#I JUST THINK. there is a lot of potential 2 be had for post imposter au characters.

[lovesickeros]

☆ what a kind god, what a cruel god

{☆} characters zhongli {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings blood, light angst {☆} word count 0.5k

You are a kind God - with hands that heal instead of hurt. Words that forgive, instead of rightfully insult. The stories do little justice to the breadth of your gentleness, extending your love to the slimes that coalesce at your feet, eager to know the touch of the Divine. The birds that sing with the wind your praises from upon your shoulder.

But to him, your kindness is so very cruel.

They do not deserve it. He does not deserve it.

Your forgiveness should be a blessing after all they have done, but it feels like swallowing acid instead. It makes him feel sick and lightheaded, throat constricting until he struggles to breath against the weight of his sins, heavy upon his chest.

He wonders if your hatred would be easier. Even apathy, he thinks, would be preferable to the way your screams intermingle with the softness in your voice as you cradle his face between his hands within his dreams. Even in the waking world, your every word is shadowed by broken pleas, drowned in golden ichor as it rises up your throat, silencing your screams - it haunts him, and he cannot handle seeing the way you look at him in concern. He does not deserve it.

Try as he might, he cannot forgive himself. He does not think he ever can - not when he wakes to the feeling of blood on his hands, his tongue, filling his lungs until all he tastes and smells is blood.

If you had been a little less kind, he thinks he would find comfort in your cruelty.

Your anger would be a mercy.

But you are not. You are..kind. Gentle. So many things he once praised on bruised knees at an altar that towered far above him, drowned in gold and silks, every word he speaks a prayer to the most Divine. And he cannot bear the weight of knowing that he could have destroyed that part of you - he cannot bear knowing that he didn't, and you look upon the man who wore your blood like a second skin with a kindness that burns him like a hot iron.

He did not deserve such a loving God.

"..Zhongli?"

He pauses in his internal struggle, hands shaking on his lap. He clenches them into fists, blunt nails digging into his palms until they stop - yet you look at him with furrowed brows, concern gleaming in your eyes, and he feels sick all over again. But for you, he would do anything. Even if it meant pretending he did not feel like a monster in a mortals skin when you smiled at him like he was worth anything.

"Yes, Divine One?"

He chokes down the phantom taste of iron upon his tongue, forcing himself to smile to soothe the worries that crease your brow.

"You said you'd take me to the Chasm today."

He feels..relieved as the worry melts away from your features. It is the very least he can offer - he shall take upon your burdens, your worries, so that you may look upon Teyvat with love, and not fear. He will carry the sins of the many, so that you may look upon the nations with pride, and not horror.

It is all he can do, to ease the way his chest aches when you smile at him, hand tugging at his sleeve and forcing himself unsteadily to his feet.

He does not deserve you - but for today, he can pretend. Just a little while longer.

#sagau #self aware genshin #self aware genshin impact #genshin sagau #imposter au #sagau imposter au #fic tag #angst #zhongli #sagau zhongli #pulls out the whiteboard who wants 2 hear my psychoanalysis of zl in sagau!! #imposter au zl who resents himself and is just a little fucked up over what happened and refuses to accept that he can be forgiven :) #he needs therapy bc he refuses to accept that hes allowed 2 be a little traumatized!!!! #as u can see he did not handle anything well ever and he is mentally unwell. perhaps a little unstable. #making the genshin men as pathetic as possible one man at a time #I JUST THINK. there is a lot of potential 2 be had for post imposter au characters. #slaps zl this bad boy can fit so much self hatred and internal resentment and trauma and lack of self worth and #yeah :) #writes the most unhinged shit ever. refuses to elaborate. leaves

[arbiterlexultionis]

Danny and the Spooks Pt2

This is a continuation of my other post Here

More specifically, this is where I’m dumping my ideas for it that involve crossovers, mostly with DC, as I know that stuff isn’t some peoples cuppa tea, and wanted to make sure it could be viewed and enjoyed by all.

So, I’ve come up with two ways for Danny and the spooks to mix with other fandoms. 1) Danny’s a known entity and (somewhat) trusted ally who is super protective/secretive about the tiny ass town he micromanages and 2) Danny and the ghost issues of Amity are more less unknowns and the hero’s of the verse show up only to be met with a (somewhat) functional crime fighting organization.

I’ll do the first version in this post and the second probably in a different post.

Phantom was one of the founding members of the league, and one of the most mysterious members at that. Although most of them had known about each other and occasionally worked together long before they came together officially 3 years ago to fend of Darkseid and found the league Phatom himself had come out of left field so to speak. Appearing with no warning in his bulky Hazmat suit and barely saying a word for most of the crisis, they didn’t really have any choice but to accept his help regardless of their (Batman’s) skepticism, and that decision to trust him payed out in the end as Phantom, despite being a complete unknown that could stay under the radar at that point, was apparently strong enough to give Supes and Wonder Woman a run for their money. They threw around a lot of theories about the guy, Superman seemed convince he was some type of alien while others thought he was a meta. Batman’s theory of choice was that he was a time traveler form the future with advanced nano technology, using cave paintings and historical records from across the globe that duplicated him as evidence. Aquaman and Dr. Fate think he’s some type of lord of order or God, with a capital G, because there was apparently some strikingly similar being who fought a Chaos deity to try and stop Atlantis from sinking.

But every attempt to actually investigate has ended “inconclusively”, as after Batman finally tracked down which town Phantom watched over he only got a few steps in before he got gently grabbed buy the cape and flew several states away like a misbehaving kitten getting grabbed by the scruff. Flash got the farthest in of anyone, sprinting in and getting about a block in before just appearing in Canada with sticky note attached to his forehead reading “Please stop stalking my grandson. :-) -CW.”

So when they were all in a meeting discussing where to keep the young justice team they were all surprised, to say the least, when Phantom offered to take them in and look after them Inside of Amity. Apparently(supposedly) the main reason he keeps everyone so far away from his town is because no one in the league has the experience and skill set necessary to properly combat his rouges, and gaining the experience and skill would probably include several mind control/body snatching/cloning/imposters/potential world endangering events and that just wouldn’t be worth the risk, especially with all of that resulting in their own rouges getting into contact with his, a recipe for one shitty weekend as he put it. But a little less than a week ago Luther used an intermediary to hire one of phantoms rouges to hunt Superman, which explains the bandage on Superman’s side. So now that the cats out of the bag Phantom want to make the kitty purr and prepare the rest of the heroics community for “the complete and utter nonsensical shenanaganery that he’s stuck dealing with” and The Team seems like a good opportunity for it.

I envision this whole meeting probably being told from Flash’s point of view, as he’s smart and goofy enough for some good humor and exposition but I guess it works for anyone. The Young Justice team wind up in mount justice while the main base of the Spooks, called the Grave or something else suitably on brand, is prepared just long enough to get bored and go rescue Superboy. Then the whole team and some of the justice league step foot into Amity for the first time, and then get a whole PowerPoint presentation explaining the town and its BS and are just Shook when they find out that Phantoms not some meta or alien or time traveling genius inventor but just some dead dude.

The team essentially gets fast tracked through the training for Spooks to make sure there up to snuff and begin patrolling and stuff. At first Superboy just can’t handle working in the R.I.P.D. and then he finds a ghost who whole shtick is “I need to punch shit”, which bridges the gap between the fighting he knows and the negotiations he doesn’t and helps him learn more about diplomacy and chill out, can’t decided if I want the ghost in question to be a boxer, sumo wrestler or really over the top westler.

As practice living a double life and going under cover they all have to get jobs and be Normal, but they all suck at being Normal. It just straight up doesn’t cross Superboy mind that normal people can’t use motorcycles to beat up convenience store robbers. At first he goes for the car, stops and goes wait a second that’s not something normal people can do and I’m Normal, so he picks up a Harley like “Yep, this is completely average amount of strength.”

Wally’s working in the kitchen of a restaurant and keeps accidentally using his super speed. Not enough to glow or spark, but more than enough for people to freak out. But he’s doing the work of 4 people which means management need 3 less people to pay so they just let him do his thing.

Robins such a gremlin that people think he’s straight up a child ghost very poorly disguising himself as a human child, using rafters and vents as short cuts with the justification “it’s not weird if they don’t see me do it” which makes it seem like he’s using invisibility, intangibility and teleportation to get around. He’s so quite when he walks that people come to the conclusion that he’s forgetting to walk and just floating places and/or trying to look like he’s walking like a Perfectly Normal Human Child but not actually making contact with the ground on accident.

All the locals see all this stuff and just go “Kids are kids, ghost, human or ecto-contaminated to hell and back.” And all make a group effort to hide them from the Fentons and GIW. The team, which is actively trying to investigate both groups, becomes convinced that the people they work for are in cahoots with the GIW and hiding their activities, but every time they switch jobs it takes like, a week for the GIW to get to them again(for them to go “oh poor children” and try and keep them safe).

It doesn’t help that the first friend they made in town is a scrawny little black haired blue eyed twink that they saw beat a mothafucka with another mothafucka in an alleyway on the first day of class, constantly pulls off what should be nearly impossible acts and disappears without a trace, further twisting their idea of what is within normal human limits. (They saw Danny fighting Skulker in human form at 3am in the Nasty burger parking lot because he was to lazy to shift forms, and they use the fact that the kid that can nonchalantly throw hands with a nine foot tall T9000 knock off as an excuse to get away with stuff. “Mr. I-fight-death-bots-with-my-bare-hands is the weakling at the bottom of the food chain, so me being able to do this it Normal. Probably.”)

Just a few ideas I had for this, will probably post more later. Drink some water and chill, peace out.

#danny fenton #danny phantom #danny phantom au #dp au #fic prompt #story prompt #writing prompt #dp x dc #dp x dc crossover #dc x dp #dpxdc #dp crossover #full hazmat au

[blackaquokat]

Nobody asked me, but now that I've finished the main story of both Danganronpa games (Let's Plays, anyway, I'm going to play myself now), here are the thoughts running through my head. This post will be for the first game, I'll make another post for the second one.

(spoilers under the cut: I know the games have been out for a while but still):

1. It took me a LONG time to finish the first game after the first execution. I really liked Leon and not just because his design reminded me of Kirishima from MHA. I felt really bad about the situation he was in, even if, you know, he still killed Sayaka, his death was Brutal. I stopped watching for a few months because it haunted me, until my sister encouraged me to keep going because she wanted to talk to someone about it.

2. On that note, WHY, of all the available classmates, did Sayaka pick Leon as her potential victim? Why, if your goal was to kill, would you pick one of the Ultimate athletes? I feel like she would have had far more success if she'd chosen Hifumi or even Chihiro (sorry bb, I love you). Is there a lore reason behind it?

3. All that said, I am unfortunately interested in Leosaya content for the dramatic irony and tragedy of it, so if anyone has suggestions, let me know, and I also want to see Leon and Ibuki being best buds because she left her music group to pursue her actual creative dreams and Leon hated baseball and wanted to pursue dreams of being a musician and I can see them teaming up to be in a weird-ass band together. Someone direct me to any Leon and Ibuki platonic (or romantic, I'm down) content.

4. I think Leon is gaining blorbo status for me, but not as much as some other characters from the second game, but this is in no coherent order so bear with me, and also keep in mind, I have yet to play through all his possible dialogue in the School Mode version of the game so this is liable to change.

5. I went from waiting eagerly for Byakuya to die to being devastated that he died in the second game to REALLY HAPPY that that apparently wasn't even him (though I do like the Imposter & would like to know more about them). AND THEN to being so excited that he's apparently in a power throuple with Kyoko and Makoto, OT3s FOR THE WIN!!!!

6. Hina and Sakura were really sweet, and I Loooooove how protective Hina was, because yeah, the whole point of the fourth case was she underestimated Sakura's strength, but I also think Sakura deserved to be protected. Just because she's strong doesn't mean she didn't deserve people defending her.

7. On that note, ya'll, when I didn't know what to expect from this game, I legit thought somehow Mondo and Taka were going to die in that sauna. My stomach was in knots over it. Then they just. Were bros. And I was confused but on board with them (platonically AND romantically) and then the second case devastated me and not just because I had to watch Taka be Sad for so long.

5. I feel...so bad about the whole case with Mondo and Chihiro. They were BUDDIES. I know the whole point of the story is that people betray each other but God, imagine the "motive" you were given wasn't so much a motive as it was a fucking PTSD break and it lead to you killing someone that you were not only cool with, but who admired you for qualities you didn't feel worthy of, just FUCK--

6. If you let yourself stop and think of the Everything about these games and the stories, it really fucks you up, let me live in No Despair Land where everyone's friends with each other and there's no murder--

7. Also, the whole thing with Junko. I remember, before I took a break after Leon's execution, vaguely wondering about her last words? But it was a fleeting thought that didn't lead to anything, AND THEN IT CAME BACK AROUND??? So holy shit, that was cool.

8. Gotta say, as frustrating as a lot of repetitive stuff in the game got, I understood why it was needed for the case solving portion. As some of you can tell from my Clone Wars series with sweetiepie08, I LOVE mystery solving stuff when it's done right, and even if some of them are So SO convoluted, it's satisfying to see how they fall together.

9. The VAs in these games are fucking awesome. Even if some of the shit they had to say was ridiculous (which is par the course if that's your job), they did so damn good.

10. YA'LL, I legit thought Makoto was about to be executed, so when Alter Ego suddenly showed up and saved him, I shrieked, and then KYOKO found him, and I know a lot didn't happen after that except a shit ton of exposition, but I was so psyched.

11. *sigh* I don't know what the public opinion is of Toko, but she drove me insane with the debilitating inferiority complex. And then the Genocide Jack/Jill thing happened and I mean, at least she was...slightly more interesting with that, but still, I think Toko was somehow my least favorite out of the whole gang, next to Hifumi. I also would not have predicted that she'd be one of the final survivors.

12. I legit thought Hiro was going to snap at one point after his long period of denial at the beginning. I thought he'd snap and kill someone or get killed, so when he survived until the end, I was very surprised.

13. Tbh, I did not predict the endgame survivors for either Danganronpa. I think literally all I would have gotten right was Makoto, Kyoko, and Hajime. Everyone else was quite a surprise to me.

14. Not to compare another Danganronpa character to MHA, but I was super fond of Taka right off the bat because he's so Tenya coded, those two are definitely cousins or something.

15. Someone add onto my agenda of doing a Danganronpa x MHA fusion somehow, I'll make thoughts on another post.

16. I really loved Kyoko's dynamic with Makoto, idk why, and I just fucking love Kyoko in general, she's so cool. Sherlock Holmes, step aside.

That's about it! I'll make a post about the second game later.

#kat rants #danganronpa #naegirigami #ishimondo #sakuhina #leosaya

[wander-wren]

i was trying to avoid spoilers under the assumption that i would Eventually getting around to reading tbc and asc, but im bored and i want to watch videos about them and i probably wont read them for a long time, so i went to the wiki to see whats up!

my official take on tbc is that the concepts seem very cool, but i cant say much about the execution or smaller details ofc. ashfur being the imposter feels like a really good choice, i dont know if thats controversial, i'm like 3 years late to all this lmao but i thought i saw some posts about him not making sense.

i mean, his connection to squilf and bramblestar alone...plus, yeah, he wasn't super into the code in life, but all of the events leading to his death WERE caused by codebreaking, and with leafpool especially going to starclan after inadvertently contributing to Ruining His Life, he might get mad about it? i kinda get it. also the whole concept of him possessing ashfur is so so horrifying and sad to me and has anyone written fic about this from squilf's pov???

also, ALSO, i skimmed a light in the mist plot summary bc i was still bored but it seemed cool. i dont remember if people were mad about that when i came out, just that it was Everywhere. kudos to the erins for actually carrying a plot through six books instead of splitting it in half for the first time since, like, tpb. po3 and oots dont count bc they didnt Have a plot.

but i was trying to think about why the new gen (arcs 6-8) arent as popular/getting much attention and why the fandom is slowly falling off post-oots. which, there are a lot of reasons, but this is one of the main ones i haven't seen anyone discuss yet (tbf, again, i was avoiding spoilers until literally today, so).

like, think about the new prophecy, power of three, and omen of the stars. they all happen VERY close together and are deeply intertwined. lionblaze and jayfeather even get to be pov characters for 2 arcs instead of one! and no pov characters die! except flametail but eh!

then we get to avos. we lose needletail, what, three books in? then violetshine literally becomes a mom to one of the broken code protags, and, again, only reading plot summaries, but she Never Came Up. neither did twigbranch. alderheart did some, mostly by virtue of being a medicine cat and therefore important to the plot.

and now, in the broken code, we've lost bristlefrost. i havent gotten to a starless clan yet, that's next, but i know flamepaw/nightheart is sparkpelt's kid, and sunbeam and frostpaw are the kids of random side characters (at least, they didnt stand out to me?). i'm not saying it's inherently bad that they're not connected to the previous protags (you could argue its a positive for sure), but it's contributing to this feeling of disconnection in the new books, i think.

i DONT think we should keep doing firekin as protags. i am perfectly happy putting that line to rest. but we introduced twig and violet and needletail, those are brand new bloodlines and focusing on them instead would be really really cool.

what you did the first time worked, erins! do that again! like. they had the opportunity to decimate the clans in oots and essentially start with a clean slate for avos/tbc/asc, but they chickened out. changes to the code shouldve been FIRST. new mains unrelated to firestar shouldve been FIRST.

actually, avos did have that potential. that was Good and Correct except for the part where there were no significant culture changes and too many tnp-era cats are still around. but like, okay, firekin! we like firekin! alderheart is my BOY. he is familiar, or related to familiarity. GOOD. he brings in needletail, twigbranch, and violetshine, so they feel connected to familiarity too, rather than just "heres some kids of cats you've never heard of. care about them."

and then they just. gave us bristlefrost and shadowsight. more firekin, woo. forget about twig and violet, oh and needletail is dead btw. i'm sure everyone has talked and talked about the tragedy of finally getting a she-cat who doesnt want kits but it's TWIGBRANCH. ugh.

anyway, yeah. all the protagonists for the first four arcs were interconnected and important to each other and i'm not getting that at all with the new arcs and i think thats why its hard for me and other fans to like, care.

plus also firestar and other fan favorites died and the prequels immediately came out and stalled the continuity for a while at just the right moment when a lot of fans were poised to lose interest. and then they did. and here we are.

this isn't what i meant to make a post on but i did! woo

#warrior cats #wren wrambles #avos #tbc #i was windering if i wanted to try to incorporate tbc into my rewrite #since i already know i want to do a version of avos #but haha no #avos is already hard bc of how i'm changing oots. tbc requires a specific version of the clans that just wont exist by the time i get there #which is cool. less work for me #i do appreciate the erins doing cool stuff we havent seen before tho re ghost fights and all that. its interesting #but a lot of the characters im just like. okay. and whyyy should i careee who you are #even bristlefrost is the kid of like #one of my all time faves. and yet. shes not really written like ivypool's kid that i can see? shes just kinda. bristlefrost. idk i didnt #read the books lmao #sighhhhhh

[edge-lorde]

I am amazes that the she-ra fandom is still alive and still going but why no one made a she-ra D&D yet?. like you can play as a horde clone, be on a random planet, and do anything from there. you can meet she-ra if you want too but why not make that moon over there into a rock farm or something?.

id be surprised if no one had made a main characters shera dnd yet. its referenced right there in the show!

a horde clones dnd however... as you seem to be describing... hmmmm. interesting concept. idk i think it has the potential to be both really boring or really funny.

if this is a pre-hive mind being taken down game, i think all horde clones should have the same stats and would be boring to roleplay as (as double trouble found out).

i could see there being a pretty good imposter type game though. like you are out in the middle of space on either a shitty planet or a ship and you have to figure out who the imposter is, but the imposter is either double trouble or a conscientious defector and you have to roll play in only cult language.

or a pandemic type game where you play as horde prime trying to take over the known universe.

i think a more dnd type horde clones game would make more sense in a post hive mind scenario, where everyone starts of with similar stats with everyone having like 18 strength but 0 charisma and 2 intelligence, except some players have very specific things that they can also just do based on their backstory of what they did in the horde. when night comes everyone has to roll to keep the existential crisis away for just a little longer....

in a horde clones open world type game there would need to be some way of showing that they dont have the freedom to do much on their own. maybe rolling the dice could be like rolling to pray and you have to do what the dice say because thats what prime wants you to do? lots to think about.

#shera #spop #horde clones #spacebats #replies #very interesting ask

[spectrumed]

2. voice

As a child I could not pronounce the letter R. I once complained to my mother for being so careless as to give me a name that had two R’s in it. Fredrik. Or as I pronounced it back then, “Fledlik.” Cute, right? I was a cute child, all blonde and with big blue eyes. At one point, I got surrounded by a group of older girls who forced me to pronounce my name, even though I really couldn’t. They laughed and laughed, teasing me for my inability to pronounce even my own name correctly. If I ever had a reason to develop a fetish for femdom, I think this would have been it.

Like it or not, in speech, there is no room for individual quirks. No, we’ve all got to learn how to speak properly. Historically, that has led to some pretty heinous attitudes towards regional accents, any tongue that was the standard was seen by default as being less or developed and intelligent. Regional accents were seen as practically unhygienic, the worry being that if people just got to speak as they wished, they might end up potentially thinking dangerous thoughts. While I understand the importance of being understood, it’s clear that the stigma that exists around speech difficulties stems from a place of prejudice. If a person has a lisp, do you really struggle to understand them? And while stammering can be quite debilitating, it should be blatantly obvious that shaming people who stammer, suggesting that they are bereft of intelligence, is not the way to help them. Humans are social animals, and language may be the one thing that distinguishes us as a species, it is natural that proper elocution should be treasured. But some people do struggle with their speech, and that should not cost them any respect or kindness.

As a child, I didn’t speak nearly enough. As an adult I am speaking too much. That’s the problem with you, Fredrik, you’ve never understood that there is a middle ground between two extremes. There is a way you can speak that is neither too quiet, nor too loud. It is how normal people speak. Why can’t you be normal, Fredrik? Are you going to spend this whole blog post talking about how difficult it is for you to simply learn to be like everyone else? Self-pitying yourself, much? Back in my day people pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, if they had something they struggled with, they learned to sort it all out, and they didn’t start complaining about society being all mean to them. You’re just spending too much time inside your own head, go take a swim, take up a hobby that requires you to step outdoors, it will serve you well. Don’t be a freak, Fredrik. Be normal, for once.

On a side note, “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” is meant to be understood as an impossible feat. You can’t possibly pull yourself up by your bootstraps, it’s ludicrous to even suggest that such a thing may be feasible. While, yes, there are many things you can do to help yourself, ultimately, you can’t profoundly escape from a sorry situation you’ve found yourself in without some outside help. There is no shame in requiring help. To guilt someone into thinking that if they can’t do it alone, they are weak, is frankly sociopathic. Humans need each other, we take care of each other, we are there for each other. Self-sufficiency is great, but let’s not take it to levels of absurdity by suggesting that needing help from others is anything but normal. No-one succeeds in life without others there to prop them up. Instead of telling someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, you might as well tell them to go and swallow the sun, which is clearly another impossible task.

Most people will never in their lives experience what it is like to go through a neuropsychological evaluation. Turns out that it is not always such a pleasant experience. Though, considering the popularity of pseudo-scientific nonsense like the Myers-Briggs test, I am sure some folks would lie and pretend to love it. Certainly, there is a charm to being there and talking about yourself for several hours near-uninterrupted, but the exhaustion that you will feel at the end of it cannot be understated. Naturally, it does vary between who does it, and why they’re doing it. But if the stated goal is to find out whether you’ve had a neurodevelopmental disorder since you were but a young babe, then of course, there are going to be some pretty long conversations happening about those early days. Lots of stuff you may not have considered or thought about in a very long time will suddenly become very relevant to your current situation. And at the end of it all, you get some papers detailing your fashionable new diagnosis. Your entire life, all written down. Can make you feel rather wistful. And there’s really quite a surprising amount of typos included in the text, and barely any jokes.

Still, as part of my official diagnosis, there is a reference to my speech at being at times “stilted.” Though, the diagnosis does take very good care to mention that I appear intelligent and thoughtful, exhibiting a wide vocabulary and a good sense of the right words to use at the right moment. It’s flattering, for the most part. Yet, it does irk me that I could be perceived as being stilted. I know that at this point, I am being petty, because who cares if I sometimes come across as maybe a little robotic. I’ve got Asperger’s. Of course I am a robot. The closest role model we folks with Asperger’s ever had for the longest time was Star Trek: The Next Generation’s android named Data. God forbid anyone like me ever turned out to be the protagonist of a series, we’re all doomed to play the part of the robot, the alien, or the socially awkward geek. I should just be delighted that I am high-functioning. I know how much worse some have it. I should be grateful and pleased that I come across as mostly normal, mostly neurotypical. But… I really just don’t want anyone to think my speech is stilted. I don’t want to be Data. I want to be Riker.

It is never enough, you’ll never be good enough. If you fake it, they’ll see through it. If you struggle and if you work honestly to appear more normal, they won’t recognise it. As soon as they get an inkling you may be an imposter, looking like them, but having a neurologically deviant brain, they’ll single you out. For you, normalcy is an illusion. To attempt to be normal is to remake yourself only to receive nothing. Sure, you can be disingenuous, pretend you're not yourself, but it’ll never fool them. In the end, you’ll only lose yourself. Maybe I should just own the fact that my speech sometimes comes across as being stilted. Maybe I should own it. Be proud of who I am. But… sometimes I just don’t want to be me.

I want to be ignored. Sometimes, not always. But that goes for everyone. But most of all, I’d like to be able to go unseen whenever I’m not trying to impress anyone. When I’m just off to buy some milk. When I’m sitting on the bus. When I’m walking through the park. I know it is partly paranoia, but I can’t help but feel like I stick out. It’s always been like that with my friends growing up. The metaphor I used with my therapist is that I felt like a thumb. That they, my friends, were the fingers and I was the thumb. Sure, we’re similar. In many ways we’re the same. You could even say that I was crucial to making the social dynamics work. Who doesn’t like the thumb? What would you do without your thumb? But still, I was different. Some people would do anything to be different like that, to feel special. Some folks feel all invisible and forgotten in the crowd, and I’d lie if I told them that I didn’t envy them sometimes. The ability to go all invisible? That seems swell! There’s this question people like to ask as a sort of personality test. If you could choose a superpower, would you rather be able to fly, or would you rather be able to go invisible? The answer is obvious, as far as I’m concerned. Of course I’d love to be able to go invisible. To be able to exist without anyone seeing me. Without anyone judging me. Without ever having to worry if someone is going to treat me as different. For a moment to feel what it is like not to be some big, dumb, stupid, thumb.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not too anguished. Nowadays, I feel like I am in a relatively good place. But I would be lying if I told you that I still don’t get frustrated at the plethora of difficulties I face just trying to blend in. Even with family members, people who are supposed to know you the best, even then I have to go out of my way to behave a certain way, to exist a certain way, because fundamentally, they just don’t seem to get you. Not in that way. They have an image of you that you need to try and match. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell them that sometimes you need to be more direct in your communication to truly reach me, I don’t pick up on the many smaller little social cues they may throw my way, it’s still just me being silly and looking for excuses for why I didn’t understand them the first time around. And I am deathly afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings. A very prevalent misconception about autistic individuals is that we don’t care if we’re being rude. That if we are rude, our rudeness can simply be overlooked because, y’know, we’re autistic. While this sort of thing is commonly represented in media that is supposed to depict autistic characters, in real life, things don't quite work like this. Believe it or not, readers, being autistic is not a free pass to act like a dick. Autistic individuals still very much have to modulate our behaviour if we wish to fit in and be accepted. No-one will ever excuse you for being autistic. To be autistic is living with extra hurdles in your way, thinking that it’s anything but a social handicap is romanticising a diagnosis you clearly know very little about.

When I was a kid, I didn’t speak much. As far as I was concerned, I merely spoke whenever I needed to speak. It took until adulthood for me to learn that my parents and teachers were actually concerned about that. I was made to see a specialist, under the guise of learning elocution, but I’ve later come to realise that those meetings were about more than just learning to pronounce the letter R. Like, what does testing my memory have to do with diction? Yes, her job was partly to help my speech develop more in line with the other kids, but she was also there to evaluate whether or not I was intellectually disabled. I have come to learn that I had teachers at the time that were adamant about me going to a different school, more equipped to handle kids like me, but my mother vehemently defended my right to stay in the school I was in. After all, I did have friends, and to anyone who really knew me, they knew that I was a bright child. Sure, I wasn’t as communicative as the other children, but I clearly had no issues processing information, and it’s not like I was disruptive in some other way. But that was also part of the problem. The teachers that thought that I may need specialist schooling were concerned about the fact that I was too placid and too agreeable. They wanted me to express frustration at my lacking pronunciation, to see me get mad at others for not fully understanding me. That amazes me, if anything. The fact that I was a happy kid they took as some indication that I wasn’t quite right.

My mother delights in a memory of me as a kid once slamming my fist on the table and declaring that “now, I am speaking!” May I remind you that I was a cute kid. Sure, it is the sort of behaviour that parents of the old times would have spanked their kids for. Kids in the past were supposed to be quiet. To be seen, but not heard. I wonder if there’d be any kind of hubbub about my early development if I lived back then. I’d probably be seen as the ideal child, all pretty and docile and never too loud. Still, it was a moment my mother cherished, because for once, I really proved that I did have the capacity to speak. Though, I still couldn’t pronounce my R’s. But it was time for Fledlik to speak.

#neurodiversity #neurodivergent #autism spectrum disorder #autism #aspergers #mental health

[adhd-asd]

how can one deal with not being able to afford getting evaluated/diagnosed for adhd? i've done lots of research online and meet nearly all the symptoms, and my therapist has suggested the possibility of me having it, but i can't afford to get evaluated and currently second guess everything wondering if i'm an imposter. is there a way to have certainty of whether or not i have adhd without getting professionally evaluated/diagnosed? i'm worried i'm just making things up or it's not that bad

     A lot of points to touch on here so I’m going to break up my responses into categories to make things a little easier to digest.

1. How can I be certain?

     I don’t know if you can be, and I don’t know if getting diagnosed would actually change that. Personally, I do have a professional diagnosis and I still worry that I’m just making things up sometimes; like I somehow tricked them into seeing something that isn’t really there or they got it wrong by mistake.

     If you’ve done your research and are reasonably convinced that you have ADHD, and you even have a therapist who corroborates that belief, I’d say you’re in a pretty good position, and you may be better off practicing coping with those feelings of uncertainty when they arise rather than trying to prevent them from ever happening in the first place. Hopefully the following paragraphs will be able to provide some tools and reassurances to help you do that.

2. What if I’m making it up?

     I’d highly recommend taking a look at this post which briefly explores potential sources of the self doubt that can come with ADHD and provides some reassurances and rebuttals to the idea that we might be faking it.

3. I’m worried it’s not that bad.

     You’re the only one who can decide how bad it is, because it’s dependent on your own feelings and experiences. Do you actually feel it’s not that bad? Do you feel it shouldn't be that bad? Or do other people tell you it’s not that bad? What matters is how you experience the world, not what anyone else says or expects.

     I have a friend who loves horror movies, whereas I can’t watch one without being seriously emotionally overwhelmed to the point of a meltdown. Does the fact that my friend can watch horror movies without issue mean that horror movies aren’t that bad? That I’m wrong about how they affect me? Of course not, because those are my genuine feelings and experiences, regardless of what I might expect or hope for, or what’s true for anyone else. My experiences matter and are worth acknowledging, no matter how atypical they are, and nothing anyone else says or feels is going to change that.

     It took me a while to get to this point of self-acceptance, though. I think it's pretty commmon for people growing up undiagnosed to internalise all their symptoms as personal failings and blame themselves for every perceived shortcoming. We tend to think that our problems are our own fault, and if we just tried harder, we could be like everyone else. This can make it difficult to recognise (and accept) our ADHD, because we might be tempted to write off all the symptoms as not being symptoms, but rather things that we could change and just haven't yet.

     Try taking some time to set aside your preconceptions and just be cognisant of your reality. Be honest with yourself about your own feelings and experiences and try not to downplay them or let expectations of what things “should” be like cloud your ability to recognise and acknowledge them for what they actually are.

     If it feels like your ADHD is significantly affecting you, then it almost definitely is. Even if you’re able to work really hard and overcome it, the fact that you had to put that much effort in means it was a significant obstacle in the first place. And if it really wasn’t that bad, I don’t think you would’ve sent this ask. It’d be a non-issue and you’d be able to ignore it or let it go without too much worry.

4. What if I’m wrong/an imposter?

     Well, what if you’re wrong? Would anything actually happen? You may feel a little silly, but I don’t see how such a mistake could actually hurt anyone. Even if it isn’t ADHD after all (which seems unlikely, given what you’ve said), you’re still experiencing difficulties that align with the symptoms, and finding ways to lessen the impact of those difficulties and make your life easier isn’t wrong of you.

     I constantly encourage people to make use of ADHD coping mechanisms if they’re helpful whether they have ADHD or not, and I’ve talked here and here about how I believe some coping is better than no coping, even if a mistake is being made in identifying the source. You’re doing the best you can with what you have for now, and if something changes down the line to make you reconsider your situation then that’s okay! It doesn’t retroactively mean that everything up to that point was for nothing.

     Figuring this stuff out is tough and sometimes even professionals get it wrong, so I certainly wouldn’t blame you if you did make a mistake, and I would hope that the resources and experiences you gather from your time exploring ADHD would be helpful to you regardless. Even if you come to the conclusion that your symptoms are relatively mild or infrequent after all, that doesn’t mean you can’t still have coping mechanisms at the ready for whenever they are a problem. There’s no “you must be at least this ADHD to cope” sign.

5. How do I cope?

     I have a post here that discusses coping with ADHD specifically without a formal diagnosis that may be helpful to start with. It mentions how I personally find that coping while diagnosed and coping while undiagnosed are almost identical, since a lot of our coping tends to rely on us speaking up about our needs and implementing changes in our own lives anyway.

     I’d also encourage you to make use of all the other posts and resources on my blog, seeing as this space is self-dx friendly, and I imagine a lot of other similar blogs are as well. And, of course, your therapist may be a good person to talk to about your concerns and possible coping strategies if you haven’t already.

TL;DR

Self doubt can be pretty common in ADHDers, and practicing coping with the uncertainty may be more beneficial than looking for ways to eliminate it entirely.

Trust your own understanding of your experiences over what other people tell you.

Even if a mistake is made, the symptoms that led to the self-diagnosis are still present and the coping strategies learned can still be beneficial.

A lot of ADHD coping comes down to self-implemented change, which you’re free to make use of regardless of diagnostic status.

     Thank you for your patience waiting for this response and I hope it helps! Good luck!

#Brady Answers #adhd #actually adhd #tips #long post #self diagnosis #our new ADHD motto: mistakes are okay!

[wonderlustxennial]

Thoughts on TFATWS Season 1, Episode 3

This shit has gotten ridiculous, so I’ve decided that I’m going to start doing reaction posts, rather than posting 20 individual observations. The following was written after my second viewing.

DISCLAIMER: Some of these are my observations, but others I didn’t notice until my favorite YouTube and Tumblr analysts pointed them out. I’ll try to drop credit where it’s due.

NOTE: There’s something I wish more people were talking about, and it’s down in the Madripoor section. If I’m reading this wrong, I would appreciate getting some help in seeing it. So, if you’re game, please check it out and let me know your thoughts. (#tw:racial bias)

[spoilers below the cut]

Walker Raiding the Flag Smasher Sanctuary

Here we get a further illustration that Walker not a defender; he’s working in the interest of fascists. Also, he’s on an invisible countdown to flip his shit. ALSO-also, dude just told the GRC cops not to give anyone “a second…to breathe.” (Marvel, what are you doing? I am not accustomed to relevance from you.) Did you notice the juxtaposition of Bucky asking the cops, “Don’t you know who he is?” to get the cops to stop harassing Sam, against Walker asking, “Do you know who I am?” while roughing up a refugee for not cooperating with him? Same asshole move, very different contexts. Anytime someone thinks it’s a good idea to say, “Do you know who I/this am/is?” they’ve already lost face.

Zemo in His Cell

Clearly, I’ll have to get better about zooming in on stuff, because this is the first time I’ve seen anyone catch that the book Zemo is reading in his prison cell is about Machiavelli AND Leonardo da Vinci; specifically, about how their friendship and exchange of ideas was highly influential on the future of the world. So, does Zemo think he’s Machiavelli or da Vinci, AND who is his “silent” partner? [I didn’t notice that, until The New Rockstars pointed it out (at 04:00 https://youtu.be/xHXhbw_EGL8) annnnnndddd now I’m going to have to read that fucking book (Fortune Is a River: Leonardo da Vinci & Niccolò Machiavelli’s Magnificent Dream to Change the Course the Florentine History by Roger D. Masters, and the bump in book sales is about to have Masters owing Marvel BIG TIME).]

Zemo Is “Royalty”

And here we have my first problem with this episode. BARONS ARE NOT ROYALTY. They’re nobles—low-ranking aristocracy. But do you know what does check out? Zemo and his butler’s thinly veiled distain at entertaining the two low-born Americans.

On the Plane

Look out, y’all: Satan just took the wheel.

THE NOTEBOOK/S

If Bucky has Steve’s notebook, what happened to the one he had in Romania? In CA:CW, I was stressing throughout that WHOLE fight and chase sequence that followed Bucky running from his apartment; not for his safety, but because I hated how vulnerable it left him to have to run without his notebook. I’m not even kidding. Because Steve picked up that notebook, right? Did he think to take it with him? Surely, an embassy or intelligence service swept Bucky’s living space afterward, so who has it now? THIS is the shit I obsess over. Who has that fucking notebook? WHO??!

TROUBLEMAN

There are at least three different things at play here. First, Sam’s enthusiasm and nostalgia for this relic made me tear up a little. He was so hopeful that Bucky would share Steve’s appreciation this classic piece of socially aware art. Second, we get more evidence that Bucky might be having a harder time adjusting to life as a white man in the 21st Century than we’re led to believe Steve did. Third, we know from Zemo’s interactions with his steward just seconds before that, when he praises Troubleman, what he’s actually doing is virtual signaling to build trust with Sam and put Bucky on the back foot. Fourth, I don’t think Sam knows for sure if Zemo appreciated it as much as it says, but he intuits enough about Zemo’s character to be aggravated at the inference they might have something in common; or, that Zemo might be manipulating him to empty rapport. (RIP, Marvin Gaye. You weren’t done.)

DAS OFFENE NEIN IN DER LIEBI

The New Rockstars win again. (Seriously, I have to start paying closer attention.) A book using mythology to explain the psychology of relationships, just before Zemo namechecks Red Skull. Oh shit, y’all.

ZEMO’S PHILOSOPHY ON SYMBOLS & POWER

The slipperiest thing about Zemo is that nearly everything he says has a kernel of truth; you just have to dig out what his true intentions are. Honestly, this is what makes him…I don’t know that he’s the most dangerous villain in the MCU, but it certainly sets him apart. He’s both educated AND smart (the latter doesn’t necessarily follow the former), and he’s particularly insightful in his ruminations on power and its potential to corrupt both the people who hold it and the people who admire them. Bucky and Sam both loved Steve deeply and believed wholeheartedly in the capacity he served as a defender; however, they have a tendency to over-romanticize both. Multiply that problem by the millions who never personally knew him and, when he’s gone, you get…fake!Cap.

More Relevance from Marvel

I read that Marvel had to do reshoots because a few of the themes in this show hit a little too close to home after the pandemic hit (also because the Black Widow movie was supposed to hit first, but again…global fuckery, so they had to shuffle a few plot points.) But also, refugees? “Displacement” camps? Hoarded resources? You don’t say?

Madripoor

Or “When Murder-Sugardaddy Goes Slumming with His Awkward Sugarbabies and Heinous Fuckery Most Foul Ensues”

AT THE CLUB

THE POWER BROKER. THE POWER BROKER. THE POWER… Soooooooo. Many. Name drops. At this point, I don’t even care to speculate on the identity of the mother-fucking Power Broker. Just surprise me already.

And here’s my (potential) second problem with this episode: The Black bartender doesn’t recognize the Black man he’s presumably seen before.

A CAVEAT TO START: I bartended very briefly in one of my many former lives. I was terrible at it. But here’s what’s relevant for the moment: when you work in the service industry, you meet a lot of fucking people, and you don’t necessarily remember them all. I would work giant events where I would serve 1,000+ people in a night, and people would complain all the time that I was carding them even though I’d served them previously. (1) I live in a state where alcohol is highly controlled, and the ABC Board is zealous about doing stake-outs to catch vendors serving to minors. The ABC Board enforcers would only see me serving someone without having carded them first—not all the times I served them previously. None of these people were EVER worth going to jail for over alcohol. Get your fucking card out—EVERY. GODDAMN. TIME. (2) Dude-man-bro, I’ll have served 1,000+ people by the end of the night. Get your fucking card out, EVERY. GODDAMN. TIME.

I’m not saying this bartender in a rogue nation should’ve carded all of his patrons; I’m only saying that when you work in the service industry, you can sometimes serve someone 20+ times before you finally recognize their face or learn their names, and the process can start all over again if they haven’t come in for a while.

Here’s the real issue with this scene, as I see it: In-group bias is an actual thing. There are disciplines of social psychologists and sociologists who specialize in studying it. We’re supposed to believe that the “Smiling Tiger” person Sam is posing as is well-known enough, both by reputation and in that establishment, that the bartender remembered his favorite drink but not Sam as an imposter? I can believe Selby, a Caucasian-European woman, didn’t recognize him on-sight. [Frankly, Whites can often (regrettably) get away with not making any effort to overcome cross-racial bias.] But what about this bartender not recognizing a notable local criminal’s face when they belong to the same racial group, when we’re led to believe he’s served him many times before? And how did he know Tiger-whatever’s favorite drink if the guy had never been in the club? Are we to infer this guy wasn’t high enough on the local criminal food chain to have merited an introduction to Selby?) Is this a plot hole, or am I reading too much into this? I just wonder, given how much this series has devoted to exploring racial relations.

Sam just saw Bucky the most vulnerable as I think he ever has. For the first time, very little was left to Sam’s imagination as to what it must’ve been like for Bucky and Isaiah to have been exploited. And Sam is so good, he can’t help but jeopardize the mission to check on the friend he can’t acknowledge to himself he’s found in Bucky. (He also has no guile, which is so very Steve of him! I’ve just loved Mackie’s performance this whole show.)

I don’t know what to think about how easily it came to Zemo to objectify and use Bucky, again—even if only to pretend.

Bucky is the MCU character I most identify with, but I don’t care to analyze the way the bar scene made me feel. I will say this much, though: THIS is how badly Bucky wants this whole thing resolved. He subjected himself willingly to the stuff of his nightmares, even if to just to perform in the world’s most dangerous live-action role play. As many people were taking pictures in the bar, it’s pretty safe to say that this charade is going to going to have long-term consequences.

People are talking about Bucky “suddenly losing his super-speed” when they had to hoof it away from the bar like it’s a lapse in characterization, but it’s not. Bucky could’ve taken off and left both Sam and Zemo sucking dirt, but he lagged to stay with them. He didn’t ghost them.

SHARON IS A BLACK-MARKET ART DEALER

Godammit. I despise the practice of the filthy rich removing fine art and cultural artifacts from the public view so they can use them for tax breaks and currency. Way to push my buttons, Marvel! And I’m so sure the National Art Gallery of Art and all other art museums worldwide will I mean WON’T appreciate Marvel calling into question the authenticity of their collections, seeing as museum funding and attendance is already anemic thanks to the pandemic. I know it’s bad priorities on my part, but that’s temporarily preempted how much I should probably sympathize with her after her abandonment.

EDIT: The person who gave Sharon the intelligence will figure she had something to do with his demise just a few hours later. I wonder if that will help/harm her ability to do business. Also: holding the barrel of that assault rifle while it fired off rounds should’ve burned her hand horribly.

ZEMO BREAKS THE INTERNET

Did anyone else think “Sprockets!” when Zemo started dancing??!

NAGEL

This is two references to Langley in one episode. For anyone not aware (especially non-Americans), “Langley” is commonly used to reference Langley, Virginia, which is where the most prominent institution is the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (C.I.A.) headquarters. Both Hoskins and Nagel name dropped them in the same episode. Shit.

The Sugars Roll Up to Zemo’s Latvian Bolthole

Bucky’s mission just got a helluva lot more complicated. Sam might have bought the “just going for a walk” bit, but I doubt Zemo did. Bucky owes the Wakandans, but he still needs Zemo. Oh, boy.

Wrap-Up

I’m going to keep coming back to how unexpected it’s been to me that Marvel has finally started to course correct, focusing on characterizations and bringing in themes that are relevant to current events. WandaVision’s explorations of Wanda’s mental health and Monica’s forging of her new identity and TFATWS trying to engage with the audience on topics like race, violence, exploitation, and identity is hugely compelling to me. It’s a fucking TV show, but at this point in popular cultural history, I can’t think of anyone/anything else better positioned to address all of this in an entertaining and accessible way.

#entertainment #mcu #tfatws #spoilers

[itspileofgoodthings]

Goodbye Blue Walls

[Dex and Lily, chapter 16, art by @scarvenartist​ ]

Blue Walls

Blue Walls Official Soundtrack  (with annotations here) 

Blue Walls Reader Soundtrack (an ongoing project: send me recs and I’ll add to this list!) 

I started this romcom project almost exactly a year ago. I wanted to see if I could push myself to finish a project that was longer than a couple of chapters and that had some semblance of an arc. I started it impulsively off of one of many romantic comedy scenarios that were bouncing around my head. (There isn’t actually anything in my head except potential romcom scenarios.) There were periods of time when I didn’t update at all and months when I thought about quitting, not even because I was stuck but because I thought it wasn’t good enough, not what I wanted it to be, why try when other people can do it better, and a million other reasons and excuses. But i practiced getting over myself, learning some humility, and trying to recapture some of the spirit of the beginning of this project, which was always: have fun, keep going, don’t expect the world right now. 

It’s been really quite a journey for me--and I don’t just mean the story. Here are some of the things I learned.

1. Fun doesn’t last.

Fun can start out as fun but it either isn’t real or sustainable and so fades away or it deepens into something real and then you are dealing with real challenges and, necessarily, some pain. In both the producing of it and in the story itself. Real things cost something. I’ve learned it’s a price I’m always willing to pay because I always want something that is real. A story that began as only an exercise, a bit of wish fulfillment, a place to play with no real stakes developed stakes because that’s what stories do. It’s hard for me as a writer and a person not to overreact to this realization, to let myself get pulled down under the expectations and pressure of something being serious, but it’s also a huge gift that the stakes are there. Turns out I only really care when there are stakes.

2. Humility isn’t beating yourself up.

I’ve read all the posts about “let yourself be bad at the beginning of a project!” etc. and I respect the spirit of them but it’s hard for me, really hard, to want to work on something when I know it is bad. What’s helpful for me is not being resigned to the fact that something is “bad” but forcing myself to look out and up at what it is that I’m working on. Characters, stories, have a life that springs from my heart and mind but isn’t synonymous with it. I can look at them, struggle with them, and learn something from them (almost) in the way I can with real people. If I think about my writing only in terms of “me me me me” I will be weighed down with fear, imposter syndrome, and crippling anxiety. The only way I could finish this story that I knew wasn’t perfect was to (try) to be humble about it, to think about it more and me less, to love it enough to want it to exist even if it was bad. I’m still very bad at this attitude. I’ve got a lot of pride and a lot of drive to be the best. But it’s so much easier to try this way than trying to resign myself to producing trash. 

3. People don’t see what you see when they read your story.

This has been one of my favorite things about this whole process and the most surprising. The things people see and focus on and draw out of a story are usually not the things I consciously put into it. And when you have good, willing, sensitive readers who bring their own experience and viewpoint to it they draw out layers you never saw and never intended and it makes the experience instantly richer. I learn so much more about my own story and about life in general from thoughtful readers. It’s so special to me.

4. Sometimes I Need To Calm Down/Shake It Off.

Taylor Swift, always right. Like I said above, anything that is real is going to matter, is going to have stakes, is going to have meaning even if it is Not The Most Important Ever and I think that’s important. But also--it isn’t important. In the sense of getting ego out of the way as much as possible and in the sense of not letting myself drown in sadness or inadequacy, this story isn’t life and death. Nobody is getting hurt. I can stop myself when I start to spiral. I can say this is ridiculous to worry about this. I can bring myself back to gratitude and humility. I can also put it away and come back to it later. I can breathe and sometimes I can laugh. 

5. You’ll get what you need when you need it

I started Blue Walls and I loved the feeling that it was a tiny little world of my own and that not everyone wanted to come in. (That’s another thing, I never ever ever want anyone to feel like they HAVE to read my writing. Even if we’re friends, even if you care about me, even if you care about me as a new writer. Sometimes it isn’t the right thing! Sometimes the interest isn’t there! Sometimes the energy isn’t there!! You can care about me and support me and never read my work. I, even to my own surprise, don’t mind when people don’t.) But there were people there at every stage. And just when i was about to give up or not follow through I would get another comment, another idea, someone drawing art work or linking me to a post. It felt-----don’t laugh-------very much like a moment of grace every time. Like I was being gently carried along by something outside of me and it was always those outside things, unasked for by me, mostly even unwished for, that helped me finish. Not strength from inside that I was drawing on. Not iron discipline or imagination. I needed to want to do it, i needed to do it, but also it’s not just me who is doing it. The inspirations/opportunities come from above or at least outside of you and you can’t create them yourself. 

On that note, thank you to the people who read this and kept up with it while I wrote it! @caelorens​ @megsann13​ @magpie-trove​ @catefrankie​ @apesoformythoughts​ @ben-solos-smile​ @ilovevanillatea​ @drharleyquinn-medicinewoman and @liridi whose beautiful art began this story and really pushed me to keep going and @scarvenartist​ whose art (and insightful comments) so beautifully closed out this romcom for me (and there are definitely others I’m missing!!! and I’m so sorry!!!!) 

I can’t put into words what your comments meant to me, how much they made me laugh and/or cry, how they made me feel seen and understood, how much they encouraged me, surprised me, inspired me. You didn’t HAVE to read this or comment as much as you did (you still don’t! or the next one either! no pressure ever!!) but you did and it meant the world to me. You found beauty and meaning in there that I know wasn’t fully realized in it yet but was there in potential and that has given me the most incredible hope and excitement about writing more. 

And thank you for letting me be dramatic and writing out this whole post!!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

(art by @liridi )

#blue walls #my romcom project #goodbye blue walls #i'm going to repress the urge to apologize for this post and just say thank you!!!!!!!! #this is a scheduled post

[brekkerisbae]

King of Scars

[ SPOILERS AHEAD ]

I'm a huge fan of the Six of Crows Duology, I think it was beautifully written- Kaz Brekker owns my heart, yada yada yada, it's a rant for another post. Since King of Scars was the very next book in line, and also a duology, a lot of people unsurprisingly compare the two books. But to understand them, it's imperative to realise that they have varied themes and go in completely different directions. SoC had a heist centred plot dealing with the found family trope, while KoS is a character study woven in the subplots- it thrives on court politics and the survival of Ravka thrown in the middle of a brewing civil war.

I'm late to the Grishaverse, and I started reading the trilogy only because I had lots of time to kill during the lockdown and also the Netflix series is soon to hit the screens. Since I read all these books one after the other, I'm pretty emotionally attached to these characters. As a reader, I also prefer my stories to be character driven rather than plot driven (because I'm a soft bitch who just wants to cry over fictional characters). The plot is still important, but fleshed out characters are just..*chef's kiss*

1. Nikolai- my main bone of contention while reading his chapters was the lack of sass and charm that drew me in initially when I read the grisha trilogy. He is a more flawed and humane character here, daddy issues and inner demons, imposter syndrome and depression included. While Sturmhound was reduced to a comic relief side character next to Alina, Nikolai is the centre of attraction here. He is a multifaceted King, struggling with the remnants of the Darkling's power and trying to maintain peace in his country. His character has more edge and depth, gone is the fun frivolous flirtatious young prince who was in control of every situation. This development was necessary and it just took me a while to come to terms with.

2. Zoya was phenomenal thru and thru. She was shown as a petty, immature badass soldier changing sides for some mysterious reason in the grisha trilogy. But here, we get an in-depth peek into her past, which explains so much of who she is and what she had at stake. She's a strong character, loyal and trustworthy. I'm glad that Leigh Bardugo didn't try to push a love story down our throats already because clearly Nikolai and Zoya's dynamic was just established and the kind of characters they are, they need time to build upon any romance. There were several hints dropped along the story, so the next book will hopefully deliver some steam.

3. Nina- oh god, the chirpy bubbly waffle queen Nina is nowhere to be seen post Matthias' death. Instead we have a hollow broken wounded puppy lashing out at anyone and everyone, scrambling to latch on to her remaining inner strength, and looking for a new purpose in life. I feel that her arc gets the most development, as we find her tutoring a young Fjerdan Grisha girl, at the same time risking herself to protect pregnant women from jurda parem experiments by the Fjerdan government. While most of her interactions and actions were centred around her relationship with Matthias in SoC, it's refreshing and empowering to see Nina struggle through the troubled waters all alone, relying on her powers to get shit done. I'm living for this growth!!

4. Isaak's subplot had a lot of potential to be something better, but idk why it got lost between the other important action stuff going on in the other subplots. In a way, the three POVs (Nina, Nikolai/Zoya, Isaak) sort of gave us crumbs of each development, but Nina's and Nikolai's stories just felt too different to exist in one narrative. Except for that one tiny glitch, this book has a very odd pacing- it's initially very slow and drags till the first 200 pages or so and then bam! lots of action and a sucker punch climax. 

BUT, I'd say that I really enjoyed the book- the characters grew immensely and the plot is going in a very interesting direction. I low-key expected that ending so I'm not exactly suprised, and I'm excited to see what Bardugo has planned for the Darkling in the sequel. I mean, he can rot in hell for all I care, but seriously tho, he doesn't deserve a redemption arc. I just don't trust him anymore. If Alina comes back in the next book, ugh, I'll just- let's not even go there.

#ya fantasy #king of scars #six of crows #leigh bardugo #bookblr #book review #bookblogger #booksofinstagram #ravka #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #nina zenik

[everydayalesson-blog]

Does journaling really matter?

I like the concept of journaling.  The problem is, it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone who advocates for it who references any true objective findings.  Keeping a journal seems to be primarily appealing because of the perceived outlet for internalized frustrations.  I can’t speak for others, obviously, but this certainly holds true for me, personally.

 Objective findings get messier when it comes to mental health in the first place.  I also wonder about others finding my journal and reading it.  I don’t obsess over it, but I worry enough that I don’t think I could be entirely straightforward.  I may still, to some degree, filter my feelings.  If I still have to filter what I say, even to myself, it seems it’s all the less beneficial.

I find myself feeling guilty quite often.  It seems to come and go in spurts.  I have difficulty ever really getting to the bottom of why I feel this way.  I get angry with myself when I feel I haven’t accomplished enough in a given day.  If I spend the day doing mostly nonproductive activities, like watching tv, playing videogames, or scrolling social media.  I want to reach my potential, mentally and physically.  I want to feel strong and sharp on a regular basis.

My new job has been a large source of stress.  I should be happy to have obtained what is arguably the pinnacle of my chosen profession, but I can’t help but feel disappointed.  It’s far from what I hoped it would be.  I’ve met many people there who seem to have starkly different perspectives than I do.  At face value, this could be argued to be a positive.  I try to take this into account.  I don’t believe I’m arrogant.  I don’t think I know best about all things or even most things.  I am open minded to new information and believe a fresh paradigm is beneficial.   That being said, I despise some of the people I work with.  I’m frustrated with the perspective that I am new, inexperienced, and less valuable.  I’m frustrated with my work frustrations being so dominant over the rest of my time, even outside of work.  It’s very difficult to find joy in things lately.  I find myself wanting to drink more often than I’d like to.  Not so much just wanting to drink, but just craving the opportunity for silence.  I just want to turn off my mind.  The constant barrage of unwanted negative thoughts is simply fucking exhausting.  I wish I had the understanding or training to be able to shift my thoughts to something more positive.  I’m otherwise quite objective in my observations, I think.  Except, when it comes to myself and my own performance.  I’m aware that I’m too critical.  I’m far more understanding when it comes to others failing or making mistakes.  This does not escape me.  I try to bring this fact to the forefront of my attention when I can feel my negativity becoming irrational and unreasonable.  There are many qualities about myself i wish I could change.  It makes me furious to even conceptualize this statement.  These are my thoughts and my mind, right?  If anyone can change them, it’s me.  I produce them, but I don’t decide what just naturally comes to mind.  I’ve tried to force myself to think positive things.  Exercises like that feel something like smiling into a mirror to convince one they are happy.  It feels disingenuous and unproductive.  If anything, it contributes to more negativity because I feel foolish because it seems to require so much effort to even summon up some positive feelings about myself.  I believe I’m intelligent.  I believe I’m not totally without value, but I also feel I have so many areas that need improvement.  One day, I can convince myself I could run an entire corporation with more efficiency and passion than anyone else.  Other days it’s the opposite.  Most days, if I’m honest, I feel like a complete imposter.  I feel like I lucked into my job and my position.  That I’m lazy, stupid, selfish, undisciplined, egotistical, and obsessive. 

One of my least favorite traits about myself is my inability to manage my time well.  Specifically, when it comes to conversing with others.  I don’t like to be long winded.  It’s one my greatest insecurities.  Having the sudden realization that the person I’m talking to has actually been doing their best to politely slip away from the conversation is a horrendous feeling.  I think of it as holding someone hostage with social etiquette.  We’ve all experienced it and everyone that has hates it.  To think that I have done that and even still continue to do it creates a lot of internal conflict within me.  It seems like a narcissitic quality to be even capable of holding a conversation and being unable to pick up on another person wanting to leave or stop.  I even had an intervention type call with two members of leadership from work who amongst a laundry list of other things that I seemed to have fucked up, also threw in that there were some complaints about my long winded nature keeping others at shift change from being able to complete their morning duties in a timely manner.  

As angry as that made me, I also understood how it’s awkward to bring up to someone in person that you’d like them to stop talking without sounding rude.  It’s easy to see how one would believe a conversation like that would effect future interactions with that employee.  Honestly, to hear it directly from the other person may have effected me more directly that hearing it from leadership.  It feels dramatic to say my worst fears came true to hear that.  It’s not how I feel, not exactly, anyways.  It is still something I already have a lot of anxiety about though.  Generally, especially when I’m around new people, I’m very self-conscious about speaking in excess.  So, to hear from anyone that it was specifically an issue at my place of employment is a truly horrible feeling.  It’s difficult to describe.  I KNOW I need to improve in this area, but I simply don’t know how to without taking it to the opposite extreme, which also makes others uncomfortable. 

It makes some sense that if I just get more out of what I’m thinking about on paper, maybe I won’t just unload on people when I see an opportunity to talk.  That’s the primary thing that draws me to journaling or keeping a diary.  That and potentially gaining some new perspective without having to assault someone with all my self generated fucking issues.  

Even now, I feel angry that I’m even spending time typing this long winded text post.  Why?  What good will it do?  What if I do actually have someone who still monitors this dusty old account and this even ends up causing some kind of negative backlash because I sound like a maniac?  If I actually feel some kind of release from typing all this fucking nonsense, will it go away if I delete this tyrade once I’m through?  Does it have to be posted so I know others may read it?  Probably, it’s different with everyone.  Probably, if I want something good to come from it I should force myself to express some gratitude.  

1.  I’m thankful for my job.  It’s given me opportunities and I still see potential for things to get a lot better with time.

2.  I’m thankful for my relationship.  I have a healthy, happy relationship with a girl I truly love and it doesn’t frighten me to envision a relationship with her going further.  I wasn’t sure I was capable of doing that anymore and it gives me a lot of hope for our future together.

3.  I’m thankful for my home.  I live in a nice place with a lot of nice things.  I have the space I need and the location is good.  We live in a safe place near a lot of things of interest.  It’s the most anywhere has felt like a real home to me.

4.  I’m thankful for my health.  I feel and look to be in good physical condition and don’t have any significant injuries that effect my day to day life despite my career and life choices up to this point.

5.  I’m thankful for my financial situation.  While I was more fortunate than many financially growing up, the status of my bank account is largely a reflection on myself and sound decision making.  I’ve continue to invest money and leave money alone.  I do things I want and buy what I’d like, but not in gross excess.  I believe I have a good perspective when it comes to money.  

6.  I’m thankful for my mind and my passions.  Even though I can get frustrated about how my thoughts can feel difficult to manage, I still recognize I have a sharp mind with a lot of potential.  I’m glad that I have found a career field that excites me.  I’d much rather have my passion for my job than to be uninspired and empty with no particular interests in work.  

6 good things wasn’t terribly challenging, but I feel like mentally when I’ve tried this little exercise, I’ve used similar if not the same things.  Does it really count if you point out the same stuff again and again?  The real question is, do I feel any better now than I did before I started all this typing?  Do I feel different at all?  Should I feel anything right away?  

I don’t feel any different for now.  I just feel like going to the liquor store.  I guess we’ll see.

[deniigi]

Hi, I've been following your works and they're absolutely fantasmic! Do you have any advice for those who are considering post-bachelors degrees but cannot find motivation to do so? It just feels like a big commitment. Was it worth it for you? And if it's not invasive to ask, what are you getting your PhD in?

Hi anon!

Thank you for the compliment!

Ah, more grad school questions! And a good one too.

So first off, I’m more than happy to say that I’m getting my PhD in History, specifically, I’m doing my project on poor and working-class children and childhood during the Victorian Era (NOT child labor, no one talk to me about child labor. There is more to the past than child labor ffs). I’m happy to chat more about this with folks if they want, but I’d rather do it in the chat if y’all don’t mind.

Okay, so there’s a lot of ways your question about motivation can go and everyone is going to have very different responses to it, so, anon, my gut instinct is to throw the question back at you:

Why do you want to do grad school?

That’s a big question, though, so to break that down, I’m more asking you to ask yourself:

What will grad school give you that life experience will not?

Is there a particular job, experience, program, etc that requires you to get this degree?

Are you potentially using grad school to avoid another part of your life that you are unhappy with? (ie. do you feel that having a grad degree/entering a grad program will: make you smarter in the eyes of others, put a hold on your financial obligations (like paying back loans), give you an excuse not to be/interact with others, or provide you with motivation to handle mental illness (ie. Having school to go to will force me into a routine which is good for my depression/anxiety, etc)? - **if you answer any of these example questions with a ‘yes,’ you may not want to jump into a program yet. We can talk about that in a different post if you want to know why.

How long are you willing to disrupt your life by entering this program? (Or perhaps, more importantly, are you willing and do you understand the impact that entering a program will have on your other life goals?)

I ask you these questions, not to discourage you, but to really make you think about why you are doing what you are doing. If you are not motivated and excited to apply for grad school, then the chances of you becoming excited/motivated when you are in your program are pretty touch and go (like, people often go into programs thinking that they’re immediately going to be studying shit that’s relevant to them and that they’re going to start immediately working on X part of their project which is really going to make a difference to humanity--and honestly? That’s not how it works, most of the time. You should know going in that the first semester or two of grad school is just going to be kind of like the level of school before it (undergrad, if you’re going for your master’s, master’s if you’re going for your phd), but with greater expectations.

These are skill-building courses (or, as I like to think of them, Academic Hazing Courses.) they test you to see if you’ve got what it takes. So, like, for example. In my Master’s program, we all had to take a class which we called History Bootcamp, where we were reading a book and 2 articles a week, on top of writing a book review of that piece which summarized, analyzed, and criticized the book in reference to the articles and having 3hr discussions over the reading during seminar. And while that probs doesn’t sound like much, around week 4 of that shit (and work you’re doing for your other seminar and that undergrad class you’re taking), when they assign you the 800pg tome and you’re blinking back tears, you really start to think about whether or not you’re cut out for this.

Now, my dear. For some idiots like me, I see that shit in front of me and shriek ‘BRING IT ON.’ But others see that kind of thing and kind of go, ‘WOW THAT TRIGGERS MY ANXIETY’ or ‘WOW I AM FALLING INTO EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT’

So I would say that if you’re trying to motivate yourself, maybe do a little more research about what your program entails and answer that big question: Why do you want to do grad school?

Write it out and read it out and if you’re excited at what you get at the end of that big, long, good think, then make a list of all the shit you have to do for each application. There are a lot of things that you can do to get yourself on track and to get all worked up about your programs, but I think the most important and sustaining way of doing this is answering the big question, first anon.

If you want to chat more about this, please go ahead and drop me another message here, or in the chat and I’ll be happy to talk more about grad school with you.

As for the ‘is it worth it?’ question--well, that depends on what you value in life.

For me? Yes. It is. It has been. I am fucking broke and I have anxiety and imposter syndrome and I am literally an ocean away from the people who I love in the name of the pursuit of knowledge or some shit.

But yes. I’ve decided that this sacrifice will pay off. Somehow, anyways. But I’m not gonna sit here and lie to you and say that everyone’s sacrifices will pay off and that grad school is any better than gaining work experience/experience outside of the ivory tower.

I wish I had better answers for you, my dear. But these types of decisions are best managed on a case-by-case basis. So again, I am more than happy to chat with anyone who is thinking about grad school or who would like some insight into the experiences of academia, or who is just trying to make it through undergrad, etc.

#not fic! #me! #for real though #I can talk about this shit for days #grad school

[psychedaboutstudying]

Week 1 of my gradventures

This has been the first week of me being officially (*) a PhD student. I am officially starting out 2 days a week and I'm happy I am not starting full time, because I am EXHAUSTED from doing barely anything

I also just want to say that a few people have said really sweet things to my post last week and it made so happy and a thousand times more excited so thank you!! @sophielovesbooks​ @brandnewleaves​ @booknerdphd @prettyhugedreams

Monday 01/07/2019

Introduction talk with one of my potential daily supervisors and the other PhD student starting soon. It was so much information and, knowing myself, I took LOTS of notes. Just need to get through it once again and make an action plan. Also, so many e-mails!

(*) Unfortunately, my account wasn't ready in time, which means I have access to literally nothing (like coffee or my office)

Had lunch with my new coworkers (!!). I am always the shy one, but I said some actual words like “sounds cool!” and “how long have you been here?” and “nice to meet you”. Very proud

I  brainstormed and read a bit about my topic, but around 14:30 my head just stopped processing. I went home and stayed in bed most of the day

Tuesday 02/07/2019

Symposium day. I attended 7 talks, some by coworkers, and I met some people too. I did not speak up during discussions but at least I spoke during drinks afterwards. Man, imposter syndrome is real :( I was talking to all these recent master graduates and I feel like they are much more confident and I really do keep thinking that the fact that I am here is due to luck alone.

Wednesday 03/07/2019 : not a PhD day but I just want to share:

I had the end performance for my choir. It was bittersweet, because I loved singing with people but it was the last one for me because of PhD scheduling conflicts

The Netherlands made it to the world cup final!!!

I was with friends and I was happy

Thursday 05/07/2019

Today I had 3 meetings planned

Big lunch meeting with the faculty board and the whole department

Meeting with the project team to discuss some tasks and practical matters regarding data collection

Meeting to discuss who my daily supervisor will be. I am really happy with the outcome and looking forward to working with her as well as with others. This was the meeting I dreaded the most because I had to discuss my research interests and a small part of me was so scared that they would laugh and say that my ideas were ridiculous and what the hell was I doing there? But then I pitched my ideas and they nodded and they were okay with it so now I get to do what I want!!

I met more people and did some reading and thinking. I am not yet tired of the 1.5hr commute because I do get some things done in terms of reading or writing, but it will be even better when I get a laptop.

#gradblr #grad life #phd #phd life #gradventures #my posts #grad school #phdblr

[thesustainableswap]

Making Peace With Failure.

I am failing. I have failed. All throughout my life. But I am learning to look at my failures with happiness, rather than regret or sadness. Often times, things we have performed badly at become things we are ashamed of. I have a serious case of imposter syndrome where I feel like I have to have complete knowledge on a subject before I speak about it which leads to me feeling deflated and not good enough - but I’m working on it.

I try to remind myself that failure happens in everyone’s life. Often. I’m trying to live a zero waste, vegan, and sustainable lifestyle but do I slip up sometimes? Yes. Are people perfect? No. I’ve met people who shop secondhand but still eat a diet heavy in meat. People who are vegan but still buy bottled water. A lot of people when they hear that I am a vegetarian on the cusp of veganism, or when I talk about my blog, think I will shout them down for their lifestyle, but I have always had the mindset of, if everyone does a little - that would help a lot. That’s good enough for me.

So what do I do when the impending doom of potential failure looks at me in the mirror? I try to recognise it as myself. Because I am the person who brings my failure into my life. It’s important to not dwell on the bad stuff and find the positive in everything, so I’m going to share some of my failures with you, and why they were positive moments in my life.

1. I was in a small time band and we were doing okay, but then we split up.

I look back on this moment now and I am relieved it didn’t work out (much to my Dad’s dismay. Sorry Dad!) I was the lead singer of Chase The Enemy, don’t worry if you haven’t heard of us, we really weren’t a big deal. I definitely thought, in my teenage brain, that we were going to be the next female fronted rock band. We had embarked on two very small tours (very small, pretty much around the South East of England), and had also started to have some small features in magazines like Rock Sound, Kerrang! and Big Cheese. Sounds exciting, but this period was a really unhappy time in my life, because my 16 year old self felt like she was going through the biggest heartbreak of her life. In fact, I was in a breakup for roughly around two or three years. It was one of those relationships that really dragged on, and my mental health also took a turn around this time, where at 18 I had a severe panic attack in which I genuinely thought I would die (because as we now know, panic attacks feel like heart attacks). If that band hadn’t split up, there’s a chance that terrible relationship could of dragged on and my mental health would have continued to deteriorate. I can look back on the band now and see the highs, because I’m no longer living in the lows. That is the positive for me. I am thankful every day that the band split up.

2. I struggled to get into drama school, and when I was accepted I couldn’t attend.

I took two gap years to audition for acting courses at several drama schools in London. This also overlapped with my panic attack which I’d mentioned previously, as the band had ended as this portion of my life was beginning. I really didn’t like drama school auditions, as most of the time I felt like cattle. Honestly. Some of the schools seem to cram hundreds of people into a room. It feels uncaring. I had desperately wanted to attend LIPA and got a recall for the course during my first gap year. When I went back for the second round I remember having to lie on the floor in a movement class and pretend I was in a bubble and it could be made out of whatever I wanted it to be made out of. The teacher would let us know if it got bigger or smaller and then would ask us how we were reacting to said bubble. So there I was, on the floor of a school in Liverpool, feeling completely stupid because I couldn’t pretend that I was in a bubble. Because there was no bubble. I was devastated when I was rejected, and in my second year of auditioning I didn’t even get a recall. I finally got accepted at a school in New York. Wowzers. But surprise surprise the fees were ridiculous so I had to close that chapter as soon as it opened. Luckily, in 2015 I was accepted at ICMP where I studied Vocal Performance - and music was my first love so everything clicked into place. I ended up with a first class honours degree and learnt so much from my amazing tutors there. I also met some friends for life, and the love of my life. So, sometimes failings lead us to what we were truly meant to do.

3. I have no clue what I’m doing now.

I know - can this one really be a failure when I haven’t listed anything specifically that I’ve failed at? Thoughts are strange things, but here we go: I moved to France with my partner because of Brexit and we currently live with his family. I write music and have been recording an EP. I started this blog because I have a passion for sustainability and wellbeing. Right now these sound like statements of things that are happening, but I have already felt like I’ve failed at all of them even though they have only just begun. Moving back in with family after university and years of independence always feels like failure at first. You’ve just graduated. You’re meant to be in the real world but instead you find yourself clueless with no idea where you’re going. I studied music, I love to sing, I’m currently writing songs and planning to start gigging next year, but I’m teaching kids English five days a week and making them toast. And then, when it comes to posting on this blog sometimes I don’t feel like I have the credentials to even be raising my voice. But from all of these internal failures and feelings I’ve learnt that patience is key. And happiness comes from within us. I may just be an English speaking nanny to the kids I look after, and I may just be my partner’s girlfriend to his family, but it is so valuable to take the time to ask yourself what is important in your life. To assess all of your failures, and make peace with them.

So, I read a lot, I listen to way too much of the Deliciously Ella podcast, and I spend time with my partner and our cat. I write on this blog and record music in my spare time. I try to focus on the now rather than the future. With each failure, I count my blessings and am thankful for each one. Because if I had got into drama school in Liverpool, or had world wide success with the band I was in, or not moved to France, I wouldn’t be here, now. I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t of met the same people and formed any of the relationships that are so special to me. Failures are a wonderful thing, because they guide us on our journey to discovery and purpose.

Until next time,

The Sustainable Swap.

(P.S - some of my favourite books at the moment: Solve for Happy by Mo Gawdat, The Imposter Cure by Dr Jessamy Hibberd and Brain Changer by Professor Felice Jacka. Also one of my best friends has just started an Instagram for her book collection check it out at Dog Ears and Coffee Stains)

#the sustainable swap #sustainable #sustainability #sustainable blogger #sustainable blog #wellbeing #mental health #failure #how to fail #making peace #moving on #wellbeing blog #wellbeing blogger #Books #Wellbeing books #Self help books #I love books

[obscurelocalstranger]

It's 4 am nearly 5 am forbidden thoughts therapy time.

So I have realized a thing. Idk why precisely I do it but I do this thing where, especially when I'm anxious or whatever, I like unintentionally say exactly too much about something? Like idk, specifically saying the wrong thing to a friend and then feeling worse about the thing and it's just a spiral of sorry I didn't mean to be a shitty friend. And I think maybe I do it like as that imposter syndrome anxiety thing, like the "hello pls notice that I am garbage and go away because I don't deserve friends" absolutely awful brain voice. Which is dumb rly b/c like obvs I don't want to not have friends.

I think too there's like for sure some kind of idk whatever atypicality brain thing where it's like also being overly honest. Like let me tell you this truth (or thing I think is true about me) and then see where we are and historically that has gone poorly. Like not on a level of fear of submission to being known thing, more like, just because a thing is true doesn't mean it's appropriate to ever say even if u think ur good enough friends with someone or like you try to say it like you're just talking but thinking about it, even sometimes immediately after the fact there's no way to make it not sound like ur just being shitty?

I'll give you an example. Like one year in college I roomed with 3 other girls and we were pretty close. I was closer with the suite mates than my actual roommate tho, right? So the three of us would hang out and my roommate would like idk go do whatever it is she did. Now at the time, I didn't know I was queer right, but like one of the suitemates and I fell into like a real easy friendship (I'd known her for 2 yrs previous but we weren't bffs or anything) and even other people were like "lol y'all are so married" and we kinda were? Like we made dinner together a couple times a week (she would call me at work like "I'm making x for dinner okay") and shared chores and sat around watching movies and just friend/roommate stuff rly but idk. It was nice. As an ace it was like idk 85% of what I would want in a relationship even tho I didn't think about it that way at the time. It was that queer friendship limbo thing or whatever that one post was saying. Like except she got engaged to a dude uh right after that and idk if she would call herself queer in any sense. But anyway, I'm rambling.

So we were having a rly nice comfortable time and this was before like my whole family started dying off so I didn't have all the weird grief depression but I was still an anxious bean and idk what prompted the convo but she says to me one day something about how we were friends from like the first day of college and I said yeah and she mentioned idk something and I jokingly? But like it was true but I didn't mean to hurt her feelings I don't think? Said like "well I'll be real I thought it was a little weird you would wait outside my dorm sometimes when I wasn't home" which like that is genuinely a weird thing she did, but it's also completely not a thing you say to someone. Idk. But yeah it's like I get to feeling safe and then I say some too far truth thing and it fucks up whatever the friendship was. Because honestly after that it went downhill and she just like distanced herself from me a lot which was awkward but like didn't flat out say anything and like I was still trying to be friends because I didn't entirely think I had done something wrong? I guess? Idk what I thought tbh but we were supposed to room together the next year and it got closer and closer to sign ups and she like kept ignoring me and then finally sent me a text saying she had found other roommates. Like we still lived together and she essentially sent me a breakup text! Like that's wild! I still can't believe that happened.

So yeah idk just thinking about that. Like idk how to not do those things. Like I have caught myself in the middle of doing it and still done it. Idk if social self harm is a thing but maybe it's like that. Like it's obvs not the same as physical harm (I've never felt the need to do that outside of like extreme nail biting which sounds like nothing but it's for sure like gotta be somewhere in that wheelhouse) and I don't mean that it is the same, I just meant like as far as where the mentality of it is coming from. Like there's the endorphins or high or whatever from the being honest on a thing but then like all the pain or regret or potential loss or dread of outcome to follow depending on how it gets taken. Maybe it's more a depression response than anxiety come to think of it. Or some weird combo. Idk man I'm just out here self analyzing with absolutely no background to know what I'm saying.

This is one of those "I am putting this out into the world so it's not just in my head" posts. Bless u if u read this, hope it wasn't triggering, let me know if I need to tag something

#Lots of anxiety and depression thoughts #I can't afford therapy so I just dissect my own brain

[mrsspidermanmaryjanewatsonparker]

I cannot figure out how to sign up or log in to gizmodo to explain directly to the author how wrong and broken they are so this will have to do. If anyone is able to post on this site I’d love them to link to this.

 “Although Peter Parker had several love interests in his early comic book history—most notably, of course, Gwen Stacy—when Mary Jane Watson was introduced, she was clearly the be-all and end-all of Spidey relationships. ”

 This is wrong on two counts.

 If we define MJ’s introduction as ASm #25 where we first see and hear her then she was absolutely not the be all and end all of Spidey’s relationships. They weren’t in a relationship and she existed as a gag nothing more.

 Fair enough though, few people count that preferring her furst full debut in ASM #42. Even then that statement is wrong.

MJ was introduced as a rival and foil to Gwen Stacy who was the actually intended endgame be all end all love interest.

 “Before that, early issues of Amazing Spider-Man spent almost a year teasing her as a potential romantic partner for Peter, with Aunt May constantly trying to set up a date between Peter and the mysterious, unseen Ms. Watson. Peter wouldn’t first meet MJ until the final moments of Amazing Spider-Man #42—with the cry of her famous line, “Face it, tiger... you just hit the jackpot!”—and it was love at first sight.”

 Oh okay so they do know about her pre- ASM #42 appearences they are just wilfully ignoring it.

 More importantly it was never love at first sight. Peter was attracted to her but he wasn’t in love with her at all and like 2 issues later was thinking how he actually didn’t like her.

 “Peter immediately began dating her, but it didn’t last that long, and the couple eventually broke up for the first of many times. ”

 Again wrong.

 Peter and MJ at best casually dated. They were not exclusive and not going steady therefore no break up ever occurred.

 “This led to Peter dating Gwen again while MJ, still a good friend to the duo, hooked up with Harry Osborn.”

 Again wrong. MJ and Gwen being friends is contentious. They were in the same friendship group but were not particularly close. Moreover Peter and MJ as I said never broke up. Peter began courting Gwen and said nothing to MJ who had herself been casually dating Harry too.

 This was the 1960s and college kids there was a lot of freely traded flirting and dating at the time. In truth Gwen and Harry were dating slightly more seriously but they didn’t even break up and when Gwen and Peter began courting that pissed Harry off.

 MJ didn’t even immediately begin dating Harry after Peter and Gwen got serious and when she did they were again not exclusive though Harry believed they were. Hence the famous panel in ASM #97 wherein Harry tells MJ she’s his girl and she dumps his ass telling him she’s no one’s girl but her own.

 “Gwen’s now-iconic death at the hands of the Green Goblin in Amazing Spider-Man #121 drove Peter and Mary Jane together again as they both tried to come to terms with the loss of Gwen.”

 This is also not strictly speaking true. Yes Gwen’s death was the catalyst but they were not bonding over a mutual loss of Gwen. MJ supported Peter in his time of need which led to their friendship deepening and spending more time together and from these interactions they fell in love.

 Had other circumstances served to allow a (single) Peter and MJ spent more time together, gotten to know each other better, showcased a lot of care and loyalty to one another the same scenario would’ve occurred. But Gwen’s death was such a big deal it threw them together is all.

 “But once more, it didn’t last that long—Peter’s dual life as Spidey began to tear them apart, and when Peter offered a hasty marriage proposal, Mary Jane turned him down, and decided to escape her stressful life with a move away from New York, leaving Peter on his own again.”

 Again this is incredibly incorrect.

 The first time Peter and MJ were explicitly dating on the page was ASM #136 (the debut of Harry as the new Green Goblin btw) in 1974. Their relationship BEGAN to fall apart after Peter’s proposal in ASM #182 and her rejection of it in ASM #183 in 1978. They were still together though but there was an understanding they were no longer exclusive or going steady so they saw other people whilst still seeing one another and steadily drifting apart in spite of efforts to try and repair their relationship. The final end came though in ASM #1992-193 in 1979. Peter made one last effort to fix things with MJ and convinced her to go on a date with him but Spider-Business made him miss it and so MJ decided she was done with him, telling him as much in the next issue.

This means Peter and MJ had some form of relationship, USUALLY a serious and exclusive one (across THREE titles!) for four to five years!  So ‘didn’t last long’ my ass.

Moreover MJ’s move out of New York wasn’t immediate. She appeared two more times, once in Spectacular Spider-Man #38 and then again in ASM #201 both in 1979.

Only after this did MJ move away and at the time it wasn’t even talked about IIRC. She was just phased out of the series without mention and only later did we learn her absence was due to her having moved away. It was even later that we found out her move away was partially prompted by Peter’s proposal and more significantly her learning he was Spider-Man.

 “Upon her return (and the reveal that she had figured out that Peter is Spider-Man), the two remained friends.”

 Again this is grossly over simplifying things.

 MJ returned in ASM #241-242 in 1983 and revealed she knew Peter’s identity in ASM #257 in 1984. During the interim Peter and MJ were still friendly with one another.

It was the reveal of her knowledge of his dual life along with her own painful past that made them CLOSER friends and confidants.

 “But dual traumas—Peter losing his close friend Ned Leeds, and Mary Jane confronting her crooked father—led to the two getting closer again, and this time Peter’s second marriage proposal stuck. Well, actually, MJ turned him down again but eventually reconsidered.”

 Again no.

 Peter and MJ grew closer following MJ revealing her secret history in ASM #259 and then they CONTINUED to grow ever closer thereafter.

 Ned Leeds death and MJ confronting her father were part of that sure, but they weren’t the root cause.

 Ned’s death was likely the motivation Peer needed to propose a second time and dealing with her Dad is THE thing that led MJ to accept the proposal, but they were already in love, already effectively dating and already very close.

 “Peter and MJ’s married life was defined by a frankly absurd amount of drama. ”

 God. An absurd amount of drama in a SUPERHERO story. Who’s ever heard of such a thing.

 Thank God there wasn’t as much drama in Superman and Lois Lane’s relationship across 70 years or Reed and Sue’s marriage across 45 years.

 It’s not like at one point they split up because Reed put their son into a coma   or Sue miscarried their child only to become reimpregnated with her years later.

 “Mary Jane’s modelling career hit new highs after her marriage, only for her to be stalked by her former landlord, who not only ruined her career but then kidnapped her (the first of many, many kidnappings during her marriage). ”

 Again kidnappings of a superhero’s loved ones! *clutches pearls*

Also MJ’s career was ruined by Jonathan Caesar AFTER he stalked and kidnapped her. FFS at least get the sequence of events right Wikipedia explains this better!

 “Meanwhile, Peter was distraught by the arrival of a couple claiming to be his long-thought-dead parents. Once they were revealed to be Life Model Decoy robots sent by the Chameleon (hired by Harry Osborn in an attempt to get revenge for the death of his father Norman, a.k.a. the Green Goblin) to kill him, Peter had a total mental breakdown, abandoning Mary Jane for a while before they eventually reunited.”

 The article pretends like the above event quickly followed the former when it didn’t.

 Moreover it claims Peter’s mental breakdown was specifically due to his parents being imposters but it wasn’t. It was actually multiple incidents gradually putting him under immense strength and the straw that broke him was actually Aunt May’s coma.

 Like...maybe fucking READ the comic where he breaks down maybe?

 It’s also debatable to say he ever actually abandoned MJ. He went off the rails briefly in that story but it was actually MJ who temporarily abandoned him though she made it clear she would be coming back.

 Then after a lot of other stuff they reunited.

  “And then, oh and then, there’s the Clone Saga, one of the most infamous Spider-Man stories ever told. ”

 FALSE! Peter and MJ’s reconciliation happened DURING the Clone Saga not before.

 “In between all the wild nonsense about Peter clones, Ben Reilly, and Peter being convinced that he’s a clone so he abandons being Spider-Man altogether, Mary Jane became pregnant, only to tragically give birth to a stillborn child after she was poisoned by an agent of the Green Goblin. ”

 Again not true.

 Peter didn’t abandon being Spider-Man because he was a clone. The story arcs ‘Exiled’ and the ‘The Greatest Responsibility’ make it explicit that just because Peter is the clone doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be Spider-Man. It was decided peter SHOULD remain Spider-Man but it was actually his impending fatherhood that led Peter to retire and hand the mantle to Ben.

 Also MJ giving birth to a stillborn child is at best debatable.

 It’s HEAVILY implied Norman merely faked the baby’s death. This makes more sense for his character too.

 “The horror and stress of the whole event—which culminated in the return of Norman Osborn, the apparent death of Ben Reilly (don’t worry, he got better too, eventually, sort of), and Peter’s return to the Spider-Mantle—understandably put the couple’s relationship on the rocks.”

 No it didn’t.

 The story arc in which Norman returned, Ben died and the couple believed their child to have died actually ends with the reaffirmation of their relationship and shows them growing closer and stronger from it.

 This is then corroborated in the very next issue, Spec #241 which again reaffirms they’re relationship is strong.

 “Then MJ got kidnapped (again) by a telepathic mutant who wanted to steal Peter’s life (and his wife) and staged a plane explosion in Amazing Spider-Man#13, which led to Peter believing MJ was dead for over a year. ”

 FALSE!

 Not only did he skip over more than TWO YEARS worth of stories by jumping immediately from the end of the Clone Saga in 1996 to the Mackie/Byrne era (which began in 1998 with the plane crash in 2000) but he also falsely claims Peter believed MJ was dead for over a year.

 He didn’t.

 MJ was presumed dead by the public for just 6 months and for the MAJORITY of that time Peter was in denial over her death. When he found her alive he even admitted he never truly believed she was dead. Meaning Peter NEVER thought she was dead and felt that way for 6 months not 12.

 “As if all this wasn’t more than enough kicks while Peter and MJ were down, Civil War broke out in the Marvel universe in 2006, which saw Peter’s identity made public, the superhero community tearing itself apart over something that is in equal parts tragic and dumb, and Aunt May and MJ having to go on the run after Spider-Man’s ginormous roster of foes started chasing them in the wake of Peter’s big, foolish reveal.”

 Wow there is so much misinformation to unpack here.

 Okay, so first of all Peter and MJ WEREN’T separated or dealing with the fallout of MJ’s trauma when Civil War occurred.

 They parted ways in 2001, got back together in 2003 and Civil War was 2006!

 Furthermore the Parkers didn’t go on the run because of Peter revealing his identity, it was because he no longer trusted Tony Stark and thus decided to go on the run...I said the author was wrong I never said the story was logical.

 “That still left the problem of Peter’s identity being made public during Civil War, however. Peter asked Doctor Strange to cast a spell that would wipe his identity from the mind of everyone in the world, including Mary Jane, in Amazing Spider-Man #641—only for Peter to protect Mary Jane from the spell’s effects at the last minute. Despite being kept in on his greatest secret, Mary Jane ultimately decided she couldn’t keep risking the danger of being someone special to Spider-Man, and told Peter to move on and find someone else to share his life with.”

 Again this misrepresents the sequence of events. The author pretends that these events occurred after Peter and Mj broke up in the new revised timeline when in truth the mindwipe was the thing that led to them breaking up (stupidly).

 Moreover the break up was spawned by MJ (stupidly) not wishing to risk her family not herself.

 “The two remained friends and confidants over the next few years, until another wild Spider-Man event—The Superior Spider-Man, in which a dying Doctor Octopus took over Peter’s body and seemingly sent Peter’s consciousness into the villain’s previously dying body, effectively killing Peter”

 FALSE!

 In Superior Spider-Man Doc Ock created back ups of his own and Peter’s minds and uploaded said copies into one another’s bodies.

 The Peter who died in Otto’s dying body was never the original, the original was simply a passive observer within his own body.

  “When Mary Jane noticed that something was up with Peter, the two quickly broke up again”

 SUPER FALSE!

 MJ DIDN’T NOTICE anything wrong! THAT was why the story sucked shit.

 Otto himself ended things because he believed that they shouldn’t be together because he’d always endanger her.

 “And when Peter was eventually restored to his body and Otto’s deception was revealed to her, Mary Jane decided once and for all that Peter’s absurd life as a hero shouldn’t define her life as well, choosing to remain friends with him but remaining mostly separated from his life. (Valid.)”

 No. INVALID.

 MJ victim blamed  Peter and wasn’t saying his crazy life defined her. She was saying some nonsense about wanting a normal life but still wanted that in the city where Skrulls invade ever summer.

It was toxically out of character.

It also wasn’t ‘once and for all’ since oh I dunno she still stuck around in his fucking life.

“The revitalization of Marvel’s continuity in the wake of 2015's Secret Wars kept this status quo for MJ and Peter—although fans jonesing for the couple’s time together were thrown a bone by Marvel in the form of Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows, an ongoing series that began in 2016 about an alternate-reality version of Peter and MJ that remained married, had a daughter together, and currently fight crime as an entire Spider-family.”

 Okay true but how is that relevant to the point of the article?

#mjwatson #mary jane watson #mary jane watson parker #Spider-Man #MJ Watson #Peter Parker #Clone Saga #Norman Osborn