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Lockdown 2 - Day 0
I won’t apologise for not writing in this blog for the past few months. I will keep my entries short from now on. I feel lonely regularly but not most of the time. I’ve made a list of films to watch for the next four weeks.
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A small gripe (Day 37)
I have become too precious with writing this blog. In the last week, I have worked on several drafts about feeling lonely, juggling, and a podcast that I have fallen in love with called ‘Nobody Panic.’
This is meant to be a place to have fun. So I’ve set a timer, and I’m just going to write. It’s been a difficult week. A lot has happened at home, all of it exacerbated by Covid-19.
But ultimately everything is okay.
Today, I want to vent. I accept in full that the issue I am going to discuss is minor in the extreme, but this is a safe space and I want to dig into it.
Talking to your friends about lockdown can be difficult sometimes. Some seem to completely love it. They are cooking more than ever and are going on long walks. They enjoy spending their days reading and watching Netflix.
And I love all those things too! But I also loved seeing people in person and walking among a crowd. You have no idea how much I miss a crowd!
The lockdown is completely necessary and important, and it feels silly to complain when you are healthy, and have a roof over your head.
But I feel lonely a lot of the time and I haven’t figured out a way to verbalise that. I can’t be the only one? Days are full of ups and downs. Nothing major. Nothing unmanageable. But odd, nevertheless.
Life is good, but also strange?
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Birthday Boy (Day 24)
Today is my birthday so I wanted to try something a little bit different.
It was inspired by a video from my favourite YouTuber – Enjoy!
24 Things I’ve Learned in 24 Years
Always try to be kind
Never stay in London for too long without a break (the countryside is so close!)
Cheese-strings taste better as an adult
My sister makes me laugh the most
Aimlessly walking with a friend is the best way to spend the day
If I am nervous, I will sleep badly
CBT works
Hair gel is a necessity
You feel better if you regularly exercise
Usually when someone tells you their problems, all they want you to do is listen
Time heals all
I am not cool
But drinking expensive scotch makes me feel cool
Ask people for help
You can’t persuade someone to forgive you
Try to always sleep on it
Use one notebook at a time
Try to go to the beach and cinema more often
You can’t feel happy all the time
Stay in touch with old school friends because we knew each other before we started pretending to be adults
Dentists are necessary but also a scam
Travelling alone is easier than you think
Thermal clothing is key in winter
I am an idiot
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A sunny Saturday (Day 20)
Have we all adjusted to this new life?
I went to one of the posher streets near me today, and there were lines for the butchers, fishmongers and the organic food-shops. The lines don’t look weird anymore. One burger place had even opened up its shop front.
On the way, I saw people doing up front gardens that had long been neglected. Children furiously riding bikes in the nearby park and friends sneaking visits to each other by talking on doorsteps.
I overheard at least three different people practising their instruments.
None of us seem to miss the obligation of going to the gym. Zoom parties are still awkward, but we’re getting better at them.
When I walk outside, London seem happier. The lucky ones free from financial burden are appreciating how slow time feels and lazing about in their newly spring-cleaned flats.
While many of us may have adjusted (including me), it feels like there are two worlds right now. The world I see outside on a sunny Saturday, and the world behind closed doors.
People mourning loved ones without being able to congregate. People who feel lonelier than ever. People stuck at home with their couped up kids. People worrying about looming bills.
I don’t really know how to end this post.
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Muddling is an unappreciated skill (Day 19)
Sorry for my absence!
I’ve been a bit lost in my head recently and everything I tried to write seemed wayward and uninteresting. But I think the break has done me good.
It’s strange to realise that I haven’t had this much time to think since I was a teenager.
Six years ago, I was in my last year of school and I didn’t know what I wanted to do. My friends had all applied to university, and the UCAS deadline was fast approaching. I knew that I wanted to go to university, but I had no idea what I would study.
Taking a gap year seemed so daunting and implausible. What would I do? Do I really want to be stuck with my parents for another year? (Oh, how naïve I was)
One day, my friend told me plainly – “Take a gap year- you don’t know what you’re doing.” With one sentence, he made my impossible decision, feel so straightforward.
My year-out was relatively lonely. I didn’t travel (I really should have!) and I just worked. I counted the days and noticed the leaves changing colours.
Of course, I didn’t really figure out much that year and I still struggled to pick a degree. But I did learn to give up on the idea of a perfect plan – and to better trust my instinct and keep muddling along...
I think I’ve remembered that I am an excellent muddler, so watch this space!
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My hair is a mess (Day 11)
My hair is a longer than it has ever been. It is a mess.
I also keep turning the radio on and off. I want to hear about how the pandemic is affecting people, but then I immediately want to maintain the bubble I’ve been living in. I like pretending that my unkempt hair is my biggest issue right now.
I’ve been thinking a lot about a story in The Atlantic which suggests that the 9/11 era is now over and a new era, one defined by Covid-19, has begun. While the lockdown may be over soon, the impacts of the pandemic will be felt for years to come.
Healthcare workers will struggle with their mental health long after we return to normal life. People will become more overtly racist towards people of East Asian descent. A whole new generation of young people will find it even harder to find entry level jobs and governments from around the world will find it easier to initiate lockdowns and monitor its people.
On the other hand, working from home may become normalised, and as all students should be excited about, the practise of writing exam essays by hand could go extinct. We will likely fight climate change with a renewed sense of optimism, in the full knowledge that our behaviours and habits are not fixed.
But who really knows? All I know is that I’ve spent the last hour watching men trying to cut their hair on YouTube.
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I miss the beach (Day 9)
I keep catching myself dazing off, fantasising about the beach.
I have these daydreams when I’m reading, during the ad breaks on TV, and on my walks to Tesco Express. They consist of me having mint ice cream by the sea, and watching people lounge in the sun.
People walk past each other readily with their minds free from the burden of having to calculate what two metres looks like. The public updates its Instagram feeds as one and the only mask I see is a cheap snorkel.
And so, I keep wondering - will any of us city-folk get to go the beach this summer?
I know there are hundreds of more urgent and significant questions to ask right now but it’s the thing that my silly brain has been stuck on all day.
Every summer I promise myself that I will go to the beach more often, but I never go as much I’d like to. Friends are busy. Parks are easier. Pub gardens are even easier.
It’s a variation of the same question that every person on Earth is asking right now: When will things go back to normal?
It feels difficult to accept that no one has an answer yet and I think I’m going a bit mad. I just want to be able to take the beach for granted again
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Comeback Kid (Day 8)
Let’s talk about something inane: Football video game soundtracks.
In the world of football simulators, there are two main players: FIFA and Pro Evolution Soccer. They both release a new version every year, but FIFA is by far the more popular. As of September 2018, FIFA had sold 260 million copies of its various iterations.
My cousins got me hooked onto FIFA when I was about seven, and for the next decade, it was my chosen sport.
But the game is also famous for its soundtrack, which usually features a mix of singles from acts about to make it into the mainstream, and album cuts from established bands.
FIFA songs have for better or worse shaped my music taste. It is how I first listened to Dizzee Rascal on FIFA Street (2005), and how I learned about the infectiousness of Two Door Cinema Club in FIFA 13 (2013), and later tired of how commonplace their sound became.
I haven’t played video games regularly for five years. I felt like I had outgrown them, and I guess I got too busy. But now I have all the free time in the world and so I bought Pro Evolution Soccer 2020.
This franchise is less well known for its soundtrack, but a few hours into the game, ‘Comeback Kid’ by Sharon Van Etten came on and I felt fuzzy. Last year, I had discovered and fallen in love with her music.
It all felt like the warm embrace of an old friend.
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Will the world be kinder after this? (Day 7)
My parents are good, hard-working people. They are also deeply anxious.
A lack of money is the root cause. They worry about bills constantly, dodge phone-calls from debt collectors and freak out every time Universal Credit sends a new online update.
Today, while clearing out the house, I found my mum’s adult education certificates from 2005 to 2007. The certificates were for English language courses, provided free at my primary school. The courses have long since been scrapped.
Immigrants always want their children to be the successful ones. They work hard so that their children can become tomorrow’s doctors, accountants and lawyers. But why did it have to be so much harder for them to be successful also? Why was the world so rigged?
The world is still rigged for so many people, of all colours and races.
When it comes to Britain, I wonder what our government will look like after this pandemic? Will it be kinder? Will it start funding the NHS properly? Will it prioritise giving support to all the key workers that we have relied on these last few weeks? Perhaps they could start by properly funding adult education centres again?
Talk is cheap. I’ve read a dozen editorials asking the same questions and what good actually comes out of it? So what’s the point in writing about it? Desperately seeking answers.
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Friendship & taxes (Day 6)
My friend, perhaps my closest, has several views which do not align with mine.
Put simply – he is a Tory.
A few years back, I decided I could no longer be friends with him, in part, because of his political views. It was my first year of university and I was trying my best to radically reinvent myself. Instead I was drinking too much, far too often, and distracting myself from how lonely I felt.
One day, I drunk-called him and said that I didn’t want to be his friend anymore. He was part of my old life, and I wanted to move on to better things. We didn’t talk for months.
The truth is, I don’t remember how we came to be friends again. I know that I apologised, and I know how sorry I felt. I know that he didn’t need to be my friend again.
I love him wholeheartedly.
A person’s politics is important. I still get frustrated with him whenever he brings up anything political, and I’m sure he feels the same way whenever I do.
But when he does start talking about taxes being too high or how Tories are demonised in the media, he lets me berate him and I appreciate him for that.
I berate him, and then we laugh about his endlessly fascinating love life.
It might be a fudge, but hey it works for us.
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Phone snatching & garden appreciation (Day 5)
I have started snatching my sister’s phone from her hands throughout the day, just to piss her off.
I am also spending more time in the garden, at least a few hours each day. I usually kick a ball for about half an hour and tell myself that I’m practising my left foot. If it’s not too breezy, I read my book outside. Why is reading outdoors, so much better than reading anywhere else?
In my garden, it does not feel like the entire country is under lockdown. Upstairs, I hear the neighbour kids watching cartoons. A few gardens down, I hear a brother and sister fighting.
If I listen carefully, I hear conversations in Nigerian accents, Jamaican accents and posh English ones. Old school RnB from afar, providing the backing track.
I can hear all these things because everyone’s windows are open. A nation’s final luxury.
Sometimes I open a news app on my phone. A few of my friends are final year medical students who have had their graduations rushed through, so that they can work the crisis. Several of my aunts are nurses, and so they too are currently working around the clock on new assignments.
The first reports coming in suggest that Covid-19 is killing people of colour in Britain at a disproportionate rate. I want to write more thoroughly about this issue, but I also wonder what good it will do? I feel helpless, so I’m sticking my head in the sand.
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A trip to Oxford (Day 4)
A few months ago, I sat in a café in Oxford and waited for a friend. The shop was made of two parts. A large backroom area designed like a living room, and a front which squeezed in the baristas, coffee machines and laptop-users.
For the next half hour or so, I sat in the front and listened to the baristas talk. I learned that one of them was called Matt, and that this was his final shift. I also learned that Matt was going to be moving to New York to study abroad.
He seemed in high spirits and was busy making his co-workers laugh.
My decision to visit Oxford had been last minute. I was feeling stressed at home and needed the semblance of escape.
I was worried about whether I was doing a good enough job at work and how I would find my next job.
At the time, I felt envy towards Matt. He seemed so carefree and confident, while I struggled not to fret over spilling my coffee. But of course, Matt must have had his own things to worry about and I was lucky enough to simply visit Oxford on the spur of the moment.
Right now, I feel calm and I want to make the most of this free time– My only priority is to have fun.
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Family & talking on the phone
My parents are in their mid-sixties. They are both immigrants, and so are familiar with not seeing loved ones regularly, and only catching up with them over the phone.
Till last year, my mum had not seen her sister in over a decade. But in that period, they talked to each other on the phone weekly (they still do).
A lot of my aunts and uncles are in their mid-sixties too. And as we’re a South Asian family, our medical history is not the best. There is a long history of diabetes, cholesterol and high blood pressure. Covid-19 could have a devastating impact on my family.
But strangely so far - it seems to have made my parents closer and happier. They’ve got into the habit of regularly watching films together, and the pandemic has been an excellent excuse to call friends that they’ve lost contact with.
It works the other way too. My parents seem to be touched that so many people are phoning them.
I have also started calling friends more often, but I don’t think I’m very good at it right now. My life sounds so uninteresting when spoken out loud.
When I was a teenager, I could talk for hours with the same friends on Skype. We had absolutely nothing to talk about, but we routinely had calls that went on for longer than three hours. I used to hate that my life consisted of nothing better. Now I feel awkward sending those friends a text.
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It’s a cliché, but today I want to talk about Instagram
Last night on a whim, I bought Cal Newport’s Digital Miniminalism. The book is about how we need to reframe our relationship with technology.
I am about halfway through the book now (I’m really enjoying it!) but I am not sure how much of his philosopy I subscribe to. There are lots of interesting aspects to Newport's thinking and maybe I’ll discuss those bits another time, but today I want to talk about Instagram.
I really like Instagram! Unlike Facebook, which I got when I was 13, I joined Instagram late. Most of my friends were already on it by the time I joined (aged 21).
Without Instagram, I would not have reconnected with my friend, Jodie. Nor would I have known it was Alice's birthday today!
And the few times I travelled solo last year, Instagram provided a lifeline for when I felt like loneliness might consume me. I enjoyed posting photos of where I was, and I loved connecting with people in my social circle who had also visited these places.
But I also hate Instagram. I hate how it feels like a slot machine and how I want to constantly open the app to check for updates.
So following Newport's advice, I will have the app deleted for the next seven days (okay... he advocates 30 days, but I am weak) to see if I gain a clearer idea of what role I want Instagram to play in my life.
Stay tuned.
#instagram#digital minimalism#cal newport#calnewport#news#fakenews#friendship#socialmedia#anxiety#mentalheath#kanye#clickfortaz
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Day 1 without a job
I am a 23 year old (soon to be 24 year old) brown skinned person who feels just a little bit lost right now. I live in London with my parents and today is my first day in a long while, without a job.
For the last three years I have been certain that I want to be a journalist. I think I have been relatively successful so far? But with the world under lockdown, the news simply feels too overwhelming right now: Covid-19 continues to decimate populations, there isn’t enough testing and a vaccine isn't coming anytime soon. And so I find myself ignoring the news completely.
So with all my newfound free time, I want to write for myself. But publicly? I am a journalist by training after all.
I am going to try and write in this blog everyday for the remainder of the lockdown. I will limit myself to 250 words to make it easy as possible for myself.
I will not tell my friends about the existence of this blog until I have kept it up for at least two weeks. This way they'll actually have something to read if they ever click on it!
This blog will hopefully be a small insight into the life of a young brown Londoner trying to figure out his future. I will write about my friends, family and whatever else pops into my head
Hope you enjoy!
#journalistlife#quarantine#family#kanye#frankocean#asianparents#brownlife#writing#blog#lockdown#friendship#skype#doodle#keyboard#asianfamily#immigrant#clickfortaz#roseandrosie#jimmyzhang#youtube#dodie
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