOR GUY INTO A FUCKING MONSTER, HE'S JUST A SILLY SAD MAN. Besides, he's fucking scared of the "the abused becomes the abuser" thing and works very hard to avoid it.

HE GOES TO THERAPY BITCHES, HE REALLY DOES. He deals with extreme guilt, with PTSD and a shitton of stuff that has made his life a living hell for so long and probably will keep making it difficult forever so in the end, although it's hard, he just caves in and gets help.

No, I don't think he has anger issues and he's not straight up rude. He feels uncomfortable with the idea of getting too angry, he prefers to just talk things out. AND TALKING ABOUT ANGER; I do believe he finds some sort of relief in his work but not because he likes to take out his emotions on others and kill mindlessly or stuff. I genuinely believe he likes the idea of being something good, of his actions having a positive impact. He feels like he has failed his family and friends but every time he manages to successfully complete a mission he feels like his existence is not just about the pain and the failures. When a mission goes bad he does have a hard time and gets physically ill.

BACK TO ENJOYING THINGS THO: during his childhood and throughout most of his life he has always denied himself so much for one reason or another. He's hellbent on trying to treat himself with things he has missed out. At first it was part of the therapy; watch movies you would've liked to watch, go and try food you have thought about trying etc... then as time went on, and he started to deal with the guilt better, he kept doing all that stuff just because he wanted to. And maybe because he wants to understand stuff and references better when he's hanging out with the 141.

That's another thing, he initially was reluctant at the idea of hanging out and stuff but then he manages to feel comfortable enough. He's very quiet but not downright antisocial.

He likes to read better and TV shows better than movies. I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH BUT HE'S A SHITTY COOK, HE COULD AND WILL BURN EVEN WATER.

There's the HC of him not eating enough and while I agree it's unrealistic I think there's some sort of truth. This man gets through depressive episodes where he can't sleep, can't eat and even breathing it's a chore. It usually happens when he's not at the base and he's having a difficult time with the leave time at home. He does however force himself to eat at least enough to not lose all the muscle and strength he has worked hard on. It's hard, but he tries to take care of himself as best as possible. THAT BEING SAID, THIS MAN EATS ONLY PREMADE THINGS CAUSE HE CAN'T COOK. Every single fucking meal, even the healthy one, has been bought and there's not a single time where he even attempts at cooking anything. After almost burning down his whole damn apartment he has banned himself from the kitchen. the way he maintains without necessarily eating when he doesn't feel like it's by keeping a whole fucking stock of snacks in his house.

OKAY THAT'S IT, THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK.

#simon ghost riley #simon riley #ghost cod #cod modern warfare #cod mw2 #call of duty #modern warfare 2 #cod fandom #codmw2 #samuel roukin #cod headcanons

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tinybro · 1 year

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ok my brain has been hooked on that "jasico feat. lil daughter bianca" idea from this post and i need to wordvomit my own take on it

several years postcanon (and in an AU where he doesn't die), jason gets himself an apartment of his own in a city pretty far off from either camp. everyone's kinda perplexed because he's so isolated, but he just really needs some space to figure out his own identity separate from all the gods and camps shit that's dominated his entire life. he keeps in touch with everyone but he's just quietly doing his own thing.

and then he gets a small child dropped in his lap by his dad – the first time jupiter's had any direct interaction with him since the whole gaia incident, so he's as shitty a dad as ever and it's honestly shocking that he's involving himself this much with one of his kids. and it sure doesn't make jason feel any better about it that dad only bothered interacting with him for the sake of a different kid, but he can't blame the kid for that. she's barely a toddler and her name is coincidentally bianca. of course he thinks immediately of nico, but jason doesn't tell anyone about his suddenly becoming a young single dad at first. he wants to do things himself, and he's always been the type to help anyone and everyone while keeping his own struggles to himself. jason tries so hard tho, he does research and reads parenting books and stresses hard over whatever trauma this small child has already dealt with in losing her mom and being handed off to a stranger. he runs himself ragged trying to figure out how to be a good parent all on his own without any decent role models.

meanwhile, nico's always had an open invitation to visit jason's place or just crash on his couch if needed or whatever. he hasn't taken jason up on the offer often, so it's a surprise when he shadowtravels in one day and accidentally scares a small child, and suddenly jason has to explain bianca to someone. whoops. and nico has plenty of his own feelings about shit – her name dredges up a lot of emotions for him, and of course he's frustrated with jason for not talking to anyone about this – but jason's clearly exhausted, so nico sets all that aside and forces jason to go get some sleep and let him babysit for a bit.

jason gets some much-needed rest, and when he comes back out nico's already gotten way too attached to this kid. whether he's projecting a bit of his bianca feelings onto her or just sympathetic to a kid dealing with too much way too young, he's absolutely doting on her and it's incredibly cute and jason is extremely endeared.

nico had only intended to stop by briefly before getting back to his own business, but he ends up staying for a few days because he keeps finding excuses to help out more. it's so domestic and comfortable and neither jason or nico are acknowledging how much it makes them feel like a married couple because they're of course dancing around Feelings. and when nico does finally have to leave to get back to whatever task hades had him doing, bianca is very sad about it and, well, that just means he has to come by again as soon as he's done, right?

(it snowballs quickly from "nico visiting frequently to see bianca and help jason out" to "nico practically living with them and being dad #2", and it's even more awkward when the rest of the friends find out about the surprise child)

#imagine finding out your friend not only has a whole child but has been coparenting with another one of your friends #and you didn't *think* they were dating but now that you see this shit you're suddenly unsure #but it's too awkward to ask so everyone just puzzles over the relationship in private #sorry for hijacking your idea my brain just wouldn't shut up #jasico #pjo #my dumb headcanons

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bsnotoneaskedfor · 1 year

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Tired MK

Before you judge, hear me out.

MK goes through SO much shit because of his "Monkey Kid" status. Like, a ton. As someone who is a teen and struggles with mental health it is so obvious that MK has been spiraling since day one. The poor dude is going to die of anxiety and depression before the Lady Bone Bitch tries to order a smackdown with a side of trauma. MK is also a people pleaser. He legit is always trying to live up to people's standards and be "just like Monkey King".

Here's the thing: I also suffer from trying to please everyone and let me tell you that shit is exhausting. Fuck magic, the thing that really makes this show fiction is that MK hasn't had a massive mental breakdown. He's had baby ones, that are still valid, but he's pushed them aside because "he has to be the hero". He never really shows signs of emotional distress besides the show poking fun at it or using it for plot. For those in the comments, please don't try to psychoanalyze the show to prove me wrong. This is just what I have seen. So, with this being said, there is something I really would love to see and have adopted it as my personal headcannon.

MK being done with everyone's shit.

Not, "MK's tired", or "MK's sassy ;D", or even Mk going through an emo phase.

I want absolutely 100% done MK.

I want to see him surviving on coffee or energy drinks because the weight of everyone's expectations keeps him up at night. I want him mad when people start blaming him/looking to him for answers because "he's the Monkey Kid". I want him done with Wukong's bullshit. I want my realistic representation of burnout and mental illness. I want to see him trying to get better and no longer caring about calling people out for being toxic.

I don't know if I'm 100% explaining this right because words are really hard so here are some examples of what I see my MK head cannon as.

(This one's based off that one TikTok audio where the guy yells at the cats to get off the couch)

MK: *Sitting peacefully, attempting to do homework or some other quiet activity*

Macaque and Wukong : *fighting like feral cats*

MK: (almost roars it) STOP IT!

Macaque and Wukong : *is startled and a little afraid*

MK : LEARN TO FUCKING GET ALONG OR SO HELP ME I'LL TEST THE LIMITS OF YOUR IMMORTALITY

Macaque and Wukong : *obeying, nearly about to piss themselves out of fear*

MK: *Deep Breath. Goes back to what he was doing*

Every Demon Within 50 miles : wtf was that?

--- -------------------------------------------------------------------------

MK: *chugging a coffee or energy drink*

Some Demon: *starts destroying the city*

MK : Dammit *Chugs faster. *

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wukong: Hey bud! When's the last time that you've slept?

MK: *completely deadpan* It is finals week.

Wukong : That doesn't answer-

MK:*getting angrier* I have to defend the city every damn day. I have to deal with your messes, including you. I train every day for at least 4 hours even when we don't meet up. I WORK FULL TIME AT THE GODDAMN NOODLE SHOP AND THEN I HAVE TO FUCKING STUDY FOR COLLEGE. WHEN IN THE NAME OF BUHDDA WOULD I BE ABLE TO SLEEP?!?!

Wukong : *sweats* So I see that you're stressed-

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Team Monkey : Why didn't you use [ insert power] to start with?!

MK: *sarcastic* I'm sorry. I thought we all deserved a nice bonding trip where we spent the entire time bickering and getting the shit beaten out of us. Was that supposed to be next week?!?

Team Monkey : . . .

MK: How about you guys make a list of everything I can do. That way, next time, we can just all look at it together and none of you blame me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Son : * trying to pick a fight and just being a dick in general*

MK: *Not having it* Do not make me duct tape you down so I can embroider your worst nightmares onto your skin, you pompous little fuck!

Red Son : . . .wtf

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Son : *Is pretty*

MK: *deep sigh of disappointment* I need therapy . . .

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mei : * Gets the Samhadi Fire*

MK: *remembering all the shit and expectations he went through once he got his powers*

Mei: *About to have a breakdown*

MK: *laughs* Have fun

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Son: *breaks in at the middle of the night in an attempt to capture MK*

MK: *is awake because insomnia* So, do you , like, want some tea . . .?

May do a Pt 2

#lmk #lmk sun wukong #lmk macaque #lmk mei #lmk mk #lmk spicynoodles #lmk shadowpeach #lmk qi xiaotian #lego monkie kid #funnyshit #Mk is done

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essayofthoughts · 1 year

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why do you think Percy gets on better with the women of VM than the men

THANK YOU.

So Percy, by the time he meets Vox Machina, is an anxious traumatised mess of a man, right? He has every reason to fear risk and vulnerability, good reason to distrust strangers and an absolute tonne of trauma.

He's also someone who operates best in social situations when he knows the script. When he knows what the rules are. This is why he does so well in areas of legalese and poshness and etiquette - he was raised around those kinds of rules and knows exactly what he's dealing with and how to get what he wants. This is also why he gets very flustered when sexual situations come up, and why he gets more stuttery and cautious when he doesn't know what the rules are, notably with Victor the Black Powder Merchant.

So in short, Percy gets on best with people he understands. And he understands people best when they either operate on rules he understands already, or when they are consistent enough he can figure out those rules.

Of Vox Machina...

Grog is strong and not hugely bright and also not so good at the words or the numbers or the learning. He is potentially dangerous and volatile, and energetic and expressive: He is not someone Percy would immediately understand and his volatility, his energetic expressiveness of affection and anger and all else, means he’s someone Percy's own trauma would make him wary around.

Tiberius is posh, but he's also loud, opinionated, prone to bluster and going off in his own spiralling direction, not always listening to others and also prone to getting a bit up himself (not that Percy can't be the same way). I think Percy would understand Tiberius better but not necessarily care to spend much time with him.

Scanlan is crass, crude, always looking to turn things into a joke or a story and that means he's more prone to prying (albeit often by way of jokes) and generally doing and saying things that make Percy deeply uncomfortable. Percy both would not understand him and have no interest in understanding him.

Vax knows noble protocols but also thinks they're bullshit and is prone to both wearing his heart on his sleeve and bouts of pretty severe depression. Percy cannot use etiquette with him because he'll reject it and the emotional volatility of depression make it hard for Percy to get a reliable read on Vax.

So he has reason to be less confident around the men!

(Yes I know about Tary. I'll get to him.)

The women of Vox Machina meanwhile, are:

Keyleth, who, while anxious and nervous, is someone consistently never means harm to the group and doesn't want to offend people - she even objected to insulting Ripley! She also understands responsibility and the necessity of politicking, though she doesn't thrive on the latter as Percy can, and so they have a reasonable grounding to get along. Keyleth is expressive, but because Percy can trust very early on that she means no harm, that isn't any kind of threat to him.

Pike, who while capable of being wild, also generally reserves that for combat or goofing off with Grog. She is a voice of counsel for the group, good at solving problems, and good at staying calm even when things are stressful. She is someone they can all go to for advice and all do go to for advice at different points. Percy may not know her so well, but he can feel safe with her - plus she's their primary healer, which gives him more reason to trust her.

And then there's Vex. Who also speaks posh etiquette and noble bullshit, but who can also gently, teasingly turn it on him in ways that doesn't have much malice. She also knows very well when to back off (being so observant) and due to her tendency of putting herself second is seemingly emotionally consistent, because she generally keeps her emotions to herself unless she literally cannot. She also has a lot of sway in the group because she understands everyone else and holds the coinpurse; Percy can tell where the power goes and it's to Vex, so he has every reason to want to be on her good side even before the fact that she's emotionally consistent. I've gone into this in my massive pair of posts about why they love each other.

The women of Vox Machina are consistent. They are less threatening to him than the volatility, crassness and expressiveness of the men given his trauma, and their consistency means he can learn their scripts relatively easily.

Lastly, because I said we'd get to him:

Percy gets on well with Tary because they share interests and social backgrounds but he does also find Tary a bit much sometimes. Tary is A Lot, for everyone! This means Percy is well-equipped for spending time with Tary in 1. Short bursts, 2. With the others as a buffer, 3. When working on a project, or 4. When they're all a bit drunk, but not necessarily otherwise.

Percy consistently gets on best with the women of Vox Machina because they're consistent and he can figure out the social scripts in use which makes him feel more secure which is important given his upbringing and trauma. And the women are probably more consistent because society generally expects more emotional control and regulation from women...

But Percy's also pretty emotionally repressed, because posh social upbringing, so in this case it means he gels pretty well with them and is also better equipped to understand the nuances of how the express themselves, which we see best of all with Vex and Keyleth.

Thank you for indulging me, Nonny.

#percy de rolo #vox machina #critrole meta #cr meta #percival de rolo #anonymous #ask #living up to my username

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dropintomanga · 8 months

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The Farm as a Place of Healing - Vinland Saga

A while back when I was researching the clubhouse model for mental health, I found out that the clubhouse I visited in New York City had their very own farm. Its members, who have various serious mental illnesses, would travel there to grow crops, raise livestock, and more importantly, be around other people with the common goal of improving the farm and themselves.

Today, I was reminded of this particular farm thanks to the Farm Arc (Volumes 9-14) of Makoto Yukimura's Vinland Saga. It's an incredible testament to how much nature can promote better mental health.

For those unfamiliar with the story of Vinland Saga, it chronicles the age of the Vikings. A young man named Thorfinn travels with a Viking named Askeladd in order to get a chance to kill him one day. This is due to Askeladd killing Thorfinn's father, Thors, right in front of his eyes. Throughout Thorfinn's journey in Volumes 1-8, he encounters a variety of personalities while killing those who get in the way of his vengeance. However, one incident would change Thorfinn's plans forever. Askeladd is killed after he kills King Sweyn, a Danish king who wanted to control all of England and Wales, in front of Sweyn's guards. Now struggling to figure out what to do with his life, Thorfinn would later become a slave at a farm in Denmark, empty and full of grief.

A year after is when Thorfinn's story truly begins.

So how do farms help in dealing with all kinds of mental health issues? For starters, they get you away from modern cities. Cities are known to be super-stressful with how fast-paced and competitive you need to be to survive. It also doesn't help that they're often big, so one can get lost in the crowd when dealing with emotional pain.

Farms also are great places to have meaningful relationships due to everyone working together for a meaningful cause. For Thorfinn, he finally made his first friend in his fellow slave, Einar. Einar was full of life and questioned many things. He would find the farm to be somewhat of a haven despite being a slave. Although Thorfinn was struggling with the trauma from his past, Einar opened up his eyes to see that a different path could be chosen instead of feeling empty. This becomes evident when Einar convinces Thorfinn to help gradually grow some crops in their limited free time to buy their way to freedom from slavery.

Another notable thing about farms is that they allow you to sit in nature and give you the ability to self-reflect. Since being a slave at the farm, Thorfinn is consumed by nightmares of his father, Askeladd, and those he killed. He had a tough time trying to come to terms with his actions. But Thorfinn slowly opens up to Einar about his past as a Viking and the self-reflection begins to kick in. It isn't until he and Einar fought against farm vandals that he becomes spiritually awakened.

In what's to be his last nightmare, a land filled with a pile of corpses, Thorfinn reveals to a dead Askeladd that he's sorry for killing so many people over the years out of vengeance. Askeladd chastises Thorfinn and says that there's only one way to make amends - to become a "true warrior" like Thorfinn's father once told him. When Thorfinn wakes up, he tells Einar that he's through with violence and vows not to hurt anyone ever again.

Many times, people are told not to sit with their pain. But if we keep running away, we will never truly heal. It's hard to talk about grief when modernity demands us to keep moving forward. In nature and with other people (even if they aren't the nicest bunch), Thorfinn finally got a chance to process his grief and what it means to live. This is mostly due to being surrounded by people who are full of pain themselves from the farm owner, Ketil, to everyone else associated with it.

And speaking of people who are full of pain, I will get to the son of King Sweyn, Canute. When first introduced in Vinland Saga, he was a timid young man who was teased for looking too feminine to be a potential heir to the throne. Canute was placed under Askeladd's protection and felt empty himself. However, Canute slowly became what the young Thorfinn was - a man on a path of violence to get what he wants. After Sweyn's death, he took the throne and went on a raid of conquering everything around him. His father often appears to him in a ghostly form cursing him. Canute also was responsible for sending Thorfinn to the farm. In a twist of fate, Canute decides to target the same farm 4 years later for resources and out of personal animosity towards Ketil as he didn't respect him as king. The farm would become a place for Canute to heal from his own personal trauma.

A violent battle occurs within the farm, but Thorfinn decides to take a final stand against Canute's army by directly speaking with Canute himself. He suggests that he takes 100 punches by one of Canute's warriors. If Thorfinn is still standing afterwards, he gets to talk to Canute and convince him not to take the farm. Thorfinn gets his wish much to the awe of everyone who witnesses the event. Both he and Canute would get into a lengthy conversation about what constitutes a perfect paradise for humanity. When Canute re-affirms his goals to rob and kill everything in his sight for peace no matter what, Thorfinn replies that he will just run to a place he'll create that Canute won't reach. Canute is shocked that Thorfinn wouldn't attack him face-to-face, but respects how bold his former companion's newfound pacifism is.

And Thorfinn says something that changes Canute's perspective for good.

"You have to give me some help. My power is far smaller than yours. The hole you make might be too big for me. If you continue to persecute others like this...sooner or later, no one will be able to save you. So do some work. Don't make my job harder."

Canute is convinced and decides not to take the farm. After being surrounded by so much political scheming over the years, he realized that there are others who still care about him and want what he truly wants. Canute ends his attempts to grab power via violent means and would gradually become a king who truly respects and loves his people. The farm also no longer became a place for slaves and those who were still alive and cared about it made sure it will continue to grow.

And all of this happened at a farm setting. It felt like reading farm-based therapy in a historical context. The farm gave Thorfinn purpose, confidence and the ability to help others just like how farms today have done for those struggling with all kinds of mental health issues (minus the slavery part). More importantly, the farm fosters cooperation among the community as the way to feel alive instead of competition.

I've heard stories about people being stressed out from modern life and how they found solace in nature after realizing the sense of emptiness they start feeling. In a farm, you're free from various constraints that modernity places. Sure, there may be new constraints. But in exchange, you feel that you have some control in deciding what you want for yourself, see what's truly important, and learn another important fact of life - you have to go with the ebbs and flow of nature despite whatever governing body says.

Although I haven't been to a farm in very long time, I try to expose myself more to green spaces and pay attention to nature around me. I look at plants, birds, and other animals that hang around the area. I believe they have helped a lot in reminding me to slow down at times. Combined with the variety of people I've met in my life so far, I feel that I can still do something with my life despite the difficulties I'll face like Thorfinn has.

I hope everyone finds and/or have their own personal farm to go to because humanity's nature definitely needs a upgrade to actual nature.

#Vinland Saga #farm #Makoto Yukimura #manga #anime #Thorfinn #Einar #mental health #growth #nature #Canute

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icedteaandoldlace · 3 months

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i often wonder how badly her being kidnapped by zoom relates to killer frost successfully overtaking her. like caity has been kidnapped the most out of any character in the flash, but the time zoom took her was a multi-episode spanning thing and she actually gets to realistically suffer for it for an episode after getting away from him. the ptsd gives her panic attacks and hallucinations. and when kf comes out definitively after after julian tears that necklace off, after another fucking man decides he can choose her life for her, that he's entitled to make her decisions, that he has the right to make her into what he wants her to be. she must have been so tired. it started with her father and it never ended. but if she was a killer, if she was someone else... she would be too cold to ever be touched again. caitlin can just go to sleep while the new girl piloting her body gets to be a god. and the going to sleep forever thing, that's suicide ideation.

tl;dr was caitlin choosing not to fight frost that hard anymore a motherfucking suicide attempt???

Okay, I gotta tell you, it is honestly fascinating getting your take on this because you're such a big Killersnow fan, so there's a lot of emphasis there on them being separate individuals, and I (before the big Frost retcon in later seasons) always saw Killer Frost as literally a part of Caitlin. Like, not just in the sense of sharing the same body, but like, they're two sections of the same mind, just kept separate because Caitlin couldn't reconcile her darkest thoughts and emotions with the rest of her identity, so she buried them deep down where she wouldn't have to deal with them, and then the perfect storm of trauma and stress finally caused them to surface and take over. There is so much in the first three seasons that seems to point to this, most notably Hartley's comment about how she doesn't like emotions because they're messy, and also, YES, the Zoom trauma, which absolutely played a major roll in her frost powers coming out. Like, they stopped Zoom, and then Paradox takes place THE NEXT DAY (it just doesn't seem like it because of time travel and the between-seasons hiatus and a series of scatterbrained writing choices). Dude totally jump-started her powers/Frost surfacing by being a dick and inflicting all that psychological damage on her. This is something I have thought forever.

BUT, all that being said, from season 4 and onward, the idea of Killer Frost being Caitlin's dark side gets chipped away bit by bit, until finally it's chucked out completely, and Frost is now a full-fledged person with her own mind and agency that doesn't involve Caitlin, and as a result, you have this weird continuity issue where season 3 Killer Frost is Caitlin, and Caitlin is the one responsible for stabbing Barry and kidnapping Cecile and all that other stuff, but season 7 Frost is Caitlin's "sister", and Caitlin had no hand in the crimes Frost committed, she was just stuck riding shotgun in her own body while Frost was at the wheel.

So that's where my head has been, basically, that there are some points in the show where they're two sides of one person, and there are some points where they're two people sharing one body, and however you interpret who Frost is in what season just depends on how you wanna view it, I guess.

But the angle you're coming at it from here provides a way for Caitlin and Frost to have been two different individuals the entire time. It's not foolproof, because the show's writing is still inconsistent in places, but it works a whole lot better than just saying "Frost went rogue in season 3 because she finally got to call the shots, and she just wanted to make up for lost time." Like, what was that all about?? Frost's motives being entirely separate from Caitlin just doesn't make sense. Even when it's played like Frost just enjoys violence and hurts people for the heck of it, it doesn't fit with the massive chip on her shoulder in season 3. What does fit is Frost acting on Caitlin's anger. Whether it just gets transferred to her as a result of sharing a body, or she is actually angry herself on Caitlin's behalf and acting out of a protective impulse, it just makes more sense for what Caitlin is going through to be Frost's driving force when she's out committing crimes, than for her to just be randomly violent out of nowhere.

I feel like this has strayed so far from the original subject, and also I'm very sleepy and not sure if it makes much sense. You just got my wheels turning so fast because now I have material for headcanons involving Caitlin and Frost being different people from the beginning, and there is so much to think about. It's like you just handed me a bag of asphalt patch and now I can go fill plot holes I kept bumping over before.

In response to your main point here, Caitlin basically giving Frost control as a means of letting herself escape is a very interesting takeaway of the situation. I don't know if I see s3 Caitlin as dealing with suicidal ideation (s1 Caitlin is another matter), but I get where you're coming from on that, and it is a thought provoking point. Also, never thought about the fact that Julian taking off the necklace is another case of a man choosing something for her, so major props for pointing that out (and this adds more layers to the end of the season when she turns on Savitar after being given a choice on who she wants to be...)

#knew I was gonna have to wait till I got home before I answered this one because some thoughts require a laptop keyboard #ask #frosty-the-killer-doll #The Flash #Caitlin Snow #Killer Frost #Frost #tw suicide #long post #though Caitlin-as-Killer-Frost is always gonna be my favorite version of the story I think

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alostlittleriverlotus · 7 months

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being antisocial and schizoid and narcissistic so struggling to care about my safe person sometimes. Like MA has their trauma and dependency and I am so sick of them projecting trauma based thoughts onto me especially with my history of being shitty to them and trying so hard to be better for her only to be lumped back in there because I'm expressing my needs. And having to remind myself to be patient cause they're not as well off as I am with my own mental health and don't process things in the same way I do so I have to just try not to be frustrated with them over it like "you know this, we've talked about it, you know it hurts me" and trying to not take it too personally which I do well at. MA is doing their best and they're not always the best at fixing their defensive trauma coping mechanisms or dealing with intense emotions so I have to just sit there and take a break so I don't say something or do something I'll regret cause it's so hard for me to empathize with them over this shit. I very much struggle with us having entirely different thinking patterns and me being "worse" off or "more traumatized and disordered" than them (saying in quotes cause uh it ain't a competition, but I do experience things more than them) and being frustrated that what is small baby shit to me that I've dealt with for years is something intense for them especially when it ends up hurting me and maming me feel like theyre calling me an abuser.

The context for this? I cut down to only a few roleplays after they struggled with one in our list. They took it personally and said "I'm not incapable" since they get treated like that often and infantilized cause of them being an autistic airhead that acts young and goofy sometimes despite being the same age as me. And that especially hurt since I'm always reminding them of how capable they are and that those people are being shit to them. So not only to project onto me and put words in my mouth when I was being apathetic and blank in my emotions really fucking hurt. Especially since I would always worry about being abusive/bad to her between our ex friend, her shitty family and the way they demonize me as some controlling abuser for *checks list* treating her with respect and helping her practice boundaries, and shit like that. It stung. And I was so annoyed. She apologized right away and it's done, but I still just think about it. Like it's so much effort to be patient with her when she's so dependent on me and looks to me as guidance when that's a direct trigger for me.

This isn't something that happens often, but it's their DPD and BPD that gets to me sometimes. It happens when they get especially stressed and stuff and we are good at communicating. But I'm just ranting about it cause I am honestly sick of dealing with it coming up when it's so sensitive for me. But I'm reminding myself to be patient and understanding. She's apologized and made it up to me with love and cuddles so it's over with.

I dunno what the point of this post is tbh. Just ranting about how our different disorders, experiences, trauma, and thought processes kinda bash and being light hearted about my blank emotions about it cause other people's emotions are icky. My friend and I are very different with different points in our managing our trauma and disorders so I have to remind myself to be patient and caring towards them and to not get too frustrated because they have always been so kind about my unregulated trauma responses and so I should do the same to them :) I love em so much...genuinely...I wouldn't know about so many things about myself if not for them.

(MA and I are good. They're my safe person for a reason. Also MA will totally see this if they ever get on so it's not like I'm talking behind their back. I might be slightly delusional as I get when I make posts about made up people in my head. Well that explains a lot.)

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girlwithfish · 8 days

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getting out of an abusive situation or life after it is so weird and isolating like after it's been a decent amt of time but still kind of recent. idk like u just have to move on and carry on w ur life but it feels so isolating and weird bc ur the one just carrying it with u and its like it's been a while so now I need to get over it and be fine. and it doesn't feel like ppl around me understand. and it's just not talked abt and it's not relevant so it's this silent invisible thing I deal w alone and im carrying on w my life but it's weird and odd and idk how to describe it fully. I guess it also feels a little isolating bc my family doesn't know the full extent of it bc I don't talk abt it and idk if they'd understand me better if they did but I also dont volunteer every terrible thing that's happened to me bc that feels weird too. But it's just like lonely and hard carrying so much sometimes. like im fine ig life goes on but it's also like difficult to think abt sometimes and it doesn't affect me as openly as it used to where I'd get emotional flashbacks and stuck in trauma and rumination and itd ruin my whole day but it's more just passing thoughts and sometimes rumination but only for a couple minutes and it's like ok well time to carry on w whatever I'm doing in the present but so weird to thinj someone was psychologically abusing me and also harming me in many terrible ways. and ik it affects me deeply in ways that just haven't come out yet like I think any conflict just makes me even more stressed than it already did before my ex fucked me up bc I already had a fear of conflict from childhood and how I was raised but now that someone's like actively harmed me in really blatant ways from conflict it's really scary and until I truly encounter another conflict w someone it's like yeah Idk how I'll react! idk?? fun stuff!

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warmbottles · 4 months

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Hi I've a question, how do you get over shame with regards to regressing?

I regress unintentionally and always feel extremely sad and hate feeling that way during it. I assume childhood trauma and a build up of stress around the time when it happens. Finding this Tumblr community helps make me not sad during regression and then I snap out of it.

I don't feel pride or joy in my regression. I also don't have anyone to talk to about this? I'm older than everyone else on here in their early 20s. I'm old, I'm married. My partner didn't sign up for this and is uncomfortable with helping me or 'caregiving'.

I am too ashamed to admit this to anyone even my therapist.

Hi,

First off, I want to say that you're very much not alone. I struggle with shame/guilt when it comes to my regression and it's a very hard thing to deal with. There are not very many agere safe spaces that I know of, aside from Tumblr, so that can make the shame and guilt feel even bigger because we don't have spaces to talk about this very vulnerable part of ourselves.

I think it mainly comes down to reassuring yourself that you're not doing anything wrong. Even if you only feel sad and upset during your regression, it's okay to feel that way. It might be uncomfortable and frustrating, but if that's how you feel and that's how you cope with big emotions, then that is okay. I think a lot of us get stuck on the narrative that regression needs to be happy all the time, but for most of us, that's not the case. Especially when it comes to processing childhood trauma.

I understand how isolated you must feel in regards to your age. I'm in my upper 20s and a lot of the regressors around me are in their early teens. I think it also adds to the shame and the guilt of it all when we don't see others our age coping in the same way. But that doesn't mean we're doing anything wrong. How we cope is perfectly normal and healthy.

Lastly, I think you should bring this up with your therapist. You don't have to, but I think they might be able to give better advice than I can. Not every therapist will know about regression (mine doesn't) but most know about inner child healing. It'd be worth a shot to at least talk a little bit about it, maybe they'd be able to help.

I'm really sorry if my advice wasn't that great, but like I said, I still struggle with shame myself so I haven't quite figured out how to get past it yet. I really want to thank you for asking this, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night. Take care.

#asks #answered #ask to tag #trauma m #long post #i hope this is ok to post!

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circulars-reasoning · 10 months

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If I recall correctly, you said you had created alters, right? If so, I was wondering how it happened and how they're doing right now. I'm trying to do a bit of research on it to help out a specific alter in our system, but to no avail. We're trying to do this as safely as possible.

Right now, they’re doing well, but when they first formed, it was horrific for them and us. Trauma was… not great! I think it might be time to expand on their stories actually. Too many people in syscourse assume they know things about my alters, and the last time I opened up about them, folks came into my inbox to tell me I was wrong about my experiences.

Tw for suicidal ideation, harassment, depression, and alter death.

Debra:

She was our first created alter, and the one we actually consciously purposefully created. In terms of us having a created alter, she’s probably the one who counts — LED’s experience is closer to a regular traumatic split, but I’ll get to him later.

Context for this time of my life: We were in high school. We had never heard of DID, we were being actively abused on two fronts (parental abuse and COCSA), and the only people who we felt understood us were folks much older than me online who I talked to on a daily basis. I thought my alters were just imaginary friends to represent my emotions. The voices I heard were just my emotions and feelings, very loudly, and I was imagining those emotions as people — like Inside Out!! And this was normal, my peer abuser told me. Yay! (Oof.)

Wade was our main fronter at home. He held onto a lot of our depression and dealt with the brunt of the current abuse from our parents. He was also dealing with gender issues and just generally was struggling. We started getting more and more suicidal and depressed, and our systems only way of handling that emotion was repression (via Numb’s emotional blocking or Sierra’s toxic optimism).

Finally, one night, Wade got the closest he ever got to self harm. It was nothing, really - the mark of it was gone within an hour - but it panicked him, and he reached out to our friend at the time.

This friend comforted him and told him that he needed to manage his depression somehow. We knew we couldn’t get therapy, so he suggested something he’d heard of before, about parts therapy. AKA, IFS. “Your depression is a part of you. What you need to do is talk to it. Imagine a person; someone who is all of those depressing thoughts. And talk to that person; why do they treat you that way?”

Those aren’t direct quotes. In all actuality, all of this is so blurry. I was so fucked up and stressed, it’s not hard to know I split. But the thing is, Debra’s split was entirely different than any other split I’ve had. All of my other alters, it was… one second they’re not there, the next they are.

Debra didn’t do that. When Wade imagined someone to talk to, it wasn’t in our innerworld. It was in a different space, where we imagine our thoughts happening. Deb was entirely imaginary, and she seemed to say things as I thought them. Each negative thought I had was suddenly her saying them. (Sometimes, it seemed almost as if she would say the thought before I had it.) For every night for a week, they talked — though, it was more Debra talking and us listening and feeling worse about ourselves.

That first conversation, I remember Wade feeling better — empty, but not suicidal. After imagining Debra for that first time, Wade only felt non-suicidal if she was talking to him. Sometimes that didn’t even help, because really, she was just imagined — we were planning her thoughts. Until, suddenly, we weren’t anymore.

Side note: Deb is the first marked hallucination we have had. We were walking home from the bus stop, which was always inherently dissociative for us, and we looked over at our house. Out of the corner of our eyes, we saw Deb, floating around the cars parked on the road. We panicked at that, but a second later, she was gone. We believed magic was real for a solid day after that, and that our imagination was coming to real life.

After that week, Debra was autonomous. She started to slip out of the void and into our innerworld. She started to harass Wade in a living hell 24/7, instead of from 11pm to whenever Wade finally passed out at night. And she hated a lot of us. She expressed that we should all kill ourselves so she could take over, because she was so much better than the rest of us. It was around this time that Wade made his trauma room in our innerworld and ceased fronting as often.

It only ended when Numb, fed up with her and panicked from even him feeling the suicidal ideation, killed her. Protector killing the persecutor, how classic. He crushed her to death innerworld.

Deb didn’t make a reappearance until college, when she emerged from dormancy. But in the meantime, there are two blank years of my life after we killed Debra. I have so few memories from those years, I could count them on my hands. Clearly, killing her destabilized us, but if we hadn’t, I have no doubt I wouldn’t be alive today. She was succeeding in her goals, and it sounded logical to us at the time. We’ve worked hard to make peace with what happened.

LED:

College. We’re now self dx’d as having DID. We’re no longer around our peer abuser, and in fact had ‘broken up’ with her after she ‘crossed a line’. I was now an hour away from my parents (though I had to call them each night and drive home each weekend). I was living with my then-roommate-now-fiancé and I was best friends with the only person in my life who knew I had DID, who lived in a different dorm. We were convinced Rice was a host by people online, and we were in pro-endo spaces (though had yet to strongly participate in syscoruse spaces).

Deb came back. At the time, I was in a nice Singlet Era Lite(tm) — aka, Rice fronted almost constantly, until she would collapse and meltdown and then we would rapid switch for the next few days, only for Rice to power back to front. It was unstable, unhealthy, and an incredible burden on Rice (one she is still recovering from to this day). Until, one night (at 3am), Rice was on the verge of a mental collapse again. She was down on herself, convinced she was a failure.

And then Deb was there, telling her she was, telling her how worthless she was, and altogether making everything harder.

That summer, Deb would take to harassing Rice, in particular. We had a flawed idea from the systems we spoke to that Rice was the “original core identity” and that the goal of DID healing was to integrate* those identities into one. She wanted Rice to feel out of control, so Deb could take over as host. If she could just become the original identity somehow, then we could fuse and just be perfect like her.

The best way she could think to make Rice no longer be in control? Make Rice split. Force a split, make Rice create someone, just like how we’d made Deb, and make Rice realize she was pathetic.

So, the nightly torture began. No sleep until 3am most nights, passive influence of suicidal ideation, near constant whispering about our mistakes. And, long story short, one night it worked.

Rice finally had enough, and completely went dormant in her room. And, in her place, was LED. Not visualized like Deb had been, but planned by Deb, and made specifically to counteract her. Debra is a being of darkness and shadow; LED’s name is literally Light Emitting Diode. Debra is an ageless demon; LED is a 10 year old ray of sunshine.

Only… Debra came for him, said hello, and. Well. LED took one look at her, screamed so loud I thought it happened in real life, and shattered. Broke apart into a million pieces and went immediately dormant.

This shocked Debra enough to actually break through to her at least. Damage was done, though. A new split and two dormancies in one night. Deb retreated from the front and left everyone else to clean up the mess while she watched. Rice remained dormant for a few months, and would only come back for, at most, a few hours at a time before having a breakdown and leaving for, usually, around a half a year. LED didn’t come back for almost a year after that. Debra had a “come to Jesus” talk with our friend who was in the know, and she started helping out some.

Now:

They get along really well! It’s been years and years since those incidents. Deb feels guilt for what she did back then, but everyone’s forgiven her — LED being one of the first. He actually apologized to her for being scared. Goddamn sweet guy.

Both of them have adapted to the system, but needed time to adjust. LED adjusted in dormancy, whereas Debra had to adjust after she returned from dormancy. It was… incredibly unstable for us after Debra’s creation. Our therapist cites that as part of the risk of IFS with DID systems, and how it can lead to increase dissociative barriers. It did for us.

We call both created, because there was purpose behind their splits. Debra was imagined consciously, purposefully, to hold trauma. LED was purposefully made (even if unplanned, visually and personality wise) to make Rice feel worthless (and instead made her feel stronger… after a year or so). We also distinctly call both of them created traumagenic alters.

Whew. That was a long one. I’m gonna to rest after that…

#*Integration is used here as I heard it then (to mean fusion) even though I know that term means something different not #syscourse #created alters #trauma #tw trauma #trauma dump #Tw trauma dump #sui #sui ideation #depression #bluh tags #diamonds are a boy's best friend

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taliasafamer112blog · 1 year

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AfAmer112A#2

There are a few different approaches to trauma, and in the film NOPE, through the characters of OJ and Emerald, we can see two of them: Avoidance and acceptance. Some people try to lean in and work through their problems by externalizing their emotions, and OJ is the sibling who does so, accepting and externalizing his traumas. Throughout the film, it is evident that he cannot stop thinking and trying to figure things out. He is in his head the entire time and cannot fathom thinking about anything other than dealing with his financial distress and the death of his dear and beloved father. He looked up to him so, so much, and he was in a lot of pain after what happened. He does not allow anything else to occupy his time or headspace.

On the other hand, his sister Emerald is trying to learn how to deal with the feeling of alienation from her father, lack of attention, and failure within her Hollywood career. She internalizes her feelings and suppresses them using unhealthy coping mechanisms. Emerald visibly vapes consistently, trying to “take the edge off” and get her mind off things. There is an excellent contrast between OJ and Emerald, as although they are siblings, they have very different approaches to dealing with their traumas. Emerald has more of a child-like nature, whereas OJ has more of a paternal nature, almost as if he is stepping into the step of his father. I value how Jordan Peele emphasizes these two approaches to dealing with trauma, as I feel it is often overlooked in films. After watching the lecture and film, I have been reflecting on myself to understand how I deal with my traumas. This has been incredibly confusing and difficult, as I feel that I am a bit of both: I tend to externalize my traumas by discussing them with close friends and family, but only when I get distressed and have, quite literally, no more brain capacity to continue overthinking it internally. I feel this is because I often find it hard to find the right words that correctly address my feelings, emotions, perspective, thoughts, and opinions. I also feel it is because I am indecisive, so I cannot decide if I should outwardly discuss it or if I am better off suppressing it and dealing with it later on my own. This school year, however, has been very intense and challenging and has strained my mental health. One night in particular, I just exploded. I couldn’t take the stress anymore and just had to talk about what I was going through and what I kept repeatedly rethinking. I just started crying and talking to my Mom, which then led to what felt like a complete re-play of my past traumas while I discussed my current traumas. This made me understand how those past traumas I suppressed so profoundly and never resolved will eventually find their way back to the top, no matter how many years have passed. I am now taking steps to see a therapist to work through my traumas and get to the root of my issues, such as my self-esteem, anxiety, social anxiety, depression, etc. I feel incorporating certain mental health conversations, such as how Jordan Peele has through OJ and Emerald, can be incredibly helpful to audiences watching as it can open up more conversations and influence them to reflect on themselves, similar to me, and understand their coping mechanisms and traumas.

#nope film #jordan peele #black horror #black creators #daniel kaluuya #keke palmer #steven yeun #people's choice awards #favorite movies #oj haywood #emerald haywood

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angelxd-3303 · 2 years

Text

⚠️ cw mention of trauma.

You know, after much introspection, I've come to a realization. The new episodes resonated with me on a level deeper than I thought. I thought it was just because I love dhmis, and I was excited for the new installments in the series. To an extent, this is true.

However, I think it runs deeper than that. I think I connected with it so intensely because I've reached that point mentally.

Let me explain: something that fans have pointed out is that the trio aren't as helplessly terrified as they were in the beginning. They've come to expect the madness, and meet it with sarcasm. Like with Warren. They went back and forth with him, something they probably wouldn't have done before. The Healthy Food crew definitely would've had their work cut out with the new Duck!

What does that have to do with me? Well, when I was younger, I met traumatizing things with fear, I felt like I could never escape the feelings I had. I was more or less dragged along, since I had no control over what adults were around me, or the decisions they made. The things they did hurt me, and like the teachers, they did their damage and left me to deal with it.

Now, however, I tend to face things much the same way the trio does. With sarcasm and spite. I'm learning to fight back, and now I'm trying desperately to get out.

For this reason, Red Guy definitely resonated with me. In the first episodes, he was a lot like I was for quite some time. I shut down emotionally because I couldn't handle the things I'd dealt with. I found it hard to connect emotionally with others, and many saw me as uncaring.

In the new episodes, it's like he in particular has grown with me. He's aware things aren't the way they ought to be, and he's starting to snap. Those bits where he starts yelling? Yeah, that's years of pent up frustration and sadness, and I recognized it in myself. I've had no less than three panic attacks this year, which might not seem like a lot, but for someone who never had them before? Yeah that's a lot. I've found myself getting angry so much quicker, even over stupid things. I form quick connections with people who give me positive feedback, desperate for love, and I see that in him.

Like with the fax machine. She complimented him, reassuring him he was doing well. She helped him understand what was going on, seemed to really care about him. He formed an attachment immediately. Because she cared.

The scene in the transportation episode where he's trying to get the car to work and he's saying: "Just a little further, come on! I'm not going back to that house!" Was so reminiscent of my own feelings that I had to pause the episode to process it.

It may not have been the creator's intention, but these new episodes seemed to project a lot of the struggles I'm going through at the moment.

Navigating the workplace in these stressful times, dealing with the death of several people I love, disconnecting from friends I've had since childhood because they've gone down a bad path, family letting me down again and again, desperate to leave my situation and find something better for myself, and just trying to figure out how to process everything. Looking deep into myself to try and sort out the negative emotions and cope with them. Feeling like I'm left to deal with everything in the dark. Not knowing when the light will come back.

I might be overthinking this, but I kinda just wanted to share my thoughts. It's a horror series, and it's got a lot of humor in it, but deep down I think it also said so much about how people like me have dealt with our trauma as we've gotten older. It's not the same for everyone, I know, but seeing characters deal with trauma the same way I did(Red Guy especially) is really comforting in a way. It makes me feel heard.

Sorry for the rant, this was mostly to try and sort out the feelings I've had for awhile now. Let it be known that you guys have helped so much. To know that something I enjoy makes people happy is so amazing to me! Anyways, if you made it this far, thanks for letting this mouse ramble, and have a great day!

#dhmis #personal vent #red guy #mention of trauma

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