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hard--headed--woman · 4 months

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i feel kinda messed up rn bc before i got with my ex i had been convinced by the trans community that i was nonbinary and went by them/them for ages.

but my ex was a conservative controlling male basically and started calling me by she/her and my deadname even while i was telling him not too. (but obviously not for radfem reasons lol) eventually during the relationship i got into radfem theory and it was ur post about why a lot of women identify as nonbinary that actually started me thinking about it and i realised it pretty much described exactly me.

issue is, because my ex was so controlling and a lot of people would probably classify him as absuive, i still hate being called by she/her and my 'deadname' by anyone i know. now i just associate it with a control tactic and a way to make me feel shitty. on the other hand, i feel like im betraying my own beliefs and that i should try find a way to reconnect with those identifiers, but bc the wound is so fresh rn it was a far from easy

sorry that this is so long, i'm just kinda wondering if u have any advice, and i've just been considering how many other women probably try to identify out of being female because of trauma related reasons.

Hey, I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me about it! I hope I will be able to help you a little bit!

First of all, please don't feel guilty for not liking being called by your "deadname" or referred to as "she/her". You've identified as non binary for ages, so you got used to it, and because of the abusive relationship you went through (sorry for that by the way, it's terrible and I hope you're doing better), this name and these pronouns remind you of your traumas, of the abuse you suffered, and make you feel bad. This is normal, you're not betraying any beliefs or any cause, it's is a human reaction and you're not doing anything wrong. I think most radfems would agree with me on that. No one can blame you so don't blame yourself.

Before anything else, I'll say that if you really can't hear that name and these pronouns, no matter how hard you try, don't force yourself. Maybe it's not what I should say but at the end of the day, if you try for a long time to accept this name and the female pronouns, and it doesn't work, no one would blame you for deciding to keep using your "new" name (or picking another one) and the they/them pronouns.

Now about your problem in itself. Well it might sound obvious but the best way to reconcile yourself with your name and female pronouns is to heal from your traumas due to this shitty relationship. Talk about it, for example to your friends or family, tell them how you feel, go out, focus on your hobbies and the things you like, meet new people if you feel like it, go to therapy if it helps, find a way to express your feelings... Do everything you need to do to feel better and move on. Step by step. It might take some time but you'll get there!

Same for your name and your pronouns. Do it step by step. Use them for yourself in your head first, or in writing. Try a diminutive of your "deadname" first, or going back to the full name again. Ask just one person to use she/her for you first, so you can get used to it again, and then ask more people to do the same thing. Talk with people who never had to call you they/them or by your other name, they will call you she/her and use your "deadname", it might help you a bit. In your head, try to distance this name and these pronouns from the abuse in itself, try to associate it with beautiful things and memories, or with your beliefs (like, "letting peoole use this name for me would be a feminist act", etc...). Step by step! I am sure you'll get there <3

As you said, the wounds are still fresh, it's normal that you need time. It will perhaps take some time but you will heal and you'll be able to hear your name and pronouns again, I know it. There's no hurry! Take your time. It's already amazing of you to learn radfem beliefs and become gender critical after years of identifying as non binary (and I am proud to have played a role in this haha!).

Have a good day and feel free to send me another ask/to dm me if you need/want <3

#asks #anon #nonbinary #abusive relationships

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rinwellisathing · 2 months

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You're Awful, I Love You: Part 28

Enver Gortash/Trans Male Tiefling Durge

Sentry returned to The Feast, continuing to lovingly detail the fur and finery on each gnoll in the picture. Each little droplet and splatter of blood adorning their beautiful clothes and jewels, every stray rivulet of saliva. He sighed gently, relaxing into the serene peace of his art. He thought of guiding a little long nailed hand across canvas, holding a little body up to reach the very top and make a marking. He thought bitterly of how that had not been his childhood, of the breeding cage, of his visitors. He shook it off and inhaled deeply through his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. Another headache, another 'gift' from father for his defiance. It was getting worse. Something small and soft rubbed against his leg and he paused, for a moment the pain in his head faded, replaced with a serene calm. He opened his eyes slowly and looked down. “Oh, hey Malta. Still haven't headed home, huh? Well, you can stay as long as you need to, I'll smooth it over with Wysp when I have a chance to visit him...” The cat let out a sad little mew and pawed at Sentry's leg. The tiefling sighed and set down his brush a moment, picking the cat up in his arms and burying his face against the soft fur. “It's alright, buddy, when I come back from this little outing, we'll go straight away and talk to Wysp. Whatever you two fought over can't possibly be that bad.” He carried Malta over to the bed and set him down on the pillow before returning to his painting.

Back at Gortash's home, Enver was preparing for the excursion, taking another item stolen from The House of Hope, a fine bag of holding, and beginning to place potions and throwing devices inside of it. He was just beginning to wonder what weapon he should carry on his person, when there was a timid knock at his door. With a sigh of annoyance, he set his things aside and crossed the room, opening the door and giving the servant standing there a look that plainly said this disturbance better be important. The well dressed dwarf stammered anxiously before swallowing his fear and taking a deep breath.

“My lord, some of the um...the patriars that you've reached out to, some of them have sent meeting requests...The Jannaths have in fact sent an invitation to the theatre....Two tickets, in fact. Yourself and a companion. It seems they wish ask your advice on...” Enver couldn't help but roll his eyes. Of course the old fool and her clueless husband were all but under his thumb. That had been easy. Still, he supposed it would be best to put in an appearance and the illusion of being a useful 'friend of the family' for a bit longer, enough to grease the wheels on his way to a place of real power. Besides, it might be amusing to bring Sentry with him. It could be amusing to see the elder Lady Jannath realize what actually drew his attention, especially when she couldn't make a fuss about it without confessing to her husband. It would be an afternoon's amusement at least. Besides, Sentry would enjoy the artistry, it might, perhaps, inspire him. “Yes, good. I'll attend. Now leave me, I'm extraordinarily busy at the moment.” He waved the servant off, shutting the door in his face before he could protest or try and relate further duties and responsibilities to distract from tonight's important work. Enver approached his wardrobe and thumbed through fine jackets and robes, reaching all the way to the back. Another little trinket stolen from his 'adoptive father'. Raphael's best coat for visits home to Cania. It was lined with the heavy fur of a dire polar bear and enchanted with a warming spell from some of Mephistar's own resident wizards. The material was a rich deep red with that heavy white fur around the cuffs and collar and lining the inside. Along with the coat, he packed a pair of thick goggles that would shield his eyes and finally decided on a hand crossbow to carry with him. All of this, he packed into the bag of holding for the trip to The Devil's Fee. Sentry, meanwhile, was just finishing up today's work on 'The Feast' when he realized he ought to leave for The Devil's Fee. He'd read a bit about Cania while looking for inspiration for his paintings, but wasn't entirely sure what might be useful other than winter clothing and his faithful halberd. Then again, he supposed Enver would have planned for it, so with a shrug, he simply grabbed a rich purple coat lined with soft black fur from a displacer beast, the neck and cuffs trimmed with thicker black werewolf fur Sentry had decided to add himself from an early victim. He packed his usual satchel with art supplies and a few poisons and healing potions and stepped out of his room. Gabraela stopped him again, arms folded across her chest. Sentry raised a brow, matching her posture. The older tiefling pointed to Fel and gave Sentry a stern look.

“I was going to bring him. Gods, Gabraela.” He groaned. “Fel! We're off on quite an adventure tonight, you're up for it?” “Always ready and willing to go where I am needed, young master.” Fel bowed low. “Where will tonight's devious plot take us?” “Mephistar...well...hopefully...here's hoping it doesn't deposit us right in some snow drift in Cania where we'll absolutely freeze before we get anywhere near the glacier.” He shrugged. “My rotted master, are you sure you're dressed for the weather? Bundled up all nice and snug? Perhaps a hat...some gloves, maybe a scarf?” Fel suggested, hurrying after Sentry as the tiefling simply walked straight past him on the way to the door. “I'm fine. Now hurry up or we'll be late meeting up with Enver...do you remember which sewer grate lets out nearest the graveyard?” He asked, frowning as he tried to settle on a path once they were outside the temple.

#baldurs gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 #oc #tiefling #durge #dark urge #writing #fanfic #gortash x durge #durgetash #lord enver gortash #enver gortash

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greedlers-hat · 3 years

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Believe Yourself

Greedler/Trans Male (/Masc) Reader Hurt/Comfort Drabble

The Greedler comforting trans male/masc reader because I feel ~dysphoric~ and desperately need affection </3

The Greedler and Reader have a platonic (it’s hinted that there might be sexual aspects in the future) relationship and they’re very emotionally and physically affectionate/sensual. You can interpret this as romantic but please don’t comment/add tags about it because I’m aromantic and romance repulsed and it makes me uncomfortable.

TW: Sexual flirting, sex mentioned, “gay loser” used in a playful way, gender dysphoria and dysphoric thoughts, crying, let me know if I missed any!

Word count: 903

Read it on AO3!

You feel dizzy, your mind swimming with contempt and it's all directed at you. 'You're just a girl fetishizing gay men. Men don't have boobs. Your face is too round to be masculine, no real gay man will ever find you attractive. You are a woman, you'll never be a real man. You're fake and everyone can tell. Everyone knows, and the people who respect you are just doing it to be nice.' Every word feels hot in your veins, like they’re burning their way through your body. It burns and it feels numbing, you wish it’d stop but you can’t even tell whether you hate the thoughts or if you hate yourself. Maybe both.

You don't even realize that you're crying until your best friend, The Greedler, is hugging you tightly to his chest, you look up to see him smiling at you. "Hey, Y/N. You doin' alright?" Greed asks softly, carefully. He’s worried, obviously, and he cares about you. He wants to help. You shake your head, "What's wrong, babe?" You wipe at your face roughly, trying to get all the tears off. 'Men don't cry.' And isn’t it ironic that that thought just so happens to make you cry even harder? You bury your face in Greedler's chest. You can't help it, you need his support right now. Your mind is messy, cruel place right now and you need him to pull you out of it, if only for a minute. Greed presses a soft kiss to your head and holds you all the closer to himself, humming a little tune that you recognize to be one of your favorite songs under his breath. "Do you wanna talk about it?" He offers after a few minutes, having waited for you to calm down enough to talk before speaking himself. You nod, "Mhm." Your head is still swimming, it's hard to gather any coherent thoughts but you definitely do want to talk about it.

You take a moment to figure out how to word yourself before speaking, "M' not a real man." You say, sniffling and wiping at your nose. "I look n' sound like a girl... m' just fake. Pretending." It’s much more complicated than that but you have no idea how to explain it any further. How do you tell someone that your brain doesn’t hate you, but hates how you look and sound? That all the words of transphobic men and women you’ve encountered throughout your life still echo through your mind way more often than you’re comfortable with admitting? That everything about yourself makes you uncomfortable, that you so desperately wish you could look in the mirror and see yourself. That you don’t think you’ll ever truly be comfortable in your own body. You look up at The Greedler once you finish to gauge his response. Greed shakes his head, "That's not true. You're a beautiful young man, there's nothing "woman" about you. When you first told me you were a man, I believed you right away and I still do. Why don't you believe yourself?"

You can't help but smile at Greed's words, he always knows exactly what to say to make you feel better. You know that he doesn’t fully understand, but the fact that he still tries even despite not knowing what it’s like to be in your skin just makes you feel like you have the best friend in the world. Even if you don't feel perfect, what he said still makes you feel a lot better. "You're right... can you tell me what about me you think is masculine? I just really need the validity. Please?" The Greedler smiles and nods, "Of course, Y/N." He moves one of his hands to grab and squeeze yours, "I think the way you go about things is really masculine, your attitude and mindset about things as well. The passion you have for what you enjoy is also super masculine, and your drive to go for it. Believe it or not but you also smell really masculine, I like how you smell a lot," he emphasizes his point by burying his face in your neck and taking a big whiff. It’s playful and flirty and it makes you giggle, "Greed!" You groan playfully, "You're relentless, you know that?" He chuckles, "I know. But I meant what I said, you're hot- I mean- Masculine."

Greed pressed his tongue against your neck playfully, you roll your eyes and kiss his cheek, "Gay loser." You tease and he presses his own kiss to your neck, "Pretty boy~" He teases back. "It's not gonna work on me, Greed. I refuse to be flustered by your weak attempts at flirting with me. I refuse. Unless you do something like pin me to the couch and call me a good boy there's nothing you can do to make me blush." The Greedler moves his head from your neck and raises his eyebrow at that, "Is that a challenge?" You smile, "Maybe it is. But it’s one for another time cause I need cuddles and forehead kisses right now, not hot kinky sex all over the living room, okay?" He can't help but chuckle at that, "Got it." He presses several little pecks to your forehead, pulling you directly into his lap and turning on the TV. "Let's finish that show, shall we?" You smile and lean into him, "We shall."

#pat writes #greedler #onceler #greedler x reader #x reader #greedler fanfic #onceler fanfic #x male reader #male reader #trans reader #greedler x trans reader #ooc

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im-not-a-simp-i-swear · 2 years

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Hello! Sorry for asking, but I had an idea with a friend, where Solomon is a Magical girl, but no he's not trans his hobby is being a drag queen as a Magical girl or cross dressing, I'm not sure what you'd consider, maybe he's just practicing make up because he's tired of chaotic spells; but Mc, is part of his Magical girl party and all, and everyone's reacting to Mc, and Solomon being Magical girls.

Or it's DND style Magical girls except they go into a world trying to corrupt the world, trying to defeat a 'demon' God and Mc is the bard, I don't need to say anything more Mc could just be a bard, no Mc would be the bard.

Im doing it im catching up on the asks finally!!!

MAGICAL GIRL SOLOMON

💙LUCIFER

- "hmm... aight that makes sense, anyways-" yeah he doesnt really care about this as much as you'd think

- i mean just look at his brothers: levi does cosplay, asmo uses makeup, and mammon has done modeling with high heels and probably much more, this is no surprise to Lucifer

- he does like how you seem to enjoy this however, and wont stop you from participating in Solomon's drag fun

💛MAMMON

- "how dare you hang out with Solomon and do drag with him MC" he should be the one that you should be having fun with!

- it isnt like he actually finds you cute as a magical girl or anything, that would be ridiculous! Just look at your fun puffy dress and your funky looking hair, it makes you look adorable! Wait-

- yeah you wont get a clear response from Mammon, but his tsundere act can easily tell you he enjoys how you look, but it jealous that you arent having that kind of him with him

🧡LEVIATHAN

- let him in, LET HIM IN!!!!!

- he loves it and wants to be a part of it, he can male the clothes, the wigs, everything and anything you want can be done with those hands

- he now has another reason to get along with solomon better as well, as they both enjoy dressing up as magical girls and of course it's fun

- "hey MC, i saw you crossdressing the other day with Solomon and i wondered if you both wanted to maybe cosplay with me???"(you better say yes to him)

💚SATAN

- "ah yes a classic activity among humans- are those cat ears?" All it takes for him to want to know more is that your magical girl look involves a cat in anyway possible

- otherwise he doesnt seem bothered much by the drag, if anything he finds it to be fun, however not enough to partake in it, unless of course, as said before, cats can be involved

- lf you and solomon are feeling wacky and silly then try to incorporate more feline features into your next drag, you might just manage to get Satan to join the group

💖ASMODEUS

- "you two are doing drag? WITHOUT ME!" if you thought the second brother was pissed about not partaking in your enjoyment then wait for Asmo to change that

- not only does Asmo drag, he drags like no other. Not even the best of drag queens or kings could beat his beauty skills. He WILL join you two and he WILL make you three the best drag team there ever was

- he'll also share this info on his media (if you two are chill with it of course) and will make sure everyone knows about how great you all are at dressing up as magical girls and how no one will be able to beat you three, mainly him

❤BEELZEBUB

- "cool" yeah he doesnt have a big opinion about this, as long as you are happy and having fun he is happy with it

- if you want him to partake in crossdressing then he will join but you might also need to find a way to make the clothing work with his built figure

- otherwise he'll supoort it :)

💜BELPHEGOR

- "hmm.. why is solomon in a dress?" He is too tired to concentrate properly so at first he'll think he is in some weird fever dream.

- once he realizes that isnt the case he... wont show much of a change in his reaction, however that doesnt mean he doesnt support it, he just doesnt find it as surprising or shocking as someone else would. I mean just look at his brothers-

- if you want him to participatw he will complain a bit since it implies less sleep time, but he'll do anything with you as long as it means you'll give him a smile

- he will fall asleep while working on the dresses and stuff though-

#obey me #obey me mammon #obey me lucifer #obey me satan #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me shall we date #obey me asmodeus #obey me belphegor #obey me solomon #obey me mc #obey me headcanons #magical girl

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ask-obt · 2 years

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I mean, wouldn't there be some sort of an unfortunate alternate interpretation for pairing a trans male character with a previously-believed-to-be-straight male character?

// This concern is something I've considered, and maybe the biggest potential roadblock in having this pairing become a thing. I see the following outcomes: 1. Malachi's sexuality isn't actually referred to directly in-comic (as is the case with most of OBT's cast, they have partners and attractions but specific terms aren't mentioned since it's not on topic during like, deadly water slides lmao), so I could just retcon him to being bisexual the whole time and everybody would be none the wiser (except folks who see the yearly pride art). 2. Malachi was straight, but realizes he's bisexual after spending time with this specific man, and he realizes he doesn't have to bro-zone people he finds attractive. Alternatively, he hadn't met enough men and realizes he likes this one (oh hey, just like me! but like, with women) 3. The implications wouldn't exist in the first place in-universe considering that Inigo is very easily seen as male by other characters, and that sort of bias would only be in the reader's eyes. (But yanno, I have to consider how readers would interpret it since OBT's world and how it views sexuality and gender kind of exists in its own vacuum and I can't telepathically inject that lore into my readers, try as I might) You could also argue there's some sort of implications about Inigo being ace/aro and then suddenly Not, but in that case I'd just say he maybe finds out he's demi. Labels irl are ever shifting and complex, and it's a personal journey for each person to find out what best suits them, and there's no shame in thinking you feel one way when you really feel another. I'm sure people who considered themselves "straight" before finding a same-gender, trans partner also struggle with what this means about their attraction and biases. Either way, though I joke about "no homo" Malachi, more realistically in-comic his struggle would be less about coming to terms with his sexuality and more about "oh no I thought I fundamentally didn't get along with this person and now I do and I don't know how to feel about that". I love writing romance, but I like writing themes about action, adventure, and angst more. If romance and gender identity falls in line with those themes, all the better!

#on borrowed time comic #ask-obt #ooc #this doesn't mean much since it hasn't been executed in the comic #but malachi's original endgame partner was a trans girl #still might be! like I said #this sort of thing is ever shifting as I write #also sorry i haven't been posting much lately #i'm in my own personal medical hell rn sleeping like 14 hours a day

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missallsundaes · 3 years

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Can I have a male reader with Barto please? Trans male who is down about not being 'man enough' so Barto helps them look all tough and showers them in words of affirmation please? Thank you x

Yesss so cute you can defo have that xx

SFW Bartolomeo x FTM Trans Reader Tickling, Words of Affirmation, Support from Boyfriend Barto I can't decide if this is a modern au or not... so uh. It might be?

TW for Dysphoria, Top Surgery

You took off yet another shirt and tossed it onto the pile on the bed, nothing was seeming to fit the way you wanted to, trying to smoosh down your chest as much as possible, even under a binder, today was not a good day for your dysphoria. You groaned loudly and tossed yourself into the bed with all of the shirts that were usually your go-to for making you feel better about your image.

There was a knock at the door, but before you could reply, Barto stuck his head in through a crack in the door, "I heard what sounded like a fight in here," He said, looking around at.. well what appeared to be the closet vomiting on the ground of your room. "Lose a match with the wardrobe? Don't worry you'll get them next time!" He joked, coming into the room, rowdy as ever, and plopping himself next to you on the bed, laying on his side and looking at you. Without a response, as you stared up at the ceiling he softened a bit, "Hey man, what's up?"

"I'm just worried I'm never gonna be the man I want to be," You spoke, letting yourself be vulnerable to your boyfriend. He knew how hard your dysphoria could hit you, and he's one of the only people that you were really comfortable talking about it with. "I don't feel confident in anything right now, I just want to hurry and get top surgery and get rid of these fucking things." You said, hitting your chest with a fist.

"Hey, hey," Barto said, putting his hand over yours to stop you from hitting yourself a second time, "Even if you're not who you want to be right now, I'm gonna be with you the whole time! We can do more work outs if you wanna work on your gains, we can go out today and get some shopping and get you more masc clothes!"

Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes and you moved to wipe them before he noticed, but he still did. "Hey," He said, standing up and pulling you up off the bed, "Come to my room, wear some of my clothes, they'll definitely be bigger on you since my chest is so broad!" He picked you up in a fireman's carry, before you could react.

"Hey! Put me down! It's fine I'll come with you!" You laughed, kicking your feet a bit to get him to set you down.

"Oh you want me to put you down!?" He laughed, tossing you back into your bed, jumping on top of you and kissing your face several times, tickling you and enjoying seeing you laugh again.

"St-Stop!" You choked out between laughs, pushing the chest of the bigger man, "C'mon I feel better, stop!"

He stopped tickling you, looking down at you and smiling brightly, "You're always gonna be enough man for me, you know!" He said, "Plus when you do get top surgery, you can get a cool matching chest tattoo!"

"Hah, you wish!" You said, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him down for another kiss. "Thanks though, I love you. I don't know how I could go through this on my own."

"I know what I signed up for," He said, pressing his forehead against yours, "And its the manliest tickle fights!" He laughed, attacking your sides with his fingers again, sending you into another laughing fit.

#barto x reader #bartolomeo the cannibal #bartolomeo #one piece x reader #one piece #barto #sfw #ftm reader #trans reader #barto says trans rights #i also hc barto as gay or at least gay leaning bi #he's a king #crown emoji

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that-stone-butch · 3 years

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Hi can I ask for some general advice? I’m femme and single and every day that I don’t have a lovely butch in a leather jacket smooching me is another day wasted. I just want a older butch to call me sweetheart, change my oil, and roll us a joint while I make them dinner while wearing a pretty dress so when I bend over they can see I’m not wearing anything underneath! Is that so much to ask!! Where are they?? How do I flirt with butches when my friend turns into Silly Putty around hot women?

Or, more specially, how would YOU like a femme to approach you/ask you out/express interest? Granted, most of it is online at the beginning, cause there aren’t very many if any queer spaces in my area that are open, and even then they were 97% gay men anyway. I’m very much a bottom and a sub so being the one to break the ice and get the ball rolling is very strange and difficult for me, but I also know that a lot of butches can be shy at first so I gotta Just Do It. Help me Jasper, you’re my only hope….. to get laid.

I'M your only hope? oh NO! i'll do my best! obviously i'm not every butch but i'll do my best to bring my perspective into this. i've never participated in hookups and casual sex, all of my flirting experiences have been geared towards building a relationship. but for the most part, i'd wager the 'showing someone you're interested' credits transfer. on that note, if anyone has input on more casual experiences, i genuinely invite them to add on to this post.

okay so it seems like we should separate the advice into online flirting, and irl flirting. let's start with online.

it's always better to make a good first impression rather than come on too strong, in my experience. start with a compliment, keep it light and respectful. in general, i find that the best compliments are things that someone *chose*. as someone who gets constant online 'compliments' (spoiler alert it's actually catcalling), i'm NEVER flattered when someone opens with talking about my body. 'your jawline is incredible' isn't the ice breaker it sounds like; maybe i'm self-conscious about my jawline! you don't know, you're literally introducing yourself with this. like so many people compare me to men and male actors, and they think i'm going to take it as a compliment? the very POINT of opening with a compliment is that you DON'T know what people do and don't like about themselves. maybe you like tall girls, but just because you do doesn't mean the person you're interested in is proud of the fact they're tall. ESPECIALLY in trans and gnc spaces, you just don't know what relationship strangers are going to have with their own bodies, and opening with that is just going to display a level of entitlement that is a bit of a turn-off, personally. so compliment people on things they chose, like their attire or aesthetic or tastes. it's really flattering to hear someone say 'hey, i also like that thing you *chose* to make part of your whole deal.' from there it might be the case that someone likes and enjoys hearing compliments about things they didn't necessarily choose, but you really should test the waters first.

additionally, compliments like this break the ice because it's also a thing you would say to a friend? it's my experience that good relationships always grow from good friendships. even if your conversations don't end up in a relationship, or casual sex or whatever, you can still end up with a friend which is a great thing (butch/femme friendships are something we don't talk about a whole lot as a community, because we focus a LOT on sex, but they're life-changing like my femme friends make my fucking day). it can be difficult online to make your intentions known; you don't have the subtext, body language, all the things that help you further communicate your intentions in person. that's why, online, it's good to make your intentions known after you've built up a good rapport with someone. strike up conversation, find things in common, and after a little bit it's perfectly respectful and okay to tell someone you're interested in them. however, and i cannot stress this enough, do NOT be vague about your intentions online. at least in my case, it's very easy to misinterpret people over text. (who am i kidding, tumblr is the internet capital of people misinterpreting each other). be plain about your intentions. from there you might talk logistics, trade phone numbers (use encryption! use signal!), agree to focus on building a friendship together, part ways, etc. get to know people, ask them questions about themselves, show them you're engaged and interested.

i want to take a second here, especially for younger people reading this, just because someone is gay and/or you're into them doesn't mean you should be unsafe with your information. play it close to the chest, if you're going to meet up meet up in a neutral location. DON'T meet people from the internet in your home, or theirs. exchanging addresses is something to do well after you know you're in a safe situation. ALWAYS be ready to bail. be safe.

as for in-person, i'm sorry to say but in my experience you ARE likely going to have to make the first move. for a lot of butches (and femmes) being out and about is kind of a gender battleground. the LAST thing i want to do is make someone uncomfortable, especially as a masc woman. a misread signal can be dangerous. additionally, i want to say you should NEVER hit on someone who can't leave the situation. never hit on someone just doing their job (unless they're stating very clear intentions toward you from their position. it's sometimes okay to flirt *back* with people on the clock, but still give them space to back off) because you're putting them in a VERY uncomfortable situation.

in-person flirting for wlw is kind of fraught with some difficulty in that you need to signal that you're gay. for me, as a butch, if someone hits on me and they don't signal very hard that they're gay, i'm left wondering if they even knew i was a woman. i've had straight girls hit on me, it's the weirdest fucking thing. now, i'm not equating femme presentation with looking plausibly straight or whatever femmephobic brainrot is floating around out there, femmes ARE gnc and do so in a unique and beautiful way. but being wlw, especially what feels often like a 'gender outlaw,' you're often plagued with self-doubt. sometimes it's easier to believe you're misreading someone as gay and they were just being friendly (or just being friendly AND are gay, as i said earlier that happens and that's a GOOD thing).

i find, in person, it's a good idea to open with a compliment that specifically recognizes someone's butch presentation. if someone says 'i love your hair, by the way' i'm IMMEDIATELY in blush mode. it feels so good to be recognized when i'm out and about, when so many people just decide i'm a man to validate their own worldview, or think they have to compensate for my presentation, assure me no i'm pretty i look very feminine, to validate me as a woman. meeting someone in-person, that you're interested in, it's validating and refreshing to just be seen and shown that someone's interested in the way i'm putting a lot of effort into presenting.

that said, never push people. if you see someone at a coffee shop, campus diner, bookstore, etc. that you're interested in, as with online it's a good idea to aim to leave a good impression. chances are, you might see that person again. i'd rather have someone see me, flirt a little, and then approach me *again* the next time they see me, then go all-in intense the first time. obviously it's smart to play it by ear but if you feel like you're coming on too strong, it's a good idea to back up a little. but that's just me.

above all, remember to have fun with it! flirting is fun, and if you're trying to tactically align your flirting with someone too hard toward a relationship, it kind of loses a little something? i find it's usually a good idea to approach people with the genuine intention of making a connection, and seeing where that takes the two of you, rather than trying to *get* someone to reciprocate. keep it fun! keep it light!

i hope that helps! i'm sorry i don't have more experience, if anyone has something to add, they're welcome to!

#ask #advice #anonymous #long post

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potatotrash0 · 3 years

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Hey idk if youve done this alreadh but im curious about your body headcanons for the sdr2 cast!! An anon sent some in for characters previously (the one where they said things like angie has vitiligo and stuff-i love them and they really stuck with me haha) and i wanna know your headcanons!! :D

Hmhmm this one I might be listing off the spot lmao. I feel like my hcs are mostly just. Common hcs but hey I never said I wasn’t basic skdjksjdks

cw for. Everyone. Yeah kdjfksjdks

Hajime…..I like to think he’s slightly buff? Maybe that’s not the right word. Toned? Idk, I hc that he jumps around hobbies a lot because he wants to find something he’s good at, so that includes sports. I like the idea that a few stick with him, like swimming and basketball. I imagine he also has light scrapes and scars on his legs from falling, both with skateboarding and general Clumsy Shit.

Also this one switches a lot but with Trans Hajime, I can see him with top surgery scars.

Oh ah, I like freckled Hajime!! It’s cute. This one goes with the sports hc, but I like the idea that he’s kinda tanned. Entirely unrelated but I also like the idea that he has calluses from playing guitar.

Chiakiii!! She’s soft bc I said so. Specifically her thighs, arms and stomach + some stretch marks. And moles all over. Projecting big time onto a cute fictional girl, call that self care <333 /j

uhh other than that, I imagine she has bags under her eyes from staying up late gaming. Also tan Chiaki my love. Shh I know she probably doesn’t go outside for days on end. In my defense I tan easily and I imagine she does too. Again with the projection. Shhhh

Oh oh!!!! I forgot to mention but!!!! Chiaki gets a ton of moles. I saw the boob mole and went !!!!!! fellow mole haver!!!!!! and went nuts. This is the one weird niche entirely irrelevant thing that can get me to like a character, just. Being able to point at them and jump up and down with joy over them also having moles. Idk why it’s just therapeutic <33

Nagito’s bony. Skinny mf. Could probably cut cheese with his elbows. Maybe grate it on his collarbones. Cuddling with him would be a fight to see if you can find a position that doesn’t end with something poking you in the gut. I mean this affectionately, he’s bony as shit but he’s my bony fucker <3

Pale asf, sunburns if he’s in the sun for more than two minutes. His eye bags could hold the entirety of his life’s trauma. Sharpest features ever. Sometimes I hc that he looks greasy, and other times I hc that he looks ethereally pretty in a ghostly way. Either way he always looks like he’s had the soul sucked out of him by a Dementor.

You can probably definitely see the veins in his hands. They’re. Very There. Also I’ve brought this up before but he definitely has big ass hands. L a r g e hands, all the better to head pat you with. This was originally so much more pining but I decided no I’ve exposed myself enough on this blog skfjksjdkd

Oh last minute thing, I think he’d be tall as fuck. Specifically 6’0 or taller. Also he probably (definitely) has at least a few scars from his childhood, particularly that plane crash. And I like to think he has glasses when he’s older. I’m so sorry that his section is so long I have so many thoughts about him ;;;;;

Okay uhh Imposter? Mmm. Idk actually. I do think they’d have callused fingers but soft hands. Probably from having to adapt to using a ton of different talents for their Imposter Agenda. Also stretch marks probably, all over their body.

Teruteru uhhhhh. God. Can you tell I don’t think about some characters ;;;;; Idk I don’t have much that differs from canon. I like him. Oh but he probably has cook hands? Chef hands, whatever you wanna call them. Probably faint scars from cuts and burns from when he was still learning how to cook from his mama.

Mahiru……hmm well freckles obviously dkjfksjd. I think she’s tanned as well since I feel like she likes sunlit shots. Idk I don’t have much. I like to think she’s got a stockier body type though.

Also not necessarily her body but I like her with an undercut!

Peko’s buff <3 it’s canon <333 /j

N ee way yeah. Buff Peko my love. Also she probably has a few scars from handling her sword when she was younger and less experienced. I also feel like she would have contacts she wears when she trains bc fuck exercising with glasses

I don’t really have anything for Hiyoko until she gets her growth spurt. Afterwards, I imagine she’s tall and kinda thin? Mainly bc of fast metabolism probably, though when she’s older maybe she’d be a little less spindly.

I don’t know if her hair would be bleached or not, but if it were, I like the idea of her letting her actual hair color grow in. If not, I think Ibuki might help her try a few sections of dyed hair? Idk I just like the thought

Ibuki is a fellow bony bitch. I mean this lovingly. She’s skin and bone. Skeleton rocker lady

Probably tan, I imagine she spends a lot of time in the sun. She strikes me as a summer person. Oh, I also saw some art of Black Ibuki with vitiligo and loved that!! Also calluses from shredding guitar, obviously

Hmmm I like the idea that she rollerskates? So possibly some bruises or scars on her arms or legs from falling on concrete when she was still learning. Oh oh I imagine she has a ton of piercings!!! On her ears, nose, lips, brows, tongue, belly button…….maybe she has a split tongue too idk. Also she totally gets a ton of tattoos when she’s outta Hope’s Peak, prove me wrong.

Mikan uhhh. I like tall Mikan. She deserves the height. 5’8 to 6’0 Mikan good 👍

Hmm she probably has scars all over, particularly on her arms and legs. Uh. Idk I imagine she’s curvy probably. What do I say for her I don’t have anything skjdksjdks

I’m not even gonna lie I don’t have a damn thing for Nekomaru. Or. Wait nevermind here’s a concept: buff Nekomaru but like. If you’ve seen those wrestlers who have fat on them that hides some fucking crazy strength? Yeah that’s him. Also hairy asf.

Gundham……tall vampire vibes. I’d say he’s a stick but also I feel like he’s the slim type of muscular. Idk how to describe it. Shigaraki type muscle? Male gymnast. No nevermind those guys have visible muscle. Shigaraki type it is

Hmmm I think this is canon but probably a few scratches from his pets. His arms and legs mainly but I’m sure the Devas have scratched up his neck at some point or another. Just a little though. Also piercing fiend Gundham my beloved. I also like him having a couple tattoos when he’s older. Ibuki probably helped him heheh

I’m torn between Fuyuhiko being skinny as shit and Fuyuhiko being tiny and buff. I like both………hhh

His hair is probably bleached. Peko probably helps him re-dye it when his roots start growing in. I also like him having glasses

Uhhh tooth gap Fuyu’s cute. I used to have a super small one before I got my braces, I imagine it’s the same for him. Him, Ibuki, and Gundham are probably Tattoo Buds.

Kazuichi…..I want so bad to say he’s a weakling just to make fun of him but he’s a mechanic that probably works with heavy machine parts a lot and he probably has some sick biceps. But he probably also smells like hair dye, oil, metal, and Monster Energy. Win lose situation I guess.

I like to think he has a couple piercings? Not as many as Ibuki, but maybe he’s got like. Second or third place in the class. Also he totally filed his teeth to be sharp like that

Akane!! Buff lady, could probably deadlift me or something. She’s definitely got some scars from running around, especially when she was first learning parkour. Ummm oh, I like to think she has a chipped tooth or smth like that from falling roughly as a kid.

Soniaa <33 in my heart she will always be tall and have at least some muscle. Novoselic is a war country if I remember correctly, she’s definitely got some military training in her.

Idk why but her with heterochromia just popped into my head. That pretty greenish blue gray that she has + maybe brown or hazel? I think that’d be cool. And hip dips.

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bisexualamy · 3 years

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hi. hello. i've only been following you for a short while, so apologies if there's already a post about it somewhere on your blog, but would you be willing to expand on duck newton a little bit? the thing is that i'm terribly stupid and i feel like i see your point but don't know. why exactly...

Hi! There’s not one comprehensive post about it but I’m more than happy to make this one it. And don’t beat yourself up!! I think some of this does come from “I am a trans man and his experience resonates with me” and personally, I think that being an argument for identifying someone as gay/trans/queer coded is valid. But that’s not, imo, the only reason why many folks (including myself) really see Duck as a trans man. So here are a few more. Spoilers for the ending of TAZ: Amnesty ahead.

Goes by a nickname & treats revealing his “actual”/proper/non-nickname name as a sign of intimacy - I think this is the most obvious one but the way that Justin plays it gives it a genuine quality that really fits with Duck being trans. I love the exchange between Duck and Aubrey where she asks for his name, he replies “Duck” and when she presses him he says “we’re not there yet” and she says “we’re not at names?!”

Names being an intimate symbol is not exclusive to trans folks, but for many of us, choosing our names is often a literal and symbolic first step towards redefining the lens through which the world sees us. This time, in a way we want to. Duck’s earnest insistence that no, he is Duck, and that’s enough, comes off as very trans. So much so, that I wasn’t sure initially how I felt about his name reveal to Minerva in the finale. But the more I sat with it, and after my Amnesty re-listen, I think it actually puts a really fine point on this.

Choosing a name for yourself is really vulnerable. From what we know about Duck’s past, it really sounds like Duck has gone by Duck since he was a kid. Juno has known Duck since they were both teens, at least, and she’s always called him Duck, even in flashbacks. Duck remarks in another flashback that his mom doesn’t like the name Duck, yet he still insists on using that name. To me, it’s very easy to take a trans reading of Duck here. Duck has had clear discomfort with his birth name since he was a kid, whether or not he realized it was for a trans reason. He starts going by a nickname very early on, and later chooses a more traditionally male name (Wayne) as his legal name when he transitions. But in a sense, he was Duck before he was anything else. Revealing the secret name he chose for himself to Minerva, in this reading, just makes that an even more intimate moment.

Part of an alternative subculture as a kid - this is somewhat anecdotally based, but we know Duck was a skater and kind of a punk as a teenager when he was going through his own period of self-discovery. Alternative subcultures are often refuges for lgbt and gnc folks as teens, because they can be safe spaces for alternate gender expression. For me, being part of the pop punk/emo subculture as a kid gave me a lot more freedom to experiment with gender neutral and masculine gender presentation. I see Duck’s past as a skater and a punk a good parallel for this. We also know that Duck had kind of a fraught adolescence, and this was an outlet for him. I think this reading is even stronger when you consider him as a trans character, trying on the identities of different subcultures in parallel to understanding his own gender identity. His character arc redefining his identity as the chosen one is a genuinely great parallel for the trans gender euphoria, self acceptance, and taking an active role in reshaping one’s identity - this is absolutely my favorite one. Duck’s literal journey as the chosen one works really well as a metaphorical trans narrative, and I honestly think it strengthens his character arc to read him as a trans character redefining what it means to be the chosen one. Duck is caught between who he is as part of the Kepler community and who he is as the chosen one in an interstellar war. And his character arc is finding what it means to be all of these things and also Duck. From a young age, Duck is told he’s the chosen one, and his whole life is redefined in front of him. He’s very resistant to accepting this fact. What will this mean for his family? What will this mean for him and his future? What if he doesn’t want this? Why him? Who picked him? What if I don’t want all this baggage? Can I please give this to someone else? His first scene with Minerva is very reminiscent of the first moment of “wait, am I trans? What does that mean? Who am I, actually? I don’t want this.” Many trans folks, myself included, sort of know they’re trans before they know they’re trans. In our transphobic society, it’s a lot easier to just not be trans. It sort of sits there in the back of your mind, and sometimes you can ignore it, sometimes you even forget about it, but it inevitably always comes back. Because to ignore you’re trans is to ignore the truth of your life. The same thing happens to Duck and his identity as the chosen one. Minerva literally reappears to him throughout his life to remind him that he can’t run from his destiny, as much as he tries to shut her out. Duck even goes through periods of accepting “hey, maybe this chosen one thing isn’t so bad” only for something to go a bit wrong and him to completely reject it again. Minerva gives Duck Beacon, and for a moment he’s like “hey, this is kind of cool” before his destiny scares him and he falls back into what the hell am I doing and eventually gives Beacon to Ned. He shuts away a symbol of the identity he’s running from, much like a trans person might hide objects or experiences that give them gender euphoria, because to accept them is to start to accept the truth of who you are. I also like this reading because it makes Leo Tarkesian a great parallel for older trans mentors. Leo lived the life of the chosen before Duck. He’s gone through this all before and now his role is to keep Duck safe and make sure he safely comes into his own identity as the chosen one. The found family? The generational mentorship? The fact that Leo and Duck talk about the emotional weight of being chosen in a way Duck can’t really express with others? Even Minerva? Very trans. When Duck stops running from who he is he realizes he might actually like being the chosen one. When he loses his abilities, he realizes he misses them. But the solution isn’t to just become what Minerva tells him. The solution isn’t to just abandon all of his principles and values, abandon everything that makes Duck Duck and transform into the model of a chosen one. Duck won’t kill anybody. Duck chooses to make decisions with arguably worse outcomes for himself to avoid killing anybody (like saving Billy the Goatman). Duck gets to define what it means to be Duck The Chosen. He won’t settle for anything less. This, to me, is a really awesome parallel for not just accepting one’s gender but accepting oneself and your experiences of gender, and making it your own until it feels euphoric. Two other quick things that are more my opinion than textual analysis:

Duck’s brand of a softer masculinity made me feel euphoric as a trans man and it’s a kind of masculinity I see a lot of trans men aspire to have. Yes, not all trans men are masculine in this way. However, I think the gentle streak in his masculinity codes him as this type of trans man. This great thread goes into more depth on that.

Duck is characterized quite strongly as a staple of the Kepler community. He knows everybody and they all know him and they all call him Duck. It’s just, “that’s our Duck.” That’s a wonderful thing for me as a trans person, to see a community come together around accepting a trans person they’ve known all his life, and certainly known since before his transition. That just makes me happy. 

This was long but I hope it helped better understand why Duck is so important to me as a trans character! Thank you for the ask. I had a lot of fun writing this up.

#taz #taz amnesty #taz meta #taz amnesty meta #duck newton #hailing frequencies open #okay to reblog #long post ///#my meta #Anonymous

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alexlabhont · 3 years

Text

I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

Chapter eleven

Book: Queen B - Choices (Universe)

Pairing: Poppy Min-Sinclair x Trans!Male MC (Beck Hughes)

Genre: Canon re-write (Because I can)

Rating: Anyone can read it, really

Tags: @dopeyouth @theymakemegayer @save-me-the-last-dance @poppysmc (If anyone want to be tagged in or removed, just tell me)

This is me trying to write by and for the Trans community, specially FTM community, meaning, trans guys, but I actually took the liberty to use They/them pronouns for everyone out there who´s interested (Also, the name Beck was the most neutral one I could find, trying to use the cannon Bea Hughes)

If you have any comment, PLEASE BE RESPECTFULL and patient with me. This is also my first english fanfic and english is not my mother language, so… i’m sorry fo the grammar errors. I also installed recently Grammary, so… hope its worth it.

This chapter contains some sensitive topics about tragedies and sex insinuations, I really didn't want to write it down with details both out of respect. I mean, personally, I didn't want to explain what's "under" in a fanfic, but if you do have doubts or curiosity, ask away in chat, especially if you are starting hormones, there is a lot for you to know about down there because it definitely changes something. Also, this other topic might touch a nerve and I really didn't do it without respect to the victims, so I'm sorry if it feels like that.

Previously

----

Staten Island it’s the third-largest borough in New York, but it is the least populated. The northern part of the island is the most urbanized, with some areas of somewhat decayed housing blocks that didn’t attract attention at all. It was… ok? quiet? She wasn’t sure exactly what to say about that place, but what was another thing she wasn’t sure about? Well...

“Are you not going to tell me what are we doing?” Poppy asked once again, feeling irritated as they both walked through the breeze but warm streets. At first, she thought they were taking the bus but Beck asked something to a random guy and started walking for a really, really long time, what was all this about? Beck looked tense, kind of nervous, and that alone made her feel strange, unnerved. "Are you alright?" Poppy asked again, but this time she sounded worried.

"Yeah, I'm just…" They exhaled in an attempt to draw their nerves away from themself. "I'm pretty nervous. I've never done this before." Beck chuckled.

"Do what?" Poppy frowned, curiosity floating in her mind strongly, to be honest, she had never seen them so tense before, even though they were trying to look calm. Beck smirked and took her by the hand.

"Come on, I have to show you something."

"Is it too far?"

"Are you already tired?" Beck replied, mocking her with that sassy smile of theirs.

"Me? Absolutely no." She said, raising an eyebrow. "I could literally go for miles."

"I'll have to prove that myself." Beck winked and she couldn't help but laugh.

"You're a dimwit."

"Yeah" they shrugged. "I'm cute, though.”

“Barely.” She rolled her eyes, trying to suppress a smile but failing in the process so Beck laughed at it. Suddenly an unexpected drop felt swiftly in her nose, making her look up to the sky where a big, grey cloud was still above their heads. Soon, she felt raindrops in her hair, her clothes, her shoes!

“Oh, shoot. This is not good…” Beck said while they both walked faster, reaching out for cover in a shop awning.

“You think? These Jimmy choo are not even in the market yet!”

“Well, we don’t want them to be ruined, don’t we?."

"Of course not! What kind of dumb ques—"

Poppy didn't get to end the sentence, Beck took her by the wrist and started running full speed and nonstop. "Beck!" She screamed, the rain pouring down her body while that asshole laughed like a devilish kid. "Beck Hughes, let go of me this instant!!"

"We're almost there!" She heard them saying without turning to see her.

"Where are you taking me?!"

Beck slowed down little by little until they both stopped in front of a tiny, old, yellow house with barely two floors. Beck took the keys out of their pockets and opened the door, allowing Poppy to get inside the dark and quiet place.

“So… here we are.” Beck spoked turning on the lights.

The place that received them was the living room, but it was not an ordinary living room, it had neon lights currently exposing a purple color, a keyboard piano, a couple of guitars, and an old-fashioned mended couch with a lot of patches over black leather that actually looked really well together. The walls were exhibiting posters, framed cool landscape black and white photographs, and a Youtube silver plaque. She recognized the place right away.

“Wait… this is the place where you record your music.” She asked. Poppy watched Beck’s videos a lot recently at first the blonde was searching for information, then, to find a flaw to criticize with Chloe, but sooner rather than later Poppy found out… Beck was actually a really good musician, so sometimes when she was completely sure she was alone she’d listen to their songs while doing cardio or homework or whatever she was doing. “I was wondering where you found the location.”

“Yes… but also no. I mean, I do the videos here, but I have an audio booth upstairs. It’s actually a quiet neighborhood so it came in handy.” Beck took off their jacket, reaching out their hand to ask for Poppy’s. They both were wet, but not a lot, her shoes survived perfectly because they entered the house before a loud thunder sounded, followed by a deluge. “Damn, we do really dodge a bullet out there.”

“Yeah.” Poppy said, hugging herself. Without her coat, she felt a little cold. “Do you own this place?”

"No, this is my uncle’s." Beck whispered with reverence and a sad smile on their face. "My dad's little brother. He passed away."

"I— I'm sorry, Beck…" she managed to say, clueless about what exactly would someone do in this kind of situation.

"I didn't remember much about him, but my mom says he used to make these guitars out of plastic bottles as gifts for me to play them. She said I would go to the kitchen and play one for her to hear. She also said the sound was awful and she begged him to stop making them." Beck's smile was soft, turning on the heating, proud even though they were chuckling a little, spreading the same smile to Poppy. " 'I'm telling you, this little pal has talent.' he would say."

"Sounds to me like he made it to annoy your mom instead." Poppy said jokingly.

"Totally, he was a prankster." Beck replied, the emotions coming out from their eyes were difficult to tell. "And was one of the few dudes back at Farmsville that didn't want to settle down. The black sheep in every family… and the reason why my parents didn't want me to be here." Beck clutched their jaw, walking away from there to the kitchen. Poppy followed them in silence, feeling like it was something very private for Beck, seeing that vulnerable side of them again, but not hiding this time. "He was murdered years ago here in New York in a shooting. In Farmsville shootings don’t happen, so… They said it was dangerous going out of the farm to the big cities. That he brought this on himself... Took this out of the wrong way." The anger in Beck's voice was palpable in the air.

"Seriously? How can they be so selfish?" Poppy asked, how can someone be so fucking self-centered and dumbass to take a tragedy and blame it on one family member? She thought these things happened exclusively around that bunch of tight-ass people inside her parents’ social circle, but not inside a family farm.

"Back at home is different from here. Is a small town where everyone knows each other. They love routine and hard work and the good customs and shit… So when anyone goes against it… well— it's not funny."

Something clicked inside Poppy's mind.

"But then… How are you here?" Beck smiled but it didn't reach out to their sad eyes.

"Because I almost got killed."

Shock. Poppy couldn't help but feel agitated, her heart pounding loud against her chest and that same protective feeling that almost made her stab Bennett crawled its way towards her own core.

"What?" Poppy babbled, froze. Beck shrugged, with a weird grin as if they didn't know where to start, they caressed their neck, searching for the better way to put the puzzle together. They reach out for Poppy's hand, and she took it right away intertwining her fingers with Beck's.

"Coffee?" They asked. "It seems we will be stuck in here for a while.”

"It sounds nice." The words abandoned her mouth so fast that she even surprised herself, another red alarm ringed inside her mind, but now was not the time, so she ignored it again. Beck smiled and turned on a little coffee maker, bringing two mugs in silence. They both sat down on the surprisingly comfortable couch, Beck’s eyes were attentive at the black drink and the tension was still over their shoulders, she could see it so easily that Poppy wished for someone to take that weight out of Beck, so she took both cups and put them aside, sitting over Beck’s lap and intertwining her fingers with theirs, playing with them. Beck smiled a little and took a deep breath.

"I started to realize something was off inside of me when I was in high school. I mean, ‘till that day I was considered normal. I was the kind of child that played sports, climbed trees, and did hard work gladly. You know, average farm kid." Beck said, but even as they seemed to be calm, Poppy could feel the sweat in their palm, and a little shivering all over their body. "But I grow older and changes came, and puberty and—"

"Hey" Poppy stopped them from talking faster and faster. "You don't have to"

"I want to. " Beck interrupted, begging Poppy with their eyes. "I want you to know my past. I mean… if you want me to tell you, that is."

Poppy could have thought anything at that moment. She could have thought that she made it, that she had accomplished her very goal and knew she was about to have first-hand information to use against Farmsville, that she was spectacular for making it this far. She could have thought that now nobody would take her number one spot from her, or that she loved to have a new puppy to use in any way she wanted. But no.

All in what she could think about was Beck's heart opening up to her, trusting her for real this time. The connection intertwining both of them in a way that made her skin chill. Third alarm, but she muted it again.

"So? What are you waiting for? Go on." Poppy rolled her eyes, Beck had a goofy expression for a couple of seconds until Poppy smiled, squishing slightly their hands for reassurance. Beck's eyes glowed happily in which was the cutest gesture Poppy saw from someone that wasn't a dog in her entire life.

"I managed to handle myself a little for a while, but it definitely didn't last long. I was so afraid, I felt lost, and insecure. I didn’t know what was happening to me, why did I feel that way, trapped in my own skin... I stopped having friends because everyone could see how weird I was and nobody wanted to talk to me, except for this one girl: Bree Matthews."

Beck’s jaw tightened, their eyes wandering all over the place because of the nervousness.

“So, Bree and I started to hang out. Chill some time round. We were close, I mean, really, really close. She was the one who I told about my dysphoria first, and she was totally supportive. She helped me understand what I was going through, sometimes she would borrow her brother’s old clothes to give them to me and helped me pick my very first short haircut. Bree was my safe space in a town where I’d be mistreated just to use a bathroom. I kinda felt for her… so one night into the forest I kissed her. And~ it wasn’t a good idea.”

“What happened?”

“Well~ Daniel and his gang came into the picture and intimidated her, so she sold me as a pervert, a weirdo, among other… awful things. Can’t blame her, Daniel was a wrecked truck whenever he wanted so… yeah. My family found me eight hours after, all beat up from head to toes. I was unconscious and with an actually broken rib.” Beck tried to joke, but it was so bad at timing it actually made it worse for Poppy to hear. “I~ I almost die.” Beck sighed, as if with that they could put all that behind. “Anyway so she apologized to me through a phone call because she wanted to kiss me too but, you know, shit happens; I got better and now I’m in New York doing what I love so… Happy ending, right? It was funny, they didn’t let me use the bathroom but they all thought I was “male enough” to beat the crap out of me ever since.”

Poppy stopped playing with Beck’s hands, making them do the same. They told the end of the story so lightly as if they were talking about a T.V. show they just watched and not some really cruel harassment they went through for a long time. The strawberry blonde was a lot of things, bad things, but the things that beast did to Beck just because of their dysphoria? That was a whole new level that Poppy would never stoop into.

“How can you joke about things like that?”

“Well, I figured I had two ways to address the problem: Being insecure or making the most out of this. That’s why I do music. Yeah, my songs don’t talk about the transgender community directly, but I make sure everybody knows who am I. What I am. I write songs for people out there that feel just the same as I do. Not only transgender people, but the whole LGBTQ+ also needs representation! Folks having their back! And if I can reach at least one soul and show them that no matter how they were born, they can make it… Hell, I could die happily.”

The fire in their eyes, the passion radiating strongly from their body, from their words. It was impossible for Poppy to look away from Beck. Of course, Beck didn’t care about a spot in the T list, or and stupid award. Beck was more into their music, making their voice be heard. That was why they did claim to care less about competition, Beck was climbing their way to the top because of their conviction and resilience. It was curious how the more she learned about Beck, the more she felt drawn to them.

“You are so brave, do you know that?”

“And it only took me a delicate rib and trust issues.” Beck claimed proudly as if it was a bargain.

“Trust issues? Beck, you’re one of the most confident people l know!” They began to laugh, the blonde could feel their laughter below her because of the slight belly-shaking. “It’s irritating.”

“I am really amazing myself.” Poppy rolled her eyes at the flirty smirk Beck flashed towards her. “But I’m not insecure about myself… most of the time. I do have a hard time trusting in people. I mean, Daniel didn’t have a hold on me… Bree, on the other hand…” Beck shrugged. “But I do trust you, Poppy.”

Something inside the blonde felt off, those words accompanied by that good-natured smile made Poppy feel a bit guilty. Like, yeah, she was just trying to archive exactly that for her own benefit, it should feel like a win, right? But no.

“You haven’t done anything wrong, yet.” She said to herself. “For all we know, this is just some casual date.”

Maybe… give up? Maybe actually try and date Beck?

What could possibly go wrong?

“I trust you too, Beck.” She replied without a doubt. So she tossed her golden locks over one shoulder, leaning down to kiss Beck’s lips. She soon felt them kissing her back, sweetly, calmly at first but then it was obvious they both needed more than that. Poppy let go of Beck’s hands to place hers in their Beck, while they grabbed her by the waist. The heat soon took over her body, especially after they responded to it by biting Poppy’s bottom lip, making her moan. Poppy knew right away there was a change in Beck’s behavior, they were more confident, more secure, they actually felt ready and she had to say, that was a very welcome and pleasing development. But they were shaking still.

“What 's wrong? You don’t want to—?”

“No. No, it 's not it. It 's just…” Beck took a deep breath avoiding Poppy's gaze for a second before looking at her pleading while keeping hold on her. “I don’t want you to see me differently when you look at what I have beneath the clothes.” They confessed.

“I won’t. I promise.” She said, caressing the hair in the back of their nape. “This is just you, with all letters.” She smirked, trying to lighten the mood and she succeeded. Beck grinned from ear to ear, relieved, kissing her passionately, hungry and the Poppy did the same, tasting their tongue with hers. The caresses between the two became more intense and she couldn’t stand the fever growing anymore, so she took the edges of their favorite black t-shirt and pulled up, revealing Beck torso for the very first time.

She understood right away what Beck meant. Cutting through their chest there it was a thin, darker line, a scar that was slowly healing, but nevertheless it was there easy to pinpoint. It was strange, she had seen a lot of those mastectomy scars on google but Beck chest looked different somehow, strong, gym crafted, and the scar actually was interesting, sexy even.

“I don’t know what you were so scared of, Hughes. Hell, you’re hot as fuck, I hate you.”

Beck chukled, their confidence coming back.

“Yeah, well… There is not an ugly part on this body afterall.” They grinned.

“I’m going to erase that obnoxious smirk of yours.”

“You will?” Beck grabbed a hold on Poppy’s hair and pulled slightly but demanding backwards, exposing her neck to them to kiss and lick, causing a shaking sigh that turned the heat even higher for both. “Show me then.” They whispered over her skin, their breath brushing bristling her body.

Poppy pushed them down on the couch, kissing them hardly. This was war now, and she would definitely win.

----

#my writing #poppy min sinclair #queen b choices #poppy x mc #choices stories you play #choices #choices poppy #bea hughes #mc x poppy #beck hughes #choices queen b mc #trans #ftm

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recurring-polynya · 3 years

Note

I have to say I knew that at one point renji, ikkaku, yumichika and iba were in the same squad with kenpachi but good god you managed to paint a beautiful picture for me. I simply assumed that for them it was simply party time all the time along with a few bald jokes but this is much better. Emotionally healthy squad 11 which still love fighting more than anything. I always cringed when someone would just describe them as hooligans that do nothing but fighting. I mean they do that too but I love the idea that they are all emotionally healthy and mature, a loving and supportive family to their own - in their own wakka doodoo kind of way thats endearing - and of course they are in my opinion they single capable force against sexisim. Because they don't care about anything else - gendere, sexuality, gender performances, race, mentality or anything - other than if you fight good you respectable and if you fight good in squad 11 you family. ( like when kenpachi just became captain he made yachiru his lieutenant and no one was against it no one thought it was beneath them, sure thru nag at her sometimes but that's mostly in a banter like way because she call them stupid nicknames but no one hates her for being unrightfully their superior. One day they got a new captain and a new lieutenant that's a child and they just went with it.) I admit their disdain and disrespect to squad 4 is still frowned upon but I do believe some squad 4s can handle their own, it's just that we saw the really peaceful ones. Anyways sorry for ranting. Just wanted to say that yeah, I really like how the past squad 11 with iba and renji in it was a great place in general. I think if they found out some one was being sexist - for whatever reason - they would be there right next to nanao - or iba's mom protesting. Kenpachi and yachiru as well. And that makes me want to be squad 11 ,despite not being much for fighting, so bad.

So, for starters, thanks! I try to have fun whenever I write Squad 11, and I’m glad you enjoy my take on them.

My Squad 11 is just... really not very canon, though. Canon Squad 11 is actually pretty gross and sexist. Yumichika is transphobic, Kenpachi makes homophobic remarks about Yumichika, they bully Squad 4, there’s a filler episode devoted to a guy that Ikkaku bullied for, like 100 years because the guy lost his reiatsu saving Ikkaku’s dumb ass.

When you write fanfic, you occasionally run into these more problematic aspects of the source media, and you can choose to dig in and analyze them, or just... remake them in your own way. Take for example, Gin. If you read fanfic about Gin, there are some people who will peel away the layers of him and his fears and insecurities and still make him be a horrible gremlin, and it’s really stellar writing. Other people prefer to write him in an AU where maybe less bad stuff happened to him, and he’s more mischievous than sociopathic, and this is a less meaty interpretation, but it’s also more fun. Sometimes fanfic is a meal and sometimes it’s candy. It fulfills different needs and different fantasies and all of it is welcome.

Yumichika, who for me is the fulcrum of Squad 11, presents this problem. I really don’t like the way his “appreciation for beauty” plays out in canon. He doesn’t actually appreciate beauty, he just likes telling other people they’re ugly. I don’t think he’s ever pointed out beauty in anyone else aside from himself or his zanpakutou. I remember the first time I watched his fight with Charlotte and it struck me as so off -- why wouldn’t he find her beautiful? I mean, I know it’s a transmysogynistic joke, that’s why, men dressed as women is funny, hurr hurr, but Yumichika is gender nonconforming himself. This was an opportunity to make a cool character point, and Kubo took the cheap laughs road instead. Going back to what I said last paragraph, a skilled writer could, in theory, write about his insecurities and his brittleness and meanness and write a pretty compelling story, but a) Kubo certainly doesn’t, and I have never actually found a Yumichika-centric fanfic of this nature, and b) this doesn’t fit the role I need him to play in my stories. I am rarely really interested in writing about Squad 11 for its own sake. I like to write them as a backdrop for the period of Renji’s afterlife where he hit absolute rock bottom and bounced back up again. We already know the role Ikkaku played in this, except that Ikkaku is a complete moron in terms of mental health, and I really, really felt like this is where Yumichika needed to come in.

I like to massage Yumichika’s character a bit, but I do want to keep the flavor of some of his character flaws-- he’s still shallow and mean and judgy, and I love that for him, but I like to add in a positive side to his appreciation for beauty. Having Yumichika make fun of Izuru’s pores is funny but it’s even funnier if he’s just given Renji a compliment on his hair first. The idea that a Yumichika compliment is attainable makes all his drags the more vicious. Yumichika also judged people by their beauty instead of their moral character, which is humorous to me. He dislikes Byakuya as a person, but is obsessed with his haircare regime. I like to have him treat Rangiku as an equal, beauty-wise, and a person whose opinion he respects based on her aesthetic. Rangiku is actually a pretty savvy and very emotionally intelligent person whom many people write off because she likes to present herself as a lazy airhead, so in an extremely convoluted way, this all works out. I like to think that Yumichika’s ideas of beauty are also caught up in boldness and risk-taking and having one’s outward presentation ring true to their inner self. To me, this is the core of why he loves Ikkaku. To him, Ikkaku’s devotion to doing the most Ikkaku thing at all times, no matter how stupid, is irresistibly sexy.

Aside: At some point, I decided that the fact that a lot of people in Bleach have colorful marks on their faces and elaborate hairstyle and accessory games implied that make-up in Soul Society is gender neutral. I like to think there is actually more of a divide between the nobility, who like their make-up to follow rules and be classy, and, well, Squad 11, who like to get make-up ideas from Jem and the Holograms. I don’t even wear makeup (I don’t know how and it’s expensive and I am ashamed of myself, we can talk about my own gender presentation later) but I like to write about both my male and female characters wearing make-up. I don’t actually know how my readers feel about it, but it just falls under the “Is that what people want?”/“It’s what we do” philosophy of all my writing.

I think one of the theses of my writing is that middle management is more important to the character of a squad than the person at the top. Captains sort of act as ideals to strive for, but they are generally unapproachable for one reason or another. Yachiru is more like her captain in this respect (which makes sense, since she is, in fact part of her captain). Ikkaku and Yumichika present this dual idea that 1) strength is awesome, fighting and being the best is awesome, and 2) part of strength is presenting yourself to the world in a bold and confrontational way. (The fact that both of them are hiding huge parts of themselves is laughably ironic). Kenpachi and Yachiru are shining examples of Do Whatever You Want and Be So Strong That No One Can Stop You.

What really makes this work is that you need someone one layer down-- does anyone actually subscribe to this nonsense, and that’s why Iba - Abarai Squad 11 is Best Squad 11. I really, really enjoy the genre of Reddit posts where a total bro will find out that his girlfriend is trans and react by becoming a vehement advocate for trans rights. I love the bodybuilders typing encouragement to each other meme. Our world is flooded with disingenuous messages from concern trolls trying to tell us why being kind and inclusive to one another is bad or that you should reject help because struggle makes you stronger and the idea of a Himbo looking at something like that and saying “that seems dumb" is delightful to me.

I actually feel like there are a lot of awful people with bad ideas in Squad 11, it’s just that Renji and Iba don’t put up with their shit, and over time, that becomes the culture of Squad 11. I think that Squad 11 has incredibly turnover, but the ones who stay are the ones who subscribe to the ideas you mentioned-- fighting is what matters, if you wanna go argue about shit, go join Squad 5. In the IkkaYumi story I wrote, which happens shortly after Zaraki takes over, a ton of people leave. The Bount Arc (which I know a lot of people skipped) features a dude who was extremely pissed off because he had liked the old Kenpachi and thought Zaraki sucked and was so mad about it that he betrayed Soul Society. You might think that this arc would feature Zaraki caring about this in some way shape or form, but he really didn’t. So, I think there are a lot of Soul Reapers that took issue with serving under a little girl as a vice captain, they just aren’t in Squad 11 anymore.

Oh, one last note on Iba’s mom. I am of an age where a number of my friends have mothers who were Second Wave Feminists. The moms in question are a real mixed bag, because they Came From a Different Time, and on one hand, you have to respect what they went through, and on the other hand, they are very difficult to get along with. I liked the idea that Iba has always chafed against his mom and her big personality, and then Renji comes in, and is like, “hey, your mom is strong as hell and she has a lot of ideas that I never thought of but they make sense” and Iba realizes that, even though she’s still a huge pain in his ass, his mom is the person who made him who he is. Moms are complex.

Uhhhh, I have definitely lost the thread of wherever I was going with this post. Thank you for enjoying my Squad 11, which is nothing like canon Squad 11. Hopefully maybe this year, I will actually finish my Squad 11 Self Care story, where Renji stops being a drunk disaster person after Yumichika teaches him how to fill his brows; I got stuck on a part where Rangiku gives Renji a talk on ethical sluttery.

#squad 11 #sometimes i look at Things I Have Wrought and pull a full Talking Heads style 'how did i get here?'#my squad 11 stuff is my absolutely weirdest most bonkers writing #i am glad people seem to like it #just trying to find some meaning in this hot mess #i think i blame The Toast

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new-tella-us · 3 years

Text

Komahina Oneshot

Komahina ft. Trans Hajime. Another Tumblr inspired post. The tumblr account is catboymoments. Gotta give credit where credit is due.

If you didn't know that this is very gay and trans then idk how you got here but I'm happy to have ya.

But seriously, this has some pretty big trigger warnings

- Gender Dysphoria

- Complicated pregnancy

- Mentions of abortion

-PTSD

Anyways Onto the Oneshot!

Wow! I'm Pregnant! We're gunna have a happy family! Except...I'm a guy.

I feel horrible... This has been going on for about three days now. Mornings are the worst. I can't tell why. It's starting to worry Nagito and it's not like I can fake it, I tried. You can't fake puking. I can at least fake being somewhat lively.

...I need to get up. Need to get moving. Need to- Nevermind! I need to puke! Fuck... This feels disgusting. Maybe I should try and diagnose myself, or have Mikan help me. I felt a pat on my back; I knew it was Nagito but, I couldn't look at him while puking my guts out. When I finally finished desecrating the poor toilet I got up. I was sweating, pale and covered in whatever I managed to puke up on an empty stomach. I flushed the toilet and washed my face.

Nagito gave me a worried look. What was once an 'are you okay?' question turned into, "How are you feeling now?"

"I'm better," I responded. There wasn't much else to say, "I'll get this checked out soon, I'll just give it another day or two."

Nagito face turned stern, "Hajime, you need to get this thing checked out today! This has gone on for too long." He went out of the bathroom and grabbed his phone, "I'm calling Tsumiki-chan."

"Nonono! It's okay Nagito! I'll do it tomorrow! I can handle this myself!" I responded, a bit panicked. I never liked getting help from others, it didn't feel right to bother someone over something I can do myself.

"You said that yesterday. I'm calling Tsumiki-chan." He said in a more stern voice. I couldn't respond, there was no point in arguing with him when he's like this, plus; he's right. He made the call. I didn't hear Mikan's side of the call but, from what I can hear on Nagito's side, they made a time, 1 pm. He hung up and looked back at me, his glaze softened.

"Let's get you something to eat, okay?"

"Yeah," He smiles softly and gave me a small kiss on the forehead before leading me out of the house. But, while we were walking towards the cafeteria, a little voice told me something.

You know exactly what's happening.

I shook the thought away.

...

Breakfast was, mostly, fine. Only going to the bathroom once! Now, I have some time before I have to talk to Mikan. Nagito insists that I rest but I've gotten bored of doing that. I decided to just walk around the island. It was a really hot day and I was getting tired so, I couldn't walk for long. Huh, that never happens, I usually have more stamina than that... Maybe Nagito was right. Well, Nagito is usually right. Maybe I should just listen to Nagito more.

I started walking back, only taking a break to puke near a tree. Now, I'm really sweating, shaking too. I felt light-headed. Then, an unexpected helper appeared. She put my arm on her shoulder, behind her neck, her other hand supported me from my side. I didn't look up, I didn't need to. Her light orange kimono with scattered pink cherry blossoms gave away who she was.

"Hey Saionji..."

"Didn't listen to Komaeda again?" She knew it...

"Nope." I responded with as much satire I could muster.

"You're an idiot."

"Yup" Indeed I was but I could think about that a little bit more when my head wasn't spinning like crazy. Hiyoko helped me back to my cottage before leaving me to enter it myself. I opened the door and both Nagito and Mikan were sitting on the couch. I guess she came early.

"Hey guys, it seems like you were both waiting for me. Sorry about that."

"I-It's fine Hinata-san. So tell me a-about your condition. I've only seen g-glimpses of it" Mikan said.

So I explained. The morning sickness, the lack of energy and stamina. The fact that I can't even walk around the island without becoming pale and out of breath. Mikan thought about it and started checking her tablet. I assumed that she was looking up what this could mean before her eyes widen on something.

"I-I....I never knew this. Umm...I'll b-be right back." She seemed nervous as se got up and practically ran out of the house.

You know where she's going, you know what she's getting

There's that voice is again. I have no time for hallucinations or weird creepy messages.

...

Mikan returned after a few minutes with a little rectangular box in her hand.

"Welcome back, Tsumiki-chan. Now, are you going to explain why you suddenly freaked out like that and left?" Nagito said.

Mikan's gaze fell on me. Her look was almost unreadable. It's very unlike her.

"Hinata-san. Are you trans?" She asked bluntly.

"Wh-What?! What made you ask that??" I panicked. How did she know? How did she guess??

She turned her tablet to me; my profile was on it as was everyone else's. She pressed one of those special info buttons and a symbol appeared next to my profile picture.

The Female Sex Symbol...

Silence...

...Shit...

"I'm surprised that you didn't realize that this button exists. After all the creator of these tablets had a member who's entire case was solved because their sex was revealed." Mikan said. She always did have more confidence when she spoke facts. I didn't have anything to say, neither did Nagito. Mikan handed me the box; it was a pregnancy test.

"I w-won't ask. That's your b-business..." Her timidity returned. No, she won't ask because she'll get her answer depending on what I say or do. I could hand her back the test. I could lie and say I'm a virgin but, that wouldn't help me...

I got up and went to the bathroom...

...

......

...Are...Are you serious...? The test came back positive?! I...don't know how to feel about this... At least I know what's happening to me and probably why it's hitting me so hard.

...I feel too sick for this.

You knew this was coming.

'Izuru...not now. Please.'

You know you can't fully get rid of her.

'Who are you talking about?'

As if to answer my question, he materialized but not as himself. He materialized as a young girl. A girl that looks a lot like me.

'Fuck off, Izuru. You know that's not me...'

Is it not? It's who you once were.

'That was never me! She was someone else. Just a person of the past.'

And that way of thinking is what got you here. It's time for you to face the facts. You may be a boy but, you're not male. You forgetting that is why that test is positive. You took a chance, you were risky and here you are.

'We're done here.'

I was steaming. I couldn't listen to another word that fell out of that man's mouth. I needed to calm down. I took some deep breaths and left the bathroom. Mikan left but, Nagito was still there. I wasn't concerned with him knowing that I was trans, he already knew; he would have to know since he's...

"So, what happened? What did she give you? Are you okay?" he asked but, I had a feeling that he knew. I didn't want the mood to be sour. Having kids is supposed to be a good thing so, I wanted to lighten the mood with a pun.

"Well, I guess I should be invisible."

"...What? What do you mean?" He looked puzzled.

I looked at the pregnancy test. "Well, I'm a trans-parent." (Yes, I took this pun from the same tumblr user)

He looked at me, still puzzled, for a few minutes before he realized.

"...oh. Oh OH! You don't mean-" He looked happy, so happy. He gave me a hug, "Oh my god! I've always wanted to be a dad!"

He has? Great... Personally, I never wanted kids. I used to but, secondary school... changed me and showed me that really, I don't. But I can't just make a split second decision, he seem so happy...

"Yeah, but can we discuss this a bit more? I have my issues that I need to address."

His smile faded a bit "Uh sure"

We both sat on the bed of our room. I didn't know what to say. I don't know if I want to do this but, it would feel wrong just to abort with no conversation.

"So umm... Nagito. I...I don't know if I'm- we're ready to have kids. I guess I'm kind of worried?"

Tell him the actual reason, Hajime.

"I don't know what effect this might have on me and I'm scared that I might not be a great dad..."

Hajime...

"Is that the reason?" Nagito asked.

"...Yeah"

If you don't tell him, I will.

"..." I wasn't going to say anything but, Izuru kept on his threat. I lost control of my body.

"He has gender dysphoria" Izuru said, "So this pregnancy is reminding him of his uncertainty. The place he used to live in was not the most accepting of transgendered people"

Nagito fell silent, he was stunned. Damn it Izuru... did you have to be so blunt? I got control of my body back, I couldn't even look at Nagito, I felt so ashamed, I was putting my anxieties above a life. It felt...wrong. Or is it a life? It's a clump of cells but, it can become a life. I've been around too many mixed influences. I wish I knew which decision was the good decision.

Then again..

Is there truly a 'good' decision? On one hand, I'm killing a potential life and that will haunt me but, if I'm not ready to be a parent, I'm bringing a child into a world neither it nor I'm ready for and with a current war having, it's not like adoption is an option and, like Izuru said, it forces me to accept-

"Why didn't you tell me?" Nagito asked. He didn't sound mad, he sounded sad and even a bit guilty, I didn't answer, "I'm sorry if me saying that pressured you." He gave me a hug. I felt so guilty. "I can't say that I fully understand but, no matter what you choose, I'll be in your corner."

"I'm gunna give it a week or two then I'll make my decision," I said nearly in tears, "thank you for being so supportive."

...

It's been two weeks, I thought about it everyday. I was already two week pregnant so with another two weeks, the time for abortion via safe mentions was soon ending. I hesitated and swayed back and forth on my answer. I truly didn't know for a while. But, about two days before my decision I found myself sticking to an answer. I'll stick with this pregnancy. It might help me get over my gender dysphoria, maybe not fully but, somewhat? Plus, it's quite an efficient way to tell everyone that I'm trans. And who know, maybe I'm a better parent than I think I am and with Nagito, I feel like I can take it. It's sort of strange; I'm aware of all the health risks, the mental tax, the problems and possible sadness but, I feel like I can take it. I feel calmer know that I at least, have one person- well two people with Tsumiki, in my corner.

"I'm keeping it" I said with a hug.

"Really? You sure?" Nagito asked.

"Yeah, we're gonna be a family." I smiled, it wasn't fake.

But of course, like everything else in my life, it didn't come without complication. I was already pregnancy four weeks and was just feeling more exhausted. Another week had passed and I kept feeling worse. I didn't know why. I felt exhausted and cold. I was exhausted but not tired, not sleepy. I was awake and shaky. Nagito called Mikan again when he started to notice how pale I was getting. She said it was Iron Deficiency Anemia along with Hypertension. Two things that were really common in pregnancy. She gave me medication for it and it did help but not fully.

At about 8 weeks, I told the group about me being trans and about the child. Mikan recommended to do that instead of immediately because that's when the risk of a miscarriage goes down to less than 10 percent. The group was so happy to have two children born at similar times. Yes, two! Sonia and Gundham were having a kid as well. What a coincidence! Sonia insisted that we started talking more about it.

12 weeks in and everything has been going as smoothly as it can. There's still work, there's still complications, sleeping is an issue, I have been diagnosed with Insomnia, this pregnancy has also made me more dependent on Nagito and has given me more time to think and I don't know if I like that... But, everyone's been really supportive, they haven't treated me any different and because I have a bit more time, I can hangout with them more. I've learnt a lot more about Sonia. I knew a bit about her, like that she's into witchcraft and serial killer documentaries but, she was also into slice of life novels so, this was a dream of hers. How cute.

Weeks 16 - 30 can be summed up here. They all passed the same; excited conversations, preparations, fun little talks, work, insomnia, exhaustion, etc. What was really note worthy was while Nagito went out on a mission to the main lands, Makoto brought back a fluffy white dog, a Great Pyrenees puppy. We agreed to keep and so when Nagito came home, I surprised him with the dog. At first, he was silent, then he started crying; I was scared the he didn't like the dog but, that changed when he went up and hugged the dog, he was so happy. Apparently, this was the exact breed of the dog Nagito used to have. Wow, how lucky. He sat with it for hours before being willing to pry away from it and go to sleep. We decided to call her Lucy.

Fast forward to week 37, about 3 weeks before we thought I was due. I was pulling an all-nighter on this one project to have it done by tomorrow. I knew I was pushing myself but I was almost done, I wanted to free up my schedule so I can have more time with my baby. Nagito, however, was starting to get concerned.

"Hajime, it's really late. You should rest."

"I'm almost done, okay? I just need to finish this last assignment and I'll be in bed. Just give me about an hour." I said, trying to easy his concern.

"Alright.." He didn't sound too convinced but he did leave.

I continued to work on my project and the time flew by until in the middle of my assignment, my stomach really hurt, more than usual. Do you really need to kick that hard, Future Child? I tried to continues working but the pain would just come back worse every time. Maybe I should just go to bed... I tried to get up and walk back to my bedroom but the pain sent me down the floor, everything hurts...everything hurts...I couldn't even scream, I was in so much pain...I felt something wet trickle down and I knew what it was at this point. I didn't know what to do, I was crying. Was I going to die? Was I just going to have to give birth here and now? What can I do??

Then, my savior came into the room. No not Nagito, Lucy! She took one good look and me and went sprinting out the door. I could hear her barking and soon she seem back with Nagito.

"Hajime!! Are you okay!?"

I wanted to say something to something to that question; 'yes', 'no', 'shut the fuck up and call Tsumiki' but, I couldn't let out a sound. Luckily, he took the hint and called Mikan.

"Tsumiki-chan. I'm sorry to wake you but, Hajime may be going through contractions? Please help?!"

They talked for a bit, I could barely focus. I just remember Nagito carrying me to the bathroom while talking to Mikan. I don't know if she was just fast or if I blanked out for a bit but, Mikan was there before I knew it. They both briefly conversed before they got me dressed in a cheap, long white shirt and set me down in the bath. Mikan started sticking needles in me, I don't know what for and she was still talking to Nagito. She finally looked at me and told me to count my contractions and how often they happen. After each one (Because it hurts too much to talk during contractions) I would tell her, when she decided that they were regular enough, she grasped my hand a little and told me to take a deep breathe. I did. Then she told me to push.

That's when it hit me, this was happening now! Oh my god, I was not ready for this but, I don't have much of a choice. So I pushed. Oh god it hurts! I felt like my bones were breaking. She then told me to breathe again and I did, we repeated this until the water started to turn red with blood.

Blood...blood...

Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...Blood...

Blood? Did someone die? I felt like I was somewhere else. I was watching the murders of the student council again, so much blood...like a perfect quality horror movie, I saw them all murder each other clear as day, every person, every stabbing, every slicing, every shooting, all the bloodshed, clear as the day I first saw it. I never forgot any of their faces...

Then, as if it couldn't get worse...all the murders, all the executions...all the blood, clear as day. I was just watching, unable to do anything. Nagito...Chiaki... They were gone. Was my happy life all a dream? Is this the reality I'm truly in or am I hallucinating and this is the fake reality? I can't tell, I can't tell... I want out of this nightmare! I hear voices in the distance, at first I couldn't understand what they are saying but, as the voices got louder, I could slowly understand. Were they calling me? I got my answer.

"HAJIME!" Nagito shouted, dragging me back to reality. I panicked at the different scenery. My heart was pounding, threatening to rip out of my chest. I looked around to see where I was, I was in the bathroom. I couldn't keep my vision still.

Nagito cupped my cheeks, obviously trying to calm me down. "Hajime look at me, okay?"

I tried to focus my vision on him, his eyes full of panic and worry.

"You're having a panic attack. Whatever you saw, it's just an illusion. You're okay, I'm okay, everyone is okay. Please try to calm down."

My throat was dry and hoarse but, I took a deep breath. I continued to do that until I became calmer.

He smiled down at me "Good...good."

Mikan then piped up, "Komaeda-san, I'm sorry but, we do need to c-continue with this..." Then she got an idea, "If blood is a trigger to Hinata-san then can maybe he should just look at you instead. I'll still need your attention Hinata-san but, just keep l-looking at him."

"Yeah, that's a good idea." Nagito agreed. I just nodded. So Mikan continued with her instruction and I kept my eyes on Nagito. It made the birthing a little easier to see his smile and soon enough I did my last push, I felt a weight leave me and while I was still sore, it didn't hurt nearly as much anymore. That's when the fatigue washed over me. I could feel myself passing out already.

"Hey hey...um, I know you're tired but, can you stay awake just a little longer please? Just until Tsumiki-chan says it's okay. Please?"

I didn't want to, the work should be over by now but, I could do it. Voices faded in and out, I was barely able to concentrate. Then, Nagito gave me a kiss on the forehead.

"You did it Hajime! It's okay now, you can rest." His voice was quiet and soothing.

"...Great.." I replied groggily before falling asleep almost immediately after.

I fell into a deep, very needed sleep. It was relaxing for once. No dreams, no nightmares just, floating in the darkness. But, I had to wake up.

The sun was shining through the curtains, not too much sun but, just enough to give the room a bright warm haze. I still felt sore but, it was much better than last night. I sat up and yawned.

"Oh good morning, Sleepyhead." Nagito said, playfully. He was sitting right next to me, looking at me with a warm smile. "I was wondering when you were going to wake up."

I felt a bit out of it, it seemed so peaceful right now, I just wanted to bask in it for a while. I took the time to notice things around me, like the fact that I was wearing something different; it was one of Nagito shirts and my boxers. I also noticed a little crib in the far corner of our bedroom with what looks to be a baby inside.

"Do you want to see your child?" Nagito asked.

I could only nod. He got up and went to the crib, picked up the small child and came back to the bed. Handing me the child he said,

"Meet your new baby son"

I held the child gently in my arms and at that moment, everything became worth it. He woke up and looked at me. I was expecting him to cry but, instead he just giggles grabbed my finger. Now I'm the one whose crying!

Nagito chuckled, "Don't cry on the baby!" He said playfully but, he was crying too.

He gave me a kiss, "I love you, Hajime"

I returned it, "I love you too, Nagito"

We both held our son and I knew, deep in my heart, this was the right decision.

We're a family now!

If I got something wrong, please tell me. I really tried and I wanna get it right.

#danganronpa #danganronpa2 #hinakoma #komahina #Hajime Hinata #SDR2 Hajime #Nagito Komaeda #sdr2 nagito #trans hajime #family au

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meat--grindr · 3 years

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Hey, would you be willing to take some Martin Mathias headcannons with a trans male (ftm) s/o? Sfw and/or nsfw (if you write nsfw) is fine!! Thank youuuu!!!

Hi there! You’re the first person to ask for something, so I’m really excited and nervous about posting this! I’ve never written for Martin before, and I only just watched the movie for the first time a few weeks ago, so I’m sorry if it takes me a bit of time to get into the swing of writing him well. I am totally happy writing both SFW and NSFW, so you get both! Also, from one transman to another, if any term I use in this post makes you uncomfortable at all, please PM me and I will change whatever it is to suit your preferences better. There isn’t enough trans/slasher content out there and I don’t want mine to make anyone feel bad. Okay, with all that preamble out of the way, let’s write some head-canons!

Martin Mathias w/ a Trans-Male S/O.

SFW (These came out so much more like a story or scenario than actual head-canons. I got a little carried away. I tried to keep them more like head-canons in the NSFW section.)

• The first time he sees you, he’s shaking.

• It’s almost that time again, he knows. He knows it by the stinging of his eyes in the sunlight that streams through the shop windows. The wooden floor, polished to a shine, reflects the light, and carries with it a familiar pain which, much to his frustration, reaches him even at his gloomy perch behind the counter.

• He knows it by the way the hinge of his jaw aches with the need to stretch open and clamp down on a throat, a wrist, a thigh, anything. He swallows hard, throat working furiously in a vain attempt to quell the beast that lurks within—the drooling, snarling hunger that surges within his gut, howling for something warm and wet and red.

• The door swings open, bringing with it a rush of thick, muggy heat and the cheerful jingling of the store bell.

• A bolt of pain lances through his head at the noise. He doesn’t look up from the counter. It’s too bright, the bell is too loud; in his current state it’s almost too much to bear.

• His fingers grip the counter hard as whoever had opened the door approaches. The rough wooden edge digs into the flesh of his palms as he finds himself struggling to stay upright. The tapping of sneakers on the floor echoes in his skull, pain blooming behind his eyes, pounding in time with each footfall.

• “Hi,” It’s a man’s voice, young like him. This was odd considering most of the customers he saw were women of middle age or older. “I’m here to pick up an order for uh…” You trail off as you take in his appearance: the sweat on his brow, the tension in his shoulders, how he shakes as though he was cold, despite the sweltering heat. “Hey, are you okay?”

• He squints down at you, eyes narrowed against the light, and the world seemed in that instant to slow; the space between each intake of breath elongating into a tiny eternity.

• Even as he sees you there standing before him, sweating in the sunlight, grass stains on the knees of your jeans, a backpack slung easy over one shoulder, he sees something else: the same handsome young man, dressed in fine silk, a cravat knotted beneath his throat, a single white candle clutched in his hand. The man smiles, head cocked to one side, before turning away and darting into the shadows, leaving only his laughter behind.

• You wave your hand in front of his face and he blinks at you, eyes refocusing.

• “You look like you’re about to keel over.”

• He stares at you for a long moment, saying nothing. At length, he shakes his head.

• “Are you sure? Looks to me like a touch of heat-stroke. It’s hot enough for it.”

• Again, he merely stares at you for a long moment, before shaking his head.

• “Right. Well, drink some water for me a least, okay? It’d be a shame to come back tomorrow and find out you died.”

• His eyes remain fixed upon you as you give him the name on the order you were sent to pick up. “My grandmother,” you explain, “I’ve been coming up to visit her every summer since I was a little kid. No matter how much I change, this place never does. Guess it’s true what they say about small towns, huh?”

• His fingers tremble as he counts out your change with a deliberate care you can’t help but find endearing.

• “Except you…you’re new. Right?”

• He nods only once.

• “Well, new guy, it was nice to meet you. I’ll see you around.” You plucked the package off of the counter, the brown paper wrapping rough against your hands.

• That night as he stalks the streets, it is a different voice that calls to him, a different form he chases through the shadowed halls of his imagination, and a different face he pictures going slack with pleasure as teeth much sharper than those he possesses pierce the delicate flesh of a throat.

---

• You see him around town several times after that—running deliveries for the old man and fixing squeaky doors for lonely housewives. You’re sure to speak to him whenever you get the chance, though he never speaks back. More than once the thought has crossed your mind that perhaps he couldn't speak at all; and the longer you know him, the more you're convinced this must be the case.

• He’s leaning over a porch railing between two blue flower boxes bursting with dahlias, his expression relaxed but fond. An assortment of tools lay scattered about his feet, forgotten in favour of a friendly, if one-sided conversation nearly an hour ago.

• “I shouldn’t keep you from you work. Sometimes I swear I keep talking just to hear the sound of my own voice.”

• He tilts his head, an odd half-smile playing around the corners of his lips, “But I like your voice.”

• Your mouth falls open. You know it’s rude, but you can’t help it.

• His smile slants more toward smug than sociable. “I can speak.”

• “So you can.” You can feel your face flare in embarrassment, even in the blazing heat of the noon-day sun. “Why didn’t you say so before?”

• He gives you a lazy shrug and straightens up. He looks down his nose at you, and for the first time, you sense something sharp about him. Something had shifted in the way he held himself, the way he looked at you—like he could surge forward and swallow you whole without flinching. “Maybe I had nothing to say to you.”

• His tone stung. You set your jaw, “Right. Well, I won’t bother you anymore.” You turned, not sparing so much as a glance over your shoulder. If that’s how it's going to be you’re better off steering clear.

• “Or maybe I just like to listen to you.”

• You stop and look back at him. He’s leaning over the railing again. All traces of that icy figure that had stood there only moments before were gone. In his place was the young man with the earnest, open face you had grown so fond of. It was difficult to disbelieve a face like that.

• “I like that option better.”

• He smiles. “So do I.” He casts a quick glance behind him then, as if he didn’t want to be overheard, though you could see no one else around. “I have to finish up here, but then I’m free. Meet me in the field up behind the church in an hour?"

• Your heart stills in your chest, then kicks to life again, a startled bird flapping against your ribcage. “O-Okay…why?”

• He crooks one slender finger, beckoning you closer.

• When you’re close enough to feel the warmth radiating from his body, he leans down toward you. Though he does not touch you, you can feel his breath puff against your neck as he whispers, “I want to listen to you talk more.”

• And just like that he’s gone, snapping the tools up from the floor and disappearing around the corner of the porch, leaving you alone and breathless on the lawn of a stranger.

---

• In the coming weeks, you find yourself in the field most afternoons, Martin’s head in your lap, your fingers tangled in his hair. The air is so heavy it’s nearly liquid around you and the low drone of the insects buzzing around you has begun to lull you both into a sleepy sort of daze.

• Your nails graze his scalp, and he shivers. You’re sure that if he could purr, he would in that moment.

• It isn’t until you stop petting his hair that his eyes slide open, and he gazes up at you blearily. You can’t imagine what the world must look like through eyes so big and brown. Looking into them, you feel something deep in your chest crack and ache so terribly for a moment you feel as though it might overwhelm you. There’s something so lonely about those eyes.

• Your name leaves his lips, a cracked whisper, though you hear him clear as day.

• “Yes?”

• “Why did you stop?”

• “Touching you?

• “No. Talking.”

• You smile. “I was thinking, I suppose.”

• “About?”

• You fall silent for a long while, thinking about how best to put your wants into words. “About how badly I want to kiss you.”

• The silence stretches on long and heavy, and you’re sure you’ve said the wrong thing. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

• You try to move to dislodge him from your lap, but he sits up before you have the chance.

• “Martin, I’m sorry.”

• He turns to look at you slowly, his eyes never leaving your face for a moment, as he leans in close and brushes his lips against yours.

• It’s soft and chaste, lasting no more than a single beat of your heart, but it was enough to make your head spin.

• He pulls back just far enough to whisper against your lips. “It’s not that I didn’t want to. I’ve always wanted to but I…I’m just too shy to...”

• You laugh, burying your face into the crook of his neck, stamping a single kiss against his collarbone. “Well, shy boy. I’d be glad to be your teacher if you’d like.”

• Though you can’t see his face, you can hear the smile in his voice, “I think I’d like that very much.”

---

• His eyes shine above you in the darkness, pupils blown so wide his eyes seem black. He touches you with shaking hands, tangling his fingers in his hair as he kisses down your neck, his teeth grazing the flesh above your pulse. You whimper, your hand fisted tightly into the soft, green cotton of his t-shirt.

• He pulls back and looks at you, eyes flickering across your face, and his teeth worrying his lower lip the way they did when he was unsure of something.

• “What is it, shy boy?”

• There is a sharp intake of breath, as though he was about to answer you, though he remains silent for another long moment.

• His hands begin to fiddle with the hem of your shirt.

• An unwelcome spike of panic pierces through you in that moment. He’s been so good to you, so patient and understanding. But everyone has their limits. You have yet to find his, but what if this is it? What if this is it and he doesn’t want you after?

• You push his hands away and sit up. “We need to talk.”

• “Agreed.”

• You were taken aback. This statement usually overwhelmed Martin with the terrible fear that he had done something wrong, had upset you in some way. But not this time. There was something so serious in his voice. You might have found it frightening had you not been so consumed by the fear of what you now had to tell him.

• “You first.”

• He shook his head. “No, you.”

• You took a shuddering breath. “We’ll never say it at this rate. At the same time?”

• Martin holds your gaze for a steady moment. “Okay.”

• “Ready?”

• He nods.

• “I’m transgender.” / “I’m a vampire”

• “What?” / “What?”

• Through the reeling of your head, you barely register his reaction. “You’re a what?” Your own voice sounds high and thin to your ears.

• “A vampire.”

• You’re struck nearly dumb with disbelief. “But…but you go outside in the sun. And you sleep in a bed not a coffin. And! And you don’t have…”

• “Fangs?”

• You nod.

• “It’s not like in the movies.”

• “O-Oh. So…does that mean you don’t need to drink…” You couldn’t bring yourself to say the word.

• “Blood? Oh no. Blood is still a necessity, I’m afraid.”

• “Right…right. Um…”

• “Do you believe me?”

• Did you? You hesitated for a moment, but only a moment. “Yes. Yes, I think I do.”

• “Why?”

• “Why not? You’re not a liar, Martin. I don’t think.”

• He hums low in his throat, before fixing you with an intense look. “Your turn. Explain that word to me. I’ve never heard it before.”

• You take a deep shuddering breath and begin to explain. “I’m like you…but different.”

• Martin is quiet to the end, listening intently, as he has so many times before, until you have no words left.

• “This…doesn’t change anything.” His voice barely breaches a whisper.

• “Meaning?”

• He could feel your heart racing beneath your shirt. “Meaning I still want you.”

• ‘I still want you.’ Those words echoed through your mind as you toppled back onto the bed, pulling him down on top of you.

• His eyes bore into yours, “No more secrets.”

• You search his face for a long moment, “There is one more…”

• He quirks an eyebrow at you.

• “I love you, Martin.”

• “You never kept that a secret from me.”

NSFW

• By his own admission, Martin is very inexperienced when it comes to sex, but what he lacks in experience he more than makes up for in enthusiasm and he’s very good at following instructions. (Service top, service top, service top!)

• Have you seen his mouth? It’s good for three things: kissing, oral, and pouting (which is what he’ll do if you won’t let him do at least one of the first two things.)

• He’s a whimperer through and through. Whether you’re sucking a mark onto his neck, swallowing his cock down to the base, or letting him pound you into the mattress, he’ll be a good boy and make plenty of noise for you.

When He Tops:

• He’s so careful with you.

• Practically worshipful as he strips you down layer by layer, marvelling at how beautiful you are. He’ll kiss your scars and whisper to them (and you) that he loves them (and you).

• He’s a little shy on teasing you at first, only because of his lack of experience. In his mind he could hold you down and edge you for hours on end, but in practice, you beg the tiniest bit and he caves, unable to deny his boy anything.

• He wants to call you names that would make you whine for him, but he barely manages to stutter out a broken “d-d-darling,” before he’s practically unravelling on top of you.

• Like I said before, this man can eat out like a champ. He loves it when you grab him by the hair and guide his head. Show him what makes you feel good – use him to get yourself off. He wants nothing more than to make you happy. He’ll pick up on what you like quickly enough, but there’s something about you guiding him that drives him crazy, maybe it’s because he likes it when you take control, or maybe it’s the simple knowledge that you want his mouth on you as much as he wants to give it to you.

• His hands are clumsy, but his fingers are long and thin and perfect for fucking yourself on. Let him practice and he’ll master the art of fingering in no time, I’m sure.

• Very respectful of boundaries. If you don’t like having your chest touched, it never would be. If penetrative sex is painful or overwhelming for you, he’d gladly fuck your hand, or your mouth, or your thighs for the rest of his life. He wants whatever you give him and nothing more.

• He would never ask this of you and would only partake if you yourself brought it up and put in the work to convince him you’d really be okay with it, but giving him the opportunity to feed while fucking you would probably almost kill him. He’d spent so long trying to convince himself he didn’t want/need to feed on you, that you willingly offering him the the chance would almost be too much. Feeling you tense up beneath the slice of the razor or the points of his too-human teeth and the stretch of his cock at the same time would certainly send him over the edge and probably be enough to keep him going for another round.

When He Bottoms:

• Accidental pillow prince – not because he wants to be. in fact, he wants to please you just as much when he bottoms as he does when he tops. It’s just too much for him and there’s little more he can do but lie there and take it.

• He’s been so starved of touch that even the smallest of physical gestures is incredibly powerful for him. This makes it so easy to both edge and overstimulate. A good trick to use on him is to edge him until he’s nearly crying, begging you to let him cum, then let him again, and again, and again, until he’s begging you to stop. Awww, what’s wrong, shy-boy? I thought you wanted to cum?

• He was a little nervous about pegging, but once he was brave enough to actually try it, he regretted not doing it sooner.

• He’s shy, insecure, and lonely, so please do yourselves both a favour and praise him. Call him a good boy and he’ll absolutely melt in your hands.

• Tease him about being shy. Make him tell you how good you make him feel. Make him tell you he’s a good boy. He’ll whimper and whine and struggle, but hearing him say it will be well worth it for both of you.

#martin 1977 #martin #slasher headcanons #slasher imagines #slasher x reader #ripper fics

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ardenttheories · 4 years

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Your takes on gender can be applied these ways also: 1. Their species could be transphobic solely because they might view gender as unnecessary (which isn’t true, due to so many trolls being trans with no problem, so that’s out the window,) or 2. The Condesce herself or her generation created gender roles on Alternia; it would also make sense with The Signless preaching beliefs of freedom and possibly even expression, if we were to go that route. While it doesn’t fix all, it’s better than nothin

Continuing on with Signless and the Condesce, it would have actually made more sense for Sign to be a Fuchsia if society is based on blood caste, for more than one reason (I mean the political implications of a thief of BLOOD being a tyrannical emperor and what you could do with that are pretty fucking apparent but hey who gives a shit amiright) and while life can be just as politically aligned as blood, the inherent structure of blood and the way it’s broken and set up makes Sign a better fit

The bulge-nook standard is all just a bunch of useless bullshit, but it wasn’t in the past apparently; I think it’s mentioned somewhere in the comic that they’re actually close to extinction because the mother grub method is unsustainable and was created BY the Condesce? And that they actually could procreate together but they’re slowly losing the ability? Therefore you could also say that those who are still able to reproduce via encounters could be labeled differently, but that’s still shit

Continuing once again off of the whole mother grub thing (Sorry I’m spamming your inbox I just really like your think thoughts,) the only reason I could see a troll harboring certain ‘gender’ traits (boobs for example) would be for advantages in different climates, besides possible ovaries which, if trolls are more bug than human-like, don’t even make sense anyway. It’s all just a bunch of crud BUT the argument for being trans lies solely in what could remain, OR societal reconstruction I guess

I suppose HIC could have been the generation to assign gender roles to her society, but my only issue would be this: why? I pointed this out in another anon, but there’s no actual divide into “trolls who are superior for being x gender” and “trolls who are inferior for being x gender”. She’s the empress, so you’d think she’d have a preference for women - but her closest and most valued are both men. And even then, she kills indisciminately between genders. Her only preference I’ve ever seen gender-wise is that she always views women as heiresses (or, people who are possible to take her throne), and even that doesn’t entirely make sense; it can easily be explained away as Hussie trying to build a matriarchy where one just didn’t need to exist, to parallel Alternia and Earth.

To HIC, hemospectrum trumps gender. A male and female rustblood could be standing side by side, both accused of a crime, and neither would be considered more or less guilty on a gendered basis: they’d both be culled for being rust. Likewise, two violetbloods could kill a purpleblood, and the male wouldn’t be more likely to get caught than the female, or viseversa. They’d both get away scot free because they’re highbloods, and higher than the purple they killed - or, they’d both be revenge-slaughtered by other purplebloods.

This isn’t even getting into the fact that, although our canonical legislacerator is female (Redglare), the actual judge (His Honorable Tyranny) is male. So, again, we have a male in power. Yet there’s no explicit bias towards or against men.

It’s this foundational issue for trying to put a gendered system - as we understand it - on a system that just doesn’t work for it. I do very firmly believe that the trolls would have a gender system, yes; but I think it would revolve around something entirely different. More like how bee genders work; if they’re all “female”, then how do you differentiate the “gender” of bees? By focusing on what actually differentiates them societally: their roles in the hive. Queen, worker, drone - these are the bee genders. How you could implement that to Alternians, I’m not totally sure; I’d have to think on that a little more.

The Signless works well as a mutantblood for the martyr status Hussie was going for; he’s a very clear allegory for Jesus as-is, and having him be a fuchsia wouldn’t have really worked in that sense (because he would have been born into an inherent place of power, without the requirement to go through the martyr journey - and he could have much more easily set about a better, more equal structure had he been an heir than he could have being a mutant).

It’s a good way to impose on readers just how violent troll society is against those who don’t fit into the spectrum, since the hemospectrum is a class structure that was instilled by both HIC and Doc Scratch (which doesn’t exist as strictly on Beforus, except that the upper classes look after the lower). It also just allows for the equal “one troll of each caste” motif Hussie wanted to go with. So, again, this is an unfortunate instance of Hussie choosing design over lore.

That said, being a fuchsiablood - or even a mutated fuchsia, if we still want to go down the mutant route - would have been endlessly interesting. It could have completely different to see a not-so-shoddily hidden allegory. How The Signless would have attempted to go against HIC, his abilities as a Blood Player, the potentialities of him still raising a rebellion and attempting to change the entire structure of Alternia to something more Beforean - it’s definitely juicy food for thought, if nothing else.

I couldn’t find anything on the Mother Grub method being instilled by HIC, or the fact that it was unsustainable - at least, not on Alternia. Everything I’ve seen relating to Alternia and Mother Grubs very much seems to state that these are the natural ways of the world, something that wasn’t meddled with (which goes along with a theory I had with a few anons some time ago, under the “#homestuck biology” tag, wherein the Mother Grub, trolls, and Drones are actually all founded from the same ancient species, but the trolls just so happened to be the ones to evolve into intelligent life).

(Edited note: I did find something mentioning that the threat of global extinction allowed for the implementation of the caste system to begin with - as in, the hemospectrum didn’t exist until that specific point in time. It doesn’t mention anything about the Mother Grubs before or after this event, or what caused the near-extinction of the troll race. I would assume Doc Scratch, in order to force the Hemospectrum to exist in the first place, since he takes full credit for its conception. In either case, it isn’t an inability to breed that almost killed off the entire Alternian race - otherwise, even post-Hemospectrum, they would have still died out.)

Anything regarding unsustainability might be instead referring to HIC’s attempts to reintroduce the troll population to the Alpha kids’ Earth; she tries to bring lusii into the world and tries to repopulate Earth using genetic material via the Mother Grub (including for humans), but ultimately fails to do so (partly because her attempts to do so were thwarted by a clone of her lusus, partly because, I assume, human DNA isn’t compatible with the Mother Grubs).

So, unfortunately, it doesn’t look like trolls ever had the ability to mate with each other and reproduce in a more mammalian way. Which I still despise as a concept, if I’m completely honest; the trolls are clearly meant to be based on insects, are surrounded by insect-like evolutionary divergences, and breed in a very insect-like way. The idea that they ever, at any point, had a more mammalian lineage just makes no sense. That’s like saying that we descended from ancient bees instead of ancient apes.

It’s, again, one of those instances were you can tell Hussie tried to make something unique and interesting, but then didn’t fully think it through and returned to what he knew most - which is a very much more human experience.

I think the best explanation for the “gender” differences - beyond “Hussie needed a way to show male and female characters because he didn’t think to include different genders in a society that clearly needed it - probably is the climate concept. It’d be more interesting, for one, and still allow for the potential that trolls don’t have - or show - inherent sexual dimorphism. Especially because, like you said, those are very mammalian traits? Insect-based species don’t have an evolutionary need for those things.

#ardenttheories #homestuck biology #long post//#Anonymous

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skollwolf · 3 years

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I want to ask a question and I hope it doesn’t get taken the wrong way. So please forgive me if I offend you, but can you tell me what made you decide/learn you are trans? Like where did it all begin? I’m just curious because I, someone who is not trans, would like to kind of understand a little more as to what people feel with this sort of thing. You can be as specific or as general as you like obviously. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with. Thanks.

Sure, I suppose I'm willing to take this one in good faith and answer it. It is a bit abrupt to lead with this sort of question, and obviously in real life I would hope you know enough to like....say hi to a trans person and establish a dialog rather than jumping right into something like this, but I'm willing to go from 0 to "how did you figure out you were trans" without a warm up.

Actual answer under the cut, so people who don't feel like reading can skip it.

For me it started with both physical and social dysphoria, though it doesn't for all trans people; dysphoria's not actually a requirement for being trans, I'm not a trans med, but it was key for me particularly.

Not to go into too much detail, because the specifics of dysphoria are fairly personal, but there have always been aspects of my body that I've disliked or been actively uncomfortable with. Around my mid teens, it started occurring to me that all the things about my body I disliked were also the things that contributed to other people reading me as female when they pass me on the street. I'm not just talking, like, secondary sex characteristics here, I also mean things like my height or the width of my shoulders.

Equally, I'd never been comfortable with certain overtly gendered terms. For instance I hated being called a "lady", or being called miss. Growing up, I thought this discomfort was because of the old-fashioned connotations of the words, and the gender roles associated with them, which I did not want to perform.

So, okay, I didn't like being read as "female" or "a woman" by strangers. I got that far, and then was stuck at that point for a couple of years, unsure if that was because of internalized misogyny, or the Acute Discomfort of Being Perceived at all, or what.

I'm old enough that I knew next to nothing about being trans growing up, because that information just wasn't available then like it is now. There was exactly one trans girl I knew through school, who I didn't particularly like due to a personality clash and so spoke to...maybe three times ever, despite the fact that we were in the same LGBT+ club. Other than her, I never met another trans person growing up, and absolutely everything I ever heard about being trans came from transphobic jokes or stereotypes. To go from "I don't like being perceived as a woman, and I don't feel right with some parts of my body that cause me to be perceived that way" to "I'm trans" was a mental leap I would have been literally incapable of making.

But then I got a little older. A speaker came to my high school health class in 12th grade and talked, amongst other things, about transgender and nonbinary identities. I was so fascinated by the concept of being nonbinary that I wrote like...30+ pages of a story with a nonbinary main character for NaNo that year. It was supposed to be a scifi romance, except then I started writing about the main character's experience of growing up nonbinary, and navigating presenting as male and female at differing times, and how they navigated the world a little differently based on the gender they were presenting as at any given point...and 30+ pages later, I'd written nothing about my planned plot. But that had nothing to do with me personally, right? I was just interested in writing a character! I write lots of characters!! Nothing at all to do with me hahaha I told myself, aged 17, and then wrote more backstory for this character.

Then I went to college, and my first year college roommate made me make a tumblr. As I poked around on here, I encountered the blogs of other folks who were trans, and nonbinary. Though I couldn't at this point (most of a decade later) tell you exactly whose discussions of their dysphoria or their experiences of being trans resonated with me, what I can say is that bells started ringing. I read stories written by trans people, read resources intended for people questioning their gender identity, and then realized. Huh. A lot of this does sound like me, actually.

I told my best friend hey I don't know if this is something I'm going to stick with, but I want to try out some other pronouns. So she started calling me “they” and “he” when I asked her to, and I realized that that felt a million times better than being called "she" ever did. I told my best friend hey haha again not sure if this is permanent but...help me pick out a more masculine name? And being called my new name alleviated a feeling of pressure I didn't even realize I felt whenever someone used my (very feminine sounding) deadname. I said to my followers on tumblr, back in my very active fandom days when I chatted with folks a lot on here, hey I'm using this name and these pronouns now, trying some stuff out, and being referred to by the terms and name I'd chosen felt so good that I finally bit the bullet and admitted to myself that this was, in fact, permanent, and that I was, in fact, nonbinary and trans.

And that's the long and short of it, for me. But, uh, it might vary deeply from trans person to trans person, so I don't know if that gives you whatever you were looking for, anon.

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