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crystxlclear · 3 years

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sudden desire

chapter eleven: it’s just a spark, but it’s enough

part twelve of sudden desire

masterlist

word count: 1.5k

warnings: mentions of pregnancy, mentions of illness, vague references to sex, not really much else honestly?

pairing: marcus pike x original female character (coraline meyer)

author’s note: 😎

Robert Meyer's diagnosis isn't as bad as they'd first thought. There's still nothing that they can do - save for some new medication and a hundred different doctor's appointments - but, at the very least, he'd be out of hospital soon and back to his usual self in a few days.

Coraline has been on edge the entire week; she can feel the worry tugging at her heart at every waking hour, even when she thinks she's distracted herself just long enough to think about something else for a little while. She knows full-well that distractions aren't the healthiest way to cope - Marcus has tried to speak to her about it, but she usually tries her best to avoid the subject, asking about his day, instead, and what film he wants to watch that night - but she's sure that, if she thinks about it for too long, she won't be able to stop. And the darkness will creep in, again.

They'd visited her father every single day since he'd been admitted. Sitting by his bedside, talking about nothing and everything, but avoiding the heaviest of subjects that lingers in the air between them. He'd told her, once, that he approved. Didn't entirely agree, but at least approved. She's sure she almost cried, and she looked utterly ridiculous in the way her mouth twisted and pursed as she bit back the tears.

The relief she'd felt when he'd told her that was wonderful.

Since then, her and Marcus have been trying again.

It all seems lighter, now. There's no unspoken tension or hesitation between them, tension and hesitation they hadn't even noticed between them before her parent's visit. Now, his hands on her hips, the gentle brush of his thumbs over her skin, and his lips against hers, they feel familiar and intentional. And, somehow, normal, now. In ways it hadn't felt before.

Each brush of his lips against her neck feels like that of a lover, not a friend.

But they're just that. Just friends.

Waking in each other's arms brings so much comfort that they seem to forget every single sadness that plagues them when they move.

They keep each other - and their feelings - at arms length. No one has to know.

If, Marcus supposes, Coraline even feels anything at all.

They sink into a routine, again. Something more comfortable.

Coraline goes to work early, sits in a makeup chair, and films her scenes each day. Marcus goes to work at the same time, sits at his desk and follows each and every lead with meticulous precision. They both do what they do best. Then, they visit Coraline's father - Marcus' hands there to comfort her, if she needs him - and then they eat their takeout, watch a movie, laugh and joke and grin. They spend the night together. As friends. Some might say it's a rut, a boring and mindless routine that never differs. But, if it means they get to see each other, they just don't care. Their pattern has barely deviated for weeks but she wouldn't have it any other way.

Marcus knows there's danger in it all, in doing what they're doing when he's already admitted to himself how he feels about her. But there's nothing there for him, not like that; he'd do this for her, if that's what she wants. No ulterior motives, just her happiness. He'd do it for her if it meant giving her everything.

That morning, the sun seems bright and dazzling. It cuts through the gap in her drawn curtains, the gentle light golden behind the soft, gauzy material. It bathes her in a pool of sunlight. If he didn't know any better, he'd swear that she is the sun.

Marcus pulls himself from Coraline's sheets that morning with so much reluctance weighing down his limbs that it feels as if he's underwater. She's tucked up between the bed sheets, looking so content and as comfortable as ever. He does nothing but kiss her temple before he finally pulls himself from the tangle of wonder and sunshine. She sighs and stretches her arm out a little, fingers splaying over the absent space where he'd once laid, and buries her head into the soft pillow but doesn't wake. She's been exhausted lately, and who is he to deprive her of rest?

...

She only wakes ten minutes before he has to leave. There's coffee still warm in the pot and she accepts it gratefully when he offers, in her favourite mug, of course. She's taken to drinking less just in case, worried of the horror stories of caffeine and pregnancy. Her smile is bright, as always, but there's something about the way her eyes sparkle that seems different. She watches him with soft green eyes after she fills her coffee with creamer and that ridiculous syrup she insists on buying every time she goes grocery shopping.

She's a vision in his t-shirt, too big for her and hanging from her shoulders, and he doesn't ever want a morning without her there, watching him like he's her favourite movie.

(It's Melancholia. She has at least three different copies, and one sits beside her television set at all times.)

The notion of ever leaving her makes his heart ache. He's no good at goodbyes.

"What time will you be home tonight?"

By home, she means her apartment. Not his.

She avoids his gaze while she asks. He thinks he sees her blush, cheeks flushing a gentle pink, but she ducks her head away too quickly for him to see.

"Usual time, why?" There's a granola bar half hanging out of his mouth as he ties his tie.

She shakes her head and waves a hand of dismissal, especially at the slightly concerned and confused furrow of his brow. "No reason, don't worry about it," she insists and sends him on his way with a kiss on his cheek and a brilliant smile.

...

The weight of anticipation always weighs too heavy on her chest. Good or bad, it lingers, and it's as if it's choking the life out of her. She's glad she doesn't have to work today, glad that no one gets to see the extent of her restlessness, and surely her inability to concentrate on anything but the face her mind is racing at a mile a minute, with no signs of slowing down. Or, at least, no one but the delivery guy who'd told her to enjoy her food, when she'd fired a 'you too' right back at him.

She's practically gripping the edge of the countertop when Marcus returns from work. It probably looks like she hasn't moved, still sat there upon the same barstool as she sat upon that morning. She only lacks his shirt, switching it for her own jeans and a sweater, and the mug of coffee she was still drinking when he left. She taps her nails against the wood as she hears the familiar sound of the lock turning and his key dropping into the bowl by the front door. Coraline hears Marcus groan low in his throat as he rolls his shoulders and sigh when he hangs up his jacket.

He calls out her name when he can't see her sitting on the couch and she pops her head up to etch the most convincing smile she can muster upon her face. "Hi."

Marcus is still rubbing his thumb over the back of his neck, lolling his head from side to side to lessen the pressure and tension that has built up in his muscles. "You won't believe the day I've had." The tension is even palpable in his voice. "That big lead we had? False tip," he grumbles as he tugs on the knot of his tie to loosen it. She rarely sees him even slightly upset or angry, not at anything. And he loves his job more than he lets on; it's there in his face when he talks about each case he's working on. "So, we're back to nothing." Marcus sighs and moves to stand next to Coraline.

He smiles at her, but it drops almost immediately. "What's wrong?" She blinks up at him with wide eyes. "Cora-" His voice is low and he takes her face in his hands. She can't look away when he does that, not that she would ever want to.

"I'm pregnant." When she speaks, it feels like she's in space. The words that leave her lips don't seem like her own. They seem false, almost, but in the most perfect of ways. Like it can't possibly be her reality.

"You- you- what?" His eyes are as wide as saucers. His mouth falls open and then closes again, falls open, then closes again. "Seriously?" His words come out in a breath. "You're-"

"Seriously." She thinks she's grinning, but the world seems nothing but a clouded haze that seems like a dream. She feels like she's in a dream, a world that isn't real.

"We're gonna have a baby?" Marcus' voice is quiet. It's as if he's telling her a secret, something for just their ears to hear. Perhaps it is, for now.

"Yes- yes-" Coraline is breathless. we're going to have a baby."

"Oh my God- oh my god- Cora!"

He kisses her. It's brief and gentle. He kisses her again. A little more insistent, this time.

"A little bit of good in this darkness, huh?"

"Finally."

taglist: @wheresthewater @its--fandom--darling @alberta-sunrise @sara-alonso @madslorian @freeshavocadoooo @giselatropicana

#marcus pike x original character #marcus pike x original female character #marcus pike x female character #marcus pike x reader #marcus pike x female reader #marcus pike x coraline meyer #sudden desire

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timextoxhajima · 4 years

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Member: lee jaehyun aka hyunjae from tbz cause i feel like there are too many jaehyuns around now ;_; my heart can’t take too many perfect men of the same name

Genre: COLLEGE... CRUSH? idk this is probably gonna be my most crack piece (you can already tell by the track)

Word Count: 4.3k

A/N: I wrote this at like 1.30am so please bear with me lol my inspiration always come in the middle of the night because it’s so quiet and conducive

this will be a one shot cause i’ve got no fucking clue how to make it into a series/short novel without an actual conflict/angst/drama involved :”) if you’re a writer and you see this and you want to make a 2nd part or something, BE MY GUEST

lee hyun jae.

who was he to me?

oh, i don’t know.

just the prettiest but handsomest man alive. if that’s even a word.

he’s always surrounded by like, eleven other boys who are also good-looking and talented in some way or another.

god must’ve invested his entire life into crafting these fine, fine specimens of men to be placed on earth.

maybe there was a mix up somewhere and they were supposed to be angels or demi-gods and god just fucked up.

but i’ve got no complaints.

i’m satisfied that i get to feast my eyes on such a gorgeous, rare, one-of-a-kind version of a person i’m sure exists nowhere else in the world.

he’s known for being one of the most caring ones of the group. he’d make his friends laugh but watch out for them at the same time. he’s so easygoing, i wonder if he’d smile at me if i tripped him over or something.

you might think i’m exaggerating.

well,

i’m not.

so who am i to him?

sadly, nobody.

harsh truth.

there was absolutely nothing wrong with the man. there was a lack of flaw, and that was literally the only flaw he had. if it could even be considered as a flaw. i could spend my seconds, minutes, hours, days, just staring at him. it was so unfair that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.

sometimes it pisses me off.

it kind of pisses me off that he doesn’t have a girlfriend despite half the school simping over him.

i mean, who wouldn’t? just look at him.

there have been rumors flying about that he was gay or something.

doesn’t matter if he is gay though.

it simply hurts to know he’s not dating anybody.

it’ll be such a waste if such a man ends up living a life alone. a waste indeed.

so what was it that was stopping me from putting that destiny of his to a screeching stop?

well, there was just one problem.

“hELLO, earth to y/n?” the sudden waving in your face with the heaviest textbook in your curriculum snaps you back into reality.

“which one of the twelve are you thinking up some magical fantasy over now?” your best friend frowns at you, the vein on her arm popping from the weight of the fat textbook.

“ah-- it doesn’t matter who i’m daydreaming about, let me have my moment, would you?” you lean back in your seat, disgruntled at her telling you what not to do with your own imagination. sometimes it was difficult to look at her without seeing all the little hints of lee hyunjae in her.

they had the same nose, but that was it. honestly, it was a miracle you just happened to make friends with one of the prettiest girls in school, and good for you, she ended up becoming your friend and stayed in that position for more than a decade. naturally, she was upgraded to the ‘best friend’ title.

the biggest issue you had with lee hee jae was that she hated her brother getting so much attention, and she has always condemned him about it.

which was pretty ironic, given the number of love letters that show up in her locker everyday.

but thanks to her cold, a-little-more-than-mean superficial personality, most guys don’t have enough of a pair to talk to her in person. sure, she won’t hesitate to stab a bitch, but you knew her well enough to know that if the love of her life, son young jae, were to suddenly sprout feelings for her and confess, she might just nose bleed and pass out.

but does she know you have had the biggest, fattest crush on her older brother?

no.

she’d kidnap you and torture you and brainwash you to unlike him.

maybe that’s why he hasn’t got any girlfriends.

“you’re zoning out again,” she snaps her finger in your ear and the sharp click jumps you. you bare your teeth in annoyance and feign a hit towards her, but she doesn’t flinch.

your little high school crush on her brother wasn’t getting any weaker as the years went by. in fact, it’s been getting stronger. now that you’ve seen the way he treats his friends, how kind and considerate he was, not to mention that body-- well--

let’s just say you went from just appreciating his face, to everything in general. it was only a matter of time before she finds out that the one man you were simping over out of the eleven boys was her brother.

of the eleven boys, it just had to be her brother.

“hee jae,” you pull out a pencil and start to randomly doodle in your notebook. “haven’t you ever considered talking to eric?”

she shoots you a death glare, but you’re used to it.

“i thought we agreed not to speak of this in school!” she leans into you and hisses, eyes piercing right through your head. if her eyes had lazers, your head would’ve been blasted off completely after years of her angry glaring.

“no, but eric just seems so... chill, y’know? he’s either cleaning his table and packing his stuff or outside playing baseball, there’s literally nothing stopping you from talking to him.”

she rolls her eyes and snatches your pencil away from you in a bid to piss you off so you’d stop talking.

“give it back--” you snatch the stationery from her and hiss at her like a cat. “you’re literally in the damn baseball team with him. it’s not that difficult to make up a story and start a conversation with him.”

“ha,” she’s finally mastered the art of fake laughter. “easy for you to say. you simp for all eleven of them and can’t choose one for you to worry about it like i do.”

that was fun to hear.

“well, forget eric,” she waves it off. “are we doing anything after school?”

anything but going to your house. i don’t want to be stuck under the same roof as your brother, my heart would get a seizure and i’ll probably die on the spot.

“my mom’s making crepes today, and i know you love that shit,” hee jae snickers, pulling out a baseball from her bag and throwing it into the air and catching it.

“aw, man... not the crepes,” you pout and side eye her, leaning back into your seat.

“why are you so uptight about going to my place? you’ve been there a billion fucking times, you literally live there now.”

that’s cause i’m only over when your brother isn’t around!

“ugh, okay fine. but i gotta dash home first to grab some homework. i left some of it at home ‘cause i wasn’t expecting an invitation today.”

she squeals, showing you a part of her that nobody else has the privilege of seeing. “sick,” she gets out of the seat she dragged to yours and brings it back to where she took it from. “call my home number and tell me you’re on your way before you leave your house!”

you nod un-enthusiastically, waving her off before she leaves the classroom and returns to hers.

you were finally back at home, showered and changed into comfortable clothes while you shoved all your homework into your bag. you leave your parents a text to tell them that you’d spend the afternoon and evening at heejae’s so they don’t have to worry about your dinner, then you dial her home number.

the phone was on it’s eighth ring, and you were already one foot out of the door. usually, it doesn’t take her that long to pick up the phone.

“this little bitch invites me over and doesn’t pick up the damn--”

“hello?”

your grip tightens around your phone and you stumble out of your house, the door swinging shut behind jumps you and you process the voice on the other end of the line.

“uh--”

“is this y/n?”

“uh... yeah, this is she.”

he knows me?

shut up, of course he knows you. you’ve been friends with his sister for a decade!

“oh, okay, cool. heejae’s in the toilet right now and she said she’ll get it but i couldn’t stand the sound of the phone ringing.”

“ah...” your voice trails off, unsure of how to respond. you were just preoccupied with how soothing his voice was, and just imagining his face with the phone to his ear on the other line was just so--

“hello? y/n? you there?”

“yeah, yeah, sorry i was... crossing a road.” you weren’t even moving; you were just planted into the pavement like a tree.

“actually, why don’t i go and pick you up? your place is on the way to the shopping mall and my mom just told me to go get some groceries, do you want to tag along? we can head back to my place afterwards and you can get the crepes you like.”

where in the world was he getting all this information from?

“uh--” you stammer into the receiver for the billionth time. he must think you have some kind of speech problem by now.

“you know what? just hang tight for a few minutes. heejae’s still in the bathroom so she doesn’t get a say in what i do if i decide it without her presence,” you hear him walk around on the house and call out for his mom to tell her he was leaving for the shopping mall. “you live on 31st avenue, right? the white house with the blue roof?”

“uH--” you really need to get a grip on yourself.

“i guessed. hang tight, i’ll be there in a sec! see you!”

hyunjae doesn’t bother to wait for you to hang up before he does. the line goes dead and the beep nearly deafens you, but you couldn’t believe your ears. you were about to be in the same vehicle as lee hyun jae. one of the most popular boys in school, the handsomest man alive, the love of your li--

whoa.

too fast.

you shake the nonsensical daydreams out of your head and walk back to the steps of your door. while waiting, you can’t help but to let the quiet crush on him run your mind recklessly.

what if he was just messing with you and he’s just chilling at home? what if he knows that you have a crush on him and he’s just having fun? what if he thinks you’re weird for hanging out with his sister? what if he’s caught you staring and he thinks you’re a creep? oh my god, what if heejae’s told him embarrassing stories about you and now he’s going to poke fun at you with that?

you stare blankly at the little weeds in the cracks of the pavement, the thoughts in your head running wild as you slowly convince yourself he’s not going to turn up.

but the familiar silver family car rolls up at the end of the pavement, and the windows roll down to reveal hyunjae in sunglasses wearing a simple white tee-shirt.

“did i keep you waiting?” he pushes down his sunglasses and looks at you over the rim, one arm dangling outside the window.

you shake your head, suddenly losing all ability to speak.

“alrighty then, get in. we’re heading for the shopping mall.” he nods his head towards the car, retracting his arm back into the vehicle.

your heart was thumping so aggressively and so loudly you were sure he could hear it. hell, he could probably see it.

“how’s school? i haven’t seen you around back in my house after... what, about five years? you were always around when i was out, if i didn’t know better, i’d think you were avoiding me,” his voice was so alluring, you had to constantly remind yourself that he was actually saying something.

“uh-- well....”

come on, say something. anything.

“i guess god just doesn’t want us to meet.”

no, it’s because you were avoiding him. what the flying fuck was that?

he laughs heartily, his teeth catching the light of the afternoon sun and glistens in your vision. “if that’s the case then god really needs to give me a break.”

your little-crush-on-him morphs into a tiny character in your head and it starts yelling at you. did he just say what you think he just said?

“no, i mean,” he glances at you, hands still on the steering wheel once he notices you’ve gone eerily silent. “i would’ve spoken to you and tried to be actual friends with you sooner, but heejae never wants me talking to her friends. you can imagine how she is with her best friend.”

you sigh heavily, the mention of your best friends’ name loosening some knots in your stomach. “lee hee jae is just something. not sure what, but something.”

“it does baffle me to think about how you put up with her for what, nine years now?”

you were looking out the window, and the idea of being in the same car as hyunjae doesn’t seem as tormenting as it seemed once you realise the best support you’ve had for the last ten years was lee hee jae.

“eleven, actually,” you say without looking at him, eyes zeroing on a couple walking a dog on the pavement by the road. “yeah i guess she can be a handful sometimes, especially with how cold and mean she is on the outside...”

the car stops at a traffic junction.

“but put her in front of one guy and she’ll pass the fu--”

“‘one guy’?” he interrupts.

your eyes widen and you suck your lips between your teeth, wincing a little to yourself when you realise what you just said.

“lee hee jae has a crush on someone?” you hear him scoff and a brotherly chuckle rushes out his lips. “do you know who it is?”

you were about to protest and stop him from trying to dig the information that you nearly disclosed, but he interrupts you again.

“y’know what? don’t tell me. i’ll guess. i’ll just watch your reactions while i’m at it.”

you grit your teeth and tighten your temples. you don’t realise how sweaty your palms were until your phone slides out from underneath your skin when the car starts to move.

“is it kevin? no wait-- doesn’t feel like it.”

is he going to just start talking on his own until he finds someone he thinks suits her and then look at my face to read my expression?

“i don’t think she’s the kind to go for someone older than me or my age. so that takes sangyeon, jacob, younghoon-- is it younghoon? no, it’s not... ah, no matter how i think about it, someone nearer your age pops up. haknyeon, sunwoo, eric. it’s one of the three.”

that wasn’t so hard. hee jae must be easy for her brother to read.

“are you really going to let me play this elimination game alone?” he raises a brow and turns the wheel, driving into the car park of the shopping mall. the little gesture causes your heart to involuntarily skip a beat, and you could see his eyes folding even behind the sunglasses when he turns his head.

“your sister would kill me if she knew i even started this conversation, so i’m just refraining from deepening my grave.”

you hear him laugh through his nose. “relax, i’m not going to tell her you said this. i’ve seen the way she looks at us whenever we’re in school. she gives me a look of disgust but she always reserves a blush on her cheeks for someone. i just can’t put my finger on who it is.”

“you mean you notice the way she looks at you and your friends? that’s a little weird.”

the car starts to reverse into a parking lot and he pulls the gears into parking mode. there was a short silence in the air as he lays his finger on the start up button of the car and he turns to look at you, now without the sunglasses to block your view of his eyes.

“you’d be surprised that i notice a lot of things.”

he flashes you a smile and reaches for the door on his side, pushing himself out as if he didn’t just expose both you and your best friend.

you were just tailing hyunjae while he told you what was on the grocery list, and you start filling the basket. he doesn’t stop guessing though, but the entire time spent with him only made you feel like he was so comfortable to be around.

besides his pretty face, of course.

you were waiting for him to pay for the items while you stood outside when heejae’s caller ID showed up on your phone screen.

“where the hell are you?”

“hello to you too,” you roll your eyes. “your brother said he was going to get me and now we’re shopping for groceries before we return to your place. didn’t your mom tell you?”

“what? no, she didn’t. she just told me he went out to get groceries.”

“huh?” you look over your shoulder to see hyunjae paying the cashier. “are you saying that your mom lied about me?”

“now, why would she do that?”

“she’s your mom, not mine. why don’t you ask her instead?”

hyunjae picks up the grocery bags and walks towards you, looking into them and making sure he didn’t miss out anything.

“this is so fucking weird. where’s hyunjae? pass the phone to him,”

“we’re done, let’s go.” hyunjae stops by your side, noticing that you were on the phone.

“don’t you dare hang up on me, pass the phone to him!” hee jae screams into the receiver. you wince and pull it away from your ear, shooting hyunjae a look of slight confusion as you hand him the phone.

“it’s your sister.”

he sighs and places the bags on the floor, wiping his hands on his pants before taking it.

you could hear hee jae screaming at him on the other end, but hyunjae’s face doesn’t change one bit besides that sweet smile plastered to his lips while he let his sister berate him. hyunjae got bored extremely quickly, and he was already removing the phone from his ear while he repeated the word ‘bye’ into the receiver.

he hands the phone back to you and hangs it up for you, picking up the bags and heading back to the car.

by the time you reach the road right outside their house, heejae was standing on the porch, anxiously tapping her foot on the wooden boards.

“oh, no,” he groans, looking out the window and observing heejae like she was a lion in the savannah. “well, just another day for us people who have to deal with miss lee.”

he says so coyly, pushing himself out of the car and going to open the door of the backseat. you help yourself out, and heejae storms toward you, fists balled by her side and steam coming out through her ears.

you thought she was going to scream at you for accepting a ride from hyunjae, but she dodges you and opens the backseat door opposite hyunjae to yell at him in the car.

“what made you think it was a great idea to pick her up? didn’t we have a deal that both our friends were out of bounds to each other?”

wait what--

“yah, lee hyunjae!” she yells at the top of her voice as he ignores her, pulling out of the car and walking towards the house. “we had a deeeeeaaaaaaal!”

you grab onto heejae and turn her around, trying to peel her attention away from her brother and to you so you could get a grasp on what she just said.

“did you just say what i think you just said?!” you blink in surprise at her, and the thought of hyunjae finding an excuse just to spend time with you melts you into a puddle of hopeless goop.

“no,” she says with a stern face, lifting a finger and pointing at you in the face. “no.”

“well--” she yanks herself out of your grip and turns to the house. “what’s so bad about dating your siblings’ friends? you like eric.”

she literally screeches to a stop and turns around with eyes that were burning. honestly, it was pretty funny to see her so riled up, knowing that she wasn’t angry at you. she was angry with hyunjae for... whatever he did, and the fact that she just had to fall for someone in hyunjae’s circle of friends. it was a slap in her face, or whoever thought about the no-dating-siblings’-friends pact.

“is that why you don’t want to talk to eric? because of this... deal?” you raise a brow, entertained, completely forgetting that there was the slightest chance that hyunjae might’ve been looking for an excuse to hang out with you, and he had just succeeded.

she had no words, but her silence was enough to let you unpack the situation.

“ah... i see,” you fold your arms across your chest and smirk at her. then you remember you were standing right outside lee hyunjae’s house. this was your chance to dig the information out from her. “so if this deal is stopping you from talking to eric, then is it safe to assume that it’s similar for hyunjae?”

you could see her bottom lip quivering upon your question, as she realises that you’ve finally found out why she was keeping a distance from her own teammate. but her silence also pushes you further into confusion. does that mean--

“look, you can’t date hyunjae, okay? i forbid it. the last time a girl dated someone in that group of friends of his, they broke up because she got bullied by other girls in school. i told hyunjae he wasn’t allowed to date any of my friends so i wouldn’t need to beat the fuck out of any bullies and get myself expelled,” she huffed and hugged her torso. “and i made him agree to that deal by promising him that neither i nor any of my friends would date his.”

you shake your head, fingers pressing into your temples and hair while you let the story unfold from her narration.

“my mom didn’t tell me about him going to get you because... well... he--”

“i like you!”

your heart stops and you think your blood stopped flowing through you as well. heejae’s head snaps back to look at the house and the source of noise, and she pulls out a shoe to hurl it at hyunjae.

“ah--!” he starts yelling once she reaches him with the shoe. “let me at least try, god damn it! sunwoo only let his girlfriend get bullied because he’s a dumbass-- ow! but i’m not gonna let her get bullied, i promise!”

you slowly turn your head to see hyunjae trying to dodge every hit, and he starts running away from her and toward you. he pulls you in front of him so you were standing between him and heejae, who was holding onto the shoe so tightly, her knuckles were turning white.

“y/n, take a chance with me, would you? i’ve always noticed the both of you looking at us but it always bothered me that i have no idea who either of you are looking at--”

he dodges a side swing, and your view of heejae trying to reach him was pretty hilarious, if you weren’t acting as his shield.

“what makes you think she’ll say yes?! she can’t even choose--”

“i do, heejae,” finally, you’ve decided to shoot your shot. heejae freezes with the shoe in mid-air, and hyunjae’s hold on your shoulders tighten. “i’ve only said i can’t choose only because i didn’t want you to know that it was your brother i liked.”

you couldn’t believe what was coming out of your mouth. all that effort to keep it hidden only to expose yourself infront of both heejae and her brother at once?!

she looked like she wanted to slap you with the shoe now, and you flinch when she shifts, closing your eyes to brace for impact.

but it doesn’t come.

you open one eye and look at her, and she looked like she’s completely resigned to fate. she shakes her head like your mother would when you did something stupid, and she squats to get her shoe back on her feet.

“i give up,” she grunts, shoving her feet into her shoe and tying the laces messily before standing up again. “of all eleven of them, him?” she raises an agitated brow and points to the boy hiding behind you.

“it wouldn’t have been so annoying if it had been one of his friends, but him?!”

you turn back to look at hyunjae, who was giving you puppy eyes as if he was already your boyf--

too fast.

“does it look like i chose to like him?” you pout, hands reaching out to her and trying to play for affection.

“for fucks’ sake,” she groans, face palming herself. “now i’m going to look like a shitty friend and sister if i don’t let you two date.”

“on the bright side..” you pull her into a hug and tighten your hold, knowing that whatever you were going to say next was going to warrant another violent outburst from her. “if hyunjae and i date, that means the deal’s broken and...”

“you can talk to eric now.”

“AH! SO IT’S ERIC?!”

#timetohajima #hyunjae #lee hyunjae #lee jaehyun #the boyz #the boyz hyunjae #the boyz one shot #the boyz scenario #the boyz fanfic #the boyz imagine #hyunjae one shot #hyunjae scenario #hyunjae fanfic #hyunjae imagine #timetohajima playlist feels

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purplesurveys · 2 years

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1349

surveys by taco-tuesdays

How often do you give into temptation? I’m pretty bad at fighting urges, to be honest. I’m not the best at handling discomfort so if I’m hungry, I usually won’t hesitate to spend extra for food delivery; or like if someone invites me out even though I had planned to stay home, I’ll easily give in.

Do you ever pray, even if you don't believe in God? I don’t pray.

Have you ever been to Mexico? Nope.

What's the highest amount of money you've ever won off a scratch card? I’ve never even tried getting one. Like I’ve said on an older survey, this isn’t a habit I want to start forming as it might just end up being an addiction.

Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand before? No. Even though I’ve read a lot of articles saying quicksand isn’t nearly as bad as what a lot of books or videos make it out to be, I still find them pretty freaky. Considering I panic easily, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle a quicksand situation well.

What's the heaviest weight limit that you can lift? If I remember correctly 70 lbs was my absolute limit when I had to take a weight training PE class in college.

What's the shortest or longest length you've ever had your hair grow? Longest would be waist-length, I think. Shortest would be just below my ears.

Do you buy from websites such as SHEIN or Wish? No. Wish isn’t available here to begin with, and then with Shein I’m kind of on the fence. It’s super affordable and there’s millions of selections which make it a, realistically, convenient option; but then you hear stories of artists’ works being stolen and how the clothes actually turn out low-quality in real life and labor issues...so, idk. All I can say for myself is I’ve never bought anything from Shein and probably won’t any time soon.

Do you use coupons when you go to stores, or do you pay full price? Wow haha this question was literally on the last survey I took. Anyway I don’t really use coupons (or GCs? if that’s what you mean?) at least for in-store shopping, but when buying stuff online I do try to scour around for vouchers that would give me the best deal.

The last nest you saw - was it a bird nest or a hornet's nest? I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a bird’s nest ever.

Do you enjoy Jeff Dunham? I had a brief period where I did, mostly because of my dad because he was (and I believe, still is) a Jeff Dunham fan. He hasn’t been something I’d seek out on my own, though.

Who is your favorite character from Frozen? I never watched the movie and the sequel.

Did you finish high school? If not, do you plan on doing so? Yeah, six years ago.

Do you give money to homeless people if they ask? Only sometimes, like when they knock on my window at a red light. I’m also more likely to help out the elderly.

How often do you get things from secondhand stores? We don’t have a lot of secondhand stores per se where I live except for bookstores. But when it comes to photocards I do tend to buy pre-owned ones. It’s just easier to transact and faster to receive that way.

Have you been in a simulator that mimicked a submarine or rollercoaster? I’ve tried a rollercoaster one, yeah. As for a submarine, it’s not exactly a simulator but at the National Museum of Natural History they have an installation that lets you ‘enter’ a submarine then inside it had some visual tidbits about the sea and marine animals.

Where's the last place you traveled to by airplane? When? It’s been a hot goddamn minute hahaha. It was somewhere in Bicol, last March 2019. Or 2018. I honestly can’t remember.

What is a ridiculous law in your country, province, or state? We don’t have divorce and abortion here; both are illegal.

Have you ever been a part of a news story before? Technically. I’ve mentioned this so many times on previous surveys but when it was announced that Marcos was going to be transferred to the Heroes’ Cemetery to be given a pRoPeR bUrIaL, it enraged a lot of people, particularly students, thousands of whom took to the streets to protest, including me. I believe some professors canceled class to let students rally as well. Anyway, national news picked the story up and how it was the youth that led the immediate protests; there were a handful of drones in my area so it was safe to assume I got included in those shots.

How often do you go out to eat instead of cooking for yourself? I get food delivered once a week; for the rest of the week I rely on my mom’s cooking.

Did you used to wear those colored "sex bracelets" when you were younger? No. I’m afraid I don’t even have a clue what these are.

What is the largest family of siblings that you know of? My maternal grandpa had 7 other siblings.

Can you give me your own definition of love? It’s what sticks around in the mundane, in the everyday.

What foreign languages were offered to you at school? I never had to take electives so I never got to memorize the lineup of foreign language classes my university offered, but off the top of my head we had French, Korean, Japanese, German, Spanish, Mandarin, Thai, and Russian.

If you were required to take a course right now, what would you choose? I’d continue my Korean lessons.

Team Biden or Team Trump? I don’t think I’m in the place to pick sides on things like this, but personally I fucking hate Trump if that helps understand my thoughts on this question.

What is an animal native to your country that may not exist in others? The tamaraw.

What are some of your favorite autumn activities? Idk, I wouldn’t be able to relate.

Do you own many stuffed animals as an adult? It’s not a lot but I do have a handful of plushies on my bed now, all of them Tatas.

What are some of your favorite winter activities? Idk, can’t relate part two.

Do you eat a shit-ton the week before your period? Nah but I get more emotional and sentimental than usual. That’s my telltale sign that my period is coming soon.

Wendy's, McDonalds, or Burger King? Wendy’s is great.

Popeyes, Chick-Fil-A, or KFC? Popeye’s if I’m wanting a more premium chicken sandwich, but KFC is great and more accessible too. We don’t have the other one.

When people use poor grammar, does it bother you? No. It just annoys me in extremely specific situations, I guess? If they’re racist or whatever and use poor grammar, it bothers me. If they’re speaking in what’s meant to be their first language, but uses poor grammar, and is either arguing a weak point or being condescending to someone in general, it bothers me.

What are your favorite type of flowers? Peonies.

What versions of tag did you enjoy playing as a child? Ice ice water.

Hopscotch, jump rope, pogo stick, or hula hoop? Jump rope or hula hoop.

What's the weirdest question you've ever asked Alexa? Oh man, I can’t remember haha. I haven’t fucked around with Siri/Google in a while.

Do you have a cooling fan to put underneath your laptop? No. I don’t put too much work on my laptop anyway so it doesn’t really put its fan on full power unless I’m on a video call and working on spreadsheets on the side.

What is your alcoholic beverage of choice? Tequila if we’re taking shots, mixed drinks/cocktails if we’re just chilling.

What was your favorite part of the playground, growing up? I guess I always had a thing for texture, because as a kid I already liked just spending my time at the sandbox; I don’t think I ever felt the need to go down the slide 100 times or swing on monkey bars haha. Even now I’m into stuff like that, especially kinetic sand.

What's the worst blizzard you've ever experienced? I’ve never encountered one.

What's the longest your electricity has ever been out? Like two and a half days. I’ll never forget it because the entire neighborhood – which is quiet like 200% of the time – whooped once the street lights came on.

Have you ever found a lost cat or dog before? Were you able to reunite it? I’ve never seen a lost cat or dog that was clearly a pet, i.e. with a collar, but stray dogs are quite common here. Luckily there’s also a lot of animal shelters/NGOs and a lot of kind souls who take strays/lost pets in their own homes until they’re claimed.

Do you ever get any insect infestations in your house in spring? Not in the spring, but during the rainy season we’ll occasionally get gamu-gamo, or flying termites, swarming our light sources. When that happens I usually just turn off the light so they can go away.

What's your least favorite season, and why? We don’t have your usual four seasons, but where I live I really really hate the dry season because it gets hot and uncomfy and gross.

If a turtle lost his shell, would he be naked or homeless? Idk man, but I’d just feel bad for the turtle.

Have you ever gone outside your house naked before? Never.

How long does it take you to fold your clean laundry? Half an hour since I also do my family’s. If talking about just my clothes it’d probably take 10-15 minutes.

Do you make your bed on a daily basis? Not always. With work taking up all my life I barely have time to make my bed on weekdays.

Have you ever gotten a French manicure before? No.

Who hurt you the most in life, and how? Gabie. My whole saga with her was just a series of broken promises and commitment that was never there to begin with. I’m well over it now, but it’s not a period I’d want to keep revisiting on surveys.

How often do you floss? Like once a week.

Do you do dishes by hand or have a dishwasher? By hand. I’ve never even seen a dishwasher.

When's the last time you cleaned the inside of your oven? I’m not sure, my mom would be in charge of that.

Is cottage cheese delicious or disgusting? I’ve actually never tried it, come to think about it. I’m open to trying it, though.

What are some things that you purchase in bulk? In our household, tissue paper.

How kinky are you? When it comes to reading fanfic I can be pretty welcoming when it comes to kinks, but I don’t translate it to real life. If I had to rate myself I’d probs give myself like a 6.

Which of your five senses do you think is the strongest? Why? Maybe hearing. I can spot sounds pretty easily and quickly.

Could you get away with murder? No, I’m a terrible liar when it comes down to it.

#survey #surveys

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quirkzone · 4 years

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vigilantes & the bnha-verse

cw: in-depth discussion of death and mourning

maybe I’m reading too much into things (not unheard of for me) or am very late to this idea (wouldn’t be the first time) but I feel like the way Shirakumo’s death is portrayed in Vigilantes is really significant.

It takes all of one panel for him to be gone. Just like that. And I think it’s like that for a reason. I’ll get into it under the cut. (it’s also kinda long;; )

Shirakumo is obviously a significant figure in Aizawa and Yamada’s past. He’s in a majority of pages/panels throughout the backstory flashback of Vigilantes. So why then is his death so sudden? And so...simple.

The majority of character deaths in BNHA are mid-battle deaths. There’s a causer of death in each scenario. Be it villain or hero.

Shirakumo was hit by rubble. While saving a group of schoolkids.

Yeah, the rubble was caused by a villain but the building wasn’t destroyed with the intent to kill Shirakumo.

Not really, anyway. Revelations from the BNHA main canon notwithstanding, the intent was not for Shirakumo regardless of any other plans by AFO and the doctor.

That’s it. Sudden. Unintentional. Heartrendingly accidental.

Not to mention that Aizawa has all of half a page to be worried and afraid and shocked before he has to fight a massive, powerful villain by himself because he’s the only one left standing.

It’s easy to forget that characters in BNHA are mortal. Battle arcs and massive fights are a core concept to the story-line (it’s shounen, of course they are). But it’s easy to forget that a majority of these characters are not only not immortal but are also 15/16 y/o kids.

Aizawa was a second-year when he was in the field, fighting alongside a pro hero, and fighting real villains. He was 16 when one of his best friends died right in front of him.

So what’s the point? Why am I talking about this?

Because Shirakumo’s death stands out. It’s noticeably brief. And I think it’s meant to highlight the true fragility of life in the BNHA-verse. There’s no healing quirks or plot armor or anything for Shirakumo. It’s just over. Instantly. Accidentally.

And it brings out just how easy it is for people to die in this world. How often it probably does happen in this world. That it seems to be commonplace even.

These two are mourning a massive loss right after it happened and much of the scene is already cleared. Empty. There are no adults around to help them or comfort them or do anything. They’re alone in this loss. They stand in the rain, alone, mourning a death that they’ve barely had time to process.

I think that the blase attitude toward death int he BNHA-verse (especially from adults) is best illustrated by how little time Yamada and Aizawa are given to mourn. And how quickly they’re expected to bounce back after a major loss.

We get a timeskip to their third year and they’re apparently expected to be okay and normal already.

Words like “complacent” are very telling here. The system as a whole expects for death to be something students can roll off their shoulders, something that doesn’t impact them significantly, even a major death. They don’t notice the signs that something has fundamentally shifted for Aizawa at this point.

It did not escape my notice that no discussion of Yamada’s mental health/condition is had here either. Maybe because he plays it off well, or that him acting completely normal is what they want to see, so they don’t question why he isn’t acting affected the way Aizawa is. Either way.

They talk about this complacency but don’t think about how often he clearly practices by himself. How his focus as a hero has changed, how he as a person has changed in the wake of this loss.

They say things like “that tragic incident last year” and “I realize you’ve been through a lot, but” with little thought to the weight of those words. You can’t just stick a ‘but’ after talking about a life-changing loss and expect for that to cut it. You can’t expect for a person (a 16 year old) to go through a “tragic incident” and come out acting the same. You just can’t. But they do.

This page. This is the one that gets me the most. This is the panel that sinks the heaviest in my gut.

This is the truth behind the facade Yamada and Aizawa had to put up after Shirakumo’s death.

People talk about complacency and what is and is not the right approach to mourning. They pointedly don’t talk about Yamada, or how he is. They don’t think about it because he acts the same as before. Because he’s fine, he’s tough, he took the right approach, maybe.

But this page is the reality. This page is desperate. It’s raw. It’s Aizawa’s struggle and it’s Yamada’s quiet stillness. This is what Shirakumo’s death did. This is what this hero society did.

Shirakumo died in one panel.

And his death was a “tragic incident.” It’s barely even acknowledged by anyone else afterward. Death is an everyday occurrence in BNHA. Heroes-in-training, teenagers, are in legitimate danger all the time and any major loss that comes with that danger isn’t supposed to affect them. They’re supposed to be able to push through the pain and suffering and just be heroes. Go beyond, save people with a smile. They’re supposed to look death straight in the eye and act and not think about what a mistake will cost.

What an accident will cost.

I’ve seen discussions about hero society’s failings in terms of the treatment of kids, and I’ve seen people talk about how little regard is given to 15/16 y/os being put in the line of fire. (Hawks’ and Shigaraki’s backstories being major examples of adult failings that i’ve seen)

And I think Shirakumo’s death truly highlights just how dangerous this world is. Just how desensitized adults in this universe are to death and loss and pain. That they expect heroes-in-training to bounce back after facing it. That they expect normalcy, and for kids to know how to handle loss like that without some kind of intervention.

Shirakumo’s death, to me at least, is accidental and avoidable and brief on purpose. To show these things, to highlight the issues there.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe there’s a better interpretation out there. I have a lot of strong emotions about this arc so it’s possible I’m just reading into things or not thinking about other concepts or aspects of the story-line/universe but.. Either way. This is the way I interpreted it.

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hotspringfairy · 3 years

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I know you’ve probably already been asked this many times but how did you get started? I’m currently struggling on how to start because I’m 5’4 and about 318. It’s the heaviest I’ve been and I get discouraged that I’ll never be able to figure it out. I’m so happy for all you’ve accomplished and I hope someday I can inspire someone too, just like you’ve inspired me.

No, I don't get asked questions lol and I'm not convinced that this is even real, but I'm going to answer it anyways because it's a very nice question either way.

First I'd like to say that I'm still figuring out my path and I've lost and regained lots of weight over my life. Things feel different this time, but only time will tell. Also, I've found that there is no one answer to losing weight, just what works for me personally. So take whatever I say with a grain of salt.

I didn't pick a diet or meal plan this time like I usually would. I decided that unlike before, I wasn't going to cut any foods out. For me, over-restriction leads to binging. I knew I needed to eat more vegetables and fruits and that I needed to eat out less.

At the time I liked to get the PB&J box from Starbucks as lunch. So I brought peanut butter, jelly, and bread into work and started making my own sandwiches. The boxes come with baby carrots and apple slices, so I'd have baby carrots or some celery and a piece of fruit too (apples and bananas cuz they're so convenient, grapes and berries too).

That's kinda how I started. It's not a perfect lunch, but it got me in the habit of making my own lunch instead of eating out and it was an upgrade. "Progress, not perfection" is practically my mantra. After that, I mimicked the chicken hummus box from Starbucks. I bought pre-cooked packaged chicken, hummus, pita bread, sugar snap peas, and red pepper strips.

Once I was in the habit of taking in lunches that I liked, I started figuring out better things I could have for breakfast. I focused in on really establishing a few habits at a time.

Before, I got way too caught up about optimizing my food. For example, I wouldn't eat apples or grapes because they are a higher-sugar fruit. I wouldn't eat apples. Apples. I'm doing much better by not worrying so much about sugar, hormones, eating "clean," etc. It doesn't need to be that complicated. Losing weight is hard and takes effort, but it doesn't mean you have to suffer and it doesn't mean you need to optimize everything. Just do better. Progress, not perfection.

The next big thing is that I started counting my calories. This isn't for everyone, but it's really helped me. It's rather tedious, but it gets easier and I've learned so much. I've also realized that I couldn't just eat like a 150 lb person when I was 250 and just hope my body would catch up- that doesn't work. I had to eat like a 240 lb person until I was that weight, then start eating like a 235 lb person and so on. It's been so helpful to me to lower my calories more slowly rather than go balls-to-the-walls on some low-calorie diet that was never meant for someone trying to lose 100+ pounds. I can do those and lose weight, but it always comes back.

I aim to eat foods that fit in my calorie range but also fill me up (low-calorie-dense foods). I try to include a serving or 2 of vegetables at most meals, a serving of protein, and some healthy fats. I also aim to eat 2 or more servings of fruit a day. I try to focus on what I'm adding to my diet and not what I'm taking away.

I also eat out still (especially chicken strips which used to be a trigger food for me). I eat chocolate pretty much everyday. I have lots of days where I go over on my calories and I always will. I don't feel like I've "fallen off the wagon" now though, even when I overeat or eat "unhealthy," because doing that occasionally is normal and ok- it's all part of my "diet." Honestly, the cliche of not going on a diet but making real lifestyle changes that are sustainable is key.

The last thing is that I've been working on my mental health. I was actually addressing this outside of weightloss, but realized how tied together the 2 really are. It's a sad reality that many people who struggle with their weight have had some sort of trauma- especially of the sexual nature. I've been working on processing my trauma. I've realized that I use food to: numb my feelings, escape, comfort myself, to feel better temporarily. I'm still working on that. I've found other ways to comfort myself besides with food, but the other ones I'm still working on.

My fat is also a defense mechanism- it protects me physically and socially. It's hard to let go of that protection. I think it's important to reflect on the potential anxiety and discomfort that losing weight can bring.

I hope you don't mind this super-long answer, I actually tried to keep it short- I have a lot more to say. It's odd to hear that I've inspired someone when I'm still struggling so much, but thank you for saying so. I constantly worry that I don't have it figured out, but I just keep going anyways.

I wish you well and I know you can do this! I'd love to hear how you're doing!

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neopoint · 3 years

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im gonna do some am hours rambling for a bit im sorry. its absolutely absurd to me that i haven’t been able to have a normal social life and see people every day for almost a year now. now that i moved away i can rationalize it as me being out of country but even before that the pandemic has prevented me from seeing so many people in ages that were like... big parts of my life when i was seeing them on the regular or at least more often. i’ve also reached the point of of weight gain where i’d be too ashamed to see people who haven’t seen me in a while - truthfully, while i saw some of my closer friends before i left, there was some other people nearby who asked and who i definitely could have said bye to but i was too horribly dysmorphic and embarrassed to do so. i’m probably at the heaviest i’ve ever been and i’ve legitimately gained ~15 kilos since march. on one hand i don’t want to be hard on myself and i want to be kind to a body that’s been living through continuous stress and isolation (and a closed gym). on the other hand every time i look in the mirror i get... scared of how unfamiliar the person looking back is. i know worrying about weight just isn’t something that should matter but it does to me when i think about how others will perceive me for “letting myself go” so much and when i look at all my clothes that dont fit and i just feel like i dont deserve to have friends or any nice things until i can be “pretty” again. which is sad and i hate that i have those feelings!!!! but they are there and its just hhhhhh. i think ppl r asleep but just in case like if u read pls

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wispagold · 3 years

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For anon (and sorry everyone in case the readmore doesn't work, I'm on Tumblr mobile but if you blacklist long post this should disappear)

:readmore:

That's a really great question and definitely something I still internally struggle with on occasion but I'm far happier than I used to be with my body so hopefully I can give you some advice. If you wanna talk about this further, my DMs are open - having people who understand your journey is really important and I'm happy to support you (or anyone else) in that.

For me, a part of the weight loss definitely began as a self hatred thing. I stepped on the scale, hated the number, and thought 'I need to be better'. I've gone up and down with my weight for years, partly due to this feeling of inadequacy - I have a tendency to bury my head in the sand and eat my feelings, hoping it'll all somehow be fine the next day.

This time is definitely different. I plan my meals for the week each Sunday with my boyfriend, factoring in important aspects like 'how fun/easy will this be to cook', 'how filling will this be?', 'what can we add or substitute to make it healthier?'. That alone has altered my perspective - I'm eating better because I enjoy it, now. We have a cheat day each week, and sometimes I overindulge on days that aren't my cheat days, but remembering how much I enjoyed cooking the healthy meal brings me back without feeling any guilt or shame. Like yeah, that takeaway pizza was good and I'm glad I had it, but making chicken and rice tomorrow would give me such a sense of accomplishment, both that I've made a meal and that I've eaten something a bit more nutritional.

Same goes for exercise (which I can't do a lot of due to my disabilities). Honestly it was a struggle to make myself go for a weekly walk around the block, but having an excuse to put on my nice coat, experience and photograph my neighbourhood at different times of day, even feeling the wind and sun on my face - it was all incredible. I really feel like I've fallen in love with the world more than ever before, to the point where the weight loss (though important to me) is almost a by-product.

Making daily life less of a chore and injecting elements of fun, no matter how small, can be massive in boosting your mood. I don't shed weight every walk I go on, but I enjoy myself. I don't shed weight every time I dance around the kitchen with Spotify on in the bg, but I enjoy myself. Ultimately, these changes can and probably will lead to some weight loss. Which is a nice bonus to how much fun I've had.

Another helpful thing is having a good support network. I'm in a few Fitbit forums for people losing weight and I've found it's been incredible for my mental state. Everyone is at a different starting weight, with a different end goal, and a different daily goal they try to reach each day. People post about losses, gains, times they've eaten more food than planned/stopped exercising for a while/anything that could potentially contribute to weight gain, and the response is always support, never shame. My daily goal for steps is absolutely tiny, and I take my weight goals in fairly small stages, but I'm still always applauded for whatever I do. Too tired to exercise? That's alright, your body deserves rest. Ate a bunch of junk food? Well it's important to eat and you've achieved that. You know each day won't be this way so let yourself enjoy the days that are.

To this end, ensuring that any close family and friends understand what you want to get out of your weight loss journey is important. I don't find it helpful for someone else to go 'you shouldn't be eating (x)'. I'm responsible for my body, and sometimes I don't treat it in the healthiest way, but I'm taking care of myself a bit at a time. And any healthy meal I do opt for, any bit of exercise I do, is an achievement. That does *not* mean that unhealthy meals I choose equal a failing. One of my teachers once said this about exams, and I think it's kind of relevant (at least to me) - 'you aren't starting at 100 and losing points every time you get a question wrong. You start at 0, and every bit of knowledge you add, every bit of theory you throw at the page, you're improving your grade.'

Lastly, I wanna mention how I feel in my body and how I'm aware my weight affects it. I know it's a lot of weight on my already weak ankles and knees, because I feel it. I sweat more (granted, mostly due to the medication I'm on, but the fat does not help', it's harder to get up from chairs, my lung capacity is much smaller than other people, and so on. Knowing that when I make these small changes, I'm potentially improving the physical issues I have, as opposed to the cosmetic flaws I may feel I have, is a great feeling. This definitely isn't relevant to everybody who weighs a lot, but I thought I'd throw it in in case its another avenue to explore.

Sorry this was so long. I've thought a lot about how to answer this in the most helpful way and I hope I've succeeded, at least a little. My DMs and ask box are always open so feel free to drop by, and good luck with your journey of self acceptance. Your body is amazing at any size, truly - it's the thing that carries you where you want to go, lets you hug your loved ones, allows you to see the world. It will always be a gift, even at its heaviest. 💕

#anonymous #long post #weight loss

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liloelsagranger · 4 years

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One night in December ( # rocketshipping oneshot) - Merry Christmas to my #rocketshipping family

Hey my dear friends, this is my Christmas gift for you. Thanks for your support, love you! #rocketshipping ahead. To @ndbern-rocketmonsters @ndbernarts @jessicarocket @estrelarabyss @prepareforetrouble @masterstarpikachu @tothestarsabove @teamrocketfanart @thelovelyjessie @webelieveinlovepower @chaosandhope @james-team-rocket @danadiversity @krazy-holly @keksrocket @harmonyrocketeeveon @pok3ship @yesjanii @thecomputergirl @elysiiandream @fugly-chan @batfamfan1 @ghostkitty @pikamofo @eclipsing-dreams @abatwc @emily1037 @texansman20 @inuyashaeienni @zayphantomslayer @cat-0301 @james-kojiro-team-rocket @stjarnflicka @diehardrocketshipper @eclipsing-dreams and everyone else <3

One night in December

Completely lost in thought, I sat at the bar and watched the singing Meowth on stage. Just like every night. Ever since I got kicked out of the college for future nurses. The talented cat-Pokémon who would work for peanuts held up a mirror of grief, depression and despair to me. « I feel sorry for you, Jessie » he would say while he struck up the next blues song. I cheered him and took a generous sip of the beer in front of me. I tried to let the malty taste of beer melt on my tongue and recover from the strains of the last days. What more could I do with my life? I was a loser, a good-for-nothing, not even capable of learning simplest medical terms and techniques. Why did I even waste another thought on a life in uniform, surrounded by illness and suffering? Because I wanted to help. Because I wanted to prove to the world out there that I had what it takes to make something of myself! I’m not just a hopeless orphan! I’m strong, beautiful and deserve a chance ! I want to decide freely about my life, but fate treated me unkindly. Used by the state, screwed over by men, my life story. I took another big sip, trying to avoid the prying eyes of a young man sitting next to me. He looked quite passable with his lavender locks and the piercing emerald green eyes, but my past has taught me to be careful. He could be just another guy who gives me a hard time, even though he looked anything but dangerous. In fact, he looked as devastated as me. A shy smile flitted across his face.

« Hey, do you need that bottle cap ? » he asked, pointing at the metal seal on the bar counter. I cocked an eyebrow. That was by far the lamest pick-up line I’ve every heard. Nevertheless, he had earned my attention with this question. «Help yourself » I replied. His eyes flashed for a brief moment as he examined the bottle cap. « A really rare find, thank you » he grinned and stowed his precious treasure in his pocket. How pathetic! How miserable must a person be when he feels joy for a bottle cap ? This man became more and more interesting. Judging by his looks, women hat to lie at his feet. Yet here he sits, all alone, collecting garbage. «My name is James» he introduced himself. «Jessie» we shook hands. «Tell me, Jessie. What brings you to this dump so close to Christmas? Isn’t your family waiting for you? A loving family that appreciates you and cares for you ? Who gives you freedom to develop and takes your dreams seriously ? » I felt a deep sadness. What he told me only existed in fairy tales, a picture-book family is nothing more than a fraud. « Family’s overrated, James » I said, « besides, I really like that singing Meowth» we both laughed.

« Can I get you something to drink ? » James pulled out his wallet. A lot of green bills jumped out at me. ‘Great, a stuck-up aristocrat. A rich, spoiled mama’s boy. That’s all I needed’ I was about to get up and crawl into another corner of the bar, but he held me back. «Please, don’t go! It’s not what it looks like. I’m not a pompous schmuck! To be honest, I’m on the run from this, » he pointed at his money. « Who would voluntarily run away from so much money?» I sat back on my seat waiting for his answer. «Money isn’t everything, Jessie. Not if it means losing your dignity and your will to make free choices » he explained. Then suddenly I realized this man got into trouble and he was seriously trying to escape from it. «Money is all well and good, but if it determines your whole life, you learn to hate it». I couldn’t figure it out at the time.

For a few minutes we sat next to each other in silence while listening to the cat’s singing.£«Would you like to dance?» James reached for my hand an lead me to the dance floor. It was very busy in the bar, people were busting on the floor, so for better or worse we were forced to move closer. I inhaled his tart sent. Although we had known each other for a little over an hour, a certainty unknown to me emanated from him. He was the type of man you would share everything with and who you could trust. He was decent, he laid his hands very carefully on my hips, fearing that he might break me otherwise. «What do you do during the day, Jessie?» he asked. It was incredibly loud on the dance floor, I almost had to shout my answer. « I actually wanted to be a nurse. Unfortunately, that dream has been shattered» disappointed, I let my head down. James lifted my chin and smiled at me. «Don’t give up, Princess ! You’re going to be great, I’m sure of it » his words were so motivating, making the corners of my mouth twitch. It’s been a long time since anyone gave me hope. It was good to hear that encouragment from James. « As a girl, I always wanted to be famous, a real star » I whispered. James looked at me with the kindest eyes. « There she is!»

«What about you?» I wanted to know. He made me twirl around. I wrapped my arms around his neck. « No one has ever asked me that before. I want to be free and my biggest wish is to become a Pokéringer» I could see James was having a hard time answering that question. Could I dare? What did I have to lose? I had no family, no home, no job, no boyfriend. «Then let us explore freedom together! With your pocket money we can travel, discover the world, feast and fall in love», romantic nostalgia was flaring up inside of me. It was time for a fresh start, and with James, I would take it. It seemed to me that he was not completely averse to the idea, but then the slap in the face. «It’s not that simple, Jessie. My life is predetermined. I can’t make decisions of my own free will. Tomorrow I’m a prisoner again. I’ll be married by force, so my parents can maintain their image. Everything’s settled, everything’s in order. I’m so sorry » he sighed. How could I be so naive and dream of a happy life? Each time, I was denied it! «Then this is where we parted ways again, James. After all, you were honest with me from the beginning. Farewell!» I didn’t turn around anymore, grabbed my coat, pushed the door open and ran out onto the snowy streets. Thickly wrapped, I strolled through the deserted alleys, only hearing the snow trickling softly. «It always comes down to just me», I rebuked myself for being so naive that I really would have given James a chance. I couldn’t get him out of my mind. So courteous and polite, if a little pathetic and shy. Would it had been funny ? Would we have supported each other? Would he have accompanied me on the road to fame ? Would I have cheered him on when he played for victory high up in the skies ? Questions upon questions, the answers to which I would never know.

« Jessie ! » I could hear a faint voice in the distance, probably fate laughing at me. « Jessie ! » There it was again. It approached with heavy steps. I turned around facing James. He was completely out of breath, his cheeks turning red from the cold. «Jessie» he grabbed my hands. «Forget the money, forget the weight on my shoulders. Ever since I spotted you in that bar today, I can’t think about anything else. You’re so different from the women I know. You’re determined, beautiful and talented. I know you’ve got big plans and I want to be with you every step of the way. We can both buy ourselves free from the shackles of society. We can do our own thing, become an unbeatable team. Jessie», he pulled me closer, so close I could feel his breath on my face. « Let’s be free. Let’s dream again, » he proposed. At first I was speechless and completely taken by surprise. We did not know if it would go wrong, but it was worth a try. I nodded. James smiled as if the heaviest burden had fallen off him. He cupped my face and pressed his lips on mine. I had never experienced such an intense kiss. It wasn’t just a kiss, it was a promise. Only the night was our witness. Our lips parted and we looked at each other in silence for a long time. «Yous two can count me in» a familiar voice broke the silence. Meowth tugged at my sleeve. We bent down to him and held each other in our arms. Our little free family.

THE END

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danyelcarol · 4 years

Text

TW: eating disorder, binge eating, starvation, negative self talk, negative body image, self harm.

Right, let's talk about eating and weight. I am currently at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been and I was feeling okay-ish about it. I mean, I wasn’t over the moon when I saw the number on the scales, but I still accepted my body for the amazing machine it is and still knew I was beautiful, regardless of the number staring back at me.

That is, until a medical professional here in the hospital spoke to me about it. I’ve gone into more detail on a previous post, but essentially, I asked to see him regarding medication for chronic back pain, instead he chose to lecture me for a solid 15-20 minutes regarding my weight and how I need to lose weight, look into weight loss surgery, etc.

This triggered the FUCK out of me. I was bullied all through high school because of my weight. And I was active af during high school. I played basketball, netball, volleyball, was involved with the Surf Life Saving Club and also was a part of the sport excellence program at school for basketball. It ended up with me playing sport or training for sport 6 days a week. I was active, I was fit and healthy, but I’ve just always been a bigger girl. Obviously once I stopped playing all the sport as I got older, I put on more weight now than ever, but throughout high school, I was a fit, active, plus size girl.

Looking at my family on both paternal and maternal sides, my body is just genetically wired to be bigger. All the women in my family are thicc. Not all are overweight, we’re just “big boned” as my Grandmother would say. And I don’’t look at the women in my family and go “OMG, you’re so ugly and overweight”. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I think each and every woman in my family is absolutely beautiful and I certainly don’t believe that their worth is defined by their weight. Yet why do I think differently when it comes to myself?

As I mentioned, I was bullied horrendously throughout high school. I was called fat, fatty, whale, dugong. I was moo-ed at. I was oink-ed at. You name it, I’ve heard it. It doesn’t help that also at the time it was the “in thing” to be exceedingly thin. And my body type never fit the social norms. I’ve always been bigger, I naturally have large breasts, small waist and big hips. But the thing is, once you hear something often enough, you start to believe it.

I started to believe the things they were calling me. That I was fat, ugly, lazy, etc. What’s rocked me the most this week is that deep down, I still believe those things. I still believe that I’m gross, disgusting and fat. That I’m ugly and not worth loving. Those things are deeply ingrained in my mind as solid beliefs.

And that’s why having the MO be so unprofessional has triggered me so badly. It’s taken me back to being in high school being picked on and made fun of because of how I look. Since Friday night, I’ve barely been able to eat. The thought of food makes me physically nauseous. If I do manage to eat, like tonight, I end up forcing myself to throw it back up.

I associate shame and guilt about my weight and body with food intake. If I eat, that means I’ll put on weight, and so I can’t eat. If I do eat, because that’s what our body’s need to survive, then I have to throw up as much as I can afterwards, because I feel so ashamed of the fact that I’ve shoved food into my fat mouth.

Even with all of that though, do you want to know what the most frustrating thing is? The fact that I’m self aware. Being mentally ill and self aware is probably the most frustrating thing to have to deal with. I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see, wanting to literally slice the fat off my body. And then on the other hand, I know that my beauty isn’t defined by my weight. My worth isn’t defined by what I look like. Yet I feel worthless and unloveable.

I advocate for body positivity and accepting and loving your body, yet I can’t even do it for myself. I advocate for a woman’s worth being defined by her and not her physical being, and yet I don’t fully believe the same thing for myself.

I saw the dietician here at the hospital today and she’s given me the option of having meal replacement shakes instead of meals, as she just wants something going into my body, anything. I agreed, because liquids don’t seem to be an issue for me. But the more we spoke about it, the more nauseous I started to feel. After our appointment, I came back to my room and threw up. There was nothing of substance in my stomach, so I threw up stomach acid and bile. Lovely.

I just don’t know how to move past this. I know I can fake it. Post a photo to my instagram of me smiling with a caption that reads “my body, my rules”. But it’d be a lie. I don’t feel in control of my body, or even my mind half the time. I feel like someone/thing else is in control. Making me go through the motions of daily life. Smile at this person, laugh at that joke. When in reality, all I want to do is curl up in a ball in bed and never get up again.

I guess all I’m trying to say is that loving yourself is hard and I’m really, really struggling with it at the moment. I don’t like myself. I don’t like my body. I feel worthless, shame, guilt. I’m not okay at the moment. And I’m so tired and over not being okay. I just want to be well. I want a “healthy” mind. Whatever that may look like.

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professorspork · 5 years

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Can you talk a little more about why you found Endgame devastating in a bad way and not a good way?

I sure can! I can talk a lot more, in fact! I’m going to put this under a cut because Ihave a feeling it’s going to get Quite Long (ETA: it is, this is 6k words I amso sorry) so if anyone just wants the tl;dr version, I recommend GaviaBaker-Whitelaw’s excellent article ‘How the straight agenda ruined Avengers:Endgame.’

If you want my own personal take, well. Enter at your ownrisk, here be monsters, etc:

First of all, the very short answer to your question: Itagged this photo as emblematic of all the ways Endgame was “devastating in thebad way and not in the good way” because, if I’m being really honest, Steve and Natbeing queerplatonic life partners (who maybe occasionally fuck but mostly don’t)was my absolute favorite thing about the MCU. (Yes, despite all the words thatfollow hereon about Bucky, I stand by Steve&Nat being my Absolute Favorite,because it was entirely about what was onscreen and nothing about the fanon thatfollowed.) And now it’s Gone and not only is it Gone it was Taken From Me, andI’m salty.

The much longer answer:

What’s maddening is that I honestly loved the vast, vastmajority of Endgame. I adored, like, 92% of it!! It’s just that the remaining8% is the part that’s a) most relevant to character arcs and b) permanent,which leaves me at a bit of an impasse. It’s hard to remember my delight overthe way Natasha laid down haphazardly over old take-out containers whilebrainstorming at her peak adorableness when she’s, y’know, dead. (Which isn’teven my biggest issue!)

I’m going to break it out by character, from most toleast irksome to me so we get the heaviest stuff out of the way and then by theend I’m just shouting on my lawn going “AND ANOTHER THING.” I’m also not goingto go into The Thor Thing, because I think everyone worth talking to is inagreement about that being fatphobic and offensive.

Okay, here we go:

STEVE

I fucking hate that Steve went back in time to marryPeggy. AND I LOVE PEGGY AND I LOVE STEVE/PEGGY SO I’M SO MAD THIS IS WHERE I’VEBEEN LEFT. I have tried to make my peace with it, I have failed, and I amhonestly not used to being this mad at a fictional character. I know it’suseless to hold it against him—something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately isthat argument some fans make about like “why are you slutshaming X characterfor wearing skimpy armor, she just feels most empowered riding into battle withnothing but a strip of leather over her tits” when like, the characterdid not make this choice, the writers made it be that way—but unlike, say,the characterization of Steve in Age of Ultron, which I can happily disregard becauseJoss hates Steve, Markus, McFeely, Russo & Russo have been the architectsof everything I love about Steve. It’s straight from the source! And soI… I’m taking it personally, though I know I shouldn’t. I feel like Steve turnedhis back on me and left me behind.

Well. Me and Bucky Barnes.

It’s probably no secret if you follow this blog that I’ma big Stucky girl. I have admitted it’s one of my top three ships of all time;my steve and bucky tag is 21 damn pages long. But I promise, I PROMISE, thisisn’t even about that. Regardless of whether or not you think these two are orever were in romantic love with each other, their best friendship is one of themost important and indelible parts of the MCU.

Steve’s emotional arc over the last several movies hasrevolved around his intense obsession with all things Bucky. He bailedon his concert tour, defied orders and became Cap-in-combat to save Bucky in1944. He tore down SHIELD, HYDRA and the whole world for Bucky when he foundout he was alive. He became a war criminal on the slightest chance he couldprove Bucky’s innocence! And then, when they were finally reunited, finally foronce on the same page at the same time, Bucky was taken in the Snap. And so,like. It seems a bit WEIRD to me that Steve’s heartbreak over the Snap isframed as a Peggy thing (see: him looking at the Peggy compass before their first act attack on Thanos; his talking exclusively about Peggyin the Snap support group he runs WITH GAY MEN) when Peggy died a natural deathafter a long life in Civil War and not, y’know, Bucky, his oldest, mostintimate relationship-haver, or even Sam, his best friend. It seems a bit ODDto me that we see dozens of cute, short reunions and meetings in the finalbattle with 2014 Thanos—known Extremely Important Relationships Tony/Dr. Strangeand Peter/Carol are given significant on screen exchanges—but we don’t seeSteve and Bucky reunite with one another. It feels a bit CONSPICUOUS to me thatSteve does not tell Bucky what he plans to do when he goes to take the stonesback, full on SUSPICIOUS to me that the two don’t say boo shit to each other—can’teven stand in the same group together when Steve comes back from histime vacation—and outright UNBELIEVABLE to me that Steve Rogers would choose tolive seventy years of his life without Bucky Barnes.

I just don’t buy it.

I don’t buy that after four movies of you telling me itisn’t the case, Steve Rogers’ happy ending doesn’t include Bucky. (Andwe’ll touch on the whole idea of what it means to have a “happy ending” in abit.)

It feels like a deliberate side-step. It feels like thecreative team tried and failed to come up with anything approaching a normal,just-two-bros reunion scene for them and with the weight of their past intimacyeverything they wrote came off as a marriage proposal so they scrapped itentirely. It’s insulting. Not on a “my ship didn’t go canon” level—I never in amillion years expected Steve and Bucky to ‘get together’ in any concrete sense,I wouldn’t even have known what to do with it if I got it, I never wanted that.All I wanted was for the text to honor the affection, the bond between thesetwo just as much as it did in any of the other movies. One of the best featuresof the MCU is its consistency when it comes to character detail andrelationship nuance. So how on earth (I know how, we all know how) did theydrop the ball on what is literally their flagship friendship?

But it’s not just that Steve goes back in time withoutBucky, or without saying a word to him about it. It’s that Steve goes back intime and then, apparently, does absolutely nothing for seventy years, includingsaving Bucky.

The time travel rules in Endgame are… unique. They areunprecedented. And it’s easy to tell that’s true, because not once have thedifferent members of the creative team been able to give a consistent answer onwhy or how it works in interviews after the fact. So like. I accept that mytake on this may not be the “canon” take, and until we get a post-Endgame moviethat addresses these things there IS no canon take. Regardless of what their “thisisn’t Back to the Future” rules means about whether or not changing the pastmeans changing the future, in the future all of these characters lived Buckywas on ice/doing murders until the events of Winter Soldier, also in which theworld learned SHIELD was HYDRA. The Russos think Steve created his own branchreality when he went back in time, and the question is then how he got back toour world to hand off the shield; Markus and McFeely don’t think that’s true;they think Steve lived concurrently to his own regular timeline and was always Peggy’s husband. YOU WOULD THINK THEY’D HAVE REACHED AGREEMENT ON THIS EITHER WAY BEFORE THIS POINT, BUT I DIGRESS. This meansthat either a) M&M are right and Steve went back in time and neither toldhis new wife Peggy “hey honey, you know that startup you’ve got going withHoward, maybe don’t invite Arnim Zola unless you want your entire legacy to beNazis,” nor did he save Bucky when he knew he was somewhere in Eastern Europebeing fucking tortured and brainwashed. He didn’t stop Howard and Maria fromgetting in the car. There’s a lot of joke tweets about how Captain America just“let 9/11 happen” and like—it’s a joke but it’s also NOT A JOKE--- orrrrrr b) theRussos are right and maybe Steve did all of those things in a branch reality,which they felt no need to mention when they were wrapping up the emotionalstoryline for their marquee character, which is lazy at best and kind ofunforgivable at worst. Even in the Best Version of Events, where not only arethe Russos are right and Steve went back in a splinter timeline, but in thatsplinter timeline Steve co-founded a Nazi-less SHIELD with Peggy and theyfought crime Hart to Hart style, saved Bucky, stopped the Vietnam War fromhappening and cured AIDS, it still means Peggy no longer did everything she didon her own, fighting and clawing for it like a honey badger. And should shehave had to? No, of course not. But is it her defining trait and greatestaccomplishment that she did? YES! This matters to me! Erasing it without givingher a say matters to me!

And the fact that all of this is in doubt is BONKERS. Iwould feel less weird about if they didn’t leave all of it unsaid! If they’dincluded a scene with Bucky before Steve went back where Bucky just went “Steve,listen. I know what you’re thinking, and you can’t save me, okay? It wouldbreak the time continuum or something. Now go be a reckless idiot like I knowyou’re gonna and say hi to Carter for me” it would at least feel like theycared the slightest bit. Hell, if they gave Peggy ANY LINES AT ALL it wouldfeel a heck of a lot more like the reuniting of two characters I love and lesslike a mortifying hetcon where Steve erases all of Peggy’s professionalaccomplishments and canon husband and other family just to have hisfairytale happy ending with a voiceless woman-shaped smilebot.

Do you have any idea how much I would have cried if we’dgotten a scene were Steve showed up at the Stork Club in time for his dance?Peggy doesn’t even need to have A LOT of lines (though she should!) A tearysmirk and a “you’re late” reprise would have gone so far! (Especially if they’dhad a final, heart-wrenching goodbye for closure and then he’d returned to thefuture, giving us the best of both worlds, but what do I know.) But no, EdwinJarvis gets a line in this movie and Peggy doesn’t. She has no say in the endof her story—it’s a decision that’s made at her. She’s a bit player inher own life. Steve isn’t reunited with Peggy, he gets a dance with the idea ofPeggy. But like. The real Peggy is brash and terrible at emotional honesty! Shewould be a nightmare to be married to! So is Steve! That’s why I love them,they’re awful! And it just feels like all of that was erased in a moment infavor of a vision of unsustainable hetero bliss.

(Honestly, the way I make peace with this is by thinkingthat after maybe six months with Peggy they were both like “oh godwhat were we thinking, this is never going to work” and broke up, and thereason Steve didn’t tell Sam his wife’s name is that it wasn’t Peggy andhe’s too embarrassed to say so.)

And like. I’m trying not to feel like an awfulbitch/bitter old crone about it, because the thing I keep circling back to inconversation with others is them saying “can’t you at least be happy for himthat he’s at peace? Don’t you think he deserves to rest? After everything he’s done,shouldn’t Steve get a chance to be happy?”

Listen. Do I think Steve deserves a chance athappiness? Yes. Do I think Steve Rogers actually has the capacity forsustainable, long term happiness? … Honestly, no. That’s one of the reasons Ilove him.

Steve is miserable. His life is hard, he’s got PTSD, hehas trouble adjusting even in the best of circumstances. But he’s a fighter.And the reason I admire(d) him so much is that no matter what life threw athim, he was relentless in his forward momentum. He had to go on, he had to keepstanding up for others. He didn’t know how not to. Does this mean he needs ashit ton of therapy? Yes, it does—and the therapy is better in the future, Imight add! But like. As much as the creative team keeps going on about howtheir overall arcs were “Tony needed to learn to be more selfless, like Steve,and Steve needed to learn to be more selfish, like Tony” I think there’s adifference between learning to grasp happiness with both hands in the unlikely,miraculous event it comes your way, because it’s brief and shining and worthcelebrating, even though it comes with heartbreak, and just… noping out of yourlife and ignoring your problems for seven decades while everyone else worriesabout it. I’ve never seen Steve sit still and keep himself out of trouble forseven minutes—now I’m supposed to believe he managed it for seventy years? Hewas Peggy’s weird secret attic husband no one knew about? I respected him,loved him, and identified with him—I felt represented by him—because not onlydid he have to fight for every scrap of happiness he’s ever had, he felt likethere was honor in that fight. That’s why Mjolnir declared him Worthy!! And forhim to then lay down his responsibility and NOT FIGHT for 70 years momentsafter being given that distinction… it stings.

I appreciate my happy endings when they’re hard-won. Thatoften means they’re bittersweet. And if Steve’s ending were framed that way—yes,he got back his Era and he got the girl, but he lost his best friend, his foundfamily, and any determinedly-etched-out balance—I might be more okay with it.But it’s presented as the uncomplicated ride off into the sunset he deserved,and… I don’t want my stories uncomplicated. Steve Rogers is not anuncomplicated man. I know a lot of this is YMMV and I’m maybe a bit more darkin my tastes than others, here—hell, I think it’s cheap that the Elrics got alltheir flesh back AND Mustang got back his sight in FMA:B, that feels like toohappy an ending for me—but telling me that what Steve’s really wanted allthis time was to have a house in the ‘burbs and chill doesn’t resonate. Steve’swhole thing since Day 1 was “how can I sit idly by while other men risk theirlives? I can’t stand that.”

It feels like a How I Met Your Mother ending. If Stevehad had the option to go back at the end of Avengers 1, I’d have bought itcompletely that he’d take it (both for character arc reasons and for “he didn’tknow Bucky was alive then” reasons). But he’s not that guy anymore. Yet itseems like they decided a long, long time ago that Steve was going to go backin time and get a do-over, and years of development, growth, moving on andbonding with other people be damned. Who cares if Steve got Bucky back, whocares if Steve got Sam back, who cares that he’d lived 13 years, his entireadult life, in the future? Nat’s dead, might as well go back to the other damewho liked him!

And. And here’s the thing. If everything else were equalbut Bucky and Peggy’s roles were reversed—if Peggy fell from the train, and itwas Bucky who founded SHIELD with Howard; if Steve met Bucky again as adementia-ridden old man and Peggy were the Winter Soldier, if it were PeggySteve spent all these movies desperately trying to save and nurture—I feel likeeveryone else would find it REALLY WEIRD if Steve went back in time to do itall over again with Bucky! That’s not a question of romance, or gender. Not forme, who loves all of these characters equally. It’s a question of the emotionalarchitecture the story is built upon.

Historically, every decision Steve’s ever made in theentire time we’ve known him has been about Bucky. And for this ending to work,it requires us to either ignore that, or think this single-minded focus wasnever about Bucky at all—that it was instead a sublimated love where Buckybecame a signifier for Peggy or the past Steve lost, instead of a person in hisown right, the person Steve’s always chosen and who’s always chosen him, sincethey were kids. Til the end of the line. Asking me to believe that is a)horrible, and cruel, and frankly homophobic and b) simply untenable—I don’t thinkthat the plots of First Avenger, Winter Soldier or Civil War stand up to thatreading.

And even in the kindest reading of all of this—that Stevedeserves to return to the time he was stolen from, because it’s his TrueTime and Peggy’s his True Love—then my god, doesn’t Bucky deserve that, too?Steve was an orphan with, after Bucky’s “death,” ONLY Peggy and I guess theHowlies to tie him to the world. Bucky has a family! He’s got sisters! Theythink he’s dead! If Steve deserves this, doesn’t Bucky, after everything he’sbeen through, deserve it too? If it applies to one of them, it applies to bothof them, doesn’t it? No matter which way you slice it? (For the record, if Stevehad taken Bucky back to the past with him I'd still be scratching my head aboutthe timeline bearing out—and I think it would make the Sam!Cap offer even morekind of paltry and afterthoughtish than it already is, Sam deserves FIREWORKSand A CROWD damn it, and it also deserves to be a decision not made AT him, seeabove—but at least I could be like “yeah, that's exactly the kind ofhilariously not-thought-out decision Steve would make, have fun kiddo.”)

But I guess Steve inviting Bucky on his Happy Ending Tourof the past would be too much like a fucking proposal so, uh, no, we don’t getthat.

NATASHA

Here is a top ten list, in no particular order, called “I’dbe fine with it, but.”

1. I’d be fine with it—Natasha is a hero, and she deservesa hero’s ending, she merits going out in a big swing to save the world—but she’sstill the Smurfette, man. It means something different to kill your only original female leadthis way than it does to kill a male character. It especially means that whenyou kill her in the exact same way you killed Gamora—THE OTHER SMURFETTE—onemovie previous. It feels cheap, and it feels callous. M&M&R&R havetalked a lot about the woman/women in the office who read a draft where Clintdied instead and said “DON’T YOU TAKE THIS AWAY FROM HER” but a) tbh I feellike maybe they were reading a different draft than was ultimately shot, thismovie evolved a lot over the years and b) when you’re the Token Girl, your storyis more than just yours. In a franchise of this scale, it’s just… it’s notequal yet. If the circumstances had been utterly different, if Nat haddied wielding the Infinity Gauntlet, at least it would be novel. And like—I amnot the kind of person who thinks standing against Bury Your Gays means no gayscan ever die or else, for example; sometimes a Good Death is warranted if it’swell-written enough—but again: it’s the “she feels empowered in that skimpysuit” thing. You didn’t HAVE to create a murder cliff that only exists forfemale characters to die for the men who love them. You made that choice. It’speak “why do we even have that lever?!”

2. I’d be fine with it—Natasha loves Clint, of course shewouldn’t let him die for her, not when he’s fighting to get back his family—butit would have made more sense for Clint to die as penance for all of the ninjamurders he did after losing his kids than for Nat to die because she can’t haveany. It feels like it privileges bio family over found family in a way that’skind of dismissive and gross, and it calls back to the mortifying line in Ageof Ultron were Nat referred to herself as a monster over her infertility. And theargument that Clint couldn’t die, there’s a Hawkeye Disney+ series falls flatwhen Nat has a MOVIE coming out and Vision also has a Disney+ series and yetis, as of this moment, still dead.

3. I’d be fine with it—Natasha loves Clint, of coursethey’d bicker over who would jump—but when the “dramatic” scene that precedes amajor character’s death resembles nothing so much as this comic, you’re doingit wrong. I shouldn’t be giggling over their antics right before someone fallsto their death.

4. I’d be fine with it—Nat did it for her family, whomshe loves—but her family didn’t even honor her back, and that’s bullshit. Tonygets a massive funeral and Nat gets nothing? I admit that what I trulywant for her—a long sequence of RENT-style “what Angel meant to me”testimonials—would have been a bit weird to include pacing-wise, even if I dothink if I asked Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner nicely over twitter they’dprobably improvise one for me anyway. But it didn’t have to be that. A singleshot in a montage would be enough. A shot of Clint, Laura, Fury, Steve, Sam, Okoye and Pepper doing a shot of vodka together and pouring one out for Nat would havebeen enough. Simple, elegant, gets the point across. It’s not hard!!!

5. I’d be fine with it—they needed to get the Soul Stone,for skimpy outfit reasons someone had to die, I get it—but then Steve has toput all the stones back to reverse the heist and stop the branch timelines fromcollapsing like The Ancient One warned about. How the fuck do you return theSoul Stone? And Steve could, wouldn’t that cosmically mean we get Nat back? Asoul for a soul, isn’t that the deal?

6. I’d be fine with it—I understand that playing the longgame and forcing yourself to fall in love with Red Skull so you cansacrifice him, though hilarious, is not actually a solution—but it just seemslike there are other ways to write around this moment. Nat and Clint have bothlost so much, sacrificed so much. That doesn’t count? This isn’t like Thanos,who’s never sacrificed a thing in his life. Nat’s given up so much for thecause; Clint lost his family. The Soul Stone couldn’t just sense that?Or—what if they’d jumped together? Full Rose and Jack, “you jump, I jump,right?” Refusing to be separated. What would the Soul Stone math be then? Ifeel like it would have been a cooler story to find out.

7. I’d be fine with it—ScarJo needed a way out of hercontract, after the Black Widow movie (which: how they’re going to make thatwork is a whole other rant I do not have time for here)—but killing Natasha inthe one irreversible way in a damn comic book franchise just feels soneedlessly final. If you’d said “after everything, after holding the Avengerstogether for five years with nothing but the force of her will and some peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, she’s tired and disillusioned with it and wants toroam the world for a while without the team, maybe fight some normal crime fora bit” and had her phased out quietly I would have understood! It would havebeen fine! Preferable, even!

8. I’d be fine with it—I don’t think it’s total bullshit whenM&M&R&R say that this was the end of her arc, she’d found herfamily and become a true hero—but the implication that death is the only way toend an arc is lazy and, in this case, hurtful. It comes off as “we couldn’tthink of anything else to do with her, so we killed her.” You can’t do betterthan that? Tony and Steve were gone. Natasha ran the Avengers, andpulled Nick Fury duty on top of it, for five years and death is the onlyend of her arc? Again, I know ScarJo’s contract is up, but that answer is justoffensive. In a perfect world, given the circumstances you’ve described the endof Nat’s arc would be continuing to lead the fucking Avengers.

9. I’d be fine with it—maybe all those office ladies wereright, maybe it would have felt pandering and sexist and deflating if Clint hadstolen Nat’s moment and died for her—but it’s kind of conspicuous that thereare only two female leads in this movie, Natasha and Nebula, and when both trulyexhibit their agency in their climactic moments, they choose to die. And Nebulakilling her past self to save Gamora is one of my favorite moments of the film!But god, there’s more to female agency than suicide, right?

10. I’d be fine with it—the way Steve cries when he findsout is gratifying and in-character—but Tony’s question of “Did she have anyfamily?” is fucking horrifying. You know she doesn’t, Tony, Jesus Christ.It was a sloppy, lazy setup just so Steve could say “Yeah. Us.” Which wasfucking unnecessary because we know that, that’s why she died for you. (Thecomedy reading, which is that Tony was implying she, like Clint, had a secretFarm Family is hilarious but, y’know. Not the right time.)

And speaking of the sir himself…

TONY

This one is a big case of “it’s not what you say, it’show you say it.” I didn’t expect Tony to get out of Endgame alive. (In fact, Ihad braced myself for a total party kill for the original six, which, if it hadbeen a TPK, I would have felt way better about it tbh. If they’d gone down one byone Rogue One style, at least the playing field would be even; that wouldremove a lot of the sting.) Tony’s the bedrock, he’s where we started, and ofcourse this would be the end of his road. He was going to go out big, he wasgoing to save the world. I knew that was the deal.

But they also gave him a little girl.

To my eyes, you can give Tony the ending he deserves—the endingwhere he and Pepper get to settle down, where he gets to be the father he neverhad, the one where he’s finally stable, finally at peace—or you can giveTony the Ending He Deserves—the one where he, the flagship, the starting pistolof the MCU, gets to vanquish Thanos saying “I am Iron Man.” Epic.

You… you lose me when you do both.

Here’s where I get my hackles up:

Were there any other outcomes you considered for Tony?

MARKUS No. Because we had the opportunity to give him theperfect retirement life, within the movie.

McFEELY He got that already.

MARKUS That’s the life he’s been striving for. Are he andPepper going to get together? Yes. They got married, they had a kid, it wasgreat. It’s a good death. It doesn’t feel like a tragedy. It feels like aheroic, finished life.

It is a fucking tragedy! Pepper is left alone with a fiveyear old girl! Pepper does not get a perfect, finished life. It’s a gross,reductive, alienating view of fatherhood, which is all the more starkly (punintended) contrasted when you compare him to Scott, a good dad whoactually gives a shit that he missed out on three years of Cassie’s lifein prison and then ANOTHER FIVE in the Quantum Realm. Honestly, this is whathappens when you don’t let women write these movies—the characterization formen suffers, too, not just women. Because it wasn’t even a factor to them.Like. They literally cut a scene from the movie where a vision of Morgan fromthe future absolved him of guilt for leaving his family behind. That’s… reallyawful, fellas. Surely you can see how awful that is?

I want to feel good about Tony’s death. I want to feelinspired. Part of me does. But god, that little girl. God, Pepper.

But then, it’s pretty much par for the course. Because it’sworth it to talk about

WOMEN

This isn’t about how the one “Girl Power” shot wasshallow fanservice instead of substantive representation, how it makes no sensein the plot of the moment, or how it’s a totally empty gesture unless they planon giving us an A-Force movie (though all of those things are true).

It’s about how this movie has a gender problem in whichthe vast, vast majority of female characters got to be “badass” by bucklingunder the will of their male counterparts—and those who didn’t mostly justweren’t in it enough for that to be true.

Peggy doesn’t get any lines; she is presented not as thestrong, capable individual we know her to be but as a storybook reward forSteve’s good behavior after all these years. She is a prop, not a person.

Pepper is, for the thousandth time, defined as strong andcapable because she’s able to withstand all of the crap Tony puts on her. Ilove Tony/Pepper, I think they’re the beating heart of the MCU, their screwballenergy left a positive and indelible mark on the MCU that redefined how loveinterests work (well, barring Betty Ross, I’m so sorry Betty your movie isawful and you deserved so much better). But like. Tony gives her a company whenhe doesn’t want it anymore, he gives her a suit even though he knows she’s notinterested, he talks her into having a child together and then he leaves herbehind. Pepper is like an amazing, super intense version of one of those cookswho up-cycles leftovers into new, amazing, even-better-than-the-originaldishes. But she shouldn’t have to be, and she deserves better.

The same goes for Valkyrie, who is literally handedthe crown of Asgard for no other reason than because she’s there. It’s notthat she’s not capable, it’s not that she doesn’t deserve it, and it’s not thatshe won’t do an amazing job, but again: it’s a decision made at her. Why isthis still happening? (See also: Sam!Cap, and another way that Sam is stillgetting the Love Interest treatment after all of these years).

Carol was underused, and utilized entirely as a Deus ExMachina instead of as a person with feelings every time she did show up. Whileshe has the raw power to back up that plot usage, aside from her little smirkand “hey, Peter Parker,” we got almost no humanity from her. It’s not like theMCU is bad at establishing loads and loads of nuance in just a few lines—the massivejuggernaut that is Clint/Coulson shipping was launched when they exchanged twosentences to each other!—so it doesn’t feel like a lot to ask that Carol bein the scenes she’s in. You know?

For the most part, I really love how they handled Gamoraand Nebula, but the fact that 2014 them were Super Team Thanos flies directlyin the face of where both of them were at the start of GotG—and for Gamora tochange her mind after learning that in the future, she and Nebula are trulysisters when it’s Nebula who always wanted that for them is… a littlereductive. This was Their Movie—five more minutes to really tease out thenuance here would have really gone a long way.

Plus there was that whole scene where Frigga was like “actuallyit’s fine if I die; I’m just glad you’re okay honey. I feel so empowered inthis skimpy outfit. It has to be this way!” If Nat didn’t die the way she did, this scene would read differently! But she did! So it doesn’t!

Okay. Okay. I’m sure I’ve forgotten things that botheredme, but I have to stop somewhere so it might as well be here. In fact, here’s alist of things I really liked, to remind us all that I did like this movie:

America’s ass! “I could do this all day”/“I know!” ThePB&J cut diagonal! Cooper’s baseball mitt! Tony and Nebula playing PaperFootball! Nebula and Rhodey being best friends / “he’s an idiot!” Clint and Natforehead touch! Nat lounging on the takeout containers! When Hope calls Steve ‘Cap’and Scott gives her a little Look about it! Instant Kill Mode! Bruce and TheAncient One talk metaphysics—and the fact that Bruce is what is astrallyprojected out of Hulk! The redo of the elevator scene being subverted with “HailHydra!” Tony and Howard! Rocket’s much-needed frank pep talk to Thor! Ding dongditching 1970 Hank because he deserves that and so much worse! Tony revisitinghis Age of Ultron mentality at his lowest—frankly, it made me buy it in a wayall of AoU didn’t! Nebula murdering who she used to be so she can becomesomething new (let the past die, kill it if you have to amirite?)! Theindulgent credits sequence with the original 6 and their autographs! Quill’sface when he saw 2014 Gamora! TIME HEIST AS A CONCEPT LBR. Everyone’s funeralfashion choices, some of which are patently Bonkers! Smart Hulk having to riphis shirt off and pretend to enjoy smashing to blend in in 2012! The whole tacosight gag outside the compound! I love you 3000! Scott reuniting with Cassieand saying “you’re so big” instead of “you’re so tall!” Steve being Worthy!Thor doing a self-Fastball Special by hitting Mjolnir with Stormbreaker! YIBAMBE!

I don’t think I have ever cried as hard as I didwhen Sam said “on your left” and all of the Snapped heroes came back in Strange’sportals. Desperate, sobbing, joyful, elated, transported, awe-filled GASPINGkind of crying. I could hardly breathe. I really freaked out the guy next tome, I’ll tell you that.

I’m upset because these movies are good. This movie isgood. It made me feel… I don’t think I can describe the acute, painful ecstasyof that moment as long as I live, when everyone I loved, everyone gone,returned and returned and returned. I’m tearing up just describing it to younow.

I say these things because I care. I say these thingsbecause I don’t want to stop caring, and when characters I love are written inways I cannot understand, that I cannot abide, I am removed from the equation.And I am the damn target audience for this fucking movie. What I think matters.And it matters that I say it.

If you actually made it this far, I am very impressedwith your fortitude, and I thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

#hoo boy #i do not want this in any tracked tags #not that those even work anymore #but here's some filler #and one more #okay #avengers endgame #endgame #mcu #avengers endgame spoilers #endgame spoilers #Anonymous

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avatarconner · 5 years

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What’s spider man’s greatest physical feat? While I was looking at stuff I saw.a pic of spidey ripping a building apart from underwater and him holding up a part of the bugle. So now I’m really curious.

Ok the underwater one is firing Origin of the Species IIRC, Spidey basically swims underwater to the supports of a on the water warehouse and pushes the supports apart and breaks them. That’s pretty impressive but keeping in mind that those supports are probably old as hell? It’s not one of his more extraordinary feats.

As for the subtle, he actually says in the page itself that he’s not holding up the building but a support pillar of the building on his back. Which may not sound as impressive, but actually is given how much weight he must be supporting on his back and then lifts up for a second as he wedges something in his place so the whole place doesn’t collapse. That’s from the return of the green goblin during the clone saga.

now as for the greatest physical feat, first one that jumps to mind is the classic rubble scene from the ‘if this be my destiny’ story. While we never know really how much it weighed, Spidey said that not even the hulk could lift that but given the time it was made as well as how strong hulk later becomes that’s clearly untrue, it’s safe to say that it’s one of the heaviest things he’s lifted.

In fact in AMSM 500 when he goes back to that scene he thinks of how impossible it seemed so it’s safe to say that it’s still a impressive feat. Plus the entire scene is great.

Aside from that? One of my personal favorites is from Assassin Nation and he lifts a tank....

...and smashes it in a way that would make the hulk proud.

In the same story he flips a train carriage with his finger, which at first I was unsure about but given how a non powered human is lifting it off the ground and there’s presumably nothing inside it I guess it’s possible.

Then around the time of the clone saga he lifts a entire subway carriage over his head.

Keep in mind that this is Spider-Man when he is well into adulthood for the most part.

I’ve always been of the mind that since peter gained his powers as a frail teenager, the more he both grew and excercised from his life as Spider-Man, the stronger he became. For reference, Ultimate Peter Parker isn’t as strong as his main 616 counterpart. He struggles to lift up a truck

Granted this peter has been gut shot at this point so he’s naturally. Not at 100% but this is one of his biggest feats.

However the biggest deciding factor to ALL of these is Peter’s willpower. It’s what makes the rubble scene so great, Peter CANT move the rubble, he’s physically unable to, but he WILLS himself to in order to save Aunt May’s life. Granted afterwards he’s seriously sore and dead tired but still that’s the true power of Spidey.

Spidey didn’t win this-

-fighting every single villain he faced one after another because of his strength, but the power of himself.

If you want cold hard numbers, when he was a teen he could lift 10-15 tons without any effort, then as an adult he can lift about 20 tons according to Marvel handbooks. As for the upper limits? It’s nebulous and they’ll never really say, but I think if it’s not something you could see him do? Then maybe make it really dire when his willpower is needed, and if that’s the only way then there you go. If it’s still unlikely then it’s too far.

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noshirtnoblouse · 5 years

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i’m about to head out for the night but i also have some feelings

so tonight i am wearing a body suit that normally i would never ever ever wear. and it’s only been within the last 3 months that i’ve even felt comfortable wearing a body suit in general. usually i would just wear a t-shirt or something baggy but idk i’ve been feeling body suits. and this is a big deal for me because body suits don’t hide anything of what i’m usually trying to hide. usually i’m trying to hide my stomach and my acne ridden chest and my arms but i’ve gotten to the age where no matter what i wear, no matter how i look, no matter how i dress, act or anything i am completely invisible to the opposite sex. fuck i didn’t even shave my armpits because it doesn’t matter.

the place i am going to will be a hot sticky club so i might as well wear something that is a little bit ventilated. i know i’m going to look fat, i know i’m going to feel sweaty and gross but at the same time why do i have to be restricted to wearing something i don’t feel like wearing? i feel like wearing a skimpy body suit. i’m tired of not feeling like i’m allowed to wear something because my body is not “allowed” to wear it.

at the same time, i do feel really gross because this is the heaviest i’ve ever been in my life and i continue to make bad health choices and eat bad foods that i know upset my stomach and make me gain weight. and i refuse to work out and i can feel myself getting shortness of breath when i walk fast or talk and walk at the same time. i need to something this isn’t okay. my hormones are not ok because my acne isn’t getting better, my hair is still falling out and i just don’t feel good at all.

and i’m in a weird place of “body acceptance” meets “i need to do something” but in the end “i love pasta and starbucks” wins

anyways

i’m off

uhm send me some tips on how to stay motivated with weight loss.

also i’ve just accepted that i hate my body and that will probably never change and that fact alone will keep me from allowing other people to be intimate with me or even come close to loving me or myself.

cool bye!

#dumb #tw body image

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1010

survey from diggitydoo

Have you ever felt a baby kick? Yes, when my mom was pregnant with my brother. What color pants/shorts are you wearing? I’m only wearing a duster gown; no shorts underneath. I just got it last night, actually - my mom wanted to donate clothes to victims of a recent fire incident in Manila and so she asked my sister and I to sort through our closets for clothes we were willing to give away. My sister ended up giving away a comfy-looking duster gown that she never even wore and even smelled brand new to boot. It ended up in my hands, ha. But apart from that we gave away a lot of stuff that aren’t old uniforms or costumes (which is what most people tend to ‘donate’, ugh), so we just hope they end up with people who really need them. When is the last time you did something truly fun, and what was it? Last night I went on our org’s Discord server and we played Jackbox games for around an hour or so. It was my first time to socialize again after around two months and I really, really needed that moment. I even met the org’s newest roster of applicants for this semester, which was neat. :) What was the scariest moment of your life? Men terrorizing me or near-car crashes I’ve had.

Have you ever heard of Leonard Cohen? The name is familiar, but that’s the most I know.

Pancakes or flapjacks? I guess pancakes, since I don’t even know what flapjacks are. What kind of computer are you on? It’s a laptop. Do you eat Chinese food? If so, what's your favorite dish? For sure. Pork buns or minced pork with eggplant. With century egg on the side, yum. What are you usually doing at midnight? Either passed out or desperately trying to sleep because I don’t want to lose any more hours of sleep and risk being cranky for the whole of the next day. Have you ever developed feelings for a friend, but you were already with someone? No. The worst thing that’s happened was being someone’s ball date (and unbeknownst to me, they apparently had feelings for me at the time) while I was already with someone. If so, how did it turn out? He figured it out by himself, which I still feel bad about. But the timing was super off and I just couldn’t find a moment to sit him down and set the record straight...ah well. It was just super complicated at the time. Give me your brief definition of love. My favorite love-related quote is “Love never says ‘I have done enough’” and for the longest time, that has been my guiding principle when it comes to it. Definitely a tad bit cheesy, but telling myself that over and over makes it easier to continue loving the people I care for and be patient with them when they’re being asses. Gab included, then and now. What is the most beautiful part of the human body, male or female? It differs for everyone but I’m a thigh girl through and through. What kind of shoes do you wear? Uh...various ones? I have sneakers, flats, heels, flip-flops, probably a couple more kinds that I can’t place at the moment. What is the worst thing you've ever done when you were really angry? Resorting to physical violence. I was a kid constantly exposed to violence in my old home, and at the time I genuinely thought that’s how most things were settled or pacified. I still feel like shit about it to this day, and my backstory isn’t an excuse at all; but the past is the past and I’ve been trying to make up for it by being a much more gentle angry person in the last few years. Are there any pills you take on a daily basis? If so, what? Nope. Do you like the smell of coconuts? For some reason I can’t stand anything coconut (which is a damn shame considering I’m Filipino) but I love dishes with heaps of coconut milk in them, like curry. That’s the one coconut-related thing I enjoy, but otherwise I’ve never learned to appreciate the taste and smell of buko juice, coconut shavings, coconut pies, and everything else coconut. What is the heaviest you think you can lift? From what my old PE class showed me, around 70 to 80 lbs. Do you take Tums? Idk what that is so I guess I don’t. Have you ever walked on a pier at the beach? I’m not sure if I’ve been to a pier before. I bet it feels wonderful and freeing and I’d love to visit one; but I also can’t keep myself from associating piers with the recurring image of Jennifer Connelly’s character standing on one from Requiem for a Dream. How about under one? No. At what age do you first remember feeling butterflies in your stomach around someone? Not sure if it was 11 or 12, but it was definitely one of those years. Do you feel that way around anyone now? Yeah, if they allowed me to see them. But I’m shut out now so I haven’t had that sensation in a while.

Do you ever talk to yourself or think deep thoughts while on the toilet? No. Do you ever sing to yourself? Sure. I’m sure most people do every once in a while. What is a sound that relaxes you? Ocean waves have never failed. How hard has it been to reach your main goal in life? ‘Main goal’ sounds so overwhelming; I make it a point to avoid one overarching goal and instead make little goals and plans here and there depending on where I am in life. Do you remember the song about hoes in different area codes? Never heard of it. What is your main heritage? Filipino. What kind of pickles do you prefer, if you like pickles? I hate pickles. What kind of cheese do you prefer, if you like cheese? Mozzarella and feta are my faves, but I love cheese and am willing to be adventurous when it comes to it. If you could have a sea creature as a pet, what would you want? Eh, they can stay in the sea where they can actually survive. I don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to keeping fish as pets. How about a farm animal? Probably pig. So, do you have hoes in different area codes? No, and ew. What is the most annoying song you can think of that came out recently? Haven’t been exposed to a lot of new music lately and the songs I do get to hear on the radio whenever I drive are actually pretty good. This totally doesn’t answer your question but my favorites so far have been Birthday by Disclosure, Kehlani, and Syd; and Plain by Benee, Lily Allen, and Flo Milli. What is a song that you hate to admit you like? Any Kanye song I like. What inspires you to get off your bum and do something productive? Not wanting to go into another downward spiral. Do you ever use Urban Dictionary? Extremely rarely. I only do when there’s a new slang I’m completely unfamiliar with. Do you find the definitions on there to be generally funny or stupid? Stupid for the most part. I find them too immature or vulgar, but that’s one of the points of the website so I guess I’m just not in their target audience lol. What comes to your mind when you hear the word 'transformation'? Uh, the Transformer robots.

What was something you regularly played with as a child? My cousins’ toy soldiers.

Have you ever given in to peer pressure? Eh, a few times. If so, what did you do? I’ve been pulled to drinking sessions here and there when I really shouldn’t be drinking because I had an important test tomorrow or something else was happening the next day that was just as significant. What part of your body have you had the most problems with in your life? Teeth, I’m pretty sure. I’ve had braces, needed a tooth extracted, gotten a cavity, and gone through a severe toothache.

Do a lot of people check you out when you're in public? Idk I never look around because being aware of it would just freak me out and make me feel like I’m naked. What is a good name for a turtle? Would depend on their personality. And this applies to all kinds of pets, at least for me. I don’t decide on their names until I have a good grasp of their attitude. Can you imitate any accents well? If so, which one(s)? Stereotypical Filipino mom and valley girl. Do you like having your ear nibbled on? Sure. What makes a good kisser a good kisser? I’ve only kissed one person so I’m not the best judge for this; but I always like it when my lower lip is tugged or grazed on. How many times a year do you have a family thing? This is a little vague for me. Do you mean get-togethers? Giant-ass reunions? Movie nights? Game nights? What are the best things to put in a smoothie? I only like one kind of smoothie and it’s sold by a local joint – and I think I’ve already shared this before but that smoothie of theirs that I like has “apple, banana, cinnamon, oats, coco sugar, chia seeds, greens, and soy milk,” according to their menu. So I guess those are the best ingredients for me, ha. Do you ever eat with your eyes closed and just focus on the taste? When I find something extremely delicious, yeah. What do you dislike most about where you live right now? For the most part I can’t wait to get out of suburban residential villages. I’d love to finally experience living in a condo in a super busy and active city. Has anyone ever given you a rose/roses? Yes.

Are you watching your weight? Not really. I’m trying to gain pounds though, if anything. I haven’t eaten much in the last two months. Have you ever become really good friends with someone you found online? I trust y’all with my life, so that’s one. Apart from Tumblr, the best friends I made were probably the people in the AJ/Punk fandom, back when I had a stan account on Twitter. I don’t remember most of their names now and we fizzled out pretty quickly when both parts of the ship left WWE, but I look back on that period with fondness. Those people made high school a lot easier for me. What makes your best friend your best friend? She doesn’t care whether I’m on top of the world with happiness or completely self-destructive and crying my eyes out; she has always been present. Do you have a drunk uncle? *rolls eyes* We don’t wanna open up that can of worms... Do you hear weird noises in your house at night? Nope. What is something you do that is generally more like something the opposite sex does? Based on personal experience and not to come off as sexist, but it’s liking wrestling. I have never met a girl in real life who has even the most remote interest in pro wrestling or can tell me who Hulk Hogan is. And the ones I’ve had discussions with - from shallow/casual to in-depth - have all been guys. Seeing girls who are into wrestling is like finding a rare Pokemon, at least in real life. What is the girliest thing you do, if you're a girl? Idk. What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen? Probably the spork tattoo of Josh, a crew member from Good Mythical Morning. It’s just a line tattoo. Of a spork. On his arm. But he managed to make it so goddamn fascinating lmao; and apparently, as I learned just now, it has a pretty touching backstory to it too, which makes it a million times cooler. Have you ever created anything artistic that you're proud of? If so, what? I’ve never finished any of the crafts I bought. Never finished a coloring book page much less an entire coloring book, a painting, a gem painting...it’s something I’ll have to bring my butt to do one of these days. I can’t imagine how fulfilling it would feel. Do you only eat the middle of the oreo, if you eat oreos? I eat the whole thing but I honestly find Oreos too sweet and I’ve always much rather preferred Oreo-flavored stuff instead of the actual cookies.

Do you know anyone with a huge ego? My mom. If so, is there anything else about them you actually like? She’s fed me for 22 years and gave me an education, I guess. Though it’s something I appreciate more so than like. Have you ever used a racial slur, even jokingly? Probably as a dumb kid, when historical context wasn’t a thing to me yet. I still wince thinking about it, but I suppose what matters is being better and more responsible moving forward. Do you have any friends who are more like siblings to you? Angela and to some extent Andi.

If so, what about them do you like most? They are both understanding when it comes to me - almost to a fault. What do you like on your hotdogs, if you eat hotdogs? When you say ‘hotdogs’ here, it refers to the sausages itself. The sandwich kind of hotdog isn’t super popular here. What is everyone else in your house doing right now? My siblings are still resting in their rooms; my dad is preparing for work, I think. What is the most money you've ever had at one time? Something like P10,000 or P15,000 when my mom needed me to pay for something in cash. How long do you think it would take you to run a mile? Idk, maybe 10 minutes. I won’t be fast, that’s for sure. Look down. What do you see? My legs and the pillow I’m sitting on. What is a subject that makes you uncomfortable? Right now, probably my failed relationship. I haven’t gotten to the sharing stage yet and remotely thinking about it gets my voice all shaky. What is a subject you can talk on and on about and not get sick of it? Paramore. What kind of mood were you in most of today? It’s only 7:52 AM. My only mood so far is just woke up. Has anyone ever walked in on you naked? Yeah. Because people in this damn house never knock. Tell me an inside joke you have with someone. The word ‘ariba.’ What is the worst thing someone could do to you emotionally? Break my trust. So simple but it packs a punch. What is the worst thing you've ever done to someone emotionally? Idk if I’ve ever been that aggressive. When I want to do something destructive towards someone I always end up asking what it would feel like if the action was done to me, and it’s always been enough to sway me away from doing the thing. How do you feel now about the first person you ever dated? Sad. How about the last person (your last ex)? Same person. What is the best invention ever invented? Air conditioners.

What is something that needs to be invented? Portable air conditioners. What always makes you burp? My burps come randomly. What are you doing tomorrow? It’s my last weekend before my new job, soooooooo...I’ll be bumming around for my last two days of freedom.

#survey #surveys

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